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forbidden-salt · 11 days

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Breaking the Silence; My Mental Health Story for Worldwide Suicide Prevention Day

By ForbiddenSalt

9/10/2024

Trigger Warning: This blog post discusses suicidal ideation, depression, and mental health struggles. If you are in a vulnerable state, please read with caution, and know that support is available through resources like 988, friends, and loved ones.

Resources and helpful tools for self and loved ones provided below the fold.

My Story:

Suicide Awareness Day holds a deeply personal meaning for me. For years, I struggled silently with suicidal thoughts, depression, and anxiety, unsure of how to ask for help or whether I deserved it. Sharing my story now is not just about raising awareness, but about offering hope to anyone who feels the same weight I once carried.

At the age of 13, I began to experience something many people are hesitant to talk about—suicidal ideation. But it wasn’t until I was in college that I truly realized how dangerous those thoughts had become.

I remember one day when I was walking across campus from class to my dorm, lost in thought, and accidentally stepped off the curb without looking. A car was coming toward me. Instinctively, I jumped back, avoiding an accident. But what happened next startled me more than the near-miss. As I stood on the sidewalk, tears welled up, not because I was relieved, not because I was scared—I was upset that my instincts had saved me. I realized I wasn’t crying because I had narrowly avoided getting hit by a car; I was crying because, in that moment, I wanted to be hit. It would have been an "accident"—a way out without me having to act intentionally.

It dawned on me that this was something much more serious than I had admitted to myself.

This wasn’t the first time I had experienced suicidal thoughts, but it was one of the most shocking moments. I knew I needed help. I sought out a counselor at the campus health center and, for a time, tried therapy. When I went home for a break, I spoke to my doctor, and she prescribed me an SSRI. I confided in my family and was met with mixed reactions—some were supportive, while others expressed concerns about the medication, urging me to stop taking it as quickly as possible. This set up an internal battle for me; I began starting and stopping my medication over the next few months, caught between fear and shame; and eventually quit all together.

Suicidal ideation lingered in the back of my mind for years. I wished for a pause button, a way to make the world stop so I could catch my breath and somehow not fall behind. I dreamed of getting hurt or sick enough to be hospitalized, just so I could take a break from life’s demands. But I never let myself act on those thoughts.

It wasn’t until my mid-20s that things got so bad I returned to therapy. This time, it was different. My new therapist helped me understand that I wasn’t “crazy”—I was carrying the weight of childhood trauma and years of struggling to survive. She diagnosed me with complex PTSD, and for the first time, I felt understood. Her support gave me the strength to make significant changes in my life, including moving to a new state.

There, I found another therapist who continued to guide me through the ups and downs. I started back on an SSRI and have stayed on it ever since. Through this process, I realized that what I had been dealing with wasn’t just emotional—it was also biological. My body wasn’t producing enough serotonin, and my chronic illnesses, were compounding these mental health struggles by denying my body the tools to make its own serotonin and through the weight of the symptoms. Especially for a while before there was any answer or treatment plan in sight.

I went through EMDR therapy, talk therapy, and put in the hard work to heal. I focused on my physical and mental health, fighting for answers and for my life. Slowly, I began to reclaim control. I started to recognize the warning signs of passive suicidal ideation and created an action plan for when those thoughts creep in. I don’t go to therapy as often now, but I still have touch-base appointments in case something changes.

Through this journey, I’ve learned so much about myself and the nature of mental illness. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD were not signs that I was lazy or difficult, though I was often labeled as such. They were symptoms of a much deeper issue. I wish people could see that depression isn’t a mindset or mood and suicidal thoughts are not selfish—they are the final, fatal symptom of a disease.

It took a long time for me to accept that what I went through wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t to blame for the trauma I endured or the way my brain and body responded to it. And if you’re reading this and find yourself in a dark place, I want you to know you are not alone. I know what it’s like to stand in the darkness for so long that it starts to feel like home. But I also know that it is possible to fight back, to heal, and to find hope again.

If you can’t fight for yourself right now, I encourage you to reach out to someone—anyone—who can sit with you in your pain. Let them help you find a therapist, a doctor, or simply help with daily tasks. It might not be the person you expect. For me, one if my company leaders had noticed my depression and helped me find a therapist. I had a best friend who sat with me over the phone while I sobbed broken hearted, encouraging me to seek help if I needed it. That going to the hospital if I needed it wasn’t shameful or weak but brave and admirable. It was my grandmother, who spoke to me daily, reminding me of my faith and offering love when I couldn’t love myself and felt those I loved most didn’t love me.

Faith also played a huge role in my healing. I’ve had my share of questions and anger, but my belief that God could handle my questions and my rage helped me through some of the darkest times. I questioned why my life was going the way it was, why I was feeling the way I did, if He knows everything before it happens, if he’s all powerful why didn’t he step in to change the course of my life away from this. My questions turned to anger and I had to keep reminding myself that God had shoulders big enough for my anger, my tears, my pain. That I could toss all of it at him and he’d still see me still, love me. I never doubted his existence, and honestly to this day I still don’t have all the answers but I’m sure one day I’ll understand and I’ve realized I was still loved even when I couldn’t see it.

My family eventually came around too. Even my dad, who I had thought didn’t believe me, recently admitted how scared he had been for me after he had kept his fears hidden for years since it had gotten bad. We were able to talk and he listened, shared his point of view, and made the effort to understand. He allowed me to assure him I was safe now, I was doing better, and it’s changed our relationship for the better. While I had found my way to stability without knowing if my family believed or supported me, learning my family did care enough to worry, cared enough to learn, and loved me enough to listen even if what I said was hard to hear meant the world to me.

If you’re struggling, know that there is help out there. Call 988 for support, reach out to friends, hug your dog or cat, cling to your faith—whatever gets you through the next moment. Each day is a step, and that’s enough. It doesn’t have to be a leap—it just has to be forward.

Resources for support below:

Here are some coping strategies:

1. Box Breathing: This simple technique can help reduce anxiety. Breathe in for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, and pause for four. Repeat until your heart rate slows and you feel more grounded. You can do this while on a video call too just let your eyes glide along the edges of the screen while you hold and breathe.

2. Straw Breathing: Another great calming tool—take a deep breath in, and then slowly exhale like you’re blowing through a straw. It mimics the relaxing response of the parasympathetic nervous system and helps you focus.

3. Journaling: I started journaling, reminding myself it didn’t have to be perfect. It was just for me. I stopped feeling guilty if I skipped days or weeks and let the words flow when I needed them. If you struggle with journaling, try creating an anonymous blog where you can rant and vent without worrying about dates or continuity. I have a separate Tumblr just for this—a void I can yell into when I need to.

4. Bilateral Stimulation: Butterfly taps—crossing your arms and tapping on opposite shoulders—helped calm me during moments of stress. This was especially useful during EMDR therapy, which became one of my strongest tools.

5. Creating a Routine: I used to go to the gym to cope before my chronic illness made it harder, so I shifted to art as a form of expression. Creating anything—whether it’s a routine or a creative outlet—can make a difference.

6. Boundaries and Emotions: Learning boundaries and reconnecting with my emotions was vital. One book that really changed my perspective was Rage Becomes Her by Soraya Chemaly, which helped me embrace my anger as a valid emotion. Learn how to advocate for yourself and establish boundaries. This takes time, but it’s one of the most empowering things you can do for your mental health.

7. Prioritize Yourself: Make time for what you need—therapy, the gym, a bath, or a doctor’s appointment. And allow yourself to rest. Your mind and body will force you to stop if you keep ignoring the warning signs.

8. Taking Shortcuts: Too tired to make a proper meal? That’s okay. Eat food however it comes—deconstructed meals are all the rage anyway. I’ve had moments where lunch was just handfuls of cheese and lunch meat. The goal is to nourish yourself, and sometimes that means being kind to yourself about how you do it.

10. Create Safety Nets: If you're heading somewhere that could be triggering, plan for it. What’s your exit strategy? Can you bring a comfort item, like a fidget toy, a blanket, or a stuffed animal? Having a plan can give you a sense of control.

11. Redirecting Negative Thoughts: When I get caught in negative thoughts, I ask myself if these thoughts are helping me process emotions or if they're just hurting me. If I’m not ready to process them, I work on redirecting my focus to something more helpful.

13. Emotional Support Animals: If you can, get an emotional support animal. My mini schnauzer has helped me through so much, even though she doesn’t know it.

How can I help a loved one:

1. Listen First: Before jumping to solutions, take time to listen. Validate the person's feelings, and let them process before suggesting how to fix things. Most of the time, they already know the solution; they just need space to work through it.

2. Stop Shaming Mental Health: Be mindful of how you talk about mental health. I’ve overheard loved ones shaming people for being "selfish" or "foolish" for being depressed, anxious, suicidal and even those that did commit suicide not knowing how often it was on my mind. Those words made it even harder to speak up and ask for help.

3. Fear and Guilt Are Not Helpful Tools: Fear and guilt are not effective motivators when it comes to mental health. I once told someone close to me that I didn’t believe people who commit suicide go to hell. Just as someone who passes from cancer doesn’t go to hell for how they died, I believe the same for depression—it’s an illness. They responded that they hoped fear of hell would keep me from acting on those thoughts. I explained that, by the time someone is ready to act, they likely don’t care anymore. The weight of the pain is overwhelming, and fear or guilt won’t pull them back.

4. Recognize the Signs: Suicidal ideation, passive suicidal ideation, and suicidal plans are all dangerous and need treatment and support. It may begin with passive thoughts like, “I wouldn’t mind if I didn’t wake up tomorrow,” but those can shift into active planning if left unchecked. Just because someone hasn’t acted on it doesn’t mean they don’t need help. Depression doesn't always look the same for everyone. It could be messy rooms, low energy, or a lack of interest in things that once brought joy. It could also look like reckless behavior, withdrawing, or joking about death. These subtle signs shouldn’t be brushed off—they’re as important as overt cries for help and worth a check as little as “hey you keep making these jokes, I just want to make sure you really are okay?” If someone is talking about feeling hopeless, giving away possessions, withdrawing from loved ones, or engaging in risky behavior, these are red flags.

5. Offer practical support: Whether it’s helping with daily tasks, providing a ride to a therapy appointment, or just sitting quietly with them, practical support can be a lifeline.

6: Encourage professional help: Gently suggest therapy, medical care, or other professional help if the person hasn’t already sought it. Be patient and compassionate, understanding that reaching out can be terrifying for them.

7. Be present: Sometimes the best thing you can do is just be there. Your physical and emotional presence can provide comfort, even when there are no words.

If you have a loved one who you worry is going through something, or has confided in you and you are worried for them. Don’t wait. Speak to them. Ask them how you can help, what’s going on, listen. If you’re afraid for them, even after they have gotten to the other side, don’t let your fears tear at you for months, tell them then listen and trust that when they say they are good, have come out the other side have an action plan for when they notice the signs - belive them. If you can’t let it go still, seek your own support. The fear of loosing someone you care about is worthy of attention. If you’re reading this because someone you love is struggling with suicidal thoughts, thank you for caring. Supporting someone with suicidal ideation can be incredibly difficult, but your presence matters more than you might realize.

If you or someone you love is struggling, find Resources for Support:

1. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Dial 988 for immediate help in the U.S. Available 24/7.

2. Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.

3. The Trevor Project: Focused on supporting LGBTQ+ youth, The Trevor Project offers crisis intervention and suicide prevention services. Text START to 678678 or visit their website.

4. NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness): NAMI provides free, confidential support for mental health concerns. Call the NAMI Helpline at 1-800-950-NAMI or text NAMI to 741741.

5. The Jed Foundation: Focused on mental health support for teens and young adults, the Jed Foundation works to protect emotional health and prevent suicide. Visit jedfoundation.org for more information.

6. The Veterans Crisis Line: Veterans and their loved ones can call 988 and press 1 or text 838255 for confidential support. Available 24/7.

Suggestions for Keeping Yourself Safe:

1. Create a safety plan: Write down a plan for when suicidal thoughts occur. This could include calling a trusted friend, therapist, family, distracting yourself with an activity you enjoy, or going to a safe place where you can feel grounded and making an appointment with your doctor.

2. Reach out to a support network: Whether it’s friends, family, or a therapist, let someone know how you’re feeling. It’s important not to isolate yourself when you’re struggling.

3. Remove means: If you’re feeling unsafe, remove items that could be harmful or ask someone you trust to hold onto them temporarily. There is no shame in this ever.

4. Practice grounding techniques: When suicidal thoughts take over, try grounding yourself with techniques like deep breathing, focusing on your senses, or engaging in mindfulness exercises. These can help bring you back to the present moment. Call on your faith if you need to to get by, play with your pet anything to help you get grounded and move through the feeling

5. Remember that feelings pass: In the heat of the moment, it can feel like the pain will last forever. But emotions are temporary, and feelings—even the darkest ones—eventually pass. That feelings are normal and natural and have no moral judgement, feel it, acknowledge it, and let it move through knowing another feeling will come your way take its place.

Recovery isn’t pretty, and life isn’t perfect; but you are worth fighting for.

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thecandywrites · 1 year

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Monster March Day 19- Mermaid- Par t 4

Not The Only One

Because sometimes the most comforting thing can be learning that you're not alone. And that you're not the only one suffering in silence and that when you call out, you should be heard and that call should be answered.

Part 4

Not The Only One

And then just as your things got delivered to your new “room” from your old one. You were unpacking when you heard a male scream out. And you stood as straight as a needle.

It was the same ‘Just cut it off! I don’t want it!’ And you didn’t think- you just swam to the source of the sound to see another micro- being strapped to the chair like you had been days earlier.

“You shouldn’t be here!” Another nurse yelled at you but you ignored them and burst into the room.

“Wait! Don’t! Stop! Don’t inject him! Please! Don’t do it! Please! Just talk to him! Just explain to him what’s going on! He’s overwhelmed and he’s alone and he’s scared! Please! Just wait. Just give him a chance to calm himself down!” You pleaded as the nurses who were about to inject him with more medicine left the syringes to try to pull you out of the room before he got a hand free and used the syringe like a weapon and instead injected all the other doctors and nurses just as you were pulled out of the room. And in a flash he overpowered the two nurses trying to take you away and instead grabbed you up and swam with you. You didn’t know who or what kind of micro he was, but he was one hell of a good swimmer before the hospital went on lockdown as he tried to find a way out of it before you recognized the room you had once left and simply pulled him into it before he used one of the scalpels he had taken from the operating room and cut an opening into the corner before he pulled you both into the corner to hide under the sea sponge, specifically in the little space that the sponge laid on as you both crammed yourselves into the space and simply hid as he at least had pushed you in first and kept himself between you and the opening he had made and thankfully the pump had pumped in enough water into the tank that the water rushing into the pocket didn’t show on the level of the water in the room for more than a few seconds.

But the position that you were in, wasn’t a comfortable one but the door was opened and you both froze and didn’t dare breathe as the room was given a once over before the door was shut a few moments later. And once it did, you could hear the click of the room locking before you both blew out a breath of relief before you both finally slumped against each other in the corner.

“So? I take it you got the curse of the three dots?” You whispered.

“Yeah. You could say that.” He hung his head.

“Me too. It sucks- don’t it?” You mused before he huffed a laugh.

“No kidding.” He shook his head.

“I’m Ellie.” You introduced yourself.

“Zach.” He offered before you managed to find each other’s hands in the dark and shook hands before you both couldn’t help but giggle a little.

“How long have you been here?” You asked.

“Pshh. I don’t know.” He shrugged.

“Me either. I have no idea how much time has passed. It feels like I was in my home tank only a week ago or so. But it’s probably been longer. They’ve had me drugged for most of it. So who knows how long it’s really been.” You confided.

“Same.” He murmured.

“So, back there, you were asking them to explain things to me. What’s going on?” He asked after a moment.

“There’s a big celebration that’s coming up. Apparently, there was a huge search for micros- didn’t matter the kind or subspecies. Just- any micro with that damned three spotted pattern. We were all supposed to be unveiled in a huge tank. And smile and waive to the masses of people who would want to take our pictures with the marks, but alongside other micros who are apparently trained professionals at that fishshit.” You revealed.

“Well, that’s going to be a disaster.” He muttered which got you to snicker a laugh before your laughter was infectious.

“Yeah, apparently the professionals are, from my experience, either really nice, or really awful. I have yet to meet anyone in between.” You admitted before you noticed that he was struggling to keep his head up. And still fighting off the drugs they had already managed to inject into him.

“Here, lay down, that stuff is brutal. Sleep. I’ll make sure we stay here and aren’t seen.” You offered to him before you moved so that he could at least lay down over you.

“Here, in case they come back.” He offered as he found your hand with his free one and put the scalpel in your hand before he laid down, with his large, and frankly, very well muscled arms around your waist and used your lap like a pillow and was asleep in no time. So you simply cut little “breathing holes” into the sea sponge which worked so fresh oxygenated water flowed through the little space so you could both breath easy before you stuck the scalpel up into the other sponges so you didn’t have to keep holding it but wouldn’t have to worry about it accidentally cutting you or him before you laid over his back and unbraided your hair so that it would lay over the both of you to help keep you a bit warmer.

Come morning though, you were still more or less tangled up in him but he had his back to the corner itself but held you to his chest as the two of you curled in on eachother while your heads were closer to the large opening to breathe even easier. But you awoke the feeling of him petting down your hair.

“Hey,” you whispered before he moved his face from looking at the opening to looking at you as that little bit of light gave you both enough to at least see each other better.

“Hey.” He mirrored as he looked down and offered a small but grateful smile.

“How much do you remember about home?” He asked.

“A lot. It was huge. I grew up in a huge tank. Hundreds of gallons. But thousands of micros. All of them of different kinds. Then as a kid we went to school, only instead of going for part of the day. We went and then never left to go back home. We had our own dorms we would sleep in. And your classmates became your new friends and family. The girls on one side and the boys on the other. I grew up..very… unspecial. All the prettier girls were marked as “special” and separated and given extra lessons and the longer that happened the more especially bratty they became. They had this whole- superiority complex. Just because they were pretty according to the huge people who keep us, that, that somehow makes them better than everyone else. When we have no control over what we look like. All of that is determined by genetics. At my school, we shared everything, books, school supplies, hair ties being the most common. And then like, a week before the special ones were supposed to be taken away, apparently the people who came who were supposed to come and buy them, came early, and took one look at the special ones and I guess dismissed them at a glance and I had never seen those girls more devastated than that one rejection. Not getting a bad grade, not getting in trouble with your parents, not sneaking out and getting caught. Nope. Just a human shaking their head no was enough to break them.” You began.

“And then my owner, he had all the “mentors” gather all of us up, divide us by kind and then shoved us into a room to “show off” to the buyers. I had gotten the stupid overlapping dots only a week before. And didn’t think anything of it. But the moment those humans looked at the dots, the dots meant something to them. So I was bought. On the spot. I was given a new name. A new pedigree, a new everything. Apparently, in order for micros to travel, they have to get special medicine but it’s supposed to be given over a long period of time. I got mine all at once. And I immediately got sick. But my new owner, who I have yet to even meet or know their name or anything. But armed guards were put into the tank to escort me back to my bunk to get what few possessions I had. And then I got a whole stack of new books and was told to read them and gain their knowledge as quickly as possible. And then it took forever to get…wherever “here” is. But once I got here, I was put into quarantine. But they had me train while I was in quarantine, all alone, I had two neighbors, one on each side of me. A beta on one side who was, well, for betas, I guess average- very pretty but stuck up and aggressive. Then I had a huge discus on the other side of me. Neither of them wanted to be friends with me and then they got out of quarantine way before I did. And I just couldn’t hack it by myself, and then the more I thought about these damned stupid dots on me, the more I hated them and wanted to take them off, so I tried to cut them off, with a pencil. I failed. Because it broke, but I was determined. And that’s when what just happened to you- happened to me.” You explained.

“It wasn’t until a nurse, a guppy micro- came into this room. Only I was at the opposite corner, and she just…talked to me. And explained the significance of the dots and the pattern why I was in the situation I was in and why…I can’t go home now.” You began to cry before he hugged you even harder to let you cry into his chest and somehow, these arms of a stranger was the closest thing to comfort that you had gotten yet.

“Only now, I know that the damned dots, are a recessive pattern. And now, I’m told that my family might be coming here to me. But for breeding purposes, trying to nail down and then reproduce the damn recessive gene that just happened to express itself on me. And I can not begin to tell you how much I really don’t want to do that. Like I miss my family so much. But I really do not want to mate with any of my brothers, or my dad, or uncles or grandfather or…ugh!” You shuddered and made a gagging noise which got Zach to grin crookedly at you.

“So, what about you?” You asked once you got recomposed.

“Something similar. Only. I’m a hybrid. My mom is one kind of micro and my dad is another kind of micro."

“What kind?” You asked.

“Well, my dad is a guppy.” He began before he hesitated.

“Oh, I’m sorry, is your mom a beta?” You asked with a wince.

“Yeah. only, she’s beautiful but she’s not- very “classic” beta, at least according to the other beta’s I know, who are, in all honesty- the classic- very pretty but very vain and very aggressive.” He admitted.

“So when did you get the damned dots?” You asked.

“As a kid. So, like you said, I was one of those “special kids”. But the pressure to be special and spectacular, all the time. Always flashing your fins for whoever would come to the tank is…” He began.

“Exhausting. Because how we wear our fins is usually based on mood or based on movement. So to have them extended but be stationary is unnatural.” You supplied.

“Yes! Exactly. And I just…when I got here. I was thrown into a tank of other betas, all of them bigger than me and more impressive than me but because I had those damned dots. I was still given “special treatment”. And all it did was make everyone else hate and resent me. And I just..I don’t want to be special anymore. I just want…I just want the life my parents had, you know?” He confessed.

“Yes, I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same way. Now granted, looking back, part of me wishes they never saw it or I called out sick that day to class and stayed in my bunk and wasn’t seen and released back into the tank. But then- no matter who I would have ended up being mated to- if any of my kids had these damned dots on them. They would have gone through what I just did. And I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. So, either way. I feel like I lose.” You murmured.

“What about you? What do you remember about home?” You asked him.

“It was just my parents and my siblings in our tank. It was…honestly a paradise. Not so big that it felt empty. But big enough to play in. Big enough for us to all stretch our fins and play tag and race and stuff or have our own small quiet space. But small enough to still be cozy. But when I got these spots. My parent’s owner got a picture of me. And apparently it got so popular that the people here reached out to her and offered her a deal she couldn’t refuse. And so before I could actually go with my siblings into the pairing tank, I was taken out a week early. And the buyer came and told me a bunch of pretty lies to get me to agree to go willingly. And while my old owner had already been giving me medicine on a set schedule, I still ended up getting a new injection that hurt like hell. And I had to live in a black out box for- I don’t know how long. And then when I got here, they put me in with the other betas who were bigger than me and much more aggressive than I could handle and they were just…so mean and then all the girls of course were in the next tank over and the moment they heard I was a hybrid, they wanted nothing to do with me. Even one who had the same exact pattern as me, who was apparently bought just to be my mate. She claimed she’d rather jump out of the tank and air drown than be with me. And when the other guys began to threaten to skin me that’s when I had to be taken out. And then I was put by myself again, and I just…I couldn’t take it.” He admitted.

“Solitary confinement sucks. I’m sorry they were mean to you.” You consoled him with a bittersweet smile.

“It’s the worst.” He readily agreed with a smile to fight back the tears that were coming to his eyes.

“Thank you for rescuing me.” He offered.

“You’re welcome. It was when you yelled ‘just take the damn pattern off, I don’t want it’. I knew I had to come. Because thats what I screamed right before they gagged me and injected me with enough of that medicine it put me out and when I woke up- someone was on me, pushing my chest. Like my heart had stopped. And I’m pretty sure they did end up over dosing me to the point my heart stopped. But for what this place paid for me, they apparently couldn’t afford to lose me. So then they gave me another injection and I felt like I had the energy of a toddler just learning they can jet swim and jet all over the tank. And I was so angry they revived me. They put me in this…dress. It wrapped my arms around my waist but tied up in the back so I couldn’t get out of it on my own. And tied it so tight I could barely breathe, let alone move and definitely couldn’t swim. Then I was put into this room. And I had to crawl to the opposite corner on my belly to simply use the sloap of the corner like a pillow. And when I woke up again. I was in a different dress. It restrained my hands so I could only bring them up to my mouth if I bent over half way to eat from my own hands. But otherwise had a collar around my neck to keep me from strangling myself and they tied my hair up so I couldn’t use that to strangle myself with either. And it protected my body from trying to claw these damned dots off of me any more than I already had. There’s a little box they tried to feed me a baby bit with. Small enough that I wouldn’t and couldn’t choke on it. But I had too much medicine in my body and was too depressed to eat. And then a nurse came in and explained everything to me. What had really happened behind the scenes and why it happened and predicted what was going to happen next. But that if I promised not to hurt myself or others again, I could get out of that damned outfit. And get my hair back. Which I did. And that’s when they let into the other side of the hospital with the other patients, the ones who hurt themselves on accident instead of on purpose. And I was never asked about how I got hurt and so all the others assumed I got hurt how they got hurt. Which was something about- 'being a newbie' ? And 'over-zealous in tryouts'?” You recalled.

“And while I didn’t confirm it, I didn’t deny it either. And at least the food in the cafeteria was… decent. Extra nutritious to help injuries heal faster.” You allowed.

“So it tasted like snail slime?” He guessed with a grin and an eyebrow raised before you both snickered a laugh.

“Oh my goodness! Yes!” You confirmed in a hushed murmur.

“Give me baby bits over that crap any day.” You allowed. But at the mention of food, both of your bellies began to growl.

“Do you still think they’re looking for us?” He asked.

“Probably. Who knows what they’ll do when they find us though.” You sighed.

“You’re my first real friend I’ve found here. I’d hate to lose you so quick.” You offered.

“Likewise.” He offered.

“Here, let’s see if we can try to sneak out of here and get back to the other side of the hospital. Maybe they have something like what you have that I can put on and we can try to blend in with everyone else.” He offered.

“Well, let’s make sure the sensors and things in this room aren’t still on.” You offered first before you grabbed the scalpel from it’s hiding place and cut out a hunk of it and handed it to him to throw out of where you were hiding. And nothing happened.

Then he opened the opening a little more for him to look around before you wedged yourself between him and sea sponge to look around the top edges to see that the motion sensors weren’t even on.

“Ok, I think we’re ok. There’s usually a blinking light at the top of the tank over there. It’s not blinking. And the lights are off. I think we’re safe.” You whispered before you slowly emerged and waited to see if you would be seen or noticed by anyone or anything. And to your relief, you weren’t. So you swam to the door and peeked out to see if anyone was in the halls and then looked further into the window to make sure no one was there before you looked through the “mirror” in the back of the tank and no one was in the little room meant to serve as an observation room.

“Zach, you’re ok, You can come out now.” You told him as you could see he had that scalpel firmly in his fist before he came out of there and you could see how he was all gold. Except for the black three dots on his body and fins in the same ‘mouse ear’ pattern. But you quickly looked away to swim to the top where the sea sponge ended and the water stopped as you used your hold on the sponge on the wall to pull yourself up out of the water to peek over the “wall” of the room and down into the hallway before you saw others swimming up and down the corridor. And recognized your nurse! She would surely help.

“Zach, hide again. I need you to hide again!” You told him before he dove into that crevice but tried to take you with him.

“Wait, just wait. There’s a nurse. Let me talk to her, and see how we can get us out and back to the other side? Ok? Just a theoretical, ok?” You offered.

“But what if…?” He began to ask.

“Then take me as your hostage if push comes to shove ok?” You offered before you kissed his cheek sweetly then got to the door and waited for her to come walking by before you knocked on the window.

“Oh my gills! Ellie?! Oh you poor dear! How’d you get stuck in there?” She said as she quickly unlocked the door before you hugged her while you subtly brought her inside and pulled the door shut as you did so to give the two of you some privacy.

“Oh I was so worried about you! I heard you got kidnapped by that hybrid!” She said.

“No, that’s not what happened. We split up but because I knew this room, I saw it and dove for this room and then it locked on me.” You explained.

“Oh ok. Well, that’s a good thing you did. Last I heard he was armed and dangerous. So he didn’t hurt you?” she asked worriedly.

“No. Not at all. Far from. I just…I heard him say the same thing I said when I was first…injured. And I, just followed his voice because I didn’t want what happened to me to happen to him too. Especially if he was like me and didn’t know which end was up.” You explained.

“Oh you sweet thing. No hun. You and him are nothing alike. He’s known exactly what was going on from the start. He just…he was having a really rough go of it too.” She tried to waive off.

“So let’s get you out of here and back to the other side. You’re probably starving.” She said.

“But what about Zach?” You asked as you tried to gently resist her trying to get you out of the room.

“What if I can find him and make him promise the same things you made me promise you? About not hurting himself or others?” You asked before she gave you a curious look.

“Well, for one, I’m just a nurse. How his profile is set up in the system. I don’t have the clearance or authority to change it to what you have.” She offered.

“Who would?” You asked.

“A doctor. And all the doctors who know about him will want to make sure he goes through de-threatening training.” She asked.

“Well, what if we went through it together? If he’s gone through a fraction of what I did. I’m sure he’d be ok. He just shouldn’t be left alone for more than he already has. He looked and felt…guppy to me. What if he may look more of what he is on the outside but mentally, he’s just a guppy like me?” You asked before she narrowed her eyes a smidge.

‘I’m going to say one thing and sign another, could you keep up?’

“Well that depends.” You returned.

‘Yes.’ You signed ack.

“How long did you get a chance to stay with him? Just long enough to run and hide and get his name or a little longer that that?” She asked.

‘Is he in here with you?’ She signed.

“Long enough for both of us to tell each other our sob stories and connect guppy to guppy.” You answered as you signed- ‘yes’.

“So would you trust him to not harm you?” She asked.

‘Does he still have a weapon?’ She signed.

“Yes I trust him to not harm me or others. But I think he’s like me. He was pushed past his breaking point just like I was- and just doing all he could to survive when he couldn’t self destruct.” You answered.

‘Yes but only in self defense.’ You signed as you said that.

“I see, Well, let me keep you in here for now, just to be safe. Let me get the feeding tube to at least feed you, while we look for him and when we find him, I’ll come and get you and you and me and a doctor together can talk to him and see what we can do.” She offered.

‘Please go get these clothes for him so he can come with me to the other side of the hospital. Please, I know he’ll be good if we stay together. Please don’t separate us. Please.’ You signed pleadingly.

“I’ll see what I can do.” She offered before she left and locked the room back up. But turned the room so that you’d at least get light and food in there before the feeder dropped in a pile of baby bits that you hurriedly used your tail to push over towards the corner so that he could start to collect them in the corner and eat himself as you grabbed four of them, two in each hand while you pushed the rest over to him.

“The motion sensors and I think the cameras are back on. So you’re gonna have to stay in there ok?” You murmured quietly as you put your body next to the slit to cover the view of the baby bits being pulled into the pocket he had made for himself.

“Do you think she bought it?” He asked.

“I hope so.” You offered.

A few moments later the nurse came back with a few sets of the special outfit you were wearing, but bigger to fit him.

“Ok, it’s a good thing I like you as much as I do. If you’re going to take this leap of faith for this guy. I’ll at least try to help keep you safe while you do so.” She offered.

‘I’ll trade this for his weapon.’ She offered.

“Thank you. I really appreciate it.” You offered.

“Well, for now, let me give you these, just in case you find him before I do.” She offered as she set the outfits in your arms.

“Now let me go back and get my pad and my scanner so that when we find him together. We can change the settings in the system ok? And change him from dangerous to nice, just like you.” She offered.

“Ok.” You nodded before she left again.

“Ok, I made a deal, if you give me the scalpel, and get changed into whichever of these will fit, and then when she comes back, we will trade it for you to get changed in the system when she scans your chip in your tail ok?” You offered.

“How’d you manage that?” He asked.

‘Through sign language.’ You signed to him with an apologetic look.

‘Ok. Smart.’ He signed back before he finally emerged and began to try on the various ones and only fit into the largest one she had brought.

“How did the two of us fit into that corner?” You gently teased as you helped him put it on the way yours was put on.

“Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” He managed to say before he seemed to stretch out and then reached back into the space and grab the scalpel and handed it to you just in time for her to come back.

“Well look at that, you two must have hidden in opposite corners.” She smiled smugly before you handed her the scalpel back before she wrapped it in a special cloth and put it into the pocket of her own smock.

“Ok, so let’s scan you, and make sure everything is squared away.” She began before she scanned you and then used a code she was given to change you over from “hostage” to “lost” and then from “lost” to “found” and then “returning patient to dorm”.

“Ok, now, you sir. Can you promise, and swear to me- on your mother’s life- that you will never harm this sweetheart next to you or any other, especially yourself from now on?” She insisted as she rose to look him firmly into the eyes.

“Yes.” He nodded.

“Good. See, if people just knew how to treat guppy mircos right, we wouldn’t get into messes like this.” She tsked before she swam down and scanned the chip in his tail and immediately shut off the alert and began using codes she had written down on her arms to change things in the system as much and as quickly as she could before the system accepted the new settings and stopped giving off an alarm.

“Ok, back to the other side. Just play along with me as I escort you back ok?” She urged before she looked out into the hallway and made sure the coast was clear.

So you took Zach’s hand and left the room with him.

“Come on you two, the psyche ward is no place to play hide and seek.” She “scolded” you as she escorted the two of you back to your room before she put Zach in the room across the hallway. Because your roommate was still in yours.

“Hey, I’m Blaze.” Blaze introduced himself when Zach came in and got assigned to the other bed.

“What’cha in for?” Blaze asked.

“Same as me.” You piped up as you hovered in the hallway to make sure that Zach would settle in ok.

“Oh, another over eager newbie?” Blaze supplied.

“Something like that.” Zach nodded before someone else came and finally delivered his things from the tank Zach was in before.

“Woah, that’s cool.” Blaze noted as he looked at the things that Zach was choosing to unpack from his bag.

“Thanks.” Zach said as he put the beautiful blanket on his bed that still had the names of all of his clutchmates and his parents woven right into it so he would never forget where he came from.

“Ellie!” Missy said once she saw you and nearly tackled you in the hall as she hugged you.

“Oh my goodness are you ok? I heard you got kidnapped! And then held as a hostage! Are you ok?” She loudly crooned.

“No! No. No, I didn’t get kidnapped or held as a hostage or anything like that.” You were quick to reassure her and all those that seemed to come around when they heard it.

“You see, I saw my friend Zach and I was so happy to see a familiar face we immediately started playing a game we always played as kids. And we both ended up getting lost and we unfortunately both chose too good of a hiding spot that we got locked into it. So we weren’t around for…any of that.” You tried to dismiss as you gestured to Zach who simply nodded along with that story.

“Oh well then you missed out on quite the story! Apparently a super fancy beta hybrid went on the rampage and took out a whole team of doctors and nurses and then took on a hostage. I just heard that he was found with his hostage. And the poor hostage must have gotten stockholm syndrome because now they can’t even be separated but are in solitary together. That poor girl. But I’m so happy that wasn’t you! So, come on, finish unpacking, you’re probably starved from being locked up during all of that.” Missy urged you as she pulled you back to the room across the hall where you finished putting away the few scant items you had before she shut the door to help you get changed into another smock that would fit you as you had bloomed and blossomed overnight again as what you were wearing was super tight and squishing your bosom all across your chest as Blaze was more interested in watching you do so before the door was shut and he looked back to Zach to see how he was settling in.

“So speaking of beta, obviously, you’re a beta too, what kind are you?” Blaze asked once you and your roommate went to the mess hall to eat.

“Gold chameleon.” Zach answered.

“Ah, makes sense.” Blaze nodded.

“How much stuff did you bring from home?” Blaze asked as he looked back to see Zach pull more and more things out of his bag.

“Too much apparently.” Zach said as he realized he still had too much to fit into the space before he packed up his non-essential items and put them in the cupboards and the most precious things under the bed.

Then the door opened to reveal you in more appropriately fitting smocks as it was pretty obvious you were maturing more and more by the moment.

“Well damn.” Blaze muttered under his breath as Zach snapped his head over to see you as his eyes as well as Blaze’s seemed to go up and down your body as Missy was hauling you down the hallway.

“So you both were taken in from the same home tank huh? Were all her sisters as blessed as her?” Blaze asked.

“Yup.” Zach nodded.

“All of them as nice as her too?” Blaze prodded.

“Yup.” Zach nodded.

“Cool.” Blaze nodded just as Zach finished before Blaze showed him around the place to see you already in a school of other guppy micros. All of you crowding around the table and practically eating off each other’s plates and all of you talking to each other while also talking over each other as he could appreciate how you seemed to both blend in with the others but because, with the smock, you were actually pretty ordinary, and if anything, a bit drab compared to the others. But that only made you stand out even more and he could only smile fondly as he went through the line and got what he could from the food options.

“How come you’re getting guppy flakes?” Blaze asked as he looked Zach curiously.

“Oh, it was a big tank with lots of kinds. We all got to try everyone else’s food. And I just…got a taste for them.” Zach lied, going along with your back story that you had told him.

“Are they any good?” Blaze asked before Zach broke one of the flakes off and handed it to him.

“Eh, they’re ok I guess. But if it’s a taste of home I could see why you’d want them.” Blaze shrugged off before Zach simply followed Blaze with the other males he hung out and introduced him to the other larger males as Zach was relieved there weren’t any other males he recognized that could “blow his cover” so to speak.

“So? How was being locked in with goldilocks over there?” The other girls asked once they lowkey watched Zach cross the cafeteria, his beautiful gold fins catching every bit of light and practically glittering and glowing gold. While his hair was braided gorgeously, the long Silky gold strands plaited beautifully

“It was fine. It was minnows in a hole kind of hide and seek and we were the only two minnows in a hole I’m surprised he fit into apparently. But where there’s a way right?” You tried to say as you tried to keep your blush down.

“So he’s the cute boy next door for you huh?” One of the girls teased.

“You could say that.” You had to admit as your cheeks grew more flushed.

“Ooh. Too bad he’s a beta though. So pretty, but I’ve heard they’re really territorial and possessive.” Sissy offered.

“Well, that’s the thing, he’s a beta hybrid. His mom is beta, but his dad is guppy and he may look very beta but he acts pretty guppy, at least to me.” You volunteered.

“He’s a hybrid? Well damn. Ok, you know what, yeah, I see it. Most of his features are beta, but if he has the mind and personality of a guppy, that’s practically the best of both worlds.” The girls giggled.

“Yeah.” You nodded as your own sense of possessiveness started to come to life.

After that, you and Zach as well as the other “newbies” were called to the learning annex to continue with the training you and all the other injured “newbies” had to do. But you were thankful and grateful to have Zach right next to you. Although his “training courses” were very different than yours. And suddenly you felt sick and the sinking feeling of dread that you wouldn’t be able to stay together for very long.

“Everything ok over there?” Zach murmured as he went through his courses.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” You tried to deflect.

“I can feel your anxiousness from here. Are you having trouble with the lessons?” He asked.

“No. The lessons are fine. It’s just…a lot of repetition.” You answered before his tail fin ever so gently moved over so that a tip of his fins laid over yours and suddenly, that one touch seemed to calm you as you subconsciously blew out a breath of relief before Zach simply reached over and put his hand into yours as it laid in your lap as you laced your fingers with his and held on tight.

“So what’s really wrong?” Zach asked.

“Your training is different than mine. We’re not going to the same place.” You confessed.

“Not necessarily. All of this is just anger management and emotion regulation. Because I’ve already gone through what you’re going through now. This is all just- how to play nice with others. For you, it’s instinctual. For me, it’s something I get to learn to deal with.” He answered.

“But you were fine today with the others. Or were you anxious and just hiding it well?” You asked.

“Well, it’s all an adjustment right now. I’m still adjusting.” He admitted.

“Me too.” You confessed.

“Likewise.” You offered as you were much happier and more content to do the work, simply holding Zach’s hand with one and and use the other to touch the screen on the interface as instead of frustration and boredom, you felt happy and content to take in the lessons as Zach was happy to do the same as you both seemed to finish the work at the same time.

“I thought I was going to go crazy all alone. And then in here, it’s been overwhelming after being on my own for so long, I like having friends, but it’s like I’m an imposter among these guys. And like I don’t belong among them. They’re all so bold and flashy and colorful and grew up in really rich tanks and always had the best of everything and I’m just just a drab guppy from a micro mill with this stupid pattern. And I either stand out for it but not in a good way, like, the micros who do actually notice me, frown to see how drab I am then patronize me for somehow getting the right connections to be allowed in here and not on my own merits. Or I blend in with the furniture and nothing in between.” You admitted as he gave you a reassuring squeeze of your hand.

“Well, then that makes two of us. We’re both imposters in this place. But don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.” Zach offered which got you to huff a laugh through your nose but smile appreciatively.

And after, you got to bring Zach into the friend circle you had made as they finished with their physical therapy for the day. And while Zach was the largest micro in the group. He seemed much more comfortable and at ease among them as opposed to the others he had been with at lunch and he never left your side. Which always made you feel more happy and comfortable. That you could keep this “act” that you belonged up- since you knew he was doing the same. And together you were able to build more of a “backstory” that had touches and flourishes from both of your childhoods involved as you were able to excuse the fact that you went to boarding school and didn’t get to see him much and the two of you were simply “catching up”.

#Monster March 2023 #Monster March #Monster March 2023 Day 19 - Mermaid #Monster March 2023 Day 19 Part 4 #Tw psyche ward #tw suicide attempt #tw self harm #tw suicide #tw depression #tw intervention #tw metal illness #tw mental breakdown #tw nervous breakdown

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