#terry turtle RIP

[thriftstoresisyphus]

Frank Hurricane "Live, Oct. 12, 2021, Graffiti Pier, Philly"

[isadora-greenhall]

dndads s2e36 spoilers

here’s my traditional “thoughts from the episode” post lol

"fwHAT?!" lmao love you veronica

linc wears contacts?! UNZIPPING HIS EYES?! 💀

henry nearly killing a child AGAIN

INITIATIVE?????

double roll-off!!!!!

turtle-neck?!?!?!?!?!??! is he actually a fucking vampire rn??

metal cuff...?

have they actually forgotten nick lmao

WAS I RIGHT LMFAO (that terry jr's shooting an enemy?)

OH WAIT is he being compelled to attack them??? did willy do this?!?!?!

terry jr's "WHAT?!" 😂 like husband like wife :')

yeah they've totally forgotten nick lmfao

are we gonna learn about scary's bio dad 😬

"NO WAY!" lmao terry is so cute

oh fuck, yeah, willy knows they're alive now T.T scary's fucked

damn thought we were about to get a full confirmation of terry jr's surname, but alas, anthony is silent :')

"someday my dad's gonna come to a game" SOBBING FML

oh yeah hermie's here lmfao 😂 i didn't forget nicky but i did forget him 💀

hermie x linc?? 😬

hermie still wants to be with normal though, huh?

lmao based on the gif on twitter for this ep someone is not gonna make a roll for jumping off parachuting lmao

y'all. ANNULMENT. so much easier

ooh yeah the black parade looking for their leader scary!!!

no don't let terry jr find more ammo he's gonna be compelled to shoot the boys again!!!

"terry 2" 🥹

poor terry jr T.T T.T T.T

HERMIE AS SCARY YOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

HOLY SHIT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

FUCKING HERMIE NOOOOO

NOOOOOOO

I KNOW WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN NOOO

hermie's misery isn't right there, huh?

i knew it would be taylor crashing lmfao

"putting on his backpack with his feet" fucken linc 😂

oh no scary's poem 😭 and just after the nice hug awww

the "cool goth collar" ahaha

"gerard" asdfghjkl

STAY AWAY PLEASE HERMIE NOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"pretend you're my stepdaugher" HOW ABOUT RIP OUT MY FUCKING HEART HUH

FUCKING TEARING UP OVER HER TELLING HER HOW MUCH HE CARES ABOUT HER MUM

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

i'm cryyyyyyying

GRANT?!

IT WAS!!! FUCCCCKK

GRANT SCREAMING NOOO

willy put those collars on the dads to make them wipe themselves and the other kids out 😭 fuck me i hate that man 😭😭😭

at least terry jrdoesn't seem to know it was Grant who got him??

also terry jr and grant were canonically pretty close - terry's the one grant thought he could talk to about his feelings of disassociation (during the convo with yeet), and after yeet rejected him and they got back to the other terry jr went over to ask if he was okay...

fuck me i'm so sad now 😭😭😭

[lord-angelfish]

Tag game!!

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to get to know better.

(previous edition)

thank you very much for the tag @aeinstong much appreciated <33 (I‘m so sorry I’m so bad at keeping in touch by the way)

Name: Kaira (or Turtle, I’m not picky)

Sign: Taurus-Aries cusp

Height: ~5’2″

Time: almost one

Birthday: April twentieth

Favorite bands/artists: Hmmm Pentatonix, Voiceplay,

Last Movie: It was Up that I watched last - I’m still mad about it, my Dad kept teasing me about having squirrel moments accurately so but it’s not like he’s different

Last show: Supernatural ‘-’

When I created this blog: January twenty-sixth of this year

What I post: things that are on my dash that capture my interest, mostly

Last thing I googled: uh.

Other blogs: @mistertrickster @kaira-writes @just-some-pretty-pictures

Do I get asks: Sometimes! Mostly when I tease my friends (Remy I’m looking at you - I still stand by everything I’ve said) or reblog an ask game, it’s very fun

Following: I am following 259 blogs currently, and I’ve got ~100 followers

Average hours of sleep: generally 7.5 to 9 hours

Instruments: uhh,, I sing a lot, I play a teeny tiny bit of piano, and intermittently I play fife, irish flute and tin whistle

What I’m wearing: a light green striped tshirt and some baggy ripped jeans with paint stains

Dream job: UM. we’ll see. I don’t know

Dream trip: Mexico, France, or Italy

Nationality: American

Favorite songs: far too many to list here

Last book I read: no idea, probably the last one I was reading was The Once and Future King, by T.S. Elliot

3 fictional universes id live in: none, because fantasy kinda wouldn’t work out in reality, but if I had to choose then the discworld (Terry Pratchett), The Shire (because I’m a hobbit or something) and uh, Camelot

no pressure tagging @mochachilled @lorileopard @castielinanutshell @ghostdrools @disneyprincesssamwinchester @samwinchestergf @violenceadvocate @anarchyforcanon @demonicsoulmates @mansplainmanipulatemalewife @demon-sneeze @winch3stersgirl @the-slythering-raven @the-gray-ghosty @birdgirl1772 @callalilycas @scenequeennatural @heavensmostadorableangel @restingdeanface @mapquest2hell @damonnscroww

[acetyzias]

Phineas & Ferb/Milo Murphy's Law

ah the dwampyverse..... i'll do two characters each.

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most):

perry and GOD its a tie between dakota n milo

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped):

perry and diogee they are so Shaped (literally. weird lookin animals)

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave):

monty monogram (we were ROBBED) and honestly melissa. i wish she got a song. i'm still so mad she never got a song what the FUCK

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week):

favorite obscure character....terry the turtle (YES I KNOW HE WAS ONLY IN THE 2ND DIMENSION GAME AND IN THE BG OF A FEW EPS AFTER THE MOVIE BUT MAN..........) and uhhh...i can't really think of one for mml RIP u_u

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave):

doofenshmirtz....in both shows. I Guess. i dont really like doof in mml though, so uhhhhhh (throws dart) congrats bradley mml you're on here now too!

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason):

monogram and uhhhh cavendish. it'd be funny.

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell):

i can't really think of any for pnf specifically but elliot can go to superhell, get a better hobby than being mad at a 13 year old <3

[wantedtourist]

So you know the Deja Vu jazz lounge / Terry McCain’s apartment from Excessive Force (uhhh or the setting of this au)? It was an actual bar (same name) in Chicago, and I ran into it the other day! Around the corner from my dr’s appointment, nice. There it is on the far left:

So it’s actually been permanently closed down for years, but I peeked inside and the interior is all still there. Kinda eerie!

In this gif you can see the above door and interior! Like, even that glass cabinet with the wooden frame behind the bar, whatttt.

So interesting lol. Brothel, turtle racing...

RIP!

[abi-does-stuff]

Discworld re-read

The Light Fantastic

This is the book that got me into Discworld, we spend more time in Ankh Morpork and the Unseen University and you can see Terry beginning to find the Discworld Style. 

Rincewind and Death are a lot nicer in this. 

I’d forgotten that this is the book where the librarian becomes the Librarian. 

RIP Galder Weatherwax, we hardly knew you. 

It’s still a fairly middling Discworld book but it’s an improvement on the rest, (contrast Hrun with Conan or Liessa with Herrena). 

Rating: 4 baby world-turtles out of 8. 

Equal Rites

Granny Weatherwax is one of my favourite characters, (maybe even my favourite) but this isn’t quite Granny. 

I can’t quite imagine Granny of the later books being quite so cuddly as she is here. But maybe I am misremembering and doing her a disservice. 

It’s a shame that Eskarina Smith didn’t show up until much, much later. She was a delightful little brat. (And little kids in Pratchett novels are such brats, the way they are in real life). 

It’s undoubtably a feminist novel, but kinda a shame that we didn’t get any more female wizards (unless I am misremembering again). 

Though maybe this is as it is in real life - just because one woman manages to break through the glass ceiling doesn’t always mean it gets easier for more women to do so. 

Rating: 5 glass (Unseen) University ceilings out of 8

[kashyyyyk]

i was tagged my the lovely @theleavesoflorien to answer these questions, so here goes :))

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or a blue pen?

blue actually! but idk why

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or in the city?

the country ideally, bc cities are just too noisy, too grey, too many people. but on the other hand, ppl in the country are boring af... so. guess i could live anywhere where i had some peace and quiet and nature on the one hand, and some interesting ppl on the other - one can dream ig, lol

3. If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

any skill would be nice X’D but i guess writing, always. and not being a procrastinator. just being able to focus and actually finish/achieve smth. would be great (if that’s even a “skill”)

4. do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar?

coffee sometimes (aka when it’s bad coffee lol); tea never (tho i’d put in honey sometimes)

5. What was your favourite book as a child?

gosh i have no idea. i remember liking most books by Marc De Bel and Patrick Lagrou (both Flemish writers) and then as a teenager ig it had to be Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban!   

6. Do you prefer baths or showers?

i like both, but maybe baths, which have that additional element of “i’ve got time to relax rn” which is always great

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be?

werewolf :’) or smth that lives in the ocean (not a mermaid tho, i’m not 12) like a giant turtle or smth, or some big cat (i don’t know my mythology wow), or a dragon :33333

8. Paper or electronic books?

paper! ♥ which goes against my eco principles but i just loooove books and can’t get myself to read on a screen

9. What is your favourite item of clothing?

my mom jeans :’) 

10. Do you like your name? Would you like to change it?

i don’t like it at all D: if money wasn’t a factor, i probably would’ve changed it already, sorry @ my parents but yes

11. Who is a mentor to you?

George Harrison :’)

12. Would you like to be famous? If so, what for?

writing fantasy/scifi books or shows/movies pls and thanks ♥

13. Are you a restless sleeper?

i sleep like a log, which ig is why i wake up feeling like one XD

14. Do you consider yourself to be a romantic person?

lol. i used to... guess deep down i still am, even tho i’ve completely embraced ace/aro life for now. would never go for any of that sappy stuff tho, but some epic kind of soulmates love, i’m one of the idiots who believes in that shit :’)

15. Which element best represents you?

water ♥ and i guess air to a certain extent

16. Who do you want to be closer to?

lmao @theleavesoflorien, Henry Cavill, HARD SAME :’))) or Dhani Harrison for that matter :3 ~the 2 Main Platonic Baes~ but in all realness, i’d just wish i had any rl friends that i vibed with on a soul level /rip

17. Do you miss someone at the moment?

my brother i guess, always ♥

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory.

re-enacting The Lion King with my brother XD and generally just making up stories with him - @theleavesoflorien, we did the radio shows/quizzes too! brilliant XD

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

fermented shark, in Iceland. i highkey would not recommend 

20. What are you most thankful for?

still being alive i suppose :’) tho sometimes these days i wish i wasn’t. also, great music, books, tv shows, movies ♥ and whatever unspoiled nature we still have

21. Do you like spicy food?

sure! tho not like really spicy ig

22. Have you ever met someone famous?

i met Michael Palin in 2018 at a book signing ♥_♥ after a talk he did. and i said i’d liked the talk and he said thanks :’))))) also met Terry Gilliam last year and we talked for 2 secs ♥ and ig there were others but i can’t remember right now. oh yeah, talked to Finn Jones at a con one time :’)

23. Do you keep a diary or journal?

lol yeah like about 5 of them XD all for different aspects of my life i suppose. i have the worst memory in the world, so i need this to literally remember things

24. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

pen

25. What is your star sign?

cancer sun / leo moon / scorpio rising 

26. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

oh my fuck who would like soggy cereal o_____O

27. What would you want your legacy to be?

idk, just generally being remembered at all would be nice. would be great to have contributed something noticeable, but having made people happy in some way at all would do ig

28. Do you like reading? What was the last book you read?

LMAO yes :’) i’m reading a few dozen atm, but the last one i finished was Sign of Chaos by Roger Zelazny, part of the Amber series i’ve read about 6 times now instead of reading new things

29. How do you show someone you love them?

no idea :’)) just be there for them ig. giving them some of my time must mean i love them bc i loooovvvveee my time :’)

30. Do you like ice in your drinks?

not really actually. if it needs to be cold i’d rather just have it chilled than have ice in it

31. What are you afraid of?

dying without really having lived :’) /harsh truths hour

32. What is your favourite scent?

peaches, basil, privet, monoï, ....

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname?

gosh, depends on the situation. i guess i’d say sir or madam (without the surname tho) and i mean older as in at least 20y older

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

not working for anyone else another day in my life. except if i found something i really want to get behind and put some effort in. hopefully write for pleasure tho, which would hopefully come easier since i wouldn’t be stressed at all times. i’d like to live near the ocean and the jungle, surrounded by a only few but likeminded people ♥

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean?

love ♥ the ocean, tho i also scares me lol. would say a natural pool or a lake without too many weeds in it :’)

36. What would you do if you found $50 on the ground?

take it ofc

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

oh yes! i always make a wish :) and the same one each time too

38. What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

that they’re okay, that of course growth is important, but that they’re enough as they are, and only have to change if they want it, not for anyone else. i’d try to teach them empathy and respect for all beings and the earth we live on

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

got three already, but i’m contemplating George Harrison’s squiggly sun drawing from his Here Comes the Sun manuscript, maybe on my ankle? still considering Tolkien’s dragon drawing too. an ॐ somewhere definitely, maybe combined with some lotus thing, idk yet..

40. What can you hear right now?

Pink Floyd - The Great Gig in the Sky (Live, from Pulse)

41. Where do you feel the safest?

in my flat. or in nature when there’s no one around. in fact i feel safe most places where there’s not too many people around

42. What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

my procrastination

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be?

ooof, difficult choice. maybe just super far back to hunter-gatherer times tbh XD like okay, not that intellectually or spiritually developed, but still in touch with the actual earth we live on as simply another species, before assuming we were anything “more” or w/e, before any money or power or religion came into play ♥

44. What is your most used emoji?

i’m on the computer now so, hmmmm but: ok hand, and the crying emoji, and the two hearts, and ofc the “this is fine” content smiling one XD sorry idk how to describe it

45. Describe yourself using one word.

idiot

46. What do you regret the most?

not having taken my life into my own hands in my 20s... but i honestly try not to regret much anymore. i guess my 20s couldn’t have gone much different all things considered, and i did learn from them

47. Last movie you saw?

Mortal Kombat X’D

48. Last tv show you watched?

Red Dwarf ♥♥♥

49. Invent a word and its meaning

this is too difficult :’)))))

as usual i’m lazy and tag anyone who feels like doing this! ~♥

[goatkingwc]

MASCOT WITH MENACING EYES Episode 2 of CRWC GOAT KING WRITERS CLUB,

GOAT KING WRITERS CLUB, The loosest storytelling Podcast in all the land, were we don’t let Grammar get in the way of a good yarn.

MENACING EYES by SEAN CONWAY

Freshly squeezed orange juice, beans, mushrooms, eggs and a stack of bacon drizzled in maple syrup. This was a regular breakfast for the farmer which is why he is bulging out of his overalls.Despite his size, the farmer is a unassuming man, living alone miles away in the back woods, only making the trip to town to sell his wares.

By the way he dressed you would think he was Amish, he probably could be Amish if it wasn’t for his 1955 Ford Pick Up truck and his love of beer. He wasn’t one for fancy beer, he only had one preference that is must be cold, refreshing, and American made. The Farmer loved nothing more than a few Coors Lite after a hards day work. The farmer does most of his drinking on a Sunday, he does extra work on Saturday so he can sit back and enjoy that afternoons football game reminiscing about his days playing all those years ago.

Devouring the last of his breakfast feast that could easily feed a family of four, he enjoyed his meal oblivious to the fact that menacing eyes were staring at him with murderous intent only a few short steps away. The farmer slurped down the last of his orange juice and set out for a hards day work in the fields, unaware that today will be his last day working in those fields if the onlooker with those menacing eyes has his way.

Ploughing through the fields, the first of many chores for the day, singing along with gusto to the smooth sounds of Billy Joe Shaver, George Jones and Johnny Cash. The hours flew past with heavenly harmonics echoing through the isolated fields.

It was time for the Farmer to park up his plough and enjoy a well-deserved lunch. Nothing exciting, just a white bread sandwich with way too much bacon and a drizzle of homemade barbecue sauce made from a recipe passed down from his grandmother. Sitting on his plough, tapping his feet to the beat of Waylon Jennings, and enjoying his heart attack in a sandwich lunch, blissfully unaware of the danger that lay ahead as the beholder of those menacing eyes spied on the unassuming Farmer from a distance.

The Farmer finished his lunch and went about finishing the remaining chores for the day. He feed the chickens, he feed the cows, he feed the sheep and even had time to change the shoes on his beloved horse Bo named after his favourite Auburn Football player Bo Jackson. Bo wasn’t a racehorse, but the Farmer would watch Bo in the field and daydream of him raising the Kentucky Derby Trophy alongside the only creature he considered a friend.

One last job before The Farmer could call it a day, and that was to feed the pigs their gruel. He wouldn’t feed them any ole gruel, because these weren’t any ole pigs. These were Blue-Ribbon Award-winning pigs. The Farmer would spend hours cooking and refining his gruel recipe until he had the perfect concoction.

The Farmer walked over to the barn to retrieve his gold star gruel for his gold star pigs, but on his short journey, The Farmer stopped, he had a peculiar feeling he was being watched, a strange sense for the Farmer who lived alone on an isolated farm miles from town. The Farmer looked around and saw nothing out of the ordinary, he paused for a moment before he chuckled to himself. Paranoid thoughts were a very rare occurrence for the level headed farmer, but the Farmer wasn’t being paranoid, we was indeed being watched by menacing eyes that had murderous intent that had plans to make this the last day he ever worked on that farm.

Collecting the gruel from the barn and still humoured by his bout of paranoia, the Farmer pulled up to the pig sty in his 1955 Ford Pick Up truck, blaring his music as loud as it would go, the Farmer despite being level headed, had a collection of strange theories, he believed playing loud music for the pigs comforted then and made the meat taste better. A strange theory indeed, but whose to argue with his logic considering how many Blue Ribbons he had won.

As the day grew longer The Farmer had to struggle with the weight of his homemade gruel out of the pickup truck before he entered the pig sty. Despite his tiring body The Farmer still had a peep in his step as he enjoyed the music along with the pigs. He poured the gruel he took such pride into the troff, the sound of the Farmers home cooking hitting the metal troff sent the hungry pigs into a frenzy, bashing and crashing past the Farmer.

The Farmer’s large body was no match for the stampede of giant award winning pigs as the sound of the bones in his legs crushing drowned out the sound of the music blaring from his pickup truck, the pigs giant mass has crushed his legs and The Farmer collapsed under his own weight in agony, his screams echoing through the freshly ploughed fields of his isolated farm.

The pain was unbearable but he managed to crawl through the wet mud that was a mix of dirt and pig shit, and lean his broken body against the chicken wire fence so he could see the extent of the damage to his legs. The Farmer tried rolling up his pant legs, but his legs were so severely broken that the bones had ripped through material of his blood-soaked overalls. The sense that he was being watched overcome the Farmer once again, he was now face to face with those Menacing eyes that had murderous intent that had been watching The Farmer since breakfast, they’re eyes all too familiar to The Farmer, they were the eyes of Hog Brady, a runt of a pig the Farmer had raised since he was piglet, naming him Hog Brady for his hatred of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. 

The Farmer had grown to love this runt of a pig over the years even though he wasn’t a Blue Ribbon pig. Hog Brady though, had no love for the Farmer, watching him for years and years routinely butcher his family and friends and devour their corpses, and for what? A few blue ribbons from the county fair. This did not sit well with Hog Brady at all, he has waited years for the opportunity to exact his revenge on the butcherous Farmer, he was going to enjoy feasting on the Farmer, starting with mutilated legs.

The Farmer punched and screamed at Hog Brady, has hard as he could but he was no match for his vengeful foe, the punches and the screaming only forced Hog Brady to consume The Farmer faster. This once runt piglet was now devouring The Farmer as quickly as he could. The other pigs on the other hand, have devoured their gruel, and with their appetites not yet met, the Farmer looked like a plentiful dessert.

The pigs made easy work of the Farmer as they feasted on his flesh as they enjoyed soothing melodies of Tammy Wynette blaring from the pickup truck. It only took a few short minutes for The Farmer to be no more.

Spending hours and hours perfecting a recipe for his Blue Ribbon winning Pigs, it would The Farmer himself who would become a 5 Star meal for his 5 Star pigs.

MASCOT by NATHAN HULL

I had been summoned to the general managers office. A rare thing for a lowly team mascot, yet here I was sitting outside his large office trying to figure out whether this was a positive or potentially terrible thing for my career. Thinking back on the last week what I it was, good or bad that I could have done to land myself waiting like a nervous school child outside the Principles doors. 

“You can go through now” The uninterested receptionist sighed fiddling with her phone not even taking the time to look up at me. “yeah thanks’ I replied before taking a deep breath and walking in to meet my fate. 

Upon entering the room I shuffled nervously, waiting to be acknowledged before Mr Grandioso finally told me to sit “ Well well if it isn’t everyone’s favourite mascot” he said dismissively, lighting a large cigar and pouring himself a brandy “Make mine a double” I said with a  laugh trying to break the tension in the room. Mr Grandioso just stared unimpressed at me before continuing. “As you know we are having a terrible season, we are 1 and 11 and making the finals is now almost impossible, heads must roll’  

I wasn’t entirely sure what this had to do with me as a mascot, I mean all I did was run around in a large Goat costume trying to draw some attention away from the teams terrible performance each week, so I put my fist to my chin and nodded importantly “yes yes I agree” I said hoping that maybe I was about to be given a raise from Mascot to head coach.  ‘What can I do to help Mr Grandioso” I said reaching into my pocket for a pen and note pad, trying to look as prepared and confident as I now I assumed the other coaching candidates would look.

“Put that pen away Manfred, Im firing you” Mr grandioso sighed. ‘What me? firing me? Im the only person who actually does what there paid to do on game day” I yelled “this clubs a fucking joke a fucking shithole joke!’ I screamed making my situation much worse than it already was.

I lept out of my chair and was tackled to the ground by two of Mr Grandioso’s assistants “ listen you jabbering little cock sucker” he hissed “ you think I don’t know how bad this team performs? The amount of money I have invested into the most useless team in the history of this club?” he continued “If it where up to me id fire the lot of them but after the pre-season promises made the outrages spending spree the internal cover ups I need to at least galvanise the fans, so I’m placing the blame squarely on you”

 My head was spinning a moment ago I thought I was going to make the dream leap from Mascot to coach a feet only ever achieved once by Lucky the Dolphin in 1937, now however I realised I had lost everything, I was a patsy a fall guy a nobody. 

I slunk my way out of the stadium and over to the closest bar where I found Terry the Turtle drinking alone .Usually during the season id have no time to chat with our cross town rivals mascot but seeing as I was just fired I sat at his table and over a few drinks explained my situation.

During the course of the afternoon and a long chat it came to light that many mascots where feeling displaced and abused, and one by one we called the others eventually coming up with a plan to not only claim justice but also make us rich. The plan was simple I would take $2000 from each mascot and place a seemingly impossible bet that my ex team would go on to win every remaining  game including the championship for the year it was a $40000 bet put on at 1000 to 1 odds a $40,000,000 pay day. 

And so for the remainder of the season the plan was executed.  Mascots would tamper with play books and equipment disrupt practices, some even going as far as secretly injuring or poisoning star players. Doing whatever it took to ensure our bet payed off. And so it did we succeeded in fucking with the entire league and claiming a nice $2,000,000 each. Not bad for a bunch of no body mascots, once down trodden and laughed at we now where kings and I was the King Goat.

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[maserati-yokota]

JWP Grand Opening Commercial Tape 5/13/92 Osaka Furitsu Taiikukaikan 2

Highlights of Kansai vs. Plum 2 Fall Count Match, Devil vs. Sumiko Saito, Devil vs. Bolshoi Kid, & Devil vs. Ozaki Before the highlight reel kicks off, we get to really drink in the JWP theme song '92, which starts with a mix of cheesy metalized guitar shred and outdated, limp electronic drums. Then we get to watch them build the ring! Kandoori is tearing tickets at the door! When will someone! Unionize! This industry! Kansai! Is polite and deferential on the mic! Everyone throws t-shirts at the crowd! Salarymen cut each other's hamstrings to get one! I probably have this footage somewhere else! I’ve had! Some beers!

Plum vs Kansai looked fun, though every time I see a Plum match with lots of neck bumps I feel sad. Cuty watches ringside and echoes this sadness. RIP.

Devil vs Saito is far more generous (in its own way) to Saito than I expected. Saito gets to do fun some fun shit between colossal beatings. This match is clipped down to about 30 seconds, though, so who knows. But at least the highlights are kind.

Bolshoi vs Devil! Devil is surprisingly willing to get nutty with it--but again, we know Devil isn't gonna take an L for anybody. Bolshoi is quickly powerbombed into clown heaven.

Devil vs young n' hungry Ozaki! Ozaki is eager to get smushed, which is weirdly fun to witness now, in the era of Unstoppable Murder Queen Ozaki. She also gets a truly suspenseful nearfall before her inevitable loss.

Devil Masami vs. Cuty Suzuki It's easy to forget Devil was over as hell well after the mid-80s joshi golden age. All 20 of the ppl in this gymnasium named at least one child after her. Head's up: this match was shot with two different cameras AND two different mics. I felt like I was constantly slipping in and out of another dimension. Devil decides to press-slam Cuty on every available surface before clotheslining her neck off. The story of this match seems to be Devil rules the ring and Cuty rules the outside. Kind of a fun storyline, except it's hard to believe Devil doesn't rule literally every inch of this green world. Try to guess who wins!

Highlights of Ozaki & Cuty vs. Kansai & Hikari Features one of the most brutal double-team spots I've ever seen. Based on the limited footage shown, they seem to do a good job continuing the Oz/Kansai feud, but don't do a whole lot with Cuty/Hikari. Maybe there was a single's match somewhere down the road? Seems like it would've been fun.

Dynamite Kansai vs. Mayumi Ozaki 3/4ths of every JWP card between 1991 and 1995 was Kansai vs Ozaki, and the other 1/4th was tag matches with extended Kansai/Ozaki heat segments. Not sure if you knew that. I am excited for nerve-wracking kicks and heads landing in unholy ways. The disassociative editing continues! I feel like I need to double my meds just to get thru this tape. Ozaki senses the only way to control Kansai is to keep her off her big powerful legs. A classic wrestling tactic that only works if the opponent is any fun to watch get stretched. Sorry to say Kansai is almost as bad as Terry Gordy on the mat. Just a big ol turtle. To be fair, Ozaki isn't great in the prone position either. They finally get back to their feet and we get the first of many hellish kicks to the dome from Kansai, followed by a reverse lariat. Kansai proves me wrong by applying the deepest Surfboard in history; I'm talking FULL extension. Glorious. Kansai is sent to the outside and the audience seems spooked. Oz capitalizes by kicking all of Kansai's teeth out one by one, then compressing her neck into sub-atomic particles. Oz sets up a vertical suplex by kneeing Kansai repeatedly in the gut; surprisingly visceral delivery of a pretty boilerplate spot. Kansai, sensing she needs to get some pops of her own, piledrives Oz on the concrete! [key smash word salad] At this point this goes full on AJPW '92, with Kansai as Jumbo Tsuruta and Ozaki as Kawada. Except the right person goes over. Crucifix Powerbomb for the win??? WHY NOT.

Ozaki & Cuty & Plum Mariko & Hikari Fukuoka vs. Kansai & Devil & Sumio Toyoma & Sumiko Saito For those just dying to know, Toyoma (aka Saburo) wound up in GAEA! Now you can sleep tonight knowing you won't need to wake up and frantically Google that. She is pure butch power and sadly didn't have much of a career. The world wasn't ready. If only she'd made it to Jd'; she and Fang Suzuki could've tagged this world into the oblivion it deserves. Not sure how often Kansai vs Devil happened, but whatever the number, it wasn't enough. Head's up: This is clipped! Order disintegrates quickly and now everybody gettin throwed. The tags come fast and furious, the spots hellacious and fun. Imagine a presidential primary, where the OG candidates vie for the nomination while the young off-brand motherfuckers try to get a spot as commissioner of sanitation. Oops! Don't get too invested in that analogy cuz the match is already over!

Maybe the shortest commercial tape I've ever seen.

[keywestlou]

2022 ELECTION GAMES OFF AND RUNNING

2022 ELECTION GAMES OFF AND RUNNING - https://keywestlou.com/2022-election-games-off-and-running/The primaries and certain early elections are behind us. We now know who will be running against whom in the elections themselves. The battle is on! There were also a handful for final type elections themselves yesterday. Democrats seemed to have fared well. Abortion was a deciding influence in certain of them. May the best candidates win. From my perspective, it means the Democrats. Biden will be announcing his decision re student debt forgiveness today. Word is he supports a $10,000 forgiveness for those earning less than $125,000. Schumer has pushed for a $50,000 forgiveness. I have written several times over the years re college debt. It was obvious early on that the program was a failure. More pain than good. The kids were not the winners. Greed was. Everyone but students benefitted. Even the federal government got a piece of the pie. Universities and banks ate big time. The universities raised tuition, room and board, etc. easily and frequently. The bigger the loan, the more the banks made. Everyone benefitted, but the students in the final analysis. Some borrowed into the six figures. Required a lifetime to pay back. They are still paying back. A legalized rip off. Many are quick to blame the students. Not I. They were young and stupid. Unaware of the ways of the world. Borrowing easy. Payback difficult and in many instances impossible. They were hoodwinked by the schools they attended, the banks and the government. Florida's Governor DeSantis is as bad as Trump. Perhaps worse. An example is the Office of Election Crimes and Security he created. DeSantis announced his creation had caught 20 illegal voters. Florida has 11 million voters. A minuscule number apprehended. The "election police" has an operating budget of $24.3 million. Eleven caught. Good job Governor! I knew nothing about turtles till I moved to Key West. Over 30 years, I have learned much. And continue to learn. The most recent information involves turtle gender. The birth of female turtles is outpacing males. The reason involves heat/temperature. Turtle eggs are buried by the mother beneath the sand on beaches, where they eventually hatch. Temperatures, especially summer ones, have been increasing in Florida. Ergo the beaches are warmer. Females are produced at 31 degrees Celsius, males below 28 degrees. We live and learn. Hurricane Andrew hit Florida this day in 1992. Homestead was destroyed. Three weeks after Andrew struck, I was driving to Key West from Miami. The trip took me through Homestead. I had never seen such devastation first hand in my life. As far as the eye could see in every direction, the town was flat. A total wipe out. It was as if an atomic bomb had been dropped. The end of August is approaching. Not even a hint of a  hurricane yet this season. Highly unusual. May it continue to be so. Terri Johnston was elected Mayor of Key West yesterday. Her third consecutive victory. She deserved reelection. Works hard. Generally gets results, though not all the time This morning's Citizens' Voice had an interesting comment. So true: "The city and county commissions kicked the affordable housing can down the road so long that we've already lost an estimated 40 percent of the service workers. Demolish trailer parks there goes another 20 percent. This time next year, visitors will be making their own mojitos and making their own hotel beds." On this day in 79 AD, Mount Vesuvius erupted. Pompeii and Herculaneum buried. Twenty thousand killed. Very little of Pompeii has been uncovered. I was exposed to excavations frequently on my Greece trips. Especially, Athens. Digging everywhere. Homes, rooms, etc. becoming apparent. I recall having lunch in Playka one day. Behind me was an ongoing excavation. Interesting. Whole living areas 20 feet below the surface. I came across an interesting Herman Melville quote in my readings yesterday. Early on, I learned that in order to be a winner you must first be a loser. Applied when I was young and getting into sports. Applied to my very early career as a lawyer. I lost 12 of my first 13 cases. All small. However, important to my client as well as me. I learned well and went on to be a highly successful trial lawyer. Herman Melville wrote, "He who has never failed somewhere, that man cannot be great." Enjoy your day!    

[badculturefilms]

Thank you @buckgooter & @ramp_local_ for the amazing new Head In A Bird Cage vinyl and Terry Turtle “Bird Brain” print! RIP Terry Turtle, and we’re psyched to have Buck Gooter return for @superdarkcollective Monday at @desperateannies on 9/6 with @madeline_darby band & @shipsinthenightmusic ! #buckgooter #headinabirdcage #terryturtle #birdbrain #ramplocal #superdarkcollective #superdarkmondays #desperateannies (at The Bird Cage) https://www.instagram.com/p/CTNrkOhJdZE/?utm_medium=tumblr

[daggerzine]

Just after 7....Andy Giegerich of The Swindon Lot fills in the gaps.

I had met Andy Giegerich nearly 20 years ago after moving to Portland. The guy’s always been a super intelligent music fan with great taste and a very talented musicians as well. His first project that I was aware of was the Honus Huffhines who released a few records for the Braxeling label in Portland. Then, out of nowhere, a month or so ago Giegerich unleashed a solo album to the world under the name The Swindon Lot (The Scariana Trench is the title). I had no idea where the band name came from (he explains it below) but not surprisingly I heard some ultra-fine pop songs mixed in with some oddball, quirky sounds (the Elephant 6 world looms large in the Giegerich household) to create a whimsical world. Give The Scariana Trench a listen (or 3) and you’ll be happily sucked into a world where tubas and cornets are best friends with guitars and drums and everyone is enjoying themselves.

 Before I dive into the solo record,  I have to ask, are the Honus Huffhines still active?

Thanks for asking. The Huffhines remain hiatused (if that’s not a word, it really should be), coming up on seven years. We (Eric O’Connor and Ben Alberts and I), after our drummer Joe left, talked about it and decided we’d be one of those groups that will likely record and play out at some point, but there’s no timetable. In the meantime Eric and Ben play together in both Magnetic Health Factory and Lions of the Interstate, both of which continue to record. And I’m doing this as well as playing in a West Coast Pop Art Experimental Band tribute act that, I really hope, can play out once everyone can, well, play out. We’re called The Poorest of People.

 When/why did the idea come about for doing a solo record?

I recorded and loosely released (digital only) a Swindon Lot EP in the week leading up to the 2017 inauguration, as both a way to escape the horrible realities about to be unleashed on the U.S. As I’d needed an outlet with the Huffhines on hiatus, it made sense to do a full-length. I actually started recording this in 2019, got busy with a new job and a few other here-and-there musical doings. So, yeah, long-ass labor for such a short (it’s only 32-plus minutes) record.

 Where did the name come from, The Swindon Lot?

It’s an homage to my favorite band XTC and what for a while was my favorite TV show (the British Office). In the second season, a branch from Swindon merges with the branch from Slough, and the new workers are referred to the Swindon Lot. I kept waiting for XTC references when I first watched it, to no avail.

 How did the songs come about…had most of them been written for a while or did they come about quickly?

It was a pretty wild mix. “(Oh) Beautiful Mountain” came to me in 2009, while I was hiking in the Steens Mountain area, while Luke Strahota and I sort-of threw together the last track, I guess it’s effectively the title track, while trying to put together a group wave. I’d sent him some files, but didn’t time them right, so they all came up together at the beginning of the track, and we thought it sounded freaky. Come to think of it, I should’ve given him a songwriting credit on it. I’ll get you on the reissues, Luke.

Anyway, some of the other ones, like “Reminded,” “Paper View,” “Tracey’s Child” and even “Teri Waters/Terry Watters” were songs I’d written that the Huffhines could tackle when we returned to the studio.

 …and the recording of it? Was it more one shot or piecemeal?

I wish it were one-shot, because then I’d have a good excuse for how shoddy some of my playing is. But, Dave Berkham, from the Reverberations, mixed a bunch of the songs and did a good job hiding the mistakes (same goes for Kirk Larsen, who mastered it: I wasn’t there while he did it, but I’m guessing he found some workarounds that helped out a ton).

 I definitely see/hear an Elephant 6 influence with the oddball bits here and there (and some of the song titles). Who else influenced the record?

There are four piano-driven songs that I wrote as I increasingly played more piano. Two of them (“Porter, Poster, Potter” and ���Sunblocks”) were inspired by the great songwriter David Ackles while “Unrequiteds” is my attempt at a Wizzard song. I think I came sort of close, at least in spirit. Then, “Don’t Laugh,” which was also one of the last songs written for the project (around the end of 2019) is my go at a Rod Argent piano line. I drew heavily on “If It Don’t Work Out.”

But, yeah, you’re spot on. I’ve always loved the tweener stuff, the fragments, that Oliva Tremor Control used so well, and we tried to replicate that with the Huffhines second record. I got a few in here, and other than placing them a little better, I think they kind-of work.

Andy G. on a tour stop. 

 How do you feel about the final product?

It definitely could’ve have been better. I wish I’d had more confidence to enlist a real drummer to play on more songs: I’m hoping Luke will play on my next effort, a concept album I’ve had ready to go for about a decade now (it’s about the recent history of print journalism in Portland, although the longer I wait, the better chance it’ll become more of an ancient history). Quite often, I would play a part and let it go, rationalizing it as a lo-fi credo sort of thing. Those are the parts that bug me the most. Oh, and I’ve apparently lost the ability to sing. That’s by far the worst part of this effort. I’m pitchy, my dynamics are off and, fuck, I’ve gone in the past two years from nasally to super-nasally. I’m likely going to ask other people to sing my songs from now on. I’ll keep harmonizing, though: It’s way more fun, and I can focus on playing guitar or keyboards more than when I’m singing lead. But, yeah, those singing lead days, at least on all the songs, are over.

That all said, the Scariana songs are pretty good.

 What are some current Portland bands that you like?

Oh man, the latest local act I’ve gotten is called Maita, and they’re, hmmm, kind-of psych-folk but with a tremendous singer who writes incredibly smart lyrics. Eyelids, of course, can do no wrong. The bands within the Nuggets Night community — the Reverberations, the Zags, the Cool Whips, the Pynnacles (RIP, Dave Busacker) — are always must-sees. Alison Dennis’s Dr Something is one of the city’s most entertaining and melodic acts. And, yeah, on our label, Braxeling bands — Josh Mayer just came out with a Fabulous 464s set that’s stellar, Lions of the Interstate, Metropolitan Farms, Magnetic Health Factory, Lodge Club — are brilliant, one and all. We’ve added the Harmony Motel, which is Stan Hall’s solo act, to our stable, and will put that out pretty soon. (Tosses the marketing cap to the side) OK, I’m back.

 Top 10 desert island disc?

Your list and mine has at least one, maybe two, in common! Man, in looking at these, I feel fairly pedestrian…nothing like “Emergency” by the Tony Williams Lifetime (Andy Partridge’s favorite record). Fuck it…In no particular order:

Love, “Forever Changes”

Olivia Tremor Control “Dusk At Cubist Castle”

XTC, “Skylarking”

The Zombies “Odessey and Oracle”

Sly and the Family Stone “Stand”

The Turtles “Battle of the Bands”

John Coltrane “A Love Supreme”

Neutral Milk Hotel box set (that’s cheating, I know, but it has both On Avery Island” and “Aeroplane” in it, and I can’t live without either)

Barbara Manning “One Perfect Green Blanket”

Dave Giegerich “It’s About Time”

 Your all-time 5 favorite record labels?

Spinart, Matador, Merge, Orange Twin, Sundazed

 What’s next…more solo recordings? Another Huffhines record?

Most immediately, I’ll try to line up some willing Portland musicians for this concept record. I’m guessing studio time will be hard to get once herd immunity lands (hopefully, that last sentence will look hopelessly data in the matter of months.) Once Lions and Mag Health empty their new songs into the world, I’d like to get with those Huffhines fellows and co-write songs with them, which we’ve never done (always been the Huffhines primary songwriter…I miss writing with people). Also, I’m going to unleash a Major Healeys (my D.C. band) compilation into the world. I’m lining up ways to transfer the songs to a mastering format as you read this.

 Closing words? Final thoughts?  Words of wisdom?

Nah, platitudes breed attitudes. Hey, those might qualify as words of wisdom! Leaving it there…

 www.theswindonlot.bandcamp.com

www.braxelingrecords1.bandcamp.com

The Braxeling crew.  

[kattra]

What I’m Reading

BOOKS OF NOVEMBER Present Over Perfect: Leaving Behind Frantic for a Simpler, More Soulful Way of Living by Shauna Niequist (NF) Good Omens by Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett* ** The Young Elites by Marie Lu* ** The Bling Ring: How a Gang of Fame-Obsessed Teens Ripped Off Hollywood and Shocked the World by Nancy Jo Sales (NF) The Rose Society by Marie Lu ** The Midnight Star by Marie Lu ** The Witch’s Daughter by Paula Brackston Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein* ** Rose Under Fire by Elizabeth Wein The Wood Wife by Terri Windling Heartless by Marissa Meyer ** Names for the Sea: Strangers in Iceland by Sarah Moss (NF) The Wandering Fire by Guy Gavriel Kay ** Outlander by Diana Gabaldon New American Best Friend by Olivia Gatwood (P) Where’d You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple ** Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke (NF)

Graphic Novels read: Flight Vol.2,3,5-7 edited by Kazu Kibuishi Butterfly — Amel/Bennett/Fuso/Simeone/Guzowski Bitch Planet Vol.1-2 (Extraordinary Machine, President Bitch) — DeConnick/De Landro/Wilson IV/Peter/(Soma/Fitzpatrick)/Cowles

currently reading: Life of Pi by Yann Martel The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate: Discoveries From a Secret World by Peter Wohlleben (NF) A Natural History of Dragons by Marie Brennan Carve the Mark by Veronica Roth

(214 books read / 225 books goal)

* - re-read // ** - 4+ star-rating on my goodreads (recommended) GN - graphic novel // NF - non-fiction SS - short story collection // P - poetry AB - audiobook

TBR: Ringer by Lauren Oliver The God Of Animals by Aryn Kyle Three Day Road by Joseph Boyden The Darkest Road by Guy Gavriel Kay Turtles All the Way Down by John Green The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared by Jonas Jonasson From Here to Eternity: Traveling the World to Find the Good Death by Caitlin Doughty (NF) Don’t Call Us Dead by Danez Smith (P)

WHAT ARE YOU READING? :D

[racingtoaredlight]

The degenerate’s guide to college football TV watch ‘em ups, 2019 season, week 2

Now do you want to read about college football or do you want to listen to your wildest fantasy of Jeffrey Epstein conspiracy theories in a podcast format? If you answered “college football” then click to read more! If you want to listen to an incredible podcast that will feed your absolute worst inclinations towards nihilistic disillusionment then click right here! True Anon is really all I’ve ever wanted in a left-leaning shitfest. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Now for the football. Hell, the CIA is behind this shit, too. The highlight of the week for me is the line on the Bammers game. No way Saban holds up his end of that bargain. Why the fucking hell is there even a line on that shit?

If you’ve read this nonsense before you know the drill. If not, the times are eastern, the schedule is ripped from FBSchedules and the gambling informatics are per Vegas Insider dot com. Degenerate football can alternately mean football that you only pay attention to for purposes of gambling or the low-level, barely FBS, preferably late night types of games that play for stadium crowds in the hundreds and TV audiences in the dozens. It doesn’t have to be college ball, the UFL is my true ideal of football degeneracy. If you gambled on that you are my target audience. Onward and downward we go.

Saturday, September 7

Matchup                                                                   Time (ET)        TV/Mobile

Ohio at Pitt                                                                11:00am            ACCN

Wow. What a special game. It’s got a one hour headstart and for what? Goddamn is this trash. Why is ACCN not just an extra ESPN channel? SECN and Longhorn Network are just parts of the ESPN app but ACCNe is just off by itself inaccessible to 90% of the country.

Southern at Memphis                                              12:00pm  WMC-TV / ESPN3

There’s no line on this game so just check on it to see what’s going on with Memphis. They beat their secret rival The Racist South last week but scoring less than 20 is weird for them.

Rutgers at 20 Iowa                                                    12:00pm              FS1

This being a conference game is funny. Maryland and Rutgers being in the B1G is funny. And stupid. Mostly stupid. But that’s why it’s funny. Take Iowa even at -19 because it’s Rutgers.

West Virginia at Missouri                                          12:00pm           ESPN2

Speaking of dumb conference stuff, both of these teams belong in the Big 12. That’s the true spirit of college football and it’s completely akilter. Is Mizzourah the good offense out of these two now? Everything is wrong. I wouldn’t touch a 14-point line in either direction here but over 62.5 seems worthwhile.

Vanderbilt at Purdue                                                   12:00pm            BTN

These are the same team but one has Rondale Moore. Otherwise there is no difference.

UAB at Akron                                                               12:00pm          CBSSN

I don’t like the beloved CBS Sports hosting a MAC team even if they are hosting UAB. Why did the o/u drop from 55 to 46 over the course of the week? That’s odd. I’d have to check with our dear president but I don’t think Ohio is in the path of any hurricanes.

21 Syracuse at Maryland                                             12:00pm          ESPN

From the bottom of my Georgetown-born, VA-burbs raised heart I hate everything about this game. I would love to see Syracuse lose even if it means Maryland winning. The odds have flipped crazily from opening Syracuse -5 to now having Maryland -1.5. Take the turtles.

Army at 7 Michigan                                                      12:00pm           FOX

I saw ESPN talking up Army last night so go all in on Michigan to beat the ever-living piss out of the troops. -22.5 is nothing.

Bowling Green at Kansas State                                 12:00pm            FSN

Good lord, no.

Charleston Sou. at South Carolina                            12:00pm          SECN

This is cancelled, right? If not pound the under.

Cincinnati at 5 Ohio State                                           12:00pm           ABC

Cincinnati sucks but count on Fickell to make an Ohio State University look bad one more time. Bearcats +16, book it.

Kennesaw State at Kent State                                     12:00pm        ESPN3

I think Kennesaw is the Welsh version of the British Kent. I could be wrong about that but who cares?

Old Dominion at Virginia Tech                                     12:00pm        ESPNU

VPISU should be better by now. I’m wrong a lot but it’s possible I was really wrong about Justin Fuente. Betting on ODU sounds like a bad idea but I fully endorse it.

Western Carolina at NC State                                       12:30pm          RSN

There is no reason to bet on a game like this. This is practice.

NIU at 13 Utah                                                                 1:00pm         Pac-12N

I could be wrong but off the top of my head I don’t think Utah usually covers in the first four weeks of the season. This is a guess you can use in your gambling.

Fordham at Ball State                                                     2:00pm         ESPN3

Blocks of Granite for the win. Book it.

USF at Georgia Tech                                                       2:00pm          ACCN

By my count Georgia Tech covered last week against Clemson. USF just hung out in a trash can for 60 minutes. Yet the Bulls are favored here. Charlie Strong was once a hot commodity that programs all over the country coveted. Hindsight is absolutely hilarious.

Tennessee Tech at Miami (Ohio)                                    2:30pm          ESPN+

There’s no line but I’m loading up the wagon for the Golden Eagles. This is the big auto mechanics school, right?

Southern Illinois at UMass                               3:30pm     FloSports / NESNplus

I, uh, guess, uh... Don’t watch this under any circumstances. Pack a cyanide pill if you must.

Southern Miss at Mississippi State                                3:30pm         ESPNU

This is an appealing bit of misery but there’s no chance I watch it. Miss State -16.5 seems crazy against anybody. I think.

12 Texas A&M at 1 Clemson                                             3:30pm          ABC

This is statistically expected to be Clemson’s toughest game and they’re still favored by 16.5. The money looks to be going towards aTm but I can’t shake the notion that Clemson is going to absolutely maul them from the get go.

Central Michigan at 17 Wisconsin                                    3:30pm         BTN

I don’t trust Nick Saban to do what’s right by gambling folk but Wisconsin is different. If they don’t humiliate undermanned opponents that means they are a bad team. -35 is the kind of line you see when the Badgers go for 80+.

Charlotte at Appalachian State                                          3:30pm       ESPN+

You’re on your own with this one.

Eastern Illinois at Indiana                                                   3:30pm        BTN

See: Charlotte at Appalachian State.

Grambling State at Louisiana Tech                                    3:30pm      NFLN

Is there a way to make a throwback game between Doug Williams and Terry Bradshaw take place here?

Illinois at UConn                                                                   3:30pm    CBSSN

Oh, come the fuck on.

25 Nebraska at Colorado                                                      3:30pm     FOX

The two Big 8 programs that benefited most from 5th downs are facing off on national TV representing the B1G and Pac-12. That’s horrible. Nebraska being a top 25 team but also being favored by only -4 against this version of Colorado is what is known as a paradox.

Richmond at Boston College                                             3:30pm  ACCNE xtra

No line. What cowardice.

Murray State at 3 Georgia                                                    4:00pm    ESPN2

Pound the under.

UTSA at Baylor                                                                     4:00pm       FSN

Go UTSA. We’re all rooting for you.

Western Illinois at Colorado State                                      4:00pm     ATTSN

Man, this is all trash. Not even the good kind.

New Mexico State at 2 Alabama                                          4:00pm      SECN

The predicted score by way of gambling is Bama 60, NMSU 5. Saban is pulling his starters in the second quarter, though, so put a buck or two on New Mexico State just for the hell of it.

San Diego State at UCLA                                                     4:15pm   Pac-12N

This is Pac-12 After Dark/CBS Sports fodder playing in the sunlight. Both teams might explode, literally.

Northern Colorado at 22 Washington State                       5:00pm  Pac-12WA

Pac-12 Washington? That’s a channel? Washington State lookd good in week 1 so hit the over (63) and see what happens.

ULM at Florida State                                                             5:00pm      ACCN

Oh, Willie. Poor, poor Willie. Why, Willie, why? Monroe +22 looks pretty good to me.

Gardner-Webb at East Carolina                                           6:00pm     ESPN3

Yeah, buddy, now we’re into it. If this game happens. I think it’s not happening. But if it does? Man, oh, man. You know what I mean.

Maine at Georgia Southern                                                  6:00pm     ESPN+

Why would you think Eagles could beat Black Bears? That’s crazy.

North Carolina A&T at Duke                                            6:00pm   ACCNE xtra

Let’s go A&T, beat the devil.

South Dakota at 4 Oklahoma                                               7:00pm   FS PPV

What lunatics are paying for this? You should feel ashamed.

Jackson State at South Alabama                                         7:00pm   ESPN+

Lots of bodybag games, even at the lower levels. I hate it.

Wyoming at Texas State                                                        7:00pm   ESPN+

Kind of beautiful but you’ll probably have to squint to see it.

WKU at FIU                                                                             7:00pm    ESPN+

Get your shit together, Butch. Now. Stop embarrassing me.

18 UCF at Florida Atlantic                                                     7:00pm   CBSSN

Oh, now this - THIS! is what CBS Sports is great for. What a shitty game that I love like a long lost child.

Tennessee State at Middle Tennessee                                7:00pm   ESPN3

Too Tall U vs. MTSU is cool in a way but it won’t be a fun thing to watch.

North Texas at SMU                                                               7:00pm   ESPN3

Spencer is visiting ms621 and my people are expecting a lot of scoring in this one with the lawyers coming out on top. /suggestive eyebrow raises

McNeese at Oklahoma State                                                 7:00pm   ESPN+

Chuba Hubbard should get about 8 touches so watch early if you’re watching at all.

 Furman at Georgia State                                                        7:00pm   ESPN3

Man, this is a long list of boring crap.

Eastern Kentucky at Louisville                                          7:00pm  ACCNE xtra

Other than the 24 fumbles I thought Louisville looked pretty good last week. Not enough to tune in for a minute of this but maybe they can fine tune some of the difficult football activities like “snapping the football” and “holding the football close to your body” or “handing the ball to the running back” against Eastern Kentucky and then when they pop up against Clemson later on it’ll be worth watching.

Coastal Carolina at Kansas                                                   7:00pm   ESPN+

Les Magic: Kansas is favored to start the year 2-0. Not by a lot, mind you.

BYU at Tennessee                                                                   7:00pm   ESPN

Nobody tell Bergie but I’m rooting for the Mormons here. Gotta go for what makes the most people feel the worst about sports.

Tulane at 10 Auburn                                                                7:30pm   ESPN2

Is Auburn rising in the polls enough to make me bet against them at home -17 vs. Tulane? It sure is. Auburn is just as chaotic as LSU but not as funny about it.

UT Martin at 11 Florida                                                          7:30pm  ESPNU

Fuck the Gators, man.

Western Michigan at 19 Michigan State                              7:30pm     BTN

Sparty, too.

Arkansas at Mississippi, Oxford                                         7:30pm   SECN

I am on a descent into hell here.

Buffalo at 15 Penn State                                                       7:30pm     FOX

If Notre Dame is next I’m hanging up on this post.

Eastern Michigan at Kentucky                                             7:30pm   SECN Alt.

Whew. Hill people that can only intermittently football. That is a huge relief right now.

Liberty at Louisiana                                                              7:30pm     ESPN+

Fuck the Falwells, and not in a good way.

6 LSU at 9 Texas                                                                    7:30pm      ABC

There is one ironclad rule in college football gambling: never bet on an LSU game. Those who fail to heed this rule will never see longterm winnings. Oddsmakers keep pushing the line towards LSU and I agree wholeheartedly that’s where the expectations should reside but would you be even sort of surprised to see LSU blow this entirely and lose? No, you would not. Neither would I.

Nevada at 16 Oregon                                                           7:30pm     Pac-12N

Oregon is favored by 24 and my very cursory impression of these two is that Nevada is a straight up better team than the Ducks. Granted, I’m really bad at this, but that +24 looks like easy money.

Stony Brook at Utah State                                                   7:30pm   Facebook

Not even a great QB talent is worth going on facebook.

Miami (FL) at North Carolina                                               8:00pm     ACCN

Pound the damn under. Also, ESPN talking heads are all on the UNC to upset train so put whatever money you have set aside for this contest on the Hurricanes. 

Prairie View A&M at Houston                                              8:00pm     ESPN3

That one good recruiting class is mostly a memory for Houston at this point but they’ll still be fun to watch once D’Eriq King and Dana Holgorsen get on the same page.

UTEP at Texas Tech                                                              8:00pm       FSN

Wasn’t Texas Tech supposed to run the ball more this year? One week in they’re leading the country in passing. Maybe they ran the ball more and it still wasn’t very much.

Tulsa at San Jose State                                                      9:00pm      ESPN3

This is the kind of game that should be played in a prison yard.

Arkansas State at UNLV                                                      10:00pm  Facebook

This is the kind of game that shouldn’t be played.

California at 14 Washington                                               10:30pm      FS1

I do believe I’m the span of this game away from getting fully on board with UDub rolling the Pac-12 again. The only team with similar talent, as far as I have seen, is USC. But there are a long list of other issues with USC.

Minnesota at Fresno State                                                  10:30pm  CBSSN

This is the kind of stupid game I love but I think I’ll be watching Pennywise the Dancing Clown at this point.

23 Stanford at USC                                                               10:30pm    ESPN

USC should just fire Clay Helton now, win or lose.

Northern Arizona at Arizona                                                10:45pm   Pac-12N

It would be very Pac-12 of Arizona to lose this game.

Oregon State at Hawaii                                   11:59pm     Spectrum / Facebook

I guess facebook is there to scoop from the most bootlegged team in college football’s illegal audience but I still hate it. Hawaii playing at home two weeks in a row means pound the over even at 77.5. It’s not like Oregon State plays defense, either.

[thejazzywaffles]

Marc Laidlaw claims any story can be improved by making the second sentence “And then the murders began.” Let’s test that theory with random books I have lying around the apartment.

1. Magyk, by Angie Sage

“Silas Heap pulled his cloak tightly around him against the snow. And then the murders began.”

2. Daring Do and the Marked Thief of Marapore, by A.K. Yearling (with G.M. Berrow)

“The colossal silver Unicorn glanced back at his mud-smeared flank and cringed. And then the murders began.”

3. A Spell For Chameleon, the First Xanth Novel, by Piers Anthony

“A small lizard perched on a brown stone. And then the murders began.”

4. Paper Towns, by John Green

(not counting the prologue)

“The longest day of my life began tardily. And then the murders began.”

5. The Chronicles of Prydain - Book 1: The Book of Three, by Lloyd Alexander

“Taran wanted to make a sword; but Coll, charged with the practical side of his education, decided on horseshoes. And then the murders began.”

6. The Magician’s Nephew, by C.S. Lewis

“This is a story about something that happened long ago when your grandfather was a child. And then the murders began.”

(doesn’t work too well here)

7. The Silmarillion, by J.R.R. Tolkien

“There was Eru, the One, who in Arda is called Iluvatar; and he made first the Ainur, the Holy Ones, that were the offspring of his thought, and they were with him before aught else was made. And then the murders began.”

8. The Hobbit, by J.R.R. Tolkien

“In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. And then the murders began.”

9. The Lord of the Rings, by J.R.R. Tolkien

 “When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his eleventy-first birthday with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton. And then the murders began.”

10. The Tanakh/Holy Bible, by Multiple Authors

“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. And then the murders began.”

11. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, by J.K. Rowling

“Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. And then the murders began.”

12. Standard Hero Behavior, by John David Anderson

“On the corner of Oak and Smelter sits a box made of wood warped by sun and bowed by rain, and on a splintered post just in front of this shack sits a sign. And then the murders began.”

(Almost works?)

13. The Call of Cthulhu, by H.P. Lovecraft

“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all of its contents. And then the murders began.”

(Doesn’t work)

14. A Game of Thrones, by George R.R. Martin

“‘We should start back,’ Gared urged as the woods began to grow dark around them. And then the murders began.”

(this is hilarious because this is exactly what happens in AGoT)

15. Dealing with Dragons, by Patricia C. Wrede

“Linderwall was a huge kingdom, just east of the Mountains of Morning, where philosophers were highly respected and the number five was fashionable. And then the murders began.”

16. Inkheart, by Cornelia Funke

“Rain fell that night, a fine, whispering rain. And then the murders began.”

17. The Lightning Thief, by Rick Riordan

“Look, I didn’t want to be a half-blood. And then the murders began.”

(this technique tends to not work on first-person books, I’m noticing)

18. The House of the Scorpion, by Nancy Farmer

“In the beginning there were thirty-six of them, thirty-six droplets of life so tiny that Eduardo could see them only under a microscope. And then the murders began.”

19. The Colour of Magic, by Sir Terry Pratchett (RIP buddy)

“In a distant and second-hand set of dimensions, in an astral plane that was never meant to fly, the curling star-mists waver and part... See... Great A’Tuin the turtle comes, swimming slowly through the interstellar gulf, hydrogen frost on its ponderous limbs, his huge and ancient shell pocked with meteor craters. And then the murders began.”

(doesn’t work well at all, but more people need to read Terry Pratchett’s books, they’re wonderful)

20. The Bad Beginning, by Lemony Snicket (with Daniel Handler)

“If you are interested in stories with happy endings, you would be better off reading some other book. And then the murders began.”

(doesn’t work here, noticing that it also doesn’t work if the narrator monologues before the story starts)

21. “Who Could That Be at This Hour?”, by Lemony Snicket (with Daniel Handler)

“There was a town, and there was a girl, and there was a theft. And then the murders began.”

22. Gulliver’s Travels, by Johnathan Swift

“My Father had a small Estate in Nottinghamshire; I was the Third of Five Sons. And then the murders began.”

23. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams

“Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. And then the murders began.”

(doesn’t quite work, again due to narrator monologue)

CONCLUSION

It sort of works much of the time in third-person works that jump right into the story, but tends to not work on first-person books and books that start with a narrator’s monologue.

[gimmetinnitus]

stream these :: Buck Gooter & A Place To Bury Strangers + Deeper + youbet + Antibalas + Psypiritual & The Lasso + Peace Talks + Sabré + Sparkling Wide Pressure + dadamah + Black Midi + They Hate Change + OXZ – GIMME TINNITUS - https://gtgtgt.com/31FnnV0