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purpldazed · 4 months ago

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Sept. 21, 2024

Dear Ela,

I don't have the guts to send another email after what I sent the last time. So, I'll cope with writing another unsent email of mine. I thought of this idea when I was commuting earlier from Mauban and here to Lucena. It's not easy to write my heart out, much less to be honest on paper if it means baring myself out in some way. Somehow it was easy to open up in each and every last email I sent you. I guess this will be some type of journal now.

The weather felt nice today. Not too hot but, not too cold either. Mauban is still as homey as ever. Just fairly balanced in all the right ways. How are you? Have you been doing well these days? How's Tayabas? Are you still babysitting? Is EU still rowdy and magical in all the best (and worse) ways? Or has it been getting old now? I hope you've been doing well.

Honestly, I'm still stuck on why you told me about your feelings in ninth grade. Maybe I misunderstood. I'm half-hoping that I did and didn't— I'm half-hoping I can move forward from you. In a way, I wondered if my truth will be the end of us. Life is such a beautiful dichotomy, you know? Confessing to you meant that a lot of questions will be asked and lots will remain unanswered at the same time. But holding myself back would mean that it'd fester and root deeper if I didn't get to confess my unsaid answers to your questions. It was a risk, a gamble at best on my part. But, what's life without being unapologetically honest? That's what I always think about. I just wonder where the line between truth and secrets ends.

It's 2:39AM. It's not that I can't sleep, but my thoughts are keeping me up. Many things changed in the past few years. I even got in a motorcycle accident and people think I've turned religious now after I almost died. I wonder if you'll still know me or will I be another stranger left in the past for you? I don't want to dwell and we both know that neither do you. Move forward was what you've said. There's just lots of questions on my end and I can't imagine what you hold either.

It'll pass, right? It's funny that a friend said that I'm truly my cousins’ sibling because of that sentiment. “Kapatid ka nga ng mga kapatid mo,” was the true gist of it. “It’ll pass,” turned out to be our always. I find myself dwelling on the fact that you said it'll pass— what will pass? Your care, your hold on your unanswered questions, your hurt? Maybe curiosity did kill the cat for me. At least, it's killing me inside. But, I think that I understand you when I feel how easier it is for us to see each other from afar. Like we're keeping each other at an arm's length is much safer than becoming too close to be comforted yet again, just to part ways for the nth time.

I didn't lie when I said I may have many Dorotheas in my life. Sure, you can come back in my life and you'd have your own space always waiting for you as if nothing changed. Obviously same goes for Dhapne and Abby. Just like how it has been and always will be. But, I know you're the one and only Alewife in my life. Alewife had been coined in my life because of you and your story that it's because of Clairo's friend (if I remember right.) Not because you were the only person who was there in my worse moments but because I think of you fondly like a city girl who can't stop herself from buying a cheap 15 peso coffee off a two-way street in the downtown of a small cozy town where nothing can ever go wrong.

If there had been enough time then I really would've gone in detail on my unsent email in that damned Tumblr dump. Too bad, Tumblr has a word count limit. I swear that site went to shit after that internet censorship stunt in the early 2010s. Anyway, I posted on my finsta on the same day I wrote that message. It was titled: “there's just some places we won't walk.” Call me fatalistic and defeatist— which none are who I am but, I truly believed it had ended when I left. Maybe that's why I risked becoming bankrupt and hollowed in the mess that was Kacie. I thought there was no before, during, nor after once you guys weren't in my life anymore. I kept thinking that I risked so much and can only give so little after a long while, why let it all amount to nothing? I was just stupid, of course. But truly, I saw no future once I lost you guys.

Before the year ends, I want to do it right this time. I'll be painfully honest and hopefully we'll be set free if we aren't yet. Would it be so wrong of me to visit Boston, Massachusetts and go to Alewife? I think by then, everything would come crashing down. I think I'd truly feel everything dawn on me even if it'd be years from now. But for now, I don't know when I fell in love with you, Ela. I really don't and the questions of why, how, and when only filled to the brim when you asked me too.

I always thought that love itself felt consuming in a way, not gentle nor domestic. Growing up, I often thought of love like the feeling you feel after a long day drowning in day-to-day life then coming home to a homemade meal. Or maybe the feeling is reminiscent of that nostalgic early 2000s Christmas season. I was wrong. At first, I honestly thought what I felt was just completely platonic and reminiscent of admiration of some kind. Seeing you in your element whenever you asked me to hang around while you did your work felt... right. Not right, like how friends felt. There was a certain distinct feeling that felt “more,” I just didn't know what until Kacie came and I wasn't in your lives anymore.

I wasn't sure whether I should've talked about my attachment but I guess my reluctance stemmed from shame and BPD being stigmatized. I don't think you were my favorite person and that's not how I became attached to you in every way. If it was BPD, I would have mourned and not felt anything after. But I feel your absence on days when I know you'd like the view of the sea. I feel the space you left in my life in the coffee shops that you'd judge the drinks as if you're a coffee connoisseur. The absence you left is felt deeply even by the people in my life whenever I speak of you and the regrets that come thereafter.

How could my attachment be anything but withstanding? It's not just a momentary flux. Although I'm sorry if I carry it like a sin in need of absolution. It's not, I don't really feel sorry for the way I feel. It's just that— an accidental influx of chemicals made in the silhouette of you. Love feels like a benediction for me— contentment from afar. An admiration of some kind laced with remembering, just like when a painter finds all the hues for the perfect picturesque likeliness of his muse on a blank canvas.

In a way, you're the color white in the color wheel. The hex code of #FFFFFF, or (255, 255, 255,) for decimal if you work like that digitally. Why? You're that base in every canvas behind every other hue or silhouette, like a foundation of some kind. A tried and true making of that uniqueness solely your own to beckon and call. I say these words with only the utmost truth I've withheld but cannot dare to keep any more than I already have because I see so much in life and think, “Oh, this. This. It's made for Ela.” Whether it's the music you once shared, the artwork in museums you haven't visited, or the paths still untread— some things just scream “you.” Rough on the edges, soft in the seams, and ultimately like a love letter in the same likeness. You're uniquely you in all the best ways. Just steadfast, tenacious, and yet, completely reminiscent of a soft bloom in metamorphosis. I know it should be called germination but, I digress. You're the artist with the creative mind between the two of us but in the years I've known you, I always had that one recurring yet singular thought that you're made to be the muse in your everyday life.

Being a Sagittarius feels like there's always a certain need for adventure, for more. Patterns grow boring over time and so does routine that ends up feeling like a damning chore. It's just how life felt whenever things reoccurred without change. Geez! I feel incorrigible by how much I've yapped and yap even more but thank goodness, this is just. Coffee, books, and growth through spirituality felt enough for someone like me who always went to chase the newest high.

I felt content with you, Ela. I didn't want any less nor did I want anything more. It was enough. You were perfect on lazy days, much more on days where there was a planned meetup. You were enough when you couldn't give and when you felt too much for yourself. But for me, I've never met anyone who had that balance of never becoming a cup filled half-full or half-empty. I always thought that we'd never meet the same person even in the same individual but, I never had once felt that way about you.

Remember when you ghosted me or when things went in disarray between us? I left after eighth grade and I remember we weren't friends after that. I only had Dhapne and even she didn't know what went wrong between the two of us. Still to this day, I don't. Does it have to do something about what you told me? Anyway, the point is that you stayed the same even with the distance and time in that separation of a friendship break-up. What I mean by you stayed the same is that you were always there but, comfortably at a distance. Like, I saw you in all your likeness even when you weren't physically there.

When we became friends again, you were still that driven and excitable in your endeavors. You were still that same hue despite the fact that life often seems to change the best of people. But, you didn't become anything that you never were. When you spoke of passions, it gleamed ever so brightly like it always did. When you carried weight, it passed so silently as if it wasn't there at all like the breeze of the wind if you don't pay attention enough. And God, you were still that same girl I met who laughed heartily at dumb small dogs especially with those videos of dogs dancing or that one dog that jumped to bite the bell and shake its body to ring it.

Unchanging and evergreen is what you've always been. Whenever you'd change, it's still in your likeness and closer to the real essence of you. It's still your brand and screaming “you, you, you.” And, that's what I mean by you've always been enough and balanced. There's nothing else to ask for more of you, really.

Alright, it's been a long message. It's already 6:14AM and I haven't slept. We still have to move out of our apartment so I'll end this here. I hope you guys are doing fine and that you're happier these days. It's the least you guys deserve. Happy Saturday! I'll be off to catch up on sleep now. Honk shoooo mimimimi 😴

— A.

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voicesofadistressedsoul · 6 months ago

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October 4, 2024

It's the day after Heartstopper released, and to say that I feel like how Nick and Charlie were during the first half is an understatement. I do this thing where after I watch something that is sad I take on that personality. Whether it's that I realize how shit my life is, or it's the kind of attention seeking where you think a camera is on you, and if you don't show signs of struggling then people might not take you seriously. Regardless, I have been feeling like shit.

Its been a long time coming, and I'm not so sure why I'm wondering where it came from. Money problems are the root of all evil, because how dare we give people a livable wage so that we can eat and pay rent. Insane.

Before I get into anything truly crazy, and if there are even any people that are going to be reading this (as I will post tags), I feel like I should introduce myself. My name is Anon, not that it's my actually name, it's just how you will refer to me. I am going to share as little information about myself as possible. It's the internet, and it's crazy at how obscure things can be traced back to you, and for some of the things that I wish to talk about, its better to have that barrier between my life and strangers online. Growing up on the internet you realize the comfort that can come from people not knowing who you are. My pronouns are they/them, though I really don't care. I am going to be turning 23 soon and I have 2 cats that will also remain nameless. That is all you get to know about me.

I truly don't know why I am writing this on the internet, I think I am just trying to live my best TV guru life where the star of the show is struggling, but it's only when they discover her hidden tumblr page do they realize the signs were all there. Not that I am going to do anything, like I said I have cats that need me and I need them. Can't imagine being anywhere without their presence in my life. I also want people to know that they're not alone, even if it's just one person who knows that another person is feeling just as shit as they are, that's all I want. Call it the older daughter, middle sibling treatment where we know how shit people can feel, and it was our job to put people back together (or to stay out of the way cause we were made to feel like we were always in the way). Truthfully the picking and choosing which sibling has the most family trauma from getting forgotten is all horseshit to me (though it is the middle one).

Anyways, now that that long intro is over, let's get into the main topic of the day. Heartstopper.

I align myself more with Isaac than I care to tell anyone really. It's not an easy topic to breach when you don't even know yourself. I've had crushes, sure, and I think it's why I really want a Solitaire spinoff is so we can see that kind of figuring out without the main topic being love. While I love the love!, it's also just as important as to see that not everyone wants that, or can even feel that. I have had crushes and boyfriends and one girlfriend, and I adore women and think I need to be committed to a woman to fully know if I do want that kind of thing in my life. I am completely okay with being alone, and if I am asexual and aromantic, I think I need to cover all my options. I think I'm more demi where I need to know someone for a long time before I can start loving them. Which sucks when that is not how society works right now. Its all "date someone and then tell them you love them a few months later", and that entire concept is just so weird to me. Like don't you date someone because you love them? Anyways, I think that is a huge part of why I am feeling this weight all over me.

Uncertainty hurts, and its alot of what I am feeling right now. I am scared for the future because I'm 23 and not in school, dropped out actually, I am in a minimum wage job, moved out, no car, and in debt already because of messed up taxes and being fired from 2 jobs this year, so I was on payments from the government that I have to give back, plus school loans that was all for nothing. So money issues, and then being lonely when I don't want to be, but I also am scared of being in a relationship because my last big and long one ended and I haven't been able to long another person like that since. Feeling like I am letting people down when I know that I am trying my best, but feeling like my best isn't good enough and I am one bad day away from a "we need to talk" conversation. No one tells you how hard it is growing up being in an environment of 'your best isn't good enough' and then being surrounded by people who just want to see you be the best version of yourself and wouldn't get upset with you for trying, and trying to rewire your destructive brain to accept that view. It's hard, and it's hard to have those conversations that showcase that you're trying, and then trying to self-therapize yourself while looking to websites and pinterest for quotes that make you feel better.

I've also been listening to Aurora, her music has really been helping me get through this time as her music makes me cry when I'm sad. It itches that part of my brain that just wants to run away from all the pressure of being someone. This world is so hard set on being someone, and if you fall anywhere short of that then you're treated as if you have failed life. And if you want to be someone, the realization that you're nothing but ordinary hurts. But, when I am feeling that way I look at the people around me, who would classify themselves as the ordinary, and I look at them and I see anything but. I see them being the reason that I keep trying to get better, and them being the literal light in my life. To me, they are anything but ordinary. I remember the little moments of someone that I look up to, a streamer that I've been watching for 2 years, and how every time someone tells him that he helps them get through the day and he treats himself as ordinary, but he's not. I think about how he knows my name in his chat, and that people in his fandom know me on social media, and are nothing but loving and encouraging, and that they are not ordinary either, and they create and put so much good into this world to even be classified as that. No one is just ordinary, but it doesn't help the voice in my head that is telling me that I am the only ordinary thing in this world. That all of my love in art and writing and reading and video creating amounted to nothing but unfinished projects.

I think I just need to get diagnosed and it will all be better, but I don't know what my insurance covers and no one wants to diagnose and overweight presenting-woman.

That's all I am going to dump about today. See you tomorrow, maybe not.

Just know you're not alone,

Anon <3

#diary #dear diary #trauma dump #anon

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saucedxll · 9 months ago

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Rant about aesthetics ig

ok pls tell me i'm not the only one who love aesthetics that are either a: pretty much any aesthetic that's like:

like how do i explain this? it's like a bad message + ★·.·´¯`·.·★ 𝑰'𝒎 𝒂 𝒑𝒓𝒆𝒕𝒕𝒚 𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒌 𝒑𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒔 ★·.·´¯`·.·★ like:

idk how to explain this just. look at this. it's weirdly pleasing to look at, b: Gissy, pommi or the old green bathroom in ur dreams, okay so if you don't know what i mean by "gissy" or "pommi", gissy=GIS=girl interrupted syndrome so any aesthetic like

pommi is any aesthetic w/ pomegranates and using cannibalism as a metaphor for love, like if ur one pinterest like me you've prolly seen quotes like "i would've bled out if you told me you liked the colour red" or "i would've grown flowers in my lungs if you told me you like daisies" y'know like this:

i know, it's weird, but it's cool

anyways the last one kinda explains itself, like y'know that weird fever dream-ish aesthetic where it's kinda like:

y'know those dreams you have that are kinda like lucid dreams where you're aware this is a dream but can't wake up (or don't want to) they kinda look like those images above and it has it's normal dream elements like things being in places they don't belong or one second ur in ur bedroom the next ur at a beach, things of that nature

those dreams that feel so incredibility real but when you wake up you can hardly remember anything, normally just key moments or one moments and it's details, a example of this could be like a dream i recently had where i don't remember much but in order this is what i could scoundrel together

1: this weird moment where i'm in my school hallway and i'm running from something and the whole thing looks exactly like my school except this dead-end where there's this mid-size gap in the roof that's goes up into complete darkness and i (somehow because that goddamn hallway is like 10ft wide) get up into the gap and climb for like a minutes before i just fall up like (spoilers if ur just getting into stranger things) the upsidedown in stranger things where one characters finds this black hole in the ground (not a literal blackhole like a hole with black gunk around it) and the character goes in and falls into this other version of where they found this hole, anyways kinda like that but i fall into *smug laugh* my house

2: idk when tf this happened in the dream but i'm stuck in this gas station bathroom, like greenish lighting, slurs are written on the walls, the toilet itself looks like if you touched it you'd contract 7 different new viruses, y'know, a gas station bathroom, and i KNOW this shit was a dream because my dumbass was just calmly sitting there like i'm not trapped in one of the nastiest places in the northern hemisphere, also rap was just blasting one the radio, it sound like some teenagers came in the gas station w/ one of those hand-held speakers turned to full volume on 103.7 kiss FM (some1 plsss help me because i can't get the ♪one 'o three point seven *insert music here* kiss FM♪ beat outta my head it's burned into my mind helpppppp)

3: i was in a classroom (my 7th grade one even tho im in 8th) and my teacher turned on the news to the political debate and what showed up was a video of joe bidan questioning the country and it's root, how "great" america is and said ᵖᵃᵖᵉʳ before a shit ton of post-it-notes started crashing through own windows, like a tornado of pink, yellow and green post-it-notes (individually not the pack).

anyways, dreams where you can only remember a few details and thats it

and finally c: hear me out, 2014 tumblr, now im like 95% sure that the moment ya'll read "hear me out" you thought i was gonna say something dirty, well ur not entirely wrong about thinking that >:), like any aesthetic that came about or rose in popularity during 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓰𝓸𝓵𝓭𝓮𝓷 𝓪𝓰𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓮 𝓲𝓷𝓽𝓮𝓻𝓷𝓮𝓽 y'know the "it's 2014, ur 6 y/o again and a happy tree friends video caught your eye the age of the internet full of cat videos and shitty adult parodies of beloved kids shows/movies, when you were like 8 and found a creepypasta iceberg video and had a shot full of dopamine shoot through you prepubescence body, ur 7 y/o again with way too much freedom on the internet and you find a lil niche site call bestgore.com", ok but on a real note i know the shit i saw in the era probably warrants therapy but i 'd take runthegauntlet.org & racist mario (if ykyk) anyday over skibidi toilet or fvcking max design pro, anyways aesthetics like emo, scene/scenecore, furries, etc, i find cool, now this may just be the desperate little 6 y/o in me clinging onto anything that looks remotely similar to what i grew up on talking, but things like bronies and ___ meets ___ series never fail to give me a weird sense of fucked up nostalgia, ok yea that's definitely the traumatized 6 y/o in me talking for sure but still they look cool, also i am LIVING for the resurgence in early 2000s/2010s style of animation it is BEAUTIFUL even if it looks kinda shitty

anyways thanks for reading my rant

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andyzreality · 3 months ago

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genuinely i find types of videos like this incredibly infuriating because rather than have an interesting discussion about spirituality, they are used to demean and bully other people. regardless of whether or not you believe in shifting, you shouldn't be trying to "diagnosis" strangers on the internet (especially since 9 times out of 10, these people are not doctors or psychiatrists and don't know what they're talking about when it comes to what mental illness is and looks like). these videos are just an excuse for people to point and laugh at others free of most repercussion because shifting is generally viewed as "abnormal."

"look at all these delusional children! don't they realize how stupid they are for believing this? they must be experiencing psychosis! they must be schizophrenic!" and props to them for also simultaneously trivializing the effects of actual mental illness in a person's life. great job, guys! (/s)

now, a lot of reality shifting criticism is also rooted in misogyny, primarily targeting teenage girls, but it does make sense if you think about how and when many people first learned about the practice—2020/2021 shiftok. at the time (and still somewhat true today), the most popular creators were young women in their teens and early twenties. you can probably see where i'm going with this. there is a post by a user named hauntedhouseghost (who is not part of the shifting community btw) that explains this even better than i probably can.

anyway, there is still a lot about the brain and consciousness that we don't fully understand. for instance, out of body experiences, or OBEs—things like astral projection and near death experiences. there are theories, of course, but a lot has not been concretely and scientifically proven. the same can also be said about the existence of other realities (despite what people have been saying recently about Google's supercomputer Willow definitely proving it). however, that isn't to say that there is no proof that reality shifting is real, quite the contrary actually. but like any other spiritual practice, much of it is anecdotal, which is in part why so many people stress how personal of a journey shifting is. our experiences are often incredibly subjective.

to close, since i've already been rambling for too long, i just want to say that doubts are okay! it's okay to be skeptical and question things. it's healthy, and, in fact, it's a sign that you're thinking critically and not taking everything at face value. addressing your doubts constructively will allow you to grow in your shifting and spiritual journeys.

i hate anti shifters so much

a youtube video on shifting popped up in my recommended today and I did the mistake of watching it, the comments were full of people agreeing with the creator, talking about psychosis and maladaptive daydreaming and mental illness and whatnot. I'm genuinely upset now someone please tell me it's not true

#; reblog #; andy writes #i hope this helps?#i'm sorry if this just seems like me rambling for like 5 paragraphs #reality shifting

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something-glowing4u · 1 year ago

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when I'm hungry and have no food, I'll get a small amount of salt then just spend an hour eating it very slowly.

anyways new chapter of Daisy Petals Fall coming soon in like. more than 20 seconds. so like. bit over 20 seconds. just a smidge. nothing too crazy. could be 21 seconds if you're optimistic enough. even 22. no guarantee.

I could be bluffing though, and you'd never know. like I could release it in 19 seconds. trip you up. or 1, possible 14 seconds. It could be out right now and you'd never know, because you were busy reading this! now don't go checking now. It's not out. but it will be. In more than 20 seconds from now. no, I'm not tricking any of you. I promise it was just a joke, it really WILL be more than 20 seconds from now. "when is now?" you ask. now is when THIS post was posted of course! so if you see this in 30 minutes, an hour later, maybe a day, then you might be lucky enough to not have to wait 20 seconds! good for you! get excited! there's a good chance it's out right now! key word. chance. yeah. so if you checked about 2 days after this was posted, and it's not there, then uh...sorry about that.

but, kind of your fault if you got your hopes up. I did say chance so. But the good part is. I don't actually have to worry about it that much. It's not like this fanfic is some big thing many people are just DYING to see. maybe like one of you, but it's not a huge priority. you can casually just enjoy following a small story with each update. you don't have high expectations for a fan creating work, because in the grand scheme of things, it's never something so grand. and you know this. that's a good thing. a really good thing. I know the story may be a bit different if I were to have more eyes on me. But even writers who make it big run into problems with life in some shape or form. Surly takes longer than 20 seconds to cough up a draft you been working on for 7 weeks with only 300 words....oh sorry, I mean 300 characters. you can cough and cough and cough, but you can only seem to cough up...flan... ew... Sometimes the passion is lost and, "I'll never be a good writer!" "I suck at updates!" "I can't get passed my art block!" are words the words that will usually come out. as much as I wanna say "don't think like that you can improve!" I also know it's not that simple. you will say these things at some point. especially if your confidence is constantly dull. It's normal to say those things. especially when everything you read is so much better than your own in your eyes. but believe a stranger on the internet for once, it's not true. how corny! what cliché advice! you've heard this a lot, I bet. well.... its good advice. yeah sure, it sounds insincere, due to how overused it is but it's very true. you just need to learn to accept it. it can be hard because we subconsciously think everything we make sucks and will never be as good as those that have inspired you. but those who inspired you probably had the same problems, losers.

naturally, we can get rid of theses thoughts with time. how simple. Some can't though. they need more encouragement, and sometimes they have no one to hype them up. I'll hype you up. yeah, I know I have no clue who's reading this. To you, you're just reading words on a screen that are just saying sweet nothings. K I want you're attention now so don't you dare roll you're eyes....unless you didn't and actually are looking forward to reading this. But um. I'm cheering for you. you don't believe me? tag me, I'll cheer for you personally. I don't care. I know what it's like to feel like no ones rooting for you. I truly believe each word I type. Because to think people are struggling as bad as I am and have no positive thoughts can't go un-noticed. I won't let acid eat away who you are....ew now it's getting all mushy and emotional....uhh... well instead of saying "you are valid" I'll say....you're cool.

"you are valid" sounds too shallow, and lame. wouldn't you rather be cool? I would. dang I hope that wasn't offensive. I mean, not that inherently is, but that just sounds like I'm saying you're cool, but not valid. I men you are but- neverminded. hm lost my thought. uhh something something, hip hip hora?.... something... 20 something?... uhhmmm..... yeah I don't remember. oh well! I just opened text and started writing. I don't even think half of that made sense. hmm. really could have finished that chapter by now.... oh well! couldn't hurt to wait over 20 seconds. Daisy Petals Fall 'CH 2 will be out in more than 20 seconds. :D

#nkotr #fanfiction #idek if I should tag this nkotr #Idek if I should post this.#if you read this upside down you can summon the love of your life #did it work?#no? well that's cause I lied.#uhh.....encouragement?....writing positivity?....#writers block #writing

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secretly-inlovewithher · 2 years ago

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For what it's worth, I think all the signs point to you need to be in this relationship with her. Not because she was once your TC and it'd be cool. But rather, you two have grown and been apart. There's been space in distance and time between you two and BOTH of you, not just you, have always come back to it. If it wasn't meant to be or at least tried, you two wouldn't have found your way back to each other after six years. That's a lot of growing, maturing, and life experience, especially for you to gain. And you've clearly tried other relationships as has she. It sounds like her marriage is in the rocks (and hey, that can happen and be no one's fault. Sometimes the old college try doesn't succeed, but no shame in trying) and you're not exactly fulfilled in yours (again, no blame, no fault. Sometimes, it's simply what happens and things don't work out). I'm not one to subscribe to fate, the universe, or destiny. But I think there is something there that points to what I said. This relationship should be tried because after six years of both of you trying to forget the other (it really sounds like she made a huge effort to do so to do right by her partner and you did right by backing off) something somehow throws you two back together and the feelings haven't changed (seems like they got more intense?)

If it wasn't meant to, at least be tried, one of you would have completely walked away. That happened with me and someone I fell in love deeply with (not a teacher, this friend is roughly same age). We were friends, I fell in love with them but never once thought they felt that way about me so I never pursued it. One day, they got angry at me for something stupid and 7 years ago, that was the last substantive talk we had.

I tried to reach out and apologize and explain how much they meant to me. A couple of times. The last time, I honestly thought there was an honest chance we could be friends and they'd be in my life again only to fall back to getting ignored and not even getting any responses to texts or messages. They walked away (why they humored me by accepting my apology, who knows). And I had to walk away because they made it clear they weren't interested in any kind of friendship. If one of you didn't want this, one of you would have stopped this before it got too far, one of you would have had their feelings change after six years, one of you would have severed all contact. It seems like you two tried and... well... you're here now. But I'm just some rando on the internet that once had a TC that I also deeply loved.

Whatever you two decide to do, I'm sure it'll be for the best because going back to fate/destiny and how I don't believe it, the best is created not predetermined.

Anyways, I really am sorry for this word vomit, I only recently found this community (literally did not know it existed here) and your updates this year have been... well I'm rooting for you whatever you decide. Strange how we want happiness for strangers we don't know but share a similar experience.

Good luck!

I'm sorry for a late response on this. I started updating again because I just needed to get my feelings out. And this isn't something I'm checking often.

but wow, thank you for this message. I agree, it's hard not to feel like this is fated. For us to have so many years apart. For her to want to stay committed to her wife, but to still have these feelings for me. For me to try to let go, and still think of her. For us to come back together several times and also doing essentially no contact for those 6 years and still feel the same as we did before, and you're right, if not more intensely than before. It feels like it was suppose to play out this way. Why do we keep coming back together after trying to do everything we can to stay apart. Why do we both feel so deeply when our relationship was completely platonic before. Why is it so hard for us to let the other person go. And why am I so fucking scared to try. I gave her the option today to walk away, and she took it. I don't know if I'll hear from her again. I know I need the time to figure out what I want, but it hurts to know that she just said yes and walked away.

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience, and as you know, I know how it feels! So I can totally understand. My only advice is to continue to work on yourself and go through that healing and learning journey. You may never stop thinking about them, but you can still appreciate all the good times you had with them. Know that everything happens for a reason, and what's meant to be will be! It will all work out as planned for you. ❤️

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snowy-equinox · 1 year ago

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I feel like being an empath is not something you should want anyway. It's emotionally draining just trying to be support for people, I can't even imagine how much worse it would be if you literally felt their pain (which is what being an empath ACTUALLY is supposed to be, it is not just "knowing how someone feels"). And the way people talk about being an empath like it's their job, like they have to be on call 24/7 for any friend or internet stranger they come across. I'm sorry, but that's not healthy and you need to learn boundaries. And maybe get to the root of that mindset.

Hey this might be a super weird question but I recently discovered your blog and you tend to debunk a lot of things. Here I go though. Why is the term empath such a bad term to use? Genuine question. I’ve googled it and looked into it but I don’t see anything too bad about it? Sure there’s the occasional person who identifies as such whos god awful but that’s not everyone. If there is something out there that explains it’s a horrible term PLEASE tell me I’d like to know. Is it genuinely something bad or something that people online view as bad. I don’t want to be associated or associate with a label that’s genuinely toxic if so. It’s good to know what to avoid

*calling out the back door* MAW! MAW, I MADE IT! ANONS ON THE INTERNET ARE ASKING ME QUESTIONS, MAW!

Ahem. Anyway. Here's the thing. The vast majority of people I've interacted with who use the term "empath" are trying to use it for social control - either emotional manipulation or to brush off actual mental health concerns someone might have.

Most of the time, I find that "symptoms" of being an empath are either a) trauma responses created to pick up on minute emotional ticks of those around us to avoid further trauma, or b) literally just being overstimulated. Personally, I have yet to find someone who falls under the label of "empath" who didn't fall under one of these two, and I'm surrounded by people who are "empaths".

(There are also the "empaths" who weaponize it against low-empathy or no-empathy people, which is its own form of fucked up ableism, especially against autistic folks.)

It's not that the term is inherently bad, it's that it's used by people to fulfill their own agendas, ya feel? Empathy, sympathy, and compassion are all normal human things, it doesn't have to be a magical woo-woo thing and a person isn't inherently shitty for not having it.

I'll slam-dunk this onto the dashboard for any and all additions, because I'm several hours late to my shower. If you want other people's insight, you can check the notes/reblogs but also my empath tag, because I've gathered a menagerie of different takes on the subject.

I hope this helps in some way, anon!

~Jasper

#empath #witch

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6-022-10-23 · 3 years ago

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fanfic recommendations

i have a tag dedicated to all the fics i have read here, on Tumblr, which i liked a lot. but i also wanted to make a post of fic recs for those which i read on Ao3. now they can be one-shots, short fanfics or a long fanfics. some could also be cross posted, both here and Ao3 which i may or may not be aware of.

this is my way of spreading and appreciating the works and supporting the authors that have written these gems as well as being able to help some of you find good fics you might not have read before, or maybe, reminding you of those fics you might have forgotten.

note: this would keep on updating so if you are interested you should recheck this post sometimes. also i'd rb this every time i edit this.

Naruto

cursed by lemony_snickers (Ao3)

cursed by @/lemony-snickers (Tumblr)

gotta thank @/wind-becomes-lightning for this one. i saw her post on the dash and it was a fic rec list too. every time i see a fic that's about someone analysing kakashi's character and story and adding on to it, i read it. that's a rule here. i just love kakashi's character so much. so thanks for this. anyways this is a must read. i promise you.

Jujutsu Kaisen

laws of attraction by enegmatic (Ao3)

i read this story last year and i still remember it in detail to this day. i literally downloaded it in case the author ever takes it off internet. yuuji, coffee shop au, college au, strangers to friends to lovers, mutual pining, fluff. need i say more? this is so sweet and heart warming and heart fluttering. this is so well written and you love to see their relationship grow. it makes you root for them more. also itadori is so fucking adorable in this (he always is) but he is literal golden retriever oh my God sisgdgsgssggs. when i read it again after a kind stranger helped me find it again i didn't read it as an xreader but just for the story and the writing skills.

the great debate by ayyypee (Ao3)

ok this one contains smut so beware. this is an xreader and focuses on the reader's relationship with suguru that starts off as enemies and then, well you have to read to know what happens because it's still updating. i was trying to find some good suguru college au fics and this fits the criteria for me just fine. this is how i imagine suguru and iwnjsbshs this muah love it oh my Goddddddd. this is very well written and the way it grows is chef's kiss. i can't say much because we are only on chapter 8 but give it a shot!

Tokyo Revengers

i've tied my shoelaces to yours nice and tight by shiroizumi (Ao3)

this. this! this is the best tokyo revengers fanfic i have ever read in my life. this is about Draken and his life and how glossed over it is. this is not a romance fic at all. not an xreader too. this has a female!oc. but just please read this, i promise, you won't regret it. this broke my heart, made me actually cry. and also opened my eyes on how in ever happy tokyo rev timeline or story, draken never receives the childhood he deserves. i honestly felt like a jerk for not thinking about it before. but oh my God, author if you ever read this just know, that i love you with all my heart. thank you so much for this masterpiece.

fate & fury by konan_supremacy (Ao3)

i was looking for cute, fluffy mitsuya fics but i landed on this💀. this is still cute and fluffy and steamy mitsuya fic but! this is so much more than that. i read the first chapter and that's it. now i am trapped. every day i wait for an update of this fic (this is still an ongoing fic but it has 68 chapters so go read it!). the story, the writing skills, the great planning of how the story would go, the motives of the reader, the reader itself! oh my God the reader itself. i would have an instant crush on her tbh. but when i tell you, every time the reader and mitsuya interact it gives me goosebumps, shivers, moans. i have never felt that in any fic. fuck. why i find this fic perfect for me is because it has all the headcanons i have in it. this has everything i ever wanted to read about in one single fic. this is a blessing in all honesty.

internship at bonten (wow fun!) by agosu (Ao3)

if you like dangerous men with shady jobs treating you as their own child and acting like you have 7(?) or more fathers then this fic is for you. the dynamics between the reader and all the bonten members is chef's kiss. this is kind of my comfort fic. it is realistic and still not realistic. this is the only bonten fic which is wholesome asf. read the tags carefully before reading.

to second chances. by sukirichi (Ao3)

to second chances. by @/sukirichi (Tumblr)

ok a lot of you do know her so i am thinking this would be quite famous. this story hurt me so bad. but i liked it so much. they way the story flows, the way she makes us feel everything. the way every sentence stabs your heart. this would most probably make you cry. she writes so good though so if you haven't read her works already, check her out!

the way we kill time by uzumaki_rolls (Ao3)

my first time reading a fic with asexual reader and an asexual character. and this was truly very comforting for some reason. every time i read a fic with no smut about ran, my love for him increases ten times. i love him so much, and i loved the way ran was portrayed in this story so much too. also, author, i agree with your end note and i thank you for writing this for us.

Obey me

to be added...

#.fic rec🎀#tokyo revengers x reader #jujustu kaisen x reader #naruto x reader #obey me x reader #.bunny's thoughts💭

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zwoelffarben · 2 years ago

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Hi,

I saw your reblog on the fat-phobia thread and saw you claim to be chronically underweight, which is something i don't hear people talk about because I'm one of those people who has ribs that can be played as a xylophone.

But i feel sad about it.

And seeing you say that being chronically underweight was the worst experience of your life somehow led me to thinking that life must be better if I'm fatter.

I don't even know why I'm writing all this to you i have pending assignments but i just somehow felt comfortable telling you this-

thanks X

I'm always happy when my thoughts on my experience help people, so if I may expound upon them further, I'm pretty sure I've got some flavor of metabolic abnormality where food goes through my body without being fully processed. There's a lot of direct and indirect evidence pointing to that explaination but I've never consulted with a doctor about it, so it's just an observation of how my body appears to work and not a diagnosis.

But in my early life, despite eating twice as much food as everyone else around me, I was just apparently not getting enough real caloric intake for my body to store anything as muscle or fat. As a result:

I was terrible at sports because my body didn't have the energy to build strength or endurence; not matter how much I practiced I did not improve.

I was regularly lethargic, feeling the need for 10~14 hours of sleep or rest a day, which of course I wasn't getting being in a society that expects you to sleep maybe 7-8 hours a day.

I was almost constantly hungry even after eating my meals; and if I ever managed to sate myself, I'd be hungry enough to want to eat again within maybe two hours. I was well-acquanted wit the sensation of slowly starving on a full stomach.

I had no fat anywhere on my body; sure you could see my rib bones and play them like a xylophone, but more importantly, my ass was skin over bone. I could accutely feel the geometry of every seat I sat in; if my ass slid along a metal bleacher my coccyx nestled into the groove like the evergiven in the seuz, and if my ass slid across the metal bleacher, my coccyx hopscotched into every groove while I kept count. It was to say the least, deeply uncomfortable.

I was much more miserable about life back then than I am now, and some of that is owed to the fact that I was a teenager being teenaged. We're pretty much all little balls of angst around that age, but I think my state of being skinner than Death contributed an non-insignificant amount toward making me a particularly pungent ball of angst, yeah?

I'm still a skinny guy, but now I've got some thigh fat, ass fat, belly fat, manboob, and facial fat, and various muscles, and I'm much happier about that being the case than I think I would be if you could still play my ribs like a xylophone.

Anyway, enough about me; let's talk about you.

If I may make a recommendation to you as a stranger on the internet with a degree in creative writing and maths, I'd suggest that if your current weight is making you unhappy or uncomfortable because of how being that weight affects your experience of the world, that you look into having a dicussion with a reputable nutritionist about finding a long-term dietary plan to put and keep on weight, and if you and the nutritionist struggle to find an effective plan to meet your goals, you then look into having a chat with a doctor or specialist about potential underlying causes for your body's demonstrated inability to put on weight.

It's possible that my suggestion isn't something you can do or would want to, since it sounds like a non-zero amount of effort and I don't know if your circumstances even present it as an accessable course of action: I'm just a stranger on the internet with a degree in creative writing and maths.

But, if you're unhappy about how something is affecting you, taking whatever steps you consider practical to addressing the root cause of the unhappiness is generally speaking good praxis. And if I had a do-over with infinite resources I definitely would want to chat with an expert or two about why I could eat two large pizzas and still feel a bit peckish while maintaining my sticc ass despite negative effort.

Food for thought

#fatphobia mention #underweight mention

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whatifxwereyou · 4 years ago

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The Oncoming Storm Part 17: Blackout

Liu Kang x Reader and Kung Lao x Reader (gonna do both, two paths!)

Oh no, you made things complicated. Lol. I'm having more fun writing Kung Lao than should be allowed. Hopefully you guys enjoy! And yes, I know this is tropey but I also don't care LOL, it's a fun trope.

Part 16 Part 18 Chapter Index

The hotel was surprisingly crowded. You weren’t sure what you’d expected but you hadn’t expected it to be bustling with tourists. There was a festival happening, you should have expected this. A bit outdated, the hotel was still clean and inviting. A welcome reprieve from the stone walls of Raiden’s Temple. You’d arrived early and still had to wait in line. Raiden had ‘transported’ you there which had been a wild experience in and of itself. You’d walked into a bolt of lightning and had come out in a quiet alley unseen.

It had been so long since you’d walked amongst the average civilian that it felt straight up bizarre to be walking along the streets of the modest city, especially in your hanfu. It was all you’d had, after all. No one looked at you twice other than to greet you politely. Most of the other folks staying at the hotel for the festival were couples on a romantic getaway which had made it instantly weird to be waiting in line with Kung Lao to check into your respective rooms.

Thankfully, the line moved quickly and once you’d checked in, you dropped off the few belongings you’d brought with you. The room was tiny with a single bed, a desk taking up nearly the rest of the room. Atop the desk was a television and beneath that was an old, ancient mini fridge. It would do well enough. This was the most technology you’d seen in weeks. Afterwards, you’d found Kung Lao and told him that you would meet him in an hour. You’d made note of a clothing store down the road and wanted to see if there was anything worth buying.

He, of course, decided to join you. No one trusted you alone anymore. He didn’t say it like that, but you knew that Raiden had told both him and Liu to keep an eye on you. You felt like a ticking time bomb.

Once at the shop you were disappointed to find that it sold mostly yukatas and kimonos. You supposed it was better than the flowy hanfu. At least you could pick out something that would be your own rather than something that had been handed to you.

Boy, you missed the internet.

You picked out a few pieces that you could work with a bit easier. Most of the hanfu were dresses or long flowy robes. Here you’d been able to find a few women’s kimonos that had hakama pants as an option. You had never been so excited to see pants in your life. You didn’t need the whole kimono, just the pants. Some constricted around the ankles while others were left open. You grabbed both and were extremely pleased.

“Sometimes, you’re a very simple woman.” Kung Lao had patted you on the back when you’d showed him the pants in excitement. You had to agree. In that moment you were very simple. Pants had brought you joy. You’d wandered away from him after that to find a few tops, belts, and jackets. Thankfully, you’d had your wallet on you when this had all begun so you had some money on you. In Raiden’s Temple, money hadn’t been necessary, so you were happy to spend it on the few things you did need.

They weren’t jeans and a t-shirt or even cute dresses, but it felt like a step in the right direction toward feeling like yourself again. You hadn’t realized how much it had bothered you until then.

Kung Lao had purchased just enough for the day in flattering red and black. That seemed to be his aesthetic though you could picture him in blues too for some reason. Then you made your way back to the hotel and to your rooms on the top floor. You had gotten rooms next to each other. You went to get changed and were happy with what you saw even in the half mirror on the desk. You stood on the bed to get a better look. Black hakama pants and a grayish-lavender and black top with a white sash tied around your middle. You then pulled your hair back in a ponytail and admired yourself in the mirror. Even though your hair was a mess you looked much more like yourself.

Your white roots had grown out a couple of inches now. It didn’t look bad, but it definitely didn’t look like it was on purpose either.

Oh well! You jumped off the bed and then left the room to find Kung Lao waiting for you, leaned against the wall next to your door. He had one foot propped against the wall, arms folded across his chest, hat obscuring his face as it often did. The clothing he’d bought wasn’t too terribly different from what he usually wore with the notable exception that he had sleeves which was truly a shame. He tilted his head up just enough to greet you before stepping away from the wall. You hadn’t left him waiting that long and yet he acted as though he’d been there for ages.

You noticed the jade ring from his usual outfit was woven into his outfit with the sash around his waist laced through it. It was kind of sweet that he always seemed to have it on him.

“Is that significant in some way? Special?” You asked, gesturing to the ring. He looked down at the ring in surprise and then nodded down the hall. You walked slowly through the hotel toward the stairwell.

“It’s a relic from my ancestor, the Great Kung Lao.”

“Oh, wow. About that, though… I’ve heard people mention him, but I had never heard the name before you. I know that he’s of some importance which has made you important…”

“I am incredibly important, thank you.”

“Yes, very. Keep talking.”

“He was the first champion of Mortal Kombat who had come from the Shaolin Order of Light. He defeated Shang Tsung and won the tournament.” Kung Lao seemed as though he had told this story a hundred times but was still proud to tell it. It was oddly sweet. “He was champion of Earthrealm for fifty years before the tournament was corrupted and he was killed. Even so, he is held in great reverence. He was a remarkable warrior.”

“Is that why you have a dragon mark?”

“Yes, that is why I have the mark. It’s also why I was sent away so young. I’d already been training long before I’d met you. When I left it was because it was time for me to go live at the temple.”

You stopped walking before the stairs and he stopped just in front of you and turned to face you. “Then why were you so bad when we would pretend to fight?”

“I held back. I wanted you to have fun too. Besides, it felt nice to be normal back then.” He laughed and you caught up to him and started down the stairs. “I was thinking that we should come up with a story as to why we’re here.”

“Should we?”

“Obviously. We need a reason to be here.”

“Other than the reason we actually have?”

“And when a bunch of strangers ask you why we’re here, are you going to tell them the real reason we’re here?”

“Point taken.”

“We need a cover.”

“Do we really though? I don’t remember ever having to justify my actions that intensely to strangers before. We can just be visiting.” You jumped down the last two stairs to the landing between flights. Pants felt great. Kung Lao seemed to either be overthinking your trip or grasping at straws to get to some end point. Or he was going to cause trouble. You would never forget the look that both Raiden and Liu had given him on their way out.

“I’ve been asked three times what brings me to Mount Osore during the festival. I came up with a lie on the spot but I’m no terribly proud of it or anything.”

“And what is this lie you came up with?”

“I said I was here on a date. Everyone else seems to be here on a date, so it was the first thing that jumped to mind.”

You rolled your eyes at him and he laughed in surprise, waiting for you at the bottom of the stairs. You caught up to him. “Really, Kung Lao?”

“What? It’s the first thing I could think of! The people asking me were on a date and so I stuttered that I was too.”

“Kung Lao, no.”

“Come on, Y/N.”

“Can’t we just say we’re visiting and that it’s no one’s business?” You walked into the lobby and he hurried in front of you and took your hands, clasping them between his. You sighed. “Would you…” The lobby was very crowded.

“I hate you so much right now.”

“Would you,” he continued, talking over you, “do me the honor of going on a cute little pretend date with me so that we can sneak into an ancient Buddhist Temple built within the caldera of a volcano so that we can uncover an ancient and possibly cursed artifact together?” You stared at him in disbelief, but it was taking every ounce of your energy not to burst into laughter. He was such a dork. “I will get down on my knees and ask you again if you don’t answer me.” He got down on his knees and you broke. Laughing, you pulled your hands free, grabbed his arms and tugged.

“Oh my god, get up, Kung Lao.”

“It’s a great cover, Y/N.”

“It is an exactly okay cover. But fine. I haven’t done something terribly embarrassing in a while, so I guess I’m overdue for this.” You agreed at least. He was right. It was a good cover considering this whole place was filled with couples. Besides, if it got Kung Lao to drop the subject then you would be happy to agree. The whole display had made your cheeks burn.

“Embarrassing, huh? Come on, Y/N. It’s not such a bad thing, is it? Could be worse looking guys to end up with, right?” He walked at your side again, making a teasing kissy face and leaning close to you. You leaned away with an awkward and nervous laugh.

“If you keep doing things like that then you are going to get smacked.”

“Worth it.” He held the door open for you and together you left the hotel. Outside a bus waited to take tourists to the shrine for the festival. People were already loading onto it. Kung Lao offered you his hand and you looked to him skeptically. He grabbed your hand anyway and then you walked onto the bus. “You’re going to have to get better at pretending.” You found seats near the back of the bus and even as you sat, he didn’t let go of your hand. You felt incredibly silly. Yet, it also made your heart flutter. As much as you had given him a hard time, you also happened to think it was an incredibly sweet and kind of wholesome idea.

Funny enough, you had thought of this moment before but in a much different context. Maybe in a life where your childhood together hadn’t ended so traumatically. Where you’d stayed close friends and he’d have asked you out when you were old enough. In a way, you felt like a silly schoolgirl, something you hadn’t felt in years.

If he hadn’t died then this was exactly where you would have wound up. Somehow that made you feel much less silly and you finally relaxed. Kung Lao pointed out several interesting things on the side of the road through the window and you listened to him chatter on until the bus was pulling up to the shrine. You waited for the others to get off the bus and then you walked ahead of Kung Lao and stepped off it.

The shrine was huge and it took your breath away.

So much so that it made you dizzy.

A river flowed before you then beneath a red bridge. To the left of the bridge there was a white beach lining the bluest and most artificial-looking water that you had ever seen in your life. Rocks were piled alongside the shore in strange formations. Beyond the bridge there was a stone path that led to the shrine in the distance, and it was lined with old lanterns. You walked to the edge of the stone path where the bus had dropped you off to try and get a better look at the water.

That was a teal color you had never seen before in nature. In your mind’s eye, you recalled your vision and it made your stomach drop. You took a step further and were suddenly grasped around the waist and pulled away from the edge of the stone. Then Kung Lao looped his arm in yours. “You looking to take a dip?”

You hadn’t realized that you had almost walked right into the river. You hadn’t been thinking. The water had bewitched you, it seemed. You needed to get a closer look at it but now that you’d been turned away from it, the feeling had gone. From there you could smell the acidity in the humid air. That was likely why it was so blue. “Pay more attention, okay?”

You weren’t sure what to say to him. It was surreal being there. This place was exactly the same as it had been in your vision but also years, possibly centuries had passed since then. The shrine buildings themselves were much larger than they had been then. They were even a different color. Your head was spinning as you tried to take in everything at once. It was an overload. You grabbed Kung Lao’s arm to try and ground yourself. You felt as though you were floating and the wind would take you away.

Kung Lao led you onto the bridge and at its apex you sat and watched the water trickle beneath it. He helped you lean your elbows against the railing and then placed a supportive hand on your back.

“It’s okay. Take a second.” He seemed to realize that you were having a difficult time. How could you explain that you were struggling to wrap your mind around being in a place where you’d had such a vivid and violent vision? You were grateful for him. Your heart was racing and you watched the water flowing beneath the bridge, over the rocks. Your stomach had dropped. It felt as though you were intimately familiar with this place, as though you had spent years there, but you had never once seen it before. At the same time, everything felt completely new. Your brain was waging war with itself. “You okay?”

“Yeah, this is just… surreal.” You were finally able to collect your thoughts enough to talk.

“You went a bit gray. Figured you needed a minute.”

“I appreciate it.”

“So, where do we go?”

“There’s a well inside one of those buildings.” You nodded to your right where the shrine was at the end of the stone path.

“Vague, but okay.” He peered to the right and then pointed. “It’s off limits.” From there you could see a series of ropes that blocked off the building from visitors. “Great.”

“It’s crowded enough here. I’m sure we can sneak in just fine.”

“Of course.” He leaned next to you on his forearms, hands clasped together. “This place is a little spooky.”

“It is. I read a brochure from the hotel lobby. The monks here believe that it’s the gateway to hell. The river beneath us is supposed to represent the Sanzu.” You pointed below you. It was a little spooky, you supposed, but it was also incredibly beautiful.

“I read about that. I also read that there are holy water bathhouses and volcanic cauldrons with crazy colored water.”

“Yeah, and a lake of blood.”

“I hate that, Y/N.” He stuck his tongue out at the idea. You laughed. He was too funny. He had this way of making you feel at least even about the big and often uncomfortable things sometimes. Other times he drove your anxiety through the roof. Thankfully, this wasn’t one of those moments. “What do you say that we get to sneaking in and find this thing so that we can have a bit of fun for the rest of the day, huh?”

“That sounds nice.”

He took your hand once again and you walked over the bridge and along the stone path. The lanterns were decorated for the festival along with the rest of the shrine. Monks walked about, greeting visitors and answering questions while explaining various attractions. Most visitors, and there were many, were straying from the temple in favor of the white sands or the volcanic cauldrons. You and Kung Lao walked until you reached the ropes before the shrine. You stood there for a time in the shade, waiting for your moment to sneak in unseen.

“Coast is clear,” you whispered and turned to keep watch while Kung Lao snuck into the shrine. Once inside, you waited for your opportunity and followed him. Inside, the building was ancient but to you it seemed oddly brand new. It wasn’t the same shrine that you remembered from your vision. Much had changed since that wicked man had been there.

No one was waiting for you inside the small entryway or in the room beyond. That seemed like the central room, with space for prayer and a dip in the center for dining. The floor was lined with tatami mats and the ceiling was high, windows on the second floor spattering sunlight throughout the room. Halls branched off in each direction and you suddenly felt overwhelmed with choice. It had seemed so much simpler in your vision.

“Lead the way but be cautious. We’re not alone.” Kung Lao spoke in a hushed tone, staying close to you but alert.

“Yeah.” You started through the room and down the closest hallway, checking to see if it was empty first. Kung Lao took your hand and you urged him along with you. Your stomach was in knots and his hand there continued to keep you grounded. Several times you encountered monks going about their business and you had to duck into other rooms or sneak back around corners. You somehow managed to remain unseen, having to huddle together in strange spaces and hide in enclosed areas. It would have been fun had it not been so damn frustrating.

None of it made sense! As you turned down another hall, you sighed in frustration. You’d wound up there twice already. Your gut kept sending you there and back to the central room but there was no indication that it was the same place that the vision had taken place in. Kung Lao suddenly pulled you back into the side room and held you against the wall near the door. There were footsteps in the hall, and you held your breath until they had passed. You made to go back into the hall, but Kung Lao pinned you in place.

“You’re leading us in circles.”

“I know. It’s hard to explain. It’s like someone’s moving everything around while we’re walking. It doesn’t make any sense. I think I’m going one way and then we’re back to where we started.” It was making you sick to your stomach, as a matter of fact.

“You can do this. Just focus.”

“Kung Lao, you have no idea what’s going on in my head right now. I am focusing.”

“You’re right I don’t. So, tell me.”

“I’m not sure that I have the words to explain that the room we’re looking for should be right around the corner but then it isn’t.” It really was disorienting to expect to be in one place and end up in another. “It shouldn’t have been this far back but also this place is ten times bigger than it had been in my vision.”

“I need you to try still.”

You were mixed up. It was like someone was moving rooms in your head and before you knew it, you had once again led him back into the central room which made both you and Kung Lao groan in annoyance.

“Oh good. We’re back. I was worried.”

“It should be right here, but everything looks so different!”

“It’s okay, Y/N. We’ll figure it out.”

“It’s not okay, Kung Lao. It should be right here. I wish I could just show you.” The frustration was radiating off you, you were sure. “I can’t-”

“Is someone there?” A voice from somewhere down the hall called and footsteps approached from a distance.

“Fu…” Kung Lao whispered and then grabbed you and searched for somewhere to hide. The closest hall was too far. You were caught. “Don’t panic.” He urged you to the wall with surprising care and you made a sound of surprise. What did he mean don’t panic? You were instantly panicking. Don’t panic? What was wrong with him? He leaned against you and tilted your chin up and his head toward you like he was going to kiss you, obscuring you both with his hat. “Act natural, Y/N.” His lips brushed against your cheek, just next to your lips. “I swear, you’re terrible at this.” You were stiff as a board, so he had every right to scold you, but also he was pretending to kiss you so what the hell were you supposed to do with that? What was natural in this case?

You gave him a swift but soft punch in the gut and he laughed against your cheek in return. That made you feel a bit better. He lifted his head just enough and you peered toward the door nearby, waiting for the monk that would inevitably kick you out. You could have had time to hide at this rate. Kung Lao’s lips were pressed against your cheek and they were soft even if it was just in a mock kiss close enough to your lips to look like you were sneaking a private moment.

You peered around the corner, thinking maybe you were in the clear. Kung Lao did the same and when you turned back to tell him that maybe the monk had decided to turn away, you found him extremely close to you. Intimately so. His dark eyes were serious and that always scared you for whatever reason. He tilted your chin toward him and all other thoughts slipped out of your brain.

What were you doing there? Where were you anyway? And why? Did it matter?

Not right now it didn’t.

His hand was on your chin, thumb brushing just below your lip, urging your lips to part just enough. You dared not breathe to break the tension of the moment. The sneaking and searching were gone completely from your thoughts. All that was left was the boy that you’d so admired in your youth grown into a handsome man with his hand against the wall at your side, the other inextricably lost below your lower lip.

His eyes were searching you, but you dared not look back into them for fear of what you might find, for fear of what it might reveal to you. His breath warmed your lips before they were on yours, parting them like a blossom in a soft and singular tender movement. A far superior kiss than the one he’d pretended to give you for the sake of saving your skin.

His lips were sweet. Not like sugar or candy, but sweet like the lingering taste of honey at the bottom of a cup of tea. It was a feeling of sweetness rather than a flavor. The moment was still and soft, his lips treasuring yours as though they were something sacred and special. They pulled back just enough from yours that you could feel your lips resisting to part as if they had minds of their own. His eyes were searching you still for answers and in wonder, but you didn’t dare meet them. Yet, you could feel his gaze and beneath your fingertips, that had betrayed you and now rested on his chest, you could feel his heart beating almost as hard as yours.

His breath graced your lips again, but you dared not breathe. You wanted to say something, even just a whisper of his name, but no words would come and you sat there, lips parted in waiting, avoiding his eyes, hand clutching the cloth at his chest, unsure of where you even were or why. This was Kung Lao.

Your Kung Lao.

A soft sigh escaped his lips as they were on yours again, but the softness was gone, though there was something about them that was still sweet even so. The force of his kiss pressed you against the wall, leaving you no escape- not that you wanted to escape. This was a moment that the ten-year-old inside your head had both longed for and not understood. You would have been a fool not to return his kiss, to taste and experience his lips the way that he was with yours and so you did. You kissed him and it was like a storm inside you beyond your control, building with electricity with every moment that passed.

There was a tender moment of acceptance where it felt as though time stood still. The soft moment faded quickly to frenzied desperation. There was no space left between you. Kung Lao was pressed against you, body warm and strong, hat nearly pushed back off of his head as he favored kisses over his possessions. Your hands moved up his chest, to the sides of his neck, fingertips then tangling in the short, messy tendrils of his hair at the base of his hairline. Your heart was doing flips, brain completely turned off to anything that had happened before this, even if somewhere in the distant reaches of your mind you could hear your instincts telling you that you had to stop. Whatever muting effect had been triggered in your brain had seemed to impact Kung Lao as well.

In one swift motion, fluid and strong, his hands were at your thighs and he had lifted you and pressed you against the wall, urging your legs to wrap around him. Your arms slipped naturally around his shoulders, pulling him closer between hot and increasingly sloppy kisses.

“Excuse me?”

Ah, yes. The monk. That was right.

You stopped kissing him.

Kung Lao’s lips finally pulled from yours and you could feel that your own were left slightly swollen from the desperation and passion of those precious few moments. When had you gotten so tangled up in each other? His chest was rising and falling against yours quickly and even though he’d pulled back his lips lingered close to yours as if to consider defying the monk further.

“My apologies.” The monk sounded embarrassed and bowed multiple times. “This area is closed to the public for the festival.”

You finally managed to regain your thoughts and untangled yourself from Kung Lao. You placed your feet on the ground and cleared your throat though your face was likely as red as his robes. He released you from his grip though he made no effort to step away. You swallowed the lump in the back of your throat and forced your brain to work.

“Is it?” You sounded surprised and were grateful that you had. You hadn’t expected to be a very good actor after all that, but you had been surprised to be interrupted and also confused as to where your mind had gone. It was more feigning innocence than lying. The monk nodded and looked as though he sincerely felt bad for interrupting you. “I’m sorry. We had no idea.”

“It’s no worries. I will happily escort you back to the festivities. Follow me.”

“Sorry about that.” Kung Lao, who you had never seen at a loss for words, seemed to finally regain himself. Just like that, he was back to the goof he’d been when you’d first arrived. “We were just sneaking off to have a private moment. Didn’t realize it was off limits.”

“It happens all the time. You’d be surprised.” The monk led you back through the central room and into the entryway. You elbowed Kung Lao as you followed the monk and he laughed beneath his breath. Once outside the monk bowed to you and then left you alone. You leaned your head back and stared into the sunny blue sky with a sigh. You needed a new plan. That one had gone off the rails in a way you hadn’t expected.

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