#technically even my basic knowledge is already more than psych people manage

[blood-orange-juice]

The joys of being the only mathematically inclined person in a team of psychologists/neuroscientists: everyone hopes to dump signal processing on you.

(all neuroscience is essentially signal processing)

Look, I switched to psychology *specifically* to avoid signal processing.

I'll do statistics for you. Let me do statistics for you.

[mogsk]

While it’s useful as a repository of, like, clusters of related information which you can then use to find better, proper sources of information on its composite parts, Wikipedia is actually a really harmful thing, and if it didn’t make it’s funding goals and vanished over night I’d be psyched tbh

Like, the notion of wikipedia’s ability to democratize information as being some noble mission only holds under a profoundly liberal lens, but putting forward a singular ‘objective’ narrative is a demonstration of power, and like all others, power flows from one eddy to the next.

Having one page of information on a topic means that the “truth” it produces exists only at the moment it is accessed by the person accessing it, meaning that as this allegedly democratic approach to knowledge construction is doing its thing, it is necessarily generating falsehoods which are then being accepted as being ‘as-good-as’ truth bc since, if we assume wikipedia’s underlying concept works, it is safe to say that what we are seeing is the end product of it, an absolute truth refined by the input and discourse of knowledgeable individuals.

But that’s just under ideal conditions that assume everything eventually reaches the intended result of some sort of “final” truth! What it doesn’t even begin to account for is things like bias, intentional misinformation, lies of omission, and the ultimate epistemological quandary of whether anything could be said to be “true” at all!

You can have pages about major public figures scrubbed of all their misdeeds because they are, technically, true, and you can argue against the relevance or source validity of damning claims in the edits section and since powerful sources tend to not tell the truth about powerful people, you’ll have the upper hand if you do. 

You can have pages of outright fluffery and falsehood so long as there aren’t enough people interested enough in the topic to contradict you. I once first stumbled upon this getting into a shadowy edit war with a mysterious stranger on the wikipedia page for the CEO of Whole Foods which read like he’d written it himself, and I often wonder whether he had -- my ex’s dad had a wikipedia page he paid a socmed manager to write and maintain!

Like, again, a place that very succinctly provides basic information is valuable,  especially if its treated as a guide to doing more thorough and dedicated research into a topic, but while the idea that this is somehow some great blow against tyranny and censorship is a noble one, the fact of the matter is that it just becomes another tool of power, far more effective in the hands already able to wield it, and little more than a danger in the hands of those that don’t, but otherwise ultimately not super great!

[overdrivels]

@romancedeldiablo just reminded me the entire cybersecurity/information security industry is having the greatest field days ever since this whole Covid-19 triggered a mass work from home exodus.

I have so much to say about it and all the security issues that are occurring. This mostly pertains to the US. This isn’t meant to scare anyone, they’re just food for thought and a bit of explanation about my industry.

PSA: Not all hackers are bad, just a reminder. There are very legitimate reasons for hacking such as compliance and research. When I talk about hackers here, I’m talking about the bad ones who are exploiting without permission and for malicious reasons.

The main thing about this whole working from home thing is that most organizations don’t have the infrastructure to support their entire workforce. Not every company uses Google Drive or OneDrive or DropBox.

This means that companies with on-premise servers, isolated servers or networks are screwed. Imagine trying to connect to your friend’s computer who lives on the other side of the world and controlling their mouse. Can’t do it. Gotta download something on both ends to do it. Now imagine that for 500 people at home who are trying to connect to a single server. You’d need to open that server/network up to the internet. That has its own risks because without controlling WHO can access the server, you’re basically allowing anyone (hackers especially) to go in and take all your data.

But then you ask, “Isn’t that what passwords are for?” BITCH look at your own passwords. Do you really think 500 people will have passwords strong enough to withstand a rainbow table attack or that the server won’t shit itself when receiving 500 connections from unknown locations by means of a not-often used method? Hackers only need to exploit one password (for the most part) while the company needs to ensure ALL 500 are protected. That’s difficult as all hell and if it were that easy, I wouldn’t have a job.

Then there’s shit like Virtual Private Networks (VPNs) and RADIUS servers that’ll secure the network connection so it can’t be hijacked and do authentication respectively. Here’s the problem. VPN solutions need to be downloaded on the client system (your computer). When your organization has very technically illiterate people, that becomes a nightmare. ‘Cause you have to set up their accounts on the VPN system and set the permissions for each of them so they can only access what they’re allowed to access otherwise Bob from sales now has access to the HR system with everyone’s social security numbers. It’s very time consuming and can get very complicated. Even worse is that VPNs often require licenses. When you only have 50 licenses and suddenly 500 people want access, you’re screwed. But you can always purchase more licenses, no problem. Here’s the rub. Suddenly, this VPN tunnel needs to accept connections from 500 people. This tunnel is only strong enough to accept 50 concurrent sessions. When 10x that amount get on, guess what? The tunnel shits itself and basically the company has DoS’d itself. Now no one can get any work done until IT figures out how to get 500 people on a system that’s only capable of supporting 50.

Fuck, almost forgot about RADIUS. There’s DIAMETER, too, but shut up about it. It’s an authentication system but depending on how it’s set up, you’ll have to also set up the users. That’s an extra step and it’s a pain in the ass if RADIUS somehow isn’t connected to AD and the user has different passwords and shit.

Not to mention hackers suddenly gaining access to all this information because they’ve already infected people’s home computers and routers prior to the work from home stuff. There’s very limited way for IT to control what happens on a personal computer, so these personal computers can have no anti-virus or security software. This means all data is in danger because someone decided Windows Defender is annoying. (Windows Defender is pretty great, btw.)

Physical robberies are occurring a little more because there’s no one to protect the stores and such. Physical security is taking a hell of a beating.

There’s been an increase in phishing scams around COVID-19. Unemployment sites are probably being (and probably already have been) hacked and the data is being stolen. I think there were some people who were creating fake unemployment sites to steal PII. There are e-mails going out to people saying stuff like, “Your computer has been infected with the CORONAVIRUS. Click here to clean it up.” And you’re wondering, “What sort of morons…?” Don’t. It’s very easy to give in to your panic. Hackers don’t hack computers solely. They hack into human emotion, into the psyche. Anyone can fall for their shit.

The thing with Zoom? Basically they’re so insecure, people are hacking them without issue. How? Because people are silly and put out links, chat logs are saved onto insecure machines that have already been hacked, there are a bunch of exploits available for Zoom, etc.

Healthcare organizations. Oh boy. So, we all know healthcare organizations are working their damnedest to save people suffering from COVID-19. Every second counts and any delay in that process could mean life or death. They work hard. Here’s the thing. There has always been a delicate balance between security and usability. Too secure and it’ll make it difficult for the end user to do their job. Usable without security just makes it easier for an attacker to do their job. Why am I talking about this?

Healthcare organizations usually hold sensitive information. Health information. Social security numbers. Birth dates. Addresses. Insurance information. Family member information. So much stuff. They are a beautiful target for hackers because all that shit is right there and it’s accessible. Healthcare organizations, by and large, do not put a lot of emphasis on security. That’s changing a bit, but for the most part, the don’t care about security. They do the bare minimum because guess what? Every additional control can add time to a doctor or healthcare worker’s routine. Computer lockscreen every 5 minutes? Now the doctor has to re-logon every 5 minutes. This adds about 15 seconds to their rountine. Multiply that several times over for every patient that comes in assuming a doctor will need to log in at least 3 times during a single visit. That can clock in at at least an hour throughout the day. A hour that they could’ve spent doing something else. So imagine more controls. Password needs to be reset. Need to badge in. Log into this extra program to access this file. Call IT because this thing locked them out. Each one of these normal controls now feel insanely restrictive. The ease of use isn’t there and so organizations might look at reversing these security controls, potentially making things even less secure than before in the name of efficiency.

Don’t @ me about HIPAA. I will start rants about how non-prescriptive and ineffective it is to actually get proper security implemented.

LOL @ internet service providers. Internet speeds are dropping due to the amount of traffic they’re getting. Commercial internet really wasn’t prepared for this. Those poor bastards.

Some organizations outsource their IT teams. Those people (Managed Service Providers aka MSPs) are not prepared for this nonsense. It’s popular now to go after these guys for hacking. An MSP usually works for multiple organizations. So, why try going after 50 organizations individually when you have just one organization with poor security controls managing everything from one place? You’d logically go after the one rather than 50. It’s easier.

MSPs are now overworked because they also have to work from home to connect to systems that can’t support so many people connecting to it on personal computers that the MSP can’t log into like they normally would to fix any issues. This makes them tired. What happens when you’re tired? You make more mistakes. And that’s exactly what hackers go after. Once they’re in the MSP’s system, the hacker can now potentially gain access to the 50 clients’ systems. Easy win.

Shadow IT and alternate solutions. This is another doozy. Imagine all your files and shit are on your company’s network. No one is able to access it because there isn’t any VPN or remote sharing system or FTP server set up for this stuff, but you still need to do your job. So, what do you do? Obviously, you start making stuff on your own computer using whatever you’re comfortable with. Google Drive. Dropbox. Box. Slack. That shitty PDF reader you downloaded three years ago and didn’t update.

Now imagine sharing it through things like your personal e-mail which may or may not have been hacked without your knowledge. Or maybe the recipient’s been hacked without anyone’s knowledge. Maybe your files are normally encrypted if they’re on the company network. Now you’re off of it and nothing’s encrypted. Maybe you forget it delete a file or 80 off of your system which has been infected. Or maybe you pasted shit on pastebin or github and it’s available to the public because that’s just easier. Now anyone searching can find it. This is how database dumps are found sometimes and they’re really entertaining.

Shadow IT putting in alternate solutions without the company’s knowledge is always a fucking nightmare. I get that people need to do their jobs and want to do things a certain way, but can you not be selfish and put everyone at risk because you decided your way or the high way?

That sounds awfully familiar…it feels like a situation that we’re going through right now…hey, wait a minute…

Long story short, this whole working from home thing opens up a lot of security issues. Most companies are ill-equipped to handle IT issues, let alone cybersecurity/information security/IT security issues, but because of that, we’re seeing a lot of interesting things happening. Such as finding out New Jersey’s unemployment system runs on a 60+ year old programming language.

Holy shit I can talk about this all day. I’ve definitely glossed over a lot of stuff and oversimplified it. If anyone wants me to talk about any specific topic related to this or cybersecurity or information security in general, drop an ask. I’m always, always more than happy to talk about it.

[lexi-the-twilight-dragon]

RED VS BLUE: The Ghost Trick AU

His consciousness slowly slips back, but he’s wide awake when he hears a gun cock. In front of him is two men, one in a coat pressed up against the wire fence with his hands up, the other in a suit pointing a shotgun at him.

“So long, kid.”

He tries to stand. He tries to raise his hand. He tries to say something. The guy in the coat is going to die, dammit!

But he can’t move an inch. And they can’t hear him.

Because he’s already dead.

So yeah, the Ghost Trick AU, everyone! I’ve tried to avoid massive Ghost Trick spoilers for those who haven’t played it yet (if you haven’t, go do so, it’s my favourite game for a reason) but in any case, enjoy the casting!

In order of appearance:

Church (Sissel): He’d give you his backstory if he knew what it was. As it currently stands, all he knows is that he’s a recently deceased individual who has a decently good taste in suits and a decently good sense of humor. Okay, maybe that sense of humor is mostly snark, but hey, give him some credit, he’s dead for fuck’s sake. And apparently, being dead comes with the added bonus of “Ghost Tricks”, the power to interact with the living through inanimate objects, travel through telephone lines, and by connecting with the souls of other recently deceased individuals, rewind the last four minutes of their life to avoid their untimely demise. He’s not doing it out of some kind of altruism. He’s just got twelve hours before his soul traverses to the next dimension, and he’d kinda like some help remembering who he is before that happens. That’s all. ‘S only fair.

Detective Dexter Grif (Lynne): Recently promoted to the Detective Division of New Armonia PD, Grif’s something of a loose cannon, and tends to put what he thinks is right before police bureaucracy, which often gets him in trouble. He’s recently gone off the grid again to re-investigate a cold case in which his superior got convicted of murder, which has led to him meeting with Church for information. Which led to him getting shot. Which led to Church saving his life. Which led to him getting arrested for Church’s murder. But as if he’s gonna let a simple arrest get in his way. He’s got a mission to follow. And if he can get food on the way, that’ll be awesome. (Also, don’t call his coat yellow. It’s fucking orange.)

Felix (Nearsighted Jeego): An assassin tasked in ending the life of anyone who knows about “Shisno”. Grif hasn’t the faintest idea what that is, but apparently he’s on that hit list anyway. However, Felix’s overconfidence proves to be a weakness Church is only happy to exploit.

Ray: A deceased soul possessing a desk lamp, Ray is Church’s “Ghost Trick” mentor. Despite ghosts communicating through telepathy, Ray manages to keep most of his thoughts, knowledge, motive and real name included, secret from Church. He requested Church’s help solving the mysterious goings on in New Armonia in return, but frankly, Church only has twelve hours here. He’s got his own mystery to solve, thank you very much.

Chairman Malcolm Hargrove (Commander Sith): The head of Charon Industries, the technological megacorporation of a foreign nation intent on unimaginable power and possibly global domination. Though their technology is far more advanced than any other nation’s, said technology is… “off”, to say the least. And should anyone get in Hargrove’s way, he has his own “security force” to call on. 

Counselor Aidan Price (Masked Lieutenant): Hargrove’s immediate subordinate, in charge of carrying out his immediate orders and organizing the orders to others. Never breaks his impassive expression, which can even creep Hargrove out sometimes.

Locus (One Step Ahead Tengo): Another assassin under Hargrove’s employ, much more calm and collected than his rival Felix. He prefers to get ahead of his “prey” and lie in wait in the shadows, rather than tail them and face them directly.

Freckles (Missile): A small fluffy “freckled” dog, technically belonging to “Master Grif”, but much more attached to his roommate, “Master Caboose”. He would do absolutely anything for his masters, and not even an inconvenient death will stand in his way. He’ll make instant friends with just about anybody, so long as they don’t mind a bit (a lot) of barking.

Michael Caboose (Kamila): A ten-year-old kid who’s been in the foster care system since he was very young. He’s lived with Grif and Freckles for about five years, after an unfortunate incident with his previous foster family. He may or may not have witnessed said incident, but always seems to be cheerful nevertheless. He’s not the smartest in school, but he’s pretty good at making convoluted contraptions out of random objects, not always with the permission of his guardian. 

Doctor Emily Grey (Superintendent): A former medical examiner of New Armonia PD, now in charge of maintaining and supervising the Zone D junkyard, where Church was murdered. She apparently lives in her office with her pet pigeon Carmen, and spends her free time conducting strange experiments and research in her basement.

Lord Donald Doyle (Justice Minister): The minister of justice in charge of administering the sentences of condemned criminals. It’s a complicated and stressful job, and as such has taken its toll on his health and his relationship with his family. A recent squabble with his wife has resulted in her walking out with their son in tow, which has only worsened his psyche.

Detective Vera Ohio (Detective Blue): A detective at Grif’s precinct, who, well, can get a little too enthusiastic sometimes, especially if she has a chance to prove herself to a superior officer. This enthusiasm doesn’t always equal results, however, so she’s stuck at her current ranking. She’s a little jealous of Grif for making Detective so quickly by comparison.

Detective Ezra Idaho (Detective McCaw): Ohio’s investigative partner, who’s more than used to her antics and usually tries to be her voice of reason, with little success. He’s a little concerned with Ohio trying too hard to impress their superiors, and the ridiculous example set by their inspector.

Doctor Lucy Connecticut (Medical Officer): The medical examiner in Church’s murder case, though no one’s ever seen her on a case before. But, she has her credentials, and she gets the job done, so no questions need to be asked. Right?

Inspector Maddison Carolina (Inspector Cabanela): The head of the Special Investigation Unit, and basically the whole police force second only to the Chief. Though her track record, like her coat, is spotlessly flawless, her manner is jarringly blasé; don’t for a second let this fool you though, she did not get to her position by fuffing around, and heaven have mercy on you if she catches you doing so yourself. Most of the other detectives are wary of her as a result, but she’s surprisingly close to and protective of the newest one, Dexter “Dex” Grif.

Detective Frank DuFresne (Detective Rindge): Oh, did you forget about the other detective at the precinct? You wouldn’t be the first. Whether it be the way he tries not to be in the way, or the way his face disappears under his hat, DuFresne always manages to find a way to be invisible. This isn’t always a hindrance however; as such he’s often assigned to reconnaissance or covert information gathering, a job he excels at. He also excels at it where he’s not meant to, so if anyone knows the low-down on the precinct’s gossip, it’s him.

Officer Dick Simmons (Typical Cop 1): A cop from Grif’s old beat, Simmons would have been promoted to Detective too… if he wasn’t such a nervous wreck in the presence of a superior, which at his rank is always. He tries his best, he really does, but he always seems to stumble over himself at the last minute, and the detectives he works under don’t help either, admonishing him for the slightest mistake and taking the credit when he actually accomplishes something. He also has a massive crush on Grif, which can hinder his mental processing even more. Grif is completely in denial about it, even when others point it out.

Sarge (Chicken Chef): Proprietor, manager and head chef of The Red Base Chicken Kitchen, home of smoky fried chicken, questionable budgeting decisions, and many a husky Southern ballad, all courtesy of the man himself. All of the above factors are an acquired taste, but that doesn’t bother him. As far as he’s concerned, he’s living the dream.

Officer Ben Matthews (Officer Bailey): One of six guards patrolling Stella Nova Penitentiary, Matthews is a stickler for the rules 99% of the time, but in spite of himself, there are two people he can never say no to; one is Grif, and the other is his fellow officer Bitters. The stress of trying to keep the latter in line causes him a lot of pent up energy that… occasionally has to be let out. In hilarious fashion. Bitters has videos.

Officer Antoine Bitters (Other Officer): Once upon a time, Bitters was a hopeful, enthusiastic young police cadet raring to take on the bad guys and protect the streets of New Armonia. But now he’s stuck on guard duty in the most uneventful prison ever, and his attitude is beginning to match his name. With not much “guarding” necessary, he spends most of his time creating his own entertainment, often at Matthews’ expense.

Officer John Andersmith (Prison Guard 1): Like Matthews, Andersmith is a stickler for the rules, but he’s immune to Bitters’ mind tricks, and everyone’s learned to keep the two apart if they’d like to finish the day without a headache. Even if he wasn’t such a stickler, the prisoners aren’t likely to try and bully him; he’s six foot, jacked and pretty good with a firearm. 

Mina South (Spiky): Lead guitarist and singer of rock band The Dakotas, South’s music career hit a screeching halt when she was arrested for leaking government secrets during a concert being aired live around the nation. She’s the most abrasive of the inmates of Stella Nova, but her attitude wins her nothing, especially from Andersmith.

Peter Maine (Sausage Head): A man of few words, Maine’s actions speak for him; he’s in Stella Nova for breaking in to the New Armonia Metro PD and holding the Chief Commissioner at flamethrower-point. Though he may seem intimidating, in reality he’s easily pushed around, particularly by fellow inmate South.

Detective David Washington (Detective Jowd): The third and quietest of Stella Nova’s inmates, Washington used to be New Armonia’s, and perhaps even all of Chorus’, best detective, Carolina’s best friend, and Grif’s mentor, until he was convicted for the murder of his partner Tucker. Though Grif maintains his innocence, he himself has accepted his guilt and his sentence. His detective skills haven’t blunted, though, so little happens within the prison walls that he doesn’t know about.

Officer Charlie Palomo (Prison Guard 2): The newest of the six guards in Stella Nova, Palomo’s innocent worldview has yet to be tarnished by the harsh realities of his job, or the exasperation of his colleagues. If anyone’s going to start a casual conversation, with a colleague or with an inmate, it’ll be Palomo, and he rarely gets the hint to keep his mouth shut unless explicitly told.

Chief Vanessa Kimball (Chief): Though only in the top spot for a few years, Kimball is an instant magnet for respect, even from top investigators such as Carolina. In fact, she and Carolina have struck up a rapport in the wake of Washington’s arrest, and she’s the only one Carolina will open up to. All the other members of the force, however, shouldn’t dream of getting casual with her.

Detective Franklin Donut (Memry): Once the Special Investigation Unit honed in on the location of an illicit deal taking place at The Red Base Chicken Kitchen, they sent in their undercover operative Donut in the guise of a recently hired waiter. He’s not too undercover, though; the bubbly, flirtatious attitude and unwitting innuendos are all the real him, which often makes his workmates, at the restaurant and the PD, very, very uncomfortable.

Girlie (Beauty): One of two operatives of Charon taking part in the deal at Red Base, though she’s beginning to regret agreeing more by the minute. Even if her “sixth sense” makes her invaluable for the job, her teammate is intolerable, and the other party is taking forever to turn up.

Sharkface (Dandy): Girlie’s teammate, Sharkface also has distaste for their assignment, though it has more to do with the extent of work he has to do than the company. If anything, the company is all that makes this assignment worth it, though she greatly disagrees.

Lopez (Bartender): The barman of The Red Base Chicken Kitchen, Lopez is very, very jaded from his job. His boss is borderline insane, the waiter is driving him insane, and no one understands a word he says anyway. The only thing that keeps him there is the knowledge that, at the very least, his work is appreciated.

Officer Katie Jensen (Prison Guard 3): As the closest in age to Palomo, and the one who can tolerate his company the best, Jensen is usually the guard on the same round as him. They can often be found chatting in the halls until they’re needed, at which point she’ll also be one dragging him back to work.

Officer Averil Volleyball (Prison Guard 4): The first time anyone sees Volleyball in uniform, they swear she’s a kissogram, not an actual officer, and her flirtatious manner doesn’t help. But anyone who actually tries to have their way? Those handcuffs aren’t for play, buddy.

Lavernius Tucker (Alma): Washington’s partner, well-known among his colleagues for being the one that can make the usually stoic detective crack the dorkiest smile ever. Or, well, was well-known, until Washington was charged with his murder. Could their relationship really have gone that sour that quickly?

The only characters of import that I have yet to cast are Doyle’s wife and son, and the hippy that makes DuFresne’s job harder than usual. Any ideas from those who know both franchises?

(Also, please don’t judge me for my choice of given names of the Freelancer and Chorus characters. I put a lot of thought into them.)

[corishadowfang]

WIP Prep Tag Game

Tagged by @siarven--thanks for the tag!

Rules: Answer the questions, then tag as many people as there are questions (or as many as you can).

I debated back and forth about which WIP I’d do, but since I’m going to be entering the rewriting/editing phase soon, I thought I’d do it for On my Heart!

FIRST LOOK

1. Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator pitch)

A boy named Aiden is temporarily turned into a dragon by his Familiar, Kiru, in order to save his life--something that’s both incredibly illegal and incredibly dangerous.  Now on the run, he enlists the help of a former police officer and a hermit with an unusual amount of knowledge about dragons to help prove he’s not the monster everyone thinks he is.

2. How long do you plan for your novel to be? (Is it a novella, single book, book series, etc.)

I’ve planned the story so that it’ll fit into a single book!  Right now it’s approximately 250 pages, but after rewrites I think it’s going to be closer to 400 pages.  (I ended up rushing through a lot of things to finish this draft, so...lots of additions are needed.)

3. What is your novel’s aesthetic?

It’s very...blue.  This is probably because Kiru’s--and by extension, Aiden’s--primary color theme is blue.  Most of the time when I imagine scenery there’s a mix of monochrome and blue-tinted colors with a couple muted colors thrown in.

4. What other stories inspire your novel?

The two most notable are the Fate series and Brave Story.  Fate was actually one of the things that initially inspired the story (more accurately, it was a question that came up while I was playing Fate/Stay Night), and Brave Story has a nice mix of fantastical grounded by more relatable problems that I’d really like to emulate.

5. Share 3+ images that give a feel for your novel

They’re not neatly organized or anything, but there they are.

MAIN CHARACTER

6. Who is your protagonist?

The primary character the story follows is Aiden Cooley.  He’s a sarcastic, adorkable child who really isn’t cut out for the nonsense he’s being put through.

7. Who is their closest ally?

Technically speaking, that would be these three:

Kiru, Aiden’s Familiar, who is something of a trouble-maker but cares deeply for Aiden

Gertrude, a very morally gray woman who would probably be really helpful if anyone could figure out what her motives are

And Jackie, an amputee who helps Aiden out of a combination of pity and worry that turning him in could actually cause bigger problems than helping him out.

8. Who is their enemy?

I joke that it’s himself, but that’s actually not entirely wrong.  One of the biggest problems for Aiden is that he tends to sabotage himself, whether by accident or on purpose.

As far as outside problems go, though, the most immediate ‘enemy’ would be the police.  They’re not really ‘bad guys,’ but they’re the major antagonists considering the position Aiden’s been put in.  The wider-scope antagonist would probably be society at large, though it takes a while for this to dawn on Aiden.

9. What do they want more than anything?

He’d really, really like to just go back home and, you know…not be arrested.  (He had other worries before the story’s start, and they get to be addressed throughout the course of the story, but this has quickly become his immediate concern.)

10. Why can’t they have it?

To give a really brief explanation about how some of the workings of the world: Familiars a readily-available for purchase, and, while all of them have the ability to turn their owners into dragons (should the owners so choose), the act has been outlawed both due to the fact that this would normally kill a user, and because dragons running rampant in the streets would generally cause a lot of panic. Aiden not only transforms into a dragon (albeit against his will), but is completely unharmed by the transformation. Basically, this means that even if he somehow manages to not be arrested, nothing’s going to be the same for him ever again.

11. What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

He tends to have very low self-esteem.  To explain a little, he talks to his Familiar a lot because Kiru has higher artificial intelligence than most Familiars.  However, most kids outgrow this habit by, like…ten, and since Kiru can’t actually talk to anyone but Aiden, the rest of his peers all think he’s pretty weird. This has kind of seeped into his psyche over the years, to the point where he agrees and assumes that no one would actually be interested in being around him and Kiru.  He’s mostly convinced himself that he might be able to live a quiet, uneventful life where no one has to be disturbed by his ‘oddities,’ even though he wouldn’t be entirely happy doing so.

12. Draw your protagonist! (Or share a description)

OH GOSH.  Okay, so, this picture is pretty old, but here’s a rough idea of what Aiden looks like:

PLOT POINTS

13. What is the internal conflict?

I’ve obviously already explained some of it for Aiden; there’s a lot about him learning how to move forward after an event that has drastically changed his life and how to find a ‘new normal,’ and also kind of learning to accept himself.  

For Kiru, a lot of the conflict relates to his own sense of self.  How much of him was created by Aiden as coping mechanism, and how much is himself?  What kind of role does he really play in a world ruled by humans?

For Gertrude, a lot has to do with her own past failings…though I won’t say too much on that.

Jackie’s arc actually parallels and ties with Aiden’s.  They complement each other, since Jackie has already started to learn how to find a ‘new normal’ after a life-changing event (the loss of her leg), and slowly helps Aiden come to terms with the situation through her own experiences.  On a more personal note, her views on Familiars and the people who use them are challenged constantly through working with someone who’s so close to them.

14. What is the external conflict?

The biggest conflict revolves around both evading the police and figuring out a way to get Aiden out of a situation where there are no real easy answers.  On a less important note, trying to understand why Aiden wasn’t affected by his transformation is a constant current in the background, and factors into some key areas of the story.

15. What is the worst thing that could happen to your protagonist?  

The only remaining support system he has turning their backs on him would probably be pretty bad.

16. What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?

That’s spoilers.

17. Do you know how it ends?

That’s…actually a good question.  I’ve finished the draft, so I know how that ends, and originally that was the ending I’d always envisioned for the story. However, I know this draft’s going to need a lot of edits and rewriting, so there’s a very strong possibility that a new ending will appear that works better.  So, we’ll see if it stays the same or not!

BITS AND BOBS

18. What is the theme?  

A pretty major over-arching theme is what you do when you’re in a situation where there are no good answers—where there is no clear-cut right and wrong, and you just have to try your best to pick the right option.  This isn’t just present with the main characters, either; the police officers—especially Chief Harris, who hates this whole situation—and Aiden’s parents have plenty of their own struggles trying to figure out the right thing to do.

A smaller theme, though, is the subject of humanity—what makes us human, and, to use a trope name, “What measure is a non-human?”

19. What is a recurring symbol?  

…Dragons, I guess?  Or water, maybe, because it plays such a heavy metaphorical role in the story.

20. Where is the story set? (Share a description!)

On a large scale, it’s set in an alternate version of Earth where dragons and humans once coincided. The two races ended up fighting, and humans eventually drove dragons to extinction.  A couple decades later, humans decided to try and make the power of dragons their own.  This eventually led to them creating Familiars, which would bestow the power of dragons on humans (with the idea that they’d be less likely to turn on their own kind).  Unfortunately, the dragon transformation was pretty fault due to the fact that it forces a person’s body to change and grow in unnatural ways.  Familiars are still used in every-day life, though—and they’ve been given extra abilities to compensate for the fact that they can’t really be used for their original purpose.

On a smaller scale, the story takes place in the city of Provenance, aka “The Birthplace of Familiars.” It’s a medium-sized city that sits along the bank of a river and used to be the fishing village of White Water. Since the creation of Familiars and Familiar Co. (the primary Familiar manufacturing company), it’s started relying more and more on tourism and Familiar-based exports.  Provenance is kind of this weird mix of historical, tourist trap, and modern city with a lot of weird legends and out-of-the-way places.

21. Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already? 

Originally there were several scenes I had in mind, but as for this upcoming draft…I actually don’t? I might once I get through with editing, but right now there’s nothing major.

22. What excited you about this story?  

So you can probably guess from the theme question, but I really like exploring difficult topics and morally-ambiguous situations in fiction.  A lot of times it’s how I personally work out solutions to those problems (at least on a personal level), and exploring those themes can actually be pretty fun!

But I also really love the characters and their interactions.  They’re basically one big messed up family and I love them.

23. Tell us about your usual writing method!  

Honestly, it’s nothing very exciting.  I usually pick out a song to listen to on repeat—most of the time it has some relation to the story, but other times it’s just one that I like a lot.  Then I’ll set it going and start writing.  I usually have a goal in mind.  So, for example, “Get to the end of this part,” “finish this chapter,” or “write this many pages.”  Basically this just makes sure that I actually make a decent amount of progress on it.  And that’s…basically it?  Sometimes to get myself inspired I’ll read world-building or analysis posts, but that’s not every time; it just kind of depends on my mood.

This was a lot of fun!  Now to tag people...

I’ll tag @paladin-andric, @touchingmadness, @moonbow-ink, @diwrites, @sleepy-and-anxious, @fatal-blow, @focusdumbass, @thatsmybluefondue, @junglefae, @feathersandfortunes, @roselinproductions, @forlornraven, @aureliobooks, @maple-writes, @jess---writes, @aleshirewrites, @ad-drew, @nepeinthe, @novelier, @spacebrick3, @infinitelyblankpage, @insertpenname-here, @theta-lee, and anyone else who wants to do this!  (No pressure if you don’t, of course; this one’s pretty long.)

[etudias]

(Edit: I am aware of the typo in the title, it should be experience)

Hi there, my name is Alessandra and I am going to tell y’all about how the whole college application process went for me. I think my experience ended a little differently than most, or at least most that people will share. It honestly took a lot for me to feel comfortable posting this so I really hope that it will help someone out there. It is however a very long post, so I am going to break it up into sections, feel free to read only what you need/want.

1. Researching Schools

I got excited for college. I was excited to go to college for as long as I can remember and was looking up different schools on site’s like the college board one, bigfuture, which by the way, I recommend, since probably 10th grade. So come Junior year I had a bunch of schools I was interested in. I ended up visiting a few in Boston over spring break that year. I visited Harvard, MIT, and Boston University (clearly my sights were set high). I did not really think it was that important to visit colleges, and that I should just visit the ones I got into to help decide (I now know that college visits can actually really help you get into a top school). The summer before senior year I worked hard to narrow down my list. I ended up with 12 schools that I applied to. This may seem like a lot to some, or not many at all to others. Most people I know applied to more like 5-8, but I know some people who applied to 20+, you gotta do what’s right for you. I wanted to apply to more honestly, but based on costs that is the number my mother and I agreed upon.

2. The Schools

Okay so in alphabetical order here are the schools I applied to:

Barnard College

Brown University

Carnegie Mellon University

Case Western Reserve University

Duke University

Georgia Institute of Technology

Harvard University

Massachusetts Institute of Technology 

Stanford

University of California - Berkeley

University of Georgia

University of Pennsylvania

So, some reasoning on my choices. I heard someone say something that I fully agreed with, and after everything still do. That you should apply to as many reach schools as you can because it raises the chances of getting into just one. So with that I applied to a bunch of reaches, a few meets, and 1 safety. The one safety school I decided on was because it was in state and in my state if you have a 3.75+ GPA and some other requirements, you get full tuition to in state schools and I knew that given the money, there was really no other school that I could consider a safety school that I would choose over it. I still stand by this choice.

3. My Stats 

You are probably going to ask this and I’ve decided to be upfront and tell you because why the heck not. I sent in ACT scores, not SAT (although I did take it). I got a 32 (33 English, 33 Reading, 35 Science, 28 Math), I should have spent more time studying for the math as that score never changed, but it was my 3rd time taking the test and I was over it, my goal had been a 33, but to me that was close enough because I was tired. My GPA was a 3.875 unweighted and a 4.063 weighted. My school did not offer many AP courses, I took all that I could with the exception of 2 history courses that I had strong reasons for not taking and when I had my Harvard interview and I talked with the lady about it, she wholeheartedly agreed and said that as the counselor of her private school she even made her school stop offering those courses, so yeah I feel pretty valid about that. (Ended up taking 7 AP’s if you are curious about which ones, they are on my about page) I basically got all A’s in my academics, my B’s came from some arts classes and health, I know, I know. I’m going to briefly mention my school in this section because it is sort of related. I went to a public arts high school that is ranked number 2 in the state for academics and 75th in the nation. It was extremely rigorous.

4. Extracurricular’s and other application stuff

I was very involved. I participated in theater for all 5 years (my school was 8-12). I did technical theater and by 10th grade was crew head for shows and in 11th grade I worked every show (which at my school was a lot). Senior year I became a stage manager which is a big responsibility and sort of like being a president of a club, but even more responsibility. I calculated the hours I spent with theater junior year alone, 300 hrs. I was also very involved in orchestra, all 5 years. My school has 4 orchestra levels, the first two comprising the lower orchestra, 3&4 comprising the higher level orchestra, based on skill level, not age. I was in orchestra 2 for 8th and 9th grade, orchestra 3 for 10th and 11th grade, and orchestra 4 for senior year, orchestra 4 was a big deal, with only 11 members and you played not only in the higher level orchestra but also the touring orchestra. Lots of hours. I also played in my county’s honor’s orchestra for 2 years. I was on the executive board (basically president) of my schools National Honor Society (our school only opens it to seniors, so I was only in it for 1 year). I was part of Beta Club for 4 years. I was a math tutor. I founded a Girls Who Code club at my school and taught it. I was in our award winning mock trial for 2 years. I was a member of my schools Gay Straight Alliance. I babysat all throughout high school. I did more than that but this is already long enough and you can tell that basically, I was a try hard.

   Let’s talk about summers. The summer after 10th grade I went to a 7 week long summer immersion program for coding called Girls Who Code. The summer after junior year I went to a week long orchestra camp, then my states Governor’s Honor’s program, which in my state is very prestigious and hard to get into (I think its like a 10% acceptance rate). I was a software engineering major and a math minor there. (Those are really the summers that count, but all other summers I went to orchestra camp)

   More application stuff, I had a fair amount of school awards as well as the aforementioned Governor’s Honor’s. I got recommendations from my pre calculus teacher, who I founded a Girls Who Code club with, and my world history/ap psych teacher. They both loved me and I’m sure wrote great recommendations (with the exception of UGA where I did not send any). All the schools I had interviews with went extremely well. I was a legacy for Duke. I had an alumni friend write an AMAZING letter of rec for CMU. I felt my essays were strong (and checked by 3 or so people).

   My major: I basically applied everywhere as a computer science major. I felt good about this with the way I spent my summers, some of my extracurricular, and classes I chose to take. I wrote a fair amount of essays about this and I feel as though my applications demonstrated the work I had put into bringing more people (especially women) into STEM, specifically cs, and my interests and knowledge of cs.

5. The Decisions

Finally the good part right? Well at least for you readers. I’ll go in order of the decisions (although towards the end I forget the order a bit because it was tech week and show weeks for my schools biggest production, I was busy) and add some commentary on some. (All regular decision unless otherwise noted)

MIT (Early Action) - rejected, it hurt a little being my first, but not unexpected

Case Western (Early Action) - deferred, then waitlisted, then rejected, everyone from my school got the exact same decisions from them and there were people from the bottom of my class to the very top lol

University of Georgia - accepted, oh boy I cried because finally thank goodness somewhere at least

Georgia Tech - waitlisted, then rejected, this one still stings, people with all around weaker applications from my school got in that applied early. the acceptance rate dropped from 40% to 8% between early and regular, biggest regret is not applying here early, once I was waitlisted here I felt for sure I wouldn’t get in anywhere else

Barnard College - waitlisted, still waiting to hear. at this point i just felt like I was getting waitlisted everywhere

Harvard - rejected, expected as are basically the rest of these

U Penn - rejected 

Brown - rejected

UC Berkeley - rejected

Duke - rejected, but damn that letter I’m still mad about, like the fact the I got rejected was unsurprising at that point, but they sent me 3 long paragraphs of rejection bc I was a legacy saying how sorry they were and how many times they reconsidered my application. One sentence would have been better.

Stanford - rejected

CMU - rejected, and man I knew it was coming but it was the last school I heard from, my last hope, and it was closing day for my last school musical, this was a bad day, not so much for this one school but just the process in general

6. Reflections

So I got into 1 school, yup just 1. My safety school that’s it. Let me tell you I was devastated, not over any particular school, but that I didn’t get into any others. I ate 4 donuts and cried a whole lot the day of that last rejection. I got really REALLY stuck on the fact that I would only ever read that one acceptance letter, that one congratulations. I moped around and was sad and upset with my self and full of regrets like why did I not apply to more schools, it was a bad time. But let me tell you that time really showed my what good some friends could be, friends really helped me through that. Even though I had only one school I waited till the last minute to commit. So yes, fall 2018 UGA here I come, go dawgs! (and really its not a bad school, especially the honors program) I worked really hard to get myself excited for this school and as much as I am, with the major I want to go into, I know it is in my best interests to transfer, no matter how much I do not like the idea of transferring (its a good school don’t get me wrong, just not the best for my major). I am still trying to come to terms with the idea of transferring and honestly this whole process in general. I do not think I would have done things much differently, I put my best into my applications, honestly if I changed anything I would have just applied to more schools and probably only more reaches or meet/reaches at that. I have come to accept the decisions (mostly, I still get quite down about it from time to time). It was an odd year for decisions at my school in general. We usually send a good amount of students to top top schools like ivies and the equivalent, but this year no one got into any, heck our valedictorian is going to UGA too. (I think it has something to do with our class being super strong overall, 50% had a 4.0+ weighted, so therefore none of us really stood out) So yeah it really freaking hurts only getting into one school, I’m pretty sure I went through all the stages of grief, but now I am in acceptance and just getting excited for college!! and I am SO EXCITED

   If anyone has any questions about this process, my inbox is open.

[piketrickfeet]

Just for fun, what would the dynamic be in an au with Liz x Red x Ressler?

oh.  oh, anon.  you asked for it. thank you for this opportunity to just blather on and like write little mini fics about this.  poly ships are my favorite ships and now i’ll be thinking about this until i’m dead.  

their dynamic would be very close to canon i won’t lie. i see a grudging respect among all of them that could definitely grow to admiration and then love.  as black and white as ressler is, his time with reddington has definitely reshaped his world view. i think his feelings towards liz are also important to note because i think he feels the need to be a slight mentor to her.  yes, she is an agent in her own right, but she was also part of a mobile psych unit before the task force, so i think he feels like he needs to show her the ropes.  we all know red’s feelings about lizzy lol. he obviously cares about her more than he probably should and it definitely gets him in to trouble.  but i think his feelings for ressler are also important.  as much as he makes fun of him, as much as he rides him, he also saved his life and works with him with minimal problems.  ressler is also one of the few people red trusts to keep lizzy safe, which i think says loooaaaads about their relationship.  

now, of course, that is all very much a “if this is a slight au where there was even a remote chance of any of these relationships happening” kind of instance

other aus would call for slightly different dynamics so here are some of my favorite aus lol.  thanks to @auchen and @221beefcakes for the au ideas. idk how you feel about this ship though so lol.  

au where red never turned traitor: red would have risen through the ranks of the navy and then idk worked closely with the fbi which is how ressler starts working with him. and ressler is such an All American Boy that he idolizes this decorated sailor and loves working with him. red probably finds him a little annoying, like a small dog that runs around your feet, but he can’t deny that the kid does good work, so he starts to help him out more, starts working with him, and their relationship evolves from there.  it would be a somewhat similar dynamic as in canon with the begrudging respect toward ressler that would slowly change over time.  lizzy is a little harder to fit in to this one, just because of all the things that happened in her childhood.  but should the same things happen (the fire, sam, etc.), it definitely would have made her personality the same i think.  and depending how they all meet, it would be interesting to see how that all plays out.  maybe there is a Very Bad Person that has red and ressler working together and red has heard of this really great up and coming profiler, so they pull her in to the case.  red would be instantly smitten and ressler would be 90% jealous because now this new girl is getting all of red’s attention and 10% in love with her already.  and they end up working so well together and so in sync that they form their task force and start working to take down hardcore criminals.  and eventually their respect turns to affection and while working late one night they realize their feelings for each other and then live happily ever after.

coffee shop au cause i’m trash: now there are a good many variations of a coffee shop au that could be written, but we’ll go with this one.  cooper owns a coffee shop (nicknamed the post office because of what it used to be lol) and hires a mish mash of people that work there.  (just…because i need it…aram as the tech person who like creates this great computer system that a coffee shop doesn’t really need but it’s great anyway.  samar is head barista but also tends to throw out customers who are The Worst lol.)  ressler is also a barista but he’s also surprisingly the one that comes up with new menu items because he’s multifaceted i tell you. liz is like asst manager or something like that but her job is mainly to watch people to see what they like and don’t like so that they can make the necessary changes to the shop or the menu.  anyway that’s why liz notices the fancy dressed man come in to the shop multiple times a week.  she doesn’t miss the way he flirts with literally everyone, including aram which makes the young tech blush FIERCELY it’s hilarious.  but red definitely pays a little more attention than necessary to ressler in the form of teasing and liz is a little bit jealous that he doesn’t show her the same sort of attention until he DOES and she almost can’t handle the full force of raymond reddington.  and in this au maybe he’s not a criminal, but he’s definitely as sauve and well connected and so he convinces liz to go to dinner without telling her that he’s also invited ressler until they both show up to the restaurant dressed to the nines and then red walks up and puts both their hands on his elbows like A GIANT DORK and walks them inside.  and liz has always had a small crush on ressler, ever since she started at the shop and he showed her the ropes. so they do dinner and red Explains Himself and asks if they’re open to all dating and ressler is like “eeeehhhh” at first, but he definitely finds liz attractive and nice and he wants to get to know red a little more, so they all agree.  and there’s definitely a learning curve, but they find their groove and fall in love.  this turned out to be very loosely a coffee shop au lol

werewolf au: my werewolf knowledge is very much influenced by teen wolf so sorry lol. let’s see.  they wouldn’t all be werewolves, that would be too easy.  no, i think ressler would make a good werewolf since he’s basically a dog with a bone in the first place.  and that’s how he’s risen through the ranks of the fbi so quickly, because of his unknown extra senses.   and he thought when he started chasing raymond reddington five years ago that his abilities would make it a little bit easier.  and yet.  what he doesn’t know is that red is also a werewolf and has been using that to his advantage.  (sidenote: red definitely has A Pack in dembe and kate and it’s small and broken but they’re family)  and liz is Not A Werewolf, but katerina maybe was and whoever her father is/was probably was, but it doesn’t travel genetically??? idk born v bitten is so vague lol.  anyway, the point is, it’s in her past but she doesn’t know about it, but that’s how red knew her parents, maybe they were part of his pack until they turned on him or died or something.  but since lizzy was their’s, she was technically part of his pack too, but he’s in no state to take care of a small human girl when he’s getting ready to go on the run. so he takes her to sam who he’s known forever who knows their lore even if he is human and has him take care of her until he can come back and tell her her history.  a n y w a y, back to the ship lol.  the series tends to play out the same way with some minor differences about the past and red’s background and such.  but as for their dynamic, ressler would know immediately that red is a werewolf, a fact that pisses him off greatly because he should have realized it five years ago when he first started tracking him.  and red knows ressler is a werewolf because he can smell his loneliness, the fact that he doesn’t have a pack, so he takes advantage of that and pulls ressler in to his orbit.  after that, it’s easy for them to fall in to some weird relationship. ressler hates that he needs reddington, but he can’t deny that being around reddington makes him feel whole.  and reddington doesn’t want to like ressler as much as he does, but he can’t deny that he feels this need to take care of him, this need to include him in things, in his life.  so they work together, red and ressler, and they include liz and try not to tell her about their secret, but the way their lives are makes it hard. and i can just imagine during a Very Difficult Case where liz’s life is in danger, ressler wolfs out or something and reddington has to reign him back in and their secret is exposed.  and liz wants to be scared but she’s always had this feeling that red was different (she never got the feeling from ressler, but then again they weren’t that close for a long time, but they are now and she can’t imagine life without him), but he’s not scary he makes her feel safe.  and the more they all work together, the safer she feels with them.  and eventually liz figures out her own background, figures out her heritage.  and one day, many years after they’ve finished the blacklist, red asks liz if she’d take the bite either from him or ressler, but even if she doesn’t, she’s still a part of their pack, still a part of them, and their bond is tested but never broken.

ROLE REVERSAL AU WHICH I DIDN’T REALIZE I WANTED IT UNTIL NOW: ressler is still the same because i can’t picture ressler any other way lol my all american boy, but red never turned traitor and worked his way up the navy and now works for the fbi lol so original i know.  but liz, sweet liz, who was dropped off on sam’s doorstep 25 years ago or whatever and he took care of her, taught her how to pick locks, taught her how to hide her tracks, taught her how to be a criminal.  and when he died, she was so distraught and vengeful that she channeled that rage in to criminal activity.  and she built up contacts that her father introduced her to until she was running a small but strong criminal syndicate.  and that put her on the fbi’s radar five years ago when a young and ambitious ressler started to try and follow her, tried to track her down and shut down her crime ring.  he pulls in reddington, not really knowing about his connection to sam and red knows immediately how to pull in liz but something stops him.  so liz’s network grows and she gets more and more dangerous but she knows about her past, knows about katerina and kirk and the american and red and knows everything about the fulcrum, but that puts a target on her back.  so she turns herself in to the fbi and says she’ll only talk to raymond reddington, gives him a list of criminals so bad that they all rush to start taking them down.  and red is instantly smitten, instantly ride or die for lizzy, even if it means throwing away years of work, of accomplishments.  but ressler is not so easily convinced, and it takes a lot of work, and it’s only his relationship with red that allows him to see liz’s side of things.  because ressler has liked red for years, has admired him and worked with him and loved him since the sailor started trying to take down elizabeth keen with him five years ago.  and now here she is in the flesh and she’s nothing like either man thought, she’s a criminal, yes, and she’s dangerous, of course, but she’s doing all of this, the blacklist, everything, not for herself, but because it’s for the good of the world or whatever.  and ressler’s captain america personality can see the good in her, just a little bit, and it makes him hesitate.  and the longer they all work together, the easier it is for him to fall in love with her too.  and liz is easy, liz is open and willing from the second she asks for raymond reddington, all gentle glances and soft touches while they’re working on the lists.  and in the end it’s much easier than any of them thought to fall in love.  

professor/student(s) au: okay, so this one is hard.  raymond reddington, dedicated and decorated navy sailor, who worked his way up the ranks and now teaches at a local university.  he’s the same, still hard to work with, still cold and calculating, but very much a mentor to his students in his criminology class.  ressler is his TA even though he hated reddington at first because reddington is a hardass, expects the best from all of his students and he saw something in ressler from the start.  so when red is forced to get a TA he immediately thinks of ressler and hires him against the wishes of the dept head but you know fuck that guy.  and ressler, as per usual, has a deep respect for reddington, even if he was pissed about the D (heh) he got on that paper that one time.  but it made him think a little harder about the subject, made him better at the class and he ended up graduating with honors before coming back for his master’s.  and then liz shows up, all bright eyed and gung ho and ressler finds her slightly annoying just because of her bright personality, but he can’t deny that she’s smart and good at her coursework.  and reddington doesn’t even realize who she is at first, but he reads her first term paper and is blown away by her ability to profile these criminals in the case studies and he just has to know her.  and it’s definitely a Bad Idea because he already thinks a little too fondly of ressler and now there’s this young woman that he can’t get off his mind.  and ressler’s a little jealous at first, because he was the shining star, but even he admits that liz is bright.  and they all sort of end up fitting together in a way that none of them expected.  and maybe they have to wait until liz graduates, but it’s easy after that.  ressler goes in to the fbi first and then liz and reddington basically cons his way into a contracting gig with them, and no doubt one of the best teams in the fbi.  and if there’s talk about how they seem to be coming in together and leaving together and the girl from hr let slip that all their tax forms and benefits go to the same address, well, no one dares to say anything to their faces.  

[soclosewiz]

Magnum Opus

Magnum Opus “How many more bolts until the end of this thing?” my partner Mike asked as he powered past the crux of a climb. “You never really reach the end,” I replied sarcastically. “Greyhound stays with you forever; you’ll never be the same after you clip those chains.” In that situation it was a joke, but for the climbs we would later go on to send that day, the words held unironic truth. Some sends are just a box ticked on 8a.nu or an excuse to drink beer at the end of the day. Others tell a story: of lessons learned, friendships made, challenges overcome, or in the case of Magnum Opus, all of the above. When I was 19 and on my very first climbing road trip, I met my very first dirtbag. He was living out of a van with his dog and another climber he’d picked up somewhere along the way, and rock climbing was his life. As I traveled around for the next three months, I toyed with the idea of doing such a thing myself one day, but also wondered if I actually had what it would take. The years went by, and I found myself drawn to the comfort of a stationary life, with a community, friends, a home… basically a support system so that I never really had to face the thought of being truly and one hundred percent alone. I always set ultimatums for myself, with the hope that one day I would be ready to face the adventure of leaving home with just the things that would fit into my car and see where life might take me. When I sent 8a/13b I would do it. That came and went and I only settled down more. When I’d lived in Seattle for a full year, then I would do it. Three years went by. When I turned 25, that would be the year that I’d reevaluate. 25 finally happened, and I found myself with the opportunity I had always been waiting for. In December of 2017 I met a guy in Mexico named Alex who was psyched to travel and climb together. We hit it off and stayed in touch, and so I, ready to make the most of my last year of Dad’s health insurance, hit the road. I was travelling by myself, but I still had a safety blanket; a seasoned dirtbag to hold my hand as I jumped off the deep end. It was the push I had been waiting for all this time. Unfortunately he was ready to let go of said hand after a lot less time than I would have liked, and I was faced with a new ultimatum: venture off into the unknown by myself, keep climbing with a guy that had just broken my heart, or head home with my tail tucked between my legs. None of the options were what I had been mentally prepared for when I left home. I called a few friends, cried for a few hours, drove to St. George, got a hotel, and drank an appropriate amount of wine for what I figured the situation entailed. I felt more physically alone than I have in many years, being solo in a very foreign place with absolutely no plan. Luckily, I received endless support from all of my friends, and that comfort got me through the night. I couldn’t afford to stay there more than a night however, so I needed to come up with a new plan pretty quickly. I found a place to sleep in my car just outside the city, and considered all my options. I had friends coming in soon, but I wasn’t just going to sit around and wait until they got here. After two rest days, I needed to climb. I showed up to Moe’s Valley with no knowledge of the area, no crash pads, no guidebook, a marginal amount of psyche to boulder, and a healthy level of fear at the thought of putting myself out there and trying to befriend some strangers in my already emotionally vulnerable state. I walked up to the first people I found and asked to join them. It was a couple from Salt Lake who were working on a V7 called Paradise Lost. I ran two laps on the warmup V2 next to it, and then proceeded to start working the 7 and subsequently dispatching it within three tries. I can only imagine what they must have thought! Who the fuck was this girl? Luckily first impressions are quickly overwritten by honest friendships, and we ended up having a great day together. I began to feel like I could actually make something happen with the rest of my trip, if I was able to see the many opportunities around me for what they were. At the end of the day I also ran into another few familiar faces from my time in Mexico: Mike and his dog Sequoia. He was on a similar soul searching, partnerless vision quest in Moe’s, and it was through pure serendipity that we happened to sync up that day when we were both wandering through the boulders while actually yearning to sport climb. After a few more days farting around until my other friends showed up, I rallied my crew around me to head back to the Grail. I had unfinished business, and thy name was Magnum Opus. Driving back to Lime Kiln brought with it a mixture of excitement and trepidation. Would Alex still be there? Would the place still seem as exciting and magical with a different crew? Did I have a prayer at sending this rock climb? The answers were ‘No,’ ‘Yes,’ and ‘Maybe, just maybe.’ I wasted no time in diving into the project. Magnum Opus was everything I had been told it would be: bad feet, shallow mono pockets, and very few rests for 35m. Pulling on some of those holds felt like an injury ready to happen, and if I didn’t hit some of them just right I had to force myself to just let go to avoid blowing a tendon. I had to tape one of my fingertips and it made many of the moves much harder because I had to be significantly more precise to fit into some of the pockets now, and other holds were now quite slippery. On my second or third burn I split a tip on my other hand too, so now I was double taping. A rest day yielded hope for the skin, but when I came back the draws had been taken down, so I had to hang my own. Suddenly there was a new pressure: I couldn’t leave without either sending or accepting defeat, because putting them up was an ordeal I was not enthusiastic about repeating. I also didn’t have enough remaining draws to do anything else, so I couldn’t realistically consider leaving to climb somewhere else and just coming back in a few days. Friday marked the arrival of more friends from my previous stint in the Grail, but they were only there for the weekend, and Mike was also scheduled to leave on Sunday. I had two days before there were no longer any partners I knew, plus I also wanted to meet up with my friends back in St. George. I one hung the climb twice, feeling strong, psyched, and stressed. Saturday came, and I knew I would need a rest day after that. It was time to sink or swim. I felt terrible on my warmup, and my skin felt like every hold was sharper than crimping on the blade of my pocket knife. On top of that, when I walked up to the climb there was a family toproping the approach pitch, so I had to wait for them to finish to get on. It wasn’t until after lunch that I even tried it that day, but the first burn brought another high point and one-hang. Even with the continued progress, I didn’t think it would go down. There were just too many places that you could screw it up (i.e. every single hand and/or foot move from the start of the crux until the anchors), and even the most minor of errors would send me pitching off with a flurry of expletives. The main reason I didn’t think it would go down was because that would make everything just a little too easy. I would send the project just as my partners were all leaving, just as my new friends were arriving in St. George, just before my skin got any worse (I was worried about another finger splitting), and just before I would need a rest day. Yet somehow, the universe decided I had earned a break, and I found myself crimping through the crux with confidence. I got to my high point and felt myself slipping off the same hold as before, but through sheer force of will I managed to pull through and get to the rest. From there I knew I could finish it as long as I climbed well. If there’s one thing the Grail has taught me about climbing, it is that the difference between climbing poorly and climbing like I should be on this technical terrain is almost entirely in my head (unless I’ve had too much coffee, then it’s anyone’s guess). ‘Climb well, Brittany’ I found myself telling myself whenever my leg would start to shake or my heart would begin to race. ‘Climb like you should be climbing, and you can do this’ and similar mantras became my constant internal dialogue. For me this is a dramatic change from the norm. Usually I find myself thinking things more along the lines of ‘don’t fuck this up,’ or ‘wouldn’t it just suck to blow it right here?’ There is no room for those sort of thoughts on Magnum Opus. When I clipped the chains my own cheering was almost drowned out by the chorus of encouragements from friends and strangers alike from one end of the crag to the other. The wall at Lime Kiln is such that everyone can see everything from just about any vantage point, so I was lucky to be able to celebrate my victory with the masses who had watched me punt off (quite vocally) so many times before now. Many other members of the crew sent their projects that day, and it filled me with endless joy to be able to share my experience with all of them. Not only was Magnum Opus the first 13d of my climbing career (the grade receives many different labels depending on who you ask, but that is what I feel is right for me), it is the most tries I’ve put on anything away from home crags, and the hardest I’ve done outside Washington. It represents all of the elements of my journey so far, and also everything still to come in my remaining days of travel. From making pizza for five hours over the campfire, to crossing state lines several times a week, to watching 360 degrees of sunrise en route to Las Vegas, to cooking dinner in parking garages, to sleeping in shooting ranges, to falling asleep stargazing on crash pads, to overstaying my welcome at McDonalds to use Wifi, to bleeding through the knees of every single pair of pants I brought, to sewing car curtains at the library, to getting baked and watching Jumanji in the rain, to ground score potato chips, to so many other memories—These days are long, but the weeks are short, and I am eternally grateful for each and every moment, from the ones that break my heart to the ones that make it feel like it will burst with joy. Every day brings new lessons, opportunities and adventure, and while nothing has tuned out at all like I had been expecting, I wouldn’t change a single part of it.