#that post of “how you can tell a study was designed by an autistic person” frustrates me bc. i know its not everywhere but its MUCH BETTER

[crow-caller]

A lot of people think autism research is solely this vague grouping of evil non autistic people guessing at things from afar, but as much as that happens, I want to inform you with insider knowledge a lot of modern autism research is done by autistic people!

And a fun fact related to this: "autism" is a common special interest! As in, a lot of autistic people have autism itself as a special interest (esp women, perhaps bc they're likely to be late or self diagnosed). People with a special interest in autism are also more likely to get involved in autism research as participants, and thus there's a known overrepresention of it as a special interest in data

[cursedalthoughts]

SHIPGIRL APPRECIATION DAY - Kearsarge

USS Kearsarge. Let's start this post strong: Kearsarge is single-handedly the most unique character in the game (for legal reasons, in my opinion). Her design should already let you know why, but if you aren't seeing why, I will explain.

This post will divert a little bit from the formula I established post-DoY post (the first I did). It will include very, very heavy use of headcanons that are in no way supported by the lore, but I think are neat.

Personality-wise, Kearsarge knows she is superior. She is better than those other shipgirls that have decades of experience. That's simply a fact to her, and since it's a fact; all her actions do not come as arrogant. She just does things - she disregards your orders if she thinks they're not very efficient, she organizes your documents in a way she finds to be perfect regardless of what you prefer, she charges by herself or stays behind depending on the situation.

On occasion, I neglect your will and prioritize the here and now on the battlefield. While you are the Commander, sometimes you have to let your soldiers handle things – the sooner you accept this, the better.

Her approach isn't necessarily wrong, either. Despite this, Kearsarge is a very reliable shipgirl. She is, indeed, strong - her twelve 406mm main guns are accurate and devastating by themselves, but she also has access to a squadron of five F8F Bearcat attack aircraft. Her firepower is incomparable among Eagle Union backliners.

However, her personality doesn't stay like this forever. When you as the player character get closer to her, you discover she's just autistic. She deeply cares about you, but is so expressive about her emotions and trains of thoughts, it's easy to think she's just a self-centered arrogant woman who speaks with a detached tone. She will not outright tell you she's in love with you, but she will make you some borscht! (I should point out Kearsarge is, originally, a ship commissioned by the Soviet Union, hence her Russian influence). That's her love language.

USS Kearsarge, steel version.

Design-wise, I adore how the artist YD managed to take one of the ugliest ships in World of Warships and turn her into such a beautiful, unique, one-of-a-kind shipgirls. An angel descending from the machine, a seraphim clad in steel and powered by steam. A herald from another timeline, where the Eagle Union necessitated the construction of Kearsarge. Her rigging divided symmetrically in half, her turrets and their support structure taking the shape of 4 wings of white metal, the faux wings and herself connected to a floating halo device to act as a mediator between the flesh and the steel. Her planes up in the air, a ghostly echo. Her arms stretched outwards, "fear not".

In the event Parallel Superimposition the commander visits a simulation based on the anomalous data from the hull of Anchorage. We learnt a lot about Anchorage, Dr. Aoste, Dr. Anzeel, and the Type-II hulls. We also learnt Bon Homme Richard exists in this simulation. Now, I believe this realm to be strictly speaking a simulation - not a real universe. However, when the event ended; TB had managed to gather enough information on Yorktown II, Northampton II, Hornet II, Hammann II and Langley II. Laffey II, as much as she made an appearance, couldn't be studied. I am guessing the same goes for Bon Homme. Who is to say Kearsarge doesn't come from this simulation? Or that she comes from a universe that parallels this simulation?

Hopefully I shouldn't have to point the obvious similarities between Anchorage's rigging and Kearsarge's rigging. Anchorage is like a cherub accompanying the cyber-divine orchestra of Kearsarge's guns and planes.

-------

THIS WOMAN WILL NOT LEAVE MY MIND I HAVE SO MUCH BRAINROT FOR KEARSARGE

hopefully it's entertaining to read and y'all can see why i like her.

[evelhak]

📚

Since some people have evidently found my books through Tumblr despite of me not being very active on the Finnish side of it, I thought: why shouldn't I post about my books? It doesn't matter they are not available in English (yet, anyway) because I would be curious enough to read about stuff my mutuals do even if I couldn't read the actual material.

So, I plan to make a post about every book I write, do cover art for, or am otherwise involved with. Best case scenario is someone finds something new to read, worst case scenario is someone is bored.

This time, I'll introduce you to my debut novel:

☁️ Unitytöt ☁️

(dream girls)

Published: 2021 by Nysalor

Genre: New Adult, Fantasy, Slice of Life, LGBT+

Certainly not the first book that I wrote but this is my first published novel and my first cover project. ✨ I wrote this book in 2017 when I was about to graduate university, trying to juggle a full-time job as a mail carrier, nearly daily ballet training and writing both my original work and fanfiction which I also started doing the same year. The schedule turned out to be too much for my autistic brain and physical conditions. Regardless, I'm so happy I wrote this book!

It's a story about a technically bodiless creature, Venna, and a human, Aiju. Venna's species lives in people's heads or musical instruments because they need music to live. Venna is an outcast, and has been living in a wind chime to avoid people and their overwhelming array of feelings, which Venna's kind experiences directly in the human brain they are living in. Circumstances force Venna to move into the head of a young woman, Aiju, who is starting her studies at a temple (=a magic university). Unlike Venna's previous humans, Aiju can hear and feel Venna and is curious for, rather than scared of a new friend in her head. Aiju is also able to control and create elaborate dreamworlds where she and Venna can meet in their own separate forms. The two begin to live their life together, studying, enjoying music, maybe even falling in love when an older student is intrigued by Aiju's peculiar behaviour. It's a story about sharing a body and partially a mind, about merging, sense of self, neurodiversity and particularly sensitivity, and also abuse and healing. It's a slow love story, a fantastical exploration of the subconscious, a fantasy focused on characters and dreams that also touches on the larger context of the universe and existence.

I wrote this book because I had read many body sharing stories and was dissatisfied with the lack of portrayal of the ordinary every day experiences that would come with it, as well as I was with the ease with which body shifting creatures always seem to adapt to their new circumstances. I wanted to see more of the reality. I wrote this book because I had briefly introduced and later edited out a music eating demon in another fantasy story of mine, who possessed a girl and made her dance in a tavern until she fainted. I was curious what a story about a similar but gentle creature would be like. I wrote this book because themes of merging and separating your sense of self were relevant to me and I wanted to explore them through a fantastical world but also reality based concepts.

I was so much more nervous about the cover project than I was about actually publishing the story. I had zero experience apart from my personal cover doodles, no graphic design studies, and had only recently started learning Photoshop. Thankfully I'm still pretty happy with the cover, although there are technical details I would do differently. The most glaringly obvious one is the ginormous bar code. It was hard to tell how big it would actually look and my publisher had warned me not to make it too small, so I overdid it. My publisher is small so there are no resources to make test copies of the books, and it's due to the smallness of my publisher that I even had the opportunity to design the cover myself despite having no experience, just some visual skills.

I still like the cover art itself, the only problem which I did suspect back then too, is that in an attempt to make the cover dreamlike, it turned out a bit like children's literature. I was the only one who was worried about it, but in some libraries people have clearly thought this is aimed at 12-year-olds. I'm sure some of them would enjoy this, but it's a bit off. A lot of people have told me not to underestimate children, but it's not that I'm doing that, I'm simply aware that this book is not written in a way nor does it contain themes or life events that are relevant to very young people. It's a very psychological story and its issues are the most relevant to people in their late teens and early twenties. It's not that there's anything in this book that a 12-year-old couldn't handle, it's just going to be boring for most of them because it would be a lot to ask from a child's attention span to be interested in stuff they can't relate to for 400 pages. Even if many 12-year-olds still like to read about characters older than them, characters they can look up to, this book is written with people in mind who can relate to 20-year-olds. Of course there are exceptions. I probably would have loved this book as a 12-year-old. But I'm sure 90% of my peers would not have cared enough to finish it.

The cover seems to have done some of its job well too, because I know some people (adults) bought this book because they thought the cover was pretty, so that's good at least. Most of the feedback I've received has been really positive, the book seems to have found some of the readers it was clearly meant for. Some relevant criticism has also come my way and I believe I've learned some things since writing this book. The only really negative review I came across so far contained so many factual errors that it seemed the reviewer had been too busy to actually process the book. From that perspective it seems like the cover has also worked well enough to draw mostly the intended people towards the book.

The most memorable experience in its publication process was probably how it was chosen for an interview at the biggest national book fair by high school presentation/communication students who hold interviews on one of the stages there every year. It was such a good interview because the two students interviewing me clearly loved the book, related to it, and were excited to talk about it with me, and asked really thoughtful questions. I couldn't imagine a better first interview as an author. It was also the day the book officially came out. It was also my first time at that book fair (I don't often visit the capital) and I was the first author from my publisher to land an interview there, so I was really very nervous at first. I was unfortunately a COVID debut author so this was the only place I was able to present my book physically that year, which obviously affected its already marginal distribution. But it was such a lovely event for me that it is the more memorable for it.

I wish this book would find more readers who love dreamy, character driven and fairytale-esque fantasy. It's not without plot, mystery, or danger, but it's definitely not the best pick for someone who needs an epic, fast paced and world-shaking chain of events from their reading experience. This is for the other sensitive dreamers out there who just love to drown in characters, experiences and subtle magic, and would rather stop to contemplate it than to rush forward at all times.

[stxsis]

hi this post is rant about shepard's psychology and character design. someone recently gave me one of the best compliments i've ever received when they told me that they can see how much thought i put into my shepard and i loved that someone saw and appreciated that so i wanted to talk about what that process was like and the choices i made creatively and why i made them and sort of what my thoughts were on shepard's whole make up as a character.

the choices that i made in shepard's character design were specifically chosen to be stark opposites. i wanted to make a shepard who looked in all ways the most feminine and delicate, the most underestimated sort of woman who is often treated as almost like a doll, and then i gave her the most tragic backstory and the most ruthless follow up reputation (butcher of torfan).

i picked a combat class entirely opposite to my own (me personally? i'm always the team sniper. don't see me, don't get too close to me. i'll take your head off from across the map thank you) to embody this idea of her being just FULL OF RAGE like she will charge your ass into the ground and you will see her face before you die. a lot of her fighting is very up close and personal (which is fairly fearless) and she'll often stun her opponent with biotics and then execute them with a series of melee attacks. i wanted a shepard who looked harmless but who was capable of intense and unrelenting violence.

her renegade characteristics were about being indelicate in her diplomacy (as in, she has very little diplomacy), she speaks plainly and without pretense and she is fond of employing violence as the solution to any given problem (although i have to say there have been situations where simply the THREAT of her being incredibly violent has resolved canon situations with absolutely no violence like UNC Kyle where she just walks in and tells him to turn himself in and he's like yeah okay sure because he KNOWS shepard will slaughter his entire cult and sleep JUST FINE). it was designed to be opposite of what you would imagine the feminine resolution to be.

i also chose to make her very high empathy but extremely cold in her decision making to support a lot of the canon "renegade" decisions made throughout the game. i was not aware of my own autism a decade ago when i first conceived of shepard and made this blog, but in retrospect i really coded shepard with some of my most autistic traits by giving her an extremely black and white code of ethics and the ability to reduce life and death to a simple math problem. for example, rana thanoptis on virmire: i know personally that i would have let that woman live and then she would have turned around and killed a bunch of people in me3 because of being indoctrinated. we know that all of her work on virmire is studying indoctrination up close and personal. we should be able to very simply deduce that she is likely indoctrinated and therefore a huge liability and have the renegade option to remove her as a threat. ((unfortunately, the only option we are given for killing her in canon is actually to punish her for participating in evil experiments, which-- it's dubious at best whether she was even a willing participant.)) ignoring the canon dialogue for a moment, what i wanted to achieve in shepard's character design is someone who would take one look at rana thanoptis and shoot her dead because she's been exposed, and thereby without knowing it save the lives of a handful of asari two games later. this is death math + enough faith to pull the trigger, which also requires a fair bit of confidence in this math. to grant this confidence, religious faith seemed like a really key choice to add to shepard's character.

justifying her choices with a religious foundation that allows her to exist within this morally liminal space without the intense self doubt i think other characters might face given her choices was really to me a necessity because i couldn't imagine someone existing like this all the time and making these decisions all the time without some kind of ... for lack of a better phrase mental padding. not just for her confidence in her choices but also to assuage the guilt factor. i just think that unless she is a sociopath, this decision making would be an extremely taxing process for any person capable of empathy. so to bolster her morale and her confidence, i made her a deeply religious person. now only god can judge her and she can kill them all and let god sort them out. i also specifically made shepard catholic even though i myself am jewish because again, opposite to me, but there's a long historical precedent of catholic soldiers and the archetype of the paladin but also ALSO catholics have as a major part of their faith ABSOLUTION which to me is crazy like you can just say sorry and regret that you broke a few eggs to make the omelet if you say sorry about that, you can, through the church, be formally granted divine forgiveness (which to me personally i must reiterate is wild but go off).

a lot of formulating the explanation for shepard's choices on torfan was foundationally conceived around the thought experiment of the trolley problem. you can google it, but basically it's an ethical dilemma wherein you can choose to kill one person in order to save five people or to do nothing and let the five people die. i wanted to create a character who looked at this problem and would have shot that one person herself, who would beat them to death if she had to because she believes so staunchly in saving the five. so for me, this was about designing a person's psychology hugely around the concept of "death math," which is what i call calculating loss of life and making all of her decisions based on the outcome of those calculations (the key of all these being of course torfan). she was willing to put most of her unit to certain death and she was willing to execute surrendering slavers as part of her canon and so it was vital to me in her character concept to account for these decisions and to extrapolate them into the core of who she is. i even added in a headcanon that she sent her significant other to their death on torfan (not really 100% knowing he would die but still) because of the math.

none of this works by the way without shepard being from mindoir. mindor is a lynch pin for shepard to be the butcher of torfan and make decisions based on death math and still be an empathetic person. in my opinion, if you remove that foundational trauma from the character, she reads as a sociopath. which is fine, but i didn't want shepard to be a sociopath, i wanted her to struggle every day with the choices she made and to have a secret roiling layer of guilt and self doubt that no one ever sees but she stamps down every second of her life with whiskey and jesus.

here's how it works: she's seen the uglier thing. that's what it comes down to. if you don't murder ever single slaver on this base, she has seen up close and personal what will happen. so every decision she makes is TO PREVENT MINDOIR. her most basic psychological programming is to make the sacrifice of committing whatever lesser violence is necessary to preserve the most civilian lives. civilians first always. and she is willing, enthusiastically willing, to beat the life from every slaver in the galaxy with her own bare hands if she has to in order to protect innocent lives. she will commit atrocities and possibly even war crimes if it means saving lives or serving the greater good. the violence of it will haunt her late at night some days, sure. but she will tell herself that this is what's necessary, have a drink and a prayer, and go to bed with no real regrets.

[0hcicero]

It’s not fair. It fucking sucks. I’m sorry society did not give you a fair hand and that the way academia is designed makes it extremely difficult for anyone who isn’t allistic/non-disabled/with good mental health to succeed. I’m so sorry it’s such a struggle for you right now. I’m sorry it’s not fair.

There isn’t anything I can say that will make what you’re dealing with right now easier, but I hope you’re not discounting what the other people on this post are saying either — that weird is not a workplace death sentence. Your professor is wrong. Your professor may be an expert in being a professor/his field, but they are still just a fallible person, too. They see things through their lens, the same way you see things through yours. It doesn’t it make it truth or the way things are (or will always be).

I know that probably doesn’t mean much now, when you’re in the thick of these emotions and all of this overwhelming school work and the shitty things your prof is saying, but I hope somehow this lands. I would rather work with someone like you any day of the week. I don’t even need to know how competent you are in the field you’re studying to say that. Just the sheer amount of effort and willpower it takes to go through school while autistic, the clear determination you have even in the face of a ton of very shitty struggles at the moment, it all tells me that you’re the type of person who would be passionate and determined about your chosen field, and you’d do what it took to be *competent*. Because you already are.

Anyway last week my professor told the class "coworkers will put up with poor technical skills but they won't put up with weird" and after class I just went and sat in my car and cried bc how am I supposed to survive if I still don't seem "normal" even though I've been doing behavioral therapy since first grade but masking hurts so goddamn bad that I'm only doing two classes a week rn but I'm still falling apart and barely functioning every day and barely getting my work turned in bc i come home from class and collapse for days at a time and its just not fair, its not fair, why do other people get to be the normal, why do jobs get to be easy for other people, why are 66% of autistics unemployed/underemployed its not FAIR

[sometipsygnostalgic]

going off about Entrapta

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Okay, wonderful, so here’s some a lot of bullet point thoughts on animation’s second-best pink haired, autistic, queer, science princess war criminal (if i had a penny etc):

CHARACTER DESIGN GUSHING

I love her design. Love love love.  So much thought went into it - she’s one of the best case studies I’ve seen on how to design an animated character, which is hilarious because I roasted the show for its designs earlier on. Hint: It works to make her as animated as possible!  

Seriously, the dark purple, pink accents on gloves and shoes, how she clearly cuts her own hair because the fringe shape is a bit fucked, how the dungaree straps are always hanging down in early seasons then pulled up from Beast Island because they’re constantly on the run and she is barely more focused, how her hair is a dull purple but her eyes are this bright laser-pink colour which works perfectly for how expressive she is (making it more chilling the time they turn grey), the proportions of her boots gloves loose jeans and hair to her tiny body, how her hair is constantly used to animate her expressions in a way the other characters can only dream, and that’s not even touching on the MASK!

The first mask has this anime villain robot design, it’s mechanical and scary, the second one is this also-scary-but-cuter more organic bug mask. First one is black with red eyes, second is purple with blue eyes. First mask is very square, perfectly round eyes, second one is oval shaped with two cracks, one on the eye and one on the mouth. This change is a symbolic representation of what Entrapta looks/maybe wants to be on the outside (emotionless robot scientist) versus what we now know she’s really like (human, cracked, adorable, like everyone else). Also represents the Beast Island ordeal in itself. Imperfections are beautiful! 

Final note on the design change, the mask is less helmet-like. It goes over her face but Entrapta’s ears are always visible now which is half of why she looks so different. Finally listening to people, insofar as it’s possible for her. 

oh also the space suit is adorable and she doesnt wear a mask with it at all because she doesnt need to “mask” anymore hint hint, it’s actually based specifically on her first design, not her second, so the space suit has decals for the black “head band” and hanging dungaree straps. i love how the arms and legs are chunky just like her gloves and rolled up jeans. 

looks adorable in the cloak in the back-to-earth episode

it’s really funny how entrapta is the number 1 clothes designer on etheria and yet wears the exact same shirt for like 2 years, THROUGH beast island, only changing during the winter episode

okay so that was most of what i wanted to say that i havent already posted somewhere else in the past 24 hours, i really wanted to go off about her design

CHARACTER RAMBLINGS

I love how Entrapta covers her face with her mask when she’s upset, she doesn’t know how to talk about negative feelings and tries to hide them, which in turn makes her issues with others worse because they think they’re talking to a wall. Unfortunately that makes her a target for others projecting onto her what they THINK she feels. They decide that she doesn’t care, or feel hurt, because she’s not good at demonstrating she does. Have I talked about how much you can learn of a person’s volatility when they treat you like you have no feelings? 

She also has the wildest fucking mood swings. Usually at the SAME TIME. Entrapta is quick to distract herself with her tech obsession whenever she is feeling down.  

See below for two examples demonstrating both these points, the first being when Adora tells her Catra’s not really her friend (mask) and she can’t open the portal (unmask), the second being when they say they would’ve come sooner but thought she was with Hordak (mask) and Adora mentions the heart of Etheria (unmask): 

She’s totally a workaholic, occasionally an unhealthy one who focuses on work to escape her problems, but she genuinely loves all of her work unlike a certain other mad scientist princess. It helps when you’re the Princess of a kingdom with no citizens because everyone seems to have mysteriously vanished-- wait, what???   

When I was watching She-Ra and Entrapta had several spotlight eps in a row, but I’d never heard of her before, I was totally expecting her to get bussed into a corner at some point like every other character of her archetype. I was deeply surprised when this never happened, even when she eventually got bussed in season 4, catra’s betrayal of her was the catalyst for 60% of the conflict, then Entrapta came back as basically the MVP of season 5, with dialogue/growth in every episode except for the Netossa batman ep where she still appeared to chase after some tech.  

What surprised me most was when she started interacting with Hordak, because you have this character who is pure, wide-eyed comic relief just walk up to the most generically evil villain imaginable, and they hit it off??? how??? how does this work?? why is it so fun to watch?? somehow entrapta being so naive and head-in-the-stars makes hordak trust her, and then she forces him to admit he’s actually an edgy teenager with daddy issues who wants to prove he can be a war criminal, and suddenly i like the show’s central conflict waaaay more. 

This opened the door for Catra and Hordak’s conflict to become way more compelling than it would have been had Entrapta never been utilised in that way. I could gush more about those two, but that’s another post.  

I love the Beast Island stuff because up to that point I basically thought Entrapta was invincible. She had been “killed” with the princesses, saw Catra’s interrogation and threat of torture as a fun game, confidently disrespected the evil big bad who had half-suffocated Catra to death 30 minutes hour prior, became his besty, and only shown any vulnerability in a few moments of Season 3. Then you reunite with her on Beast Island and it turns out she THRIVED, because of COURSE she did, and she’s the only one who seems “immune” to the incredibly deadly self esteem zapper, and as soon as she says “bye visit again” I panicked because I thought “they’re going to leave her here like Steven Universe left Peridot at the barn”. But when Entrapta starts talking about how she’s not fit for friendship and turns around it’s like HOLY SHIT.  

HER EYES. As above, LASER BEAM pink the entire show, non stop enthusiasm, and now she suddenly gives up on living because her friendships went to shit, so she looks dead inside! Basic arc? Yes. Powerful, especially watching as another autistic person who can’t keep friends? Absolutely.  Anyway my point is I love that she’d been gradually affected by the plot of the show, and it’s great to rewatch all those earlier scenes because I can now SEE how she’s affected by them rather than continuing with my earlier assumption that Entrapta didn’t give a shit about anything that happened to her.  

It’s really funny that Adora’s comment about the ship IMMEDIATELY broke her out but I don’t think that would have worked if Bow’s comments hadn’t already started getting through to her. Very sweet moment. 

Can I just say, Bow and Entrapta are an underrated friendship? Even though he’s easily triggered by her recklessness, Bow spends the entire show trying to get her to join their side again, and chasing her shadow as a tech expert. Bow completes this journey by executing her program in the finale, together they hack something more complex than Etheria has ever seen and save the universe from Prime’s mind control.  She is genuinely happy to speak to him, even when they’re enemies. They’re also a comedy duo together because Bow is the straight man to Entrapta’s bold madness. They also have a son. Wrong Hordak is their son legally now.   

Super Pal Trio is a big comfort of mine because unlike the Best Friend Squad’s occasionally nauseating BFF rainbow vibes, they’re all a bunch of misfits who found each other, and are squadmates trying to figure out how friendship works. It’s tragic because it doesn’t work out, even though they care about each other, Entrapta grows distant from the other two while Catra projects so many of her issues with Adora onto her, and eventually betrays her even more violently, leaving Scorpia no choice but to walk away to help Entrapta and herself.  

Unlike their Avatar counterpart in Azula’s fucked up friendgroup, however, these three are all friends again at the end. Obviously Scorpia betrayed the Horde to help Entrapta, and they interacted in season 5′s “Launch”, but what was even more compelling was Catra apologising to her on the space ship. I read Noelle’s fic which expanded on this and showed Entrapta helping Catra to deal with the guilt of being a possibly-irredeemable war criminal who nearly ended the universe and hurt all of their friends. In the other fanfics I’ve read since, their dynamic is probably the most interesting to me - people have lovely ideas for them being reliable friends after their conflict, being able to open up to each other. Very satisfying after how much torment they went through in season 4 over this betrayal. I just wish they got more scenes with Scorpia in season 5.  

CHARACTER RAMBLINGS PART 2: MORE AUTISM-SPECIFIC CHARACTER RAMBLINGS  

Read this article first. 

I love how her autistic characteristics are not sugarcoated - Entrapta’s genuinely awkward, her way of speaking is unstable, her reactions are barely contained. She’s jarring to the other characters but in a way that’s extremely relatable to people across the spectrum, not just those who would only get diagnosed with mild aspergers a few years ago. Which is a step ahead of other “””autistic””” characters who are only retroactively labelled as such because they were white male smartasses who were nasty to everyone and had weirdly high charisma whenever they wanted. Entrapta has an incredibly low charisma stat.  

I’ve already talked about Entrapta’s “masking” above. It’s relevant here. 

So the episode “Launch”, season 5 episode 2,  is such a nostalgia trip to me. It’s the ep in the show that most directly addresses the conflict between Entrapta’s autistic characteristics, and neurotypical characters like the other princesses, a conflict which had been delayed for 4 seasons due to her defection to the weirdly more tolerant Horde.  

It also sets the tone for the rest of the season for what Entrapta’s arc looks like, what her insecurities are, and where her true goals sit. 

The entire episode from Entrapta’s side is like a flashback to my own past, when I was a 12-15 year old army cadet, still kind of feral because I had debatably less parental guidance than even Entrapta, so I was scared of trying anything new, was very unfit, didn’t know how to look after myself (my dad - an instructor - once forced me to wash my face and arms in a public canteen), and I CERTAINLY did not know how to engage with others or communicate when I was upset. The other Princesses, a very tight ship at that point who were getting used to leadership, were like the other junior cadets and the NCO cadets. And even though the cadets were really good people who looked out for me, they didn’t like that I was a bit disruptive, easily upset, childish for my age, unintentionally rude, and needed more support to do things they found easy.

That happens to Entrapta here - she’s trying her best but pisses everyone off, and we both had the habit of apologising for messing up and literally running away whenever this happens. Seriously - I got in a lot of trouble for this. When Mermista chases Entrapta over enemy lines is very moving to me, because some of the Cadets looked out for me the same way. Mermista’s a really good person who takes care of her teammates even if she doesn’t get them. The ACF was full of good leaders, who I really hope are doing well now. 

Shout out to how they ran so far, everyone else was out of breath. 

Other than this weirdly personal experience I like how Entrapta just smiles blankly at some points in the episode, either not processing the information others  are giving her, or not reacting how they expect her to.  I have historically been exactly the fucking same.  

I’m now self aware of this, however, and able to weaponise it. Especially when I don’t trust someone. Do you know how much you can learn about someone by just... being silent, and letting them fill the void? If someone can’t stand your lack of reaction they’ll release any abusive tendencies. That’s ANOTHER thing that happens in this ep - all the princesses get super aggro because they think she doesn’t care about them. (Meanwhile we can relate this back to how Catra treats Adora - Catra thinks Adora doesn’t care about their relationship and is constantly trying to provoke her as a result.)  

I like how it’s not just her being responsible for the breakdown in communication, the others have to accept responsibility too.  

I like how on the space ship Bow keeps initially rejecting Entrapta’s crazy ideas until gradually accepting and being a part of them. 

I like how over the show it’s revealed that while Entrapta’s special interest in technology is fundamentally important in shaping the plot, it’s not actually her biggest strength - That would be her ability to see into people. Or as Noelle put it:  

This becomes, as the article says, basically the key conflict of the final season - Horde Prime’s endgame goal is to dehumanize and violate everyone, his characteristics are perfect manipulation, a lack of recognition for sapience and worth in anyone except for himself. Entrapta meanwhile is complete tolerance of individuality, she has NO ability to manipulate anyone, no sense of malice or superiority, she empathises with people who have been dehumanised and who feel lost, because she’s been there herself and is aware of her own shortcomings. She’s also the reason Hordak turns against Prime - I think if there was a character who is the anti-Prime, it would be Entrapta, and it’s got NOTHING TO DO with how good she is at tech. Of course, I could comment how Entrapta’s passionate indie tech makes quick work of the Galactic Horde’s industrialised cult bullshit, but that’s insignifcant compared to how the theme of the season is how everyone’s flaws, cracks, and experiences individuate them and give them free will.  

The above is why the cut scene is so chilling. Horde Prime screams at Hordak, and Entrapta using Hordak’s body, that they’re unloved, worth nothing. Adora and Catra’s battle against Prime in “Save the Cat” was compelling and personal, in particular how Prime had erased all of Catra’s... everything, and replaced it with himself, but after that episode, their story is more focused on each other. Prime’s main rival becomes Hordak and his friendship with Entrapta as a pair of barely functional adults, both feeling like they could  never “pass” and fit in.

Characterised by how the conflict hasn’t truly ended until they reunite. 

I love when she befriends her new son Wrong Hordak and teaches him social cues, and poor Wrongdak is so bad at winking that even Entrapta cringes a little. It’s so cute when she introduces him to Emily. I love how she’s just able to do this with anyone who’s never had friends before. Even Scorpia left the Horde because her brief, kindling friendship with Entrapta made her realise Catra was treating them both like garbage trash.  

Of course, I don’t think Entrapta’s perfect as autism representation. Nothing is, but when you directly confirm a character as being on the spectrum you have to worry about being respectful in ways vaguer characters don’t.  While she very effectively captures that fear of never fitting in, especially because she’s unable to mask herself like other characters (eg. Catra and Adora) can, people may be put off by her stereotypical or demeaning characteristics.  

Rather, she is a tech savant. She’s written to be really annoying to the other characters, and neurotypical audience members. Her lack of social skills is always played for laughs. She constantly runs into danger. The most offending thing of all is when they make a joke of putting her on a leash. Sure I get that she’s ALSO kind of feral, and it’s a Peridot reference, but jesus fucking christ. Were they not thinking when they did that???    

Most examination is through other characters rather than, say, us looking at the show through Entrapta’s eyes (which is why I love the scenes with Hordak in s3 because those are from her point of view).   

Also she’s the only known autistic character in the show, the only one coded and confirmed to be neurodivergent, which in itself is a bit alienating - though I do approve of fan speculation that Adora is autistic or has ADHD. 

Adora and Entrapta even have many similarities. You just have to look at their interactions with Bow, lol. Especially in Corridors. But another one is they both blame themselves when their relationships to other people fall apart, they think it’s their own fault. Which is very common for people on the spectrum. Adora thinks she isn’t trying hard enough to get Catra to join her, or to help Glimmer be queen.   

Also, largely unrelated, but like I said they have huge fucking parallels vis a vis Catra. I’d say their RELATIONSHIP to Catra is not at all similar (yeah Catra and Adora have this whole years of being raised together thing), but their bullheadedness and role in her downward spiral is weirdly mirrored. To the extent she betrays them identically, and has guilt-fuelled nightmares of them both in season 4.  And they’re the people that it was most important Catra apologise to. (Scorpia being there too obviously - Scorpia is closer to Adora on the relationship side of things to Catra, always believing in her and taking her abuse until Catra goes too far, whereas Entrapta reflects Adora’s rivalry as Shadow Weaver’s favourite by becoming Hordak’s favourite and “protecting” Catra, setting off her inferiority complex.)

OTHER SPECULATIONS/HEADCANONS

Okay so I’m working on my headcanons for Dryl. I LOVE how weirdly mysterious her backstory is. I think it’s pretty evident Entrapta had no family growing up, her castle is boobytrapped so only she can use it, it’s repeatedly made clear she hasn’t spoken to any humans other than her Tiny Food kitchen staff for years, and it’s hard to explain why. If you look at the version of Dryl in the reality where Hordak doesn’t exist, it’s still the same - it’s not some fantasy version where everybody’s there - so it’s hard to say if the Horde have any responsibility for Entrapta’s lack of family. I have been trying to work this in a fanfic, but yeah the portal AU throws me for a loop.   

Maybe they died in a science experiment. If you REALLY want to make things angsty, you can headcanon that she actually has no idea where they went. Maybe they vanished after an experiment, or everyone evacuated to escape the Horde and got captured, while she was left behind because she wandered off and was messing around in the vents. Entrapta does think from the outset that she’s a handful and people will abandon her, maybe she thinks that’s what happened to her as a kid.  

These two robot dads(?) never appeared in the show.  Did they break? She didn’t seem to worried about the robots getting wrecked. 

I think the hair is magic. If it got cut off I wonder if it would grow back or if it would just take another 15 years to grow? She would risk a science experiment to have it grow faster lol. 

I don’t see Entrapdak as a romantic relationship immediately. Maybe potentially? But it’s REALLY not important - what I love about those two is that they are just learning how to be friends, their first real friendship. I do think their fandom misses the point here. 

She’s canonically bisexual/pansexual, or at least panromantic. Or at least has flirted with lots of girls and one gender non assigned robot. Noelle thinks Entrapta is poly. Would date, like, a lot of people. Largely robots. I live for this. I love how flirtatious she can be, very funny. 

Mara 🤝 Entrapta - fucked the space ship. 

Don’t ask me why she is the only princess in the show with no magical superpowers besides “hair good”. She doesn’t get any glowy powerups, her hair might not even be actual magic since it looks like Kid Entrapta didn’t have any hair magic, so it can still be argued as tech. This point is debated among the crew themselves.  Also why is she the princess of nothing. I have so many questions. 

I headcanon the super pal trio hang out regularly and cause chaos post story. I have been reading a fanfiction to this effect and it is the best thing ever. 

And yeah that’s it. That’s, like, everything. Here. Take it. 

[theoliviaset]

hey hi sorry for the random ask but im just wondering if you have that system brain scan study ive seen mentioned a few times? im trying to help educate someone who thinks plurality isnt "based in objective measurable reality" and i think that would be the best way to do it :)

So there are actually a couple of different brain scan studies I found. Here is a systemic review published in 2020. The references should provide some more studies too.

However, I am in a philosophical mood at the moment! So I want to add some caution on this topic.

First, as far as we've seen, the only brain scans studies into plurality have been with systems with DID. My guess is that systems with OSDD would likely see similar structural changes. However, I'm not entirely confident in that. The diagnostic difference between DID and OSDD-1 give me reason to think that the structural brain differences could be less pronounced, or might not be present at all. The recurrent amnesia and marked distinction between personality states could be a contributing factor. So, I would really love to see studies into systems with OSDD-1 as well as non-disordered systems (systems who do not meet clinically significant levels of distress or dysfunction).

Second, being an undiagnosed autistic system I am always cautious of brain scans being used to "verify" psychological situations. MRIs are expensive. Studies take time and money. And diagnostic codes are things that can be sent to insurance companies for billing purposes.

We aren't readily going to get access to a brain scan. We do however display certain symptoms that are evident to us directly. A brain scan cannot tell us we do or don't share our mind with other people. Similarly it cannot say that we do or don't think in an autistic way. We simply do meet the diagnostic criteria. We relate to others in these communities too well for us to think that our experience is not like theirs.

Lastly, brain scans can't actually prove to us that plurality is real. Sure, they can give us a lot of evidence. But that evidence is that something is going on. We need to take the accounts of the systems involved to build a picture of how those brain scans relate to the inner experience. And that presupposes plurality. It's easy to suppose that there is in fact only a singular person/self/identity within that brain, and the structural changes creates an illusion of multiplicity. This is something we've been hit with countless times. So, brain scans might help your case, but someone willing enough can find ways to still dismiss those.

At the end of the day, we like to use the utility argument for plurality (check our pinned post to see more detail on it). Essentially, which explanation provides more utility: someone is experiencing something incredibly elaborate that requires many caveats when discussing their conscious experience, or that theres multiple people sharing a body? We find the latter to be better at accounting for our experience, and that alone is good enough reason to designate its status as true.

-Moxie {O}

[t4tlawlight]

Occam's razor is the principle that, of two explanations that account for all the facts, the simpler one is more likely to be correct.

this post is going to cover traits specific to the manga and the television drama, since those are the best adaptations to showcase L’s autism. THIS POST is required reading before you read anything i’m about to type, because it explains what kind of character niche L falls into--an unintentionally autistic coded character. i’ll talk more about that at the end.

i’m going to talk about manga L first, since he’s the original version after all. i’m going to go in order of physical traits, to behavioral, to his character writing. also, tumblr eats posts that have outside links, so i’m going to have my non-tumblr sources in a separate post, here.

anyways, more under the cut!

MANGA/ANIME:

sitting with his legs up and spine bent / sitting on the floor

this is such a big one and its extremely common in ppl with autism. sitting in chairs normally is uncomfortable to outright painful w many ppl with these disorders, myself included. L sitting like that (which, to recall, is a blatant homage to sherlock holmes, another character that is so blatantly autistic coded you can find absolutely ridiculous amounts of writing on the topic) and being like "I HAVE TO SIT LIKE THIS TO THINK PROPERLY" is so autistic. like sitting in a certain way to give you specific sensory stimulus/avoid distracting discomfort and pain is a thing. i found this post (1) written by an autistic person on the topic of sitting in chairs being uncomfortable, and it says as much:

“I suspect that seating discomfort is common in autism (though by no means limited to autistic people). Many of us, particularly as children, benefit greatly from chairs designed to be non-stationary: rocking chairs, “fidget” chairs, and so forth. These can improve focus, compensate for proprioceptive hypo-sensitivity, and alleviate restlessness. In short, many “attention issues” can be fixed simply by providing a little motion for the person sitting. Small change, huge results. That's what accommodations do at their best. They make (often minor) adjustments that have profound impacts.”

so when L says that sitting the way he does, for a specific sensory experience, improves his ability to think, it’s perfectly in line with this idea. Also it’s a good pressure stim.

standing with a slouch / shifting his weight around

to begin: yes! it’s very common for autistic people to stand or walk oddly for a number of different reasons, from physical comorbidity to other issues such as dyspraxia (see: movie L). From an article by YAI (2), an I/DD (intellectual and/or developmental disabilities) community program:

“Kyphosis (a curved spine), collapsed chest, dropped shoulders and even scoliosis are observed in many of our patients. These myriad of postural issues may result from reduced strength, decreased biomechanical stability, or from a sensory impairment, such as apraxia. 

Depending on the scene, L has mild to severe kyphosis which is very common in autistic individuals. Other things mentioned in that article if you want to click on it is instability in standing, where you sort of shift your weight around a lot between your  feet or rest all of your weight on one foot, which L is literally doing the first time we see all of him.

speaking with a monotone voice.

i obviously can’t show a picture for this one and it honestly depends on the voice actor you find for L, but in the anime in particular L has a very flat tone. a lot of this is bc he has a dry sense of humor but. just know that it’s very common for autistic people to have a flat affect (or go the other way into being too loud/emotive).

his eating habits. 

a lot (a LOT) of autistic ppl myself included can only eat certain kinds of food for texture and flavor reasons. HOWEVER there’s a term in the autism community called “samefoods” which is really well put by tumblr users candidlyautistic and autism-asks: 

“Samefoods or samefooding is a community word to describe the autistic trait of eating the same food over, and over and over . . . It is part sensory, part routine driven in most cases. A lot of times we samefood because we need that particular mouthfeel / texture / taste, and a lot of times even after that need passes, it turns into a need for routine until you actively dislike that food again.”

“Samefooding on the other hand is closer to a special interest. When I have a samefood (chocolate ice cream, currently), I really, really want that food. I could eat that food endlessly and not get tired of it. I will get upset if I’m not able to have the food in a day. For me, it usually is kind of routine based as well. For instance, with my current samefood, I have some in the evenings and it’s become part of how I wind down from my day.”

we don’t know exactly why L specifically desires sweet food or if he considers it part of his routine, but what we do know is that he really wants to eat sweet food and avoids eating anything other than sweet food, so it could either be that he’s a picky eater and can’t handle savory or he’s samefooding on sweets!

wearing the same clothes

L wears the same clothes every single day. It’s also worth noting that what he does wear is baggy, too-big clothing, the kind that wouldn’t be tight and uncomfortable. once again, sensory issues are a huge thing for autistic individuals. one of my favorite aspects is that in no adaptation does he wear socks. even L wears shoes, he wears them like slippers, not putting them on all the way. people comment that he seems like he’s poor, but we know for a fact that he’s very rich and that wearing these clothes is a personal choice he made.

not caring for himself/outsourcing his self-care

i don’t think one day is exactly canon, rather it’s an exaggeration of what might actually happen--i.e. L doesn’t have a huge closet full of the same outfit, but he does have several versions of the same outfit on rotation; L doesn’t use a human washing machine, but Watari might help him/encourage him to bathe regularly. One Day is a parody comic, but it was made by the creators for a reason and that reason is that L pretty obviously relies on a caretaker (Watari) for his personal needs. Watari, in the manga proper, cooks and cleans and does most things for L. we’ll come back to this topic when we get to the drama though.

doing stimming behaviors

if you don’t know what stimming is, it refers to self-stimulating behaviors, usually involving repetitive movements or sounds. everyone stims to some extent, but in autism it tends to be more obvious, go on for longer, and sometimes be more disruptive to others. it’s often used to help deal with sensory overload, or used to express feelings--think of an autistic person being happy and flapping their hands in the air.

there are a LOT of instances of L displaying stimming behavior, from stacking his food or things on his desk, to spinning in his chair, to biting his fingers/using them to press on his lips, to wriggling and tapping his toes. here are some specific instances:

there are a lot more. i’ll talk about more when we get to dramaverse, but if you rewatch/reread death note it’s definitely worth noting whenever L does something like this!

detective work as a special interest

ok, first and foremost i want to establish what a special interest is. Tumblr user cartoon has my favorite explanation of what a special interest is that i’ve seen to date: 

“To have a deep, intense, passionate and incredibly focused / narrowed interest in a certain area of study, subject, topic or thing - to the exclusion of other interests. This interest is something that exists for the long-term, most often lasting for multiple months, years, or even you’re entire life “

L says that he only does detective work because it’s a hobby, and he finds it entertaining. We’ve also seen that he’s been at it for quite some time--if you take side content (the wammy’s house comic, LABB) seriously, then he’s been at it since childhood, with unwavering interest. it definitely comes across to me as L having a special interest in detective work, rather than it just being a normal hobby or a job for him, especially since he says it isn’t out of any moral obligation.

germaphobia

Germaphobia is very common for individuals with autism. a lot of the time it’s actually sensory issues associated with “dirty” things, and a lot of the time it’s because features of OCD are heavily comorbid with autism, including contamination OCD and such fears. regardless of the reason, though, L’s aversion to touching Bad Things is a very autistic behavior, and so is his resulting quirk that he tends to hold things in a very odd manner!

muted emotional expression

this is getting more into L’s character, but L tends to feel and express emotions in a very muted way. not to say he doesn’t have them, but for instance in the example above, L doesn’t have a solid grasp on what exactly he’s feeling. he thinks he might be acting irrationally and overemotionally because he logically should be afraid, but he isn’t sure, and none of these emotions present themselves visibly. 

i’ve also seen it said that Ukita’s death is another good example of his muted response to emotion--he tells Aizawa to stay rational and his voice doesn’t waver as he tells him as much, but he holds himself tightly. for someone with poor emotional competence, these physical signs of distress can be hard to read in oneself, but Aizawa (a man who is extremely in-tune with his emotions) can tell immediately.

high logic, low empathy

L is also a character who, like many autistic people, lacks a certain degree of empathy. it’s not that he doesn’t have any, but it’s limited enough--and he values logic over it enough--that he’s willing to make extreme decisions and take a “ends justify the means” approach (such as using people as bait.) in the example above, L takes a moment to work through what it must actually feel like, which rings as very autistic.

bluntness/not caring about social convention

there are so many examples of this i honestly could list them all day, but L is a character who is very to-the-point and doesn’t care about mincing his words. he can be outright rude to the people around him, especially if he considers them not worth basic courtesy. see: Matsuda. 

DRAMAVERSE

if you all knew me you should have known this section is inevitable. i’m not going to talk about every single adaptation because i do not have the time and the only other adaptation that is meaningful in that regard is the movieverse (i am fairly certain that movie L is dyspraxic) but on account of the fact that i don’t care about them i won’t subject you all to them here.

anyway, drama L shows much the same traits as animanga L above (they are, after all, technically the same character) but he displays them in different ways. 

he has a much more advanced degree of germaphobia, with Watari saying he’s sensitive to outside air and spraying everyone who enters his space with disinfectant, but not making them wash their hands or anything like that, so we can kind of tell that his issues are more rooted, again, in a fear of germs rather than any actual medical issue. he wants to feel as though he is clean, not necessarily actually be clean. this is very common in contamination OCD, which has a high comorbidity with autism. (my girlfriend has a very good headcanon post about drama L and OCD that isn’t so much analysis than just plain fun, but it’s worth a read!)

he stims, but he has a different array of stims than animanga L--he chews on his jelly pouch bottles, 

he tosses it between his hands, 

he kicks his feet,

and he bounces in his chair.

he still sits in an unconventional manner. he still samefoods, this time even more exclusively--he only eats Lucky Charge jelly pouches and nutritional bars. Watari onscreen puts his shirts on for him, as well as cooking, cleaning, and mending his clothes for him.

however, there are a few traits that are drama-exclusive that i think really add to an analysis of his autism!

social scripting

social scripting and echolalic scripting are both commonly described as “scripting,” but are very different! echolalic scripting is like echolalia, but echolalic scripting is the recitation of longer passages of dialogue from things the individual has heard before. but social scripting is when you memorize common conversations so you can rattle it off without worrying too much! this can be very handy, such as exchanging basic pleasantries or ordering food, but it can also backfire if someone responds in a way your script’s not set up for. you can find more information on the difference in this video (3). 

now, this relates to L in that there are two separate scenes where L says the same thing, rather inappropriately:

L: When I consider Kira’s personality, could it be that the strong-willed daughter is Kira? Or could that sweet-looking son of yours surprise us by proving to be him? You never know what humans are hiding beneath the surface... Soichiro: Enough. L: Sorry. It was just a joke.

-- Episode 2

L: Light-kun. Oh, I’m sorry... If I called you “Yagami-san,” it would be the same as what I call your father.  Light: That’s okay. Call me whatever you want. L: Then what about Kira? (silence) L: It's a joke.

-- Episode 4

one could say that L just has a terrible sense of humor--and, of course, having a poor grasp of humor is common with autistic individuals--but the fact that he says nearly the same thing as a defense twice makes me feel as though he has it rehearsed as a defense when people react poorly to things he’s said, which happens often.

mirroring and echolalia

echolalia was briefly covered in the previous example, but for those unaware, via wikipedia (4):

Echolalia is the unsolicited repetition of vocalizations made by another person (when repeated by the same person, it is called palilalia). In its profound form it is automatic and effortless.

mirroring, on the other hand, is explained as such, also via wikipedia (5):

Mirroring is the behavior in which one person unconsciously imitates the gesture, speech pattern, or attitude of another. Mirroring often occurs in social situations, particularly in the company of close friends or family. The concept often affects other individuals' notions about the individual that is exhibiting mirroring behaviors, which can lead to the individual building rapport with others.

both of these are very common in autism, and they’re exemplified while L’s character is established watching his favorite TV show, Owarai Paradise. On one occasion, he’s watching the show and this dialogue happens:

Hiroshi: Despite never telling her how I felt, I still got dumped. I am Hiroshi.  Watari: Who was this one again? L: He is Hiroshi. Hiroshi: I am Hiroshi. I am Hiroshi.

-- Episode 2

it’s important to note that in Japanese, “He is Hiroshi” and “I am Hiroshi” are said, at least in this instance, exactly the same, so L is echoing precisely what he’s heard.

On another occasion, L is again watching the show with a glass of wine (seemingly acquired simply to imitate the characters onscreen, as he never drinks it) and when the characters onscreen toast their glasses, L does the same, mirroring them. 

CONCLUSION

I linked a post at the very beginning of this analysis talking about how characters are unintentionally autistic coded, and it’s important to understand how this unintentional coding is different from a headcanon--i didn’t make up these traits. they aren’t something that only exist in my head that i ascribe to L for fun. 

i made this analysis both because i wanted to share L’s autistic coding in one cohesive place, because plenty of people have made lists before, but none that i could find that included so many examples with images and explanations--and i also made it because of the old ryuzaki persona “theory.” 

for those unaware, the ryuzaki persona headcanon suggests that L faked all of these traits in order to make people uncomfortable, to put them off-guard and better mask his identity. i’ve seen posts about people claiming that nobody could actually behave in these ways, that L would surely be unhappy and uncomfortable sitting like that, or eating like that, or engaging in any of these behaviors. I’ve seen some people outright say that L isn’t autistic, but his persona is--that is, he’s pretending to be autistic.

i named this essay “occam’s razor” because, to me, L being autistic is the simplest answer to account for all of these traits. claiming that an autistic coded character is faking it is ableist and it just doesn’t make sense with anything else we know about his character.

but if you want to know more about that, i recommend reading eyecicles’ first!L tag. it’s debunked it in more ways than i ever could.

anyways, in conclusion

[painted-crow]

Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 1

I guess I should start with a little about me, since that’s easier than making you pick through previous asks for information and some of you guys are new here. This one’s going to be heavily personal, so you can skip it if you want.

I’m a double Bird. My Bird primary system is heavily Badger influenced, and I also use Lion to support it by telling me when I should investigate something more closely. If we can dip into primary territory for a moment, I guess you can say I understand the world through systems that model things around me. But not all of those systems are things I’ve consciously examined, or fully investigated.

My understanding of how historical people dressed is pretty limited, for example, because I haven’t studied it in depth to get all the information—but I consciously understand what I do know about it. You could say this system piece is tiny but clear; I could expand it if I chose to find out more.

My understanding of how someone I’m not close to thinks might have more data to work with, but I haven’t consciously processed it; that’s the kind of thing where my Lion primary model will tell me to look closer if that person starts acting weird. This system piece might be described as huge but fuzzy; I could clarify it if I sat down and thought about it. I probably have more of these than I realize, but Lion basically takes care of monitoring those. I don’t have to investigate everything.

But some of my systems are both large and fairly clear, because I’ve taken the time both to gather data on them and to examine it. My understanding of myself is… well, I won’t say it’s terribly clear, because I’m in my early twenties and I’m still constantly getting new information, plus someone keeps changing the environment and mucking with my data (that would be me). But I have to examine it, because my brain is like a notoriously buggy piece of software and I’m the poor schmuck saddled with tech support duties.

Basically, the reason I’m good at playing therapist with other people is that I’m constantly doing exactly that thing with myself. (This probably makes me a very annoying patient for actual therapists.)

About that buggy brain, then.

I have major depression. That was professionally diagnosed when I was a teenager and it’s probably genetic. I take medication for it, when I remember to. It especially flares up in the winter or when I’m under stress. I probably have some kind of anxiety disorder too.

I’m almost certainly autistic, which I’ve never brought up with a professional—the first person to figure it out was the system I’m now best friends with, because they’re autistic and they knew I was within two weeks of talking to me. It took me two years to catch up with them and figure it out myself.

In my defense, I thought executive dysfunction, sensory overwhelm, dissociation, and hyperempathy were like… secret menu items for depression, because those only really bug me during depressive episodes. My current theory is that they’re related to autistic burnout instead.

I mask a lot, subconsciously—it’s actually really hard to turn that off normally—and I just can’t do that as much when depressed. If I do, my tolerance for everything else goes way down and I’ll go into overwhelm and start having shutdowns and dissociating. I recover pretty quickly (hours, not days), but if you’ve never spent 15 minutes standing in a Walmart aisle trying to decide whether you want a jar of peanut butter, but you can’t make decisions because you can’t access your emotions and you don’t really feel like you’re “here” but you kind of just want to go home… well, be glad I guess.

Of course, I have other autistic traits that show up when I’m not under stress, but they’re seldom associated with autism because most people don’t know what autis are like when we’re actually happy. Like, hyperlexia? That’s not even an “official” word, the auti community just uses it because “official” literature hasn’t caught up. I taught myself to read at age three (according to my mom; she says I was reading news headlines and stuff, not just books I’d memorized) and wrote a 35k word novella when I was ten, with no external prompting. My audio processing used to be terrible, but I routinely tested at college age reading levels as a kid.

I also might have ADHD? If so, it’s also mostly just noticeable if I’m under stress, and then it’s hard to tell if that’s the issue or if it’s just autism/depression again.

You might be getting a clearer picture of how my secondary and its model end up burnt so often!

(Resisting a very strong urge to cut stuff from this post.)

In short, I was a Gifted Kid. I spent a lot of my teen years biting off more than I could chew, honestly. I felt that I should be able to do more, and I wanted to be taken seriously, but I had basically no idea how to take care of myself because my needs are different from everyone else’s. I’m still figuring those out.

I’m kind of like an orchid plant: incredibly picky about conditions, wants a different “soil” and watering schedule, gets stressed if stuff changes too quickly, but when everything is just right and it does bloom, it goes all out.

I’m not kidding when I say that I have odd needs. One of them is the need for creative work, which seems to be hardwired into me. When I say that art or writing keeps me sane, I often hear back “oh yeah! I’ve heard that can be very therapeutic,” which is an innocuous reply, but it’s always bugged me, and I think I’ve figured out why.

First, because that’s not the reason I make things… I just… have to. Second, I can’t “make up” not doing creative work with some other kind of therapy. Third and most importantly, I’d much rather think of “artist” as my ground state, and depression as a condition that happens when my needs aren’t being met, rather than thinking of depression as the default that I’m just using art to escape from. That seems to me a healthier way of thinking, and probably a more accurate one, but I’m probably the only one who can see that distinction.

If life gets in the way and I can’t make space for creative work, it will actively make my depression worse. I know this because, multiple times, I’ve been unable to pinpoint why I’m feeling shitty, and then I go back to my easel or my writing or (ukulele, cooking, even just taking care of houseplants) and realize I haven’t done anything creative in like a month and thaaaat’s the problem.

I crack open a bottle of gesso to prep some canvases and it smells like… well, I don’t think you can get high off gesso? But it’s not like when you’re out of it on painkillers or cold medicine or whatever. It’s incredibly grounding, like the world snaps back into focus but it’s also oddly euphoric. Or I write ten thousand words in a couple days and it just… I don’t know what that does. I’ve never run across a word for it.

The writer of Smile at Strangers (a really good memoir centered around women, anxiety, and karate) describes a similar feeling in relation to her martial arts practice.

It’s also a bit like when all the snow melts after winter and you step outside and there’s the smell of wet soil under sunlight and I’m not sure if this fully translates for people who don’t have seasonal depression. Sorry.

Dammit, I want to paint… I haven’t had space to set up for like eight months. I’ve been nose-deep in writing projects since last summer for a reason, but right now my friggin Ravenclaw secondary is off angsting about something because of Life Stress Bullshit, and I don’t have the focus to work on any of my writing projects. Apart from this one. But it’s not really what I want in terms of creative work.

*velociraptor screech*

Oh, yeah. I guess I could mention this is why my nickname is Paint. Not sure if that was obvious before. The header image (which is more visible in the app for some reason) is one of my paintings. It’s a tiny one and it’s not one of my favorites, but I had the photo on my phone and the colors work well enough for what I needed.

(restrains self from negging my own painting ability)

This is starting to get into spoiler territory for what burned Ravenclaw secondary looks like, huh? It’s peaced out for a couple weeks at this point. I’m trying to write about what made it take off, but my ability to think of words and form a coherent sentence kinda flew out the window when I approached it directly.

Let’s just say that around the start of the month, someone I was talking to online (if you’re reading this, it’s definitely not you) kindaaaa hit a nasty depression trigger of mine. Not their fault—it’s very specific to me, and I struggle to explain why I can’t really talk about it. Basically, I spent years studying programming and web design, and due to several different but related issues during that experience, it’s now a trigger for me. I very much want it not to be, but trying to train that out of myself has induced more than one panic attack and I’m stuck between giving up on it or figuring out a way to go back to it that doesn’t totally shut my brain down.

That paragraph took forever to write, by the way.

I think I have to end this here. I… am going to go take out the trash, and water my plants, and make my bed, and file some paperwork, and maybe I’ll even mix up some bread dough or do some laundry. Spoiler alert for what it looks like when my Hufflepuff model takes over, I guess.

Oh. And I should maybe probably eat something. I almost forgot about that... again.

[vendeavendea]

How Entrapta Has Become My All Time Favourite Autistic Representation in Media: Long Version

Just so you know what to expect, this is more of a very long and boring personal post and less of a character analysis. By "very long", I mean "very long". Also, half of it was written at night when I was supposed to be sleeping (like, right now), so some parts might not even make sense. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Just days before I started to watch She-Ra, I answered a question in a writer group where someone asked what are the do's and don'ts of writing an autistic character. I've been told a couple of times in my life that I can’t be autistic based on the fact that I'm not really interested in or good at science, so I think special interests of autistic people are something that definitely has to be presented better in media. So I advised this person to make their character have a special interest that's NOT related to science, technology, space or computers, because it's a very common misconception that people on the autism spectrum are always into these stuff, and there are so many autistic fictional characters based on this stereotype that I feel like we absolutely don't need any more.

And then I saw Entrapta.

I didn't know she's canonically autistic until a much later episode, but it didn't surprise me when I was told she is, because my autism radar went off like a hundred times while watching System Failure and all her other season 1 appearances (so did my ADHD radar, by the way, but as far as I know, this hasn't been confirmed by the creators, so it's just my headcanon). And she looked like the purple ponytails princess version of the autism stereotype that I didn’t want to see any more of. The genius who is into space and robots, knows nothing about human relationships and keeps driving everyone nuts with her long and impossible-to-follow scientific monologues. Also cute and funny, yeah, but still, as someone on the spectrum who is super artistic and has nothing to do with science stuff, my first reaction was "dang, not this shit again." Just for once in my life, I wanted to see an autistic representation that's not just that typical weird tech-lover but a character that's at least a tiny bit more like me. Seeing her only in her first episode, little did I know that Entrapta's character has an incredible depth and her whole arc was going to be hair-raisingly personal to me (I know I'm not funny, but pun intended).

First, let’s talk about robots, because we can't talk about Entrapta without talking about robots. Entrapta builds robots just for fun, because technology is her thing, but there's actually a lot more behind this. Starting from as early as her debute episode, we see through the whole series that she creates robots with different designs, abilities, personalities, very similar to real people, as a sort of substitute for the human (or whatever species) company she'd wish to have. She even gives them names. She programs them to like being around her, to understand her, something that she hasn't really experienced from real people, which is sad enough on its own, but even sadder if we consider that she actually has human staff working at her fortress. She pretty literally makes friends, and she does it with the help of her special interest. And this totally reminds me of my primary school years when I had zero real friends and used my special interest, which was writing fictional stories and creating worlds/universes/languages in my head, to make up imaginary characters that could be my "friends" so that I wouldn't be that lonely.

Then, her interactions with other characters, especially with Hordak. Entrapta consoling Hordak in Huntara is a very powerful scene to me, not only what she says, but also how she says it. When Hordak starts venting about how he is a failure and all, Entrapta's first immediate response is to provide a practical solution, to design an armor for him, and comforting him with words is only a secondary action. She's helping in her own way, with technology, because that's what she's the best at, but she also wants to make sure he understands that fixing imperfections isn't always the solution, embracing them is. I also love how it's hinted with the "loved" crystal that Entrapta's love language may be acts of service (and probably quality time as well), which is another thing we have in common. And there's another thing in that scene I found very relatable: that part when she stops consoling him and starts to talk about herself being a failure instead. In real life, most people would read that in a negative way. I've been in many situations where I've tried doing something similar to people who were venting to me, and normally, they're like "ew, I'm the one complaining now, stop making it about you." But Hordak's reaction is different, all he does is try to tell her she's not a failure before she shushes him, then he just listens. He understands what Entrapta means by saying all those things about herself isn't "hey, look, my life is also horrible, so I get to complain, too" but rather "I feel you, we're the same". For a person who thinks and acts as differently from average people as Entrapta does, connecting with someone through similar experiences and feelings is a huge thing, and this is so relatable to me that I cried like a baby while watching that scene. Also, kudos to Christine Woods for making Entrapta's monologue sound so factual and casual. It really gives the impression of someone who is fully aware of her own strengths and weaknesses and accepts herself as a whole with all her flaws. The way she lists all the things that make her feel like a failure right after saying "imperfection is beautiful" is just... wow. But seriously, this whole "imperfection is beautiful" thing in general is such a cliché that it's not even supposed to work on me, but hell it does, because it's so well-presented that it's actually one of the most powerful moments of the whole series. Entrapta giving me self-acceptance lessons is all I've ever needed in my life (Hordak probably agrees, lol).

Speaking of self-acceptance, I also love how Beast Island shows that it's a long and difficult process with its ups and downs instead of just a door you walk through once in your life and then stay on the other side forever. Even if I accept and love myself the way I am, it's still totally normal to have low points with thoughts like "I'm not suited for friendship" or "everyone leaves me behind". And it's very nice and uplifting to have someone's love and support when I'm in a bad mood with stuff like this on my mind, but personally, I often find it easier to deal with if I have something related to any of my special interests around that I can focus my thoughts on. My "we flew here on an ancient First Ones ship, do you wanna see it?" would be something like "do you wanna create some characters and then write the shit out of them?" and before this show I've never actually realised how neurodiverse it is to use a hobby or interest for self-care like this. The "definitely the ship" part called me out so hard, and I just adore how the writers were able put so much meaning into a single joke line.

Back to interactions, there's also something painfully relatable in the way the other princesses treat Entrapta. Even in the beginning in No Princess Left Behind, but mostly in season 4 and 5. In most cases, Entrapta is only considered to be worthy enough to not be left behind in situations when her skills are useful. Other characters "liking" her isn't really about herself as a person but her tech knowledge. Just like when you go to school and the only reason your classmates want to make friends with you is because you always do your homework and let others copy it, or you're good at explaining stuff and are willing to help people getting prepared for tests/exams. When I was in grammar school, my classmates ignored me or mocked me for liking animation and comics, but every now and then they did the bare minimum of treating me like a human being and expected me to do their arts homework in return, because I was the only one in my class who was good at arts. When I studied linguistics at the uni, I was really into phonology and historical linguistics, and those were the compulsory subjects most of the other students were struggling with, so many people wanted to hang out with me just to make sure they could get my notes before the exams. The same people kept calling me nerd and making fun of me behind my back. I also had a few genuine friends, which I'm grateful for, but I still know what it feels like to be needed only for a specific skill while not being noticed and respected as a person, and Launch portraits this experience in a very clever way. It's so amazing to see how the princesses realise who Entrapta really is and start to treat her as someone who just thinks differently instead of someone who's a deliberate bad person. They finally get to see that she's not just an unwary tech nerd, but also a determined, caring and loyal friend who gives others so much love in her own geeky way and deserves love, too. But I shouldn't even be surprised, I mean, we're talking about a show that teaches us "you worth more than what you can give to other people," and it's great how this message applies to other characters as well, not only to Adora. And the best part is that this whole conflict is not presented as something black and white, it's not like Entrapta is the poor misunderstood autistic person and the princesses are the evil allistic bad guys who mistreat her. It's simply a miscommunication between neurotypical and neurodivergent individuals, and while the other princesses get to understand that they hurt Entrapta by their actions and that they should be more respectful of her, Entrapta also realises that she's made mistakes and hurt people, becomes aware of her own bad habits and makes efforts to get rid of them in order to save Glimmer. Plus I also love the faint implication that most of the princesses never really, genuinely, 100% make friends with Entrapta even after this scene, because sometimes people just don't resonate with each other enough to become close friends, but they learn to accept her differences and treat her with respect, nonetheless. This episode is so full of realistic interactions and character development it blows my mind every time I rewatch it.

I could just go on and on about all those tiny relatable details such as "I've waited years for someone to ask me about my theories!" I think this was the line that first made me fall in love with Entrapta's character. I mean, if someone from the crew wrote this line, that means they might know the feeling, too, so I'm not the only dork who feels this way every time someone asks me a question about my hyperfixations. And it's just so reassuring. Entrapta has many lines of the kind, they're not even important plotwise, but still super relatable and validating.

Now that we're here, and I know that I probably should have said this at the beginning of the post, but I'm too lazy to rewrite the first paragraph accordingly, I'd like to note that these are all my own interpretations and reflections on Entrapta's character based on my own experiences. This whole thing is totally personal, and I don't want anyone to think that this is how Entrapta is supposed to be seen by the whole fandom. So yeah, that's pretty much it for now.

[urbancripple]

Q&A Master Post

The Total List As Of September 22, 2019

Question Categories:

Ableism

Accessibility

Bathrooms

Design And Engineering

Disability And Identity

Disability And Representation

Disability Policing

Friendship, Social Situations, And Etiquette

Gear

Health And Safety

How To

Insurance And Healthcare

LGBTQIA+

Mobility Aids

Parents And Parenting

Sex, Sexuality, And Relationships

Writing About Disability

Ableism

Am I Being Ableist for Wanting to Use a Wheelchair Instead of Crutches?

Are My Parent’s Religious Beliefs Ableist?

How Do I Avoid Accidentally Saying Something Ableist?

How Do I Deal With People Being Ableist?

Is it Ableist to be Glad I’ve Made Something More Accessible?

Accessibility

Do Speed Bumps Create Accessibility Issues?

How Do I Make My Home More Accessible?

How Do I Make an Aquarium Touch Tank More Accessible?

How Do I Make My Walking Event More Accessible?

How Do I Talk to My School About Improving Accessibility?

How Do I Make a Staircase More Accessible?

Bathrooms

If the Accessible Stall is the Only One Available, Should I Use It?

Is it Acceptable to Use the Accessible Restroom Due to Too Much Noise?

Is it Okay For Able‐bodied LGBTQIA+ to Use Accessible Restrooms?

Design And Engineering

How Can I Create or Improve an Assistive Device?

How Do You Think Advancements in Robotics Will Improve Wheelchairs?

Disability And Identity

Am I Being Selfish For Using Accessible Spaces Due to Occasional Pain?

Are Mental Illnesses a Disability?

How Do I Deal With the Idea of Being Chronically Ill?

How Do I Stop Feeling Like I’m not Disabled Enough?

How Do You Deal With Comparing Yourself to Other Disabled People?

Disability And Representation

Are My Disabled Characters With Magical Enhancements Problematic?

Are Newly‐Disabled Peoples’ Lives Ruined?

Can an Able‐bodied Person Cosplay a Disabled Character?

How Can Disability Representation in Media be Improved?

How Do Advancements in Mobility Aids Cause Disability Erasure?

What Traits Do You Want to See In Disabled Super Heroes?

Why Aren’t There Any Servers in Wheelchairs?

Disability Policing

Am I Being Selfish For Using Accessible Spaces Due to Occasional Pain?

Have You Ever Seen Someone Misuse an Electric Store Cart?

Friendship, Social Situations, And Etiquette

Can a Disabled Person Take an Able‐bodied Person’s Seat?

How Can I Get Over My Fear Of Going Out By Myself?

How Do I Make More Able‐bodied Friends?

How Do I Avoid Accidentally Saying Something Ableist?

How Do I Deal With Friends Inviting Me To Inaccessible Places?

How Do I Explain My Medical Related Absence to My Friends?

How Do I Politely Ask a Disabled Person If They Need Help?

How Do I Respond to Family Members’ Questions About My Cane?

How Do I Stop People From Pushing My Wheelchair Without Permission?

How Do I Stop Security From Following Me When I’m In My Wheelchair?

How Do I Teach My Friends Proper Wheelchair Etiquette?

How Do I Tell My Friend I Have a Chronic Illness?

Is it Okay to Compliment Someone’s Mobility Aid?

Is it Rude to Kneel Down Next to a Wheelchair User?

Is it Wrong to Want More Disabled Friends?

Should I Start a Campus Group for Disabled Students?

Gear

What Do You Know About Frog Legs?

What Kind of Bag Do You Recommend For Cane Users?

What Kind of Lightweight Power Chair Do You Recommend?

What Kind of Shoes Do You Recommend?

What Kind of Spill‐proof Dishes Do You Recommend?

What Kind of Under‐Chair Storage Do You Recommend?

What Kinds of Accessories Do You Recommend for Manual Wheelchairs?

What Safety Gear Do You Recommend for a Manual Wheelchair?

What’s the Best Way to Wear a Backpack While Using a Wheelchair?

Where Can I Buy Armrest Covers for My Wheelchair?

Health And Safety

How can I Prevent Blisters When Pushing My Wheelchair?

How Do I Cope With Feelings Of Isolation?

How Do I Stay Safe During a Fire-drill in My Dorm?

How Do I Keep My Wheelchair Clean and Hygienic?

What Exercises Can I Do to Help Me Push My Chair Better?

What Safety Gear Do You Recommend for a Manual Wheelchair?

What’s the Best Way to Push My Chair to Avoid Damaging My Thumbs?

Will a Wheelchair Help with my Epileptic Seizures?

Would Using Wheelchair Help Keep Me Safe During an Autistic Meltdown?

How To

How Do You Find A Job as a Wheelchair User?

How Do I Apply for SSI/SSDI?

How Do I Keep My Job Secure While Managing a Chronic Illness?

How Do I Navigate the Hills in My Town in My Wheelchair?

How Do I Navigate Tight Spaces in My Wheelchair?

How Do I Push My Wheelchair Up Inclines and Slants More Easily?

How Do I Reduce Pain and Exhaustion When Using My Wheelchair?

How Do I Stay Comfortable on a Long Flight?

How Do I Stop People From Pushing My Wheelchair Without Permission?

How do I Walk a Dog While Using a Wheelchair?

How Do I improve the Suspension on My Mobility Scooter?

How Do You Cut Your Toenails With Cerebral Palsy?

How Do You Keep a Suit Jacket Clean While Pushing a Wheelchair?

How Do You Navigate a Water Park in a Wheelchair?

How Do You Push a Wheelchair in the Rain?

Insurance And Healthcare

How Do I Convince My Doctor I Need a Wheelchair?

How Do I Get a Cheap Wheelchair Without Going Through Insurance?

How Do I talk to my Doctor About Getting Referred to a Specialist?

Will My Doctor Help Me Get a New Wheelchair?

LGBTQIA+

Is it Okay For Able‐bodied LGBTQIA+ to Use Accessible Restrooms?

Is My Disability Defining My Sexuality?

Mobility Aids

Am I Being Selfish For Using Accessible Spaces Due to Occasional Pain?

Can Wheelchair Users Easily Wear Rings?

Do You Have Any Tips for Using a Wheelchair in the Snow?

Have You Ever Seen Someone Misuse an Electric Store Cart?

How Do Advancements in Mobility Aids Cause Disability Erasure?

Is it Okay to Compliment Someone’s Mobility Aid?

Is There an In‐between Chair?

What Brands of Wheelchair Do You Recommend?

What Mobility Aid Should I Use for Temporary Paralysis?

What’s the Best Way to Wear a Backpack While Using a Wheelchair?

When is the Right Time to Get a Wheelchair?

Will My Doctor Help Me Get a New Wheelchair?

Parents And Parenting

Are My Parent’s Religious Beliefs Ableist?

How Do I Convince My Parents to Let Me Use My Wheelchair?

How Do I Talk to My Parents About My Chronic Pain?

Sex, Sexuality, And Relationships

Am I Devotee For Wanting to Date an Intellectually Disabled Person?

Am I a Terrible Person For Identifying as a Devotee?

Am I Ableist for Not Wanting to Date Another Disabled Person?

Am I Ableist for Only Wanting to Date Disabled People?

How Can I Play a More Active Role During Sex?

Is My Disability Defining My Sexuality?

Writing About Disability

Are My Disabled Characters With Magical Enhancements Problematic?

How Can Disability Representation in Media be Improved?

How Do I Find a Sensitivity Editor For My Story?

How Do I Realistically Write a Character Who Can Only Use One Arm?

How Do I Write a Stealthy Disabled Character That Uses a Wheelchair?

How Should I Introduce My Physically Disabled Character?

Is it Realistic to Write a Quadriplegic Character That Studies Art?

Is Suffers From Ever Appropriate When Talking About Disability?

Should I Write a Story About Technology Completely Healing a Disability?

What Traits Do You Want to See In Disabled Super Heroes?

Wanna see your question on this list? Submit an Ask or use the Ask form on my site:

[papa-1-rights-activist]

Could you tell us some things about your characters?

thank you so much for this ask :D sorry for such a late response, but ngl i got very excited and started writing shit down as soon as i saw it, but then it turned into an entire essay and i had to cut down a ton of stuff until i decided to write it in a list of some sort kjhgkjfgkfg

currently i have like 11 fan characters in total so i will start with 4 to not infodump too much at a time

and i’ll admit that literally all of these guys were made for shipping purposes, but they all have different personalities and dynamics with canon characters. i’m such a sucker for writing couples, so many things to explore, that’s like my favourite thing ;w;

it got very long so imma put it under the cut \o/ (hopefully it works bc tumblr has been pretty unpredictable lately)

sorry if it’s probably way more than just “some things” but i couldn’t help it, i just love these guys so much and i don’t get to talk about them often u v u

e n j o y ~

imma start with the one you guys are more familiar with

Lucas

one of the cardinals in Ghost’s church

Mexican

in his late 40s (like 46-47)

hardworking, ambitious

pretty composed

huge „your teacher from english class who’s also a dad” energies

his character can be summed up to, as someone has said, „he’d kindly but sternly correct your shitty posture”

currently takes the 3rd place of most „best employee of the month” awards (Copia is 4th at that time)

he and Copia start off as rivals for the 2nd place (bc no one can beat whoever is the 1st)

but wouldn’t you guessed it, they end up dating

Lucas has a fair collection of various rodents, including rats. Actually, he’s the one who infected Copia with love for them. Luc prefers ferrets (that’s a rodent right kjhfgkjgh)

he doesn’t really get angry, but when he does he really goes off

he writes poetry, which is actually very, very bad, but Copia loves it to bits which makes Luc feel validated to write more

because his language is so similar to italian, Lucas can implement a lot of spanish into his conversations with Copia, while the other will reply in italian and they will still understand each other (ofc there are some exceptions that result in miscommunication, but that just makes it all more fun)

Copia shared with him that he’s writing music for his album (even tho he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone) and Lucas was more than happy to help him in the process…which was mostly moral support and a few suggestions.

he loves calling Copia “cariño”, “mi amorcito”, “mi alegría” and other cute names in spanish

once Lucas mentioned he used to play flute and Copia immediately decided to include a flute solo in one of his songs, so Luc could play it. Unfortunately things didn’t go as he planned and he had to change it to sax solo

The thing about Lucas is that Imperator sees him as a threat. She’s been plotting with Copia to get him to papacy for a long time, but in the end she isn’t the one who decides who will be in charge, so Copia has to work hard to deserve it. He was already a hard worker, but unfortunately Lucas works harder. It creates this dillema for Copia, bc on one hand he does want to become Papa and in order to do that he has to get rid off competition. But on the other he loves Lucas and he wants what’s best for him.

(i’ll probably post the pic above in a separate post with other doodles, i just wanted to show sth new and relevant)

Elise & Greg

Imma put these two together bc it’s impossible to talk about one without the other.

they work together in a company that takes art commisions such as paintings & murals and their restorations. They’re both pretty skilled in those departments, except Elise specialises in art restoration while Greg specialises in murals and frescos. And ofc one day they’re hired by the church.

they’re both pretty good at painting (but the thing about restoration is that you don’t have to be a great artist to do that, it has more to do with chemistry tbh)

They live together and have been very good friends for a few years now

they both went through some traumatic events in their lives, but maybe i’ll leave that part for another day (or i’ll leave it in my fanfic they’re from that i need to finish ;w;)

they’re very supportive of each other, but also they like to mess with one another

their chat is filled with horny texts about other people

Elise

34 years old

British

a bit awkward, tends to stutter when nervous

very sweet overall, feels the need to be everyone’s therapist

autistic, which shows mostly through her sensitivity to certain textures

hates onions (bc the texture is awful)

gets very emotional very quickly when she sees cute animals. She will use her baby talk to speak with them (which is sth that Copia does too with his rats and once he catches her doing that as well, he feels less embarrased about it)

Cirrus was the first one from the church to actually talk to her and show her around, making her feel a bit more welcome in an unfamiliar place

she talks through her sleep. A lot. Copia finds it very amusing…and adorable.

she discovers that Papa III has fallen hard for her friend way before he himself realises that, but then she’s also the kind of person to not see her own feelings for someone

she finds working on restoration quite relaxing. It’s sth she can fixate over and do for hours (even tho it’s not recommended)

a bit of a workaholic

another thing she finds relaxing is sitting in a corner somewhere warm and doodling people she sees around the abbey (mostly those she finds attractive lol so mostly Cirrus and Copia)

eventually ends up with Copia and Cirrus in a poly relationship

she also finds Cumulus cute, but the ghoulette isn’t interested in another romantic relationship. the one she has with Cirrus is enough for her.

Elise’s relationship with Copia is basically two dorks trying to impress the other while trying not to be too obvious about it, while her relationship with Cirrus is bisexual equivalent of „shy nerd has a crush on a cool girl leading the cheerleaders squad and shopes she doesn’t know. She knows.”

(had to doodle sth real quick bc i can’t believe that i don’t have a single good pic of him lol)

Greg

37 years old

Polish (bc ofc he is)

pretty stoic, might come off as cold

he gives cute nicknames to people he likes (in polish ofc)

he’s actually pretty cheesy and wholesome, but you wouldn’t know that bc he shows his affection through a language that no one understands (which is what he wants, he doesn’t want others to know he actually cares)

has some trust issues, so it’s harder for him to become friends with people

huge Scorpions fan. no, like really, he’s obsessed and will share his music taste with whoever will listen (which is mostly Eli and Papa III lol)

knows a few words in italian, but mostly those related to art after he’s been studying it for a few years. He doesn’t speak it, but he can read it.

he owns a guitar signed by Kirk Hammett (his musical crush)

he’s the kind of guy who will call the person he likes „my dear”, „my love”, „sweet pea” in his mother language and then tell that person it means „dickhead”, „loser” and „lazy ass”

his stay at the abbey is just laying under the ceiling and doing fresco for most of the day, visiting Elise in her art studio and dealing with Papa’s bullshit

Papa eventually starts coming up to lay beside Greg on the construction and watch him work. They tend to just lay in silence while a mix of Scorpions and ABBA plays from the radio. There’s barely any space for a second person, but Greg would lie if he said he didn’t find it endearing.

one time Greg fell off the construction and broke his leg bc of that dumbass (but it’s his dumbass uwu)

anyway he eventually starts dating Papa III

Papa purrs to Greg in italian and Greg speaks sweet words to him in polish (tho it took him a lot of time to get comfortable with that)

their relationship is your typical „1 brain cell and 1 dumbass” and under certain circumstances simply „2 disastrous dumbasses”

they once burnt down Elise’s apartment on accident and the only things they managed to save were the art supplies and Greg’s guitar

anyway

here are these guys in comparison to their partners in this silly style, bc all the other drawings are outdated ;w;

Melea

45 years old

American

fashion designer commissioned byt the Ghost’s church

huge fan of old rock

for a long time her relationship with Papa III was purely professional. He came to her studio, she took some measurements, they discussed what he would like and then he left and they didn’t see each other until the next meeting to try the outfit on, to make some changes, or for another project.

well that is until she asked him to stop putting his face paint on so he wouldn’t ruin the fabrics

i share this popular headcanon that Papa III is pretty self conscious about his clean face, so it was kind of hard to convince him at first

eventually their sessions became that much more personal because of that

she’s a bit superstitious, believing that some things may cause bad luck

collects crystals with good energy

she’s in a way a modern witch…but it’s not like she tries to be one

knows french fairly well, which allows her to talk to Papa (who also speaks it) when they don’t want others to understand them.

huge mum energy

loooves watching conspiracy theories. Sometimes she will pick one of the more ridiculous ones during her sessions with Papa and will argue and try to convince him it’s true, making it seem like she fully believes it, even if she doesn’t – just to fuck with him

and a few times she actually did convince him. Then had to tell him she wasn’t serious and oh my god the millenials aren’t killing the pillow industry by going vegan

anyway at some point they start dating which eventually leads to them getting married ;w;

her relationship with Papa is very soft and romantic. they have the same energy as Morticia and Gomez in regard of how loving they are to each other

also some chibis of these two bc again, all the other drawings are a bit outdated ;w;

[mattamyers]

My long journey of healing has continued

It’s been years since my last blog post. I’ve decided I will start to post a log of my days, when my mental energy allows, when I feel well or positive or organized enough to do so. I’m not sure how this practice will evolve, however I’m wanting to actively start sharing my story, where I’m at, so people can start to get to know me - and what my days are like, how my life is hopefully evolving, moving forward - as well as the difficulties I face daily. What’s changed most recently is that the last stem cell treatment I did in the Cayman Islands has improved my executive function and recovery time from activity more, where posting regularly of longer form text seems like a possibility now - at least in this fairly stream of consciousness, limited organizational executive function way. Unfortunately the post-LASIK eye pain (corneal neuralgia) has proved itself to be the mainstay of pain, causing the majority of the executive function disruption, dysfunction. Yes, I struggle dealing with a varying degree of severity of being suicidal. No, once I decide I can’t do this anymore then I will not be letting anyone know - I have already tried multiple times to get help in our healthcare system, to which I was exposed to what in the future will be considered barbaric care provided due to a number of factors, however heavily due to indoctrination and a lack of multidisciplinary understanding and care; as which as I hopefully am able to share, you will see highlighted in my multiyear effort to help save Taylor, a friend, save her from from the broken system and from herself and her coping mechanism, who is trapped in it due to the funnel toward hospitalization and under care of the non-multidisciplinary care of psychiatric doctors - where that profession somehow has been allowed to capture and have a monopoly on a person’s care even if physical symptoms play a primary role in their dis-ease; the system having allowed her dis-ease progression to continue over years - most recently seeing how inadequate and arguably negligent care provided by not only doctors who are in control of her during hospitalization but also by legal aid that was provided her.

I’m not inherently broken, I’m not clinically depressed. As I’ve healed myself further and follow holistic health practices I’ve strengthened my nervous system, and unfortunately that has only had the affect of allowing me to feel pain more clearly, sharply - in higher definition, resolution. I can still smile, have a conversation - story tell and reason. What’s difficult for people to understand is how the constant, strong pain that refers from my eyes (primarily right eye) affects and sensitizes my nervous system - how that is a constant battle that exhausts me mentally and causes my executive function to be greatly impaired as well - increasingly so with added stress, physical or emotional - and tied to that the more potential emotion or stress tied into a decision, with more complex decisions being worse or having a stronger aversion, the more difficult it is to move forward - to get past the pain. Most of my days, weeks, are full of frustrations, exhaustion, of reminders of where I am at and what my life is like - how stagnant it is. I do my best to be on a positive line of thought, to having and being able to hold onto hope - for my projects and toward finding a solution that may help me tolerate the eye pain by reducing it further.

If I can successfully rally my designer friends to be able to help focus me and to help move the presentation forward for my greater plans, my vision for a health-wellness differentiated ecosystem - and ultimately towards building a city to compete with the status quo - their help to develop and refine the plan, then they may give me enough hope to keep fighting through the eye pain until hopefully research finds a solution to heal it with stem cells, regenerative medicine.

January 29, 2020

8:35am

I’ve parked myself now at Balzac’s Ryerson. I took the bus and had three nice interactions on the way. The first was letting someone who was running for the bus and about to get an an almost crammed bus, that another bus was right behind. He thanked me and made sure I got on first. At the next stop a man was at the back doors which I was sitting behind, however no one was getting out - I tried to push the bars to open the door but the green lights weren’t on since the stop wasn’t requested. He thanked me, smiling as he walked towards me from the front. The final interaction was the man sitting next to me, who turned out to one a first year student at Ryerson in Urban and Regional Planning. He was reading a book by Jane Jacobs, which I asked if it was worth reading. I told him first that after high school I first went to Ryerson, in his current program, though filtered myself out after first year due to not seeing myself having that career for the next 40+ years; irony perhaps that all along I was developing necessary skills, knowledge, and experience toward creating my New City and New City model. Everyone else on the bus was relatively asleep, unengaged, unsocial.

8:50am

I hadn’t used my laptop much yesterday, except a little before bed and the screen at a distance - less than 5 minutes really. Today I’m already feeling the eye pain increasing significantly compared to what I felt anytime yesterday, and how much it’s distracting my thinking, mental organization.

9:05am

Since my last stem cell treatment in the Cayman Islands significantly healing in particular my cervical and lumbar spine, I can be more mobile and the pain is reduced enough where if I don’t completely overdo it, I can have some level of executive function to manage myself. However now I am able to experience this contrast of more mobility - which keeps me away from my laptop screen - with how strongly my laptop screen triggers the burning sensation, pain of my eyes (most noticeably my right eye) and its cascading symptoms of headache and fascial tension increasing in my body. My focusing ability is decreasing from where I started before being in front of my screen, however how far it will degrade compared to before, I am still getting used to - however I can feel a building mental exhaustion as I’m having to counter, push against the aversion caused by the increase of pain triggered by the laptop screen light.

9:21am

My right eye more easily wants to shut too, an autonomous guard mechanism to protect itself, compared to yesterday throughout most of the day.

9:50am

I have been wanting to focus on, direct my attention, to finishing - so I can conclude my attention - the past week, especially the last few days, of a very heavily emotional and stressful event where I’ve been trying my best to help save a close friend I’ve known for a few years - to save her from herself, and from our healthcare system that has been adequate and negligent in her care - and is currently hospitalized, again, where he disease progression has been able to worsen because of specific, narrow scope of psychiatric care ignoring the importance of body health — in Taylor’s case needing proper treatment - a safe container, environment - to treat gut, sensory disorder (hypersensitivity; autistic characteristic), and for

“The lesser of two evils” - sharing Taylor’s story from my observations vs. being afraid and not exposing the system with an actual real person, case study to reference in high detail from a narrow and holistic view - while respecting privacy and not exposing any identifiable details that only doctors or other people Taylor shared with could would be the “lesser of two evils” as Taylor likes to say; and hopefully everyone has the integrity and rigor to not share what they shouldn’t, particularly if bound by privacy laws.

10:28am

As the body pain, from walking the amount I have today - from house to closest TTC bus stop, from destination stop to cafe, and around cafe a bit to purchase tea, water refills, and bathroom break(s) - has been calming, desensitizing, localizing - I’m more clearly able to feel the tension and soreness referring from my right eye, down through my right ear, down back of my neck on right side, and so on. When I close my eyes, right eye in particular, the desensitizing, localization can start to unwind relatively quickly before compared to the Cayman Islands treatment - however the discomfort is still quite distracting. I am curious — and afraid to go to acupuncture again, which I went too a short bit before going to the Caymans - not having done acupuncture for at least 2 years — to see how strongly acupuncture now will clear as it does, and how strongly it leaves me specifically and clearly feeling the right eye pain as an intense burning, searing sensation - which last time lasted for 8 hours or so, that sensation only diminishing as my body re-sensitized and therefore masked out the perception of the eye pain; it makes me wonder if others who have done LASIK, if they had clearly flowing, non-stagnant energy to begin or even if doing acupuncture for long enough to open their energy flows up  - would experience post-LASIK symptoms differently, more clearly than before opening their body up; similarly regarding Ayahuasca ceremonies, marijuana use, or other psychedelics.

I believe more now too that since the neck and jaw pain has been healed more - reducing the masking, allowing me to more clearly feel what’s going on in these sensitization vs. localization flows/cycles due to pain - that the right eye pain’s referring pain sensitizes (makes hypersensitive) the tissue on the right side of my jaw increases, the soreness, and pain increases - even with limited to no use from chewing food (I haven’t eaten yet today). The sensitization of my teeth seems more clear now too, which at the moment I can feel much more than when I first woke up this morning - in line with the jaw pain increasing too.

11am

I just stepped away to the bathroom to go pee. As I was sitting — something I’ve been doing for a long while because for a long time was too difficult to relax enough to pee standing, my body didn’t trust standing if more relaxed — I closed my eyes and let myself relax as much as I could. During this time I could start feeling muscles in my jaw and face on the right side fluttering, spasming some. I hadn’t felt the jaw muscles spasms, fluttering before, only muscles around and closer to my right eye that I could feel where that’d happen — something I haven’t actually written much about or maybe not even at all; it’s the muscles being able to start relaxing but still not quite able to, with the reduced constant pain of my eye being closed for that short period after sensitization.

I’m able to more easily notice, along side with the pattern cascading from the right eye pain when I open my eyes each morning, when sitting and trying to be in a more relaxed state, in slouching posture and using back of chair to rest again — that my neck still wants to go into a more back and to a right position — something that before I couldn’t as easily allow, because perhaps the guard mechanism pattern was pulling my neck back too strongly, from there being too much pain being referred; it’s possible that that guard mechanism is triggered, such as that if say a “present moment” injury to the eye was occurring — a good, natural quick, rapid action reflex, would be to pull your head back and away; it was only in the last few months that I started theorizing that, and now that I’ve continued to have substantial neck pain from injuries healed - I wonder 1 )how much is still due to remaining injury, 2) how much is due to old patterns that need time to trust the neck and surrounding tissues are safe (as they dance and slowly heal with physiotherapy etc), and 3) how much of that reflex is caused by the referring pain from my right eye?

12:22pm

I can feel that I’m still reconnecting to and slowly processing stress from the last week, the last few days. It’s good, very good that my body can start to processing things emotionally more easily again since last treatment even with a relatively higher amount of physical activity compared to before — but unfortunately still what that means — as to the reason why there was such resistance, difficult, aversion to emotion processing before — that I’m grounding, grinding into my body - with the friction of the aversion to remaining pain — and where the post-LASIK eye pain is still the primary contributor; I do wonder and theorize that there is an abnormal inflammatory response (perhaps EDS related or that causes similar symptoms of EDS) - whether in brain and/or body - that leads to a central sensitization affect [effect?] to cascade so strongly, and therefore that many people who has done LASIK don’t have the same level of severe symptoms.

1:06pm

Taylor just texted me again. I responded saying I didn’t need the fork and plastic container her mother took home to finish the food I brought Taylor to dine with her in the hospital on some quality food that would be safe for her - steak and kale, to get high calorie and nutrient dense food in her, in with what little she eats due to an aversion from years long untreated gut pain and nausea; I said I don’t care to spend the time, energy, or money to go to her mother’s to pick it up, and to take care.

Taylor continued to reply in her usual way which I won’t outline here. She communicates often by referencing songs for how she feels that she believes relates to the current situation. I took that opportunity to then respond in equal by saying the song that came to me was In the Arms of the Angel Sarah McLachlan - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pvf_OBuJVE - as well as to notify her I was blocking her phone number again, and that she can email me if she wants - however that I don’t know how often I will check it; long ago I started having to block her phone number at different points, and redirect her emails to automatically archive - so I don’t see them unless I search for her email, in order to protect myself from being triggered or pulled into what can emails or texts as bombardments to well-thought out pleads that she needs help - intelligent, and eloquent, and an expert seductress as one of her coping mechanisms to bring in various qualities of support, company, as a means to distract herself; always as her most desperate, in her darkest hours, has she consciously and even once subconsciously (where her ego mind boundaries and controls for respecting someone else’ wishes to not contact me through phone directly getting superseded by a short-circuiting of sorts due to how degraded, ungrounded, destabilized her thinking has become — reached out to me again with a different phone number; this has happened 6+ times over the last 2+ years — where I learn more, understand her patterns, and how deeply the inadequate care goes with her recurring hospitalizations into psychiatric care over these years as well.

To be fair, it only feels right to share: my voluntarily hospitalization December 2017 is when I first met her in hospital. I had been struggling for over a year at that point with debilitating pain that severely fucked up my executive function. My decision making, mental organization, emotional processing — and in general anything related to thinking about moving forward — the planning triggering a slight stress as a preparation into the body readying to actually move, causing an aversion due to even thought about moving forward/organization of future — was extremely difficult. The only coping that worked was greatly limiting my activity every day, reducing any possible irritants from diet as much as possible, and usually I’d keep my right eye closed for up to hours every morning after waking up to slow how quickly the post-LASIK eye pain would ramp up and sensitize the rest of my body and its pain, making it hypersensitive to pain. That day in 2017 I knew if I had gone home I would have taken my life, having desperately struggled for around a year by that point to find support to help me with tasks - with organizing, planning — for basic things as well as for finding somewhere to do more stem cell treatments (longer story I won’t share now), with more complex tasks with more steps being more difficult, a stronger aversion, towards acting including on how much emotion would be surrounding or behind the decision or action that needed to be taken.

1:33pm

I’m sitting by the door at Balzac’s - was only window seat available when I arrived. I just got a chill that reminded me that a few nights ago while laying in bed ready to fall asleep, my whole body - both right and left side together, shook in a wave as my body reacted to warm up a bit; I had never experienced or perceived that feeling before, at least not that clearly or in such high definition.

1:40pm

I finally checked a voicemail someone left. It was an automated call to confirm — a 2nd time — for an endocrinology appointment I have coming up to test my hormone levels; another long story to outline the stupidity of understanding this may be a cause to the fatigue I experience or then towards actual diagnosis.

2:04pm

I just went pee again. Relaxed sitting position, closed my eyes, the face muscle fluttering started again. I tried this time instead to do some alternate nostril-breathing (with thumb/pinky to physically block each nostril) to see if it would help - and it did seem to help whatever energy was struggling to flow, to pass, to flow; https://www.healthline.com/health/alternate-nostril-breathing

The amplified symptoms I’ve experienced has lead me to re-realize that the body relaxing more easily while having the eyes closed is natural, a mechanism whereby once your eyes are open — tense your body and fascia for movement, and presumably when your eyes are closed, start to relax your fascia — which at length is during sleep, when you want your body and tissues to be as open as possible for best blood and other fluid flow to be as unrestricted as possible; inflammation is linked to Alzheimers-Dementia as channels in brain that want to open during sleep to clear toxins, waste, efficiently — can’t, it’s easy to conclude that similar dis-ease can progress in the body for rest of the tissues in brain, and where dis-ease state could progress quickly if an overall unhealthy system is already at its tolerance of regenerating, regulating immune system for clearing the body of cancer, etc.

January 30, 2020

Summary of yesterday:

I am roughly transcribing this from an audio recording I made before getting out of bed. I’ve done that a lot over this last year, it’s allowed me to share without getting out of bed agitating the pain, without opening my right eye or having my left eye open much except for initially recording. A friend awhile ago suggested setting up voice activated recording - I just haven’t been able to focus enough, direct myself to that task, with everything else going on; it would help but obviously I do need to open both my eyes at some point during the day anyway, and even if I don’t open them, if I become active with thinking just the movement of my eyes with my eyelids closed increasingly agitates and increases the pain from the eyes anyway.

All I want to finish with saying is to say that what Taylor is going through, it exposes many things that are wrong with our system. I won’t begin to go into the detail here, however I have written much and will continue to clarify and evolve my understanding, write the story, in hopes of saving Taylor and anyone else who is hurt more and left suffering longer by the system; the doctor kept her hospitalized, was forcing a tribunal on her where he’d present a case to force medication on her she doesn’t want (meanwhile after multiple hospitalizations over the years they still ignore and don’t treat her gut pain, nausea - nor care to understand its consequences - nor are they or do they provide safe food for her, nor do they manage and control to only provide food that is part of helping stabilize her). The largest failure is that somehow the field of psychiatry has been given a monopoly on care when mental health is involved - allowing non-multidisciplinary care to continue.

I will leave you with a video to show the new hope coming for all in the near future, that Presidential candidate Andrew Yang tweeted - saying it was the greatest video he’s ever seen: https://twitter.com/AndrewYang/status/1222736120930295808

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7crf0mzhws

10:22am

I finally got frustrated enough to return a phone call to book an echocardiogram. It seemed now that the pain is lower, allowing the frustration to build was easier — and then I could turn that into action much easier than prior to the Cayman Islands treatment. Making this call was a relatively low stress, unloaded decision toward action - compared to say the reason behind and how loaded making an appointment requiring a trip to an eye specialist, researcher in Boston, who I was recommended to make an appointment with - that has a lot of weight, resistance behind it - which I won’t go into reasoning for, having stopped me so far from booking an appointment with him.

Why I need an echocardiogram is part of determining a possible diagnosis of EDS — “Ehlers-Danlos syndrome (EDS) is a disease that weakens the connective tissues of your body. These are things like tendons and ligaments that hold parts of your body together. EDS can make your joints loose and your skin thin and easily bruised. It also can weaken blood vessels and organs.” It seems I have enough symptoms that it’s possible I do. There were two people that suggested it — a person online I briefly messaged with, and then one of the doctors at the stem cell clinics — whereby they were trying to help me problem solve why I report a much higher pain for tissue damage, some of which they can see in imaging, however that I report more highly than they’d expect. I will eventually write in detail about this.

I just realized, as part of an experiment, that reading along while I type helps keep my mind focused, on track, for what I’m writing about — noticing that trying to think to allow fluid flow of thought to continue if not looking could work — simply trying to remember what I just said in order to continue typing without looking — is at least impossible for me at this point, maybe a skill that can be developed or not; it wouldn’t be a useful skill unless someone like me was trying to problem solve how to find ways to reduce the issues related to the post-LASIK pain, some of which I theorize in part has to do — gets triggered more with use of the eyes, the surface and tension changes of the eye has focal distance (and other) changes, from near to far, etc.

11:04am

I think paying to have a space for me to work, a cowering space, would be good for me socially - outside of my current primary destination to be around people, busyness, distractions of Balzac’s cafe. I was reminded, had memories arise, a few weeks ago when I was in a Lyft shared ride that ended up going down around the Queen and Spadina area. I was reminded of the time spent in a coworking space I started working out of with my then new girlfriend and business partner I brought into helping me with I Live Yoga - in particular with outreach and support. Along with the memories were the feelings of good experiences that were able to make it up through the new level of reduced pain from my last stem cell treatment. It made me think at the time that I’d like to get back to that place. At the time I was still unsure, doubtful if I’d ever be able to get there, get back to the point where Anastasia and I were excited about life, in a good routine, working and passionate about a project we both loved — and that was ready to start scaling; my physical pain had started to become too much for me to handle however, and though I struggled to keep things going, at one point I had to give up — let go. The relationship with Anastasia ended and psychologically it was very difficult to let my “baby” go — as is often referred to as an entrepreneur’s project — especially since for at least a year I was using the project as a mental distraction, focus for the pain. I kept trying and essentially being reminded that it was too hard, and then making bad decisions. Ultimately it was the last try two big attempts to keep ILY alive and moving forward, to find to find good, capable people to move ILY forward without much guidance from me were: 1) attempted to hire someone to takeover Anastasia’s role of outreach and support, and 2) hire a local designer — who ultimately took $5,000 from me, an initial deposit out of a first section of work worth $10,000, and ended up doing barely any work. I will eventually write in more detail about this: I will name her as well as a consequence of consequences that lasting forever — karma — until they are righted, or ignored, and then light can be shone for those who pay attention to me — highlighting that this is how this person conducts themselves. These consequences, bad, hurtful behaviour lacking integrity or simply exposing unskilled or underdeveloped behaviour — where a point of learning is the opportunity presenting itself, if only for a safe container was present to allow it. This karma, consequences, trickle through time — allowing for multi-generation dis-ease progression in all aspects of life. Karma is still playing out and trickling through society, our energies, frequencies, decisions — from major suffering and events such as Nazi Germany and every new suffering starts a new ripple that will all need to be addressed. It must all be addressed by individuals. This allows for healing to happen in a decentralized manner — and allows for people at different parts of dis-ease or on path towards healing, enlightenment — being enlightened, developing understanding and compassion — and so even those who may be repressed in places like China, the light will make it through the cracks — which all rigid containers will increasingly have as pressure mounts; whether that is your ego mind’s control, guard of “protecting” you from fear/trauma and scarcity mindset, or a nation state who wants to contain what knowledge and information is spreading; these are both a condition, a dis-ease state, a symptom of ego mind’s greed and control going unchecked within oneself.

When I have kept my movement and activity greatly limited as I still must, I am able likewise to get glimpses and enjoyment at the thought for a goal I had roughly a decade ago: to be leading yoga classes, to further develop my own yoga practice and to guide others to teach them what I learned — also developing my own skill of speaking and holding space while actively guiding people in the present moment.

Someday I’d like to find and be able to afford, and be able to handle the added activity of going to (or perhaps they could travel to me?), singing lessons — so I can improve, develop my voice, for a growing list playlist that I’ve entitled New Life that I’ve been building mostly for motivation, a reminder that I at times have played multiple times daily as a distraction from the pain.

I’d also like to learn basketball, so if I ever decide it necessary to run for Prime Minister of Canada to get Canada on course, then I’d challenge current Presidential candidate Andrew Yang to - and kick his ass - in a game of basketball; a more physical activity that I may never be able to do again however — so I’ll just have to enjoy the thought of being able to hangout with Yang.

11:41am

I still have strong emotional resistance (PTS) to diving into and finishing an update reply for Dr. Trotter on behalf of Taylor. I don’t know if I will get to it today - there’s ultimately no real rush as she’s in hospital and he only returns from vacation a week from now. I need to recover further and be in the healthiest, low activity level, routine again for at least a few days before I will be able to approach the task again.

11:47am

I can quite clearly now feel, notice, that while I have been wearing my reading glasses when writing and on my laptop — I just picked up my phone and was looking, writing some texts, and as I did so — with the straining or even just putting things into focus, that the eye pain very clearly increased as I was doing so; this to me confirms to me, a theory I’ve had over these years especially when my pain level was much higher, that the post-LASIK pain has created an aversion to my eyes working properly, normally, a resistance to changing focal points (as part of the symptoms, part of it disrupting autonomous function including tearing, moisturizing, of the eyes — that LASIK has been successful in dumbing down, minimizing, their #1 symptom of “dry eye syndrome” as something you can just use moisturizing drops as the solution to it); te regulatory capture and unquestioned loyalty or review by the industry and professionals in the field, incentivized by profits, is disturbing - and one of many issues that society must actively become better acknowledging — identifying, studying, paying attention to in order to develop industry-wide critical thinking in all practitioners involved.

1:21pm

I’m starting to allow myself again to checkout attractive women. I guess I’m ready to experiment again to see if the reduced pressure on my nervous system allows me better to manage sexual energy building, and unfolding as that does into emotions and managing of relationships of more potential intensity, emotionally and physical activity wise. Maybe I will start playing with the idea of dating again, making plans with potential partners; an “exciting” idea however one I have had to drop previously the last few attempts due to the pain level still being too high.

1:34pm

I decided I may fast today. That would allow me to — after being tired and mentally exhausted from Balzac’s — to go to Bampot Teahouse and hopefully stay there for a few more hours before I’d otherwise be hungry. It’d also help to more quickly clear the inflammation I caused from the sugar/junk I ate yesterday. If I do this I’ll take the probiotic tonight at minimum.

1:50pm

My body energy is quite low at the moment though — primarily I think as I’m likely out of a ketogenic state, so it might be a good idea to eat something tonight to let my body recover faster anyway.

January 31, 2020

Summary of yesterday:

The day that had become positive, later in the day, after my mental energy being exhausted - grounding me into my body and the pain, the eye pain - knocked me back down to reality again. I can’t date. The exciting ideas or plans for ideas are fantasy. I was reminded that even if I have a very productive or positive day then the next few days when my mental energy is lower, it’s more difficult to impossible to concentrate enough to distract myself from the pain. This last stem cell treatment, as predicted as the pattern has continued, allowed me to feel the eye pain more clearly, feel how it cascades and refer down my body more easily.

I don’t know how I am even going to afford my own cost of living soon, let alone the idea of paying additionally to have a coworking space to work out - as an alternate to Balzac’s cafe that I am bored of going to so often, for so long. And I still don’t have a routine that makes life tolerable. Streaming at night can be nice, however it is mentally exhausting itself. The Joe Rogan style podcast I had thought could be a nice thing to do to socialized, meet people, and chat regularly hasn’t gotten setup and I wouldn’t be able to organize and manage it anyway. Likewise the money I’ve had to spend on stem cell treatments and will continue to need to spend indefinitely on unknown future diagnostics or future treatments is money that originally I had wanted to use to move my projects forward. Ideally I could raise $420k to hire contract workers to help me finish designs and specifications to then find developers to get estimates from - but developing a presentation and putting in the ground work to reaching out, meeting with, family offices to get them onboard and convince them of my plan: $420k, $4.2mm, $42mm rounds and sharing a high detailed plan for each along with an executive summary - the presentation itself will be difficult for me to compile, and then the ground work, leg work necessary, will certainly be too difficult for me due to the highly limited activity I must maintain in order to have more than less tolerable days.

Feb 2, 2020

Summary of yesterday:

I was planning originally to make a “summary of yesterday” - yesterday, but it didn’t happen. It was overall a bad day to which I was just waiting for 4pm when two designer friends, Akshay and Salar, were supposed to come over. They eventually made their way to me around 6pm. It was or wasn’t a very productive meeting. The purpose was to try to help onboard their help so I can try to move my projects forward, in part to decide a path, a strategy for what to focus on - for where they could help me and for where I could try to focus and use my limited mental energy to hopefully guide them towards helping move things forward at a pace that allows me hope.

I don’t know how much to share from the meeting. I don’t want to get lost, summarizing points from last night - of which there are two recordings of to hopefully review at some point for reminders, lost in that my mental focus gets spent where I can no longer conclude this to a point where I am “comfortable” publishing it - where I don’t concern myself of sharing “too much” that leads me to wanting to expand on what I mean, without having to continue a thought by injecting a relatable quote like “first they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win” for how grandeur my vision has evolved to; Gandhi, and as you may be able to tell, I like and tend towards being thorough - it’s a challenge until it will become a gift.

Feb 4, 2020

The hardest part to sharing my experience is that when it is most difficult it is most difficult to share about the difficulty. And perhaps as a natural fail-safe prevention mechanism, if I am to pass there are certain things I want left a certain way, however completing them, organizing them with how difficult the pain already disables me from doing so easily is even worse when I have lost hope and am struggling and too stuck in the pain, and so the final 3 or 4 things I hope to have organized before I go haven’t really been able to get done. I am at the point now where I will just let go and forgive myself for not articulating what should be to expose certain fights for what is wrong in systems in society.

I just got 1 of 5 things done - sent an email as final attempt to try to find someone trustworthy to help my mom finish her house so she has a peaceful place for retirement. 2 of 5 will be posting this. 3 of 5 will be emailing a naturopath with an update re: Taylor although I am no longer hopeful she will have a container that will actually lead her to problem solving her issues, so unlikely anything will come from it. 4 of 5 will be briefly updating long form version of Taylor story. 5 of 5 is trying to compile what I can about the post-LASIK eye pain, what I have tried to heal my body including the eye pain, and how the eye pain has remained the constant and the majority cause of the executive function troubles I have - as has become more and more obvious as I have healed significant pain in the rest of my body nearing having likely more than 10 stem cell treatments now over the last 3+ years; something I would hope to share with the Boston eye doctor/researcher, with the lawyer who filed the Canadian class action lawsuit against LASIK and the doctor who did my surgeries, and in general for the community in general and perhaps the “Lasik Complications Support Group” on Facebook - so maybe anything that I tried would give them insight into what might help them or perhaps help problem solve a solution.

Aside from trying to get these final 5 things written, I no longer am going to attempt to write anything regarding to who would get my business projects, life’s work - Elon Musk and Dr. Jordan Peterson can share ownership if either of them wants my domains, designs, what I’ve written and so on; likely not because they are compiled well enough to transfer - though they would together both be most competent at understanding the ecosystem of platforms, holistic scale, and multidisciplinary health-wellness approach of my plans. I also no longer am going to attempt to fill out a form that is prerequisite to trying MDMA-assisted psychotherapy - a hope I had that maybe it would reduce stress in my body enough to make the pain more tolerable, however I am quite certain it is the ongoing, constant, trauma from the eye pain - though certainly it has made these past years also full of trauma. I am just trying to get myself to an appointment Feb 19th to try AmbioDisk for my right eye, and then to get to 2 more stem cell treatments in San Francisco - however it is difficult to even bother trying to hold on to get to those because the AmbioDisk, if my eye can tolerate it, will only help while wearing it - and it will be a brutal, impossibly strong reminder once I have to expose my eye to air again, and the stem cell treatments though they will reduce pain in my body again - that, as every other time as resulted in, will result in my just feeling the eye pain more clearly, and how it refers out and sensitizes my body.

Feb 5, 2020

One reason I don’t want to actually post this is due to the large amount of explanation that hasn’t happened, describing everything I have tried, all the failures of our healthcare system - especially our “mental health” system - and still where no one has offered me an opiate prescription, so aside from having taken them post stem cell treatments for a few days - I don’t know if long-term it would make the pain and limited function tolerable enough to not constantly be struggling. Having, trying to explain over and over and over again over the years to different doctors, answering the same line of questions over and over and over again - never really getting much deeper into actually problem solving or trying to provide treatment options that may help. I am just done with this Canadian health “care” system - no one is going to know the true extent of incompetence, how broken it is, I don’t see myself being around to write about it. I will try to post the “Saving Taylor” post and update so there is a public record of it, 100% chance it won’t change anything unless someone actively pushes for investigation and change for oversight and accountability.

This is how much I normally struggle, at least 50% of the time I am trying to dredge at the bottom, where it’s dark - but regardless of how well I stick to a routine, to limiting my activity, to eating cleanly, to optimizing to have mental energy to counter the physical pain - to counter the disruption from the eye pain and the executive dysfunction it causes, the baseline dysfunction caused by the eye pain hasn’t improved in years, there is no routine or baseline that is tolerable; the two times the eye pain did permanently improve some with each treatment - first with autologous serum eye drops and then ProKera I did for each eye - the noticeable permanent reduction still wasn’t significant enough; and temporarily the Scleral lenses to be worn for only periods throughout the day, the dramatic executive function improvement I had with them, was impossible to maintain with that relief and function improvement contrasted each day at the end of the day when I had to re-expose my eyes to the air, triggering the pain again fully, and rapidly experiencing the cascading of symptoms - the mental disruption and the tension, sensitization, referring and building through my body; https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scleral_lens

The other up to 50% is when I am delusional enough with hope, optimism, waiting for the next “big” stem cell treatment - in fantasy once tricking myself again that maybe this next healing will be different than the previous ones: where maybe my nervous system will reach a tipping point where the impact of the eye pain will greatly diminish due to enough pressure, pain, being removed from my nervous system. It never has happened though. This is where I am in a routine where I am not yet again bored of rotating through different social media sites - Twitter, Reddit - along with some other technology-related news sites, forums. This is when I am not yet completely bored of distracting myself with watching streamers on Twitch or watching YouTube videos. Days when I am in a routine and in a positive enough mood to enjoy and try to engage socially, in a routine going to Balzac’s cafe - taking a Lyft shared ride there and home again. The problem is nothing can actually move forward from this routine and routine itself is flawed in that boredom exists and that routine can’t really change due to the limitations the pain keeps me within; I can go out for stimulation, people watching, but there’s no gain in “teasing” myself if letting myself notice attractive women - teasing myself by allowing myself to think about dating or sex or anything nice, any of the creature comforts that come from relationships of various depths or intensity.

Cost is another factor. The money I have access to currently won’t last forever - and even if appointments like acupuncture or osteopathy would net positive, which I’m still not sure they are which I won’t explain here - at the moment when mostly going to those appointments via public transit, that amount of activity - the additional physical stress on my body on top of the stress the eye pain constantly applies, certainly counters most of the benefit from those appointments; likewise, acupuncture which I only did 3 or 4 weeks ago, and hadn’t done it for likely 2 years prior, allowed me to just feel my right eye pain as strongly and as clearly as I had ever been able to feel it - a strong, searing, burning sensation over the whole cornea that lastly as strongly for the next 8 hours - that searing sensation only diminishing as it slowly sensitized the rest of my body, just meaning it prevented me from properly perceiving it - but not reducing the executive dysfunction symptom. If I am in the better side of the difficult cycle then I regularly, daily, listen to my “New Life” play list - and often listen through the more somber but pleasant Jardim album by Rainer Scheurenbrandt; https://rainerscheurenbrand.bandcamp.com/album/jardim

I’ve written so many times about this pattern over the years, I hate writing about it now too - and why I am now struggling to even bother trying to get myself to a Boston eye doctor/research I was suggested to go to - however after the effort and cost of traveling to Boston, the being out of routine to not look forward to causing additional turbulence in my life the following 3-4 days, and after the $1300 USD cost, just starting cost, there is near 100% chance that no insights nor new treatment option that will come of it; it seems that I also know of stem cell research being conducted in the US that the main plaintiff in the Canadian class action lawsuit doesn’t know about, therefore nor does the lawyer, and likely also not this Boston eye doctor/researcher the plaintiff recommended I see - I’m guessing they don’t know about the mice/rat research from years ago either, the results of are which the human trials are being fast tracked in India; turns out the plaintiff who recommended me to see the Boston eye doctor/researcher hasn’t even gone to see him himself.

There has just been no point in continuing with trying to keep myself positive, optimistic - for as difficult as it is - once I am “flying” in it well enough, life can’t improve - relationships can’t evolve, I can’t move forward more in life. There’s been no point when letting myself mentally get excited about my projects or ideas to fix all of these broken systems - it just causes there to be more pressure, a stronger aversion to fight against, the pain to fight more strongly against - and trying to use executive function to try to move those ideas forward in any capacity, just the attempt adding pressure/stress - and then the potential consequences of trying to find others or spending money to hire others to do an uncertain but large amount of work necessary, is a lot - and certainly more than I am reasonably capable of handling, and even if I had the financial resources to hire and manage a team to do the work - managing would likely be too stressful as well; https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=21885586

I’ve tried twice now from different places in the last 8 months to get a referral for someone to speak to to see if the pain having been reduced as much as it has, if there was any value in talk therapy. Still haven’t heard anything back re: an appointment - though I was doubtful anyway that the physical cost of going to the appointment would result in net benefit anyhow.

And there’s nothing more I can do to help Taylor - the system isn’t going to be able to hold the safe container she needs - other than trying to send an update to her naturopath re: trying to problem solve her gut pain and nausea (that psychiatric doctors haven’t cared about nor understood the dis-ease progression consequences of for years), so I don’t have that hope or drive for effort to try to distract myself with any longer either; I don’t understand how psychiatry got a monopoly on hospitalizations, not only a monopoly but an exclusionary monopoly - where there's no requirement to work with other fields/disciplines, how isn't this considered or acknowledged to be neglectful by default, by design?

[unproduciblesmackdown]

weird to think back on things like the funky experience of being The All A’s/B’s gang and then The All A’s person during middle school and the Smart Kid designation cuz we all have a godawful time within the k-12 education system and also in Higher Education / academia as well and the setup isn’t like, good for anyone though natch between the “lack of attention / occasional positive attention” and “frequent / negative attention” ends of the experience the former is preferable; apparently weird to have been Good Student passing b/c again idk i have good retention and could memorize shit in homeroom for a quiz that day and that was great b/c actually i had godawful / nonexistent study habits and actually basically hated school and did anything last minute and all but like whatever, i could figure out / understand and remember shit more efficiently / faster than usual so like, idk, i’d get wild results ig. and anyways yeah Smart Kid throughout all of k-12 but like, although i don’t think i’m Not smart in any way, it’s like, but no i hated school and never really tried, that inferred correlation wasn’t there but like also there’s the weird Presumed Identity for you. and it Was weird b/c idk i was like, okay? “perpetually nebulous / imprecise / uncertain sense of identity” gang out here and i’m like hmm okay Am i “the good grades getter?” and then apparently you are cuz like welp that’s the Expectation, and also in my case i was also in the “oops let’s minimize ptsd party” gang of Gotta Get As/Bs motivation..............the point is like, it’s funny how despite that concept of what The A’s Getter is, by now i’m like oh but that’s not even like, my Main Thing, much less my Whole thing. my main thing is that i get wildly interested and passionate about stuff and when i’m really about shit i’m So about it and into it and all that yknow. and it’s like, would be cool if i hadn’t had to like, first fight past this arbitrary Assigned Box to even start to figure out what i’m Really like. but Schools aren’t out here about like allowing for people to be varied individuals and shit. plus, weirdly i’m not sure if i hadn’t had that “Positive” Label to supplant any others that my autistic ass would’ve been largely left alone as much as it generally was............even I didn’t get through middle school w/o some light bullying peppered in there but hey for the most part i got by. and like, i remember 15 was a time for a wild Agonizing Spike cuz that was the point i was having to try to settle on a college major and i was like bitch i don’t know!!! for starters how is every 19 / 20 y.o supposed to know!!! but like litchrelly a year and a half ago my ass was in middle school and barely had any opportunities to individually choose what to pursue, and even if i Had an interest i would sometimes assume if it didn’t seem like The Smart Kid choice i would just assume that like, my interest would only be Allowed to go so far. so yeah i’m 14-15 for the first time having a little breathing room and allowed to pick out my own shit and investigate various stuff (cuz of the luck of getting to live on campus aka parents are Not around and i can be around for more than just Classes) and yet like, that wasn’t enough time to suddenly Fully Realize The Whole Of My Own Identity And What My Actual Passions And Life Goals And Etc Are. plus i kinda remember that i figured i’d flunk out and so was kinda Not spending freshman year expecting to actually be able to do this college thing.....so yeah i always distinctly remember the Stress of sophomore year with this Timer counting down of “gotta declare a major oh god” and trying somehow to Realize What I’m Even Like (i did partially lmao outside of the Academic aspect of it) and obviously like, that’s a Lot.......................plus it was kind of doomed anyways cuz i do remember that when i even mentioned the fact of like “hey what if i majored in ______ [cuz i’m evidently actually like thinking social issues are what i’m thinking i could dedicate my attention to, i’m 15 idk trying to figure this shit out]” and it got immediately brushed off cuz of my mom’s assumptions about what i was like based on my being Smart(tm) and my not wanting to tell my parents about anything Actually about myself by that point so that was like..........well cool to know that that’s not an option for me anymore thanks to immediate dismissal........................like i totally remember that by sophomore year i was def Swiss Idol and “i don’t have a clue what to major in” was a big part of that 9_9...............and like, doing college early is kinda crazy but also Not having high school to mayyyybe figure things out for a bit before hurtling towards Declare Major at 92384 mph is like, would it have helped? who can say. but for example, i know Now i’m a theatre gay, and the limited number of friends-ish i made at college was basically all theatre gays what a surprise, but i myself didn’t ever touch that because i had No direct experience with it, because middle school didn’t have that extracurricular, and then being dropped into hs with people who did? i was like fuck i’m not auditioning for shit i really don’t know how to do. i’m not even Supposed To Be Here goddamn!! i can karaoke avpm in the first floor lounge that’s IT!! fuckin r.i.p. but i mean also i Know high school is it’s own fuckin mess that’s hardly like “flourish as individuals!!” all a sudden. like how i don’t know if i’d’ve been “solid B’s” gang if i would’ve had more room to just figure out my own shit earlier, or if things would’ve been even More miserable cuz of my replacement Type being something more frowned upon cuz weird loser was def waiting in the wings............and then of course Smart Kid expectation constraints wasn’t hardly the only issue in holding back that “oh wait but what am i like *Actually*” process cuz if i was in high school i would’ve been around my parents every day and That was just as much if not more a hindrance in figuring myself out. like going to college may have been useful in that yes i did learn shit but if nothing else i am glad for it b/c the strides i made in “god damn i have to get away from these people (my parents lmfao)” and knowing at least that i’m not Like what THEY thought i was like was E ssen tial Knowledge..........but anyhow like the point of looking back on this shit isn’t to figure out How To Have Run The Perfect Course cuz obviously what’s the point in imagining as broad a what-if, but it’s good for Understanding shit currently..........like oh yeah this crap probably Affected me!! and you gotta know the history to understand the present...............it’s just really wild how like, Passion and (rarely activated) Energy And Intense Interest is like, what i consider my Thing now, and that was like. not what i ever heard anyone else tell me that’s what i’m Like, like, ever basically. i mean not that i don’t think i’m Not smart. it’s just like, not my whole thing and it just kinda feels more incidental, right. What If the whole time i’d been able to pursue whatever i felt like is a wiiiiiiiild question i don’t even know. there’s been so Little of that that’s its absolutely off the shits to be able to put together “oh right i’ve been a theatre gay all along” and “actually i Have performed on stage a decent number of times and supremely thrived in those experiences and i Know i was interested cuz i wished like (@ my family: dni)” and have this very simple (and thus far unusable) Knowledge about something i actually like and am interested in, cuz for the most part it’s [??? ?? ? ?? ???]

on a shorter but related note: the Camaraderie i feel with everyone in the “either has or wants to or would even seriously consider Cutting Ties with parent/s" gang and like, always very Interested in the various experiences within this v broad category. cuz there are so many factors playing into Why you’re in this group and then there’s so many factors in regards to whether someone actually feels able to ditch a ‘rent or two, and then beyond that, all the factors in whether someone’s actually able to............like, knowing that it’s never “lucky” to have to be in this group in the first place, i fairly am Lucky about it in many ways cuz, first of all, lucky to have been able to actually execute [eff off from parents] maneuver, and lucky to get to Know that’s what i totally needed to do........we are all Valide in how we try to deal with relations w/ parents that are so bad you even have to think about “maybe i have to Not Have This Person In My Life At All” and like, when people are dealing with that but Don’t feel they have the option to truly cut that parent or two out of their life, that’s like, well as someone who once felt that way and can Empathize and yet also had these Factors Line Up which let me peace out which aren’t factors that are in play for everyone (as well as a lack of other factors which Are relevant for others and which might mean Leaving Behind Parent/s 5eva isn’t an option they’d consider) it’s like Oh wow, let me hear more about that experience. tldr the camaraderie

oh and ps. it’s funny how like, in my post-being-in-school life, i thiiiiiiiink people usually probably assume i’m Kinda Dumb if anything. cuz the Grades don’t exist anymore but i’m still autistic!!!!! which is another wild factor in thinking about like “well what if [some aspect of my life] had been entirely different, hmmm” cuz it’s like. well i’d’ve still been autistic lmao..............the Social shit has like, been an issue even before the other usual shit in school cuz i Knew i wasn’t fitting in at preschool when all we were doing was like, learning colors and going outside. and it always was a bit distressing to me Never really having more than a couple friends and even then not that close or anything, right? and also how i’d try to Fix this with various strategies and trying out different situations like “oh well i’m not putting myself out there i’ll put myself out there” [tries it and it half-backfires] or “well if i’m spending a weekend with people who know me from Online they’re gonna like me for sure” [majority of ppl in a sub Friend Group i’m peripheral to and i’m intermittently stressed the whole time] “Ah Fuck” lmao and honestly only recently am i like oh right..............when you’re autistic socializing just in a very fundamental way is really like That*.................(*a way i can’t easily explain lmao)............like really just in mad recent times kind of realizing like, oh, okay, i don’t think i can ever Adjust My Approach and just suddenly become good at Easily Makes Friends and that kind of shit..............finally just kinda realizing like ohh right okay i really just do Not do “normal good conversation” like you’re supposed to and that’s just chill The Way It Is not necessarily “not good enough at it” way but It Just Is Different way like........yeah it can be Not Pointless to try to modify your social approach and that’s true for absolutely anyone, but like say, if i’m like oh if i simply get Better at [social interaction task] i will then finally be Good at it, it’s like, shit well that’s honestly just not how it works for me. like, #getting how after a point it’s like “okay learning to do [task] in a way that’s more [like this] is maybe gonna be better for Masking / seeming allistic but like, not for Actually giving me a social experience that’s more fulfilling for Me.” Plus, it’s like, i’m also way more (or okay at least As Much) socially limited by external factors, probably. 

pps oh and also, tangentially related b/c Autistique, it’s wild how every time you delve into (something At All specific about autism) you’ll probably learn something Utterly new about autism which is like god damn this isn’t That niche why haven’t i heard this!! why do i have to know there are 538 other would-be “i should already know this” revelations waiting for me about this topic cuz you have to manage to dig up this stuff on your own and dodge all the unhelpful bullshit types of sites where it’s Not about info from people / for people who are autistic? please. it’s almost like this is a constant and important part of my identity that affects p much every aspect of my life and is helpful to hear others’ info about the collective experience of it b/c like, it’s literally all in your own head and you can’t just somehow Know the ways you’re different in that realm just from emergent traits you can pick up on and figure out. ugh!!!! anyways

this is LONG but NO readmore b/c eh. who am i if not [i hope everyone hates my blog this week.jpg] every week

[cloudytreefolk]

Giving Instructions

I chose to make an illustration on the category “getting to my house”. Ironically I got a bit lost with this exercise, it was the first project somewhat similar to the representative illustrations of the last course section, so I was a little overwhelmed trying to apply advice from my tutor feedback along with deciphering the instructions. I have a slightly different way of interpreting language than others since I’m on the autistic and adhd spectrum so one of the key challenges of a distance learning course is making sure I’m reading the instructions properly and staying focused on the brief instead of getting kind of carried away in other directions that I might find more immediately rewarding. So because I can find it hard to follow instructions, a task about giving instructions with as few words as possible was tricky! Balancing informative and aesthetic interests was challenging too, since if I was looking for directions I’d find the clearest map possible. Similarly as someone who plays musical instruments, it’s easiest to learn music from sheet music...and making a cup of tea is such a basic thing I don’t know why you’d need instructions for it. These were my initial personal reactions at least. Just now writing this I’m thinking, ok, so who would the audience be for tea-making instructions? And actually they could be useful to a lot of people - people learning to make tea, or people who benefit from visual reminders for everyday executive functioning tasks. Or for a specific tea recipe, like a London Fog or chai or fruit iced tea. Or if the tea-making steps were presented in a really striking graphic design it might work as a print to hang up in the kitchen for people who are really into tea? With hindsight and these factors in mind I think with “Getting to my house” I chose the most complicated and challenging category for me personally, and there’s probably a good lesson to learn here about starting my Learning Log posts off right at the start of the project so I can work through some of these things as I go instead of after. 

Initial artist research, style inspiration 

Johnny Hannah’s Darktown - suggested by my tutor, a fictional town formed of memories and inspirations and obsessions. I thought maybe I could be inspired to represent my home town in a similar way, bring in some of this magic realism and let my inspirations and experiences colour my depiction of my way home. Looking at his art style, together with Tim Smart’s, another artist suggestion from my tutor, served as a reminder that illustration can be bold and anarchic and expressive and that interesting mixture of aesthetic “flaws” and technical prowess. I particular loved the wonky perpestive and atmosphere of these pieces by Tim Smart, they feel so atmospheric and dramatic from his use of lighting, coupled with bold colour and scribbly textures. I also was really enjoying Jeffrey Alan Love’s use of strong shape/silhouette and texture. These three artists inspired me to try a way more messy and expressive illustration style in this exercise.

Style exploration/mark-making

Mini studies from Carson Ellis’ “Home”, some from details of Darktown book (A)

Determining steps (B)- after some brainstorming notes I drew a map of the village to get my bearings a bit. Some very big and scrawly paper sheets trying to work it out. Eventually I went very very literal and took photographs along the whole route home to refer back to in the hope I could figure out which shots would be most key in giving someone else directions.

More markmaking and style experiments kind of following on from my Carson Ellis and Johnny Hannah studies (C) none of these really appealed to me, at this stage I was just playing with mediums and seeing what stuck.

James Gurney Light and Colour house watercolour painting (D)

After my more cartoony experiments I tried painting a house on my route home with watercolours in a more realism-inspired technique, and I found this really rewarding. I’m really attracted to super bold zingy colours but this can get in the way of creating the kind of moodier atmospheres I’d like, so I’ve been reading James Gurney’s “Colour and Light” and watching his gouache process videos to learn how he creates these gorgeous heightened, almost magic realism paintings. As I was painting this house I tried to begin to apply what I’ve learned from him regarding how atmospheric light affects colour saturation and temperature, and how your eyes can trick you as to what colours you’re actually looking at.

Specifically with my green and white house painting, I found I actually needed a cold blue gray for the longer wall, with a little bit of purple added to warm it up just as it comes to meet the side of the house lit by the sun. For this wall I used a warmer creamy sand tone wash.

James Gurney on the benefit of “gross” colours - “More paintings suffer from the “fruit salad disease” of too much pure colour rather than from murky mud....the cure is good value organisation...a well-placed gray makes pure colour sing.”

Final inspiration moodboard for drawing my route steps - Johnny Hannah kind of folk-punk roughness, Andrew Wyeth-inspired dirty smudgy winter textures and restricted colour palette, bringing in a bit of gothic dark folktale inspiration from the art style of the animated show Over the Garden Wall, which combined a painterly grisaille style rendering with large swathes of block fill shadow for the background art. This had the dual benefit for the background artists of restricting the amount of painterly detail and looking really really cool and spooky.

I did some more style experiments following the ideas above, from this moodboard (E) I also had an idea inspired by Johnny Hannah of using quotes/song lyrics/poem extracts. I could use these to tell a story along the route, I like the scrawly handwriting writing with a brush pen makes (F).

Really rough route thumbnails (G)

Drawings from my route photo steps - plastic wallet

Digital work below - layout experiments/format 

Development ideas 

[a-blrofonesown]

Fall 2018 - Once More Into the Breach!

Hey everyone! The new semester starts up next week, and I wanted to take the time to introduce myself a little more fully and talk about what I want to do with this blog going forward. Right now it’s mostly just a dumping ground for posts or art tutorials I’ve found, and I want to give it a little more purpose.

My name is Nikki/Nikkil, whichever you would prefer, and I’m a storyteller. I’ve been actively writing since about 2007, and drawing or painting since about 2009. I’m studying illustration and creative writing at university, along with things acting and playwriting. I like experimenting with new ways of combining various forms of media to see if I can tell stories that resonate with people that maybe connect with visual or physical input more than they do the written word, because everyone deserves to be able to enjoy stories in their “native language”, so to speak. I write predominately upper YA/crossover adult stuff, with a focus on science fiction and fantasy.

I created this blog last year, around the same time that I made it into the illustration program. The title is a riff off of Virginia Wolff’s “A Room of One’s Own”—I wanted to create a space where I could come and talk about the things I’m trying to achieve in my studies, to have a sounding board with other students, to basically have somewhere where I could say, “when I am here, I can be successful and in control of my studies.”

I mention in my about section that I’m autistic. I’ve got a few other brain things, like ADHD-inattentive type and OCD tendencies, all of which can contribute to a pretty scattered mind and a hard time with executive functioning skills like task initiation and time management. In the past, this has made it pretty hard to consistently stay on top of schoolwork because there were just so many moving parts. However, another part of my autism is my special interest in education and learning. I really, really love learning about how to learn and focus and improve. I have a gigantic catalog of articles, videos, and short ebooks on my phone waiting to be read and assimilated. When I was in high school, I always felt like there was something that other people knew that I didn’t. Somehow, they had been told how to manage their time and their coursework, and they had time for work and extracurriculars and leisure and they could just keep track of things. I want to be that kind of person—in control of my own life.

I’ve always enjoyed the opportunity to be methodical. I like making plans and reporting back on them. I like the accountability of it, not because I dislike the drop that comes if I fail to do as I’d intended, but because I love the buzz that comes when I succeed. There are a few things I’d like to do with this blog going forward to try and harness that phenomenon.

#OneMoreDayOfProductivity - A riff on the #100DaysOfProductivity I’ve seen around the blogosphere. I like the idea of trying to build up streaks for important habits. I like the look of the unbroken chain. However, something I’ve recently been trying to do is not fail before I have a chance to succeed. Trying to decide to do something for 100 days when it is still only day 1 has enough psychological weight as it is, and if I’ve tried and failed to do something like it before, it becomes that much harder to believe I can do it. One day, though? I can do one day. I can do one day of writing, one day of planning, one day of drawing. I can do this one day at a time. Who cares what happens tomorrow? This is about today.

Weekly Wrapups - I used to work at a place with a professional development program, and each week we would meet with a coach and review our goals and plan out action steps for the coming week. We’d adjust plans as needed to reflect how our actual progress was going, accounting for unexpected difficulties or successes. Right now, I have a coach I meet with to help me with my executive function skills, and we do the same thing with my school work. I’d like to do a post in tandem with that, to go over what I’ve succeeded at this week and what I’d like to change or implement going forward. I’d also like to do a roundup of posts or videos or other resources I’ve come across over the week that have to do with relevant topics like mental health, creativity, education, art, etc.

Masterposts - I don’t have a lot of original content to round up into a master post, but I do have a HUGE selection of third-party resources. I’d like to make a series of masterposts that I can update as I work through my own catalog. I want to make it easy to use these resources to find the kind of information you’d be looking for, so I’d include little blurbs talking about what the article or post or video had to say and what I liked about it. I’d reblog them every so often as I update them, and I’d probably set up a permalink on the side of the blog so you could find them easily. Some topics I’d like to cover would include:

Mental Health in College

Executive Functioning Skills

General Study Skills

Creative Thinking (for brainstorming, writing, drawing, design, etc.)

Reading and Comprehension

Focus and Productivity

How to Art

How to Write

Self Care and Self Regulation

How to Adult

Motivation

Apps and Tools

and whatever else I find while I trawl through my massive archive!

I’m pretty excited to get back into the swing of things. No matter what happens, I always see a new semester as another chance to do things right. The studyblr/studioblr community is such a wonderful place—you all congratulated me when I got into my program last year, and so much of my archive is filled resources that you’ve put together in your own time. Let’s do this together, one day at a time!

Some places you can find me:

The Studioblr Collective Discord: It’s a great community full of wonderful people! You can get help on projects, post progress shots and final pieces, troubleshoot programs, or just hang out. You can find more about that here.

@nikkilbook : My main blog. I mostly do cross-posting from here, with the occasional reblog and the rare original post. Sometimes you’ll see bits and pieces of the shenanigans my sister and I get up to.

@nikkil-rp : A writeblr/roleplay blog I started to showcase the characters and stories I’ve been working on, both in words and art. There are a bunch of handy permalinks along the side to my project character pages.

Words and Worlds: My Wordpress blog, where I put my original fiction, complete with the pertinent illustrations. Everything up to the first act of each story (which currently means everything) will be open to be read.

Artstation: My full portfolio, complete with progress shots. The progress shots are my favorite part of any project—I love seeing how it all comes together.

DeviantArt: A more casual portfolio. This has some of my older, pre-university work, as well as a few short written pieces. I’d like to get this one up to date, particularly with some of my sketchbook work, but that’s lower on my list of things to do right now.