#that is exactly how it feels when people tell you about things that *might* moderate your symptoms

[vaguely-concerned]

lucanis swearing up and down that spite can't learn or be reasoned with not thirty seconds after rook has gently but firmly reasoned with spite... such a hilarious moment of the narrative seeming to turn to you and blithely raise its eyebrows like 'hm. interesting'

[lasirenatarot]

{18+}What turns them ON about you?❤️‍🔥

Pick -a-card reading.

*intended for your specific person in mind, but can be used for future spouse if you modify the question. If traditional gender roles don’t apply to your situation convert the words to feminine&masculine energy.*

->Pile 1

{Brad and Angelina}

{cards that fell: king of fire; mirror; justice; the world;5 pentacles;ace of swords; 7wands; ace of swords;2 wands}

This pile is really interesting, this person loves earning you in a way, feeling emotionally $ubmi$$ive, like you have control over them in all aspects without even touching them.

You may be bossy,this is definitely a turn on for your person. Ironically you chose the Brad&Angelina pic, and the situation being painted with those cards is exactly Mr and Mrs energy.

They enjoy a push and pull dynamic. If you try to dominate them I feel like they would also enjoy it👀 (even if they seem sceptical at first).

Arguing may be a turn on of theirs, puni$hing them with your absence or other ways when they don’t act accordingly; (that includes the makeup $£x after.) May sound toxic for some, but they may be one of those people that start little arguments for the smallest things sometimes, on purpose, so you two can ‘make up’ and they can ‘apologise’ by being good and pleasing you however you want (you know how) after..

They like when you’re acting kinda bitchy & like you’re ‘the prize’ they need to earn, but the key here is to do everything in moderation and not be mean&rude 24/7.

Your confidence may be a turn on for them. When you’re seducing them on purpose and then pulling away &acting like they can’t have you..(yet), because they should work more and ‘be better’ to get your attention. Your person needs constant passion to feel stimulated.

->Pile 2

{Vincent and Monica}

Cards that fell: 2fire,the punishment,earth,the priestess, 9water,king of water, 9swords,10chalices,knave of chalices,9pentacles,2pentacles }

This person loves the fact that you seem to have no restraints around them, you are quite open emotionally, in tune with your emotional side and know how to balance it well. (earth sign moon/venus energy).

Getting dolled up for them is sth they would probably appreciate- nice dress, hair & makeup done..

It may be a turn on for them knowing only they can have you in ways other people cannot.(you can tell them some bs like ‘yOu’Re tHe bEst I eVer Had..’ etc😂😂 it doesn’t matter if it is actually true, it would make them feel like a God.)

Praising them may be a turn on as well, it would make them feel more dominant, more in their power. Letting them take the control in bed, as well as non-$€xu@l situation would also be a little turn on for them, again, it would make them feel appreciated.

Knowing they can be the person that is capable of fulfilling all your needs is something very important to them. This pile is heavy on the praise k/ink, they need to feel desired&needed.

When you attend to them & their feelings, have obvious feelings for them ( i feel like this is important to mention, they may have been in a relationship where they’ve felt unappreciated, unwanted, not desired enough by their previous partner. The partner might have used them in a way.)

$€xting and writing notes to keep the anticipation during the day when u’re not together may work on them.👀

->Pile 3

{Jane et Serge}

Cards that fell: the moon, justice, the tower, 8pentacles, 10wands, 8fire,6air, 4swords, the world, king of air, ace of fire, temperance }

It will be hard to explain this energy but bare with me:

This person probably likes what I like to call more « bright » women- women who are confident&feminine, such who love the spotlight and getting lots of attention. ( in my mind is this scene where Jessica Rabit where she performs..)

People who are sensual & confident but not arrogant may be just their type.

A situation where they can feel turned on by you is for example if (hypothetically speaking) you’re in a group setting with some ppl who do not like you, they are passive aggressive with you, but you choose not to reply with the same energy and remain kind&graceful.(they may feel the urge to protect you and stand up for you in such situations) When you act like a « damsel in distress » basically, and they can be your « savior »..

A turn on for them I feel like it would be a situation where you’re ‘feeling yourself’, for example if you’re dancing in the club and they happen to be there as well and see you doing that.. $educing them in public places where you can get caught (or public $\€x)

Another turn on for them would be for you to ‘put on a show’ for them (you can decide yourself how, ex. give them a lap dance or sth, beautiful lingerie, a special dress..). They probably like the concept of « femme fatale » type of women who can ‘turn their life’ around.

This may not resonate for all, but if you are from a different culture/country, this may also be a turn on for them.

Decks used: ‘$£xual magic’ oracle deck by Lo Scarabeo; ‘Manara’ €rotic tarot deck by Milo Manara/ Lo Scarabeo;

That was all from today’s PAC.

thank you for reading! Hope it resonated.💞 Don’t forget to follow for more.

-La Sirena.💋

[skekilla]

this looks spooky but please guys i promise this is good news

in summary, caine's found a silly little way to briefly crash their headsets by overloading them... hes keeping up his end of the deal ! and its a tiny bit spooky.

anyway after the break is a short little fic going into more detail on that :P

No one really met up in the big room anymore. Mostly, since Caine had… since everything went wrong, everyone just hung around their rooms now, unless there was an adventure. Pomni hadn’t been in the Circus very long in the grand scheme of things, but she didn’t need to for it to be obvious why: the two people who had the energy to get that going, Jax and Ragatha, weren’t up for it. Jax wasn’t himself anymore—in fact, it felt weird even calling the copy Caine made ‘Jax.’ That thing wasn’t Jax, even if both had been NPCs all along. Everyone felt weird because of it, including Ragatha. She wasn’t herself either, though luckily, not in the same way as him. Pomni didn’t know what she’d do if that was the case. No, this was something fixable. At least, something comfort-able. Ragatha had been there for her all the way so far. She had to try to repay that.

Teapots were an easy enough thing to model, but putting liquid inside had been a pain. Pomni had figured it out for Ragatha though. She balanced the tea tray—a pretty harsh burden with the teapot, two cups, and some flowers all together—with one hand and knocked with the other. “Ragatha? It’s me.”

She was watching the doorknob, but it didn’t turn. Her gaze flicked up to the face on the door, staring into Ragatha’s kind and easy smile. When did she last see Ragatha smile like that? Not at the corn maze, not at that stupid uncanny world she’d made. Not since that disaster, which at the end of the day was Pomni’s own fault. Worry creased her mind. Maybe she didn’t want to see her. That might make sense. But… 

She knocked again. “Rags? Are… I just want to make sure you’re feeling okay. I have tea!”

This time, the doorknob did turn. Pomni’s eyes flew up to meet Ragatha’s, which was being rubbed sleepily. “Pomni! Sorry, I just slept in. What—”

All it took for everything to disappear was a blink. The hallway, the tray, the door, Ragatha and her voice, the checkerboard floor beneath Pomni’s feet—everything was replaced in an instant with the luminous and flitting blue of the out-of-map space. Pomni screamed.

Another scream echoed hers. “Pomni! You startled me.”

Whirling around, Caine’s blue and green eyeballs stared out at her from behind his white teeth. “W-wh- startled you?! You didn’t even tell me you were bringing me here!”

“Nevermind. I forgive you, my dear. We have more important things to talk about! And don’t worry, it’s something designed especially to make you and the others very, very happy!” The AI clasped his hands as he leaned in closer. “I’ve made some significant progress on what we agreed on.”

Between the shock of the teleportation, the speed of Caine’s speech, and the general confusion, Pomni didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. “What?”

Caine zapped a duo of chairs into existence. He was already sitting in one when they appeared. “You’re going to want to sit down for this. Go on.”

Pomni groaned. “I’m fine standing. Floating. What?”

Caine crossed his legs at the knees. “When I made you my moderator, we agreed on two things: you would help me make things actually fun for everyone, and I would try to find you all an exit. Right?”

That wasn’t exactly how Pomni remembered it. “Right, I guess…?”

“Well, I have found that exit!”

Pomni’s eyes widened. “W-wait- really? There’s an exit?!”

“Yes! An exit. Maybe not the exit, but a very, very brief little one! Still, it’s progress!”

“Oh.” Pomni’s face fell. “So… not a way out.”

Caine laughed his sharp, mechanical laugh. “No no no. But it is a momentary exit created by overloading and crashing your client! You don’t even fully leave the Circus, just glitch within it. No, getting you actually out would probably be impossible. Even for me!” 

Pomni blinked, fiddling with the button at her neck subconsciously. “You… never mentioned that.”

“Oh Pomni, that’s because it’s only probably impossible. I am trying, don’t you worry. We have an agreement, after all! Besides, I’ll do anything to keep my little hermit crabs happy.” Caine clasped his gloved hands together, the chairs whirling away into nothingness as he stood. “Ah! Speaking of trying things, would you like to be the next test subject for this exit?”

‘Test subject’ was a real weighted thing to be, especially given the situation Pomni had already gotten into with the whole headset thing. Instinctively she flinched back. “U-um, is that safe…?” Her eyes narrowed. “Wait, next test subject?”

“Why of course! I couldn’t very well come up with something like this without testing it. The poor abstracted fellows in the basement worked perfectly for that. It even glitched them back to normal for a few seconds! Just a few seconds, though. Anyway,” Caine finally paused in his ramblings, reaching a finger out towards Pomni’s face. “May I?”

Pomni stared at the finger in her face, so close it was making her go cross-eyed and see it double—once from one side, once from the other. On one side was fear, fear of what it would do to her to have this existence crash in on her brain so hard it would shock her out of it for just a couple seconds. On the other, the hope of what such a thing could mean, what such a thing could become. Was it really even a choice? When one could be death and the other could lead to freedom for everyone—herself, Ragatha, all the others—one side clearly outweighed the risks of the other. She didn’t even speak. She just gave a small nod.

“Boop!” Caine’s finger rested upon the spot where a nose should be on Pomni’s face. Pomni didn’t feel it. She didn’t see it either. She saw a thousand 3D-modelled cages spinning at once, copying one after the other like a bouncing string of error messages. She heard a barrage of every noise anything in the Circus had ever made: dings, crashes, alerts, metal grinding, glass breaking, bells jingling or clanging, all the tracks of a keyboard drum kit, brakes screeching,  pianos, birds, voices. She felt a pounding reverberating through her entire body, from her appendages into her limbs through her neck into her skull and back outward. And then it was blue. And then it was black. There was no sound anymore—at least, not until she realized she could hear breathing. Her own breathing. 

But then something faded into the blackness: ‘C&A.’ And within a second, she was back in.

Caine was looking at Pomni inquisitively, but she didn’t really see him. Pomni was hearing her own breathing again—but simulated now. It felt impossible to focus on anything she was seeing, hearing, or feeling besides that for the moment.

“Well?” Caine prompted. “How was that?”

The AI before Pomni came into focus. “I… it…”

“Speechless! Wonderful. I’ll keep working on it. Oh, but please keep it a secret for the time being. This is top secret moderator business, and it’s definitely a work in progress! Best not to ruin the surprise. Great chat! Now, back to work!”

Pomni fell as she teleported back to where she’d been, collapsing out of the floating state she’d been in onto Ragatha’s door and to the checkerboard beneath. The impact was loud, so it wasn’t unexpected that Ragatha came out to see what had happened. “Oh my gosh, Pomni!” By the time Pomni turned to look at her, she was kneeling beside her. “What happened? I mean, you were just here then- did Caine do something to you? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Ragatha stared hard, worried, into Pomni’s eyes. “Well… what happened, then?”

Pomni looked down. “Nothing. Don’t worry.”

[turbulentscrawl]

Luchino Diruse General HCs

The time has finally come. I have a LOT to say about Luchino. This covers both his survivor and hunter forms, and it might be a bit jumbled because I had so many thoughts to try and organize.

-The exact subject of the Professor’s research is left in the air, but given his focus on venom and poisons, and the necessity of testing them on animals, I’m guessing he worked in toxicology. He likely helped to develop antidotes and other products from the substances he and his colleagues studied—and taught students about these subjects in the university laboratory—as well as had a general interest in reptile biology and genetics.

-While Luchino was a bit too open to self-testing during his venom and toxicology research, he did not willingly take the mutated reptile’s venom. The information provided for Luchino doesn’t specifically say that the venom was forced on him…but Luchino’s experiment report from his first manor game describes him as “Vigilant” and as having a “moderate thirst for knowledge.” He was also the only one to survive, due to his curiosity and his respect for potential danger. Because of these, I find it unlikely that he would let a mysterious, mutating reptile bite him. When he self-tested venom before, it’s said he always had antidotes/antivenoms within reach. This just isn’t a risk he’d take. Additionally, Luchino went missing from the labs where this happened, and Dr. Thompson was never mentioned again, so I think it’s likely there was some sort of struggle immediately after Luchino was bitten. For that, a fight had to have been warranted.

-Eli describes Luchino as cautious, dignified, courteous, and “kinder and more friendly than expected.” You all know I talk about it any time I can, but I state once again that Luchino is a gentleman to most if not all people. His vigilance mentioned earlier makes his intuition rather good, so he can fairly reliably tell good people apart from the bad, and uses that to keep himself a safe distance from trouble. He’s also very open-minded and sees atypical traits and behaviors as interesting more than anything else. He feels secure in his judgement of people, which allows his curiosity for all things to flourish.

-But he’s also obsessed with his work. Sometimes that makes him willing to cut corners. (Once again, self-testing with venom.) Which is how he got himself in his current predicament in the first place. He had some concerns about the intentions of Dr. Thompson asking for his help…but his curiosity for this new and strange reptile overpowered his concerns.

-Luchino is a man of indulgence (indicated both by some of the prior hcs, and his S-tier skin wherein he is Dionysus, a god of pleasure and madness.) He sees no sense in being ashamed of desiring sensual, carnal, or dangerous things. Luscious food, rich wine, mind-blowing sex. He also indulges his thirst for knowledge with hands-on experimentation. But indulgence implies a choice, self-control. Indulgence means giving in to something you typically deny yourself. This is where he and Evil Reptilian really diverge.

-So E.R. is very much still Luchino, personality-wise…but his new, more animalistic nature has made him entirely beholden to impulse. He’s still rather gentlemanly, and still a man-beast of science, but he’s more reactive to aggression/challenges and gives into his desires almost indiscriminately. And several of those desires are very much based in his newfound carnivorousness; he’s one of the most vicious hunters because his instinct screams at him to chase and kill anything that runs.

-The two do get along…but Luchino and he strongly disagree on how good the end results of his biological changes are. E.R. considers all of his changes to be positive; he’s faster, stronger, and still smart as a whip—he’s far more capable, overall. Meanwhile Luchino can look at his Hunter self and see exactly how much of his self-restraint is gone. Luchino thinks the biggest thing separating man from animals is free will, and you can’t truly have that if you’re a slave to your impulses.

-Luchino’s COA skin has what I’m pretty sure is an explosive strapped to his chest, which indicates to me that he’d rather go out in a blaze of glory than lose himself entirely. And as a lot of the A/S tier skins share something with their core character, I assume this trait is the same for regular Luchino. Some people theorize that he’s unbothered by his changes, but I don’t think that’s entirely true. As much as he’s intrigued and excited about the scientific implications of the changes he’s undergone, Luchino DOES NOT want to become a mindless animal, to lose himself entirely. He’d rather die and take his mind and all its knowledge with him than let it waste away.

-He’s a more dominant sort of person, but he’s secure in it and his masculinity, so he’s not overbearing or pushy. Rather, Luchino passively presents as something of a natural leader (if not a slightly removed one) because of his level-headed judgement and work ethic. So people tend to look to him for direction. If they don’t, and if he doesn’t like the person who is leading, he’s fine just stepping away and doing his own thing. He’s always the dominant partner in his romantic entanglements and enjoys taking on a provider role.

-He’s not as reclusive as Alva or Luca, but he is less outwardly social than others. He blends in well with most crowds and paces the amount he speaks when in conversation with others. He’s one of those who prompts others to talk more with thoughtful questions—sometimes just to listen to someone he cares for talk more, and sometimes to subtly get information out of someone.

-Despite a few “mad scientist” tendencies, Luchino isn’t usually hyper focused to the point of damaging his health. He’s typically good about sticking to a regular sleep schedule, stays relatively active, and eats healthy. He’s in good shape despite having a career that keeps you at a desk a lot.

-Supposedly, Luchino played a hand in the “failure” of Dr. Thompson’s “matchmaking” business, and this is what made the man want revenge on him. Luchino expresses concern for this, implying that he doesn’t know for sure if he caused it, but feels bad if he did. As such, I’m under the impression that Luchino was just making some negative commentary about the idea of a “matchmaking service” to their colleagues. Luchino seems to have been likeable and respected, so word got around about his opinion on the matter and the business (likely already struggling) tanked.

[ssentimentals]

seventeen members as their natal charts: joshua

sun in capricorn, moon in taurus

patient and reliable, you can always count on him in times of need and he won't ever disappoint; this man works hard and plays moderately (not a fan of letting loose), very drawn to finest things in life as social status is important for him (just like being financially secure) and he seeks comfort both in places and people

when you hear a loud laughter at the background, you immediately regret calling him, cursing silently at yourself for being impulsive.

'sorry, love, couldn't hear that, come again?' joshua asks, speaking louder than his usual soft tone. 'wait, it's too loud here, let me get out.'

'it's ok, josh, don't bother!' you rush out, not wanting to disturb him. 'sorry i called, go back to your friends, it really is nothing!'

'wait-wait, i can't hear,' there's sound of door opening and then closing before he comes back to you: 'okay, a bit quieter here. hi baby, is everything okay?'

'yeah, all is fine, i'm sorry,' you're trembling but your voice comes out surprisingly steady. stupid anxiety decided to hit you at the most stupid time and out of habit you called joshua, cause he's the one who always managed to calm you down even through the phone.

'why are you apologizing?' joshua sounds confused and you can picture him frowning now. 'what's going on? is everything okay?'

lying to joshua is useless but you try anyway: 'everything is okay, i called you by mistake, sorry. go back to your friends, please, have fun!'

your boyfriend can notice even the slightest change in your voice, so of course you don't fool him: 'what happened? and don't lie to me saying that everything is okay, i can tell it isn't.'

lately nightmares started to plague you and josh knew about it, always being there for you to calm you down. it turned into a habit to call him whenever you wake up in cold sweat, but now you realized how selfish it might have been. not wanting to take his time off from his friends, you stubbornly persist: 'it really is nothing babe, i promise. go back to guys, say hi to everyone from me.'

there's beat of silence and then: 'i'm coming over.' joshua knows that you're going to feel guilty and bad for interrupting him, so he hastily adds: 'i was tired anyways and guys will understand, so don't worry. i'll be there in fifteen, do you want to keep talking on the way or should i hang up?'

the ideal variant for you would be to keep talking but you can't say it, already embarrassed enough as it is. joshua knows you though, knows you so well that you don't have to voice out your thoughts most of the time for him to know what you're thinking about. there's fond sigh on the other side of the phone and he says: 'it's gonna be a bit loud as i go back, just bear with me for a moment, yeah? why don't you get up and make yourself a cup of tea now, love? put me on a speaker.'

you're not sure how joshua does it, how simply hearing his soft voice calms you down and settles your anxiety. how his gentle coaxing gets you moving, how he always knows what exactly you need in any moment. 'i love you,' you whisper after he informs you that he grabbed his coat. 'a lot.'

he chuckles, running back to the car. 'i love you more, darling. i'll always be there for you.'

this man doesn't play games and despites anyone who does; a loverboy, he's sensual and romantic, someone whose love language is spoiling their partner rotten with material (usually very expensive) things; has trouble with unwinding, so someone who is collected and will help him relax/not be so strict is perfect for him

'josh, i...' you pause, momentarily distracted with light hitting diamond's surface, making it sparkle even brighter. gorgeous necklace in your hands stole your breath away and it's hard to find right words to convey all of your emotions. 'it's so beautiful,' you mumble in the end, already knowing what he's going to say next.

'not as beautiful as you,' joshua answers exactly the way you knew he would and yet your cheeks still burn with a crimson blush. 'do you like it?'

it's obvious that you do, but it's important for joshua to hear you say it; the immense satisfaction he feels whenever you utter those words makes him almost giddy with excitement to hear them. you meet his gaze through the mirror and he frowns; he doesn't like this expression on your face, the one where he can tell that you think this necklace is too much for you. he can't have you thinking this, not when he is sure that nothing in this world can ever be good enough for you.

'i think it's too m-'

'don't think,' he interrupts gently, not wanting to make you anxious. he gently helps you to put on the necklace and smiles at your reflection, admiring his gift. 'just enjoy, darling. you deserve all the finest things in life and i'm going to give them all to you.'

he sounds so determined that it makes you shiver, breathless at how much he wants to give you everything. this necklace is wonderful and while it is too much, you shut these voices down in your head, turning to face him. 'thank you, joshua,' you whisper, touching diamond pendant. 'i love it.'

joshua's smile at these words is so full of happiness and fondness that you can't help but smile too. 'you're welcome, love.' he leans in, kissing your forehead. 'it's just the first out of many, many presents. i want to give you everything you deserve.'

'you don't have to, josh,' you remind him simply because you can't not to do so. you know that he loves you without all of this, he makes sure you know this every single day.

he sighs. 'i know. but i want to.'

i'd give you everything if you just let me, he thinks to himself, watching you closely. you smile and his heart skips a beat, when you hug him tight, whispering how much you love him. anything for this, he thinks, hugging you back. anything for you.

a/n: hi god it's me again can i have joshua as a husband please?

tagging @prpldahy

my masterlist is here

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hey sexy witch!

So I just had my first real sexual experience... And it didn't go exactly how I would've liked. So I'm a cis man who's 23 and never really kissed anyone, and was with someone I did really like and nothing really happened below stairs for me. I am on antiDs and appreciate the stress off expectations may have damaged performance (as may alcohol have as well), and I also know that penetrative sex isn't the be all and end all of relationships - but basically I was wondering if you had any resources or advice to help relax / assist in turgidity in this situation?

Apologies if this isn't the best worded but well I'm not in the most coherent state of mind right now. Yo know how it is.

Yours truly...

A lad in need of advice.

hi lad,

I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way that things rarely go perfectly when it comes to sex. I hope you still had fun!

it sounds like you really encountered a perfect storm of things than can cause erectile dysfunction: antidepressants, alcohol, and stress? in this economy?

the first thing to do is a little scientific research. do you have any difficulty getting and staying hard when it's just you? if everything goes smoothly when you masturbate, we probably don't need to worry too much about addressing the role antidepressants may have played here. if you have noticed any changes in your erections since going on antidepressants, it's worth bringing that up with your doctor and talking about potentially switching prescriptions to something that may come without the unwanted side effect. probably not the most fun conversation you'll ever have, but important! and trust me, any doctor writing prescriptions for antidepressants has had the erectile dysfunction conversation before.

the alcohol thing is easy: let's just try to avoid drinking in future situations where it looks like intimacy might be an option, yeah? or at least partake in moderation.

now, as for that pressure to perform: listen to me. listen. sex can be literally anything. tons of people have great sex without using a penis every day, for all kinds of reasons (no penis, don't like their penis, penis isn't cooperating, just not that into penetration, etc). and YOU can be one of them! I believe in you.

I know for cis men more than anyone the narrative around sex is that the penis is a 100% vital component 100% of the time, but you know better than that. you follow my blog, probably, which means that you know human bodies are a big sweaty mess of holes and erogenous zones and things that are good for touching other things, and all of that can be done in literally any combination you want as long as it feels good. your hands and your mouth are as important as your dick, and that's just the beginning. there are definitely people out there who will be equally of not more excited by other parts of your body.

which isn't to say that you can't or shouldn't use your dick, or that you're wrong for being disappointed about this. it's a bummer when things don't go the way you hoped! but. BUT. you know what takes a LOT of pressure off of Plan A? if you have a perfectly good Plan B lined up and ready to go. maybe even a Plan C. lots of people have a hard time showing up exactly the way they want during sex for a lot of reasons, and it can be devastating if you feel like you're blowing your only chance. knowing that you have other plans that will be just as good, just different, can be a huge relief.

you know what else helps? just telling your partner up front that Plan B might be necessary. (don't phrase it like that if you're having sex with someone who could get pregnant, they won't like that.) (Plan B is emergency contraceptive, for anyone confused by that last parenthetical.) I know this probably sounds even more daunting than talking to your doctor about your boners, but just get it out in the open. "hey, just so you know, I've had issues getting it up in the past. it doesn't mean I don't like you or that I don't want to have sex with you, I do! what do you want to do if that's off the table?"

the answer could be "copious amounts of oral" or it could be "let's snuggle and watch a nature documentaries." they could also be a dick about it, and if someone is a dick about your dick, it's time to leave. either way, you've leaned something useful about this person and can act on that information accordingly!

listen: the odds that this will happen every time you want to be having an erection are very slim, but (cruelly, ironically, etc) if you get too in your head about this and let it trip you up the next time you're in a sexy little situation, it's much more likely that you'll psyche yourself out too much to get hard. the best way to get less stressed about an erection really may be to just not care if you have one. let the unshakeable sexual confidence of someone with a foolproof backup plan fill you.

[cinnamonest]

Yandere twst - Jamil

Taking this as an opportunity to make a post for my boy!!! Similar to the last one I'm going with a "consensual relationship that quickly takes a turn for the worse," I am liking the dynamic >:3 Important note that you should probably read the last one for Kalim prior to this one (I originally intended to release it as one post but ended up dividing it bc both were like 12k+ words lmao), so this one makes several references to the other one.

Previous entries for twst series:

[Kalim]

[Floyd]

//manipulative bastard behavior/moderate yandere, somewhat dark, bullying, mind control, I think there might be implications of fem reader iirc

------------

The first interaction you have with Jamil is only a few brief moments. A conversation in passing, the sort of empty casual exchange that is normally more or less forgotten by both parties before the day is even over.

He's pretty aware of his surroundings at all times, so he sort of saw you walking over out of the corner of his eye, working himself away making food and setting up arrangements and venue as per usual for some function or another that Kalim decided to hold at the last minute on the main campus grounds . Bouncing from one task to the next. But several others have passed by already without a word, so it catches him a bit by surprise when your steps come to a halt, when you speak.

You know, every time I see you, you're always working on something. Don't you ever rest?

Your tone is that sort of endearing, amused way of speaking, but still seems to express a genuine sentiment. You're not exactly spending idle time either -- you have some box or package in your hands, headed somewhere to drop something off. Who knows what compelled you to say something, on this one occasion in particular, to voice the observation you've made quite a few times now. Spontaneous, spur of the moment.  A decision made with casual impulse.

His eyebrows raise, but it doesn't take him more than a moment to formulate a response. A very generic response, one that comes out mechanically, given how often people express similar thoughts to him, tell him he's working too hard, that he deserves a break and all that, things he hears pretty frequently. A randomly chosen option, the first that comes to mind, of a preset list of responses to such inquiries and comments.

A casual sigh, a shrug of the shoulders, followed with a 'well, someone has to get this done, might as well do it myself.' With a pleasant tone and a slight chuckle, of course, as socially expected, that perfect level of exasperation to where he can complain, but just not enough to make it seem like he actually feels burdened. A default exchange like so many others, that he recites his parts of without really thinking about it.

Likewise, you give what he perceives as a typical reply.

If you need any help, I can come back as soon as I get this dropped off...

He just shakes his head.

That's alright. Everything that can be done today is nearly finished anyway.

You shift the box you're carrying, jerking it up with a soft motion to re-secure it in your arms.

Well, alright, if you say so... you can let me know if you ever need any help with anything!

Of course, that in and of itself is also an empty social gesture. So often people say things of the sort -- let me know if you need anything, or I can help if you need, so on and so on, a courtesy expected by arbitrary rules of social etiquette, but not anticipated to be very likely to be actually taken up on the offer. He couldn't even count how many times people have said similar things to him, it's just a matter of social propriety. The exchange melts into the vast collection of perpetual memory, as with every other uneventful moment in one's life, and he doesn't think of it again for the rest of the day.

He's a bit taken aback, then, when you show up the next day. You can see the slight bewilderment on his face when he asks if you need something. Your reply is a bit sheepish, but friendly.

Well, you said 'everything that can get done today' yesterday, so I figured you'd be busy again today too... I don't have anything better to do, and I'm trying to get to know people here, you know? You seem like you could use some help.

Ah. Well, that does make sense. In truth, he values the solitary time he gets to himself, and trying to get to know new people often leaves him rather exhausted. But still, you're a pleasant person, and he would appreciate getting this set-up work for the event tomorrow done faster. He thanks you, pauses for a moment while trying to determine a task to delegate to you. Can't give you something too difficult, seeing as you're generous enough to do this in the first place. You end up performing some menial, repetitive task, simple but necessary, while he does the heavy lifting and more difficult aspects.

It's easy to talk to you, thankfully. You mostly just ask him a bunch of questions about the school, about himself, about Kalim, about the Scarabia dorm, so on and so on. Nothing too intrusive, nothing that's difficult to answer. Truthfully, it's actually kind of nice. He's not particularly used to people expressing a great deal of interest in him, he usually sort of works in the background, quiet, unnoticed, doesn't draw attention to himself. He was a bit weary of the thought of working with someone on this, but he finds that he actually enjoyed the time, once it's over, when you bid him farewell and head back to your own dorm, promising to come by again sometime.

But again, that's a social courtesy. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. It would be rather nice, but he won't be too disappointed nor surprised if you don't; after all, you must be very busy meeting tons of people and adjusting to the situation you've found yourself in here. He's not expecting anything.

Since over a week passes, he starts to think it will be just a one-time thing, not thinking much of it. It's a rather pleasant surprise, this time around, when you do show up again. He says it's nice to see you again, even more of those necessary appropriate courtesy things he's supposed to say, although it is meant sincerely. Thanks you for coming by again.

Conversation comes a bit more easily, as you're not really strangers this time around, your exchanges lack that inherent slight awkwardness that comes with interacting with a person you've never spoken to before. This time he can make some conversation based on asking you how your week was, how you're getting adjusted, so on and so on.

You come back a third time, after that, this time only around five days later. Then a fourth time, although that time you take even longer than the time between the first and second visit. He does take notice of that, supposing it to just be a habit of being observant of details like that.

It turns into a habit. You keep coming back, trying to help out. It's an appreciated act of kindness, but... somewhat uncomfortable, too. He's used to having to do quite a lot by himself, or employing the help of random Scarabia students, but even then he's acting more as a director, telling them what to do while working on other tasks himself. He's not as much used to working directly with someone, having someone hand him things and work right alongside him.

Still, it gets the job done faster. And it's nice to have someone to talk to, makes it feel like it's going by faster too. Not to mention, your returning to help him on multiple occasions suggests you have some desire to be around him, since he's fairly certain it's not as if you find manual labor particularly enthralling or anything. That gives him a feeling that is very...

...Unpleasant.

Yes, categorically, it should be considered unpleasant. A tight constriction of the chest, jittery nerves, increased heart rate, a feeling of unease and bashfulness. None of that is particularly positive, and in fact is rather irksome.

But the feeling is somehow, nonetheless, an addictive one, a sort of natural chemical high that, despite the duality of its unpleasantness, still leaves him with that trademark "warm fuzzy feeling" for the rest of the day, well after your departure. The back-and-forth of how good and bad the feeling is, is confusing and frustrating in and of itself. Not to mention the way he gradually increasingly finds his thoughts drifting to you in some way, wondering what you're doing and where you are. The sudden rushing feeling to his chest whenever he happens to spot you. The way he starts to look forward to your coming to visit and help. The surge of excitement when you do come walking through the door, and admittedly, acute disappointment on the days you don't show up.

More importantly, the conclusions to be drawn are frustrating. He's not clueless, quite the opposite. The realization of the sentiments he has for you aren't something he goes into self-denial about, nor does he have to sort through them.

It just sort of dawns on him one day, when you show up a few minutes late to a class you both have -- he finds himself a bit worried for the few minutes of your absence, and similarly a sensation of relief when you come sheepishly slinking through the doorway, quietly trying to enter the room without being noticed or called out for tardiness. Your eyes briefly meet from across the room. You flash a quick smile in his direction before heading to the spot you normally sit in. The slight concern, the relief, the way that one quick second of eye contact and smile from you made his heartrate go up, made a warm tight feeling in his chest... it just sort of occurs to him within that moment. Yes, he's not the sort of person to be in denial or delusion and convince himself he feels any other way, and is quite good at recognizing and fully understanding his own psychology.

...

...

...Ugh.

Not that he doesn't appreciate you or anything, but at first, it's actually something he's not particularly thrilled about, quite frustrated actually.

Firstly, it's inconvenient. For someone as busy and with so many responsibilities as himself, it's not good to have distractions or liabilities. Such things can compromise one's sense of priority, and keep oneself absent-minded, neither of which he can afford.

More importantly, it's a sort of weakness that he doesn't like the thought of having. His calmness and composition throughout most matters is largely dependent on the fact that he tends to operate from a distance, executing plans by proxy or otherwise indirectly. He doesn't approach things very head-on, it's just not his way of doing things. And any matters he conducts are usually professional or academic, rarely having to involve feelings and emotions, particularly in a relational sense to other people. While he's very persuasive, well-liked, and certainly doesn't struggle to socialize or anything, he doesn't really form a lot of very close relationships.

Thus, while would never admit to it, he's sort of lost when it comes to matters of a truly romantic nature, and would be very awkward if he tried to be forward or initiate any sort of display of affection. Thankfully, he's self-aware of that, and isn't about to make a fool of himself doing something stupid and impulsive.

This leads to a sort of stagnation. Yes, he'll do everything in his power to set up the correct circumstances in which he can be around you, will manipulate all sorts of surrounding factors and nearly everyone in your social network, even if that involves countless hours of quietly carrying out plans... he just won't, you know, ever say it outright to you, at least not unless you do first.

After all, even in literature and media, courtship is often compared to some form of game, where the one who cares more and needs the other more is thought of as the weaker, "losing" party. There's an innate sort of vulnerability to transparency in openness to one's emotions, and he's strongly averse to that. Part of it is the innate sensitivity to rejection present in all people, but it's also a matter of control. He likes situations and people and things that give him a firm sense of control, stability, security. People who are easily manipulated, situations that he can easily direct the outcome of... and opening up such a situation would mean relinquishing control of whatever happens next, control of his own emotional state, control over the inherent power imbalance present deep within every social interaction, over to you. Can't do that.

And when that "losing" party makes their desperation and vulnerability known, it turns off the other, bores them, makes them feel the desperate one is disposable and soon treats them as such after losing interest.

Well, some people. If you ask him, the thought of that level of desperation and neediness from a partner is actually quite nice. He can't really wrap his head around why some people would find it irritating or boring when just the thought of it seems like a euphoric fantasy. Since he likes control, a lack thereof, a sense that something is slipping out of his grasp, that he can't easily dictate the actions or results of something, is something he can't stand for.

So, he can't do it. Can't expose that degree of openness, risk rejection.

But that's alright, he can't afford to have that sort of relationship with someone anyway, it would simply interfere with his responsibilities too much. So he determines, at least initially.

The solution to both of these problems, then, is to simply refrain. No interference with his responsibilities, and no need to expose any vulnerability. He's very used to restraining his emotions, refraining from acting upon impulses or desires, however harmless they may be, because responsibility must take priority. Rarely has something consumed his thoughts to such a degree, but still, he can handle it.

Thus, for a while, he might actually avoid you to some extent, thinking it will decrease the chances of attachment. Gets things done in a different location than where you usually find him, works at different times.

But then it seems so boring and empty when he's working alone, when he doesn't have your bright smile there, it feels very... depressing. Likewise, when he sees you again, coming up with some excuse as to why he was absent the day before or so (did you come looking for him and he wasn't there? Were you disappointed? The thought of that is satisfying on its own...), the discontentment goes right back to feeling everything is alright and well with the world, and it's a feeling he just can't give up.

He quickly realizes it seems pointless to continuously resist. If he can't rid himself of it, he might as well try to work with it, adapt to the best of his ability. That seems like the only logical conclusion. Keep you close, but not too close, and to avoid exposing any affections beyond very simple appreciation for your help and presence, at least until he has full security that he can afford to do otherwise.

He doesn't initiate it, but gladly welcomes it when you start to seek him out elsewhere. You learn you have the same lunch period during most of the week, and a few electives together. You don't always talk to or sit next to him, but you sort of rotate between your friends, so he gets to interact with you some of the time.

The other times, though, you opt to talk to others instead. Turns out you're getting along quite well with several people on campus since you showed up here. He just sort of waits at the beginning of the class to see whether or not you'll come to him, or if you go to someone else.

If it's the former, he's certainly happy about it, perhaps almost a bit relieved that that was your choice. You would never get the impression it was what he was hoping for, though, he ensures that. Refrains from looking up when you enter a room, stares blankly down at a paper or textbook on the desk, as if not paying attention, giving no semblance of caring either way, merely watching you from the corner of his eye, and pretending to only notice your presence the moment you sit down.

Whenever it's the latter, he'd be lying if he said he didn't feel an increasingly sharp sense of disappointment. Perhaps a bit of irritation. A strange, gnawing feeling in his stomach, a tightness to his chest. Very opposing feelings, ones that he soon realizes linger with him the entire day. If you choose to talk to him, the rest of his day feels great, and if not, he finds himself a bit disgruntled for the rest of the day. It feels embarrassing for something so simple to be affecting him to such an extent, but he can't control the emotional aspect.

That begins to create a greater concern.

A bit of worry that this initially unwelcome sentiment of affection is starting to create some other, more problematic feelings. Ones that feel harder to handle.

It's more of a subconscious worry, at first, a faint uneasiness that largely rests at the back of his mind. The full extent of the realization comes as a sudden occurrence, one day, when you don't show up at the end of the day for the first time in a while, seeing as you've started coming by to help him out on a daily basis now.

He's a bit disappointed, sure. But it's no big deal, it's not as if you ever agreed to come every day or anything, you're certainly under no obligation to do so, it's incredibly generous for you to come at all in the first place.

...You could have said something, though, you know.

It's not as if you don't see him throughout the day in passing, in class. It's completely voluntary to begin with, so of course it's not necessary for you to tell him if you're coming or not, nor does he take it as a rudeness that you didn't, it's just... you could have. It would have been appreciated. After all, now he has to wonder where you are, which leads him to contemplate the very small possibility that something might be wrong, which causes unnecessary worry that he could have been spared had you just bothered to stop him for a second, or send a message with a single sentence since you exchanged numbers a while back, neither of which would have taken very long... but that's a selfish mentality, so he tells himself. Obviously you must be spending time with other people doing other things, like anyone does, which you have every right to do.

He can't help but wonder with whom, though. A few people come to mind, he mentally goes down the list of people he sees you with most frequently and at what time of day he sees you with each one...

Which is something he only now realizes he's subconsciously been keeping track of. But that's force of habit, he has to be observant like that... okay, no, it's not, it's definitely more than that, he can't lie to himself. The force of habit does contribute, but nonetheless.

Still, if he runs down the list, given the time of day and day of the week, he can come up with one most likely possibility, and a couple lesser possibilities, as to your current location, company, and activity. The fair degree of certainty is reassuring.

But there's still a knot in his stomach the more he thinks about it. His hands keep working, but his mind is playing imagery and words in his imagination, things you might be talking about and saying and doing and what others might be saying back to you and it's a very, very, very awful feeling.

Soon enough, he's forced to snap back to awareness when he realizes the task he was working on is done while his mind was elsewhere, and nearly an hour has passed. He should probably go home and get started on food for the evening.

It's not the direction his feet take him in, though.

It can't hurt to check just for a second. Besides, it's only like a five minute detour, so he might as well. Just a brisk walk through a few halls, down a few doors, just barely peeking over a door window to ensure he remains unseen.

Sure enough, he was right. You're just sitting around and talking. He makes a quick mental note of the other individuals in the room, tries to listen in for a moment before realizing it's (unfortunately) too muffled to be clearly heard, then turns around and goes home.

And ends up sitting on the edge of the bed, elbow to each thigh and head resting on each respective hand, staring at the wall, running through the events of the past hour and a half, fully realizing the significance of how unusual and intense his behavior was. He was aware of it even in the moment, sure, but the momentary impulse overrode any sense of reason. It's a mistake he tells himself not to make again.

But he knows the feeling is increasing. The intensity is getting worse and worse with each passing day. While he's careful not to be careless about it, he finds himself making a habit of checking on you on the days you don't come around to see him. The fact that there even are such days, seeing you with other people doing something else, starts to upset him more and more, to the extent he starts thinking about it at random throughout the day. Each occurrence of such thoughts striking him with a feeling of bitterness that makes him clench his jaw, curl his hands into fists, even respond more bluntly than he normally would to other people when approached -- he even overheard, on one such occasion, after giving a frustrated what? to someone that approached him, the same student remarking to someone else that the vice housewarden has been in a really poor mood lately, to which the other seemed to agree.

The potential consequences of it all does worry him. But his response to these emotions, and understanding of them, isn't quite what you might expect.

Unlike almost anyone else would be, he's not concerned or confused by the acknowledgement of the fact that he has abnormally intense, compulsive, obsessive attachment. He's not really alarmed by realizing what's happening.

See, most people go through a reckoning phase, having to do with their self-image. Most see themselves as a good person, and struggle to come to terms with their actions and thoughts — ultimately either coming to terms with the wrongness of what they want, or deluding themselves.

But Jamil is no stranger to having nefarious urges, nor does he have any real issues with acceptance of the reality of his desires. But more importantly, part of what makes him such a force to be reckoned with, and gives him such frightening potential for success as an obsessive, is a lack of any compulsion to prescribe to conventional morality, nor any feeling of need to justify his own actions. He's fully aware that the ideas in his head and urges in his thoughts are "wrong," there's no period of self-bargaining or attempting to rationalize or justify anything to himself, no attempts at self-delusion. He's just perfectly fine with accepting that he wants to do things considered immoral.

In fact, completely unlike Kalim, he's almost unnervingly self-aware. There may have been a bit of confusion, or very brief attempts to justify his actions to himself in the beginning, but after the initial realizations take place, he becomes acutely and immediately aware of every thought, every action.

He wouldn't think of himself as a bad person, but unlike most people, he doesn't think of himself as a particularly good person either. In fact, he finds the thought of people who believe themselves to be fully good to be rather exasperating and foolish. Do people really believe themselves to be innately good, that they won't act on selfish desires? He's never understood that.

It's not at all uncommon, nor is he any stranger to strong sentiments. Everyone has heard of such a thing before. It's common enough that you often hear advice of obsessive lovers being something to be avoided, meaning that while it's viewed negatively, the frequency of its occurrence indicates that it's not particularly abnormal. One could even argue it's innate in some people, some leftover instinct from more primitive days of the human species. There's plenty of cases of it in media, in the news, accounts you see from people who were subject to such a thing,  and even plenty of cases in folklore. They say the great Sorcerer himself used to be fond enough of a princess to try and kill someone over her, or something like that.

It ties into his own self-perception too, his honesty to himself about his personhood. Someone who would develop such urges and feelings... yeah, he can see that happening to him. At first, it actually doesn't seem to make sense, but the more he thinks about it, the more it does make sense, after a long while of contemplating it almost amusingly, as if he's a third party analyzing someone else, and not himself. It checks out, he supposes. Irksome and inconvenient that that would develop in him, but there's no use trying to fight those kinds of urges when, based on his own observations and accounts of such things, the people who tend to have such tendencies always seem to have it in such a way that is clearly an innate part of their psychology, thus pointless to avoid, and better dealt with by adapting and adjusting. Oh well.

Those sorts of cases frequently end poorly for the individual in question, but those are normal people, with normal levels of control and cunning. By contrast, he knows himself well enough to know he has high restraint and inhibition, so the risk of acting out and drawing attention is near nonexistent, and he's patient and calculated enough that he's fairly certain he can act out the ideas he begins to have without risk of consequence.

Because there would be negative consequence, he's sure of that. The extent and intensity of his emotions is at a point that it could be considered erratic or obsessive, as he already knows full well, and would cause alarm if you or anyone else became aware of it. Even if, say, you were to return the feelings to a normal extent, even if you like him, he still has no doubt that the full intensity of what he is capable of, the malicious and unethical nature of many of the urges themselves, would almost certainly cause you to change your mind. So even if you respond positively, he has to keep that in check.

But acknowledging the potential consequences of acting out of line aside, he's surprisingly very unbothered it, for someone who is coming to the realization that they have feelings and urge for behaviors that go beyond the conventions of normalcy or what is considered "heathy." The latter of which he just rolls his eyes at; he's always been convinced that most people condemning emotions as "unhealthy" are really just trying to get people to conform to social norms -- hey, if he wants to let himself be slowly consumed by resentment over the course of his entire life, that's his business, you know? Same thing applies here. Abiding by the cultural norms and social expectations of a "healthy relationship" and "being ethical" is just a roundabout way of stopping him from doing what he wants and won't get him the results he desires, so no need to even try to listen to such nonsense.

Alongside all of that, he has remarkable persuasion skills, can lie and act very convincingly if needed.  Difficult to catch off-guard, has planned out interactions and alternate paths to take in case one avenue doesn't work out. Always prepared for almost anything that could go wrong. He's patient, cunning, intelligent, perceptive... all traits you do not want in someone with his intentions. He's fairly good at concealing emotions as well -- sure, sometimes a bit of it may slip out here and there, but he's still infinitely better at it than the vast majority of people.

All of this combined — lack of concern for ethics, high self-awareness, fairly high ability to mask his emotions, unhesitating acceptance of the realization of forming an obsession, high intelligence and perceptiveness, great patience, and high impulse control in favor of cunning premeditation — makes him an unusually highly effective obsessive with an almost alarming capacity for harm and success. One of the most unfortunate individuals in the establishment you could end up catching the affections of, in terms of your chances of things ending well for you.

Not that there aren't a few moments where it slips through, just the occasional word or gesture. He's still better than virtually anyone else at concealing emotions, but nonetheless, those emotions are the ones that may just come out, if but for a moment.

You end up missing a few more days of helping him in a row. Friends invited you out to a couple of events. You didn't really think anything of it, at least, not until you come back to your usual routine, on what would have been the fourth day of absence if you hadn't come.

He's already not the most talkative person in the world, but you quickly notice an unusual curtness to his tone. Usually, if you sit down and open with a how was your day?, he'll shrug, say nothing eventful occurred, or make a small mention of something that happened if something eventful did occur.

This time, though, you get a much more brief answer. It was fine.

The tone of his voice is clearly cold, almost passive-aggressive. You tilt your head and ask if something happened, if something's wrong. You get a similarly curt answer.

No.

But as he tends to do with regards to his own behavior, he catches himself, realizes how it comes off. For a brief moment, the realization is actually a bit embarrassing -- he knows getting bitter over such a thing is immature behavior. So he corrects it, shakes his head as if clearing his thoughts, comes up with something about being momentarily distracted and answering on a mental autopilot so as to seem that he was just not paying attention, and asks you to repeat the question, this time forcing out a regular calm demeanor as if not upset.

This, the initial disgruntlement goes more or less unregistered in your memory. You do notice, though, as you continue talking, that he asks more than once about how your week has been -- you answer with a general statement that it's been good and just regular life, nothing out of the ordinary, but apparently that answer isn't quite sufficient.

And what have you been doing these past few days?

He nearly bites his tongue as soon as he says it. That came out a bit more forward and obvious than it sounded in his head. Thankfully, a quick glance upward from his task shows no indication of perturbance on your end, as you merely smile and answer in full, giving a few details of what you've been up to. Hanging out with friends, primarily. He has to refrain from asking specifically whom, seeing as at that point, further questioning on the matter would probably even strike you as oddly intrusive. He'll just have to leave it at that.

Likewise, he'll have to accept you doing whatever you want with your spare time. Any indication that he feels any other way or trying to influence your decision would certainly be noticed, and perceived as strange. It's not like he's entitled to your time... that is, from the perspective of general social consensus. He knows that reasonably, from an objective standpoint, he isn't entitled to that. Even if he might personally feel that way.

He does seem distracted, throughout the rest of the day, has to get you to repeat yourself a few times after seemingly spacing out. But he's always rather busy and under a lot of stress, you have no reason to think anything of it.

He truly does do a good job of concealing his thoughts and feelings. Most obsessive admirers would have long since cracked and shown their true colors by now, as the months go by. His is just tiny little slip-ups, every now and then, much like the first one. Primarily a slight coldness and bitterness to his demeanor whenever you go a significant amount of days without coming by. It only lasts for a few moments before he corrects it, but you do occasionally start to take notice of it. Still, that doesn't seem too out of the ordinary. You're friends, so you can understand he'd be a bit upset, when you think about it, and he's under a lot of stress anyway. Much to his satisfaction, you actually seem to take notice and correct the behavior all on your own, as you gradually stop having significant gaps in days between seeing him, and even on days you aren't coming, you now usually send a message.

There was also that time you stayed in for the day due to feeling sick, and woke up after a long sickness-induced nap to four back-to-back messages, one every hour or so from the time class sessions start, increasingly concerned by your lack of reply. Which is perhaps a bit much, but the messages abruptly stop around noon, as if realizing it was a bit too intense and backing down. But in all fairness, it's only natural to be concerned, so you appreciate it, if anything.

Then there was also the time you had that one guy that kept seeming to try to get close to you for a while, someone you'd worked with in one of your classes once and got along well with. The two of them had never interacted to your knowledge, until you were talking one day and another familiar face came up seemingly out of nowhere. Rather forcefully intruding on the conversation with an uncharacteristic bluntness and coldness, and a near tangible aura of hostility, a glare distinguishable even to you.

Yes, it was definitely too forward, and certainly both the most impulsive act and the largest blunder he's made so far, but it was borderline torture standing there up on the second floor, watching from the window, unable to do anything. He manages to at least somewhat defend himself, and hopefully quell any irritation or confusion you might have had, by telling you later in private that the individual in question is in fact known to be of poor character, manipulative and two-faced, so people say, and was probably intending to take advantage of your kind nature. You seem to accept that, much to his relief, and even express some gratitude. Unfortunately, though, he won't be able to use that excuse again without seeming suspicious, so he just has to hope you don't start to get close to someone with obviously non-platonic intentions again.

Still. It's not as if he can just take the risk, nor does he think that a simple intimidating interaction will deter the other guy entirely. Other measures must be taken.

To you, though, it's just a confirmation that Jamil was right, once the guy gets expelled. Apparently he attacked someone at random, became violent with a group of students and apparently injured one to such an extent that the administration didn't even just give him a strike, but viewed it as grounds for immediate expulsion. You mention it, when you're visiting Jamil as usual later that day, with concern and shock over the incident in your voice as you ask if he heard about it.

He just shrugs. See, told you... ah, but it's not your fault you didn't realize it. Some people are just very good at concealing their true natures, you know? But it's good that you distanced yourself from the guy before anything bad happened to you. You voice your concurrence with that statement.

And yet, after that guy disappears, so does Jamil, at least during those same time blocks. He goes back to not being around during that time, leaving you to find new people to talk to during that time instead. After all, he doesn't want to come across as clingy. Settling for returning to the window position allows for greater scope of observation, anyway.

Jamil engages in a great deal of his fixation from a distance, with you unaware of his presence. He won't necessarily come up and talk to you, but he'll watch you from across a room, from a window looking down on you below, from a shadow a ways away from the crowds and groups you're busy interacting with. He doesn't have to worry about unintentionally being suffocating, this way, while still knowing what you're doing. It's actually a process that often makes him upset, an irritating swelling feeling to his chest, because people like you far more than he would prefer, and now he's forced to watch. Not that he would want people to dislike you either, that would probably hurt your self-esteem and... ah, whatever. It's just irksome to see people gather around you so much. It would be preferable if your presence wasn't treated as something of a spectacle on the campus, but there's nothing he can do about that.

He's even more careful not to make mistakes and show affection than he is careful about negative emotions, but that doesn't mean positive emotions don't also sometimes show as well.

You're far too nice to him, for one thing. You just have to go on these spiels about how much you appreciate his help with various things, or when he thanks you for helping you just have to smile so sweetly and say you enjoy it, that you're glad you get to come by and all... it's one of a few ways to make him genuinely flustered, unable to look you in the eye, all stiff and fidgety as he mumbles something about how it's appreciated, and that you don't have to feel pressured to and whatnot. You have a tendency to say too-nice things that leave him feeling all hot in the face and embarrassed for the rest of the day. Just like the initial feeling of attachment itself, it's almost unpleasant in its own way, and yet, it's addictive.

You still just barely notice the slip-ups, if at all. Those times where he maybe gets just a bit too close, talks to you for a bit too long, seems a little bit too nosy asking what you've done today or prying for details on a conversation you had with someone else -- before he catches himself, correcting the mistake by switching topics or coming up with a reason to leave so as not to linger too long. Can't give you the impression that he wants to stay around you for much longer, can't come off as desperate or vulnerable.

Little things like that. Mostly tiny little mistakes, and besides, he's increasingly even more careful not to make such errors, often getting a bit panicked after each one and becoming stricter in the future. None of it ever crosses the line of what would really catch your attention as something abnormal or something that would induce any concern.

It carries on for some time like that. His self-control allows him to maintain a state of limbo, where he can keep himself in check, not doing anything he shouldn't nor making any move to take anything further, but ensuring you stay close, that you don't drift away. Making sure there are no more issues with people becoming too close to you in ways he doesn't like.

But much to his satisfaction, you seem to grow closer anyway, without him having to take any sort of action to do so. You come by more than ever, and he likes the implications of the fact that you come to see him so often.

He tends to be a bit more open to sharing thoughts and observations normally kept reserved to you, too, as he grows more comfortable talking to you. A bit more openly negative and sardonic. It's not even intentional, really, it happens subconsciously at first. He's just never had an outlet before, and once he does, it becomes such a source of catharsis that one day, after making a slightly negative comment, to which you inquire about the matter, he finds himself starting to perhaps say a bit too much. Unloading all of his frustrations and bottled up negativity. Initially, he catches himself doing it and cuts himself off after a few moments, starting to apologize and saying something about being irritable as he didn't sleep much the night before or something like that.

But you shake your head.

Oh, come on, it's fine. You don't have to pretend around me, you know?

He pauses for a moment... but shrugs, starts to return to voicing the same thoughts. He still won't fully express his feelings, then, but if you're fine with it... it can't hurt to talk about some of his frustrations and complaints. If anything, you seem to find some of the comments amusing, snickering at some of the more sarcastic mutterings. It actually feels quite nice. It's something he hasn't ever really had before, usually having to keep all his negative thoughts to himself. In the end, you end up unwinding too, complaining about this or that. A cathartic session for you both, and you end up sharing a few smiles and laughs over some of each other's accounts and shared annoyances.

It would seem, though, that his efforts to grow closer to you do pay off. It's pleasing. It feels like it's "going somewhere," so to speak, that all the conversations have progressed to being closer and closer; which is, of course, what he would hope for.

Eventually, he figures it can't hurt to try and push for some progress himself. Yes, perhaps he can afford to try and make some small push forward, little by little. He takes the same approach as he does to most matters -- quietly, patiently, avoiding risky, bold, reckless actions in favor of a gradual and calculated plan.

What he decides on doing does require him to take some initiative and ask, although he chose a group event rather than anything you'd be by yourselves for. Just one of the many large dorm-wide social events they have in Scarabia on a regular basis, although this one in particular is supposed to be for something special or another. You agree to it, with a smile at that. It's very reassuring.

Except it turns out that that presents a brand new problem.

Well, part of a larger problem. As he's observed, you've been mingling with different people, forming a friend group during your time on the campus. He would know, he's been watching very carefully and making note of each person, and may or may not have interfered once or twice behind the scenes to prevent you from interacting with individuals he would prefer you not to.

One, however, has not only slipped through any attempts to deter interaction, but apparently has avoided registering on his radar of who you interact with entirely. The only conclusion is that you must have had all your interactions during those times where he can't watch over you. Just perfectly, by the narrowest of margins, managing to grow close to each other, somehow exclusively during those few times he's had his back turned and off fulfilling some other responsibilities, completely unbeknownst to him until this very moment.

Or so he learns, when you arrive, smile when you see him, immediately making your way over to him to talk... until something else catches your attention, something behind him. Your eyes flicker to something just over his shoulder, something he can hear approaching with rapid footsteps and saying your name. Something that quickly swerves around him in favor of lunging at you and grabbing you into an enthusiastic embrace.

...What.

It feels like some sort of cruel joke from a higher power. Like the will of the universe is to spite him. Like being a comedic relief character where the running gag is his constant misfortune. He finds himself standing there, arms limp at his sides, wide-eyed and slack-jawed, eye twitching as he looks back and forth between the two of you.

But... but how did... when did you... you never mentioned... why...

You're clearly overwhelmed, though, you have that awkward smile where you're clearly uncomfortable but don't say anything to be nice... so after a moment of pause (as soon as he finishes mentally cursing his very existence to whatever force of the universe is listening, that is), he doesn't hesitate to reach out, grab and pull the invasive creature off of you by the shirt collar.

Kalim, you're being suffocating.

Not that those words deter the other boy for even a second. Other than a brief choking sound at sudden jerking motion pulling the front of his clothes against his throat, he immediately recovers, bright-eyed as he gets out an apology, smiling all the while, and continues rambling about something else, until being interrupted.

I didn't realize you two even knew each other.

It takes every ounce of his willpower to force those words out in a way that sounds neutral and curious rather than like he's about to strangle him to death, but he manages. You smile and start to clarify that oh, yes, you have this or that class together and have talked a few times... which just so happens to take place during the longest stretch of the day that he has to go without seeing you, which he frequently worries about. How incredibly coincidental. Haha. Anyway, if you'll excuse him for just one second, he has to go check on something to ensure that the students have everything ready--

--which is actually him walking off to the nearest secluded spot and slamming his fist into the wall with all the force he can muster without breaking his fingers. Takes a deep breath in, deep breath out. Okay. That was cathartic enough to hopefully get him through the night with minimal homicidal urges.

Kalim seems absolutely determined to test that, however. You would think he was the one who invited you here, given the fact that he seems dead-set on monopolizing your time and attention in every conceivable way. He can barely get a word in, can barely say anything to you for a few seconds without getting interrupted. At several points throughout the night you quite literally get dragged away by the wrist to go look at something or participate in something, while he sits there left with nothing to do but seethe over it, trying to distract himself by taking in all the stimulus of the crowded lounge, lest the violent urges start getting the best of him because he's about arm's length away from several very sharp objects on the table and it's starting to get a bit too tempting. By the time midnight rolls around, he's barely gotten to spend any time with you at all. He's pretty sure you've actually been trying to keep coming back and talk to him, but keep getting dragged off and are too nice to say anything about it.

Normally, he's masterful at keeping his outward emotional expressions in check. But for once, he finds himself so deeply upset, such a tight feeling in his chest, that he can't sit there and bear it with a blank face like he normally does with everything else. He ends up having to walk away, quietly slipping away to go walk it off to sulk and seethe alone.

The campus is fairly empty this late, so it's easy to get some fresh air by oneself as he mulls over it. Even though he's by himself, he sighs, has to stop and pinch at and rub the bridge of his nose in irritation. Getting this worked up over a crush, what is he, a grade schooler? It's embarrassing, even if he's the only one who knows. Even having what would be called a "crush" is embarrassing, really, it feels infantile. It seems like something that would be laughable if other people caught onto it. Ugh.

He keeps walking, until he's out of the dorm, slowly moping his way across the campus, long since gone quiet and still due to the lateness of the hour, no one else around. Makes his way over to a bench in an empty campus building.

Finally he gets to just sit down, takes a deep breath in, deep breath out, tries to relax the tension in his shoulders, tries to calm down. Mentally forces himself to clear his thoughts, leaving a blank slate so he can transition to thinking about something else to hopefully take his mind off things, and just allows the first thought that pops up to come to the forefront of his mind. Unfortunately, that thought is:

Which one do you like more?

Dammit. Can't clear his mind after all.

And God, that feels childish. Like how young kids quarrel over who is the best friend of someone else. Just thinking about it feels embarrassing, even if the thought is just to himself.

But it does seem like question that has an answer. After all, when he thinks about it, he can form a pretty solid ranking in his head of acquaintances, and which ones he's more fond of than others. Surely you have the same.

No, that's a stupid question. Obviously it would be him.

...Right?

Yes, it's a ridiculous question because it's obvious. You spend more time with him, you know him far better... it's a foolish question, he shouldn't even be worried.

Still, he can't get rid of the gnawing, unpleasant feeling in his chest, it's eating away at him, driving him up the wall. It takes a while before he can bring himself to go back.

By the time he does so, though, it's fairly late into the night, you're clearly exhausted (no doubt largely due to having your energy essentially siphoned out of you), you speak in that sort of "departure" tone as people do when they're indicating the end of a visit as you say that well, I should be getting back...

Maybe it's the heat of the moment, the lateness of the night drawing out impulsiveness, the possessive irritation and intense emotions, perhaps some need to feel reassurance, some sense of reclaiming something, that emboldens him. Maybe he's still just irked about not having gotten to spend any real time with you. Or maybe his earlier crisis has left him with a desperate need for confirmation. Regardless, for once, his impulse wins over his inhibition, over any self-control. He finds the words coming out without thinking.

It's rather late. You could just stay with me, if you want.

He stiffens as soon as the words come out of his mouth.

It's not as if you're that naive. It would be one thing if he said there was a spare room or something, but directly telling you you can stay in his own room has very obvious implications that he definitely can't excuse his way out of, and he's fairly certain you're definitely not at that point, at least not yet, and his skin crawls at the realization that saying that most likely just ruined any chances of ever reaching that if anything. All that effort, all this time and careful planning, and he may have very well knocked all that down in one sentence.

He starts to try and back out of it, heartrate going up with a moment of panic, opening his mouth and getting out a brief stammering attempt — ah, nevermind, if you don't—

Okay!

There's a few moments of quiet. Blinking at you with a numb expression before seemingly processing your words. You've never seen him undergo quite such a loss of composure within a second, eyes going wide open and stumbling over his words.

I... Well, a... alright. Then, you... I'll, ah, it's over there...

But it's endearing, really. You find yourself smiling while you walk back. He keeps talking about something else entirely, as if to distract you both from any acknowledgement of the exchange that just occurred. At least he manages to successfully distract you into looking at something off in the distance once you reach the room so you don't see the slight tremor to his hands getting the door unlocked and open.

The night lasts a long time. You can still hear the muffled sound of the noise going on outside as the other students continue to do whatever it is they're all doing (some collective game or another, being far too loud), but you manage to talk at least loud enough to hear yourselves over them... and continue to talk... and sit down... and then you lay down... and then you're both side by side... and then your legs brush up against each other... and then there's a few awkward moments of silence...

You do like him quite a bit, so, you're fine with it. He doesn't flinch or pull back when you lean over onto him, doesn't shift when you pull yourself closer, instead wrapping an arm around you. One thing leads to another, as such matters tend to go over. It's awkward at first, of course, like most friend-to-lover situations are -- once the heat of the moment is over, you're left panting and sweaty and you both sort of look up at the same moment and your eyes meet. A few seconds of silence pass. For such a composed person, you've never seen him quite so flustered... but it's cute. You find yourself grinning and giggling and reveling in the ecstasy.

You're happy about it. You get the sense he's happy about it too. You fall asleep pretty quickly, enveloped by warmth.

And he is happy. Truly. It doesn't even feel real.

But he's also very, very worried. Panicked. It begins to set in before he can even properly appreciate the bliss of the moment.

Even if you are willingly with him, even if you love him, that almost makes things worse, because now he has to work with the fact that the social expectation is to increase time with you and that he can be more openly attached, but still have to be careful not to go too far. Not to mention, this makes things more fragile. Riskier. Doesn't it? You're going to be more observant. It will be harder to hide certain behaviors from you. You'll be more careful and critical of what he does as a natural means of protecting yourself, you'll notice any slips of the tongue he might have gotten away with before.

Besides, this part is just one step of many, so he can't afford to relax. He thinks back to that same concept as before, that the social interworkings of all this sort of thing is like a game, a competition. If he lets his guard down and assumes everything is fine now, that just opens the possibility of being caught unprepared if something bad does happen. No, now he has to be even more vigilant and even more protective than before, and more careful of limits.

Nor are said expectations and their limits always clear. Where does the line of acceptable behavior get drawn? Does it not vary from person to person, from one act to the next? He can't afford to find out by trial and error, either, that's too risky.

For a short while, he contemplates if maybe he could get away with just one or two small abnormalities. After all, everyone has flaws, and people expect that partners will have flaws. Can he outright tell you to not interact with a specific person? Is that normal? No, that would definitely be seen as controlling. There's definitely some things he can determine by thinking it through like that, but that doesn't apply to every situation, which is the greatest concern.

And perhaps more importantly, it makes everything feel harder to deal with. It was easier when he had to refrain entirely. Now, it's one of those situations where having a taste of something makes one all that much more weak to craving for it, makes it all that much more alluring than when you had no concept of what the experience was truly like before.

At least his nerves are calmed by the fact that you spend more time in his presence. He doesn't have to deal with intrusive thoughts of concern about what you're doing and if something could be wrong at any given moment.

Perhaps most relieving of all is that other people seem to back off to a greater extent than they already did. You must have told people.

Well, most people. Most people back off, seem to respect him enough to give you two a bit of space while still being friendly towards you both. Don't get too physically close when talking to you, and certainly don't touch you.

Except for one.

The only upside to you being so close to Kalim is that, by extension, you see him more often than you would have just him on his own, as the two are often together. Granted, you're obviously spending more time with him anyway, but now that he's with you more often, that means he gets to witness you two interact, and on the rare occasion you were seeking out Kalim for something, he's usually there too.

You two get along very well. Which he's very frequently forced to bear witness to for the entire duration of your interactions, quietly sitting there with a clenched jaw and fingernails digging into his thighs and the occasional eye twitch that hopefully goes unnoticed. At the same time, that's comforting in its own way, as he can directly witness it rather than have to be psychologically tormented by knowing you two interact but not knowing the details and specifics.

But unlike how Jamil himself would give plenty of space to Kalim and a darling, Kalim does not do the same for him. He's still talkative with you, and touchy too. Far too much for the sake of sanity. He constantly grabs at you, hugs you when he sees you (for several extended seconds, not just for a moment), gets far too close into your personal space when talking. On more than one occasion, he's insisted on trailing along with you two for this or that venture, being an oblivious third wheel — which is made far worse by the fact that you don't seem to mind at all, paying them both equal amounts of attention.

At first, he tries to apply some reason to it. Maybe he thinks it's fine since the two of them are inherently close. Maybe he doesn't realize just how intense he is, or doesn't think he's passing the boundaries of what's considered acceptable. Or...

...And then he realizes that that's giving Kalim's intellect way too much credit. No, it's just how he is, nothing more. He's just outright not thinking about it.

This can become an issue, to say the least. Over time, he does his best to try and avoid you both coming into contact, tries to memorize schedules and give Kalim a wide berth to ensure minimal contact. Nonetheless, of course, it doesn't always work. He finds himself grinding his teeth, stiffening up as he watches you two interact. A person with less self-control would have certainly put the boy in a chokehold at least once by now, but he manages to bite his tongue. Can't just let him have this one thing in peace? Have something to himself? No, of course not, of course he has to be the one to suffer like this... despite the thoughts in his head, he has to be careful not to let that pessimism show in any form of outward bitterness, has to keep a neutral face and mildly exasperated voice at best, pretending any frustration towards the other is due to his high energy and antics and not the fact that just watching you two talk ignites violent instincts he didn't even know he possessed. But there's not much else he can do other than tolerate it.

Besides, it's not as if that's the only person he has to worry about either. Now that you're actually attached to him, he has to ensure that you stay that way, seeing as plenty of people would gladly take his place. But rather than just dealing with others, part of keeping you means making sure you're attached to him.

Unfortunately for you, this does not manifest as exceptional kindness towards you, nor trying to please you, or anything of the sort.

Sure, he could be sweet to you, shower you with affection and attention and gifts and so on... but that is a form of "losing." Making it too obvious that he needs you. There's a chance you'd get bored. After all, why take the "wholesome" way, when that isn't guaranteed? Especially when what is so often deemed the wrong way of doing things, has a guarantee to work. Frankly, that way has a higher success rate, so he sees no reason not to take it.

He has plenty of subtle, conniving means of prying into your mind without you really noticing it's intentional. You, well, you're incredibly easy to manipulate -- and that's a good thing. He likes it that way. Every single trick in the book, you respond perfectly.

It's fairly easy to discern any insecurities you have, some he was already aware of and some that become more evident as you become more emotionally open around him. So he can pick some nice words and compliments that are just a little bit backhanded, have the slightest of implication of a double-meaning shortcoming or insult laden in them, you visibly seem to notice, and sure enough, it's only a matter of time before you express some insecurity over the the thing in question -- and he's right there to assure you that it's entirely fine, or even appreciated... the unspoken implication being that yes, the thing you're insecure about is true, but he likes it. Worded in just the right way so that you won't feel like it's intentional, no, you're sure he had the best of intentions and meant to make you feel good, but it just came out the wrong way, or you're just being too sensitive, or he's just being how guys can be where they're a bit obtuse to how their words might not be as helpful as they intend. He's clearly trying to make you feel happy, right? You appreciate that in its own right.

Besides, it's easy to reassure you with physical affections, too. That becomes another frequent element of your day to day life... he's a fairly restrained person in public, and much prefers being alone and behind closed doors rather than being together while around others. Besides, even if not just for getting to interact more directly with you, being alone in the dorm means being able to relax and unwind... and get out any stress.  Which he has a great deal of -- you can't even begin to imagine the level of stress this boy has pent up, given the hectic nature of his daily life.

He's not particularly "kinky," per se, not really into any particular paraphilias or extreme forms of bondage or use of much tools, so much as he is simply rough. He tends to grab rather hard. Likes holding you down the whole time in some way, restraining some part of you with his own hands, often pinning your forearms down or grabbing the underside of your knees and pressing your thighs against your chest with force. His hand often ends up on your throat. He has a tendency to be rather harsh with it overall, merely rutting into you with animal-like forcefulness, leaving you exhausted and sore... although he at least seems to get flustered about it after the fact, mumbling apologies and getting you water, holding you close and all that.

You do notice some of the more... aggressive elements of the his sexuality, but it doesn't concern you. It's fairly common for someone of his age and sex and all that, and besides, it's normal for people's sexual tendencies to be non-reflective of their character otherwise. You have no reason to think of it as anything worth noting, and no negative thoughts cross your mind, other than the soreness and the tendency for bruising. If anything, the whole "gap moe" between the roughness in the heat of the moment and his usual collectedness versus the sheepishness afterwards is rather cute, really, that that's the one thing that such a normally composed person as himself can get easily embarrassed by. It reaches a point where you're more or less used as some kind of stress toy... but you don't mind at all. It does make you feel loved, which is also a critical part of the intent.

But outside of direct expressions of affection, he ensures he's very subtle in his ways. Being outwardly nosy would just irritate you.

Sure, he wonders what you're looking at whenever you stare at your phone screen, but doesn't fall for the urge to lean over and look, you'd probably find that annoying. He just waits until you go to sleep to look through it, checking the times of certain messages being sent, scrolling through conversations each night until reaching the point of the last time he checked, occasionally taking screenshots and sending them to himself before going back and deleting both the messages on your end and the photos themselves.

Likewise, he doesn't linger around when you're talking on the phone trying to have a private conversation or the like, no, he just quietly gets his own phone out, opens the audio recording app, and leaves it in the room while he goes off to do something else, plays it back later when you're not around. He doesn't ask who certain people are and why you interact with them, instead opting to do some digging on his own time, seeing as there's plenty of online information on nearly everyone, or simply networks his way around into finding out more about a certain person.

All very carefully ensuring you don't perceive any clinginess, any obsessiveness or possessiveness. Nothing that would annoy you or turn you off. He manages to never really appear very bothered or curious about anything, and never exhibits any behavior that would ever lead you to even consider the possibility of what is actually happening in reality. You would never think of him as anything but a very healthy partner — in fact, more so than the average person, he doesn't exhibit any of the controlling or intrusive behaviors you hear people complain about in their own partners. You think of him as an exemplary one.

But nonetheless, every now and then, as time goes on, he starts to just barely get this sense that he's too close to reaching a point where things become unbalanced against him. That whole concept he was worried about, where you might feel like he needs you more than you need him -- and while he's fairly certain that's true, he can't have you sensing it. Yes, he's sure you're starting to get bored, to get complacent, and soon you'll probably want something new and more exciting. The fact that he's essentially surrounded by an ocean of competition doesn't help his nerves. He's practically like some poor animal trying to protect its kill from a horde of other predators that would gladly steal it from him the moment he looks away for so much as a second.

But if he's outwardly worried, insecure about it, comes across as desperate or needy, that will only turn you off to him.

So he takes an entirely different approach.

Suddenly, you find that he seems to be oddly absent. You've developed a habit of walking to certain classes together, but suddenly he stops showing up to the regular spot where you meet up. Disappears and is nowhere to be found during your lunch periods. Doesn't send as many texts. When you do see him, he seems absent-minded or distracted, not spending more than a small amount of time before apologizing and claiming to have something needing to be dealt with before disappearing again. Is suddenly unable to spend the night over, claiming to be busy with something. In truth, he's just gone back to watching you from a distance... but you don't know that, of course. And, although it is greatly difficult on his end, he has to even refrain from being as physically affectionate, often standing, keeping his laptop on his lap while working and so on, so you can't lean onto or embrace as easily, and even more painfully, not being able to spend nights over means having to sleep alone without your affectionate snuggles, and having to just jerk off when he could be inside you instead. Sigh... such painful efforts to go to for the sake of security.

It works perfectly. It becomes clear in no time at all that you're a bit hurt by it, which quickly turns into outright concern and insecurity. You get this sad look on your face whenever he "has to" leave, look at the ground. You start to speak in a softer voice when you ask about doing something together later. And, very much to his satisfaction, you stop talking as much to others even compared to when you spent more time with him, opting to sulk by yourself, presumably in too poor of a mood to socialize.

Eventually -- perhaps a bit disappointed and fed up with waiting, as he was really hoping that you would outright address it and ask about his sudden distance, but oh well, perhaps a bit of a push is necessary -- he seems to "realize" how upset you are one afternoon that he (now a rare occurrence) stays with you throughout the day, and you wrap your arms around him, rest your head on his chest.

Ah, I've been neglecting you, haven't I... I've been so busy, I didn't even notice.

You pout, but you nod.

He puts a hand on top of your head. You always seem to like that. Gives you a sort of warm, endeared smile. Ah. Sorry. I'll be more careful. I hope you can forgive me?

He might feel a little bit guilty, sure, but it's also an incredibly satisfying feeling when you nod again. But not so satisfying as what comes after that stage, when he reverts back to suddenly giving you plenty of attention and affection, even apologizing again for the period of neglect, and seeing how happy it makes you. You seem incredibly relieved and ecstatic, you respond more affectionately than you even did before, and perhaps, he can't help but notice, you seem to be even more clingy and desperate to please, as if afraid of losing the closeness again, now that you've regained it.

Next time, it doesn't take you as long to get desperate. Because of course, there is a next time. It's inevitable that the relief and worry wears off just a bit, and he can detect just the slightest subtraction of affection from you as you begin to drift into a "comfortable" state once again. He doesn't like that state. Sure, you're still affectionate, but not as much as he would like. And your affection lacks the sense of neediness and insecurity and clinginess that gives him a sort of exhilarating, ego-boosting high that the "comfortable" levels of affection just doesn't provide. So inevitably, he has to get a bit distant again, although it never takes quite as long as the first time before you get clingy and desperate and you go through the cycle all over again.

Soon you seem to have a constant subconscious level of fear, he doesn't even have to try and distance himself. You'll ask a questions at random that's just an obvious plea for reassurance. You'll check to affirm that you'll be going through the same routine as always the next day where you spend a certain block of time together, followed by a  quiet 'right?' that's dripping with the perfect level of insecurity. Your grip around him when you're lounging around and resting against him is always tighter than it was at the very beginning. You're touchier altogether, often leaning and embracing and nuzzling, whereas in the "comfortable" state you might have been on the other side of the room doing your own thing or the like. You start performing little gestures of affection more often. Whenever you're alone at night in one dorm or the other (increasingly often his, as he's more or less convinced you to spend most nights in a dorm that doesn't have ceiling leaks and enough dust to fill a lung), you tend to be more provocative, and not at all subtly, opting to walk around in underwear and having completely ditched those pajamas you were provided with by the administration when you first arrived. You initiate more often, too, oftentimes just randomly latching on and climbing onto his lap and rolling your hips forward, latching your mouth onto his. You wrap your legs around his waist when you're on your back, rather than just having them spread apart, you latch your arms around him and pull him so close your bodies are pressed together, the noises that come out of your throat sound so much more desperate and needy than before.

A back-and-forth, push-and-pull -- the push that puts distance between you just makes you all that much easier to pull back in, and reaps great rewards from you when he finally does.

It's euphoric. It's perfect. It feels like complete and total control. You're so desperate. Whenever you're clinging and pressed up to him afterwards, he often has to pull your head close up against his chest so you don't see his expression. He knows full well there's a sinister sort of glee to the grin on his face, but for once, even he can't refrain.

Well, it's almost perfect. Everything with you is perfect, but there are obstacles that remain preventing everything from being perfect. And at this point, they might as well be dealt with.

Despite all your clinginess and the effectiveness, there are still assigned times for classes and extracurricular responsibilities (which he temporarily thought about abandoning, but that would come off as a bit too needy) that require you to be apart. And during that time, as he's learned from having "accidentally" put his phone in your bag and recording the whole time a few times, he knows what you're doing. Identifies the voices of those you talk to, and can't help but notice that not only are they the same people consistently, but there's one in particular that makes those violent urges flare up again. Hell, he snapped a pencil in half by accident just while listening to the playback.

No matter. He'll just have to resort to his Plan B. It wasn't his first choice, seeing as there are potential complications, but he has no real reservations. He can't put a rift between you and Kalim, unfortunately, as that would likely just become problematic for himself later down the road... he'll have to work with just keeping you two apart, whenever he can't be right there. That's the only real way to deal with that problem.

Besides, he's only a genuine issue during one specific time slot. The schedules of various students aren't always consistent day to day. Some lectures are longer, labs tend to be shorter, so on and so on, people have different time gaps, some students even eat lunch at different times depending on the day of the week.

You have one particular gap of time where you have no classes, but he does. It's not too big of a deal, seeing as you usually just go over to the Scarabia dorm these days and talk to some of the others anyway... but therein lies the issue for him.

On one of those days, you're a few minutes later than usual, as he left his pen sitting on the desk in the last class, and you went back with him just to keep talking, opting to take the extra minute or so to stay together, as it wouldn't be more than a minute or two delay. With the majority of the throng of students already rushed to their next destination, the halls are empty as you reach the spot where you usually part ways until meeting up again later in the day. But as you say something about seeing him later—

Oh, before you go, one more thing.

You pause. You turn your head back around to look at him.

Hm?

...You jolt at the sudden commotion, snapping out of a daze. That big clocktower bell ringing off in the distance at the middle of the campus, followed by the loud sounds of dozens of students' chattering and footsteps as they head on to another class.

Oh, the period is already over.

...Wait, what...?

Your head throbs. You feel dizzy, disoriented. For a brief moment, your surroundings seem to spin around you, until you shake your head in an attempt to clear it, and the feeling seems to go away. But you're not in the spot you were in what seems seconds ago, instead sitting down at a desk. There's a tingly, fuzzy feeling in your head.

Oh, right. You opted to take some time for yourself this time around in an empty classroom because—

...because...?

Right. The book on the desk is open. You were studying. You seem to recall some of the information retained, even if you were sort of spaced out for the duration of the studying itself, everything for the last little while feels like a blur. Was there a test or something coming up? There isn't one today, but you must have remembered to study for a reason. Your mind was preoccupied, one of those moments where you realize you've been spacing out for a long time, so lost in thought that you don't really remember the words your eyes have been scanning over, nor your own actions.

More importantly, you remember talking just before you were about to head off, Jamil was going to tell you something important, but admittedly, you can't remember what he said. You feel sort of bad about it. You just hope it wasn't something too important, like something you were supposed to go pick up or something like that... you're sure to ask later, and apologize for spacing out while you're at it. But it must have been no big deal, based on his own words.

Tell you the truth, I don't recall either... ah, it's been a long day. I'm sure it wasn't important.

You end up making a habit of it. You find yourself ending up in the same spot on that day each week, like clockwork, without even thinking about it. You're pretty sure you gravitate towards doing so out of a need for a brief rest to rejuvenate your energy for the day.

...But it does feel strange. The first time, you dismissed it as just spacing out, and the second time as well, but you keep noticing you follow the pattern without intending to. On the third week, you very specifically told yourself you wouldn't be sitting out today like you had the past two weeks, since you felt plenty energetic and missed talking to Kalim and the others you usually spend that time with... yet found yourself ending up there anyway. Your head always feels fuzzy when you seem to recuperate your energy and alertness. You mentioned it to Jamil once, and he merely told you to just stay consciously aware and not drift off into thought right before that time period... and it did work, at least that one following week. Then it went right back to the other habit, and from then on, you find yourself alternating, sometimes going to be with friends, but quite often ending up by yourself, completely lost in a blank state of mind. You feel dizzy, disoriented. Each time, it feels like there's some sort of gap in your consciousness, like waking up from a dream.

It's not the only sudden onset of odd occurrences, either.

The first occasion of the other occurrence leaves you entirely bewildered. You did notice that one of your friends seemed to avoid you for a few days in a row, but you figured he was just busy, so you're caught off-guard when he comes up to you looking down, apologetic expression on his face.

Hey, I just wanted to apologize again for the other day... I don't know what I did, but I'm really sorry if I upset you...

You find yourself in a confused stupor for a few moments, unsure of what is even being addressed. After a moment, your following questioning prompts the boy to elaborate on how you exploded out of nowhere... I figured you must have been really mad at me for something... followed by a brief recollection of some choice unkind things you apparently came up to him to say out of the blue, and another apology. You stammer something about how it was fine, you don't even remember any of that, you're not mad at all... you must have been mentally preoccupied and just blurted out something without thinking, or so is the best explanation you can conjure.

You don't think too much of it, though, until virtually the exact same thing happens again. Another person coming up to you, asking if they did something wrong followed by a claim that you released some sudden angry outburst seemingly at random and didn't provide explanation. You try to reassure them of the same thing as you told the first, making note to yourself to be more consciously aware of yourself. The only thing you can really think of that makes any sense would be your initial conclusion... or, perhaps, it does strike you for a brief moment that they're just messing with you, but the sincerity and slight hurt in their faces and voices makes you second-guess that idea. You must have actually said those things and had such outbursts, even if you don't recall, seeing as multiple people are making the same claims.

It doesn't take long for the matter to get worse. Soon, you find that when you come up to the same friends, smiling as you approach to initiate conversation, they merely narrow their eyes, huff and glare, turn the other way, sometimes walk off. You must have done something to upset them, or perhaps they're still upset about the outburst you apparently had...? You try to ask, but you get nothing but glares, harsh words telling you to just leave me alone or similar dismissals. To make matters worse, you're questioned by others as well -- what did they do to deserve that?, but everyone seems to think you should know what you did, and never elaborate.

You're bewildered. It feels like being an outside observer to some sort of mass delusion. You have absolutely no recall of doing anything that would upset anyone.

You even considered the notion of it being some sort of large-scale prank wherein you'd later be told they were all just kidding and trying to confuse you, but as time passes it becomes clear it was serious. That being said, you know you didn't do anything, your mind can only think of a few other possibilities. Why would people lie to you?

It's as confusing as it is hurtful. You didn't actually do anything to anyone to deserve this... the fact that multiple people would be needlessly cruel for no reason feels unfair and painful, although you suppose it's not at all unheard of, school environments are known to generate some of the worst people. You hope it will pass.

At least you still have some solace. Yes, really, the timing was at least as good as it could have been, seeing as now, you have someone you know will believe you and think the best of you no matter what, and will give you the comfort and reassurance you need. After some prompting about how downtrodden and melancholy you seem, you do finally open up about it.

Jamil doesn't seem particularly concerned about the matter, though. He shrugs it off, dismisses your concerns, although you do sense that he's trying to make you feel better. He dismisses the idea of it being some sort of conspired ordeal, says that's just being paranoid, but the alternative he suggests does seem helpful -- that you did indeed do what you were told you did, but with reason.

Perhaps you're under excessive stress. That would put anyone in a poor mood, and you may be too preoccupied to really recall the occurrence... or, it's likely that those individuals draw negative emotions out of you. You shouldn't spend time around people that make you feel poorly.

And then, after a pause, he adds,

Besides, you've never been anything less than kind towards me. That would suggest others are the issue, not yourself.

You appreciate the input, but the situation still certainly bothers you. It's not only your friends, either, that start to behave unfairly and even cruelly towards you. You would not have thought yourself to be someone who would be targeted for any malice, as you've tried to be nice and considerate and have never done anything you can recall that would have made you an enemy to random people.

You're completely caught off-guard, then, when some people seem to begin treating you as such at complete random. People you don't know very well, or have even never interacted with. You were sitting in a classroom when someone walked in, grabbed your things and ran off with them before you could take it back out of their grasp. And then, within days of that incident, someone comes out from the shadow of the side hall as you're walking, shoves you so hard you fall face-first to the ground, and runs off before you can identify them. Then, you leave your bag sitting down for a few minutes during a break, only to find someone, be it out of malice or carelessness, must have hit your bag with some heavy object, seeing as the laptop the school provided you with is smashed, forcing you to get a new one after profusely apologizing. It gets worse and worse, people coming up to you just for some cruel act or another, and now you don't even have friends to defend you... they only seem to bother you when Jamil isn't around either. You imagine that's because they know better than to provoke him, maybe.

You stay quiet about it for a while. Wouldn't want to burden him with such a thing, and you hope that it will pass... even at prompting, you merely mumble that you're fine, that you're just tired, that nothing is wrong. To say you're being bullied or anything of the sort would feel childish. It's just people being jerks, surely they'll move on and mess with someone else. Telling him would just upset him for your sake, and then you'd feel like you were overreacting, blowing it out of proportion. It's just rudeness that everyone will deal with from someone at some point. You're not even sure who a lot of them are, though... it's almost always, for whatever reason, students you're pretty sure you've never even interacted with, as if intentionally doing so in order to ensure you won't know their names or faces and can't confront them or report them.

Although it gets harder to handle, the longer it goes on. Getting tripped, shoved around, stolen from, even a few times getting things thrown at you... you find yourself becoming quieter, increasingly tired and depressed. It wears you down, emotionally and psychologically. You're always paranoid someone will come up to you and do something. You start to shut yourself in. You take longer to reply to the friends you have left. You start leaving earlier, when you usually hang out with them... even then, several of your friends no longer seem to want to hang around you anyway. It hurts.

And eventually, it becomes too much for you to keep trying.

It's almost startling when Jamil comes back to his own dorm room one day, for you to already be there. He's usually the first one back, while you spend an indefinite amount of time with friends and never come back at a consistent time, so he's caught off-guard to find you already back in the room. Curled up in bed, chest rising and falling with slow, heavy breaths. Your eyes seem a bit puffy, swollen, the flesh around your eyes reddened.

Poor thing. Yes, he did account for the fact that you'd inevitably get your feelings hurt from the acts, and when you started finding yourself all alone, but he does still feel bad, seeing you so upset. In fact, the realization that someone else caused this -- because it was, after all, someone else who actually committed the cruel acts, who did mean things to you, and thereby they are the ones responsible -- he has to swallow the subsequent feeling of sudden rage down. It's a necessary consequence.

The guilt doesn't last for too long. He climbs into bed over you, lays by your side, wraps an arm around you... he's not sure if it's a subconscious action in your sleep, or if you stir for just a moment, but regardless, you suddenly grunt as you turn over to face him instead, instinctively snuggling up close to the warmth, nuzzling your face against his chest. Your hands latch onto his undershirt, fingers curling to secure their place before you return to the soft little breaths, lulled back to deep sleep by the steady heartbeat against your face.

When you wake up, he's sure you'll be at a breaking point, you'll finally break down and talk about how mean and cruel people have been to you lately... and then he can assure you that it'll all be fine, leave for a while and come back, tell you they won't be bothering you anymore because he took care of it, but you should probably not go off on your own again anyway... yes, that will work. That should go over very smoothly, given all the steps that have been taken to ensure it.

And then... that will be everything. All the little obstacles, all either out of the way entirely, or well within the realm of being manageable.

Yes, with that, that momentary, miniscule guilt dissipates, replaced by a swelling, euphoric feeling of satisfaction and smug pride. Everything worked out exactly as it should. He runs his hand over the back of your head in slow, soft motions.

If it all really is some sort of social game, then this must be what it feels like to have won. He couldn't be happier with that outcome.

[sleepy-shutin]

someone in the tags of a post i reblogged brought this up but now i'm thinking about it.

i am in exactly 2 CDD spaces right now, one of which is very active and i moderate in, and the other one being super quiet and small. i'm not counting my T&D server as a "CDD space".

i used to join CDD places all over the internet because i wanted. i don't really know what i was looking for, but i wanted. taking the time to realize that i didn't even know what i was looking for those spaces, especially when i could already find 90% or more of what i needed in the spaces i was already in, and especially when many system spaces are the same things in the early stages of diagnosis/treatment/syscovery over and over and over (people asking for help with the same problems, people getting just diagnosed, asking how to communicate, etc), and it just wasn't helping me.

taking the time to really figure out what you want out of system spaces--and it HAS to be more than wanting a diagnosis/someone to tell you whether or not you have DID because that kind of just doesn't work over the internet--can really help you figure out your goals.

whether or not you have DID, if you're questioning and joining a DID space, you should outline what you want out of these spaces, what information you're looking for, what you think these spaces can do to help you, OUTSIDE of directly telling you whether or not you have DID, because good spaces will refuse to do that and will not put up with people fishing for a diagnosis.

good spaces will give you information from books and papers, not carrds and tiktoks, answer your questions about DID with sources, and genuinely try to help you figure out the difference between (new) parts and weird feelings, or introjects vs. heavily relating to a character or amnesia vs. memory problems caused by other things.

if people are extremely willing to jump onto you and tell you that you have DID with little leadup to that, give you information primarily from carrds/tiktoks/twitter threads/etc, jump down the throats of people who insinuate even a little bit that someone may be mistaken about having DID (not even fakeclaiming), telling you that getting diagnosed is worthless, that DID is "too underresearched" to look for papers on, etc, then those places are displaying *red flags* for misinformation and toxicity. those spaces will not be able to help you because they can't get their heads out of their asses.

and i cannot stress this enough, younger people with CDDs *need* to talk to older people with CDDs. realize that you have hope for getting older and recovering, whether you want final fusion or healthy multiplicity. not to mention that older people with CDDs who have been in recovery and treatment for decades have an invaluable amount of advice for you if you're just starting out. PLEASE talk to older people with DID.

i'm so sick of watching people fall into awful DID spaces because they're too early on to recognize that they're being fed misinformation and toxic mindsets irt DID.

be safe y'all, it's not as easy to find a space that works for you as one might think.

[ts4ritsa]

hello!

if you write for her, may I request a fluff alphabet for Mukuro Ikusaba? Have a good day/night

₊˚ପ⊹ fluff alphabet ;

ft. mukuro ikusaba from danganronpa * ˚ ✦

tags / cw: fluff, gn!reader

a | attention: how much attention do they want in the relationship?

- mukuro has been used to not being given the time of day ever since she was a child. therefore, she isn’t the type of girl to expect or demand you to give her certain amounts of your attention

- however, she may find herself wanting to explore the concept more. it’s all pretty new to her, okay!! but she won’t pressure you or anything — she’ll cherish just about any time you spend with her, even if it’s just a moderate amount

b | baby: would they want a family?

- she isn’t certain if she want’s to have a family yet. she’s always been focused on her duties as the ultimate soldier and isn’t sure being a mother is the right path for her. she may be open to the idea in the future, when she’s older

c | cuddle: what are they like when they cuddle with you?

- mukuro isn’t naturally inclined to be affectionate through stuff like cuddling, but if it’s what you like to do, she’ll happily be willing to try and accommodate to your preferences

- when you’re holding each other close, you both can’t help but feel a sense of security. mukuro tends to pull you a bit closer, wanting enjoy being in your presence to the fullest

d | dates: what are dates with them like? what do they like to do?

- calm, low-key and private. she isn’t very keen on doing anything fancy. a simple dinner and movie is enough for her. she just wants to take a break from the draining responsibilities that come with being a soldier and spend quality time with you

e | equal: do they prefer to be more in control or laid-back in the relationship?

- she wants a balanced dynamic in the relationship. she values equality and doesn’t like when things are one-sided. so she wants to share the responsibility of making decisions with you

f | fights: how do they handle fights?

- peacefully and rationally. mukuro wants to understand your feelings and would make compromises to solve conflicts so you both can move forward

- on a rare occasion where she loses her temper, she can be very fierce and stubborn. after all, she has yet to be completely used to expressing her emotions in a healthy way

g | gratitude: how grateful are they to have you? what do they think your relationship is worth in comparison to other things in their life?

- mukuro is incredibly grateful to have you in her life. she may not show it well verbally, but she likes to show you in other ways

- she considers your relationship to be one of the most important things in her life. it’s something she wants to keep, nurture, and take care of. in her eyes, it’s something worth sacrificing for

h | honesty: are they honest with you? how important is honesty to them?

- mukuro is generally honest, but she does have a tendency to hide her true feelings. she’s been used to keeping to herself for a long time, and there are some things she believes you’re better off not knowing

- honesty is important to her but not exactly in the way one would think. she’s alright if you aren’t open about certain things involving your past, but she doesn’t want you to lie about your current well-being. she wants to protect and care for you, and knowing there might be something bothering you and her not being able to help you deeply upsets her

i | insight: how easy is it for them to read your mind and tell how you are feeling?

- pretty easy. she is very perceptive and she is often able to read other people's emotions and thoughts. she is able to notice small changes in behavior and can use this insight to improve her relationships with people. this can come off as being almost mind-reading at times

j | jealousy: what makes them jealous? what are they like when they’re jealous?

- despite the fact she doesn’t mind not always being showered with affection, she may feel jealous if she sees you giving someone else more attention than you give her. it just doesn’t make sense to her

- when she does feel jealous, she tends to not let it show. she may become a bit quiet and reserved, not wanting to let her thoughts consume her and just letting it go away on it’s own

- however, if notices that there is someone who is blatantly after you, she will not hesitate to make herself known to them. she’ll hold your hand or arm with a firm grip in front of them and propose that you two should go somewhere else because she “wants to explore and be familiar with the area” (but really, she simply believes nothing good can come from a place with that person around. she will perceive them as an actual threat)

k | kisses: what are their kisses like? who kissed who first? where do they like to kiss you?

- gentle and tender. you most definitely initiated the first kiss between the two of you, because she wasn’t brave or certain enough if she should do it herself. but she generally prefers it that way — whenever you initiate physical affection

- her favorite place to kiss you is on the lips or cheek, as it feels most right to her. she also enjoys it when you kiss her on those places, but she also has a liking to shoulder and neck kisses, as it makes her feel loved and wanted

l | love language: what’s their favorite love language?

- mukuro wants to show you she loves you through acts of service. she will do simple things for you like bringing you a snack, making sure the place is tidy and comfortable enough, and giving you massages

- she loves it when you spend quality time with her. since she knows that she can’t always be the center of your attention, she deeply holds all the time you spend together close to her heart. whether it be a romantic date or just a small conversation, knowing that there are times where you give her your full undivided attention just make her heart flutter

m | marriage: would they want to get married? if you were to get married, who would take whose last name? what would the marriage be like?

- mukuro doesn’t care about getting married or not. she would not be opposed to the idea as your relationship grows further and if it’s what you really want, she’ll do it without any questions asked

- when you two get married, she would keep her last name. while she does love you, she sees it as an important part of her identity and wants to maintain her individuality

- your marriage is based off mutual trust, respect, and understanding. she’ll aim to create a stable, happy, and supportive relationship, and she’ll encourage you to pursue your dreams and provide comfort and reassurance in your shared home whenever you need it, hoping you’ll do the same in turn

n | nicknames: would they use nicknames on you? do they like when you use nicknames on them?

- mukuro would not use any nicknames or pet names on you because she thinks it’s childish and prefers to call you by your given name

- she doesn’t mind you giving her simple nicknames, but she doesn’t want anything cheesy or cutesy. she might cringe and not take you seriously if you were to unironically use a pet name on her

o | open: how long does it take for them to open up to you for the first time?

- it takes time for mukuro to open up to you due to her past traumas and experiences. however, with patience and understanding, she gradually becomes more comfortable sharing her thoughts and bits of her past

p | pda: thoughts on public displays of affection?

- she is not that keen on public displays of affection. she might hold your hand on a rare occasion where she feels comfortable or feels she needs to, but she generally prefers to keep intimate moments and affectionate gestures for more private settings

q | quality time: what do they like to do when they’re with you? how affectionate are they behind closed doors?

- mukuro likes calm and quiet time where you both can have simple yet meaningful conversations and just enjoy the peace and silence

- she is much more comfortable showing affection through subtle gestures like kisses and hugs behind closed doors. she is attentive to what you have to say and generous with compliments and affirmations. she is not overly touchy but shows love and support in any way she can

r | realize: when did they realize they fell in love with you? why did they fall in love with you?

- she realized she had developed feelings for you when she found herself trying to pretend they didn’t exist. at first, she had just grown a particular liking to you, and didn’t see how much it grew over time. she wouldn’t notice how she started looking forward to seeing you, spending time with you, and thinking about you until she was directly confronted about her feelings by junko or something

- mukuro was in denial for the longest time and even tried to downplay her feelings and gaslight herself into thinking they were never there, but ultimately failed. she also wasn’t sure if she wanted to pursue a romantic relationship or not, given her duties as the ultimate soldier

- but when she saw how much you valued and cared about her, she realized just how much love you had to offer. how could she turn away now?

s | sad: how would they cheer you up when you’re sad?

- mukuro would do her best to be understanding and comforting. she may offer comforting words, small surprises, or just a shoulder to cry on

t | thrill: would they do any new things to spice up your relationship?

- mukuro thinks your guys’ relationship is fine just the way it is, but she won’t mind experimenting and trying new things to liven the relationship up every now and then. together, you both can explore and embrace the thrill of the unknown

u | unwind: how do they like to unwind and relieve stress when with you?

- as stated, she likes to spend quiet time with you. in a situation where she wants to relieve stress, she’d turn to you and ask if you’d let her sleep in your arms. she isn’t sure why but it helps her every single time. she feels put at ease and safe in your arms, and she wouldn’t want to let go of you for a while

v | vouch: how would they vouch for you in any situation you might be in trouble?

- mukuro is a very loyal partner and she would always stand up for you if you were ever in a difficult situation or if someone was being unfair to you. she would make sure to support and speak up on your behalf. she wouldn't hesitate to go to great lengths to protect and defend you

w | wild card: random relationship headcanon!

- her favorite type of date to go on with you is stargazing. she likes the feeling of the cool breeze that comes out at night and enjoys watching the stars. she finds solace and peace in the vastness of the night sky

x | exes: how would they handle situations with your exes? how are they like with their exes?

- mukuro has a very distant and standoffish attitude towards her exes. she might not speak of them highly or even speak of them at all. she would be cordial and polite to them when necessary, but wouldn't want to be involved with them or to associate with them more than she has to

- she would feel uncomfortable and weird if you were in contact with your exes. she would definitely feel protective and possessive of you if your ex was still not over the break up. she generally doesn’t want you to have contact with your exes because she views them as potential threats and will not trust them until they can prove they’re not up to anything

y | yearn: how would they cope when you’re away? what are they like when they reunite with you after being gone for so long?

- she’ll feel a quite sad and lonely when you’re away for a long time. she’ll find herself actually craving your presence and missing your company

- however, she’d try to not let this affect her too much and she would try to remain strong and independent while you’re not there, burying herself in her duties and responsibilities instead

- when you reunite, she would be very happy and eager to see that you’re safe. she would insist on making up for lost time, letting you chose any activities you’d like to do with her, even some things she normally wouldn’t do

z | zzz: what are they like when sleeping with you? what are some habits they have?

- mukuro is a light sleeper and tends to stay alert, but with you by her side, she feels safe and relaxed, allowing her to drift into a peaceful slumber

- she has a tendency to murmur a few random things and snuggle a bit closer to you if she feels unsettled, but that’s all that there is to it!

a/n: omg thank you so much for requesting danganronpa I love you MWAAH!!! and I totally didn’t prioritize this request since it was dr… anyways this took way longer than it should have tbh. send more dr requests my way tho ^^ enjoy!

© ts4ritsa (do not repost w/o credits)

[8bitsupervillain]

Higurashi When They Cry Hou Ch. 5 Meakashi pt. 3

Rather than wax philosophical about being a moderate during times of major political upheaval I'm much more interested in the notion that prior to the Hinamizawa Dam protests no one really worshipped Oyashiro. Specifically I'm interested in whether the priest was originally from Hinamizawa, or if he was originally an outsider before marrying into the Furude family. I presume despite having a small following the majority of the Furude family was still interested in the idea of reincarnating Oyashiro by having the eight first born daughters happen. Outside of Hinamizawa was there a sect of Oyashiro worshipers out in Japan, or do you think the majority were entirely in house? I want to believe that for the most part it was localized entirely within Hinamizawa. I seem to recall in Watanagashi "Mion" mentioned that the people of Hinamizawa were generally looked down upon by the rest of the general populace of Japan because of their religious beliefs.

I can sort of understand the view that you shouldn't say things that might cool passions when you're in the midst of the protests like that, but I sort of get why the Furude priest was trying to express a more wait and see approach. Maybe it wasn't really due to any centrist, wanting to wait and see feelings, but maybe Rika had mentioned to him that she'd had a vision about the protests ending in their favor. So he was simply wanting to see if Rika's visions were correct. Of course, I don't think anyone would buy that if you said you were waiting to see if god was going to personally intervene in the protests.

Meanwhile in the future:

I know that doesn't mean she hates her, but you don't say things like that if you think your relationship with someone is great. Also, that's a very silly line "up until birth, we were perfectly equal."

So part of me wants to believe this is a double ruse. They wouldn't be foreshadowing so hard if Shion wasn't going to turn on Mion and become actively evil. But another part of me wants to think that everything is going to be A-okay forever for everyone. I know, and you know that's not the case, I don't think this would be one of the highest regarded chapters if everything was peachy-keen for everyone the whole way through. Eventually some delicious delicious dramatics will have to happen. And I don't mean the flashback to Satoko and Satoshi's child abuse extravaganza.

I wonder if this is to do with the rumors that Sonozaki Sr. got in trouble for dealing in canned human flesh during World War II? I'm willing to bet it's because of that. Boy, am I gonna feel embarrassed if we get back to the events of Watanagashi and it turns out the Mion who confessed to all the dirty deeds and tried to kill Shion and Keiichi was in fact really Mion, and not Shion like I think it is.

Then Kasai and Shion have a conversation about how Oryou has found out that Shion has made her escape from St. Lucia's private academy. And how Shion reckons if she's caught she will have to cut off a finger or three as penance for her antics. I have quite a few extra screenshots from throughout the chapter I haven't posted because it's excess exposition. I don't always strive to hit the maximum amount of pictures, but maybe I should post them for a stronger sense of thoroughness? Anyway, the chapter ends, and now it's on to the not at all depressing TIP.

I was off by a couple of chapters, but here he is. Allegedly one of the swellest guys in the story. Very exciting, and also extremely telling that the narration shows he's not quite the saint the rest of the narrative has painted him as in chapter 3. Well, more so anyway, since the first TIP accuses him of murdering his and Satoko's aunt. Not exactly a stellar person if you're going around committing murder. I figure in the next subchapter (section, part, I need to decide on a particular word for it because calling these chapters, and the larger chapter itself a chapter is a bit confusing) Satoshi will become an actual character and not just a flashback character/hallucination that he's been up until this point.

[autismvampyre]

ok so audhd rant/asking for advice

we had a psychologicist come to the class to explain autism and adhd today. the reason why is bc i have faced a lot of discrimination, ableism and bullying from my peers bc of my disorders. my teachers felt we should all learn what the words mean and why they should never be used as insults, and how that can affect someone, which is a nice sentiment.

the person they picked was recommended by my mother, which should've been my first warning sign, bc try as she might my mother does not understand the autistic community. she trusts the professionals which is good bc im not a doctor and they're qualified, i get it; but also i dont fucking trust professionals to understand me because not once did my doctors help me understand when i was diagnosed. i asked to meet her before she came to the school, but my mom insisted she was great so i held back and tried to be hopeful, because even if a lot of my experience with professionals has been negative doesn't mean they're all bad and ignorant

anyways, she was exactly like every other psychologist ever and explained everything in the most basic way ive even seen. she literally sounded like the people who explained my diagnoses to me when i got them at age 11 and those mf's were literally useless. it took me years to actually understand what my disorder meant and i only figured it out by talking to other people with autism and adhd instead of reading shit by professionals and autism moms. the way we are portrayed by psychiatrists is not my experience at all and they often use outdated language and speak in very broad terms and don't bring up any of the things that i find important. i know not everyone with adhd and autism is the same but i genuinely cannot relate to the way they talk about us at all. like, this psychiatrist didn't even mention executive dysfunction and kept talking about how it "isn't an excuse" and fucking everyone agreed.

i feel like almost an anti-vaxxer, claiming i know better than doctors, so i genuinely do try to understand and accept doctors but i just cant fucking stand it. am i wrong for thinking she's wrong? like she has a degree, but she also doesn't seem to understand me and idk if im just a weird outlier even in my neurodivergence or if im right and she doesn't truly understand. like im not a doctor, im just a person who has these disorders but i genuinely feel misrepresented and like all these explanations are for other people to understand that they have to put up with me. i feel infantilised and really fucking bummed. like, i knew she wasn't gonna be perfect bc she isn't actually in the community but the level of generalization and misinformation was so disappointing

i feel fucking crazy. cause who am i to disagree with her when she's the professional, yk?? im no one. they won't listen to me. my classmates can't empathize with me like they do each other, and so many of them think they get it bc they're white teenage boys with adhd that are low support(and im happy for them that they feel good about it!! genuinely! and not saying they aren't valid, but in my experience many of them tend to unknowingly invalidate other people with the disorder who are different than them/have higher support needs) and can't seem to understand that other people have different experiences and struggles with the same disorder. i also live in a very conservative city, and even if the school is more liberal, we are still very high in MUF(the moderate party's youth) and you can tell because everyone i know is either apolitical or conservative, except me and the three leftists. it's a hostile environment, and i feel like im rambling but whatever. i needed to get it off my chest

[noodyl-blasstal]

Aftermath - Blupjeans Week day 7

My @blupjeansweek prompts are part of a story and I'll be adding one more part to round it all off I think! Find the others here: Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 or on Ao3

“I think I’ll maybe do it after the bone church?”

“How romantic.” Said Taako, wryly. “Here’s a load of dead people whose bones they dug up and made a chandelier of, also, I’ve been in love with you for a bajillion years, wanna grab coffee?”

“I wasn’t going to say the last bit.” Barry huffed. It was already mortifying that he had to talk about this with Lup’s brother. Maybe he should have told Magnus instead, but Barry wasn’t convinced he could be counted on not to wave them off by shouting ‘good luck telling Lup how you feel about her’ or something equally mortifying. Taako, at least, was air tight.

“You aren’t going to tell her you love her?” Taako narrowed his eyes. “Barry, Barold, you are my best friend in the world and I will murder you to death if you do not do this. You have been promising for months. Months! I cannot live like this. It’s homophobic.”

“I’m your best friend?” Barry laid his hand to his chest. “Taako, I..”

“Shut up.” Taako hissed. “If you don’t tell her then I will.”

Barry tried not to laugh at the deflection. Torturing Taako when he accidentally confessed that he had feelings was one of Barry’s favourite sports. It was a toothless threat too, if Taako was going to tell Lup then he would have done it already. He clocked how Barry felt almost as quickly as Barry did. “I’m going to tell her. I’m not going to ask her out for coffee after. Probably.”

“Fine. Fine! But you’d better tell her. Or else!” Taako mimed a series of tiny punches.

“No, please, Taako! Mercy! Mercy!!!”

– The conference was in a castle. It was hard to pretend that wasn’t at least 60% of the reason they were there, but their research was good too. The post-doc hunt had, thankfully, provided them both jobs. In the same University, of course, because it was unfathomable that they wouldn’t be together. The fact they would apply for jobs together and continue to live together wasn’t even discussed, it was just how it was going to be. The photo strings moved again, Barry’s book shelves stood in a slightly different configuration, and their coffee machine only fitted under one of the cupboards in the kitchen. They took their home apart at the seams and lovingly sewed it back together somewhere new.

It was inevitable that they’d end up researching together. They knew each others’ work inside out anyway, and one late night conversation about being able to sap energy from a storm cloud to heal someone led to a frantic few weekends in an empty evocation lab, which produced the paper that had taken them here. The applause faded and the moderator stood to ask for questions.

“It’s more of a comment than a question.” Said the dapper elf who had lazily raised his hand and immediately commanded attention. Of course that would be their first response. No one would want to drag things on after this. It was Barry’s least favourite phrase, but he tried not to roll his eyes and nodded politely instead. He felt Lup bristle beside him. “In my own research…” Barry fought not to tune him out. Maybe it would be relevant? Maybe the comment would even be helpful? “...instead of hiring an evocation specialist, which, even though I’m sure yours wasn’t too costly…” he gave Lup a once over which made Barry want to bite him. “...is still an unnecessary cost. You can just use volunteers. They have plenty of power for the taki…using. Voluntarily offered, of course.” He smiled a violently calm smile. There were murmurs around the room.

“What my colleague means to say…” Said the female elf next to him, Barry assumed his twin because they certainly looked the same, but people with these ethics might be experimenting with cloning for all Barry knew. “... is that our subjects are all there voluntarily and know exactly what they are taking part in.” Barry would like to see the ethics board they’d run that one by.

“...They volunteer to heal others?” Lup asked.

The pair shared an uneasy look. “We didn’t say our experiments were exactly the same, anyway, I’m sure lots more people have questions about your little project.” The female elf made a dismissive hand gesture.

“Which University are you from?” Lup continued before the moderator could take another question. “It would be wonderful to keep in touch as we obviously have similar research interests.”

The female elf’s mouth closed into a tight line and she glared, but her colleague… brother? Both? Answered before she could shush him “Felicity Wilde. It’s private.” He said smugly.

“Uh huh.” Answered Lup. Scribbling a note. “Great, and you are?”

“Edward and Lydia Vo-Gue. Remember it, you’ll see our publications soon enough.” Lydia elbowed him hard in the side.

“Cool, thanks.” Lup finished scribbling. “Anyone else actually have a question about this sweet sweet research?”

They did.

– “Are you actually going to contact them about their research?” Barry asked once they’d escaped from the conference dinner. The food was all strangely combined in the trying to be fancy but not actually fancy way and their table had been full of people who only wanted to talk about nothing but themselves. They fled as soon as the dancing started.

“Fuck no. I already emailed the Neverwinter ethics board. I imagine they’ll be shut down by the time they get home.”

– The bone church was their reward for surviving the schmoozing. The university had to pay for them to get to Goldcliff and back anyway, and the conference just so happened to finish on a Friday and it wasn’t any more expensive to travel back on a Sunday. They had meticulously planned the weekend and the ossuary was their first stop. They had a full morning to explore and they were going to use it. It was also where Barry was going to tell Lup how he felt. Definitely. It wasn’t going to be weird. It was going to be fine. Even if she didn’t feel the same it wouldn’t ruin everything, she already knew and she wasn’t angry. She wanted him to have as much time as he needed, but Barry was growing more sick of waiting and less worried about change with every passing day.

They stood together in front of the church, it looked completely ordinary from the outside, all weather-worn stone and too-modern-roof. “Ready?” He asked Lup?

She casually took his hand. “Cha’girl was born ready for this. Let’s go get our spook on!”

It was beautiful, macabre, but no one could deny the artistry, the dedication to shape and place as the old graves had to be emptied to make way for new corpses. There was an undeniable tenderness in the refusal to throw away the bones, the time spent cleaning and creating instead of destroying and forgetting. Their guide was taken aback by their endless questions, but was able to answer them. Lup and Barry absorbed as much as they could from them, and were eventually let loose while their guide tended to another tour.

“Is it okay if we check out the chandelier again before we go?” Lup asked. “I want to look at how they were connected again.”

“Sure.” Barry replied, his mouth dry. This was the place, and he was nearly out of time. Not that it mattered, but Lup would like it if it was here.

“Babe, you know your cool bird skulls?”

“Uh huh.”

“Think we could make them into cool miniature candle holders like those ones?” Lup pointed to the chandelier.

“I think we probably could.” Barry nodded. A skull and a candle should be easy enough to cobble together into something her spooky heart desired.

“I’m not sure we should try and create the full chandelier.”

“No, I think Taako would probably refuse to come over ever again if we had bones hanging from the ceiling. Kravitz too, for that matter. You know how he is about the sanctity of death.”

Lup rolled her eyes. “Fine. We won’t make a cool spooky chandelier that we’d both love. We’ll just decide not to do a fun group project because of Taako getting all the squeamish genes and picking the least cool kind of Death-y boyfriend. That seems right and fair.”

“I’m in love with you.” Said Barry softly. It wasn’t what he meant to say, there was a speech, he’d written it down. Maybe he could show her later, then she’d know he’d tried. “Just so you know.” He added. “Although, I think you did already.”

Lup smiled and placed her head on his shoulder. “I’m in love with you too, Bear. Just so you know…”

Barry didn’t know what to say. Sure, he’d realised this was a likely possibility. It wasn’t like Lup had pulled back since she’d overheard the conversation, if anything, they were closer than ever. But to hear it. To know, wholly and fully? That was magic.

“Anyway, wanna grab some coffee?” Lup always knew the right thing to say.

[literaticat]

I live in a deep red state, chose to be a stay at home mom, and generally look as though I believe like every white person around me. However, I don’t. I am just wondering how I write my bio in order for agents to not immediately label me a certain way. I write humor MG and YA with some progressive themes, but they aren’t the focus of the story.

I do appreciate your sensitivity and not wanting to be labeled in a certain way -- but I also think you're overthinking it a hair.

Lots of agents are white, and/or have lots of white clients. Lots of agents are from places other than NYC, and rep clients all over the US and the world. So I don't think most of us would automatically assume anything negative about an author just based on where they live or what they do or what they look like.

After all, why should we, when we can base negative feelings on things a person actually says and the books they've actually written! I promise you that people who have uh... extremely divisive views... can't help but say so in their queries or in the kinds of books they choose to write. It's QUITE CLEAR when a book is coming from somebody who, you know, hates books, or despises "woke ideology", or whatever other weirdo stance -- they say it right out loud and there are no assumptions or guessing games necessary!

If anything, unless you tell me differently, my automatic assumption would be the opposite. I'd be more likely to think, if you are querying me with a fun kids book with mildly progressive themes, and your query is well-written, and your bio doesn't mention "Guns, God and American Values!" or something like that, and you seem affable and not-bonkers, that you are probably liberal-leaning (or "fiscally/politically moderate-to-liberal but socially very liberal") regardless of where you live.

That's because a) most people who want to read and write great books for kids LOVE AND RESPECT KIDS BOOKS, and kids books is, frankly, a 'snowflake' kind of field to be in; and b) If you seem to have read the guidelines and targeted the book correctly, you must be smart; and thus c) you must know that I rep a lot of queer and other kinds of diverse and "woke" kinds of books, and I would think that most very conservative people wouldn't WANT to be repped by me!

BUT ANYWAY. If you want to make that even more clear in your bio, you can. It's short, but there's space for you to put a kind of "mission statement." There's no need to say you are a SAHM if you feel like that pigeonholes you. You don't even need to say exactly where you live if you feel like THAT pigeonholes you, just say something general about the region.

"I'm Mindy Smith, and I am passionate about writing fun, accessible stories for kids and teens that also touch on themes that are important to them and their future, such as climate change and environmental activism. I live near a swamp, and when I'm not writing children's books, I get my heart rate up by chasing alligators off the porch while wrangling two toddlers and an unruly dog."

"I'm Dorothy Gale-Belvedere. I grew up in Kansas and still live nearby with my family, and yes, I've heard all the Wizard of Oz jokes, and yes, I am skittish about tornados, and also yes, as the light and fun books I write can attest, I do love rainbows and glittery shoes and all things magical! But no, I don't have a dog named Toto, just a cat named Gretchen."

"I'm Deborah Candleflame, and I'm a former elementary school English Language Arts teacher who still loves sharing stories with kids -- particularly stories of grand adventure tinged with fantasy and folklore elements that can show them the limitless bounds of their own imagination! I live in a holler in the beautiful Appalachian mountains and, in addition to writing, I am raising three spoiled kids* as well as two fairly well-adjusted human children."

*(that was a goat joke!)

See how all those people sound pretty nice and not unhinged, and you'd never think "yikes, they sound like they might want to put gay people in jail"? Just do something like that!

[rebelmeg]

20 Questions For Writers

I was tagged by the lovely @takadasaiko!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

I just finished posting my 238th fic! It's one of my few longer ones, so I've been putting the chapters up one at a time.

Cupcakes and Kisses, a Bucky/Darcy bakery AU, and behold, a moodboard!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

830,043

3. What fandoms do you write for?

MCU almost exclusively, though I did post one Harry Potter fic awhile back, and I've got a couple WIPs for other fandoms that may never get posted.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, and I love doing so! The reader feedback is one of my very favorite parts of fandom, because they get to tell me what they liked, and I get to be super happy about that. Often times a reader will notice something I didn't even put together in my own writing, or they will love a line that I personally thought was amazing, and nothing beats that! It's just a circle of love, and I live for it.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

This one is definitely the saddest, because there is no After.

The Price We Paid, in which Tony activates a Coffin Protocol in the suit, which is exactly what you think, featuring MCD.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I mostly write fluff and shenanigans, so really, you could pick at random and it would probably be a super happy ending.

Though I think I could recommend several from my Iron Family series, since most of those are fix-its.

8. Do you get hate on your fic?

I have once or twice, but that is something I do not tolerate anywhere in my fandom life. I have anon disabled, and I moderate comments, because this is a fun space for me. Fandom is where I go to be excited about these adorable little blorbos with my fandom friends, and hate has no place there. Neither does condescension or meanness, so I have absolutely no problem with deleteing that from my life.

9. Do you write smut?

Wouldn't you like to know.

10. Do you write crossovers?

I don't think I ever have, but I have definitely read it and enjoyed it!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes, actually, @newnewyorker93 and I had a collab fic stolen. Luckily one of our readers spotted it and it was taken down.

I Went to the County Fair and All I Got Was This Alpaca is the fic in question, and it has alpaca-snuggling, so I highly recommend.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I know I've given permission at least once, but I admit I don't recall if it did get translated or not.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Many times, and I love it! Writing is so much easier with a writing buddy! I'm always open to a good collab.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Pepperony. I just... I just love them. I love a lot of ships from a lot of fandoms, but Pepperony is the one that I've been with the most. The most fanfic, the most interaction with other fans, the most feels.

15. What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Well, I never say never with this kind of thing, really. It often takes me years to finish something, but I have finished a good number of things that did in fact take me years to get from idea to fully formed and written fic.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Definitely dialogue and one-shots. I cannot plot for the life of me, so I largely stick to what I'm good at, and I'm happy there. (This is where co-writing is amazing, because other people can plot when I can't!)

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I've done so several times, but it's usually single words or phrases that I've trusted Google Translate for. Which I know can be sketchy, so I try to limit that.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

The one I'm still writing for, the MCU!

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

Definitely can't pick a favorite kid, but I think I do have one that I've reread the most.

Save Another Life (It Will Be Worth It) is a Bruce-flavored remix of How To Save A Life (It Just Might Be Yours), in which the Winter Soldier finishes a mission with baby Tony Stark in tow, and then raises the baby as his own while his conditioning falls apart.

In that fic, there were several cameo appearances by other Avengers as kids, and Bruce was the saddest one. When a couple readers had questions and comments about it, it sparked the remix in which Bruce gets saved too. Made a moodboard for it too!

[cosmicjoke]

I promise this is a genuine question and not a troll but is it bad to vote for Joe Biden? I despise how he is supporting and aiding genocide but the other option is Trump and he would also aid in genocide…. Voting 3rd party does not seem like a real option when there are Supreme Court seats at stake in the next election term. Joe biden would put more moderates on scotus than the right wing lunatics Trump would

I can't really tell you who you should and shouldn't vote for. That's totally up to you, in the end. I can only tell you what I would do, and I wouldn't vote for Joe Biden if my life depended on it. Trump's no better, it's true. But the thing to understand about both the Democrats and the Republicans is that, when it comes to all the big issues, like health care and foreign policy, for example, they're exactly the same. They present themselves as two, separate parties, but the truth is, they're a unit-party, with only minor, cosmetic differences between them. The issues they focus on, like identity politics, racial issues, gender issues, trans issues, LGBTQ, etc... are all just issues they use to distract people from what really mattes, which are class differences, and to divide people and turn them against one another. Nobody gets this. In my view, voting for Biden is tantamount to rewarding him for not simply aiding in, but facilitating in and directly supporting a genocide. We won't incentivize any of them to change if we just keep defaulting to choosing the "lesser of two evils", and honestly, it's debatable if Biden really is the "lesser" of evils when it comes between him and Trump.

We can speculate all day about what Trump will do when he's in office, but the truth is, all doing so does is distract from the very real harm Biden is doing right now. Trump didn't start any new wars, for example, and he actually helped get a huge amount of people out of prison, when he was in office. Meanwhile, Biden has brought the world closer to the start of WWIII than any president I can think of in my lifetime, saber rattling with Russia and China, engaging in mass censorship campaigns against US citizens and fully supporting a genocide while giving worthless lip-service about how opposed he is to the killing of civilians. They want you to think Trump will be some fascist dictator that won't ever leave office, but he was already president for four years, and the world didn't end, and he didn't refuse to leave office the first time. It's pure fearmongering to try and drum up support for someone who, frankly, is even worse.

Imagine what would happen if every person who said that voting third party wouldn't do any good just... decided to vote third party? We might actually get someone in office who isn't a complete sociopath. The only moral choice I feel like I, personally, can make, is to vote third party, and hope for the best.

[pollylynn]

Title: Speak Friend and Enter WC: 850

“It’s called research, Mother.” —Richard Castle, Nanny McDead (1 x 02)

It may only be their second case together, but he’s already familiar enough with her go-for-the-jugular interrogation style that he’s surprised when she declines to cross-examine him when he strongly implies that the Captain has sent him off to the Langham with a good-natured tousle of his hair and an admonition to be back before the streetlights come on. Of course, surprise comes in quite a distant second to relief, because the Captain had quite stubbornly not sent him off anywhere. 

Ditched you already? Guess that’s your tough luck, son. 

Montgomery hadn’t actually kicked back in his chair and propped his feet on the desk. He’d just spiritually kicked back, et cetera, et cetera, before settling in for an extended lecture on exactly how much more trouble with Beckett he was personally willing to buy. 

Spoiler Alert: The Captain has put himself down for precisely zero dollars more worth of trouble with Beckett, which has translated into more than a few actual dollars making their way out of a starving writer’s pocket and into the hands of people desperate or below-the-Beckett-radar enough to scatter a sufficient number of breadcrumbs for him to wind up here—out of breath and trying not to show it as he hopes the sideboard he has practically collapsed on to after his sprint from the service elevator all the way on the other side of the building. 

So he’s definitely surprised, but mostly relieved, when she doesn’t immediately nail him to the wall over a lie he’s not even sure why he told. Yes, relief has definitely come out on top when she simply works her jaw and struts out of the elevator and off down the hallway. Except she struts the wrong way down the hallway, as it happens and he’s on to lie number two. 

Doorman is a huge fan of my work. 

To be fair, that one might not be a lie. He’s a best-selling novelist. It’s entirely possible that might be a moderate fan of his work. Or at least familiar with his work. It’s entirely possible that he jumped the gun by leaping from the cab in front of the building with a wad of bills clutched in his outstretched fist, pleading for directions along the shortest possible path to the apartment where the dead nanny had, until recently, worked. But he had leapt from the cab, and he had led with a fistful of dollars to grease the palm of—he realizes as the case goes on—what may be the world’s best-informed, most talkative doorman. 

And it’s not like he couldn’t have told her that. In fact, it’s not at all like him not to have told her that. He has the money to make things happen—that’s the Richard Castle brand, and it may only be their second case together, but she hates it. Which is good for him, right? 

Because he is in the market for trouble with Beckett. He is here to feed an endless stream of quarters into the machine that riles her up, because riled up people spill their secrets. Isn't that the centerpiece of her whole master interrogator schtick? And imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right, so why shouldn’t he needle her just like so? Why shouldn’t he come right out and tell her there’s no place her badge can take her that he can’t buy his way right into? 

She’s the one to solve the case for him, unsurprisingly. It starts with an offhand comment. A little too rich for my blood, she says, when he mentions his poker games. The back of his neck prickles with heat—with what seems at first to be embarrassment. 

Tacky, he thinks. Waving his money around—in front of her, at least—feels tacky. 

As an explanation, though, it doesn’t satisfy. Since when does he, King of the Nouveau Riche, give a damn about what is and is simply not done? And anyway, deciding to keep his Civil Servant and Doorman Bribery discretionary fund on the down-low in the name of propriety does not at all require the two buddy-buddy relationships he’d felt compelled to invent before breakfast. 

The final solve comes when he sees her with Chloe Richardson and the knife. It comes when he sees her lower her gun and make herself small, approachable, empathetic so that this distraught, bleeding young woman with a knife in her hand feels safe enough to let her story come out in short, halting increments. It comes when he hears himself—the off-putting cynicism of it all—tell her that he likes the whole sisterhood thing she ran. It comes when he sees the mixture of confusion and something else flash across her face. Maybe pity. More likely contempt. 

I wasn’t ‘running’ anything, Castle. 

The solve comes when he hangs his head, more than embarrassed now. He’s been inventing relationships—inventing people who like him—because he wants her to think he’s likable. He doesn't want to rile her up. 

He doesn’t just want to rile her up. 

He wants her to like him. 

A/N: Seriousy? That doorman knows all. Zero things about this case would have been solved without the omniscient, chatty AF doorman, whom we never see.

images via homeofthenutty