Yeah, so while I was on my "I'm going to read into Vanny/Vanessa as much as possible" journey, I noticed an odd quirk in her animations in how she moves. At first, I thought it reminded me of a ballerina, 'cause she's kinda tip-toeing, & she has this way of keeping her head & chest in one place as she moves, but I looked again & realized --
That's not ballet! She's doing a tight-rope act. Like, look at this one:
This is like standing up on the wooden boards before you do the actual tight-rope walking, & the ring leader is hyping you up as you do some fun movement for the crowds. &, then, these:
These are all instances where she walks with one foot directly in front of the other. In that third, she's doing the "woaaah" wiggly-ass balance movements & everything, as if she's swaying up at the top of the tent, even though she's down on solid ground.
Idk, I feel like the way her feet are placed isn't accurate (pretty sure they should be pointed left & right, not both forwards...) doesn't make this 100% correct, but I like it. It also connects back with her first SB teaser, wherein she's up in the rafters.
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Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.
I don't have external meltdowns.
I could. I don't let it happen.
I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.
So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.
She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.
Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].
It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.
They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.
I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.
I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.
I couldn't understand what made her like this.
But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.
If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.
And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*
And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?
My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.
Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???
And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.
I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*
She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.
I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.
So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.
But I told her hundreds of times.
I probably should have just screamed at her.
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cw:: weed
getting high with tighnari...
he's a lot more chill than you might think. still talks about plants (a lot) but starts going into shit like their 'evolutionary mechanisms':
"...like, don't you think it's fascinating that flowers have faces? if you look at them? like...really look at them?"
you look at the flowerhead that he twirls slow between his fingers while conjuring images of other blossoms in your mind. "whoa."
"i know right? some orchids have even evolved to look like what their pollinators find attractive. the dendrophylax lindenii, for example, can only be pollinated by the sphinx moth, which is part of the reason why it's an endangered species...that, and poaching. that's why i do what i do. only a relative few will ever see a live ghost orchid and i want to be part of the reason more people do. because they're beautiful and mysterious. like you."
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hello, I just followed for your orctober stuff and scrolled through some of your blog and wanted to ask, what is guild wars 2?
OOOH BOY HERE I GO! ahem.
Guild Wars 2 is a high fantasy MMO, similar to maybe Final Fantasy Online. Guid Wars as a series is about as old as World of Warcraft, but has a much smaller fanbase; mostly because the company behind it, ArenaNet, seems to be allergic to advertisements (it's gotten better since the last two expansions).
These days, the core game is free, with only the expansions costing money. Well, some expansions, as they just throw in older expacs for free now. Even if you start with a free account, you can technically buy an upgrade by just... using ingame currency, which is a WILD concept to me.
Most notable features of the game are probably the character customization, free dyeing of armor, and a few thousand unique armor and weapon skins. Players often joke that the true endgame of GW2 is fashion (and they are RIGHT goddamnit).
All five playable races are so ridiculously detailed in lore and design, it's incredible. Sylvari for example are not plain elves, they are full on plant constructs that grow from fruits on the mother tree. Asura are not just gnomes/goblins, they are a highly educated society of geniuses that would openly strive for world domination if it werent for their inherent bureaucratic tendencies.
The mounts in GW2 are among the best you will find anywhere, so much that World of Warcraft just copied some for their Dragonflight expansion.
Guild Wars 2 has a medium sized active player base, smaller than WoW or FFXIV, but they are an amazing community. We have veteran players, including me, who routinely patrol the starter maps to offer advice and maybe some healing to newbies (supported by the ingame mentor system). You might receive random mail from players gifting some cake. There's festivals, community parties, role playing, fashion contests, races and minigames.
If you are a seasoned MMO player, GW2 offers raids and the smaller strike system, which is being constantly expanded. Extreme MMO experts might find the game a bit flat, but that's only superficial. For beginners, I'd say the story is beatifully written. You can explore the open world, meeting players along the way (every map holds around 50-80 player at a time).
You can choose any class and complete any content, including endgame. Any class, any race, (almost) any playstyle is viable, and nothing about your build is permanent, you can adjust your whole build on the fly.
Aside from the obvious MMO parts, GW2 also has structured PvP (5 vs 5 players) and the so called World vs World, which is a large scale week-long epic battle of three teams of around 50 players on each side (which btw is not as draining on the CPU as you'd think)
If you plan on giving it a try, I'd be more than happy to give you a more detailed overview of the game. This little chaotic hellhole of an MMO is very dear to my heart <3
This is by the way for ANYONE reading this: If any of you want to try the game, hit me up. DM me here on tumblr, or on discord (@ achromant).
Even if you already play the game and are still new or just lost - ask me anything you want. I have close to 18k ingame hours.
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modern wolfstar but sirius is a scam tarot reader at small town fairs (he got the cards from a thrift store for a few pounds, watched one video on how to read them and he decided it's his best shot at making some money to survive). cue the fair where he's working ends up in a small town from wales where, lo and behold, he keeps pulling the moon and the death card for everyone. a small child that can't be older than 5? they get the death card. an old lady who wanted to know how her tomatoes will do this summer? death.
now, sirius does know that the death card means new beginnings and it's not as bad as it seems but everyone just starts calling him names and his clientele lessens by the day because everyone finds out about his cards and how he's the bringer of death (literally no one died since he got there so he finds the new nickname a bit overkill).
he's too worried about his scamming abilities though. he just can't shake the weird feeling he gets when he pulls moon out again, even after he takes the damn card out of his pack because he's sick of seeing it (he leaves the death card in because he does find it funny)
but then, on the night before the full moon, when he's just getting ready to pack his cards and cheap props and call it a day, a farmer comes to get a reading. he's still in his overalls because he came straight from the farm here to check out the card reader who the villagers keep saying is predicting deaths on the full moon to see what the fuss is about.
sirius is smitten as soon as the farmer opens his mouth, but imagine his surprise when he hears that he's been slowly making people fear him again, after he just convinced them that he's a kind guy. and imagine his bigger surprise when the cute farmer with hay stuck in his hair and mud on his overalls tells him he's a werewolf.
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