#that im so far away from what im meant to be despite how far ive come

[redley-of-many-noodles]

TW/CW: Suicidal ideations, mental illness

I did not expect to be murdered today o - o

[karoochui]

What im hearing is:

Little crow feet outside my window bcs im feeding them- that’s besides the point!

Is there magic??? His shovel looks magic and they look magic

And do give me every detail you are thinking of for the series even if its in the distant future or not that relevant but you want to share

Crows!! Cute!! Also sorry i didnt get to this sooner my laptop BROKE (still broken but usable) and my mom and i have been looking for someone to fix it. Ive been drawing with it sparingly to be careful.

YES there is magic. Of course im still working on this storywise but im getting characters designs n whatnot done right now. Dynamics n stuff. BUT i do have some refs i made before my laptop broke.

I like to draw out certain stuff so that it helps with descriptions in the future; i have the worst memory so it helps to be able to do so. (More beneath cut)

Im so excited for moon's shadow form. Oh my god. Its probably my favorite thing right now.

Fun thing about it is that in this form he can touch you but you cant touch him. Something something you can be cast in shadow but you cant take it off yk? He's still light sensitive like this though, so if the area hes in isn't dark enough or he's hit with anything too bright he just reverts back. At that point he'd just have to rely on normal hand to hand stuff and his sand lol. The shadow form is just better for sneaking and speed. Really, he's some amalgamative idea of the sandman and boogieman. I thought it fit well with his whole "naptime attendant gone wrong" thing.

Sun's design, however, is more like if you mixed a cowboy, wizard, and gravedigger together. I made it a while ago on a whim with no intention behind it but then i ended up thinking "ykw would be so awesome".

The hat dips to cover the crescent side of his face (not intentional on his part) to symbolize his resentment towards moon and how he basically damned him to an hourglass. His eyes are easier to see bc of this which could seem more trusting (eyes are the window to the soul or whatever), but the thing is thats not normal for him (as we know) so it's meant to make him look suspicious and looming to 4th wall viewers. There's also the fact that i just thought it was cool too.

He also doesn't get a second form. Moon's sneaky and weird so i thought it would fit to give him some freaky thing iykwim. Sun, however, is a pretty "in your face" kinda guy, so his look and fight style is more extravagant and boisterous. Lots of swinging amd yelling and boom bang zap! Despite the showiness he's actually a longer range fighter. Mainly because unlike moon, thousands of years ago, he wasn't often one to get violent with his hands. His weapon is just obnoxiously large too though.

They are still one animatronic and their transformation is still triggered by light. Instead of an AI chip though (which is still in there but long dead), they live through the work of a soul. They're still physically inorganic but as far as spiritually they're as close as they're gonna get to being human. Their life and functionailty is derived from the magic itself, not the machinery. Like if for some reason they lost all their magic they'd just drop dead from a battery life long since drained.

The hourglass has a carousel-like design to it purely as reference to moon's level in Help Wanted 2.

Sorry for rambling so much but this is what i've got for you so far! I have a general idea for the plot but im tryna to make it more than what it is rn, so i dont wanna share too much of that just yet in case i change or completely toss away an idea.

[pjoxreader]

hey! so i read the 'what if reader betrays them' and was thinking it really seems like reader was forced to do this, so thats what im here for. id like to request a pt 2 with percy, annabeth, and leo, where reader dies, and says "ive always loved, since the beginning, before i had to do this, i never meant to play with your heart. make sure this doesnt happen to anyone else... i love you..." or something along the lines of this, so it just really angsty and also like "im about to kill whoever made you do this" and just like how they reacted to that! thanks, sorry if its too long!

Reader Betrays Them Part 2

((I hope you enjoy! It gets very angsty and a bit graphic so be ready for that!))

TW: Death, Gore

Percy Jackson

-You stopped before you could cut him down, falling to your knees. You made it this far yet you couldn’t go through with it. Now you put your family was in danger and you couldn’t help the tears streaming down your face.

-”I failed… I’m so sorry… Mom…” you choke out voice cracking. Percy is at your side in seconds holding you close in a hug. You missed the warmth of his arms so you choke back a sob and hug him close.

-For just those few seconds you forgot you were in the midst of war. Half-bloods fighting one another, blood staining the once colorful flower field. That’s when you see it. Someone raising a spear to throw into Percy’s back.

-Your body moves on its own, forcing Percy to flip over with you. Then you feel it. A sharp pain, a warmth and then… Then a burning ache. Your voice catches in your throat as the pain was so bad you couldn’t even form a scream coughing up blood. 

-You could see the look of utter horror in Percy’s eyes, a shaky smile forming on your face as you take a bloodied hand to his cheek to try and soothe him. Despite your own pain there was nothing worse than seeing the agony on Percy’s face. ”I’m sorry… I’m so sorry Percy I’ve always loved you…” you manage to choke out spitting up some blood.

-”No… No save your strength, you can tell me everything once you get better.” Percy was shaking, digging through his pack to find nectar or anything to help you. You gently take his hand. “My family… Please… Please protect them… Stop… The monster from… Hurting anyone else.” you plead. Your final request. Percy grits his teeth hard enough you worry they’d break but does nod. You smile in relief knowing Percy wouldn’t fail and with that you close your eyes content with the life you lived, hearing Percy scream in rage as you fade away.

Annabeth Chase

-You were just another traitor. You knew that. Just another person who had managed to hurt Annabeth… You didn’t have a choice. If you helped this monster it swore it’d spare Annabeth. That’s all you cared about.

-The two of you had sparred plenty of time before this, but this was different. The rage and anger in her eyes mixed with subtle tears. It hurt. Your heart felt like it was splitting in two. “Why! Why do you have to betray me too!?” She demands from you, voice quivering. 

-You try to say something to explain yourself in some way, but seeing an arrow flying towards her your body moves on its own. Capturing her in a tight hug. This surprises her as she tries to shove you back “W-What are you doing!?” she demands shoving you back.

-It was painful, it felt like someone had stabbed you with a hot knife but it felt worse when Annabeth shoved you away. You stumble back falling onto your ass and cough up some blood. You could see Annabeth’s gears turning in her head before she understands what happens paling and going to your side.

-You can’t help but laugh at that. You had been trying for years to surprise Annabeth and it never once worked. Now it has. “I… I could never stay mad at you Annabeth…” you say shakily feeling poison spreading through your blood like a hot fever. You could feel yourself getting dizzy and weak as Annabeth makes you lean against her trying to check the wound. “Why… Why would you do this!?” She demands tears streaming down her face.

-You shakily reach up using the last of your energy to rub her tears away. “For you… They swore… They’d spare you… If… if I joined them…” you manage to choke out. “I’m sorry… For doubting your strength.. But… But you were too important to me.” your words were getting weaker as you felt your body shake with chills. “I love you…” you manage to choke out with a wheeze. Annabeth gently rests her forehead against yours and as your vision fades away you could hear her faintly say “I love you too.”.

Leo Valdez

-Leo was smart and brave. You always knew that, but seeing his anger and frustration turned on you hurt. He threw fireballs at you, so you quickly dodge moving in to close the distance between you two. You were at a severe disadvantage with his range. He stops your advances by setting the grass and flowers in front of you on fire.

-You wouldn’t be able to get close to him, there’s no way. But then he does something you don’t expect. He jumps through the fire pinning you to the ground, he stops the flames that had crawled its way up his body by forcing himself to take deep breaths. “Why… Tell me why you did this!” he pleads with you, his voice cracking slightly at the end. 

-The pain in his eyes is enough to make you crack, not being able to stop the tears that stream down your face. “Because I love you Leo.” you manage to choke out. The look of utter confusion was clear on his face, but before you could explain you watch as one of Leo’s explosions go off near you both. 

-You didn’t hesitate to flip Leo over and shield him with your body as you see green flames burst and die around you. You let out a weak cry of pain feeling your back light up in pain and then it was gone. You could feel the area around the burn arching like a lit torch was being held to it, it must have burned through your nerves. “No! No!” You hear Leo scream checking your back.  -You could see the color fade from his face as he goes ghostly pale and that’s when you knew. “I’m sorry…” you choke out realizing that you may never get the chance to tell him everything. You force yourself to focus all your energy into talking. “No, no, save your energy. I’ll get some ambrosia!” Leo tries but you knew it wouldn’t do any good.

-”Just… Listen.” you plead with him, weakly taking his hand. He takes a shaky breath and nods, holding your hand instead rubbing gentle circles on your palm. “I’ve always loved you… Ever… Ever since you talked to me at camp… They… They put me under a curse… If… If I didn’t help them… I would be forced to kill you..” you manage to explain. You could feel the coolness of Leo’s tears against your hand which was a starch contrast to the burning in your back. “I love you too… I… I could never stop loving you…” You could feel your vision blur as you give a weak smile seeing Leo on fire with a roar of anguish. Your last thought being of how his flames make him look like a shining star.

~Masterlist & Rules~

Like my writing? Please consider sending me a Ko-fi! ☕

[yanderu-deredere]

Is it okay to ask a bit more about Isamu’s food kink? What does that entail? 🫣

a/n: I BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE-- neway heres something only one person has asked for becos ive really wanted to write it for a while LOL

im trying to get into the swing of writing again by writing stuff ive been eager to write for a while so i hope you guys can forgive me for putting some of my series aside for now

pairing: gender neutral reader x isamu word count: 504

warning: hand feeding, semi-public sex (dinner table at the cabin), feederism? i guess? maybe kind of, cockwarming

isamu lowell ★ profile

When Isamu had told you that he wanted the both of you to take a quick break, stating that he didn't want to run you ragged and end up hurting you, you figured that meant he'd wash up and tuck you in for a nap.

What you didn't expect was this.

You whined out his name, your hips jerking a little, though you couldn't exactly figure out whether you wanted to pull away or push towards him.

Isamu, on the other hand, had a firm grip around your waist, arm locked in an embrace that was meant to keep your back flush against his chest and your ass firmly on his lap.

You felt him nuzzle against the back of your ear, his nose ghosting over the shell of your ear "Stop moving, I said I wanted to take a break."

Easy for him to say. His cock felt so big inside of you, his knot pressing against your walls, and the tip of his dick kissing against a spot inside of you that made your entire body sing.

You were snapped out of your dazed staring by something brushing against your lips. Your eyes focused and, immediately, you saw some rice with a piece of fish being held to your mouth.

It always made you wonder why the wolves loved feeding you by hand but, honestly, being pampered that way made you feel loved.

You took the food into your mouth, going so far as to even give the tips of Isamu's fingers small kitten licks. The fish was leftovers from last night but, despite that, the taste was as great as ever.

"Good puppy." Isamu muttered, his hand trailing from your hip to the middle of your stomach, his thumb tracing circles into your skin.

You squirmed since you were a little ticklish but Isamu didn't seem to mind at all as he pressed a kiss to the back of your ear and then another against the side of your jaw.

His affection made your head dizzy; Isamu was so rarely this soft since he was always too shy to do much of anything. Yet, now, it seemed he overflowed with love for you.

You squirmed again, but, this time, it was less because of how horny Isamu made you and more because, slowly but surely, the more Isamu fed you, the fuller you felt.

It would've been fine, honestly, but with the fullness in you caused by Isamu's cock, it felt almost uncomfortable.

"Too much." You whined this time, head turning when Isamu's hand came up to your lips with another bit of rice and fish.

Isamu huffed in response, pressing another kiss against the side of your jaw while his other arm's grip pulled you impossibly closer.

"Just a little more, puppy." His hand followed your lips and you were coerced to take another mouthful of food.

If you didn't know any better, you would've suspected that Isamu was enjoying tormenting you like this, filling both you and your stomach to the brim till all you could do was whimper and shift around.

When another small handful of food was pressed against your lips, you took it, knowing you were a sucker for the stupid man.

[strwberri-milk]

Hello! This is my first time doing this kind of thing. May I request an anxious younger sibling reader coming out as aromantic asexual to older siblings Diluc and Kaeya? If you accept then thank you!

i just wanted to say im writing this after spending all day writing requests this is. probably literally the 20th one ive written today bc i got totally swamped but i am very proud of myself for getting to this point

Diluc and Kaeya are great older brothers because they would do anything to protect you. You've always felt safe around them, knowing that they'd do anything if it meant making you smile or keeping you safe. Despite that, you knew that it was still terrifying to come out to them because there was this horrible feeling in the back of your mind that they would reject you.

The two of them often made jokes about how they couldn't wait to meet your future partner and give them some well deserved shovel talk in the event that they would try to hurt you. You didn't know how they would react, but hoped that it would be as supportive as you imagined they would be.

When you finally tell them, they just have a few questions to ask you. They're more curious rather than anything, and when you mention there's a chance you could enter a queer platonic relationship they just nod and tell you that you shouldn't feel the need to enter any sort of relationship that you don't want to.

Diluc is a lot more analytical, asking questions that almost make your head spin with how confusing some of them are. He's just curious and wants to understand to the fullest extent what you're telling them, making sure he's not missing anything in your explanation.

Kaeya is a little more appealing to the emotional side, reassuring you that neither of them feel differently about you in spite of the news you've just given them. As far as they're concerned, you're still their sibling and you not really having any interest in relationships makes his life easier as he doesn't have to worry about you being taken away from them.

They both still adore you, knowing that there's nothing you could say or do that would change that fact. They might tease you for being so nervous, but it's all in good fun and all they want is for you to smile again.

[imustbenuts]

@polast-u-s

this hinges more on my interpretation of kiran so if you’ll humor me, i’ll start explaining why

so im working off the idea that kiran is a fire emblem nerd isekai’d into FEH. from there, i extrapolated a couple of common possible traits a person like that might have

possessiveness of heroes. the player would likely try not to let their fav FE unit go if they wanted to leave

obsessiveness. the player wouldve likely dug up all kinds of info relating to their fixation, be that lore or character wise. in short, imagine a player walking up to you and immediately going ‘btw i know of your most embarrassing vulnerable moment bc ive been watching over u! uwu’. (fuck that shit lmao)

arrogance/hubris. FEH is medieval and we’re technologically advanced so the natural assumption for some people is we just know better, for example

and if we assume that the leads in FE games are their avatar, or their window to look into the worlds, then you can start to see that an isekai’d person like that starts to have a perception of time in the same way a god or a divinity would. 2 years in fire emblem awakening would have been 5 minutes for us, for example.

and now, what if this player had a sense of how the FE world and its political systems should be? what if we had nothing but a single FE game world, say arachnea, and we see marth ascend the throne, only to see one of his descendants fucking things up in the next game. now, if the player now had the direct power to change things… would they possibly get rid of this descendant who has failed their expectations? maybe restore the nation marth built, through his journey of sacrifice, tragedy and blood, instead of watching it waste away?

you know, kinda like what eitri did?

replace marth with any FE royals meant to ascend the throne. alfonse, chrom, dmitri, alfred, alear, absolutely whoever and whatever. same thing applies.

eitri has all 3 traits i mentioned above. they're loyal to Niðavellir’s first king, possessive of his country and obsessed enough to engineer a crown that drives everyone but the ‘correct’ bloodline crazy. their arrogance is what ultimately does them in, their hubris borne out of that first love and obsession.

they summon heroes and breaks them, kiran summons heroes and seems to at least implant a suggestion. as far as i can tell, no matter how you’re meant to read kiran, they’re meant to come off as benevolent, so those three traits can be present, but not expressed overtly.

(as a thought exercise, would YOU let go of the unit you sunk orbs and feathers for? to build? if this was a real situation and these were real actualized people, are you, the player, benevolent?)

so when eitri says in their recording left for the summoner at the end of book 5:

@1:34: “And you, what incredible self-righteousness! Do you really think you’re any different?”

my thought when i saw that was just: ‘i love this antagonist holy shit’

uh anyway yeah thats why i think eitri is a reflection of the player. i might be reading too hard into this, but here u go.

as a final note, i think fafnir is a reflection of the player as well, but far more ignorant than anything. both kiran and fafnir are isekai’d into FE, and i think if there exists a player who is arrogant enough, they could totally take out alfonse and take over askr. but kiran doesnt despite the power they are clearly gaining as time goes on. i also read this as the world of FE punishing an outsider stepping too far out of line, so maybe its a good thing kiran didnt try to do exactly what fafnir did.

[tahyal]

Hello! Hope you are well!! I have particular situation I wanted to get your thoughts on if you don't mind.

After leaving our hometown my husband and I moved far away from our toxic families, literally left everything behind to start a new life, we moved to our favorite city in the world, where we felt the most home and happiness and just felt like our true selves there.

The first two years we were there we were soo happy, successfully rebuilding from scratch and eventually we started a family...after that things took a turn, one thing after another kept happening, back to back to back, we were completely knocked down to the point we decided to move back to our hometowns to try and get back on our feet. We broken heartedly left our home in our dream city and moved back hoping one day to return.

Upon moving back things still kept happening but have slowly stopped and we are getting back on our feet. We miss our old home so much and are planning to move back in the next few years. My family says there must be some evil eye on our life done there and we shouldnt go back...but despite what happened towards the end of our stay, we loved our little life there so much that its hard to even want to go anywhere else.

Im not sure what to think.

Hello!

Something similar happened to me at some point in my life, at first I resisted but I ended up accepting that I was just not meant to be there anymore. What Ive noticed is that usually when you are no longer in alignment with a place, person, or situation, signs will show up, and sometimes they take the form of back to back obstacles. Now that isn’t to be confused with « tests » sent to make you stronger, or affirm your position. Those are different and you usually overcome them no matter how difficult. However when you keep getting actual warnings, that feel ominous/destructive, then I suggest you take heed. Ask God for clarity and discernment, sincerely, you’ll definitely get an answer.

In my experience, I ended up leaving just like you, and I actually experienced even more bliss than the one I was so attached to in that other place. It took some time, but I understood why it happened the way it did!

Try to take a step back from the feelings of attachment and longing (I know its easier said than done, but try nonetheless), really assess things from an intuitive but objective perspective. Deep down you know what you’re meant to do and where you’re meant to be, even if you don’t know why exactly. Trust that the divine plan will unfold perfectly for you.

[spikeinthepunch]

rebrand conflict

idk how to decide what is a good or bad decision in terms of like...wanting to rebrand. i wish i could count back to how long i have used "morrysillusion" overall, i dont have a specific date. but i know after the white/brown antelope/wolf fursona, i think i dropped "moreyytilatot"? i think i tried to just go by "morey" in some form (i recall "princemorry" url). and then i dropped the 'nisovinsillusion' url maybe in early 2016? but i also had the coffini url here for a good while after. i cant remember if i used morrysillusion outside of tumblr around that time so. idk...

and heres the thing-- i dont really feel disconnected from my username, its fine and i think its p cool. but also in my head i keep wanting to change it, and part of that is wanting to claim a super old username i have no bad associations with. and i think part of that is bc of all the ways i am trying to do the things i was denied through my younger years-- so i am just reliving a lot of nice things and recalling the vibes and online trend etc i had. but also like.... attitude? personality wise? i feel like im not reflecting that w my current "brand" so to speak. at the very least if i didnt change my username, i still dont feel like the current look is something i want. i think the urge on the username change is just an additional feeling to push away from what i have been under this name.

the username i keep wanting to fall back to is 'spikeinthepunch/spikedpunch' (had the short one on xboxlive and the long one on deviantart) which was a short lived username but has no negative relations to anything, and i wished i kept it for a bit longer. and its kind of an edgy username lol. but in my recent years of growing as an adult, moving out, and being my own person, i feel soooo different than how my accounts have been presenting me. i guess ive been like soft, simple, and stiff in presentation? i think i fell into this when i was thinking id keep doing art commissions etc in a "professional" way, and especially bc i was doing my CN internship around then and wanted to still look presentable for the industry when looking for jobs. and while i certainly would love to work in the creative industry potentially, i obviously dont need to keep up that Normal-er image, i never should have, but also at that age and time i didnt feel like i could be that way at all. i was far more nervous of people interpreting me badly, negatively, etc if i was more edgy or mature. i was young and not dealing with my issues and so fixated on trauma etc.

this is also lining up w my plans to rework my website too. and i think a lot of this feeling also comes along w my "mascot" who i think is lovely! but him being a "mascot" makes him.... very detached from me as a person. i havent had any sonas to relate to in almost over a year... and my mascot was never meant to be a sona, just a Guy to represent my vibe (the colors, aliens) and social media appearance. and i guess i dont like that vibe anymore. i havent even felt all too into the shift i made to Mikike just having a vague spacesuit either, i felt i was just forcing that in order to fit the simple minecraft skin format for readability. (if people were to draw my skin, making it plantigrade and less animal would be easier)

and of course an additional observation i have had in more recent times are manic episodes that make me uproot parts of my life and change a lot of stuff about my identity etc. it may not seem like that happens online but its bc i manage to hold back on changing things abt my online branding lol- but it often results in making sideblogs for whatever new fandom/media i attached to in my episode and irl changing my entire appearance to fit and much more (and promptly drop both in about a month or so- its why i have so many abandoned sideblogs). this is obviously the bigger issue bc its what makes it Very hard for me to not do this (n yes i am in a bit of an episode rn despite my medication so...). and shocker, so many of my username/url changes and failure to ever keep one long enough to form an identity is related to that as well! its a surprise i havent done it in years but it was the expectation to stay with one identity, one look, in order to be Normal and recognized in a professional way, and i dont like that.

making this post and dumping thoughts has me thinking on a solution. as i said i dont really feel detached from my username. but what i dont relate to the most now is the way i feel i have gotten stuck in presenting myself online, and as a "brand". i want to toss out my color scheme, my mascot, my outward attitude. i want to let myself actually present in a way i like and not in a way that feels "clean". when my wcrp got shut down i had to come to the idea of acceptance and letting go of things i cannot control. and the reality of what truly doesnt matter in terms of what people may think of me. that was a huge pressure left on me for YEARS thanks to 2014-16 tumblr mindset and it is so so much harder to break esp if you want to try and be a creator and build an audience. i felt like i had become aware of this, and i have, but i didnt really click the fact that i wasnt into my current online presence bc i was still living with a piece of that era.. the fear of getting popular and being 'called out' for something for years ago, that wasnt even serious or bad, feeling like i was stepping carefully everywhere even when nothing was wrong. this doesnt entirely tie to WHY i want to do all the above. its just an observation on one of the things that hold me back too. just staying the same and staying safe. i hardly ever post, and while its something i chose to do its also a 'bonus' to not giving people much things to read off of me and assume from too.

this is getting too long and i think i have my point. idk what im gonna do but im thinking a lot abt how i should take control of my online life.

[official-sovietunion]

Yesterday was trans day of visibility. I want to write this post here bc it is the only account online where i feel comfortable doing so. I dont use this account anymore, but when i did, i was very vocal about being trans.

I was vocal about being trans everywhere. I was, and still am, proud of my transness, and dedicated to fighting for myself and my trans siblings. I was also pre-medical transition, and despite feeling i looked very masculine, existing in the world meant outing myself every single day.

It is exhausting. It is exhausting to constantly be fighting and correcting and telling not only strangers but people ive known for years. I did not know there would ever be another option for me, so i accepted this and fought and made damn sure my voice as a trans person was heard. It is also exhausting to be homeless and stealth for safety reasons, knowing you have nowhere to run to, knowing that any sign of queerness could be the end of your life, knowing you must constantly hide and choose your words carefully to not gibe anything away.

Shortly before starting hormones, i experimented with being stealth in a particular online community that is known for its edginess and tendency to attract bigoted people (there is also a large amount of queer people in this community and we've managed to shift the userbase over the years to be more inclusive).

I made this decision because of the interactions i would have with some members that were sometimes s3xual, as well as interactions i had on dating apps. I had sent some nudes with a packer to cis men on grindr without really meaning to pass it off as my natal organs, but they assumed i was cis. That was the first time i realized i might be able to 'pass' in this capacity.

I knew that many of the cis people there, if they knew i had certain parts, would never fully think of me as a man. I just wanted people to imagine me with a penis regardless. Did being stealth in this community work? Not exactly. A lot of people made it clear they knew i was trans and would harass and ask me invasive questions, but i was adamant in never admitting my transness to them. We dont owe cis people anything.

Shortly after this i became homeless, following my 18th birthday. from that point on i have been 100% stealth until i find out someone else is trans too, i will tell them in private. At first i was getting misgendered still, but i would act confused like 'you thought i was a girl? How wacky and unusual for me! Haha!' This seemed to work pretty well and after a couple years on hormones i passed pretty much 100% of the time.

A lot of trans people read me as cis. This was comforting, briefly, since if even another trans person couldnt tell, a cis person definitely wouldnt be able to. But i hate it. I hate to think that any trans person has to wonder if they can be themselves around me, if they can trust me. Its interesting also to see the way cis people will talk to me about trans people, not realizing im "one of them"

I feel like i am betraying part of myself. I feel like i am betraying the whole trans community. I want to fight and be vocal again. I want to actually be open about my gender identity. I tell people i am a man because it makes things easier. Because it is safer. Because of all the people who just continued to call me a girl and said i had to pick a gender. I dont have to pick a gender. Gender isnt real to me. I will present the way i want to present.

As i get closer to bottom surgery, i feel much more confident that i will be able to be more vocal about transness. I dont know what i will tell people about my gender identity. I dont really want to have to have a gender identity at all. I have experienced far too much ego death to be connected to any concept of identity that goes any further than a preformance. I just dont want people to know my AGAB. i want them to see me as someone who has always had a penis, even if it was only in my mind for much of my life. What i really want is for people who have no business in my pants to stop thinking so hard about whats down there.

I want to balance being able to maintain my privacy while not feeling i hafta hide myself. I want to balance being able to feel safe with my activism. So many people dont have the priveldge to hide. I was one of those people once. I dont want to hide, its more important than ever that trans youth see people that look like them. This isnt something that will come easily, with everything happening politically. And aside from that, untill theres not a single transphobe left in the world, i dont think ill ever feel completely safe as an openly trans person on the street. But im working towards… something. Like everything, itll be a transition.

Im tired of my identity, my existence, being so intertwined and influenced by violence, biogtry, capitalism. If it werent for the way cis people treat us, if it werent for the way this society works that keeps us poor and refuses us housing, i wouldnt hafta worry about any of this. I would be loudly and joyously trans. I dont know if ill ever be able to get to that point, bc its not even really up to me. But if i am willing to speak up and fight, i can help make changes that will make it possible not just for me but for everyone.

[remain-uknowable]

What on earth did I do to deserve you? You think way to highly of me. Im not going to tell that to you though. I don't want to reject you like that. But its true. I know your going through a hard time right now and lonely and thats okay ill be here no matter what. Just... please don't treat me like im some specail gift or something. I don't know how to handle it and it makes me feel bad. When you get to truly know me youll realize im not a super awesome person. And im worried the higher you think of me the more of a shock that would be. Im not a "godsend". Im just an insecure guy. And im trying really hard to not revert to bad habits that I learned growing up and ruin what we have. You are the amazing person. Not me. Please keep your expectations low of me and don't get too attached if you can help it. Ive never really been this close to someone before. And im kinda really scared. But im also excited and happy. But also super scared. Not even my friend of around 7 years ive been this close too. Some of the old friends ive made didn't even know my parents got divorced and thats why I had to move away from them. I... I really like what we have. I love our friendship. I just.... im scared. Im worried I won't be enough in the end and im worried youll find im ugly. Truth is im a bit fake with everyone. And that includes you sometimes. Wich im sure you already know. And i make sure to take that mask off more with you. And im also real scared. That i have something real ugly about me thats gonna hurt you. Amd your gonna hate me. Or worse. Your gonna try to love me anyways. But youll still be hurt. Because your a really forgiving person like that. I really really do not deserve you. But despite that I really really wanna be around you. Im worried about all sorts of dumb things ive never been this close to people before I don't know how to go about this. I think i don't really get as close to people as I used to try to. This is one of the biggest efforts ive made and this time it worked. But I wasn't prepared for it to work. I came onto here for fun and I decided to break that mask a little bit. And you love me for it. I didn't expect that. I went from being me and realizing people didn't love me for it. To masking to everyone and realizing they never really liked me enough to stick around. And then I stopped talking to people cause it hurt. I decided i just wasn't someone that was meant to have friends. I decided i was worthless and wasn't worth caring about. And mabye i still feel that way. I don't know. And then I came on here and was me because this is far enough removed from my body and life mabye it would be okay and then people came along. Including you. Especailly you. And that is scary cause im so used to it not being like that. I know my mom and brothers love me. Andd i was settled with that. And mabye I even felt too disgusting to be around them mabye I just hate myself that much.

So I guess I really love you. At least for what I think I know is love. But I just... don't think to highly of me im not that awesome... im just careful. And if you ever left me cause I ever hurt you in any way or you got tired of me, that's fine. I think ive gotten used to it. Just... don't get too attached. It could hurt you you need way more people than just me too and thats a fact.

[undeademoprincess]

I need to get this off my chest somehow because i just

I feel so fucking conflicted and tired. The constant teeter tottering if not riding both extremes of feeling like a burden, no one wants or seeks out my company the way i do theirs, the "why even bother" mentality always in steadily creeping up on me, feeling constant over stimulation as well as under stimulation (sometimes both at once and theres times its only one effecting me but i get no break from it all) vs knowing and seeing im loved, wanted and appreciated, that im not some forced to be stuck with tag along burden people in my life put up with, and just being able to breath without doubting thoughts and actions of others towards me and feeling the calm that life is supposed to be. Just, all of the cruel thoughts, turning my own mind against itself and those i care for is exhausting and painful, especially when i unfortunately see things that back up the "mental demons", where i sadly agree with it because its persuasive and skilled enough to warp the truth i know for fact, im just too disheartened and tried to aruge back and thus sadly agree and it breaks me. For how it feels, when all this kicks in, it really does feel like some demon or dark intruder gets off on pitting me against things. I can watch someone so small and insignificant happen and when im not on the ball to counter it, it uses that as evidence that "see? You ARE bothering others". The slightest reaction or lack thereof always gets warped and twisted. The tiring part is i KNOW its pitting me against things, myself, and others. I KNOW this "voice" or intrusive thought(s) are just that, intrusive and theyre lying and warping reality to suit its perspective. To constantly rebuttle, reanalyze memories, literally ask what someone meant by what they said something, its beyond draining. Id say its all day, that theres obvious signs to who or what and HOW itd go after everything, but there just isnt. Theres no consistency other than being relentlessly brutal on making me feel alienated despite that very well not being the case. And again, i both know and see that. But i dont always have the heart or energy to fight back, rebuttle every dark thought, PROVE it wrong.

Thats when its actually relentless. Whispers and snarky, slide off the shoulder quick "comments" become whole trains of thought for minutes if not hours. Like a song you cant get out of your head in a way. Every year, as it gets closer and closer to holidays i dont like due to so many loved ones ive lost this time of year, i get seasonal depression and thus the mental beat down just gets worse. I know thats a root cause, with a handful of other things tho far more minor and insignificant from years back. I dont know how to stop all this, or to stop adding fuel to the fire the intrusive thoughts, dark voices, or mental demons (whichever suits your fancy) feed so desperately off of. My go to has always been to back off and isolate myself. Over time i noticed interactions with people are what it really pits against me, so if i back away from people for a while, it loses its fuel source and dies out. I then get my break from the mental warfare, i get hopefully some sort of quality time to myself during this, recover my foot hold over myself, and can eventually turn back to my friends and family comfortably without having to argue with myself their intentions and my self worth.

I dont want pity, i just need to rant and that feeling like im unloved, unwelcomed, a burden, and etc etc is at a ever creeping high at the moment for me right now. Ive always believed in letting out and talking to others about thoughts and emotions, helps yoy process things and open up. Rn i dont feel emotionally or mentally stable enough without absolutely breaking down and crumbling on those who i KNOW are there for me, always have and always will be. They dont need me losing my marbles on them, and i dont like people seeing or hearing me this low. I dont want anyone who unfortunately reads this to worry about me, especially doing anything drastic. Im a tough cookie and ive been through hell, this aint anything but its definitely a dark bumpy road that i WILL navigate. I just, i needed to rant and sort out my thoughts some, and between talking and typing it all out, those work best for me.

So for anyone that does unfortunately read this, sorry for possibly worrying you. I both am and am not fine, and the aspects of me that arent are things i plan on puttinf aside for now and recovering with for a bit. And until i learn anything else that works for me on battling and stopping this mental warfare i always get each year, im taking my people break, for my own selfish reasons. Im purposely going to make it harder to reach me for a while so that way my mind gets the social rest it needs to stop manipulating shit as i experience it. I cant stress how much i WILL be fine. I have my cats luna and bubba, my gecko tubby, my dogs pierre and louie. I have them for warmth, cuddles, kisses and company while im recouping. It might take me a bit to crawl back out of my hole, but i hope if anything i can come back to open arms friend wise when im feeling and doing far better than i am now. That itll be seen and treated like i was on vacation. These arent thoughts and emotions i like showing or displaying, another reason i isolate myself until im better.

If, for whatever reason you feel you need to or have to reach me, those who know how to reach me and can will. Im basically going to shrink access down to me to texts, cause everything else adds to the flip flop warfare of being over stimulating and under stimulating all at once. With everything else goin on in my mind and life rn, i really need whatever energy i have and can spare to get through all this in one piece, finish this semester, and get through this hellish time of the year without seasonal depression also fatiguing me.

I just... im in desperate need of me time if you will. And ill be back to my old usual self in hopefully a few weeks, maybe as long as until after Christmas. I just, i dont wanna don a mask in front of others, struggle to hold it up, break down, and feel worse. I dont like putting up fronts for others

Ill be fine, really. I think the only other thought i wanna express is that even when my mind tells and tries its hardest to convice me otherwise, i know im loved, wanted, and appreciated by people. I just cant confidently tell you why or what about me is worthwhile to others (i struggle with this even on normal days when everything is hunky dory), but i know this simple fact, and even if im struggling to hold onto it, trust me when i say that the usual me that gets so tired and worn out during times like this definitely knows and remembers, and its facts like this that i can, even in rocky times like this, guarantee ill be just fine, because its these tucked away facts that eventually help me get my foot hold again.

[spikesbimbo]

Drunk in Love

Summary:  Getting drunk and confessing your love for your “boy” friend and fucking him was most definitely not what you expected to go down on the usual night.

Pairing: Issei Matusukawa x Reader

Tags: Timeskip!Tattoed Mattsun, softdom!issei Hurt/comfort, friends to lovers, smut, fluff, virgin!reader, Unptrotected sex, non-penetrative sex, fingering, oral, pussy/thigh job, clit slapping, sweet dirty talk, praise, drunk sex

Word count: 7.2k

A/N: I heard pussy job and I wrote a whole ass novel

18+ Minors DNI

You run your finger over the condensation of your empty drink, drawing shapes (or what you thought to be shapes, you couldn’t tell at this point) waiting for your dear friend, Makki to bring you a refill of your cocktail.  

“Here ya go.” Makki said as he returned with your beloved Malibu Sunset. The smooth coconut rum bringing you back to your first and favorite drink that you ever got drunk on in high school. You smiling at the memory

“Thanks.” you say. Your reply being mumbled by the liquid already in your mouth.

This all started with Iwaizumi calling Mattsun up, you and Makki hearing “You wanna get wasted?” on the other side of the phone. And with pleasure, you two were already packing your stuff up, shoving yalls “pregame” bottles back in the bag. The three of you made your happy way there climbing through the fence of the abandoned skate park you were in. Needles to say it was abandoned for a reason, but what’s life without a little danger.

You three and the rest of the third years have been friends since high school, meeting in freshman year, and now including Oikawa’s girlfriend. You actually didn’t like Oikawa at first, his “pretty boy” demeanor making you internally cringe. But his personality grew quickly on you, being the perfect target to tease you and Iwa clowning him over everything.

Now back to you on your nth drink, complaining about your previous job that fired you because u got injured, even though you know you wouldn’t have lasted long there anyways because you weren’t that academically inclined. Bright? Whatever you wanted to call it.

And as-usual it wasn’t long before your crybaby ass immediately called Makki and Issei and “tried” your best to tell them what happed with your dramatic self-induced tears running down you race, while Makki urged to you to try to calm down and Issei straight up laughing at the state your were in, snot running out of your nose. You recoiling at the thought, hoping they forgot. (Spoiler, they didn’t)

But now you nanny for a rich couple and you get payed good to play with cute babies all day, sounds good to you! Luckily, you had the week off due to them going on a vacation, you think it was France, no, the south of France. Must be nice.

Cue to now, Mattsun chuckling and leaning on you and Iwaizumi; both of you, especially Iwa, being visibly done with his shit. Him reminding you about the times you bought him some random shit, which you went out of your way for since he always payed for you, like that chopper keychain because you said it reminder you of him.

He didn’t know what compelled you to say his 6’2, tattooed built self looked like a tiny reindeer but okay. It still meant a lot to him, hooking it onto his motorcycle keys. But you knew he appreciated it, despite his appearance he’s a softie.

“You wanna try this’” He says gaining his composure offering you one of the shots he got.

You took one of the mini glasses, not being the type to back down and promptly swung the drink to the back of your mouth, quickly coughing before it even reached your throat.

“This shit is fucking gross.” You coughed out bringing the glass down from your lips.

  “Imagine being sober. Can’t relate.” He said taking another shot.

  “I guess I should do that but ive passed the point of giving a fuck” You said sending yall into a giggling fit while somehow Makki was thrown in to support yall from falling over. You two carry on laughing ignoring everyone’s stares at you thinking about how much yall fit perfectly together.  

   Makki rearranges himself to sit back in his chair, far away, from the both of you, whispering “Damn. I’m really third wheeling.” under his breath. Getting a snicker out of Oikawa sitting next to him.

   “When your best friends are ignoring you. Sad times.” He continues bringing his bottle to his mouth getting no response.

  Issei chuckles and gets up shoving his hands in his pocket reaching for the cigarettes. Pulling them out while failing to find his lighter

  “Fuck.” He muttered

  “Any’all got a light?”

  No one responds so you sacrifice yourself “Yeah” you say reaching into your pocket grabbing out your prized possession of a hot pink, bedazzled lighter that you did yourself, reaching out to hand it to him.

  “Don’t lose it” you stated seriously trying not to break a smile.

  “K’ sweet cheeks.” He said smirking into the butt between his lips as he walked away. Your face now burning up, hoping that everyone would think it was because of the alcohol.

  You mind wanders, thinking about the “dates” you two go on, from watching shows you “forcing” him to watch some romantic anime, to going to the skatepark, to playing video games with the rest of the 3rd years (which you don’t really like but you’ll play for him) and him surprising you with takeout, you bringing out candles trying your best to make it cute with him telling u everything you everything about his day.

  And you always tried to remain calm, even though sometimes he deserved to get his ass beat, like that one time he broke one of your favorite pair of heels. It honestly hurt him even more, he wanted you to get mad at him but no, you just acted like nothing happened. Making the guilt rise in him. Let’s just say didn’t have to lift a finger for the next few weeks.

You basically babied him, taking care of all his “chores”, mainly making him food when you were at his place knowing he hated doing it. Makki teasing you for acting like his housewife, leading to you slapping the shit outta him while trying to cover your now red cheeks.

You’ve never been so grateful for your attire at the moment, blessing yourself for not wearing your usual outfits of short skirts and cute tops, defending yourself saying what housewife dresses in beat up vans and baggy clothes. You definitely not imaging yourself in that position for the rest of the day.

 You expressed that you just liked to take care of people, which was true. You always looked out for them, bringing an extra umbrella, to bringing cookies you made at 2 in the morning to school, always carrying band-aids (yes, the paw patrol ones you took from the kids you babysit).

You checked the time on your phone seeing it was late since the sun at last went down, your lock screen being your dogs to their complaint since they have a group photos of you all from high school as theirs. To which you replied “They’re my babies” getting a groan and huff out of them.

  Seeing the notifications of your group chat you grinned at the contact name you and Issei gave each other; yall jokingly call each other pet names, his contact being honeybun and yours being pumpkin, even including Makki in your contacts as pudding bc then it wasn’t weird, right? no.

  “What’re you smiling at y/n?” Oikawa cheekily asks teasing you. You turn to him giving him a dirty look, not having enough energy to deal him right now.

  “Don’t listen to his bullshit.” Oikawa’s girlfriend says. You’re thankful for her. She was always on your side, being the only other girl in your friend group. To be honest you just wanted her and you to hang out most of the time, but of course to your disapproval her boyfriend and his friends had to join in.

  “Fuck this. Fuck you. I’m sleeping.” You say getting up to her objection, the only thing on your mind wanting to retire for the night.

  “You sure you’ll be fine? Let us at least walk you home.” She said already grabbing her boyfriend’s arm.

  “Nah, im good. I live right down the road.” You try to say not slurring. The last thing you want is him teasing you even more, especially in this state, knowing you, you’d probably start crying at the slightest irritation when youre this drunk.

    You started to “walk” towards your house resting  your hand against the brick walls to not lose your balance, leading you to run into Issei. You stopped to watch him lean against the alley holding a cigarette between his index and middle finger.

  “I’m hiding like a bitch” He says noticing you, resting his weight against the wall.

 “Wanna be a bitch with me? He grinned  blowing out the smoke out with his words.

You didn’t reply, just walking over to him, just being around him made you feel warm.

"Fuck its windy.” He says trying to light a new cig.

“C’you make me a house?” He asks.

You go up and put your hands around his cigarette, this not being your first time. Your hands wrap a little tighter to prevent the wind from burning out his flame. He joins you with his free hand helping, finally getting his cig to light.

 “Thanks doll” He smirks.

“No problem princess.” You reply earning a laugh out of him.

He takes his first hit with his and your hands still wrapped around it. He gets an up-close look at your hands, noticing how tiny they were, seeing all the scars that he never noticed, making a mental note to ask you how you got them later.

His head gets close to yours for the first time in a while due to his height. You glance at his face, noticing his features seeing some stubble growing on his face.

“You ain’t shave?” You ask, never seeing it in the past, while he was moving back up, blowing the smoke away from you.

“What, you don’t like my majestic beard? “He jokes. Making you giggle almost losing your balance before catching yourself on the wall.

  “s’too much work.” He starts. “You wanna shave it for me?” he says slightly leaning towards you. Handing you back your lighter knowing you didn’t need him to carry it because your pants actually had pockets in them for once.

You let out a soft laugh not responding again. He catches on, you got quiet when you were tired and he made out that you were walking towards your house.

“You going home?” he asks already knowing the answer.

“Yeah.” You respond more than happy to have him walk you back, him already moving to walk next to you.

He walks you home, you two talking about random shit, both of you forgetting about your skateboards leaving Makki to deal with them. And even though you’re drunk as fuck you’re still in the right state of mind, carrying a normal conversation with him. But just because you’ve built a tolerance doesn’t mean you can do basic tasks, like walk correctly.

When he reaches your house, he types in the keycode, your first dogs birthday, being glad that you, him and Makki have each other’s memorized.

He leads you into you house setting you on the couch, petting your dogs that ran up to him.

“Mommy’s not feeling too good” He said giving them the affection they deserved.

“Yes I am.” You slurred getting them attention on you now.

He walked over to your counter putting on the playlist that you two made together on shuffle, High fashion being the first to play. You didn’t like when it was quiet because too many thoughts would run though your head. You were in no way sad, singing the lyrics while you were laughing barely being able to hold yourself up as proof.

Remembering you were tired, he takes you off the couch and borderline carries you to your room, , setting you on your plush blankets that you had so many of because it was warm and comfy.

 “Easy, there. Try to sit up.”He said, trying to ask you what draws your pj’s were in because he didn’t want to snoop around; neither of you being bothered that you were half naked, what’s the difference between panties and a bikini, he thought remembering the times you’ve been to the beach together.  

Well it was maybe the fact that you were clinging onto him because u stumbled into him and he was closest stable thing around and you wouldn’t let go because it was cold and you couldn’t stop shaking.

 He ignores his thoughts and grabs the shirt he got out figuring you don’t need to change your bra because you told him and Makki that it was normal to keep it on for a few days after they were in awe as you were explaining how expensive they were. You calling Oikawa’s girlfriend to prove your point as she immediately agreed with you…Sometimes you might have got a little too comfortable with them.

You hear the song in the background change to Love Songs, you humming along, “Hope you smile when you listen.”

You were still holding on to him, your boobs squeezing against him, him only being able to put a t-shirt on you, while you looked up at him with your red glossy eyes making him burn up.  

You fidget timidly with your face now in his chest while gripping his sweater. Trying to build up the little courage you had. He tilts your head up making you look at him, wondering what you were thinking about.

  You try to express yourself, but you can’t get the words out him having no idea what is going on in your head at the moment.

“It’s okay to be nervous sometimes. Tell me” He gently says reading your body language. He was intuitive, so there was no way you could hide your feelings from him.

But you knew you could trust him, him having full self-control, always staying collected and following through on what he said he’d do.  He went out of his way to avoid any friction coming between you two, him never raising his voice or starting an argument.

“We need to talk.” You started. “About something important.”

“Ok…What is it?” He questioned rubbing his hands on your back. You were so nervous, were you really about to say this? Confess your feelings that you’ve pushed to the back of your heart for so long?

“I… I l… I love your face. And the stuff in it. and around it.” You spoke, being surprised you did it stutter.

He stood there, hands stopped moving trying to process what you just said.

“Just you, in general…”  You finally confess trying to state three things at once barely getting your words out.

But he understood exactly what you meant, or maybe he was warping what you said to fit what he wanted.

  "I don’t even know when I started liking you, but this shit won't go away." You restated

  Nope. He clearly just heard you say that.

  He doesn’t understand what’s so different about today. Yall have been in this scenario multiple times taking care of each other, sometimes including another into the mix.  

You didn’t understand either. You just felt like the time was right, even though you know it wasn’t the best idea to confess while you were drunk off your ass.

But you couldn’t help it, your feelings overflowing, which you never until this day let get the best of you, being vulnerable and trusting is not your usual . Youve never even had a crush on anyone, him being to only in your whole life to make you blush.

  Who you been vibin' wit and why I can't make you mine?

  You should have seen the signs that you feel for him when he helped that lady that lives down the street from him set up her Christmas lights or when he first met your dog that wasn’t fond of men, but it instantly liked him. And you loved his selflessness it was something you admired and applauded.

  “y/n” He tries talking you down, making sure you weren’t just saying this because of alcohol, deep down knowing he felt the same, you always being in the back of his mind.

You were generous with your time too, always being there for him. You knew he was softer than he appeared, he was tender, sensitive and vulnerable. He tried his hardest to not get into situations where anyone would get hurt, like breakups, arguments, and so on.

Which is why he won’t make the first move. He pushes his feelings to the back of his head. He values your friendship more than anything, but he can see what develops. If love is meant to be, it will happen.

I told you I am down for the worse or the better. But I keep sticking to you cause them four stupid letters

    “You make me so happy. And I’ll always care about you. Okay? He says breaking the silence, trying to reassure you.  

  “You mean so much to me—something I can’t even put into words because nothing can compare- I’ve wanted you since that day you tripped and bust your ass in the school hallway I still want you even though you drive me insane.”

  “Iss-“ You tried to get out only to have him continue talking over you.

  "I love that you can’t leave the house without a jacket. I love the wrinkles that appear on your forehead after you call me crazy. I love that it takes you hours to get ready. I love that you always know how to make me feel better. I love that even when you don’t agree with my decisions you always trust me to make them.  I love that when I spend a day with you, I can still smell you on my clothes; and I love that you are the last person I think of  before I go to sleep at night."

  You stood there awestruck for what feels like eternity until you mustered the bravery to speak “I didn’t expect you to feel the same way-” You said, being dumbfounded because from what you’ve seen treats everyone “nice”, were you really getting special treatment?

  He tilts your chin up, locking his dark eyes with yours. “Baby I don’t know if your notice but you and Makki are my only people that aren’t my family that call me my first name.”

He has a point. You think pushing yourself more into him, trying to fuse your bodies together to hide, not relaxing what you were doing to him. He tries to nudge your legs to the side but you won’t let go still clinging onto him.

“fuck” He groans. You pulling back wondering why until you looked down and noticed. A smirk appeared on your face as you reattached your self to him like velcro. You were feeling bold, the liquid courage still in your system driving you to slide your fingers down his chest, looking him in the eyes before stopping at his waistband.  

He knows what you’re doing, him being in this position multiple times. Does he really want to ruin your friendship like this? He hasn’t even asked you to be his girlfriend. He tries to push you off him already knowing you were gonna complain. But what he didn’t expect was for you to whimper out his name in that pretty voice of yours.

 He tried to keep his calm, blood already rushing down. “You know what you’re doing”

“yeah” You start.

“y’don’t want me?” Giving him your pouty face that you know he’s weak for, hoping that’ll work, insecurity piling up. Was it because your boobs weren’t that big or that fact that you were dressed like man? Was he not attracted to you right now, only liking you when you were dolled up?

“Fuck” You think. You should have worn something cute instead of dressing like a whole ass man even with your makeup fully done. Its not like you were supposed to know you were gonna get fucked today.

His were burning holes into you now, thinking of how to say “No, I would be more that happy to fuck you!” to his best friend, soon regaining his consciousness finally speaking.

“Fuck no doll, ive wanted you for a minute. You know me better than I know myself. How did you not notice my feelings?”

 You got me singing love songs, love songs, love songs

“You’re really hard to read” You replied trying to maintain your seductive act, resting your hands back on his chest.

“So are you.” He said lowering his head, you still looking up at him, taking in your gleaming eyes.

Sex ain't the only thing that's on my mind But you get me so excited, whoa

Your heart was beating so wildly that you could only take little sips of breath. His hands running down your waist stopping at your hips.

“Can I kiss you?" He asks "...yeah” you attempted to say as confidently as you could, nodding your head along with it.

His face bent down, hot mouth breathing over you. His lips slowly moved, brushing over yours, the liquor on his lips that you hated; only choosing fruity drinks even though you got relentlessly teased you for it.  You pushed further into the kiss desperately wanting more. Your teeth clicking his from being impatient, wanting to suck him in. Your hands sliding under his shirt subconscious desires reaching out.

Irreplaceable Tattoos from your neck that drop down to your ankles

“You’re drunk…” he says snapping you out of your trance.

“So are you.”

He dove in for another kiss much more passionate than the previous one, arguably needy, pusing you on the bed to which you more than happily comply. He tugs back not letting his mind get the best of him, disconnecting your spit trial leaving you panting. “You sure this alright?” He says deep down hoping you still say yes.

  You pull him back for your answer, your grabby little hands working their way back up his shirt. He gets the hint and pauses your lips rendezvous, taking off the turtleneck that he looked oh so good in, before seeing his unclothed body.  You’re admiring his body in a new way, before just complimenting him whenever he got a new tattoo, now up under him tracing them like a lovestruck teenager.

“When did you get this one?” You quietly ask, his ears closer to you than they’ve ever been.

“I got it that day you faked sick”

“What! You said were gonna take me!” You sulked, turning your head away from his as much as you could, crossing your arms.

He let out a slight laugh before gently taking your face in his hands, guiding you back into the kiss.

This is not really what he imagined for your first time. He’s an old-fashioned romantic who likes to take one step at a time. But then again nothing was ever normal with you. That said, when he falls in love, he falls deep.

“You’ve done this before?” You uttered.

“Hmm?” He mumbles, unmoving his lips from you kissing you, moving towards your neck.

“You still with that other girl?”

“No. I broke it off her, everything that came out of her mouth was bullshit, and no she wasn’t my girlfriend.”

“You didn’t trust her? You added. Trying to distract him until you could think of a way you could say “hey in my 21 years of life I’ve never got passed kissing a guy.”

“Our relationship was purely built on lies, I’d second guess everything she said. He replied, wondering if you were interrogating him.

“Why’d you wanna know?” He asked bringing his face up from your skin.

“…No one’s ever touched me like this, fuck.” You bashfully admitted, thoughts racing through your head that he didn’t want you anymore because you weren’t experienced.

But he knew what was running through that pretty head of yours, his fingers reaching out to with your hair trying to comfort you.

“You’re a virgin?” He curiously asked dragging his hand to your cheek, you leaning into it.

“y-yeah” you muttered trying to move your eyes away from his looking down at his body.

“I thought you had a boyfriend before” he said, softly turning your jaw to make you look at him. Your eyes diverted from his arms back to his eyes.

“We weren’t actually dating” You quickly say trying to clear up the misunderstanding. “He was my friend and seatmate that pretended to be my fake boyfriend to get me out of some trouble” you spewed out “and I guess I forgot to tell everyone that it was fake.”

“Even if we were that doesn’t mean we fucked.” You sheepishly replied.

“So… what trouble did your fake boyfriend get you out of.” He questioned knowing how much trouble it must have been for you, miss independent, to go to such lengths.

“Umm, well…this guy wouldn’t stop flirting with me even after I told him I don’t like him, even following me to my other classes.”

He wasn’t surprised, you were definitely a sight for sore eyes, in fact the prettiest thing he’s laid his eyes on, your beaming eyes, your dimple when you smiled, your pretty face, your “ugly” laugh, he could go on for days.

“Why are we talking about this” You whined, reaching your hand back out to him.

He took a hint and continued kissing you, bringing you closer to him while you attempted to take you shirt off. His hands helping you seeing as that you were struggling, being lost in his touch, finishing by moving you up more on you bed, pushing your plushies out of the way, to your protested because “they had feelings too.”

He ignored you, bending down to pull your panties off stopping once he saw the slick coming through them.

“Fuck baby you’re wet” He breathed dragging his fingers across your clothed slit earing a whimper from you, leaving his fingers drenched.

 Shawty, you wanna feel good, I wanna feel good too Don't I make you feel good?

“M’always wet.” you responded.

From what? He questions taking off your soaked cotton panties, tossing them to the side.

“From me?” He smirks bringing his hand back towards your heat. You not even comprehending what he just said, just knowing that you’re ashamed of how worked up you were getting.

You were in awe. You’ve always known his hands were big, but in this situation your mind wondered. His fingers were so much bigger than yours knowing you can barely fit two inside your with out it hurting, and not in a good way.

“Do you know how pretty you are? It’s honestly distracting.”. He says kissing down your whole body, stopping at your breasts, licking lazily around and coming back to the nub. The attention on your nipples making you squirm and he finally lets go, you grateful that he stopped or you would have almost cum, how embarrassing.

“I thought you said were gonna get them pierced” He remembered, you going on a whole rant about how cute they were.

“You said u were gnna get em with me” You looked back on, reminding yourself making him promise to get them with you because you were too scared of the pain.

“That was the same day you played sick and I got that tattoo.” He stated lightening the mood, hoping you can calm yourself down before you actually embarrass yourself.

He picks back up and continues kissing all the way down your body, you playing with his hair while biting your lip to muffle your moans and whine until he reaches your entrance.

He parted your legs, your pussy laid out before him, believing you no have reason to be shy about it either. He paused, admiring your swollen cunt and puffy clit, you were beautiful.

The feeling that he didn't want anyone else ever in his position overtook him. He let out a little breath on your clit and you thrashed around. He wasn't going to play. “I’ll take care of you.”

His lips travel over your skin, light and heated before settling himself between your legs, grabbing you by your thighs and dragging you closer. “That tickles.” you giggle, nerves making you kick your legs, almost hitting him in the face before he grabs them. He puts them down locking your legs with his arms, lowering himself until he’s on the ground facing you.

“Does it make you nervous when I stare?” he teases while your covering your face trying to hide the blush he caused.  He puts his mouth on you, quickly gripping your thighs, his hands leaving imprints in your skin dragging you even more into him, deprived kisses taking over your body. 

“yer so pretty” You purred seeing the sight of his big build between your legs, your fingers grabbing onto his curly dark locks, tugging them.

  Issei moans, his voice radiating through your body, forcing out a cry, blessing him with your pretty voice. “I-Issei!” You cry, never feeling like this before, your vibrator and hands doing it no justice.

“Shh, just look at me, doll.”

You can barely make out what he says, so drunk on pleasure. You try your best, doing anything to see the pretty man beneath you. But you get interrupted by your pleasure, your back arching not being able to control your body, grinding down to meet his lips, heat rising in you.

He kisses through your wetness playing with your bud. You choking on your spit, back arching again your body tensing up. “Issei,” You beg, grabbing him knowing what you want but not being able to express it. Luckily he can read you like an open book, knowing what you want, driving you over the edge as he makes you see stars. “Good girl,” he sighs when he feels you let go of his wrist letting him bring you your first orgasm.

“Look at your thighs shaking so much.” He teasingly cooed, wrapping his hands around them, bringing you out of your daze.

Shawty, your body is so exciting

Arching your back into the blankets, letting out a whine “Want your fingers.”.

He lets out a condescending laugh. “You need to learn to be patient. You just came and you’re already so eager for more?”

But by the time he finished your body went limp, you were totally weak, body loose-limbed and pliant. Your mind clouded by lust and deep in your own world. You gasped out a little sob, unable to comprehend anything beyond the discomfort and the need to have it gone. You can’t think straight all you can do is take action, grabbing his arm him easing his fingers into to you.

It’s not too tight, is it?” you ask clenching around his fingers.

 “Just relax… let yourself feel it” He says barely being able to move in you. Fuck so were so tight.

“I love the way you look with my fingers inside you.” He added starting to thrust them inside you, making you let out a string of moans.

“Look how good you take it.”  

“Fuck, you’re so messy.” He groaned feeling the slick running down his hands, before taking them out.

“Issei-i,” You cried when he pulled away, pleasure leaving you, tears coming back.

  He shushes you easily, his fingers wiping your tears. You were so precious to him, your moans music to his ears.  He slows down repositioning his fingers, making you let out a whimper squeezing around them. Your brains so crowded you can’t focus, can’t gather the strength to speak when he thrust them faster inside you.

  Your eyes rolled to the back of your head as you fell back, fingers curling inside you, chanting his name over and over, incoherent words coming out of your mouth begging for more. 

You pussy tightens as you cum, unable to breath, letting out gasps and whines. Him still fucking you, fingers not stopping, pushing them in and out relentlessly feeling both pain and pleasure. You lay there, wet in your own cum not giving yourself a break before you went and got what you really wanted, his cock.

His eyes followed the movement of your hands as they pushed down his boxers, revealing the length of his cock, that jutted proudly from his hips. He was so pretty, so virile and handsome. Wondering how lucky you were to be in such a position with him.

You pushed away those thoughts and focused on him, pulling him forward gently, but he followed his encouragement. One of his hands tilted his cock down toward your lips. “Open your mouth for me, baby.”

You parted them instantly, tongue sliding slightly outward, and then you whimpered as the warm weight of his cock slid into your mouth. You let your eyes flutter closed and swirled your tongue around the tip of his cock not knowing exactly what you were doing, but it was working, tasting the salty tang of the precum that wept from his leaking slit. You moved your tongue as the he put his hand into your hair, gripping the strands and pushing deeper into his mouth.

“You look so good on your knees like that. “He says meeting your eyes once again, almost cumming from the picture below him.

“Slowly, baby, I’m not going anywhere.” He says slowing you down by grabbing your hair, making a pace that you follow.

“Yeah, that’s it, baby, just like that.” Seeing that sinful look in your eyes with your redden swollen lips.

You moan feeling yourself drip down your thighs, getting even wetter giving him head. Trying to ease the discomfort by closing your legs, griding them together, trying to find some friction. Your ears hearing “That’s so fucking hot.” watching the scene unfold beneath him.

Your jaw hurts, trying got make him cum faster using your hands and lips together hollowing your cheeks. “Oh fuck, oh, Jesus, fuck yes, there, just like that, fucking Christ" he groans out, his voice sounded beautiful to your ears, knowing he was about to cum.

He finally lets go cumming in your mouth, you swallowing it all, trying not to wince at the taste. “Did I do good” You ask waiting for his reply. Your doll eyes, so red and worn out looking up at him for approval. Fuck he was whipped.

“Yeah…fuck baby”

I love when you get on top and you ride it

You get back under him, his cock resting on you, drenched and clenching around nothing, resting in your cum. You working yourself up against him.

“What makes you think I’m going to fuck you?” He says to your complaint.

“You’re not ready yet.” he mumbles against your whining. Spreading your legs, slapping your clit a few times before letting his cock rest on your folds. Finally getting “seated” he picks up your legs and puts them both on one of his shoulders your thighs warming his cock, your knees touching his cheek not moving, getting a kick out of how desperate your were for him.

“s-stop being mean” You cried reaching out for him to come closer, needing affection after all you’ve been though.

“Aww, poor baby, you want me to take care of it for you? He says leaning into you, reaching your kiss, tasting the remnants of the cum in your mouth.

He plundered your mouth and slowly teased his cock over your entrance, catching it against your clit and making you whimper into the kiss, clearly wanting to be fucked. Your kiss turned you sucking on Issei’s tongue and lips, biting the swollen pout until his lips were red and puffy. He pulled back and looked down at you, a beautiful mess under him.

His fat cock head pushed between your folds. The moan escaping both of your lips was primal. You were turned on beyond imagination and the way he was thrusting forward, spreading his leaking precum on your wet clit was almost too much. He quickly picked up his pace fucking your folds, his warm head brushing against your clit with every movement, but your greedy self wanted more.

The fact that he made you cum so easily made you proud. Just because you’ve never gone this far with someone else doesn’t mean you’ve never cum, you’ve had a lot of practice over the years, being insatiable, the sheets soaked underneath you from your previous orgasms being proof.

“Keep your eyes open, look at me, baby.” He moans getting your attention him.

You tried, you really tried, but the way he was stroking you, imagining what it’d be like to actually sit on his cock, the lewd sounds echoing in the background leaving you unable to focus.

He taps on your cheek eventually getting you look at him, keeping your mind on him by placing his fingers in your mouth you letting him, hazily sucking on them, not being able to close your mouth.

“Oh, baby, you’re drooling everywhere.” He grumbles. Your spit dripping onto his fingers, the friction of your thighs making him feral, moving at an even faster pace. Your body bouncing with every thrust.

“You gonna cum after I cum on your little clit? Come one more time for me, I know you’ve got it in you.” You sob feeling the puddle beneath you, time slowing, fire pooling in your tummy.  Listening to his words you let yourself go. You come with a silent scream as the pleasure ripped through your body, your nails scratching his soft skin. Your vison fading to black feeling him lose his rhythm and moaning a mixture of curse words along with your name, feeling him cum on your tummy before resting his head in your neck while letting your legs go.

“So good for me, look at how much you came.” He says breaking the static. You whining into his shoulder, emotions high, never doing this before.

“I know, baby, I know. I’m right here, just breathe.” He says. You two laying in silence for an unclear amount of time, him rubbing your back while you rest in his chest almost dozing off.

“Are we still…friends?” You croak out trying to hold back your sobs already knowing the answer that you two were defiantly not friends now and never would be just friends again.

“Friends don’t do this type of shit” He maintained grabbing your shoulders to sit you and him up. You were worried, did he only do this with you because he was drunk? You were anxious that you scared him away because you just poured your heart out to him and pushed yourself on him. You left your head down, tears already coming out to your dismay. You moved your hand up to wipe them but he beat you to it.

“Look at me… I love you.” He says holding your cheeks in his palm. You in awe, hoping that you weren’t imagining it, that this was real life.

“R-really” You question making him worry too, preferring to forgive and forget rather than letting this a divide between the two of you in case you went back on your feelings. You were so overwhelmed, never feeling love until this moment, so happy that the person you longed for liked you back. Yours tears running once again.

 “Shh, shh, it’s alright...Don’t cry.”

You don’t even know why you were crying, the hangover already getting to you making you get a headache. You groaning in his arms complaining that your head and throat hurt.

“Ill be back” he says detaching himself from you, letting you know he was coming right back.

He walks to your fridge opening it to see every drink but water, having too dig through all of them, especially the absurd amount of apple juice guessing it was your “once a year craving for it”. He finally got you some cold water, putting It in a cup and waked back to your room.

  “Issei” you whined not picking your head up from the pillow.

  “Shh baby im right here.”

  He sat down beside you on your bed lifting your head up. “Here drink this” he reassured, to which you ignored not wanting anything to go in your mouth, just wanting the day, or night as it was now, to end.

  “It’s just water, honey, look.” You sat yourself up with his help seeing him in just his boxers, you remembering your still naked, not caring enough to cover yourself. He held to glass to your mouth, babying you, tilting it far back enough to where you could drink it. The water hit the back of your mouth feeling like a shot making you cough.

“I know, it hurts. I’m sorry but we have to” He stated. You continued to drink it, feeling the stinging in the back of your throat, him comforting you, calling you “good girl” which was unsurprisingly working.

  He put the cup on your dresser when you finished, climbing back into bed with you leaning your body into his. “Have you ever thought about...us? Y’know, as an...item?” he said causing you to look at him with wide eyes.

 “Call me selfish, but I don’t ever want anyone else to touch you.” He insisted making you cheeks flush. You try to think of a way to respond, not wanting to keep him waiting.

“You’re the best thing that has, and ever will, happen to me. Not only am I deeply in love with you, you’re my best friend.” You stammer out, your shaky hands somehow made there way to his neck, letting them fall slowly before he grabs them dragging you in for a kiss before you got to even see his face.

“Everybody has always thought we’re a couple.” He continued taking his time kissing you all over your face. “Then I guess we should be.” You retort, kissing him back before you could see his reaction, not wanted to be embarrassed anymore today. But he caught you, holding you still “Really “y/n? Like deadass?” He asked.

  “Yes dummy, I want to be your girlfriend” You say causing him to grin swearing you’ve never seen him smile that big, before he gives you one last kiss.

  “I always kiss you on the cheek, why are you blushing now? He teases laying back down, you following along. You just snuggle into him mumbling something along the lines of “m’tired”, he understanding and speaking to you in a soft, gentle voice while helping you to bed, so he doesn’t make it harder for you to sleep by being loud. “I’m here love, I’m not going anywhere.” He whispers into your ear mkanig your heart swoon one last time before you pass out.

  “I l-love you issei.” You sleepily mumble.

“Tell me this when you’re sober.” He says stroking your head.

“Just relax, close your eyes...”He murmurs, your heart beating slower every second. Both of you together, lazy, slow presses. Limbs pressed together, chests heaving, fingers trailing down backs, tracing lazy patterns.

  “Oh!…” He remembers. “If you really wanna get them pierced, we could get matching ones.”

© all content belongs to spikesbimbo. do not alter or repost .

[yesimwriting]

Crossing lines

General Kirigan/the darkling x reader

Summary: This was requested by my friend @vvsdiamond28 who also writes and has a really good kirigan x reader story up right now! The request was basically for a fic in which the reader is out wandering at night and runs into kirigan while he’s in the banya and then they get to talking and some other stuff before he admits to only trusting the reader and giving her his real name. This gets kinda steamy bc of the request and bc the story called for it lol but it’s not full smut bc i decided that it would be better to do that as a part 2 so that i could add some jealousy tension haha

a/n i think im back?? Ive been working on requests a lot and ive really enjoyed writing regularly again. A small side note, after rewatching revenge of the sith im kinda in the mood to try writing an anakin fic 😭 pls he was my OG fictional crush,, so either send help or a request for him or something, Anyways,, back to this fic--ahh i had fun writing it but i still feel awkward writing steamier stuff so be nice!! 

-- 

Those that wander in the night, lost in uneasy thought--there’s probably a lot that can be said about them. But I can’t think of anything to be said about me. Nothing good comes from walking around a place full of powerful and tense people in the middle of the night. It wouldn’t take much effort to interpret my actions as suspicious, and yet I continue forward. I’m an idiot--just because I can’t sleep doesn’t mean I have to wander around campgrounds. My presence is barely tolerated here, I shouldn’t try backstroking in waters I can barely tread. 

But still, I walk, eyes more fixated on the open night sky than anything else. The moon is as full as an overflowing glass, the stars twinkling as if desperate to compete with a light it will never be able to duplicate. I sigh, pressing my lips together. Maybe the stars and I have more in common than I thought. Normally, that would be a good thing. 

Letting out a weary breath, I continue forward, away from the relative safety of the main tents. I’m still on the grounds, I’m approaching the border where the tents of higher ranking officials are. That should make me more nervous, but if anything it almost eases me slightly. 

General Kirigan is not the type to be friendly, and yet our interactions have always been laced with a touch of intimacy I can’t quite explain. We’ve been alone together more and more frequently, and I think that’s how I like him best. It’s strange, but when we’re alone some of his sharpness dulls, leaving space for something I might consider humor or actual personality on anyone else. He probably speaks to many girls like that when they’re alone together--a fact I have to fight to remind myself of--but it’s the closest thing to friendship I have here. Maybe it’s foolish to hold onto that, but I can’t bring myself to release my grip on those sentiments. At least not yet, when the kind moments are still rare and fleeting and no line has been crossed. 

The danger, however, comes from the prospect of not recognizing lines before they’re crossed. Even now, as I walk aimlessly in the night, pacing in hopes of exhausting my thoughts, I’m crossing lines in a much more literal way and even these are ill defined. I must be in new territory now, and even that I can only vaguely recognize because of the strangely humid scent that surrounds this area of the grounds. 

I’m near the banya. I didn’t intend to wander here, but the thought of splashing water on my face is too tempting to pass up on. I move closer, finding a sense of peace in having some direction, even in a small way. 

When the promise of water is only steps away, I begin to regret everything. There’s a figure in the bath. I freeze, ready to attempt to shrink away in hopes of disappearing before I’m caught. This could easily turn extremely awkward even though I technically haven’t done anything. Most people don’t bathe at this hour. Who bathes this late at night? 

I keep my eyes on the individual, trying to make out who they are and how aware they are of their surroundings in the dim light. Pale skin, dark hair--unbelievably attractive torso. My eyes linger there longer than they should. I force my gaze upwards, towards their face as if that can erase my ogling. Embarrassment leaves my face burning--I’m not the ‘ogling’ type, and this person doesn’t even know I’m here. I keep my eyes on them as I step back, taking in unaware features as best I can in the dark. 

I know them--I--Saints, it’s Kirigan. 

Fantastic. Of course he has to be even more impossibly attractive while shirtless and wet. I turn my head upwards sharply, more desperate to not be caught than ever. I would never, ever recover from being caught. Whether he’d tease me or be angry with me, I don’t know. I also don’t know which option I’d prefer. 

I step back again, my gait wider due to my urgency. Snap. The sound of both a twig and my chance of a stealthy escape being shattered. I cringe, craning my neck to the left in a desperate attempt to make it clear that I wasn’t watching him. I take another desperate step, ready to duck behind a nearby tree. Maybe he hasn’t seen me--maybe he’s distracted and assumed that some kind of rabbit or something passed by. He may not actively dislike me, but I’m not sure any semblance of favor he may have for me extends to this situation.

“Y/n.” His tone reveals nothing but his level of certainty. Ignoring him will only make me seem guilty. 

I pause, keeping my gaze off of him. “Yes.” It wasn’t really a question, and yet I still answer it like one. “I was--I couldn’t sleep so I thought I’d get some air, and I was walking kind of aimlessly and I ended up here and I didn’t think anyone would be here.” Why do I feel like I’m making this situation worse? “I’m sorry--I’m gonna--I’m going to go now.” This is the kind of embarrassing moment that will come back to me when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. I know it.

“You know the polite thing to do after intruding is to make eye contact.” 

I don’t think my face has ever felt this warm before. At least he doesn’t sound angry, but his voice doesn’t reveal that much. I raise my gaze carefully, turning my head slowly. “I didn’t mean,” I exhale slowly, “It wasn’t my intention to intrude.” 

He straightens slightly at my words, exposing more of his chest. I stay still, eyes trained on his to avoid an accidental lapse. “You could make it up to me by offering conversation.” Kirigan’s tone is deliberate, his words measured and calm. I don’t speak, feeling like I’m being presented a test I don’t understand, but most of our conversations leave me feeling like that. “Only if you’re comfortable.” 

And just like that, I’m backed into a corner. A challenge. To deny him now would be to expose the effect he has on me. My chin raises a fraction of an inch as I take in that assured half-smirk. “Why wouldn’t I be comfortable?” 

Kirigan arches a dark brow, assessing my response. “Then sit,” his voice has not changed, “You want air and I want company.” 

I don’t think anyone that looks as good as he does shirtless has ever had trouble finding company, especially with the smooth way he speaks. Despite this, I step forward to accept his challenge without calling him out on his coyness. Each step is the crossing of another invisible line until I’m near the water’s edge. I make sure to keep my nightgown at a respectable length as I sit down. 

I make a point of extending my legs towards the water while leaning back so that I can’t be easily accused of being a coward. “I feel the need to warn you that I might not make particularly interesting company.”

He angles his head to the side slightly, drawing attention to his jawline and neck. I force my stare to focus on the water. “I’ve never found you uninteresting.” 

There’s something resigned in the way he says this. On instinct, I look up, taking in the slight softening of his features. The release of his usual sternness only adds to his beauty, a fact that I’m already resenting. 

“You may be the only one.” It’s not meant to be a deprecating comment, but I’m not sure my partial laugh softens my bitterness. I hope it does--I’d rather his interest than the interest of my entire unit. 

Kirigan shifts forward, the water moving with him. “Do you think that any coldness you’re experiencing has to do with you?” 

The question has me drawing my eyebrows together. What else could it be? I shrug, “I’ve considered it.” 

He nods once, eyes hardening slightly. “Do you always have trouble sleeping?” 

The personalness of the question shouldn’t surprise me as much as it does. Kirigan seems to only understand boundaries when he’s the one setting them. “Not really.” A partial lie--this time I’m glad I can’t quite bring myself to look at him. “It’s not uncommon for me, but it’s not something I deal with every night.” 

I risk shifting my eyeline when I hear the sound of water moving. Kirigan’s now resting an arm on the rim of the pool, wet skin dangerously close to my ankle and lower calf. “It’s not always easy,” his voice is low now, “Being alone with your thoughts.” 

That’s not the kind of reply I’d expect from him. I blink twice before turning to study his expression. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him seem so tired--so weary and human and in need of something. The line between his eyebrows and the far off quality of his eyes leave me with the strong desire to give whatever it is he needs to him. The urge to reach out, to touch him in hopes of breaking him free from his odd trance leaves my stomach knotted. That line is too clear to cross so recklessly.

I need to chase away the serious atmosphere he’s created. “Is that why you bathe so late at night?” I let myself smile, “To avoid thoughts?” 

“I like the peace of it.” Something akin to amusement touches his words. “And for the record, little dove,” the nickname is pointed and earns him an eyeroll, “The warm water doesn’t exactly chase away thoughts so much as encourages others.” He pauses. “You understand, considering you can barely look at me.”

This is the most embarrassing thing to have ever happened. The suggestive jilt to his words has to be intentional. Damn him. I turn my head, forcing myself to meet his gaze. “I can look at you just fine.” 

“And if I were a Heartrender and could hear your heartbeat your pulse would be normal?” The question is teasing, a small smile pulling at his lips. 

The warmth in my face increases, spreading down my neck. Kirigan’s expression remains smug. “You’re not as funny as you think you are.” 

“No?” He leans forward, angling his head so close to me I can faintly feel the warmth of his breath on my lower calf. “I find myself amusing.” 

At least being around him like this is getting easier. I open my mouth, ready to provide some sarcastic comment I haven’t thought out yet. My mouth clamps shut on instinct when I feel his touch on my ankle. The faint contact quickly grows, his fingers brushing up my ankle and calf, leaving drops of cool water across my skin.

“What are you doing?” That’s a--a fair question, right? I’m not sure, rational thought slipping from me more and more with each passing second. 

“Nothing, really,” his reply is quick. “Nervous?” 

There is no way he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I roll my eyes, fighting against my instinctual fluster. “No,” a full lie, “You’re just getting me wet.” 

“Barely.” When he’s not busy being brooding he’s not much better than an irritating child. He retracts his hand slowly, fingers grazing my skin slowly as he submerges his hand beneath the water. The loss of contact should feel like a victory. It doesn’t. “Y/n,” he shifts closer, back straightening.

There’s an odd seriousness to his demeanor that almost leaves me reeling. “Yes?” 

He beckons me forward. I hesitate, but comply, letting myself shift closer to the water’s edge. Kirgan’s lips part, but no words leave him before he moves his arm, purposefully splashing water over my thighs and bottom of my nightgown. I let out an instinctively annoyed sound. “That is getting you wet.” 

“Kirigan!” My tone is as menacing as I can make it, but he continues to grin. There’s such a lightness to the look I almost forget to be annoyed. Almost. “I should tell the entire Second Army how much of a child you are.” 

My threat does nothing, his smile softening without fading. “They fear me too much for your stories to make a difference.” He says this flatly. “All of them except you.” 

I don’t know if I’m supposed to make something of that comment. A brief moment passes in which I think his eyes come close to softening. Maybe that’s a side effect of seeing the world as you want. Wait...what do I want? Him? No, no, I can’t. 

Okay, he’s objectively attractive and sometimes I think I may see more depth in him than he wants to be capable of. But that doesn’t mean I’m allowed to want anything with him. Even if he was trustworthy enough for me to be with him in any capacity...even casually, it could never happen. Nothing good could come from having relations with the highest ranked general and I doubt he’d ever want me like that. He likes to fluster people and I’m an easy target. I just accept it because being some level of entertainment to him is better than being nothing to everyone. 

“I don’t think there’s much point in fear.” It feels like a fair answer. The fairest answer I can manage, anyways. 

He sighs, the sound heavy. His hand stretches forward cautiously. I watch him and make no attempt to stop him from touching my lower calf. His fingers trace absentmindedly across the skin. “Of course you’d think that.” 

Again, I don’t know what to make of his words. Or his actions. He couldn’t find anything wrong with me just slightly adjusting my position. It’d be a polite way to remind us both of the natural order of things. But then again, someone like him is allowed to be mad about anything. And I’m not sure I want to remind us of our place. 

Actually, I’m completely sure that I want the opposite of that. But admitting that to myself is enough of a risk. I’ve already crossed thousands of tiny lines and what I want will require us to cross a thousand more. 

“I’m a little surprised you’re not reminding me how foolish a notion like that can be.” 

He lets out a tiny breath as he shifts even closer to me. “Maybe I’m enjoying your foolishness.” 

“I’m not sure if I should take that as a compliment or the opposite.” 

The slightest hint of a smile is visible to me beneath the moon’s glow. There’s something about darkness that adds beauty to things. I wait for him to reply, but instead of speaking his  hand moves further up my leg. I struggle to hide my reaction to his long fingers trailing up my skin.

He’s touched me before, sure. Tiny moments in which he’d push a strand of hair out of my face or wipe at a bit of dirt on my cheekbone. More recently, he had gripped my hip firmly to guide me through a crowd of soldiers. He had been in a hurry, stealing me from a conversation with the only member of my unit that’s been somewhat friendly to me. It wasn’t serious--he had just been rushing me because he only had a minute between meetings and apparently he had too long of a day to not take a moment to speak with me. 

“Are you alright, Dovey?” Normally, the nickname and all of its variations earns him an eyeroll. But everything is a lot less humorous with his hand half up my lower leg, leaving a trail of cool water wherever he touches. 

His fingers press more firmly into my skin. “Yes, I’m fine--it’s just late.” 

“Hm…” Kirigan breathes before tilting his head slightly. “You’re warm.” I stay silent as his hand shifts slightly. “Perhaps too warm.” 

If I’m hot that has absolutely nothing to do with fever. “I’m fine, General, I promise.” 

“Come closer,” he says, “It’ll take me no time to check.” 

...A little too convenient. My nightgown is still embarrassingly damp from the last time I eased tonight. “Please tell me you don’t find me that naive.” 

“Naive? No.” He lifts his hand slightly. “Warm? Yes.” I still don’t trust him. “I’m not going to do anything. I promise.” 

His eyes are dark and the limited lighting of the moon doesn’t offer me much in my analysis, but what I can see makes him seem genuine. “Why do I feel like that’s not the first time you’ve had to say that?” Despite my comment, I move towards him. 

The back of Kirigan’s palm is pressed to my forehead for less than a second. He brushes his hand down the side of my temple, rotating his wrist so that his fingertips can touch my cheek. His hand then continues to move down my jawline and then my neck...and then finally trails down my collarbone. I bite my tongue to avoid exhaling audibly at the contact. 

“Warm,” he concludes with a tsk, and yet he doesn’t withdraw his hand. “Though that could just have to do with the climate.” His thumb slips beneath the sleeve of my nightgown. “Perhaps you could benefit from joining me.” 

I bite my tongue to avoid letting out a surprised, embarrassingly enthusiastic squeak. I don’t know what’s gotten into him...maybe it’s the night air and the prospect of being fully alone. I should be strong enough to break whatever spell he’s starting to place on me. But I’m not. I’m really, really not. 

He pulls on the sleeve of my nightgown slightly. “I’m…” 

“Unless you’re nervous?” Another damn challenge. To shy away from this would be to expose myself. He tugs on the sleeve a little more assuredly, exposing my shoulder to the humid night. “Do I make you nervous?” 

His voice comes out a shallow rasp. I feel it straight in my core. “...Not more than you should.” 

“More than I should?” 

Ugh--too honest. I let myself get distracted. It shouldn’t be too difficult to explain what I meant. He knows he’s feared. He wants to be feared. “I’m sure we’re both aware that there are a fair amount of cautionary tales revolving around you.” 

His hand falls next to my lap. Oh? I didn’t expect to miss the contact between us so much. His expression seems to have fallen slightly as well. Was it my response to his question? It felt fair and straightforward without being too blunt. “And you believe every cautionary tale you hear?” 

There’s something stiff about the way he asks the question. His moodiness is making me miss his touchiness even more. At least then I didn’t have to feel like I made a mistake. Did I say something wrong? “Should I?”

“It depends on whether or not you plan on being brave.” 

“I told you...I don’t see much point in fear.” 

“And yet you’re still there.” A bit of humor returns to his voice. “Why is that?” 

Rolling my eyes, I shift forward, letting my legs dip into the water. This is as far as I should let this go. I’ve already lost too much more control. “Better?” He’s strangely tense again, a hint of something bitter playing at the smug look he tries for. “You alright?”

“Of course you’d ask me that.” He says this with a tired sigh. “You can never make things easy.” 

“I don’t understand.” 

He shifts backwards slightly. I can feel the distance between us like I’d feel a pebble in my shoe. “Do you believe all the stories about me?” 

Is he still bothered by that? “I didn’t mean it as literally as you’re taking it. All I meant is that people are intimidated by you, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s the way things have to be, you’re the only Shadow Summoner in existence and the army needs you to be intimidating so that they can act on your guidance.”

“The way things have to be,” he echoes, his voice strangely weighted. “There’s a specific kind of loneliness that comes with being feared by everyone.” 

Oh--I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him feel defeated like that. I reach for his hand without thinking, pulling his fingers towards my lap. “I don’t--I’m not scared of you.” It’s a weak attempt to comfort him, but it’s the only one I can think of. “That probably doesn’t mean anything, but I--” 

His hand turns in my lap, squeezing the exposed part of my thigh. “It means something.” Kirigan’s voice has hardened in a different way. “You’re the only person I’m certain of.” 

Everything in me seems to tighten at that. At the implication of something so personal from someone so closed off. “Kirigan, you don’t have to be as alone as you feel. You talk to me all the time and you do so in a way that makes it easy to forget the cautionary tales.” His hand moves further up my thigh. I fight as I try to remember our usual dynamic. “You’re the only one that talks to me like that.” 

“Have you ever considered that maybe the others refuse to take to you because of the favor I’ve shown you? The instinct to stay away from me is strong enough to extend to those around me.” Kirigan’s hand moves higher up my thigh. “To be near me is to involve solitude.” 

“I don’t care.” The answer leaves me too quickly. “Being near you is worth it.” 

He leans closer before resting his chin on my knee with no hesitation. “Careful, you don’t understand the line you tread.” Kirigan places his hand more firmly between my thighs. “Or perhaps you do...perhaps you know what you want to cross.” 

This time I can’t help the airy sigh that leaves me. Kirigan pushes against my thigh slightly, separating my legs. I feel his breath on my inner thigh before I know what’s going on. I can’t move, I can’t think, I can’t even breathe. That inability to do anything but feel my heart pound against my chest only worsens as I feel his lips press into the inside of my thigh. His lips trail up my skin before his teeth gently sink into the top of my thigh. 

“Is the line you want to cross?” He breathes the question so softly I feel like I’m being coddled. Everything in me feels too hot to think of any kind of coherent response. Kirigan uses his free hand to pull the fabric of my nightgown as high up my thighs as he can from his position below me. “Or maybe this is the line you want to cross?” Kirigan pulls me forward so suddenly I let out a tiny gasp. I’m not fully on the edge of the banya. “Or perhaps this one?” He kisses the skin of my inner thigh gently. Each time I exhale too loudly, his teeth graze my skin. He gets harsher with each passing second. “Lay down.” 

My body listens to him on instinct. How is this happening? How am I this powerless to fight against something that’s so clearly wrong? The sound of water shifting causes my entire body to tense. He’s pulled himself out of the water. Kirigan moves above me instantly, water dripping from his toned chest and dark hair and onto my still damp nightgown. 

Before I can speak, he’s on me completely, his lips pressing against my jaw. He kisses down my neck, his teeth grazing against my skin sporadically. He pulls away from me by tracing his tongue across my collar bone. I let out something dangerously close to a moan. “Such pretty, little sounds.” 

“Kirigan--” 

“The only name I want you to hear from your lips is the only name that I’ve not given myself. The only name that holds meaning to me.” 

His lips graze where my skin meets the hem of my now soaked through nightgown. I’m not sure the poor lighting is offering me enough coverage now. There’s no way the thin fabric leaves much to the imagination while being this wet. He kisses up my chest and neck until his lips reach the shell of my ear. 

“Aleksander.” The name is grace in the form of a breath so soft it’s more like I’m feeling the name than actually hearing it. 

He presses his lips against the spot on my neck directly beneath my ear. I exhale into the contact. “Aleksander.” As I test his true name on my tongue, his teeth dig into my skin much more harshly than before. 

I let out a partial squeak at the sudden shift in pace as his hands grip my waist. “Say it again. Say my name again.”

He traces his tongue gingerly over the skin he just aggravated with his teeth before I can speak. The soothing sensation is so much I can barely find my voice. “Aleksander.” 

His hand bunches the bottom of my nightgown, raising the fabric to my hips. “...Say it just like that.” Kirgan’s rough hand slips between the bone of my hip and the fabric of my hip. “Like I’m the only one that knows you like this.”

“Aleksander.” I breathe as he traces invisible patterns into my skin with his lips. “Aleksander.” Each use of his name earns me extra attention--a stronger hold on my hip, a more adamant nip at the base of my neck. I feel my need for him so heavily I swear it’s leaked into my bones. “Aleksander.”

When he pulls away, I fight the urge to whine. The night is still humid, but with the absence of his touch I feel like I’m shivering. He regards me silently for a long moment before shifting his weight again. I feel my heart stall in my chest as his hand softly brushes a strand of hair out of my face. He lets his hand linger there, at the apple of my cheek. The entire world seems to stall as he leans down, his hand cupping the side of my face as his mouth inches closer to mine. 

“I can feel the fluttering of your heart.” 

Any poor defense dies in my throat as his lips meet mine. He gives me no time to think about what’s happening as he presses into me even harder. Kirigan holds my face as his teeth graze against my bottom lip. My mouth opens slightly in surprise, giving him the opportunity he needs to slip his tongue into my mouth. His tongue slowly brushes against mine, coaxing me into total, delirious, compliance. When he starts to pull away, I react, my hands flying forward to grab his hair. He lets me get away with tugging him towards me, prolonging the kiss as he bites my bottom lip. 

One of his hands leaves my face and travels up the hands holding onto his hair. He pulls me off of him easily, pinning both of my wrists above my head with one hand. “Easy,” Kirigan warns, “You’ve been such a good girl, let’s not ruin it before we’ve started.” 

A tiny sigh leaves me. I can feel the pride he takes in that as his hand trails further down my body. His fingers ghost along the hem of my underwear teasingly. 

“Is someone there?” I’ve never damned the voice of a stranger more. 

Panic and dread roll in my stomach. I’m going to get caught like this, with my nightgown bunched at my hips beneath the General Kirigan. An unclothed, wet, General Kirigan. “I’m bathing.” 

Okay...good...Aleksander spoke. Anyone with common sense would run at the thought of invading on Kirgan’s privacy. It’s a good thing that the soldier had the sense to linger behind a thicket of bushes. “Pardon General, but there’s been a crucial development. A new strategy should be thought of as soon as possible.” 

No. No. The thought of losing contact so entirely, of having a moment that should have never happened be ripped from me before it’s even really happened is overwhelming. I feel my lips pull into a pout. Kirigan’s hand adjusts on me, his thumb pressing teasingly over where I’m neediest. I bite my tongue to avoid making an inappropriate noise. 

“Five minutes--I’ll be in the strategy tent in five minutes.” 

“I’ll tell the others, General.”

Great. I hear the stranger disappear, his feet crushing twigs and grass as he leaves us. Aleksander’s attention returns to me quickly. Disappointment swells in my chest as I take in the solemn look that crosses his features. His hand moves to my chin quickly before pulling me into another deep kiss. It’s too short lived. 

“I have to go.” 

Frowning, I lift my hand to trace my fingers up his arm. It’s softer than I should allow myself to be, but it doesn’t really matter anymore. Not when this is probably never going to happen again. “Do you?” I mumble to myself, half joking.

He sighs once, his thumb brushing against my cheek. “No pouting.” 

Now that whatever little bubble we were in has popped, I’m capable of normal feelings. Including shame. “I am n--” 

“Easy, little dove, I’ll remember all of this when I find you again.” 

This...this is going to happen again? “You’re going to find me?” 

“I haven’t yet heard your voice crack on my name as I undo you.” He punctuates the promise with a kiss to my jaw. “Again.” Another kiss. “And again.” Another brush of his lips as he finally pulls away. “And again.” 

My breath catches itself in my throat as he moves off of me entirely. Damn whatever change in the war that’s pulled him away from me so suddenly. I sit up as he stands. I’m not sure where to look now that he’s not in close enough proximity to cloud my thoughts. I should leave as he dresses, but I can’t quite bring myself to. It doesn’t feel safe, not when the man that interrupted us could reappear at any moment. Not when I want to hold onto his presence like this as long as possible. 

 He squeezes my shoulder warmly as he passes before bending down to press one more kiss next to where his hand is. 

“Soon,” he promises again. 

--

General taglist: @theincredibledeadlyviper, @grishaverse7 @benbarnes-supremacy  @tranquilitymoon @kaitlyn2907 @lunamyangel @christinawxxx @deceivedeer @real-mbappe @tonks33

[jeonfiles]

better left unsaid - jjk

genre: angst, rebounds

pairings: jungkook x reader (ft. namjoon)

warnings: arguing, alcohol, profanity, break ups, light smut, use of drugs, jungkook is a fucking dick, jungkook has major attachment issues, toxic relationships, oc cries a lot, namjoon has a heart of gold, unrequited love

synopsis: you knew you shouldnt have given him that second chance, not the third or the fourth either. no matter how much you try he always slithers his way underneath your sheets, arms wrapped around you.

word count: 2.7k

music: into your arms, so it ends?, you will fade, thinkin bout you, julia, my insecurities not yours, fuck u, goodluck, my dear i will think of you

note: uhh ive never written a y/n fic so bare with me, if u listen to the music you’ll be able to feel the story a lot more so yeah if u have time u should, not proof read

Light coming through the cracks of the blinds, making you squint your eyes when the daylight beams into your eyes, head resting on the kitchen island Looking up, you saw the clock ticking on the wall, 11:32 am.

You had stayed up till 5 am, waiting for him to come home, but seemingly, he never did. Reaching for your phone, you saw 4 missed calls from the one and only,

Jeon Jungkook, saved in your phone as “Koo <3″, Rows of messages too, all from the same contact.

Koo <3 [05:34 am]

baby pkck me up pleseee

im so wsated

Koo <3 [06.46am]

dont be mad at me jsut pick me up

i dont knw hewere the fuck i am

i love you

Koo <3 [07:31 am]

i got a rde home i’ll be home by 12

i need to talk to someone frsit

im sorry if i woke ypu dont be worried

You took a few moments to collect your thoughts, but there wasn’t much to collect. This whole thing, was a routine by now.

Standing up to make yourself a cup of coffee, you could literally not feel your own backside, you were so sore from the barstool you had been sitting on all night, and it made you groan in pain.

Two coffee cups right beside the kitchen sink, which you couldn’t bring yourself to clean up, because it was from the last time you had coffee together, which was 2 weeks ago.

The inside of the cup had a coffee crust at the top, and both your lip tint marks on the outside.

When you finish your cup of coffee while watching a bad telenovela, you go sit in your favorite chair and pull out a few books from the backpack hanging on the chair next to you, getting ready to get some studying done.

For a few seconds you imagine Jungkook hanging over your shoulder laughing at the way you write your A-s and R-s, or the way you always sign your homework at the bottom of the page.

And when you open them, there’s no one there. The only sound is from the refrigerator, making refrigerator noises.

You had met Jungkook 3 years ago, when you were at college orientation, senior year of high school. He also wanted to attend Yonsei, just like you.

And when he whispered to you about how bored he was, you couldn’t help but giggle, and then you got yelled at.

It was worth it though, because everyone was jealous of you afterwards,the  Jeon Jungkook had talked to you.

Jungkook was an all-rounder as they called it; great physique, intelligent, charismatic and great at sports.

And god, he had a beautiful face, and such a filthy mouth, and it didn’t go long before you gave in to his seductive ways and slept with him. The morning after, he wasn’t in bed with you, and your heart sank.

Luckily, he was in the kitchen making you breakfast.

It was all bliss from there, showering you with love, gifts and kisses for two years, and you even ended up moving in together.

And now? You barely remember what he sounds like, smells like and is like.

A distant memory, just as distant as him.

Your train of thought was suddenly interrupted as you heard 3 knocks on your door. The exact same way he had always knocked when he had forgotten (or lost) his keys.

And even though you should have let him suffer a little, you rushed to the door to open it, and in front of you, was your biggest nightmare.

It was your love, crying his eyes out, bleeding from one of many cuts on his face, looking nearly dead. He collapsed into your arms, and you could only utter a few words, along the lines of:

“How could you do this to us?”

As he was laying curled up in a ball on the couch, face plastered up, ice bag on his knee, wrapped up in a blanket, you realized. this was your que to cry.

So, you did. You cried in silence, sitting across the room from him. You weren’t mad at him for coming home late, or getting in another fight, probably the 5th just these past months, you had gotten used to that by now.

There was a whole other reason that made you cry.

He smelled like Victorias Secret Bombshell, you recognized the scent because it used to be your favorite,  however, now you’ve moved onto something less sweet, and more elegant, like Caroline Herrera.

He smelled like someone who wasn’t you, his girlfriend.

He smelled like another girl.

It didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would. Maybe because the Jungkook that had come home to you that morning wasn’t your Jungkook.

Your Jungkook was varsity jackets, star of the american football team (which your school was known for), selfless and humorous, and he would always take care of you.

Your Jungkook was not ungroomed hair, cigarettes and worsening grades. He was not cold and lifeless, and he would never make you cry.

Despite this, you were carding your fingers though his hair, thumb wiping away the blood on his lips while he was sound asleep as you slowly fell asleep next to him.

Maybe it was time to let him go. 

Maybe.

You woke a few hours later from your phone vibrating.

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:01 pm]

Hey Y/N! Have you started working on the statistics assignment?

If you haven’t, would you be interested in meeting at the library tomorrow? You’re really smart and i’m kinda struggling ://

You [07:03 pm]

i finished it yesterday, but if you buy me coffee i’ll come help you hehe

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:04 pm]

You’re the best, I’ll bring you a machiatto!! :D

Maybe it would be nice for you to get out of the house, even though you hate the thought of it, and you would much rather just swim in your own sorrow.

But you did go out the next day, and you helped Namjoon get a decent grade, enough to pass with good margines, he thanked you by taking you out for ramen at a convenial store not too far away.

You thanked him for the ramen with a trip to the museum, and he thanked you for the museum trip with a picnic in the park at night, which led you to crying over Jungkook in his embrace, telling him every single little detail.

He made you realize it was time to let Jungkook go and make room for new people to enter your life.

You went home that night, and you found Jungkook passed out on the couch, and you could genuienly feel your chest tighten. Soft features which stood out under the moonlight glow, disheveled brown locks which hung down in his eyes.

He was gorgeous, until you saw the credit card on the table next to three bottles of soju and an empty beer can on the floor. And you knew what he had used the credit card for, though you didn’t want to say it out loud.

You cleaned everything up, and you threw the residue of the white powder right in the trash can, and you recycled his bottles and cans before finally, nudging him to wake up.

“Jungkook, wake up.” You spat coldly, or at least you attempted to.

He groaned, rubbing his eyes before opening his eyes, and s huge smile on his face. “Y/N, you’re home!” He reached to kiss you, but you backed away.

“Y/N?” Jungkook questioned, he didn’t quite understand what your intentions were.

“Don’t try anything Jungkook. This was your last chance, and you fucked it up, again.” The room turned ice cold. “I’m getting you help Jungkook, you need help. And then...”

He understood what kind of help you meant, and since he had now sobered up, he agreed, nodding. “And then...?” 

“And then.” Your words were ludged in your throat. “And then I’m leaving you.”

His whole face dropped, smile turned into the frowniest frown you had ever seen, and it was all silent before his lower lip starts trembling, and his eyes start turning glassy.

“It’s alright. Sorry for burdening you.” Was all he could say before tears rushed down his cheeks, and he started shaking.

So you did what you always had done, and you wrapped your arms around him, head resting on your chest as he sobbed.

“Is there anyone else?” he cried out before another wave of sobs hit him.

This exact question made your stomach hurt, and your throat burn. You really had no idea.

Or you did, but you didn’t want to.

You loved Jungkook so much, but you couldn’t be with him in this state. So you did what every rational person would do in this situation.

“Yeah.”

You lied.

“Oh ok. I don’t have the right to be mad do I?”

You shake your head no.

“I love you Y/N. I’m sorry I’m so messed up.”

“It’s ok.” was all he said before he fell asleep in your arms again.

That night you slither your way out of his embrace and you pack your suitcase in the dark, bringing all your essentials, trying to be as quiet as possible so you didn’t wake Jungkook.

Packing enough for two weeks or so, you make the bed and leave your t-shirt “accidentally” in the bathroom, and you make sure all his clothes are folded, and then you sort his pencil case, throwing out old pens and worn out erasers.

You leave a grocery list on the counter, and you tuck him in good under the blankets after you took his jeans and socks off so he could sleep comfortably.

You placed his vitamins and medicine by the refrigerator so he’ll see it when he goes to grab something to eat. 

Puffed up pillows, a pair of sweatpants, t-shirt and underwear is now placed neatly on his bed. Then you walk into the kitchen again, and you see Jungkook still sound asleep, sniffling a little still.

There’s one last thing, and it makes you cry. It makes you sob so loud you cover your mouth and muffle the sound you make. Sinking to the floor, your whole body is in contact with the cold tiles.

Only a year ago you could never imagine yourself even shedding a single tear over something as small as this, but here you were, on the edge of a panic attack.

Two worn out, matching couple mugs still placed by the counter. one if the first things you two had bought together, as well as the necklace hanging around your neck.

Finally, you stopped crying and started cleaning the mugs, lip trembling as you dried them and placed them in the back of the cabinet.

You unhooked your necklace and laid it down on the counter, and the biggest lump formed in your throat.

Actually, there’s a little detail you forget. 

You kiss Jungkook on the forehead and leave a note on the coffee table.

“Dear Jungkook,

If you want to make this up to me (this does not mean a new chance!!) you call the number at the bottom of the page. No matter what happens, I’ll always have room for you in my heart. You even have your own little VIP lobby in there. And - if it’s urgent, call. I still care for you, and I always have. You were the best boyfriend I’ve had, but good things always come to and end, don’t they? Anyways, I’m tired so this letter fucking sucks, but deep down you know how much I love you. Remember to get groceries, shower, get fresh air and study. If I forgot something you can keep it, as long as you call the number and tell them you’re my friend. They’ll help you love. Try and get a part time job too, your student loan and your dad’s money won’t last forever. Good luck Koo. Hwaiting!!

-L/N Y/N <33″

You cringe when you think of the letter’s contents, before you roll out your suitcase out of the front door, whispering a faint “Goodnight Love.” as you close and lock the door behind you.

Standing by the elevator, you cry again. This time, louder, but you still reach for your phone and type out a text to the newly edited contact in your phone.

You [02:13 am]

coming outside now, im a crying mess and im super cold, is your car heated?

sorry for making you wait btw :((

Joonie <3 [02:13 am]

dont worry about the crying part, i’ll hold you. and yeah car is heated, so waiting here wasnt all that bad. you ready for this?

You  [02:14 am]

i have no idea but i cant stay here any longer and i trust you sooo

lets start our new chapter. eh?

4 months later...

He had been good to you, great even.

You had been on expensive dates, picnics, had heart to heart conversations, and he’d been so understanding.

Today, it was your 2 month anniversary, and he had asked you on a magnificent date, which he had planned every second of.

At the end of the day, you told him how you don’t love him. He said it was alright. Namjoon loved you, so much, yet he understood you needed time.

You went to sleep that day, warm in Namjoon’s embrace, wondering how Jungkook was doing. 

You felt bad, but you missed Jungkook.

You were both with someone new now, and you knew he was in good hands with someone stable enough to care for him.

Before your eyes closed shut, you shed a few quiet tears and hoped that you’d fall in love with Namjoon soon, and deep down you knew you would.

[zapsoda]

i think ive had a very different experience with religion compared to other people who went through a similar experience with it to me.

religion and belief fascinate me. in a good way. i support everyones right to their own faith. ive always been forced to see it from somewhat of an outsiders perspective though despite being raised pretty religiously in the deep south.

maybe its because my parents themselves werent very religious, but i was never able to truly believe. it never got through to me. i tried witchcraft and wiccan spirituality when i was over and while i felt i was getting closer to this faith, it still never stuck.

growing up, believing in god was the default.

i had this thing where, based on what other people around me did and how they treated me, i would think that it was actually true of myself. i convinced myself that my favorite color was pink, like it was a rule. everything i owned or wore should have been pink or else something was wrong. whenever asked, i would say my favorite color was pink. not once did i ever really think about whether or not i really liked the color pink. it was just my favorite color and therefore having things in it was good! it made me happy.

in the same way, i thought i believed in god. i didnt think about it much when i was very very little. i went to church. we played games and had snacks and heard bible stories.

when i got a little older things got a little more serious. we learned about the rules to get to heaven. the three things you needed to do, your abcs. and one of them was to believe. to believe that god was real, that jesus was his son, and that jesus died on the cross for our sins. and i thought, well of course i believe this. and for a while, i didnt think about this much more. if i said i believed, it must have been true. why wouldnt it have been true? it was a long while.

looking back, i dont think i ever truly believed. i think it was like the color pink. one had to believe, and so i did.

i remember many anecdotes where i questioned the little things religious teachers and media told me. the story of the rainbow perplexed me. if god made it than why did my teacher say it was made by sunlight shining through rain or something those lines. i didnt understand that what they meant was that god made that the result of sunlight and rain.

another example, i believe this was before the previous one chronologically, i was sitting in class. im not sure what made me think of it but i had the concept of jesus being is ones heart and listening to ones heart, and i didnt get it. i didnt hear anything in there. i didnt feel anything in there. was jesus not in my heart? i decided that he was there and i could feel it despite the evidence otherwise and moved on.

my final example: sitting in the car with my aunt and cousins on my mothers side, who were, in fact, very religious. we were close growing up, and i think they played a significant part in my religious journey. we were listening to some kids christian music album, i remember "big apple" being in the title, and i dont remember how it sounded at all but i do remember it saying, in shockingly literal words, that one should love god more than their parents. this was always implied, of course, god was the most important. but to really hear it spelled out like this shook me to my core. i remember hearing it and looking at my aunt thinking, could she really believe this? i waited for her to tell us that it was wrong. i dont remember if this really happened or not but i have this vision in my head of my cousins asking her about it and her affirming that it was true.

i didnt think i could love god more than my parents. i didnt put this into words at the time but god felt so far away from me, compared to my parents who felt so real. my parents raised me, loved me, and cared for me. god was this far off being, who i was told was all knowing, all powerful, and all loving, impossible to comprehend for a kid my age.

i found out my parents werent religious when i came home from sunday school the day i learned about the abcs and i, of course, had to make sure my parents had done those things so that they could go to heaven.

my dad said he wasnt interested. he was an atheist, and wasnt interested in being converted. my mother said she was more agnostic but that she had probably done those things earlier in her life when she was religious. and naturally, this horrified me.

i didnt want to go to heaven without my parents. i used to kiss all of my stuffed animals goodnight before bed so that they knew i loved them. if i ever forgot to say "goodnight, i love you, sleep well" to my parents before bed i would whisper it in the dark with tears streaming down my cheeks, hoping that they would know on the off chance that they died in their sleep last night. i didnt want to go to heaven without my parents.

of course, this all culminated in me "officially" losing my religion. soon after that incident, i decided that if my parents werent to believe, i wouldnt either. it was as simple as that. it was as simple to "not believe" as it was for me to "believe" in the first place. like turning off a light switch.

of course it wasnt so easy for me being in the deep south with such a religious family. it was hard and the thought of religion still distressed me. it was scary not being able to say "oh yeah i believe that" anymore. i dont even remember when i stopped going to church. its harder to remember the things i didnt do. i do remember one kid who went to my church asking me why i stopped going.

in an event that i feel permanently scarred the relationship between me and my cousin, as we had always been very close, he had initially put on some christian song while we were hanging out. it was by owl city. i didnt like it and i expressed that to him. he said oh you dont like this song? well its about god, so youre saying you dont like god? he had caught me in his elementary school logic. i was done for. i got upset and defensive and ran to another room, locked the door, and hid until, if i remember correctly, he and his family left. we never spoke of this again.

in a more positive experience of "coming out" as an atheist, i told my best friend at the time, and for a while she chanted "[my name]s going to die" in a lighthearted tone which was a little annoying but didnt really bother me, surprisingly, and then she moved on and our relationship remained the same until the last time i saw her.

later on in life, though still at an extremely young age to be doing this, i discovered feminism, politics, and youtube atheism. i realized i was "gay," began experiencing gender dysphoria and anxiety, and i became a massive nihilist. the middle two were unrelated to the politics and youtube atheism or skepticism. i was anti-religion and i was angry. i was upset at how id been raised, the beliefs many people around me almost certainly held, the idea that they would stop loving me had they known certain things about me, and all of the pain and confusion it had caused me at an even younger age. my anxiety around being preached to existed ever since my initial realization, and this staunch disliking lessened it. there were other people like me.

i dont believe that anymore of course. long since, ive realized that religion is not inherently evil, nor those who engage with it, and that, in fact, religion can bring good and helps a lot of people. i think everyone has the right to believe whatever they want so long as it doesnt harm anyone.

this brings me to my point about being fascinated with religion a. its something that has been a massive presence throughout time, across societies. my anxiety around religion has almost entirely dissipated by this point in my life, and now i kind of want to know. how do they do it? how are people able to believe in a higher power, or force, or presence? how does it feel? ive long since concluded that im not capable of it, trying many times with different spiritualities to really connect but i feel so much like an outsider no matter what. im almost jealous of even those who no longer believe but once did. its not something that eats me up inside, and i dont even think about it, but still i wonder. maybe thats something ill never get to experience. realistically, maybe im glad its not. nonetheless, i have massive respect for those who do and can. thank you.

[how-evergreen]

The Worst Professor/The Best Girlfriend

Summary: Finals are coming up, and you're running yourself down to avoid the proverbial foot aimed right at your ass. Luckily, your best friend and your girlfriend step in just in time.

A/N: this might be my favorite one ive written so far! im thinking of making a part two - would anyone be interested in that? thanks for the request, @themagnificentmx! this was definitely a fun one to write.

Warnings: Cursing, school-related stress, exhaustion, and as is typical of me, lots of fluff.

"You sure you don't need anything before I go?" Sam asked, looking down at you with worried eyes. You shook your head, forcing a smile.

"All set," you said, pushing him lightly. "Go. Have fun with your TA or whoever."

"She's not my TA, she's my tutor," Sam muttered. "And I will. We're going to that Italian place just off campus."

"The good one or the bad one?"

"Good one." Sam grinned. "I'm not an idiot, I know how to treat a lady."

"Sure thing." You rolled your eyes, focusing back on your textbooks. "Go get 'em, Falcon."

You heard Sam snort at the old nickname originating from his drunken leap off the roof of the Alpha Kappa Phi fraternity house. 

"I'll bring you leftovers?" he offered. 

"I'm good." You glanced at Sam, who was looking at you dubiously. "Dude. I'm fine. Go, you're gonna be late for Brittany."

"Samantha."

"Sam and Samantha?"

"Okay, I'm leaving you now."

"Finally." You laughed as Sam flipped you off over his shoulder. "See you in biochem!"

Sam said nothing, only walking out of the library. You allowed yourself a brief moment to watch him go before turning back to your books, shaking your head.

It was probably eight in the evening, and you'd been in the library since six that morning – just as you had been for the past several days. Finals were fast approaching, and your sadistic Stats professor had even assigned a pre-finals test for the next day that would be worth ten percent of your grade. He'd announced it at the previous class two days ago, leaving you hardly any time to study. Fucker.

The stress was definitely weighing down on you as you attempted to read the textbook on the table. Unfortunately, your body was working against you, vision blurring as the words began to swim.

Frustrated, you dropped your head onto the textbook.

"Fuck," you groaned, before picking your head up quickly to make sure you hadn't disturbed anyone. Luckily, there were no students in your immediate vicinity, and the ones you could see seemed to still be focused. 

"Back to it," you whispered, squinting down at the textbook again. This time, the words remained steady, and though you had to reread the same sentence twice in order for your brain to properly process what it said, you managed to keep going.

After another forty-odd years of trying to finish the same page, you saw someone approaching out of your peripheral vision. When you were able to make out who it was, you felt something inside you grow lighter.

Natasha's hair, pulled back into a neat bun, and the leotard visible beneath her unzipped jacket and jeans both indicated that she had come straight from dance class. She smiled at you as she approached, though it slipped a bit as she met your eyes.

"Nat." You grinned up at her, holding your arms out for a hug. "I missed you."

"You too." Nat pursed her lips but leaned down to hug you regardless, kissing your cheek before taking the seat beside you. "Sam texted me."

"Oh. Oh! Shit." You frowned. "Violation of trust."

"He said you've practically been living here for a week." Despite your relationship still being fairly new, you could see that beneath Natasha's irritated exterior was a whole lot of worry. "Something about a Calculus professor from hell?"

"Stats," you corrected absently. "Pre-finals quiz. He told us Monday, and it's happening tomorrow. Worth ten percent of our grade."

"Pre-finals... what?" Nat's eyebrow twitched. "I see what the 'from hell' part meant."

You puffed out an exhausted sigh. "Yeah."

"So you've spent all day every day in here?" Nat asked, gazing over the notebooks and textbooks scattered across the table.

"Well, no. I went to my classes. And to my dorm when the library closed."

"When's the last time you ate?" Nat asked suspiciously.

"Lunch. Sam brought me the grilled cheese from the cafeteria and a bottle of water."

"Oh." Natasha looked faintly surprised. "Good. And you've slept?"

You didn't say anything to that, looking away. 

"Hey." You felt fingers softly grasp your chin, turning your head to face Natasha. She examined you, eyes soft. "When's the last time you slept? And I mean actually slept, not passed out for an hour."

You sighed, glancing away. "Sunday night."

"Jesus," Nat hissed, letting go of your hand to rub your leg soothingly. "How are you even functioning?"

"Autopilot," you said, shrugging and turning back to your textbook. "I'm okay. Just gotta finish this chapter before the library closes."

"Uh, no." A hand dropped onto the pages, blocking your view and forcing you to look at Natasha. "You're not gonna wear yourself down any more than you already have."

"But the test is tomorrow, and I'm still a little shaky on –"

"No more studying," Nat said gently. "At least for a while. What time is your test tomorrow?"

"Three," you muttered.

"And is this the only concept you're still uncertain about?" You could practically see the gears turning in Natasha's head.

"Yeah, I think so."

"Perfect." She closed the textbook softly. "You're going to take the night off. We're gonna go back to my apartment and order Chinese food and watch that show you like, the one with that one guy, and then we're going to get a full night's sleep."

"But –" you protested.

"And then," Nat said over you, "tomorrow morning, I'm gonna make you breakfast, and you're gonna read this chapter with a fresh mind. Then I'm going to quiz you on the stuff you feel least certain about, and then you're gonna go to your Stats class and ace that quiz. And I'm gonna murder your professor. Does that sound good?"

You laughed a little despite yourself. "Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good."

"Good." Natasha kissed your forehead as she stood, collecting your notebook. "Oh, and you should probably tell Sam that you're coming with me. The guy worries."

You grinned, standing up and helping her collect your stuff. "He does. How did I get so lucky to have both the best best friend and the best girlfriend?"

Natasha glanced up at you for a moment before looking away, face going pink. 

"Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm amazing." She grinned, sliding the notebooks into your backpack and handing it over. "Come on. Let's get you home."

"Yes, ma'am." You saluted her, reveling in her laughter as you walked together into the night.