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orestes-hungry-and-pylades-sober · 4 years ago

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Les Miserables Stonewall AU

Just hear me out for a moment: Les Mis AU taking place in 1969 Manhattan. June, if we want to be specific. Why June? Stonewall.

So my school does these trips every few years that are always a big deal. A really big deal. As in, a month in the Galapagos Islands. It got canceled cause of covid but still, y'all get my point, right?

I also came across these two amazing drawings the other day. I don't know either of the artists so if you do, please let me know so that I can credit them. Not my art

The art and the trip gave me the idea. Because look, pretty much the entire fandom ships e/R. And then there's Courf and Ferre, and everyone else. I'll list them all later.

So we end up with les amis in Manhattan during the Stonewall riots and protests. Obviously, they're going to get themselves caught up in it, right?

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There are two ways I might want to go with this. They're both good and they could both work out well but I'm not sure which one I'd rather use.

1) they're just all students at the same university who happen to be going on the trip together. Obviously, some of them would already know each other (like R has been completely in love with Enj for years) but realistically, you don't know everyone who goes to your school

2) all of them are part of the drama/theatre club. This one might work out in the sense that they're all going to Broadway to watch a performance or perform themselves (Phantom maybe?), and that the theatre club has become an accidental hidden magnet for closed queers. Tbh that's what it's like at my school and why I'm in drama.

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And here are basically all of the character roles.

Enjolras - Social equality/civics minor. He hasn't yet decided if he wants to pursue a higher degree in the same field or try something else. Often in detention or something because he gets into fights all the time. If he sees a bully picking on a kid, he will not hesitate to kick the bully's ass into next week. He's that one person that you'd go to if you had a problem, kinda like a school vigilante. A girl being harassed? Talk to Enjy and the man will never bother her again. He organizes a bunch of rallies and protests for what he believes in. Should've probably been suspended or expelled a while ago, for all the people he's hurt, but the teachers and school board know why he does it and know that he keeps the other students safe. Still manages to get really good grades, as long as he gets a bit of help from Ferre or Courf (and they're glad to help him study or smth)

Grantaire - slightly sketchy fine arts and music double major. He's a composer and his music is beautiful, and so are his paintings, but while he's amazing in those classes, he's just barely scraping by in the more 'academic' classes he's taking. Everyone knows him as 'the problem kid' but not in the same way as Enjy. R gets into fights and stuff too, but not exactly for good reasons. Has a drinking problem and has turned up to class drunk on a few occasions. Always carries around a sketchbook. He's completely in love with Enjy, and while the two of them aren't exactly friends, Enj likes him a lot more than most of the other students, since he's actually taken the time to get to know Grantaire personally rather than just as 'that one drunk problem kid who's about to flunk out.' Really sarcastic and sassy.

Combeferre - (y'all, I said his name with the E at the end kinda like 'ferreh' for so fucking long before someone decided to say it rhymed with Javert). Philosophy minor, lit major. He's probably on the student representation board. That one kid that manages to be a total nerd who literally corrects the dictionary for fun yet is still one of the coolest kids in the school. Everyone seems to think he's cool and composed and calm, and they're not wrong, but he's mentally screaming the loudest of all of them when it comes to finals or something. He's a bit of a perfectionist and knows it, but he's also used to being able to easily pass his classes. How do I describe this... he's outwardly composed but internally a mess. A lot of kids known as 'the smart one' who are overachievers and have teachers who praise their work, etc, are. Internally screaming 24/7. Believe me, I know what it's like.

Courfeyrac - he's the only mutual friend of everyone in the group. He's a literal ray of sunshine and always will go out of his way to say hello to someone and ask how they're doing that day, and check up on someone who's looking down. He's really good with kids and people in general. Might run a tutoring group or something because I've always thought he'd make a really good teacher. (Just imagine Courf as an elementary school teacher or something. Carrying little kids around on his shoulders, helping them with art projects, and hanging them up all over the classroom. He'd be kind and patient and funny and everyone would love him. Just- elementary teacher Courf). Best friends with Combeferre. Probably Jvj's aide or TA or something.

Marius - I think we all know him. He just Pontmercys his way through university and has a massive crush on this one girl who sits across the aisle from him in one of his classes. She's pretty and brave and smart and outspoken, and he admires her. Eponine, his good friend, sees this crush and convinces him to talk to her. He has a brilliant idea to ask her for help with homework and just botches up the entire thing and kinda embarrasses himself, (cue Eponine facepalming in the background) but she thinks it's sweet, and they end up becoming friends.

Eponine - honestly I don't know what I want to do with her. I know she's another student on the trip, but I only have the vaguest ideas of how she fits into the group, and even that is more of a vibe, rather than something I can put down in words. Used to have a sister that her parents often abused and used. Ponine did her best to shelter Cosette from their parents, but she didn't always succeed. However, she was able to get help and get her sister taken away. Their parents turned on Ponine instead. Her little brother ended up running away, but she wasn't able to. Eventually, she stops going home at night, sleeping at school instead. Professor Valjean found her outside his classroom one time when he finally left at like 2 in the morning after being stuck there grading papers. He ended up taking her home with him.

Cosette - Eponine's "sister". I will insist on these two getting along and being best friends, regardless of how you want to interpret their canon relationship. Imma just call them sisters, since they were raised that way. Eventually, she's taken away from the abusive household she lived in as a child. Soon she was sent to be fostered with a man who later became a university professor. Much to her surprise, she was reunited with her sister in a class and found out what had happened to Eponine in her absence. She quietly brought the issue up to her adopted father.

Valjean - history prof, and the supervising teacher for the trip. I call him Jvj and pronounce it sort of like 'Jivvy' and yes I know that's not even how it would be said and that it's weird af but I will live and die by that nickname. He's that one professor that everyone loves. While he never brings it up, his house is a second home to Eponine and Gavroche, ever since he found Ponine sleeping on a bench outside his classroom (Cosette may or may not have set this up so that he would find her), and now he has three children instead of just Cosette. By the end of the trip, he ends up with like 20 students who all treat him like he's their father.

Javert - ex-military school dean. He's coming on the trip as well because the school's two biggest problem students - Enj and R - are going on the trip and he doesn't trust Jvj to keep them in line. Everyone knows there's some sort of drama between him and one of the history professors, but no one can figure out the story between the two of them.

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Oh well look at me, totally ignoring the thing I said about them all not knowing each other. Welp. And yeah, I know I'm not being the most brick-accurate when it comes to their personalities or whatever, but I'm trying to keep the main feel of each of them while modifying it in a way that works for what I'm trying to write. And look if y'all want to make suggestions about roles for the other amis please go ahead cause I only really have theories for a few of them.

So anyway on to the actual plot.

They all settle in and the next day, they're kinda just let loose in the city to explore. Look we all know that Grantaire is probably going to try to find a bar or a pub or something. The thing is... he ends up at the Stonewall Inn. For y'all that don't know, it was a bar that mainly catered to members of the LGBT+ community. For the first time, he's kinda like 'there are... other people like me? I'm not some sort of a freak for being a man who's in love with another man?' and all that. Through some turn of events, Enj and R (maybe even a group of them?) end up there the next night. I remember reading this thing about since how common police raids and in order to avoid undercover police (*glares at Jav*) there were all sorts of safety measures in place and to be allowed in, they had to 'look gay' and you can bet R takes full advantage of the fact that he's there with Enj to get in.

The police conduct a surprise raid on the bar, and it explodes from just a regular thing into a massive deal, with a massive crowd of spectators. It quickly becomes more and more heated and eventually violent. They fight back against the police because you know neither of them would ever go quietly. Enj and R end up getting arrested together before everything goes insanely out of control, and if anyone else from their group was there, they manage to get away. In prison, Enjy talks to R about the whole deal. Through that conversation, they discuss the LGBT+ movement (though I can't remember if it was called that at the time) and Enjy eventually admits he's not straight, and one of the reasons he ended up becoming the School Vigilante is because he used to be tormented for it, and taught himself how to fight back. He refuses to let anyone else go through the same suffering for it. His protection soon extended to anyone being bullied and picked on, not just fellow queer people. The two of them decide that something has to be done, and this is the start of something massive. Enj tells R that he'll be going back whenever they get released, and Grantaire agrees to go with him.

Jav and Jvj come and negotiate for the release of the two of them since they're visiting French students and all that. When they get back to the place they're staying, I imagine they get a massive yelling-at from Ferre and Courf and Ponine. None of them know the full story, only that the two of them were caught in a bar and got arrested. I'm not sure how old all of them are in this... they're all over 18 in the novel (if I've done my math right) so they weren't arrested for being underage, so there are all sorts of rumors flying around about the two of them.

The next day, someone, I'm not sure who, overhears the two of them discussing what happened the night before, though they've both agreed not to mention anything personal about each other, in case that exact situation of being overheard occurs. However, the person who listens in on them goes to the rest of the group and talks about the protests, and eventually come to the decision that yes, what's happening is a massive deal, and they kinda all want to be part of it? Even if not all of them are part of the community, like Marius and Cosette, they're all very supportive allies and agree to join in these protests. Enj and R try to sneak out when they're confronted with the rest of the students. The two of them think the others are going to try to stop them until Courf steps up and says "like hell we're letting you do this alone,"

They all meet up before the Stonewall, joining a crowd of over a thousand people, surging against the police cordons. The bar itself has smashed windows and looks like someone tried to burn it, but it's still defiantly staying open. R gets his hands on a bunch of rainbow spray paint and joins in a group grafitting walls and buildings. Is grafitting even a word? Grafitti-ing? I dunno. But I had to look up when spray paint was invented and began being used and now I can tell you all about the history of aerosol. Being a writer, right?

They stick around for the rest of the week, joining in various rallies and protests at night, participating in the actual point of their trip during the day. Jav and Jvj obviously know what their students are doing, but they’ve both decided to not mention it at all.

One morning after the group has been out all night, they all escape the chaos and catch rides to Central Park? Maybe? I’ll have to see if that’s even possible. More research, yay!

Anyway, probably Central Park. I don’t really care how improbable it is rn. And we just get a series of shots of all the couples together who’ve found each other.

Enjolras and Grantaire, Courfeyrac and Combeferre, Joly and Bossuet, Bahorel and Feully, Maruis and Cosette. I’m going for lesbian or ace Eponine. Maybe both? If anyone else has suggestions, please lemme know.

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The only problem is, will I ever get around to actually writing this? No, probably not.

Sorry for the long post! Look I get that people feel weird leaving long replies or whatever but I promise you it's totally okay. More responses = me being more likely to actually write this, please and thank you! I'll probably come back to this someday and see if I can update it and add even more ideas and stuff to it, because I feel like I could turn this into a pretty cool fic, if anyone's even interested in it. Thank you so much, everyone!

#les mis #les miserables #au #alternate universe #stonewall #stonewall riots #history #enjolras #grantaire #courfeyrac #combeferre #enjoltaire #courferre #les amis #les amis de l'abc #marius #cosette #eponine

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tigerkirby215 · 5 years ago

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5e Tianhuo the Fire of Huoshan build (Them’s Fightin’ Herds)

(Artwork by Mane 6)

看最長的龍馬！

In my attempt to branch out from making nothing but League of Legends builds here’s a character from Them’s Fightin’ Herds! The Fighting is Magic project is something I followed for quite awhile and I was quite happy to back their IndieGoGo. (You can find my name in the credits!) While I’m personally not that great at fighting games TFH is a lot of fun and is rather welcoming to newcomers with several features to move it away from the traditional elite crowd that fighting games draw in.

Personally I’m a garbage Tian spammer who has no idea how to combo or do anything. (Occasionally play Papi and do want to learn Oli someday. Warlock Unicorn uwu) Tian has a fun rushdown style and focuses on aerial combos which as a garbage Bella / Beo spammer in Skullgirls really tickles my fancy.

GOALS

拳頭格鬥遊戲 - Them’s Fightin’ Herds is a game of hoof-to-hoof combat. Tianhou needs to punch, kick, and flip with the best of them.

龍的火焰 - The longmas of Huoshan channel the dragon’s fire magic into every strike. I mean, how else could you tolerate living on a volcano?

龍的飛行 - With wings of flame we’ll need to be able to take off in combat.

RACE

There are two directions we can go for the race: Centaur or Dragonborn.

Centaurs are interesting if you want to channel more of the horse aspect of Tian. You get a plus two to Strength and a plus one to Wisdom, but notably you start with 40 feet of movement putting you 10 feet ahead of everyone else. You also count as a Fey instead of Humanoid which does have some interesting interactions with spells like Hold Person. But as a Centaur you get the Charge feature which lets you make an unarmed strike with your hooves after making a weapon attack, and your Hooves do damage equal to a d4 plus your strength modifier. However full disclosure we won’t need that extra attack for this build, and your Equine Build affecting your climbing speed isn’t that useful either. You do get extra skills from Survivor however but seeing as we won’t be using Centaur I’ll talk about our other option:

Dragonborn! Dragonborn are much easier to summarize than Centaurs and are going to be our race of choice. You get a +2 increase to Strength and a +1 to Charisma along with a choice of Draconic Ancestry. Your ancestry of choice will determine your Damage Resistance as well as the damage type and shape of your Breath Weapon. For maximum fire damage choose either Brass, Red, or Gold depending on what size of breath weapon you want. I personally opted for Gold as gold is good luck in Chinese mythology. But most importantly Dragonborn won’t immediately label you as the guy playing their MLP OC at the table... it’s not an OC dammit!

ABILITY SCORES

15; DEXTERITY - You move so fast your hair is literally on fire!

14; WISDOM - “The wise are like a river; they go forward and upward, never backward or downward.” ― Matshona Dhliwayo

13; CHARISMA - You need an intimidating face to bring your soldiers in line. Charisma is also a requirement to multiclass.

12; CONSTITUTION - To fight with an ice-slinging diva, occultist unicorn, or crazy love-bug alpaca you need to be able to take a hit.

10; INTELLIGENCE - To study the art of war you need to be smart. As a general you follow the orders but you need to know why.

8; STRENGTH - While I wish this could be higher it’s unfortunately not too necessary for this build, but thankfully our racial bonus will increase this to a flat 10.

BACKGROUND

Your background is very straight forward for Tianhuo: you’re a Soldier. You get proficiency in Athletics and Intimidation as well as land vehicles and a gaming set: I’d opt for Three-Dragon Ante as it makes sense for a dragon soldier.

As a Soldier you get a Military Rank, meaning that soldiers in the Huoshan army defer to you. In addition you can influence other soldiers to provide aid, access to military encampments, or horses... to ride. That’s insulting!

(Artwork by Mane 6)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - MONK 1

We’ll be starting off as Monk so we can kick as well as flip. You get proficiency in two Monk skills: Acrobatics are a must and for your second skill I’d opt for Insight so you can tell if your soldiers are lying to you. You also get proficiency in one Musical Instrument or Artisan’s Tool and of course we must go for Calligrapher's Supplies; the pen’s mightier than the sword and to master the pen makes you the mightiest of them all.

But as a Monk you get Unarmored Defense equal to 10 plus your Dexterity and Wisdom modifier. While Tian has been shown to wear armor it’s mostly for show, and she mainly fights with nothing but her scales to protect her. You also get Martial Arts which have a bunch of benefits:

You can wield Monk Weapons, including shortswords and any simple melee weapon that doesn’t have the heavy or two-handed property.

You can use Dexterity instead of Strength for the attack and damage rolls of your unarmed strikes and monk weapons.

You can roll a d4 for the damage of your unarmed strike or monk weapon.

When you Attack with an unarmed strike or a monk weapon you can make one unarmed strike as a bonus action.

As a Huoshan warrior you’d be trained to use a spear or a sword, but at the end of the day your weapon of choice is your two hooves... hands... being a horse in D&D is weird.

LEVEL 2 - MONK 2

Second level Monks get Ki points to use on a variety of combat techniques. Flurry of Blows lets you make two attacks with your bonus action instead of one, Patient Defense lets you take the dodge action as a bonus action, and Step of the Wind doubles your jump distance and lets you take the Dash or Disengage action on your turn as a bonus action.

In addition second level Monks get Unarmored Movement to move 10 feet faster if they’re not wearing armor or using a shield. You need to rush your opponents and never let up! Stop trying to hit me and hit me!

LEVEL 3 - MONK 3

Level 3 Monks get their Monastic Tradition and there are a lot of traditions to choose from for a fire horse-dragon: Four Elements, Kensei, Sun Soul... but the fighting style of choice for fighting characters would be Way of the Open Hand. Open Hand Monks get Open Hand Technique: when you hit an enemy with Flurry of Blows you can force a variety of effects on your target. You can either force a Dexterity saving throw or knock them prone, force a Strength saving throw or push them 15 feet away, or just make it so they can’t take reactions until the end of your next turn.

You also get Deflect Missiles which lets you reduce the damage of a ranged weapon attack by a d10 plus your Dexterity modifier and your Monk level. If you reduce the weapon’s attack to 0 you can spend a Ki point to throw it back at the enemy like a dart. Most of your opponents are blasting you with magic but that’s just because they know how pointless a bow would be. Burn up any projectile before kicking it back at them!

LEVEL 4 - MONK 4

At level 4 you can spread your wings of fire with Slow Fall, reducing any falling damage you take by 5 times your Monk level.

You also get an Ability Score Improvement or Feat and the Athlete feat will let you quickly get up if a cow causes an earthquake. Standing up only uses 5 feet of movement, climbing doesn't cost you extra movement, and you can make a running jump after moving only 5 feet. You can also increase either your Strength or Dexterity and of course we’ll be going for Dexterity for nice even numbers.

LEVEL 5 - MONK 5

5th level Monks get an Extra Attack, adding up to 3 attacks total or 4 attacks when you use Flurry of Blows. Speaking of attacks your Martial Arts die increases to a d6 at this level. But most notably you get Stunning Strike to start up some combos: when you hit a target with a melee weapon you can spend 1 ki point to force a Constitution saving throw or stun the target until the end of your next turn. Keep your enemies in hit stun and get that Ultra Combo!

(Artwork by Aegann on DeviantArt)

LEVEL 6

Now that we know how to fight it’s time to get our wings and learn how to fly. There are a lot of subclasses that can get the ability to fly: Sorcerers and Wizards can learn the Flight spell but get a bit too much magic for my liking, and while Artificers can make Winged Boots that requires a lot of level investment and Tian is hardly an inventor. I want a class that can provide powerful and consistent results, all with an infernal flair to keep us in the fight.

WARLOCK 1

Here’s a shocker huhn! You can rule the Warlock multiclass as a variety of things: the strength of your dragon mother, your allegiance to Huoshan... regardless you’re going to have to explain why you have a Fiend as your Otherworldly Patron. I have to remind everyone that the names of the classes are suggestions only! Feel free to roleplay them however you want.

Regardless: Fiend Warlocks get Dark One’s Blessing, granting them temporary hit points whenever they slay an enemy equal to their Charisma modifier plus their Warlock level.

You also get Pact Magic allowing you to cast some dragonfire! Prestidigitation will let you do a variety of small tricks including heating food and drinks with your fire breath or lightning candles with a puff of flame. And since this is a Warlock build you may as well take Eldritch Blast to fight at range - it’s more of Oleander’s thing yes but it’s not like you have much else to choose from.

You also get two spells of your choice at this level: Burning Hands from the Fiend list is a more potent dragonfire, and Hellish Rebuke will let you burn anyone that strikes you.

LEVEL 7 - WARLOCK 2

Second level Warlocks get Eldritch Invocations: Devil’s Sight will let you fight in the dark because Dragonborn don’t have Darkvision for some reason. Fiendish Vigor will give you a bit of added vitality to block some attacks during a fight. These are the choices I’d personally go for but there are a few other suggestions I can make:

Armor of Shadows will increase your AC by 1 at the moment since you only have +2 in your Wisdom.

Beguiling Influence will make you a master of social affairs, though Deception isn’t very in-character for you.

Agonizing Blast, Eldritch Sight, and Eyes of the Rune Keeper are all just generally useful.

You also learn another spell at this level and Hex will let you do an extra d6 of damage with every hit in your combo. Considering that as a Monk you can attack a total of 4 times per turn that’s a lot of damage!

LEVEL 8 - WARLOCK 3

Third level Warlocks get access to their Pact Boon, and seeing as Tian doesn’t use weapons or have a familiar we’ll of course be going for Pact of the Tome. You get three cantrips from any class’ spell list: Control Flames will allow you to channel your dragon lineage to do some funky fire magic, and while there are other fire spells (Firebolt / Produce Flame) they’re not nearly as useful for us so take Guidance to assist your soldiers and Thaumaturgy for the voice of a general. (As well as some more fire shenanigans.)

You also get access to second level spells and Scorching Ray will let you spread your wings to scorch three enemies within 120 feet of you.

LEVEL 9 - WARLOCK 4

4th level Warlocks get an Ability Score Improvement and you’re going to want to further increase your Dexterity for stronger strikes and tougher scales.

You also get another spell at this level but I’d hold off on it for now since we get some pretty good stuff at our next level. You do get another cantrip but truthfully you can grab just about anything and still remain in-flavor. I personally opted for Create Bonfire because it’s a fire.

LEVEL 10 - WARLOCK 5

First and foremost 5th level Warlocks get access to 3rd level spells and there’s two in particular we want: Fly gives a creature you touch (ideally yourself) a flying speed of 60 feet. Secondly Fireball... you know what this is. It’s Fireball. In D&D. Use Fireball and only Fireball; nothing but Fireball. Just Fireball. Just Fireball. Just Fireball. Jokes you can now fly and use your super! 闷烧踢燃烧��！ (Thanks to the TFH devs on their official Discord for giving me the kanji for Tian’s super.)

5th level Warlocks also get another Invocation. Cloak of Flies can be good for an immolation aura or if you want to straighten up your soldiers but feel free to take other options from earlier levels if you so desire. If your DM allows Unearthed Arcana the Class Feature Variants UA has a few options: Eldritch Mind can help compensate for your low Constitution so you don’t stop flying, and Far Scribe can be nice to keep in touch with your soldiers over long distances.

LEVEL 11 - WARLOCK 6

6th level Fiend Warlocks get Dark One’s Own Luck, letting them add a d10 to an ability check or saving throw. It’s called “luck” but you can contribute it to raw skill. You also get your last spell at this level and while I personally opted for Counterspell you can take just about anything. Truthfully all we’ll really be using is Fly and Fireball.

(Artwork by unousaya on DeviantArt)

LEVEL 12 - MONK 6

Straight through Monk now. Level 6 Monks get Ki-Empowered Strikes making their fists magical for the sake of overcoming resistances. Paprika’s wool might be able to absorb regular blows but they can’t absorb the flames of Huoshan! Your Unarmored Movement also increases to 15 feet, giving you 45 feet of movement total.

Open Hand Monks meanwhile get Wholeness of Body. You can take an action once per Long Rest to regain an amount of hitpoints equal to three times your Monk level. They can knock you down but they aren’t ready for Round 2!

LEVEL 13 - MONK 7

7th level Monks get Evasion: if you’re forced to make a Dexterity saving throw you only take half damage if you fail, and you take no damage if you succeed. Blocking is great and all but dodging is important to avoid chip damage! You also get Stillness of Mind letting you channel your inner dragon to remove an effect of Charming or Frightening on you as an action.

LEVEL 14 - MONK 8

8th level Monks get an Ability Score Improvement: cap off your Dexterity for swift strikes and expert evasion.

LEVEL 15 - MONK 9

Level 9 Monks get an Unarmored Movement Improvement letting them run across water or along walls as long as they end their turn on solid ground. Clearly this isn’t you running “across” the water or “along” the wall but rather you just gliding over them.

LEVEL 16 - MONK 10

Level 10 Monks get Purity of Body, making you as hearty as a horse and immune to Poison and Disease. Your Unarmored Movement also increases by 5 feet for +20 feet, or 50 feet total. Just a reminder that the Fly spell makes you move 60 feet per turn.

LEVEL 17 - MONK 11

Level 11 Open Hand Monks are affected by Tranquility, giving them the effects of the Sanctuary spell whenever they finish a long rest. Sanctuary does go away if you attack though, which by the way your Martial Arts die increases to a d8 at this level.

LEVEL 18 - MONK 12

12th level Monks get another Ability Score Improvement and you have a few options: Constitution will increase your health and the effectiveness of your fire breath as well as help you keep your concentration on Fly, Wisdom will increase your AC and make your Open Hand techniques / Stunning Strike harder to resist, and Charisma will let you roleplay the captain better and give you better attacks with your fire magic. And of course if none of those appeal to you feel free to take a Feat instead: this build is just a suggestion and you’re welcome to change it however you want.

LEVEL 19 - MONK 13

Level 13 Monks get Tongue of the Sun and Moon, allowing you to speak and understand all languages. I’m sure the translators have already localized you for every region: they certainly have China down!

LEVEL 20 - MONK 14

Level 14 Monks get our final Unarmored Movement increase, bringing your movement speed up to 55 total. Reminder that this is 5 under your speed if you cast Fly.

But more importantly you get Diamond Soul as your capstone, giving your proficiency in all saving throws! This is insanely useful for keeping your Concentration on Fly, and now your lowest saving throws should be a +6 while your highest saving throw (still Dexterity) is at a whopping +11! 鑽石堅不可摧！

FINAL BUILD

PROS

迅速的火焰 - You have an immense amount of mobility with 55 feet of movement that can go across water and along walls as well as the ability to quickly get on your feet and jump into the action. And if worse comes to worse you can fly!

四分之一圈沖床 - Unlike most Monks you have quite a few good ranged options, and even though you’re best in melee you’re not above some projectile spam like Velvet.

像馬一樣健康 - You have quite a bit of sturdiness to you. Good AC, proficiency in all saving throws, 9 Temporary Hitpoints whenever you strike an enemy down, and Wholeness of Body giving you a 42 HP pickup when needed.

CONS

冰很好 - All your damage is either bludgeoning or fire. Remember that you are allowed to take spells that are less roleplay-focused if you want to do better in the mirror match.

你一定是 MAD - The Warlock dip makes an already MAD (Multi-Ability Dependent) class even MADder. This build requires Dexterity, Wisdom, Charisma, and Constitution is also good to have. See if you can grab some Ioun Stones, stat tomes, or a better initial stat array; because damn you’ll need it.

英雄不孤單 - The truth is that while the Warlock dip is nice to throw Fireballs we really don’t need flight from the Fly spell. If you have an Artificer or a cool DM you can easily get either a pair of Winged Boots or the Wings of Flying to give you the flight speed. And even then as a Monk you truthfully have more than enough mobility to not need flight on top of it.

But self-sufficiency isn’t a weakness. Of course a general is nothing without an army, and while Foenum may rule one-on-one combat the rules are different in the forgotten realms. Command your troops and take the frontline to fight the predators back! Just know when to take a loss and call it quits: no one likes a salty dragon-horse.

(Artwork by kompy on DeviantArt)

#DnD 5e #dnd build #dnd guide #dnd monk #dnd #them's fightin' herds #tfh #Tianhuo #them's fightin' herds Tianhuo #tfh Tianhuo #longma #ungulate

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bts-aesthetic-drabbles · 5 years ago

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House Party: Part 1

Background Info: You are a foreign exchange student at Seoul University where you are studying in medical school.

Warnings: Sexual Content, Drugs, Alcohol, Swearing, Angst

I am running down the overcrowded sidewalk of my school aggressively trying to make it on time to my 8 o'clock Chemistry class, for the third day in a row. With mid terms coming up in the next few weeks, I have been desperately trying to prepare for them by staying after class for extra labs and lectures. I have lost track of how many "all nighters" I have pulled this past semester.

I have to keep my grades up in order to keep my spot in Seoul University's highly sought after medical program. I was lucky enough to get in based on my outstanding test scores, but maintaining the same standard of test scores in university is not nearly as simple as it was for me when I was in high school.

I finally stumble into the lecture hall just in the nick of time as the professor calls my name, "-(Y/N). Huffing and puffing in exhaustion I drop down onto my seat and sling my heavy backpack on the floor as I raise my hand to make my attendance known to the professor.

I have got to start sleeping more...I can not afford a single tardy or missed class. My parents will be so unbelievably disappointed if I manage to get kicked out of this program that I’ve worked so hard to get into.

"Hey! You left this on the table yesterday on your way out of class. I tried to chase you down to return it to you but you ran off too fast for me keep up " a melodic voice chuckles from behind me as a large hand pops up next to my head.

In the hand is my cherry colored faux leather journal that is filled with very personal drawings, poetry and photos that I have taken throughout the past few years. It was been with me for quite a long time and houses some of my deepest and darkest feelings. I am mortified to think that someone might have seen what all is inside it.

I can feel my cheeks blushing like crazy as I look up any meet the gaze of the man’s shining eyes. His kind and comforting smile makes makes my heart flutter. I carefully reach out and take the small journal from his outstretched hand and look down at the desk in front of me as I grasp the framiliar book. I really hope he didn’t look at any of the things in this book...some of its contents are beyond embarrassing.

“You really should hold onto personal things like that better. There are some cruel people out there that might try to use something like that against you one day.” He says politely with a shrug as I take the book from his hand and clutch it to my chest. Ah, so he probably did at least glace over it for him to know it’s very personal. I wonder what all he saw? Was he looking for something in particular, perhaps it was just my name? I really shouldn’t always assume the worst in every situation.

None the less, he did find it and return it to me so he is owed a thank you, “ Thank you so much, I have been so scatter brained lately. I can’t seem to keep my head on straight!” I bow my head lightly to the guy and turn my attention towards the front of the class as the professor begins his lecture.

Throughout class I can’t seem to focus on anything the teacher is saying, my heart is pounding in my chest and my mind keeps on reeling. I feel like I am drowning in my own thoughts about what the guy next to me is thinking about me and what he might have seen in my notebook.

Was it something super sad and embarrassing like an emotionally charged journal entry about how lonely I am because I have no family around here and I’ve lost all my friends since moving countries. Perhaps he saw some of the (potentially creepy) polaroids I’ve taken of random groups of friends on campus that are laughing and playing games together.

Maybe be saw the sketches of random people, places and things that inspire me. The emotions, sights and experiences of everyday life that make it so beautifully fascinating.

Maybe he took the time to look at everything in the book and maybe was able to piece together how much of a depressed loner I am. Maybe he looked at the contents and connected the dots of my soul that show exactly who I am and how I feel. And maybe he showed it to all of his friends and they had a good laugh together at how much of a loser I am.

Negative thoughts continue to roll around in my brain until finally I am forced to snap back to reality as the teacher ends class and people start slamming textbooks closed all around me. I shake my head and look down at the pencil in my hand and find that I had covered my blank paper for notes in doodles of random things.

I take a deep breath and begin packing my notebook and pens back into my bag as I force my mind to refocus on reality. I can not believe that completely zoned out for this entire class, I am going to be up all night tonight trying to read what I missed. It’s not like I have any friends here that I can get the notes from. Great job (y/n), way to totally fuck yourself over yet again....

Just as I reach to tuck my red journal I nto my bag I find that there is a small folded piece of paper sticking out of the top of it. I bite my lip lightly and tuck the paper further into the pages of the book and make a mental note to check it out later as I stuff the book into my backpack and shuffle out of the nearly empty classroom.

As that was my last class for the day I decide to make my way to the large courtyard in front of the main part of campus. The courtyard is often filled with students studying and hanging out with friends at any given time of day. People like to play sports, board games, read and have meals in the lush green grass.

Most days I set up my portable hammock on a couple of trees that are off to the side of the large lawn. The spot is next to small garden that is filled with a dozen different kinds of flowers and has the best view of campus. I like to study here and people watch from my secluded little spot. It’s quiet and peaceful and helps me to get my buzzing thoughts together.

I set my hammock up and carefully lay down in it so I don’t too over, which I have done an embarrassing amount of times. I just kind of flop backwards out of the nylon swing with my limbs flailing like out of some kind of cartoon.

I pull out my journal and open it up to the page where the folded note is. With slightly shaking hands I unfold it and read what the scribbled Korean handwriting says.

Hi! I want you to let know that I tried very hard not to look at what all was in your book when I found it yesterday. I just wanted to find your name so I knew who I was returning it to but...as I flipped through your journal I fell in love with your art. Your photos and drawings had me in a trance, the way you capture the essence of such complex things like emotions and relationships is so unique and it really moved me.

One of my best friends is an art major here and I think he would die to see some of the things you’ve created.

Also, I noticed that a lot of your book was written in English, which is so cool! I’d love to hear you speak some English sometime. Maybe you can meet another one of my friends who also speaks fluent English as well!

Sorry for rambling...Anyways,

I’ve noticed that you always seem to be in such a rush...and seeing how full your book is, you don’t seem to get out very much. So, I’ve decided that you are coming to party with me this weekend. I can tell that you need to get out of your own head and have some fun for a change. I know you will probably want to say no, so here is some motivation for you to agree:

1. I am not some kind of crazy person that is trying to lure you off campus to hurt you or something. The party is at one of the frat houses just off of campus and there will be a bunch of people there so you don’t have to worry about that. You are welcome to bring a friend if you want.

2. There will be plenty of food, drinks and fun involved. I can introduce you to the friends that I mentioned earlier.

3. I will let you copy my notes from class today since you seemed to be a little spacey and in another world today.

I can’t wait to hear from you! Text me for details! (XXX-XXXX)

-Jeon Jungguk

The handwriting is rushed and a little scratchy in nature. At the bottom of the note I spot a cute drawing of a planet and some stars on it, along with a tiny smiley face.

A party? I’ve never once in my life been to a real party...what do you even wear to a party? What do you do? I can’t imagine that I would be much fun to even hang out with considering I literally bake cupcakes in my dorm room microwave on Friday nights while listening to recorded lectures as a form of ‘fun’.

But maybe it’s for that exact reason that I should try to have some real fun for once. Fun that other people my age are having.

I type Jungguks number into my phone and send him a text with a little planet emoji to let him know that it’s me. He responds almost immediately with, “Ah, so you got my note! So, what do you say? Will you be coming?”

I agree to come and he texts me the address and time for the party and tells me to be sure to pack a small bag with some essentials just incase we end up staying at the party over night. I googled it and apparently, that is a normal thing that sometimes occurs at parties...

I scuttle up and out of my hammock and fold it up and put it in my backpack along with my journal and begin making my way to my small apartment on the far end of campus. I was lucky enough to be able to afford an apartment rather than having to stay in one of the school crowded dorm rooms.

I quickly make my way down the sidewalk towards my home. After several minutes the framiliar grey and white building comes into my sight and I watch as dozens of my fellow students make their way in and out of the popular apartment complex.

The place is nothing that special but it is conveniently in the middle of campus and even pretty modern with its decorations and room accomidations, expecially considering the cheap rent.

I currently am staying in one of the one room studio styles apartments that is on the top floor of the glass building. I press the elevator button and watch as the doors immediately open and reveal an empty elevator. How fast and convenient! That never happens!

I scurry into the elevator and begin rapidly pressing the close door button before anyone can get on. I hate riding the elevator all the way to the top floor with a group of university students.

Just as the door is about to close a tan arms shoots through the narrow gap in the door and says, “hold that elevator please!” Damnit. So close.

I press the ‘door open’ button of the control panel and the door dings and reopens to reveal a very disheveled and stressed looking man.

His dark brown hair is askew and one arm is overflowing with textbooks and lose pieces of paper. He must be a science major. His aura reeks of chaos and stress, much like me.

He clamors into the elevator and flashes a dimpled smile my way as he thanks me with a small bow, “Floor 7 please. Thank you so much, I am in a huge rush. I got out of a study group late and I really need to get back to my room so I can take care of my plants! I’m already a whole hour behind schedule and I’m sure they are dying of thirst andI need to cook something for dinner and...ah sorry I’m rambling and I am sure you must think I am crazy....” He says as he runs a long hand through his messy hair and glances at the floor.

My eyes must have been wide as saucers as I tried to process the guys increasingly panicked speech, “Uh, no I don’t think you are crazy. I just think you are stressed out and in need of a break. Which I totally understand. You must be a science major like me. Hello, my name is (y/n)” I say with a friendly smile as I extend my hand towards him.

His eyes light up and he sticks his hand out towards mine and shakes it once before running his hand through his hair again, “Hi (y/n), my name is Namjoon! Actually I am an English and world studies major, but I am getting my minor is in science. What made you think I was a science major?”

Oh an English major, I bet he can speak English! I haven’t met too many English majors here in Korea. I decide to switch from Korean to English and speak the the guy to test his ability, “Ah, it was the large stack of books and the intensely stressed aura you had on you Namjoon. I think you should take some time to destress before you make yourself sick” I say in perfect English.

I watch as his eyes go wide and his mouth parts slightly as he hears me speak English yet he responds quickly and easily is English, “You speak English so well! You must not be from Korea... And yes stress is defiantly a problem. But I am trying to study as much as I can today before I spend my weekend relaxing and having fun with some friends. I advise you to do the same science major (y/n). It was nice meeting you! See you around!” He says as the elevator stops on floor 7 and the door opens allowing him to step out.

The door closes and the elevator fills with silence as I smile to myself remembered the cute dimples smile of the man I just met. The elevator ascends on more floor to my floor and I step out and make my way to my room.

I unlock the door with my keycode and push my door open and remove my shoes before stepping into the framiliar room. I flick the lights on and I can hear the faint hum of electricity as the room is illuminated. I throw my backpack down on my dining room table and sigh loudly as I throw myself face down on my nearby bed.

What a day.

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lostinthewinterwood · 4 years ago

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Hetswap 2020

Hey there friend! Thanks for creating for me.

Sorry this letter’s late—it includes the general likes and fandom-specific notes that my signup is tragically lacking.

My other exchange letters can be found here, and all the fandoms I’ve linked have fandom-specific request tags too. I’d be happy to get treats in any medium.

General DNW non/dub-con; non-canonical major character death; heavy angst; hurt no comfort; on-page deliberate self-harm*; on-page suicide; smut; gore; grimdark; complete downer endings; character bashing; incest; cringe comedy; a/b/o; mpreg; graphic eye trauma; graphic hand trauma; issuefic; unrequested full-setting aus; unrequested identity headcanons; a focus on unrequested romantic relationships**. *I don’t include things like, say, punching a wall in a fit of emotion under this. however, something like cutting would not be appreciated. **canonical levels of canonical ships are perfectly fine; background non-canon ships that I haven’t dnw’d are okay too.

General Likes

– I really like plotty fics

– Secret identity and disguise shenanigans, the more layers to them and more absurdity the better.

– Crossdressing for whatever reason and gender disguises, also for whatever reason, though not as a kink—that I enjoy less.

– A focus on family and/or friendship, especially characters realizing they’re not nearly as alone as they think they are, and just generally characters who like each other and enjoy spending time together

– Found family; families of choice

– Character studies

– Worldbuilding

– Canon-divergence AUs and missing scenes; things set pre- or post-canon; wriggling into canon and poking at it to see what it spits back at you, if that description makes any sense at all.

Art Things(??)

I’ll be real here, I’ve never requested art before; I don’t really know how best to prompt for it. I like a lot of different styles, though, so—if you matched on art or want to make art, just, do your style? I’m sure I’ll like it! For the visual media, definitely don’t feel pressured to stick to the canonical art style if you don’t want to. Seriously—digital, traditional, some combination—you do you.

As I, again, don’t really know how to prompt well for art, I haven’t given art prompts even where I’ve requested art. Don’t feel pressured to try to work any of the proposed scenarios into your art, though if you feel inspired by them that’s great; just give me the characters together, however you think best—that will be enough.

Podfic

My only podfic-specific comment is that I do generally appreciate not having very sudden volume shifts, especially from quiet to loud, as I like to listen on headphones. Apart from that, again, go with your style :D

Original Work

· Male reforester who's planted thousands of trees/Female dryad of the new forest

· Male Student Mage Disguised as a Girl/Female Student Warrior Disiguised as a Boy

· Male Student Mage Disguised as a Girl/Female Fellow Student Mage

· Runaway Princess/King of Thieves

· Sheltered Prince/Roguish Female Thief

· Teen Girl Medium/Ghost of a Murdered Detective Helping her Solve the Case (OW)

· Teenage Supervillainess with a Secret Identity/Teenage Superhero with a Secret Identity

· Teenage Supervillain with a Secret Identity/Teenage Superheroine with a Secret Identity

· Fanfiction

This isn't a hard-and-fast rule, but I'd rather all the human characters in relationships be at least fifteen, and I'd rather not have a very large age gap (say, >5 years) if one of the characters is underage. (For the medium/ghost, you don't need to keep it that small; just maybe don't draw too much attention to it and/or make her an older teenager lol).

fandom-specific dnw: predatory manipulation between characters in the relationship in service of the relationship--if, for example, the superheroes/villains are manipulating each other for non-relationship things and such that's okay, but i'd rather both parties in any of the ships be interested in the romance of their own accord. Additionally—this isn’t in my signup—please don’t have characters react to any gender-disguised characters (or characters in general, but it’s most relevant to them) in transphobic or transphobic-adjacent ways (i.e. none of the characters are requested as trans, but I still wouldn’t want to see the kinds of comments people make about trans people aimed at them).

Reforester/Dryad—I really like, idk, the vibe I get off this one—it’s got a very nice atmosphere? I don’t really know how better to say it, I’m sorry.

Student Mage/Student Warrior; Student Mage/Student Mage—obviously I love identity and disguise shenanigans; it always struck me as tragic when I was younger that there were all these stories about girls disguised as boys, but no one ever seemed to do the reverse? Hence prompts such as these. I’d love an identity/gender reveal, or maybe a post-reveal setting; I’d really rather not see them engage in any kind of serious romance without both of their genders being accurately known to the other, though flirting is definitely okay, as would be a date or two. It’d be fun to go with some variety of mutual pining pre-reveal though, that could make the reveal all the sweeter.

Runaway Princess/King of Thieves; Sheltered Prince/Roguish Thief—these seem to be mirrors of each other, somewhat at least; how does a royal meet a thief? Does our princess find herself in the criminal underworld when she runs away? Does our prince have a burglar appear on his balcony, or does he perhaps meet a girl at a masquerade who’s no noble and instead a thief?

Medium/Ghost—lots of fun shenanigans you can go into here! What kind of case are they working on? How does a relationship work, when one of you is alive and the other isn’t?

Supervillain(ess)/Superhero(ine)—love me some superhero identity shenanigans. Do they know each other in their normal lives? Are their identities secret from each other, or only the world? How do they first fall for each other—were they friends in their normal lives and enemies in masks? Is this enemies-to-lovers, friends-to-lovers, or maybe something in-between? How do they reconcile a romantic relationship with one being a hero and the other a villain?

Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventure

· Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider/Rapunzel (Cartoon)

· Eugene Fitzherbert | Flynn Rider/Stalyan (Cartoon)

· Fanfiction

Eugene/Rapunzel—they’re adorable. I love them. Give me more—a moment in their lives? Something in the year before the series starts; something post-canon? Or maybe glimpses of them on the road?

Eugene/Stalyan—I will admit that this certainly isn’t my endgame ship for this canon, but I’d really love something pre-canon, when they were engaged or dating—what was their relationship like? How did they interact with each other and the world? Maybe a heist fic; that could be fun. My interpretation from what we get in canon is that their relationship wasn’t necessarily the healthiest (healthy relationships don’t usually lead to one getting left at the altar, after all) but it didn’t seem to me that it was necessarily abusive; I’d appreciate it if it was kept out of the actually abusive zone.

Hanging Out with a Gamer Girl (Manga)

· Terazaki Kaoru/Takekawa Izumi (HOwaGG)

· Terazaki Kaoru/Ousaka Nanami (HOwaGG)

· Fanart

· Fanfiction

· Podfic

Fandom-specific dnw: sexualization of Kaoru’s crossdressing, full justification of Kaoru’s fears re: Nanami’s dad

Kaoru/Izumi—they’re both cute; they have cute interactions; give me more of that?

Kaoru/Nanami—I, admittedly, don’t usually ship these two—but I love their friendship. Give me more of that, show me how it becomes a romance?

My typical DNW for unrequested setting aus does not apply here; if you want to write an au and want some ideas, I requested several in my AUEx letter.

Tortall – Tamora Pierce

· Stiloit Tasikhe/Varice Kingsford

· Kaddar Iliniat/Kalasin of Conté

· Roald II of Conté/Shinkokami of Conté

· Fanfiction

fandom-specific dnw: characters in the political marriages hating being married to their spouse throughout the fic--they can start off with reservations or not liking it but i'd really rather end with them at the very least liking their spouse.

Stiloit/Varice—they had quite interesting interactions, the few times they got the chance; Varice is a bit young for him in Tempests and Slaughter, but say he didn’t die—say he was alive still when she grew up a bit more—what does their relationship look like? What changes in the wider story, if Stiloit doesn’t die, if Ozorne doesn’t become quite so close to the throne as young as he does?

Kaddar/Kalasin; Roald/Shinko—these are both political marriages between characters who either seem to like each other or like they’d have a reasonable chance to like each other; what does marriage look like when you came into it as a diplomatic thing rather than falling in love? How do they learn about and come to care for each other?

Revolutionary Arc – kitsunerei88

· Aldon Rosier/Francesca Lam (Revolutionary Arc)

· Aleksandr Willoughby Dragic/Fei Long Lin (Revolutionary Arc)

· Fanart

· Fanfiction

Aldon/Chess—they do not have enough fluff or gentleness in the story right now; I’d like some more, please. Maybe post-war, with Chess off at muggle university—how does Aldon do with living properly in the muggle world? What do Chess’s classmates/friends think of him? I would also happily accept fluff/soft things set in the universe of Blake.

Alex/Fei—they haven’t ah, interacted ever in canon that I recall, but they seem like they’d fit together well, if only for a little while—is this a wartime friends-with-benefits? Maybe post-war? If you go with the friends-with-benefits take here I wouldn’t necessarily mind a bit of smut, as long as it’s not only smut—please no PWP.

Rigel Black Chronicles – murkybluematter

· Arcturus Rigel Black/Pansy Parkinson (Rigel Black Series)

· Remus Lupin/Rispah Cooper (Rigel Black Series)

· Fanart

· Fanfiction

Archie/Pansy—so. Archie’s quite attached to Hermione right now; but he’s also fourteen. Not all romantic interests people have at age fourteen stay strong; I’d rather not have a hard break or too many hard feelings between him and Hermione, and I think he’d be interesting to see with Pansy. As for Pansy herself—she seems to be too close to Rigel as a friend to seriously consider him as a partner, but she did seem potentially interested in Harry at the Gala—perhaps she’d also be interested in Archie, when she gets to meet him properly. Maybe this is a post-reveal thing; perhaps in trying to get to know the real Black heir she falls for him? I don’t know.

Remus/Rispah—this is admittedly partly my inner Song of the Lioness fan coming out, but I’d love to see Remus learning more about the Lower Alleys and what goes on there, and conversely bringing Rispah more into his world too.

#hetswap #exchange letters #requested: art #requested: podfic #requested: fic #requested: original work #requested: rapunzel's tangled adventure #requested: hanging out with a gamer girl #requested: tortall #requested: revolutionary arc #requested: rigel black chronicles

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pisati · 6 years ago

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there’s a lot of things that contributed to my personality being what it is. I’ve managed to trace my current apprehension of my mother to the way she used to treat me when I was in high school. but I’ve always had deeper problems than that. I’ve mostly chalked it up to her just not understanding me-- not trying to. but that doesn’t feel like it either.

since before I can remember, I’ve had social issues. I don’t know if I want to say social anxiety; some of my issues were similar to kids with social anxiety, but once I was in a study for socially anxious kids and I wasn’t much like any of them. the only thing I can really think of that might have been social anxiety was making phone calls, but it wasn’t that I was nervous about social interaction, or nervous that the person on the other end would judge me or something. I just became incredibly self-conscious and uncomfortable.

I was always shy, I know that. I remember hiding behind my mom’s legs when people I didn’t know tried to talk to me. I remember my dad sitting on my bed with me when we lived in my first house; I must have been 5 at the oldest. I remember him telling me something about eye contact and how people expect that and it’s polite. I don’t remember my 5th or 6th birthday party, but I know within the last two years my mom stumbled upon pictures and made a face looking at them; I’d covered my face and started crying when everyone started singing happy birthday. I’m still a little bitter that she couldn’t have just foregone the “normal” tradition for my sake, instead of forcing this arbitrary thing I hated onto me.

I hated attention. always have, probably always will. I don’t remember crying and needing to be walked off the stage at a kindergarten performance, but it happened. I remember standing in front of my 5th grade class, face burning and throat tightening, after unsuccessfully trying to get my teacher to give me a pass on presenting. I quickly read through whatever it was I was reading and went back to my desk and put my head down; I remember snarling at the kid next to me who tried to tell me I did fine. also in 5th grade, my teacher snuck a picture of me during some thing I can’t remember now, though I expressly said I didn’t want to be in any pictures. I remember her laughing, but she realized soon it made me feel really bad. that same day I started feeling sick and had to be sent home; I remember being that upset was almost definitely the catalyst. and I did end up actually sick. I was only able to perform in string orchestra concerts starting in 5th grade because I was in a group and didn’t have to use my voice. in music class in elementary I refused to sing. I ended up being the designated sound person for class and for.. I guess one of my class’s performances that I refused to get on stage for. I was perfectly happy with that. I couldn’t stand the idea of being on a stage where people could see me. using my voice. the thought still makes me queasy. I still had problems in high school. I once weaseled my way out of a 10th grade Spanish presentation because I just.. couldn’t get up in front of the class. after I froze up during a 9th grade Spanish oral exam my mom took me to a psychiatrist. didn’t help anything. the first time I got up in front of a class and gave a presentation without heart palpitations, it was my 4th year of college and I was so pissed about the last-minute project I had to do that I powered through it on spite alone. it definitely got easier as I got older, but I avoid getting up in front of people as much as I can.

whenever I’d go to restaurants for my birthday I’d pray that if we mentioned it to the waitress they wouldn’t all parade out to the table with a dessert and sing. I remember when I was maybe elementary-age... mom had prepared something of a birthday surprise for me since I had to be at tennis camp for my birthday. I think my grandparents brought it in and I wasn’t expecting it. everyone sang me happy birthday and I wanted to die. I kept going on about how I felt so humiliated. that wasn’t the right word, but that was the only thing I had to associate with that feeling. I feel bad that my mom tried to do something nice and I reacted so strongly against it, but... she should have known me by then. this happened every fucking year; I was at least 10 by then. I had literally never once enjoyed public birthday spectacles. I didn’t need anything like that. I didn’t want anything like that. it’s honestly kind of her fault, if she did get upset by it. you can’t set yourself up for failure and then get upset when you fail. I feel like she’s always been upset that I’ve never fit into a “normal” mold, but... maybe I would’ve done just fine if she’d even tried to figure out where I did fit, instead of trying to force me somewhere I didn’t. it wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate her efforts; I resent that that kind of thing made me seem unappreciative. I just... wish that she’d maybe concentrated her efforts into something that suited me, rather than her idea of who she wanted me to be. this kind of thing isn’t one of those “exposure therapy helps” kind of deals. I hated it. even if I can stomach the discomfort now, that doesn’t make it any better. forcing me into things I hate will not make me hate them less.

it wasn’t that I was afraid of being laughed at under a spotlight. I wasn’t afraid of being judged, I don’t think. I wouldn’t have been afraid of that at 4-5, anyway. I feel like I’ve just never been able to stomach the idea of being seen. people being aware that I exist, paying attention to me and me alone. I’ve never wanted to be part of much of anything; if I do want to, I’ll do it. I’ve always preferred to be a passive observer. I loved the classes in college where “participation” wasn’t a grade; where I wasn’t forced to speak. where I could just sit in my corner of the room against the wall and watch and absorb. “wallflower” is an understatement. sometimes I almost feel like I’d be more comfortable if my life were a movie, where I were just watching and didn’t actually exist. I’ve always dreaded being called on in a magic act or something; being pulled onto a stage and asked to do something as part of a performer’s act. asked to speak into a microphone. I’ve pictured it in my head; I’d give the person such a death glare they’d leave me alone; why disrupt the flow of the act with someone who clearly doesn’t want to participate? I’ve pictured family goading me and encouraging them, which would likely infuriate me to the point of tears. I just want to be left alone. that’s the long and short of it. people can’t seem to accept that I can be perfectly happy on the sidelines or in the background, and in fact that’s exactly what I prefer. if I wanted to do the thing, I’d do it. but clearly I don’t, so let me make my choices and don’t fucking worry that I’m not “having fun”. it’ll be a hell of a lot less fun for everyone if I’m forced to do something I don’t want to do. people act so concerned that I’m “missing out”, as if I care? if I cared about missing out, I’d do it. “you don’t know what you’re missing” and I’ll never have to know, either. amazing how that works. people can’t just let you be.

but it’s not just that. I am so deeply uncomfortable with my family and I don’t know why. I’ve never been able to talk to them. least of all my mother. she’s probably the only person in my life I’ve ever actually been good at keeping secrets from. the less she knows about me the better. even driving home from Pittsburgh this past weekend, I had suggested we get a tape deck adapter so we didn’t have to listen to the same CD the entire drive home, but then when I realized that I’d have to share my music with her, I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I played Hozier’s new album. Beach House’s latest. Lucy Dacus. Better Oblivion. Boygenius, though that one made me feel weird and I’m not sure why. I was scrolling through my playlists looking for something, anything. not too weird, but more just... not too personally exposing. what was there to expose? why did I feel so apprehensive about my mother learning anything about me, even if it was just something about my taste in music?

I don’t have any earthly idea when that started. I’ve been trying to think back, and I just can’t. I do remember a possibly similar feeling of discomfort, when I was in early elementary school. 7 at the oldest. I don’t know why, but whenever I’d draw something and someone complimented it I’d rip it to shreds. I can’t explain that even now. I at least take compliments a little better now, ha. but that kind of reminds me of, like... if I’d just played on stage in an orchestra, and I’d left the stage and packed up and gone out into the audience or the school’s halls and saw my family, and my mom would be standing there beaming in that way she does... it’s that feeling. my stomach’s in knots just thinking about it. I don’t want to talk about what I did, I don’t want to acknowledge that anything happened. if I could rip up a moment like that like a piece of paper, I’m sure I would have. that’s why I stopped telling her when my orchestra concerts and tennis matches were. I wanted to avoid that feeling entirely.

did I react the same way to my dad? I don’t think so. literally everyone else in my life seemed tamer, reaction-wise. I don’t think my mom was ever over-the-top. she can seem really dramatic to me sometimes; the times I’ve seen her cry, it’s almost like a damn movie script. some of her reactions to things are just... weird, I don’t know. how she gasps so dramatically when something little startles her; like if I drop something it’s almost like I knocked an entire shelf over. her reaction scares me more than whatever the actual thing was. the jerky movements she’ll make with her head or her body when she talks about things. the slight bending and straightening of knees accompanied by what I can only describe as bouncing, rocking side to side, wringing her hands sometimes. she wonders why she’s so achy but she moves so choppily sometimes it’s hard to imagine she’s not straining herself. and she does use a baby voice quite a bit; it’s normal to me, but I’ve never seen anyone else do it; sometimes not even when talking to babies. I want to say that’s just youngest-child syndrome, but I’ve never heard it from anyone else. even A noticed last he was down here; my uncle had come down too and my mom, in her usual tone (the more playful, sing-songy of the normal tones): “and dis is my brother JAY-mie!”. like. you’re in your 50s, dude. we’re all adults. sometimes that in itself is embarrassing. it’s hard to describe how the way she acts is different from “normal” but when I’m around “normal” people it’s really obvious.

I’ve never liked the way she’s always gone on with “I can’t believe these gorgeous creatures I made”. I made. like I’m her property. before I got my tattoos it felt like she wasn’t happy with them because it was like I was defacing something that was hers.

I’ve been asking myself why. what about her is so different from everyone else. is it because I have a sense of stability from everyone else? I was never afraid dad would flip on me on a dime. I wanted to say that wasn’t exactly the reason, but I want to dig around in it a little more.

the way she looks at me when I do something she approves of. that smile she gives me, the slow blink. could be she’s just full of love for me, but what if it’s just the idea of me? that I’m finally fulfilling some idea she has of the kind of person she wants me to be? I don’t know if I’d say her affection feels faked, really. but I’ve also seen her behind closed doors. I’ve seen how she drops the sing-songy act and purses her lips and barely speaks to me because she’s had a long day and there are three of my bowls soaking in the sink. I’ve seen her bug-eyed and thin-lipped, shouting my name, counting to three. I’ve felt her knee kick into my thigh, felt her hand gripping my arm and trying to tug me out of my room. I’ve heard you should just go into your closet and shoot yourself and a half-assed attempt at an apology later. I’ve heard her, in her sharp, flat tone, say she’s taking away my phone or my laptop or any number of things I actually valued because of something stupid. I’ve watched her take her asshole boyfriend’s side plenty of times before me. watched her jump to defend my brother because he could do no wrong no matter how much he ever got on my nerves. just shut up so she’ll shut up. one day he’s going to grow much bigger than you and he’ll beat you into the ground and I’ll watch.

it wasn’t always like that. I did love my mom. I did like when she was proud of me. I used to go to her for comfort. I don’t know when I got so guarded. I have nothing to pinpoint that moment. I remember in middle school, her tugging at my clothes and me trying to twist away; I was trying to go to the neighborhood pool with my friends in the first bikini I’d bought and she wanted to see it. pulling at my clothes and trying to lift up my shirt in front of my friends as I was trying to pull away and get out the door was not the way to do that. but I remember just... not wanting her to see me in it. ever. I used to pull my hair back through maybe 7th grade; a low ponytail with a part through the middle. that was how it was much of the time. but every other girl wore high ponytails with all their hair pulled back; no part. I don’t know why I saw that as some foreign thing; some marker of being cool. but my mom didn’t do it and I didn’t do it. I remember in middle school I was at some event at the library they had for kids my age every other week, and once I’d pinned up my bangs with a barrette; as soon as I realized my mom was there to pick me up I ripped it out. I’d always pull my hair out of a ponytail around her, once I started pulling it back the way the other girls did. even after I’d pull it back for bedtime; I’d rather her see me with vicious bedhead than a bun. I can’t explain it. maybe it did start some time in middle school. that transition between child and teenager is pretty rough, I guess.

some part of me is telling me it’s the idea of her seeing me as different than she did before. I was nervous to show her my hair once I got it all chopped off; it wasn’t just me, it was me with a pixie cut and it was different and definitely me, but not me, you know? it’s adult me, my own person. even showing my dad made me feel nervous for the same reason. anyone in my family, really. was it because they’ve known me my whole life? because they’ve known infant me and toddler me and embarrassing child me and awkward teenager me and here I am, being my own person with autonomy and trying to move on from all the past instances of me?

I’ve never been able to play music or sing around her either. anyone in my family, really. that feels more obviously like “they’ve always known me as someone who won’t sing” and I can’t show them I do. the few times I’ve heard my mom downstairs while I’m practicing or even singing in the shower when I didn’t hear her come home... I don’t feel so horribly self-destructive over much else. like, literally want to hurt myself at the thought of her hearing me sing. even thinking about it now has me agitated. I stifle it by distracting myself; putting on earbuds, watching some show, playing some other music so loud I don’t have to hear anything else. I’ll stay in my room for hours so I don’t have to see her or get any questions or anything. even writing it down.. my spine is crawling. I don’t understand.

is it that I don’t trust her? that doesn’t feel right either. I don’t know what facts about me could be held over my head. it definitely doesn’t feel like distrust. it’s just discomfort. it feels like my mom’s never been able to be normal about anything and I’d rather cloister myself up into the tiniest box I can so I don’t start something. some reaction. I don’t know why I don’t want questions from her. why I still seem to care so much about her approval despite feeling like I’d rather she didn’t know about anything I did. I don’t know when it started but I know it was already in full swing by the time I graduated high school; I just wanted to be as far away from this family as possible. I’d look at other people with their parents and feel so jealous. my friend Carmen and her mom are like best friends; what’s it like even being able to talk to your mom? my AP lit teacher in high school was always so sweet and kind to me; I remember feeling jealous of her daughters, jokingly but not that jokingly asking in my head can you be my mom instead? why would I feel so much more comfortable with other people? even some of mom’s friends seem so much more normal, I don’t seem to feel as uncomfortable with them. I just don’t know.

I suppose it doesn’t really need to make sense. I’ve accepted I’m just different. I always have been. I don’t know in what ways I’m neurodivergent, but I know this has got to be one of them. there’s no reason for it. this deep, deep discomfort that feels like it has many reasons and none at all. I’ve been weird since before I can remember. I don’t remember preschool; I don’t remember refusing to do things the teacher told me to do. I don’t remember hiding under tables or recoiling at physical touch. back then I didn’t have the social awareness to understand norms or self-restraint; that was pure gut reaction. whatever output was generated by the onboard programming. mom tells me that when I was tiny, for the first 6 months of my life or so, I was nonstop screaming. I turned stiff as a board in my godmother’s arms; there’s pictures. mom had finally calmed me down once and grandma had reached out to touch one of my little baby toes; all hell was loose once again. I can only imagine it was the same feeling. don’t fucking touch me.

I never liked being babied, either. never liked when people talked down to me. I would have rather sat with the adults at a party than played with the kids, even if I didn’t understand what was going on; possibly because mom was a comforting presence and I was too shy to interact with new kids. I never liked kids my own age. never even called myself a kid. I remember once, maybe in middle school, being so thrown by the fact that my mom’s at-the-time boyfriend’s kid had said something about himself and “the other kids”, like... you see yourself as one of them? I never played with baby dolls; never had any interest. I was so ready to be done with the baby stuff; I couldn’t wait to grow up. I think part of that was because I was already so independent but I didn’t have any of the knowledge required to be independent; you can’t be on your own when you’re elementary-aged, but let me tell you, if I could have known how to drive and how to do things by myself, I would’ve been gone by the age of 10. I do actually feel a lot more secure with myself now that I am where I wanted to be my whole life. almost fully independent (and I would be if I had an income). an adult who can make her own choices and can finally distance herself from... I don’t know. “family”. I started writing “family” in quotes a few years ago to describe this weird, broken thing I also feel like I’ve wanted to run away from for a long time.

I don’t really know why I wanted to grow up so damn bad. why I’ve tried so hard to distance myself from anything childish. I still don’t even really care much for disney movies and I’ve never understood why people even my age still act like loving disney is a personality trait. I won’t say I can’t enjoy the movies, but they’re only my first choice when I’m feeling really sick. sometimes I wonder if people are right when they ask me (the few occasions they have) if I even know how to have fun. I don’t enjoy anything most people seem to consider fun. dancing, for one. even yoga classes are uncomfortable for me. I already can’t stand the idea of people being aware of my physical form, but my physical form moving? looking ridiculous in any way? god, no. I can’t stand the idea of singing in front of people. using my voice in any way anyone tells me to; I’ve thought about voice lessons and even the thought makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I don’t do parties, I can’t keep up with games if they’re any degree of complicated... I just don’t seem to share the interests of anyone my age. that doesn’t help with my distancing myself from them.

another thing that seems like something that’s been part of me my whole life is always seeking approval from people older than me. not necessarily wanting to be seen as older than I am, but feeling a sense of importance in being considered mature or advanced for my age. I did like standing out to my teachers academically; when I was younger I liked hearing I was smart and I liked being really good at reading and spelling. I don’t think being told I was an advanced reader got to my head; that feeling persisted through college too. I relished the approval and support I got from my professors, and I wanted to be in the same circles as the grad students, despite not being anywhere near their level. I still kind of chuckle at the memory of the cute post-doc that kept catching my eye in CNL lab meetings and finally talked to me at one start-of-year lab picnic, thinking, ha, he must have thought I was a grad student, maybe because of that time I sat down next to him in lab meeting, going on with my lab manager about how I was going to be the first to present new data from my study, and saying ‘god, did an undergrad design that??’ when she told me about an awful psych study she did with her son. for some reason that was also somewhat personally gratifying. that whole thing has been going on my whole life too, I don’t know where it came from, when it started. probably just another thing.

some of these are things I’m really self-conscious about. things I’d even go so far as to say I hate about myself. I’ve taken some of my mom’s frustrations at me and directed them inwards; why can’t I just be normal? at least I’ve learned by now how to stomach some of the discomfort, but that doesn’t mean it’s gone away. I just know as an adult how it’s appropriate to act. I wish existing weren’t so uncomfortable for me. it would be so nice to be able to just exist and do things humans do without overthinking it or feeling like I want to hurt myself or disappear for literally no logical reason. but it’s exhausting hating myself and trying to change for other people’s sake. this is just who I am.

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