#tcc discussion

[shellofhappiness]

The general dialogue between Eric and that AOL girl regarding his philosophy on love has always stood out to me. It's one of the very few moments of vulnerability we've been given / able to find on his character over the past twenty years.

Eric always had his guard up. We all mostly know this from his own writings, no one acts like how he portrayed himself naturally. But, also including the accounts given about him from other people in his life, important or not, before and after passing. Mostly commonly described as aggressive and irritable, yet closed-off and restrained.

Alongside that online exchange, the only other times I can think of were when he called out of work to be there for his sick dog, or the innocent adoration he held toward his older brother, alongside sincere respect for his mother, of course, Reb's "I wish I were a fucking sociopath" Tape, and (arguably) his undisclosed email to his childhood best friend.

He talked about love like he was an outsider. A still figure watching it & whatever shape it may take maneuver around him, but not having the ability to engage. Let alone even acknowledge the fact it could be something of his own as well if he reached his hand out to touch it, but that wasn't even a possibility for him at that moment. Feeling comfortable enough to bring it up, but never to address it directly. Mentioning what he believed, but never outright saying it, afraid to cross a boundary. Though, he was still very careful with his wording despite not feeling confident enough to state his opinion in full. Being just general enough so he didn't risk the girl disagreeing with his words because he didn't give her an opening to do so, but still baring just a bit of his self to her through his ego because it was just the two of them.

Everyone talks about the concept of "love" relating to the case in reference to DK, because it was something that openly consumed him in private, but in a way, I feel the same just might have applied to Eric as well. But, like many other things relating to him, he hid it all away inside of himself. To live is to be vulnerable, and the times Eric was, never ended in his favor. Hence why he conditioned himself to be so isolated from everyone else, emotionally independent.

When Eric did openly talk about his doctrine on love, it was that degenerate & exploitative journal passage in which he wrote in depth about the idea of forcing himself onto certain women in his life alongside gaudy band lyrics. Considering how hesitant he was to directly speak to another girl about love, even under the context they were both being open with each other, the passage was likely written out of some kind of complex frustration. To compensate for how he felt like such a stranger in the face of it, but remarkably knowledgeable when speaking objectively. He wasn't being honest with himself, but still desperately needed some kind of liberation as an attempt to stop whatever feeling of desire he harbored from further stirring inside him.

The passion that stems from hatred is something I'm sure we all know Eric was well acquainted with. I think the hate inside of him masked the love, being overshadowed and making it appear small. It was definitely there, but seldom did it get a voice to speak in comparison to the amount of steam he let out on a general basis.

Eric cared a lot. When you look past the ego he presented to the whole world, he wasn't an individual with ASPD by any stretch of the means. He wanted not to be independent, but his life made him feel that was the only option he could truly rely on with the social instability he faced growing up. He wanted to be seen. I'm sure many people have voiced this before, but it's truly heart-wrenching to think he was doing this big finale act with his best friend, maybe because he had his best friend there to do it with him, only to find out post-mortem that DK didn't hold him to the same high regard. Maybe close, but not at all on the exact same level.

Putting the fact aside both of them expressed fantasies of doing NBK with their own respective "dream girl," DK wanted other options for someone to go through with the date, other actual people in his life, but from Eric's point-of-view, it had to be Dylan. Dylan was one of the very few people in his life, the only one still present with him, that aided his desire not to be alone. To be seen as an individual. To be vulnerable. Under the impression Dylan felt the same way he did, or at least something similar ... and while I won't deny it was there, it just wasn't as significant to the other party.

"What one person calls true love (EH) can be just another cheap thrill to another (DK)."

I'd like to specify that my goal with this post isn't to send the message that they were "gay," nor point out any form of "romantic chemistry," but rather to emphasize how languished love was overall in Eric's life. Also, I think there's an absurdist humor that comes from the irony of him saying this with what we know would follow half at his hands (you know who the other half is).

They both loved each other as friends, without a doubt, but it's so tragic to think that Eric's closest bond, a connection of love so intimate yet unrelated to direct societal romance, which created a strength so abundant that it started a ripple effect worldwide that still persists to this very day, wasn't quite requited the way he thought it was. Just like every other published bond of his, in his sad little existence.

[hyperion-severus]

albus would love legos. i could see him being into the star wars sets or something. he’d be chill about those and maybe take some of those sets apart to build other things but he’d also enjoy the the landmark ones. he’d be very precious about those and no one could touch those and they’re on display on a special shelf in his room. he would absolutely hyperfixate on building the sets until they were done and his family learned at a very young age that he does NOT need any help and he will in fact snap if you touch any of the pieces he’s meticulously sorted out on the table or floor in front of him.

scorpius is very skeptical of the pile of random blocks at first but once he’s seen the process he’s very intrigued and would definitely beg draco for his own sets. he’d show up with like the biggest most expensive set like the death star or something and albus would be like “what. the. fuck. i’ve been begging my parents for that for YEARS. and you got it as on your first time asking??” and they’d build it together but albus is biting his tongue the whole time and internally screaming because he can’t stand doing this with other people usually but it’s scorpius so he’s Allowing it even if it’s slightly painful especially because scorpius is a bit clumsy and knocks already built parts over or sometimes he gets the steps wrong and it takes a lot longer than it would if he was doing it on his own. but it’s all worth it at the end when scorpius is beaming with pride holding the creation. or just staring at it resting nicely on the shelf bc he probably shouldn’t be holding it with his clumsy streak

i think albus, especially having grown up playing and building with legos since he was old enough to not put them in his mouth, would have a lot of intuition on how to build things without instructions too like he could make some cool stuff with random pieces where scorpius is very Left Brained and i think he would struggle with the creative part of it like that. like dont get me wrong i do think he’s a creative and imaginative person but building legos is a whole other level of that and i think he would like. build a mismatched square and call it a house and albus would have like a fucking whole functioning city block built and everything in the same amount of time

[spookcataloger]

Icemans Victims (2015)

[truecrimepromiseversion2]

Disappearance of Frances Tuccitto

Frances Tuccito circa 1953

Frances Tucitto

Physical Description

Full Name: Frances L. Tuccitto

Date of Birth: Unknown

Race/Ethnicity: White/Caucasian

Sex: Female

Height: 5′2″ (62 inches) (157.48 cm)

Weight: 100 lbs - 105 lbs (45.35kg - 47.63 kg)

Hair Color: Brown, graying

Eye Color: Blue

Distinguishing Characteristics

Missing a part of one of her fingers while working at the Russell Manufacturing Company in Middletown, CT.

Her maiden name is Macklin

Family

Husband: Joseph V. Tucitto

Five children

Misc. Info

Lived on the 10 block of Commerce Drive in Portland, Connecticut

Case Information

Age at Disappearance: 45

Missing Since: June 1, 1953 (Missing for 69 years as of May 3,2023)

Last Location Seen: Portland, Middlesex County, Connecticut, USA

Last Location Seen on Google Maps: https://www.google.com/maps/place/41%C2%B034'21.4%22N+72%C2%B038'26.9%22W/@41.5726111,-72.6408056,17z/data=!3m1!4b1!4m4!3m3!8m2!3d41.5726111!4d-72.6408056

Classification: Missing

Dentals: Unknown

Fingerpints: Unknown

DNA: Unknown

Clothing & Personal Effects

No official description known

Circumstances of Disappearance

Frances last seen at her home and she never been heard since. Few details are available in her case.

Unidentified Person Exclusions (NamUs)

https://www.namus.gov/UnidentifiedPersons/Case#/6279

https://www.namus.gov/UnidentifiedPersons/Case#/6796

https://www.namus.gov/UnidentifiedPersons/Case#/6661

https://www.namus.gov/UnidentifiedPersons/Case#/12683

https://www.namus.gov/UnidentifiedPersons/Case#/5556

Contact Information/Contact Agencies/Investigating Agencies

Portal Police Department

Agency Case Number: 12-1430

Agency Contact Personal: Scott Cunningham, Sergeant

Agency Phone Number: 860-342-6780

Milwaukee Police Department

Agency Phone Number: 414-935-7405

RTI Internation

Agency Contact Personal: Regional Program Specialist Lori Bruski

Agency Phone Number: 817-718-7904

Agency Email Address: lbruski@rti.org

NamUs

Agency Case Number: #MP14289

Agency Contact Personal: Regional Program Specialist Brian Nisbet

Agency Phone Number: 518-713-8438

Agency Email Address: bnisbet@rti.org

Sources/Further Information/Places of Interest

https://charleyproject.org/case/frances-l-tuccitto

https://www.namus.gov/MissingPersons/Case#/14289/details

https://www.doenetwork.org/cases/4317dfct.html

https://whereaboutsstillunknown.wordpress.com/2013/03/12/frances-tuccitto/

https://www.websleuths.com/forums/threads/ct-frances-tuccitto-45-portland-1-june-1953.391905/

[keepwaitingforyou]

whether or not men "belong" in the tcc is such a stupid thing to even discuss but it'll always be weird to me how people seem to suck up to cis men in the tcc. paul was just weird and unfunny to begin with and david's oh so intellectual rants about the school system seemed like nothing more than teen angst, yet they still had people in their asks professing their love or wanting to be bffs. if david's "face reveal" wasn't that fake asf picture of a random conventionally attractive guy, or gawd forbid if he was a woman, not nearly as many people would've acted like his thoughts were smart and original. even if you're completely busted looking, if you're a cis man i swear there will always be at least one person on here saying they love/like/want/whatever you lol

[thegirlwhowrites642]

Absolutely love your meta on Ginny's loneliness. I would also add that the intense loneliness both Harry and Ginny experience early in life would also make it so that they never took each other for granted. They would truly appreciate the love and support of the other in their life because they know what its like to live without it. The indescribable joy of feeling understood and supported when for years you never felt that way. TL:DR they really deserve each other. 😭❤

[this is the meta being discussed]

Ok first of all, thank you <3

I absolutely agree with you. I think one of the most striking elements of Harry and Ginny's dynamic in the books is how they seem to be in their own personal world when they interact with each other, a concept emphasized by their heavy use of a non-verbal communication style. It's a central element of how they are defined thematically that they have this very deep unique instinctual understanding of each other. They also tend to be narratively very isolated just to be brought back to having only the other to relate to, the whole structure of their parallel storylines in DH is an example of that.

This experience with loneliness would also be very defining of what type of parents they would be (one of the many reasons why TCC is ridiculous). If there are two characters in the books that would be very attentive to their kids not being lonely those are Ginny and Harry. They would be the biggest supporters of their kids' interests and would want them to have various settings in which they can find friends and they would spend time actively playing/having fun with their children. They would also be those parents who end up becoming friends with their kids when they are older.

[picklelovergirl]

okay helloooo!! so this is the (completely unofficial) zero day archive blog, ran by @01-05-2001. will also include content from elephant/duck/etc.

this is not a TCC blog and is purely informational. anyone is welcome + many posts will likely discuss columbine or similar due to the nature of ZD. my posts do not and will not ever condone, endorse or justify the actions of any real world criminals.

the zero day drive is also available. this includes ZD, BTS clips, and other projects by ben, andre and cal! :)

for more movies like zero day / elephant / duck, see this recommendations list!

current tag organisation:

#zero day 2003 | #elephant 2003

#ben coccio | #andre keuck | #cal robertson

#review | #interview | #bts

#images | videos

#other projects - names of which will be tagged individually

#media - scans/images of any physical media

#contact - emails/messages etc. from

#op - posts from me!

ask box should be open for any inquiries or messages!

[arlene-needs-a-break]

posting this again cus no one joined the first time ,, its literally just me and bots so PLEASE join the rules :

rules !

1 . dont send gore self explanatory .

2 . dont be an ass even if someone has opinions you dont like ,, dont be a dick . idc if they like colt gray or dylan butler ( these are just examples of mostly disliked ones ) and you dont ,, just cus you dont like them isnt an excuse . . well unless its bobby lemon or dolly flesh ,, then hate on ( lmao sorry i hate them sm ) .

3 . bullying this is like the 2nd rule except i didnt know where to squeeze these in ,, if someone here is really attached to certain criminals ,, DONT fucking judge them ,, if i see any of yall little shits calling someone corny its an instant ban . if someone believes theyre a dylan // eric // adam // etc spirit wife or wtv ,, dont fucking hate on them its not your place . and this is also for the spirit wives or wtv ,, i get it you love them ,, but please dont yell at others ,, you can be upset if someone insults them but dont go off cus someone else thinks theyre dating them ,, just be at peace please

4 . slurs slurs are fine IF you can reclaim them ,, now i dont wanna hear " but dylan and eric sai - " idgaf ,, are you dylan or eric ? no ,, great ! so dont say it if you fuckin cant ,, gay people can say faggot // dyke ,, trans people can say t slur ,, black people can say n slur ,, so on and so forth

5 . fighting if you get in a fight please go to dms ,, or @ a staff member we'll handle it ( this is for any fight that isnt in discourse )

6 . topics NO discussion of politics or any form of discourse anywhere other than the discourse channel

7 . weird shit we have nsfw channels seperated by age for a reason ,, adults if youre caught talking to a minor in any weird way you WILL be banned and you cannot appeal . minors ,, if an adult flirts with you ,, PLEASE as soon as you can ,, tell a staff member . minors words will be taken over adults words .

[thereal6anoufriev6boy6]

hello everyone!

i have made a tcc agereg/petreg server! please feel free to join and abide by the rules.

please note there are normal channels for other discussions.

i will not be afraid to remove you immediately if you show any hate or start trolling.

[bluenomad-snufkin]

More about me... be warned im a terrible human

I am 16 - Male, chronically depressed. Un-ironically a genius... and lack real connection.

I like weird music such as, Death grips, Semetery, Adam and the ants, Fried by Fluoride... I LOVE THE SMITHS BTW and nirvana.

i enjoy playing with computers and building them, have about 4 pc's now and 5 laptops, all old stuff cause i like old computers.

Linux enthusiast - I use mint :3

I own a shit CRT but its fun to use- lain core </3

Game a fair bit and enjoy games like Chiv2-Cof-Postal1/2-Tf2-project zomboid- Counter strike source and 2. silent hill series could go on and on but you get the idea

hmu if u want to game cause all my friends are ass at "these sort of games"

i enjoy some weird interests as well:

tcc, photography, design, steam power, engines in general, motorbikes, hacking, ELETRIC GUITAR, and acoustic, gambling, baking, cooking, pirating, audiophile, 3drinting, preservation of old tech, blacksmithing, reading, Gel-Blasting (for the Americans it is australian Airsoft in short), old game console modding, anime and movies.

That's probably the list ngl

I read a lot and i like to discuss deep philosophical concepts and the "psychology" of humans. (if you couldn't tell I'm a 'misanthrope')And talking about societal constructs and all that stuff... not many people like talking about that stuff.

a good way to describe me would be Lain but mentally Dr house. in the sense of dislike of just about everything and my attitude towards others and life its self.

I don't know why I am the way I am... I truly am a miserable person, i have my moments but I honestly am, and I make others very miserable just by more or less existing with them.

This blog is kind of apart of my journey to becoming something else, I think self discovery would be the wrong term but the closest set of words I can think of too how I feel.

some more personal stuff...

I am incredibly lazy, not to the point of not showering or never leaving bed but more "surrogate activates" - Ted K, or meaningless and basic tasks/activates, I don't really participate in class due to the fact i somehow know most of it (I'm ignorant too) I don't really like doing things like- actually this is hard to explain but the best way i can describe it would be doing this that have to value to me or my future.

I don't have a problem connecting with people but I find my self ALWAYS not actually caring for them or there feelings. I don't believe at this point in time I could name more than one person I really care for. I would label this a selfish but its not like to treat my self any better. maybe that is how i punish my self, any insight on this topic would be much apricated.

I seem to have sort of desire for Control - i think this because i love just watching people listening and anticipating what people will say, do, think, act, its some sort of game for me (i really don't know how to put this) and id have to say 80% of the time my guess are correct, i am a ""master"" of determining and analysing humans, its really weird and i don't understanding where or even how i developed this skill from. i often find my self using this to just piss people off and see how mad i can get someone (i mainly do this online).

A lot of human thinking and reactions piss me off, I hate how some people think and interact with this world i don't seem in some case even understand why these people are like this i s just know and know that they are. I'm not sure if i wish to be like them or for "them" to be like me.

I truly am a troubled and misunderstood person.

one may conclude that I'm autistic or have some other form of genetic/ mental illness, to that i say, are you fucking retarded... do you understand anything in this world or that of the human mind?

Maybe you do, if so please critiqueme and tell me why i am me.

I have been tested for Autism and ADHD, both Negative not sure by what margin although.

My best guess is that i am simply "hyper realised" or some other buzz words - or are a lot of people this way...???

Just been reading and editing this massive ass post, there are so many other things i could go on about, like the government, being clean, family, longing for societal escape, tictok, but you probably don't care just as i wouldn't.

Any way enjoy my weird blog i guess if you read this and where not turned away. lol

-last minute add don't know where to put this but i love tcc cause I'm "obsessed" with there minds, motives and stuff like that.

[truecrimepromiseversion2]

Disappearance of Beverly Sharpman

Beverley Sharpman circa 1947 (The Doe Network)

Beverly Sharpman

Physical Description

Full Name: Beverly Sharpman

Date of Birth: December 10, 1930

Race/Ethnicity: White/Caucasian

Sex: Female

Height: 5′0″ - 5′6″ (60 inches - 66 inches) (152.4 cm - 167.64 cm)

Weight: 100 - 180 lbs (45.35 kg - 81.65 kg)

Hair Color: Brown

Eye Color: Brown

Nicknames/Aliases: Babe

Distinguishing Characteristics

Hair was long and wavy

Family

Mother

Father

Brother

Misc. Info

Worked at a clerk job in downtown though she resigned from it the day before she disappeared

Was going to be a senior at Overbrook High School before she disappeared

Case Information

Age at Disappearance: 17 (92 if still alive as of April 23, 2023)

Missing Since: September 11, 1947 (Missing for 75 years as of April 23, 2023)

Location Last Seen: Philadelphia, Philadelphia County, Pennsylvania, USA

Location Last Seen on Google Maps: https://www.google.com/maps/place/39%C2%B057'09.3%22N+75%C2%B009'54.8%22W/@39.9525839,-75.1652215,17z/data=!3m1!4b1!4m4!3m3!8m2!3d39.9525839!4d-75.1652215

Case Classification: Endangered Missing

Dentals: Not Available

Fingerprints: Not Available

DNA: Available

Clothing & Personal Effects

Gray or Brown suit or dress

Brown in Black shoes

Flush Colored stockings

Earirngs

Suitcase

Circumstances of Disappearance

Beverly was reportedly last seen at the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad Station at 24th and Chestnut Streets carrying a suitcase and sent her parents a telegram telling them she was leaving home to marry and not to worry. She was never heard again. The day before her disappearance she appeared to be troubled and wanted to tell her mother something but later changed her mind and her mother decided to not press her about it.

Unidentified Person Exclusions (NamUs)

https://www.namus.gov/MissingPersons/Case#/7034/investigations (30)

Misc. Info

The Text of the Telagram: "Got married. Leaving town. Will not be back. Don't worry. Babe."

Police labeled her a runaway but they still searched for her

Beverly had taken $175 dollars from her savings account

She had told coworkers that she was going to Chicago and while she has relatives in Chicago, those relatives reported that they never seen or heard from Beverly

Beverly had no boyfriends and none of her friends know of any men in her life nor of anyone she would eloped with

Authorities had checked marriage-license bureaus in all 50 states but didn’t found any evidence that Beverly had married

There were many reported sightings of Beverly in cities all over the United States after her disappearance but none of them were confirmed

Her parents published advertisements in newspapers in attempt to appeal for to contact them but she never reached out.

A theory is that she ran away because of an illegitimate pregnancy as it was a heavy stigma in the 1940s though nothing found support that theory

Contact Information/Investigating Agencies/Contact Agencies

Philadelphia Police Department

Agency Case Number: 2010-16-028710

Agency Contact Personals

Detective Viviana Reyes

Detective Valarie Miller-Robinson

Agency Phone Number

215-686-3093

215-685-3252

209-937-8377

NamUs

Agency Case Number: #MP7034

Agency Contact Personal: Regional Program Specialist Katherine Pope

Agency Phone Number: 817-879-9357

Agency Email Address: kpope@rti.org

National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC)

Agency Case Number: 1148707

Agency Phone Number: 1-800-843-5678 (1-800-The-Lost)

Sources/Further Information/Places of Interest

https://charleyproject.org/case/beverly-e-sharpman

https://www.namus.gov/MissingPersons/Case#/7034/details

https://www.doenetwork.org/cases/2220dfpa.html

https://www.missingkids.org/poster/NCMC/1148707/1/screen

https://www.websleuths.com/forums/threads/pa-beverly-sharpman-17-philadelphia-11-sept-1947.61173/

[snufstar]

If you think joining tcc is an excuse to errrr.... checks notes.... disrespect victims and errr.... checks notes..... be a weird edgy loser, GO OUTSIDE!!! TAKE A FUCKING SHOWERRRR!!!! We have a VERY hard time empathizing with people, but guess fucking what? THAT'S NOT AN EXCUSE TO BE A FUCKING CUNT!!!!! And don't start crying and whining about Ohhhh it's my special interest I can't help myself 😢😢 YES YOU CAN REATRD! Yesterday when we heard what happened, we discussed it with our boyfriend. We told him new stuff when we learned about it, IN A RESPECTFUL WAY!!! We didn't fucking cream our pants and twirl our hair BECAUSE 4 FUCKING PEOPLE DIED AND SEVERAL WERE INJURED!!!!!

IT'S NOT HARD TO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING NICE TO SAY!!!!!

[vivaldisspring]

Due to popular demand (5 people asked me), I shall tell the story of how I married my TC

LONG READ AHEAD – THIS IS 7 PAGES ON MY WORD DOC

Hi TCC! I’m Anissa, I’m 27 years old, but I’ve had dumb tcs since I was 11 because of whatever the hell is deeply wrong with me. Before I start, I want to point out how very lucky I was to be surrounded by sensible, responsible, righteous adults as I grew up, so that I was never exposed to any danger – and I’m including adults in the tcc, as I was around here when I was a minor as well. I hope, if you are a minor, you understand that my story is a college story, everything happened between adults (and it started when I was 21), and absolutely nothing that I will say here applies to a high school setting. To be completely honest, it is not exactly any advice for a college setting either, as you will see that I have sorely regretted a lot of my actions and they have led to people getting hurt (mostly me). Even when it comes to professor-student relationships, I would still advise you to not act on your crush, or at least wait until you’ve graduated college. Had I done that, I would’ve spared myself a lot of headache. Also, I do believe as you get older, large age gaps get easier to deal with.

PART 1: JAMES (my crush)

I was 18 when I started college as a History major. It was 2015, and due to issues with my family that I’m not going to go into, I was severely depressed. I soon dropped out of college, spent some time away, and returned in 2017 (20 years old) as a Foreign Languages major this time. So, at 20 years old, I was still a freshman, which to me was super embarrassing, but oh well. Mental health first.

That’s when I met James (not his real name). He was a professor at my university, mainly teaching English. (I do not live in an English-speaking country, so English here doesn’t mean literature in English, but rather the actual language – reading, writing and listening skills in English). James was in his mid-thirties back then, I think, had gotten his PhD and a professor job at my university not too long before. The way it happened is, he published on the department’s Facebook page a notice that he needed an assistant to one of the English classes he taught. His only requirement was, the student needed to have finished the course with the highest grade. That was my case, as I had taken that course the previous semester (with a different professor). In my university, when you’re an assistant to a professor in any class, you get credits. I wanted credits, so I emailed him expressing my interest. He said great, come by my office next week at this time, and we can talk about it.

I went to his office as we had agreed, and that’s when I first met him in person. We talked for a bit, I thought he was very nice, and we agreed I would be his assistant in that specific English class. As his assistant, I was present in all of his classes, I helped take attendance, set up the projector, organize the desks/chairs, prepare the assignments, hand them out, grade them if necessary, answer any questions the students might have, etc. It was a Reading Comprehension class, so I also selected texts in English that I thought would be a good fit for him to assign to the students. This meant that we spent a lot of time together and we had a lot of contact outside of class, discussing plans for the course and solving problems that showed up. We would meet earlier than the time the class started, and after the class ended we stayed together for a while too. I didn’t have a crush on him immediately – it developed throughout the semester, because I guess of our growing proximity.

Now, let me tell you. When the crush did develop. I was OBSESSED. It was INSANE. I’d had crushes on teachers before, in middle school and in high school, but NOTHING LIKE THIS. Those crushes paled in comparison; they were reduced to jokes. My crush on James CONSUMED me, mind, body and soul. I don’t think I can stress this enough. I was a MESS – it was so deep, so strong, unlike anything I’d ever felt before. I thought about him every single minute of every single day. I planned every single one of my actions around him. I dressed for him, I got into credit card debt from buying expensive/pretty clothes that might appeal to him, I started a diet so I could lose weight for him (I was the thinnest and unhealthiest I’d ever been during that time), I started doing exercise (I would go jogging for 2 hours straight) also to lose weight, I wore short skirts, I showed cleavage, I put on more makeup than ever in my life. I wrote poems and songs for him, I overanalyzed our interactions and his very micro expressions, every word that he said. Every praise from him was like the highest high from the most powerful drug – the tiniest word of perceived disapproval was enough to render me suicidal. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING. I hesitate to call it a crush. It was an ILLNESS. I stalked this man, I stalked him online (I found out everything I could about him and his friends and family), I stalked him physically (I would wait outside his office, at a reasonable distance, for him to come out - sometimes I would go up to him and talk to him, sometimes I would just walk by him and wave, pretending it was a coincidence we were in the same area, sometimes I would just watch him walk up to his car and drive away. I wrote down his license plate and looked for his car everywhere I went. I found out what neighborhood he lived in, and I used to go there in hopes that I could find out his exact building by checking parking spots for his car, and maybe I could also run into him there?). I found out he had a girlfriend and stalked her too, and I compared myself to her to the point of insanity. I shed literal blood, sweat and tears, I dedicated months of my life to this sick obsession, and this sick obsession ONLY. This was all I had. Guys, I did things I can’t even speak of here, because they were too wrong, too petty, quite frankly too embarrassing to admit even to strangers on Tumblr. That’s how bad it was.

I couldn’t regret it more. I think, being severely depressed, I considered this crush my lifeline, and I poured my soul into it like it could save me from darkness. But it was darkness, it was awful. And the worst thing? James didn’t deserve to have to deal with it. He is actually a good guy. I’m pretty sure he noticed how I felt, but he never once took advantage of it. He kept his distance, kept everything professional and ethical, never made advances, never did anything inappropriate, and reacted to my inappropriate behavior very well. He knew I was depressed, he tried getting me into therapy, but there was only so much he could do.

Looking back, I feel my crush on James as something of a curse. I was cursed with it – and it still lingers to this day, I still feel the pain from having been burned alive by these feelings even though I’ve put out all the flames by now. I’m fine, I’m better, 6 years later I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been… but I still shake at the sight of James. I still feel like I can’t quite breathe, even though I’m happily married now and most of the time it’s like James never existed. If I run into him, I can’t say it’s not a blow.

I hope one day I can get over him completely. I wanted to tell you guys the James story because I don’t want this to be simply a “omg I got married to my tc, if I did it you can do it too!!” kind of post. I don’t want to encourage anyone to go after their tcs like I went after James because it DOES NOT END WELL and I know better than anyone how unhealthy a teacher attachment can be. I still love to hear all about your tcs and your cute interactions with them and I so relate to how you guys feel, the good parts and the bad parts, I’m absolutely not judging anyone and I love this community so much. I even write tc/age gap stories, I’m always looking for books, movies, fanfics, etc. I love the trope, I love it. But I can’t lie to you – this particular experience in 2017 screwed me over hard.

Okay. I hope that was enough of a cautionary tale. Let’s move on.

PART 2: MARK (my husband)

So I was James’s assistant in that class, and then in some others. Whenever possible I would also sign up to be his student in courses he taught. This lasted for all of 2017 (the height of it) and 2018 (got slowly better, he was no longer the center of my universe, but I still loved him).

And in the meantime, I met Mark (also not his real name), another one of my professors. While James was in his mid thirties, Mark was in his late forties (which was older than my preferred age gap). The Foreign Languages major at my university focuses mostly on English, Spanish, and French – while James taught English Comprehension, Mark taught French History (actually the exact course title is more specific, so I’m not going to name it, but it’s basically French History).

Now, remember how I said my first choice of major at the university was History? (I was persuaded to change it, I regret it, let’s not talk about it.) At that point, I was still very much a History nerd, and French History was my jam. You can still go back to my posts about Robespierre (love of my life) from 2013/2014 here on the archive to this very Tumblr account. So needless to say, I knew an awful lot about the French Revolution going into Mark’s course.

Fun fact: the first time I enrolled in one of Mark’s classes, I thought absolutely nothing of him, but I did know one thing – all of the department offices were shared by two professors, and James’s office was shared by Mark. So on the very first day of class with Mark, he (Mark) was like “guys, I forgot some papers I wanted to hand out to you, they’re in my office – would someone be so kind as to hop in there and get them for us?”. (Office was located very close to the classroom) I was a shy student who almost never spoke in class or volunteered for anything, but when I tell you I JUMPED OUT OF MY CHAIR and practically yelled over another student was already offering, I was like “I’LL GO, I’LL GO, DON’T WORRY PROFESSOR, LEAVE IT TO ME”. I knew James would be there because his class had ended just before Mark’s started. Mark thanked me and so off I went, happily. James was indeed there, working on his desk. I knocked on the door, “Hi professor, may I come in? It’s just that Mark asked me to pick up these papers right here, don’t mind me, thank you so much, hope you’re doing well, see you next class?”. It was such a short interaction with James, but it MADE MY FUCKING DAY.

One week later I dropped out of Mark’s course because arriving on time for his class was getting in the way of me spending more time with James after his class.

Yeah. The irony.

I only saw Mark again on the next semester, when I enrolled in his class once more and there was nothing keeping me from finishing the course. We got closer as time went on precisely because none of the other students even really knew who Robespierre was, and I not only knew his name, but all of the names of the main French revolutionaries and the specific radical/moderate groups they were part of, and exactly their role in the start of the French Revolution leading up to their death. I was not new to being the teacher’s pet – most of my professors loved me at that time, so I ended up being an assistant to many professors apart from James, and Mark was only another one of them. I never had a crush on Mark. When I tell you he meant nothing to me, even though we were so close and we got along so well and had so many interesting conversations about the French Revolution – still my obsession with James was deep and I didn’t have eyes for anyone else.

So how did it happen, you ask me?

One day, Mark and I were having such a good conversation, it ended up lasting longer than we anticipated. We were talking, I was walking to the bus stop, he was walking home because he lived so close to the university and he didn’t have a car. He actually rode a bicycle to the university, but that day he just dragged his bicycle with him by his side so we could keep talking. We decided to stop at a food place and grab something to eat. And we kept talking. Conversation just flowed really naturally with us, and it was kind of a relief to not have to overanalyze everything I say and everything he says. I could just talk about History, I could just fangirl over Robespierre (Mark totally gets it, he thinks Robespierre is awesome too), I could just be myself. I didn’t have many friends at the university, no one I could really talk to and just have a good time with, so Mark was a godsend. We ordered food, kept talking, argued over the bill, then resumed heading towards our destinations. I had long passed my usual bus stop, but there were many stops I could go to, so I just decided I’d take the bus on the one closest to Mark’s place.

At this point, there was definitely a vibe already, we were both going out of our way to keep spending time together. I’m not sure what inspired my actions here. Maybe I wanted to forget about James for a while. Maybe I wanted a chance to make James jealous somehow. Maybe I just wanted someone to be into me, since James clearly never would. So I made up an excuse to go up to his apartment. We spent some more time together in his balcony, overlooking the city, and then out of the blue he’s like:

“You know, James broke up with his girlfriend.”

I was SHOCKED. I was SHAKEN TO MY CORE. I swear to God, I wanted to scream, I wanted to jump, I wanted to dance. I was SO HAPPY. But I couldn’t do any of that now, could I? So much was going through my head. How did Mark know about my feelings for James anyway? (Why else would he say that??) Was I so very obvious? Had James mentioned anything to him? What about the vibe between Mark and me? WHAT WAS EVEN GOING ON?!

I tried my best to not let out my hysteria over the news that James and his girlfriend had broken up. I tried to say as nonchalantly as I could:

“Oh, really? What a shame. Why did they break up?”

“She had an abortion, it seems, that he didn’t agree with.”

Guys, I can’t even describe the turmoil inside me. I’ll be honest, it affected me so much I don’t even remember what I said next, or what he said, or the rest of our conversation. The next thing I remember, Mark and I were making out on his couch and then the rest is history.

Okay so. Mark knew I liked James, not him. I knew Mark himself had just gotten out of a difficult relationship – he had lived in France for a while and had been in love with a French woman. When he returned to our country (he had to, because of his job at the university), she came with him, they had plans to get married and have children and everything. But she wasn’t able to adapt to the new culture and to being away from her family, so she broke up with him and went back to France. There, she got back together with her ex, and soon she was pregnant by him. Mark was still grieving that, he was still very much in love with her. So basically, I wasn’t really into Mark, Mark wasn’t really into me – we were both aware of that – and we started something of an ~~affair~~ (sex, it was just sex, friends with benefits at most) having agreed that it would be nothing more, considering our feelings for other people.

And like that, it stayed, for many months. And then, I don’t know. I guess when we were together, it was hard to keep it just sex, because we got along so well. We had so many of the same interests (e.g., French Revolution), and other things we introduced to each other – he got me into so much 80s/90s music, I got him into horror movies. We also found out we both loved Nietzsche, so we started reading Nietzsche together, and it was SO productive. He helped me understand so much of what Nietzsche wrote, that now I consider my readings of Nietzsche when I was 16/17 to have been useless, I didn’t GET IT AT ALL. And (he says) my thoughts on what we were reading helped him deepen his understanding as well. I started spending a lot of time at his apartment, and we just had so much fun! Also the sex was amazing

Eventually, we decided to give it a try. We just made sense for us to date, right? If we were attracted to each other and we were the best of friends, literally what was it about James and French Lady that was so important to keep Mark and I from moving on with our lives? Especially when French Lady was already married to another guy, and James was just not interested in me no matter how hard I tried to be something he might want. It made sense to at least try. So try we did, and you know what? Best decision I ever made.

PART 3: JAMES/MARK (how it ended)

James and I were supposed to work together on a project. It wasn’t a class this time, just a separate academic research project. It was the perfect chance for me, because it would give me even more time to spend with him. But honestly. What was the point? James didn’t want anything with me. This was crystal clear. And I was trying to move on with someone else. The topic of the research wasn’t even something I liked to study (it was no French Revolution!), it was literally just an excuse to spend time with James. And that didn’t seem fair, considering I was dating Mark now. So I decided to drop out of the research project.

But I’m not going to lie to you guys. I still loved James very much, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. In fact, it was so hard that I kept putting it off, I kept delaying it, to the point I kind of ghosted James for a little while. I was so paralyzed by the prospect of giving up on him completely. And you don’t ghost someone on a research project, that’s shitty academic behavior. (Mark didn’t know about any of this, by the way. He still doesn’t to this day. I had stopped talking to him about James, because well, awkward, right?)

So one day, I decided it was time. I can’t ghost him any longer. I wrote a James a LONG (!) email, explaining why I had ghosted him (I blamed it on my depression), apologizing profusely for dropping out of the project, complimenting him intensely, and then, finally, asking him if we could maybe meet for coffee one of these days, I would like to give him a hug. Remember, this was a LONG email, and it ended with a question (can we meet in person?). Two days later, I get an answer. I don’t remember it word for word (it hurt me so deeply, I deleted the whole email exchange 5 minutes after reading it), but it was something in the lines of:

“Hi, Anissa. Thanks for explaining. Don’t worry about it, I completely understand. I hope you can get the help you need.

Best regards,

James”

I don’t think I need to explain how painful it was to receive an answer like that, after I had opened up so much to him in long paragraphs, and expressed a desire to see him. And as I got that answer, I started to ask myself why the hell I even wrote such a long email, why the hell I even asked to see him (said I wanted to HUG HIM), when I was dating someone else. In hindsight, that was an asshole move on my part. I guess James thought so too.

I don’t know if James knew about my relationship with Mark. When it comes to James and Mark, the truth is they never got along. I only found out as Mark and I became more intimate and he felt more comfortable confessing that he hates James, always has, and James hates him right back. They both avoided being at the office together. Mark thinks James is stupid, James thinks Mark is arrogant. And since I was Mark’s student, we kept our relationship a secret all along, and I’m sure Mark never told James anything. But who knows? Maybe he found out another way, maybe he guessed it. Maybe he doesn’t know at all, he just answered so coldly because he was angry at me for ghosting him on his project.

Guys. Ever since that email… I never talked to James again. We saw each other from a distance plenty of times at the university, and hell, I even took one of his classes again (it was mandatory, there was no way around it). It was 2020, during the pandemic, so it was all on Zoom, and I never had to say a word to him or show my face on the call. I took the online quizzes, and at the end of the semester I submitted a paper I had written for the final assignment. I received feedback from him saying the paper was excellent. It gave me a little bit of joy, as his praise was does… but also, a little bit of disgust. I know everything that went wrong between me and him was my fault. But I’m only human, and I can’t help it, I resent that email. I resent it a lot. I stopped talking to James partly out of respect for my new boyfriend, partly out of hatred for James and his stupid fucking email that broke my heart into a million pieces.

Flash forward to 2021. Mark and I were better than ever. One day, we’re like, you know what, if we get married we can probably save up on health insurance (I could be included in his health insurance, as his wife, and I was at that point without any health insurance at all). So I told my mom, “by the way mom, Mark and I are getting married for health insurance reasons”. My mom was over the moon and decided to plan the whole wedding. At first we wanted something small, but my mom went crazy and did something bigger than we planned (still small, because pandemic, but bigger than we wanted – there was an actual reception with my closest family and friends, back in my hometown). It was cute. Though I hate the pictures because I look so fat in my wedding dress. Being with Mark, I gained weight again, because he makes me feel loved me whether I’m thin or fat, and quite frankly fat is healthier for me. I still carry the harmful fatphobic feeling of inferiority from back when I was losing weight for James though.

2021 is when I should have graduated, but the truth is that when I had a crush on James, I fucked up a lot of my class schedule (remember how I dropped out of Mark’s class just to be able to spend time with James?) to make it work in favor of my obsession with him. And then the pandemic happened, which delayed my courses even more (we lost a whole semester there). So unfortunately, I only got to graduate last year, 2023, at the old age of 26 (awful, terrible, I hate it, I feel like shit for it, especially because it was my fault, my depression that kept me from college in 2015/2016, my sick obsessive crush that ruined my life in 2017/2018, and it was 2019 when I was able to start healing).

I’ve been married to Mark for 3 years now and it’s been THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE. I’ve never been healthier, physically and mentally, and I love him so much, and we have 2 cats, and I love my cats, and our little family and our little home.

Sometimes I feel guilty that I don’t feel (and never have felt) for Mark what I felt for James. But I think this is a good thing in the end. I think it’s the reason why my relationship with Mark is so good and so healthy. Because what I felt for James was an illness, not love. And I love Mark for who he is as a human being, NOT as a teacher. James was my teacher crush through and through, it was always about his position, his authority, his praise, his reproach, his distance, his inaccessibility – never about his friendship. Because as much as I might want to fool myself sometimes, we never were friends, we were always teacher and teaching assistant.

I’m gonna end it on this note: last month (December 2023), I presented my final paper (a research paper every student has to present in order to get their diploma by my university). For the final paper, most of the professors in the department are present to watch you speak and present your research findings. So that was the last time I saw James – he was there to watch this semester’s graduating class present their papers. He watched me present mine. When I got up on stage, he was sitting directly in front of me, facing me in a way that made it almost hard for us not to stare at each other. I was deeply affected by his presence. I don’t even remember how my presentation went, I was so conscious of James being right there in front of me. When I finished, I was congratulated and complimented and praised by almost every professor in the department, they all had loved my research. All except one. James didn’t say a word to me. I didn’t say a word to him either. At a certain point we were pulled into the same circle of conversation, but we both kept quiet, let other people speak, looked away when our eyes met, and made sure to walk away in opposite directions as soon as possible. I have no idea why he’s being like this, whether he hates me for ghosting, whether he hates me for being with Mark, whether he just doesn’t care about me at all and never has. I just don’t know. I’ve been trying my hardest not to care too.

Anyway. This was a ride. If you made it this far, I LOVE YOU. I may need to go cry now.

[v0dk4-f31n]

tcc makes me wonder if my cousin’s school’s shooting was discussed on here

[redeliminator]

heyyyyyyyy

she/her // 26 yes, I might be the oldest one in this community. no, I don't really care how old you are as long as you don't pull any weird shit. this is my space for zero day, elephant (2003) and the dirties (2013) brainrot. I've been on tumblr since 2012 but my mutuals deserve some peace there so here i am

disclaimer: im fine with tcc as long as it's about the research. factual discussions are cool. BUT it doesn't mean I won't follow you or talk to you if you post something that doesn't fall under this category. it's the content that I don't interact with, not specific people, so you're welcome here regardless of what you're interested in. I will never judge or hate on anyone because of what they post, this is your blog and your space and I will not interfere with it.

minors can interact, I trust that you know what to expect on a blog like this. this probably goes without saying, but this blog does not condone any of the violence associated with these topics.

[coffin-hopping]

BLOG INTRO !! ( ´ཀ` )

yo, I’m ray/lopez/adrian

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HOMESTEADING INFO

— TAGS —

writing: #rays.fountain.pen

yapping: #rays.forked.tongue

drawing: #rays.crayons

deranged Malevolent ramblings: #malev.posting

stuff about Arthur Lester I’m too embarrassed to main tag: #arthur.posting

talking about racism and my experience as a brown man on tumblr: #ray.being.brown.n.angry

vent tag (contains a lot of discussion surrounding csa so block that tag if you don’t want to see that): #ray.vents

— ABOUT ME —

𖤐 names i go by: ray/raymond, lopez, angel, ricky, gage, coff, adrian, (and more to be added!) (go wild with this one)

𖤐 agender, trans

𖤐 they/it/he (I mostly prefer “he” and “it” rn)

𖤐 bisexual, aromantic, aceflux

𖤐 mexican-american

𖤐 agnostic

𖤐 minor (adults are allowed here ofc I don’t mind, but I ask to have my boundaries respected

— MY lNTERESTS —

𖤐 I love writing, playing guitar, drawing, and fashion

𖤐 SHOWS: Workaholics, What We Do In The Shadows, Blue Eye Samurai, American Dad, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Bojack Horseman, Futurama, Breaking Bad, Gravity Falls, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

𖤐 MOVIES: Jennifer’s Body, Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, The Menu, Hereditary, Scream, Saw, Kill Bill, American Mary, Little Nicky, Scary Movie, Elvira, The Endless, Beaches, Mermaids, Beetlejuice

𖤐 MUSIC: Deftones, My Chemical Romance, A Perfect Circle, Insane Clown Posse, Kendrick Lamar, Isaiah Rashad, Queen Latifah, Mars Argo, Orgy, A Skylit Drive, Kreayshawn, Lil Uzi Vert, Death Grips, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dystopia, Tyler The Creator

𖤐 GAMES: Danganronpa, The Sims, Sally Face, Fear n Hunger, Life Is Strange, As Dusk Falls, Call of Duty

𖤐 OTHERS: Jerma985, Malevolent podcast, Frenemies podcast

— BLOG BOUNDARIES —

𖤐 radfems and terfs just know that I hate you specifically, I will fist fight all of you at once idgaf — same goes for any of y’all who rb or repost that shit, you are my enemy and I WILL fist fight you

𖤐 any bigotry is not gonna slide here (queerphobia/exclusion, ableism, misogyny, racism, etc.)

𖤐 ngl I don’t rlly care if you’re a “proshipper” or an “antishipper” or any of those labels just. no fighting bc I find that corny asf, I dabble in taboo stuff sometimes but I don’t personally consider myself a proshipper👍

𖤐 I don’t fuck with creepy shit. I’ve seen pedos on this site and I’m not gonna stand for that. do not fucking interact with this blog if that’s what you’re here for.

𖤐 this section isn’t necessarily a dni but I am so fucking serious when I say do not interact with my blog if you are a tcc (true crime community) blog or someone who is in that circle. I don’t care if you “don’t condone” bc the amount of racist teenagers in that community is actually ridiculous😭

𖤐 don’t be an asshole, essentially. we’re here to chill and have fun and some of y’all are allergic to that apparently.

𖤐 spam liking/rb is okay lol don’t stress about it

𖤐 if I am uncomfortable with something I will say so, otherwise don’t stress about how you interact with me, any engagement is appreciated + I’m not discomforted easily

𖤐 interacting with my vent/personal posts is fine too! I don’t mind

— MY lSSUES BC I LOVE OVERSHARING —

𖤐 addict

𖤐 eating disorder (FULL RECOVERY MADE!!!🖤)

𖤐 borderline personality disorder

𖤐 lactose intolerant (it’s getting notably bad but I’ll die before I become a beta almond milk drinking cuck) (I have to beat the soy boy allegations you don’t understand)

𖤐 ocd

𖤐 autism

𖤐 ^ selective mutism

𖤐 glasses-haver (lost them and now I get headaches all the time hhhhh)

I stand with Palestine .

fuck all cops .