#tank and ophelia were the ones I struggled with the most

[xx-j4nu5-c4t5-xx]

the strangeteens as the four horsemen of the apocalypse

(this was started as a joke and it ended up taking three days please have pity)

closer looks under the cut

Johnny is pestilence (the pale horse), Ripp is famine (the black horse)

Tank is war (the red horse), and Ophelia is death (the white horse)

[marvels-writings]

Colors

Yelena Belova Masterlist

Requested by Anon: imagine a very feminine reader who loves dressing up and doing her hair and makeup meeting yelena and the first thing yelena says is like “do you always dress like that?” earning a snarky response from the reader

Word Count: 1k (so damn fluffy)

A/N: So i may have edited the request a bit so it’s before their first date, and i hope you’ll still like this.

This can be read as a oneshot or a sort of a prequel to Choices

Quiet music played in the background in your room, the earrings you held in your hands glinting in the bright sunlight seeping through your windows. Your grin was unmatched by the brightness of any of the objects in your room, not even the sparkling necklace you wore.

Every part of your outfit screamed girly and cute, and you loved it, more than anyone. Your makeup matched your bright yellow sundress, which went just above your thighs. It was littered with tiny sunflower patterns, minimalistic yet cute.

Proud of your outfit, you spun a little in the mirror, grinning even wider at the way you looked. Fixing up your hair, you turned off the music and waltzed outside. The rest of the team, enjoying their day off, lounged around on the couches, finally wearing something except for mission attire.

Yet none of them were wearing something out of their way as you were. You gained their compliments along with their raised eyebrows at the sudden change. All of them seemed a little surprised at the sunshine crossing their path, all except for two Russian assassins.

Natasha smirked knowingly at the reason for your outfit, gesturing her head in the direction of her sister's room. She did not doubt that Yelena was probably panicking about what to wear today, even though it was nothing too fancy. It was just a park date you'd invited her to, but it was all the more special to her.

It was special because you'd been the one to ask her out; after the months she'd spent pining over you and struggling to impress you. It seemed that her desperate, sometimes hilarious attempts to win you over had succeeded as you skipped over to her room.

You knocked on the door, smiling as you fidgeted with the strap of the matching purse you'd carried for your phone and your wallet. Mentally checking through everything you wanted to have for this date, even the present, you stood in front of Yelena's door.

It opened to reveal Yelena standing there in a tank top and jeans, clearly expecting Natasha instead of you. Her eyes widened, the door moved to shut, hiding the clothes covering the length of her bed. Her indecision was still obvious in the way she tried to hide her disheveled state.

She licked her lips, greeting you with a timid smile, her eyes looking over your outfit. Your once proud grin dissipated to a nervous smile, no less proud but more hesitant. Her hazel eyes continued to take in every detail of your outfit, from the hoop earrings to the patterns on your dress.

"Do you always dress like that?" Yelena asked, gesturing to you with her hand. Her voice contained so much disdain for you; it wasn't the approval nor the appreciation you had been expecting. Taking offense to the comment, you raised an eyebrow, setting your hands on your hips.

"One of us has to look good for our date." You remarked, eyes narrowing at her. She flinched a little at your response, gaze falling to the ground. You frowned at the response; not thinking the comment would have much effect on her.

You knew it didn't offend her when you caught the grin she was trying to hide. Yelena shook her head at the comment, opening the door wider to usher you inside. You stepped in, eyebrow-raising in response to the clothes littering every inch of her room. Her entire closet emptied.

"Help me look good for it?" She asked, a timid smile on her face as she toyed with her fingers. A grin covered your face at her nervousness, turning around to a sight that melted your heart even more. She was so nervous to go on this date, her knowing smirk gone and replaced by the most hesitant of smiles.

You nodded in response to her request, grinning as you began to sort through the clothes on her bed. Many of them were too fancy for a party, let alone a park date. Yelena perched at the corner of her bed, watching you intently. A light frown covered her face when you marched out, only to be replaced with a bigger grin when you returned with your speaker.

An indie playlist rang through the room; you danced a little bit to it while matching outfits together. Yelena even asked you to help organize her closet, solely to watch your nose scrunch when you couldn't figure out how to arrange them. She made up tiny excuses or flaws in the outfits you chose so you could pick out other ones.

Anything so she could keep watching you. These moments of bliss were more than she could imagine, seeing you this happy just to pick out an outfit for her. Your outfit was better than anything she could pick out, but she could never pull off something that... bright.

You resembled sunshine in it, looking bright enough to light up her bleak room. Enough to light it up so she wore something except for her greys and blacks. She eventually settled on a yellow shirt that Natasha had gifted her as a joke, knowing she would never wear a color that bright, paired with black jeans and a tight leather jacket.

Quickly changing into it in the bathroom, she opened the door to her room to see you organizing the clothes into tiny piles, but the jacket on your shoulders wasn't one you were wearing before. It was hers, a black denim jacket that matched the color of the sunflower patterns on your dress.

A grin covered her face as you hooked your arm through hers, letting her guide you out of the room and toward the park. You talked about everything and nothing on the way there, smiling at the odd glances Yelena got at her choice of clothes.

Yelena watched as you proudly showed off your selection of outfits to Natasha. She rubbed the back of her neck bashfully, boasting the bright colors she wore, grinning at the jacket you wore. You didn't take it off, not even when the sun blazed down on you at the park.

Your adamance to wear her clothes stretched to even after the date, when you helped her organize her closet, stealing some sweatshirts and hoodies on the way. Her first date with you wasn't anything like she'd planned, but if these were how dates with you were.

She was happy wearing whatever you wanted her to, even if that was the most vivid colors you could find. Anything to see your bright smile.

A/N: Tell me what you think!! I did put some effort so feedback is fantastic!

Tag List: @capcarolsdanver, @versdan, @lesbian-girls-wayhaught, @lovebotlarson, @dhengkt, @hstoria, @natasha-danvers, @veryfunnyal, @xxxtwilightaxelxxx , @ophelias-heart , @never-didbefore , @justarandomhumanhere, @the-most-unicorn-of-them-all , @thatssocamryn , @lesbian-x-blackwidow , @marvelbbyx , @wlw-imaginesss , @hcartbyheart​ , @summergeezburr​ , @imnotasuperhero , @a-stressedstudent , @aaron-despair , @rooskaya-yelena , @dynnealberto , @thewitchandtheassassin , @wannabe-fic-reader , @izalesbean, @higherfurther-romanova , @natalia-quinzel , @blackxwidowsxwife , @studies-styles , @procrastinatingsapphictrash , @mxxnmocha , @ladyeliot , @wandavixen , @blurryylines , @thewidowsghost , @wlwlovesreading let me know if you’d like to be in any of my tag lists!

[keiratheraven]

Bentley 8 Squad Characters Description

(First, forgive me for my broken English. Second, sims close-up in sims 3 gameplay isn't so good and I can't install pose player for some reason, so I have to go to CAS just to take their closeups).

This is the description of the characters from my fanfiction, Bentley 8 Squad. Like I said in my previous post, they called themselves "Bentley 8" because all of them like Bentley cars. They are living together in a house in Sim City. Each nicknames represent their traits/styles and positions in this squad. Their friendships are inseparable, and they're always there for each other. They established a mental health community named "Im-perfection", and their goal is to help everyone who struggles with mental health. Their Im-perfection community tagline is: "It's okay to not be perfect, and we are perfect because of it". Despite their obstacles, they're always finding ways to chase their dreams in their early 20's. By the way, some original characteristics are changed for the storyline.

Angela Pleasant (Bentley Queen) - age 20

She's ambitious, fashionable, popular, cheerful, and a trendsetter. As a cheerleader captain and queen bee of Pleasantview high school, Angela knows how to fit in. She's always friendly to everyone despite her stuck-up personality, and it made some people nicknamed her "phony" behind her back. But as she gets older, she became more sincere, especially after she's taking a master's degree in psychology. She and her twin sister, Lilith, disliked each other when they were teens. But she apologized to her and they became friends. She also has interests in fashion design. She's a great home cook, and excellent at making cakes. Angela is a good listener to her seven housemates. She loves Dustin so much although they came from different social circles. She suffers from eating disorders and endometriosis, but it doesn't limit her to become a (soon-to-be) psychologist.

Lilith Pleasant (Bentley Gothic) - age 20

She's often misunderstood due to her attitude and black clothing. She's sharp, gloomy, sarcastic, hot-headed, and somewhat rude. But she's really nice if you know her well, and she will do everything for her close friends and lover (especially her boyfriend, Dirk).

Despite her parents (Daniel and Mary-Sue Pleasant) treated her unfairly and favored Angela over her, plus she and Angela disliked each other when they were teens, she's forgiving and didn't hold grudges. Unlike Angela who was a queen bee, Lilith was one of the outcasts in high school. As a lead vocalist in her high school band, and she's taking art major, Lilith is a great artist and talented rock singer/guitarist. She has bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, but her manic-depressive phases make her even better at making arts and music. That's the way she deals with her mental disorders : pouring all her emotions into creations as a coping mechanism.

Dustin Broke (Bentley Rogue) - age 22

He's rebellious, bad-ass, tough, daredevil, and likes to break the laws. He used to be a criminal and drug dealer in high school. He liked to smoke weed and use cocaine. Back then, he liked to steal things. But actually, he's not a bad person. He's really soft on the inside but pretends to be tough. He cares a lot about his seven housemates, especially his beloved girlfriend (Angela). His mother, Brandi Broke, is married to Dirk's father (Darren Dreamer) several years after his father (Skip Broke) passed away.

Then, he realized his dream was never to become a criminal. He quits his criminal career to become an architect. Also, he suffers from schizophrenia caused by the drugs and trauma (his then-alcoholic mother, Brandi Broke, often beat him up when he was a teen), but medications and his job keeps him stable. He's getting nicer and trying to do good, although his rebellious nature is never faded.

Dirk Dreamer (Bentley Brain) - age 21

He's good, selfless, genius, bookworm, and compassionate. He's the smartest among them in this squad. He graduated from medical school at age 19, then he took psychiatry specialization aside from his dream to be a general practitioner because he wants to recover his girlfriend (Lilith), his step-brother (Dustin), and his best friend (Angela) from their mental disorders. As a kind doctor, Dirk is always helping people or put everyone's priority first before him, especially all of his housemates. His hard-work is because he wants to make his late mother proud. He's good at treating sick people or saving lives, and he'll be distressed if he fails to keep them alive. But, he has a terrible sense of humor. He has a library in their house, full of his book collections. Despite his struggle with type 1 diabetes, it doesn't stop him to become a successful doctor. He wrote a best-selling book about his journey as a diabetic psychiatric resident.

Johnny Smith (Bentley Leader) - age 23

He's nice, athletic, charismatic, commanding, and a party animal. He's so confident despite having a green skin due to alien descent. As the squad leader (and the oldest member) who has a black belt in karate, Johnny is trying his best to guide and protect all his friends and lover (Ophelia) in this squad. Johnny is a great organizer and planner. His perfectionist nature makes him never missed any arrangement. He has a bachelor's degree in business. He also likes to be a party DJ in the clubs. He's the second-best home cook in their household after Angela. Although sometimes he's loud and bossy to his seven housemates, it's because he cares and wants the best for them. He suffers from OCD and PTSD because he got beaten up by 9 people, stabbed on his abdomen, and thrown to the filthy dumpster due to hate crime against green-skinned sims when he was 18. But, he's trying to let go of the past, learning karate, and became a successful young executive.

Ophelia Nigmos (Bentley Flower) - age 22

She's kind, worrywart, mysterious, graceful, and patient. She likes every kind of flower, and her hobbies are gardening and writing. Motherly and nurturing, Ophelia knows how to give attention to her seven friends/housemates (especially her boyfriend, Johnny). She likes children, and she's working as a kindergarten (sometimes elementary school) teacher. She's also a talented writer. She has a strong interest in literature and has a bachelor's degree in it. She's also a successful blogger and their Im-perfection website admin as well. Her parents died when she was 10, and she became independent and quiet since she moved to Olive Specter's house in Strangetown. She's often panicking and worrying about the smallest things. Although she has anxiety and paranoid personality disorder, caused by the ghosts of her old house, only writing and gardening that can calm her down beside the meds.

Ripp Grunt (Bentley Clown) -

age 21

He's playful, humorous, hyperactive, talkative, and a heartbreaker. He slept with more than ten women (and also slept with men). But, he never fell in love with them like the way he fell in love with Ophelia and Johnny. As a drama student, Ripp is a talented actor and entertainer. He's great at imitating impressions. He can do a pantomime or stand up comedies as well. He likes to sing/play guitar and often posting duet cover videos with Lilith. He also likes to post pranking videos. His nice and funny personality makes him great at consoling his seven housemates when any of them gets sad, even though he often cries alone when he remembers his past because his father and older brother (Buzz and Tank Grunt) abused him when he was a teen. He wants to become a successful actor and musician despite his struggles with ADHD and chronic gastritis. Although sometimes he can't control his manners or actions, He's still trying to do the best.

Puck Summerdream (Bentley Fancy) - age 22

He's good, shy, polite, thoughtful, and serious. Charming and well-mannered, Puck knows how to treat everyone nicely. Coming from the most respected and wealthy family beside The Capps in Veronaville, makes him the richest sim in this squad. But he's still humble and doesn't want to talk about his wealth. Unlike his peers in Veronaville, Puck didn't want to get involved with Capp-Monty feuds, and he's always trying to be nice to both sides. He likes to wear suits and bowtie. He's an expert in classical music because he has double degrees in mathematics and fine arts (music branch). He likes to play the piano, violin, saxophone, and he can conduct an orchestra as well. He often treats his seven friends at the restaurants, movie theatre, and concerts. His sensitive nature makes him a little bit over-emotional. Despite his weak heart, and his depression caused by the death of his girlfriend (Hermia Capp) due to the mass shooting at Academie Le Tour three years ago, Puck will never let grief or disease obstructing his dreams. He became a successful conductor, and his dream is to bring peace with his music.

Bonus pics

Six of them autonomously spending time together at the gym (Lilith is not in the pic).

Puck and his new girlfriend, Marina Prattle from Bridgeport. She's really a pretty sim for a sims 3 premade.

[crystalelemental]

Oh man.  GamePress apparently updated the offensive tier list to be AR exclusive, and boy have there been some changes.  You know I have opinions on this one.

Okay let’s start with the obvious part: how in the hell is any Legendary hero considered above Tier 2?  Like, are we not factoring in score?  Or are we only accounting for if they score well?  Because realistically, half the time, a legendary hero is an active detriment to the scoring.  Also it turns out this isn’t just offense, but both offense AND defense, since Mirabilis is Tier 1.  So that’s gonna be...honestly, a bit confusing.  I’m sure some people can tell which is which, but I’m willing to bet others aren’t clear.

Let’s start with the biggest changes at the top.  Eliwood and Brave Roy are now Tier 1, likely because Galeforce.  Nothing else is different that I can tell.  Maybe some demotion?  But nothing substantial.  Lysithea is finally recognized as Tier 1, and I’m certain it’s because of her power on AR-D.  Girl is obscene.  Otherwise, Fallen Julia is the only other T1 Red Mage, and damn good on her.  Idunn demoted, but honestly, fair.  AR is not for her.  Armor units are not hard to handle, and are pretty bad on offense.  Especially with Thrasir existing, armor dragons just have a rough go.  Spring Idunn and Tibarn alone are T1.  What I do find interesting is that Dancer Micaiah didn’t maintain.  I guess the Hardy Bearing effect isn’t as impressive anymore.  Also Karla stayed T2, that’s...astonishing, actually.  Duo Byleth is also T2, which kinda makes sense.  Defense can’t make use of her Duo skill, and her bulk is pathetic, so any typical ranged defense unit can handle her.  On offense, it’s going to be tough.  Desperation effect is good, but conditional on having a fast team, not to mention Galeforce sets can require the foe to retaliate, like with Eliwood/Brave Roy.  So I can’t say I’m surprised she’s not on top.

Lance seems to just be B!Lucina, Duo Ephraim, and Trio Palla.  Which is fair.  Blue mages, though?  Damn is this crowded.  L!Azura and Peony, because obscene dancers.  Ophelia, because bitch.  Duo Alphonse, because immortality.  Brunnya, because honestly Fimbulvetr is perfect for this game mode, and she’s got the infantry status and abilities to do whatever she wants.  And L!Julia.  I’m willing to bet she’s more AR-D focused.  Rafiel and L!Chrom are also T1, of course.  I think what really surprises me is that Reinhardt is T2.  Is anyone else surprised about this?  I guess he’s not the most threatening thing in the world anymore, but still.  Actually wait, what’s REALLY neat is that Naga is T3.  So clearly scoring considerations are not paramount.

Axes have V!Duo Alm, Annette, L!Edelgard, and B!Ike.  Because of course.  All of them are ridiculous.  Mages have L!Celica, Thrasir, and Fallen Lyon, with beasts/dragons having Reyson.  Which, again, makes sense.  I’m glad Surtr demoted to T2.  I really don’t think of him as the most threatening aspect of AR anymore, even on dedicated stall, so this feels overdue.  Yune’s also T2, which..okay, fair.  While I think she’s great, she’s a ranged flying unit who plays defense, and her debuff game is crippled severely by Eir’s bonuses.  It’s super weird that F!Kana demoted, though.  She was T1 before, and that was entirely based on AR potential, so...okay.  Guess the meta has shifted hard enough against her.  Also, big shoutouts to Julia for maintaining T2 status.  That’s my girl.

Bows have L!Alm, L!Leif, V!Faye, and Duo Marth.  I can’t speak for Duo Marth, I don’t have him, but I feel like the fact I’ve never faced one means he’s at least not good on AR-D.  I can vouch for V!Faye, though, holy shit.  In fact can we establish Tier 0 for the primordial beings that break the world over their knees?  Anyway, Bernadetta and B!Lyn are T2, and I’m betting that’s for hit-and-run offense teams.  Also Norne’s T2 now, which is super correct.  I’ve felt this for a while, and the forum backs me up pretty hard on it: Norne’s the best common archer by a mile.  But of course, you all know what I’m going to say.  There is no way Faye is T3.  I have played her ranged defense game long enough to know that she is really strong at it.  While some threats like Lysithea can blow past her, and Thrasir isn’t always one-shot with my current supports, she is very capable of performing better than T3.  Also, poor Clarisse.  Finally gets a kickass refine that’s just not particularly great for AR, and instead of climbing the ranks of the offensive tier list, they change the conditions on her.  Girl can’t catch a break.

Dagger/Mage combos have, of course, Bramimond, Leila, Eir, and Duo Micaiah.  Absolutely no surprises here.  What is surprising, maybe just to me, is that Winter Cecilia is down to T3.  She was considered T2 for a long while, and I’d guessed that was based on AR potential.  I guess Duo Micaiah is causing substantial problems for armors across the board?  But man, Larum is T2.  LARUM.  Larum sucks, what could she possibly be doing that’s useful?

Dragons/Beasts have Fallen Female Corrin, Leanne, Mila, and Velouria.  I love everything about this.  Leanne makes sense for Defense teams, Velouria is a great Galeforcer, Mila is probably the best Light mythic for supertank strategies, and Fallen Female Corrin makes me happy because Fallen Male Corrin is only T2.  Get fucked, loser.  Your higher BST does nothing for your shit ass.  I do think there’s an argument for Caineghis in T1 for an offensive supertank, but honestly, he struggles.  To a degree I’d say he’s worse than Faye.  We don’t have any beast Mythics, and the only offensive dragon is Mila.  His DC is conditional on transforming, and he’s an armor unit.  He can’t run Null C-Disrupt, or Null Follow-Up like she can, so there are defense teams that can beat him by exploiting this.  I feel like Faye’s a lot better, but hey, what do I know.

And finally, staves.  Bridal Fjorm is the only one in T1.  Brave Veronica actually dropped, which is funny because she was T1 before solely on AR.  She doesn’t place in Arena.  I guess the meta has shifted away from Brave Veronica lately.  I haven’t been scared of one in a long time.  And hey, Maribelle is T2 as well, and Forrest got pushed up to T3!  Unfortunately, Brave Camilla was reduced to T3, so she’s still below B!Veronica.  Which in this game mode I guess is fair.

Now for the opposite end of the spectrum.  There are now 6 tiers, which I like.  I feel the subdivisions are appropriate, we have enough units that categorization was tough.  T4 for lances and swords was like 60 units before, I’m glad it got cleaned up a bit.  For red stuff, Alfonse remains at the bottom, but is no longer alone.  NY!Camilla, Chrom, V!Conrad, Beach Fiora, Hinata, and NY!Hrid are also down there.  Haha, Hrid, get fucked you loser.  That’s for January 2019, you fuck.  Mages here include Canas, Julius (ouch), Leo, Beach Leo, Raigh, and Beach Lorenz.  No surprises.  There are no dragons, daggers, or bows for red down here, the lowest they go is T4.  Hysterically, every form of red Tiki is in T4.  Also, maybe this is me not understanding something, but NY!Anna and NY!Eir in T4 surprises me.  I thought their weapons were considered great team support.  Are their stats just not optimized for it? 

T6 lances are many.  Too many, I’m not listing all of that.  What I will say is, tell my Forma Finn running on the double cav Galeforce defense team that he’s T6.  Considering I only lost two matches at all last season, and only 38 Lift, I’d say he’s doing alright.  But there are probably better options out there, I’m just working with what I have.  Mages are just Oliver and M!Robin.  Man, I hope M!Robin goes up with the resplendent.  Leave Oliver to die.  No dragons, bows, or daggers, they’re all up in T4 where...where...no.  No, there’s no way.  Lilith has warp abilities from anywhere.  NAESALA is considered T4, despite being paired with Tibarn for some of the nastiest offensive AR-D strategies out there.  Mordecai has the Smite thing.  I don’t agree with this at all.  And Ninian is T3?  Even though she’s one of the top picks for Infantry Pulse AR-D dancers?  I know Nils exists and is better in every way pretty much, but that’s a bit much to me.  I think the blue dragon/beast section is the most ridiculous by far.

There are also a lot of axes down in T6, but I agree with all of them.  The green mages make me sad, though.  Picnic Leo, Cecilia, and Female Robin.  I do think F!Robin has a lot of utility within the game, but...honestly they’re super right, she cannot possibly compete in AR.  Defense teams have no use for her, and offensive teams using her as a support are a bad idea with Panic Manor around.  Mostly Cecilia makes my heart hurt.  Come on, IS.  Null C-Disrupt Raven Tome when?  As with the other tiers, all dragons, bows, and daggers of this color are higher ranked.  That said, L!Lyn in T5.  Get fucked.  There’s also...absolutely nothing controversial about their T4 picks.  Green’s pretty well sorted, good job team.

The only colorless option with units in T6 are healers, where we have Azama, Mist, Wrys, Sakura, and Lissa.  Nothing controversial here.  In fact, nothing controversial in T5, either.  What is sad but super true, is that F!Grima’s here.  All the other colorless beasts and dragons are clustered in T1 and T2, but she’s down in T5.  Expiration refine when?  Felicia and Jaffar are the lowest ranked daggers, to no one’s surprise.  None of the bows are shocking either, except I’m kinda surprised Niles isn’t at least a little higher.  I feel like his massive Res must account for something when attempting to tank out the many ranged magic threats on AR-D, right?

Overall, I...actually agree with the majority of this.  It’s a solid tierlist for Aether Raids.  There are some things I don’t entirely agree with, but would have trouble arguing in their favor in the current meta.  Like Micaiah.  As we move entirely away from armor units, Micaiah becomes less and less significant.  I do think the blue dragon/beast section could take some revisiting, given that goddamn Naesala is down in T4, but one area that seems off isn’t bad when you have so much to organize.  I like it.  Definitely a lot better than the previous list, because at least now we’re specialized.  Before, there was always an argument that a certain unit was better or worse based on performance in a specific area.  But here, it’s more stable.  I’m not sure if there’s intent to make an Arena one, or if that’s even necessary since scoring is a lot more specific for Arena, but we’ll see.

[writesbatty]

days 14-29

complete with unedited content notes from the facebook group i’m in

29/30

i love to rewrite the classics

to make persephone send hades running

(keep that 'rewriting the story of persephone as a love story’ shit several hundred miles from me, thanks.)

to give echo back her voice

to let arachne weave her tapestries once more

rewrite pride and prejudice so lydia bennet does not marry a rapist

get jane eyre out of her aunt's home sooner rather than later

find ophelia a therapist

remind everyone that tragedy can still have a happy ending

  28/30 content warning: mentions/discussions of sex and consent. this is very vulnerable and im uncomfortable and DOING IT ANYWAY rip

.

.

.

i tell my boyfriend i think we should start scheduling sex

but that this is not some indication of failure in our relationship

i know he worries that my complicated relationship with sex is some reflection of how attractive i find him

(it doesn't help that the past few years seem to have taken my ease of flattery away from me

i don't know when it got so hard to tell the love of my life he looks good in tank tops

and black jeans like the ones he wore when i met him)

but it's not that

it's that i don't think about it, the same way i don't notice i am hungry till i'm starving, don't notice i'm thirsty till my head aches and spins, don't notice i am anxious until i am already in the middle of panic

it's that i was in a relationship where i never thought about the word no, it never occurred to me as an option, and now i end up consumed with pointless worry that i do not really want this

i try to talk to my therapist about these things, but i never really know what to say

how to explain my ex never set out to hurt me and half of it was my fault, but i am still feeling the aftershocks years later

without sounding like i am making excuses

(maybe i am, i don't know, i have always had a hard time with blame, with holding others accountable)

but at the same time i never want to imply what happened was more serious than it was

nothing like a genuine violation, nothing that should label me victim or survivor

nothing like what others have gritted their teeth and fought through

maybe some of it is the meds

it's hard to tell

how much is the meds and how much is the trauma and how much is just me

and why has it been six years and i still can't

-casually tell my boyfriend he has a nice ass

-sit in my boyfriend's lap

-fearlessly messily uninhibitedly make out with my boyfriend

because some paranoid corner of my mind is afraid to say 'no'

(nothing would happen if i said no, because everything would stop happening, it's not fear that makes me question, it's the idea of disappointing someone i love, and that's all on me, not on him)

my boyfriend is an angel with a nice ass

(seriously, i am not overstating this, he has a very nice, round butt)

and when i tell him

i think we should start scheduling sex

he kisses the top of my head

and talks about how bob and linda on bob's burgers schedule sex, and they have like, the best marriage on television, so clearly we're in good company

and pulls me over to the couch to feed me ice cream and scratch my back

  27/30 warning for like. harry potter/jkr 'discourse' or something i guess?

listen, we all should have known jk rowling was going down in flames the moment she made harry james potter a fucking MAGICAL COP at the end of the series

i have a list of problems with the deathly hallows epilogue that is longer than the actual epilogue and this is at least three of them

will somebody cut harry a fucking break?

why on earth would someone punish this abused, traumatized, exhausted person by giving them a career that will repeatedly remind them of every bad thing that has ever happened, which is most things that have happened to harry potter

harry potter should have been the defense against the dark arts instructor

harry potter has intimately seen both sides, every inch of light and dark

and he saw them as a child, he grew in them like a weed in brackish water, an in between neither fresh nor salt

(but he chose good, he always chose good, and it was always a choice, and it wasn't always easy)

let him teach other children to protect themselves

let him eat lunch with neville longbottom so they can discuss their students and make sure no teacher ever treats kids the way snape treated his students

the way snape treated harry and neville

let harry spend his weekends in hogsmeade with friends both old and new remembering only the light spots in the dark days of his schooling

let him know the joy of helping a struggling student

(this is how he will carry on remus lupin's legacy; that and the bar of honeyduke's finest chocolate in his desk)

let harry potter retire and spoil the ever loving shit out of all of his grandchildren

let harry potter put the past behind him

consider the fact that we don't all want to devote our lives

to fighting the demons we met in childhood

  26/30

nightmare at 20,000 feet is the most terrifying episode of the twilight zone

and what an apt title

what an apt metaphor

because what could ever be more nightmare then knowing the worst is just outside the window

but no one else can see it

25/30 this ends like super abruptly but idk how to end it Properly and i need sleep so. shrug emoji.

it's like a bad joke, this harmless word that never stops following me

you know those tasteless reddit posts about trigger warnings? how there's 'no way' someone could be traumatized by something so normal

so small

that's me. i am that joke.

a man at the aquarium calls his young daughter pumpkin and i–

i swallow a wave of nausea

i try to ignore the way my skin begins to crawl

and my heart speeds up

and i can hear the sound of his voice

it's like time travel

it's like a curse

just say 'pumpkin' and i fly back in time and it's like my body does not know that he is dead

that he hasn't called me pumpkin in nearly a decade

you would think it would be the mocking, the insults, that would ring like shots through my echo chamber brain

but

it's that fucking petname

it's 'i'm sorry, pumpkin' in his voice and the look in his eyes as he digs the hole in my chest just a little bit deeper with another fake apology

an apology all for him

when he came to my high school graduation there were rules

-he could not drink

-he could not apologize

-he could not call me pumpkin

24/30

it's funny

this disconnect between the me i know and the me other people know

at home i pace the floor, building up the courage to call for a cab

at work they tell me i am good with people, that i am no nonsense

at home, i twist my hair in my fingers as i struggle to tell my partner of nearly six years i need something to eat

at school they called me confident, self assured

i wonder where this other me is when i need them most

where is this confident and self assured version of me when something actually happens?

when someone is in trouble?

when someone gropes me in the street?

when someone needs them?

when i need them?

23/30

weirdly specific sections i wish i could find at the bookstore:

unconventional sci written by women and queer people

dystopian fiction that ends hopefully

non-ableist romance novels with disabled protagonists written by disabled people

young adult romance novels about lesbians and magic with happy endings

poetry for queer girls who really like artemisia gentileschi's art

collections of personal essays about hospital waiting rooms

college kids from dysfunctional families getting their shit together and falling in love

narratives about found families of misfits

young adult novels about queer romance and theatre kids

the exact novels you needed to read at 15 when you were scared and alone and will still make you cathartically sob while reading in a public park

(this last section is real except it's just the francesca lia block shelves in the young adult section)

how to guides on how to be a person when your body and the world you live in are crumbling to pieces rapidly

advice on how to make your best friends move out of state to be closer to you

novels where the protagonist goes through hell but they come out the other side and are still an essentially good and optimistic person despite their trauma because the world is a terrifying place and we need fiction and narrative to remind us of the potential for hope

22/30

edit: i just word vomit typed this directly into the comment box and it got weirdly long so Be Aware

elle woods is my personal hero

i'm blonde

'yes sarah'

i'm sure you're thinking

'i know, i have seen you'

but it's more than that, okay? i am blonde on the inside. my heart and soul are blonde. i talk to people and they say 'i can't imagine you not blonde' because the concept of me any other way is absurd

maybe because its the one thing everyone always loved about me. when i was a kid, everyone wanted to play with my hair. i had barbie hair, disney princess hair. long blonde waves like strands of gold.

i grew up telling blonde jokes, so everyone would know i was Smart and Cool. i got teased for being a nerd and a four eyes and for awhile everyone called me 'dictionary' because i knew how to spell zombie. smart was more important to me than cool, but i still told blonde jokes. the blonde swims ninety percent of the way to the other shore, gets tired, and swims all the way back, and god if that isn't a metaphor for my life. god if i haven't spent 25 years fighting not to be the blonde who turned back.

when i almost failed math in my freshman year of high school my father told me i should give up and become a playboy bunny because i didn't have a future. a childhood friend asks when i will grow out of the color pink.

i am a blonde the way i am pink. spiteful. elle woods walking malibu barbie through the halls of harvard. elle woods taking notes in pink sparkling pen. elle woods handing in her scented resume printed on pink paper.

elle woods saying

'what, like it's hard?'

i tape my thesis pages to the wall with glitter tape and pin my blonde hair back with a flower clip and i wear baby pink leather heels with bows on them.

'what, like it's hard?'

21/30

why do the aliens always want to kill us?

why do we always build a giant weapon?

why can't the aliens come to earth to help us?

why aren't scifi movies about healing?

20/30

ode to vestibular stimming

i do not like metal music

i'm sorry, it's just not my thing

but good god do i understand why people head bang

and why people mosh

when i was a kid i loved jumping on the trampoline, and the way it made my heart and brain jump and soar and bounce

now i can't jump on trampolines anymore but

i can listen to british pop music in my living room and laugh and feel that soar and jump and bounce as i swing my head from side to side and up and down and sometimes, for extra fun, twist my torso around a little

like i am so much energy and so little body but finally it has somewhere to go as my hair swishes against my face and an unstoppable grin spreads across my face and

don't you ever wanna just let go?

don't you ever wanna shake your head until the dizzy chases everything else away?

19/30

i like to talk to the creatures in the tanks when i do my aquarium rounds

the old man of an octopus in the floor tank i call gramps

my favorite sea star, a purple velcro star in the touch tanks, i call zippy

mostly i just call everything 'buddy'

'hey buddy, how ya doing today?' or 'come on buddy, scootch down from the top of the glass'

i apologize to the anemones when they close up because people have touched them too much

and i apologize to the jellies when it takes me more than one try to scoop them out so i can change their water

in middle school i noticed a rip on my baby doll's neck so i made her a neck brace from the sash of a build a bear robe and propped her up on pillows every night, so she wouldn't rip anymore

i am nearly 25 and i still feel guilty when my stuffed animals fall to the ground

i am nearly 25 and i keep multiple stuffed animals in the bed i share with my boyfriend of nearly six years

a common misconception of autism and other similar social disorders is that people on the spectrum do not experience empathy

and in some cases this is true

but an often ignored aspect of these disorders is that anything you could lack, you can also have too much of

hyper-empathy is when you are so receptive to others feelings they become your own

they become so much your own it causes you physical distress

and everything

everything

has feelings

i once got sad about throwing away a pair of pants because i had them for just... so long

i once cried on an apartment balcony because my neighbors i had never met, never even SEEN, were fighting

today i watched a young boy scare simon, a seagull who hangs out by the aquarium, by screaming at him

and it broke my heart a little even though i not especially fond of birds and am, in fact, kind of afraid of them

sometimes i sit and think about the things my dad experienced and my aching too big heart thinks

maybe it was okay

maybe the things he said were okay, because of what happened to him

my aching too big heart always forgets

things happened to my mother, too

things happened to me, too

and neither of us turned out like that

articles on the internet talk about hyper-empathy like a super power

call it 'being an empath'

to me it has always felt more like a bruise

like my aching too big heart just can't stop pumping blood to the tender surface of my skin

18/30

a very angry letter to a lady who came into the aquarium yesterday. less poem and more just 'complaining' but wow, i am still mad like 36 hrs later

for the love of god, lady

what is your fucking problem?

you are a grown adult. you have multiple children, some of whom are teenagers, and this is how you behave, in public, in front of your family?

are you incapable of basic human decency? did no one ever teach you manners?

yes, there is a disabled person and their caretaker in this aquarium, and yes the person is making noise. people make noise. you are in a fucking public place. children scream in here literally all the time. the seals scream. parents scream. sometimes the people who work here scream, because it is the only way you can hear us over the damn seals.

so why, lady, do you feel the need to make some rude ass comment about a person you don't even know, and look at me like

you expect me to play along

i wish i could say something to you but i am an employee and that is not polite but

if i was just a person i would tell you to shove it

but i wish i could have been a staff member AND told you to shove it

so i could have told you, hey, lady

this person helping you, telling you all this information about sea stars, is also fucking disabled

and your rude as hell eye roll and 'oh great, here we go' and 'really?' and loud scoffing is not appreciated

and frankly you can kiss my autistic ass and get the fuck out

17/30

capitalism is broken

and the reason i know this is because of jurassic park

not the franchise but the canon, the universe it exists in

every time i complain about the jurassic park universe

demanding to know why, for the love of GOD, do people keep opening these parks full of dangerous dinosaurs

someone always tells me 'the money, obviously'

as if capitalism was a reasonable excuse for making a super t-rex that eats people

as if money were an excuse for making yet another death trap

yet another super dinosaur that's going to –inevitably– escape and eat and/or traumatize someone

the idea that the people who built jurassic world looked at the events of jurassic park and thought

the money is worth it

we won't fuck up this time

is completely fucking baffling to me

i suppose maybe i am meant to see this as a heartwarming representation of the american refusal to fail

if at first you don't succeed, try try again, after all!

but i think about the news article i read last night

about how insurance companies worry curing diseases is not profitable

and i think about all the lives lost and therapy needed because everyone in jurassic world refused to learn from john hammond's mistakes

and i don't think any of this is saying americans refuse to fail

it's just saying we don't care how many times we kill people if there's good money to be made

16/30, inspired by how affectionate the characters on new girl are with each other

all through high school i did theatre, and i don't know if this is a universal theatre kid thing, or just something we all did

but we were all about physical contact

we were a bunch of misfit touch starved pets

piling seven teenagers on one sofa, every part of you touching somebody, every part of you warm

and i miss that

all that platonic but physical affection

i am a very affectionate person, and i find myself fighting to seem 'normal' in social situations

reminding myself not to wrap my arms around people, or rest a hand on someone's leg, or call casual friends babe, or offer people bites of food

this is how i lived all of high school

sitting in laps, holding hands in the halls, kisses hello, shared drinks and forks

i miss it

i don't understand our desire as a society to deem intimate touch romantic

why shouldn't i kiss my best friend on the cheek? why shouldn't friends hold hands?

we are social creatures, after all

we don't start out like this

we sleep in heaps at slumber parties, we play doctor, we play house, we do each other's hair

why does all that stop because we get old enough to want to kiss people?

doesn't that seem silly?

15/30 write more love poems about your friends guys. love your friends tell people you love them. i love telling people i love them. i love u. all of u. here's a poem about my best friend aka the greatest human on earth, the guildenstern to my rosencrantz

so i've known my best friend since 9th grade

except

except actually i met her in 3rd grade and didn't know it until 10th grade

and she wasn't my best friend until college

except

except she was, i think, maybe the whole time and we just didn't know it

on my fifteenth birthday she came with me to get my nose pierced and gave me a hand drawn birthday card that quoted my favorite green day song

once we spent six hours on skype drawing bad caricatures of celebrities

and when i left to grab a snack she yelled after me

"don't you go where i can't follow"

our senior year we read "rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead" for ap english and we started calling each other rosencrantz and guildenstern

and when she gave her senior project speech on william faulkner she cried, not because she was nervous, but because she loves faulkner and she got emotional

she is exactly 12 days older than me, and a taurus, and she plays a bunch of different instruments and one day we're going to start a folk punk band called the rebel amish

last summer we went to the deyoung together and laid in a shag covered bean bag chair watching the light show in the summer of love exhibit for like an hour

and we took a selfie in some giant gold antique mirror

and when i picture my future, she is as much a part of it as my boyfriend

this other love of my life, this girl with the bright eyes and the once broken nose and who is always willing to sit and talk about books

or the shitty people we went to high school with

or weird titles for potential memoirs

this amazing person, who is the only person i would trust to drive me through marin county while eating a mcdonalds cheeseburger

it is a different kind of love, sure

but it is a love story

and it is ours

14/30 which i wrote but forgot to post because i was playing video games

i wish my own mysteries were this easy to solve

just look for the spot that glows

and unearth what's hiding

no crying

no years of therapy

no buried memories

just point and click

[marvels-writings]

Hi! Would you write a Cap Marvel x Reader in which Carol struggles with her sexual orientation after she meets r/continues running into r and just feels really nervous but is interested in getting to know r, smiles when something reminds her of r, daydreams on occasion, possible stuttering, scared of what others will think but when she's with r that fear just melts away, truly comfortable/feels at home with r. r is supportive, redirects Carol's attention from rude bystanders when together etc

A/N: This is gonna be long, I’m trying to include word counts

Word Count: 1658

Dreams are often confused with reality, especially vivid dreams. Similar to the one Carol was having, she was dreaming she was sitting on the couch, watching a movie with you. You were sitting in Carol’s lap comfortably, but Carol could tell you were getting bored so she poked you and asked you about it. You turned around with a smirk, moving quickly to straddle her before meeting your lips to hers.

It felt real, Carol could feel the fabric of your leggings under her hands, she could feel your lips moving over hers as you pushed her against the back of the couch, it felt too real to be a dream. 

Carol woke up from the dream with a soft smile on her face, convinced it was a reality until she noticed she was only lying down in her bed wearing sweats with sunlight streaming through the windows. After realizing it was a dream, she sat up quickly, moving short hair out of her face in shock. 

She couldn’t have feelings for you, you were her best friend. Carol had just come out as queer a few weeks back, but this was more confusing than anything. You can’t be attracted to your best friend, right?

Carol pushed the thoughts out of her head and got up and went to the kitchen to find you making eggs. You wore a simple tank top and black sweatpants, you turned around and grinned at her, gesturing for her to sit down on one of the barstools in front of the counter. 

“Good morning.” You greeted casually, flipping the egg over to cook it from both sides, walking to the fridge to take some bread out as Carol stared at you dreamily.

“Earth to Stargirl,” You joked, waving your hand in front of her face, effectively snapping her out of her daze. 

“Hi, uh hey,” Carol stuttered, sliding to sit on one of the barstools, fidgeting with her hands on the counter. 

You frowned at how nervous she was but decided not to ask questions, she looked confused enough as it is. You put the bread in the toaster and lowered the temperature on the stove.

“Are you feeling okay?” You asked, leaning back against the counter. 

The blonde looked up at you and nodded before getting up to make coffee. You shrugged and turned around when the toaster was done. After putting the toast on a plate and almost burning your hands in the process, you put the egg on top of it and handed it to Carol who took it with a bit of surprise. 

“Thanks,” Carol smiled, putting the plate in front of one of the seats before resuming to make the coffee.

“So, do you want to get lunch with me today?” You asked, bumping your hips with Carol’s lightly to hog more space, you didn’t expect her to fluster at the simple action. 

“Sure, where, where are you planning to go?” Carol asked hesitantly, getting her coffee from the pot.

Neither of you noticed Tony come into the kitchen after staying in the lab for over a day and steal the breakfast you’d made for Carol. You noticed first.

“Tony! That was for Carol.” You whined, flipping the egg and turning around to see Tony looking like a guilty child, he smirked and quickly ran off before you could take the toast back.

Carol laughed at the interaction, taking the toast out of the toaster and putting the egg you had been making on the toast, taking it instead. You laughed at her, making yourself another plate of eggs while she headed over to the counter to eat. 

“Oh and I was planning that burger place you like that’s nearby since I have training with Natasha and honestly I could use the calories.” You answered, making yourself a scrambled egg after it broke apart when you tried to flip it. 

“What time?” Carol asked you shrugged, taking the last piece of the toast and putting it on your plate, putting the scrambled eggs on top of it after.

“1ish?” You asked, sitting down next to Carol, your knee brushing hers slightly. You saw the action fluster her and you backed off without needing her to say anything.

“Sounds great, wanna watch a movie?” Carol asked, getting up and putting her empty plate in the dishwasher before resting her elbows on the counter, leaning forwards to face you.

“Sounds great Stargirl.” You grinned, wolfing down the eggs and walking over to the couch, flopping down.

The next half an hour or so passed quickly as you argued with Carol on what to watch. You wanted to watch a Star Wars movie, Carol wanted to watch Sherlock. Eventually, you settled on one episode of Sherlock then a Star Wars movie till lunch. Carol grinned smugly while putting on the movie, she hadn’t bothered telling you the episodes were almost an hour long.

Her dream was still in the back of her head whenever you moved to sit closer to her. You eventually ended up laying your head on her shoulder, bored already. Carol blushed as memories from the dream rushed to her. 

“How long is this?” You whined half-way through the episode, Carol laughed and instantly moved the remote out of your reach. 

You pouted, trying to get your way but Carol only laughed harder. Frustrated, you moved to try to get the remote from Carol’s grasp, eventually moving onto her lap to try to get it out of her reach. Carol still held her arm at full length to keep it from you, grip faltering when she realized you were practically straddling her to try and get the remote. 

You took the opportunity and took the remote, grinning down at Carol with the remote in your hand before you noticed the awkward position you were in. Carol was blushing furiously, her hands rested at her sides awkwardly, your eyes widened and you quickly slid off of her, putting Rogue One once you were comfortably settled on the seat next to Carol.

The rest of the movie went by quietly until both of you were starving, you switched off the movie and went to change to go outside as did Carol. Both of you met outside the compound after changing. You wore a fav/color top with ripped black jeans, black Adidas sneakers and a smoke grey denim jacket slung over your shoulder. Carol had worn acid-washed blue jeans, a plain white t-shirt, and her signature brown leather jacket. 

“Let’s go.” You grinned, slipping on your jacket and leading Carol out, noticing how she was hesitant to follow you.

“Is everything okay? You’ve been acting weird recently.” You asked, walking back to where Carol was, she looked up at you nervously and started walking, you followed her. 

“I just, I don’t know,” Carol muttered, you frowned, it wasn’t like her to be this nervous, especially around you. 

“Chances are, I would try me.” You suggested, smiling when Carol chuckled at your attempt at a joke. 

“C’mon, try me.” You repeated, bumping your shoulder with Carol’s lightly as you walked to the burger joint.

“We’re best friends, and I don’t know but I think I feel more for you than just a friend,” Carol confessed, running a hand through her short hair while avoiding eye contact with you.

“And I don’t know what everyone else would think about it because I don’t know how I feel. You’re beautiful and you could date anyone you want to, so I don’t want you to wait for me.”

Carol felt amazing to get it off her chest, the feeling was quickly replaced with anxiety when she turned to you. She expected you to be furious with her, it didn’t make sense for her to be confused and you didn’t want to wait for someone. But she didn’t see any of that, she saw your eyes soft as you looked at her, heart-melting at your smile.

“I’m flattered,” You stated with a grin before continuing, “I don’t mind waiting, you’re my best friend too, and I’d love to be your girlfriend if you’re ready for that.”

Carol had stolen your heart the second she met you, everyone had told you she was straight so you pushed down your feelings. But after she told you this, you had a hope, even if it was only a little, it was more than what you had before.

“Let’s go eat then,” Carol changed the topic, you laughed at how nervous she still was before walking with her to the restaurant. 

When you were about to cross the road, you weren’t paying attention while telling a story to Carol and making animated hand gestures. Carol saw the car heading right to where you were walking and grabbed your hand, pulling you back. Your eyes widened when you saw what she had saved you from, you thanked her but didn’t let go of her hand the entire time, continuing the story anyway. 

A few people stared at both of you holding hands while walking through the streets, you noticed Carol get more nervous and squeezed her hand reassuringly and directed her into the restaurant. Lunch went as it always did, you joked about random things that happened to you, Carol laughed and told some stories of her own, laughing the entire time. 

Carol could barely pay attention to any of the stories or the animated hand gestures while you talked. She was too busy treasuring the feeling of being truly comfortable around someone. Nobody could make her feel like she was at home, she had been through too much for that, but you made it all go away and made her feel normal. 

When she was around you, she felt more like herself, not Captain Marvel or any other names, she was just Carol Danvers. She was home with you, she wanted the feeling for the rest of her life. 

Tag List: @capcarolsdanver, @versdan, @lesbian-girls-wayhaught, @lovebotlarson, @dhengkt, @5aftermidnight, @hstoria, @natasha-danvers, @veryfunnyal, @xxxtwilightaxelxxx , @ophelias-heart  , @never-didbefore , @justarandomhumanhere, @the-most-unicorn-of-them-all , @thatssocamryn , @lesbian-x-blackwidow , @marvelbbyx , @wlw-imaginesss let me know if you’d like to be in any of my tag lists!

A/N: Thoughts? (feel free to drop something in my inbox)