#that sleepover kinda did our friendship in

[dgaftilwedie]

used to be friends with this chick who was literally the worst hostess ever. she had a cat that stayed in her room most of the time (all well and good, she was a sweet kitty) but istg she had a bladder problem. pissed EVERYWHERE. especially bc my friend wouldn't clean her litter box. whenever me n my best friend went over to her house, we were forced to sleep on her catpiss-covered hardwood floor. had to beg her to bring us blankets. one time, i fell asleep (read: ATTEMPTED TO) on a thing layer of squishmallows.

speaking of, there was one time and my best friend went over to her house and she literally passed out an hour into us being there. we were starving and all we had to fend off our hunger was a bottle of orange soda. i had to blare that international harvester song in her bluetooth headphones just for her to wake up and make us a pizza (which she burnt so bad it was inedible) and then she fell asleep after much complaints. she woke up like 4 hours later when me and bff were going to bed to play fucking?? idk maple story??? and then she bitched to her parents about us IN FRONT OF US the next day when we were waiting for our rides. her parents called her out. it was hilarious.

[midn1ghtsworld]

TEACH ME

(Zoa x Male Reader)

It was a typical Friday night, and my best friend Zoa was over for our usual weekend sleepover at my place. Her parents were away on another one of their couples’ getaways, leaving us to our own devices as usual.

We were lounging on the couch, channel surfing, and snacking on junk food when Zoa suddenly brought up a rather awkward topic. “Hey, can I ask you something kinda personal?," she said, fidgeting with a lock of her long hair. I could tell she was nervous.

“Sure, what’s up?”I replied, my curiosity piqued.

Zoa bit her lip. “It’s about…cocks. I mean, I’ve never actually seen a real one in person before. Just in like, videos and stuff.” Her cheeks flushed pink.

I wasn’t sure what to say. Zoa and I had a close friendship, but we’d never really discussed this kind of thing before. “Oh, um, yeah, I guess...” I stammered.

She looked at me pleadingly. “I know this is super weird, but... could you maybe show me? Just so I know what it actually looks like? I’m really curious.”

I gulped. Part of me thought it was a bad idea. But Zoa was my best friend. And in a weird way, I was kinda curious myself to share this with her, even if it was awkward as hell.

Slowly, I reached down and undid my fly. I hesitated for a moment, then pulled out my semi-hard cock. Zoa’s eyes went wide as she stared at it, transfixed.

“Wow,” she whispered. “It’s so... different than I expected. Bigger.” She giggled nervously.

I shrugged, trying to play it cool even as my heart pounded. “Um yeah, I suppose so. So, uh, what did you wanna know?”

“So, um, how do I make it get all the way hard like in videos?” Zoa asked, leaning in closer to examine my penis.

“Here…” I said, hesitantly picking up my shaft. I began to stroke myself, showing her how to masturbate. “You kind of just rub up and down the length like this. Focus on the head, that’s the most sensitive part.”

Zoa reached out a finger to lightly touch the tip, watching in fascination as it jumped at her touch. “Wow, it’s really hard now,” she said, marveling. “Can you show me how to do a proper handjob? I want to try it.”

My heart was racing, but I nodded, moving my hand to guide hers onto my now rock-hard cock. She was eager to learn, stroking me with a slowly increasing tempo. I had to bite my lip to stifle a moan.

“Good, nice, and firm,” I instructed, demonstrating different techniques. “You can twist your wrist a bit as you stroke. Ooh yeah, just like that…”

Zoa giggled mischievously at how quickly she was getting me worked up. “I’m doing it right? You seem really into it…” She moved her other hand to cup and gently massaged my balls as she pumped me faster.

“Oh fuck, yes, don’t stop,” I groaned, my head tilting back. I could feel my orgasm building rapidly from her inexperienced but enthusiastic ministrations. “Zoa, I’m gonna cum soon…”

“I want to see it,” she said breathlessly. “Can I catch it in my mouth?”

I opened my mouth to protest, but before I could object, Zoa had leaned in and taken just the head of my dick between her soft lips. The sudden warmth and wetness made me lose it. With a strangled gasp, I started to blow my load.

Zoa’s eyes widened in surprise as the first spurt hit her tongue. But then she started to avidly lick and swallow, milking me for every last drop. I came so hard I almost blacked out, cum flooding her eager mouth.

When I finished, Zoa pulled off with a satisfied smile, licking her lips. A dribble of my spend escaped the corner of her mouth. “Mmm, not bad,” she giggled. “So that’s what cum tastes like. Pretty good!”

I sat there stunned for a moment, trying to process what had just happened. In the end, I just shook my head and laughed. “You’re such a fucking freak, you know that?” I teased. But I was grinning.

Finally, Zoa spoke up. “Um. I should probably…clean up…” She got up and headed to the bathroom, leaving me with my thoughts and a mess in my pants.

But then nature called, and I realized I needed to piss like a racehorse. Zoa’s door was cracked open as I passed by on my way to use her private en suite. That’s when I heard it. The unmistakable sound of flesh on flesh, breathy whimpers, my name falling from her lips like a litany of sin and need.

My heart was pounding as I stood frozen outside the bathroom door, palms sweating and fingers trembling. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Soft, desperate moans echoing from within, interspersed with my name uttered like a prayer. “YES! Y/N! I need your cock inside me… oh god, FUCK!!…”

Unable to stop myself, I slowed my steps until I stood outside the main bathroom, heart jack-hammering against my ribs. I shouldn’t be doing this. It was a horrible violation of privacy. But I was weak. So weak. Shifting my weight, I craned my neck just enough to peek through the narrow crack where the door failed to meet the jamb.

The sight that greeted my hungry eyes stole the air from my lungs. There in the candlelit gloaming, Zoa sat on the edge of the tub, one stocking-clad leg bent at the knee, the other splayed wide in obscene invitation. Her fingers moved between her parted thighs, plunging in and out of her glistening sex. The wet squelch of her arousal filled the air. A flush rode high on her cheeks, and her lips were parted around desperate little mewls. She looked so pretty like that, so wanton and needy.

Before I could think better of it, I acted on pure, primal instinct. In one swift motion, I twisted the knob and slipped inside, never taking my eyes off her. She startled at the intrusion, head whipping around to face me. Her eyes went wide with shock that quickly melted into something else. Something heated and hungry.

“Y/N? I… oh god, don’t stop…” she breathed, never ceasing the motion of her fingers. Her teeth dug into her lower lip as a particularly intense shudder wracked her frame. “Please, I need… I need you…”

An animal sound, something between a growl and a groan, ripped from my throat. How could I possibly deny her? Closing the distance between us, I sank to my knees before her, shouldering her hand aside to replace her fingers with my own. She was molten silk, clenching greedily at the intrusion.

“Fuck, you’re so wet,” I rasped, too far gone to care about the inappropriateness. I’d wanted this for so long, pretended I didn’t. How could I resist her now with her spread out before me, begging so sweetly?

“FUCK!,” she whimpered as I worked her closer to the edge, circling her sensitive little bud with the rough pad of my thumb. “Please, I need more. I need you inside me.”

“Zoa, god, you can’t… we shouldn’t…” I protested even as my cock strained against my zipper, aching to plunge into her welcoming heat.

“I need your cock. Fuck me, please,” she panted, glassy eyes boring into mine. “I’m so empty. Only you can fill me up.”

With a sound halfway between a curse and a prayer, I surrendered. Shoving my pants down just far enough to free my straining erection, I notched myself at her entrance. We both groaned as I forged forward, sheathing myself to the hilt in one long, smooth stroke.

“Oh fuck, you feel incredible,” Zoa gasped, nails scoring down my back as she wound her legs around my hips, heels digging into my ass. “So big. So deep. Ah!”

Zoa clung to me desperately, her nails scoring down my back as she met my thrusts. “Harder! Fuck me harder!” she wailed, her pussy clamping down on me.

She was perfect. Hot and tight and slick, rippling around me as if to pull me even further inside. I had to fight not to come right then and there like an overexcited teenager.

I set a hard, driving rhythm, the wet slap of skin on skin echoing obscenely in the small room. Zoa met me thrust for thrust, arching her spine to take me deeper still.

“Yes, fuck yes, just like that!” she keened, rolling her hips to take me to the root. “Don’t stop, don’t you dare stop!”

Pressure built at the base of my spine, molten heat pooling in my groin. I could feel my orgasm barreling down on me like a freight train. Desperate to bring her with me, I snaked a hand between us to find her swollen clit, rubbing tight circles around the sensitive bundle of nerves.

“Come for me, Zoa,” I commanded through gritted teeth, the pleasure almost too intense to bear. “Milk my cock. Squeeze me dry.”

“I’M C-CUMMING!” she wailed, spasming around me as her climax crashed over her. “Yes, yes, fuck yes!”

I could feel my own release fast approaching, my heavy balls drawing up tight. “Fuck baby, I’m gonna cum too! I’m pulling out, don’t want to knock you up. Pull away Zoa!” I panted harshly.

But the stubborn minx just tightened her legs around me even more, trapping me in place as she came with a scream. Her pussy clamped down on me like a silken vise, squeezing and rippling along my length. I roared as she milked me “Holy shit! I can feel your cum inside me!” spurting deep inside her as I emptied myself with long, hot pulses of cum.

We collapsed against the wall together, both of us gasping for breath. “Holy shit,” Zoa wheezed, her limbs still twitching with aftershocks. “That was… intense.”

I laughed, still buried inside her and enjoying the feeling of my seed painting her insides. “That it was,” I agreed, nuzzling into her sweat-dampened neck. “Imagine how much better it'll be when I'm not holding back.”

Zoa shivered and clenched around me at my low promise. She knew full well that was only the beginning.

[your-queer-dad]

hi dad,

I want to start by saying your blog is amazing and you help so many people, I hope you know that xx.

I'm in a bit of a situation and I hope you can give me some advice (no worries what so ever not, I'm sure you get a lot of these haha).

So, I really struggle making friends, but I've had one good friend for a couple of years, A. She's absolutely amazing, even with all the shit I put her through (I sh and I'm pretty sure I have an Ed and I'm autistic so I have no social skills whatsoever, sometimes it feels like she's more of a carer than a friend even though I try to keep that stuff from impacting her too much. It not her responsibility and I don't want her worrying) (I'm in therapy, so you shouldn't worry either)

Anyway A is just a bit too kind for her own good, one of our old friends she really didn't like and neither did I, but we just kinda stayed friends with her until we found out that she SA'd a girl, we talked to her about it asking if it was true and then she kinda dumped us. We were both relived. (Me doubly so, because if she'd done it to someone else it was less likely it was my fault, but that another (long) story). And I hate that it fulfills all of the stereotypes for trans girls, and all of the thing my very conservative family had warned me about.

And now A still has a friend called J, now I don't like J and A knows this even though I still respect their friendship and will chat with J when they sit with us. Lately A has been complaining to me about things J does that annoys her and even told me that she thinks they may be lying about an instance of SA they reported, which is HUGE. I'd considered that J might be exaggerating some details but outright lying.... And A and J have been friends for over a decade. It makes me really glad that I haven't told her about my own experiences. But it also makes my very uncomfortable because I worry that she doesn't really like me either and is just too nice to say, she invited J for a sleepover for her birthday same as me, so she could secretly hate me, and some of the things she's been complaining about I do too.

And to make matters worse, I feel she's been pulling away recently (she even forgot my birthday, which I said was fine, she was stressed and I didn't want to make a big deal of it and I din't invite her over of anything which in hindsight was probably a bit rude I just didn't have the energy to do anything that wasn't necessary, or even something that were, K haven't showered in way too long haha, but I'm still a bit hurt that she forgot.) ,and we've been sitting with a wider group of people, who have all been very nice and welcoming. But As made quick friends with K, which makes me really insecure about our friendship even though I know it shouldn't and A is allowed and deserves friends outside of me. And K been very nice to me too, but we're not really friends yet. I doesn't help that A and K are very allosexual and alloromantic witch is something they can bond over and a way to prove that trust each other. I am aroace and very closeted even though the whole friendship group and school really is really accepting. I'm still, ashamed I guess, my families conservative and ice never said it out loud and I don't feel ready to tell them. But their talking out crushes and deepening their relationship and I want in, and I don't want to appear standoffish, and I want to listen I want to be a part of this part of there lives even if I don't fully understand.

But A didn't tell me about her crush she told K, and when K started gossiping about her crushes she asked me if I liked men and I just shrugged ten she asked me if I like women I said I don't know and she didn't bring it up again. And then later when we were talking out her taste in men she said it felt like something she should be talking to A about and I asked her why. She asked me if I ever had thought like those (she was talking about wanting to rip men suits off, eww, haha) and I said no. I guess I just feel really excluded and insecure and I'm worried that they don't like me(I have no social skills, I'm pretty stupid, I don't hide my SH well enough and I'd do anything for a laugh or a little bit if attention even drink salt water) ( yes I'm mentally ill how could you tell? Haha)

But I don't want to do anything about it , I don't want to tell them I'm aroace and in worried about talking to them more (incase I'm annoying or they actually don't like me) or less (in case a sabotage the relationship, or they forget me, or they think I'm being standoffish)

I know Abby knows I appreciate her friendship but I'm worried that K doesn't, because I know I appear standoffish. I was thinking about inviting K to go rock climbing with me cause I love going and A doesn't and it would give me a chance to make propper friends with K maybe enough to forgive my quirks haha. But she was talking to A the other day and the exact approach I planned to use (I want to go rock climbing do you want to go with me) was thrown out as a way to ask for a date. So I don't want to do that any more in case it's read wrong, I know K likes girls too and add that asking her on a 'date' to the fact that in uncomfortable talking about her dating life I'm worried conclusions will be drawn.

But I don't know what else to do, short of just falling behind and letting the friendships fall apart. I already know A saw J outside of school without me. Idk, I just don't want to be alone.

Anyway sorry for the long ass rant, I hope you can give me some advice but no worries if not. Hope you have a good week 😊.

Bye dad.

(I have just realised how much I love brackets 🤣)

Hey kiddo! Thank you so much for reaching out! Honestly I think your plan to spend some one on one time with K and become better friends with her is a really good idea. I would also recommend maybe sharing your feelings about your friendship with Abby and communicating?

- dad x

[emotionalcraney]

Too Careless

Pavitr Prabhakar x gn!reader

Word Count - 1.3K

Genre - Stablished platonic relationship, pure angst

Warnings - Fighting (Oh no the horrors), feeling under appreciated, surprise ending cliffhanger???

Summary - You instantly knew who was behind the mask of the new hero appearing in Mumbattan; and of course it was your best friend Pav. This didn’t cause any problems in your friendship, at least at first. This ‘discussion’ was a long time coming, you just didn’t wan to admit it.

A/N - *Slaps roof of car.* This bad boy has so much angst, you probably can’t even imagine, Hey guys, so I found out the hard way that I really really like writing angst. Who would have thought? Anyways enjoy! 💖

It was just another sleepover with Pav.

Also known as your best friend.

And also as Spider-Man.

That’s what you both always did. You were hanging out with Pav in his room after school, doing your nails, and telling him all the gossip you heard in school that day.

“Yeah, to be honest, she’s got no way of getting out of this one. I mean who even sleeps with their best friend’s boyfriend?” You said as you filed your nails, preparing them for nail polish.

“Yeah, no idea why people even do that,” He responded as he scrolled his phone, looking for something very specifically.

“So, Pav, you hear about people trying to ‘unmask’ you at school?” Trying to make air quotes at the word unmask, you playfully brought up.

“Uh-huh,” Pav quickly and dismissively replied.

Noticing his ignorant behavior, you decided to test him, to see if he was purposefully not looking in your direction.

“They got some pretty good suspects, like the jocks, gym rats, even acrobats in our school.”

“Yeah.”

“No one suspects you.”

“Of course.”

“Except me, who already told the newspaper president to unleash the news to the world.”

“You’d never do that.”

“So you are listening! What gives?” You shouted frustrated as you got up and took his chin to make it face you, away from his stupid phone.

“Sorry! You know I love listening to you! I just heard that the city wants to award Spider-Man with a ceremony soon and I wanted to be the first to know! Mostly ‘cause I would be the guest of honor, you get me right?”

“Pav really? That’s amazing! Let me see! Let me see!” You quickly decided to sit next to him in his bed, waiting to see the exciting news.

He was absolutely correct. Mumbattan wanted to thank Spiderman for all his work in saving civilians, being a role model, and an overall bright person by giving him an award. The ceremony was to take place in about a week from now.

“See Pav? All your hard work is paying off! I’m so proud of you!” Giving him a sudden reassuring hug, you told him.

“Well, it’s nothing really.”

“Pav, no, I’m not letting you under-appreciate your efforts. You earned this!”

“I’m being serious! I just show up and things just kinda work out on their own.”

“Ok, Mr.Humble, you can stop now! Take it in! Enjoy it!”

“No! I’m being very serious right now! Ever since I became Spider-Man, people have been telling me about how hard and how much sacrifice I must be putting in, but that’s not true.”

Then he just stared at you, a serious and almost disappointed look in his eyes. His life had currently felt so carefree, so relaxing, so easy.

He didn’t really feel like a true hero.

Sure, there were times when he thought he might not be able to save everyone. But things always turned out okay.

Always.

Now, he was scared that one day, that might not be the case. And then, he wouldn’t know how to save someone.

“I’m sorry, Pav. I didn’t mean to be pushy,” You finally responded after a long pause.

“No, I’m sorry for snapping at you. That’s not cool, especially when the person I’m snapping at is you,” He said as he went up to you and held you by your shoulders.

“Okay. But, Pav, why didn’t you tell me before? You know you can talk to me about anything.”

“Sorry, I just… I didn’t really know how to talk about this one… you wouldn’t get it.”

Those words stung deeply.

Here you were, his number one fan, his support since day one, but…

You wouldn’t get it.

“I wouldn’t get it huh? What happened to, ‘we’ll face everything together?’” It truly made you unbelievably frustrated.

“It’s you and me?

Against everything that could possibly get in our way?

What about me?”

He didn’t know how to respond to that. You guys had been childhood friends forever. So close. Never apart. Always together.

How was he supposed to respond?

You had felt it too.

This year was the year that things started to crumble. Even if you didn’t want to admit it.

You guys did everything the same. Always going through the same motions. But that spark, the one that always made you wanna give your best into the friendship, it was gone.

It only made sense. After all, a lot of things had changed that year.

You wanted to put the blame on a lot of things, because, you didn’t want to admit the probability that you and Pavitr were changing.

No. Not yet. Please.

You sniffled.

Talk about pathetic…

He had no idea on how to comfort you. You’d never acted like this. With just the start of a common conversation, he now had you upset to the point of having you almost crying.

“Pav… I’m sorry…”

“No, it’s okay, I didn’t know that’s how you felt.”

“I didn’t even know how I felt… don’t blame yourself..”

Silence was all you could both muster for a second.

“Hey, I know things have been weird lately but-“

It had to happen. Just as you were both ready to share your emotions with each other, his phone rang with an alarm.

A robbery in progress.

All the way across town.

How did it come to this?

You looked at him disappointed for a moment. But then, you remembered what you promised him. To be there for him and to always encourage him to do good.

Those people were in danger.

You could wait.

You always had, so what was the difference?

“Pav… you better go. Or should I say Spider-man?” As you composed yourself, you tried to lighten the situation.

He looked at you in shock, not expecting this reaction from you. You were right, and he knew that. But he couldn’t help but feel guilty for having to put aside this very important conversation with you.

He was frozen in place.

So, you did what you knew best.

You gave him a little push.

“Hey, hurry up! Mumbattan needs you!”

That snapped him back to reality. Soon he got up and ready to embark into his next mission. He couldn’t place the reason, but he felt that something was off. You were acting as you’d always had, but something about your smile bothered him. It looked genuine, but it was hiding something, and he couldn’t figure out what it was.

He decided to let it go for the moment and he later found himself about to jump out of his window.

But, he turned back to give you one last glance.

“Go!” You simply whisper-shouted as to not alert aunt Maya.

But, behind his shiny and bright mask, he had a sad glint in his eyes. And very softly and gingerly he said:

“Thank you.”

And just like that, he jumped out into the busy streets of Mumbattan.

Those words meant more to you than he could ever know,

You knew the reason as to why you didn’t want your relationship with Pavitr to become distant. It was all his fault really.

He was the brightest, most lovable, most kind guy you’d ever met.

You’d fallen for him.

And he had no idea.

Instead, he was moving on. Moving on to loving someone else.

How long would you be okay with this?

How long would it take for you to accept change?

How much longer could you endure having him not know how you felt about him?

You had absolutely no idea as to how he couldn’t have figured it out before. It was as if he didn’t even care.

But that was okay.

Because for now, you were okay with that.

Okay with just waiting.

[rambosgirl]

🦉Positivity owl reporting for duty! This was sent by a friend who wants you to smile as much as your posts make them smile. Please list five things that make you unique, four things you are super passionate about and why, OR three of your favorite memories. Feel free to send the owl to those who you feel deserve to smile🦉

Awww I love this!

Five things that make me unique:

I'm very musical! I play the flute, piano, violin, ukulele, and sing.

I'm in college studying a combination of degrees, Animal Science and Psychology

I got married young (barely 20) and I'm loving every minute! (I also want a bunch of kids but pregnancy scares me so we're not gonna for a while) (Specifically I want a bunch of boys and a few girls cause I think it would be ADORABLE to have all the boys be so protective of their sister(s))

I'm such a girly girl. Ball gowns, makeup, frolicking through a meadow, all of it. I also have a tiara collection that takes up MUCH of my closet.

This is kinda weird but like... I get my period every 3 months instead of the usual 1. It's ver interesting in a 'idk what my body is doing - ever' kind of way

Four things I'm super passionate about:

Horse training!! It's what I want to do for my career, and I just feel so alive when I do it. I love building connections and friendships without saying a word, it just feels magical in a way

My family. I come from a family of 7, and we're super close. I have a special connection to all my siblings and parents (who did/are doing an amazing job), I just love them all so much. I know good families are something not everybody has, and that really makes my heart ache for anyone who doesn't have this (If this is you, know that family is something you can build with your friends and that you aren't alone, and I love you)

Going along with the horse training, my dream is to have a family farm where I can run my horse training business but ALSO raise my kids and be at least a little self-sufficient. (you never know when the zombie apocalypse is gonna happen XD) I want horses, cows, and chickens, and I've recently been thinking about goats too... Oh, and I want a big garden and orchard! I love fruits and berries, so lots of those. And flowers too

My religion! I feel like it allows me to be the best version of myself I can be, and the people are so nice :)

Three favorite memories:

My wedding day. It was rough, nothing went as planned bc of the rain we had to switch indoors (I dreamed of getting married at my aunt's ranch for my entire childhood and it didn't happen) we had close to no decorations bc they were at the ranch, just UGH! BUT! The people who came to my wedding were the best, they helped decorate, my dentist actually became the DJ, and I ended up having so much fun with my friends and family. Not to mention, I married my BFF, and now we have a sleepover every night (yay!)

I don't remember much of my childhood, BUT I love every memory I have of playing Barbies with my sisters. We always had the most unhinged plotlines to our games but there was always serious TEA. Looking back it was a fever dream but one I would love to go back to.

Any memory of my old project horses. I built special connections with them, and I love them so much. Especially with this one spicy Appaloosa mare, I would be working with her alone, she was SO wound up, mean, fearful, just everything. But I kept at it and got her to a place where she wasn't afraid anymore, and spending time with her became so peaceful I can't even put it into words. She still had her spicy personality, but to be honest I would not change that about her even if I could. She wouldn't be herself without it. It felt like we were in our own little world. And while I taught her a lot, I feel like she probably taught me so much more (I'm crying rn btw)

Dang, I needed this, thank you so much anon!! ;-;

[leslutdepointedulac]

For the inbox thingie! If you could go back in time and change one thing in your life (something you've done), would you or wouldn't you do it? Why?

Getting right into it I see. I respect that lmao.

So I feel like there's a million and one things I could say in response to this, and tbh there was thing in particular which came to me pretty much instantly, but that's a bit too much for now and I've never really spoken about it before so we'll go with something else instead 😂 😂

I'll put it under the cut just because, whereas it's not as personal and trauma dumpy as it could've gotten, it's still more than I initially realised lmfao. It's just old/new friend stuff so nothing actually traumatising or anything like that.

After I finished school a few years back now, I drifted away from all my old friends. I basically never really got back in touch with them. I should mention as well that they're all still friends with each other to this day, it's just me they're missing from the group.

But tbh, I don't think I would necessarily change that and get back in touch. Because despite our years long friendships, looking back I realise I was sort of the outsider in my own friend group. I was the quiet one who wore all black and listened to 'weird' music, and I never really liked the same things they did. Anytime they hung out, not only was I never invited, but I wouldn't even know that had happened until they were talking with each other about their sleepovers or whatever they'd done when we got back to school after the weekend. Their excuse for not inviting me was the same everytime: "We didn't think you'd want to come." Or "We figured you'd say no so we just didn't bother."

It hurt then but it's only really looking back now that I realise I was just kinda there. I wasn't really apart of the group. And I never felt like I could ever be myself around them either.

I always knew that wasn't the way things should be, but it's only now that I have my current friends, that I fully appreciate that. I'm not the outsider of the group anymore, I'm not the weird, quiet one, and despite the fact that I live miles away, even in different countries to all my friends now, I know that I wouldn't be left out of any irl interactions. And I'm not left out online either. I'm much better off with my friends now than my previous ones.

[sugaroto]

There's a lot I wanna say about uni and how I feel about the whole shit, but imma start by one thing for now

"Friends"

I'm gonna take it from the begging

The first 2 days I was hanging out with a group of girls that were... too straight-girly for my liking and toxic

And when I say straight girly I don't mean "I like pink" or shit focus on the TOXIC part

Examples:

*girl leaves*

Toxic *literally 2 seconds later* she's a weirdo isn't she? You agree with me don't you?

*next day* Let's keep her around she's fun. The *[name_of_her_hometown]* gurl. Omg

(She literally called her the "Το [μερος] γκερλ" [μέρος] as in where that girl was from)

Example 2

"I can't have guys friends, they ALWAYS end up hitting on me and ruining the friendship, I only want gay queens for bffs"

Those 2 examples are actually of the same toxic girl

Oh also she's independent since 14 and has been smoking since then #cool #not like the others girls or something

Now, to be honest that group had a bunch of people, mostly girls, she was the most annoying,

I ended up keeping in touch with one girl from that group who we're gonna call Keila (used random name generator) who was actually cool

Before uni started we also met Floretta who I really liked cause she watches the same shows like me, like anime or good omens etc that kind of stuff, oh and also books like 6 of crows, she also knew what all for the game was and wanted to read it

In class we met Jessi... and I'm not sure how to describe her

And Beatrix who I don't remember when she appeared but she seemed nice and have become real close with Floretta

I am giving a description of these girls, cause supposedly that was the group of friends I made

Now, an ironic thing, one of the first days I was out with Floretta, Jessi and Beatrix (I think Keila was out of town or something) one of them asked if we knew that trend "where people bring food of different colors to a house gathering"

And I replied that "Oh my friends actually did that last year but I wasn't invited"

Jessi said "I would have not let that slide! The audacity" and stuff, in which I kind of tried to justify my school friends, bc if we're being honest I was mostly hanging out with other people at the time, and I was not this close with the girl that the party was at her house

And they said stuff like "We'll involve you now, in the stuff we'll do and all"

Guess what they did

Guess who was the only person they did not invite in shit they did

Well, we did do stuff at first, we had a sleepover at someone's house, we went to the cinema together... that I think

We sat together in class and all, and I could see that some of them were closer with each other than I was but I still thought we were a friend group

We didn't really hang out much lately, and too be honest the last... 8? Weeks I hadn't left the house on the weekends, daily I would go to uni for class and the canteen to eat with them but on the weekends I would stay inside the house for the whole 2 days... which was probably kind of lonely

Oh btw, there was a group chat, but nobody sent anything, they stopped texting right after a few days, and too be honest there were 2 other girls in the gc who found other friends and we stopped talking so I kinda expected someone would make a gc of the supposedly friend group we had

Anyways the other week, one of our classes got canceled, I stayed in and the next day Keila was describing to a girl from class what happened last night at Floretta's home on a sleepover and how Jessi got drunk and Beatrix slept etc

So I'm realizing they all had a sleepover and didn't tell me, but I'm not the kind of person that would make a big deal out of it even if I felt bad or something. I guess it was a last minute thing cause class was canceled (?) And didn't tell me cause I live in a different town 5 minutes away

Later that day Keila was telling Beatrix something like "I sent her(Jessi) *something something* on the group chat"

So I realize there's a group chat I'm not a part of

btw that was on a Friday, oh also that day, I asked Keila which bus I should take if I wanted to go to jumbo

Later on Monday, I had a morning class which I only share with Jessi, we didn't really talk. And I took the bus to go to town and 2 hours later I saw all of them across the street

Turns out they were waiting for the same bus I was waiting to go to jumbo, (I was on the wrong side of the street) but I ended up talking with Floretta outside the bus while she was looking for her ticket like "hello" "Oh hi... what are you doing here?" "I'm going to jumbo" "oh cool us too"

And since we had the same destination we ended up going together, since we're also friends

And honestly I'm a little mad cause like Keila knew I wanted to go to jumbo, and Jessi saw me that morning, but no one told me hey why don't we all go together, but the 4 of them went

And I did feel like an outsider and had my own basket while they had their own, I didn't feel like putting anything I wanted into their shared basket since I wasn't in the plan

Does this even make sense its 3am

Anyways Floretta was also buying candles and balloons and decorations, and when we were in the elevator she told me "Oh by the way I may do something for my birthday on Sunday if you want to come" Μπορεί, Κυριακή, αν θέλεις, are not enough information to invite someone in your birthday

Especially when you pick out the decoration like "but girls, I don't want to celebrate it" and then go "μπορεί" may means you're still thinking about whether or not you do something about your birthday, also I don't know when and where, do I just show up at her house at 7am on Sunday? No?

I've gone uninvited to 2 birthday parties as a kid I'm not doing it again if you want to invite me do it properly

She obviously told me cause I was with her when she was buying everything, but wouldn't she end up informing her guests about the time and all when she decides what she does? She didn't text me anything or told me anything about it the rest of the week

So on the weekend, I saw two birthday stories, one from Keila on Saturday and one from Floretta on Sunday, I already explained Floretta

Keila, tried explaining herself to me when I saw her on Monday

Which personally... I find ... stupid?

That's what she told me: "I want you to know the reason I didn't invite you was because I wanted to do something small with only the people from [town] cause they live close, and I didn't want anyone to sleep over, cause my dad died, and my dad died I can't be doing parties. Shame" all in one breath. 9am I didn't not have the energy.

And GIRL. Seriously when you try to excuse it like that it sounds stupid. 1) I live literally 5 minutes away with the bus, the taxi costs 4€(considering in my island it costs 27€ I DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT SPENDING 4€ ON A TAXI) 2)If she told me "come to my birthday" I would not have brought my pajamas with me, I would have left with a taxi, I do not know why she assumed I would sleep there without her wanting me to sleep there

3)... I know what grieving is. I assumed she didn't invite me bc she wanted to do something small due to her father dying.

(Considering I am the only one she didn't invite, I don't know what huge difference I make but anyways)

Also. I don't know how to explain it but I feel it ridiculous that she tried to explain this to me. I stopped inviting people at my house after my uncle died.

And don't tell me anything like "but that's her father it's just your uncle" or some shit because of what I know it seems I had a much better relationship with my uncle than she did with her father

I know no matter what of person he used to be, she still lost him and will grieve him, but ... explaining those reasons to me?

I used to have a group of 11 people coming to my house almost biweekly and then I just stopped. It took me a long while to actually invite people over again cause I have forgotten how to do so, and the people that came were 2 really close friends. Only after a year did I ended up inviting over my bsf and 2 classmates(3 whole people) for board games

I know what grieving is.

And I know people can grieve in different ways

...but when you word it like that it just sounds like an excuse....

I assumed she didn't invite me bc of it but the whole paragraph? "Only from the town, no sleepover, dead father"

Honestly I had similar experiences when I was 12 and I have hated those kind of excuses since then. You did not invite me. For whatever reason. Okay. Making an excuse is worse. I don't care

And like as I said, I had assumed the grieving part was why and I was not planning to fight her about it. Her paragraph just makes me mad

I'm tired it's 3.30 am

I have a few more things I'll say tomorrow

[girlstressed]

the thing I had in place of a homoerotic teenage friendship was a weirdly homoerotic codependent friendship since my months were in the single digits to around the age of 11. And I know it’s a little weird maybe to call a friendship when we were kids homoerotic but….trust me. I don’t think the l relationship was romantic but like. It was gay, yk? I have this one homophobic relative who occasionally accused us of making out (didn’t happen) (she started doing this when we were 5 lmao). Or like. One time I hadn’t seen my friend in a month or so (a LOT for us) (she was at my house having a sleepover with me like every other weekend) and we were watching tv on the couch and I had my arm around her and my neck started to hurt kinda so I stretched my neck vaguely in my friend’s direction — not getting that close to her (even if I did it would have been fine w us) and my relative accused me of trying to kiss her. I don’t tell anyone this, but a small part of me liked that? When we got accused of that? I mean I didn’t like it bc that relative is homophobic and I’m getting accused of kissing my friend when our relationship wasn’t like that and that could have affected our friendship (it didn’t) and also she really thinks I’m dumb enough to kiss my female friend in front of my homophobic relative? But a small part of me did like being perceived that way. It was wrong in the actual accusation, but. Idk. She was like “my girl” to me. So seeing us as dating wasn’t accurate but it felt good. When we were younger I remember her saying she wanted to get married but didn’t wanna marry a murderer, and I told her “you could always marry me.” I don’t think I wanted to marry her, persay, but. I was willing?

anyway I regard this as worse because it began before I could walk or talk and ended abruptly. When I was a little younger than 11. Up until it ended, I had never remembered life without her or our relationship that had seeped into my identity. And we don’t really talk anymore. She moved, and wants to leave the past behind. And I am very much apart of the past. I don’t think she even remembers most of this.

oh, I should add, we are both some type of queer now. (I believe she is bi and I’m a lesbian probably maybe idk still kinda in denial. She doesn’t know I’m not straight)

TO BE CLEAR anon did give me permission to post this but oh my gosh . i always say that there’s no such thing as a unique experience but every one of these homoerotic codependent friendship stories like knocks me out (figuratively) because GOD DAMN . were we all going through it as children or what

its crazy to me that someone can have such a big impact on your formative years and then just not be part of your life anymore -> i was talking about my version of the homoerotic friendship/relationship and how there is a part of my life where i cant recall a single day i didnt spend with the girl and now we have each other blocked everywhere and obviously don't talk

im really sorry that the whole experience ended up souring for her (and you) :( im a big believer that people that are meant to be in your life will come and find you and i honestly doubt she doesn't remember any of it (since it seems like it was a very, like, impactful couple of years?) i hope that you can find closure about all of this

the fact that you realised you were sort of queer at such a young age boggles my mind but at the same time i guess we all have different ages of like realization -> not really surprised ur both queer especially considering *gestures vaguely* all that

re: lesbianism still kind of in denial why are you in denial out of curiosity?

[milarqui]

Scarlet Lady: Intermission

Directory | Dark Cupid

It was finally Friday, and also finally the end of classes. And the girls were going to take advantage of it!

Granted, they were planning to study for their exams, but it was also a chance to have fun together.

“It was really nice of you to invite Chloé to our study sleepover, Marinette!” Rose cheered, smiling, while Marinette gave a more strained smile.

“Yeah, well... it was nicer of her to rip up the invitation,” she replied, remembering Mme. Bustier's face when Chloé made her choice.

“But did you have to invite Lila?” Alya complained.

“Alya, Lila is five times cooler than Chloé,” Marinette said, knowing that her friend still had a bone to pick with the Italian. “And I can't exclude people.”

“Yeah, Alya.”

Yeah, she was going to have her hands full with these two.

----

Meanwhile, the boys gathered together at Kim's suggestion.

“If the girls are gonna hang out, we should too!” he suggested, and everyone else let out a “YEAH!” in response.

“What should we do?” Nino asked.

“Movie? Museum? Arcade?” Ivan offered and Adrien lit up with the last one.

“Wow, I've never been to an arcade before!” he commented.

“Alright, arcade it is!” Nino said, and Adrien put his arms around Nino's and Nathaniel's shoulders.

“YEAH!”

“Let's win Adrien all the Marigold merch!” Kim said, and Adrien was shocked out of his enthusiasm.

“YEAH!” the others yelled.

“Wait, no!” he tried to interrupt.

Yeah, he had forgot to mention that little tidbit the other week...

----

School had finally let out, and Ondine and Kagami were making their way home: since the latter's house was on the way to the former's, they had made it a habit to walk together.

“It's too bad we couldn't go to Marinette's sleepover,” Ondine commented as they passed by an arcade. “Practice is really ramping up.”

“Yes. It's unfortunate, but my mother must remain ignorant of my friendships. Excluding Adrien,” Kagami replied, which was yet another thing Ondine thought was quite messed up with Kagami's mother. She chose not to comment on it, though.

“Almost, almost!”

“Aw, you dropped it!”

She recognized that voice, and turned to see that it was indeed her boyfriend.

“Kim?”

“Wuh-hey! It's Ondine!” Kim cheered up.

“Ondine!” Max said. It was clear Kim had come out with his friends, and since she was with Kagami... perhaps it was time to help her friend meet more people?

“Hey guys! Come meet Kagami!”

“Right now?!” Kagami asked, shocked. Oh, right, she was kinda bad at this. Well, as her best friend, it was her mission to help Kagami come a bit out of her shell!

----

“Hey, Kagami!” Adrien said as he arrived, and Kagami quickly clinged to him.

“Hello, Adrien.”

“You guys know each other?” Ivan asked.

“Yeah! We have fencing together!”

Kim gave Adrien a knowing look.

“So you know each other, or you know each other?”

“Huh?” Kagami said, confused. Adrien realized what was the meaning and waved his friend off.

“Oh, no, we're just friends!”

Kagami tugged on Adrien's sleeve.

“I thought we were good friends!” she said, and Adrien took her hands in his.

“You're absolutely right, I'm so sorry.”

Nino watched with bemusement.

“You guys are definitely giving the wrong impression,” he said, bringing the two Marigold dolls he had got out of the claw machine. “Here you go, dude!”

“Thanks, but you don't have to,” Adrien said, while Kagami kept her eyes on the dolls that resembled her favorite hero so much. “I don't have a crush on Marigold.”

“Whaaat?” Nino said, surprised – so much that he didn't notice Kagami stealthily picking one of the dolls. “I'm so lost, who do you like? You wrote that poem for someone.”

“It's Marinette, right?” Ivan suggested.

“Marinette for sure!” Ondine said.

“It's obviously Marinette,” Kagami added.

“WHAT?!” Kim shouted, and Adrien turned to see him, Nathaniel, and Max loaded up to the gills with the stuff they had won. “So you don't want this stuff?!”

“Oh my Lord,” Adrien said, shocked.

Even with Kagami taking one or two things, Adrien had found his arms full of Marigold merchandise, so much that he found himself unable to open the car's passenger door. Thank goodness Nino was there, even if he was still embarrassed.

“Dude, I can't believe how wrong I was!” he apologized. “I'll step up my game, promise!”

“No worries, Nino! See you tomorrow!”

----

As Adrien got into the car, he noticed that he had his arms full of merchandise from the heroine, Marigold. It looked like he was unable to fasten his own seatbelt, so he waited until he could put everything in a secure place and fasten his seatbelt – Mr. Agreste was always very clear that, save for emergencies, Adrien had to be secured before the car even started – which was hard because Adrien didn't even know how to put things without covering the car's floor.

Then Adrien looked at him and waved one of the objects, and he nodded. Carefully grabbing the statuette of Marigold wielding her weapon, he smiled.

This was going to go into his collection.

----

“Sir, Adrien is on route home,” Nathalie said, picking one of the grapes from the dish in front of her.

“Thank you, Nathalie.”

“It was kind of you to allow him to go, Master,” Nooroo complimented, taking advantage of the fact that, for once, Gabriel did not seem to be ready to akumatize someone else.

“Bah. Who knows what my son would do to retaliate if I denied him,” Gabriel complained. “He might wear crocs.”

“Adrien's rebelliousness has been increasing since he started school,” Nathalie noted, although the memory of him cursing at her before his first day at Françoise Dupont was still fresh in her mind. She ate the grape, savoring the mix of sweet and sour.

“True,” Gabriel admitted, “but the alternative is having him wander the house and discover our plans.”

“I'm home!”

Quickly, Nooroo hid away to avoid being seen by Adrien, and Gabriel and Nathalie looked towards the lobby... where they found Adrien walking in.

Wearing Marigold antenna.

And with an armful of miscellaneous Marigold merchandise.

“My friends scored!” Adrien happily said, unaware of how uncomfortable the two adults were feeling. “You want any of this?!”

Gabriel chose to reject the offer, but she decided to pick the spinning top: it was the most inoffensive of all the objects in the pile, and she felt a bit of comradeship with the younger girl, even if they were in opposite sides of the fighting.

“My son, a Marigold fan,” Gabriel lamented, covering his face.

“It's only natural, sir. She is a hero, after all,” Nathalie replied, testing the toy. “Look at it this way: at least, he's admiring the smart Marigold and not the incompetent leader, Scarlet Lady.”

Gabriel struck the table in an uncharacteristic fit of anger.

“Scarlet Lady is not incompetent! She's the slipperiest of the whole group!”

“Ah, of course, Sir,” she replied, trying to mollify him... even though she knew very well the real reason why he said that.

Because if she was an idiot, you'd be the guy losing to that idiot.

----

Chez Marinette, the hour was getting late, and it was clear that they had worked hard – and their minds were exhausted. Marinette palmed the table and stood up.

“Studying, done! Let's party!”

“YAAAAY!” the girls said in unison.

“I gotta charge my phone, go ahead and get into PJs!”

While the girls took turns to change their clothes, Marinette ran upstairs: she did need to charge her phone, but she mostly wanted to check on the one being that lived in her room, hidden in a part of her wardrobe.

Her phone was now charging – but also prepared to cue some videos. The spicy chips bag was opened just enough to allow Pollen to access its contents without risking an accident. And the bed was just perfect for her.

“Do you need anything else, Pollen?” she asked the kwami, who smiled at her.

“This is more than enough, my Queen! Thank you for such hospitality!”

Marinette picked Pollen up and gave her a sweet kiss in the head, causing the kwami to blush slightly.

“I just want to make sure you're taken care of. Let me know if you need anything!” she said, helping Pollen into the bed. “See you for patrol later!”

As the first video of the list began, Pollen pondered something.

Am I the Queen?

----

Now dressed in their pajamas, the group had sodas and popcorn ready while waiting for their pizzas to arrive, and Alya leaned down towards Alix.

“Hey, Alix, why do you hang with Lila and Sabrina?”

Alix turned to her classmate with a quizzical expression.

“Huh?!”

“I mean, aren't they a bit girly for you?”

Alix admitted it might look like that, but she wouldn't let that pass.

“Sure, they go shopping and dress up with each other,” she said, looking as Lila laughed at an imitation Sabrina was making, “but they're fun. I like talking to them. Isn't that enough?”

She pulled her phone and opened the photo folder.

“Besides, they're sportier than they look,” Alix finished, opening the photo from the last roller derby game, and Alya felt her jaw drop.

“WOW.”

It certainly deserved the shocked expression: Sabrina's look of utter wrath as she threw another skater into the ground, while Lila cheered in the background with a maniacal face, was something she had never expected from her 'girlier' classmates.

“Yeah,” Alix sagely nodded, “they got a lot of rage to work out.”

---

Meanwhile, Juleka had offered to do make up for all the others, which they gleefully accepted: Juleka could make wonders with the most basic of supplies, and she had brought a very diverse set of makeup tools to the pajama party.

Of course, that gave everyone free range to speak of personal matters, and for Mylène – who was currently in Juleka's capable hands – there was a matter she was really curious about.

“I never got to hear how you two got together,” she said, nodding at Juleka and Rose, who was acting as Juleka's 'assistant'. Rose giggled.

“You could say it took a while for us to get on the same page!”

“Huh?”

----

“Wanna get ice cream?” Rose asked.

Does she mean as a friend? Juleka thought, blushing.

----

“Will you go to the movie with me?” Rose asked, blushing.

As a friend, right? Juleka thought, uncertain.

----

“I love you, Juleka,” Rose said, kissing her for the first time.

As a friend?! Juleka thought, her face burning from the clash of thoughts. And because Rose's lips felt really nice against hers.

----

Juleka tried to push back those embarrassing moments to the back of her head, and turned to do her wonders on the party host.

“Is there someone you like, Marinette?” she asked, and Marinette smiled.

“There is, but... I don't think I should go for it.”

“Why not?!” Rose cried out: she was a sucker for romance stories, and seeing her friend lose hope in her own romance was something she disliked.

“He's a very busy guy with an erratic schedule, and I've been getting busier myself,” Marinette explained. “It's just not fair to either of us. I'm doing what I can to support him.”

Juleka pulled a spray and aimed at Marinette, who closed her eyes.

“Well, don't forget you have other options,” she said, pressing it.

“'Other options'?” Marinette asked, just as the doorbell rang. Shaking her face off, she rushed to the door.

“Pizza for you!” the delivery boy said, and she smiled when she saw who it was.

“Luka!”

Marinette picked up the boxes – feeling her face getting as warm as the pizzas – and invited Luka inside while she got the cash.

“Hey, Jules,” Luka said, greeting his little sister.

“Guys, this is my brother, Luka,” Juleka presented him.

“Hey, Luka,” Lila intervened, entranced. “Are you Juleka's older or younger brother.”

“Older,” Luka said, smirking.

“How much older?” Lila insisted.

“Older.”

Lila pouted at being denied such critical information about the cute boy in front of her, but her interrogation was interrupted when Marinette returned with the money.

“Here, Luka,” she said, adding a tip for the boy's work. Luka smiled at her.

“Thanks. You look really pretty, Marinette,” he said in an appreciative tone, making her blush even harder.

“T-Thanks!”

The moment was interrupted when Juleka grabbed a cushion.

“Okay, time for dumb boys to get out,” she declared, slamming the cushion on Luka's face.

“AH!” Luka complained, causing Alix to laugh as he tried to regain his dignity and left. The girls picked up everything they'd need for dinner and placed it around the table.

That was when Sabrina found a box full of toys and dolls.

“Huh? Marinette, what's all this stuff?” she asked, curious, and Marinette turned to her friend.

“Oh, that,” she said, picking the Marigold doll she had crafted a couple of weeks before. “It's for when I babysit! I had to make my own because they used to not make any. Scarlet Lady only worked with expensive brands, you know.”

The girls approached the box and checked Marinette's creations: they were all hand-crafted and very well detailed representations of most of the heroes and Akumas that had shown up since past September, and even if they were a bit of a bad memory for some of them, they thought they were cute, and began to pick one or two.

Meanwhile, Alya scratched the back of her head: Marinette's comment about Scarlet Lady had shaken her a bit.

“Uh. Well, she has an important job! She deserves royalties, right?” she suggested.

“Ha!” Lila laughed. “Royalties for what, sitting on her butt while being a glory hound?””

Alya's eye twitched.

Teams had formed.

On Team 'Scarlet Lady' stood Alya (with Small WiFi), Mylène (with Pebbleheart) and Rose (with Mini-Reflekta).

“Why, you–!” Alya said, her hand itching to close around Lila's neck for a moment. “She's a hero! Everyone knows she's the best!”

On Team 'Heroes' were Juleka (with Xiaomaotif) and Sabrina (with Rogersmall and Vanishrinker)

“I don't really care,” Juleka said.

“Yeah, all the heroes work hard, right?” Sabrina asked.

Alya turned to the last team, formed by Lila (with Volpiccona), Alix (with Timecracker) and Marinette.

“Well?”

“She's the worst,” Marinette declared, thus giving name to Team 'Worst', while Lila stuck her tongue and Alix laughed.

“Marinette!” Alya shouted, and tackled her friend to pull her cheeks.

Ignoring the roughhousing, Sabrina checked over the doll of her own Akuma, remembering how she had become Vanisher.

“Y'know, Chloé is probably Scarlet Lady's biggest fan, but I never understood why. She'd even say they're best friends even though I never saw them together,” she said, shaking her head. “But maybe that's why she started blowing me off.”

“Hm,” Lila mumbled, picking Volpiccona. “Don't forget, Scarlet Lady's never humiliated Chloé like she did me. Maybe she's telling the truth.”

“Hmmm...” Lila's words were correct. Perhaps Chloé and Scarlet Lady were, somehow, friends?

“YEAH, RIGHT!” Alix exclaimed, and all the girls began to laugh at how absurd the idea was.

“As if Chloé could stop herself from posting pics all over the place!” Lila mocked the rich girl.

“More like Chloé thinks they're BFFs!” Alya cracked up.

----

The girls had gone to sleep in a good mood, and were now laying around, in different states of sleep, but all likely to remain so for the rest of the night.

All... but one of them.

As soon as she was certain the others would not wake up, Marinette carefully stood, tiptoed around the insensate bodies of her friends (particularly to avoid Juleka and Rose, who looked very cute together) and walked up to her room, where she carefully woke up her kwami.

“Ready, Pollen?” she asked, and the kwami smiled up to her.

“Mhm!”

“Buzz On.”

Opening the window as silently as possible, Marigold jumped out of her room and into the roofs of Paris, keeping an eye on potential trouble like thieves: Paris being what it was, it was not uncommon for problems such as those to appear.

However, it looked like tonight would be a calm night, as she made her way towards her accorded meeting point – where her Chat Noir was already waiting for her.

“Hey, Minou,” she greeted, landing next to her partner, who smiled at her.

“Hey, Goldie!” he greeted back as she sat next to him. “Thanks for taking on patrols, Marigold. Scar wouldn't even consider it.”

“No problem,” Marigold replied.

“Seriously, ever since you showed up, it's like I can finally relax. Even my civilian life doesn't feel like I'm drowning anymore!”

Marigold blushed slightly, looking aside with a pleased smile. This was the kind of vindication she had wanted to hear, and it felt so sweet.

“M-Merci,” she thanked with a minimum of stumbling.

“Oh!” Chat Noir exclaimed, pulling a hairband with antennas from behind him and offering it to her. “By the way, your popularity is on the rise! For you.”

“For real?” Marigold said, softly laughing. “Should I look for matching ears?!”

But, still, she put the hairband on. It was a present from Chat Noir, and she liked what it represented.

And after that, they kept talking. She didn't know why, but... she always felt so at ease when talking with him! It was so wonderful, not just because of what they had in common, but also because he was so nice.

But all good things had to end, and she brought up a particularly important matter.

“Master Fu said Scarlet Lady wasn't supposed to have the earrings,” she said.

“Yeah, he did.”

“Should we do something about it?”

“Hm.” Chat Noir put his hand to his chin. “Never really stopped to think about it. Sure, Scar does the bare minimum, but if we ever came close to defeating Hawkmoth? I don't think she'd give up her Miraculous willingly.”

Marigold clenched her fist. She had known for long how self-serving Scarlet Lady could be... and she could easily believe that she could fall that low.

“What about her kwami?” she asked. Knowing that one of Pollen's friends was in the hands of Scarlet Lady was distressing enough.

“Tikki?”

“Yeah. Can't she take the Earrings herself?”

Chat Noir shook his head, sighing.

“It's not that easy, or Nooroo would've nabbed the Butterfly Miraculous a long time ago. There are rules that kwami are bound to, apparently. Plus, Plagg says Tikki is particularly duty-bound. So long as Nooroo is in danger, she'll prioritize him over herself.”

“Poor Tikki,” Marigold complained. “It just doesn't seem to be fair.”

Chat Noir said nothing, but Marigold knew that his silence was in agreement.

The two of them watched the stars... and they thought of what the future might bring.

----

Animan

@zoe-oneesama Let's take a break, with fun times... and also the memory of Tikki being in the hands of a horrible boss.

Since we know that the Chat Noir and Marigold dolls are officially named Chaton Noir and Minigold, I thought about giving the other dolls special names.

* Stoneheart -> Pebbleheart (a pebble is a small stone)

* Maotif -> Xiaomaotif (xiao mao means little cat)

* Vanisher -> Vanishrinker (since the doll is like shrinking Vanisher)

* Volpina -> Volpiccona (piccola means "small" in Italian)

* Timebreaker -> Timecracker (if you try to break something but can't, maybe it just cracks)

[kedsandtubesocks]

okie okie, i'm a little late to the sleepover but i have the stuff to make shirley temples and pina coladas and i also have this: 💌 💗 (please have this ancient wip that i don't think i'll be continuing for reasons, but i was pretty proud of it. kinda. context removed so let your imagine run wild lMAOOO)

He shoots you an impish grin and procures a TV remote. No… He can’t possibly have… You open your mouth to protest, but he hits a button and the screen comes to life. The image quality isn’t as good as the photos but... A foreign, yet hauntingly familiar sound echoes throughout the room. You whip your head around to look at your aides, and neither of them will meet your gaze, clearly recognizing what it is they’re hearing. This is the absolute worst, you’ve never felt so humiliated in your entire life. Another gasp erupts from the speakers, and you hiss at your attendants, “Leave!”

One of them looks up, clearly worried.

“Leave, I said! All of you!” you repeat, your plea a desperate roar. The aide squeaks and she and the other girl quickly scramble out the room. You turn back toward the bratty prince, who shoos away his own attendants with a wave. Once the two of you are the only ones left in the room, you direct all your attention to that bastard, who crosses his legs, looking rather pleased with himself.  

“Seeing as you put so much effort into gathering all of...this,” you choke on the word. You don’t know what else to call it though. “Clearly, you want something, so what is it?”

He tilts his head and offers you a friendly smile, “You, princess.”

Your jaw nearly drops. What did he just say? He’s joking, isn’t he? It’s just one word, one simple word, but your mind can’t seem to process it. “I… I… I’m sorry I… I think I misheard you.” “You,” he seems almost happy to repeat it. “I want you.”

NIKU YOU ARE NEVER LATE!! As one of the best songs of our generation sang…now the party don’t start till i walk in, and that’s you ☺️

Also YES SEND IN LETTERS AND SWEET THINGS!

💌: my favorite thing about you

Niku I love how open you are, and I mean that in a way that you feel like a beautiful breeze fluttering in! You are so warm and easy to talk to! I still feel like that one kid sitting alone in the cafeteria too worried to talk and ppl think I’m annoying…and then you show up so effortlessly like we’ve been friends forever and it feels now like we have and I know it’s just because of how open you are, maybe it’s because of our Scorpio Scorpio friendship and Scorpios are mysterious little creatures but you are so lovingly open in a way that reminds me of a friend always there to talk about anything and give true advice! I appreciate your beautiful presence in my life so much ♥️

💗: send me a piece of your writing and I will English major analyze and gush over it

Okay first off I know this is a snippet but you gave me a whole layered story…one of my professors says if you can cut out a piece of your story and it can stand on itself it means you created something with substance and truly grasped story telling in the details and I see that here

I got the tension and the way we’re in the middle of a struggle between these two and then the way you described the small details??

From the “impish grin” to the way the sounds echo in the room it gives such a texture to your writing that I love!!

And then your dialogue…goodness you have such a way with dialogue that I can hear the voices so clear and it flows together like a wonderful dance!!

I LOVED THIS SO MUCH HONESTLY!!!

Okay but this made me way more 😭🥺 than I realized I would because I did this all the time in college in my workshop classes so it’s making me emo about that but also knowing how much of an honor it is to dissect and read writing from a friend I’m just…yeah 🥺

[mizufae]

This happened to me in college MULTIPLE times.

I hung out in the honors dorm a lot and was friends with one of the chief nerds of the group, and he had a couple friends in his year who I liked okay enough but didn’t really get along with. Then I mentioned it was Yom Kippur and how that was my favorite holiday and suddenly they were like LET’S HANG OUT. Cut to a couple months later, I had gone out to eat with them on a regular weeknight, something I’d done multiple times at this point, and then we headed to someone’s house for a meetup. And it turned out to be a worship meeting, and it was “non denominational” but it was absofuckinglutely Christian, and I was like “I don’t believe in any of this and I am not comfortable here” and hung out in the other room reading a book even though they tried to tell me I didn’t need to pray with them and that since I believed in god I was super duper welcome yadda yadda. Well, I told them that actually, I didn’t believe in god and yet I was still Jewish, and that I was mad that they weren’t upfront about what the deal was with this gathering and if I’d known I would have gone home after dinner. Cut to a week later and they never really spoke to me again, and when I saw them at my nerd friend’s place they were blandly polite.

Another time when I was younger and still living at home, my long time close friend had a party during which she invited a bunch of friends from church as well as me and a group of our school friends, I think it was a summertime kinda hangout grill party? Anyway there was a group of kids from the church who she introduced me to, and I was like “ah yes, the Christians” and they were like “huh?” And I was like “oh well I’m Jewish and have basically been teaching her all about our holidays and stuff for years, I’ve always wondered who she spent time with on Sundays” and suddenly they were all, oooh you are sooo funny, you are sooo interesting, let’s spend the party hanging out, let’s meet up to go shopping next week, omigod have you heard Britney’s new single, etc etc etc and I was like, weird but okay. A couple hangouts later they were like, we’ll see both of you at church on Sunday right?? And my friend was like “oh I don’t know, my mom said I didn’t have to go anymore if I didn’t want to now I’m older” and I was like “hell no, remember I’m Jewish” and they not only never engaged with me again, they also were standoffish to my friend when she DID go to church! Fucking rude squared!

Another time I’m pretty sure my refusal to attend Sunday services after a Saturday night sleepover led to a newish friend’s parents refusing to let me come over again. The more I think back on it the more I suspect I’ve unknowingly run into this time and time again, cuz wow I have a lot of unexplained failed friendships and people just ignoring me after I have one too many deep philosophical conversations.

something that rly creeps me out…..occasionally ill see videos or articles for christians or christian missionaries that say something like “what you need to do is make friends with non christians and really get them to trust you and THEN you start preaching to them and bringing them to jesus” and that is….man how much would it hurt to know that the only reason someone’s hanging out with you is to convert you to a religion you were never interested in. maybe this is a real friend, someone you really really feel like you connect to, and all of a sudden you cant hang out with them without being scared they’ll bring out the jesus stuff.

[the-lark-ascending69]

Opinions about the Drea/Eleanor/Gabbi polycule?

I have mixed feelings about Drea/Eleanor, because in one hand I ADORE seeing a friendship between a straight girl and a lesbian being treated as perfectly normal by both the narrative and the characters. I feel like that's something really necessary. Lesbians are normal girls just like any other and we should be allowed to be girls in peace, comfortable and happy with our girl friends, without being like... boy-adjacent, you know, the one babydyke at the sleepover who looks away when her friends change clothes because she knows they wouldn't want a boy seeing them, and she feels the way most boys feel about girls, so... isn't that kind of the same? Or worse: girls making her feel this way. I know I really felt that at 15 when word got around at school that I liked girls, when suddenly all girls around me were carefully and exaggerately avoiding my touch. Goodbye hugs! Goodbye hair braiding! Goodbye cheek kisses. No girl wants to be near the lesbian. So Eleanor and Drea's friendship is special to me.

At the same time, there is no fucking heterosexual explanation for some of their behavior, like gosh the homoerotic rage, the sexual tension, the desire to destroy each other! I stand by my teenage years motto for this one: being a lesbian is not about loving and being loved by girls. It's about resentment and fear (I was a very angst, very edgy teenager lol). I just love ships where the two people involved want to kill each other, literally or not. Toxic evil sadistic hard dom lesbian maya hawke is so hot i'm sorry 😭😭 On a more serious note, I find the idea of Drea's homophic violence ruining Eleanor's life only for Drea to then fall in love with her later on fascinating. Maybe love is violence maybe love is cruelty nnnghnhn like what if she did it because she liked her what if she hated her because she loved her what if she wanted her to suffer because love is loathing awooo woof woof awooo

Anyway, um, I would need to watch the movie again to elaborate on this, but I like the idea of Drea falling in love with Eleanor as she watches Eleanor fall in love with Gabbi and being overcome by jealousy. She denies it, of course, but it makes her so mad to see them together. She thought Eleanor was supposed to be her friend (hers!), not a little lesbian slut to her ex's sister. She gets increasingly aggressive, possibly makes Eleanor cry, triggers Eleanor's evil arc etc etc, events of the movie transpire as normal.

She tries to act supportive and normal but she can't help but feel her jealousy show. Gabbi even points it out, but Eleanor dismisses it as Drea just being kinda insane and sick in the head (affectionate). That kinda turns her on tho. Gabbi, I mean. She likes them sick in the head and a little evil. She suggests they invite her over to "spend the night" (✂️✂️✂️), and Eleanor thinks she's kidding, but nope, Gabbi would love to give this a try, plus, she can see the sexual tension between those two from miles, and she thinks it'd be hot to watch them make out.

Ummm I'm just gonna jump on to my main headcanon, which is that Eleanor has always been kinda the hard dom of the relationship, while Gabbi and Drea are more on the submissive side so... now she's got two beautiful girls who will let her do anything she wants to them 🥰

[what-if-nct]

hi!!! mind if i ask for some advice >-<, i'm in high school and i think my best friend likes me more than platonically. i've kinda had an inkling since we both kinda tested the waters at homecoming (barely, we only almost kissed) but that was the only instance i've ever done anything, bc i've never seen her in that light ever :( (multiple parts bc this is long im sorry 😭)

like that and i dont want to hurt her feelings. i'm also confused bc she ALMOST never says anything about it sober, and even talks about liking someone else. another iffy thing is when i talk about the guy i have feelings for she kinda shuts down almost? and just does not entertain that part of me, going as far as to "revoking my bisexual card" bc i talk too much about him, and i think shes only halfjoking. to be fair, i barely talk about him anymore, hes just such a cutie patootie >-<i think things got particularly bad when i was at her's last night for a sleepover, with our other best friend (H). we took a few edibles and when they started to kick in my friend legit jumped into my lap and got pretty cuddly, until my legs went numb haha. i got up and sat next to H for a while bc we were doing slideshows (mine was getting them to rate my kpop biases lol)and when we were done H and I were both greening out, like bad, i was getting anxious, legit thought i was in another dimension and like lucid dreaming or some shit, and H and i ended up just going out cold clinging to eachother (i went home and slept 26 hours straight, no exxageration 😭) and when we finally woke up bsf1 seemed kinda off :(idk what to do or if i should really say anything bc she's an emotional person and i really don't want to ruin our friendship or hurt her :/// any advice? if not its okay bc i also just needed to vent so tysm for hearing me out <33 hows life going for you? anything bringing a more than normal amount of happiness?

It definitely does seem like she might have feelings for you. And I think talking it out would be the best bet but more so go about in just asking how she's feeling in general because there could also be another factor in her behavior toward you and really try to listen to and understand her feelings and go from there. I myself I had a crush on a friend in highschool and I'm super dismissive and wishy washy about my crushes and she knew that and just said it'll pass and hugged me which is true it did pass. So try to remember how she handles crushes and use that as a guide to navigate how you go about talking about it. That's the best advice I have I just noticed with friends it's always tricky but it's always the best to have a conversation I really hope that was of some help. And I'm doing fine, I've been talking to a boy, he's very cute and very sweet and I'm trying to not get my hopes up but I might be seeing him soon I hope.

[queenoffantasyland]

So about whatshisname…

First off, I will admit this is kind of an intense overshare to just dump onto Tumblr, but I’m a millennial with a lot of emotions and this is what we do. In order to protect a semblance of anonymity, I have changed names and kept locations vague. But I am pouring this all into a Google Doc because I have still been processing how in less than a year a person went from a mild acquaintance to one of the most important people in my life and then it only took another year for him to become somebody that I used to know. They say hindsight is 20/20, but it still feels like I can see the traffic light but the blurred sunbursts of colored lights obscure the path ahead of me necessitating another lens to see things clearly.

So as the dulcet tones of Julie Andrews remind me: the beginning is a very good place to start. Being social has not been my strong suit. From about 2nd grade to my early 20s I straight-up didn’t have friends. On multiple occasions I was told I was “too much” and between repeated rejection from friendships, a cross-country move, and 4 middle schools later I understood that there were people that would allow me to sit at their table for lunch but did not want to engage with me socially once the final bell rang. No sleepovers, no birthday parties, no “let’s go to the movies and then get Taco Bell.” Likewise, if making friends was this unattainable– dating or flirting with guys in my teen years was completely off the table. But I had given myself the hope that I just needed to move back to California and go to college, where I’d find my sitcom-like circle of friends and the perfect guy and be happy.

College at first gave me hope but it was very clear, very soon, that I was the seventh wheel in the group. I had social engagements that I went to now but I was only included as the roommate of the effervescent Vocal Performance major that could flirt with the best of ‘em. Fortunately, my roommate's shitty boyfriend went to church with Daphne, who ran in different social circles but also liked talking about pop culture and wasn’t put off by the intensity of receiving a Powerpoint of TV recommendations. We stayed “periodically texting each other” friends even as I left the university I was attending. Being away from family and in an environment where my worst impulses were fully unregulated, and my deep loneliness had not been solved by leaving my small town prompted my mental health to spiral downward. So my parents had me transfer to a college on the East Coast to live with my sister as a hail mary attempt getting me to fit the plan every boomer parent sets out for their daughter: focus on your grades, go to college, meet someone to marry, get a good job, get a house, etc. It was at this new college that I entered a deep depression that was truly the darkest time of my life. It became clear that higher education was not for me, and I moved back to California to live with my parents and work full-time.

The only thing keeping me from my darkest thoughts and helping me hold on during this period was finding my people in online fandom communities. Finding other women out there who thought about fictional characters as often and as in-depth as me was a lifeline. I found people just as moved by the power of stories and a good romance. We were of varying ages and lived in various time zones, but we were kindred spirits. People who didn’t just tolerate me talking about Felicity Smoak or Elizabeth Swann for hours on end, but found enjoyment from it. People who didn’t think I was “too intense” for saying that our friendship meant so much to me a few weeks into knowing each other. It was in this safe space, that I brought Daphne,my one sorta-kinda friend from college, into fandom and bonded to where she is now one of my very best friends. To this day, I have women that I meant through tumblr or Twitter that are my lifeline that make all the out-of-pocket nonsense that fandom brings worth it.

Now I have friends for the first time since I was ten. Awesome! Shouldn't I be dating though too? I should’ve had a kiss that was not a part of a high school play with a closted gay kid by now, right? And even that kiss I had to be the initiator. That’s what women in their early 20s do. Get on those apps, go on dates, have some epic first love or a string of comically regrettable boyfriends to laugh about when you are older. I guess. So I hop onto OkCupid and play the swiping game during my breaks at my mall retail job, and find a guy that is Christian, into movies, and cute enough. We message for about a week and he says we should go on a date: a movie and dinner. I’m about to get my “has gone on an actual date and isn’t a prudish spinster” badge! I drive an hour to a strip mall by where he lives and we see The Big Short and eat overpriced burgers at a nearby gastropub. It’s all going perfect. He walks me to my car after dinner and when I think he’s going in for a hug he kisses me. My cheeks are inflamed with an immediate blush. He’s going in for a second kiss, but I have no idea what to do so I hug him and give a cute little wave as I flee into my car to drive to Daphne’s apartment to freak out over the whole thing over a cup of Coldstone. This should be magical, right? Why does the feeling of his lips on mine feel about the same as the high school theater kiss? I wrote it off in my head that I wasn’t expecting the kiss and that’s why it had no spark. Fast forward to the end of the second date, watching Creed and dinner at PF Chang’s, that I realized while this guy was nice enough I wasn’t actually interested in him. I was interested in fitting in and not being the weirdo that’s never had a guy kiss them even into my twenties. Neither of those things are reason enough to keep dating a guy that is essentially a prop in my coming-of-age checklist, so I texted him that I didn’t think things were going to work out for a third date. After those two dates, I put dating on the backburner and prioritized other aspects of my life: mental health, repairing family relationships, trying to achieve a semblance of financial independence, etc. Granted there were enough fictional or celebrity crushes over the years that in addition to the purchase of my first vibrator, did confirm that I was indeed attracted to guys; but dating was never a focus.

So in building my career and being closer to family, I move back to Texas in fall of 2017 and start a new job. This is where I meet Jared. To paint a picture,my sports-averse self was attracted to him even when he was discussing football. One of my fandom friends asked if there were cute guys at the new job that caught my fancy, to which I replied “The only dude remotely attractive is my freaking trainer and that’s not an option.” Since I’ve valued building a reputation of professionalism, his role as a trainer and later to a manager precluded any of that initial attraction from growing into anything else (as if I could flirt or be confident to act on it at the time but that’s not the point). I packed those butterflies into a box and shoved that box into the attic– to the point that I’d forget that box existed. There was the time when he was back in my department and noted that he saw my Bumble profile, didn’t swipe right because he didn’t want to cross those lines, but commented that I have a nice profile. His respectfulness and professionalism mixed with a bit of a compliment made me remember that box of butterflies in the attic, and then promptly shoved it back in the rafters. Reign it in, girl.

Fast forward a few years and he’s back in the department I work in again as an interim while they look for a new person to fill the manager role. I’m in the interview process to potentially get that role, which means I can relax a little in my current position and not be laser-focused on making sales every second I’m at work and actually talk to people. It’s at this time that one of my coworkers gives me the 411 on Jared. You know those coworkers who have the magical ability to get everyone they talk to to divulge their entire life story? This was her. So it’s at this time that I learn that he’s a lot closer to my age than I thought he was, that he also had family in church leadership like me, we both like nerdy pop culture shit, and that he’s tired of “dating around” and “wants to find a wife”. Keep in mind that the company where I work is kinda weird in how they sorta encourage people to date, married couples to both work there, etc. With all this in mind, I decided to take my mind off of the job interview I did for the manager role by chatting with Jared. As we both look out the window I comment on the sunset, and he responds with an anecdote of how during the last time he worked in this department he’d take a picture of the sunset every evening and send it to his girlfriend at the time “This sunset is almost as beautiful as you.” Externally, I tease him about how corny but smooth that line is. Inside, I’m melting. It’s such a sweet little romantic gesture that I have never gotten to experience, I’ve just read it in fanfic. I excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom as the realization of just how much I’d love to experience something like that, and potentially experience that with Jared. And thus the rafters give way, the box falls down from the attic and breaks open to release those 4 year old butterflies.

So I got the manager job the next day, and have about 2 weeks before I start my new role giving me very little to do at work except chat with Jared on the days we are scheduled together. He gives me his phone number in case I need his help as I adjust to the new role. After a few strictly work related texts, an actual friendship begins to form as text conversations stray to movie trailer reactions and other light but fun topics. He finds reasons to pop by my department’s office to say hi even though we work nowhere near each other. It is in one of those chats that we talk and I see that his smile doesn’t reach his eyes, his normal charismatic and jovial demeanor is dimmed in a way that only someone also good at veiling sadness with a happy face can tell. The middle of shift is not the time or place to call him out on it, but that evening I texted Jared to check in and let him know I am here for him for more than reacting to the latest episode of Moon Knight. He opens up to me about things he’s been struggling with and we proceed to have a text conversation for the next four and a half hours– topics ranging from mental health struggles and past traumas to the “three fictional characters to describe me” meme and comedians we enjoyed.It was definitely a turning point, where I truly felt we were getting to know each other and really connect. The fact that my deepest friendships were made in text conversations or DMs on Twitter made it easy for me to open up and be my most authentic self. And as these Sunday night text conversations continued, I knew that my crush was moving beyond infatuation.

At the end of that summer, I went on vacation: a day at Disneyland and then a girls’ trip in Lake Tahoe with some of my closest friends made through the Olicity fandom. I was in my favorite place in the entire world, and I still couldn’t stop thinking of him. In the hundreds of times I've been to Disneyland I’ve looked at the couples holding hands, wearing coordinating outfits, or kissing during World of Color and wistfully thought “One day.” And now as I walked through the Happiest Place on Earth, I couldn’t help but think of what it would be like to share it with Jared. I wasn’t able to help myself from texting throughout the day sharing pics of Avengers Campus and Galaxy’s Edge. At the end of the day, I saw a Chewbacca pen in one of the shops on Main Street USA and just had to buy it for him. I gave a teaser text with the gift and he freaked out a little that I’d get him something because apparently he’s extraordinarily bad at receiving gifts which I just found even more endearing. Once in Tahoe, I had the opportunity to catch my ladies up with the whole situation. They totally shipped us and encouraged me to be bold and make a move– sometimes guys are dumb and you have to say you like them with a neon sign. I thought my particular brand of nerd flirting was not that subtle. I mean in the “three fictional characters to describe me” meme discussion I told him he was a mixture of Nick Miller, Han Solo, and Andrew Garfield Spider-Man, but I trusted my friends that were either married or had a serious boyfriend since this all was still very much uncharted waters for me. So while I knew I needed to be bold I wanted to invite him to a group setting where we could spend more time together outside of work before going on an outright date. When I got back from the girls’ trip, I invited him to my family’s Labor Day barbecue where he would basically meet my whole family and some of my sister’s friends from church to keep the whole thing still fairly lowkey. He was super stoked at the invite, since living hours away from family is rough on big holidays. He was a perfect gentleman and offered to pick me up to drive to my parents’ house together and offered to bring a bottle of wine to be a good guest. I informed neither me or my family drink (this will come up later) but that his presence was a gift unto itself. Before we walked into my parents’ house, I gave him the Chewbacca pen I got for him at Disneyland. His delighted laughter made my impulse buy totally worth it.

It was an amazing day. Good food, lots of laughter, and he fit in with my family so well. I had even warned my crazy aunt that I was bringing a guy that I was just friends with and to please be chill in hopes things could one day be more. Even she was on her best behavior, which made my mom joke if I could bring him every major holiday. It went literally perfectly. When it was time for him to go I had him drive me back to my apartment, even though as soon as he left I got in my car to go back to my parent’s house to gush about him with my mom and sister. Everyone loved him. He even texted a nice thank you for inviting him and that my family was so welcoming and he had a great time. I made the (only kind of a) joke with him about me separating my work and personal personas by being Maddison at work and Maddie with those who know and care about me, and that I enjoyed getting to be Maddie with him for a full day. To which he replied, he can see the difference and he really liked getting to know Maddie (with a blushing emoji at the end). At that point, I was far past a crush and this was becoming real feelings.

The following week, I was scrolling through Instagram and I got an ad for a string quartet concert playing movie scores from SciFi and Fantasy films being played in a candlelit venue. This was it. I literally couldn’t imagine a better first date for us. I talked about it with my friend in LA and she mentioned that these events sell out quickly so I should go ahead and get the tickets since they were relatively inexpensive. So with tickets already bought and after drafting the invite text and focus grouping it with like 8 different women to make sure I had the right levels of flirty but casual, I sent him an invite to the concert. He had the valid excuse of family being in town but in a second text asked if there were other dates. So hope was not lost yet at this point. I texted him the other dates but left the ball in his court. No word on the concert, but then he came over to my apartment to binge watch Andor. I ordered his favorite red velvet cake on DoorDash and as coached by my married friends I made the effort to gradually sit close together on the couch as each episode moved along. I distinctly remember being so frustrated that I couldn’t skip over the feelings confession part so we could just fast forward to cuddling on the couch watching this show because it just felt so right. Another night he texts me out of the blue that he’s taking stock of what’s good in his life and getting to know me and become friends with me is one of the best parts of his year. The happy tears come and it takes everything in me to not gush about how important he is to me and how much I care about him. We’re getting closer to the breaking point of my chill.

Shortly thereafter, our workplace is throwing this big annual party. My social battery was running low, so I left pretty early but as is our Sunday night tradition at this point I still text Jared before going to bed. He says the party was fun until it wasn't. His heart took a beating, but he’ll survive… he always does. I had never heard him sound this defeated and hurt before. My emotions are bubbling to the surface, but I have the good sense to text Daphne since she’s on the west coast time zone to figure out how to respond. I send her a truly embarrassing voice note of me sobbing and talking about how I hurt when he hurts and want to tell him how much I care about him and how he deserves so much better than people who would treat him poorly. And before I could truly embarrass myself and text all of this to him, Daphne tells me “Bitch, it’s 1am. Go to bed.” In the sanity of the morning, I can send a much more reserved “I’m so sorry. Sending hugs.” text instead of a geyser of emotion at, in hindsight, the worst timing possible. Things fall back into their rhythm, until one day I am in my car on my lunch break with my music library on shuffle and “Wrapped in Red” by Kelly Clarkson comes on. It’s October so arguably too soon for Christmas music, but I let it play because 1) that song is a bop and 2) the lyrics really start hitting.

I’ll never feel you

If I don’t tell you

This Christmas, I’m gonna risk it all

This Christmas, I’m not afraid to fall

So I’m at your door with nothing more

Than words I’ve never said

It’s at this point that I realize I am well past the point where I need to tell Jared how I feel so we both know where we stand. It’s no longer healthy for me to keep harboring these feelings to myself, and the next time there’s an emotional conversation I won’t have the restraint to keep it to myself. However, I don’t want to have this conversation at work and this is too big to have over text message even though that’d be infinitely easier. So conveniently another Marvel movie is coming out in theaters the following week. I ask him to the movie with a hint of flirtation but with platonic plausible deniability. He says yes. I get a little bolder and ask him to dinner beforehand, which he agrees and offers to pick me up from my apartment. Another good sign. One week, dozens of text conversations with friends talking through all the possibilities, and a hundred anxiety spirals later, and Monday night comes around. My outfit was meticulously planned– casual and in character with what I wear normally but the turtleneck has a cleavage cutout to bring a tasteful amount of “va va voom” . We keep mostly to small talk on the ride to the restaurant, and once we are seated the conversation deepens. I mention my limited dating history and get into topics previously mentioned in this essay. Jared opens up and reveals he was in a relationship that ended a few months ago abruptly with his girlfriend cheating on him with his close friend at the time. My heart sinks. I’m hurt he had to go through that, but I also know the result of the conversation I was planning for the car ride home is not going to have the result I want it to have. Fortunately, Wakanda Forever gave me plenty of excuses to cry in the theater. Regardless, the conversation still needs to be had so I start with confirming that the invite to the concert was me asking him out, and from there it all spills forth. The crush and friendship that developed to infatuation, that developed to real feelings, that I could see us being compatible and really working together, that he had everything I was looking for in a partner with the added bonus of majestic hair and being taller than me. I continued that even though he’s been dealing with a lot, it’s still my choice if I want to be there alongside him to shoulder those burdens. We are now pulled into the parking garage for my apartment. He reiterates that he is still processing all that he’s had to go through this year and that (this is a direct quote still seared into my soul) “if there’s a 5% chance that my baggage and what I’m going through could hurt you, I can’t take that risk.” I am doing all that I can not to burst into tears, and so to lighten the mood I say “Don’t read into the fact I got you a Christmas present, Etsy doesn’t do returns.” Which is a silly way to say I’ve been so head over heels for you I bought your Christmas present in fucking August, but I digress. He opens the car door, gives me a hug, and the thought isn’t lost on me that the first time I touch him is an ending not a beginning. And thus began my first true heartbreak.

Naturally, the following days made things worse somehow. I woke up feeling miserable and aching all over. At first I thought it was just a physical manifestation of my emotional turmoil, and forced myself to get out of bed with a pep talk of “You are a freaking professional and you’re not going to call out of work because a boy made you sad. Take a hot bath and pull yourself together.” Then after I proceeded to projectile vomit in the bathtub, I realized I actually had some kind of flu and did actually need to stay home. So I slept through most of Tuesday but was crying for most of the time I was awake. Of course this meant Wednesday was when I started my period, because adding period symptoms on to all of this is exactly what I need. Thus in a moment where I curled up on the floor, nose bleeding from blowing my nose too much, still crying, headache from all the crying, aches everywhere from the flu and Aunt Flo, and wallowing in self-pity that I got a little messy and made a “fishing for attention” post on my Close Friends instagram story. Just a quick slide with text about how I was sick of being sick and sick of crying all the fucking time. I’m not going to lie, I was (admittedly irrationally) irritated that I was feeling this miserable and he’s just getting to have a Wednesday. Lo and behold, I get a text from Jared: “Saw your IG story. How can I help?” – a level of obliviousness which nearly made me throw my phone across the room. At this point, I knew subtlety was not an option. I acknowledged that I had to stop reading between the lines and that he saw me as just a friend and that broke my heart–something I needed to process and he couldn’t help with.

I want to stress that I did not then nor do I now begrudge him for not returning romantic feelings towards me. He was not obligated to feel the same way. However, the bordering on overshare of feelings that I expressed made things abundantly clear where I stood on things and anything said or done at this point was regarded considering that mutual knowledge.

So here’s where the mixed signals began. He responds that he currently sees me as a friend and also he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet. Would he maybe see me differently when he is ready for a relationship? Who knows, it’s possible. And then some more stuff about how he’s sorry he caused me pain, blah blah blah. But my deluded hopeless romantic self still took the dangled maybe of who knows what will happen in the future and ran with it. “This is us at just six months of friendship, stay friends with him and we can be even closer once he heals from his cheating whore of an ex. Maybe if you get back on the bandwagon and lose weight you’ll look more like the girls he usually dates when he’s ready. This is all just bad timing, but maybe your story together isn’t done yet.” The last sentence was the only part of that spiral that was true. This is just a story that doesn’t have the original happy ending anticipated.

Meanwhile, our work Christmas party comes along and I have him pick me up because I’m a passenger princess who doesn’t like to drive outside of my 10 mile bubble but also to still keep the spark going and see where our friendship is at now. It’s a fun night of games and getting to know some of the other managers. There’s a solid group of friends in a similar age range as me that are actually really fun to hang out with. On the ride home, Jared talks about how it’s fun to see me come out of my shell and some of the others get to see me be “not as innocent as I appear”. He also talks about how the group of managers usually hang out on Sunday nights after work and that he’ll talk to the group to see if they’re cool with me joining the next time they go out. I’m honestly so excited at the prospect of a group of friends, I forget to spiral (at least until much later) about how that means our usual 9pm-1am Sunday night text convos must have been when he was out at a bar with friends and all that that implies.

Christmas comes along and he appreciates the thoughtful present I gave him of a coaster laser engraved with the design of his favorite football stadium and a homemade rice krispie treat. And since I gave him the heads up towards the end of Car Ride of Pain that I was getting him something, he had texted me earlier in December that after the hardest time searching he found the perfect present. On Christmas Eve, he shows up at my department on his day of PTO to give me my present. My coworkers are nosy so I wait until my lunch break to open it, which was smart because I teared up when I opened it. And it’s so thoughtful and sweet that I would’ve LOVED this gift as the first Christmas present from a boyfriend. I still love the gift but I’m also confused. So were my Twitter friends.

After Christmas I started hanging out with the group of managers and they were super chill and really welcoming. Towards the latter part of our first hang out there’s the round table topic of “what celebrity would want to have sex with? Man and woman.” One of the guys was debating between Henry Cavill and Jason Momoa and ended up picking Momoa. I joked “Solid pick. Momoa has more grabbable hair.” Jared and his stupid long hair turns to me and loudly says “Hmmmm. I’m learning some things about you.” I go red and my brain short circuits and I can’t think of a response beyond “Yep.” so that’s how I respond and leave it at that. AND THEN, he brings the topic back up after the “Made it home safe?” text, saying that he’s still thinking about my comment on grabbable hair. I quickly respond “So we’re going there?” trying to clarify what we are doing because this is decidedly not platonic. To which he replies, “I guess we are.” This time I did throw my phone across the room. Luckily, it landed in a to-be-folded pile of laundry. I typed and retyped a reply five times. Once my west coast friends got back to me that my idea to respond with “Everyone likes a hair grab. Why do you think I wear a high ponytail so often?” was too dirty, I decided to leave him “on read” and go to bed.

Meanwhile we still have long text conversations with serious topics like being broke af, and silly things like memes about Formula One racing (which I admittedly did get into to impress him but still legitimately enjoy it and have another friend to talk about it with). But now mixed with weirdly flirty stuff like “With the length of my hair right now, I look like Loki in Thor: Ragnarok when I get out of the shower”. Nerd flirting, but definitely flirting. Especially when I have admitted in a conversation when out with friends that I’ve read Tom Hiddleston/Reader fanfiction.

Then one day, I have a truly shitty and overwhelmingly stressful day at work. My parents were on vacation and my sister was on a work trip, so even after everything he was still next in line for who I wanted to talk to to process this. He talked me through the issue and how to best cope with it and then the conversation strayed. It was the first time since Car Ride of Pain that we actually acknowledged what was discussed. He was curious why I spoke to my feelings then. I discussed the times I wanted to bring it up earlier and he confirmed it was for the best that I did not then (especially the night of the big work party). He gave me advice about flirting on apps like Hinge and Bumble, it was kinda weird but I could use all the advice I could get. And then he offered another piece of “friendly advice”. To paraphrase, he recommended that I reconsider my decision not to drink alcohol and make sure I am doing it for me and not because of my upbringing; because guys on dates will worry that I don’t know how to relax and be loose around them if I do not have at least one drink on a date. He even admitted that he thought about what it would be like to date me but the fact that neither me or my family drinks was a problem because he could not see our lifestyles being compatible. Admittedly, my family does not drink for religious reasons. However, when I was old enough I knew I did not want to drink alcohol because of my poor impulse control regarding food and drink (even if that drink is Diet Dr Pepper). When I got to a restaurant, I don’t have a soda, I have seven. Consequently, I made the decision to not even open the door to drinking alcohol.

However, in a series of decisions I am embarrassed and genuinely not proud of, I took his words to heart and decided to experiment with alcohol. I framed it as wanting to build some confidence before I put myself back out there in the dating world, but really I wanted to show that I was fun and cool, and could live in his world. Had some spiked Simply Lemonade to test the waters which was not great but fine. Daphne recommended a rum and coke as a starter drink but when I tried it at home it was so gross that I had to brush my teeth three times after. And then when my friend group went out to our usual bar on Sunday night, I ordered the fruity drink the 22 year old in the group usually orders and inhaled it in about thirty seconds. So I got another. Trying to see what the buzz was really like, when really the biggest rush was the pleased look on his face when I ordered the second drink. In reality, alcohol just makes me sleepy (and want to cuddle but not exactly the venue for that). There was another work party that was BYOB and I brought some fruity Seagrams and when my boss commented this was the first of the parties that I drank at he joked that our friend group was corrupting me. Nearly a hundred bucks later, and the only thing close to a buzz was wanting to go to bed at 11pm one time, and I calculated that I didn’t actually enjoy alcohol at all. It finally dawned on me just how stupid drinking to impress a guy is, and just how terrible Jared’s advice was. That’s not the kind of advice you want from a potential romantic partner, and even more that’s not the kind of advice a good friend would give. In hindsight, I should’ve seen this straight away as a sign that this is not the kind of person to pursue nor the kind of person I should be friends with.

A while after the drinking debacle, Jared has been radio silent for a long time. When we interact at work on occasion, he’s noticeably distant and acting kind of weird. My instinct was telling me to reach out to him just to check that everything’s ok given his previous mental health struggles and also that he still has me (at this point in time) as a friend. Then he shows up to the Sunday night hangout for the first time in forever. A decent chunk of my friend group is chronically and comically late, so it’s me, Jared, and one of the managers with his girlfriend. Jared had stepped away for a phone call earlier in the evening for a while which was… weird, but I still ignored instincts. Then all of a sudden, I look in Jared’s direction and can’t help but see he has a picture of a girl on his lockscreen that is usually some car-related pic. At this point, I really thought I had fully moved on and was okay with being just friends. Even to the point that I was comfortable being frank with him in talking about the time period where I was halfway in love with him. But seeing the photo of the girl, and the fact that he never even dropped a text to make me aware he was dating somebody, made old wounds fresh again. I waved for the waitress to get my check and then it was a race against the clock to not start sobbing in the middle of this bar in front of my friends who know nothing about my history with Jared at this point. Literally as soon as I get my debit card back and sign the receipt, I walk as fast as I can without running to get out of my car and the tears come the instant I make it through the door. It really is a less than pleasant experience to finally be able to relate to Taylor Swift lyrics but he wasn't mine to lose and I really had been living the past several months for the hope of it all. And now that hope is shattered. He was ready to date again, and once again it was not me that he wanted. My romantic dream had always been that I would find someone that really got to know me, and would then decide that they wanted more of me in their life. Once again that did not happen. I opened myself to him in so many ways: the dark thoughts, the imperfections, my hyperfixations and the weird sense of humor that follows, and it was not a package he was interested in. So I cried and I cried that night and mourned the hope of what could have been because it wasn’t going to happen.

So let's see how being 1000% platonic friends with Jared goes. I’m at over 6,000 words in this saga and it’s 2am so I’m going to be more concise in this part. I get an awesome career opportunity to take more responsibility and have a chance to develop a team and demonstrate my leadership skills to senior management. My family and the majority of my friends were super excited for me. I explain the change to Jared and he goes “Huh. That’s an interesting choice.” And in that moment I couldn’t tell which hurt more: him not thinking that I’m going to be great at this and expressing that he’s excited for me or the fact that apparently I still value his opinion of me so damn much. Then it’s July and I’m making plans to celebrate my 30th birthday. In one of our many long text conversations, I had opened up to him about not have friends growing up and then even when I made friends they were long distance, so I was so excited to not just enjoy the festivities of a milestone birthday but be able to have a birthday with friends present that care about me and are happy to celebrate me. So I send the text to the group chat 3 weeks in advance (enough time to make plans around but not so far ahead people forget) with info for a birthday dinner at a nearby restaurant and then potentially seeing Barbie. I even made sure to schedule it after everyone’s shift would be over to ensure as many people as possible could come. Everyone begins to reply that they are coming, including Jared, and then two days later I get a “sorry I can’t go” text without further explanation. And from that point he basically dropped out of my life.

It was then the realization that I had avoided for a while hit. Some of my friends had said throughout all of this that he was putting me on a shelf but being nice enough about so he could always come back later when he needed the ego boost. I didn’t want to believe it and rationalized that couldn’t be the case because my long distance friends never met him and only knew half of the equation. But I now realize how right they were. Jared was going through a shitty time in his life when he got close to me, and in every conversation I complimented him.This made the pattern for him to talk to me when he was feeling down and my unconditional support and adoration made him feel better, and even after the feelings conversation that occurred in the Car Ride of Pain he could keep this pattern going with the tiniest bit of flirting. Then his life got better from the previous year, he’s no longer experiencing professional burnout and got himself a girlfriend again– making no need to go through the effort of maintaining a friendship with me.

So why write nearly 7000 words about this now? Well, it's definitely been a catharsis to be able to let this all out. But the catharsis was mainly needed, because I have been able to ignore all the hurt from July and the 18 months prior by simply not being around him and now I have a mandatory meeting where I see him once a week and have to act all cheery and professional.

On its own a birthday party does seem like a silly thing to end a friendship over, but it really was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was now clear, especially after writing all of this out, that as much as I had thought about him, paid attention to every detail of every conversation, etc. that he did not hold our conversations and our friendship in a remotely similar level of regard. Plainly, I deserve better from people I consider a friend. But in order to heal from the end of a friendship, I have to acknowledge that this all happened and it was a very important part of my life for some time.

Now that it’s written down, he can be just a story. An anecdote to note the end of my twenties. He can be one of the managers that works on the first floor and is neighbors with my boss and one of my friends. That’s it and that’s okay.

The End

[ruthserbel]

This. This post is me. (story time in the read more~ because I wanted to get this written out - it's something I've kept quiet about (my bf knows, but that's really it) for years)

I had a friend I met in public school (grade three when I moved to the city I still live in (I moved around a lot as a kid, but this has been our final spot it seems)). Anyway, we became very good friends, and would almost always have sleepovers each weekend unless they went traveling. She had one other friend that I was on and off friends with (she was kinda rude from time to time, and would often just 'drop' me for whatever reason? I honestly to this day think she hated how close I got to 'her' friend, and she would realize that and just get mad at me.

Anyway, fast forward to high school - I met a group of friends, and we all hung out together (with my old friend as well) - everything was gucci for a year. Then one of the new friends (I am going to call her B) started to be excluded by one of the other members of our group - and they were kinda bullying her. So I stood up for B one day, and told the other two to knock it off. Whatever, they didn't like it, and stopped hanging out with us, and left our friend group (I have since talked to them after everything, and we're friends again - I am glad about that - you'll see why in a moment).

B and I became friends, and would hang out all the time. Like every Friday I was at her house.

Well, going into grade 12, B decided (and I am unsure to this day as to why) she didn't want to be my friend - at all. Started literally ignoring me even though I was in the room with her and our other friends. Would make plans with my other friends right in front of me, and exclude me (I get not wanting someone there, but typically you wouldn't make plans with the person right there?). Anyway, my other friends all watched this, and did nothing about it. They noticed how it made me feel (they have said this to me since then. they said they noticed that I was I getting really bad depression from it) and they did nothing. N o t h i n g.

What makes this all worse is the fact that - another friend in the group started to notice the same thing was happening to her - so she talked to me about it one day. She told me, one weekend when the three girls were having a sleepover together (excluding myself and this other girl), they had skype called her - and were just goofing around - having fun. Mind you - this girl lived a five minute walk away. So she could have been invited just to hang out - or they could have went somewhere. No, she called just to show her that they were having fun without her. It was so disgusting. Like there was no other reason to skype call her. They didn't talk about anything during the call. So it was just to brag?

The mental pain I have suffered due to that one girl is astounding. I still to this day don't trust anyone when it comes to friendship. I often find myself feeling like I have to buy my friendship with people (even though that is not true at all - so I now stop myself from doing that - I have saved so much money doing that). And due to my friends - who sat there and just watched my become depressed again, and very suicidal - I honestly feel empty inside. I feel like they just didn't care about me at all? I've talked to them about it since (I have communication with one of them) and she has admitted that she noticed it. She knew it was happening. They both knew. They watched me get to the lowest of lows again - and did nothing. Realizing this has made me feel so bad, and it ruined my self worth of myself. They didn't care enough to do anything about it. They could have reached out to me privately, or talked to a teacher if they didn't want to do it themselves. Nope. I got nothing for support. And it bothers me more that in grade nine when I got to a low point - my childhood friend was the one that came up to me (after a few months of not talking because we had a little spat and stopped talking for a bit), and she helped me. She told me she didn't realize things had gotten that bad - and she was a big help for me to get back on my feet again and feel better. Same with the other girl (I'll call her M). M really helped me - she was my desk buddy for science, and she realized I was self harming, and just generally depressed, so she helped me a lot. Honestly, those two are the reason I made it through grade 9.

And to top it all off, because people always say - why didn't you go to the guidance counselor or whatever. I did. In grade 9 when I had my first bout of depression we talked once, it was fine. Whatever. Then one day during gym people started to be rude to me for whatever reason, and I started to feel really bad (this is where my childhood bf stood in, and helped me - she took me to his office, and sat with me for a bit, then after we talked again and became friends again). So I went to his office just to talk. We did, and he said 'do you want me to talk to them about it?' - and me not wanting to make this a huge deal, said no, it's fine. He followed up with - and I quote - 'well get over it then.' Get. Over. It. A guidance counselor said that to me. Now I get it, I didn't go to schooling for psychology, but I do know - that is not what you say to someone.

Anyway, I've tried for years since all of this to figure out why I all of a sudden got dropped as a friend and became gum on the bottom of B's shoes. The only thing I've come up with (and this is a lot of speculation on my part - and honestly I don't even think this is it, but it's all I have) is A. we had one guy friend, who was flirting with all the girls in our group - but none of us liked him that way. He was our friend, nothing else. Well I had three of the four girls over for my birthday (the other one was out of town), and they were getting texts from him - and they kept saying 'I really wish he would leave us alone and stop asking us out on dates, we don't like him that way.' So I asked them if they wanted me to get him to stop (I'm a very blunt person, and I will say it like it is. If you don't want to hear the truth, plug your ears because it's coming (quote from my dad lol)) - and they said yes. They were fine with me doing this. So I sent him a text that basically said 'we're your friends, we don't like you that way. please stop. we will never feel that way about you. we like you as a friend. that's it.' (honestly it was kinda rude of me to do - I will agree, but it had been two years at this point of him flirting with my friends, and them saying no on repeat, and saying how it bothered them/creeped them out). This might be one of the reasons she stopped liking me, because she thought that was rude. Although she was one of the girls who complained about it non-stop. I put an end to it - it did stop after that.

Or (and this is the one that I doubt, but it's one that could be the case?) B liked one of the other girls (my childhood best friend), and she opened up to me about it before she left for the summer (for like a month and a half). She asked me what she should do. So I said 'well you're leaving for a month and a bit. You can (if you want) - tell her your feelings, and say you don't want a response right now, and for her to think about it'. She seemed happy with that plan. So we left it at that. She left for the summer, and everything was fine. I guess that the at some point my childhood friend had said she didn't like her that way. It was whatever, carry on. You shot your shot, and got turned down. No biggy, we could all still be friends. Then everything started. So... I've honestly started to wonder if this might be the cause of it? Like was she mad that she got turned down after I gave her advice? Like I don't get it. I dont know anymore - and unless one of the other two girls talks (if they even know - which I feel like they do, they just don't want to tell me) I never will.

This one girl ruined me for friendships. Honestly I don't think I will ever be able to be close to people due to her. I never know when they are going to decide to hate me, and turn my friends against me.

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

[adore-gregor]

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