#testament therapist real

[monkabonka1]

Behold: the stupidest doodle ever:

[udurghsigil]

not to sound anti-science or anything but i feel like a big reason for general human suffering right now is because we know too many of the secrets of this world

[cerleansky]

My therapist was so real for saying the meaning of life is found in connection.

People hug their friends when they meet up and hug them a little tighter when it comes time to say goodbye. My grandfather rebuilt the broken rocking horse my grandmother had as a child, a gift from her father. There's an indescribable ache that goes along with seeing someone you used to know intimately, the becoming of a common stranger. Coincidences that bind, one time I got an uber and the driver used to live in my home before me. It was the last place he saw his father alive as a child and he nearly cried when I told him the walls were still the same colour.

Has anyone ever gotten over their childhood best friend? Is that alone not a testament to the fact we are more than blood and bones.

It's all about connection, friends.

[things-arent-what-they-seem66]

Hello hi sorry it has been so long! I was busy and didn't get the chance to look at the new prompt list yet, but I'm here now :D

8. “I shared pieces of me, with so many people, and none of them kept those pieces safe, and I don’t know if I can risk that with you because it would devastate me if you turn out to be the same as them all. I would be completely destroyed.” 14. “I make shitty decisions and you’re a testament to that matter.” 26. “You’re the reason why I fell in love with you. You, as a whole.”

My thoughts/ideas: Guess who's back again! It's ANGST!! Nr 8 in particular is just, Adam's abandonment issues to a T. He could use a little affirmation that Lucifer didn't fall in love with him just because he's 3/3, or to get revenge or something. For the wholesomeness :))

Indigo <3

No worries! 😁 Thank you!!

Adam was waiting for the other boot to drop, things with Lucifer had been going well lately but there was something that he just couldn't shake.

Now that they have slept together, Adam couldn't help but think that he had been tricked so that Lucifer could complete his stupid 3/3 of the Eden humans. He's heard people joke about it and it fucking bothered him.

His feelings weren't a fucking joke, it had taken Adam so long to even consider dating Lucifer. There was always that voice in the back of his mind telling him that the king was going to break things off after he'd gotten his fill of fucking him.

So here Adam was not bursting into Lucifer's office. "Am I a fucking joke to you?"

Lucifer jumped, nearly dropping the duck he was working on. He hid it behind his back when he saw Adam. "Um, no?"

Adam stared him down, his golden eyes hard. "My feelings are not a fucking joke! I refuse to be treated like I'm less than nothing, like I'm a toy!" Adam took a steadying breath. “I shared pieces of me, with so many people, and none of them kept those pieces safe, and I don’t know if I can risk that with you because it would devastate me if you turn out to be the same as them all. I would be completely destroyed."  He winced at his own honesty, but there it is.

Lucifers eyes widened. "Where the hell is this coming from?" What was bringing this on?

Adam glared, he bore his teeth in a snarl. "Don't fucking play stupid with me! I know your game."

"Really? Cause I don't."

"You're just trying to get your stupid fucking score for the garden, going 3/3."

Lucifer wasn't even going to point out that even if that were true, they already slept together. He didn't want to piss Adam off more. "Adam-"

"You think I don't hear people talking? Look I get it, I make shitty decisions and you're a testament to that matter-"

"Adam-"

"But I guess that just makes me fucking stupid for wanting something real with you or with anyone-"

"ADAM!" Lucifer shouted. He pulled Adams face close to his making him look him in the eye. "Listen to me! You're the reason why I fell in love with you. You as a whole. Not what some gossipy bitches are saying." He softened a bit. "I love you. I don't know who's filling your head with lies that say otherwise, but I love you, you big dummy." He should really get Adam to talk about this shit in therapy.

"You're not using me?"

"Adam. If I were using you for sex, why the fuck would I let you live in my house? Sleep in my bed? We're engaged for fuck sakes! You're stuck with me." What more could he say?

Adam looked him in the eye and thought it over and sighed. "Okay."

"Okay?" Lucifer dropped his hands.

"Yeah, I think I'm good now. Love you." Adam kissed him on the cheek and made his way to leave.

"Are you fucking serious? After all that?"

Adam blinked. "Yeah..?"

Lucifer wiped his hand down his face. "You are so going to see a therapist sometime soon."

[thelivingmemegod]

Belief in wayward children is soooo interesting to me

Spoilers for Every Heart a Doorway and Where Drowned girls go ahead

The act of believing is absolutely integral to this series. On some level: everyone knows the doors are real,

The people at the twin schools believe this to be fact, even if Whitethorn is designed to brainwash the belief out of its students and the teachers are nameless.

The principal, real and fake, both believe these doors are real, the kids on some level, believe these doors are real.

Cora starts Where Drowned Girls Go fully believing in The Doors and The Moors and the drowned gods that haunt her, she wants that haunting to stop so badly that she goes to whitethorn. There, they begin “teaching her to forget”

And yet.

She never forgets, she aches and yearns like everyone else there. She aches to feel water surround her, but she believes this is “helping” in so far as the rainbows and voices are fading and that will keep being the case as long as she stays up for air. It’s illustrated when she’s listening to Regan struggle during her “graduation”.

“Cora wouldn’t wait to be a Jack-o-lantern. Anything that meant she was still Cora in some way, and not the puppet of the Drowned Gods. She listened to Regan and she yearned, wishing with everything she had to be in the other girl’s shoes.”

Everyone aches and everyone years until they can bend themselves into the box whitethorn wants and then they can leave. Maybe.

Then Sumi shows up. The ultimate, absolute immovable object. She believes in what she wants and will bend and snap any system like perfectly tempered chocolate if it tries to change her. She knows for full blown fact how her story ends, she knows she goes home and she can extended that knowing to others, Cora included.

Cora comes to be a little more like Sumi, believing that she is more than strong enough to face down the Drowned Gods and tell them no. And she is. She makes their rainbows her own and she stops hearing their voices and plots an escape route for them all.

Cora and Sumi are good case studies on what belief can do in this world and that brings me to the reason Every Heart a Doorway is in the spoilers.

Doctor Katherine Lundy.

Kade says during the first book that Lundy thinks in stories. She thinks in beginnings, middles and endings.

Lundy is given a very high position of power, Eleanor’s right hand and the kids therapist, she uses this power well and treats her patients kindly. The kids love her, Eleanor loves her, Kade loves her and she loves them all in turn.

Everyone trusts Lundy

Everyone believes Lundy.

So when she tells the kids that lightning is more likely to strike twice in the same place than they are to find their door home, they believe her.

This is a belief Lundy carries into her grave and I think it’s a belief that dies with her.

The Wolcott twins go home after she dies, Nancy goes home shortly after everything has settled, a door from Confection opens DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF THE SCHOOL at the end of Where Drowned Girls Go.

It’s easier to openly believe in an everyday nightmare then to admit you believe in a beautiful dream, so the kids took Lundy at her word and locked up any hope they had left. Especially when the only women with a counter opinion accidentally looks like a hypocrite because her door is literally still there waiting for her.

I think Lundy’s belief leaked out into the students and kept many of them there. Of course this doesn’t make her bad or a villain by any means. I think she’s a testament to words having mass, unintended affects on people. Affects so deep it can change the very world around them.

I don’t know how to end this ramble thingy but I needed to thought vomit about these books they make me crazzyyyyyyy

[angeart]

Maybe I’m just over emotional bc it’s late but OH MY GOD IM GENUINELY CRYING REAL TEARS. The simple thought that scar and grian’s relationships with their fellow hermits have been so damaged because something so horrible happened to them that was completely out of their control is DESTROYING me. The thing about the party gets me the most because they. God. They were so excited and happy bc their friends were coming home!! They had a house prepared for them!!! And now grian doesn’t even trust PEARL anymore. I know that eventually everything will be okay but I’m so scared of how long it will take for them to even get close to that. Your writing is incredible, the fact that it’s made me feel this distraught is a testament to its quality, but by GOD my therapist WILL be hearing about this.

oH GOSH. yeah!! it's all so ravaging, the shift in relationships and perception and feelings. they're meant to be safe now, they're meant to be happy, they're meant to be hugged and comforted by their friends, they're meant to sit down and chat... and none of that is happening.

it's not their fault.

it's not hermits' fault either.

but it is how things are. full of leftover fear, anxiety deep and clawed. evasiveness, protectiveness, defensiveness. a ravine between them where none was meant to be.

things are too much. and not enough. and all wrong. it's a mess. a chaos of a wasteland after a steady accumulation of a year-long worth of damage.

tHE WELCOME PARTY THING IS SO SAD. the hermits were genuinely eager and excited and relieved. they had signs, and decorations, and even quickly prepared foods and snacks. they made a house for them and were going to show them!! they gathered up and chatted with each other, saying they can't wait for scar and grian to be home.

only for it all to instantly go all wrong, in a horrible way none of them can quite understand. they're left so very confused. they were told to be careful, sure, but that was a vague instruction and there weren't any explanations, and they just... they assumed grian and scar are as excited to see them as the hermits were to see the two of them. they had no reason to think otherwise!!

but clearly, maybe they were wrong.

(they just can't figure out why.)

(why would grian look so afraid? why'd he run? why'd scar say no and run after him, turning his back on everyone else with practiced ease and a tinge of desperation?)

things will be okay, but it is a very gradual eventually. there's many times when they backtrack. when steps in the wrong direction are made. when things get triggered, or memories come back unbidden, old instincts awakening. fears and silence and distance.

they don't want to talk about it, which makes it that much harder for others to understand what they might need. mistakes are made, despite efforts and best intentions.

but, ultimately, grian and scar are safe now. and the others will do their best to prove that to them and wait patiently for the two of them to be ready to be truly home. <3

[the-empress-7]

But by Harry's own admissions, he has very few memories of her. How can you proclaim to know a person when you barely have memories of them?

>>therein is the problem. Harry is over here claiming he’s the sole expert on his mother despite having already claimed (and admitted in his own memoir) that he doesn’t remember much of her and needed to source her friends and sisters for content to publish about her in Spare.

You can’t have it both ways and the Sussexes are a living testament to that.

He really is walking, talking advertisement for not just the dangers of pseudoscience and pseudowellness, but also for *real* mental health treatment and therapy.

I bet a therapist would make a killing with an ad or a tagline that said “don’t be cringe like Harry. Get help today.”

I think most trained therapists look at Harry and think he is a lost cause. Not every one can be healed.

[granulesofsand]

Our DID is maybe not a disability. Or it is, but the social model that places fault on the society having barriers rather than the people overcoming them.

The C-PTSD is a disability, that bitch causes all the problems we have and then acts innocent. It knows what it did.

But the whole of the system-ness is fine. We dissociate real hard most of the time, but it isn’t a problem unless outsiders refuse to accommodate it. Same with the amnesia.

We’ve spent a lot of time putting together coping skills and strategies to survive these expectations, and we’re doing okay. We shouldn’t have had to do it like we did, but the structure is there and it’s sound.

Programs are fuck awful, but I can still put that on PTSD. Our being alters has nothing to do with our having programs, and they would have turned us OSDD 2 if we weren’t multiple.

All of the worst things about plurality are still good enough. I don’t want it to be any different than this.

Our therapist made us figure out concise statements for our goals with our system, and it remains: 1) get and stay free, 2) enjoy life, and 3) aim to have positive impact on the world.

There’s subgoals and life plans and all those, but being a system has never been a detriment to getting there. It felt like it sometimes, but still wasn’t really.

The system bit is actually a testament to our freedom, joy, and positivity. We’re getting there, despite growing up believing these things didn’t exist. And we did it together. Always together.

[adrianodiprato]

+ “I dwell in possibility" ~ Emily Dickinson

I'm Possible

In the cacophony of life, amidst the relentless noise and the ever-persistent hustle, there lies a quiet, often overlooked truth: the power of your voice. Author and therapist Shannon L. Alder encapsulated this beautifully when she said, "When you give yourself permission to communicate what matters to you in every situation you will have peace despite rejection or disapproval. Putting a voice to your soul helps you to let go of the negative energy of fear and regret.”

In a world that frequently tells you to conform, to silence your uniqueness, and to doubt your dreams, embracing your voice is nothing short of revolutionary. It's a declaration of your existence, a bold statement that says, "I am here, and I matter." This act of self-permission is not just about speaking up; it’s about acknowledging your worth, your passions, and your right to live a life that is authentically yours.

The journey of finding and using your voice is not always easy. It requires courage, especially in the face of rejection and disapproval. But remember, as Muhammad Ali famously declared,

"Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they’ve been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible is not a fact. It’s an opinion. Impossible is not a declaration. It’s a dare. Impossible is potential. Impossible is temporary. Impossible is nothing."

This profound truth underscores the spirit of "Permission Is Triumph," a philosophy I hold dear and have explored in over 750 entries on my Tumblr blog. Often, I am asked what this title means. Simply put, it is a testament to the transformative power of granting oneself the formal consent to pursue one's passions and purpose.

Too often, we allow fear, self-doubt, and the judgments of others to hold us back. These barriers cultivate a fixed mindset, trapping us in the comfort of predictability and safety. But the real magic happens when we grant ourselves permission to break free from these constraints. It's in that moment of self-authorisation that true movement begins, leading to purposeful action and, ultimately, self-actualisation.

Triumph, in this context, is about overcoming those fears and obstacles. It is about rejoicing in our growth and achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Every step taken with permission is a step toward mastery, toward a life where love, learning, and living are in harmonious balance.

The word "is" in "Permission Is Triumph" holds profound significance. It is the present indicative of "be," echoing Shakespeare’s timeless question, "To be or not to be." To merely exist or to live abundantly? That is the essence of my message. Each of us has the obligation to attend to ourselves, to truly live rather than just breathe. Saying yes to ourselves, to this glorious life, is the most liberating act we can undertake.

In granting yourself permission, you allow your heart the freedom to shine its light on everything you do. You stop waiting for meaning to happen to you and start defining your own existence. You realise that you have the power to create your own fulfilment and meaning. This is the core message of "Permission Is Triumph."

So, this is your moment. Embrace it fully. Know deep in your heart that you are enough. You possess the power to decide the course of your life. Let go of fear and regret that have held you back. As Maya Angelou wisely said, “Hope and fear cannot occupy the same space. Invite one to stay.” Choose hope as an act of self-love, a testament to your belief in your own potential. Remember always, you are not only capable—you are possible.

Adriano Di Prato is a best-selling author, broadcaster, co-host of the Game Changers podcast series, and the Academic Operations Manager at LCI Melbourne, a progressive art, design + entrepreneurship private institute of higher education.

[cinema-hallucinations]

Prompt: create a movie concept for a psychological horror story that centers around undone laundry.

Title: Laundry Day

Tagline: Can a stain of the soul ever be cleansed?

Logline: Eleanor, a once-proud homemaker trapped in a web of obsessive-compulsive disorder, drowns in a sea of unwashed clothes, each garment a canvas of imagined bloodstains echoing a past sin she desperately tries to scrub clean. Reality and delusion collide in a horrifying climax that forces her son to confront a truth more terrifying than he could imagine.

Characters:

Eleanor (50s): A woman consumed by guilt and delusion. She was once a meticulous housekeeper, now lost in a world of unwashed laundry and haunting memories.

Leo (30s): Eleanor's estranged son, concerned but unable to break through the wall of her paranoia. He seeks help from a therapist to understand his mother's condition.

Dr. Park (40s): A compassionate therapist struggling to decipher Eleanor's fractured reality and the truth behind her crippling fear. (deceased by climax)

Plot Summary:

Eleanor's once-immaculate home is now a suffocating prison of unwashed clothes. The crisp whites are replaced by a sea of grays and faded colors, each garment a suspected canvas of crimson stains. Haunted by a past she can't articulate, Eleanor believes these stains are proof of a horrific act that remains shrouded in secrecy.

Leo, estranged from his mother for years, arrives to find her drowning in self-inflicted filth. Desperate to help, he seeks the counsel of Dr. Park, a therapist experienced in treating OCD and trauma.

Dr. Park enters a twisted world where laundry becomes a sinister entity. Eleanor speaks in hushed tones about the "blood clothes," each piece a constant reminder of a past sin. She fixates on unseen stains, imagining them staining her own skin, mirroring Lady Macbeth's desperate handwashing. Dr. Park, with a combination of patience and skillful prompting, manages to coax a confession out of Eleanor.

Whether the crime is real or a figment of Eleanor's illness becomes irrelevant in the face of her escalating mania. The act of confessing, even to a single person, shatters the fragile barrier she has built around her delusions. Driven by a warped sense of needing to "cleanse" herself completely, she attacks Dr. Park in a sudden burst of violence.

Leo, alerted by the commotion, arrives to find his mother attempting to hide Dr. Park's body amidst the piles of laundry. The task is gruesomely made more difficult by Eleanor's self-mutilation, which has resulted (amongst others) in her severing her own left hand entirely. Her other hand, raw and bloodied from her own obsessive scrubbing, is a chilling testament to her mental state.

Themes:

The destructive power of guilt and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

The blurred lines between reality and delusion in mental illness.

The burden of a hidden past and its devastating consequences.

The lengths to which a disturbed mind can go to achieve a twisted sense of peace.

Ending:

The film offers no easy answers. The ambiguity of the crime remains. The final scene could depict Leo, heartbroken and terrified, standing amidst the mountains of laundry with his wounded mother. Sirens wail in the distance, signaling the arrival of the authorities. Eleanor, her eyes vacant and glazed, reaches out to touch a white garment hanging on a nearby line, its pristine innocence a stark contrast to the horror that has unfolded. The closing shot focuses on Leo's face, etched with a mixture of grief, fear, and a chilling uncertainty about the truth behind his mother's murderous act.

[monkabonka1]

Continuation of Testament being Caretakers Therapist

heres the image used

[nancydrewwouldnever]

Spot on!

I will even go further and add that the reason why this works for him, is infact because he can and has control over her. He dictates the terms of engagement. Allows her friends to be around, but for the most part, she's really removed from her support system in a foreign country. She has no career of her own and I highly doubt the money she made is that much, hence the repeated outfits. Chris is really cheap, sending her back home on economy while she wears the same outfits over and over again. When he takes her to 'fancy' places, it's comped and with every single person he knows. The detachment you have mentioned. I think he did this with Jenny too. Why he has chosen to be with her this way whether real of pr, is a testament to the kind of relationship dynamics he feels comfortable in and why it never works out with women his age and level. He talks so much about EGO,yet it clear that's his greatest problem. He hasn't dealt with it no matter how many Eckhart Tolle books he reads. He's not consistent with anything. He has a need to be the dominant one in his relationships, family and even with his friends. Whatever trauma he has, he needs therapy .

See, here's the thing though, if he has subconsciously created all these behavior patterns as a result of childhood trauma, then his behavior is in no way being dictated by ego, but totally by fear. Anxiety is usually a fear response to triggers ingrained in us by past trauma or unfavorable experiences. Even if his anxiety is a more generalized broad behavioral pattern/diagnosis, then it also very much has nothing whatsoever to do with ego.

And that's what slays me with all his philosophy lite readings or his spirituality studies: none of it will help him, as none of it speaks to the core causes that are probably driving his behavior. If it's trauma based, then that needs to be worked on with a licensed therapist. If it's a behavioral diagnosis, then that also needs to be treated by a licensed therapist and cognitive and behavioral therapy and perhaps medications.

Hey, I too read a lot of philosophy and religious writings. Guess what, it's never made one dent to helping me deal with the ramifications of having been molested at age six. Know what has? Therapy, lots and lots of therapy, and occasionally medication reinforcement when times are at their worst.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Wow, my favorite character of yours...

Antoni has my brand of pushing his own problems away to take care of others, and convincing everyone including himself that he's fine really, he's doing so well. I love him in a way I can't really put words to.

Kauri was my first of your characters, I loved watching him grow, I can barely reconcile the Kauri we have now to that boy we first met living with Owen and that was beautiful to see.

Chris... Boy, Chris can break my heart and give me hope in equal amounts. I love especially what Chris did for so many real people, I lost count of how many asks you got of people who figured out their own neurodivergency and got what they needed to thrive because of Chris. He's not only and incredibly well-written and well loved character, he has helped so many people! And I love him!

Danny consumed my life for weeks (months?) once as I first read his story, and then he never left my mind again. I love seeing someone who has gone through more horror than any human should ever have to bear, time and time again, still have the will to live and find happiness despite everything.

Jameson is not someone I expected to like. It is a testament to your abilities the way he now owns my heart because he was not my type of character at all, and yet, all I wish for him now is a good life and you did that.

I could keep typing for the whole afternoon... Nine and Eli, Kima, that one guy you wrote about a single time two years ago who sounded fascinating, that lady who's a lesbian in times past about whom you never wrote here, Peter (my child), Dex, Connor, Jake, Nat, any therapist you write....

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

"I didn't think I would like the OC, but his characterization and journey won me over" is some high fuckin' praise, my day is made 100%.

Also, Danny and Chris are two of my faves. Redheaded freckle-covered blorbos of my heart.

[cheerstotheelites-if]

15 Questions for 15 Mutuals

Tagged by girlboss @jaunefleurwrites

I won't be able to tag 15 mutuals, but I'm tagging @dragonedged-if @lifesupreme-if @accursedwhispers-if @sinners-if! No pressure though, and this is purely for fun.

1. Are you named after anyone?

Loosely based on a Bible character's name from the Old Testament. My real name means "light" or "graceful meadow".

My nickname, and the name I prefer more, comes from the first letter of my real one and best detective L Lawliet from Death Note.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday night. Read a very angsty fanfiction that made me laugh then cry hard like Pedro Pascual.

3. Do you have kids?

Besides my IRL best friend and younger friends I "adopt", nope. Don't plan to have any either.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Yeah. It's a habit now, and usually comes out when I feel annoyed or when I'm joking around with friends IRL.

5. What sports have you played?

Badminton! It's the only sports I play, to be honest. Anything with a ball that's big as my head and needs to be thrown terrifies me.

6. What's the first thing you notice about someone?

It's eyes. I read people better that way, and it's easier for me to tell if the person feels something that contradicts what they're saying.

7. Eye color?

Dark brown.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

As much as I love and write about the horror genre, I get scared very easily when I watch an actual horror movie, so happy endings for me please. I rather not dream of a flesh monster eating me alive for a week straight.

9. Any special talents?

Is having the ability to bend the final joint of all my fingers on my right hand a talent?

10. Where were you born?

The Philippines, and that's all you're getting.

11. What are your hobbies?

Reading, writing, drawing, the occassional origami, and I guess gaming? Stardew Valley, Brawlhalla, and Honkai Star Rail have a death grip on me.

12. Do you have any pets?

One dog in the house and 6 generations of still living stray cats living in the garage rent free. Don't ask about how my family managed to own 6 generations of cats.

13. How tall are you?

157 cm, or simply 5'2. Make fun of my height and I will punt you.

14. Favorite subject in school?

General Zoology, to a degree. Learning frog anatomy killed me, but I got to do a live and dead dissection of a frog, so that's neat.

15. Dream job?

Either psychiatrist, full time IF author, or Occupational Therapist for children.

[kage-no-sonzai]

Stammering Awareness Day Post

I missed Stammering Awareness Day this year because I was at a Sales Conference for work so here's my belated post.

"Therapy. It's not right for everyone"

I made a very similar decision to Paul Gaskin when I turned 18 and moved away to university. I was in a different city, far away from my parents, with nobody I knew. Away from every comfortable thing possible to hide behind. So I thought fuck it. I will not do this anymore.

Speech therapy is often not a choice for children like me.

I have stammered since the day I started talking, late, at age three. And even then my first word was 'no'. A testament perhaps to the personality that was hidden for years and years beneath the appearance of someone who was 'shy' or 'withdrawn'.

I did not speak between the ages of 3 and 14 in school. And if I did, they were one word answers. I am surrounded by memories of school reports my mum's kept with the teacher's feedback, 'she's quiet in the classroom, she should put her hand up more' or 'she'd be a clever girl if she wasn't so quiet'.

In those formative years, I had few, if any friends. And at the age I am now I realise just how damaging that is to someone. In uni, I didn't go to fresher's week, I rarely came out my room and I found myself emotionally and socially exhausted just because I walked through the kitchen to wash my pots and one of my flatmates was there trying to chat.

What has speech therapy ever done for me, if it hasn't helped me socialise and become the kind of person who just speaks without thought?

Speech therapy, in my case, was not to try and make my life better. It was to try and hammer the stammer out of me by any means necessary. I even kept the folder, which I found recently.

I missed out on classes and break times in Primary School, because I had Speech Therapy, organised by my school. And I remember feeling confused, when at the age of 8, one such speech therapist decided that my stammer was so bad, she sent me back to class, with an A4 sheet of paper. 'A-Z, Sign Language'.

I've never seen my mum so livid.

The ones who came after weren't as bad. But they never felt less patronising. They would put cards in front of me and say 'this is how you say this word correctly'. I know how to say the word, and correctly as well. Just not in the manner they wanted. Not in the way that proved to my parents, that all this therapy, all this money, was working.

Every day, I'd still come home with a stammer.

At age 13, I was gifted a device, called a VoiceAmp. A company now who doesn't operate. It was a small MP3-like device that fed my voice back into one ear, half a second later, at a higher pitch. And it worked mostly.

The teacher's knew about it. Let me use it. And I thought that maybe, maybe, it would be alright. I loathed having to carry it around with me everywhere, but it was something.

Until one day, class hadn't even begun yet, when a teacher berated me in the hallway for 'listening to music'.

And whatever confidence was built. Was shattered.

Around the same age, I found my passion, languages. I did German before, yes, but this was Japanese. This was different. Difficult. 3 alphabets, thousands of characters, fast-paced speaking?

I don't know why I really kept on at it.

It is the only GCSE I ever got an A* in.

It is the only time, I ever really truly felt supported by a teacher, and she didn't even teach at my school. She paid for my GCSE, out of her own pocket, because she saw how much I loved it.

Of course. My parents saw this and thought 'oh all that speech therapy worked, she loves languages'. When that's not entirely true.

I struggled, mentally I now know, throughout the entirety of my school life, extending into Sixth Form. Wondering, 'where am I going to fit in the real world? Who in their right mind is going to hire someone who, yes, speaks, reads, writes Japanese, but can't even say their own name without tripping over the syllables?'.

Having completed my first year at uni, something loomed in second year. My Year Abroad to Japan.

I was fucking terrified.

But I'm alive, I made it! But that, I believe was the turning point. That I was forced into situations that were uncomfortable, forced into speaking a different language to people who realistically had never seen anyone who wasn't Japanese before. And fuck yes it was awkward sometimes but when I came back to the UK, I felt totally different.

I felt that I could do this, without having my parent's hanging over me, waiting to detect the tiniest block, the smallest of repetitions, just so they could be all smug and say 'well that speech therapy was useless, you're not even using it'.

I felt like I could be a person, make my own decisions and do what I want. And with that freedom, it became less and less about my stammer and more about me.

That is why this TedTalk by Paul Gaskin, resonates with me.

I've had speech therapy, breathing exercises, coping mechanisms. I've had devices, sign language, even a band tied around my chest to control my breathing (which bloody hurt btw cos I had tits coming in).

Nothing works better, than just, letting go.

I am not cured. I never will be. I still stammer. And it's worse on some days, some weeks, more than others.

But that is not my problem.

It is the way I speak.

Stammering cannot be hammered out of a child, an adult. My parents could have flung all the speech therapy at me and it would not have changed a thing. But why does it need to be hammered out? Sure it might hurt my parents to watch me struggle, but how do they thing I feel?

Years in silence, tripping over words, verbally and physically abused, out of breath, facial ticks. It hurts me more than it hurts them.

I don't know if my stammer is neurological but does it matter? It's here now, and it's not going anywhere, contrary to popular belief. I'm still allowed to be frustrated, saddened and put down sometimes by it, because it's something that's been with me from day one.

That doesn't mean I've taken a step back.

My pictures above, refer to a moment, a pivotal one, where I was first aware I was different. It was a new school, and we were all introducing ourselves. And when I stammered, everyone laughed at me. And too anxious to cry outwardly, I stuffed my head into my jumper and cried as quietly as I could, until the class was over.

They're important pictures to keep, I think. To remind me of the little girl I was. I like to think I've made her proud.

But I'm proud of her.

Not only because of all she went through.

But because, when asked by the speech therapist how we could realistically ease the bullying (something she probably shouldn't have been asking me anyway 🙄), she responded with this.

Sorry for the long post. I need to get this off my chest every few years (and it's my blog I do what I like, jokes on you for reading this far lol).

Next year I hope to attend my first Stamma Fest. If this topic is something you've never thought about or something that interests you, I highly suggest you check out the Stamma website.

Thank you for coming to my (not) TedTalk.

[alwayscryingoverdannyb]

on march 29th 2021 @fishylife tagged me to write 5 things about myself. and I misread the instructions for some reason and I thought it said “5 things you like about yourself”... and for over 2 years I wasn’t in a good enough head-space to think of a single positive thing to say abt myself without my brain screaming why “that’s not true tho/doesn’t count”

my therapist, whom I lovingly nicknamed “maurice” (based on this post) took the time to help me come up with a couple things. so I’d like to share a mix of nice things and fun fact if that’s alright. to honor all the hard work she’s putting into helping me get better. thanks for the assist, maurice

1) I already have two tattoos and I’m planning to get another one - japanese kanji for miso soup, as a nod to my friend who introduced me to it. it became my comfort food and I always think of her when I make it. I think it’s funny because we decided to get friendship tattoos but bc our styles are so different the designs are not matching at all :’D but we will each have a tattoo that reminds us of the other and that’s what matters

2) I’m good at my job. I tend to only think about the things I can’t do but I’m trying to make peace with the very real fact that we can’t all be universal soldiers who know everything. and I think I’m good (and getting better) at the bits of the teamwork that fall to me

3) I’m good at explaining work stuff to newbies. I’ve been told this by multiple different people

4) I finally got some watercolor paper and tried my new brushes I got for my birthday. I haven’t had this much fun in a long time and I’m super proud of how they turned out. the pictures were hand-drawn by my very talented miso soup friend. here’s the coloring sheet before and after I assaulted it with my basic-ass watercolors. it took me like 5 background-watched movies :’D

5) a bonus abt mental health: I’m constantly struggling with an impostor syndrome regarding my mental health but I’ve been prescribed some stabilizers and I just really hope the doctor had a good reason for prescribing them (and not to just get rid of me/stop me from whining, which is what my brain keeps telling me). I really hope they will help because I learned last week that as long as I’m taking them, I cannot donate blood. people close to me know how important that is to me and I was really looking forward to go back to donating regularly after the pandemic. so just the fact that I’m willing to give it up should be a testament to my effort on improving my mental health. I want to give it a year and then try to get off them. the most important pillar of the treatment ofc remains therapy so I’ll keep doing that as well