#thank god for antidepressants making me not give a single fuck about it

[sirnica]

I was told by a coworker I kinda trust (as much as I can trust these people, which isn't much) to be careful because every mistake in the system is now being blamed at me and because I dared to compliment the work she did yesterday at a meeting in front of other coworkers.

Wasn't I suppose to be working in a laboratory and not fuckin Westeros?

[lukesperfectharmonyhair]

im rewatching jatp instead of studying for the 3 tests i have tomorrow and i thought i would share my thoughts and reactions with each episode so enjoy!!....

wake up

- hearing the “1, 2, 3″ at the start of the episode gives me more serotonin than my antidepressants ever will

- julie’s slippers...that’s it...that’s the thought

- that dry ass pasta the molina’s are eating for dinner??? someone needs to give my man ray some cooking tips or a cookbook... something

-the looks the boys give julie when she says it was an OLD cd she found. as if they could be old??

-the entire julie and luke kitchen scene i mean there are no words to describe how much i am in love with scene. the banter, the flirting, luke giving this girl he literally just met an actual PIECE OF HIS SOUL so she can get music back into her life. not a single time have i watched that scene and not felt my heart literally grow cause of how cute they are. 

-the entire scene when julie is singing wake up. that scene is what made me literally CRAVE watching the other episodes. like of course i was going to watch them cause i wasn’t gonna just stop watching a show after one episode, and yes the show was good already but seeing the lighting and her voice, and just everything about the scene,,,,*chef’s kiss* 

bright

-flynn drinking seven sodas....SEVEN??? i would be throwing up if i drank more than like 2 and she drank seven,,,no ma’am.

- flynn and her trumpet. talented queen

- “ i wouldn’t have given you the song if i didnt think you were gonna rock it.” lmaooo im crying:)

- i start tearing up every time julie goes to play the first notes of bright,,, and then i’m full on bawling when the guys come in and play with her cause...they weren’t playing to be seen they were playing to be there for her and play to comfort her. pls i love them<3

- nick vibing in the front row

- the tech guy deserves so much more praise

flying solo

- reggie’s little butt shake or whatever you wanna call it!!

- julie’s little laugh when she yells at the guys to stop it

- “and we’re on the runway again” GENUINELY one of my favorite lines of the whole show pls i love luke’s humor

-this is the first time i noticed this but reggie’s face after alex says “DONT TELL ME HOW TO GHOST!”

-WILLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU<3333333

-the slow mo helmet take off,,,,me too alex me too

-willie’s little giggles:))))

- “oh-oh!”

- “no clue” alex i love you baby<3

- next season better give us a scene of flynn throwing eggs at someone’s house because i think it’s safe to say we were robbed of that experience. 

- the flying solo performance is just amazing

i got the music

- just the whole opening scene is so cute ....the dancing, singing, happiness RADIATING from julie 

-nick in an all white suit and fedora

-WILLEX MUSEUM DATE YEAH BABYYYYY

- carefree skateboarder bf and anxiety ridden drummer bf

- yelling. in. museums. 

-alex thinking he’s literally dying again because of the salt... zero braincells in this band.

- another scene we were robbed of that i need to see in season 2...reggie singing “home is where my horse is” while alex and julie sit patiently and attentively listen to him but luke looks like he’s about to commit murder

- i get SO MUCH second hand embarrassment for julie when she looks through luke’s songbook and says “ wow luke I didn’t know you were such a romantic” julie baby i love you but...eekkkkk

- “he looks like a substitute teacher”- where did he come up with that like so many other things he could be compared to but a substitute teacher??

- “luke introduced you to rock” heck yeah it did.. literal soulmates

- would like to see a picture of the raccoon in Flynn’s backyard

- wee woo wee woo police sirens://///

- julie’s outfit ughhhh i love it

- the poster that im pretty sure says “sexiest role” behind caleb... why was that necessary 

the other side of hollywood

- THE ENTIRE PERFORMANCE OF THE OTHER SIDE OF HOLLYWOOD 

- i lose my absolute shit over this song omg literal chills

- the cape grab i cannot physically do this rn

- willie being so excited the entire performance and looking over to see alex’s reaction

- reggie being in awe everytime one of the girls performing does something.. me too reggie

-”well i wouldn't really call it mAAgiCcCC bUT”

- nick and his fedora again

- alex has a crush, alex has a crush on.....WILLIE

-the boys eating food for the first time in 25 years is honestly so realistic

-alex shoving a whole slice of pizza in his mouth

- lukes ‘OH MY GODDDDD’

- reggie kissing his meatball sub that looks painfully dry but also delicious 

- the continuation of the other side of hollywood performance and everyone dancing

-reggie imitating caleb’s evil laugh and owen trying so hard not to break

-me getting mad at the boys for not showing up for julie and being sad with her but at the same time i’m obviously not mad at the boys just...disappointed?? idk 

finally free

- how did julie get to the school if she missed the first three classes?? wasn’t she still at flynn’s house from the night before cause she slept over so did she walk to school or was she just sitting in flynn’s house by herself and one of flynn’s parents was like you gonna go to school or???

-dance class with nicky poo<3

-reggie fixing his amp in the rain

-julie’s blue dress outfit in this episode is my ABSOLUTE favorite 

- the birthday candle scene makes me sob like a little baby,,,and rightfully so

- julie smart, smart to be taking calculus as what a sophomore??

- all eyes on me yes queen iconic

- alex dancing is how i dance in my brain whenever the song comes on 

- finally free as a song is NEVER given enough credit and why not?? it’s my favorite song they do as a band AND the madison’s vocals and the echoing part omg i loveeeee

- and the whole performance with luke’s heart eyes. i count this performance as the moment luke like fell in love with julie...like full on just blown away with how much awe and admiration he has for her in that moment and all the time.

 - julie and luke singing “and you’re a part of me” while staring directly into each others soul,,,yeah that’s love kids

edge of great

- carlos being the ghost hunter he is and tía being done with him

- luke’s pouting face 

- reggie and ray making breakfast together is so wholesome. reggie really loves and seeks comfort in ray and i love that

- luke just waiting next to julie’s locker and his little “hey”

- the first time i watch this scene i thought charlie was from new york cause of the way he says “ i can't do this without you” and then i watched the cast interviews and just realized he is somewhat joey tribbiani 

- jealous luke hehehehehhehehe

- “well dont you look shARrP”- yes he does luke thank you very much

- “uh oh i think someone has a crush on julie” yeah you do you little shit,,, now admit it to her

- the proud look on luke’s face when he realizes julie is still paying attention to HIM even though she’s supposed to be having a full on conversation with nick

- the shoulder push ( as someone who has had their own shoulder pushed in the middle of a high school hallway as a weird way of flirting,,,,i can definitely somewhat attest to how luke is feeling in that moment and i too continued to flirt with the person who shoulder shoved me while we were still standing in the hallway)

- the flow from whatever the hell dance nick and julie are doing and the perfect harmony dance is so special to me and i love it

-ADOANCLOBNAOVBCOAB THE HAIR PLSSSSS

- EVERYTIME THE SCENE COMES ON AND I SEE HIM WALKING THROUGH THE MIRROR I HAVE TO PAUSE THE SHOW FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES WHILE I DIE LAUGHING BECAUSE THE HAIR IS SO BAD EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD BE USED TO HOW IT LOOKS AFTER WATCHING THIS SHOW LITERALLY 30 TIMES

- i think people see my username and assume i like his hair in this scene but...ummm fun little fact i do not like it

- the dance is so good though ugh my babies

- the hair

- madison is gorgeous 

- another season 2 scene i need: julie teaching this dance to luke and they perform it in front of alex and reggie so they can see luke roll on the floor like that

-the hair

- the lift i loveeee

- the voices at the end of the song *chef’s kiss*

- the way julie spins out from luke and into nick omg so good

- “thAnKs pArTnER”

- luke denying his feelings for julie,,,babe pls

- the whole edge of great performance is so good and beautiful and the colors are SPECTACULAR 

-julie avoiding luke’s gaze lolz

- can't believe my mans really tried to deny he didn’t have feelings for julie like 5 hours earlier even though he’s getting upset because she hasn’t looked at him in 2 minutes

- THE. GUITAR. RIFF. SOLO.

- when i finally learn how to play the electric guitar well enough to learn the guitar solo... it’s over for everyone

-nick just came to watch the girl he likes perform not watch her flirt with a hologram plssss can we give this man a break next season.

- “we have to say goodbye to julie”- that’s literally more important to luke than not playing music anymore because julie is music to him now

unsaid emily

-already crying and the episode hasn't even started

-willex in the orpheum

- alex literally being OVER reggie

- nope too emotionally unstable to watch this scene right now

- my therapist will be hearing about this tomorrow

- show us the baby picture of luke cowards

- this is such a beautiful song that makes me cry every fucking time gosh damn it

- everytime i watch the flashback scene of luke on his bike i think of “christmas song” by phoebe bridges and i cry even more

- i tried to learn how to play this song on my electric guitar (because i dont have an acoustic guitar) and i ended up crying half way through so i do not think i will be playing it anytime soon:/

- the harmonies *chef’s kiss*

- THE POLICE LIGHTS ....i cry

- FAT tears rolling down my face

- there's literally not a moment i don’t cry during this episode

- interesting little relationship :0

- when i played percussion in 7th grade i used to lay down on the couch in the practice room at school ( which god knows what people did on that couch...ew) and stick my drumsticks up my nose too,,,, just another similarity between alex and i 

stand tall

- willie really drove a bus 200 miles into the desert for his crush

- WILLEX HUG 

- i love willie no last name so much,,,i just wanna hold and protect him

- alex’s ballerina dance

-julie’s overall outfit i love<3

- “im swimming”

- the way carlos hangs up the iPad on tía makes me CRACK UP he’s just lmao bye girl

- another julie outfit i love

- “anything julie. you know that.” AHHHHHAASIDSJFPACISN love bitches

- the suits

- luke’s hair in this episode is so much better than the perfect harmony hair pls

- YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE

- the way luke looks so restricted and confined in his suit... but at the same time he looks like a 10 week old puppy

-luke’s AGGRESSIVE but small foot tapping leading up to being on the stage

- the solos:)))))

- crying again over julie’s monologue to her mom

- julie really was brave enough to be ready to perform by herself

-the way Trevor looks at carrie when she says “been here before”

-ALEXXXXXX

-REGGIEEEEE

-luuukkKKKEEEEEEE

- this performance makes me cry

- especially the first time when i saw luke flickering...sobs

- he finally looks free in his suit:))

- alex’s solo is so pretty i love him

- reggie’s solo too 

- nick just straight up vibing the entire performance

- alex and luke holding hands...hehehe cute besties

- “thank you, guys” NO THANK YOU 

- the way julie begs for them to do something about the jolts for HER cause she knows luke would never say no to her

- “no music is worth making, julie, if we’re not making it with you,” I JUST SCREAMED AND IM PRETTY SURE I WOKE UP MY ENTIRE HOUSEHOLD...whoops

- going back to that line i could say so much about it but....for someone who’s life was literally MUSIC for the 17 years he was alive, and after finding out he could play music again even though he was dead and saying it made him feel alive, he would give that up- he would give up playing his guitar, playing in a band with his friends, give up writing and singing music- if he wasn’t doing that with julie. that’s more than saying i love you,,,that’s literally like saying i’d give up my ENTIRE LIFE and what i love to do if i dont get to do it with you

- i just made myself cry with that description...wow

-the hug<3

-also imagine how luke felt in that moment,,, hearing this girl, once again that he would give his life up for, saying in his ear that she loves them. i would motherfucking glow too, luke

- *passionately but gently holds each others faces*

-HANDS OFF MY BABY NICK, CALEB

- caleb’s outfit is....something

- the head turn plssss

this was so long and i am so sorry but if you read this far.....leave some of your own reactions or thoughts:)))

k goodnight im gonna, ugh, finally go study ://

[charles195]

April 28th, 2017

Approximate date of when I lost my virginity. I was a senior in high school. I felt so consumed, like the Edible Woman. My mom yelled at me and said she wouldn’t pay for my college. Why the fuck did she say that? She didn’t even mean it and it was the start of the multiple panic attacks I had every day.

I asked for help. My therapist told me it was good I didn’t actually want to commit. I had a loose plan. I went to the doctor for antidepressants. Mistake. I said I had thoughts. Why would I ever think it was okay to tell someone my thoughts? I was locked away. It was “voluntary” until I wanted to leave and they put a 72 hour hold on me.

We had to do group therapy sessions and recreational activities for “points”. Of course I thought it was stupid. One of them was the thing where you put little colored hexagonal beads together to make a picture. “It’s a metaphor for taking small steps and creating something big and meaningful!” You wanna talk about metaphors? Let’s talk about this stupid mandatory activity is a metaphor for the system assigning arbitrary value to stupid shit to measure our compliance. Fuck it. I just made a dick. I love the ugly little distinct shape of a dick. I loved how inherently offensive it was.

I just wanted to draw or some shit. I had a headache. They wouldn’t give me painkillers. I was stuck in a mental hospital and they couldn’t give me painkillers, but they were okay with putting me on Zoloft and me asking for sleeping pills. They seemed to put everyone on Zoloft.

They actually did listen that time and gave us all pencils and paper to draw. How hard was that? Of course the other patients loved drawing. We couldn’t draw for shit of course.

I actually loved the Zoloft. The first time I took it, I was sitting on the floor outside of a door while we were waiting for some other activity and totally euphoric. Everything felt so good. Why did I have to be locked up just for some pills? My other friend mentioned afterwards that she was able to get medication for her bipolar disorder without getting locked up. It was definitely just because I had thoughts. Don’t trust dumbasses with your thoughts.

Masturbation got me through those three days. My first roommate asked me if I was okay when she noticed I was in the bathroom for a while. We were the same age, 17, and the oldest ones. She seemed so innocent. Her eyeliner was bad but I appreciated the effort she put in. We were all dressed in pajamas with the drawstrings taken out and uglyass blue socks with rubber anti-slip spots on the soles. I hate socks. I just want my feet to be free, man.

I fingered myself as much as I could when we had time to ourselves in our rooms. On the third day I couldn’t orgasm anymore. That’s when I hated Zoloft.

My first roommate was a stressed out top 10 student just like me. She was taking a shitton of IB classes. She applied for Cal Poly Pomona because she messed up on the UC application. She got in there. This year she announced she was transferring to UCLA. I loved her, she was so nice and kind hearted and she was the only one who I felt actually understood me. She was on Zoloft, too, and something else. She told me that Johnny Depp stayed in the same ward as us, too, back when it was a drug rehab center. Later I found a note int notebook from her written in secret code. We weren’t allowed to tell our names and addresses to each other in case one of us was too whack and was a murderer and liability issues. She left me her social media accounts in code. I still have her on Snapchat.

I was sad when she left but kinda excited to have the room to myself. Except we never exactly had privacy. A nurse would walk up and down the hallway periodically at night for checks. It was annoying as hell with their flashlight. I didn’t have the room to myself. My second roommate came during my huge mental breakdown.

She was a lot younger than me, but mature for her age. In a bad way. She was like 14 and said she had sex with her boyfriend. Like damn. Okay. She said she could see dead people but I wasn’t sure if she meant it or if she was just referencing The Sixth Sense. She told me she was taken forcefully and arrested by a police officer. She was a tiny 14 year old blonde girl and she was taken with force. What the hell.

She told me I wouldn’t get out if I was crying like that. She’s been in the mental hospital multiple times. She told me I had to fake progress. I told her she’s right. My first roommate mentioned the same thing.

One morning we sat together on the little seat thing at the window, and just stared out at the sky together. We weren’t allowed to go outside. Their excuse was that it was a temporary facility. That was why everything was so shitty.

When we were allowed to the actual hospital cafeteria “as a treat” instead of eating powdered eggs and other shit in the day room, she swore one of the boys from the other table was flirting with her. I couldn’t tell my eyesight wasn’t good enough. And didn’t she already have a boyfriend? What the hell?

We had “school”. We were watching a hockey movie while some lady paused occasionally and explained the significance of some scenes. Boring as hell. I don’t give a shit about sports. I had real school to return to, which I wouldn’t be able to return to for an entire month. I had AP exams to study for but I missed the AP government exam during those three days. I didn’t make it up. Studying was impossible with just textbooks. I needed my teachers to tell me what the hell the class was actually about. The month before the AP exam was the most important month in the entire school year. My learning was fucked but because I was a senior with panic attacks every single day, I was able given a passing grade. Reparation for the anxiety and depression that high school gave me. I had already been accepted into UCI.

On the third day I asked for the sleeping pills and knocked the fuck out. That was the start of my sleeping pill addiction. You can’t have panic attacks if you’re knocked the fuck out.

I was in the middle of fingering myself when I was told I could finally leave.

Some time later I finally stopped taking sleeping pills. Zzzquil was my shit. I had built up too much immunity. I was taking four at a time when two was supposed to be the max dosage.

As soon I turned 18, I had sex every day. Thanks Tinder. I couldn’t actually orgasm because of the Zoloft. But it just felt good to be penetrated really deep.

Timeline is bad, sorry. After I got out of the LLBMC, I fucked Andrew Mane. Actually that wasn’t his real name and I didn’t even realize that until much later when I looked in the yearbook. Oh my god I loved his big dick. I couldn’t cum so I faked it. It felt good. I thought I loved him. Silly me, I just loved dick. We only got to fuck a couple more time before he moved. What a guy. He was pretty whacky.

On the second day of LLBMC, I asked for my friend to visit. I chose him specifically because we marched together. We hummed the corps song together. It gave me hope. We were the last ones in the visitation room before hours ended and he had to go. He said he didn’t judge me. I believed him. I wasn’t a good friend to him. I regret that.

And then later I got into some sugar daddy stuff.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Sixteen

Part Fifteen

Pairing: Douglas Booth!Nikki Sixx x OC

Words: 4.7k

Warning(s): Language, mentions of drug abuse, minor sexual situations, mentions of depression

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———————————————————————

“It’s so good to see you again!” Tommy’s mother is as warm as she’s always been, enveloping me in to a tight hug and I gladly accept it. “You look beautiful as ever.” She assures me, pulling away to examine me.

“We’re sorry we couldn’t make it to your wedding, but we got you something.” His dad says next, handing me a small velvet box wrapped in a pretty dark green ribbon.

I take it from him, and Tommy’s bouncing on the balls of his feet.

“I helped pick it out.” He informs me, the chains and studs of his costume clanking together with his enthusiasm.

I look at him cautiously before taking the ribbon off and opening the box.

Shining silver flashes from the set lights above us bouncing off the thin diamond studded band with a tiny crucifix charm dangling from it.

I pick up the bracelet to get a better look at it and feel the weight behind it. Before I can even ask, Tommy’s confirming:

“It’s real as shit, Viv.” He beams. “Me, Ma and Pop and Athena all pitched in for it.”

“Thank you, Tommy.” I smile, wrapping my arms around his neck, and he’s grabbing at my wrist and fastening the bracelet around it once we pull away.

“Hey, Doc, where’s Nikki?” He asks when he’s done, seeing Doc walk past us. “I want him to meet my folks.”

“I’ll go find him.” Doc assures him softly.

“Where’s Roxie?” I ask next, remembering him mentioning she was here and he shrugs.

“She had to go use the bathroom, I think.” Tommy tells me before offering to give his parents a tour of the set.

I follow behind them, not completely paying attention until Tommy stops and points at Nikki approaching us behind Doc, looking guilty.

“Ooh, Ma, Dad, meet the Sixxter.” He introduces Nikki, the two sharing a high-five as Tommy’s mother immediately hugs Nikki to her.

It’s obvious he’s not expecting it, a slightly confused look on his face but he doesn’t reject her.

“It’s a pleasure.” His father greets him welcomingly, extending his hand to shake Nikki’s.

“Hey, Nikki, we could fly your family out for the next L.A. gig.” Doc offers and Nikki rolls his eyes as he states:

“Great idea, Doc.” Obviously sarcastic.

I furrow my brows slightly, but save whatever questions I have about it for later.

Moving to Nikki, I snake my arms around his waist, about to press my lips to his when he turns his head away and winces a little bit, my lips instead falling to his cheek.

I go to ask what’s wrong, but Tommy interrupts me.

“Oh, guys, I want you to meet somebody else. Babe, c’mere.” He motions for Roxie who’s observing all of this from a corner.

Nikki tenses up, his eyes seeming to be able to be everywhere else but Roxie...or me. As she passes by us, he’s seemingly hiding behind his black hair, and I look between the two of them just as Tommy’s introducing Roxie as his “fiancée”, catching all of us off guard.

“What?” I blurt out, nausea stirring in my stomach.

Nikki’s blatant “are you fucking kidding me” expression is shared with Doc, and Tommy’s parents are even more taken back by the news.

“Nice to meet you.” Roxie states as she forces her hand to Tommy’s Mother, who’s still staring at her son in shock.

“We’re getting married!” Tommy exclaims excitedly.

“What’s the rush, Tom?” His dad asks him skeptically but politely. “Marriage is a big decision.”

“A very big decision.” I echo him, causing Tommy to glance at me with a glowing grin and Roxie to glare at me.

“Exactly.” Tommy pipes back as if nothing’s wrong. “Nikki was out of his mind when he proposed to you but still knew he wanted to be with you forever. And, dad, you proposed to mom the night that you guys met. And she didn’t even speak English. That’s love, dude. That’s what I’ve always wanted. And that’s what I’ve got.” He motions to Roxie as he keeps his arm around her and she looks up at him like a sweet little angel.

Nikki steps away from the conversation, his body heat leaving me as he takes his arm from over my shoulders and starts walking away.

I leave Tommy and his family to their own devices as I go after Nikki, concerned.

“Hey, baby.” I grab at his hand gently, walking fast to keep up with him.

“Hey.” He says flatly.

“Wh-what’s up?” I ask, and he stops and looks down at me.

“I’m about to go get wrecked. If you’re in, feel free to join me. If not, leave me alone for a few.” He cuts to the chase and I open my mouth to speak, but can’t form any words.

“Nikki, you know I’m not ‘in’.” I reply to him calmly.

“I’ll see you when I’m done, then.” He pushes past me and leaves me behind, confused and a little humiliated being that some of the extras working on set just watched and heard our exchange.

He apologized within a few days.

Years later I found out he had screwed Roxie that day and he was being a dick to me because he felt like a shitty husband and was pissed off that I was too good to him because, had I been a shitty wife, he would’ve at least had justification of doing such a thing—which would apparently become a reoccurring theme in the first four years of our marriage.

The only excuse he really had at the time was that we hadn’t consummated our marriage three months in to it...mainly because my “I’m not in the mood” had turned in to constant sleeping and lack of motivation to do much of anything—including personal hygiene on some days. I was depressed, and once Doc dragged me to a psychiatrist before it got too out of hand, I was put on a daily 60 milligram dose of Nardil. Being that it took the antidepressant four weeks to really kick in, that day on the set of the “Looks That Kill” video was the first day I really felt like myself and wanted to be involved again.

The album was released about a week after that, and the band and myself were dragged to hell over it, which didn’t help me all that much, and Nikki actually noticed it, despite his newly found hobby of smoking heroin with Vince, although the both of them had no idea I knew.

To solve the issue of constant negativity from newspapers and protestors and everything else in between, Nikki proposed a vacation.

"I already have everything handled. All you need to do is pack enough clothes for a week and we'll leave tomorrow." Is what he had told me when explaining a belated honeymoon.

"Why?" I asked, blinking up at him from where I laid in our bed.

"The album's out, our schedule's clear for a while now, and we just need to get away for a little bit."

So, that’s exactly what we did.

Rockstar's Wife Attends Church Service Days After Satanic Themed Album is Released

Vivian Sixx (Kinston) was seen Sunday, October 2, leaving a quaint Church of Christ service after nearly one week marking the release of her husband's band, Mötley Crüe, debuted their album “Shout At the Devil.” The cover art of the album features a dark and twisted ensemble of red lettering and an upside down five point star which is used to often symbolize demonic or satanic presence. Vivian's mother and devoted member of the Assembly of God, Charlette Kinston, has expressed her worry for her daughter after it was announced Vivian and Mötley Crüe bassist, Nikki Sixx, tied the knot back in late June. 'I pray for them both. I'm afraid he's going to kill her. He mocks our faith, his lyrics are violent and spiteful and he's going to kill her.' Charlette reported to us when we reached out to her. Despite the scrutiny, “Shout At the Devil” continues to sell impressively well, with tracks such as “Bastard”, recently released single, “Looks That Kill”, and a cover of the Beatles' “Helter Skelter”, with the title track “Shout At the Devil."

I read the article of the newspaper Doc had read in the car ride over here to drop us off before Nikki's snatching it away from me and throwing it onto the tarmac, smacking his gum and staring down at me behind his black sunglasses.

"You don't have insurance." He uses my own words against me with a smirk.

"I was just reading what they were saying about me." I argue with a shrug, stepping up the stairs.

"Nothing worth reading." He replies, popping me on the butt to move me along.

Once we get on Doc's private plane, I plop down in a seat and look out the window.

"Are you telling me where we're going, now?" I ask him.

"I told you, it's a surprise, babe." He gives me that weird devious smile he wears so well when he's up to no good.

"I don't like surprises, Nikki."

"You'll like this surprise." He nudges me and I let out a breath and nod, giving him the benefit of the doubt although I'm full of doubt.

"I don't like tropical locations." I remind him and he brushes it off.

"You don't have to worry about where we're going being tropical." He scoffs out, resting his arm on the back of my seat.

"I don't like cold weather." I add and he rolls his eyes.

"It won't be cold, Viv." He assures me and I purse my lips for a moment.

"Big cities are what we're trying to avoi—"

"Viv." He states, raising his brows, his finger sliding his glasses down the bridge of his nose to expose his eyes to me.

"Yes?" I ask like a little kid getting in trouble.

"Just trust me." He orders with a little chuckle. "I'm not setting either of us up for failure. When I said 'get away' I meant it. Just relax and we'll be there in a couple hours."

Once we land and get off the plane, I'm blindsided by our location.

It's flat ground, and past the gates surrounding the tarmac, I see grassy fields.

"Welcome to Idaho." He pats at my hips and I look around at the completely flat ground around us.

"Idaho? We are honeymooning in Idaho?" I ask him, not skeptically, but in slight disbelief. "Isn't Idaho a bit humble for Nikki Sixx?"

"Where we're going is quiet, population 4,000, and no one gives a fuck about Nikki Sixx or Vivian Sixx-parenthesis-Kinston." He throws his arm around me as we step off the tarmac.

I had lived in L.A. my entire life, so, as you can imagine, a place such as Idaho was a shock to my system...mainly because I had no idea what the hell connection Nikki had to the state, that is until...

"Grandpa, this is, uh, Vivian...my wife." Nikki says to the older man that was waiting to pick us up in the parking lot.

Grandpa?

I'm probably scowling at Nikki without realizing it. I look a mess in my sweatpants and tank top with my tangled hair, and in no way presentable enough to be meeting any important family members, but I make lemonade and extend a hand to the not-so-stranger and he gives me a warm smile and grabs at my hand.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Vivian." He tells me with a slight nod.

"You too." I reply honestly.

He and Nikki pick up our bags, putting them into the bed of a truck.

"Nona's making dinner, she nearly forgot you were coming." He tells Nikki as we get in to the truck.

I want to ask Nikki if his dad or mom lives close to his grandparents, but I'm too anxious to speak openly at the moment, deciding to save it for later.

We're arriving in Jerome, Idaho within a few minutes, and on the outskirts of the town, we pull in to the long driveway of a cozy looking house.

"We're here." His grandfather announces and we get out of the truck, examining  my surroundings.

It's flat, full of fields that hold different types of crops, and quiet.

As I'm looking around, I'm being left behind, and it isn't until Nikki whistles at me from the porch that I snap out of my observing and walk up the steps, following him inside.

"Look who I scraped off the road." His grandpa says once we're inside.

"I thought you'd leave us in the dust, rockstar." The voice is soft but holds a presence, coming from a small woman as she leans against the doorway of the steaming kitchen.

His entire rockstar, bad boy, demeanor changes as he completely engulfs her in a hug, chuckling at her reaching up to palm at his fluffy hair, verbally acknowledging the color difference since she last saw it.

Nona was the most genuine, kind, and gracious person I had ever met and she adored Nikki with every fiber of her being.

I didn't know how someone so pure could welcome a devil like Nikki with open arms. Of course to her, even after hearing about all of his nonsense, he was never a devil. He was always that charismatic, driven, dream-chasing, little boy with the poetic eyes.

She's hugging me before Nikki even properly introduces me.

"Oh, she looks just like a movie star, doesn't she, Tom?"  She asks her husband, not giving him time to reply before saying, "I have been hearing about you for so long. It's nice to finally have a face to put with the name." She tells me warmly, looking up at me as she pulls away. "I've only heard all the good things, of course." She adds.

"Except for that one time you busted his only bottle of Jack." His grandfather says from the living room. "He had a bitter mouthful to say about that when he called here.”

"Because he slammed my fingers in my car door." I defend myself and his grandmother looks at him.

"On accident." He shoots back with a tiny grin.

It's now that I notice all the postcards from L.A. scribbled on in Nikki's writing and a few of Mötley's flyers from their earlier days plastered on the fridge, as Nona's and Nikki's back and forth turns in to background noise.

"You hush and go get settled before dinner." She finally gets the last word, though her tone is more so playful than harsh, the hint of a smile on her lips that he also shares.

I follow him through the house, down a hallway where the wood paneled walls are nearly completely covered with old photographs. I fall behind Nikki, taking time to look at a majority of the pictures and try to figure out who all is who in terms of relation to him.

Finally reaching the room Nikki entered, I furrow my brows slightly.

The "spare" room seems as if someone's living in it. The walls are littered with posters of artists ranging from Elton John to Deep Purple and to KISS.

There's a few pictures set up on the chest of drawers of a younger Nikki with brown hair, with his grandparents and another with what I assume is a few school friends.

"I was, like, sixteen or seventeen in those." He tells me when he notices I'm looking at the photographs.

"You lived here?" I finally come out and ask him, sitting down on the middle of the full sized bed, and he opens his suitcase and hesitates for a second.

"Uh, you could say that, yeah." He replies flatly, grabbing a change of clothes.

"What about your mom?" I knew he had her arrested or something, but I don't know if that was before or after he lived here.

He doesn't answer as if he didn't hear me, but I know he did.

"Or your dad—"

"I'm about to get a shower." He cuts me short, tugging at my ankle, pulling me down the bed so my legs are hanging off the end of it, settling between them. "You can come, too, if you want." He teases, the palm of his hand running up and down my thigh.

"...Or you could shower and I could probably just take a nap. I'm really sleepy." I tell him softly, my hand covering the top of his and stopping it before he can slip his fingers between my legs.

"It's our honeymoon, though." He doesn't give up.

I take my bare foot and place it on his shoulder when he tries to lean down, stopping him.

"You're grandparents don't need to hear us." I chuckle, his lips pressing to the arch of my foot, before leaning down over me, anyway, my leg slipping over his shoulder in the process.

"We'll be quiet." He argues, his lips brushing against mine. "I can always gag you or something."

"Go take a shower. A cold one, preferably." I state, pecking his lips and nudging him off of me.

My sex drive has been revived ever since starting my antidepressant, however, his sweet grandfather and grandmother's presence is ruining my libido.

I pull myself to the head of the bed and get comfortable, the box fan in the corner on a low setting to whisk away any heat, and drift off to sleep.

When I wake up, the sun's almost down, and Nikki's tugging on a pair of his pants before sitting on the foot of the bed.

Unable to stop myself from shifting towards him, my hand falls on the bare skin of his back, trailing across his shoulder blade as my lips mark up his spine, feeling the way his muscles ripple under his skin, starting at the middle of his back and stopping at the back of his neck before I'm wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing my lips to his cheek.

"Okay, you can't tell me to take a cold shower, and then do this." He looks at me and I furrow my brows, a little confused.

"Do what?" I ask innocently, running my finger nails across his chest.

"You..." He starts, smirking as he turns over and traps me under him, grasping one of his hands around my throat, kissing me roughly.

My legs lock around his hips, the junction of my thighs attempting to grind into him.

"The food’s ready if—oh!" Nona covers her eyes as Nikki and I scramble off of each other like a couple of teenagers caught in the act. “It’s ready. Unless you would like to wait until after you've worked up an appetite." She hints.

I burry my face in the quilt on the bed, heat rising to my cheeks in embarrassment as Nikki laughs.

"Coming.” He assures her a little awkwardly breath and she clears her throat and pushes her glasses up her nose, stepping away from the doorway.

My hand's grabbing at the pillow I was laying on earlier, hitting him as hard as I can.

"Do you not know how to lock a door?!" I whisper yell and he continues to laugh.

Once we get to the dinner table, Nona's handing us both a plate of steak and potatoes.

Except it doesn't look like steak, exactly, and it certainly doesn't taste like it.

"Um, what kind of meat is this?" I ask after a couple of bites.

"Venison." His grandpa replies and I stop chewing, blinking for a moment.

"Deer?" I ask, not wanting to sound rude.

"Mule deer." He says, taking a swig of his Pepsi.

"I soaked it in vinegar and then marinade to get the gamey taste out of it." Nona cuts in, worried I might throw up. I'm worried I might throw up, too, but I manage to keep it in.

"No, no, it's fine I just...I've never had deer before." I explain, looking at Nikki.

He's licking his lips, smiling to himself at my expense and I try to rinse my mouth out with my soda after I reluctantly swallow the piece of meat I'd been chewing, and decide to eat my potatoes instead.

"You know, we didn't expect you to come." His grandfather tells him, wiping his mouth with a paper towel. "You'd called and told us however many times before that you'd come for thanksgiving or Christmas and never did." He laughs to hide his obvious disappointment.

"Yeah...some things came up." Nikki doesn't look at him, cutting at his food.

"No, we understand. Between a wife and rock n' roll and partying with your friends, it's hard to make time for your family."

"They are my family." Nikki states, meeting his grandfather's gaze.

"So, Vivian, Nikki tells us you grew up in Los Angeles. Have you ever been out of the city at all?" His grandmother changes the subject to dissolve the tension forming around Nikki and his grandad and I hesitate to answer.

"I've been to New York a few times to visit our friend Tansy. She's modeling, now. But I've never been to a town as small as this." I admit. "You guys should come visit L.A. some time, actually." I offer, glancing at Nikki to see if he'd be okay with that.

"I've tried to get them to." He says lowly, cutting at another piece of meat.

"We plan on it, soon." Nona tells him calmly. "There's just a lot going on lately with Tom and I and you kids have plenty going on as well. It just hasn't been a good time is all."

"So, tell us about this mother of yours." His grandpa’s cutting in and I hesitate to answer for a moment.

"She hates us." Nikki informs him before I can.

"She thinks Nikki's the devil and I'm going to hell for marrying him." I explain.

"Oh, well..." Nona obviously doesn't know how to respond to that.

"But my dad's cool." I rush to say, trying to save the conversation from going sour. "He, um, told me he bought the new record." I add, remembering the letter I received a few days after the album was released.

"Does he like heavy music like that?" She asks and I lick my lips.

"I'm not sure. I've only ever heard him listen to gospel music, but mainly because my mom doesn't allow secular music in the house." I say.

"Do you like their music?" She questions next and I look at Nikki and my lips pull into a soft smile.

"I've built up my tolerance to it." It's as if I've thrown cold water in Nikki's face.

He was obviously expecting me to kiss his ass about it, and his grandparents laugh.

"Kidding." I do some damage control, gently nudging Nikki with my elbow as he looks at me unamused. "I think he's a brilliant songwriter. And the talent of everyone else's efforts match the composer's."

He rolls his eyes at me and I do the same to him, causing him to make a childish face at me and I mimic him.

"Are you going to school now or...?" She takes a sip of her drink before pulling me out of my back and forth with Nikki.

"Uh, I'm taking some time off." I tell her with a curt nod.

"She got a full ride to Juilliard for ballet, though." Nikki cuts in, taking a bite of meat. “She’s a fucking genius.” He adds proudly and I rub my lips together to hold back a giggle at the way his grandparents look at him.

“Language.” His grandad reminds him and Nikki holds back a smart-ass laugh.

“Why did you not go?” Nona asks me and I look at Nikki, who looks at me knowingly and I clear my throat.

"I didn't want to leave L.A." I explain. “Mainly my friends.”

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m sure there’s plenty of other schools closer by whenever you decide to go.” She replies hopefully and me nor Nikki have the heart to tell her I’m probably never going back to school with the way things are going for the band. “...Of course if you have babies, it’ll be harder to go to school and be there for them, especially if he’s on the road and no one’s there to help you.”

I lose my appetite immediately, and Nikki’s reading my expression like a book.

“She’ll be on the road with me.” He tells her. “I don’t care if we have to get a bigger bus for our kids to fit.” He’s certain of it and I swallow thickly, downing a few gulps of water to calm the prickling in my skin.

“I've got a cake in the refrigerator." Nona offers, noticing I’ve stopped eating. “If you want some for dessert.”

"No, thank you. I've had a long day. I just want to sleep." I decline politely and she nods, she and her husband bidding me Goodnight.

“I’ll be in there in a few minutes, babe.” Nikki says as I stand up and I nod, kissing the top of his fluffy hair briefly before stepping to his bedroom.

I stay in my T-shirt and pull off my pants and panties before I get comfortable on the side of the bed I’ve claimed as mine.

Every now and then I hear a car drive by on the quiet country road, and sometimes Nikki’s boyish laughter echos up the hall and crawls under the door to make me smile.

God, I love him.

After about an hour of hearing his conversations with his grandparents, they’re all saying goodnight.

The door creaks open and he shuts it behind him when he gets inside, stepping to his bag to drink a few gulps of Jack from the bottle he packed.

“They fucking love you.” He mumbles to me once he’s finished, pulling the covers back and crawling in to bed.

I turn to face him, getting as close to him as I can, actually enjoying the smell of whiskey on his breath.

“Of course they do.” I arrogantly agree, my voice deliberately holds an overzealously glamorous tone. “Everyone does.” I add and he scoffs at me, causing a small chuckle to leave me.

We lay in silence for a few moments, our eyes adjusting to the pitch dark of the room, aside from the moonlight streaming through the window.

His hand reaches out to graze my cheek, his thumb rubbing over my bottom lip and my tongue darts out to taste it.

A deep breath sucks in to his chest when I do this, and I don’t give him time to think before my lips brush against his.

Just as he opens his mouth slightly to tease at my tongue with his, my teeth are playfully tugging at his bottom lip, earning a faint groan from him as he pulls me up to straddle him.

Hands snake up my waist, making their way under my shirt and along my ribs, his rough palms grabbing at my chest, his thumbs rubbing over my nipples.

Heat pours from between my thighs and I pull the T-shirt from over my head, leaning back to moan out soft enough that no one in the house can hear it.

My lips find his again, one of his hands moving to my throat.

He goes to tug at the chain of my crucifix but I stop him.

“We’re married, now.” I remind him in a whisper, taking shallow breaths. “Sex in a marriage is a form of worship to God.” I add, my hands grazing over his bare shoulders.

“Bullshit.” He says back and I shake my head a little.

“I’m serious.” I tell him with a little smile, pressing a chaste kiss to the tip of his nose.

For once I’m saying something about God that he can get behind: the sleazier and more creative the sex is, the better. For worshipping purposes, of course.

“You shouldn’t have told me that.” He says with a sly smile and I laugh as he turns over and pins me to the bed.

[elounorfluff-blog]

When You’re Lost, I’ll Lead You Back Home

A/N: Ok I was trying to write a heart wrenching one shot adorable Elounor fluff, so I don’t know where the hell this even came from, but there is fluff in it somewhere (At the end mostly. So I apologize in advance if your heart breaks a little). Also, both the title and the quote/caption at the end are from the acoustic version of “Lighthouse” by Hearts and Colors. 

Trigger warning for descriptions of depression and slight mention of self-harm.

ANYWAY. 

Eleanor waited in the pharmacy line impatiently. She hated being here. Confidentiality be damned, if anyone heard her say her name and recognized it, no doubt they would listen just a little too carefully to see if they could hear the name of her medication. Perhaps she was just being paranoid, but she didn’t like giving people new reasons to antagonize her.

            “Next”, the technician at the counter called her forward.

            “Hi, I’m here to pick up Prozac?” She said the name of the antidepressant as if she were picking a real drug deal.

            “Okay, first and last name?”

            She swallowed thickly, “Eleanor Calder.”

The tech punched it into his computer and returned with a bag containing her bottle of pills. “That will be €12.00, Ms. Calder.” El swiped her credit card shakily before grabbing her receipt, stuffing it all into her purse and returning to her car where she locked the doors and recomposed herself. What was so scary about some pills? She had been on them once before and it had helped.

She pushed her thoughts aside and drove home, heels clicking as she opened the front door to Bruce jumping up on her and barking. “Oh shush you, I’ve only been gone for an hour!” Maybe if Louis had been here to entertain the dogs, but he was always gone at something. Sometimes he didn’t get home until one in the morning, and she would have a brief recollection the next morning of hearing the shower on, and then callused fingers gently moving her fingers off the pillow she was snuggling against in her sleep so he could crawl in next to her.

Eleanor hated the pills but she hated the numbness even more. Sad wasn’t even a good word for it. It was like someone had turned down the volume on her life or reduced her from a blazing fire to the fragile candlelight of a single wick. Sometimes she wanted her fire back so much that she let every awful emotion in her take over, entertained horrible thoughts.

Like how Louis had left her for a year and a half without barely a word, except to tell her he knocked someone up exactly two months after they broke up. Or how people didn’t stop the hate then like she thought they would. Her Instagram comments usually had very little to do with her, even months later. She wasn’t stupid enough to leave commenting enabled this time around. The only twitter account she used now was locked and unverified. She was getting worked up over this particular problem when Louis had the misfortune of coming home early.

“El? You home?”

She was laying on the couch with Bruce, simmering with frustration about hundreds of pointless situations. “Yeah.”

“You alright? You forgot to feed the dogs again, Love,” He said to her from the entryway as he took his jacket off.

“Well sorry if I don’t remember everything!” She said rolling her eyes.

“Whoa, chill out. I’m just trying to make sure the dogs survive.” He said it lightly, trying to joke with her.

She didn’t care. “What do you think the dogs are going to fucking do? If Clifford is anything like his owner, he’ll just go find somebody who gives him all the food he wants, maybe knock up some bitch without even realizing it, and then he’ll come back a year or two later when he realizes just what it was he gave up.” She shots at him without even bothering to see his reaction.

“Fuck it. I’m not doing this again. What is with you just being straight up… I don’t even know…mean? It’s like you’re fine and then one day you have to remind me of every single thing I ever fucked up in our relationship.” He sat on the couch across from her.

“Well, it’s a long list. And if you want kindness in the girlfriend contract,” She began sarcastically, “Tell them I want a yacht and a boyfriend who comes home before two in the morning.”

Louis just shook his head. “You want a fight from me? Fine. You knew what you were getting into when we started dating. You didn’t have to come back.”

“Right, because you weren’t begging me to?” Eleanor feels guilt in the very back of her mind tugging at her to stop.

“Is it such an awful thing that I wanted you back?”

“Depends on the day.” She said to the ceiling.

“Screw this, you are fucking impossible, I have more important things to do than argue about this.”

Eleanor was enraged now. “Is there ever going to be a day when there isn’t something more important than me in your life?” She stands up as she speaks and throws her empty mug of tea across the room, where it shatters against a wall. “I hate you right now”, and with those words, she grabs her blanket and runs up the staircase to the bedroom slamming the door.

******

Louis rested his hands on the counter and shakes his head in confusion. That’s when he saw the familiar tiny bottle. He picked it up to confirm his suspicions, and it’s exactly the medication he assumed it to be. Shit. He remembers Eleanor now, how tuned out of everything she has been, how he was the one who encouraged her to at least see her doctor a week or two ago. The seal on the bottle is still there, meaning she hadn’t actually taken any yet either.

His brain floods with images from the last time she had needed the meds. He remembers with searing detail that night in late 2014 when he came home from the tour to his Mum’s house, where Eleanor had been staying for the week. Lottie caught him at the door.

“Something’s wrong with Eleanor, Lou.”

“What do you mean something is wrong...is she sick?” Louis had demanded at the time.

Lottie looked at the ground, “Not the kind of sick you’re thinking of. I think it’s all the things people have been saying lately. It’s gotten worse. People are all over us lately.”

“Us? What do you mean?” He asked with eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“It’s not just El, Louis. They are everywhere, saying your relationship was never real. All of my social media accounts, Fizz has a twitter inbox filled with DMs just pertaining to that subject, even the comments on Daisy and Phoebes’ Instagrams.” She said solemnly. 

Louis hugged his sister tight. “Thank God you and Fizz don’t subscribe to any of that shit. You always stood up for me Lots. Swipe the twins phones and put filters on their comments if you can.”

“Got it. And we always have Mum here too. I think she’s with El right now actually.” 

“Where is she?” Louis had found her laying on the couch staring off into nothingness. He had bent down and spoke to her quietly about how a doctor was going to come see her, explained that she had to eat something, and told her how much he loved her. Later that night, he went to the guest room to check on her and found five exhausted girls asleep in one queen sized bed. Eleanor was sandwiched between Lottie and Phoebe, who laid next to Daisy, curled up against Felicity. He realized every single one of these girls had dealt with something because of his fame and his heart broke a little as he closed the door.

He had gotten through it, though. She had been put on antidepressants, fed an endless amount of food by his mother, gone out with Lottie, watched movies with the twins, and held in his arms every night until it slowly but surely got better. He had cried with her in the middle of the night when he had caught her without a sweatshirt on and seen the remains of a jagged inch and a half long cut on her left arm, that was nearly healed by then.

He never wanted her to feel like that again, and he had tried so hard to protect her. He should have realized sooner. Eleanor was never angry. She only used anger as a bodyguard for sorrow. All at once Louis came to his senses and ran to their bedroom where he was met with a locked door.

“El?” He knocked on the door. “El, just let me in.”

“Fucking leave me alone”, she shouted meekly at him.

He sighed and leaned on the door frame before reaching up to grab the hex key that opened the door in case of emergency. He popped the lock open and found Eleanor in a sports bra, laying on her back on their bed staring at the ceiling, hugging a pillow to her chest.

“You’re not very good at listening, you know that?” She remarked without looking at him. He laid down next to her, watching her face, devoid of animation as she searched the endless expanse of white ceiling above her.

“That’s true. Sometimes I’m a shit listener. But I don’t think that’s the problem here. If I’m going to listen, you’re going to have to talk." He dared to touch her then, pressing his fingers against the almost invisible scar on her left arm. She turned toward him then and he silently took her pillow and placed his other hand on her face. She closed her eyes and leaned into his hand, hinting at tears.

“Why do you put up with me?” Louis’ smiled sadly as her façade finally faded away.

“That one is easy,” he brushed her hair back behind her ear, “You put up with me, so we’re even.”

“I’m so sorry Lou.” She whispered through tears.

Louis shushed her then and sat up leaning against their bed plush headboard, gathering El into his arms, noticing just how light she was, realizing how little he had actually seen her eat lately. She had broken into sobs. He saw her phone laying on the bed, presumably from earlier, opened to Instagram. He knew exactly what she had been doing. Scrolling through comments on her older photos, where people still came back to verbally torture her since she had disabled commenting on her newer photos. Hatred strung through the vomit of text, asking her how much she was paid to show up and look pretty, how she was ruining Louis’ life, that she was ugly and things far worse. “It’s okay, Love. Screw them. All that matters is that I love you.” He held her tight against his chest and let her cry.

“I’m so fucking done, Lou. What’s going to happen if we get married, or I get pregnant? You know I’m not Brianna’s biggest fan, but there’s a whole group of people who say her baby isn’t even real. That your child isn’t real.” Her frustration and fears poured out now.

“I know, and I hate it just as much, but what can I do? El, they find a way to twist everything around. If I barely touch you, they say you’re some contracted girlfriend, and if I talk about you and hold you close, they say I’m clearly trying to put on a good show. We could make a fucking sex tape, and they would say management made us do it.” He smiled a bit at her.

She smiled for a moment too, before shrinking back into herself, whispering again. “I hate those stupid pills. It makes me feel like I can’t handle my own life.” His hands enclosed hers, warming up her cold fingers.

“Love, you didn’t choose to be this way any more than Mum chose her cancer. There is nothing to be ashamed of about taking pills to help any part of you that’s gotten a little mixed up or broken along the way. I’m sorry that being in a relationship with me comes with so much pain.” He pushed a strand of her hair back behind her ear then.

Eleanor went silent for a moment, “No. It’s not the relationship. I could be living the high life with the money and the fame. I could brush off every stupid comment easily if all I was doing was wearing the label of Louis Tomlinson’s girlfriend.” She wiped the tears away with her with her wrist. Louis looked confused.

“It’s when you come home from somewhere late at night and kiss me while I’m half asleep until my lips are swollen. It’s when I wake up from nightmares and you pull me against you until my heart rate slows down. It’s when you call and check up on me and kiss my neck and make sure I’m okay in the middle of sex. Being in a relationship was never the painful part, Lou, it was loving you that had consequences.”

Louis didn’t know how to respond. He pondered over her statement. “So you’re saying life would be- “, he swallowed thickly, “Life would be easier if you didn’t love me?”

E tilted her head back. “Hell yeah it would be easier”, She hesitated then looking at him again, “but I would take you over an easy life any day. I would have never come back if I thought I could live without you. Fuck, I need you. Don’t leave me.” She didn’t care one bit how that made her sound as she buried her head in his neck. Louis kissed her temple.

“Hey, look at me. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Yeah?” Eleanor held his gaze.

“Yeah.” And just like that, she was kissing him, both crying gently. She didn’t care. Louis kissed her through the tears. She finally pulled away to breathe, inhaling the familiar scent of cologne and cigarettes. Right here in this moment, she felt safe.

“You are freezing, Love”, Louis commented as he combed his fingers through her hair gently, “Here, you go and get a jumper and I’m going to get you some water and Tylenol, and I don’t want any complaints about it, deal?”

El nodded as they separated and Louis left the room. She changed into warmer leggings than the thin joggers she had on. Designer clothes were cute, but often very impractical. She stepped over the mess of their walk-in closet, searching through her endless high-end sweaters, nothing really looking comfortable as she looked further back into her older things. She laughed as she pulled her selection off its hanger, the sweatshirt was ridiculous, and she had no idea how it had survived. It had been an exclusive white hoodie from the Take Me Home tour that had “Live while we’re young” written on the front in a graffiti font and the tour name much smaller at the bottom. The back was supposed to have all the boys’ last names down the back, but being a girlfriend meant she had somehow scored one that just said, Tomlinson. When she had jokingly asked Louis to sign it, he wrote both of their names above his last name. She smiled, pulling on the heavy, real sweatshirt material.

Louis was equally amused as he returned to the room with water and saltines, laughing at the memory as he walked back to their bed. “Where did you find that?” He took her hand to help her up onto the bed and grabbed his phone. “Here, pull your hair to the side, I really need a picture of the back of that.” El groaned.

“Saltines now, photo op later.” Louis complied with her demands, letting her binge on crackers and water while he told her mindless ramblings about the day. Eventually, her eyelids grew heavy and she curled up against him, using his chest as a pillow, her head tucked to the side under his chin. He combed her hair off to the side and kissed the top of her head. Bruce and Clifford examined the scene and jumped on the bed, Bruce laying down next to Louis so he could check on his girl. Clifford curled up near the top and off to the side, just barely resting his head near the two of them. Louis glanced around at his little family and took out his phone. Holding it up in selfie mode, he managed to get him and the back of Eleanor’s shirt, hinting at her face as she was tucked tightly against him, and both dogs just barely fit into the sides of the photo.

He pulled a blanket up over them as he did something he hadn’t in a while. He pulled up Instagram and found the photo he had just taken. Nothing he could post would prevent the world from analyzing his life, but he decided that wasn’t going to stop him from posting about his girlfriend. He clicked next and thought for a moment before captioning the photo.

Follow me when it’s dark out. I will be, I will be your lighthouse.

Louis hit post and pulled his girlfriend tight, turning to his side, while she subconsciously wrapped her arms around him from behind and he grabbed her hand, closing his eyes as he silently vowed to himself that he would never let her go.

[dreamcafewithnata]

THE MOST HATED LOA THING IS REAL :  we just want to feel good

I was already writing about emotions here and there,all LOA authors write about them, we all spend time trying to get that “high vibe” emotions and it’s all fine.

But what we all hate to hear is this:

,,You don’t want that Mercedes , you want that feeling of having Mercedes”

It makes us want to grab the damn guru by his shirt , push and pull, and yell :

“Are you fucking crazy? Have you ever Seen a Mercedes? I want that smooth lines, fine design, elegance and technology at their finest, I WANT MY MERCEDES! I don’t want to play pretend to feel, I don’t need to feel Mercedes, I want to drive Mercedes, you fool”

  OK? Get it? We have all been there, done that, right?

Now... I hate to say this: but it’s real. We just want to feel good. That’s it. As simple as that

And here it is: my proof, my conclusion and my solution.

Proof: 

anxiety and panic attacks

To make long story short, I mastered LOA. I wanted to have 1000 euros every single month without working. Done! I wanted summer in Sanremo (Italy) without paying for it myself. Done! I wanted lip fillers. Done! Everything: done, done, done! Even having my own boutique!

But something was missing.

One night I was out in a club with friends, and I suddenly felt huge weakness in my entire body. I felt like I am radiating warmth , like I am burning , and huge throw up reflex that was so difficult to control. I wanted to get out , but I didn’t have enough power in my muscles to move, so my  friend had to get me out and put me in a cab.

Once I was in a cab alone, all that “sickness” was gone. And I realized: it was a panic attack.

I went to the doctor and got my diagnosis: anxiety and depressive reacting.I also got a bag full of pills, including antidepressants, which I consider the worst drug ever.

 Me! Me?? Now when I have it all? What’s the trick??

I had it all, all that I ever wanted. But I’ve never felt worse.

I decided to not take any pills, but the ones that calm down adrenaline and relax muscles. Simple chill pill to help me relax and sleep. I threw away the rest of the shitty pills and decided to solve this by talking to a therapist.

I ended up having a terrible hobby:

Every evening after taking a chill pill, I would wait for it to start working , but instead of going to bed, I would sit and play The Sims. The most therapeutic game ever. Also the worst life scenario ever.

How did I end up like this? Seriously, why people end up playing damn Sims drudged and enjoying it more than real life?

I didn’t tell this to my therapist, which means that I was fully aware of how fucked up it is: gorgeous girl in her 20s overdoses with pills and plays The Sims every evening from 9 or 10 pm to 4 am. I was sleeping from 4am to 8am, waking up still high af from last night dose (bigger than subscribed)

Why I was doing this?

Because that was the only thing that was able to made me FEEL OK. No worries , no stress, silence because everyone were sleeping, and I was able to be creative. 

I had it all, but at this moment I only had one wish: to feel OK.

CONCLUSION: we are doing it wrong

It is already obvious that we DO have a power to turn thoughts into reality. But we are doing it wrong.

We make a list of things: that car, this dress, that house, this vacation, that person, relationship like this, and bank account like that.

Wait, stop.

It is nice. And you should have it. Yes, you should. But I won’t say “if that makes you happy”.

NOTHING should MAKE you happy. You should just BE happy.

*I will write about how to BE happy, and once it’s on the blog I’ll link it here: ___

Happiness should not be something we are trying to find outside: in others, in things, in the image we reflect, in what we have or what we do. Being is complete opposite of having and doing.

SOLUTION: be honest to yourself

We are not always honest to ourselves. Are you sure that you want that big house? Why you want it? I’ll be brutally honest to you now:

You do not WANT IT to enjoy it and be happy, you want it to SHOW IT.

You are hot trying to create HAPPINESS, you are trying to create AN IMAGE.

A shallow surface image to show to others, to anyone who want to observe and admire.

It made me tired.

So here is the solution:

1) Be fully honest to yourself, why are you trying to manifest  and why. Allow yourself to be a bitchy honest, fully naked in your intentions and deep desires and reasons that stand behind

2) Allow yourself to get tired and give up. Look at all tiring things you want and say: thank you, I understand now why you are here, I’m glad you were here, but it’s time for me to move on and let you go. I’ll move on on a different way now and be happy. 

3)Understand that we are not creators, but COcreators, together with God (universe, nature) and there is always that big something to lean on. Just lean on that for a while, without trying to control anything. Just be and let it be. God has your back. 

The relief I felt with this is indescribable. Like I was born again. It took me 3 weeks of playing games on pills and rethinking about who I am, what I want and why I am not happy now when everything outside is ok.

And I got tired and gave up, and then I saw it: I need peace. And once I realized that - I had it :) 

[johnlockedslashprincess]

Hello world.

How are you? I’m... still alive. Maybe more alive than ever? 

I’ve had a pretty weird day today. Reading an old fic of mine that plays the old, sad strings in my brain and it got me thinking all those not good things that make me regret I chose to live in the end. 

I like to talk about myself. I like to think about myself. And most recently, to everyone’s surprise, my therapist finally made me realize why that is a thing. I like all these things just to persuade myself I am worth having a life because I hate myself. I hate myself so much, I feel like I’m unworthy of love of any kind. 

Everytime my mind turns a wrong turn and everything goes dark, I cry, trying to figure out where is the joke. When is everyone going to laugh at me for being so stupid, for thinking that they actually loved me. I stare at my boyfriend, who’s telling me all the good stuff that he can; telling me he’s there for me no matter what, telling me he will always love me and I stare at him, asking why’s he still with me. Because I’m gonna be like this forever. Why would he choose to take care of someone unwilling to understand they’ve got a place in this world? 

I keep thinking about what I’ve done. Mostly... I still wish I was dead. I’m doing better than I’ve ever been but the thought is still there. Everyone would be better without me. 

This is the first time I’m going into details. I’ve told everyone that I don’t remember most of what happened and it was true for some time. But I really got better so my brain finally let these thoughts back into light from being repressed, and I keep thinking about the moment I’ve decided that death was all that was waiting for me. Not just hypothetically but for reals. 

I was home alone for a weekend. I’ve had a panic attack of some sorts which logically led to me cutting myself. It was nothing serious, just some usual few scratches here and there. If you didn’t know where to look, you wouldn’t see them. It didn’t work at all so I took some benzos to make me fall asleep but they didn’t work as well. They just made me calm enough to realize I was getting to the point of having enough. 

I took every single drug I could find in my room and threw it onto my bed until there was quite a nice pile of various kinds of medication... but mostly just psychiatric ones. There were at least three or four kinds of antidepressants, some benzos, my mood stabilazors and antipsychotics, medication for my asthma, some painkillers. Who knows what else was there. I was sitting by this pile, probably crying my eyes out. Evaluating if it was enough to kill me, if this really was the moment to end it all. I texted some of my friends, trying to reach out for the last time but they were busy at the moment (don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming anyone, I respect everyone having their own lives and I will always love these people). But no one answered, unfortunately, making me more convinced that yes. This was the right moment to kill myself.

Yep, that’s right. I hate myself so much, I decided I was not worth having a life.

I started taking all of the pills out of the plates, making a new pile, more colourful this time. It was mostly white but also green and pink and orange... When I finished, I brought apple juice and a bottle of Jägermeister to my room and I locked the door. 

There was no dramatic thought, no dramatic... anything. I just sat myself on the bed, and totally calm took a handful of those pills and put them into my mouth. I swallowed them with the apple juice and from this moment I couldn’t stop. I kept doing so for quite some time. I also managed to open the bottle of Jägermeister but according to my medical records there was no alcohol in my blood. So I just probably opened it and forgot about it or had no strength to drink anything anymore.

This is where it gets tricky because I don’t know what’s real anymore and what’s not. 

I started feeling dizzy, I collapsed on the bed because my body couldn’t sit straight anymore. My stomach wasn’t cooperating even though I wanted to take in more. I felt like throwing up but I was trying my best not to do it because how would I die if I threw everything out after fifteen minutes? Needless to say... I threw up. Once, twice, thrice. I remember the bitter taste of slightly dissolved pills. 

What it is that I don’t remember is the moment I decided I couldn’t die that day. I decided I couldn’t hurt and probably kill my mum like this. It took all that I had to open my eyes that I didn’t close willingly, it took even more to find and grab my phone (that was in my bed thanks god, because if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t be able to get it, my body just wasn’t cooperating). I dialed the ambulance number, telling the nice lady that picked up, I have just overdosed. Pretty badly.

All that goes after this is just a series of broken memories... Me giving the ambulance woman all the details on how to find me; me still throwing up everything that I’ve worked so hard on getting down; the woman on the phone still talking to me, asking me why did I do that, why didn’t I call for help. 

There were ambulance, fire fighters and police on their way to my shared flat. I caused quite some fuss that afternoon. I remember hearing the lock getting picked out with a power drill, I remember the sound of all those legs running around the tiny flat I used to live in. I somehow managed to unlock the door to my room by just lifting my arm beacuse I didn’t want them to destroy it as well. 

Then it kind of ends... There were voices talking to me, asking me again, why, what, where, so young, so pretty, why... There were hands touching me and moving me around. My eyes were still closed and my body numb. My consciousness very unstable, turning itself on and off.

I remember being in an elevator, lying in a stretcher, being pushed inside an ambulance car. I thought it was night already because my eyes were still closed, while it was just around 4 or 5 pm. 

I remember the engine and siren starting and after that it was just salt and water and throwing up the whole evening. I got taken to ICU when my stomach was empty and then there was a second hell waiting for me. 

This is all just fragments again, mixed with things I’ve been told or that I’ve read in my records, because there’s almost nothing in my memory. 

I got a fever over 40°. The nurses couldn’t give me any medication so they just kept wrapping me in wet and cold sheets. I was hysterical and screaming, halucinating, biting my tongue and the insides of my mouth. I remember opening my eyes and being unable to see which made it even worse because I thought I went blind which kept me screaming and calling for help the whole night. 

The next thing I remember is the morning when my consciousness came back. 

One of the nurses got me my phone with millions of missed calls from every person close to me. The nurses already called my mum letting her know what happened (she had no idea there was anything wrong with me by the way, I never told her I was depressed). So except my mum who already knew I was alive there was only one person left I could call. I will never forgive myself for the pain in her voice when she picked up, after a sleepless night of crying and worrying... I’m sorry, so sorry, Elis. I love you and I hope you will never read this thing that I’m writing.

Lots of people came to visit me afterwards. Crying, apologizing, asking questions I couldn’t answer. Later I found out I somehow managed to make a post on Facebook that read just “i’m sorry” before I swallowed the first dose of pills. I managed to make a post on Tumblr as well. 

It’s been over a year. And... I don’t know how I feel. Like I said once, my therapist told me that suicide is the most selfish thing you can do. It hurt when I heard it. But I took my time thinking about it and I found my answer. Because what if it feels like it is the least selfish thing you are capable of? I tried everything. I tried every single medication given to me, I was in therapy, I called for help so many times for fuck’s sake. Attempting a suicide was the last call that was left for me to try. 

And guess what? I’m here. Better. Than. Ever. With a boyfriend that I love, having future with him together and having something I have never felt before. 

[moonshroooms]

Unusual Asks

Yep, I’m in that mode again. Time to answer questions about myself that literally no one asked for :D

If someone finds this in the deep ocean blue and wants to answer the same questions, I found them here

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

Pandora, I guess? But I don’t really use any of them. I only tried Pandora for a time because it told you what genre the music is, and that was how I learned I listened to completely random and unrelated songs

is your room messy or clean?

Yes.

It’s messy, but it’s only dirty clothes really? So the second we do a major Laundry Sweep it suddenly becomes clean.

what color are your eyes?

Brown baby come an get dat chocolatttte

do you like your name? why?

Yes, because it’s tomboyish. When I was younger for some reason I really liked my friend’s name Emily, and wished that was my name instead. As I got older I liked my name more and more. I also love the 30 bajillion nicknames my name comes with. And I love my nickname Moon simply because from that nickname are 30 bajillion more nicknames.

what is your relationship status?

Single and deathly afraid of romance probs

describe your personality in 3 words or less

0-100 spaz

what color hair do you have?

Black hair :3

what kind of car do you drive? color?

It’s a sentra because they get good gas mileage and I’m cheap and it’s a darkish red, cause it’s the only color they had

where do you shop?

Food Banks

how would you describe your style?

Don’t Notice Me Anyone I’m Just a Background Character

favorite social media account

I hate social media when I know people, so tumblr, because screaming into a void where I’m not known is fun. It’s like having an imaginary argument in your shower

what size bed do you have?

Twin

any siblings?

Three of them! Two half-sisters, and a half-brother, all older :3

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?    

With my friends

favorite snapchat filter?

Pfffft I’m an antisocial dweeb and never bothered with snapchat because my phone is old and I rarely take pictures of myself or share pictures of anything else I capture

favorite makeup brand(s)

I don’t wear makeup, so none VwV

how many times a week do you shower?

Once a week if I haven’t done anything that makes me gross. Maybe 3 times a week if I went jogging and got all sweaty

favorite tv show?

Steven Universe, Last Airbender, Amazing World of Gumball, Star vs.

shoe size?

6 ½

how tall are you?

5”2

… and ½

sandals or sneakers?

w a t e r  s h o e s

do you go to the gym?

No, I hate the gym. The air in there gives me a headache, everyone’s staring at you doing everything wrong, there’s people in general, and I just no. I like to work out either in the privacy of my room or out in nature (aka I started jogging at my library park and I’m very proud of myself hopefully I keep this up).

describe your dream date

A date that treats me nice and we have a good time    

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

13 bucks

what color socks are you wearing?

My skin

how many pillows do you sleep with?

Uhhhh. 2 for my head, 2 to hug, a beanie-filled duck thing, and also my cats old blanket. So like. 4 pillows if you wanna get technical, 6 if let’s be honest the duck and blanket act as pillows

do you have a job? what do you do?

I do. I clean trays and do numerous odd jobs for an oral surgeon’s office. It’s literally a part time job the employees often have their teens do. But it’s something for now

how many friends do you have?

7. The seventh one I just made recently, and it’s still sort of iffy if we’ll actively be friends. We’ve known each other for years, and she’s called me her friend before, but we’ve never like. Hung out, or talked literally ever. But I’ve always thought she seemed like a cool person and someone I wanted to be friends with, and sometime last month or so (she was staying on our couch due to family complications) I outright told her “Hey, you seem like a cool person, and I’d love to be better friends with you J” and by some miracle that WORKED. She called me a nerd for that and we’ve saw Wonder Woman with our moms. I lent her a book from the library (The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale, wonderful book, literally the first in my favorite book series!), and she’s really loving it so far! We’re gonna hang out Sunday, so hopefully we click well and I truly will have successfully made my first friend where I was the one who approached!

whats the worst thing you have ever done?

One time when I was younger I had a fight with my mom. Recalling correctly, I was upset that she ‘loved God more than me’ and during that fight she ‘let go’ and said that I was more important to her. Immediately afterwards I made her take it back, and apologized profusely, and never said anything about her feeling God was more important ever again. And she forgave me, because that’s the kind of person she is, but I still feel like shit for it, and I’m so sorry I ever made her say that, whether she meant it or not. I feel so guilty about it even today. She told me that night that she let go so she could grab onto me and save me from drowning, and that even if she had let go, God would have never let her go, and he would save the both of us. I still wish I could make it so I’d never said that.

whats your favorite candle scent?

MMmmm, I dunno. Do they have cherry blossom? Cause that one

3 favorite boy names

Devon (Deh-von), Aiden (Ay-den), and uhhhh? Naruto. (Nar-oo-toe)

3 favorite girl names

Astrid (totally from Phantom Hourglass), Anaise (yes that’s from the Amazing World of Gumball I fell in love the second I heard it), aaaaaand ermmmmmm. Buzz Lightyear

favorite actor?

Will Smith? Morgan Freeman? Yeah, let’s go with them

favorite actress?

Will Smith? Morgan Freeman? Yeah, let’s go with them

who is your celebrity crush?

Me™

favorite movie?

Bambi, Jumanji, Jurassic Park, Pirates of the Carribean

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

I do, I do!! I love Forest Born from Shannon Hale’s Books of Bayern! It’s the 4th and last book in her series, and I love it so much! I recommend it for everyone! Adventure, fantasy, a little bit of romance, fun, and honest-to-god you feel like you’re in an old folk tale the whole time. It’s all a beautiful series.

money or brains?

Brains

do you have a nickname? what is it?

Moon, Moo, Moonmoon, Moonie

how many times have you been to the hospital?

A lot for reasons

top 10 favorite songs

Fireflies by Owl City

Last Unicorn by America (yes, from the movie the Last Unicorn)

Tabi no Tochuu by Kiyoura, Natsumi (aka the Spice and Wolf Season 1 Theme)

Something Entire New from Steven Universe

Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing by Set It Off

I Ship It by Not Literally (An ‘I Don’t Care’ parody, it’s hilarious and I love it, please go listen to it)

Blue Lips by Regina Spektor

Miss Jackson by Panic! At the Disco

E.T. by Katy Perry (I’m not even sure why I like this one so much, but I dooooo)

Girl with One Eye by Florence and the Machine

do you take any medications daily?

I do, antidepressants, which I started maybe 1 or 2 months ago after people suggesting I take medication for years

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

Perfect™

No but I guess it’s fine? I live in a dry area, but my skin isn’t dried out at all, even before I put lotion on constantly. The crown of my forehead/my nose get a bit oily, but splashing my face every morning basically takes care of that. I feel kind of bad for saying I don’t really have any skin problems

what is your biggest fear?

My loved ones hating me, dying, or being hurt from my own inept, or me being unable to help them

how many kids do you want?

Two. One boy, one girl (or if one wants to change/be whatever gender later in life I really don’t care). One that’s mine genetically, one I’ve adopted. Before I would have preferred giving birth to a boy since Devon was always my favorite boy name (and my only favorite name period), but with my sister being pregnant recently I’ve randomly thought about girl names as well so now I’m chill with having a boy or girl first so I can name them either Devon or Anaise/Astrid. God forbid I have twins that are both boys/girls since A) twins run in my family, and B) I’m having only two kids period so if I got twin boys/girls then that’s it I’m done that’s the end for me

whats your go to hair style?

Two French braids that stay in my head for the whole week

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

It’s an apartment, so small

who is your role model?

My old cat Princess

what was the last compliment you received?

I legit don’t remember, but probably my mom telling me I’m gorgeous. Thanks mom, love you!

what was the last text you sent?

Me sending my group chat this

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

You think I put a date on that ish?? I dunno, I think I was still in my old house, so anywhere from 6-8 maybe?

what is your dream car?

A car that has no pollution/carbon footprint, runs on sunlight and electricity, and is reliable, also it doubles as a stray cat home that doesn’t kill them if I turn it on

opinion on smoking?

My entire older family (aunts, uncles, cousins, older brother/sister), smoked. My aunt is a cancer survivor and STILL smokes. My brother and sisters father died from lung cancer. My mother’s parents died from lung cancer. My father smokes (yet expects to live to 100???). My mother is probably the only person in her immediate family that was completely disgusted by smoking. My brother and sister vape now, in their attempt to quit, but my sister would take a hit of our aunts cigarettes every now and then. I hate smoking. It kills. It’s addictive. It’s a waste of your money and brain power. What’s worse is the people (like my sister and aunt), who don’t give a fuck if it will kill you down the road because, according to my sister, “once you reach like, 70, the fun parts over, now you start dying anyways”. Fuck you. What about everyone you’re leaving behind? FUCK you. If you get cancer it’s not just you that’s affected, it’s everyone you love and care about. Your parents, your siblings, your friends, your children. They don’t want to see you die like this, decrepit, and weak. They want to see you healthy, and having fun, and HAPPY. Do they really mean so little to you that you would LITERALLY KILL YOURSELF just because of a 2-minute dopamine rush? I hate people like that. I will never date someone who smokes. That is 100% a deal breaker. I will never, EVER go through what my mother went through with her husband, and what so many others must have gone through.

My opinion on smoking is that it needs to be buried, like all the people it’s already killed.

do you go to college?

I do! I just finished my first semester (just English 101 for my first semester), with flying colors! 940/1000 points!

what is your dream job?

Anything with animals and where I can make a difference in the animal community

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

Rural areas. I hate the city and people

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

100% I paid a shit ton of money for this room and you don’t even provide free snacks. I brought my own shampoo/condition but you can bet your ass I’m taking all of theirs

do you have freckles?

Yes? No? Does it count if it’s like, one freckle? It’s not a cluster of freckles, but I have a lot of freckle-spots on the right side of my face, random other parts of my face, and various other parts of my body (and one where like, my dude the sun don’t shine there how’s you get there???)            

do you smile for pictures?

Absolutely!

how many pictures do you have on your phone?

Currently? I dunno, 100 or so?

have you ever peed in the woods?

100%

do you still watch cartoons?

Absolutely, they’re way more entertaining than anything else anyways

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

Wendy’s

Favorite dipping sauce?

Good ol’ ketchup

what do you wear to bed?

Mismatching pajamas, and gorgeous dark blue blue shirt and blue leopard spot Victoria’s Secret pajamas that came with a matching eyemask that my aunt got me for Christmas and they have a cute shirt cut, the pants make me look curvy, I look damn good in them, they’re my favorite color, and most importantly they have POCKETS and it’s literally my favorite pair of pajamas I love them

have you ever won a spelling bee?

No, but I was in a spelling bee! Literally no idea how I got in, I think the best speller of each class was just. Automatically put in? I was naturally good at spelling and randomly got in the spelling bee, was terrified of being on stage, and got my first word wrong because the fuck? How did I get in this?? I’m 9, I’m not studying for this get me off this Awful Stage stop looking at me

what are your hobbies?

Writing, drawing, video games, teasing my cats, roleplaying, and hiking if I was anywhere away from the city

can you draw?

Yes!

do you play an instrument?

Does my voice count?

what was the last concert you saw?

Hilary Duff, when I was like 12. First and only concert I’ve ever seen in my life. Almost the best night of my tiny 12 year old life, but my friend’s mom was a dick and told me to calm down when I was screaming, singing, and cheering, and I spent the rest of the concert sitting in my seat and feeling embarrassed and awkward. Who the fuck tells a 12 year old to calm down when she’s at her first concert with her best friend with their favorite artist in the world??? You’re a fucking dick biscuit, Friend’s Mom.

tea or coffee?

W a t e r

I hate both of those. Though peppermint tea is okay, not that I’d drink it outside of being sick

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

Starbucks, but only for a cinnamon twist pastry thingy

do you want to get married?

I do!

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

I have never had a crush for realsies, only an ‘lol I thought I had a crush but nevermind’

are you going to change your last name when you get married?

If my name sounds good with their last name, yes. If not, sorry honeycakes, I’m keeping my name. They’re more than welcome to change their last name if they so choose.

what color looks best on you?

White, black, red

do you miss anyone right now?

Princess, my old cat

And Fern and Thatcher, my best friends

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

Closed, because I don’t want my kittens to get in. I used to sleep with it open exclusively so my old cat Princess could get in and out

do you believe in ghosts?

Sure

what is your biggest pet peeve?

Self-righteous people

last person you called

My mom’s case manager

favorite ice cream flavor?

Cookie dough without chocolate chips

regular oreos or golden oreos?

ReGuLaR

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

NO!!!!!!!!!

what shirt are you wearing?

Black superman shirt I wear for pjs

what is your phone background?

My old cat Princess

are you outgoing or shy?

Shy, unless I’m around people I’m comfortable with. Then I’m shy but a bit more sociable

do you like it when people play with your hair?

Oh god yes. I want to fall asleep if I ever have someone doing my hair and it’s at the Not Ripping Out Your Hair part. God it feels great. Tbh I wouldn’t be surprised if that was a turn on for me

do you like your neighbors?

Hell no they’re all awful

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

In the morning. And “wash” is a bit formal, my face-washing is more of a splash-your-face-wake-up-you-lazy-bastard kind of washing. Sometimes I splash it a few times to wake myself up more or take some oil off the oilier parts of my face, but I rarely/never use facewash or anything. It’s just water.

have you ever been high?

Nope

have you ever been drunk?

Nu-uh

last thing you ate?

Some cheap microwave chimichanga

favorite lyrics right now

Why not let me win? – You can’t dodge forever. Even if the pain is more fun together! You know I will just reset and come back newer :) and with every try I’m getting even faster than you are.

summer or winter?

Summer, if I can actually go outside and enjoy it and am not trapped in my black scrubs all day. Winter if I can look out the window and enjoy it

day or night?

Night

dark, milk, or white chocolate?

White chocolate when paired with other things, milk chocolate when by itself

favorite month?

April

what is your zodiac sign

Scorpio!

who was the last person you cried in front of?

My mom

[hellyeahomeland]

Is Homeland getting too bleak?

Laure (@laure00001): Homeland was never a happy show. Season One was about a bipolar, deeply damaged woman having a dysfunctional affair with a man she rightly suspected to be a terrorist. Later that man was hanged publicly… and believe it or not, the series only got worse from that point on. Drowning babies. Gas chambers. Euthanasia. Mental and physical disabilities. And now, sexual abuse of a minor.

So… Is Homeland getting too bleak? Do you admire the show’s bravery, or is it getting too much for you?

Zefir (@zeffy001):  Oh YES HOMELAND IS BLEAK! And it got so much worse… compared to the beginning…

Laure: But are you sure, Zefir? They hung the father of the pregnant heroine before her eyes.

Ashley: Sure, but the darkness is just unrelenting at this point.

Sara: Yeah, Homeland has gotten considerably bleaker since the series premiered. Watching season one episodes is weird for the reason that the Brody family is around, Saul isn’t terrible, and Quinn isn’t there. But also, it didn’t make you want to burrow into a hole and stay there forever…

Laure: I guess there was a normality to Brody’s family that helped ground the show.

Sara: Carrie had a snappy rapport with her CIA colleagues. Dana fucking Brody was comedic gold. And Dana and Jessica bickering…

Laure: But was there ever a happy episode?

Sara: “Happy” is not the right word. The show was never happy. But it’s worldview has gotten SOOOO much darker and more cynical since the beginning.

Zefir: A lot of shit went on in the first three seasons, but it was fun to watch. Now it’s pure pain.

Ashley: There was levity. There was room to breathe.

Sara: The closing statement of season one was “love wins the day.” Brody was pulled back from the brink by the love he had for his daughter. The worldview now is “no one can be trusted, and people you love will be constantly torn away from you, so why bother loving at all?” Ironically, Carrie’s fears from the first three seasons – she can’t get too close, because she will have more to lose – have been validated.

Zefir: So we all agree about the bleakness. The question is, was it necessary?

Sara: You can make the argument that it’s more artistically honest to be that dark. Or, just more artistic… But also, the themes of the series have changed over time.

Ashley: And to some extent you need to respect what the characters are going through.

Laure: And the world – the real one – has gone bleaker.

Zefir: I don’t think the world in general got that bleaker.

Frangi (@frangipaniflower001): The Homeland world certainly has. But the Quinn/Astrid/truck driver scene was a bleak funny moment.

Ashley: I don’t know how they can sustain an audience with this downward trajectory.

Sara: We’ve received so many asks lately, to the general tune of “if this show continues to be this relentlessly depressing I’m out…” and not in four years had I even seen one or two. Now we receive a few a week.

Frangi: What I find the more disturbing though is the lack of communication. It’s classically Homeland, but it was so palpable in the last episode.

Laure: Speaking of 6.07, what about Quinn, and what we learned about his past? Does it make the show retroactively even worse?

Ashley: No. Pieces fit together.

Zefir: Yes. It made everything we knew about Quinn so much worse.

Frangi: It explains so much. I keep going through the Quinn scenes in my mind, like a film running backwards, and I think, oh yes… That Rob/Quinn scene in 4.12. It was always one of the more touching scenes for me. Now it’s unbearable. Would people love less a broken hero or a victim of sexual abuse?

Sara: They are making us challenge and question Quinn’s heroic nature. They are taking the things we loved about him--sprightly, physically powerful/towering, sharp, level headed--and literally turning it all inside out.

Ashley: Can’t do anything about his cheekbones though.

Laure: They could mess up his face…

Zefir: Don’t give them ideas!

Sara: I would be surprised if the abuse was ever explicitly referenced or called out, but it will inform every single scene we see of Quinn from now until the end. It also reframes the Quinn/Dar relationship and Quinn’s psychology. It explains why Quinn felt so attached to the group. And the writers are giving justification for Quinn to kill Dar later in the season…

Zefir: I really hope he does.

Ashley: If Quinn doesn’t kill Dar, this whole story is gratuitous and extra gross.

Laure: Ok, people, your conclusions… Will you stop watching if they don’t turn the lights up a little?

Zefir: I will, if there’s no hope left. But the writers won’t let the hope die.

Sara: I would only stop watching if they killed Carrie. Full-stop, no questions asked. If they killed off Franny I would have to think about it. Otherwise, I’m stuck with this until the end.

Frangi: Killing Franny? Oh my God.

Laure: They will never do that. Too dark, even for Homeland. And this is a show with a gas chamber.

Sara: I used to think that Homeland would end with Carrie in a psych ward. It would be the most depressing and nihilistic ending ever. But it would be interesting…

Laure: Oh sure, “interesting.” But I would never re-watch.

Sara: It would be the series finale! You wouldn’t have to!

Laure: But people re-watch entire shows. And that would poison the series retroactively.

Ashley: Actually, the endless darkness of this season gives me hope. I feel the show will end with the characters finding some kind of peace.

Frangi: I hope so. Or what message would it send? That fucked up people in a fucked up world don’t deserve happiness?

Laure: Who knows? It’s Homeland. They want the sales of antidepressants to soar. Maybe it’s a conspiracy. Showtime and Big Pharma. And on this note, thank you everybody! It’s a wrap!

Frangi: Can we go back to listing all the ways Quinn should kill Dar? I vote for a bullet in his crotch. Don’t put this in the debate, Laure.

Laure: Of course not.

Laure: You can totally trust me.

[rkalzainwritersstory-blog]

Revenge: part 3

You weren’t an atheist your whole life.  In fact, you have been brought up within a very religious family. It was only when you came into the country that you declared your atheism. However it wasn’t due to your disbelief in the presence of god. You were just angry with him so you decided to banish him from your mind and heart by convincing yourself and others that you were an atheist. But you can’t help but revisit him at times when you feel upset, lost or even happy. He’s always on your mind but you wouldn’t admit. Within the past three months, you found yourself praying from time to time. You were at your lowest point and you knew that no one would help you except him…

You popped your first pill for the day as you sat on the couch patiently waiting for its effect. It’s funny how much life could change within such a short time. You laughed in your head at how much changed.

‘Did you take your pill?’

You saw the message but ignored it. ‘He’s so annoying I swear’ you said to yourself while Still on the couch.  Nabil was very protective of you. Like a brother or a good looking friend you cannot have feelings for. Most importantly, he was your ex-boyfriend’s friend and also the only one who helped you when you changed cities and moved for the second time, three months ago. After that incident, all you could feel is shame and embarrassment. You just wanted to run away. And you did. Within one day, you managed to empty the necessary things from your apartment, change your number and move into an apartment that was roughly about an hour away from the loft. You were so lucky as an apartment was evacuated a month ago in Nabil’s story and he managed to hold it for you.  You abandoned your old life and learned to live in the new one. You spent these three months mending what broke. You will never forget that day… you remember staring at his back in disbelief as he exited your apartment. Your body was shaking, your heart was about to stop. It felt as if you were hit by a train. You couldn’t even cry, your body went numb and you just stared at the door…

Your thoughts were interrupted as you heard someone knock at your door.

“Open it’s me, Nabil” he shouted from outside.

You told Nabil everything short after you moved. You couldn’t hold it in anymore and he was your only friend after you decided to cut off your relationship with everyone at the loft. You didn’t even talk to them; you didn’t explain, you didn’t call, nothing. You just left without notice that same day. You can’t help but wonder how they felt when they came to your apartment and found it completely emptied or how they felt when they found out that you changed your number. You wanted everything that reminded you of Milos to be destroyed. You didn’t want to remember him, you hated him, you hated his gut. You wouldn’t even allow yourself to cry. Nights after nights, you’re ashamed of yourself, of your body, of how you gave everything to him. You hated that you loved him, you hated that you believed him, you hated how you forgot your morals and your god at a moment of weakness. You were going crazy. Anxiety and stress creeped into your body and you’d stay awake for days. You couldn’t eat or drink, you’d throw up the moment you’d smell anything meaty or even buttery. Your body became very weak and if it wasn’t for Nabil; you wouldn’t be alive today as suicidal thoughts visited your head every single sleepless night. Every broken sob you held in was piling into your heart.  God sent you Nabil that night. The night you finally broke, you were on the floor sobbing and screaming, you were panting hard as you lay on the floor for a second only to get up again and smash what’s around you.  You couldn’t take it anymore; you didn’t know what to do.  You wanted this to be a lie, you loved him, you hated him, you wanted to kill him and set yourself free from this torture. But all you could do was scream, sob and crash whatever you could see in front of you.  Nabil darted into your front door upon hearing your screams and pinned you against him but you wouldn’t stop; you completely lost control of your body. He was still battling with you but you eventually caved in. ‘what have I become?’ you asked yourself the next day as you were sitting in the waiting room of a psychologist’s clinic with him. You took blood tests and sooner than you thought, you were popping antidepressants and stress relief pills every day.

 He eyed you up and down before entering. “You keep ignoring my texts and I will keep showing up at your doorstep” he said as he made his way into your living room. You leaned against the still open door. “Am not a child Nabil! “

“Then why do you act like one?”

“Oh shut up! Where’s Rama?”

“She’s not coming, close the door” and you did.

He finally sat down after bombarding you with his questions about your lunch, your sleep, and your medicines. He even went as far as asking whether you were showering regularly or not. He was so weird sometimes. But he was very kind and you knew he meant well. He eyed your pill container that was still on the table. “Hey! There are only three pills left! You’re so careless I swear! “He literally screamed at you and you just stood there staring at him. You couldn’t help but giggle and mock at his reaction. “Chill” You said trying to muffle your laugh. “I am not careless; I plan on going to get another bottle tomorrow”

He glared at you silently before accusing you of being a liar.” You invited me and Rama tomorrow to spend the day here. Where you going to leave us and go? “He caught you. You were in fact careless. In right words, you didn’t give a fuck.  You took in all his lecturing before you moved to sit near him on the couch, leaning your head into the back cushion. “Nabil?” you eyed him until he nodded. “How is he? Joseph I mean” he looked taken aback by your question.  You could make that out by the way he stared at you. “He missed you when you dumped him for that bitch” he said before turning his face from yours. You were still eyeing him silently. “You really broke his heart but look at you now. Karma is a bitch, isn’t it? “You felt embarrassed and ashamed because you knew that what you did to joseph was horrible. You didn’t love him. You didn’t care for him at all, he was an object you used for a while to attract Milos and you selfishly broke up with him when you felt that he was serious about his love for you. “I will never tell him what Milos did to you, no matter how much I want to. I promise you that” his eyes were back to you now. “I will protect you. I promise that as well” you turn your head to the other side as you feel little tears pooling in your eyes but not enough to make you cry. Those pills were good at their job.

---x

You woke up the next day to the sound of Rama singing in your room while searching through your closet. Nabil has a key to your apartment. So you figured that’s how they both entered. You loved waking up with someone. Waking up to an empty apartment is a horrible feeling. You smiled as you took in her horrible voice along with the bright sun invading half your bed through the window. You got up, kissed her neck from behind and ran into the bathroom before Nabil sees your ugly sleepy face.

It was about 5pm and it was already the hundredth time Nabil has reminded you of buying a new pill bottle. So you give in, got dressed and headed to the nearest pharmacy. It was about ten minutes away by walk.

“I am sorry dear but I don’t have the third prescription!”  He said while eyeing his laptop.

“Oh please Dave! Please look again I cannot live without any of them, they’re important” you begged him. Dave has been providing you weekly with your pills for the past two months. This is the first time he doesn’t supply them completely.

You got out of the pharmacy and stood there for a few minutes trying to remember if you saw any other pharmacies in the area. You remembered one that was close to the loft but you weren’t going there.  What If you ran into them? You catch your head with your left hand as you start panicking. ‘I deserve it! I always wait until the last second!”  You scolded yourself. Right after that, you heard Dave screaming your name as he bumps into you from behind. “Oh thank god you’re still here. I spoke to my friend. He was able to grab a bottle from a pharmacy near him. If you want you can meet up with him now and collect it” you felt your shoulders relax when suddenly they tense again upon hearing the address he gave you. Very close to the loft. You mind jumped here and there while Dave was still waiting for your response. You had no choice. You used the train station and continued your way walking until you met the guy and took the pills. Your head was turning right and left; keeping your eye out in case you see any of them. ‘If you see any of them, just run!’ you said to yourself. You let out a sigh of relief while heading back to the train station. ‘Thank god’ you kept repeating in your mind. You turned your head to the back a few times; you couldn’t help but feel followed. Maybe it was your mind playing games with you as of how paranoid you were or, there was someone following you indeed. You looked around while in the train, not being suspicious, trying to find a familiar face. You let out a long breath you didn’t realize you were holding as you tried to relax yourself into the seat.

You stood at your apartment door, chuckling and giggling at how loud Nabil and Rama were blasting the music. You entered and Nabil was looking all funny, belly dancing in the living room to some Algerian song. You sat on the couch and threw bills at them while they funny dance. Laughing and giggling sounded the whole apartment and you heard a muffled knock on the door. You got up, back walking towards the door; you couldn’t take your eyes off the hilarious scene in front of you. You slowly turn around and opened the door. You barely moved as you tried to hide a giggle forming in your stomach upon seeing three very familiar angry faces infront of you. You managed to cover how you really felt as you eyed each of them, face first, until your eyes landed on that particular third and you felt your body burn in fires of hell. You wanted to jump grab his neck and bite into it so hard, rip his glands out and watch him suffocate on the floor. But you had enough of this weakness. You managed to paint the most disrespectful grin on your face as you look from beneath your shoulder at both the dancers in your living room. Nabil saw you and started hopping his way near you.  He looked drunk and you wanted to laugh at how dedicated he was to his hip movements. “Who are these?” he looked at you and then at the three of them.

You grinned again at them and said “go inside Nabil, I’ll deal with them and get back to you”

The anger you had for Milos formed into hate that didn’t just affect him but affect George and Joshua as well. You didn’t stand looking at their faces. You hated their faces. You wanted to punch them so hard.

Nabil looked at you, shocked by your sudden rudeness. He had never seen you this disrespectful before. So he decided to drop a ‘chill out’ resonating sentence. “We’ll be in your room, you guys are welcome inside” you glare at him and watch him call Rama into the bedroom. ‘I will show him’ you promised yourself as you eyed Nabil. You didn’t spare a look at them as you left the door opened and headed towards the living room to which all three followed.

You sat at the couch and motioned to them to sit on the opposite one.

“What?” you said so coldly as you laid both your elbows on your parted knees. You saw George’s anger pool in his eyes, venom standing on the top of his teeth. He didn’t waste any time as he starting spiting his words into your face.

“Don’t ‘what’ me! What the fuck is wrong with you? How dare you leave like that without saying a word? Three fucking months and am searching for you everywhere! You want to leave? Fuck it. Say so, don’t just leave like that! “His voice started to break and you could see his expressions softening. Joshua stared at you while Milos’s head was hanging low on his shoulder. “How can you do that to me huh?” his voice lowered. “What did I do? What did any of us do?” upon hearing that, you felt your blood boil. You wanted to scream at them, tell them what that fucker did. You were surprised that he didn’t voice his victory though but you stayed silent. “What happened to you? Why are you being so cold? Answer me, say something. Who are those people and what were those pills you took from that random man on the street?” his voice rose again as he finally screamed “say something!”

You calmly raised your eyes to meet his as you slowly lay your back against the couch.

“You guys clearly didn’t get the hint. I moved once and you followed me. I moved again and again, you followed me.” You giggled, loud enough for them hear. “I mean, fuck. Just leave me alone. I don’t want to see you or know you or deal with you and the trash on your right” Milos sat on George’s right. George was so shocked by your behavior, your rudeness and your sudden resentment. He looked deep into your eyes as he was trying to find something from the old you to hold on to but he couldn’t. He starred at Milos knowing well after what you said, that your problem was with Milos as well. Milos still held his head down. “Now listen to me” you continued “forget what we were once and move on. Now, I don’t have any time for this, get out of my apartment.” You said as you starred right into their eyes, stood up and went into the bedroom; leaving them to exit your apartment.

--x--