#sure my brain is probably lying to me but I’m not convinced rn

[salemsimss]

just me being mentally ill, will probs delete later

The borderline urge to just disappear off the face of the earth and go no contact with people cos it’s not like anyone will care anyway. I feel like I just annoy people by existing and I can’t help but feel like an intruder in everyone’s lives,, so why not just make everyone’s lives easier and fuck off lol

I really should be asleep cos it’s late and I’ll probably be woken up early for Christmas or whatever, but I just feel so fucking depressed

[mysticprofessoralienhumanoid]

A Daminette Penpal AU - Continuation

Continuation  of this post

@ab-unreachablevoice @startouchedqueen1318 @lovemidnighteclipse12 you asked, I deliver.

Now, I want all of you to know this AU was made in a spur of moment. I’m totally winging it rn.

So obviously before the akuma class goes to Gotham, the months of texting have to have passed.

For Damian, those months are hell, because not only does he have to hear Jon’s gushing about his awesome penpal, but he has to endure Lila’s lies and her stories that keep only getting more ridiculous as the time passes too.

And it better be fucking worth it, because you have no idea how close he’s to flying to Paris and finally putting his assassin’s skills into use.

I mean, look at this!

Lila: HI Damian!!!! ❤💖💕💋💞

Damian, cringing at his phone: Yes?

Lila: How r u????

Damian, who absolutely hates when someone types like that: Have been better

Lila: Would u like to maybe video chat???? I could tell u about my trip to Achu !!!!!

Damian, a little shit™: Did “u” know that using more than three (3) exclamation (!) and question (?) marks means “u” may have a personality disorder? Maybe that’d explain the amount of lies “u” like to spew so much.

(Oof-)

[Message read. This user is offline.]

I’m convinced that if Damian knew how to use gifs, he would 100% use a lot, and I mean a lot, of cat gifs (honestly, animal gifs in general).

Lila: Hi Dami!!!! (She doesn’t learn, okay.)

Damian: I hope you can understand the message.

She can.

Lila: Hi dami. Can I call u Dami???

Damian: No.

Lila: I had so much fun this weekend Dami!!!! I went to Brazil Turns out Chris Pratt is filming a new movie there. Anyway, he recognized me and we started  talking. His so much fun!!!!!! 🥰🤩😍😍🎉🎉

Damian: Fascinating. Please do not  tell  me more.

Damian: And it’s “he’s”, not “his”.

Heh.

Lila: Hiii Damiii

Damian: I literally hate you so much-

[Message not sent]

Lila: Dami????

Lila: ....

Lila: Um, Damian? U there????

[Message not read]

You have no idea how, much fun making these is-

Oh, and imagine, just imagine, if Lila told him about situation in Paris.

Lila: Sorry for texting you so late, damiboo. Got caught up in an akuma attack.

Damian, who by now is replying just to humor her (plus his father forced him): A what?

And then Lila starts explaining the situation in Paris. Of course, she adds a few stories about how she was akumas’ target or how she helped Chat Noir (weirdly she doesn’t talk much about Ladybug). It’s that one of really rare times she’s not lying (well, not that much). And how Damian reacts to it?

Damian, Done with Lies™: Do you ever stop lying? Because this, all of this, is absolutely and utterly ridiculous.

Cue Lila wishing she didn’t bullshit as much as she did Damian was just a little more gullible

Anyway.

I don’t know if you remember, but in the first part I said Damian ditched Lila for Marinette (but let’s be honest, wouldn’t we all?).

To clear things up, I kinda wanted the GA students to accompany their penpals throughout their time at school. It’d be nice, right?

So the scene is:

The principal has just announced that GA students have to keep company their penpals while they’re at the GA establishment. Lila’s feeling victorious, this is her chance to get her claws in Damian and his money- I mean, to get to know her lovely penpal. Yeah...

Lila, walking up to Damian, while trying to appear sexy and shy at the same time, and failing at both: So, shall we?

Damian, ostentatiously glancing at her before going to Marinette: Bye

Now, to spice things up, I decided imma get them caught up in a rouge attack/attacked by a rouge.

So somewhere a week in their stay, akuma class is held hostage by one of the Gotham’s criminals.

Because this is Gotham, y’all. You can’t be in Gotham and NOT get attacked some way or another. It’s impossible.

[Choose your villain. I have badass Marinette though, so we all know the winner here]

The moment it starts, Damian slips away and changes into Robin.

Meanwhile:

The class is screaming and panicking.

Lila is probably in the middle of a panic attack.

Marinette’s assessing the situation before striking.

The moment Robin arrives, he gets to witness Marinette, the sweet cinnamon roll Marinette, kicking ass and taking names. Adorable. He thinks he’s in love (and he so is).

Bats come. And they’re met with the dude dealt with and trembling in fear of a petite girl with pigtails, who’s standing next to him and a lovestruck Robin staring at said girl.

A sight to behold, truly.

Also, what if Damian accidentally texts Lila instead of Marinette after the attack? And Lila is so happy, because she thinks her plan’s finally working. But ohoho, does Damian have surprise for her.

Damian: Are you sure you’re okay? The attack was really dangerous, You’re sure you’re fine?

Lila, thinking ‘yes, fucking finally. Almost thought you have no feelings’ : Oh, it was so scary !!!!!! 😱😰😨😨😨 [just hella lot of emojis. She seems like that kind to me] I was absolutely terrified!!!! I’m just glad that it’s all over. After the attack Robin came up to check up on me. He even flirted with me, i think he likes me... Too bad I already like someone else 😘😘😘😘😘😘

Lila: But don’t worry, dami!!!! I’m a little shaken up, but overall okay.  But if you want to we can facetime so you can make sure I’m not injured ;*

Damian, having to physically restrain himself fro throwing his phone against the wall: ...

Damian: Fuck.

Damian: Wrong number.

Lila: ಠ_ಠ

---------

And of course I’m involving Twitter. Who do you think I am?

At first it was one of of his siblings who posted a post about how he’s seething at his phone, probably his penpal texted him something again.

But do you seriously thing Damian would pass such an amazing opportunity?

Haha.

No.

He immediately posts his follow up and it goes downhill from here. He adds shit ton of tweets about her, making Lila famous (and she doesn’t even know she is).

People don’t know whom to pity more; Damian, for having a horrible and lying penpal, or said penpal, for having an enemy in the Ice Prince of Gotham?

The hashtags #IcePrince’sPenpal #PenpalNightmare #MenaceOfAPenpal are created and are trending every day.

Many say it’s the most active he’s ever been.

---------

Lila is not stupid in this, okay? A pathological liar and a manipulator, yes, but for that you need brain and she has one. Much to Damian’s surprise. And yeah, sometimes she lets her imagination get the best of her, but she’s cautious enough and has proof to often back her up. 

She knows she screwed up. Her penpal doesn’t believe her and isn’t scared to call her out.

Due to him bluntly uncovering her lies, some of the classmates see through the blinds she’d put on their eyes and get suspicious of her.

If you have mercy on them, make them come to Marinette and apologize.

...

Yeah, I’m not doing that.

The class sticks to Lila’s version of every story and they don’t believe Damian is THE Damian Wayne, even when a fricking limousine drives up to the school and a butler comes out of it.

---------

Random notes and ideas that don’t really have any sense or anything tbh, but I had them so there you go

About the attack, obviously the school has to inform the parents, right? But, if you're salty enough, you can, oh i don't know, make bustier and/or Damocles not inform them thus creating even more problems for them in the near future. (Yes, i hate bustier and damocles with passion, they’re enablers and Damocles is a gold digger tbh)

*

One day the french class is at a random restaurant (I’m honestly tempted to put them in Red Robin just for my own entertainment) when the Wayne brothers come in. They recognize them and Lila sees the opportunity, so she goes up to them.

Lila: Hiii Damiii!!!! [Yes, I know this is a real life conversation]

Damian, just done with her: Ugh, not you again.

Tim just kinda glances at her and decides she’s not worth his time.

Jason: What the fuck do you have on your head?

Dick: Oh, Damian, is this your crush or the penpal you despise so much?

Damian: The latter. And i do not have a crush

Lila, who totally stopped listening after she heard “crush”: That’s me!!!!

[Silence]

Damian: Marinette’s over there. Let’s go.

Lila:  ;_;

Yeah, it sucks to be Lila.

[I thought I posted this a month ago. I didn’t. What the hell]

[danfanciesphil]

Bodyguard au rn miss 💋💋

hey anyone that wanted me to write the bodyguard au inspired by this picture of phil, here’s what i got for u xoxo

On Thursdays, their busiest nights, the club offers two for one drinks for anyone who gets there before twelve, meaning the line outside the door often snakes all the way down to the pier. It’s gotten warmer over the last month, so Phil no longer has to feel as guilty about the hoards of people shivering in their skimpy outfits for hours in the freezing seaside air, but it’s still not fun being the guy who has to make them all wait. Strict club rules though - no more than fifteen people to be let in at once, staggered in five minute intervals.

A few people are trying to engage Phil in chatter, but he remains stoic and silent, arms folded just below the stitching on his tight black t-shirt that reads ‘Try It Mate’. The people at the front of the queue, a girl in tattered tights and a birthday sash flanked by two equally bimbo-ish friends, are finding this t-shirt hilarious, and keep yelling this at him, as if they actually think he can’t hear them standing two feet away. He’s had a lot of practice at ignoring drunken screeching though, so he just stares at the roiling sea in the distance, fast-forwarding his brain a few hours, to when he can relax in his bed, eat leftover pizza and play some video game he could complete blindfolded.

Billy, the other bouncer working tonight, taps Phil discreetly on the arm - the signal that enough time has passed to let some more people in. With a quiet sigh, Phil turns and unhooks the rope separating him from the drunk girls, and inclines his head to let them through. As they stumble inside the door, flashing their passports and driver’s licences, Billy makes a disapproving face. Phil knows that some bouncers would label the girls as ‘TDTD’ (too drunk to dance), and not let them inside, but Phil can’t be bothered to go through that whole charade with them. They look the sort that would kick off, and hold up the queue even more. They’re straight, probably, out on a girls night for the sash-girl’s birthday, and fancy trying out a gay club just to be daring. It pisses Phil off, and if he were more like Billy, weathered by years of the job and willing to take no nonsense, he might be more inclined to refuse them entry.

But it’s too late now, they’re already inside, likely ordering prosecco at a bar that serves mostly jagerbombs and cheap imitation cosmos, then clambering up on the podiums with the professional dancers and drag queens to show off for their Instagram feed. Billy nudges him in the side, and Phil realises he’s still watching the entrance where the girls disappeared, and not focusing on the queue. He turns quickly to the next person - tall, skinny, dressed in a crop top that looks like it’s made for a doll, a thin, satin, pink and white bomber jacket, and a pair of denim shorts so tiny that they barely begin to cover the person’s ass. The highlight of the ensemble is the lilac wig that cascades in loose curls down to waist-level, complete with a thick fringe that hangs down over whoever’s eyes are hiding behind it.

Phil takes one look at this joker and has half a mind to turn them away without even speaking to them, but a skinny arm reaches up to offer an ID, so Phil sighs and takes it even though every one of his spidey-senses is tingling. It’s a green driver’s permit, not even a full license; the date printed would make the owner twenty-one. Phil gives the lanky figure in front of him another brief once-over - no way are they a day over eighteen, and that’s pushing it. His eyes flick to the name: Daniel James Howell. There’s a photo too of course, of an attractive, far more masculine-presenting, clean-cut young adult with a slight side-fringe. The lilac-haired beauty in front of Phil does not, in his opinion, match this general look. Still, he supposes it’s his job to make sure.

“What’s your name?” Phil asks, starting off easy so he doesn’t humiliate the kid.

“I guess you could call me Dan, most of the time,” lilac-hair says in an unexpectedly sure, confident voice; Phil can’t be sure whether the tremor he can hear is in from cold or from their nerves about being caught.  

“Don’t sound very sure about that.”

They get a lot of this kind of thing. Young, nervous gay guys - it’s mostly guys - sneaking out to come for their first gay club experience, usually dressed up in their mum or sister’s clothes, disguised but still scared shitless that someone will clock them and they’ll be forced prematurely out of the closet. This kid is likely still in school, desperate to find a place he can be himself - unfortunately, the law is the law, and he’ll just have to come back when he’s old enough to have a real ID.

“Think I don’t know my own name?” the kid asks. “Listen, from nine to five, my name’s Dan Howell. But I’m not going by Dan tonight, get me?”

The irritation in this person’s voice makes Phil pause. Normally, a bad attitude like this would be enough of a deterrent that they’d risk getting turned away, but if anything, on lilac-hair the attitude is just confusing. What does he have to be irritated about? He’s got no gaggle of friends with him, nor does he appear to be in a hurry. Phil’s just trying to do his job - if this person is underage, they must’ve known this might happen.

He studies the ID again, noting that for a fake it’s very convincing. He turns to flash the small green card at Billy, who frowns at it, then shrugs in a ‘looks real to me’ way. Phil’s gaze drifts back to lilac-hair and asks, “what’s your star sign?”

A tiny smile spreads over thin, glossed pink lips. “Is that the best you can come up with?”

Absurdly, Phil feels himself grow warm with embarrassment. It makes no sense - he’s been flirted with hundreds of times working here and it’s never so much as rattled him before. He shrugs it off, trying to appear unamused. “I’m not flirting with you, I’m trying to see if you’re fucking about with me. Might wanna play along, sunshine.”

The pink lips part to let out a sigh of frustration. “I’m a gemini. Wanna know my bra size too?”

The dates on the ID work; Phil long ago learned the correct dates for the star signs for this exact reason. He ignores the snarky follow up question, which is good of him. “Can you lift your wig, please?”

Lilac-hair hesitates, then flicks the long locks falling by their ears back over each shoulder, revealing a lot of pale skin and sharp, jutting collarbones. Phil averts his eyes quickly - if this person is underage, he can’t be staring inappropriately. Not that he should be doing that with any customers that are legal either.

“Not like that,” Phil says, brusquely, “I can’t see your eyes.”

Lilac-hair lifts their head, chin jutting out, and behind the unbrushed lilac strands, Phil can almost make out two dark, almond-shaped eyes staring back at him. Phil can’t help an amused smile forcing its way out, born from the kid’s stubborn defiance. This person is not about to let Phil off easily, if they are lying about their age.

So, mostly to speed things along, Phil reaches out a hand - very much without thinking - and pushes the purple fringe back. The kid’s eyes are round and startled, which is fair enough, as Phil hadn’t even known he was going to make such a bold move until he’d already done it. This is far from protocol, probably, touching the customers unless they’re being belligerent and require forcible removal. But he’s too far in now, holding the handful of acrylic hair out of this person’s face. And yep, it’s at once completely obvious that he is, in fact, the same person as the man in the ID photo - no question about it.

The ID is, apparently, real. Lilac hair is twenty-one years of age, and Phil’s just got to accept it. Not a kid at all. He releases the fringe, and lilac-hair blinks as it falls back into their eyes.

“Satisfied?” Lilac hair huffs, straightening the fringe with their fingers.

“In you go,” is all Phil replies, a little gruffly because he knows he’d been wrong to prematurely assume this person was trying to break the law from appearance alone. He hates that his own prejudice can sometimes leak through when assessing people in this job, though he tries his hardest to be totally impartial. He hands ‘Dan’ their ID back and lets them through the rope. Lilac-hair takes their time about going through, pulling the wig back around his shoulders, then swaying their hips as they swan by. Despite knowing he shouldn’t, Phil’s eyes fall to the curve of  lilac’s ass, peeking through the hotpants as they head to the door. Phil never wears wigs, but he sees a lot of people in them working here, and long ago learned the difference between a cheap ‘party city’ wig, and an expensive one. The one lilac is wearing is definitely on the cheaper end of the scale, but it’s gorgeous in its tackiness, like the person inside it knows that the pastel colour is exactly their shade. The plastic hair falls in a great tumble down a tapered back, bouncing just above the waistband of those tiny shorts. The sight is unforgettable, Phil can already feel it burning into his retinas, to be replayed in the dark, when he’s alone.

Billy clears his throat then, breaking Phil out of his trance. He rips his eyes away, sheepishly, turning to Billy. “Not a good idea to put your hands on ‘em,” Billy reminds him in his low, rough voice. “Some of ‘em get shirty about it.”

Phil nods, glad of the darkness hiding his flush, and turns to the next set of people in the queue.

*

At around half one, Phil signals to Billy that he needs to take a piss. The queue is long gone by now, and they’ve moved into the second half of their shift, which is watching the smoking area for people trying to do drugs, and kicking people to the kerb if they get too drunk. There haven’t been too many of either instances this evening, so Phil feels pretty safe about leaving Billy alone for five minutes. He heads inside, scooting behind the bar to get across to the toilets so that he doesn’t have to barge through the crowds on the dancefloor. The bartenders all nod at him as he passes, some exchanging harried looks with him because it’s rammed in here, and they all spent the first few hours of the night making two of every drinks order.

In the unisex bathroom, Phil pees quickly then washes his hands; he notices a few people scarpering from cubicles at the sight of him, but doesn’t bother try and catch them. They’re either doing drugs or having sex, and either one is moronic to do in a bathroom stall if you ask him. He does do a quick scout of the cubicles before he leaves, knocking on doors and saying stern things in the hopes of scaring them into sense for a bit.

It’ll only work for a while - once they know he’s out of sight they’ll be back at it again, but there’s not much he can do about it. They check likely suspects for pills and powders on the way in, and confiscate a fair amount, but Phil’s not dumb and knows there’s a hundred ways they could be hiding it.

It’s as he gets to the bar again that Phil notices the swirling lights washing over a familiar waterfall of lilac, in front of the bar waiting to be served. There’s a guy next to lilac hair, obnoxiously crowding them in a way that Phil is all too familiar with. The guy has a wifebeater on with the word ‘woof’ scrawled across the chest. He’s also wearing a snapback indoors. Both of these are major red flags for Phil, who has seen and kicked out a lot of classic douchebags in his time.

He pauses, waiting to see the scene unfold. The bartenders are swamped with orders from the hoard of people crammed up against the bar - lilac has been pushed right to the edge with woof-man. Unless he’s willing to give up his place in the makeshift queue, he won’t be able to escape unwanted advances. Phil waits, certain that woof is seconds away from making his pig-headed move. He doesn’t have to wait long.

Woof-man leans in and whispers something into the folds of the lilac wig. Whatever is said makes lilac recoil in disgust. To stop him moving away, woof-man reaches out and grabs lilac-hair by the outer hip, his meaty hand cupping the whole of his right ass-cheek, then tugs him in sharply. Already Phil is moving towards them at the sight of this, and that’s when woof-man squeezes his fistful of flesh, apparently quite hard, because in the next second, lilac is calmly reaching between two people to grab a leftover beer on the bar, and promptly upending it over woof’s head. The guy roars, half-drowned by the loud music, but audible enough that the near vicinity of people turn to see. Woof pulls off his snapback and shakes it out, furious; lilac flinches as the droplets of beer spray at him, but doesn’t try to run away. Phil reaches them then, alarm pumping through him to the beat of a Tove Lo song, and promptly inserts himself between the two, his back to lilac, one hand on woof’s chest.

“Oi, that’s enough,” Phil barks in his usual ‘bouncer voice’.

“It’s him not me!” Woof insists, as Phil knew he would. “That little fucker chucked a beer on me!”

“Out of nowhere, was it?” Phil’s already done with this dickhead. “I saw you grab ‘em, so don’t even try it. Far as I’m concerned, you deserve the beer bath.”

Woof’s face flushes red in fury. “Oh, get lost, you wanker. Look at ‘im. Boys don’t dress like that to be treated like Royalty, mate. He fuckin’ wants it.”

A white hot, blinding rage pierces Phil right through the chest. Something primal awakens in him, picturing lilac’s sweet, pretty features as he lifted the fringe from their eyes. “Right,” Phil growls through clenched teeth, “out.”

“What?!” Woof is practically frothing at the mouth. “You can’t do that!”

“I bloody well can mate,” Phil says; he’s hoping that woof will listen to him, as he’s seconds away from throwing a punch, “I’m the bouncer. Out. We don’t want your sort in here.”

The guy scoffs, squaring up, but he’s wobbly, obviously tipsy, and Phil just has to take one sombre, utterly unfazed step towards him, shoulders drawn up to elevate their height difference, and the guy sinks backwards. Phil loves watching the recalculating whirr of their slowly ticking, moronic brains.

“Whatever,” the guy spits, sending a dirty look over Phil’s shoulder, “this place is shite anyway.”

Thankfully, he turns, stalking away, and Phil watches long enough to make sure he heads for the door. Once he’s out of sight, Phil turns, somewhat unsurely, back to lilac, who is staring at Phil, the fringe parted into two curtains that split in curves across a smooth forehead. It’s nice to see those eyes again; they shouldn’t be hidden, Phil thinks..

“Thanks,” lilac says. “But I could’ve handled it.”

“No trouble,” Phil replies, chuckling at lilac’s continued defiance, “‘s what I’m here for. You ok?”

Lilac nods contemplatively, those brown eyes flicking over Phil’s face, head tilted. He’s wearing makeup, Phil notices. Something sparkly wiped across his eyelids and cheeks. Pink lipgloss. Maybe mascara too. Phil feels a curl of something he hasn’t felt for a long time, twisting and writhing like a worm in his gut. He squashes it down, embarrassed by his attraction to such an obvious display of faux-feminine allure. Such a cliche, lusting after the pretty boys, or not-boys perhaps, considering what ‘Dan’ had said outside.

“Bet you get that problem a lot,” Phil says, not thinking. He only realises how much like a come-on it sounds when it’s too late.

Lilac’s eyebrow quirks, and the corner of his mouth twitches up in a surprised smile. “You sure you’re not flirting with me?”

The blush whips into Phil’s cheeks so fast it nearly unstables him. He’s suddenly very aware of the intense effect this person seems to be having on him, just due to their proximity. Sure, beneath the overpowering performance of that wig lies an extraordinarily pretty human, but Phil daily encounters lots of beautiful people in this job. Gay club patrons tend to go ham on the glitz and glamour.

It’s just something about lilac, in their skimpy clothes that look like they were stitched out of a teenage girl’s bedroom curtains, and the cheap synthetic that somehow transforms the outfit into something bewitching. The makeup is done imperfectly, the sparkly blue varnish on their nails is  half bitten off. But there’s no denying the effect lilac has, and seems to know they have, judging by the flirtatious smile being aimed his way.

“Of course not,” Phil says anyway, bristling. He averts his eyes; lilac’s stare is lasering right through him. “I work here.”

“Me too,” lilac replies, one bony shoulder shrugging up. Fingers come up to tuck a strand of wig behind an ear, revealing a glinting diamond stud, big and gaudy, in one lobe. “As of about ten minutes ago.”

Phil’s half sure he’s misheard, perhaps due to dizzying effect this person seems to be having on him, as if lilac’s fingers are plucking at every thread stitching him together, unravelling him bit by bit.

“What?”

“They’ve taken me on. Probationary only for now, but I’ll convince them soon enough,” lilac says, then finally catches the eye of Melissa, their head bartender. Lilac mouths ‘sambucca’ at her, then holds up two fingers; she nods, glancing at Phil as if to say ‘did you really let this child in through the front door?’.  “I do drag,” lilac says, teeth and tongue teasing out the word. “Or a kind of drag, I guess.”

“Oh,” Phil says, dumbed. He’s not sure what a ‘kind of’ drag could mean, but there’s no doubt that it’s an intriguing thought. “Right.”

Under normal circumstances, Phil would find it more than suspicious that anyone in a cheap wig and very basic outfit, someone barely manage to squeeze past the bouncers in here tonight due to their youthful appearance, could have somehow secured a highly coveted spot amongst some of the best drag acts in Brighton. This club is known for its regular, popular drag performances, happening on Fridays and Saturdays. Phil hadn’t even known the manager was looking for new talent - usually they hold auditions and have a long selection process, so the idea that someone would be able to walk in off the street and find work is almost unfathomable.

But these circumstances aren’t normal. Lilac is not just another drag act, Phil can sense it. If they’re able to hypnotise Phil, snatch him up body and soul with just a flutter of lashes and a few coy smiles, it’s almost terrifying to think what lilac could do to a whole room of people.

“I’m very good,” lilac says then around a knowing smile, so confident that Phil just nods in total acceptance.

Melissa pushes two shot glasses across the bar towards them, then shouts that it’ll be six pounds. Lilac starts digging into some non-existent pocket in those shorts; to stop himself staring, Phil cups a hand around his mouth and shouts to Melissa, “put it on my tab.”

Lilac’s eyes flick up to him through a haze of pastel. “Thanks,” is the response, before they pick up the shots and down both of them one after the other. Phil blinks, chastened. Of course he wasn’t certain that this jewel of a person was attempting to by him a drink, especially as they know Phil is working, but even so… it had sort of looked that way for a minute. Lilac flicks their lashes about, bored, then lands a chocolate gaze back on Phil. “Guess I’ll see you around, then.”

Lilac pushes off the bar, already headed into the midst of the throng. The sight of the lilac covered back retreating is almost unbearable. Phil’s arm shoots out before he can stop it, catching lilac’s arm. Lilac snatches it away quickly, probably way too used to being grabbed at, and Phil feels slimy, holds his hands up in a show of surrender. Lilac has turned on the spot, is staring at him expectantly, warily.

There’s no in point in asking Phil why he’d felt the urge to halt this person’s exit, because he has no idea. He just needed one last, proper, good look at those beautiful, beguiling features before he had to bid farewell for an indefinite amount of time.

“Well?” lilac asks, though because of the music, Phil can only tell what they’d said by how those pink lips shaped the word.

“What’s your name?” Phil asks, for lack of anything better. Anything to prolong the inevitable parting of ways. “Your drag name,” Phil clarifies, hoping it’s the right question.

It seems to make lilac smile, if only slightly. They shift their weight onto one foot, hip jutting out to the side. A gauze of blue passes diagonally over their face, highlighting the gleam in their eyes.

“O-livia Truth,” he says slowly, enunciating each syllable. “I start on Friday. Blow me a kiss from the crowd.” Then, with a spin on a pink stiletto, they’re gone.

[tellywoodtrash]

khkt 23.08.19 lb

tulsi ne dr. sippy ke hyperbole ko kuch zyaada hi seriously le liya.

is he..... is he fucking calling raima again?????? rohit, i swear to god........

Overly Stereotypical Bengali Mom is disappointed to learn that coma patients can twitch their limbs and move without any improvement in brain function.

...... and now they’re gonna take raima to chandigarh for god-knows-what-reason. whatever, i really don’t care at this point.

lolololol.

wow, veena won over suman rastogi????????? not that veena isn’t that charming, but suman is... well, y’know.....

oh. she gave her a diamond/ruby set and a blingy watch. no wonder.

vimmi, you need to get a grip. how you gonna handle when she comes and lives with you, huh???

veena on a mera raja beta gunn-gaan spree. itnaaaaaa bhi great nahi hai, hmph.

uh idk what the hell aspect of raima's rohit is missing, auntyji, but like..... you should probably send him to professional therapy to figure it all out.

wow, veena is a hell of a wingwoman. kaash meri mummy bhi mere liye aise achche prospective boo-thangs ko propose karti. nope, all she cares is about getting a high score in QuizUp. pft. 

sona is making ‘oh shit oh shit oh shit’ face.

idk if mummy hasn't seen through rohit's bs, or she knows that he's bluffing but is running with the lie to ensure she hooks, books, and cooks sona as sippy bahu, figuring the two will eventually fall in love anyway (coz she sees the sparks. just like ajit and nethra have.)

"usse sambhaalo"??????? excuse me ma'am, and why exactly should she do all this emotional labour for a grownass man who has roughly the same EQ as my cat?

yup. suman still an asshole. sona's bagaavat has added to the animosity she has against rohit. 

lo aa gaya mera chutku. achchi khaasi daant khaane waala hai, bechaara.

.... marketing ka in-charge hai ya security ka? why would you need to know ppl’s coming and going in marketing???

"yeh batao, sonakshi ne kya kaha?"

“thappad maarunga ek!!!!” trollolololololol.

lol ajit making things worse with this apology, rubbing it in that rohit's in big shit with the fam.

"ek aur idea hai......" pfffffffffffffft

this family is flipping mad. kal hi he was lying drunk on the road for one girl, and today they have a line of alternatives ready for him to marry. matlab hadh hi hai.

lmao ajit's enthusiasm for komal balwani, in case sonakshi doesn't work out. ajit ko badi bhaabi chahiye, basssss.

lo there's some canayda waale motwanis also.

rohit, where's all that energy you have to fight with sona disappeared to now hein? can't you tell your family to give you space, like a grownass adult????

yeah, i’m like 73% sure that they fully know he's lying and are forcing him to act on it, taaki kuch toh distraction ho raima se.

idk why they show this light waala trope for bechaini still. no one does this shit anymore. we all have phones to scroll through, ffs.

LMAO SHE WAS READING HER BOOK UPSIDE DOWN. SIS, HONESTLY.

haaaaaaaye, i am enjoying him in pacifying boyfriend mode even before the relationship has begun. bestttttt.

i, too, in any moment of crisis or when having feelings i don't want to deal with, go the fuck to sleep. best avoidance technique hai.

blah blah tanya-badi mumma-teejri explanation scene. nahi chahiye.

lol nishi, doesn't want to talk about her saas, just wants +1s for her mehendi.

yk and nishi are honestly very cute. i hope they work out this pooja waala issue soon, coz they're the most normal married couple here.

no you asshole men don't get any credit. fuck off. poore saal ka emotional atyachaar is ek din ke fasting se dhulwa nahi sakte, hatttt.

lol idk if it's intentional, but it does seem highly coincidental that YHM is having this exact same track happening rn.

pls god let sumit's replacement be really hot. that’s all i ask of you.

run sona run. make him beg!!!!!!!!

ugh these two, idgaf.

oh god THESE two, even less fucks to give.

haaaaaaaaaaa, nethra calling out rohit's dumbass plan. love it.

ouff nethra, i was just about to praise you for being sensible and on sona's side for this, and now you're implying she should play along with rohit. come the fuck on.

arre waah sona ko bhi kewalramanis' ke yahaan appearance karna hai.

rohit is hounding this poor man. dude, what's your deal these days, har waqt you have to be stalking about one woman or the other or what?

lol @ nethra yelling out the address sona is at zor zor se, taaki even a particularly dumbass dr. surgeon can get the hint.

adorable idiot.

ouff, kuch zyaada hi coordiantion.

nishi is some kinda card champ it seems. a woman of limitless talents!

oh god naach gaana. and ofc sindhis hain toh duma dum mast qalandar.

isn't this bhavya's kurta?????? ouff shirali, ffs stop recycling those ib clothes already.

oh god sona ko bhi ghaseet liya. fwd fwd fwd, other than to take caps.  

lol nishi trying her damned best to convince bhabi to go for komal balwani. points to her for tenacity.

lo pohunch gaya.

the fact that it didn't go into slo-mo as he watched her dance proves abhi tak pakka waala pyaar nahi hua hai.

"meriiiiiiiiii family yahan kya kar rahi hai???? chup jaata hoon." lololol idiot.

sona ka fan club chodo, idhar rohit ka bhi fanclub hai.

tanya/nishi/yk blah blah, don't care.

ouff is all of today's ep just this randomass filler nonsense?

apparently so.

———————————————————————

dheent hai ki maan hi nahi raha.

aslkjflsdkfjlsdjfsldk.

oh god please don't anyone catch them getting out the ladies room together warna sach mein pakad ke kal hi karwa denge shaadi.

[lgbtyrus]

TJ’s Playlist Chapter 6

Story Summary: When Cyrus finds a playlist on TJ’s desktop full of old love songs, he realizes that TJ has never been a scary basketball guy but rather a huge sap. TJ just wished Cyrus could realize that all of those songs remind him of a certain boy who likes chocolate chocolate chip muffins without telling him directly.

With insecurities and fears almost set in stone, it’s hard for TJ to admit that he has a heart aching crush on Cyrus who is trying to avoid just that. Of course, it doesn’t seem like both of them are trying to get over each other when they’re always together.

Ao3 Link | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Words: 4252

Warning: angst, they cuss now

Cyrus found himself still lying awake in his dark room. His blanket had been thrown to the side, and he was sweating. He made his way to his restroom, and when he was washing his hands, he looked up at his mirror. He looked exhausted. He had told TJ goodnight and his intentions were to fall asleep right away like he had for the last few years. It was a gift Andi and Buffy always told him that they envied.

Only he couldn’t.

He kept thinking about his conversation with Buffy and wondered if there was anything that they had done that made her ask that question. What had put the idea in her head?

The only thing that drove him crazier was that he couldn’t get the idea out of his head. When had put the polaroid of him and TJ in his journal, he doodled a heart on the side without thinking. He quickly turned it into a shaded in circle and shut his journal.

He didn’t want to like TJ. He couldn’t like TJ. He didn’t want to be feeling all those butterflies and how his cheeks managed to feel hotter around him even though it was already 90 degrees outside. TJ was the human version of the sun to him, and it was getting harder to look at him. Cyrus couldn’t help but notice the few freckles that dotted his nose. Green was becoming a prettier color to him, and he didn’t want to know if it was because that was the color of TJ’s eyes. Their height difference was becoming a lot more noticeable to him, too. Thinking about their height difference killed him. It was when he wondered if he’d have to stand on his tippy toes to kiss him.

He would do absolutely anything to stop thinking about TJ.

Only it was getting harder.

It was kind of starting to hurt, too. It was the same longing he felt in his chest when he saw Jonah. His obstacle from being with Jonah was Andi and the probable fact that Jonah didn’t like boys. His obstacle with being TJ was simply that he didn’t like boys- making it easier to lose their friendship. If Jonah had found out, he was probably going to say “oh sorry” and then proceed to still be friends with him because of the Good Hair Crew.

If TJ found out, Cyrus had already built 22 different scenarios of it going horribly wrong. Only one of them included a “Sorry, Cyrus. I don’t like guys. But let’s still be friends.” Only, they didn’t ever speak again after that. Cyrus felt like he was driving himself mad thinking of it.

Cyrus made his way back into his room and threw himself at his bed. He hadn’t checked the time in a while, so he unplugged his phone from the charger on his bedside table. He let out a sigh as he realized it was 2:02AM. He felt curse. He had never stayed up for no reason, not even when he liked Iris or Jonah. If anything, he wanted to go to sleep to avoid the fact that he didn’t like kissing Iris as cool as she was. He wanted to fall asleep so that he could dream of another world where Jonah liked him.

But now all he could do is stay away and live in the world where TJ Kippen didn’t like him.

Cyrus shut his eyes once more, his phone gripped in his hand. He tried to fall asleep, and he knew it wasn't working. He slightly picked his head up and slammed it back down repeatedly on his pillow, hoping it'd be enough to take him out. It didn't work.

He began thinking about TJ again as he gave up and lay there. He thought about how he was actually putting in a lot more effort into his math. It made him smile.

Then he remembered.

Cyrus: Hey TJ r u awake?

In less than a minute, there was a response on his phone.

TJ: Yes but u shouldnt be

Cyrus: i can't sleep

TJ: why not?

Because of you!

Cyrus: honestly im not sure. i just have a lot of things running through my mind

You.

TJ: Do you want to talk about it?

Cyrus: I don't think so. I don't even know y i texted u in the first place tbh. sorry

TJ: youre good. i dont fall asleep until like 4am

Cyrus: oh man thats too late kgfdjgfdg

TJ: lmao i didnt think youd ever fall asleep past 10

Cyrus: i never do. i have a strict need for at least 7 hrs of sleep or ill die

TJ: looks like ur gonna die

Cyrus: please release a white dove at my funeral. make it two so it won't be lonely. Im being honest rn. im chugging a gallon of coffee tomorrow i swear. how do u do it everyday

TJ: I don't have a choice most of the time lmao. i just deal with it and let it slowly try to kill me

Cyrus: so u havent died bc you're a vampire?

TJ: u can say that. Hey can I call you instead? Im lazy

Cyrus: ye

“No,” Cyrus groaned. Hearing his voice was going to make everything feel worse. His phone started buzzing and he quickly answered it. He had never been happier about having soundproof walls. He didn’t want his parents asking what he was doing up so late talking to TJ.

“Hey,” TJ mumbled. Cyrus thought his sleepy voice was going to knock him out cold right then and right there.

“Hey, vampire,” Cyrus teased, making TJ chuckled in response.

“You sound awfully happy.”

“I’d be happier if I was asleep but I guess a late night conversation with my good pal TJ won’t kill me.”

“I’m starting to wonder if you really made up with Buffy,” TJ hummed. His voice was groggy yet Cyrus ate up every single one of his words. This was definitely a bad decision. “Did you?”

“I did,” Cyrus sighed. He was starting to wonder if he should tell him the real reason he couldn’t sleep. No. Then I’d have to tell him the idea of us liking each other is keeping me awake. But…. I don’t like him so it wouldn’t matter would it?

“We’re all cool right? I was wondering if she wanted to get her girl team to practice with mine.”

Cyrus grinned, “That’s actually be great. You should talk to her about it. I swear she’s not angry.”

“Why was she acting up with you then?”

“Stupid reasons. She admitted it herself. She’s scared of… something.”

“Buffy? Scared?” TJ scoffed. “Of what? Her reflection?” TJ paused and then said, “Sorry, that was mean.” Cyrus ended up laughing.

“No, it’s fine. She’s more worried you can say.”

“Of what?”

Of us falling in love, getting married, adopting kids, and living next door to her.

“Of us getting closer I guess.”

“So, she’s jealous?” TJ asked. Cyrus stopped himself for a moment. He hadn’t thought about it that way. He did make it clear he’d never pick anyone over her and Andi, though. He wouldn’t.

“Well we cleared it up, so I don’t think so.”

“Did she,” TJ hummed for a moment, “say anything else?” Cyrus raised an eyebrow. Did TJ know something else?

“Why are you asking?”

“Um…. Just curious.”

“You sure?”

“Well,” TJ added hesitantly. “I don’t know. I guess Amber and Buffy talked.”

“Buffy and Amber? Like my Buffy?”

“No, Buffy Summers. Yes, your Buffy,” TJ chuckled. “I guess that Amber showed her that photo where we both fell asleep and um,” TJ’s voice got lower, “I think that’s why she started acting up. Acting up is the right phrase to use but it’s 2AM. Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Cyrus barely managed to say. His heart was beating fast and he was filling up with dread. Did TJ know exactly what Buffy was thinking?

“But did she say anything weird?” TJ asked again. Cyrus realized there were only 22 ways this could go wrong, and then chances of triggering one wasn’t that high. He was also half asleep and his “fuck it” senses were quite activated.

“By weird do you mean her asking me a million times about the idea of us dating?” Cyrus quickly spit out, hoping TJ might miss the word ‘dating’. There was a moment of complete silence for almost twenty seconds. Cyrus palms were feeling sweaty, so he put his phone on speaker and lay it on the pillow next to him.

“Yeah, that,” TJ finally said. “I think it was because of Amber, to be honest.”

“I mean everything makes sense, now,” Cyrus replied. “I was getting worried about some dumb stuff. I think that’s why I couldn’t sleep.” He felt a lot more relieved. So he and TJ hasn’t done something that made it seem like they had “more than friends” intentions. It was just a conversation between Buffy and Amber that sparked something in Buffy.

“So you do know why you can’t sleep,” TJ told him, discarding the dating topic.

“Well, kind of. I mean Buffy and I actually fought over this. We never fight.”

“Just because her and Amber conspired that we liked each other?” TJ scoffed. “They do know that will never happen right?” Those words seemed to chew right through Cyrus’ heart strings.

“Yeah… yeah,” Cyrus cleared his throat. “I mean we fixed it. She realized she was being dumb. She admitted it, too.”

“Did she apologize?”

“No. I don’t expect her to. It’s Buffy.”

“It’s Buffy isn’t a good excuse, Underdog. If I drain the blood out of a kindergartner, nobody is going to say, ‘Well, it’s just TJ.’ Are they?”

“One, they’re totally different. Two, one of them is completely unrealistic.” He wished TJ wasn’t so blunt sometimes. It made him come face to face with the feelings and thoughts he always shoved in the back of his head.

“Buffy apologizing every once in a while shouldn’t be unrealistic.”

“Well,” Cyrus sighed. “I don’t feel like she owes me an apology, okay?”

“If you’re comfortable with lying to yourself, sure.”

“I’m so comfortable with lying to myself, I’d convince myself that I love myself.”

“Self-deprecating humor, huh. Nice”

“Thanks. It’s a specialty. My brain is full of it.”

“That’s nice. My brain is full of useless facts.”

“Like what?”

“Like a cat named Stubbs was the mayor of Alaska from 1997 until his death.

“TJ, I know I don’t cuss, but literally. What the fuck,” Cyrus softly chuckled, causing TJ to erupt with laughter. Cyrus rarely heard TJ laugh like this, but it was music to his ears. He really did hate the way TJ made him feel like he was floating on the clouds. He was starting to get sleepy now.

“I can’t remember how to do long division, but I honestly can remember the dumbest things,” TJ said, starting to mumble again. “Hey, Underdog. Have you started reading The Giver yet?”

“No,” Cyrus yawned. “We don’t need to be up to chapter five until Friday.”

“Want me to read it to you until you fall asleep? You sound like you’re going to pass out any minute now.”

“But then I won’t remember where I was before I fell asleep,” Cyrus moaned.

“Don’t argue. I’m already getting my book,” TJ told him. Cyrus could hear TJ shuffling around the bedroom. “Alright. Chapter one…” TJ read to him for what felt twenty minutes before he couldn’t remember anything but the lightness of dream.

-

And now the purple dusk of twilight time

Steals across the meadows of my heart

TJ was in the middle of chapter two when he heard light snoring. He smiled and whispered, “Goodnight, Underdog.” He hung up the phone and set the book back inside of his backpack before shutting off the lights. He went back under his covers and checked his phone for the time. It was 3AM, and he could hear the distant yet familiar arguing from downstairs. He had blocked it out for almost an hour thanks to Cyrus and Lois Lowry. TJ put the sides of the pillows to cover his ears and closed his eyes.

He knew time had passed when his eyes blasted open at the sound of a door slamming shut. The front door downstairs. He then registered the soft crying. Amber’s crying. He sat straight up and saw that Amber was at the end of his bed, her back against the wall.

“Amber?” TJ rubbed his eyes. “What’s going on?”

“Dad left,” she whispered. TJ stopped moving. Was he hearing wrong?

High up in the sky the little stars climb

Always reminding me that we're apart

You wander down the lane and far away

Leaving me a song that will not die

“What?”

“Dad left. I heard them fighting in the bedroom like twenty minutes ago and he was packing his stuff,” she covered her face as she started to bawl. TJ lowered his hand and crawled over and put his arm around her. Amber shared a wall with their parents. TJ at least had the guest room in between which spared him a lot. Amber had always had it the worst.

“He’ll come back,” TJ whispered, his eyes starting to burn with tears. “He’ll come back.” Amber kept crying, her sobs eventually turning into wails. All TJ could do was sit there and hug her. He hadn’t even checked what time it was. He didn’t know if Amber had fallen asleep. It was getting hazy and everything felt a million times heavier. Amber’s sobs would die down and then increase suddenly, and he failed at trying not to cry. The only thing he heard was crying and the cars that would pass by in the streets. There was a ghostly silence emitting from the entire house. “He has to come back.”

Amber fell asleep after a long while, but TJ stayed wide awake. He gently laid her down before positioning himself next to his window. He was sitting with his back flat on his poster-covered wall, his eyes switching between watching Amber sleep and staring at the photos on his ceiling. He couldn’t really see them. It was still dark outside, and he didn’t know what he was waiting for. As soon as the sun beams started burst through the window and hit his bedsheets, he knew. He reached out a hand and let the light beam of sunshine hit his hand. There were striped shadows from the blinds wrapping around his skin. He let out a half-smile before closing his eyes. Everything will work out the way it’s meant to be he told himself. His GG always said that the rising sun meant a new era. He knew he wasn’t lying because the day he died, the sunrise turned the skies orange. It was his GG’s favorite color.

The music of the years gone by.

Sometimes I wonder, how I spend

The lonely nights

Dreaming of a song

The melody

Haunts my reverie

And I am once again with you

TJ laid down next to Amber and closed his eyes, almost immediately falling asleep. It didn’t feel like he had slept for more than a few minutes, but it was 6:30AM when he woke up to Amber turning off his alarm clock. He hadn’t even covered himself with the blankets, and he was cold. Amber stood up with her hands wrapped around herself as she shivered.

“Get ready, okay?” she told him, her teeth chattering. She looked horrible, and TJ knew he did, too. He simply nodded his head, and she made her way out of his room. He didn’t want to get up. He was exhausted and drained. It was a different type of tired where everything felt heavy and his throat felt dry. His eyes hurt every time he blinked. He had no idea how he was going to make it through the entire day. He still had work that afternoon, and he definitely could not skip right now.

He stood up anyways and got dressed. He went out into the hall and heard the sink running in the restroom. Amber was going to be a while. He went back into his room and got his hair gel from his bag and started doing his hair in there to get that over with. When he was done, he heard his phone vibrate. He reached over and smiled when he saw who it was from.

Cyrus: Good morning. I’m dead.

TJ: God I wish I were you right now

Cyrus: What time did u fall asleep??? I don’t even remember falling asleep.

TJ: u knocked out like at 3.

Cyrus: how much sleep did you get

TJ: idk like 2

Cyrus: 2 what? Hours

TJ: minutes

Cyrus: tj omg. Minutes?!!!!!

TJ: okay maybe like an hour or 2 I don’t really know.

TJ hesitated before sending the next text.

TJ: everything just sucks right now

Cyrus: hey I’m here if you need anything okay? We can talk about it over baby tators after tutoring if you’d like. My treat this time.

TJ: can’t. I have work.

Cyrus: I’ll walk you to work then. Sound good?

TJ: sounds perfect :^)

Cyrus: :o)

TJ heard the restroom door open, and he walked out to finish getting ready. Amber saw the smile on his face and raised an eyebrow, “Cyrus.” TJ shrugged, the smile not faltering. “Goofy boys,” Amber shook her head with a grin and walked back into her room.

When TJ finished getting ready, he walked down stairs to find Amber making them breakfast. He had heard their mom shuffling around in the master bedroom, so he knew she wasn’t downstairs.

“Eat up,” Amber told him as he sat down. “It’s almost seven, and I’m pretty sure we’re walking.” TJ didn’t say anything and gratefully ate the breakfast. They both ate in silence. TJ realized Amber didn’t have any makeup on and her hair was in a ponytail. He had seen himself in the mirror minutes ago, and he knew he didn’t exactly look like Prince Charming either.

They both turned to the kitchen doorway when their mom walked inside. She was still in her work uniform, and her hair was in a bun that was fall apart. Her eyes and nose were extremely red.

“I made breakfast,” Amber told her, not looking at her for longer than a second. TJ just saw her nod her head before walking to the coffee machine.

“You kids don’t have to go to school today,” she told them, her voice quiet yet rough. “I’ll call in.”

“I have to turn in an essay,” Amber quickly responded.

“Yeah,” TJ momentarily added, “I have tutoring after school.”

“Tutoring?” their mom turned to look at him. TJ sunk back a little in his seat. They had been told about his dyscalculia, but it was something they haven’t talked about in a while.

“Yeah,” TJ bit his lip. “I have it for math with a friend and Mrs. Pierson.” She simply nodded her head and went back to paying attention to the coffee machine. They were silent for the next few minutes as Amber and TJ kept eating, the clinking of dishes filling the air. Their mom watched them carefully as she drank her coffee. TJ checked his phone and told them, “I better get going.” He collected his and Amber’s dishes and placed them in the sink.

“I’ll wash them after I drop you kids off,” their mom putting her coffee on the counter. “Let me go get the keys.”

“We can walk if you want,” Amber told her delicately. She hadn’t taken them to school in ages. They called it an unnecessary waste of gas most of the time.

“No,” she shook her head. “I want to. At least today.” Neither TJ or Amber pressed the matter and just went to wait by the door. Amber’s eyes were already tearing up as they got to the door. TJ gave her a weak reassuring and smile which caused Amber to rub her eyes in an attempt of disguise. When the heard the keys rattling, Amber turned to their mom and said, “I have English second period. I might text you to pick me up.”

“I’ll be by my phone,” she said as they all walked out to the family car. TJ sat in the back seat and waited for the car to start moving. He felt ice cold even though fall had barely crept in, and it was making him want to sleep. He started considering skipping school. Mrs. Pierson would understand. Cyrus would, too. “Hey, um,” their mom gently said. “I just want you kids to know that I already talked to my boss. I’m getting shifts as I need them. I’m going to be responsible now, I swear. Nana and I talked. She’ll be on call if any of you two need anything, and I’m at work.” TJ knew Amber was crying again. It made him feel worse hearing her cry. Their mom started choking up, “Hey, I love you kids, okay? I’ve been a shitty mom lately, but we’ll get through this even if it’s just the three of us. I swear.”

He has to come back. He has to come back.

-

TJ was early to school; not a lot of kids had gotten dropped off. He walked into the cafeteria and got in line (it was only two kids in front of him). He was full already, but he eyed the chocolate chocolate chip muffins. He grabbed one and went back outside to sit at a picnic bench. He pulled out his phone and realized he already had a text from Cyrus.

Cyrus: hey I need to see you before class starts

TJ: im already at school sooo

Cyrus: im almost there. Where are u?

TJ: Benches by the cafeteria

TJ didn’t bother waiting for a response. He rested his head on his propped up arm and started closing his eyes. His eyelids felt so stiff, and he if tired had a taste, it was whatever parched feeling he had in his throat.

“Good morning!” Cyrus enthusiastically said, causing TJ to jump up startled.

“Hey!” TJ yelped. He quickly turned around to see if anyone had seen, but it was just kids minding their own business and Cyrus laughing. TJ smirked at Cyrus, “Proud that you scared the shit out of me?”

“Kind of, yes,” Cyrus grinned. He had two coffee shop drinks in his hands and one was half-way done. TJ assumed that’s where he got his energy. “Here,” Cyrus set the coffee in front of TJ. “I don’t know if you drink coffee, but I know you need it.”

“I’m usually an energy drink guy, but I tend to not splurge on them. Sleep is free energy,” TJ said and picked up the coffee. He studied the see-thru plastic carefully. He rarely got anything from the coffee shop. He didn’t know how to order it. Why couldn’t the sizes just be small, medium, and large?

“You’re not getting any sleep, and TJ, I mean this in the nicest way possible. You look exhausted. I’m so glad I chose today to get you this,” Cyrus gave TJ an apologetic look. TJ was half-asleep, so he just stared at Cyrus’ lips for a few seconds too long before remembering he was in a conversation.

“Uh, yeah,” TJ blinked furiously and set the coffee down, “thank you by the way. I owe you one.”

“No, you don’t,” Cyrus shook his head. TJ took a sip from the straw and immediately made a sour face.

“What is this, Underdog?” TJ smacked his lips a few times. It was super sweet at first, but he liked the aftertaste. He started drinking it again.

“I call it liquid cocaine. It’s 4 shots of expresso, and 4 pumps of white chocolate syrup over ice in a cold cup.”

“Sounds unhealthy.”

“You sleeping habits are unhealthy, TJ. You need to get more sleep.”

“Sounds fake.”

“TJ!” Cyrus whined.

“Fine, fine,” TJ rubbed his eyes. “I’ll take sleeping syrup or something.”

“Don’t abuse that stuff, though.”

“Do you want me to sleep or not?” TJ smiled, causing Cyrus to shrug.

“I guess,” Cyrus sighed. TJ felt nice for a change. Every time he realized Cyrus cared about him, it made everything feel better. Even if everything was a complete shit pile. “Hey we have time to talk if you want to tell me what’s wrong. Or we can wait until after school. If we don’t crash.” TJ looked around and bit his lip. If he didn’t make it to the end of the school day, it wasn’t going to be because of a caffeine crash. He was pretty good at hiding any emotional distress in person, but he didn’t know how long he’d be able to hold this in.

“I’ll just um…,” TJ bit his lip harder.

“We’ll talk after school,” Cyrus reached his hand across the table and squeezed TJ’s free hand. TJ felt himself turning red, but he didn’t reach out to cover his nose. He put the coffee down and set the abandoned muffin right in front of Cyrus.

“It’s for you.”

The nightingale

Tells his fairytale

Of paradise, where roses grew

Though I dream in vain

In my heart it will remain

My stardust melody

The memory of love's refrain.

Next Chapter

A/N: Thank you for reading! Here’s those who asked to be tagged :) If you want to be added or removed from this list, just let me know! Also if I forget you I swear it wasn’t on purpose. I skip over things in my head sometimes.

@magicalcowboycalzonemoney @the-greatt-perhaps @thedampjofangirl@evaeselgreatest @musicalsfuckmeup @stupidlambforever

[nevermindthewind]

the ultimate trick-or-treat

shout out to @startofamoment for all the help and to everyone who’s let me yell about this fic for the past couple days!! you guys are the freaking best.

Amy goes into labor during the Halloween Heist. But is it for realz or just a part of her genius plan?

Read on ao3 or under the cut.

The morning of the seventh Halloween Heist starts like every other.

Jake wakes up to his alarm blaring at an ungodly hour. BUT, instead of throwing it across the room like he’d normally do he pops up with a start, his mind racing with all of the things he needs to do to be ready for the day.  He’s already dressed, having slept in his favorite navy plaid shirt and jeans just for the occasion. All he has to do is brush his teeth and throw on his lucky dress sneakers and he’ll be ready to go.  

It’s been far too long since he’s won a heist, but this year he’s determined to be the precinct’s most amazing human/genius. He’s planned everything; all his pieces are in place and he’s triple checked his alliance with Charles (no Bill this year - he may or may not have been arrested when Nutriboom went under a few months ago). No tramps will bring him down today. Not on his watch.

He’s just about to run through the plan for the thousandth time when a snore, a giant, earth-shattering snore snaps Jake out of his little daydream.

He looks over and sees Amy lying to face him, her mouth wide open as she continues to make noises loud enough to wake the dead. Her silhouette is barely visible, but Jake is just able to make out the curve of her ever-growing baby bump.

A sleepy smile creeps across Jake’s face. Even with the snores and the tiny bit of drool that was pooling on her pillow, she really is the most gorgeous being on the planet. 

Another snore, this one so loud Amy wakes herself up with a start. She snaps her head up and looks around, trying to find the source of the noise.

“What was that?”

Jake stifles a laugh. “That was you, babe.”

Amy squints up at him, cocking her head in adorable confusion. “It was? You sure?”

“Oh I’m sure. The little peanut’s had you snoring up a storm for the past week.”

“Seriously?!” she groans, flopping back down on the bed. She rolls her head over to look at Jake, who’s trying very hard not to crack a smile, and glares up at him. “I love this baby but it can give my body back to me anytime.”

Jake kisses her forehead. Watching Amy go through all the different stages of pregnancy has been incredible and beautiful and absolutely insane in the best way. However he hates that she’s so uncomfortable and there’s nothing he can do about it. “I know. Soon, Ames. 38 weeks today, right?”

“Mhm,” she nods. “Baby’s the size of a pumpkin now. Fitting.”

“See!” Jake exclaims. “Just a little longer and they’ll be outta there.” He takes her hand and gives it a squeeze before jumping out of bed and giving her a sly smile. “Until then, I have a heist to win.”

Amy gives him a look.

“Don’t you mean I have a heist to win?”

Jake scoffs. “Sure, Ames. You keep telling yourself that.”

“Excuse me?” Amy crosses her arms. “What makes you think I won’t kick your ass this year? I’ve won more heists than you, I’ll have you know.”

“False. We’ve won the same number of heists. We tied during the fifth one and you know it. Plus, I have a foolproof plan that not even your genius brain will be able to crack.”

“Because your foolproof plans have worked so well in the past?”

"Managed to surprise you, didn't I?"

Amy rolls her eyes, but the corners of her lips give her away as they curl into a smile.

"You got me there."

Jake returns her grin as he makes his way into the bathroom. The two of them get ready in record time. Even with Amy's ever-present waddle and her needing to pee every fifteen minutes they still manage to get out the door with plenty of time to get to the precinct and ensure their respective plans are ready to be put into motion. However Jake can't help but notice Amy is walking even slower than normal, and she already seems exhausted.

He checks in with her one last time before they head to the car.

"Babe?"

"Hmm?"

He pauses, not sure how to approach the subject without getting his head ripped off.

"Now, before I say anything, I want you to know I'm only asking because I care about you and the Peanut. In no way does this question have to do with the heist -- well, it kind of does. But still, I just --"

"Spit it out, Peralta."

Jake sighs.

"You sure you're up for this? The heist, I mean? I know you're able to make your own decisions and it's your body so if you want to go I will support you 110% but, I don't know, I just would hate for you to be uncomfortable or in pain all day. If you want, we can totally call it off."

Amy cuts him off by placing her hand on his chest.

"You're so sweet," she starts with a genuine smile. Her eyes flash playfully. "But babe, I am always up for beating you. I played you in a Jimmy Jabs my first trimester, didn't I?"

"Yeah and you threw up twice," Jake points out.

"Details, details," Amy says, giving him a dismissive wave. Jake's not convinced, which Amy can clearly see based on the look he's giving her. She takes her other hand, grabs one of Jake's, and places it on her belly. He can feel the baby kicking like crazy under her shirt.

I'll never get used to that.

"See? We're both okay," she whispers, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. "I promise."

"But what if something happens?" Jake can't help but ask.

"Tell you what," says Amy. "If I need a break, I'll...I'll itch my butt. Take it back to my Isabel Cortez days.” Jake laughs at that. “That'll be our sign, our code word. Would that make you feel better?"

He lets out a sigh of relief. "Yes."

"Okay, perfect." Amy kisses his cheek before letting go of his hand. "Now let's go. Like you said, I have a heist to win!"

--

Jake and Amy stroll into the precinct a little past 5:00, expecting to be the first two arrive as they have been for every heist since their engagement. So imagine their surprise when they enter the briefing room and find the entire squad waiting in their usual seats.

"Oh good, Jakey, you're here!" Charles exclaims.

"Yeah dudes, we've been waiting forever," Rosa adds.

"Peralta, Santiago, how nice of you to join us," says Holt from the front of the room. He raises an eyebrow. "I was beginning to worry you were too fowl to participate this year."

"Don't you mean chicken?" Jake asks pointedly.

"Chickens are classified as a type of fowl, therefore fowl is also an appropriate term," Holt replies. "Now please, sit down so I can go over the rules of this year's heist."

"Oh Commish," says Jake dramatically. "How cute of you to think you alone get to explain the heist when, in fact, it is I who will be doing the explaining."

"Not so fast, boys," Amy pipes up, waddling over to the podium. "If anyone is going to go over the rules, it's gonna be me." She turns and faces the rest of the squad, who are all rather nonplussed by the current debate. "This year it is up to each contestant to decide whether they choose to work with another detective. Like before, you all have until midnight--"

"To find the object of destiny and keep it--" starts Jake.

"Hey!" Amy exclaims, swatting Jake in the chest.

"In your possession," Holt finishes.

"HEY!" Jake and Amy shout.

"Oh my god, all of you can shut it," says Gina, rolling her eyes as she stands up from her seat in the front row. "Everyone has to try and snag Holt's terrible bowler hat--" She holds up the red hat in question. "-- which will be on the creepy-ass witch in the middle of the precinct. I’m gonna go put it on the witch rn. Who wants to come with me?"

"How'd you get my hat?" Holt asks, his voice laced with confusion.

"You should know by now I have my ways," Gina replies with an air of mystery. "Now, to the bullpen!"

Jake and Amy exchange annoyed glances before following the rest of the squad into the bullpen. A piercing cackle rings out as all the detectives gather around Gina, who was standing beside the very same witch Amy had used to win the 2015 Heist. Everyone shutters.

“God, that thing still gives me the heebie jeebies,” Jake mutters.

“Good,” Amy whispers back at him, her tone menacing. Ugh. Jake forgot how mean Heist Amy can get. He doesn’t know whether to be hurt or turned on.

“Alright losers,” announces Gina. She’s holding the hat above the witches matted hair. “The bowler hat is going into position in 3...2...1!”

Everyone carefully retreats back to their respective desks; Holt has commandeered his old office from their Captain, who’s more than happy to do whatever it takes to get into the Commissioner's good graces, while Amy’s decided to work in the briefing room for the day. Jake switches his gaze back and forth from every member of the squad, not trusting anyone. He’s almost to his desk when he sees a quick flicker of movement by the briefing room door.

Amy’s clutching the doorknob, her face contorted in pain as her other hand clutches her swollen stomach.

“Amy!”

All eyes are now on Jake as he races over to wear Amy’s standing, still in obvious pain.

“Ames, what’s wrong?” he asks, immediately rubbing large circles on her back.

“A contraction, I think,” she gasps. Jake feels the blood drain from his face. He freaking knew something would happen today.

“Someone get a chair!” Jake yells. It’s not even ten seconds before Charles is scooting his chair right in front of Amy, who sinks into it as she continues to work through the contraction. “Ames, we need to go to the hospital. You are not having this baby at the precinct, it is absolutely filthy.”

“It’s probably nothing,” Amy murmurs as her breathing starts to even out. “False labor is pretty comm--”

“WHERE IS THE BOWLER HAT?”

Holt’s voice booms throughout the precinct. Everyone turns to see the witch, now minus one bowler hat.

“What the damn hell?!” A million thoughts race through Jake’s head. Who managed to grab the hat so quickly? They’d only been distracted for maybe 20 seconds. How could anyone have possibly known Amy was going to go into labor at that exact moment?

Unless...but...she wouldn’t.

Or would she?!

Jake slowly turned back around to see Amy smirking back at him, all evidence of pain wiped from her face.

“What’s up, Jake?”

Okay, now he doesn’t know whether to be mad or turned on. His wife is an evil genius.

“Amy Santiago-Peralta, you shady lady…”

“What?” she asks innocently. “I couldn’t have done anything. I’ve been sitting here the whole time.”

“She’s working with Rosa!” gasps Terry. “Terry saw her pause just before Amy had her ‘contraction’ and now she’s gone.”

Jake shakes his head as he turns back to Amy, who merely shrugs in response to this accusation.

“How could you use our future child to help you win the heist? Do you have no shame?! I am shook Amy, absolutely shook.”

His voice is filled with a mix of frustration and pure awe. Amy merely stands up and kisses Jake’s cheek.

"All's fair in love and Heists, babe. Besides, you should've known. I didn't use the signal."

She gives him a wink as she shuffles back into the briefing room. Jake merely shakes his head.

“Oh it is on.”

--

It takes 12 hours, 4 failed attempts, and 1 very large rat but eventually Jake and Charles are able to get the bowler hat back in their possession. It is now safely hidden in Charles’ desk, in one of Charles’ lunch boxes labeled “desk snails” (Jake doesn’t have the stomach to find out what desk snails actually are, but based on the smell wafting from the box they can’t be anything good). Now comes the hard part; protecting the hat without anyone knowing they have it.

Luckily, Charles is in the middle of a huge drug bust with Rosa. So it would make sense for him to be at his desk all day, right? Right. Jake himself is reading over some files for the robbery he’d been assigned the day before. It takes him a while to get into his groove, what with the heist and all, but after a while he gets lost in the puzzle, working and rearranging to try and solve the case.

“Earth to Jake.”

Jake jumps at the sudden noise. He looks up to see Rosa towering over him, her eyes filled with a mix of frustration and...worry?

“What’s up? Why aren’t you guarding the hat?” he asks smugly. Rosa slams her hands down on the table and leans over, her gaze even more menacing.

“Dude, you need to come with me,” she says. His voice is quiet, urgent. “Amy’s in labor. For realz.”

Jake can feel the same panic from before rise in his chest and for a second he thinks that maybe this is it?! But before he can get too excited he remembers what happened that morning and all the panic vanishes. He turns back to his file.

“Uh, nice try Diaz. I’ve learned my lesson.”

Rosa rolls her eyes before leaning in closer.

“Jake, I’m serious. Amy started having contractions this morning, around 9:00, but she told me not to tell you. She didn’t want to worry you. I think she wanted to see if she could beat you before she had to go to the hospital,” Rosa adds with a hint of frustration.  

A flutter of excitement fills his stomach. Is this for real? Is he gonna be a dad today?

“Why should I believe you?” he asks, still wary.

“Because,” Rosa huffs. “Your wife just about broke a desk when she grabbed it during a contraction. And because said contractions are getting closer together. I’ve been timing them. The last few have been six minutes apart. She needs to go to the hospital.”

Jake wants to believe her -- Christ, does he want to -- but he can’t quite let himself go there. What if he runs off to the briefing room only to be played again? What if Amy’s sitting back there totally fine and not in labor?

But what if she is?

“Oh, Amy also told me to tell you -- Don’t ask me why -- but she told me to tell you her butt itches.”

The code word. Holy shit. This is real.

AMY’S IN LABOR.

Jake jumps out of his chair.

“Why didn’t you lead with that?!” Jake practically yells. “Oh my god, Rosa...It’s baby time!”

“That’s what convinces you I’m telling the truth?” Rosa asks, amused. “Good god, you two are the weirdest couple.”

But Jake’s not listening anymore. He scrambles to find his keys before sprinting over to the briefing room, barely registering anything except for the fact that Amy is in labor and their baby is on its way and holy shit holy shit holy SHIT he’s gonna be a dad soon. Like, today.

Jake crashes into the briefing room to find Amy pacing up and down the walkway, her face contorted in a mix of panic and nerves as she clutches her lower back. She jumps at the noise.

“Rosa did you --” Relief washes over her when she realizes it’s Jake. “Oh thank god. I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me. Hi.”

“Hi,” Jake sighs as he rushes to her. He plants a kiss on her temple. “If we’re being completely honest, I didn’t believe her until she said the code word. How are you?”

She gives him a nervous smile. “I mean, it hurts like hell. And I’m really scared because apparently it’s only gonna get worse. But I’m excited. And I’m glad you’re here.”

“I could’ve been here soon if you’d told me,” he chides her gently, although there’s not an ounce of menace in his voice.

“I know,” Amy says, a touch sheepish. “But I wanted to wi-- ah, fuck. Contraction.”

“Oh shit, okay. What do you want me to do?” Jake asks, feeling absolutely helpless as he watches Amy lean over the table and rest her elbows on the surface. Her belly hangs beneath her as she closes her eyes and the rest of her face twists with pain. She’s been doing this for hours and he wasn’t there, was just on the other side of the door when he should have been with her. That kills him just a little bit.

“My back,” she murmurs.

“Okay! I can do that.” Jake rushes to her and begins kneading her lower back, just like he’s been doing the past few weeks. It seems to go on forever, but slowly (way too slowly for either of their liking) but surely Amy’s breathing begins to even out as the contraction subsides.

“This has been happening all day?” Jake asks, feeling more and more guilty as the seconds pass. Amy nods, still keeping her head in her arms. “Jesus, Ames. I’m so sorry I haven’t been here. Screw the heist, I should’ve been in here with you -- Hell, we should’ve been on our way to the hospital already! Day one as a dad and I’m already fucking everything --”

“Hey,” Amy cuts him off, slowly standing so she’s facing him. “That was my choice. My stupid, stupid choice, but still. Please don’t blame yourself.”

Jake nods, but he can’t quite shake the feeling that he’s already a terrible father. Maybe he’s more like his dad than he thought.

“And don’t you dare go thinking you’re a bad father,” Amy adds, taking his hand into hers. She rests her forehead against his. “Because you’re not, you hear me?”

Of course she could read his freaking mind.

“I hear you,” he replies, squeezing her hand. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” says Amy. “And I really am sorry for going all girl-who-cried-labor on you. Not cool.”

Jake lets out a laugh. “Don’t worry about it. It was a brilliant prank.”

“It kinda was, wasn’t it?”

They laugh, and the two of them stand there for a second, wrapped up in each other. Their breathing falls in sync as they take in everything that’s happened and everything that’s going to happen in the next few hours. They’re going to be parents today. There baby is going to be here so freaking soon. And even though minutes ago he was on the brink of totally, completely freaking out, in Amy’s arms all of that melts away. Here everything is stable. It’s easy, safe. It’s comfort. It’s Jake and Amy.

Finally Jake pulls away, knowing full well another contraction could come at any minute and they really should get to the hospital. He grins as he takes her hand.

“You ready for this, Peralta?”

Amy smiles back at him.

“Ready as I’ll ever be, Santiago.”

--

It’s Jake who suggests they lay a spare hoodie down on the passenger seat just in case. Amy tries to protest, says she’s not going to make a mess thank you very much, but Jake insists.

“Ames, wasn’t it you who said you’d kill anyone who got a drop of anything on your patrol car upholstery?”

“...Yes.”

“Ha HA! The jacket stays.”

He helps into the car, leaning the seat back for optimal comfort before sprinting to the driver’s side, jamming on his seatbelt and pulling out of the station.

Amy’s water breaks two minutes later and Jake has never felt more smug in his entire life.

However that smugness only lasts about two seconds because as soon as her water breaks its like a flip has switched. The contractions are ten times stronger now, the pain so intense, and all the control Amy’d shown earlier is completely gone. All Jake can do is hold her hand, let her squeeze the living daylights out of it, and drive. That’s his job. To drive her to the hospital and keep her and their baby safe. That’s all he can do.

The drive to the hospital is only twenty minutes. But when your wife is screaming at you to drive faster? Well it might as well be twenty years.

“Can you go any faster?” Amy groans through a contraction.

“Babe, I’m going as fast as I can,” Jake says, trying not to let the panic he’s feeling creep into his voice.

“You’re in a police car, aren’t you? Turn on the damn siren and DRIVE,” Amy yells through gritted teeth.

“Oh yeah!” Jake exclaims. He flicks the switch and slams his foot onto the accelerator. He tries to drive as quickly as he can without actually running over any of the costumed crazies out on the streets. How crazy is it that his kid is actually going to be born on Halloween? They’re gonna have the best birthday parties ever!

“Jake,” Amy says urgently, snapping him back to reality. “I need to push. Like, now.”

“WHAT?” yells Jake, looking over to see Amy screwing her face up in total agony. “Already?!”

“Yeah. I need you to pull over right now.”

Jake just shakes his head, not lifting his foot off the accelerator. “Nope, not happening. My job is to get you to the hospital. You keep that baby inside for just ten more minutes.”

“JAKE. Pull the fucking car over.”

“Ames, babe, just hold on, okay? We’re so close.”

Tears roll down Amy’s face as she screams at him.

“JACOB SANTIAGO PERALTA PULL THE FUCK OVER.”

“Amy Santiago Peralta I beg of you, PLEASE do not push until there is a medical professional present.”

This goes on for the rest of the drive. Amy keeps begging, pleading with Jake to let her push, telling him that if he love her AT ALL he’d let her push and have the baby now while Jake keeps driving, telling her he loves her so damn much which is why he will not let her have their baby in a dirty patrol car. Wave after wave of contraction rips through her, and there’s a second where Jake thinks he might just end up delivering his own baby and it’s the scariest, craziest car ride of his life but by some miracle they reach the hospital before the baby comes.

They’re whisked away to the delivery room, and fifteen minutes and four pushes later their daughter is here.

She’s tiny and purple and a bit slimy but she’s here.

Her tiny, angry cries fill the room as she’s placed in Amy’s arms. Amy’s eyes are wide, her mouth forming a perfect little ‘o’ as she holds their daughter -- their daughter -- for the first time. Jake can hear her breath hitch in the back of her throat.

It’s the most amazing, wonderful, incredible sight Jake’s ever laid eyes on.

“Hi baby girl,” Amy whispers, running a finger over the baby’s cheek. “Thanks for coming out of me.” She plants a kiss on the baby’s forehead before looking up at Jake, tears glistening in her eyes. “She’s so perfect.”

“Yeah she is,” he says, his voice saturated with awe. “Just like her mama.” Jake kisses the top of Amy’s head as he looks down at their baby in her arms, her cries now reduced to the sweetest little snuffles.

“Hi there, little one. I’m your dad.”

Amy grins down at the baby. “And he’s gonna be the best daddy ever, you know that?”

Jake tentatively reaches out and places a hand on the baby’s tiny chest, feeling the warmth radiating off her tiny body even through the blanket she’s wrapped in. Suddenly he feels her little hand grasp his index finger, her fingers curling around his with impressive strength.

A current runs through his body, and along with it comes a love so strong, so pure. It’s in that moment that he knows he’ll never be able to stop loving her. And he doesn’t want to. She’s the absolute best thing in the entire world.

“You wanna hold her?” Amy asks quietly, smiling as tears continue to run down her cheeks. Jake can’t speak, merely nodding as they rearrange so that the baby is now in his arms. She never lets go of his finger.

“Oh...”

He sinks down onto the bed and feels Amy rest her head on his shoulder, her hand now resting on the baby’s chest just next to Jake’s. He wants to stay here forever, with his daughter’s perfect grip literally wrapped around his finger and the love of his life wrapped in his embrace. It’s better than winning any heist, better than arresting all of the bad guys in New York City. It’s heaven.

“What’s your name, little one?” he asks after a moment. He and Amy had narrowed it down to two, but hadn’t quite decided. It’s quiet for a second, then…

“Zoey,” Amy whispers. “I think it’s Zoey.”

Jake grins.

“Zoey she is.”

--

Amy and Jake are curled up in Amy's recovery room bed with Zoey asleep in Amy's arms when there’s a tentative knock on the door.

Jake startles out of his current trance. It’s the weirdest feeling, the mix of nerves and excitement that comes over him. Zoey’s first visitors.

Jake steals one final glance at Amy, who is looking back at him with an honest-to-god sparkle in her eye. He smiles back at her before turning his attention back to the baby.

“You ready for your first visitors, Zo-zo?” he asks, adjusting Zoey’s hat.

“You betcha, Daddy,” says Amy, speaking for Zoey.  Jake chuckles as he looks back at the door, relishing the way his heart leaps at his newest title.

Here goes nothing.

“Come in.”

The door cracks open, revealing Terry’s excited smile.

“Up for some visitors?”

Amy just nods as Jake grins back, waving them in.

“Yeah, of course.”

The crack in the door widens as one by one the rest of the squad enters their hospital room. Terry comes in first, then Charles -- who’s so excited Jake’s not entirely sure he’ll make it through the visit without passing out -- followed by Gina, Rosa, and, finally, Captain Holt. In his arms is a gift bag, but Jake can hardly focus on it now because his heart is fit to burst.

It’s fitting really, that their adoptive family be the first to meet their daughter.

It’s Gina who reaches the bed first, pausing before she (or Charles) gets too close for Amy’s comfort.

“Everyone,” Jake announces in a hushed sort of reverence. “Meet Zoey Camila Peralta. She’s 6 pounds, 7 ounces, and 20 inches of pure awesome.”

“Oh Amy, she’s gorgeous,” Terry says, wiping his cheeks with the pad of his thumb. “I’m sorry, I just still can’t believe my work babies had a baby.”

“Yeah, she’s pretty cute. Second only to Iggy, duh,” adds Gina, with a rare unsarcastic smile. She squeezes Amy’s leg. “You did good, kid.”

“Thanks, guys,” says Amy quietly, smiling up at both of them with unshed tears in her eyes.

“So…” Jake looks to Amy, who nods, before continuing, “Who wants to hold her first?”

“I think we can all agree we should let Charles have a turn before he collapses,” says Terry.

“Yes, I think that would be wise,” adds Holt, eyeing Charles with concern.  Charles, who has been surprisingly quiet up until this point perks up at his name.

“C-c-can I?” he asks, his eyes wide.

Jake grins back. “Of course, buddy. Come say hi to your new favorite niece.”

At the word ‘niece’ Charles snaps out of his trance.  He reaches out, and Amy carefully places Zoey into Charles’ arms. That’s when the water works start.

“She’s perfect, just...perfect,” Charles sobs. “America’s dream baby.”

Once Charles empties his tear ducts the rest of the squad takes turns holding Zoey, every one of them fawning over her in their own ways. Rosa helps Zoey give her first fist bump, Gina promises to always be there when she wants to go “real person” shopping, and Terry tells her about her cousins and all the things they can do together.

“But now I think it’s Uncle Holt’s turn, yes it is,” Terry coos into Zoey’s ear.

“Oh...yes. I suppose I would like to hold the infant,” says Holt, shuffling over to Terry’s side. Jake slides his hand into Amy’s, not quite able to take his eyes off the Captain as he holds their daughter in his arms. A soft smile spreads across Holt’s face.

“She is quite beautiful.”

Jake’s throat suddenly feels too tight, his eyes burning in the back of his head.

“Thank you, sir.” Jake can feel Amy squeezing his hand almost as hard as she did just a few hours ago.

No one speaks for a moment, everyone too caught up in the fact that Holt hasn’t stopped smiling for the past few minutes.

“So…” Jake starts after a beat, “Who ended up winning the Heist?”

Of course it’s Holt who speaks up.

“Gina, can you please bring Jake and Amy the gift bag I placed on the visitor’s loveseat?”

“Could have just called it a couch,” Jake interjects, but Holt ignores him.

Gina brings the bag over to the bed and places it next to Amy, giving her a subtle wink before retreating back to her perch next to Rosa.

Amy gives Holt a curious glance as she reaches inside the bag. She pushes the wrapping around only to find...

“The bowler hat?”

Another grin flashes across Holt’s face.

“I think we have to award it to the newest member of the squad.”

Jake feels tears finally spill over. He hears Amy gasp beside him.

“Sir…”

“You really mean it?”

Holt nods, arching an eyebrow.

“Of course I mean it. Your daughter truly is an amazing human/genius.”

And as Holt bounces Zoey as he carries her over and places her back into Amy’s arms, Jake can’t help but feel completely, totally, blissfully happy. He has his family, his wife, and his own freaking daughter.

He’ll never get over that.

It’s all he could ever need.

Amy leans her head on his shoulder, once again bringing him back down to reality.

“He totally loves her,” she whispers up at him, completely in awe. Jake grins back at her before returning his gaze to his daughter.

“What’s not to love?”

[thisismyghost-blog]

1st time I told my fam/friends on fb about the sadistic monster who abused me and is facing agg kidnapping and 3agg rape charges

So idk how some of you will react to this but i have to risk people who will hate me or just turn away in order to gain reinforcements. I have been practically in hiding for almost a year after finally giving up on keeping a bold face at my job that I loved with a few people that I really loved due to the pain I didn’t know how to handle of being visibly and deeply scorned by a few people who I had done nothing to but be friendly and awkward to (just due to lack of social experience)I have been protected under the love of my amazing family, my best friend Sayruh, and the incredible loving man who I can’t describe rn who came into my life about five years ago and with who’s path, unfortunately, was diverged during what I’m about to tell you. This isn’t going to be college level essay ish, so bare with me. I’m bleeding and panting out of breathe in the battlefield of life at this moment but I haven’t dropped the sword and I never will. I don’t have to do this alone, as much as I’ve been alone and felt deeply affected by if people think I am worthless, stupid, ugly, a whore or make assumptions about me that hurt them or take me the wrong way.i have hidden myself to protect others and to protect myself but I see now that is utter BULLLSHHIIITTT y’all. I was in a “relationship”with what fits the pattern of a malignant narcissist, possible psychopath for 9 entire soul crushing, brain washing, body mutilating, being made to believe I was bad or crazy, turning against myself months. That’s the time it takes to grow a fully ripened human, and apparently it’s also the time to nearly break an intelligent, loving sister, mother, daughter, friend, woman almost entirely.     This creature who masquerades as an attractive, eloquent, humble, caring, selfless individual has likely been slandering me since the moment he walked into my place of work as he, behind the scenes, carefully put up walls between me and anyone who might later have compassion for the things he had in store for me. That wasn’t terribly hard due to the fact that I was already a very shy person.This Lucifer gaslighted, undermined and abused me while successfully convincing me that he was helping me become a better person and applying his version of “therapy” based on his claimed experience in mental health in another country and coming out of terrible traumas all by himself. This person took the self doubt i already had, filled it with poison, and offered it through a needle promising the antidote. This person used my compassion and love for others to convince me to let him do horrible things to me as a stress relief or way of dealing with their past trauma in order to help them, to help them not do self destructive things and be able to go out and help others in Grand ways that he constantly spoke of.I have been hiding because I have seen that human nature tends to immediately start looking for ways to blame or dehumanize people that are in horrible situations like this. I have been hiding because I could feel the seering looks of disgust, feel the betrayel from those I had admired and even looked up to that had already taken place and wished not to extend an opportunity for others. I realize now that I have been ashamed of being vulnerable to someone else’s lack of humanity and feeling as though that truly debased me or may as well if it succeeded in debasing me from human status in the eyes of most people onlooking, so why give them a chance to onlook?I have no choice now because today I was shown my choice by the assistant district attorney.  It was my hope to protect others from this monster. It was my hope because I have seen what these creatures who walk among us, looking like people, expressing emotion on their face like people, and I have seen this creature twist otherwise upstanding, moderately intelligent individuals into hating a person in order to discredit them and also back them further into a corner, convince them they are nothing, watch them suffer and feed on their tears like a twisted vampire. You think you can spot a monster? Maybe you would have better luck. I think we all think we do, how can you not believe what your mind is telling you when you look at what looks like a human being but is a monster no one warned you about, who literally takes pleasure in slowly driving you insane and takes bites out of your flesh like a wolf and yelling at you for bleeding. I am not perfect, no one is. I make mistakes, that’s human. I take the wrong path sometimes, also human. Do I need to say that in order for you not to start asking a million questions until you get to the part where your brain can let out a sigh of relief and go “ooohh I was worried this world was that horrific for a minute but clearly this bitch is an idiot or a sinner who deserved whatever she’s going on about.”?I want to stop and give credit where credit is due.I am tempted to name names but I haven’t. There are people who I worked next to everyday and only had affection for who completely turned their back on me when he was arrested. I didn’t call police, my doctor did. I hate attention, I have no vendettas.  I have to  get out of this corner letting him and his minions scare/shame me into silence and projecting their ill motives onto me. I know it makes no sense. I only know that I am sure I experienced what I imagine thousands of murdered women experienced in their final moments. I feel that he would enjoyed watching my final moments and holding them in his hands like a god. I only know that an amazing doctor who I trusted and went to for advice about how to not get murdered or even possibly salvage my life from without police help because I didn’t believe they would help me. I believed him when he told me his ex’s called police and he talked them away, I believed him when he told me that police came to my door at times when I was screaming and he talked to them while I was in the bathroom crying and convinced them everything was ok. I believed what he didn’t have to put into words but only insinuate, that everyone will call me a stupid lying whore for staying around and trying to get help would only result in being told so. I was wrong. My doctor called the police without my knowledge, everyone treated me with compassion and respect and told me I was safe now. I thought that meant other girls would be safe now. I was mistaken. I held onto the remaining shards of my life with all my strength, allowing people under his spell to treat me despicably as I fought the tears, told myself it’s my fault for not being a better person who speaks up and is more than just quiet and friendly but involved and let’s you know them and is there for you. I tried to hold my head high and ignore them or focus on the 3 friends I had left and remind myself that they could have no clue what the truth was and that they would never believe me over such a charming loveable individual. How do you tell someone that a person they admire is capable of worse things than they have ever imagined and expect them to believe you unless they are incredibly close and trusting of you?Trial is coming up. I thought I could seek back up through expert witnesses and professionals who could untangle the dark web of deadly lies, ignorance and misinformation. I thought maybe I could find others like the girl he claimed to have put in the hospital for three months.. I thought.. Maybe.. I could sleep at night one day without picturing dead girls all alone in a landfill disposed of by him and forgotten. That is only my imagination but your mind is your window to the world and it’s all you see. Instead I am told that due to the burden of proof, even after the stack of felony indictments an incredible female detective at Smyrna PD was able to procure on my behalf.. That he will most likely walk free or get less than a decade and be let loose upon the world again. If you ever get hurt, make sure it’s by a total stranger and that you see clearly what’s going on in order to be able to immediately, report it and get the hell away from them so the law can protect you.(sarcasm if u didn’t see it.)There has to be an alarm raised and debate changed. Not for me but for my niece, my cousins, our daughters and sons, every human being who is out there vulnerable to be spotted by a shark who probably dresses and speaks properly and seems like a “stand up citizen” maybe even have a position of authority, maybe even like he did, claim to be a representative of Jesus and some version of my personal Satan’s false story that he was a champion of all orphans and the disenfranchised. I have pictures of him surrounded by smiling children he claimed were in a orphanage he managed for a time in an impoverished part of the world and claimed to have been their main source of affection and mental health assistance in dealing with the loss of their parents.If you are totally mind f9(?#d after reading this, understand that I have been fighting epic battles through Hell daily via my mind and PTSD armed with love  from my son, family, Antwane. An inkling that maybe I can build some sort of bridge to the nameless victims who will never have a charge formally filed much less prosecuted, the forgotten girls buried in shallow graves because a monster feasted on their human heart and knew no one would be in their corner to save them and that society at Large would walk on their unmarked grave with no tears shed for a “whore”. Armed with the small bit of reason and understanding I’ve gained through education and love not letting me die no matter how much agony and confusion and darkness swallowed me whole I walk out of that dark corner of shame today. I still need healing, I still am learning not to be hard on myself, I still have no idea what I’m doing but I’m fighting y’all and I have gained the type of clarity I’m not sure many people ever have after a lifetime. There is no magic day to come where after you try hard enough you never incur anymore criticism and you feel good enough, but in the meantime those who are so sure of themselves are devouring the innocent, virtually wholly unchecked and every bully, every shaming comment meant to put you down and shut you up is a type of  weaponry used by those behaving inhumanely and projecting their diminished humanity onto you. Don’t let them do it. If you care how you affect other people you are top notch in my book and every shortcoming you have tell everyone to STFU about and keep going. Your inability to wow a crowd or rock a swimsuit for a magazine or even speak to a stranger or your emotional outburst and lack of attention to your house when you’re depressed.. any and everything that you feel ashamed about, you give it the middle finger for me. Your voice in your own head and how you see yourself is where it starts and YOU are who I need to join me in this fight with the odds insanely against me and the rest who fall into their snare. I need you to keep trying,I need you to fight to see for yourself what really matters and what is left because there are no superheroes or quick fixes and everytime you feel empathy for someone and want to take their pain or help, this is how. You become strong and you fight for reason, compassion, you fight the voices that degrade and throw away human beings but you start with your own.If you want to talk, text me. Might take some time but I’ll be there and I will not judge anything so if you just need to vent things you feel shame about I am a good sounding board I have discovered. I don’t have any answers for you but I am another human being who values you. Naj is doing great btw he’s facing his own bullies but he’s got an expert on his side and an amazing dad and uncle. I have an extremely bright gorgeous life ahead and I see it on the horizon. I almost said if I don’t reach it I will die trying but there are 3 amazing guys in the next room that love me, a gorgeous brilliant sister a few minutes away, my mom with her endless Love, compassion, years of memories and experience that I hope to be able to properly learn from and appreciate, this genius niece who is so much like me at her age but better and actually likes me. I could keep going. If you looked in the mirror today and thought anything besides “Damn fine bitch, world’s lucky to have me!” then go apologize please. Maybe you won’t mean it but you can get there. I may not be able to stop him. There may be Hell on Earth that I have yet to see, but the people who love us and are waiting for us to meet and love them, they are what matters now. You are what matters to me now. He used to tell me I would gain great wisdom from him and help him change the world. I did gain wisdom, I won’t give him credit for that, I dug it out of the ashes of what he left behind. If that’s possible then imagine what you can do

[survivor-mountmerapi]

Ep. 12: “This round feels like a season of glee” - Steven

Anastasia

So I did something finally. I flipped on the newbies and sent Madi home. Honestly the only thing I did differently was actually think about the game and numbers. Plus I talked to people and made a really good bond with DeNara. I'm also a little better with Raffy, not that it matters bcs we are somehow getting Raffy outta here I think. I know the next competition is endurance and that's apperantly Raffy's strong suit. So frick. But I know where everything stands for once. I know who is working with who I THINK. So I just need to survive next round and gain the numbers.

Gian

My revenge is coming for being left out of this vote. Idk when and how I'll do it but I will do whatever it takes.

DeNara

Thank goodness I survived this vote! All thanks to Anastasia! I need a brain break, I am so tired now lol

Raffy

An hour before tribal council, Elle decided that she would give me the immunity necklace. The reasoning she told me is that we need a strong 4 votes to cause a tie. Anastasia told DeNara that she would be flipping on Madi and Gian by voting Rachel (which is what that side thought we were doing). Because of this, I wanted to use my SWP since they would have a 4-3 majority. However, Elle believed that we could not trust Anastasia until after tribal. Anastasia could be lying and wanting me to play the SWP (which Madi and Gian happily spread around) so the newbies would have 4-3. Despite this, I wanted to be safe because I was starting to worry that Madi would play her idol on herself. The compromise would be that Elle would give me the immunity necklace which did occur. Finally, the alliance's acting paid off as Madi misplayed the idol which caused her to get voted out. Now, the Faes alliance is the majority alliance. Wig.

I have new worries going into this round. Anastasia really wants to do big moves, so she should want to vote me out now that Madi is gone. My other worry is that Anastasia is much more loyal and is a solid ally for DeNara, not me. This means, if DeNara was so inclined, she could get the numbers to vote me out. DeNara is going to get a lot of power the further we get. It's very interesting to see what the breakdown is. Due to this, I have decided to keep my door open with Gian. Steven agreed that we could potentially work with Gian to hide behind him as a shield. Also, this is kind of an emotional thing because I really do feel close to Gian. I do not know what kind of move I'd do to keep Gian this round. If he wins immunity, then it would be great and I would not have to do any maneuvering. However, in all scenarios except one, I am betraying my allies which is not a good look for me. My idea is to finally get Rachel out this round, so it would keep Gian in the game while keeping my allies good with me.

Raffy

I got on call with Gian earlier today to express a desire to work with him to target Anastasia or DeNara. I was doing a lot of talking during the call which had me worry as he seemed to just be taking in this information without providing any back. This had me skeptical on whether or not he wanted to work with me. My skepticism was correct. According to DeNara, Gian told Anastasia that I want to target her for being a wildcard this round. He used the information I gave him against me. However, thanks to my very good relationship with DeNara, I am now in the know that he does not want to work with me. Bye Gian. Say hi to Madi in jury for me. I might just use my SWP just to be sure. Plus, it forces Anastasia to target Gian instead of me for this round.

Raffy

The current plan is for DeNara to tell Anastasia that she is willing to flip after a bit of reluctance. In actuality, we are just trying to make them think that Gian is the vote. At tribal, we will all vote for Rachel instead in case there is an idol. I am VERY nervous for this tribal. I do not want to be here. According to DeNara, Elle would be the person the newbies vote for if I leave which is perfectly fine with me. I need to survive. I have to get to F6. There's really no guarantee that this plan even works in the first place. And does DeNara even trust me after hearing all that information from Gian's rat mouth? UGH. The paranoia is way too high for my liking.

DeNara

Honestly this game is so tiring, why do I torture myself with this stress? Oh because I love Survivor that's why. Lol. Soooooo Anastasia wants to flip on Raffy, Steven and Elle and take Raffy out of the game because he is a threat. Which means I am in the middle....AGAIN. It is Raffy, Elle, and Steven vs. Gian, Rachel and Anastasia. I want to stay with Raffy, Elle and Steven and take out Rachel this vote and then flip and take Raffy out next vote so I can keep the numbers but I am super super super nervous of Raffy. I caught Raffy in a lie today. I talked to Gian and he said he was on call with Steven and Raffy earlier and that Raffy was throwing my name out because I have a good relationship with Elle, Rachel and Anastasia (which I do). I called Steven and he admitted that the 3 of them did talk, but he said that Raffy was saying Rachel the whole time, not me. BUT when I went on call with Raffy, Steven and Elle I told Raffy that Gian said he went on call with him and he started to make an excuse saying he was at school all day and that wasn't true. THEN Steven said to Raffy that he already told me they were on call so Raffy had to back track..... All the newbies are saying to Raffy that they are voting for me.... so I am scared Raffy is working with the newbies to get me out since I have become such a threat.

Steven says it wouldn't make any sense for Raffy to flip and get me out now, but if they all think I have become a bigger threat than Raffy, he could very well flip and take me out. I really really hope Raffy is being honest about wanting to vote Rachel out or I am super hecked tomorrow. Here is to hoping I am in the game after the next tribal!!!!!!!

Gian

After a very insightful conversation with the VL, I've decided to grab the game by the balls and attempt to get out the kingpin of the game (again) or at least weaken him by taking out one of his minions. I'm being super careful this time about everything. Saying the right things to the right people can cause panic and paranoia and victimizing myself from the last vote--I'm using that to my advantage. Let's hope this pays off. If not, at least I'm leaving with a big swing!

DeNara

My morning of paranoia continues. I don't think Raffy will flip because it would be a stupid move rn, but I do think I need to be careful. This will likely be the last time I can truly play the middle like I have been.

I feel so bad about lying to Anastasia because she did save me, but this is what is best for my game. I also feel bad for Rachel because we have gotten close and I dont want to vote her out. Really I want Gian out next but I have to stick with my alliance.

Rachel

I love the misconceptions of this game. Even if i'm on the outside. That was an excellent play by the returnees. I am so sad to see Madi go! She was with Gian and I since day 1. I can never repay her for using her idol for me. I am just shocked Anastasia flipped too, but I understand her reasoning (even though i thought we we're a solid 4). Hopefully we can make a big move this round and if not, we'll go out trying! I just hope Gian and I are truly not at the bottom. I wish we got Raffy out sooner, but only cause he is such a great player-socially and strategically.

Elle

I'm in class rn lol but here's a convo I just had with Dylan in my Host Chat 10:10 AM VL: The amount of lies I've heard and confirmed they are lies before 9am is absolutely terrifying to me 😅 GUYS THIS IS GONNA BE SO MESSY OMG Dylan, 10:12 AM wild what all is happening 10:14 AM so yesterday, gian went on call with steven and raffy to vote denara out but then on our alliance call, raffy tried to deny any meeting when denara asked, until steven was like "no okay we called, to vote out rachel" and now denara is being a double agent trying to convince the newbies shes gonna vote for raffy in exchange for safety so it seems like maybe the newbies dont actually want denara out and are trying to scare her into siding with them? why raf and steven are lying i dont know Dylan, 10:18 AM spicy [tiktok voice] that’s suspicious...that’s weird re: raffy and steven 10:20 AM mhm?? like it's fine if they're tricking the newbies but why lie to us anyway im perfectly out of the direct loop completely because now ppl think im completely in raffy's pocket but also that me and denara are probs close so im just "she's there." Dylan, 10:22 AM oof not a fun position to be in 10:23 AM nah im fine w it i hate lying lmao this way im mostly just watching it happen while talking to ppl about like, good playlists khjdlsajldj

Anastasia

So I got Denara on board with teaming with the newbies and together we will all take down Raffys trio hopefully. We will most likely target Elle instead of Raffy so we can take out one of his minions. I think the safest option would be to vote Steven because I think nobody would expect that but Gian insists Elle. I think Elle has an idol. Lets just hope she feels safe. ALSO IM SO GLAD IM SAFE but now im just worried for my future because I obviously need numbers to move on.

Elle

D: I don't knowwww whats happening okay so basically it seems like neither side has an idol and is psyching the other out that they do but probability wise at least one person has an idol rn??? So idk ugh :/ what the heck is going on anyway I'm making a playlist and i need new music for it send me a song recc everyone reading this like a month later i promise ill give any song a listen🎶

Raffy

The plan seems to be going well. DeNara has successfully infiltrated the newbie group and is leaking their shit. According to her, the newbies are scared that I have an idol and want to target Elle instead. I would love to push this narrative, but I don't know how. If I can get them to target Elle over me, then this would be great. However, I do believe now that they do not have an idol based on all that DeNara has spilled on their paranoia. It should be a successful 4-3 with Rachel getting the boot. Then, I am guaranteed F5 in this game.

Steven

This round feels like a season of glee where people are just trying to hit plot points with no rhyme or reason

Steven

https://youtu.be/xfJ6x988Dqw

DeNara

I am in the middle and so stressed. Do I vote Rachel or Raffy?!?!?!?! Maybe it is me

DeNara

I am so stressed... oh my gosh! If I get voted out, it was a great move by the others and I will regret not voting Raffy

[honeeypeach]

50 questions

tagged by: @not-a-youtuber (like a month ago but i’m lazy sorry dude, thank you for tagging me!!)

rules: answer all the questions, add one of your own and tag as many people as there are questions

1. coke or pepsi? coke, i’m convinced that anyone who says they prefer pepsi is lying

2. disney or dreamworks? probably disney just because i think disney has more iconic movies, but dreamworks has made some great stuff too (*cough* spirit *cough*)

3. coffee or tea? tea, i like coffee cake and coffee chocolates but i don’t like actual coffee that much

4. books or movies? if this means “in general do you prefer reading or watching movies” i honestly can’t choose because i love both so much, but if it means “when there’s a book and a movie version of something which do you usually prefer” then i’d say book, movies just can’t go into the same detail and they usually fuck up the way you imagined the characters 

5. windows or mac? i think macs are technically probably better because they’re more advanced and have better virus protection but i find windows so much more user-friendly tbh

6. dc or marvel? definitely marvel, what the hell are dc doing at the moment, i’m still angry that suicide squad had so much promise and they somehow managed to make it shit

7. xbox or playstation? i’ve never played either except my playstation 2 when i was like 8, and even then i only played buzz junior and singstar, i’m not really into gaming

8. dragon age or mass effect? i don’t even know what these are ngl but i’m guessing video games?

9. night owl or early riser? i’m a night owl, hence me deciding to fill out a tag game at 3:00am

10. cards or chess? cards, i don’t know how to play chess 

11. chocolate or vanilla? in general i love everything chocolate but if we’re talking ice cream then vanilla all the way

12. vans or converse? vans, i own a lot of vans

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar? i’m assuming these are something to do with gaming again but i literally have no idea what/who they are 

14. fluff or angst? i like to write angsty stuff but i prefer to read fluff, especially when i used to read fanfiction i would always read cute stories because it was a way of imagining characters living on happily after the show/book was finished, who wants to read about their favourite characters being miserable

15. beach or forest? i find forests so peaceful and beautiful but i gotta go with beach, there isn’t much better than an evening walk along the beach watching the sunset

16. dogs or cats? it’s so so so hard to choose, i like them equally but i think i’d rather own a cat (at the moment i have a dog and i love her so much but like when i’m older and have my own place, i just feel like cats are easier)

17. clear skies or rain? rain!! i get so excited when it starts raining, especially when it rains at night

18. cooking or eating out? eating out, take that in whatever way you will

19. spicy food or mild food? spicy food, i drench everything in chill sauce

20. halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas? i am such a sucker for christmas, i just love the atmosphere

21. would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot? a little too hot, my feet are cold rn and it’s killing me

22. if you could have a superpower, what would it be? flying

23. animation or live action? i prefer movies with actors to animations in general but like for kids films that were originally animation which they then make into live action, i always prefer the animated version

24. paragon or renegade? i have no idea what these are

25. baths or showers? baths, i take a bath literally every day which sounds wasteful but it’s not much more wasteful than a shower for me because i always spend ages in the shower

26. team cap or team ironman? team cap

27. fantasy or sci-fi? shit that’s such a hard question... probably fantasy

28. do you have three or four favourite quotes, if so, what are they? there are way too many amazing quotes for me to be able to even begin to answer this question at this time of night (morning), so i’m gonna pass

29. youtube or netflix? i do watch a fair few youtubers but i would definitely choose netflix any day, there’s so much more to choose from

30. harry potter or percy jackson? always percy jackson, tbh i don’t even like harry potter that much

31. when do you feel accomplished? when i feel like i’ve made someone’s day better through my actions (even if i just smile at them or compliment them), or if i feel like i’ve raised awareness about something i feel passionately about

32. star wars or star trek? star wars i think, but i haven’t seen the originals of either, only the recent films

33. paperback or hardback books? hardback

34. horror or rom-com? i’m a hopeless romantic so rom com any day, although i like watching horror with my friends and scaring myself shitless

35. tv shows or movies? tv shows because i have a short attention-span, but i love movies too

36. favourite animal? my top 5 favourites would probably be amur leopards, arctic foxes, red foxes, sloths and giraffes

37. favourite genre of music? pop, pop-punk, pop-rock, indie, alternative idk

38. least favourite book? i can’t think of my least favourite, if i don’t like a book i usually just give up on it

39. favourite season? i think i’d have to go with spring, i’ve been really appreciating spring this year

40. song that’s currently stuck in your head? freeze your brain from heathers the musical

41. what kind of pyjama’s do you wear? usually a short-sleeved pyjama top and long-sleeved bottoms, and a dressing gown when i’m downstairs with my family before i go to bed

42. how many existential crises do you have on an average day? probably only one on a good day, on a bad day up to four 

43. if you can only choose one song to be played at your funeral, what would it be? i kinda don’t want to answer this in case i make the wrong choice and die really soon and then they find this post and play the song i choose (although that’s stupid because if i don’t give people some idea of what i want then they’ll just choose themselves)... but maybe photograph by ed sheeran? i feel like that would be kinda cute

44. favourite theme song to a TV show? the friends theme, it makes me so happy whenever i hear it

45. harry potter movies or books? the books

46. you can make your OTP become canon but you’ll forget that tumblr exists. will you do it? i don’t really have an otp at the moment and pretty much all otps i’ve had in the past have been canon so this is kinda irrelevant to me, but no i don’t think i’d take that deal, suffering is all part of the shipping experience

47. do you play an instrument and if so, what is it? i used to play piano for ages but i barely practised so i never got that good, and i can kinda play ukulele sometimes but i’m pretty shit at that as well 

48. what is the worst way to die? i mean i’m sure there’s plenty of appalling ways to die that i can’t even think of but like if we’re talking everyday causes of death then probably a terminal disease, because you know you’re gonna die and you feel yourself deteriorating 

49. if you could be entirely invisible for a day, what would you do? i don’t know, maybe sneak on an aeroplane and get a free holiday

50. (my question) if you could have personally witnessed anything in history what would it be? i actually don’t have a definitive answer to my own question but i know i would have loved to have seen martin luther king’s i have a dream speech

i’m tagging: @punkrockcenturies, @etherealiero, @edgystrawberry, @cinderblxckprincess, @awkwardlittlenugget, @arabellasroses, @ironic-as-dan, @ughuwish, @unfunnytbh, @adultscreaming, @shitpostiiing, @quinnerself, @socially-youtube, @alien-sunflower-seed, @gingerhoneybee, @solitaryblueberry, @horsesdrinkingcoconutwater, @awkwardbookaddict, @iamsecretlyasloth, @imrealbadatusernames, @heyheyarnold, @multigaydom, @sammelquest, @converseandnetflix, @the-unusual-forever, @just-slightly-fucked-up, @bandsandpoetry, @eylittlered, @klancesblueballs, @ohmyguac, @musical-tinphony, @gay-fireplace, @ur-my-illusion, @aliensextape, @wooaaaahhh, @troyestypo, @act-like-this-is-a-clever-url, @hearteyeshowel1, @fizzydizzy, @lmao-gaaaayyyy, @th3kintsugi, @fragilememe, @littlespencie, @fine-garbage, @cantcoverupwhatyouvedone, @clear-daze, @lilstrawberrymoon, @diswhorted, @yellowsuggestion, @hopeless-souls-and-happy-faces <3 

[creampuff-earper]

Kate McKinnon Fanfiction. Foldingchairs and the city of dreams. Chapter 10

Hey guys, I’ve decided to post my fanfic about Kate McKinnon on here. You can find it on AO3 as well: 

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8275334/chapters/18957797

Summary: This fanfiction tells the story of a fan, just like any of us, meeting Kate and everything that happens after that.It takes off at SNL, later on Nino will be there and Kate is the most amazing person in the world. What could one want more?

Rated M 

Chapter 10

I look at the text one more time, just waiting to be sent out to the person that had me in her grip ever since that phone call last week. I fiddle with my fingers and contemplate if it's the right thing to do. She’d hurt me so bad with something as simple as not texting back, if I let her back in that meant I was, once again, putting myself in a position where she could really hurt me. I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to feel that vulnerable, and risk getting hurt by her again.

I look up from my phone and spot the enormous Ghostbusters poster on my bedroom wall. I let my eyes wander over the paper and finally, they land on the character that had started this all. Holtzmann changed my life ever since I saw her on the big screen. After falling head over heels for this goofy weirdo, it wasn't long until I found out about the even goofier weirdo who had portrayed her. I was crazy if I didn't think that me meeting Kate, and actually getting to know her as she is in real life, was a gift that I shouldn't take for granted.  That weekend in New York had been one I had been dreaming about ever since I found out about Kate. But besides the amazing feeling of my dream of meeting her coming true, I had actually found someone who I could be myself with within a couple of moments, someone who had earned my trust ever since she admitted she had never done this before either, someone who had taken my breath away by just being herself.

Yeah... of course, it isn’t a question if I want to talk to Kate again, because I do, but it’s about daring to take a leap of faith and trusting her not to hurt me again. That’s what makes it so hard. I’ve already been hurt too many times in my life, I don’t really need any more pain or heartbreak. But she promised me. And I believe her.

Here goes to nothing....

20:12 M: Hey Kate, I am really sorry about drunk texting you last night... That wasn't supposed to happen... But I have thought about what you said on the phone and I really want to try again talking again... Not talking to you was very hard and I can't imagine my life rn without it... So that means I forgive you, but please, please promise me to never ditch me like that again...

I release a breath when the message is sent and shows to be delivered. I lock my phone and hook it up to the charger. Hopefully, in the morning, I’d wake up to a message that said something like ‘I’ve missed you too’ or ‘Thank you for forgiving me’ or maybe even ‘I’ll never hurt you again, now let’s get married and have 3 children’. Okay yeah, that’s probably never going to happen, but a girl can dream, right? Really, though, who am I kidding?

I fluff up my pillow and let my head sink into the soft fabric, closing my eyes and resting my still very hung over body. Just as I am about to drift off my phone buzzes and suddenly I’m upright again and reaching for my phone.

20:18 K: It's fine Mykah, I get it. You don't need to lie to me. I hope you and this girl are happy! You don't owe me anything. It was nice getting to know you. Bye.

My breathing starts to get uneven and I can practically feel my heart beating in my throat. What did she just say? Did she just say bye as in ‘We'll never talk again’ bye?! But I just told her I forgave her.... And how in the hell could she know about the girl...

And suddenly it hits me. Of course... How could I be that stupid? We’re Facebook friends. She saw the video of the karaoke bar when Alex tagged me in it... Fuckkkkkkk. I run my hands over my face and sigh. This isn’t how it was supposed to happen...

Something inside of me says I need to tell her it was nothing and that it didn't mean anything to me. But that’s a lie.. I loved spending the night with Alex and getting attention from someone who is actually interested in me. Just the thought of seeing her again is giving me goosebumps. That’s not really something I can just ignore..

Still, the thought of actually losing Kate forever makes me sick to my stomach. I couldn't just say goodbye to her after that phone conversation we just had, a conversation that had felt so real and honest, yet unbelievable at the same time. How on earth was I going to fix this…

------- 3 months later -------

"Hey babe"

"Hmmmm"

"I'm going out with some friends tonight, is that alright?"

I look up and see my drop-dead gorgeous girlfriend changing into something that made my fingertips tingle.

"Again?" I ask, and as she catches my eyes I silently plead with her not to go and just stay in with me.

"Sorry babe, it's Tessa’s birthday and she decided last minute that we're going out, and she really expects me to come..." She says and continues getting ready.

"But we haven't seen each other all week and I thought I would have you for myself tonight... You know..." I plead and raise my eyebrows at the last part of the sentence.

She had been staying at her place all week because it was more convenient with her night shifts she took at the hospital. However, that also meant that when she worked I slept, and vice versa. I really, really hated the night shift weeks.

"I know babe, but I really can't bail on another party, Tessa and the others are counting on me to be there..."

I sigh as I feel myself giving up. There’s no way I was ever going to be able to convince her not to go to this party.

"I'll make it up to you, I promise!" She says and blows me a kiss from where she's standing in the bathroom, applying her make-up.

"You better... I'm about to blow over here..." I groan and get back to the book I was reading on my bed.

After a minute or two, my girlfriend emerges from the bathroom, almost causing me to choke on my own spit when I look at her. Ho-Ly shit.

She's wearing a tight, short dress that leaves nothing to the imagination. Her hair’s pinned up and the lipstick on her lips is a shade of red that makes my blood boil.

"You are not going out like that" I simply state and have to control the urge to rip that dress off her perfect body right then and there.

"Oh, aren't I?!" She grins as she slowly walks over to the bed.

"Nope... No way in hell..." I choke out and watch her intently gazing at me with a small smirk on her lips and a wicked shade in her eyes. She’s up to something...

"Says who?" She seductively responds, finally reaching the bed and motioning for me to sit on the edge.

I obey immediately, allowing her to step between my legs, her hands coming up to rest on my shoulders. This woman is going to be the death of me one day...

"That's what I thought..." She smirks and lets her hands roam down my neck.  

I’m at a loss for words. All I can see and feel is her beautiful body so close to mine. We haven’t been intimate for over a week and my body is reacting to her in an almost primal way. I feel her slowly bend toward me and pull my head towards her simultaneously. Just when I think she’s going to kiss me she tilts my head to the side and ghosts her lips over my ear.

"I'll make it up to you, I promise..." I shiver as her hot breath hits my skin and groan as I finally comprehend what she just said.

"Nooo nooo, please. Please, I only need 20 minutes... Please, Alex, you can't do this to me, looking all hot and bothered and then leave me to let other people look at you, it's not fair..."

"Mykah, I can't, I'm sorry I really have to leave... And you know I'm yours, let them watch, you'll be the one I'm going home to in the end"

I put my hands on her hips and get up from the bed. "You better make it up to me so good that I won’t be able to walk straight for a week.” I groan into her ear and now it's her turn to shiver.

"Deal..."

"Deal... And now leave before my self-control falters and I'm gonna rip that dress of your body!" I say and give her a light peck on her cheek, making sure not to mess up her lipstick, being the considerate girlfriend I am.

"Thanks, babe, I'll try to be as silent as possible when I get home, kay? Have a good night!"

"You too! Have fun!" I say as she waves one last time at me and a second later I hear the front door close with a thump.

I sigh and slouch back onto the bed. Now what? It was 08:30 pm on a Saturday night and I had no plans. Usually, I didn't mind some alone time but ever since Alex and I started dating I really wanted to hang out with her all the time. I finally decide to text Alice, asking if she has any plans for tonight, and I get a simple reply that just said

Be there in 10 minutes’.

We spend the night watching TV-shows and drinking beer. By the time the credits of the 5th episode of How to get away with murder roll, we've finished 2 six-packs of beers and I'm starting to feel a bit light headed.

"Hey, Myk..." Alice starts and lingers when she spots Frank taking his shirt of very slowly.

"Yes, my dear hetero?" I ask and laugh at her as she continues to watch the show with a small smile on her face.

"Weird question, but have you maybe seen the news about Kate lately?" She finally says after the scene ends, and my fussy brain suddenly sobers up at the mention of her name. We haven’t really talked about her ever since Kate told me she didn’t want any contact anymore.

"Uhhh, no"

"Hmmmm" She hums and continues watching Frank making out with a way hotter Laurel.

"Why'd you ask?"

"Nah, nothing..." She mumbles and she takes another gulp of her beer.

"Alice, what the hell. Don't mention her and then say it's nothing..." I say, getting royally pissed off now. She knows how hard it’s been for me to accept that I fucked it up. Let alone try to forget about Kate when I started dating Alex 3 months ago. All in all, it hadn’t been easy.

"Alright alright, I'm sorry, I just happened to read it, and I thought maybe you had too..."

"Read what?!"

"That she's promoting her new movie and she's coming to Amsterdam next week..."

I don't know what happens exactly, but suddenly all of the color drains from my face, and my heart feels like it’s trying to beat out of my chest.

"Wh..., what" I stammer and Alice watches me with concern.

"Myk are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost...”

"Al... Are you... Are you serious?!"

"I read it on her own page... So I think it's pretty serious, yeah..." She carefully says and watches me absorb the information.

"Holy shit" I breathe out and fall back into the couch. The realization of her being in the same country as me hits me, hard. What does this mean... Am I going to see her, does she want to see me, am I even allowed see her? Do I actually want to see her?

What would happen if I do see her… I’m with Alex now. Shit. Alex. I never told her about the whole Kate thing...

In my train of thoughts, I don't even hear my phone vibrating on the table. It isn't until Alice holds it in front of my face that I realize Alex is calling me.

I quickly answer the call and hold it to my ear.

"Hey, babe" I say and hear thumping music and loud chatter in the background.

"Baabyyyy!!! Alex yells and I have to keep the phone away from my ear.

"Hey you, Alex is everything alright? Why are you calling?" I say, not able to hide the concern in my voice. She usually never calls me when she’s out.

"Yeah yeah, all's cool... I just wanted to tell you that I really wish you were here! It's soo fun! I wanna dance with you and make everyone jealous that you’re my girlfriend...." She stammers, struggling with some of the words in her drunken state.

"That's sweet of you.... Next time I'll come with okay?"

"Yeahhh!"

"Alright baby, have fun and look after yourself okay?"

"Okay, you too! Love you!"

I say nothing and end the call.

If I wasn't already on the verge of dying already, I definitely am now...

I let the phone drop from my hands and turn around into the couch and yell my lungs out. Doc comes running over and starts barking, making me realize just how hard I’m yelling.

"Myk stop! What is it? What happened?!" Alice yells and pulls me from the cushions, pulling on my arm to get me to look at her.

I look at her with a defeated look on my face. How on earth is this evening happening? This is too much to handle at once.

"Talk to me, please." Alice softly says, knowing how I shut down when things are just too much for me to handle.

I clench my jaw and hit my head, just talk you stupid ass...

"Alex just said, she told me- well....she said ‘love you’. "

"Oh..."

"Yeah"

"And you didn't say it back..."

"No"

"Hmmm........ I shouldn't have said she was coming huh..."

"I don't know..."

"What are you going to do now?"

"I don't know... Dig a hole and never come out again? That seems most fitting in this situation."

"Yeah, that sounds about right..."

"AL!!!"

"Sorry, I'm trying to process this shit show the very best my compromised brain is capable of right now, give me a minute!"

"Maybe she just said it as a matter of saying... You know..."

"Uhu"

"And she's drunk..."

"She probably just blabbed it out without thinking about it... I tell you I love you all the time and I never mean it..."

"Sometimes I wish you weren't such an asshole who has to joke about literally everything..." I sigh and put my head in my hands.

"And sometimes I wish you'd never met Kate, but hey, we can't all get what we want, can we?" Alice spits out, and it almost sounds bitter.

I tilt my head to look at her and she looks annoyed.

"What did you say?" I spit back, for some reason getting mad at her for saying that.

"I'm just saying that if you hadn't met her, it just would have been easier..."

I sense she is going somewhere with this, but I dare her to actually say it out loud...

"How?"

"You know Myk, I think you know darn well that if Kate hadn't been in the picture, you wouldn't have freaked out about Alex saying those words just now because you would have said them right back. I know you... You don't do things halfway, but don't tell me you haven't doubted your relationship with Alex every time she gave you a reason to. You say you’ve let go of Kate, but deep down I know you are still hoping for a day where she is just going to show up and tell you she is sorry. And you know what the sad thing is, if she did, you'd take her back in a heartbeat... And for what? You saw her 1 day, 1 freaking day Mykah... You don't know her. You know someone on the other side of the world you happened to fall in bed with 8 months ago. That's not real... Alex is, and you are not being fair to her if you are going to keep this up...”

"Are you done?" I spit out after a second of silence from Al's side.

"Yeah.."

"Great, get out...." I state and point at the door.

"Mykah, what?"

"I said get out"

"Don't be ridiculous"

"Get the fuck out of my house Alice, now!" I'm practically breathing fire right now and the longer Alice stays in my sight the angrier I get. There is a second of shock on Al's face before it's replaced with a hatred. She shakes her head and gets up from the couch.

"You know what Mykah, fuck you. I'm always here for you and now you pull this... Fuck you and your problems, I'm done." She yells back and grabs her stuff and slams the door behind her.

The silence that overtakes my home if deafening.

I fall back into the couch and take a deep breath.

I fucked it all up....

------------------------------

When Alex returns in the dead of night and slips in the bed beside me, I pretend to be asleep. She softly kisses me on my cheek and slides her cold front against my warm back. "Goodnight Mykah" she whispers and within a couple of minutes I hear her doze off.

I feel sick to my stomach because of the guilt. Alice was right. After a couple of hours of cooling off after throwing Alice out, I had started to put what she said into perspective. I had convinced myself that I was over Kate, that I was really committed to this relationship with Alex.

I adored this girl and the physical attraction was through the roof with her. But thinking back now, that’s probably also what our relationship is built on.

After that night at the bar we got together for a couple of dates and at some point, we only needed to lock eyes to know we had to find a place where we could ravish each other.

It was exciting and thrilling to want somebody that much for the both of us, and because it was happening so often anyways we just decided being in a relationship was the logical thing to do.

Ever since that decision was made I felt that at some moments we weren't quite on the same page, but I had always thought that was just something that needed time to grow, especially after everything with Julie. A small tear escaped from the corner of my eye. If only she was still here... Things would have been so much easier. Kate would have stayed someone I could obsess over from across the ocean, and Alex and I had probably never met.

But she's not here. And that hurt like shit. She’s probably raging with anger up there because of how I’m behaving towards Alice. She has every right to. I shouldn't have snapped at Alice like that. But she made me realize the truth, something that been hard after months pretending everything was fine with Alex, and that I didn't miss Kate or wonder what was going on in her life. First thing this morning I was going to make it up to her. I couldn't figure this one out by myself, I needed her to do this with me, or I was going to lose my mind.

----------Tuesday evening--------------

So far Alice had slammed the door in my face 4 times, ignored all my calls and texts and made Josh come over to tell me she didn't want to hear anything from me. This was going to be harder than I had anticipated....

There’s also the fact that I’ve basically been ignoring Alex ever since she said those words, telling her that I was stressed out by work and didn’t have time to see her. Also, there was a constant nagging in the back of my head telling me I had to go to Amsterdam this weekend. So... I was definitely having a really awesome week so far...

I had told Alex not to come over tonight, but when she insisted, because she really wanted to watch MasterChef together, I eventually gave in. I didn't have the energy to keep fighting her on the matter and when she arrived that evening all cuddly and bubbly I had to try my best not to snap at her after only 10 minutes into the show.

She had done nothing wrong, so it wasn't fair. I just kept my mouth shut, watched the show and told her I was going to bed right after. Hoping she took it as a hint I wanted to sleep alone tonight, I pecked her lips and asked her if she would lock the door on her way out.

"But I was thinking of staying over tonight actually..."

I stop on my way to the bedroom and close my eyes; I had been dreading this moment ever since she convinced me to watch the show together. I swallow my chagrin about the matter and turn around to smile at her.

"Okay fine, but I'm going to sleep Al, I need to be up at 6 am tomorrow."

I see her face fall, but soon enough she is by my side grabbing my hand and walking with me to the bathroom. We brush our teeth in silence and I feel Alex glancing over at me every 5 seconds or so. When we finish she grabs my hand as I try to walk towards the bed and spins me around.

"Hey, I know work has you stressed, but you sure that's all? You've been really... I don't know... Ever since Saturday night you've been behaving weird..."

I look into her beautiful green eyes and see the pain flashing in them for a second.

"I'm sorry, Al. It's just I had this fight with Alice and she's not talking to me and it's just hard."

"Yeah, I know... I'm sorry about that..." She says softly and rubs my hand with her thumb.

I turn around again to continue my path towards the bed but when she speaks up again I stop and my heart breaks almost breaks.

"I know what I said that night on the phone Myk... Is that the reason you've been acting like this?"

I shrug my shoulders and sit down on the bed. With every second I feel myself closing up and if Alex isn't going to put a stop to it soon I wasn't going to be able to say anything at all.

I see Alex watching me with a hurt look in her eyes. "I knew it..." She walks over to take a seat next to me.

I close my eyes, finding it too hard to watch her being hurt by something I did.

"You didn't say it back..."

I slightly shake my head and clench my jaw, please don't ask, please don’t ask.

"Are you..."

No please Alex don’t, I plead with her in my head, but I know it's too late.

"Are you ever going to say it back?"

The silence that falls over us has so much tension it's almost suffocating.

"Please Mykah...."

I look up to her and see the tears form in her eyes and my heart breaks for the second time that night. I bring my hand up to wipe them away as they fall down her cheeks.

"I... I don't know...." I finally croak out.

"Why... what is it that makes you unsure?" She sobs, with wet cheeks and a runny nose.

"Please Al, it's not you okay? Please don't ever think that. You are an amazing woman and I do love you, just not in the way you want me to say it.... not yet"

I plead with her and rub her back, trying to soothe the sadness I caused.

"Is it because of Julie?"

"I don't... No... No this is not about Julie... I know for sure she would have approved of you. So no."

"Then what Mykah? Because I don't get it! The last 3 months have been amazing and now it feels like it has all gone to shit."

I look at the floor of my bedroom and try to figure out if telling Alex about Kate would be for the best, or if it would just make things worse... She deserves an answer, but I don't know if I have one.

"Tell me, please Mykah... Please..." She begs me and I take a deep breath.

“Okay, so uh… I went to New York in November. I went there by myself, to see SNL..."

"Huh, what?"

"Saturday Night Live, it's a comedy sketch show that airs every Saturday where comedians play out sketches about things that happened that week, like politics or just plain scenes that they've come up with. And they tape it live at the NBC studios in New York."

"Okay..." Alex breathes and is now facing me sideways on the bed. I keep my eyes focused on the floor, hoping to find some wisdom there about how on earth I was going to explain this to her.

"And I went there because I am a fan of one of the comedians who is part of the cast." I say and briefly glance at Alex who nods her head to make me continue.

"She's the same as the girl from Ghostbusters, the one where I have all the shirts of..."

"Holtzmann?"

"Yeah.... She's played by Kate McKinnon. So I went to New York to see her... And because of something that happened, I actually got to meet her after the show and we chatted for a bit and it was really amazing." I say and I try not to smile too much as I say it, my mind immediately going back to that night and replaying the moment I met Kate for about the millionth time.

"That's really nice Myk, but what does that have to do with us?" Alex asks and there's no turning back now. She should know.

"She contacted me after that night. She found me on Facebook and we texted for a bit, and then we went out to dinner, and from one thing came another and... I... I spent the night at her place..."

"Oh... But... It was one night, right? That doesn't mean anything..."

"It was a night, and a morning and when I got back we texted almost every possible hour of the day... And uhm... I know it's stupid and weird but I kinda... I fell for her that night and I have been falling for her ever since..."

I catch Alex closing her eyes and sigh in defeat in the corner of my eye and I know it's done...

"We haven't been texting anymore, not in the time that I have known you that is... Just so you know..."

She softly shakes her head and there's disbelieve in her eyes. Those beautiful green eyes that I wouldn't get tired of watching all day.

"So you’re telling me you can't do this because you are in love with someone you've seen 1 weekend? You do get that she's a celebrity and can take anyone home for that matter?"

"It was not like that Alex... At least, not for me."

She shakes her head and scoffs at me. "Mykah, I get that you are passionate about your TV shows and their actors but this is just ridiculous! Why are you holding on to something that never existed? And fucking up your real life because of it? I really don't believe you..."

I know I am not the victim in this situation but Alex's words hit me like a punch in the gut.

"I get that you don't get it..."

"So now what? You aren't even talking anymore, so what do you expect will happen. Because I’m not going to wait around for you to realize that I was right..."

The anger inside is starting to bubble up again and I clench my fists into the sheets from snapping once again. She didn't deserve that.

“I don't know what I want to happen Al. But I do know that I don't want to lose you.... and...."

"Yeah?"

"And that Kate is coming to Amsterdam this weekend..."

"What?!"

"She's promoting her new movie and Amsterdam is listed as a junket location."

Alice gets up from the bed and wipes her cheeks one last time before crossing her arms in front of her chest and looking at me.

"If you want to give us a chance Mykah, you don't go to Amsterdam this weekend.

If you do, you've made your decision and I'll pack my stuff and you will never see me again... I am not going to wait around until you get your head on straight and realize she’s a big mistake."

My eyes plead with her, silently asking her to please not force me to make this decision. It’s useless. She’s put her guard up and all I see are two cold green orbs boring right through me.

"Let me know" She bites back, and then rushes out of the room, slamming the front door behind her the same way Alice did last weekend.

I fall back onto the bed and sigh deeply. I’ve managed to make the two people who mean the most to me walk away from me in the timespan of 4 days.

And all that because someone on the other side of the world made me go crazy for her. This isn’t healthy, I can’t let my real life get influenced by something that was only real for one night and a morning.

I have to put a stop to this.

[survivingthejungle]

never fade away, part iv

-i cant tell y'all how much research ive done to write this realistically like im really educating myself here -also i made a playlist fr this hmu if u wanna listen to it -also im writing this while im home alone in my room happy new year lmfao

You had officially been a missing person for 8 days according to the GCPD. Within those days, you had been with nobody but Jerome almost exclusively. You were kept locked in his room all day and all night, and the only time you were ever allowed out was if Barbara and Tabitha decided they wanted to spend time with you. They were nice enough, for a couple of psychopaths, but they still made you tense up when they got near to you.

The same went for Jerome. He was dead set on making you dependent on him. Constantly telling someone that you were all they had and that no one would ever care about them except for you was a pretty well known abuse tactic. So was telling someone that you would do something harmful or irrational if they left you. And with you being 15 and not having a fully developed brain, and being hormonally unstable at this age, he was probably planning to keep up with these tactics until he had brainwashed you into believing it.

All you could hope to do was remind yourself constantly that he was lying. After all, in abusive relationships, it starts out small, and by the time it’s escalated to full blow abuse, the guilty party has already convinced their victim that when they are being told is true. You, on the other hand, had been snatched off the streets and had this all thrown in your face. If the abuse started off at it’s worst, there was no way he’d ever convince you to believe him, right?

Realistcially, you knew that as long as you remained strong-willed, he wouldn’t be able to get to you. All you could do was pray that you could manage to convince him that he had control over you while simultaneously remaining yourself.

Yesterday he came back to your shared room in the afternoon, after a morning of terrorizing the streets of Gotham. Your back was facing him. You sat on the cool tile floor of the bedroom, right in front of the glass window, starting out at the city. “Hey there,” he said, and you didn’t even have to look at him to know he was grinning. You could hear it in his tone. It amazed you that a person could smile that much, insane or not.

“Hi,” you responded, still not moving away from the window. You couldn’t help it, you missed freedom and being outside, no matter how bleak and dreary the city was. Anything was better than being stuck in one room with an escaped asylum inmate who was dead-set on having you for himself.

“(y/n), babe,” he said, sitting down on the floor next to you. His face was a little more serious now and he put an arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer to him. “Y'gotta stop starin’ out windows all day. It’s not good for your head.” He tapped your forehead with his free hand.

“Sorry.” You were still having to remind yourself to not fight back at him. “I’ll stop.”

He smiled. “Y'know, if you keep being good, Theo might let ya go to that gala that's in like...2 days. Yeah, me n’ Babs are gonna put on a show, do a little magic, kill a few people…” Your heart started racing. You were fully aware that he was a terrible person and had kind of figured out by now that he had killed people before, but the fact that he was able to imply it so nonchalantly was unsettling to you. “‘Course, ’m not sure if I want you to see all that. You’re too pure for that sorta stuff… Hey, if I let you go out, you won’t try anything, right?“

"No. I won’t.” Lie. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind you would try to escape if you were given the chance. But he didn’t know that.

He smiled again. “Good! And why is that?” It was like he was… quizzing you, or something. In a way, you guessed he kind of was. After all, he had been trying to brainwash you into being completely dependent on him, and you were going to do and say whatever you had to to convince him it was working.

“Because you’re all I have. And… you would find me anyway… and if I tried to leave... someone might get hurt.”

"Exactly, baby girl. 'M glad we're on the same page." Suddenly he straightened his posture and became more alert. "Ooh!" He pointed his finger in the air. "Reminds me. You're famous!" He stood up and grabbed your hand so that you would follow him. He grabbed a newspaper off a dresser by the door. You both sat down on the end of the bed as he handed you the paper. "Look!" He pointed to the second page and then rested his chin in the palm of his hand, staring at you. You looked at the paper and your eyes were almost immediately drawn to a picture of... you?

It was a picture taken by one of your friends from school. You were grateful that at least it wasn't a yearbook picture. The caption above read: MISSING PERSON: Have You Seen This Girl? in big, bold letters. The caption below was just your name, age, and the number to contact the police department. "Oh," was the only word you could think to utter.

"Yeah," he said, "'M gonna have to talk to them about that. You aren't missing!"

What? "I'm not?"

He scoffed. "'Course not! You're exactly where you're supposed to be. With me."

"Oh. Right."

He took the paper and set it down on the bed, standing up and taking you with him. All he did then was hold you close. One arm was around your shoulders, causing you to be pressed up against his chest. The other was running his fingers through your hair. Your heart was racing, and at the same time you felt calm. It was weird and made you want to crawl out of your skin. He rocked the both of you side to side. "I can't wait to show you off later. You'll look so pretty, you'll steal the show."

Just play along, you reminded yourself. "I'm looking forward to it." To getting away from you, creep, you thought.

"Good." He sighed. "Babs is gonna wanna dress you up. But we can wait till tomorrow, right?"

"Right." You were monotone, but inwardly you felt giddy as ever. Two days until you would escape. You would do everything you could to see him behind bars after that. People who kidnapped fifteen year old girls because they were weirdly obsessed with them deserved to be locked into a padded room for a rest of their lives.

But while you occupied your time daydreaming of your freedom, you couldn't help but feel like your life would never be the same once you escaped. Of course it won't be, you told yourself, people who get taken by crazy boys who try to brainwash them are never the same afterward. But you would be damned if you let the experience control your life once you were free.

YAAAAAAAA YEET! 'tisn't over yet......... of course.......... i am very tired and feel weird and so if this chapter is dumb it's because i don't feel like myslef rn,,,,,,,,,, very weird........,,,,,,,,, PLEASE for the loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee let me know if u like it, i am workin on other stuff atm too i swEAR i haven't forgotten abt those other request im just busy and tired a lot anyway YEAH here u go hope u enjoy :-)

[survivormuxloe]

Episode 13: "so things went from Guatemala to Guatepeor” - Ahrre

david REALLY GOT BRAVE TRYNA COME FOR ME WHEN HIS ASS AINT IMMUNE HUH. aint it so.. vote me and ur ass gonna go... ijs!! rip my perf game but at least i was the last person to recieve votes so thats kinda cute.. it doesnt change the fact that im winning tho ALMFNBG like. just 3/4 more tribals to survive bitch.. give those immunity wins to me pls x :)))

LOWKEY MY ASS WAS NERVOUSSSS LIKE I DONT WANNA READ MY NAME ON THOSE PIECES OF PAPER AGAIN THO!!! altho my name is cute written out by anna highkey ngl.. maybe she'll write them in cursive for my winner reveal? x

my mind tho. rhys/tobi/ryan r all under my spell. missus mo and ahrre got brave and are gunna get a taste of hell when im not dying under exams lol x ALMFJHBFG

lvoe u gusys. xoxo ur winner scooty toots

Well fuck. David is gone. I’m in the minority. So now it’s just me and Ahrre. But I don’t want to settle for 6th or 5th place. I’ve made it this far I wanna make it to the end. So I’m going to try to wiggle my way through.

http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/41700000/Avengers-Endgame-2019-avengers-infinity-war-1-and-2-41740034-540-225.gif

So the situation is looking pretty grim, Rhys stuck with the majority, David the absolute unit is dead and I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the next one to go.

So right know things change as it's no longer about getting majority but rather get that group of 4 to cannibalize itself. Now the thing is that each of those 4 seem so confident in their position but only 3 make it to the end so that means at least one will end up being left out and that's just with a minimum level of snaking, but we know they are capable of way more shafty shit.

But their overconfidence in their position is not the only problem. It's also kinda hard when I've tried to blindside 3 of them. But hey at least you can't say I didn't try. Tobi is not willing to even tell me anything until tomorrow after we do the challenge. But he also says he's rooting for me as an underdog even if we're in oposite sides... Cheky fecker trying to get my jury vote...

As for the rest well I'll try to talk to them tomorrow, if I can commend Mo for something is that at least they might be more willing to work with him than me, which is clearly not a good thing for my game but eh wadda you do. I know for a fact by now everyone is gonna be saying that the plan is me going home probably 5-1 but if that's gonna end up being true or just a bluff for one of the 4 to get blindsided is still to see.

Either way I'm gonna try to stir some shit up and not be a voulnerable pleb waiting to be taken out or saved. Better dead than a goat.

These fattys are going down one by one... i love it... like highkey david going means that me and scott have to step up our physical games if we wanna take out ryan... someone else has to win immunity and then we can start pinning moves on ryan... I'm slowly repairing my relationship with ahrre by having a frank talk with him about our relationship in the game, which was both awkward but i think it helped??? im trynna work him pretty hard because he's a tough nut to crack but i think i can do it hehe... scott is working on mo but lets be real mo is easier to crack than ahrre, and honestly rhys' performance last tribal was good.. too good imo like.. i previously pinned him as an inactive goat but if he's able to connect with the other side that well and have them believe what he was saying, i have to give him props because that's some good plays in terms of benefiting our alliance for knowledge, bad jury management sure, but good for the alliance... at this point tbh,,, who the fuck cares about jury management... but then again it's important if you wanna win so maybe im just a dumbass

Well right now it’s final 6 and the question of a final 2 or 3 is up for debate because it could be either or.

After that tribal and David left, he tried to expose me when I had exposed myself already to the people he exposed me too. So sis there was no new tea.

Honestly now one of our 4 needs to go. The only one I would feel confident about going to the end with would be Ryan. Just as I feel he has done less. I’m super close with Scott, so I think right now I need to try and convince some people to vote out Ryan.

The only problem is I will probably need to convince Ryan and Scott or mo and ahrre. Mo and ahrre may not that me after lying to them two rounds in a row. And Scott seems to be strong for our alliance sticking to the end. So I’m going for this immunity as if I win it should all the confidence I need to make a move against my own.

I’m not feeling great. I don’t like a conversation I just had. It made me wanna quit. I’m not going to because I wanna do my best.

i really found an idol day 1 and made it to final 6 with it safe and sound.... ctfu how did this even happen, and Scott too we rly did that. the only thing about that is.... at least until we surpass final 5, there's always that worry that im gonna make a fool of myself with it and hnnnng. i feel like our 4 is solid af and yet, i'm still making myself paranoid that Tobi or even Rhys would perk up and randomly try to blindside me or Scott... but anyway yeah thats where my head at rn. i still don't talk to ahrre at all so he's a complete mystery and no idea if anyone else talks to him so that's great. Mo is an oddball still idk what to do w him kfsdfa

So I want to flip on my alliance this round. But 2 people outside my alliance are throwing me hardcore under the bus. Ok. So like how am I gonna make a move now.

pls god... lett this immunity challenge be in my favour alkfjnhfg i just want a win pls pls pls let me be guaranteed f4 lol

I just had a really good conversation with Tobi and it’s making me like really happy because this entire game I’ve gotten the short end of the stick. With people not thinking I don’t deserve to be here, that I’m a goat and people sending me condescending messages about my mistakes. It feels really nice to get praised for the good things. Don’t get me wrong I own up to my mistakes and I do my best to improve and change moving forwardss so I don’t make the same mistakes again. But usually the conversations that happen before that aren’t very happy, they’re needed and they end on a peaceful note but they don’t start out happy. But Tobi just praised me on my gameplay complimenting me and it’s such a good feeling. I think I might end up in fifth or sixth place but I’m still proud of myself and I’m going to keep fighting till the end.

so like... I'm really happy i won immunity but im kinda more annoyed with scott right now like... we had this big plan to take out ryan at 6 which is literally a perfect time now since 1) we can access numbers for it 2) he wont suspect it so the chance of an idol popping up is low 3) we can gain trust with ahrre and mo this way... but NOOOOOOOOO lets play with our emotions instead of our BRAINS and take out someone who has played a bad game and would be EASY to beat in the end like JESUS and i thought ahrre had his head up his ass... also scott is SO fucking confident know like he acts like he will 100% win against anybody in ftc and like sis... that's not the case... not if you're constantly confronting and arguing with mo and ahrre... use. ur. BRAIN.

Cemetery....

Anywho, this vote. Mo & Ahrre are voting me probably. So It seems to be a 4-2 vote. However an Idol may be played now more than ever, as I think this is the first time someone from the bottom hasnt had any hope of staying. (Dani, Felix & Jones were all blindsided , and Michael & David had some chance of staying). So one could easily be played. So ima try to push a 2-2-2 vote to save my ass.

so. (: I lost spelling bee. (: LAMDLFNFG

lowkey feel as if the words are suitable to the player tho. embarrass for ahrre as in that game is embarrassing. accommodate for Mo as in we have to accommodate for the fact that he’s a goat. Cemetary for rhys bc he makes us all wanna die @ tribals. handkerchief for me bc my ass gotta clean up ryan and tobi wanting to target each other.. and rhythm for tobi bc while hes in time rn that time is gonna run out soon :flushed:

i just dont want 6th ):

So I know it’s me and Ahrre on the chopping block. I just kinda wanted to make a quick plea. I really really wanna stay. I want to go as far as I can even if that’s just fifth. Not only to prove people wrong thinking I don’t deserve to be here, but also to prove to myself. Whatever decision you make tonight I respect wholeheartedly. But I’d love to go further.

I CACKLED @ THIS COPY PASTED PLEA.. MO BABY WYD

I’m currently making my plea to the others on why I deserve to stay. I’m proud of myself no matter the outcome but I’d love to go as far as I can.

So ahrre and mo are both kindve pleading for themselves. Mo just wants him to be saved where as ahrre is trying to flip people. He is trying to flip me again which is funny. Lowkey am a little worried just Incase it’s a ploy to get people to vote me or something. But he needs me and tobi to flip. So I think he won’t vote me which is great, incase a surprise idol is played.

soooo final 6 tribal. I definitely want Ahrre to leave finally, so how to make that happen. Scott informed me that mo/ahrre lowkey suspect i have an idol so wig. i would prefer if we went 4 strong on Ahrre bc I really don't think he has any powers, but the thing about that is i don't want to campaign for that to happen and make it look like i feel safe about idols... i don't want tobi or rhys to get suspicious and get the urge to flip on me/scott.. so kinda tricky. we'll see what happens

so recently scott and ryan have really been pounding on mo for his goatness and like... I took advantage of that hehe... I talked to mo and had a real heart to heart with him and like... I told him that he deserves more credit than he's getting and then more wholesome stuff and then BAM we got past the barrier we previously had and now we're totally cool!!... where ryan and scott burn bridges, im gonna build new ones!! so like that wasnt TOTALLY just for strategy like im not that big of an asshole... but its a mix of both. mo is a good kid and he gets too much backlash for his game.. and im gonna take advantage of that by showing up as his guardian angel hehe.. and who knows like this might pay off hugely when i need his vote at f5 to take out a bigger player but for now i'll stick to tending to his wounds that scott and ryan left.. and they really did come for him pretty hard... like REALLY hard so there is no harm in coming to him and helping him with his confidence and who knows, that might be a jury vote right there

Right so things went from Guatemala to guatepeor, I didn't win immunity I actually flopped at it in wonderful fashion it was quite beautiful really. But anyhow Tobi ended up winning it.

So I tried to talk to people and get them to do ANYTHING but to no avail really. Ryan and Scott seem set on stone. I did get Tobi to tell me that if it ties 3-3 he would flip on the revote but that's just playing it safe. Rhys told me he doesn't want to go to rocks so I'm like hey Tobi supposedly flips on the revote so maybe there's no need for that go talk to Tobi.

But they all seem to be giving me the silence threatment right before tribal even Mo has accepted what seems to be me going home.

It's a shame really cause if I do end up going home one of the majority of 4 is gonna regret it the very next week and two more later when the 4th beats them at the end. But hey congrats to that 4th guy whoever it is.

I've tought about doing an idol bluff but it wouldn't make sense for me to tell anyone I have it. Even Mo since if I hipotetically had it he wouldn't help me with it because he would be the one going home probably. Also because I would've definitely played it in a previous round for someone else if I had it and the rest probably knoes that.

Either way rn I'm currently trying to get home in time for tribal since I had to walk a chunk because I almost didn't had enough for the bus fare lel. Who knows maybe I'll survive somehow like the cockroach I am but I don't rate my chances or luck very highly. Either way at the end of the day I'm happy and you can't say I didn't try!

Ahrre is voted out 5-1.