#hhhhhHHHHHHH. just. sorry random-ass dude!! didnt mean to freak u out in the middle of class!! pls dont talk to me ever!! if u ask how im
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#hhhhh. fuck me. fUCK me.#broke one of my stupidass fckin ~°☆Coping Rubber Bands☆°~ in the middle of class bc ive been snapping it too hard& the dude sitting next to#me gave me the fuckn look bc id been forcing myself to focus on the lecture so hard i hadnt noticed how red my arms were gettng & that just.#hhhhhh. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. id been trying hardcore to focus on the professor instead of my own brain but yhe fact that it broke + that he#noticed & then that he *Noticed* meant that for the rest of class (vvv lucky it wasnt much longer!!) i had to sit & pretend like i wasnt abt#to fuckin unravel before i could book it out the door and hide in the bathroom. FUCK.#at the beginning of class i wastrying ro just focus my physical energy on my fuckin fidget/popper thingy but that wasnt nearly enough and i#always feel too awkward abt the sounds it makes t Actually Use It as a Actually Helful Tool bc the sound/force necessary to make them is the#part that is Actually Helpful to me but ik its diatracting to everyone else nearby so i try to use it silently but that def wasnt enough for#rn!! so i was snapping my rubber band on mt wrist!! bc i could do that quieter!! + under the table!! + it wasnt as obvious or distracting!!#but like. he'd noticed i was dojng it but i dont think he got a good look at it until it fuckin broke and i had to reach between us to pick#it up off the floor and he Actually saw my arms bc id rolled up sleeves to access the rubberbands!! and bc im fuckin pale as shit and turn#bright red faster than fuck and bc my stupid fuckin skin is fkn. ~delicate~ or some shit. ik it mustve looked fuckin scary as hell!! fuck!!#hhhhhHHHHHHH. just. sorry random-ass dude!! didnt mean to freak u out in the middle of class!! pls dont talk to me ever!! if u ask how im#doing?? dont!! i dont fucking know you!! thank you goodbye!!#just. fuckin hell!! im fine now that im home w/ my weighted vest + wrapped up hiding in my bed but. fuck!!#i think the things that sparked most of that rn was a)not enough sleep that wasnt bad dreams + b) im pretty sure i fucked up my meds earlier#+ maybe-probably-also c) when i went for a walk rhis morning i saw sm1 i thoufht i might have been them like way down on the street but im p#sure it wasnt them but i wasnt expecting it and id been singing to myself and i was worried theyd heard it and i started shaking so bad i#had to like legit climb into a fuckin snowbank to literally chill out and stop whatever bullshit my body was trying to pull for no fkn real#/good reason!! so like. coping mechanisms for the win ig!! bc even tho i went completely static-brain bluescreen i was able to remember the#like. sudden-temperature-change-stops-panic-attacks thing which like. its kinda cool/nice that even tho i was freakng tf out ive made enough#progress that my brain was able to access that thought/strategy in the moment! but then i had to fucking sit+think abt how like. THAT was my#immediate first reaction to seeing someone thati *thought* just might be them. and that. just. h o l y h e l l#fuvking h e l l#i WANTED it to be them. iwanted it to be them so fucking bad!! but even then!! i fucking turned and ran!! from sm1 who **wasnt even them!!**#what the fuck??!!??#idek how long i was walkingaround after that before i came back to my brain. i felt like id been put through a woodchipper or some shit#how the fuck am i supposed to talk to them again when i couldnt even look at that random person down the street long enough to confirm if it#even WAS them?? just one glance made me feel like i was going to rattle right out of my fkn skin?? what the fuck is wrong w me?? fkn. g o d
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