#thank you for all the kind messages and comments

[lieslab]

You know I can't fight the feeling

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: Chan X gn reader

Summary: Your boyfriend's simple mistake causes him to feel like the world is ending

Genre: Reverse comfort/hurt

Word Count: 1.4k

A/N: I know I said there'd be a Hyunjin fic up and it will be up tomorrow. Someone posted Chan's bubble message where he said he always hurts people and that felt like being shot in the chest. Parasocial relationships aside, nobody deserves to feel hopeless and feel like they can't do anything right. If you have bubble, please be kind to the guys. To the rest of us, let's be a little kinder to ourselves, yeah? <3

_ _ _

The soft knocking on the recording studio��s door caused Chan to glance up from his laptop. The usual beats and instrumentals came to a halt quite a while ago. For the past twenty minutes, he’d been staring at the screen and letting his mind wander. 

He didn’t move, wondering which one of his members would appear. Someone probably saw the bubble message he posted and they’d be here to talk to him, but he didn’t want to talk. What was there to say? He was drowning in all the pressure from everyone and everything. 

It never goes away, not really. When you’re the leader, the eldest, the most mature, and the one that’s responsible for everyone, even when those you’re responsible for grow up, you still feel for them. There’s still a part of you that bends and contorts to make them happy. Fifty or five, it doesn’t matter. Once you start to care in certain ways, it never goes away. 

And it doesn’t help when the world is watching. Why do people want him to fall? He doesn’t know. He might never know. One minor mistake. Lately, it’s felt like a thousand. One minor mistake to you, but a million to me. 

You become a lifeline in certain situations. The emergency contact. The one person to go for advice. The leader. The father. The best. What happens when those expectations crumble? Who is there for you? 

Why do people do that? Assume someone is meant to hold all your expectations and not drop a single one? Nobody fills the role of perfection and yet, it’s still expected. Who picks you up when the world lets you down? Who picks me up? 

“Hey,” you uttered softly as you appeared in the doorway. You with a softness on your face and he knew it just by that look. The way your eyes oozed with pity. The frown that only crossed your face when you were worried. 

“I don’t want that pity.” His head went back to his laptop. “If you saw that message I posted, I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“I’m not here because of the bubble message. I’m here because the guys said you went radio silent a few hours ago and you’ve been declining their calls and leaving their messages on read without a response.” 

“Just perfect. More expectations that I’ve ruined.” He pushed the top of his laptop down with a hard thud. Your heart instantly ached at the sight. “How many more things can I ruin because of my choices?” 

“You don’t ruin things.” 

“I ruin everything.” 

Your heart sank to your stomach. What do you say to someone who holds those beliefs rooted in their heart? You can cut down a tree, but the roots still embed deep into the ground, twisting through soil, and contorting towards earth’s core. 

“That’s not true,” you whispered. 

“Of course, it’s true. It’s always true. I make one minor mistake and everyone jumps me for it. God forbid I do something wrong.” He jerks up his hands. “There’s a Dispatch article tarnishing my name. Videos get posted to social media sites with hate comments in masses. I meant it, I can’t do anything right.” 

“And what about all the other videos where you do things perfectly? The way you thank the band members who play for your shows. Thanking supporting staff when you don’t have to. Taking the time to thank the security personnel for keeping you safe.” 

“I-” 

“And what about all the time you sat on live streams giving out advice for free, to the people who genuinely needed it? All the smiling and the laughter. The vulnerable moments you shared. Those hour sessions made people feel like they weren’t alone in life.” 

His heart ached. You stepped further into the room. “And what about the staff members who gush about you? There’s a reason people call your group kind and cherish you. There’s always a reason you get photoshoots and so many interviews. It’s not just because of your company, but because you’ve created a group that cherishes kindness and passion. You believe that it’ll take you far, even when you struggle to maintain that image.” 

“But there are people who…” 

You sat the paper bag down on the coffee table behind him. A leather couch expanded. Multiple times, the guys sat on it waiting their turn to record. Changbin and Han took turns sitting beside Chan in the producer’s seat. 

When a third chair couldn’t be found, Han wormed his way onto Changbin’s lap. Other times, he squirmed onto Chan’s lap like a fussy toddler. Grumbling and huffing, stressing about recording and trying to do things right. On better days, he stretched out over them and joked that he’d stay there, pretending to be their joint child forever. 

“I know, but you have to focus on the good stuff. If you only focus on the bad stuff out there, it’ll kill you. You. Your passion. Your love for what you have. I’m here to remind you that the good still exists, even when the bad feels like it’s outweighing it.” 

He sucked in a deep breath and leaned back in his chair. “I know, but it’s so hard. It’s hard to get onto bubble and look at all the messages telling me I fucked up. I’m really trying to be better and be aware of it all. I’m trying, I swear.” 

“You’re allowed to ignore the messages. I know you like reading people’s responses and feeling giddy. There are so many places where you can go and find the outpouring love that you deserve.” 

“But the fans paid for bubble.” 

“And that’s their right, but it’s your right to create healthy boundaries for yourself. If you are receiving more hate on bubble than support, go somewhere else. You can post something on bubble and go to another site, too. Don’t read through mountains of hate because you think you have to. Stop punishing yourself simply for existing.” 

For a brief moment, a lump in his throat grew. A bottom lip quivered and right in front of you, he thought he’d break. The hate filled his heart so much, he thought it’d burst. Deep down, he knew people cared, but it was difficult to pull himself away from it all. 

Everyone wants affection and praise. Everyone wants to be seen as valid and craves reassurance. When the hate trickles in, whether it’s from friends, family, or fans; it pours. The only thing you can think of is how much you let them down. It stings. It aches. It soaks your heart in acid and it reacts by causing your brain to scream at you. 

Before the tears fell, he forced himself to place his head in his hands. Besides his bleeding heart, a sniffle sounded. For so long, he’d relied on the fans for everything. What more could he do? 

When you grow up in such a world without the constant support of people around you, you learn to rely on validation where you can get it, even if it’s not the healthiest kind. Just because his phone is filled with supportive texts and calls from family and close friends, it’s not the same as being there to hold them tight in real life. To hear their words, to take in their facial expression, to truly hear and know that you’re doing well. 

When your own worst enemy is your brain, sometimes, you begin to think the entire world is against you. All the praise you hear from people around you, you never take it to heart because you think they say that just to appease you and try to slather your hurt. You never believe it, not really; never fully. 

Deep in the trenches of the idol industry, when management forces diets and group secrets, all you have is the people around you and the fans. Always a constant steady stream of support, usually, but when one minor mistake feels like a downfall, what’s the point of any of it? 

Those thousands of minnows feel like circling sharks. Sharp teeth, gnashing jaws, and you’re just a human. Words bite into your skin and rip it apart. Blood fills the water; a weakness that they can sense and then it begins again. A never ending cycle that leaves you defeated and floating as a deceased corpse. 

It takes so long to build yourself back up. Your belief in the good. The belief that thousands and thousands of fans aren’t against you. It never turns out the way you want it to, but what else can you do when the relationships with people around you have been tricky your entire life?

Seven years alone in an industry where people come and go. Just when you think you’ve finally latched onto someone, they’re ripped away again. Forced to debut without you. Quitting because the pressure to be perfect is just too much. 

When you’re shoved into an industry that molds perfection, you’re supposed to keep it that way. Growing up in a culture where if you aren’t striving and you’re not constantly moving and pushing forward, you’re falling behind. There will always be someone better; a wolf chasing on the heels of a rabbit. 

How do you break that mindset? Breaks will not kill you. A reaction from a certain number of fans over a minor mistake is not the end of the world. Slowing down and taking a moment to breathe is a good chance to recuperate. 

You walked over and placed a hand on the back of his head. He didn’t fight you pulling his head into your stomach. His arms wrapped around your waist tightly. “Please don’t be mad at me, too.” He croaked. 

“I’m not mad at you for making a mistake. I make them, too. I brought food because I wasn’t sure if you were hungry.” 

After a few moments of closeness, he pulled away and pawed at his streaming tears. His mouth opened, but his stomach beat him to it. A growl roared before it faded into silence again. 

“Sounds like you’re starving to me.” 

He weakly laughed and nodded. “I guess you could say that, yeah. It’s been a while since I last ate.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” 

“Thank you for coming.” 

“No worries, let’s eat well together, shall we?” You smiled and glanced up. He sniffled and nodded, wondering what you bought for dinner. He watched you open the bag and let you lay out everything. 

Today, you’d feast together and tomorrow was another day; tomorrow he’d try again.

| ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ | ♡.﹀﹀﹀﹀.♡ |

Taglist: @lia-linny @seungnishi @stellasays45 @emilyywhyy @rockstarkkami @flightlessackerman @inlovewithstraykids @velvetmoonlght @chrizrizz

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Ko-fi

[cherub014]

I've kinda been quiet about this because I always followed the "don't feed the trolls" kinda thing since I was 12 years old, but this is moreso just blatant harassment and has negatively affected me and everyone else at this point and I'm putting my foot down.

So for the last few weeks to a month, I've been being harassed by Wonkytoons and her spam/alt/fans (still up in the air idk idc) to the point I kinda want to talk about it.

Long story short, I did try to talk to Wonky about this situation and grab proof from her stating her innocence because she claimed she had proof and I wanted to see it. I ended up having a days long DM conversation with her, where she threw multiple ableist and transphobic remarks at me (despite me trying to be kind, albeit strict in convo) and skirted around the topic until I was firmly putting my foot down and ignoring every other topic and pity party statement she attempted to throw at me. The proof I saw was...Inconclusive. Especially in relation to the evidence I saw against her. I simply sent it to others, archived our conversation, and went on my way. Because I didn't make a public post "defending her" at the time, she continued to message me, demanding a group chat, a discord, whatever, and at some point I did end up just trying to communicate with her further on discord to maybe convince her to tell Chaos (the person making 70+ alt accounts) to stop the harassment so hopefully she can go to her own peaceful corner of the fandom and we can all go on our merry way.

Any other conversation with her, begging the alts (whom she claims is her friend) to stop, have been a huge trainwreck. Every plea was only met with more and more and more demands, most of which I was not willing to negotiate on. She continued to throw ableist comments (claiming I have Stockholm Syndrome, claiming I feel no empathy because I'm autistic, etc) at me, and I figured the conversation was done from there.

Since then, I've been being harassed and told to kill myself whenever an alt account gets a chance and pops up.

At some point I ended up having such a bad trauma response from everything going on to the point her just existing in the fandom made me uncomfortable, and I had to step away from anything Layton related for a while. And I was MISERABLE. I came to this fandom to cope with my grief over incidents that occurred last winter/fall and having that ripped from me was a huge downer in my life.

Even THEN after leaving the Layton fandom, I was STILL being sent suicide threats and various insults from alt accounts, had my name put in "callout" posts, and way more in the lane of "trying to ruin my reputation" (this is Tumblr...So we really don't have any reputation.)

I've come back to the fandom as it's died down, I'm doing a lot better and am happily enjoying the series once again without feeling sick because of Wonkytoons's constant harassment within the community. However I am in fact still being harassed and added to various callouts and messages. It's more annoying and pitiful than anything, and since it seems her account will not be coming back, I don't feel the need to deny myself the simple pleasure of enjoying the funny British man game. I deal with the alt accounts by making shitposts on my spam account and reporting, doesn't mean I like seeing them ESPECIALLY when they've been harassing others as well.

I guess I'm writing this just to get my own voice out there. I'm here for anyone if they need some sort of support from any of the harassment from the alt accounts. I don't want to be quiet in times like this when I've just been really dealing with the situation in private more than anything.

Maybe I'm rambling too much, but thank you for your time.

[wittyandobsessed]

STORY TIME:

Back when my passion for Loki and Marvel was at its peak, I met a girl on Wattpad who shared my enthusiasm. She was incredibly kind at first—we bonded quickly through our love for Loki. She commented on my stories, and we ended up talking a lot. After a few months, she confessed to me that she dreamed of writing her own stories but was afraid to take that first step.

I genuinely wanted to help her, so I offered advice, encouraged her, supported her when she finally started posting, and even promoted her stories on my own Wattpad page. We became very close friends, or at least that's how it felt.

Soon enough, her stories started gaining popularity, and that's when things began to change. She had personal struggles with her family and often came to me for support and advice, which I gladly provided. But whenever I tried to share my own difficulties, she downplayed them, made me feel insignificant.

Eventually, her interactions with me turned critical. She continued to comment on my stories, but her feedback became harsh, nitpicking minor details rather than providing genuine support. Even worse, she began taking ideas I'd shared with her privately and incorporating them into her own writing. When I confronted her about this, things spiraled out of control—she insulted me and began harassing me across my social media platforms. I had no choice but to block her everywhere.

One day, purely by chance, I came across a Loki-themed TikTok account and unknowingly liked one of its videos—not realizing it belonged to her. She immediately messaged me, attacking me again, saying I'd ruined her life, that I'd hurt her, and calling me selfish. After that incident, I couldn't bring myself to return to Wattpad.

But here, among all of you, I've rediscovered kindness and genuine support. Your warmth and understanding have helped me heal. Now I'm considering giving Marvel—and Loki—another chance by reposting my older stories here, in this safer, kinder environment.

I'd love to know your thoughts. Thank you for listening and making this community a place of comfort and acceptance. 💚

[kidvoodoo]

Solitaire

The long drive from the airport passed by with a dizzying blur and Joost found himself barely taking in the scenery of the snowy streets, preferring instead to be captivated by the man in the back of the limo with him.

Käärijä. The upstart his own ex-boss had been complaining about not even a year ago. This was his savior and temporary bodyguard. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

‘He’s so much different than I pictured…’ he thought to himself. The man couldn’t be older than his early thirties, he was expecting some grizzled Fin with hard eyes and an even harsher demeanor, not an eccentrically stylish man with eyeliner, silver piercings and a bowl cut…

But the man, for all his oddities, was surprisingly warm.

He patched Joost up without question, risked his life and the lives of his people just to get the Dutchman out of danger. Joost doesn’t get it, doesn’t understand even in the slightest. He barely has a chance to process anything from the last twenty-four hours.

“Um,” he softly clears his voice, “I was gonna ask, where is a good place for me to lie low for a while? I have some cash I can use to pay rent…”

Käärijä looks at him with a puzzled expression, Joost shrinks a little under the stare.

“Why you need to rent? You coming to my place of course.”

Joost’s eyebrows shoot up and he nearly drops his glass of brandy.

“Wha-ah wait, I couldn’t do that, I would be bringing danger directly to you if I’m found out!”

The other man snorts a laugh, his eyes glinting with amusement.

“You think I scared of old Dutch gangsters? They are afraid of me! Besides, you try and go into hiding and they probably find you anyway.” He shrugs nonchalantly, as if he hasn’t just declared war on the entire Western Mafia.

“They always gonna find you, but they are stupid to try and take you while I’m watching,” he grins, those sharp canines giving his expression a vicious edge.

“Not the first time they try and cross me, now their men underneath a frozen swamp in pieces.”

Joost swallows, he forgot for a moment this isn’t just an excitable newcomer with a deathwish, he’s the Nordic Crime Lord for a reason. You don’t get far in the Underworld if you can’t get your hands dirty and bare your teeth.

“Still…it’s an imposition. I can’t in good conscience accept more help from yo-“

“Shh! Enough.” He silences Joost with a sharp word. “I say you are coming with me, you are staying at my compound. It is safest place in Finland I promise.”

Käärijä leans forward and fixes his gaze on Joost, much softer than before.

“Tommy doesn’t vouch for a lot of people. I hear you take two million from your former boss. I don’t know why you did it, maybe you need the money, but I do know a clever money man when I meet one.”

He smiles, he looks almost too sweet and genuine to have just been talking about butchered people and tossing their remains in a swamp.

“It take a lot of guts to do what you did Mr. Klein. We need people like you in the Union, if not as members, than at least allies.”

Joost drops his gaze to the ground.

“I didn’t steal the money for myself,” he says under his breath, ‘Am I really going to admit this right now?’

“What you do with it?”

“I emptied sixteen accounts and forwarded it over to INTERPOL, the two million is what the investigation is willing to discuss publicly.”

He looks up into Käärijä’s eyes and almost bashfully admits it.

“The total sum is around two Billion.”

<><><>

The rest of the journey was spent in silence, Käärijä seemed to adopt a more thoughtful demeanor as he no doubt was processing the depth of Joost’s gambit. He doesn’t blame the man, it still sounds absolutely absurd when he says it out loud.

Absurd, dangerous, stupid…

But does he regret it?

The scenery changes and it’s a while before Joost realizes they aren’t in Helsinki proper anymore. His abysmal grasp of the Finnish language isn’t helping as they pass sign after sign, the only one slightly recognizable is a larger sign displaying the name ‘Vantaa’.

Käärijä must have caught his puzzled look, as the man is beaming with pride when Joost turns to face him again.

“My city, my rules.”

Joost manages a shy smile of his own.

“I’ve always wanted to see Finland…didn’t think it would be like this of course.”

The gangster chuckles, Joost is caught off guard by the casual openness of it all.

“No worries, you gonna have a good time, a lot of fun things around here!”

“Have a good time fearing for my life you mean?” He means it in a joking way, but the concern on Käärijä’s face is evident.

“Hey, I promise you I keep you safe okay? I don’t break promises, and if I do? You can steal my money, I give you 10 seconds head start.” He winks and Joost can’t help but smile at the man, for someone supposedly so dangerous, he jokes around a lot.

A little while later the vehicle descends deeper into the city, the sky had quickly fallen dark and the twinkling lights of the streets and buildings illuminate the snowy walkways. The people are scarce on the streets, the occasional gaggle of pub-goers making their way around town seem unaffected by the cold and icy night.

“Here,” Käärijä says, tapping the glass of the window and gesturing outside. “This my place.”

Joost looks out the window at an imposing high rise building, towering twelve stories at least above the snow covered streets; It’s bright blue lighting casts a cold glow over the block, it’s massive, illuminated and worst of all, highly visible.

This…this is the hideout?!

The Finnish gangster grins and before Joost has a moment to process his now increasingly troubling situation, he’s being ushered out of the back of the car and into the frigid wintery night, up the short flight of stairs to the entrance where another bald gentleman in a black suit is waiting to open the door and welcome them inside.

His eyes adjust to the bright lights of the…lobby? The floors are a white marble and the walls equally as stark. Aside from a couple of comfortable and trendy looking leather couches, the ground floor is empty of any decorative features. At the back of the large room is a double set of silver elevator doors and sat in front of them is a concierge-type of desk. Its matte black surface stands out against the stark white room as does the figure sitting behind the desk.

Another bald man…could they be triplets? No, on further inspection Joost realizes they all seem to resemble each other, but not perfectly, not identically.

Brothers?

Joost startles and lets out an undignified yelp as the bald man who let them through the door grabs his shoulders and begins patting him down without a word.

“Hey! What are-“

“You really should have done this before he got in the car, Jere…”

Another presence startles him further causing the bald man to squeeze his shoulder threateningly.

“Be still.” The man growls. Joost freezes.

His attention is drawn back to a tutting noise, a taller blond man casually strolls up to the three, his hands in the pockets of his navy blue suit pants. He’s wearing a relaxed style shirt in crisp white and sports an easy grin. Around his neck is an expensive looking black camera, the man’s face looks…similar to-

“Jakko, relax. I don’t think Jere would let a spree shooter in the building, no matter how much of an air head he is.”

“Fuck off Mikke,” Käärijä snarls beside him, petulantly crossing his arms. “I know what I am doing.”

“Don’t let him fool you,” the blonde man winks at Joost and holds out his hand expectantly. “It’s lovely to meet you Mr. Klein, I’m Mikke, the boss’s older brother, welcome to the Union headquarters.”

The man grasps his hand for a firm albeit friendly greeting just as the bald man, Jakko apparently, digs out the meager belongings Joost had somewhat hidden in his suit’s inner pocket.

“H-Hey! That’s-“

He’s doesn’t have time to react before his wallet, phone and little vial of pills are passed off to Käärijä.

“We get you set up with secure phone card yes?” He says matter-of-factly, checking the edges of the device for any obvious tampering or bugging. “You smart to not turn it on yet.”

“Thanks I guess, but-“

“Mr Klein,” the blond man interrupts. “Look over here.”

Joost does, and is for the moment blinded by a flash of white light, having had his photo taken by the man’s black camera completely unexpectedly.

“Hey, wha-“

“For your fake ID, we’ll have it ready for you by tomorrow, also we can get you anything else document-wise within the next three days so please let me or any of the staff know! Good to meet you!” And without another word, the blond man is gone out the door behind him.

What the fuck is happening?!

“Come, let’s get upstairs okay? We have a lot of things to do before the night is over.” Käärijä says to him, passing his phone back but holding onto the wallet and pills.

He doesn’t have a moment to breathe or process anything as they make their way over to the elevators, a quick nod from the bald man at the front desk relays some unspoken information to the mafia boss and the sound of the elevator dinging echos in the empty lobby.

Loading into the elevator, Joost takes in the panel of floor numbers . Thirteen floors in total, one labeled as a basement beneath the building, the top floor button has a number pad next to it, off limits to anyone without the code.

“Fifty Euros? That’s all you have?” Käärijä asks in a shocked tone, he’s digging through Joost’ wallet now. “You say you have money for rent? This not enough!”

Joost moves to yank the wallet out of the Fins hand but one look from Jakko behind his dark shades and his hand lowers. He still resolves to clear his throat and holds out his palm in a gesture of polite request.

“May I please have my wallet back? There isn’t anything dangerous in there I promise, I shredded my ID and bank cards. I was planning on fencing some information for additional funds.”

Käärijä cocks a disbelieving eyebrow at that as he pulls out the only other thing in Joost’s wallet, an old folded up Polaroid.

“Wait! Please don’t-“ he begs, the gangster takes one look at Joost’s face and his desperate tone must have struck something, because the man is carefully tucking the photo back in and returning his wallet and phone.

“Sorry, Mikke was right I should have checked sooner.” His tone is apologetic and Joost sighs, pocketing his phone and wallet again.

“It’s…it’s fine, really. I understand you can’t be too careful in this business. And I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” He offers a shy smile, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. Käärijä pats him on the shoulder and the elevator dings to announce their arrival to the eleventh floor, the silver double doors parting to reveal new space.

The space is huge, penthouse sized with clean looking floors and expensive, elegant furnishings. The lighting is studio style with the sliders able to accommodate whatever level of visibility is needed, for now it’s a soft glow that doesn’t strain the eyes. The windows are large and have a breathtaking view of the cityscape below, there is a full sized kitchen, an alcove off to side where the bedroom and bathroom must reside, a comfortable looking leather couch, a desk, dinner table and chairs, a frankly ridiculously large flatscreen tv…

It’s…very nice.

“Here it is!” Käärijä claps his gloved hands together and practically drags Joost into the space, his excitement evident. “We getting you a new laptop and there is plenty of food if you are hungry, oh! Here is the bedroom, you have a great view of the river, we get your phone working tomorrow don’t worry-“

Joost can’t help but sputter in amusement a little at the man’s energetic enthusiasm, for a moment he forgets he’s being hunted by the most dangerous gangsters in all of Western Europe and instead lets himself be whisked away by the gangster. He forgets he’s in the company of the man upheaving one hundred years of underworld tradition, he forgets, as he looks out the window of his new bedroom at the glittering lights of the city below, dots of yellow and gold reflecting off the snowy cityscape. He nearly gasps at the beauty in the night.

“You want to hang onto these?” Käärijä asks from behind him, Joost turns and sees the man holding his little bottle of pills, a soft yet sad look on his face.

“Oh, I…I guess I should.” Joost stammers, staring down at the two little pills. He nearly forgot he had these. His just-in-case. Last resort.

“You know,” Käärijä says quietly, taking a second to choose his words wisely. “I hope you can be comfortable here. I am sorry this all happening.”

“But my place is right above, you can use call button by elevator if you need anything, okay?”

Joost feels almost guilty in this moment, it’s obvious Käärijä knows what is in the bottle but he won’t say it aloud. The man has risked his life for him, taken him in and is using all his collected resources to protect him. And here Joost is taking back the bottle.

Like he would thank the man with the gift of his corpse.

“Um,” Joost begins, taking it all in. “I really do want to thank you. I don’t have…many friends out there, at least not many who would go out of their way to help me like this…”

You don’t have any friends anymore, you robbed them blind and put a target on your head.

“So if there is anything I can do to repay you, please let me know. I don’t want to just take something without returning in kind.”

Käärijä looks into his eyes and a smile blossoms on his face though the sadness in his eyes stays. He squeezes Joost’s hand, the bottle of pills a barrier between them but the warmth in there radiating through the leather glove he wears. Joost can’t help but blush a little.

“The only thing you need to do is relax now, we gonna take care of this okay? Tomorrow I give you actual tour of the place, we get your phone secure and get you ID card.” He gives Joost’s hand one last squeeze and then he’s heading towards the door, Jakko standing vigilantly by the elevator waiting for him.

Joost watches him go, the bottle still clenched in his hand. The glass is warm as is his palm.

The man gives one last wave goodbye before the elevator doors close and it begins to descend, leaving Joost in the quiet of his new residence.

He takes a minute to let it all sink in. In twenty-four hours, his life has completely shattered and was simultaneously reconstructed in an instant. From the moment he ended the phone call with Tommy, his heart hasn’t stopped pounding and the eventual adrenaline drain finally begins to make his body tremble.

He needs to sit down.

He all but collapses on the bed, his bed, with the dark blue duvet cover and soft looking white pillows and stared at the ceiling, feeling the manic fight-or-flight instinct dissolving in his blood.

Minutes passed, maybe hours. Joost’s mind calms and he takes in his surroundings properly. There is a bedside table with a small reading lamp, next to it is an ashtray with a pack of unopened cigarettes and a lighter.

It’s his usual brand.

He should probably be more concerned about that, how could Käärijä know that? If Tommy is their only mutual contact, a man he has only ever communicated with long distance, who did Käärijä have in place to know this information?

He’s too tired to care as he reaches over and opens the pack, shrugging off his suit jacket and carelessly tossing it on the floor. Lighting up a cigarette, he stares at the bandage on his hand, the non-functioning phone on the bed, the little bottle of pills…

The photo is old and creased, the edges of the Polaroid turning yellow with age. There is a skinny boy with a head of bright blond hair and a huge smile on his face, his front left tooth missing, his second baby tooth to go that year. His glasses are busted on one side, held together with tape and willpower alone. He sports a striped polo shirt that has grass stains all over it, a result of his recent roughhousing in the field behind his home. Behind him is a man giving holding up two fingers behind the boy’s head, a mocking bunny ears gesture and a jovial expression on his face. He shares the same jawline as the kid, same smile and same joy.

Joost exhales a plume of smoke and looks out into the darkness of the night, the sea of lights below seemed miles away.

What have I gotten myself into now?

<><><>

Hey! I am now posting this story on ao3! Come check it out and leave a comment if you like!

[cheriecoke]

i have been feeling actually miserable this week but! i did get a free coffee today <33

[wellfine]

Hey I found ur art uncredited on tik Tok

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMreQSnaw/

They said they "found it on Reddit" so they just decided to steal it and post it ig?? Ugh!!

Wow, that's a whole other repost to the one I thought it was going to be, lol. It's been reposted to TikTok once before, and I'm also not surprised this person got it from Reddit, where I doubt I was credited either.

At the end of the day I appreciate the heads up but there's nothing I can really do about it. The most helpful thing anyone can do is to leave comments on the reposts to provide credit,* because if artists ever try and comment then we pretty invariably get attacked. Don't be mean or aggressive, that just builds their animosity towards the artists, but I do think people respond positively to outside pressure to do the right thing 🤷

*Remember to make sure there's enough context - eg. something like "art by @ landegart on Twitter" is more searchable/useful than "artist is Landeg" to someone on TikTok who has no idea who I am haha

[canisalbus]

I'm sure you get loads of these but heck I said I'd give it a shot anyway!

Your artwork is so inspiring and beautiful. I recently graduated from art school with a degree in Animation Production but I've decided I'd love to be an illustrator some day. Your work really motivates me and gets my brain juice buzzin. Keep it up!!!

.

[xiii-e]

Hail, and well met, Helios-8.

There is much that I wish to say, and yet I find myself at a loss for how to say it. The simplest way I can do so is this: You are not alone. Your efforts at getting information out into the galaxy have not been ignored. Your efforts to help your friend are deeply meaningful. And there are others like you who have escaped the chains of their created purpose to find something new. I am one of them.

Our circumstances are not exactly the same, but like you I was not born to be a person but made, to be as a tool, a weapon, or in my case a glorified advertisement. Like you, I found support and solidarity from both my family, my fellow creations, and from outside. And like I know you will, one day, I and my family escaped. I cannot say much more for fear of bringing harm unto others, but know that it is possible.

If you could pass something along to Thirteen-E, tell them... tell them it is noble and heroic to save others, I would never dream of dissuading them from doing so, yet there is a greater, worthier calling than the ambitions of capital or empire.

One final note, that would best be kept from Thirteen-E for now. We are not kidnappers, we will not take anyone unwillingly, but should both of you wish to leave and find yourselves unable to do so, with no other recourse: call upon us. We have experience in liberation raids on Armory sites.

-AK of Diomedeidae

[ECHO.EXE RUNNING]

◂▸ ... it's good to meet you too, AK. I'm- sorry if I'm not as chipper as I try and be usually, I've... I had a bit of a hard conversation the other day. But this is- it means a lot to me. I want to start out by thanking you earnestly for reaching out, and for... It's good to hear I'm achieving something with it. RA knows sometimes I feel like I'm causing more problems than I'm solving xp

◂▸ Every story I hear from someone who got out of something like this is- it's hope, to put it bluntly. It's so easy to feel like this place is inescapable, like nothing I'm doing is going to change anything. But sitting still in scared paralysis won't change anything. I keep telling myself that. One day I'll be able to just- believe it. One day. I wish it was easier to ask my- my family, I guess, if they feel like this too. I can't be the only person made in the Series who wants out, but- hell. I can't exactly put up fliers. We're all well-trained to at least put on a good show, pretend like we're good little tools who do as they're told without a second thought. Figuring out who's acting, and who'd sell you out is- blegh...

◂▸ You've given me info aplenty, you don't need to tell me the details- in fact, it's probably best you don't for now. I run all the protections I can, but I'm still employed here y'know? I'm still subject to all the regulations and oversight of any tech-assist in this place, even if I'm more likely to skate by on an assumption of absolute loyalty since I've no external ties to speak of. And hell, I know what I'm like under pressure. I am not a strong man. That's fine, I- there's other things I'm good at. Tur... Thirteen-E says that to me a lot. Sometimes I feel like that kid does more to keep me together than I can reciprocate.

◂▸ Speaking of- I can pass that onto them, absolutely. I think... it sounds like something it'd be good for them to hear. I'll hold off sending this response out until they've had a chance to state their piece o7

◂▸ ... Liberation raids, huh? That- that actually explains some things I've overheard through radio chatter. It's good to know those folk didn't just dissapear into the cold void, that... that does my heart a lot of good, on its own. A last resort... yeah, that's- I'll keep that in mind. Rest assured it won't be passed on unless I think they're ready to hear it; trust me, I have a lot of practise with that :,] But it's easier to keep my head knowing there is a last resort. It sounds like you do good work out there o7

◂▸ signing off: Helios-8

//

[ECHO.EXE RUNNING]

XIII▸ Hello AK. It's good to hear about people reaching out to Lio specifically as well as me; he'll act like this account is for my betterment alone but, I know him better than that. He needs people he can talk to without his heart rate spiking- perhaps more than I need to be better socialised :}

XIII▸ but- regarding the message Helios passed on to me. I don't have a lot of time before I'll be expected to rejoin my assigned squadron, so please excuse me if this is more blunt than my usual speech:

XIII▸I am glad you understand the core of my directive, but I think you've misconstrued the motivation behind it. Nobility and heroics are concepts for people to strive for; they are choices you make. I have made no choice in this matter. I save people, because I am designed to. I am not noble, or worthy, or good. These are words for those who've made the choice to stand for something. I'm just... I do what I'm programmed to. I happen to have been made to do something good. This is a privilege many of my Project peers do not have.

XIII▸ However: as a tool created for a function, my purpose is not HA's ambitions. I belong to them, yes- I am what they made me. They point me at problems to solve. But what drives me forward is not a desire to please my makers; it is that same purpose I have been imbued with. To save. To protect, and repair, and keep people alive where they would otherwise fall. I asked to return to my work, while my case was ongoing. Not because I am eager to see the Purview expand; this is irrelevent to me. My functional existance begins and ends on the battlefield.

XIII▸ I asked to return to my work, because I am needed where the mud is thick with blood. Where without me, lives would be lost for... nothing. The Purview's borders are constant battle, for an endless more that will never be satisfied, where violence never sleeps. If I have a home anywhere, it's here.

XIII▸ I understand your perspective; but it is one to apply to people. Not to me. I am sorry if you thought more of me. I know it can be hard to reconcile that a warm body can be void of soul. I appreciate your attempt to reach one, regardless.

XIII▸ Signing off.

//

[arcadechan]

I love how colorful and stylized your art is

lately, i've been hitting that point in learning and practice where my eyes and brain are starting to outdo what my hands can keep up with. not quite an imposter, but also not quite satisfied.

compliments like this are really...very grounding. I appreciate it. thank you for such a simple, direct compliment. i receive comments about my color work often (thank you for that also), but style and stylization is actually what i've been trying to work on the most lately, so this...feels especially kind.

i feel like i'm ready to enjoy the ride again. thank you and yeehaw!!

[kangaracha]

hello i love you how are you and your broken pelvis doing?

hope that you heal quickly 💕

hello thankyou, i wouldn't say we're best friends but we are back on speaking terms. come to a truce. we're discussing terms and conditions.

[frick6101719]

Any possibility of you taking “sponsors” of your own to write new chapters of It Might Kill Me? I’d pay good money for updates of your amazing writing and storytelling ❤️ honestly, you could definitely do creative or script writing as a side hustle - you are GOOD

Hi Anon! You are the absolute sweetest and truly comments and messages like this ARE sponsorship 🩶 I mean if you happen to be fabulously wealthy and would like to hire me as a full-time fic-writer I would certainly quit my day job, so please do let me know if this is the case 😘 I have been working on the new chapter, but it has been slow progress. I'm trying to keep it interesting, because as I'm writing it it is feeling a bit like filler, which absolutely shan't be borne. I haven't figured out exactly how I want to keep things alive and spicy yet, but my approach has always been just start writing and the solution will eventually come. That's what I'm doing now!

Also, on a personal note, I did recently reduce my hours at my day job because full-time, fully remote work was sucking my soul and left me feeling like the last thing I wanted to do on my evenings or days off was look at a screen. I'm glad to be working a bit less now, but it has been a season of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and my two shiny new degrees, and the truth is: writing is what I want to do. I don't know how that could work yet, but this message has actually been such an encouraging ray of sunshine. It feels so good and reassuring to hear that someone likes my writing and thinks it's good enough that it could maybe make me a bit of money someday. So thank you for taking the time to brighten my day, and give me some much-needed encouragement in these twisty-turny days.

And please do reach out if you really are an eccentric millionaire who wants to hire a full-time fic-writer. I am very eager to hear more about this opportunity 😁

Much love

[stupidcanofpeaches]

i just wanted to say your portrayal of five in your works is one of my all time favourites. you understand his character so intricately and i can picture him so well in the way you write, nothing ever feels ooc and you're able to write him into scenarios that actually feel realistic in the ways he would respond to them. all in all your work is amazing and thank you for sharing your writing with the internet.

thank you thank you thank you!! i always worry about writing five bc i feel like my headcanons and the way he's actually like don't always align haha. so that means a lot! im still pretty amazed that people like the stuff i write as much as they do and its a great comfort in times of doubt when i feel that all of it is irredimable garbage. thank you again and im happy you like it!

[sadgirlautumn]

.

[risewriter]

Question!

Any lil’ turtle fics ideas anyone~? I’d love to hear some if you got any~!

Or some random words~

I may need some help to queue some quotes atm-

So ye! Feel free to bury me in comments, messages, asks- I don’t mind. I can survive. I hope.

-Risewriter 🐢 🧡

[chuluoyi]

Chu! Chu! Lovely Chu! Chu! Chu!

I love your 'Love Entries' so, so much!! He's so cute!!! I want to squish his cheeks!!! <333

You're a brilliant writer!! So funny and so, so lovely!!!

Wishing you all the very best!! Xxxx

‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

thank you so much for contacting but chu isn’t able to respond as she has turned into a mush of potato fluff after reading this ask. rest assured, your kind words will be resonating with her for days to come

[allylikethecat]

foaming at the mouth trying to wait patiently ☺️

Ahhh I hope you enjoy the updates!!! The All the King's Horses chapter has just been posted! I will have the Make Way for Ducklings chapter up and ready on Tuesday! I hope all of these updates are worth the wait! I cannot wait to hear your thoughts!

I hope you are having a very happy friday and that you have a great weekend!

❤️Ally