#stupid by brendan whatever

[microcosmtoxin]

guy who only knows music from the weather on nightvale. guy who listens to any song and goes oh yeah like the weather from nightvale

[gothushi]

white horse

pairing: simon x f!reader

warnings: canon s/a, simon feeling worthless, narrative paints him as pathetic because that’s how he feels, pining, one single use of y/n

note: went in a totally different direction for this but i’m happy with it. i think he deserves the world and more. i’ve left it open to your own mind whether you’re actually in a relationship with simon or not

word count: 5k

———————♡

Hands trembling, Simon hurriedly fishes his phone from his jeans pocket. Clothes scattered on the floor, pristine motel shower, towel wrapped too tight around his waist. His heart beats so hard he fears it may just pop right out of his chest, a sick feeling in his gut as he fights back his emotions welling up. Did he go too far..?

It’s subconscious, the way he dials your phone number, anxiously listens to the ring.. ring.. until you answer with a groggy “Hello?”

He steels his nerves, inhaling sharply when he hears your voice, neck straining with the effort to not break down into pieces right there. “Did I wake you?”

“Simon?” You had answered the phone before you realized you were even awake, just now registering it’s him. “No.. no you didn’t. What’s up?” You find yourself rolling over in bed, rapidly waking up. He doesn’t call often, much to your dismay, but you understand he’s undercover and isn’t able to as much as he’d like. So, to get a call so late at night, unprompted, stirs worry in you.

He feels his breath catch in his throat, shutting his eyes for a moment, “Uh.. it’s nothing.” A half truth. It’s been six days since he last called, but it hasn’t been because he doesn’t want to. If anything, he craves the comfort of your voice. He just can’t let you know he’s not okay. That he misses you. That he craves you. “I.. I just.. wanted to check in.” Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!

He slept with Brendan. Slept with him. Let Brady touch and touch and take. He can still feel his hands all over him, his tongue on his skin, rough and sharp. Even after taking a shower, gasping for air, scrubbing his skin so hard it’s sore, washing over his growing and current bruises enough to turn them a shade darker.. it’s still there.

You can obviously tell something is wrong, can hear the way his voice wavers, how he can’t seem to find his words. Sitting up in bed, you flick on your bedside lamp and see the book you were reading discarded beside you. “I must’ve dozed off while reading, so you caught me at a nice time.” You smile, letting him hear your calm and warm tone, not wanting to push immediately.

Simon’s breath is heavy, labored. It’s audible over the phone. He can feel his throat constrict and his hands are trembling, thighs weak. Memories of Brady flash through his mind, his hands, his- It’s not like he had a choice. He has to do whatever it takes. Right? “You sound.. sleepy.” He offers, words nervous like he’s choosing them carefully, “What were you reading?” Please don’t ask please don’t ask.

You can hear it, hear his gasping, as if you were standing right in front of him. The urge to ask what the fuck is wrong is so unbearbly strong but.. you know him. Know enough to wait a moment. Glancing down at your book again, you speak, keeping a soft tone, “That series I told you about last time.. I’m already on the third book.” You laugh a little, fixing the bookmark sticking out of the pages before getting up from bed, “What are you up to?”

Even in this state, a smile touches his cut lip, remembering the previous conversation about some fantasy book you had started. “Just… getting ready for bed. Took a shower.” Another half truth. He’s still wearing the damp towel, stood in the too bright bathroom and avoiding his own eyes in the mirror. He looks awful. “The book’s good?”

“Yeah,” your bare feet pad downstairs, going to the kitchen to get a drink, “I’m breezing through it, but the series isn’t even finished so once I’m caught up I’ll have to wait for the next book.”

This is nice, it’s helping to start to calm him down a little.. but.. his jaw clenches with the effort of holding back a sob. Brady’s hands yanking his shirt up, tongue licking his skin, roughly flipping him over with strength he never wants to feel again, bared before him whilst his lip drips blood onto the wooden floor. His eyes dart to his reflection. He looks.. defeated. Beaten. Bruises adorn his sides, jaw, lip bloody and rapidly scabbing over. The shower did nothing to wash away the ache in his bones, did nothing to cleanse the feeling of being used, his hands, the nails that scratched his back and the pressure of another body atop him.

“Simon?”

It’s too much. Did he go too far? He’s completely broken himself and for what? Revenge? Justice? Cam? Is it worth it? Of course it is. Anything for his baby brother. Even if it shatters him fully.

“Y.. yeah.” It’s whispered out, realizing he hadn’t spoken. The silence between the two of you lingers. He can hear the shutting of your fridge, the way that certain hallway floorboard creaks under your feet as you go back upstairs. It’s comforting really, let’s him know you’re there, real.

Back in your room with a glass of water, you sit back on the edge of your bed, taking a swallow of the cold liquid, “Simon.. what’s wrong?”

There it is.

The way you ask him.. makes his chest ache, and his voice cracks when he answers. He hasn’t told you much about what he has to do while he’s undercover but.. you’re intelligent. You can put things together. He takes a deep breath, willing himself to steady the shakiness of his breath and to not cry. “I..” his voice catches in his throat, almost raw, and he takes a couple more forced breaths.

He can’t. He’ll cry. His throat is tight, eyes blurring with tears. Brendan even patted his head like a dog when he was done.

“Did something happen with Brady? Are you safe?” Had you been more awake, that would’ve been the first thing you asked, if he were safe.

His throat trembles again at the mention of his name. “I’m okay..” he says, voice strained. “Just.. I’m..” He feels like he’s about to crack open entirely. He’s barely got it together as is, a few words and he might fall apart right now.

You know he wouldn’t lie to you if he were to be in danger, if he were at risk of being caught or something, so that eases your worry by only a millimeter. The tone of his voice, hoarse, how he can’t find his words.. “What happened love?” It comes out oh so softly, as if you were speaking to an abandoned animal.

It hurts. It all hurts. His bruises, where he was abused, deep in his chest, his head, it aches all over and he just wishes it were gone.

He nearly bursts into tears right there just from that, as pathetic as it may be. Another deep breath as he finds the words he’s been searching for. I shouldn’t be telling her this. “Just.. Brendan and I..” His hands are trembling, fingered curled around his phone until his knuckles are white.

“Simon.. tell me.” You urge softly. You need to know. Something is eating him apart to the bone and you can tell.

He can’t help it, he’s breaking and his voice quivers a bit. “We slept together.”

His throat hitches when he says it. He hates the way those words sound put together, hates that they’re even true.

It stuns you for a moment, you didn’t know what to expect but.. pieces are clicking in your head and your own throat tightens for a moment, “Simon.. you..” You can’t cry. You won’t. For him. Not yet. “You didn’t want it… did you?”

His legs feel weak, like he might collapse. Breathing is a foreign concept to him as he swallows down more tears, trying to will them back as he glances upwards at the white ceiling. “N.. no.”

His chest is caving in on itself, the reality of it actually hitting him. And the worst part? Come morning he has to do it all over again, slip into that facade he’s been playing for months. The thought makes him nauseous.

Silence lingers for just a few moments as you process the information. You want to begin crying, to weep for him before it’s even fully settled in what happened but you can’t you won’t, you have to be strong for him. “Does he..” you form the words as soft as possible, “Does he know you didn’t want it?”

Brendan tossed him around, punched, kicked, threw him overtop the little table that shattered under his weight, the ceramic lamp cracking and cutting a spot on his hand, his lip. They had been arguing before, that’s what spurred it on. But he needed to get to Brendan, to be trusted. So he played coy, tilted his head.. and kissed him. He formed the plan so quickly in his head he didn’t have time to think of the consequences.

“No..” He whispers. “I had… I had to. Had to act like I did.”

“Oh.. Simon..”

The rooms too bright, such a stark contrast to the darkness of the rest of the motel room. He has no where that feels safe to hide away, heart beating at his chest. A sob escapes him before he can stop it, holding the phone tight to his ear. I didn’t have a choice. This is the only way. This was the only way.. It repeats over and over in his head like a mantra, though the words do little to ease his pain. Knees hit the wet tile floor uncomfortably as he shakes with the effort of holding back his cries, rasped pants escaping him.

You have no choice but to just listen to him break. Your brows knit together in worry and you steady your own breathing, trying to remain calm even though pure sadness and anger flood your veins. “Simon.. love, breathe..” He’s panting too hard.

He wants to scream, weep until he passes out, but he tries. He tries. “I… I need you.”

He wants your comfort, needs it. Needs your gentleness, your warmth.. even if he doesn’t deserve it.

A frown forms on your lips. He can’t, it wouldn’t be safe. At least that’s what you think right now, have been told before. Even though you crave to hold him, to cradle him, whatever he wants. “I’m here.. I’m right here. Breathe..”

He just wants to lay next to you, to forget everything. Forget Brady’s wandering hands. He inhales a skaky breath, “I just-.. don’t wanna be alone. I just want you next to me… even if I don’t deserve it.”

“Of course you deserve it.” There’s zero hesitation, “You deserve the world Simon… after.. after everything you’ve done..” All this for his baby brother, laid in the hospital.

“I know.. I just..” Simon takes another raspy breath, fingers hurting with how tight he holds his phone. He wants to beg. He wants to tell you to come get him. All he wants is you. Needs you to tell him everything is going to be okay. “I wish you were here.”

“I am, I’m right here.. I promise.” The walls too cold against his bare arm as he slumps against it, chest heaving. “I’m sorry.. I can’t imagine how much you’re hurting.”

“It’s not just the hurting..” He whispers back, barely able to force the words out. It’s like his heart’s trying to claw it’s way up his throat. Tears burn his eyes, wetting his cheeks and sticking to his lashes. “I hated it.. I hated having to… to.. touch him. I know it’s for-.. I-.. he thinks I enjoyed it and I wish I could just-.. wipe it all from my mind.” It’s a miracle he’s even able to speak right now, even though getting the words out is like nails on a chalkboard. Unbearable.

Blinking back tears of your own, you ask, “Simon..” you would never once doubt his love for Cam but.. “Is it worth it? Will.. doing this all be worth putting him in jail?”

“It has to be..” He has to believe those words. It has to be worth it. He has to believe it. “If it just stopped now.. then it would all be for nothing.” That’s what he has to believe, otherwise.. who knows, maybe it is.

A slight nod to yourself, understanding his words. Cam wouldn’t want.. this.. The thought crosses your mind but God, you’d never say that out loud to him. “You just.. have to keep him convinced.” You confirm softly, understanding his actions.

“Yeah..” He whispers again, raspy. His thumb rubs up and down on the side of his phone. “I just.. wish this was over now.” His voice cracks with another sob.

You heart breaks, tears welling up in your eyes as you exhale softly, “Sweetheart..” How can he do this..? How can he manage to keep this front up with Brady? Your heart is just breaking and you want nothing more than to kill Brady with your own hands.

“It’s just..” His words come separated, panting, crying, “It’s all so hard.” His eyes squeeze shut, head pounding with a deep ache that may never go away.”I don’t-.. how much longer do I have to do this?” He whimpers.

This case is important to him… to get justice for Cam.. to lock Brady up.. but..

“I don’t want you to do it anymore..” You breathe out, tears spilling over your lash line.

He tenses at your words, even his breathing halting, “I have to do it..” His eyes squeeze shut again so tightly they hurt, deep behind his eyelids. A couple of shakey inhales and exhales before he speaks again, “Please.. just please don’t ask me to stop.” If I stop, then I’ll hate myself more than I already do..

Your heart is breaking. It’s cracking into two and you have no idea how to stop it. You can’t. “Okay.. I won’t..” You curl up beneath the covers, leaving your bedside lamp on. The call now on speaker, you set the phone beside your pillow. A weak little thank you comes from him, whimpered, tired. “Just… don’t hold it in. Please… I’m right here and ‘m not leaving, so just let it out..” Your voice is pleading, knowing he only has tonight before going back to playing the part. Know he has to get his emotions out now before they’re shoved back down again.

He’s still white knuckling his phone, trembling, slumped against the cold tile wall as the light above the sink hums annoyingly. “I…” He felt stupid, as the tears begin to flow again, another sob clawing its way out of his throat, “I hate this.”

“I know..” You wish you were with him. You haven’t seen him in months. “Just breathe..”

Another strangled sob, words cut off, “I wish I was with you..” He’s so afraid..

“I know.. I know..” You try to soothe, keeping your voice steady even as tears slip into your hairline as you lay in bed, finger rubbing along the side of your phone like you wish it were his face you were caressing.

He feels weak, pathetic. He wishes he were strong enough to handle the fact that he’s alone in this, but he doesn’t want to. Wants you. Needs the safety of your presence, your touch, to bury himself in your chest and never move.

“Hey.. y’said you took a shower right? Why don’t you get dressed and get into bed..” The suggestion leaves you in a soft voice, like you’re speaking to a child. Despite not being there physically, you want to help the best you can.

“I.. yeah, I did.” Laid against the wall, his tired eyes scan the floor where his shirt and underwear lay before out into the dark room. He takes the time to get to his feet, nearly stumbling, trying to follow your instructions. He’s thirsty, so he gets a glass of water from the tap and downs the entire thing before getting dressed, eyes trained on the increasing time of the phone call to keep himself reassured that you’re there, before crawling into bed.

“All comfy?” Your voice almost startles him as he lays his head down. The bed is.. alright. The blankets are soft, fleece, bringing a contrasting warmth to the chill his damp hair sends through him.

“Yeah.. I...” A moment of silence passes before he resumes speaking, his voice so quiet, “Can I ask you something..?”

“Of course.” He could ask for the moon and stars and you’d present them in the palms of your hands.

“What would you do if I asked you to come and get me..?”

That would ruin everything, his mission, and he’ll never be able to look his Lieutenant in the eyes again, maybe even be fired. It’d also risk you, put you in danger. He knows all that, yet, the desire to have you here right now still lingers. Selfishly, he wants you.

“I’d do it.” No hesitation. That seems to be a theme for you and him. You stare at your phone, hoping this is him asking. You’d do anything for him, yearn to hand him anything he desires.

“You’d.. you’d come?” He’s almost certain this would ruin everything, all these months for absolutely nothing… but would.. would it really? Is this worth what it’s doing to him? “Please.. just…” He trails off, thoughts battling each other.

You, on the other end, stay dead silent. If you let your lips part, you’ll start begging him to let you come. Beg for him to leave it all behind, consequences be damned. So you wait, swallowing, listening to his even breathing as he sniffles.

…

…..

“Could… could you come get me? Please?”

There, he’s done it.

You’ve already begun sitting up before the words finished leaving him, picking up your phone. You stand, feeling the wave of panic and relief flood your system, blowing out the candle you had lit, “Are you sure?”

“Yes.. please.” It’s almost a sob, maybe it is one. Tears start to soak his face again, “Just please come get me. I don’t want to be alone. I-.. I wanna see you.”

There’s no thinking anymore as you rush downstairs, shoving your feet into the nearest sneakers you find and grabbing your keys. Simon can hear the front door shut and gravel crunch beneath your feet as you get into your car. “I need to know where you are.” The engine of your car purrs to life, already backing out. He weeps out the motel name, the bed and breakfast showing up as nearly forty-five minutes away once entered into your GPS. Fuck.

—

He wants to beg, continue to plead as he wails into his pillow, muffled. He doesn’t know how long he lays there, half asleep, body in survival mode and trying to shut down all in the same breath. You make the drive in thirty minutes, your voice startling him out of his half dozed state, “Love? You awake?”

“Mm..” Simon blinks, focusing on his phone, heart speeding up, “Yeah.. yes.. I’m awake.”

“I’m outside.” This almost doesn’t feel real. After being separated for so long and now you’re just… here. You have to stay strong, get him out of here first. Your eyes scan over the big buildings with multiple rooms, seeing the dim lights on them. A silver car is parked a few spaces away from yours and… next to it, Simon’s bike. There’s some shuffling, sniffling, feet thudding on the floor before the call ends and movement catches your eye. Up on the second floor of one of the buildings, the door opens and a tall figure slips out, jacket over his arm. He’s walking with a limp, and the sight of him makes you almost start to wail. You sniffle and wipe at your eyes, leaning over to unlock the passenger door and push it open as he nears.

He looks a mess. His lip is cut, eyes sunken and tired, face wet with smeared tears. He slips into the passenger seat, not even daring to look at you and neither do you dare to continue to stare at his face for a moment longer. You can’t, you’ll break. However you waste no time reversing from the parking spot and driving off, back out onto the road in the direction you came. It’s silent for five entire minutes and you don’t dare stop, just in case, but you do however reach and blindly grab his hand, linking your fingers together. Part of you fears he won’t even want to be touched, but it’s squashed with the way he clutches onto you for dear life.

You’re actually here. With him. You’re really here and he’s really out. He breathes in deep, trying to calm his racing heart, stow his emotions for now. Even just being in your car helps, because it smells familiar. Even as more stifled sobs leave him, he doesn’t let go of your hand, squeezing so tight it must hurt you.

—

He’s nearly cried himself to sleep again, barely feeling the way the car jostles as you pull into your driveway, the gate sliding shut behind your car. Undoing your seatbelt and reaching over, you undo his and slowly unlink your hands, not daring to look at his face yet. “C’mon, let’s get inside..” He listens, slowly, following you up to the front door, taking in the surroundings of your house again. Garage to the right, big gate and large brick walls lining the property. He’s been here countless times but.. oh.. the warmth he feels as you both step inside. A table to the right along the wall for your keys, coats hung up on a wall rack to the left, shoes scattered on the tile entrance way floor. You push open the door to the main hallway, the heart of the house, and he feels so much better.

You finally turn to look at him, both stood in the middle of the hallway, and in the dim light you fear he may see the way you crack open a bit.

He looks… broken. A bruise covers his jaw, scabbed over cut on his lip, eyes red and wet, cheeks flushed yet he’s pale. Bags hang under his eyes, dull, sad. Your hand reaches up instinctively, but you pause mid action, as if it’ll scare him.

He blinks slowly, sniffling, your touch so close yet so far.

But you pull back, “Go upstairs, get in bed. I’ll bring you some water, okay?”

He obeys, feeling comforted by your voice, the simple instruction. He doesn’t need to be pointed to the stairs, the carpet plush under his socked feet as he somehow makes it up there without his legs giving out. Not even considering the guest bedroom, he goes to yours, crawling underneath the duvet and he almost sobs again at the warmth, the smell, you. It smells like lavender and vanilla, the candle you have on your bedside table, mattress made up with a different bedspread than he remembers.

After a minute he hears your footsteps, watches as you come inside with a glass of water, kneeling onto the bed to offer it to him. Now he notices you’re in some pajamas, a cute matching set that he’d compliment if not for the circumstances. He sits up on an elbow, taking the offered drink and sipping some of the ice cold water, before handing it back to you with a whispered thank you. You set it aside and just stare, really looking at him now. “Simon…”

It’s obvious how tired he is, and the way he stares back up at you makes him feel vulnerable, not in a bad way though. “..yes?” His voice is small, barely a whisper. He’s feeling so many overwhelming emotions and doesn’t know which one to settle on. He feels grateful, safe, even though the last thing he feels he deserves is your forgiveness and warmth.

However you reach out again, mirroring your action in the hallway, pausing before your skin meets his, ‘Can I..?” Your fingers curl into your palm, nervous he won’t want the touch.

But he does want it, wants it so badly. To feel the comfort of your hand, the love of your fingers… Simon reaches up, his own hand curving around your wrist. He tugs softly, pulling your hand forward, feeling the tickling touch of your fingertips before you lean more into it and cradle his cheek. His eyes flutter, he could start crying again, if he had any more tears in him. He whimpers as his hand drops from your wrist, pushing into the touch with his eyes closed. The warmth on his bruised jaw feels so good, so safe. He looks so defeated, so broken, he’s had everything ripped away from him except you.

“Y/N..” Simon utters, it’s all he can do.

You’re so gentle, as if calming a skittish animal, thumb gently brushing the cut on his lip. “I’m right here…”

It almost brings tears to his eyes again. This is where he feels safest.

“I’m sorry..” He leans into your hand, the touch slowing his heart, and for the first time in he doesn’t know how long, he relaxes.

A frown finds its way to your lips, cradling his face, “What for?” you ask back, keeping your voice just as low as his.

“For.. everything, for..” The words won’t fully come to him, eyes fluttering halfway open as he gazes up at you, watering again, “I’m sorry, I..”

You shift, laying down ontop of the covers whilst he’s tucked under them. Your other hand comes up, and you falter for just a fraction of a second before it slides against his other cheek, cradling his face in your palms. “You have nothing to be sorry for Simon.”

He can’t help it, the moment you lay down he reaches out and pulls you close. His arms loop around you in a hug, burying his face against your neck. “I missed you.” He sniffles, lip wobbling against your skin. You cradle him back, one arm curling under his head for support and the other loops over him, hand finding his hair and petting it gently. It almost startles him, because Brendan did the same thing, albeit rougher, but your hand is so… it feels much nicer, your fingers tangling into the clean locks and scratching at his scalp.

“I missed you.”

The sensation of you caress is enough to make him curl into you more, face pressed against the base of your neck. Simon inhales deeply, smelling your body wash, the compassionate hug making him relax. His arms are tense though, as if he’s scared you’ll be taken from his grasp. Fingers paw at your back, pressing into your shirt, feeling. He needs to know you’re real. And you know that, so you let him even if it hurts a little, “Do you want me to turn the light off?” He answers with a shake of his head, a quiet ‘mm mm’, trying to wiggle impossibly closer. Now that he has you he doesn’t want to let go, fearful you’ll slip away.

“Do you.. want me under the covers?” Even if it sounds silly you have to ask for permission, petting your hand down his hair and over the nape of his neck, where Brendan’s lips were.

One little word slips from him, “Please..”

He is tired, exhausted, sore and scared, but the thought of snuggling with you, feeling your heat, your body against him, is enough to keep him awake. Your hand on his nape brings a small whimper from him, he’s so relieved you haven’t pulled away from him. He feels used, like he doesn’t deserve this touch, but here you are. Your nails scrape over his skin and it makes him shiver in a good way, bringing back memories, a comforting feeling.

A whispered okay is your response, twisting to lift the duvet up and slide yourself under it. He’s immediately pulling you into his arms again, right to his front so not an inch is found between you. The touch makes his heart race, nuzzling back into your neck, breathing in your scent like a hungry animal. He whimpers again, clinging to you for dear life.

“Shh.. I’ve got you, you’re safe.” Your chin is ontop of his head, hand back in his hair to pet and scratch, soothing him. The sensation is enough to break him completely. His lip wobbles again, blinking as tears flood his eyes, legs tangled with yours. He’s really here.. It’s all over.. he doesn’t have to go back.. He can feel your heartbeat, steady and solid. The moment the tears slip from his eyes, his grasp on you tightens desperately. He buries himself closer, wanting nothing, not even oxygen, just you.

“Don’t..” He chokes out, trembling, hiccuping a little cry.

You give him a squeeze, cradling his head and keeping him close, “What?” You whisper, “What d’you need Simon?” It’s pleading. Anything. You’ll do anything for him.

“Don’t let go. Please.. Don’t.” His fingers tense again so much they hurt, wanting to make sure you don’t fall through his grip. He needs you now more than he’s ever needed you before, your hands in his hair, your heartbeat sounding in his ears.

“I won’t.” You tilt your head down, pressing a kiss to the top of his head, “I promise. You can go to sleep, I’ll be here, I’m not leaving.” Your hand tangles in his hair in a light grip, enough for him to know you’re there. Leaning into him, he grasps so hard it hurts, but you’d prefer the bruises of his fingertips over the absence of his body.

This is all he needs, all he wants. Forget everything else, he doesn’t want to turn to that life anymore, wants to forget it all and stay hidden away tucked beneath your duvet. Reality can wait.

———————♡

[bitchinbarzal]

rotwm series: penthouse — william nylander

based on penthouse by kelsea ballerini

-

We moved to a place with a view off of eight avenue after we said I do And we watched cars of bachelorettes, 2 AM cigarettes, and traffic headed downtown And the interstate was so loud, there was a lot it had to drown out

When the two of you had finally decided to move in together there was so much back and forth on where you wanted to live.

“I like where I live now, the boys have a park!”

“They’re dogs will” You laugh, looking at the two puppies who are none the wiser.

“But Willy there’s a park like right there” you moaned, pointing out the window of the apartment you currently stood in.

He rolled his eyes at you before he turned to the real-estate agent and said “We’ll take it”

You smirked and he stuck his tongue out at you playfully “I love you” you jester and he smiles “Yeah, whatever makes you happy baby”

Your first home was a luxury apartment, as high as you could go on King Street West. Willy could walk to Scotiabank if he needed — not that he ever would.

You didn’t hear the noise from the ground, you were too high up but you would sit on your balcony together watching all the tourists throughout the seasons, the drunk early morning stumblers and the walks of shame.

You were so close to Gardiner Expressway which proved to be loud and very useful in drowning out your arguments. The arguments which quickly ensued once you’d moved in together.

It drowned out the constant back and forths, the “you’re not supporting me!” And the “You’re never here!” Fights.

The ones that left you sobbing and Willy throwing something around out of anger.

That by the end of the night you were sitting on the balcony, staring out to the city with a dog in your lap, your face still blotchy and red from crying when William would slip out the glass door and take a seat next to you before kissing the side of your head and say

“I love you and I’m so sorry baby”

We played the part five nights, but we were never there on the weekends, baby We got along real nice, but when I left town, did you hate me?

You hated going to these formal events. You and William both agreed they were a waste of time, that it was all show for the stakeholders.

You would put on black tie outfits and smile while listening to them drone on about stupid things that you weren’t really interested in.

Brendan always pushed the idea that the boys being in relationships always sold better to the public and so that’s why on a Tuesday night you stood by Williams side and smiled along as he spoke to team sponsors.

But that’s where your time ended in the company of the maple leafs. You didn’t go to the games anymore, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d stepped foot inside the family box at the arena or when you’d seen a game in person.

You didn’t go out to celebrate with the team. Willy sat in a corner booth sulking and mumbling something about you staying home with the dogs.

One day, the curtain started coming down You changed the second we were moving out I guess wrong can look alright When you're playing home in a penthouse, baby 'Cause we were playing home in a penthouse, baby

It hurts putting shit in a box And now we don't talk And it stings rolling up the welcome mat Knowing you got half

Four years into your relationship you asked Will “Should we look for a house?”

He was hesitant, not sure if it was a good idea is what he said to which you replied

“To move house or to move with me?”

Thus started the downfall.

You began looking at houses behind Willy’s back and he could sense something was wrong. You were pulling away from him, whenever he was home you weren’t.

“Baby, what’s going on?” He asked one night as you got ready for bed.

You stilled, looking in the mirror with your toothbrush still in your mouth before you spit it out and turned to him in your bed, shirtless with his arm flexed behind his head.

“Nothin’ my love, why what’s up?” You mumbled, climbing into bed and resting your hand on his chest.

“I Just, i feel like you’re not really here anymore is all”

“Don’t be silly Will, I’m right here”

You found the house. It was perfect.

Willy also had that same idea. Will hadn’t ignored you when you said you wanted a home, he was trying desperately not to let you slip away and so he went on a mission to find you a house.

He would buy you anything, do anything to keep you.

But when Willy got a call saying the house had been purchased he was disheartened. He wanted that house for you.

To add to the utter heartbreak he felt, when he returned home to start another night of scrolling through houses online he found you packing up boxes in the living room.

“W- what are you doing?”

You looked up, lip between your teeth and you said

“I can’t do this anymore Will”

I kissed someone new last night

But now I don't know where you're sleeping, baby

We got along real nice, until I wanted out, now I know you hate me

You didn’t have the right to be upset and you knew it. But that didn’t stop you from laying in bed and crying when you woke up from your night out.

You kissed someone at the bar last night.

The kiss lasted all of three seconds before you broke it off, gagged and almost burst into tears.

Your friends were worried when you said you wanted to go home “Why? What’s wrong?”

“I want to go home! That’s not my boyfriend and I don’t want to kiss him!”

The all stared at you with sympathy “sweetheart, willy’s gone”

It made you think, was he sleeping with new people? He had to be. There’s was no way superstar hockey player William Nylander wasn’t using being single to his own advantage.

Your fears were somewhat confirmed when you saw the team out one night in downtown Toronto.

Your friends had seen them and were trying to keep you apart only for Rasmus to approach you at the bar

“Hey”

You gave him a soft smile and told the bartender to add his drink to your tab “Hey Sandy”

“Haven’t seen you around”

“That’s what happens when you break up Ras, you stop hanging out with his friends” you mumble softly.

He smirks “I thought we were friends y/n”

You didn’t reply, simply sipping on your cocktail before you said “Is he with someone new?”

Rasmus’ eyes softened “don’t do this”

“I shouldn’t ask, I left but I just really wanna know if the girl on his lap means something”

Sandy can hear the emotions in your voice, he looks back at Will and the girl in his lap.

“I can promise you right now he’s imagining she’s you”

I just bought the house that we saw

You said it was wrong

I wanted it all along

You moved in.

The house didn’t feel like home. It was just a house. It wasn’t what you thought it would be and you knew what was missing.

The sound of little paws tapping on the flooring, hockey bags dropped by the front door and a warm left side of the bed.

You messed up and you knew that.

You went months sitting in the cold empty house wondering about the what if’s.

You were sitting in your bed one night watching a movie when the doorbell rang. You hoped whoever it was would leave, it was late and you weren’t expecting anyone.

They didn’t and instead the pounding only got louder.

You threw on a hoodie and trudged down the stairs, ready to cuss out whoever was on the other side of this door. You threw open the door and gasped lowly.

There will stood on the front step, hands in his pockets while the wind and rain were not doing favours for his hair.

“Will-“

“Can I come in?”

[kitkatopinions]

I got into this argument recently over the whole “V9 is pro-suicide” thing (it is) and, despite the fact this other person agreed that Ascension is an allegory for suicide, they kept on saying that when I looked at the story through that lens I was “taking it too literally because it’s a fairy tale”

Like… what’s the point in even reading a story if you’re NOT supposed to buy into what they’re trying to say with said story? Am I supposed to ignore all of the characters and the literal world of the story saying that “Ascension is actually a good thing that people should go through” and how Ascension throughout the entire volume is framed as death?

Or how, before Ruby ascends in the first place, she literally says “I don’t want to be me anymore” after being brutalized and then drinks a substance she believes will actively kill herself?

I was told over and over again that “because Ruby chose herself it’s anti-suicide,” but the entire reason she gets to CHOOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE is because she killed herself? The entire thing is a glorified way of saying “if you like yourself, you’ll become a better person for it because you’ll magically realize that you’re perfect the way you are” when that’s literally not true and not how it works?

I’m sorry this is going on for so long. I just wanted to see a different perspective. V9 has consistently fucked me up as a survivor of suicide and I just don’t understand how people can vehemently say that there’s nothing equating to suicide or pro-suicide messaging in this story when they literally admit constantly that suicide is present in the narrative.

I am really upset about whoever this other person is admitting that Ascension is an allegory for suicide but taking the stance of 'but we're not supposed to think about it because this is like a fairy tale.' Does that person not understand fairy tales? Most of them have lessons baked into them. Does that person not understand how media works? Most media has something under the surface, some sort of meaning or intended takeaway or even accidental biases on the part of the writers baked into them. You can watch even the most stupid just there for pure entertainment piece of media - You can watch Alvin and the Chipmunks 2007 and still come out of it understanding that in-between the CGI Chipmunks singing songs and the bad charmless acting of the guy who played Dave (my sis and I believe that role should've instead been played by Brendan Fraser,) you're supposed to get the take-away that kids should be allowed to be treated like kids and not used just for money-making and that found family is valuable and should be embraced and not pushed away out of fear of commitment. RWBY should tell us something, it should have messages and takeaways, especially because the very start of rwby presents us with the conflicting beliefs of Salem and Ozpin - Salem insisting that mankind's passion and strength will always wane and darkness will take over, with Ozpin countering that mankind's victory will be found in 'the simpler things she's long forgotten, things that require a smaller, more honest soul' while we see Ruby. The entire thing is full of (admittedly contradictory) morals and take-aways and meanings. Some of them are bad, some of them reflect the biases of the writers, or the bigotry that Miles Luna and Kerry Shawcross never deconstructed. It's not just there to be pretty lights, and it's actually imo wildly irresponsible for people to not try to analyze rwby.

"Yeah, Ascension is like suicide, but we're not meant to think about it" that person can fuck off. The trend of 'media isn't meant to be critically consumed or analyzed, it's just there for us to like and have fun' is the worst and it's destroying thoughtful media. I swear to God if the Lord of the Rings movies came out today people would be like "yeah I guess it's probably informed by Tolkien's time in war or whatever, but we're not supposed to think about it or take it seriously, it's just a make-believe story."

(I will be talking about Ruby's attempted suicide down below, please be advised and don't read if that sort of thing might be triggering to you.)

Also, on the note of "because Ruby chose herself in the end, it's anti-suicide' that really is just... Wildly wrong. Ruby chose to commit suicide. She thought that drinking the tea was going to essentially remove her from existence, erase all her memories, transform her body into something else, that she would not be 'Ruby Rose' at all and would instead be replaced by someone better. That is her hating herself, that is her wanting to die. Just because she thought something else would take her place doesn't mean she herself wasn't trying to commit suicide. Basically what the rwby writers wrote was the equivalent of a story where a girl pops pills in an attempt to kill herself, but is clinging to life, and while she's lying on her deathbed, her consciousness meets God and they give her the choice to either die or wake up, and she decides to wake up. Although this in and of itself would be incredibly dicey (irl people don't get to decide POST-ATTEMPT whether they really want to go through with it while getting the option to see their long dead mom and get assurance of her affection before they choose, and acting like that's the case is damaging especially to teens and kids,) the rwby writers make it worse! They make it worse by showing Ruby's closest friends including her older sister essentially sit around her bedside having smiling happy chats with each other and assuring each other that they'll be happy for Ruby if she DOES choose to die and that it's her choice and that it could be a good thing.

This is so damaging. And it's so damaging to show Ruby just coming out of it unscathed, smiling, having her role as a leader back and accepting it with happiness, having her struggles just waved away as if they hadn't happened. It's an allegory for a suicide where Ruby gets an 'are you sure about this' menu screen that people irl don't ever get, gets to see her mom and hear her mom say she loves her which people irl don't get, gets to talk to God and be told 'encouraging things' which is something people irl don't get, and gets to come out of it seemingly better than ever with no consequences which is something people irl don't get, and her friends and family don't have to grapple with what happened because they can just dismiss it as 'Ruby choosing to go to therapy' essentially somehow, and then the whole thing is just left in the past - while NEO COMMITS SUICIDE TOO AND IT'S TREATED LIKE A GOOD THING DESPITE THE FACT THAT THERE IS NO REASON TO BELIEVE SHE'LL 'CHOOSE HERSELF.' Which just makes the allegory three hundred times more damaging if you ask me.

On top of how bad that is, we have the Paper Pleasers, we have an example of people that didn't come back as themselves, but as entirely new people. They killed themselves, and didn't 'chose themselves,' instead destroying their bodies and their memories, essentially wiping themselves from existence, and it was framed as an exclusively good thing that Jaune needed to recognize was just a part of letting people make their own choices - framed alongside not only the fact that Ruby herself had yet to choose to come back as herself but also the fact that Penny just chose to die in the last season after begging for death over and over and getting Jaune himself to help her commit suicide... That lesson is so much worse. The paper pleasers killing themselves was presented in the narrative of RWBY as a positive, good thing despite the fact that they did not come back as themselves. If what happened to Ruby is the equivalent of someone popping pills and miraculously surviving by meeting God and getting the choice to return, the Paper Pleasers are the equivalent to an entire village of people willingly drinking poison in an attempt to meet God because they believe they'll ascend and shed their mortal forms so they can no longer be damaged and may carry on their assigned duty and reason for living as perfect creatures, and... Where have I heard that before? And the rwby writers present it as a good thing they were right about! The rwby writers present suicide as not only a sometimes good choice that helps you grow, but a needed choice that you're worse off for not taking - and coupled with Penny, it's horrible.

People have this idea that because Ruby, Neo, and the Paper Pleasers believed that something would continue on living from the remnants of who they once were, it's not suicide, but... That's very much so the way I thought about suicide growing up as an evangelical Christian. When I struggled with thoughts of suicide in my early teen years, that’s how I thought of it, and realizing that my friends and family WOULD care and WOULDN'T be able to accept it and WOULDN'T think of it as a good thing was one of the things that helped me start to get better. If I had seen RWBY in those days, seeing volume nine and seeing them praise the suicide of the people pleasers while smilingly deciding they'd be happy if Ruby destroyed herself would've fucked me up, and as it is right now, it was still triggering and upsetting to me.

I'm so sorry that this season was hard for you as a survivor of suicide, and that people are being so willfully stubborn in their refusal to see how damaging it was. What the rwby writers may have been intending to make - a story about a suicidal girl realizing she is enough - is not what they actually put into their show. Instead, accidentally or otherwise, they glorified suicide in incredibly damaging ways, and the fans need to recognize that. They need to stop with their 'tree therapy' jokes and their 'drink the tea' cracks, and just accept that the writers got it wrong. Saying 'it's just a fairy tale so why would I think about it' is a ridiculously stupid cop-out. Like, if people aren't even thinking through anything in RWBY, then why are they even watching it? If people aren't engaging with it, aren't getting anything out of it, won't even try to think about the themes and morals and what's being communicated, then why watch it in the first place?

[beingfacetious]

please give us the correct negative Ted lasso review

Oh my God. This feels like a trap but I can't help it

update from the other side, this is no joke 2k words long and it's not uh happy lmao so dead dove do not eat

TL;DR:

Bill Lawrence's involvement lessened every season and it fuckin' shows

There were arcs and plot points established over the first two seasons that the writers very obviously just changed their minds about for this season

Takes about this season being dark/ending sad on purpose are MUCH too generous. like giving WAY too much credit.

It turns out most of my feelings boil down to "it's not aggressively bad it's just nonsensical"

How tf was every episode twice as long as in previous seasons but everything important happened offscreen

FIRST OF ALL, since MONTHS before the season started airing, I've nursed a conspiracy theory that Bill Lawrence left the show because of creative differences with Jason Sudeikis and that therefore this season would be significantly less good than previous seasons. This started when I saw Bill tweet that he was going home, basically, and I figured we'd get "season 3 is in post" news shortly thereafter but instead there was that weird stuff about things being delayed because of rewrites...? Anyway, that is mostly to say that I was ready to think this season was worse because I love Bill Lawrence's storytelling and have forever and you should give Cougar Town a shot if you haven't yet it's no Scrubs but it's sweet

There were interviews early in the show in which I swear Jason/Brendan/whoever said they pitched the show to Bill because he's fuckin' good at TV and he basically said "this is a great idea but you're writing to the wrong ending, it should be this," and they were like "wow you're right that is a better ending." I can't find that now but I did find this from a more recent Bill interview:

I ran that show the first year because Jason was still shooting movies while we were doing the writers room. Then, at the end of that year, much like Gary with me, I was like, “Ah, I’ll spend a couple of months teaching him how to edit.” But after like a day or two, he’s like, “Yeah, I got it.” (Laughs.) So, the second year, we ran it together, and I’m only able to do other things now because that guy ran the show himself the third year, as it should be. It’s his voice and his world this season.

Now look, Bill Lawrence is obviously not trying to throw shade here because he's lovely and also this is a Hollywood Reporter article and how immature would that be, but I can throw shade for him and I will: Jason Sudeikis is a talented comedic actor and seems like a very nice man and he had a good idea for a show, and his instincts to involve an extremely experienced showrunner with an insane talent for feelsy found family sitcoms were good and he should have stuck to them!! Telling Bill Lawrence you're good after two days of editing instruction or whatever is stupid!! Insisting on your voice and your world when BILL LAWRENCE'S VOICE IS AVAILABLE TO YOU and also you CO-CREATED THE WORLD whatever gdi

OK fine I'll do Ted/Rebecca next. Obviously I was in for Ted/Rebecca. I wanted them to put their faces together. But look, I'm not a shipper over all else; over all else I want a good storyteller to tell me the story they want to tell. If I expect things or see them coming, that's not bad! That's good! If I'm surprised by things, that's good too as long as it holds together! "Subverting expectations" shouldn't look like spiting the audience, a lie is not a twist, etc. SO. If Ted and Rebecca were meant to be platonic soulmates, that's fine!!! I don't NEED them to kiss!!! But I do not believe these people are even friends in season 3, after season 1 and tbh most of my favorite parts of season 2 were about how much they impact each other's lives. That's a dropped ball and there's NO REASON to have not made time for them to interact meaningfully because every episode was so fucking long. Instead I guess we had to know how super sad Rebecca was about not being able to have children but not need to talk to anyone about it and immediately be fully over it. Also see a lot of lingering shots of Rebecca...looking at a matchbook...

sfjbkfgs early in the season they very obviously established that Rebecca's arc was going to be realizing she actually loves the team and wants to support them and see them succeed because of her own heart and not to spite Rupert, and I guess that happened but why didn't it happen gradually in ways I could see, why did it happen in an episode in which I'm supposed to have known all along that this has to do with her childhood self ?? and in which Rupert has a FULL personality change to facilitate her sudden realization. In what fucking world would he invite her to that meeting, because she's smart or because she brings ~diversity or because maybe he wants to sleep with her again? None of it tracks at all lmao but it was also the episode in which I really enjoyed Tony Head so whatever

speaking of not tracking, Nate.........I've never been invested in Nate especially but he was SO cartoonishly evil at the start and then kind of never again. I was braced for a redemption arc I wouldn't care about but that didn't even really happen?? he got a girlfriend and realized Rupert was a bad role model? it turns out his dad thinks he was a prodigy and always just wanted him to be happy, which, lmao WHAT where????? and what am I supposed to believe about Jade changing her mind about him btw because she's seen people be terrible to him at that very table before AND she has to know he loves the place and the food because he's there all the time, so what was the revelation that turned her from relatable-via-Nate-ambivalence to suddenly heart-eyes just fdslelugatw so much of my feeling about this season isn't even like it's bad it's just it's nonsense

One of my big complaints about the season is just Keeley's whole deal. Separating her from the team/rest of the cast was a wild choice. Barbara is fine but I also would have been perfectly fine without her and none of the other new characters for the PR side story added anything to the show. Especially if at the end Rebecca is just going to write Keeley a check for the chump change she needs to run the agency. Why didn't we just do that to begin with??? I guess this season I'm supposed to think Keeley ~learned to be independent in various ways but, again, I don't ?? And her needing to not be with Roy I guess as part of that and then get back together offscreen but then not really be together maybe but then also possibly having throuple vibes later that never get acknowledged feels, whatever, like something Bill Lawrence didn't write sdfjlsefaj,lwte I know this is my unsupportable argument that post I RBed was making fun of but idc

also Jamie wanting to be with Keeley at the end of the show feels extremely Harry Potter epilogue to me lmao Jamie you don't have to marry someone you went to high school with there are so many people

Roy was fine this season. He didn't have much to do but that's probably for the best lol. Him taking Ted's job is probably the only main character ending I feel like makes sense for this season and the overall show. Him training and begrudgingly becoming friends with Jamie was always funny.

OK one of the wrong reviews was basically like if you don't appreciate this season you don't appreciate classic tragic structure. Fuck off with that. First of all this was a sitcom about soccer so even if they were going for a classic tragedy in season 3 that's stupid and they shouldn't have been. But I also just don't think that's what was happening ??? I think I'm supposed to believe everyone gets a happy ending and I just don't. Like the whole oh it's sad that Ted ends up where he started and it's about how persistent optimism and kindness can burn you out or whatever, that's...if that's what they were going for, again, why tf, and also could we have seen that like. at all. Ted barely Teds for anyone this season (frex the previously mentioned never talking to Rebecca). ROY Teds more than Ted in season 3. If we got to see Ted trying to Ted even, like, twice, and either not being able to dig down and find the positivity or I guess noticing that he needs someone to be that for him, OK, fine. A Ted/Keeley scene would have been a PERFECT vehicle for this. Didn't happen. idk if we're supposed to think he's getting back together with Michelle but that would be so...so bad ??? like what about Tan Lines??? why even have Tan Lines??? even if not, we just left completely unaddressed her starting a relationship with their marriage counselor, which is also BAD lmao. God why did I have to see so much of Michelle this season. Michelle video calls every other episode and two lines for Dr. Sharon. Nonsense. lol one of my friends summarized Ted's ending as "yeah going back to the unfulfilling life that didn't work before the show started is a victory for our protagonist"

Even the soccer of it all re that whole thing was silly. Oh marriage counselor boyfriend is a bad guy because he doesn't care about the soccer game. Oh Ted is happy now because he's coaching Henry's rec league soccer team. like it's fine that EVERYONE is still together in Richmond but he's "home" now and still around soccer which is good because we definitely saw him learn to love soccer during the course of the show. sure Jan

(to be fair I am not the audience for "it's about the kid" plots so even if I felt like it worked from the start of the show for Ted to choose moving back to where Henry is, which I don't, I wouldn't care for it, so maybe those criticisms aren't especially valid) (I didn't care about JD's kid either)

speaking of the soccer though every single scene that revolved around the actual soccer team was essentially perfect. Great use of so many of those boys. Very few notes. Sam in particular had a few nice things this season and of course Colin. Another incorrect review by a critic I actually like very much was complaining about Colin's story this season and it being tired and overdone and not caring about Trent's or Isaac's parts of it, but I actually really disagree! It was well done and it was nice to see in the context of professional sports where, sorry, coming out and being received well is not a cliche thing that happens a lot! Also, hot take! Zava was a good part of this season! Nice contained little story that impacted some characters I actually care about plus he was legit funny! Sometimes things in a comedy should be funny! I'd honestly watch three more seasons of Richmond-focused half-hour episodes with idk probably Brett Goldstein in charge

I haven't mentioned Beard because I just never understood what I was supposed to think about him lmao. By far the funniest character overall but I never felt settled on whether he was meant to be a manic pixie comic relief BFF or if he was like...a real person?? It strikes me as potentially bad that he was so worried about Ted's mental state all the time and never really mentioned his own and that was sort of a thing in the weird s2 episode but then not again? I felt so much ire about so much else I didn't have any for him marrying Jane lmao but I do understand the people who are upset about that because that sure seemed pretty toxic, but wasn't it supposed to be played for laughs? Does that fit in a show that's supposed to mainly be about people treating each other well because we're all we've got? idk, RIP Beard, sorry your best friend in the world wasn't at your wedding because it would have been narratively underwhelming to see him leave and then see him back at a future major event or whatever

idk idk, season 1 Rebecca was one of my favorite characters ever and I was so angry in the middleish of the season about how much I felt like she was being wasted, but by the end I was just like...I mean, what's to be mad at. She's not even her anymore. Ted wasn't Ted anymore. Nate I guess literally reverted back to season 1 Nate which also is that...okay...him ending up lower than he started out feels not great

Good for Mae and the bar boys though, used just the right amount this and every season and always a damn delight

OK this is ridiculous I'm going to be done now. I do want to say I enjoyed several episodes this season a lot! A couple top 10 potentials! I really enjoyed the Amsterdam one actually because it reminded me of like a Nancy Meyers movie, very nice and warm, but it feels worth noting that that is not a feeling I would describe as being struck by fucking lightning :))))))

in conclusion maybe we as a nation can move on now from giving SNL alumni we find charming huge budgets and ethereally talented casts and collaborators and letting them get us emotionally invested in their midlife crises sandbox playing

[anastachord]

wtf ao3 tags - the sequel

vampire ballet

Slap Slap Kiss

Irish Republicanism

Setting Zombies on Fire

Woke Up Gay

Autoerotic Asphyxiation

i was raised a catholic and went to religious schools so this is the time to exploit that

There isn't a tag for titties OR man titties and that's really disappointing

a sheep farm

Happy Enging

they are GAY and they are STUPID

Misue of Louisiana Slang

FEDDY FABEAR

Subway Meet-Cute

YO-HO-HO HERE WE GO BITCHES

hehe

actual chicken

nae nae swag

tossing salad

Zuho puts coins up his nose

stanky leg

the transgenderification of the ninja turtles

Improper use of OceanGate's Titan Submarine

when the sound "mmmm" is a weapon

Inappropriate use of butterflies

impending doom

that's not what windows are for

when blushing causes an existential crisis

flirting via security cameras

pretending everything is fine when it's clearly NOT

I swear to god there's a happy ending in here somewhere please believe me

Warning: reading this may require the use of a defibrillator

Inappropriate use of mayonnaise

unholy use of mayonnaise

the looming threat of a fedora

zombie chickens covered in jam

religion...???

violence against musical instruments

the mechanics of a good hug

I have been told reading this fix has curative properties, I have also been told that it has killed people

ill advised climbing

this fic is chicken noodle soup for your soul

accidental improper use of setting tablet

screams into the sun

i claim my right to remain silent your honour

I'm happy to announce that I'm back on my bullshit

Inappropriate use of tv

teeth extraction kink

mind fucking, literally

innapropriate use of a santa hat

Reader gets peeled like a grape

torture, visualize peeling a banana

improper use of a detached arm

eats a mushroom and becomes a communist

Inappropriate use of a McDonalds cup

improper use of religiously oriented yogurt

the homeless man i gave a burger to in 2017

Non con bc lamps can't consent

improper use of a wine bottle (it doesn't break)

whipped cream as lube

improper use of a decomposed finger

no children were actually kidnapped, just temporarily acquired

ovary popping like grapes

Improper use of goose

soap uses drugs and alcohol to cope with being a furry

Sharpened Bones of Brendan Urie

improper use of a swiffer wetjet

OceanGate Titan Submarine/RMS Titanic (Anthropomorphic)

Tennis, i dont know how to play tennis

Questionable anger management solutions

setting off fireworks in hands

An abundance of baby oil

submarine sandwich

the mortifying ordeal of discovering you're into bdsm while you're caught up in a political intrigue

Unacceptable use of tragedy

spoilers for the bible... i guess??

exploitation of magical swords

Bees

improper use of duct tape that would make OSHA cry

Punching your future father in law in the face as a metaphor for love

smut bit also i'm too scared to write it

ryan reynolds - Freeform

sharks dying

A walking brick of cocaine

The Curse of the Bonus Vajayjay

Refrigerator

Brief mentions of a dog in a top hat

that one song by the buttholes of whatever the fuck they're called

Sink me like one of your French girls

Biblically Incorrect

Moose

a decade-long streak of Pining is ruined by a false hickey

Tim is homophobic??

this is half smut and half roasting two thirty year old men for being fucking stupid

something that is sort of crossdressing but not really

holy shit barbed dick is already a tag, i fucking love the internet

Robbery, by a dumbass

human toilet

Abuse of gummy worms

someone please help this fish

Mentions of heterosexuality

yogurt (i can explain)

Nuns

Tim gets fucking attacked

weirdly sexual cheeseburgers

university of arkansas

Out of Character, but I'm out of fucks so it's fine

TW straight people

car seats as an expression of love

alarm clock to lovers

it's not game of thrones inspired but it's not not game of thrones inspired so

shoe licking

Inappropriate use of Logitech controllers

Decidedly non-platonic BDSM

how to create a romance epic for dummies

aggressive mutual caretaking

the usual amount of murdering characters in my fics

weirdly long talks about fnaf lore

All the men die but the boats are okay

SPOILER: it is not an egg!!

yelling at people to show you care

set in australia in my hometown but that affects literally nothing

somehow a harmonica gets involved

Top Shadow the Hedgehog

Elevator Butt

gru's noise

Accidental Uncle Acquisition

frog tie

Quantum Mechanics, but wikipedia's version, so take that with a grain of salt

a crazy amount of john mulaney reference that carries on for multiple chapters for some reason

sadist slime

questionable use of dortitos

scandalous use of musical vocabulary

swallowed alive

human on mushroom violence

misuse of whirlpool baths

sir this is a Wendy's pull up your pants

let me delulu in peace

the eternal question of who is doing the laundry

screaming into the void

somewhere ogre the rainbow

a random horse appears

Mentions of a goat

don't let your memes be dreams

shrek eats beans

Santa Claus has seen some shit

green cow milk

erotic birth

unhealthy relationship but in a spicy way

a truly pathetic amount of pining

gratuitous use of Narwhals

one sorta severed limb but not really

putting the fun in funeral

tragedy my lord

is it murder when they die themselves?

meet tired

falling in love over a coffin

dirt as a love language

Sugar Daddy Voldemort

Florida AU

Canonical Character Death, It gets better I promise, the death not the fic

what's the tag for come coming out of your nose

Tentacle Dick, actually more dolphin dick but no one needs to know what i looked up for this

if you guys KNEW my google search history right now

There are deer that are wizards that have human hands

Multiple historical events were caused by a sentient pitcher of Kool-Aid

[toxicroyjamie]

I think the fist fight makes sense considering Roy’s terrible reactions to insecurity and Jamie’s reactive tendencies to feeling hurt/attacked, but I hate that they made it Keeley’s problem, I hate that it was their last scene together, and I hate that Brendan said they included the scene bc their relationship was going too well and “boys are stupid” (or whatever tf he said I blocked it out lmao)

YES exactly 💯

[jamiesfootball]

So, I spend a lot of time thinking about your stories and your WIPs. They are all so varied and I love the way you're able to mix humor with the bits that tear my soul apart.

You have such brilliant observations of these characters and I've found myself not having thought of some of them before and thinking "How could I have not seen this before? It's so clear."

You have such a gift for taking the source material and expanding it to exactly what I wanted from it. And you do this with both humor and drama but in a more satisfying way than even the show does.

For example, the dick string incident, looking at it as a base level of comedy, it is funny. But you gave it such a wonderful backstory that lets it still be funny but it's not as fucked up as it would be in real life.

But then in oh god you're gonna get it (you have not been given love), you take the best parts about the last two episodes and the worst parts and you make them make more sense than the show. You make it more satisfying while remaining completely true to these characters. If there is ever a spinoff or another season I will be finding Jason Sudekis and Brendan Hunt and the other show runners and demanding they hire you as a writer or at least a consultant.

I wish I had better analysis to share because your work makes me want to analyze it like it's the Zapruder film, and dump Gatorade on you in celebration, but most of the time your writing leaves with shrimp emotions and I vary between kicking my feet, twirling my hair, crying, holding my dog to me for comfort against his will, lying motionless on the floor, or sitting in the shower and rocking back and forth.

Anway, looking forward to whatever you share next (snippets or chapters or drabbles or whatever) and thank you for writing but also thank you for being you. A genuine warmth spreads through me whenever I see your names whether it's interacting with me or not because you are such a wonderful person and I love watching you spread joy like confetti everywhere.

It's messages like these that make me feel stupid for trotting out the phrase 'thank you so much' but for real- THANK YOU SO MUCH. This was such a lovely message to receive out of the blue. I know I've told you a hundred times but your support means the world to me.

MUAH! <3

[frostbeees]

just wait 'til i give you a sign

2023 wrappedmas day seven • song: be my mistake by the 1975

ao3 • masterpost

Brendan goes through his postgame routine and doesn’t miss a step despite not being able to focus on anything. Anything that isn’t Thom, that is. He cools down on the bike, takes his shower, grabs his postgame pre-packaged meal, and falls into his normal seat on the bus back to the hotel. 

He does not wait outside the home team locker room at Tech CU. He doesn’t glance down the hallways around the visitor’s locker room to see if anyone (Thom) is waiting for him. 

Once he’s back at the hotel he pulls on just a pair of sweats, game day suit shrugged off and meticulously hung in the closet. He takes a call from his dad although he doesn’t really participate, just lets his dad talk at him about the game while he scrolls through Insta. He regrets the decision immediately, though, as the first story he opens is a blurry shot of Thom and fucking Eklund. Thom’s face is barely recognizable as it’s buried in Eklund’s neck but Brendan can make out the tattoo behind his ear. 

“Sorry Dad, I’m about to pass out,” Brendan lies. “Can we catch up tomorrow?”

“Of course, love you.”

“Love you too,” Brendan says as he disconnects the call. 

He should go to bed. He should plug his phone in over on the desk where he can’t reach it easily and do something stupid. He also never should have fucked things up with Thom but here he is and there Thom is with his new fucking– whatever they are. 

But Brendan doesn’t do the smart thing. He shoots off a simple “1137, come over?” text to Corms and waits. He doesn’t get a response right away but a few minutes later he hears a soft knock at his door. 

He doesn’t say anything as he answers the door but Lukas doesn’t either as he pushes past Brendan and pulls off his hoodie, discarding it somewhere on the other side of the bed. His shorts go next as Brendan flips the security lock on the door and follows suit, dropping his sweats and climbing into bed. 

“What do you want?” Lukas finally asks as he pushes Brendan down against the pillows and throws a leg over his thighs, situating himself in Brendan’s lap. Brendan doesn’t think about how he fits there so well just like Thom used to. 

There are only two thin pieces of fabric keeping them from being fully skin-to-skin and Brendan’s dick definitely takes quick interest. But even as his dick is chubbing up in his underwear, he can’t bring himself to ask for it. 

He wouldn’t have had to ask Thom. 

Thom would have climbed on top of him and put Brendan’s hands in his hair which probably smelled like the specialty shampoo he ordered in bulk. He would have rolled Brendan over and opened him up, soft and slow with his mouth first and then his fingers before sliding in and filling him up in a way that left Brendan seeing stars. 

Lukas is tentative, staring down with his big brown eyes and shiny lower lip. Brendan wants it, wants him to lean down and kiss him hard and mean, mark him up a little, make him hurt and get out of his own head. But he doesn’t want to ask.

“Can we just sleep? I didn’t want to be alone.” Brendan’s telling a half-truth but Lukas doesn’t call him on it, just eases off Brendan’s thighs and lays down next to him, front pressed against Brendan’s back. “You can fuck me in the morning though.”

[brendan-block]

Whelp Brendan was in trouble. Rei knew that Brendan did some... questionable things but Rei always turned the other cheek because... well honestly she didn't care. She loved her brother the way he was. Sure he wasn't always law-abiding, but hell neither was she and he at least had standards. the only rule she had was that no police better show up at her house... not in any official sense anyway. Sure occasionally those Brendan had under her thumb had stopped by on rare occasions to either let her know Brendan was fine or to give her an alibi for whatever the fuck was going on. But nooo some fucker in uniform had to show up at 8am asking her questions. It was easily lied through and she was sure he must be new and would be taught proper protocol but Brendan had to be punished for getting her woken up at 8am on her day off... which was why Brendan's apartment was now home to 300 crickets of various sizes. Seeing as how he was working today by the time he got home this evening they all would have spread out and be hiding in every single nook and cranny.

Brendan foolishly thought that getting a stern talking-to from Rei over the phone in the middle of his busy work day would be the extent of his punishment. Of course he didn't think he deserved anything more than that. The way Brendan saw it, it wasn't his fault that some stupid rookie cop got too curious for their own good and showed up at her door on her day off. Then again, it was Brendan's responsibility to keep the police under control and he hadn't taken the time to properly instruct their newest little shitbag on the rules regarding him and his sister--a mistake he would soon rectify.

He had every intention to teach the bastard proper respect that very same night. A trip down to his basement cellar was certainly in order. That way he could punish them for their rudeness towards his sister as well. A little torture would do them good. Not enough to kill the poor shit, but taking a couple fingers or toes would do; something he could present to Rei as way of apology.

Brendan did not expect to come home that night and have his plans ruined by Rei herself.. and the army of crickets she let loose in his home while he was away.

"BUGS!? REI, ARE YEH FUCKIN' SERIOUS RIGHT NOW!? COME ON!" Brendan yelled at the top of his lungs to ensure that Rei would hear him from her house across the street. Was he angry? Yes. Was he also on the verge of tears? Also yes. Because if there was one thing that he was well and truly afraid of, it was creepy crawlies of any kind. After struggling to get his front door shut and re-locked, and a frantic dance around the yard to shake himself free of the crickets that had jumped on him, Brendan stormed right over to Rei's house and let himself in as he had a habit of doing.

"LITTLE MADAME, YEH HAD BETTER AVE PEST CONTROL ON SPEED DIAL--"

@byondtheveil

[aura-acolyte]

Apparently, Z has something special she wants to do with me as an after-birthday thing so I'm gonna make the biggest mistake of my life and leave the account in the hands of someone else. Why don't you introduce yourself.

Sup, bitches! The name's Brendan Birch, Ace Contest Star and Mare's rival!

You're not my rival. Wally's my rival. We're just cousins.

Whatever. Point is, Mare's given me control of this account for the time being so you get to ask me, Brendan Birch, everyone's favorite Top Coordinator, all sorts of questions!

Welp, you guys have fun with that. I'm off to get kissed stupid. Brendan, if you fuck up in any way I'll kill you. Bye!

//Long story short, the 350 Follower Brendan Takeover has begun! Ask Mare's Top Coordinator Cousin Brendan all sorts of questions.

[manwholovescabins]

Okay, just one last thing, I promise. I've seen a lot of people lately calling Ted/Rebecca shippers the most annoying part of fandom or whatever lately, and as someone that has been in not only this fandom, but a lot of fandoms, I gotta say, I don't find them nearly as annoying as other elements. People focusing on Ted/Rebecca were mostly not on the list of people wishing violence on Nate or hoping for his humiliation and return to subservience. They weren't the ones believing everything stupid or violent or downright disturbing that Roy did was justified as no big deal because of the meaningless phrase of him being Roy Kent and therefore a legend, when the social contract is just for us little people. They weren't the ones ignoring Keeley very clearly moving on from the breakup, because why shouldn't she want to get back with him? They were at least focusing on major white characters, not doing the thing where they latch onto the random side characters and make everything about them at the expense of more major characters of colour (I like side characters, too, but the disproportionate fandom emphasis on bland background white guys always pisses me off). Everything that was annoying about them was pretty bog standard stuff: annoying about Roy/Keeley shippers, Ted/Trent shippers, etc. Nothing unique. So being mean spirited and making fun of this ship, while at the same time making Nate a kitman again and thus making pandering to all those cruel and hateful fans? Ugh. I don't care one way or another about Ted/Rebeca as romantic vs platonic. But that finale really showed what the writers cared about, and it was that "mildly annoying shipping should be punished and hateful vitriol should be rewarded".

i've honestly never been very deep in this fandom so fortunately i've mostly seen some stuff from the sidelines. i have seen some t/r shippers being awful about nate, but i've also seen other people do that (it doesn't seem to be connected to being a shipper of a certain couple but rather it must just be people's racism showing). i mean, there's def some t/r shippers who are shitty, but there's all sorts of people who are shitty unfortunately and you can't really judge the whole category like that. plenty of the fandom looks fucked up to me and it's def not confined to t/r fans.

the writers clearly never intended for tedbecca to happen and like that's fine and i feel like they were plenty clear about it all along so fans shouldn't be that surprised, but the finale shit gave weird ass vibes like. shit felt personal. damn.

i feel like i've seen the cast and writers defend literally any choice they made so vehemently but the only one who was like "hmm it's just a show and im not my character" was nick who was legitimately getting so much hate for simply saying his lines? like brendan my guy you'll write a paragraph about how jane isn't abusive or toxic (she is) and no one thought maybe you should say "heyy guys don't be racist as hell maybe? nate actually ISNT a villain, he's just a guy"? not very kind and positive for the kindness and positivity show huh

[big-dick-moneybags]

Glad Brendan Fraser got his acting career back or whatever but every time I hear about this movie it sounds progressively more stupid

[teal-seas-n-skies]

[ Accents] ~ [Short Story]

Brendan had been living in Hoenn for over a year now. His accent hadn’t gotten any better, though. Whatever. It’s not like he’s the only one.

---

“—And then I told him that he really should just shut up. Like. Dude.”

May looked up from her notes, raising an eyebrow. “Dude?”

“Yeah. Dude.” Brendan stuck out his tongue. “Got a problem with that, dude?”

She laughed, rolling her eyes. “You are such a boy. A toddler boy, too.”

Brendan groaned dramatically, falling over backwards. May screeched as he collapsed on top of her. Kicking and shoving proved ineffective against the other teen, and Brendan just continued to whine at her.

“..What are you two doing?”

Brendan popped back upright in an instant. “I’m torturing May,” he chimed.

“Oh. Well, I finished talking to your mom. She said to tell you not to be lazy, and get snacks yourself,” Wally hummed, He sat himself down on Brendan’s floor, carefully separated from the more rambunctious of the three. Brendan quickly closed that gap, crawling over to flop into Wally’s lap. May snorted.

“Your problem now,” she said, looking back down at her notebook. Wally groaned. Brendan presented her with his middle finger. “Rude.”

“I will Dragon Ascent you with no regrets, someday,” was the cheeky reply. May giggled, peeking out from under her bangs.

“With Ray-kwah-za?”

Brendan was sitting up again. “Holy crap are you never going to let that go?!”

“Well, you are saying it wrong. Technically,” Wally added. He pulled his knees up to his chest before Brendan could lay back down.

“Yeah, well technically you have asthma,” Brendan huffed. He propped his chin on his palm, glaring at the other two.

Wally tilted his head. “That’s not a technically. That just. Is.”

“Not your best, Bren.”

Brendan groaned, hiding his face in his hands. “You two are the worst. Demoted from best friend status. Lisia is my bestie now.”

“Lisia is busy, though, so you’re stuck with us. What a shame!” May grinned. She thwacked Brendan on the top of his head with her notebook. He batted at her half-heartedly. “Maybe you can get Wallace to be your bestie instead.”

“Birds, imagine that. She’s too busy making kissy-faces at Steven,” Brendan snorted. “Besides, I already see her enough with the stupid whale.”

“You should really stop calling Kyogre a stupid whale,” Wally chirped. “I mean, imagine if someone called Lugia a stupid bir—"

“Waiwaiwait. Stop.”

“..What?”

“Say that again. Slowly,” Brendan said. “And enunciate.”

“...Lu-guy-a?”

Brendan blinked.

That was most definitely not how you pronounce that.

“I’m not the only one!” He crowed, launching himself to his feet. “Holy balls I’m not the only one!”

“I— What did I do—?”

Brendan grabbed Wally’s face. He smooshed the smaller boy’s cheeks between his hands. “Wally, I love you, but never, ever say it like that again. I will set a fire in proximity to you and your horrible lungs, Asthma-Boy.”

“Maybe let’s not resort to arson?”

Across the room, May looked up again. She only needed a glance, really. She got herself to her feet, walked to her bag, and pulled out a single pokéball. Neither boy took notice, too focused on their squabble (Which was rapidly turning into a wrestling match. Wally was losing) to realize what she was doing. A Swampert’s cry alerted them pretty quickly, though.

[healbellls]

@sealcdheart has sent:

   He really shouldn’t have been out here, shouldn’t have been with Cole when he was risking his neck to do something dangerous. He really shouldn’t have been anywhere near the Cipher Lab where he could have gotten hurt. He still doesn’t know how he even managed to talk Cole into taking him when he knew that the outcome would have been something as stupid as this. 

   As getting in the way of a shadow pokemon’s attack and taking a <i>shadow rush</i> to the chest. 

   He never wanted to smack someone so hard in his life. 

   He can’t spare the chance to check on Brendan, can’t let his eyes off of the Pokemon and the Cipher member laughing as if this was the funniest joke someone ever told them. As much as he wants to joke the man out, his focus has to be on the Pokemon. He’s never seen a Pokemon like that before, never seen whatever it was, didn’t even have a clue where it came from. But Umbreon and Espeon were playing off of each other and slowly making dents in its health. The shadow Pokemon was the last team member the Cipher grunt had, and he knew he’d win. 

   When he gets the chance he loads the Pokeball into the snag machine, charges it, and throws it with his left arm as hard as he could. It rocks back and forth, a few different times, and the moment it clicks he turns and makes his way over toward where Brendan was on the floor. 

   Cole crouched down in front of the Hoenn Champion and reached his right arm out, grabbing a fistful of the other trainer’s shirt and yanking him toward him. His chapped and dry lips press roughly against the other’s, giving him a kiss almost like a dying man before he let go of him. He undid the collar button of his long blue coat and yanked it off, wrapping it around Brendan’s shoulders. When he was sure the other was going to be fine he started to stand. 

   “You ever do that again and I’m leaving you behind.” At the house, where it was safe, where he couldn’t scare him. 

   He can’t lose Brendan. 

Brendan may have promised he wouldn't intervene in the battle, much less stand in Cole's way. For better or for worse, he just wanted to be in his company for a little longer. As seen, how long some of his missions, could take. And they both didn't have a lot of time to spare together, they had to always get the most out of it.

Perhaps he would be able to get some more new and cool photos taken of the action, along the way.

But that became the least of his worries, when the battle took a very different turn. He has been to Orre several times now, but it seemed like he would never truly get used to the idea, of a battle that could at any given moment risk the trainers' safety.

So, without even hesitating or even considering to syc his trustworthy Blaziken to fend off the attack. Brendan leaped just at the very right time. It was a reckless move, not a single champion with the least amount of experience, would dare to take such risk. However, he really wasn't capable of being rational in that instant.

The pain inflicted by the direct attack was unlike, anything he had experienced in his life. Not a single wild pokemon's attack, or even any of his own have ever inflicted, such excrutiating pain on him. It knocked the air out of him, and rendered him unconscious for the remainder of the battle.

He was awakened by the feeling of his lover's lips, his warmth and the coat's weight on him. His Blaziken lout a relieved chirp, when he noticed his trainer re-gaining his consciousness. He heard loud and clear to Cole's scolding but, there wasn't a single hint of regret for what he had just done. That was until he noticed the other's very clear concern, and almost fearful hint to his voice.

At that point in their relationship, Brendan had managed to learn and pick up on at least one or two things, in regards to the way Cole went about things.

He grabbed a firm hold onto Cole's arm, and held onto him. "I told you, I can take it as well." He responded faintly, in an attempt to soothe him. "You don't have to do it all alone... I'm here with you, Cole." Brendan added, as he gestured at his pokemon to help him up. "I guarantee you, I'll not do that, ever again." There was a drawn out pause, as he looked straight into the other's eyes.

"I'm sorry I scared you."

[truthorsandwiches]

i don’t know how today was. it was fine i guess. i was able to listen to letter to memphis a few times. i can’t right now tho. i wore my pixies shirt. the guy that looks like you is named brendan. he’s in my dads advisory.

he plays guitar, just like you. he likes metallica. my dad says he seems nice. he had a bunch of hickeys yesterday. he has a gf. whatever. i wasn’t into him for him, i was into him cause i wanted him to replace you.

im still kinda into him.

i saw another guy at lunch today. the resemblance is less striking, but still there. maybe i just think every guy looks like you now. so, thanks for that. (not).

i don’t know why i’m writing today. i just felt like it. it helps. it’s like talking to you. i almost hope you read these, just so you know that you fucked me up. but i’m slowly getting better, i think.

a lot of times i just want to message you. just to say anything. something stupid and small like “i wish i could hug you rn.” the stuff i took for granted.

i kinda hope you realize you were being a little insane. leaving me for knowing your name? finding your public instagram? plus setting your discord name to “dyl.” it’s like a spit in the fucking face.

you’re insane. you’re never going to realize it, either. at least not soon.