#study / john wick.

[victusinveritas]

Dogs have had many jobs throughout history, in this case: Revenge.

[boredth]

[soft-pine]

1.18 something wicked

say your desk is covered with a pile of paperclips. something wicked is the magnet you drop in the middle and then they all stick to it; they're all connected.

it's all here. the parentification, the neglect, the way john treats dean which sam doesn't witness, the extreme likelihood that john was using his kids as bait, and the intentional, specific, glorious, lovely ways dean has specifically chosen not to be like his dad.

in the flashbacks, we see dean is in charge of feeding and looking after sam for (at least) three days in some random motel room with the shades drawn. he's not even supposed to go outside. he doesn't have a number for john, just the instruction that if john's not back by a certain time, he's supposed to call pastor jim.

we see john giving dean instructions and responsibility (and criticisms) which he's not giving to sam.

dean is at most 11 years old (ep takes place in 2006. dean says the case from when he was a kid was 16-17 years ago (1989/1990). john's journal places it in 1988; dean was 9)

crucially, even as an adult, dean barely talks to sam about what he remembers of the case when he was a kid. he lets go of little bits at a time and absolutely necessary to the case. but he does not want to process what happened. even when he's so torn up that he breaks down and explains what happened, he doesn't want to talk about it. in part, of course, because he's ashamed of failing to kill the shtriga. but also because dean keeps john's secrets (9.07). and even when he doesn't, sam is not who he tends to process with.

but it's deeply impactful to have an episode where we get to see how dean was treated as a child versus how he treats the kids he meets.

dean is so kind to children throughout season 1, from lucas in 1.03 to lily and charlie in 1.05 to michael here. there is something so great about the way he is both clear that the bad things aren't these kid's fault, while also understanding kids have agency and insight.

i know dean is torn up about using michael as bait for the shtriga but feels he doesn't have much of a choice in order to stop the thing. but the conversation he has with michael is so thorough it really gets me.

DEAN: This camera has night vision on it so we'll be able to see clear as day.... Are we good? SAM: A hair to the right... There, there. MICHAEL: What do I do? DEAN: Just stay under the covers. MICHAEL: And if it shows up? DEAN: We'll be right in the next room. We're gonna come in with guns. So, as soon as we do you roll off this bed and you crawl under it. MICHAEL: What if you shoot me? DEAN: We won't shoot you. We're good shots. We're not going to fire until you're clear ok? Have you heard a gunshot before? MICHAEL: Like in the movies? DEAN: It's gonna be a lot louder than in the movies. So I want you to stay under the bed, cover your ears, do not come out until we say so. You understand? DEAN: Michael, you sure you wanna do this? DEAN: You don't have to, it's ok, I won't be mad. MICHAEL: No I'm ok. Just don't shoot me. DEAN: We're not going to let anything happen to you. I promise.

what a specific contrast that is with

DEAN hesitates, terrified. As he does JOHN bursts through the front door, gun raised. JOHN: (Shouting) Get out of the way! DEAN ducks and JOHN shoots the shtriga multiple times with his hand gun.

something wicked is up there with monster at the end of the book for episode titles that'll make you crazy if you think about it too much.

some other thoughts are just, the first time i watched this scene i thought i was going to explode with love:

DEAN: Yeah well, first of all, I'm not going to open fire in a freakin' pediatrics ward.... Second, wouldn't have done any good, because the bastard's bullet proof unless he's chowing down on something. And third, I wasn't packing, which is probably a really good thing cause I probably would have just burned a clip in him on principle alone.

moral compass boy i would die for you a thousand times and get up and gladly do it again.

and nothing - i mean nothing - hits like dean's voice cracking over the "if it means anything sometimes i do too." like i could actually go insane.

also watching supernatural is how you fill up a computer disc with pictures of dean looking ever so beautiful. like. look at him!! ethereal!!

also also ilu microaggression michael. they should have brought you back in the finale, king.

[foxdoodles]

a few more john wick studies!

[sunsetagain]

art study

[sadgelikethegrass]

I’m trying to work on my art studies

[samdeancrimespree]

1.18 will never stop hurting me. john placing a loaded shotgun on the floor so it’s easier for his child to reach. shoot first, ask questions later, recited in the tone most kids use to say please and thank you. john clapping his ten year old son on the shoulder and saying “that’s my man.”

the look, barely a step below hatred, on john’s face when dean fails him and sam gets hurt. dean gets one sentence out before he stops arguing, realizing his father is right, he has no excuse. john cradling sammy like the baby he is and petting his hair while dean stands in the doorway and watches, knowing he has no right to even approach them. maybe thinking about the last time he was held like that, if he can even remember it.

the fact that sixteen years later, dean hasn’t forgiven himself. won’t even let sam try to comfort him. It’s all just excuses, like dean had given back then, but sams voice is drowned out by john’s, i told you not to let him out of your sight. he sees this order from john not as a punishment, but a chance at retribution. dad will never forgive me, but maybe he’ll hate me less.

[mrssimply]

Are we not gonna talk about how Santino smiled at John here? :3

He was literally like :]

(It's just so cute to me)

Ok, I think this is going to be another Ted Talk here so i put it under the cut.

TLDR: Santino and John are both grieving when they meet again, this scene depict the fleeting moment where they're still friends before they destroy each other in their inability to process the emotional devastation of loss. John is of course grieving Helen, and Santino the image he has of himself, and the possibility to change it by making his father proud. Both react to grief the same way: by unleashing their violence against their environement, and each other first.

First, let's not forget this scene depicts two friends meeting after at least five years of not seing each other. Both of them are grieving; it's death that brings them together again after so long.

For a minute there, it's just two old friends rekindling a frienship.

Yet, we all know that the moment John opened the door (the moment the bell rang, actually), he knew this was fate calling. He might not have known it was Santino, but he definetly knew it was no simple guest at the door: not in the middle of the night, not right after what he'd done.

And when he opens the door, it's Santino D'Antonio, the man that made an impossible task possible, the man that made it possible for John to have five normal years with the woman he loved.

Despite this, Santino is such a bad omen, a litteral crow on the doormat, looking at John like "hello John, time to pay your due." There is no way John didn't know right away what was going to be asked of him (not the details, not exactly how, but he knew he was going to be asked something), and yet, he let Santino in, which is, in my opinion, a show of fucking trust?! Like: literally inviting the devil inside.

After thinking a bit longer about it (two years, 100k words later), it actually makes sense: John accepted the marker as the symbol of his debt for Santino's help, and believed him when he said he wouldn't use it as long as John stayed out. He didn't care what he was signing up for, because 1) he loved Helen to death, and 2) the trusted Santino to death. Just... I feel like I should say this louder: He trusted Santino to death.

John trusted him when he said he wasn't going to use it, because he knew him and Santino had always been a man of his word in John's experience.

In miror, what does it says about Santino that he risked "a lot" (his words, I believe) to help John against literally... a favor he didn't intend to call on? What does it says about him? It says that John really was his friend, that he is a man of honor, and that for him to use the Marker, he was not in his right state. Santino, I believe, asked for a Marker because he had to ask something in exchange for his help: nothing is free in the underworld, and I think it might have made him appear weak if he'd done it for free wheareas now, people could just wonder about what he got in exchange for his help. Furthermore, it's just for the benefit of the people who know he helped - which apaprently is not widely known, or else the Tarasov might have called the deal off, since John was supposed to do it alone.

Some might argue John accepting to give a marker to Santino was out of desperation. Maybe yes, it checks out because John is shown to be both naive and desperate in the movies. But I think he would've asked Winston about it if he didn't trust Santino, and he obviously didn't, since Winston is shown explaining it in the second movie (for our benefit maybe but it has consequences over characters motives and personality).

So let me rephrase that: Santino helped John in exchange for a marker that he didn't intend to use, and couldn't even brag about at the risk of nulifying John's freedom. And John accepted to give a Marker not knowing what it truly meant, to a man he fully trusted.

He was right to do so: Santino held his word and didn't call on it as long as John was out. I think he might have never called at all, but fate brought them back together due to the death of someone important in their lives. I won't say "someone they loved" because even if I believe Santino loved his father like most children do, their relationship certainly wasn't a good one.

Or else, why wouldn't he have chosen Santino as his heir? Being second born is one thing, but Santino is a man, and trust my lenghty research (or simply what you know about it cause it's pretty obvious): the mafia is not super woke (duh). The Camorra is actually a bit more modern than others, it has had female led clans and families, mostly after the second world war because yep, mafia or not, they got enroled into the army. Recently, they've shown a bit more tolerence toward homosexuality in their ranks, but it's not a very progressive environement.

So why did D'Antonio senior chose Gianna, his daughter, over the natural, logical heir, his son, the second born? The answer I think is pretty obvious: Santino was a disapointing son, and Gianna a very promising daughter.

I don't need a master in psychology (which, funily, I actually have) to tell you that Santino probably spent his whole life trying to prove himself to his father, with little result. The dice were always loaded from the start because as a boy, Santino received all the expectations of being the perfect heir from his father, and repetedly failed, whereas Gianna was always a nice surprise ("so a woman can be ruthless too, who would've thought? She is truly my daughter!"). She could do no wrong, he could only do wrong.

When D'Antonio senior died, Santino lost a lot of things beside just a father: he definetely lost the opportunity to prove his father (and himself) that he was worth anything, and he lost the life he was promised and raised for (the Camorra, the seat, the power). He also get the definitive proof that his father preferred his sister, and that he was a disapointment. So yeah. He's grieving, just not his father but the idea of his father, and himself. His life, his destiny? It all went down when his father died and it was revealed Gianna was the heir. Don't know if he knew beforehand but I got the feeling it was confirmed after the death of his father, seeing that his visit to John felt a bit spontaneous, but that might be just me.

So yeah.

Santino came to John, a friend apparently, and asked him to honor a promise John didn't fully understand at the time he made it. This is of course the moment it breaks their relationship, because it breaks John's trust in Santino, but when he pushes the Marker back, I think he still believe Santino will respect his decision (which, again, says something about Santino). Then the grenade launched really puts an end to that notion in a very spectacular manner.

Stahelski said John and Santino are mirrors (hence the scene in the museum) and it took me a while to understand it fully, I think. The mirror is in their grief, or rather their refusal to grieve what they lost, and the way they fight it until they get hurt, until they die or everyone dies around them.

Their grief is like a roar over all thoughts, and it's a scream you can hear all around the world.

It's the way those men grieve: by making it everyone's problem, for my delight when it's fictionalized character (less fun when they decide to become president or something in real life but not. the. point).

When I look at this second movie, I can practically hear them constantly scream internally. They turned back into wild animals, forgot all of their manner and just lashed out.

I think maybe Santino imagined John would understand him because of their shared grief, but grief made John deaf to everything. Koji asked him when it was going to stop and he had no answer, because if he stopped fighting, he risked being consumed by grief. Either way, his grief would have killed him, which was the only logical conclusion, just like for Santino. It consumed them too much.

They danced one last time in perfect harmony: killing each other to deafen their grief.

Ok, time to conclude!

Thank you again for this ask, and for all our conversations <3!

[marquisedegramont]

sunlight, sunlight, sunlight

SUMMARY: The day before Helen is expected to die. John grapples with grief and the torment of losing someone he cares.

grief/mourning, character study, handling grief

read on ao3 | inspired by sunlight | 456 wc

THE DAY BEFORE Helen is expected to die.

(God. Please don’t take her.)

Maybe John deserves nothing. Maybe he was put on this earth for the simple reason to suffer because why should he live perfectly? Why be given the pleasure of human life?

A day in the cold house, John is alone—so alone; he can feel each pulse of his heart thrum from within his rib cage. Helen is gone, but maybe, just maybe, she has a chance.

Helen has turned him optimistic. She is everything opposite to him, she is everything the Director condemned, she is sunlight, she is the sun, she is the soft breeze in the morning, she is the light bells of local cafe doors opening chiming, she is everything. She is brimming with life. She will be buried.

Sometimes, John silently prays.

(God, please don’t take her. Not her. Please. God, please, don’t take her from this earth, please, please, please just don’t take her. He wonders if his desperate pleas to God and heaven above are even taken into consideration. Or even heard. Or maybe God never really cared for him. Maybe God has abandoned him and he’s suffering because of it.)

How human it is to finally feel suffering. John sits at the edge of the bed, and there is already grief piling up in him. This is the world around him, so grey and unfortunate—dim and miserable. The sunlight outside doesn’t seem so bright anymore. The sun is gone.

What sin as he committed for God to take her but not him? John sits at the edge of the bed, wearing a mangled expression of grief and tragedy, and hope and wishing, and begging and pleading, and distraught and anger. Anger pointed to God. Anger pointed to himself.

His phone is in his hands, everything in life feels disgustingly hollow. There was a time in John’s life—Helen—where everything felt fulfilling. He watches the videos of her in his phone, journaling through pictures and videos because he never could quite write his conflicting thoughts into words. Helen could, she seemed to be so poetic, words so beautifully sounded and written it made her seem otherworldly.

“What are you doing, John?” Helen’s voice is soft with the sea gently running along the beach, sea foam touching the tips of both of their feet.

John wants to go back here.

“Looking at you.” John wants to look at her again, outside, not chained to a hospital bed. He had everything. He was close to it. He was so close to heaven and yet he fell, and he fell hard.

(God, do you hear me? God, please don’t take her so soon. What did I do for you to take her?)

Maybe this is why she taught pain so harshly.

[sacredcyber]

Baba Yaga painting study

[thewhumpcaretaker]

𖤓 𝐎𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐮𝐧 𖤓

Image Source

Summary: How did Helen become the kind of person who can accept a killer? How did her love become so unconditional? It wasn't as simple as you might expect. The path towards light was paved with darkness.

TW: Being orphaned. Brief mention of Helen's first kiss in middle school (do not make this sexy, she's a minor). Severe physical and emotional child abuse and neglect. Scapegoat abuse (abuse of one family member who is blamed for all problems in the family). Murder of a minor by a parent. Survivor's guilt. Self hatred. Dead Dove Do Not Eat.

Author's Note: This is the backstory that I envisioned for Helen while writing The Broken Veil. It's based on the fact that John never interacts with her family and they don't appear to be at her funeral, which leads me to believe that she is estranged from them. But, this is mostly invented from thin air - with some projecting and venting. I haven't been through anything as horrific as this, but I'll just say that I do relate to Helen's experience of family abuse in a certain way. My hope is that I've handled this very delicate topic with some grace, but please know that I am writing it from an emotional place and I am not a therapist or social worker.

──●𖤓●──

At the dawn of her life, there was love.

It was simple then. Pure. Unquestioned and easy to understand. Not only because the two figures always at her side were so unquestionably affectionate, but because loving came naturally to Helen herself. She was the baby who always laughed when her parents laughed, and smiled when they smiled. And they nearly always smiled, because they had Helen, and she had them.

Then they were gone.

──●𖤓●──

Love haunted the suburban McMansion at the outskirts of St. Louis, Missouri, with the white clapboard walls and yellow trim. It found its way between the thin curtains in Helen’s bedroom, where she caught it in her arms every morning and carried it downstairs to her sister, Bonnie, whose bedroom was windowless.

Bonnie was adopted a year after Helen, and she was two years younger. The Kennedys had a perfect family in mind: two daughters, and a son, all “rescued,” as evidence of their unimpeachable benevolence. But they were denied for a third child. One of Mr. Kennedy’s references advised against approval, and his response was so disorderly with outrage that the situation could not be salvaged. Although they tried again several times, they were never approved. Mr. Kennedy never found out who had thwarted him in obtaining a son, but Helen and Bonnie would be forever grateful to them.

It wasn’t that they wouldn’t have wanted a brother. On the contrary, another person in the house who was not either of their parents would have been a massive relief, and Helen begged for it at the time. But in retrospect, they could not wish that on anyone.

Helen, despite being older, didn’t understand at first. The Kennedys were sweet to her. Mrs. Kennedy told her that she was the most important thing in the world to them. Mr. Kennedy held her on his lap and told her about the nature of love. That love is a dance between merciful grace, and benevolent punishment. Love is about doing what is best for someone, always. And they would always do what was best for their children.

Bonnie was not typically punished in front of her, and she was such a boisterously happy child that she was able to hide her distress, both at school and from her sister. Her disposition matched Helen’s perfectly – playful, creative, giving, always eager to smooth over a social interaction. They did everything together. They played pretend on the “mountain” (the staircase leading up to the deck), went racing on their skateboards, searched for birds’ nests in every neighborhood tree and stared at them to try to catch one hatching. They laid on the lawn making flower crowns and talking about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Bonnie wanted to be a racecar driver and go far, far away. Helen wanted to be a veterinarian taking care of baby birds. But they would definitely go to the same college. They’d be together forever, because even though they weren’t born together, their hearts were made of the same substance.

The difference between them was that Bonnie was more secretive. She had to be.

But over time, the household became comfortable in its abuse. Bonnie was a trouble child, Mrs. Kennedy would explain. That was why they had to treat her this way. When the parents fought, it was somehow Bonnie’s fault. When things went wrong for them, it was because Bonnie was bringing them bad luck. Everything went wrong after she arrived. They should have adopted a little boy first instead, and now they’d never have one.

Bonnie and Helen would do the exact same thing, often together, and Bonnie would be punished, and Helen…wouldn’t. She couldn’t understand it. Soap in her mouth for talking back. No dinner for a week. One day, when Helen was nine, Mr. Kennedy sat down at Bonnie’s door with a screwdriver and started taking off the hinges. “She’s been keeping secrets from me,” he said. He’d found her diary. That evening, Mrs. Kennedy read it aloud in front of both children while Bonnie wept.

“Why do they love Helen and not me? Sometimes I hate her for it, but it’s not her fault. I know why. I try to be good but I’m a bad child.” That line would live in Helen’s memory forever. She rushed at Mr. Kennedy, not knowing what she intended to do. But the situation had become untenable. Why wasn’t Mrs. Kennedy upset about this? Why wasn’t Bonnie fighting back? Something had to be done, and nothing was being done.

But it backfired utterly. “Look what you have made your sister do,” he said to Bonnie, when Helen had spent her strength beating her little fists against his legs. And Helen watched, and learned where the bruises on her sister’s body came from, that she didn’t fall out of trees as often as she claimed. From that day, she ceased to call him her father. Mr. Kennedy was his name.

When it was over, Bonnie wasn’t allowed outside. So Helen made flower crowns alone and brought her one. “You can hate me if you want, Bonnie. I’ll love you anyway.”

“Throw it out,” she whispered. “They’ll think I snuck into the backyard if they see it.” But she held it for a moment first. “I don’t really hate you, Helen. I won’t, ever. I promise.”

──●𖤓●──

Helen soaked up love for one brilliant hour every day at Azalea Middle School’s lunchtime, her face turned upward and her heart temporarily at peace. She talked about love with her best friends. She kissed Susie Morgan, as practice for kissing boys. She kissed Robbie Clearwater, as the real deal, but it didn’t feel any more or less real if she had to be honest. It was all play acting. Real love was about doing something big for somebody, like rescuing them from a dragon or stabbing yourself like Juliet. Or staying with them after they stabbed somebody else.

Susie and Robbie were both “good kids.” Not trouble kids. Not like Bonnie and her friends. Bonnie had already given up on herself – if her parents thought she was trouble, then fine, she’d be trouble. She started hanging out with the bottom of the class, the ones who got in fights and skipped lessons. Helen decided that she would never be like Bonnie.

But it was the trouble kids that Helen really wanted to be around. Like Brandon “Blaze” Raoul, who smoked weed with the 9th graders from across the street. She heard he actually aced the math test in spite of everything, and decided he had a heart of gold. But she’d never admit it.

Bonnie dumped her lunch tray over Helen’s blouse while she was looking at him one day, and Helen chased her all the way across the playground. She didn’t stop until Helen yelled, “I’m telling Mr. Kennedy!” The hurt and fury etched into her face would remain etched in Helen’s mind from the rest of her life.

But it was Bonnie who told Mr. Kennedy that Helen liked a bad boy. Or rather, it was Bonnie who took all that practice stealing Marlboros from the gas station to steal a blunt out of Brandon’s bag and stick it in Helen’s, only to encourage her father to search their backpacks that night. She looked all too smug, watching Helen take the brunt of the punishment for once. And the Kennedys made the decision that both girls would be transferring schools.

“You know, you really are what they say,” she shouted at Bonnie through tears that night. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you! You’re spiteful and ungrateful and you always mess things up for me! I wish you weren’t here!”

“I’ve hated you for years, Helen! My personal hell! I hope your perfect face gets smashed in! I hope Mr. Kennedy really does the shit he says he’ll do sometimes!”

──●𖤓●──

Helen couldn’t find love for a couple years at a stretch. Where had it gone? Was it hidden behind the clouds? It always seemed to be raining in Missouri. Was it buried inside her body? Her body seemed to physically ache. Sometimes she felt like she was dying.

The only way she expressed herself anymore was by taking pictures. She asked for a camera for her sixteenth birthday, and of course, she got it. And she took pictures of people, almost exclusively. She didn’t speak to Bonnie kindly, but she photographed her kindly. She chose those moments in which Bonnie looked almost the way she did years ago, before things got really bad.

Whose fault was it? She thought about that a lot, even before it happened. So much had already happened. More than enough. And there was a sense of something coming. Why did Bonnie have to ruin everything? Bonnie’s torment was always at the edges of her mind, spoiling every happy moment. And while that shouldn’t be about herself, Helen was tired. Tired of trying to be the high achiever to maintain her own tenuous hold on her parents’ mercy. Tired of protecting Bonnie, tired of fighting with her, tired of pitying her. Tired of wracking her brain about who she could tell and how she could get help for them without just making things worse. Tired of watching her be hurt and feeling that pain in her own heart. So she hardened her heart until it ached physically instead of emotionally. Let Bonnie deal with it on her own. She didn’t want Helen around anyway. Maybe she’d finally run away for good.

In the last few years of high school, Helen started having chest pain. Panic attacks, she would later learn. She felt like she was going to die. What was happening with Bonnie was going to kill her. And wrong as it may be, she hated Bonnie for that.

She had left for college when it happened. She got out the moment she could, as anyone might. Bonnie would be out soon enough too, she thought. There was nothing she could have done, no way she could have known. That’s what she told herself afterwards, and she never believed it.

The facts: Bonnie Kennedy tried to run away with a group of friends she met outside of school. With a gang. Mrs. Kennedy intercepted her and brought her home against her will, by binding her hands and feet with duct tape and forcing her into the back of the vehicle.

The facts: Mr. and Mrs. Kennedy had just had a fight the same week. Mrs. Kennedy was sleeping on the couch. They needed someone to take out their anger on.

The facts: On September 20th, while Helen Kennedy was in a chemistry lecture, Bonnie Kennedy was murdered by her father under her mother’s watch. The neighbors filed a noise complaint. Mr. and Mrs. Kennedy were apprehended and taken into police custody three days later.

──●𖤓●──

The ache of Helen’s love did not kill her. She lay on her dorm bed that night in the darkness, waiting for her heart to stop. It never did.

The only thing Mrs. Kennedy had to say was, “Don’t testify. Don’t do this to him. Are you really going to side against your own father?”

Helen scoffed. “Against him? What about you? Do you think you’re blameless?”

A long pause while they stared at each other through bulletproof glass. “No one is blameless here. But –“

“No. No one is blameless.”

She did not speak to Mr. Kennedy at all.

She spoke to the judge. She spoke for hours and hours in a cold sweat, in a trance, revealing everything. She spoke until she went hoarse. She spoke again when the trial dragged on into a second day. She spoke at the appeal. She spoke until she expected to be arrested herself because the fact that she had stood by through all of it, and hadn’t been there to save Bonnie, was a crime beyond all crimes. Why was no one dragging her away? Regardless, she kept speaking. She was saying, I love you, Bonnie. I love you, my sister.

──●𖤓●──

The ache of love didn’t kill Helen, but it chased her out of Missouri, all the way to the East Coast. When she put the pieces of herself back together and returned to college, it was at Georgetown, on a scholarship. Apparently, a sob story that had been on the news was good for admissions essays. Especially when it tied right into your major.

She studied to be a social worker. She screamed her love for Bonnie at the whole world. Bonnie, who was gone, and could not receive it. Helen opened herself and poured love. She cried with abuse survivors. She testified on their behalf. She watched them be saved. She watched the system fail them. She watched them become hateful. She watched them die. Over and over and over and over until her mind broke.

And she screamed her love for her parents. Yes, her love for her father. For her mother. For the woman who had treated love as the most important thing in the world – which is to say that she let her lover commit any crime. For the man who had sat her on his knee and told her lies about what love was, because he believed those lies and knew no better. She was finally old enough to understand what broken people they were, and yet her love for them had become forbidden. Unthinkable. Forgiveness would never be hers to extend. They had taken her right to love them when they committed such an act. Well, so be it. She would take the grief aching in her chest and throw it at the entire rest of the world instead. She would love EVERYONE.

She tried to be a “good” person, to love all survivors and hate all abusers. Except that the abusers were also survivors, and the survivors were also abusers. And she didn’t know which she was, but it seemed that she could only be both. Everyone hurt everyone else, it seemed. Everyone failed to protect each other. Did that not matter to anyone? Where was the sense of injustice? She came to hate EVERYONE.

For ten years, Helen served as a social worker with child protective services. Ten years screaming, until she finally burnt out.

She’d been to therapy before. But this was different. This was quitting her job to burn through her savings going to daily sessions because something had to give, and it was either going to be her way of life or her life itself.

They talked mostly about grief, which was to say that they talked mostly about love. Were her parents capable of love? Was she capable of love? Why had she and Bonnie turned on each other, and did it mean they didn’t really love each other? What did real love look like? They talked about that phrase, “love is a dance between merciful grace, and benevolent punishment.” How did one decide who to punish, and who deserved mercy? Who could be trusted with such a decision?

Maybe no one. Maybe the punishment part just had to go.

So she let herself be like Bonnie. She traveled up and down the coast, through Baltimore, through Philadelphia, always seeking out the underbelly, never into drugs but heavily into people. Hanging out with hippies and “free love” types. Cutting her hair short. Talking with runaways. Singing with strangers at midnight in a half dead karaoke bar. She wore leather jackets over soft white T-shirts. Never trying to look tough, never trying to look "cool", but demonstrating with her very body that she embraced them. That she wouldn’t jump down anyone’s throat for making a mistake or being themselves. What a “bad girl.” What a “troublemaker.” I’m sorry, Bonnie.

She fell in with genuine criminals too. It was odd, but she felt safe with them, in a way she had never felt safe with suburbanites who wanted perfection and punished anything less. There were some with their boot on the world’s throat, sure, but there were plenty more who had no choice. Who were running from something, or stuck in something, or just trying to survive. And all the judgement in Helen was used up on her parents. There was none left for the rest of the world. She just wanted to see people, know people. The camera came out again. Taking pictures of survivors, people who had suffered so much and caused so much suffering. People who believed they held no capacity for love. She showed them their own bodies, the vessels of that love where it still lay dormant.

──●𖤓●──

Love poured down from an infinite, flaming source, to wash over every human being and flow, finally, into the lens. Seeking an object, any object, whoever needed it the most. Over and over and over again, unquestioningly, unconditionally, until Helen began to heal. She felt poised for something, waiting for someone to receive her outpouring. It was then that the second phase of Helen’s life began. It was then that the sun broke through.

[ur-fav-h-anon]

John Wick 10 ans anniversary with the Loving Husband !!!!

[boredth]

May we get another drawing of Mrs.Helen Wick? like just Helen? I absolutely love the way you draw her :’)

Her 🌼

[foxdoodles]

john wick voice: yeaahhh

[sunsetagain]

art study

[drawingthingstuff2]

I still have to watch the movie.