#tbh that fact is also a problem when trying to discern

[lokh]

so periods can give u back pain huh.....

[swarmishstrangers]

feed us with mspar headcanons 🙏🙏

you get extra purple sprinkles if you do mspar headcanons with marvus

[[ explodes ]]

Oh. OH YOU WANT MSPAR HCS??? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?? HUH!!?...Ok teehee :}c

🍀Has a genuine caffeine addiction, not even playing. It's not so bad where they'll legitimately freak out and turn up the house if they don't get it, but they will get a KILLER, BRAINSPLITTING, headache from caffiene withdrawls + fatigue. Something they want to fix someday! But god...those headaches are hard to get over for them. They're supplier is, of course, Galekh. He really spoils them with the good stuff. He figures, what's the point in drinking coffee if it isn't the good kinds? He doesn't kick up a fuss if they ask him for a bad of whatever coffee grounds, he'd like for them to try. In fact, they bond over it actually.

🍀Kinda not great with comforting..with words! Their friend could have just vented to them about something that leaves them sobbing and Mspar, the fucking dumbass, kinda just there and is like, "Damn..that sucks, I'm sorry." They don't mean to sit around and twiddle their thumbs! Obviously, they try their best to comfort their friend, they just aren't always the most eloquent with their words so sometimes what they say can come out kind of strained and awkward. Much better with comforting people physically with hugs, rubbing their back, or letting them cry into them if needed. They just don't always know when they should deploy it? Cause trolls are so finicky and unpredictable to trying to gauge when it is or isn't okay to just be like, "Bring it in buddy, it's okay.." And go in for a hug or something. They think they're at least pretty good with discerning this for their closer friends.

🍀INCREDIBLY FUCKING LUCKY. Even outside of the initial control of Doc Scratch, and sure in some endings they die or it goes in a way it wasn't, otherwise? They're lucky. While there's definitely some existential stuff going on with them and who they really are, what they would be without their friends, had Doc Scratch not have been controlling them to some extent from afar..would they have ever really have even made any of the friends they did? They still consider it lucky to have even ever had them in their life. Outside of that, holy shit, how they survive some of the situations they do or are able to bounce back as fast as they do can be WILD to both trolls and humans. What they can they say? They just can't stop winning!

🍀Doesn't like working out tbh, they hate feeling so out of breath, they hate that taste of copper after having been running around for a while, that burning, itching sensation they get that feels like ants under their skin, etc. But catch them dead ever admitting it if it means that they can keep spending time with their more active friends, (Nihkee and Stelsa). Besides, in the end they know it won't kill them...er. Well, at least the jogging won't. Also it keeps those ROCKING legs in shape!!

🍀Did I mention having existential problems? I forgot to add they also deal with depression and dissociation problems smh.

🍦<- Be prepared to give me those sprinkles. Apologies in advance again, gonna try my best to characterize Marvus the best I can?? Aughh. Mspar I feel like, after a while, is one of those few people Marvus can trust to really let loose? Not as though he doesn't, but just like. More. He doesn't feel the need to look as pretty, to let those muscles relax (cause never really is, he's just really good at coming off as though he is lax). This feels GREAT if he was on a tour for weeks and he can just come back and be in the presence of someone who'll let him just chill out for a while. Pad Thai anyone?

🍦His sugar baby, his glucose grub, his uh. Insert other troll term for sugar baby. Jk!! Sort of..Marvus definitely gets them shit, and in return instead of something sexy, he gets their friendship cause DAMN Mspar!!! You pale friendslut!! You give them some cheap food and they're appreciative as fuck. But then again, they never ASK him for anything, they hate feeling like their mooching (even though they totally are and their friends don't gaf).

🍦Marvus sometimes does stretches, yoga poses, or these pretty contortionist poses. Mspar sometimes joins him for the stretches and poses part (hurt their back even TRYING to do the poses he does so effortlessly). While he's doing the more contortionist poses, sometimes Mspar gets stuck to places or tries on some places of his body. Think like..He laying down with his lower/middle back being bent with his long ass lanky legs in the air, then you got Mspar being airplaned by being held up by his feet. Adds a pressure to his body that he tends to like.

🍦OHH and uh, i've got one more for ya. Gonna admit, I don't know too much about chucklevoodoos or powers purplebloods tend to have, but um. Mspar has that ADHDtism, their mind is NEVER quiet. Always thinking, always running, so many thoughts, so many overlapping voices. It can be a real headache when they're just trying to rest but their brain is still active. I imagine on days when they're hanging out with Marvus, he can just..well, it's easy to tell. Cool fingers press to their head, rubbing over warm skin, claws teasing, biting as he scrapes them lightly over their scalp. Maybe he's humming with no real rhythm, but it's pretty all the while. They feel something be pushed, like their mind is being grabbed and like glass, something get's crushed (metaphorically), and when that hand opens it's palm, it's like all the sand in that dome runs out. And for once. They experience quiet.

[autisticandroids]

1, 5, 13, 15

1. From one to five stars, how would you rate your writing? (No downplaying yourself!)

so i write what i want to see so of course i rate myself very highly. like, i think my content is pretty unique, and the reason that's true is that my tastes are pretty unique, and i write first and foremost what i can't get from other people. so i'm, i guess, very pleased to read and reread my own fics, because i enjoy the content and the way i use language.

i would dock myself for three things:

first, i'll take off a half-star, because i'm constantly trying to write these extremely opaque, unreliable narrators, and that's a really hard line to walk, so i tend to end up in one of two pitfalls: on the one hand, i'll end up saying too much and it will fall flat, or on the other, i don't say enough, and there are whole layers of meaning that even the most discerning reader would be unable to access. this is actually why i wrote that director's commentary for i fold in half so easily: i wanted to explicate my meaning, because the artistry of the fic (i.e. the need to characterize cas well by making him an unreliable narrator of his own suffering) was at cross purposes with the analytical nature of it - the need to explore the potential problems of a post-canon relationship scenario that i think are not touched on in most fics. so i essentially wrote two fics: a fic where art triumphs over analysis, and an explicatory essay where analysis trumps art. the director's commentary is nearly twice as long as the fic on its own.

second, i'll take off a half star for like. occasional cringey awkwardness that i don't know how to sand off. there's a lot of sex in my work and usually that's fine and i integrate it well but sometimes it can end up awkward and stick out like a sore thumb. and there's some other stuff that's occasionally awkward too. and i'll leave stuff in because i don't know how to excise it even though i think it's rough and don't know how to fix it. which is also partly to do with like. most of the sex stuff in my work is intensely and intentionally unerotic, but it's still sex stuff, and a lot of the people i would usually go to for writing advice are people who i would not necessarily people i would want to make read my porn, so when i struggle with those bits i have less help. it takes a village to raise a fanfic and all that. also sometimes my stuff can just get ridiculously overworked to the point where i can't see it anymore, and i end up with awkward bits and pieces. also, this is like, a specific to spn gripe: i have NEVER successfully nailed crowley's voice. not even once. this isn't a huge problem in my published fics but i have some wips with crowley in them and they're a MESS because like. who is this man. what makes him tick.

lastly, i'll dock a full star for what i see as probably the biggest flaw in my writing: i am incapable of writing long pieces. i struggle with producing with consistency and in any great quantity, so if i want my fics to be manageable in terms of like, actually writing and finishing them, they have to be short. and this has been a limitation on me for years! i've learned to work around it! i've learned to pack a lot of punch into very little space! but it's still a grave and terrible limmitation. like, if i had more space to play in i would do much better job with like, showing and not telling, and unreliable narrators, and demonstrating the world we're in, and etc etc etc. like fundamentally the fact that i write slowly and painfully really hamstrings my work.

so, a respectable three stars.

5. What’s the fic you’re most proud of?

i fold in half so easily. definitely i fold in half so easily. i'm still kind of amazed that it's as good as it is, tbh. like it has flaws and awkward bits but it's like really good for what it is.

in terms of non-spn fic, the thing i'm most proud of is probably either just like. participating in like just an incredible amount of trek rarepair swap back in the day. like not the individual fics but the fact that i was in it so much. but if you want an actual fic, i'm pretty proud of george smiley's wikipedia page, because it was fun to play with that as a fic format. like, thinking about what the general public would actually know and find relevant, and how that information would be arranged and phrased and cited.

13. First fandom you ever wrote for?

death note [pensive emoji]. on ffn, even. when i was like, fourteen.

15. What’s the weirdest fandom you’ve ever written for?

well, i've written a couple of fics for call for the dead (1961) by john le carre. i wasn't the first person in the tag, i was the second. but, you know. mystery novellas from the sixties don't usually have an ao3 fandom, even when they are technically in the same series as much more famous spy novels from the seventies that have been adapted to screen twice.

[alterofnaught]

What do you think of Kokichi's lies? Do you think he's a compulsive liar or that he just lies for fun/to get what he wants?

Apologies for being extremely long winded about this answer but I have a BS in psych so I love psychoanalyzing characters and my thoughts are kind of complicated on it. Mostly just because I think just calling it compulsive lying often causes people to ignore the purpose and intent behind Kokichi’s actions (which a lot of people do and act like you can’t discern any of his motivations because he’s a “liar” which I disagree with). And I think it also insinuates he only lies because of that and ignore the many reasons he does tell lies. But I do think there's an element of both to it if that makes sense. 

While it's pretty much impossible to tell completely in just the main game canon if his lying is an actual psychological issue solely because there is a genuine reason for lying (like abuse victims and cheaters are not compulsive liars they just end up telling lots of lies because of the situation and you could say that is the case in a killing game as well). But bonus modes pretty much confirm that lying is absolutely part of his personality even without the pressure of the killing game. But the fact he both lies for fun and lies for a reason are what make it hard to pin down. Nor is it something that is readily agreed on as a term at all since it's not in the DSM-V and there are varying definitions for what qualifies as compulsive lying at all. Compulsive lying is also a trait of lots of other disorders but those you literally could not diagnose him with based on how little we get in my opinion (for example ADHD which is a popular headcanon and I think it makes the most sense out of any major diagnosis associated with lying but still not canon in anyway just a pretty good headcanon) . 

Lots of the lies he tells are for a reason which some psychologists say compulsive liars don’t usually have. Compulsive liars lie out of habit. Which he probably does to an extent but there is purpose to most of them. Especially since a majority of his lies are about his talent and organization or the game itself. Which have definite purpose to them. Like the conversation he has during introductions with Shuichi always makes me laugh actually because like… it’s a secret organization of course no one else should know about it and why on earth would a leader of it just tell you about it. Lying about a secret organization just makes sense, that’s kind of the whole point of it being a secret. And while he does tell more outright lies, he isn’t the only one who plays up their talent or lies during his introduction. Being grandiose in a situation where you are with 15 other Ultimates that are also larger than life and have a talent that is supposed to be so incredible the country searched you out for it… really doesn’t necessarily mean he’s trying to play himself up for no reason. It’s a pretty impressive sounding Ultimate Talent for what he really is so it makes sense to lie about honestly. And his exaggerations about his organization seem to reflect more on his childish personality more than some need to sound self-important (since he never seems to be seriously insulted at all when he gets questioned on the matter) as well as him just keeping DICE a secret since it's supposed to be one. Even in UTDP him lying about his organization makes complete sense to me (and some of his Salmon Mode preferred answers actually make it seem like he thinks his lies about DICE are ridiculous/stupid which is why I think he makes it sounds over the top and evil so people just write it off and ignore it which is a solid strategy tbh). 

His lies in trials are usually setups to get others to slip up or drag the discussion to where he wants it to be. It’s excessive but just seems to be more of a comfort zone where he knows how to navigate things like that and at the same time can hide himself as someone who knows too much. Which again there is definite purpose and intent in those lies. 

Purely compulsive liars are not necessarily known for being manipulative or cunning and Kokichi can be both of those things. He does lie for gain and to fulfill his plans which makes it seem to be a bit more than just a compulsive habit. Manipulative behavior is more associated with what some categorize as pathological liars (or no difference but again this isn’t a set standard across psychiatry at all). Pathological liars lie for gain but often have very little empathy. That doesn’t fit Kokichi to me because despite his flaws he is incredibly empathetic. Which is something I’ve definitely seen people not understand about him because people confuse kindness for empathy. Kokichi can be a massive asshole which people equate to not caring about others feelings. Which is sometimes true. But empathy is more about being able to understand other people's feelings which Kokichi actually has a very strong talent for. He recognizes the feelings in his classmates quite well even if he doesn’t approach them kindly. He can tell how Kaede feels, he recognizes Kirumi’s desperation, calls out Himiko, and in that conversation with Miu he fully understands her feelings of wanting to escape. It’s part of what allows him to have Gonta and Kaito go along with his plans, he understands their emotions and can easily tell the way they will act based on them. He isn’t mean because he doesn’t care about others emotions as much as he is mean to get certain emotional reactions (that typically benefit him but also sometimes others or the group as a whole). 

Pathological liars also tend to hate the truth and hate being called out on their lies or just straight up believe their own lies. He also does not seem to hate the truth more just recognizes the truth is not always a good thing. There is no denying he respects the truth since in every trial he absolutely cares they get the right answer (minus the 5th of course). He also uses the truth as a weapon just as much as his lies at times. Like when he pointed out Kaede pushing the group too far or Himiko’s attitude to Tenko. Saying the harsh truths that other people are afraid of saying are just as much part of his arsenal as lies. The comic anthology isn’t canon necessarily but like I did find it interesting that when they were all trying to trick the Monokubs that they had to try and physically stop Kokichi from telling Monotaro (I think) that he was lying. So that definitely makes his lying a bit unique in that he seems to have no problem in calling himself out on lies. Which he does almost constantly in canon and Salmon Mode as well. He is incredibly nonchalant about being called out on lying from others as well. I also don’t think he fully believes his own lies even the one about enjoying himself in the killing game. 

In the bonus modes he lies for fun and because it gets him reactions he wants (it’s not really for personal gain or manipulation in Salmon Mode or UTDP). It still seems very purposeful to me and something he enjoys doing (the line about how he likes lying more when hanging with Shuichi for example or how his conversation with Celestia in UTDP makes it pretty clear he sees lying as a fun game). He hates being bored and loves outwitting people and just playing around to see peoples reactions in general and lies are the perfect tool for that. 

But there are some things I think point to it being a psychological issue still. His line to Kaito before he died about how he had to lie to make it through the game really makes me feel like there is more to it than just him messing around. It's definitely not just a tool for him to use others but one he uses as a coping mechanism for himself. And Keebo’s conversation with him in UTDP about how his lies keep people at a distance adds credence to the idea that he does use his lies to shield himself from other people in any kind of situation. So I also think it isn’t just for fun or to get what he wants but for his own benefit as well. But it’s not something he feels he needs to change as we can see in his Harmonious Heart answers or even his spiel about lying in the Ch4 trial- he sees it as a part of him. 

While he doesn’t ever get much of a detailed backstory in canon. He does have that line to Kaito about how they have very different backgrounds which I feel heavily implies that whatever his background was was lying made it easier. I don’t necessarily think he had a “sad traumatic backstory that explains away his shitty behavior” I do think it's at least implied he grew up in an environment where lying was beneficial. And Danganronpa making such a deliberate reference to a TV show about orphans with a clown motif with DICE makes it seem like him being an orphan is hardly a large leap. He also jokes that he wouldn’t be missed a few times which again is nothing definitive but hints that he doesn’t necessarily have a background of super normal/healthy relationships (DICE is also insinuated to be essentially a found family for him which isn’t a typical situation for most people). 

So I guess part of the reason I’m reluctant to just call it compulsive is because that insinuates it's uncontrollable and I don’t know if there is evidence that he simply cannot handle things any other way. His harmonious heart says he could but doesn’t want to. But there is definitely enough there I think to say that it absolutely is a defense/coping mechanism that he uses to his advantage in addition to just enjoying lying because it's a fun game to him. But also he says he hates liars and lies so often it makes me feel like he recognizes lying can absolutely be a bad thing and that he is self-aware. 

So my TLDR answer is kind of both? Like he definitely lies a lot of the time for his own gain and childish enjoyment of it but also uses them to hide his true self and intentions as well as shelter his own emotions. And it’s not necessarily the healthiest thing for him or people around him so I don’t think it should be written off as a non-issue at all. But the term compulsive liar and how it's typically defined doesn’t really cover his super complicated relationship with lies for me. Because in the end he was written to be “the embodiment of a lie” so it makes sense his lies have multiple and complicated reasonings behind them. I mostly shy away from calling it compulsive because of the insinuations that it is “out-of control” and I don’t necessarily think that's the case. Compulsive lying is just too loaded of a term without a clear agreed upon definition for me to like using (even though I don’t necessarily think its wrong to say it could be classified as such). I personally feel like calling it a coping strategy that can be maladaptive fits better. I don’t think his lying is always inherently a bad thing but there is no denying its not the best thing either. He does it because he both wants to and needs to and feels justified in it as well which is why I wouldn’t categorize it as something he has no control over. (End of excessive rambling because I could go on about how blurry the line is between a behavoir like lying being “normal” and harmful because that is a whole other thing I could go on about)

[tabby-shieldmaiden]

I have come back from hiatus to make one (1) post, simply because this topic has been on my mind for a while, and I need to get this thought out.

I’ve noticed that in discussions talking about feminist tropes, there’s a tendency to talk about what not to do or a tendency to talk about how something ended up being a feminist work because of what it didn’t do. Like. “Don’t sexualise your female characters”, “don’t just have her be some guy’s love interest”, “don’t have your only female characters be evil femme fatales”. So on so on.

And the stuff that isn’t a list of “don’t”s is all extremely generic writing advice. Like, “having multiple women in a story” not only isn’t applicable in every story (having too many characters in a story can be a problem), but there’s still a lot stuff to consider when talking about how to even develop all those characters that goes beyond “stuff it with multiple girls”. “Write women with complex motivations and agency and so on and so on” is decent advice, but that’s only because that’s good advice when writing characters in general. That’s like telling people about the basic principles of art when they ask how to draw better flowers. It’s likely that they already know about this, but there’s something specific about drawing flowers that’s tripping them up, and they would like some advice about how to do that particular thing better specifically.

So, which brings us to the question: why do people, even other women, tend to have issues writing other female characters? It’s easy to blame it on internalised misogyny, but there’s also other issues at play here, I think. And I have a couple of theories on it.

The first is because a lot of people’s ideas on what is a female character tends to be, well, underwritten, if not poorly written. The archetypes that they have in mind are of things which would make a lot of writers uncomfortable to work with if they care about making art empowering to women. And you can see it in that genre of post that’s like ‘there needs to be more female characters who are like [insert archetype typically associated with male characters]’. Which, don’t get me wrong, I support, if only because this type of thing results in more types of female characters for all to enjoy. But it does show at least one reason why people who care about making art empowering to women might still have trouble writing female characters. Because their prior experiences with female characters have not been all that great. And that colours the way they view the writing of female characters.

And honestly, I think the solution to this is if we could also have more conversations about how to reclaim certain misogynistic female archetypes, or of what archetypes typically seen in male characters we would like to see more of in female characters. That would be pretty fun imo.

The second is that there’s lots of contradictory opinions at play here. And that’s because ‘what makes a good female characters’ is something that more or less everyone who really cares about stories has thought about at one point or another in this day and age. (Or at least it seems that way tbh.) And some people give a generic answer of ‘one who has agency and unique motivations’, some people give specific answers like ‘I like women who aren’t sexualised and I don’t know if you can write sexual women in a narrative in this current day and age without making her for someone else’s consumption’. Or ‘I like women who are sexual in a way where they own their sexuality, because I think that slut-shaming is a pretty awful thing and female characters should be allowed to be sexy or sexual because that can be empowering to some women, especially if the art in question is also made by women’. Or ‘I like soft and motherly and girly women and I feel like people tend to brush aside female characters with these qualities because femininity is undervalued in our society and that makes me upset’. Or ‘I like women who aren’t feminine in the slightest and I think that pressures women face to be feminine are harsh and gnc women need to be told that they’re alright just the way they are’. And all of these are points which different people would agree with or disagree with to differing degrees.

And ultimately, I’ve gotten quite a lot of experience writing women and thinking about writing women, and I have all my opinions about what makes a good female character and how to write women laid out in my head already. But a beginner writer, who maybe hasn’t spent half their life thinking about female characters, but still cares about making art empowering to women, is gonna walk onto the scene and get overwhelmed trying to appeal to everyone’s demands.

(And there’s also the fact that not all advice is created equal and bigotry of other sorts may flow into writing advice, intentionally or no. It’s hard to discern what advice is unintersectional when you’re starting out, especially when there are concern trolls [like terfs, white feminists(tm), abled feminists(tm), etc] out there.)

I feel like, why this has become an issue is because there’s still an underlying assumption that one story should be able to appeal to all women everywhere. And that there’s certain narrative that women will like, and there’s a certain narrative that women will not like. So all advice gets seen as equal. Which isn’t true at all, because by virtue of all being different people with different life experiences, different pieces of art and different narratives are going to resonate with different women.

And so. I guess my conclusion after this bigass infodump is... there’s probably more conversations we could have about how to write better female characters. But most of them start with thinking about what’s not working and trying to come up with solutions for them. Instead of stating what’s not working and leaving it at that. I think now, it is a time for action and doing instead of not doing. And sure, 90% of the female characters and the art that’ll come out of trying and experimentation will be trash, but that’s the case with most art. It doesn’t mean that it’s not worth doing, or that the trash won’t find their audience anyways. The issues that I brought up, why women also have trouble writing female characters, they can’t be solved by women learning everything not to do. I think they can be only solved if we encourage women to write the type of female characters they want to see, regardless of whether or not it fits everyone else’s tastes.

In conclusion, in 2021, let’s just write the girls that we've always wanted to see, regardless of what anyone else thinks!

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

aight aight, real shit; let's say you got the chance to rewrite the entirety of gossip girl exactly how you want. make a brief description of what would happen in each season. (you can decide whether there's a fourth season or not)

oh i LOVE this ask, and i am so flattered to be asked this, haha. i have SO many thoughts, i’ve been thinking about this non-stop, but i’ll try to be as brief as possible. also, disclaimer, i don’t remember all the seasons equally clearly. like i barely remember s2. haha, whoops.

season 1: i love this season as is, for the most part. i think the tone of it was actually very serious and involved? like the show was actively trying not to be frivolous with heavy topics, and the way we were getting to see the characters seemed like they were trying to bring out character depth and the complexities of their lives in very deliberate ways. nate’s whole thing with his parents gets so much focus, and it’s not something the show glorifies, it’s something that is meant to make you uncomfortable and worried for him. 

i would have nate be less of a dudebro, jenny & nate’s friendship being a little more solid, dan being a little more involved in jenny’s problems + helping her find her space, vanessa/nate to happen earlier - after nate breaks up w/ blair and realises she looks happier, i would have him not try and get back with her (lol, dude, the fact that she’s happy after breaking up with you means you probably shouldn’t be dating her.) more exploration of eric’s mental health. more dan and blair friendship. i would keep chair the way it is this season. i would not have a derena breakup - i’d have them take a break after the georgina reveal and get back together during the summer after talking about it and deciding to be more honest & open with each other. and, what the hell, i would have lily not blame serena (???) for being taken advantage of in the whole pete fairman situation. serena wasn’t sober, she was 16, that dude was in his 30s, georgina was taping her w/o her consent. how is any of this serena’s fault??? i hate lily’s reaction so much.

season 2: i... don’t remember enough of this season, sadly. it’s been too long since i watched it. i would majorly change jenny’s arc here, though. eleanor stealing her dress was majorly, majorly fucked up, and i think jenny should’ve done something then and there. also the whole thing with ‘lily is a mother to chuck’.... i would’ve loved it if lily had been like that to jenny. the girl needed it, and lily would’ve actually been able to help jenny establish connections in the professional world and whatnot. i think jenny should’ve transferred out of constance - not necessarily homeschooling maybe, but gone somewhere else. unlike dan, she didn’t even want to get into an ivy, she wanted to make it big as a designer. so. that. 

oh nate my love. i’d get this trainwreck of a boy some therapy. while i hate that the catherine thing happened, things like that do happen all the time, and i’d be interested in sort of handling the aftermath of it in a responsible way. i would not have... a lot of serena’s arc and decisions (from what i can remember) were really random in this season. i’d have her break up with dan at some point. and vanessa would need a new subject for her short film, and she’d choose serena.

nate doesn’t really date anyone, this season. but he and jenny open up to each other abt having gay crushes on people who treat you like shit - jenny’s thing with agnes - nate rescues her when they’re taking those pictures in her flat and let’s say she doesn’t go back to agnes. instead of kissing her, nate talks to her instead, and tells her about carter, tells her about chuck. and jenny talks about her feelings for blair, her feelings for agnes. and both of them sort of go... “it sucks, but all we can do is try not to become the kind of people we hate, right?”

dan pines for nate. majorly. massively. obviously. i think the only person who really notices is blair, and this would lead to new hijinks and shenanigans. also!! i do not want chair in s2. maybe it can go there for a bit but definitely not to the extent in canon. i want blair to have the same moment of being unable to deny her cruelty / needing to be accountable that she did in that ‘age of dissonance’ play. and. this sounds fucky but i want the dan/rachel stuff to stay as it is, and later, in s4, for dan & serena to talk about rachel & ben respectively and be like ‘hey, this was a fucked up thing to happen to us, wasn’t it?’ 

i would also like to get to know blair’s “minions” better as people. i mean. they all seemed hella fascinating to me, and the show’s decision to make them superficial and unidimensional was very depressing.

season 3: hot garbage, throw canon away. when chuck goes away to paris or wherever, let him not come back. goodbye, dude! dan, blair & vanessa friendship at nyu is so, so important to me. also im losing my mind always at how vanessa and serena catch dan on that walk of shame and they’re both like ‘college is a time for experimentation!’ and nobody does anything even slightly bisexual (unless you count that threesome later, which, blah.) a serenessa / date dynamic in college would’ve been great. dan transferring to columbia like blair does and rooming with nate and just, the gayness of it all. dan & blair become really, really close, and d&b&v watch movies + go to art exhibits together and are all SO DAMN PRETENTIOUS. serena finds it sexy, nate finds it terrifying. 

the william stuff would be interesting if he were actually held accountable. like that man has no right being a doctor, and medical malpractice needs to be brought up. and jenny’s whole arc this season makes me so sad. i think it would’ve been interesting if she’d been a ‘queen’ and ruled alongside eric, and just, the two of them forcing people to be nice, sort of like they try to do with people who are mean to nelly in s2 i think it is? but also.. jenny out of constance is very good, and i think i mentioned that earlier, haha, whoops.

season 4 : serenessa breakup, for whatever reason, probably to do with the william fuckery, because i think vanessa would react in similar ways to nate (”serena, i know he’s your dad, but we have to do the right thing” / “it still wasn’t your call to make” / “he’s a certified doctor, serena, a man like that has no right -” / “god vanessa, you really don’t get it, do you?” ). uhhh i would actually... if i had to choose i would honestly go blairnessa >>>>> dair. i love how blair & vanessa can keep each other on their toes and hold each other accountable. like? blair’s classist or racist and dan’s just like, *smiles*. vanessa would actively be like ‘hey, stop that.’ (this is one of the few actual criticisms i have about d/b as a relationship, RIP.) 

(edited to add: yeah, i think blairnessa WOULD be a sustainable relationship, more abt that here! )

yes to the milo arc, but dan gets to keep milo (his friends threaten georgina and go all ‘you made him sign the certificate. don’t make us take you to court’ because i love these morally grey assholes but also because g DID trick dan into thinking milo was his and dan was ready to reshape his whole life around that kid which is more than georgina was willing to do. plus endgame: jack/georgina are not parents i want milo to have.) i would also have more of a rufus & dan fallout over the milo thing. i think rufus would be really nasty about it all tbh.

the dair arc for blair and vanessa! let the juliet stuff happen, but let it be less awful + let it be seen as Bad + let serena get help & not forgive her for it. let serena NOT date ben after, what the hell. i want d&s to talk about their shared feelings for high school teachers and to realise, in retrospect, as adults, that what happened was crossing lines. let blair and vanessa suddenly drop dan and do the movies + galleries stuff on their own. and dan’s like ??? but he’s busy being a parent with nate supporting him. dan’s drama is very much parenting things. there would be some nonsense involving nate’s family pushing back, because ‘we stood by while you dated him, nate, we thought it was a phase. but raising a child with another man? this is unacceptable.’ i would like nate to get disowned by the family, and need to find his own feet. and to get a REAL SHOT AT HAPPINESS away from that terrible environment.

season 5: i want this to be a good serena season. let her find her calling doing creative things. let her and carter travel the world. let her just be whoever she wants to be. let her and vanessa patch their friendship up. let her have an open relationship with carter, let her have a lot of sex with a lot of random people and not feel guilty about it. let her really really blossom. i want more eric! maybe he’s in london with jenny, and she’s working on her fashion stuff, and he’s realising that he really wants to be a counsellor. 

some time-skips, maybe. i really want to see dan’s whole thing of being a parent. sending milo to kindergarten and spending the whole time milo’s gone on edge and anxious about everything that could go wrong, while nate comforts him. let nate try to get a job because he no longer has a trust fund, and navigate everything that comes with that. let vanessa be there for him. why the fuck am i phrasing my sentences like this - can you tell that i studied physics once?? oh well.

blair & vanessa handling a lot of things. vanessa meeting harold!! vanessa’s parents being disapproving of blair, but ruby standing up for her. blair & vanessa planning their future properly. blair & vanessa babysitting milo and talking about kids. 

and there can be drama too, there should always be drama. but i would like wholesome stuff at the centre of it too, you know? the ivy/lola nonsense can go on in the background, i don’t actually care that much. as long as ivy doesn’t go around fucking people’s fathers for no understandable or discernable reason, i don’t really care lkdhlfdkhg. (it was just so inexplicable and so random!)

season 6: uh, i don’t know. this was a bad season for everyone in canon, except chuck. i would throw it all away. i would actually love if we had pre-series rufly instead: every time those two bring up their past together i’m like 👀 because it sounds like a dream. or focus entirely on jenny and eric and their life. i am obsessed with jenny and eric being... sort of queerplatonic, sort of like, best friends. there’s no romance and no sex between them (eric’s canonically gay, and jenny’s a lesbian because i said so) but i think the way jenny and eric are is very, very life partners in a way that isn’t romantic OR sexual. so they’d have a little place together and would support each other. and just. what are they up to now? also. kati, iz, penelope, hazel, nelly... what r they doing now? one of the few things i actually liked about s6 as it was was that nelly was that reporter and that she’d found her people in yale. nelly yuki getting a happy and fulfilling ending and being a successful woman was so good and we actually got a little bit of that. i’d like more of that, for the rest of the girls, you know?

[destinyc1020]

Sorry, I can’t deal with the narrative change people are doing with Jacob. People definitely were acting upset because Jacob was “shading” Tom and it stems from the fact that the Twitter folks like to hate on him now (along with Tom’s other ppl). And he says people don’t care about him because when he tries to interact we people they bring up Tom so much and were also at one time trying to pry him for TZ info (like ppl did Kamil). So one day he went off on people and that out him on their bad list. It was literally like a switch and suddenly the Twitter stans hated Jacob. To say he’s ungrateful because he won’t let people use him to get to Tom is wrong. And what truly weird things has he done become he didn’t become “weird” until calling people out that first time. The problem is a lot of stans seem to be in the mindset that they should just sit there and take it and not stand up for themselves (and they also think they know Tom better than people who actually been around him). It’s happened with him, Tuwaine, Kamil, (a pattern?) and members of T’s family. Many stans have no boundaries and that is the issue.

I def agree that I don't think that Jacob is particularly a bad person. I just think his experiences with fans (stuff we may never even know about) has made him a little on edge at times.

And while I do feel that he could definitely use some guidance from a friend in this area 👀, I don't think it's really that far-fetched to believe that someone just might be a little tired of fans only asking about their friend, or trying to pry private information out of them about a friend's relationship. I mean, can you really blame him (or Kamil, or Tuwaine, etc) for being a little fed up with some of the fans in the fandom at times? 🥴

Tbh, in addition to wanting to keep her life private, I sometimes wonder if this is also yet another reason why Z keeps everything so close to the vest, and doesn't even act like a "normal" friend with Tom in the public eye at times lol 😆 😂 Sometimes ppl are just fed up with fans only wanting to know ONE thing, or those who only ask you about a certain "friend" or whatever. I'm sure Kamil gets tired of getting questions about Zendaya too rofl 🤣

I just think that after a while it gets a bit OLD.... Who wants to only be liked by "association"? 🥴

But when the celebrity or friends of said celebrity back away or don't want to talk about some topics anymore, then the fans turn on them and call them "jerks", or "rude", or "standoffish", etc, when really it's probably not really that at all. 🥴

Just putting out an alternate pov here that's all. 🤷🏾‍♀️

I agree with you that some fans really need to use discernment sometimes, and really put themselves in the shoes of some of these ppl, especially when it comes to mean tweets. 😔 These celebrities are just human beings. I just feel like even we ourselves might be surprised by how we might react if under that same treatment and level of scrutiny and pressure.

Just saying....🤷🏾‍♀️

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Tommy

Ali: I am SO glad this holiday centres around drinking beyond reason

Tommy: Me too, like, But why are you?

Ali: I wouldn’t even wanna get into it if it weren’t for the fact I couldn’t with her

Ali: Obvious clue is obvious

Tommy: Oh darling, Kitty, what’s she done now?

Ali: It’s not even what she’s done

Ali: It’s her total lack of desire to try

Ali: I know I shouldn’t take it personally and it’s symptomatic of the bigger picture

Ali: But that’s the problem, it’s so hard to watch, to see it so clearly when she has no front to put up

Tommy: Yeah, it always puts a lovely, thick layer of extra dread onto my homecoming

Tommy: the regularly scheduled updates are bad enough & it’s not like I can do more for being back under the same roof

Ali: Oh God, please don’t start, it’s like no one wants to be here, pure depressing, like

Ali: That’s how I ended up feeling, it wasn’t like she wanted to come but you know, anxiety, strangers etc

Ali: Because my suggestions to alleviate those problems were shot STRAIGHT down

Ali: So she just doesn’t want to

Ali: but not just that, I should feel like shit for going and leaving her alone...which put like that, should I? I don’t even know now

Tommy: Honey, fuck that! I’ve had to veto Fi going full Elphaba on all our faces so that diva maybe this close to not, but there’s no stopping me, Will, Gwen or Steph 🥳🥳🥳

Tommy: she’s getting worse, I dunno what any of us are meant to do

Tommy: other than being certain that I’m not gonna let you have an utter shit time

Tommy: That’s what she wants, that way you’ll stay with her forever 💀🥀🕷🕸

Ali: Nice to hear some genuine enthusiasm, which is fecking ridiculous considering this is apparently every fucker’s fave holiday as standard, I swear everyone but Da is in a right mood atm

Ali: Thank God that everyone’s gotta let tourists be tourists for the 💸🤑 or your mates would need some serious babysitting 😏

Ali: Little green men is fully my groupies’ aesthetic so you’re welcome to out yourself any time, like

Ali: I dunno, I mean, she’ll be alright won’t she? It’s a fairly long sesh, I know…

Ali: Hence my life’d be a lot easier if she’d come for a bit but there we go

Tommy: My honoured guests have got it in spades & buckets tbh 🧶🧚‍♀️🍀🎩🌈 dress up is already well underway just can’t let ‘em also start 🚗💣🍺🥃 or they won’t last to see it in

Tommy: cba to stick in it a 🍼 you know

Tommy: how many groupies you got now? Only 👏 while it’s still underground, avant-garde & super niche, naturally

Tommy: What’s she got planned? Other than putting a 💔 hex on you and Carls

Ali: Sensible

Ali: And not in a scrooge debbie downer kinda way

Ali: Found out the tents for yous to sleep in but I’m taking ‘em out first

Ali: 🌄 are calling, obvs

Ali: Naturally 🙄 just don’t click instead that shit is TOO pretentious even for your lot

Ali: She said she was WELL busy, but you know, the usual I imagine 📚💭

Ali: Drew won’t pay her no attention way too busy with the tourists etc 💸🤑

Tommy: 👍 cheers 😸👼 you are

Tommy: 🍀 are calling, is what you mean

Tommy: 🙄 be a waste of a 🙏 I know it’s 1 of her other highly rated activities, like, but still, I don’t need to imagine the two of ‘em getting together rn

Ali: They make NO sense

Ali: Unless his thing is dating a girl like his sister, in place of the standard wanting a mum 2.0, which understandably is not his vibe

Ali: Suspect don’t cover it but we’ll see

Tommy: It’d make more sense if I dumped Will for Fi & suss wouldn’t cover that & that’s a NO from us all

Tommy: Excuse you whore! That’s Meena slander

Ali: You know what I mean though

Ali: Where did this come from, like 🤯

Tommy: 🤯 over straight boy behaviour since forever

Ali: I usually find them so boringly easy

Ali: not the brag it sounds

Ali: I’d rather get her again… I’d know what to do, before

Ali: It was safety, for her and us

Tommy: Before she would’ve followed you anywhere, you can’t keep her safe if she ain’t even gonna try to meet you halfway at anything

Ali: Like you said, nothing to be done, I suppose

Ali: At least today

Ali: I’m going to mass with her, she’s helping to set up, it’s something

Tommy: & I’ll squeeze in a 1 on 1 for me & her before I leave 🩰👒🎹🎤✨

Ali: Tah

Ali: If only getting people to spend time with her was the issue

Ali: Be fully booked if she wanted

Tommy: But like you said, it’s something & if anyone can talk her out of an unsuitable romance, it’s me 🧚🏼‍♂️

Tommy: don’t have your track record

Tommy: there’s at least a chance she’ll take my advice about doing better than a dealer 🤞 now I’ve got myself the “happy ending” of decent hair & only petty crime

Ali: None of my romances have been unsuitable

Ali: You underestimate how discerning her taste is when it comes to other people’s partners

Ali: He might not be Carly levels of demon but don’t mean you’ll find a nice word to be said, like

Tommy: put your claws away, Kit, talking Ro’s POV, Carls is my angel

Tommy: & I guarantee I’ve heard worse than she can dish from the other bitchy ballerinas who couldn’t get their 💅 in first

Tommy: simply not quaking, sorry

Ali: Just saying, if it were that easy, it’d be done by now

Tommy: just saying, I’ve not taken a turn yet

Ali: If there’s any day for luck…

Ali: It ain’t one where she’s decided to be in the worst mood ❌���

Tommy: I’ve only got the weekend, like

Ali: I understand her a bit better than that tah

Ali: as well as the appeal of prohibition

Ali: the more everyone weighs in on her being wrong, the more bolstered she feels in how right she actually is

Ali: one fuckboy mistake she’ll have to learn from

Tommy: & I don’t? PLEASE 🙄 No notes needed for this performance

Ali: She always gets worse when Bea comes back

Ali: I’ll be the one dealing when you all fuck off again

Tommy: I know

Tommy: so let me deal with her this time, Will, Gwen & Fi have all been here enough & they’ve got each other

Ali: Sorry, the moods catching

Tommy: She can run but the house ain’t grown any new hiding places & I remember ‘em all

Ali: She’s still small enough to fit in all the gaps and cracks, you less so

Ali: Anything is worth a shot

Ali: The party will be enough, loads of my mates are coming, yours won’t get bored 🤞

Tommy: True but when she gets in one she ain’t got the strength to get to another quick as I can 🐁🩰

Tommy: yeah, yeah the party don’t stop when I walk out, I know ☹️😏

Tommy: & Carls isn’t just my angel, she’ll save that bit of the day if needs

Ali: Tourists love St Paddy’s

Ali: and no one does it better than da

Tommy: if I were gonna disagree it’d only be to annoy him

Ali: @ the family group chat for that hilarious bants, Tommo

Tommy: 🐻👈

Tommy: 1st time I’ve used those not as a euphemism? Oh definitely

Ali: Please, you’re a couple of 🧚🏼‍♂️🧚🏼‍♂️s

Tommy: Tah, Darling

Tommy: flattery will get you an invite to the next teddy bears picnic

Ali: Bit rude to Carly that you think that’s my type

Ali: no 🧔s here

Tommy: It’s not me trying drive a wedge, she’s invited too

Ali: Thoughtful 😏

Tommy: You shall go to the ball

Ali: Glass shoes is an idea… 🤔

Tommy: One way to keep hold of your drink or stop a fight

Ali: Me and my shoes are keeping well out of any more fights, fuck that

Tommy: What is your outfit plan then?

Ali: I’ve got all the material to construct it now, I think

Ali: See what it comes out like 🤷‍♀️✨

Tommy: Fi don’t believe you can top last year’s

Ali: I love a challenge and a chance to impress, obviously

Tommy: chop chop 😼

Tommy: shameless distraction tactic I’m throwing at you, who?

Ali: Christ knows I’m running out of time with the to-do list never ending, hey ho

Tommy: Same tbh

Tommy: we’d better get back to it 🧹🎃

Ali: Fuck being a middle kid, right? 💔

Tommy: Honestly

Ali: You know what you’re getting Rocky yet, speaking of the little shit

Tommy: Probably that bow with the glowing arrows that stick to windows & shit, he keeps seeing the ad & reckons they’ll fly over the house

Ali: Alright, going for 🥇 sib, fair play 👏

Tommy: Sure you’ll have me beat with whatever you’re planning

Ali: I’ll think of something

Ali: Once this is all out the way

Ali: If ma will let us, we’ll take him camping with his 🏹

Tommy: Once all the 🍬🍫🧁🎂🧃 hits she’ll be glad to be rid

Ali: not the baby though 🙄

Tommy: thank god for daddy’s girl, yeah?

Tommy: you’ll never lose that 👑

Ali: try as you might, yeah yeah 😉

Tommy: 😏

[daily-dose-of-imagines]

(っ◔◡◔)っ ♥ Matchup ♥

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★

Hi there!! how are you doing? I hope both of you are doing absolutely fine!! ^^

can i please get a match up; nanatsu no taizai/The Seven deadly sins and Naruto universe? thank youuu. 💛❤️💗🖤

im 5'6 and i LIKE to think im tall , because seriously im taller than most ;;. my myers briggs personality is INTP-T and im curvy to an extent. i have short dark brown hair that it appears black , and somehow has different shades of brown depending on where the sunlight hits , i also have dark dark brown eyes. 👀

im a cat person, and an introvert , i also dislike being outdoors .. im a calm person and is easily annoyed but i try to be patient nevertheless.

and when i get angry, get ready because a storm is coming , and (unfortunately or not) i own a pervert mind. not something to be proud of but it is how it is.

can i please get a match up; nanatsu no taizai/The Seven deadly sins and Naruto universe? thank youuu. 💛❤️💗🖤

im 5'6, she/them, and i LIKE to think im tall , because seriously im taller than most ;;. my myers briggs personality is INTP-T and im curvy to an extent. i have short dark brown hair that it appears black , and somehow has different shades of brown depending on where the sunlight hits , i also have dark dark brown eyes.

.. Im calm person and is easily annoyed but i try to be patient nevertheless and when it doesn’t work i get angry , im a somewhat selfish person by general standards , and it’s difficult for me to understand my feelings or emotions and just feelings in general though i try to empathize with others because people appear to need mental support rather than sense and trying to solve stuff. i guess i am impulsive but only when im feeling negative emotions , i get bored of things if they don’t interest me or aren’t living up to my expectations, which are quite high tbh. i try to tone it down , and sometimes i like to get into arguments not fights because i have never been in one. i can sentimental or blunt but mostly blunt.

what i like for in a partner is someone with a close mindset to mine, as i feel like that person might understand me and it doesn’t take me long to get comfortable around anyone but i can awkward , i have tendency to overthink.

so yeah , i hope it’s noy that much of trouble! have a nice day night or afternoon!! :))) ❤️🖤

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★

Hello and thank you for submitting with us, and I hope you see it, since I couldn’t tag you! But we are doing great, and I hope you are too! And I sincerely hope you enjoy the boys we pared you up with! I am so sorry this took so long!

>Admin 𝕋

★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★・・・・・・★ 

𝐼 𝓈𝒽𝒾𝓅 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽...

I choose you to be with the calm and quiet Neji as your boyfriend! For appearances, Neji will like the simple look that you have, with your dark brown, almost black hair, but he will also like the fact that it can change color depending on how the light hits it! And it’s the same with your eyes! He will love to see them go from dark brown to a light chocolate color! It will mesmerize him! And along with your body, he will find it very soft and supple, and will want to have you close to him at all times, so that no other guys will be able to touch you like he can!

Neji will like the fact that you are a calm person, someone that can discern the situation and is able to help them in a logical way, but can also empathize with them to a point. It is something that Neji is still trying to understand, and that’s why he likes it so much! Neji will also feel that you are a quite mature person, that wants tot help people and their problems but can also make sure when to stop when it becomes too much, and he will definitely like that part of you! If you are feeling any negative emotions, and would start becoming more selfish than is necessary, Neji will tell you what you are doing and then proceed to help you, so that you don’t go down the wrong path! It’s very nice of him to do so! He will also love the fact that you are blunt, because he will appreciate the honesty you would give him!

All in all, I see Neji as someone you can really relate to and someone that you wouldn’t feel so awkward around! Plus, he has a mindset that is close to yours!

I choose the smiley Meliodas for your seven deadly sins boyfriend! Neji is kind of on the opposite side of the spectrum compared to Meliodas, but they still have the same core that would really mech well with you! For appearances, Meliodas won’t really see your height as an issue, though he will feel a bit better about his own height, seeing as he won’t be one of the shortest people in the group! But he will really like your body; Meliodas will obviously like your hair and eyes, but the body is where all his worship will go! He will want to constantly be near it, touching it, and feeling the soft skin in his hands until he is completely, which will sometimes last for hours!

Meliodas is a happy and cheery person, but can become a very quiet and serious if need be! He will like the fact that you are a virtually calm person most of the time, but would find it very entertaining that you can get annoyed pretty easily, but will try to ease it and be patient. Yeah, he’ll just think it’s cute, and would to tease you, that will only make you more annoyed, it’ll just go in circles! He’ll understand that you try to be empathetic to people’s problems while also trying to be objective to it. Meliodas would have a problem trying to keep it objective, especially with the person that he loves! But he will try his best to understand it! Meliodas will try to make sure that you are happy everyday you are with him! He will make sure that you aren’t bored, and happy, feeling no negative emotions whatsoever! And when you do, he will make sure to make you happy again! 

All in all, I feel like Meliodas would be the perfect pair for you, because he will unflinchingly support you in whatever you do! He does have a mindset close to yours in terms of how you should treat other people, and differing opinions on other things, but that is pretty healthy! Most importantly, Meliodas will worship you, and treat you like royalty, like you deserve to be!

[thecoleopterawithana]

Hello, I'm the last anon you answered to. I'm sorry if I came out as defensive because it wasn't my intention. In fact I've always thought that John was bisexual until I started questioning everything. ( I'm a bisexual guy myself and I'm perfectly happy with the way I am ! ) It's just that I feel like Yoko would just say whatever she wants on John to suit her agenda. John's sexuality had always been an interesting topic and dropping something like that would gaib her publicity this is why I --

I question the authenticity of her claims. She could have lied about it just to attract attention… And I’d be disappointed because John was in fact my idol and he gave me the strength to come out as bi to my family. But there’s so many anecdotes about him being homophobic that it just makes me sad and this is why I hardly doubt that he was a bisexual man…As for the Cynthia quote I heard her say something like “ John was afraid of homosexuality just like everyone ) in a video on Youtube –

I am very conflicted because I’ve watched videos of John ( interviews etc ) and many comments said that he was very skilled at manipulating people and wasn’t as honest as he appeared to be, which is why I doubt. John had always been the rebellious type and I started thinking that he was using the bisexuality topic to shock and make people talk about it which is disappointing. Was he dropping hints that he was bi to piss off people and make publicity ? This is what I believe : (There is also -

Something he said to Alaister Taylor where he said that he was trying to spread the rumor that he was gay or bi just for fun and he told him that he would never shag a man because just the thought of it turned him off… Yet he also told him that he adored Brian so much that he would have done anything with him ( he contradict himself here. ) So yeah I didn’t want to be rude. I apologize. I think I need reassurance. Could you please analyse everything I said if u don’t mind please ? : (

-

Anon 2

At the very least all these years later isn’t it circumstantially suggested that John had very private gay encounters, and was uncomfortable making them public, yet wanted to hint at them so he could deal with this matter int he future? He was protecting his privacy and his ego, and perhaps wasn’t yet ready to reveal either his encounters or mixed feelings of bisexuality. His encounters have been protected by those with whom he was involved, people thameant a lot to him, no?

-

Anon 3

hey! by any chance, do you have knowledge of the quotes where john said “sex with girls felt like a performance after the first time” and “i was never sexually attracted to women before yoko”? i am SURE i’ve seen the first one somewhere on tumblr, though the second one is more of a quote of a quote so i’m not sure if it’s real or not dfkdjk thanks, anyway!

-

Anon 4

Hello! Is it true that John used to be very attracted to the drag scene in St Pauli ( I guess that was the town I read about ) and that basically the drag / gay scene made him feel comfortable and at home? Says a lot about him!

-

@tbhmarjj

I adore you, thank u for this blog and ur beautiful mind. i doubt johns bisexuality at times tbh considering he went to great lengths for publicity and he wanted to be an LGBT ally, be cool and outspoken and as he himself said it was trendy to be bi. but then again he was obsessed with Paul in so many ways and he was the embodiment of John’s ideal man. beautiful, talented, intellectual. I’ll be patiently awaiting ur posts exploring Paul’s views on johns sexuality.Thank u

-

Hello again, anon! 

I want to begin by thanking you for getting back to me after I answered your ask and for clarifying where you were coming from when you wrote it. It really is quite hard to fully get the tone of a written message, especially one that is so short that you have no context to draw from to get the emotional meaning behind it. It really appeared to me when I read it that the concern was not who was saying it (Yoko) but about what was being said (John was bisexual). I can now see that was not the case and I appreciate that you’ve made that clear. 

I also hope you don’t mind, but I’ve taken the opportunity to include in this answer all of the other asks I’ve been receiving regarding John’s sexuality. It’s clearly a topic of great interest in this community. So I’ll be attempting to address all the points raised here. Again, this is nothing definitive; only my personal readings of the situation as I find it at the moment.

Before I do answer, though, I’d just like everyone to take a deep breath and a step back. Let’s try to examine this topic a bit more objectively. 

I understand that sex is kind of major in our society. Our notion of identity is tightly bound to our classified sexuality and gender. Sexual relationships (or amorous relationships) are seen as the epitome of human connection and the ideal everyone should be striving for. And people fundamentally want to be loved and not alone, so it makes sense that figuring out who is a potential companion (and if that companion is interested back) is such a big deal.

But despite these layers of meaning and societal pressures, we should keep in mind what sex represents, essentially, from an evolutionary point of view. 

For social animals who derive pleasure from sexual stimulation, sexual intercourse is – like all the other kinds of affection – a way to build connections. 

If you want to find examples in nature, just look at our ape cousins, the bonobos. The also called pygmy chimpanzee lives in a matriarchal society where sexual behaviour plays an essential role in strengthening social bonds, lowering tension and keeping the peace. Bonobos don’t discriminate between gender or age (except between mothers copulating with their own adult sons, so as to prevent cross-breeding). It’s the true “free love” society; evolution took “make love, not war” and ran with it. 

Our own culture seems more similar to that of bonobos’ northern neighbours, the common chimp. Their patriarchy is more conservative regarding sexual intercourse, which is mainly used for reproduction purposes, and their power structure is based around intricate political games, where males form alliances and try to get public support in order to overthrow the ruling party.

I find it endlessly curious to look at these two species, whose physical separation by the Congo river made them diverge so starkly in their social organization, and compare them to the struggle between these same two natures that we find in our own society. 

All this to say that, from a simply biological point of view, I have to agree with John and Yoko when they say that everyone must be bisexual. If sexual intercourse as a social behaviour is, inherently, all about establishing bonds and connections, the extent to which those connections are “allowed” to be built depends entirely on the hierarchal structure that same society is trying to preserve. In other words, what is classified as morally right or wrong is more reflective of the rules in place to keep that society working as it is, than it is of what is naturally present as a drive. 

If your brain is primed to seek pleasure and sexual intercourse brings you pleasure independently of the partner’s gender, then the partner’s gender should be inconsequential.

But unlike bonobos, humans are kind of touchy about touching. So there are other levels of information influencing behaviour. The processes of socialization – of internalizing the norms and ideologies of society – and enculturation – by which people learn the dynamics of their surrounding culture and acquire values and norms appropriate or necessary in that culture and worldviews – are as determinant as the genetic factors influencing behaviour. In fact, this added education can be so effective in curbing your “primal instincts”, that one might forget they have them in the first place. 

Thus, the concepts of gender identity and sexual orientation are a constantly shifting construct based on the various interactions between your genetic makeup and social influences. 

I just think that, in order to have this discussion, it’s important to separate the various levels of it and be clear about which we are referring to.

There is the basic evolutionary drive to seek pleasure and form connections.

There is the social education about that same drive and how it is allowed to manifest itself.

And integrating all these different signals and information – various potentials which manifested as attraction – there finally is a behaviour, a choice.

And finally, there’s the external point of view of other members of society looking in and trying to discern other people’s drives and how they relate to their choices (that’s us now). The problem is, we often throw our own drives and choices into the mix, especially with regards to something as personally defining as sexual orientation. 

So we have to make very clear in our minds what is the end goal here. Why are we interested in discussing this topic? Are we looking to discern as much of the truth as we can get it, objectively trying to understand these human beings? Or are we trying to confirm our own projections on them? And please, don’t take me wrong. All these are valid reasons to be interested in a subject. Often how it resonates with us, so personally, is vitally important to reaching a greater understanding about ourselves and learning how to communicate that to others. 

But in the same way a piece of music can make you have a transformative emotional experience that the artist didn’t necessarily go through, it’s important to remember that our own inner-life might be affecting how we examine others. Better be mindful of what we project, lest we think are finally seeing inside another person when in fact we are only looking at our own reflection. (And honestly, I believe getting to truly know ourselves in this processes can be a hundred times more valuable than knowing the other. By learning to recognize ourselves we can better understand other people and vice-versa.) 

So if it is important to you that John is bisexual, my honest opinion is that all the information can be read in a way that confirms it. We’ll hardly ever know for sure, and based on what we do know, that can certainly be the takeaway. 

But if we want to objectively examine John’s sexuality, we shouldn’t bring in a confirmation bias. Meaning that we should be emotionally detached from the outcome, as long as it is as close to the truth as we can get. But this is only where I’m coming from, and I’m a bit of a scientist. It’s totally fair if you’re not in it for the same reasons. Though again, working under the assumption that you want to know my stance on it, let’s proceed.

I understand your reservations regarding Yoko as an unreliable narrator. To analyse Yoko’s motivations would be an interesting topic, but one which I will not go in at the moment as I don’t feel sufficiently informed about Yoko as a person to give an extensive examination.  

But in my opinion, there is a whole lot of other information available from which to draw from other than Yoko’s statements. 

I also get your and @tbhmarjj‘s concerns about John’s declarations during the 70s. But it’s the same question I posed in the previous post: Was the “bisexual chic” fad of the 1970s merely a publicity stunt for those involved? Even if it was, did it make the experimentations undertaken any less true? Were they just faking it for the press or were they finally allowed to try and be open about it? 

Because I come from the biological background that places sex as a positive social interaction like any other, meaning that its purpose is to create bonds and the pleasure is our “reward” for doing it, I tend to believe that the behaviours were genuine. The drive there is real. As real as the internal constraints that would act on them as a result of societies shifting expectations and permissions. And this socialization is as determinant in the creation of sexual attraction as anything. So based on our definition of sexual orientation, all those bi rockstars of the 70s could have effectively stopped identifying as bi once the new social norm overrun their own internal drives and the previous less conservative status quo. That didn’t make them less bi when they were. 

It’s funny, but in terms of gender and sexuality, nothing is real so everything is. 

So yeah, I think that John could have been bisexual the second he felt he was. But because the social tide was likely to shift, it was better to also maintain a measure of deniability: it was just for show, it’s not serious, I was just taking the mickey out of you and you fell for it! Of course John was smart enough to leave space there to retract. He and Paul had mastered the art as communicators through song. They could claim them to mean everything and nothing as it suited them. As Anon 2 says, it’s a protective measure. 

So I think that at some point in time, John genuinely identified as bisexual. Now whether he acted on it or not is another questioned entirely. As Anon 2 points out, there are various circumstantial accounts, but these are always tougher to verify. 

I tend to believe Yoko when she says:

So did Lennon ever have sex with men?

“No, I don’t think so,” says Ono. “The beginning of the year he was killed, he said to me, ‘I could have done it, but I can’t because I just never found somebody that was that attractive.’ Both John and I were into attractiveness��you know—beauty.”

I ask what she makes of the people outside the building, the crowds still at Strawberry Fields.

Ono misunderstands, or mishears (or is simply focused on the last strand of our conversation), and continues to talk about sex.

“I don’t make anything out of it. When you’re not really interested in that sort of sex, you don’t think about it. Both John and I surprisingly were very passive people. Unless somebody made a thing out of it, if they made a move, I wouldn’t even think about it.”

— in Yoko Ono: I Still Fear John’s Killer by Tim Teeman for the Daily Beast (13 October 2015).

At least I believe he at least never “fully” did it, in the sense of full-blown anal sex. I think there might have been “milder” homosexual interactions, such as handjobs, that could be rationalized as not entirely gay (the thing with Brian in Spain being one of them.)

Regarding the drag scene in Hamburg Anon 4 was asking about, I agree that it also provides information about John. Though I think it’s mainly about his gender identity rather than his sexual orientation (though the two are invariably linked in the construct as well).

Here are some quotes about it:

With his four months’ greater experience, Sheridan was an ideal guide to the Reeperbahn’s more exotic diversions, like the Schwülen laden. Stu Sutcliffe later wrote home in amazement that the transvestites were ‘all harmless and very young’ and it was actually possible to speak to one ‘without shuddering’. Though raised amid the same homophobia as his companions, John seemed totally unshocked by St Pauli’s abundant drag scene; indeed, he often seemed actively to seek it out. ‘There was one particular club he used to like,’ Tony Sheridan remembers, ‘full of these big guys with hairy hands, deep voices—and breasts. But they used to make an effort to talk English. There was something about the place that seemed to make John feel at home.’

— In John Lennon: The Life by Philip Norman (2008).

And according to Horst Fascher (bouncer at the Indra Club and the Kaiserkeller):

It wasn’t just girls that were on offer to young english rockers. Monica’s Bar was Hamburg’s notorious transvestite club. For one or two English musicians, Monica’s was just another part of the Hamburg experience.

HORST FASCHER: One night Monica said, “Come, come and look. One of your boys is in the séparé.” “And who is it?” And she said, “One of the Beatles.” “Let me look”. She said, “Be careful. Look only sneaky-like.” But I did. I grabbed the curtain, pulled it aside and there was sitting John in… in a position with that girl, and you know. He felt really ashamed and I said, “John, don’t worry man. I did that all before.”

— In The Beatles Biggest Secrets. [Transcription is my own and I’m not too certain of it.]

Though there certainly might have been an aspect of sexual interest to it, I think John’s fascination with the drag scene was also the kinship with the queerness he felt inside himself; mainly in regards to him wanting to express his more sensitive side, which is coded as feminine in our society. So I think seeing men indulging in femininity and nonnormative behaviour resonated with him.

Also, I think it’s even more important to understand John’s relationship with sex in general, regardless of the partner. 

To that end, the quote mentioned by Anon 3 is of special relevance:

When I was a kid, I wanted to shag every attractive woman I saw. I used to dream that it would be great if you could just click your fingers and they would strip off and be ready for me. I would spend most of my teenager years fantasising about having this kind of power over women. The weird thing is, when the fantasies came true they were not nearly so much fun. One of my most frequent dreams was seducing two girls together, or even a mother and a daughter. That happened in Hamburg a couple of times and the first time it was sensational. The second time it got to feel like I was giving a performance. You know how when you make love to a woman that the moment you come, you get a buzz of relief and just for a moment you don’t need anyone or anything. The more women I had, the more the buzz would turn into a horrible feeling of rejection and revulsion at what I’d been doing. As soon as I’d been with a woman, I wanted to get the hell out.

— John Lennon to Alistair Taylor (Brian Epstein’s assistant), 1965. In his autobiography With the Beatles: A Stunning Insight by The Man who was with the Band Every Step of the Way (2003).

And another important passage is in reference to Janov’s Primal Scream Therapy:

Well, his thing is to feel the pain that’s accumulated inside you ever since your childhood. […] The worst pain is that of not being wanted, of realising your parents do not need you in the way you need them. When I was a child I experienced moments of not wanting to see the ugliness, not wanting to see not being wanted. This lack of love went into my eyes and into my mind. […] Most people channel their pain into God or masturbation or some dream of making it. […] But for me at any rate it was all part of dissolving the Godtrip or father-figure trip. Facing up to reality instead of always looking for some kind of heaven.

— John Lennon, interviewed by Robin Blackburn and Tariq Ali for Red Mole (8-22 March 1971). [I really can’t stop pointing to this quote as one of the most important in order to understand John Lennon.]

As he reiterates in ‘I Found Out’ (1970): Some of you sitting there with yer cock in yer hand / Don’t get you nowhere don’t make you a man

To me, John’s pursuit of sex is, like most things in his life, essentially about filling this black-hole of emotional pain. He internalized the lack of love from his parents, which went into his eyes and mind, until he himself believed he was unlovable. This lack of self-esteem translates into a lot of pain and the need for an external solution for that pain. 

The external solution is not wanting to feel so vulnerable any more. This can be achieved either by trying to seize control, by exerting it over others or having them look up to you (e.g. “fantasising about having this kind of power over women”; “some dream of making it”). Or it can be achieved by handing control over and being taken care of (e.g. “people channel their pain into God”, “I’ve seen religion from Jesus to Paul”.)

Sex as an activity can play into these various dynamics: it can be used to feel power over others, as John started out; it can be used as an escapist distraction, like a drug (e.g. “you get a buzz of relief and just for a moment you don’t need anyone or anything”); and it can be used as giving yourself over and being loved, looking to receive that which you can’t get from yourself. 

As time passed and the first two solutions stopped working, I think John focused on the third: sex in the context of an emotionally close relationship as the ultimate intimacy and proof that he was loved. And because he wanted to absolve himself of responsibility, to be taken care of, his partner needed to be someone on the other end, someone who had control. In our culture, this reads as a masculine figure (e.g. “father-figure trip”). 

This may be from a female, whose masculine qualities were what attracted John in the first place:

In this intense, intimate and revealing original cassette recording of a private conversation in 1969 between John Lennon and Yoko Ono, the couple speaks primarily about Yoko’s past relationships, her music and art, and their random views on sex, love, promiscuity, and homosexuality. […] [Lennon] adds that he had never met an attractive woman that had sexually aroused him to any great degree.

— Description of the 45-minute audiotape auctioned in 2009 by Alexander Autographs.

I used to say to him, ‘I think you’re a closet fag, you know.’ Because after we started to live together, John would say to me, ‘Do you know why I like you? Because you look like a bloke in drag. You’re like a mate.’

— Yoko Ono, interviewed for New York Magazine (25 May 1981).

Or the partner he was looking for could be found in the (often dominant) person he was most emotionally invested in his whole life. 

All I want is you / Everything has got to be just like you want it to

And in a society that establishes that the closest two people can be, the greatest intimacy they can share, the ultimate declaration of love is to live in a monogamous amorous relationship, is it any wonder that John felt he could only believe in their relationship if they were together like that? Is it any wonder that he would doubt Paul’s affections because Paul apparently wasn’t willing to express them like that? 

JOHN: It’s a plus, it’s not a minus. The plus is that your best friend, also, can hold you without… I mean, I’m not a homosexual, or we could have had a homosexual relationship and maybe that would have satisfied it, with working with other male artists. [faltering] An artist – it’s more – it’s much better to be working with another artist of the same energy, and that’s why there’s always been Beatles or Marx Brothers or men, together. Because it’s alright for them to work together or whatever it is. It’s the same except that we sleep together, you know? I mean, not counting love and all the things on the side, just as a working relationship with her, it has all the benefits of working with another male artist and all the joint inspiration, and then we can hold hands too, right?

SHEVEY: But Yoko is a very independent person. Isn’t it— [inaudible]

JOHN: Sure, and so were the men I worked with. The only difference is she’s female.

SHEVEY: But you didn’t find it difficult to make that transition?

JOHN: Oh yeah. I mean, it took me four years. I’m still not – I’m still only coming through it, you know.

— Interview with Sandra Shevey (June 1972).

I know I keep posting this quote, but I don’t think he can make it more obvious than that: it’s not about the sex. Or rather, the sex is not the primary thing. 

He didn’t push all those years because he was uncontrollably horny for Paul. John just wants a physical manifestation, a more tangible “proof”, of his emotional connections. He wants to be able to hold hands, be held and perhaps also have sex with his best friend; he needs those proofs of love through the means of physical affection because he won’t believe Paul’s love for him is there otherwise (or that it’s as great as John’s).

Would society normalizing other kinds of relationships – such as friendships – to be as important or on the same level as amorous (romantic/sexual) ones, have helped John and Paul? Most likely. 

Would society normalizing same-sex amorous relationships have helped John and Paul? Perhaps. (For this one we would have to look more closely at Paul’s needs and desires.)

All this to say that John’s idea of sexuality was extremely influenced by society, and in his case, the rule “amorous relationships are the normative ones” outweighed the “heterosexual relationships are the normative ones”. 

The conflict occurred when from Paul’s perspective, the priority of the rules was the other way around. I think Paul was ready to ignore society’s norm and live his life with his friendship with John as the most important relationship. But he also wanted a heterosexual one. (But more on that on a post of its own.)

For now, I hope I have more or less managed to express my thoughts on the matter of John’s sexuality. 

Thank you so much for reading through all that and for reaching out in the first place! I truly appreciate it!

[purplesurveys]

713

Have you ever read the Hunger Games series? Nah, that was put out when I started to not read anymore. I did see the first movie though since it was always being aired on TV. When was the last time you ran into something? Haven’t been doing a lot of running these days being stuck at home... but uh probably my dog? He’s always scattered in the most random spaces around the house, it’s so easy to literally stumble upon him. Do you enjoy dressing up? I don’t get to do it a lot but yeah sure. Do you live in the city or a rural area? I live in an urban area. Rizal is technically a province but it has some urban, more city-like parts – I live in one of them. The way provinces are in the country is generally nice for staycations but I can’t see myself living in them for good; there’s hardly any phone signal, they have none of the stuff I’m used to having in the city like malls and coffee shops, and there’s much less coverage for internet connection. Would you say you have a sense of style? Pretty much. I think it’s distinguishable enough that people can pick clothes they think I’d like off a rack.

What's your biggest fear? Cockroaches, failing, being publicly humiliated. Have you ever been bitten by a wild animal? Nope. Add that into one of my biggest fears. Are you close to any of your cousins? I’m closest to my Kuya, the eldest cousin on my mom’s side. I used to be close with my cousins on my dad’s side but since we’ve always lived far from each other we ended up getting awkward when we were teenagers and we haven’t moved past from that ever since. All my other cousins are too young for me to be close to. Have you ever been lost in the woods? Nope. Where did you last travel? I think my last out-of-town trip was when I went to Nasugbu with my friends as a last hurrah before the semester started last August. Do you enjoy driving? I would enjoy it more if traffic wasn’t so congested all the time, but generally I prefer knowing how to drive than not at all. I find it really convenient and I like being able to move at my own time, at my own pace. What song did you last listen to? Hahahaha don’t even be surprised anymore – it’s lofi city up in here, dude. If you have a job, how often do you work? What time do you normally go to sleep at night? These days, very late; my body clock has been beaten up bad (by me, lmao) in the last month. I’d normally turn in from 2-4 AM. Do you watch a lot of movies? I used to. Watching new movies was all I ever did circa 2014-2016, but life got a bit more hectic and my time for watching movies waned until I was never able to get back to my old routine and I just stopped watching altogether. These days I’m only able to watch new films if Gab asks me to tag along with her, like what happened with Midsommar, Knives Out, and Portrait of a Lady on Fire. Do you like Tom Petty? I only know him by name. I don’t have an opinion. Would you rather have snow or rain? I mean I’m just stuck with one of the choices anyway, so rain it is. Do you own a lot of sweaters? Nah I own zero. The only one I have belongs to my girlfriend. Have you ever tried rock-climbing? I’ve tried mini rock-climbing walls, but nothing too high or that required me to put on a helmet and harness. Ever ridden in a police car? Nope. Favorite decade of music? Idk I’ll have to go with the most recent one, 2010s. It was a period when I got old enough to 1) connect with the music coming out and 2) discern what to me sounds good and what doesn’t, and it was also a time where I got to establish what my general music tastes are. The 2000s to me mostly offers nostalgia but nothing outstanding, and I feel too detached from the other past decades for them to be my favorite. Have any of your best friends been your best friend longer than a year? I’ve had best friends I’ve kept for 15 years and 8 years. Ever witnessed a murder? No, but I came so close. One of our first news assignments was to cover a crime story, so on the first night a friend and I spent the night over at a local police station to wait for leads. There wasn’t any and on the second night, another pair of groupmates were tasked to wait at the same station to wait for reports – they were the pair that got a tip and they got to see a fresh crime scene :( which I know should be nothing to be envious of sksksk but still. If I remember correctly it was a stabbing incident and someone did die from it. Do you care what people think of you? I try not to but some opinions that reach me will still get to me, especially on rougher days. Does your room have a ceiling fan? No, just a standing electric fan. Would you consider yourself poised? Eh, it’s not the first word I’d use to describe me. If I’m feeling antsy you’d know it, because I would show it. Have you ever tried blogging? I have tried blogging, as early as when I was 10. I mainly used Blogspot as a diary, but it didn’t last long because 10 year old me just couldn’t keep the blog up and running. I discovered Tumblr when I was 11 and since then it’s been my main website for if I wanna blog (or in this case, microblog) about my interests. Favorite television channel? I haven’t watched TV in a looooooooong while. Have you ever lied under oath? I’ve never had to be under oath. What are your religious views? None. Are you a romantic person? Yeah but mostly in secret; I don’t like being too public when it comes to being expressive. Like I’d swat my girlfriend’s face away if she tries to kiss me in public lmaooooo but when it’s just the two of us I’ve gotten her love language down to a T and I know exactly what to do to make her feel loved. When did you last change your bed sheets? A few weeks ago. My eye started getting irritated whenever I was anywhere near my bed, so I chalked it up to having sheets that needed to be changed. Would you consider yourself a flirt? That would be the literal last thing to describe me. At what age do you plan to be married? Somewhere between 27-29. Do you eat a lot of junk food? Meh not really these days. I’m old enough to start feeling how unhealthy they are whenever I eat them and they no longer feel filling to the stomach either. When did you last go on vacation? Half a year ago. We haven’t been able to go on vacations this year because of coronavirus obviously, so our last trips have been on my dad’s last break at home. Are you resilient? I’d like to think so. I’ve been through so much shit and of varying degrees all my life but I’m still stubbornly here. Have you ever failed a subject before? I’ve never failed an entire class but I’ve failed exams, mostly math-related ones. If so, what was the class? My first failed class was math in Grade 4 (which was when we started learning super super super basic algebra), then I failed a number of algebra exams in 1st year, and then advanced algebra and geometry, and I think even chemistry and calculus, as the years went on. Do you wear more bright or dull colors? I used to wear duller colors, but I’ve recently been so bored with how my wardrobe has been mostly black and white throughout my stay in college that I started to make an effort to buy more colorful stuff so I can look livelier. Do you know anyone who has attempted suicide? I know a number of people. What's your favorite quote? I don’t really have one but one of my favorite movie lines is “How you like them apples?” from Good Will Hunting, if that counts. Would you consider yourself mature? Sure. I like taking on a motherly role in all my friend groups. How many clocks are in your house? I only regularly encounter the one in our dining area but I dunno if any of the bedrooms have clocks as well. Do you play any sports? Table tennis. What is your biggest life regret? Eh I say this a lot but only because it’s my one big regret – I wish I didn’t have such a hard time adjusting and spend so much time wallowing in self-pity in my first year (and part of my second year) of college. I spent all my days crying in my car because I had nowhere to hang and no one to talk to, and I was feeling worse by the fact that everyone else seemed to settle in with ease. I wish I had just said ‘fuck it’ earlier and just joined orgs and talked to people. Now I don’t really get to say that my entire college experience had been one of a kind, because I was mostly only trying to keep myself alive for nearly the first half of it. Have you ever been injured in a car accident? Nah not injured, but I’ve been caught in a couple of accidents. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be? I would love to be in a Tim Hortons right now, studying while having their coffee and one of their wraps. Have you ever had highlights in your hair? Never. I’m not allowed to, which is fine because I stopped wanting to dye my hair. Favorite fast food restaurant? KFC has the best fast food but not the best restaurant. I don’t think I enjoy eating at any of the fast food restaurants we have because they all smell like a bunch of people have come and gone in the place D: In what country were you born? Philippines. Born and raised. Are your eyes more than one color? Nope. Have you ever caught something on fire? No but I’ve seen someone else get something on fire – back in Grade 4, my science teacher was showing us how a Bunsen burner works and a classmate (and tbh the class troublemaker) named Kressel tipped it over while the teacher wasn’t looking. We were too young to know what to do about it – and we were also all panicking on the inside and none of us could move – so we just watched part of the table getting burned away. What would you consider your biggest flaw? I’m very sensitive and I take a lot of things personally. What do you think your best quality is? Kinda conneected to that. I can read people quite well and can tell when they’re feeling too sensitive, if a joke has gotten too far for them, or if they’re starting to feel uncomfortable in a group setting. Do you enjoy listening to others' problems? *Enjoy* might not be the right word for it – I don’t derive pleasure out of hearing the things making my friends stressed out. I do like being the person they turn to; I like knowing they trust me.

Do you keep any plants in your house? My parents do. Sometimes they’ll ask me to water them, but I don’t claim any of the plants as mine. What is your mother's occupation? She’s confidential secretary to one of the higher-ups in her workplace. Do any of your friends like your musical style? I’m not the first person they’d go to to ask for song recommendations. My taste is admittedly a bit blah and basic, so I don’t blame them haha. What are you most looking forward to? I wanna say this quarantine ending, but I know resuming life in the real world would also be making me anxious when the time comes. I guess I’m most excited for seeing Gabie again, because I haven’t seen March 7th. What was your favorite television show as a child? My first favorite show ever that I was also super attached to was Hi-5 with the original cast – this was for kindergarten days. When I got a bit older I loved Spongebob, then when I got even a bit older than that I started liking Drake and Josh, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, That’s So Raven, and Hannah Montana. My first favorite that didn’t come from a kids’ channel was probs Breaking Bad. Are you afraid of insects? Yeah, most of them. Are you cold-natured? Idk if this wants to ask me if I’m snobbish or if I get cold too quickly, but I’m gonna go right ahead and say I can be a bit of both. How old were you when you got your first pet? I was 5 or 6 when I got my first few goldfish. Our house back then was very crowded and wouldn’t have been conducive to pets that would walk around, plus I had never owned pets before, so my parents thought it would be best for me to start off with fish. Did you / do you enjoy high school? It was okay for the latter half. What would you say was your favorite age? 16, which also happened to be the start of the second half of high school. There wasn’t a single low point that year and I had great friends, great grades, and an overall great time in junior year. What annoys you most about social networking? Ehh there are different annoying things for each of the big social media sites. Twitter sucks for its cancel/public shaming culture; Facebook suffers from fake news and troll armies, and conservative relatives are often there to gossip about your posts or your stances (at least for us Asians, idk if family in other cultures can be just as nosey); and Instagram is just unbelievably fake to me that I’ve never even tried joining there to socialize.

Are you the center of attention most of the time? No. Whenever I feel like I am I always shift the spotlight to someone else. What are you currently reading? I’m not reading anything at the moment. When did you last go to the library? At the start of the year, when I had to borrow a book for my Rizal class. Are you ill at the moment? Nope, and remaining not ill would be the best situation for now given the current circumstances. Do people tease you about anything? My friends know I’m a little sensitive so they’re careful about making me the butt of their jokes for too long, but I do get teased for my lack of street smarts which I’m fine with because it’s true hahahahahaha. How late did you stay up last night and why? Not too late considering how late I stay up these days – just around midnight. My left eye acted up again, was tearing up like crazy, and I could barely open it without starting to feel pain so I just went ahead and got some sleep. Have you ever written poetry? Only when we had to in English classes or if we had to submit entries for my org’s literary folio. I’ve never voluntarily written poems. Curtains or shades? Shades. How many people have you spoken to in the last hour? Six, I think? - my dad, sister, cousin, Gab, Andrew, and Angela. Do you tend to text a lot? These days no because I haven’t had (and needed) cellphone load in the last month lmao. Normally though I do. Ever lost a great best friend? Yeah. Sofie and I drifted apart when we started college and the time apart made me realize that we simply had two entirely different personalities and there was no way we would have kept up the friendship considering how far we would be from each other once college started. But it was a nice couple of years that we had being best friends and I don’t regret the antics we got into together. What is your favorite kind of flower? Peonieeeeees my god his question is everywhere. Do you own any guns? No, and I can tell you people where I’m from generally find America’s gun fixation really weird. What would you say is your favorite book of all-time? I think it’d be unfair to tag something as all-time favorite when I haven’t read enough books... but I remember really enjoying Without Seeing the Dawn by Stevan Javellana. Never mind the fact that it was required reading for school; I genuinely loved the whole book and ate it up pretty quickly.   Do you think you're living a good life? I guess, but I’d much rather call it ‘fortunate.’ What's your least favorite part of the day? On a normal schedule that would be once my alarm hits and I know I have to get out of bed and anticipate the traffic I’ll be stuck in.

Are you an over-achiever? Not in the sense that I like joining competitions and winning every single one of them, but I like calling dibs on a lot of tasks no matter how booked I am, and even doing the tasks of others if I sense that they’re not moving. Have you ever won an award for a speech? I haven’t, but I’ve been in a public speaking competition. I let my anxiety get the best of me that day and I ended up rambling midway into my speech, so now thinking about it is something that makes me wince these days because I know I could have done a lot better. Do you tend to curse a lot? Not as much as when I was a teenager but I’ll still slip some shits and fucks in my sentences every now and then. Have you ever played on the Ouija board? No. And I think that if it does happen, as much as I love the concept of Ouija boards, I’ll be too scared to join the session haha. Do you sleepwalk? Nope. Have you ever slept on the floor before? I’ve never slept on the FLOOR floor. I’ve slept on floors but there was always a mattress to lie on to feel comfortable, ya feel. Are you a fan of public displays of affection? It’s easy not to mind simple acts like holding hands or forehead kisses, but it can get uncomfortable if a couple is clearly in the moment and is like literally making out on the escalator or talking like babies to one another but loud enough for others to hear. Either way though I wouldn’t call myself an active fan. When did you last attend a yard sale? Idk dude, 12 years ago I’d say. Do you wish your life were simpler or more interesting? More interesting. What goals do you wish to accomplish tomorrow? None. I just want to care for myself these days dude. And remind myself that it’s okay to not feel like being productive. When is your birthday? Exactly a week from now – April 21st. Which is worse: going blind or deaf? Blind for me. There’s a lot of stuff and places I have yet to see and new experiences that I wanna be able to digest by seeing them, like getting to the top of a mountain or seeing my future kid.   What was the best part of today? Eh, today’s been uneventful at best. Do you attempt to stay away from drama? I don’t want to be the subject of drama but if there’s drama involving other people and my friends got a hold of it, I would honestly find it hard to ignore it. What liquid did you last drink? Water. Do you ever prefer to be alone? I have moods where I’d want to be alone, but it doesn’t happen all the time. I still like being around people because it keeps me from being alone with my thoughts. Have you ever had a deadly animal as a pet? No. Favorite Disney movie? Toy Story. Tangled comes at a verrrrrrrrrry close second. Have you ever been to the beach? Yes. I think since 2009 we’ve been going to the beach at least once a year. If you have, how many times have you been? ^ Considering that estimation I’ve been to the beach a minimum 11 times, but it’s definitely a lot more than that since there’ve been times where we went to beaches multiple times in a single year. What was your dream occupation at age ten? I wanted to be an author then. Are you terrified at the idea of weight-gain? No. I’m a little underweight so I'm okay with welcoming a few extra pounds. Do you drink a lot of water? I don’t take eight glasses a day but I still drink relatively more than my friends and relatives do, who seem to like iced tea and soda more. Does your room have carpet or hard-wood floors? Hardwood, as with most (maybe even all) Filipino houses. Do you take naps daily? No, not daily. I probably take 3-4 afternoon naps every week.

Who were you named after? My parents say I was named after the Swedish singer Robyn, but they also tell me a conflicting story in that they just liked how the name sounds and went with it. Do you plan on traveling this spring or summer? In the current state of the world? No can do chief. I wanna be able to travel once this shitstorm is over though. Do you know anyone who is colorblind? I don’t think so. Have you ever been a teacher's pet? For some classes, but they’ve been very few and far between. I don’t consciously make myself the teacher’s pet in all my classes. What is your absolute favorite hobby? Eating out/trying new food! How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once or twice. Ever been to a tanning bed before? I have not. I don’t need to. Are you satisfied with your financial stability? I don’t even have finances sksksksksksksks Who is your favorite actor / actress? Kate Winslet. Are your nails painted? Nope. What's the meanest thing you've ever said to someone? I make it a point not to say mean things to anyone because words stick. I learned that from a young age which, aside from how fucked up that is, is still a good thing, because it taught me early on to be careful with my anger. Do you ever accidentally talk to inanimate objects? I don’t do it accidentally lmao I just apologize to most of the objects I bump into. What's your favorite flavor of ice cream? Cookies and cream. Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender? Regularly. Do you receive any hate mail? No but that’s because I actively avoid having outlets for that. Anonymous hate would only make me paranoid and will probs drive me madly insecure in the wrong run. Have you ever sent a letter in the mail? Nope. If you could, would you have a pen pal? Meh, I’ll pass. I find instant messaging a lot more convenient and I doubt I’d have the patience for keeping a pen pal. What color are the pants you're wearing? I have brown shorts, not pants. Have you ever had a stalker? Nope. What is your life philosophy? You don’t have to be blood to be family. Who last sent you a goodnight text message? Gabie. Do you own any clothes that are your favorite color? Very few, because pink actually doesn’t suit me. Have you ever been in a hot tub before? Sure. What's your favorite comedy movie? White Chicks. In which year were you born? 1998.

[aniseandspearmint]

OKAY (Long post is LONG because I am incapable of being concise, sorry. Why use ten words when a hundred will do?)

First off: I would like to thank each and every person that bought something on my Walmart or Amazon wish lists. It was of unimaginable help, especially the dogfood. The state randomly decided to cancel my EBT (again) for no discernible reason, so we had to spend money on food and would have had to dip into the money we had saved for a rental deposit without your help on those household essentials. So, T H A N K  Y O U.

(Note: If you bought something off our Amazon list, please PM me. Most of it’s gotten here okay, but one thing never arrived, but I don’t know who purchased it and you gonna need to contact amazon on your end)

Full situation recap: As a lot of you know, I have been desperately searching for someplace to move for the last few months. 

The property we live on right now is being sold, and the new owner doesn’t want our place, so it’s gonna be striped and used as a fire training stage.

There have been some false hopes. I was literally about to hand over a deposit on a place in June, even, when the property manager got a call from the big boss with an order to halt all rentals at that park (like, I am not even slightly exaggerating, I was about to initiate the bank transfer when the call came through).

So back to searching it was, which included many many fruitless calls, three attempted scams (hoo boy, was the last one a doozy too), and more tears and panic attacks than I care to admit (no, I’ll admit it. SO MANY).

BUT! I have prevailed! I HAVE A PLACE. 

Went and put the deposit down this afternoon and a hundred towards the first months rent (threee houuuuur caaaaar driiiiive. Both ways. Ugh. A thousand thanks to my current landlady for driving me across the state.)

This place is,,,, Well, better than the place I was fixing to put money on before? Bigger anyway. It’s an actual house, not a trailer, and rent-to-own direct from the owner not a bank (banks all want upwards of a thousand down on RtO; WHY?!?!). Walls, roof, windows, and floor all intact. Owner seems the decent sort for an old white southern dude (I’ll have to keep ace-ness and such on the downlow, but I expected that. This IS Georgia.)

However, there are some issues.

The entire thing, barring the (tiny TINY shotgun) bathroom and (awkwardly designed) Kitchen, is floored in THE most gawd AWFUL 70s olive green shag carpeting I have seen in AGES. 

I have pictures. 

I will totally share once I find where the hell my fxxkin’ camera specific USB cord went (may have to see if I can borrow one from someone tbh).

Also, the walls? Not only are they a funny pinky-grey tan, they are popcorned/cottage cheesed, not just the ceiling. It is one of the most yuckbadno combinations my autistic ass has encountered recently.

The owner also did a weird thing in the living room and boarded up and spackled over large windows on each side and replaced them with a single window in the front, which, okaaaay, but the spackle job is,,,, not the smoothest. like. At All.

 I don’t want to be too down on the owner, bc he is Old, and clearly not the finest handyman, but it is Bad. (I also have clear pics of this and will share).

The walls are handleable for the most part. I have a line on some paint, hopefully, and spackle is cheap. That can be handled after we move in, even if the color/texture makes me want to hurl.

The main problem is the carpet. 

Mom’s (mostly) in a wheelchair. And anyone who’s tried pushing themselves around on shag carpeting in a wheelchair knows, you get nowhere at a snails pace.

That stuff needs to go, ASAP.

So, I’m looking into flooring options to add to my Walmart Registry and my Amazon Wishlist. Mom’s adamant it HAS to be the solid sheet kind, not tile, so that limits what we can do. I’ll add some in the next few days once I figure out which ones are cheaply priced but not too cheaply made, and mostly lighter colors since the place really needs lightening tbh. I did toss a kind of flexible plastic runner on the lists, which will help if we can’t get flooring right away. She’d be able to move from room to room on those, I think. If anyone could possibly help out with some of the other items so we can save to buy the vinyl or pvc sheeting ourselves, I would be so grateful (dog food is always welcome).

Note: I’ve added some frivolous things to the Amazon list. Mom is currently very very disappointed that this is the best we could find and afford, and is tipping into a lovely depressive episode now, I think. The fact that it’s all fixable things is falling on deaf ears right now, all she can see is that it’s not what she’d hoped. She’s also still quite upset at the death of one of our dogs earlier this month. She usually bought herself a DVD or two a month, but we’ve been frantically trying to save money the past year, so it’s been a long time since she’s been able to. So I went and looked over her Amazon Wishlists and tossed a bunch of things she’s had on them for a long time. If anyone would be willing to grab her a favorite movie, or a book, or a hair clip, to raise her spirits a little, I’d be very grateful. (Her birthday is also in August, and at this rate, there really isn’t going to be anything left for us to have any kind of ‘Happy 69th Birthday’ celebration)

WALMART LIST

AMAZON LIST

[kingofattolia]

a List of Things About X-Men: Dark Phoenix

aka X-Men vs Aliens aka Charles NO: The Movie

(yes, I’m still here watching X-Men movies. do i recommend it as a pastime? not really, but the sad truth is, if Charles and Erik are there, so am i)

FIRST OF ALL... Raven died

HA

HAHAHAHA

that’s the sound of me laughing at the fact that whoever wrote this thinks he has the POWER to kill Raven

you fool. you blithering idiot. you pompous dunderhead

Raven is eternal. she will remain when all else has turned to dust. Raven is identity. Raven is free will. Raven is self-determination, independence, truth

the fact that someone thought he could just... KILL HER in a Tragique Accident™ that had nothing to do with HER at ALL......?

Raven is not your PLOT POINT. she is not going to lay down her life for Hank’s and Erik’s and Charles’s CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

the unmitigated GALL. the gross irreverence. the sheer, brazen cheek

0/10 blasphemy

on the whole, I'm a big fan of X-Men vs. aliens. a common enemy to unite against? FINALLY fighting someone that's not Erik? yes, thank you.

something else we haven't seen before: the PUBLIC ADORATION OF X-MEN. it probably didn't survive the movie, but STILL! that's something new from the post-DOFP timeline.

the little girl with the Raven action figure? love that

not as much Quicksilver as there should have been :(

also the Charles and Erik outfit-o-meter is running sadly low on fuel, but I'll do the best I can

Charles's presidential gala tux 5/10

Charles's black beatnik mock-turtleneck 7/10

Charles's 70s flashback look 6/10

Charles's FRENCH CAFE T-SHIRT 9/10 (ARMS)

skinny hobo "Survivor Contestant" Erik 6/10

Erik's long black throwback duster 5/10 (should have been a cape)

i like how Scott is the main character's love interest and yet has ABSOLUTELY no emotional resonance in the whole movie lol

Charles, righteous, making Raven's death about himself: I can't believe you would yell at me, HERE, in this sacred kitchen, on this, the day of my foster sister's funeral--

i love him and he needs to be punched in the face

WHY DID HE SAY "FOSTER SISTER." JUST SAY SISTER, YOU MORON

is it just me or would Raven have hated Charles giving her eulogy. like wow he tried to define her all throughout her life and here he is getting the last word in her story as well

JUST ADMIT THAT YOU MADE A MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!!

really, the amounts of "CHARLES NO" in this movie are almost, one might say... off the charts

all his chickens came home to roost at once

me, throwing an empty soda can at the sky: THAT WAS FOR MOIRA

Charles apologizing??????????????????????

did I mention that I love him

"everything you did was out of love, I forgive you"

okay is it just me or would it have made five HUNDRED times more sense for Hank to have died? not that I don't like Hank

Raven was already doubting Charles's commitment to protecting the team. she totally would have laid ALL of this at his feet and it has always been Raven's time-honored role to yell at Charles

Raven going to see Erik would have been absolutely in-character

RAVEN AS SCHOOL DIRECTOR AND X-MEN CAPTAIN

"hmm... I find myself on a blood quest seeking vengeance. where should I go for help?" "VENGEANCE ISLAND, the lair of LORD McVENGEANCE HIMSELF"

Erik, after having literally established beyond a shadow of a doubt that Jean is far and away more powerful than he is, and he can't stand up to her in a fair fight: I'm gonna fly majestically up to her and kill her with THIS metal bannister

"you hurt people" "it's been a while"

Samoan Hair Guy????? what was up with him

Erik, a genius mastermind: so... guns don't work. I guess that means I need a HUNDRED guns

just in general, the melee fight outside the aliens' fancy house was fabulous

Charles, immobilizing Buzzcut Lady

Storm, being the best one on the scene at all times

Kurt getting a HECK of a workout while everyone is simultaneously bawling his name, like jeez, chill, he's only one person guys.

Erik, summoning the NYC subway cars for ABSOLUTELY NO DISCERNIBLE REASON

HE LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN NEED THEM

but he needed............ the drama

Charles, large and in charge: you're not coming with us

The kids: we ARE coming END OF DISCUSSION

Charles, cowed: ok

I think the president was supposed to be Bush 41, but really the guy looked like Nixon

Charles RETIRING????????????????????????????????? ok first of all, I love this. second of all, WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO? he's not going to survive without some all-consuming purpose. eating croissants on the Riviera ain't gonna cut it. I need so much more about this concept tbh

THE CHESS SCENE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAHHHHHHFMGHFMGHFMH

I almost died. in fact, I probably am still in the process of dying

Erik: fancy a game, Charles? for old time's sake

Charles: NO, Erik. I am TRYING to be EMO, please respect that

Erik, bright eyed and curly haired: pleaaaaaase?

Charles, trying as hard as he can not to smile and still failing: FINE

ARMS

this is the opposite of the beach divorce I'm calling it now. they're going to find a new purpose and work together and cause SO many problems for everyone else

I walked out of the theater with the light of glee filling my soul from the inside out and this is why

10/10 Parisian cafe reconciliation

I'm...... happy that they didn't KILL Jean. not gonna lie, I fully expected them to. but a dramatic self-sacrificing death is like 0.5% of a step up

sweetie. honeybunch. all your women are still dead

[starlightsoulwriting]

Time By Heartbeats

Chapter Three: Monsters Under the Bed

A/N: This was going to be longer but I was taking to long so I just split it up. I’ve been working and getting ready for the fall semester, and I just had my twenty-first birthday a few days ago! *streamers go off, confetti falls everywhere*

Its weird trying to balance all of my hobbies, tbh, I wish I had more energy for everything. Anyway enjoy, R&R! I hope you guys like this chapter! Thanks for reading!

Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born. – Anais Nin

A knock at Mora’s door startled her out of her work, and in her surprise she knocked over the small ark of origami animals off her desk. “Come in,” she chimed, bending over and collecting her paper zoo. 

               Demyx peeked his head around the door, a laidback grin on his face, before walked in. “Hey! How’re ya feeling? I figured we could grab some lunch and I could show you around the castle.”

               Mora breathed a sigh of relief. She was starving, “Yes, please. I’ve been hungry for a while but I’m too afraid of getting lost.” She smiled sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck. “This place is huge.”

               Demyx pat her shoulder as they turned to the hallway. “You’ll get used to it. I’m hopeless at directions, but after a few weeks I knew this place pretty well.” His smile was bright and reassuring, and jarring when compared to the cold atmosphere of the castle, “There are only a few places you really need to remember anyway. Our rooms, the lab, the kitchen, and the grey area are where we spend the most time - everything else’ll just come with time.” He perked up as if suddenly remembering something and turned to her. “Do you feel like playing some music later? I have a keyboard in my room.”

               The hair on the back of her neck stood on end, unused to people knowing things about her that she hadn’t told them. She’d played piano since she was five, and still practiced on a smaller electric keyboard in her room. Well, she had practiced. She doubted she would get much of a chance if what they were saying was true. It was convenient that he knew already, but still unnerving. Mora cleared her throat and brushed away her thoughts. “What do you play? Or are you more of a singer?” 

               Demyx’s eyes lit up, excitement clear on his face. “I play the sitar mostly, but I like to try a whole load of instruments. I’ve been trying my hand at the Cetera, but that one’s really tricky because it has sixteen strings.”

               “You should’ve seen me when I tried a harpsichord. My notes were all over the place.” Mora spoke and looked out the windows as they passed. There was a bright, neon-lit city below them, but none of the sounds that should accompany it. No cars, no people or sirens, no animals that she could see. The entire city was still. Occasionally she thought she could see movement in the shadows, like it was restless. The odd flash of white would streak through the air once in a while, but she couldn’t get a good look at what it could be. Birds, maybe?

               Hopefully it was just her mind playing tricks on her.

               She visibly relaxed when they reached the kitchen and she could just focus on food instead of the eerie deadness of the city outside. They discussed music and how they had learned to play over lunch. Mora made a simple ham and cheese and Demyx made ramen. Later she would learn that it’s one of the only foods he eats - the others being chicken nuggets, rice dishes, various pastas, oatmeal, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Apparently he’s been that way since he was little. 

“How are you feeling, by the way?” He started, blue eyes wide. And if it reminded her of her little brother at all, well, Mora ignored it. Thinking of home was too much right now. “I don’t remember my first week or so here but I can’t imagine that it’s easy.”

               Mora sighed, setting down her water and wringing her own hands. “I’m not sure yet. This place is strange… quiet. It’s creepy. And this it’s huge, but there are like five people living here, why is it so empty?" She looked at the walls as if they would answer her questions. They didn’t. “And you don’t remember how you got here?” She cut herself off before she got farther. Maybe now wasn’t the time for her to list off all the weird things about this place.

               “There are thirteen of us, actually.” He chimed, either unaware of her anxiety or ignoring it. “Fourteen now that you're here.”

               She shook her head and ran a hand through her hair, heart hammering in her chest. She knew there had to be reasons for this place’s oddness, but everything inside her screamed that whatever answer she came up with would be wildly off-base. But she hated not knowing more than she hated being wrong. “That’s still a problem. Only thirteen people living in this gigantic castle? Where’s everyone else? This place could fit hundreds.”

               Demyx just shrugs, unconcerned. “Normal people? It’s just you. The dusks take care of the place for us. I guess there might of been a lot of folks here a long time ago, but now it’s just heartless and nobodies.”

               Mora froze. “Are…” She swallowed the lump in her throat and steeled herself, hoping she was overreacting or misinterpreting what he just said. “Are you not normal people?”

               “No-one told you?”  He dropped his chopsticks and stood suddenly, pulling Mora out of her chair and running down the hall back the way they came, frantic. “God, I’m so stupid, of course no one told you, you’ve been alone!”

She struggled to keep up with him, feet land clumsily on the floor, but he was going so fast she nearly fell over with every. “Where are we going?” She shouted, gabbing at his wrist, pulling at his coat, “And let me go, Christ!”

He dropped her wrist like he’d been burned, stopping and turning on his heels to look her over like she was a fallen toddler being checked for scrapes. “Oh, god, I’m so sorry! Are you alright?” He placed his hands on her shoulders, panic flashing on his face. “I sometimes forget you’re not as strong as we are; I didn’t hurt you did I? I-”

               “I’m fine,” Mora cut him off firmly, placing her hand on his, trying not to snap at him. “Just don’t do that again.”

               All the tension left his body at once. Then he just started walking again, his hand still gripping hers. She quirked her brow, anxiety levels high and rising steadily. She was wary of what could possibly have him so worked up. She would let him hold her hand if it made him feel better, though - he seemed like a very tactile person.

               He started talking again, this time more composed. “Zexion’s in his room, he’s better at explaining things than I am.” He looked sheepish. “I’m not so good with science stuff. Not like you guys.”

               Zexion’s room was close to hers, styled with a “VI” in gothic font. Unlike a few doors they had already passed, this one was plain and undecorated, sporting the same white color as the rest of the hallways in this blinding place. Mora raised her arm to knock, but Demyx barged through the door with no fanfare before she could, and was met with a flying book to the face.

               “I told you to knock!” An irate voice sounded from inside the room. “Do you want me to throw you into a sand pit in Agrabah?”

               Demyx just cradled his face, whining and stomping his foot. “It’s important, I swear.”

               “It doesn’t matter, you can’t just barge into my room whenever you feel like it.” Zexion started a lecture, but paused when Mora peered around the door, hesitant. He looked to Demyx. “Has something happened, or are you just bored?”

               The blond crossed his arms at the accusation, but didn’t seem overly offended. Instead, he fixed his face into a determined, serious look that looked wholly out of place on him. “We need to talk to Mora about The Heartless.”

               Three hours, twelve minutes, and two seconds later, Mora curled in on herself, hiding underneath the quilt in her room.

               This was getting to be too much. 

               First, they tell her that “Hearts,” basically someone’s goddamn soul, are not only tangible, real things but that they can also be stolen. She felt her own heart pounding restlessly in her chest. The thought made her want to vomit, but she could at least control herself on that.

                Apparently no one she had met in the past day had a heart, even though they seemed like normal humans. Zexion had said something about echoes still being sound, but fainter and harder to discern. It wasn’t an explanation she was comfortable with, though. She wouldn’t even have believed them at all if it wasn’t for the fact that they had shown her a dusk in person. Its eyeless face... hollow, onesie-looking, zipper-mouthed, twitchy bastard… she had nearly passed out. It didn’t have any insides. There was even one outside her room right now, sent by neither Zexion nor Demyx. She tried not to think about why it was there.

               She just wanted to hide in her room for the rest of forever, or cut her losses and run, but the teenagers had been adamant that the literal monsters outside would actually eat her alive if she tried. That thought alone was enough to get her to stay put inside the castle, alone with her anxiety.

               Apparently, Nobodies were harmless enough… to her, at least, since they listened to the Organization. The threat in that fact rung clear through her, though, even if there had been none intended. If protection could be given to her, it could be taken away just as easily. She had no intention of testing that out for herself.

               Heartless, however, were completely fucking feral. They would only occasionally listen to others, so long as they had power over darkness (another complication in all of this which made her head spin.) Nobody here controlled the heartless. The only thing keeping her safe from them was the cold, barren walls of the Castle That Never Was, and a measly leather coat with magic that hid her from them.

               They had been the writhing darkness she saw in the shadows outside...

               Fucking hell.

[gayspock]

wotch me... ramble about  bodcast

alright first of all: rqg has been the first actual play podcast to really do it for me in a while- and notthat i tried a lot, in all fairness, but god am i DIGGING it. like i did quite like fatt, but couldnt rlly chew through s2 (too much game mechanic stuff, and heavy lore kinda weighed it down for me) and even in s1 i always felt disproportionately invested in boat party side than ice party but I DO HOPE TO REVIsIT IT ONE DAY, TOO!!!but rqg has like... literally.. LIKE OKAY with any podcast maybe the first few epi or two do be a little WOH as you settle down into things BECAUsE? i remember, like- ben and bryn.... bOTH confused me a little, given their names are. THAT similar and also i struggled a little discerning voices (but tbh... i always do) BUT THAT. Is.ME. LITERALLY NITPICKING!

BC REALLY its been one of the easiest things to really. go bonkers yonkers for, in terms of actual play, that ive listened to in a while, and maybe that's just my tastes because they really.... like they really nail down the balance i like, of storytelling but also...YOU KNOW, allowing the PCs to have a handle on the story, and allowing for the game itself to have a  chance to dictate stuff?? like its a fantastic balance- a really good one- and a lot of podcasts are too prone to swing one way or th other and lIKE. NOT TO MAKE THIs ABOUT TAZ, AND IM NOT TRYING TO DUNK ON TAZ bc i love it BUT IM THINKING MORE ABOUT IT NOW WITH THIs AND maan like.

idk if like... i dont agree with ALL the criticism of griffin railroading but like god listening to this and lso, liek, fatt it does make me think sometimes that man i really. WIsH he did o  more in the way of offering... players more decision and i love taz i really do and i think ffor certain dnd was important to balance even if just for the running theme off them absolutely cocking it all upp all the time but like when i look at amnesty part of me sometimes even just... WONDERs why they even bother with, like, a game system and i dont mean that. CRUELLLY but like god i do feel like, sometimes, griffin would be much more comfortable if they just ditched it entirely and let him dictate a story that travis&justin&clint experienced bc. having these other comparisons to draw from now it rlly.. feelslike he does want to steer them a lot, even now - and a lot of the choices he allows are kinda shallow, and more so illusions of freewill and i feel like its getting to the point where. MAN JUsT. take the dice away bc its encumbering it more andobvously. ur JUst wanting to tell ur story and . DOEs that make sense bc even like...

like this rlly Is me just rambling but two things that stick in my mind most notably are, like- the fact that i remember travis for what was two episodes, at least, wanting to split off to go talk to someone (maybe im misreembering a little??) and it took him . a WHILE to get there whereas... like. that would literally not rlly ever be a problem otherwise bc of course. he should be able to, and nobody said no but the fact it took so long, and like the whole thing- like amnesty itself is strucutered insuch a way wher they can make choices and decisions but theyre all... like it feels more like flavour , if that makes sense, than actually directing thing?? and yet another concsequence of the nature of amnesty ass a whole is,well, ....

consequence!! WHICH feels... really minimal. like in amnesty i do recognise that duck losing his power did happen BUT... i feel like- like given the preparedness, and the nature  of it, it felt like that ALWAYs was gonna happen regardless of what decision they made?? does that make sense? or at least a very least, it was a very thought out path- like as if, some element of it was a very binary, or rigid branching decisinon that was neatly laid out, rather than a reaction o a thing-  and THERE IsNT. ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT AT ALL and im not saying it is inherently BAD bc hey! most narrative is that way- thought out - and it benefits more from being so than not but.... BUT..... I FIND THIs VERY HARD TO PUT INTO WORDs BUT: like it feels like taz, rn, is being wishy washy? like i feel like it isn't defining itself too strongly as either an actual play format, or just a straight up audio drama with a twist an its straddling the line in an almost uncomffortable way. like i think balance worked bc it broke expectations well, and that played into the charm of it all- given it was more of a candid journey, of them fumbling with the game, and ultimately just kind of going WOOPs WE'RE DOING sTORY NOW! but amnesty doesnt adhere to that ssame, one off vibe and so it kinda feelslike... LIKE, you know a character that develops? but then after theyve went throughtheir arc, andd experienced it all the author is far too aattached to their pre-development personality and identity so they kind of keep trying to lean back into that even though theyve changed? like i definitely think changing from DND was a good idea for amnesty bt man i feel like... MAN I JUsT FEEL LIKE IT ALL FEELs sUPERFICIAL. maybe thats the right word. like too superficial, letting them roll dice right now, bc it just... it doesnt DO much. and so it just sits in thaat grey area of: wellit isnt giving the charm of a totally spontaneous, and uncharted dnd podcast but it also is broken up by dice checks and isnt as refined as a big cohesive story.

like man, for a consequence thing.. remember when ned should have been... you know, hospitalised but it didnt rlly have any bearing on the story? YEAH. like- like just... rather than  have siutations like that, i feel like they should just. let griffin take the reigns, and have him just make decisions and. do it.. diffenepowegj dj - YOU KNOW. WWHA T0IEI-P M 9AJFJ BECAUE I LOVE  . AMENTY I REALLY D BUT THE  .itne,djp LITEN

bc alloff thi.... man im just so into RQG and i fucking love alex and the fuckging. I KNOW THIs Is sUCH A ... "well, duh eggs!" but god like-like it rally a-ci - DOEsaohfh LIKE alex is... a fuckgn baller DM and i think whats shaking me especially about it all is that im so UsED to taz that im like "well they cant die... they can...t. bring in a backup player" when uhhhhh YUH they can or they can leave or they can fucking . go off and do smething else and their fucking. choices have . really big fucking consequences and the dice actually. LIKE. HAVE BIG IMPACTs ON THINGs. like that whole- like that whole scene with the fucking rooftopp, and literally an old man trying to rn away... THE WAY EVERYTHING WENT CATAsTROPHICALLY WRONG BC OF DICE ROLLs, to the point hwerethe party split up and some of them almost fufkcing died in one single encounter and it changed the whole thing and set bertie on a  side quest- like that is fucking baanan\icja-9joADH 9ofj  AND THE. LIKE LIsTEN. LIT DFOIJF...... like if eel like,even when they do have narrow branching paths- like bertie in the channel tunnel, deciding whether to go which way or the other- it still... doesnt feel like that, weirdly enough? like alex is...  GsOODD at reacting, i think- like OKAY LET ME. TALK sPECIFICALLY BAOUT THAT LIKE THE....

like i dont know how to describe it but itslike. you know when u can TELL they have decision branches lined up, like how i said with taz? like, they have a very strict- you choose this, or this; then you choose this, or this... it doent feel organic and is more the illusion of choice and its FINE TO DDO THAT sMETIMEs bc its like. man who could do something wack and not plan anytyignb but GOD LIKE. id ont know. I DONTTT KNOWWW MAN. i dont know what im thinkign about or ho to put it itsjust... ffuckgigoivjoj .. IT doesnt feel organic. you know. in the same way a computer, operating on a decision tree will never truly compare to human thought with what we have right now. LIKE. its like its like ur trying to give them options, but specificall THEsE OPTIONs and not letting them . do what they wwant andpoakcpjfj I ONT KNO.I DONT KNOW

and maybe  i can write thisbetter, rather than just offering a very disjointed . stream of consioucness. but like i keep mentiongign consequence and im thinkign more baout it as im writing this annd man it just... LIKE that kinda ties into the lack of decision more bc like. another aprt of whatmakes a lot of the taz decisions feel kinda fake is the lack of follow through bc . either not much happens, the same end is achieved, or thebig thing that happens was planned and would have happened anywhaheih 0AND LIKE. like its like i said like. thats whats charming about dnd games and what holds them up in comparison to like. usual audio drama style story and written literture but LIKE.  like mananoimcpk LIKE, MAN. like i cant rmmber.aa-fkf..   LIKE IT Need. more. like. 

another single moment of appreciation: bc man speaking of consequence. fatt really did havethat too. i need to revisit it, even if sometimes i think there's TOO much game mechanic (and also? too many pcs, and austin soetimes discussing why he thinks a thing is cool, and discussing it all in a very meta sense and disrupting the narrative flow could be offputting for me persnally) bt fucking THROWBack TO HELLA in season 1 slaying fucking triste and sending everything to asolute sHIT. god i miss that too . GOD!

bc i feel like taz never... rly DID TRY TO DO THAT? LIKE IT HA MOMEMNET BUT. ID OTN KNOW. I DONT KNOW ANY MORE. I DONT KN

[couldnt-think-of-a-funny-name]

- L o r d

- Okay so Tom has finally quit, we’re proud of him. But now there’s two other guys working the sound right- This guy Chris who I vaguely recognize did the shows when I was in them but never spoke to, and this kid Ian who has a streak of grey hair that I was unable to discern if it was done intentionally or if he’s just That Stressed

- So it was hectic with that because they like....lowkey couldn’t figure out what they wanted me to do lmao like I was working and stuff but I think currently their only plan is to have me run the sound effects during the show and there’s like...only five of them lmao. They’re trying to figure out a better plan

- When I came in the Lion King soundtrack was playing over the speaker but then it snagged and just started going ‘hehehehehehehehehe’ the kids were Shaken

- So I personally hate the Lion King and these two guys have never seen it so I actually had to sit there and explain everything that was happening and give character names and they just. Were not absorbing the information omfg

- The costumes......................................................

-The costumes

- Listen

- The Grown Lions(tm) have those cool head pieces that look like African Masks but they wear as hats, those are good. The baby lions look a little ridiculous but they’re cute as hell so no one cares. Zazu’s costume doesn’t really inspire ‘bird’ but it’s cute. They all like....fit the usual color scheme of the show, you know?

- But then we got these Giraffes....oh my God. Like, they’re ADORABLE- the girls are in yellow leotards and they have long giraffe necks+smiling heads strapped on their back and they carry the legs. It’s super cute but like....they’re BRIGHT yellow. Like, cartoonishly yellow. And it just super clashes with all the other costumes????

- And then the other animals are pretty much just in tights and brown or grey shirts. THE FUCKING ELEPHANTS THO. They have these poor girls in plain grey sweats, right, but then they gave them these fucking.....bright pink sparkly hats with the ears and the trunks on them?? And the trunks are like, above their foreheads, like they don’t cover their face, so when they stand profile on the stage they jus tloook like a bunch of flamingos flying away asdfghjk. AND THEN. They came onstage for Circle of Life....waving their arms.....as if they were their trunks??????? The trunk is already on the costume????? What happened to these elephants lord

- The kid playing Scar....listen. He’s having fun. That’s clear. That’s great! Does he have to scream every line at the top of his lungs????

- The script: SCAR(whispers)- Long Live The King

This kid: “LOOOOOOONNNNNGGGG LIVE THE KIIIIIIIIN NGGGGG MWUHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 

-like please calm down a bit asdfghj

- Wait back to those fucking giraffes for a hot sec. There were like....two different music numbers where they just came out without the heads or legs??? Just some girls in some bright yellow dresses???? What in the world????

- They actually made it to act two? Literally everyone was shocked

- Like they got thru act one and the director was like ‘what time is- oh? We still have an hour and a half? Uhhhh okay?????’ like there were audible gasps throughout the theater lmao

- Did not finish act two tho omfg they got to the scene where Nala finds Simba, Timon and Pumbaa and after a couple takes the director literally just Quit lmao she was like ‘we’re just gonna call it here since apparently no one knows their lines you can all go home’ sdfghj

- I told the man that I had worked on the soundboard before but his was Slightly More Complicated so he thought I couldn’t handle it and he tried to go through and explain how everything worked to me and I got so lost I was literally like Sir Listen The Spirit Just Inhabits My Body And Presses Buttons When Shit Goes Down. We needn’t add science or reason to that 

- Lmao but I was in fact able to run it fine when he ducked out for a bit

- THERE IS NO SET

- N O S E T

- They have??? I guess???? It’s supposed to be Pride Rock???? Sure. And then it turns around and theres a little nook in it so it’s the Hyena’s lair or whatever the hell.

- Nothing else?????????? There’s a giant screen in the back and I was like “Oh, okay, they’re just gonna use projections for setting like we did with Hair. Fine, cheap, not a big deal” BUT THERE’S NO PROJECTIONS??????

- They’re just using it to bounce light off please kill me....like the director was all ‘light is a very important part of lion king’ and it is!!! But like it went from a red-orange backdrop for the dessert and then Simba goes to the jungle right and like....you’d think maybe just. Project a pic of some jungle trees??? Nope!!!! Just green lights!!! There’s a scene where they’re talking about the stars and there just. Aren’t even any stars projected on this thing just...blue purple lights alright fuck me I guess

- I was cackling during circle of life bc for the part where Raffiki is presenting baby Simba they deadass have like the stuffed Simba toy you’d get at the Disney store asdfgh but I lost it because instead of like, reverently picking up the kid and slowly holding him high over the crowd the girl just. Roughly grabbed it in one hand and held it out at arms length asdfgh it was so funny okay

- For a solid 40 minutes the two guys I was with were trying to discreetly figure out how old I am like at first they were like ‘do you.......Know this cast?’ and I was like ‘uhhh I recognize the one kid from batb and Pippin but they’re all really young you know’ and they were like ‘hmm’ and then the director mentioned I used to be in shows and they were like ‘so did you just stop or did you........age out?’ and I was like ‘yeah pretty much. My last show was West Side Story’ and this man’s jaw DROPPED he was like ‘that was......like four years ago!’ and I was like yeah it was!!! and then finally after a while of this the other guy just flat out asked ‘so are you a high schooler or like a college student’ please kill me I am 22 years old asdsdfgh

- They went to some different company for all the equipment and they were so proud because ‘wow the mics sound really better :) We won’t have any problems with this show :)‘ and I was like uh dudes something always goes wrong with the mics and they wouldn’t listen

- mic one started acting up

- they were so shocked lmao

- And tbh still not sure what they issue was???? At first I thought it was just young Simba’s costume bc with the other two shows I've worked with that kid on, his costumes ALWAYS refuse to cooperate with the mics, it’s his brand at this point lol

- But then it was crackling and getting feedback when he wasn’t even moving and THEN when we switched it to Grown Nala it got even worse lmao. They tried changing the station, the batteries, the back, and the wire like dear God

- When I was collecting mics at the end of rehearsal Timon handed me hers and it was just....fucking shredded what did this girl do!!! 

- We couldn’t find the girl to give mic six to so I asked the director and she’s like ‘she’s absent today...........she’s barely been to any of the rehearsals’ JUDI. JUDI JUST RECAST HER JFC YOU’VE HAD WEEKS!!!!

- Oh and mic seven broke before we could even get it on a kid so uh yeah....normal enough I guess

- like inherently I know there’s gotta be some 12/13 year olds in the cast but we are all terrified to trust the kids to do mic switches themselves backstage lmao like please no. Not for the Infants!!! so tomorrow I might just camp out back there to make sure nothing gets broken again lmao

- young simba mic switches with grown nala and the dude on soundboard was so....weird about it like apparently it messed up a frequency or something??? I couldn’t really follow but apparently it was an Issue that nala’s voice was deeper than simba’s like he kept going on about it and I'm like ‘one of them....is a four foot tall boy who hasn’t hit puberty and the other....is a teenage alto’ but this just did not Connect for him that it made sense that girl had the deeper voice help me

- Also I'm not....much of a conversationalist around strangers, and I've got a nervous giggle, and he was so lowkey offended by it like he assumed I just didn’t give a shit about anything he was saying bc I just kept saying ‘yeah yeah’ with a giggle like sir!!!! it’s my default setting!!!! I just already know what you’re talking about what am I supposed to do!!!!!!

- like just the fact that he felt the need to Call It Out like please dude I'm just hear trying to help like??? I literally don’t have to be there why would he assume I didn’t care????? 

- we somehow started talking about Les Mis 2014 for some reason and he was trying to tell me how stressful it was with the band and all the solos and stuff and I was like.....sir yeah I was a soloist in that show I Know lmao. I remember the band. No One was calm during those rehearsals lmao

- We were apparently told that this would be a Keyboard Only production but then like....other people with other instruments....just kinda.....showed up lol

- I'm missing stuff but I only slept for like an hour and a half last night so....I'm dead. anyway I currently have zero predictions for how this show is gonna turn out???? send prayers