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pharmacyfollies · 7 years ago

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Happy Easter! Pharmacy Follies

-Sometimes, I wonder about how they come up with the names of some of the shit we have stashed in the pharmacy and realized how lewd they can sound...

Last night, my man put his Harvoni in my Taytulla and we proceeded to Fenofibrate the night away and all was well until he decided to Kayexalate in my eye.

-Aye, because I've been sick and not in the mood for anyone's shit, my mind has mentally blocked out the stupidity to prevent me from snapping and killing the idiots. However, to humor all ya'll, FB was kind enough to remind me of these gems from 9 years ago. Enjoy!!!

1. Huh?

So I'm standing at the out-window, minding my own business, when some fruitcake comes up to me, shows me a bottle of Diabetic Tussin and asks...

Fruitcake: "Where can I find this but something different?"

Me: "Huh?"

Fruitcake: "I want to get this but something different."

Me: "So let me get this straight, you want to know where the Diabetic Tussin is but you want to get something different?"

Fruitcake: "Yes."

Me: "Against the wall past the pharmacy window."

I wasn't going to bother any further with that idiotic nonsense.

2. Get away from me

Dipshit comes to the counter and asks....

Dipshit: "Where can I find diaper rash cream?"

Me: "Aisle 3."

Dipshit: "Where's aisle 3?"

Me: "It's located between aisle 1 and 2."

Fuckin really.

3. Shoot me

Moron comes through the drive-thru to drop off prescriptions. Her children never had prescriptions filled so I make the mistake of asking....

Me: "Do you have insurance?"

Moron: "Yes, Public Aid."

And that's when the Mexican stare down begins. This would be a normal persons cue to take the card out and hand it to me but we're dealing with complete idiots here. I couldn't take the suspense any longer so I ask....

Me: "Do you want me to bill Public Aid or do you want to pay out of pocket?"

Moron: "Bill Public Aid."

Me: "Ok, do you have the card?"

Moron: "Yes."

And the Mexican stare down begins again. Again, this would be a normal persons cue to whip out the card but again, we're dealing with complete shitwits here. The suspense was killing me so I asked....

Me: "Ok, in order to bill Public Aid, I need to see the card."

That's when the lightbulb went off in her head and she said...

Moron: "You need the card?"

Me: "That's what I said."

Moron: "I'm not sure if I have it."

Me: "I cannot bill Public Aid unless you have the current card."

Moron: "Oh, I understand. I didn't know I was supposed to have it."

Me: "Yes, one of the requirements of Medicaid is that you show a current card whenever you seek medical assistance. Not only that, I can't bill Medicaid if I don't have the information in the system."

Moron: "So I need to show you the card in order for them to pay for the medicine?"

I'll bet you all an ovary and Ray's left nut that she graduated at the top of her class.

4. Compruébese antes de usted la ruina usted mismo!(Check yourself before you wreck yourself, for the Spanish challenged)

There's one thing I loathe and that's the E-RX system. The E-RX system allows doctors to send prescriptions over the computer. The main reason I loathe it is because doctors have a tendency of telling their patients...

Moronic Doctor: "I just sent your prescription to the pharmacy. It will be ready by the time you get there."

Uh, NO!! It does not work that way. Your doctor has no more control over my wait times than I do his appointment book. If I can't send one of my patients over to the doctors office to be pushed ahead of everyone else and to be seen right away then what makes them think that the prescriptions they send over have precedence over the prescriptions that were ahead of theirs? So we just open the pharmacy and I notice that there's 2 E-RX's waiting to be entered in. What a great way to begin my day. I enter them in and 15 minutes later, some dude comes to the counter and asks...

Idiot: "Speak Polish?"

Me: "No."

He shows me his ID and he's the dude from the E-RX's. I try to explain to him....

Me: "We have your prescriptions but they aren't ready. It will be one hour."

Idiot: "No, no. My doctor said ready."

Me: "No, they're not. We just got them. It will be one hour."

Idiot: "One hour?"

Me: "Yes."

Idiot: "Not good!"

Me: "I didn't say it was but it's one hour."

It's quite apparent that he really didn't understand me. Fuck 'em. You know, I can accept that some folks don't understand nor speak English. English is a hard language to learn. However, if you cannot understand nor speak English then it would be wise to bring someone who CAN understand and speak English. This is especially important when dealing with medicine because if I ask you if you're allergic to the medication your doctor prescribed and you say "no" because that's the only English word you know, don't get mad at us when you into anaphylactic shock. And don't come back with some idiot English speaking kinfolk who acts all incensed because none of us speak your language and couldn't help you out. These fuckers have no right to be mad when they couldn't be bothered to get off their ass to help you in the first place.

5. Sucks to be you

Fucktard calls up and says...

Fucktard: "I need a refill on my birth control."

She gives me the refill number and I tell her....

Me: "Your prescription is expired. We'll have to contact your doctor."

And here's where the fun begins...

Fucktard: "What do you mean it's expired? I have 2 refills!"

Me: "This prescription, and the refills, are only good for one year from the original date."

Fucktard: "The last time I got it filled, they told me I have 2 refills."

Me: "You did have 2 refills but they're expired."

Fucktard: "I don't think you understand. It's the weekend and my doctors office is closed. If I do not take my pills, my menstrual cycle will be all messed up."

Me: "Ok? That doesn't change the fact that your prescription is expired and that we have to contact the doctor for more refills."

Fucktard: "Then why did they tell me I have 2 refills? They should've never told me that! Why did they lie to me?!"

Me: "You weren't lied to. You asked if you had refills and you were correctly told that you have 2 refills. Those refills expired on 3/15. You could've gotten those 2 refills prior to that date. Because it's past 3/15, your prescription is expired."

Fucktard: "Why didn't anyone tell me that?!"

Me: "We do tell you that via your prescription label. All prescription labels tell you the expiration date of your refills."

You know, I've never understood the attitude of "everyone is responsible for my health EXCEPT for me". If you aren't going to take care of your health properly and put that responsibility into someone elses hands then you have NO right to bitch when things aren't done to your satisfaction. Grow the fuck up!

6. Sweet Jesus

So M my Little Hottie Beefcake is having trouble getting an insurance to go through. I take over and at one point, I need to find out who the primary card holder is....

Me: "Who's the card holder?"

Shitwit: "Tom."

Me: "Ok, what's his birthday?"

Shitwit: "I don't know."

Me: "How is Tom related to Jim?"

Shitwit: "That's his father."

Me: "You don't know your sons fathers birthday?"

Shitwit: "No."

Me: "I cannot bill the insurance unless I have that information."

Shitwit: "Ugh! Hold on!"

And she whips out her cell phone, dials a number and annoyingly asks her baby daddy for his birthday. I guess in this day and age, it's totally insane to know the birthday of the man who penised you enough to shoot his seed inside of you that resulted in a child springing forth from your loins. Then again, I'm the kind of person who likes to find out that information prior to being face down ass up. I guess I'm old fashioned like that.

7. Quit playin

Assmunch comes to the counter and informs us that he wants to transfer prescriptions from Walmart to us. He's asked if he's got the prescription bottles and he doesn't. He says...

Assmunch: "I want everything filled. It should be in the computer."

M: "You had them filled here?"

Assmunch: "No, Walmart."

M: "We're not Walmart."

Assmunch: "I know but I want to fill them here."

M: "Ok, I need the name of the medications and Walmarts phone number."

Assmunch: "Can't you just look in the computer for that?"

M: "Uh, no."

Assmunch: "Why not? I get them there all the time."

M: "Because we're not Walmart."

Assmunch: "But it should be in the computer."

M: "We're not connected to Walmarts computer so I can't look in their system to find out what you get."

Assmunch: "But I want to get them filled here."

M: "Ok, if you give me the name of the medications and Walmarts phone number, we can call and transfer them."

Assmunch: "I don't know the names. That's why I told you to look in the computer. It's all in there."

At that point, I was waiting for M to climb onto the counter, drop kick Assmunch in the neck and put him into a choke hold until he either tapped out or died from suffocation. I, personally, would prefer the latter.

8. God help us

The phone rings and I answer it....

Me: "Pharmacy, can I help you?"

Idiot: "I just took a pregnancy test. What does negative mean?"

Me: "Negative means you're not pregnant."

Idiot: "Oh, ok. Thanks!"

Me: "No, thank you!"

And I thanked her because the last thing the world needs is more stupid people.

9. Lord have mercy

Fuckface comes to the counter to pick up a prescription. Her insurance rejected it because it says it's too soon to be filled because it's been sent out via mail order. Here's where the fun begins. She flips out and says...

Fuckface: "That's wrong! I don't get mail order!"

R the Pharmacist: "I can only go by what the insurance says. They said that this was sent out a few days ago."

Fuckface: "Well I haven't received it yet and he really needs this medication!"

Me: "I thought she doesn't get mail order?"

Fuckface: "I spoke to the insurance and they said it would be taken care of and that it would be ready."

R: "That's not true. I'm trying to submit a claim to them and they're not paying for it."

Fuckface: "Yes, they are."

R: "Uh, no they're not. The only thing I can do is call the insurance to find out what's going on."

Fuckface: "There's no need to call the insurance! I already spoke to them and they said it's ready!"

R: "They're wrong."

Fuckface: "Do your job, Guy, or I'll come back there and do it for you."

Me: "Considering how busy we are, can we take her up on her offer? We could use the help especially from this intelligent being. She may be able to teach us peons a thing or two."

And you can bet your sweet asses that I was laughing my ass off at this. She reminded me of the old Walter Lantz cartoon of the man being told he needs to watch his nerves or he'll explode

10. I hate people

Jagnut is standing at the counter with a prescription in hand. I make the mistake of asking...

Me: "What's your phone number?"

Jagnut: "I don't know. It's in the computer."

I didn't know what knowing your phone number required high intellect.

11. Along the same lines

Halfwit comes to the counter and asks....

Halfwit: "Can I take this medication with everything I'm on?"

Me: "What medication are you on?"

Halfwit: "I don't know. It's in the system."

Great answer. After all, when you're in a horrific car accident, they're rolling your stupid ass into the ER and they ask you...

ER surgeon: "We need to know what medication you're on so there won't be any interactions."

It's not going to help them when you say....

Halfwit: "I don't know. It's in the system."

And you all wonder why I hate people.

12. Stop that!

So I'm standing in the drive-thru, entering in prescriptions or taking care of problems when it never fails. Some asshole will roll up and will ring the God damn bell while I'm standing there. That annoys the ass off of me because these idiots actually think I'm going to stop what I'm doing just to help them. It got so bad that it pissed T off and she gets on the speaker and says...

T: "She's standing right there! She'll be right with you! You can stop ringing the bell now!"

And they try to feign innocence by claiming they didn't see me there. I guess that can happen when you have your head wedged firmly up your ass.

Now onto the lighter side of things. We have a new pharmacist, H. We just love her to pieces. Considering that she's got a foul mouth like the rest of us, she fit right in. So we're standing around when a script came in for Suprax. For some unknown reason, I thought it was on a manufacturer back order. T pulls it off the shelf and says...

T: "We got some right here!"

Me: "Well spank my ass and call me Charles!"

And that's when H comes over, slaps me on the ass and calls me Charlie. Needless to say, I damn near died laughing. I also thanked God that I didn't exclaim "Fuck me up the ass with concrete dildo!" like I normally do.

For some ungodly reason, the higher ups like to think part of our job entails hawking shit like we're used car salesmen and one of those things are flavors. I, personally, think that flavoring medication makes it taste worst, I don't bring it up unless a customer request it and the only time I do suggest it is for a medication called Cleocin granules. The reason for that is and to quote H...

H: "Cleocin smells like farts and taste like shit!"

See? Didn't I tell you she fits right in with the rest of us vile savages?!

-Speaking of H, here's another blast from the past from 4 years ago. I've died AGAIN!! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!

-This video has been making the rounds and needless to say, it's maniacally hilarious. I show it to J. She dies laughing. However, nothing could prepare us for H the Pharmacist's reaction. I show it to her and the look on her face was priceless. That pales in comparison to the question she asked, which J and I were totally not prepared for: "Is that a Black one? It's kind of big!"

All I'm going to say is that there really is a God because He saved J and I from dying from laughter. In fact, I'm laughing so hard that I'm crying as I type this. This shall forever live in infamy! Enjoy! And if you haven't seen this video, just remember H's question while viewing it and it will make it even more funnier!!

youtube

-Who the fuck pulled this heinous crime?!!!!!!

-I see a car about to pull up in the drive-thru so I head over to answer it. Just as Asshole rings then bell, she feels that's the perfect time to get on her phone and light up a cigarette....

Me: "Can I help you?"

Asshole is running her cock holster on her phone.

Me: "Can I help you?"

Asshole take a drag from her smoke.

Me: "Why are you in my drive-thru?"

Asshole seemed really upset that I rudely interrupted her phone call: "I'm here to pick up a prescription."

Me: "What's the name?"

Asshole: "Shit Wit."

Me: "Do you have insurance?"

And that's when her passenger answers: "I have Public Aid."

Me: "Do you have the card?"

Asshole: "It should be in the system."

Me: "It's not. I'll need to see the card."

Shit Wit: "I don't have a card. All I have is this."

And she hands me a piece of paper with an ID number on there.

Me: "This number isn't going through. Medicaid says you're enrolled under a managed care program. I tried looking up coverage but nothing comes up. You're going to have to call your insurance and get the billing information."

Asshole: "Public Aid says that's all you need to bill them."

Me: "You were misinformed. So you'll need to call them and get the billing information."

Asshole: "Can't you call them?"

Me: "No."

Asshole: "Why not?"

Me: "Because it's not my responsibility to get your insurance information. It's almost April. If you know you have new insurance but they haven't sent you a card, you should've taken care of that in January. You shouldn't be going 4 months into the year without a new card or at least without getting the correct billing information."

Asshole: "So are you saying she can't get her medication?"

Me: "I'll be more than happy to sell you the medication at $115."

Asshole: "But she has insurance! I don't see why you won't call to get the information!"

Me: "I don't see why you don't call being that you have a phone in your hand."

Asshole: "Just transfer it to a different pharmacy."

Me: "If you want it transferred, go to the pharmacy of your choice and have them call us. You have a good day."

And that's when I had to walk away. Seriously, ya'll. It's almost fucking April. If you know you have new insurance and have not received a new card, what in the fuck are you waiting for?!! This just defies logic.

-So once again our hours got cut, for whatever fucking reason. The crazy part was I went to the fast food joint across the way and had a motherfucking epiphany. While I was waiting for them to hook me up with lips and assholes, I noticed they had at least 6 people working in that joint. 4 people cooking the food and 2 people taking orders. Mind you, this wasn't during a rush hour. It was around 3pm. It dawned on me that this food joint had more people working in it than there were in my pharmacy. At that time, it was 3 techs and 2 pharmacists and the only reason there were 3 techs and 2 pharmacists was because it was the overlap. Normally, it's just 2-3 techs and 1 pharmacist.

We're a busy pharmacy. So why in the fuck am I killing myself, running around like a nut, getting upset when I can't finish my job or do my job correctly when the company I work for refuses to properly staff the pharmacy? There is something SERIOUSLY WRONG when a fast food joint has more people working to make sure people get their lips and assholes in a timely manner than a pharmacy where we literally have peoples lives in our hands where a mistake can harm or even kill someone. I don't get it. Perhaps I should get into stripping. I may not be able to drop it's hot but I can lay it down like it's lukewarm. At this point, grinding on cock seems way better than running around like a nut, getting stress headaches and being told we're not working hard enough.

-Easter Musing:

When a patient gets mad at you because you can't tell them what their copay will be just by looking at their prescription but has to whip out their cell phone and look in their contacts because they don't know their own fucking phone number.

#pharmacy #pharmacy tech #pharmacist #pharmacy technician #pharmacy hell #pharmacy follies

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