#that first one is so trying to be cool to impress your crush coded unfortunately

[lizardkingeliot]

I didn't get your name, fella.

[noodles-and-oodles]

👀 The Pomefiore trio trying to impress their crush with something they aren't very familiar with. Like something that isn't their talent, out of their comfort zone yk? Thanks~

Oooohhh I like dissss! Thank you @thecurrator for requesting and I hope this is to your liking <3

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Vil Schoenheit

I think you’d probably have to be so oblivious to the point where Vil becomes desperate. He’s done everything he could think of, every trick in the book and has even thought outside the box!! But now it’s time he tried something outside of his comfort zone

Vil is aware of your love for video gaming, but seeing as he’s never been interested in such things, he has not a clue on where to even start. The only other person he could ask is Idia but the blue haired teen is far too afraid to be in the presence of Vil nor do they have such a friendship that Vil would be comfortable asking him about such things

So, thinking it could be a way for the two of you to bond, Vil asks you! He can tell you’re ecstatic when he asks you because your eyes light up like stars in the sky. You’ll tell him all you know, the basics, cheat codes, combos, and even which games suit different consoles.

Vil’s not very good at first but give him a few rounds and he’s giving you a run for your money. By the time you were done explaining everything, he had already learned how to use an ultimate combo move and completely destroy you in any game you liked to play. How about it? Pretty neat right? It’s only natural he’d soon be able to beat you at your own game

If you inquire about his sudden interest, Vil will try to play it cool and say that you’re his crush friend so why wouldn’t he be interested in the things you like to do? (Knowing damn well he wouldn’t do this for anyone else)

He may even spend some of his free time finding games that you’ve never played, master them, and then bring them to you to play so that this time you’ll be the one asking for his help

Rook Hunt

Rook knows practically everything about you already from his stalking observation skills and he’ll note that you’re really fond of knitting. Being a skilled hunter means his hands are capable of a lot of things, unfortunately for Rook, knitting was not one of them

He’ll learn though, oh trust me he will LEARN. Just from observing you when you’re working on something new, he’ll be able to pick up the skill pretty easily and before you know it, he’s showing you all the things he’s made. You’ll be surprised that Rook is so good and he’ll take the opportunity to offer to make you something.

Epel and Vil are definitely questioning why he’s suddenly acting like such a grandma, saying that he can’t help out cause he’s working on his knitting project. Rook works for WEEKS on his gift for you and won’t care for blood, sweat or tears; your expression when he presents it to you being the only thing on his mind

Rook has to invite you to his room because the gift is too big and you’re just following him in anticipation. You thought he’d make you a hat or a scarf, y’know? Something normal but anyone that knows Rook, knows normal is not in his vocabulary

This man makes you a whole ass quilt with your face in the center of it. He won’t say exactly how long it took him and just say that it was nothing, and that he really just wanted to give you something you’ll always have a use for and to remember him by

If it isn’t obvious that Rook has a crush on you by now just exit stage left cause I’ll keep him

Epel Felmier

Epel loves to hear you play your violin, it’s how he first met you really. He heard you playing one night and ever since then he’s been in love with your music. He’d love to play with you but he doesn’t know how to play any instruments

Before approaching you, he’d try to learn the simple things. A piano, or a guitar, or maybe even the drums but he fails at all of them. Don’t even get the poor boy started on sheet music, his eyes are swirling after trying to decipher the meaning of the signatures

Some of the other first years try to help him out, but Epel refused to continue accepting their help when Ace (snickering and all) tells him to play the triangle. He’s a man! Triangles are too dainty, they totally don’t suit him at all

He is now learning to play the triangle and when he can successfully play a short nursery rhyme, he pats himself on the back. This should be enough to play with you now, right? Epel will find you and ask if you can hang out later so that he can show you what he learned

He’ll nervously play what he’s learned and you intently listen to the entire thing. Please don’t laugh at the poor baby if he makes a mistake, he’ll drop the triangle and run to his room, embarrassed to all hell. He will greatly appreciate it if you don’t make fun of him, give him a compliment or two to really boost his confidence!

When Epel admits that he just wanted to be able to play something with you, your heart is touched. He’s so sweet that you can’t help but smile. Surely you’ll notice something…like his crush on you…right?

[libermachinae]

Lost Light/Rodimus

Notes: No, I don’t mean the crew. Unedited bc I’ve already spent way more time on this crack fic than I meant to. Rated G, no warnings apply, 2K.

---

It wasn’t Brainstorm’s fault, entirely.

“How the hell did you make a metrotitan spark?”

Just mostly.

“Well, it’s actually an extremely complicated, delicate, precise procedure,” Brainstorm said as they ran for their lives through shifting, narrowing corridors, Rodimus’ engine gunning to keep up with the jet. “It’s something other scientists have been trying to crack since before the war started, but between the exact measurements of the photonic supercrystal and the pattern of coding charges, no one else ever managed to—”

“Okay, forget how!” Rodimus shouted. “I don’t care about how! Or why! Or even at what point you decided to make a massive t-cog to go with it—”

“Actually, Perceptor cracked that one.”

“—or how you got it past Riptide and the rest of security! I don’t care!” A wall appeared front of them; Rodimus swerved around it while Brainstorm pulled into a neat roll. A wingtip brushed Rodimus’ roof. “Assuming we survive this any other way than First Aid scraping our pancaked frames off a random corridor wall, you’re going to tell the whole story to Megatron, and he can use all the practice he’s had with me to tell you exactly how terrible an idea this was.”

“Pancaked?”

“Earth term. Watch out!”

The hallway to the shuttle bay disappeared behind two shifting plates, and Rodimus had just enough time to brake and avoid being crushed. Brainstorm pulled up and transformed, landing at Rodimus’ side.

“Oh, this isn’t good,” he said.

“No kidding?” Rodimus angled his mirrors to look around, but every glance just revealed fewer directions to escape to. “We’re trapped.”

“Not that,” Brainstorm said. “We’re in the abdomen.”

“Belly of the ship, sure.”

“In root mode, the Lost Light’s power core is situated in the lower decks, under multiple layers of plating and insulation to keep the heat from frying everyone around it.” Brainstorm traced a small circle on the plating just underneath his cockpit, then drew it up, toward his chest. “When Perceptor was designing the transformation sequence, though, we couldn’t quite work out how to transport the core with all its extra plating. So, we just, hm, put a pin in it.”

Rodimus stared.

“So, what you’re saying is—”

Brainstorm pointed to the ceiling.

“The power core is one level above us right now. As soon as the transformation sequence is completed, it’s going to come online. The Lost Light’s designed to handle that kind of output, but not standard Cybertronians.”

“So, right now, this moment, we’re standing in the smelter, waiting for it to come on.”

“More like in front of the smelter after the blast doors have malfunctioned, but yeah.”

“Okay!” Rodimus revved his engine. “Well, that’s no good! We’re getting out of here.” He glanced around again. The walls were thick, but there had to be a weakness somewhere. “Don’t you have a drill gun? Or a drill you reformatted into a gun that can still be used as a drill?”

“I have a regular gun.”

“You do not.”

“I do!” Brainstorm insisted, pulling the standard issue pistol from subspace. “I was just about to see if I could do something about the problem of a finite ammo capacity (spoiler, I could’ve) when Light’s t-cog started spinning. I have others on me, but nothing that’s gotten the Perceptor stamp yet.”

“Everything else you’ve got will kill us if we fire it?”

“Might,” Brainstorm corrected, “they might kill you. Percy just hasn’t had time to test them yet.”

“Okay, fine.” Rodimus glanced around once more, optics falling on one feature he’d thus far overlooked. “You know what? We can work with this.”

  It’s a simple fact that if you’re desperate to have floor-to-ceiling windows along the vehicle-accessible corridors of your miles-wide spaceship, they’re going to need to be reinforced. Heavily. A full round of shots fired at point-blank from a non-infinite pistol might be enough to get a crack in it, but that’s about it.

Of course, if you then ram that crack with a Matrix-armored sports car dropped from the undercarriage of a speeding jet, you might get somewhere.

Rodimus hit the window bumper-first, vibrations from the impact traveling in both directions throughout his frame. Whatever he was feeling, though, the window was having a much worse time: the crack stretched and exploded, shards of glass whipping out into the empty density of space. Rodimus went with them, and for a brief second he feared he would never stop going, before strong arms and the sound of thrusters secured him.

::We’re alive!:: Brainstorm’s comm crackled to life in his audial. ::And assuming at least a couple people listened to Minimus’ instructions, we should be looking at a good—oh frag.::

::What? How bad is it?:: Rodimus tried to angle his mirrors, but two teal wings blocked his view.

::It’s fine! Don’t worry!::

::That’s my ship, Brainstorm, of course I’m going to worry!::

::It’s alright, Rodimus.::

::Who was—::

A white hand appeared in front of them, large enough that Rodimus could have done donuts on its palm, large enough to punch a moon clear through. Brainstorm’s thrusters were straining to slow them down while Rodimus’ emergency brake slammed on, but momentum seemed committed to mashing them like a reverse rustbug.

The hand shifted, flipping over so the palm was underneath Rodimus, scooping up until his tires were just skidding across the metal surface. Forgetting to release his brake, his swerved before he came to a stop, swinging around and taking in the full view of his ship as, with a final ripple, her plating shifted into place.

She glowed. From the fuel rods around the corona of her helm and the winding lanes of windows around her arms, legs, and sides, light streamed from her, but not so much that she hurt to look at. Her optic band was a solid magenta and, Rodimus suspected, unseeing, but even that gave off a light that drew the eye, even as Rodimus felt the increased pressure of the hand lifting them up. In their ascent, they passed her chestpiece, the bow of the ship, and through the viewscreen Rodimus saw a decent portion of his crew, staring back out at him.

They came to a halt in front of her faceplate, and from this distance Rodimus could see the wavering patterns of optical lights, perhaps attempting to generate an expression. Ratchet would demand a look at Perceptor’s coding, he thought, a moment before the Lost Light’s voice returned.

::Hello, Rodimus, Brainstorm.::

::You gave her a comm suite?:: Rodimus asked, glancing at Brainstorm.

::Didn’t you check the ident?:: Brainstorm returned. ::She’s using the communications hub.::

::Oh.:: He glanced at her again. ::Can you access all of our major systems like that?::

::Yes.::

::Cool. Neat.:: An independent Cybertronian with the ability to quantum jump. And they’d been doing so well staying off the bad side of this reality’s Galactic Council.

::Do you have a name?:: he asked.

The optic lights wavered, shifting without meaning.

::Of course,:: she said. ::Drift named me Lost Light.::

Rodimus spluttered.

::How do you know that?::

::I have complete access to all in-network records,:: she said. ::My ‘memories’ extend as far back as my registration five million years ago, though they become more comprehensive within the last several decades, starting with the commencement of your quest.::

::Anything anyone ever dispersed via in-house networks, saved to a private console, or was automatically logged by the systems is up for grabs,:: Brainstorm said. ::Makes introductions pretty simple, at least.::

::Sounds like a fancy way of saying she’s got the worst possible first impression of everyone, but sure, that’s an optimistic way of looking at it.:: Brainstorm had climbed off him, so he transformed and took two steps forward. ::I’m Rodimus, your co-captain. Though, you already seem to know that.::

::Yes. I know all of you.:: For a moment, Rodimus thought they were moving again, but it was the large helm tilting forward. ::Thank you, by the way, Brainstorm. Though I unfortunately agree with Minimus Ambus’ preliminary assessment of your actions, I do appreciate this opportunity to be alive.::

::Like creator, like creation, I guess!::

::Wait, you talked with Minimus?:: Rodimus asked.

::Of course. I’m speaking to everyone right now,:: Lost Light said. ::I’ve been looking forward to this.::

::Wow. You’re either going to be Swerve and Misfire’s missing trinemate, or their biggest competition.::

::I do not find either of those options appealing.::

::Oh, yeah, that’s fine!:: He waved his hands. ::Just a joke. You can do whatever you want, now, you’re your own bot. Well, within reason, I guess. We might need to make another new officer position for you, and then—::

::I will continue to perform my duties, Rodimus. You have no need to worry in that regard.::

::Oh, good.:: Rodimus’ spoiler sagged and a few bubbles of trapped air escape his vents. Brainstorm’s scheme hadn’t dehomed them, at least.

::If you wouldn’t mind hearing it, I do have a request.::

Rodimus’ spoiler twitched back up.

::Sure!:: he said. ::After everything we’ve put you through, we owe you, huh?::

::I would prefer you not consider it that way,:: she said. The connection crystalized and strengthened into a private transfer as Lost Light cleaved Brainstorm into his own channel. ::After reviewing the records, I find I admire you, Rodimus.::

He stared.

::Oh?::

::Despite what you call a poor first impression, I have observed a crew that cares for each other and looks after its most vulnerable, with you as the spark that inspires such communal behavior. You act for the good of others, you encourage selflessness and self-improvement. Does that sound correct?::

There was nothing to hide behind on the palm of her hand. That observation could not kill Rodimus’ instinct to flee.

::I, uh. I don’t know?::

A flicker around the optic band again.

::Oh. My apologies. I have only just started to engage in pattern recognition, and it is possible my assessment is—::

::It’s fine!:: Rodimus assured. ::Sorry, you did fine. Um, yeah, I guess you could say all those things about me. Not everyone would, but if that’s what the logs are telling you, you should trust your instincts. Maybe just like, make sure to update them with your own observations?::

::Acknowledged.:: There was a pause, and Rodimus imagined she was sorting the suggestion among her priority trees. ::I will maintain my assessments as an ongoing process. However, if I am utilizing my initial understanding of each crew member as a basis to form a more informed conception of their character, then it is logical to assume that there must be some element of validity to my initial evaluations, correct?::

::Uh, sure?::

::Excellent.:: Her whole visor brightened, a straightforward positive that must have been easier for her programming to calculate than the emotions it had been trying to convey before. ::Then it is not unreasonable for me to hold to my initial conviction that I admire you, Rodimus. If you have time, I would like to get to know you better.::

::Huh. Uh.:: He hated to make assumptions, but the way her visor sparkled seemed more coordinated now. ::Can you give me one moment?::

::Of course.::

He hopped into a channel so well worn it felt like sinking into his own thoughts.

::Rodimus? Are you okay?::

::I’m fine, Drift,:: he said. ::Just, uh, need some advice.::

::Just advice? Not a rescue? Rewind and Perceptor managed to map out a way down to the shuttle bay, if you need an out.::

::No, no,:: he insisted. ::I’m just… I really don’t want to assume anything, but I think it’s possible my ship just asked me out?::

::Oh, yeah.::

::Oh, yeah?::

::I mean, she did,:: Drift said. ::Before you and Brainstorm broke free, she commed everyone, introduced herself, told them her favorite thing she knew about them, then asked about you.::

::Do I… want to know what she asked about?::

::Depended on the person. Swerve got interrogated about whether you’re available.::

::Swerve?::

::The Lost Light Insider pegged him for a rumor monger and she ran with it.::

::Cool. Great.::

::Hey. Really, you okay up there? Tailgate’s halfway through the vents, we can come get you, if you need.::

Rodimus pointed his gaze down to the deck, though he was too far away to see anyone individually. It was possible the ship’s exterior cameras were still streaming to the command screens, in which case Drift would undoubtedly catch his disapproval.

::Please make sure Tailgate doesn’t get squished, I don’t need Cyclonus seeking vengeance against our ship.::

::Sure. But seriously, Rodimus, are you okay?::

Rodimus spun his wheels with a flick.

::I’m fine. I just… isn’t this, I don’t know, kind of taking advantage?::

::I mean, she asked you, and—wait, are you interested?::

His engine heated up and Rodimus started to pace.

::I don’t know! Maybe?::

::Aw, Rodimus!:: He could imagine Drift’s face: goofy smile, softly dimmed optics. ::Hang on, I’m patching Ratchet in.::

::No, hang on, you don’t have to—::

::You’re saying yes?:: Ratchet demanded as the new connection crackled through.

::I don’t know,:: Rodimus insisted. ::I could? She’s attractive. And she knows a lot about me and hasn’t decided I’m worthless slag.::

::Rodimus,:: Drift chided.

::Hey, look, I’m not saying that about myself,:: he countered. ::Just that it’s a conclusion she could have come to, but didn’t. And I guess I kind of like that?:: He shrugged. ::I wouldn’t mind getting to know her. First new Cybertronian we’ll meet for a long time, you know?::

::Sure,:: Ratchet said. ::Follow her lead, but be up front about your expectations.::

::Both of you will have bots looking out for you,:: Drift promised. ::Seems like she and Nautica are already hitting it off pretty well.::

::Alright.:: Rodimus smiled. ::Okay, thanks guys. I think I can handle it from here.::

::Sure you can,:: Drift said.

Rodimus cut the call and switched back to Lost Light’s channel. Brainstorm was wandering around behind him, still engaged in his own animated conversation with his creation.

::Still with me?:: he asked.

::Of course.::

::Great,:: he said, offering her a smile and a flicker of his headlights. ::So, yeah, I’m down to spend more time together.:: He leaned down until he was sitting, crosslegged, on her open palm, brushing the smooth metal with his own hand. ::You can tell me all about what it was like that time we were getting chased by space pirates.::

::I look forward to it,:: she said. The platform of her hand drifted closer, until Rodimus could have reached out and brushed his fingertips against his facemask. He could have felt afraid, then, but he didn’t. Instead, he felt a warm light in his spark as he regarded Light, the familiarity and comfort that came with meeting an old friend face to face for the first time.

[moonguilt]

please give me more kl headcanons.😔

OKAY people this got WAY out of hand and i wrote 7 pages of an entire au plotline so uh. sorry everybody but it’s gonna be split into at least a couple different postswe’ll call this CHAPTER 1: (chapter 2 can be found HERE)I roleplay on MMORPGs so you’re gonna have to deal with my self indulgent online roleplaying AU. There will be klance but I have to SET THE STAGE first so bear with me. basically this is just multiplayer online video game roleplaying garbage. on that note, enjoy.

hunk and pidge were the first ones to discover the video game “Voltron.” they dicked around on it just to test out the game controls and perhaps get coding ideas for a game they are trying to create, but they ended up kinda enjoying it. the gameplay has its issues but is overall pretty fluid.

hunk plays a rogue. he has to turn the game volume down sometimes because of the gross gorey noises the game makes when he stabs people. he probably would have rerolled as a different class just to escape the gruesome sound effects, but he really likes being able to enter stealth. he says it makes him feel “safe”

pidge plays a mage. hunk is under the impression that it’s because she wants to play a class with high intelligence points, and pidge doesn’t correct him. but really she just likes the idea of turning her enemies into frogs

shiro is hanging out with matt one day and ends up watching pidge play. he wants to be Hip and Cool so he decides to create a trial account and see if he likes it. turns out, he’s TERRIBLE at the actual gameplay (his computer reflexes are Bad and he keeps dying to basic mechanics on literally every boss fight. matt downloads the game and creates a priest out of pity just to help keep shiro alive while he levels)

“this is demeaning for everyone involved”

“you’re the one who has died seven times now to haxus. literally all you have to do is not stand in the fire. you’re a FULLY ARMORED PALADIN TANK how are you dying so quic—wait a minute. shiro. shiro why are you still wearing your level 1 starting gear.”

however, he finds out that the server they’re playing on has a roleplaying community! he figures he doesnt need swift reflexes to roleplay, so he starts dipping his toe into RP and discovers he really likes it. he enjoys writing stories about his heroic character, and enjoys combining those stories with the stories of other people he meets in the game. it’s like collaborative fantasy fiction writing, and it quickly becomes a passion of his

pidge and matt tease him endlessly for it. hunk is an angel and is very supportive of shiro’s new hobby. he is the only one who will listen to shiro gush about his character. unfortunately when shiro designed the character, he did not have a good grasp on roleplay, so the character is goofy looking and has an overly dramatic backstory involving dragons and a lost royal bloodline. hunk kindly chooses not to comment on it, and instead helps him develop new ideas and plots for his character’s adventures

eventually shiro manages to convince hunk to give RP a try. hunk is very careful and does a lot of research on the Voltron universe lore. he reads all the fanmade wiki pages, roleplaying guides on the game forums, etc., until he feels confident he can create a good character. he does (and eventually goes on to be a popular community figure who hosts huge server events and is friends with literally everyone, but that is several months down the line), and he and shiro begin their roleplaying adventures together

hunk gets Really Into It. fast. like faster than shiro. and he takes it SERIOUSLY; he is a total lore nerd & WILL tell you (in a very gentle, caring tone) if your character’s story/actions do not comply with the game’s established lore

“your character’s outfit is so cool! btw tho, I noticed you mentioned your character was born in the castle of lions—just wanted to let you know, it was actually only rediscovered and unlocked about 10 years ago in the game’s timeline, so it wouldn’t really make work for your character to be born there, since they’re 27 D: but if you want I can help you come up with a different birthplace :)”

keith, lance, and allura had thus far managed to resist the voltron bug. they just aren’t into mmorpg stuff, they insist. single-player games, sure, but open-world multi-player? sounds weird

lance falls first. Hunk hits him with the puppy dog eyes and its all over for him

he creates the most ridiculously beautiful character he can

“i dont care about whether my guy is a freaking dps or not, hunk, i need him to have an ass like a kardashian. WHERE IS THE BUTT SLIDER HUNK. i have a NICE ASS and i want it IMMORTALIZED IN PIXEL FORM”

he does, in fact, end up picking dps. hunk shows him the archer class and he lights up like a christmas tree

“i know you always wanted to bone legolas, so”

“i wanted to BE legolas, not BONE him, HUNK”

“sure lance”

allura falls next. her and lance’s weekly “self-care spa sessions” turn into lance rambling about all the wacky stuff he and hunk and shiro got up to that week, and she eventually cracks under the pressure because she Hates when there’s a new fad and she doesn’t understand it

“and then this guy came up to us and started roleplaying with us in ALL LOWER CASE and shiro and i wanted to d i e but hunk was all ‘nooo he’s just a newbie in need of some pointers’ and then spent the next TWENTY FREAKING MINUTES giving this guy tips and tricks about grammar and punctuation–”

within 2 days she has gotten almost halfway through leveling her new druid healer because she is Determined damn it

coran, allura’s uncle, also begins playing shortly thereafter. allura never says why exactly, but it does seem to be a direct result of her influence somehow. he plays a gunslinger class because he’s “always wanted to be a ‘rooting & tooting cowboy,’ as you call it!”

for whatever reason, he is Very Good at the game, like freakishly skilled. everyone is kind of afraid to question it so they just accept it and move on

he and pidge are really the only ones who are focusing on the actual game content anymore, so they start doing high-level raids together and then begin to gain something of a reputation as a terrifying duo in player-versus-player combat.

keith is resilient. he is a notoriously stubborn boy and no amount of puppy dog eyes from hunk or persuasive lectures from shiro will convince him to step outside his comfort zone

but lance, well. lance knows exactly how to get keith to do what he wants

“i bet you just know my character’s way cooler than yours would be”

“?? no. i literally dont care about your character or anybody else's”

“huh. guess i will just always be better at video games than you”

“are you seriously still trying to hold your killbot phantasm score over my head. you got lucky”

“i am the peerless king of video games–”

“are you listening to yourself. do you actually hear the words coming from your mouth.”

“–undefeated because you are too much of a coward–”

“fuck OFF send me the fucking download link you loudmouth”

keith takes. forever. to design his character.

lance is leaning over the back of keith’s chair, giving outrageous suggestions (and blatant lies) that keith pointedly ignores

“keith. keith if you give him neon orange hair it boosts your speed, did you know that?”

“choosing big ears gives you greater perception stats keith”

“keith listen to me, you gain the ability to breathe underwater if you choose a broken nose—OW, what the hell–”

keith takes SO LONG that eventually lance has to leave for dance lessons and when he gets back keith is only JUST finishing up

turns out he took so long because he wanted to use every resource available in the game to make the character look like a carbon copy of himself. the end result would have been impressive if it wasn’t so eerily accurate

“you’re seriously naming him keith kogane.”

“it’s my name!”

“keith it’s a ROLEPLAYING game. you’re supposed to play a ROLE”

“and my role is keith kogane.”

“that doesnt even fit the naming conventions for the humans in this game! hunk would be having a FIT right now if he was here”

“good thing he’s not”

keith selects the warrior class because, as lance repeatedly and petulantly insists, he is a “boring basic bitch fuckboy”

“im the fuckboy?? thats rich coming from a guy who plays an archer because he has a big fat crush on orlando bloom in a blond wig”

“HUNK is spreading LIES okay I do NOT have a cru–”

“i dont know what you see in him. he’s literally just a white lotor”

“you TAKE THAT BACK”

to be continued :)

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Psycho Analysis: The Pillar Men

(WARNING! This analysis contains SPOILERS!)

“Awaken my masters!”

Sometimes it’s really hard to divide a villain team into singular entries to cover on Psycho Analysis; the characters are just too intrinsically linked to take apart and do individually. So, the easy answer to this problem is to just do the whole group together! And considering these guys come right out and make their big debut by striking a pose together, how can I not group them together?

The Pillar Men are the major antagonists of the second (and objectively one of the best) parts of JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. The trio consists of sinister and mysterious leader Kars, crafty and determined second-in-command Esidisi, and loyal and noble warrior Wamuu, and they pose one of the greatest threats in all of the JoJo canon on account of being enormous, ridiculously buff ancient Aztec vampires with insanely bizarre powers.

Oh, and Kars is the one who made the mask that turned Dio, thereby making Kars a greater scope villain for the entire franchise, so there’s that too.

Of course, while they’re all a serious threat, they aren’t really totally equal in terms of quality. Just watching the show it’s easy to tell who the more interesting Pillar Men are, though I will say all of them are good villains.

Actor: Kars is portrayed by John DeMita, who has had a long history voice acting smaller roles; Esidisi is portrayed by Chris Jai Alex, whose biggest role to date aside from this is Panthro in ThunderCats Roar; Wamuu is voiced by Paul St. Peter, who is probably the most famous of the three as he is the voice behind Xemnas of Kingdom Hearts fame, Kurama in Naruto media since 2014, and perhaps most surprisingly (and amazingly) of all, Wormmon in Digimon Adventure 02. All three do excellent jobs, with their voices really helping sell the character of the Pillar Man they’re voicing, and generally speaking they seem to be considered some of the best-voiced characters in the dub.

Motivation/Goals: The Pillar Men share one simple goal: they desire to obtain the stone mask and the Red Stone of Aja and combine them so that they may become the ultimate lifeforms, thus becoming invincible. This seems like a really good plan… but, frankly, it also seems like overkill considering these guys are basically godly powerful right off the bat, their only major weakness being sunlight. I suppose wanting to find and eradicate your only weakness is a smart goal, and the fact you become a literal god on top of that is icing on the cake.

Personality: Wamuu and Esidisi both really shine in the personality department, while Kars, unfortunately, hangs behind the two. Wamuu especially is a very interesting character, being the most honorable and noble of the Pillar Men; from his allowing Caesar’s blood bubble headband to continue to exist to his constant playing fair in his fights, Wamuu easily cements himself as one of the most affable antagonists in the franchise, to the point where he and Joseph basically become friends as he dies. His code of honor, fierce loyalty, and sheer badassery makes him a lot of fun to watch.

Esidisi is not quite as nice or honorable as Wamuu; considering he posessed the body of an innocent girl just so he could try one final suicide attack after his initial defeat shows he’s not afraid to be a bit underhanded, as does his crying psych out trick. And yet, that being said, Esidisi is still a pretty honorable villain in his own right, and much like Wamuu he does view Joseph as a very worthy adversary. The lengths he goes to aid his fellow Pillar Men indicates he does have a fondness for them, one that is seemingly reciprocated, and this sort of villainous friendship is always nice to see. While definitely more pragmatic and tricky than Whamuu, there’s no denying Esidisi was a worthy foe.

Kars… is odd. As the leader and the final foe to be faced in the story, he spends much of the series mysterious, his nature and motives shrouded in mystery. However, unlike DIO or Yoshikage Kira, we never really do get much of a sense of who Kars is in comparison to his fellow Pillar Men until the very end of this part. What we do get ultimately ends up being contradicted as well; his love of the natural world, for instance, shown best when he kills drunk drivers to save a dog and overcomplicates a landing to avoid crushing flowers, is tossed out the window when he becomes the Ultimate Life Form and allows his squirrel hand to kill another squirrel. He also puts up an act of being honorable and noble like his subordinates, but it’s all seemingly for show, as he goes back on his word when it suits him and he plays dirty and sadistically. Even his love for his fellow Pillar Men is a bit iffy; while it’s pretty obvious that he did care for Wamuu and Esidisi, and he told Joseph he would avenge them after their deaths, he does at one point pretty callously dismiss Santana, a Pillar Man he himself had raised. Kars’ personality just seems to flip flop back and forth when it suits him, and putting that aside he’s just a bit too mysterious and vague for his own good.

However, if nothing else, Kars shares one trait with his fellow Pillar Men: he is undeniably over-the-top and hammy to an absurd degree when the scene calls for it, and that honestly does redeem him at least a bit. And what little we do get about his origins and the source of his motivations is pretty interesting and makes a lot of sense. It just comes a bit too late for his own good.

Final Fate: All three Pillar Men meet their end in this part. Esidisi diees first; after being reduced to little more than a brain and some blood vessels, he is vaporized by sunlight after trying to steal Suzie Q.’s body. Wamuu is defeated in one-on-one combat between himself and Joseph, with his dying moments cementing how honorable he is and showcasing the culmination of his relationship with Joseph. Kars has the most sever and disturbing fate of all three; after becoming the Ultimate Lifeform and being blasted into space by sheer accident, his adaptive abilities kick in and put him into a state of hibernation to save him from the cold, airless vacuum of space. Unable to move and trapped entirely as he drifts further and further away, Kars eventually ceases thinking to cope with this horrible situation.

Best Scene: As a group, there is no better scene with all three than their introduction, in which upon waking up for the first time in thousands of years, all three of them strike a dramatic pose together. It is one of the most JoJo moments you will ever witness.

Individually, Wamuu has his final battle and ultimate death against Joseph, which cements his status as the very best Pillar Man with his noble and badass qualities on full display. 

Esidisi has the scene where he breaks out crying to psych Joseph out, a weird and iconic trait of the character that was even adapted as a taunt in All-Star Battle. 

And Kars has the moment where he decides to strum the opening notes of “Roandabout” on Lisa Lisa’s legs solely to piss off Joseph.

Best Quote: Wamuu’s best quote is the one used to introduce this Psycho Analysis, and the one used to introduce the Pillar Men as a whole: “Awaken, my masters!”

Esidisi gets this when he turns Joseph’s signature trick on him: “Next you'll say, ‘I'm going to wipe that smirk off your face!’ Watch.” This is only improved when Joseph responds with exactly that and then calls him out on stealing his tricks.

Kars gets this after the Pillar Men give their wedding rings to Joseph: “Let us keep moving. Apparently the human race has regressed rather than evolved.”

Final Thoughts & Score: The Pillar Men are really fun antagonists. They bring a level of seriousness and drama to the story that plays well off of Joseph’s goofy and eccentric personality, while not being entirely above goofiness themselves; I mean, Esidisi’s sobbing trick and Kars turning his hand into a squirrel are both things that happened, after all. And on top of all of that, they take the overly buff and macho aesthetic of early JoJo to its ludicrous, logical extreme with their awesomely god-like builds. They’re not called “The Aztec Gods of Fitness” by fans for nothing.

As I mentioned though, some of the Pillar Men are just more interesting than others. Unsurprisingly, Wamuu is a 10/10; with his excellent voice acting, his defined and noble personality, and his strange yet compelling relationship with Joseph make him one of the most notable antagonists in the entire franchise, and he’s not even the big bad!

Esidisi scores an 8/10. He’s not quite as impressive as Wamuu is, but he’s still pretty awesome in his own right. His incredible determination and love for his comrades to the point where he just refused to die for a bit solely to make their lives a little easier is honestly a bit inspiring and a great show of his true character. The fact he fights with his own blood veins is also ridiculously cool and disgusting all at once. Kars… I am giving a 6/10. He has a reputation of being one of the more base-breaking villains of the franchise, though definitely not to the extent of Diavolo, and it is a bit easy to see why. Kars is a bit too mysterious for his own good, and what little we do see of him seems to get dropped whenever it suits his mood. All that aside, there really is no denying that what we do learn about him is relatively interesting, and when he finally cuts loose towards the end and starts hamming it up, he honestly does live up to the precedent set by his cohorts. Still, I can’t pretend like he’s not overshadowed a lot by Esidisi and Wamuu; they’re just a lot more fun as antagonists. At the very least Kars is a lot of fun to play as in All-Star Battle, though his GHA really is a pain to pull off.

No matter the individual quality level though, as the collective big bads of this part of the Joestar Saga the Pillar Men are all some of the most interesting and unique foes in the series. I think what’s most impressive is that the series somehow managed to top these guys with nearly every villain after this. You heard right, this series gave giant ancient Aztec vampires with incredibly strange body powers and with one of them literally becoming the ultimate lifeform in the second part of eight and counting, and yet somehow they still managed to keep escalating the villains from here to ludicrous extremes, with a bisexual psychopathic egomaniac vampire who can stop time, a hand-fetishizing serial killer who can turn things into bombs and rewind time, a paranoid mafia don with multiple personalities  and the ability to erase short chunks of time, a gay priest who has a thing for prime numbers and wants to reset the universe for his vampire boyfriend, and a dimension-hopping United States president who wants to collect the pieces of Jesus Christ’s corpse to attain ultimate power all following as big bads.

It really is that sort of series. And when the series is like that, it’s better to start embracing how crazy and over-the-top you are early on, and what better way to do that than with Aztec super vampires? The Pillar Men are a great way to ease people in to the insanity that would follow, being a perfect mix of down-to-earth understandable weirdness and out-there bonkers wackiness. Much like Forever after, they marked a point where the series really started shaping up into the one we all know and love by truly creating and embracing its identity. For that, they definitely deserve a lot of respect.

UPDATE: The only real change here is that Wammu gets bumped down to a 9/10. This is mainly because, as amazing as Wammu is, he’s still not quite on the level as villains like DIO or Kira in terms of iconicness. I wish he was, but sadly we do not live in that world.