#that probably should have raised some flags for me being aroace

[wren-em]

While I'm on the topic of just remembering things, shout out to 9-10 year old me who thought Charlie and Marv from the CBeebies "Charlie and Lola" where both 13 and in a romantic relationship with each other

"But since Lola is at most five or six wouldn't Charlie being 13 put in him a different school from Lola?" A) The UK has combined secondary and sixth form schools, while the USA has combined middle and high schools, so Charlie and Lola could just be going to a combined school. B) I was at most 10 at the time so my constantly sick child ass didn't fucking understand the school system in the slightest

Also, technically C, Charlie and Marv are apparently at most 10, which which absolutely would have probably caused more blue screening from 10 year old me than telling that same child about the fact that Club Penguin was inevitably going to shut down

[fullofbees]

Obey Me Brothers with an AroAce MC!

I know it's technically July 1st but shhhhhhhhh

CW: None!

»»----------► Reader is Gender Neutral

He would be the most nonchalant about it. When you first come out to him, he lifts his head from the desk, staring at you confused. You sweat, about to overexplain before he interrupts you with a question. 

“Will this affect our relationship as it exists now?”   You shake your head, “Of course not, I’m more than content.”  He nods, returning to the paperwork on his desk, the silence only broken by the scribbles of his pen. You remain in place, now the one staring in confusion.  When he notices you haven’t left, he raises his head, “Everything alright?”  “I’m just shocked. Most people have a few... follow-up questions.”  Lucifer shrugs, “Lust isn’t my department.” 

He would first ask a million questions trying to understand. It’s not that I don’t think Mammon couldn’t understand, I think it’s more that he genuinely does not care what you identify as, but he wants to learn about you so he’s going to pester you about it. So long as you remain his friend, and he gets to retain his bragging rights as your first demon, you’ll always be cool. 

You try to keep up as he drags you down the street.   “Mammon, why do I need to go the casino with you again?”  The demons rolls his eyes like you just asked the most ridiculous question in the world, “Pffft! You’re my lucky charm of course.”   “I am not playing the slots for you!”  You almost ram straight into his back when he abruptly stops.   “Don’t need ya to. I’ll be sure ta win with an ace up my sleeve!”   Now its your turn to roll your eyes, at least so you don’t have to look at his smug face. It’ll only encourage him. 

When you first explain your orientation to Levi, he is excited. You know Levi gets easily flustered when it comes to emotions, but he’s made great strides to let you see his vulnerability, so in the end you decided to show yours too. It still doesn’t mean you were expecting him to start on another anime ramble. 

“That makes so much sense!! I mean in My Whole Life I’ve Been a Cat but A Wizard Recently Made Me Human and Now I Have to Attend High School Where a Pack of Dogs Is Out to Get Me Because I’m The Adopted Daughter of Their Rival Gang Leader, the protagonist never receives a love interest! I totally thought they were retconning the manga when they had her turning down every declaration of love but her being aroace would fit the storyline so much better--” 

Already understands; you don’t even have to explain the terms to him. 

“Wait, you.. Know what I’m talking about?”  The demon glances up at you from his book, “That is what I just said.”  “Wha- from what- how?” You hate blathering incoherently, especially in front of Satan, but his reaction is not what you were expecting.  The demon raises his book so that you can see the cover, “Sherlock Holmes.”  You process the comical nature of this interaction before quipping back, “Yes, I suppose it is elementary.” 

Would probably go overboard in his support. Of course he means well, he’s just excited!! He goes out of his way to stay up-to-date on the tea news of the community; and honestly, he probably finds you the most obscure pride merch. 

“You should let me paint your nails the colors of the flag, hon!”  You stare down at your plain, dry nailbeds. They are definitely overdue some TLC.  “I don’t know if I want to be that on the nose about it...”  “Oh hush, I’ve never disappointed you before, have I?” He says with a giggle and a wink, “C’mon, chop chop! Off to my studio!”   “You mean your room?” You tease.  “Studiiiioo~”  

Finds out because he overheard you discussing the garlic bread and cake memes.  

“Aroace cake.... sound delicious, what’s in it?” The hungry demon asks just after his signature stomach growl.  “It’s not a real cake, Beel,” says Levi.  The poor demon’s face drops, now pouting as he looks down at his aching stomach.   “Beel, you okay?”  He dejectedly sulks out of the room and towards the kitchen, muttering to himself about the cake being a lie. 

I think Belphie would understand it to a startling degree. He has never had any serious relationships himself, finding that he already feels fulfilled with his friends and family. Perhaps you can help him explore this new revelation.  

“Mmm, it must be nice, actually. Less time wasted, more time for naps.”  “I never thought of it like that before... I should take more naps.”  He nods with a sleepy grin, patting the cushion next to him, “Who needs a thirst trap when you can have your first nap?” 

•••✦ ❤ ✦••• Submit A Request •••✦ ❤ ✦•••

A/N: Happy Pride Month from your fellow aroace author! Wishing you all the best <3

[poormeowmeowcollector]

Spooked, But Not In A Good Way

Warnings: panic attacks, meltdowns, sensory overload

Characters: Loki, Tony Stark

Summary: inspired by this post. Loki is always hiding when on the tower, but agrees to be on the Halloween party. Until things go bad.

Notes: Yes, Thor and Loki are autistic in my headcannon. Yes, I use the word autistic, as an autistic person. And, yes, I will bite you if you attack me because of those things. Tagging @consultingcriminalatyourservice.

Getting along with the new members of the team is not as hard as Tony imagined. Wanda and Sam are pretty okay, and Bucky is somewhat silent but not a problem. Loki's another story…

When Thor brought him here, fresh from a battle and with blood on his chest and back, he promised that Loki's quiet. And, holy shit, no one expected Loki being so introverted. It's a miracle if he appears on the "family tables", as Steve calls them. It's not hard to even forget that he's here, he's either off to a mission or locked in his room.

And even after he was proved to be mind controlled during the attack and declared innocent in every single court he was dragged into, he still didn't feel comfortable enough to be with anyone other than Thor, and maybe Bucky.

But Thor managed to convince him to come over to the Halloween party. And Loki even got dressed up, with a historically accurate costume of Dracula. He was just sitting on the bar, sipping on his wine and fidgeting with his fingers, but being in a room crowded with people and loud music was a huge step.

"Hey, Count," Tony yells as he walks closer, trying to make his voice louder than the music. Loki jerks in his seat, almost spilling his drink, before he smiles at Tony. "Oh sorry, did I scare you?" He asks, lowering his voice since he's closer.

"No… it's just, I was drifting off," Loki mutters, his voice just heard with all the noise. Tony nods and sits beside him, even though the Han Solo suit is quite tight around his waist.

"Again, thank you. Goodnight," He smiles. Tony smiles back and mutters a goodnight before leaving and closing the door. He doesn't even go back to the party, he just drags his feet to his room and crushes on the bed, falling asleep the moment his head touches his pillow.

"You know, it's good you're here…" He hums, letting a small smile. Loki makes a small throaty sound, releasing his left hand to take a sip of his wine.

"You can thank Thor for this… if it were on me, I would be still locked in my room," He scoffs a bit, forming a small smile for a brief moment.

"Still, it's nice seeing you out. You know, it almost feels like you aren't here," Tony admits. Loki does lower his eyes for s moment, the air around him getting cold. Shit, this shouldn't have happened.

"Yes… it's not that I don't like being with you… but…" He clenchs his jaw while taking, his hands holding his ears.

Before Tony can say or do anything, Loki vanishes. But he leaves a path of cold air behind him. Tony follows it to the bathroom, seeing Loki sitting on the floor in a loose fatal position, his hands covering both his ears and eyes.

Tony sits down in front of him, letting plenty of air between them. He can feel the vibrations of the bass on the floor. "Loki, bud, can you hear me?" He asks, his voice carefully low. Loki doesn't react, but he doesn't flinch either.

Tony leans his hand to Loki's knee, squeezing just enough to show that he's here. It's probably the noise. That's why Loki's always hiding, the tower is too damn loud. And being here must be a torture for him. Just the thought of how he let Loki tolerate this in silence makes Tony's stomach twist.

"Too loud…" Loki mutters, his hands pressing his ears harder and harder. Tony can feel the air in his lungs getting thinner. No, he doesn't need a panic attack now. Not while his friends is like this.

"Do…" He tries to bring air in his lungs, but it seems impossible. "How can I help?" He manages to ask. Loki raises his hand and stares at him with watery eyes. Then, he throws himself into a tight hug, breathing heavily for the next moments.

And Tony starts gasping for air.

Loki lets go of the embrace, but still holds Tony's hands. Tony lifts his head, seeing Loki breathing slowly, green smoke making the air visible. He's trying to instruct him to breathe. But why isn't he speaking?

Tony follows the instructions, feeling his lungs slowly filling with air. And Loki's hands start getting colder again as the music from the central room gets louder.

"Hey, hey. It's ok. Do you want to go somewhere quiet?" Tony asks, squeezing Loki's hands. He nods, letting Tony's hands go as they both stand up. Loki leads the way to his room, Tony beside him and still trying to compose himself, watching as Loki's fingers attack each other.

As soon as Loki opens the door to his room, Tony storms in and opens the closest window, poking his head out and trying to breathe in the cold air. Fresh air from outside always helps with his panic attacks.

"Was it that bad?" Loki asks, his voice low. Tony turns to face him and smiles. Speaking after a meltdown is a good thing, right? Loki is sitting on his bed, his makeup fading where tears dripped and still stimming with his hands, but he added lip chewing on the game too.

"No… Not really. Can I ask, is this why you're hiding in here all the time?" Tony's voice gets louder, more like him. Loki nods, looking down at his hands. Tony sits beside him on the bed, careful not to invade his personal space.

"Look, buddy, I'm sorry. We should have asked about this when you came here. It's stupid thinking that humans and Jötnar have the same hearing," He rumbles. This time, Loki lets a small scoff again.

"It's not a Jötnar thing, nor an Æsir one. I guess I'm the only one like this. And, there's nothing to apologize for. You didn't do something wrong and I thought Earth would be more quiet that Asgard," He corrects Tony, a faint smile on his lips. So, aliens can be on the spectrum too?

"Whatever, but making you an outcast is still not good… Hey, do you happen to know what your triggers are? I can make the tower more accessible," Tony suggests. He sees a light appearing in Loki's eyes as he turns his face around and stares right into Tony's eyes.

"Loud noises, mostly. They are painful. Sudden things too. And, intense smells, they make both me and Thor nauseous," He smiles. Maybe he wasn't asked this question before.

"Thor? He's in the spectrum too?"

Loki lets his eyebrows tangle with each other and his smile fade. "What spectrum?"

"I'm really not the man to explain this, but, he is sensitive too?" He corrects the answer. And, to this, Loki makes a nod.

"He likes things louder, but yes. Except for the smells, of course," He shrugs one shoulder.

"Great. I can make you some sound cancelling headphones, you decorate them, obviously, and keep the tower more quiet. How does it sound?" He asks, smiling widely. Loki lets his smile turn to a grin.

"Keep talking dirty," He purrs. Tony would make a move back, if the aroace flag wasn't hanging behind them.

"And, in case you get one of those fits again, what helps, usually?"

"Someone holding me down. Thor used to do it when we were small and it kind of sticked. You can tell the others too, if you like." He relaxes his face again, leaning back on the wall, his eyes still pinned on Tony.

"Good. And, when I get one of mine again, can you just give me space to breathe? They usually fade away after I manage to take a few deep ones,"

Loki hums at Tony's answer, a green light making his boots disappear as he pulls his legs on the bed. "Thanks you a lot, Tony… But, those things tend to be tiring, so, I think I might crash," He breaks eye contact, his hands stimming again.

"Yeah, same with the panic attacks. So, can you be at the lab tomorrow? I'll make sure the machines are quiet and I need your help to make the headphones," Tony gets up, allowing Loki to spread his long feet on the bed.

[skeletalroses]

I was going to submit this anonymously to one of the bigger aspec blogs but it got so long that I’d feel like a pain in the ass. I’m posting this because I’ve recently landed in a bit of a difficult situation in the vein of Just Aroace Things, and I’m not sure what to do or even how to feel. I’m hoping to get some advice from the community re: a topic that comes up from time to time---navigating roommate/housing situations as an aroace, particularly when your potential roommate’s romance fucks you over.

I met my best friend, A, our sophomore year of college when we got paired up via roommate lottery. We clicked right away and had a blast living together. Unfortunately it only lasted a year, since the best option for my major was to transfer to another campus while for her it was best to stay put. We’ve known each other for nine years now and live in different states, but we visit regularly and had always talked about living together again once we both moved away from our parents.

I’m aroace, sex- and romance-repulsed. A is super considerate and supportive of this. She even discovered recently that she’s demisexual (which she learned about while researching the symbolism of the asexual flag! On her own, completely unprompted! Because she thought it would help her understand me more! See? Super supportive!). She is, however, very, very alloromantic. Up until now this has just been one more facet of our overall odd-couple dynamic (I’m an Addams and she’s a Disney fairy), which has always been something we’ve laughed at and reveled in.

A couple months ago, however, A moved out of her parents’ place and in with her boyfriend of a few years. I’m still with my parents, which suits me fine for the time being, but I eventually want to move out. Like I said, A and I have long talked about living together. We never made any specific plans, but I’ve asked her before to verify that yes, this is a thing we’re both Actually down to do when the time’s right. But that was a good while ago, before she moved in with Boyfriend. We visited last weekend and I brought up the subject again, because I’ve been unsure about it since that whole development.

“Feel free to say no; I won’t be offended; I just want to know how my options stand at this point. We’ve talked in the past about rooming together again. With Boyfriend in the picture now, is that still on the table?”

A’s answer: “Boyfriend has a lot of anxiety, so probably not. Sorry. He doesn’t even like having his family stay over. You’re welcome to stay a few days but not for like weeks on end.”

This was a calm conversation had over cocktails in the mall. She asked to make sure my parents weren’t threatening to kick me out or anything; I assured her that they weren’t, and I wasn’t moving anytime soon, and it’s okay that my rooming with her is out.

Only I’m not that okay with it. I wasn’t confident she’d say yes, but I did kind of think it was likely, and moreover I’m realizing how much I was unconsciously banking on that plan. I’ve been sans income during the pandemic, and I have a fuckton of economic anxiety to begin with. A’s a STEM major in a big city who easily found a solidly-paying job right out of college. She gets promotions and raises and shit. I’m a humanities major in the middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere where all my impressive qualifications (which I do have) can’t get me anything with a living wage below management level, let alone something in my field. And I’m never going to have that built-in cohabitant in the form of a romantic or sexual partner that allos like A can take for granted. A was the person I could split costs with so as to maybe live semi-decently with someone compatible. Without her, my chances of having that have plummeted.

And it’s all because she got a romosexual partner. This guy who’s known her half as long as I have; who never worked her through the trials and eventual breakup of her previous long-term, engaged-to-be-engaged relationship; who has himself caused her massive amounts of grief, suffering, and sometimes outright danger through his inability to competently handle the drama in his personal life that should never have touched her, all while her mother would write letters to me asking me to come visit because, actual quote, A only smiles when I’m around. He was the reason she would be too depressed to function, and I had to long-distance therapize her through it even though she refused to take the basic step of leaving this grown-ass man at least until he got his shit together, because “he needs me.”

It’s like this dude calls the shots in A’s and my relationship now. I hadn’t seen her in seven months because every time we planned a weekend to hang out, it’d get canceled because Boyfriend wanted to go see his family or something (and he can’t do that without her, I fucking guess). Even this last visit got cut down to overnight when it was supposed to be the long weekend, because Boyfriend wanted to make other plans. And now my best option for future living arrangements is apparently down the shitter because of him. It’d have been one thing if A doesn’t want to live with me anymore because she and he need their allo space or whatever the fuck couples do (still amatonormative and lousy for me). But as far as I understand, it’s not even that. It’s not her. It’s Boyfriend. A and I can be planning something for the two of us for weeks, for months, for years, then it all goes away in a minute because ehh, it kinda cramps Boyfriend’s style. I’m, as A called me, her “best friend soulmate.” I Was Here First. I never fucking made her cry. But I can’t kiss her or fuck her, so I automatically take a backseat to the one who can. I don’t need to be her Number One, but I don’t appreciate being pushed aside at Boyfriend’s every whim.

A, I’m sure, doesn’t realize how it looks from my angle. I know she cares about me and doesn’t want me to feel devalued. She’s just an oblivious alloro. I’m not even sure Boyfriend’s intentionally hogging her. (To be clear, I don’t think he’s a bad person; I’ve only met him a handful of times but I reliably clock my friends’ truly shitty partners on less. I haven’t heard about any crises in the past year or so, so I guess he’s finally managing his baggage well enough that A’s life can go smoothly and not suck.) I’m not unsympathetic to anxiety either; I’m chronically mentally ill and I’ve had my share. And I get we’re little more than strangers at this point. But I hate that he can just singlehandedly veto me and A rooming together ever. It’s much more of a blow to my likely quality of life than he or A---or tbh even I did, before this point---realize.

I hate feeling like I’m being jealous and needy. Maybe A just genuinely likes him better and it’s not only an amatonormative thing. I know I’m not entitled to live with her; it’s not like we promised or anything. But the option getting shut down really made me realize how much I resent not having it, and how much I kind of resent Boyfriend in general.

Which brings me to the asking-for-advice part, to the maybe two people who’ve read this far. Aspecs on here have talked about how amatonormativity fucks over single people and especially aros in terms of housing and life in general. Has anyone dealt with a situation like mine? How do you manage the amatonormative behavior of people in your life snatching your prospects out from under you, or feeling like it has? Is my reaction even reasonable? If so, how should I bring it up to A? This would be the closest thing we’ve ever had to a conflict, and also I’m...not great at being vulnerable. I can’t even vagueblog about these topics because my social media presence is limited to Tumblr and hers to Facebook. Hell, maybe I should just forget it for now, since I’m not changing housing anytime soon anyway, and cross that bridge when I get to it. I wouldn’t ask her to leave him, since their relationship seems to be going a lot smoother than it had been. But goddamn, am I filled with aroace salt about this.

[thedreadvampy]

Like idk what you want from me here. If you want to engage me in a specific question about ace/aro identities, as I've said several times and nobody has ever actually done, then ask me the specific question. Don't fuck around with vague gestures at Points of Discourse and then get cross with me because I haven't answered the Exact Question you Didn't Ask But Expected Me To Intuit.

Preface: If you don't want to answer any of these because you are allo/allo and don't have a say because its not your place, say that. In fact, I'm asking these because you seem to do have opinions on things you shouldn't based off things you have said in the past.

I also want to state that I agree fully with your points about Martin- minus the blatant aphobia. Not just acephobia, arophobia as well.

1. Do you think qprs are problematic? I believe you once made a post saying roughly that qprs are just normal friendships, or something like that, that has since been deleted. What is your current opinion?

2. Are het aros lgbt?

3. Are het aces lgbt?

4. Cis aro/aces lgbt?

5. Cishet aro/aces?

6. Do the spectrums and micro identities exist? You've implied in the past they don't, in the post about how they were supposedly created from sex positivity

7. Can aros be in or desire romantic relationships?

8. Can aces have or desire sex?

9. Does the split attraction model exist and does it benefit people?

10. Can teenagers identify as aro/ace or do you think they're too young?

11. Can you be, say, an aroace lesbian, or an aroace gay, aroace bi, etc. Idk how to phrase this one but like can you be aroace and still id with another orientation?

I could send another anon detailing the aphobia in the post, because I at least am certainly not upset about Martin being sexual, rather it was the very blatant aphobia. It could have stemmed from ignorance, and if that's the case I don't mind explaining it.

Ok this is a lot of questions, some with quite involved answers, so I'm gonna answer them chunk by chunk so it's a bit more manageable, and then I might come back to some of the surrounding message. This isn't gonna be an immediate bang bang bang, but I'll try and work through them over the next couple of days.

Question 1

1. No, I don't think qprs are problematic. I don't necessarily understand them but I don't need to understand them to understand and respect that they're a thing that's important to a lot of people. I don't know what post you're referring to, but I'm surprised that you say it was deleted, because I very rarely delete posts except, occasionally, reblogs where people have flagged up misinformation or dogwhistles or which I reblogged by accident. tbh I'm the messiest online presence I'm way too lazy to delete past posts or block people even when I probably should bc I don't like to feel like I'm ~hiding evidence~. So I'm not saying you're wrong, you're probably totally right, but I'm surprised.

I'm thinking about what posts I've made that you could be thinking of, and obviously I don't remember everything I say on here bc I say A Lot and I actively post to get things out of my head so 🤷‍♀️ but I do remember making a post a while ago where I said that it was a normal expectation of friendship to have some friends close enough that you'll live with them, raise kids with them, etc, and I'm wondering if that was the post you're thinking of? I did have qprs in mind while writing that to a degree, but only because I think 'you wouldn't do this with your friends' is a very common argument people put forward about qprs and I think it's a weak argument, because many people have different definitions of friendship, and the only argument I think is needed for any sort of I Have X Emotional Relationship To This Thing is...I Have X Emotional Relationship To This Thing. Like you can't offer a universal materialist definition of the differences between romantic, queerplatonic, sexual and platonic relationships, because the boundaries are very personal and it's really an emotional and experiential difference. so if that is the post you're thinking of, I wasn't criticising The Concept Of QPRs as much as saying that I thought trying to put hard lines around What Friends Do Vs What QPPs Do was a) counterproductive when arguing with someone who thinks QPR is Just Normal Friendships bc. if they do those things with their friends then saying NO THIS IS A QPR THING just reinforces their existing belief that you're talking about the same thing as they mean by friendships and b) to me seems to set a painful expectation to young people that you can only get these kinds of close friendships occasionally and in the form of a QPR and it will be stigmatised and misunderstood (and depending on how people talk about it, is only accessible to aspec people and allo people should only expect it to come through romantic/sexual relationships), when in fact most people of most ages I know have friends with whom they can share things like housing, deep feelings, futures, finances, who they miss if they don't see for a few days, who are mutually supportive and vital to their wellbeing. I don't think that's mutually exclusive with the existence of QPRs though - like I personally don't know what the difference is between a QPR and a close friendship, but I also don't know what the difference is between a romantic relationship and a close friendship but I know there is one and I know it's not a question of What You Do but a question of How You Feel And Interact, and that's pretty hard to define in unambiguous terms.

Like generally I don't Not Think QPRs exist, and I think it's a dick move to try and tell people they're wrong about how they experience and define their relationships because???? how are you meant to know that better than the person whose relationship it is??? but I do think the way people talk about QPRs (both from the perspective of defending them and from the perspective of attacking them) is pretty rife with problems and I don't think it's invalidating the reality of QPRs to talk about where the arguments and language around them potentially falls down or has unexpected consequences.

On the other hand, I don't know if that actually is the post you're referring to - the reason I'm calling back to that is that that and a few resultant asks are the only time I remember talking about QPRs on here in the last year or so. So like, several of these questions reference past posts, which is very fair, but I do need it to be clear that, since I don't really tag anything and I don't have a great memory, I can only really speak to What I Think Now In This Context, not to what I posted in the past and what I was thinking when I posted it. Like, this isn't too deny responsibility - I reckon I'm responsible for what I post even if I don't still agree with it, which is why I don't tend to delete my own posts on purpose - but just to deny capacity, I guess? I don't really KNOW what I've posted so if you talk about it in vague terms (and I do understand that if it's been deleted there's not a lot you can do but that) I may not necessarily be responding to the part of it that's worried you, so if I'm not speaking to something specific I've said or done, it's not because I Don't Want To, I just don't necessarily know to.

I'm waffling about this because looking through your messages there's a lot of "you said X" and like. given that the intended message of the post that's kicked this off was very different to the message people have taken from it, it feels important to me to know whether if I looked at the posts you're referencing I'd be like "ah yeah I did believe that but now I believe X" or if it's more a situation of "oh right I can see how you took X from that but my thinking was more Y".

(also sometimes when people say "you made a post" they mean "you reblogged a post" and I am a compulsive discourse scroller so sometimes I reblog a random post to bookmark my place on someone's discourse blog or I accidentally longpress the reblog button while scrolling - I try to delete reblogs that I don't agree with but sometimes I miss some, all of which to say if there's a post on my blog that doesn't seem to reflect what I say in my original posts then it doesn't necessarily mean I'm a crypto-whatever so much as I'm very lazy and messy with my blog. Doesn't mean I shouldn't be held accountable for reblogs but it's useful to know if we're talking original content or reblogs bc I'm unlikely to fully accidentally make a post. but I quite often accidentally reblog stuff. I doubt this is the case with this sitch just bc of your phrasing but I want to cover my bases)

anyway tl;dr: no I don't believe that QPRs themselves are inherently problematic, nor do I think I have at any point believed that, but I do think that a lot of the language and ideas used to talk about them are based in miscommunication or absolutist ideas about relationships and can have damaging knock on effects.

[aro-ace-advice]

So I have this friend. We've never been *just* friends, but we never questioned our relationship. Well, after five years, I think I might be aroace, and I think that we've been in a qpr for at least half the time we've known each other, if not longer. The problem is, even though I've tried to gently bring it up, he shuts me down. I haven't tried very hard, bc Im scared, he can't be without a relationship for long so he's always dating someone. (I realized this is a long story so 1/idk 2 or 3 lol

So my friend has dated this girl from two years at this point, and she's always been a bit insecure about his and my relationship (I didn't know about the qpr thing until recent) but we've all been civil. Over the course of the two years, she's slowly drawn him away from me. If me and him hung out, she would drape herself over him so that it would be weird if I sat next to him, and we stopped hanging out nearly as much. It hurt, he kept choosing her over me, but she was his gf and I was not. 2/3 Last week, they cornered me together bc I was keeping a secret. I tried to tell them they didn't want to know, but they pressed untill I caved in. So I told them most of the truth. My friend has been lying to his gf and me, about a lot. Then I brought up the qpr thing, and both of them brushed it off like it meant nothing. It was even said to my face that he would always choose her over me. I don't want to lose the friendship. He's the only one I have left at the moment. So the question is 3/4 Do I break up with him? Can I even break up with him? We never established a relationship, and it's obvious who he choose. Is it okay that this feels like a betrayal? He ignored me for a week before telling me that not talking to me was the hardest thing he's ever done, but he's the reason we weren't talking in the first place! I completely understand if this isn't something you want to answer but I haven't been able to talk to anyone about this bc no one understands the aroace thing. 4/4

hello! that is a complicated and uncomfy situation you’ve got there, anon. i think it’s definitely valid that that feels like a betrayal to you. as a reminder, folks, friendships and qprs are not lesser than romantic relationships, just different. you should not be prioritizing your significant other over all of your other friends just because you’re in a romantic relationship. no one person can be your answer to everything, and it’s important to not rely on them and put them on a pedestal simply because they have the s/o title.

anon, i understand not wanting to lose a friend, especially when that friend is one of the only ones you have, but if someone is hurting you and one of your defenses of them / reasons you want to keep the relationship is because they’re all you have, that isn’t healthy. being lonely sucks ass, but it’s better than sticking with an unsatisfying or unequal relationship out of desperation. the whole thing about him ignoring you for a week and then coming back and saying how hard it was, seems at best to be careless of your feelings and at worst downright manipulative and an attempt to make you sympathize with him while he actively avoids you. not only that, but the fact that his girlfriend seems to be a direct influence on your relationship with him, while you don’t even seem to consider her a friend based off of what you’ve told me, raises some red flags. her insecurity is not your responsibility, and he should have done a better job at communicating with her to put her at ease or walked away from someone who seems to be unable to keep herself from meddling in his other relationships. since he’s done neither of those things and allows her to continue affecting your relationship with him, i would agree with you and say that his priority is definitely with her.

honestly, if you have a relationship of any kind in your life that has reached the point where you feel the need to ask other people for advice on whether or not you should keep it, you’ve probably already made your decision and you’re looking for a justification for it. whether or not you want to keep trying to fix it or leave it is always going to be completely your choice, but if it was me in your shoes, i’d be cutting contact with them both or at the very least slowing it down. they’ve repeatedly ignored and dismissed your sexuality and your attempts at communicating to fix the relationship, and it seems to me that you feel as if you no longer have any agency in the way things are with him at all. healthy relationships of any variety require listening and communication and a give and take that is acceptable and comfortable to all parties involved. if your needs aren’t being met and you’ve communicated this, but your partner(s) haven’t listened or made any attempt to fix this, the relationship isn’t healthy. in a healthy relationship, you should not be made to feel as if you are powerless in it. walking away is hard and not an easy decision, especially when it seems like if you do you’ll lose all you have, but if all you have is making you feel shitty, it might be time to do what you can to find something new. if you’re concerned about not being able to find new friends, my inbox is always open and i’m also happy to point you to plenty of resources online to meet some new friends!

and remember folks, romantic relationships are not inherently superior to a friendship or a qpr!

[aroacechirrut]

Cishet Inclusionists need to stop acting like they’ve been respectful about the Pulse Shooting and here’s why:

“Aphobes are so damn lucky the pulse massacre happened :))”

“i've noticed that a lot of hatekeepers are latinxs and i'm not saying i'm voting for trump but if he won the presidency somehow this country would have a lot less aphobic people“

[Threatens to bring a gun to pride just days before]

“As if we don’t ever go to gay clubs, as if there are literally only “cishet aces” cause you know, only the homogays are in danger.  I’m sure the terrorist asked if any aces were in the club so they could flee to safety!!! (/s)  There could literally be a-spec people among the dead, and we will probably never know because we’re invisible, but better make sure a-spec people don’t open their mouths over this.  FUCK APHOBES. Fuck them all.”

“At least the LG community CAN HAVE NIGHTCLUBS... “ but then you rely on us to donate blood because you gays can’t donate :))) Bonus: “Maybe someone ace didn’t get shot there, but maybe someone an ace person LOVES DID.”

Excluding cishet aces is aiding people like the Pulse Shooter

“im glad at least a few more aphobic gays are gone from the earth“

“How do you know ace people weren’t in there?”

[Makes a block list full of LGBT people the day of] “I wasn’t aware of the shooting and im sorry that those Lgbtqia+ people lost their lives to the mass shooting. BUT this was a positive post with the sole intention to help aces and aros.”

“If anything LG allosexuals should be thanking US because of how many aroaces could be donating blood to save some shooting victims so :/ “

“I love how things like this can help me weed out acephobes so I can fucjing unfollow their asses”

“We’ll see how their gatekeeping stands up after a couple of more massacres.”

Post the day after: “whats with this gayer than thou bullshit?”

[Adds ace/aro flags to “Stop Killing Us” post]

[DBZ Memes in response to someone asking how they could make the Orlando Shooting about including cishets]

[Compared cishet aces making the massacre about themselves and said it’s just as bad for LGBT people to be made at aces] (This is the post referenced, which was right, if you’ll look above some aces were celebrating.)

I went to an Orlando Vigil and realized great ways to spread ace awareness.

[Threatens to fight LGBT people who don’t think cishet aces are LGBT two days after the massacre.][Persists when called out.]

[White blogger warned people to not support Latinx&LGBT&Loud because it didn’t include cishet aces][Even tho the creator said aces can celebrate and mourn literally any other day]

I don’t like the LGBT Anthology called “Love is Love” made to raise money/awareness in the Pulse aftermath because it’s arophobic.

So, to any inclusionist pretending like y’all have been respectful and reasonable human beings in the wake of this tragedy when really you’re just touting this in an attempt to silence mourning LGBT people who just want safe spaces with people who understand, shut up and never speak again.

[queerascat]

the #Jughead mess masterpost

this post marks the last time i’ll be responding to asks about / reblogs of the post i made about the fight for Jughead’s correct portrayal on the CW’s Riverdale. after 3 days of responding to nearly 15 asks / posts on the topic and the anxiety that that has caused me on top of everything else going on in my life, i’m calling it quits on that post. while i still stand by the admittedly unclear point that i was attempting to make, i do apologize to those who were hurt by my unclear wording. i’m also done with talking about asexual representation in general or fandom-related anything anymore. while i appreciate the kind words of encouragement i received, it’s not worth the cost to my mental health to talk about even my own representation anymore.

this post serves as both a future point of reference on the mess that took place on this blog and as a “self-serve” response to the future questions, accusations etc i’ll inevitably receive.

if you’re seeing this post because i linked you to it instead of actually responding to you, sorry not sorry. i’ve already tried my best and am now out of “best” to give. chances are the answer to your question(s) / response to your accusations can be found here. help yourself.

original post: what you mean is “keep Jughead true to character”

questions / accusations / responses: (quotes are not always direct)

“jughead is aro too holy shit.”

“i understand what you’re saying, but i’m upset because Jughead won’t be asexual.”

“…you trying to act like aces (and aros) are reacting to these news wrong bc they are not rejecting the idea that asexual ppl can’t do romance at all is honestly nonsense bc jughead is not only asexual, he is aromantic…” ie. why i chose not to explicitly refer to Jughead as aromantic & why my post was only about (his) asexuality.

“I appreciate that you voiced the separation between ace and aro…”

“it makes sense to shorten [keep Jugehead true to character] to “keep him ace"”

“My main concern is that the media is really bad with asexual representation, so my immediate thought is that since they’re giving him romances, it’s less of a "find yourself” journey and more of a “he’s straight now” situation.” ie. i also think CW is probably going to fuck up and portray Jughead as heteroromantic heterosexual.

the submission to Fuck Yeah Asexual by the anon i pissed off

“it is CLEAR from his wording that he means aromantic asexual and yet here you are, trying to strip this rep from us. you couldn’t have chosen a worse character to talk about while raising your flag of diverse ace rep, you arophobe.” ie. my usage of “character” was not meant to treat Jughead’s sexuality as a personality quark and i understand that aromanticism can be an intrinsic part of a person’s asexuality, but why does that forbid me from talking about only one section of that intersectionality?

“So what if aroaces want to conflate asexuality with aromanticism? How dare you demand that I be two pasted together orientations, actually.” ie. i still don’t understand how i did this and would still love to get some clarity on this (i suspect i understand, but?), but at this point am calling it quits on this particular post.

“how can you say aro aces have plenty of representation compared to romantic aces??? When have aces ever been explicitly aromantic in the media???”

“I’m not fighting for any “One True Asexual Narrative”, I’m fighting for Jughead’s Asexual Narrative. I am fighting for the narrative that could allow others to empathize with me, and give me something to relate to so I don’t feel like shit about my asexuality after watching too much TV. Please don’t attack us for wanting to see people like ourselves on TV, thanks. There is a huge difference between wanting to see someone like yourself and wanting “one true asexual narrative”–I honesetly do not understand how you came to this conclusion, this is one example, and there really are not any others in this medium? so how is there a pattern?” ie. yeah, fucked up and should have been clearer and not suggested that people are of a hivemind and are all fighting for a singular thing for a singular reason. that said, the pattern i spoke of does exist and here are some examples of it.

“You have no right to be upset, no one even did the stuff you’re claiming. Your reaction to Jughead’s erased aromanticism is “and?” You didn’t even care and that really hurt and made me feel attacked. I see the pattern you spoke of, but that has nothing to do with Jughead because he is canon ace and all those other examples are headcanons. Aces fighting for an already ace character to stay ace (in a way that includes his aromantic tendencies) is nothing like your examples.” ie.  ……once again, no matter how intersectional your or Jughead’s asexuality might be, my post was about one thing and one thing only and that was not aromanticism. it’d be nice if people would acknowledge that. also, there is a pattern with Jughead that ties into what i spoke of and the pattern affects more than just asexuals. 

“It still sounds a lot like you honestly think romantic aces are the ones being erased. My problem with this is that aro aces and especially allo aros are erased so much of the time in ace communities, yet when aro aces make something about them romantic aces scream erasure while completely ignoring the context.” ie. i do not think that romantic aces are “the ones” being erased. i was attempting to point out that more than one group of asexuals can be hurt by something, that the response to something hurtful can in and of itself also be hurtful to others if we are not careful. nothing i said was even about aromantic vs romantic aces and aces aren’t even the only ones being hurt.

or you could just browse my entire #Jughead tag in chronological order.

[queerascat]

yes, i'm trying to tell you something. jughead is aroace. do some aroace ppl do romance? yes ofc. but most don't and he, in the comics, don't. you trying to act like aces (and aros) are reacting to these news wrong bc they are not rejecting the idea that asexual ppl can't do romance at all is honestly nonsense bc jughead is not only asexual, he is a aromantic person who doesn't do romance. sure, the showrunners and the actor probably don't know shit about the split attraction model and conflate

aromanticism and asexuality/think asexuality means having no sex or romance at all, but we know that isn’t true and we know that jughead shouldn’t be interested in dating other people, be it for sex or romance. it’s not about asexual ppl not being allowed to date in movies, books or whatever (though it does happen), it’s about ppl erasing his aromanticism to talk about how asexuals do date when that isn’t the point at all. the point is that a person who don’t date, who doesn’t want sex ANDromance is being forced to do both in the series, and yes, it is acephobic but it is arophobic too. so you making this post that is at first 100% correct is honestly infuriating bc you are ignoring the fact that it wouldn’t be right if he were ace and dated people. it would be aro erasure and arophobia. you can’t just raise your flag for diverse asexual representation while ignoring the fact that this ace representation you think everyone is rejecting would be harmful to aromantic people in thiscase. just to be clear, i know conflating not wanting sex (or romance) with asexuality is wrong. i know these websites (and the actor) are saying things that aren’t true, and that ace ppl can do romance and sex just fine. i agree with you in that. but in your critique of how aces/aros are reacting to the news you are being insensitive at best and arophobic at worst. this is not just about ace representation, it’s about aro representation too and you simply erased that from the conversation withyour post (as did the people wanting to keep him asexual while ignoring that he is aromantic too, though i do think most aces are aware that when the showrunners say he is ace, they mean aro too). and no, i’m not that person you just reblogged.

(re: this post & this ask)

i made it a point in my original post to point out repeatedly how Jughead “having romances” with women in Riverdale would not be true to his character in the comics and how people should fight to have Jughead portrayed in a way that is true to character. that’s literally the title of the post. as i said in response to your original ask, i am guilty as charged of not once using the word “aromantic” in my post, but every time i spoke of Jughead’s portrayal in the comics and the deviance from that i was referring to more than just his asexuality. obviously you feel hurt that i did not explicitly refer to him as aro ace and i’m sorry for that, but i did not ignore the fact that there is more to Jughead than his asexuality.

why did i choose to not explicitly refer to Jughead as aromantic?why did i choose to focus my post entirely on him being asexual?

because i wanted to stick with what’s canon rather than refer to Jughead as something that neither he himself nor “the word of god” (or whatever fandom calls it, i honestly don’t even know) has referred to him as. hell, i would not even be referring to Jughead as asexual if it weren’t canon, regardless of how “obviously canon” it might be.

and yes, you have a point that the media is not conscious of the split attraction model or the distinction that many make between asexuality and aromanticism, but i am aware of and do make that distinction and that’s not something i can just overlook. especially since, for me personally, the usage of “asexual” to mean “aromantic asexual person who has no interest in relationship period” is what kept me from identifying as asexual for 10 years. the rest of the world may be oblivious to the difference, but i am not and never will be again. i cannot help that that will be reflected in how i respond to the media using asexual in that way, but you can damn well be sure that if Jughead being aromantic does become canon in the future i will be using that word to describe him just as much as i’ve used asexual.

anyway, going back to what i said earlier, i understand being hurt by the fact that i didn’t use the word aromantic anywhere in my post. whatever my reasoning for that, i do admit to being guilty of it. however, i will not plead guilty to the accusation that i ignored or even erased his sexuality beyond his asexuality and perpetrated arophobia myself because i did not. what i did was refer to the exact same thing that you are talking about in more words than “aromantic” and i failed to focus on that part of the problem. how is it arophobic and erasing of aromanticism to literally point at aromanticism repeatedly without using the actual word “aromantic” because you aren’t comfortable getting involved with fandom? that is what i don’t understand.

this is why i hate voicing myself about anything involving fandom. my weariness of dealing with canon / headcanons and the fallout that inevitably ensues because no matter how carefully i approach the subject, someone gets hurt.