#such an unreal thing to be able to say you’ve done

[forlix]

happiest prince 🤍

[fluoneia]

pitfighter!vi knew it was bad to be indulging in something like a whorehouse, yet, she found herself at babettes often since she starting fighting in the ring.

usually, it was a quick in and out, but this time, she heard of a new worker. since the others started declining her because they were too rough with them, she decided to take the chances with you.

she drunkenly stumbled into babette’s place, grabbing onto the doorframe to steady herself.

that’s when she saw you. standing there, all pretty in nothing but pink.

vi’s eyes widen. she sees you talking to babette, no doubt starting as a worker there. vi chuckles to herself as she thinks, oh, i’m having fun tonight.

vi stumbles forward, grimacing as her shoulder hits the wall. she walks forward, leaning against the front desk.

“hey, babette.” vi slurs. she turns her glance to you, peering you up and down. her hungry, raw eyes make a shiver go down your spine. her badly-dyed black hair, ends pink, like how you assumed her hair used to look. she had bruises on her face, blood stained on her lip.

you gasp.

“hey, beautiful.” the girl rasps.

“vi.” babette says calmly, “i’m afraid.. you’ll have to take your business elsewhere.”

“what?” she turns to babette. “why?”

“well.. none of my girls will take you anymore. if i mention your name, they instantly say no.”

what the hell could this girl have done that makes it so every girl would decline her? money is money, you thought. and this girl seems willing to pay it.

“that’s bullshit.” she scoffed, slapping her palm on the desk. “bunch of wimps.”

“that’s precisely why, violet.” babette shakes her head. and her name is so.. un-fitting, you think. maybe the girl she was before, the girl with pink hair, was violet. but, this didn’t seem like a girl who deserved the honour to be named after things as delicate as flowers. but then again, you never liked delicate girls.

“i will.” you speak up. you straighten your back.

the girl— vi, turns to you. she eyes you up and down. and she reeks of alcohol, but, you could overlook that.

truth be told, you wanted to see what she would do that the others that made them not want to take her as a client anymore. you wanted to see what she could do.

“will you?” vi leans toward you. you smell the alcohol on her tongue. what made her this confident.. and if she can back it up?

and babette gives you a look. “alright. goodluck, then.” she snorts, leaning back.

you glance back toward vi. her eyes are staring at you like she can see underneath your clothes. undressing you with her eyes. and you wonder how she could look so damn hot.

red jacket. black hair. face-paint on her face. the way she held herself was so.. unreal. she knew she was attractive, and that’s what made her even more attractive.

you hadn’t had a good fuck in a while. at your old brothel, it was nothing but smelly, old, beer-bellied men, often from piltover looking for the thrill on cheating on their wives.

so, you hoped, maybe, just maybe, her reputation holds up, and you can just.. let yourself go.

oh, and boy, was she able to hold it.

you were writhing. your legs shaking, wrapped around her head as she eats you out like you’re a damned feast on christmas eve.

“o-oh, gods!” you’d scream, hands digging into her black hair, gripping and pulling her scalp. vi whines against you as you pull and tug, your plush, soft thighs wrapped so tightly around your head.

her fingers curl inside of you, only adding to the pure euphoria you feel. you’d fully forgotten everything— nothing mattered but vi’s tongue on you, licking through your folds, tasting you, feasting on you.

“ugh— fuck!” you whine, head throwing back against the pillow. the smoke of the candle around you, earthy scent only adding to the fog in your head.

how could anyone pass up on this? you’d think as her tongue brings you to your fourth orgasm of the night. your voice cracks from the sounds you’ve been making, no longer caring about how people might hear you. you’re too far gone to care.

“that’s it,” you hear vi whisper, voice vibrating against your skin in the most pleasurable way as it could. her voice was rasped, so drunk on your taste that she swore she’d never tasted better pussy before she met you.

“vi, vi, vi—“ you chant her name like a damn mantra as her hands tighten on your hips, dragging you toward her as you begin to pull away.

“oh, fuck, s’too much!” your voice slurs, her tongue chasing you as you pull back.

but that wasn’t true. you wanted this, you wanted more then this, you wanted to be treated so well that you forgot your own name.

she takes a second, pulls her head away, and you sigh in relief. “you asked for this.” she says, before running her tongue along your folds, your hips jerking at the sudden stimulation.

she placed a kiss against you, before pulling back, running a hand over her hair, inhaling a deep breath.

yet, her hands don’t pull away. she smiles a toothy smile as her fingers begun rubbing small, long circles over your most sensitive spot, leaning toward you.

“mmf, vi.” you cry, eyes opening to peer up at her. you don’t realize the tear running down your temple before she wipes it away.

“so beautiful.” vi gasped, fingers dipping inside you only to move back up. you cry out, legs shutting against her hand, preventing her from moving her hands any further.

but, her eyes darken, and her other hand rips your leg to the side, pinning it to the side of the bed.

“don’t do that.” she nearly damn growled, “do that again, and you’re only getting it worse.”

she leans toward you, eyes glancing all over your body, at the plush of your stomach, so soft, and twitching, pushing up from the bed, leaning into her touch despite your protests.

“ohmygod!” you whine. “fuck, oh my god!”

everything around you was so hazy. so foggy, so unreal. her hands were unreal, so laced with skill it almost drove you insane.

“said you can take it.” vi’s slurred voice only brings you more into the spiral of your own pleasure. her lips find your neck, placing sloppy, open mouthed kisses on your skin. her teeth nip at your neck, grazing against your skin, and it’s such a sweet gesture if you weren’t so out of it.

the feeling makes your skin set ablaze, prickles all over your body.

“you can take another. can’t you? hm?” she hums against you as her slender fingers dip back into you, curling, pressing against that spot she now knew drove you absolutely crazy.

and you whimper and whine, but you don’t protest. you wanted this. that’s all you’ve wanted for years. someone who can keep up with your stamina, your needs.

and vi not only meets that, but surpasses it. you swore she was between your legs for three hours and didn’t move once to breathe.

she was so enveloped in you. and that’s what you need.

her fingers rile you up, ignoring the absolute ache of your core, your whole entire body. you relished in the fact that you’d probably be here all night, but that’s what you wanted.

and as you feel your stomach untwist, that knot release, your vision goes fucking white from the searing, hot pleasure through your whole body.

“ohm—“ you cry, chest heaving as her fingers work you through your orgasm, slowly, yet continuing to abuse your bruised spot that she’d been hitting all night. “fuck, fuck! fuck me, oh my god!” you cry, gasping for air.

your arms throw around her, pulling her against you, entire body curling into her, legs clamping around her hand. your body shook, your nerves feeling like they were alive, and they would never die.

and finally, she stops.

you gasp a satisfied breath of air, mouth falling open, eyes squeezing shut before she finally lets her hand slip away from you.

her hands glide up your body, stopping at your hips before she hauls you over her own body. her hand rests on your back, her own breath heavy as she tries to regain herself.

“you’re amazing.” she whispers against your hair. you freeze, taken aback by the sudden intimacy, but you let yourself melt into her, both not having the will or the strength to pull away from her.

“you’re fucking amazing.”

and slowly, you laugh. you glance toward her.

“are you.. are you done?” you say quietly, timidly.

she cocks a brow. “do you not want me to be?”

you shake your head. “no, no..” you inhale a deep breath, hand moving to take one of the strands in her hair in your palm. “for now, im done.” you snort as you shake your head, body still compelling from the previous orgasms. “but..”

“but?” she hums, hand moving to grab the plush of your ass, before running up your back. you gasp at the crude gesture.

but, you shake it off.

“you.. you haven’t let me touch you at all.” you say, shakingly pushing yourself up, resting your palms on her chest.

you let your hair spill over your face as you move closer, lips hovering just above hers.

“yeah. that’s not what i’m here for.”

vi gasps a breath of air. she brings herself closer, hands resting on your hips.

“that’s what you paid me for.” i cock a brow, before laughing and pressing kisses along her jaw, up to the corner of her mouth, testing the waters.

you smirk, you hand moving down to her jacket, slowly pulling it away.

“let me do my job. huh?”

“fine. but you’re not getting anything out of me. i give. i don’t receive.”

“you underestimate me.” you smile against her lips. “i’ve been in this business for years. i know how to pleasure a woman, vi.”

she pushes herself up, nose touching eachothers.

“we’ll see about that, cupcake.”

vi left the brothel feeling like a new person. all she could think was, what the fuck?

she clears her throat as she passes by babette, not daring to look at her as she struggles to stand on her shaking legs.

she discovered something about herself she never thought she would that night. and oh, she’d definitely be coming back if that meant you were there.

a/n. for @obivari :,)) more info on my taglist here

part 2 here.

[a-spes]

| PRETTY FACES, DARK SOULS - Chapter one (4,382 words).

| Summary - you rob the wrong person and she makes sure that you pay your debts, willingly or not.

| Tags & warnings - Minors DNI, Dark CEO!Natasha Romanoff x fem!Reader, just fluff for the moment, slight angst (if you squint), mentions of sex.

| MOODBOARD — ✧ — MASTERLIST — ✧ — TO SAY SOMETHING

| Part one. Part two. Part three.

Your eyes meet their reflection in the mirror, looking for the slightest detail that isn’t right but, if you were seeking for imperfections, you are unable to find any.

Everything was perfect, and even you were struggling to recognize your face, you would have probably fallen into your own trap and that thought satisfies you. It took you several hours locked up in that dingy room to achieve this result, but you have no regrets as you are eventually able to look at your disguise.

No one would have guessed that you were the one hiding behind that mask that changed every feature of your face.

No one knows you enough to be able to notice the smallest details in your attitude that were giving hints about your true identity. You were sure that no one would notice the way you are moving your head when being disturbed by something or your hand constantly running in the skin of your hands. There are a lot of small habits you tried to suppress, but it was in vain, every of your persona inevitably ended up having a part of you in them.

Despite the dust covering the mirror, you can admire every feature of who you are going to be tonight: Lydia Golvorezova. She looks like an angel and it’s not only because her hair is so blonde that it looks white or because of her porcelain skin and innocent eyes that makes her look like a doll, but mainly because she is stunning. There is something unreal in her beauty that gives the impression that she couldn’t possibly be human. 

This name was never yours, but it fits perfectly the person you could see in the mirror right now. It was perfect to embody the innocence and naivety you were reading in her eyes, it was perfect to give the feeling of power and fragility at the same time. 

The way you have done your makeup only adds to the effect. In appearance, it is something really simple, but the truth is that it took you hours to get that result as you wanted to look as perfect and young as possible. 

It is not that you are old, only being an adult for a few years now, but you figured out that the younger you look, the easier things are. Most of the people you are going to meet tonight have a preference for girls that haven't been broken by life yet, for the ones that haven't harsh features accompanied by a cold gaze: they like what is easy to manipulate.

They are desperate to feel powerful and it’s becoming pitiful, even ridiculous. 

When you entered the toilets of the gas station, hours ago, nobody paid attention to you because you were blending in perfectly with your surroundings. It is that you are not as interesting as Lydia Golvorezova, nor as rich. No one ever notices the young girl with stained clothes, they even avoid her gaze at all cost, scared she would ask for money — if only they knew that she is the same person than the one they can’t take their eyes off now.

If you’ve arrived discreetly, you can’t say the same thing when you leave the room. You could feel the gaze of the few customers that were here on your back, but the worst is probably the cashier’s one. You have to clear your throat as a reminder that you are waiting so that her gaze would stop wandering for a little too long where it shouldn’t be, even for a brief moment. 

While she is scanning your articles with obvious embarrassment, you can’t help but smile. You love the way she avoids your gaze, the way her cheeks are flushed and how her voice is only a whisper when she tells you how much you owe. The poor thing probably fears that you would snap at her for such an offense, but honestly you were just enjoying the situation.

You love it when they fall that easily in the trap you set for them. 

Tonight, to match your makeup, you decided to wear a black dress that you bought just for the event. Your back is bare and it reveals enough of your chest to catch the attention without being vulgar: it’s right at the frontier between what’s elegant and what’s indecent, and that’s why it’s the perfect choice.

You wish you could keep it, but even the money you’re stealing isn’t enough for you to afford such things: you need it to buy things that are essential to your life, and no matter how pretty you're in that dress, you could survive without it.  

Again, the story between the luxurious dress you choose and you is going to be nothing more than a one night thing. It will be returned tomorrow, as soon as the store opens — you didn’t even take the price tag off. But you’re hopeful that, one day, you will be able to purchase that kind of clothes for real, that you will be one of those people that shop without looking at the prices before they pay.

It always takes you so much time to prepare yourself because everything needs to be perfect. When your life is at stake, paying attention to every detail is the key, you can’t take the risk to be recognized, no one should be able to see behind the mask you decide to wear. 

So, when you get the confirmation that you’ve made the right choices, it is always a deep relief. You tried to gather as much information as you can on tonight's event and the people that are supposed to come, but in the end there is always a lot left to chance. You can spend as much time as you want preparing yourself for what’s coming, it’s impossible to predict everything.

You are not from the same world as them, you’re just pretending to be, and it doesn’t matter how many times you did it with success, you'll always be an outsider. There are so many rules that you don’t know that something as insignificant as a word or a look could be enough to give your identity away.

Hopefully, for the moment everything seems to go fine, the dress you choose was perfect for this evening, at the frontier between elegant and indecent, and no one seems to notice the intruder.  

A driver left you in front of the expensive hotel that hosts the event, and you barely had time to unbuckle your belt that a butler was already opening the door for you, helping you to get out of the car. You have to fight the urge to refuse the hand he is holding out to you, and take it with a smile on your face instead. You constantly need to remind yourself about where your place is tonight: at the top of the pyramid, among the ones that do nothing by themselves.

For someone like you, someone that has been on their own for most of their life, it’s weird to be assisted to this extent, and you hate it as much as the first time. This man complies to every of your demands because he fears you, and not because he wants to, let alone because he's paid for it — his salary probably not being enough for the evening he’s going to have. 

If only he knew your reality is closer to his than it’s from theirs, you thought as he walked you toward the entrance, but you can't share it with him. You have to play along, to pretend that you’re Lydia Golvorezova perfectly if you don’t want to ruin your plans, even if it includes being rude with a man for whom you have compassion.

Tonight, the butler didn’t get anything from you except a ridiculous penny that you gave him as if he should be grateful for it, as if this action was a symbol of infinite kindness — which he is going to do, thanking you a lot of time for that. The whole time, not a word has been exchanged, you would rather keep your voice for the ones that are worth the effort.

Just like the man that caught your eyes the moment you entered the luxurious hall, Clint Barton. You read an article about him a few days ago, he works as a bodyguard for heads of major companies, despite what one might think, his position makes him an influential and wealthy man, everything you are looking for tonight, so you didn’t hesitate much before making your way toward him. 

“Excuse me?” you asked, clearing your throat to get his attention, and you felt the glance of every man he was previously talking with on you, the sudden attention made you feel uncomfortable. “May I?” you added, accompanying your words by a small gesture of the hand toward the glasses of champagne he was standing in front of, feigning being so interested by those. 

“Oh, yeah, sure,” he said, immediately stepping aside so you could access the table. “I am sorry for that, miss .. ?” he added and you can’t help but grin at his attempt to learn your name - it was almost too easy.

You barely exchanged a few words, nothing out of the ordinary, but he was already crushing himself to fulfill your desires, already eager for more, and the way he is gazing at you leaves no doubts on the thoughts in his mind, something too indecent for a place like that one.

“Golvorezova, and you?” you replied, the false name slipping easily out of your mouth as you slip nimbly between him and the men he was previously talking to.

It is hard to not smile, to pretend that you didn't notice the way they are glancing at you, with anger and frustration, because you’ve just ruined their only chance to talk to him, too bad that you don’t care. Tonight, Barton is yours.

You don’t care more about the glasses of champagne than you do about these guys, it was just a way to get what you want. You’ve been fond of alcohol, you’ve seen how it changes people’s minds, taking control of their thoughts and bodies, and you would rather continue to use it to your advantage than becoming a victim of it. Even a sip of alcohol could be dangerous, and you would be stupid to drink while working, so you’re just pretending to enjoy the champagne.

“Barton,” he replied briefly, holding his hand out to you for you to shake - which you did with a faint smile on your lips.

“So, do you already know what you're going to bid on?” you asked, trying to pursue the conversation.

You both glance around for a few seconds, not a word is exchanged, just a shrug that underlines his boredom. Despite this party being marked as a charity event, most of the guests are here for other reasons: make an appearance, meet future associates, talk about business, show the world how rich and powerful they are, … there are many reasons for their presence, but none of them is disinterested. His answer is proof that he doesn't care about what’s for sale, maybe he doesn’t even know for whom the benefits are. He will drop an outrageous amount of money, just to pretend he did something good to help those people when he is the cause of their pain, people like you getting their lives destroyed by people like him. 

Tonight isn’t about charity, it's about power and influence. That’s why you’re always tense when attending those events, the stakes are bigger than they are for a private party, and so are the risks. Tonight, the whole world has its eyes on what���s happening in that hotel. If you make a mistake, everyone will know, because no one escapes the spotlight tonight, and you're no exception to the rule. 

“But, I think I’ve just found the most precious prize,” he said as his gaze came back to you, his smirk letting no doubt about the true meaning behind his words. Maybe if he was a bit more observant he would've noticed how your grip tightens on your glass.

You can’t help but smile, a sign he is going to misinterpret for sure, because behind it, it’s your disgust that’s hidden. He is probably something like twice your age, at least, and doesn’t seem to be interested in anything other than your body.

But the money is worth every sacrifice. 

You are about to give him the reply he probably waits to hear, but you are cut before you can even say one word. It is a feminine voice whose tone makes your blood run cold, and even though her words aren’t addressed to you, you feel like you’re the one that did something wrong.

“Does Laura know about your plans?” she asked, and from the way he glanced at her, you guess that she doesn’t.

You felt the woman’s hand on your shoulder before you could see her face. It is only when he left that she took his place, allowing you to meet her gaze. She is stunning, and contrary on you, she wasn’t just playing to be pretty, she truly was. 

“Men…,” she sighed as she looked at him walking away, but the truth is that he doesn’t really leave, you can still feel his gaze on you, even from the other side of the room. “I hope he didn't bother you? He can be a bit… inconsiderate sometimes, especially with the pretty girls,” she added, and you realize she is looking you up and down, her glance wandering a bit longer at the same places than the man’s one earlier. 

She is not better than him, you thought, maybe a few years younger than he is, but that’s all, they’re from the same world, you have to remind yourself when you realize you too were observing her for a bit too long.

On the outside, you’re still smiling, letting nothing appear on what’s disturbing your mind, but somehow having the feeling that she knows, and you only shake your head, letting her know that everything is fine.

“I don't think I’ve ever seen you …,” she added once she understood you wouldn't say anything, not letting you a chance to find an excuse to slip through her fingers.

Despite appearances, and how friendly the conversation seems to be, the atmosphere is tense between the two of you, it’s like a game has started ; which one is gonna find the other’s secret first? And she never loses a game. 

If she interrupted your conversation with Barton, it wasn’t to help you, but him. She doesn't care about his wife, Clint can cheat on her if he wants, it's none of her business as long as his problem doesn’t impact his work, and you look exactly like that kind of problem.

If there is something she cares about, it’s the raptors that get a little too close to her associates, especially the ones that would easily give off information about her business, and Clint may be good at his job, but he doesn’t know when to keep his mouth shut. 

She doesn't trust you, and one glance was enough for her to get to that statement. If it wasn’t for Clint, she wouldn’t even have talked to you, but she knows how naive he can be sometimes - and maybe this conversation will help her to point out the thing that bothers her about you, something she hasn’t figured out yet.

“It’s probably because it’s my first in the United States,” you replied, your voice dripping with false sympathy.

You don’t like the woman either, but at least you are hiding your thoughts, something she doesn’t even try to do. You are smiling at her, the expression on your face being so innocent that she questions her instincts, you don’t even seem to catch the threats behind her actions or the true meaning of her words — how someone that oblivious ended up attending such an event? Something she wouldn’t have thought if she was able to see the rage hidden behind your smile, the frustration, the hatred that is slowly growing, because every second spent with her reduces your chances of success.

She sent Barton away, but most importantly, she doesn’t seem to believe everything you say as he would have, and the way she hummed after your last answer gave you a feeling of danger, something is telling you to give up the mission, but you don’t. 

“I don’t think I know you either,” you replied, the words slipping from your mouth almost on their own. The conversation probably could have ended up here, if only you hadn't been so curious, if you didn’t genuinely want to learn more about the woman.

“Romanoff,” she eventually said, she seems about to add something else but hesitate for a few seconds before talking, deciding to keep the rough comment she was about to make for herself, “but you can call me Natasha, if you want,” she added, her tone softening to the surprise of you both. 

The last words fell from her lips on their own, and they felt like the right thing to say. Maybe it is the way you’re looking at her, with those innocent eyes and smile, that led her to let her guard down so easily. She is trying to find an explanation, but the only satisfying one that comes to her mind is that you are an angel, sent to charm her with that pretty face. 

An angel, that’s the word, the only one that’s strong enough to describe what she is seeing right now. From the way the dress follows your curves to the soft features of your face, everything is perfect in her eyes, and even if she tried to, she can’t find a single defect, any more than she is able to keep her suspicions.

She even feels guilty for the way she talked to you previously, her words had been so harsh when you seem to genuinely just want to talk with Barton, not even knowing her name, something unbelievable for someone from her world, someone used to always be a target for everyone, never a friend to anyone. 

But you are not from the same world as her, or Barton, she can tell just by looking into your eyes, and that’s the whole problem, because she has no idea how to evolve around someone of your kind, someone that doesn’t even know her name. Her reality is rough, a place where pity and kindness doesn’t exist, where everything is just about who’s the most powerful, it is a world without limits, without morals, and you are the complete opposite. 

You are looking like you are made of glass, and when she looks into your eyes, the only thing she sees is the innocence one can only find in the gaze of children. She can tell that you haven’t been broken by life yet, which is a miracle on this planet, and a part of her wants to protect you. She knows it is a selfish wish, because she wants to lock you in a golden cage, somewhere you would be safe and get everything you need, except your freedom. She would hate to see an angel being corrupted, not when they are so rare.  

“You can call me Lydia then,” you replied, surprised but satisfied by the turn the events took, maybe you still have a chance to complete the mission. You have no idea what changed her mind, and you don’t question it, but you notice that you somehow now have the woman wrapped around your little finger, and you barely did a thing.

“Lydia,” she repeated after you, as if she needed to say it to believe it, to be sure that you existed, and that you are not some sort of dream, “let me show you around then,” she added, coming back to reality, “the city has a lot of secrets, and I am sure you would appreciate at least some of them.”

Even if it sounds like a question, it is not. She is almost begging you to follow her, as if you would be the one doing a favor to her, when in reality it is the opposite. When you nod, a genuine smile appears on her face, she seems relieved, as if she feared that you could say no. You barely have time to say a word that her hand was already on your lower back, applying a light pressure to guide you outside.

Despite what you said earlier, you know exactly who Natasha Romanoff is, it would have been impossible to ignore her identity when her face is everywhere on the news and streets. However, apart from her name, you don’t know a lot about the woman. She is quite mysterious, always refusing interviews, never answering personal questions, and nothing can be found online, she is a ghost. 

All you know are the rumors that depict her as someone that gets everything she wants, and it’s no coincidence that she is now at the head of one of the richest companies on earth. She built her fortune from scratch, and some people say that if she was able to earn that much money so quickly, it’s because part of her business is illegal. However, there is no proof of that, and it’s probably just an idea her opponents are fueling in the hope that it will tarnish her reputation, and impact her business at the same time.

Perhaps you would have acted more prudently if you had those rumors in mind when talking to the woman, but those were forgotten the moment her hand found its way on your back, the way her thumb is brushing circles on your skin being so soft that you let your guard down. For once, maybe you’re going to enjoy the evening, and maybe you will come home feeling something that isn’t self-disgust.

Maybe she is a mean CEO, that would explain the rumors, but maybe life left her no choice, maybe she is a bit like you, a woman that tries her best to survive in this world. When you observe her face under the moonlight, it’s all you can think about.

✧ • ✧ • ✧ • ✧ • ✧

It is later that day, in the secret of her hotel room, that everything happened. Just as usual, you convinced your victim to make the night last a bit longer, and she brought you to that luxurious room where she is staying. It has been only the two of you, and you actually enjoyed the feeling of her hands on your skin. The praises she whispered in your ears when you were begging her, desperate for the release she denied you, is all you can think about as you are leaving the building the next morning.

The thought of the dirty things she did and told to you are enough to make you blush again, and you are surprised to realize that you’re already missing her presence. You chase those thoughts away, far from your mind, by telling yourself that it was just a play, something that needed to be done, and she will probably be quick to forget about your existence.

She probably used you as much as you did anyway, you noticed the way she looked at you as if you were a porcelain doll, something to possess, something to break. It was a one night thing for the both of you, and it’s probably better that way.

However, this morning, when you woke up, you were reluctant. You wanted to stay in bed, in the warmth of the bed forever, you almost left without stealing anything, feeling guilty to do that to the woman — it was easier when you were hating your victim. You would’ve probably left without taking anything if you didn’t need the money so badly, and you’re sure she won’t miss a few dollars.

By the time she notices you are gone, you are already far away. She was getting out of the bathroom, asking you what you would like for breakfast, and the silence that met her question made her realize that the room was empty, you left. 

She was standing in the middle of the room, wrapped in a towel, and her eyes were scanning the room with desperation. The only proof that last night was real are the memories of you beneath her, and a piece of paper on the bedside table. She immediately reached for it, but the paper didn’t say much, and the few words you wrote left a feeling of disappointment in her chest: “Sorry, I have to go, but thanks, the night was cool.” 

She doesn’t know what she was hoping for, but for sure she was hoping for more than that, maybe your number, or a promise to come back. It made her feel so silly, and she crumpled the paper before throwing it away, erasing the only evidence of your visit in her room.

Natasha would have liked to share one last moment with you, she thought about getting breakfast at that fancy restaurant across the street. She is thinking about how you would have enjoyed watching the sun rise over the city, as she is sitting here alone. She wished she had a chance to say goodbye to you, because maybe then she would’ve been able to get your number, or anything that would have allowed you to stay in touch, or maybe you didn’t want to. Perhaps you learned about the rumors, and that’s why you left so quickly this morning.

She has been here for maybe one hour when a waitress brings her the note. She was lost in her thoughts the whole time, and barely ate the expensive breakfast she ordered, but she couldn’t care less, money is not a problem when you are one of the richests people on that planet. But to her surprise, when she looks into her wallet, she finds it empty — you only left a few coins.

| MOODBOARD — ✧ — MASTERLIST — ✧ — TO SAY SOMETHING

| Part one. Part two. Part three.

| Tag list : no one atm, but if you're interested, let me know!

[byizoyas]

nsfw ; gepard x afab!reader. no tags necessary (cunnilingus) it’s just rlly soft and tender.

you’ve invited gepard to spend the night to your place. you’ve been kinda obvious about your crush on him lately but it seemed he wasn’t comfortable with the subject because he was always looking away and fleeing away for some reason.

you thought he didn’t like you at first and was just too shy to say it, but now that he was in your bed, hardly focusing on television you realized the feelings were not unrequited.

he seemed tensed, as if trying to escape his own thoughts. you straightened up in the bed to grab the bottle of water that was resting on your desk not far when you felt a touch down your back.

‘gepard what are y-‘ you started to say as you turned around to face him.

‘so- sorry.’ he rubbed his face ‘i must’ve misinterpreted things. my apologies y/n.’

his cheeks were flushing red from embarrassment. he usually seemed pretty confident, but he had a hard time talking about his feelings so when his attempt at getting closer to you failed; he felt that it was a mistake.

and if he was being honest with himself he actually thought it was a mistake at the second his fingers touched your skin.

‘what did you interpret ?’ you asked.

the poor boy kept on stuttering. you kinda enjoyed that confusion; because he looked really cute avoiding your gaze and making up excuses.

‘do you want me gepard ? because.. i want you.’

you never knew you could be this bold, but the moment you two were sharing was perfect and it felt natural.

‘y/n..’ he whispered as you got closer, ready to kiss him. he closed his eyes, passing his fingers through your hair and you felt his lips touching yours.

the kiss was soft. shy even, as if both of you never did anything, but he was eager to have more of you, slipping his tongue in your mouth to share a much more intimate kiss. his tongue caressing yours felt like heaven; his body clinging to yours as he pulled you in his lap too.

you craved this for so long; you really didn’t want to be anywhere but here; in his arms, kissing his lips.

only after a few minutes of making out, did he finally take some distance, taking his shirt off; revealing his muscular chest. as one of belobog’s guards you expected him to be muscular; but being able to see it and caress it felt unreal.

you put yourself in a much more comfortable position to drop kisses on his half naked body and he rolled his eyes; simply enjoying the feeling of your mouth exploring his body; something he’s been imagining for a while.

yet he stopped you. ‘lay down y/n. i’m going to take care of you.’ his voice was gentle and he kissed you once more.

he buried his face in your neck, unzipping your pants and pulling it down to reveal a black laced panties that turned him on even more.

‘you’re divine.’ he murmured against your skin, his lips slowly making their way down your chest toward your thighs.

‘mine.’ he stated several times. gepard was almost commanding you to be his, because he needed you to be. he needed to have you for himself. that dominant side of him mixed to the softness of his touch and voice was slowly driving you insane, and making you wet.

he was so hot, and you loved it.

gepard brought his two hands to the only piece of clothing covering your intimacy to take it off, and you moved your hips to help him. now you were fully naked, fully his and ready for him to do whatever pleased himself

but he didn’t want to please himself. he only wanted to please you. he wanted to hear what your moans sounded like. and when you did finally moan his name, he wasn’t able to contain himself anymore.

he gripped your thighs, throwing them above his shoulders, focusing on your pretty pussy.

suddenly his eyes looked back at you. one of his hand ws maintaining your leg, depriving you to go before he was done; and the other was gently caressing your hand, interlocking your fingers as he sticked his tongue out, starting to lick your clit up and down.

he was switching from kissing your thighs to eating you out. and he was good at it; a little too much because after a few seconds, you felt it coming into your whole body.

‘g- gonna cum.’ you said, gripping his hair with your free hand as if begging him to never stop pleasuring you.

‘gepard ngh~ it feels so good.’ you managed to say just before reaching orgasm.

you moaned his name again and when you looked back at him, you could see his lips curling into a satisfied smile.

‘i love you y/n. i want to make love to you.’ he said, planting soft kisses on various places on your body.

‘please do.’ you said and to that he simply stared inside your eyes with a tender expression. ‘anytime you want.’

a/n. sooo idk if y’all are gonna read for hsr & it’s rlly short and just like that as a ‘test’ cause if you like hsr fics i might write some more but this one is for a friend and also bc im obsessed w gepard lately… anyway it seems im slowly getting free from the writers block so tomorrow, hopefully, i shall post childe’s fic that i started to write today

[candlewaxandp0lar0ids]

jealousy, jealousy || I.N. x Reader

Summary: Watching the guy you have a huge crush on be a pretend couple with one of the prettiest girls you know for a photoshoot isn't the perfect way of spending your morning, that's for sure.

Who knows though, things might start looking up sooner than you'd expect.

Word count: 3.9k

Genres: college AU, fluff with a little angst, idiots to lovers (but only one of them is an idiot and it's not IN)

Warnings & Tags: reader has anxiety, reader is insecure, someone is verbally unpleasant towards the reader, kissing, Tzuyu from Twice is in this

series masterlist

A/N: So this is part one of my lil project for Stray Kids' anniversary! I've got three one-shots written so far, so I'm confident I'll be able to post the maknae line in the next few days, and then take a couple of days to finish the hyung line or post them as I write them, I'll see. I hope you'll like it!

For this one-shot, please do suspend your disbelief for the way the school work is described in this lol, think of it as an artistic rendition or as something out of one of those shojos that go wayyyy overboard.

The shoot is supposed to start at 10, which means you’re there at 8, and the second you walk through the door you’re already plagued with thoughts that you should have shown up half an hour ago. Even as you’re the only one from your team there, you feel the familiar lump forming in your throat. Your mind goes over everything that needs to be done, everything that can go wrong, everything that is likely to go wrong, and everything you’ll end up taking the blame for.

You force yourself to take a deep breath. You focus on the end of the shoot — supposed to be at noon, but likely to actually be at 2, and it should be around 3 by the time you finish cleaning up —, on how you’ll be able to get back to the quiet of your home afterwards, and on how the atmosphere here isn’t too bad, this early in the morning. You’re not the only one here, you’ve already met the tired eyes of a few of the other students who you suspect didn’t go home last night, but there is something light in the air. You saw the sun rising on the way over and the light is still gently pouring in through the windows.

What a shame this won’t last.

When the others start rolling in, you’ve set up your little corner, just the way you like it. Your lights, your mirrors, your brushes and products, right where they should be so that they’ll fall right under your fingers when you need them. It helps you breathe a little better, but the lump doesn’t go away. It’s alright; you’re used to it by now.

Nari’s the first one to walk in, which isn’t surprising considering she’s the one directing the shoot, and it’s her clothes that the ‘models’ are going to be wearing. That is to say, the students she’s recruited to model for her, just like she recruited you into doing the make-up for her. The two of you aren’t close, not even friends, but you’re good at your job and a bit of a pushover, which makes you the ideal target for that kind of things.

She waves at you with a tense smile, but you know it’s not meant for you, she’s just stressed out. She always is. Unlike you, though, she has a tendency of taking it out on others, and that explains at least half of the tension in your shoulders today.

You need to learn how to say no to people.

Tzuyu, from the dance program, enters next, looking unreal as always. You’ve worked with her a few times before, too. She’s a sweetheart and you know she’ll make your job easier.

The same can’t be said about the next person to make his way through the door, whose apparition you’ve been waiting for since you got here, embarrassingly glancing at the door every few minutes.

Yang Jeongin walks in like he owns the place.

To be fair, he kind of does. Also enrolled in the fashion course, he’s pretty much the go-to when it comes to getting male models. Hwang Hyunjin, from the dance programme, is the second one, mostly because he’s harder to get a hold of — and because, you’ve heard, his girlfriend is pretty scary.

Your breath hitches in your throat as he walks over to your spot. His coat is thrown casually over his shoulder, his walk confident, and stylish glasses that you know he doesn't need rest on the tip of his nose. He died his hair back to black recently, but you can see it’s still damaged from the light pink that was his previous color.

“We meet again,” Tzuyu chimes from her seat, grinning from ear to ear, and Jeongin smiles in response, his expression changing entirely the second he does.

“It’s great to see you, Jeongin,” Nari purrs as she approaches, before she sets her eyes on you. “Are you done with Tzuyu? We really need to get started here.”

You know you shouldn’t let her speak to you like that, you have no reason to, but all you can think about in the moment is to pacify her to ensure that she’ll leave you alone.

“I still need a few minutes with her,” you say, and Nari huffs in annoyance, before her attention is captured by a guy setting up the lights and she power walks over to him.

“Do you want me to tell her something?”

You shoot a surprised look at Jeongin, who’s staring at you with a frown on your face, and you immediately look away. You hope it looks like you’re just focusing back on Tzuyu, and not like your heart jumped up to your throat when you met his eyes.

“It’s fine,” you say, “I know how she gets on shoots. “Just sit down and I’ll be with you in a second.”

He nods slowly, eyes still on you as you busy yourself around Tzuyu, but the tension remains in his jaw, which you don’t miss. It gives you a pang in the chest — shit, you don’t like when people are displeased with you.

It also makes his jaw look really good.

Tzuyu leaves to go appease Nari as soon as you’re done with her, and you’re relieved when she’s dragged away to go put on her clothes.

That doesn’t last, though, because next thing you know you’re a few inches away from Jeongin’s perfect face, and he’s staring straight at you.

You swallow. Then you grab one of your brushes, and you get to work.

“No late night snacks this time?” you ask, half-teasing because the last time you’d worked with him, his face had been somewhat puffy from it.

A smile breaks on his face, and immediately there are flowers blooming in your chest. He can look so serious and unapproachable one second, but as soon as his lips curl and his eyes crease, he’s a whole other person.

“I didn’t want to make your work harder,” he replies. You feel yourself freezing, and then you turn away to grab another product, praying that you didn’t just stare dumbly at him for too long.

“You got started on your take on the modernized hanbok already?”

He hums in reply.

“I have one sketch. You?”

“I’m counting on the rush of adrenaline I’ll get the week before to finish it,” you admit.

You’re too focused to see the curiosity in his eyes when you say that. You do, however, notice him tilting his head, and you immediately correct him, fingers sliding along his jaw to pull him back in his correct place. As you do, you feel him swallowing, and you’re quick to remove your hand.

If you’d been looking, you’d have noticed his ears turning red.

“You were the first one here, though,” he says after a few seconds of silence.

“Oh, yeah, that’s because I don’t want to let people down. I’m the only one who’ll get in trouble if I procrastinate too long.”

And even then, you won’t, you’ll just spend a horrible week telling yourself you’ll never do that again.

You inevitably will.

God, you’re so tired of living with yourself, sometimes.

“You should tell me if you need a last second model,” Jeongin mumbles. He’s careful not to move his lips, but you’ve perfected the art to understand that language over the years. The comment makes you laugh.

“You're always completely booked for shoots on the last week,” you grin. You yourself still give a few hours of your time here and there, though you don’t stick around very long. You know that Nari plans her shoots ahead partly for that reason. It’s kind of flattering, if you think about it.

Someone with her drive and her talent gets to have a shitty personality, you suppose.

“I’ll get Hyunjin to replace me.”

There goes your heart again. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that the only time you spend with him goes like that, because you’re too cowardly to approach him during class, and it’s not fair that invariably—

“Are you done soon?” Nari shouts from behind the screen she’s put up to make a corner into a changing room.

“Just a few minutes more!” you reply before focusing back on Jeongin. “I’ll think about it,” you tell him, though you know yourself well enough to be able to tell that you’re extremely unlikely to go through with it. Just the drafting of the text would take you hours, and actually sending it? The idea is laughable.

You really wish you were normal with that stuff.

“Don’t move, I’m almost done,” you say, and he goes still, and your heart’s hammering in your chest, but at least he’s no longer saying things you’re at risk of misconstruing.

As he closes his eyes to let you put on the finishing touches, though, you know you’re in for a long day.

“Jeongin, can you put your hand a little lower? Tzuyu, smile with your eyes please? Now tilt your head more to the right? More? Jeongin, look at the camera but like, from the side, from— Okay, two seconds for touch ups, and then we’ll need to get things done a little faster everyone, alright?”

Nari’s forcing herself to smile so much that you think she might cramp. You rush past her to get to Tzuyu and Jeongin, carefully touching up their make up where you need and adjusting a little for the light. You also pat Jeongin’s forehead to catch beads of sweat that formed under the artificial light, and he gives you a grateful nod as you do your best not to think about things you shouldn’t be thinking about.

“We’ll be done soon,” Tzuyu says cheerfully, but even she seems to be forcing her smile at this point. You don’t blame her for it. You do, however, think she’s not being very realistic about how much work they have left.

It’s 11.30 and they’re nowhere near done. The start of the shoot ran late because of Nari’s adjustments to the clothing. After that, there was a heated conversation between her and the photograph over the subject of filters, leading to the guy throwing his hands in the air and quitting on the spot, meaning she’s the only one there. You can tell she’s fuming, and though you have sympathy for that, you’re also pretty terrified of becoming the subject of her ire.

“You’re not messing him up, right?” she asks, glaring at you, and you jump away from Jeongin.

“Sorry,” you say automatically, even though you haven’t done anything wrong. “I’m all done.”

She looks at him critically, trying to find flaws in your work.

“He has a spot on the chin,” she says finally, “seriously, if you don’t get your shit together we’ll never—”

“You don’t speak to her like that,” Jeongin interrupts her, and his voice sounds sharp and cutting.

The air freezes in the room. You risk a glance in his direction. He’s staring straight at Nari, lips curved ever so slightly downwards in distaste.

He also does have a little spot on the chin.

Shit.

Nari’s staring at him, too. She’s paled, and her lower lip is shaking.

��Sorry,” she finally says, voice trembling. “Sorry, I’m j-just— We don’t have that long and— Sorry.”

She looks small and vulnerable, and your heart melts on the spot. You can’t help it.

“It’s okay,” you say, “just give me a second to fix it.”

Jeongin exhales slowly next to you, but you suspect it’s in annoyance, not in relief. Still, he leans towards you to give you better access to his face.

“You don’t have to placate her,” he mumbles, lips barely moving.

“I know,” you reply. “It’s just easier that way.”

He frowns, but doesn’t add anything. For a second, you almost tell him that you wish you could stand up for yourself, that the truth is your ‘freeze’ response strikes you every single time and you can’t figure out what to say, that if you could, you’d—

“All good?” Nari asks.

You give her a nod and, this time, she doesn’t say anything about Jeongin — or about Tzuyu, for that matter. So you walk back to your spot, and you watch as the shoot continues.

You don’t really like watching these. That’s generally true. You have friends who do, who think that ‘this is where the magic happens’, but you know all the magician’s tricks, and that leaves no actual magic for you. Still, you’re needed here. You suppose you could have quit on the spot after Nari’s outburst, but it’s— you can’t actually do that. So you’ll stick it out until the end, even if you’re not enjoying yourself.

And that is particularly true as Nari directs Jeongin to pull Tzuyu closer to him. As he does, neither of them questioning it because they’re used to it by now, you find yourself sucking in a discreet breath between your teeth. Jeongin’s hand seems large over Tzuyu’s shoulder, long, pale fingers gently brushing against the skin and for a second, you think about the electric feeling that would run through you if he ever—

Just thinking about it makes heat shoot through your entire body, and you swallow. At least no one’s looking at you.

Another direction from Nari, and Tzuyu puts her hand over Jeongin’s chest, shooting a bold grin at the camera.

You bite the inside of your cheek.

Direction. They step away from each other, but Jeongin reaches out for her, and she delicately places her fingers into his open end, both of them longingly staring at their hands.

Your fingers dig into your arms.

Direction. Keeping Tzuyu’s hand in his, Jeongin brings it to his lips and they gaze into each other’s eyes. They look perfect together. They’re both stunning, and you know there’ve been whispers about them on campus already, in no small part because they’re often reunited for these shoots.

But God does it burn in your chest to look at them right now.

“We’re done!” Nari shouts at 1.50 pm. Behind her, the group that’s supposed to get the room at 2 is huffing and puffing, but you don’t think a fucking panzer could have gotten her to clear the space until she was happy with her work.

You should be relieved. You’re not. You won’t be until you’ve locked the door to your room behind you.

“Wanna get a drink to celebrate?” Tzuyu asks Jeongin. Her smile’s back to its usual brightness, now that the tension’s mostly gone.

You start picking up your stuff, but, embarrassingly, you’re very much focused on hearing his answer to that. You wish you wouldn’t be doing that, because that’s not any of your business, yet you can’t seem to help yourself right now.

You probably would have caught it if Nari didn’t stop by your side just then.

“Hey,” she says, “I am really sorry about earlier. I shouldn’t have said that.”

The thing is, you’re pretty sure she meant it then, but now there’s a lightness to her voice that you find… annoying. It seems to you that she’s already moved on and expects you to do the same. Normally you would, but after having spent the last two hours watching the guy you have this stupid, hopeless crush on all over one of the prettiest girls you’ve ever seen, something in you just— snaps.

“I think you’ll have to find someone else next time,” you tell her with a polite smile. Her face falls, and you immediately feel guilty. You shouldn’t. Probably. Should you? Are you being mean? Are you doing something wrong? Does that make you a bad person?

“I— Okay,” she says, and this time her voice’s much softer. She looks down at her feet. “I get it. I know I’m not easy to— Yeah. I’m sorry.”

You thought standing up to her would feel good, that you’d feel Schadenfreude over this moment. This is the furthest thing from that. Actually, you only manage to bite back your own ‘I’m sorry’ at the last second.

“I just— this environment stresses me out,” you still say, speaking too fast. “It’s not really good or fun for me and—”

“Sure. Don’t worry about it.” A deep breath, and then Nari nods at you politely. “Well, I’ll get to cleaning up my stuff.”

And just as you’re replying “Same,” she’s spun around on her heels and started putting the clothes away.

You don’t know where that leaves the two of you, but that reaction makes the moment just a little easier on you.

You wonder, vaguely, if she did that on purpose. You don't linger on the thought though, and you go back to your own program, walking towards your little make-up station to start putting stuff away, getting everything back to its place in your bags. It’s something you slow at, just like you’re slow at setting them up, but it also helps you getting back to your normal self. With every object coming back to where they belong, you can breathe a little easier.

You still notice almost immediately the presence behind you, and you’re not particularly surprised to find Jeongin there. You give him a smile, and gesture at the chair.

“If you give me a second, I can get some of that off your face,” you say as you gesture to him. Camera make-up would look quite strange outside, and he’s been to enough of these things to know that at least as well as you do.

“I heard you told Nari off.”

“Oh. Yeah. I guess you, uh, were right.”

That’s not all that happened there, but that will have to do.

When you glance at him, though, he doesn’t look happy about it, a frown barring his expression, and your fragile confidence immediately falters.

“Do you think that was a bad idea…?”

His eyes widen and he's quick to shake his head.

“No, not at all, you did good!” You can’t help but smile at the words. He’s younger than you, but somehow keeps behaving like he’s not. “I just like working with you.” He gives you a sheepish smile, lips pressed together.

“Sit down,” you say like your heart didn't skip a beat, “the least I can do is not let you go out like that.”

So he does, and even though you still have stuff out that you should be taking care of, you lean close to him and get to work once more.

There’ll be other shoots, of course, Nari isn’t the only one who requires your services. In fact, you’re surprised that he’d have thought of that at all. You know that it didn’t cross your mind, probably because you think these moments mostly as fueling your delusions.

The idea that Jeongin could actually enjoy spending time with you hadn’t even occurred to you.

Huh. That might say a thing or two about your self-confidence.

“So, you’re going out with Tzuyu after this?” you ask before your thoughts start running wild.

His eyes open.

“We’re going to get drinks, yeah,” he says, a cautious edge to his voice. “You should come with us, actually.”

“Oh,” you laugh, “I don’t know if she’d be very happy if I did that. Wouldn’t want to third wheel, you know.”

You hope you do a good job of keeping any bitterness out of your voice. You certainly try your best to appear nonchalant, like you’re merely doing small talk while you’re removing his make-up, even if you avoid meeting his eyes, knowing that it would

That might be why it takes you by surprise when Jeongin’s fingers wrap around your wrist, interrupting you. When you look at him, you find him staring at you with a surprisingly serious expression.

“You wouldn’t third wheel,” he says, which you certainly don’t think warrants all of that.

“It’s fine,” you reply, attempting to joke about it even as the breath is knocked out of your lungs, because you will not be caught dead misreading the situation for something it’s not, “if anything getting a date with Tzuyu is—”

Then, several things happen at once. The hand around your wrist pulls you forward and you stumble, just as his other hand shoots up to cup your face.

And then he’s kissing you.

His mouth is warm, his lips soft, his fingers carding through your hair, and suddenly you’ve lost your balance and you’re half sitting in his lap and any attempt at forming a coherent thought is swallowed by what is happening.

A very, very distant part of your brain is thankful for Nari’s screen, which has been moved to the make-up station to make place for the group that comes after you, but that is only a fleeting thought, because still, Jeongin’s kissing you. His hands are gentle, holding you like you’re a porcelain doll, but his lips are fierce, and you feel, briefly, his teeth grazing against your lower lip. His right hand travels from your wrist to your waist, and you’re pulled even closer to him, and now you’re pressed against his chest and all you can think about is how you want more of this.

When he moves away from you, you’re panting, breath short, and you can only stare at him with wide eyes.

“You wouldn’t be the one third-wheeling,” he says.

“What,” you say in response, ever the eloquent one.

He sighs, runs a hand through his hair while the other one remains on your hips, not quite squeezing, but not letting go of you either.

“I— thought I’d made it pretty obvious I was interested in you,” he mumbles.

Oh. Uh, yeah, about that…

“I, uh, I assumed it was just wishful thinking,” you admit under your breath. “I mean, we don’t really, uh, talk outside of these shoots.”

He sighs and puts his forehead against yours. Your noses brush, and you’re acutely aware of the fact that you would just have to move a little to kiss him again.

“I— always looked forward to seeing you,” he admits quietly, almost shyly, something you’d never thought you would see, “but you always looked like you wanted to run away when I came up to you in class, so I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You don’t make me uncomfortable, just— just shy, I think.”

It makes him grin, and you realize that seeing that specific look on his face makes you want to kiss him even more. If you were bolder, you would, especially right now, but you don’t think you can dare to just yet.

It’s fine, though, because he’s the one who kisses you, briefly, tenderly, and then he looks at you like you’re one of the world’s seven wonders.

“Want to go make Tzuyu feel like a third wheel?” he asks, rising an eyebrow.

You laugh, and you can’t know it, but his chest swells with pride when you do.

“And then I can take you on a proper date,” he offers. “If you’d like.”

‘If you’d like,’ he says, and you suspect that he knows exactly how much you’d like that, but you humor him because how could you not.

“I’d love that.”

this was my first time writing for IN and this made me realize that he's probably the member whose personality I'm least sure how to write, so I hope you enjoyed it still and I'll see you tomorrow for Seungmin's part! Any feedback, comment, reblogs or asks are extremely welcome, I may not be able to get to it right away because I'm working on the rest but I they're much appreciated ❤️

[snowwybear]

Mother Goose | chapter three

Summary: all you can do love despite the world filled with hate. For 3 years you have been dating your loving boyfriend Joel Miller, while also being a motherly figure to his teenage daughter Sarah. The two of you get separated the day of the outbreak never to see each other again. 20 years later the two of reunite.

➀|➁

Warnings: spoilers for the hbo show and video game, fluff, mentions of injuries

~2034~

"Hold still," you say, your voice firm as you press the cloth soaked in alcohol against Tommy's side. The sharp scent fills the air, mixing with the stale smell of sweat and blood.

"Ow!" Tommy flinches, his face scrunching up in pain. "Watch it, will ya? I’m not made of steel, you know."

You roll your eyes, continuing to clean the wound. "How many times have I told you—"

"Not to go down that trail, I know, I know," Tommy interrupts, raising his hands in mock surrender, though his grin never falters. "But what can I say? I got a knack for bad decisions."

"You’ve got a knack for reckless decisions," you mutter, pressing the cloth harder against the gash on his arm, earning a hiss from him.

"Hey!" Tommy flinches, trying to pull away, but you hold him steady, your grip firm. "I’m already bleedin’ here. Don’t gotta add insult to injury."

"Maybe if you listened for once, you wouldn’t be bleeding at all." When the outbreak happened, you ran blindly, fuelled by adrenaline and terror, desperate to get as far away from the infected as possible. It wasn’t just fear that drove you—it was survival.

For days—maybe even weeks—you searched, clinging to the fragile hope that you could find them again, that somehow, against all odds, you could reunite with your family. But as the world crumbled around you, as cities fell and society devolved into chaos, that hope began to dwindle. You wandered through broken cities, dodging infected and ruthless survivors alike, the weight of uncertainty gnawing at you every day. Eventually, the hope of finding your family faded into a dull ache—a distant dream you barely allowed yourself to think about. The days turned into years, and survival became your only focus.

It wasn’t until a few years ago that Tommy Miller stumbled upon you during one of his patrols. By then, you were a shell of your former self—tired, ragged, barely holding on. You had seen too much, lost too much. But Tommy recognised you instantly. Despite the layers of dirt and exhaustion on your face, he knew you. You could hardly believe it when he said your name, his voice filled with disbelief and relief. In that moment, all the time and distance that had separated you from your past seemed to collapse. For the first time in years, you felt a spark of something you hadn’t dared to feel in a long time—hope.

Tommy didn’t hesitate. He brought you back to the community in Jackson, where you were met with kindness, shelter, and safety—things you hadn’t felt in years. You had grown so used to looking over your shoulder, waiting for the next threat, that the warmth of the community felt almost unreal. But it was real. Tommy and the others nursed you back to health, offering you food, water, and a place to stay. For the first time in a long time, you felt a sense of belonging again.

In return, you offered your skills as a nurse to the community. You tended to the sick and injured, providing medical support in a world where such knowledge had become a rare and precious commodity. It wasn’t the life you had imagined for yourself, but it was something. And more than that—it was a purpose. You were able to help, to contribute, to be part of something larger than just surviving day to day.

"There, all done." You finished patching up Tommy, securing the final bandage around his side.

"Thanks, I appreciate it," Tommy said, his voice softer than usual as his fingers lightly grazed the bandages, wincing slightly.

You nodded, wiping your hands and beginning to clean up the supplies. "Try to stay out of trouble, alright?"

Tommy chuckled, though there was a sincerity in his eyes. "I’ll try... for you."

You gave him a small smile, packing away the medical kit. "I’ll hold you to that.

-

The sun was beginning to set, casting a warm golden hue over Jackson as you locked up the clinic. The familiar sounds of the community—children laughing, adults chatting—felt oddly comforting, a reminder of how far you’d come since the chaos of the outbreak.

You took a deep breath, savouring the crisp evening air, and turned to head home when you caught a glimpse of a familiar figure atop it, his silhouette unmistakable. Joel. The years melted away in an instant, your mind flooded with memories of the man you had thought lost to time. He looked older, lines etched on his face, but that same protective intensity radiated from him.

Beside him was a girl—Ellie. Tommy had told you that Sarah had unfortunately passed on outbreak day, but he didn't tell you about this other girl. In fact, he didn't tell you when Joel and Ellie first turned up in Jackson.

Time seemed to freeze as you locked eyes with him. All the years apart, the worry and the longing, culminated in that single moment.

“Joel,” you breathed, stepping forward, almost hesitating. You had imagined this reunion countless times, but now that it was here, you felt a rush of emotion swell within you.

His expression shifted, a mix of surprise and relief washing over his features. “You’re here,” he said, his voice low and rough, as if he couldn’t quite believe it.

"Hi.." You whispered hesitant to make any moves. It has been a long, long time since you've seen Joel. You didn't even think he was still alive, but here he was standing in front of you. You didn't know what to do, how to react - do you run and jump into his arms? Or do you keep your distance? You had changed so much since you last saw each other.

You could see the tension in his shoulders ease as he took a tentative step toward you. The wind rustled the leaves overhead, and in that moment, it felt like the world had narrowed down to just the two of you.

“Is it really you?” he asked, his voice laced with disbelief.

You nodded, swallowing hard, emotions bubbling just below the surface. “I thought- I didn't know if you were still alive. After everything…” Your voice trailed off, the memories of the chaos flooding back—fears of being alone, the uncertainty of survival, the ache of separation.

Joel took another step closer, and you noticed Ellie shifting slightly, glancing between the two of you. Her expression was curious, as if she could feel the weight of the moment but didn’t quite understand it.

“Ellie, this is—” Joel started, he paused not quite believing himself that you were standing in front of each other after so many years.

“I’m [Your Name]. It’s nice to meet you.”

Ellie offered a shy smile back, her eyes darting between you and Joel. “So, you two know each other?”

“Yeah, we go way back,” Joel replied, a softness creeping into his tone as he looked at you, momentarily ignoring the slight teasing glint in Ellie’s eyes. He stepped a little closer, the distance between you narrowing as if no years had passed at all.

Ellie tilted her head, clearly intrigued. “What do you mean ‘way back’?”

You chuckled lightly, the sound breaking the tension. Joel rolled his eyes, huffing, and sent Ellie a glare—silently telling her to mind her business.

The playfulness quickly faded into a heavy silence. It had been years since you’d been in Joel’s presence, and though the familiarity was there, the weight of time hung between you both like an invisible wall. You shifted on your feet, unsure of what to do or say.

Joel cleared his throat, his voice low and rough. “Tommy didn’t tell me you were in Jackson.”

“I didn't know you were still alive; I guess I just assumed... he didn't tell me you were here.” You rambled, trying to make sense of this sudden reunion. You had processed the possibility of Joel's death so long ago that when you arrived in Jackson, you didn't think to ask.

Joel's eyes softened, a mix of guilt and surprise in his gaze. His lips parted like he wanted to say something, but the words seemed to fail him.

Ellie stood beside him, glancing between you both, clearly curious but wisely staying quiet. Her presence made it even more awkward—another reminder of how much time had passed, how much had changed.

“You—uh—settled here then?” Joel finally asked, shifting uncomfortably, his hands gripping the strap of his pack.

You nodded. “Yeah. I help at the clinic.”

Joel looked down, nodding slowly. His silence said more than words ever could. The years apart had been brutal, and now, standing here together after so long, the air felt thick with everything left unsaid.

Ellie, still watching you with wide, curious eyes, finally broke the silence with a small smirk. “You guys really know each other, huh?”

You and Joel exchanged a glance. “Yeah,” you said, your voice soft. “We go way back.”

Joel let out a quiet, almost reluctant chuckle, but his gaze stayed fixed on you, the years of distance and loss etched in his expression. You swallowed hard, emotions bubbling just beneath the surface, unsure of how to bridge the gap that time had carved between you.

As the sun dipped lower behind the mountains, you both stood there, awkward and unsure, but undeniably connected, just as you had always been.

[kayleighjennifer]

Birthday girl (Alexia Putellas x reader)

⚠️smut⚠️

Today is Alexia’s birthday and to say that you’re excited is an underestimation. You’ve planned the whole day with the help of Eli and Alba.

You and Alexia have been together for three years and today is the day, where you will propose to her.

Right now, Alexia is softly snoring next to you and you’re tracing her tattoos on her back with your fingers. “Good morning my love”. Alexia just grumbles and turns on her stomach.

You chuckle softly and press light kisses on her back. Alexia sighs at the feeling of your soft lips on her back but still has her eyes closed. You move her hairs from her neck and start sucking on her favourite spot on her neck. Your actions make her moan and she stirs from her deep sleep.

You grin at her. “Happy birthday darling, I hope you have a wonderful day”. She looks adoringly at you and moves you closer to her. “Thank you, besides this is a great way to wake up”. Her voice is still raspy from her sleep. “Glad to hear, do you wanna continue or eat breakfast?” You say excitedly, happy for the rest of the day.

“Let’s continue first and then eat breakfast”. You straddle Alexia’s lap and capture her lips in a bruising kiss. “I like that idea”.

You move towards her neck and décolleté where you leave many marks and wet kisses. The only thing that you can hear, are Alexia’s moans and the sound of your wet lips on her soft skin.

You suck on one of her breast and the other one gets massaged by your hand. “Oh fuck, you’re doing so great cariño”. Alexia groans out, which turns you even more on. “Glad to hear amore, let me take care of you”. Alexia is only able to nod, feeing overwhelmed by the pleasure she is already receiving.

After a bit you move lower, leaving many hickeys on her inner thighs, but leaving her core out. “Please Y/N, no more teasing”. Her hands are in your hair, guiding you to her pussy.

Since it’s her birthday you decide to give her the pleasure she wants. You harshly suck on her clit, using a little bit of teeth. Alexia’s back starts to arch off the bed, which looks unreal. It’s definitely one of your favourite signs. You start to eat her out and one of your hand is rubbing on her clit and the other one is holding Alexia in place.

“fuck, you’re so so so good baby. Please don’t stop”. You love the way she begs and pick up some speed.

You see her legs trembling as she comes but you don’t stop, shoving her right off the cliff again. You connect your eyes with the Spanish ones and see how tears are already forming.

You stop eating her out. “If it’s too much, just let me know and I’ll stop”. Alexia nods and you move back to her pussy. The taste of her is your favourite and Alexia quickly comes for the third time.

You’re not done yet, wanting to make Alexia squirt for the first time. The hand who’s holding her waist is moving upwards to her breast and starts massaging it harshly. She moans even louder by now and feels a weird feeling inside her.

It feels like she’s coming but needs to pee at the same time. “Y/n, I’m coming!” and with that, she covers your mouth with her squirt. Her body is covered in sweat and you stop. Alexia looks embarrassed at you and blushes.

You lick her squirt and moan at the taste. “Don’t look at me like that Alexia. I knew what I was doing and you taste amazing, I wish I could taste it every second”. You assure her and kiss her passionate. Alexia hums into the kiss.

“It was amazing Y/n, I never felt this before” You just smirk at her and cuddle her into your side. “Great to her, it was an honour. What do you think of pancakes for breakfast? You can relax a bit in bed and I’ll prepare everything” Alexia’s heart swells with love at your behaviour. She never felt that loved before.

“But I can help you cariño, you don’t have to do everything alone”. You just kiss her and put on one of her nike hoodies and panties. “I insist, it’s your birthday after all.”

Breakfast in bed was amazing. You had also cut many fruits and made some coffee for the two of you. After breakfast you stay in bed to watch Alexia’s favourite TV show.

“What do you think of picnicking? It’s the perfect weather”. You ask the women in your arms. “I’d love to, where?” She looks up to you with a smile. “You’ll see”.

While you were watching TV, Eli and Alba set up an amazing picnic in the park, where you’d propose to Alexia.

“Let’s get ready babe”. You say after 2 hours and get up. You change into a beautiful dress with tiny flowers on it. It was Alexia’s favourite dress. Alexia on the other hand changed into black slacks with a beautiful white crop top, looking perfect.

“Wow” You breathe out and kiss her. “You look wow too” She smirks and you blush a bit. “Don’t we need food for a picnic?” Alexia giggles as she don’t see you having any food. “Your sister prepared it, don’t worry”.

When you arrive, there is no sign of Alexia’s mother or sister. You knew that they were hiding so you could propose to her. “Wow, it looks breathtaking”. Alexia is taking in the beautiful view and turns around to you when you’re on your knees.

“Dear Alexia. We met three years ago and after I asked you out for the first time, you asked me to be your girlfriend so I guess it’s my turn again to ask you to be my beautiful wife. Every second we spend together is simply perfect and I can not imagine my life without you anymore, so I ask you, do you want to make me the happiest person alive and be my wife?” You end the speech and look into Alexia’s shocked and teary eyes.

“Of course!” You kiss her and Eli and Alba are stepping out of their hideout. “Congratulations guys” Alba says and Alexia looks surprised around

“This is all so perfect, thank you” She kisses you again and you hold her close. “Everything for my girl”

[bloomsberries]

There’s something unreal about writing after not having done it for what feels like years. To dive back into something after you feel like you’ve lost your ability to do it, feels like a miracle. It shouldn’t. Writing isn’t magic. But, somehow, when you’re unable to do it, it feels very much like a spell, like some conjuring only accessible to those with special knowledge, or gifts.

This is all to say that I disconnected myself from the world for a full week and I took long walks, read novels, deleted my podcast app, have thrown my phone in a drawer for most of the waking day, and am allowing myself the sensation of having nothing to do with my mind except think of things that don’t have anything to do with the real world. I am allowing myself to create without obstruction. And whether it’s shitty or not, I don’t care. I was not allowing myself a second that wasn’t used up by audio feeds or newsfeeds or all manner of things that I felt I should know and consume because what would happen if I didn’t? The truth is nothing would happen if I didn’t know. If, in that day or that week or maybe that month, something happened and I didn’t know about it? Nothing would happen. And so I need to disconnect. I need to do it, for my own self-preservation. I’m locking out the world because the state of it often makes me ill and it steals my creativity.

And after allowing myself to live for a few days without the weight of all that’s happening what feels like everywhere, I decided it’s okay to do that. For a while, maybe for a long while if necessary, it’s okay to disconnect from the horrors, from everything, and do something for your own health and creativity. I was starving without writing. It was killing me. I thought I would never be able to do it again and that made me so sad. In the last few days, I wrote 1000 words, and I now know I can write more.

Did I write something that will change the world? No. But it changes my world, and that’s enough.

[voltronisanobsession]

Platonic Yandere! Voltron x Reader

These are my first headcanons I’ve uploaded so they might be a little all over the place and unorganized💀💀 but anyways hope you guys enjoy?

I don’t know if having all of them obsessed with you is a good thing or a bad thing

On one side, they’d be willing to do anything in order to protect you

But on the other, there’s literally no way you’re ever getting away from them, not with the defenders of the universe being your personal guard dogs

You had to have been friends with at LEAST one of them before finding the blue lion and I’m feeling Pidge was the first one to have been the starting catalyst

So once you’ve met everyone else, something just clicked in their brains

Your whole being was just so comforting and familiar for them that they didn’t even realize their feelings towards you becoming twisted

You wouldn’t be able to go anywhere by yourself

Feel like eating something? Good thing Hunk’s tagging along, maybe he’ll make you a tasty meal

Need to train in the training deck? Well, Keith feels like his fighting skills are getting a little rusty

Want to look over the star chart? Luckily Coran and Pidge are right there to help you understand some of the patterns

Want to get some rest in your room? Allura’s already suggesting you guys should have a slumber party in her room!

You won’t get any time to yourself, not with one of them breathing down your neck

There will always be one of them right next to you wherever you are

Like they’re clinginess is unreal💀 some will make their clingy needs obvious (LANCE, Hunk, Coran) while the others will be a bit more discreet about it (Shiro, Keith, Pidge)

I feel like Allura would be in between

But despite this, none of them are willing to take the risk of you roaming around outside the castle

You could try and run from them, maybe the aliens on the planets they visit will want to keep you for themselves, or the galra might show up and start attacking!

Because of that lingering fear, missions are usually done with you back in the safety of the castle with Coran and Allura (if she hasn’t begun piloting the lion yet)

They’re usually left on babysitting duties with you which they don’t honestly mind…

All of them would be SUPER overprotective of you to the absolute MAX, telling you the castle was the only place that could keep you safe

If they aren’t around that is

Being around them in the castle begins to feel more an obligation, and you feel more like a prisoner

Which is why you prefer Shiro out of all of them because he’s the only one who gives you some amount of freedom

Shiro understands what it’s like to be kept as a prisoner and understands just how restricting your situation is

He definitely tries to work out some negotiation with you

To make up for the others obsessive need to constantly be around you, he forces them to chill out and just let you be

Kind of like a schedule of some sort

With Shiro’s light supervision, you can finally take a moment for yourself without having to worry about the lingering eyes you’ve felt since leaving earth

Just don’t take advantage of Shiro’s kindness because the little privacy he’s given you can easily be taken away and you’d be back at stage one with the group hogging for your attention

Because this group is diverse in personalities, it can be extremely draining having to deal with them all on a daily basis

Lance and Keith fight for your attention, Lance being more loud and open about it

It’s like a tug of war situation with them, constantly having them bicker over who gets to hangout with you and fighting for that right

“Hey y/n, I say we make a break for it. You, me, we’ll make a great pair just saving the universe!”

“You really think they want to spend time with you?? I think y/n was on their way to the training deck right?”

It’s exhausting to say the least

Having Pidge run on and on about programs she’s working on can be draining and you often find yourself dozing off until she wakes you up, forcing you to listen to her rants and programs she’s currently working on again

(Definitely has some sort of tracker on you, everybody knows about it except you)

I feel like Hunk wouldn’t be as bad as the others but he does force you to cook with him in the kitchen, constantly wanting your inputs and needing compliments, not allowing you to leave until you’ve taste tested all of his new dishes

Manipulates you into staying with him by saying no one appreciates his cooking💀 makes you feel bad so you reluctantly stay in your seat

Allura and Coran…

They have never felt such intense feelings for a person before, so it really throws them off once they’ve developed their twisted version of affection for you

Their planet was destroyed and now that they finally found a home in you, they’re both willing to do anything in order to keep you in the safety of their arms

“Y/n just the person I was looking for! I need your help in running some tests for me”

“Ah y/n there you are! I was starting to get worried when I didn’t find you with the others,,”

Shiro plans on keeping and protecting the innocence he saw in you when you guys first met

Definitely gives overprotective dad vibes

He’ll be forceful with you if you try and do anything dangerous, like trying to go out on missions or even trying to escape them

I don’t think escaping is even possible tbh, they all kinda desperate ngl💔

Overall, this group is dead set on keeping you with them

It doesn’t really matter what you want because you don’t really understand the true dangers the universe can throw at you

They just want to keep you safe and happy

As long as you follow along with their rules and requests, living in the castle with this group won’t be as terrible as compared to you constantly fighting against them

That won’t be well received by either of them, especially Allura and Shiro

[nczennie]

hungry eyes.

Part Two of She's Like The Wind

Pairing: Reader x Stray Kid’s Lee Know AU: Summer love, based on the film Dirty Dancing Genre: Angst, Fluff (this part) Preview: “I’m doing this for you, you know! I could’ve refused and you would have been stuck without that job, but I’m doing the best I can to learn this stupid dance and help you, so stop being such an asshole!” You huff out angrily, you can feel the redness in your face clearly showing your emotion. Words: 9.2k *Warnings under cut

Warnings: Some curse words, some making out and like groping, drug use, talk against drug use, bad side effects of drug use,

It was only three days later that you found yourself sweating profusely in a small dance studio. As you stand trying to catch your breath you’re unsure how you even let Jeongin and Momo convince you to agree to this. This morning, bright and early before Minho’s shift started, you got ready in the most athletic-like clothing you packed, gently reminding yourself that you were doing this to help the girl out everytime you yawned on the walk over.

But now as you breathe heavily and wipe the sweat from your brow while Minho stares unimpressed and annoyed, you find yourself thinking, why do you owe this girl anything?

“I knew this wasn’t going to work,” the boy grumbles as he grabs a small towel to hand you, “We haven’t even gotten a fraction into the damn song and you can’t remember a single step.” Though his words are harsh, you know they were true. You’ve never done any ballroom dancing to this extent and you don’t think you were that great of a dancer to begin with. But Minho and his teaching wasn't helping you learn anything, in fact you find it to make everything much worse. 

"You're the dance teacher you know, isn't that your job?" You glare back at him as you wipe the sweat from you, cursing the summer humidity. "If I'm not learning anything then maybe it's your fault".

Minho scoffs at you, shaking his head, his brown hair falling into his eyes, "Unreal", he mumbles, "This whole thing is stupid, I can't believe I bet my job on someone like you".

“Then help me!” You let out frustratingly. “I know I’m not a dancer, and I’m not as talented as Momo or any other partner you’ve had. But if you actually slowed down and tried to teach me as a beginner then it would be easier for both of us! It’s like you’ve given up on me before you’ve even given me a chance.”

You know Minho was the most against you stepping in for Momo for the performance, but you figured he would at least give you a chance seeing as his second job is on the line.

At your outburst Minho says nothing, but at least it has stopped his grumbling. You swallow at the tense atmosphere, his large eyes slowly blinking at you, unchanging. Finally, he makes his way to a small table in the room, grabbing a couple of water bottles. The boy makes his way back to you and hands you one, “Drink up well, we have a lot to do, baby.” He turns back around to drink his own water and you can’t help the small smile that reaches your lips as you open the bottle, perhaps your words have gotten to him after all.

Just a week into being Minho’s pupil, you realize this could become a problem. Yet it wasn’t the tough footwork or the even tougher instructor, but the passionate routine and perhaps even your underlying attraction to the dancer.

After your confrontation, things seemed to progress much better for you both. Though he is tough with his instructions and expectations, Minho turns out to be a great teacher and that is crystal clear seeing as he was able to get you to memorize even the smallest things. You’re both already a good portion into the song and everything is on track for the performance in two short weeks. 

That being said, you never thought about the amount of passion the dance included. You saw with your own eyes how much passion Minho and Momo individually had when they danced, but now being a partner, it became clear the passion would be presented to you as well. You’ve shared a dance with Minho before, a very intimate one at that, but even that night when you basically had your pelvis’ pressed against each other (to put it politely), for some reason you still don’t find it to be as heart fluttering as what you’re learning now. 

The intense eye contact and slow dragging of his fingers across your body hitches your breath every time and you’re glad you can still blame the shortness of breath on being out of shape.

Of course you found Minho attractive from the very first moment you saw him. It's his dancing that draws you in, but it’s his large eyes, sharp cheekbones, and pouty lip that keep you staring. There’s something beautiful and stunning about Minho’s physical appearance. His features are both sharp and delicate at the same time, and his aura automatically draws the attention of everyone in the room he’s in. He’s the type of beauty you believe would be hard for anyone to deny. 

And though you noticed Minho’s beauty from the beginning, there was something about the boy now that had begun to become almost conscious of yourself. You wanted to learn the dance and perform well for his and Momo’s sake, but you also wanted to impress him personally. You wanted him to tell you how well you were doing, you didn’t want his passionate looks to stop as soon as the music did, you wanted to make his heart flutter the same way he made yours. 

That would be the reason why the effort you put into your appearance before practice grew, but you hope it wasn’t too obvious. Your comfort wear slowly started to change to pieces that were practical but what you found to accentuate the best parts of you. You sneakily stole one of Daisy's lip glosses and you're always sure to apply it right before you enter the room to make sure it’s fresh. If Minho notices any of your changes he doesn’t let on, so for now you make sure to focus on perfecting the dance.

Sometimes, if her schedule allowed, Momo would make her way into the practice room as well. Since it was also her routine you would be doing she tried her best to come and teach you, from her perspective, just how you needed to portray the moves. 

It was a lot of help learning from the one who actually did the moves you did and spending time with Momo for the first time showed you a side of her you hadn’t seen before. 

The girl was quite energetic and fun, she helped you in an entertaining and less strict way. Having her at practices was very helpful, you and Minho performing for her so she could see and correct from an outsiders point of view. 

You were glad to have her help and getting to know her better made you glad you chose to help her out.

Though your relationship with Minho did improve in the time you did work together, there were still moments you felt like you were going backwards. There were times where the tension between you both grew; whether it was him being frustrated with you not being able to get a move down, or you frustrated with him being frustrated with you. You figured it came with being around each other for long amounts of time, but that did little to ease your emotions.

Such as today.

It had been a stormy, gloomy day from the moment you woke up. Even now it was pouring hard as you were alone with Minho in an old garage that wasn’t being used. The dance studio you usually used together was in use for a class, so Minho found this garage on the outskirts of the resort property. There was no air conditioning so he opted to leave the large doors open, the sound of the storm loud and clear for you both to hear and see. The humidity that the weather brought seemed unbearable causing you both to sweat more than usual. 

On top of that, you’ve recently started to wear heels to practice to help you get used to them since you would have to wear them for the actual performance. You were just getting used to them on the dance floor but now trying to dance with them on top of this dirt, you were a mess. 

To put it lightly, you have been crap at the entire routine today, you of course blaming it on the weather and new location, but nonetheless, Minho became frustrated. 

He felt as though all the progress you both had made had gone down the drain and it wasn’t long before he became more snappy and demanding with his instructions. 

The mood quickly became sour; matching the downpour outside and it was on a matter of time before one of you was to finally snap. 

“1, 2, 3, and 4,” Minho calls out and you wind your arm up, like he taught you on the count. But unlike what was supposed to be the routine, your hand makes contact with the middle of his face with a loud smack. “Ow, fuck!” You gasp in surprise, your own hands coming up to cover your mouth as you turn around to look at him. “Are you trying to kill me?! What is wrong with you?!” The boy yells dramatically. 

You quickly lose the sympathy you felt, hands dropping to your hips, “Oh, yes. That’s exactly what I’m trying to do.” The boy sends you a glare, fingers still gripping on his nose. “I don’t know why you’re so pissed! I’m sorry okay, it was an accident!” You flare your arms up, not sure what else you could do. “If you did the fucking move like I taught you this wouldn’t have happened.” He retorts back, calmly yet full of venom. 

“I’m doing this for you, you know! I could’ve refused and you would have been stuck without that job, but I’m doing the best I can to learn this stupid dance and help you, so stop being such an asshole!” You huff out angrily, you can feel the redness in your face clearly showing your emotion.

Minho closes his eyes, taking a few moments to breathe in and out, perhaps to calm himself. When he finally opens them again, he glances out at the hard rain, “Let’s get out of here.” You keep your gaze on him, clearly confused at his words, “What?”

He goes to grab his leather jacket from the table along with his car keys, “We both clearly need a break from this, so let’s go, baby".

You ended up shielded from the rain in his car and you don’t question him about where he’s going, taking the time of the drive to try to cool down and listen to the radio. Watching the scenery out the window, you notice he drives further away from the resort. 

"Why do you keep calling me that?" You mumble to him once you feel you've calmed down enough. "What?" he asks keeping his attention on the windshield has the rain begins to slow. "Baby," you speak, "You keep saying baby". Minho merely shrugs, "It fits".

It was only a few minutes before the car came to a stop and he moved the gear into park. The rain finally seemed to stop completely and there is a small glimmer of sunlight bursting from beyond the clouds. “Follow me” he says, pushing his jacket off and making his way out of the car and into the trees in the distance. You do as he says, following his lead, only half joking in your head about how you hope he doesn’t plan to murder you after you smacked him in the face.

The sounds of your shoes against the leaves and dirt seems to echo in the large empty woods and you follow the boy silently for another five minutes from the car. A few steps in front of you, Minho finally comes to a stop and as you catch up to him you see you’ve come to a small cliff of sorts. Looking down you see a small stream, full of water from the rain but not running quickly. The drop isn’t terribly far, but it is further than the next piece of land across the way. In fact, the other side has been connected by a large fallen tree. The brown wood lays on either side of the land, acting as a bridge above the water below. 

“I think the most important thing about ballroom dancing, well all dancing really,” Minho starts to talk and you look slightly confused at him as he leans down to start taking off his shoes and socks. “Is balance.” He finishes with a small smile. Your gaze never leaves the boy as you watch him walk over to the log placed above the water. 

“Minho!” You gasp out as he places one of his feet on the so-called bridge. Though you knew the fall wasn’t critically high, it was still high enough to cause serious damage if he were to lose his footing. But he ignores your call, clearly less worried than you seem to be. You move closer, ready to help though you don’t know exactly what you would do if he needed it. 

Your heart races as he continues to walk carefully along the log, arms spread out to help him balance as he works his way to the middle, directly above the water. Finally making it to a place that pleased him, he turns around to face you with a smile, “Ta-da!” You can only frown at him, “Please be careful.” 

He chuckles at you, looking down towards his feet, “Don’t worry, baby, I have amazing balance.” He does a little jump, coming completely off the log before landing again. And though he lands perfectly you can’t help the little scream that comes naturally out of your mouth. The boy smirks at you and reaches his arm out to motion towards you, “Come on, your turn.” Rapidly you shake your head, "No way”. He raises his eyebrows and calls out your name, “You’ll be fine, I promise. This is technically part of your training, so you have to do it.” He walks closer to your side of the long. Though you give him an unamused glare, you move down to remove your shoes just as he did his. And before you know it you were taking your first, shaky, step on the log. 

“There you go.” Minho praises you as you start to walk shakily towards him, you breath shaking just as much as your feet. You don’t dare glance away from your footing, not wanting to take a single misstep. “Look at me, don’t look down.” 

“Minho, I can’t” you whine, eyes still not leaving the log. He reaches over to grab your hand in his, “I’ve got you, now come on look at me.” 

You shut your eyes completely, taking a deep breath to try to calm your pounding heart. You finally raise your head away from the ground (or lack of) and count to three in your head before opening your eyes. 

As you do, you make eye contact with the boy and he smiles excitedly, “Good. Now keep your eyes on me, don’t look down.” He takes a step backwards and you have no choice but to take a step forward in order to keep your hands together. 

You both keep stepping like that, slowly on foot at a time and soon Minho starts to hum a little toon, obviously one he seemed fit for the rythemed stepping you both were doing. You can’t help the small laugh that leaves your throat at his silly song and he glances at you with a smirk. He starts to walk towards you causing you to walk backwards this time and you surprise yourself with how calm you keep at the new direction, now more focused on keeping on the beat that Minho continues to make. 

After a couple of moments he lets go of your hand, “Now get low,” He starts his beat again and you throw your head back in laughter as he moves in a funny manner, legs bending in order to get closer to the log. You’ve never seen the boy dance in an unserious manner and laughter only grows in your stomach as he urges you to do it along with him. 

Not being able to help it, you dance along with him as he starts to whistle the toon. Before long you both laugh loudly, the sound echoing in the woods as you start to walk backwards on your own, clearly not worried about the fall and your balance as good as ever.

With a pleasant smile still plastered to your face you return to the solid ground taking a seat on the cool grass, watching Minho take his own on the log- legs dangling over the edge. 

Realizing this is the first time you've been with Minho outside of dancing, you become curious. Never once having talked to him about anything other than the performance. You enjoy the silence for a moment, basking in the sound of the running water and tweeting birds before you speak again, “How long have you been dancing?”

He turns his gaze to you, taking a second to collect his thoughts, “Since I can remember,” he hums “It was offered as an afternoon activity so I took it up so I didn’t have to be home as much.” You nod even though he’s removed his eyes to look at the log. 

“Have you always been as good as you are now?” Questioning with a smile you keep it as the boy looks up at you, an amused smile on his own lips. He shakes his head playfully, “Well I did plan to follow it into college.” 

Letting your gaze travel across his face, you lick your lips before asking yet another question, “Why didn’t you? Go to college for it, I mean.” Your voice is softer towards the end as you realize it might not be something he would want to converse about.

He starts picking at the wood beneath him and answers you steadily, “I’ve just never had the money for it. It was only ever me and my mom, so money was always tight.” Minho meets your gaze again, sending you a smile that could barely fully raise the corners of his mouth. You immediately regret bringing it up, knowing by now finances is not something you want to ever want to talk about again seeing as the conversations about it in the past weren’t the most delightful.

You swallow harshly, readying to apologize to him but he asks you a question before you can, “What about you? You’re going to a university in the fall, what are you majoring in?” You assume Jeongin must have told him something.

His intense eyes stay on you as you consider his question, already red in the face with having to admit your lack of plan- feeling almost ashamed. 

“Oh, I don’t- I don’t know what I’m majoring in. I don’t know what I want to do.” 

He stares longer and you’re surprised with how well you can keep the eye contact, finally he licks his lips and raises to his feet, “Don’t worry, you have a lot of time to figure it out.” 

Minho comes closer, reaching out to pull you from your sitting position, “C’mon, I’ll show you the lake.” 

The lake down the hill is much larger than that of the one nearest the resort. It is also much quieter, no one other than you both within the whole space. 

Minho has already dove in, keeping both his pants and his shirt on- the black material now soaking and sticking to his body. 

“Well come on, it’s cool but it feels nice.” He runs his fingers through his wet hair and you try to look too long at the sight before you. 

You take a breath and dive in yourself next to Minho, clothes and all. Returning from under the water you push your hair out of your face and gasp right away, “This water is freezing! What were you saying?!” You look up to the boy beside you whose eyes glimmer as he sports a devious smirk.

“Minho,” you whine “It’s cold and we don’t even have spare clothes.” He hums in response moving to float on his back, “Just keep moving, you’ll be fine, baby I might have some towels in the car.” He closes his eyes to relax in the water.

You huff, ignoring the drop of your stomach at the pet name he insists on using. Looking around you not really sure what to do. There's a sudden movement from beside you as the boy suddenly sits up, “Want to try something cool?” He smirks at you and you can’t help but to glare back, having no idea what he could be up to now.

“Let’s try a lift.” He says plainly standing up straight. 

“A lift?” You question.

“Yes,” he drags on, “A lift, you know like I do with Mo.” 

Your eyebrows furrow, “You said we weren’t adding the lift to the routine.” He hums, nodding and moving closer, “Not for the routine, just for fun. In the water is the best place to do it anyways. C’mon,” he closes the space between you to grasp your hips in his hands and you can’t help but a chill to run down your spin, “It’s cold,” you mumble but he merely grunts.

“Okay, when I count to three, you’re going to jump. I’ll lift you and you keep your arms straight out as if you’re Superman, okay?” You can’t help but smile at his explanation and nod. 

Strengthening his grip, he starts to count, “1,...2,...3!” 

You jump as hard as you could in the water and squeal when you feel Minho lifting you completely out of water and over his head. Keeping your arms straight you try to do as your told, but not even a second in the air, you feel yourself falling forward. You scream a little just before falling into the water and nearly on top of the boy. 

You come back up and you’re almost scared to see Minho but what you hear from behind you is a surprise. Turning to make sure you’re not crazy, Minho stands messing with his wet hair, laughing like you’ve never heard him laugh before. 

The laugh is almost cute in a way and you would’ve never pictured it belongs to Minho; in fact, you don’t think you pictured him laughing at all.

But here he was, eyes closed and smile wide as the laugh shakes his whole body. It’s contagious and you can’t help but join in.

Finally recovering, he moves towards you again, “See? Wasn’t it fun?” You keep your smile nodding up at him. “Here, this time try keeping your legs out straight just like your arms.” He reaches for your hips again and you giggle.

You don’t even know how long you both go like that, lifting and falling and laughing and splashing but it’s until your stomach is sore and your mouth hurts but in a most delightful way.

You reckon it’s the most fun you’ve had all summer and it feels like the Minho you’ve just spent time with is a completely different person.

Standing trying to regain your breath and ring out the water from your hair, Minho quickly moves towards you before you realize and he’s right in front of you.

He crouches so he’s in front of your face and you can feel his heavy breath crashing against your mouth. You stare at him in shock by his sudden actions but he doesn’t move. You follow his eyes when they move from your own to look down at your lips.

Your heart starts to pound as his large eyes look back up to yours and then down to your lips again. His hand comes forward to move a piece of your wet hair away from your face. And suddenly your breath stops because he place his lips on yours.

Blinking a few times before closing your eyes, you stay as still as him neither of you attempting to move. His lips are warm against yours despite the coldness around you and you can feel a drop of water from his hair fall to your cheek. There's a stillness in the air before Minho moves again, kissing you again but rather than the previous peck, he's slotting his lips between yours. At the feeling you push your lips back into his, eager to meet his slow kisses.

His hand slips beneath the water to lightly grip your hip so you take the chance to move your own hand to his back, gripping his soaking shirt. Standing in the lake kissing Minho slowly, the only sound coming from your lips and some bird in the distance, neither one of you moving for more, content with the slow kisses. But then a raindrop hits your head, only one but seconds later a steady drizzle has already started breaking you both from your trance.

He pulls away from you before a smile breaks out on his lips, he bites it as if to retain and you’re surprised someone so intense could look so cute.

Minho stands straight again, reaching for your hand, “C’mon, let’s get dry.”

You’re pleasantly surprised that despite the kiss you shared, your relationship with Minho seems to grow into a friendship of sorts after the endeavor at the lake. It’s as though you were able to break through whatever front he was putting up at first, or maybe you were able to prove something to him. Whatever it may be, you had no intention of asking him. Not when it could ruin what you had finally gotten to. 

“Hey, are you busy tonight?” Minho asks one afternoon after one of your practices. He doesn’t look at you when he asks, choosing to focus on fidgeting with the record player. You swallow, taking a moment to look at his back as you dab the sweat from your forehead with a towel. “After dinner with my family I believe I'm free.” You speak and furrow your eyebrows, silently contemplating if it was weird your plans were only ever with your parents. 

The boy finally turns around to look at you, “There’s a get together with some of the workers tonight. I thought you might like to come. Jeongin will be there.” He awkwardly scratches his neck and you wish he had left the music playing to fill the room with something other than the awkward tension. “Like the one I went to before, with the dancing?” Asking a question, you try to get more information. “Sort of,” He says “Smaller though. And it’s at one of the rooming houses so there won’t be that much room for dancing. It’ll probably be more of a hang out.” 

You purse your lips, not really sure why you’re contemplating. It’s not like you have anywhere else to go, and you would usually not want to invite yourself somewhere you’re not welcomed, but Minho asked you himself. “Yeah, sure. I’d like to come.”

And merely hours later you find yourself in a cramped employee house, squished on a chair that wasn’t made for two people. Yet you consider yourself lucky it was Jeongin you’re smushed against. Though you enjoy Jeongin’s company on a regular basis, you let your eyes wander the room as he drags on about a pair of college girls he got to help out all day to some fellow workers sitting across from you. 

Maybe it was a bit foolish of you to expect Minho to actually hang out with you at the get together with many of his friends, but he was the one that invited you here. Since you both shared a kiss in the lake the other day he has yet to mention it. Sure you were thankful for his growing friendship but how were you supposed to kiss him like that and pretend it never happened, especially after you spent a better half of your time ogling over him. It's not like you were expected a date tonight, although you did steal one of your sisters skirts and perfume, but at least something from the boy would be nice. Yet, since you arrived with Jeongin you’ve only seen glimpses of him from across the room. 

You don’t know how much time you sit there, pressed almost uncomfortably against the boy as he talks with the people around him. Though he is a gentleman of sorts, frequently asking if you’re okay, needing anything, or just bringing you into the conversation. 

The music was blaring from the speakers, the tunes sounded much like the ones that were played the night you first danced with Minho, and the room had gotten more hazy since you first arrived. 

“Hey,” you hear from your right and you straighten up with a start from where you were leaning against your propped elbow. You can’t help the smile that grazes your lips as you see the familiar dancer pulling up a stool to sit next to you. “Hey,” you reply back, happy to finally get to see him here. He returns your smile before moving his attention to a couple of boys across from you that Jeongin was talking to before, quickly falling into conversation with them. 

As more time passes you notice Minho moves closer to you as the drink in his cup slowly grows emptier. Since Minho has joined, you joined the group conversation more actively, laughing and joking with everyone like they were your long-time friends.

It wasn't long before you watched the boy sitting across from you lean back in order to pull something out of his front pocket. His hand emerges with a tiny plastic bag which seemed to be filled with a white powder of sorts. He leans forward to the coffee table placed in the middle of the small group of people, pushing some empty bottles around in order to clear some space. “Oh, c’mon guys, seriously?” You turn to look at Minho who speaks up as the boy empties the contents onto the table. He rolls his eyes bringing his cup to his mouth to finish the last of his drink. 

The boys don’t seem to notice, or care for that matter, at Minho’s words. The pair of them scooting closer to the table in order to separate the powder into neat lines with the help of a piece of paper. 

You’re not that naive, you knew the drug even though you had never seen it in person and it still surprises you that no one else in the room is as shocked as you are at their actions. One of the boys leans down to snort the line, using the help of a short rolled up piece of paper. Your eyebrows furrow watching in pure curiosity, never have you seen any drugs, let alone seen someone do any drugs. 

He comes up with a smile wiping his nose on the back of his hand, automatically making eye contact with you across from him. “Wanna take a hit?” He asks in such a friendly manner you almost forget what he was offering. You turn to look at Jeongin; he merely purses his lips and shrugs his shoulders, clearly not wanting to be in charge of any decisions you’re going to make tonight. 

You take another look at the boy making the offer; he looked fine, nothing about him looked like any of the warnings that taught you in school. Even at the moment he didn’t even look like he was experiencing any side effects and maybe that’s why you hesitate a moment before slowly leaning forward, reaching your hand out to grab the paper. 

“Are you fucking serious?” You snap your head in surprise at the outburst next to you, Minho standing up from his seat in order to yell, but you’re surprised he wasn’t looking at you but at the boy. “You guys can fuck around and fuck up your life all you want but don’t bring anyone else into it. Don’t ever offer her anything again, you got it?” before turning to you, "Don't be fucking stupid". His face is bright red when he finishes his sentence throwing his cup to the ground and kicking over the stool he once sat on. “Fucking assholes,” he mumbles before making his way out of the small house with a slam of the door, never once sparking you a glance. 

The rest of the group merely chuckles, obviously not phased by Minho or his words. You feel Jeongin grasp your arm lightly next to you, “Let’s go,” He whispers in your ear and you gladly get up off the chair and follow him out the door leaving the loud music and crowded space behind. 

Jeongin slowly walks with you back to your room and you bask in the silence, overthinking about how embarrassed you are. Embarrassed you almost made a dumb decision and Minho of all people had to be the one to stop you, and he made it very clear that was something he was not happy about. 

“I’m really sorry, Jeongin” you finally speak up as you get closer to where your room is located, “I really wasn’t thinking, I have no idea what I was doing.”

“You don’t have to apologize, I don’t think taking one hit ever would do something to you, honestly. But Minho has a bad history with shit like that so he freaked out easily. He was trying to protect you, I don’t really think he was angry at you. Plus he had a lot to drink tonight.” The boy trails off. 

You can’t help but wonder about the history Minho has but you figure it’s none of your business and if you really wanted to know you should ask him and not get the information unknowingly from his cousin. 

You finally reach your door and you turn to Jeongin, “Thanks for walking me back. I’m sorry for ruining tonight.” He only chuckles at you, “Stop worrying about it so much, go on and sleep it off. Just forget about the whole thing!” He sends a friendly smile your way and you try to send one back, “Thank you, Jeongin. Well anyways, if you see Minho tell him I’m sorry.” You pause, “And tell him thank you.” You reach for your doorknob as Jeongin brings his hand to his forehead in order to salute your requests. 

You laugh at his actions before finally entering your room ready to sleep and forget all about the incident.

The next couple days go smoothly, you’re happy not to mention anything about the party when you’re with Minho and you’re even happier that Minho doesn‘t utter a word about it either. 

The two of you merely focused on putting the final touches on the routine, trying to perfect it to a point where you would look just as good as Momo would be dancing. 

And before you know it, it’s the day of the performance. The butterflies and nerves have been present in your body since the moment you woke up. You find yourself running over the routine again and again in your head throughout the day, over breakfast with your family, lounging by the lake with your mom, lunch with your dad, and now a quick volleyball game with your sister and Chan. 

You felt bad for being so distracted but you needed to have this dance down. Though you were confident at your last practice last night, now your nerves were so high you’re afraid that would be the thing to mess everything up. You couldn’t ruin it for Minho and Momo.

“I thought you liked volleyball?” Daisy calls out to you as she runs up to you, the game coming to an end. You pout slightly, “I do. I’m sorry, I’m just really distracted I guess.” You turn to look at Chan who had gone to say goodbye to the coworkers that were a part of the game. “Hey, what are you doing tonight?” You turn to look at your sister. 

“Oh Chan and I are going to dinner and a drive-in movie in the next town over. He’s working the lunch and dinner shifts the next couple of days so we wanted to do something fun.” She smiles, eyes wandering over to the shirtless boy across the sand.

You swallow hard, “Daisy, can you do me a favor?” Her eyebrows furrow as she turns to look at you, you continue, “Can you please pretty please tell mom and daddy that I’m going with you tonight?” 

She automatically looks taken aback, never having heard you ask something of the sort, “Why? What are you doing?” 

You sigh, “I just want to hang out with a friend. They don’t know him but I really don’t want them to push me to hang out with Neil again.” It’s not completely a lie so you don’t feel as bad as you should for asking your sister for a cover. “You mean the cute little baggage boy? Alright well, I’ll tell them. And Chan too I guess. Just don’t do anything bad, alright?” 

Pulling her in for a hug, you smile brightly not even correctly for her for thinking you would be with Jeongin. “Thanks so much, I owe you! Stay safe!” You dramatically place a kiss to her cheek, turning to wave at Chan as he walks over, and finally beginning to jog out of the sand to make it to your next location.

“Keep my elbows tight, shoulders locked, don’t look down.” You stand looking in the mirror moving your arms as subtly as you can, trying to practice even as Momo works around you on your dress.

She had been slightly tailoring one of her old performance dresses to fit you better and now just hours before the performance, you’re in her room as she helps you get ready. 

She would be doing your makeup, as it would be heavier than any makeup you’ve ever worn, and making sure your hair was in an appropriate updo. 

You let out a deep sigh staring at yourself in the beautiful dress, Momo chuckles at you, “There’s no need to stress. You know the routine, you’ve worked so hard. You’re going to nail it.” She runs her hand over the skirt trying to straighten a wrinkle.

Pursing your lips you let your worries tumble out of your mouth, “I know, I just” you shrug, “I don’t want to mess this up for your guys. You both really need this and I don’t want to ruin it because I’m not a proper dancer or because I get too nervous.” 

You look down at Momo and you’re shocked to find her eyes watering, you start to panic. “Oh! No! I’m sorry, I’n sure I won’t mess it up, I’m just nervous is all!” You step down from the small stool to put your arms around her shoulder but she quickly shakes her head, “No, no! It’s not that. It’s just you’re being so nice.” She sniffles, “You’re being so nice and you’ve been so nice from the beginning and I’ve been nothing but a bitch!” You’re surprised as she starts to sob, going to sit on her bed. 

“Hey, hey,” you follow to sit next to her, “Don’t cry, Momo” you reach to grab a tissue from the table beside her bed to hand to her, “I know you’re not really that way. You had every right to act that way to me in the beginning, I was a stranger and I saw you in a very vulnerable situation.” 

She starts to wipe her nose, “I was so mean and you still decided to help me! You gave me the money and you stepped in for me for tonight. I don’t deserve it!” Her crying continues and you sigh.

“I’m in a position to be able to help you, Momo. It doesn’t matter how you acted then, okay? I’ve seen your true self and I’m more than happy to help.” You nod, smiling at her and her crying finally starts to calm. “I hope you know how grateful I am.” She blows her nose and you give her a bigger smile. “Of course.” “And I really owe you one.” She adds and you chuckle, “Just make sure my makeup looks stage worthy tonight please.” She finally laughs and gets up to continue to get your ready before Minho come to get you.

"Perfect," She lets out as she places the final touches of lipstick on, a deep red you're not not used to and find yourself staring at the mirror in shock. "Do I look alright?" You ask, feeling uncertain under the dark makeup.

"You look beautiful!" She answers, throwing her makeup back in her bag. Swallowing hard, you decide if you could be subtle or not, "Does Minho usually like makeup like this?"

Momo's movements freeze as she glances at you, "Minho?" You feel your face flush as you try to shake it off, "Nevermind, I just-" She cuts you off, "You like him don't you?"

You study her face for a moment, trying to tell if the truth was the best answer. "I-yes I do. I like him, I'm sorry". She lets out a chuckle, "Why are you apologizing?" she moves to sit next to you as you speak again, "I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't like him, that it's wrong".

Momo only frowns at you, "Why would it be wrong?" You ponder the question yourself, why does it feel wrong? Because it feels one sided? Because you thought he hated you until not long ago? Because he kissed you but hasn't mentioned anything since?

You shrug instead, "He kissed me". She looks at you as if you were lying to her, "He kissed you?" You want to lick your lips but you remind yourself of the makeup, "Yeah, when we were at the lake".

The girl beside you hums, moving to fix a strand of hair she had worked for an hour on, her silence only making you more nervous. Maybe you shouldn't have confessed, that the kiss you both shared was meant to stay a secret.

A knock on the door interrupts you two, Minho peaking in before either of you could answer, "All ready?"

"Yep!" Momo stands, going to greet him, you stand on your own as he gives her a kiss on her cheek, finally moving to look at you. You look for something on his face that might tell how he thinks you look, that might make you feel slightly less ridiculous in the heavy makeup you weren't used to, but there's nothing. Minho only nods before turning to Momo again, "Well, we'll be off. Have a good meeting tonight".

Your stomach drops but you bring a smile to your face as Momo looks to you, "I'm so nervous". She smiles shyly but Minho squeezes her shoulder, "It's okay, it'll be worth it". She nods at him before turning to you, "Thank you again, for everything."

Nodding your head, you clear your throat, "I'm happy to help".

"Okay," she breathes out, moving to open her door for you and Minho, "Good luck".

You’re still on an adrenaline high as you walk back to Minho's car after the performance. Your heart is pounding and your palms still clammy but most of all you feel relieved.

You did it! You actually performed a full routine, with minimal mistakes, but you made it nonetheless. 

It was late at night now, only you and Minho walking outside to the staff parking, still hearing the lively show going on inside. You still feel giddy after everything as you both make your way through the gravel of the parking lot, so much so that when your heel gets caught and you slip out of your shoe you merely laugh.

Minho looks at you worriedly, moving to pick up your shoe. But a smile breaks on his face as he notices your good mood, leaning down to help you put your shoe back on. You gulp when he grasps your hand when we stands back up, both of you walk the rest of the way to his car. Rather than get inside, Minho stops in front of you, your back pressed against the black vehicle, his hand still grasping yours.

"Thank you," He speaks softly, "For everything you've done for us. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner". A smile tugs on your lips as you shake your head, "There's no need, I'm happy to help".

You see him swallow before his eyes move down to glance at your lips. At that moment you decided you've waited long enough for another chance to kiss him, so with adrenaline coursing through your veins you make the first move. Leaning up slightly and moving your free hand to place on his neck, you press your lips against his.

There's a split second where your nervous he'll reject your advances, but it doesn't last long as Minho immediately returns your kiss, hand that isn't grasping yours moving to hold onto your hip. You kiss him urgently, desperate to feel like you did back at the lake, for his warmth to take over your mind. He pushed his body closer to yours, trapping you between him and the car and you attempt to bring him closer if at all possible.

Feeling daring, you tentatively poke your tongue to swipe at his bottom lip, but he pulls away. Breathing deeply as he takes you in before letting out a chuckle, he moves to check around the parking lot making sure you're alone. He moves to open the back seat of his car, raising his eyebrows before he waits for you to climb in.

It's cramped as he climbs in after you, but you would do anything to be close to him. As he situates himself back on the seat, he beckons for you to climb atop his lap. You rearrange your stage dress to help you sit comfortably on him, huffing at how difficult it was to move. At your frustration Minho looks at you with a smirk, hand coming up to move some hair that had fallen loose from your updo. "You look beautiful," he confesses and you swallow hard, had you ever heard a compliment from him before?

"You don't think I look silly with all this on my face?" You ask, think before hand he hadn't been impressed with the look. He shakes his head, "You look amazing. Now and even when you're sweating like crazy when you were learning the routine".

You bring a hand up to cup his face, not being able to believe what he was saying. Had he really felt this way all this time? But you don't want to think now, you only want to feel, to feel him and to feel the feelings you weren't sure you should be having. You move to kiss him again, much softer than before but he moves to meet you nonetheless, hands encircling your waist.

The kisses you share grow deeper and his tongue finds its way to meet yours. Both of them moving together almost desperately, leaving the sound of them echoing in the cramped car. Unable to help himself, Minho moves one of his hands up your torso slowly, tracing over the pattern of your dress before he meets your chest. He stills for a moment before moving to grope you over the fabric, the sounds you make spilling into his mouth.

A sudden burst of laughter causes you both to break with a start, you hitting your head on the roof of the car as you jolt. The noisy group next to you gets into their own car and drives away leaving you both breathing heavily at the interruption.

Minho chuckles, moving to rub your head where it had hit, "I guess we should be getting back". You nod, chuckling as you move to wipe the smeared lipstick that has made its way from your lips to his.

Whereas Minho makes his way to the front to start driving, you’ve opted to stay into the backseat to change out of your performance dress and into regular clothes so you could go straight to your room once you arrived. 

It was a slow process trying to get your dress off in a moving car but you tried to get yourself as steady as possible.

“You did great today, you know.” Minho speaks up over the soft hum of the radio. You chuckle starting to slip the sleeves off your shoulders, “I missed a step about 5 times, it’s a miracle I didn’t step on your foot.” You did make minor mistakes, as would be expected from your first ever performance and only learning for a couple weeks, but they were so minor the audience didn’t even notice.

“No, no. You did amazing.” He reassures you. Your dress is finally off and you grab your shirt to throw on, turning to look at Minho to thank him. But as you do, you make eye contact with the boy in the rearview mirror, his head snapping away once you catch him. You don’t say a word, silently slipping your shirt on. When you look at his ears you see they’ve become red as they peek through his hair at being caught looking at you changing. You climb back over the seat to return to your spot in the passenger's seat, biting your lip to contain a laugh that threatens to slip at how fidgety Minho has become. 

Ever since the performance ended, it seems as though a huge weight was lifted off both of your shoulders. The air between the two of you feels much different than before. You find yourself hoping things would be different now, from the kiss at the lake to the backseat of his car, surely they were enough for you both to have something, you couldn't be alone in your feelings.

You turn to look at the window as you get closer to the resort. You don’t know what Minho is thinking or feeling and it drives you crazy, but what you do know is you don’t want to separate from the boy tonight.

Minho drives his car up near the staff housing, finding his usual spot before putting it in park. You stay seated and he gets out himself and makes his way around the car to open your door for you. You give him a sweet smile as you join him outside the car, not moving much except to allow him to shut the door. 

It seems he’s in no rush to leave either as he stays planted in front of you. 

The moon is the only light provided outside at this time of night but even so, it was bright enough for you to see Minho’s beautiful eyes. His eyes that were only glued on you. 

You watch silently as they move across your face, though you don’t feel a bit self conscious, your heart still races being under his gaze. 

You feel the warm tips of his fingers brush against yours, merely feeling the pressure of them together before he fully laces them together. 

You’ve held Minho’s hand in yours countless amounts of times over the weeks of dancing, yet nothing could even prepare you for the feeling of sharing his touch tonight. 

You lift your head up more in order to observe the boy just as he observes you, smiling even more as he moves his thumb to graze over your hand. 

It’s all very peaceful, the cool summer night quiet, nothing but some bugs chirping in the grass. 

But a noise breaks through the peacefulness, you both turn to look at the sound of the gravel crunching next to you. You squint at the person making their way over and as he comes closer you realize it’s Jeongin.

“Minho!” He yells out of breath as he runs to get the boys attention. 

“Hurry, come quick,” he pants “It’s Momo!”

You enter Momo's room after the boys and immediately gasp at the sight. Momo is laid on her bed in the middle of the room, sweat evident on her whole body and he twists and turns, obviously uncomfortable with the groans leaving her mouth.

There’s another girl by her side, pressing a washcloth to her forehead. “What the hell happened?!” Minho yells, moving over as quickly as he came to Momo's side. “It-it was her boyfriend!” Jeongin stumbles out. Minho looks at his cousin confused, “I thought he came to take her to the program?”

The girl beside her speaks up, “He insisted on taking one last hit before they left, you know how she can’t refuse him. But once he saw how she reacted he left!” Jeongin chims in, “He took the fucking money and was gone without a word! His shit must have been laced with something” His anger and worries making him red in the face. 

“Fuck,” the dancer reaches to move Momo’s hair out if her face trying to gain her attention, “It’s much worse than before because she’s been clean these past weeks leading up to the program.”

You stand near the entrance feeling helpless. There was only one way you could think to help her. It was a risk but if it meant helping Momo you would do it. You quickly turn and run out the door.

Your dad follows you in a rush, doctor bag in hand, as you lead him to Momo’s room.

You don’t give him any details other than one of your friends urgently needed his help. He comes without question.

You open the door for him but choose to stay outside while he does his work. And moments later Jeongin and Minho join you on the porch, only the girl staying in order to not crowd Momo. 

Out of the three of you, no one utters a word the whole time. Only worried tension fills the air as you all pace the area and wait to hear any news about her.

It’s sometime later that your dad finally comes out of her room. Wiping his hand on a handkerchief, he speaks to no one in general, “She should be fine now. The medicine I gave her has helped but she’ll be pretty tired for the next 12 or so hours.” He puts the wipe back in his pocket, “She needs to get help soon though, proper help that is.” He nods his head back towards her door, “I gave her the information for a rehab in the city, if you care about your friend you’ll make sure she’ll check it out.”

Minho lets out a relieved sigh and more toward your father with his hand outstretched wanting to meet his, “Thank you, really, sir. I can’t thank you enough.” But your father merely glances down at the boy's hand before moving towards the steps, obviously having no intention to shake it, “Make sure she drinks a lot of water and eats something, preferably bread.” He makes his way on the steps and calls out your name, “Lets go. And take that stuff off of your face before your mother sees you.” He calls referring to your stage makeup. 

You swallow hard, glancing back at Jeongin and Minho who are just as surprised as you are at your father's actions. 

You reluctantly turn to follow the man before you can cause any more trouble.

Taglist: @linocvp1d @blankdyean @adeards @lomllino @brooklynie @noellllslut @djeniryuu @eternitywaveshello @drhsthl @urmomma0324 @stormy-skies-falling @dinonuguaegi

Copyright © 2023 by nczennie. All rights reserved.

🌼 All feedback is appreciated and welcomed 🌼

[cowgurrrl]

Okay I’ve shouted them from the rooftops a few times but I want to make a conducive list so welcome to

June’s writing advice!!

You may be asking, “why are you qualified?” The answer is I’m not. Everyone writes and processes storylines differently. However, I did just graduate with my BA in English, I’ve been a writer for fourteen years, and I’ve been published ten times (and counting). This advice may not work for everyone and that’s okay but this is just a list of things that I’ve done that help me!

1. If you’re having writer’s block, you’ve probably gotten in your head about what an audience would think of your work. Take a break and think about what you think would be the most fun to write and write it. At the end of the day, the pride and joy you get from your craft is the most important.

2. No writing is ever wasted. Did you know gardeners will reuse rotten tomatoes in their compost to make their next batch of tomatoes taste/grow better? The new tomatoes wouldn’t be what they are without the old tomatoes. No “good” piece of writing can ever be what it is without the “bad” writing.

3. Adding onto that: if you wrote it down, it’s worth keeping! Create and keep a “graveyard” doc where all your cut/deleted writing can go. Even if it doesn’t make it into the final draft, it can always end up fitting somewhere else.

4. Everyone is on their own creative journey. Don’t be a dick. Be kind or shut up.

5. Working on multiple wips at the same time is actually great for preventing writer’s block! When you get stuck on one piece, you can always move to work on the other while your plot works itself out in the background. Write anything and everything you want.

6. In my personal opinion, using “said” or “asked” is not a bad thing. So often, we are taught to use other words like “shouted” “whispered” “clamored” “questioned” etc. However, I find that my brain gets taken out of what I’m reading if there’s too many uncommon verbs. Using a “whisper” or a “scream” is fine every once in a while, but normally, using “said” or “asks” is easier on people’s brains. So much so that you don’t even realize it when you’re reading until you’re looking for it!

7. Read your dialogue out loud to make sure it sounds natural. Sometimes you don’t realize how clunky a sentence is until you hear it!

8. Holy shit give your characters flaws. The best characters and plot lines that stick with people for years are the ones where not everything is black or white. People love to debate morals when it comes to characters. For example, one time I wrote an argument between two of my characters in an original work I’m still working on and my creative writing classmates got into a twenty-minute argument during workshop on who was right and who was wrong. When they finally asked me, I said, “they’re both wrong.” But didn’t give them a reason why. They hated and loved it lol. Give your readers something to debate.

9. Make it fun! Create a playlist, draw a storyboard, make a Pinterest board, make a list of people you would cast in the live-action version of your story. I like using Unreal Engine to create a 3D model for my characters to help me visualize them and be able to describe their facial expressions. Basically, do whatever it is that makes you a little more excited to write!

10. Know that it is no small feat to pull out the most divine pieces of yourself for the world to judge. Writing is one of the most intimate things I’ve ever had the opportunity to share and it’s changed my life. People want to hear what you have to say and they want to root for you and your characters. Create community. Support each other. Write whatever you want. Be kind. The world needs more kind writers like you.

[because-she-goes]

chocolate

warnings: none, just fluff. Enjoy!

What do you get for the boy on the other side of planet who has everything he could ever possibly want. What do you get the girl all the way back in America who could simply thrift or create whatever she needed.

The answer they both came up with was flowers. Matty’s being a classic romantic and liked red roses. Nora loved daisies and how summery they were. They also decided on dessert deliveries. Matty sent muffins for his muffin and Nora sent him the unreal brownies he loved from her place in New York.

So, now here we are. April 8th, 2017. Matty’s 28th.

Matty woke up that morning in his London home, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. They had started work on the next album, still untitled. Him and George were pulling late nights and drinking too many redbulls. His plaid pants hung low on his hips and he pulled on a robe, his house freezing. Going to make his morning cup of tea, he starts checking his phone for any overnight emails or texts from Jamie… he sees a missed call from Nora from last night at about 10pm - 3am London time. He checks the clock and sees its only about 5:30am there, Nora won’t be up for hours. Other than that, no immediate fires that need to be put out. Sipping his tea, he walks to the front door and grabs his newspapers - all the boys collecting them for album material. He loves these types of mornings - slow, relaxed, sleepy. He just wishes Nora could be with him, she had a work meeting tonight with a friend she had who was interested in commissioning something. She told him she would be getting the next flight out of New York in 2 days. He couldn’t wait. Her presence alone making the concrete house feel warm and comforting - like raspberry iced tea and summer time. He worked on a demo for a few hours and by the time lunch rolled around, his doorbell rang. Who could that be? He didn’t order anything and wasn’t expecting anyone. Matty swung the door open, and didn’t see the royal mail person there. Just a box with a note. Looking around again, shrugging his shoulders and picking up the box wrapped in twine with his name and address in a beautiful caligraphy.

Taking the package up to his kitchen, he unwraps it and the note falls to the ground. He takes the card and unfolds it. He inhales sharply when he recognizes the handwriting.

“To My Matthew,

Happiest of birthdays, Handsome! I am sorry I could not be there in person, but figured in the interim before my arrival you’d like a little piece of me. I love you so much, more than the English language will ever be able to articulate. I organized some things to arrive for you today so hopefully you like them. The first of which is a package of brownies from the bakery you love down the street from me, and before you even ask I did get the oreo ones you go nuts for. Don’t spoil your appetite, handsome… the boys’ll be round later to take you out. Have fun and again, I love you more than you’ll ever know.

Xx always,

Your Nora”

Matty was misty eyed, no-one had ever thought to send him something overseas when he was away. No girlfriend ever going that far for him. Putting that out of his brain, not wanting to get too emotional this early in the afternoon he tore open the box of brownies. The decadent smell of chocolate and candy filling the space around him, Matty thew his head back in bliss. “You’ve done it again, Downey!” He says to the universe - hoping someway she hears him. Munching on the brownie, he calls her.

“Well, good morning birthday boy! Gotten any of your gifts so far?” Her peach sweet voice comes through the line after a few rings.

“And a lovely afternoon to you, Honey! Yes actually, the brownies just came. Half already gone I’d like to report. Best brownies ever! What else is in store may I ask, beloved?”

“Oh, you’re good Matthew. I will be honest, I may have ordered a pack for myself to get delivered to the studio later. They truly are god’s gift to baking. As for the rest of the agenda, that is for me to know and for you to find out. Wouldn’t exactly be a birthday surprise if you knew, now would it, Handsome?”

“No it wouldn’t, Darling… Just know that when June rolls around and I’m locked away in a writing dungeon, I am gonna outdo whatever you have 10 fold.”

“You got yourself a challenge, Handsome.” She smiles. “Okay, I gotta run. I love you baby and happy birthday, I’ll be there before you know it.”

“Okay, good luck, Honey! I love you and am counting down the minutes.”

With that, another ring of the door bell comes as Matty hangs up the phone. Before him he sees a floral van and a young girl nervously holding a delicate bouquet of red roses and what look to be little bits of eucalyptus and white hydrangea. Oh, she knows him way too well, he thinks as he opens the door to the teenager.

“A Matty Healy?”

“I’m him! Thank You, doll. Have a good day!” He says to the girl as he tips her a few pounds and shuts the door softly. He grabs a vase and holds the flowers to his nose, he sighs in content. She really does know him incredibly well, a perfectly beautiful yet subtle arrangement.

Matty enjoys the rest of his day, texting her a picture of the brownie box now empty once the boys came and the flowers in their vase on his kitchen table. He blushed as she sent a kiss emoji and a “all for you, birthday boy <3”. Maybe 28 wasn’t going to be so terrible after all.

June in New York, Nora Downey turned 25 as the clocks struck 3:51am on the 16th.

She awoke quite differently than her other half. She slept through her alarm and wokd up a whole hour later for an appointment with her therapist. Calling the office, she rescheduled for the following day and was told it wasn’t any issue. Deciding to grab some coffee and swing by the local bookstore for her monthly magazine grab. Getting some copies of i-D magazine, DORK, Rolling Stone, British Vogue and British GQ. Heading back home excitedly to read her magazines, she gets a call from Matty.

“Hey baby, hows your birthday going? Doing anything fun today?” She smiles at his voice and the petname.

“Uhh, just heading home to read some magazines and things. Then maybe go to my painting and wine class!” He wishes he could be with her, but things with the album and the guys wanting to go to the countryside for the summer to write and work was just getting a little hectic. He does appreciate though that she is atleast doing something for her day, she raves about these wine and paint classes she started years ago. He still kept his plan of sending her a little something to her apartment, but she must have not seen it yet.

“Oh, that sounds fun! Me and the guys were gonna drive up north today and work at that studio I mentioned last week. Maybe I can facetime later and we can have a little virtual dinner date, yeah?”

“Sounds lovely, Handsome. I’m almost home by the way so sorry if this cuts out or if I go quiet trying to get upstairs.”

“Not a problem, take your time, Muffin.”

Getting to her building and clicking the button for the elevator she is shocked when she reaches her door.

“Healy, what have you done? Oh my god, don’t tell me you actually went through with the thing I joked about in Apri…”

“Oh, yes I did, Baby! Hope you love them, gotta run! Happy Birthday and I love you most!”

“Impossible, Handsome!”

Hanging up, grabbing the gorgeous bouquet of roses and daisies and the box she slides her keys in and kicks the door open. Knocking it closed, she carefully puts down the gifts on her entry table next to her key dish. Running to grab the cold champagne she keeps in case of emergencies from her fridge, a glass and a vase she makes me way back to the entry for the flowers. Setting the vase down on the living room table, she fills it with water and the flowers. Pouring her champagne, getting the box and magazines she sets up her afternoon. Nora goes to her bedroom, slides off her overalls and throws on a flannel shirt she stole from Matty and jean shorts. Gathering her hair in a ponytail and walking back to her idea of heaven, she sits comfortably on the couch. Snapping a picture of her and her treasures, she sends it to Matty - fully knowing its gonna drive him crazy that she’s in his shirt alone in her apartment.

“Couldn’t ask for a better start to 25 xx” She presses send and takes a bite of the incredible chocolate swirl muffins. She couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend.

[justtryingtogetmybrainright]

Had a very triggering S/A dream that kept starting over and over lastnight. I havent felt this unreal and like im outside my body in a minute. My brain feels… foggy.

One thing I can look forward to today is, working out. First day back in the gym in years. I’m excited to make this change to my body. I deserve to feel good about myself and have a feeling this will really help in doing that.

I’m going back to school in the fall. I feel this should help me feel good about myself as well.

I had to ask my dad a very serious question the other day. “You’ve known me my whole life. Answer me seriously. Do you think i’ve done nothing with my life ?” And he sort of scoffed as in he couldnt believe I asked it. And said “No.” and I said “Really? Even with how old I am, dont you think I should have a degree by now?” And he said “I also didn’t have a degree til my 30’s as well.”

I thanked him and told him I loved him. I walked back into my room and held back tears, only because I had just put make up on. And I went back out there, still having a small bit of doubt in my mind. I asked “And you’re not saying that because you’re trying to not hurt my feelings right? You genuinely believe I have done something with my life so far?” And he looked annoyed (because I obviously showed I didnt believe him) and he said “Yes. I believe you had.” I thanked him and told him that I just have been feeling this way about myself.

The thing is… I knew I have done something with my life. I’ve done many things. I’ve gone through so much and came out on top of it all. Not saying I’m fixed or completely healed. But I knew I had done the best for myself when I was able to move home, back to the place that completely broke me, where I broke myself. I was able to look at it head on and say to myself(and believe it)”I got this. I’ll be okay. Because I have every tool I need to be the best me I can be. I can get through nearly everything.”

Being a spiritual person has helped me in ways I can not imagine. That’s a subject that will definitely need a whole separate post. But these are my thoughts at the moment. Have a good day. If anyone reads this.

[keepthesethoughtsinsideyou]

3/20/2023

I didn't think my heart could be more broken. That Twitter post felt...malicious. Mean. But then again, I think you have already basically written me out of your thoughts and heart. So the idea that i still follow you. That I didn't want this. That my feelings didn't change. How hurtful the titling of that would be to me? Who am I? Just some dude now haha. I still cant believe how things went. I think about us video chatting and you trying all the underwear on that you bought with that gift card I got you for xmas. My stupid note that some of the card had to be used on thongs. what a idiot haha. I just knew your butt would look great in them. I was right. But now your new boyfriend is getting those pics. In the underwear I essentially bought you. ugh. I don't know what i expected. This situation was never perfect to be honest. In some ways, it was. To meet someone that you've known before. You’ve kissed before. You’ve made love to before. That shit was unreal. I don't think my brain ever quite understood it. Idk that every person is equipped to experience the cosmic. Especially to like, not have it mess with them. But then you have these people brought together but at a imperfect time in each of their lives. Yeah, I helped you realize what real love feels like. What you deserved. Helped you fast track getting into marriage counseling. And i think it was really the counseling that helped you realize the horrendous things that had been put on you for years by your now husband. Sucks that your new boyfriend Andi gets tagged with being the one to help you realize that. I remember the Monday after getting back from that weekend in December. And you were CHANGED. Meeting me changed you. You realized you had never felt that safe, loved, cared for. Your words. And you realized, holy shit I’ve been in a crumby relationship for 6 years. I do wish you had listened to my concerns about Chad early on in our talking. But I can understand I guess. I was in love with you. And I think it was easier to think, eh. He’s just jealous. Than to acknowledge the physical abuse & r@pe. I blame myself. Not for those things happening. They’d been going on long before we met. But I think, maybe if i had been able to express my worry in a different way. Hell, i WAS jealous. That dude did not deserve you in any way, shape or form. And everything he’s done since your breaking up has show that he is a bad person. And I really question if he didn't know he had HSV. At this point, I would not put it past the guy. But yeah, I wish i could've expressed things in a way that didn't come off jealous. But honestly, I don't think you were ready to see and understand what had happened and had been happening. And i really don't think me conveying my worries in a less jealous way would've had you seen the truth. Its fucking awful. I just think, christ. We started talking September 1st and i KNEW this guy was bad news then. And I really wish I could've made you see so you never got married. Now you have to go through VA’s laws regarding separation first for 6 months THEN divorce. You have to keep your relationship with Andi a secret essentially. Chad always seemed so disconnected from the relationship. I hope he doesn't see your Twitter and think, “whos ‘he’?” I worry what that fucker will try with the divorce. He’s already attempted to defame your character. Blaming you finding your own sexuality and creating this yarn that your and Andi’s relationship is why the marriage fell apart. Which, if the world fucking knew what HE did to you? They wouldn't believe ANY of his shit. But yeah, its really hurtful that you have made Andi your savior in seeing what was going on. Because per your own words, I was the catalyst for you getting everything going that made you realize what was truly going on. It’s so messed up that your relationship with Andi is essentially starting on this like, pile of lies almost. What would Andi say if he knew about us? Knew you were cheating on your husband with me. Knew that you were going to try to use your husband creating a open relationship not to be with Andi, but so maybe you and I could actually be together. Andi doesn't know anything about you and I. No one does in your life. You never told Lolly/Fenne. Granted, I told you that you didn't need to. But dude, you didn't need my permission. haha. Christ. It was a constant weight on my that i was the dirty lil secret. But I know that was unfair in alot of ways because the only person I told was my Mom. Man, I sort of wish I kept it like that hahaha. I admittedly kind of cracked when you chose Andi over me. I had just driven down to see you. And I would've driven straight through to Richmond. I didn't have to stay in Hershey, PA. Yeah, I didn't want to lose the money I had spent on the hotel for us. But I would've driven straight to you to try to salvage things. Show you the truth. God i really had hoped you would meet me for lunch that Saturday. i KNEW once we were together you'd see the truth. I wasn't perfect. I still am not. Christ I am trying. Trying through the worst grief I have experienced since my father died unexpectedly from COVID. But still fucking trying man. And i just knew you would see you were wrong about me and us. Man, I felt so positive after that weekend. Truly, i felt...powerful. We were powerful. I’ve never felt that way before. For me, I really felt like i solidified how special we were and how we are supposed to be together. And that we could work on things. I was so fucking positive that we could get back to where we were but BETTER and STRONGER. But i didn't know about you and Andi. I didn't know that you had been getting feelings for him behind my back. And all the while that was happening, you started focusing on the negatives of you and I that needed work...but without ever disclosing the work that needed done. The things i was doing that were weighing on you. Focusing on how easy Andi was. Comparing and contrasting him and I. Its just...unfair. But hey, life isn't fair. While I thought my coming to see you would show you i would  go to the ends of the earth for you and us, I think much like my first visit, it kind of shocked you. Fuck, he was right about us feeling the same. Fuck, he really will change. He really will do anything for me and us. Honestly man, I couldn't have known you would've been jumping into a relationship before your marriage was even officially over. You talked about yourself being a serial monogamous relationship person. Your relationship would end. Maybe a month goes by, and you're already in another long term relationship. But when you talked about it with me, you spoke like it was a negative trait. And with your marriage ending, you spoke about wanting to be single and find yourself. I genuinely believed you. It does stink that I’ll never know what really was happening. With you confessing about Andi, and your feelings and committing to him exclusively almost immediately, it really makes me question why the concept of us was always pushed back. 8 months and we will see. Etc. But if I think about all the stuff you didn't talk to me about, and kept to yourself and kind of dumped on me when everything ended, i might go crazy. Hell, I already have gone pretty crazy over this. haha. I finally told people about us. One night I was honestly losing it. I didn't and don't understand how something that feels absolutely...cosmic? otherworldly? How it could be cast aside. I reached out to a friend Brittany. I knew she was into astrology and some different things. Her and I had been pseudo romantically linked but ended up just being friends. And that was cool. Doesn't usually happen. But we got along really well. She had moved to PA to be with her BF, now husband, but prior to that we had been coworkers for a bit. But I reached out and basically said I had been going through such a crazy situation for the last 6 months, and i really wished she was around to talk to about it because I felt crazy. And she was receptive and idk why but i told her a bunch. The choice nugs, if you will. But omg she told me I wasn't crazy. She brought up stuff about twin flames? I had NEVER heard of this shit in my life. She said this situation was VERY special. Said it didn't sound like we were soulmates because some things i described don't track with those i guess. But she said regardless. Most people will never meet a soulmate, let alone a twin flame. And she said its even MORE unlikely to find one of those that also has a romantic element. She said i should feel very lucky and special. It’s definitely hard to feel that way when you chose someone else. haha. But god. Reading up that next day on twin flames? I was CRYING in my office. There were things there that Brittany hadn't mentioned but OMG did they mirror you and I. Trying to be rational, I was trying not to play into that. But omg some of it was so compelling I found myself messaging you. You probably already knew about twin flames. I hadn't thought about that at the time. How you are already aware of alot of these things. I’m sorry for that. Guess I worry about things. Alot of it tracks but the seemingly inevitable point in the twin flame relationship where flaws in the partner are pointed out. And then looking into twin flame breaks? How it can feel like a death? omg that's what I’m still going through. But everything i have read has basically said that this is the time and chance for self improvement. The breaking of the twin flames is supposed to lead both to focusing on bettering themselves, and truly working on their personal flaws that the other has pointed out to you. I know what I have to work on. You had made it clear. But that last message I sent you. The one i regret. You know the one. I think that may have put a magnifying glass over some of your own flaws. And things you weren't ready to acknowledge. I think it was easy to have me be the bad guy. The end. but when i was like, yo. these things are kind of messed up. Idk, just think it was too much. Now you are telling me not to message you again until August. Will I? idk. Will i message you before then? god i think about that all the time. What's the point if you will just leave me on read? And who knows if you wont leave me on read in August. But I guess the thing is Courtney, if this time is supposed to be for each of us to work on these flaws and improve ourselves, how are you going to do any of that while throwing yourself into another potential long term relationship? I hope I am not the only one that's going to work on themselves. I think about how i spoke to you and conveyed my thoughts and pain and hurt. I hate myself for it. But at some point, god i hope you realize it takes two people to make a relationship work. And without open communication and honestly, how can you improve anything? Can you work on your own flaws while focusing on another relationship? Without even recovering from your marriage ending? I know you are supposed to start therapy next month. I hope a professional can help guide you. I am actively looking for a therapist. I would like one that understands spiritual relationships but that's probs a reach. Idk if you and i are twin flames. I don't want to say we are. The similarities are fucking fairly uncanny though. And regardless of label, what you and i have (yes, have. not had) is something next level. Brittany got REALLY new age on me. Divine Timelines. Past Lives. Cosmic Guides. It was all so much. idk what I do or don't believe. But with so much of what she said linking to you and I, i would be lying if i said that I have not been speaking to my guides every day. Every time I miss you. Every time my heart aches. Every time i just want to die and give up. I just talk to them. Does that make me crazy? Maybe. I just ask them for guidance and let them know I am open to it. I am open to see the signs. I bring up all the signs they showed you. And I ask for them to show me signs that lead me on the path I should take. God typing that makes me sound unhinged haha. In those moments, it gives me temporary solace. With all the cosmic signs you were shown, I have to believe there is something bigger to you and I. In my heart, i hope they are showing you signs all the time now. Things ramped up as your marriage approached and during your honeymoon. The eerie shit where it was like, there's no way this isn't purposeful. Brittany said alot clearly. haha. But one thing she said is that these guides will send you undeniable signs. And the more you ignore them, the more they will show you. That feels like your honeymoon like omg. You knew you shouldn't have been with him. You knew something unreal was happening between us, but you still went forward with the marriage. And they showed you. Just like when I left in December. They were trying to tell you, you need to follow Matt. Well, maybe not follow, but that there is something there with me. That's my thoughts anyway. You were able to reject these seemingly cosmic signs then, and I cant really imagine you giving them weight/credence now that you have your new boyfriend and relationship. I do want you happy. But man. Rebounds are a thing. And from what youve told me? Like, EVERY relationship you've had is a rebound because you never actually have that time to yourself to go over the relationship. I hope the therapist can help you. God I hope I can find one and they can help me. Regardless of you and I, this has put such a magnifying glass over me. My flaws. I feel like, if only i was perfect. If only I hadn't created my negative coping mechanisms. If only i didn't have bi polar. If only i didn't have an anxiety disorder. If only. But who knows. None of those things are excuses. And at some point you have to realize your faults and work on yourself. It sucks feeling like losing my person, a piece of myself. The part of me i didn't know i was missing but once i found, i felt like, more complete. it sucks that this fucking traumatic event is what will lead to growth. But I am sure you feel that way about your marriage too. And I am forever sorry I couldn't save you from it. If I follow the twin flame theory, this was always supposed to happen. The thing that sucks is there is no way of knowing what happens. We work, we become better. I become someone you can actually imagine being with. Having a future and life and family. All the things you told me over and over again. And then taking back in a heartbeat. But it still doesn't mean anything necessarily. Apparently meeting a twin flame can just be to lead to bettering yourself. If that's the case, I would just say, how unfair that there had to be romantic feelings connected to us. To know in my heart, i will never love another human as i love you. And to know it could be all over forever. How does one go on knowing there perfect person is out there and not with them? I guess we will see. August feels so far away. And yet it feels like not enough time. I don't feel like me working on myself is enough. Like when we reconnect, i worry if I am not 100% fixed, you wont give me the time of day. I know the changes are supposed to be for me. But its so hard working to make yourself better when you have never liked yourself. Its alot easier when you have this amazing woman there for you somewhere down the line. And this life that you've always dreamed of in your sights. A goal. A finish line. Feeling the loss and grief that I do right now, its hard to make positive strives. Especially if the only person I am doing it for is me. Because right now, I don't like me. Can you imagine not liking yourself already, and then someone who is like, your one. Your other half. Cosmic partner. Whatever you want to call it. That person ends things, picks someone else over you because that person is better (when you already have abandonment issues and feelings of not being worthy or good enough for you) and basically tells you, its all your fault. Can you imagine liking yourself enough to do ANYTHING with only your own self betterment in mind? It’s so hard. And honestly, even if you wont acknowledge me, i still feel like I will check in with each personal goal post i reach. Cause this might be one of the hardest things I have ever been faced with. And whether you and me romantically are through forever, or there is some chance. Regardless of that. I want you to know that you matter to me. And the loss of you, was a wake up call. I wish I worked on all of this sooner Courtney. You cant know how much I wish it. But much like you realizing your relationship needed to end only happened once you met me, I think you breaking things of and choosing another man over me was the catalyst for my own personal growth. I hate that it happened this way. Because in a alternate timeline where I had already worked on myself, maybe you would've chose me. I would've been good enough. I don't know. I’ll never know. But god I want to show you who I should've been all along. And I hope you welcome me back into your life in SOME form. How you could go from “i cant ever imagine not talking to you and having you in my life” to where we are now in such a short period of time is staggering to me. But I know this is my fault. And I have to try to not focus so much on the past. I cant change how i was. Or the negative moments between us. But I can become who I should've always been for me and you and us, and remember the magic. That magic will never die. You will see. 

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send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by

feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.

❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368��� ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

[soleilnomoon]

theft ; sanji x reader.

3k words, afab reader (no pronouns), nsfw

cw: alcohol/drinking, idk sex i guess you figure it out

fic request for @strawhatsoraya, u are so patient while i give tiny bits of chaos

note: a spiritual successor to this

what starts as you whining to sanji that you want the perfect midnight snack, quickly turns into you goading him to drink with you, which then leads to both of you trapped in purgatory — not tipsy, not quite drunk—thus ending with your fifth complaint of the night.

“and then, and then,” you say, words slurring together a bit in your eagerness to tell your story, “and then when i asked if we were done with training, he laughed and said,” you straighten up in your chair, clear your throat, and let the alcohol lead your imitation of the irritable, tyrant of a swordsman. “‘we haven’t even gotten started’...he’s the worst!”

the impersonation is only finished when you start swinging around an imaginary sword. swallowing back a laugh, sanji grins behind his wine glass, savoring the way the liquid sends a comfortable warmth through his body. it makes everything light, airy, funny. although, if he’s honest, you’ve always been able to make him laugh like that. 

after your fourth glass of wine, he cuts you off. you complain loudly—much too loud, he almost shushes you, but the wine dulls his movements—and shake your empty wine glass at him in dismay. 

“how could you?” you ask, tone every bit as accusatory as it’s meant to be. the question has you swaying in your seat, humming to a nameless song, but he remains firm—just shakes his head, blond hair briefly covering his eyes. you don’t think as you place your glass down, lean forward, brushing those pesky strands off of his face—almost tenderly, at that. 

your touch revitalizes him. where the wine made him feel warm and lethargic, you make him feel exhilarated—alive. not so much the hasty, salacious cook that flirts with anyone he deems beautiful; instead, you get the raw version of him; vulnerable, nervous, patient in ways that seem unreal. but for you, he’ll always be that. a flush travels across his cheeks that he swears has everything to do with the wine and absolutely nothing to do with you touching him like he actually means something to you.

“you’re being dramatic,” he chides playfully, voice low as he bites into a strawberry pastry. he doesn’t want to keep talking about zoro—it already bothers him that you’re letting the idiot train you; alone, for hours sometimes.

your brows furrow at his words, but soon you smooth out your features, giving way to a coy smile that takes over your mouth. you lean forward again, taking a bite out of his pastry—almost like a consolation prize—fully expecting him to give you the sort of reactions you like to see. his expressions are so genuine, no matter his mood; you’ve never met someone who can so plainly express himself without even trying. it fascinates you, so you can’t help but tease him whenever you can. like now.

his hold falters momentarily, face burning even more, but he manages to put the remainder of the pastry down on the plate next to him. when your tongue dips out of your mouth and glides along your lips, he watches—hawk-like, in absolute want; the shame he should feel practically nonexistent as he desperately wishes to be that dusting of powdered sugar along the edge of your lip. 

he wonders if it’s the wine, or just you—that curiosity claws its way out of him, seeping into his mind, claiming whatever residual restraint he had earlier; has it always been like this?

the answer to that question slaps him repeatedly, but refuses to say it out loud; is it out of fear of rejection? no, well—maybe a little. mostly, it’s a fear of the unknown. with the others, he’s always seen a clear-cut path on how a future with them might play out. it’s mostly the romantic side of him, the idea of knowing the beginning, middle, and end of things always appealed to him.

but you? you’re a storm—destructive, unpredictable, a force that commands everyone’s attention whether they like it or not.

it unnerves him just as much as it entices him.

and when you do things like that, it confuses him; is it still confusion that drives him to brush his lips against yours, his tongue mimicking the path yours took earlier. suddenly, you’re aware of how close you’re sitting next to him—and yet it’s not nearly close enough somehow. this sort of desire has only struck you once before, and you barely recovered then. you should stop, go to bed, forget all of this—but you know you’ll be plagued with a nasty case of the what ifs and never recover.

whatever you’re about to say gets lost once he actually kisses you, disrupting the bit of sanity you’ve been holding on to. the pastry was good—savory, even—but you? you’re a delicacy he’ll never forget the taste of, even if he tries for eternity. he’ll never be able to recreate it, despite his skill level, nor does he believe he ever could.

remnants of the sweet, yet tart wine saturates his mouth; you taste it on his tongue—the one that he thrusts into your mouth the moment you part your lips for him, the one that’s smooth to the touch and melting away all of your previous worries. you crawl onto his lap, straddling him, your hips gravitating towards his, an insatiable sort of desire quickly growing inside of you. he didn’t expect to end the night with you sitting on him, but he’ll be damned if he’ll complain about it now. 

brown fingers sift through his hair—thick, soft to the touch, divine in its own right; you almost get lost in it all, the kissing hypnotizing you, transforming you into someone you don’t quite recognize. you’ve never felt so needy, so demanding—your fingers grab onto his hair, tugging him away from your lips. the look you give him is tantalizing, his slender fingers gliding down to your hips, hands cupping your ass, a palatable warmth seeping through your thin leggings. you feel dizzy, not from the wine—but from him.

you internally curse at yourself, but have no intention of stopping. it’s much too late for that now. through his lust-filled gaze, a hint of adoration lingers; it warms you in a place that you previously thought was impossible—you buried your heart a long time ago and don’t need it springing back to life.

especially when you know that you’ll only cause him heartache, and that’s the last thing you want to do.

unfortunately, your selfishness wins out; you drop kisses down to the base of his throat, taking your time to flick your tongue against his skin, sucking forcefully; his pretty skin bruises easily, you know and don’t care. and neither does he from the bulge in his pants that seemed to grow bigger. you admire your work thoughtfully, running your fingertips against each one. his breathing slows, lids lowering, long, golden brown lashes holding your interest, beckoning you to shift closer. he groans into your ear, so you decide to keep pushing.

“let’s go somewhere else,” you prompt, voice curling around him sensually; it feels forbidden, almost, but he’ll follow you to hell if you ask it of him. to his dismay, you climb off of him, your hand finding his and tugging him along. “close your eyes and follow me. it’ll be better if you’re surprised.”

he chuckles at your reasoning and agrees to follow—not that he would’ve denied you your request. he couldn’t possibly think to do that. it’s difficult at first; you're clumsy when you’re intoxicated, even with your eyes wide open. after you stumble up a flight of stairs, he loses his composure; you shush him but can’t stop the giggles slipping out of your mouth. the path you’re taking feels familiar, but he can’t put his finger on it.

you lead him through one final hallway, reaching your destination at last; it’s a tough feat, navigating in the dark while trying not to wake up your crew mates. once you lock the door behind you, you spin around and let go of his hand.

“tadaaa.”

he blinks repeatedly, eyes scoping out this secret location of yours. he takes in the various workout equipment, the row of folded, freshly washed towels, the lockers, the weights and weight bench. his confusion is cute, and you think you like him best like that. 

“what are we doing here?” he asks cautiously.

“what do you think? we’re gonna have fun, clearly.” since you talked his ear off about zoro—of all people—and he sat there and listened quietly, you figure you might as well give him a special sort of reward. you sidle up to him, hands roaming along his chest, body glued to his. “it’ll be like… our little secret, y’know?”

he doesn’t need much convincing; just the fact that you want to desecrate one of the few places that zoro frequents is enough for him. your hands tug on the waistband of his dark sweatpants, his cock hardening again in anticipation. not that he needs to know, but this has been a fantasy of yours for a while. so now whenever zoro is barking at you to do more pushups, you can think about all the ways that sanji pleasured you on the equipment.

moral compass be damned; you both want each other and you refuse to turn back. when you successfully tug his sweatpants down, watch it pool to his ankles, his boxers come next. he steps out of both, and you find yourself on your knees, mouth salivating as you take in the sight. his cock is a little longer than you’re used to, but you’ve always prided yourself in rising to every challenge that’s thrown your way. this is no exception.

you lick the bit of precum that’s seeped out, your tongue circling around his tip, savoring the feel and taste of him. he can’t believe you’re on your knees like this for him, a groan slipping out of his mouth, even as he runs his hand down his face. you look up at him mischievously before you open your mouth wider and wrap it around his cock. you use your hands for whatever you can’t fit in your mouth, doing your best to keep your throat open enough as you bob your head up and down.

his moans delight you, making the ache between your legs difficult to ignore. since you rarely wear panties to bed, your leggings are now damp, your pussy betraying you in the worst kind of way. something shifts inside of him, the tightness and warmth of your mouth and tongue driving him to thrust his hips forward. you gag a little, but that’s part of the fun, isn’t it—when you look up at him, eyes slightly glazed over, plump lips every bit as alluring as they were when they were on his lips, it’s almost like you’re saying yes, use me.

so he does.

it’s intense, the way his cock slides in and out, his hands threaded deeply in your curls, tugging on them as he fucks your mouth. your hands latch onto his thighs—hard and toned from years of fighting—nails sinking into his skin as a few tears pool down your cheek. you breathe through your nose, but you’ll gladly suffocate if it means sanji can fuck your pussy just as good. and while he’d love to cum down your throat, he has other plans for you. 

when he pulls out of you suddenly, your saliva coats his cock, a bit of drool sliding down the side of your mouth; moonlight filters in through the windows, illuminating you both, the sight one that sanji will remember for the rest of his life. he’s breathing unevenly, but he can’t stop the momentum. he pulls you off of the floor, kissing you recklessly, his blood boiling as he lets his base instincts take over. 

after tearing off the remainder of your clothes, you flash him a sly smile and make your way to the exercise bench. the bench being wide enough is your saving grace; you’re on your hands and knees before you know it, ass jiggling as you tease him with the view.

“i need help stretching,” you say playfully before he stands behind you, his soft hands rubbing along your ass, relishing in the curve and thickness of it. how you manage to keep it hidden enough during the day is a miracle, but he’s grateful—he wouldn’t be able to handle seeing it without preparation. an impish smile works its way onto his lips and he doesn’t wait around to tease you, instead opting to slide his fingers into your dripping pussy, scissoring them mercilessly, your hips pushing against his hand as you whisper his name over and over. and when he pulls them out, he admires the wetness on his lithe fingers, licking them clean. 

waste not, want not; except in his case, he just wants more.

sanji slides his cock into you, inch by inch, your moans spurring him to push in as deep as he can, the slight curve ripping a much louder moan from you. music to his ears. he takes a small breath, wanting you to adjust properly to him. incoherently, you beg him to start moving; all of this teasing is ruining you in the best way possible. he doesn’t make you wait long, however, and his hips pound against yours, your pussy tight and heavenly as his pace increases.

a saner version of yourself would ask him to slow down—for you to both take your time with each other; but you’re impossibly lost in him, especially with how hard he’s gripping your hips, a hand gliding around to rest on your back, keeping you steady as he fucks you like the world is on fire. and maybe it is; at the rate you’re going, you don’t know what day it is either. 

“a-ahh, sanji—please, i need…”

he grabs your hair, tugging you closer to him, forcing you to arch your back more, his hips snapping against yours roughly. his voice sets you ablaze, sweat trickling down your back as he gives you a much more intense workout than zoro ever could. something you might tell sanji later, if he behaves.

“what do you need, angel,” he says breathlessly, admiring the way your dark curls look wrapped around his hand.

“m-more, i n-need more.” the fact that you strung together those words is a miracle, you can barely think with how electrifying everything is. and when he angles his hips like that it touches a spot that no one’s ever touched before, it has you seeing stars; your eyes roll back and you call out his name so loudly that he gives you a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss to keep you quiet. you cum quite unexpectedly, your pussy tightening around him in a way that makes him contemplate running away with you. if you both leave the pirate life behind, you can just spend your days wrapped up in each other, without a care in the world.

a selfish dream, one that he hopes comes true one day.

when he feels that he’s close, sanji pulls his cock out of you and cums on your ass; sticky, thick, the heat warming your skin as you both pant wildly. your heart beats out of control and if he wasn’t holding you, you’d likely collapse onto the floor. your legs and thighs tremble, the ferocity with which he fucked you pushing you past the point of no return.

eventually, his mind clears enough for him and he grabs one of the towels to gently wipe you off—a kindness that he didn’t owe you, but you liked nonetheless. after spotting the exercise ball nearby, you climb off of the bench.

“i think i still need to stretch a bit more,” you say airily, leaning back against the curve of the large ball, legs open, thighs gleaming with the wetness from your arousal. insatiable, gluttonous, wanton. you clearly have a problem, but you don’t want to think about it too much. instead, all you want, is for sanji to keep up with you long enough to satisfy you both.

your fingers dip inside of your pussy and you play with yourself until he reaches you; sanji gives you a heated look, pushing your hand aside before crouching down in front of you. you almost say bon appétit, but end up chanting his name over and over, a prayer that you can’t stop saying. his mouth is lethal, descending on your pussy without remorse, tongue slipping between your folds, sliding upward and circling around your clit slowly, your sanity slipping again. you roll your hips, hands gripping his hair again, as he tongue--kisses your pussy and reminding you exactly why you like him so damn much.

when your thighs threaten to crush his head, he uses his hands to hold you still; your voice is hoarse from how loud you’re being, but you want him to know just how good he feels. it’s more than welcomed in his book, actually, making him craft love poem after love poem with his tongue. he drags orgasm after orgasm out of you, and just when you think he’ll give you a moment to breathe, he strokes himself and starts fucking you again.

it seems the exercise ball is handier than you both thought; sanji bends you this way and that, your body more pliable than you thought it would be—and, surprisingly, you’re okay with that. you’re whimpering and stuttering, body sensitive, even as he brushes his lips against your earlobe.

“shh, i know, angel. you did good.”

you just nod and nod, face burning with embarrassment—for what, you have no idea. he helps you get dressed and by the time you survey the room again, you start to laugh, realizing that y’all are nasty as hell. sanji raises a brow, confused. you hold a hand up and shake your head.

“do you think we should clean this up?”

his snort is answer enough. “no, we’ll leave that to him to deal with.”

you smack his arm lightly and head out of the room, tired with a different kind of fatigue. “you know he’s never gonna forgive you for this.”

sanji pulls you aside for a short kiss before saying, “i can live with that.”