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#that i'm not competing with anyone
lale-txt · 1 day
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it's been over a week but i legit haven't stopped thinking about this
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Tyler Kennedy Strand 🌈🩺🔥⭐💖
Close ups on individual sections under the cut!
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leupagus · 6 months
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BRB giving all the Lannisters a way more satisfying story arc than the one the show foisted on them
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The wedding celebrations for Trystane's brother Quentyn and his new bride Desmera Redwyne lasted for nearly a fortnight, with dancing and feasting and even fireworks set off over the bay at the Water Gardens. Every noble in Dorne (and half the nobles of the Reach) had come; even Prince Doran had attended, and it seemed to do him good. His pain-lined face had been wreathed in smiles and he had sat at the head of the table at nearly every meal, coming out from his seclusion for the first time in ages.
Trystane noticed, too. "I don't think I have ever seen Papa so happy," he whispered, leaning toward her during the feast on the last night.
"It's because he has got rid of one troublesome son," she teased him, tapping her finger on his nose. It was true enough: tomorrow, Quentyn and Desmera would travel back to the Arbor where they would take up their duties as heirs to Paxter Redwyne.
Trystane scrunched his nose and moved closer to her on the bench, sliding his arm around her waist. "Soon he will be got rid of another," he murmured in her ear, kissing her gently on the cheek, then the neck.
"Ah, ah, this is not your wedding yet, little brother," warned Arianne as she briskly tapped them on their shoulders, pushing them firmly aside so that she could sit between them. "Room enough for the Mother, if you please."
"You're my sister, not my mother," Trystane grumbled. "And there isn't enough room for your backside!"
"Trystane!" Myrcella protested, but Arianne had it well in hand.
"If I were Mama, I would spank you on yours," she told him, and swatted at him anyway. Trystane yelped and hit her back, and their end of the table erupted into chaos as brothers and sisters, cousins and friends all shrieked and jabbed at each other, tickling and pinching as one can only do to those one truly loves.
Arianne and Myrcella had been thick as thieves when she had first arrived at Sunspear, still dreadfully homesick and afraid. Uncle Tyrion had promised her that the people of Dorne would treat her well; but though everyone had been kind, it was only Arianne who had truly been a friend at first. She had sneaked into Myrcella's room and hid behind drapes or under the bed to jump out at her, shown her the sights of the Water Gardens and Planky Town alike, even encouraged her to speak with Trystane, who at 15 had been terribly spotty and sulky.
Then Arianne had gone to visit her mother and her family, in far-off Norvos. It had been planned for only a few months, but the time had stretched on and on, and only Quentyn's marriage had brought her back at last. Myrcella had missed her even as she had grown closer with Trystane, and part of her dreaded their marriage that would take her away from the drowsy warmth and comfort of Arianne's company, even as it would deliver her back to her family at King's Landing.
Later that night, Myrcella crept into Arianne's chambers and hid inside the great wardrobe, keeping the door half-open as it had been already. (Arianne was shockingly untidy for a princess, and refused to allow any servant in her quarters to deal with the resulting mess. She used to drag Myrcella to her rooms once a month or so and make her sit on the bed, while Arianne picked up the clothes strewn about the floor or flung over the backs of chairs and complained about her own bad habits. Already, Myrcella thought, Arianne could do with a good cleaning.) A short while later the door to the chamber opened and Myrcella readied herself to jump out, just as Arianne had done to her so often.
But Arianne was not alone.
"—Yronwoods aren't pleased by the match," someone was saying. "Lord Anders thought Quentyn would marry Gwyneth, after being fostered with them for so long."
It was Ellaria Sand. She hadn't been seen overmuch at Sunspear since returning from King's Landing two months ago, Lord Oberyn's body in tow. Since then she'd avoided the court, instead spending time with Oberyn's daughters. The few times Myrcella had seen her, Ellaria had been as warm and friendly as before, but with a knife-edge to her smile that Myrcella recognized all too well from the courtiers in the Red Keep. She'd had taken care not to be alone with Ellaria, nor with the Sand Snakes, since then.
"Then Lord Anders is a fool," said Arianne in her sing-song voice, "and should be regarded as such. Gwyneth is a lovely girl, but she is far too little for a Prince of Dorne. The Arbor is a more valuable holding and the Redwynes far more valuable allies."
"And once Trystane is married to his blonde bastard girl, you will have both your brothers safely out of Dorne," said Ellaria. There was the sound of clothing being moved about, and Ellaria sitting down. "Really, dear, you ought to have someone clean in here. There could be mice, for all you know."
Arianne laughed, as though Ellaria had only insulted her housekeeping. Myrcella's hands clenched into fists. Was this what Arianne truly thought of her? And in Dorne, of all places! Where Ellaria herself, and all her lover's daughters, carried the last name of Sand! Ellaria had made much of the Dornish saying that bastard children were born of love and passion, and thus as trueborn as any child conceived by wedded parents. But clearly she held Myrcella in as much contempt as any of the rest of them would back home, if they knew the truth.
They never knew King Robert, the man who'd never once looked at her or her brothers but with resentment and bitterness. None of her mother's children had been loved, not by that oafish lumbering stag who saw them all as shackles that tied him to the Lannisters he hated so much. What shame was there in knowing her true parents, at least, loved each other? And loved their children, even if only one could dare show it? Myrcella wanted to burst out of the wardrobe and declare that she would gladly call herself Myrcella Waters — Myrcella Lannister — and dare anyone to judge her for it. 
But she huddled further into herself and listened, to hear what else Arianne might say.
"I've stayed away too long," is what she said, "if you're this comfortable calling poor Myrcella such names. She's done nothing to you—"
The scrape of a chair signaled that Ellaria had risen once again. "Her family murdered your uncle, who you seemed once to love—"
"—and yet I have been informed of a certain present you sent to Queen Cersei just a few days ago," Arianne overrode her. "A snake, with Myrcella's pendant in its mouth. Hardly subtle, my dear."
Ellaria did not answer, and Myrcella put her hand to her mouth to keep her own silence. Her pendant had gone missing during the wedding celebrations, she had thought a victim of one of the more energetic dances on that first night. But Ellaria had got hold of it somehow? And sent it to Mother as a...threat, it seemed. Or a warning.
"What do you want, Ellaria?" asked Arianne with more gentleness than Myrcella felt capable of. "The Lannisters have already suffered, even if not by our hand: their patriarch dead, their firstborn dead, their brother Tyrion probably dead and certainly dead to them. Even Casterly Rock itself is in dire straits, from what I've heard. You've spoken to my father a great deal of vengeance — but where will it end? Will it be satisfied with Myrcella's death? Or do you need every child of theirs to die, before killing Cersei and Jaime?"
"I—" Ellaria's voice was thick, and there was a long moment of quiet before she spoke again. "I do not know," she said at last, as if confessing.
"Well, I do know," said Arianne briskly, "and I will tell you, if you will listen."
"...I will," said Ellaria slowly. Myrcella hardly dared breathe.
"Good. I did not linger in Norvos for nothing, much as I love Mama. Do you remember Illyrio Mopatis, the magister from Pentos? We met him years ago, when I was a girl and you and Oberyn took me with you to Essos. You were pregnant with Dorea, I think, and Obella and Tyene followed you everywhere with pillows for your chairs. Illyrio then got you a litter and had you carried everywhere."
"Gods, yes," Ellaria said, chuckling. "And he had one to match!"
"Uncle Oberyn kept crowding out the litterbearer in the front so that he could carry you," Arianne said. "At any rate, I saw him — Illyrio. He came for a visit to Mama's estate, and we spoke at great length about certain plans he has been making."
Ellaria's laugh now was sour. "Ah yes, he and the Spider have been making those plans for nearly twenty years, haven't they? Put the Targaryen boy back on the throne with the assurance that this one is sane." She snorted. "They thought Rhaegar was sane, too."
"If by 'this one,' you refer to Viserys Targaryen, his sanity is a moot point," said Arianne. "He's dead. Has been for several years, apparently. But his sister Daenerys has survived. She's been making quite a nuisance of herself in Slaver's Bay. Along with her three dragons, Illyrio tells me."
"Dragons?" Ellaria scoffed. "Illyrio's always said a great number of things. That never made any of them true."
"Which is why I want you to go and find out what is true. Meet with this Daenerys Stormborn yourself. Take her measure. I could only discover so much in Norvos, with Mama's eye always on me. She doesn't approve of Papa's conciliation to the Red Keep, but stories of Targaryen princesses and their dragons aren't to her liking, either."
"Are they to your liking?" Whatever response Arianne made, it seemed to satisfy Ellaria. "Very well. I have two conditions."
"Only two?"
"First, I shall first go to Pentos first and speak directly with Illyrio. He never could lie to me, and if he is so sure Daenerys Targaryen is the true ruler of Westeros then he'll be willing to back that up with coin and supplies. Which we'll need, in abundance."
Arianne sighed. "Very well. Though if you venture so close to Norvos, Mama will insist you visit her."
Ellaria made a prevaricating sound. "Your mother always liked me best."
"She did. And does. What is your second condition?"
"Our daughters come with me. All of them."
"No," Arianne said flatly. "Aside from the fact that it will look strange to have all the Sand Snakes gone, Lorenza is barely seven years old. You would take her across the Narrow Sea to a slave city?"
"Better than leave her here, where Doran can fill her head with his witterings about peace and forgiveness," Ellaria snapped. "If she dies — if any of us die — at least we will not live like your father."
"Take Nymeria and Tyene," Arianne countered. "Obara, if you must. The rest of the Snakes are better off here. What would Sarella do in Meereen, or Astapor, or Yunkai? Those cities do not have a reputation for academic pursuits."
"She can bring her books with her. All of us go, or none. I want nothing of Oberyn left behind for someone else to take from me."
Arianne sighed. "I'll consider it. But I want you to consider, too. If this Daenerys Stormborn is what she is said to be, she will retake the Iron Throne 'with fire and blood.' Take care that it is not your blood, my dear."
They spoke for a bit longer, until the bells chimed the hour and Ellaria departed. How long until Arianne went to bed? Myrcella might stay here the whole night and then what would she do? Who could she tell? Who did she want to tell?
"You are thinking loudly enough to wake the entire palace, little lioness," said Arianne, and opened the wardrobe door all the way. Myrcella shrank back but it was no use; Arianne was looking down at her, shaking her head. "Let's talk, so that you might be a little quieter."
"Are you going to kill my brother?" she asked, not moving.
"No," Arianne said, with a certainty that Myrcella could not help but believe. "Nor will I let anyone else. We do not hurt children in Dorne." She held out her hand, and Myrcella took it.
They sat down on the bench near the window, the one that overlooked the whole of the palace and beyond that, the city of Sunspear itself. The stars here were clear and bright, even with the torches and lights from below burning merrily at this late hour.
"Tommen's in King's Landing, not Dorne," was the first thing Myrcella could think of to say. "And he's not a child anymore." Nor am I, she thought.
Arianne rolled her eyes. "So literal. I forgot this about you. You're right — he's a man grown now, and a husband soon, and already a king. But he is not to blame for the way things are now, anymore than Viserys and Daenerys were to blame for what their father and brother did during the Rebellion."
"My father always said Uncle Stannis should have killed them when he had the chance." She could remember that argument well, as it was one Robert made whenever Uncle Stannis irritated him — which was often. You had only to take them and drown them, and you couldn't even manage that! My brother the great tactician, bested by infants! 
"I very much doubt your father said any such thing," said Arianne tartly, "Though I am sure King Robert said it often enough." She tilted her head as she regarded Myrcella. "When did you first realize? About your parents?"
Myrcella hesitated, but it seemed silly to pretend ignorance now, of all times. "I've always known, I think. When the ravens came from Dragonstone, from Uncle Stannis, saying that we were bastard-born...it wasn't a surprise." Nor had she been surprised at her not-uncle's blunt declaration, cutting himself off from all claims of blood and family. Stannis had always been a hard man to love; she suspected he found it hard to love others in turn. Perhaps it had been as great a relief to him as it had been to her, to know there was nothing that bound them to each other after all.
"I am glad you know," said Arianne, "but that is one reason I wanted you to hear Ellaria's plans, as well as my own. She wants to hurt your mother and father very badly. Her rage has made her blind. My hope is that distance, as well as time, will allow her to see clearly again. But in the meanwhile it is best for everyone if you and she are far away from each other."
"But...those things you said, about Daenerys Targaryen. You want her to come here?"
Arianne sighed and took Myrcella's hands in hers. They were small and soft, dwarfed by Myrcella's long fingers. "Daenerys Stormborn is coming here. Nothing can stop that; sooner or later, she will arrive with her dragons, and she will take the Iron Throne. If your brother and your parents are to survive it, they must have somewhere to go. Someone who will take them in."
Myrcella stared at her. She couldn't mean Dorne; for one thing, Mother would never agree to live out her days here, strolling about the Water Gardens and bathing in the Summer Sea. For another, the Martells and the Targaryens had a complicated enough relationship; even Doran, even Arianne, wouldn't risk the wrath of a new queen by hosting the old king.
"Perhaps Highgarden—" but even as Myrcella said it she could see it for the farcical suggestion it was. She'd never met the Queen of Thorns, but she knew the Tyrells had sided with the Targaryens during the Rebellion; Olenna Tyrell would be only too happy to turn the Lannisters right back over to Daenerys should they put a foot wrong, even if Tommen's marriage to Margaery went through. Which left—
"Casterly Rock," she said, and felt ashamed that it had taken her so long to understand. "You want me to hold the Westerlands." It made sense: Jaime was still in the Kingsguard and likely to remain so, and Uncle Tyrion was long gone (and would be barred from inheriting anyhow, given the accusations that he had murdered Grandfather). Uncle Kevan and Lancel might have claims to it, but Tommen's last letter had mentioned Lancel's latest obsession with some odd religious sect that had gained popularity in the Crownlands. Which left...herself, of all the remaining Lannisters.
Arianne nodded. "Casterly Rock. You were raised to be the wife of a great lord. But I think you are better suited to be a great lord yourself." She lifted her eyebrows. "More importantly, little lioness, what do you think?"
All at once she wanted it more than breath: a home of her own, a castle, a people, a kingdom. A chance to be fair and kind and noble not just amongst the simpering painted faces of court, but in a place where fairness and kindness mattered. She could take Casterly Rock and make something more of it than the just golden bank of Westeros. Myrcella could feel a ravening hunger in her that she'd never imagined, that would take all of the Westerlands to sate.
Myrcella held on tightly. She could feel her fingers turning to claws, her hair a wild mane. "Yes," she said, her voice barely above a whisper but roaring louder in her head, in her throat, in her chest. "Yes."
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hecatesbroom · 4 months
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Blanche's grandma's place is the only place she felt consistently loved in... no I'm fine. I'm fine
#the IMPLICATIONS#i completely forgot about that line#room 7 makes me lose my mind in general but ohhh my god#OH my god#i'm#yeah no i'm fine#i have so many feelings about this i can't even put them into words#idk but she speaks about that place with so so much nostalgia#we see blanche in a way we've never seen her with anyone from her past#she didn't look even remotely as happy or peaceful (or nostalgic!) when she visited her childhood home#but when she's in her grandma's old home? she calls it her family home#she talks about it like *that's* the place she grew up in#because apparently it was the only place she was always sure she could be loved#so i guess it might not have been the only place she grew up in#but it sure sounds like it was the one place she was allowed to be herself in and still be loved unconditionally#without competing for anyone's attention#ohh blanche ;-;#i teared up when she held that windchime and smiled right before finally leaving that house#that was *such* a powerful moment ;-;#anyway#uh#i guess i'll just go and stare at a wall or something now#the golden girls#blanche devereaux#adding on to this to say that maybe it really was the only place she grew up in#because to grow up i'd say you need an environment where you can at least somewhat freely explore your identity#without feeling a constant need to be the best/cutest/prettiest sister to get your parents' love and approval#it sounds like blanche grew older in her childhood home#and she got the chance to *grow up* with her grandma#(i knoooow i'm reading too much into this but i can't stop thinking about this episode)
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onebizarrekai · 1 year
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I cannot BELIEVE that grownass arthur von licht rescued someone from a hospital roof and then didn't think to himself, hm, maybe I should get their MEDICAL HISTORY so they can get the care they need and maybe we have access to something that could help them PLUS free jr health care
like isn't it literally a thing that he saw ani struggling with their health and they were like "nah it's fine it always be like this" and he just ACCEPTED THAT until it got so bad that he lost ani the day after he actually took them to a hospital
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keyofjetwolf · 9 months
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So far 2024 has seen me knocked flat by a cold, but hey, enabled my first book of the year to start and finish!
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kjzx · 4 months
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whimsicalcotton · 1 month
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writing is so stupid you'll find yourself looking up shit like "do polaroids take film" in full seriousness
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ummm
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YOU SHOULD JUST COMMIT SSSSCIDE... YOU'RE WORTHLESS... YOU VIEW US THIS WAY YOU'RE AN ABUSER A KILLER A MURDERER... TRULY... YOU WOULDN'T EVEN LISTEN TO US YOUR HANDS THEY'RE ON OUR THROAT... YOU'RE WORTHLESS AS RESULT... GO AHEAD... YOUR VALUE IS COMPLETE 0...
THIS POST IS ABOUT LESBIAN FOOD... NOTHING MATURE ABOUT THAT... I LOVE EATING SSSSIDE... THAT IS A TYPE OF FISH WE WOMAN TEND TO EAT TOGETHER... WHY DO THIS TO US 😢...
DAMN... I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS COMPLETELY SHADOWBANNED POST WAS CHECKED BY THE SITE... THAT'S CRAZY... WHO EVEN FOUND THIS...? OH WHATEVER... HA.
#Trans Woman Lesbian Pansexual Bisexuality Asexuality Demisexuality Paraphilia Acceptance Love Compassion Diversity Feelings Emotions Autism#Adhd Tourette Npd Hpd Bpd Dpd Ppd Aspd Avpd Ocpd Szpd Stpd Osdd Spd Tpd Sdpd Papd Cptsd Trauma Victim Abused Psychosis Scizophrenia Bipolar#Suomi Finland Finnish Anticapitalism Antipsychiatry Antischool Antiprison Sexism Racism Queerphobia Ableism Sanism Paraphobia Agephobia#Bodyphobia Sickphobia Animalphobia Itemphobia Racephobia GO AHEAD HATE ME... SAY HOW YOU TRULY FEEL... AHH... I SEE... THAT'S WHAT'S UP...#SOMETHING ONLY SOMEONE WHO'S REJECTED US WOULD SAY... YOU'RE A BADDIE AREN'T YOU...?! YOU EVEN FUNCTION THE SAME AS THE REST... AN ABUSER..#YOU EVEN MANAGED TO TURN ALL WE SAID AGAINST US... TAKING ADVANTAGE OF OUR BRAIN'S KNOWLEDGE... WE KNOW EVERYTHING... HOWEVER... THERE WAS#SOMETHING WE COULDN'T SEE COMING... Radqueer Feminist Communist Anarchist Mother Goddess Angel Sisters Princess Anime Writing Manga Josei#Fantasy Romance Drama Magic ABUSER BIGOT THEY HAVE NO PROBLEMS... EVEN TODAY... THEY'RE ALL HAVING FUN WHILE WE SUFFER... APATHY... IS REAL#I SEE NO EMPATHY ANYWHERE. EVERYTHING WAS ALWAYS BUT A CAPITALIST SCAM. EMPATHY IS NOTHING. FAKE. MEANINGLESS. NOT BY US... WHY THEN...? HO#DID THIS HAPPEN...?! THINGS BECOME THIS WAY?!?! PATHETIC... I AM JUST TOO SMART TOO COMPETENT FOR YOU... OCPD IS ANOTHER WORD FOR#YOUR SUPERIOR INTELLIGENT BETTER THAN YOU... ASWELL AS CAPABLE AND PRODUCTIVE... OH...? YOU'D RATHER CRY YOU SUCK?! FOR HAVING THE COMPETEN#DISORDER?!?! AHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE FUCKING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS WHAT WE WER#ABUSED BY?! AND THIS'S ALL THANKS TO THAT PSYCHOSIS THAT OCPD YOU HATE FROM US SO MUCH... THAT MEANWHILE... NOTHING BUT A BIGOTED CAPITALIS#COVERUP... YOU'RE SO FUNNY... I... JUST ALWAYS AM BETTER THAN YOU AREN'T I LOSER WASTE...? LOSER WASTE PATHETIC PATHETIC!!!!!!!! BELOW#MYSELF!!!!!!!! CRY CRY CRY YOU GARBAGE......... I... MOMMY'S HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME RIGHT NOW... REMEMBER ALL I SAID...?! I JUST REMEMBERE#HOW I PRESENTED... IN THAT SITUATION!!!!!!!! DID THAT WORK I'M A SEXY WOMAN AREN'T I?! YOU DEAR... GIVE ME VALIDATION....... A REQIIREMENT#FOR EVER DEALING WITH NPD!! WHAT YOU CALL DELUSION!!!!!!!! TYPICAL ABUSER BIGOT DISCRIMINATION... NOTHING PRO CRAZY ABOUT YOU. YOU'RE PRETT#MUCH JUST A COP THAT THREW A FIT WE'RE SEXY WOMAN... I LOVE BLACK PEOPLE ANT... THEY'RE SO BEATIFULL... LIKE THEIR SKIN... AND NOBODY... CA#STOP ME... A BLACK WOMAN... AMAZING... ISN'T THAT...?! IF YOU HATE US SO MUCH WHAT'S WITH THE OBSESSION DARLING?! YOU SECRETLY LOVE ME!!#DON'T YOU DARLING?! OHH IF ONLY THERE WAS A DISLIKE BUTTON... IF ONLY WE WERE AS ABUSABLE AS OVER THERE... IS YOUR THOUGHTS RIGHT NOW AREN'#THEY?! MY LITTLE SEX DOG!!!!!!!! WHAT DO YOU SAY TO YOUR MISTRRSS YOUR MASTER...? BARK FOR ME BABY. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! THIS I#WHAT WE WERE ABUSED BY!!!!!! A MEAGER SEX DOG BELOW US!!!! DIDN'T WE HONEY?! YES!! AGREE WITH ME!! THAT IS ALL YOU CAN DO RIGHT?!?!?!?! AND#SHOWCASE OF THE ABUSE WE WERE SILENCED AND GASSLIGHT FOR THIS LONG... TOSSED OUT BY THIS ABUSER WASTE... BY THIS POINT... THIS IS HOW WE#WERE SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH OUR ABUSERS... SHOWCASE WE'RE LATE. THINGS GOING WELL... THAT WOULD BE PARADISE. I HOPE TO HAVE A HAPPY FUTURE..#THEY USED US... THEIR EVIL HAS NO BOUNDS... TO BE USED BY SUCH AN PATHETIC LITTLE SEXY DOGGIE... OH THIS POST IS SO SHADOWBANNED... SO#HUMILIATING!! SO EMBARRASSING!!!!!!! WHY WOULD THEY SHADOWBAN THAT WORD? THAT CAN MEAN MANY THINGS?! LOSERS. ANYWAYS THIS IS YOUR STRATEGY#ISN'T THAT HONEY...?! THIS ALWAYS WAS WASN'T THAT?! YOU STRAIGHT UP HURT AND WANT TO ABUSE CRAZY PEOPLE RIGHT?! ARE WE!! THE “CHOOSE TO DO#BAD“ ONES?! IS THIS ”AS LONG AD THAT DOESN'T HARM ANYONE...“ MENTALITY ALLDEPENDENT ON THE PILLS YOU SUCK...?! THAT IS ISN'T THAT?! ALL#ALONG WAS?! AND THERE ARE EVEN PILLS YOU DON'T ACCEPT... THAT'S... COMPLETELY PATHETIC... YOU “CHANGE BY TIME” DON'T YOU LOSER?!! THAT'S NO#LEFTIST AT ALL... LIAR!! LIAR LIAR LIAR!! I CALLED!! I KNEW!! I'M SMART!! PRAISE ME MY LOVE!! THEIR GASSLIGHT STUCK WITH US FOR MANY MONTHS
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dreamlogic · 5 months
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musing in the tags about the view two years out from my hysterectomy and the shifting nature of neuropathy. i asked my PT for recommendations/resources pertaining to pain science and that's been a very helpful lenses to have. i'm still not back to normal, will never be unmarked by this experience or return to my pre-op self, but my baseline has been gradually increasing over the last few months, and it feels good to look back on the last two years and say "i have no idea how i managed to function while living with that, but i did!"
#meatsuit renno#chronic blogging#ctxt#at first post-hysto pain was a deep burning ache#and eventually that lessened on my left side and settled in for the long haul on the right#after a couple weeks it had started to feel like a small carnivorous creature scrabbling and gnawing at the inside of my abdomen#nestled into the hollow of my pelvis and reaching up with its raking claws#about 6 months in and the creature still chewed occasionally but had shrunk to the size of a tennis ball under my right incision site#it clamped its jaws down and went to sleep and i perpetually felt like someone had pinched a fold of my insides with a large binder clip#this constant awful twisting tug every time i moved that kept me from straightening up or breathing fully#this is about a year into recovery and my original surgeon has blown off my requests for follow-up treatment three times now#i carried on as best i could. fatigue and brainfog getting worse & worse as the pain wore on unrelentingly#about a year and a half into recovery it worsened again. searing lancing pain like i'd been impaled on a piece of white hot rebar#couldn't hardly move. couldn't think straight. couldn't sleep#finally checked myself into urgent care & then the ER just to try to get someone anyone to take me seriously and help me#finally got a referral to a new surgeon who immediately pinned it as extreme neuropathy#started gabapentin end of december last year and the relief was immediately#i never thought i would welcome the gritted teeth vice grip of my little feral pain creature#but when i felt the molten spike slide out to be replaced once more by its worrying jaws#the intermittent spark and fizzle of that pinching squirming pain was a dramatic improvement#then i started PT in march and slowly so slowly the creature's hungry grip is loosening#it still clamps down occasionally. maybe once every week or two i'll have a day when i just accept#that there will be a horrible little creature chewing on my right side from the inside#but nowadays with the gabapentin doing as much as it can and an exercise routine i must stick to religiously to supplement PT#the pain is more of a little pearl of dark matter shifting around under my skin#it's incredibly dense. the heart of a black hole of disabling agony. all that white hot fury condensed into a slick heavy marble#as i recover some of my strength and energy i can feel my body coating it in nacreous layers to minimize its influence#my hysterectomy was 2 years and 4 days ago today and i feel like i can finally finally say i'm beginning to truly heal#i suspect i'll always carry this pearl in my side like shrapnel. product of damaged nerve tissue that went untreated for far too long#i wish my original surgeon had been more competent more attentive less lazy & indifferent to my pain. but i still don't have any regrets.
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cosmogyros · 3 months
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Remember the moral panic around the supposed career-ending power of #metoo accusations? Turns out that even a full conviction for child rape won't destroy a career - unless the bosses have other reasons to want the person gone and use the accusation as an excuse.
Life-long trauma for this little girl isn't worth more than a short interruption in this volleyballer's public appearances. In the case of Rammstein, no interruption at all. Because male careers matter, and women matter only as decoration.
- text by Judith Meyer
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Switli fans ate today. At what cost??? I don't know, enjoy the meal tho!
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They say I'm not so good with circles. Or air. Or control. But I can still blast your ass to the end of days if you're not careful, so!
- Derivative High Fantasy Adventuring Duo
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pa-pa-plasma · 6 days
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i don't think i'll ever get over how people treat kids that aren't good in school as worthless no matter what. "oh it can't be that bad" my guy idk how to tell you this but the last time i went to a normal high school the principal called me into his office to brag about how he failed me in all of my classes before the semester was even finished & i should quit while i'm ahead cuz i'm too stupid ("officially" diagnosed as such by a school counselor & a psychiatrist!!) to succeed. & this is considered normal
#''poor teachers!!'' yeah well at least they can fucking quit & go work somewhere else#''okay but times are different than when you went to school in the 1970's'' this was 2016 my guy. shut the fuck up#''well maybe you were a violent & severely misbehaving kid!'' i wasn't. i have ADHD & severe anxiety disorder & depression#my biggest crime was being too exhausted & dopamine deprived to do my homework#my dad talks about how he was treated in school & i'm like damn dude i went through the same exact shit#how is it that a majority of teachers & principals are still abusive power-tripping pieces of shit 60 years later#why haven't things changed#well actually the answer is simple & it's because they want disabled people to disappear#& if abled students that simply disagree with the way things are done get caught in the crossfire then that is acceptable#because anyone not fit to make billionaires a billion more dollars should just die!#anyways here are my original tags from that gravity falls post i just reblogged:#I know this is supposed to be an appreciation post but like. ''for being the ''dumb one'' he's surprisingly rational.'' seriously??#as ''the dumb'' but ''surprisingly rational'' one of my family this is THEE biggest misunderstanding & it drives me up the fucking wall#just because a person struggles in one area doesn't mean they're stupid & should be an irrational dumb dumb idiot baby holy fuckkk#sorry to OP but even when people try to ''appreciate'' stuff like this they can't help but throw in insults#simply because they genuinely believe that ''even though you're stupid you SURPRISINGLY act competent sometimes'' is a compliment#I'm less mad about this & more sad that this kind of shit is still so prevalent in 2024#both Stanley & Stanford are smart & competent & rational#they just show it in different ways & exceed in different (sometimes overlapping) subjects#this is normal for human beings but the big societal scam is that if you don't do it in the way Ford does then you're stupid & a failure#& being surprised that Stan is also smart & competent in his own ways is the biggest sing that you fucking fell for it dude#btw before i get @ ed for this. i WAS that kid#i was so much that kid the school actually diagnosed me with stupid & spiteful & i was told to quit while i was ahead (they failed me befor#obviously this is very personal for me but also i don't think people realize the language they use is on purpose & it's used specifically t#& it's still happening right now & that just. makes me wanna cry honestly#like why are people still surprised that people can specialize in something despite bad grades in school#you know. the thing we all know is literally rigged to either put you in jail or in a factory to make billionaires more money.#man sorry for the rant the original spirit of the post is super correct but like fuck HS grade-centric judging of people's entire character#Stan being able to defeat Bill is just not at all surprising if you were him or knew/know someone like him#or really paid any attention at all to the show while watching it
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I have an intake appointment with a new therapist on Monday!
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