#thanks for letting me talk about my favorite cephalopod ever

[dailycephalopods]

what be your favorite cephalopod

I have lists of my favorites but if I had to choose one out of them it would be The Gloomy Octopus!

Octopus Tetricus, nicknamed The Gloomy Octopus for it's big droopy eyes!

It was originally thought to be a solitary species but they can actually be quite social and have been observed making dens within close proximity of each other!

In fact there are two octopus "cities" that have been discovered called Octopolis and Octlantis, the 2 sites are within a few hundred meters of each other and up to 14 octopuses have been observed living in one of these cities at once.

(Above is a picture of two gloomy octopuses from the Octopolis site)

Octopolis is made up of several dens and some human debris, namely a large cement block structure that has been seen with 3 octopuses nestled in the nooks at once. This led scientists to believe these octopus cities could only form with the condition of human structures, until they discovered Octlantis only a few hundred meters away from the original site, which was only made up from octopus-made dens.

The thing about gloomy octopuses is that they're ecosystem engineers, and what I mean by that is the way they interact with the environment around their den creates an active ecosystem.

(Video of an Octopolis resident cleaning it's den of shells)

When they make a den they often leave piles of discarded shells around, these shell piles create great hiding places for smaller prey that they can easily catch. These small fish attract larger fish, and the cycle builds. And it is absolutely incredible.

There's a lot to love about these guys and you will surely see me posting more of them on here!

[starsunderwaterr]

Comfort with the Idols + Agents! (pt. 1)

Hey guys! I really do apologize for the late posts. Trying to manage my time better. Not even gonna hold you all, my week's been pretty ass, and I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we could all use a little bit of comfort from our favorite cephalopods. Enjoy guys, love you ♡

I'll just be doing Squid Sisters for this part bc I am currently on a plane traveling home and I am off the extremely desired two hours bro

All characters are 18+

Minors DNI

Callie!

Welp

Girlie knows exactly when you’re upset

She can just read you that good because she’s the same way way herself

She can tell when you’re upset based on your body language, and she’ll do her best to be there for you

She’ll start by sending a few texts, but of course, it depends on the situation

‘Heyyy!! I noticed you were really off today and I just wanted to make sure you were feeling okay!!! (≧◡≦) ♡ let me know if there’s anything I can do to help!! ♡ ♡’

She doesn’t always want to press, but if you let her in, she’ll be all over you (in a good way)

Anything you need, she’ll get, and she means it

Water, candy, your favorite takeout place, a gun

In all seriousness, if you ask her to come over, she will bring a whole bunch of your favorite comfort things, go on a whole spending spree just for you so that you can feel better

She's definitely gonna make you something hot and warm, grab a blanket, and sit down with you on the couch to talk

Will take your hands and hold them with such gentle care omg>>>

Her hands are also super soft???? Like, girlie takes such good care of her skin

So she's holding your hands and she's just looking at you in your lil sad burrito

The softest voice, "Hey, it's gonna be alright. Tell me what's going on..."

You can't help but tell her, she's just so comfortable to be around

Halfway through telling her, you burst into a sob, and instantly her arms are around you

Will hold you gently but securely so that you feel safe

Will rub your back and kiss your head

Is like,,,, scarily calm but genuinely worried about you, especially because it's not every day that you break down in her arms

“It’s okay to cry, (Y/N). Just let it out. I’m here.”

Her voice is always so gentle and calming, and she’s surprisingly a good listener when things get serious

Holds you until you tire yourself out, and even then, she’s not going to let go unless you make the move or say so

And she’s really going out of her comfort zone for you, since she gets extremely antsy after sitting for long periods of time, so she really does care for you

Will stay with you for however long you need, grabs you anything you ask for

Will try to sympathize with you through her own stories and whatnot

“You don’t ever have to hide it from me because eventually I will figure it out anyways!”

Okay nah but like why is it actually cute when she threatens you like that

Causes your chest to swell just a tad

Will literally stare at you before saying like the sweetest/most adorable thing ever

"You know I'm really happy I met you. I know I don't say it enough but thank you for being my friend and so much more."

Will literally bring you to tears like-

You had a bad day but your girlfriend just swoops in and brings you a care package, cuddles, AND A HEARTFELT MESSAGE LIKE HUH??????

We fr love Callie, she a real one <3

Marie!

So, Marie is observant, but maybe not in the way you'd think

She will notice changes in your behavior, but she doesn't say anything until it concerns her (AKA when she can get enough evidence to tell that you are not normal HDSHHHD)

Will notice you get either really quiet or way too bubbly (even if you are naturally)

Eyes you suspiciously and will stare into your soul before then having her aha moment

“So there is something wrong, you just didn’t want to tell me.”

You can’t really keep a poker face after that, I’m afraid

She’ll stare into your soul and glare at you (lovingly, of course) with her arms crossed over her chest

“Come on, (Y/N). Can’t fool me with that crap.”

Will soften up though once you respond, especially if you try to push her away or get snappy

“You don’t have to tell me, of course, but… I am worried about you.”

If you want your space, she’ll leave you be, but she’ll check up on you after a few hours

She knows the importance of and loves her alone time, so if you want it, she will, by all means, give it to you

After a few hours, she stands in the doorway, knocking softly on the doorframe, “Hey (Y/N)?”

Marie is usually very dry and nonchalant, but she has some care in her voice

Will look at you with soft, saddened eyes as you’re in your little sad burrito, trying to remain as gentle as she can be

Walks over and just scoops you up, even if you're heavier than her, SHE'LL MAKE IT WORK OKAY-

Holds you in her lap and will cradle you close

and yes her face is bright red and she's embarrassed but she's doing this for you bro

Will gently stroke your head and kind of hum gently as she does

I see Marie as a sort of grandma type (I mean, Callie calls her one all the time-) so I can see her literally holding you and crotcheting or something while you just relax against her

Will occasionally mumble something about a stitch pattern and kiss your head, or she'll talk quietly with you as she does it and holds you

Might crack the occasional joke to try and cheer you up

Will be stitching you a little cat/bunny hat, will look back at it, then at you, then back at it again, then back at you and just-

"Yeah, you'll look reallll ugly in this.-"

LIKE MS. GOWRL-

Will give you a look like YOU DID SOMETHING LIKE WHAT-

It works tho bc girlie gets you giggling out of pure confusion and caught-off-guardness (yes, that's a word bc i said so)

She doesn't actually mean it tho, I mean, come on, you're her partner of course she thinks you're gorgeous

Obvi if you're really upset she won't say that, but her dry and emotionless humor is a love language she uses to try and cheer you up

She loves you fr fr <3

[doublegoblin]

Get To Know My OC (Andrea time)

Thank ya to the ever cool @asterhaze for the tag (wasn't popping up for a notif but I did see my little name in your bunches of people)

I've done this for Alex and Dave (I think lol) so this time I'll be filling this one out for the lovely Andrea; second in command to Alex and honestly the one who helps keep them sane. Let's go!

Are you named after anyone? 

To be perfectly honest; maybe? I don't often talk about it, but, back when I first came here, back when I had those memories still; there was just something about that name that stuck to me. I'm not sure if it was that portion of me's name, someone we liked, or like...whatever else. I still really like it, and it feels like it suits me. Though if I was looking for a change I'd probably go with something like a Rebecca or Sally. Best friends before I started working for the large and looming. Like they still are my best friends...I think? We chat every once in a while but what with work and all...I'm sorry, that wasn't part of the question!

When was the last time you cried? 

Saw a really cute bunch of Dreamers hanging out on the park benches before coming here so uh...I'll let you put those pieces together.

Do you use sarcasm? 

Depends on who I'm around. Most of the other co-workers are fine but uh, boss and big boss? Yeah, nah, it'd turn into one of those moments where you try and make a joke but then that other person makes it out into a whole big lecture. Alex I think would be more likely to tolerate if not understand it, I mean they've tried their hand at it before anyway. Dave on the otherhand...good luck explaining the nuance of that kind of thing to a god. I swear, you'd have a better chance trying to convince him to change the uniform mandate.

Do you have kids? 

Mostly the new batch of newbies that stumble in. Unless you mean the other part of me? Then I have no freakin' idea!

What’s the first thing you notice about people? 

How well they can take a little ribbing. Most people are pretty chill and even tag along. But some, hooo boy, they throw a giant fit! "Oh give it back!" this "How did you even get ahold of it?" that. Bunch of killjoys.

 What’s your eye color? 

So! The shade I'm going with now is like a mix of a soft lavender with an undercut of hazel! When I get bored of it I'm sure I'll change. I love lavender though! Oh my gosh it has to be one of the best colors of the visible spectrum! I haven't tried ultraviolet though...ya know what, think I got a new style to try out.

Scary Movies or Happy Endings? 

Every waking moment here is a nightmare of horrors and corporate smothering...so happy endings are nice!

Any special talents? 

I can throw a knife reeeeeally good. Like, really good. Care to see?

Where were you born? 

Skip

What are your hobbies? 

Oh man don't put me on the spot like this! Uhm...wow mind is a complete blank. I promise I'm not boring! I just...uh...well...I like to go for walks? Do crosswords? Uhm...ugh! I hate these kinds of question so skip!

Do you have any pets? 

Oh my god! *she rummages around in her pocket and pulls out a heavily creased photo* This is Piere! *unfolding the photo you are greeted with the chittering maw of some kind of furry cephalopod * He is the sweetest little Mawlite! He's about three cycle old so still just a hatchling! Now despite his sweet looks he can be such a little rascal! Why recently-*for roughly the next 2-3 hours she enthusiastically goes over every small detail of her pet, the words all blurring together at some point*

What sports do you play/have played? 

Uuuuhm, look I'll be honest with you. If I'm not out working I would much rather set my happy ass down on the couch and snuggle my wittle baby~ But, I was pretty okay at archery.

Favorite subject in school? 

If there is anyone out there who liked anything about onboarding or those stupid preliminary classes I wou-you know what no, I know at least one person. Let me level with ya, I have forgotten most of the nitty-gritty so we'll just skip this question also.

Dream job? 

Despite my bitching, I couldn't think of a better department to work in. Well...maybe the Wildlife sector but then I'd have to deal with that manager and wouldn't have as much time to be home and all that jazz. Though, I would get a sick kit. Knowing Dave though this will be going onto an official record so I'll just say I'm happy where I am.

Tags!: @stanrendipity @lola-theshowgrl @tailoroffates @tisiphonewolfe (Idk how many you have done for these!) @gummybugg @moonluringfrost @mysticstarlightduck

[candied-peach]

ao3: “octopuses give the best hugs” rating: T warnings: age regression, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit, intrulogical genre: fluff description: Remus has a surprise.

Logan sighs, rubbing his eyes. Exhaustion looms like an ever-present specter, but he's gotten Thomas's schedule done for the next two weeks, barring any surprises, and he supposes he'll have to be content with that.

An exuberant knock sounds on the door and Logan smiles. Only one person is always excited enough to knock like that. Sure enough, when Logan answers it, Remus nearly bowls him over, octopus plushie in one hand and coloring book haphazardly flapping in the other. The octopus onesie he's wearing cues Logan in on what's going on, as Remus barrels past him and flops on the bed with a giggle.

"I sneaked out!" Remus declares happily, as Logan closes and locks the door. "Only Dee Dee saw me. That's 'k, right?"

"Of course it is," Logan warmly says. "Dee Dee is your friend." And Deceit will never mock you, he thinks, but doesn't say. Remus wouldn't understand properly right now, anyway. He's age regressed.

Sometimes he does that. Logan isn't sure why, although he can hazard a guess or two. He thinks it stems from the pressure of Remus's intrusive thoughts. When he's a child, they calm down. He still has them. But there isn't that manic pressure there.

"Dee Dee is my friend," Remus says. "Um, I forgot my crayons." He looks up with a sheepish smile. Logan goes to the closet, pulling out the large box of regression gear he has stored in the very back, under a box of spare ties (just in case anyone is ever brave enough to venture into his room, although he keeps it locked when he's not there, anyway). Remus's eyes light up when he sees the jumbo pack of crayons that Logan has stored in there, and makes grabby hands at them until Logan presses them into his fingers.

"There you go," Logan says. "Do you need anything else? Pacifier, sippy cup, snacks?" Remus ponders for a moment, fingers loosely wrapped around a teal crayon.

"Paci," he says. "P'ease." Remus's pacifier is green and decorated with an octopus. He happily pops it into his mouth.

"Anything else?" Logan asks, knowing that sometimes it takes a few tries.

"You," Remus says, pulling out his paci for a second. "Wanna cuddle."

That speaks volumes about why he's here, Logan thinks as he takes up a spot on the bed, letting Remus rest back against him while he colors. Normally, Remus is perfectly content to color or watch his cartoons alone. Logan never actually leaves him alone, but Remus is still surprisingly independent even when regressed (much to Deceit's dismay, as his secondary caregiver).

Remus gets clingy when something's wrong. When his intrusive thoughts get a little too personal. When one of the others have said or done something that cut just a little too deep. He doesn't know what it is yet (and he won't, not while Remus is regressed. Remus never talks about stuff like that when he's a child), but he will.

"Lo Lo?" Remus asks, drawing him free of his reverie. "Look what I did." He points down at the paper. It's a picture of Cinderella, only Remus has drawn her foot being ripped off. It's...a  little too graphic for Logan's tastes, but he praises Remus anyway. It's not like Remus can help it. He's tried coloring and drawing stuff that Roman would. But no matter how cutesy and innocuous the prompt, it always comes out like-

Well, like this.

"Lo Lo, here," Remus says, draping his octopus plushie around Logan's neck. Logan blinks in surprise.

"Thank you, cephy," he says, shortening 'cephalopod' into Remus's favorite nickname, regressed or not. "What's this for?"

"You look like you need it," Remus says with a shrug and returns to his coloring.

Touching one of Remus's treasured octopus's plush arms with a gentle hand, Logan can't help but smile.

[onewhodiedyoung]

instructions: tag ten people you’d like to know better

I was tagged by @ayokaya, thank you <3

name: ...... let’s say Aleks or Ale(Alé?) is an acceptable variation of it and leave it at that. In Starbucks I’m known as Hermenegilda though because unfortunately, yes, I am that kind of person

starsign: virgo but I don’t identify with it because it’s a lie

hogwarts house: 100% Ravenclaw no matter what Pottermore says

height: I... don’t... know.... last time they measured me was like 4 years ago in school but I think maybe sth like 167cm?

favorite animal: JELLYFISH. Also love cephalopods but jellyfish are life and my biggest not-literature-related obsession, as weird as that sounds

dogs or cats: axolotls.

when you made your blog: I don’t know where to check it but like less than a year ago, I’m very new here :,)

why you made your blog: idk, something possessed me I guess. maybe for all the angsty poetry on here. It sure is why i stayed

reason for your url: i might love Cloudbusting a tad more than a healthy amount

what i am wearing: a sweater. always sweaters, even when it’s too hot for sweaters. The more kitschy the better. also fun (not really) fact: somehow, i don’t own even one pair of jeans

dream vacation: mountains, always, always. if not mountains, then sea. New Zealand, please, world.

instruments: like if i play one? I don’t but I will learn to play the piano eventually, I swear I will, I just have to. Either that or marry a pianist who’ll play for me. preferably both tbh

celebrity crushes: maybe ben wishaw (though really it’s more of a crush on his voice) and i don’t know..... i really think they’re often absolutely beautiful and awesome people but I’m not a hardcore fan of any one person except for authors and that hardly can be described as a crush so... I did use to tell people that I would marry young Meryl Streep if I had the chance I guess?

random facts:

what’s your job: well up till recently i worked as a waitress in a shitty dessert place but the virus freed me from the shackles of hospitality since i went back home. Also am a student.

if you could go back to school would you: well I’m enjoying uni for what it’s worth. as for, i don’t know, let’s say high school, yes but only if it were a different system where i could actually choose the subjects i’m interested in and where they’d teach critical thinking not just historical dates from the 12th century + no mandatory religion where you have to say a joint prayer every time and no brainswashing so, basically, definitely not in Poland!

a job you had that would surprise people: the waitressing was my first but the shit that used to happen there sure was interesting even if the place wasn’t. apart from that, having to make my 14yo brother scrambled eggs because he d o e s n ‘ t k n o w h o w. Also, not actually a job, but i’ve been proofreading essays for almost everyone i know all my life (which got awful when one guy went all far-right and i had to spellcheck his musings on why everyone who’s not Christian and straight sucks)

do you think aliens are real: this is something i shouldn’t be allowed to talk about because ever since I read Lem’s Solaris i have a million opinions on the subject but let’s say that I do but that I also believe that whatever other lifeforms are out there are not only not green and big-eyed but just generally not made out of things we have on earth that are comprehensible to us if that makes sense (i kind of think of it like those colors we’re not able to see that we therefore also can’t imagine but that we’ve proven exist)

what’s your guilty pleasure: eating double cream with a spoon...... also my whole ao3 account

tattoos: as of now, i don’t have any

any phobias: I’m so terrified of the things that live at the bottom of the ocean and in lakes and just generally of huge bodies of water, which is pretty ironic considering how much i love them. also every time i’m on a plane i spend the whole flight curled up into a ball praying for quick death. Also people. People very scary. Actually, here’s the thing: I’m scared of everything, always, and have very weird nightmares every night like not even traumatic stuff just.... my brain, i swear

do you talk to yourself: not out loud, no, but you know how you can text yourself on facebook? I often yell at myself there :,)

what movie do you adore: I can’t pick one favorite so here are the few i can’t live without: My Own Private Idaho, Moonrise Kingdom, The Handmaiden and Spirited Away (but also Lilo and Stitch)

the first thing that you remember you wanted to be when you grew up:  either an archeologist or a marine biologist, not sure which was first. And I pretty much always wanted to be a writer but I’m not counting it since i still want to be one and also that’s not a job, that’s just the euphemism for being miserable

This was fun! I’m tagging @rhymaes, @hanabiangel and @dullahan168 if you guys feel like doing it <3

[likethetailofacomet]

Viewing Party

So the other night @ooo-barff-ooo and I were talking about how much we loved our TRR MCs, Claire Berkley and Joanna Malone, and how it would be cool if they were friends and I was like well what if they were and then this happened. 

Without further ado, I give you the ultimate friendship of C and J, getting drunk together and watching everyone’s favorite fairy tale on live television: The Royal Romance- Liam and Riley’s wedding. 

FEATURING: JOANNA MALONE, CLAIRE BERKLEY, AND DAN DAN THE BARTENDER MAN. 

“See you tomorrow, Dan,” Claire called from behind the bar.  “Same bat time, same bat place.” He said over his shoulder. He gave a one handed wave and strode toward the front door and sweet freedom. He’d been there since 11 am and it was approaching midnight- the joys of working a double shift- and he was due for another one in the morning, so he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Claire had come in at 5pm, and would sling drinks until last call at 4am, when the shift workers and doctors and construction guys and fisherman had had either thier first or last drinks of the night. Joanna would open, Dan would pull the double, and Claire would close. That was the general flow.

Tonight, though, was not a general night. At roughly 5 am EST the most anticipated marriage of the year would be televised live- the Cordonian Royal Wedding-New York bartender Riley Brooks was rising to the rank of queen as she married future king Liam Rys after falling in love with him in the most modern of Cinderella stories: she took out the trash at his bachelor bash and ended up stealing his heart and his hand.

Claire checked on her ten or so customers, making sure that all of their glasses were full before slipping into the closet they called a kitchen. There was a single basket fryer, a flat top that could fit no more than four frozen burger patties, and a coffee maker. She reached for the can of Folger's on the top shelf and scooped some of it into the brew basket before jamming it into the machine and pressing "start". She leaned against the counter ledge as she waited for the deep brown liquid to fill the little clear pot, pulling her phone from her apron to text Joanna.

-Hey girl, you're stopping for snacks right? I'm starving. 

Jo had been off from work since 5pm when Claire got in. She'd gone home and taken a nap before running a few errands for the viewing party they'd been planning ever since they saw that first tabloid article about the Prince choosing his bride. Claire and Jo were not the type of girls who would normally get so involved in the billion dollar weddings of fancy rich nobles and dignitaries around the world- hell they had been invited to Steve's wedding- a guy they used to work with and actually knew without the need for magazine or television coverage- and despite their manager saying that they could close the bar for a night so everyone could go to the wedding, Claire and Jo declined, not really liking Steve...or weddings. "I have a school thing that night...um...presentation. Of my...thesis," Jo had said. She was working on her Master's degree while slaving at Keagan's, so her excuse seemed to work, even though it was a summer course and she wouldn't actually be working on her thesis for another five months.  "And um, I have an...appointment that afternoon that....I can't reschedule..." Claire chimed in her thinly veiled excuse. She did have an appointment...for hair color...and she'd really rather not reschedule it just to go sit at Steve's wedding. But this wedding, dubbed "The Royal Romance" by the media, was a different story, namely for who would be standing next to the Prince as he said his "I do's".

-Um, did you see the pictures of the Prince's friend? The dude with the hair and the eyebrows and the denim? He's all the snack we need, C. (but yes I also got snacks for eating) 

Claire laughed at Jo's response, typed out a quick one back saying how excited she was, and then poured herself a large black coffee before heading back to the bar to finish up her shift. As the last patron stumbled out the door and it shut with a tingling of bells, she flipped the sign to the closed side, locked the door and turned off the neon lights in the windows. She went back to the bar cooler and took a tray of jello shots out, setting them on the freshly cleaned bar top. She then went to her bag and took two brightly colored headbands that she’d attached lace and tooling and feathers and beads to, and set them next to the shots. Changing the channels on all the televisions to various news stations, she sat back and enjoyed the “pregame coverage” of the wedding while she waited for Joanna. Just as she finished the last of the coffee she’d brewed hours earlier, she heard a tapping at the window and looked over to see her friend waving excitedly and holding up a bag. Claire set her empty coffee mug down and crossed the bar to open the door and let Jo in.

“Welcome to the wedding of the century, Madame,” Claire greeted her with a flourish and a funny bow.

Jo did an awkward curtsy. “Why thank you Madame, so pleased I could join you.” The two dissolved into laughter and headed over to the bar. Joanna hopped up onto a stool and took stock of the things Claire had laid out while adding the bag she’d brought with her. She picked up one of the headbands and laughed. “Oh my god, Claire, did you really make us fascinators?”

Claire raised her eyebrows. “Um, yeah I made us fascinators! Riley has been obsessed with fancy hats throughout the whole social season! Homegirl would not shut up about them- like, every chance she could get to wear one she did and she even brought them up in interviews… I thought it would be weirder if I didn’t make us fascinators.”

“Good point. I really don’t know how Prince Liam is looking past that. He must really love that dizzball.” Joanna plopped the colorful headpiece on top of her noggin and Claire took the other one and shoved it into her frizzy hair. Next Joanna picked up one of the shots Claire had made. “Ew, Jell-o shots?” she made a face, pulling one half of her mouth up to show her disgust.

“Caramel apple jell-o shots, to be exact. You know, because Cordonia’s obsessed with apples? And caramel because I’m obsessed with caramel.” She shrugged. “Once we’re a few drinks in we won’t care if they’re gross.”

“So true my friend. So,” she opened the shopping bag she’d had with her and pulled out several small plastic containers. “We’ve got…olives…stuffed grape leaves…and, drum roll,” Claire obliged, rapping her pointer fingers on the bar top. “Baklava! You know cause,” Jo shrugged, “Cordonia, Greece…they’re sorta the same right?”

“Sure. Probably not but sure.” Claire laughed and Joanna tossed an olive at her.

“Okay well they are tonight. Also,” next she pulled out a sheet of paper. “I made up a drinking game for this here wedding.” On the screen they were showing a photo montage of Riley and Liam from all the different events from the social season. “Okay, rules- If anyone mentions apples, or there’s a flag with apples or we see an apple tree or they say “Cordonian Ruby”, we take one of these gross shots here,” she pointed to Claire’s Jell-o shots. “Any time we see fancy hats, or some noble lady curtsies or some dude in a suit bows, we take a sip of our ciders. If they call Riley “The American” we finish ‘em.”

“Wait, let me get this straight. You made up a drinking game with no whiskey involved?” Claire asked, skeptically narrowing her eyes at Joanna.

“I wasn’t done, C! Okay, so any time Mr. broody Mc Brooderson Drake Walker, love of our lives and real reason that we are watching this ridiculous wedding at 5am, is shown looking like he wants to kiss Riley, we do a shot of whiskey in his angsty honor. I was going to suggest Fireball but-“

“But you remember the holiday party from last year. Yeah, everyone does,” Claire hid her face in her hands embarrassed, preferring to forget that night and the drunken mess she’d been.

“Right. I remembered the holiday party and how Fireball turns you into a demon. So, I figured SoCo would do.”

“Yeah, that’s never made me dance on the bar while trying to fight Steve, so good call.”

Joanna nodded. “Any rules you want to add?”

Claire thought for a moment and then something blue and…unique…caught her eye on the screen. They were talking about Maxwell Beaumont again, and his propensity to wear themed suits. He had this hilarious blue suit with a squid on it; even the bow-tie was a tiny cephalopod. “Oh! Yes! Every time they have to pan away from that,” she pointed to Maxwell in the suit, “so as not to ruin a picture or a shot, we take a cider sip.”

Joanna laughed. “Deal. Oh! Its starting!!” She spun her stool so she could lean back against the bar to watch. Claire poured them each a cider and they clinked them together before taking a sip, pinkies out. “Ugh, and to think, this girl worked right down the street from us. Like, this coulda been us, C!”

Claire blinked before they both burst into laughter. “Yeah we’d both make excellent queens, I’m sure.”

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Dan unlocked the bar door and opened it, setting the bells jingling. Before he had even set one foot inside, he heard the raucous laughter of his two best friends, and shook his head wondering what he was about to walk into. “Is it just me, Jo, or does the Queen Mother look like a Royal Ducking Bitch?” Claire’s voice was sing songy and full of laughter.

Joanna was laying her arms and top half on the bar top, laughing hysterically, almost to the point where she couldn’t get her words out. She managed to respond, “Quack, mother ducker!!” before giggles swallowed her ability to speak further.

“Did…did you two really just autocorrect yourselves?” Dan called, hands on his hips taking in the scene in front of him. They each had a funny looking headband dangling from their heads, empty jello glasses littered the bar, and at least three shots of whiskey each sat next to them. If only Drake hadn’t been pining for Riley The American Queen so badly, they wouldn’t have had to nearly finish the bottle of SoCo.

“Yes, Dan, we are at a fancy ducking event here.” Claire pointed to her fascinator, to how it was barely staying together after she and Jo had danced and drank and laughed and flopped against the bar top.

“Yeah, and we can’t be ducking rude and curse like sailors, Dan!” Joanna chimed in. “The Queen would not allow it!”

“She would not!” they had put on silly accents by now, not coming anywhere close to the Cordonian accent…or any accent in the world, really, but forcing so much laughter from one another that they cried.

“Okay tweedles C and J,” Dan clapped them both on the back. “Outta my bar, you drunkards. Go sleep off the wedding, I’ll see you back for your shifts in a few hours.” Now it was his turn to laugh almost to the point of tears, as they both groaned thinking about bartending while hungover at 3 in the afternoon.

“Worth it,” Jo said to Claire, high fiving her sloppily.

“Totally.” Claire answered.

tagging people who i think might find this funny even though its really the most gratuitous thing i’ve ever posted: @ooo-barff-ooo @sleepwalkingelite @brightpinkpeppercorn @zaffrenotes @endlessly-searching-for-you @mind-reader1 @andy-loves-corgis @agent-bossypants

[a-salty-alto]

Useless

Guess what everybody? There are 0 days left until Avengers Assemble season 4 airs! Steve and Tony are back at 11:30 EST! Here’s my fic for the countdown!

One day, the Avengers have a particularly grueling fight against a giant fire-breathing squid. That also flies. No one on the team would be eating calamari any time soon. Steve isn’t able to talk to Tony the whole fight, simply because flaming cephalopods that sprouted from swamps proved to be a little to random for Tony to give combat advice without constant updates, which are hard to give with flaming tentacles waving around and smacking everything in sight. After the fight, Steve passes by the little cupcake shop in Brooklyn that he and Tony loved to visit, and it should make him happy, make him think of his dates with Tony, but it’s just a reminder that he can’t surprise Tony with his favorite batch. Steve can’t really do anything  for Tony now.

That night, Steve can’t sleep. He’s no stranger to nightmares, especially ones about losing the  people he cared about, but now Tony isn’t there to hold him and let Steve fall asleep to the soft hum and faint glow of the Arc Reactor. 

Now his dreams are all about Tony, and they’re so much worse than his nightmares about Peggy, or Bucky, or the Howling Commandos, because in his dreams, Tony doesn’t get whisked away by magic and Steve has to fight him to defeat Ultron. Steve has to kill him to defeat Ultron, and Tony is always asking him, begging  him to just finish it, to end Ultron once and for all. Steve isn’t sure if he does or he lets the world burn around them as he holds Tony close, because that’s when he wakes up.

Steve’s gasping for air and trying to calm down when all of a sudden, Tony, because it could only be Tony, starts singing to him. The tune’s soft and Steve is distantly aware that it isn’t in English, but all Steve can really think about is that, even trapped in another dimension, Tony is still trying to take care of him, while Steve can’t do anything to help bring him home. All Steve can do is talk with him about the weather.

As he let’s Tony’s singing lull him to a calm, dreamless, sleep, Steve wonders if he’s ever been this useless.

Even though he wasn’t around much, Howard had always been quick to remind Tony of one piece of advice: if you couldn’t make yourself useful, you were worthless. So Tony tries to make himself useful. He lets himself think that he’s being helpful whenever he talks about strategy with Natasha, or science and upgrades with Sam. He even lets himself believe his talks with Steve about his day or the weather serve some purpose. 

He’s able to keep the lie going until the Spicy Calamari of Death attacks New York and Tony can’t do anything to really help. He’s supposed to be a genius, but he can’t figure out the best way to kill a giant squid. Instead, he just listens, and hopes that every time a member of the team grunts or cries out in pain that it isn’t serious or life-threatening.

That night, he hears Steve toss and turn in his sleep, whispering to himself, and it’s like the shrapnel is moving back towards his heart. Steve, his lover, can’t sleep and Tony can’t do anything to help.

Eventually Tony starts singing. He doesn’t know why, he’s pretty sure that Steve can’t hear him anyway, and it’s just a little Italian lullaby his mother used to sing to him. Steve’s sleep steadies and Tony hears the Captain’s breathing even out. Tony stops singing, and waits. It’s not like he needs sleep anymore. In this place, when everyone else is asleep and he can’t talk to them, it feels like Tony has eternity to think of how useless he is.

The next morning, Steve wakes up earlier than the others and goes into the common area to make breakfast before going on his morning run. 

“Good morning Tony,” Steve says.

“Morning. How’d you sleep?” Tony replies, and Steve smiles fondly, even though he knows Tony can’t see it.

“Best sleep I’ve had in awhile. Thank you, by the way.”

“ For what?”

“The song.”

“You don’t have to do that, Steve,“ Tony answers hesitantly.

“Do what?”

“Humour me like this. I know I can’t really do anything to help you guys from here. You don’t have to waste your time-”

“Tony. no,” Steve interrupts. He’ll never understand how, after all they’ve been through, Tony can think so little of himself. “I’m serious, you really are a big help.”

“Right, sure Steve,  just tell that to the giant squid. Has Clint named that yet?”

“No, and Tony, it really isn’t your fault that you can’t help with battles when we can’t tell you what’s going on.If either of us is useless, it’s me.” Steve sighs.

“Useless? Steve you’re fighting giant cephalopods and helping people!”

“Yeah, but I can’t help you. I don’t know anything about magic or technology, I can’t bring you home.”

“Can’t help?” Tony laughs. “Steve, just you saying ‘good morning’ every day keeps me from going crazy. And hearing about all of you, and what’s going on back home, it’s perfect.”

There’s a pause for a bit, before Steve chuckles.

“Guess we were both worrying a bit too much.”

“Yeah, looks like.”

They go back to their new normal routine, Steve going into extra detail about everything that’s been going on now that he knows a bit more just how much it means to Tony, when the call to Assemble goes out.

Before Steve leaves, they make plans to go to the cupcake shop, and the lovers share an unspoken promise.

We’ll be together soon.

[ghostsinthewoods]

Chapter Two: Party People

“Mae, you’ll be fine,” Bea sighed.

           Mae sat in the passenger’s seat of Bea’s car, squirming nervously as she looked at her friend. It was dark outside. Empty fields and farms rolled past the windows as they drove towards their destination. They’d already been driving for an hour, and had a while to go.

             “What do I say if I see her again, though?” Mae asked. Her nose wrinkled from the scent of Bea’s cigarette. Bea had cracked both of the front windows open, but they didn’t help much.

             “You could probably say ‘Hi’. That’s generally a safe bet,” Bea said, her tone as sarcastic as ever.

             “What if I come across as a creep?” Mae asked. “I mean, it’s been a few months since the last party. What if she forgot me? What if she found someone who’s, like, tall, and hot, and can talk good?”

             “You’ve been worrying about this for the whole car ride,” Bea sighed. “Look, if you see her, and you get nervous, then let me know. I’ll help you out.”

             That took Mae by surprise. “You’d really do that?”

             Bea chuckled. “Yeah. And, unlike you, I actually know how to play wingman.”

             Mae winced.

             “Sorry,” Bea said. “Didn’t mean to come across as, like, passive aggressive. That sounded funnier in my head.”

             “It’s fine,” Mae said. “And if we see Colin again, let me know, and I’ll stay far away.”

             Bea laughed at that. “Pretty sure that opportunity’s passed, Maeday. Don’t sweat it; plenty of fish in the sea.”

             “Squids, too,” Mae mused. “Wait, are squids fish?”

             “They’re cephalopods,” Bea said.

             “I knew that,” Mae said.

             A gas station passed them by on Mae’s side of the car. The station had an attached Snack Falcon, which made Mae wonder what Gregg was up to. He and Angus were on a date, but what were their dates like?

             Back in high school, she and Cole and Gregg and Angus had gone out as a group to Pastabilities at least once. But Gregg and Angus weren’t living together back then.

             Mae wasn’t even sure what a date at home would be like. Was it just, like, eating dinner, and cuddling? Would they wrestle? Who would win if they did?

             Angus had the size advantage, but he was a big teddy bear. Mae knew for a fact that Gregg was scrappy, and he had a mean headlock. Would Gregg use his headlock on Angus, though? Or did he love him too much?

             Is that what love is? Not using your best wrestling moves on someone?

             Maybe it was. It was a touching thought.

             Mae wouldn’t hesitate, though. She’d destroy anyone she wrestled; no matter how much she loved them. Mae wouldn’t eff around.  Mae would straight up suplex a bitch.

             Or try to, at least. She was pretty small, after all.

             Bombshell was around Mae’s size, though. She’d be easy to suplex. Or piledrive. Bombshell had looked like she could take a piledriver.

             Mae refused to get with anyone who couldn’t take a piledriver. If they couldn’t hold their own in a fight, they weren’t gonna get none of this.

             Mae felt like these were realistic relationship goals.

             The street was the same. Same pizza place, same goth dorks, same parking lot. The only thing that had changed was the weather.

             Weird, pounding music emanated from down the stairs that lead into the club. Bright lights seemed to leak out into the city streets, like they were painting the night air.

             They’d only been there for a few minutes, and Mae already wanted to go home. The last time she’d been here, it hadn’t exactly gone well. She was amazed she hadn’t caught a cold from running after Bea in the rain.

             That being said, the night had been worth it. Mae had found out she could dance. A hot girl flirted with her. And, most importantly, Mae and Bea had gotten closer. That awful night had pushed them together and made them stronger.

             All of that being said, of course, Mae was still scared out of her mind. And hungry. Mostly scared, though.

             “Hey,” Mae said as she and Bea approached the club entrance. “If things go south this time, you get to be the one to run after me on rooftops and shit.”

             Bea chuckled at that. She’d already lit another cigarette between then and them leaving the car. Mae briefly wondered where Bea was keeping all of these cigarettes. She didn’t have a purse on her.

             “If that happens, you’ll have to wait for a while. I’m not exactly athletic, Borowski.”

             “Yeah,” Mae conceded. “Yeah, you’ve got, like, twig legs.”

             Bea didn’t comment on that. Instead, she turned her attention towards the club’s entrance, where Jackie was waiting for them. Possum Spring’s favorite radical hurried over to Bea, pulling her into a tight, friendly hug. Mae stood off to the side, watching s the two got into a conversation.

             Instead of listening, Mae scanned the faces of the people who were loitering outside the club. She wondered if she’d catch sight of Bombshell without having to actually go into that basement full of college weirdos.

             No such luck.

             After a while, Bea and Jackie stopped talking, and Jackie led the two into the club. Mae had to admit, Jackie was good at hiding how much she hated Mae. That had to be an important life skill. If Mae hated someone, she was usually pretty obvious about it.

             “So, I want to introduce you to this guy, Bea,” Jackie said. Mae had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. Was Jackie, like, some sort of matchmaker?

             “You’ll like him, I promise. His name’s Buck Simmons.”

             Mae blinked. “I didn’t know Buck was an actual name,” she whispered to Bea.

             Beatrice laughed at that. “Alright, Maeday, time to see if you learned to talk good.”

             Wow. Bea wanted Mae to play wingman for a dude she hadn’t even met? Jackie must have really been a matchmaker.

             Jackie led the two out to the edge of the dance floor. A tall guy in a plaid shirt stood in front of the lit-up floor, drinking from a red plastic cup. Mae wasn’t sure what to make of him. He was kind of cute, in a really generic way, but he looked like he was trying too hard to be ‘college’.

             Like, he was what corporations and movie-makers thought a typical college student looked like.

             Well, whatever. Mae owed it to Bea to give it her best shot, didn’t she? And ‘best shot’ meant ‘don’t make fun of his dumb goatee.’ Even though it was really, really dumb.

             As the trio drew closer, Mae noticed that, for one second, a look of intense worry flashed on Jackie’s face.

             ‘Yeah, I’m with you, sister. Let’s hope I don’t blow this,’ Mae thought.

             Jackie moved to Bea’s side and put a hand on her shoulder. “Buck, this is my friend Beatrice. Bea, this is Buck.”

             Buck nodded. “Hi,” he said. “I’m Buck.”

             “I’m Mae!” Mae shouted out, perhaps a bit too loud. Jackie shot her a look, but Buck didn’t seem perturbed.

             “Yeah, cool,” he said. “I’m Buck.”

             Mae cast a glance at Bea, who seemed to be thinking the exact same thing about Buck’s double introduction. Jackie, too, looked a bit confused.

             “So, Buck, are you in school?” Bea asked. She spoke slowly, as if she wasn’t sure if Buck would understand.

             Buck shrugged and took a sip of whatever drink he had in his red, plastic cup. “I guess,” he said.

             Mae couldn’t tell if Buck was shy, stupid, high, or some combination of the three. She subtly looked towards Jackie, who looked back at her. Jackie’s confusion over Buck’s behavior seemed to equal Mae’s own.

             It occurred to Mae that this was probably the first time she and Jackie had been in total agreement over something. Neat. This was a friendship moment.

             Beatrice, bless her heart, tried to keep the conversation going. “So, uh, what are you studying?”

             “Yeah,” Buck said, and took another drink.

             A few moments of silence passed. Everyone seemed to be waiting to see if Buck would say something else.

             Buck continued the trend of being a garbage conversationalist, however, and simply continued to sip from his cup.

             “Well,” Bea said slowly, hurriedly looking to Jackie and Mae. “Well, Buck, it was nice meeting you, but my friends and I have to… go dance.” She began heading towards the dance floor, nervously signaling for them to follow her.

             “Yeah,” Mae said. “Nice meeting you, dude. Keep on keepin’ on.”

             As much as Mae would have liked to dance, by the time they were halfway across the dance floor, it became clear that Bea had just wanted to get away from Buck. And, I mean, could you blame her?

             “Jeez, Jackie, where did you find that guy?” Bea asked. Jackie shrugged, clearly embarrassed.

             “He’s in my sociology class. I mean, he seemed smart.”

             “Lots of people seem smart,” Mae pointed out. “I mean, I could seem pretty smart if I started talking about, like, dead people or dinosaurs.”

             “Thanks, Mae,” Jackie said with a sigh. “That’s really helpful.”

             Ah, there it was. Jackie didn’t have a lot of patience for shenanigans. She never had, even when they were kids. It was a shame. Mae kind of liked Jackie, but sometimes she seemed just too intense.

             Well, whatever. If she didn’t like her, she didn’t like her. No big loss.

              Mae searched the crowd once again for Bombshell. While Bea and Jackie talked about sociopaths or whatever, Mae looked at every head of hair, trying to find those violet highlights.

             She searched for what felt like minutes (But was actually closer to about 30 seconds), but Mae didn’t see any sign of her. That wasn’t good. Bombshell was half the reason Mae came down here.

             If Mae didn’t find her, this night would be a total bust.

             Fortunately, there was one person who probably knew where she was. Unfortunately, that person hated her.

             Mae tuned back in to Jackie and Bea’s conversation, which had moved on to some other thing Mae didn’t understand. Since what they were talking about probably wasn’t important, Mae decided it was fine to interrupt with her own question.

             “Hey, Jackie, can I ask you something?”

             Jackie had been midsentence when Mae had spoken up. Both she and Bea seemed a little annoyed, though Bea at least probably expected this sort of thing by now.

             “Uh, I don’t know if you noticed,” Jackie said, “but I was kind of talking to—”

             “Yeah, so I’m looking for someone,” Mae said. “The last time I was here, there was this really cute girl, and we really hit it off, and I want to see if I can maybe wrestle her.”

             Jackie blinked. “Is that a… euphemism?”

             “No,” Bea clarified. “She literally means wrestling. Do you think you could help her out, Jackie?”

             Jackie turned to Bea, then to Mae. For once, her usual dislike for Mae had given way to sheer confusion. “Help her… wrestle? Like, a tag team?”

             “I mean, if you want to form a tag team, we could,” Mae said. “We could probably win the tag team title, I think. I’ve got a mean suplex.”

             The music playing shifted to a slower, almost hypnotic dance melody. Although there were at least a dozen people dancing around them, and even more people were chatting to themselves, it seemed almost as if Mae, Bea, and Jackie were inside of their own little world.

             “Okay,” Jackie said slowly, the strobe lights irregularly highlighting her face. With the lights the way they were, Mae realized for the first time how much Jackie had changed since they were younger.

             “Alright, so what does this person look like?”

             “She’s a bombshell,” Mae said.

             “I’m going to need something more specific than that,” Jackie sighed.

             Mae didn’t really understand that. She hadn’t gotten a good look at anyone else in the club, but none of them were bombshells. Then again, everyone looked attractive in a dark room with pulsing lights.

             “Uh, she’s around my height, really cute, has, like, purple highlights in—”

             “Oh, her?” Jackie asked. “I don’t really know her that well. She’s just, like, big into clubbing, so sometimes she’s here during one of my parties. Not here tonight, though. I didn’t see her car.”

             “She’s hot and she has a car?” Mae asked, completely amazed.

             Bea chuckled. “Nice. If you two hit it off, you can get someone else to drive you around.”

             “Well, if she’s not here, then that’s a bust,” Mae sighed. “Oh, well. We can still do party stuff, right, Jackie?”

             “It’s a party, Mae. 99% of the stuff that’s going to happen will be party stuff.”

             Mae opened her mouth to respond, but someone bumping into her from behind shut her up. Mae was about to spin around and give whoever it was an earful, but an anxious apology quickly silenced her tirade.

             “Oh, jeez, sorry,” the stranger said. Mae turned, and saw perhaps the most nervous person she’d ever seen. And that was saying something, because Mae had seen herself.

             “Sorry,” the guy said. He was around Mae’s age, maybe a little younger. He was a pretty average, scrawny dude. The only real noticeable detail was his nose, which was bent and crooked. Weird.

             What was weirder, though, was that he looked sort of familiar to Mae.

             “Oh, hey, Drew,” Jackie said calmly. “Mae, Bea, this is Drew. He’s… someone’s boyfriend. I forget.”

             “Eli. I’m Eli’s boyfriend,” Drew said. He immediately looked apologetic for correcting Jackie.

             Drew nervously wiped his hands off on his khaki shorts and extended his hand for a handshake. His left hand. He seemed to realize his mistake, and quickly extended his right hand.

             “Nice to meet you, Bea,” he said as Mae shook his hand.

             “Thanks. I’m definitely Bea,” Mae said. “I could power a small city with my crankiness.”

             Drew looked confused, and he looked towards Jackie uncertainly. Jackie made a disgusted sort of sigh, and Drew seemed to get the picture rather quickly.

             “I’m Bea,” Beatrice said in a long-suffering tone. “That’s Mae. She thinks she’s funny.”

             Drew laughed at that. He laughed a little too loud and a little too long. People were staring now. The trio politely waited for Drew’s laughter to stop. It took a while.

             It took a little while longer for anyone to say something. The four stood in a small little circle of awkwardness. Drew’s arms were folded over his chest, his hands stuck in his armpits. Dude didn’t want to be here.

             Looked like it was up to Mae to get the conversation started.

             “So, Drew, what’s up with your nose? You, like, a boxer? Or a vigilante?”

             “Mae!” Both Jackie and Bea seemed to shout at once. Drew self-consciously moved his hand to his crooked nose in an attempt to cover it.

             Crap. That had sounded a lot funnier in Mae’s head. Why had she said that? It wasn’t something people said. People didn’t talk about noses like that. People didn’t talk about noses in general.

             Well, the best thing to do in this situation was to apologize. Probably.

             “That was… not a good thing to say,” Mae said. “Sorry. Sometimes I say things and I don’t know why.”

             “Yeah, we all noticed,” Jackie grumbled.

             “It’s fine,” Drew said. He slowly moved his hand away from his nose. “Sorry. It’s just a thing that happened when I was younger. No big deal; could’ve been a lot worse.”

             When he was younger? God, something about all of this felt so weird. It all had Mae, like, on edge.

             “Well, it was nice meeting you, Drew,” Bea said. She put her hand on Mae’s shoulder and pulled her back, almost trying to rescue her from embarrassing herself further.

             “Have a good time, Drew,” Jackie said. “Have fun, get wasted, whatever.”

             “Thanks, you too,” Drew said hurriedly. He hung around for a few second, and then turned to walk away. In a few moments, he was lost in the crowd of dancing dorks.

             “Well, that night was a bunch of nothing,” Mae sighed.

             Not a lot had happened after meeting Drew. That was probably a good thing. Mae had felt weird all night, and it was only now, on the car ride home, that she was feeling better.

             “It was alright,” Bea said. They’d only been in the car for a few minutes, and she already had a lit cigarette out. “It was good practice. You still need a lot of work, though.”

             “Yeah. I mean, I love parties, but I’m kinda shit at them.” Mae laughed sadly. Had she even been to a party where she hadn’t made an ass of herself?

             Aside from, like, grade-school birthday parties?

             No. No, Mae felt like she always wound up humiliating herself. Not just at parties, but at life in general. Parties were just, like, a prime example of Mae’s ability to eff things up.

             The party in the woods when Mae came home, the party where she’d gone chasing after Bea… hell, senior prom had been a kind of party, and it had definitely been a disaster.

             And then there was the party at Possum Leap. The party she wasn’t going to think about.

             Her first beer. The crappy snacks. Casey’s stepdad’s truck.

             No. Nope. Wasn’t going to think about it. No.

             Mae quickly tried to think of something else to think about.

             “Hey, did that Drew guy seem familiar to you?” She asked.

             Bea gave Mae a confused look. It was her ‘Where exactly is this coming from?’ look. Mae got looks like that from people all the time. She didn’t always get why, which she realized probably wasn’t a great sign.

             Beatrice turned her attention back to the empty stretch of highway before them as she considered Mae’s question. “Hard to say,” she said. “You’ve got a better memory for, like, names and faces and shit. I guess I might have seen him at a party before.”

             “Do you think he went to school with us?” Mae asked. She just couldn’t really shake this feeling, and it was starting to freak her out a little.

             Bea didn’t seem to share Mae’s fears. “No, he’s from Briddle, I think,” she said. “And I don’t really remember going to school with anyone named Andrew.”

             Mae blinked. “Andrew?” She asked.

             “Yes, Mae. Andrew. The long form of Drew. Names can be shortened.”

             “Weird,” Mae said. “Like, when you first hear someone’s name, you just assume that’s their name, you know? Feels weird to…”

             Mae felt the world start to spin. It was a familiar feeling. She hadn’t felt it since that night in November, right before she and her friends found out the truth about their town.  Mae’s mind seemed to be thinking things too fast for her to keep up, and the world refused to keep pace.

             “Mae?” Bea asked. Then, with growing concern, “Mae?!”

             The car screeched to a halt along the side of the empty country road. Mae breathed in and out harder than she could ever remember breathing. She’d already figured out what was wrong. But she couldn’t quite find the words for it. After all, the odds weren’t likely, were they? This could only happen if Mae had been, like, hexed by some sort of hateful witch.

             “Mae, are you okay?!”

             Bea sounded terrified. More than that, it seemed like she was panicking. That brought Mae back a little. She didn’t want her friend to worry. Sure, Mae was having a terrible panic attack and it felt like she was falling into a deep, dark hole, but why make your friend worry?

             Mae Borowski took in a deep breath, found her words, and said the only thing that came to mind.

             “Andy.”

             Bea stared at Mae in confusion. Realization began to dawn on her gothy, eyeshadowed face. Poor, sweet Beatrice. Sweet, innocent Beatrice who’d never beaten a kid’s face in with a softball bat.

             “You think that was him?” Bea didn’t sound disbelieving. She sounded shocked. Mae didn’t blame her; she was shocked.

             “Beatrice,” Mae said. “I am one million percent sure that was Andy Cullen.”

[dailystarplatinum]

We did it.. we made it to the big four digits. I never thought I’d get here, honestly. When I made this blog in May, I never thought I’d get to here. Maybe 2 or 300 followers, at the most?? Never this. 

 Here’s some sappy words to some people, I’ll cut this off because it’s going to be very long. 

 @daily-jojoanimals (I’m putting you at the top in case everything gets too sappy for you) I love your art a lot! The bright colors, the lines... I can’t draw animals for my life, but you? You’re amazing at it! Your blog is great and I hope that it gets more attention because you work really hard on all those drawings!

@dailydiadop nOON WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN… I love you and you’re probably my best friend. I have absolutely no idea where I’d be without you. Probably very very lost and very very confused. I’d also still be trying to figure out who is the best person at making hamburgers (it’s you). Honestly, if it wasn’t for you, I would’ve never gotten into jojo, or at least I would’ve taken longer to find out about it. 

 @dailynonbinaryukako eli I remember when we first started talking and it was kinda awkward but then I was like ‘oh hey I made a blog’ and you were like 'oh hey I should make one too’ and now look at us. You’re a huge nerd and I love talking to you about ocs and memes and my 1000+ year old hawk son and I think our muses need to interact more but you’re probably another big reason for why I’ve stayed in this community so long... I mean heck you’re the reason I joined Daily Discord Hell!

 @dailyhierophantgreen S C R E A M S ILY RAY I can’t believe you looked up to me once… I mean first of all I’m like 5 foot 4 there isn’t much to look up to and second I can’t believe my art is of the quality and skill for someone as amazing as you to look up to it…. anyways you’re an amazing person and I love all of your hierophant doodles and I hope that we can draw more stargreen ship stuff and memes this year! 

 @daily-caesar Adam, you’re hilarious and really nice, and I love all of your Caesar and Torq and Capt doodles (how do you even doodle them so fast??? Ho w)! You always enjoy my Fresh Memes ™, and you always manage to put a smile on my face. 

 @dailysmolnareff  I don’t know if I’ve ever told you this, but you were one of my favorite daily blogs that I was scared and/or unsure of how to interact with. If only my oblivious past self could see us now. You are number one, Cami. Never forget that.

:mon:

 @dailystoneplatinum you’re definitely another huge reason why I’ve been inspired to try so hard with art on this blog and art in general. You’re one of the nicest people I’ve ever met, a huge inspiration, and I also always enjoy talking with you (ah yes one in the morning talks about Jolyne’s stand and how it’s unfair that Pucci got Made in Heaven and Jolyne got silly string with sunglasses). I’m really happy we get to talk, and I hope to see more of your beautiful art!

 @daily-giogio L E A D E R O F M U T E C R E W ok that’s obviously not enough, let me write more I love your Gio art so much it’s just so pretty?? side note Reset Gio’s design is also gorgeous and you just manage to kill me every time I see your art??? You’re also just a really funny person and I love talking with you! Or just listening to the void with you too that’s great as well

 @dailyrobertspeedwagon peri, you’re super sweet and you’ve got great ideas and OCs, and I love all of them! To be honest, you’re much much better at art than I was when I was your age *visibly shudders thinking about old art*… keep up the great work! 

 @weeklyheavendio laVA WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN you deserve a medal for the amount you’ve helped my art style change like I draw something for the reset au and you manage to one up me with amazing art so I draw something else then you make a beautiful giF SO I HAVE TO MAKE AN EVEN BETTER GIF AND IT TOOK SEVERAL HOURS BUT IT WAS WORTH IT AND I LOVE ALL YOUR ART AND YOURE JUST A GREAT PERSON AAAAAA 11/10 would rewrite existence out of possibly canon game history again 

 @dailyshadowdio Cake I can’t believe I was once scared of you with your beautiful art.. I was scared to talk to you and the big wry man himself… Now I know. I know that I must believe in gravy. Always believe in gravy. Gremlin Dio and pretty much all your art gives me life. I don’t know what it is about how you draw Dio, but he just looks??? So good?????? Long story short you’re great cake 

@dailyhamonpires we didn’t talk too much before the space au, but now that we’ve talked more, i’ve really enjoyed seeing you and your art! SOLU is a very sweet goop boy and deserves only the best. Keep up the amazing work!

 @dailyavdol you’re one of the sweetest people I know! Your art style is also super unique and beautiful, and I love seeing different characters in it! Also seeing you and Cami talk is really sweet too :> 

 @marinebiologistjotaro whERE DO I EVEN START You are an absolute blessing. Do you even know how much I love marine life. Like I really love cephalopods the most but all marine life is just really cool and if I wasn’t sure I wanted to do something with animation in the future I’d want to do something with marine biology and so when I found your blog some couple of months ago I died of happiness I’ve also enjoyed all the little inside jokes we’ve made over the past few months. I still miss Barbara… 

@badlydrawnmekandmoney !!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOOD OCS! GREAT PERSON! It’s always a lot of fun to talk to ya! You put up with all my shitty memes and actually genuinely seem to like them, too!

 @dailyyoungmrskujo *insert good shit meme but in french* I love Jolyne’s mom/Jotaro’s wife, so when I found that someone had taken her character and turned her into a fully capable headstrong young woman, I was so excited! You’re really sweet, and I wish you luck with your new job and I hope we sometime get time to talk (despite timezones >_<). 

 @badlydrawnjotarocean we don’t talk much but I kind of admire you from a distance because you’re pretty cool and I’m also madly in love with Joji from the reset au I mean sweet ocs you got there friend I mean um how much water do you need to quench your thirst

@badlydrawn-p4nareff a quality baguette… a handsome baguette… a good baguette… have I ever said how much I love pol and how good your pol art is I mean sometimes he’s just a piece of string cheese but you still manage to make him look beautiful???? What are your secrets I'm also sorry I'm a huge nerd you probably are wondering why I tagged you right I mean uh I should stop aaaa

@dailypisscop You’re an amazing artist and I’m so happy you like my art! It was a lot of fun seeing your progress on the johnny and gyro print and seeing other things you’ve drawn :>

@notsodailystarplatinum aaaaaAAAAA you’re so cool! I love all of your star doodles and it’s always fun to interact with you and the other star blogs! Also I still can’t believe you drew me

it me bubbles 

@dailyghiaccio we've talked a couple of times, but I absolutely love your art! Keep it up!

@weeklyesidisi (i’m not tagging all 1837472 of your blogs) vince you’re very funny and great and, I’ve really enjoyed talking to you about the space au and other things!

@dailyjosukeandokuyasu !!!!!!!!!!!!! Dude you are great I really love your art and designs a lot, also you definitely put up with all my terrible memes. The only complaint I have is no shiny

@daily-goldexperiencerequiem KICK ME INTO SPACE PLEASE I mean you're super fun tot talk to, and I love your GER art ^_^

@otamer kinda different than a lot of the other blogs here since you aren't a daily/bd blog that does much (yet) but you're super nice and fun to talk to and I know you can make that blog and join us in the deep dark realms of daily discord hell ;D

@badlydrawnkirby !!! 10/10 youRE SUPER GREAT AND YOUVE ALSO CHEERED NOON UP A LOT THANK YOU! 

@dailyyoung-jonathan YOU ARE GREAT OK?? Anyways thank you for taking celeste to the ball and also just for being really nice on kirb’s server. 

@regularlyscheduledjolynemom We talk occasionally, but it’s always fun to talk to you! Thank you for the history jokes :>

@kindofdailyoingo GOOD BLOG BOOD GLOG 10/10 I love your oingos also thank you for always listening to me talk about my hawk son you’re just really fun to talk to and be around and I hope you remember that! 

@poorlydrawnjosephjoestar I always secretly admired your art and your bad spaghetti jokes from afar, but since the space au, it’s been a ton of fun talking to you and the others onboard the Hayloft! (blease don’t kill off jovani)

@dailykakyoin I know you get this a lot but you're one of the reasons (I think you and dailypol maybe?) I started this (haha if you want go find the first ask I sent it was from my main blog it's terrible) and you're such an amazing member of this community! I mean, you answer tons of asks, draw really cute kaks, and you’re just really nice :>

 Here's a big ol pile of people that I'd love to talk to/interact more with and/or am too scared to interact with:

@dailyjonajba | @askdailymiraschon | @dailygwess | @miumiusdailybizarrehell (the unholy trinity is here) (i love you guys) | @daily-jojovillians | @dailyabba | @dailyteenshizuka | @daily-holhorse-and-maybe-boingo | @dailymoodyblues | @badlydrawn-lisalisa | @badlydrawnheartpompadour | @badlydrawn-vinegardoppio | @dailyjoshu | @daily-jouta | @badlydrawnventopolnareff | @poorlydrawnjosukeh | @dailychibimikitaka | @poorly-drawn-fem-koichi | @badlydrawnyuyafungami | @dailybrandio

Once again, thank you!

[maple-keenes]

the third disaster: it isn’t that hard, is it?

the first disaster | the second disaster | the third disaster | the fourth disaster | the fifth disaster

summary: i mean, come on, guys. 

warnings: cursing, remus, deceit, dukeceit

pairings: mainly dukeceit with background analogical

wc: 2371

a/n: haha the title is a double entendre haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

taglist: @analogical-chaos @ilovemygaydad @alltimevirgilant @virgiliananxiety @romanticsanders @theincediblesulk @wroammin @creativity-killed-thekitten @bitchyybabyy400 @wooflesthatwoof @lyditist @heck-im-lost @max-is-tired @demurphart @thelowlysatsuma @land-of-dragons-and-frogs @theeternalspace @magicallygrimmwiccan @weirdsthenewnormal @romansleftshoulderpad @andrewisabraveboy @satanblessi @supbitchss @diamondrush862 @princeyssash @ab-artist

--

Remus has not had a particularly hard life. 

By all accounts and purposes, his brother has had it much harder than him. Remus is just the high school weirdo with clinical depression and a thing for cephalopods, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that, he’s just not cool. 

One thing he loved to do (and still loves, though you’d never know it) is writing. Writing was an outlet for all the damaging and strange thoughts that crossed his head in the middle of the night when no one was there for him to talk to, and so his notebooks are full of a brave duke defeating corrupt unicorns and demons. 

He will never be the prince. Roman will always be the prince. 

One thing Remus is absolutely awful at, however, is relationships. Not counting his dozens of one night stands (he prides himself on being quite the lay), he’s had two boyfriends and only one has lasted more than two weeks. 

But oh well. So he’s the worse brother, probably unlovable, but it’s fine. He’s fine. 

That is, until his brother’s best friend’s fiance’s friend rings him up to ask if he knows Virgil, and Remus falls and falls hard. When it rains, it pours and all that. 

DC is conventionally attractive, to say the least, with gorgeous green eyes and vitiligo patterning his face like a snake’s scales. Remus’s imagination makes him a dragon prince, and he is the fairest man in the whole kingdom. 

He is beautiful. 

And he falls in love with Remus. 

When DC calls him a week later to ask him out for coffee, Remus is sure he’s dreaming. 

When they go on their second date and DC kisses him in the back of the movie theater, he’s floating on air. 

By their third date, making this the longest relationship Remus has ever been in, he is sure that DC is the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. 

Not only is DC May gorgeous, he’s sweet, and sarcastic, and he gets Remus in a way that no one else ever has before. They are each other’s best friends. Soulmates. 

Patton, who is Remus’s other best friend, is absolutely enamored with their relationship. He’s the one that pushes Remus to ask DC to move in with him, the one who brings Roman back down from his desire to hurt DC when they fight a bit, and the one who, when it’s two years later and Logan and Virgil are desperately trying to get through the adoption process and Roman is struggling to find work as a trans actor, that convinces Remus that if he’s going to propose to DC, the time is now. 

(This is Remus’s story, after all. Even intertwined with the rest of the other’s stories, it is still his own personal disasters and relationships that lead to the one we’re trying to tell. So we leave Logan and Virgil and Roman and Patton to their own stories that I’ve now established when they are happening in relation to this story, and focus on the massive screw-up that’s about to happen. 

I’m excited. Aren’t you?)

So it’s through the intervention of Patton that Remus gets up one afternoon after working wherever, at some job, and drives down to the jewelry store by his apartment to find a ring. 

It’s not extravagant, it’s a simple ring with an emerald in it (Remus’s favorite color, the color of DC’s eyes), but it’s perfect for him. Besides, diamonds are overrated anyways. It’s a corrupt industry and Remus may be a bastard but he’s bastard with some semblance of morals. 

Remus booked a table for two at a riverfront restaurant, the fancy kind, and bought the right kind of flowers (there was an incident with flowers and allergies about a year ago. DC swears he’s forgiven him, but Remus isn’t really supposed to do flowers anymore). 

He picked DC up from work and brought him home, trying to be as nice as possible so that DC felt special and not like, ignored, or something. Oh god, did he feel like Remus was smothering him instead? 

Deal with that later. 

Once at dinner, Remus’s leg bounced up and down as he and DC chatted idly about work and their friends and other stuff. After they’d ordered, he reached across the table and took DC’s hand, smiling softly at him. 

“All of my life, I thought that I would never find someone like you. And… I did,” Remus began, taking a deep breath. “I found you. But for some reason, it always feels like something’s missing.” 

DC raised an eyebrow, concerned. “Yeah?” 

“And - I know now what that something is. DC, you deserve someone fantastic, and amazing -” 

“Get on with it.” 

“And I don’t want to be your boyfriend anymore!” Remus blurted, going fumbling around in his coat pocket for the box. “I want -” 

He stood up abruptly and grabbed his coat, Remus still turned around looking for the ring. “Well, at least you had the decency to break up with me to my face, but I hope you know you’re an asshole, Remus Kingsley!” DC yelled, and the rest of the restaurant turned and some of the people even gave Remus a fairly dirty look. He set the ring box on the table hopelessly and rested his face in his hands, the lady at the table next to him leaning over to ask, “What did you do?”

“Tried to propose and fucked it up royally,” he mumbled, holding open the ring box. “I ought to go talk to him.” 

She shook her head violently. “Do not do that. Give him some space for like, a day, then call him and if he doesn’t pick up, call his best friend. Explain to them what happened and see if they’ll let you talk to him. Then you explain to him what you were trying to do, and pray to whatever God you believe in that he doesn’t completely hate you.” 

“Thank you, random woman in this restaurant,” Remus said, rather enthusiastically. “I genuinely appreciate that.” 

Remus drove home in melancholic silence, due to the fact that it was conveniently raining right then, and parked his car in the driveway. DC had probably gone to Logan and Virgil’s to hide out, so Remus figured he ought to go talk to someone who knew DC and wasn’t afraid to tell him that he was being a complete idiot - so he started his car again, turned around, and drove straight to his twin brother’s apartment. 

When he knocked on the door, Roman opened it, rolled his eyes, and walked back inside. “What did you do? Who do I need to bury?” 

“Well, I think I accidentally broke up with DC,” he admitted sheepishly, and Roman whirled around, startled. 

“How the hell do you ‘accidentally’ break up with someone?” he asked in disbelief. 

Remus huffed, frustrated. “I was trying to propose.” 

“How - what - Remus!” Roman sputtered. “How do you fuck that up?” 

“I tried to propose -” he held his hand out to the left, “- and I screwed it up,” he finished, holding his other hand out to the right. “Simple as that.” 

He groaned. “That isn’t simple! Do you know how much skill it requires to be that goddamn stupid?” 

Remus shot him a lopsided grin. “I don’t know, but I’m sure you can help me, since you’ve mastered it.” 

“They will literally never find your body. They won’t.”

He crossed his arms and sighed heavily. “Fine. Can you please help me? I need to talk to him.” 

“And why -” 

“Because if you do, I’ll spend all my time with my husband and not at your house.” 

“Sold,” Roman replied, holding his hand out for Remus to shake on it. “Still hate you.” 

Remus laughed, shaking his brother’s hand. “I know.” 

Meanwhile, at Logan and Virgil’s little house in the suburbs, DC was clutching a pillow and crying silently and Virgil sat next to him and rubbed his back comfortingly. 

“I really thought he loved me,” he sniffed, wiping his tears with the hand not being used to squish the pillow. “I was so in love with him…” 

“I am deeply apologetic,” Logan said, bouncing his son up and down on his hip, “however, could you hold Remy for a minute? He loves his uncle and I need to eat before I pass out. Virgil, try to help and no swearing!” 

DC nodded and accepted his nephew, setting him down on top of the pillow. Virgil rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out at his husband, turning back to DC. “I bet he does love you, honestly. What exactly did Remus say?” 

“Um… he said… that he thought he’d never find someone like me… and that he was so glad he did,” he recalled, “but that something was missing. And that he knew what it was, and that I deserved someone amazing, and just as fantastic as me, and then he said that he didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore.” DC stifled a sob. “He kind of… turned around and started shuffling around in his jacket for something, so I stood up and ran out.” 

Logan poked his head in the room frantically, mouth full of sandwich. “Holy shit!” 

“HEY -”

“I think he was trying to propose!” he exclaimed, tossing the rest of the sandwich onto the counter. 

DC wrapped Remy in a protective hug, trying to shield him from his insane fathers. “What are you talking about?” 

Virgil’s eyes went wide. “Oh my god, babe, you’re right! Dee, he was trying to propose! He doesn’t want to be your boyfriend, he’s hoping you’ll be his fiance!” 

“Of course! It all makes sense!” Logan replied, gesturing frantically. “You have to call him.” 

“No!” he said, “No way. He broke my goddamn heart, Logan!” 

Logan scoffed. “He didn’t mean to.” 

DC sniffled again, and he handed Remy, who was babbling about something, to his dad and he walked off and flopped down onto the guest bed and did not cry.

Virgil sighed, bouncing Remy up and down on his lap. “What are we gonna do about these two?” 

“Roman’s calling,” Logan deadpanned, holding up his phone. “Twenty bucks he’s with Remus.” 

Virgil rolled his eyes as Logan picked up the phone, greeting the person on the other side. He pulled the phone away from his ear and mouthed, ‘It’s Roman.’ He stuck his tongue out at his husband, who shook his head and continued his phone call, setting it to speakerphone. 

“Hey, Roman,” Virgil said, still playing with his son. “What’s up?”

“Is DC there?” he asked, his voice a bit exasperated. 

Both men sighed collectively. “Yeah,” Logan responded, “he’s crying in the guest room right now. Why?”

“Perfect. So, I assume you two have figured out that my brother royally fucked up his proposal?” 

He laughed. “So he was trying to propose! God, these two are… awful at relationships.” 

Logan nodded in agreement. “I assume that we have to salvage this somehow?” he inquired, folding his arms across his chest, which Remy attempted to mimic. 

“Obviously!” Roman exclaimed. “Are you kidding me? I refuse to let this relationship die. It’s the only thing that keeps me from having to deal with Remus 24/7!”

Virgil snorted, and his son turned to look at him with an inquisitive look on his face, and Virgil patted his hand placatingly. “Brotherly love at its finest. What do you want us to do?” 

“One of you take DC out to breakfast tomorrow. Tell him whatever you need to get him out of the house. I will send Remus there, and you two will need to make sure they sit there and talk and don’t murder each other.” 

“Done and done.” 

So although the plan sounded simple, and appeared simple, it was much harder for Virgil to drag DC out of the house than previously expected. Eventually he just sighed and told him that if he didn’t get out of the house today, they were going to set up Remy’s crib in his room, and even his uncles could only stand the kid for a little while. 

Virgil sat DC down at the predetermined table, and not a minute later Remus opened the door and walked over quickly. He jumped up, and Virgil had to grab DC’s shoulders and force him to sit down. He walked over to the side of the table as Remus sat down and cleared his throat so that both of the men were looking at him, albeit that they were looking at him in confusion and extreme annoyance. 

“Alright. The four of us have decided that you two are, in fact, complete fucking morons and thus incapable of handling your own relationship!” Virgil said, ignoring Remus’s squeak of protest. “So we’re here, and I’m spending time fixing this for you, so be grateful. I’m going to go sit over there, and you two are going to talk about what happened on Saturday.” 

“But -” 

“No.” 

DC huffed, miffed. “Jesus.” 

Virgil threw his hands in the air and walked away, and DC drew circles in his coffee with his straw. “So?” 

“So I wasn’t breaking up with you,” Remus said rather bluntly. “I was trying to propose. Look, I’ve even got the ring here -” 

“Remus,” he interrupted. “How in the hell did you think that that was a decent way to propose to someone?” 

He sighed, visibly upset. “I didn’t think that much about it, honestly. I just knew that I had to get a ring and ask you to marry me and there wasn’t much in between those two points for me.” 

DC laughed aloud, startling the woman next to him. “Remus!” 

“Hey, I’ve got two braincells and both of them are dedicated to loving you with my whole heart.” Remus pulled the box out of his jacket pocket. “So… marry me? Please?” 

He reached across the table and took Remus’s hand. “Yes.” 

(Whether or not Virgil was forced to physically break them up to stop them from making out in the middle of the coffee shop is not relevant to the rest of the story, thank you very much.)