#that tbh has not fully settled down yet

[identitty-dickruption]

something you have to understand about psychosis is that it is an altered state of reality. the 'rules' of what is possible and therefore how it is appropriate to behave are different than when someone isn't in a psychotic episode. if your friends were possessed, it would be reasonable to be scared of them and to act accordingly. if someone was poisoning your food, it would be reasonable to not want to eat it. the same can be said for any number of delusions someone might be holding or hallucinations they might be having

understand this: when we are in psychotic episodes, we are not acting unreasonably or irrationally. we are acting reasonably for a different version of reality to what exists to you

[renjunphile]

for the rest of ours ᡣ𐭩 song eunseok

୨♡୧ WORD COUNT: 13.4k ୨♡୧ PAIRING: riize's song eunseok x female!reader ୨♡୧ TAGS & WARNINGS: chaebol heirs!au, rich kids!au, one sided enemies to lovers!au, arranged marriage!au, angsty at the start, overall fluff, reader is selfish and mean to eunseok for a good chunk of the story, brief unrequited love but y/n is an unreliable narrator tbh, second chance romance, she fell first but he fell harder trope, drinking, partying, non linear narrative

୨♡୧ SYNOPSIS: you find song eunseok to be utterly and despicably insufferable. too bad he's your fiancé since birth! and there was nothing you could do about it!

୨♡୧ NOTES: OHHHH im having such an intense eunseok rot that i had to write the most gut wrenching and nonsensical piece that becomes to sickeningly fluffy at the end. theyre just so in love with each other and there's literally no plot at all!!!!!!!!!!! lowkey one of the worst pieces i've written in recent times since i rushed it but i will edit and add scenes and plot in the future :> but for now, enjoy! ♡ i.b let my by zayn at the end :)

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

It may be disturbing for some and horrifying to say, but your eyes hadn't even fully formed in the womb to open and your limbs weren't even well defined enough to have joints when your life was signed off to another's. For goodness' sake, it had barely even been a month since your tiny, minuscule heart started beating! What would the Song's have done if you grew up ugly?

You sighed to yourself, muttering under your breath how Korea's third richest family should be grateful you were akin to art in anyone's eyes. You were looking through the dusty photo albums that the housekeeper found while tidying the primary study of the mansion, and you grimaced at the photos of your fiancé that appeared from even the very first page.

It was bad enough that you were engaged before you were born, but did he really have to attend your birth? He probably didn't even have memories then! But there it was, under your fingertips: a perfectly preserved photo of a 3-month old Eunseok bundled up in sleep suit being posed next to where the nurses placed you after they literally just took you out of your mother. You don't even think the umbilical cord had been cut yet.

"Y/N, Mr. Song is outside," your favourite housekeeper coos at you from the double doors going into the study. You give her a terse smile and stand up from your father's office chair, straightening your silk gown before taking her hand as she helped you down the marble stairs of your home.

You roll your eyes (mostly to yourself, but you didn't mind if he noticed) as you saw his car parked at the bottom of the stairs leading to your front door.

"You can't even be bothered to come and collect me? Or open the door for me?" you sneer as soon as you settled yourself into the passenger seat.

"Well hello to you too, my lovely wife," Eunseok smirks, immediately revving and setting off around the fountain of your courtyard.

"I'm not your wife," you snap, deciding to ignore when the word 'yet' seems to slip under his breath, "But seriously Eunseok? This car? I'm going to look so stupid trying to get out of this car in my dress and heels. Why do you love sitting on the floor so much?"

Eunseok has an extensive car range. One that any car junkie would envy, but Song Eunseok knew nothing about cars. He just had them because he could. This car was a sports car where you had to sit in such a ridiculous position just so the car could look cool on the outside.

"It's white!" he defends himself, slightly whining in a cute way to which you swallow down a positive reaction. His eyes flicker over to you momentarily and his tongue traces across his bottom lip, "You look gorgeous, by the way. Very bridal."

You're wearing a white silk dress that looks like it's made for your body. It's draped so beautifully around your hips and hugs every part that needs to be accentuated. You loved this dress the second you saw it in Paris, but you never thought then that it would be used for this occasion. 

"Just shut up and drive," you quip. It takes a few moments of silence for you to feel bad even though his expression remains neutral and you sigh, "I guess you don't look too bad."

"Aw, I knew you were in love with me!" he teases again, a phrase he liked to use every time you said something to him that wasn't snarky, sarcastic or an insult.

You choose not to reply, instead taking in the bright lights of Seoul as he pulls into a main road. You haven't been back in a while, holing yourself up in your penthouse in Manhattan, but you always loved the sight of home.

"But seriously, Y/N," Eunseok coughs to get your attention, his voice dropping down low and suddenly serious, "This actually might be your last chance to back out of this. Just say the word and I'll turn this car around and take you straight to Incheon and you can run away around the world long enough until they find me a new bride."

You turn to look at him, perplexed by his words, "And you? You actually want to get hitched off to some random?"

Eunseok shrugs, not meeting your eyes, "You're not some random. I've known you since you were born. I've known you'd be my wife since the day I could understand what that meant. But if I have to find a replacement because you don't want to do it anymore, I will."

"Gee, ever the gentleman," you deadpan, "I think want is a pretty strong word. I don't want to marry you, but I guess I will."

"You're not backing out? Not leaving me looking stupid up on the altar?" Eunseok taps his finger on the leather steering wheel.

You think about his words sincerely. There's really nothing more in the world that you'd love than to run away to a small little town on the southern coast of Italy- somewhere quaint and quiet where you'd find love and spend the rest of your days cooking, cleaning, baking and finding peace in the ocean. There's nothing more in the world that you want more than for someone to ask to marry you because they were in love with your soul and not having you by their side would be like torture in the cruelest form.

Alas, you're Kang Y/N of the powerful Kang family, the eldest child of your father and the next heir waiting to take over the conglomerate. And because you're Kang Y/N, the eldest daughter of the second richest family in Korea, you were contracted to marry the first son of the third richest family in Korea. After that, your companies would merge and you would overtake the Kim's as the sole ruler of the country.

"It's my duty," you swallow nervously as you begin to recognise the streets of where you were driving, signalling that you were soon approaching the venue, "It's fine, Eunseok."

"I wish it wasn't just fine. I wish this was what you wanted." he breathes out and your heart stops beating for a second before anger seeps in through the cracks of your heart.

"Do you think it's any girl's dream to marry someone that doesn't love them?"

Eunseok sighs as he presses on the breaks, moving through the lifted barrier where they had closed a portion of the street in anticipation for his car and your arrival. He twists his body to look at you, "Y/N-"

"It's fine, Eunseok," you grit your teeth as you repeat your words, eyes trained on the paparazzi camped out on the steps of the venue, eager to get a glimpse of you, "Let's just get this engagement party over with."

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

Song Eunseok had to follow you around the world like a lost puppy.

When you said that you wanted to go to that boarding school in Switzerland where only the richest sent their kids, Eunseok was in the seat next to you on that first class flight. When you said that you were going to Oxford to study for your undergraduate degree, Eunseok was tossing away his dream to study at Harvard to join you getting drunk at 18 under the grey British sky. When you said that you wanted to do your masters at Columbia so you could live in New York City, Eunseok was moving into the apartment across yours while he worked at the company his dad created in New York just for him to have something to do there.

If you said jump, Eunseok had to say how high?

That was just the name of the game considering the Song's had more to gain from this arrangement. Your family was richer. Your family was in a greater range of industries. Your family's money went back a lot further than the Song's. And you- you were the most stunning woman in Eunseok's eyes and because of him, you were stripped of your choice to fall in love. That's why the Song family gave you princess treatment from the second you were able to demand things. 

You had protested until your vocal cords went raw when they found out that they were sending Eunseok to university with you. For years up until you turned 18, you had imagined finally getting away from Eunseok for once, even if just for 3 years. He had always talked about Harvard and with the grades to boot, you thought that you'd finally have an ocean separating you.

It certainly wasn't an easy fight at the airport as you threatened to drop out of university the second that you even stepped foot into the new country. All your father did was bat his eyelashes and give you a heartfelt, "Please, princess? Just do this for us."

The phrase 'just do this for us' nearly knocked you sick nowadays after over 2 decades of hearing it spew out of your father's mouth. Ultimately, yes, you were lucky to have such a loving family that never pushed anything evil or truly despicable onto you. This was the one thing they needed from you. They obliged every want and wish for the trade-off of giving your hand in marriage to the Song's first born son.

In June of your third year of university, a couple months out from your graduation, Eunseok turned up at your door completely drunk.

"What are you doing here?" your arms were crossed tightly, trying to cover as much of yourself as possible as you were clad in the smallest pyjamas for the British summer heat.

He grinned goofily up at you, eyes lazily fluttering open and closed, "Hi, Y/N. I'm drunk." He was leaning against the doorway, nearly making out with the frame.

"I can see that," you sniffed the air and grimaced, "And smell it. But what are you doing here?"

"Can't I visit my lovely fiancée on her 21st birthday?" he batted his long eyelashes sweetly at you, taking one step into the apartment. You gazed at him hesitantly, taking one step back.

"I don't think anyone would appreciate their fiancé turning up on their doorstep piss drunk at 2am," you spat, "If you truly wanted to wish me a happy birthday, you would have left me alone."

"I lost my keys," Eunseok groaned, "I didn't know where else to go."

It should be sweet that out of all the places he could have chosen to go to in the city, he went to yours. Instead, it made you feel angrier.

"Eunseok, stop bothering me," your words contrasted your actions as you pulled him into your apartment and locked the door behind him, "Go sleep in the spare bedroom and leave as soon as you wake up. I'm going out for breakfast with my friends tomorrow so lock the door behind you and keep the key with you 'til you see me next." You pulled the spare key out of the drawer and placed it in his pocket.

Like a pathetic dog, Eunseok followed behind you as you led him through the apartment your parents had bought for you.

"Can I sleep with you?" he murmured.

"In your dreams, Song," you retorted, stopping in front of the spare room door, "Plus, you stink like shit."

"Ah, it's okay," he sighed dreamily, resting his head against the door, "We have the rest of forever to sleep beside each other."

You let out a frustrated screech, shoving his chest, "Can you let me live in peace? Why do you have to keep reminding me?"

"In the hopes that one day the thought of it won't make you sick or angry," he replied, opening the door of the room.

Your strong gaze faltered, "What are you- in love with me?"

"No," Eunseok shook his head, "I could learn to though, if you wanted me to."

"The only thing I want from you is to be far away from me," you ran your hands through your hair to soothe yourself, "And even that you can't do."

"I'm sorry, Y/N. Thanks for letting me stay," Eunseok gave up on his tyranny and dropped his voice, "Happy birthday."

You muster up a near half-smile, turning to return to your bed where you'd be tossing and turning until your alarm went off, "Goodnight Eunseok."

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

The worst thing about your arrangement with Eunseok was that it was kept secret.

Of course, it was an open secret in your families and to the company- and there were always rumours about it since you two ended up always together around the world. But it wasn't like it was announced to the world at any point to protect the prospective merger happening when you and Eunseok came of age.

That made relationships very hard indeed. It always had to end in heartbreak, at least for the other person.

The two of you agreed that you could see other people if you wanted to, and you agreed on this the same day you had your very first heartbreak.

"Eunseok, can we talk?" you poked his side to catch his attention. Eunseok was bouncing his basketball up and down while he spoke with his friends just outside the school courts. It had been 2 months since you moved back to Korea after spending 3 years in Switzerland at boarding school, where you quickly became homesick. Eunseok followed you home immediately.

Your fiancé bid his friends goodbye and gave you a sweet smile, "Yeah of course. What's up?"

You led him to the adjacent square that was thankfully deserted and settled just under the bloomed cherry blossom tree in the middle, "Um."

Eunseok giggled at your hesitancy and pushed your hair behind your ear, "What is it?"

16 year old you blushed terrifically at that moment, highlighting your plump cheeks and shining eyes as Eunseok peered down at you.

"I know this is um, pretty stupid," you began, breaking his stare and looking down at your Prada loafers, "Well basically, my friend Jimin- you know Jimin?- she told me to-"

"Just say it, Y/N."

"I like you?"

It came out more of a question as you quirked your eyebrow up at your fiancé.

His eyes went wide, taking in a deep breath, "Y/N. You," he paused, "You like me?"

"Yeah," you exhaled, "Is that so bad? We're going to get married someday."

Eunseok looked around and noticed his friends turning the corner to the courtyard, presumably to look for him, "Look, Y/N, I'm sorry but I thought we were going to, you know, try experience life like how others do and meet people and do whatever we want to until they tell us we need to get married. I didn't think we were obliged to date."

Your eyes began to water and your lips began to quiver as sheer embarrassment sunk into your bones, "So what? You want to date around?"

Eunseok reached out to cup your face but you quickly took a step back, feeling humiliated and slightly bettayed, "I'm sorry Y/N. I didn't know you felt like this towards me. Look, can we talk later? I'll swing by your house after basketball practice, okay?"

From the ages of 0-16, you would say that you and Eunseok were close childhood friends. Even though you had no concept of marriage or love, your parents had forced the two of you to be together through every occasion with weekly play dates and attending the same schools. When you finally understood what being engaged to each other meant at around 12 years old, it made you swoon that you were going to spend the rest of your life with your best friend, who you'd always found endearingly cute. He became more handsome as the years went by and at 16, he was the object of all of your desires.

He was manly, he was protective, he was sporty and most of all, he treated you so well. He would run around town with you no question to go shopping and indulge you in all of your cravings even if you needed to have ice cream at 10pm in the dead of winter. He would take the train with you all around Switzerland to see different lakes and ski resorts. He would help you study in the library and pass you your favourite snacks whenever it seemed you were getting tired. He would give you his jacket on the breezy nights watching the local sports matches.

You were so blinded with your affection towards him that you had convinced yourself that he did those things because he liked you back. Because he wanted to treat his future wife well.

The day Eunseok stamped all over your little heart was the day you waged a one-sided war against him. Eventually, Eunseok began reciprocating your snarky attitude and the rest had been history.

You told your maids and house security to refuse entry to the grounds to Eunseok that night, but because of your parents' unconditional offer to Eunseok to make your house also his home, he had spent a good part of the night on the other side of your bedroom door trying to get you to open it so he could apologise. For a man you were once smitten for, it was easy to put on your headphones and drown him out until he got exhausted and left.

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

Eunseok opens the car door for you and offers out his hand. In the darkness of his car, you grimace slightly, but force yourself to take his hand and use your free hand to smooth your dress out as you exit the car. The flashes from the press are blinding and carry on all the way up to the bottom of the staircase leading into the venue your parents had hired for the evening.

You try to keep a pleasant smile on your face as Eunseok passes his keys to the valet men before wrapping his arms around your waist. It comes nearly naturally to him, from all the photos your parents had made you pose together in dating back a decade or two. But it's your first official public appearance together, so the flashes intensify and you're taken aback. Eunseok feels you stumble slightly and begins to lead you along the carpet rolled out up to the stairs.

There's shouting from every direction- asking where your dress was from, asking if you were dating, asking why you were with the 'rival' company's son all the time- nothing new to you. After you traverse up the stairs, the two of you turn around and give a small wave at the cameras. You feel Eunseok drop his head down to yours, so you nestle yourself into him a bit more. How sweet, you thought to yourself, pushing down the urge to throw up at all this fakeness.

"Last chance to run," Eunseok murmurs as the doorman opens the glass doors into the foyer.

"Are you begging me to?" you counter, "Why do you keep insisting I back out?"

"I'm not. I just feel guilty, so I'll make up a solution if you want to stop all of this," he whispers into your ear. To others, it's an endearing moment as you keep your face neutral.

"It is all your fault. You should feel guilty. I'm not doing this for you or your family, but for my family. If this is what they want, then I'll oblige," you nod your head firmly.

While Eunseok's family was definitely benefiting more from the merger, it did come with some advantages for your family too: less competition in the market, combined success superseding the current top conglomerate, and for your parents: the knowledge that their first born child was going to have someone that was born to and raised from a good and rich family- someone that would be able to take care of you no matter what and understand your life in a way no other civilian could.

You know that your parents' argument for you to marry this guy was weak- there were plenty of good, rich guys from other companies- but you had been happy with the arrangement at the start and by the time you were 16 and he was breaking your heart, the companies had already started slowly merging or putting the plans into place. It was honestly a shame to your parents that other than rejecting you, Eunseok really had no faults. He was always polite, always courteous and intelligent enough to take over the conglomerate with you when the time would come.

Eunseok drops his arm from your waist, instead sliding his finger between yours.

"Miss. Y/L/N, Mr. Song," your family's general assistant approaches you in the foyer with a tight smile, "The event is about to begin. Please follow me to the stage. Are your speeches prepared?"

"Mhm," you hum, tugging Eunseok with you behind your assistant, "The rest of the family are here?"

"Yes. They're waiting by the stage," she replies as nerves finally settle into your stomach. You suddenly can't even look at Eunseok anymore as the gravity of the situation clicks into your mind. After this, you were going to be officially engaged in front of the world and you were going to be his bride in no less than a year from now. There was no turning back anymore.

Eunseok has to shoot you a look to stop you shaking on the stage as your father and his begin their speeches about their company, and the new era and blah, blah, blah. You tune them out in order to focus on your breathing and make sure you don't barf the second you step up to the podium. After minutes of nonsense, you feel Eunseok place his hand on the small of your back, signalling you to take to the stand.

"Um," you began, suddenly losing all the lessons you had learned in your public speaking classes growing up, "Thank you all for joining us on this occassion. As my father said, we are transitioning into a new era of our company and as I take on the role of COO, we believe it's important to have good people by your side to support you. While my family and the Songs are joining together in business, we are also joining together in family," you look over at Eunseok, who gives you a reassuring nod, "Song Eunseok and I are to be wed in one year's time. We have been close friends and partners since we were born and I couldn't imagine anyone better suited to be by my side. We can go into this business partnership fully trusting each other and our companies and we would be grateful if you could give us your support. Thank you."

You step away from the podiums as gasps ring through the crowd. The business venture was nearly an open secret in the industry, but your relationship with Eunseok was based on rumours only, having never confirmed it. Now that you have, it would stir up all these new rumours- were you only getting married for the merger? Did you two actually love each other? What about all the eligible bachelors and bachelorettes that had been conniving to get even a bit of your or Eunseok's time to beg for your hand in marriage?

Eunseok takes his place beside you, wrapping his arm around your waist again as your families smile together for the pictures. The engagement party also doubled as a celebration for the merger, so at least all of the spotlight wasn't on you.

You're glad that your friends are here. They're all business heirs too, since like attracted like at your school. Your best friend Minjeong attacks you with a hug the second you step down from the stage.

"Ah, my best friend is getting married," she sighs dreamily into your ear, "You know what, Y/N, at least he's handsome. It's harder to hate someone when they look that good."

"Then you marry him," you chide, half-joking, "The problem has never been his looks. It's the situation."

"He doesn't hate you half as much as you hate him," Minjeong tuts, "And he's in the same situation. He never got a choice either."

You know deep down that she's right, but you're committed to making his life hell until the ends of the earth for breaking your heart. If anyone could say anything about you, it was that you could hold a grudge.

"Whose side are you on?" you prod her arm, but she rolls her eyes and links arms with you to join Eunseok and his friends.

"Happy engagement, lovebirds," Sungchan greets you with two kisses on your cheeks, "So excited to be at your wedding."

"I'm sitting you at the back," you retort, sticking your tongue out. You hated that Eunseok's friends were genuinely nice and funny people. It was so hard to distance yourself from Eunseok when your friendship groups had been deeply intertwined since you all could walk.

"Not when I'm a groomsman, right Eunseok-ie?" Sungchan swings his arm around his friend's shoulder, pulling him close, "Now tell me, who's the best man?"

Eunseok shoves his arm off, "You can just draw straws for it."

"I'll be the best man, hyung," Seunghan grins cheekily, "I'll make sure to give a really good speech, okay?"

"It's almost as if it's a real wedding," you smile bitterly, "Jeong, you'll be my maid of honour right?"

"You have to ask me properly," Minjeong whines, "We're going to do this wedding right, okay? My best friend will only get married once. I'm not letting you let your wedding planner do everything; we've been planning our dream weddings since we were 10 so we'll do it according to that."

"C'mon Y/N," Wonbin bumps his shoulder with yours, "We can make it fun. We know you'd rather not marry hyung, but he had always been the groom in all the weddings you'd plan when you were young. Now it's like a dream come true."

"Yah, Park Wonbin," Eunseok grits his teeth at his friend for bringing up the past. You wince at the reminder as Minjeong slaps his arm.

"Y/N, I think your mother is calling over you and Eunseok to dance," Shotaro calls for you softly, and you turn around to see your mother desperately signalling to you to join her on the dance floor.

"I'll see you guys later," you bid your friends a goodbye as you follow Eunseok into the crowd.

The night crawls by. It's nearly painful as you fake a smile with every passerby and acquaintance who congratulates you for your engagement. It feels like you're getting stabbed in the heart over and over again as everyone coos over how in love the two of you seem and how they always knew you were going to end up together. It crushes you as Eunseok leans down to your ear while you dance, apologising for how this was your life.

You get into his car after the party. The ride home is silent, apart from the noise of the city around you that seeps in even through the rolled up windows. Eunseok won't even dare breathe too loud in fear of making your life even less like what you had dreamed it to be.

He pulls up to your house and you make a quick move to unbuckle your seatbelt and open the door in one motion, but Eunseok wraps his hand around your wrist gently, bringing you back down.

"What is it now, Song?" you sigh in frustration, closing your eyes in defeat.

"I know this night has made your hatred for me 10 times worse," Eunseok begins, shuffling in his seat to reach into his inside pocket, "And I know that what we have isn't real to you, but I thought you at least deserved this."

Your eyes flutter open and you look over to him. He uncurls his clenched hand, unveiling a shiny ring in the middle of his palm. You bite back the gasp that bubbles up through your throat, and you reluctantly take the ring between your fingers without looking at him.

It's exactly your dream ring. It's what you imagined the love of your life to propose with when you were younger. It's what you wanted to be someone's physical manifestation of their love and devotion to you. That makes it all the worse when it comes from Eunseok.

"I remembered," Eunseok reads your mind, "When we went ring shopping when we were young for fun because you wanted to make sure I would propose with the right ring. I hope it's still what you want."

You can't bear to look at Eunseok at all, so you clench the ring in your hand and open the door, "Goodnight Eunseok. Thank you. Get home safely."

There's 100 steps between your front door and your bedroom. It takes what's left of your energy to hold back the sobs that threaten to escape prematurely. As soon as your bedroom door clicks shut, you collapse against your floor and break down in tears.

Why did Song Eunseok have to be such a good man? Why did you have to hate him? He was yours now, and that was what younger you wanted all along. Why were you taking it out on him? You had been holding onto a grudge for so long and he had been trying to make amends in private ever since, despite going along with your whole enemies thing for his own fun.

You hated how you knew that Song Eunseok could and would give you the life you wanted. You hated how all you wanted to do was love him like it was your choice and for him to love you back like it was his. But in this world, you were privileged enough to have everything you ever wanted, aside from the choice to love whoever you wanted to.

You hated how you didn't even have a choice in loving someone who didn't love you back.

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

You fought with Eunseok nearly every time that you saw him through your university years. You found problems in the way he positioned himself too close to you and problems in the way he would distance himself and act like strangers when you did complain about that. You found problems in the way he didn't talk to other girls despite rejecting you and found problems when he would go on dates after you said that.

In short, Song Eunseok was a problem to you.

Yizhuo was forcing shots into your hands and demanding that you downed them with her as you tried to tune back in to the party going on around you. You couldn't think of anything else the second that Song Eunseok walked through the door arm in arm with some girl.

It was the last party of your undergraduate university days, since exams had finished and you were going to graduate in just a couple of weeks. Someone had rented out some kind of manor in the outskirts of Oxford, dedicated for everyone to stay at and party for a weekend. You knew the organiser through a friend of a friend, but everyone that had been invited was someone you either knew personally or knew of. The spoilt brats community at your university was large, but tight.

You obliged Yizhuo's request and bitterly downed the drink, hissing as it burned through your tracts, "What is this? It tastes disgusting."

"Alcohol isn't made to taste nice," she tutted at you, following your line of sight before sighing, "I guess it's time to get you more so you don't have to be sober looking at that."

Minjeong shook her head on the other side of you, "I can't believe he would bring someone here. He knew you'd be here. So disrespectful."

You saw that Eunseok was about to turn, so you quickly spin away in order to avoid eye contact, "It doesn't matter to me. We're not dating."

"But he's your fiancé," Yizhuo stomped in defiance, "He should have some respect for you."

"Since he didn't want to date me, i'd rather him date other people. Then it just looks like he rejected me because he didn't like me as a person," you affirmed, taking another shot with Minjeong.

"Y/N, please. You were 16 when you confessed and 16 year old boys don't have the most mature outlook on life," Minjeong argued, coughing after the bitter shot, "I'm sure he's not stupid anymore. You grew up hot and he's practically tripping over his own feet trying to chase after you."

"He's not chasing me," you scoffed, "He brought a girl here."

"Oh, you're impossible, Y/N," Yizhuo cried out, beginning to slur, "What do you actually want that poor boy to do? Even I would be confused with the way you act."

Your best friends have been trying to knock sense into you since you turned 18 and Eunseok gave up his dream to study at Harvard to be with you in England. They had claimed that Eunseok realised his feelings for you and wanted to make up for rejecting you. You claimed that if that was his intention, he would have told you that by now instead of pestering you by inserting himself into your new life without reason.

"He can do whatever he wants," you turned your nose up, "I don't care about him."

"Well you better act that way. He's coming," Minjeong warned you, suddenly disappearing with Yizhuo and leaving you stranded with your fiancé walking towards you.

It honestly felt like the grim reaper floating over in slow motion before he came to collect your soul. You fought hard to control the grimace on your face as he stopped in front of you.

"Y/N," he greeted softly, leaning in to give you a hug. You stood still, but you don't push him away. You ignored the way your heart skipped a beat when he pressed his cheek gently against the top of your head.

"Eunseok,"

"How were exams? You're graduating this year, right?" his head is tilted at you, eyes focused into yours.

"Why are you even asking? I'm sure you know my plans for the next 10 years considering you're still following me around," you scoffed, "Does your new girl know you're moving to New York after graduation so you can stalk me while I do my masters?"

"Are you jealous?" he smirked suddenly, gentle demeanour disappearing, "She's just a friend."

"Does she know that? I don't care what you do, Song. I just feel bad for the poor girl whose heart you're going to break when you tell her you're engaged," you feigned nonchalance, pouring yourself another shot, "I guess it's my fault for telling you to have your fun and experience things since apparently you'll be so devoid of love when you get married."

"Y/N," he trailed off, grabbing the soju bottle that had appeared in your hands, "You know it's not like that. I didn't mean it like that when I reject-"

"Save it, Song," you rolled your eyes, "Your girl is coming. Don't go blaming me when time comes to break her heart."

You turned away in time and managed to snatch back your alcohol before arms wrap around Eunseok's and a high pitch voice squeals to him about how she lost him. You find Sungchan somewhere in the crowd and convince him to call you a taxi to take you back into the town where your apartment was. Before he could even confirm the booking, you had already disappeared into the crowd, the shots you had taken truly seeping into your blood and making your head spin.

You don't really remember what happened the rest of that night, but if you try hard enough, you can remember being tucked into a bed on the third floor, big eyes peering down at you as you tossed under the duvet, a hunched figure sat at the end of the bed on the floor and a soft voice singing you to a deep slumber.

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

"It's gorgeous, darling," your mother's voice takes you out of the focus mode you're in. The sunlight seeps through the stained glass, illuminating the sunroom at the back of your house. If you look down through the windows, you'd find the garden that your mother has been cultivating for decades. The rose garden with its arches and its vines was where you'd dreamed to get proposed to when you were young.

"You think so?" you showed her the sketch in full, turning the pad, "Do you think it's easy enough to create in real life?"

"We can make anything you want happen," your mother takes a seat in the lounge chair next to yours.

"Can you make Eunseok love me back?" you hum dejectedly, shading in the corset of what would be your wedding dress.

"He does, sweetheart. You just refuse to see it," your mother swiftly utters, and you stop your drawing, clenching the pencil tightly in your fist.

"Why does everyone say that?" you growl, "Everyone but Eunseok."

"Because you act like you hate him. You act like marrying him is the worst thing in the world. You act like there's nothing he could say or do that would bring him back into your favour despite you loving him all these years," your mother is lecturing you now, "He follows your lead, my darling. He will go to the ends of the earth for you and he always has. What more does he have to do for you to accept the way he shows his love? What more can he do to have your forgiveness?"

There's tears welling up in your eyes and your mother takes the drawing pad away from you to examine the dress you had envisioned. She carries on while you chew your lip and fight back the tears.

"You're going to be beautiful in this dress. One year's time will fly by, so make amends with Eunseok by then. Even if you don't go into this marriage as lovers, at least go into it as friends. That will make your life easier."

"I don't want to be friends," you grit out.

"Mhm, you want all or nothing. Why don't you ask him, then? He threw the ball in your court when he asked you if this marriage is what you want. Someone who doesn't love you or care about you wouldn't give you the option to run away to save yourself, you know?" you hate how insightful your mother is as she grabs your left hand, "This ring is beautiful, Y/N. He knows your heart like it's his."

"Cause it is his," you choke as the tears begin falling, "And he stamped all over it 8 years ago."

"He was just a young boy back then. He's followed you all over the world to be by your side ever since. He's sacrificed his own life to make your dreams come true. You have no choice but to marry each other, but he's been making choices to give you the life you wanted," she strokes your hair gently, "Can you give the boy a chance?"

Over the years, your parents had apologised to you for putting you in such a situation. They had told you that if you truly, inside your heart, didn't want to get married to Song Eunseok, they would call the whole thing off. The marriage was a way to ensure the merger wouldn't go awry by putting you and Eunseok as collateral if one side ever did try to betray the other. Tying the two of you together in marriage was a way to prevent either families from ruining the other.

You considered putting a stop to things more times than you could count on your fingers, but selfishly, you would imagine yourself on a rocking chair on a porch, hair grey and skin wrinkly and when you would look over to see who would be on the other chair, Eunseok was the only one you could imagine with you.

"But I've treated him so horribly all these years," you hiccup, trying to stop your crying, "There's no way that Eunseok would love someone like me."

"Because you won't let him," she stands up and places the drawing pad back in your lap, "Y/N, your father and I love you very much and all we want is your happiness. We haven't opposed this marriage despite how hard you've tried to push Eunseok away because we know that if you let him, he would make you truly happy. You're the only person stopping that happiness."

You ponder on her words for a while after she leaves, adding little details to your dress. For someone who was acting like this wedding was going to ruin their life, you sure were investing a lot of your free time into it. Maybe Minjeong had gotten into your head; unless you planned to divorce Eunseok (after the 5 year clause, per the contract), you were only going to get married once, so you should at least do it in your style.

Wonbin was right at your engagement party. You'd been planning your wedding since young. You knew exactly which flowers you wanted to adorn the aisle, which flavour of cake you wanted to eat, which song was going to play while you walked down the aisle, and whose eyes you wanted on you on the other side as you did. Eunseok had always been your dream man- he was your first crush, your first love and your first heartbreak all rolled up into one devastatingly handsome package. You imagined him in his crisp suit, laughing through his tears because you just looked so beautiful, and the thought of that takes you out of your fantasy and back into the room that was filled not with tears of happiness, but of silence.

You look down at the ring. The sun is hitting it perfectly, making the diamond shimmer in the beam. You slide it off and inspect the band for the first time, wondering what size he got since you didn't even know your size. Your heart stops when you first notice it. It's so small that if you blinked at that moment, you probably wouldn't have even noticed it and you would've lived the rest of your life not knowing it was there.

You run your nail against the engraving, your breath hitched as you read it.

To the one I'll always choose.

It's always been about choice. This whole time, it's been about your freedom to choose.

You and Eunseok weren't born with the privilege of choosing the one who was going to love you so hard that it would drive you crazy. You were instead born with a silver spoon in your mouth and a signed contract that because your family was going to have a girl first, that girl would be married to the Song's first born when the time came.

There was no question or argument about it. You grew up beside Eunseok knowing you were going to spend the rest of your life together, so you chose to learn everything about him. You chose to learn that he loved playing basketball with his friends and that he became silly and unserious when around them. You chose to learn that he doted on his much younger baby brother and that he would fight anyone and anything that could bring harm to him. You chose to learn that Eunseok had a soft heart that had its very own soft spot reserved just for you- one that grew bigger after your hatred for him did as well.

While you chose to hate Eunseok for rejecting you, he chose to stick by your side anyways. He chose to join you in Oxford, even if most of his friends went to America to study. He chose to live at the block just down the street from yours, so he could walk behind you to lectures and check that you were okay every day without overwhelming you. He chose to sleep on hard floors and wake up with kinks in his neck because he chose to sing you to sleep while you were drunk and then refused to leave to sleep in a nice bed so he could watch over you and protect you in your state. He chose to take on a job in New York for two years instead of joining his father's company straight out of business school so that you had someone to accompany you on your midnight walks through New York City. He chose to give you the choice to leave if marrying him was truly a burden you couldn't bear, because your happiness was the grand reward of the consequences that he would bear in your place.

When you chose to hate him, Eunseok let love grow in the emptiness that you left behind instead. He would choose you a million times over and over again until the day you'd finally see it. Your hatred for the situation stemmed from the fact that you thought your choices were stripped away in being arranged to marry. You wanted Eunseok to love you not because he had to, but because it was his choice to.

You were too blind by your rage to see that Eunseok had been choosing you over and over again not because of the arrangement, but in spite of it. That was the greatest love of them all.

-

On the next sunny day, Eunseok joins you on the bench in the middle of the rose garden. You'd been sketching up ideas on how you want the aisle to look like. You were thinking light flowers along the bottom with candles dispersed to illuminate it. In your dreams, you'd get married at sunset in a glass pavilion that could hold only your closest friends and families. As the sun started dipping, the candles would take over as the source of light and bathe everyone in a soft, golden glow. In your dreams, the light would reflect onto Eunseok's face, highlighting his sharp cheekbones and large, round eyes that were peering down into yours.

"What did you call me over for?" Eunseok sits on his hands and looks around. It's spring time and the garden is at its most vibrant and beautiful.

You hold out your hand in front of you, "I found the engraving on the ring."

Eunseok takes a sharp breath in, "Ah you did?"

"Did you not want me to see it?"

"I had just hoped that whenever you did see it, you would believe it," Eunseok whispered, "It's true, by the way."

"I know," your response has Eunseok turning his head so fast it almost gives him whiplash.

"You do?"

"Mhm. You chose to follow me around the world despite me hating you and you having to give up on your dream schools just so you could try to prove yourself to me. You chose to keep giving me gifts on birthdays when we were abroad since my family often couldn't make it. You always choose me. Why?"

"In part to make amends for the mistake I made when I was young pushing away your feelings like that without thought," Eunseok explained, "But for the most part because I care about you and I want to make the best of a bad situation we're in. I know that no one wants to be in an arranged marriage. I just wanted to show you that I could give you the life you wanted. That you could be happy with me."

Your heart aches at his words as you realise how truly misguided your perception of him was. You had thought that he was following you around to torment you and to remind you that you could never be free, but all this time, he was letting you live your dreams and staying by your side to show that he was supporting you.

"I've treated you so badly over the years and you still want to marry me?" you meet his eyes that have been trained on you since the moment he sat down.

Eunseok giggles and reaches up his warm palm to your cold face, "Hm, your words are harmless Y/N. You've shown your affection to me in other ways; I know you love me."

You roll your eyes and push his hand away, "In your dreams, Song."

"Mhm, actually in your dreams," Eunseok teases, "Considering you've been dreaming about marrying me for 10 years."

"And I don't know why. I must be sick in the head for that. Did you hit me in the head when we were young or something?" you retort, trying to move away from him.

Eunseok lets out a full-bodied laugh that sends butterflies through you instead of the burning rage that usually ensued whenever he was having fun in front of you. He stretched his arm around you behind the bench and pulled you closer to him, "Just admit it, Y/N. Everyone knows you've had a fat crush on me since we were teens and it's only ever grown. There's a very, very fine line between love and hate."

"I still hate you," you grumble, "This doesn't mean anything."

Eunseok drops his head down, pushing your head into his shoulder. Your first instinct is to recoil away and grimace, but Eunseok's grip on your shoulder is tight, so you try to relax in his hold.

"You'll always be my girl, Y/N. You just have to accept that."

You hum and watch the bees buzz around the rose garden, "I've always wanted the whole ordeal- the crushing, the pining, the courting, going on dates, having your firsts, moving in together, proposing how you want. I feel like that was taken away from me before I even knew what they were and even if we do those things, how would I know what's real and what's fake? What you're doing because of me and what you're doing because of the arrangement- that kind of stuff."

Eunseok's heartbeat is slow and strong, "The arrangement only brought us to each other. How can I make you believe that everything I do for you is because I want to?"

"How about we start with when you rejected me and left poor little 16 year old me heartbroken?"

Eunseok scoffs, "Y/N, I was stupid, okay? It was a mistake, I was young and I was too blind to see what was in front of me. You were still special to me back then and I have always cared for you, but I didn't know what I wanted back then. I grew up and haven't looked back since."

"And the girls you brought around at university?"

"Because you were demanding that I dated other people," Eunseok rolls his eyes, thinking about your past explosive arguments about relationships, "I just went on dates here and there, but never anything serious. I always let them know that I couldn't commit, but you know there was a line wrapping around Oxford wanting to date me."

You chuckle at that. Everyone was falling over their feet for the chance to get just a second of Song Eunseok's time, the same way he was doing to you. He was incredibly popular and girls would approach you to ask you to set them up, but you would always growl and send them on their way.

"You were only the most eligible bachelor because you're the son of the third richest family in Korea," you sneer, jokingly.

"And I'm handsome, charming, intelligent and kind," Eunseok lists off his traits on his fingers, "But everyone knows you've always had my heart."

"I don't know if I can believe that."

He shrugs simply beside you, "Doesn't matter. I can show you now."

"What?"

"We can date from now on. I'll show you how I feel. Then in one year's time, you'll be gladly getting married to me instead of having to be dragged up the aisle kicking and screaming by your family," he says it so casually that you question if the shocked reaction you're having is the abnormal one.

"Date?" you splutter out, completely bewildered, pulling away from him, "Us two? Now?"

"Why are you saying it like it's crazy? I basically just confessed to you," Eunseok crosses his arms in front of his chest and tilts his head in confusion, "Are you rejecting me? Is this payback?"

You wave your hand in dismissal, "Yah, you're really confusing me here, Eunseok. I don't know what I'm feeling right now."

He laughs again, and he's glad that he can finally laugh with you for the first time in years. He takes your hand between his and squeezes assuringly, "It's okay. We can figure it out together as we go. Just stay by my side, okay?"

You sigh into the breeze. The air was crisping up as the sky began to illuminate in visions of pink and purple. You look over at Eunseok and the reflection of the sun makes his eyes look iridescent. One thing you've always known about Eunseok is that with him, you felt safe, so you nod and squeeze his hand back, "Yeah."

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

The first time you saw Eunseok again after your undergraduate graduation, it was in New York City at the end of summer.

You had spent the entire summer travelling nearly every country in Europe with your friends, while Eunseok was forced to come home and start learning how to actually work in his father's company before he started his role at the New York branch. You were glad to have this summer without him considering the two of you spent your summers together as children and as teens, your friendship groups overlapped so you also had to hang out with him.

There were endless boxes in your apartment since decorating your space was one of your life's great pleasures. The boxes were organised by room and had been shipped out from England at the start of the summer when you moved out. They'd been collecting dust, so all your windows were thrown open in the summer heat to air out the apartment and the dust. Of course you had AC, but there was something about the noise of the city traffic and the hustle and bustle travelling up to your apartment that made you feel like you were truly in the city.

The knock on your door made you groan instantly and you had to suppress the urge of banging your head into the coffee table you were decorating. You took small and slow steps to the front door, but the pattering on the door wasn't letting up.

"Already here to bother me on my first day? It's only been like 3 hours since I got off the plane," you sighed as you came face to face with your dreaded fiancé.

Eunseok rolled his eyes and pushed past your shoulders into your kitchen, "I know you missed me. I brought takeout since you probably haven't eaten and don't have any food yet." Eunseok held up a bag of his favourite Korean food in the city and placed it on your dining table, dishing out the styrofoam boxes.

He arrived in the city a week and a half before you did, moving into the apartment across the hall so he had been able to get himself settled into both his job and his city before you came to rain down terror on him.

"What makes you think I want to eat with you?"

"I bought it, so I'm gonna eat it. Up to you if you wanna starve or not," Eunseok shrugged, already making himself comfy in one of your expensive dining chairs. He took out some plastic cutlery from the bag and began to dig in to the beef bibimbap he had ordered for himself. There was another few boxes of food in the bag, all of which smelling amazing and instantly causing your stomach to grumble.

Sheepishly, you took the seat across from him and scavenged through the food. He had ordered you some tteokbokki and a stew with some rice. Either he knew you too well or it was a lucky guess. For the sake of your heart, you settled on the latter choice.

The two of you ate in silence for a while, not really looking up at each other and just staring passively at your food. Silence was few and far between when it came to you and Eunseok. It was always hushed arguing or full blown insulting between the two of you no matter where you went or how inappropriate it may have seemed to others. You were sure there were rumours that the two of you didn't always get on despite being photographed together so often, but your families' PR teams were experts in mangling all those 'rumours'. 

You broke the silence first, "How's the new job?"

The heir in front of you coughs and looks at you strangely, as if he couldn't believe you would ask him that, "It's... work. Not horrible and met a couple friendly colleagues. Having this job does make me feel so grown up and responsible, though," after the initial shock of you initiating a conversation, Eunseok began blabbering about his new position at his family's company.

"Well then hopefully it makes you more mature," you snide.

Eunseok scoffed, "Trust me, Y/N, when I say that I'm the more mature one out of us. You'll find out what I mean one day."

"If you were mature enough, you'd know to oppose this crazy marriage with me," you turned your head away from him, feeling the anger bubble up again.

"And it's because I'm mature enough that I'm not," he shrugged, "Unlike you, I don't think this marriage will be the worst thing that can happen to me."

"I'm honoured," you retorted, "I don't know why you think that when all I've done is make your life difficult. Why would you think I can't continue for the rest of our lives?"

He smiled coyly at you, pushing a drink that appeared in the bag towards you, "You'll get tired, sweetheart. Then you'll fall in love with me."

You feel sick at how he's all entirely wrong. Despite that, you appreciate how he's always able to diffuse any tension between the two of you even if his words are always cocky and arrogant. z

You don't say anything to him for a long while. When you finished up your food in silence, he packed everything anyway and placed it in the correct bins. Wordlessly, he began to unpack your boxes with you, unwrapping everything bubble wrapped and placing it on the kitchen counters for you to organise. You would have protested this act of service, but he's right- fighting him all the time does get tiring.

In this light from the living room as the sun setting made your apartment glow and burst with light, Eunseok looks radiant. You hope he can't see you admiring him from the next room. It's almost as if you're a normal couple, moving into their first home and starting their new life together. It's a melancholy sight as you ponder the what if's.

He breaks down all of your boxes flat, humming to himself a song that you think you've heard at the end of parties when you'd be sat on someone's bedroom floor just talking or playing cards half-drunk. Eunseok turned his head towards you and you whipped your head away so fast it hurts your neck.

"You still have this?" he held up a mug that instantly flashed you back to 6 years ago. The mug is majority a light pink and wonky in places since you made it yourself from clay. It was a few months process making and painting the mug, but when you were 15 with the biggest crush on him, having a mug brandishing "Y/N + EUNSEOK" on it made you feel giddy inside.

"All my other mugs broke," you lied through your teeth, snatching it from his grip and placing it in a random empty cupboard, "My mother packed it for me when I moved to Oxford."

"Mhm, okay," you could tell he was smirking but you made yourself busy with the plates, "I'm gonna take the boxes down to the recycling. Do you want any more help?"

"I've had enough of you for today," you breathed out. Too much time with him truly drove you crazy, "But thanks."

"Anytime, princess. I'm just across the hall if you need me and I'll get your number whenever you get it set up." he wiped his hands on his jeans and have you that charming smile that made you fall in the first place.

You see him out wordlessly. You don't argue when he turns up the next day demanding for your number in case you ever needed anything from him (or if he wanted to come and bother you). You feign annoyance when one morning he's insisting that he ran out of coffee in his apartment and wanted some of yours. You leave him in your apartment because you were running late to class, but when you get home, you open the cupboard and try not to fall all over again when you see a matching, much lumpier, handmade blue mug that brandished the words "TO FOREVER <3" on it next to yours.

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

You're tossing and turning in your seat as Eunseok shakes you gently. He laughs when you groan under your breath as he wakes you up, "Sit up. We're landing soon."

The sleep you got on the flight was long, but you still woke up incredibly tired since you kept getting woken up for meals. You were grateful that you could fly first class with separate seats and beds, otherwise you'd be much more groggy than you already were.

Buckling yourself in the seat next to Eunseok's, you yawn, "Eunseok, what the fuck is an engagement trip?"

"A trip celebrating our engagement, duh," he looks at you like you're stupid, so you shove him as hard as your tired body could muster, "Like a honeymoon but before. Never too many excuses to take a vacation. Plus, we're going to be busy this trip."

You've never taken a vacation with just Eunseok before. Sure, you've lived in three different countries together outside of Korea and gone on a couple of vacations as children and with a large group of friends, but never just the two of you with a purpose.

"I don't understand why our wedding planner couldn't just pick a venue for herself and call it a day. Why must we go all the way to Italy and do it ourselves?" you're up to your neck in work, but you couldn't protest when you found a week blocked off in your calendar by your assistant, telling you it was 'orders from above' AKA your father.

"It was my idea," he confesses with a shrug, "Won't it be nice if we actually like where we're getting married? If we chose it ourselves because we can see ourselves getting married there?"

It feels like your heart is clenching at the insinuations behind his words. He wants to get involved with your wedding planning, like it's a real wedding. You sniff and turn away from him. It is a real wedding, you remind yourself. You were going to get married legally and this wedding was real, no matter the intention behind it. No matter if you loved or hated each other, it was a real wedding.

"Yeah. Everywhere in Italy is nice so at leadt it'll be a good trip," the past couple of months since you've been officially engaged to Eunseok, you've been attempting to be nicer and hold back your retorts. You've made an effort to argue less and he's been trying to get on your good side. You've both been busy with work considering the news of the merger brought a whole new wave of problems, so you've had no time to interrogate his profession to "date" you. Thank gosh, because your heart would not be able to take that.

The plane lands soon enough and before you know it, you're in a private car going to your hotel. You were staying in Milan, but driving around Lake Como and Tuscany to tour the list of potential venues that your wedding planner had come up with. You were definitely going to be exhausted by the end of it.

The drive was relatively silent, just listening to music and looking out of the window, but when you arrive at the hotel, Eunseok opens the car door for you and snakes his arm around your waist as you walk up to the front desk, "Hello. We're checking in to the penthouse suite. For Song?"

The hotel clerk smiles sweetly, handing over your keys swiftly, "All ready for you both, Mr Song. Congratulations on your engagement."

You're spluttering a thank you with flushed cheeks as Eunseok drags you over to the elevator, "You told them?"

"I just wanted the free champagne that I assume will be up there," he grins cheekily and you roll your eyes. As if he couldn't afford it.

You are however delighted to find a small cake beside the bucket of ice cold champagne and you dig into the red velvet goodness as you watch Eunseok open up your suitcases and hang your clothes up in the master bedroom wardrobe meticulously. You're halfway into the cake when he drags his suitcases out of the room.

"Wait, where are you going?" you frown.

Eunseok snickers, "To the other bedroom? Why? Do you want me to stay with you?"

"Oh. I just didn't know there were two rooms." you say sheepishly.

Eunseok stops in his tracks, hand on his suitcase loosening, "So you went into this trip okay with the thought of sleeping with me? If so, I'll stay here with you then."

"No!" you call out, "Just- just shut up and go."

The smirk on his face is smug as he nods and continues his leave, "Alright, sweetheart, but let me know if you get nightmares and want company."

You bear the butter knife at him and he laughs melodically on his way out. You pop the champagne yourself and drown a glass down, hoping you'd be able to make it out the trip unscathed. He's running into the room with a pout after hearing the loud pop of the corkscrew, so you pour the both of you a glass and you clink them together as you chugged them back.

The days pass by similarly. You wake up and have breakfast together before embarking on a sleepy drive to a venue. You have lunch in endless terraces and gardens under the sun, basking in the heat and evaluating the venue you saw that morning. You both ooh and ahh at different venues that all look the same before you find a flaw in it that stops you from making the decision to host one of the most important days of your lives there. Some are too big, some too small, too pretentious, not pretty enough, the flowers aren't the ones you envisioned, the location too secluded or not enough. You always agree on the flaws of the venues and it's the penultimate full day when you make it to the final venue on the list.

"If I don't like this venue then I'm not marrying you," you huff in the car as it pulls up the driveway.

"Who knew wedding venues were so complicated?" Eunseok exhales in frustration, "Should we just get married in Seoul?"

You puff out your lips, "Italy was always my dream, but I was naive to the process."

Eunseok smiles and takes your hand, "I have faith in this one. At least I hope." The commitment he has to giving you your dream wedding despite it all is unwavering.

When you enter the final venue, you think that maybe it was the last on the list for a reason, since you're blown away every step you take through the grounds. The hallways to the main room is ornate and delicate at the same time, with pretty floral paintings wrapping the walls and big windows letting in the golden light. The room where your reception could be held is stunning with murals all over the walls and a dome ceiling that compliments it perfectly. It's neither too big, nor too small and there's little nooks and crannies for guests to nestle themselves in. You could see yourself in the middle, slow dancing with your head on your husband's shoulder.

"This is nice," Eunseok awes, coming up behind you with the grounds manager, "Very pretty."

You nod in agreement and ask to see the gardens, since you always wanted to get married outside in the sun. The manager gushes over the outside while she leads you out and your heart is pounding in anticipation. Eunseok probably guessed how giddy you were, because he joins you by your side and gives you a hopeful look.

"We're here. Most brides start from here and have the aisle straight down to the arch."

She throws open the double doors and you gasp in admiration at the sight in front of you. The stairs going down to the garden seen steep, but grand. You envision that your father could probably help you hobble down to the garden, where it was staged as a wedding venue. There's chairs laid out in rows, decorated in tulle and bows with an aisle adorned in flowers. At the end of the garden, there's an arch with vines wrapped around it and flowers creeping up. From where you were standing, you could see that this garden was actually on a balcony overlooking a lake that seemed to be glowing and sparkling as the slight wind caused some ripples on the surface

"I'll give you two some time to explore?" she proposes, to which Eunseok nods and wraps his hand around your wrist, tugging you down the stairs.

"First impressions?" he's looking around with blown out pupils as the two of you reach the bottom of the stairs and the beginning of the aisle.

"I like this one a lot," you shyly admit, "It's exactly what I imagined."

"I love it as well. Why don't you walk down the aisle and see how you feel. Imagine yourself on the day," he's taking off in front of you, running swiftly to the arch before you could even take a breath and get a word out.

At his antics, you let out a full-belly laugh and straighten out the ivory dress you happened to be wearing. You look down at the slip dress hitting your ankles and think it might be fate you chose to wear this specific dress on this specific day. You look up and find Eunseok suddenly frozen still at the other end, hands intertwined in front of him and his eyes trained solely on you.

When he notices that you meet his eyes, he gives you a gentle smile as he mouths to you, "Come here."

It takes you a few breaths to actually muster up the courage to follow his direction. You think that walking down a straight path shouldn't be such a big deal, but the thought that this could be the very steps you take to marry the same man at the end in less than a year's time strikes your heart.

The aisle is a soft and smooth stone, perfect for walking on in high heels. It's wide enough that a wedding dress wouldn't drag along the sides and knock over the flowers and long enough for anticipation to build as Eunseok gazes down at you from afar.

"Y/N," Eunseok calls over.

You take the first step and your breath catches in your throat. All you can look at is Eunseok now, with his shirt unbuttoned at the first three to expose some chest and his hair falling over his eyes. He keeps fidgeting with his fingers, as if he couldn't stand still and his lips are puckering and stretching as if he had much more to say.

The second step is easier than the first and the third one even more so. By the fifth step, Eunseok is chewing on his bottom lip and you're ridden with anticipation to meet him at the end.

With each step you take down the aisle, you're flashed back to all the crucial moments in your life with Song Eunseok so far.

You were sandbox best friends. You learned to walk together, and then ride bikes with each other. You learned to swim in the same swimming pool that still remained in your garden. You learned to ski and snowboard with each other in the blustery mountains of the alps. You were each other's first heartbreaks when you were teens. You took your first alcoholic drink together with your friends by the Han river, faces flushed red and hearts beating out of your chests at the prospect of getting caught. You got blackout drunk together for the first time during your first week of university. You posed together as you threw your graduation caps up in the air at the end of the three years. You chased each other around New York City, running around in blocks after he snatched your phone from your grasp when you would ignore him. You begrudgingly invited him to ride swan paddle boats with you in every lake and river around the city since he was the only person that would drop everything for you at a moment's notice. You would leave containers of home cooked food outside his doors when you noticed he was getting swamped with work, knowing he had the tendency to either order too much unhealthy takeout or stop eating altogether when busy.

With every step you take to meet Eunseok at the bottom of the aisle, you accept that Eunseok has been with you for every step of your life.

He's an arm's length away when you notice his eyes are glossier than usual. Eunseok refuses to break the stare between the two of you as you arrive in front of him, exactly where you would stand under the arch if you got married at this very space.

"Are you crying?" you whisper, afraid of your own voice.

He chortles and dabs at his eyes, "It's just the wind."

"Mhm," you hum, fighting back the smile threatening to expose your emotions, "What do you think?"

Eunseok takes a bold step towards you and closes the gap between your bodies. He's closer than you've ever had him and you can nearly feel his breath on your skin. It's making you dizzy but all you can do is keep your eyes on him.

"Eunseok," you murmur in a hushed tone.

His head is drifting closer down to yours, forehead nearly touching. If you moved your face even just by a centimetre, your noses would bump and you knew you wouldn't be able to stop yourself.

"Let's get married here," Eunseok nudges his face forwards. You have to stop yourself from pulling back even with the drumming in your chest, "You're going to look so beautiful. You do already."

"I like this place. Our parents would like it here too."

Eunseok's eyes flutter shut as he sighs and shakes his head gently, "No, let's get married here because we want to, not because our parents would like it. Let's get married because we want to."

"Eunseok," his name falls out of your mouth like it's the most sacred word you can say.

His forehead is still pressed against yours, his eyes squeezed tight and his palm comes up to make home on your cheek, "I love you. I always have."

Sincerity drips from his words and you know that this time, it's the real thing. It's the words you'd been dying to hear him say sincerely for a decade. It's the words that underlined every fight and argument you've had as adults. He finally and bravely bares his heart to you for the first time, still considerate as he always had been by giving you the choice to determine what will end up of the two of you.

There's something different about his profession of love after all you'd experienced together. Back then, when you confessed that you liked him, the world would probably say it was just some puppy love- a silly high school crush. Something that would fizzle over and dissolve when you would experience the real hardships of life and what it could throw at you. You think that a late confession carries a profound and heartfelt meaning like no other.

"Seok-"

He cuts you off before you could finish, pulling away from you and causing you to open your eyes, "I don't need an answer yet, Y/N. I just need you to know that I want to be with you. I want to be your boyfriend, your husband, your partner- whatever you want me to be. I want to make you only happy from now on, instead of angry or resentful. I want to be by your side and keep following you around the world. I want everything with you."

You've never felt more sure of anything else in the world when you bounce up on your tiptoes and capture his face between your hands, pressing your lips against his. It feels like every nerve ending in your body is on fire, but at the same time feeling relief as if this was the one thing in the world that could finally relieve you from all the anger and bitterness you had been displaying and trying to internalise for all these years. Deep down, you could never ever hate Song Eunseok, the boy who has had your heart since you were just young.

He's rigid for a split second while he processes your own confession, but he quickly regains enough composure to part his lips and deepen the kiss, moulding your lips to each other's. It's unlike anything he's ever felt before and he finally understood the real pleasure of kissing someone you really love. As he runs his tongue along your bottom lip, Eunseok knows that he could do this for the rest of his life.

"Song Eunseok, I love you too," your eyes are glistening with adoration as you pull away from his kiss, "Let's get married?"

When he finally looks you in the eye at the moment you give yourself back to him, he can't help the tears that finally break free from their barrier. He's laughing as he finally pulls you to his chest, wrapping his arms around your body in desperation of keeping you close to him. You nuzzle deeper into him and he tucks his head into your neck. His body is shaking with the laughter of relief and his heartstrings tug when he feels his shirt dampening at the exact spot where your face laid.

"You're the one I'll always choose to love," he coo's into your ear words that travel straight into your heart, "For the rest of my life, for the rest of yours."

You look down at your hand and breathe deeply as the ring glistens on your finger. The Italian sun makes it shine bright as the symbol of your love. You start thinking of what you want to engrave on the inside of the ring that you want to get him. You start thinking of the dress and suit you'll be wearing at this very spot soon enough. You're dreaming of the house you move into together and of the company you'll spearhead by each other's side. You fantasise over your future kids- the kids you hope will have his eyes and your nose. You yearn for the life you know Eunseok will give you and your heart is finally at peace, knowing it will always be him.

˗ˏˋ જ⁀➴ ˎˊ˗

[gor3-hound]

TALK TOO MUCH - WELT YANG

ft. welt yang x fem!reader

a/n: was really struggling with this and hate it - want to preface it by saying this is unfinished. it's just a first draft, but people (person) still wanted me to post it, even if i'm not gonna end up fully finishing it :/ the ending is rushed, but it technically does have an end. hope you like it regardless. title from coin song of the same name

cw: 18+ content, welt rambling, hand holding, kissing, just really fluffy smut tbh, welt is a lil subby and shy, age gap, p in v, creampie

word count: 1.4k words

You certainly were a curious thing. Welt had gotten used to those on the Astral Express treating him as their personal encyclopedia, although he hadn't quite expected you to be so adamant to get him to info dump on every little thing once you'd discovered it - not that he didn't like it. He did pride himself on his intelligence, and there were much worse ways to spend his time than having a nice conversation with someone like you, even if you're the only one that can make his heart race when you called him Mr. Yang.

He's not surprised at all when he hears a knock on his door at night. He pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose as he looks up and gazes towards the entrance of his room, spotting you slowly opening it, looking all sheepish as you slide your way into the room, shutting the door behind you.

"Ah, good evening. Isn't it a bit late for you to expect me to go on one of my tangents?" He asks, the corner of his mouth twitching up in amusement.

“Sorry, I just couldn't sleep. I thought maybe you could talk to me about something for a while? If you don't mind, of course.” You say softly, offering him a small smile as you take a step further into his room, hoping he agrees.

"Oh, you want me to start blathering, hm?" He replies, meeting your gaze and smiling in return. He pats the spot on the bed next to him, inviting you over to sit. You offer your thanks as you take a seat, leaning back against the headboard. “Well. If you're seeking a calming influence, then I suppose you've come to the right place." 

You smile at his words, tilting your head to look at him as you settle comfortably on the bed. "Your blathering just so happens to be my favorite thing to listen to.”

Welt raises an eyebrow, eyes narrowing slightly as you admit that you really do like listening to him ramble on. You always bring a feeling of warmth in his chest that he has not felt in a long while. Your company is certainly becoming one of his favorite things on the express.

"And here I thought you were just humoring me to keep me from being lonely." He says, but a smile curls the corner of his mouth regardless. "You're in luck, though. I'll chat your ear off for as long as you need me to.”

And so he does. He starts talking about any topics that come to mind, getting lost in his thoughts as he does so. He's not sure how long he's talking for, but you haven't stopped him yet, so he can only hope he isn't bothering you.

“The starskiffs of the Cloud Knights would head to planets that went out of contact to seek information, while the Xianzhou Ten-Lords Commission remains-”  Welt trails off as he feels your head loll against his shoulder, snapping him out of his thoughts. The smile hasn't left his face the entire time, but it only grows at the sight of you lying against his shoulders, eyes half-shut. His hand moves to the back of your head to keep you secure, his thumb gently moving back and forth. “I thought you couldn't sleep, dear. Are my words really so boring to you?”

You shake your head softly, peering up at him through your lashes as he speaks. Your expression is soft, lingering on his eyes for a moment before they drop down to his lips, just for a second. “You're not boring. Not at all. You just make me feel comfortable. Relaxed.” 

He nods softly, but he's barely focusing on your words. He can hardly stand being this close to you, and it was impossible to ignore the way your gaze settled on his mouth, even if only for a moment. He wanted you so, so badly.

He's about to open his mouth to say something, anything to distract him enough to stop him from doing anything stupid, until you beat him to it. “I want to kiss you. Please, can I?”

The mere thought of it sends his heart pounding so fast it hurts. He's so old, at least, far older than you. You're still so young, so full of life - how could he expect he'd ever have a chance with you?

Welt nods, his eyes closing momentarily. "Please, be gentle. It... it has been a long time." With his words spoken, he brings his lips to meet yours.

Your lips eagerly meet his once your eyes have fluttered shut, greedily taking in everything he's giving you. His lips are just as soft as you'd imagined, pressing firmly against yours. A small noise escapes him when you cup his cheek, drawing him further towards you.

He leans into the kiss, his hands squeezing you tighter. His lips are warm and gentle, his tongue peeking out gently to prod at your lips until you part them, before it carefully slides into your mouth. His free hand trails down your back to your ass, squeezing it lightly as he deepens the kiss once more, tugging you onto his lap. 

“Welt…” You murmur between kisses, brushing his bangs back with your free hand as you straddle him, pressing your body against his. Welt. Not Mr. Yang. The sound of that has him smiling into the kiss, tugging you a little closer. 

He's still smiling when you pull away from the kiss, the corner of his eyes crinkling as warmth floods his features. Your warm body pressed against his is enough to have him craving more, his heart pounding against his chest. 

“I… I want you. Please.” You breathe out, resting your forehead against his, your thumbs grazing his cheekbones. You slowly roll your hips, rubbing yourself against his clothed cock. You can't help but feel a surge of pride as it instantly fills out, causing Welt to let out an almost pained groan.

"Please, my dear..." He starts, his voice soft and tender, but hoarse with arousal. "Do be patient with me, alright? I... I do not want to disappoint you.”

“You couldn't disappoint me. God, I've wanted you for so long. Wasn't it obvious?” You breathe out, lips pressing against his jaw over and over again.  His body is now trembling in your hands, your lips sending his senses into overload. His groan deepens, and he lets out the subtlest of moans when your hips roll to grind down on his lap.

"I-I didn't know that at all..." His breathing is short and shallow now, every moment feeling like the first time you've kissed him. "Who would've known that I'd be so popular with you?”

“I'll be careful, okay?” You murmur against the skin of his neck, nipping and licking at the skin as you paw desperately at his clothes, tugging them off until you're both laid bare on his bed. His pale skin is marred with scars, his muscles slightly toned but covered by a soft layer of flesh.

You sink down slowly onto his length, taking him inch by inch. Welt lets out an involuntary gasp, his hips twitching towards you instinctively to try and drive himself further into your wet cunt. His hand reaches out to grab yours, squeezing it tightly as you begin to build a steady rhythm, bouncing up and down on his cock. Your free hand shifts to thread through his hair, yanking gently on the strands.

“I care for you, ah, very deeply, you know?” He said through gritted teeth, his breath coming out in short pants. It had been far too long, and he knew he wasn't going to be able to stave off his orgasm anymore. “I want… I want to make you feel good, too.”

He does his best to ignore the tightening of his stomach, whimpering softly as he feels the coil snap, flooding you with rope after rope of his cum. His free hand presses against your mound, his thumb hastily swiping back and forth over your clit until you're cumming, clenching around his over-sensitive cock until he's gasping your name.

It takes a moment for him to calm down, to catch his breath - but when he does, he's beaming at you, a shimmer in his eyes that he'd long lost returning. “That was perfect, my dear. You're perfect.”

[mochinomnoms]

The idea of a octotrio polycule is so cute Mochi pliz hear my rambling

Why settling for one when you can get a buy one get two for free deal?

I can't think of much ideas other than the situation that Azul does something similar to what happened in book three so now they are punished by not getting cuddles the most decent option is to actually put your foot down and keep the punishment even if your boyfriends cry out about how "working at the lounge was so exhausting! Please spare some cuddles for these three poor fishies!!" and even if some of your friends call you out (Jack for Jade, Ace for Floyd +Jamil, Azul for literally anyone?) because they are causing trouble:

Jade keeps following around Jack to ask him questions about beastfolks (I think this happened in the playful land event Jade wanted to make Jack wear silly clothes) he is willing to drag anyone you know into hearing his fully dramatized history of your harsh punishment and it comes with the incredible acting skills of Jade Leech!!

Floyd isn't even trying to even walk to every other activity he does it looks like he does it against his own will (on classes, on club activities) and that's why Ace told you about the latest club practice where Floyd just stayed face first on the gymnasium floor? Please prefect Jamil is about to invent new seafood dishes from how much annoyed he is with this "squiggly, slimy bastard eel"

Speaking of slimy eels... Epel called you because he discovered the whole reason why Vil has been more snappy than usual is Azul not being able to provide his moisturizer because "My workers and myself are in a heavy emotional break, I am afraid that we will be canceling production until stated otherwise.." he genuinely made a little domino line that ends connecting to you and your personal friends?

Of course that's the more decent option of you still going along with the punishment I am saying decent because the other option is to give up and get teased by the tweels and getting your time and affection fully capitalized by your octo darling

After the punishment is over (if you actually have decency and choose the first option) surprisingly when the three immediately drag you to the usual cuddle session everything is planned to fit each of your likings the series you three been watching/a movie playing in the tv, tasty snacks and a thing similar to a pillow fort/a nest? Filled with soft blankets and couches for the best of the best cuddle sections and after this everything will go back to its regular flow!!

(i want to force my brain to have more ideas for this dynamic but I haven't come up with anything else)

BUY ONE GET TWO FREE ASKJDKLAJSFKJGLGJ

They are a delightful package deal, tbh. But they guilt you for your affections so often, it's a miracle that you haven't wrung their necks yet.

They indeed make it everyone else's problem when you decide to ban them from any form of affection other than quick cheek kisses and handholding. But it's 10 times worse when only one or two of them are banned, but the others aren't.

Floyd gets in trouble with you a lot because he tends to bite into you a bit harder than he should, leaving deep marks. It's not the marking itself that's the issue, you'll admit, but it's the fact that he'll leave them in visible areas like your forearms, neck, collar, and even your ankles. All spots that others will see and ask, “Wtf, you good bro??” Sometimes he'll do the same to Azul, who will do the same and ban Floyd from touching him in any form. It wouldn't be as bad if Jade didn't rub it in his face, coming up to hug you from behind, leaning in close to brush his lips against Azul's ear to whisper something, all things that Floyd can't do! It leaves Floyd incredibly annoyed, sometimes angry, and every so often devastated that he can't hold his mates. If the latter occurs, he's coming after you. A weak thing to his tears, Azul has had years to build up resilience and hold firm, but you are weak to a whiny, teary-eyed Floyd who is begging for a kiss and cuddle. It's not faaaaair, Jade's been rubbing it in his face all day, and he loves you both so much, but Azul's not budging and if he can't even hold his shrimp, he doesn't even know what he'll dooooooooo! The day ends with Floyd and you in bed, his arms tightly wrapped around your middle and legs tangled in yours as he blissfully naps. Azul's annoyed that you caved in, but Jade's amused and tries to push Azul into joining the cuddle pile with him.

Now, if Jade's the one that being iced out for something, he'll actually return the favor tenfold. He's just an innocent little guy, what do you mean he can't just secretly feed you two an aphrodisiac mushroom? You had lots of fun afterward, even Floyd agrees (he does, but his firm moral stance on mushrooms doesn't). But Azul's pissed that he was used as a test subject again, and you had to call Ace and Deuce to watch Grim as an emergency. Again. So when you both ban him to only quick smooches and side hugs, Jade returns the energy. He's refusing any form of affection, and not giving them to you. Unlike Floyd, who's begging harassing you for cuddles, he's going to make you two come beg for him. After a few days of no Jade, you're both missing him, it's surprisingly Azul who reaches out first when Jade comes to deliver some paperwork for the dorm. The octomer had leaned in to give him a kiss, when Jade stepped away with a sly smile and told him, “Oh, but I thought you weren't giving me your affections? Let's not go back on our word now, Azul.” Jade is a tad bit nicer to you—taking after Floyd—to guilt you into loving on him again. But Azul? He's gonna make him suffer, simply because he enjoys making him squirm. It's honestly a sight to see, as neither are willing to back down. At least until the two of them fall asleep in Azul's office after working a late night, curled into each other's sides on the couch.

Azul probably has it the worst, as he has both twins teasing him. Floyd and Jade are flaunting you around him, being extra handsy. They're cooing at him, whining about how they can't cuddle both of you at the same time since he was dumb enough to piss you off. How could he do this to them? Such a mean, mean Azul! By far, though, you're the weakest to Azul's charms and silver tongue when compared to the twins. Maybe it's due to the knowledge of Azul's childhood, or maybe it's just because he's extra cute, but you can't find yourself away from him for more than a day. He sniffles, murmurs something about missing your embrace, and you're rushing into his arms, kissing away his tears. The twins get incredibly annoyed that you're so quick to let Azul back into your arms, while they have to wait at least a week sometimes. But then you're both reaching out arms and cooing at them to come to bed, batting your eyes, and all complaints are out the window.

I love them they make for a wonderful polycule. After all, they're a package deal, no matter how much they might say they're not.

[lampthehealthminister]

The sun's light reaches even the darkest depths

Synopsis : Aventurine has a vicious snake in his head, but your voice always chases it away.

Warnings : Spoilers for Aventurine's backstory! It's just references, but maybe some people haven't played the quest yet, you never know lol ; Also intrusive thoughts?? Perhaps?? I'm not sure tbh

Genre : Hurt/Comfort??? Sorta??? ; x reader fic

Word count : 1.2k yoohoo

Notes : I haven't written a fic in more than a year... Forgive me if I'm rusty, but I just love this man so much ugh. Might make a part two from reader's pov this time because I've got lots of ideas!! Do give me advice if you think I should improve some stuff!! You can also request something if you like my writing <3

Even when he steps foot in the comfort of his home, the knot settled in his throat does not go away. Worse, when he inhales the smell of spices, it chokes him even more. (He wonders if you thought about him when cooking, and the idea of him lingering on your mind for longer than he should makes him want to cry.) He removes his coat, trying his best to think about something else as he hears your footsteps approaching. (Are you finally going to yell at him and push him away today?)

“Welcome back, ‘rine.”

Luckily, you greet him when he’s still removing his shoes, giving him enough time to build his composure back up. (How could he face you otherwise?) When he stands back up and meets your eyes, he is once again reminded of exactly why he is so drawn to you. (He knows it’s wrong, but he is helpless against it. Like a moth attracted to a flame, he can’t help but want to stay in your light for a little longer still.)

“It’s good to be back home.” (“I missed you.” he wants to say, but he can’t afford getting too attached to you, just like it’s not good for you to get too close to him.)

He wants to take a step forward, wants to fall into your arms and hide away from everyone and everything else ; but his feet are glued in place, and the weight in his chest is heavier than ever. His throat feels dry, his palms are sweaty, and for a split second he worries that you’ll start asking questions, that you’ll worry, that you’ll take his face in your hands and envelop him in your embrace, wrap him in a soft cocoon of gentleness and care and everything else that he doesn’t deserve. (Has the air always been so suffocating?)

He jumps as the sound of an alarm resonates through the air. He watches you scurry off to the kitchen and exhales a sigh of relief. (Did you notice how he almost lost himself just now? Did you see him bare, his soul completely exposed as his own body failed to obey him? Or did he successfully manage to trick you once more, just as he does with everyone else? He doesn’t know what he prefers.) He steps forward, inhaling once more. The scent of a foreign spice tickles his senses, and the name of it sits on the tip of his tongue, present but not fully here, an image and a distant memory.

It’s only at dinner, when he takes a bite of the food you’ve made, (The voice in the back of his head tells him he doesn’t deserve it, but he would hate to see you upset.) that he recognises it, the name shining bright like a lightbulb in his mind, a single piece of thread that he’s managed to get a hold of. He opens his mouth to tell you, but the silence in the room shuts him up. No words fill up the space, and he finds the quiet unsettling, cold, a shiver running down his spine at the thought. But most of all, he is worried about you. Why aren’t you saying anything? You usually tell him all about your day, about the things you’ve seen, about the plans you’ve made with other people, so why is today different? (Can you no longer bear to entertain him now that you’ve seen how ugly he is on the inside? Have you had enough of his theatrics, of his games, of him? He tells himself that he won’t stop you if you leave, but he knows he will always wake up in the morning thinking you’re still by his side.)

He finally dares looking up at you, worried that he’ll find your seat empty. Maybe you were never there to begin with, maybe you’ve already left long ago? Maybe he’s grown so attached to your love that he imagines you greeting him every day, feeding him every day, holding him every day. Maybe the house is so cold because you’re simply no longer there, because he can’t bask in your light anymore. (It’s just what he deserves, so he shouldn’t complain. He’s always been too selfish with you, after all. Always about taking, never about giving, because he can’t afford to show all of his cards, even with you.)

“What are you thinking about, ‘rine?”

Your voice snaps him out of his daze. The first thing that invades his mind is the fact that you’re here. He suddenly feels warm all over, like his heart is being cradled by gentle arms, like his soul is being taken care of by a kind gaze. (Did Kakavasha feel like that, too? Was it when his sister held his hand, when his mother kissed him on the forehead for the first time?) This time, he can’t prevent his real thoughts from tumbling out of his lips.

“You.”

The expression that graces your face rivals even the Mother Goddess’ blessings, he thinks. As if his word was a prayer, you light up even more than before, gently coating him in your warmth. (How did he even manage to find someone like you?) You smile at him so openly, so genuinely, like you’re not afraid to show him what you feel ; and every time, he falls for it, for you, even harder than he should. You reach for his left hand, and he hopes you don’t feel how his pulse is fluttering under his skin, how his heart is racing just by being in your presence. He loves you. Even if it’s dangerous, even if you leave him, even if he hurts you. Right now, he loves you, and it’s as sickening as it’s sweet, sticking to his lungs like golden honey. 

That night, he watches as the moon traces a serpentine path of light on your skin. You’re talking to him, keeping him company as he ties all the strings of sleep together slowly. You still hold his hand in yours, and despite having long since removed his gloves, he can’t get enough of your touch. Even now, you look at him in that special way, with that gaze only reserved for him, and yet he doesn’t recognise the emotion that lingers in it. He doesn’t have time to think too much about it either, because exhaustion is dragging him down. Like an anchor, it pulls at his feet, forces him down in the dark even if he hates it. He squeezes your hand tighter, a desperate attempt to stay afloat, but he’s already too far gone in the depths, your image only a distorted reflection above the water. If he doesn’t come back from there, he’ll at least imprint all of the details of your face in his mind one last time.

Even while he sleeps, you don’t let him go. You hold him close, look at the way his features relax. You gaze at him with an adoration he never notices, doesn’t want to see. Words scratch at his walls, make him feel vulnerable, tear him apart from the inside out, so you never use them. You only hold his hand and lead him somewhere else, so that even if he is lost, he doesn’t have to look far to find his way home again.

[lethalchiralium]

a domestic happiness ask because the amount of times i’ve read missus dying is offensive !!

completely domestic it hurts tbh

it’s the morning, simon just arrived back home the night before and the babies don’t know

missus and simon have some fluff in the kitchen - making tea, listening heart 70s radio (some swaying to the radio?🙏🏻), reading books in comfortable silence, best banter known to man

maybe winnie comes down and sees simon but has to be quiet to not wake her siblings😭 and then the 3 go and wake up mellie & baby together

just cuteness overload

#happinessislifefr

ugh this makes me so happy

happiness au! (again not decided on the sex of the baby yet)

The cigarette on his lips felt heavy as he sat on the front porch of his home. Knowing you were inside, asleep in your large bed, it made Ghost feel comforted. The family he’s protecting is quiet, eyes fluttering as they sleep and are oblivious to his return - yet he hasn’t stepped through the front door.

One last cigarette and he could go inside, peel off the mask and hold you until his little hellions woke up.

He stubbed the filter into the concrete before picking it up, shoving it in his pocket to throw away later and taking out the singular silver house key beside the keys to his truck. He opened his front door, noting the house was quiet - yet he still heard footsteps in the kitchen. He toed off his boots, closing the door and locking it behind him before he pulled off his coat, then shoved it into the closet so you didn’t smell the cigarette smoke on it.

He could hear something being poured, shuffling around in the kitchen - he knew the sound of your footsteps well enough to know it was you.

You knew the sound of his coat and the heaviness of his footsteps, so you weren’t scared out of your skin when your husband kissed your cheek - your cold hands pouring hot tea into his favorite cup. You didn’t mean to wake up this early, Nathan having kept you up a few hours longer than you intended. You placed the pot down, turning your head to look up at your husband - only to be met by the porcelain colored skull plate.

“Bad?” You whispered, the first word you had spoken that morning. It wasn’t often that he came in with the mask, Simon never liked you interacting with his protective shell, Ghost.

He didn’t move his head, his body stayed still yet his eyes flickered down. You frowned, your hand coming to settle on where his cheekbone was - your palm touching the dirt dusted plastic of his mask. You didn’t need to ask him what happened, he wouldn’t utter a word. You may have not been married for more than two years but that doesn’t excuse the way you knew him. Like he was sculpted from the same block of clay, the way soulmates are always intertwined.

Your fingernails tapped against the plastic, his cold brown eyes flickered to meet yours. You turned fully, the thin t-shirt you wore pressed against his taut stomach and rough belt. His large hand settled on your hip, gloved fingertips begging to feel your warm skin as he felt as cold as ice.

“The boy?”

“Givin’ me Hell in Riley fashion.”

He hummed a little chuckle, his free hand coming to rest right on your chest - right above your heart. His index and middle fingers pressed a little into your skin, trying to feel your heart through his glove.

“He’ll be happy to see you.”

“He’s only six weeks old.”

“He knows who his dad is.”

Simon wasn’t prepared for a son before, but now that he had held Nathan, he knew that he was more than ready. How did he know? Because as soon as he looked in the face of a little Simon Riley, he only felt love. He didn’t feel the despair he thought he would.

“The girls have missed you so much.”

“It’s been two weeks.”

“A long time for them to go without you, honey.” You watched his eyes as they memorized your face, a sleepy smirk tugged at your lips. “Mellie’s been trying to draw you pictures, she’s playing more and more.”

“That’s good.”

“She’s not trying to hide Winnie as often. Or me. Or Missy.”

“She’s too little to be having problems.”

You knew the look in his eye was clear self-deprecation - he thought his daughter having anxiety was exclusively his fault. “Honey.” Your fingertips grazed across the bottom of his mask, the hand on your chest moved to yours as a warning. You understood, keeping your hands on his chest with your nails scratching the old balaclava. “I know you think it’s your fault, but it isn’t. I’ve talked with the doctor, her herding and hiding her family makes her feel safe.”

“She doesn’t feel safe because I’m not here.”

“Simon-“

There was a creak from the staircase, Ghost’s head whipped up to gaze at the doorway - you looked too, only to see your seven year old as she creeped into the kitchen. Her eyes lit up as she saw her father, her arms instantly out as tears burst from her eyes. He let go of you instantly, striding over to scoop his daughter into his arms.

He desperately needed to smell that lavender shampoo you always used, needed to feel her curls against his face - his body was too hot, his face felt like it was on fire and he needed his mask off. All he could smell was the ichor of the battlefield, all he could taste was the metal in his blood.

“Mum was gonna help me get my mask off. Can you help me?”

The girl in orange pajamas nodded a little, a yawn came from her lips as her little hands ungraciously grabbed the top of his mask - including some hair underneath - and pulled. Without a wince, Simon let his oldest child tear off his mask, revealing the black paint around his deep brown eyes. His Winter Grace smiled, hands settled on his cheeks as she whispered, “Good morning, Daddy.”

Your hand settled on his lower back, he didn’t flinch like he would have with his skull plate over his face - his breathing slowed as he pressed his lips to Winnie’s curly hair. “Hello, my little love.”

Your hand gently squeezed your daughter’s foot, she slightly squealed as you whispered, “What are you doing up, baby?”

“Didn’t sleep good.”

“Didn’t sleep good?” Simon’s voice became as light as a feather, his hand cradling her head as he whispered, “I’m sorry. Do you want Mummy to tuck you back in?”

She shook her head, her warm hands tapping a little melody into his skin. “No. Wanna go to bed with you and Mummy.”

You gently shook her leg, your head resting on Simon’s shoulder. “Don’t forget that baby Nathan’s in Mommy’s room, you have to be extra quiet.”

She nodded before she wrapped her arms around Simon’s neck, her round face gazing at you with a smile before she whispered, “Daddy’s home.”

“I know, my love.” You whispered back, seeing Simon’s smile grow in your peripheral vision. “Do you think Melsie and Nate are gonna be happy too?” She nodded vigorously, you gently laughed before you kissed her nose. You looked up to your husband, your smile wide. “Let’s go.”

Simon’s mug of tea grew cold as you spent the early hours of the morning cuddling your children beside your husband.

Copyright © 2023 lethalchiralium. All rights reserved.

[blahblahblees]

yes, it's me again, boo.

I've decided to be your first request

(be prepared 👹/j)

basically, I was thinking this, as far as requests go:

ricky bowen x a fem! reader.

basically, the reader has been stressing out a bunch about whatever you'd be okay with them stressing about. stress and anxiety play a big part in appetite and all. so, when ricky notices that she hasn't been eating much lately cause of her stress, he basically does like a surprise dinner or restaurant date and basically kinda help her get rid of her stress and all, maybe by going out to the park or skating? I'm fine with anything, tbh.

Thanks! :))

ヽ｀、☁ヽ｀─── high school sweethearts ミ ricky bowen

✎ ·˚ ༘ ─── the stress of finals has been something that’s weighted heavy on your mind and body and your boyfriend has taken notice of that

wc: 1,019

ricky bowen x fem!reader (use of she/her and use of feminine terms)

tw: not eating properly, kissing (?)

SHE THOUGHT that finals would be easy for her and yet, here she sat with piles and piles of study notes and textbooks for the one final that was worth at least 50% of her final grade.

The final wouldn’t be for another week or two (at least she hoped it was for another week or two), but this grade meant life or death to her. This grade weighed on her heavily and could determine the college she could attend.

Would it be ivy leagues? Would it be a college that held a high regard for their students? Or would be a community college that would lead to a university?

All of that weighed heavy in her mind.

So much so that she’d found herself only snacking on Nature Valley bars, a cup of Lucky Charms, or the day old coffee that she kept in her room.

She’d been so focused on getting the best grade possible that she would eat, sleep, and breath Economics and Personal Finance rather than a meal that she could actually get full off of.

But that didn’t bother her at the moment, but it did bother her boyfriend, Ricky Bowen.

He himself, didn’t quite understand the topic as he wasn’t too fond of school itself, it could visibly been seen in his actions, the eye rolls, and the 1.4 GPA he currently had.

But he did see how much getting into a good school matter to her. It could help her find the career path she wanted. Getting into her top college could mean the absolute world to her and he’d supported her in the best ways he could.

But he would always catch her studying, scribbling down the same notes over and over again and eat the same two snacks repeatedly… especially gagging at the fact that she willingly sipped on two day old coffee just to “feel something”.

That wasn’t going to fly with him anymore. So, one night, he knocked softly on her window.

She turned around slowly and pushed her headphones off to stand up and open up the window to him.

Ricky smiled as she opened up the window, leaning in before the window had fully been opened and placed a gentle kiss onto her lips.

“What are you doing here?” She asked.

“I wanted to know if I could take you out tonight.”

She sighed, looking back at her table before looking back over at her boyfriend.

“Ricky, I’m really sorry, but I’ve got to study for-“

“It will only be for an hour.” Ricky softly smiled. “Just an hour of your time. It’s not gonna kill you is it?”

She sighed. “An hour.”

“Just an hour.”

She reluctantly ran her fingers through her hair as she turned and grabbed her jacket off of the back of her chair and spilling on a pair of shoes.

Ricky gently grabbed her hand as she followed him out of the window and onto the ground.

Once on their feet, Ricky made his way towards his orange beetle and held the door open for her, once she settled inside, Ricky rushed towards the drivers side and quickly sped off before she could change her mind.

“THE PARK?” She questioned. “You wanted to come to the park?”

Ricky turned in his seat, reaching in backseat to grab, what appeared to be a giant bag and his skateboard.

“Yes,” Ricky smiled. “I love the park and I love you and I wanted to take you to a place that I love.” He spoke. “Now, come on. It’s time to eat.”

She furrowed her brows and stepped out of the car as Ricky waited for her at the front of the car.

Ricky grabbed her hand and led the two of them towards the bench and sat the bag and his skateboard down and unzipped it, pulling out sandwiches, chips, sodas, and other small snacks out.

He sat his phone down, opening Spotify, and allowing music to play from a playlist he’d made for them.

Ricky then opened the sandwich bag, holding it out for her to grab. “Turkey and cheese, for you.”

She smiled, grabbing the sandwich from his hands and fully pulling the bag off as she took a big bite from it.

It was something so small, but a smile was place on her face as she let the taste of turkey and cheese dance across her tongue.

“God, this is good.” She moaned.

“It’s just turkey and cheese.” Ricky chuckled. “Nothing crazy.”

“I know,” she smiled, taking another huge bite of the sandwich. “I know, but I can’t tell you the last time I had a sandwich.”

Ricky didn’t want to mention it. He saw what she was doing and it was enough to take action into his own hands. And though it can backfire at times… if not all the time, he knew that this time, he’d done the right thing.

After scarfing down two or three more sandwiches, Ricky stood to his feet, kicking his skateboard up and reaching his hand out.

“Come on.” He smiled. “Let’s skate.”

She smiled once more, grabbing Ricky’s hand as she followed behind him as he led them to the street.

He placed the skateboard down and helped steady her on his skateboard. He placed his hands gently onto her waist as he stepped one foot on the skateboard and using his other foot to push the two of them down the street.

And that’s all they did and it was nice, in fact, it was all they did for the majority of the night.

They didn’t stay out for an hour as planned and that was fine by her.

By the way, she passed her final.

Maybe she just needed a break.

A plan Ricky Bowen could always come up with.

— lucy has something to say !!

thank you for requesting i appreciate it so so much !! i missed writing for ricky bowen. god i love that white boy 😋

my request are opened! you can check out who i write for here :) !!!!

[dancedance-resolution]

opinions welcome, though this is mostly for me to talk out my feelings since my friend is overseas and can’t call. warning, ns fw

so i’m seeing this person A. we haven’t fucked yet (but will be able to starting monday when their kid brother they live w goes back to school) but the sexting has been incredible, it honestly feels like they were lab made to match all of my desires kink-wise. this is my first time seeing someone who matches my sexual wants so perfectly like that.

today they told me they have realized that they are only interested in me + sex w me if this is something romantic/committed. our interactions and their feelings during/after sexting have sort of confirmed they are demi. some text excerpts:

ddr: so does that mean you want to have this turn into something romantic/committed? slash need that to fully be able to engage with it?

A: definitely the last bit

then a bit later:

A: and if you do want to step back, i think now would be the time because i’m not to the point where i’m so attached that it would really hurt

so now i’m wondering. 1. am i capable of engaging in a romantic relationship with them? and 2. do i want to?

i want to address question 2 first.

pros:

match sexually

autistic

medium:

we don’t have a ton in common but also i never have a ton in common w ppl i date? or even my friends, my closest friends we usually only have 1 thing in common that forms the base of our relationship….the things we have in common is autism, dyke, very similar living/career/school situations. we don’t have any fixations/interests in common, but i don’t with quite a few of my friends tbh bc they’re always changing for all of us.

they’re attractive. in medium not pro bc i didn’t have the same “oh i need to fuck them immediately” level of attraction like i did w jill, but yeah

cons:

still undecided if i enjoy spending time w them in person. they are less than a year younger than me, but this is my first time in a relationship where i feel like the other person is noticeably younger than me. usually im the “young” one in the relationship since i live w my parents, work only part time but am not in school full time, and have the energy of a younger person generally. and i don’t know how i feel about that.

if i keep things going w them, i risk hurting them like i hurt sam, and i don’t want to do that esp since i know what they need and id be choosing to keep things going w them even though im not sure i can be what they need

okay now question 1. am i capable.

honestly i haven’t had a romantic relationship since jill. everything felt so perfect w her, the sex was incredible, i loved her personality, she was kind, i loved her family, i felt like i fit in her life perfectly, and i saw a future w her. am i mentally holding back bc im waiting to achieve jill levels of perfection before allowing myself to enter another romantic situation? and if so, does that mean im still caught up on her over a year later or does it mean im holding an unrealistic standard in my brain that i wont feel love unless it looks + progresses exactly the same as it did w her?

wait new question 3. do i want a romantic relationship at all? like not even specific to them

my immediate reaction is yes, but not yet. in some distant future i want to settle down and have a wife, but i feel so young to be doing that yet. why waste my 20s on something committed when i can instead spend that time exploring and learning what i want? like with A, i’ve learned that i enjoy certain kink elements beyond just internal fantasy. what else is there out there for me to learn that i would miss if i dated for commitment rn?

here’s what i know:

i like sex

i want to have it

i want to have different experiences with it, discover new things

i know what i like, but i also feel like there is so much more for me to learn and so much more possibility -> and i don’t know if i can limit all of that learning and exploration to just one other person

hmm question 4. what about polyamory?

if A is cool w me not being sexually monogamous while in a romantic relationship w them, would that make dating them more feasible?

well am i capable of non monogamy. i only have so much time in my current life situation, and meeting new ppl, esp new poly ppl, takes time and effort. i see myself never actually pursuing others, getting bored w A like i did with sam, and then breaking up w them and leaving them hurt.

maybe i should talk to my coworker taylor about this. she said i was ruthless (but in a complimentary way she said) when i told her i broke up w sam bc i was bored.

hmm sub question. will i get bored with A.

i certainly do not see myself w them romantically long term, as in wife material. this goes back to being unsure if i enjoy spending time w them in person, but i don’t see us as compatible enough to be fucking wife material. i don’t want to enter a relationship with a pre set expiration date on it right, but wait fuck actually

what if we entered this with an expiration date. like what if i proposed to them that we trial run a romantic relationship with an expiration date of ,say, midterms or the election. at the end i will say whether i have discovered myself capable of a romantic rs w them. however this also runs the risk of hurting them since that’s more time for them to bond w me, and also a lot of time for them to be mentally unsure if im meeting their level of romantic commitment yk?

okay but here’s the bottom line. i am only even considering a romantic rs w them bc i am interested in sex w them. so in a sense i would be disrespecting the boundary they set and just using them for sex. like is that an accurate picture of what’s going on here?

lol the obv answer is just end things w them. choosing to continue would be selfish, though one could argue if i commit to fully fully TRYING to be romantically committed to them during the trial run (and ofc am transparent w them about it) then it is not selfish bc im not using them for sex while disregarding their desire, i’m using them for sex while also trying my best to meet the boundary they set that they need it to be romantic?

hmm okay so these are my thoughts for now. opinions welcome, esp if you think i’m being an asshole here PLEASE tell me if i am bc i fear i am. i have not been on the other side of this type of situation before.

i will probably reblog w some more thoughts later.

[narenohate]

SELF PROMO FOR MY FIC,,,

https://archiveofourown.org/works/57261865 it's meant to be read kind of as an original story? tbh it's like- i tried to do this w/ ocs but full creative liberty means i went very off the rails. anyways, this is a dark-fantasy adjacent about a girl-turned-demon trying her best to keep her ever-growing pile of lies from collapsing on top of her, while racing against time itself to save a friend that no longer remembers her.

it's worldbuilding-heavy and features…. a lot of nods to an early 2000's brazilian orkut unreality project turned cult conspiracy.

Luz Noceda wakes up, on what she knows is her last day in the human realm, with memories of the year that is both yet to come and has already passed. Before she can grieve, but as regret for the path she took already settles in, she decides to go about things differently. As she finds herself slowed down in her tirade by a curse that bends and warps her body into something unholy and unrecognizable, Luz soon figures out she is not the only one who remembers her mistakes as the Golden Guard - and if she wants to save anyone at all, she might have to let go of what little remains of herself. Meanwhile, in the palace, the emperor goes insane: mad with pain and beyond recognition in shape and actions, he is locked away, usurped within his own home. His insanity has a clear reason: the titan's heart has stopped beating.

i wanna infodump about it very very badly but also... ive gotta finish my work to finish the cover for this to finish that piece with amity and luz smooching and oh maybe wORK ON THE FUCKING EDITING FOR THIS (the 1st of its main "arcs" is almost fully drafted - from the moment eda finds herself in charge of protecting a witchling with a thousand enemies, to the unfortunate consequences of luz's self-destructive spiral upon finding that the face in the mirror is not her own)

[bella-rose29]

Not Your Lover - Chapter 6 (18+ version)

This is the 18+ version of Chapter 6.

For the safer version (whether that be because you're under 18 or just don't want to read it), please go here <3 (I tried my best to make it less explicit, so please please please let me know if I need to edit anymore because I wanna make sure that everybody can enjoy reading)

Word count: 4.2k

Warnings: swearing, sex, like really explicit oral I won't lie to you, look away if you're not comfy with that (I'm sorry), davor is still stalking bc he has no life or personality

Tag list: idk who to tag tbh so I've tagged everyone in the safer part and linked this version to it :)

Y/n and Nikolai had settled into a routine within the first two days of staying in the same room, and he was starting to blur the lines in his head of what was real and what was fake.

It was dangerous, walking this line, especially since one wrong move could ruin everything that the two of them had built, but Nikolai knew that he was extremely close to throwing himself fully past reality. They had kept the pillow wall the first night, but when they had woken in roughly the same position as they had the first time that they shared a bed it made sense to forgo the divider completely. Neither of them appeared to be acknowledging it while asleep, and it saved some effort in the evening when they were getting ready for bed.

Work on the building had continued in much the same way as before, although Nikolai noticed that there was a little more tension in the air than usual. None of this was helped by the fact that he couldn't let his demon out at night anymore, and had resorted to staying late at the mansion after Y/n had headed back to the hotel room so that it stopped giving him a headache. Davor was still watching the two of them, following Nikolai around when he tried to go on a late night walk to take his demon fishing, and it was starting to get annoying. He had half a mind to confront the man, but somehow whenever Nikolai actually wanted to see Davor, he wasn't anywhere to be found. Y/n had mentioned that he was doing the same to her, but she didn't seem nearly as bothered about it.

Currently they were working on the floorboards of the first room, having pulled up the old ones and throwing them out, and Nikolai couldn't help but stare at Y/n every now and then as she worked. His demon snickered at him in his head, and Nikolai muttered a quiet "shut up" under his breath.

"Sorry? Did you say something?"

"Huh? No, nothing."

"Oh. Never mind."

They worked in silence again after that, the only sounds being the new floorboards being put down.

By the time sunset came around a few hours later, they'd managed to lay the whole floor, and Nikolai had replaced the windows, letting in the evening sun. He wiped his brow, wishing more than anything that he could take off some layers (but that would mean showing his scars for longer than a few seconds, and he didn't feel like having that conversation with Y/n yet. She'd probably also stab him or something).

"You alright? You look pretty sweaty."

"Yeah, I'm alright. Hopefully this heatwave brings in tourists," he replied, turning to look at her. That was a mistake, apparently, since he couldn't do anything but think about how gorgeous she looked in the golden light streaming in and lighting up her skin, making her look ethereal.

He was so screwed, and he knew that there wasn't any coming back now. He'd very nearly kissed her the other night, when she'd come in crying about her mother and he'd wiped away her tears, but the demon just had to pick that moment to make a noise. Nikolai had scolded it the whole way back to the hotel, and it had the good grace to at least seem sorry for getting in the way.

It had been a little awkward since, neither of them saying anything about the fact that they had very nearly kissed purely because they felt like it, and the tension was starting to kill Nikolai. They kept waking up tangled in each other too, and although he knew he shouldn't, he held on to her a little longer in the mornings, and his touch lingered a moment more when he passed her things. Whether she'd noticed, he had no idea, but at least she hadn't told him to stop being weird yet.

~~~

Nik was being weird.

He kept staring at Y/n, for one, and every now and then he would hold on to her for longer than fake boyfriends probably should. He was staring now, in fact, although why she had no idea. She was covered in dirt and sweat from working all day, both in the bakery and in the mansion, and she definitely needed a bath. Maybe he was staring at her because of that? Yeah, that made more sense. Although when she looked at him (not that she was sneaking glances or anything), she couldn't deny how gorgeous he looked in the light, the sunset making his golden hair glow.

He kept talking to himself too, and Y/n was starting to worry that he was going mad. She'd talked to Gregor about it that morning, and apparently Nik was doing it while he worked in the workshop. Gregor also looked like he knew something else, but despite Y/n's best efforts she couldn't get it out of him. The man was notoriously good at keeping secrets, but if it was about Nik then she wanted to know.

"I'm sure he'll tell you in his own time, Y/n/n," was all he had said, and Y/n had huffed and left not long after.

She snapped herself out of her thoughts, blush rising when she realised that she'd zoned out looking at him, and turned back to the wall that she was painting. They'd done good work today; Nik had managed to get the new windows in with the help of her father, and the three of them had finished off the floor. Y/n had picked out the paint a while ago, and had made a start on covering the walls.

"You know," she started, and out of the corner of her eye she saw Nik turn to face her. "I think we can do this. How long have we got left now, eight days?"

"Yeah, I think so. There's still the two other rooms to do though. I know they're both clear but it's going to be a stretch to get them done on top of this one. It's taken us this long to get this room nearly ready."

"What happened to mister 'we can do it!', huh? I've got a plan, don't worry."

"Is your plan hiring the entirety of Taya? Because I might be an optimist but this is bordering on impossible."

"I thought that nothing was impossible, only improbable," she quipped, mocking his voice.

"Was that... was that meant to be me?"

"I thought it was an excellent impression. Did you have a problem with it? I mean, personally I thought there were two of you for a moment."

Nik laughed, shaking his head. "You're ridiculous," he said, looking at her fondly. Y/n smiled lightly back at him, and they got lost in each others' gazes. Nik suddenly snapped out of it, whipping his head back to the curtain pole he was adjusting. Y/n moved her own attention back to the wall, feeling her face heat up.

Shit.

~~~

An hour or so later, the sun had fully set, and Nikolai had had to turn the chandelier on in the room so that he and Y/n could continue to work. The demon had, for once, helped Nikolai out, since its laughing at Nikolai and Y/n gazing at each other made him realise what he was doing. He'd quickly gone back to what he was doing, and a moment later he heard the brush of the paint on the wall.

Now they were in separate rooms, and Nikolai had looked to check that the demon wouldn't be seen before letting it out.

"No noise, alright? The second you make a noise you're back in, understood?" The demon had nodded and padded off into a corner of the room, starting to use its tail as a brush, collecting the remaining rubbish on the floor. Nikolai felt proud of it once more, seeing it trying to help, and hoped that it had learned something valuable from working hard. Saints, he sounded like the demon's teacher. Nikolai frowned, shuffling furniture around the room. He supposed he was in a way, teaching it how to be nicer. Maybe he'd be able to let it out more if he knew it would behave. He was glad for the distraction of the demon, since it stopped him from thinking too hard about Y/n, and having to keep half an eye on the little bastard was rather entertaining at times. It was a little like having a child, except the child was quite literally a demonic entity of darkness and destruction that enjoyed ripping people's faces off and generally making their lives complete and utter misery. Nikolai suddenly wondered if that was how Baghra had felt about the Darkling, and shuddered at the thought of baby Aleksander. The demon noticed, growling lowly at its creator, and Nikolai called it over softly, careful not to alert Y/n.

"Come here, that's it, there we go," he whispered, settling on the floor as his demon came and rested its head on his lap. It was strange, doing this, but he could sense that his demon was disturbed by Nikolai's thoughts of the Darkling. While the man had been responsible for the separation between Nikolai and his demon, the latter now shared the resentment that Nikolai harboured. No doubt it was remembering the battle with Fjerda too, and the multiple brushes with death. Since then they had only become closer, reaching an agreement that they would die for each other if needed.

"Nik? You alright in there?" Both Nikolai and his demon turned to look at the doorway where Y/n's voice had come from, and they glanced at each other before the demon crept off into the shadows.

"Yep, I'm alright." He pushed himself off of the floor just as Y/n walked in, paint on her trousers.

"I think I'm gonna head out now, I've done what I can on the walls. You coming?"

"Yeah, sure. Let me just grab my things," he smiled, and she returned it, heading back into the front room. He took the demon back in, telling it to stop fussing and hurry up, and followed her out, collecting his jacket from where he'd slung it over one of the armchairs.

~~~

They made it back to the hotel no problem, although Y/n could have sworn that she saw Davor following them when they went round a corner, and when they were up in Nik's room he pulled out a bottle of kvas and two glasses.

"Drink?"

"Sure."

Davor following them wasn't too disturbing for Y/n, given he was a deeply untrusting person and was probably trying to expose Nik and Y/n's relationship for what it was, but Nik seem more concerned. He brought it up as he poured, passing one glass to Y/n and taking his own over to the sofa in front of the fireplace. Despite the heatwave, the hotel room was somehow freezing (Y/n had no idea how the owners managed it), so they'd lit a fire.

"You really aren't worried about him stalking us?"

"No, not really. Why are you so worked up about it?"

"Um... because it's stalking? It's quite literally illegal. Also, what happens if he finds out none of this is real?"

Her heart hurt at his words, but she quickly dismissed it as nothing. "Nobody will believe him if he says anything, because they like us a whole lot more. Everybody knows he likes stirring up trouble for no good reason, and I've got a reputation, hell, you have a reputation now. We'll be fine." She sipped her kvas, grateful for the burn as it went down. It stopped her thinking too hard about Nik.

"If you're sure," he frowned, and Y/n wanted to smooth the lines on his face with her fingertips. He settled into the sofa next to her having finished fiddling with the fire, and it was cramped enough that his thigh brushed against hers. She pulled her legs up, turning so that her back was resting against the arm and she was facing him. Nik angled his body slightly so that he was looking towards her, shifting in his seat in a way that had Y/n hiding behind her glass and trying desperately to not think too hard about his lap. "You alright?" he asked, amusement in his eyes and a smirk on his face, and Saints damn it she was blushing and he fucking knew it.

"Yeah, I'm alright." He hummed, and Y/n felt her cheeks grow even warmer. "What? I am!"

"Okay! You just look a little... flushed," he responded, and she could hear the laughter in his voice, making her glare at him. "There it is! I've missed that glare," he joked, only succeeding in deepening her frown.

"Fuck off," she muttered as she sipped her kvas, and he laughed, loud and bellowing. Saints, she wanted to make him laugh more often.

Sleeping next to Nik tonight would be difficult, she decided as she watched him.

~~~

A few hours and half a bottle of kvas later, Nik and Y/n had loosened up significantly, and were spilling secrets that she would never dare to tell him were she sober.

He'd confessed that he was absolutely terrified of spiders, having been nicknamed 'Nikolai the spider squealer' by his childhood best friend, and was considered a general menace to society as a small boy.

"Oh yeah, I find that so difficult to believe," Y/n giggled sarcastically, and Nik's responding pout only made her laugh harder.

"What is that supposed to mean? I am an absolute delight to have around!" He put on a look of offence, and Y/n nearly spilled her drink when she held her sides from laughing. "Seriously!" He was laughing now, spluttering as he spoke and unable to get words out properly. A few minutes later when they'd calmed down enough (it took a while since whenever they looked at each other they burst out laughing again), he spoke up again. "Go on, your turn. I think it's been my turn the last three times," he frowned, trying to count in his head. Y/n thought for a moment, before coming up with something.

"Saints, I don't know why I'm even gonna tell you this," she laughed, pressing her hand to her forehead. "Okay. So, basically, I've never... I have never... you know." She waved her hand in the general direction of her lower half. Nik's eyes went wide.

"Wait. You've never had an orgasm?"

"No, I haven't!"

"No wonder you're so fucking grumpy all the time, Saints!"

"Oi! It's not exactly my fault! Davor never could and neither can I, I gave up trying to get myself off like six months ago."

"Bet I could," Nik said, sipping his drink.

"...What?"

"I said I bet I could."

They looked at each other, Nik studying her over his glass and Y/n feeling increasingly flustered at the direction their conversation had taken.

"Prove it."

He said nothing, still just looking her, and she was starting to regret her words. "Sorry. Stupid idea. Forget it." She turned her face away, staring into the fire. He was yet to say anything, and the atmosphere turned awkward.

"Are you?" he said, and Saints, why was his voice so low? "Are you sorry?"

"No," she whispered, and she was hyper-aware of the sound of his glass clinking against the side table as he set it down. She turned to look at him, breath leaving her body at the sight of him closer than before, eyes filled with something dangerous. She put her own glass down, nearly spilling it since she hadn't taken her eyes off of Nik. "Why?"

"Because I want to prove it."

Something snapped then, and Y/n surged forward to grab at his shirt with her hands and pull him in for a kiss. He didn't seem to know what to do with himself for a moment, but after barely a second he was responding, wrapping his arms around her waist as he pulled her into his lap, moaning softly, and Saints she wanted him to do it all over again. Her hands moved up to play with his hair the way that she'd wanted to since their first kiss in the square all those days ago, tangling in the locks and tugging every now and then as his hands grasped her hips. She wasn't sure how long they were there for, exploring each other his their hands and tongues, but every second of it was just as good as she'd imagined. He'd moved her hair out of the way to kiss down her neck, alternating between soft kisses and gently biting the skin, drawing sounds out of her that Davor never could. "Nik," she whispered into his hair, not missing the way his grip tightened on her hips. He slowly dragged his head back up, kissing as he went, before he pressed another to her mouth.

"Yeah?" His pupils were blown, the blue of his eyes nearly non-existent, and his lips were slightly swollen from kissing her.

"You gonna prove it or not?" she breathed, and he could only stare at her for a moment before nodding, and then she felt his hands at the top of her trousers, pulling up the fabric of her shirt. He hadn't taken his eyes off of her, silently asking if this was still alright, and they only broke eye contact when her shirt slipped over her head, landing on the floor a second later. He pulled her back in, kisses a little more gentle than before, and Y/n went to take Nik's shirt off. He hesitated slightly, and she paused, not wanting to make him uncomfortable. "This okay? You don't have to, if it's... I just... wanted to feel you, I guess." She blushed at the admission, and he smiled softly at her.

"It's okay, darling," and Saints she'd forgotten how her stomach dipped at the pet name. "I've just... got a lot of scars," he whispered, and Y/n immediately went to reassure him.

"That's okay. You're helping me out, not talking about your scars. but equally if you wanna do that then I'll listen," she said, pressing a kiss to his forehead, and she practically felt him melt under her. He moved back a little, giving himself room to take his clothes off. Nik paused for a moment, looking at his gloves, then made a decision and yanked them off, chucking them on to the side table next to his discarded drink. He glanced back up at her, waiting for her reaction as he settled his hands lightly on top of her thighs. Y/n could only stare at them, reaching out to hold one with her own hand but not quite touching. Most of the veins were black, and his fingers were the same, and as Y/n finally took hold of his hand, lacing their fingers together and turning his arm in her grip she noticed that the black veins continued partway up his forearms. "What..." She didn't finish, not sure where to go from there. Nik was transfixed by their interlocked hands, and his thumb was stroking hers.

"The Darkling," was his only response, and Y/n didn't know what to do other than press a gentle kiss to his mouth, cupping his face with her free hand. She pulled away, resting her forehead against his, and her hand moved down to rest over his heart.

"Does it hurt?"

"No. Not anymore."

She kissed him again, slow and careful, still holding his hand in hers.

"Do you wanna carry on?"

"Yes," he said into her mouth, hands sliding up higher on her thighs, pulling her closer to him, and Saints, he wasn't lying. She moved her hands to his shirt, tugging at the hem and lifting the fabric all the way off. Her fingers traced the lines of his chest, spending extra time on the scars and marks she found, and Nik's hands came up to rest on her back, pulling her flush against him. They kissed again, this time with more hunger, and in a sudden movement Nik had flipped them so that Y/n was lying on the sofa, legs half dangling off the edge as he situated himself between them, never taking his lips off of hers. He bit her lip, and she moaned as he slipped his tongue inside, hands moving over her sides as he shifted his hips into hers. Her grip tightened on his hair, and this time it was his turn to groan as he moved to kiss down her neck again. Nik tugged at the laces of her undershirt, pulling the clothing off a moment later and flinging it to the side. He stopped, sat up and staring down at her chest, and Y/n went to cover herself. Before she could, he'd grabbed her hands, shaking his head at her. "None of that, darling. You're stunning."

He lowered himself back down, nose brushing her chest as he asked for permission. She didn't hesitate, using her hands in his hair to all but shove him further into her, and a brief moment later he was lavishing her with his mouth again. He moved further down her body when he was satisfied he'd done enough, leaving a trail of kisses as he went, and then he was taking off her belt and looking up at her from where he now kneeled on the floor between her thighs.

"This okay, Y/n?"

"Yes," she breathed, helping him to take the rest of her clothes off. Nik kissed his way across her inner thighs, touching her everywhere but where she needed him most, and his hand on her hips was preventing her from pushing up. Annoyingly he was going to prove his point eventually, and Y/n could only begin to imagine how cocky he would be. All thoughts of anything but Nik went out of her head when he suddenly kissed her there, tentative and experimental, and Saints, the smug smirk he had on his face at her responding moan was enough to make her want to go right back to hating him.

She lost all sense of time as Nik touched her, drawing out new sounds with every movement. The hand that wasn't holding her down was helping to bring her closer, and somewhere in the haze of her pleasure Y/n thought about his blackened fingers on her skin and inside her and she gripped his hair tighter (she also had a vague thought that his scalp would hurt after this, but he didn't seem to mind at the moment), urging him to keep going.

He did, never once stopping his actions until he'd pushed her over the edge, hold on her hips getting stronger (she'd have bruises, she was sure) as she shook, and then again when he did it for a second time.

He moved back up her body a while after, having left soft kisses behind as she came down from the high, and when she brought his face down to kiss her it was soft and more loving than it should have been given they weren't actually together.

"You alright?" he asked, nose nudging against her cheek. She could only nod, wiped out. She could feel him smiling, the cheeky fucker, and she half-heartedly slapped his arm, trying to not think too hard about how toned it was. "What?" he smiled, pulling back to look at her.

"Nothing, just, you're a lot more... I don't know," she trailed off, blushing at his stare. "You have very nice arms," she decided on, and Nik's immediate laughter made her flush even more. "Shut up," she mumbled, turning her face to hide in the back of the sofa. She felt Nik's hand cup her chin, bringing her face back towards his as he planted a kiss on her lips, lingering for a while.

"Thank you," he whispered, amused smile still present. "You have very nice tits, if that helps."

"Nik!"

~~~

Nikolai had no idea where the two of them went from here, but he wouldn't take back a single second of it.

He'd helped clean Y/n up, and then had helped her move to the bed, passing her one of his clean shirts to sleep in. He went without the gloves as he got into bed next to her, leaving them sat on the table in front of the fire. He was just pulling his boots off when he felt Y/n's fingers on his back, tracing over the scars from the demon's wings. Her hands flattened on his back, then moved around his torso and under his arms as she pushed herself against him, pulling his head to hers to kiss him. The angle was awkward, so Nikolai shook his boots off and turned around, cupping her cheek to deepen the kiss. He clambered in next to her, breaking away, and pulled the sheets up over them. At Y/n's pout he simply chuckled, and brought her down to lie next to him, and she slung her arm over his chest and her leg over his, falling asleep not long after.

Nikolai stayed awake a while longer, thinking over everything that had happened. He really didn't know where they went from here, but no matter what, he needed to tell her the truth before they got too far in.

Chapter 7

[landinrris]

In your personal universe, how did the Norrix t Shanghai situation play out?

Just like the weekend in general? My personal universe (that I'm turning partly into a "little" blurb in response to a couple of prompts) basically goes like:

Lando flies out of Monaco Monday morning most likely following all of his friends leaving from the previous few days Sunday evening. Rather than flying straight to Shanghai, he flies into Tokyo to spend a few days with Martin (and Louis and Menno tbh). He shows up and kind of surprises Martin because he's early by a day or two and a city. They spend a couple of days then lowkey in Tokyo under the radar. They do some cool touristy things and eat some amazing food, and it's a perfect little hideaway where they don't really run into anyone.

Martin's got some plans for work in Tokyo before the weekend officially starts though, so Lando finishes making his way to Shanghai alone and starts in on the weekend with the team and his obligations. They share a very nice phonecall Friday evening following Lando's Sprint Pole, and they both lament how close and yet how far they are from each other right now. Come Saturday morning, Martin and Louis make their way to Shanghai and sneak into the back of McLaren's garage to be there for whatever happens (especially in case anything substantial happens). Lando probably didn't go to the gig that night (and maybe for the best) because he needed to get as much asleep as possible, but Martin crawled into bed later fuming and ready to pass out as well. Lando probably lets him rant fully in the morning when they wake up.

Fast forward to the race, Martin and Louis practically sneak into the paddock and start the race in Red Bull's garage. They say hello to and hang out with Max a bit in the build-up, taking some photos and documenting some things for sponsor-related purposes (I'm specifically thinking of Louis' few insta pics). A little before half race distance, when the first virtual-safety car gets tripped, Martin tugs Louis towards the exit and they make the short trip down to McLaren. They flash their McLaren-specific tags (that Lando snagged for them) to whoever is sitting out front and then blend in with the background. A tiny part of Martin's brain settles, and he feels less guilty cheering for the way Lando is able to jump Checo because of Red Bull's double stack. And then Lando stays quicker than Checo, and that's pretty cool that he gets to cheer for him as well for the real first time while at a race.

Following the race, Lando runs into Martin in McLaren's areas where they've stuck around until the last possible moment before he has to run to the post-race gig. It's one of the first races Martin's been at where Lando actually has something to celebrate, and the bear hug he gives Lando is certainly reflective of that. Lando, Martin, Louis, and Max end up back on Max's plane later that evening heading back to Europe for a week off wherein Lando and Max take their selfie, and Martin is in their comments within like five minutes. Because he can, because what is subtlety anymore, because they're happy.

[muzzleroars]

Do you think hell ships v1 and Gabriel together? Or is it willing to destroy that relationship for fun

a very interesting question tbh....because the thing is, i can see how initially their relationship would be incredibly intriguing for it - i already talked a little bit about gabriel being one of hell's favorite subjects, so i think his breakdown and subsequent understanding of his own feelings toward v1 would be a great continuation of the interpersonal drama, really the ultimate pinnacle of his spiral downward since becoming the council's watchdog. not only does it make for a spectacular fight in heresy, but if he were to then fight alongside v1 after his fall, it gets access to some of the most brutal engagements it's ever had the pleasure of viewing - all coming with gabriel's still conflicted feelings for some time. so in a way, it supports what they're doing for a time, insofar as it gives it great bloody shows and it sees the corruption of gabriel over time. plus they're just a unique combination, an supreme (fallen) angel and a supreme machine weaving their techniques together into something unknown to heaven or hell.

the only issue i do see is sort of the idea of them. settling down into something much less conflict-driven as hell itself runs short of its husks and demons. how gabriel mellows into accepting himself, how v1 discovers it can do more than create war, how they build a loving relationship with one another that goes far beyond their shared foundation in violence. then hell can't understand them, hell has nothing in it to enjoy watching them forge a life when what's happened should leave them both in ruin. gabriel should be forever locked in grief while v1 should slowly starve itself out from its own senseless destruction. but instead they've carved out a place for themselves in a world that should be nothing but hostile. and that can't entertain it, yet how can it harm them when their combined strength seems to best anything that comes their way? what can it do realistically to them even if it wants to see them suffer by its very nature? and their very natures should see them suffer, yet they've escaped that fate. so i think it's unusually quiet for a time, thinking it over, wondering if they'll ruin it themselves (things happen, yet nothing sticks) or just how it might act upon them to give it the satisfactory ending it wants. that's why it fixates in on v1, especially when its software starts to fail and it sees its opportunity to fully destroy both of them. it makes it kind of worth it, playing the long game and watching them in relative happiness for all that time - it'll make it that much more agonizing when it can finally infect v1

[fromafars]

( MELTEM AKCOL. TWENTY SIX. CIS WOMAN. SHE / HER. ) since you aren’t aware of them yet… that’s ( ALEYNA DURMAZ ) wandering around in hollow creek! from what i know they’ve lived in hollow creek for ( HER WHOLE LIFE. ) i’m also aware of the fact that they work as a ( MUSIC STORE CLERK. ) in town! but if you were to ask me, what i see when i think about them are: ( GUITAR PICK NECKLACES, ALWAYS LOOKING FOR THAT SILVER LINING, HUMMING A SEEMINGLY FORGOTTEN CHILDHOOD LULLABY, SUNSHINE SMILES, SCRIBBLED SONG LYRICS. ) if anything, i feel like they could be ( CREATIVE, KIND-HEARTED, OBLIVIOUS & SCATTERBRAINED. ) it’s really weird, though… because they seem to be hiding something that no one else knows. but i sure do! and that is ( CLOSED FILE … REDACTED. ). wild, huh? i know. they’re hoping no one will ever find out. and the very last thing that i’d say about them is that they’re mainly known to be ( THE MUSO. ) just keep a lookout! who knows if they’re putting on a facade!

𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐆𝐄𝐑 𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: death & crime

𝐁𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐒

full name: aleyna durmaz

nickname: ley, leyna

date of birth: august 28, 1998

gender: cis woman

pronouns: she/her

occupation: clerk at half note

birthplace: hollow creek, massachusetts

sexuality: bisexual

height: 5′5″

fluent in: english, turkish

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐆𝐑𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃

born to a very chaotic household, aleyna's the youngest of 4

her dad has lowkey always lived a life of crime tbh and her mom was his high school sweetheart

it became glaringly obvious from a young age that whatever love her parents may have had for each other was long gone by the time she got into the picture

it felt like they were just together because they had already started a family and it was too late to back out now

the older she got, the worse it became. rumors flew around that her parents were cheating on each other, she could hear them fighting every night and she just wished they would throw in the towel and get a divorce already because yes, they were all still a family, but nobody was believing their marriage was anything but toxic

it probably didn't help that they lived in a mobile home that was waaaay too small to fit all of them and when she was older, aleyna came to realize that whatever money they did have that came from her dad was blood money or he got through shady circumstances

it got to a point that her dad was in a bad way with some worse people and for payback, her mother died in the crossfire

aleyna was just fourteen at this point and she was devastated. a girl still needed her mother and in the blink of an eye, she was gone

she was always taught to be tough but despite everything that she had been around growing up, aleyna held onto her optimism

she'd always, always choose being kind over anything else

she also doesn't like that her father's reputation bleeds into her and her brothers' lives. she's not her dad, and she 10000% disagrees with the things he has done. she knows she'd never fully understand why her dad does the things that he does, or the circumstances that got him to this point but the town is small and her father's reputation casts a very large and dark shadow over her and she hates it

she's been living here since she was born, barely even got out of the state, and she's pretty sure she'll die here tbh because it's home and she doesn't know anything else

she's worked jobs ever since she could so she's been everywhere. a maid at the pearl hotel, she paints houses, dogwalks, had a stint as a waitress at the local diner, a cashier at different businesses, using multiple jobs to pay her way through college (with some help from her older brothers) before she finally settled down as the clerk at half note as soon as she graduated

four years ago, right after her graduation, her eldest brother disappeared and there have been absolutely no answers

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐓𝐒

+ optimistic, creative, kind-hearted

- oblivious, scatterbrained, fickle

𝐅𝐔𝐍 𝐅𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐒

full of fun facts herself tbh especially when it comes to specific songs/musicians/artists

is one of those people who can hear a song and be able to play it. also has a knack of being able to learn how to play any instrument quickly

her first love is her guitar which she stole from one of her older brothers when she was younger

has a chow chow named chowder who is always with her at half note. he's the cutest but laziest dog you'll ever meet. she's also a foster fail because she fostered this orange cat named dorito but she ended up adopting her

she's not the brightest cookie in the jar (pls dont ask her to do any math problem because she will cry) but that's okay because her strength lies in her creativity

music is her first love but she just loves everything that has to do with art -- dance, sculpting, theater, you name it

just a sweetheart tbh but she's also incredibly oblivious like she's friendly with everyone so she takes everybody as just being friendly back. she's sometimes oblivious when it comes to someone flirting with her

blossomed pretty late when it comes to that aspect because she doesn't want to rush into things (ie having a first kiss, having a first significant other) just because everyone else was doing it. it's all about the #vibes in the moment. if it feels right, then it's a go

despite the horrible example of her parents, she loves love but has also learned to be pretty carefree when it comes to relationships. if they happen, they happen. if they don't work out, then that's okay. at least they tried

lowkey has daddy issues tbh but who can blame her

is a fan of second chances <3 and third and fourth because she's stupid <3

would go to all the concerts if she had the money but alas she does not

just likes to be a positive vibe always, especially because she feels like the town has already been through so much

is also surprisingly a gym person

LOVES wearing pastel colors like she loves her basics too but she's always wearing something colorful and fun

as dumb as she may be in some aspects, especially in math and science and history, she's actually really good at picking up languages

𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

older brothers (wc can be found on the main)

ride or die

girl gang

childhood friends who stayed friends

childhood friends who drifted apart

unexpected friends

a bad influence on her

a past hookup

a current hookup

exes that ended on good terms

exes that ended on bad terms (i'm gonna limit this to one)

family friends

fellow music lovers

her first relationship

frenemies where it is one-sided because aleyna thinks they're genuine friends rip

crushes maybe??

older sister vibes?

[dreamedofyou]

OF Favourites Rankings (Halfway Point)

Got tagged by @thatgirl4815 and thought it'd be fun to do but as usual I'm a bit late, as this was supposed to be done before ep 7 aired. 😅 Ah well, I'm still going to rank the characters only up to the halfway point of the series (aka the end of ep 6) so bear in mind that this was my list before ep 7 (and it did slightly change since).

Ok, let's get into the rankings, from last to first place:

7. Boston

Said this before and I'll say it again: I enjoy having Boston on my screen because he always makes things interesting and entertaining. He's just a character I absolutely love to hate. As a person, though, he is just so rancid that he takes my last spot in the ranking and I base most of that on the way he treats his friends tbh. If this is the shit he does to people he's supposed to be close with and care about, then I dread to think how he treats those that mean absolutely nothing to him. The thing is I'm usually a huge fan of characters who do bad/toxic stuff (as you will see later on in my ranking) but they need to have reasons other than their ego for it and at the halfway point I don't see that in Boston. This might change by the end of the show, of course.

6. Cheum

I have two main reasons why she's so low on this list, the first of which being that she simply doesn't have enough screentime/storylines for me to form a strong attachment to her character, and the other being that she sometimes annoys me with her remarks. I enjoyed the conflict we got between her and April but it was so brief, I wish the female characters got the same treatment as the male ones instead of feeling like an afterthought. This is actually my one major criticism of the show but unfortunately it's a problem most BL shows suffer from.

5. Nick

I sympathise with Nick but at the same time I'm also like "you kind of brought this on yourself, my guy." The way he's either blinded by Boston's sweet-talk or just doesn't mind Boston's assholery frustrates me so much sometimes, which is why he's only nr. 5 for me. That and the fact that we don't know that much about him (yet) either. I need more to fully connect.

4. Top

I feel like this is an unpopular opinion but I think Top gets too much shit from the fandom. Yes, the reason he started pursuing Mew was shitty, but along the way he did genuinely develop feelings for Mew and imo him wanting to change and settle down is sincere. I'm a big believer in second chances if people are genuinely willing to change and better themselves, which I do think Top wants. Obviously, him sleeping with Boston (and lying to Mew) was shitty and it's one of the reasons why the nr. 4 spot is probably as high as he can go for me but I'm way more lenient there than most people because he was heavily manipulated into it by Boston and then regretted it and felt guilty about it. This isn't an excuse on my part, btw, I'm not absolving him of blame, but context makes a difference for me personally. I also think his character has the potential to grow a lot and I'm a hoe for character development (as you'll also see later).

3. Mew

Same as with Top, I feel like my opinion on Mew is somewhat unpopular, especially when it comes to his relationship with Ray. Basically, I don't think he's a bad friend at all and I believe he genuinely wants to help Ray but sometimes goes about it the wrong way (possibly due to previous experience). I think his heart is in the right place when it comes to most things and he's just like... a pretty normal dude, which I appreciate. That doesn't mean he has no flaws and can't be petty or nasty if he wants to be, however. I guess my one problem with him is I sometimes struggle to see why he fell so hard for Top specifically (what was so special about Top) because we weren't really given much of a reason. Unless it's just one of those situations where you fall for someone's looks/vibes and like that they're nice/sweet to you, and it isn't much deeper than that (because that happens to people, but Mew doesn't seem like the type to fall for those reasons). Basically, I like Mew much more when he isn't with/around Top.

2. Sand

I don't even have much to say here because I literally love everything about Sand, flaws and all. The only thing that slightly irritates me sometimes is the fact that he (unintentionally) self-sabotages by not wanting to talk about his feelings, probably because he wants to appear as if he's fine all the time even when he's clearly not. Sand is also the character I relate to most. Honestly, if it wasn't for my tendency to obsess over "broken" characters who do destructive things but are otherwise not bad people (and have a huge character development potential) then Sand would be my nr. 1. But, alas...

1. Ray

Ah, yes, we've arrived to the aforementioned "broken" character. This man has more issues than all the other characters combined and it's exactly what makes him my favourite character, oops. Unlike Boston's shitty behaviour, which is driven by ego, Ray's is driven by loneliness, abandonment issues, a lack of love, the list goes on. I genuinely think he's not a bad person, but he's self-destructive (which ends up endangering others as well) and obsessive/unable to let go (particularly when it comes to Mew), which is a recipe for disaster. He wants to be loved so badly but he wants it from the wrong person (Mew) in the wrong manner (romantic). As I said before, I'm a hoe for character development and Ray's potential on that front is off the charts. I want to see him deal with his numerous issues and grow from it as a person. What can I say, I'm just a sucker for those types of characters.

I want to conclude this by saying that there are two wolves inside me: one is a Sand Protector and the other is a Ray Apologist. They are at constant war with each other. Whichever one wins a battle at any given moment determines which of the two characters is currently my nr. 1 and which my nr. 2. That is all. 🙃

Since I'm late with this, I won't be tagging anyone but if you see this post and want to do your own ranking, feel free to consider yourself tagged.

I wonder if my list will change after the series finale.

[shmowder]

🤯🖤🤯🖤 Ok, that settles it - I think I really will try to replay P2. Now it's all on my mind. Hello Darkness by Theodor Bastard my old friend 🫶 I feel kind of bad that I can't give much in the way of an intellectual reply, but please never worry about retelling anything I may already know (or getting too niche)! It's been two years since I played, and I'm realizing that I haven't retained many of the details, but rest assured I do enjoy reading your thoughts, and the passion you have for the game is contagious (I didn't realize I was making a plague related pun until it had already been typed...)!!

I totally get the "antagonist is your own ego" thing with Stardew. It can be frustrating trying to pace yourself when there's just so much to do, and knowing that it's impossible to do it all in one day. As far as villagers go - why am I suddenly picturing Bad Grief as, like, Redd from Animal Crossing, selling fake paintings? It must be the hair 😂 Yulia can help me plan out my farm because even when I was thriving in year 3, visually it was a bit of a mess, and I'm sure not laid out optimally.

Oooh how cool is that picture of the Executors bowing down before Aglaya... (as an aside, I took the quiz you linked to and Executor was my result lmao). And <333 I can't believe we have the same favorite characters. I'd be happy to read anything you write about them.

Something clicked when you used the word "gentle" when describing how Yulia is with Artemy. You're so right. I think part of the reason I'm drawn to her and Victor is they both seem to have a gentleness to them, or if not that then a stillness, quietness, introspection. And sadness. Even Aglaya for all her strict imposing presence has a sadness to her.

I did a little more poking around the P1 part of the Wiki - Sticky's animal being a kitten is the cutest thing in the WORLD 🥹

And thank you! Now I'm intrigued by this, shall we say, unorthodox emoji choice - but I understand if you don't want to say it 😆

I'm sorry you haven't been feeling well :( I hope things get better for you, and that you can find some relief through this blog ^^ I've been alright; I saw that you have a birthday coming up and mine was about a week ago! Gemini twins~

🐿️ anon

IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY LAST WEEK!! WE ARE TWINS HORRAY <33333 HAPPY LATE BIRTHDAY I MADE THIS FOR YOU

Don't mind the cupcake. They both assumed the other person's gonna bring the cake and had to improvise really quickly

Mine is still a few days away, hehe 6/9 hehehe. It's gonna be fun. It's why I originally started the "what the pathologic characters bring for your birthday" drabble series but my god it was the hardest writing exercise ever??? I was a shriveled up husk of a human afterwards and had to throw in the towel. I don't think I'll ever do the termites or humbles rip.

You did mention people that you liked my Hysteria fics and that made me very happy <3 It encouraged me to continue and write the last and third part, even compiled the drabbles and posted them on AO3 so they don't end up swallowed up and lost by tumblr's gutters.

I don't think of my replies or characters analysis as intellectual tbh, I'm just throwing up words and saying what's on mind. So I never expect anything high-brow or even well formmated in return. You're doing wonderful and your replies have been a real delight to recieve and read, I promise.

And yes, the gentleness! The three of them are aimlessly drifting in an ocean of melancholy. You get it! They seem cold and detached, but deep down, they're incredibly sensitive. They're calculated yet so full of emotions. They understand people, and they dig past the surface in other's until they fully comprehend their structure, evualting their core and understanding what gives them meaning. They're thoughtful in their own way that most people miss.

Take Victor, for example. He tends to be polite even while giving orders, using please and thank you even in the most miniscule of requests. The way he doesn't take fault to any of Artemy's mean comments or insults about him and the Kains, he doesn't take your hostility to heart and keeps talking and cooperating with you.

He's patient with Artemy, much like Yulia is gentle with you. He explains the structures and their purpose, he explains to you how time flows and works, he shares his plans for the future at the end of the game, condensing the complex visions into simple terms for you to understand, without being condcending and without being asked to.

Like when your teacher explains to a child why can birds fly, how planes work and why flight is such an achievement for humanity. He has the patience of a loving parent that wants to share his admiration for the innovations in the world with you. But he keeps himself grounded through all of it, doesn't let excitement nor passion steer him away from giving you his full attention when you interrupt with a question.

Even after that, he still extends an invitation for you to join him, to join them, the future awaiting just across the river, a world born anew. Saying, "Of course, you'll always be welcome there"—you—the one who destroyed the hopes and dreams of everything his family has ever amounted for. He still welcomes you with open arms, inviting the ripper along to the heavens.

-

Meanwhile, the player can almost make Aglaya tear in the literal first ingame meeting. Nothing major, just the hint of a few tears when you pick the sincere from the heart dialogue options the Haruspex is known for. It moves her, genuinely moves her.

And by that point, she still is apathetic towards Artemy and is burtal and efficient with her words. This isn't the soft loving Aglaya you get at the end of the game, this is the steel inquisitor Lilich you're being questioned by.

Yet she is almost moved to tears.

You know those types of people that bury themselves under 13 layers of irony to be able to even function? The people who can't self-actualize or speak sincerely in fear of being perceived as cringe? the people who refuse to take anything to heart no matter how raw or moving? Because it's safer to not let the world affect you, it's safer to shut out both the good and the bad. It's familiar.

Aglaya is on the far extreme opposite end of that. She looks for the meaning of life in everything, be it under a rock or over a bridge. She dissects everyone's words, she tests how much their weight would truly hold up against feathers in the brutal scales of her mind.

She isn't afraid to feel emotions. She isn't afraid to face herself and her vulnerability as a human being. To be raw and open, completely unphased by the spears piercing into her soft bare flesh because she knows pain is part of being human. That pain is the price of growing up. Part of the process of being a full-fledged being with a soul.

She is not controlled by her ego nor pride. She knows that she knows nothing which is the greatest strength she holds over all of the factions in pathologic, which is the sole reason she is able to outsmart and manipulation the bachelor himself in his own game of chess.

She understands pain, she understands happiness and she understands what it's like to not have a purpose. To struggle to survive when your life is at the mercy of the whims of children.

Aglaya is probably the most emotional character in all of Pathologic for how many feelings she contains and doesn't shy away from. The rollercoaster these 5 days have been to her since she arrived in town. Dealing with anger and revenge with Daniil, discovering trust, love, and a new meaning for life with Artemy, learning about powers beyond anyone's control with Clara.

It is ironic how she appears as the most cold and apathetic to onlookers based on their personal opinions of her.

Yet not even a single crack forms in her sanity. She accepts the theory of the town being alive almost immediately.

She thinks. Truly uses both her brain & heart, and doesn't make her decisions based on personal biases and gut feelings.

Cogito ergo eum

Therefore, she is.

-

On a last note, Sticky's animal being a kitten genuinely made my week so much better. I kept thinking about that fact whenever I was in a bad mood and how fitting it is since he clings after Artemy left and right, following him and fearing abandonment just because his dad took too long in the shower once ouch my heart. It's so fitting!!!

A cub and a kitten!!! what more could you ask for??

That detail definitely slipped me by, thank you so much for bringing it up to me. My life just got ten times better with that imagery in my head.

I hope you have a wonderful day! I had fun writing this <3 thanks for existing.

[mad-raptorzzz]

making more WOF AUs of things I like

this time it’s the Red Queen and Lunar Chronicles books

First up Red Queen. Some dragons have red blood. But animus dragons have silver blood. If an animus has an egg with a non animus, they get a non animus dragonet. This has resulted in silver blooded dragons considering themselves elite and only breeding other silver blooded dragons. Species has nothing to do with it, all that matters is the blood. In this AU, no dragons can breathe fire or ice breath, and RainWings don’t have any of their abilities either. In fact, even fire wielding dragons can’t make their own fire. They have to carry striker stones with them on their wrists and tails to start a spark. Stronger animus mating pairs means stronger dragonets. But maybe these silver blooded animus dragons have been covering something up, maybe red blooded dragons can wield animus magic too. Some even more powerful than theirs…

Mare Barrow: Sky/Night/Mud/Leaf. Her NightWing traits are most dominant. Red blooded. Can wield lightning, which is purple in color.

Shade Barrow: Sky/Night/Mud/Leaf. SkyWing traits most dominant. Can teleport short distances. Very speedy.

Maven Calore: Sky/Ice. He’s a good mix, but his IceWing traits are quite noticeable when compared to his brother. Very Pale. Fire wielder, his fire is blue.

Tiberias Calore VII: Sky/Sand. But you’d honestly never tell, he looks nearly 100% SkyWing. Fire wielded with red fire. Definitely dad’s favorite due to his SkyWing predominance.

Evangeline Samos: Hive/Rain. She’s a good mix, perfectly balanced. Metal wielder. Tbh one of my favorite characters I love her sass.

I’ll come up with more when I start my re-read after finishing Iron Flame (almost done).

Now the Lunar Chronicles: A long time ago, ancient dragons developed a way for travel in space with great flying machines. This allowed a subset of the population to colonize the moon. This was before the dragon species had fully settled into modern day. The dragons who left for the moon became what are now called NightWings. The radiation of the moon, which was unknown to the dragons until many years of living there, granted them with special powers to manipulate others impressions of them. Some can read minds and catch glimpses of the future. Powerful dragons can even control or manipulate others. Dragons living back on the home planet have become very wary of these so called NightWings or Lunar Dragons. They hardly ever come down from their moon, but when they do it always causes trouble. All the dragons in this AU retain their abilities. But all NightWings essentially have some form of power/animus magic. HiveWings simply evolved on their own without any NightWing genes. (I’m not set on them actually living on the moon yet, I may just have them live on another continent far away that is very exposed to the moon/moons and/or was made by a large chunk of old moon falling? Either way they get super moon exposure and are pretty isolated)

Linh Cinder: She’s a pure NightWing, however (and this is to better fit the AU and not have dragons immediately know she’s a NightWing) she’s leucistic. So she has very pale scales to begin with, moon blessed as her mother called her. She was also horribly burned as a hatchling, resulting in her being a cyborg dragon and nearly unrecognizable as a NightWing. She has an inhibitor chip blocking her abilities. Most dragons assume she is a mutt of many different tribes from the home planet, definitely some Ice and Sand and Rain and maybe Hive? She’s the long lost Princess if the NightWings, Selene. Scarlet Benoit-Kesley: Sky/Sand/Rain. And just a sprinkle of Night, which is unknown to her. She doesn’t have any ability of the NightWings. she’s a very skilled fighter, non-poisonous barbed tail and no venom or color change, but that doesn’t stop her from being deadly.

Crescent Moon Darnel: Night/Hive. She is a ‘shell’ or a NightWing without abilities. (Technically she’s a full blooded lunar in the books, but her mom is mysterious and unnamed. It was always my headcannon that her mom was either from earth or had some earthness to her, and I think she’d be a cute little Night/Hive hybrid) Wicked smart, a hacker. Pretty shy. But very loyal. Used to work for the Queen, but not anymore!

Winter Blackburn-Hayle: pure NightWing. Considered very beautiful by NightWing standards. Aka dark scales. She was forced to mutilate her own face by her step mother the Queen when she was a dragonet, resulting in three scars on the right side of her face. Does not ever use her NightWing powers Wolf: Night/Mud. From one of the packs of dragons the NightWings bred specifically for protection. They wanted the strength of MudWings with the loyalty to the NightWing throne. No special abilities, but very very strong.

Queen Levena Blackburn: Pure NightWing. Also very very very powerful in terms of NightWing gifts. Can control hundreds of dragons at a time. Uses her power to shield her true appearance due to flame burns on the majority of her left side. She’s very vain. And very evil. Cinder’s Aunt and Winter’s stepmother.

Wahoooooo. Who knows what obsession will be WOFed next. Stay tuned.

I think I’ll someday sketch all these things out.