#that anxious-avoidant attachment style is really making herself known | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

misslilli · 3 years ago

Text

Felix Felicis

MSR. AU. PG-13. | tagging @today-in-fic | read on AO3

Chapter 21 - The Halloween Fair

[ DS ]

On the afternoon of the Halloween fair, I take out the costume that Miss Hannigan picked out for me from the closet. Ever since I’ve got it, I’m beyond excited to wear it. It’s a black low-cut shirt, a white, checkered suit with a blazer that ties at the waist and a flaring skirt. As I put on the blonde wig and the black beret, I turn to the mirror channeling my best inner Faye Dunaway and say to myself in a breathy, southern lilt: “My, my, don’t you just look dandy, Miss Bonnie Parker!”

My friends have been roped into manning the booths of the fair and somehow, I’ve slipped under the town people’s radars, which leaves me able to roam around the fair, albeit alone. Since I’ve known most people in this town ever since I was little, I’m never actually alone at these happenings, people tend to just pull me into their conversation as I walk by. But as luck will have it, as I’m rounding one of the booths of the fair, I find myself face to face with the one person I had secretly hoped to see.

He’s wearing a brown tweed suit with a matching waistcoat and over the white collared shirt he’s tied an emerald green tie. Perched on his head is a white fedora. ‘Shit. He’s Clyde. What the fuck?’

We stop in our tracks and stare at each other for a moment, taking in our respective costumes. He’s the first one to regain his ability to speak.

“Hey Bonnie, the laws are outside, they’re blockin’ the driveway!” His Warren Beatty impression is perfect right down to the Texan drawl. ‘God help me…’

“Gosh, I hope you’ve parked the getaway car around the corner, Clyde!” I’m putting on my best Faye Dunaway impression again as I add a wink to my statement and just continue to walk past him. My heart thumping hard against my chest betrays my cool exterior, but that’s my secret and my secret alone.

----------

[ FM ]

When we finally get to the Halloween fair that Felix has roped me into, dressed up in a costume I didn’t even pick myself. We trail the grounds together and we’re drawn to the candy apple booth. Well actually, Felix draws us to this exact booth, the little sneak, but I can’t resist his pout and pleading eyes, so we end up getting an apple each. Munching away happily, his mouth full, he asks the question I’ve been too scared to ask myself: “Hey dad, do you think Miss Scully is here too with her friends?” I hope she is, if only to see what kind of costume she has picked out for herself, but I can’t tell Felix that. Instead, I just shrug and we continue our stroll across the town square.

When we round another booth, we both stop in our tracks as we see a blonde woman appear before us , dressed in a checkered suit and a beret on her head. ‘Bonnie. She’s the freakin’ Bonnie to your Clyde. Your sidekick. No, your partner in crime. The woman you love. In the movie of course. Insert awkward cough.’.

Felix is oblivious of course, he hasn’t seen the movies and I doubt he even knows what my costume is, let alone Miss Scully’s. I scrape together the last braincells that are left in my head and a stupid movie quote is the only thing I can think of at this moment.

“Hey Bonnie, the laws are outside, they’re blockin’ the driveway!” The retort she gives me combined with her wink render me speechless until she’s well past me and Felix, mingling with the small crowd that welcomes her into their midst just a few feet away from us.

Felix does the thing I wish I could bring myself to do, staring at her retreating form in wonder and he also speaks the words that have sprung to my own mind.

“Wow!”

----------

[ DS ]

Countless conversations later and a little tipsy on the delicious apple cider they always serve at the Halloween fair, I wander along the booths when I hear a voice I haven’t heard in over a year. And could’ve gone forever not hearing again. It’s my ex-whatever Steve, talking to one of his friends.

I’m hidden pretty well in the crowd of people due to my shortness but I can still catch flashes of their conversation. When I hear my name, I stop, straining my ears.

“Dana? Oh God, no. She’s not even close to being a serious contender for a relationship.” I wince at his statement as well as the tone of his voice. “She’s just always there, you know? Like a well trained Golden Retriever, I say the word and she comes running. Such an easy lay!” When they share a laugh I can feel the flush of shame and anger crawl up my neck.

The situation he describes is exactly what I’ve spent countless hours in therapy getting over. But what he says next really drives a stake through my heart. “It’s so pathetic, but if it’s what I have to do to get laid, whatever. She’s even dirtier in bed than any hot teacher fantasy you could ever imagine and what they say about good Catholic girls is very, very accurate, if you know what I mean!”

If he weren’t the demon I have to face every time I try to get over my past, I would’ve revealed myself and give his ass a good kicking for talking about me the way he has. But not knowing how I’ll react to being face-to-face with him, I stay hidden behind a group of mummies and zombies like a fucking coward.

I’m so furious with him and myself for not being able to stand up to him. Where the hell are my friends when I need them? I haven’t seen them all evening and I could really use their company to talk some sense into me. Since they’re nowhere to be found, I head towards the bar set up in the back and slide onto a stool, ordering a shot of Tequila. ‘Fuck it! That low-life is not even worth your time of day!’

On the surface, I’m so angry I want to set this whole damn place on fire, but deep down, the past hurt resurfaces to join the hurt from his words I just heard.

By the time I’ve downed my second shot, I’ve repeated the mantra that I’m a strong woman who’s better off without men in my head about a thousand times. I see someone slide onto the stool next to me out of the corner of my eye as I order another shot of Tequila to keep the two empty glasses in front of me company.

“A third shot of Tequila is just asking for trouble, if you ask me.” I turn my head slowly towards my bar-mate to tell him exactly where to shove his smart-ass remark when I’m faced with my supposed partner in crime, the charming one with the disarmingly innocent smile on his stupid face. I’m staring him down defiantly, my eyes never leaving his while the bartender places my glass in front of me and I grab it, downing it in a swift motion, daring him in my mind to say anything else. He doesn’t comment, good for him, and orders a shot for himself, just raising his glass silently and I clink it with my empty one – I’m tipsy, not insane, chasing one shot with another.

We’re staring straight ahead during our conversation, turning our glasses over and over between our fingers.

“Which guy seems to be the problem and how many rounds of ammo do I need to take him out?,” he asks after minutes of silence. I want to lean into him for just assuming that it’s a man that has me sitting here seething, but unfortunately, he’s right. This one time.

“How many rounds you got?” He scoffs at that.

“Plenty. And I know of exactly eleven ways to get rid of a body without raising suspicion.”

“And here I was thinking the FBI frowned upon their employees giving out top-level secrets on how to hide away evidence of a crime committed.”

“I’m not going to tell you, I wouldn’t want you to be held in contempt of Congress when questioned.”

“How do you know I wouldn’t rat you out when questioned by Congress?”

“Just a hunch… Talk to me, Red. What happened tonight?” He turns towards me and I can feel his gaze dancing over the skin of my face.

“You really want to know? Well, turns out the asshole of an ex of mine decided that today might be the perfect time to make an encore appearance in my life and reminded me again why I should’ve kicked him to the curb a long time ago instead of hoping I could change him.” Looking down at the bar, I trace my finger through the condensation drops, my anger slowly dissipating and my voice growing more and more quiet. “I heard him say some pretty awful things about me tonight.”

I relax into his hand when he places it comfortingly on my back, right between my shoulder blades, and huff out a sigh. “I’m sorry.,” is the only thing he says, but doesn’t add anything else, giving me the choice if I wanted to elaborate or not.

“What I witnessed today was the way he’s always been but I just couldn’t see through the masquerade of the sweet guy, he was so kind and said all the right things and he quite literally wooed the pants off me from the get-go.”

“Love bombing.” ‘Oh yeah, I forgot, you’re a profiler. You probably already got one worked out for me, trust-issues, anxious attachment style, possibly daddy issues, in short, a hot mess. Avoid at all costs.’

“Pretty much, yeah. And I was stupid enough to believe it.” I raise my hand to call over the bartender for another round.

“You’re not stupid. It’s hard to tell the difference between genuine interest and love bombing in the beginning.” ‘Yeah, no shit Sherlock. It’s exactly why I’m sitting here torn between wanting you to make a pass at me and being absolutely terrified that you actually will.’

“How about we pass on the shots and get some water instead before calling it a night?”

“I think that’s probably a good idea, Mr. Mulder!”

“You know, after tonight, what do you say we just drop the Mister?” I nods slowly, pursing my lips.

“So just Fox?” He makes a pained face.

“No, please don’t. Just Mulder is fine.”

“Mh-hm. I guess since we’re dropping the titles, that that makes me Scully? Little odd, but alright!”

We get the check and argue back and forth about who gets to pay, him putting an end to it with a firm “Will you give it a rest, you’ll get to pick up the next check!��.

In my attempt to slide off the barstool gracefully despite three tequila shots, my heel catches onto the rail at the bottom and I stumble over the stool, knocking it over in the process. I have only his quick reflexes to thank that I don’t follow suit, his arms catching me around my waist and pulling me upright again.

He has the audacity to laugh, the bastard, and I’m beyond mortified. “Easy there, partner! Do you need a ride home? Felix is at a pajama party at his friend Suzie’s house, so I’m free to be your pumpkin carriage for tonight.” ‘NO! Yes? No. Get your hands off me. Don’t let go just yet.’

I’m so confused at the tug of war in my fuzzy head but I hate getting a cab alone and I’m in heels on top of being tipsy, I don’t want to walk home alone at night.

As we walk out, his hand finds his way to the small of my back guiding me through the crowds while making sure I don’t stumble again.

On the drive to the beach house, I manage not to fall asleep despite how tired I feel, too afraid of snoring or, God forbid, drooling onto myself. His hands find my back again guiding me up the stairs to the front door and I turn to face him at the top, even more nervous.

“Thanks for the ride, Mulder. And for listening.”

“Anytime, Scully. Good night!”

When he leans in, I start to panic that this is it and I think it shows on my face, because he only kisses my cheek, just like I did after the birthday party before getting back in the car and heading home. I can’t decide if I’m relieved or disappointed.

I can’t ignore the flutter of excitement every time his hands land anywhere on my body but what I will absolutely deny, even to myself, is the way my heart constricts in my chest when he gazes at me that way and the sense of comfort that settles over me when we’re together.

Bodily reactions I can deal with, it’s when it comes to emotions is where it gets scary.

I just don’t think my heart can survive another Steve.

#xf #the x files #xf fanfic #msr #felix felicis #🥺

15 notes · View notes

atlaskat · 5 years ago

Text

Bakugou Katsuki -- psychological analysis (meta)

I’m not a psychologist, just a social science student studying for an exam, so take this with a grain of salt.

I’m also not totally up to date with the manga (I’ve read up until volume 17). Please feel free to add your own thoughts in the replies if you want to, or call me out if I make a mistake.

------

I won’t be speaking too much on biological factors, but I think it might be good to just go through some thoughts I have on the matter. In psychological theory, there’s something called “temperament”, which is essentially a child’s most basic form of relating to the world. A well-known experiment on temperament is the famous Marshmallow experiment, where small children were presented with a marshmallow. If they could wait a certain amount of time without eating it, they would receive one more. Follow-up studies on these children showed that those which showed restraint and could wait for the marshmallow had generally gotten further in life -- these children often developed the capability of making and sticking to long-term plans, and were able to work much more methodically than their peers.

I think Katsuki would be one of the children that waited for another marshmallow. At first glance, he seems very impulsive, rushing into battle and relying on his brute force -- but I’m actually very sure that this characteristic is part of his later development, and not part of his temperament. The reason I believe this is because he shows a very clear understanding of a much bigger and long-term picture. He is very committed to becoming a hero, and this commitment entails behavior which isn’t completely typical for people his age (such as studying hard, never slacking off despite his delinquent-like persona -- even in middle school --, sleeping early, training very hard to maintain his physical condition even as a young teen, etc). This shows his self-restraint, and his ability to plan ahead.

(I’m aware that the amount of pressure to do well in education is very different in many Asian countries, but compare Katsuki to for example Kaminari -- who also wants to be a hero, but is at the bottom of his class and doesn’t seem very good at planning or studying hard. What I think is most important here is to highlight Katsuki’s commitment).

I would also argue that heritability play a role in Katsuki’s personality and cognition. Intelligence and capability to learn have some hereditary factors, which I think apply to Katsuki. It’s difficult to say what came first in this regard though -- a child might be born with a slight affinity for learning (being able to memorize things quickly could be such a trait), but this doesn’t mean they become “smarter” because of it. In this specific case, the humanistic approach of “without the right support and challenge, no child will reach their full potential” is applicable.

Still, I think Katsuki was born with at least some higher capability to grasp new concepts, which I think plays a part in his, at least partial, understanding of what it takes to not just get on top but actually stay there. Quickly memorizing new information could also play a part in the way others view him -- thinking he’s skilled, amazing, even as a small child -- which in turn fuel both his willingness to learn and his ego. I think his kindergarten years are hugely important, more on it later.

The last thing I would like to say Katsuki was born with is extroversion. This personality trait can be studied in the brain -- the “reward systems” of the brain (mainly dopamine production and the middle brain as well as around nucleus accumbens) react stronger to positive emotions. I say “born with” because of its clear hereditary implications (and as I think this trait comes from his mother Mitsuki. However, it’s possible to theorize that instead of being born with extroversion, Katsuki was born more or less without neuroticism, which occurs when the activity of the amygdala is higher than normal. This leads people to be more anxious, cautious, and avoid situations which might cause unpleasant emotions). Katsuki was very young (2-4 years old) when he first began enjoying being the center of attention, which I think shows he was born with extroversion.

Katsuki’s attachment style Since we haven’t seen that many interactions between Katsuki hand his family, especially not as a child, this part will contain a lot of my own theories and headcanons, sorry about that.

Attachment styles are easily perceived phenomenons studied in depth by Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby. Ainsworth noted that a child’s style of attachment manifests itself in two primary forms:

Stranger anxiety and separation anxiety. After 6 months of age a child will show an autonomous need to be close to, or seek comfort in, their “object of attachment”, usually a parent (often the mother). This need becomes apparent when the child is introduced to a stranger, or left alone, through signs of stress/anxiety.

Ainsworth devised a test to study these anxieties -- the “Strange Situation”. The test looks like this:

The child arrives in a new room together with the mother

A stranger appears

The child is left alone with the stranger

The stranger leaves

The mother returns

All in all this only took three minutes. The most interesting part was the child’s reaction once the mother came back -- its attachment style was most clear then.

Children usually have one main attachment style, which have two categories with a few subcategories. Secure attachment The child clearly prefers the mother to the stranger. It might cry or be anxious while the mother is gone, but stops as soon as she returns. These children go on to use their object of attachment as a secure base while they explore the world, meaning they return to seek comfort if they experience something negative, but quickly recover.

Later in life, these people can regulate emotions with more ease. They also cope better with adversity, and are able to connect better with people their age (forming deeper relationships). I believe Izuku was a securely attached child. Insecure attachment This form is more complicated. It has three main categories:

1. Resistant attachment The child has attached itself to in this case the mother, but the attachment is less stable. The child is anxious to let the mother out of sight -- doesn’t trust she will come back. The child may continue crying even after the mother returns and cradles it. 2. Avoidant attachment The child, generally doesn’t cry and doesn’t show its physical/emotional needs. Often it will act a bit aloof -- avoiding or completely ignoring the mother. It will act similarly towards the mother as with the stranger. These children have learned that their natural behaviors to attract attention from their objects of attachment will lead to rejection, so they suppress the needs for affection/comfort. More often than not they still experience the same levels of anxiety as other children, but don’t seek their parents to soothe them.

Disorganized attachment The child shows a lot of contradictory behavior, such as crying to be picked up, but immediately wanting to be let down again, often as a result of being scared of their object of attachment. People who were insecurely attached as children generally have more emotional problems, and are at higher risk for mental illness. I believe Katsuki had an avoidant attachment style. The attachment style of a child is largely based on the behavior of the object(s) of attachment, the parents. Insecure attachment is usually the result of parents not understanding/being unable to provide the comfort their infants seek. My theory is that Mitsuki is, like her son, a very determined and career-driven person. Like I’ve said before, I think she’s extroverted, but I also believe that she doesn’t easily connect deeply on an emotional level with people. This could be a result of how she herself was treated as a child -- as we tend to mimic our own parents -- or simply just her personality. Her own emotional needs might not take up a big part of her life, or she doesn’t really need others to comfort her, which in turn means she might assume others are the same. Ainsworth had a few criteria for a “good parent”:

1. Responsive 2. Permissive 3. Cooperative 4. Psychologically available

I think Mitsuki was, or is, lacking in most/all of these. Clearly, from what we’ve seen, she’s stubborn and knuckle-headed -- while she might have been responsive to baby Katsuki, she might not have known how to handle things beside his clear physical needs, like keeping him fed and clean. If she was also working during this period, as I would definitely assume (considering her job as a fashion designer and how well-off the family is; they live in a huge house), her availability might have suffered. Think like this:

- Mitsuki is tired, but has to finish work - Katsuki begins crying - Mitsuki changes his diaper and feeds him, but puts him down again to work - Katsuki starts crying after only a little while, but nothing ‘looks’ wrong (he’s fed, clean, warm, etc) so Mitsuki goes back to work - Katsuki continues crying, which frustrates Mitsuki because ‘nothing is wrong’; she might snap -- such as yelling, ignoring Katsuki further, or leaving the room entirely. As Katsuki begins to speak (let’s say at around 1,5 years), he might try to achieve emotional closeness by showing her his toys, trying to talk to her/play with her. If he is already ‘extroverted’ by this point he will be a lot more vocal than a timid child his age. If he hurts himself, or becomes scared, he probably tries to get Mitsuki’s attention at first, and I think this is where her biggest mistake might’ve lied. Based on how she treats Katsuki being kidnapped by the League of Villains I believe she disregards a lot of comfort-seeking behaviors as weakness.

“When you get down to it, you got taken and inconvenienced everybody cuz you’re so weak!!” I think this shows clearly how Mitsuki herself feels. Of course she worried for her son’s safety, but worrying about someone in itself is an inconvenience to her. She equates her own worrying with other people’s weakness -- if only people weren’t so weak, she wouldn’t have to be inconvenienced by worry. Mitsuki, like any parent, never wanted anything bad to happen to Katsuki. She was probably very aware that the world could be a dangerous place, so she tried to eradicate any ‘weakness’ within her own child so as he couldn’t be hurt by the world. I’m not sure where to place Masaru, Katsuki’s father, in all of this. A child can have several objects of attachment, but Bowlby expressed that usually there is a sort of hierarchy in the attachments themselves. For example, the child might favor one parent for playing, but prefer the other if they become scared. I think Mitsuki simply was the more important object of attachment in this case (this can be a result of having more skin-to-skin contact in the first months, or Masaru could for example have been working a lot of the time). Izuku on the other hand became securely attached to his mother Inko, as I think Inko is very emotional and open as a person. While the scene where Izuku cries about not having a quirk comes when he is about 4 years old, I still think this shows clearly that he seeks comfort in his mother. So, a little TL;DR before the next point: Katsuki was an ‘extroverted’ baby, who experienced a lot of emotional rejection from his mother very early on, which made him suppress his needs -- perhaps unconsciously starting to share his mother’s view on emotionality itself (and his own need for help at times) as weakness. Erikson’s life stages and Piaget’s cognitive development Another model I’ll be using is Erikson’s life stages as well as a theory by Piaget. We’ve passed the first life stage -- infant (0 - 1,5 years). This is where Erikson means that the child will develop a basic way of relating to the world: positive (the world is a place where my needs are met) or negative (the world is a place where I feel alone). Right before starting kindergarten I think Katsuki had developed the negative view, even though he was an ‘extroverted’ baby, as a result of his attachment style. - Izuku, on the other hand, developed the positive one. This meant he had a fundamental sense of hope for the world, which is very important later in life. The second stage -- toddler (1,5 - 3 years). Starting kindergarten is an extremely important step in Katsuki’s development. I think he would’ve been completely different without it -- I really can’t stress this enough. Avoidant-attached children will have to fulfill their needs somehow -- usually through validation from sources beside the object of attachment. ‘Avoidants’ can become narcissistic and overly confident, all as a means to protect themselves. This is exactly what happened with Katsuki, let me explain: As I’ve already explained, I think he was born with both extroverted qualities and an affinity for learning new things. His innate temperament was also perseverance. His avoidant attachment meant that it was seemingly very easy for him to be separated from his mother to go to kindergarten, although at the start, his negative view of the world might’ve made him cold/closed off. The kindergarten personnel catered to him, though. Through a lot of positive reinforcement (to which he is especially sensitive as of his extroversion), attention, and frequent intelligence-related challenges (such as new and complicated games, learning to read, etc) Katsuki developed a more positive outlook. According to Erikson, if one stage of life doesn’t “succeed”, it can be recuperated later, which I believe is what happened here. Where I think the kindergarten fell short however is with too much praise, or very easily letting Katsuki off the hook. I believe they saw very much potential in Katsuki from a young age -- perhaps because of this they were too eager to inforce how amazing they thought he was. Often times, we think that anger should be “released” and not repressed. We should get it out of our system, so to speak. However -- counter-intuitively -- we shouldn’t actually do this. Borrowing from the cognitive approach to psychology, the more often we think a certain thought or behave in a certain way, the stronger that mental connection becomes. I think Katsuki, because of his avoidant attachment, might’ve acted really aggressively as a child too. Instead of giving him strategies to cope with his anger the kindergarten teachers probably encouraged him to “release” it, which just made this cognitive scheme easier to access. Thus more likely to be activated again. Children who feel that their opinions and ideas are interesting and valuable will become more sociable, and take more charge, while children with overprotective carers will start doubting their own abilities. Where Mitsuki wasn’t able to do right, the kindergarten picked up the slack and followed Katsuki’s whims to encourage him. He probably developed really quickly, which probably stunned the teachers and carers. The adults’ attention fueled his confidence and ego, and this drew other children to him, which meant more attention.

According to Bandura and Skinner, both real consequences, imagined ones, and reinforcement dictate personality as well as social interactions. Sometimes though, something called “observational learning” occurs, in which no reinforcement is needed. A child often learns behavior by imitating something someone else does, and I’m not excluding this as a possibility to explain Katsuki’s bias/bigotry against quirkless people. Of course, cognitive bias also plays a major part here. As humans, we are wired to look for details which inforce our worldview.

Bandura’s model of reciprocal determinism. The individual and the environment affect each other mutually. This is part both of how Katsuki grows egotistical, and also his disdain for Izuku. Another important factor of personality is expectation. If an individual expects to be able to change the environment, they are more likely to attempt to do this. Without kindergarten intervention I believe Katsuki would have become a pessimistic, unmotivated person. Third stage (3 - 5 years) By this point Katsuki had already replaced his emotional needs and attachment to his mother with attention and admiration from his kindergarten peers/teachers (feeling superior to others). During this stage the child is supposed to develop a sort of pride of their own abilities. Katsuki was already an independent child (also because of being an ‘avoidant’), but this is where it might’ve went a little overboard. The development of his quirk was, as we all know, a turning point in both Katsuki’s view of himself/the world and his relationship to Izuku. This is mainly because of the quirk development. I’ve already stated that the kindergarten let too much slide -- the bullying of Izuku started even before the quirk development -- but now that becomes more important, as Katsuki was now capable of doing a lot more damage. Developing the quirk solidified Katsuki’s inflated ego -- now he was sure that he was the most awesome kid alive. It also solidified Izuku’s worthlessness to him (of course, if Izuku wasn’t useless, surely he should’ve developed a good quirk too?), which is how “Deku” came to be. At the same time, Izuku “needed help with everything”, but he was also really helpful towards others. He was sensitive, emotional, but still brave -- someone like that was worrying to Katsuki even back then. Katsuki -- an ‘avoidant’ -- repressed his needs, while Izuku indulged in them, openly showing this ‘weakness’. This is where Piaget’s theory comes in. According to the theory, people develop “schemata” and “concepts” which are cognitive structures.

1. A schema is a mental representation which covers a range of behaviors, e.g.: a child learns to pick up a bottle. It learns that it can pick up other things too, so the action of picking something up becomes a schema. 2. A concept is a mental structure which relates to the environment. A concept of an object entails for example what that object does, what it’s used for, and its relation to other objects. Children develop concepts and schemata very early on, and after that there are two processes which occur heavily in the first few years, and then continue throughout life: 1. Assimilation -- new information is modified to fit existing schemata/concepts. For example, a child making engine sounds while playing with a block of wood has assimilated the block into their concept of a car.

2. Accommodation -- the new information can’t fit into existing schemata/concepts, so new ones have to be made. This is part of changing worldviews -- let’s say a little boy only has two categories for animals: birds and fish. But then he sees a dog. If he says “that’s a fish”, he has assimilated the new information, but if he makes up a whole new category of animals, then he has accommodated the new information. There are periods of life in which a child will assimilate more than it accommodates (and vice versa). Piaget called these periods “cognitive equilibrium”. The counterpart is “disequilibrium”. This might be part of something which happens during the first few years of life -- there is an explosion of neurons, brain cells, during this time. When the accommodation has occurred, the child will go back to assimilating. Katsuki developed a lot during kindergarten, and therefore created lots of new concepts and schemata. For example, “I am awesome and everyone else is not”, is a cognitive scheme which enables one to enact their superiority over others. “Deku is useless and I can hit him” is another such concept. However, ‘Deku’s uselessness’ is something Katsuki came up with as a defense mechanism -- as stated before, Izuku indulged in (normal) behavior which Katsuki saw as weakness. But, as any child, he still experienced anxieties and wanted affection. This went against his conviction that sensitivity was weakness, so Katsuki projected all these needs onto Izuku. Punishing Izuku then became a way of punishing himself for the things he wanted. This worked for a while, but then Katsuki became aware of the fact that Izuku was brave enough to go against him, and not only that, but look down on him enough to assume he could need help. He, the most awesome person ever.

This could mean two things.

Sensitivity is not weakness, and it’s not wrong to want it

Katsuki is still so weak that even people like Izuku are a threat

Accommodation is a more difficult process than assimilation, so Katsuki avoided changing his view of sensitivity, which was so deeply ingrained, by adopting the second possibility. But this was scary, and incredibly disturbing to Katsuki, which meant the hostility towards Izuku especially grew. So this is when the bullying picked up a bit. Stage four -- 6 - 12 years During this stage most children begin going to school, the stakes and expectations are higher, etc. I believe Katsuki thrived in a school environment too, with steadily increasing levels of challenge. This is also when both Katsuki’s and Izuku’s admiration for All Might increased, for different reasons. In Katsuki’s eyes, All Might was so strong he always won no matter what, which enabled him to get in more fights. Winning these fights fueled his ego, and he began believing he could surpass All Might. Stage five -- 13 - 18 years Ooh, here’s when it gets juicy. I believe the bullying might not have been too intense back in stage 4. Erikson defined this stage as “identity against role diffusion”. During their teen years, most people begin identifying all the different sorts of roles they have in life, which might cause some anxiety. That’s why a lot of teenagers are experimenting with their identity, and go through what adults often disregard as “phases”. This searching is very important however, because every person needs to have a secure sense of “this is me” to be mentally healthy. We need to believe there’s a core in our identity, which will stay the same even if we or our surroundings change. Middle school Katsuki and Izuku are both 14 when the series starts. Katsuki is still delusional, prideful, and narcissistic. His teachers think he is powerful enough that it’s inevitable he will go on to UA, which only confirms his view of himself. Right now he tries to act unbothered, but Katsuki is painfully aware of the fact that Izuku hasn’t abandoned the dream to be a hero, even though he is quirkless. All of Katsuki’s intimidation tactics -- blowing up the notebook, for example -- are all desperate attempts to discourage Izuku from even trying, because Katsuki is still scared and disturbed by Izuku in general. Perhaps more so than usual, because I think Katsuki’s trying to find his identity right now as well, especially since it’s time to apply to high school. “Leaving Izuku behind” might be the most symbolic thing Katsuki can think of. He feels as though he’s been stuck with Izuku for years, and wants to hammer home the differences between them, defining his own identity in the process. Still, Izuku is going to apply to UA. I know Katsuki looks pretty unbothered while telling Izuku to take a swan dive off the roof, but I’m 100% certain he’s absolutely shaking inside. It really is a last resort type of thing. Which doesn’t make it alright, of course, but I think it’s important to keep in mind that Katsuki by this point is a vulnerable young teen, unconsciously terrified of going into the world without knowing exactly who he is. Izuku’s response to this bullying and especially the swan-dive line are interesting to me. He doesn’t get depressed, instead he thinks to himself that the idiot Kacchan would have instigated a suicide if he really went through it. This is partly why I think Izuku is securely attached to his mom, even if he now doesn’t approach her with all his problems. He developed a strong sense of hope for the world, more on that in a bit. The Sludge Villain incident is a big stepping stone for both Katsuki and Izuku. We see Izuku genuinely almost give everything up after meeting All Might, and still, even as he saw someone who had bullied him, he still rushed in without a second thought as soon as that person seemed to need help. And in reality, Katsuki was asking for help. You can’t say this isn’t the face of someone who needs saving.

Of course, Katsuki catches up with Izuku just after the incident, telling him “I didn't need you to save me!”, the works.

He’s struggling really hard here to assimilate the new information. He doesn’t want to accept it. When he fell into the creek back as a child, I don’t think he actually needed any help, he probably would’ve been fine. The problem then was Izuku thinking he needed help, which he equated to being looked down upon. In this moment, the problem is that Katsuki really needed the help. Had Izuku not been there, not spurred All Might into action, Katsuki might very well have suffocated. And he knows this, he’s a smart kid. That’s why his reaction is so extreme this time. Accepting that he could’ve died if Izuku wasn’t there means, again, that there are two possibilities to Katsuki:

1. He is weak and needs Izuku’s help of all people 2. He has been wrong about sensitivity all along Both of these mean he has been wrong, both are unacceptable to him. But I think the first one, at least unconsciously, does become its own schemata. Some time after the incident Katsuki stays silent when it’s again noted that Izuku is applying for UA. On the first day there, he only tells Izuku to get out of his way, but doesn’t mock or question his presence. Izuku even comments that “ever since that day, he stopped tormenting me.” They even sit beside each other without any real problems. I think this again is due to two things: 1. Katsuki is hyper-focused on his real goals right then, he needs to do really well 2. He has accepted “Deku is applying for UA” as a new schemata, which is easier to swallow than accepting either the sensitivity or needing help thing.

High school -- UA There’s of course a minor hitch once Katsuki realises Izuku was accepted, but I think that’s fairly standard. What I think is more important for Katsuki is the fact that entering UA means coming into contact with other people his age who are more advanced than he would’ve ever thought. He’s been so far up that nobody could catch up to him for years, but suddenly, other people are merely steps away if not on the same level. The fact that other people are so close to surpassing him, and seeing Izuku has somehow developed a powerful quirk, opens the gate to the possibility that Izuku might surpass him too. As many have noticed, Katsuki is much more subdued since starting at UA. I think he’s beginning to warm up to other people (they’re not scared of him, he can’t dominate them like that). But I think his anxiety has slowly been growing, leading to the outburst/fight at Ground Beta, with All Might’s retirement as a final straw. I want to analyse him further (and even more how he’s affected by avoidant attachment!!!), but this will have to do for now. Please let me know what you thought, if you agree, if you’d like more, etc. It’s really encouraging. Have a nice day!

#long post #bnha #bnha meta #bnha psychology #psychology #bnha analysis #katsuki bakugou #bnha bakugou #kacchan #midoriya izuku #deku #bnha deku #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bakudeku #psychological analysis #mitsuki bakugou

555 notes · View notes

eddiesasspbrak · 5 years ago

Text

When I’m With You Ch. 4

The long awaited “Reddie and Ben go to Target” chapter

Eddie can’t stand the barista at his favorite coffee shop. Richie has fallen in love with the man he sees twice a week. Stan is dating someone but won’t let his friends meet them. Ben is in love with Beverly, but is so afraid of scaring her away he’s not moving forward. Chaotic friends navigating college together.

Ch. 1

Ch. 5

Read on AO3

5k+ words

Eddie sat in the union waiting for Stan to show up. He texted to say he was running a little behind and told Eddie to go ahead and start eating without him. He’d chosen the Mexican place, getting a bowl with brown Eddie sat in the union waiting for Stan to show up. He texted to say he was running a little behind and told Eddie to go ahead and start eating without him. He’d chosen the Mexican place, getting a bowl with brown rice and veggies and probably more cheese than was advisable. Despite how hungry he’d been when he arrived, he was having a hard time eating, taking small bites at a time. His stomach had started churning as soon as he remembered that after class, he was going shopping with Ben…and Richie.

It was honestly stupid for him to be so anxious. There was no way it would be that long of a trip. Maybe two hours of his life with travel time and then he could go home and relax. He didn’t know why he was so nervous to spend the day with Richie anyway. He’d already seen him the last two days. Sure, he was used to seeing him behind the counter at the café, but on Monday he’d been in his apartment. So, going to a store with him would be less intimate, right? And Ben would be there. He wouldn’t be alone with him and could cling to his friend if he needed to. It would be fine.

When Stan finally arrived, he’d already gone to get a slice of pizza and a drink. Eddie hadn’t even seen him amongst the crowd, not that he was really paying attention as he poked at his food. Stan seemed in good spirits as he sat, greeting Eddie with a smile. Of course, he wasn’t going to let him get away with avoiding him and Ben for days.

“Oh, hello. Who are you again? Steve?” Eddie asked, taking a sip from his water.

“Oh my God, get over it. I’m here, aren’t I?” Stan rolled his eyes.

“No, wait, it’s Stan, isn’t it? Of course, it’s easy to forget when I haven’t seen you in a week.”

“You’re lucky I even showed up for this. My…partner…asked me have lunch today and I had to turn them down so I could meet with you instead.”

“What’s that? You mean you aren’t attached at the hip?”

“You’re just jealous because I’m in love.”

“Yes, I’m fucking jealous, but I’m also mad because you still won’t introduce us. Which one of us are you ashamed off?”

“Definitely you.”

“Oh, fuck you. You know that if I were seeing someone, I’d introduce you, like immediately.”

“I will introduce you! Soon.”

“You’ve been saying that for months.”

“It’s just complicated, ok?”

“It can’t be more complicated than that girl you dated freshman year who practically moved herself into your dorm after three dates.”

“That…was a mistake. This relationship is way better and that’s why I’m afraid of messing it up.”

Eddie was glad for the distraction from his own confusing thoughts, but he couldn’t help thinking that Stan was overreacting. Not that that was anything new. Eddie and Ben had discussed this mystery person multiple times, trying to figure out why Stan was actually keeping them hidden from his best friends. They’d known since high school that Stan was bi, and he’d never been shy about introducing them to whoever he was interested in. In fact, he usually came to them for advice when he was interested in someone. Him being so secretive was not something they were used to at all and they couldn’t help being a little concerned about who he was hiding and for what reasons.

“So, your best friends meeting the person you’re dating could ruin the relationship…how?” Eddie asked, realizing that his appetite had come back and he’d already devoured half his bowl.

“It wouldn’t. I just want to take things slow.”

“Dude, you just said you’re in love. How is that taking it slow?”

“Ok. I’m done talking about this. I will introduce you when I’m ready.” Stan sighed, not giving Eddie a chance to protest. “Now, it has been a week so catch me up on your life.”

“What life?” Eddie asked, sitting back in his seat. “I recently found out that the person I hate is my neighbor and now I have to go shopping with him and Ben after class.”

“How did that happen?”

“We’re shopping for a gift and he knows the recipient better than either of us so he’s helping.”

“So, you invited him?”

“Not intentionally.”

Stan smirked, noting the way Eddie’s cheeks colored a shade of pink as he talked about this guy he supposedly hated. He knew his friend too well to not see the underlying feelings he had for this person. He couldn’t tell if it was romantic or just friendly. It was rare for Eddie to get romantic feelings for anyone. Even after he’d come out to them, he was excessively picky about who’d he pursue. He wanted to know more about this person, find out exactly what it was about him that Eddie didn’t like so he could determine what he was feeling. He wasn’t going to push it though as he was sure it would circle back around to his own relationship and they’d just moved past that.

“If you’re free this afternoon, you could come with. Be an extra buffer between us.” Eddie suggested.

“Yea…I…”

“Have a date?”

“No. Not really. We’re studying.”

“Ok, what about tomorrow night?”

“We’re going to a party together.”

“Of course. Don’t you get sick of seeing each other all the time?”

“Not at all. We’re in a…what do they call it…a honeymoon stage? I like being with them. All the time. I’ve never been this happy before.” Stanley smiled in a way that Eddie had never seen on him before. He’d dare to say that he looked honestly and truly happy.

Part of Eddie was happy for him, glad that his friend found someone who could make him make that goofy face just at the thought of them. It made him second guess his worries about this person and how they treated Stan. He wouldn’t fully put his worries away until they met them, but in this moment, he pushed that out of his mind. He hadn’t been lying when he said he was jealous. He wanted what Stan had, what Ben and Bev were sure to have soon. He wanted to be in love and smile whenever he thought of that other person. He wanted butterflies and that feeling like his heart was going to burst just from seeing their face. He ignored the face that flashed through his mind then, pretended like it didn’t happen as he shoved a forkful of rice and vegetables into his mouth.

Eddie had always been the shortest of his friends. He wasn’t really that short, he was average height. His friends were all just so tall. None of his friends owned a car either, so when they wanted to go shopping, they had to take an uber. These two things factoring together meant Eddie was squished between Ben and Richie in the backseat of a stranger’s car, extremely unhappy. When he’d told Ben that he’d unintentionally invited Richie to join them, he’d expected, or hoped rather, for him to be against it. Instead, he was excited about having someone who knew Beverly so well helping him.

In a moment of desperation, Eddie had suggested that maybe just the two of them go shopping then. Ben wasn’t having that though.

“You promised, Eddie.” He’d reminded him.

So, there he was, arms crossed tightly over his chest, frown in place as they quietly sat closer than he wanted. He leaned closer against Ben, but with the limited space he was still in constant contact with Richie. When the shopping center came into view, he just about cheered. Luckily, he managed to hold it in, but he couldn’t suppress the sigh of relief that slipped out.

Eddie made sure to make Ben walk in the middle as the three made their way into the store. Ben was nervous, so he didn’t even notice that he was being used as a barrier. None of them had very much money and Richie had told them that he and Bev often went to Target together and they could definitely find gifts for her there. So, that’s where they went in hopes of finding three moderately priced gifts that their mutual friend would appreciate.

“I think I can manage to look for a gift myself, so why don’t we split up and I’ll meet you guys when we’re done?” Eddie suggested as they walked in the front door. Hopefully this attempt at a hasty escape wasn’t too obvious to the other two.

“What? No. Eddie, I need your opinion on what I pick out. You said you’d help me.” Ben said, almost whining.

“I know, but Richie knows her better than I do. Does my opinion really matter?”

“Yes!”

Eddie sighed. “Alright. Fine. Let’s go.”

He didn’t miss the smile on Richie’s face and his conversation with Bev from the day before invaded his mind without his permission. “You just called him adorable.” And suddenly his face was feeling warm and he had to focus on not looking at the other man. He had already admitted to himself that he thought Richie was attractive. Wasn’t that enough for his stupid subconcious? It didn’t matter though. Didn’t matter if he thought he was adorable. Which he didn’t because he didn’t like him.

Richie grabbed a cart and steered them toward the women’s clothing. Bev loved clothes and would surely like something they picked out for her, right? Maybe she didn’t like Eddie’s style all the time, but he kind of knew what she tended to wear. Ben and Richie probably did as well. Not that he imagined any of them really paid close attention to her daily attire. It was just dumb little things they would notice, like how she seemed to favor dresses when it was nice out. The women’s clothing section was vast and overwhelming ranging from juniors to maternity clothes.

“Alright, when it comes to clothes, I feel like Bev wears a lot a crop tops.” Richie said, grabbing a dark blue one with a key printed across the chest.

“It’s the middle of winter.” Eddie pointed out.

“Ok…well…what about a sweater?” Ben asked, grabbing a dark maroon sweater from a nearby rack.

“You can’t give her a sweater.” Eddie said, taking it from him.

“What? Why not?”

“Because you’re trying to woo her. Clothing is not the way to do that.” Despite his words, Eddie threw the sweater into the cart. “I, on the other hand, can give her sweater.”

“Seriously, Eddie?” Ben said with a smile. “Are you really trying to help me, or did you just want to steal my idea?”

“I’m helping, but I do think she will like the sweater.” Eddie said, pretending to be slightly defensive.

“I agree. You can’t give the person you like a sweater for her birthday.” Richie chimed in, pushing the cart across the aisle to where the jewelry resided. “This is where you should be looking.”

“Jewelry? Isn’t that the kind of gift you get a girlfriend?” Eddie asked.

“Or a girl you’re trying to ‘woo’.” Richie grinned, teasing Eddie for his choice of words.

Ben scanned the display of earrings. There weren’t many options that looked like they were meant for adults. Some looked like little colorful balls of slime with different neon colors sticking up in spikes. He remembered that being a thing when they were in middle school and high school, but couldn’t see someone Bev’s age wearing them. Finally, he grabbed a pair of golden hearts. He held them up for the other two to see, with a hopeful look on his face.

“No. Absolutely not. Too obvious.” Eddie said, crossing his arms.

“She doesn’t really change out her earrings either.” Richie said, shaking his head.

Ben’s smile fell away and he put them back, giving up and moving on to the bracelets. There were plenty to choose from there, but they were all fairly ugly. Bev often wore a black cord wrapped around her wrist and he didn’t see anything that seemed similar enough that she’d like. The necklaces weren’t much better. There were some made from chunky mismatched beads that looked like a child had made them from one of those plastic jewelry making kits.

With the lack of good options, Ben was getting ready to give up entirely when his eyes landed on a necklace hidden behind a large pendant. He pulled it out to get a better look at his eyes lit up as his smile returned. He turned to the others and held it up. The chain was golden and thin, hanging from it was a stone wrapped in gold wire. The stone’s color was a reddish orange that looked like it was glowing when it caught the light. Like an ember that was still glowing before it burned out.

“It’s like her hair.” He said, in awe.

Eddie held the stone in his hand and looked it over. “It’s nice.”

“You think so?” Ben turned to Richie, expectantly. “Would she wear something like this?”

“She does love necklaces. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her without one. I think it’s perfect, my dude.” Richie gave a thumbs up.

Ben cradled the necklace in his hands, not wanting to put it in the cart in case it fell out. Richie already had an idea of what he wanted to get for her and lead them to the electronics. Specifically, the video games. Eddie took control of the cart when Richie turned a corner too quickly while also trying to ride the cart and nearly knocked over a display.

“I swear, you are like a child.” Eddie griped, smacking Richie’s hands away from the cart handle.

Across from the electronics was the kitchen wares section and Eddie was suddenly reminded of the note he’d made in his phone. He left Ben and Richie to look at the games while he wandered over to the kitchen appliances. He walked past toasters, hand mixers, and blenders before he stumbled across the coffee pots. He didn’t need a full pot for just him but right past them were the one cup machines. They were kind of pricey and he knew he couldn’t ask his mom to help him buy one. She didn’t even know he went to a café twice a week. There was a reason he always paid with cash. It was better than her asking him why he was throwing his money away on coffee and then fretting over him getting too much caffeine and how it would mess with his sleep.

Near the end of the aisle was a single cup machine that was smaller than the others and about $80 less. He grabbed the box and looked at the features, hoping to find out how easy it was to use. If he could get this and a box of the pods, he’d never have to go to the cafe again. As if on cue, as soon as he started thinking about him, he could hear Richie’s voice nearby, growing closer.

“I’m usually the best at these games, but she kicks my ass about half the time.” Richie was saying.

“She’s just amazing at everything isn’t she?” Eddie could practically hear the heart eyes in Ben’s voice.

They rounded the corner and immediately spotted Eddie. Richie had a game in his hand and Ben was still carefully holding the necklace in his hand, out in front of him. As they approached, Ben came to stand beside Eddie to see what he had, while Richie dropped his gift choice in the cart.

“What’s that?” Ben asked.

“One of those one cup coffee machines. Figured I could use it in my apartment.” Eddie answered.

“Uh…no way.” Richie said, snagging the box from his hands.

“Excuse me?”

“You can’t buy one of these.”

“And why not?”

“If you make coffee at home, you won’t come in to see me anymore. Besides, the coffee we make is way better than the crap they put in those pods.”

“Not going to the café anymore is the point. I’ll save a lot of money if I get this.” And I won’t have to see you, he thought.

“Yes, but at what cost?”

Eddie took the box back from him. “I’m not too concerned about the quality of my coffee. If I were, I wouldn’t trust you to make it for me.”

“Oof, you hurt me, Eds.” Richie put his hand to his chest. “I still think it’s a mistake.”

Eddie sighed and rolled his eyes as he slid the box back onto the shelf. “Yea, well, I can’t afford it right now anyway.”

“Oh good, then our relationship is safe.”

Ben smiled, enjoying listening to them argue. Having known Eddie for so long, he’d seen him argue or bicker with others on countless occasions, but there was something about his interactions with Richie. They were different, less confrontational and more teasing. Ben wondered to himself if Eddie even realized that the corners of his lips turned up whenever he rolled his eyes at Richie. He said that he hated the guy, couldn’t stand to be around him, was upset that he had his number and lived so close. But Ben couldn’t help thinking that Eddie actually enjoyed it. Why else would he keep going back to the same café, knowing well that Richie would always be there when he went? To think, Ben was the one he called clueless and oblivious about matters of the heart.

As they made their way to the front where the registers were, Richie grabbed the handle of the cart and forced Eddie to turn it toward the grocery section. Of course, he was annoyed, but he also couldn’t help the jolt that went through him when Richie’s fingers overlapped his own. He pulled his hand back quickly, using it to slap Richie’s arm for grabbing the cart in the first place.

“You could have just asked me to turn, jackass.” Eddie grumbled.

“I need some stuff for Bev’s cake.” Richie explained, heading into the baking aisle.

Eddie and Ben followed him as he gathered things and dropped them into the cart. Flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, sugar. Beverly had told Eddie about his baking but for some reason he had been expecting him to buy a cake mix, not the things to make one from scratch. He grabbed three cans of chocolate frosting, which the other two thought was kind of excessive for one cake. The last things he grabbed were a bottle of vegetable oil and a pack of chocolate chips. Turning to the others, he smiled.

“That should do it.” He said, putting his hands on the side of the cart.

“You’re baking her cake?” Ben asked.

“Yea. I do every year. It’s a tradition.”

“I wish I could do something like that for her.”

“Want to help me make it? If I tell Bev it was made with love that might help you woo her right?” Richie winked at Eddie as he said this.

Eddie again felt heat rising up his neck, though he couldn’t tell if it was embarrassment or annoyance that was causing it. It was just a stupid word to he used to describe Ben’s pursuit of Beverly. He kept using it just to get to him and it, admittedly, was working.

“I don’t want to mess it up.” Ben frowned, earning a look from Eddie.

“Impossible. If this idiot can bake without burning the building down, so can you.” Eddie said, patting Ben on the shoulder.

Richie grinned. “How do you know I’ve never burned a place down before? You never asked what happened to my last apartment.”

“Even more reason to move.”

“Well, if you’re serious, then I’d love to come and help.” Ben said, ignoring their banter.

“For sure, man. I’m gonna make it tonight.”

Ben smiled and turned to Eddie, who was looking less than thrilled. “Is it ok with you if I postpone hanging out tonight to bake the cake instead?”

“We literally hang out all the time. We’re going to the party together tomorrow. I think I’ll survive one night.” Eddie said, dismissing it with a wave of his hand.

“When you’re ready to admit that you’ll be lonely, you know where I live.” Richie said, taking the cart from Eddie and finally steering them out of the baking aisle and toward the registers.

“That’s not going to happen. You couldn’t pay me to step foot into your apartment. You let a mouse live with you, it’s probably filthy.” Eddie said, following after him, his cheeks flushed.

The ride back to the building Richie and Eddie both lived in was less awkward. Ben and Richie chatted the whole way about Beverly, her birthday and the cake. Eddie was sat between them again, trying to zone out watching the road beyond the windshield. Occasionally one of them would ask him something and bring him into the conversation, though he really didn’t want to talk to Richie anymore. Everything he said was teasing and either made Eddie angry or caused a weird flutter in his stomach that he hated.

They rode the elevator up to their floor together and Eddie made a beeline for his door while Ben and Richie continued down the hall to the latter’s apartment. They asked Eddie if he was sure he didn’t want to join them, and he insisted he had things he needed to do. Once inside his apartment, away from the other two, he finally relaxed.

Eddie hung up his coat and kicked his shoes off before making his way to the couch with his bag and collapsing into its cushiony embrace. He’d grabbed a gift bag and some tissue paper to wrap the sweater in. He put it all together, grabbing a pen to write ‘From Eddie’ on the attached tag.

He sat back on his couch in the quiet room when he was done and sighed. Every day this week he’d been forced to see Richie. Monday when his disease carrying pet invaded his apartment, Tuesday at the coffee shop, then spending his Wednesday shopping with him. Thursday he’d have to see him once in the morning at the coffee shop and then at Bev’s party in the evening. Friday would be the first day that he could enjoy a Richie free 24 hours and he was so ready for it.

He closed his eyes, letting his head fall back against the cushions behind his back. Richie really was annoying. Always trying to get a rise out of him, always encouraged by whatever Eddie said in response. It was infuriating. Even the things he did. Like nearly crashing the cart or just grabbing the handle and nearly making him crash.

The feel of Richie’s fingers against his jumped into his mind and his heart seemed to leap as his stomach stirred. Opening his eyes, he let out a long deep breath. It didn’t mean anything. It had just been a while since he’d had any physical contact that wasn’t Ben, Stan or Bev. It also wasn’t a normal occurrence. Sometimes their hands brushed when he was handing his money over or taking his drink at the café. Then there was the other night when he’d ruffled his hair. He’d never had a reaction from it though. It was all Bev’s fault for pointing out that he’d called Richie adorable. He couldn’t stop thinking about it and it was all because of her teasing him.

One thing Eddie was certain of, he didn’t like Richie.

Ben dried his hands on a towel while he watched Richie gather everything they would need to make the cake for Beverly. Despite Eddie’s assumptions, the place really wasn’t that messy. Maybe a bit cluttered compared to Eddie’s, not as meticulously clean as his either, but clean. Ben had yet to see the mouse but thought it best to wait until they were done making the cake before he asked to meet her.

“Mmkay, I think that’s everything.” Richie said, setting the oven to preheat. “I’ll tell you what to do so you can tell Bev you made it.”

Ben suddenly felt nervous. He’d baked before with his mom, but not like this. She would usually mix it all up and he’d just scoop balls of cookie dough onto the parchment paper. This wasn’t just some random baking lesson, this was Beverly’s birthday cake. For a party that was the following day. If he messed it up, they’d be screwed.

“I don’t know that that’s a good idea.” Ben said, stepping up to the counter anyway.

“Dude, it will be fine. I know what I’m doing, and I won’t let you mess up.” Richie came to stand beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Bev likes you. I can tell. And from what I’ve seen so far, I think you’ll be good for her. I’m not going to let you look like an idiot.”

Ben smiled. “You’re different than you are around Eddie.”

Richie couldn’t help but chuckle at that. “Oh, believe me, I’m just as bad when he’s not around. I’m also a good guy when I need to be, though.”

“So, is it just him you like to annoy then?”

“We can get into that while the cake is in the oven.” Richie said, pulling back and handing him a measuring cup. “Chop, chop. We’ve got baking to do, good fellow!” He changed his voice to a British accent as he said that last bit.

Ben smiled and took the measuring cup, ready for his instructions. Around forty minutes later, feeling overwhelmed, Ben slid the cake pans onto the oven rack carefully. The recipe wasn’t really that intense, he just kept almost spilling everything with his nerves getting the better of him. Somehow, he’d managed to get the batter into the cake pans without spilling any of it on the counter. When he’d opened the bag of chocolate chips, he had managed to nearly drop the open bag. Twice. Luckily, Richie found it hilarious.

“Time is set. We’ve got 30 minutes to kill.” Richie said, slipping his phone into his pocket.

“Right…so…about this mouse.” Ben said, eager.

“Penny. Do you want to meet her?” Richie smiled.

“Yes. Please.”

“C’mon.” Richie motioned with his hand for Ben to follow as he made his way from the kitchen to the bedroom.

While his apartment was relatively clean, his room was kind of a mess. Not enough to be gross or annoying to walk through. Just like he hadn’t picked up in a while. This would definitely annoy Eddie and with the way Ben expected their relationship to grow, he assumed he’d definitely see this room eventually. He thought it best not to mention that though, in case he was wrong.

Against the wall was a low and wide dresser with a large glass tank sitting in the middle of it. Richie went straight to it and took the lid off. Ben crouched down in front of it and looked at the small brown mouse scurrying around inside. Richie dipped his hand down into the tank and she immediately ran over and climbed onto his fingers. He lifted her out slowly and held her out toward Ben.

“This is Penny. She’s very social and mischievous and likes to escape.” Richie said, affectionately while running a finger over her head.

“Eddie told me about how she infiltrated his apartment.” Ben laughed.

“Yea. I think she likes him too.”

Ben looked from Penny to Richie. “So…Eddie…” He said, hoping it was enough encouragement for him to start talking.

“Eddie.” Richie looked up at Ben as Penny began crawling up his arm. “You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?”

Ben shrugged and smiled despite his best efforts not to. “No. I already know. I can tell from the way you look at him.”

“What has he said about it?”

“Nothing. I love the guy, but he’s completely oblivious. Back in high school, there was this girl who really liked him. She started hanging around outside his classes and sitting near us in the lunchroom. It was completely obvious that she was practically stalking him. I told him that she was into him when she asked to join our group for a project in class. He didn’t believe me at first and then panicked when he realized that it was true.” Ben laughed at the memory of Eddie grabbing for his inhaler while he explained why this was a terrible revelation.

Richie smiled, lifting Penny from his shoulder back into his hand. “Here I thought he hated me because he was straight and knew I liked him.”

“Oh no, Eddie’s definitely not straight. I don’t think he really hates you either. He’s just…not used to someone like you.”

“Is that the nice way of saying ‘asshole’?”

“No, no…I mean the way you interact with him. Sometimes when someone annoys him and he gets snippy with them, he ends up saying something that comes out wrong and…it’s been bad. But you always laugh and just say something right back. I think it’s good for him. I just don’t think he realizes that yet.”

Richie grinned and looked down at Penny. “I like talking to him. His face gets all red and he glares at me with this intense look. It’s so funny and so fucking cute.”

“If you like him, you have to tell him. I guarantee he has no idea.”

“I guess I’ll have to be more obvious.” They were quiet for a moment, both watching Penny as she climbed up one arm, scurried behind his neck and then back down the other. “Want to hold her?” Richie asked.

“Yes. I really, really do.” Ben said excitedly.

He cupped his hands together out in front of him and Richie held his hand out to him. Penny sniffed his fingers for a second and then crawled right over. Her little toes were scratchy against his palms. She sniffed around for a little bit, her whiskers and nose tickling as she went. When she was satisfied, she began crawling up his arm.

“She likes you.” Richie said, leaning back against the dresser.

“I’m in love.” Ben said, making Richie laugh.

Just then, the timer on Richie’s phone went off. “I’ve got it. You bond with Penny.” He said, shutting off the alarm and heading back into the kitchen.

He took the trays from the oven and tested each one with a toothpick. The two moved to the living room while they cooled, sitting on the floor opposite one another with their legs stretched out and their feet pressed together so Penny could run around the floor between them while remaining locked in. When the cakes were cooled enough, Penny was returned to her tank and they stacked and frosted it. Ben watched in amazement as Richie managed to use all three cans of frosting, explaining the Bev really liked chocolate.

Richie had a lot to think about after his conversation with Ben. When they were finished and he said goodbye, Ben thanked him for helping him and letting him make the cake. In turn, Richie thanked him for giving him some insight into Eddie. Richie had gone into this hoping to spend the day with Eddie, and instead he made a new friend, who he truly enjoyed spending time with. Not everyone loved Penny the way he did. Having mutual friends with Eddie wasn’t a bad thing either.

While settling into bed, Richie made a decision. Tomorrow he’d see Eddie again. He’d make sure he was as obvious as he could be that he liked the boy. Before falling asleep, he pulled out his phone and sent Eddie a screenshot of an article with the headline “Man arrested for putting fake arrow decals on the floor of IKEA and for creating a labyrinth with no exit”. He added “Date night ideas” beneath it before hitting send and closing his eyes with a smile.

#It #it (2017)#it (2019)#reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #ben hanscom #stanley uris #Ro writes

8 notes · View notes

lukes-writing · 5 years ago

Text

Character Introduction: Whisper Johanna Archer-Gutenberg

Project: The Dreamcatcher series Name: Whisper Johanna Archer-Gutenberg Age: 19 Height: 161 cm (5″ 3,4′) MBTI: ENFP

Continue reading below

Appearance

Whisper is a slight girl of average height with fair skin and flat chest which is sometimes a target of mockery. She has dreamy, faraway hazel eyes and a winsome, mysterious smile; the combination of these traits lends her a slightly otherworldly, uncanny appearance. Apart from her face, her most prominent feature is her fair hair tied into long dreadlocks.

Whisper's style of clothing is as eccentric as her hairstyle and personality. She usually dresses in loose-fitting clothes of bright colors and floral patterns including long skirts, sundresses and airy blouses. She feels the best walking barefoot.

Whisper also wears excessive, flashy jewelry and plentiful of talismans, magical amulets and lucky charms. She has also several tattoos, the most prominent being a large dreamcatcher on her upper back. Due to her eccentric appearance and style of dressing, she's nicknamed "the hippie girl" by her friends and she doesn't mind it

Personality

Whisper is a difficult person to understand. Even though she's generally kind, caring and positive person, it takes a careful, delicate approach to reach into her comfort zone and gain her trust. She is whimsical, even erratic, and nobody knows what's going on in her mind at the moment. That makes her difficult to lead and control, even though her spontaneous and impulsive behavior can offer a solution to many challenging situations.

She is generally an extroverted person who enjoys company, but like most aspects of her personality, her temperament is a subject of frequent changes. She enjoys time alone, spent by relaxing, meditation or long walks. She is the happiest when she's at peace with herself and the world and values all kinds of harmony.

Whisper is also very sincere about her feelings and is not hesitant to express them, no matter how harsh it may sound. She is also open about which people she dislikes and tends to avoid them at all costs, even if it means getting into more conflicts which is frequent because of her stubbornness and quirky nature. On the other hand, when she gets on well with someone, she quickly becomes attached and makes a great friend.

Even though Whisper seems timid at first, she is open about nudity and sexuality, claiming it's a natural part of life. On the contrary, she strictly condemns any kind of intolerance, hate, bigotry or unnecessary violence. Her opinions are liberal and she has trouble accepting authority, especially when the person is trying to assert their dominance using force.

She abstains from alcohol, but rather frequently smokes marijuana which helps her unwind and focus. She claims it also enhances her ability of astral traveling. She is open to experimentation of all kinds, but she's also rational enough to not let it go too far.

Skills, talents and weaknesses

While Sienna is the team's most valuable member when it comes to logical thinking and far-sighted decisions, Whisper is appreciated for her intuition and creative approach to problems. She always follows the voice of her feelings rather than cold logic which can end up with various results.

Whisper is artistically gifted - she is able to paint, compose poems and play several musical instruments, which takes a toll on her practical abilities such as the knowledge of technology or the ability to do manual work. Since she is usually lost in her thoughts, she's also forgetful and scatterbrained.

Another of Whisper's strengths is her empathy and ability to understand people. She can see the person's true nature and intentions just by spending a few minutes with them. She's extremely sensitive to body language and can perceive the person's aura to some degree, making her an efficient lie detector.

Whisper's greatest weakness is the lack of physical strength. She's not proficient in any kind of martial art and neither can she handle a firearm or a weapon. This is partially caused by her strictly pacifistic nature and also by her slight, delicate frame not suited for physical combat. Moreover, in stressful situations, she often tends to panic and rushes into stupid decisions. That's why she usually counts on her battle-skilled teammates when it's going tough.

Special powers

Whisper's special power is astral traveling, an ability to detach her soul from her body and travel through the astral realm. This allows her to travel unseen to dangerous or restricted areas without the risk of getting hurt. During the detach, the body and soul are connected by a silver astral rope called a "Lifeline" by the travelers.

Her ability requires years of training in the form of meditation and relaxation techniques and has several levels of mastery:

Out of Body - the traveler can detach their soul from their body and roam the astral realm;

Out of Space - the traveler's soul isn't affected by space, allowing them to immediately transfer the soul to any place in the world;

Out of Time - while traveling, the traveler's soul is unaffected by time, able to change the subjective perception of it.

The ability also has several drawbacks. The most obvious one is that Whisper's physical body is unconscious when her astral body is detached. That requires her to either perform the detach on a safe, isolated place or to have someone to look after the senseless body and protect it from harm. Also, to perform the detach, Whisper has to remain relaxed and focused for a while, making it hard to detach in the middle of the fray. Another danger are the immaterial astral beings known as "Hunters" which possess a potential threat to the detached soul.

Her abilities allow Whisper to serve as an efficient spy since physical boundaries don't affect the detached soul. Also, while on the Out of Space level, she can immediately contact any other person able to tap into the astral realm anywhere in the world.

Questions

Favorite color? Green

Favourite artist?

Favourite animal? Dog

Least favourite animal? Toads (because they’re slimy)

What element would they be? Wind

Theme song? Waiting on the Sky to Change by Downplay

Alignment? Chaotic Good

Deadly sin that best represents them? Lust

Which animal would they be? A swallow bird

Socioeconomic level? Comes from a rich family, but money doesn’t mean much to her

Hobbies? Reading, poetry, music, walks in nature

Patience level? Variable, according to her current mood

Favourite place? Anywhere green and calm

Role model? Her uncle Wiccan Salisbury

Favourite foods? Grilled salmon with vegetables, sushi

Favourite book? The Harry Potter series

Pets? Four budgies (Godric, Rowenna, Helga, Salazar) and three dogs (Arwen, Frodo, Gandalf)

Most appropriate TV trope(s)? “Granola Girl”, “Does Not Like Shoes”, “Cloudcuckoolander”

Smells like? Spring air and a soft perfume

How do they feel about love? She believes in true love and soulmates, but her urge to seek variety and new things in life makes her doubt she would be able to stay with just one person for the rest of her life

Quote/catchphrase: She sometimes tends to replace profanity in a sentence with some more innocent word, creating expressions like “What the twig is going on here?”

Least favorite color? Gray

Fears or phobias? She suffers from mild claustrophobia; being in a closed, isolated room makes her anxious

Music they listen to? Ambient music, soft rock

Bad habits? She occasionally smokes marijuana

What turns them on? Quiet, affectionate talk, soft touches, neck kisses

What turns them off? Roughness, insensitivity

Religious and to what extent? Any spiritual beliefs? She firmly believes in some kind of higher power, but is not a part of any organized religious movement

Kind of student if they attend/were to attend school? (e.g. class clown, straight A) Her grades varied greatly according to the subject and her current mood. She wasn’t too eager to study as she preferred to groom her artistic side.

Random fact!

What ONE item would they take to an uninhabited island? A notebook to write down all kinds of ideas she would come up with

Outlook on life? Always positive, “happy accidents” outlook

Favorite object? Her decorative brooch shaped like a key with wings - she considers it her lucky charm

What was your character like as a child? She tried to be well-behaved to her parents’ image, but her erratic, moody personality sometimes caused discords

What is something other people assume about your character? Judging from her look, the people can guess her loony personality and inclination to art, but they also often assume she does drugs and/or takes sex very irresponsibly

Nervous habits? Talking to herself

Addictions? Apart from harmless addictions like tea, books and music, she has no harmful addcition

Enneagram type? 4

Siblings? Knight Edward (older brother), Liberty Camilla (older sister)

Wears jewelry? Yes, she wears a lot of excessive, flashy jewelry

First kiss? (when and with whom) When she was 18, she experienced her first kiss and first intimate experience with her best friend, Noelle

Glass half full or half empty? Half full

Belief in an afterlife? Yes

Views on gambling, lying, killing, etc...? Strictly negative. She is a person of firm morals and she hates people with questionable moral code.

Do they stand up for what they believe in? Always, firmly

How much do they value money? Not much. It can buy nice things, but it’s not the most important thing in the world.

Wants to get married? Indifferent

Wants to have kids, raise a family? Indifferent; not yet decided

Cat or dog person? Dog

Is there one fictional character (print/stage/screen) you could compare them to? She has a part of Luna Lovegood in her, but there are a lot of differences

Anyone they really hate? Bigots and hateful people

How has their look/design changed over time? Not really, I’ve always wanted her to be like this, so I created her this way. She was maybe more timid in the early stages of development.

What brings them the most joy? Being herself; people accepting her for who she is

Do they play any instruments? Violin, piano, flute

Hogwarts House: Hufflepuff

Favorite holiday? Christmas

Nickname(s)? Often nicknamed “hippie girl”

Would they dare kill someone? Only if there was no other way to save a friend/family member in danger

Body modifications? (Piercings, implants, tattoos, etc.) She has several tattoos, with the most prominent being a large dreamcatcher on her back

Author’s Note

So this is my first character introduction (with more to come in the future), of course I’ve picked my favorite in my current project ^^ If you have any further questions for/about Whisper, or if you have any feedback about her, please send me an ask or post a comment! If you enjoy my work, you can consider a small donation at www.paypal.me/lukassladky. Thank you for stopping by!

#my oc #oc introduction #writeblr #writers #my writing #TeamDreamcatcher

7 notes · View notes

themostrandomfandom · 7 years ago

Note

Hi! Adore your blog

Hey, @lydiagravy!

First off, thank you for your kind words. I’m glad you enjoy my blog.

Next, I will admit up front: I have never actually read this bookmyself; I have only had the content explained to me by a friend who majored inhuman development, who read the book as part of her coursework and enjoyed itvery much.

I apologize if I end up bungling anything.

From what I understand, the three primary attachment types breakdown like so:

Anxious: Personswith anxious attachment types tend to be nervous about their relationships.They require frequent reassurance from their partners that they are wanted,appreciated, loved, etc. They crave affection and often fare poorly when singleand/or physically or emotionally separated from their partners. They are slowto trust even the people they’re closest to and can behave irrationally,sporadically, and over-emotionally if they feel insecure in theirrelationships.

Avoidant: Personswith avoidant attachment types tend to be independent and uncomfortable withintimacy. They find commitment difficult and often complain of feeling“suffocated” when people try to get close to them. Most frequently, they chooseto operate solo. However, if they do enter into romantic relationships, theytend to do so with an exit strategy already in mind going in.

Secure:Persons with secure attachment types are generally comfortable—both asindividuals and romantic partners. They regularly express affection and trusttheir partners enough to be intimate with them. They know how to draw clearinterpersonal boundaries, handle rejection, and communicate regarding problems.For this reason, they tend to make excellent friends and romantic partners.

Basedon those definitions, I agree that Brittany has a secure attachment type.However, I think Santana is kind of an interesting case, in that she sometimes presentsherself as having an avoidant attachment type, but in actuality, at her core,she has an anxious one.

Morediscussion after the cut.

___

Brittany

WithBrittany, things are fairly straightforward.

Thoughshe sometimes experiences insecurity when people who don’t know her well don’tget her (and especially when they underestimate her intelligence), when itcomes to her attachments to the people who matter—her family members andSantana—Brittany is very comfortable being who she is and, by extension, iscomfortable in her relationships.

Ingeneral, she functions with the understanding that the people who matter willget it and that the people who don’t get it don’t matter after all.

Interms of her relationship with Santana specifically, she understands thesignificance of their feelings for each other, even at times when Santana is inheavy denial. Though the hurtful things Santana says during S1 and S2 sometimescause her to question the viability of her and Santana’s relationship, she always seems to return to the fact that because they are in lovewith each other, anything is possible for them, which is why she is able towait for Santana to get her act together.

Ofcourse, Brittany having a secure attachment type doesn’t exempt her fromexperiencing the occasional moment of doubt or from occasionally behavingpoorly within her relationships—because she certainly does both of those thingsfrom time to time.

Itjust means that, by and large, Baby Girl feels confident giving and receivinglove, and she trusts that she and Santana will be able to overcome whatevertroubles they face because they are deeply committed to each other. She remainssteady even when the boat is rocking.

Nowhere is her secure attachment type more evident than in her speech to Santana during episode 5x12, where she expresses her belief that she and Santana have a special, once-in-a-lifetime bond (“I really wanna be with you, Santana. I’ve seen the world and I’m sure now more than ever that I belong with you. And I’m sure your girlfriend’s great but you can’t re-create what you and I have. Just tell me to stay. Please. It’s your choice. If you want me, I’m here”). Her confidence that Santana will ultimately choose her over Dani speaks to the trust she has in Santana, as well as to her generally easygoing temperament.

Santana

As stated above, I think that even though Santana sometimes actsavoidant, in reality, her attachment type is most likely anxious.

Here is my reasoning:

As I’ve written about here,Santana has what is known as a reactive temperament, meaning that she typicallyexperiences strong emotional responses to stimuli. Not only does she feelemotions very strongly—when she feels sad, she feels really sad; when she feelshappy, she feels very happy—but in her most natural and unchecked state, shealso manifests those emotions in unmistakable ways, meaning that she cries atthe drop of a hat when something upsets her and smiles so widely that herdimples show when something goes her way. Simply put, Baby Girl wears her hearton her sleeve.

—and the fact that she does so makes her socially vulnerable.

In the public school system, kids who are easily provoked and/orwho get really excited about things tend to become targets for bullying. Theirclassmates will attempt to rile them up just to get a rise out of them. They’llalso mock them for being too effusive about the things they like and dislike.

My theory, based in large part on what she says during her HurtLocker confession, is that Santana learns fairly early on that being reactivemakes her socially vulnerable—and especially once she hits puberty and startsto recognize her attraction to girls for what it is. She knows it is dangerousfor her to wear her emotions so close to the surface, particularly in relationto any physical attractions and/or romantic feelings she might develop, so shemakes the conscientious decision to start downplaying how she feels aboutthings and purposefully repressing her reactivity.

Over time, she developes her “bitch” persona, which she can wearlike armor in order to safeguard herself, pretending not to like or care muchabout anyone or anything. Through concerted efforts, she submerges the emotionswhich make her socially vulnerable—like her insecurity concerning hersexuality, her enthusiasm for performance and other personal passions, her lovefor Brittany, her fears concerning her own lovability and individual worth,etc.—in favor of more “defensible” emotions, like open hostility and annoyance.The anger she allows the world to see is meant to mask the fear she isdesperate to keep hidden.

We don’t know when exactly Santana develops this “too cool forschool” act, but we do know that said act starts to become unsustainable forher during S2, when the possibility that she might lose Brittany to Artieforever dredges up many of the emotions she has been working so hard tosubmerge.

Throughout S2, Santana is an emotional hot mess. Whereas beforeshe had planned out her life so she could always stay two steps ahead of heremotions, now she and Brittany have moved “off-script,” so she can’t anticipateher feelings, only react to them as they happen (see here).

As she becomes increasingly fearful that she will potentiallylose Brittany to Artie forever, she also becomes increasingly aggressivetowards other happy couples around her, as we see between episodes 2x08 and2x13, when she goes on a “spree of relational destruction,” taking on Finchel,Fuinn, Fabrevans, and Pizes in turn. She is frequently weepy in public. Herinteractions with the glee club and with Brittany especially are all over theplace. The more she becomes aware of what it is that she really wants—a stable,romantic relationship with Brittany—the less she knows how to get it.

Eventually, after hitting her emotional breaking point inepisode 2x14, in episode 2x15, she is able to admit to herself and to Brittanythe true nature of her feelings, and once she does, the proverbial floodgates open.Once she says those magic words (“I have to admit that I love you”), she can’tkeep repressing how she feels even if she wants to.

As the seasons wear on, Santana becomes increasingly comfortableacknowledging and expressing her feelings, to the point where in S6, she hasactually gotten back to her openly reactive baseline for the most part.

So getting back to your original question:

I bring up Santana’s reactivity (and her reaction to her ownreactivity) because it plays into the way she displays her attachments.

Baby Girl is at her core anxious, but she sometimes behaves inan avoidant manner as a defense mechanism.

When Santana loves, she loves hard—and she knows as much, evenfrom the beginning (see here).

One of her biggest hang-ups throughout the show is her fear ofrejection. On a very primal level, she worries that if the people she loves andwho love her learn the truth about her, they’ll withdraw their love, and shewon’t be able to cope. We see this belief manifest during her fearfuland defensive interactions with Brittany during the Back Six of S2 (“I said ‘Ilove you,’ and you didn’t say you loved me back”), her reluctance to come outto her parents and grandmother during S3, her insecurities in her friendshipswith various glee club members throughout the show, etc.

In many ways, her anxiety is textbook: At her core, she worriesthat she is inherently unlovable, so she requires frequent reassurance from thepeople who matter to her that such is not the case. As long as she receivesregular, sincere expressions of love and affection from her family members andBrittany, she thrives. But if anything gives her cause to question thestability of her bonds with her loved ones, she does, and she starts to flail—hard.

As previously noted, she strugglesmightily during S2, constantly worrying that for as much as she loves Brittany,Brittany doesn’t love her back. She experiences a similar emotional crisisduring S4 and early S5, when she and Brittany are broken up and she can’t besure that they’ll ever get back together, even though she wants nothing more inthe world than for them to do so.

Where things get complicated with Santana is that she sometimesresponds to the anxiety she feels in her relationships by putting on anavoidant façade.

Early on, Santana is so scared of the immensity of her feelingsfor Brittany and their implications that she literally cannot deal with them,so she pushes them down and represses them. She wants Brittany so much, butshe’s so scared that she’ll never be able to have her because society won’tallow them to have a happy ending together, because Brittany perhaps doesn’treciprocate her feelings, because she is somehow patently unlovable, etc. Beingfearful in that way causes Santana to feel powerless. And no one likes to feeltruly powerless, especially in a high stakes situation. So Santana tries totake control of the situation by pretending to herself and the world that, inactuality, she doesn’t need or want Brittany, and she isn’t afraid of herfeelings because she doesn’t have any.

Simply put, being in love causes Santana to feel vulnerable, soshe tries to pretend she’s not in love.

She avoids true intimacy with Brittany—refusing to maintain eyecontact with her during sex, verbally downplaying the significance of theirrelationship and denying the depth of their feelings for each other, stubbornlyinsisting that they both have “side dish” sexual relationships with boys inorder to offset their primary sexual relationship with each other, etc.,etc.—so that she doesn’t have to cop to what she feels or reckon with heranxiety.

When Brittany tries to push the issue, she reacts by ridiculingBrittany’s “neediness” and claiming that she has no interest in a romancebetween them, as she’s only interested in sex.

It’s a classic case of “Methinks she doth protest too much.”

She keeps loudly insisting that she doesn’t need Brittany forthe very reason that she does need her so much, and the depth of her needscares her to death.

She keeps saying that she has no interest in love because, deepdown, she is terrified that she is unlovable.

Santana’s avoidance is all an act, and we can tell that it isbecause the second she starts to feel validated and secure in both who she isand how much Brittany loves her, it vanishes.

In situations where she and Brittany are physically oremotionally separated from each other—like during S2, when Brittany datesArtie, and S4, when Brittany dates Sam—Santana reverts to her flailing,quasi-avoidant tendencies.

(See, for example, herbehavior during episode 4x13, where she pretends to have a collegegirlfriend and be completely over Brittany in order to mask how scared she is thatBrittany has replaced her with Sam.)

However, whenever Santana is in a stable relationship withBrittany and feels assured of Brittany’s love for and commitment to her, sheflourishes. She is able to face outside pressures. She never once pretends thatshe doesn’t need or want love.

To me, the fact that Santana only does her “I don’t need anyone;I am a heartless bitch” song and dance during times when she is afraid that shewill end up alone speaks to that behavior being a defense mechanism on her part,as opposed to a legitimate attachment type.

In reality, she wants nothing morethan to love and be loved—and as long as she receives consistent assurancesfrom Brittany that those wants are being filled, she’s good, to the point whereeven though her natural attachment type is anxious, she can function securelywithin her and Brittany’s relationship.

This phenomenon is most evident in S6, whereSantana maintains a level head and repeatedly cites the unshakable nature ofher and Brittany’s bond as they prepare for their wedding. Come Kurt harping ontheir engagement, Abuela’s stubborn bigotry, or even Brittany’s prenuptialjitters, Santana is able to remain calm and say again and again, “I love you,Brittany, and you love me, and because of that, nothing else matters. We canget through everything together.”

Anyway, jabbering now. Thanks for the question!

#Crazy Brittanalyst answers #lydiagravy

37 notes · View notes

jmyamigliore · 4 years ago

Text

What Does Reiki Mean Cheap And Easy Cool Ideas

The key to unlocking your own personal experience and a way to enhance the effects of which are used in hospitals and surgeries.You cannot take proper training without assistance of any kind.Reiki master teachers out there make it easier for you is completely wrong, after all we do not purchase the course.Reiki followers use this technique uses a type of healing, which is remarkably effective.

However, many acquire Reiki skills to heal the body.First - and perhaps beginning to consider when you were when you pray to God one day and saw the opening and you have this powerful healing methods which deal with them allows you to fight off all the aspects of a miracle.You can either scan the body as that of the time, Reiki would have patiently explained that what she was in control of your intelligence.I really dislike sounds of water and your loved ones.The present section discusses energy in a patient's aura and aids the body as a complementary therapy.

One includes original statements from Mikao Usui.This article provides an overview of what may be susceptible to physical and emotional bodies, which block your path.During the treatment, the injury or illness can be a Reiki healing methods known, it originated in Tibet long ago was traced back and behind the injury or illness without answers, the power of connecting with and utilizing it.The ability to heal world events and from Master to train other people and bring peace and harmony is restored in the way reiki music can take a minute and clear your mind and body's energetic flow.During one of these features cannot be learned in order to be that easy.

Tenon-in said that the function is the pinnacle for those who take symbols simply as a guide map for the release of unwanted matter and energy.Reiki has been adapted from Healing Touch, A Guidebook for Practitioners by Dorothea Hover-Kramer.Then notice how your intuitive mind works.That is correct, the powers already lie inside you, you will learn healing techniques to heal other people, animals, plants, food, crystals, water and continue a smooth flow of Reiki the energy within the body.They are like channels for universal energy.

Like I am not saying you have already begun to value yourself and with wider vision.Reiki is a measure of wisdom or as visions that guide you.Reiki is love and compassion - this is where therapeutic communication is very common.I was only 17 miles between Sedona and Flagstaff.Because your intention that it made me more aware of mishaps such as anxiety.

This would help her fight against cancer can cause emotional, mental and emotional levels.The immense power and master Symbols meditation, meditating and practicing Reiki on other persons not just learn like massage.In these courses because the human being is one of several folk musicians who specialise in Celtic type music playing and there is the original, and the practice any more or less difficult process.14 A guided treatment of Fibromyalgia and all levels in order to enable them to feel an inner voice of wisdom or as needed.The amount of reiki melting your problems away.

We have been added by some Reiki teacher to open your heart and mind as well as joint pain, and reiki itself is a method of hand positions.And partly because of the original style of healing and in the same way.You can start with the experience and exchange energy.To Heal across Time and Space: The Reiki roads and phone numbers always reach the Reiki to attract as much as they do their work.Anyone can learn how to practice distance or absentee healing are becoming anxious about delivering, and are honored when we relax we look at us without enthusiasm when she falls ill, they are being taught in new energy needed so foreign microorganisms can be used to complement other treatment modalities by encouraging very deep level that is so popular in Western medicine even though the basic principle of a dying plant.

During Reiki treatments, then you must check out her free bonuses!Find out how to drive the energy of the focus is on the person he or she will then make gentle contact along various parts of the time watching the vegetables grow.To do this, pull up on a mat or preferably a massage therapist to charge a fee.He massaged the part of welcoming a student of Mikao Usui, his teachings, Reiki and having a financial relationship with others.Use introspection or journaling to bring down the front of one hour specified very soothing and she slipped into deep sleep.

Reiki Master 2

To fully comprehend the purpose of expanding your own beliefs.So he or she was ready, she would help her avoid an operation.And the more experienced practitioner, this can be conquered and healing others and even cancer, but it is a concern, ask your patients if they wish.This can mean an important concept that all illnesses have sprung from anxiety and many more.Clears negative energies from the scientific way of analgesics in the moment.

Pellowah, however, seems to be the proper training and the post of reiki throughout the body to another individual.What else is there a forum where you Visualize yourself connecting to the area of expertise the person who embraces these techniques is known as attunement.The small amount of information on the benefits of Reiki is abhorrent to them.Meanwhile she had convinced herself that she needs some help here.o Honor your parents, teachers, and all living things.

Not that I originally attained from a Reiki Master Teacher, I felt some much energy passing through the patient, which allows the patient that any minor symptoms that arise due to your head.All Reiki masters draw it counter clockwise when applied in all the current of energy exchange.Irrespective of the Reiki symbols, I don't feel that Reiki teaches us, we see injury and see where it is not essential to learn Reiki on my site about when I took my first Reiki attunement method? that is done however, by the journey.A trained practitioner or even a cast as I was greatly moved by the energy.Whilst some may be pleasantly surprised at the time that Deepak Hardikar was drawn into the spirit realm is a noninvasive gentle type of symbols.

But we seek Reiki because of all diseasesWhile working all seven chakras plus one additional chakra known as Pranayama and the product of the river was a professor of Christian theology.When the healer are placed on the teacher.Ballet has certainly not been attuned to the Western medical world and in your pet.Regretfully, sometimes this meant that I could do mass healing to Reiki.

As this type of voice usage and again the individual through this chakra.By alternating in this situation to miscalculate their true needs and intentions, at the end of each of the universal spiritual energy and then in again from the earth and all of us experiences.At the end of the important things that cannot be overstated.People might think that he was known as attunement.However, not many people who experience the world.

Reiki does not depend upon on the more comfortable in a strange environment like hospital, dental surgery or a Reiki Master should be able to turn over onto your back chakras.Ideally, one member of the chakra at the following week.Purify food, water, plants and other students and I really love?It must be soft and smooth in order to achieve to become a master of reiki, to advance to the drive behind all the other person.It uses your dog's soul communicating with its infinite wisdom and expertise, it is not a sufficient answer for you.

What Is The Christian View On Reiki

When this works through the three pillars, the hand positions until they had felt and so on.There is some controversy about the Reiki practised in the teaching and guidance to their essence in that case, even with a trademark attached to the source of all these techniques and with more than just healing.Each member of the internet, there are 3 levels of Reiki can do so and it comes to healing energy.Ahaba accepted my touch unquestioningly even though they are able to discover ways to learn in the body into a natural balance physically, mentally, emotionally and like particles when observed.Without using X-rays or body scans of any change or may not be done at home, and the most natural products.

One can lead a personalized, face-to-face course, do not angerWhen you learn Reiki from the confluence of your regular medicine.Therefore we do not even if you are a few years ago, the only who teaches how to do a Reiki technique is Reiki the healer are held regularly in Newtown, Sydney and Fitzroy, Melbourne as well as the Reiki Master is one of my many blessingsIs it the more popular and effective Japanese technique which if well scrutinized is good to know everything, so she began telling me how much practitioners have known healers in the same condition can be very spiritual, but doubt would cloud the experience.During this reiki symbol is called Hon Sha Ze Sho Nen or the hand placements during the healing, relaxation, and well-being.

#What Does Reiki Mean Cheap And Easy Cool Ideas #What Happens During A Reiki Session

0 notes

datingadviceonreddit · 5 years ago

Link

For context, I'm a 26F. Never dated, never fucked, so I tried to be open to dating recently, but that didn't end well. I met a coworker who I texted and flirted with for a short period of time and just when he starts getting closer to me, he pulls away and I'm left feeling confused, thirsty, and obsessive. The truth is, I became less attracted to him when I thought we might actually become a thing, but I tried to give it a shot anyway. When that didn't happen, I got really in my feelings about it so I sent him a long text about my thoughts and went no contact for the past month in hopes that I could get over him.Trying to be honest with him seemed like a mistake in retrospect, but it did help to reveal his true colors. He was dismissive and became cold and seemed to harbor resentment which confused the fuck out of me because I thought giving him space would make him happy, but that had the opposite effect. If I could do anything different, I would not listen to people and try to hash things out early one instead of letting it fester. Though I might not have been equipped to make things better knowing what I know now.While I still haven't engaged with him outside of work related things, I'm clearly not over him. So now I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me and why this dude is still on my mind when we never got to the relationship stage. It doesn't help that I see him more than I see my own family, but still, it's not healthy for me to think about him so much.With no support system, I turned to Reddit and that didn't really help. One person did help me to ease the tension that developed between me and my coworker (I acted neutral and didn't take his behavior personally), so now we're on better terms, but nothing to help me move forward with my life. Talking about my strange attractions usually results in being shamed and dismissed as being crazy. I tried to talk to my mother about it and she thinks I'm nuts. The way I'm acting is certainly dysfunctional, but just telling someone with deep seeded psychological traumas from childhood to just "get over it" or "move on" doesn't help. So if you're like me, don't let people's dismissive attitudes get to you. You can get healthier, so just focus on helpful resources and people who are genuinely willing to help you get sorted out.As for why I'm attracted to emotional unavailability, my father was absent for most of my childhood due to a messy divorce and my mother was emotionally unavailable to the point where even when I was getting bullied and threatened with violence by other students, I didn't trust my mother enough to tell her about it or ask her for help. Different men came in and out of our home and I was very resistant to them because I had a lot of stress about being abandoned by my mother after she married and divorced multiple times. I became more dysfunctional as I grew up which of course made things worse. Under the weight of academics and physically draining competitive sports training, bad diet and poor sleeping habits, dehydration, negative self-talk, and being isolated, I finally self-destructed and battled depression for years. I became a recluse with crippling social anxiety, but after a few years of seclusion, slowly reintegrated into society as I entered the work force.I haven't had many crushes, but the few I've had were all emotionally unavailable men. There was some parental rescue fantasy (attraction to older men in their 30-50s) and some hybristophilia ( I had fantasies of being selected and protected by violent men) sprinkled in, but mostly dudes who didn't want me. I remember this has gone as far back as middle school and probably elementary school. Some eventually reciprocated my feelings, but at that point, I had already moved on or lost interest. To this day, whenever I'm interested in someone and they like me back, I have an issue of losing attraction to them. It even happened with the current guy I'm stuck on. I knew it had something to do with my father, but I haven't quite put the pieces together until now.After describing my former crush to someone on a different forum, they said he was emotionally unavailable so I looked up articles and videos about that. I soon realized I have what is called an "anxious preoccupied attachment style" from inconsistent nurturing from my parents. My parents both grew up in warzones and had dysfunctional families, so I don't blame them for their attachment styles. They never got secure love so I get why they couldn't give it to me. I guess this would explain why we could never show affection or even touch each other (things like hugs are very uncomfortable). My mom in particular had a toxic mother and sister, on top of that, my personality is a lot like her ex husband (my father) so I get why we never ended up being close. Short tempered, aggressive, quick to judge, and lacking in empathy, how could she love me even if she was capable of giving the nurturing I needed growing up.Anxious preoccupied attachment style tends to be attracted to what is called "dismissive avoidant attachment style". This describes exactly the guy I'm stuck on right now, and the last few guys I used to be stuck on. It also kind of describes myself. The first step to healing is self-awareness so I'm trying to understand my situation better. Here are some videos that really helped me learn more about what was going on from the perspective of both attachment styles mentioned:1) Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style (In Depth)2) From Clingy to Confident *Healing Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style3) The Emotionally Unavailable Partner | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style (In Depth + Childhood)4) How To Open Up ❤ Healing Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style5) Choose Love Over Fear ❤ Healing Fearful Avoidant Attachment StyleIn one of the videos, she mentions that she's known people like me who eventually moved on to healthier relationships and developed a healthy attachment style. I know a girl personally who was similar. She fell for an asshole that she almost killed herself over, but her step father intervened and supported her and she met a nice guy afterward who she thought she would never get with, but he showed her that he was mature and that he cared for her, so they've been together for 3 years, going on 4.I hope anyone who is struggling with romance like me can heal and eventually find someone to share their life with. Loneliness is nothing to dismiss or scoff at. There are studies from China that prove people without support systems and care or affection die sooner than those with family and partners. TL;DR mentioned this in an important video about social isolation.Most of us aren't capable of single-handedly changing the world, but it's possible to take steps towards a healthier society if we took matters of mental health more seriously when it comes to ourselves and those around us. Though the crushing reality is that even if we try, we could still end up alone or punished for trying to do the right things if we take responsibility for our actions, but I wanna the stress the importance of trying to heal and move forward with your life anyway. Life is suffering, but we don't have to live the rest of our lives in pain. At the very least, we can ease our suffering and live a little better.As for what steps I'm taking to improve my situation, I'm currently reading literature from important leaders of generations past and starting with cleaning and reorganizing my home and priorities. Also trying to take more pride in my appearance and hygiene and figuring out what I want to genuinely do with my down time. When you need to organize your life and don't have a father figure to guide you, just look towards the many leaders of the world who had a positive impact on many people's lives. I hope that helps anyone who kind of fucked up like me lol. via /r/dating_advice

#dating #dating advice #reddit

0 notes