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sungnxxn · 25 days ago

Text

Mięso | Meat |

[sad!parksunghoon x fem!character]

Genre: Angst

Warnings: smoking, emotional detachment, profanities, mention of having a family, Sunghoon needs a hug AND therapy, self desctructive jokes, mention of diagnosis

Word Count: 1,7k (1722)

Actually wrote this based on the song 'Mięso' by Taco Hemingway, yet it does not necessarily fit but the vibe of the instrumental surely does sooo give it a listen if you want

!!! DO NOT REPOST NOR TRANSLATE WITHOUT PERMISSION !!!

It is not like he planned on going into that cafe. He had not. He just passed by and his feet led him there automatically. He really did not plan that. Within a minute he found himself sitting at the table that was near the big window. If you were a passerby you could see the whole cafe from the outside if you decided to take a look through that window. 'Cozy setting' he thought to himself. The single lightbulb casting a small light right onto his table. In the whole cafe there were like twenty more of them though.

And it hit him. 'Why am I even here?' furrowing his brows he took his keys and a pack of cigarettes out. Placing them onto the table he could not mind of letting a frustrated sigh and leaning into the chair while confusingly scanning the whole room he found himself in. Seeing all the people - weirdly happy people - chatting, smiling, gesturing with their hands, as if they were having any kind of oral exam and the teacher asked them suddenly a tricky question, made him oddly uncomfortable. Not to an extent where he could not hold it anymore. Just a normal kind, you could suppose at least.

Rolling his eyes he looked out of the window wondering how could somebody be still smiling when the weather could be compared to aboslutely dog shit. It has been cloudy and rainy all week and today seemed like the worst day. Suddenly single rain droplets appeared on the window. 'Just great.' Taking a cigarette and a lighter out of the box, Sunghoon sighed once again. He promised he would quit. Seemed like not today at least. Positioning the cause of his long term addiction between his lips, he took a look around the room once again. Pacing his eyes among the people, he made eye contact with a child. Literal child. Just a child. Somebodys pecious and favourite human being.

The youngster smiled at him, yet he could not care less and roll his eyes away. 'Don't look at me like that.' She used to joke about having a kid with his eyes. His hair and his last name. ''One hell of disaster would that be.'', he told her back then. He would never want to see another version of himself in this world.

Finally lighting the cigarette and taking a drag, he could not help but note that the taste changed. Oddly nothing. No satisfaction. No relief. No comfort. No nothing. Just a cigarette with weird light mint taste.

Fidgeting with the lighter in his left hand, his eyes paced around the room once again. He made eye contact with the child. Again. 'What's his problem?', annoyed that somebody was watching him, Sunghoon tore the eye contact once again. 'Obnoxious little shit.'

Could have been his obnoxious little shit. Yet he was not build for that life - nor was she. Not then, not now, not even in the future.

Licking his lips, he shook off the ashes out of the cigarette. Darting his eyes to the world outside of the cafe. He saw her. Blinking calmly he looked out again. It was her. Her. Her. Her. Her. Her.

Suddenly his head started to hurt and his stomach had an unsettling feeling at the bottom. Yet the time did not stop, nor did the world. Spinning just like before. Spinning just like his head one and half years ago. Just like that time when she told him she wants to leave. She needed to leave. Needed to leave to pursuit the love she deserved, not the one she was getting from him at that time.

She was laughing even though she was soaked in the rain from head to toe. Laughing with somebody else. Somebody that actually made her laugh. Somebody that she did not have to fake her laugh around. Somebody that seemed to make her better. They did. Somebody that is just the right amount of love, respect, understanding, happiness and the right amount of sad for her. She could not handle Sunghoon. Even when she tried, he was too emotionally draining. If he ever showed his emotions in the first place.

He knew that something was wrong with him back then as well that something is wrong with him now, yet he does not see the sense of fixing it. It will fix itself with time. It surely will. It has to.

Just within a moment seeing her made him feel empty. Nothing. He was not jealous. Heck, of what? Of finding somebody that treated her how she should have been treated? It wasn’t jealousy that coiled in his chest, but something colder — acknowledgment and pure understanding, happiness even. She deserves this. Hell, maybe he did too, in some other timeline where he hadn’t turned his back on her dreams of something bigger, brighter, warmer. And maybe if he hadn't turned his back on his own dreams and health too.

'Great to see her genuinely smile. Suits her.' he thought. He started to shake his head. She is over him. He is over her. They are over. And so are her dreams that included Sunghoon. Her dreams probably contain the person standing just right beside her. The person she's smiling to. The person she really loves.

Sunghoon could never give her what she wanted. Not in this timeline and not in any other. He was just too blind to see, too numb to feel and too hopeless to live. He does not know any of it now either, he is just existing. Yeah, existing is the right word.

The right amount of vowels and consonants. E X S I S T I N G. What a lovely word. If you are existing you are not obliged to commit to anything. Family relations, friends, love, life. You just don't care… about anything in particular.

Sunghoon did not care if he had food in the fridge. He did not care if he smoked or not, or if he even had anything to smoke at all. He did not care if tomorrow he will be kicked out of his apartment, if he even has somewhere to live.

He kinda wished he was in his grave already. Obviously he would not say that out loud - except for those unfunny jokes that whenever the topic were ropes or something similar, he would just say ''Yea, perfect noose for a head.'' Or if the topic would be high buildings, it was natural for him to say that he would just love to try to fly. Just for those goddamn science reasons. Right??

The truth is, he does not know why he suddenly started to feel or think like that. He turned 14 and poof, no reason to live available. It is safe to say that him not talking about any of his very concerning thoughts did not help for his character development.

But it is safe to say that he tried to change or fix whatever was wrong with him when she entered his life. He went to therapy, secretly but he did. Maybe that was one of the reasons for their break up, when she would accuse him of cheating when he did not tell her where he was going for one hour every three days. He did not want to tell her anything that he himself did not know. Or maybe he was just ashamed. Of not being normal. Of not being perfect. Of not being the right amount of love, respect, understanding, happiness and sadness.

Or maybe the real reason for their breakup was his later shortly diagnosed emotional detachment. Towards her, his family, friends, coworkers. He was cold. No empathy. He kept all his sadness and anger inside. He kept his opinions inside. He was very objective. Even when he should take sides. The side of his partner. He should have been emotionally available for her when she needed it. He wanted but he did not know how to be vulnerable. Well,, we will never know. (?)

He learned that showing your emotions was showing weakness. He certainly did not want to be seen as weak. He loved her even when he did not feel anything in his chest. The only emotion that he felt physically was fear. And that is how he thought every emotion should feel like. Physically. He did not have any physical pain when he was supposed to feel adoration for her. Back then he convinced himself that he was feeling something. He was hoping it would come with time. It had to come with time.

The only thing that came was fear. Fear of not being able to love her, fear of not being able to feel anything. Anxiety.

Shortly after their breakup, Sunghoon decided that his therapy was going nowhere and it did not help him. He checked out. Told his goodbyes to his therapist that saw that idea as bad. Right before he was about to exit the counselling room, his back then therapist told him his concerns. How he was near the diagnosis of emotional detachment, depression and self destruction. Sunghoon called them money-greedy afterwards and never came back.

He obviously thought of that 'near' diagnosis, and decided to only accept the first one. 'Pure bullshit of a dignosis, I'm not depressed nor self destructive, what the hell.' A lovely mindset of his admitting to only one.

He could not pinpoint when exactly he got startled by a waitress telling him that smoking in a cafe was not allowed. Apparently he stared out of the window for solid 3 minutes causing his cigarette to nearly burn out. And stating the obvious, the smoke and smell alarmed a waitress.

He blinked at the woman working in the cafe and out of the window once again. He did not see her anymore. She vanished into the crowd of people running away from the rain. Then again, he looked at his cigarette or more like ashes piled in a stick, if ever, shaking them off into the ashtray and immediatly putting out the rest of the remaining cigarette.

Suddenly Sunghoon stood on his feet while startling the waitress, hiding his box of cigarettes and keys into his pockets. He left the cafe without a word.

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