#that is exactly the reason any rockets would be fired at them to begin with

[worstloki]

People in Israel will say you don’t know the fear of having to run to the nearest bomb shelter because sirens went off and that’s why it’s justifiable to destroy Palestine (and every other country around them)

[autumnmobile12]

Villain Deku AU

Most of the time when I see the Villain Deku AU, he's often crazy, and while I do love that concept, I really want to see more sarcastic, cinnamon roll 'Moxxie from Helluva Boss' vibes.

Shigaraki: And that's the plan, any questions?

Deku: Uh, yeah, what was that?

Shigaraki: That wasn't a question, Deku.

Deku: That wasn't a plan.

...

Remember my League of Morons vs A Summer Camp post?

Deku can fix that.

Shigaraki: All right, smart ass, you think you can do better?

Deku: I actually can. Your first mistake is attacking the second night of the camp. Let them all have their summer camp fun. By the end of a single week of non-stop, hardcore training, they'll be exhausted and less likely to fight off a surprise attack efficiently. Now, before the camp begins, we'll need Spinner to drive out there. You're the only one of us who hasn't committed any significant crimes yet.

Spinner: Why is that important?

Deku: *smiling cheerfully* Because you're a civilian. The Wild, Wild Pussycats aren't going to think it's weird if a civilian drives up to their base asking for directions through the mountains. Just make sure you have nice, dead battery for your cell phone. Ooh, or you could park on the road with a low tank of gas and walk up to their base! That'll sell it.

Spinner: Sell what?

Deku: You're getting the exact coordinates of the building for Kurogiri, of course. Once we have that information, he can open warp gates beneath our target while he's asleep and let gravity do the rest.

Kurogiri: You suggest we strike at night?

Deku: Right. You want to kidnap Kaachan, so we do it covertly while everyone's asleep. After that, if you really want to send a message to the heroes, we can always seal up the doors and windows, then Mustard can gas the building. Or Dabi can burn it to the ground. Your choice. Painless death in their sleep or painful death by fire?

Dabi: ...holy fuck, that's insane.

All-For-One: *through the computer monitor* Intriguing proposition, Deku. I suppose you have a back-up plan in case something goes wrong.

Deku: About that, it's entirely possible one of the Pussycats or UA teachers will be on look-out and if that's the case, Eraserhead will be the biggest obstacle. Most of you rely extremely heavily on your Quirks. We'll have to work on that, but in our current time frame, doing so before the summer camp is not feasible. So we'll need to remove the one player who can nullify Quirks. That'll be Mr. Compress's job.

Compress: And how exactly will I do that?

Deku: You'll hit him with a surprise attack. Kurogiri will open a warp gate for you, and the second he does, then you strike. Simple.

Muscular: Yeah, and what about the rest of us?

Deku: You'll be on standby in case Compress fails or draws too much attention to himself. Now about our hostage situation...do we really want Kaachan?

Kurogiri: What do you mean?

Deku: Well I know Kaachan. Despite his violent tendencies, he does have a strong sense of justice and he won't be easy to corrupt. Might I suggest taking the heteromorph students instead? Given society's discrimination problem against what they call the 'non-human' types, they've already got a reason for dissatisfaction with how they've been treated since they were born. Oh, and we should take Yaoyorozu Momo, too.

All: ....why?

Deku: She's rich. Her Quirk is infinitely useful, of course, but even if we can't convince her to join the League, her family will pay us a hefty ransom to get her back. For the record, so will Endeavor if we abduct his youngest son, too. Or we could just ransom the oldest one if all else fails.

Dabi: How the fuck did you know?!

Deku: ...Todoroki Touya allegedly burned up in a massive forest fire and the body was never found. You have a fire Quirk and horrific, full body burn scars and are the age he would have been today. It's not rocket science.

Shigaraki: ...this brat just hijacked my entire plan.

...

He'd quickly become the Bilbo Baggins of LoV, the one who's solving all the problems right up until they get to the fight with Gigantomachia, at which point he says, "No, I'm not helping you this time. He's gotta respect you, this is your quest. I'm not the fighting type, so I'll just sit back and watch." Proceeds to sit quietly and take notes while observing the fight.

Dabi also wasn't helping out with that fight, so every now and then he checks in on their progress. He just shows up, mildly entertained and mostly annoyed by the collective ineptitude (not that he's any better,) and he walks up to Deku.

Dabi: So how many ways have you thought of to defeat him?

Both: *duck as Spinner goes flying over them*

Deku: ...47. How's that recruitment process going? Because you're starting to look way more useful as a bargaining chip for ransom.

Dabi: Says the guy who's just sitting here.

[cyberwulf]

Strange Arrangements Prequel

Chapter 13 is only halfway done. For some reason everyone decided to go shopping. Meanwhile I've had a year to think about how exactly Jessie and Delia got together prior to the events of the story, so here's a summary for anyone who's interested:

The Before-time:

When Ash's father Jack Ketchum finally abandoned his family for good, Samuel Oak was there to help Delia pick up the pieces and carry on. Over time they drifted into a very loose friends-with-benefits relationship. Delia had a child to raise and a business to run and hadn't the time or the desire for a full-on relationship, but some nights she wanted company and he was happy to give it. When it became clear that Ash was going to keep travelling, some part of Delia began to want more, and subconsciously she knew Sam couldn't give more.

Meanwhile, during their years of travelling together Jessie and James had also become friends-with-benefits. They had a number of discussions about it, all of which ended in them tearfully agreeing that if they became boyfriend and girlfriend, every petty argument would turn into one about their relationship, then they'd break up, and who would get custody of Meowth??? No, best to leave things as they were. For the team.

Canon divergence:

Instead of being sent on a top secret mission to Unova, our TRio were fired at the end of Sinnoh League Victors. Too many screw-ups, zero pokémon, and a lot of Giovanni's money down the drain. They drifted towards Pallet town, perhaps following Ash out of habit, camping and making money doing odd jobs and yard work. When they got to Pallet, they made for Delia's diner - partly for some food and partly because the outside needed a bit of a spruce-up. Ash was immediately suspicious but Delia was willing to give them a chance if they promised they weren't with Team Rocket any more. Ash decided to stick around to keep an eye on them just in case it was a trick.

Hanamusa:

Delia put the TRio to work repainting the outside of the diner. There was a spark of attraction between her and Jessie from the beginning - Delia's Jessie's type (albeit Rule 63'd) and Delia got to watch Jessie doing hard work in a very short top. Delia was mildly horrified to find out that the TRio were camping and offered them the attic storage of the diner as a safe place to sleep. She and Jessie got closer as Jessie would sometimes hang around in the diner while Delia was closing up - partly to be near Delia but also partly because she was worried about what they should do next. James was looking to her to be the leader still, and Meowth was very despondent after being fired by his hero Giovanni. Delia found out Meowth could cook and offered him a job in the diner. She encouraged Jessie to start a proper business in landscaping and home repairs and went through the legal forms etc. with her.

Delia managed to get Jessie and James a job doing up a cottage that a former Pallet resident had inherited from an elderly relative. During the course of the renovation James fell in love with the place and asked the client if he'd be willing to sell it. (At this point Jessie stepped in to haggle so James wouldn't get ripped off.) James tapped his wealthy grandparents for the money and they were only too happy to oblige now that he'd finally left that awful Team Rocket. The TRio moved out of the diner's attic and into the cottage once the job was finished.

Jessie's feelings for Delia had been growing, but she'd kept them to herself - surely someone as kind and sweet and good as Delia couldn't possibly like her, she was just imagining all those little signals. Until James sidled up to her one evening, for the first time since they'd been fired, and pointed out that Meowth wasn't home. At that point Jessie felt she had to come clean with him and tell him that aspect of their friendship was over. It collapsed the waveform for her and she awkwardly asked Delia out the next day. Delia hadn't been intimate with Sam for some time at that point, but she broke it off with him gently right away. Sam had been expecting that something like this would happen, especially with Ash no longer needing as much parental attention. He wasn't thrilled that Delia was in love with Jessie specifically, but he took it all pretty well.

That only left Ash. His reaction when Delia asked what he would think if she dated Jessie was to angrily confront Jessie and demand to know if her plan all along was to date his mom to get to Pikachu. Jessie denied it, telling Ash that Delia made her want to be good and made her believe that she could be good. With Ash's (initially begrudging) blessing the two began dating, Jessie ultimately moving in after about six months.

Sad James:

James did not take the emergence of Hanamusa well. He was hurt that Jessie had moved on from him, but after she moved out it was less about that and more about her spending most of her free time with her new family. Meanwhile Meowth often worked evenings and weekends, which left James with the option of hanging around the diner or doing something on his own. More often than not, the "something" was lying on the couch watching TV and drinking soda or something stronger. Both Jessie and Meowth knew that James was feeling down. Jessie felt guilty, even though she did nothing wrong, and Meowth just didn't know what to do for him. So they both just sort of waited for him to snap out of it. Besides, it's James, of course he's lying around Visibly Being Sad. You can't take that seriously. He's the King of Drama.

Which brings us up to Strange Arrangements. Chapter 13 is still being worked on, I promise. Halfway done.

[old-school-butch]

The gaza graph stops at 2020 though?

Yes it takes time to collect data and when there's a war on nobody is a trustworthy source. The numbers generated at the beginning of the conflict seemed far too high to me, and now they seem too low. Identifying and collecting the dead takes time, so we won't know exact numbers for a while, but there's nothing stopping you from using your own reasoning abilities and subtracting the casualties and seeing if it makes an impact. Hamas claims to have 20,000 fighters, at least 5000 have been killed. If the 2:1 mortality ratio to civilians continues in this combat - which is incredibly low for this sort of combat, Gazans will expect to lose 40,000 people if every single fighter in Hamas is killed. I would expect Israel to lose approximately 6-10,000 in the process if they are drawn into house-to-house urban combat. None of the figures we have seen, or are likely to see, indicate deaths on the scale of a genocide for either side.

However - the war isn't over. A lot can change in combat - so far the Israelis have focused on Hamas tunnels, where they can assume 100% of the people in there are combatants and civilians aren't in danger (except, of course, their own hostages which complicates this considerably). That focus has led to a low civilian death count (I know it doesn't sound like it from the Hamas PR machine, but IDF has been extraordinarily precise in its engagements so far). Hamas hasn't really engaged the IDF in open combat - they are no match in training or equipment. They used the advantage of surprise to break the ceasefire on Oct. 7 and make a deadly strike against Israel, but they haven't prepared defensive positions for themselves or shelter for their people in the context of a ground war. Their general tactics offer concealment for their fighters but are deadly for their own civilians - they don't wear uniforms and are indistinguishable from civilians, they fire rocket from house basements and set up snipers in apartment buildings, they encourage civilians not to evacuate so the IDF has to stop and pause and find their correct target with every engagement. But on the whole, Hamas seems to have mostly mingled with civilians and fled south, which now necessitates an entirely new assault and plan to follow them there, and more relocation and lack of humanitarian supplies for the civilians getting shuffled around. I don't know how that will go.

Gaza city isn't as destroyed as Fallujah or Mariupol - but many people will return home to find rubble. The tunnels Hamas has dug all over the city weren't exactly up to code, and the bunker-busting bombs the IDF has used to collapse the tunnels has destroyed buildings that were not targets, but just near targets - collapsing into the sinkholes when the tunnels collapse. That's damage on top of just conventional fighting above ground. Rebuilding will be difficult and expensive. Hamas has, historically, said that building and education is the job of the UN, not them. I doubt the PIJ is any different. The UN might take on the task, but taking care of the humanitarian elements will allow any new leadership to focus all their efforts on the next jihad, so that can't be ignored. Israel might re-occupy Gaza and rebuild - mostly for their own security concerns - but I don't think that's a great option for anyone. If Palestinians want self-government of their own state, it's time to get on with that process and declare a state, form a government, and then go about normalizing relationships with its neighbors and start rebuilding. In the long run, peace is not just running from one ceasefire to another. An actual peace must be established, allowing everyone to flourish in a future they can build on.

[fancoloredglasses]

[RERUN] FLASH! AH-AHHHHHHHHH! (conclusion)

[All images are owned by Universal Pictures and King Features Syndicate. Please don’t sue me]  

[Thank you for taking this journey with me. I hope you enjoyed the format. If you would like to see more like this, please let me know]

PREVIOUSLY ON...

Flash Gordon, Dale Arden, and Hans Zarkov have traveled to the planet Mongo to attempt to save the Earth from Ming the Merciless, who will crash the moon into  the  Earth in (by Zarkov’s estimate) about 14 hours. Prince Barin of Arboria has joined Flash in his quest, and together they defeated Ming’s chief advisor Klytus. In retaliation, Ming has imprisoned Dale, Zarkov, and Barin. He then made an offer to Flash to join him to save the Earth, but...well, the clip that begins the conclusion of our story will explain the rest.

(Thanks to Fandango Movieclips)

(Was there any doubt he’d escape?)

Meanwhile, Vultan and the Hawkmen have retreated to Arboria. (you’d think the Arborians would be pissed at them, given how Vultan captured Barin, then allowed him to be imprisoned by Ming...) Vultan is wishing he’d have saved Flash and the others in hindsight.

Naturally, that’s when Flash contacts Vultan and lets him know what happened. Vultan agrees to pledge his people to help Flash defeat Ming.

Meanwhile at Mingo City, Dale is being prepared for her wedding (hopefully under armed guard, given how she skipped out on Ming’s last booty call) when for some reason Aura is tossed in the room as well. (shouldn’t she be in a cell somewhere?)

After a brief pillow/cat fight, Aura convinces Dale that she’s a prisoner as well, and tries to convince Dale to murder Ming on their honeymoon, but Dale takes the high road (despite the fact that she knows Ming will go back on his word to spare Barin and Zarkov if she cooperates)

Outside Mingo City, Flash approaches on the rocket cycle (is he lost?), prompting the city’s weapons to open fire. Fortunately, they have the accuracy of “elite” troops from a certain other Empire.

Flash retreats as General Kala orders the military to send out one or their warships, Ajax, to kill him and bring back proof it actually happened this time (making her the smartest member of the Mongo military)

Ajax chases Flash to a large cloud. Ajax then charges the cloud with enough electricity to kill him...

...if he was actually hiding in the cloud and not on the other side of it with the entire Hawkman army. Finally, the captain of the Ajax is tired of waiting and goes in after Flash. I’m sure he wasn’t too pleased when he saw what was on the other side.

(Thanks again to Fandango Movieclips)

With the main hull now breached, Flash and Vultan easily take the rest of the ship.

Back and Mingo City, Aura manages to escape (because Ming’s soldiers are idiots) and free Barin and Zarkov.

She then rushes back to the wedding so as to not arouse suspicion from Ming as Zarkov and Barin work to take over the military command.

Back at the Hawkman horde, Flash has taken command of Ajax. Vultan reveals his plan to use Ajax as a flying bomb to destroy Mingo City’s defenses so his army can fly in unmolested. 

Flash sets a timer with how much time Earth has left (is there really anything left worth saving at this point?)

Once again, I’m gonna set a real-time timer to see exactly when Earth dies as opposed to when it’s “saved” (I mean, even if Ming is defeated, how are they getting the moon back into orbit? Who’s gonna pay for all the restoration that will need to be done? This and more will be revealed...wait, never mind. There’s no cliffhanger this time, since Sam Jones walked out and all plans for a sequel were scapped as a result) on-screen. My handy-dandy run-time meter has the movie at...

...which means the Earth dies at 1:40:14. So let’s get this final battle started!

Back at Mingo City, the wedding ceremony has started. Who knew “Here Comes the Bride” was the traditional wedding song across the cosmos?

(Flash’s timer says 15 seconds have passed, but my timer says 27 seconds...)

Imperial shuttles have a banners that read...

That Ming really knows how to host a shindig!

In the Command Center, Kala suspects something is amiss as Ajax approaches (again, smarter than the entire Imperial army) and immediately orders all defenses to shoot down Ajax.

The defense field covering the city is keeping those at the wedding from seeing what’s happening, so Kala lets everyone know nothing is wrong...move along.

Vultan tells Flash to set the auto-pilot so they can get out in time. Unfortunately, Flash realizes the enemy fire is too heavy and the only way Vultan can bail out and lead the attack is for him to stay at the controls to provide cover for Vultan.

Back at the Command Center, Barin and Zarkov gain control, killing Kala in the process.

The pair learn that Ajax is about to be destroyed against the city’s defense field and that Flash is aboard, so Barin heads to weapons control as Zarkov tries to do something from there.

(It should be noted that my timer says the Earth has been dead for about a minute)

Finally, Ming makes his appearance and the ceremony can commence. Ming utters vows that clearly show what Ming thinks of the sanctity of the institution of marriage.

Back on Ajax, Zarkov’s timer says the Earth has been dead for over a minute a minute and 47 seconds remaining...

At weapons control, Barin takes over and shuts down the field. You can imagine the look of shock and horror on Ming’s face when, from at least a mile away, he somehow sees Flash at the controls bearing down on him.

In fact, let’s see the 4 minutes or so after the Earth’s death Flash save the Earth at the last second...

(Once again, thanks to Fandango Movieclips)

The escort bot (remember that from Part 2?) informs Flash that the Earth is saved (well, the moon didn’t crash on it anyway...

...although by my timer that happened 5 1/2 minutes ago)

Vultan unilaterally declared Barin the new ruler of Mongo. Seeing as he has an army to back up his words, no one argues. Barin orders an end to all the fighting between the Kingdoms.

From there, we reach the end of our story...

...though there’s a hint that it might not be over. (Given that Jones walked out before shooting ended, I would say yes, it’s over.)

Even (Especially!) with effects that were cheesy back then, the film is a fun ride, especially with von Sydow and Blessed completely going over-the-top in their roles (then again, Brian Blessed is always like that...)

I hope you enjoyed!

[evilwickedme]

@jesswithane I'm making this a reblog because it's too long to be a reply

The image you get from a lot of batfam fanfiction where Jason comes back from the dead is that he comes back mad, that everything he does is motivated by this anger, that the attack on titan tower was this big dramatic moment, etc etc. The UTRH movie I think accidentally contributed to this by showing Jason emerging from the pit already killing, which makes zero sense (why would he have a sword with him as a dead body??).

But the truth is Jason does not come back from the dead particularly angry. He comes back feeling hurt, betrayed, and determined. Even according to Lost Days (which was published after Under the Red Hood but takes place before it), when Jason places a bomb under The Batmobile trying to kill Batman, he doesn't seem angry. Wanting revenge can be hot and unrestrained, or it can be cold and calculated, and for the most part Jason is using his brain here. This is why he doesn't go through with the bomb - he realizes that Bruce wouldn't ever know who killed him, and it would not make for good retribution.

This is even more evident in UTRH itself, where Jason may have emotional outbursts when he comes face to face with Bruce, but even his most violent of actions are almost calm in their execution. He doesn't scream "THIS IS WHAT I DID IN TWO HOURS I'M SO FUCKING CRAZY", he tells the drug lords very simply "I did this in two hours." He doesn't seem to particularly revel in the killing, he just doesn't flinch away from it. There a lot of Batman villains - or generally comic villains - who would stop and smell the blood roses, so to speak. Jason kills because he thinks it's necessary. He kills those lieutenants not even because they're bad people, because he needs to do that to gain control of the Gotham underworld.

Even when he does kill for moral reasons, such as in the scene with Onyx (which I retold with Tim instead in my fic cause I have no idea who Onyx is lmao), he doesn't draw it out. He fights them for a bit, makes sure they're all in one place, and then fires a fucking rocket at them. They die, and Onyx is horrified, but Jason told her exactly what they'd done - peddling drugs to kids, abusing sex workers, etc. He made the conscious choice to kill them and prepared for it by planting that rocket launcher outside the warehouse in the first place.

One of the things I actually like about the movie more than the original comic is that the plan to take over Gotham and the plan to get retribution against the joker are more intimately linked with the decision to antagonize Black Mask, as he's the one who breaks the Joker out of Arkham. In the comic, however, Jason has a hold of the Joker from the beginning, and we actually see Jason beat him with a crowbar. Even though I think this is a worse narrative choice, it reinforces what I've been saying: Jason gets his revenge, he hurts and maims the Joker with the same weapon that the Joker used on him, but he doesn't lose control. He not only does not kill him, but he keeps him alive for several more weeks until the final confrontation with Batman where he asks Bruce to kill the Joker for him.

In short, not only is the Pit Madness trope extremely triggering to victims of abuse and not based in any comics canon, I think it's actively doing a disservice to Jason as a character. It's a misrepresentation of how particular Jason was with the details when he became a villain, and in fact what made him so successful in his debut as a villain is the fact that he had complete control of the situation. He had some anger, yes. But overall I would not call him angry. I would call him vengeful.

Do you ever find yourself slightly resentful of how fanon DC has completely overtaken canon DC? I like fanon most of the time but it is so difficult now to find stories that are based in canon. Batman stories are by far the worst offender.

I'm not 100% sure if you're referring to the fact that a lot of recent stories in the comics are pretty ooc or if you mean fic, but based on the last few days of asks, I'm going to assume you're referring to fandom works specifically. And the answer honestly is yes.

I in general have complicated feelings towards fanon. While certain types of fanon can actually create stories that are more complex - for example most of the Spider-Man fandom has pretty much accepted that Peter is Jewish and has depression and anxiety - or even just make for pretty fun concepts - I just love stalker!Tim okay I don't know what to tell you, or purring!Spider-People!! - the vast majority of fanon is mostly really flat characterization or actively damaging. Going back to Spidey, pretty much every bit of MCU!Spidey fanon is fucking awful. And yeah, a lot of Batfam fanon, especially surrounding Jason - is really fucking awful.

I think it's fine for fanon to exist, but the fact that it so often overwhelms the actual canon stories means that sometimes canon gets actually rewritten in people's minds. Like the people who've been in my inbox recently asking me if pit madness is actually a thing - because if you've had minimal contact with canon, how the fuck are you even supposed to know it isn't? It's so rare to come across a fic that doesn't bring it up, even as a sidenote, and when it doesn't, it's not like it's an active mention that pit madness doesn't exist - it's just there. And it's such a damaging piece of fanon, I know I keep bringing it up but it's because I have to, it's really harmful, especially since it's basically NEVER given a trigger warning. But there's also other annoying fanon - Cass as a perfect angel or Steph being reduced to a waffle fan and Tim to a coffee addict and nothing else and erasing Dick's canonical anger issues entirely, which is maybe my favorite character trait of his (although this one can also be blamed partially on Tom Taylor's terribly ooc writing of the character in the current Nightwing run...).

And the thing is yeah, sometimes we read fic purely for the escaping and the fluff, but I know a lot of us are looking for angst and hurt/comfort and fics that take themes (whether from canon or not) seriously, and it's really frustrating how difficult they are to find. I much prefer a fic that takes Dick's trauma seriously than one that relegates him to supportive older brother only. I much prefer a fic that wrestles with Bruce's inability to love Jason the way Jason wants him to and the physical abuse he's inflicted on his children than one where he's perfect and never done anything wrong. Yeah, I don't mind reading stuff for fun where there's never been anything wrong ever in the batfam. But I'm also low-key upset that my second most kudos'd fic ever is the stupid ooc batfam 5+1 I wrote in an hour. I'd much rather people read hang on which verges on character study and has, you know, themes and stuff. Also parallels, which if you've noticed my tags, are like, my favorite thing.

So yeah, I do dislike the fact that fanon has overwhelming taken over so many fandoms, and especially since batman has become my main fandom over the past few months due to brainrot, I'd love if people took these characters seriously, damnit. But this is what happens when a fandom is so majorly comprised of people who outright admit to have never read a comic in their life.

[britishassistant]

What happens if a new villain comes to town and starts tearing shit up? Like a new rival shows up, falls in love with yuu, and kidnaps them before enacting a huge take over the city scheme, will the NRC and RSA finally come together for the same goal? Or would it lead to chaotic in-fighting in their individual attempts to rescue the reporter and save the city/stop this jerk face from showing them up only for yuu to break out just so they can knock them all upside the head?

Thank you for the ask, dear anon!

“It’s so simple, love.” The villain coos, one hand cupping Yuu’s chin gently to tilt their face up, “Just accept my proposal, and we won’t need to have any nasty accidents where you and the tarmac down there have a...terminal disagreement.”

Yuu glances down at the drop from where they’ve been “tied” to the top of the skyscraper by the metal beams that the supervillain bent around their body like they were rubber. They think they can see a flock of pigeons flapping by below them. “That’s your idea of a threat? Really? Because I’ve heard worse over breakfast. Sorry, but I really don’t think we have the right chemistry to accept marriage to the likes of you.”

The villain pouts, leaning against the tip of the building as if they were a pair of people chatting on the streets far below, and not one hapless captive tied to an antenna and their captor floating with nary a second thought in midair. “Oh c’mon now love. Don’t make this more difficult than it has to be—you know that I could do far better with your Daddy’s little league than any of those second-rate bozos crowding around you.”

The reporter’s gaze sharpens, the corner of their mouth curling up in a snarl. “Don’t. Refer to them. Like that. They’re each seven times the supervillain you are, at least. Besides, I’d rather be turned into pancake mix on the pavement than do anything that could advance that man’s little projects.”

The villain tuts, coiffed hair ruffled by the breeze as he leans in far closer than Yuu is comfortable with. “Don’t play hard to get, love. So you’ve got Daddy issues, who doesn’t? It’s no reason to get in the way of progress. Maybe you’ll change your mind if I show you exactly what I can offer...”

Yuu recoils as the villain’s tongue forces its way into their mouth when their lips collide with all the force of a car crash, an invasive writhing thing that makes them gag at how far it pushes in as the villain hums greedily at their taste.

And one that the reporter swiftly brings their teeth down on.

Hard.

“FUCK! Ugh—you foul little bitch!!”

The backhand jars the reporter’s skull even as they brace for it, cutting the inside of their mouth and leaving them worried that if they try spitting out the blood gathering there, they’ll lose a tooth along with it.

The villain huffs, one hand carding through his ruffled hair. His tongue is already whole and unblemished, the last indents of their teeth healing as the reporter watches. “I didn’t want to do this, you know. I would’ve gladly taken you to the altar, and had you screaming in our wedding bed. I could’ve made you happy, if you’d just do what you’re told.”

Yuu sneers. “Frankly, I can’t imagine anything more boring.”

They take cold comfort in the fury that burns in the supervillain’s eyes at that.

“Fine. Fine.” The villain floats away, his eyes glowing that same bright red that melted through the wall to Yuu’s bedroom when they were first taken. “I was prepared to do this the nice way. I wanted to do this the nice way. But if you’re going to be such a little bitch about it, then I can always rely on the old fashioned method of succession.”

The laser beams swipe through the block of abandoned offices four stories below where the reporter is tied up.

The top of the building wavers, then begins to crumble forwards.

The villain says something else, probably something mocking and challenging them to get out of this mess because that’s the kind of cliche line that’s always used here, but Yuu can’t hear him over the whistle of the wind in their ears and the scream torn from their throat as they plummet.

They try frantically tug their arms free as their legs are pulled upwards by gravity, try their damndest to squirm free, but it’s no use, they’re not The Prefect right now, don’t even have the fedora on them, they’re Yuu, just Yuu, just helpless reporter Yuu, who can’t break steel beams with their pathetic powerless normal person strength, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, they’re going to die, oh Great Seven, they’re going to die—!

“KING'S ROAR!!!”

There’s a discombobulating moment of freefall as the metal and concrete around them disintegrates into sand.

Then a strong, wiry arm loops around their waist and they’re pinned to a carpet as their rapid descent gradually slows to a stop in midair.

“Need a lift?” They can’t see Snake Charmer’s eyebrows through the mask, but they get the feeling one of them is raised in a wry fashion as he smirks at them.

The reporter lets out a hysterical, shaky laugh that only narrowly escapes becoming a sob, trembling hands seizing onto the two supervillains like they’re lifelines. “Wh-what took y-you so long? Did you ge-get held up in traffic?”

King grumbles, flicking their temple gently as Water Boy laughs gleefully from where he’s steering the carpet. “You could show a little more gratitude, herbivore. Do you know how hard it was to evade all the goody-two-shoes on the way here to save your ass?”

Yuu’s about to reply, when they catch a movement above them out of the corner of their eye.

“INCOMING!!”

Water Boy jerks the flying carpet to the side just in time for the villain to plunge past them fist-first, close enough to see his teeth bared in a furious snarl.

“DRIVE!!” Snake Charmer screams at his lieutenant above the rushing wind as the villain rises back up to try his luck again. Water Boy presses the corners of the carpet forwards and they go into a rollercoaster dive that makes the reporter’s stomach roil in protest.

King unleashes his powers on the two buildings behind them, disintegrating the foundations in hopes that the tonnes of concrete and rebar would be enough to slow the flying brick chasing them. The villain just bursts through the obstacles with nary a broken sweat, and speeds up to the point where Water Boy has to turn the carpet upside down so they don’t get knocked out of the sky.

“Where the fuck is that computer junkie?!?” King yells at Snake Charmer as they draw dangerously close to the road below. “He was supposed to be here hours ago!!”

“How am I supposed to know?!” They can hear Snake Charmer’s heartbeat hammer in his chest from where he’s pinning them to the vehicle in the absence of a seatbelt. “It was the conman who was meant to give him the si—”

Yuu can barely scream a warning in time as the villain looms behind Leona’s head, eyes glowing red and ready.

A rush of flying metal harpies collide with the bastard’s face, effectively pinning him in midair as he struggles to destroy the thousands-strong swarm that obstructs his path to them.

“OPEN FIRE!!” Comes Hermes’ high-pitched cry as a blue beam shoots past them at the center of the robotic maelstrom.

A pair of red lasers rocket out to meet it, almost seeming as though it could push Ortho’s assault back—!

A white-hot streak of lightening descends from the formerly clear sky to where the villain was pinned, disrupting the red eye lasers and allowing Hermes’ beam to make contact.

There’s a hideous scream and the stench of burnt meat.

“We’re coming in too fast!!” Water Boy yells, tugging on the carpet’s tassels until they’re almost vertical. “Ja—I, I don’t know if we’ll slow down in time!!”

Yuu barely hears the curses the other two occupants spit, lunging to try and cover as much of them as they can with their body. Even if they crash, if Yuu can just absorb most of the shock of the landing—!

Small pinpricks of pain latch onto their scalp, their pajamas, the carpet and supervillains beneath them, hundreds of small beating appendages smacking them all in the face as the carpet’s rapid descent slows incrementally.

“Oh boys~?”

Four sets of strong hands seize the front of the carpet, their owners grunting as they attempt to force the carpet’s stop through sheer force. Of course, the continued existence of Newton’s Third Law combined with the reporter’s precarious shielding position means that though the carpet experiences sudden stop, Yuu keeps going at the same high speed that will ensure serious injury once they hit the tarmac.

Or it would do, if they didn’t collide with a solid chest and waiting pair of arms first.

The reporter finds themselves cradled in a nearly crushing grip, their catcher muttering “child of man, child of man,” into the top of their head and a warm thumb swipes over the rapidly darkening bruise on their cheek. The wind picks up around them alarmingly, whipping into a gale.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, I’m okay.” Yuu reaches up to pat Tsunotaro’s head soothingly. “See? Just a few scrapes and a little scare. Give me an ice pack and a shower and I’ll be right as rain.”

Tsunotaro doesn’t look very convinced, but at least the wind drops to more of a strong breeze.

“Oi, let ‘em down, you dumb lizard.” King growls behind the reporter, the rings on his tail clattering as it swishes irritably. “We did all the work of saving them, you don’t get to take the rewards.”

Tsunotaro clutches them closer, getting that stubborn look in his eyes that makes Yuu want to groan in exasperation. “No.”

“Why you—!”

“Now, now children, the world works in mysterious ways.” Batman beams. “I’ve always found destiny draws those it finds most suitable together.”

The reporter rolls their eyes as King snarls in response to that remark and Snake Charmer mutters, “I didn’t know ‘destiny’ was what you called interfering old fools.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing.” Snake Charmer climbs off the carpet and straightens his headscarf. “What’s next?”

There’s a crash as the mass of robots pinning the singed villain about three blocks down the street begins to shift, however unwillingly.

“‘Kay, the ‘save the princess’ team barely cleared the parameters for their part of the mission.” Charon’s floating tablet drifts forward, the sounds of frantic tapping on a keyboard almost drowning out his voice. “Now it’s time for the ‘aggro’ and ‘debuff’ teams to move in, Tsuntaro-sshi, Royal-sshi.”

“Understood. I’ll leave the coordinating of the others to you, Charon.” Royal Flush looks up and raises an unimpressed eyebrow at the tall fae. “Well? Are you coming?”

Yuu could almost swear they hear a small grumble as Tsunotaro finally lets them down out of his grasp. He runs his thumb over their injured cheek one last time. “Sebek, Silver. Defend the reporter as you would me.”

“Yes, Tsunotaro-sama!” The two of them chorus.

Royal Flush shakes his head, then reaches out and squeezes Yuu’s hand once. “If anything happens, Three of Clovers and Howl-san will get you somewhere safe. But this shouldn’t take long.”

“Oi, don’t presume to give orders to my minion, Flush.” King growls, inserting himself bodily between the two of them. His mouth curls up in a smirk as he places a proprietary hand on top of their head. “Besides, I’ll be here, won’t I?”

Royal Flush and Tsunotaro narrow their eyes at him, but their attention is claimed by the sound of metal crashing down the street as the villain shrugs off the rubble, the burns on his arms and face healing rapidly as they watch. His eyes flicker over their motley group, before settling on Yuu with laser-precision.

It’s only the arrow that flies into his shoulder, combined with a second lightening bolt striking him from the blue that keeps that metaphor from becoming literal.

Yuu chokes a little at the pressure on their pajama shirt collar as they’re dragged out of the line of fire. From where they’re crouched behind a car, they can see Tsunotaro and Hermes throwing almost everything he’s got as the bastard, while Royal tries to close the distance without ending up attacked himself. They also catch a glimpse of who they think is Leviathan silently gliding closer through the alleys on the far side of the street.

But the villain just won’t stop getting back up. Despite the fact that anyone sane would’ve given up the moment the green flames were broken out, he keeps coming, no matter how many times he gets thrown back.

And he’s clearly getting closer to the reporter he so desperately wants to kill.

“Now what?” Yuu asks, barely able to hear themselves think over the worried growl rumbling from Jack’s chest.

Charon’s muttering to himself as more of his robots fly by overhead. “Need to pin down the rate of regen, if we can get that and surpass it so the ‘debuff’ team can do their thing before the second wave gets here, but what is it?”

The reporter blinks. Well, taking into account the insult, and the backhand...

“He was able to heal his tongue about...four, maybe five seconds after I’d bitten through it? That’s only a rough estimate though, it may’ve been shorter.” They murmur.

The area around them goes very quiet.

“B-bitten through...?” Water Boy asks, hand coming up to his own mouth with a wince.

Yuu scowls. “That creep put it in my mouth when I did not ask him to. Ugh, I would’ve gone for his balls too, but the metal didn’t let me lift my legs that far.”

They huff for a moment at the unfairness of it. Then, “King, stop grinning at me like that.”

“Like what herbivore?” His tone is the picture of innocence, even if the way he’s eying them is most decidedly not.

Snake Charmer ‘accidentally’ kicks him in the shin as the sound of frantic typing erupts from the tablet again. “Setting the Erinyes to follow up on Ortho’s and Tsunotaro-sshi’s attacks within a three point five second time frame...fwe he he he, let’s see how that mob likes this!”

With the clack of what sounds like an enter key, the robots above them begin divebombing the villain in sequence, deliberately targeting the parts of him injured by Tsunotaro and Hermes’ blows.

One of them sacrifices itself in a kamikaze dive that leaves a bleeding scratch on his arm.

The villain roars, the force of his fury almost knocking them over even with how far away their little group is crouched, turning the lasers on every robot within his line of sight.

Of course, this means he stops paying attention to the three supervillains who have been steadily making their way towards him.

“FAIREST ONE OF ALL!”

“IT’S A DEAL!”

“OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!”

The powers hit the villain one after another, his lasers sputtering out with a pained scream. The scratch on his arm doesn’t start healing. Neither does the gash he gets across his face when Poison Queen roundhouse kicks him away with those stilettos of his.

“Was that it?” Leviathan says, his careless facade somewhat ruined by the fact that he wobbles as he begins to levitate. “I must confess I don’t understand what all the tr-trouble was.”

A low whistle by their ear makes Yuu jump. “The bosses can be scary when they wanna be. Remind me never to piss off those three at once.”

The reporter look up to see Ace and Floyd standing behind them. “Ace, wha—where have you been?!”

Floyd giggles and Ace shoots them an evil grin as they chorus, “Sending out party invites~”

Yuu blinks and tries to puzzle out this cryptic phrase, but their attention is swiftly drawn back to the scene of the battle at the sound of manic, unhinged laughter.

“You think you’ve won? You think something like this will stop me?!” The villain cackles, eyes wild and beginning to grow red again despite the way his body tenses and the collar around his neck starts to buckle. “You think that second-rate half-hearted hacks like you can stop someone like me?!? I am your superior!! You all will bend the knee once I snap that ungrateful little bitch’s neck and take my rightful place as head of the League!!! I’ll decimate every last one of those pathetic, moronic heroes who pollute this city like a fungus!! And then, oh , and then I’ll make every last one of you who thought they could get away with this pitiable attempt to stop me—”

“Us? Here to stop you?” Poison Queen tilts his head. “Don’t be ridiculous. We’re supervillains.”

“Stopping the likes of you.” Leviathan proclaims triumphantly, “Is their job.”

The villain stops.

The villain turns.

Over half the top heroes of the Royal Sword Association lead here by the minions meet his gaze.

“Hello.” Niko Niko Neko says with a wide grin.

Yuu isn’t close enough to hear if the villain whimpers, but they almost wish they were.

Almost.

[simplepotatofarmer]

technoblade: a takedown - pt. 1

(not clickbait)

aka i go over every argument people make against c!techno one by one and determine whether they’re valid, false, or a mixture of both. i rewatched every single stream/video, including those on his alt channel, so i could approach this with the most information possible. i’ll be breaking this up into parts because there’s just too much otherwise. all about the characters unless stated.

techno believes in a ‘dog eat dog’ world - false

this is an argument i see used a lot when people discuss techno so i wanted to address it first. luckily, the stream in which he says this is only his fifth stream on the server. there’s one major reason why this argument falls apart and one minor reason that isn’t objective like the first.

first and most importantly: techno has never acted on this. even at the beginning - which is when this comment was made - he was helping his allies, from building railings to keep them from falling, making a potato farm, and all the gear he grinded for to equip his allies in pogtopia with. moving forward, he’s also helped out plenty of people: giving tommy a place to stay and items, telling phil to reach out to ranboo after doomsday, as well as giving both tommy and ranboo food when asked. there’s more, of course, but the point is he’s never once followed up on this statement. he teamed up with quackity to stop the egg. he spoke to niki about how he was giving anarchy a bad reputation because of the violence and wanted to take a different approach which he has.

when people use this argument to insist that techno is the villain, it doesn’t hold up because it’s merely taking one statement he made and upholding it as a main part of his character when his actions and later statements have shown that he doesn’t actually believe in this randian view point. objectively, i can’t see how this argument can extend beyond ‘well, he said it’. regardless of what he said during the pogtopia arc, he’s said the opposite later - wanting everyone to live free with no oppression or imperialism - and has never acted on it nor brought it up later. this take honestly seems disingenuous and was in fact the driving factor of this post.

second and not as critical, techno mentions multiple times during each of his first streams that he’s not sure who all is on his side. this is a reoccurring point for him. he makes the comment about wanting a dog eat dog world during the red festival stream, while speaking to bad and sam. the first part of the conversation is techno asking about state secrets since they’re (as far as techno knows) on manberg’s side. bad mentions schlatt killing cats and techno launches into a spiel about massive anarchy and the weak being huddled in fear, asking them how does that sound. bad says as long as there’s no cat murder, perhaps. bad then asks techno what his ‘single issue’ is and techno responds that he wants to destroy the government. to me, the context of the conversation, who he’s speaking to and what his opinion of those people is, is an important thing to consider.

techno’s ‘we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it’ comment means he was always going to betray pogtopia/l’manberg - valid but not how you think it is

i’ve seen people say that techno saying ‘we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it’ is a clear sign that he was always intending to betray pogtopia/l’manberg which, yeah? 

but i wouldn’t call it a betrayal. 

he says the ‘we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it’ line at the end of the ‘eve of revolution’ stream while he’s talking to quackity, ponk, and sam. the conversation is as follows:

techno, to quackity: i’m glad we could get to know each other. i heard you’re on our side now. i heard you betrayed schlatt.

quackity: yeah, that’s right. are you betraying anyone?

techno: no. i would never betray my personal ideals.

[some chatter from ponk and quackity]

sam: what does that mean? what if the people you’re fighting along [sic] have different ideals than you, though? doesn’t that mean you’d betray them?

techno: listen... we’ll burn that bridge when we get to it.

then techno states that he ‘said what he said’ when sam questions him about his choice of metaphor.

he actually uses the same malaphor at the beginning of the ‘revolution’ stream when they (quackity and tubbo) question him again and in that case techno definitely avoids the subject which isn’t a good thing but considering everyone was so worked up about the possible traitor, i can completely understand.

overall, techno is extremely upfront about his intentions. yes, there is definitely some miscommunication between all the parties because none of them were on the same page but that doesn’t make techno the bad guy here nor does it mean he betrayed anyone. he was upfront about his intentions from the start.

in his first two streams, he makes a joke that if they happen to set up a new government/president that he would just take that one down and it would be a never-ending cycle. over and over, he says that he wants to do destroy the government/manberg. when tommy mentions taking it back, techno says, ‘what do you mean, take it back?’ though this kind of gets lost in the middle of everything else - dsmp (lack of) communication strikes again. 

the takeaway that i see here a lot is that techno always intended to betray them because he knew tommy wanted to take back l’manberg and knew that he would go against them if they set up a new government. and this is true to an extent! he did know that tommy wanted l’manberg back and he did know that he would go against them if they set up a new government. but wilbur was also telling techno that he was on board with the whole anarchy thing. 

none of them were on the same page and that surely led to a big chunk of what happened and hurt feelings on both sides but that doesn’t mean techno betrayed anyone or that he was the bad guy for doing exactly what he said he would do from day one.

techno destroying (l’)manberg was wrong - it’s complicated

the first thing to address here is that for most anarchists, destroying a government isn’t a bad thing. in fact, taking down the government/state is basically our goal. now, i don’t speak for all anarchists, of course, but overall the general feeling is that violence in the name of overthrowing an oppressive government is not inherently bad. there’s no way to do a one-for-one here because it’s minecraft but the general sentiment remains. so while violence enacted against the state is a bad thing for people who aren’t anarchists, techno has no reason to and would not view it as inherently bad.  

but it did hurt people and techno himself acknowledges that fact. he’s acknowledged what he’s done when confronted about it. he hasn’t said he was wrong because understanding that it was hurtful doesn’t mean he believes he was wrong. to him, he wasn’t. destroying what he viewed as an oppressive system was the right thing to do, even if it hurt people.

(also this isn’t any kind of meta but i think it needs to be pointed out that wilbur had already set off the tnt and techno summoned two killable mobs which did plenty of damage but he didn’t say wilbur was the great who came before them for no reason.)

again, this is going to be the most controversial part of this post because i don’t believe destroying government is a bad thing and i don’t believe techno is wrong for believing that as well. there are better ways to address the problem and techno is adjusting his tactics but if another government was to be established, i don’t believe he would be in the wrong to destroy it because he’s an anarchist.

the tl;dr of this section honestly could just be summed up with ‘watch less marvel, read more ursula k. le guin’.

‘techno is the villain because he called tommy the hero’ - so very false 

this is a take i’ve seen that to this day i don’t understand.

techno calling tommy the hero does not mean he was setting himself up as the villain in any capacity. it was merely pointing out tommy’s habit of putting himself at the forefront of almost every conflict, trying to shoulder everything, no matter how it hurts tommy himself. the speech was directed at that and nothing else. it doesn’t mean techno is the villain, it doesn’t even mean there is a villain; there are more stories to be told than the classic hero-villain and the hero-villain narrative doesn’t always apply to stories. (i’d certainly argue that it doesn’t apply to the dream smp but that’s a different conversation.)

techno is to blame for tubbo’s death - false

i think this one has been done to death but what would a techno post be without it?

no, techno is not to blame.

he said over and over that he was outnumbered and believed that if he had done anything, everyone would’ve turned on him and ‘torn him to shreds’. even if that wasn’t the case, it is what techno believed. he had no reason to think that he could take the entire crowd out until he actually fired the rocket launcher. and remember, he tested the rocket launcher earlier during the festival on niki (who volunteered) and it didn’t kill her. when he realized the amount of splash damage it did, he gives a surprised laugh and then begins firing into the crowd. 

as for saying he was under ‘mild’ amounts of peer pressure, techno has a habit of minimizing. not just the things he’s done, but often situations that he’s been in that were stressful. he stated that he deals poorly with high stress situations and one of the cognitive distortions that can come with anxiety is minimization. techno doesn’t actually believe it was ‘mild’ peer pressure - it was a situation that caused him enough distress that he brings it up later at doomsday - but it’s easier to deal with a situation when you downplay it, it’s easier for techno to keep up that calm façade when he’s acting as if whatever happened wasn’t that big of a deal even if it was. again, the way he speaks about it on doomsday was clearly upset and emotional. 

the only person to blame for tubbo’s death is schlatt. he was the one pulling the trigger and techno was the gun.

if you made it this far, thank you for sticking it out! i spent so many hours rewatching all the streams, some of them multiple times, while taking notes to be able to do this. i’m extremely passionate about techno and i feel as if a lot of the arguments against him tend to miss the nuance of his character. this project is on-going and i’ll be going over the butcher army/retirement storylines next. feel free to submit any points you’d like to see addressed! 

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

HASO, “Confession.”

Hope you guys have a great Monday, and hope you  like the story.

The rundi pilot maneuvered his ship around a chunk of space debris, cutting low as he watched the slow and  leisurely path of the rocket as it began on its trajectory towards the moon. Radar was almost impossible to use in the debris field these humans called an orbit, so it was up to his eyes to make out any incoming hostels. 

They circled low and then wide around the slow moving rocket keeping their distance while also keeping an eye out. It was easy enough as the drone was covered in cameras and sensors , which allowed them to see from almost every angle. A human might have been better at this, but right now they were the only ones they could trust.

***

A green folder rested atop the lectern as the President of the UN gave her halting, and to the chairwoman it seemed, unenthusiastic speech. The humans down below didn’t seem to notice, making her wonder if she was simply imagining things,though a part of her said that was not the case.

She had been suspicious of the Un president from the very beginning, the very beginning when she was given power after the first launch of the enterprise, and they had been forced to deal with her during treaty negotiations . At every step there seemed to be some sort of obstacle, something wrong, some reason that the humans could just not accept. It went on behind closed doors and in quiet whispered conversations. But luckily for them people like Adam Vir and Admiral Kelly had been there to smooth things over between the two. 

The chairwoman knew better than most, that there were only a few humans in the galaxy holding everything together.

And the last thing she wanted was bad relations, or to go to war with this species. It would be a nightmare.

She shifted in her seat as she listened to the speech. The valley below her still had traces of smoke let off by burning so much fossil fuel at once . She imagined that such a stunt  wasn’t entirely great for the atmosphere of the planet, though as far as she knew humans tended to run on sustainable clean energy these days.

The chairwoman stepped down from the little podium and into the back where she could not be seen leaning in so she could hear the words whispered from her assistant, “The drones are deployed, and so far we have not met any resistance.

She nodded slowly, “Good work, keep an eye out.”

***

The Un president felt her fingers digging into the soft paper of the green folder. The red one was lying discarded under the lectern, and she was having trouble concentrating, forcing herself to remember that this wasn’t over. She glanced into the crowd expecting to see that strange white face staring up at her from the throng of people, but there was nothing. 

Had she seen it as in her imagination, or did she really see an alien face staring back at her.

She glanced upwards towards where the rocket had vanished, only half paying attention to the practiced words that dribbled from her mouth. She finished her speech and the people below clapped and cheered heartily, though she didn’t much feel like clapping with them.

She turned on her heel and walked down the back of the stage to where her entourage was waiting for her. Admiral Massie was sitting on one end and Admiral Kelly was sitting at the other, the two of them doing their damndest to ignore each other at all costs. 

She sat down next to Admiral Massie arms crossed over her chest as he leaned in to speak with her.

“That didn’t exactly go as planned.” he muttered softly.

“It will if your men are ready.” She snapped back her palms cold and sweaty.”

Admiral Massie nodded, “Of course, they should come out when they reach the densest part of the debris field, that way we can make it look like some unexpected collision.” He glanced towards the lectern, “So I would keep ahold of that red folder of yours.”

On the other set of chairs, Admiral Kelly was giving them a sidelong glance. Everyone knew that she was in Admiral Vir’s camp licking his boots at every opportunity. It would be within their best interest to keep silent when she was around.

The UN president leaned back in her seat, “You should be on your way, Admiral. We will have time to talk later.” 

He stood and nodded slowly, “Of course madame president.” he turned to walk away catching the eye of Admiral Kelly as he stepped past. The two of them didn’t much like each other, though as the head of the OGI (Office of Galactic intelligence) Admiral Massie had enough pull to keep Kelly in her place.

The UN president turned her head away. Not wanting to draw attention to herself.”

***

Admiral Kelly glanced over at the UN president as Admiral Massie passed by. There was something about those two spending time together that she didn’t like. Granted it was more than likely the two of them were having some sweaty, wrinkly liaisons out of hours which she didn’t really want to think about, but if that was the case then he could easily be pressing his planetary isolationist views off on her.

Kelly did not think highly of the UN presidency. Right now it seemed mostly concerned with power and political favores with the people rather than doing the right thing. Plus she found the president herself to be superficially charming but easily manipulated by the wrong people. Fear mongering worked the best on her, which is why she worried about Massie and his affect on her to begin with.

She found herself digging her nails into her palms as she thought about it.

‘Please help us.’

Admiral kelly shot up in her seat looking around as she tried to find the source of the noise, or the voice. She turned in her seat expecting to find someone whispering in her ear, but there was nothing. She pressed at the implant along the side of her neck wondering if someone had called her and she just hadn’t noticed?

‘Look up.’ 

jolted again, lifting her eyes towards the sky and the burning sun. She threw up a hand to block her vision, and as she did, she thought she saw a shape floating there against the backdrop of the sun. She squinted hard trying to make it out but was having trouble.

‘Now look into the crowd.’

She turned her head down, still not sure where the sound could be coming from, but as she looked into the crowd, she saw a strange sight. One of the people was wearing a dark hoodie, and was turned away from the direction which the rest of the crowd was facing. Their hood was pulled low, but ever so subtly, they lifted their head to reveal a porcelain white face, with large dark eyes.

Admiral Kelly went very still as she stared at the starborn.

‘Not a starborn, A halfbreed, my name is Eris, Admiral Vir’s…… daughter/’

Oh…. oh, yes she had heard about the starborn hybrid from one of hsi reports. 

“What do you want.” She mouthed quietly.

‘We need your help, the UN president is planning to have Admiral Vir Killed, and Admiral Massie is on his way to make the order, please, you have to do something.”

Admiral Kelly jolted to her feet very quickly glancing at the Un president in shock and horror before she was able to capture her emotions. The UN president looked up to her sudden movement, and Admiral kelly had to fight to keep her face neutral as the woman looked up at her

“Are you feeling well Admiral.”

She could feel the sweat dripping down her face and the nape of her neck, but she remained as calm as possible as she took a deep breath, “I…. Am suddenly very dizzy. I think it’s the heat.”

“You should sit down, have someone bring you some water.” The woman said, her voice calm and clear as if she hadn’t just ordered the murder of Adam Vir.

“No I….. I think I need to walk for a minute and find some shade. You will excuse me?” 

The UN president shrugged and turned back to staring at the sky giving Admiral Kelly time to step forward and hurry after General Massi’s retreating figure.

***

General massie stepped into mission control and walked down the blank empty corridors. No one was here, they were all either in the control room or out celebrating the successful launch. It had been a sight to see, two thousand year old technology working for one more time, but personally General Massie saw it as completely obsolete and a useless waste of government capital.

That was something they could have been using to help fortify earth’s defense nexus. Out of all the useless things Admiral Vir had supported, at least he had agreed that they needed SOME form of defence against extraterrestrial attack. General Massie made a face, though he wouldn’t doubt Admiral Vir would have been totally fine leaving their planet with its pants down in order to let those xenos fuck them over.

Everyone in their dog knew that Admiral Vir preferred alien cock over his own kind.

The thought made Admiral massie cringe. It was a well kept secret among the UNSC, but the man wasn’t nearly as secretive as he liked to think he was. Rumors of his infatuation with the stupid blue beetle alien had reached command almost as soon as it began. The only reason they didn’t allow it to leak was that it would make the UNSC look bad to the rest of earth. 

And Jupiter how he hated that man.

Stupid, juvinile egotistical xeno fucker.

Today was the day all of that came to an end.

He cut right just before the doors to mission control and walked down two more hallways, finally opening a small side door into, what might have looked from the outside, like an equipment closet. He stepped over a mop and bucket and sat down at an old console, which he fired up with the flick of a button.

“Flight 1 this is Earth 1 over.”

“Roger earth one this if slight one, in position over.”

He turned on the screen giving himself time to look  the radar over as twenty dots appeared on screen.” Those were twenty Thunderhawks they had slowly appropriated over the intervening year. WIth a place as big as the universe to cover, it was pretty easy to lose a few jets in the shuffle. He could see them now illuminated as little green dots on his screen, hiding in the debris.

“fFlight one this is Earth one, Operation After Apollo is go. Now remember boys and girls, make it look like an accident.”

“Roger that Earth one.” 

“You TRAITOR!”

***

Admiral Massie spun in his seat eyes wide and wild as Admiral Kelly stood in the doorway. She could feel her skin growing hot with absolute rage as she stalked forward over the open floor. In one hand she held up the small recording device Conn had handed to her outside the building, and on it held proof of this man’s order. On the screen behind him  twenty little dots burst to life.

She was too late.

The man slowly got to his feet as Kelly Aimed her handgun at him her grip steady her aim true. 

“Call off your dogs.” She snarled 

Admiral Massie slowly lifted his hands before slowly leaning forward in his seat towards the intercom button. She stepped forward watching him intently as he leaned over the console pressing down on the button.

“Flight one this is earth one…” her eyes flickered up to the screen waiting to see them pause.

But before she knew what was happening an elbow came up striking her on the hand and causing the gun to spin out of her grip. Admiral Massie turned and tackled her to the floor, his nearly 300 lb body crushing her to the floor.

The wind was knocked out of her and she gasped as he struggled to pin her to the ground.

Her hat had flown off and her bun became undone as he drew back a fist to punch her. She was able to block it with her forearms as he raged and went for her face. The blows rained down on her from above with an onslaught of power she wasn’t expecting but should have.

She took another gasping breath, and then with a surge of adrenaline she bucked throwing him forward where she grabbed one of his arms and bucked again forcing him to his side and onto his back. Still gripping his ar, she threw herself sideways, throwing her legs over his chest and struggling with his arm to pull it flat.

He kicked and grabbed at her legs with his other hand painfully gripping her calves as his nails dug into her skin and drew blood. The pain was incredible, but she finally got his arm down tucked tight to her chest, her legs across his chest, and then she jerked her hips sharply upward.

Admiral Massie screamed as his elbow snapped backwards.

She let go of him and scrambled towards the console, but at the last moment he grabbed her by the foot and hauled her back to the ground, one arm hanging limp and useless at his side. He clawed at her with one hand, and she rolled onto her back, kicking up at his face with her boot catching him square in the chin.

He staggered back as she crawled to the console and reached to adjust the frequency ready to call in lunar support.

There was a sharp click behind her, and she froze, turning her her seat to find Admiral Massie standing behind her gun held in his good hand.

Blood leaked from his nose and down onto the front of his uniform, staining the grey fabric red, “Nice try, Kelly.”

***

Donovan Red waited spinning slowly as he watched the progress of the distant rocket. Inside his helmet his breathing was cold and calm as, ranging all around him, his other men and women waited as well. Their ships had been outfitted with proper weapons as they had ridden here in the cargo hold of the omen. The group of them weren’t soldiers or trained fighter pilots, so he didn’t imagine this would be easy, but it was going to have to be good. 

“Red, this is Apollo 11 do you copy.”

“Yeah Cinderella, I copy.”

“See anything?”

“Nope not a….” he paused, “Wait.” there was something, something he thought he saw detach itself from another piece of space junk, “Hold that thought Apollo.” he detached from his own bit of space junk and inched forward.

A thunderhawk? What would one of those be doing here.

It began to accelerate. 

He accelerated after it 

Up ahead the rocket was growing larger and larger in his view.

Thunderhawk has made lock. The cool female voice said from his console.

“Oh shit, Admiral r-’ He didn’t have time to finish his sentence as a small ball-like-silver ship came pelting down from nowhere blasting the thunderhawk in the wing with a sharp burst of laser fire. It’s wing exploded and it went careening in the opposite direction as the silver ball whizzed past.

“What the fuck!.” he turned to fly after it, but was stopped.

“Red, stand down that's a Rundi UAV.”

“Rundi, I thought it was the rundi we were worried about,” He called in confusion.

“Yeah, but that thunderhawk had locked on us. It looks like they’re helping.”

He grunted and cursed under his breath, switching the coms, “Boys and girls if you see a silver ball stand down, those are on our side.” Just then another thunderhawk shot over his head. He cursed again and pulled himself into a sharp upward turn cutting after the thunderhawk and locking on. His lock cut off their attempts to shoot down the rocket, and they were forced to dive under as he followed after. He followed, spinning right and left around debris as the thunderhawk attempted to escape.

It cut upward, justin time for a bright pink jet with graffiti words on the side to shoot out of nowhere.

The thunderhawk exploded in a cloud of debris as Wendy roared by.

“Good shot, girl.:

 He said over his radio.

“Thanks boss.”

***

Admiral Vir floated before the console knuckles white and unable to do anything. A silent explosion flashed in his vision to the right as quickly as it had begun. Richards and Chavez started with wide eyes and dropped mouths.

“Admiral what the hell is going on.”

Adam took a deep breath, “it seems as if we are under attack.”

The two of them exchanged glances, “From who! What the fuck!”

Adam turned where he stood to look at the two of them, “I am sorry I got you two into this mess, but the isolationists have been gunning for me for a few months now, and it seems as if now things have come to a head

“What are we going to do!”

“Radio Houston.”

Chavez hurried to do as ordered, but when she did they heard only static, “Shit…. Something is jamming our coms.”

Adam took a deep breath, “Well I guess all we have is Donovan and the Rundi to protect us. Lets’ hope they do it right.”

***

Admiral massie laughed, “You’re as dumb as you look Kelly.”

She stood slowly wiping blood from her cheek as she turned to look down the barrel of the gun. Her own gun.

She didn’t generally tend to agree with massie, but this time he did have a point. Surprisingly though she was very calm, “You aren’t going to get away with this.” She glanced over to where the little silver recording device lay in the shadows under one of the chairs 

Massie was too amped to notice.

“Doesn’t matter. I will have done my duty to my planet and my people, saving them from alien lovers like you and that bastard Vir.”

“Whose Idea was this, the President or yours.” She held her hands out to the side.

“Do you think that dipshit was smart enough to come up with a plan like mine.”

Kelly raised an eyebrow, “Is it wise to incriminate your friends alone with you.”

“That bitch, I could care less. And if i am going down she is going down with me. The president make think it was all her idea, but it was mine all along, she was following my orders whether she believes it or not, and once Adam Vir and YOU are dead than it doesn’t matter what we did because diplomation relations will dissolve and it will be all over.”

He lifted the gun to her face, “Goodby kelly.”

She remained very still as the shadow fell over him from behind, “May I say one last thing.”

He paused.

“Turn around.”

“Very funny, he lifted the gun again and pulled the trigger.

There was a sharp crack and thud as metal hit metal. Kelly flinched and held up her hands, but opened her eye after a moment as no pain came. Admiral Massie lay on the floor face down. Kelly reached down quickly to grab her gun looking up to where Sunny was standing in the doorway holding her pearlescent white spear. Behind her floated the starborn Conn and the hybrid.

She took a deep breath, “Great timing you three.

Sunny nodded, “Anytime.”

Admiral kelly turned and lunged for the comms, switching the frequency to the lunar station only to find she couldn’t get through, “Damn it.” She cursed turning to look at Sunny and the others, “I was too late, the ships have already been deployed.”

She paused and looked down, grabbing the recording device from off the floor tossing it to the hybrid who caught it with some difficulty, “Run that to one of the media outlets, convince them it is important and leak it as soon as you can. We don’t want her to have time to cover her own ass.”

Eris nodded and shot off in the other direction

Sunny knelt down to help her restrain Admiral massie.

Just then the sound of feet came thundering up the hall and they looked up to see the Chairwoman of the GA and her assistants skid around a corner. Sunny���s eyes narrowed as she crouched low leveling her spear.

“Did you catch him?” The Chairwoman asked 

“No thanks to you.” Sunny snarled 

The chairwoman waved her off, “I lost contact with my drones, but they should be out helping to protect Admiral Vir. I am sorry I couldn’t do more, but it was all I could do not to show my hand too early.”

Admiral kelly stood slowly, “You knew about this.”

The charwoman shook her head, “not this specifically, but I have been trying to find the source of the assasination attempts on Admiral Vir’s life. I’ve had discreet escorts on him for the past few months while I tried getting in contact with my people in the criminal underworld. She sighed and I called the hit on him with those pirates knowing who Captain kell was hoping that he could get more information out of the pirates that I could.”

Sunny stared at her rage flickering across her face, “You called a hit on him!”

The charwoman did not seem perturbed, “Those pirates couldn’t have…. How do the humans say…. Hit their way out of a paper bag. I have been attempting to come in contact with the leather of the anti alliance for the past few months. I have been trying to convince them I am on their side, and that was part of my ruse, as well as knowing Admiral Vir was captain Kell. During my investigation it became clear that someone within the UN was involved though I couldn’t have said who.”

“And why should we believe you aren't just covering your own ass.”

The chairwoman hissed, “do you really think I want to make an enemy out of the strongest species in the galaxy. Not on your life. I am not stupid. Besides, I owe Admiral Vir my life . I admit I have done some irreparable things in order to keep the alliance going, but those moves were calculated, and Vir was always protected.

***

One of the silver UAV’s exploded and Red had to dodge to the side to avoid the flying debris. He cut right and then left keeping as fast as he could possibly go as he cut up through the chunks of metal and locked onto the back of a thunderhawk. There was a sharp click and then a silent explosion which he rolled out of the way to avoid. He had sent one of his men off to make contact with lunar forces for backup.

They were good, but these men and women were made for combat, and despite their best work only four out of twenty of them had been destroyed, and their numbers were dwindling fast. He cut right before one of the thunderhawks forcing it to turn away from the rocket  and cut down in another direction. He could only imagine the fear of those inside the rocket as they watched helplessly at the fight raging on around them.

He spun down and under cutting off another Thunderhawk coming in the opposite direction. 

There was no way there were going to keep up with this for long.

[grimmywrites]

So, about Infinite Darkness...

I’m gonna try to be as succinct as I can (I failed) about all the problems I had with it, but my list is pretty long... Yes, this has spoilers. Let me state upfront: if you’re not a hardcore RE fan, you can skip the show. Below I’ll tell you why.

Story: What a mess. Honestly, they turned me off right at the beginning with all the military stuff. It’s the same reason people didn’t like Chris’ campaign in 6; didn’t they learn anything from that? So, the story wasn’t the best thing I’ve ever seen. Honestly, it had more plot holes than anything and so many points where I went: “I don’t care about this.” Again, it was a jumbled mess. Capcom, hire me and I’ll do better, I swear. Let’s just sum it up by saying it’s a rehash of things we’ve seen SEVERAL times in the series before. If you’re gonna do it AGAIN let’s make the story unique and interesting. Oh, there are shady people in the military that want to use bioweapons in war? Okay, we’ve known that since the first game. We’ve seen it time and time again. Look to re8′s ending for example: the BSAA are now starting to use engineered soldiers - THAT was a reveal that was far more interesting. The way it was addressed and overcome in this show was just... so lackluster. Ultimately, it just felt like this entire thing didn’t need to happen. It changed nothing, it impacted nothing, and I’m aware that it really couldn’t since it was after re4 and before re5. There was just no lasting point and all the ‘themes’ (if you can call them that) made absolutely no sense, but I guess I’ll get into that with the characters? Pacing: Absolutely god awful. One minute we’re in the White House fighting zombies then I blink and it’s over and I’m like: Oh, we’re done? Another we’re in a sub and then I blink. Oh, that’s over, too. Also, the creators must’ve taken a page from the last couple of seasons of Game of Thrones (which is an abysmal idea, don’t fucking do that) because with a few cuts here and there we went from Guam to China back to DC. Guess everybody learned how to teleport so they got exactly where we needed them to for the “climax”. Let’s talk about that climax: There was none. Let’s look at Degeneration and Damnation (no I won’t talk about Vendetta). Both had their weaknesses but Leon and the climaxes were BADASS. Leon doing parkour in Degeneration? Leon going against Lickers and the huge Tyrants in Damnation? Those were amazing scenes. He did a few cool things here and there but nothing that got more of a laugh out of me. My man is coming off re4 where he rampaged through a village, a castle, and an island of mutated creatures to save one girl. C’mon now. Characters: By now (if anybody is even reading this rant), you’ve noticed that I’ve talked a lot about Leon. But what about Claire? Yeah, they lied to us about them working together. She got sidelined again. A lot of people are upset about this -- and yeah, it sucks because I do love Claire. Leon has just happened to be my favorite since 1998 so I wasn’t as heartbroken. That doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed, I’m just not very surprised. Leon - My main problem with Leon is Nick, his voice actor. I’m so sorry for all those who like him, but he just isn’t good enough for me. Paul Mercier (re4, Degeneration, Darkside Chronicles) and Matt Mercer (Damnation, Re6, Vendetta) would have been more appropriate. Nick tries his best, but he’s just too soft sounding to be post-re4 Leon. This is a man who is quipping one-liners left and right a couple of years ago. Now he’s barely smiling and doesn’t feel confident at all, and I think a lot of that is because of his portrayal. There are times where the lines hit, but more often than not they fall flat. I never felt that way with Paul who is my favorite Leon or Matt who gave emotional performances every time. Also, his decision at the end? I can understand it, but explain to Claire! Claire - I like Stephanie as Claire, I have no problems with her. She makes her sound tough and ready to do what she thinks is right. Unfortunately, the story completely sidelines her and makes her role obsolete. Everything she uncovers (because that’s her role apparently, just there to Nancy Drew) is already told to us through flashbacks and other characters. Why even have her? Was it just to show us WHY her and Leon don’t talk often? A waste. Shen Mei - I don’t care. I felt nothing for her. They tried really hard, but they just failed to flesh these new characters out and when her time was up I once again went: Oh? That’s it, then. ‘Kay. I think I laughed a bit, sorry girl. Her whole plotline was to get that chip in Leon’s hand, nothing more. Jason -  I don’t care. A character I thought I felt sorry for with his ptsd but nope. Once his story unfolded - messily, I might add (I hate the REPEATED flashback shit. Tell me once and stop teasing me.) I just went... okay, what the hell is your plan? To spread fear? ‘Kay. It was dumb and made no sense. What, he wants everyone to feel terror so they know? It needed to be clarified. It’s like they couldn’t figure out more synonyms for fear and terror. So, what? It helps keep Leon from going public with the chip and that information? Because he knows it’ll just cause mass hysteria? And then you’ve got Claire’s side - she’s not an agent and she believes the people have a right to know. They’re both right, but there’s no goddamn communication between ANYONE in this show. I just felt exhausted by it, nothing else. Not to mention it’s useless angst because of the plot of Degeneration. Wilson - Our bad guy. Let’s just sum up really quickly in case people were confused by the plot: He was putting infected soldiers into war zones so that even after they died they’d kill anybody involved, then he’d bomb the area and clean up the evidence. These soldiers didn’t show any symptoms because they had inhibitors that kept the virus at bay until they died, so they had to take regular shots to stay human. He’s the one who gets the zombies into the white house so that he could blame it on China and get the US into a war with them. That way he could send in his soldiers and infect the populace. From there, he’s the only one with the cure so he could rake in LOTS of money selling it to the world. AKA: he wants to use the US military to infect everyone so he can make a profit. He gets infected by Jason and gets away... then meets up with someone who gives him an inhibitor. This someone is working for Tricell, the big bads of re5 who work under Wesker. So it leads right into the fifth game. That’s all he is, a tie in and yet another example of someone in power trying to profit off the viruses of the RE world. Honestly, nobody else is worth mentioning. Animation: They’re getting better at it. Leon and Claire looked especially pretty, but there’s still a stiffness here and an issue with everyone’s mouths while they talk. I want to praise how different SOME of the characters look - the president and his aides all look appropriately aged and grizzled and distinct. Same with Jason. Other characters (side characters mainly) kinda look generic. Shen Mei for example isn’t very distinct. I mean, her grandpa and brother (both one scene wonders) were more realistic looking than she was. Even Claire - they gave her a bigger nose and made her look more in line with her Revelations 2 model (thank god I love that model). Movement was pretty fluid, I wish we’d seen more fighting and cool action -- though not to the extent of Vendetta. Maybe that’s what they were trying to avoid, but it didn’t make it any fun to watch. Enemies: This is the last thing I’ll comment on. The zombies were fine - they always are. I heard a ton of reused sounds from remake2, as well, but I thought of it as an Easter Egg more than anything. They looked good, their gore was good, all set there. Problem was, they were basically the only bad guys. That’s a huge fucking disappointment. I know people recognize this series as ‘the one with the zombies’ but that’s not true. Every game (save 7) had MULTIPLE enemy types all created through bio engineering. In this show we see three types. THREE. Zombies. Zombie rats - a one-scene wonder that Leon dispatches fast and easy. I’ll admit, they looked cool but there was nothing else to them. “They’re a bioweapon” and then Leon fries them all with some electricity and we’re done. Jason’s mutated form. Okay, I have to admit, I really loved his design. He was cool, I liked that he could talk and emote. But, other than that? He didn’t DO anything cool. He mutated once and hopped around a lot. That’s it. I mean, a bioweapon that keeps his mental capacities? C’MON! We could’ve done so much more with him. Again, this goes back to why the climax was so bad -- he and Leon didn’t fight. One jumped, the other ran around to catch up and fired a few bullets and a rocket at him. Then he used an acid bath to finish the job. (Also, explain to me WHY he mutated into a tyrant-like creature while everyone else with that specific virus was another form of zombie? We see Jun (Shen’s brother) mutating almost crystal-like at one point but... what? You leave them off for a while and they turn into crystal zombies? Make it make sense.) I’m sure there’s more to say, but honestly, unless you’re a hardcore RE fan like me, I’d say you can skip it. It wasn’t a fun ride, there weren’t any stakes, it wasn’t emotional... it just... was. I will end on one good note that made me smile, though: I loved seeing the Ashley Easter Egg.

[vodkassassin]

You've been bullying SQH too much, he needs a break! Maybe some cuddles? A vacation? An emotional support animal? All of the above?

Two of the above, as a treat. Other options to be considered at a later date, perhaps... ;3 @dancibayo

Warnings for injury and near drowning >.>

—

There is a reason that, way in the beginning of all this peak lord business — before then, in fact, when they were all still just head disciples, brand new to the job and still figuring things out— there is a reason that Shang Qinghua signed the paperwork making Mu Qingfang his mission partner. And only Mu Qingfang.

It wasn’t because Mu Qingfang was the only one out of all of his martial family that Shang Qinghua liked, or could actually deal with… though it was kind of for that reason, but not entirely! The main reason, here, is that Shang Qinghua was not at the time entirely sure how to work with his martial siblings, and when he had tried, it… didn’t really work out.

There are a lot of examples in which missions with a martial sibling other than Mu Qingfang have not worked out, but the paragon amongst them all was that first mission with his fellow head disciple, Liu Qingge. Whenever Shang Qinghua thinks about why Mu Qingfang is his preferred mission partner, that one clusterfuck with Liu-shidi always comes to the forefront of his mind no matter how he wishes he could just forget about it.

A lot of the reason that mission had been such a total failure, in hindsight, really doesn’t have anything to do with Shang Qinghua at all, and a lot to do with the fact that Liu Qingge had, at the time, held such a low opinion of Shang Qinghua that it made working with the man an absolute trial.

In Liu Qingge’s defense, he’s much better nowadays. Like, a lot better. He barely glares at him anymore, even! Well, Liu-shidi glares at everyone, that’s sort of his default expression, but the glare is much less scary when pointed in Shang Qinghua’s direction than it had been even just a year ago! Progress!

Shang Qinghua ducks under the heavy swipe of one colossal, furry paw, complete with wickedly sharp claws that peak out just above the oversized toe-beans, and resists the urge to wail. He yanks out his sword and hops onto it like it’s a snowboard, and directs it into the air with a monumental push of his qi. The claws miss the edge of his robes by mere inches, and Shang Qinghua starts to daydream, a little bit, about what kind of headstone he wants for his memorial.

There’s another big reason, which he’s being reminded of right now, why Shang Qinghua would actually rather be partnered on a mission with anyone other than Liu Qingge.

The man loves monster fighting.

Now, listen. Listen! Shang Qinghua, he is a big fan of the monsters of this world. Mainly because he created most of them himself. They are just as much his beautiful (and sometimes incredibly less-so) babies as the characters he’d spent hours crafting with his words. Seeing them in full-form, brought to very real life in this world that is fashioned after his story is so fucking cool, but also! Actually mainly! Very, very fucking terrifying. Because those things, most of them, can, will, and have certainly tried, many a time in the past, to kill him.

And Liu Qingge’s absolute, favorite pastime is hunting these creatures down and facing off against them, for fun.

So like, sue Shang Qinghua if he can’t really see the appeal.

He’d rather be stuck in his office surrounded by stacks of unfinished paperwork with a deadline, than be dragged out by his martial brother to face another monster. At least then, he would be safe, and not have to deal with nearly being shredded by giant titan tiger claws, thanks!

Unfortunately for Shang Qinghua, ever since Liu Qingge had decided, for some reason that he still couldn’t figure out, that they are friends, he’s been coming to An Ding to regularly kidnap Shang Qinghua and force him out on what the man probably thinks is fun, bonding time between martial brothers or something.

It’s not. It’s not fun. It’s certainly bonding time, perhaps, if only because of the many times Liu Qingge has been forced to come over and save Shang Qinghua’s skin. Then again, Shang Qinghua has also been forced to save Liu Qingge’s skin, through vastly different means than Liu Qingge has saved his, so maybe it is some type of bonding? Experiencing life-threatening situations together is a sure-fire way to form close ties with someone. Like, that’s a legitimate trope. Shang Qinghua has used that one in his own stories many a time before.

So, Liu Qingge might be onto something here. But Shang Qinghua wishes he’d choose some other way to level up their apparent friendship than monster hunting. Can’t they just stay home and have tea? Play some go? Not potentially die?!

“Qinghua!” Liu Qingge calls. He sounds a little exasperated. He’s exasperated, huh? Shang Qinghua is exasperated with this entire trip! “Pay attention!”

Shang Qinghua ducks again, aiming his sword down sharply as his shidi’s sword shrieks by overhead in the spot he’d just been, to parry the monster’s attack with a serious OP swing of the same blade.

It’s really unfair, sometimes, watching how easily powerful his martial family can be. And then there’s Shang Qinghua, who… isn't, really? Just, nowhere near as powerful as the likes of Liu Qingge, or Yue Qingyuan.

Then again, maybe that’s trying to compare 5G internet to dial up? They’re simply in entirely different leagues.

Shang Qinghua’s eyes water as he rockets toward the ground, to where there huddles a cluster of disciples that stare with wide-eyes and awed faces as Liu-shidi does his thing. Their expressions are practically meme-worthy. God, he misses the internet so, so much. He might cry.

Wait, no, he can’t cry right now, the Bai Zhan disciples are right there, and they will make fun of him for it. Absolutely no respect with these kids. Liu-shidi, please teach your peak disciples some manners!

“Shang-shibo,” one of them complains, sword unsheathed entirely and obviously rearing for some action. “Does Shizun — does he want —?”

Shang Qinghua holds up a hand. The disciple falls silent, and the entire group of them watch him like over-eager hawks waiting for their prey to make a mistake. He takes a moment to catch his breath.

“No,” he eventually says, sending a brief glance over his shoulder to where the Bai Zhan peak lord is going head to head with a flying tiger the size of a dragon. “Shizhi, does your Shizun look like he wants help? Does your Shizun ever want help?”

One of the other disciples, a girl this time, bearing biceps that might be bigger than melons, grumbles. “He doesn’t. But why can’t we fight, too? It’s not fair, Shibo!”

“What wouldn’t be fair, is having both your arms ripped off before you can even graduate Jiedan.” Shang Qinghua refutes, and begins to herd the lot of them back toward the tree line so that they are at least out of sight. “This beast is a third-rank Flying Thunder Deity, it is so far out of your league in terms of strength that I’m currently questioning whether we should have brought you all with us on this mission in the first place.”

The disciples look disgruntled.

“But, Shibo—!”

“Nope!” Shang Qinghua holds up a finger and gives them all a stern look. Liu Qingge may not give a fuck whether his disciples remain unscathed or not — honestly, the man likely assumed them to all have fled like smart disciples of their level would, but he obviously greatly underestimated their enthusiasm for a good fight. Which is just incredibly fucking ironic of him. Anyway, no disciple of Cang Qiong sect is going to be in harm's way, if Shang Qinghua has any say about it. “I don’t want to hear it. All of you stay here, if I see a single limb out of these trees, I’ll assign the lot of you as aids to my paper-pushers for three months.”

At their adequately horrified looks, Shang Qinghua decides that his job here is as done as it can be, and so he turns around to peer back out at the currently thunderous (as the name of the beast might suggest) battle currently being waged. If any of the disciples decide to actually take their chances — both at potentially becoming paste on the ground and being stuck helping his disciples with copying out fresh requisition forms, then that’s not exactly his problem, is it? Shang Qinghua tried his best!

He rises up on his sword to where his shidi is fighting the Flying Thunder Deity several hundred feet up in the sky.

Aerial combat has never been Shang Qinghua’s strong suit, and quite honestly it’s neither the strong suit of any other cultivator, strong in battle as Liu-shidi or not. There’s just something about attempting to juggle needing to balance on your soul sword to stay in the air and also needing that same weapon to fight with, that is just altogether difficult.

It’s fifteen minutes of ducking and weaving and praying that he can move just fast as to be an irritating enough pest to the Deity that it turns it’s attention onto Shang Qinghua and consequently gives Liu Qingge the opening he needs, when Shang Qinghua’s hopes come true a little too well.

The thunderous (ha-ha) expression that graces Liu Qingge’s face when the Flying Thunder Deity snaps it’s huge, hulk of heard forward and encloses him in its massive jaws would have been gratifying in literally any other circumstance. Shidi! You do care! Or are you pissed at Shang Qinghua, for being so slow and requiring rescuing yet again? He’s sorry, Liu-shidi, he really is! Next time he would move faster! Or better yet, not come at all! Just as he’d originally begged you, shidi!

Shang Qinghua wishes that people would listen to him more. It would make his life so much less stressful than it is.

“Qinghua!” Liu Qingge shouts, with a tone to it that makes Shang Qinghua’s heart stutter oddly. Or maybe that’s because he’s, you know, currently trapped in the mouth of a vicious monster that probably won’t hesitate to swallow him whole? But, could it be, that Liu-shidi really does care?

Such ponderous thoughts will have to be shelved for now, to be ruminated upon later when he’s safe. For now, Shang Qinghua curls up into a ball, shaking like a leaf, his elbow bouncing off a curving incisor that’s nearly the length of his entire body, and he can’t help but let out a terrified cry.

This is it, isn’t it? Nearly a century of surviving against all odds, making it through perilous situation with no hope after perilous situation, avoiding death flag after death flag, to be eaten by this hungry, flying tiger the size of a small mountain.

Truly, he’s so blessed to be going out with such a bang.

System! Shang Qinghua wails miserably inside his head, a series of loud whimpers bursting from his mouth without his permission. Be useful for once and lend me a scenario pusher!

The cheerful ding that rings throughout his mind is incredibly ignorant of the current circumstances. [Request acknowledged! Please contact customer support to undergo an eligibility survey.]

There is no such thing as customer support, Shang Qinghua knows. He’s neither a customer, nor is he sure that the System actually has any higher power that it answers to. It clearly loves fucking with him, though, and he clenches his jaw and screams through his teeth in frustration as the sharp point of one of those too-close teeth digs viciously into his side.

I don’t have time for that! Fuck! System, please! I don’t want to die! Be nice to me for once in your miserable existence! I deserve it, dammit!

There’s a brief pause, and during it Shang Qinghua thinks he can hear his shidi yelling amongst the sounds of battle.

[... Host’s complaint has been posted and reviewed.] Oh, wow. That’s a first! [Due to Hosts exemplary services rendered, compensation has been rewarded. Would host like to exchange for a scenario pusher?]

Just save me already! Shang Qinghua demands, curling into an even tighter ball. The tooth digs into his flesh painfully, and he bites back a sob.

[Compensation loading…]

The tiger is growling, now. Shang Qinghua can feel the coalescing vibrations of the sound as it emanates from behind him, from deep within the beats chest, rippling sound waves that travel up it’s throat and make him tremble from the force of them alone. His skull is split by a resounding headache, and his vision doubles. It’s like being trapped inside a subwoofer box, and it hurts.

Shang Qinghua is struck rather suddenly by a massive fit of vertigo, as the tiger seems to shake its head in response to whatever attack Liu Qingge is throwing at it. Being inside its mouth, the motion sends the An Ding peak lord sprawling, and he nearly impales himself on one of it’s incisors. Thankfully, being covered in its saliva, though disgusting, seems to be a silver lining of some sort, because he’s by now slippery enough with it that the tooth only deals him a glancing blow. Despite not being as fatal as it could have been otherwise, it still hurts enough, sharply enough, that Shang Qinghua can’t hold back the cry of pain and surprise that escapes him.

The deep vibrations of the growl come to an abrupt halt. Shang Qinghua only has time to hear Liu Qingge make a distant sound of confusion and anger, before he’s unceremoniously spat out into the open air.

It’s a relief! Truly, it is, to be freed of the tight, damp space that was a beast’s hungry maw at long last. However, there’s still a problem! A big one!

Shang Qinghua doesn’t have his sword, and they’re all still hanging out several hundred feet up in the air! By the laws of physics, he has only a brief millisecond to feel any sort of relief before he goes plummeting to his death. He brings up his arms to shield his face from the turbulent air, robes flapping in its vicious currents.

“Qinghua!”

He peeks open eyes that he doesn’t recall closing to find his amazing, beautiful, talented shidi diving down beside him, sword under his feet and hand held outstretched toward him. Shang Qinghua doesn’t have enough air in his life to breath out a sigh of relief as he reaches out for him, ready to cry, because within the very next second he’s ripped away from the help by a big, furry blur that knocks him out of the sky entirely.

He continues to fall for a few long, terrifying seconds, and then he’s fighting to breathe not because the air is moving past him too fast to catch, but because he’s been submerged in water.

He panics, kicking his legs uselessly against the heavy weight of the tide that wraps around him and shoves him roughly to and fro. He’s not entirely certain which way is up and which way is down. His lungs are tight and painful with their pleas for air, and Shang Qinghua can see spots begin to dance before his vision.

Something grabs onto the very back of his robes, then, and he’s dragged out of the water and lands heavily on a patch of what he’s able to eventually identify as grass, once his mind has enough ragged gasps of sweet, sweet oxygen to get itself into working order again.

He rolls himself over and onto his knees, fisting his hands in the grass as he spits out mouthful after mouthful of water. His eyes sting with tears, but thankfully he’s so soaked he doesn’t think they will be all that apparent to anyone who thinks to look at him now. He brings up a hand, to press the back of his fist into his mouth and smother the sob that wants to burst free. He doesn’t really succeed.

There’s an odd sound from nearby, almost like an engine of some sort, which is incredibly confusing because Shang Qinghua hasn’t heard anything of the like since his last life, where the world was much more industrially advanced. There’s a brief moment of confusion, where his mind races in trying to correlate the sound with something that makes more sense, before something big and warm presses against his side and nuzzles heavily into his neck.

Shang Qinghua blinks, dumbly, vision still swimming in such a way that it makes his aching, pounding head revolt in nausea, but after a moment he’s able to turn his head to the side and get a mouthful of fur instead of a visual.

He splutters, reeling back, which of course gives the Flying Thunder Deity, which is no longer flying nor deity-sized, to press forward even more. It knocks the befuddled Shang Qinghua into the grass and clambers over him, purring loudly and aggressively all the while as it nuzzles him and butts it’s head into his again and again.

“Um,” someone says, and Shang Qinghua blearily looks up from the now normal-sized tiger to find a group of disciples staring down at him, looking just as confused as he feels. “Shang-shibo?”

He blinks, head canting toward the side as the Flying Thunder Deity shoves at it with it’s leathery nose. It’s purring so loudly he can feel it in his jaw. “Yes?”

“Would you, uh…” The disciple speaking gestures at him and the tiger. “Would you like help?”

“Hm,” Shang Qinghua considers the offer, laid flat out on the ground as he is while being aggressively cuddled by a suddenly, oddly, terrifyingly over-affectionate tiger that had literally, just a few moments ago, tried to eat him. “.... Hmm.”

“Mwrrrr,” the tiger echoes, long whiskers tickling Shang Qinghua’s face.

“...Shang-shibo?”

“Qinghua!” Ah, look who finally decides to join them!

Liu Qingge barrels to a landing in the grass right beside him and barely has time to yank his sword up from under himself when the newly enamoured tiger jumps to its feet, bristling and hissing like a house cat facing an annoying, yapping dog that’s intruded into their home.

Liu Qingge is very visibly confused at the newest course of events, but there’s still a level of rage that thrums underneath it, and he readies his sword against the Thunder Deity, muscles twitching in anticipation that far exceeds his usual excitement for a fight. For some reason, that Shang Qinghua is currently too dazed to even guess at, it has become personal.

The tiger’s tail flicks, it’s sharp teeth bared as a growl erupts from its throat, and Shang Qinghua apparently had lost all common sense during his fall into the lake, because he props himself up on one elbow and reaches out his hand to curls it into the damp, wet fur around the tiger’s neck.

Immediately, the beast stops growling. It even turns its back to Liu Qingge! In order to plop down into Shang Qinghua’s lap and nuzzle it’s face into his neck, purring once again at full blast. The Bai Zhan disciples that are gathered a few hundred feet away make a series of quietly alarmed sounds. What the fuck! Liu Qingge looks just as confused.

“Qinghua?”

“I don’t know, shidi,” Shang Qinghua says, shrugging. It sends a ripple of pain that spikes in his lower abdomen and winds up his side, and he winces. “Ow.”

“You’re injured,” now Liu Qingge is frowning at him, but he doesn’t move to come any closer. His hand is whit knuckling the hilt of his sword, and he glances between Shang Qinghua and the tiger in open puzzlement.

“Yeah, kinda got impaled on its teeth,” Shang Qinghua replies, and makes a face. “When they were, uh, you know, bigger. Before...”

“It shrunk.” Liu Qingge states, scowling.

As if on cue, there’s a bright flash of light that momentarily blinds him, and the weight in Shang Qinghua’s lap shifts. Once his vision clears, he glances down to find a small, fuzzy little tiger cub gazing up at him with big, round, glistening eyes.

Shang Qinghua stares at it. The cub purrs, much softer than it had in its adolescent form, and gently butts it’s head against his chest, mewling quietly.

Shang Qinghua tears up. He can’t help it. He struggles to sit up, gathering the cub into his arms as he goes, and holds it against his chest. It’s fuzzy little ears perk up, tickling against his collar bone, and Shang Qinghua swallows.

Liu Qingge stares, as well, about as absolutely befuddled as the rest of them. After a moment, though, his face clears of its confusion, as if he’s decided to simply discard it, and he gives a shrug, hefting his sword arm up a bit and taking a step forward.

Shang Qinghua startles, scooting back a bit even though it pulls at his injury. “Shidi?!”

“It will be easier to kill, like this.” Liu Qingge says, nonchalant.

Shang Qinghua clutched the tiny, purring little tiger to his chest, aghast. “Shidi, no! It’s a baby!”

“It’s not,” Liu Qingge frowns at him. He points at the cub, who continues in its mission to aggressively cuddle the An Ding lord. “It’s a fully grown adult Flying Thunder Deity. It can just change its size.”

Shang Qinghua pauses. He pulls the still-purring cub away from his chest and holds it up to his eye-level.

“You tried to eat me,” he accuses.

The tiger cub blinks once, slowly, and lets out a tiny mewl in response.

“....” Shang Qinghua wraps his arms around the tiny thing and cuddles it to his chest. “I forgive you!”

“Shang Qinghua,” Liu Qingge exclaims, exasperated. Which! Not fair! Shang Qinghua wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for him! So really, this is all Liu-shidi’s fault to begin with!

He tells him as such, and Liu Qingge scowls grumpily one response.

Shang Qinghua stands to his feet. And immediately tilts to the side. Liu Qingge steps forward, sword sheathed, to catch him around the waist, and the tiger gives a startled meow as it’s suddenly squished between the two of them.

Both men stare down at it. It blinks up at them for a moment, before turning to nuzzle it’s face into the dampened collar of Shang Qinghua’s robes, closing its eyes as if it's decided to take a nap then and there.

“You can’t tell me you’re going to kill it,” Shang Qinghua says. His words are beginning to slur together. “It’s too cute, Qingge!”

Liu Qingge tenses slightly at his given name, as he always seems to do when Shang Qinghua uses it. If he didn’t want him saying it, he shouldn’t have given him permission in the first place! After a moment, the man relaxes, and something about his face is… not as fierce, somehow.

Shang Qinghua doesn’t know what that means.

“You’re soaked,” Liu Qingge says. “... And injured.”

“Impaled,” Shang Qinghua reminds him, blinking his eyes slowly. They feel a little heavy. Maybe the tiger had the right idea of a nap. “Almost drowned.”

Liu Qingge frowns at the reminder. He stoops down after a moment and scoops up Shang Qinghua’s legs. Normally, he would protest being bridal carried like some maiden, but right now he’s way too tired. He rests his head against Liu Qingge’s shoulder, the tiger purring sleepily on his stomach, and closes his eyes.

There’s a quiet cough. “Shizun.” One of the disciples speaks. They sound embarrassed, for some reason?

“We’re heading back to the sect.” Liu Qingge announces.

“The, ah… the tiger?”

There’s a long moment of thoughtful silence. Then, “It’s your Shibo’s.”

“Ah…. okay….”

Shang Qinghua turns his face into his shidi’s collar and falls into a doze.

[jackofmanytf2]

Granary Guerrillas

About five hours north of Teufort, my Red employers have a big grain operation.  Big silos, shipping containers, storage for shipping containers... It's a big place with a lot of tile floor, a lot of equipment that needs upkeep (and a lot of it is below Mr. Conagher's pay-grade, I don't mind admitting), and a surprising number of glass windows.  It's one of the places where, with the long commute and the work itself, I don't have time for my other jobs, so the Red people give me advance notice, a generous stipend for petrol, and hours double.  I would break about even, but one of my jobs in Teufort let me go after I told them I'd be out of town for over a week.  Apparently, I should have told them thirty days ago if I wanted my time unavailable to make the schedule.  I wished them luck in filling the position-- I don't know anybody willing (or able) to work those hours, at those wages, who are also able to reliably plan their lives thirty days in advance.

I'll be alright.  I'll pick up extra shifts at another job or just find another one.  There's always work out there...

Right next door to our grain facility is the rival Blue grain facility; equally big.  I try not to have any opinions on this situation between the two companies.  At the very least, they pay well and the mercs don't have to walk very far to kill each other.  Of course, that means that even despite the size of both facilities, I'm usually only one or two rooms away from some part of the fight-- that is, if I'm not trapped in the thick of things.  I'd considered switching my schedule to work overnight instead, since 'last round' ends around sunset, but for "security reasons" neither my car nor Sniper's camper can be within five miles of the building, so both he and I are bunked in with everyone else.  There's no sleeping with that kind of noise going on, wondering if at any moment the door is going to explode in on you in a hail of gunfire, rocket shells, actual fire, and grenade pipes.  So I more or less sleep when the mercs sleep.  Of course, the barracks were only fitted for nine, so I've made myself cozy in a small storeroom with my cleaning supplies and my blanket from my car.  Nobody's said anything about it, so I guess it's not a problem, but then again, I don't think they really noticed.

All that to say that there's no real avoiding the fighting around here while I'm working, except in the hours after sunset, before I collapse on the floor in the storeroom, and the hours just before sunrise.

So what's going on now?  I decided to take advantage of a lull in the action to mop the mess in the middle of the shipping container storage bay but the “lull” was lasting a bit long and the quiet was… beginning to be concerning.  Even despite listening, the hum of the huge fans for the climate control in this area muffled the sound of footsteps until they were right on top of me.  By the time I looked up, I was already surrounded.

“... Hi.  You uh… might want to watch your step.  Floor’s still wet…” I say lamely, trying to keep from smiling nervously.  I’m surrounded by the Blue mercenaries, which means that all the Red mercenaries are probably dead and going through respawn.  Which meant I was alone with the enemy and literally the only living thing left to oppose their total control of this facility they were storming.

I’d already died a lot these past couple days.  A lot.  Some of it wasn’t as quick and painless as I’d like, but I’m not about to offer any critiques.  Killing was their profession, not mine, so I don’t exactly have an expert perspective on the topic… Besides, I doubt they’d care for my opinions.

“Oh, I've been waitin’ for this, ya piker…” Here comes the blue-shirted Sniper, closing the distance, big knife in hand, with long strides like he hasn’t learned his lesson from last time.  Still, the mop in my hands has never felt less like something I could defend myself with.  But it turns out I don’t have to, as the Blue Heavy spares a hand from his huge gun to grab his teammate’s shoulder.

“Sniper does not beat defenseless little girls in front of Heavy.”

“Yo, that’s a girl?!” The Scout exclaims, pointing with his bat and looking at me like he’s seeing me for the first time.

“‘S not a bloody woman,” There’s an odd note of distaste in the Sniper’s voice to accompany his sneer, “...Even if it was…” He shrugs out from under his ally’s hand, but does not move closer to me.  Yet.  I can’t see his eyes behind his glasses, but I can feel the glare…

The Blue Soldier bellows out with authority, “CORRECTION!  This cupcake is a cupcake!”

“Conagher wouldn’t hire a woman for this sort of work.  Not for the war…” The Blue Engineer says quietly.

“Exactly!” Snaps the Australian, shifting his weight to step forward again.  He’s interrupted by the swing of his ‘mate’s’ bat.

“Hey, f’real are you a girl?!”

“Bonny ‘nough face…” The Demoman mumbles, “could be a wee lass…”

The Blue Medic and Pyro remain quiet, the former watching me with furrowed brows.  I can’t speak for the latter, but the mask is turned my direction.

This sort of reaction only surprises me because it’s stalling any violence to my person.  I’m used to the confusion and questions.  I have what some might consider a ‘pretty face’ with ‘delicate’ or ‘girlish’ features.  My small stature and slim build don’t do me any favors, either.  Nature has not been kind.  In a man’s world, I’ve learned it isn’t usually to my benefit to look like a girl.  It’s harder to get paying work that isn’t sex work or paperwork.  Nobody wants to pay a woman to work with her hands.  Not for skilled work.  If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t care what people thought I looked like…

“I’m working,” I answer firmly, “So I’d appreciate it if we wrapped whatever this is up quickly…”

“No, I wanna know!” The Scout’s bat points at my face, his expression fierce to cover up his uncertainty.  I don’t know whether that uncertainty is because my being a woman would be an insult because of how I got the briefcase away from him that one time (he’s killed me half a dozen times since, I would have thought he’d be over it by now) or if my being a woman would make me an acceptable target for other kinds of attention, “You a girl?  Yes or no.”

“This is not the information we are here to obtain,” Says the suited figure appearing out of thin air at my side, and I shudder at the idea of how close the Blue Spy was to me without my even knowing.  He eyes his teammates and then turns and looks down at me.

“Le petit nettoyeur, you say you are working.  We are also working.  You know the nature of our work.  Tell us: what is the exact nature of yours?”

“... Bloody maid…” The Sniper growls.

“Cupcake!” The Soldier corrects sharply.

“Building maintenance,” Is my reply, shooting the Sniper a look, “general upkeep– plumbing, lights, heating and cooling… and yes, cleaning.  But it’s not like I do their laundry and cooking or baking– I’m not a damn maid!”

“These were the duties you were hired for?” The Spy’s eyes are on mine, and I don’t like it.  I feel like he can see right through me.  See what I’m thinking.

“Yes.”

“And despite your presence on the battlefields and your… interference… with our collection of RED intelligence, you were not hired as a tenth combatant?”

I wince, “... Look, it’s not like he would have handed over the briefcase if I had asked him to–”

“--Damn right!”

The Spy frowns slightly, “Certainly not.  Answer my question: were you hired as a tenth combatant?”

“If I were hired as a combatant, wouldn’t I have something besides cleaning supplies or a toolbox?” Something hard and cold enters the Spy’s gaze and the other mercenaries shift  on their feet impatiently, so I give up being smart and say, “No.  No, of course I’m not a tenth combatant.  I’ve been saying it all along!”

Spy nods, and his frown fades into something that might have been the shadow of a smile before pursing his lips, “So… you clean and maintain RED facilities…”

“... Yes…?”

“... All of them?  All the rooms?”

“... Most of them…”

“I see…” He closes his eyes and sighs out his nose, and when his arms unfold from behind his back, his gloved right hand is smoothly rolling open a balisong knife, “... They call you ‘Jacques’, do they not?” “...uh…” I almost step back, but the blue suited Pyro is there, and I can smell the gas and hear the clicking from his weapon, and I really don’t want to bump into it.

The Spy goes on, calm and reasonable-sounding, “... Jacques, I owe you a kindness from our last encounter, and as I am a man who honors his debts, I will not allow my teammates to exact their bizarre and pathetic vengeance for your insult to them at this time–”

“--Piss off!  I don’t need you to allow me–” But the rest of whatever the Sniper meant to sputter was cut off by his teammate raising a single gloved finger.  He growled and glared, baring his teeth at me instead, white-knuckling his fist around the hilt of his big knife.

“... But I have a responsibility, Jacques, and as a professional with responsibilities, I am sure you understand.  So.  Please,” Continued the Spy moving the balisong knife in his hand just so, so that it– and he– had my full attention again, “tell me the passcode to the door over my left shoulder just now.”

I glance at the door in question.  I know the passcode.  I wipe down the equipment in there and make sure it’s still running, but I don’t know anything about it.  I don’t know what it does or how important it is.  Whatever the reason, that door stays locked behind a passcode, so I probably shouldn’t tell this Spy that works for my employer’s rival!

“... Jacques,” He presses, meeting my eyes, his a cloudy blue, “I must insist that you tell me quickly.  If you do not, I will have to extract the answer, and I do not want to do that.”

Part of me almost believes him.  He owes me a kindness, like he said, but he’s not going to let that stop him from taking advantage of the fact that I have information that can make his job that much easier.  He can make me tell him, I realize with a sinking feeling of dread.  He probably knows just how to hurt me to learn every secret I know– even mine.

For a single moment, my stomach twists and drops to my toes with terror.  In the same moment, I see the ridiculousness of it all– of this war, this rivalry.  The idiocy.  I know all the passcodes.  I can get into any secret room I want to!  Me.  Jack.  The nobody who doesn’t know anything about the importance of this fight.  The nobody not even in the fight.  But at the same time, I’ve got no way to protect this information.  No weapons, no special training.  No suicide pills.

This merc, a specialist, was going to hurt me and hurt me and hurt me until I gave him all the information he wanted that a person like me should never have been given in the first place.

But then that moment passes, and the Blue Spy’s head explodes into a fine red mist of blood, bone, and brains.  A moment after that, red-marked pipe grenades and rockets were raining down on us.

Stumbling out of respawn, I ask myself a question: How long had the red-shirted mercs been waiting to launch their attack?  How long had they watched me with the blues?

Had they known?  Had they also known I would have broken?

Or was it all just a big coincidence?

[summerofspock]

My patreon alternate POV request for August was an additional chapter of Under Construction from Aziraphale’s POV. I chose to write the night they came back from the beach and found Spider.

After a long day on the road, Aziraphale is looking forward to relaxing by the fire. Maybe having a beer and talking about nothing in particular with Crowley. He finds he likes doing that. Talking to Crowley. He knows how to have a meandering conversation. He knows that Aziraphale doesn't mean anything by his playful teasing, that sometimes it's fun to ask questions without any sort of answer.

Crowley offers to get wood for the fire which is a bit cute really since Aziraphale doubts he could carry more than two logs at a time. But it is the thought that counts.

His nice plans are interrupted when Crowley rockets back into the house stammering about a kitten stuck in the woodpile. It's not the first time Aziraphale has found a stray cat on his property but the woodpile will be a first.

He can hear it crying as soon. as they approach the stack of wood and he does his best not to worry. He can retrieve a kitten. With care, he begins to remove the logs from the stack.

"You poor thing," he says in an effort to calm the crying kitten. It sounds so pathetic.  "You'll be alright."

Crowley vibrates behind him, anxiety practically radiating off of him. He does that often. A stack of batteries has less energy than a Crowley in the throes of anxiety.

Finally, Aziraphale removed the perfect log, revealing the cowering black kitten. It blinks bright yellow eyes up at him as he reaches down carefully, ignoring the scurrying spiders, and lifts it into the cradle of his arms.

"There you go. You're safe now," he says softly. He swipes cobwebs from the kitten’s black fur and feels a surge of gratitude for Crowley for finding the poor dear.

Crowley dips closer, skinny torso weaving around Aziraphale like he was trying to get a better look. "What do we do with him?"

Aziraphale strokes two fingers down the cat's forehead and replies calmly, "I suppose feed him and house him for a night and figure it out tomorrow?"

The cat chirps almost in response. Aziraphale will need to go into town and pick up supplies. Shadwell should have a few things at the general store that will do fine for one night. Aziraphale hands Crowley the cat.

Looking lost, Crowley takes it gingerly. His eyebrows furrow as he pulls the creature close to his chest and tries to pet it, albeit a bit clumsily, shifting it from hand to hand as he tries to adjust. His palms are wide enough that they can fit the kitten almost entirely. It’s strange that Aziraphale notices. He sees the tendons flex in Crowley’s fingers as he cups his hand. Aziraphale’s vision narrows to the contrast of Crowley’s pale skin against the dark fur of the cat. It begins to purr, a low satisfied hum.

Aziraphale tears his eyes from Crowley’s hands—good hands, gorgeous hands—and looks at his face. Crowley is staring at the cat in his arms, mouth slightly ajar. He glances up at Aziraphale and his expression does something amazing. His sharp features transform into a disbelieving joyful grin that reveals that one crooked incisor Aziraphale had noticed early on. Unabashed, unashamed, this smile shouldn't have been any different than sitting under the stars and talking about dolphin conspiracies, falling asleep in the truck bed after a night on the town, but it is. It breaks apart the everpresent harsh lines around Crowley’s mouth. Gone is the frown that chases every laugh. Crowley looks happy. Crowley has dimples.

Aziraphale’s heart dips into his stomach.

"Oh my God, it’s purring,'' Crowley says in disbelief, beautiful heartstopping expression shifting miraculously into something that shatters the delicate shell of Aziraphale’s chest. "Do you hear that?"

Crowley glances at him again and frowns. Aziraphale realizes he is staring with his mouth open and closes it quickly. He is supposed to say something. Crowley had asked a question. What had the question been? Aziraphale needs time to think. His heart is racing and he needs to think.

"Right. Yes. I—I can go to the general store and get litter. I'm sure Shadwell has some. I should just...I'll do that. Right now."

Somehow Aziraphale ends up in his truck, driving down the back roads to Pine Grove, his mind lighting up with every moment he has shared with Crowley over the last 6 weeks. Has he been a fool?

He remembers, with clarity, meeting Crowley that first night. Thinking him flash and a bit rude. Clocking Crowley’s attraction to him on sight and thinking nothing of it. People like Crowley are a dime a dozen. Except they aren't. Crowley is kind under all his bluster. He's funny and good at giving as good as he gets despite his clear anxiety. It’s turned him into a good friend. Someone Aziraphale is glad to know. Someone he thinks he will want to know for a very long time.

And yes, he might have been ignoring some signs of Crowley's feelings otherwise. The way Crowley blushes around him. Or secretly buys him books of poetry and hides them in his bags like Aziraphale won’t notice. And while all signs point towards such an attraction being romantic in nature, Aziraphale doesn’t want to assume. He is no stranger to attraction without romance. In fact, he thinks the last time he had a crush on someone was in uni. He’s dated since then, of course, but it has been years since that specific tug in his stomach. That skip in the beat of his heart.

Not that feeling that had entirely consumed him as he had watched a smile bloom over Crowley's face in front of the woodpile.

Aziraphale pulls into the parking lot in front of Shadwell’s and takes a deep breath. Is he really going to try to figure this out tonight? Should he do anything at all? Any potential relationship between himself and Crowley would be difficult.

But Aziraphale never feels like this. This earth shattering, jarring sensation like everything in his life has rearranged just because Crowley smiled.

The bell above the door tinkles and the smell of sawdust and old building greets Aziraphale like an old friend.

"Bit late for an errand run," Shadwell grunts from the register in his out of place drawl. One of the oddest things about this part of America is the strange subset of mountaineers who speak with a different accent. And own far too many guns.

"Yes," Aziraphale says, still dazed. "We picked up a stray kitten out by the cabin and needed to take care of him for the night."

"Your fancy feller is still staying with you then?" Shadwell asks, and Aziraphale couldn't care less for small talk. It seems Shadwell doesn't either because he takes an Aziraphale tumbled yes and turns back to restore the Marlboros.

Crowley is waiting at home so Aziraphale tries to be quick. Except Crowley is waiting at home and Aziraphale isn't ready to face him. He hasn't made a decision.

He looks at the cans of cat food that look like they've been there for at least a few months and inspects the expiration dates without really seeing them because his vision is still swimming with images of Crowley.

Crowley awkwardly looking away when they sat down for lunch at the riverfront. Crowley's gaze lingering on his chest when he got out of the shower. Crowley's shit eating smile when he finally beat Aziraphale  at pac-man.

Aziraphale clutches at the meow mix in his hand and breathes through the pain in his chest. He can’t just give this up. Relationships fail for all sorts of reasons but it would certainly be doomed if he never even tries.

Aziraphale places several cans of cat food into his basket. Now to figure out how to tell Crowley. Another memory drifts into his mind, scented with salt and seagrass.

If I were interested in you, I wouldn’t use underhanded seduction tactics like forcing you to share a bed with me.

Aziraphale grips the shelf in front of him. "Oh, good lord," he hisses to himself.

Had he really said that?

And then Crowley had turned red and ran off to the bathroom. Well, Aziraphale probably has some apologizing to do. Some ground to make up.

Maybe he will plan something romantic. Crowley hardly seems the type to go in for being wooed. Roses and truffles certainly aren't the way to his heart. But everyone deserves to be wooed sometimes.

Aziraphale pays for his purchases and got back into the truck. His heart hammers for different reasons now. He is going to tell Crowley. Not tonight. But soon. Somewhere romantic. Somewhere that says I have feelings for you and I'm willing to put in the work.

Pulling up the gravel driveway, his stomach jumps in time with the bumps in the road. He certainly found Crowley attractive before. Or at least thought him the sort that people would find attractive. Thin, tall. Defined features. Well-styled, striking red hair. But he hasn't really thought about it. Hasn't really looked.

His hands shake as he turns off the ignition and he tips his head back against the headrest. He is about to walk into his house and Crowley will be inside. He will be in one of his tight black shirts. The sort that dip at his collar bones. He will be barefoot and Aziraphale will be able to see the delicate bones of his ankles, the rigid tendons of his feet.

And Aziraphale will want to kiss him. He knows he will. And it wouldn't be just any kiss. It would be a back you up against the wall and show you exactly how I feel about you kiss. It would be everything.

But it is most certainly too fast.

This is brand new. Aziraphale doesn't want to rush. He will make a plan and he will talk to Crowley, making it clear that their friendship is paramount and that his ability to sleep on Aziraphale’s couch is not predicated on Aziraphale’s feelings and they could...go from there.

Satisfied with his plan, Aziraphale goes inside and every little nice bit of what he told himself went to pot. Crowley is sitting on the floor playing with the little black kitten with a shoelace. Upon Aziraphale’s entrance, Crowley looks up and grins.

Dimples.

Aziraphale tears his gaze away lest he drop the box of litter and tackle Crowley against the floor. He turns away and kicks off his boots with more force than necessary

“Did Shadwell have what you needed?”

Is his voice going to do things to Aziraphale’s insides now too? Goodness, this is about to become unbearable.

“Yes,” Aziraphale manages, glancing over at Crowley to see the kitten climbing up onto his shoulder. The move has tugged down his shirt and revealed the ginger patch of his chest hair which Aziraphale has an insane urge to lick.

"I was thinking about names," Crowley says, crawling up into a standing position, careful not to disturb the kitten by his neck.. His shirt pulls taut over his thin chest with his movement, rising up at his waist and exposing the line of one of his hip bones. Good lord, how had Aziraphale not noticed the man standing right in front of him?

"Spider,'' Crowley says, draping himself over the back of the bar stool. Crowley does that. A lot of draping. Lounging. Dramatic really.

Aziraphale likes him so much.

Crowley must have interpreted the look on his face for one of confusion because he adds, "You know, like you said. There are spiders in the woodpile."

It is a miracle the Aziraphale doesn't kiss him then and there.

[owl-with-a-pen]

What if Nia had gotten so angry at lex after what happened with brainy, she went to go try and kill him? 😳 and brainy had to stop her. We’ve seen the dark side of brainy before but never in Nia really, discluding “reality bytes”

- Oooh, I like this idea a lot! I brought a few more characters into play for this as well, hope you don’t mind!

“I’m gonna kill him.”

Nia stormed past Kara for the third consecutive time, swivelling on her foot just shy of hitting the far wall so that she could continue pacing across Lena’s lab. Her hands were clenched so tightly together that her fingers were beginning to burn, but she didn’t care. All she cared about was ending Lex’s sorry existence once and for all.

“Nia,” Kara cut in, taking a placating step forward, “just think for a second-”

“You can’t stop me, Kara,” Nia snarled. She knew she’d gained something of an audience since Lena and Alex had returned from the recovery room, could feel their eyes tracking her every movement, but just thinking about who they’d been tending to, the state he’d been in when they’d found him in Leviathan’s ship, made the anger inside her chest that much more vitriolic. There was a pressure growing inside her skull, throbbing along to the beat of her heart. She stopped short, jerking her arm in the direction Lena and Alex had come from. “Look what he did to Brainy. Months of hurting him, putting him through god knows what!”

“And you have every reason to be angry,” Kara said gently.

Nia snorted, rolling her eyes. “Great, ‘cuz I was totally asking for your permission.”

“Nia-”

“No.” Nia turned to Kara then, jaw clenched tight. “Y’know what? No. You don’t have a right to tell me I’m wrong here. Lex kills people, Kara, did you think of that, huh? Did you think of who Brainy might have helped Lex kill? What Lex might have made him do?” Nia could feel tears burning in her eyes, could taste a thickness in her throat, but she forced every bit of strength into her voice regardless. “None of us stopped that.”

“None of us knew,” Alex muttered.

“And who’s fault is that?” Nia shot back, whirling on Alex accusingly. “Brainy’s? Or maybe, maybe the truth is, it was ours. I ignored my dreams and we all, we all ignored him!” Nia sucked air through her teeth. She knew she was trembling, but seeing those concerned looks on her friends’ faces did nothing to cool the fire welling inside of her. She swallowed hard, ignoring the iron tang in the back of her mouth, and drew out a slow breath. “But, most importantly,” she said carefully, “it’s Lex’s fault. This is all Lex’s fault.”

“I don’t disagree with you,” Lena said. Her expression had been especially still throughout Nia’s tirade, although something about it now looked distinctly uneasy. “But, Brainy was careful. I saw him-” Lena cringed suddenly, looking away.

Nia knew why, just as well as anyone else in the room did. Lena had known Brainy had been working for Lex – for months - and she hadn’t said a word. She’d kept his secret. No, no, she hadn’t kept his secret, she hadn’t cared about it.

“It was only brief,” Lena said quickly, glancing back to her, “but during that time, he promised me that no one would be harmed whilst he aided with Lex’s schemes. He wouldn’t have broken his code, Nia. Not even for Lex; I’m certain.”

“You killed him.”

“What?”

Nia stared at Lena coldly. “You shot him, right? You shot your brother in the heart and you didn’t think about it. Because it was justice.”

“It wasn’t justice-” Kara tried desperately.

“I’m not talking to you!” Nia gritted. She didn’t even spare Kara a passing glance. All of her attention was devoted to Lena. “Let her talk.”

Lena’s eyes were bright, shimmering things. Still, she didn’t look away this time. Instead, her lips twitched into sharp smile. “What do you want me to say?” she asked coldly. “That killing my brother was cathartic, that it closed old wounds that I thought might never heal?” She raised her chin. “No, you want the whole truth. That my actions stopped a threat that would have continued relentlessly unless someone had the nerve to take that shot. To leave his lifeless body to rot with the worms like he deserved.”

Kara made a pained sound in the back of her throat.

Lena glanced at her. “Don’t get me wrong,” she said plainly. “I don’t condone this. But, not because I don’t agree with her.” Lena turned back to Nia, her brow furrowed. “Nia, taking a person’s life is something you can never take back.”

Nia bared her teeth. “And yet, that’s exactly what the Anti Monitor did.” She gestured at Lena frankly, feeling wayward strands of dream energy snap and spark between her fingers. “Absolve you, or whatever.”

“I’d kill my brother again without a moment’s hesitation,” Lena said stiffly, lifting herself to her full height. “But, we can still stop him without resorting to that.” Her expression softened. “Even if we couldn’t, my actions, they aren’t yours. Nia, you don’t have the stomach for this. You shouldn’t.”

Nia clenched her hands again, feeling her energy pool into every digit. Vibrant blue light simmered against her palms. “No offence, Lena, but you don’t know anything about what I’m capable of right now.”

“Nia?”

Nia faltered, the shock of her power dimming as she half turned to meet the new voice behind her back.

Brainy was stood in the lab’s entryway, his shoulder pressed heavily against the wall. If the frailness of his expression was anything to go by, Nia was certain it was the only thing keeping him from keeling over.

His green skin was still far too pale to be healthy, and his blond hair clung to the side of his jaw with cold sweat, but he was awake. He was…

Why was he awake?

Between the two of them, Lena and Alex had been able to help along Brainy’s natural healing process using a cocktail of experimental drugs, the names of which Nia wasn’t even going to try to pronounce. But Brainy’s IV wasn’t present, instead she could see an angry looking bruise already beginning to blossom over the delicate skin on his left hand.

The dream energy dissolved from Nia’s hands in an instant, rocketing back towards her chest so quickly that she nearly choked. She rushed over to him, reaching tentatively for his arm.

This close, she could see the shadows that had sunk into his cheek bones, the red veins that still branched along the whites of his eyes. He held one arm protectively around his chest, clenched between the steady glow of his three life projectors.

“Brainy,” Nia said breathlessly, running her hand carefully along his arm, desperate to offer any kind of support she could. “You shouldn’t be up.”

Brainy clenched his teeth, lowering his head. “I-I overheard…” he managed.

It took her a second, but although his eyes were heavy lidded, Nia realised that Brainy was looking down at her hands, at the vibrant energy she’d summoned only moments ago. Something heavy settled inside her stomach at that look.

“Nia,” Brainy continued softly. “You- you don’t need to do this.”

A pained laugh caught in Nia’s throat. “You weren’t supposed to hear that.”

Brainy smiled tiredly, lifting his head with clearly more energy than he had to expend. Nia ached to do something for him, to take that hurt away, but the anger inside of her no longer burned like fire. Instead, it twisted deep in her gut, churning together with every bit of fear she’d been trying to hold down since the moment they’d gotten Brainy out of Leviathan’s clutches.

“Killing Lex…” Brainy said, meeting Nia’s eyes. “It will not take back what I did. I worked for him of my own volition, he didn’t force me into anything.”

Nia swallowed hard, closing her eyes.

“You have every right to be angry with me,” Brainy said earnestly. “But, please, don’t channel that anger into something this destructive. Lena is right. Taking a life is never worth it. There is always a better way.”

Nia’s eyes shot open at that. She blinked quickly, shaking her head. “I’m not,” she said. “I’m not mad at you.”

When Brainy only stared at her, Nia felt the twist in her stomach sour even further. She gritted her teeth, blinking back against the sudden burn in her eyes. “I- I don’t want to be,” she said weakly.

“It’s okay.”

Nia startled at the feel of Brainy’s fingers brush against her free hand. She clenched the one around his arm in response. “It’s not okay,” she gritted. “It wasn’t your fault. I-”

“From what I understand,” Brainy said, “emotions do not always make sense. But that does not make them any less real.”

For a long moment, Nia couldn’t say a word against him. Because, as much as she hated to admit it, he was right. She was angry, so angry, but she was also terrified and sick and hollow. There was a bitter hole in her heart, one that had only continued to grow in the months since Brainy had broken up with her. He’d barely spoken to her since, had hardly stood to be in the same room as her at all. The closest they’d gotten was work-related interactions and even then, he’d been so distant, like a part of him hadn’t even been there.

And when she’d seen Brainy in Leviathan’s ship, every single piece of bitterness had surged to life in a united front to keep her grounded, to keep her away from every other emotion threatening to tear her apart. It had warped into a violent rage, an acrid burn inside her lungs, fuelling her on this fruitless pursuit to, what? Kill Lex? As though that’d make her feel better, as though any of this would make her feel better?

Nia couldn’t find it in her to say that all out loud. Instead, she sniffed hard, biting her lip. “You left me alone,” she said lowly. “And that killed me.”

“I know,” Brainy said, his voice pained. “It… it killed me too, and I know this isn’t enough, that it won’t take away the hurt, but I am so, so sorry, Nia Nal.” His eyes fluttered suddenly, and he closed them quickly, lowering his head. “I will always be sorry.”

Nia knew this wasn’t the right time to have this conversation. Brainy’s complexion was already losing the little colour he’d gained; his jaw was tight with discomfort, and as a harsh shudder ran up his spine, she watched as he lost the last of his composure, leaning his head against the wall with a weak grimace.

Nia wasn’t sure what she was feeling in that moment, but when Brainy’s legs nearly gave out, she didn’t hesitate. Her arms were wrapped around his back before she even knew that she was moving forward, burying her face securely into the side of his neck. His skin was sticky with cold sweat, but she didn’t care, she only hugged him fiercer, unable to keep a sob from heaving its way out of her throat.

“It will be enough,” she whispered, feeling as Brainy slowly began to relax into her embrace. “It’ll just take some time.”

There was more she wanted to say now. The words practically thundered inside her ears, clawing to be let out. Words like, how much she loved him, how she’d never stopped loving him, but how even that couldn’t take away the resentment she’d stored against herself, against him, for leaving her without a proper explanation, for making her feel like her feelings were unwarranted, unreciprocated.

But her throat was tight, and the only sounds she was able to make were the harsh gasps as her chest hitched and fell outside of her control. She could hear Brainy’s pulse beating away against her cheek, the moisture of his own tears wetting strands of her hair.

All she wanted to do was hold on and never, ever let go.

Brainy didn’t say a word, either. Although, for him, it was for a far more pressing reason. His breathing was already beginning to strain against her shoulder, and when he suddenly dipped dangerously in her arms, Nia strengthened her hold around him, leaning them both against the wall to support their combined weights.

“So, does this mean no one’s murdering anyone anymore?” Alex asked from across the room.

Nia’s chest clenched. She’d totally forgotten that her reunion with Brainy had been met with an audience. She lifted her head from his shoulder, blinking against the brightness of the room before turning towards her friends.

Alex was already on her way over to them, her eyes reviewing every inch of Brainy in both parts medical and familial concern. Kara and Lena hovered awkwardly together, seemingly aware that crowding Brainy right now might not be the best plan.

Nia met Kara’s gaze warily, offering her an apologetic wince. “I…” she began.

“It’s okay,” Kara said softly, her eyes creasing with a smile.

Nia sighed, shaking her head. “Okay,” she said levelly. “Maybe, maybe we don’t have to kill him. But the next cell we put that asshole in, he’s never getting out of.”

Kara’s smile widened into a grin. “Now, that’s a plan I can get behind.”

“First thing’s first,” Alex cut in, rousing Brainy enough that he was able to glance blearily up from Nia’s shoulder. She pressed the back of her hand against his forehead, narrowing her eyes at the result. “You’re telling me what the hell you did with your IV. Then, you’re going back to bed.”

Brainy nodded weakly, mumbling a quiet apology, although Nia knew Alex wasn’t looking for one. In fact, she was pretty certain she’d heard Alex forgive Brainy at least a dozen times over while he’d still been delirious from the radiation.

Nia chuckled, helping Alex manoeuvre Brainy’s weight back down the hall.

“C’mon Wildcat,” she murmured into his ear. “We’ve got you.”

Maybe they hadn’t had a chance to get everything out in the open just yet, but they would. 

Once Brainy was healthy and rested, they’d have all the time in the world.

[narrators-journal]

Vampiric lust

This one’s extra ✨ spicy ✨ because I had some fun with the scenario. Also, is this likely gonna become an AU like Cat and Mouse? Likely lol.

CW: Somnophilia, vampires, some of the stuff might come off as super dark?

Vampires weren't known for getting attached to humans often, but it wasn't insane for it to happen. Though, most times said attachments were food related, as in the vampire would keep an eye on or keep a human around to repeatedly feed on them, Stanley Snyder wasn't trailing his chosen favorite for food exactly. No, the tall vampire was so interested in this one particular man for a few reasons, one of the strongest being that he was highly, highly attracted to him. It was true, Stan had his pick of men to sate his sexual needs, but few provided the thrill and challenge that Xeno Wingfield gave him. No, somehow the pale, deceptively-weak-looking, college-grad-turned-monster-hunter had drawn his attention and kept it for a year and a half at this point, a feat no other human he'd favored had managed. Usually, Stan would get bored of whatever human he'd decided to follow around within a month, but Xeno was interesting. He was a monster hunter, so of course he never quite feared the vampire, but more than that, he was openly hostile to him, something not many people had the balls to be. However, he wasn't keen on outright attacking the blonde, so it became a bit of an entertaining game for Stan to harass, flirt, and tease the college graduate until he got so annoyed that he was basically shrieking at him with creative threats. However, such an attachment came with an issue after a while. Not because of food, the vampire made sure to eat properly, but there were a few nights where his last remaining human urge reared its ugly head. On those nights, he mostly had to leave his usual spot in the hunter's yard and attempt to repress that last carnal urge so he didn't lose his mind and ruin his plans for his and Xeno's relationship, but it was a temporary fix to a festering, chronic issue. Tonight was a perfect example of the times he'd usually slink off to his own home and wait out the small, evil voice in his head, but this time he couldn't get away fast enough before things went downhill. Stan had been preparing to leave the hunter's yard as the dark voice in his head began demanding he just take his prey by any means necessary, demanding for him to finally fully sate the icky burn in his loins for intimate companionship, but than Senku decided to talk to him. Which, wasn't uncommon, the leek-haired apprentice-monster-hunter was a great source of intel on his mentor since he and the pale, cranky man didn't exactly get along, but sadly for the blonde's restraint, he was feeling extra spiteful tonight. So, that's how the handsome vampire got permission to enter their shared home. Alright, cool, I can now physically enter his house. Exploring it should definitely wait for a different night. The rational side of his brain told him. Or, I could go in tonight, while Senku's away, and scope the place out and maybe see what Xeno sleeps in. That second voice offered, an offer he ended up taking on an impulse. Usually, Stan had impeccable control of his instincts with only minor slips, but the sight of the hunter he'd been so attracted to so vulnerable before him did things to his predator side. There he laid before him, the man who'd shown the tall, well-built creature of the night no fear in any of their interactions, eyes closed, lips slightly parted to snore or murmur soft nonsense to the dark, quiet room that he'd just found like a piece of cake begging to be swiped from the fridge. All of his fire was gone, his bottomless eyes not glaring up at the blonde, instead his head was turned to expose his throat and seemingly invite Stan to just take a nibble, in either sense of the word. It drove him insane. If his hormones weren't already insanely high, they were sky rocketing at the sight. So, the tall blonde almost couldn't help himself from taking advantage of his night vision to creep to the foot of the bed and slither under the covers so he could not only feel his crush's pale skin, but also see his pajamas. While he'd hoped to see him maybe in his boxers, knowing from the bit of a shirt sleeve he'd seen peeking from under the comforter that he'd not get him sleeping completely nude, he was not expecting to see the small male's legs half open and nothing on but a white button up that was about two sizes too big for him and had ridden up to his stomach, allowing the horny predator to see his genitals easier. The sight near-instantly filled the man's head with lascivious thoughts. Shifting slightly barely helped the beginnings of an erection, but it did put him closer to the hunter's groin, and without thinking, Stan's tongue shot out to lick up Xeno's length, making the sleeping man's member twitch in response to his sampling. Just like that, all of his control was nearly gone and he was moving further onto the bed to take the taunting member carefully into his fanged mouth. Stan nearly groaned audibly at the taste, savoring the thrill having prey so vulnerable and at his mercy sent through him before beginning to slowly move up and down his length. He did his best to be cautious of waking him up, but already his blue eyes were blurring with lust that increased with each soft sigh and moan that slipped past the sleeping hunter's lips above him, his urges only kept at bay because he was already fulfilling one of his smaller fantasies. While he had regained control of his instincts a bit, his thoughts were still just as raunchy and slightly demented as they had been before. Oh you are so lucky that I can't risk leaving evidence. Otherwise I'd rail your cute ass into the fucking mattress, Xeno. It wouldn't even matter if you woke up and caught me, your ass would be MINE. Of course, he refrained from acting on such possessive and screwed up thoughts, helped by the reminder that leaving any evidence of him being here would ruin any chance he had of consensually getting the hunter into bed, which he preferred over bedding him by force. Option one meant he would likely get a second round, option two, while momentarily satisfying, would be a one time thing, which would fade after a while. So, Stan pushed back those amoral thoughts and just continued to bob his head and run his tongue up the college graduate's length or around the tip to draw out noises. Sadly, when the pale man began softly moaning and sighing while Stan bobbed his head gently along his stiffened length, that issue slowly lost all teeth. So, in an attempt to lessen that threatening urge, Stan reached his hand down between his own legs and palmed his own erection as he sucked more mewls and muttered curses from the hunter. And, for a time, it worked to keep his predatory side at bay. However, the added friction forced out some low moans of his own, which made Xeno gasp out a quiet, slurred,         "S-Stanley!" that dripped of desperation. That one groan held such a strong plea for the predator to fuck him silly, that it went straight to Stan's dick with so much force that he was insanely close to fulfilling that wish tenfold. Instead, the blonde pulled  Xeno's member from his mouth and press his face into the sheets to wait out the onslaught of impatience. His whole body was thrumming with so many possessive, creative thoughts and ignited hormones that the mental image of Xeno begging for a break from Stanley's merciless pounding sent the blonde over the edge into carnal bliss. Afterwards, it took a few moments for Stan to come down from the euphoria high and wrangle that voice in his head ordering him to give the hunter what he obviously wanted in. Alright, time to go, he told himself, taking the moment of clarity to be smart and leave before he did something stupid. However, as he was backing up to get out from under the comforter, he realized that Xeno's dick still stood erect and twitching, begging to be played with until he climaxed, which, admittedly, was a sight Stan very much wanted to see and hear. So, he returned to it, giving the eager thing a firm lick from base to tip before sucking it back into his mouth. He could've simply reached up and used his hand to stroke him, but he very much wanted to taste the pale hunter, so he bobbed his head along his length and listened to Xeno's sighs and mewls while he worked. The blonde hummed around it, relishing the thrill having a human at his mercy, yet not killing or harming them, brought as well as the salty taste of Xeno's precum. The low groans and occasional moans his movements brought out added to the excitement, but since the blonde had orgasmed, he was thankfully a bit more in control of himself, so he refrained from railing the hunter just yet, instead just bobbing his head until Xeno gave another gasp of his name and orgasmed into the vampire’s mouth. Stan grinned, drinking it down and pulling away again to lick the remains from the other man's shaft. With that, and his own orgasm, the blonde laid there for a moment or two, just watching the sleeping man's cock soften once more as he debated whether he could get away with maybe gently fucking the snow-haired man. I really shouldn't. He's very likely to wake up, and I don't have THAT much self-restraint. He told himself, and he knew he was right, his dark side was just waiting for a big enough moment of vulnerability from him to take over and get him into deep, pleasurable, fantasy-fulfilling trouble... Despite really wanting to do nothing more than fuck Xeno's brains out, the vampire forced himself to fully leave the covers and stand up in the dark bedroom. That gave him a chance to see Xeno still laying there, panting slightly, his cheeks a tint pinker. He looked so inviting and adorable, it went right to Stan's dick a second time, but he was able to resist the urge to get back in the bed. Instead, he just turned to leave the home.

[mst3kproject]

Attack from Space

What, you thought I was out of Star Man movies?

In the distant Sapphire Galaxy, the ferocious Superians (I think) have set out to conquer our universe, beginning with the planet Earth.  The High Council of the Emerald Planet doesn't like that, so off goes Star Man to suss out the Superian spies who are sabotaging our space programs.  This story intersects with that Dr. Yamanaka, a rocket scientist who has been kidnapped by the aliens and brainwashed into building them a fleet of super-spaceships.  It's up to Star Man and Yamanaka's two brave children to save the day!

You guys, you're not going to believe this but I think this movie had a fucking budget. I mean, it wasn't a big budget, but there's much more action and plot and much less of children in shorts running around pointing at things!  There's two different miniature space stations and a rocket ship that's better than the one in Radar Men from the Moon. There's a single plot that runs all the way through the movie and what's more, unlike the other Star Man movies it's not immediately obvious where 'part one' ends and 'part two' begins.  When I think about it, it's probably the point where the rocket blasts off from the secret alien base, but that is purely a hindsight thing.  This may be the best put-together film of the whole Star Man quadrilogy!

Don't worry, it still sucks.

Also in hindsight, I realize that the aliens are probably supposed to be the Sapphirians, seeing as they're from the Sapphire Galaxy.  But the actors keep sounding like they're saying Superians, which also works, since they're supposed to be a 'superior' race... and a couple of times I swore I heard Severians... like they're going to be severe with us, which they were when they started blowing up cities.  Now I'm really confused.

Anyway, like the other films in the Star Man series, Attack from Space begins with a narrator giving us the backstory.  In Evil Brain from Outer Space, this served to gloss over the robot assassin killing Ballazar and his minions preserving his brain, which is something I really would have preferred to watch. In Attack from Space, it just tells us that the, um... Silurians?  Are on their way. There's a brief time-killing interlude in which Star Man has to pass on destroying their space station because of the inevitable meteor shower, but then we get on to the idea of alien agents on Earth and the story proper starts up.  So for once, the narrator doesn't outstay his welcome.

Besides the whole actual budget thing, the other way in which Attack from Space surprises is by making a fairly superficial but apparently sincere attempt to be feminist.  This is the first Star Man film in which we've seen women among the aliens. The, er, Cyberians?  Are a mix of stiff Japanese extras and a few very embarrassed white guys whose lip movements suggest they're speaking English but saying something totally different from the lines that have been dubbed overtop.  The women we see appear to do desk work and monitor radio signals, kind of like Uhura on Star Trek, but it seems they can also serve as security guards, since Dr. Yamanaka's teenage daughter manages to pass as a guard just by stealing a, uh, Spherian? Uniform.

Yamanaka's daughter (according to IMDB her name is Kaoru... I think the narrator might have identified her as such but the name is never used again) is actually one of the most skilled and proactive of the human characters.  She's not the one who comes up with the escape plan (her father's assistant, who was given a name but I can't remember it, did that) but she is essential to its execution and to the eventual positive outcome.  In the final fight she makes a noble effort to save herself and actually manages to hold off the attacking, uh... Sumerians?  Long enough for Star Man to get to her. It's not the same as giving her a personality but it is definitely something, especially in a genre that's usually so relentlessly male.

But as with the other films in the series, most of Attack from Space is just a relentless parade of what the fuck.  There are fight scenes set to circus music.  The, um... Submarines?  They have two different uniforms – the 'rocket ship' version is a standard Japanese Alien silver baked potato jumpsuit, while the 'formal' one is just a re-used Nazi uniform, complete with heil Hitler salute!  There's a 'Death Star' but it's just a planet where the rocks are on fire.  There's a bit where they throw a dude over the side of the space station.  Are we meant to think he just floats around in space forever, or does he fall to earth in a fireball like what happened when Mike dropped the Hubble Space Telescope?!

The two space stations are plastic model kit wheels barely better than their counterparts in Rocky Jones, Space Ranger! and don't stand up to anything like the amount of scrutiny the camera subjects them to.  When Star Man tears one apart with his bare hands, it doesn't look remotely like a feat of strength – it just looks like a dude ripping apart a structure made out of wire coat hangers. Outer space is very windy and surprisingly breathable.  If it were just the, uh, Siberians?  Who stand around on the outside of their space stations unaffected, I might buy that, but humans do it too. Either way, it was nice of Star Man to politely shut the airlock door behind him after he busted his way in.

The fight scenes are delightfully silly – badly choreographed, badly executed, and badly shot, and because of it utterly hilarious. There's not a single punch that looks like it lands.  The best bit in the whole movie is when Star Man kicks a guy up the stairs with the power of reversed film (this is the obvious choice for a MST3K stinger)!  On the other hand, there are also some rather surprising bits where Star Man picks up a gun and shoots some aliens, which seems very un-superheroish of him.

The movie's scientist, Dr. Yamanaka, lives in a bunker on an island and wears a lab coat all the time.  This is explained as being because of his work in rocketry, which is top-secret and dangerous and therefore must be kept away from population centres and the employees well-protected... but it's such a mad scientist trope that it's still a bit of a surprise that he's never revealed as working for the, um, Sulfurians?  The whole time.

I don't know if it's worth it to try any sort of actual analysis on the Star Man series as a whole, but I do want to note that out of four movies, three of them involve a threat to the Earth that comes not from humanity, but from an outside force.  The Salamander Men, Ballazar's Brain, and the... um... Sirenians?  Are all alien creatures that want to take over the Earth as the first step to a greater series of conquests.  In Invasion from Space we were told that Earth is 'the richest planet in the galaxy' but this idea doesn't come up in any of the other movies.  So why do all these would-be galaxy-conquerors want to start with little old us?

Well, there's the obvious fact that we wouldn't have a comprehensible movie if they didn't, but let's look for a reason in the universe of the stories.  One might be tempted to speculate that it's because Earth is easy to conquer by the standards of these spaceship-building, atomic-weapon-mastering, sorcerer-summoning aliens, but that may be a premature conclusion.  All these beings seem to have heard of Star Man, after all, and if they've been keeping up with his adventures as we have (which we clearly have, as Star Man is allowed to address the UN at one point) then they must know the Earth is under his protection.  There must be something else that makes the Earth special.  What is it, exactly, that we're rich in?  It can't be minerals, because none of the aliens are ever seen mining.

Considering that both the, uh... Shakespeareans?  And Ballazar's Brain are seen to have Earthling scientists working for them, I would humbly speculate that what Earth is rich in... is humans!  In Atomic Rulers, the human Magolians (or whoever they were) were able to figure out how to blow up the planet all by themselves, which is something none of these aliens ever even tried! Dr. Kurokawa and his brother of Evil Brain from Outer Space were somehow essential to the invasion plan, even though we never really found out what was up with that.  In Attack from Space, the aliens kidnap and brainwash Dr. Yamanaka and his family to build spaceship engines for them.  They never say they couldn't have done that on their own, but they don't seem very interested in trying.

Maybe this is why the Emerald Men (at least I can tell what their name is) think they need to keep sending Star Man to Earth.  Humans are a resource that needs to be nurtured, not conquered, and someday we can help the entire galaxy to advance!  Or is it more sinister than that?  Do humans need to be kept isolated and protected, so that nobody – including us – can use our remarkable brainpower for evil?  We are very good at evil.  With the right tools, we could be an unstoppable force even greater than that of the... Saggitarians?  Even Star Man would be unable to stand in our way!

I dunno about you guys, but that makes me feel pretty special.