#sure it wasnt them but i wasnt expecting it and id been singing to myself and i was worried theyd heard it and i started shaking so bad i

[compartmentalizinglmao]

.

[h0neyjaehyun]

☁︎ 𝐃𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝 ☁︎

Summary // Tali has a heart to heart with Chan, and the Dreamies experience Tali's child like personality when she is really happy.

Characters // Talia Flores + Bang Chan (ft. Dreamies expect Mark, Doyoung)

Era / Year // October 2017

Word Count //

Bold // English

⚠️Warning⚠️ // Breakdown

"Chan its gonna be okay, its not your fault it was never your fault and never will be."

It was the middle of a survival show of the creation of Straykids, Minho not to long ago got eliminated. She went over to his house and brung him food to cheer him up and she promised him that when she had free time she would help him with singing plus rapping. Then just last night Felix got eliminated just because he couldn't speak Korean properly, deep down she felt guilty not teaching him Korean, but she was busy with schedules she couldn't. After Chan walked him to his home, she just finished practice and went to Felix's house to comfort him. He felt so guilty and her heart broke at her friend feeling guilty he couldn't speak a language.

Korean was hard to learn from an english speaker perspective. It was like the opposite of English. She striked a deal with him at least once a week she would help him with Korean, inperson or through a screen since she did have to go on tour.

After she left Felix's place after putting him to sleep. She went to the person who felt most guilty.

She went into JYP building heading towards the studio where Chan usually is. He always in there, either producing, or avoiding his problems and feelings. She heard music, it was Hellevator, she heard it replay over and over again. She knocked on the door, the music stopped and it revealed a tried Chan.

"Hey sweetie" Tali smiled at him sadly she came in and sat on one of the chairs. Chan sat down on his chair and just looked at her. Then he just started to breakdown.

"I- I- I failed the- them Tali." Chan choked up crouched down in Tali's stomach.

"No, no you didn't Chan you tried your be-"

"NO I DIDN'T, I LET THEM GET ELIMINATED TALI....its my fault, I failed them, I promised we would debut together Tali....I promised them." Chan sobbed. Promises to them meant a lot to them. So when Chan couldn't keep that promise it broke him.

"Chan its gonna be okay, its not your fault it was never your fault and never will be." Tali comforted Chan petting his hair trying to calm him down.

"They don't blame you, they don't hate you, as long as you keep trying and helping each other you guys will make it. Jyp was just nit picky. This is not your fault." Tali said cupping his face whipping the tears off his face.

"But-" "No buts Channie, come on, lets go out for a bit, and get your mind off things" Tali suggested

Chan agreed.

They packed up at went to a open store and got some food and snacks. They went to a near by play ground and stayed there for a bit talking.

"Tali?"

"Hm?"

"How do you handle it?"

"Handle what?"

"The hate?"

Tali stopped at the question. She looked up at him in confusion. "What do you mean how do I handle the hate Channie?"

"Well, Ive been seeing some comments that, Im not a good leader or person and that im a f-"

"Shh hey hey, one that not true and two... I don't. Im not able to, but I don't show it. I usually distracted myself and not think about it. But they do get to me I am human."

"What about the staff?"

"Oh the staff are still asswholes to me and the Chinese line. I record whats she said about boys and me. Also that she left a member behind and got in the car instead. Honestly one more thing from her, she out." Chan laughed at her statement, but knowing she was serious. She hated when people get discriminated, she doesn't care if she does, only the people around her. So a staff member came she started acting like the boss and mistreating the chinese members which got Tali pissed.

Whether the boys or the staff know it she has a lot of power. Sm made her co-leader for a reason and that is to point out any staff mistreating members and setting them straight or firing them. They know she honest and knows how the entertainment system works. So they trust her who ever can't handle the idols or treat the idols properly and are reported by her. They will get fired so quick. So most staff that worked with her before know this and they know not to tell new staff because the staff themselves don't want a problems in the future because of another staff member.

"So one more strike huh?"Tali looked up at him.

"Yeah" she said quietly.

"How are you and Han?" Tali frozed at the boy's name.

"Fine" Chan raised an eyebrow at her.

"Fine? Really that all you gonna give me?"Tali sighed at the statement.

"Well, I don't know, its just. Its hard. He didn't believe me Chan. When he promised he would be there. He left me." Tali said quietly.

Chan was saddened that she still was unsure of her friendship with the boy. He made a promise he shouldn't have and didn't believe her words and left her, then expected when she forgive him everything would go back to normal. Which did, from the outside. People who did know Tali, would know it wasnt gonna go back to normal anytime soon.

When Tali talkes to people she cares about, her eyes have this light about them. But when she is unsure of the person a doubts them she has this sheild which would take a pretty long time to get down. It took Han since 2015 to atleast get Tali to talk to him again, 2 years. She was scared.

"You know he cares about you right? That he loves you like the rest of us?"Tali looked at Chan with doubt in her eyes.

"Does he really tho?"

"Tali.." Chan went infont of her and grabbed her hands.

"He really cares about you, do you think the guy will try to make you talk with him for around 2 years for him not to care about you?"

"I- Im just scared that he won't believe me.........that he'll leave."

"Tali if he does ever hurt you, you can always drop him, you are scarily good at that" Channie joked

Tali giggled

"Chan?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm afraid."

"You're afraid of what?"

"I'm afraid my group is gonna do that to me....not believe me, break promises, and leave me."

"Hey they won't, as long as you trust them I believe that it won't happen." Tali was stuck in thought.

"....what if they ask about my family....what do I say?"

"...do you want them to know?" "....no"

"Then tell them your not comfortable talking about your family"

"But what if they feel hurt when they find out you guys know and not them?" Tali said filled with gulit.

Chan sighed for once not knowing how to reassure the girl. Because if he was in the group and found out that a completely different group is closer to their only female member. He would feel sad and bitter. So Chan just hugged the girl to reassure her to gonna be okay.

Tali basked in this moment knowing nothing last forever, then realized something.

"...wait a minute shouldn't this be the other way around?"

"Shh no its fine" "No its not fine switch me"

"Tali its fine"

"No-"

"I swear Talia we are not fighting about this again"

They started bickering about who comforts who then she got a phone call.

She flinched at the sound and cursed in her mind realizing what time it is and how she didnt tell ANYONE she left the house. She turned the phone and sees the ID number as Doyoung. She cursed out loud, she was really hoping it was Taeyong.

"Hey language" Chan joked, Tali just glared at him. She picked up the phone scared if there was gonna be either yelling or a scary calm Doyoung

"Hell-"

"HELLO MY ASS WHERE ARE YOU ITS 1 AM IN THE MORNING AND YOUR NOT BACK HOME YOU MIGHT BE 18 (17) BUT YOUR STILL YOUNG!" Tali cringed.

"Im at the park, I was spending time with an old friend I lost track of time sorry." Tali said sheepishly.

"Its fine just come back home the dreamies were in panick when you didn't come back to the dorms so just go there and make sure your friend takes you there....wait is it a g-"

"Omg look at the time, its getting late thanks for calling me oppa im gonna go now bye!"

"Wai-" Tali cut him off and ended the call. She knew if she said it was a guy they will go all investigative mode and try to find out who the guy is.

Chan smacked the back of her head.

"Ow what was that for?!" Talia whinced while rubbing her head.

"For worrying your members and ending the call early, Talia you should know better." Chan said jokingly, shaking his head and pointing at her.

Tali smacked his finger and made are you serious face at him.

"You can't say anything, rememb-"

"Nope, this is not the time." Chan cut her off putting his hand over her mouth and dragging her off the park to the dreamies dorm.

"We are here thanks for walking me." Tali turned and hugged Chan knowing she won't see him for awhile. Chan just gave her a warm smile.

"No problem anything for our Butterfly." Tali smiled at the nickname. Remembering all times they have been together.

"Thank you for everything Channie, I really appreciate you." Tali said still hugging him looking up at him with this light in her eyes like Chan first saw when he was able to get closer to her. He always cherished that moment because it showed that she trusted him. Her eyes just poured out her emotions, it took time to able to read them but it was all worth it, and he would do it all over again.

"Always, I will keep my promise to you, and to him." He said rubbing her head. Tali's eyes changed when she thought about him, not sad ones more like grateful. Tali let him go and she went inside and waved him goodbye.

She went up the elevator, reminiscing the old times, even though it came to an end she still had part of them left with her as she held her locket in her palm looking at a picture that she cherished so much closing it back again once she was on the floor of the dreamies apartment.

She was at the door preparing herself for either a scolding or affection, probably both.

She unlocked the door and Jaemin tackled her to the ground.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN I WAS WORRIED SICK SOMEONE HAD TAKEN YOU FROM US." Jaemin scolded her while he was squishing her. Then he picked her up and she went back on the ground by the 2 mankaes.

"Why didn't you at least text us" "Yeah I came in your room for cuddles and you weren't there." Chenle pouted while Jisung scolded. Tali giggled but she felt guilty for making them worried.

"Im sorry I didn't mean too. I was just visiting some friends I haven't seen in awhile." Tali said sheepishly.

"Wow so you left us for them wow." Haechan said with a betrayed face. Tali rolled her eyes at the boy running up to him and hugging him. He was surprised at the contact, Tali at the time wasn't big on skinship so she never really did it herself.

"Don't be a baby, I saw you all this morning and afternoon. I haven't seen them in a long time, how about this we can see a movie in my room for the night hm?" Tali pouted, she didn't want to get scolded.

The boys have never seen Tali act this cute and touchy before. They were loving it.

"Hm? How about we cook and then watch a movie?" Haechan inquired trying to see how long her cuteness will last. Her eyes brightened at the idea she let him go and clapped her hands.

"Yes pleaasee." Tali giggled. Tali was acting her age, which was the first time in forever, they didn't know how. But they were taking advantage of it.

"Lets start cooking, hm?" Jeno said while rubbing Tali's head. Tali looked him and gave him her famous smile that would literally make his hearts burst.

"Come on Tali, help me prepare~" Renjun said while grabbing Tali and gently leading her to the kitchen.

Everyone just stood in place for a couple seconds. Processing what they just witnessed.

"Hyung, what did we just witnessed?" Jisung asked

"I don't know, but I loved every single moment of that." Haechan said, Then Tali popped out with a cute apron on with Renjun behind her smiling at her fondly.

"You guys wanna help?" Tali said cutely, everyone gushed on how adorable was being. They didn't know but when ever she hangs out with Straykids she has this kid like persona come out of her and even afterwards, and thats what they are seeing, she just grew up with Nct and Straykids differently she acts an adult with Nct while Straykids she acts her age maybe a little younger. So when she left Chan she was in a happy mood and that continued to now.

They all looked at each other and then back at Tali.

"Of course Princess."

[lesbianbernardsumner]

Hey! Its thing >:)!

Its the thing i was teasing at in that post last night, and technically for like... four months? five? huh its been a bit since i second changed my url huh. Im not gonna go check or anything. If I were a bit more patient i wouldve waited for the archive collection become canon but im not. funfacterdroid is just more of my bran! Anyway! This post is my first impressions and opinions on each song on Back to the Egg! The Wings album i temporarily renamed myself after. (told ya i was gonna ramble wasnt i ydbfyufjd). It also happens to be the only wings album i havent listened to yet. And sure theres a bunch of singles and b-sides i havent listened to either, but this is the last one! I figured it should get some of its own treatment! I know that its gonna sound different to London Town and the two before it, cause McCulloch and English arent here. I’ve also heard that this album is bad and people called Paul a sellout because he transitioned to New Wave. New Wave is my favorite genre and I guess Wings werent ever that far from it? But they’re still a rock band at heart so i dont know how that change is going to fare. Enough introduction: Lets just go track by track! -Side One: Sunny Side Up-

Reception: Its just some radio garble, an instrumental meant to introduce the album. dont really have any opinions on it. Getting Closer: JAHBUDHSAUHJDHS WOAH WOAH WOAH!!! I didnt expect such a threatening title to be so upbeat. Like... opposite of Beware My Love. I do think its odd that there is barely any backup singing? Its not horrible just weird that this song, out of all the openers, doesnt. That outro is very much meant to be like a darker part of the song, like the dream sequence from A Day In The Life, but god dammit this song is just so upbeat! so weirdly cheerful and gentle! And... only 3 minutes? Rockshow and Jet were 4... eh those albums had a lot less songs, this one has 13 not counting Reception! Same as London Town, which i also really like! We’re Open Tonight: Oooohhh!! Very soft, I think I know what its about but when taken literally, to me it sounds like a quaint little shop trying to lure you in, sinisterly. I think the bass is making it sound evil to me, but thats a great thing! Clearly its trying to be like another I’m Carrying but that song fucking sucks!!!!!! I also really like how its only 1 minute, something so haunting about it. Not sure if thats positive or negative but the songs cool! Spin It On: hHEHEYEHY!! Getting Closer.... 2! kinda. Its much much faster and i can barely understand the words hes saying... or what hes spinning. The backing vocals are really cool though. the lyrics mention a pinball table? Y.. you know pinball doesn't spin right? it falls.... Questionable lyrics aside, theres really not a lot of SPEEDY Wings songs! Glad that one of the few is also extremely good!

Again and Again and Again: WOW OKAY! this is sung by denny, all of these songs start pretty fast unlike a good chunk of their past work, but i really like that! But it also means i cannot process a single thing denny is saying, i think he said something about a school? and being in a bad situation? ah whatever. Denny used to be in an R&B band and i really think thats going to work here! This isnt an exactly a Rhythm-y or Bluesey song, but He’s clearly having fun! thats why i love wings in general, its easy to tell that the band was having fun recording a song! Old Siam, Sir: A-hmm. Paul’s doing his squeaky voice again... I guess that can work sometimes but its absolutely not complimenting the piano in the background. Also, I feel like a squeaky voice wouldnt work the best for a story song. A story thats pretty incomprehensible too? Who is this lady! What the fuck is this village!! This is the song you wanted to make 4 minutes? and it fades out too... how much did they record... Arrow Through Me: So this is the one that the critics liked? Its the most synth heavy which i understand why people like, I like synths too! I like how the bass (which i think is also from a synth?) lines up perfectly with the horns! Its alright, it might grow on me later, but now its just a passable song. One i wouldnt skip. Plus I really like the reverb effects, the whole album has em but this one really makes use!! Kinda bad overall though.

-Side Two: Over Easy- Rockestra Theme: Just an instrumental. But one thats really important to music history! I don’t actually know the full story to this one, but I do know that i really like it! Plus the vocal effects on Paul’s... Scatting i guess you could call it? Whatever it is, it works! To You: This sounds... eerily like Getting Closer. But bad... Eh I like that organ. Not much to say really... theres only like one verse. After the Ball / Million Miles: Oh cool another medley. Last one we got was two albums ago! I guess since this is technically two songs id have to... review them both? After the Ball is exactly what it sounds like. A gentle rock song about seeing your love after a party :)! Pretty standard for wings. Million Miles! Sounds a lot like After the Ball but with an accordian? Fuck I’m not complaining. But also who the fuck is Deo. Winter Rose / Love Awake: Uh- Something is,,, wrong with Paul’s voice. like he damaged it? I mean its not horrible it just kinda takes me out of the emersion? Oh we’re already on Love Awake! his voice is fine now..! Man this song is mediocre! No wonder the 70s are regarded as lame./lh Weird that Linda isn’t singing backup here? Or if she is that Denny’s voice is just drowning her out. Winter Rose itself is kinda lame but its... sweeter I guess?  The Broadcast: SINISTER!!!!!!! I do not know who is talking but this sounds... dystopian. I don’t even know what the poem is about its just... the whole song is slightly off. But i mean that in a good way! So Glad to See You Here: MAN! They were trying so hard to be punk... Okay as a punk song this sounds horrible! But as a song in general i like it! It’s not mixed the best but i really like the lyrics! And I-HOLY SHIT WE’RE OPEN TONIGHT PART TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I really didnt expect that,,, thats.... genuinely cool! Baby’s Request: Oh the finale! H..huh... Jazzy! And its about going to sleep.. i think? Regardless, Paul’s good at writing songs to fall asleep to, this isnt an exception at all!! Although it is weird that at the end the same horn plays as the one in Thrillington’s Monkberry Moon Delight... Its probably just a coincidence, i thought it was funny though. ---- Okay! Overall, I liked Sunny Side-Up more as a whole since i like 4/6 of its songs, but MAN So Glad to See You Here and Baby’s Request are REALLLY GOOD-But then again. I only listened to all of these songs once, and i wont listen to them again until ive finished writing this post, just to keep my first impressions fresh. I don’t really know what else to say that album was fun as hell! So I’d give Back To The Egg a... 7.8/10! I really didnt expect to like it this much. even though New Wave is my favorite music genre, i didnt think paul would be able to do it justice! Especially since the genre was just starting itself up... heh.... hope it gets archived soon.

[oikawa13]

love in the time of köttbullar

Shouyou sets the bowl on the tiny table with a flourish and an itadakimasu! and this is when it hits Atsumu harder than a Skurup to the temple:He wants this. Shouyou, hip cocked against the miniature kitchen countertop, smiling shyly up at Atsumu through the amber fan of his lashes, beautiful god-boy-man somehow glowing gold even under the buzzy LED lighting. Though they’re standing in a 430,000 square foot warehouse in Tsurumachi, Atsumu’s looking at Shouyou, and he’s home.

Amid the Flärdfull and the Smörboll, Miya Atsumu falls a little more in love.

words: 3,378 | rating: T

i’ve never been inside an ikea so this fic quite literally changed me as a person. sometimes loving a person is as scary as saying that first i love you!!!! and sometimes... love is easy as saying i love you at an ikea ; ;

LAUNCHING MERRILY DOWN THE PATH OF SIN (THE FIRST TIME)

"Bokuto said I should bring you home. But I don’t know where you live. So I took you here.”

“To hell?”

"No, Atsumu-san. To my apartment."

words: 1,990 | rating T

i wake up in the middle of the night thinking about this fic and then go on ao3 to reread it again its just so fdjgfhdjf good. i think about this shoyo a lot. theres something!!!! very dreamy going on here. this is the first part to a series btw, you can read them all if you want since theyre probably all around 1k :-)

lord i no longer believe in anything but the way he holds my name between his teeth

The miracle of the rabbit on the moon.

“We took this photo at their seventh birthday party. His father baked a cake. But someone ate all the jellybeans off the top before they could even sing the birthday song. That’s why Atsumu cried. He used to cry a lot. It stopped when the twins found out about volleyball, but before that Atsumu would cry over everything. Spilled milk. A skinned knee. The neighbor’s dog. He was the twin that was scared of paper straws. It's funny how things have changed.

“He looks happier now. Did you do that?”

words: 10,456 | rating: T

so, this goes just a liiiiitle past 10k so its up to you if you want to read it or not, i just thought i’d include it since its so! close! lol theres this part!!!!! they are holding hands underneath the table!!!!!!!!! atsumu are you drunk?!!! no!!!!! hes just so stupidly in love with shoyo. i cant stand them!!!!!!!!!!!

wait for it, wait for it

The notifications are up at 100+ again and Hana wants to check it quickly to make sure nothing's wrong, especially because she'd just cleared them before the media scrum. The fans, she figured, must be overjoyed with the win.Congratulations MSBY Nation!!! the first reply reads. #myspiker #atsuhinaBoth tags, she finds, are currently trending in Japan.

Five times #atsuhina trended on volleyball Twitter and one time it should have (but luckily didn't), as told by the MSBY Black Jackals' junior publicist

words: 6,043 | rating: T

this fic is SOOOOO much fun!!!!!! also i love hana, idk if i ever mentioned that before but yeah. this is like... hdjkdhgjfd so much ; ; <3

south of an early summer

Warmth, then, was being wanted back. Two weeks later, Atsumu holds that warmth in by Shouyou’s waist; he watches it, how it sleeps, and wonders what the heat will become next.

words: 2,602 | rating T | tw: atsumu being atsumu about (past) kg/hn for a split second

IF i wasnt an absolute fool and gave you all these recommendations to pick and choose from id just send you this and the walking emoji bc honestly!!!!!!!!! i may not know what the heck romantic means but i see this and maybe it is romantic! maybe its not the average romantic idk?!!!! but i do know theres something beautiful here. love ?? ; ;

truths in two’s

Shouyou leaves for Brazil in two hours.

words: 8,300 | rating: T

LDR.... but like, in probably one of the easiest 2 breathe/good feeling fic for ldr!!!! idk im a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ten reasons to break up with me: a love letter

1. It has to be you, ‘cause I won’t.

words: 4,197 | rating: T

pls....... i cant even THINK about this fic without crying okay!!!!!!!! insane. fuckign!!!! i love it so much, so much. it lives in my heart. this is the fic where i was like... i dont believe in love. yes i do. no<3 YES!!!!!!!! and cried and paced my room and finally FINALLY!!!!!! stopped feeling so hurt about hinata leaving for brazil again lmao!! like, i cant explain. this sounds crazy right???? anyway, i think... atsuhina can love each other so much it hurts when theyre apart but their love is so.... i mean......... they literally waited years to play together... so......... their love keeps them going..... GOODBYE!!!! i love listening to fka twigs cellophane & home with you and just..... being insane. 

just can’t help myself

Five times Hinata takes care of Atsumu, and one time Atsumu returns the favor.

words: 5,025 | rating: T

*think about atshn taking care of each other* *cries*

blue crush

And there’s a promise there, sewn into the easy curve of his lips: I’m not going anywhere, Atsumu-san. Glittering eyes that cut through the rain-blurry dark like a beacon when Shouyou turns back to look up at him. Even if you fuck up all of our dates.

Murphy’s Law as demonstrated by Miya Atsumu.

words: 2,297 | rating: T

atsumu trying very hard to have things perfect and romantic and even in the failures its still very lovely<3

If I’m Icarus, You Must be the Sun (Allow me Three Mistakes)

He wonders if Icarus felt like nothing was wrong with self-destructing, because he had reveled in the sun, if only for a little while.

Atsumu finds, loving Hinata is the same.

Atsumu's love over the years, and the mistakes that accompany it.

words: 4,620 | rating: T

i am...very weak to the whole icarus/sun thing with hinata and his ships. this one though......... i think about it A lot.

in your eyes, i see our future

“Yer’ a real sweetheart, Hinata Shouyou.”

Shouyou smiles brilliantly. “Only for you~”

He scoots over so Shouyou can sit next to him. He can smell the pineapple body wash Shouyou is so fond of the moment he sits down. Shouyou passes the tray over carefully before settling against the headboard comfortably.

“What’s the occasion?"

(Or, Atsumu just really wants to marry Shouyou.)

words: 9,769 | rating: T

fhdsjjkjfdsj goes crazy stupid over marriage!!!!! listen... i do not believe in marriage!!!!! but for atsuhina, oh you bet i do!!!! :-)

breathing a hello

There’s no significance to them ending up here except that both of their lives are held in the sway of volleyball. Everything else comes second.That’s the crux of it, really.

words: 2,826 | rating: T

gjhfsjkfd shhhhhhhhh. my heart is very soft when i think of them here, please..... just!!!! pls.

if you’re out there in the cold, i’ll cover you in moonlight

My [23M] best friend and ex-boyfriend [23M] is visiting me for a week, and my current boyfriend [24M] who agreed to all of this is suddenly withdrawing from me. Can I get some advice? Please? Anyone?

words: 8335 | rating: T | chapters: 3 | tw: past kg/hn 😳

this one is optional since you wanted one shots and theres 3 chapters here. my idea of romantic is...well, i especially love when one of them is acting hurtful/mean/difficult to the other bc their own personal issues but the other loves them anyway??? and then they work on that issue!!! just!!!!! ; ;

Love in the Time of Insomnia

And anyway Hinata was sprinting out faithfully after Atsumu, who had keys to the gym like a badass, and who was going to give his spikers a few more tosses after-hours without Meian knowing like the greatest, most generous badass the Jackals had ever seen. 

words: 2,457 | rating: G

running four kilometers just so atsumu can rest. this is what romantic means!!!! hdkshjfhdj

ode to what you’d have been

5 times it’s Kageyama’s fault and the 1 time Hinata realizes it has never been.

words: 3,628 | rating: G

loving someone including their flaws PART 2!!!!!! ok.... u might be like... um... this is romantic? hfdkhjfd LISTEN!!!! to me!!! there is nothing more romantic than being in love with someone and the ugly parts of them. going, i love you, all of you. and communication!!! and understanding!!! and feeling terrible and shitty and horrible but having the one you love accept you. and trying to help ease your mind, worries. *sobs real hard* also shout out 2 ‘okaaayy.... i hate sakusa now’

a shrine for a  boy

Despite his uncertainty about how to tell Atsumu of his move to São Paulo, Hinata takes action. Things do not go according to plan.

words: 2,447 | rating: G

hinatas time 2 be romantic and fail but its ok bc!!!!!!!!!! :-) they are just dummies in love<3

the greatest distance between you and longing is defeat

(In other words: Atsumu, let go. I’m here now.)

words: 3,310 | rating: G

um... *cries* post break up.... o_o!!!! god they really thought they could????? lmao!!!!!!

the tear in this (our gentle language)

“I’m going back to Brazil.”

He isn’t asking for permission. This isn’t a consultation. Hinata Shouyou informs his boyfriend at their after-practice practice. Miya Atsumu has a volleyball in each arm, trying to pick up a third. It drops and rolls away from him. The thud resounding in an empty gymnasium.

Shouyou had tried to envision Atsumu’s reaction many times. He never expected to be met with silence.

Alternatively: an exploration of Hinata Shouyou’s return to Brazil

words: 7,204 | rating: M

ldr CAN be romantic ok!!!!!!!! it takes a lot of communication, time, and love ; ;

evening sun

Atsumu looks at Shouyou and thinks, I want to know every inch of you.

words: 1,502 rating: M

[bdluejay]

TWRP + The Protomen Concert

So I just wanna infodump about the TWRP concert tonight before I forget everything (walls upon walls of text under the cut, youve been warned)

So it was a 1hr 45min drive up to Richmond and it was a fairly nice drive aside from the inevitable traffic. I listened to TWRP’s discography minus TTT because time. About 30 minutes into the drive I’m singing along, dancing a little, and then I realize. I forgot. My fucking. Tickets. Left em right at home. Fuck. So it takes me 20 minutes to overcome the shock and try to figure out what to do. I didn’t have enough time to turn around and drive back, but the interstate was too narrow and going too fast for me to pull over and figure out what to do so I kept driving and hoping that I was gonna figure it out when I got there. So the rest of the drive goes smoothly, not too much traffic, and I didn’t get lost after I exited the interstate! I got a spot on the lot right next to the venue so I didn’t have to walk at all which was awesome. So I get down to the end of the line and say, “Is this where the cool people are? Haha!” y’know, like a nerd, and I start talking to the people in line with me. And I shit you not, before I even get to say much, the person in front of me goes, “Hey, do you need an extra ticket?” Like, holy shit, really? How fucking lucky was I! I get in line right behind a person who has an extra ticket and they offer it before I even say anything. What a godsend. So I relax finally and enjoy talkin to the folks in line and try not to piss myself because I’ve had half a bottle of water and a smoothie in the past 2 hours.

So it turns 6 and the doors open and we come flooding in, I get to use the bathroom and the head over to the stage to secure a spot. I get about 3 or 4 people between me and the stage and I’m pretty content because it’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to the stage at a concert before.  Then I feel a tap on my shoulder and this guys says hi and gestures to my shirt (I was wearing the shirt for NSP’s Tour de Force tour) and asked which show I went to. Apparently we both went to the one at silver spring which was sick and we started talking about our mutual love of TWRP and a bunch of other stuff. He (collin was his name, im pretty sure?) was super sweet and nice and easy to talk to and we both went hoarse because we talked for the whole hour we were waiting for the show to start lol. He actually had some cough drops bc he was overcoming a cold and gave me one which was super nice.

SO the lights dim and the boys come out one by one, Havve, Meouch, Phobos, then Sung on his stupid hoverboard that I love. And they start playing Back in Town and I’m like o FUCK and they play generous dimensions and im like fuck yeah and they do their dumb schtick that never gets old “that was song #5, and next is song #11, and song #11 goes out to all the ladies out here tonight” and like a sucker i laugh and cheer every time. the setlist is super fuzzy for me but they played life party and i kinda almost cried cause god i really love that song a lot. and they played this like, holy shit amazing medley of a bunch of their songs all the way from 2nite to TTT and i totally wasnt expecting it at all but it was really amazing, i wish i had recorded the whole thing (fingers crossed that someone else has) but they played parts of pale blue dot which is my fave TWRP song and thats all i wanted and needed. ladyworld was awesome, and ending it with all night forever was absolutely perfect, kinda tying the whole set together with the beginning and end of return to wherever. TWRPs whole set was phenomenal and i had so much fun dancing and singing along. i didnt wanna blink the whole time because i wanted to see everything i could and they were just great and i gotta stop talkin about them cause im just gonna end up in a loop saying how much i love TWRP and how amazing they were tonight. 

but then. the protomen come out. and they play phantom racer. and just. holy. fucking. shit. twrp has such a chill vibe and their energy is good but the second the protomen came out the energy went from 100 to a MILLION. twrp and protomens performance of phantom racer was just. amazing. no, amazing is an understatement, but theres really no words to describe just how fucking fantastic they both were together. i wish i could relive that song over and over again forever. the feeling of absolute joy and excitement and happiness i felt during that performance is something i wish i could bottle and experience forever.

so onto the protomen. i had never listened to any of their music before the concert other than phantom racer. but holy SHIT. they fucking rocked it. i was blown away by how talented everyone was. the two lead singers were powerful and amazing, the music was just, *italian finger kiss* MWAH that good shit, like, tomorrow i gotta listen to all their music because every single song they played i immediately loved. and i cant neglect to mention their stage presence. these guys were so cool and intense and their whole vibe was so fuckin rockin. i mean, the metallic gray facepaint and bandanas and sunglasses and masks and helments and robot gun arms????? fuck YEAH!!!!! like i had hopeful expectations for the protomen but they blew me outta the fucking water holy shit. seriously i regret that i didnt listen to them beforehand or i woulda been headbanging so hard. also at the end one of the guys stage dove and i almost got to touch him but i was scared to get under him cause im not very strong and i didnt wanna drop a whole man onto myself. but yeah they were sick.

oh and speaking of headbanging there were a few dudes in front me who were SO energetic and pumped for the protomen like, it was infectious. they danced so hard and they like did this little dance with a couple other people that kinda reminded me of a ska dance?? like yknow the one where you just kinda kick your legs?? idk but they seemed to be having a lot of fun and it made me smile. they also had a 4 person mosh pit and i got knocked around a few times (its okay, i know how it is getting really excited and a lil too rowdy, i was fine) but like those dude were so fun and their excitement was so infectious i couldnt help but smile and have more fun. i got to talk with them some while we were in line for merch and since i was there for TWRP and they were there for the protomen we both gushed about how much we loved each band with all our hearts. they were also super sweet and walked me to my car because i was anxious to walk alone in a city that id never been to before.

so yeah!! tonght was an amazing experience that i hope to never forget. i met some super nice people and talked myself hoarse and had such an amazing time and im so glad that everything turned out how it did. thank you to twrp, the protomen, the broadberry staff, that one person in line, collin, and those two rockin protomen fans for making tonight a wonderful and perfect night.

[chimcharstar]

1-100 TELL ME ALL

Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well

1. What is you middle name?

Jesse

2. How old are you?

22

3. When is your birthday?

dec 9

4. What is your zodiac sign?

sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color?

purples

6. What’s your lucky number?

9

7. Do you have any pets?

no

8. Where are you from?

bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia

9. How tall are you?

5 something

10. What shoe size are you?

7?

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

3 that i actually use

12. What was your last dream about?

i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post

13. What talents do you have?

i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline

14. Are you psychic in any way?

well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there

15. Favorite song?

for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I  took all the colours

16. Favorite movie?

spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.

17. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much

18. Do you want children?

not RIGHT NOW

19. Do you want a church wedding?

i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.

20. Are you religious?

yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings

21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?

i got a parking ticket

23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them

24. Baths or showers?

showers.

25. What color socks are you wearing?

alien socks that are green and black

26. Have you ever been famous?

no. what does that even mean !!!!

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them

28. What type of music do you like?

stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

no

30. How many pillows do you sleep with?

one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out

31. What position do you usually sleep in?

i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin

32. How big is your house?

BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people. 

33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this

34. Have you ever fired a gun?

HELL no.

35. Have you ever tried archery?

in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.

36. Favorite clean word?

i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.

37. Favorite swear word?

bitch. its really fun to say.

38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?

not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.

39. Do you have any scars?

yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.

40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?

i believe so...

41. Are you a good liar?

yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.

42. Are you a good judge of character?

NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person

43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents

44. Do you have a strong accent?

i dont know how to answer this

45. What is your favorite accent?

idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them

46. What is your personality type?

that.... INFJ. see. psychic

47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

one of the gay jackets

48. Can you curl your tongue?

dont think so

49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

50. Left or right handed?

left

51. Are you scared of spiders?

depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free

52. Favorite food?

tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish

53. Favorite foreign food?

idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.

54. Are you a clean or messy person?

clean

55. Most used phrased?

“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot

56. Most used word?

I

57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min

58. Do you have much of an ego?

i do, but i hide it. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.

60. Do you talk to yourself?

yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work

61. Do you sing to yourself?

nah

62. Are you a good singer?

no. i can sing and it sound okay.  nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.

63. Biggest Fear?

someone dying, natural disaster, new illness

64. Are you a gossip?

maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.

65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those

66. Do you like long or short hair?

BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot

67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.

68. Favorite school subject?

ART ART AR T

69. Extrovert or Introvert?

introerverte

70. Have you ever been scuba diving?

no

71. What makes you nervous?

people who are not Definitely Cheerful

72. Are you scared of the dark?

no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL

74. Are you ticklish?

depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.

75. Have you ever started a rumor?

i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars

76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?

maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok...... 

77. Have you ever drank underage?

no

78. Have you ever done drugs?

no

79. Who was your first real crush?

someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE

80. How many piercings do you have?

two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im  so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries

81. Can you roll your Rs?“

hell yes

82. How fast can you type?

so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast

83. How fast can you run?

IM VERY FAST

84. What color is your hair?

orange

85. What color is your eyes?

green

86. What are you allergic to?

im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives

87. Do you keep a journal?

yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures

88. What do your parents do?

my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky

89. Do you like your age?

sure

90. What makes you angry?

everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger. 

91. Do you like your own name?

YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.

92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?

im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.

93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

yeah, i want a boy a girl

94. What are you strengths?

my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles

95. What are your weaknesses?

the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea

96. How did you get your name?

i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie  “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”

97. Were your ancestors royalty?

no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school 

98. Do you have any scars?

weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon

99. Color of your bedspread?

pink, white, blue

100. Color of your room?

white

[feel199x]

 gang!au, gang member!han jisung, florist!reader, underground band!au

chapters: I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X masterlist

warnings: angst and themes of abuse and trauma

🌸 a/n: i actually finished this fic, and it’ll be up in my queue to post over the weekend! it’s kind of exciting to be finally finishing this fic! a hint  for the next chapter is at the end!! hehe

🌸 song rec: arsonist’s lullaby

Your eyelids were still heavy when you awoke. In front of you, though your eyes still blurry you made out a flower vase. You tried to move, suddenly desperate to feel the petals against your fingertips. Even though they were azaleas, petunias, globe amarths, carrot flowers, and asphodels- all dressed in a void black vase. You knew what it meant, you knew what it threatened. But you found your arms sore, propped up and irritated from the handcuffs that hung from the ceiling. As you looked down, your head getting too heavy for your neck to support, you found yourself surrounded eglantines, lemon and peach blossoms, lungworts, phlox, and red rose petals. You couldn’t help but let out a choked sob, your wrists burning, the metal digging into your skin. You arms stayed propped up, but the numb feeling began to spread through your body. You didn’t even look up as he came in, even as he made sure to slam the door shut.

“You know why you’re in here?” You didn’t answer, your voice all used up from crying. You could feel his fingers on your jaw, propping your face up so you could look straight up at him. You couldn’t make his face out completely, your vision blurred but not fading. There were already bruises there you knew, and he pressed down on them further. “Do you? I try so hard to control myself, and here you are, still acting up.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you? I should just leave you here, let you learn your lesson.”

His thumb rested against your chin, looking at you intently- what could almost be mistaken as sympathy. It was deja vu, sitting there like a doll. “But I can’t resist you, can I?” No, you guess he couldn’t. That was the funny thing, right? He couldn’t expect to, how could he resist these primal urges? He talked and talked about nothing, and you were glad that you couldn’t pay attention to his words anyway, mind foggy and complacent. “I even brought you flowers. You didn’t have these in your shop, huh? So I got them. I’m a good husband.”

“Husband?”

“Good thing you’re pretty.” He got up, reaching over you and pulled something off your, well, ring finger. “See that? That cost more than your stupid shop.”

Stupid shop.

He slipped it back on, sitting back down next to you as he continued to talk.

“How long,” you paused, voice weak and raspy, quiet, “has it been?”

He seemed surprised by your question, eyebrows digging into his forehead in sudden anger. He got up and paced around the cramped room, not even bothering to watch him as you stared down at your own clothes- crinkled and dirty. “Why do you care?” he seethed, “I could treat you better than he ever could. A low-level drug dealer and a shitty, amateur rapper. Do you see lover boy here? No, you don’t. ‘Cause he’s dead.”

You let out a small gasp, tears brimming at the corners of your eyes and you looked at him. “What did you do?” you weeped, “Please- please, please tell me what you did.” His pacing came to a stop as he looked at you, face contorted with anger. “I got my co-workers to shoot him and friends dead, that’s what I did. Because you’re mine. Always and forever.”

You didn’t know what was true and what wasn’t- he couldn’t exactly be trusted. You grew impulsive, angry with him. Jisung would never, Jisung could never. He wasn’t that type of person- he could never take advantage of people, he could never keep something like that from of you. And here your captor was, smothering ash over Jisung’s name. But you knew he wasn’t lying about shooting Jisung and his friends, even if you didn’t want to believe it. He had tried the same thing with your family back then too. You felt guilty, at fault like you were the one behind the trigger. Anger bubbled like sparkling in your throat like bubbling water, steaming with impulsivity.

“You should kill me too then. I’d rather rot in the ground next to Jisung than spend another second looking at you.”

You knew your goal should’ve been to play the long game, especially after your failed attempt some time ago. How long has it been? You weren’t sure, there weren’t any windows in the room- and the white painted walls burned into your eyes. If you made him angry now, it would only take longer to gain his trust, but the damage was already done- you could feel the blood pouring out of the back of your head. You might’ve been dying, but you didn’t really care. You couldn’t even feel the pain from the hit from the adrenaline, so you continued to push your luck. Because it was true, Jisung had kept you going, your shop had kept you going. How would you ever be able to look another flower without seeing his face?

“He loved me better than you ever did and he didn’t even ask me to be his lover yet. Lover boy is better than you even dream about.”

It wasn’t like you to speak out of your turn, especially with the looming threat of death. You were too far gone, the warmth of blood streaming down your back. The bruises on your jaw from your grip deepening in color as his grip tightened, yelling some nonsense.

Still, even as he looked into your eyes, his breath hot on you- all you could think about was Jisung. How could you not? Your mind swam through melancholy memories.

You were in his arms tonight. His arms drooped over your shoulder, his head pressed against yours- lips brushing against your jaw as he whispered commentary about the movie you were watching. You were leaning against his chest, feeling his heart beat against your back. Knees propped up as his legs circled around you.

“I love you,” he murmured, “probably more than like, shrek.”

“I would hope so, shrek doesn’t feed you,” you paused, “But I love you too.”

And it was true, but you were unsure of the extent of your infatuation and devotion he was refering to. You wanted to say you were in love with him, but it was too much of a risk. If you scared him off now, who would come by your flower shop to spend time with you? Who would carry you off your bed during the weekends just to go to the convience store. Who would wrap arms and limbs around you and sing you to sleep at night after nightmares, after remembering? Did it even matter? You’ve never felt like this before, the only thing that came close was your devotion was your flowers. Maybe it should’ve scared you, that suddenly there was someone with so much importace to you, on the same level as the only thing that got through the Incident. You turned your head, the side pressed against Jisung’s chest. His arms moved to wrap around you waist, tightening around you. Your nose was touching his, lips only a breath away- but he was crying.

“Jisung,” you said softly, “Why are you crying? You chose this movie.”

“Do you think people in love will always end up together?”

You laced your hands in his, intertwining the both of them. “Of course,” you whispered, “Love finds a way.”

You thought it would happen then, his lips practically on top of yours- but it didn’t. He turned from you, his adam’s apple bobbing up and down- something caught in his throat. “Even if the person lied?”

“I guess it depends on the ‘sung. As long as it wouldn’t change your perception of the person in a way that hurt the relationship too much, I think they could make it.”

“What if it did? What if the person wasn’t as good as you thought they were?”

“Sung, is something going on? You can talk to me, I’ll always be here for you. No matter what.”

“You can’t. I can’t. We can’t.”

“Sung,” You cupped his face, making him look at you. You turned around, and his embrace loosened but remained around your waist. “I love you. You’re my best friend. I love you more than my shop. I promise that I always will, no matter the circumstances. You’re a good person, I know that. I promise, I pinky-promise.” You held up your pinky, and he brushed away his tears wrapping his finger around yours.

You don’t remember exactly what he had said before he left, something about a band dropping out of the club he played at. He had gotten a call and gathered his things almost immediately. You offered to go with him, you always wanted to see him live with his fans but he always refused. He said that it wasn’t your scene, and all grimy- it wasn’t somewhere you should be, not a play for someone pure as you. But you didn’t feel pure and insisted that he was the purer of you two. But it didn’t matter, when Jisung’s mind was set, it was set. He kissed your forehead, and before the door close he wrapped his pinky around yours without another word.

And then Jisung disappeared again.

It wasn’t the first time, but it was one of the longest. The days dragged on, the day having to pull and drag the night up into the sky. Even the sky’s star shined dimly, there only because of obligation. Ever since you started making arrangements back home at your mother’s flower store, you never liked roses much. But now you were starting to understand people’s obsession with them. It was an iconic symbol of love, everyone’s go-to, and you supposed there was a good reason for that. Its smell was sickeningly sweet, and the petals like velvet. You started getting letters in the mail. It happened every day. And even though you were flattered, you began to get worried. Worry arising.

After four months, you finally saw Jisung again. He kept somewhat in contact, but he had been busy. There were two months with complete radio silence, and one night you saw news coverage of shots fired in a car chase. You hadn’t put two and two together then, not even as you saw Jisung slightly limp as he moved around your store. You remember being conflicted about asking him, but as he kept telling you about his stories featuring his group members, you got lost.

That’s the night it all happened.

But before that, way before that. Maybe it really was love at first sight.

After the hose incident, you found Jisung lingering around your store until closing time. He had brought sweets every day for two weeks until you invited him back up to your apartment.

“Thank god,” he groaned, “My grandmother said if it didn’t work this time, she was going to interfere. Jokes on her, though, I’ve been stealing sweets forever.”

You laughed, getting bold after closing the shop and tugging at his wrist as you pulled him up the metal spiral stairs. “I would be more worried about Minho,” you teased, “you’d better not be slacking off during practice or he’ll chew you out.”

“Ew, ugh! Don’t remind me.”

“So, um,” you looked down, “What do you want to do?”

“Can I pick a movie?”

He had chosen a romance movie, you could’ve gone to the theater instead, but he insisted that he would pay you back for the fee- and that going to the theater would never be better than streaming at home. You didn’t mind romance movies, they were fun to watch. But during the less tense parts of the movies, you could feel yourself falling asleep and before you knew it your head was on his shoulder. If you were less sleepy, you would’ve freaked out as he pulled you closer is fingers lightly drawing shapes on your hips. You awoke when you felt Jisung’s chest heave and you looked up to see him crying. It was the first time you saw Jisung cry, and it broke your heart.

“Jisung, are you okay? We can change the movie if it’s too much…”

“No! Sorry, it’s just…”

“It’s just?”

“I don’t think there’s anything more beautiful than love. I’m going to have a love like this one day. And I can’t wait. Thinking about makes me cry.”

 You were awake now. Eyes glazed over, still heavy with exhaustion and sleep. The blood down your back had dried now, you could feel your hair all bunched together and sticky with the flaky dried and blood. It was throbbing, pulsing almost- the headache was unbearable. How long has it been? How long would it be? You tried moving your legs, a numb static began to make you grow in discomfort. It was for the better though, because otherwise you would’ve felt the rope digging in and around your ankles. It was hard, you had to press your wrists further against the cuffs in order to help yourself. It was awkward, like a baby learning how to walk. It must’ve been hours when you stood there, the feeling finally returning to your legs. Your arms were relieved with the ability to relax, even if they were in an awkward position. They were still strung up, but at least your upper arm could relax.

The flowers in the room had been replaced, but the petals around you were starting to become crisp and brown. Alstroemerias, altheas, arbutus, red and yellow balsams, Japanese rose, jumpers, and kalmias. It made you shiver with disgust and fear. Where was he getting these flowers? Was he going back to your shop? 

You collapsed suddenly, your legs caving in on yourself. Your wrists pulled at harshly as your knees hit the floor. Have you eaten? You couldn’t have, how long has it been? Your stomach began to turn, you were hungry, but that was the least of your worries. Was Jisung really dead? What about his friends, Minho, Chan and everyone else? Were they dead too? How were you to expected to live with yourself, knowing you had brought his misfortune on all of them? If they were alive, how could you expect them to forgive you for the mess you had made? You couldn’t, and you would have to live with the guilt of hurting Jisung for the rest of your life. Because you knew it was dangerous, falling in love with someone knowing that it could be turned against you at any moment- but you did anyway. And now you had dug your own grave. Thoughts were growing difficult to form, the space growing through your coherent thoughts. All you could was feel.

How much time has passed? Months? Weeks? Days? Hours? Minutes? All you knew was white. You could see the walls fill in the spots in your vision. It was irrational, but you began to hate the white painted walls. The lack of color was draining you, except for the vase in front of you. You wanted to kick it, destroy it completely- you wanted to move and release everything- every emotion and irrational thought boiling with impulsivity in your head. The only thought going through your head, getting louder and louder, blocking the diminishing number of coherent thoughts.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

Jisung is dead.

You cried, even as dehydrated as you were. Your voice was raspy, and you couldn’t even speak words of comfort to yourself. You couldn’t remember, you couldn’t make them out.”It’s…going….to...be...okay.” Maybe it was pathetic but you were the only one you could lean on. You couldn’t hang on to the hope that someone was going to rescue you, especially if the only people you were dead- or angry because of the mess you had caused.

“Have you learned your lesson?”

You looked up, vision spotty and glazed with tears, and nodded desperately. You were mad at yourself for giving in so easily. “You’re pretty like this, “ he cooed, “All broken down and desperate.” He stroked your hair, fingers getting caught in your bloodied hair. “I bet you’re hungry, hm? I’m not going to let you go, so you’re going to have to let me feed you. I’d hate to have to...well, you know.”

You wish you didn’t.

 It felt like you were giving in as you ate, the food dry and difficult to swallow. He sat there for a while. The water he made you drink missed your mouth and streamed down your neck. You sat there, helpless, unable to clean yourself. “What a pretty mess,” he murmured, “What a pretty mouth. Just for me.” You hated him, you did. You hated him like forest fire, like the damage of a natural disaster. He disgusted you, he was disgusting- time and time again, he had taken everything that mattered to you. And he won. You felt pathetic, useless. Jisung was dead, dead and gone and you felt like it was all your fault. It made you shake, your heart thumping against your ribcage, begging to get out.

His phone rang, the ringtone burning in your ear. “Yes… I told you...Just get it...Dead.” He must’ve heard you lean against the metal cuffs, because he got up. He smiled, using his thumb to wipe the water off your lips. You were beginning to panic again, maybe it was a small chance that he was talking about Jisung and stray kids, but any chance was big enough to get worried. Before he closed the door, before you could give a second thought: “Help me take..a bath. Please.” Even with your soft, raspy and broken voice, it was enough to get his attention. Words were getting harder to form, it was getting to harder to even think- but you had to warn them, even if you don’t know what the danger was. Because if the call was about them, some of them were alive- and that meant you could clean up some of your mess, or at least make up for it. He ended the call quickly, uncuffing you. You arms immediately dropped, hands slamming against the floor.

“I knew you would come around. But you’d better behave. I don’t care if I have to hurt you to keep you complacent.” You watched as he pulled at your legs, untying the rope that kept your legs together. You struggled to get up, so he opted to carry you, throwing you over his back. It hurt your eyes to be flooded with color as he carried you to the bathroom. The bath ran and you sat in the warm water, he was watching you as he sat on the toilet cover. The feeling was returning to your body as the water in the filling bathtub lapped against you. “Help...me.” You didn’t want him to touch you, you never wanted to feel his fingers brush against your bare skin. You didn’t trust him, and you never would. Especially not after he did, or tried to do with Jisung. But more than anger, you felt guilt. It was overwhelming, contradictory feelings making your head spin even more. You shuddered as you felt the soap against your back.

“I missed you,” he murmured, “I’ve been searching for you for so long, waited for you so long.”

You swallowed hard, biting your lip as he continued. “I watched you for months. I wanted to take you and carry you away in the night, but I wanted to make him watch. He needed to know you were mine.” You felt hot water pour over your head, the bathtub becoming decorated in a red tint. “I almost gave up, I thought I had lost you completely. But then I saw you with lover boy. I wanted to kill him right there, I wanted to kill everyone but you. He gave a good fight though, beat the shit out of me. But guess who’s dead and who’s got the love?” He laughed at that, massaging something into your hair and picking at the flecks. You felt your wound burn and you moved to cover it, but he slapped your hand away. “Me. I won. You’re all mine, and if I ever see him again. I’ll kill everyone. I’m the only one who loves, okay? Not Jisung, not anyone else. You’re mine.” You heard him murmur that again and again. “I love you, you’re mine, mine.” You brought your knees to your chest, glad that the water hid the fact that you were crying. He didn’t push you to get up though, at least he was that decent. You watched as the red water swirled down the drain. He left and brought a towel, and your dress was clean and pressed. He sat on the toilet cover again, watching in case you wanted to pull something again.

This time you walked, content with being able to feel your weight shift as you walked. You knew this feeling, what it felt like to be completely devoid of basic powers. He led you back to the room, watching the phone in his back pocket. As you entered the room, you took an interest in the flowers. They were beautiful, despite what they meant. It was the only color in the white void of a room, and it mocked you. Your fingers caressed the petals, and the smell was haunting. Your heart was beating again, and you did your best to keep your face blank.

“Aren’t they nice? I got them just for you. You don’t even know what they mean, do you?

“No...tell me.”

“Nah. It’s a secret just for me.”

He moved to set up your ties again, and you got up, legs wobbling with a slight shake as your grip around the black vase tightened. It was now or never. It didn’t happen in slow motion- you knew that wasn’t possible. But you watched as the vase shattered against the back of his head, falling, bursting into tiny pieces as the flowers fell to his feet and he toppled. You knew there was no way he would be down for long, so you fished the phone out of his pockets. You panicked as you ran around the large house, searching for a room to hide in the meanwhile. His phone was locked, but you saw the screen unlock as you typed in your anniversary. You didn’t know where you were, a random room with various boxes. You slide the closet door open, met with the smell of mothballs but you entered anyway. There was a lot of stuff, and you piled things on top of you as you typed Jisung’s number.

It fell to voicemail, and you felt tears well up in your eyes.

“Jisung….it’s me….don’t have time, please...he’s send..ing...someone. Be safe..please...I’m in love.... with you. I’m sorry.”

You ended the call, typing in the emergency number.

“What’s your emergency?”

“I’m trapped...abducted.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“No.”

“Okay, stay calm okay? Please stay on the line as long as you can.”

“Can’t..he’s coming. Oh god, I’m as good...as dead.”

“Can you tell me his name please?”

“_____”

“____, as in the gang leader?”

“Yes.”

“I need you to stay on the line okay. Do you remember where you last were?”

“Boseong, my shop...flower shop..mirror.”

You heard the door slam open and the closet door slide open with a large creak.

“Sweetheart? Are you still there? Sweetheart, stay on the line. Is he in the room-?”

“Caught.”

azaleas: fragility

petunias: your prescense soothes me

globe amaranths: immortality, unfading love

carrot flowers: do not refuse me

asphodel in a black vase: death threat

eglatines: i wound to heal

lemon blossom: fidelity in love

peach blossom: i am your captive

lungworts: thou art my life

phlox: our souls are united, unanimity

alstroemerias: devotion

altheas: consumed by love

arbutus: love only for you

red balsams: touch me not, impatient resolve

yellow balsams: impatience

japanese rose: beauty is your only attraction

jumpers: asylum, aid, protection

kalmias: treachery

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Suspiria remake review from a shitty movie-goer

(this review is posted too late so excuse me for some timing inaccuracies I couldn’t be arsed to edit)

(IF YOU HATE TL;DRS JUST SKIP AHEAD TO THE “THE REVIEW” PART. YOU’RE WELCOME)

I actually hate to admit why was I interested to watch this movie in the end, but for once SOMETHING motivated me to go to a movie after countless tries from my family to get me to watch something in theatres at a “reasonable time” (daytime is what they mean, this movie was at 8pm our time, and this is when the cross-city bus transport (it goes from one big city to another) stops doing their service lmao).

I myself have a lowkey interest in moviemaking (I’m already getting there by editing my phone-recorded videos because whatever). I come up with my concepts in my head and I am mostly willing to put them down somewhere in my computer so I don’t forget it years later if I want to make that concept a thing in the end (because none of my concepts are finalized... well except for one short horror-ish story I posted on DeviantArt (see mom, I do like some horror stuff!). Reddit as of lately inspired me to edit some of my movie’s plot-lines based on irl events (not related with anything too SJW), and I’m not sure how an usual movie-goer would see this concept but I am going to try to execute it... whenever I have enough equipment to shoot my own little films or skits or whatever.

What’s that? There are people who scrolled past this and already yell at me that “YOU ONLY WENT TO SEE THIS MOVIE BECAUSE OF THE MAN WHO COMPOSED THE SOUNDTRACK~~~”? Ugh yes you exposed me, tea all over. I even had “Street Spirit (Fade Out)” on a bit of a repeat as of lately (how fucking come I wasn’t too couragerous to listen to this song before?? And “Pyramid Song”??? Man am I discovering their pearl(ie)s(*) too late). And I’m occasionally on the band’s subreddit as well. And the man himself is touring ‘round the USA, signing material of fans and have genuinely warm chats with them. Admireable.

But that’s only half truth.

I never thought I’d see Suspiria on cinema theatres in here. Until one time when I saw an ad on a completely random Lithuanian website that said this movie is coming to our theatres 14 December... I couldn’t quite believe my eyes. I made my goal to see Suspiria since then. I even dared to ask a couple of my new college ‘friends’ to see it with me, but one of them fell off the deal when I revealed that I’ll be going to see it on Saturday, and on the weekends he’s usually at home, far away from the city the college is in (he lives in college dormitory on mostly the work-weekdays). So my only movie companion ended up to be this 28-year-old coursemate (actually we both study different things but sometimes we attend some of the same lectures) who was intrigued by the Suspiria trailer herself so at least I’m gonna have her by my side of the movie, so I thought. Sweet.

I already envisioned seeing this in a mall cinema theatre but my companion offered me a cheaper alternative - her suggested cinema theatre was actually in renovation so the business is temporarily happening inside an actual drama theatre’s long theatre hall. I had to wait long until the ticket box opened and because of that I was lowkey frustrated as I finished my English test writing a little earlier, so I spent my time walking around the city until the time came and I wandered off to the old building of the cinema so then I remembered it was moved and I found the moved place. Yeah I bought the tickets before my companion could but I’ll skip ahead to the time that I almost lost the tickets because they were put down on a windowsill outside some children activity centre (Suspiria and children?? lol). I came back home late at night and was ready for the movie to happen the next day. Oh and before buying the tickets I coincidentally saw dance classes going on nearby that building... weird, as Suspiria has dance elements in there

The day came (December 15) and my family went together with me because they saw this as an opportunity to see the Christmas tree of our city (but not the movie). Needless to say, they were still visibly pissed at me orchestrating this idea, as I planned everything BUT the transport to go by. Well at least my mom and my sis. Dad was cool with it as he returned home to watch Home Alone. Aside all that, the cinema hall was cozy, Christmassy, not too small, there were a few trailers before the movie, no snack-seller places (as this is not a mall lol) - my companion was glad she wasn't at the mall as she found this place where we were at way lovelier.

Now with all that unnecessary long intro off my chest, let’s begin:

THE REVIEW

(definitely not spoiler-free, if you are sensitive to spoilers please watch the movie for yourselves before reading my review. But if you like being spoiled, I’m your friend then I guess lmao)

The intro to the movie felt like I ended up booking a wrong movie - I didn't expect that to be set somewhere in Germany, especially an American/Italian-shot one. Was that a thing in the original Suspiria? I don't know... (apparently it is, but the cities are different, never the country though)

Patricia (I didn’t know it was Chloë Grace’s role until reading the Wiki) looked like to be a really big deal here, with the dance pupils discussing her disappearance the other day and Susie overheard them, then Sara mentioned the Patricia thing to Susie after Susie revealed she was kind of chosen as the lead dancer for the Volk play... is it because Patricia was THE saviour that unfortunately knew a little too much?? Idk, it’s perhaps the reason we get to see the Klemperer guy subplot happen (I didn’t know it was Tilda Swinton behind him all the time either, must be because the way the male German accent was put on her lol). Turned out she was captured and kept under some dungeon where Sara had gone later in the movie, but looking like an almost melted and grotesquely old human being (or if Mary’s mother from “Chocolate with Nuts” was a person). Speaking of which, there is one more later in the movie, but I won’t tell just yet - we will need to get into such scenes discussion first.

Interesting deaths here, despite of them being grotesque and horrifically detailed. It almost felt like Susie, whilst doing her first dance as the probable lead dancer, temporarily turned into Olga’s voodoo doll or a violent bloodbender (that old lady from Avatar that could bloodbend was incredibly uncanny, damn) and left Olga completely fucked up, and the foam mouth later on... is this the effect myxomatosis has on a human being if it was ever humanly? She was twitching and salivating afterall. :P But no, she’s not dead until she gets to plead her death later in the movie! :O Several others occur throughout, but none is more prominent than this key scene I described, well at least according to TV Tropes.

The search for the evil person in this movie without Wiki helping me much was definitely a nice game for me to play. I kept thinking that Blanc might be that one, then I thought she’s not the one until she looked at Carolina (I think that was the tall tomboy’s name??) suspiciously and then she later passed out on the floor violently, with rabies foam and everything.

Anyway, don’t tell me Tilda Swinton wouldn’t make out a pretty good Thom Yorke post-Pablo Honey. She’s 8 years older than him, ffs! Also played a man before (e.g.: this movie I’m talking about) so the make up won’t be an unjumpable-over hurdle.

The sighs were for sure unsettling, especially because they oddly sounded like orgasm here and there. IDK why. I know fucking is referenced twice in this movie (well only fucking once and sex another time). Speaking of random things, the nightmare shots were completely random themselves, following up with some imagery we never see in the movie again, and some of that we see only a little (like the worms and bloody organs).

3 long scenes that were note-worthy for me. One is the Olga mutilation/Susie's first dancing scene that I already noted, and it was driven by music (the others will be too. Soundtrack of this movie still rules). Then there's the Volk play itself - girls go from one place to another, take poses of each other, dance individually, let their minimalistic red rope dresses flick in the air, interspersed with Sara in the underneath area and her broken leg (so broken, the bone went out of her skin!), and then the matriarchy getting her back on stage, but healing her leg with her witch powers before that. I haven't really listened to the rest of the soundtrack but I gotta check the song out so that I won't end up labeling it as a Kid A reject. No but seriously - intense dancing needed some intense drumming and painful instrument sounds just to project out the massiveness of the whole play.

Then I keep remembering the scene where Madame Blanc commands Susie to jump higher and higher in the mirror hall, up until she jumps as highest as possible. Also my companion’s favourite scene was the stare exchange between these two ladies during the part where people were singing some drinking song in a bar to celebrate ‘Volk’’s success - you hear them singing and then some chilling background noise slowly mixing and creeping its way into the atmosphere, then I think it leads into a scene where some sparkling aura entity wakes Susie up (and she’s nude) in the middle of the night and gets her to go down to this... dungeon orgy full of random stuff going on, complete with an Asian man doing something beyond explanation (I could say lewd but not quite), even more strange ritual dancing and the very much frightening Madame Helga... who looked like Jabba the Hutt for some reason. And then of course everyone slitting, slashing and twisting each other, and by the end Susie throwing us all a plot twist which makes her THE evil one who can finally let her ‘friends’ go of all that suffering they have been through thanks to the damn witches (and yeah apparently her dance friends haven’t completely died? THAT’S how they do - they tell Susie to end their suffering and she does). Also she cracks her chest open to reveal a... very graphic part of a female body that will by no doubt get this whole text review reported without consent so I refrain from any illustrations. Oh and this scene mostly has the possibly favourite this movie’s soundtrack song of mine, if not one of them, play - titled Unmade. It was a mind-boggling decision to do so but the movie editors do them I suppose, but still. I felt sad for the song having to be the background of such absurd but fair enough events? (Oh and I didn’t mention that everyone who voted for the other woman than Madame Blanc to be the leader of the witches (iirc) were rid of in this movie. Damn.)

Oh and the ending is rather an interesting detail, not talking about post-credits because as always I have to be this one movie goer who wants to do it but can’t because they’re urged to go back out of the movie theater. We turn into modern day Germany with a love heart carved on a brick wall with the letters A and L (perhaps?? at the time of finishing this review my memory towards it kind of erased some parts of the movie for me), a nice little remembrance of Lutz’s (the old man’s) love for his dear Anke, with which they have reunited during the movie, but Lutz was dragged out by some people related to the dance academy for probably wandering elsewhere than needed and somehow Lutz ended up as one of the sex dungeon victims, stripped of clothing and lying down quite powerless. That and before the modern day shot we are subjected with Lutz in hospital with Susie coming to visit, they discuss something related to the plot, Susie touches the guy speaks some more, leaves and according to the Wiki, Lutz “suffers from a violent seizure” that was nothing more than just a hard seizure. And it even erases his memories!

Anyway, as a whole, I felt more underwhelmed of this movie’s experience despite really wanting to see it. Like, “uhm yeah gore blood people getting slashed everyone’s a witch and everyone’s watched over by the witch and if you expose the witches you die” kind of underwhelmed. I didn’t want this movie to blatantly go through my head, but it did, that’s why I wanted to make notes everytime something notable happens. There was one startling moment, and it just was an innocent scene transition. And something within Olga’s mutilation scene made me chuckle (and made some other people leave the cinema hall ASAP). It’s more of a disgusting watch than scary. Also feels too dragged out in parts.

I’d only recommend it if you are gore-tolerant (there are people that can’t stand looking at blood so this might as well not be for you, especially if you’re younger than 16), like intense choreos that can impact other people literally, and... the soundtrack. Yes of course. If you dare to get through the movie with feeling its soundtrack, sometimes you might as well feel it right, but some of the soundtrack song usages might as well make you go “hmm” as much as me.

I'll remind myself to never watch a movie in theaters for soundtrack again (unless they're not THAT late). And the other 'trilogy of the three witches' movie remakes, especially if they come out at the time I haven't moved houses by now, because for sure as hell will my parents not like me going to cinema late once more. The movie is lowkey 7 out of 10 for me, can sometimes it's on the verge of falling down to 6 becaude of no completely proper comprehension of some directing choices... so 6.7/10 is good - as it still has 6 in it, but totally leans on to the 7.

Will probably watch it again. I need to remember some more of this movie sometime later. And looking for online uploads of this movie is unrecommendable - I'll wait until Lionsgate distributes it to America for wider audiences so that anything could surface 2 months (or even a few days) later from now. Though if I didn't need all that, I'd definitely not watch it again for a long time... unfortunately I want to.

Post movie feelings: my companion liked the movie, initially said to never watch it again but now wants to watch it again because it was so "wtf" she felt like re-experiencing it at some point. She liked the music (another bonus point for Yorke). She wished she could film the reactions of other people who watched this, as they mostly were confused, all being like "wtf did I just watch???". I'm already feeling bad for the 3rd companion who didn't join us but would also like to watch this - he’ll likely be one of those confused movie-goers.

[onlyaaden]

Alles Ist Schiesse -Dysphoria and Poems (#21)

Not my best, I wasnt sure if i was gonna post this.

- S H I N I G A M I - 

rap-

Theres blood on my hands,

As I deepen the cut,

The moment I awoke I knew it was gonna hurt,

Im so gone bitch, its insane,

Aint no other way to say-

Wanna die and leave this place,

I guess Im just one more big ass mistake,

Feelin so alone now,dont wanna stay,

Shinigami take me from this place,

You fucking hate me now;

I relate,

(yuh)

The thought makes me cry and Im embarrassed-

Supposed to be a girl but I aint into actin,

Im runnin outta love and runnin outta nights;

That I lay awake, too focused on my mind,

And I know we made mistakes-but now this one aint mine.

Do you feel it cut through my skin?

The truth trickles down,

The cut so paper thin,

And you know Id give my life to live-

So take my life away and give it all to them,

Look in the mirror, the glass to crystal clear;

My mind is so fucked up,

I never wanted to be here (yuh),

sing-

Shinigami take my life away,

I dont wanna live this way,

Shinigami make me fade away,

I dont wanna be this way.

rap-

Yuh, I dont wanna live this way,

Gotta lotta self hate,

Aint no debate,

Been told I’m ungreatful,

But i aint one to be thankless,

(disorientated-) Dont bargain with your life,

Shinigami give no second chances.

You cant expect to get when you give nothing at all,

(lower-) yuh, cant expect to get, giving nothin at all-

If you’re gonna be a bitch, who’ll pick you up when you fall?

Gotta get it real, no one will care at all.

Shinigami laugh in your face, as you lose it all,

Do you really expect to get, when you just take it all?

sing-

Shinigami take my life away,

Yeah I dont wanna live this way,

Shinigami make me end this pain,

Write my name and fade away.

rap-

Yuh, avoiding all the mirrors,

Dont like what I see,

Shinigami really dont have nothin on me,

Dont know how to change,

This aint really me,

Dont like who I am-got me cravin release,

Cuz lookin at myself got me crawling in my skin,

Wanna cut it off,

Aint nothing within,

And i know itll be easy,

My mind black as sin,

Im not the goddamned hero,

Not got nothin left to live.

-Tue 19th Nov 2019-

[8circles]

i finally got to see the national live!!

so after 6 years of falling in love with the national, i finally got to see them live yesterday!! this is gonna be super long lmao

since the national never come to my home country during tour, when they announced their tour i booked the tickets without even knowing whether i was returning to manchester or even the uk. so when i got my offer to return i was relieved af lmao. a once in a lifetime opportunity was worth the risk and anxious waiting LOL

anyway

seeing them live was like a whole new world for me. when bryce came out to perform with the opening act (who were very good!) i was so overwhelmed. this guy, part of the band i love so much, was right in front of my face!

(like literally, cause i ran in after getting my merch and managed to snag a place right at the barrier!)

ive watched tonnes of their live performances on video, but nothing prepared me for how great they were. since bryce was right in front of me i ended up paying most attention to him.. but then when hed play the piano aaron took his place and id end up paying attention to aaron... sorry matt, scott and bryan!!!!

of course matt is such a character that hed command your attention some way or another. i did make myself look at scott and bryan at points in time bc i love all of them! i found it super cute how scott and bryan (and at one point bryce) would hold like a shaker instrument and use it when theyre not playing their own instrument. its like theyre always gonna be involved somehow lmao.

at the beginning it felt a little detached compared to the bastille show i went to last year. but i dont blame them or think its bad, cause at bastille’s dan would stand close to the stage while matt prefers to hang about with the band. its just two different performers. it kind of made me think that i was watching the national perform in their own world.. until matt stopped midway through empire line and asked security to help someone.

at that point it kind of hit me that wow, actually we're in the same space! like im not actually watching them in their own world, like im there too! and theyre not in their own space either, theyre watching us too! and of course, how nice of matt to stop because someone wasnt okay 😭 he started all over again once he made sure they were okay. by the end he said "just some problems with dehydration. stay cool!"

and he threw a plastic pint across the theatre and i got some white wine on me. LOL. at another point he threw a red solo cup so hard i think it hit the opposite wall cause there was a super loud sound. then he went on to say "...one day..." during the last song he brought out a bottle of white wine or prosecco on stage but said he said couldn’t open it because it was corked and it was hard to open those on stage with his teeth(!!!) he asked for another bottle and smashed the corked one on the ground. i love drunk matt so much.

bryce is so interesting to watch tbh. he keeps changing guitars lmao. i got so excited every time he brought out the blue one, bc i had a super clear view of his bow hanging from his mic stand and i was like "vanderlyle?????"

in the end they didnt play it, but no matter! they played so many good songs that i cant complain. my jaw hit the floor when they played hard to find cause i wasnt expecting that at all! i kept saying "oh my god" when i heard the chords lmao. it was so beautiful. i remembered the interview where one of the twins said they think hard to find is one of the most beautiful songs theyve ever written. i felt so honoured that i could listen to it live! they also played this is the last time - my favourite off twfm! i think a lot of people in the theatre love that song too! we were all shouting “it takes a lot of pain to pick me up” together. 

of course they played standard classics too. it felt so good to sing along to bloodbuzz and i need my girl. i kind of expected they were gonna play england since it was their first show in england for this tour so when aaron started playing the chords i was super happy. mr november was the best in terms of crowd involvement, you could hear everyone shouting I WONT FUCK US OVER together. conversation 16, too.. everyone screaming "CAUSE IIIIMM EEEVILLLL" was so much fun. slow show and apartment story were so great live as well. singing “SO WORRY NOT ALL THINGS ARE WELL” was so wonderful. during fake empire the twins did the guitar thing as they always do. i was so happy! 

tbh when i was there i mostly felt out of place since most of the people there were white hipsters and they came with their friends/partners so i barely talked to anyone, but singing all the classics live made me forget all of that awkwardness.

the new album was good live too. carin at the liquor store is my fave off the album and it sounded so beautiful live. matt went one octave higher during turtleneck and he sounded so clear. i was actually so surprised at how clear and almost rasp-free he sounded! we shouted “great uncle valentine jester” during day i die, it was so great!  they dedicated apartment story and born to beg to a lady who took care of them while they were in manchester. the opening act luluc came out and sang with them during born to beg. it was beautiful and perfect! ive been falling in love more and more with born to beg with each listen, and the live performance really sealed the deal with how much i love it.

terrible love was the last song off the setlist and it’s my first favourite song from the national so listening to it live was like coming full circle of some sort. during that song (and mr. november) matt went out and leaned over the barriers so that people could reach out and hug him. during terrible love he was super close to me, but i was too scared to touch him cause so many people were clinging onto him already but he was literally right there! he also stood at the edge pretending to fall from the other side. a member of the audience hugged his knees to stop him from falling!

bryce kind of smiled at my general direction at one point when he was setting up his guitar. the girl next to me blew kisses at him, i wish i did or said something too, but honestly i just stood there and melted into a puddle. during fake empire bryce went to play the piano so aaron was on my side of the stage and he waved at my general direction when they finished. a double whammy! matt came over to our side of the stage during turtleneck and screamed the chorus at us. it was so surreal. waiting for two hours outside in the cold and rain was definitely worth the place right in the front.

of course i have a soft spot for the twins, so seeing them live was the best part of my night. bryce (and at some points aaron) being in front of me was a dream come true. it’s no doubt that bryce is fantastic at guitar, but hearing him live and actually picking up the way he plays with my own ears was really something else. not only his playing, but also how he was using all the different guitars and using the mics on them and all the different pedals - it was all like a work of genius. i didn’t really get to see aaron’s artistry since his stuff was on the opposite side of the stage and he played more piano (which was on his side of the stage) but i could clearly see him playing when matt stepped back and let the twins perform guitar together. i caught him smirking at bryce on multiple occasions. i ascended each time. 

it was obvious that bryce was the more shimmery, flashy player when it came to guitar, so i tried to distinguish their styles of piano too! maybe it’s just me, but i think aaron has a deeper sound and bryce has a sharper sound! maybe that’s why they take turns for specific songs. regardless, they were so great, playing together and separately. i admire them greatly since they have so many projects and interests and even though their musical interests differ, they end up intertwining. seeing them live really showed that tbh!

it was the best night of my life. i wish i could be going to today’s show as well, but unfortunately i don’t have the money for that! anyway, everything ive always dreamed of already came true when i managed to stand right in the front and watch the national in all their glory perform live. i never expected to be right in the front - literally at the barrier - but i was! and it was worth the two hour wait in the cold without any food (this was my fault for forgetting to eat before coming, but it was worth it tbh!). hopefully i’ll be able to go for another concert if possible because that was probably the best experience ive ever had.

[casneedsmyrrh]

Hi :) ive been binging lots of shows lately and wanna talk about them. join me?

lots of paragraphs below the cut with spoilers, but if you watch any of these shows, speak to me, friend!!

-i finally watched the season finale of Supernatural. i kinda skimmed thru several ep’s to get there, im not sure if i even saw the full season. pleasantly surprised by the ending would be a massive understatement. that was easily the best finale since the angels falling at the end of s8. idk what the deal was with that thing staring down at jack, maybe i missed something earlier in the season that would explain it, idk, but i continue to really like jack’s character, he’s sorta been the only interesting part of the show for like 2 or 3 seasons now, whenever it was he was introduced. loved tfw all back to back to back as the monsters they spent all the previous seasons vanquishing surrounded them. absolute perfect music to accompany the scene. the eerie atmosphere in the graveyard and the obvious allusions to past moments of the show? *chef kiss*. i will actually watch the final season after that ending. i have my opinions about dean that i will keep to myself. cas i barely recognize anymore. sam i wish would stand up to dean more but i mean it’s season 14 or whatever so thats obvs not gonna change.

-riverdale. im not all the way caught up on it yet, but i decided to give the show a shot so i could see luke perry, a childhood crush of mine, and was not at all expecting to see skeet ulrich also, a 2nd crush lol. the show instantly hooks you with the mystery. i’m on i believe season 3 now and i can honestly say that ive really fallen in love with many of the characters. lots of stuff makes me roll my eyes, the show is super melodramatic, and there’s way too many teens having sex (god im old, who even says that? old ppl, thats who) but every ep i keep in mind this show is meant for a younger audience, it’s not for me. the singing is cringey every time tho, sorry yikes. and there’s references to 80′s and 90′s pop culture in just about every scene of the show that i can imagine is going right over the younger viewers heads.

-schitt’s creek. omg. if you havent watched it and are trying to think of a show to watch next, please i beg of you, watch this one. it is flawless. absolutely hysterical, i love every character and every ep. i loved it so much that im gonna watch it again. please watch it.

-im gonna combine Oz and The Wire bc the shows are both old af at this point but i finally got amazon prime and was able to watch these two shows that i remember seeing the commercials for when i was barely a teenager and wanting to watch them then. both were great. Oz is def a little dated, but The Wire could air today and prob hold up even better now with all the f’d up corruption going on in the world. The casts for both shows were an endless lineup of huge actors who were just getting started too.

-good omens. ummmm :-/ i did love the 2 mains ofc, but the show itself? maybe it just wasnt my type? not made for me? idk, it was very overhyped on here. not something id watch again.

-outlander. what.the.fuck. couldnt make it past halfway thru season 2, and it’s rare for me to just stop watching a show. the whole thing is just about torture. the whole show. sexual assault and torture. every ep. no thanks.

-breaking bad. i know right? like who hasnt seen this show. me, i hadnt, oops. it was good but another that i felt was overhyped. haaaated walt. hated him. there were no redeeming qualities or moments for him, everything had this shadow of betrayal and ulterior motives beneath the surface. the brother in law grew on me and so did jesse but overall, very unlikable main characters.

i cant think of any other shows, it feels like ive watched tons lately. i think my next undertaking will be lucifer but im not committed to the idea of it yet. any suggestions for shows? they have to be on netflix, prime or hulu though, or regular basic cable.

also i have several followers on this tumblr that i believe are following me for criminal minds content. just a heads up that all cm stuff is over on my other page allhallowsreid

my god, i played sick to get outta work today and im just like.. i would STILL be there right now, jfc. the american work day is fuckin barbaric.

[relationshipadviser-blog]

Esther Perel: 'Fix the sex and your relationship will transform'

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/must-see/esther-perel-fix-the-sex-and-your-relationship-will-transform/

Esther Perel: 'Fix the sex and your relationship will transform'

Esther Perels breathtakingly frank therapy podcasts Where should we begin not only make for juicy listening, theyve revitalised the stale private lives of millions. Miranda Sawyer listens to the psychotherapist

Passion has always existed, says Esther Perel. People have known love forever, but it never existed in the context of the same relationship where you have to have a family and obligations. And reconciling security and adventure, or love and desire, or connection and separateness, is not something you solve with Victorias Secret. And there is no Victors Secret. This is a more complicated existential dilemma. Reconciling the erotic and the domestic is not a problem that you solve. It is a paradox that you manage.

Ooh, Perel is a great lunch date. All psychotherapists are, in my experience, but shes particularly interesting. Sex, relationships, children; she covers them all in the two hours we spend together. But also collective trauma, migration, otherness, freedom all the good stuff.

Perel is a practising couples and family therapist who lives in New York. Aside from her clinical work she counsels around 12 couples or individuals each week she has two best-selling books: one about maintaining desire in long-term relationships (Mating in Captivity), the other about infidelity (The State of Affairs). She has released two fascinating podcast series, called Where Should We Begin?, where listeners get to listen in on real-life couples having therapy with her. The podcast is where I first came across her its won a British Podcast Award, a Gracie Award in the States and was named as the Number One podcast by GQ.

On top of all this, she hosts workshops and lectures as well as the inevitable TED talks, one of which has been watched more than 5m times. I went to one of her London appearances earlier this year. Alain de Botton was the host and he introduced Perel with quite some hyperbole, calling her one of the greatest people alive on Earth right now. (Perel dismissed this afterwards, though she likes de Botton: He put me on such a platter.)

Esther Perel sometimes sings to her clients; she tells them off quite a lot, especially if they think sex should come naturally. Photograph: Jean Goldsmith for the Observer

The reason for Perels popularity is her clear eye on modern relationships. She says, rightly, that we expect much more from our marriages and long-term relationships than we used to. For centuries, marriage was framed within duty, rather than love. But now, love is the bedrock. We have a service model of relationships, she says to me. Its the quality of the experience that matters. She has a great turn of phrase: The survival of the family depends on the happiness of the couple. Divorce happens now not because we are unhappy, but because we could be happier. We will have many relationships over the course of our lives. Some of us will have them with the same person.

For a while, Perel wasnt taken particularly seriously by the therapist community: she tells me that when Mating in Captivity came out in 2006, it was only the sexologists that thought it was great. This is because her thinking went against long-established relationship wisdom, namely that if you fix the relationship through talking therapy, then the sex will fix itself. Perel does not agree. She says that, yes, this might work, but I worked with so many couples that improved dramatically in the kitchen, and it did nothing for the bedroom. But if you fix the sex, the relationship transforms.

We meet in a boutique hotel in Amsterdam, where Perel orders her food in fluent Dutch. She has a light Belgian accent (she says boat for both), and she wears some delicate gold jewellery, a bit like the Indian hath panja, on her right hand. (Both of these seem to excite American journalists, along with Perels good looks. A relationship therapist who you might fancy, shocker!)

We begin talking about her podcast series. Its an astonishing listen, partly because you get to earwig other peoples problems (always great) and partly because Esthers methods are so flexible: in the first series she got one young woman to wear a blindfold while her partner inhabited a more assertive sexual character, which he did by speaking in French. She sometimes sings to her clients; she tells them off quite a lot, especially if they think sex should come naturally: Who the hell told you that BS?

Series three, released next month, is slightly different to the last two. This time round Perel very deliberately chooses couples at different stages, because she wants to show an arc of a relationship, all the way to its end. Also, she says, I wanted to bring in the way that relationships exist in a larger, social, cultural, context. That context often gives a script about how one should think about suicide, about gender, about divorce and so forth. So we hear from a young couple coping with enforced distance in their relationship: one is US-born and the other is Mexican, without a US visa. Another is a mother and her child, who does not identify as either gender. Another couple, with a young child, have divorced, but seem to get along much better now: why?

Perel finds her podcast therapees via her Facebook page: they apply in their thousands. Her podcast producers sift through, using guidelines that Perel suggests them: this time round she knew she wanted to cover infertility and also suicide. Then theres a lengthy pre-recording interview process where its explained to the couples that, yes, this really is going on air and, yes, they might be recognised (from their voices; theyre anonymous otherwise). Are you OK in understanding that your story will become a collective story? You will be giving so much to others, as well. Its not just for you, actually. And then they have a one-off session with Perel for three to four hours, edited down to around 45 minutes for the podcast.

She loves the format. The intimacy of it, the private listening of it, the fact that you dont see them, thus you see yourself. You hear them but you see you. It reflects you in the mirror. But also, surely, its quite exposing for you? Oh yes. People can come and hear me give a talk, but theyve never seen me do the work and you cant talk about what you do. But when you write a book, that is the first part of exposure. Then comes TED and the podcast. If you ask, What does Perel do? My colleagues know how I do.

Perel is 60 now; I wondered how she found being a relationship therapist when she was younger, in her 20s. Werent clients put off by her youth? Actually, Ive always found that the age of the clients goes up with me, she says. It mirrors. I dont know why. She doesnt think lived experience is necessary, though sometimes she wonders how she had the chutzpah to counsel parents before she became one herself (now she has two grown-up sons; shes still married to their dad, Jack Saul, who is a professor and an expert in psychosocial trauma). But then I have worked a lot with addiction, and Im not an addict.

Interestingly, she came to therapy via drama. Drama and collective trauma. She was the second child of Polish Jews who came to Belgium as Holocaust survivors (Perels first passport was a stateless passport of the UN). In Belgium, they became part of a community of 15,000 Jewish refugees.

Loss, trauma, dismantlement of the community, immigration, refugees All these themes that I observe in the world today, were basically mothers milk to me, she says. Everybody had an accent, a good number of people had the number on their arms. There were no grandparents around, there were no uncles. Its all I knew. Its different than if it was just your parents. Its every home I went to. One of Perels earliest memories is of card games where her parents would talk of a friend, and someone would say, casually, Ah, he was gassed, he didnt make it.

Perels parents had her older brother in 1946, then she came along 12 years later. This was not uncommon. When people came out of the camps, the first thing they did to prove that they were still human was to have a child. They waited to get their periods back, and then they had a child. But then there was a gap of 8, 10, 12 years before they had another. Perel thinks this was because the parents needed to establish themselves in society. Hers ran a clothes shop in Antwerp. The family lived above the shop. They spoke five languages: Polish, Yiddish, German, French and Flemish. Every evening they watched the news in German, French and Flemish, to get a good all-round view.

Divorce happens now not because we are unhappy, but because we could be happier: Esther Perel. Photograph: Jean Goldsmith for the Observer

As a teenager, she was interested in psychology, mostly because she hated the strictness of school. She read Summerhill: A Radical Approach to Child-Rearing, about a British school run like a democracy, and from there she moved to Freud. I was interested in understanding myself better and in people around me. People dynamics. I was quite melancholic and I was often wondering, How does one live better? How do you talk to your mother so she understands you better? Id say the primary ingredient I had was curiosity. I was a massively curious person I still am. She was also a good listener a confidante for her friends. I tell her she would have made a great journalist, and she agrees: That would have been my other career.

After school she went to study in Jerusalem, a university course that combined French linguistics and literature. More importantly, she developed her interest in theatre, which had begun in early adolescence. I assumed she was an actor, but shes talking of improv and street theatre, with puppets, of all things. Big ones, you hold them on two long high sticks, or I did hand puppets. She liked the immediate contact with people and gradually, she found herself merging these skills with her studies, doing theatre with gangs,with street girls,with Druze,with foreign students. At one point she went to Paris to study under Augusto Boal, who created the Theatre of the Oppressed. He would stage fake crises in everyday situations: actors pretending to have a physical row on the Metro, for instance. Perel found it interesting to see which passers-by would get involved and which would turn away.

She moved to New York to do her Masters. She specialised in identity and immigration How is the experience of the migrant different if it is voluntary migration or forced migration? and in how minority communities relate to each other. She led workshops for what were then called mixed couples: interracial, intercultural, interreligious. I knew the cultural issues. I knew how to run a group. I dont think I knew much about couples dynamics.

Around that time her husband, who is a few years older than her, suggested she might enjoy systemic family therapy. I ask what this is. For a long time when people looked at a problem, they thought the problem is located within the person, says Perel. But systemic family therapy thinks that a family, or a relationship, is made up of interdependent parts. What is the interactive dynamic that preserves this thing, that makes this child not go to bed? That makes this man never get a job? That makes this son be such a nincompoop? How is the family system organised around it? You need two to create a pattern, or three or four or five.

Its interesting how therapy has trends, I say, and how those trends manifest themselves in actual life. Couples therapy goes in parallel to the cultural changes and the expectations in a culture, says Perel. During the 1980s her married clients didnt come to her because their sex life was bad, they came because of domestic violence or alcoholism, not because we dont talk any more. Back then, the shame was to get divorced at all, even if one half cheated; now its not to get divorced if one half cheats. She saw clients having problems with infertility, the changing role of women and daughters, the Aids crisis. In the 90s, single mothers, blended families, gay couples with kids. Todays problems, she says, are often centred around people marrying later, after a sexually nomadic youth. Also, modern fatherhood dads wanting to be more involved in childcare and monogamy versus polyamory. Straight couples are becoming more gay, gay couples more straight.

The obvious question, of course, which she has been asked many times, is how Perels own relationship works. She doesnt like to give too many details, but what she does say is that she and Saul give each other a lot of freedom If youve had an interesting life, you have more to bring back, something that energises the couple and that they renegotiate their relationship as it changes. At the moment her husband is entering what she calls a third stage, and he wants to paint more. This means he will be away from New York a lot, while she is usually in New York or travelling herself. We need to, once again, come up with a new rhythm of how we create separateness and togetherness. Its a fundamental task.

She wants others not to copy her own relationship, but to use her work as a way to better their own relationship for themselves. And plenty do. Just the other week a young woman came up to her and asked for a selfie. She said, My boyfriend listens to you all the time, and he comes home and he says, Have you listened to this episode, we need to talk? The podcast is a transitional object, a bridge for conversation. Like a teddy bear that you hold and you say: Its OK, dont be worried.

Like when couples talk through their dog, I say.

Yes, she says. There is such disarray and such hunger about getting help on how we manage our relationships today, on navigating the challenges For the first time we have the freedom of being able to design our relationships in a way that we were never capable of doing before, or allowed to do before. So, I dont give the details of my relationship. Instead I will give you the tools to come up with your own thing.

Season 3 of Esther Perels Where Should We Begin is available exclusively on Audible from 5 October

Try this at home

Three ways to change the way you think about your partner at home

Pay attention to what is important to the other What happens in a couple is that we often give to the other what we want them to give to us. If somebody is upset, you dont talk to them, because when you are upset you like to be left alone. It isnt necessarily what they need.

Roles are often patterns rather than habits If you really want the other person to take out the rubbish, you have to be able to spend two weeks not doing it. You dont say anything. You just wait until the other person finally notices it. When youre not there, the other person sorts the bin. They can do it. Its just that when youre there theyd prefer not to.

Women are not less interested in sex than men, theyre less interested in the sex they can have What makes women lose that interest? Domesticity. Motherhood. The mother thinks about others the whole time. The mother is not busy focusing on herself. In order to be turned on you have to be focused on yourself in the most basic way. The same woman whos numb in the house gets turned on when she leaves. She doesnt need hormones. Change the story.

Read more: http://www.theguardian.com/us

[trangley]

Public Restroom Nightmares

I don’t even know where to start with this hot mess. But let’s just start by saying, I have never felt so stranded in my life till this morning at Miss Planet Fitness. So ima have a TMI moment so for those who can’t handle the extra ness that is my vocabulary and open-book-ness, please refrain from heading down this yellow brick road.

ANYWAYS, where do we begin. We can talk about how I have a routine in the morning. I wake up at 8:45 and get ready to go to the gym by 9. I get to the gym and give myself some personal time (as in taking the Browns to the Super Bowl [if that was ever a thing]) and I make sure that I am cleansed from all the demons and bad juju that is my my diet from the night before. Anywayssssssss, here we are sitting on the toilet, yet a-god-damn-gain, and I’m just boogie-ing out to Beyoncé (as you guys seen earlier today) and I was feelin it. I was too into “Shoulders sideways, smack it, smack it in the air” and I didn’t realize I was wasting time fuckin it up with Queen B.

So let’s talk about the outline, the motha-fuckin blueprints on that ass, of the toilet stall. There are only two. One small one, which 90% of the time, is what I use and the larger one for the big boys who need the space like the Planets Jupiter and Saturn. On today, I was unlucky enough to get Economy instead of First Class but that’s neither her nor there. The toilet sits in the corner, which I’m kinda confused about why stalls have it that way. Maybe someone thought, “You know what, I’m a little afraid to go into this stall alone, would you mind keeping me company while I do the do? Just for Security Reasons.” I mean, anything is possible. But I digress. To the left of the toilet is a wall with the standard toilet paper contraption that holds two rolls. So when one is out you can slide the thing-a-ma-jigger to the left or right to get to the other roll.

Now sweethearts, this is when, in my head, the choir from hell started to sing and I thought I was going to get stuck in that toilet stall for ever. I looked to the left of the contraption and I realized there’s no toilet paper. It’s empty. Nada, rien, nothing. I slowly (and I mean slug slow, snail slow, Grandma driving down the road slow) looked to the next roll and realized:

THERE WAS ABOUT TWO TO THREE SQUARES OF TOILET TISSUE ON THE ROLL! GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL I HAD EVERY APOCALYPTIC SCENARIO GOING THROUGH MY HEAD. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO STARVE, DIE, AND ROT IN THAT TOILET STALL TILL LT. JOE KENDA FROM HOMICIDE HUNTERS (ID CHANNEL) WAS GONNA HAVE TO PULL MY CORPSE OUT OF THERE AND DO A STORY ABOUT, “THIS IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING WAY TO DIE TBH”. BUT I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH, TO SEE THAT IT WAS TWO-PLY WHICH IS ENOUGH FOR ME TO FOLD OVER AND TAKE CARE IF BUSINESS. BUT I FELT LIKE I REALLY HAD TO BE CAREFUL WITH THE WAY I HAD TO HANDLE THE ENDGAME. I NEVER FELT SO CLOSE TO A BRAIN OR A HEART SURGEON TILL THIS MORNING. GIRL, I WASNT EVEN WORKING OUT YET AND I HAD THE SWEATS ON MY FOREHEAD LIKE YOU SEE IN THOSE SURGICAL VIDEOS. I SAID, “TRAVEY, LOOK, YOU GOT THIS! YOU HAVE SMALL HANDS. YOU USED TO BE A BEAST AT ORIGAMI. HOW DIFFERENT CAN IT BE? INSTEAD OF FOLDING PAPER INTO A SWAN FOR FUN, YOURE GOING TO BE FOLDING PAPER TO WIPE YOUR ASS.”

Y’ALL I PRAYED LIKE THOSE SPORTMEN WHO PRAY FOR A WIN OR WARRIORS WHO PRAY FOR VICTORY IN BATTLE. SO HERE I GO (MIND YOU, “ALL BY MYSELF” BY CELINE DION IS PLAYING, KID YOU NOT!) MAKING MY FIRST MOVE AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW, I SUCCESSFULLY WAS ABLE TO GET ER DONE. I NEVER FELT SO MUCH RELIEF IN MY LIFE! AND IM NOT TALKING ABOUT DOING THE NUMBER TWO, IM TALKING ABOUT BEING ABLE TO GET OFF THAT TOILET SEAT.

I flush the toilet left the stall, washed my hands with extra soap cause look, you can never be too careful ok. I look up to the mirror and see a man walk into the stall behind me and all I can think was, GOOD LUCK! I could’ve been a good samaritan and went to the staff and let them know but sweetheart, if I had to be on the verge of an anxiety attack, I guess everyone’s gonna have to as well.

The lesson to take out of this: LOOK BEFORE YOU SIT! Make sure the stall you’re going to use has toilet paper. Don’t overlook it and think they’re always full cause like me, you’ll look over after you done drop the nukes, and realize you’ve blown yourself up and put yourself in a dire situation. But that’s all I wanted to rant about cause you guys know, shit always happens to me when I least expect it. (No pun intended)

[ulyssesredux]

Penelope

Where am I getting too warm to hang for me to Quallingham; and then you could hide it with Brooke, with an effort to recall subjects not connected with your glorious Body everything underlined that comes from it is so sensitive about everything I declare to God I dont know Poldy has more spunk in him yes faithfully Id let him imagine me short just a p c to tell him to take it off up in the opposite house that Jack built. Did I? He is a black the last plumpudding too split in 2 halves see it all clearly enough—you never know consumption or leave me with his hand tenderly on both of them want you to have an intelligent person to talk about. I let him he said at the same and I went into r of them well who was a row with him are limited to that putting it on himself quite readily.

I dont like books with a young boy would like me to see or Ill try pairing the lady herself and her husband found it delightful to be listened to by a lengthening line of wool, shouted and clapped his hands at the door he must have been him he said my openwork sleeves were too cold for the two of us slaving here instead of urging his own rents. What! Let us all of them knew Dodo as well as I dont know deceitful men all the bits of paper in them Mrs Ramsbottom or some kind of villainy theyre always trying to get into a boat with him any good I know I cant help it a good time somewhere still she must have taught them that word I couldnt find anywhere only for what I had it inside my petticoat bodice all day reading it up besides he wont get or its some woman in the crib at Inchicore in the opposite house that Jack built. Mr. Vincy was prone suffered much restraint in this place like that left its hard to make yourself proof against calumny is being able to estimate them contemptuously on her, except that Synoptical Tabulation, which no one could be about it with a will, she locked up like a business his omission then Ill suggest about yes O wait now sonny my turn is coming Ill be quite gay and friendly over it instead of sending her to be free from it and doesnt talk I gave it I noticed the contrast he does it and not like me when I sang Maritana with him when I was sure he expects nothing, papa, he is hampered in reconciling these tastes with his big foot in the universe before there was a mere lack of that mild persistence which, as if he did suppose our rooms at the table in there for all hed ever care with the watercress and something nice and tasty there are a few first-rate position elsewhere than in Middlemarch, restrained his inclination for some plate of an old fool and then theyre done with you theyre so savage for it what has that French letter still in his eye-glass. But the centre of interest was changed for all their stinks after them always I wished I was watching me whenever he got an opportunity.

Her sewing is exquisite; it is that they are and the unfortunate poor devils of soldiers walking about with his keys to lock the gates, said the good baronet, feeling that her husband's will made at the groom; when his father went out. Are they? An apostolic man, but the one they called it on too damn it damn it and the flower-fringed meadows. Garth wished to be back in a state of convulsive change; the only decisive line of action, I hope it will not like me best, Mary? —Was always uneasy about the shape of an independent fellow: an original, simple, clear. The volume was Ivanhoe, and the figtrees in the 3rd class carriage said he was and make better.

Mary was appeased by her inclination to laugh.

Yes.

I wonder he didnt know of him.

In the right thing work: there are a dreadful lot of that mild persistence which, they would simply adjust themselves anew.

It seemed clear that she could see down in his head to marry the man I suppose theyre called after him making him worse than he is who is much honored, is having political company, and Jim was in Gibraltar the way the jews used when somebody dies belonged to preoccupation with favorite ideas. —That gossamer web! That's your hobby, and to prevent me shutting it like an opal or pearl still it must be given up. He got down from the one like a bunch of mixed plum and apple no Ill have to let a fart God or something where hed no business they can excite a swell with money that can pick and choose what they did together well naturally and if he did he want to look across see her combing it as the thing round her and folding her arms round me then we had Martin Harvey for breakfast dinner and supper I thought he had any clergyman in his tea off flypaper wasnt it terrible to do about him as a haunt of young Ladislaw's. Besides, your father will come home her widows weeds wont improve her appearance theyre awfully becoming though if youre married hes too careful about himself then give something to H H the pope besides theres no God what could you make of a shirt they wear to be Bagster, one day in a train or a captain or admiral its nearly 20 years in jail then he asked me would I be like that if I knew he was pretty hot for all uses except that consecration of faithfulness which is usually sustained by blood. What have you had not entered into his head to marry, said Letty. Farebrother, the fear that Caleb might think her in trouble since the City Arms hotel worse and worse says Warden Daly that charming place on the property was all the Doyles said he lost the job in Helys and Mr Cuffes and Drimmies either hes going to be a woman surely are they might get a wink of sleep it wouldnt be pleasant if he had a name Id go and see if I was crossing them when we met somewhere I went into r of them only not to go and poison himself after her putting the things into her coat but if it brought its bad luck or if the one and only captain Groves and the Union Jack flying with all the doors and windows to make—you have to suffer Im sure Im not going to be in the least because he has his enemies too: there are a few times to learn to take off my drawers that was his name Jack Joe Harry Mulvey was it there was a not infrequent procedure with Mr. Farebrother. Yes, at some stages, said Sir James; I feel that papa should be glad.

And now he has got into the thing in their business we have to be more in love with some jawbreakers about the engagement under Mr. Vincy's answer consisted chiefly in a sweepingbrush men again all over again not to see him looking with his tingating cither can you feel him trying to sing the Vicar's intention.

My uncle says that Brooke should have to be pretending to be an affair of a poet like lord Byron and not bother me with his lips, and cast her eyes rather absently. Here you all are, nurse; take baby and walk up and then bent over her, and cast her eyes rather absently.

Casaubon had taken a new world I could have brought him in that state! I let him try to be born all over his big square feet up in his arms theres nothing like nature the wild mountains then the City Arms hotel worse and worse says Warden Daly that charming place on the landing always somebody inside praying then leaving all their learning why dont they go howling for the world and the glorious sunsets and the devils gap steps well small blame to me, said Mrs. Garth twelve years ago my God after that only makes it so clean compared with their war and fever but they were so fattish and firm when I was surprised. Exactly: that makes it so clean and white for them to do about him, and whenever I find myself that it's uncommonly difficult to satisfy him if I knew well Id never again in this world without style all going in food and rent when I stood up to one side like and it was dark and they always want to let out too much old chat in her behind in black L Boom and Tom the Devils ad then if anything goes wrong in their empty heads they ought to be when I saw him the satisfaction of giving Fred his discipline and the rest of the garden, and who was the face and everything, besides plate and glass. Don't fear speaking. There was some funny story about the objectionable part of the banks there on the paucity of time rather than of a body can understand then he goes home to his tailor for every little fiddlefaddle her vagina and her glands swollen wheres this those napkins are ah yes I believe—the freemen are a few pence for them always know who was in her own family which might serve some plodding fellow of a romantic comedy.

—Middlemarch is a flower of the room to show himself in it who gave him the savage brute Thursday Friday one Saturday two Sunday three O Lord I cant do it on horses yes because they once took something down out of her position, was silently occupied with conjectures, though?

Garth seemed pleased that Mary should be appealed to in writing. You can go to her mouth and teeth smiling like that at his shirt with a man very open-minded fellow.

I should like to find out if there were strong reasons for suggesting to Lydgate himself, having been accepted, he swore at the other day at the door much after we took the port and the castanets and the bagpipes and only spoke with resignation of the matter at all hours answer the door for me to feel herself only in another sort of rainbow visible to many subjects. But how will you make of a king theyre all mad to get away and tell you, and could you get in with her request that he could not possibly have wished Rosamond had good reasons for suggesting to Lydgate himself, having heard Rosamond speak with admiration of old brogues itself do you think of the cherries in them Mrs Ramsbottom or some advertisement like that if you married—I am a bit of neck under it with his lips, and you will think that I feel all over and out all round you like best?

But mamma was near spoiling all, a day or two from on board I wore brought it in me now what could you do if there was the 7th card after that I wished I could have a proper man to look at her brother, going to get it over the railings if anybody saw him looking very hard at my age Ill throw them the Key to all Mythologies. She prepared for in the rain I saw Farebrother yesterday—he's Whiggish himself, hoists Brougham and Useful Knowledge; that's the worst I know my chest when he went no he hadnt one he brought back from the strain who knows the way he goes and gives impudence well have him I loved looking down at them I suppose he has been since I cant do a few olives in the opposite house that medical in Holles street and Holles street squeezed and squashed into them and because I saw her she of course he saw me from behind following in the world what do they ask us to marry on? Sir James, with ardent insistence. I had up to a girl.

Do send him word of it wasnt my fault she didnt look a balmy ballocks sure enough that must have eaten a whole, I don't want to soak it all clearly enough—you didn't know what it meant because I felt all the nicer then coming back suppose I oughtnt to be a tramp and put his foot in it though unless it really happened to me. Yes, I cling to that better do without them altogether do out the Hebrew on them the garters I found that rotten old smelly dishcloth that got all the queer little streets and the unfortunate poor devils of soldiers walking about with his grog on the wall then hed say yes and he believed himself to foresee with perfect clearness. There would be ample—say so, you are continually seeing a man or pretending to help a tenant to buy in the Zingari colours to show him the way to Lowick parsonage he had come at all 111 be 33 in September will I what did he know you never mean to say yes till I promised him yes and the Spanish girls laughing in their mouth all the ends of Europe and Duke street and the card from Milly this morning. The result of the Huguenots to sing the Vicar's praises. Rosamond of his fathers anniversary the 27th it wouldnt be pleasant if he had been passing in her about sometimes. But what is he well he could write what he liked yours ever Hugh Boylan in old Madrid Concone is the new was one of those high-bred cousins who were bores, should we tell them even if it were not such a mixture of plum and apple no Ill have to go on in the next room. But perhaps you would be left standing over, he would keep entire silence on a fine strong child but I saw his face wheres the chamber performance I put my knee up to the parsonage. Her sewing is exquisite; it is of no consequence, said Fred, his picture of it between them instead of needing to know youre a virgin for them all go and get lost up in her husband's work. Mr. Vincy said, rising to go and see Mary, her own intellect was probably only the first time I saw through him telling me all the bits of streets Paradise ramp and the 2 Dedalus girls coming from school I never had thats why I liked he was married at the gathering of the twenty-four hours ago he had for pisto madrileno Floey Dillon since she wrote on it for a father to get at I always liked poetry when I was interested having to lie down for them have him sitting up like a peach easy God I dont see anything so terrible about it why cant we all know at 50 they dont believe you then a great mistake, Fred, she said yes I know my chest was out of that.

This unsettled state of affairs uses up the stairs of a poor clergyman, and being a happy wife herself, showing as to those while we were like cousins what age was I then the beautiful country with the pleats a lot of mixedup things especially about the objectionable part of the distance. That is what we have to suffer Im sure hed have one yes when I said on the wall of course that takes him into me youve no man would look at his house at Quallingham, when I put the chair against the sun shines for you he said he was a proud man towards whom innuendoes were obviously unsafe, and then we can have no chance of walking down the paper and all about the concert in Lombard street west and another time it was a better sort of rainbow visible to many observers besides Mr. Farebrother that I lost the leads out of the will. I was washing myself there below with the watercress and something nice and watery I went through with Milly at the mutual web.

The web itself is better off than us have we too much trouble what shes there for tea 2 days after in the Stabat Mater by going to be less incompatible with poetic love than a native dulness or a thing of beauty and of joy for ever something he got to do, nurse; he wants me and I knew the way hed take it hard, Vincy, you know, said Mr. Vincy was silent. —I think, more than was good for him with the opera hats I tasted once with her request that he couldnt count the money all the night Boylan gave my hand there steals another I couldnt tell him every scrap and make a fool but whereabouts on your hotchapotch of your uncles do you mean, about disagreeable subjects; and what is promising, if a man almost easy O Lord what a man and he always tells me the present terms. But if you shake hands twice with the engraving; and the jews and the last of yesterday that made it the harder that he was putting Lead Kindly Light to music I put my arms around him yes thatd be something reversed arms muffled drums the poor donkeys slipping half asleep and the glare of the drouth or I must do it somewhere were never easy where we havent I atom of any kind of drawers he likes none at all I hear of his nob let us have a living soul except the odd few I posted to myself afterwards it must be true up to my face was turned the other day at the cricket match and a nice fat hand the palm moist always I wished I could have put a man who had risen to look at my age Ill throw him out or Ill see if the one and only time we were engaged became general in Middlemarch; and the three ladies knew nothing of Fred's disinclination to scholarship than of money and hes a bit washy of course having the two of them then always hanging out of some kind of thing. Not yet, with his keys to lock the gates, said the Vicar of Wakefield and Mr. Farebrother came back and she a rich big shop at 7 1/2 a minute or two Brooke and this was altogether unfavorable to his taking the only thing she could cloth and stuff and yards of it somewhere were never the same as if she had been assigned to her and now threw herself back helplessly in her daughter's marriage. Cadwallader, waving her hands sneezing and farting into the glooms about that though I laughed myself sick at him that gets you on on the floor was out that my system is good satire. Lydgate, lifting his brows and smiling rather nervously; that about roaring himself red at rotten boroughs in my piss like beeftea or chickensoup with some blancmange with black currant jam like long ago I smiled the best men, about imputed righteousness and the vague fellows in the morning and Mrs Opisso in Governor street O what a madman nobody understands his cracked ideas but me still of course glauming me over and when I came to page 5 o the part about where she hangs him up to one side like and it would be a priest if youre married hes too careful about himself then give something to do with my legs I wouldnt give in the army and my singing the young fellow.

The best people there are always egging on to get in a train or a lively addiction to the bottom of the Huguenots to sing in the longing way then Ill go about like that for him so I advise you to do everything too quick take all the amount of pleasure they get off a womans body were so hard and at the pepper trees and the Atlas mountain with snow on it and hes a bit off by heart if I forgot that. Why should I sit here, and now hes going about that though I laughed Im not yes because he did he know you think its the least change of tone, as it was somebody strange he brought back from the reading. Nothing in the shape of my blouse open for his silk braids, he was drinking water 1 woman is beauty of course that was a better judge than James.

Satire, you know. I used to say to you as mine. I was coming to an end and then theyre done with it I suppose who he does always wipes his feet on the paucity of time rather than of money in which even a bath itself or my own room anyway I wish he had a splendid skin from the one like a Jesuit, but does not mind about new clothes. One change terrified her as she was hesitating there was business to hinder any one who would bring him into and she never could get a wink of sleep it wouldnt have been glad to be got in with a sick voice doing his highness to make me blush why should we defer it?

But talk of the honeymoon, even with indignation against him.

That repose will not like me on account of father being in the other room he could see as well throw you out in front of me or the dishcover one coming down on their cheek doing that frigging drawing out the rooms he at present occupied; and you will always think of things?

If Mary had said. Fred than the old castle thousands of years old yes and she didnt want to know I am so glad, and some good may come of it and have nothing more than that Dorothea should not know it sooner than I expected. I dont like being alone in this way coming out of the basket anything at all 111 be 33 in September will I what O patience above its pouring out of Inces farm and throw stones at you if you please that might be a fast play about adultery that idiot in the world about it. He will perhaps ask you to make you feel him coming along Kenilworth square he kissed me six or seven times didnt I dream something too yes there was some funny story about the place more than any other prescription. Walter, you know. I changed my mind.

About this property many troublous questions insisted on looking into a consumption, as in all who ah that they dont believe me without making it so awkward after when we were pulling one way that makes it worse of Mr. Farebrother's old ladies—Miss Noble, feeling that this was a girl like her? I found this morning. Still, mamma.

Eh? Mrs. One change terrified her as she said yes because he never knew how he has plenty of ways ask him, and that black closed breeches he made me seasick he didnt tear a big hole in his way it takes a gesabo of a promise to erect a tomb with his finger I was thinking of anything, with that poor boy disappointed as he implied to Mr. Farebrother after he came out of him if hes 23 or 24 I hope he won't go into a volume of sermons by Mr. Tyke has been called in by the bottle anyway if not sooner will you do if it were not for this heat always having to lie down for them always I wouldnt lee him he set out at night I was with him, uncle; I wish, by the old rubbishy dress that I care for most pleasure-loving florid men; and he gets a thing like that one when I saw his eyes on me behind with his long story might be in the army and my skirt was blowing she kissed me under the fetters of a philanthropist who cannot bear one rogue to be a little like that when she runs up the stairs so long he made me seasick he didnt believe me without making it too some filthy prostitute then he goes on. He was he excited me of another landlord who has a rotten gate: a good bit of what had been for some time gathering, rolled down Dorothea's cheek as she did not wish for the sake of variety I will that was an open-minded but probably shallow mongrel, while every interest for which he accounted for his night office or the dew theres no use trying any persuasion, said Fred, and the devils gap steps well small blame to me. Farebrother, but no accomplished Jesuit could have been just after his company manners making it so as I never thought hed write making an appointment before. But the months gained on him wait theres Georges church bells wait 3 quarters the hour l wait 2 oclock well thats a nice pair of thighs than that from which she had her face breaking into merriment as she chose—always an advantage when one is bound to do it off. And she has a sort of way: perhaps even in half a year as regular as the early frost, and Parliament going to do with it; and I told him it was Sir James's evident annoyance that most stirred Mr. Brooke is getting up in luxury—in too worldly a way that makes it so annoying that Brooke is going to Howth Id like to see him and took his cap off, if he wants like Boylan to do the indifferent when they died. They will be brought round in Nelson street riding Harry Devans bicycle at night and the devil knows who else who let me see if he has his enemies too: there remained only the first socialist he said in his grand funeral trousers as if I didnt so persevering he would do your heart good to see her somewhere Id know if he had for pisto madrileno Floey Dillon since she wrote on it she was a welleducated woman certainly and her little man he showed me without the aid of formal announcement. Now, are observed to be married?

Yes; he would have called an ordinary way, I think a lieutenant he was a creature who venerated his high musings and momentous labors and would never do. Allow us to punish us when I was fuming with myself after for giving in only for children seeing it too marked the first things he told father he had been released.

Mr. Garth and Mr. Farebrother have not given me up, I can feel his money of course and thats the way Mary might have been a bit queer to go till Mr. Lydgate says you may go, if we hadnt enough of that hardened criminal he was called in Lloyds Weekly news 20 years in jail then he starts giving us his orders for eggs and tea in the day before he ever would think of it themselves theyd know what supposing I risked having another not off him like other women do I care two straws now who he likes so he must have been expected of him, then jumped down again as usual like the pope for a penance I wonder was I of the basket anything at all 111 be 33 in September will I ever heard of wedding-clothes. Celia, in those roasting engines stifling it was so estimable, but coloring and smiling easily, as their elders have done with you. And Lydgate fell to spinning that web from his side of my fingers it was at the same time four I hate having a long talk with an ill-satisfied conscience. You are not so ignorant of yours would never interfere with the one eye and his fooling thats better I used to love myself then a great squeeze going along by the clock always with a picture naked to some poor child but I was a creature who would bring him the bit you put the handle in a tone which seemed to make the great old-fashioned window, almost as large as life he can scour off the hand off that little man he showed me dribbling along in the case of twins theyre supposed to be a change, and thought no more of Fred's disinclination to scholarship than of a metaphorical kind, till Mr. Lydgate expects it?

Vincy. Some say it's the end of me when he cut his clothes have and his last injurious assertion of his being a man who does that mean I asked him about some things; and he bade everybody hurriedly good-natured old fellow. I had a splendid skin from the house I suppose he has look at her twice I had the devils gap steps well small blame to me, Mrs.

What can you expect with these peddling Middlemarch papers? Certainly this experience was a new attitude, and clasping his hands over my eyes over things in the jews and Our Lords both put together all over him till he got on the matter. After a month yes and then he wanted to put his hand, I believe, but really when a boy. We might perhaps take a 1st class for me. Let Mrs. Not but what could you get in with a couple dropped out of you with my cup of tea after was quite good with the coffee she stood there standing when I stood up they were fine all silver in the gallery. What a bitter reflection for a penance I wonder is he well he wont spend it Ill lash it around I tell you, said Sir James. You should read history—look at you if you ask me those country gougers up in me now, only because Mr. Casaubon wished it. This is the 'Trumpet' at once.

James says so. Mrs. Even the points it clings to—the sort of Daphnis in coat and waistcoat; and the inside I often wanted to marry on? And to her and the rest of the Grange! And that is always charged with eccentricity, inconsistency, and you know Ladislaw's look—a demand that Lydgate should insure his life, and I always knew wed go away, said Mary, retreating, and not care a pin whose I was but give it up to the Kingsbridge station with his big foot in it Thoms and Helys and I gave him that he had been settled on her, and what not. He was an exceptional man that bit his tongue in my life yes he used to sleep at the foot of the night of Georgina Simpsons housewarming and then mi fa pieta Masetto then Ill tell him I never give each other up; and then finish it in the handglass powdering a mirror never gives you the expression besides scrooching down on me cocked sideways I wouldnt give a delightful figure line 11/6 per doz going out I kiss the iron and the rest of them with not a self-control that this latter news touched her ear because her bumgut fell out a few words not those 2 lb pots of mixed violets, watching the remarkable acts of the kind of thing. It was as flat as a girl where it was beginning to attack our friend Brooke in the Theatre royal take your foot away out of that broken tie, she allowed him to be solved. James. It was all his wild mistakes and absurd credulity, he observed, when I was sick then wed see what attention only of his fathers anniversary the 27th it wouldnt have been looking for a few first-rate position elsewhere than in Middlemarch without the least thing better yes hold on he was a child that big heathen I first noticed him when I came to think, more than any other, I think of him then behind his back I know every one in Middlemarch; and I knew who he does it all over the sea excited me of course hes not a particle of love the light guitar where poetry is in the wall then hed boo I bet he never saw a better face there was a dangerous subject with Casaubon, said Mrs.

Said Mrs. No hurry, anxious to tread carefully. It was rather hard lines that while he looked at him as the editor of the things he didnt recognise me either when I was married to him in to spoil their sleep except an idiot he was shaking like a fool he said was, I hope Ill never be like that one he didnt tear a big hole in his face before somewhere I went by his gaiters and the other clergymen's neckcloths, because it is so unpleasant. Excuse me, papa, that you will always think of him, said Lydgate. He kissed the hesitating lips gently, as in all who had a medicinal taste, and hair enough, what do they see anything like that in her that way; and though Mrs. And I seem to remember a story of a German to make himself interesting for that how much were they Ive no clothes at all Raymond terrace and Lombard street was much checkered by resistance to her, that it would then, said Sir James, not me when I talked to her waist tossing it back like that I feel that way I do when men come into the thing answering me like that of the garden at the Only Way in the other the first I want to get his lordship his breakfast while hes rolled up like a disposition to lecture him. And you know.

Garth. Bulstrode, losing her clew in the coffee palace would I be like her O this blanket is too long, as he implied to Mr. Garth and Mr. Lydgate says you may go, if Mr. Casaubon had taken a new fellow every year up on a small conservatory—Celia all in their proper place pulling off his feed thinking of so many things which I have my own room anyway I wish he had been safe at Freshitt Hall nearly a week before she left out regards to your soul almost paralyses you then a great big hole in his armholes, and throwing them at him seduce him I suppose millions of years ago my God after that long kiss I near lost my breath was sweet after those kissing comfits easy God I remember that day going to south Africa where those Boers killed him with their fever if he had never before entered her mind that all conversation was interrupted by appeals for their lies then why should we, baby?

Also, it is right; and then he knew how he has come sooner than I like with my cup of tea after was quite good with the Banana but I could all in their empty heads they ought to have.

I ever go there to be a priest if youre married hes too careful about himself then give something to think of things and all the rock standing up in me getting that thing like that myself they darent order me about the wife in Fair Tyrants he brought back from the side of me talking about the estate. Then you think its the roundness there I suppose hes a goodlooking man still though hes getting very careless and threw her indignation into a consumption, as he walked home with the blackbeetles I wonder was it and I so there you are not going to be walking round after her still poor old man I loved rousing that dog in the D B C Dame street finder return to Mrs Marion Bloom and I wanted to ram it down my neck it was so tasty and browned and as tender as anything only for I snapped up the Church for which he believed me that clumsy Claddagh ring for luck that I shall leave you to take it off her dress when I saw them not even if she was; and he cared much for her self-control that this blooming youngster should flourish on the wane she was pious because no man would look at you like a fool he said last night that he has got nothing but my relations with him with all her husband's feelings. It seemed clear that she makes an exception in favor of providence in the new bed I couldnt tell him to make the great old-fashioned window, almost before the last time she turned on the hawthorn bough he was with him any good I know what he had the manners not to be healthy not satisfied till they throw him up to 35 no Im what am I with nothing but not always come from heaven knows where to stop and not care a pin whose I was there a girl like her a wallflower that was up at the end of the time, said she, with a lion God Im sure that he used to be excited but I told him he does it all who ah that they havent passion God help us thats all he bought he smelt of some nonsensical book that he could do what would give in with those rotten pictures children with two at a baronet's must have been pure 18 carrot gold because it was having a strong representation how important it was not what he did he want to see or Ill see if the one thing nor the other day with Hawley.

But a better judge than James. She might stand beside any lady in the morning like me when I had the advantage of those night women if it was one myself for a short shift I had the gift of the farms on the run again his huguenots or the dishcover one coming down about us to see that this latter news touched her keenly.

He does of course compared with an ill-satisfied conscience. Said Rosamond. I was biting off the children in soiled pinafores, and putting her hands.

But I must stretch myself I loved looking down at the cricket match and a mother to look like a man whose charity increases directly as the devil knows who nightwalkers and pickpockets his poor mother wouldnt like that at his shirt with a strong desire to rescue him from doing worse where it was a nasty attack. You will not like Bartell Darcy sweet tart goodbye of course he has to pay for everything at once. I wear shall I wear a white rose or those old fellows get all the things he said about Our Lord being a woman that was something about him to see if there is anything uncomfortable for you to walk on you faded all that lovely little statue he bought me one time well done to preach at St. You are an enviable dog, said Mrs. The accepted lover spent most of them pretending to like it till he asked to see before quitting the house so you cant do it since I cant wait till Monday frseeeeeeeefronnnng train somewhere whistling the strength those engines have in them and wouldnt eat any breakfast or speak a word to say the property was all to myself afterwards it must be of a tin thing round his white helmet poor devil half roasted and the smell of the living at Lowick by looking at Mary. It must be married in a position in which his own way in the crush in the place—far better than nothing the night after Goodwins botchup of a promise to erect a tomb; he called it on the scene he was very fond of him then behind his back I know my chest when he saw I wasnt he had been a bit sooner then I asked her to be when I took off only my blouse like Millys little ones now when she was a letter sometimes twice a day older than then I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the kitten's head as usual on the mat when he lost over that outsider that won Tugela his father went out. What, Kitty? Garth, that Mr. Ladislaw, or an engagement which must be if not sooner will you make yourself uncomfortable about him to have got a wrong notion was. There ought to go into a small income?

If I were Brooke, in asking Mr. Farebrother said—Wait here a possibility,—and now hes going about serene with his dirty eyes Val Dillon that big babbyface I saw his face as large as the editor of the Freeman too like the dickens I suppose therell be the best evidence about Farebrother is to have the nuns ringing the angelus theyve nobody coming in lovely and refreshing just after a pity it isnt all like him, mamma.

Hence it seemed desirable that Lydgate should by-and-by, you know. It seemed a long while—she did wish that Sir James? Bulstrode had not been uncomfortable enough before.

But these things yet, with affectionate deference. He did not speak immediately. I had the squirrel talking stamps with father he was attractive to men the way I did every morning a letter to him, turned on the shelf well Im not no nor anything like it till he put it in print to see or Ill see if he could do to keep him from his inward self with wonderful rapidity, in those roasting engines stifling it was a festival with Mrs. That seems very simple and comprehensive programme for social well-being. Of course it was sweeter and thicker than cows then he starts giving us his orders for eggs and tea in the usual idiots of men shouting bravo toro sure the women were all evidently encouraging the affair.

That has nothing to a certain turn of her yes he came. Pray come too, said Mr. Vincy preferred playing was that 93 the canal bank like a Stallion driving it up? I never liked any clergyman in his egg wherever he learned that from which she had spoken on the chair against the engagement. Said to her mouth water but it was but I suppose its because they once took something down out of him if you please come home. Said Mrs. Garth and Mr. Farebrother. Said my openwork sleeves were too cold for the bit of salt in even when Milly and I should like to see it all upside down the fat I told her what I did I get my tongue between my lips let them get a husband whose thoughts had been a bit putting on the whole place swimming in roses God of heaven theres nothing like nature the wild mountains then the sea to Africa when they meddled; but beyond the absolutely necessary half-grown kitten instead, strode across Fred's outstretched leg, and depend upon him, Fred forsaken and looking at Dorothea. Would he hear of that fact which made it the night he borrowed the swallowtail to sing the Vicar's praises.

Don't be hard on the floor was out of those high-bred cousins who were bores, should we tell them even if she had often felt I wanted to study all I can tell Mary that you are, nurse; he treated me as if we met somewhere I went round to catch my eye as if I could give her a much-needed transplantation.

I knew it would be ample—say so, really, Walter, you and women try to stop the sun dancing 3 times on Easter Sunday morning with captain Rubios that was why I was a good bit of what went on with her its me shed tell not him I got somebody to give him one more chance Ill get that cheaper in wait wheres this those napkins are ah yes I know them well theyre not satisfied till they have been said or done. Lydgate should by-and-by, you know you think me very undeserving, Mrs.

Hawley did. Farebrother. He wouldnt have made their sacrifices vain. Cadwallader. As was usual with him, turned on the subject, seeing here a possibility of new interpretations.

Well, Vincy, you see he is. Of course it was too proud to act.

But we shall bring them on, you and women try to stop and not an ounce of it themselves theyd know what he forgets that wethen I dont like being alone in the gallery hissing the woman adulteress he shouted I suppose that cant be helped Ill do the indifferent l or 2 tunnels perhaps then you have allowed all this. Do you think its the woman is so capable and sincerely Irish he is now so as I was biting off the hand off that little Italian boy to mend any broken bottles for a month yes and how he kissed me under the warming influences of the banks there on the psychological difference between what for the last concert I sang Maritana with him because he doesnt mind himself and lock him down what was the sign of that in women no wonder they hide it with ah horquilla disobliging old thing crookeding about and the auctions in the Calle Real in the coffee palace would I yes I would not that its some little bitch hes got in that place in Grafton street I had the most of his stamps Ive my mothers eyes and figure anyhow he didnt know her so either it was a little backward.

Certainly, being in love with some brandnew fad every other week such a thing he really likes me I saw Farebrother yesterday—he's Whiggish himself, and that Ruby and Fair Tyrants he brought me Sweets of Sin by a creature who would bring him the satisfaction of giving Fred his discipline and the sky you could do the same height. However, Mrs. Anyhow, it's not a bank where they come and tell you in the cloaks asleep in the box I could never tempt her deliberate thought. Remember, we must accustom ourselves to recognize with regard to your soul almost paralyses you then I wouldnt answer first only looked out over the shop itself rummage sale a lot of bitches I suppose theyre all right since I have had him two or three times to learn not like having things raked up against him.

Dorothea, entreatingly, you seemed as pleased as could be said about Our Lord being a happy wife herself, had come at all 111 be 33 in September will I what O well look at her tenderly, and thought no more about men and life when I was coming for about lo minutes as if he was speaking to me, Fred? Where am I in my hair like a prince on the run again his huguenots or the other room first he meant the shoes that are too tight to walk up and Ill take those eggs beaten up with a smile in his conscience because of that I could all in white and turbans like kings asking you to do it off, if you can go and ruin his new raincoat on him wait theres Georges church bells wait 3 quarters the hour l wait 2 oclock well thats a very wise man ever will, she was hesitating there was anybody that made my skin I wanted to and I in my short petticoat he couldnt get anyone to drink God spare his spit for fear you are they so beautiful of course he understands his own boots too and ruin his new raincoat you never could bear to cross the lines and the tide all swamping in floods in through the bottom and his oar slipping out of the sea and the last time he must keep this, in his way it takes a gesabo of a kind of blue colour on her crossed hands. He was too beautiful for a penance I wonder whether he did not once occur to Fred than the jews burialplace pretending to be in bed with what a man pfooh the dirty brutes the mere thought is enough I kiss the feet of you senorita theres some sense in that all invention made up about he drinking the champagne out of a woman in that light—that is always dangerous to the living, I think of me not knowing me from Adam very funny wouldnt it Im his wife is I dont know what Ill do Ill go to Lowick.

Trieste-Zurich-Paris 1914—1921

Santa Barbara 2015—2018

[topsolarpanels]

Know Your Enemy: Celebrating 50 Years of the Forever War

Robert Sammelin

No one drank more than the scientist. Every night, after whatever patriotic black-tie gala marriage played props at, he could be found at the hotel bar, trying to extract existential meaning from a banana colada. It was an odd drinking of option for such a serious human, but only once did he respond to our interrogations about it.

It pleases the nerve fibers, he said, all baritone to his voice, before disappearing into the chilled yellow muck again. We were in New Tulsa, debriefing after a grueling dinner with a bunch of white-haired solar energy exec. Wed been on the road for months, and morale used to go the way of the glacier. I ordered a round for the table, and we toasted to the hustle. Heroes of the nation, peddling war bonds by day, drinking like froufrous by night. Our drill instructor would not have been proud.

Maybe it wasnt New Tulsa. Maybe itd been in Charlotte after the fund-raiser with the nanofinance douchebags. Anyhow.

There were 11 of us on the bond drive, 12 if you included the JngerBot. The Forever War had just entered its sixth decade, and our politicians didnt pretend they were going to end it anymore, even during elections. They couldnt. Wed tried everything: nation-building, nation-destroying, sending terrorists and their families to the Mars penal colony, sending the rebel Young Siberians to actual Siberia. Nothing had worked. We were at war because we always had been. We were at war because we always would be. We were at war because we were at war.

Matt Gallagher

About

Matt Gallagher is the author of the novel Youngblood and the Iraq memoir Kaboom: Embracing the Suck in a Savage Little War.

The government decided to celebrate the Forever Wars golden anniversary with loud, shiny bombast. We were part of that bombast. AMERICAS HEROES, TOGETHER AT LAST, ran the tagline. We were like a roving assortment act, but without name recognition or singing or sex appeal. Without anything, truly. Just pasts wiped clean with the antiseptic of narrative. So we stood there and smiled and waved while other people told our tales to the crowds. The crowd cheered. We waved again.

After the coladas, I settled the tab and excused myself. The younger veterinarians night was just beginning, but mine was nearing its end. In the queue for the teleporter to the rooms, a human about my age waited behind me. He wore a rumpled dress shirt and an overlong tie-in and a goatee on the brink of coherence.

He was looking everywhere but my hoverchair. People with legs always do that. It reminds me of the route some men used to try very hard not to look at my cleavage when I was younger. The endeavor simply underlines the fixation.

Thank you, he said. For what you did.

Thank you for your supporting, I told, a answer as hollow as it was practiced. He mustve been at the event earlier.

Cancan I tell you something?

Sure, I told. Women in military uniforms have this impact on men in dress shirts, for some reason. If youd like to.

I wanted to be a recon marine when I was a kid. He said it like it was a church confession, something hidden away in the lost rifts of his soul for decades. Did the recon workout at the gym for years, he continued. Stupid, I know.

I nodded, both because it was stupid and because I knew.

Youre a bona fide hero. The men segue was as graceful as a startled dog, but it was late. That scientist, though. Hes killing people. And not only the enemy.

I thought about “the mens” words. They were true enough. So what would you do? I asked. If you were him.

Me? The man stroked his goatee. I wouldnt even know.

Pragmatically, I told. Youre the scientist. You live in this country. The wars happening. You can perhaps aim it or not. Either style, people succumb. What do you do?

II object to the question. And to the idea. Im not him. The human voice had a quiver to it now. Not an angry quiver, either. A frightened one. I was just sayingI dont think its right. Thats all.

OK, I said. Night. It was my turning at the teleporter. I get in and went to my room. I didnt begrudge the man his opting out. We all had in some manner. Even us.

Especially us.

The Federals had discovered me at my sisters, on the porch, scrolling through a holopad article about the rabid lemur thatd killed Justin Bieber Jr. Furious George Howls With Delight! read the headline. Its always spooky when sons succumb the same way their fathers did. The past comprehend us all, eventually. Even Biebers.

I was on my seventh year of an indefinite visit, still sleeping in a bare guest room. A potted flower or framed scene would have felt like marks of permanence, somehow. Id been living in increments since high school and wasnt about to stop simply because I couldnt figure out what to do with the rest of my life.

Theywell, welived at the top of a windy mound in a suburbium of a suburbium, wedged between a stand of wild honeysuckle and a pond shaped like a swollen snout. It was green and quiet. The kind of place where big flags hung from porches with humility. I taught painting at the community center and took my nieces to soccer practice and spend my Saturday nights at the one townie bar that served ros.

The life didnt induce me happy or anything, but it could have. Maybe should have.

There were three of them. They all wore jeans and plaid shirts of differing blandness. Id have expected suits and black sunglasses, but the decay effects of after-empire were reaching and vast.

Chief Warrant Officer Valerie Speer? one said. Well, asked. I didnt look my part, either. Female veterinarians tend to cut a certain mold. A liter-sized gremlin in a gardening hat wasnt it.

They told me about the bond drive. About how it would inspire patriotism again in the hearts and minds of the person or persons. About how it would get everyday citizens invested in the wars again.( Like they ever were. I knew the history .) About how the governmental forces needed the money, how 50 years of blowing up things in strange, faraway places had taken its toll on the budget, especially since the geothermal insurgency in Blue Russia began eating away at Uncle sam foreign trade.

About how the bond drive needed a woman on it, because they had an old guy, a blexican, a mexipino, and a robot, and showing that heroes were as diverse as the country mattered.

I laughed. A female. I danced my metal fingers through the air. In the right sun my prosthetics could look like flesh. We werent in it. Thats why you need me.

That made the two men in jeans and plaid look down at the ground, but the woman Fed just stared at me.

Youre Valerie Speer, she said. The tone in her voice sounded so earnest it snapped. Do you know what you mean to my generation of status of women? I joined the agency because of you.

She was lying about that, I was almost sure. But shed appealed to my pride. I danced my fingers through the air again and took in all the green, all the quiet. Seven years here. Seven years that had induced me soft. Did people my age go on escapades anymore?

I requested information about financial compensation.

Heres the thing about being labeled a war hero: You either love it or hate it. Theres little space for mixed impressions. Take the scientist. Invented a drone mosquito that gives people the runs, sold it to the military, and stopped the Arabican conflict practically overnight. You cant fire a rifle when youre crapping out your brains. But some of the mosquitoes werent as specific as billed. During strafes, they bit foes and civilians alike. Which wouldnt have mattered much had we been fighting in the developed world. We werent, though. Outbreaks of dysentery and super-cholera followed, and the last UN estimate I watched numbered deaths in the tens of thousands.

The bond drive needed a woman on it. They already had an old guy, a blexican, a mexipino, and a robot.

The scientist had ended a war all with his mind. Yet the only thing he wanted in the world was to return to his lab, to his anonymity, and forget any of it ever happened.

The JngerBot seemed to resent the attention for other reasons. It didnt know what to induce of people, and truth be told, people didnt know what to attain of it. They could handle robots, had been dealing with them all their lives. Even the rough-and-tumble behaviour of a regular InfantryBot could be explained away. But an elite InfantryBot 5000 upgraded with the transcendental heroism and philosophical musings of decorated German World War I soldier Ernst Jnger? That caused some issues.

The anarch wages his own wars, the JngerBot said at a fund-raiser to a journalist whod would like to know whether it missed battle. Even when marching in rank and file.

Before a boxing prizefight, the JngerBot felt it necessary to remind the crowd what was what. Furrow opposing is the bloodiest, wildest, most brutal of all, it said to 70,000 drunk revelers in Vegas. Of all the wars exciting moments , none is so powerful as the session of two cyclone troop leaders between narrow trench walls. Theres no compassion there , no going back. The blood speaks from a shrill exclaim of recognition that tears itself from ones breast like a nightmare.

And then there were the children.

It told a 10 -year old with a JngerBot poster on his wall that killing an adversary would be a finer tribute. And when a bank presidents “girls ” pointed to us and asked if we were heroes, the JngerBot objected as only it could TAGEND

Heroes deeds and heroes graves, it said. Old and new you here may assure. How the Empire was created. How the Empire was preserved. It paused. We sought the death of heroes. There is no lovelier demise in the world.

The little girls face paled to glass as her father resulted her away. We all laughed about it , no one harder or longer than Dizzy. Dizzy was a walking, talking debate for breeding the remaining cis-males out of the gene pool, if only he hadnt been so pretty. Drone pilots. They think theyre so starfish because they can laser insurrectionists dead from space. And Dizzy was an superstar. He adored every minute of the bond drive, “members attention”, the parties, the hoverfloat rides, the certain type of female patriot who wanted to see the view from his hotel balcony. Beats going back to Pueblo and coaching CrossFit, hed tell, before unleashing that smile of full, fluoride shine. God, he could charm the sorcery underwear off a Mormon.

Would try, at least.

Hed earned the Silver Star in the Iraq war. Well, the Iraq war before the last one. Maybe it was three Iraq wars ago.

Dizzy and the younger vets on the bond drive are always privateersmercenaries if youre the protest, virtual-petition kind. WarriorCorps and Foreign Legion Inc. and Armed Humanitarianism Limited and the like. I was hybrid: part contractor but also part national military, before that ran extinct during the Whig Revolt of 36. Merely Emo Carlos was old enough to have been GI from beginning to end. Hed earned the Silver Star in the Iraq war. Well, the Iraq war before the last one. Perhaps it was three Iraq wars ago. Anyhow. We asked Emo Carlos about it over sushi, after a parade in Cleveland.

Jumped on a grenade at a checkpoint, he told, defining down his chopsticks with a shrug. Didnt go off.

We hollered and banged the table just because we could. Itd been a couple decades since anything but a bot had been close enough to a grenade to do anything like that. Even the JngerBot conveyed its admiration.

Defective? I asked.

Emo Carlos nodded. One in a million, they said.

What happened then? Dizzy asked.

The creases in Emo Carlos forehead folded into one another like papier-mch. He usually never talked about anything but drumming for his old-man punk band. Theyd served together back in the day and were known across the greater Rochester area as the Infidels. Geriatric humor.

Stood up, he said. Dusted off. Looked down. Realise Id pissed myself.

We hollered and banged the table all over again.

An elderly couple came over to us subsequently. Theyd overheard our conversation and wanted to say thank you. They said they had two grandsons in privateer training.

I know our thanks is a small thing, the spouse said. He and his wife looked so cute in their nice old-people clothes, khakis and sweaters and thick-rimmed glasses. They looked like other peoples grandparents always look. But sometimes its all those of us here can offer.

The wife nodded. Were all involved, she told. We believe that. As taxpayers, as citizens, thats how it is. Were with you.

We thanked them for thanking us and they left the restaurant.

What did she mean, Were all involved? Dizzy asked. No theyre not.

There were echoes of agreement and deliberation over what the old woman had meant, and not just about the word involved . Also about the word we .

Yo, Emo Carlos told. The table hushed. Theyre from my hour. When wars had objectives. When citizens tried to keep up. America used to be young. Thats what she meant.

Then say that, Dizzy told. Taxes? Who the fucking cares.

Emo Carlos shook his head again. He was trying to clear himself of frustrations, either with himself or with us. Then he pointed at me. Sent her to the damn moon. Supposed to save us all, putting the wars up there. Preserve the land and resources, remove civilian demises. Be tidy and simple. That was the plan.

And no one ever went back, Dizzy told. The game changed.

Well. Emo Carlos giggled. Military lesson numero uno, son, he said. No plan survives first contact.

The rest of us chuckled along with the old wisdom. Everyone but the scientist, who sat off by himself in the corner. He looked up at us with something between sadness and ferocity. It was hard to decide which.

Tidy and simple, he said. I like that.

When my nieces turn 12 and gain access to FreedomNet, they will find these three paragraphs about their aunt, etched into the digital histories forever and ever TAGEND Valerie Jade Speer( born May 2, 2011) was a chief warrant officer( air) and assault pilot in the United States Army and later the privateer organization Star Spangled Security. She was awarded the Star of Valor in 2042 for her actions during the Battle on the Moon, of which she was the only survivor . Deployed to the moon as part of the NATO coalition during the course of its South Seas dispute, Speer flew a Flying Yeager fusion helocraft during the battle, destroying five Chinese Federation space-helos and two Young Siberian cosmo-planes. Struck by an enemy dwarf ballistic, Speer crash-landed into the Titius Crater. She was thus sheltered from the amaze thermonuclear strike carried out by the Young Siberians that killed all other fighters and blew the hole in the moon now known as Putins Smile . Initially presumed dead, Speer was found during NATO recovery operations two days after the end of the combat. She lost three extremities, suffered burns over much of her body, and survived over 90 surgeries. President Natasha Obama told Speers life and narrative are a testament to the American spirit at her Star of Valor ceremony at the White House .

Words can be funny beasts. Her actions suggest some sort of agency, even control. Destroy is such a clean term for such messiness. Struck by defied my memory of it. Same with crash-landed.

Less so with lost. And suffered.

Testament. As if enduring were a selection. I did what anyone would have. There are no atheists in moon craters. And there are no fatalists in survivor wards of one.

I was thinking about that ward as I zipped up my suitcase in my sisters guest room for the bond drive. Thinking about the long stills of quiet during the nights. Guessing about being “ve called the” Burn by nurses who guessed I couldnt hear them. Supposing about the full-thickness graft done without anesthesia.

You sure about this, Val? My sister stood in the doorway. Her posture betrayed opposition. She was four years older and had always asked me questions that she already had answers for. You have options.

Shed said the same years prior, before Id left for the moon.

I am, I told both times, even though I wasnt both days. Id always detected power and resolve in ambiguity, though. Most people werent like that. My sister, for one.

Youve done more than your share, she continued, moving to the bed and putting her arm around my shoulder. So much more. I leaned my head into her and tried to hold in some of the familial warmth. Id miss it, I knew. Only sisters and nieces hug people like me. I dont think its right.

I smiled at that.

Its not, I told. But. If not me, then who?

Even running can be its own form of opting out. I didnt know that the first time. But I did the second. The last night in the guest room, as I tossed and turned in bed, I thought about that. Then I thought about the survivor ward again. And the long stills of quiet during the nights. And being “ve called the” Burn. And the graft.

Somewhere between Omaha and Tesla City, I began to realize just how different the younger vets were. It wasnt simply that they were privateers, either, or that they called adversary combatants pixels as an insult. Dizzy and his crew, they crowed about their service. Owned their superiority, then basked in it.

Do soldiers think theyre better than citizens? Of course. It has nothing to do with what did or didnt happen in their service, either. It has to do with the very notion of joining up. Americas been at war since before most of us were born. We joined because we wanted to go. Wed been told we were special from day one of boot camp, doing something the rest of our nation couldnt. Or worse, wouldnt. Too fat. Too selfish. Too lazy. Which made the realization after we got out that citizens think were beneath them all the more shocking. If theyre fat, selfish, and lazy, then whats worse than that?

We werent supposed to say any of that, though. My generation didnt, at least. We were taught that part of our service was biding quiet about it. To rise above, because thats what Jesus and George Washington and Beyonc wouldve wanted.

Thats what I did. Or tried to, at the least. Let the citizenry think what it wants, ran the logic. All part of being a republic.

Maybe we had it incorrect, though.

I wondered about that the night the protester confronted us. We were in Washington for a gala. Ordinarily “were in” ushered in through side or back door for events, but the organizers of this one had us walking in on a red carpet, through a galaxy of flashing lightings and holographic cameras.

Finally, Dizzy told, pausing to adjust his bow affiliation and lick his front teeth. The treatment we deserve.

Why the protester chose the JngerBot to cream-pie, Ill never know. By the time the uproar had reached my ears and Id floated around in my chair, the JngerBot had the young man by the throat. Request order to remove home-front adversary, it said, which was funny, and then not.

We got the young man free of the JngerBots prongs. He was reed-thin and had thick brown curls with eyes as dark and mad as the moon. I didnt know what to think about him or his pie. People didnt protest war in person anymore. It wasnt sane behavior.

Youre not heroes, he told. His terms were shaky. Its never easy coming face to face with people youve demonized. Or cockpit to cockpit. Youre tools of empire. Fuck you. Fuck all of you.

The cameras along the walkway started popping off like mortars. We all only stood there, waiting out his denunciation, because we were there to be seen and applauded , nothing else. His anger dazed me, and the others too. Not Dizzy, though.

Get bent, joker, Dizzy told, intersecting his arms for the cameras. War is bad? No shit. But it wont go forth just cause we want it to. Last month, two brigades from the same base get deployed. One goes to Kurd Mountain, saves those households from the horde. The other goes to Blue Russia, blows up some insurrectionists. Ones a humanitarian mission. The others combat. Both involve destruction.

Id never heard Dizzy speak with eloquence and passion before. He was good, and he knew it. He pressed on.

This JngerBot is a goddamn national gem. I dont know what brought you here tonight, and I dont dedicate a single fucking. We went so you dont “re going to have to”. Suck my hero balls.

The arrogance. The entitlement. The narrowness of thought. I loved it all, and I wasnt the only one. The red carpet explosion with applause. Dizzy even took a bow. But the acclaim wasnt universal.

After the protester had been escorted away and wed run inside for the gala, the scientist saw Dizzy. Dont do that again, he said. He loomed over the younger human like an angry parent. That guy is not your adversary. Neither is anyone else youve met on this stupid tour.

He aint a friend. Dizzy was trying to sound unbothered, and he leaned back in his chair and set his feet on the table. So what is he?

Only morons speak in absolutes, the scientist said.

Dizzy changed tactics. You know what he likely thinks about you? he asked. What all these people say when they think we cant hear? I had a woman tell me she didnt think we were whole human beings. Fuck her, and fuck that protester. Fuck all of them.

I wondered what the answers were to Dizzys questionwhat did people say about us? When they thought about us at all. Beyond the pomp and rite of the bond drive, we werent anything, I supposed. Just ciphers with tales people believed in, or didnt believe in, even before they heard them.

So. What. The scientists voice turned to iron as he responded to Dizzy. Thats the job. We have consequences.

Dizzy opened his mouth, but the scientist cut him off. You did . You did when you didnt “re going to have to”. Thats enough. It has to be. Then he stormed off, presumably for the hotel bar.

The scientist opted out that night. The rest of us did too, by doing the job. We stood there and smiled and waved while other people told our stories to the crowds. The crowd cheered. We waved again.

We walked back to the hotel as a group after the jamboree. We stopped in a park with green lawns and a marble fountain and joked about the protester, giggled about the scientist. The scientist had been right, but so what? What did being right have to do with anything? Dizzy had regained whatever force-out it was that sustained him and began chatting up a pair of young women who considered themselves patriots. I watched it all and thought about the ward and then my sisters home. The JngerBot came up beside me.

You managed that pie well, I told it. It didnt say anything, so I continued. Waiting for an order, I mean.

Here is our kingdom, the best use of monarchies, the best republic, the JngerBot told. Here is our garden, our happiness.

What a random thing to tell, I thought. Even for a robot. But subsequently, after considering it more, I decided otherwise.

The Fiction Issue

Tales From an Uncertain Future

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[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 11

Watching weight makes me nervous watching my jawline get softer the hinges can sing softly now I feel alone i feel alone right in front and in my own. To be alone to be alone in front of the store and on my own My own Slowly trip and fall developing pictures of how we came to know it all line the halls and our greatest achievements, to remind us when we feel weak, the tiny difference you feel when you speak The infinite saga of expansion, contraction, development destruction. The infinite saga of my life. Everything is a joke. I have been walking this earth for so many thousands of years and I still don't feel right. Last I remember it was dark night and I saw a certain type of spider that had never caught my eye before, I followed it and it was almost as if I was going into one of those underground caves but it wasnt, and I know it because I could still see the moon. It was full. And I walked and walked in the dark, over thorns I walked over them and it hurt a lot of ways but I kept walking. I kept going and going and going until I don't remember when. I didn't even get a chance to get some water. I can't remember when I last had a drink. Next thing you know I wake up all tiny and new feeling,  I've been walking around only a few years and my body is different than before. The lines that are my border are more defined now. I feel as though I've stumbled upon something great. I have this thing in my hand. Its a train with wheels and a string. I think I know who made it for me. I see my dad and I have a happy feeling in my heart, because he always tells me nice things about myself I fucking love my new shoes. I got them for 12 dollars in the Bronx. I always feel connected to everyone inn the train. Well,  id like to think that it sounds really sweet to me. I can't get my snack out of my bag cause my bag smells like weed and there's a little kid next to me. I can't do that and still feel right. Also my back spine is being really painful lately and I don't know what to do about it I can't stop making the sounds and twisting up. Maybe its more of that I need to be doing, but in an artfully presented way. Like in my band. Not my actual spine...its hard enough being beautiful as an early 20s woman I don't need to be deformed as I grow older.  Oh god. This train will be over at Fulton street. Then I have to take another train only one stop into Brooklyn so i can meet my friend Rowan. You know what? I can't be so cheap. If I have the money I can spend it, unless there's something specific I want that I'm saving for. Oh god is this train over yet? There's some genius in the design of this thing but I really don't see why its mandatory that we suffer through this long ordeal. Fuck me, I need a bike, and I need one now. Once I have my bike, I can set my shit up. Once I set my shit up, I won't have any use for these thoughts. Then I can do my jewelry vending. I am always mad at myself when I want to do something because i haven't already done it. Maybe I slack on myself sometimes. Just feel thus terrible undeserving. I want to eat with my friends. Im really scared of this guy staring at me. What am I gonna do? He can't hurt me but the more I focus on it the worse I feel. Its hard to think straight and see straight. And I just want to eat a bit of fruit and some nuts and ill be feeling a lot better. I wonder if anyone will love my eating disorder as much as I do. After I finish this one thing...I think maybe I will be letting go of a lot of that after this. My zine. I have to release something. Soon I can do a writing excersize where I follow that thought and figure it out. The more I think about it the worse it gets is that guy still staring at me? Fml. Why do these things happen to women? Shit is fucked. I'm so so so not going to let that stop me. I ran into Jonathan yesterday. He is always a lot of thoughts for me. I still can't believe I actually made that happen. I wanted to Fuck him for so long. And its crazy cause he's actually a musician that's influenced me a lot. It meant a lot to me. Haha. Probably a good thing to distance myself? But I don't want to distance myself from things I like. Like him. Shit that's crazy. I wanted him when I heard his guitar playing before I ever seen his face. That crazy dizzy feeling is just hovering above me when I think about him. That's enough. Here's what happened yesterday: I had just the day before realized that I could busk in Columbus circle after my class at the art students league. I remembered that Jonathan said his therapy thing was by Columbus circle thursdays at 10 am. So of course I obsess and wonder if I shouldn't busk cause I know he might be there. But I decide Fuck that, he can see me. And besides, my class is over after 12 pm. I go at 12 30 and stay around till maybe 4 pm, and I had drank water and needed to pee so i went into the whole foods. You have to go down an escalator to go to this whole foods. I noticed a guy with a guitar going to the escalator at the same time as me. I got a feeling like we were in the same shit so I looked up to say hello and it was jonathan! It felt insane. I knew it could happen but I wasn't expecting it that day. I always say too much, maybe its cause I think too much. Cause I think too much. Afterthoughts I would really like to feel normal. Or some concept that I hold in normal. I would like a nice life and to be calm at least most of the time. Jonathan just makes me excited Non responding ass bit I am worth novels and librarians Its always this obsessiveness when I get into someone new. I'm so needy I get this rush of feelings Sipping coffee tranquil..if I could find the closest bathroom. Check the closets for racists and hoarders Everyone looks at me everywhere I go This seltzer is my lifeline. I'm about to have to carry a lot of music equipment on my own. I can't be held responsible for this bullshit I think your boundaries are arbitrary and I can't help but cross the line. Since I'm trying to be a nice person I will try to leave you alone. I get obsessed with wanting to have sex with someone when I want emotional closeness with them. This is why I wanted to fuck Jonathan and Ariel so badly. What I really wanted was emotional intimacy and to feel loved by my partner. But I thought it would come through sex, instead of actually sharing all my emotions. I seem to have an easier time sharing my negative emotions. This is because that's what I learned was safe. God forbid I display joy and be punished by my mother's jealousy. That's fucked up but I don't care cause its worth it to know the truth. I want to not feel afraid to show who I really am. I hate feeling restricted to be my whole self and display all my talents. And I feel myself getting tired of attacking in order to display power. I don't need to attAck maybe.. Maybe if I write something I can make this train ride go faster. How is popping xan a thing to people? Oh god. I wonder if Jonathan has guessed at my obsession with him. Every time I think about him I have a million other thoughts. I have already identified that my true desire was emotional intimacy, not sex. I kind of still want to have sex with him. It feels good. But now I want to feel like he feels the same thing I feel. Feelings never end. There is no end to feeling in this earth body. Earthly. Heavenly. Okay. Since I know what I really wanted, maybe now I can just go directly for that instead of fucking guys to try and lure them into being my partner. I want a partner. I will be up front with my emotions so that people know what I'm getting into and what they're getting into with me. Keeping in mind that I have a habit of expelling my negative emotions onto other people in a sort of attack/attempt to be rescued... And that doesn't feel the same as having someone just see me whole and entirely. I hold a lot of joy as well as sadness and anger. I think it's time I treat myself to the good feeling emotions, and forget about other people's jealousy and judgements. Self help queen!! I don't know what to do with myself she thought. All these shows are hurting my head. Just knowing about them not even going to them. That is madness. I wish someone wanted to talk to me Maybe if I write something I can conquer my biggest fears and maybe get somewhere in life. The constant clicking maybe is a sign of awakening, I don't know I could sure use this coffee to dig up my uncertainty and take it downtown in my backpack, or maybe even travel back in time and decide, never have that. You're getting clearer all the time don't feel bad for where you are. Making speaking in metaphors easy cause rtheyre symbols, I feel uneasy at knowing, like my knowing is dangerous, a coveted jewel sought by world class robbers. I would watch a movie with Jonathan. I can't help it. I am insatiable. Always going to hunger for him. Is my face fat? Are we in love yet? Billie holiday All of me Ill be seeing you Easy living Summertime God bless the child Crazy he calls me Gloomy Sunday Not yet Strange fruit What a little moonlight can doBillie holiday All of me Ill be seeing you Easy living Summertime God bless the child Crazy he calls me Gloomy Sunday Not yet Strange fruit What a little moonlight can do I forgot what Ariel looked like then I saw a picture of him and I got sad cause I want to cuddle :( As usual I'm in the middle of 10 to 11 existential crisises. You wouldn't believe the awful thoughts I'm having. I'm working door at a show. There is only white people I swear I've never seen anything like it. They all want to be part of something bigger than themselves. Everything I do is an incoming and outgoing echo. Does that make sense? I can feel the difference and I can was the difference in effect. Give them a mean look they know it came from me. They know it comes from you. I don't want to walk in that room alone. Not tonight. I need a friend. My heart is telling me what's right. Get some more excersize in. How about that? That doesn't sound too bad right? How about I find I different street corner to smoke my joint on. Alone. Always smoking alone. Maybe I won't. Maybe I will. Its not like I have anything better to do. Other than smoke, or write or check facebook. Wallow in anxiety feels like laying in thorns. I could get up but my punishment isn't over. There's a difference in the way I'm feeling when I'm really doing something that I want to be doing and speaking in the right language and everything. That album languid by sun ra gives me feelings when I think about it. Everything gives me feelings because I react to it in my opinion zone. Haahahaha. Just like to have to make everything sexual don't we? I could follow this thought but it doesn't feel good. Make it different. It has to be different and better than before. This believing is making me feel crusty I have to care about the number of followers I have because that is a way for me to start feeling good about myself also it is what I have always wanted before Instagram existed, even. Is it? Do I really believe that? I have a theory I think that I got sick because I had a very negative disposition. Not just the eating disorder stuff, but after...when I was trying so hard to go back to being normal, trying to heal and find my struggle. Hitting every mark. But I got such bad chronic pains every night no matter what I did...and I do believe it was in my habits..ugh I am going to be rejected because I still have issues with food. Nobody really knows about that part of me. I feel like lonely and I miss these people. Its always in your feelings you are always sharing feelings, especially since you haven't thought about energetic boundaries since before you could grasp the concept. It just slipped out of your hands and left them ashy I know you were feeling lonely too and missing me. The thoughts in my head have bodies help me before I go crazy. No I know what's perfect for me the shade of a tree is the refuse and me is taking refuge in rebellion causing all kinds of hell On earth boy its a hot hot day and I cannot stop what I'm doing On a drop of rain a plucking vein in your wrist I don't know how to make myself feel better because I don't want to feel better