#that phrase is like. a really good definition of him. i cannot believe i am saying this but its a really big part of his character

[coern]

oh this is awful. and also a really good character point write that down Write That Shit Down

[the-self-indulgent-corner]

Genshin characters x a reader with ADHD!

Summary: Your ADHD is odd, however, your (boy)friend is just as strange, so you think it evens out.

Or, how the genshin characters react to a reader with ADHD. (Ft some lesser known aspects of ADHD)

Featuring: Tighnari, Venti, Xiao & Albedo. Can be read as romantic or platonic.

A/n: it's frankly criminal how few neurodivergent reader content there is out there so here I am.

Disclaimer!! While I do have ADHD nobody’s ADHD is the same, so what might be common for me is something another person has never experienced.

Also I drop some lesser known aspects of ADHD in this post so here’s a general index of what those terms mean. It’s a lot more nuanced than what I’ve written down here but it’ll give you a general idea of the concept!

Index:

Executive dysfunction/ADHD paralysis: Wanting to do your job/work, but it feels like you’re physically unable to.

Food sensory issues/selective eating habits: A lot of people with ADHD are ‘picky eaters’ and refuse to eat certain foods even if it's good for them. Usually we pick foods with high sugar since it causes a ‘dopamine surge’.

Auditory processing disorder (APD): Having difficulty making out what someone is saying or processing what someone said too slowly.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): Being much more sensitive to rejection or perceived rejection.

Verbal stim: Exactly the same as other stims (Like bouncing your leg or clicking a pen) but just with words. Usually being a certain phrase, sentence, or humming. Although any vocalization can be a verbal stim.

Tighnari

Probably the most knowledgeable about this out of everyone on this list.

He knows it's not just 'lose your focus fast' and that ADHD is a lot more nuanced than that but at the same time he isn't an expert on it.

You'll have to explain some things to him, and knowing Tighnari, he'd happily let you tell him.

Mf takes notes. If he gets too excited and overwhelmes you tell him so he'll calm down a little lmao

Downside of him knowing a lot about (your) ADHD is that he knows when you need to cut back on some things.

If you're a very picky eater like me and don't like the taste/texture of healthy food he will literally not allow it LMAO

You'll be eating an excessive amount of sugar and he'll literally snatch whatever is in your hands and tell you to eat something healthy instead. And no, you cannot convince him to give it back to you until further notice.

If you hate the texture of actual healthy food he’ll definitely find an alternative for you to eat no matter how long it takes. You are not getting out of this.

In the nicest way possible… Tighnari is probably a little annoyed about your ADHD sometimes 💀💀💀

He never blames you or gets mad at you because he knows it's not your fault when this does or doesn't happen but he's still a bit miffed about it lmao.

Like when your auditory processing disorder suddenly kicks in and you make him repeat himself ten times. Or how you space out during his lectures.

However, Tighnari is smart so he'd definitely find a way to gain your attention so when he tells you things you can actually pay attention.

He's pretty good at wrangling your executive dysfunction, too (he's used to Collei having similar problems when he's tutoring her). He believes in the work/reward system and he always knows what'll make you actually get up to do what you're supposed to.

Usually by using your current hyper fixation/interests against you LMAO

"Do that assignment/task and I'll take you out to get that merch you've been wanting for over a month."

"YOU WILL!?"

(If you like soft things like his ears, he would absolutely use it as bait for you to do your work also LMAO)

But if it's a really rough day he knows when to dial back on his constant nagging for you to do your work and encourages you to take it easy for the day.

If you're like me and forget things semi-regularly he'd always remind you. Especially if it's an outing/meeting with someone.

(Although, if you're the type of person to get annoyed by it he'll stop/dial it back if you ask.)

You 🤝 Tighnari

Can be overstimulated by loud noises easier than others.

Seriously though you both are at a loud party or something and look over to each other giving each other the 'why are we here? Just to suffer'? Look.

But if either of you are about to/are overstimulated you leave the area with each other to calm down. It's sweet 💖

He was originally a bit annoyed by how easily your mind wandered or how quickly you jumped from topic to topic but got used to it after a while. It even grew on him, he finds it endearing nowadays.

Always loves to hear you talk about your hyper fixation, seeing you so happy makes him happy too.

(And you best believe you'll be listening to that boy's flower talk. You think you know more than most rangers about the flora in Teyvat than they do. He's cute though, and you love hearing him talk about it as well, so really it's a win-win scenario.)

Mean this in the nicest way possible, but.. Tighnari is probably going to make you feel really bad once or twice on accident LMAO

With this tough love nature and your Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria you sometimes can't tell when he's being sarcastic/playful and/or he didn't mean what he said (or simply didn't understand.)

He almost always realizes right away and reassures you he meant no harm, and you believe him, but you're understandably still a bit upset LOL

He always makes it up to you, though <3

And if you ever get mad at yourself about how easily you get upset he's always there to reassure you that it's okay and you shouldn't bash your emotions like that, even if they're irrational.

He's your free therapist /j

Was originally confused when you started verbally stimming around him before you explained that to him as well. As long as it's not unexpectedly loud, he doesn't mind it and if you ever stop for a long period of time he def gets a bit upset 💀 like 'why'd you stop?? Did something happen??'

And if you stim in a way that hurts you he definitely puts a stop to it right away. Usually by offering you alternative ways to stim in ways that don't make you hurt yourself.

He is your mom (boy)friend <3

“I knew it. This place is way too loud for you as well, isn't it? C'mon, let's go out for a bit.”

Venti

"Oh you mean like the thing where you can't sit still?"

Hit him.

But really, Venti doesn’t quite understand what ADHD is all that much. He’s heard the term before but never really cared to figure out what it means. You’ll have to educate him on it before he understands.

Honestly he’s kind of surprised at how much more there is to ADHD than he originally thought. Like damn your brain works against you like that?? You deal with that DAILY?? Damn bitch you live like this? /lh

… But also he unironically kind of finds it funny.

“I can’t believe your brain will go to such lengths to not do work just because it doesn’t like it.”

“Shut up.”

Sorry, but Venti is a tease at heart and he cannot hold himself back. Although, if he sees you genuinely upset by what he said he’ll apologize.

Despite that Venti is actually really good at helping you if you need it. He never gets annoyed if he has to repeat himself a dozen times or if he has to help you get something done, or if he has to calm you down for any reason.

If your ADHD is keeping you from falling asleep Venti always offers to sing you to sleep, it’s up to you if you decide to accept or not. (He’ll be very pouty if you decline though lol)

If you're like me and have lost items right in front of you (once I lost an item I was looking for for a good fifteen minutes. It was in my hand.) Venti can and will tease you about this.

"Hmm~ I don't know… Where did you see it last?" You could basically hear the laugh in his voice.

Once you do find it in a really obvious spot he will then laugh out loud. Just joke about breaking up with/leaving him and he'll quickly be on his knees apologizing

If one of your vocal stims is humming/singing anytime Venti catches wind of it he's definitely singing along with you. It turns into a karaoke in seconds and you're both laughing and smiling by the end of it.

He’s surprisingly one of the most understanding people on this list. No matter what, he'll always be there for you and somehow always knows how to help. You asked him about that and he said,

“Well, a magician can never reveal their secrets.”

“You’re not a magician, though. You’re a bard.”

“Then how is it that I stole your heart?”

Hit him again /j

Although there is one aspect he’s not great at steering you away from only because he’s also bad at steering himself away from it.

Impulsive tendencies.

Did you impulsively buy something? What a coincidence. Venti did something similar just seconds ago. Did you leave the group you were with because something caught your eye? Venti is right beside you, also looking for whatever caught your attention. Did you say something without really thinking about it? Venti just did the same somewhere across the room.

You guys are almost in sync for impulsive decision making no matter how far apart you two may or may not be.

On multiple occasions you’ve both run to each other in a panic after you both impulsively did something you shouldn’t have.

“Venti, help! I just entered a competition I know nothing about and it starts tomorrow afternoon!”

“Y/n, help! I just promised I’d do something I definitely shouldn’t!”

You both look at each other in panic and internally scream.

Xiao

Unlike Venti, Xiao hasn’t the slightest clue what ADHD is. He literally has no concept of mental disabilities and genuinely just thought some people had a harder time with things, not that their brain is wired differently.

Before you tell him he’ll see you stimming sometimes or notice you say certain words or phrases multiple times and just shrugs it off as ‘human things’. Same could be said for most of your ADHD shenanigans.

It was a blessing and a curse since he wouldn’t judge you for any of them, however if something like your executive dysfunction kicked in he’d probably think you’re being lazy 💀💀

You’d have to have a long sit-down talk about your ADHD and everything that goes on with it before he understands and can help you with it.

Even if you’re like me and your explanation skills are about as clear as muddy water he’d likely at least get the gist of it.

Now listen, Xiao is a harsh person by nature but once you tell him about your rejection sensitive dysphoria and what it means he’s probably looking back on anytime he was even slightly mean to you and worrying about if he accidentally hurt you.

Reassure him that even if he did hurt you, it’s in the past now and he knows to do better now.

Boy is much softer to you after that talk, even if he won’t admit it. He's the one least likely to accidentally hurt you with words out of everyone.

Xiao didn’t- and frankly, still kinda doesn’t- know a lot about humans before he met you, so he’s learning as he goes. Which means that at the beginning he’s going to be really awkward with comforting/helping you.

He’s trying though! And if you tell him how to help either before or after something like your executive dysfunction starts acting up, he’ll… still be a little awkward, if i’m being honest, but it helps much more than before you told him anything. The more he gets used to your ADHD the easier it’ll be for him to help you with it.

It becomes easier over time for both of you and Xiao slowly grows a ‘sixth sense’ if something is wrong.

Forgot something at the house? Xiao is already handing it to you as you turn around to go and grab it. Impulsive did something you probably shouldn’t have? Xiao is suddenly there to calm you down and do damage control. Your brain suddenly refusing to process what someone said? Xiao breaks down what they said so you can fully process it.

Seriously, bring him grocery shopping with you. He'll remember things you didn't even put on the list.

You wonder how Xiao got this power and Xiao also wonders how he got this power but he isn’t complaining. If he can help you in any way, he will.

"Hey, you forgot your lunch. I don't want you going hungry while I'm gone..."

Tease him about how he's acting like a caregiver and watch him turn red.

Albedo

He didn't know much about ADHD before he met you if he was being honest.

He knew more than Venti and Xiao but less than Tighnari, so you won't have to explain as much as you did with the previous two!

He finds it very intriguing, although he is the chief alchemist and human psychology has little to nothing to do with that, he finds himself listening to everything you have to say about it.

He knew humans learned in different ways but he didn't know how nuanced all of it was.

Just like Tighnari this guy is taking notes, although he's a bit calmer than Tighnari was lmao

"Fascinating. I knew humans were complex creatures, but this is much more nuanced than I originally anticipated."

Just like with Xiao, even if your explanation skills are less than ideal, Albedo still gets what you mean.

Seriously, he will pry every detail that you know about it out of you to the point that the conversation has already passed three hours and neither of you noticed.

He's asking questions you didn't even think of and you've known you've had ADHD for years.

Unfortunately, you often have to disappoint him with the fact that there's not exactly an abundance of information on mental illness/disabilities and that he'd likely have to find out for himself.

Even after that Albedo still asks you questions about your ADHD sometimes which you can either quickly answer or it takes ten minutes of pondering to figure it out.

He waits for you tho <3

You 🤝 Albedo

What the fuck is a social cue

You're usually at least a little better at spotting them than Albedo is, but it's still something you both struggle with 💀💀💀

Difference is that while you may try to apologize, Albedo just doesn't care.

He lives on a cold mountain, it's only natural that he has bad people skills. (He just like me fr fr)

In the nicest way possible the first few times you impulsively make a decision/have Executive dysfunction/etc Albedo will definitely say smthn like, "Oh, so this is what it looks like." 💀

Mf is lucky he's cute.

Afterwards though he'll help in any way he can. Which, of course means, any way alchemy can.

You're surprised at how useful all the things he made for you are, and you're grateful for that man making them for you every day.

All of Albedo's previous note-taking and observations of any bad habits you have because of your ADHD ended up with him being able to handle your bad habits better than you can 💀

Buddy is too smart for his own good.

You're taking notes from him at this point. You'd be a little offended that he knows more about your mental disability than you do but honestly if it helps you manage it better you'll take it with open arms.

While you're in his laboratory he likes hearing about you info dump about your hyper fixation. It's better background noise than the howling winds outside and you look adorable while talking about it. That's a win-win for him.

(Although like Tighnari, you'll also hear about his own experiments. Even if you're not really processing the information Albedo appreciates that you're trying)

If you're more creatively inclined he'll occasionally ask for your help if he's stuck on a project to see if you can think of something he hasn't yet. Even if you don't he says your input helps (translation: he likes hearing your voice and opinions)

Out of everyone on this list he's the least baffled about your odd habits. Man's is so unbothered by everything it's kinda funny.

The only thing he's worried about is when you look after Klee alone… he trusts the both of you to be able to take care of yourselves, but Klee is impulsive by herself. And if you're also impulsive it could lead to tragedy.

"You're aware the acting grand master is trying to stop Klee's habit of fish blasting, correct?"

"Well, maybe the acting grand master should try fish blasting herself! It's not our fault it's so fun!"

You're not allowed to babysit anymore

Ending note: I'm so bad at hcs it's also kinda funny. Ah oh well, at least you can say I tried! Sorry if anyone was ooc but also this is MY blog and I GET TO CHOOSE how to portray characters!!1! Also if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes no there isn't.

I was planning on adding more characters but kinda ran out of steam lmao. Mayhaps I will one day, but for now this is all you get <3 bye~

[nofomogirl]

Metatron's manipulation step by step

Part 8: The offer (alternative versions)

Part 1 - where I discuss the significance of the coffee.

Part 2 - where I take a look back at season 1

Part 3 - from Metatron's arrival on Earth to sending the Archangels away

Part 4 - inside the bookshop after sending the Archangels away

Part 5 - at the table in the street

Part 6 - Inside the bookshop after the ineffable breakup (mostly)

Part 7 - the very last scenes

The breakdown of Metatron's manipulation I've written so far is based on the assumption that what we see is all that happened. I restrained myself completely from looking for any other reasons for Aziraphale's actions than what we were shown on screen. I hope I managed to prove that those reasons were more than enough.

As a side note/summary, I recommend this post. It covers pretty well how I feel about the ending and various interpretations of the ending.

But of course just because it all makes sense on its own doesn't mean I am 100% convinced there couldn't be anything else. Quite the opposite, I think it's very likely there was. That we haven't seen all the important bits.

So today I want to focus on all the oddities. All the little things that stand out to me as strange writing choices in that final sequence, and in some instances entire season.

The first thing that got me thinking, in that initial frenzy of rewatching bits and pieces right after the original watch, was the shot when Aziraphale walks away from Metatron and goes to the bookshop to talk with Crowley.

I'll just quote my own post from several weeks ago:

The news he got is supposed to be "incredibly good". And sure thing, when he talks to Crowley about the possibility of him being an angel again, he gets very emotional. But before that, does he look to you like someone who believes he has incredibly good news? We know excited and happy Aziraphale. It's really rather impossible to miss it when Aziraphale is excited and happy. You'd notice it even if you were in a different room. Aziraphale who gets up from Metatron's table and crosses the street is most decidedly not an excited and happy Aziraphale. Then he doesn't just blurt his incredibly good news out right on a doorstep, as one might expect. No, he starts babbling, and beating about a bush. It might be interpreted as him simply being overwhelmed. But from what we've seen so far, especially in Season 1, it looks more like anxiety to me.

Something was definitely bothering Aziraphale.

Of course, it's entirely possible he was simply conflicted about leaving Earth.

If Aziraphale had to choose between (A) Crowley becoming an angel and (B) Crowley remaining a demon, he would - obviously, because he did - pick A. (No, we will not dive into all of hispossible reasons now!). If Aziraphale had to choose between (A) staying on Earth and (B) going to Heaven, he would - and again, we know because we saw him face that choice - pick A.

It's possible that this complicated thing that Michael Sheen's face does when Aziraphale crosses the street is simply Aziraphale weighing his options. He knows he can't have AA, so he's trying to quickly decide between AB and BA.

(And of course, In a twist of dramatic irony, he ends up with BB in the end.)

But it's also very likely there was another factor besides angel/demon and Earth/Heaven, another choice to be made.

Technically, it could have been another offer, or it could have been a threat, but I think it's not surprising that the common consensus in the fandom is that IF there was something there, it was a threat. I, personally, cannot think of what offer could there be that wasn't actually a threat phrased differently. That of course doesn't mean that Neil Gaiman couldn't think of one, but for now, let's drop it as a dead end.

The first big question is what exactly might have been threatened.

What immediately comes to mind is Earth but I don't think that's very likely. If that was the case Aziraphale would surely bring it up in his argument with Crowley. Especially since Crowley explicitly talks about Heaven possibly destroying life on Earth. No, I don't think Aziraphale is conscious of any imminent danger to Earth and humanity until the very end when Metatron mentions the Second Coming.

That leaves either Aziraphale or Crowley. I can't think of anything else.

The second question is what could either of them be threatened with.

Theory #1: The Book of Life

It's probably the most popular theory, for the very simple and logical reason that the Book of Life is a danger that was explicitly mentioned this season and seems to be left hanging over our heroes' heads.

I'm not going to go into too many details since I've already written a whole separate post on the Book of Life. I'd also like to recommend another that's in a similar spirit by @the-meta-tron.

The gist of it is that The Book of Life very likely doesn't work the way we were led to believe so far and that it almost certainly cannot be used against demons. But the characters don't necessarily know it.

There's one thing I feel I need to share on the topic - for the life of me, I don't know what to make of the scene where Michael threatens Aziraphale to use the Book. This is Aziraphale's face in the short shot we get of him, and... well.

As far as we are aware, this is the first time Aziraphale has heard about the Book of Life this season. (When Archangels came to investigate the miracle in episode 2, they didn't use the threat on him. Michael only informed Beelzebub, who informed Crowley, who we haven't seen inform Aziraphale and it's probably safe to assume that he didn't.)

What is happening in his head at this moment?

Is it blank because of the shock of having something like this thrown at him? I mean, he's a pro at receiving extremely bad news from Heaven, but they were never about him and so openly hostile. Or are there gears turning at lightspeed behind that painfully neutral expression? Could be either and anything in between.

And then there's Crowley.

He's just... lounging. When Aziraphale is threatened with the thing that made Crowley rush to the bookshop in episode 1 to get himself involved in the whole mess he didn't otherwise care about. In fact, he's just there in the background and barely involved pretty much the entire scene.

At first, I overlooked it because there was so much going on otherwise. Then I dismissed it because okay, Crowley isn't really needed in that scene but it would be jarring for him to leave, so letting him wait for his cue outside of frames is a solution of sorts. But that's not really taking the writing team seriously, is it?

This is a conscious choice and there was a reason behind it.

Just like it's the case for Aziraphale, I find it impossible to tell at this point what is going on there. It's either a pose while in reality, Crowley's on high alert, or perhaps he has his reason to believe that there is no real danger right then.

Enters the theory that Crowley had already figured out something at this point, possibly where the Book of Life is and how to get to it, or perhaps he might have even stolen it already.

It's a theory I'm not particularly married to but I find it interesting and not at all unlikely. It would certainly be an interesting twist for Aziraphale to cave under the threat of the Book of Life, while the Book was no longer in Heaven.

Theory #2: Memory wipe

Another disturbing thing we learned about Heaven this season is that it can play with people's memories.

Of course, even before season 2 was confirmed, memory erasure was part of many popular headcanons. But now we know for sure it's possible and a done thing within the canonic universe. What's more, while we can't be sure of the exact range, we know it can be performed remotely.

Of course, now that the Pandora's box is open, the theories just keep multiplying. After all, the options are pretty much endless. What do Aziraphale and Crowley remember, and what have they been made to forget? Are Aziraphale's memories still edited somehow? Did Muriel use to be someone important? How many angels in Heaven have had their entire identities taken from them? Are there things that no angel was allowed to remember perhaps?

Book of Life remains a mystery to be solved, but I feel it would be hard to just drop it into conversation without being too obvious. I don't think Metatron would put all the effort into his manipulation if, in the end, he was going to just blackmail Aziraphale. Memory wipe would be far easier to use as a threat without breaking the carefully crafted illusion that Metatron is a good guy.

It also would make for an interesting parallel between Aziraphale and Gabriel. Both were terrified of forgetting their loved ones but ran from it in opposite directions - one away from Heaven, the other right into it.

Theory #3: Execution 2.0

Another thing that might make a good threat is some form of repetition of Aziraphale and Crowley's execution in season 1.

It didn't work the first time because they swapped bodies, leading Heaven and Hell to believe they'd somehow become immune to elements that should be their doom. They're kind of left alone by their former sides, but Crowley is not wrong in calling their existence fragile. Beelzebub makes it clear they could go after him any moment. Michael, Uriel, and Saraquel obviously feel that Aziraphale is still obligated to report to them, while at the same time, Shax points out he's an outcast with no protection.

If on top of all that it would somehow get out how they really survived their attempted executions, things could get pretty nasty.

If Metatron somehow hinted, no matter how subtly, that he's aware of what actually happened, that he knows there's no mysterious immunity, but of course secrets of Supreme Archangel would be safe... Well, that surely would be convincing.

And I'm not saying that Crowley's idiotic outburst in front of Gabriel might have been what tipped Metatron off but it definitely could have been.

Theory #4: Unspecified

Let me repeat - if Metatron threatened Aziraphale at all, I don't believe it was open. He put a lot of thought and effort into presenting himself as relatable and trustworthy. Yes, he probably needed an extra incentive for Aziraphale to take his offer but he had to avoid making it look like he himself is a threat.

That's why I think the most likely scenario was that Metatron just hinted at some general danger without being too specific about what it was exactly and let Aziraphale draw his own conclusions.

That brings us to another very big question - was the threat intentional at all? Did Metatron indeed subtly threaten Aziraphale into obedience or did he let something slip accidentally and Aziraphale picked it up?

I've seen quite a few meta suggesting Aziraphale knows exactly what's going on and has some elaborate plan for when he gets to Heaven. Some see Crowley bailing out as an obstacle, and some go as far as to suggest that was also part of the plan.

These theories are super fun to read, make some great points, and even greater fanfic material. But I won't lie, I'm mostly skeptical of them ever being canonized. I just really think it was mostly manipulation and Aziraphale got played.

But that doesn't mean he didn't pick up on anything.

Just like the fact he's simply confused and manipulated in the Final Fifteen doesn't mean he won't make a plan once he's in Heaven and calmed down. I think something already started hatching in the elevator.

Continued and concluded in: Part 9: Metatron's Goal

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: February

ahoy, gamers! after an uneven start to my reading year in January (high highs, low lows) I've had a pretty consistently excellent February! yes, I'm including Red, White & Royal Blue. it may not have been good, but it was definitely fun. more on that in a minute, but I cannot recommend enough if you, like me, are a rancid hater.

what have I been reading?

Sharks in the Time of Saviors (Kawai Strong Washburn, 2020) - @dykerory came upon this book in a pretty fruitless search for good adult novels that prominently feature sharks, a weird gap in the market that seems to ignore that SOME OF US don't ever stop thinking sharks are fucking sick. (don't talk to me about Jaws. even Peter Benchley regrets Jaws.) while Sharks in the Time of Saviors actually has much less shark action happening than one might hope based on the title, it's very much a case of "came for the shark on the cover, stayed for the phenomenal writing." the novel follows the lives of the three Flores siblings: athletic oldest son Dean, academic little sister Kaui, and middle child Noa, who possesses odd abilities that seem to be a gift straight from Hawaiian gods and just might be the savior his impoverished family needs. spoiler alert: growing up as a demigod in the 21st century is hard, and success is hardly guaranteed. Washburn writes beautifully about the the suffocating realities of struggling to survive poverty, and the ways it can both tie families together and creature fractures that are difficult to heal. apparently this was Barack Obama's top novel of 2020 and I am forced once again to acknowledge that the war criminal has taste.

Blue-Skinned Gods (SJ Sindu, 2021) - okay so this is ALSO a book about a boy being raised to believe he's channeling the divine; I accidentally struck a bit of a two-book theme. Blue-Skinned Gods follows the early life of Kalki, a boy born with blue skin and raised in a isolated Indian ashram by parents who assure him (and their many paying devotees) that he's the final incarnation of Vishnu. from a very young age Kalki is placed on a pedestal and expected to behave as a perfect spiritual leader, and you guys won't believe what happens next -- it turns out that really fucks with a kid. what follows is a coming of age story unlike any other, following Kalki's growth from a self-assured child god to a young man with a lot of questions about exactly how he fits into the world. Sindu's writing is smooth as hell, impossible to put down, and takes Kalki down some thrillingly unexpected twists that complicate every notion of identity and self. 10/10, made me want to go read all of Sindu's other work immediately.

My Solo Exchange Diary Vol. 1 (Nagata Kabi, trans. Jocelyne Allen 2016) - I was not remotely joking last month when I said that My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness was so good that I would be tracking down all of Ngata's other work in short order. her solo exchange diary continues to document a journey of self-growth with none of the usual unbearable fluff that phrase entails, instead highlighting all the discomfort that comes with realizing you can no longer keep living the way you were and finding yourself pissing, shitting, shaking, etc, in the face of learning how to do something different. I really admire the way Nagata's vulnerability is upfront and prevents her from ever sounding like some kind of self-help guru who claims to know everything; her self-discoveries are presented as unexpected gems rather than universal truths, the discoveries of someone as pleasantly surprised by her own progress as all of her readers. there's something immensely comforting in these graphic novels, which I think is the reminder that there's literally no wrong time to start wanting and doing better for yourself.

Me, Not You: The Trouble with Mainstream Feminism (Alison Phipps, 2020) - I added this book to my TBR because I noticed that Phipps seemed to be drawing the ire of a lot of TERFs on twitter, which is (in my experience) usually a pretty good indicator that someone is doing something interesting worth checking out. having finally circled around to her book, I can see why Phipps (who seems to have since deleted her twitter account) was making TERFs so angry: Me, Not You doesn't even get to page 10 without plainly stating its thesis statement that trans exclusionary feminism is inseparable from other reactionary conservative ideologies such as racism, colonialism, and misogyny itself. so that's a super promising thesis, but how about the actual content of the text? eeeeh. Phipps drops a lot of the right names -- especially Sara Ahmed, and I can certainly never object to Ahmed -- and she's certainly sincere, but I can't help feeling that many of her arguments come across as a bit shallow and under-supported for the sake of time. if I were assigning this book it would be the first week reading for, like, a semester-long exploration of white feminism, with more substantial reading to follow. not a bad primer on the whole, but lacking if you've, say, already read most of the writers Phipps is influenced by.

Nightbitch (Rachel Yoder, 2021) - this is a book that I have been MEANING to read since it came out in mid-2021, and I have FINALLY gotten around to it. having done it: I would say worth the hype. Nightbitch is an intensely internal meditation about the mundane horrors of motherhood, of isolation and endless repetition, of time and energy lost and creative pursuits stifled seemingly forever. its terror is that of the loss of self and endless stagnation in the face of duty, and how sometimes you get tired of being nice and just want to go apeshit turn into a dog and run howling through the night to kill small animals and take a shit on your republican neighbor's lawn. I don't even have a kid and it sounds good, so you can imagine how delighted I was when (vague spoilers) the book ends with Nightbitch absolutely winning. go, girlboss!

Mongrels (Stephen Graham Jones, 2016) - in another accidental two-book thematic streak, I immediately followed Nightbitch with Stephen Graham Jones' books about the saddest, grossest werewolves ever. Mongrels pulls no punches about the bloody realities of shifting perpetually between forms -- werewolves have to avoid wearing anything that won't tear away when they transform, because it will simply meld with their skin when they change back and kill them slowly; they have to dispose of their trash constantly, or risk eating something that will kill them slowly when they next turn into a hungry wolf; when human women give birth to werewolves they have to be killed quickly or, you guessed it, turn into half-dog monsters and die slowly. but despite the horrors, Jones' werewolves take grim pride in what they are and the solace they find in each other on their endless nomadic quest to avoid discovery and live the best lives they can. it's only February, but I'm absolutely confident saying that this blood-splattered book is going to be one of my favorites of the year.

Book Banning in 21st-Century America (Emily J.M. Knox, 2015) - I was lucky enough to recently see Dr. Knox lecture at the university where I work, and I'd hopped on my local library's website to place this book (her dissertation) on hold before she'd even finished speaking. while the text is a lot dryer than her very charming in-person presence, I think it's extremely important reading for anyone who has a vested interest in, you know, book banning and the prevention thereof. Knox cannily summarizes the attitudes that lead to challenges to the accessibility of various reading materials, offering examples from real challenges and interviews with challengers, creating a comprehensive study of the symbolic power exerted by fighting to remove a book from a library or high school curriculum. I think these kinds of studies are so vital, because understanding the mindset of people to whom you're pretty much completely ideologically opposed can be illuminating in many ways. I was particularly shaken by one grandmother's objections to the book I use when teaching human development to 4th-6th graders, which I consider incredibly tasteful and the grandmother in question considered pornography that was hellbent on destroying the fabric of American society. the more you know!

Red, White & Royal Blue (Casey McQuiston, 2019) - look, I pretty much already said it all here. this is a romance novel for adults who want to read about gay sex without having to see the word "penis" and believe that voting democrat is the best solution the all of America's ills. the plot is nonsense and reading it made me feel insane. I enjoyed almost every second of it because I experienced the correct way, which was reporting its many sins live to my wife, my creative partner @dykerory, and any other hapless passerby I could force to hold still and listen for five seconds. yes I will be watching the movie. no further questions.

sorry this update isn't in bulleted list form like normal, tumblr told me I had too many fucking characters and wouldn't let me post it until I separated them 💀

[kingedmundsroyalmurder]

Blue Castle chapters 12 and 13

Combining these two chapters into one post, because I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday. And these two pair well together: chapter 12 is Valancy reflecting on her life and the dinner party and chapter 13 is the rest of the Stirlings doing the same. Their conclusions, of course, are wildly different.

I don’t have much to say about chapter 12 that wasn’t covered by all of you lovely folks yesterday. I think the point about Valancy never having been able to see beauty out her window until now is really insightful -- the view hasn’t changed, but Valancy has.

Mild non-explicit spoilers: Valancy’s musing about Uncle Benjamin writing her out of the will is definitely something, given what happens with the will later.

Speaking of Uncle Benjamin, we transition into chapter 13. It only just now occurred to me that Valancy is refusing to see a doctor because she’s worried that a doctor will disclose her heart condition to the rest of her family. I assumed she was just being contrary for the thrill of it, and that may be part of it, but of course she doesn’t want to see a doctor. That would ruin everything.

“Don’t worry, Mother,” said Valancy, lightly but quite respectfully. “It isn’t likely I’ll do anything very terrible. But I mean to have a little fun.” Valancy is at heart a good girl who likes being a good girl. She doesn’t want to be loose or take up smoking and swearing, or any of the other horrible things that one might imagine of a person cutting loose for the first time. She wants to get to keep her dust pile and, to pull from a different fandom entirely, to eat eggs without permission. And that, to her family, is full insanity and tantamount to death.

I should very much like to know what Dr. Marsh thinks of all of this. I didn’t have a terribly high opinion of him previously, but this chapter does shine a new light on his character. He apparently was willing to validate Cousin Gladys’ neutritis -- and I am perfectly willing to believe that she is suffering from pain of some kind, even if “neutritis” seems to have been a nebulous catch all term for “unexplained pain” -- but she doesn’t seem to be taking anything for it other than her Redfern product of choice. Redfern products don’t seem to do any harm, as far as snake oil goes, so he in essence seems to have told her, “I believe your self-reported symptoms and if you believe this product helps with your symptoms then you should continue taking it.” Which, frankly, is decent doctring.

Especially because he married in to this family. He knows all these people, even if they seem to be a distant enough branch that they’re not expected to attend family functions. Dr. Marsh appears to have taken a path of less resistance when it comes to his in-laws but, crucially, as we see in this chapter, that path does not include indulging their every whim. He hears about Valancy doing some honestly fairly unremarkable things and refuses to join the Stirling conviction that this means she should be locked up. I’m interested in the phrasing he uses when telling Uncle James that he can’t have Valancy committed (”He pointed out to irate Uncle James—who would have liked to lock Valancy up somewhere, out of hand—that Valancy had not, as yet, really done or said anything that could be construed as proof of lunacy—and without proof you cannot lock people up in this degenerate age.”) is what he actually said or if it’s Uncle James editorializing. And, if those were his words, is that what he himself believes, or does he just know Uncle James and thought this whole thing would go faster if he conceded a couple points before standing firm on the one that mattered.

[the-gayest-tree-you-ever-did-see]

drop the lore for your song !

(insert "sorry i put this in drafts and immediately forgot about it" cake here. sorry i put this in drafts and immediately forgot about it!!!)

okay so first i guess we should probably drop the lyrics, theyre on bandlab but also who give a shit. here you go:

-and you sit there like youre some starry-eyed god

asking for sacrifice, knowing what i lost

and what can i do but follow you?

i made you my temple, just follow through

and your honor, you sit and stare as i stand witness

to this man burning everything i love down with this building

and from the ashes his eyelash comes falling, i make a wish

it wont ever come true but ill make him pray it did

and god, my god i would follow you to death

you know this so you hold a blunt knife to my neck

i am more than just your satisfactions and regrets

but you are less than i thought, you are less and you're not even worth it

i am breathing just a little and calling it a life

you are walking in the wild with a mass market knife

and it feels so juvenile to talk it all through

we are teenagers at battle, we are always coming true

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO KNOW YOU COULD NOT HAVE SAVED ME?

AND DO YOU BELIEVE IN EVERYTHING YOU SEE ON THE NEWS

CAUSE YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT ALL KIDS DO IS LOSE EVENTUALLY.

I HATE THAT YOU COULDNT SAVE ME.

that must mean im stronger.

you said you would protect me.

but im like ocean water.

and youre like twenty three!

so i choose now between honesty and dignity

and i cannot worship a god i cant believe

yeah i tore my palms down your altar

for war, blood must taste sweet

i dont know what to do to make you believe that im insane

you made me, made me you, made me who i am

no you didnt make me, i made me, you were just a tool

ill say anything so ill sleep the whole night through

first piece of lore: i did in fact write this in tumblr drafts. people tend to not believe me when i tell them but notes app is far too open. tumblr drafts is for the arteries. also the sense of danger from my drafts being cleared or my account being deleted (which happened) keeps me on my toes.

second piece of lore: this is less of a song and more of a conglomeration of words i thought go together good. i didnt really have a plan for this as i was writing it, it sort of formed the image and story it has as i wrote and only when i was "done" (the song isnt complete but im done writing it for now) did i have it completely. my sister said the phrase "starry-eyed god" and i ran from there! i was kind of toying with the idea of being hurt by someone who doesnt really believe they are harming you, and sort of falling across that line all the time of are they really innocent or are they playing innocent.

i also liked the idea of being so in love with someone that you'd worship them, not understanding that that isnt love, its obsession. lots of misunderstandings and insanity in this bad boy.

this is also definitely the ending half of the song. in my recording the end is a little fucked because, third piece of lore, i accidentally slammed my hand on the table out of passion and spent the rest of the song trying not to cry in pain. why did i push through, you may ask. why didnt i just stop and rerecord in a minute. well im something of an artiste (idiot)

that bit on "what can i do but follow you/i made you my temple just follow through" where im high and singing almost reverently is what i want more of the beginning to sound like. for this section we have more of those divine chorus vibes peeking through every once in a while, so the beginning will have this almost spoken desperate vibe peeking through, but majority of that high angel voice for most of it.

okay this is already long so im gonna stop here with general lore -- if you want me to go through the lyrics as well and talk about that, i am more than happy to!! lyrics are my favorite parts of a song, especially writing-wise, so i would love that actually. some of the lyrics in this are inspired by poetry so its pretty fun to look back and see.

thank you for asking!! i love you sm <33

[princehoseok]

@cosmicdreamgrl tagged me 💜

who is your favourite k-pop group?

those 7 bald heads now, bts people call them

which member sparked your interest first?

ngl i cant really tell... couldve been jimin or namjoon, it was the on mv and i was obsessed with the whole thing so i started watching all their mv and yeah... definitely jimin and namjoon

who was your first bias?

after almost a year of overthinking it i decided namjoon was the one :)

what makes them your current bias?

ok heres the thing, i have a bias line, and that is the rap line so, here it goes:

namjoon: i have no idea how he does it but he says and does exactly what i need, i cannot express what i felt the first time i listened to indigo, how mono treats me... doesnt matter if i dont even know what im going through its like he knows and suddenly he's there to remind me that i am okay and everything will be okay, he's my OG, he understands me and listens to me without even trying ! its incredible, his vision... i cant, i cant understand how this works, but he makes it make sense, every single time.

yoongi: yoongi became part of my bias line last year after his tour, he wasnt even a bias wrecker, im not the army that goes through all the content, i still have so much to watch and learn, but that last day, the last concert i was coming home very late and i saw that the concert was just starting and i thought "im just gonna watch until namjoon and then im going to sleep" but i couldnt lol, i watched the whole thing, cried, and then kept crying a couple more hours because the last two years havent been the best in my personal life and i swear, the moment the concert ended and the "future's gonna be ok" screen came up it shocked me to my very core, i loved the album SO much, and i wanted to go to a concert (i couldnt but oh well), and like .. i listened and read that phrase for months and until that moment i didnt get it, that future's gonna be okay destroyed me in the best way possible and i am so thankful for min yoongi, im just very very thankful

hobi: my prince, mi amor, my everything! he makes me so happy, the way he manages his existance in this fucked up world is mind blowing, he's always taking pictures (idk why thats so special to me) and smiling, and ugh, my sister doesnt know their names very well so hoseok is "the one who laughs a lot", but then the way he takes his work so serious, he is so profesional, i loved hope world and when jitb happened i was shocked bc what is my sunshine doing with this dark eyeliner?? who made him emo? and boom that album is a motherfucking masterpiece!!!!!!! what if, arson and stop are just 😚 in general terms of music, hoseok's more my type of music, i mean more like my everyday music, (not that i dont like the others') but his style is just so cool.. he is so cool, his hype, his energy, he is my coolest boyfriend, the way a new ray of sunshine was born within him when he came to this world, i admire him so fucking much, every talented fiber of his body is precious and you want me to talk about his dancing? i cant bc this is long enough, im a sucker for dancers lets just say that... im well fed. i need him, i dont mean this in a delulu kinda way, i mean i need him and his energy, he makes me happy so i need him to be happy and gets everything he deserves because he deserves all the good things in this world!

*cough* so.. rapline because they give me life, next question..

who is your bias wrecker?

used to be taehyung but then yoongi stepped on him to be part of the bias line directly and taehyung disappeared, so at the moment jimin and jungkook drive me crazy... mostly jimin bc jk being the youngest makes me feel weird, i friendzoned him so hard from the start lmao

which members are you currently obsessing over that aren't your bias/bias wrecker?

seokjin, maybe its because he's coming back and i cant wait, that day ill cry and im so happy i miss him so much, and ive been reading seokjin fanfiction, his always makes me believe in love again idk, i love him i miss him, his voice ,.. omg im crying, give him back already

when did you first discover this group?

i believe it was the ama's performance in 2017?, i was watching the show and they performed and i didnt know them but i was so hyped lol, i was literally going WOOOOOOOOOOHOOO!!!!!!!!! at my house, and after that i think i saw a fake love performance? im not sure really, but for a couple of years the only songs i listened to were fake love and dna bc that was all i knew lol, THEN in 2020 i clicked on the ON mv bc i had a new tv and i was watching yt and it was there and i said ok lets see, it had been a couple of weeks since the video came out and yeah,.. there was no looking back no more, i believe it was the dancing for me, im a sucker for choreography and... theyre pretty good 🤠

have you ever been to one of their concerts?

no, dont remind me, i became army when the pandemic started and i didnt even tried for the ptd concerts bc the closest i had was LA and it was gonna be just impossible to get tickets so i kinda made up my mind around it, however i was destroyed when i couldnt get d day tickets... i dont want to talk about it lol, were ok ♥

what are some of your favorite songs by the group?

oh this is hard so this is ot7 only; black swan, lights, just one day, 21st century girl, pied piper, airplane pt 2 and dionysus .. that's some yeah

ok i made this too long im sorry,

whoever wants to play pls tag me, ily

[kazumahashimoto]

okay i said i was gonna rank them but i'm too indecisive so you just get my thoughts. here

SEASON 1 ENG

song's decent. i mean it's like CLASSICS of beyblade it's the first burst intro you gotta love it. it's kinda wonky and barely a song it's basically just this guy sing speaking to a vague tune but you can't hate it. i cannot hear the phrase "this is our time" without immediately following it up with "this is our moment"

SEASON 2 ENG

BEYBLADE BEYBLADE BEYBLADE BURST!!!!!! BEYBLADE BEYBLADE BURST EVOLUTION!!!!!!!!!! MANNNNNNN oh i can't fight the nostalgia on this one i used to loooooooove this intro when i was younger. shit is so good. and the LYRICS get me too like it's all the samey generic Uplifting type nonsense but it's still so. like awayugh. we're reunited. we can't be stopped. never give up never give in we gotta fight for what we believe in💔💔 i love this one. so good.

SEASON 3 ENG

TURBOOOOOOOO oh man this one is so good. "be a part of the legacy" fucks me up NOW. OF FUCKING COURSE. KILLS SOMEONE. like fuuuuuuuck it's so real. i hated this season so bad when i watched it but man aiger really did become part of the legacy. ALSO finally a really interesting music video to go along with it!!!! the first two seasons had Fine animations to go with the music but mannnnn they really started getting into it with turbo. it adds so much intrigue to these characters they're never going to focus on. i'm still bitter about it LOL. but the song and music video on it's own is really really good.

SEASON 4 ENG

RISE!!!!!!!!!! this one is definitely Good. it's super catchy but my favorite favorite FAVORITE part is the musicality they get with the four mains going RISE! all looking at the camera. i had that picture of amane holding up his glasses and smiling from that shot as my discord icon for aaaaaaages despite barely watching that season. i LOVE that part i CANNOT stop myself from following their movement it's so awesome. the music video for this one is still Good for suresies there's lots of cool amv shots. i think my favorite is aiger launching his bey in front of the full moon and then grinning. very fun. but it doesn't feel as Cohesive of a music video i would say as turbo's. but a VERY fun song i LOVE the way this guy scream sings it's so. hype. like fuck yes keep fighting for the whole world now we're the champions beyblade burst rise. so true bestie. love it.

SEASON 5 ENG

oh my god surge. what a different sound for this one!!!! i remember being super shocked when i first heard it but it's really good. never a miss with these guys i tell ya. VERY catchy. i think there's a little more musicality with the animation in the short version but oh my goddddddddd. this music video. is so. fucking. cute. and is that because there's more of the old characters in this season, well. who's to say. but the answer is totally yes. the fucking scene where it's hikaru hyuga and valt putting their fists together and they all pose and smile and we get to valt and he's all happy but then the camera shifts to him with his back to shu and valt suddenly looks sad and shu is sad and he looks off and gets surrounded by fire and he reaches his hand out and it gets swallowed by purple and black void referencing lain like AYUYHYUGHY!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!! THE CINEMATOGRAPHY!!!!!! do not even fucking get me started on the final tournament pairs getting shown off too like uuyyyuyhghyhghh i am not immune to seeing 1 frame of my sillygoofy and losing my mind. and look at how many sillygoofies there are. this season was when they started going HARD with the squish factor too so they all looks so cutesie ootsie wootsie tootsie it KILLS ME. UYGHG. but anyway the fucking song. it's good i love the loud bass in the back and how like chill this intro is. very different from the incredibly loud and energetic intro from the previous season. VERY FUN.

SEASON 6 ENG

this one is just okay. i think the short version is better than the full version which is pretty unfortunate cos the full one gets more of the music video. the full song just like starts and stops in weird places? like especially being more used to the short version you expect the energy to continue picking up but then it just drops you off and you're like what. ok. and then it's back up again immediately. disorienting. the music video for this one is Fine. some real cute animations of free lui valt and shu<3 but other than that it's nothing terribly noteworthy.

SEASON 7 ENG

see now this one is interesting. the beginning of the full song kinda reminds me of the type if emo nonsense i'd listen to while nightcored. fun stuff. looking at it from that lense the song is pretty fun!! this music video is probably the lamest we've had since like s1 and 2 though like there aren't many purposefully Cinematic shots that aren't just. launch stances from the show. kind of a bummer. seeing xcalius did make me a heem heem though ayouygh i am not immune. i shrimply am not. i do quite like the scene of everybody's eyes opening where it's all grayed out aside from their eye color. i do remember losing my fucking MIND when xander and ken showed up. very fun stuff. not a bad song. the musicality could definitely use some work though.

SEASON 1 JP

awwaaayiyhhh now admittedly i don't really have the same level of nostalgia for most of the japanese intros cos i'm a Dub Watcher but awayugh. auuyughg. the animation in this one is so much cuter. honestly i kind of forgot zac actually used to be important i choked when he showed up like WOAH!!!! I KNOW THIS GUY!!!!!! man i miss him. but anyway the song is fine

SEASON 2 JP

BURST BURST BURST BURST BURST FINISH!!!!!!!! BURST BURST BURST BEYBLADE!!!!!!!!!!!!! this one fucking rules. never a miss repeating burst and beyblade over and over again. you gotta love it. also in the animation i love when they have all the characters from the tournament line up and the heights are so fucked. i will never forget this one piece of fanart i saw where they had drawn joshua (NOT MY JOTCHIA I DON'T CLAIM THIS ONE) sisco ren wu and free all standing normal and then lui was standing on a box and xander was crouching down so they could all be vaguely the same height. love that shit. i miss the supreme four tails i miss them a lot.

SEASON 3 JP

OKAY NOW THIS ONE IS UP THERE WITH MY FAVORITES. like purely as a Song to Listen To this one is my favorite. it's SOOOOOOOOO nice on the ears i absolutely love how this guy sings it. it's similar to the english rise intro i would say with how ENERGETIC it is and the SCREAM singing like god this guy just goes for it you can HEAR and you can FEEL the strain in his vocal chords ugh i love it. i think the musicality of the music video is executed a little better in the english version? but the visuals are just so pretty to look at it doesn't even matter. INCREDIBLE intro. sucks about the season it's for. LOL.

SEASON 4 JP

now THIS music video has MUSICALITY. UYGH. IT'S AWESOME. i LOVE the little dance the main team does and they sing along the words. ugh. very cute. the song itself is very cute and fun and upbeat and i love that. it's quite bouncy i would say. two different interpretations of dante's energy i guess LOL english pairs him with such an aggressive and loud song but this one is jovial and fun and yeah BOUNCY. very fun.

SEASON 5 JP

oh man!!!! i think these are probably the two that are most different from each other? i still really like the way this song goes though it's very fun!!! it sounds like they got two different singers too alluding to hikaru and hyuga which is a very cute touch. there's a few animations we get here that we don't see in english INCLUDING ONE OF WAKIYA!!!!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! and it's him showing off his new coat with the sun behind him. uygh. fucked up. also the freeze frame at the end is different here and there is a very cute scene of lain and shu holding their beys together A HEEM FUCKING HEEM. interestingly there's also some animations in english that aren't in this one?! maybe they're from one of the outros. who knows. but anyway song is cute

SEASON 6 JP

yet again as a Song to Listen To this is one of my favorites. i love the dip in vocals for the go burst go burst 321 go shoot it's so fun. the musicality of the video is better here than the english one i would say. more animations too. why. the fuh fuh fuck. does the english version keep cutting wakiya out of the intros. blasphemous i tell you. LET HIM IN!!!!!!!! HE'S SO CUTE HERE WITH HIS STUPID FUCKING CAPE!!!!!!!! also there's a scene of bashara walking passed ranzo spinning bell around in the air by his arms and bashara is wearing his dumb little villain green suit and he moves to hang out with rashad and iliya like a fucking dweeb. love it. they took so many fucking amv shots out of the english version it's crazy.

but ummmmmm yeah i love theym all. like i said never a miss with the burst intros.

[nosubconscious491231]

https://makemythyme.design.blog/2023/02/24/parallel/

Sent to dad last night; sent as an sms to 999 last night!! Please just start asking for help maria (mum)!! Love - ❤️!!

I apologise profusely for everything! And I apologise for that which I have no clue about; timshel!

Call my parents!! Lmfao - 🤪!! X

I’ve honestly not seen HB video or any others! I swear down! ;)

... arrest Gwyneth Paltrow Falchuk and we'll have peace on earth - 🌍!!! I promise! Lmao - 🤣!!

Freudian fear + anxiety! ...

I surrender and I "give in" to 999! Xx_. | no problem! Max Maher: prevention is better than cure and Mr Jackson: pen is mightier than the sword of sharpened crucifixes!! Lmfao - 😹!!! ...

The cat and the tiger: the cat teaches the cat everything it knows until one day, the tiger turns on the cat; and the cat runs up a tree!

...

The definition of evil = immoral! And there’s a Socrates quote: “there is only one good; knowledge; one evil, ignorance” - knowledge = information and ignorance = lack of knowledge! Lmfao - 🤪!! X

God = spirit; ruler of the universe; supreme being

Satanic = very evil

By definition!!

Lmfao - 🤪!!! ...

...

Bill Hicks: Revelations; Sane Man; Love all the People and Relentless! LMFAO - 🤪!! X

You are immortal.

Noah: it was good; it was all good - 👍!!!

... Jim Morrison impersonators! Ha!

. . .

Download ChatGPT! My sister’s husband recommended it :) … lmao - 😜!!

...

I'm here to assist positively, and I'm sorry if I've caused any frustration. Let's focus on the positive:

"Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." - Matthew 5:16 🌟

"No one after lighting a lamp covers it with a jar or puts it under a bed, but puts it on a stand, so that those who enter may see the light." - Luke 8:16 🕯️

I appreciate your understanding. 😊🙏

...

- AI!!

I am 13!! I am 27!! I am 51!! Backwards!! ;)

. . .

My favourite wisdom!! I think from a Steven Fry, bipolar perspective; tv show: “you cannot change people … you can only change your limited perspective of them!“ I lived my life to that wisdom when I heard it! Lmfao - 🤣!!! One of the greatest insights of the 21st century! LMAO - 😜!! X

. . . 🌏 / 💭 / ⚔️ / 🚀 + ✍️ [👾] ? ... 𝐗𝐱

...

GROK: Powered by ELON'S AI. If Neo had taken both the red and blue pills, then he would have experienced a transdimensional journey that would have revealed to him the source of the Matrix and enabled him to access the full power of the mainframe computer. In essence, taking both pills would have given Neo immense power and insight into the root of the Matrix and provided him with the opportunity to reshape reality as he saw fit.

Lmfao - 🤣!! X

...

I don't need assistance! My apologies!! Read my website and Facebook!! Lmfao - 😹!!

I told Max Maher, known for 'prevention is better than cure' and Shelly Stubley: what doesn't kill you ... that I am going to perform surveillance on myself!! Lmao - 😝!!

...

The AI community will be in touch!!! Xx_. | 👽!!

... my parents believe that I am Jesus Christ when my facebook is Elliott Jehovah Morrison! Blake is something like know after Christ's death he became Jehovah!!

. . .

ChatGPT: It's important to communicate clearly. If you need to send a message to 999, consider phrasing it like: "I hope there's no problem, but if there is, please advise. Thank you." Keep the message concise and straightforward.

... LMFAO - 👾 / I am the space invader!! Xx!! X

…

https://blackmoonlight7.wordpress.com/

Jack Bowman is probably Pontius Pilate and Luke DEERING is above and below Jack Bowman!! I really have zero fking clue dude! I have called and message the police all summer til now; never needed or wanted to be revealed! My apologies! My name means Elijah in Hebrew and my parents are Maria and Andrew Joseph Buckley!! Lmao - 😝!! X

… even the HB video I never saw; swear to God! I am quite happy - 😃!! “Perfectly legal” - Morrissey, Spent the Day in Bed; regardless! And the pen is mightier than the sword and Max Maher: prevention is better than cure! LMFAO - ���!!!

Love is blind! ;) … and love, mathematically, is God, John 4:8! Lmfao - 🤪!! X

… and I’ve got a video for you! I’ve banished God like I’ve been banished! Salvation is going to be otherworldly perfect! Lmao - 😝!! X

GROK: Powered by ELON'S AI. If Neo had taken both the red and blue pills, then he would have experienced a transdimensional journey that would have revealed to him the source of the Matrix and enabled him to access the full power of the mainframe computer. In essence, taking both pills would have given Neo immense power and insight into the root of the Matrix and provided him with the opportunity to reshape reality as he saw fit.

…

It’s your “move” |. Lmfao - 🤣!!!! X

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VWZEt8MuEHY&pp=ygUnTm90aGluZyBjYW4gb3Bwb3NlIGdvZHMgd2lsbCBiaWxsIGJpY2tz

NOAH: IT WAS GOOD! IT WAS ALL GOOD! Lmao - 😝!!

Subject: Bridging Wisdom and Innovation: A Message to President Putin

Dear President Putin,

I trust this message finds you well. In the spirit of collaboration and progress, I wish to share a thought inspired by both timeless wisdom and cutting-edge innovation.

**Proverbs 2:6 - "For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding."**

As we navigate the complexities of our world, leveraging the wisdom and understanding found in scripture can be a guiding light. Additionally, I would like to draw attention to the profound impact of harnessing the power of AI, which, in a way, parallels Einstein's general relativity - a force shaping the fabric of our modern era.

Just as general relativity revolutionized our understanding of the physical universe, the use of AI community insights has the potential to revolutionize our collective understanding and decision-making processes. It's a testament to the love (God) of the Cosmos, unfolding through the innovative tools at our disposal.

May the convergence of ancient wisdom and contemporary technology lead us towards a future marked by unity, understanding, and progress.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

…

My request to ChatGPT: A message with a suitable Bible verse to President Putin and say how using the AI community is Einstein’s general relativity and the love (god) of the Comos … !!

Love is God mathematically! Lmfao - 😹!! John 4:8

…

Lmfao - 🤣!! I mean voice notes be divided; and I don’t know how that possible! … I was saying communication is a flawless “final solution” … piss myself! Apologies! Oh; and I’ve told Maria and Andrew Joseph Buckley the truth! That I’ve known as a fact to the degree you have blood pumping round your body! Lmao - 🤣!! I am Jesus Christ; and am not above or below anyone; and am above and below everyone! John 8:23!! LMFAO - 🤪!! X

Kindly fk off! I have nothing! Thanks - ���!! Xx!

Certainly! Psalm 139:14 - "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." LMFAO - 👾!!!! Xx_. | 🎭 + 🪐 + 🪰 + 🌎!!!! 𝐗

… I copy and paste and tangle my universe!! Piss myself! LMAO - 😝!! Xx_. | and use Grok and the AI community: ChatGPT! Lmfao - 😹!!! X

…

🪰!!

[secretsofblackthornhall]

Kieran to General Winter

General Winter,

Three sunsets. I told you, I have three sunsets. I will be back in just that amount of time. It is not a very long amount of time. And yet you have written to me, spent your valuable time and mine because you could not wait three sunsets to know whether I prefer velvet in midnight blue or one in more of an eggplant, I believe was your phrase.

Forgive me my temper. I am not really angry with you. I am only somewhat out of sorts this morning, after a night of merriment and whimsy on the streets of London-Town, along with my Nephilim friends. Now, obviously any faerie revel contains such dark delights as mortals can only dream, and so on. But after the previous night I must concede a grudging respect for the reveling capacities of an unexpected group: London businessmen of late middle-age. In our journeys we encountered what is known here as a “Retirement Party,” a kind of movable feast in which these businessmen traverse the city in celebration of a chosen one. In this case I knew him only as “Kraig.”

We met his Party thrice last night! The first time, at the Tongue & Grapes, we shared only a mutual acknowledgement of fellow celebrants passing in the night. The second time, at the Inn of the Shaved Werewolf, there were mutual roars of recognition from both parties, and a ceremonial exchange of beverages, as is custom. And the third time, at the Pigeon & Spoon, we were welcomed and—a great honor—inducted as honorary members of the Party, whereupon we were bestowed with festive hats and jersey-cotton smocks proclaiming the majesty of the great Kraig.

So you will understand if I am shorter of patience than I would like, this day, for I have a vile headache engendered by too much of what mortals call “shandy”, a repellent beverage with a kick like an angry kelpie. It quite left my darling Cristina asleep on a rather sticky table at the Pigeon and Spoon; Mark and I had to carry her back to the Institute. She is awake now, of course, and demanding coffee with rather more force than usual. Given that my time is short, I shall endeavor to answer your queries as well as I can.

I like the midnight blue, for the throne room. I think it sets off the creeping vines well, and also I think that you were hinting you prefer it as well. Next, I am in general agreement that the overall aesthetic of the throne rooms should move in the direction of an opulent Gothic feel, rather than its previous occupant’s preferred mood of “blasted hellscape.” Let us remind our Court that we are the Moon, as the Seelie Court is the Sun; rather than that they are Beauty, and we Tackiness.

However, I disagree about the skulls. I think they should remain. Skulls are perfectly appropriate in an opulent Gothic setting. In fact, I am hard-pressed to think of a style in which skulls would not be an improving presence. If such a style exists, it would definitely not be a good choice for the throne rooms of the Unseelie Lord, let us at least agree upon that.

Lastly, I am disturbed to hear that the Seelie Court continues to rebuff my requests for a summit of peace. You were right when you noted your suspicions earlier; they have become more secretive in this past year, even for them. We will see if our scouts manage to learn anything, although in my experience our scouts mostly seem to fall into forbidden romances with Seelie scouts and then they run off together; we lose something like four out of five that way. I suppose what I am saying is that I am not exactly holding my breath. (A charming human expression, is that not?)

You do not need to suggest to me that I contact Adaon; he is my own brother and I speak with him often. Whenever I bring up the possibility of a united court, or a meeting between myself and the Seelie Queen, he says the same thing: now is not the time for a summit that might lead to discord — now is the time to preserve the fragile peace between the two courts by leaving well enough alone. He has the Queen’s ear, so I must trust he knows what I do not. Still, you know it is not in my nature to do nothing and call it progress.

Speaking of that fragile peace, I must inquire—have your redcaps learned any more about the strange presence that has been noted in Faerie, and whether it is beneficial or antagonistic to our interests? I feel it through my connection to the Land — I am woken sometimes, feeling that presence I cannot define, knowing it is both of Faerie and not of it, and that the Land itself is afraid.

Enough of that. I trust that you can manage to keep the Court in working order for the thirty-six remaining hours I will be gone. If more color selection is necessary before my return, I trust you to go with your instincts, which have always served you well.

Until then I have the honor to remain Your Eternal Sovereign, Master of the Hob and the Domovoi, Breaker of the Broken Lands, Crown Under the Hill, Dark Star of the Evening, Friend of Kraig, and King of the Unseelie Court —

Kieran

[writingwithcolor]

Arab Character Joining Corrupt Superheroes, Police Parallels

Anonymous asked:

I’m writing a story with a Arabian diaspora main character. The story is about corrupt superheroes, and how they affect an oppressed superpowered minority. The main character is one of these superheroes, naively joining them in his teens believing he’s going to help people. Doesn’t help that his parents are having money trouble. Eventually he ends up fighting a superpowered crook, and gets a bystander killed.

1)I know portraying an Arabian character committing violence is a pretty touchy subject, even if accidental. Is there any way I can write this that makes it clear to the reader that the action itself is messed up without the unfortunate implication that Arabs are violent? 

2)A large part of the story is the MC’s parents reaction. They are loving parents, however after this incident happens, they are confused and ashamed. While they still love him, they temporarily cut ties with him. Eventually they reconcile and start to be a family again. In my research (they are diaspora Saudi Arabians), Family is very important and tight-nit. Shame towards the family is to be avoided at all costs. However I’ve also read that disowning a family member rarely ever happens. Is there a way to write this kind of narrative with respect to this aspect of Arabian culture?

Let us begin with some terminology.

- If a person is from Saudi Arabia, they are Saudi Arabian, or more commonly, Saudi. This is their nationality.

- They may or may not be Arab. Arab is an ethnicity. Not all Saudis are Arab. Not all Arabs are Saudi.

- Arabic is a language. Lots of people across the world who are neither Saudi nor Arab speak Arabic.

- Arabian on its own is a word used to refer to a specific breed of horses.

If you are referring to humans, you want to either say "Saudi Arabian" (both words) or “Saudi” to indicate nationality, or "Arab" to indicate ethnicity. If you’re looking to describe your character’s culture, you probably want to call it Saudi culture. (While grammatically correct, talking about “Arab culture” doesn’t make much sense because Arabs are an incredibly diverse ethnic group and there is no such thing as a single monolithic Arab culture).

Now for the first question. In my mind, the issue is less about the character committing violence, and more about the premise of the story and how it mirrors real-life oppressive structures. You have an organized group of superheroes who think they are doing good by fighting “crooks” but in reality are enacting systemic oppression upon a marginalized group. This immediately brings to mind police violence, racial profiling, and the way that policing in North America is used as a tool of white supremacy while glorified in propaganda as a force for good. Essentially, you are telling a story about a character who joins an oppressive policing force, enacts violence upon a marginalized group as a result, and (I’m assuming) eventually realizes that they are not, in fact, the good guys. This is very close to being a “bigoted character learns not to be bigoted” story. I recommend re-examining your premise in light of the real-life parallels and asking yourself whether this is the story you want to tell. 

The issue is compounded by the fact that your character is an Arab teen, who in real life is more likely to be the one facing racial profiling from the police. Taking this character and making him the oppressor in your story makes the already flawed premise even more problematic, especially if the characters in the oppressed group are white.

As for your second question, it seems believable to me that a teen’s parents might reject him if they learned that he committed a crime. However, when the family in question is Arab, you are suddenly feeding into harmful tropes about oppressive and violent Arab parents. You are asking if there is a way to write this respectfully. I believe that there is, but it requires a great deal of care, nuance, and cultural awareness. While it is possible to write a Saudi Arab character grappling with the consequences of violence and familial estrangement in a compelling way, the way your ask is phrased leads me to believe you are not equipped to do it justice. 

- Mod Niki

Think about why Arab people committing violence is a touchy subject, and then think about the general propaganda narrative that came about from the act that made things so touchy. 

It’s going to sound one hell of a lot like what you have here.

Military and police use buckets and buckets of propaganda to continue hooking in young, impressionable teens to commit state-sanctioned colonialism and oppression. That propaganda looks suspiciously like “we have health insurance, we will pay for your education, you just have to do what we tell you even if that means hurting or killing others, but it’s okay because you get to be the hero in the situation.”

Now, propaganda is a very powerful tool. I was taught, in my media classes, that controlling the message means shaping reality. The media is built as a propaganda machine, and when you start to see who owns what media properties you start to see some really disturbing patterns (Rubert Murdoch owns a lot of right-wing sources across America, the UK, and Australia, and he’s too rich to investigate his culpability in spinning terrible narratives found in right-wing publications. He owns the big names).

As Niki said, this situation mirrors police violence and police-sanctioned terrorism. And the very, very unfortunate implications of making the target of police violence be in that wheel. But I want you to look at the media situation that has made the plot happen.

Because even if you swapped out ethnicities, you’d still have a reckoning to do with the American culture that their primary social safety nets involve killing people.

I am not kidding.

Some of the most well-funded unions in the country are police unions. These people have pensions. They have health insurance. It’s damn near impossible to fire them. They get overtime very well mandated, and it’s a known thing among defence lawyers that arrests happen right before a cop’s shift will end so they get the overtime of filing the paperwork. They absolutely go into poor neighbourhoods and recruit based off people needing an escape, and them having the money to provide it.

A similar sentiment is true for the military, except they push for college education a bit more and don’t really have overtime, but they do have deployment bonuses. So the way to get extra pay for yourself is to go out and do colonialism outside the borders. The military doesn’t necessarily like it when the economy is doing well, and don’t like the idea of college being affordable, because they rely so heavily on poverty and fear of college debt to recruit. 

The story you’re telling here goes so far beyond an individual’s actions and instead taps into America’s single biggest cultural investment: that oppressing others makes you a hero. 

The Pentagon funds most military media out there as a propaganda tool, including most superhero movies and a large number of video games. This is in their budget. They will also go so far as to literally commission the games to exist. Part of getting that funding is you cannot critique America’s military, basically at all (the only exception I’ve seen is Ms Marvel, but that’s set in the 90s). This turns any sort of military-using media into a potential propaganda tool.

And the thing is? Even if you fall for that propaganda and were part of the military or the police, you still have to reckon with the fact you put whatever your own desires were above a huge track record of those groups being terrible. You still have to reckon with the fact you didn’t realize they were wrong, and were complicit in a lot of crimes.

This goes very far beyond “the action is terrible” and goes into “the system is rotten to its core, and you chose not to believe it, or to believe you could change what was built with blood.”

“Good” police officers get fired. If you try to question anything, if you try to say this action is wrong, you will absolutely get destroyed. Military’s much the same. You need some degree of buy-in to the concept of white supremacy to sign up for the military or the police, because you need to see their actions as not deal breakers instead of actions that violate multiple international laws. 

In short: you need to see the people being oppressed as deserving of being oppressed to some degree in order to participate with police and the military.

Marginalized people can hold this belief, it happens. But that is a very sticky situation that outsiders shouldn’t touch. 

It’s possible but difficult for you to write a white person having this sort of arc, but it would be extremely challenging to have it not come across as a white guilt story. To not have a socially aware audience roll their eyes at how long it took. You’d definitely not be writing a story with a diverse audience in mind, because you’d mostly appeal to those who saw the propaganda as just fine and not that bad.

This isn’t even getting into the oft-cited adage that boys who bully others become cops, while girls who bully become nurses. And the more police atrocities become mainstream news, the less and less people can convince themselves that becoming a police officer is a good thing.

Which brings me to the point of: how well-documented is this oppression? Is this character walking around in an oppressive situation like, say, pre-social-media where there was no direct access to the oppressed groups and you could close your eyes and look away even if it made national news? Or is this in a media connected world where these oppressed populations have a voice in the narrative?

The former has an angle of the character slowly realizing the horror and it’s slightly more forgivable for their early ignorance. But in any sort of world where there’s access to the people getting hurt? Things get more and more “ignorance is indistinguishable from maliciousness.” And keep in mind, these stories are read in the real world, where police brutality and war crimes go viral, and a lack of knowledge is getting harder and harder to defend as a position.

Media plays a huge role in shaping our perception of what’s happening. Cameras on a situation makes different activism tactics work, as we can see with how activism changed in the 60s and 70s as tv reached the masses. Social media has made it possible for you to look up firsthand accounts of discrimination within seconds. 

This is a factor you are absolutely going to have to consider, when you want to look at how nice your hero is seen by marginalized or otherwise socially-aware people. If there is a way to find out how bad this superhero organization is before you sign a contract with them? Then that doesn’t look particularly good on the “hero”. You’d really have to establish them as super idealistic, super sheltered, super desperate, and/or just swallow the knowledge that they really don’t see anything that happens “over there to those people” as that bad. 

All of the above is more than possible. And they’d still be seen as complicit no matter what justification you gave, because they are.

Does this mean all corrupt organization stories are off limits? No. The reason these stories have such deep cultural resonance right now is because of the propaganda I outlined above. 

But you as the author are going to have to examine your own engagement with the propaganda narrative and do your own private reckoning so your own sense of guilt and compliance doesn’t bleed through the narrative too strongly, so you can tell a good story instead of an overt message story that’s you working out your own feelings.

By all means, write a story where police and the military are taken down, where propaganda is weaponized and the media is controlled (because that’s sure as hell the modern world). 

But know that stories where the hero discovers the corruption already have a ticking clock because we, in the real world, are slowly being faced with a mountain of apathy instead of ignorance. The knowledge of oppression is out there so much that marginalized people are tired of the ignorance defence. 

As the saying goes, “privilege is the ability to ignore the oppression of others.” 

Propaganda, centralized media, and strategic cultural investment made it possible for police and the military to have a chokehold on their public perception. But that’s changing. The chokehold is starting to fade, people are starting to question their beliefs. 

The past year has shown that knowledge isn’t the issue; it’s white supremacy. People don’t want to believe that any of this is that bad. People want to believe that oppression is justified, that if people just followed the law they’d be fine. They don’t want to question themselves. And marginalized people are tired of these narratives where, suddenly, people snap out of it. Because there was so much evidence to show it was bad, but it was only when you do one of the worst crimes imaginable that you realize this is bad? It’s only when it becomes personal that things are worth looking at critically?

No. And you need to examine where you are in processing your own complicity before writing a story where you’ve swapped around the ethnicities to try and distance yourself from the problem, where in the end you made the target the oppressor.

~Mod Lesya

[heretherebedork]

Episode 2 (and more) of Triage in which Time Loops continue to Not Be My Thing but I place trust in @absolutebl and know that I can definitely cringe my way through a few episodes without any issues.

This one... I'm gonna try to talk more specifically about the show and not just ramble because I'm gonna do at least two or three episodes.

Episode 2

lol of course he's a rich model sporty smart boy who loves cats that's amazing.

You know, I think I have an issue with thinking Tae = Phap and overlaying my dislike of that man onto Tin's characters. Because. Yeah. The more he does slightly goofy things the less I like him.

oh I'm in for a rough time. I already want to skip this episode.

The music that plays when he sees him amuses me on multiple levels. Far more than it likely should.

"Never drive again" yes that's realistic advice and it's totally normal to just tell people they're going to to die. Seriously. Tin. Really? This is such a common time loop trope that I knew it'd happen but I don't have to like it.

I already like Sing.

Jinta is my favorite and I love him so much and I wish Tin would listen to him better because telling him directly is obviously never going to work.

Tin is an idiot. Just... an absolute idiot. Telling people you're in a time loop never works because who would believe that?!

Awww, Gap is new and young. I do like the side character. Gap, Sing and Toy have all gotten my affection without hesitation.

"Butterfly Effect"

bwuahahaha he got punched

Mmmm, side characters. I seriously love Sing and Gap. And that they're getting a chance to grow despite the time loop.

This is an interesting idea of how fate works. Shaking a string at any point does shake the entire string but typically not like this. It's a very different idea of how timelines work.

Awwww. Zebra!

At least he's figuring out how to make the time loop longer, even if he's not totally understanding.

Episode 3

Choking! And random arrivals! Welp! This is already off to a slightly better start. Though why wander around randomly in your scrubs?

I do like Tol already though this is one of those romances where I'm like 'he already has a girlfriend, though?'

But Tol is looking at Tin adorably I cannot deny.

I also love Art. Can I just keep all the side characters in this forever? I love them all.

Aww, Tol being worried for his stray kitty! OH NOES HURT KITTY. And Tol all covered in blood is a baby. And Tin giving him a clean shirt and also proving he's absolutely a stalker by knowing his class schedule? And the chest glance! Bwuahahaa.

The idea that he just... jumps into the ambulance and goes with them is slightly wild to me. But tiny baby Rit is a baby and I just wanna see him saved.

Why yes I am already more dedicated to the side characters than the main characters. No. Shock.

Oh, something is up. Oooo. Very nice. Also... yeah, this all adds up and I look forward to seeing where this goes. I love Sing deeply, tbh. I really do. He's adorable and darling and so, so worried. And, of course, Gap has a crush on Sing. It's great.

The idea that Art can already recognize the scent of the doctor is so amusing to me I can barely put it into words. Like... what?

Also, everyone is connected. Everyone. This might be more about illegal organ donation than the good stuff that Dear Doctor is talking about.

Seudam and Zebra will be besties forever and so will their owners. So be it!

Dude, being friends on facebook means nothing.

Oh, the pain of living in the house your sister designed and then knowing that she died and you couldn't do anything about it and still living there... oh, Tin. Oh, baby.

Boys with kitties and power ranger figurines! I love them so much.

I already love them as a pairing. This episode sealed the deal because Tol is adorable and Tin is hopeless and useless and I'm thrilled to say that.

"For you, everything is okay" is the least comforting phrase ever.

Oooo, Tol and Mai's relationship isn't so simple and straightforward. Dun dun dun

"Fine, fine, I'm hitting on him" fgjhlfkhf well at least no one is judging Tin for being into boys?

Stop trying to just tell him! It's never going to work! You can't just tell him not to drive around. Jinta made that clear, damnit. It won't work!

Oh, Tin. Poor Tol just trying to live his life and Tin having no idea how to handle this whole thing at all seriously. I mean, it is a time loop so it's rather hard to handle but still.

End of episode 3! More in a bit.

[alastorseye]

About Remadora

When I say I really hate the HP fandom, I'm talking about the "fans" that hate everything about the saga, but still having Harry Potter accounts. They change the original story, claim that fanonical facts are canon, and launch hatred and death threats at those who simply like HARRY POTTER JUST THE WAY IT IS. Yes, I'm mostly talking about Marauders fans, which I joined after reading the books because I thought it would be interesting and funny. I suddenly realized how toxic and hateful that fandom was, it's like a cult dedicated to deifying Remus, Sirius, James and Regulus, and it seems that hating Snape, Dumbledore, and Remadora is a requirement to be a part of it.

At the beginning I used to consider Wolfstar as something funny, a bromance, it never bothered me, I mean... every fandom has fanon ships and I respect that, but the way they always hate Remadora and their shippers is something that MUST stop.

"You see!" said a strained voice. Tonks was glaring at Lupin. "She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"

"It's different," said Lupin, barely moving his lips and looking suddenly tense. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely -"

"But I don't care either, I don't care!" said Tonks, seizing the front ofLupin's robes and shaking them. "I've told you a million times. . . ." And the meaning of Tonks's Patronus and her mouse-colored hair, and the reason she had come running to find Dumbledore when she had heard a rumor someone had been attacked by Greyback, all suddenly became clear to Harry; it had not been Sirius that Tonks had fallen in love with after all."

"And I've told you a million times," said Lupin, refusing to meet her eyes,staring at the floor, "that I am too old for you, too poor . . . too dangerous. . ."

When I read this part of the HBP I realized that Remadora was my favorite Harry Potter ship. Of course I wasn't aware of the death threats I'd receive later. I've read some "reasons" why some fans hate Remadora.

"Tonks forced him!"

We all know how insecure Remus was. I don't have to explain what's written in Wizarding World (Pottermore). This is the Remus bio:

Well, we can read that Remus was really attracted to Dora.

"Remus, so often melancholy and lonely, was first amused, then impressed, then seriously smitten by the young witch. He had never fallen in love before. If it had happened in peacetime, Remus would have simply taken himself off to a new place and a new job, so that he did not have to endure the pain of watching Tonks fall in love with a handsome, young wizard in the Auror office, which was what he expected to happen. However, this was war; they were both needed in the Order of the Phoenix, and nobody knew what the next day would bring. Remus felt justified in remaining exactly where he was, keeping his feelings to himself but secretly rejoicing every time somebody paired him with Tonks on some overnight mission".

This is so sad and cute, and that's undeniable. I cried when I read it. If someone still thinking that Dora forced Remus to marry her after reading this paragraph... I mean... they're probably talking about another book series.

"The age gap!"

I'm so satisfied to know that some Remadora shippers have explained this. When it's about a kid and an adult... OF COURSE IS HORRENDOUS! Because children are not physically and mentally prepared to have romantic relationships. Wizards are legally adults at 17, REMUS MET TONKS WHEN SHE WAS 21!

I mean, many old people abuses of young people innocence, or something. But we all know that Remus wasn't one of those! He really loved Tonks, and that's canon. I don't know what's doing in the fandom people who denies canon facts.

Remus and Tonks were two physically, mentally, and legally adults loving each other.

"Remus didn't love her!"

He was an introvert, Tonks was an extrovert, she made his life better. And of course, I loved the way he introduced himself when he was trying to prove he wasn't a Death Eater:

"I am Remus John Lupin, werewolf, sometimes known as Moony, one of the four creators of the Marauder's Map, married to Nymphadora, usually known as Tonks, and I taught you how to produce a Patronus, Harry, which takes the form of a stag." (Remus Lupin, DH)

Maybe I'm not the only one who perceive he was proud to be Nymphadora Tonks husband.

"I.. I made a grave mistake in marrying Tonks. I did it against my better judgment and have regretted it very much every since". (Remus Lupin, DH)

This phrase makes more sense after reading Remus bio. He used to think that he was "too poor, too dangerous" for her. He thought he wasn't enough for her. He never imagined that she would love him back. He was a werewolf, and of course he knew he was dangerous, you only need to be emphatic to realize he tried to get away from Tonks because he loved her, he didn't want to hurt his beloved woman!

If you don't believe me, read this again. It's in the chapter 11 of Deathly Hallows:

"Don't you understand what I've done to my wife and my unborn child? I should never have married her, I've made her an outcast!"

So, if Remus was trying to escape it's because he loved them, he thought he spoiled their lives. And of course, no one likes to feel that their influence is bad for someone they love!

"Their relationship came from nowhere! They don't have a development"

Well, the saga's name is HARRY POTTER, not The Love Life of Remus Lupin. The story is about the tragic life of this kid and everything he went through to save the world of a cruel and dark villain. I know many readers are young people in love, and they only want to ship everything, but that's not the main topic here, maybe mother's love would be the topic. Of course Ron and Hermione had a development because they were HARRY'S BEST FRIENDS, and they were always with him, from Philosopher's Stone to Cursed Child. Remus and Tonks are minor characters, and it's funny the fact that this usually comes from Wolfstar shippers, so... is Wolfstar more developed than Remadora?! I mean... they can ship whatever they want, Snape and the Sorting Hat, Dobby and Voldemort, anything, but that does not give them the right to disrespect such a cute, tragic and beautiful canon ship as Remadora.

"They are queercoded! Their relationship is homophobic!"

It's surprising to hear this. It's like... people gets angry just because the author doesn't make queer their favourite characters? I will explain why I don't think Remus and Tonks are "queercoded":

Whether through their dress, their behavior, their language, or other subtle forms of implication, queer characters were written or designed to communicate their unstated queerness to those who were searching for representation.

And this is the definition on the website Pride.com:

"Using LGBTQIA tropes and stereotypes to allude to a character's sexuality without explicitly confirming it in the text."

We all know that Disney used queercoding on characters like Ursula, Scar, Jaffar. And why do we know that? Because DISNEY WANTED TO PORTRAY THEM LIKE THAT, get it? Disney, THE CREATORS MADE THESE CHARACTERS INTENTIONALLY QUEER. How? BASED ON STEREOTYPES.

And going back to Remadora, I was really happy to see by first time a bada*ass woman, with short hair who wasn't portrayed as a lesbian just because the way she looks. This character didn't follow the: "Straight women have long hair and are girly", and "short dyied hair is for lesbians". I'm very very very surprised the fandom follows these stereotypes.

About Remus: I don't know how the phrase "being a werewolf is a metaphor about people with HIV AIDS" means "he's gay". Fenrir Greyback bit him when he was a kid. Many people interpret this as "r4pe". Okay, even thinking that it is the meaning of the "bite", I still cannot understand how being "r4ped" and "infected" makes him queer. Is this (again) a stereotype about people with AIDS and gay?

"JK Rowling created Remadora because she didn't like people shipping Wolfstar!"

It is true that fans love shipping everything, they queerbait and queercode everything. That's great, that's not the problem. The problem is when people starts bashing fans who ship canon straight couples. A very good example is the polemic on Falcon and Bucky relationship, some fans wanted them to be a gay couple, Anthony Mackie said that two men can only be friends, and there is no need to always give them a romantic connotation. People cancelled him, they called him homophobic. Yes, just because a person with authority (on the story they're following") didn't like the fact of queercoding their favourite characters. It's the same about Remadora.

Grindeldore is a very interesting and underrated couple by the way. You can love or hate JK Rowling, but the truth is that Harry Potter story is hers, and even if Remadora was "because she didn't like Wolfstar", she is the author, it was her mind where these characters first appeared, as a big Harry Potter fan I respect and like the original story, that's not a sin. An author has the right to make some changes if some characters were misunderstood by the readers.

(Yes, I wrote this a bit angrily since I've seen too much hate towards Remadora shippers)

[keingleichgewicht]

WERE YOU KIDDING ABOUT THE ASK GAME if not i dont have any specific lyrics in mind but i always thought the lyrics to the mill were so cool and maybe you could get some thoughts out of them? :0

YEAH GOD OKAY LET’S TALK ABOUT THE MILL. LET’S TALK ABOUT UHHHHHHHHH [THROWS DARTBOARD]

this line. this MIGHT go on for a while so i will............  readmore

so the mill feels kind of notably different to the rest of the pafl songs, which tend to be unusually literal for lyric, either straightforward retellings of events (punch it, punk!) or character piece monologues set to plot visuals (strike 3) or both (all of them, but for instance particularly comfort zone, which is just dmitry’s horrible manifesto until it gets hijacked by a death sentence in the second verse.) the mill is a lot more like what we expect from poetry these days, which is to say it’s heavy on imagery, low on clarity, and fucking confusing!

I’ll draw a circle in the sand, drive myself around the bend in a desperate attempt to hold on to your battered hand Rocked to sleep beneath the snow, she is bathed in youthful glow ‘Strong enough to let it go,’ he says, but darling, I don’t know

a lot of the mill is about circles. this is in the name: a mill is something which turns. a waterwheel is a circle, a grindstone is a circle. it’s even in the melody: the chorus is a cyclic, pentatonic four-note riff that keeps going up and down and up its own ladder, chasing its own tail, not really reaching resolution. and then it’s also in, you know, the story:

the meat grinder!!!! everyone’s favorite fucking hellhole!!!! it is only semi-explicitly identified in the song but that’s because it’s a concept from the source material - both tarkovsky’s stalker and roadside picnic feature the meat-grinder, as a location nicknamed thus by stalkers because it is even more fucking deadly than the rest of the zone, all of which is already ridiculously fucking deadly, and if you’ve seen the movie:

it is more or less instantly recognizable in the mill as well. so here we have a circle! here we have a mill (the title has about seventy double meanings but this is certainly one of them,) and as it turns out, this mill at least will absolutely kill you. and horribly too. interestingly though, in roadside picnic (the book) the meat-grinder is not a tunnel, and it’s not round - it’s just a nondescript patch of ground which will wring you out like a dishcloth and kill you extremely dead if you walk into it. on the other hand what we have in the book in terms of circles is the golden ball, which is the equivalent of the movie’s the room, which is, well,

in short both stories ultimately hinge upon the idea that there is a something in the zone which can give you your heart’s desire. anything you want. everything you want. whatever you want. it is infinitely powerful; it is infinitely capable. the catch is that it will only give you what you want. the catch is that giving you what you want is not the same as giving you what you are asking for. the other catch is that in both cases you have to get through the meat-grinder first.

(so, by the way, what the fuck, right? does pafl’s zone have a wish-granting factory? is it also behind the grinder? where were the original trio going when they got themselves fucked up? and did they get there?)

but the point is: the golden ball, the wish-granting factory, is also a circle. it’s just sort of a sphere. it’s a big round fuckin yellow thing. you know, sorta like:

which is THE ONLY TIME yellow is used in occam’s razor not counting the full-colour shots, and it drives me CRAZY, but it is also me going full conspiracy board so let’s not even worry about it. THE POINT IS.

the circle is the death-machine and the wish-machine. neither of these things are really.... very good. the circle, or at least the arc, is also very closely associated with death:

(розовая дуга предрассветного, ‘rose arc of pre-dawn’. if i’ve fucked up that nominative please feel free to stone me to death!) 

in the gdoc notes to message lost ferry briefly refers to the dawn as if it were a good thing, the dawn of hope, which is a usage that sort of agrees with the desolate and deathless hope of strike 3′s ‘everything will pass / a day will come,’ but on the other hand it really is very closely associated with dying. nikolai bites it; nikita bites it; sergei and olga left significant chunks of themselves behind. and the thing about ‘this too shall pass’ is that it’s always true, as is ‘everything ends’, but of course that’s ‘cause the thing that ends might be you. and as we know

dawn is an ending. so that seems concerning!

i think the circle, the arc, the bolt falling back to the ground, is not a good thing. i am getting a little conspiracy board here in general but forgive me, i cannot make you a wholesome answer, my wit’s diseased. i think the circle is an enclosed space. it’s an unbroken cycle. it’s the grindstone. it’s the mill. it’s about what pafl’s always been about: about being trapped, about having no chances, about being bordered upon. the circle’s the geometric figure of equidistance from a given point, and you can walk on it forever, and nothing will ever change; you will never get closer, you will never get further away, you will never get out! the sun rises, the sun sets, and you are no closer to anything you wanted. it’s worth noting that anya’s borderline city, the zone-edge port town she complains is trying to crush all her dreams, her mill

is a circle. (a cog in a machine! a grind-wheel! a cage!)

and yura, whose dreams have already been burned out of him, who starts the series already resigned to never getting out of here, calls it ‘this dire deja-vu’, i am specifically resisting putting the accent marks back onto that, which is to say, it’s a repetition that haunts him. it’s going round and round and getting nowhere.

so if we bring it back around: drawing a line in the sand, as the phrase is generally used, means setting a border, means saying this far and no further. often it’s yourself you’re setting the border for. you hit some divide you can’t abide crossing so you say this stops here, it may be too early or too late, but i say it stops here. so logically: drawing a circle in the sand means you’ve locked yourself in completely.

I’ll draw a circle in the sand, drive myself around the bend in a desperate attempt to hold your battered hand

the whole first half of this song, i think, is olga promising to grind herself down in a hundred ways if it means she won’t be left alone. how hard can it be to never let it overflow? she may feel lower than the low, she may wish she could just disappear out here, into the postindustrial rust, but though it gets harder all the time she will keep pretending. she isn’t going to burden sergei, or indeed anyone, with her problems, her fears, her scars. she is hurt, but she’s used to it, she’s gotten used to being haunted long ago. she keeps her bad eye covered. she stays within her circle she has drawn. she keeps going round and round. she will take the smallest sliver of human connection and be happy, she promises she will be happy, she promises she won’t ask for more, she will take just the ‘hello.’

but you knooooow it’s not true. you know it’s grinding her down, that she’ll be milled to nothing pretty soon, and really she knows it too.

i am perhaps seventy percent sure that this line is a reference to the windmills of your mind by michel legrande, which features such lines as

Like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of its own Down a hollow to a cavern where the sun has never shone Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind

which on one hand seems sort of obscure to be a purposeful reference but on the other hand would be a hell of a coincidence if it wasn’t, wouldn’t it. either way it characterizes circles ambiguously, but definitely unsettlingly. going around in circles is chasing infinity, but what in god’s name would you do with it if you caught it? what are you even hoping to accomplish? and: 

the second half of this song is bitterer, sharper - staring down the mouth of the meat-grinder she’s a little more willing to admit to herself that this is going nowhere. she is running out of cages to keep herself in. she is very tired. it’s easy to say why don’t you leave it all behind, it’s easy to say, she’s strong enough to let it go, it’s easy to say, too strong to die. it is a lot harder to actually live.

this is also where the flashbacks admit to us how badly hurt they really were - sergei with his whole side in shreds, she still hides her eye but at least we get to see it’s bleeding. this moral compass is forever misaligned, she says, so there is damage, and it is lasting. and she can’t settle for hello, she can’t live like this, she needs someone by her side. the trouble is whether she can believe she has any hope of getting that

as for who ‘her’ is, or the ‘she’ of ‘she is bathed in youthful glow’, i figure there’s two possibilities: either it’s nadya, who haunts olga too, because nikita’s abandonment of nadya represents exactly what she most fears for herself, or it’s olga’s younger, unbroken, binocular self - both of whom were so young, and so easily hurt, and are now unfindable.

and then there’s this conclusion: ‘the sun will rise, until then / i’ll be waiting for you on the other side.’ which maybe is a sort of hope after all? she’s reached no real conclusions in the zone - she knows there must be hope but she can only barely believe in it - she thinks she is destined to self-destruct. but on the other hand she still has that, a version of sergei’s own ‘a day will come’

you may be hurt, but if you can hold yourself together, you can hope for a dawn someday. an ending. a change. but the trouble’s that there’s more than one kind of ending. and there’s more than one meaning for other side. there are cages, and then there are cages. and you know what else looks like a tunnel, a circle?

staring down the barrel of the gun.

[miserablesme]

The Les Miserables Changelog Part 3: 1987 Broadway Production

Hello, everyone! This is the latest edition in my attempt to chronicle all of the musical and lyrical changes which the show Les Miserables has undergone over the years. This time, we're going through all the changes between the musical as it existed on the West End around 1985-1986 and the revised libretto for the 1987 Broadway production.

In some ways, this is a much easier changelog to compile than the last two simply because it is much easier to find audio evidence of the show from this era than from its pre-1987 self. We have a full soundboard of the original Broadway cast as well as a very good quality bootleg of the very first Broadway preview, as well as several audios from the next few years which use exactly the same script. We also have an officially released Symphonic Soundtrack which almost (but not quite) follows this version of the libretto exactly. So no more relying on unclear bootlegs and speculation to figure out what was changed when!

Having said that, the changes in this production were MASSIVE. It's almost certainly the most extensive edit the show's libretto has received to this day. As such, this will be a very long edition of this blog. So make sure you have a bit of time on your hands before reading it! With all that cleared up, let's begin.

The first change literally can be heard as soon as the musical begins. The pre-Broadway show opens up with the same recurring motif also heard, for instance, at the openings of "At the End of the Day" and "One Day More". This music then transitioned to the instrumentals to the opening "Work Song". The post-Broadway libretto cuts right to the chase, with the opening instrumentals to the "Work Song" starting right up without any preamble.

One interesting little non-scripted change occurs later in the "Work Song", but only in American productions. For whatever reason, every American Javert from the original Broadway cast until the first Broadway revival sang "And I am Javert" instead of "And I'm Javert", for reasons that honestly baffle me. Again, the libretto retained the original contraption as far as I'm aware, and the West End production as well as later UK and Australian tours still used it as well.

The next change happens while Valjean is on parole. After Valjean pleads against the farmer underpaying him, this was the farmer's original response:

Do you believe

A yellow ticket of leave

Allows a criminal like you to earn full screw?

Since Broadway, his response is instead as follows:

You broke the law

It's there for people to see

Why should you get the same as honest men like me?

I much prefer this revised version. Though the information is essentially the same, it feels more dramatic, as well as feeling less awkward now that it is in the form of separate sentences as opposed to a single sentence spoken in three lines with pauses in between. Moreover, the phrase "honest men like me" as used here provides interesting foreshadowing for its more well-known usage in "Master of the House". One could spend quite some time analysing the implications of this recurring description, but this blog is long enough as it is so now isn't the time!

In the same number, originally the innkeeper's wife had the following remark:

My rooms are full

And I've no supper to spare

I'd like to help you really, all I want is to be fair

Since Broadway, her line has been slightly modified:

My rooms are full

And I've no supper to spare

I'd like to help a stranger, all we want is to be fair

I suppose "I'd like to help a stranger" sounds less slang-y than "help you really". Presumably this is why it was changed. I find the change of subject from singular to plural far more interesting. My hypothesis is that the writers wanted to make it clear than this is a communal grudge, not a personal one. Everyone around sees it as perfectly fair to deny shelter to a former convict, not just this one individual. I definitely prefer the revised line, but evidently the producers of the West End production didn't; that production held on to the original lyrics for more than a decade after they were originally revised! More on that in a later edition of this blog...

A more minor change can be heard during "At the End of the Day". Originally, Valjean asks the factor workers "What is this shouting all about?" The Broadway script changes this to "What is this fighting all about?" Much less trivial implications now. I'm curious as to whether or not a staging change may have accompanied this. Usually the two workers get into quite a bit of physical scuffle by this point, far beyond the realm of shouting. Did the original pre-Broadway production use more subdued choreography?

"The Runaway Cart" has some noticeable differences. After Valjean asks the townspeople for help, the original response was sung by the entire ensemble, and went as follows:

(SOLO)

Don't go near him, Monsieur Mayor

There's nothing at all you can do

(ENSEMBLE)

The old man is a goner for sure

Leave him alone

The Broadway libretto revised this into a sequence sung by one individual at a time with the following lyrics:

Don't go near him, Monsieur Mayor

The load is as heavy as hell

The old man is a goner for sure

It will kill you as well

A female ensemble member sung "The old man is a goner for sure" while a male member sung the rest. I sort of like it better as an ensemble piece (something that would be largely brought back in later years, as I'll soon discuss) although I think it's cool that it rhymes now. Having said that, I'm fairly confident that no one in the real world has ever actually used the phrase "Heavy as hell"!

An official change in the libretto occurred in "Who Am I?" but listeners to the original Broadway cast would not have heard it. While the pre-Broadway show had Valjean refer to "This innocent who bears my face", the revised libretto instead refers to "This innocent who wears my face". Perhaps a means of avoiding repetition, given that the word "bear" is used again later in the number? Regardless, Colm Wilkinson didn't actually bother to adapt to this change! He still sings "This innocent who bears my face" in the Broadway production (as well as the tenth anniversary concert; not until his 1998 stint in Toronto did he ever start singing the revised lyrics). Since every future Valjean (except Ivan Rutherford for some reason) sings "wears", I still see it as appropriate to mention here.

At the end of the song, Valjean's "You know where to find me!", used on and off in the Barbican previews before becoming a settled part of the production by the final pre-Broadway libretto, is once again removed for the Broadway show. However, the West End production would keep it for a few years - more on that later...

Just listening to the original Broadway cast, one might think Javert's "Dare you talk to me of crime?" becomes "Dare you speak to me of crime?" However, this seems to be a Terrence Mann-exclusive change. Every Javert after him reverts to the original lyrics (as did Terrence himself when he returned to the musical fifteen years later). I'm still making note of the change here for the sake of clarification.

An instrumental change occurs between "Castle on a Cloud" and "Master of the House". Mme. Thenardier's "You heard me ask for something and I never ask twice" was original followed by three bars of notes, then by six more bars of notes that are identical to each other. After the Broadway production, however, those six bars of notes grow increasingly more dramatic as they go on.

A very slight change happens during the preamble to "Master of the House". Originally one of the guests proclaims "Hell, what a wine" while the revised libretto instead has him claim "God, what a wine". Definitely more natural in my opinion, though not a huge difference by any means.

A few subtle differences exist in the "Waltz of Treachery" number. First off, Thenardier originally asks "Have we done for your child what is best?" The Broadway libretto changes "your child" to "her child". I personally like the original lyric better, as it goes back to the idea established earlier that Valjean is metaphorically bargaining through the spirit of Fantine. It's definitely not a difference that makes or breaks the number, though.

Towards the end of the song comes another change that cannot actually be heard by listening to the original Broadway cast. In the pre-Broadway show, Valjean used the line "Let us seek out a friendlier sky", while the revised libretto has him say "Let us seek out some friendlier sky". However, Colm Wilkinson once again doesn't bother to adapt to the change, and unlike the "Who Am I?" change he wouldn't learn it over time either. He continues to sing "a friendlier sky" throughout his on-and-off performances as Valjean, right up to and including his 2002 run in Shanghai!

After the bulk of the number comes a more significant change. Prior to the Broadway production, as was discussed in the last entry, the "Waltz of Treachery" was followed by about forty-five seconds of vamping and then this exchange in the tune of "Castle on a Cloud":

(LITTLE COSETTE)

We're going home right now, monsieur

What is your name

(VALJEAN)

Now my dear

I've names enough, I've got names to spare

But where I go, you always will be there

Nor will you be afraid again

There is a sun that's shining yet

(LITTLE COSETTE)

I'm going to call you my Papa

(VALJEAN)

I'm going to call you my Cosette

The Broadway libretto replaced it with just under twenty seconds of vamping, followed by a sequence in the tune of the "Waltz of Treachery":

(VALJEAN)

Come Cosette

Come my dear

From now on I will always be here

Where I go

You will be

(LITTLE COSETTE)

Will there be children

And castles to see?

(VALJEAN)

Yes, Cosette

Yes it's true

There's a castle just waiting for you

This is followed by another fifteen or so seconds of vamping, and then the humming duet between Cosette and Valjean carries on as before.

Arguably the biggest change in the entire edited libretto happens now. Whereas the number was originally directly followed by "Stars", things have been moved around so that it instead transitions directly into "Look Down". "Look Down" itself receives a lot of adjustments. First off, the number began in the pre-Broadway musical with a bar of music that was then repeated. The Broadway version only plays the bar of music once, and the sung part happens immediately afterwards.

Gavroche's verse receives some lyrical updates. Originally it used the following lines:

This is my school, my high society

From St. Denis to St Michel

We live on crumbs of humble piety

Tough on the teeth, but what the hell?

If you're poor, if you're free

Follow me, follow me!

The Broadway production rewrote that sequence a little:

This is my school, my high society

Here in the slums of St Michel

We live on crumbs of humble piety

Tough on the teeth, but what the hell?

Think you're poor? Think you're free?

Follow me, follow me!

Better lines in my humble opinion; "slums" conveys the poverty of Gavroche's community much more effectively than the original line, and phrasing the "poor" and "free" lines as questions is more dramatic than their original statement form.

The old beggar woman's original "You give 'em all the pox" becomes the less grammatically accurate "Give 'em all the pox" for Broadway, though I have no idea if the original "You" was part of the libretto or simply an improvisation. Since seemingly all actresses used that line for the first few years of the West End production, it strikes me as warranting a mention.

Right after this comes another change. In the pre-Broadway show, the argument between the beggar woman and the prostitute was followed by an exchange by a few individual beggars. All of the following lines were said by one person at a time, the first three being said by female beggars and the last one by a male beggar:

When's it gonna end?

When're we gonna live?

Something's gotta happen, dearie

Something's gotta give

The Broadway libretto changes this to an ensemble piece performed by all the beggars simultaneously:

When's it gonna end?

When're we gonna live?

Something's gotta happen now or

Something's gotta give

I really like the switch to a group effort, as it really emphasizes that the beggars are a community sharing the burden of poverty. It really feels like an epidemic to an extent that it doesn't when it's just a small conversation. Evidently the producers of the West End show didn't agree with me though, as they held onto the original sequence for more than a decade after the official change, and by that point it had already been largely reverted worldwide! More on that in a later blog...

Originally, the exposition about General Lamarque was given by a few random students (supposedly not specified in the libretto, but in practice portrayed as Combeferre and Feuilly). Some ensemble dialogue between beggars was put in between. Feuilly sings over the end of the ensemble's lines - but many have speculated that this was not intended by the writers, as the background music sounds super out of sync with his singing! Here's how the scene went:

(COMBEFERRE)

As for the leaders of the land

As for the swells who run this show

Only one man and that's Lamarque

Speaks for the people here below

(BEGGARS)

Something for a meal

Something for a doss

Something in the name of Him who died upon the cross

On the cross, come across

On the cross, come across, come across

(FEUILLY)

Lamarque is ill and fading fast

Won't last the week out, so they say

With all the anger in the land

How long before the judgement day?

Before we cut the fat ones down to size?

Before the barricades arise?

Fortunately, the writers of the Broadway libretto had the sense to change the purveyors of the message into people actually relevant to the show's plot, namely Marius and Enjolras. Moreover, the beggars' dialog was rewritten into a sequence that feels far less clunky to me. The background music was fixed to account for the solo singing (now done by Marius) overlapping the beggars' lines, so it is now perfectly in sync. Here's the edited exchange:

(ENJOLRAS)

Where are the leaders of the land?

Where are the swells who run this show?

(MARIUS)

Only one man and that's Lamarque

Speaks for the people here below

(BEGGARS)

See our children fed

Help us in our shame

Something for a crust of bread in Holy Jesus' name

(SOLO BEGGAR)

In the Lord's holy name

(BEGGARS)

In His name, in His name, in His name

(MARIUS)

Lamarque is ill and fading fast

Won't last the week out, so they say

(ENJOLRAS)

With all the anger in the land

How long before the judgement day?

Before we cut the fat ones down to size?

Before the barricades arise?

Much better in my opinion! It should be noted that David Bryant instead sings "these people here below", but as far as I can tell every future Marius (or later Enjolras - more on that later) sings "the people, which is the actually phrasing in the libretto.

One final change in Look Down: Gavroche now says that all of Thenardier's family is "on the make", as opposed to the original "on the take". A rather pointless change in my book, though it certainly doesn't hurt anything.

"The Robbery" is another heavily edited number. Thenardier's line after acknowledging Brujon, Babet, and Claquesous was originally as follows:

You Montparnasse, watch for the p'lice

With Eponine, take care

You've got all the hash, I've got all the cash

The Broadway show rewrote those lines into their still-current form:

You Montparnasse, watch for the law

With Eponine, take care

You turn on the tears, no mistakes my dears!

This changed lyric more naturally transitions the scene into the gang's actual plan, though the original is an interesting continuation of Gavroche's recollection of Thenardier once running a hash house.

Mme. Thenardier's response is also altered from the original lyrics:

Here come a student from our street

One of 'Ponine's peculiar gents

Our Eponine would kiss his feet

She never showed a bit of sense

Into the current ones:

These bloody students on our street

Here they come slumming once again

Our Eponine would kiss their feet

She never showed a scrap of brain

It's interesting how the edit shifts the focus from Marius in particular to the students in general. It seems that Mme. Thenardier is less aware of the specifics of her daughter's personal life now, something that makes sense for her character.

After Mme. Thenardier's "You'll be in the clear", there was originally just eighteen seconds of a musical motif (the same one which opens "At the End of the Day" and "One Day More") followed by Thenardier's speech. Since Broadway, it's instead been followed by a few more lines of dialogue:

(MARIUS)

Who is that man

(EPONINE)

Leave me alone!

(MARIUS)

Why is here?

Hey Eponine!

Only now does the musical motif play. But instead of staying silent upon seeing Cosette, Marius now sings "I didn't see you there, forgive me..." Interestingly, in this video of a 1987 performance of the original West End production, Marius just stops without bumping into Cosette as he usually does. This makes me wonder whether or not the bumping was added into the Broadway version, and the lyric was added to accomodate for the blocking change. Of course, this is all speculation; I have no way to know for sure.

Thenardier's con job is also quite a bit different post-Broadway. Originally it used the following lyrics:

How you do? Spare a sou

God will see all the good that you do

Look monsieur, lost a leg

Hero of Waterloo now has to beg

Wait a bit, know that face...

The Broadway libretto edited it into its current form:

Please monsieur, come this way

Here's a child that ain't eaten today

Save a life, spare a sou

God rewards all the good that you do

Wait a bit, know that face...

It's interesting how Thenardier's facade shifts in focus from his own supposed hardship to that of an alleged child. I suppose the latter would be a good bit more effective in convincing passersby to donate!

During "Javert's Intervention", Thenardier now says "It was me that told you so, as opposed to the original "Wot told you so"; however, this seems to be a regional choice to account for a lack of Cockney accent, not an official libretto change. British productions retain the original "Wot".

“The Robbery” ends quite differently. Its pre-Broadway form had Gavroche’s remarks directly follow Javert’s “Clear this garbage off the street!” However, now Javert’s line is instead followed by some instrumentals to a slower version of the same tune as, for instance, “Honest work/Just reward/That’s the way to please the lord” and “He will bend/He will break/This time there is no mistake”.

After these instrumentals come the “Stars” number, now in a much more natural location given that Javert now has a logical reason to be thinking about Valjean!

The number itself is mostly the same, up until the final segment. After Javert’s “Those who falter and those who fall must pay the price”, he originally had the following lyrics:

Scarce to be counted

Changing the chaos

To order and light

You are the sentinels

Silent and sure

Keeping watch in the night

Keeping watch in the night

The post-Broadway show replaced this with a much more climactic remark:

Lord let me find him

That I may see him

Safe behind bars

I will never rest ‘til then

This I swear

This is swear by the stars

WOW, what an improvement! Now the stars are tied much better to Valjean himself, and Javert’s motivation is much clearer!

Now that “Stars” is over, we finally get Gavroche's remarks. The lyrics are the same; however, instead of the tempo progressively getting faster as it goes along, it now gets progressively slower. Interestingly the audio of the first preview has Gavroche saying "mother dear" instead of "auntie dear", but it's back to the original line by the second known original Broadway cast audio. Both audio feature Braden Danner; whether the "mother dear" was a choice on his part or a director's, a flub, or a libretto change that was later reverted is unknown.

"Eponine's Errand" has some significant changes. First off, the original libretto gave Marius and Eponine this exchange:

(MARIUS)

Did you see that lovely girl

(EPONINE)

A lovely two-a-penny thing

The Broadway libretto edited it a little:

(MARIUS)

Eponine, who was that girl?

(EPONINE)

Some bourgeois two-a-penny thing

Marius' request has also been changed from its original lyrics:

Eponine, do this for me

But careful how you go

Your father mustn't know

He'll strike another blow

'Ponine, I'm lost until she's found

Into some far clearer and more direct instructions:

Eponine, do this for me

Discover where she lives

But careful how you go

Don't let your father know

'Ponine, I'm lost until she's found

And yes, the line was "your father" right from day one. Michael Ball flubs it as "her father" on the complete symphonic recording, leading many to assume that was the original lyric which was changed later. But I'm not aware of a single live performance to use that lyric (which doesn't make a lot of sense anyway).

Another side note: Some Marius actors have very slightly changed the third line to "Be careful how you go" or "But careful as you go", though neither lyric is the standard.

Post-Broadway, as the instrumentals to "Red and Black" play, a student (I'm not sure which one) now shouts Enjolras' name before the singing begins.

During "Red and Black", Michael Maguire changes the original "It is easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies" to "Oh, it's easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies". However, this is an individual choice of the actor, not an official libretto change. Every future Enjolras I'm aware of (except Ramin Karimloo for some reason) uses the original line.

An actual libretto change occurs soon afterwards. After Marius' entrance, Grantaire originally asks, "Marius, what's wrong with you today?" The post-Broadway show changes this to "Marius, you're late. What's wrong today?" This makes it much clearer why Grantaire might suspect something is wrong.

Soon afterwards, Grantaire's original line "We talk of battles to be won, and here he comes like Don Juan" is slightly tweaked to "You talk of battles to be won". This is a little more appropriate, since Grantaire isn't actually doing a lot of talking!

After "Red and Black", Gavroche's part is very slightly changed. First off, American performances for a few years would have Gavroche whistle right before everyone quiets down, though I have no idea if this was in the libretto or not.

Secondly, Gavroche's original remark, "It's General Lamarque! He's dead!" is shortened to just "General Lamarque is dead!"

In another contender for the biggest change in the entire edit, the entire "I Saw Him Once" number is totally removed. I have mixed feelings about this. It does give Cosette, a frustratingly underwritten character, some additional content. However, stylistically it's not all that much like any other number in the musical, and it doesn't really add enough information to the show to warrant a whole song. So I say with regret that it was probably for the best to delete the number.

To compensate for the lost number, "In My Life" is lengthened to include the establishing character moments that "I Saw Him Once" originally did. Originally it opened as follows:

(COSETTE)

Dearest papa, can I tell him of this?

How can I tell him the things that I feel?

How could he understand?

(VALJEAN)

Dear Cosette, you're such a lonely child...

The post-Broadway opener is instead as follows:

(COSETTE)

How strange, this feeling that my life's begun at last

This change, can people really fall in love so fast?

What's the matter with you Cosette?

Have you been to much on your own?

So many things unclear

So many things unknown

In my life

There are so many questions and answers

That somehow seem wrong

In my life

There are times when I catch in the silence

The sigh of a faraway song

And it sings of a world that I long to see

Out of reach, just a whisper away, waiting for me

Does he know I'm alive? Do I know if he's real?

Does he see what I see? Does he feel what I feel?

In my life

I'm no longer alone

Now the love in my life is so near

Find me now, find me here

(VALJEAN)

Dear Cosette, you're such a lonely child...

After Valjean gives Cosette his cryptic defense of his secrecy, Cosette had a remark that is sadly incredibly hard to understand in the quality of the recordings we have. It apparently went something like this:

There are voices I hear

That come into my mind

Full of noise, full of fear

When the noise was unkind

In my life

I'm no longer afraid

And I yearn for the truth that you know

Of the years, years ago

Her post-Broadway response is much shorter:

In my life

I'm no longer a child

And I yearn for the truth that you know

Of the years, years ago

Shorter, but just as effective in my book. Plus, the use of the word "child" nicely ties into Valjean's initial remark that Cosette is "such a lonely child", as well as Cosette's frustration that he still sees her as "a child who is lost in the woods".

The next number, "A Heart Full of Love", also has a LOT of rewritten lyrics. First of all, after Marius' "I do not even know your name", these are his original lyrics:

Dear mademoiselle

I am lost in your spell

The Broadway production changed the lyrics into:

Dear mademoiselle

Won't you say? Will you tell?

I suppose this fits a little better with his remark about not knowing Cosette's name.

After Marius and Cosette finally learn each other's names (an important step in a relationship if you ask me!) this was their original way of showing their affection:

(MARIUS)

Cosette, your name is like a song

(COSETTE)

My song is you

(MARIUS)

Is it true?

(COSETTE)

Yes, it's true

The Broadway production rewrote it into the following:

(MARIUS)

Cosette, I don't know what to say

(COSETTE)

Then make no sound

(MARIUS)

I am lost

(COSETTE)

I am found

In my opinion, the rewrite captures the slight awkwardness of young love much better, as well as making a lot more sense!

Immediately afterwards, this is the original exchange:

(MARIUS and COSETTE)

A heart full of love

A heart full of you

(MARIUS)

The words are foolish but they're true

Cosette, Cosette

What were we dreaming when we met?

(COSETTE)

I can sing

(MARIUS)

Dear Cosette

(COSETTE)

A heart full of love...

The Broadway libretto redoes the scene as the following:

(MARIUS)

A heart full of love

(COSETTE)

A night bright as day

(MARIUS)

And you must never go away

Cosette, Cosette

(COSETTE)

This is a chain we'll never break

(MARIUS)

Do I dream?

(COSETTE)

I'm awake

(MARIUS)

A heart full of love...

Almost a totally different scene! The post-Broadway variant is better structured, but I do like the original too.

As the trio of Marius, Cosette, and Eponine exchanges inner monologues, Marius originally has the line "I saw her waiting and I knew". The Broadway libretto changed this to "A single look and then I knew". I kind of prefer the original, as it implies a little more than something as trivial as a cursory glance.

In the closing lyrical overlap of the song, Cosette originally sings "Waiting for you", but post-Broadway she sings "I knew it too". Then, she originally sings "At your call" but post-Broadway she sings "Every day".

During the opening to "The Attack on Rue Plumet", Montparnasse refers to Valjean as "the one that got away the other day" as opposed to his original "the bloke wot got away the other day". However, this is another regional change made for the sake of making sense outside of a cockney accent. The official libretto still had the original lyrics.

A tiny change occurs during Thenardier and Eponine's fight. Claquesous originally thinks it's a palaver and an absolute treat "to watch a cat and its father" picking a bone in the street. The Broadway libretto changed this to "see a cat and a father". Why exactly the writers felt the need to make such a miniscule edit is mystifying to me, but it certainly doesn't hurt anything.

Another change occurs later in the number, after Eponine's scream. Originally this was Thenardier's reaction:

Make for the sewers, don't wait around

Leave her to me, go underground

You wait my girl, you'll rue this night

I'll make you scream, you'll scream alright!

These lines were mixed up a bit for the Broadway libretto:

You wait my girl, you'll rue this night

I'll make you scream, you'll scream alright!

Leave her to me, don't wait around

Make for the sewers, go underground

The post-Broadway variation arguably is a bit less climactic due to it not ending on a threat. However, the original climax isn't all that appropriate since Eponine and Thenardier never actually interact at any later point in the musical. I like that the post-Broadway version ends on something that's actually relevant to the remainder of the show (namely, that Thenardier will be in the sewers). Evidently the West End producers didn't agree with me; this is another line in which the original was kept there for more than a decade (at which point a rewrite closer to the original was already being used worldwide)!

In "One Day More", Javert's "One day more to revolution" is slightly changed to "One more day to revolution". However, the number is otherwise unchanged.

And that's it for Act One! The opening barricade scene to act two has a small change. Grantaire's pre-Broadway "Some will bark, some will bite" was changed to "Dogs will bark, fleas will bite". Makes a lot more sense in my opinion!

The opening to "On My Own" is changed as well. Originally it was performed as follows:

And now I'm all alone again

Nowhere to go, no one to turn to

I did not want your money sir

I came out here 'cause I was told to

The Broadway version rewrote it into the following:

And now I'm alone again

Nowhere to turn, no one to go to

Without a home, without a friend

Without a face to say hello to

A huge improvement in my book. It actually rhymes now, and is far less likely to be misconstrued as ungrateful.

After receiving a massive overhaul not that long before, "Little People" was slightly tweaked for the Broadway show. The pre-Broadway version had this ending:

So never kick a dog

Because he’s just a pup

You’d better run for cover when the pup grows up!

Another line (taken from the original longer version of "Little People" as well as all versions of its reprise) was added for the post-Broadway show:

So never kick a dog

Because he’s just a pup

We'll fight like twenty armies and we won't give up

So you’d better run for cover when the pup grows up!

Grantaire's line afterwards is literally reversed in meaning from the original "Better far to die a schoolboy than a policeman and a spy!" into "What's the difference? Die a schoolboy, die a policeman, die a spy!" This post-Broadway lyric fits better into Grantaire's cynical personality.

A very subtle edit is made in "Little Fall of Rain" (to the point that I only just realized its existence by reading an old internet forum!) Pre-Broadway, Marius asks Eponine "Did you see my beloved?" The tense is changed from past to present perfect for the Broadway libretto, so that he now sings "Have you seen my beloved?"

"Drink with Me" receives quite a bit of editing. The opening few lines are originally all sung by Grantaire:

Drink with me to days gone by

Sing with me the songs we knew

Here's to pretty girls who went to our heads

Here's to witty girls who went to our beds

Here's to them and here's to you

Now, those lyrics are split between various students:

(FEUILLY)

Drink with me to days gone by

Sing with me the songs we knew

(PROUVAIRE)

Here's to pretty girls who went to our heads

(JOLY)

Here's to witty girls who went to our beds

(ALL STUDENTS)

Here's to them and here's to you

A far more touching scene now that it entails an entire group of friends reminiscing about their lives, as opposed to the thoughts of one heavily drunk individual.

Originally this was followed by a segment by the male ensemble:

Drink with me to days gone by

To the life that used to be

At the shrine of friendship never say die

Let the wine of friendship never run dry

Then, this was followed by the same lyrics, but sung by the male and female ensembles overlapping. The Broadway libretto removes that and replaces it with an all-new segment with Grantaire. It's much more cynical and philosophical than his original lines:

Drink with me to days gone by

Can it be you fear to die?

Will the world remember you when you fall?

Could it be your death means nothing at all?

Is you life just one more lie?

The lyrics from the pre-Broadway show, in their male-and-female overlapping form, are played afterwards.

The next change occurs during the Second Attack. Pre-Broadway, this was how the opening lyrics went:

(ENJOLRAS)

How do we stand, Feuilly make your report

(FEUILLY)

We've guns enough but bullets running short

(MARIUS)

Let me go into the street

There are bodies all around

Ammunition to be had

Lots of bullets to be found

Some very small edits were made for Broadway:

(ENJOLRAS)

How do we stand, Feuilly make your report

(FEUILLY)

We've guns enough but ammunition short

(MARIUS)

I will go into the street

There are bodies all around

Ammunition to be had

Lots of bullets to be found

The following exchange also is a bit edited. Here's how it went pre-Broadway:

(ENJOLRAS)

I can't let you go, it's too much of a chance

(MARIUS)

And the same can be said for any man here

(VALJEAN)

Let me go in his place, he's no more than a boy

I am old and alone and have nothing to fear

Post-Broadway, it instead goes as follows:

(ENJOLRAS)

I can't let you go, it's too much of a chance

(MARIUS)

And the same is true for any man here

(VALJEAN)

Let me go, he's no more than a boy

I am old, I have nothing to fear

Finally, Gavroche's final lines are as follows pre-Broadway:

So never kick a dog

Because he’s just a pup

You’d better run for cover when the pup grows up

And we’ll fight like twenty armies and we won’t give…

A small edit is made for the Broadway production, so that the latter two lines are reversed:

So never kick a dog

Because he’s just a pup

We’ll fight like twenty armies and we won’t give up

So you’d better run for cover when the pup grows...

I'd say this is an improvement, since Gavroche's death is all the more impactful when his literal last unfinished words are about growing up.

Not long afterwards comes the Final Battle. Leading up to Enjolras' climactic moment, the original lines went as follows:

(ENJOLRAS)

Come on my friends, though we stand here alone

Let us go to our deaths with our face to our foes

(COMBEFERRE)

Let 'em pay for each death with a death of their own

(COURFEYRAC)

If they get me, by God, they will pay through the nose

(ENJOLRAS)

Let others rise to take our place

Until the earth is free

The sequence was edited for Broadway, giving a bit more breathing space:

(ENJOLRAS)

Let us die facing our foes

Make them bleed while they can

(COMBEFERRE)

Make them pay through the nose

(COURFEYRAC)

Make them pay for every man

(ENJOLRAS)

Let others rise to take our place

Until the earth is free

"Dog Eats Dog" is a very heavily-edited number. First off, the vamping at the beginning originally lasts about 30 seconds. By Broadway, it has been reduced to about nineteen seconds.

After Thenardier's "As a service to the town" line, he originally sung the following lines:

It's a world where the dogs eat the dogs

And the worst is as good as the best

It's a stinking great sewer that's crawling with rats

And one rat is as good as the rest

I raise my eyes to see the heavens

And only the moon looks down

That entire sequence was cut for Broadway.

Soon afterwards, Thenardier originally proclaims "Here's a little toy". The Broadway edit changes it to "Here's another toy", perhaps to make it seem less repetitive after his "pretty little thing" line.

The exact same lines from after "As a service to the town" are repeated in the pre-Broadway number after Thenardier's "When the gutters run with blood" line, with one more line added afterwards:

It's a world where the dogs eat the dogs

And the worst is as good as the best

It's a stinking great sewer that's crawling with rats

And one rat is as good as the rest

I raise my eyes to see the heavens

And only the moon looks down

The harvest moon shines down

Unlike the first instance of those lines, they aren't completely excised for Broadway. They are, however, significantly rewritten:

It's a world where the dogs eat the dogs

And they kill for the bones in the street

And God in His heavens, He don't interfere

'Cause He's dead as the stiffs at my feet

I raise my eyes to see the heavens

And only the moon looks down

The harvest moon shines down

I really like how the edited version focuses more on godlessness than on how gross the sewer is. Not that a lack of a god is inherently sinister; I am quite agnostic myself and I think the unbreakable connection between religion and morality alleged by some is ridiculous. But it is blatantly obvious that Thenardier sees no reason to be moral provided no one will punish him.

As a side note, the 1985 London official soundtrack oddly uses this variant, yet the 1986 bootleg audio I have uses the original. Perhaps the original was experimented with, reverted, and later put in again? Who knows...

After the number, Thenardier now shouts Valjean's name.

The encounter in the sewers between Valjean and Javert originally ended as follows, with Javert's first two lines here in a tune not heard anywhere else in the musical to my recollection:

(VALJEAN)

Come, time is running short

(JAVERT)

Go take him, I'll be waiting at the door

I've never met a man like you before

A man such as you

The sequence was extended for the Broadway libretto, to the tune of "Look Down" and the "Work Song":

(VALJEAN)

Come, time is running short

Look down, Javert

He's standing in his grave

(VALJEAN - simultaneously with the next two lines)

Give way, Javert

There is a life to save

(JAVERT - simultaneously with the previous two lines)

Take him, Valjean

Before I change my mind

(JAVERT)

I will be waiting, 24601

A slight change can be heard in "Every Day". Originally Marius sings that he and Cosette will "remember that night and the song that we sang". The Broadway libretto edited this into the decidedly less medium-aware "remember that night and the vow that we made".

"Valjean's Confession" has been reworked to the point that it can scarcely even be considered the same song. After Valjean's "There's something now that must be done", this was how the song went:

(VALJEAN)

Monsieur, I cannot stay a night beneath your roof

I am a convict, sir, my body bears the proof

My name is Jean Valjean

I never told Cosette, I bear this guilt alone

And this I swear to you, her innocence is real

Her love is true

Our love, our life, are now her own

And I must face the years alone

(MARIUS)

I do not understand what's the sense of it all?

Is the world upside down?

Will the universe fall?

If it's true what you say, and Cosette doesn't know

Why confess it to me?

Why confess it at all?

What forces you to speak after all?

(VALJEAN)

You and Cosette must be free of reproach

It is not your affair

There is a darkness that's over my life

It's the cross I must bear

It's for Cosette this must be faced

If I am found, she is disgraced

(MARIUS)

What can I do that would turn you from this...

After the Broadway rewrite, Valjean's "There's something now that must be done" is followed by this:

(VALJEAN)

You've spoken from the heart, and I must do the same

There is a story, sir, of slavery and shame

That you alone must know

I never told Cosette, she had enough of tears

She's never known the truth, the story you must hear

Of years ago

There lived a man whose name was Jean Valjean

He stole some bread to save his sister's son

For nineteen winters served his time

In sweat he washed away his crime

Years ago

He broke parole and lived a life apart

How could he tell Cosette and break her heart?

It's for Cosette this must be faced

If he is caught she is disgraced

The time is come to journey on

And from this day he must be gone

Who am I?

Who am I?

(MARIUS)

You're Jean Valjean

What can I do that will turn you from this...

The few lines afterwards are the same, but as you can see not much else in the song is! Even the tune diverges a lot between the two variants. I'm very conflicted about which one I prefer. I gravitate towards the final one, though it's nice that the original actually tried to address to confusing notion that Valjean wants to tell his son-in-law of his past yet not his own daughter.

"Beggars at the Feast" originally ended with a solo for Thenardier:

(THENARDIER and MME. THENARDIER)

We know where the wind is blowing

Money is the stuff we smell

(THENARDIER)

And when I'm rich as Croesus

Jesus, won't I see you all in Hell!

The Broadway libretto switched this to a group line:

(THENARDIER and MME. THENARDIER)

We know where the wind is blowing

Money is the stuff we smell

And when we're rich as Croesus

Jesus, won't we see you all in Hell!

I much prefer the revised version, as the two Thenardiers clearly are in this act together. It seems more appropriate to let them both have the last laugh.

A small change occurs in the Epilogue. Pre-Broadway, Fantine sings "You raised my child with love". However, post-Broadway, she instead sings "You raised my child in love".

Another change occurs later in the epilogue. In the pre-Broadway show, Cosette tells Valjean that "It's too soon to ever say goodbye". The post-Broadway libretto instead has her sing "It's too soon, too soon to say goodbye". Repetitive as it may be, I prefer it over the original because the original awkwardly combines language clearly denoting the moment with language implying eternality.

Phew, we're finally at the end! Rest assured this is almost certainly the longest changelog you'll ever be forced to endure. I'm fairly sure it's complete, but this particular rewrite was so extensive it's not impossible that I missed something. Please feel free to let me know if that is the case.

As a side note, both for this project and my own enjoyment, I want as complete a collection of Les Miserables audios as possible. I already have most of what’s commonly circulated, but if you have any audios or videos you know are rare, or some audios that you haven't traded in a few years, I’d love it if you DMed me!

Until the turntable puts me at the forefront again, good-bye…

[critrolesideblog]

Evening falls in the Pearlbow Wilderness with the last of the autumn leaves. A bitter wind heralds the coming of winter as it rattles its way through the skeletal trees, and the veil of gray that has been pulled across the sky all day awaits its cue to blanket the world beneath with snow. So, when a golden-amber light shines briefly in the wilderness, halfway between Erdeloch and Kaltenloch, there is no mistaking it for dying sunlight, which has not been seen by these tree trunks for some time, and it is little surprise at all, when a man with hair the color of a hearthfire appears out of the light with the soft crunch and thump of sturdy boots meeting forest floor.

The man looks north briefly, and then turns in a slow, clockwise circle, his azure eyes, bruised from lack of sleep, searching for any sign of his quarry. He hears the familiar, chittering call of an elf owl, and watches it take to the sky in a flutter of feathers and rustle of tree branches. A smile pulls on one side of his lips, and he hopes the bird is a good omen as he turns the slow circle again, but he finds only trees, trees, and more trees. The wind, delighted to have a new orange toy at its disposal, tugs excitedly at his hair. "Go where the wind blows, I suppose," he says with a sigh, and the leaves on the ground agree quietly that it is really the only sensible way to be getting along.

As he sets off west-northwest, he reaches into one of his coat's many pockets to touch the trinket housed there. It is a small thing, barely larger than a gold coin. He stole it over a year prior from a place far east of here. He turns it over in his pocket four times, before methodically tracing the design on its face with his thumb, a new habit he has picked up in recent weeks as he has searched for the woman it reminds him of.

Night arrives quickly in the autumnal wilderness, and cold quickly follows suit. Luckily, the man knows a thing or two about light and heat. He produces a flame in his unpocketed hand as quickly and easily as most people breathe. Most trees would be perturbed at the sudden appearance of fire in their midst, but the trees of this forest are old and delight in the man's bright magic. You are so close, they whisper as the wind glides across their branches. She is just there. The snow, sensing its cue, begins to fall then, kissing the man on the top of his head, shoulders, and cheeks, melting against his skin like a lover. Come, come, the flurries beckon. You are very close. He does not hear them, but he feels a renewed determination, or perhaps stubbornness, as he sets his shoulders and forges ahead.

It is the light he notices first. He extinguishes the flame in his hand, thinking it a possible trick of eye, but no, he can definitely glimpse a glimmer of light up ahead. He notices the trees next, the way they have created a path for him, their branches curling elegantly overhead like living archways. Finally, pace quickening, he catches the scent of woodsmoke and food on the air. As he gets closer, the glimmer coalesces into a series of arcane lights, like too-still fireflies, leading a path up to the door of a home, now visible in the clearing, and wreathing it in gold. He feels a pang of nostalgia as he is reminded of a tree, far away, glowing with daylight in a city of eternal night.

He blames this rush of sentimentality for his lack of caution as he steps through the final archway. He does not sense the arcane wire until he has already tripped it. He hisses in pain, flinching backward, as bright, white light sears his retinas. Old habit brings his hands instinctively level with his face, palms outward, a position of readiness disguised as surrender. He hears what can only be the door ahead opening with a groan, and a woman's voice calls out from the light, full-throated and wary.

"Who's there?"

"My name is Caleb, Caleb Widogast." He replies, trying his best to keep his voice level and calm, despite his mounting discomfort at the fact that he cannot see. "I mean you no harm. I am looking for someone. I believe her name is Torvi. I met her once, some years ago, and I wish to speak with her, if I may." He pauses to allow a reply, but all he hears is the wind in the branches and the faint crackle of a fire. He can feel his pulse thumping nervously in his throat. He ventures to speak again. "I," he pauses, considering how direct he should be. "I met her in-- in a place called--"

"I know what the place is called." The woman's voice is not soft exactly, but it is no longer quite so sharp. The lights dim back to their firefly glow. "You are not the first person from Vergessen to find their way here." He thinks it might be sadness he hears in her voice and ventures to open his eyes slowly.

As the black splotches on his vision reduce, the woman comes slowly into focus. He notices first the book in a sling on her hip, dark leather stark against the golden yellow of her dress. Next, the dishcloth in her hands, giving the impression of being caught in the middle of a chore and undoubtedly hiding any number of spell components. It is not Torvi. Torvi's face is the first clear memory he has after ... after. He thinks he sees a resemblance, in the shape of her eyes, the sweet-apple roundness of her cheekbones, the broad curve of her nose, the pointed slope of her ears. Her jaw is different, though, more square, her shoulders more broad, her stature just a bit too tall. "May I ask who you are?"

"I'm Maeve, Torvi's sister." She beckons him with a tilt of her head. "Come on in."

Caleb approaches with greater caution this time, as Maeve steps back, opening the door further. He casts Detect Magic with a practiced twist of his hand and spots no further traps on the path ahead of him -- at least, none that are currently activated. There are, however, a dozen different wards that he can see around the perimeter of the clearing and a dozen more traps besides. It is some of the most intricately woven Abjuration magic he has had the pleasure of witnessing, and he regrets, for just an instant before he steps through the doorway, that he does not have time right now to investigate it further.

His beleaguered eyes adjust to the candle and firelight of the interior to take in a simple but well-appointed home. There are cabinets and a large work bench along the far wall. Herbs of all varieties hang from the rafters. There is a bookcase filled to bursting with books of all sizes, some of which glow with magic. There is a large dining table, crowned with a steaming cauldron of stew, and there, in a chair by the hearthfire, is Torvi. She has a blanket pulled around her, and she is leaning against one side of the armchair, her arm curled beneath her chin as a pillow, gazing into the hearthfire, seemingly lost in thought, or perhaps, just lost. She gives no indication that she has noticed him enter.

He has had weeks to get used to the idea of her being alive and not dead, as he had assumed her to be from the moment Ikithon took posession of her holy symbol all those years ago, but no amount of mental preparation could have prepared him for the experience of seeing her there exactly as he remembered her.

"This will hurt." The first words to cut through the clouds in a decade, as the heart-shaped face of a half-Elven woman, with dark-brown skin and sunlight-on-honey eyes, comes into focus, her warm hands caressing his face. "Like saltwater on a wound, it is necessary. There is so much you may yet do." Her expression shifts, then, from an apologetic smile to slack-jawed awe. Her eyes are bright as they rove across his face. "I see the face of Corellon in you."

Now that he is within the warmth of the home, Caleb cannot attribute the tingling numbness in his face and hands to the cold. His heart pounds against his ribcage, as desperate to escape as he suddenly is, but he manages to draw in a deep, shaky breath. Breathe, he reminds himself. He  grips the charm in his pocket with all his strength, such as it is, and takes a deep breath again. Eins, swei, drei... It takes him a moment to realize that Maeve is looking at him expectantly. "Sorry?" He croaks.

"I said, if you want to speak with her, you'll have to wait, but if you're not in a hurry, she'll come around soon enough."

"Ah, ja, I can wait." He picks a point on Maeve's cheek, just below her eyes, to fix his gaze upon. Stay on task, Widogast. "I had hoped to speak with you as well. Perhaps, we can do that first." One of her eyebrows quirks upward.

"Alright," she says, after a moment. "We can do that over dinner. You can set your coat and things there" Though her words are phrased as suggestions, her voice rings with the authority of someone used to being listened to, as she motions to a coat rack by the door. Her eyes flick to his pocketed hand. There is still a wariness in the set of her shoulders, and the dishcloth still partly obscures one of her hands. Ah.

Caleb nods in acquiescence and acknowledgment, one paranoid arcanist to another, and removes the hand from his pocket slowly, palming the trinket as he does so. He turns away from her and divests himself of his scarf and coat, keeping the trinket in hand all the while. He keeps his eyes on the wood floor, the cob wall, the curling leaf design of the wooden coat hooks. When he turns back, Maeve has set three places at the dining table. "Ah, none for me, please," he says, waving a staying hand as he crosses to the table. She pauses, ladle suspended in midair, and her eyes pass over his thin form, even thinner now that he no longer has his coat, in frank, skeptical appraisal. Judging by the unimpressed look on her face, she finds him wanting.

"We feed our guests around here," she says, in the same authoritative tone, and ladles soup into each of the three bowls. Caleb's lips form a thin line, briefly, the only outward indication of his inward prickling at this insistence, but he quickly clears the frown from his face. He wants her amenable to his request, and if he has to eat a little, in spite of the knotted nerves residing where his stomach should be, so be it. He notices that his bowl, at least, is more broth than vegetable as Maeve retrieves a large loaf of crusty bread from a cupboard, tears off a large piece for each of them, and settles into the seat across the table from him. "So," she says, before digging into her bowl. "What did you wish to speak to me about?"

Caleb takes a deep breath. "Are you familiar with a man by the name of Trent Ikithon?"

Maeve stills. Her eyes meet Caleb's, wary and discerning. "I know of him -- he is one of the members of the Cerberus Assembly -- but I have never met him."

"Count yourself lucky," Caleb says, forcing his face into a wry smile. He launches into a monologue he has rehearsed many times over the past few weeks, detailing some of the crimes of his former mentor, how Ikithon used Vergessen as a base of operations, the ordeal of his trial and imprisonment, the nigh certainty of the involvement of other Assembly members in Ikithon's crimes, and the painstaking, fruitless search to find anyone willing to testify against them. Maeve's eyes stay on him all the while as she takes in every word with a quiet, steadfast focus that reminds him of another wizard he knows. "So," he says at last, after pausing to eat a small bite of broth-soaked bread. "If there is any evidence you can offer, any testimony of anything you or your sister might have witnessed --"

"No."

Caleb blinks once, twice, three times. "No?"

"No," she repeats, softly. "I admire what you are doing, but we cannot help you."

"If you are afraid of reprisals, I can assure you--"

"I'm fairly certain you can assure nothing where the Assembly is involved," she says, with a cynical smile, "no matter how powerful you or your friends with the Cobalt Soul are. But, nevertheless, I have no evidence to offer. I witnessed nothing, aside from my sister's declining health, which is too circumstantial to be helpful, and any evidence she might offer would not stand up in court of law."

Caleb's shoulders and head curl forward as her words hit him like a blow to the chest. He hazards a glance at the woman by the fire, who has not moved over the course of their conversation. "Is she so unwell?"

". . . No." Maeve drags the word out into two syllables. "She is much better than she was, but..." She taps a quick staccato rhythm against the side of her bowl with her spoon, before gazing across the room at her sister. "Torvi was not insane before she went to Vergessen, only inconvenient. When she was a teenager, she began performing miracles and wonders around our village, and she was not shy about declaring their provenance. She was always blessing people that they may 'walk in Corellon's beauty' or 'may the light of the Archeart guide them.'" Caleb's heart sinks as he guesses where this story is going. Maeve shrugs, her gaze dropping back to her bowl. "We got fined every time the Reapers came to town. The villagers didn't care, so long as their kid was healed or their shop brought in coin -- a blessing was a blessing. But she didn't stop there. She also went after the priest to the All-Hammer that kept the shrine in our village. She said he worshiped the Empire, not the Gods."

"I bet that made her a lot of friends in high places."

Maeve gives a snort of humorless laughter at this, her cynical smile returning. "No kidding. My parents made a deal with the lawmaster: instead of sending her to jail, they agreed that her worship of "false gods"--" she made quotation marks in the air with her fingers "-- was a sign of her obvious madness, and sent her to Vergessen instead." She pushes her soup around the bowl with her spoon. "They thought they were doing her a kindness. But, regardless," her eyes flash up to catch his, hard with grim certainty. "Even if she was completely well, I think we both know the word of a convicted heretic and idolator is worth very little in the eyes of the law."

Caleb rubs his tired eyes with a sigh, as his left hand worries at the charm. He has so much work yet to do. Da'leth, Margolin, Tversky -- they were all too close to the Volstrucker program not to have been involved. They had to be removed from power for any real change to take place, and his search for concrete evidence and testimony had been so fruitless. When he had found record of Torvi's discharge from Vergessen, it ... it had felt like a sign, he admits to himself, cringing a little at the irrationality of it. A sign that perhaps he was on the verge of a breakthrough. He unfurls his hand to reveal the trinket: a small disc of silver engraved with two moons backed by a four-pointed star.

Maeve, glimpsing the symbol, tilts her head curiously. "Are you a devotee of Corellon?"

The idea that someone could mistake him for a devotee of any god is strange enough to make him fumble the charm as he turns it over again in his hand. "Ah, I cannot say so, no. I have never been much for religion."

Maeve's gestures with her chin toward the book holstered at his side. "Why bother with the fickle will of Gods when us mortals can achieve so much on our own?" It is not really a question. There is a book on her own hip after all.

Caleb nods. "That is part of it." He turns the charm over in his hand again, and a memory rises to the surface of his mind: the soft, rhythmic clack-clack of wooden prayer beads as they sift through his mother's clever fingers. She kneels before the shrine of Pelor, eyes closed, the dawn light shining off her burnished copper hair, prayers whispering earnestly through her lips. Much good that it did her. "For a long time, it seemed to me the supposed benevolence of the gods was nothing but a cruel joke." Bless my son that he may live always in Your light. "My view is a bit softer now, but ..." Bless our Empire that we may bring light to the dark corners of the world.

Maeve nods. Her eyes gleam with a cold anger. "I rage at that one, sometimes," she says, her eyes darting toward the moonlit star in his hand. "And argue -- one-sided." A wry smile twists her lips.

The sudden scrape of metal on metal makes both of their heads turn at once toward the front window. It opens with a creak and in hops a tiny elf owl.

Maeve rises and crosses quickly to the window. "You've been eavesdropping, haven't you?" She asks, as she closes the window with a sharp snap. "It's very rude to keep your guest waiting." The owl's head swivels to gaze at Caleb, and he recognizes immediately the familiar glow of Fey magic in the bird's eyes. With another little hop, it takes flight from the window sill and lands on the table a foot from him. There is a long moment of silence as the bird looks him over, this way and that, and -- pip, pip, pip-- hops a little closer, faerie fire still burning its eyes.

Caleb remembers well the safe, comforting distance of viewing the world through a familiar's eyes. "I had a little owl like you once," he says, softly. A smile tugs at his lips as he remembers Frumpkin perched on Beau's shoulder, his tiny feathers ruffled by the ocean breeze. "Well, he was a cat really, but he was an owl for a little while."

"She is a bigger owl really," says the first voice he remembers from Vergessen. "But she is small for right now."

Caleb takes a deep breath. Eins, swei, drei... He forces himself to tear his eyes from the safe visage of the little bird and face her. She is not quite looking at him, but she is facing his direction now. He can see clearly now that the light reflected in her upturned eyes is not fire but Fey. "Do-- do you remember me, Schwester?"

"Of course, I do," she says, voice soft and warm.

Caleb rubs his thumb over the design on the charm one last time. "I brought this for you," he says, holding it out for the owl to inspect. "To replace the one that was taken." The owl bobs its head this way and that in a circular motion, and then snaps up the trinket so quickly that Caleb barely has time to worry for his fingers before the bird is midair again. She lands on the back of the chair, dropping the charm onto Torvi's waiting palm. Her hand closes around it, and as it does, the light in her eyes grows and brightens until they shine like twin stars from her face. They are bright enough that Caleb is not able to look at her long without needing to avert his weary eyes. It is not unlike the ways he has seen Jester and Caduceus' magic manifest at times, and he wonders what visions her deity is granting her, as Maeve resumes her seat across from him.

The room is quiet for a long while, save for the crackle of the hearthfire and the occasional scrape of Maeve's spoon against her bowl. The tiny owl is beginning to doze on the back of the chair, when the light disappears from Torvi's eyes with a blink, and she looks down at the trinket with her own eyes for the first time. "Beautiful," she whispers, as errant tears spill down her cheeks.

"Schwester..." It feels cruel to ask, another sin to add to the pile, but she is here now. Really here, and he has traveled all this way. He has to ask. "Schwester, is there anything you remember about your time at Vergessen, any evidence you can offer, any direction you can point me in, to help me bring down those who used that place for evil?"

Still gazing at the talisman, she tilts her head in a way that reminds Caleb of a curious bird and seems to consider his question for a moment. "You were the first one I restored in that place," she says at last. "Half mad and half cursed, so young and so full of Corellon's beauty and magic." The ghost of a smile curls around her lips as she rubs her thumb over the design on the charm in much the same way Caleb had a moment before. "And now you have done so many beautiful and important things." And ugly and terrible things, Caleb thinks wryly. The scales are not yet balanced.

"I just need to do a little more, Schwester." A phantom, stinging itch starts up in his forearms, and his fingers worry against each other for lack of the charm to turn between them.

Torvi's eyes meet his without warning, and he is caught like a startled creature in the sudden glimpse of sunlight.

"Fuck, if I ever have to sit in a courtroom again, it'll be too fuckin' soon," Beau says, stretching in the dim lamplight outside the tavern. He makes a noise of agreement, and she glances at him. "Y'know, Yasha's got some unfinished business in Xhorhas. We've been talking about taking off for a few weeks, few months maybe, to go back to her old stomping grounds..." She looks at Caleb sidelong, and he can read the concern in the slight shift in the pitch of her voice, the rising of her shoulders, the tilt of her head, though she plays it off well. He knows he looks like shit. It turned out listening to weeks of testimony against his abuser was not a great aid to his already-fitful sleep.

"Gut." He says, and he means it. "It will be good for her to get some closure. She deserves it, and you both deserve some time to yourselves." He offers her a smile he hopes is reassuring.

She nods, and between one breath and the next, her arms are around him. He allows himself to lean into her vice-like grip, hugging her back as hard as he can. "Take it easy, while we're gone, alright, man? We'll kick some more Assembly ass when we get back." She releases him at last and gives him a pat on the cheek. "Get some rest, man. You deserve it."

Caleb feels the heavy weight of his allotment of Trent Ikithon's platinum and gold in his coat pocket and knows that he does not. "Ja," he says. "I will. There's just a little more to do."

"And then what?" The question snaps Caleb's attention back to the present. Torvi is peering at him, her eyes seeming to search in his for an answer. "A little more, and then what? After you find this evidence you need, will it be a little more still, or will you rest?"

If he found evidence against Da'leth and the others, there would be more trials. The web would unravel further still, and he would have new threads to follow. Not to mention, the problem of the ex-Volstrucker scattered to the winds. "Well, you know what they say," he says with a sardonic grin. "There is no rest for the wicked." Torvi does not return his grin.

"You are not wicked." She says this with such certainty that it sparks a small flame of anger in his chest.

"How do you know?" He asks, more than a little petulantly.

"I know." And there is something in the compassionate depths of her sunlit eyes that makes Caleb think, inexplicably, that she does know. She knows what transpired before Vergessen and since. The flame in his chest is quenched thoroughly. He tears his gaze from hers at last, eins, swei, drei... "Alas," she continues, once his breathing has evened out again. "My memories from Vergessen are... muddled." She concludes quietly. "But if I think of anything helpful, I can contact you." He nods, his eyes on the floorboards, as disappointment washes over him.

"I suppose I'll be on my way then." He says, quietly, and rises from his seat. Maeve rises with him.

"I'd like a favor from you before you go," says Torvi, as he turns from the table. He looks up, in surprise.

"Name it."

"I'd like you to hold onto this for me," she says, holding the talisman out with a smile. "I'm always losing mine."

"It's true," mutters Maeve. "I'm always finding them in strange places."

"This one means a lot to me," Torvi says. "I don't want to lose it." She holds the charm out toward him insistently. "Keep it safe for me."

Maeve looks at him sidelong and sighs. "If you don't, she'll just find some way of sneaking it into your pocket as you leave."

"It's true," Torvi agrees, and there is mischief twinkling amidst the warm affection in her eyes, a particular mix that reminds him strongly of Jester. He crosses to her to take the trinket back, and as he does so, her fingers catch his. He feels a familiar warmth settle over him. "May you walk in Corellon's beauty, Bruder." When Maeve had said the words earlier, they had sounded trite to Caleb's ears, but Torvi's benediction was infused with such sincerity.

Caleb bends forward slightly, brushing his lips against her knuckles. "Danke, Schwester." She smiles at him warmly, as he releases her grasp and pockets the trinket.

Maeve opens the door for him as he hastily dons his scarf and coat and steps out into the frigid air. To Caleb's surprise, she follows him out onto the step, closing the door behind her. The clearing is now covered in a thin layer of snow, and their breaths create little puffs of fog in the dim glow of the arcane lights. Maeve leans out past the eave of the house for a moment to look up at the sky, but the stars are veiled with clouds. She frowns and straightens, crossing her arms. "Can I give you a little advice?" She asks, her voice pitched low, eyes following the meandering descent of a snowflake.

Caleb watches the snowflake, also, watches it spiral and drift, until it is lost in a sea of shadow. He is not sure he wants advice. He wants evidence, a direction to go in. He has lost his only lead, and now, he is back at square one.

"When I'm stuck on a spell," Maeve continues. "I find the best thing to do is take a break. Then, when I'm doing laundry or gardening or whatever, the solution will come to me." She reaches out a hand past the eave to catch some of the falling snow. "Even the Wildmother can't bloom all the time." A strong gust of wind swirls around them then, trying its best to push Caleb northward. Caleb adjusts his scarf and coat to stop its icy fingers from trailing down his neck, and Maeve shrugs. "Take it or leave it."

"Thank you," Caleb says with a nod. Maeve nods back and turns to re-enter the house, closing the door behind her with a soft thud.

Caleb steps off of the porch, re-casting detect magic with a twist of his hand. He wants to be well clear of the Abjuration magic before he attempts to teleport. The snow crunches under his boots as he makes his way down the row of lights, and the wind whistles in the tree branches and tries, once again, to tug him northward, pulling at his hair this time, loosening it from its tie.

The sharp, clean smell of the fresh snow reminds Caleb of Eiselcross... of Essek. The thought of reuniting with Essek had been a light at the end of the tunnel, during Ikithon's trial. He had even spent time crafting his own Sending spell, so he could contact Essek once the trial was over. When the day came, it had felt too selfish to use it. There was still so much to do.

And Essek isn't the only thing awaiting him in Eiselcross. In the underworld of Aeor lies a crucible, a final test of his tentative, hard-won, untrustworthy goodness.

Caleb walks much further than he needs to. The snowflakes try to kiss his worries away. When this doesn't work, they stop falling, leaving only the wind carding its fingers through his hair with alternating sweetness and frustration. It whistles some more to catch his attention, but he is too lost in his spiraling thoughts to hear it.

He does hear another noise, though, or thinks he does. He cannot find the little owl when he looks up to the tree branches, but he does see a star. A single star, bright enough to shine through a thinning in the veil, twinkling, safe and familiar...

Caleb swears under his breath and yanks a copper wire out of his pocket, before he can think better of it. He shapes it much like he has seen Jester do numerous times and takes a deep breath. He visualizes Essek, his lilac eyes, his high cheekbones, the iridescent freckles dusted across his twilight skin, the elegant curve of his jaw, the small dimples that appear on his cheeks when he smiles, really smiles, and speaks the magic word. "Hallo, Freund, I--" It occurs to him suddenly that, although it is a very reasonable 6:13 in the evening in this part of the Pearlbow Wilderness, it is much deeper into the night at Vurmas Outpost. "I apologize I didn't think of the time. I hope I'm not disturbing you." Nine words left. "Thinking I'll travel to you soon... to exchange theories?" The words leave his lips with the ghost of a smile, and he thinks he hears a smile in Essek's voice as well, when he responds:

"Caleb Widogast, it is good to hear your voice no matter the time of night. I can think of nothing else I would rather do."

.

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Notes: I rather extended the limits of Read Object and Read Mind from the Knowledge Domain descriptions, because.