#that the gay people in my head consumed my heart and soul temporarily

[warmer-gaze]

she got a little sploded but she got the dark oak <3

[noonootays]

A Poem About the Girl Who Opened me up to my Own Sexuality

I am a woman, and I don’t believe in love

Love is an abstract concept to me.

A thing that exists to further the plot of a fairy tale,

A myth, derived from the logic of fools, Fools that share a fatuitous belief,

A belief that as little as one glance could awaken a terribly beautiful beast inside you.

A beast that consumes your heart and soul,

Extinguishing the rationality belonging to you.

“Soul Mate” is the term

It’s the tale of the “First Sight” connection that honeymoon phasers consistently broadcast,

Even though when you turn away and the door closes the lie sheds like a scales on a snake,

Reveling the truth that they’re magical connection is nothing short of a mad-mans delusion.

They say “Soul Mate” like everyone in the world has one.

Regardless of the face that 1/3 of people will never marry and remain single.

They say “Soul Mate” as if there aren’t empty shells of people walking around.

People, who have had their souls unwillingly torn from their body, through some of the most unspeakable means known to man.

Or empty shells of people who jut seem to have been born without them….

I’m sorry to say this,

But there is not someone for everyone.

For majority of you, there are people out there for you, maybe even several.

But the truth is that some of us will die never meeting that ”special someone”.

It is a fact that typically fills the hearts of all those who hear it with sorrow, and for some, hopelessness ensnare them.

But what I think is saddest is those who feel hopeless when presented with this knowledge.

We are all amazing creatures, beautiful and unique in our own way.

Too long have we been inundated with the concept that we are not enough for ourselves,

That we need to be dependent on finding and holding on to the “perfect” person in order to be “complete”.

To me, this epidemic is sadder than never finding that non-existent “soul mate”

But perhaps there are worse things still….

I did not write to share my what some call my “bleak view” on love,

No,

I want to tell you of the girl who helped me understand and accept my sexuality as a gay woman,

The week before Christmas in 2014 I met a girl online.

You see… She simply wanted to make friends.

And though I claimed the same thing, my intentions were very different.

All I wanted was to feel the touch of her skin on mine.

I wanted to wrap around her like a boa constrictor to its prey,

And once I’d had my fill, to slither back into a hole…. never to be found again.

I had propositioned a proper meeting; face-to-face, all the while hungrier intentions swarmed though my mind.

Much to my astonishment, she had agreed and set a time and place.

Christmas Eve, 2014

I walked with a friend of mine (one who was significantly more intimidating than I was

For the sole purpose of the possibility that I would run into someone with much more sinister appetites than mine)

I approached the destination we were to meet and there she was, waiting for me.

When I was only a few feet away and before I got a good look at her, I felt her arms fling around me.

Now, this was not an embrace that lovers share but nor was it the embrace of strangers meeting for the first time.

It was something in between, something I did not understand.

She released me from her hold and struck up a conversation.

In all honesty, I can’t even remember what that conversation was about.

Because I was trapped you see….

I remained rooted to the floor barley able to form proper responses to whatever she was excitedly talking about…

But I will tell you what I do remember of that conversation….

She was taller than me, but only by inches (neither of us were even 5’ tall)

She had long curly hair, pulled tight into a bun that perched itself perfectly off the crown of her head.

Her hair was the color of melting chocolate, providing a delicate contrast around her pale complexion.

I remember Her nose,

It seems odd I know,

But it was centered perfectly within the frame of her face, perky enough to fit inside of a bottle cap.

And while I was observing she turned her head and I noticed the hole where a septum piercing used to live.

I remember her smile. A genuine smile that was naturally flawless. Straight, white teeth, outlined by a pair of velvet lips.

Her smile was radiant. It seemed to shine brighter than the sun itself, and with every giggle, every grin, her smile would light up her face as if she were glowing.

And when the corners that smile would touch her eyes…..

Oh… her eyes……

Those big, round, brilliant blue/gray eyes that looked as if they could freeze you with merely a glance.

And frozen I was. Feet frozen to the floor, lips nearly frozen shut, I could hardly breath for it felt as if my lungs seemed to fill with ice.

But then she’d smile…

And as her skin glowed from its brilliance the corners of it touched her eyes and they twinkled as if encrusted with millions and millions of microscopic diamonds

Immediately, I felt warmth inside me, starting from my core and radiating from my body until the parts of me I once thought frozen from her piercing wintery gaze, were thawed.

My lips seemed to be able to move in conversation, the icy air that had filled my lungs seconds prior has evaporated and the ice holding my feet in place simply melted as she took my hand and led me onward.

I did not know where our destination was, nor did I care.

Half of my brain seemed to be temporarily blinded by her radiance and the other half was like a sponge, soaking in every bit of her.

I was paying attention to what she was saying now. Her likes, her dislikes, interests, stories,

I wanted to hear it all,

Right down to the peach ring candies, which I despise, but ate anyways because they were her favorite.

She took off her winter coat and my eyes glazed over her porcelain skin, which acted as a canvas to beautiful pieces of ink that stretched across it.

I immediately started to examine her many tattoos, marveling at the beautiful ornate inked owl spanned out across her chest.

We finally sat down to have a proper conversation, and found myself significantly more relaxed.

By now I started opening up to her and we started to understand each other.

By this time the hunger that drove me here in the first place was all but forgotten…

All I wanted was to sit there and talk with her, and I didn’t want it to end.

Eventually we had to part ways.

As I dropped her off she looked at me with those eyes of hers and once again I froze.

I should have gotten out, opened the door, and said goodbye though a gesture that said all that I had left unsaid that night.

Instead, I froze

Sitting in the passengers’ seat of my moms van she attempted the same embrace she greeted me with but with great difficulty and much awkwardness.

A slight pause lingered the second the awkward embrace broke.

Our were brains and on fire with no knowledge on how to proceed,

But the promise of a kiss seemed to hang in the air, Fading fast, and with a clumsy goodbye that was half-shouted it finally died as she opened the passenger door turning a delicate shad of pink as she said goodnight.

I drove off with that same paralyzed feeling as when I first gazed into those eyes. But a fire was searing through my brain and chest.

Days later I moved hundreds of miles south, and shortly after that, she moved hundreds of miles west.

No facebook, no phone number, and the online profile I first met her on had disappeared.

Years passed and yet, somehow, we connected again.

Excitement roared inside me with a new confidence, I wasn’t going to screw up this time.

She was in a relationship.

My heart stopped.

I had to keep telling myself “you don’t know her, you met for a day”

But a dull ache remained all the same.

But their relationship was rocky and I always went out of my way to make sure I was there for her whenever I read that she was down or having a rough time.

I even told her how I felt about her, which was conflicting and confusing,

Regardless, sometimes we talked a lot, sometimes not at all. But she never forgot me, and I never forgot her.

Her relationship ended, and I plucked up the nerve to ask her to be my date for a wedding. She agreed and I was ecstatic.

Finally!  I had the chance to say all that was unsaid and put all those lingering actions from years prior into motion.

Then a week later the announcement was made

She’s engaged….

I was even asked to be a bridesmaid.

She seems just so happy. Who could ask for more than that?

I don’t believe in “soul mates”

I don’t believe in the notion of “love-first-sight”

But if such things did exist, this would have been it.

I do not believe in love

But perhaps I just tell myself this,

To abate the pain of losing the only one I might have ever truly loved

Then again…. you cannot loose that which was never yours…..