#survivorssharingsecrets

[mossfiretheatrecult-blog]

I don't care I don't care I don't care I don't care As long as your with me

[sudseygreen]

When I was nine something happened, I was unaware how deep it cut into me, but it burrowed its way inside and clung to the corner of my mind. After a year, it ended and I was clawing for any kind of reassurance that I could be forgiven by God. It didn't matter that I cried, it didn't matter that I begged them to leave me alone. I did it, I was guilty too. It made me feel both important and dirty. My dad wasn't around much, I was afraid of my mom and her bad temper that sometimes crossed a line. I was convinced shed hate me if she knew. It could be seen as "children experimenting," I knew that, but although it could be seen that way, I know it wasn't that. I remember them threatening me as I sobbed, I remember them forcing my mouth on them. Growing up was hard when you learned at a young age to accept bad behavior. I bowed to all who bullied me, too ashamed of my own past to defend myself. I made friends with girls who stole from me, manipulated me, used me. Even had a 3 year friendship where I experienced abuse. They'd hit me and call me names but I took it, at least its not sex. When I was 12, while spending the night with a friend, I woke up with my shirt raised. My friend and her friend both trying to force my pants off. I fought to keep my shorts on until they gave up. To skip ahead I experienced sexual harassment at work when I was 18 by a registered sex offender with a gang banger want-to-be persona. He was stalking me and cornering me, pressing me between him and a wall when he found me alone, despite my protest. I reported it but they didn't call the cops or anything. He was still showing up even after 3 months had past when he got fired. They finally threatened to call the cops. At 21 when experiencing being drunk for the first time twice in the same night two men at different times tried to take advantage of me but only managed to cop a field or shove my hand down their pants for two seconds. When on a blind date with some officer from a prison my mom set me up with, he tried to force me to perform oral sex on him. Not letting me pull away from his hands and he ended up pulling some of my hair out when fighting against him. Even after his attempt assault I continued to see him a few more times. That was almost 5 years ago. We now work together but we never talk. When I was seeing this guy I met from an online dating site, we hit it off. The first time we had sex I was definitely into it. There was the off putting moment right before though when he said,"you put it in, that's so you can't say I forced you." I chuckled, thought it was odd but didn't see it as a red flag. A week later, August 12, 2013, he came over to hang out. He didn't have a condom and I wasn't in the mood to make a 9 months plus 18 year mistake. We fooled around for sure. We both didn't have pants on and when he tried to put it in I told him no. But instead he pushed himself in and began thrusting. I didn't panic, this wasn't THAT, couldn't be. I pushed repeatedly at his chest and kept saying,"Stop. Get off. Stop. I'm saying no." He asked why but he continued to thrust. I just kept repeating my complaints and shoving his chest to get off. After a couple of minutes of this he said "Shut up! I'm going to finish!" That's when I pulled my hands away from his chested and looked at the ceiling. I felt cold. I imagined what it would look like watching what was happening from up there. I wondered what my face looked like. Do I look sad? Do I actually appear to be enjoying myself? Everything felt numb, my face didn't feel moving. My mouth felt set as stone as he finished. Or so I thought. He climbed off and sat down next to me. I curled up in a ball and said I was tired, hoping he'd leave. I kept my eyes closed for about 30 minutes but he never left. He went soft that's why he hadn't finished or left. When I pretended to wake back up he said he was glad because he was moments away from climbing back on top of me as I slept. I didn't protest. It was clear he meant what he said about "finishing." After his big finish I didn't speak, and he said to me it wasn't rape because I didn't fight him hard enough. I need to be fixed, my self preservation is no where to be found. I'm broken.

[mossfiretheatrecult-blog]

I'm just still feeling bad and sad and like life has become harder to keep living ever since one more light came out. I keep having triggering trauma dreams and I'm terrified to sleep. I feel like I haven't seen my partner in forever because we're both working our asses off to live and survive and ended up working opposite shifts, and we both get it but it sucks and it's made us both more depressed. My depression is coming back and I'm trying to fight it but sometimes it wins and I feel terrible, because I could have accomplished so much in a day but I can't express that or even with having a "good day" it can still be turned bad or ruined. Idk. I guess I'm just still dealing and struggling after what I did and how to keep living.

[mossfiretheatrecult-blog]

I hate constantly feeling undervalued and wanting to die.

[mossfiretheatrecult-blog]

I’m feeling very small now and of little significance

If this blip were omitted nothing would change

How do ants carry on knowing that one is nothing in the vast of the collective?

[mossfiretheatrecult-blog]

It's funny when

A movie that you watch (that you really really DIDNT want to watch) makes you realize that your scars don't define who you are but only show where you've been and how much you've learned

[mossfiretheatrecult-blog]

Note to self and others:

Taking a short run is a good and surprisingly effective alternative for when you feel overly stressed, anxious, or get down/triggered. 8/10 would recommend for people to try when they have to be strong and are looking for something to get their mind off of things.

[survivorssharingsecrets]

I get so angry when I hear prison rape jokes. Stop acting like that kind of violence is okay if it happens to drug addicts behind bars. No human being should have to endure such an evil thing and have it be used as a punchline. That shit is real and it happens to real people. It's equally as cruel as any other kind of rape joke. STOP LAUGHING AT PEOPLE'S SUFFERING.

Posted by Anonymous.

[survivorssharingsecrets]

I punched my abuser in the face today and I feel awful and like I'm just as bad as he is.

Posted by Anonymous.

[survivorssharingsecrets]

I'm tired of you making me feel like I'm worthless. I know it's bad but if you were to disappear out of my life I wouldn't care. I hate that being around you affects my personality and turns me into a bad person and someone I don't wanna be. As long as I don't end up like you, with you're ugly personality, that will be the greatest success of my life.

Posted by Anonymous.

[survivorssharingsecrets]

Someone told me yesterday that they think I'm strong for surviving everything I went through without turning to drugs or killing myself. They never noticed the scars on my wrist or the fact that I sometimes go days without eating if I'm not throwing it back up. Drugs aren't the only thing you can get addicted to. I might not have killed myself all at once but I'm doing it slowly. I'm not strong at all.

Posted by Anonymous.

[survivorssharingsecrets]

I never wanted to be like him. I was always afraid I would be like him, but part of me figured that as a woman, I couldn't be. I thought I was okay, I was wrong. It's hormone influenced, I can feel my moods changing all day. That doesn't excuse it though. I attacked my fiancé. I shoved him and when he hit the floor I straddled him and hit him repeatedly and to make it worse I verbally abused him. I'm scared. I feel remorse, I hate myself for doing that, but how can I stop it? I couldn't stop myself when I did it. I know what it feels like. I've had it done to me. How can I do that to somebody else? He wants to stand by me in this. He's begging me to let him. He never once fought back. He's such a good man. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve his love. I don't deserve his support. How can he still love me? I'm a monster. I don't want to be a monster. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I don't want to be around him. I don't want to hurt him again

Posted by Anonymous.

[survivorssharingsecrets]

I have read many posts here till now. It really makes me sick how people are suffering so much because of bastards in their life Sometimes I feel this world is a very bad place for gud ppl. I jus want to say stay strong. Good things will come ur way

Posted by Anonymous.

[survivorssharingsecrets]

We always say "my rapist" instead of "the rapist" when if somebody stole your possessions you probably wouldn't say "my burglar". There's an intimacy and a sickness in rape and assault and it binds us to our attackers as if we continue to belong to them. They take something from us and leave behind a cold, deep ache in parts of ourselves we didn't even know existed.

Posted by Anonymous.

[survivorssharingsecrets]

I knew that if I left her, she'd get worse. I'm a terrible person for doing that. I was selfish

Posted by Anonymous.

[survivorssharingsecrets]

My mother switched the locks on the door of the tiny downstairs room to lock my sister and I in. I was 8-9 and my sister was only a baby. She didn't want to deal with us, she had no job or anything she just hated us. We were locked in there from day until night without food and a place to use the bathroom. I would bang on the door for hours but nobody would come let me out. I brought it up to her recently and she denies it was abuse and continues to gaslight me about it. How could you do that?

Posted by Anonymous.