#tagging into the tag for the benefit of those that saw my frustration post about not being able to find the manual lol

[luckyemo]

wait people know tsumiki was abusive to patients before being accepted into hpa/meeting junko right like thats 100% canon and the reason she went into nursing was because she enjoyed having people dependent on her and isnt above making them be dependent on her

[thedreamparadox]

Jackle's bio done! HUGE shoutout to @spyroid101 for the picture of Jackle's bio from the PS2 remake manual.

Disclaimer that I do not actually know Japanese and am putting these translations together through a mix of jisho.org and two different translation software (google translate and deepl) and referencing various websites about the meanings of words.

Original Japanese:

ジャックル

大きなマント���身を包む、　最もクレイジーなセカンドレベル。奇想天外な手段を使って、何が何でもビヅターを恐がらせようとする。彼まとう大きなマント には、どんな攻撃もはね返す無敵の力が宿っている。ウワサでは、ワイズマンがファーストレベルを創り出し際失敗作だとか...?

My translation:

[Jackle]

The most chaotic Second Level, shrouded in a huge cloak (mantle).  He uses bizarre ways to frighten Visitors by any means necessary. The huge mantle he wears holds an invincible force that repels any attack. Rumor has it that he was a failed attempt by Wizeman to create a First Level...?

Translation notes:

Interestingly, unlike NiGHTS and Reala, Jackle is actually referred to by a gendered pronoun! Kare (彼) meaning he/him. This is only used once, but I elected to use the gendered pronoun thing throughout for consistency.

The katakana for 'crazy' once again shows up like it did in NiGHTS' bio, so I kept with the consistent use of it meaning 'chaotic' as I found on a website while working on that bio.

Jackle being a failed First level is 100% canon! That's so neat.

[hms-no-fun]

i love the commentary against those wannabe murderers who shouldn’t drive but you do realize not everywhere has public transportation right? also like not everyone with a car hates poor people what is that mindset in your tags. i’m poor and disabled and can’t walk everywhere in a city that barely has sidewalks. and the only public transportation is like one very expensive repurposed school bus

that's exactly why i'm always talking about transit! i grew up in oklahoma, i'm a public transit evangelist because i never had access to it until VERY recently. the attitude espoused in my tags is an honest expression of my own frustration with car owners and car culture. personally, i find it very annoying that every time i make a post like this i get a note like "umm not everyone who has a car is evil, actually in the suburbs you HAVE to have a car to survive." as if i don't know this? i lived in the suburbs most of my life working shit jobs without a car, so i walked everywhere, sometimes riding my bicycle on the highway as the only way to get to work. part of the reason i left the film industry was the realization that i simply couldn't continue doing the job without a car, and besides not being able to afford it i just don't trust myself behind the wheel and never have. at the same time, i've seen how car ownership can become an albatross for low income people, a vortex of debt and obligation that could be solved instantly if accessible transit were an actual priority of the ruling class.

don't you want to be free of this? have you so resigned yourself to the impossibility of public transit where you live that the best you can think to do is "well actually" a complete stranger who's talking about something that would directly benefit you? i understand that car culture is imposed upon us and a lot of people would choose to take trains/buses if they were available. but i also understand that a gargantuan quantity of car owners i've met and encountered become bloodthirsty freaks when even the minorest of inconvenience shows up while they're driving. i hate car owners! my brother in law once openly boasted at a kitchen table full of kids that if he saw an occupy protest in real life he'd mow them down with his car, and then everyone laughed because SUBURBAN CAR OWNERS ARE FUCKING INSANE and they should be persecuted! by which i mean public transit needs to be invested in on a massive scale, alongside a program that disincentivizes car ownership! i want that to happen WHERE YOU LIVE! i want your life specifically to be better than it is! just because you're a car owner doesn't mean i hate you. good car owners also hate car owners, in fact most of the urbanists & transit advocates i know are people who are forced to rely on cars to get where they're going, who've spent most of their lives in the suburbs and only recently escaped to a city that still only *barely* has good transit, and are saying a lot of the same things i'm saying anyway. we're frustrated and fed up with a world that is totally owned by car dealerships, and in the absence of a broad socialist movement we're instead fruitlessly venting our frustrations online.

[cathodic-clairvoyant]

You are actually the only person I have seen say anything that makes sense regarding HDWR recently, thank you for your good takes. I love this manga, but it really feels like I’m not reading the same story as most people sometimes

I for the record think that there is a lot (in fact i'd say majority) of interesting discussion about hdwr, even now, (just the other day in the main tag i saw a post that i liked talking about tamaki as a character & her and miwa's relationship and despite the subreddit having a lot of silly posts lately i think a couple months ago around ch. 113's release there were a lot of good comments about MiwaSae and both of their development throughout the story and I think even now there's good discussion about ch. 119 and miwa and tamaki burried in the silly stuff) and in some sense like i feel like the current wave with ch. 119 was always going to happen, it's a very emotionally charged topic that we're seeing how much it hurt a character people tend to like so like i understand being upset by it and having strong opinions about it.

That all being said, the kind of discussion that tends to surround the story of "sae was unfair/toxic to miwa" "tamaki has always been manipulative" "yuria is unfair to sae" are baffling to me because I feel like to get anything out of this story- to not instantly just be frustrated with it- you have to interact with it a little bit on its terms and I think part of that is acknowledging that these characters are more complex than the simple one word "abusive/toxic/manipulative/innocent" labelling and have complex emotions and imperfect reasoning that cause them to make mistakes, be cruel to each other, and do the wrong things. This doesn't excuse the characters' actions but that's not what the story is interested in doing anyway.

And like, I don't think the story is for everyone, I don't think everyone has to want to interact with the story on those terms; which is why while i personally don't agree with the kind of people who say "i had to stop reading when miwa and sae broke up bc it was too sad/too frustrating" and the like, I can at least understand it as just the story has goals that reader doesn't want to engage with, which is completely understandable. Where it confuses me is getting so far through the story and still not choosing to interact with the story on its terms. What are you getting out of this story then??? Does viewing sae as toxic enhance the story for you? Is it a useful way in looking at the narrative?

Especially since I feel like tamifull has attempted to make these characters realistic almost to invite us the reader to examine both ourselves and our relationships as we read. Is How Do We Relationship a useful tool to to analyze yourself or your own relationships with if you flatten the characters into good and bad? Is that a lens you'd want to view your own relationships with? I don't think so. I feel like the only things it could lead to is "i wouldn't make that mistake because I'm not toxic." "i wouldn't find myself in this situation because me and my partner aren't like them." So like. What benefit does viewing these characters in this way give you? You clearly seem to agree with/like the goals of the story if you're still here 100+ chapters later so like. What are you getting out of this?

I dunno. Like i said, I do think there's still a lot of good discussion about hdwr. That's why I still lurk the subreddit and read posts in the main tag. It's just this specific genre of discussion i can't understand especially when it happens with like more recent chapters

[circulars-reasoning]

"CDD systems should have the ability to use the CDD related tags (did, OSDD, etc) without endogenic posts." i have two opinions about this

1- if a system does not want to see crosstagging they can block tags like endogenic, or block users. it's up to people to moderate their own experience for the most part.

2- what if there is a system who is endogenic (originally) but later developed a disorder like CDDs connected to their plurality? they deserve to use those tags. alongside just... posts about general systemhood stuff. like "haha when you have a fictive and they relate to their source" or similar posting that can relate to both disordered and nondisordered plurality. that can fit in the DID/OSDD tags.

(also "speaking as someone who has survived a major car crash that was caused by endogenic misinformation about my disorder." what do you mean?? car crash?? how did misinfo about concepts of selfhood affect the likelihood of a car crash?? car crashes happen because cars are dangerous, not because someone said "i think did is [x misinformation] actually")

1. It’s up to people to moderate their own experience, but people also have the right to be frustrated that they have to moderate their own experience because people can’t learn to tag correctly.

2. This hypothetical is so rarely the actual case and is a bad faith reading of the original post. People without CDDs are using the CDD tags to post in. This problem shouldn’t be brushed aside or ignored due to hypotheticals. Yes, I agree with this, but it’s not the point here.

And as for my car crash…

I think it’s incredibly bold of you to waltz into my inbox and suggest that my car crash just happened, and that it’s nobody’s fault (despite not knowing any of the circumstances leading up to this). What benefit would I, a pro-endo system who is constantly trying to convince people that endogenic systems exist, find in lying about what happened to me?

I don’t owe you anything. But I feel like this’ll be educational.

When I was in college, I was bought in by radinclus pro/endos who accepted my odd plurality (see here: completely normal DID experiences). They told me I wasn’t traumatized, that I couldn’t be because I was raised rich — so I accepted this, naively, and continued to go home from college (an hour long drive) every single weekend, back to the people who had emotionally and sexually abused me.

This hour long drive took quite the toll on me. It didn’t help that endogenic systems had convinced me that visualizing my ‘headspace’ was healthier than living in real life, because it made my ‘headmates’ more real.* This worsened my dissociation to the point that I never saw my own body as mine — I saw it through a screen, and oftentimes there was a delay to my actions due to the sheer amount of dissociation I was experiencing.

I was driving late at night down a 50mph road. It was foggy. My car doesn’t play well with fog, and the only way to handle it was to blast heat on the windshield. I was tired, because I had been awake for a straight 48 hours writing a paper, because for some reason, I had lost hours of my life to ‘zoning out’ (hint: alters switching in, resulting in amnesia).

But don’t worry, guys. Endogenic systems had my back. See, I’d been worried that year about how exhausted I was. Had I gone to a doctor, they would’ve informed me my vitamin D levels were dropping dangerously low, a fact I only learned 4 years later after I graduated and finally got blood work done. But I didn’t need to go to a doctor, the endos told me.

“Switching gives you energy! The headmate who comes in will be fresh because they haven’t been fronting! If you need to stay awake just a bit longer to get those papers done, you should ask someone else to switch in!!”

I was 19. I was actively being abused and convinced I wasn’t being abused (by endos). I was so dissociative that I was seeing my alters in real life (due to endos). I was triggering myself again and again and again to force switches by thinking out the only traumatic memories I could remember (because of endos).

I’m the specific alter who was fronting at the time of impact. I remember it really fucking clearly. I had just switched with Numb, and because of how I was visualizing at the time, I saw him next to me in the car. My husband was next to me, his hand on my shoulder. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw Sierra and Wade in the backseat, asleep on each other. Sie was asleep in Wade’s lap. Debbie was directly behind me, staring out the window, trying to ignore I was there.

Rice wasn’t included, because “that’s your core, and psychologists will force you to become like her.” She wasn’t important enough to my dissociative daydreaming. She was locked in her room for years (because of endos).

I remember thinking “this is so good. Here I am. My entire family is with me. I’m driving with them.”

That’s when I woke up, as I drove my car, going 50mph, into the back of a truck that was stationary. The truck had a family - a real, blood and flesh family, with three small children, a husband, and wife - who was turning into a development. Had I not hit the truck, my car and my sleeping self were moving directly toward oncoming traffic, which was also going 50mph.

Had I somehow missed all the cars, I would be driving into a ditch.

Hitting that car, in the exact way I did, at the exact time I did, was the only thing that saved my life that night. Count the lucky stars for small blessings, I guess.

Had I never been brought in by endogenic systems — had I never been fed such horrific misinformation and believed it, being the naive little shit I was who was clinging to anyone who could explain what was happening to me — I never would’ve gone home that night. I never would’ve thought switching gave me energy, like I’d convinced myself was true. I never would’ve gone back to people I genuinely hated while I was that tired, like I convinced myself they weren’t that bad, because “it’s not like they traumatized me.”

Yes. Car crashes happen because cars are dangerous. Clearly, there’s no deeper reasons why car crashes happen. Clearly, there’s no impact on the person who is driving making poor choices because of what they’ve been taught to believe.

And as a note about how fucking manipulative some parts of the pro/endo community was? The very same people who told me I wasn’t a real traumagenic system, the people who told me switching gives energy, the people who told me to ignore my alter because she was a ‘core’? Their response to my crash??

“Oh no >: I’m so sorry. Sometimes switching doesn’t work like that.”

First I’d ever heard of it. And yet, I remained in those circles and with pro-endos surrounding me for another 4 years.

So anon? Kindly fuck off and think about the fact that you just tried to explain to me that my car crash wasn’t anybody’s fault, when it absolutely was impacted by endogenic systems spreading misinformation to vulnerable traumatized survivors.

[rogueddie]

I'm afraid this will make you uncomfortable, but you're one of the bigger stranger things blogs I see around and I'd like for people to read what I have to say

As someone who escaped an actual doomsday cult I really don't appreciate all the cult jokes in the fandom. I haven't seen you make any so this isn't a meant to call you out or anything, but I'm getting pretty frustrated and needed to talk about it somewhere, preferably somewhere people might see it

A cult-a REAL cult, not the occult-is a group of people who are brainwashed to follow a system which causes everyone in it to perpetuate the smothering of personality within each other for the financial benefit of it's leader(s)

I understand that most cults that people see in media are fictional cults that deal with fictional concepts or are sometimes grounded in reality involving failed connection with the occult. This is why the idea seems funny to people, because the notion seems ridiculous. We see Jason claiming that Eddie is running a cult because he saw occult-ish occurrences and we see that and think he looks ridiculous attributing that to Eddie. And now the fandom thinks the idea of eddie running a cult is just so funny, but can we please stop

Seeing people make jokes about eddie having a cult is very disturbing to me. His character is such an advocate for self expression and individuality. His character feels so safe to me and I hate that people are making jokes about this.

And honestly I can't imagine if Eddie were real, he'd appreciate it either. Not even necessarily for the same reasons, but just because he was unjustifiably accused of running one. I feel like he'd feel icky claiming to run one if only for THOSE reasons, even if he doesn't know how damaging cults are. I understand most don't, making jokes about worshiping any given object or whatever, but cults aren't just a group of people believing in some new mythology

I'd make a post about it on my own account but I don't want to get super personal on there and reveal my tragic backstory there

Tl;dr cults are super damaging and eddie would fucking never. People should, for the love of god, stop making jokes about it

(Sorry if this did make you uncomfortable trauma, but I think it's important. Still, don't feel pressured to answer if it does. Please include cult trigger tags if you answer)

I am fortunate enough to have no personal experience with cults so you don't need to worry, this hasn't made me uncomfortable. I do know enough, second hand, to know that escaping a cult is no easy feat. I'm really happy you were able to get out. I hope you're doing well.

I'm sorry you've had to see these jokes that have disturbed you so much. I'm not surprised that there's people crossing lines, there's some very stupid people running around this fandom. Don't hesitate to block them, even if you usually like their stuff or even if you're friends. Your own comfort should be the priority.

I should say though, if it's in a story context and they're things that the characters would actually say, I would defend that.

But, then again, I can't imagine them making any jokes about Eddie having a cult that isn't so over-the-top and sarcastic that it's clear that the joke is "isn't the idea of Eddie having a cult the stupidest thing you've ever heard?" the joke would be that Jason is an idiot for thinking so.

I don't really know how put content/trigger warnings so if I'm missing the important ones or tagging wrong, please let me know.

[deepestuniversallove]

Just a long vent about a specific niche fandom. Don't read if you don't want to hear me rant.

I just need to vent here for a little bit, and I am sorry if this i all incoherent.

I hate what fandom has become. What tumblr has become. What I have become.

I never used to be this way and never used to feel anger before, or jealousy or those 'ugly' feelings, as I was never allowed to. Being raised by a narcissist, you become a people pleaser and you learn quickly that you are never to show any negative emotions. Anger isn't permitted, disgust and unhappiness isn't permitted. As a good slave you don't need to have these emotions, so you learn to supress them to the point where you aren't ever feeling them consciously.

So all of this is so new to me. To actually f*cking hate the guts of some people on here. To fucking hate that they are so damn popular when all they do is shitposting and meme-ing the one that means so much to me to death. And even blocking them won't do a thing because tumblr still shows me their shit, or some fan is gushing about their stuff where I see it, and it just annoys the piss out of me. The tag I used to browse has been rendered useless to me here on tumblr. I long for the days when I was able to just see some nice art of him alone or serious discussions about him, like character analyses, or sharing obscure facts about him.

I don't even know why exactly it pisses me off so much - and I don't want to be the "Fun Police" here; everyone should still be able to do as they please and make whatever the fuck they want on their tumblr blogs, even if it is shitposting. Even if their stories don't make any logical sense at all.

I guess... I just wish Fandom wasn't so dumb with what ultimately are just headcanons. They are taking those stories as if they are canon when they are just fan creations, to the point where they harrass other creators who might come up with other things. For example, if you hate on Mewtwo x Newtwo because it would be "incest", then you are WRONG, because canonically, it was never proven that they were siblings. Canonically, there is no reason to think that Mew is the Mother who actually gave birth to Mewtwo (if you follow the movie-verse, that is. In the games, she did give birth to Mewtwo).

And sure, I realize that me criticising those fan creations is also taking headcanons way too seriously, but... I can't explain it entirely. I just want to be able to state my opinions. Be the one person that isn't always congratulating them on every creation, but also points out the flaws in their storytelling so that they, I dunno, may improve? I am frustrated that I can't even do that - I was told to shut up, or post my opinions on my blog only, probably so that my thoughts aren't seen by anyone and get buried. But I am fucking tired of that. I grew to hate being invisible. I hate making myself small for the benefit of others. Can't I be loud and angry for once in my life? Even if it is on the internet about something stupid? For once in my life, can't I voice my disdain for something after a lifetime of not being allowed to? After AvPD makes this nigh impossible of a feat for me?

One dissenting voice won't harm the popular creators anyway - they have thousands of adoring fans who will wholeheartedly take anything they make and not question it at all. They will go on and create what they want anyway, so what hurt does it do to say "hey, maybe this idea needs some ironing out because it doesn't make sense?"

On another note, I wish that if anyone here has a problem with me to not harrass people that may know me/are friends with me. I saw some anon going around and complaining about me to them - I'd rather you take your complaints to me directly than to them, since they got nothing to do with what I create or do.

For example, I saw someone who told an acquaintance of mine that it is hypocritical of me that I have Babytwos but "attack" others for doing the same. Listen, it is not that others have Babytwos that I critiqued, it's the METHOD of having them via a flower pregnancy when Mew is not a plant type and Mewtwo isn't either. It doesn't make any sense and I should be allowed to say at least that much without getting bullied in turn. That is really all I ask for. Getting Babytwos via cloning, test tubes, artifical insemination at least makes sense. Other than that, go ham and make as many Babytwos as you all want!

I also got told that I am not the owner of Mewtwo the character. Thank you, I know that. Where have I claimed I was? And if I feel a bit possessive over him, well, I got a damn reason for that. He saved me from unaliving myself TWICE. Thus he means a lot to me. I have been in love with him genuinely for 23 years. He is my guiding light. And while it is funny to see the occasional joke with him or a shitpost here and there, if it is constant, it just feels like you are treating him as nothing more than a joke. To me, he isn't a joke, he saved my life. I wouldn't have been posting on tumblr or anywhere at all since 2017 if it wasn't for him. So excuse me if I am a bit possessive over him.

Overall, I just wish people weren't so trigger-happy to take a contrary opinion as an attack immediately. I am not attacking anyone. You will never find me sending any hate DMs or Hate asks to anyone. I don't do that shit.

And if you hate me, you are free to do that too. I know that not everyone likes me. I know there are some people who wish I WAS dead. Or who think that I have ruined Mewtwo for them with my selfship. I mean, I got plenty of "Ew Bestiality" back in the day, if that is any indication. And it's not much of a change in the status quo anyhow. My own parents hate me, I got bullied in school when I was younger, so I am used to being disliked or hated. It used to hurt me back then, but by now I learned that giving a fuck really isn't worth it. I used to want to please everyone and make everyone happy. It used to destroy me when anyone told me they don't like me. Like, it CRUSHED me. But now? I realize that no matter how hard you try, you won't be able to please everyone. Some sadistic fucks may even get off on you trying that and failing. And many people I considered friends only turned out to just use me because of my people-pleasing tendencies.

So, fuck it. If the world is going to hate me anyway, the least I can do is to do whatever the fuck I want and whatever makes me happy. Deal with it.

[lemongingerart]

The escape, part 1 till 4.1

THIS POST IS TO COMPLETE ALL CHAPTERS ON TUMBLR! I've shared these chapters of my fanfic in links before, but never the full text. So nothing new to read, alas... (but, I'm working on the publication of arc 2 very soon, I swear 😇)

Summary: The first arc of my Armitage Hux x OC fanfic, working title "shattered ambitions, rebuilt into dreams." or, "chocolate cookies and tarine tea" depending on my mood 🤔💁.

Rating: Explicit. This is the NSFW version (first 2 chapters are SFW). So, Minors, do NOT read or interact. 18+. Family, friends and colleagues, please don't read this. :'-)

Tags & warnings: TRoS fix-it (kind of), Hux!lives, Hux doesn't like Kylo, Not a Redemption Arc, maybe a little bit, shameless OC insert (there are cliches but entertaining ones imo), slow emotional burn, medium sexual burn, Enemies to Enemies With Benefits to Lovers, Hux is a villain with villainous thoughts at first, but let's see what a different environment will do, Choking, Virgin Characters, Masturbation in Shower, and out of the shower too, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Past Child Abuse, Very short suicide mention.

I will add tags as we proceed in the story, please let me know if I forgot one!

From chapter 3 on: mentions of choking, non-consent actions, vague sexual thoughts From chapter 4 on: NSFW - mentions of sex, non-consent plans, masturbation, Hux is a manipulative asshole and a shy coward at the same time. Has shady plans. I love him.

A/N:

Hello there!

I wrote this little fanfic about 2 years ago, to get my very vivid daydreams under control. I wasn't really planning on publishing this, but it feels wrong just to have it catching digital dust on my drive. So recently, I picked it up again and started to flesh out the parts that were still missing. I haven't finished it at all, but at least the first arc is done, so I can update that one on a regular basis!

The initial fic started as smut, but somehow I've written more action scenes than lemons. And worldbuilding. And fluff. And character development. So, this has no genre? There *is* a main plot, but there are filler episodes as well to just explore the character's interactions, or just because I like to add easter eggs to my version of this vast Star Wars universe.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! And bear with me, English is not my native language. I never thought myself to be a fanfic writer at all, but I sincerely hope this is as entertaining for you as it is for me. Constructive comments are always welcome! I love to hear your thoughts and learn what I can improve!

(Also the first paragraph is kind of heavy, but it's the character's fault I swear!)

Chapter 1 - escape destiny

First Order star destroyer Steadfast , 35 ABY.

Allegiant general Enric Pryde was not a fool. From the moment he and his armada came out of the unknown regions, to reinforce the current First Order military fleet known to the galaxy, he knew. His guidance was needed for the survival of the order. 

He had watched those two immature boys for some time now, seeing how their positions within the First Order had changed. He knew that Ren was the one illegally seizing power and trying to sidestep Hux, just because he could. He saw the rivalry grow, leaving Ren and Hux bickering over the most futile decisions. It was corrupting the order, as the emperor had foreseen. 

After Snoke’s fall, there was no clear vision left, no straight path to victory any more. At least not without him, that is.

He knew his chance to seize command would come soon. Ren was now too occupied with the Jakku girl, and Hux's frustrations towards Ren’s chaotic behaviour grew every time they collided. Pryde was not happy either with the self-proclaimed supreme leader’s decisions, but at least he could use them for his own good. Hux, on the contrary, was barking like a caged Akk dog, bitterly knowing he’ll be the first to fall after his failure at Starkiller base. His misstep on D’Qar, letting the dreadnought Fulminatrix get destroyed, left a second stain on his career as well. 

Pride inwardly smiled. Hux used to be a prodigy, but he lacked experience and was too frustrated with his loss of power, and that caught onto him. And now, it appears he has no backbone to cope with the sticky situation he was in. It was like Hux's late father once mentioned to him, back when their paths crossed in the unknown regions. His son has no spine and is not made for this life. 

Thinking back at that particular conversation, it was actually surprising he lasted this long. 

Lately, Pryde noticed that Hux even stopped stating his concerns to Ren. He seemed beaten, or at least, that was the impression he was trying to make. And Ren, he was growing more and more insane. That boy was even worse to work with, a loose cannon on deck, only kept there by the emperor because he is supposed to be some part of a prophecy. Pryde suspected that the emperor’s plan for Ren would soon become clear to him. He hoped it didn't involve him having to keep answering to that short tempered idiot.

He stopped his trajectory when he arrived at the middle of the bridge, and peered outside through the front view.

It was only a matter of time for him to take over from those two foolish boys playing toy army. And then, nothing would stand in his way to shape the universe to the vision of the one true emperor. Pryde’s own flavor included, of course.

But first, he needed to catch the culprit who got word to the Resistance about Exegol. Although Hux reassured him that his men are trained well and fully indoctrinated with the first order's philosophy, he had his doubts. Lately, rumours reached him about Phasma being the one who had assassinated Hux’ father, Brendol. The fact that Armitage Hux and Phasma had been seen together more frequently, before her demise, was another big red warning sign for him. 

He had decided to keep a close eye on both of them already a while ago. Now, Phasma was eliminated, and the spy continued leaking information. 

He assumed Hux's changed behaviour towards Ren was no coincidence either. He had seen the ginger boy in action before, scheming and working his way up. He was not to be underestimated, and the fact that Ren was taking every actual decisive power out of Hux’s hands, wasn’t going to be digested well by the latter. 

Yes, the leader of the first order's army and former supervisor of Starkiller base was his number one suspect.

The hiss of the bridge's main entrance woke Pride from his speculative thoughts.

A trooper squad approached the Allegiant General, bringing forth a prisoner.  “Sir, we have found another one. As requested, we brought her here”, the first trooper reported. “Ah, the emperor will be pleased", Pryde replied. He turned to another officer standing to the left of him and replied: "Officer Trach, can you prepare the test?” Trach nodded curtly and turned around.

The handcuffed girl looked at Pryde with fierce amber eyes and spilled a waterfall of angry words: “Let me go! I didn’t mean to slice into the system, I was just experimenting! I didn’t do anything wrong, you’ll see! There wasn’t anything interesting to find anyway!”. She slightly heaved from the outburst.

Pryde looked over his shoulder and looked down upon the rather short prisoner. What a... rude chatterbox..., he amusingly thought. Such noise for such a small girl.

“Oh, but you’re not here because you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s because of what you might do in the future,” he responded, his face sporting a wry smile. Trach had joined his flank, and Pryde took the test device from the officer. The two troopers, who were escorting the struggling girl, routinely forced her on her knees, not waiting for Pryde’s orders. One of them took her right arm and pulled up her sleeve. She tried to fight back and snarled: ‘Hey, let me go! You’re hurting me!’ to her assaultants, who were struggling to keep her pinned on her position.

Pryde approached her, pulling back her head by her hair. She groaned, but found the strength to spit straight in his face. The allegiant general backed up, letting out a low growl. He wiped away the spit from his cheek with his gloves. 'You insolent bi-…' he started saying, instantly pushing the test device to the skin of her arm and definitely applying more force than necessary. He kept his distance this time, making sure he wasn't going to be covered in spit a second time. She looked him in his eyes, as if she could strike him down glaring. He chuckled, this was one of the reasons why he didn’t delegate the tests, whenever his schedule permitted it; he liked what was coming next. She was a fiery one, full of life, but not for long. 

He pressed the trigger with force, and enjoyed the way he saw her face flinch. Her eyes went teary and lost focus. Ah, he savoured that feeling of power. “You see, eventually, everyone ends up the same way.” he stated with a sly smile, releasing the trigger and giving back the apparatus to Trach.

The girl fell limp and landed face first on the immaculate deck.

Pryde turned around and went over to the center of bridge, reminiscing about moments like these, when the test subjects started to lose their consciousness. These tests were a great reminder of how he could toy with the lives he overpowered. And power, he craved.

“Report me if the midichlorian test confirms the reported values” he routiniously said. Trach nodded and took the device elsewhere.

At that exact moment, Pryde heard the repulsor doors to the bridge open again. He turned around, seeing his number one suspect and adversary approaching. 

He raised his eyebrow, confused and intrigued by this new turn of events. General Hux was limping, his leg hastily bandaged. Blood was already seeping through his uniform pants, the wound clearly caused by a blaster shot. 

Pryde noticed that the general looked even paler than usual, and somehow he lost some of his annoying pride and charisma. Not that he had much of both left lately. Of course, given the situation, he didn’t expect anything else from that overconfident boy. He always thought he was worthless, only thriving because there used to be a void in the first order’s leading positions. It appears he's not resilient enough to cope with a few setbacks , he mused. As I expected. 

He could admit though that Armitage was smart, smarter than his father, but Pryde had lived longer than him. He saw how the galactic empire had brought order to the galaxy, by ending the clone wars. He saw dozens of people with ambition come and go. The higher their aim, the greater the fall. The emperor saw through them time and time again, together with his counseling. This time, it was Hux’s turn to fall and - finally - his own time to rise.

 'It was a coordinated incursion, allegiant general', Hux recited, his voice trembling either by anger or by fear. Maybe both, Pryde considered, thinking back about his earlier train of thoughts. 'They overpowered the guards and forced me to take them to their ship.' 

Liar , Pryde thought, feeling strangely satisfied. This was it. The opportunity he was waiting for. Hux's half-baked excuse was exactly what he needed; he just presented Pryde with perfect leverage to bring him down . It seems I was right all along, and even if he's not the spy after all, I will make sure everyone believes he was. This is the perfect moment . 

 'I see', Pryde responded dryly.

 'Get me the supreme leader,'' he requested his communication officer. 

That exact same moment, he took the blaster from the nearest trooper and swiftly turned around, shooting Hux right in the stomach. His target’s body immediately flew backwards and landed several meters further, carried by the force of the blast.

The allegiant general was thrilled by the rush of action, but quickly tried to hide it from his subordinates. He still had it in him. He had to play this game to the end…

 'Tell him I found the spy,' he stated to the communication officer. 

A sense of pride and self indulgence overcame him. 'Throw the traitor's body in the trash compactor, where he belongs', he loudly stated, making sure he was heard by the very soldiers Hux had recruited and had overseen their training for decades. 

He eliminated his first rival, now it's time to move onward to the second one, Ren. 

Pryde turned towards the empty void of space, feeling the adrenaline rush slowly fading from his veins.

'Sir, what about the girl?' He heard officer Trach ask. Pryde looked up to him and turned to the side deck. He almost forgot about her. The captive was still on the floor, staring with wide eyes at the place Hux had stood, just half a minute ago. She looked pale, as if she saw a ghost. Heh . He thought. Seems like she lost that boldness already. It only took just one kill for her to witness, just that bit, to silence her. As I expected from a mere civilian.  He replied: 'Lock her up as usual. Until the results are confirmed, we don't know if she can onboard the shuttle’.

What the kriff… What's happening? First I get abducted by some creepy hooded individuals, then I seem to be on some dank first order flagship, and now this bastard forces me down and gives me this shot from a device that looked way too fragging big to be medically responsible… which was shukking painful by the way… and my head is spinning so hard.. .

Miko shortly lost her consciousness from the blood that was quickly pulled from her veins. She didn't feel the smack when her head hit the shiny black durasteel floor, everything went dark for a few seconds. 

When she regained her sight, she saw two black boots turning away from her. A moment later  after the deafening sound of the blood rushing in her ears stopped, she could hear the typical sound of a repulsor steered door opening. She didn’t feel completely conscious yet, but the adrenaline rushed her senses on full alert in no time. Someone had entered the bridge, she assumed, as that old bastard was not paying attention to her any more. 

Good, maybe she could come up with some plan, or at least get a clue of what the frack was going on here. 

She righted her head and turned towards the newcomer. Her whole body was loudly complaining, refusing her to fully lift up her head, so she turned it to the side. She couldn't really understand what they were saying, her ears were still buzzing. But somehow, she could feel the tension rising fast. It was like the atmosphere was getting electrically charged. She saw the older one of the duo, the one that just kriffing harassed her, turn around again, stepping away from the younger one and taking the blaster from the trooper next to him.

W-whoa...wwait! Don't shoot! She tried to yell, but nothing came out. She had tried to reach out with her hand, as if she could stop the grey-haired bastard from shooting the red-haired douchebag, but her body just didn't respond to her commands like it should. 

The officer fully took the shot and his body violently flung back to the bridge's main entrance. 

D-did he just kill another crewmember like it was nothing? I… I knew the  'worst order' had a fragging bad reputation, but... this? 

Miko suddenly felt sick from watching someone die in front of her, even if it was probably someone she hadn’t wanted to get to know better, anyway. She never witnessed something as life-threatening as this before, and wished she never would, again. Her stomach turned. A cold blooded murder, executed by the officer who took interest in her. 

Great .

She heard someone ask a question that probably referred to her presence, but her mind wasn't able to register what exactly was going on. The troopers that had pressed her on her knees, now pulled her on her wobbly feet. She was slowly getting able to move again, but all felt like she was in some kind of bad dream. One took her by the handcuffs, while the other went to drag the lifeless corpse to the trash compactor.

Miko was roughly pulled forward through the hallways of the Steadfast . The two first order troopers were now walking next to her, one on each side. The right one was holding the cuffs tightly. When she looked the other way, she saw the other trooper with two boots in his hands. He was disrespectfully dragging the dead officer forward, like he was sweeping the floor. The trooper to her left scraped his throat and started talking to his comrade: “the trash compactor is closer, let me first throw him in”. The other trooper nodded curtly. She shivered. She knew the First Order was bad news, but this was much worse than she expected. How am I ever going to get out of this frigging hellhole?

I have to come up with a plan , she desperately thought.  She had to try to look around for some way out.

The group turned down another hallway, reaching one of the many trash compactor entrances that existed on the resurgent-class star destroyer. She heard the other trooper sigh. Was this business as usual for them? Or were they affected by this wicked situation as well? She wondered. Their black visors and stiff armor hid their expressions very well, it was impossible to tell.

She felt a lump in her throat, thinking back about what happened on the bridge. Should I have a last look at him? She thought, somehow feeling sorry for the shot down officer. She turned her head and shoulders to catch a glance of him. However, the trooper that was holding her in check, suddenly reacted to her maneuver, and roughly pulled her cuffs towards him.  But instead of pulling her back in line, she lost her balance, falling backwards with a swirl, right onto the lifeless corpse.

Miko froze. 

She was staring right into the empty blueish green eyes of the man that was just shot and killed. 

Her cuffed hands had landed on his chest, and the physical contact with this corpse made her feel like she was going to throw up. She desperately closed her eyes to ignore the sensory overload and felt a cold chill, like a shockwave, go through her. This was how she was going to meet her end too, right? A dead lump, ready to be composted on this stupid war machine. How did this all happen so fast? And - by the fragging stars - why?

Her hands were pulled up once again by the trooper, but she felt so limp, she couldn't find the strength to react. The situation went south so quickly, and there was no escape whatsoever, she hopelessly thought.

She felt movement beneath her, and opened her eyes again, expecting that the other trooper had started pulling the still warm body. But instead, she looked in the exact same blueish green eyes again, staring back at her . 

What the fr-...? 

The presumed-dead officer quickly pulled his hand from beneath her, reaching out to the trooper holding her handcuffs, swiftly grabbing the trooper’s blaster from its holster. He shot the other trooper in the chest, before the blaster was even removed from the holster. The framed trooper turned around in confusion, receiving a shot in the stomach himself. 

In a mere few seconds, Miko found herself on the ground in between two lifeless troopers, a man who was very much supposed to be dead sitting next to her. 

She looked at him in shock, not understanding a bit from what had just happened. 

To her surprise, he looked as confused as she was. The burn from the blast was apparent on his otherwise spotless uniform and she could’ve sworn that he was really absolutely dead just seconds ago. Not that she had any experience with laying on a dead body at all, but still.

“What did you do?!” he half whispered-half shouted her way. 

“What did I do? I witnessed you die back there!” she responded with the same hissing voice. The officer ignored her reaction and started touching the hole in his uniform. “It pierced through the blaster protection, as I feared…" the man frowned. "Why were you present on the bridge?” he sternly demanded. 

Miko felt even more confused and slightly annoyed by his commanding tone. “What do you mean? And I have no idea why I was there! That creep took some painful blood samples from my arm and was going to lock me up, that’s the only thing I know!” She responded, slightly raising her voice. 

He looked at her, one eyebrow raised. “Did he by any chance say anything else?” 

Miko tried to recall the situation, but everything went so quickly and the blood loss made her memories blurry. “Yeah, he said something about some midi-what-the-hell-ian values he was going to check”. She crossed her arms, scanning his face for answers. 

The first order officer stared back at her, nose twitching, as if she had caught some rare disease. He then started rubbing his chest again in slow circles. His hand clenched at the fabric for a fraction, before he quickly stood up and started walking further into the hallway and away from her, his back straight. 

“Hey! Where the frag are you going?” Miko shouted. He didn’t respond, didn't look back at her or slowed down. He acted as if she wasn’t even kriffing there. 

She didn't like this attitude of his at all.

Miko stumbled and almost fell, having trouble standing up with her hands cuffed. But she quickly ran after him and grabbed his arm, hoping to get some response out of him. She didn't like the idea at all, but he was probably her only chance of survival, so she wasn't going to let him get away just like that. 

He suddenly turned and looked back at her with a menacing glare, as if touching him was way off limits. She backed away and forgot about her plan, surprised by his reaction and taken aback by his piercing eyes. Luckily, he paused for a second and looked back and forth, as if he was overthinking the situation.  

He sighed. “Follow me if you want to get out of this ship”, he coldly replied.

Chapter 2 - escape from Steadfast

What’s this? Why am I on the floor? And why is this odd fuzzy hairball staring at me like she had just seen a ghost? And why in the order's name is she on top of me? Hux thought in disdain. He was confused, disoriented and absolutely not comfortable with having someone invading his personal space. 

He tried to clear his mind and focus on the past events. Wasn’t he on the bridge of the Steadfast ? 

Pryde . 

He remembered. 

While his eyes were adjusting to the hallway light, he saw 2 troopers slowly reaching for the girl, unaware of him regaining his consciousness. This was the moment he needed to act on. 

He reached for the nearest trooper's blaster and swiftly shot both soldiers. The girl automatically moved to the side, making way so he could get up on his knees. 

Hux stared at the white armored bodies. What a waste, I had to shoot a total of five troopers in one day, he thought. 

He paused and gulped down the nauseous feeling he got from the turn of events. Not that any of them mattered to him any more.

The girl quickly told him what happened. He cursed inwardly. If what he suspects was true, he was just saved by a force sensitive. Ugh , he absolutely hated the thought of being saved by someone with the likes of Kylo Ren. Apart from his rivalry with the latter, he wasn’t a fan of anything that couldn’t be scientifically explained either. 

It seems that she is not aware of her abilities, though , he noticed. For now, let’s keep it that way. I don’t want to give her any ideas. But why is Pryde picking up force sensitive people? One is already too much! He felt his frustrations rise again, thinking about the self-proclaimed supreme leader and the way he used that Force power to lash out at him physically. He unwillingly touched his neck, remembering his latest encounter with Kylo.

He tried to regain his composure. Let’s evaluate the situation later, she might come in handy right now.

He looked at the two troopers he just shot. My first priority should be a swift escape, which will be much easier as long as I'm presumed dead,   he reasoned. He took the blaster from the floor, started walking and eventually called the girl to follow him. “We should get to the lower hangar, my shuttle is stationed there. I was planning to depart, so it should be fueled up by now” he stated, increasing the pace.  

He suddenly stopped in his tracks. If the girl was the only one leaving a trace, no one will know he’s still alive, even after his escape. That would give him a significant tactical advantage. He should come up with a plan to reach the shuttle without being noticed.

The girl, obviously still confused about the whole situation, walked right into him, giving him a bump in the back. 

“Watch we’re you’re going!” he hissed. She was looking back into his eyes, anger showing in hers. She pointed a finger to his chest, her hands still cuffed.  “You’re hard to keep up with, you’re at least 2 heads bigger than I am, and then you frigging stop out of the blue! What do you expect to happen!” She silently shouted back. 

Hux felt his anger level rise. This whole day had been full of stress and frustration, and this brat was only adding fuel to the fire. She should learn her place, or this is not going to work well, he thought, while grinding his teeth. She bothered him already twice in this short timespan, and with such insolence. 

But he also knew that he didn’t have any better options, and he had manipulated people into serving his purpose in the past. He had to make this work, for his own sake. 

He looked at her with cold stern eyes, then turned his head towards a hallway with an open door, leading to the hangar. “We need to get to my ship and make sure we can take off. We have to get authorization from the control tower first,” he stated.  She sighed, tried to cross her handcuffed arms and replied with a sceptical look: “And how are you going to pull that off?” 

Armitage thought he felt a vein in his brain pop, not used to receiving such answers. He refrained from the urge to verbally lash out to her and forced himself to think about the situation ahead. 

He brought his gloved right hand to his chin. She did have a point. He had to give up his cover, if he wanted to try to convince someone. He could go back to take the trooper’s helmet, call control tower, and hope that the microphone unit would cover up his voice. But using his authorization code was a great risk. Most of the troopers knew him all too well… he implicitly recruited and oversaw training for most of them, after all. He was the image of the army's propaganda. News of his demise had probably already spread, so using anything related to his identity would most certainly ring some alarms. 

His shoulder was pounded upon again, so he looked down with slight resignation. The girl was holding her hands to the side, wanting to put them on her hips, but not able to do so due to the handcuffs. “Leave that to me”, she whispered with a sly smile. 

He pulled one eyebrow up again. “What do you mean?” he responded with a slightly cynical voice. 

“Can you guide me to an access port somewhere?” she smiled enthusiastically. 

Her reaction looked somewhat childish in his eyes, and that really didn’t give him any confidence. But his plan was too risky anyway, so he could at least give her the benefit of the doubt, he considered. 

Hux pointed her to the nearest access point. She sat down on one knee, looking at the port. He was feeling very sceptical about this. How can this girl do anything with that access port? Without a scomp link, she can't even access it, he wondered. He saw her looking over her shoulder, whispering something. She’s not going to do some force magic, right… he thought in disdain, furrowing his brows.

‘PC, you can come out now’, he now heard her  whisper. A tiny droid crawled out of the neck sleeve of her jacket. It had 2 visual sensors and 4 motoric ones, it resembled something animal-like. A small reptilian type of animal, including the bulging eyes and flexible tail. The thing found its way via her arms to the access point, turning to use said tail as the communicator, the scomp link. She whispered instructions to the little droid, before she pulled out a small working pad from her gear. She started scanning the screen with full concentration and started slicing, clearly forgetting his presence.

Hux was intrigued by the droid, he never saw such a small animal-like model. The way it swiftly moved the access point’s turning wheel was peculiar, but most effective. If he was head of the infiltration division, this model would make a great asset. 

If I was still in charge… but that’s all over and done now. He gulped. 

If… only I'm able to get to Ren . The stakes were high, too high for his liking, but he would do anything to make the idiotic force user disappear. 

The droid made a squeaky sound.  The girl turned to Hux again. “All done!” she exclaimed, enthusiastic about her presumed success. He was still sceptical though, her enthusiasm only making him feel less confident. Does she really know what she's doing? She sure doesn't act like it , he wondered. But… if she really achieved changing flight plans and authorizations without notice, she could disable the surveillance cameras as well. She might even be able to diminish the amount of troops in the hangar, too , he reasoned. The longer he was presumed dead, the better. 

He asked her if she could pull that one off, and she responded positively. The droid squeaked, and she focused back on the access port. 

Hux was nervously pacing through the hallway, and although it took her and that droid only two minutes, it felt like eternity. The more dead moments like this, the more chance they could be discovered. 

He felt his heart racing from not being able to do anything, his mind starting to come up with all kinds of worst-case scenarios. He took another swing, and saw her standing up and putting two thumbs up in the air. Good. Urgent time to leave.

 “Okay, let's advance and check if your little trick worked. Walk before me and pull up your hands.” he stated. 

“What? Why?” she responded with a low tone, clearly finding his request suspicious. “I’m going to transfer you as a prisoner to the shuttle”, he explained with a hissing tone. “Oh-okay, I can go with that.” She said with a voice full of doubt. 

As if she had another choice , he thought scornfully.

The droid retreated back into her jacket, its lean form making sure it wasn’t visible from the outside. Hux removed the bandage from his left leg. The bleeding hadn’t entirely stopped, but the white fabric was way too obvious. The black hole on his chest was clearly visible, too.  “Walk closely before me, so they don’t notice the damage on my uniform,” he added, while disposing of the cloth. He took the confiscated blaster and pointed it on her back, coercing her to start walking. 

The duo marched over to the hangar deck. Hux scanned the hangar. Good, it seems the dock was manned with minimum capacity. Maybe her slicing efforts actually had their results.  

Apart from that, he spotted nothing out of the ordinary, which was a good sign. It indicated that the news of his presumed death had not reached the hangar personnel yet. If he was lucky, none of them would think back about this moment or even notice them. They had to move as subtle as possible. 

He slowly picked up the pace, but tried not to go too fast so that he had to limp. The shot wound in his leg was slowly starting to take its toll. They passed a few of the hangar crew members and he sternly nodded to a trooper that saluted him. He hoped none of them would see the sweat on his forehead. Or wonder why he was there and no pilot was with him. It’s been a while since he flew himself, after all. 

They walked on the ramp of the shuttle and he opened the cargo doors. Without looking up, they both stepped inside.

(small bonus doodle because I love awkward situations and they need more attention)

Chapter 2 - escape from Steadfast (II)

Hux closed the shuttle door as fast as possible and let the girl free. He let out a breath. He didn't prefer to be in risky situations at all. Being on the bridge, executing battle strategies was his forte, not actually being in the field. 

He marched to the cockpit, the girl followed in his wake. He swiftly sat down and started to power up his shuttle. “Prepare for a swift jump to lightspeed” he stated, without looking her way. She slowly looked around,  taking in the environment. “O-ok” she absentively answered. 

He paused, wondering how much flight experience she was lacking. 

“Put yourself in that chair”, he pointed out. She quickly sat down and put her hands on her knees. 

She’s clearly not used to space travelling, he mused . A real planetary brat.

The ship's motors started roaring to life. Moments later, the ship took off, and Miko was pressed against the back of the seat. She had a hard time taking in what was happening, but was finally feeling relieved to see the stars. It gave her some hope that this nightmare could be over soon.

Hux turned to her: “we’re going to jump into hyperspace as soon as possible. I’m setting up the hyperdrive, can you give in the coördinates?” he asked her. 

“Where?” she replied, absolutely willing to help to get out of there as fast as possible. 

“at 3h” he responded. 

Who the hell talks in hours? She wondered, reminding herself she picked him up on a military base after all. She sighed and closed her eyes for a second,  in an attempt to find some inner peace.

First, he treats me like kriffing trash, he doesn’t believe I can slice the system, then he drags me into this ship with a fucking blaster pointed at my back, and now I have to know how a shuttle works? This man is giving me grey hairs! She thought instead, frustration starting to grow. 

She found the hyperspace panel and started looking through the pre-filled values. “Anywhere?” she asked, turning back to him. 

“Would you just choose something already?” he shouted back. “Why are you shouting, I can hear you when you talk, sir whatever!” she responded angrily, pressing the confirmation button. If he’s going to treat me like this - again - he’s not going anywhere! She stubbornly thought.

“By the sarlacc pits, they locked on us!” Hux shouted, while the shuttle was violently shaken. Miko closely held onto the chair behind her and momentarily closed her eyes. When the shaking stopped, she remembered his words. “By the sarlacc pits”, who says that anyway? She wondered. This guy is a kriffing relic. A next shake threw her out of her train of thoughts again and made her focus on the present.

  “The coordinates are ready!” Miko called back. Hux pulled the hyperdrive gear, the stars quickly changing into blue lines. 

“Phuh, that was friggin close!” Miko sighed, letting herself fall into the co-pilot’s chair. 

“We’re not out of this yet” Hux said while glaring at her from the side. “Prepare to jump back” he added. 

“But… no! I don’t want to go back! Why should I…” she argued. 

“Just do it already!” he angrily shouted. 

She hesitantly went over to the controls again, but at that exact moment, they were pulled out of hyperspace, reaching their destination. She looked out of the cockpit’s window, staring into empty space. Hux started turning the ship around. 

Right at that time, a squadron of first order TIE-fighters appeared from hyperspace. 

Hux cursed inwardly. The squadron opened fire and hit the shuttle a few times, giving Miko a hard time to stand. Red warning lights blinked on the right control board and if Miko wasn't panicking yet, this would certainly do the trick. The TIE's turned and a second salvo followed. Hux did his best to avoid the little buggers, but he was no trained pilot, unlike their current opponents. 

Their shields held back most of the shots, but some hits got through, making alarms go off all over the shuttle’s cockpit. 

“Wha…. They can jump through hyperspace? And they are tracking us?” Miko whispered, taken aback. 

“Put in some coordinates, now!” Hux shouted towards her. “O-okay!” she whispered in confusion. She quickly pressed the control and entered one of the preprogrammed destinations. The shuttle took another jump to the designated coordinates. While in hyperspace, he turned towards her and stood up straight. He righted his back and looked down to her with a menacing glare. His hair was slightly tossed up from angrily turning back and forth between looking at her and at the navigation panels. 

“Now, listen carefully this time. Once we arrive, jump back to the place we just came from, and then directly jump back to the Steadfast . Once there, we’ll jump again to a random spot, and so on. At least four times. And this time, do it, without hesitation!” He shouted, pointing his finger at her. 

You can’t just throw orders at me like that! She angrily thought, frustration growing and her head getting furiously red. She stood up, trying to face him on a more even level, and replied: 'I'm trying to get out of this hellhole as well, you don't need to shout at me!' She knocked away his hand and turned around. She could feel the frustration radiating from him as well; she could hear him breathe heavily and gritting his teeth. 

Miko took a deep breath and tried to calm down. She did realise he clearly knew more about this tracking mechanism, so her best chance to survive was to listen to that self-righteous idiot.

The moment the shuttle jumped out of hyperspace, they immediately jumped back to their previous location. At her right side, she saw a flash of one of the TIE-fighters landing at their location, just before the next jump was executed. She swiftly gave in the coordinates of the Steadfast’s location. “Ready!” she shouted in Hux's direction.

The third jump took them only seconds, this time no pursuing ship was seen. Another alarm was sounding and she saw Hux gritting his teeth and adding extra pressure on the steering handles. They came out of hyperspace right before the Steadfast. Miko was still entering the next coordinates.  "Hurry up! They've spotted us!", she heard him shout, while she finished the procedure.  "Done!" She exclaimed, at which Hux immediately reacted, initiating the fourth jump. 

The required fifth and sixth jump followed, and to be absolutely certain about losing their pursuers, they did another few. 

The duo arrived somewhere before a nebula, at the edge of the unknown regions. Miko was completely worked up, but the sight before her made all the tension in her body disappear. She was marvelled by the sight of the clustered stars and dusty space clouds. She had never been in outer space, and this was the first time she could actually pay attention to its beauty. For a moment, she forgot that she was in a first order ship together with some easily angered, high-minded and conceited officer. She forgot about the alarm wailing on her right side. 

“We should debate a strategy” she heard from her back, pulling her mind back into reality. Hux sat in the pilot’s seat and turned his gaze towards her. He waved his hair back in shape. He still looked like he was angry at her, but it seemed like he had found his composure again.

He stepped over to her side, checking where the alarm came from. The next thing she heard were his fists landing on the lower control panel. “This is unthinkable! The navigation unit was hit. I can’t access any of the preprogrammed coordinates any more!” he waved his hands out of anger and stepped to the other side. 

“I’ll check it out,” Miko replied quickly, willing to help. She felt a bit guilty for not following his orders. It's because of that, they were in this mess after all. 

She thought she could hear him let out a frustrated growl while he passed the spot she was standing in.

Her droid friend appeared out of her jacket again and crawled over to the data port, looking at the damage as well. Hux sat down and pressed his fingers to his forehead. He let out a long sigh. 

“The board is fried, there’s nothing I can do… it's already a miracle we could perform those last jumps. It must’ve been fried right after." Miko brought her hand to her chin. "Maybe I can check if you have access to the HoloNet on this ship, so I can look for a place to go? We can still use the direct input with coordinates,” she suggested. He didn’t look up. “That’s no option. You’ll give away our position if you do so” he responded.

 “I can put up a proxy…” she started replying, the corners of her mouth curling upwards. Her droid came to sit on her shoulder, ready to help her out. 

“They will still find a trace, trust me. I know what my men are capable of” he interrupted. He absentmindedly scratched his hair.

“From what just happened, I don’t think they’re your men any more...” Miko muttered inwardly.

Hux stood up, gave her a menacing glare, and walked out of the cockpit, leaving her there on her own.  

Great. I can add hard-headed to the list , she sighed.

Hux was losing it. He was just shot twice, left for dead but apparently saved by a naïve girl with authority issues and possibly with force powers. He didn’t know which part was worse. 

Now he was stuck in a shuttle with limited resources, having nowhere to go. He just lost everything he worked, lived and stood for. And there was no way to get it back. The only thing left was his resentment. 

First Ren, and now Pryde. They took everything from him. His life's work went up in smoke, just like Starkiller base.

If there’s anything he was still willing to achieve, it was orchestrating their demise. 

But he was practically powerless now. There wasn’t a way to get into the first order again, wasn't there.... 

He paced around in the small central wardroom, rubbed his face and tried to weigh his options.  Going back to Arkanis and using his family name could work to a certain degree, but even if he could convince the cadets on Arkanis, he had no chance against the both of them. He was the spy after all. Come to think of it, he had made sure the cadets knew how to deal with traitors. A cold shiver ran through his spine, remembering how effective and cruel his orders were towards them. No, Arkanis wasn’t an option. 

He couldn't think of any other option within his connections within the First Order. The chance was too high that they would side with either Ren or Pryde. 

But what other option is left?

Hmm. maybe the enemy of my enemy, can become my ally. If only for getting to Ren and Pryde, I’m willing to switch sides. For now. And when the opportunity presents itself, I’ll take back what’s mine. 

He stood still. If that defected trooper FN-2187 and Dameron were still alive, he might have a chance. He saved their sorry lives after all. But how to find and contact them… and first, how to get out of here...

He sat down at the table in the wardroom and thought about his options. They were stranded and they only had the navigation history of the jumps they just did, before the navigation memory unit was wiped. From what he recalled, none of them were nearby an inhabitable planet. On the other hand, it’s not like he had time to check the surroundings, so maybe they could give it a try and jump back. They have to wait for a few days to use those coordinates anyway, to avoid getting caught. 

The fuzzy hairball came in. Right, I almost forgot about her. He rolled his eyes. He realized he had no idea if there were enough provisions for one, let alone for two people. He should check that first, to be able to estimate if this was the time to get rid of her. 

She stood before him with her arms crossed and started talking: “It seems the hyperdrive got a hit too, PC is looking into it. He said we can’t use it at full speed.” 

He sighed. Another setback . He felt a cold rush climbing up his spine. How did he end up in such a sightless situation? He hated the feeling of not being in control. 

She came to sit down on the bench in front of him, and leaned forward, elbows on the table. “How did they track us through hyperspace and how did we just manage to escape?” she hesitantly asked, looking at his face like he was fishy. 

He sighed again, sat back and started explaining. He had other things to do, but he felt that explaining how superior his research division was, could at least brighten his mood a bit. 

“It's a First Order standard procedure to lock on any hyperspace trace their sensors catch. The fighters do the same.” He leaned forward as well, looking her in the eyes. He made notice on how her amber irises slightly dilated when he locked his gaze on them. Good, I have her full attention .  “We developed active hyperspace tracking, it’s very effective in pursuing targets. But if you travel backwards, you make use of that same path, making your backward jumps nearly untraceable. The technology can do some extrapolations, that’s why we had to jump the whole trip back to the Steadfast and then further on. Once they found out what we were doing, we did more than enough extra jumps to lose them.” He put up a wry smile, self-content his plan worked. It was one of his theories after all, but it wasn't tested before. 

But then he was reminded of his current situation. “Too bad we can’t travel anywhere now”, he grumbled. 

“We can travel to my place if you want?” the girl responded, cocking her head to one side. He looked up, a very sceptical look on his face. ”Your home planet? And how are we supposed to do that? The navigation is fried, did you forget?” he said, clenching his fists under the table. She's definitely not the brightest , he thought, again. He was starting to feel annoyed for the fourth time in a row now. He could feel that the combination of her presence and the recent turn of events were slowly making him lose his otherwise unbreakable self-control. 

She crossed her arms, leaned back and stated: “I know the coordinates by heart”.  

What? Who in the whole galaxy knows coordinates by heart? It’s a 48 long digit code! Hux thought, not believing her one bit.

“Are you serious?” he said, more like a statement. He couldn't take her seriously, and this definitely was not the time nor the place to mess with him.  

“Of course! One should always know how to find their way home!” she happily responded, a smart smile on her face. 

Hah, that’s funny, he thought: “You never left the planet” he dryly stated. 

“S-So what?” she responded, slightly pouting and blushing, probably feeling caught. His assumption was correct, it appeared. But still, knowing such a code by heart? That would be very unlikely.  “Why would you learn such a long code by heart if you’re never even going to use it?” he said, disbelief in his voice.  

“We can use it right now, can’t we?” she immediately countered, leaning her head backwards and starting to raise her voice again. It seems that he was not the only one who wasn't in a good mood around here. Her behaviour wasn't helping Hux to keep his calm at all. 

"Then let's hope you don't make a mistake so we don't crash into a sun, for example." He replied, the tone of his voice increasing. 

"Since the fragging hyperdrive is only working at a fraction of its speed, we don't have to worry about that, right?" she threw back at him, almost shouting.

He sat back again, breathed through his nose and tried to control the rising anger. He let out another exaggerated sigh. This girl was going to make him lose his cool sooner or later. This was worse than staying with Ren in one shuttle.

The little droid tripped from the cockpit onto the girl's seat, eventually settling down on her shoulder. 

The girl broke the loaded silence first and tried to make some progress on the plan. “Okay, suppose if we go there, what are we going to do?” she asked him. “I don’t want to get my people involved in your personal vendetta,” she added. 

How can she know about that? Is it that obvious? Hux wondered, feeling surprised and even more annoyed because he apparently couldn't hide his motives from this girl he had never met before. 

He huffed. 

“I’m planning to turn myself in with the resistance” He stated. “I have valuable information that can bring down the leaders of the first order, in exchange for my immunity.” 

She looked at him, turning one eyebrow up. “And you think they will just let you walk in there?” she responded.  

“I have been providing them with information the last months, and 2 of the resistance's key figures know about my identity. I’ll take my chances if I can get Ren and Pryde to pay.” He said, not able to hide his disdain for both. 

He cursed inwardly. He wasn’t the type to play hero, he usually let other people do the dirty work for him. But now he was practically alone, only this girl was here, but she won’t be of much help anyway. He had to do this on his own, and this was the only plan he could come up with. It could work, but it was risky and he didn’t like it.

“I think I can get us into contact with a resistance faction if we’re at my place” the girl said, holding a finger on her lips and looking back to the cockpit. Her droid was following her movements. “I’ll put in the coordinates!” she said and stood up. 

“Hey, you can’t just decide on your own!” Hux shouted back at her, but she already closed the door to the cockpit. 

This girl was going to be the death of him. 

And how did she lose those handcuffs?

Chapter 3 - escape from the psychopath (I)

Armitage Hux went back to the cockpit, seeing the girl bowing down over the panel, putting in the digits. “Apparently, it’s going to take us 28 hours to get there, due to the hyperdrive malfunction” she mumbled. The little droid was walking over the cockpit’s dashboard, keeping an eye on Hux. 

She turned around, scanning him from head to toe with a questionable look on her face. 

What’s her problem now? He thought, feeling uncomfortable under her gaze. 

“Let me see that wound.” she said, walking straight to him.

He jumped back. No way he was going to let her come that close. 

“I’ll have a look myself!” he hissed. He pulled his uniform straight, as if he could remove the damage by adjusting it, and quickly stepped out of the cockpit, head high to keep up appearances.  He then marched through the wardroom and into the private quarters, locking the door. 

He let out a sigh he didn’t know he was holding,  wondering in the back of his mind what had actually just happened. 

Armitage carefully pulled off his uniform and the blaster-repulsive vest he was wearing underneath. It was pierced, as was expected from such a close shot. He was right to wear it that day; he knew the chance of being shot sooner or later was growing more and more realistic. It was the risk he knew he was taking, by leaking information, after all. 

On his stomach, right where the shot landed, he found new scar tissue, but it was way too shallow for such a blast. So it is true, she somehow stopped the impact from the blast. It must’ve happened that instant Pryde took the shot. But why? At that moment, she could not possibly know that I could get her out of there.  

He was puzzled. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t even know her name. And she looked pretty oblivious from who he was. How that's even possible, he couldn’t understand. 

And it utterly annoyed him.

Hux found 2 bacta patches in the first aid kit and applied them on his chest and upper left leg. The bleeding of his leg was still not entirely stopped and now that the adrenaline wasn’t subduing his pain receptors any more, he started to feel the continuous tingle of the burn. 

His thoughts automatically went back to the moment he regained consciousness in one of the many halls of the Steadfast . Only now, it seemed to seep through how the girl had been way too close to him. Physical contact has always made him cringe and there has been more of said contact than he has had in a very long time. 

All what had happened the last hours on that ship was catastrophic, and it all could be summarised to him losing control.  Losing control over his carefully laid out plan, his precious army and his own body. Feelings of resentment, hate, disgust and spite rose in his chest like a tidal wave.

He rubbed his face, trying to concentrate on the tasks at hand. He hoped the wounds would heal soon with the help of the patches, because he was starting to feel worn out already. He knew his body could take the damage, history proved that already. But he also knew its limits and the effects of blood loss, which were already making him feel light in the head.

He then took one of his spare uniforms from the wardrobe and decided to get back to the wardroom. He had to find out as much as possible about that girl and her home planet. He needed to know in advance what his options were.

Oh, and he should still check the rations.

Did he just flee away when I was trying to help him? Miko was perplexed. His behaviour didn’t really add up to what she observed during their escape. He was so full of himself before, and now he got out of here like he was scared of me helping him out... 

She went to look for the officer, but he locked himself up in what she assumed was the bedroom of the ship. She then started wandering around, to explore the shuttle a bit. 

Great. If that’s the bedroom, there’s only one. She let out a huff. It’s his private shuttle after all. How was she going to get through the next 28 hours?

She heard the door open and saw him step out of the room, wearing an immaculate uniform. He must’ve changed just now, she mused. He’s really keen on his appearance, it seems. What a kriffing self centered jerk. He sat down on the bench again and started tapping his fingers on the table, which slightly worked on her already overworked nerves. 

“What’s your name?” he asked bluntly. 

Oh, we didn’t introduce ourselves yet, that’s right!  

She realised, welcoming the conversation despite his uninviting tone. ‘I’m Miko Ylena, engineer at Tagge Industries, communication division on Utapau Four. So that’s where we’re heading.” She casually swinged her hand to the cockpit, stepped closer and went to sit down, too. PC walked from her shoulder onto the table.

“Hmm… that’s a first order plant, if I recall correctly?” he wondered. 

She replied: “In theory, yes. It’s been a family business and from what I understood, nothing has changed much over the years. First,  there was the empire, now, the first order. There is a garrison stationed to oversee the production, but Henry Tagge’s still waving the scepter. Which is a good thing for us, for now. If we do our jobs well and without too much hassle, we get paid enough to come by.” 

She looked at her gloved hands. She was still wearing part of her working gear. Somehow, someone had overpowered and drugged her on the way back home. She remembered some hooded individuals, but that's all. 

PC walked up to her again, as if the little droid felt her slight distress, and went to sit between her arms.

“We’ll have to lay low so those troops don’t spot me.” Hux said. 

She looked at him, quizzical. Her mind has been working overtime, she was full of nerves and definitely not thinking straight. 

“Why? Is your hair color that rare?” she blurted out, sporting a sly smile while thinking back. He did stand out in the crowd. She remembered that ginger hair as the first thing she had noticed, when she first saw him on the bridge of the Steadfast .

But at that same moment, she already felt bad for saying it. The officer closed his eyes and was audibly biting his teeth after hearing her reaction. Woops. He must’ve misinterpreted me… she realised. It seemed like reacting assertively was a way for her to cope with the stress of the situation, and maybe she shouldn’t have started smiling. It didn't seem to land well with him at all. 

On the other hand, why should she care? It’s not like he had been friendly with her. He ordered her around like she was a subordinate of him, and it was continuously besting her tolerance level towards him. She just wanted to get him out of her life as soon as possible, before one of them did or say something they might regret. 

What did she just say?

“What does my hair color have to do with this at all?”  Hux requested, annoyed. He felt his anger level rising again. “Do you even know who I am?” he added.

“No. Some officer that was shot because he was a traitor?” she casually answered, like it was nothing. She wasn’t looking him in the face, and he could only interpret this as defiance. He started fuming. Seriously? She even works in a first order alleged company and doesn’t know about me?  

“Don’t you know anything about the commanders of the first order?” he questioned with a lower voice. 

“nope, I’m not interested in politics” she replied casually, while she was inspecting her gloves, as if this conversation was of no importance.

What? Not interested in politics? How can she say that with such impudence? 

“Wh… “ he started his rhetoric, but apparently she didn't notice that he was going to reply, and she unintentionally interrupted him: “I never paid attention to those topics in the academy, it’s not like I have any say in it. And it's manipulated shit anyway. It's a former imperial academy after all. ” She crossed her arms and leaned back. “Why do you ask?” she added. 

Hux mind short circuited. “How can you know your planet’s coordinates by heart, but not know who I am?” He was baffled, and she still looked unimpressed. What’s with this girl? 

Under normal circumstances, people were either scared or cautious towards him. At least, for the last 15 years that is. This was a new experience for him and it didn't sit well.

“I’m General Armitage Hux, commander of the First Order army. I lead the training programme of the first order troopers as well as the R&D department. My research team developed technologies such as the active hyperspace tracking you just witnessed. I oversaw the construction of Starkiller base." 

He stopped right there, he wasn’t going to let her know he played a major role in the destruction of the new republic and their pitiful resistance. He needed her to believe he was worth something for the resistance, alive.  

”I was running for Grand Marshall,  becoming the most powerful person in the whole first order,  next to the supreme leader." he stated, pressing his index finger on the table to make his point. He was feeling a bit better hearing himself say those things. Especially after all that had happened these last hours.

She was still looking at him with that sceptical look. She took a breath, then paused for a second. In the meantime, that droid of her climbed back to his usual spot on her shoulder. “Should I be taken aback or just be disgusted?” she replied, crossing her arms. 

What?  

“Either way, do you know what they were planning to do with me?” she interrupted, trying to change the subject. 

Hux was sitting there, not knowing what to do and not really registering her request. How can she just change the subject and react like that? She just keeps addressing me like I’m some unimportant individual that just happened to be on her way… and why ‘disgusted’ anyway? He thought. He was still watching her like he didn’t know what to do with her. 

She broke the silence: “Look, general Hux, I don’t want to have anything to do with this. I never asked to be abducted. I was bored, but not that bored. So I’m going to drop you off at Utapau Four and point you to my connection. From then on, I’m going back to my boring life and you can do whatever the shit you want to.”

This girl is unbelievable, he inwardly sighed.   

“You do realize that you can’t just go back to your old life. The First Order just picked you up from there.” he said with a low voice. She replied angrily: “You mean they abducted me. They stunned me for fuck sake!” 

Why is she always swearing? He was starting to get seriously annoyed yet again. This girl is really going to bring out the worst of me . 

He breathed through his nose and thought back to her initial question, changing the subject back before both of them started shouting again. 

“From what I can deduce, they were testing if you were force sensitive. I have no intel on who requested this test and why it was carried out.” 

Actually, wasn’t he going to keep quiet about this? Again an example on how she's somehow indirectly messing with me , he realized. He cursed inwardly. Why couldn’t he be more of his manipulative self?

Miko responded: “Me? Force sensitive? What a joke! I should at least know by myself, then, right?” she said with a laughing voice. She was now leaning backwards even more, making him wonder if she was going to slide off from the seat soon and fall on the deck. That would teach her from behaving so... uncivilized , he amusingly thought. 

Hux wanted to call her out on her demeanor, just to get all the frustrations out of his system, but he refrained himself from doing so.

“Was a blood monster taken from you recently?” He asked instead.  

The girl looked at her droid, which looked back in return, as if the thing would know better. “Not very recently, a few years ago. It’s standard procedure to see if we don’t get polluted by the iridium.” she mentioned. 

“It’s feasible that those results were picked up by someone within the order.” Hux reasoned. He knew he had approved an order to build an automatic system to upload and interpret blood samples before. About 13 years ago, he himself had the directive to exterminate any force sensitive beings he could discover within the ranks, but that was under Snoke’s reign. This reeked of something different.

 It was highly possible that this system was still operational and reused for other purposes, unbeknownst to him.

“That guy, the one that shot you, acted like he was doing a routine job," she mentioned, “to lock me up for transport, as usual”.” she added, while mimicking the allegiant general.  

Hux shivered unwillingly when hearing Pryde’s reference, sentences full of elaborate insults addressed to the other general already forming up in his head. He subdued the urge to let them all out and tried to concentrate on what really could have been happening.

Hmm… if Pryde’s involved with force users, and Ren never mentioned it in the supreme board meetings, I can assume that Ren is not aware of this with a high probability. Is this some plan from that supposedly resurrected Emperor to use these force sensitives for his own good? Or maybe just kill them to get rid of the competitors? He didn’t like the first scenario one bit. Honestly,  he'd prefer the second one much more and finally get rid of those freaks. 

But first, he had to make sure this particular freak could be put to some good use.

He looked up again, seeing her questioning eyes directed back at him. They seemed almost yellow due to the soft light in the wardroom. They made him feel uncomfortable, as if they were piercing through his image and looking to read his mind. The fact that she was a possible force sensitive, didn’t help at all.

“I have no clue” he lied. 

This information might come in handy, but for now I need to keep her in the dark as much as possible, he mused. 

She didn’t seem to be happy with his answer, but she let it slide.

“What should I do then?” she asked him, as if he was the source of her problems. 

He hadn’t thought about her situation at all, it's not like he cared anyway. But maybe, if she was perceptive to his suggestions, there was something to gain for him as well. She did prove to be a relatively good slicer and that inventive little droid of hers was also on his radar. 

“Since the First Order might still be on the lookout for you, your best option is to disappear or try to join the resistance.” He reasoned. 

“But I can’t just leave my father and friends behind!” She half-shouted. 

“You do realise that if you stay, you’ll just be killed and probably kill them in the process” he coldly reacted. She’s not only stubborn, she’s also short sighted. This is going to be a very long trip, he thought again.   

He stood up and righted his back. 

“I’m going to retreat and take some sleep. We should discuss tactics afterwards.” he concluded. He went to his chambers and closed the door.

Some trivia!

Tagge industries: The Tagge family is a famous family throughout the whole saga (legacy and new), but I made up Henry. He's the only one with a normal name and he's probably the only moderate Tagge family member out there... he's a bit of an outcast 😂

Utapau Four: one of the 9 moons of Utapau. There are moons in canon, but I made up the whole moon's population and geography and so on.

Chapter 3 - escape from the psychopath (II)

Did he just leave me here, just like that?

Miko let out an annoyed sigh. She was exhausted, but the thrill of recent events was still raging through her body. She noticed that she had been reacting very assertively to everything, but then again, it’s not like she was ever abducted, tested upon, jumping through hyperspace and stuck on a ship. 

And accidentally saving the biggest prick in the galaxy in the process. From the grave he had dug for himself, no less.

She started wandering around the wardroom, finding out what was where, thinking which spot could serve best for taking a nap. They still had a long way ahead of them, after all. 

She found weapons, and the pantry as well. She dug through it, took something to eat and lay down on the bench. 

Her droid walked from her shoulder onto her stomach, turned around to watch her and sat down. 

At least the bench was long enough for her to lay straight. Or I am short enough, she mused. 

Back home, she was always the largest of her friends. The inhabitants of Utapau Four were shorter than the average human-like races. They originated from the Arkanian offshoot a very long time ago, bred for mining labor. Due to gravitational differences on the fourth moon of Utapau, before it was completely terraformed, their race evolved this way. She was a bit of an exception though, because of her mother’s genetic material, which was Corellian. 

She stared at the durasteel ceiling. If Utapau Four was no option for her any more, maybe she could travel to Corellia, to see where her mother grew up. Surely she could start a new life there, out of the frigging Worst Order's prying eyes.

Or maybe not. 

She didn’t know much about her mother’s past. The only memories she had, didn’t tell anything about who her mother used to be, before Miko was born. And her father was avoiding the conversation for years now.

I have to ask him one last time, before I leave. Maybe ask him about this crazy abduction as well. Some of his resistance friends might've heard something about it. It’s too suspicious. 

Kriff, am I really going to leave them?

The thought of having to say goodbye to her only family left, felt heavy on her chest. She never left the substitute planet, and maybe now, so suddenly, it was for good. This whole situation was still unreal and unsettling. 

She finally felt the fatigue taking over, having a hard time keeping her eyelids open. 

‘Hey PC, keep an eye on me while I fall asleep, will you?’ She requested her droid with a hoarse voice. The droid hummed positively as a response. She didn’t feel comfortable around that general, so she felt glad having her droid around as a bodyguard. The little droid looked up and then placed itself back on her stomach, while she slowly drifted away.

About 6 hours later.

Why is there trash on the table? Hux wondered. 

He just had given up on taking some rest, the recent incidents haunting his brain and ripping him out of his slumber again and again. 

He just did a few steps outside his cabin, and his blood pressure was already rising to the same agitated level as before he left for a break. 

He went further and opened the pantry, only to find that things were not in their initial place. 

He looked at the girl sleeping on the couch, striking lightning with his eyes. 

How could she make a mess of everything so fast? And not clean it up afterwards? He bristled and started to put everything back into place, his movements harsh. 

When he was done with the cupboard, he placed the jars on the counter to the exact spot they belonged, according to him. 

It took him quite some time, since the compartiment was slightly different from the one in his quarters on the Finalizer. But once everything was back in order, he felt his calm returning. 

If she ever does that again… he started thinking, clenching his hands tight. Stars, why was he so easily provoked?

Right at that moment, he heard giggling from behind his back. He turned around, only to find Miko silently chuckling. Her hair was even messier than before and her eyes were still foggy from napping. Combined with her snickering sounds, it made her look like she was drunk or high. Her little droid was nowhere to be seen. 

He turned his head down and closed his eyes for a minute. 

“Are you mocking me?” he asked with a dangerously low voice. 

“How can you focus on something like that? Aren’t you like - a general - busy with much more important things than how your stuff is put?” she said, obviously finding the whole situation funny, although there was a certain sharp edge to her words. 

Did she just taunt me even more? 

Insolent brat, he thought.

Anger started boiling up again quickly, since he hadn’t entirely calmed down from their encounter before. The girl seemed to cope with stress in a very annoying way. Or maybe she's always like that, he wondered in disdain. 

I should definitely get rid of her as soon as possible, he decided. The fact that she took a ration unbeknownst to him and moreover without permission, wasn’t working in her favor either. 

“Shouldn’t you focus on our escape plan or something, instead of combing your hair?” she added, letting out a snicker and rolling her eyes. 

He did wash up and combed his hair like he usually does when he starts the day cycle. It’s part of my status as an officer in a leading position, how could she just laugh that away?  

He started fuming. He had already realised he couldn’t treat her like a subordinate; his usual set of verbal threats were useless against her. And for a fraction of time, he didn’t know how to handle her. 

The idea only added fuel to the fire.

He suddenly hit both fists on the table before her, too enraged to be surprised by his own reaction. “Do not mock me! You shouldn’t stick your rude nose in someone else’s business!” he shouted, losing his cool but barely even noticing it. If she was a subordinate of him, or any other crewmember part of his flagship, he had her locked away already. And then put her on rehabilitation duty. Let the indoctrination programme prove its success. Such misbehaviour should be dealt with accordingly. But now, he had to use other means to put her in her place. If she wanted to argue, she was going to regret this, he angrily thought.

“I’m stuck in this ship as much as you are, so it’s my business too! You need to get your priorities straight” she shouted back at him. Her facial expression shifted from laughter to rage in a mere second. Her eyes were slightly wet, as if she was on the brink of tears.

Priorities straight? Does she even know what she’s saying? He felt like he was going to explode. 

“And oh, excuse me if I disturb your unreasonable need for order! Why are you even still wearing that uncomfortable uniform, if you haven’t noticed it yet, you’re not a general any more!” she added, volume rising.  

“Shut your mouth, you’re being blatantly foolish! You can’t possibly understand this! You didn’t even have any clue why you were abducted!" he threw back at her, "You were just going to go back to your pitiful old life, like nothing happened!” 

She was going to push him over the edge, make him lose his self-control and she was going to regret it.

Miko stood up and angrily faced him. He was still leaning over the table, so they were able to look straight into each other's eyes. 

“At least I had a life! You seem like you dug a big hole for yourself, that other guy got you hard there! And all you care about now is your appearance. Wake up, there’s no one to impress here!” she ostentatiously swinged her hands around, pointing to the empty space. 

“At least I have an impeccable appearance, you look like you haven’t washed for days, and what’s with those piercings anyway? I’m surprised you’re allowed to walk around with that at Tagge’s department! If it was under my supervision, this wasn’t tolerated!” he yelled, and she immediately yelled back: “It’s what they call style, mister general! But maybe someone of your age is not aware of that!”

“Are you calling me old?” She’s really going too far now, he thought somewhere in the back of his mind, too clouded by rage. His blood kept racing through his veins and each word that came out of her mouth only increased the pressure. 

This argument made no sense at all, the insults they threw at each other were downright pathetic, but he was too far gone and too hyped on the adrenaline of the past events to think clearly.

“Yes. And pale." She added, her face getting red from keeping up the volume with his shouting. "Have you seen any sunlight in the last decade? Lucky your hair stands out a bit, otherwise you’d really be mistaken for a corpse. If we land on my moon, make sure you won’t get sunburnt!” 

Did she really mock my hair? Again? 

Hux snapped. 

He instinctively and viciously reached out to her throat with his right gloved hand. He took her neck in a tight grip, starting to strangle her. The leather of his glove was making a scratching sound from the pressure he applied, which matched his angry breathing. 

He looked down at her reddened face with furious eyes. Her amber tinted irises were starting to change size, her expression going from angry and surprised to alarmed. It gave him cold chills, which provided him with an odd sense of satisfaction, somewhere deep beneath the raging anger.

She frantically grabbed his arm with both her hands and tried to shout, but only a feeble squeak came out. 

Silencing her felt good, very very satisfying, after all the recent tension buildup. This is what she gets from driving me mad, he thought, still so angry with her behaviour towards him. He wasn't sure if and when he would let her go, he was too far gone to think clearly now. 

She started to violently shake his arm and began to writhe with her legs, trying to get some grip so she could get loose. But he was towering over her, too strong and too enraged. 

She was harshly pressed against the backrest of the bench, Hux had stepped aside to discard the table and was now leaning over her. There was no escape from his pressing hand, and he could feel her throat moving, trying to swallow or maybe gag as a reflex to get her airtube clear.

His rough anger turned into a smoldering rage when the fire from her eyes was starting to fade and was turning into a desperate plea. Her leg movement slowed down until they fell limp. He could see her lips moving, begging for her release, but no sound came out. 

And then he felt something else than anger surging through his body. At this very moment he felt in total control. Oh, he missed that feeling. He took in the sensation like an addict finally experiencing the long-denied rush again. He could do literally anything to her, the way she crumbled under his grip. Anything. And the lower part of his body started thinking about doing something to her.

PC came out of nowhere. The tiny droid quickly jumped on his outstretched arm, instantly threatening Hux to give him a power surge.

Hux looked down to the suddenly menacing droid and snapped out of his trance. He abruptly loosened his grip, violently shook the droid from his arm, looked back at Miko with a bewildered look and stumbled back unceremoniously. 

The girl lay scrambled on the bench, touching her violated throat and heaving heavily to catch her breath. She turned to face him with squinted eyes.

Their gaze locked and instantly Hux was hit by a wave of cold sweat, the intensity of the amber made him breathe erratically. 

After a slight hesitation, he quickly turned around and stomped back to his cabin. He shut the door the second he entered. 

What the hell was that? He hastily wondered, trying to control his raging heartbeat. He rubbed his face, removing the sweat from his forehead.

He looked down. This has never happened before. He has always been in control of himself, he never lost his cool like this. He was the one who could drive another person insane, this was the first time it was the other way around. Well, at least after his father was removed. 

And in what way… What had just happened to him? I was always stronger than this. Was I going to murder her, out of rage, or… rape her?

He made sure the door was locked, took a glass of water and drank it down in one shot. He needed to stay inside, cool down, think about this incident and what to do next. 

I need a cold shower.

Chapter 4 - delicious disaster (I)

Miko coughed violently to catch her stolen breath. Her whole body was still shaking from the shock. She hadn't seen that outburst coming, but maybe she was too angered with his delusions of grandeur and stupid misplaced pride that were based on nothing but lies and evil deeds. She was so stressed and angered at him for leaving her out in the dark, it had clouded her mind. She hated how he was nitpicking on stupid details, as if this situation wasn't already hard enough for both of them. But, maybe if she thought this through, she should've known he was a psychopathic maniac. 

She never cared much for physical strength before, never needed it in particular because she was the tallest one at home anyway. Although Utapau Four was under First Order rule, Tagge's influence on the planet made sure she lived in a rather protected bubble. Consequently, she absolutely wasn't prepared for any kind of attack like this. 

She felt lucky she programmed her droid well.

She gently rubbed her sore throat. She could feel where the leather had left its marks. It already started stinging more, the moment she grazed her skin. This was going to bruise ugly.

She gulped. She decided she had to be extra careful with this man. He was definitely more dangerous than she anticipated. Maybe she should look into the armory again, to arm herself with something, anything, just in case. Not that she was able to shoot, but that won't matter if he came close to her. She hoped she wouldn’t hesitate too much.

Miko thought back to the moment he lunged at her and slowly started to feel confused. Something was bothering her, other than the fact that he tried to strangle her to death. His eyes went from pure rage to something else. When PC jumped on his arm, it was like he snapped out of some trance. When he did, he looked bewildered, confused, vulnerable?

But what bothered - scared - her even more, was that short moment before he let go of her neck. His grey-green eyes looked dark, glassy, and simmering hot. 

Kriff. What am I thinking? 

The cold water of the refresher was slowly calming Hux down. He tried to ignore what happened, but he knew the moment he was going to step out of his quarters, the situation was going to be very awkward. He should try to collect his messed up thoughts. 

That outburst reminded him too much about Ren, and he didn't like it one bit. This wasn't him, he should be above this. He has always been a master in self-control, since he's been in charge, up until now. 

And then, there was that other sensation he experienced, slowly creeping up on the skin of his back, giving him hot chills. 

He could feel his groin get itchy again, and turned the knob of the refresher to make the water even colder.

His mind involuntarily started drifting to the past. He hadn’t felt like this for a very long time. It’s not like he was immune to the hormonal reactions of his body, but getting the chance to actually profit from a situation and get his physical needs satisfied… that was another thing. 

There had been a few people he met when networking, trying to get to his money or get access to intel. He wasn’t stupid to give in to their feeble attempts. Fellow officers or even cadets had been trying to use him to get higher up in ranks. He disapproved of this behaviour, finding it utterly pathetic. Climbing up in the ranks and assuming a higher position should be done by knowledge, wits and politics. And, if necessary, by manipulation, but only if done well. Bribery in any form was something he had used as a tactic before, but never to get higher up. It always concurs with a significant backlash. There were always loose ends. 

Apart from that, he never was keen on the thought of having sex with a colleague itself, reminding him too much about what had happened in the past. A bed partner could’ve asked troublesome questions he rather wouldn’t like to answer. He unintentionally rubbed his stomach.

There had been a few times when he thought about getting his way though, unsurprisingly with people that were not part of the First Order. An escort on a diplomatic mission. The citizen that would've given him all, just to stop the military operation. That one feisty prisoner who had no respect for him. 

It seems he wanted to be the one choosing who he wanted to use, not being used himself. He was done with that. 

But eventually the situation never really lended itself for it. Although he made it to general, there was always someone above or beside him he had to report to. And his ambition and the future of the First Order were always a higher priority. 

But right now… he was alone, with a girl, all innocent and naive, on his ship, slowly travelling to possible hostile territory and they only had a few cards to play. He knew there was a significant chance that he wouldn’t survive much longer than a couple of days. 

And… she actually didn’t look that bad, he admitted to himself. She angered him utterly, but apparently that awoke an unexpected gnawing feeling in him. A kind of itch that needs to be stilled, or it would haunt him for the rest of his days. A sensation he tried to hide away for so long, but suddenly had broken free. 

The way her eyes shined like a blazing fire when she was mad at him or enthusiastic about who knows what, automatically popped into his mind. They were as strong as her idiotic will, passionate but also chaotic. All things he should despise, things he always despised in people, but, he didn’t want to admit it, they looked so attractive right now, like something he’s been missing for eternity. He wanted to get a taste of it. 

She was like a fire he wanted to contain just enough not to get it extinguished. 

Oh, and those hips. He suddenly remembered the way she stood in the cockpit, bending over the controls of the ship and checking out the issue on the navigation panel. He didn't feel how his fingernails were leaving marks in his palms.

He was completely lost in these disturbing thoughts, the cold recycled water still slowly streaming over his body. 

This was absolutely not the way he was supposed to be thinking to calm down.

Can I force myself onto her? He wondered. This might be my last chance to get this nonsensical physical need satisfied, without any consequences. There’s no career that I need to uphold this time. I could do whatever I want to her. 

He rubbed his face again, as if that would help him to start thinking straight. 

But is it a wise thing to do? Can I still manipulate her into helping me out on that moon of hers? It was her father she wanted to contact, if I recall correctly? 

Hux stared at the wall of the shower cabin for a few seconds. If that man knows his daughter well, he’ll most likely know something is up. 

He sighed and looked down, the water dripping from his hair, following the indents of his cheekbone, down to his chin then leaving his skin to fall to the sink. 

The risk was too big, and he was feeling like a coward again. But in the back of his mind, he was not sure if he could bring himself to not doing anything. 

He at least had to try, for his own sake, he wanted to convince himself.

Miko decided to camp in the cockpit’s seat. She had taken a blaster from the armory and had positioned it on top of her legs. PC placed himself next to the blaster. She was staring at the stars flashing by. Only a day ago, she loved the view, but now she felt a bit claustrophobic. There was nowhere she could go and hide from that asshole, the cold durasteel hull of the ship was now her confinement. She was disgusted by the First Order general’s assault, even if she probably provoked him. 

She was even more disgusted by what she thought afterwards, but she tried to ignore that particular train of thoughts, not wanting to go there again. 

He still lashed out at her like it was nothing, so he absolutely wasn’t to be trusted. She wouldn’t let him corner her again. She has always been in charge of her own persona and freedom, so in no way she was going to let him come close without her consent.

Am I ever going to grant him that? She couldn't help but wonder. 

Her head absolutely said no, but there was something nagging in the back of her mind. She never met a man like him. A kriffing self centered, merciless, fragging vain asshole, a breathing example of the Worst Order and every norm she despises. But when talking or shouting at him, she felt alive. It was good to get rid of the frustrations of the previous problematic events and if she was honest, in the life she led before; all of her friends back home were either too kind or too scared of her. This man was a challenge, and it was attracting her in every bad way there could be, she secretly admitted to herself. 

But, on the other hand, this probably could've happened with anyone she met outside of her home planet, she realised that much. The things that have occured the previous day, the adrenaline rush, and being locked up in the same cramped space together, probably have been influencing her, too. And then again, she never really met anyone taller than she was, which didn’t help either, but wasn't a particular reason to take an interest in him.

She knew she should stop thinking about things that never should happen anyway, and focus on what was coming ahead. 

What was she going to do? 

She stared into the stars, trying to collect her thoughts, but hopelessly failing.

[ladye-zelda]

I saw your tags from the post a while ago about how the small details in totk Make up for the main story, and while I agree, I gotta say that the things some people say about the story being bare bones or whatever (and BOTW’s story to that extent) just…doesn’t make sense to me. Because I think the problem is with the execution rather than the writing. Like, BOTW was even more bare bones,because it was just a bunch of exposition. Not to say the story wasn’t good because it absolutely is, but it was minimal, imo. Anyway I said all that to say that I personally do think that totk has the better story, but the execution is worse and I think the open world format hurts it. And I think if people could look past that they could see how good it is. But of course that’s all just me. Neither game’s story is particularly great but I love them both. Anyway I did not intend for this to get so long but what do you think about that? I’m just curious 🙂

Sorry this took me a while to respond anon, I was trying to think of a way to respond XD

Yeah, I can definitely agree that the open world aspect hurts the story of Tears. I was thinking about this earlier, and I think Breath of the Wild's story worked because it is so barebones. The developers were able to develop the story around the gameplay, which has always been Nintendo's adjective for both of these games (and probably all of their games, though I am not too much on an expert on that in all honesty) first and foremost. And it worked, for the most part.

I do believe there can be no "perfect" Zelda game, and especially not one that can appease all Zelda fans (even the games that everyone praises to be perfect has their haters, though I guess hate is too strong of a word). I think the main downfall of Tears of the Kingdom was that it couldn't live up to fan's expectations and wants for the Zelda franchise. Tears of the Kingdom was always meant to be BotW+, since the developers had so many ideas for Breath of the Wild they had to make a second game in order to fit all of those ideas, which led to them repeating the same gameplay mechanics as Breath of the Wild.

Don't get me wrong, TotK's gameplay is good since it what made Breath of the Wild good as well, but because it's exactly like Breath of the Wild is what made it sour in the minds of players. I guess for the players who played other kinds of games in between Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom allowing them time to do something else, it isn't so bad. But for the players who play nothing but Zelda games or who were late into getting into the Zelda franchise (such as myself) it can be a little... repetitive (and I'm mainly talking about the quests, shrines, and the same mechanic of unlocking a terminal in a dungeon found in both botw and totk). Hence why I was so drawn all to the other world discoveries not unlocked by doing a side quest, which I think is the greatest improvement TotK brought imo.

In terms of TotK's story... I don't hate it exactly, but I will say I will prefer BotW's better. I still kind of need to analyze the story of TotK fully for myself to draw any real conclusions for me; my biggest problem is how it completely erases BotW's story from it's story. Sure, half a dozen years has passed in between games (both in-game and irl) but surely the impact of defeating the Calamity would've left something... bigger. Like, wouldn't word have gone around that Link was the one to have defeated the darkness looming the castle? They could've at least acknowledged him directly instead of pulling a Tony Hawk and saying "oh you have the same name as that guy who defeated that evil some time ago". I will give them the benefit of the doubt, but then again everyone knows Zelda and he has never her side so, ???. Sorry, didn't mean to rant there. It was kind of a frustration I felt along with many others while playing the game. Main story-wise I don't have any real issues other than you're seriously telling me that there was another ancient civilization before the previous civilization that had even more ancient technology? It kind of pushes my suspension of disbelief (and once again repeating things from BotW).

Anyways, thank you for sharing your opinion anon! Once again I am immensely sorry it took me this long to come to it; tldr in my opinion I prefer Breath of the Wild's story over TotK's. You do make a lot of good points that I agree with, but I think it boils down to personal preference over which game is better due to how similar the games are, which can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on opinion.

Thank you so much for reaching out and discussing this with me!

[chiyoso]

Thank you so much for tagging me in that post about the growth of your writing journey.

I want to thank you as well. Your prompt. It really helped me in many ways. It got my brain working again but it also helped me cope with the Gojover scenes from last week. You're a really sweet and kind person. The way you interact with everyone is just so wholesome!! From your energy in your blogs I can see that you're awesome but you're also a perfectionist.

GAHHHH !!! I JUST CAME BACK FROM A WRITING HIATUS + HOTSPRINGS AND I SEE THIS?!1!1!!3?3 LET ME UNPACK

OKAY okay... okay uuh, uhhh first off, about the gojo prompt i posted, the desperate plea one, i was serious about it, i felt myself spiral heavily, i found myself completely and utterly deluded in my imaginations about satoru lmao, and i wasn't even a fan of him back then when jjk first released, i didn't even watch it immediately, i watched it only finally when i saw a clip of itadori as sukuna fighting satoru in the very first episode i think? and since i'm a sucker for good ass animation + realistic movements, i just decided "yyyeah fine fuck it"

even after finishing the two seasons, i didnt really obsess with it hardcore like how i did with magi, demon slayer and etc (i got hooked by those two animes so much i went to the manga, and im not even a manga reader) besides that me getting side tracked, my main point is that i didnt really obsess with satoru, the characters and the lore of it all too much — until recent, my introduction to the writing world.

you, @ainescribe and @teapartyspilled were my pillars, my bastions, my origins of support in my starting days as writer, you witnessed me get criticism from anons about my tagging and other stuff when i was new, even defended + informed me about it when it held no true benefits to you.

you are irrevocably and undeniably kind, along with my other mutuals, all of your passions had changed my perceptions of reality in the most beautiful way possible, but of course, time is against me and i can't really indulge myself to the fullest in yours and my mutual's creations, shit is honestly so frustrating to me.

these past few days? weeks? i've just been indulging myself in a more japanese inspired located area in my place to relax, preparing my physique and health for a cosplay in december, enrolled myself in martial arts + my mom hired me a vocal coach for opera training (i cant help but blush at the thought that neuvillette and lyney would be smitten by my vocals, might make a fic about it too)

OKAY ENOUGH ABOUT ME — THAT FIC OF YOURS ABOUT SATORU, it also got my shit together, i asked my mom to help me as well, because the parts in your story where mc was just playing around with food? isolating myself from others? sleeping most of the time? i was doing that, i still find myself in bed most of the time too, your story fucking made me bawl against my pillow, screamed at it, but when i winded down, in my delusions, i just imagined the comfort of your satoru in the fic.

ash, if i'm allowed to call you that, you're an amazing writer. i hope you know that you know that you're the type of writer that moves people to tears, if not all then let it be known that you did move a person to tears, and i would be most esteemed to receive that title, being that person.

[thecircularsystem]

Mm. I got tagged in the response someone made, but I want to make my own. When I first saw your post, I skipped it entirely, simply because this seems more like you’re saying… I don’t know…

And idk, that just really rubbed me the wrong way. This anon is clearly struggling; you’ve clearly infuriated them with something. Do you know why that is? Have you given this anti-endo the benefit of a complex thought, “Why are they this upset?”

I do. Always. It’s why I’m considered pro-endo, though I no longer have the energy to sit and dedicate myself to that label, unlike others.

I looked at that ask and went, “This person has been hurt. Bad.” Not just the fact that they’ve likely been hurt by endogenic systems. It’s moreso, this is an incredibly traumatized individual, likely someone with DID, and they constantly are surrounded by plurals who don’t have trauma. Who aren’t like them.

DID is already such an isolating experience. Often, our abusers are our family units, meaning we already grew up without a stable, solid foundation of support. Then suddenly to find that these spaces and terms are co-opted by those who feel so different from us? It’s a very rug-pull kind of feeling for a lot of individuals.

And a lot of people respond with anger. For me, I didn’t — I’d been trained out of anger by my abusers, so I instead fawned and became viciously pro-endo immediately, attacking people who supported the DSM because that’s what it felt like I had to do in order to have a space to exist at all.

It feels like you’re also responding out of anger. And that anger is justified! You’re allowed to be upset about upsetting things. But is this really the best way to help yourself or others? Is this actually improving anything?

… sigh.

Addressing some points you made:

I would suggest educating yourself on the history of plurality and syscourse. The term System likely originated in medical spaces to describe a system of parts. It did gain popularity from MPD systems using it as a community term, and then, when the natural multiplicity movement broke off from MPD, they took the term system with them. People are upset about this, even though that is a very nuanced topic. Check out @pluraldeepdive’s website for more description and sources for those claims.

I’m glad you feel very similar to endogenic systems. I do not, as a DID system, and find endogenic only or endogenic dominated spaces very alienating. When I go to endogenic tags, I find myself dissociating more, because it just feels very… liminal. It feels viscerally different.

I am so, so disgusted by the term healthy multiplicity at this point. I’m so frustrated how often I’ve seen the claim that I can “learn how to be healthy” from endogenic systems. Solely endogenic systems do not have the hurdles I have. I don’t want to have to learn how to be endogenic. I want to learn how to overcome my trauma, to integrate the dissociative parts of my singular identity, etc. I’m so… tired of having to defend my right to have DID and relate to DID.

I’m in agreement that focusing only on trauma isn’t healthy. But that doesn’t mean I have to look at non-traumatized people for my hope. I’m glad it works for you, but it doesn’t work for me. I need to be able to acknowledge my trauma in order to grow, and I find a lot of solace and peace in knowing how far I’ve come despite the hurdles I’ve faced — hurdles that many endogenic systems don’t seem to share.

And lastly…

As lovely as it is to say, “let’s all be friends” at the end, you also acknowledged that you were being unfriendly, just like anon was. I want to ask: were you as angry as anon? Were you as upset as they were? Why or why not?

And if you weren’t as upset — dare I say, potentially, triggered — as them… did you need to speak with any unkindness? Did you need to respond at all?

In situations like this, in the future, I would analyze: would responding in this way help people? How? Would it be better to make your own post, rather than respond to this ask?

And most of all: what kindness can we show our fellow traumatized individuals?

SAS’s reply is heated and angry. I experienced those same feelings, reading your post. I could’ve let those feelings take control of me, and I don’t think anyone would blame me if I took them out on you. What your post said to me was, plainly, “Endogenic systems should be the goal of DID systems; the goal isn’t to survive with trauma, but to not have trauma at all.” And as a survivor, that hurts, especially coming from another survivor.

But, I’m trying to turn my anger into things that are productive. And plainly, I can see that my anger wouldn’t be productive if directed your way. After all, anon’s anger was ridiculed. Mine would be as well, and I’m certain SAS’s will be. Anger is so often ridiculed here.

So today I managed to keep a lid on those emotions and just express my profound disappointment instead.

Just know — I feel the same way he did.

I’m tired. And I just want to be able to be openly traumatized. I think a lot of anti-endos just want that too.

Good luck with what your day brings.

endogenic plurality may be real but they're not systems, their experience will never match up to real systems and they should get the fuck out of system spaces. it's pathetic and laughable that they think they're similar to a disorder formed around trauma

- a traumagenic system

Aww what happened to “medically impossible”? Where’s all your facts and logic huh? So sad you don’t seem to actually have proof for that very bold claim you were making earlier.

First, endo systems have been calling themselves systems for just as long as CDD systems have. CDD systems don’t own the word, it’s used for a lot of other things too. Hell even singlets use it in IFS.

Second, I have DID and relate to endogenic systems just as much as other DID systems sorry but you’re just wrong lol. It’s more or less the same as the difference between a traumatized & un traumatized singlet. They generally dont have the amnesia, cptsd, and less dissociation, but overall they’re still really similar to us.

It’s not healthy to completely avoid interacting with ppl without trauma. Sure, CDD spaces are for people with CDDs, but like I said non disordered systems generally aren’t trying to be there anyway. It’s good to have mixed spaces where disordered systems can get an idea of what healthy multiplicity can look like and non disordered systems can learn about and support ppl with CDDs.

It’s not healthy to look down on a group of people just because they don’t have the same experiences as you, just because they haven’t suffered as much. Personally when I see plurals without trauma it gives me hope for the future, makes me feel like I can have a happy ending too yknow? Like I don’t have to be defined by trauma just cause I’m in a system. I know not everyone will feel like that and you don’t have to, but that’s just my perspective.

Look I know we’ve been really .. unfriendly to you here (as you have also been to us to some extent) but like I genuinely would love for us to just be able to get along. This kind of fighting is really unhealthy for the cdd community and the wider plural community. we’re stronger together, both in our own minds and in our external communities.

[prettyboykatsuki]

I saw your answer about how creative pieces in fandom are interacted with in a similar way that people interact with big for-profit media, and how the term content creator has become kind of a demarcation of that changed relationship, and I really had to rock back on my heels and think on that for a while. I'd sort of internalized that term without even thinking about it, but you're right. The way we consume media is so deeply tied to consumerism and brand marketing its kinda scary ngl.

hello!!!! and yeah this is a big, long-standing issue i've been silently observing for a long time and recently connected all together. for anyone confused - this is in reference to this post. i think the real start of this was the 50 shades of gray books but that's another can of worms to open so ill refrain unles askedd.

@/hawnks had some good tags on the phrase "content" and "content creator" in particular that i really agree with that i'll link here that echoes and reflects my feelings on the idea.

the idea that fandom spaces and people who participate and make fanart / fiction / media are creators create a sense of divide in a space meant to founded on community and shared interest. mint said something about how people in fandom are neighbors more than anything else and that resonated with me.

often i warn people about the writing space on tumblr for the same reason (though it's just. fandom overall). while i loathe the term content creator, there is a cognitive dissonance that also exists. in a sort of unavoidable way, when you start to write - people immediately view you as a figurehead because of the same issues i was talking about in the original post.

a writer like me or you or anyone might not view themselves like that, but because of the consumerism, because of severed ties between maker and enjoyer - there's a huge divide in community. a difference between a writer or reader that should've never existed and is truly perpetuated through the word content creator.

a lot readers / people who don't publish fan content as it stands view themselves as passive, unimportant participants. because fan works are not consumed as personal pieces but as big pieces of media - people also engage with you like they would a big, corporate production.

fandom reader and fandom writer / artist / editor are a symbiotic relationship. they're supposed to benefit and depend on each other and have completely equal value. i am no different than the people who send me anons, or asks, or comment on my fics and im not meant to be. im just a guy who writes and i am desperately looking for a guy who reads to bring me joy with a like, rb or comment. that engagement is fuel for me and so are those brief connections.

but because that has detiorated over time and how people engage with fandom has changed so much - it creates this weird liminal space for people who decide to put their writing or art or edits or memes out. the dynamic has changed in an intense and uncomfortable way and it's not anyone fault

when people treat you as a figurehead when you haven't asked to be, haven't marketed yourself that way - how do you deal? when your position is no longer passive and people are suddenly seeking you out for input?

i think the way consumerism in fandom has fucked over the people who still love and enjoy it is what has bothered me most. it's frustrating and complicated and no one group is particularly to blame so i avoid talking about it but it really does suck

[nocturne-overtures]

Kinktober Day 5-Bad Influences

Pairing: Lee Minhyuk (BTOB)/Lee Felix

Prompt: Daddy Kink, Spanking, Cumming From Punishment

WC: 2k+

Genre(s)/AU(s): Smut, Idolverse, Fluff

TWs: Swearing

SWs: Daddy Kink, Pet Names, Spanking (Hand and Paddle), Marking (Imprints), Bratty Sub, Teasing, Semi-Public, Sexual Punishment, Stoplight System, Dominant Idol, Submissive Idol, BDSM Overtones, Praise Kink, Pain Kink, Crying, Aftercare

Everything here is Safe, Sane, and Consensual as always, folks

A/N: I also have the tagged folks according to your preferences so if you’re someone who asked to be tagged in btob works, skz works, or both and included member x member works, then beep boop you’re gettin tagged. Also this is set during Kingdom filming

AO3

New! taglist moved to the bottom of the work. if you’d like to be added to the taglist for this or my other works, feel free to fill out the form here after reading the full post. ©Nocturne-Overtures. do not repost, translate, or use my works.

Kinktober 2021 Masterlist

Day 4                  Day 6

Network Pings: @kdiarynet @kwritersworld @kpopscape

Minhyuk was many things. 

Easily riled up, was not one of them. 

No, he was a very meticulous man. Took his time analyzing situations with a deceptive smile on his face, feigning aloofness while he sorted his thoughts. 

Think, before you act. Always. 

It was a lesson Felix hadn’t quite grasped yet, deciding he was going to follow after his friends’ footsteps and try provoking Minhyuk into action. 

Had he been learning bad behaviours from Wooyoung, Sanghyuk, and Sunwoo? Definitely. 

Unfortunately for Felix, Minhyuk had the benefit of age and experience on his side. He loved his boyfriend, no doubt, but he wasn’t so swooned and whipped that he’d crack like San. He wasn’t a switch in any capacity, so the tables didn’t get turned on him like with Youngbin. And he surely didn’t get flustered or caught out by misbehaviour like Sangyeon. 

So when Felix took to subtly brushing against him as they passed backstage for filming, when he sent him suggestive photos while changing costumes, the times he’d appear at Cube, an innocent smile on his freckled face as he sat directly in Minhyuk’s lap, pouting and chattering about how much he wished he could have fun with Minhyuk whenever he wanted like the others-

Minhyuk only hummed, kissing the top of Felix’s head. Today they were in the older man’s home, resting before the upcoming field day event.

“We only have a few more weeks of filming. I’ll be sure to stop by more often.”

“I mean...we have time now so-”

Felix pouted and looked up, shifting beside him on the couch, his freckled cheeks slightly puffed out. 

“Are you going to keep doing that?”

Minhyuk cocked a brow. 

“Doing what?” 

“Not…” Felix trailed off, making a small frustrated noise. Minhyuk cocked a brow, an amused noise leaving his lips. 

“Not what, baby? Fucking you?” 

Felix nodded and Minhyuk set the pen he had in his hand down, closing the notebook to the raps he was writing and humming. 

“Why do you think I haven’t fucked you, Felix?”

“I don’t know! I’ve been trying and-” he cut himself off, lips pursing.

Minhyuk couldn’t help the chuckle that left his lips, a deep rumble resonating from his chest as he looked at Felix in amusement. 

“C’mon to my room. I’ll tell you why it didn’t work.” 

Felix perked and nodded eagerly, hustling after him, practically on Minhyuk’s heels. 

How he ended up here, sprawled out across Minhyuk’s lap with the older man humming and rubbing his ass was another story. Felix blushed, looking up, expecting Minhyuk to finger him and prep him. Instead, he had his head lightly tilted up, looking into Felix’s eyes. 

Instantly, the younger man realized-finally-that he may have been in trouble, eyes widening. 

“Um-”

“Would you like to explain now? Or would you prefer to take your punishment as I explain to you what you did wrong?"

Felix shrunk a bit, cheeks flared. 

“I can let you go and let you explain yourself. Or I can spank you and I tell you why you’re in trouble.”

Felix looked into his eyes. Minhyuk never moved his gaze from his. He was giving him a choice. He always did. Felix looked back, finding a small leather paddle sitting beside Minhyuk’s thigh while his large hand lie rested on Felix’s ass, unmoving for now. 

He shied and nodded. 

“I’m staying here.” 

“Do you remember our system?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

Minhyuk nodded, a pleased sound leaving his lips. 

“Good.” 

He grabbed the paddle, rubbing Felix’s ass in circles before he brought the paddle down hard on his ass. Felix jolted and yelped, though Minhyuk kept him in his lap with his free hand wrapped securely around Felix’s waist. 

“You don’t have to count this time. But Daddy wants you to know that following after the other Brats is why that pretty ass is in trouble.”

Felix yipped at the second, then third hit, cheeks flushing as he felt the leather rub over his sore cheek between Minhyuk’s talking. 

“I j-just wanted you t-to….to…” He flushed and lowered his head. Minhyuk tapped his ass with the paddle. 

“Lift your head. You wanted me to what?”

“F-fuck me. They...they said being bratty and teasing works all the time for them and-fuck!” He cursed and jolted when his untouched cheek was struck, Minhyuk’s grip still strong around his waist. 

“There’s a difference between their Doms and Daddy, kitten.” he lightly scolded, his voice never going above the volume of his normal speaking tone. Felix bowed his head down. 

“S-sorry, Daddy.” Minhyuk hummed and rubbed his ass. 

“Are you?”

Felix nodded before whimpering and dropping his head once more when another hard spank fell to his ass. He could feel something on the paddle, like...an outline? Though the paddle was never pressed to his sore ass long enough for him to distinguish what it is. Minhyuk took care to rub him between spanks with the smooth end of the paddle. 

“Pick your head up, baby.” Minhyuk reminded him. Felix shuddered and muttered a quick apology before Minhyuk paused. 

“Are you alright?”

Felix nodded. 

“What’s your color, baby?”

“Green.” 

Minhyuk kissed his head before he continued. 

“I’m not San, or Youngbin, I’m not Sangyeon either. Who am I?”

“Minhyuk-hyung.”

A light tap to his ass from the paddle had Felix’s hips jolt, anticipating a full hit before he blushed. He realized he was hard, his cock pressed fully against Minhyuk’s leg. 

When had he gotten hard?

“Who am I, Felix?” He asked again. 

“M-My Daddy.” 

“Good. So Daddy is going to tell you, the best way to get him to fuck you, is to ask.” the paddle was discarded without a word, Minhyuk’s calloused hand squeezing and kneading both of Felix’s cheeks. 

“I won’t reward you with my cock for being a brat, Felix.” he scolded him, his hand coming down on Felix’s left cheek. A scream of surprise left his mouth and he nearly scrambled out of Minhyuk’s lap, his cock jumping against the fabric of the older man’s gym shorts. Minhyuk loosened his grip, giving him the chance to get out of it if he wanted to. 

Felix shook his head and settled back down, slightly panting as tears gathered in the corner of his eyes. 

“Color?”

“G-Green.”

Minhyuk hummed, sitting in silence for a few minutes, just groping and kneading the heated skin under his hand. Felix kept his head up like asked, though his thighs shook from his position across Minhyuk’s lap. The older man took notice, pulling him forward a bit more, spreading his long legs so he could support Felix a bit better. 

Once Felix had stopped shaking as much, Minhyuk continued. 

“Do you want to be a brat, Felix?”

Felix shook his head, groaning at the next spank, the tears rolling down his cheek as he clenched and unclenched his fists. 

“N-No, Daddy!”

“No? Not gonna try and be like Sunwoo and grind on me backstage like he does with Sangyeon?” 

Felix shook his head quickly, his hair stuck to his face and neck from the sweat that began to build up on his body. 

“What about sitting in my lap during meetings with the others? Mmm? Is it fair to tease Daddy like the others do? Do you think you should have my cock after being such a tease like that?” he inquired. Felix shook his head once more, biting his lip and all but thrusting against Minhyuk’s leg with the next jolt from his spank, his entire body flushed. 

He’d gotten hard, painfully so. Part of him feared he’d cum just from this. 

“D-Daddy-”

Minhyuk’s hand froze midair, attentive brown eyes looking down immediately. 

“What is it, baby? Do you want to stop?”

“N-No I…M...maybe? I feel like I’m going to cum and I don’t wanna be bad.”

Minhyuk’s eyes twinkled with mirth. 

“You’re gonna cum from your punishment?”

Felix shook his head quickly, embarrassed. 

“Felix. Be honest baby.” 

He flushed before nodding a moment later. 

“Do you want to cum?” 

He lifted his head, looking back at him with big eyes still teary from the pleasured pain thrumming through his cheeks. 

“I was bad.”

“I think you learned your lesson, personally. So I’ll ask you again. Do you want to cum?”

Felix nodded. 

“Yes, Daddy, please?”

“See? Those are the manners Daddy is looking for.” Minhyuk grabbed a few pillows, letting Felix rest his head on them before he resumed his spanking, growling between each strike. 

“Your ass looks pretty like this, baby. The red makes your freckles stand out. Go ahead, you can cum for me.” 

Felix could barely decipher his words between the sound of skin hitting skin and his own moaning and pleasured cries, his cock painfully hard between his legs. Minhyuk had growled something in particular, along the lines of Felix being his ‘cute pain slut’ before the younger man saw stars, cumming messily all over Minhyuk’s lap, his legs and thighs shaking as he nearly slipped to the floor from the force of it. 

Minhyuk held him tighter, keeping him steady as he picked him up, laying with Felix settled in his arms. 

He was careful, brushing Felix’s hair back and cooing sweet nothings to him as he sobbed against his chest. 

“You’re alright, baby boy. You did well for me.”

“B-But I was a brat-”

“Mmm. You were. And you took your punishment well. So, you’re a good boy. Hey, look at me,” Minhyuk waited until Felix’s sniffles subsided into little hiccups, the pained pleasure an overwhelming first time feeling for him. Minhyuk wiped his cheeks and kissed him gently. 

“You did so well. Let Daddy take care of you, okay?”

Felix nodded and held onto his arms as he stood, carrying him off to shower off. Minhyuk laughed and waved off the hasty apologies as Felix noticed him putting his shorts in the wash. 

“Don’t apologize to me, baby boy.” 

One magnolia scented, aloe-infused bath later, and Felix was on his stomach, eyes closed as Minhyuk gently massaged lotion over his cheeks. 

He was careful of his strength and there was no skin broken, but Felix had noted-in sheer delight-that Minhyuk’s paddle actually did have indentations, and they actually were hearts. Now his freckled bottom sported not only Minhyuk’s handprint to the left and a row of hearts to the right. 

“So...I think I have a spanking kink.” Felix mused tiredly as Minhyuk got him settled on his chest, putting on Deadpool for them to enjoy, since it had been one of Felix’s favorites. Minhyuk laughed and kissed him, holding his waist once he was sure Felix was warm and covered by the blanket. 

“I noticed.”

-xoxo-

So the field day was a completely different experience. 

Minhyuk felt a sense of pride as Felix waddled forward amongst the cheers that he had been voted as one of their top three visuals. The man looked around, pointing at himself through his slightly overgrown sweater and the older couldn’t hold back the happy exclamation of Felix’s name as he shuffled forward. 

He genuinely was surprised when they announced him for the number one of their visual kings, but he took it nonetheless, catching Felix mimicking his showboating from the corner of his eye.

How cute.

“They ended up voting for each other!”

Minhyuk turned, pointing at Felix as the younger man bowed deeply, flustered at having been chosen. 

He should have known Minhyuk would’ve chosen his baby boy above all else, but that’s beside the point. 

“Hey Felix, good boy.” 

Felix flushed and bowed again, and Minhyuk was approached later as they began to help staff clean up, the sun having gone down and the festivities over. 

“Hyung?” 

Minhyuk looked up at him, tilting his head. 

“Yes, Felix-ah?” he inquired, glancing around. The others were busy hustling to help staff so they could all rest up, leaving the two relatively alone. Felix adjusted his pink sleeves and looked up at him. 

“Uh...can I come over this weekend? For...um…’practice?’”

Minhyuk took it for what it was, a proud and knowing smirk tugging at his lips. 

“Yeah, of course.”

Taglist----

@not-majestic-bluenicorn @kimnamshiks @atiny-dazzlinglight @queenofhimbos @daisyhwa @gettin-a-lil-hanse @yunhofingers @stormiestories @billboard-singer @sweetutopia @lovely-devil6 @babiebumm @jacksons-goddess-gaia @storytimedragon @netcookie @seomisaho 

[lovely-necromancy]

A Cure for Insomnia CH 1.

This is a reader insert I originally started posting on AO3. I’m cross posting here because I know some of the fandom still lives here.

Quick Disclaimer:

This is a fic I'm writing for my own comfort.

I was inspired by RaeBees (you can check out their works over on Quotev and AO3), and how they characterize the "proxies". Having always seen the characters different than most of the fandom I've interacted with I never really shared my thoughts until now. This work is only placed in the Creepypasta tag so it reaches its demographic. However, I am fully aware of the fact that no main character is considered a Pasta.

It may also appear to lean more Toby X Protag in the beginning but end goal is protag with all three, and Brian and Tim already in a relationship. How I picture it now is a slowburn but Toby and Protag will be in a friends with benefits relationship before either has any feelings, so I think that counts. Some may be confused by the asexual protag tag but it'll be explained in story, as an Ace myself I get frustrated with media that only show one version and say it goes for us all. That being said I don't represent the whole Ace community but I hope to provide a bit more representation for some others out there.

Protag will be depicted as agender, and will have a few tics that stem from their Autism. Again I don't speak for any others with Autism but I hope to provide some representation for those in similar positions.

Tags will be updated as the story progresses. Canon-Typical violence and mental health issues are to be expected if you feel uncomfortable with those aspects I advise you to not engage. This story will also have a lot of NSFW themes and scenes so I highly discourage anyone under the age of 18 from viewing this work. You will get warnings on chapters with NSFW and I will make it skippable as well.

I'm also very nitpicky and gave the main characters birthdays just because it irritates me when it gets mentioned once and you have to do the math or imagine your own conversation when a birthday was too close to a character's.

Tim January 1st, home state Alabama

Toby April 28th, home state Virginia (saw this years ago no clue if it's accurate)

Protag May 13th, home state Virginia

Brian May 23rd, home state Alabama

Connor the service dog July 18th, home state Kentucky

I've referred to Protag as Protag here but in story they're referred to as YN.

Everything felt impossibly dull; your senses, the dark room you're currently in, the noise coming from the fan just to the left of the bed on which you laid. Turning to the window beside your head you stare out into that weird midnight summer sky. More of a gray than a true dark blue night, cast in an orange glow that made the night seem closer to day than it truly was. While the time was just half past twelve, you felt it may have been more accurate to say it was closer to four in the morning.

You're exhausted but that true sort of exhaustion where whatever energy you have left buzzes all around. It consumes your entire being, dances between being deafeningly loud in your ears to giving you twitches in your legs. You'd laid down hours ago thinking you'd be tired enough to sleep once your tics started to spasm in closer intervals, but to no avail were you able to rest. That buzzing preventing you from dreamland. Maybe the hum of your body was right, you didn't really need to sleep, you just wanted it to feel normal.

Knowing the battle had already been lost you push yourself off the bed and grab a pair of shorts off the floor. Slipping them on you contemplate your options for the night. Going into town was out since it was Sunday...well Monday now, but there would be nothing but bars open and you were never one for drinking. And as fun as a drive sounds right now, you feel the buzzing in your bones grow stronger, you need to move. A late night hike should keep you occupied, with it being so quiet and the middle of the night you wouldn't even have to take your headphones to cancel out the sounds of other people, you aren't likely to run into many people tonight.

Deciding on a hike you grab a mask and car keys and make your way to your yellow Kia Soul. A going away present from your parents that they gave you the moment you got your driver's license after your 24th birthday. Having anxiety throughout your life you'd never been in the head space to start driving till later on, and while you still don't enjoy driving you are pretty good at it even with your “late” start. Surfing through radio stations as you let the car warm up you find your latest obsession, it's a conspiracy theory podcast that someone in Kepler managed to blast through the limited air ways of the town. Impressive considering Kepler was in a radio quiet zone and even cell phones couldn't work in the small town, luckily you lived just outside of the zone so you could send texts and call your parents every weekend.

It seemed today's episode was a rerun, Mothman: Murderer, Man, or Myth. It was actually one of your favorites, the paranormal stories tended to be more entertaining than hearing about how a man could murder sixteen people while working as a cop ruining evidence to lead the others off his trail. Humans could be more vial and cruel than any little gray alien from the future or tall Fresno Nightcrawler could ever be. And they weren't as entertaining to hear about, nor were their exploits as impressive. You could always see patterns, either connecting clues first or finding connections no one else saw, it was never hard to tell where a certain case would lead so you'd always end up disappointed in humanity when they overlooked such obvious clues. Though that often led you down a path of deep diving for information to see just how obvious it was, more often than not you'd find that the most logical conclusion was shady public officers. After investigating so many cold cases you're sure if you're ever in trouble you'll never involve the police, in the end they'd probably just ignore you and rule your case closed if anything ever did happen to you.

'I'd haunt them if they did.' You decide and you shift gears and begin driving to the Monongahela National Forest, as the timeline of Mothman sightings and events play out before for your ears.

Instead of going through town and possibly loosing the signal of the show, you drive on the old dirt road that runs along the very edge of the town, partially covered in trees. This over grown road is the main reason Kepler doesn't see many visitors, the second someone makes their way onto it coming off the interstate they floor it until they see civilization. Over the few months you've been here you've nearly been run right off the road by spooked tourists, trying to escape whatever ghouls their wild imaginations created. The only real thing on this road was a mini mart gas station, and even though it was shady as hell the cashier didn't bug you too much when you came in in the dead of night. Plus they had a cat, how could you not stop in and say hi to little ole Magnolia?

Speaking of which you should probably get a drink for your hike, you could already feel your throat drying out. Turning into the parking lot you're happy to see no other cars around, putting your face mask on you make your way inside. As usual the store is dead at this time, and Ronnie is manning the desk. What's unusual is the man also behind the counter, he has dark brown hair that he's tied into a small and low ponytail, thick sideburns frame his face. You immediately take note of the slight imperfections of his face, most would see the slit in his eyebrow as following the current trend or even just a genetic thing, but you can see the slightly off color of a healed scar that starts just above his eyebrow and ends mid eyelid, he has a few smaller discolorations on his crooked nose, you'd guess he's had it broken at least twice.

Briefly taking a glance to his brown eyes before looking away, today is not an eye contact day. Nodding in their directions, the best acknowledgment you can give right now, you make your way to the freezers. From the freezer section you can hear Ronnie “explain” you.

“That's YN, a regular mainly at night though. A bit skittish and rarely ever says more than 'thanks have a nice day'” Even though she's whispering you can hear everything. Including the high octave her voice takes to mimic you, it feels more like mocking.

If being mocked hadn't already put you on edge the eyes boring into you have. The eyes may not be roaming over your body but the icky crawling of your skin sure makes it feel that way. The feeling of being put under a microscope has always made you sick, the stares, the leers and sneers, and the judgment just makes you want to implode on the spot. Cease existence, be swallowed into the abyss. You're about to set yourself into an anxiety attack with all these thoughts.

'Mask, mask, mask' you repeat over and over in your head, it's the only thing you can focus on. You are wearing a mask, there is one thing they can't perceive, the face is the most important for humans to perceive, your mask protects you.

Without looking you pull a water bottle from the cooler. You don't think you like this brand but the sports mouth makes up for it, and you can't focus enough to grab another. As the imaginary spiders crawl their way under your skin and your breath hitches you make your way over to the counter head down, never looking up at the employees beyond the counter. Your vision is blurring in time with the beating of your heart, you can't tell if it's due to nerves or from being up for five days in a row.

“Hey YN, how're you?” Ronnie asks, her tone is different from the past times you've been in. It's higher and has a lilt in it that you'd expect from a teasing friend. But Ronnie isn't a friend and has never spoken to you like this, you hate it. You nod to politely move on with the process, between the crawling of your skin and the buzzing underneath it you feel sick. And you're now very aware of the existence of your eyelids, you try to focus on ignoring that awareness. You need to move.

“Hmm, that's good. Anyway this is Tim! He's just started so go easy on him.” you hear the sound of a hand hitting fabric and assume she's patted Tim's shoulder as she introduced Tim to you. Why was she doing this, what purpose could introducing you two have? You nod again, was anyone going to ring you out?

“Hi, this all?” a deep voice asked, it isn't extremely deep more of a standard baritone that has a slight raspy quality, probably a reformed smoker. You don't smell cigarettes currently so he could've quit after years. Unfortunately despite your efforts to stave them off your blinking tics emerge. Making it difficult to keep your eyes open for longer than a nano second.

Startled and ticcing you look up and catch his eyes, you see pity in them, before casting your glance back to the counter. You can never tell what's worse people seeing you as weird or seeing you as something needing to be fixed. Nodding again, Tim tells you the total; a dollar fifty eight, and you hand him two dollars from your wallet.

Tim doesn't ask if you want the receipt or a bag, he prints out the receipt and hands you your change. The change goes immediately into the cat food fund for Magnolia. She got diagnosed with diabetes about a month ago and having worked in shelters and pet stores you know just how expensive her prescription food is. After folding the receipt into your wallet, Tim gently slides the water bottle over to you.

“Have a good night.” he says it so low and gentle, as if he thinks you'll shatter in front of him. As kind as the gesture seems, you aren't that fragile...or maybe you are if you have to keep repeating 'mask' over and over in your head to ground yourself. With a final nod you turn and make your way to the door, and just as you open it you hear Ronnie call out.

“Awwww, c'mon YN at least say 'Hi' to Tim.” You really don't like how she squeaked out 'hi'.

Taking a deep breath you prepare yourself, you'll show them both you can do this simple task. Even if you can't stop blinking long enough to see straight. Once you've steadied yourself you turn and look at Tim. He's sending you a look that says 'You don't have to' all that's missing is a slow head shake to complete his unease with this “peer pressure”.

But you can do this you can say 'Hi, Tim.' Two words super simple, nothing complex like 'Hi, Tim, nice to meet you.' and so much better than the option of your next meeting saying 'Hi, Tim. Sorry for spazzing out the other night.'. Yup you can do this just breathe, you open your mouth and...and you've forgotten what to say. Looking like a deer in headlights, well at least the tics stopped, you say the first thing that pops in.

“Mask.” You've said it loud and clear both cashiers heard you.

Tim stares with wide eyes and you see Ronnie failing to hide her laughter. Out of all the ways this could've gone this was probably the best outcome for her. The blinking has started up again, this time growing more frequent. You can't even hold your eyes open, to the two cashiers it must look like you're in pain or crying. And while you want to die of embarrassment, crying is a bit of an extreme for you.

So with red face and the inability to see you leave through the door, and try to make your way back to your car. Once in you lock the doors, switch the car on, and rest your head on the steering wheel. Out of every way this stop could've gone, being perceived by a new comer and Ronnie was not what you expected. While this hadn't been the worst five minutes or so of your life, it definitely would be another thing keeping you up at night for the next twenty years.

Calming down in the cool quiet dark of your car your slowly brought back to the world by the beginning of a new episode. This one talking about the Tailypo legend. A favorite story of yours from when you were a kid living on the coast of Virginia. So with yet another deep breath and the wave of nostalgia, you pull out of the parking lot and slowly coast down the old dirt road. Heading yet again for the Monongahela forest.

It's nearly two in the morning when you roll up to see an RV parked by the forgotten entrance of the park. It isn't surprising at all to find an RV out here since the Monongahela Forest is one of the most beautiful parks you've ever been to. You also don't think anything of them being parked by this unused entrance because you use it all the time since finding it accidentally. Figuring they just wanted to camp and be left to their own devices rather than use the RV sites and be bothered with other campers here for the summer.

Climbing out of your car you notice the RV isn't new by any means but it isn't a total rust bucket either, looks like it's been passed around throughout the years. There isn't anything to suggest it's been here a while, nothing left set up outside, must have just gotten into town then. You do happen to notice dog tracks around the sandy dirt you've parked in, good to know they have a dog before you slammed your car door. Closing the door gently behind you so you don't startle a pup and wake up it's owner or owners, you make your way through the woods. No real direction in mind, with no real thought in your head. Just the thought of moving and to keep on moving.

You could walk the same path every time you came through and always find something different. In fact that's exactly what happens, you're almost positive that you've deepened the imprint of the path just from walking through several times a week. Following the same winding path you usually do, climbing over the fallen tree, and through a scattering of blueberry thicket's you find yourself on the edge of one of the forest's many streams. It's your favorite spot in the forest so far, and about as far as you've gotten considering these hikes of yours take place during the dead of night.

The wind picks up and sends a chill through you, taking that as a sign you slide down to sit by the stream. Vans placed to your side as you sink your feet into the cool water. It's peaceful out here, so cool, and quiet, save for the slight noises the stream makes, various bubbling and drips. You try to think on things like your recent move, your job, the embarrassing 'mask' incident, just life in general. But you can't seem to form a single thought, this happens a lot, you've recently been conscious of the fact that you've been running on auto pilot for the past two months, hell a lot longer than that. You think everyone must get like this from time to time, but you think you've always been this way. Keen to dissociating and slipping in and out of existence.

It's quite nice really, except for the times like right now where you'd love to figure out why the silence in your head is so painfully loud. The more you think on it the louder it gets and the stronger the buzzing under your skin feels. And right now the static in your mind has been getting louder and louder for the past few minutes. You feel your head jerk to the right of it's own accord, moving back in place it happens for a second time, and then a third, then jerks up, before jerking a forth time to the right effectively cracking you neck.

“There we go.” you mumble, you can relax a bit as the verbal tic indicates the end of this round of tics.

Sighing you look at the sky...that can't be right. The sky has been painted it's fresh baby blues for the day, but again that can't be right. You just got to the stream, that path is a thirty minute walk meaning it should be just about two thirty in the morning, but the sky suggests it's five or six at the latest. Reaching for your water bottle you find it empty next to you. You didn't fall asleep you know that much, perhaps you did dissociate tonight. Well this hike was disappointing if you knew you were going to dissociate you'd have saved yourself that embarrassment and stayed home. Maybe done some painting or tidied up.

Sighing you push yourself off the ground, collecting you vans you're about to put them on when you notice a figure off in the distance. You freeze out of shock and stare at the figure, it stares back. The figure is about ten yards away, god your near sighted ass should really remember to not leave your glasses in the car when hiking. The figure starts to make it's way to you and after a few steps you realize it hasn't moved from it's spot. Rolling your eyes you ignore the hallucination.

You'd really needed to get sleep last night, today is day six of no sleep and though you haven't had many episodes these past few days, you have a feeling they'll start to get more prominent today. Hopefully tonight you can manage to get some rest, the longer you go without sleep the more realistic the hallucinations become. But for today you're content with the knowledge that it's just shadow like beings that you'll be seeing.

After putting on your shoes you start the thirty minute hike back to your car. You're thankful for the weather in Kepler, nothing like back on the coast. Here you can go for a morning hike through the forest while a gentle breeze passes by and the sun starts to give the area a pleasant warmth. Back on the coast you couldn't run and grab the mail without getting drenched in moisture from either sweat, humidity, or a mixture of both.  The coast sucks, hell Virginia sucks altogether, you're glad to be in Kepler.

“I want to go home, home.” you say out of nowhere.

Before you reach the entrance you hear barking, oh the RV campers must be up. Should you be careful not to scare them, or just walk normally and say 'Good morning' in passing, maybe just nod your head in greeting. Oh and you've stopped just beside the entrance as you got lost in your rambling. You didn't mean to come to a stop here, and as you try to move you notice how silent it's gotten. Did the dog go inside, maybe they've already passed...no it's too quiet for that. No the silence is oppressive like the one you deal with nightly, there's a reason for the silence. The situation's making you feel uneasy, but that could be the sleep deprivation talking.

You're about to brush it off and move when you hear a whispered, “Seriously man, I don't think anyone's out there. Let's get inside.”

There's a noise of agreement before you hear shuffling. Oh no, you zoned out and now you look like a weirdo stalker. Just perfect, maybe if you wait around a little more you'll seem more normal or at least feel normal. Not knowing how long to wait you walk along the tree line for a bit, looking at the ground as you do making sure you won't step on any snakes. In you quest to not step on any snakes you spot something suspiciously off white. It seems purposefully buried under a dead blueberry bush and some fallen branches.

Having listened to too many true crime shows, you know better than to implicate yourself in a murder. Grabbing a stick off the ground you gently brush the foliage away from the supposed corpse. No way, you can't believe your luck, it's an actual fucking skull. An intact skull of a deer! That is so cool, you've only seen taxidermists on TikTok getting so lucky and finding these dudes. Since the jaw bone is connected by tissue it of course isn't with the skull but maybe it's close by? Clearly this got planted or hidden by someone, maybe they were planning on pranking a friend by 'uncovering' a skull later. Oh well, finders keepers and all that, you have way better plans for this guy, hopefully you can find that jaw bone.

You set off searching through the foliage and near by bushes with the branch while holding the skull in your other arm. After searching about three feet around and finding no more bones you decide that this is the only part of the deer's skeleton in this area. A little disappointed but still thrilled with your find, you decide it must be a good time to go back to your car.

Surely you won't look weird now. You a little forager with their treasure in hand. Looks like you'll be busy cleaning, then bleaching, and cleaning these bones today. Is that the order to treat found bones? You aren't sure but you can look into that later. Placing the skull in the trunk so it doesn't roll about and get damaged you make sure it's secure before closing the trunk and getting into your car and locking the doors.

Not once did you notice the pairs of eyes that had been watching you. One watching as you found the deer skull, and the other set seeing you place bones into your car. They kept watching as you fiddled with the radio while the car was starting up. They watched as you pulled out of the sandy dirt lot and drove back down the old road a little faster than before now that you could clearly see.

[peachsayshi]

Chapter 10 - Intimate (2)

Tags: Friends with Benefits, Angst, Fluff 

Summary: Gojo uses you to relieve some of his stress after his little argument with your best friend, and poses a question that catches you off guard.

A/N: this chapter was a bit difficult for me to write and I think it's because it turned out to be sort of a filler chapter! Also, please excuse any errors - I am definitely posting this half asleep lol! but I am really excited to share the upcoming ones! I initially said that this was going to be 25 chapters but I outlined the rest of the story and there will be more! Hehe I do plan on doing the few extra one-shots in the end, so I hope you enjoy.

- - - 

“Tell me you’re mine…”  

You blushed at the thought of Satoru’s words, painfully aware of the knot that tightened in the pit of your stomach which then tugged at your lungs, slowing your breath. You reached for the seasoning packets, ripping open the colored wrappers to prepare the ramen broth. You watched as tiny circles began to form from the bottom of the metal pot, bubbling it’s way to the surface. You could hear the shower still running from your bathroom, a bit relieved that Gojo was taking his time because you wanted to bask in the few precious minutes you had to yourself to try and quieten your racing thoughts.

You couldn’t focus on the task of preparing dinner because the word “mine” slipping from Gojo’s lips in a feverish claim was playing on a loop in your head. The way his tone darkened with urgency when he held his body close to yours sent goosebumps to run up your arms. You couldn’t figure out where the possessive streak came from or why he felt the need to assert his dominance over an act that should not have been as intimate as it felt. You folded your arms over your chest, subconsciously pinching your skin as you tried to ignore the way your heart skipped a beat.

There was a difference when you made your own personal comparisons in the safety of your mind versus Gojo bringing it up in the bedroom. Somehow admitting your confession to him made you feel vulnerable and his reaction didn’t make it any  better, appearing to be competitive about the entire situation.

That doesn’t make any sense, why would he care? you wondered.

You never actually paid attention to how Gojo felt about your ex-boyfriend. For the most part he’s always been nice to him. Although the two of them weren’t the closest of friends, they seemed to get along whenever you all hung out together. You never would have anticipated that Gojo would be…

Jealous of him ?

That he would resent him?

Honestly, you didn’t even have an explanation for what it could possibly mean.

“ Pay attention…”

Gojo’s voice startled you, you didn’t even realise he was standing right behind you until you noticed him reach his arm forward to reduce the flame, stopping the water from bubbling over the pot.

“Whoops! Lost my train of thought for a second...” you lied, refusing to look in his direction in the hopes that he wouldn’t catch you blushing.

“That’s a safety hazard, you know?” he teased, still standing dangerously close behind you as he reached for the dry noodles himself and placed them into the pot. “You need sharp eyes when cooking otherwise you’ll end up having an unnecessary accident.”

A nervous chuckle escaped you as you circled to face him. Gojo had borrowed one of your black silk scarves, using it as a makeshift blindfold since his own was now tumbled between your bedsheets on the floor. You could smell your coconut and hibiscus body wash off him, the scent combining with the residual cologne on his clothes. An easy smile spread across that handsome face, his relaxed demeanor contrasting the state he was in when he first knocked on your door.

He’s your friend, you reminded yourself. What happens in the bedroom doesn’t mean anything…  

It shouldn’t mean anything.  

“Whatever you say, sensei ...” you chirped, burying your wayward thoughts. “Why don’t you grab those mats and I’ll bring these over to the table”

You assembled the two bowls, adding a little extra broth for Gojo because you knew he preferred it that way. Meanwhile, he had placed the two mats on the opposite side of the dining table, taking care not to disturb your work set up.

“Here you go,” you said, as you slid the bowl in front of him while he took his seat.

“Thank you!”

At first you both sat in silence, Gojo was responding to a few unanswered text messages but you were studying him with curious eyes, waiting for him to give you an explanation for his sudden visit.

“ Sooo, you want to tell me what that was all about?” you asked.

“That being?”

You waved your chopsticks in the direction of your bedroom, raising your brow before replying, “That being the sequence of events that just transpired…”

“ Stress relief ...” Gojo explained in between bites as he casually tucked his phone back into his pocket.

You thrummed your fingers against the warm bowl in your hands, fidgeting with the chopsticks in the other.  “Well, I’m glad I could help you unwind, I guess...”

He flashed you a wicked grin, “Me too, because I need a repeat of the show...”

“I can’t look at you when you say that,” you remarked, focusing your attention onto the noodles and growing shy at his comment.

“Am I embarrassing you?”

“A little…”

“I don’t understand why, that was fucking hot ...”

Your face burned, the heat radiating all the way to the back of your neck from his words. You cleared your throat as you rolled your eyes at him, desperately trying to brush off his statement in a cool manner. You could feel the knot in your stomach, the thoughts you were having crept back into your mind as you tried to hush them away.

You decided to shift the conversation away from the bedroom and back to Gojo instead. If he wasn’t so flustered by his own emotions, you might have accepted his excuse of needing to relieve stress but you knew there was more to the story.

“Did something happen at work?” you questioned.

Gojo chuckled to himself, “It’s funny how you won’t even acknowledge my compliment... ”

“Are you really going to make me pry a proper answer out of you?” you huffed, and he could hear your annoyance in your tone.

Gojo wished that he didn’t have to get into this particular part of the conversation with you, knowing full well how it was going to bring down the mood.

“No, nothing happened at work,” he said with a sigh, “I was with Rina. She asked me to stop by her shop…”

You knitted your brows in confusion, “That’s kind of random.”

Gojo nodded his head, “I thought so too. She initially told me that she wanted to get my opinion on some new items she was dropping for her menu. Turns out I was only there because she wanted to know how long you and I have been sleeping together for…”

You choked at his statement, his nonchalant words nearly going over your head.

Gojo kept eating, unphased by your reaction. “Need some water?”

“Y-yes…no, ugh, nevermind …she asked you how …”

“ How long you and I have been fucking… ” Gojo replied, flicking his index finger back between you both to fully clarify his statement.

The knot in your stomach cinched, a wave of nausea swirling in your gut as you placed your chopsticks down.

“How... how did she even find out? ” you whispered to yourself as you slumped against the back of your chair.

“She saw us at the park.”

“ Oh .”

You and Rina have both had your fair share of arguments before but sometimes when her emotions got the better of her, Rina’s outbursts often came with her sharp tongue. Over the years you had to explain to her that her words carried more weight than she thought, and in turn she became more conscious around you. However it suddenly dawned on you that Gojo might have been on the receiving end of Rina’s unfiltered anger.

You covered your face with your hands, groaning with frustration. “What did she say?”

“ Hmm ?”

“What did Rina say to you?”

Gojo shrugged his shoulders, “don’t worry about what she said to me. I know she didn’t mean anything by it...”

“But you were upset when you got here…”

“Let’s clarify something, Rina was upset because she was hurt. I was just annoyed by the situation. There’s a difference...”

You wished he would take your conversation a little more seriously and not brush it off with such ease but sighed knowing full well that Gojo wasn’t going to tell you what exactly happened which meant that Rina must have said something deliberately hurtful towards him.

“ I’m sorry… ”

“Why are you apologizing?”

You picked up your utensils, “For dragging you into this unnecessary drama I started. I should have just told Rina what was going on between us…”

Gojo paused after slurping a noodle, “well, why didn’t you tell her?”

“She’s been overprotective recently… ” you explained, not wanting to get into the details that the reason was purely based on your break up and how terrible you have been about getting over it. “I knew that if I told her about our arrangement she would analyze me to death over it and I didn’t want to deal with that…”

“Fair point,” Gojo acknowledged with a hum.

His short responses unsettled you, and you found yourself overcompensating to make up for it. “I’ll talk to her and smooth things over and I’ll make sure she apologizes for whatever it is that she said to you. She shouldn’t take her frustration out on you just because she was upset with me...”

Gojo nodded his head but you could clearly sense that he was not in the mood for any serious conversations right now. Taking himself out of this particular topic, Gojo quickly changed the subject after you made your last statement.

He kept the rest of the chat lighthearted, distracting your worries by telling you little anecdotes he had about his co-worker, Nanami. You suddenly found yourself giggling when Gojo revealed that he practically stalked Nanami for an entire day just so he could force the man to hang out him.

“I feel bad for the poor guy, you completely terrorize him,” you stated, clearing the table once you were both done eating.

You made your way over back to your kitchen where you rinsed off the bowls before placing it in the dishwasher. “You’re free to hang out if you want,” you offered, noticing Gojo get himself together as he was preparing to leave.

“I think I distracted you enough for tonight,” he replied.

You walked him to the door, following in line with his long strides. Just as he was about to reach the handle of your front door, he stopped before turning to face you.

“You don’t owe anyone an explanation about what is going on between us,” he stated, his voice low and serious.

You blinked a couple of times in surprise before parting your lips to respond, “I know I don't owe anyone an explanation but I know what Rina’s feeling and the only way I can see myself fixing this problem is by telling her everything. We never keep secrets from each other and I would probably be equally as hurt if she chose to hide something from me too... ”

Gojo pressed his lips together, navigating the words floating in his mind before reaching his hand out to touch your fingers.

“I get it but I just…”

“ Just ?...”

He exhaled, “I don’t want you overthinking anything between us, okay?”

“Don’t worry, even though we are terrible at sticking to our own rules, I am fully aware of where we both stand…”

You notice the relief wash over Gojo’s face as he slips his fingers away from your touch, “Good, because I like what we are doing.”

“I-I like it too…” you replied almost instantly, your heart racing at your own admittance.

The sorcerer left you a bundle of nerves when he said his goodbye. The knot in your stomach made its presence known, twining itself around your insides as you couldn’t escape this foreign emotion that seemed to have infiltrated your body.

*** 

CHAPTER 11 - FRIENDS

[vtforpedro]

health update, long post - TWs in tags

I haven't made an update in a while because I am exhausted. more exhausted than I can say head is still bad. working with the new neuro and just last week he gave me the diagnosis of IIH I've been waiting for a year to happen c': because he's smart and knows everything has been ruled out and when I explain it feels like a bowling ball is sitting on the bridge of my nose during episodes and that my ears feel full, I have visual disturbances, I'm having trouble with memory/information processing, my nose pops lol that I am describing a fuck ton of pressure in my skull so I didn't have to do the lumbar puncture. wish the US would get caught up with the UK because they advise against LPs because they're DANGEROUS and doctors can use those extra years of school to make big brain decisions anyway. we're doing this thing of going up on one med at a time and over three weeks to reduce side effects because I am so sensitive to meds. going up on the med that treats the nerve pain I get from my brain being swollen from PRESSURE and pressing against the giant nerve on the side of my head lol taken three times a day so going up on dose more each week to get to the desired dose then I'll take the ~magic~ drug that is the only one prescribed to treat IIH by reducing the amount of spinal fluid surrounding your brain. really REALLY terrifies me because tons of people have to get off of it because of bad side effects and I'm already so sensitive 😭 but we're starting at a really low dose, half the usual starting dose, and also doing a three week thing to get to the desired dose if it doesn't help, he'll refer me to an IIH specialist at our big neuro hospital (my insurance might not let me see them though so I may have to go elsewhere but I was thinking why haven't they done that in the past year when he said it 🙃) and also probably a migraine specialist things are moving forward with that at least in remission from leukemia for 10 months as of last month and will be 12 in the first week of december!! my hematologist moved our appts out every six months c: so that's good. I got really lucky with it. still probably stuck in my apartment for another year because people can't get their shit together to put an end to covid. blood cancers can not only cause severe illness/death (and my labs are still abnormal even if the leukemia isn't detectable) but it could cause it to come out of remission with a vengeance so. can't be around people had to fight my apt complex just yesterday not to send maintenance in to change the fucking lightbulbs because I can't have people (who are apparently not required to wear masks anymore!!!!) who have been in countless other apts come into mine ha ha ha whole host of new GI problems tho!!!! so that's been fun. can't find a reason for it either so I'm not sure what my GI is gonna. do about it. I've had the double scope procedure, multiple abdominal ultrasounds and CT scans and now a good amount of labs with nothing that explains why I get some severe pain and constipation. haven't been constipated this entire year cause of my diet and it just started one day despite no changes. really frustrating I had a pain about a week ago so bad I could barely walk. it was low enough that I don't know if it was GI or reproductive system but it's been not great with pain saw an OBGYN yesterday for a pap smear. kinda still concerned about le lady parts but she said everything looked fine at least probably gonna get off birth control after we see how I do on the IIH med so we can determine where side effects, if any, are coming from. she said I will likely see positive benefits and both her and neuro agreed it might help my migraines weight loss has kind of stopped. right at 40lbs too. it's been so frustrating and I've tried to change up the foods I'm eating but it's just not happening. I absolutely need to lose more weight for the IIH so idk what to do. can't exercise at all. can barely move around to go to appointments and I barely make it through all the stuff I have to do after we're thinking I may need a

shower chair soon. it'll help but it also sucks that I need one at all. makes me sad, especially for the next reason! I woke up this morning to see that disability denied my claim. even after everything I gave her. I was expecting this, but still hoping for good news because of *gestures broadly* all of this, plus my neuropsych and psych both diagnosing me with severe depression and ptsd lmao so I'm kind of. really fucking down right now it could take two years before I have a hearing with a judge after appealing. I can only hope the lawyer I spoke to in april sticks to his word and takes my case on my age is working against me but I've had a history of depression/anxiety since I was 10 and started to be treated then too anyway this is getting really long. I've had so many appointments already this month and it's exhausting. it's exhausting having to deal with doctors who are as shitty as ever and it's exhausting having to come home and do covid procedure/shower and it's exhausting having to be worried about getting covid from medical professionals who are not nearly as careful as they should be I can't count how many times they've asked me or suggested I take off my masks lol this phlebotomist tried to kill me last week (I may be exaggerating) and had to get help despite my excellent veins that even while dehydrated give quick/good blood and the guy she had to call in to help told me I could take off my masks b/c that helps him with anxiety attacks I got an 'anxiety attack' because not only did she keep moving the needle in my arm over and over and over again but she gripped it so hard it was causing me 10/10 pain I CAN STILL FEEL THE BRUISE but she kept doing it after I was telling her it hurt very badly so I got super woozy and had to lie down lmao and then she missed my vein in my hand. when I had one tiny tube left out of SEVEN. he got it instantly and quickly I'm tired of these people!!!!! I'm tired of shit luck and shitty medical professionals I'm tired tired tired of it had three appts with the psychologist and it didn't work out cause he was a man in the end. but I have an intake appointment with a therapist today to get an official therapist and I'm crossing my fingers. I need an actual trauma therapist and a woman who will not likely laugh and say we need to work on my 'taste in men' like they weren't the ones to choose to abuse me my father and brother the longest??????? so lol wonderful thing to say but w/e. men being men my neuro wants an mri done in late dec/early jan and while I'm extremely...... extreeeemely......... tired of medical imaging, it'll probably be my last one unless something goes very wrong for like six months I cannot tell y'all how tired I am of all of this. they hand out labs and imaging orders like candy to likely avoid malpractice without a care or thought to the patient's time and money depression is bad right now. I'm just tired of all of this ANYWAY! even longer now I had to get a pill case cause my memory is getting so awful I will forget if I took my medicine or not within minutes of the time I need to and it's about 50/50 I think so I am either missing or doubling doses and yeah. I feel old. but it's rainbow-colored at least 😂 hope you're all doing well and staying safe. crazy world we live in and I hope it calms down eventually as far as the plague goes love you all very much. thanks for being so supportive and thank you ahead of time for any replies. I'm terrible at getting back to you all when I shouldn't be. I lack the spoons sometimes