#that to myself and my friends and my therapist in 2021 and i'm more at peace with it than i ever was or thought i could be in 2019 and 2020

[folkinsomnia]

screaming myself hoarse til I pass out we were together during a very tumultuous time in our lives I will always have your back and be curious about you about your career your whereabouts!!!

[nikibogwater]

Everybody sit down and strap in, 'cause I have a doozy of a tale to share.

I've had anxiety for literally as long as I can remember. I've had periods of my life where it was so intense it became legitimately life-threatening (don't worry I promise this is going somewhere funny). And this was really bizarre because I have zero childhood trauma. Like, my family life is so idyllic it's almost comical. Therapists would do abuse screenings on me and look utterly baffled when I told them everything was fine at home. They'd interrogate my parents just to make sure I wasn't lying. I have one friend who I'm fairly sure believed I was just severely gaslighting myself when I said my family was great, school wasn't too stressful, and I've never lived in a dangerous neighborhood or experienced poverty.

Anyways, despite no one being able to figure out where my disorder was coming from, my doctors were able to help me manage the symptoms so that I would like, not die, and actually be able to finish high school. Which was awesome. Now fast forward to late 2021. My big sister (who has also had intense anxiety her whole life which no one could figure out why) is finishing up her doctorate and getting her physical therapist's license. Somehow, during all her studying and schooling, she finds out about this thing called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which explains literally everything that was going on with us. EDS is a connective tissue disorder that kinda fudges up your body in a whole bunch of little ways, including dysautonomia (episodes of very fast heart-rate that kick your body into fight-or-flight mode), and hypermobility (unusual flexibility). It's a spectrum disorder, so the severity of symptoms vary from person to person, but we definitely checked almost every box on the diagnostic list. My sister went to see a specialist, and yep, she was diagnosed EDS positive. She immediately calls my mom and goes "I know what's wrong with Niki" (thanks, sis, that's real encouraging lol). Initially we're like "okay Katie, that's nice" because honestly this kind of sounds like jumping at shadows, but I go in to see the specialist anyways just to make sure.

One consultation and diagnosis later, and suddenly my entire life makes perfect sense.

Now we get to the funny part. See, the diagnosis stuff happened in early 2022. So by the time late 2023 comes around and we're looking for a new dog (I promise this is relevant), we've been riding that chronic illness diagnosis for a while. Once again, my sister, ever the proactive one, decides she's going to help us get a new dog. She scours the adoption website, sends us photos of the cutest dogs available, and helps us make a decision. This is how we got Beverly, who has been an unstoppable force of chaos in our lives ever since we signed the papers (but she's also really cute so she can get away with it). Now on top of being a very excitable and anxious pupper, Beverly's got a weird little gimp in her hindquarters, which makes her sit all splayed-out and funny-looking, and while it doesn't seem to be causing her pain, we take her to a vet to get it checked out. Vet finds absolutely nothing. X-rays are taken and examined. Still nothing. At this point, they go "well, we could try a CT scan of her brain, which would run about $5,000, and maybe we could find something--" but my parents are already packing this dog into the car like "well that is a HARD nope." So we decide, look, Beverly seems happy and healthy, and those gimpy legs don't seem to bother her, so we'll just leave it be until it becomes clearer what's wrong with her because we do NOT have a cool $5,000 to throw around here.

Readers more astute than my family and I will likely have already figured out where this is going.

This morning, my mom is looking at Beverly sitting in her funny sprawled-out way, and something in her brain goes "wait...weird physical symptoms with no tracible cause that vets can see..." She does a bit of googling. Can dogs have EDS/Hypermobility? Yes. Yes they can. And the listed symptoms describe Beverly to a T.

So not only is my sister the one to finally figure out what's wrong with me, she also unknowingly got us a dog who has the exact same chronic condition as us. Meanwhile my poor dad, who is the only Normal Person in our house, is coming to terms with the fact that he is apparently just fated to always love chronically ill people and animals, and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it.

[jenny-in-a-jar]

🖤💙 4 days until my Surgery 💙🖤

(Picture taken Dec 9th, 2023)

I'm very very excited for my surgery (it's my second gender affirming surgery but this one is more significant to me since it'll be top and bottom surgery) and I'm obviously counting the days until it and I thought some people might be interested in my trans journey 🏳️‍⚧️ So see part 7 below the cut.

Part 1 here

As the summer was ending, I got really lucky! A lesbian hairstylist (who helped organize the drag show I went in the last update) gave my name to this sales lady who sold accounting work to like companies and she needed help with researching CEO and CFO types. And she paid me out of pocket and honestly it was pretty easy internet research using Google. I felt like a little rat scurrying across the Internet 🐀 So, thank you lesbians 🙏🙏

(Picture taken Nov 6th, 2022)

Apparently I really impressed her so she got me hired full time as a sales admin for her company (I wouldn't have gotten with my lack of a college degree without her) and I've had that job since! And a lot of my transition wouldn't be possible without the pay and benefits of this job. Also this is my first job where I get gendered correctly and I'm slowly getting less anxious about going to the bathroom at work 🥰

She honestly mom'd up on me and bought me a bunch of new business casual clothes for the job. And here's an example of one of my new work outfits 😁

(Picture taken Nov 14, 2022)

Bc of the new job I was able to afford a lot more things for transitioning! Like voice training. I remember when I first cracked I tried to just teach myself using videos but I wasn't good at it 😅 Also a friend during the summer of 2022 helped me and I did make some progress with her help. But, I started making a lot more progress once I started seeing a speech therapist. But, there was a barrier since I could tell she hadn't worked too much with trans people. I went to a speech therapist bc it was covered by my insurance but she moved and then I couldn't find anyone for insurance covered speech therapy. So, I eventually just paid for lessons Your Lessons Now. And, honestly it's going a lot better! It's really nice to be able to talk about my frustrations with voice training with another transfem. The biggest thing I'm learning from here is how to break the bad habit of pitching up my voice by squeezing my vocal chords.

(Picture taken Sept 8th, 2023)

I had also switched to injections and I highly recommend it! A friend even made my first two vials into earrings 🔥

I also got a lot lazier with makeup 😅 I do eyeliner wings, mascara, and blush for when I go into the office. Which for a bunch of accountants means I do about as much makeup that is normal for the women in the office 🤷‍♀️

(Pictures taken October 31st and December 2nd of 2022)

These were two notable exceptions. I really love the makeup I did for the Halloween of 2022 bc I decided to go as a ghost-type trainer. And the one on the right is when I learned how to use concealer to cover my 'raccoon eyes' as my dad liked to call them 🦝

Also this would be a good time to mention something I probably should've mentioned earlier 😅 I never learned how to use foundation. I know it's easy but I have a weird mental block around it 🤷‍♀️ But, in the summer of 2021 I started doing twice daily skincare routine for my face. Which took me from a very acne heavy face to people being surprised I'm not wearing foundation. Also the routine is really nice. Would recommend to those who want to get rid of their acne (send an ask if you want to know specifics).

(Picture taken Aug 20, 2023)

Romance update since I've been doing that lol: Well, things ended with all the girlfriends I had so I am down to 1 partner. And I got caught in a romance scam for a few months 😭 However, I can't really complain because I got engaged!!! It was so sweet in cute. My partner and I had this date the night before Valentine's Day under a statue outside of a local art museum. We read sapphic poetry by candle light and then they popped the question 🥰🥰

But, I say another big part of this era was I made a lot more local trans friends. Went to a good amount of house parties which would've surprised pre-transition me! And I really love my community of queer people I've been building 🥺🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️💕

(Picture taken July 21st, 2023)

Oh yeah!! I also started laser hair removal at the beginning of 2021 as well. Which was before this era but time is a lie. But the new job definitely made it easier to afford.

The biggest step for my transition was getting my surgeries set up!! And my FFS (facial feminization surgery) marks the end of this era. Below was the last picture I took before my FFS.

(Picture taken Feb 17th, 2024)

So, in my next update, I'll be showing my post-op pictures once most of the swelling went down. See you tomorrow!! 😁✌️

Next Part Here

[gemmahale]

So I've temporarily paused my queue. It's just me, shouting into the void again. (The queue will maybe come back - there's some 800 some odd posts in there.) Just as an FYI.

I've been stuck in my head since...my work trip last weekend? Which, tbf, 12 hours of windshield time and a day of interacting with people is a fair bit.

(I'm cutting this because y'all don't need my yapping, but I need it off my chest. Go get some water or a beverage of choice instead.)

TW: mental health discussion. I am safe, I am not going to do anything brash.

But Monday I came back to an email from my boss - apparently two clients had stopped in to speak with him because I hadn't answered their calls (all are within the last two-ish weeks, maybe more?).

A huge part of my job is that timely client call-back. And one place that I consistently struggle in. We've had this discussion going on for 6+ mo now on how critical this call-back part is. The whole thing of what we do is timely, scientifically backed information.

I'm shit at calling back. I hate doing it. I hate troubleshooting people's plant problems. It just seems so...inconsequential. People are stressing about a dead spot in their yard (that's probably over watered and over fertilized and a sterile environment) and it's just...get some perspective, y'know?

I don't know. I love this job. I love the impact I could have. Get me talking about how people deserve healthy ecosystems and food access and such and I'm going a mile a minute.

But I'm paralyzed when it comes to solving these stupid "inconsequential" problems.

I have a newsletter I've been talking about sending out since FEBURARY. It's now AUGUST. It's unsent. I just hit a wall every time I sit down to set it up.

Same thing with the volunteer program I manage. The workshops I'm working on. All of it. Wall against wall against wall and I'm scrolling tumblr for the 43rd time that day.

And I don't know what to do. I'm scared. That's what it is. I'm Scared I'll give bad information and something will get killed and it'll be my fault.

(yes that's capital S scared.)

I don't know what I'm going to say tomorrow in our meeting. I know I'm on thin ice. I'm going into my 3rd year of this. I shouldn't be struggling like this. My RSD is so fuckin' bad that it's locking me up and shutting me down.

Part of me wants to be fired. Just "this isn't a good fit" and out the door. Proof that I'm not cut out for this job. Because all I have succeeded in doing is failing my colleagues, my peers and the clientele that I interact with.

I'm self-sabotaging myself and I don't know how to not to.

I love the opportunities this job has. But I'm terrified of failure to the point of breakdown. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that, right?

It's imposter syndrome, self-sabotage, other terms I've forgotten. having a name for it doesn't help any - just reinforces that I'm doing it to myself. And that's what hurts the most.

I haven't told anyone I'm struggling. It's hard to reach out. Kallen's been dealing with nightmares and job bullshit and high pain days (and his listening is problem solving/therapist-ing, which isn't what I want or need). My friends are all bogged down with their lives - unemployment, moving, divorces, childcare, and I'm not going to burden them with this gunk.

The irony to this is that I just told a friend to lean on me - because that's what friends do when they're in tight spots. Lean on each other, support each other.

But really it just means: Justify that I'm worth being here/being friends with me by making me useful to you.

God I wish I didn't have all this brain goop. I wish I could just scoop it out and poke at it under a microscope and dissect what happened to make me like this.

Gemma find a therapist. <- Whole different conversation. There's a dearth of mental health providers out here. I quit looking in 2021 when I called 5 places and they all said they were not taking on more clients and the one I tried we didn't vibe with each other. Fuck being a (mostly closeted) queer woman in small-town America.

[justalittlelilac]

Happy New Year!

Long rambling post about last year reflections, mushy thank you's, feelings, and this years goals. (I promise Our Life is involved it's just at the bottom lol the tag is appropriate) Mostly just writing it down so it's out of my head lol

2025 goals:

Write and draw more! (Especially stuff I've put off from the holidays 😅)

Improve my Spanish with a tutor.

Hopefully start ballet and hip hop again!

Start violin lessons and learn how to play my favorite song from the OLNF soundtrack and Outer Wilds theme.

Post more of my cosplays on here and Bluesky (have one in the works currently).

Be a better neighbor and get involved in my community.

Make more friends in my online communities (y'all are making this one easy).

Don't know if I wanna commit to it yet, but I think I wanna dabble in voice acting. I don't know though.

Last year, I surrounded myself in themes for the New Year instead of goals. Community, Creativity, and Activism.

Although it wasn't the community I had originally thought of, I harbored a brand new one on here and made tons of connections and got a lot closer in my Internet relationships. I'd like to continue this.

I also just got out more. I pushed myself to try so many new things. Ballet, hip-hop, gymnastics, posting my writing and drawing, being more present in cosplay communities were all things that lead me to meet tons of new people.

I participated in multiple activitist campaigns in my community, especially where Palestine was concerned. Which was out of my comfort zone. I'm naturally confrontationally avoidant, and I knew I would meet resistance in places. I'm happy that with the encouragement of my loved ones and therapist I was able to advocate for my values and people that need it. My rep probably has my name on a spam list now 😂.

I performed on a stage for the first time in a decade! It was terrifying, but I have never felt more confident and in love with the art of dance again.

Creativity was a big moment for me this year. I let my whims lead me anywhere they wanted to go. I ended up writing a novella series that was 80k+ words (that will never see the light of day but I did that!). The Our Life hyperfixation took hold so heavily, I started to learn how to draw and became an active participant in the community. I have posts on here with 300+ notes! I know that's not a lot on the grand scheme but it's nothing to sneeze at! That's just to name a few things.

The worst thing that happened this year was that I was outed to my family before I was ready. It was weird and made me have an identity crisis, but my circle really came through. I can now say with confidence, I'm out as pansexual and have never felt more comfortable in my skin where that is concerned.

In 2024, I took a lot of time to get to know myself and I found that I really like me. I quite enjoy being me and being around me. A lot of work has been done since 2021 to get me here. All that work started to make me bloom in 2024, I think. I am becoming the person I have always wanted to be. Someone I can be proud of and believe that other people are proud of and want to be around. In 2025, I want to continue this development.

If you read this far, thank you. It is likely that you were a part of all of this for me. Even in a small way. Thank you.

And especially thank you to the Our Life community who has made me feel welcomed and provided a space for me to grow in confidence. I don't think I could ever put into words properly how much this fandom means to me. Again. Thank you from my bottom of my heart and happy 2025.

[c-ptsdrecovery]

It's the end of the year, and therefore time to look back at 2023.

And I have to say, this is The Best Year I have had in a VERY long time.

Started the year--basically ON New Year's Day!--with my new Prozac prescription kicking in with a VENGEANCE. Was happy-hypomanic for basically the first time in my life (my hypomania was almost always anxiety before). That was AMAZING, and I can see why some people with bipolar disorder don't want to go on medication. The problem is that the hypomania is not stable, and I dropped back down to depression again. Raised the Prozac dose. Hypomanic! Dropped back to depression, Raised the Prozac dose. Hypomanic!!

Finally I went to a psychiatrist, and she, bless her, suggested gently that what I was experiencing might actually be hypomania. I was sitting there wearing rainbow colors with a highlighter pink hat, rainbow pony bead bracelets and funny earrings like, "I don't think I'm hypomanic." God bless her for not laughing out loud.

Anyway, I got on Lamotrigine/Lamictal (mood stabilizer) and... Oh my god. The depression went away. The anxiety went away. The anhedonia went away for the first time in years and I was able to actually quietly enjoy my life. Like, I had been capable of happiness before, but it was always some form of excitement. I could just look around my bedroom, see my stuff, watch my shows, crochet my crafts, sigh happily, and say that I loved my quiet little life. Now I can. It truly is life-changing.

I had done so much work on my C-PTSD with my therapist over the last 4 years that once the mood stabilizer kicked in... I was suddenly great. Nothing to talk about in therapy. No problems I couldn't solve. I got into an emotionally healthy environment in 2021, I have a good, stable support system... And now that I was on mood stabilizers, I could actually FEEL like I had a good, stable support system (I had felt very isolated before, even with a good group of friends).

I have spent 2023 genuinely enjoying my life for the first time in possibly a decade or more. Between my mental health and my loss of anhedonia and my friend group and my paganism/witchcraft... I feel more myself than I have since like, middle school.

It gets better.

You slowly, piece by piece, put your life together, get the things you need, get the therapy you need, get the meds you need, and one day you realize that you like your life and you don't need to struggle for something else: you have what you want already, and you're able to enjoy it.

That's my New Year's wish for all of you, even if it takes a few years to find it. Don't give up. Keep trying things. Keep pushing. Keep loving yourself. I promise, it will get better.

[thewitchoftheweed]

vent/personal post below the cut. just feeling reflective; cw/tw for suicidal ideation.

yesterday was the first time I haven't cried on my birthday in 3 years.

in 2021 my brain opened some dark doors it kept shut for 20ish years or so. I fucking unraveled. From 2021-2023, I was actively losing my mind. It didn't help that I was living in my childhood home at the time, and every single thing in it seemed to trigger my rapidly developing PTSD.

I withdrew into myself. I was constantly depressed and angry. I was in so much pain every single day, but it was still up to me to find a well-paying job and maintain it. I felt I was twisting into some kind of monstrous, broken version of myself, one that could not possibly be loved or accepted by anyone. My mother-in-law passed from terminal cancer, compounding everything. I was drowning and I still needed to help keep my poor partner afloat, too.

I'll be real- if not for my partner, I probably would be dead. There were multiple instances across those three years where I wanted the pain to stop, where I felt every single person in my life would actively benefit from my absence. They had to talk me down so many times. Therapy stalled; my current therapist wasn't equipped to help me with the new issues that had sprung up overnight.

I thought I would never find my way forward. I cried on each birthday in those years, wishing I was dead instead of having to face another year of pain and failure.

But then last year I found a good job. I focused on getting us out of my parents' house. I couldn't heal there. We got a rental with two friends and moved in at the beginning of this year. With my new job's benefits, I found a therapist who specialized in cases like mine. We started making progress again, bit by bit.

Yesterday, my birthday came and went, and I didn't cry. I'm no longer afraid to face living. I no longer feel broken and mangled. There are still bad days, but they're becoming more sporadic. Thanks to my therapist, I'm able to handle them a bit better.

I guess this is all a long-winded way of patting myself on the back for staying alive through it. Over the past three-ish years or so, my mind tore itself apart. This year, I've been putting it back together.

I'm still here. And I'm going to be ok. <3

[everythingisliminal]

Day 20 of 75 Hard

When I complete today, it'll be the furthest I've ever been in this challenge (made it through day 10 then day 19 in 2021).

The journey so far:

Two 45+ minute workouts, 3+ hours apart, at least one of which must be outside. Because I work 10 hour days in wetland restoration navigating mucky, watery, and steep terrain with ~40lbs on my back, I count those 4 workdays as my outdoor workout. Yes it's already part of my routine, but I wasn't going to not do this challenge just because I'm not fitting another workout in before work.

My other outdoor workouts are all walking and/or running around the neighborhood or on trails. My indoor workouts are push, pull, and indoor cycling days with my buddy, bowling with my husband, and following walk/dance/box/lift/yoga vids at home.

Saturdays are wild because I need to get a walk/run in, then go straight to cycling, and then 3 hours later bowl bc my afternoons are booked and I have to get that outdoor workout in but 3 hours away from another workout. Making it work, though!

I did put together an idealized workout schedule to train for the 5 mile trail run my buddy and I signed up for 2 weekends after we complete 75 Hard. Already had to adjust because I twisted my ankle yesterday, so I used that opportunity to try Qigong (followed by 45 min yoga). We'll see if I should stick with walking today or if I can throw in a few 3-4 minute runs.

Honestly, the toughest part of this rule is the scheduling and getting started. I really enjoy the physical activity when I'm in the flow of it.

Take a progress picture. This has been beneficial for me in a way I couldn't predict. The mirror has always surprised me, like "oh, that's what I look like?" It always shows me as curvier, less athletic than I picture myself. Might stem from a grey area of body dysmorphia and gender dysphoria. It's one of the things I'm talking with my therapist about.

But now that I'm taking a picture of my body every day, I'm realizing that what I'm seeing in the mirror looks better than what I'm seeing in the photo, giving an element of valuing what I see in the mirror. Like, I can more positively accept that that's me. So that's cool.

10 pages of reading a "think about your life" nonfiction book. I read The Book on Mental Toughness, which the creator of 75 Hard wrote. 3 of 5 stars. I might write an extended review, but a lot of the book was like watching a car crash. Yeah, the author's mentally tough, but he's not very well read sociologically. It'll be a tougher read for anyone who's nonbinary, living with intergenerational trauma, or can't stand editing/formatting issues. But there was some insightful info about 75 Hard and the continued LIVEHARD program, and I really benefited from the chapter on drinking water.

Currently reading Weave the Liminal: Living Modern Traditional Witchcraft, which I'm fully enjoying.

Books I'm considering reading next are Rest is Resistance: Free Yourself from Grind Culture and Reclaim Your Life / How to Make Friends & Influence People / The Meditations of Marcus Aurelius / Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good / and Keeping It Living: Traditions of Plant Use and Cultivation on the Northwest Coast of North America.

If anyone has a recommendation for books on Inanna, Ishtar, Astarte, or Aphrodite/Aphroditus, I'm looking to learn more about their part in trans history.

Drink 1 gallon of water. I have to stick with a 90oz goal. I've tried multiple times in the past to drink a gallon a day and always wound up with a horribly sore throat after a few days. Last time, it made me sick for 2 weeks. So 90oz of unflavored water is definitely way more than I'd drink normally (32oz on a good day) but without dipping back into unhealthy territory. There are some days that I can drink more (allowing me to get in some Gatorade, preworkout, or BCAAs), but I also have a steady supply of good cough drops at hand.

I try to get in 32oz before lunch, another 32oz by 5pm, and 26oz+ before sleepy time.

Follow a diet. No cheat meals or alcohol. I'm focused on getting 100+ grams of protein a day (macro balancing and calorie deficit are secondary but seem to be happening naturally). I've also cut out chocolate (this is how I know I mean business), sugary drinks, gluten, and microwavable mac n' cheese type meals.

This is really forcing me to get my act together when it comes to planning/prepping. No more going to the coffee stand for a burrito and red bull before work. I have to either cook breakfast or nom on a protein bar. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, and at least 2 snacks all have to be protein-centric for me to meet my goal. It's wild to think of how little protein I must have been getting. But now I'm full, and then I'm hungry! There's no middle ground of kinda-hungry filled with chips and milk teas. All this meal prepping and forcing myself to eat well for 75 days will probably be one of the most beneficial things I've ever done for myself.

Tangentially, cutting out chocolate meant cutting out my herbal calm chocolate supplements I always had at night to help myself wind down. Now I have to get off my phone earlier and stretch/meditate/read to get myself prepped for bed. It's good stuff.

Also, I don't drink alcohol, so there's no challenge for me there.

Overall: I'm so glad I'm doing this. This is helping me live my life the way I actually want to live it. I'm developing daily discipline and gaining insights into myself. I've lost 6lbs, my clothes fit better, and I can navigate terrain more easily. I'm enjoying trails in my free time. I was wishy-washy about my goals when I tried 75 Soft a couple months ago, and so didn't stick with them. With 75 Hard, my commitment is unquestionable. This is what my life looks like for the next 56 days. Afterward, I'll take what I like and ditch anything I don't.

If you're considering 75 Hard yourself, do make a game plan. Figure out what your diet is going to be and shop for it. Know how you'll track your water. Schedule a week or two of workouts that help you fulfill a goal (finding out what's fun for you, increasing strength/flexibility/speed, getting outside, hanging out with someone, whatever). Get a book. Give yourself this Day 0 to set yourself up for success.

Then START :D

[elytrafemme]

like idk how to even express how much halsey means to me i was blinded for about a year to this fact until they dropped the great impersonator and then i remembered like. BADLANDS w/ Gasoline & Young God GOT ME THROUGH my early pre-teen mental illness, starting from when i was 11 but i revisited Young God when i got into my first relationship.

but even BEFORE then trouble- stripped was my like no.1 inspiration artistically for a while it was my favorite song of all time. back to Gasoline like when i was younger, maybe twelve, the line: do you call yourself a fucking hurricane like me? CHANGED me and it still holds. and then Young God i was fifteen, and fucked up, and: there's a light in the crack that's separating your thighs, and if you wanna go to heaven you should fuck me tonight // and i've been sitting at the bottom of a swimming pool for a while now, drowning my thoughts out with the sounds

for YEARS and years and years and i got out of the swimming pool and revisited hopeless fountain kingdom. and someone will love you but that someone isn't me. and remembering my brother, somehow, and people i shouldn't-- i ain't your baby no more.

MANIC. happy five years to manic. build love build God build provinces, build calluses, break promises was my rhythm, and i remember watching the more visualizer on youtube and crying my eyes out. fourteen spilling into fifteen spilling into depression with psychotic symptoms: and who do you call when it's late at night? when the headlines just don't paint the picture right? when you look at yourself on a screen and say 'oh my God, there's no way that's me.' five years later, pounding in my head: and honestly, i think that she lied. fifteen and i lost the love of my life to an ivory powder, but then i realized i'm no higher power. // I'M A LIAR, I'M A FUCKING LIAR. a liar, a liar, a liar, a liar

destroyed by 2021. walking home from school 'cause i'll hang myself if you give me a rope. and God, i can't even DESCRIBE how i would sit in class, every day, living my life through the song whispers. whispers saved my fucking life because it made me feel not alone. i listened to it a lot in 2022, in a time where everything was watching me, where my mind was going genuinely fucking crazy, where none of my friends loved me in the way a friend should and my girlfriend didn't love me at all, and i was crazy. every lyric, EVERY lyric, but, spinning around the room: this is the voice in your head that says "you do not want this", this is the ache that says "you do not want him", this is the glimmer of light that you're keeping alive when you tell yourself "bet i could fuck him." // BET THAT SHE'LL NEVER BE HAPPY. laying awake at night, 2 am, half dressed: i've got a monster inside me that eats personality types, she is constantly changing her mind on the daily. think that she hates me, i'm feeling it lately. in my girlfriend's bed, all dressed up isn't it lonely? these are the standards to which you could hold me, think that you know me, you think that you could if you hold me, think you could try to console me, no i do not know me- no, i do not know me, 'cause i- 'cause i- alters split into my brain. consumed by the story so i showed him all my teeth and then i laughed out loud 'cause i never wanted saving. i just wanted to be found. haunted and hunted and hemmed and hummed by the memory of and i'm glad i met the devil, 'cause he showed me i was weak, and a little piece of him is in a little piece of me.

it's 2024. i can't even begin to explain how the great impersonator changed my life. life of a spider (draft) was my top 2024 song, lonely is the muse was my second place. this album is the reason i got diagnosed, i read the lyrics of it to my therapist today. so even though every song spoke to me in such an intensely personal way, for length, here's where i was: it's summer, and i'm suffocating over the words so where do i go in the process when i'm just an apparatus? i've inspired platinum records, i've earned platinum airline status- and i've mined a couple diamonds from the stories in my head, but i'm reduced to just a body here in someone else's bed.

nineteen. waking up and falling asleep and doing laundry and walking to class and talking to friends and staring at the ceiling and sitting on the floor of the shower and shaking and laughing and i'm the spider in your kitchen weaving webs through every year, and i worked real hard on the last one but the last one got me here. i'm minding my own business but my presence makes you curse. i should be getting better but i'm only getting worse.

i get diagnosed with hypermobility. and, god, how dare i even think of choosing here to die? i think maybe, i have a dissociative disorder, which should be a more obvious realization but- but- i'm on my friend's dorm, i'm at the waterfront, i'm the spider on the ceiling and you're nothing but a guy. happier, happier, at the end of the tunnel. but i'm in the tunnel, and it's me and halsey.

this all sounds miserable but i can't emphasize enough that halsey's music being there for me for the last nineteen years has genuinely changed everything for me. in my worst moments i knew i wasn't alone. i knew someone else had survived it. and i knew that when nobody listened to a single word i said, i could listen to halsey, and someday someone would listen to me.

so yeah, they maybe kind of saved my life a few times, and i'm really normal about all of that. clearly.

[ultraviolet-ink]

What do you think about asoryuu?

Oh boy, this one's going to be a bit loaded, so here's a bit of a preemptive apology for a ramble/word vomit/rant on my end. Suffice to say ASRY is a NoTP for me. When I was first getting into DGS all the way back in 2019/20, I was a bit ambivalent towards the ship. I had only watched a playthrough of the first game, and I had the feeling that Kazuma was going to come back, but the ship didn't really scream to me at that point, and it kind of befuddled me to see how it was so popular (and a bit of a tangent, I think people only really ship the 1-1 dynamic, but that's a convo for another day). If you even look at the header of my blog, it is no secret that I ship Ryuususa, and it is my OTP. When I had watched the fifth case on the playthrough, I was sold on that ship, and the last moments really sealed the deal for me-- there's something really compelling about the goodbye scene between Susato and Ryuunosuke at the docks, and the localization legitimately made me cry (happy tears of course!) Being a little naive, I started to post about it and I got... a LOT of harassment calling me a lot of names/accusing me of being okay with a lot of really horrible things (intrusive thoughts WHOOOOOOP). The harassment was so bad that I only recently opened up to my therapist about what had happened, and I was pulling away from servers/people I thought I was friends with/wouldn't treat me horribly. I found a lot of solace with people who were also violently harassed pre-localization (shout out to the Baroryuu community, you all were really kind to me, and I am proud to also be a Baroryuu lover <3), when I say it was drama filled pre localization, I mean it. I can even point out when my harassment started to March of 2021 when someone on twitter said not to read my dgs fics since I was a proshipper (I hadn't even called myself that at this point, and honestly I don't really use that title [idk how else to describe it lol], but I do follow that philosophy and call myself anti-harassment), and since I hadn't had a twt at that time, they linked to my ao3, and since I put my tumblr on my fics, I got a LOT of disturbing anons. Even when I made my server, I used to have a link that anyone could click on (word of the day is naive lmaooo), and I got a lot of creeps coming in trying to surveil the server and make sure their friends weren't in it (one person was even trying to get access to the nsfw section which was FUN). After reading this, you're probably thinking "what does this have to do with ASRY?". A lot of the major bullies in fandom HEAVILY shipped ASRY, and would harass people who shipped other ships (Baroryuu and Asobaro shippers were racist, Homuryuu shippers were okay with incest because of that stupid "greatest family in the world" line, etc.). All in all, it came with a lot of entitlement and anger that other peopled DARED not to ship that ship. Those sorts of people really tainted the ship for me. As for the ship itself, I can definitely see why people love it a lot (especially 1-1), but I really didn't like Kazuma in 2-4/5. I found him to be really particularly awful and obtuse (which, makes perfect sense in the story! Who wouldn't be in his position?). I was also mad that he only said ONE (1!!!) thing to Susato when he got his memories back (despite HER recognizing him and getting the ball rolling), and it was basically "Thanks for helping out my friend, bye!" (#justiceforsusato lol). Even at the end of the game, I still was mad at Kazuma and didn't really like him. It's only due to my friends (namely @leafyemeralds and her VERY GOOD TAKES in our convos) that I eventually started to warm up to him. Now he's my personal punching bag to Atone(tm) XD I suppose TL;DR I'm not a big Kazuma fan, harassment made me really dislike the ship, so I don't ship it (also, can ASRY shippers tag their stuff? this is more of a problem on twitter, but it happens on tumblr. Filters can only work if they're there =3=)

[lost-technology]

Hey. Please please please don't do anything drastic. I know it seems really dark right now, and it is. Yesterday was a horrible day for everyone and it will continue to be hard as we all process. But it's so so so important that you keep on living through that.

One half of this that is absolutely true is that you need to keep on living to spite them. You need to live longer than him and laugh when he's gone. Your life in itself is resistance and that's infinitely valuable.

The other half is that, no matter if you believe this or not right now, the world would be darker without you. I mean this really and truly. I don't know you in real life so I can't speak to that, but you bring a lot of positivity and unique views to the trigun fandom. Your reblogs are how I found a lot of the trigun blogs I now follow. Your comments and discussions on Rem make me happy to read, just grinning in real life because someone cares so much about a character that needed more time. It's simple stuff really, but that's what's important. Even people you've never spoken to like me are positively impacted by your life. And that increases tenfold for people who know you in real life that you do speak to and that love you and want you around no matter if they say it out loud or not.

Please keep living. You bring something unique to this world and you're a nice person, which goes for a lot these days. And if you can't believe that, live for spite, just for now, and maybe the other stuff can come later.

Please live. I'm sorry for being so long winded but you really do have a much bigger impact than you could ever see without someone telling you and I want you to know.

We can all get through this and you're not alone. Being together is how we can find strength. So stay and be together with us. Please.

I'm sorry for the long ask. Just want to make sure you at least hear this stuff. You're important.

I do need to get on the phone with my therapist. It's just... I feel like the hits just keep on coming, neverending in my life. This hope to have the first ever Madame President and to not have a man in office (again) who shows all signs of going full fascist - it is bringing up grief in such a way that it seems to be bleeding into my lingering grief over a family-loss I had last year. I'm feeling similar ways. Last year, my nephew died (adult, just on the cusp of 40, my partner's nephew). He was my best friend, my gaming buddy and we were the three amigos on holidays and whatnot. We had him up for almost an entire year on Covid-lockdown living with us. He got me through my partner's heart-attacks when he had those in previous years. Matt was the one who broke the news to me that there was going to be a new Trigun anime because he knew I basically lived and breathed Trigun back in the day and still counted Vash as my personal hero. And then, in January '23, he was gone - cause of death unknown, probably his heart giving out - because he had some health issues. I basically had to go through that. I've been feeling like I've just gotten to pulling myself out of the muck of that, was just starting to feel better (with some random meloncholy still hitting me), and now I'm running into yet another big thing that's making me think "What is life even for?" - There's no justice here. I have no power. There is no rhyme or reason. I also lost a couple of aunts during Covid times, both eldery - one to the disease itself, another through something unrelated, both in 2021. I wasn't as close to them anymore, but it hurt. I had to go into inpatient psychiatric in 2021 because some misunderstandings, a huge fight, a dogpiling (of me) and a public tumblr callout post in one small niche area of the She-Ra fandom just made me lose it. I was accused of plagerism (not true. There was a misunderstanding with someone regarding idea-exchange and what I was allowed use in roleplays on a small roleplay discord. I did legit read things wrong, but it's not like I ganked someone's ideas for a publically available fanfic or was trying to "steal their characters" like they whined to everyone in the fandom about), but because anyone accuses of that, immedately everyone else will side with them and not even look further into it, I was suddenly losing friends - I freaked out, myself and got to harassing some people in a defensive snarl - and then some asshole had to take it off the discords and make it public, which meant I was shunned by an entire fandom and was basically told that I was human garbage and believed it. I did something untoward to myself and had a little hospital stay. The person who intervened to save my life was that now-deceased nephew. And so, I've just been going through hit after hit, some of it being hangover from "We all got crazy under Trump and under Trump's attempts to get back into power" and now... that's a thing again... I am also on Social Security / Disability and am worried about my future. I worked very hard to get it and it might go away. My partner was on the cusp of getting it until they raised the retirement age and who knows he might not get it. We might die freezing under a bridge, I don't know. There is always the question of "Well, now or later?" that looms in the mind. "Murdered by the State or go on my own terms?" I want to be brave like Vash and Rem, but they are fiction and I don't know if I am capable of their strength of heart. Thank you for talking to me.

[sloasis]

I figured out in 2018 that I was transgender . I was 13 years old . I begged my mother if I could cut my hair ' like my brothers ' and I did in later that year , it was the best feeling in the world , not having long hair . And I never told anyone in my family until 2021 , I finally told my mom and she went ' I know ' ... and then I never talked about it ever again . I only ever told my parents not to call me by my deadname because it genuinely makes me nauseous . I'm such a coward and I still haven't come out or fully transitioned . I thought I'd have more time , I live in Oklahoma where there is certainly no healthcare or place for me here . I had 5 therapists quit on me and not understand me . I'm turning 20 soon and I'm terrified . I've hidden myself and my identity for as long as I can remember . I was 7 years old calling myself boy names and ' playing ' as a boy . I was 10 years old not understanding why I was having this huge crush on a boy and that it didn't feel normal , it felt queer . At that point I definitely knew I was queer I just didn't know in what way . I was 12 when I first heard and understood the word transgender and it felt right , it felt like I finally unlocked this piece . But I also knew I couldn't tell anyone ever in my real life , my family would never ever get it . I was 14 when I got my first binder and I heavily binded and ruined my ribs . I was 15 when I dropped out of high school , I couldn't take it anymore . I can't go into public without the huge fear of being perceived wrongly . I'm incredibly anti social and have been known to be reclusive . I've been trying to legally get my name changed for years now and my mother won't help me . Nobody can help me and I feel so stuck and sick in the head . I feel like I've been suffocating and yelling into a muffled void ever since I figured out that I'm a transgender gay man . Nobody hears me . Nobody will ever hear me ... I've had my moments of crying for help but it's not loud enough , I have no friends and never had a loving family , never had a support system and I'm so fucking scared that I will never get it at this point . I'll be 20 , still being that 13 year old who knew I was fucked when I realized . But I'm still who I am despite me repressing and not talking about it , I can't ever forget who I am , I just have to scream louder . We all have to scream louder and be prouder now . I know I'm not alone in this but I really am , I've locked myself in my room this entire week and I haven't talked to another person in months . I need help and I won't get it , especially now , I'm so hopeless and lonely . We've all got our experiences and this one is me , a tale of a boy who's locked himself in a tower and there'll be no one to find me . I love being gay and being proud about it within but there still is a part of me who fucking hates it and desperately wish it's just easier to be alive . I feel like a fraud .

[muffinninjafairy]

Life Update

Oh my goodness, to be quiet frank I have no idea when was the last time I have actually sat down and made a text post. I one day was going through my archives and everything that was going on in my personal life from over a decade ago and never really spoke about what happened to me from then to now... so I guess I will.

I've personally have been more active socially on discord, and more so been using my socials as platforms for my work, but I also remembered , this is my blog so I'm gonna blog. I have no clue how many people from all those years ago are still on here but if you are, I hope all is well.

TIME CAPSULE TIME~ (These are all summaries of the time minimizing details because of personal reasons) I guess I would say my activity started to become less and less as of like 2015 - 2016, Like I was on here, but mostly reblogging and running off. To put it in the frankest of terms, I was having a sever mental episodes during that time frame. With a lot of personal situations happening with my family and not being in a healthy environment to properly regulate my emotions nor the proper support system to help me with what I was going through.

On July 11th 2015 I was admitted to the hospital for a mental breakdown that caused me to be taken away via ambulance. There I was diagnosed with BPD and Bipolar 1 (manic depressive episodes) . The health care system where I came from was not at all great, my phycologist over medicated me to the point where I would have black out spells and seizers (then given medication for those seizers) . My family still then refused to support me and so I clung to what ever I could for validation. As a result of this I tried to become hyper independent.

Months after being released from the hospital I moved out of my house and with an old high school buddy and their partner. Then after I entered a long distance relationship. Which in toe turned very toxic very fast. But being blinded by my BPD, I stuck with it for 2.5 years.

In February of the next year I was kicked out of my roommates apartment because of my job being closed down and had no income. So I was forced to move back home with my father. In those years from 2016 - 2018 felt like my absolute rock bottom, I would have extended periods of time where I never left the house and hid in my room. In fear of the world around me. My relationship was not helping if not hurting me more and more. They did not care about me or what was going on, only what they wanted out of the relationship. My father was becoming more and more verbally abusive and felt that I deserved nothing. I did have a new job then too but it was a dead end job and was paying very little (8.25$ an hour when I left I was being paid 10$ an hour)

2018 comes around, this is where I feel things starting to change, I met my DnD Group (March 2018) at this time but because of the toxicity of my ex, they left me because I would no longer isolate myself and wanted friends. (May 2018) Time goes by, me and the DM of the DnD start becoming closer and start our relationship in Sept. 21, 2018.

2019 Comes by and I get hit with reality, I need help. My episodes were coming back and I was hurting those around me, So finally I pulled my boot straps and looked for professional help. Once I found the therapist for me, I started to improve, my relationship with my partner and my friends increased in strength. I was still having problems at home with my family, but came to the realization that if they didn't want to be part of my healing journey then they didn't need to.

2020 is here and me and my partner are becoming serious, to the point of planning our future together. we scrounged and saved until the end of the year where we finally had enough to move in together in a new state. I quit my dead end job, and sent my stuff across country.

In Febuary of 2021 I finally said goodbye to my home and my partner and I moved to their grandmothers home temporarily until we secured an apartment. Once we did we collected everything and with the moving truck we drove to our new home.

we have been here ever since and I could not be happier. I have had a stable job for 2 years now, I've also been promoted within the company, I can actually go out now with out having an anxiety attack, I have friends both online and IRL, I have been in a 5 year relationship and still striving for the future. I can finally be myself without having to hide away in a room for years. I can actually be independent. It took some time but I feel much more mentally healthy.

Long Story Short: For a very long time I was stunted by my environment and did not have tools properly to grow until one day I was allowed to. Now I'm doing much more positive things for myself and receiving the support I needed. I am loved and cared for. Life can get better. I am doing a lot better.

I honestly do not know how many people are still here that knew me during this time period . But I am alive, healthy, and being the best I can be.

I also don't know why I felt the need to explain my life, I guess reflecting from then to now. I guess I wanted to share my progression cause I am proud of who I am now. And if throwing it into this void and someone sees this. Hope this lets you know that things can get better.

Love you cuties Shaylee

[kellyrisher]

I met someone, and she made me feel something.

I should probably explain why it feels so monumental. You see, I haven't felt butterflies in my stomach for, well, over a decade.

I met the birth mother of my child, and her presence swept me off my feet. I was in the closet back then, navigating the world as a "straight male" (hold on while I vom a little). We were gonna get married. We intentionally had a child. Then everything went to hell, you know? There were a whole lot of internal influences from both of us, the kind of oil and water stuff that looks pretty but never really mixes. There was a big external catalyst, sort of like a match that revealed not only that this oil and water was really gasoline and arsenic, but ignited it as well.

That's why I'm a single mom. It's worth saying, we are good friends now, and do shared parenting. It's very healthy, which is good.

Regardless, I was in a vulnerable place when it all fell apart, and I found myself targeted by a narcissist. I didn't feel butterflies in my stomach then... I just felt safe and wanted, which was everything my broken soul wanted. It turned on me, and left me bloody and assaulted, in every way. I had to escape one day, literally with the clothes on my back and my car keys. In the blink of an eye, I became homeless.

I turned to cocaine. I became more of a mess than ever before. I ended up in the hospital, scared clean as it were. I rawdogged PTSD for a couple of years before getting into therapy. I began to explore my gender and sexual identities, coming out quietly as a nonbinary pansexual person.

I yearned for a healthy partnership. All I had were one night stands or booze addled late night wastes of time. I now understand the futility of it all, but it was, oh, five years ago when a healthy and safe person pursued me, and I chose her.

I didn't feel butterflies in my stomach that time either. I just felt safe, and once again, that's all I wanted. Safety. Only this time I knew what red flags to look for, and I didn't find any with her. We were together for about two years, through the COVID lockdown and everything. But, the closer I came to coming out as a transgender lesbian, the more insular and withdrawn I became. I didn't tell her what I was discovering about myself. I didn't tell anyone, not even my therapist, not really.

Fast forward a bit, and I came out, April 7, 2021. A lifetime's worth of yearning and confusion, suddenly made clear, the dead parts put to rest. It was good.

The thing they don't tell you about transition is how you're going to relive everything, all over again, and very quickly.

Romance has... not been easy. I am 45 years old now, and this may come across as a bit harsh, but I don't think the elder millennial and gen-x lesbians really get me. I'm welcomed in their spaces, but, I hear the way they talk about men and, let me just say, it's exclusionary to me on a deep, intrinsic level. I get it. I know the world they grew up in, because I grew up in it too.

The twenty-something's get me. You know? Gen-Z and all that. To them, a trans person is just a woman. I'm a woman. I'm a lesbian. Body parts be damned, because they have less of that misogynistic baggage from the 80's and 90's bouncing around their heads. They were kids when Obama was elected.

I don't look my age. I pass for 26, maybe 27, or so I'm told. But I feel my age. I feel it in my bones, I feel it in my chest. I feel it when I look in the mirror and see the way age has made me, well, fatter. I look at them and I see the youthful slenderness that I had at that age. I know; body positivity and all that. Remember, I grew up in the 80s. It'll be a long time, if ever, before I break that horrible worldview.

Suffice it to say, I haven't had the best self image. I can look at my face and my hair, my skin, and I see beauty. I see femininity. Then I look at my middle part and I see... undesirable. Masculine. Gross.

I carry this with me. The twenty-something's are the ones who hit on me. Probably a combination of my youthful looks and their lack of internalized transphobia. And I tried it once. I dated someone in their late twenties. It wasn't going to work. We are just... far too dissimilar.

I gave up on feelings. I gave up on ever having a crush. I gave up on butterflies in my stomach.

And then I met this woman. She's trans like me. She passes, like me. She was the most beautiful woman in the room, and she thought I was the most beautiful woman in the room. And we've talked every day since. It hasn't even been a week.

And I'm feeling butterflies in my stomach.

And yet - she's young. Twenties. Or at least she looks that way. I don't want to ask. But she thought I was 26. Maybe by some stroke of luck she suffers from the same thing I do? Maybe she's older, closer in age like me. The conversation would certainly suggest such a thing.

And yet, I can feel myself beginning to do that toxic thing to myself, where I wall myself off, to protect myself. It's easier not to feel. Sure, you're miserable, lonely, touch starved and bitter... but at least you're in control of your pain. You don't let someone else hurt you. You don't let someone else's age, or relationship dynamics, or sexual identity hurt you.

We've flirted. I asked her to get coffee. She said yes. Now it's on me to set a date. And I will. I promise. There's no harm in that.

Maybe there's an age gap. That's common in queer relationships, after all. Smaller pond and all of that. But I can already feel myself leaning into self sabotage. I learned that I still have the capacity to feel butterflies. That's good, right? Maybe that's enough. Maybe I don't need to run the risk of disrupting my beautiful castle of self-imposed misery; because while it harms me, it's a harm I know, a harm I've acclimated to, a harm that may be slowly killing me, but it's better than the alternative.

Right?

[mattherp]

hopefully i will return here and laugh.

After a quick search, I noticed that my last feelings post was made in February of 2021. A lot has changed in three years! Significantly! I think I've decided I won't change my About Me, I think little about the format of this will be altered. When the new year started, my therapist and I decided I should try to do three things daily: meditation/mindfulness, walks, and journaling. Obviously January is a resolutions month and it was easy enough to do a lot of these things for two weeks. Then, went on some travel, came back and all new habits had been eviscerated. I think I really, really struggle on how to have an outlet. The therapist is an outlet. The partner is an outlet. Friends are an outlet. Journaling is an outlet. Sure, sure, sure, sure. But nothing has felt permanent. My most rudimentary self soothe tactic in the infancy of adulthood (college days), was my tumblr/blog. It feels generational, the early 2010s blogging craze. All of this being a preface to me being back here, on Tumblr of all places, when life is mostly going so incredibly well.

I have thick skin in a decent number of situations. I really believe that. But there is a crack in the armor, one that I've learned to co-exist with as a vulnerability -- the vulnerability that causes me to be vulnerable. I get riled up when I'm feeling protective, and I'm riled up. But how do I process that? I can't just wait five days to tell the therapist. I feel a social politeness pull not to air laundry on Insta or Twitter (can you believe it has a "different name" now?!). I don't actually feel like I'm making progress with just a journal, it's like I'd rather shout at the void in hopes that it created a seed for change. Because keeping it purely private only serves to mediate. If I was in another life, or another person, maybe I would turn a feeling into a song or channel it into a story. But for better or worse, the stories that capture my creative heart these days are not for emotional outlets, but as celebrations of what cause me fun.

Like I've hinted at, hopefully I will look back at this time of bitterness and be okay or be amused that I felt so strongly. But as I adult a little more year after year, I feel so ready to prune off that which isn't viable, and though there are so many complex emotions surrounding it all, I don't want to keep giving energy to places where I'm not getting it back. This could be a significant moment of realignment. I won't know for a while.

But truly, focusing on that which is solid and consistent and brings me joy is the greatest medicine. I'm excited to travel with my partner, I'm excited to continue group storytelling with folks who are reliable, and I'm also happy to know that I don't have to make myself miserable asking for friendship where I'm not getting it back -- I have so much of my own personal individual hobbies (gaming mostly, I'm so predictable) to look forward to. I need to keep that in mind, and I think simplicity will also be a deep recharge when the calendars aren't out here doing the most. This has not been a great week. But we are inching towards much brighter times.

[themomsandthecity]

How Can I Have a Baby When I Already Take Care of My Elderly Parents?

"When are you having a baby?" is the question I've been asked the most since marrying my husband in 2021. At 36, I often wonder the answer myself. Even though I've always wanted to have a child, I'm not sure if it's in the cards for me anymore. Especially now that both of my parents' health has severely declined. For all of my life, my mom has been in and out of hospitals, and my dad has been our rock. He recently got sick, though, and it broke me. My mom's health issues advanced so much that she now lives in a nursing home, because my dad is not strong enough to take care of her on his own. And me? I live on the opposite side of the country. Because of this, I fly from my home in Los Angeles to crash in their one-bedroom apartment in Connecticut at least once a month. I'm happy to be there to support them, but these trips are physically, emotionally, and financially draining. When I'm in town, I'm their therapist, nurse, chauffeur, cook, assistant, and maid. I'm bouncing around hospitals, riding in ambulances, and waiting with them in emergency rooms. I'm acting as a liaison between them and their doctors, pharmacists, therapists, friends, and church. My parents are my best friends who did everything for me growing up, so the least I can do is be there for them when they need me the most. Motherhood would mean I could no longer be my parents' support system, and I'm all they have. But this had made planning for a baby nearly impossible. It's hard to prioritize anything over my parents, let alone getting pregnant. I already feel like a bad wife, seeing as I've spent weeks apart from my husband in the first years of my marriage. How could I possibly add a baby to the mix? Despite knowing all this, I often imagine what getting pregnant would be like. Would I be able to make these trips across the country while pregnant? Would I be able to make these trips with a newborn? Would I be able to support my parents with a child? The reality is, I don't think so. Motherhood would mean I would no longer be my parents' support system, and I'm all they have. I know what you're thinking: even though moving to be closer to my parents may seem like the logical solution, it's not an option for my husband and me. Not only is a cross-country move more expensive than plane tickets, but our careers are here in California. I also know some people might argue that I could make it work if I wanted a baby badly enough. Plenty of women out there become mothers while taking care of their parents, or without the support of their parents entirely. But I don't know if I'm one of them. It breaks my heart thinking about bringing new life into this world while my parents are in their worst physical states. The truth is, I really would love to be a mother. I'm just not sure if I want it to happen at my parents' expense. Related: I Don't Want to Be a Mom, and No, I Won't Change My Mind --- Gabi Conti is the author of "Twenty Guys You Date in Your Twenties" and the writer, executive producer, and cocreator of Apple's No. 1 fiction podcast series "Bad Influencer." You can catch her covering entertainment news for Hollywire or read more of her work on Cosmopolitan, Giddy, Betches, Best Life, HelloGiggles, Elite Daily, Mindbodygreen, and Brit + Co. --- https://www.popsugar.com/family/baby-elderly-parents-essay-49354998?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr