#sudden income
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……
😳
I…
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So… I don’t believe in things like those “reblog to get money” posts. Usually i ignore them. But last week I thought, fine, I’m desperate enough.
Soon after, my state issued a one time tax rebate for $260 that I got deposited.
By the weekend I was informed that my $45,000 student loan debt had been forgiven. In full. Like GONE.
Today…
Today, in my mailbox, was a letter from the US Treasury Department with a check for a little over $1,000 refunding me for student loan costs.
Like????
I don’t even know what to do with myself????
I can suddenly afford to take my dog to the vet???
I can buy fast food for lunch???
Like I has THREE DOLLARS i my bank account???
I pray as well though I hate to ask for myself but???
Anyway I don’t typically talk about my personal life but I needed to share this.
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2024 reads / storygraph
Outdrawn
f/f contemporary romance
two cartoonist who’ve been rivals since uni, and now have competing webcomics online, have to work together on the relaunch of a cult classic at the comic press they both work at
they both struggle with art-related physical and mental health issues, and complicated families
#outdrawn#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#sapphic books#I thought this was decent! I liked the concept (even if I got distracted by some art related things…)#and the dynamic between the characters was good. I enjoyed their relationship development broadly speaking#and the emphasis on communication; though it was a quick flip into being together all of a sudden.#The sketchbook doodle flirting was cute. Some interesting exploration of their complicated family situations too.#There’s a lot of exploration of burnout and carpal tunnel and the dangers of artists overworking which I think are important conversations#and are done with some nuance. But it’s pretty much all discussed in the context of the personal pressure they put on themselves#rather than the industry corporate greed and artificial competition created by the comic platform - which are significant in this story!#It felt odd that that connection wasn’t really ever made?#I know that this is a romance and nitpicking the background plot is beside the point and also that I am not a big romance reader#but the premise that the comic hosting site archives everything; wipes the leaderboard; and out of nowhere has a comic competition for#new weekly chapters…I’m sorry but the art world would riot. Even if people enter because they’re desperate for the cash they’d be pissed#People live off the income from their webcomics! if they were erased (temporarily) with no notice…..there would be crimes committed istg#I simply don’t believe that it would be doable to create a new weekly webcomic with no notice while you also have a full-time comic job#(especially as the only stylistic choices mentioned are full-colour) - not to mention what happened to their 8-years-running webcomics#that were archived? they don’t think about them at all after the beginning? surely they’d care about that?#And then with their new comics they make for this competition (after work I guess) we get vague snippets about them but barely anything#- if they’re consuming that much of your time I would expect to feel like they’re thinking about them all the time#rather than the vaguest discussion about genre and cast numbers only.#I guess I just think the whole comic site stunt felt unnecessary for the plot anyway -#it would have worked exactly the same if they were just competing on the normal leaderboard with their normal comics???#anyway - I’m not judging TOO hard about all that because again I know it’s not the point and maybe the industry is like that in some place#Unfortunately it was distracting enough to affect my feelings on the book tho lol.#Lastly: the audiobook………oof. The narrators talk at different speeds; for one.#And Sage’s VA does this deeply weird raspy-anime-teen-boy voice for Noah which is such an odd choice#and doesn’t match her character at all.#unforch my library only had the audiobook (what I usually prefer) so I just had to sort of….translate the narration into a normal voice lol#anyway the romance is good tho
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i love that my therapist was like . “bitch, lie more”
#i give way too much access to myself to people who don't respect it#and i need to be more protective of my time and energy and vulnerability.#she’s like. if you get a phone call you don’t wanna answer. if you’re in a conversation you don’t wanna continue to be in. LIE.#say you need to go cuz you have plans. pretend you’re in the middle of something. fake an incoming phone call.#if you need to spend an entire day in bed and someone thinks that means you’re available. say you’re running errands all day instead!#if you don’t want to answer a question. you actually have to go pee really bad all of a sudden!#the autism makes this so so so hard for me. i do not think well on my feet. but i need to like.#pre-load some of these excuses into my vocabulary and my toolbox.#cuz my mom & my stepmom both run me the fuck over if given more than very controlled allotted access to me.#and i cannot keep living like that.#izzy.txt
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i hate how entitled I end up feeling bc this is my sentiment but . Really really resenting that my parents aren’t going to help me with school or rent or anything while they super can
#230k income and they say they can’t afford to help. bull fucking shit#I work full time and make 30k a year and my mom said#and I quote#‘that’s it?’#YES THATS FUCKING IT HOLY SHIT?#I had to beg her to help with medical expenses for the cat she LEFT US WITH#and she says her and my dad can barely afford their house but she has never had access to their financials#so how would she know all of a sudden#I don’t know I’m struggling and I’m making a budget spreadsheet and I don’t have time for hobbies trying to do both work and school#and it makes me so angry because all my friends get help from their parents and mine just. I don’t know#I feel abandoned and hurt because it was like my mom and us against the world but she chose my dad in the end and that meant shutting us out#like whatever it is what it is. but it’s also not and I have so much hurt and anger pent up because I feel fed to the fucking wolves#btw out of their 3 kids I’m the only one they would have to pay ANY tuition for#and I’m going to a state school in the state which I was born and currently live. it would not be financially devastating.#(for them.)#fafsa is going to give me nothing unless I get married to my boyfriend so I can be an independent#bc fafsa is so fucking awful and is like mmmmm your parents will pay :) but they WONT THATS THE FUCKING POINT
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hey ive been meaning to say that you are one of my favorite rtvs clippers and the fact we are mutuals is really cool to me :) thanks for thinking my blog is cool sometimes!!
awww thank you, i'm glad we're mutuals as well. i think your blog is cool too! thanks for telling me.
i'm always so surprised when people say they like my rtvs clips so much, to me it's such a simple process that in the end doesn't require much thought, but people say nice stuff to me about it all the time.
when it comes to my channel i honestly wish i could make more vod edits and such, so i wouldn't be a channel that just has clips and could be somebody actually putting more originality into stuff. but alas i'm super busy (especially now) and have primary interests besides rtvs. but the rtvs fan community on the whole is just so nice and understanding i don't feel that pressure too often
#asks#empresszero#sorry for rambling. i've been thinking about what i want to do with youtube-related stuff a lot recently#it's really a shame cause i got alot more of my personal shit figured out recently#but then my family all the sudden is very low income now and i wanna support them and i'm gonna have way more schoolwork to do.#oh well. i'll just do it other times then i guess. there's always the holidays
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Listen, I just feel like having one (1) incoming ice age would have been conflict enough for Game of Thrones. You can have all the mounting time pressure, the survival challenges, the snow imagery, the incredulous masses, yadda yadda yadda, and you don't have to address the EXTREMELY WILD biological and societal implications of having unpredictably sized seasons.
I mean. Not that he did address the wild implications. As far as I know. Which again, begs the question of why put it in the text, if it's never gonna influence anything?
#it's absolutely insane to me#Getting Enough Food has been the desperate driving force of humanity until like. VERY RECENTLY.#It is insane to think that a society that has faced unpredictably long winters wouldn't be laser targeted on the food issue.#and if he REALLY wanted to use the unpredictable seasons#he could absolutely have written about how the people of old prepped for winters#and how current people have grown lax and indulgent about it#BUT IT SHOULD GET ADDRESSED!!!#OUR world has had sudden ice ages before#why not just have a fucking ice age#one (1) incoming ice age would be just as bad or worse than a long incoming winter#and then you can have a society that's basically us. no need to invent anything. they work just like us.#they just didn't know the horrors were coming!#drives the climate metaphor even better!#there problem solved!!#instead we are really just gonna ignore the INSANE amount of effort it took to survive even regular winters. in like. ALL of history.
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new year, new urge to try out a more maxis-mix sim style
#im very attracted to not so maxis match skin details and defaults all of a sudden#i feel like its all influenced by softerhaze and stinkrascal 😩#new citrlet era incoming???#dl
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Honestly with how little I post anyway, I would likely not miss Tumblr if it got shut down, I like posting my thoughts on the games I play but other than that I don't really get anything out of here that I wouldn't get by using the leftover social energy to hang out with my friends on discord more often
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ooc. Someone needs to come love my half-dragon boy. Leo just wanna be loved and accepted
#★ | ( ooc ) – ❝ 𝒏𝒐 𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒍𝒆𝒇𝒕❟ 𝒐𝒏𝒍𝒚 𝒌𝒏𝒊𝒗𝒆𝒔.#was listening to some music and i got sudden feels cause Go the Distance (hercules) came on#and leo just wants to find love and acceptance for who and what he is#he tries so hard to be a good man and he’s got so much to give#pls love him i beg#ps he’s a five star chef and will cook anything you want#he also lives in a mansion and has a lot of disposable income + treasure#very affectionate and teasing
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I spoke too soon I should have known that was too easy for him I’m so tired I was like hey! I might have found someone interested in subleasing, if they end up not wanting to ill start making posts places but either way, ill need a move in date to advertise and tell people. Do you have any estimates of when you might find a place yet?
And my fucking roommate replies with a bunch of links to apartments like well you could move HERE like fuck you fuck you fuck you jackass this wasn’t what we agreed on and also 90% of the places he sent me were places I already contacted and had no availability/a waitlist/couldn’t sign until august and the other 10% were WAY out of my price range also none of this solves that I don’t want to sign a new fucking lease cuz I want out of this fucking fuck ass city between you and your bf you make almost TRIPLE what I do you will have such an easier time finding a new place and moving plus you wanna stay in this stupid fucking fuck ass city just fucking GET OUT
#i am genuinely starting to hate this dipshit#I get moving sucks!#but also this is all YOUR fault so YOU should get the shittier end of the deal sorry not sorry#also me living on my own means I will go from about 600 dollars of extra income s month#to about 200 to fucking ZERO depending on what the rent is#how about you kill yourself#‘I’m not trying to make this harder for you’#you are actively fucking me over in sooooo many fucking ways dude because you are incapable of considering other human beings#he also has less bills than me?????#like motherfucker doesn’t even have a car payment cuz his mom GAVE him a car be fucking for real#he’s spent his whole life pretty much kinda jusy doing whatever he wants and getting whatever he wants#and it’s reallyyyyyyy starting to fucking show with this situation#GOD#I told him that doesn’t work for me and explained why to him AGAIN#and he has no answered so lol we’ll see#he was also like ‘but you’ll still have to live with someone you don’t know and you didn’t want that 🥺🥺’#like oh my god#yeah in an ideal world! no! I wouldn’t be doing that#but the issue wasn’t literally living with some guy I don’t know#it was being walked all over and treated like shit and not considered#nor was I asked about it lol like now I’m seeking a new roommate I was never doing that when you moved him in so I wasn’t prepared for it#fuck you for all of a sudden acting like you care about what’s ‘best for me’#and that it’s living alone when it quite literally fucking isn’t for so many reasons#you just don’t wanna fucking move and are scrambling now that I’m actually enforcing this#kysssssssssssss#kaz rambles
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Fuck man I wanted to do arts n crafties today but no!!!!! Hit with the big tired stick. As usual. I'm going to think about my son so I'm less mad
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Love getting lectured by my stepfather about the kitchen after I share some of what I was cooking with them. 😑
I already tend to avoid using the kitchen bc of how cluttered and messy Mom tends to leave it... and now I feel like I'm getting punished for offering y'all some of my cooking.
#groceries are fucking expensive and i was being nice#i cant wait for rent to drop enough that i can afford an apartment plus my car payments#like- i get that cleanliness is a sysphean task of constantly keeping up... but I can barely handley own mess sometimes#add in having a constantly full sink bc of my moms untreated ADHD and its suddenly much harder to just clean up after myself#im in my 30s with a full time accounting job - why tf can't i afford to live on my own with solo income in this area?#like- the moment I started making enough to actually think about living on my own#I was saddled with sudden car payments that take out about a third of my monthly income bc my old car died#AND down payment for that completely ruined what relocation savings I had#so we had to put our hunting for a studio job on hold... again#im just ... so tired#vessel talk
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unfortunately the allure of "at work i genuinely don't think that much and have no time or capacity to worry about home because i am fully mentally 'at work'" and "at work my family isnt there and i am not reminded of things happening in it by being asked about it by one of them or seeing them" and "at least i make money at work and am there often enough its a good amount and i feel useful lookibg at it" is really startibg to wear thin rifgt now
#i like not thinking i like being so caught in my sorting and doing a good job and helping people i dont feel the coldness settlibg in#i like not havibg sudden run ins i overthink later or being asked What Do You Think Haha in front of people id like to not air laundry to#people who respect me enough to wish well when im just a little bit not all there but dont want My Answer About It or My Assurance#i like not having to consider another job or parrttime searching again and scheduling both them at the same time#i like not thinking man but now im sfucking tired going too. when im cloxked in i turn all this off and i wish i could always be that way#helpful! im happy to help! im glad to. no worries no problem. thoughtful and useful and a joy if a little in need of guidance#the build up to therr. thinking about all of it alone on the way. always the sitting with it. the hours settling in#its wearing thin. something about it is. i think its only me. i wish i worked all the time so i wouldnt wind down back to all of this#everything here and reality going on and all the bad news and every bad memory and experience and incoming ache fffffuuck me man#im fine before anyone (noone) gets conc3rnened im just so tired. im so cold. nothing will come out. do i really need that as proof it hurts
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just remembered we won so i can check tiktok & instagram in peace 😭😭😭😭😭🫶🏿🫶🏿🫶🏿🫶🏿🫶🏿 THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU
#INCOMING MARCUS RASHFORD POST WITH A CAPTION: Amazing team effort! ➕️3️⃣ Points!"#AND ALL THE SUPPORTIVE MESSAGES UNDER IT OHHH IM SO HAPPY OF A SUDDEN!#gen.txt
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My head, heart, being feel too much of a mess for now to say a reasonable thing. But I haven't privately journalled in my notebook so much in so so long. This trip has been so important to undertake. Place things into perspective, see it as it is. Running into old feelings and crying like a toddler about those, not expecting them to swoop along. Idk. Idk what I must do now next. But I clearly can detect some of my own roadblocks now and I feel driven to break the strain and unlearn certain patterns or have a good reality-check.
#i'm still in moments of sudden tears outburts: happy grieving sad serotonin tears#it'll take a while to straighten out my head and communicate to you about it - i feel it is not fair otherwise#anyway i feel the intense urge to finish my college - get a job + good income - create my desired life - and take us wherever we want to be#i feel i have been in a slumber a bit and i need to manifest all the things i dream about#get that toyota land cruiser : take you to joshua tree + westcoast : learn the guitar : save for a house / appartment : get a stable income#realitycheck what or serves me and what or whom doesn't - come to terms with any unresolved sentiments and learn to counteract them/move on#- or evolve them if they have the space to be here#anyways... something has struck a nerve with me after this week. and it's a good thing - underneath the instant emotional niagara falls lol
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What if I threaten to kill myself, huh 😀?Because I literally will if I can’t find a dr to prescribe me klonopin ✨💖✨
#they take one look at me and see I’m black and assume I abuse substances#first of all if I take too much of anything then I get migraines!!!!!!!#second of all if I can’t get my situational stress under control then I promise you I will snap one day#one thing happens then I’m bed ridden with racing thoughts and a racing heart#this is no way to live#the things that throw me into a tailspin would not even elicit a fraction of an emotional response in other ppl#my bandaids have been retail therapy (bc of my sudden surplus of expendable income) drinking and smoking#what could go wrong#noa.txt
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