#stuck them all together and drew the rest around it. which was not a good idea.

[bowling-alleycarpet]

Stardew Valley Inktober day 30: Prizes

For today I drew Caroline having a teacparty with my favourite prize from the prize machine, Stardrop Tea!

no worries, the trio is putting the green leaves to good use out back

[777heavengirl]

the one with the family matter

sirius black x reader ! - 2,157 words masterlist bags masterlist A/N: Early chapter today! i usually post rlly late at night... what would you guys prefer? morning/afternoon like this one/the usual night update? lmk <3

Most mornings at 717 were nothing short of blissful. Or at least they used to be.

More often than not Sirius and you got lost in your cloying domestic bubble. The early morning hours passed by you like the rest of the world simply did not exist. By the time you crawled out of bed, which wasn't late by any means, Sirius had been up for a while. He rarely slept, properly that is, always restless and full of adrenaline. Sometimes he'd make breakfast, or fetch something from a nearby bakery, greeting you with a smile and teasing nicknames. His record player hummed songs that were engraved behind your tongue, the repetition of them causing them to be forever in your mind. Like a reflex. Other times, when you could tell he felt poorly, dragged by the weight of his family and his nightmares— you'd wake up to an empty apartment and a note on the counter. The neon pink Post-it from the muggle office supply store stuck to the handle of your coffee cup.

At Prongs's!

or the more vague,

On a ride!

He always signed it off with an - S, his quick slanted cursive and the small smiley face he always drew on it made the corners of your lips twitch up. Every morning your mug with coffee, prepared the exact way you liked, waited at the corner of the table, regardless of his presence. A heating charm on it so it'll never grow cold. 

Recently, this pattern had vanished. When you had work you’d still do it, make his coffee, two sugars with cream, and stick a post-it on the handle. Sometimes with a happy face drawn right in the middle of it, other times with a small message,

don’t forget to help James build the baby’s crib!

picking up pastries for tonight!

have a good day!

But they largely went unmentioned, but Sirius didn't say much these days anyway. You both danced around it, good mornings and the rare good nights were said but not much else, there was no baking together on your off days, no impromptu trips to the fresh market, no rides on the tube clinging to each other. No, you went alone now, and when he did go with you— only when the apartment was finally completely barren of food, the two of you apparated in and out. Silently. 

On your off days when your eyes watered looking at his closed door— you didn’t even know if he was in there or not— you’d go knock on Remus and Peter’s door. Sometimes only one of them would be there, sometimes both of them, they’d greet you with tea, or sweets, and Peter would ramble on about his shitty lower-level ministry job while stuffing you full of cookies, Remus would talk to you about his mother’s swaying health and how his job at the muggle supermarket was actually kind of enjoyable, how he was trying to quit smoking, but I keep smoking the whole bloody pack the closer it gets to the full moon. Other times, Remus would see you through the peephole and knock back, Sirius is there. You’d slink back up to your apartment without further refute. You missed him, dearly, you hadn't woken up to a coffee or a note since you told him about your job. You didn’t dare say anything.

The two of you still sat, on opposite sides of the couch now, to watch your soaps every other night. It was the small bit of comfort you held onto. Sometimes he left halfway through, like water slipping through your fingers. 

You kept finding empty cigarette packets all over the apartment.

It felt kind of silly, you didn't understand what his problem was. He should be happy he isn't pouring his entire trust fund down the hatch with you. He was disowned, whatever money was in his safe at Gringotts was it. No more. To be fair you had not a single clue about how much was in there anyway- but it really isn't any of your business.

This morning was one filled with his absence. You tried not to worry, but you couldn't help it, his absence feeling like an omen. The apartment motionless and cold, the way the air feels right before the rain. This morning wasn't any different, the darkness of the sky settling a gloom over you. You hugged the coffee close to your chest between sips, your fingers twirling the red marker as you completed the crossword on the Daily Prophet. You pondered calling your mom briefly or going down a floor to pester Remus and Peter— What use is it to live in the same buildings as your closest friends if you can't bother them? As you resolved to do just that, a harsh knock rang through the apartment. You faltered, Sirius had a key, not only that but he'd never knock that way. It was particular, heavy and urgent. 

A second round of knocks broke through your thoughts, so you padded over to the door.

If you didn't know better you would've said it was Sirius. But you could see, even through the small opening of the peephole, their clear differences. You swung the door open.

"Oh- my apologies I must have the wrong place- good day" He was quick to do a quick bow and turn away.

"Regulus?" The younger boy's eyes widened, and there was a stutter in his step as he turned back towards your door. It was startling, to see him. They were so similar, the high cheekbones, the darkness of their hair. Regulus sported a white streak, combed neatly along with the rest of his short hair. You could hear Sirius through your thoughts, mommy's boy. It was uncanny, to look at him, the roundness of their lips, the way their brows twitched in confusion. His eyes were greener but not any less piercing than his older brother's. They missed the warmth that emanated from Sirius’s gaze.

"What are you doing here" 

He opened his mouth and closed it quickly, piercing eyes analyzing your face as he finally figured out who you were. You tried not to take any offense. 

"Are you looking for Sirius?" The boy simply nodded and approached the door as you motioned him inside. "He's not in right now but I can- just come in I’ll find him for you-"

"I'm sorry I thought this was where he lived" You motioned him to sit at the stools of your high kitchen table as you closed the door behind him, the wood creaking as he hesitated between standing and sitting. It was strange to see cold, quiet, and clean-cut Regulus, with his dark sharp tailored coat between the warmth of your house. Between the mismatched furniture and portraits on the walls. So out of place, but you supposed he and Sirius were always out of place when compared to one another.

"He does, he's just out" You gave him a sweet smile as you started brewing some tea, marking the phone Lily insisted on installing in their house, and pressed your ear against the phone's receiver. 

"Hello?" Lily's crackly voice came through as she picked up, but you could hear Sirius and James chatting animately even through the static of the phone line.

"Lilykins please tell me my roommate is at yours… he has a visitor-" You stretched the cord as far as it could as you walked to get a mug out, the cable rolling back into its curls as you walked close again. 

"Tell him it's urgent please" Regulus spoke up as you spoke, and you could hear it now, the small twinge of panic in his voice. His foot bounced sporadically as if he was reminding himself he shouldn't bounce it but would still forget to stay still.

"Urgent matters apparently-"

"Get him out of my house please- I don’t know what lover’s quarrel you two are going through but hash it out soon will you? my sister's coming soon and I need to clean-" You chuckled, forced and breathless, and ignored the fact that she knew something was wrong between the two of you, you wondered what he had said about it. You didn’t ask. You bid goodbye and hung up the phone back in its holder. Regulus’s quiet dragged you back down, you could feel his eyes burning holes in the back of your figure as if he was analyzing you. You pursed your lips as you worked on his tea, mulling over what you’d say to him, it wasn’t often he came around. Or ever. He had never been in your home.

You had met, if you could call it that, Regulus Black exactly two times. 

One was at school, during your sixth year when Evan Rosier’s taunts finally broke through Sirius’s hard facade and he finally swung at him. It wasn’t pretty, the long-haired boy pinning down Rosier as they both landed blow after blow at each other. Both you and Regulus pulled your respective friends away, the boys bloody and bruised. It wasn’t much of an introduction nor did you even speak, but you could see even then the soft, blue state of Regulus as he looked at Sirius. Sad and alone. 

It reminded you of Sirius when he was younger. Of when you first met.

The second time you saw Regulus Black was at graduation, right after Sirius handed you the matching key. Between bubbling excitement and clinging to each other, Sirius’s face broke, a flinty stare taking over. I’ll be back love, his lips pressed against your temple as he moved away. You could see him arguing with Regulus behind a pillar, mirrored expressions on their faces. 

It was eerie, like watching Sirius through a funhouse mirror. The same but- not. Almost but not quite. 

Reflections of one another, but neither measuring up.

“Can I ask what brings you here?” You poured the tea into his mug, bringing it over to him. His hands immediately wrapped around it and he took a sip.

“I’m afraid it's a private family matter-” you hummed in acknowledgment, brows raised as you asked:

“Thought Sirius wasn’t family anymore,” You didn’t mean to be hurtful, you knew how hard Sirius’s disownment had been on Regulus too. It was quite possibly the only thing Sirius ever spoke about regarding leaving his family. How heartbroken he was to leave his brother, how shattered Regulus had been too.

“Sorry that came off harsher than I intended-”

“No- you’re right, but I reckon he still deserves to know,” Regulus refused to meet your eyes, staring deeply into the liquid in the deformed pink mug you had made with Sirius sometime last spring when he insisted on taking a pottery class. Your skills weren't quite there. 

The two of you stayed quiet for a beat, fighting the urge to ask again. Regulus fought not to tell you. 

“Are you engaged yet?” You almost spit out your tea.

“W-what?”

“Did Sirius ask you yet? To marry him?”

“Sirius and I aren’t together-” You felt your cheeks warm, you were lucky if Sirius even spoke to you these days.

“Oh…” His expression paled, eyes wide as he tried to understand what you were telling him. “My apologies I just thought… never mind-” He looked away again, taking slow sips of the tea again, “I’m sorry,”

“It’s okay…”

“I just- he’s always talked about-” The air crackled with a small crack and pop, interrupting Regulus, Sirius stood in the middle of the room now. Regulus stood up, the tea abandoned on the table as he faced his older brother.

“Sirius-”

“What do you want? How do you know I live here-” Regulus took a step back, a deep breath inflating and deflating his chest as he looked at you, and then back at Sirius. Sirius got closer, barely two steps away from his brother. Looking at them now, side by side, you could see the differences. Not physical, no in that aspect they were two sides of the same coin. But Sirius stood tall, proud, and defensive like he was made of iron like nothing could hurt him. Teeth bared, ready to bite his way through. Regulus stood the opposite, straight but restrained, almost as if ready to take a hit, arms behind him and clutching his wrist with white knuckles. 

“May we talk in private?” 

“I’ll leave-” You made to move, 

“Stay put- No, just spit it out Regulus-” You could see the sadness crack through Sirius’s tough demeanor. You could tell from the red rim in his eyes, and the way he stood straighter, face raised ever so slightly. As if ready for a fight. You knew he could never physically fight his brother, but if Regulus stood in your kitchen any longer Sirius might break and cry. 

You thought of calling James.

“Mother is dead… didn’t wake up this morning”

[redcoralpot]

Can you do Daryl finding out reader is trans? Early season 4, perhaps? :3

Attentu - Daryl Dixon x FTM Reader

Your wish is my command!!

Warnings: Gore, murder, violence, blood, cussing, mentions of transphobia and death, and addictions.

Word Count: 2.6K

You eagerly join in on the medical supply run, despite the group's awful luck. A confession from Bob has you feeling quite guilty about a personal matter...

-

It was dead.

You threw the car battery to the side, sick of the luck your supply group had. Daryl was on the other side of the room, shuffling through drawers in an attempt to obtain the right part. For an auto repair shop, it was horribly disorganized.

“Got anything?” you called over, impatient.

A grin took over your face as he tossed the find at you, catching it in a firm grip, “Nah.”

The car was not in terrible shape, not really. Some rust here and there, with paint scratched off from long road adventures before the outbreak. Your father had a similar car when you were just a child, and he was insistent that he passed on his knowledge, despite your mother’s constant objections. It was not fit for someone like you; that your hands should never be calloused from the tough ground nor covered in grease, she said. He always ended up laughing in her face.

So as he would have it, the two of you got in all sorts of trouble. Hijacking cars, picking locks, prying cabinets open with a pocket knife; all things he said would come in handy one day. Daryl seemed like he had the same type of upbringing, all rough and tumble, and perhaps that’s what drew you to him. That, or he was just really damn good with surviving.

Daryl’s footsteps creaked as he led the way out of the building, shining his flashlight on any possible threats around. Someone had to, as you weren’t keen to look after Bob found an old walker stuck under a desk, ending that misery. It was the only one left. One by one, you circled out of the building, with Bob’s silent trepidation behind you as you arrived back at the car. Daryl opened its hood again, and you both set to work.

His voice was muffled around his cigarette, “You never told us about the group you were with, before.”

You glanced up as Bob replied, “Which one?”

“You know,” he continued, when Daryl gave him a look, “when you found me out on that road, I almost kept walking.”

“Why’s that?’

“I was done being a witness. It happened two times, two different groups.”

…

“I was the last one standing, like God intended for me to see it over and over; a curse,” he shook his head, pursing his lips, “but, when it’s just you out there with the quiet, I used to drink a bottle of just 'bout anything just so I could sleep at night.”

“The run to the big spot, I only did it for me.”

You froze, a jug of clear liquid still in your hands. Daryl took it from you, completely unfazed, and managed to get a swig out of it.

He licked his lips, “You gotta keep busy somehow.”

“No, I did it so I could get me a bottle, a bottle of anything. That’s what got Zack killed.”

“That’s bullshit,” Daryl peered at him, “why don’t you get in there and try the engine? Should be the red and green wires, it ain’t rocket science.”

Even as Bob walked away, you stayed silent. Your fingers burned as you rigged the working car battery back in, but never as much as your thoughts. The other man nudged you, urging you to take your hands off as the engine roared in front of you. He clapped his hands and brought them up to his mouth; a sharp whistle rang through the air. Bob’s alcohol troubles seemed to be forgotten by Daryl, since he gave you a rusty smile while you slammed down the hood.

“Nobody coulda’ known, and you ain’t gonna be standing alone. Not anymore,” he reassured Bob.

You huffed, swinging a few plastic bags of gas in the back seats, ducking to join them. Tyreese and Michonne got the rest and the three of you squeezed together with the luggage, closing the door. With that, you left the burdensome place behind.

The ride to the college was short, but Bob still parked a little ways out, and the group set off to walk the rest of the distance. You passed most of the buildings on campus; dull brick that plants jumped at the opportunity to outgrow after a year of inactivity.

“Looks like the building we want is up ahead,” Tyreese stated.

For the first time since Bob’s confession, you spoke, “Are we splitting up? We’ll cover more ground that way.”

“Is that safe?” Michonne questioned, and Daryl eyed you.

“I know I can cover myself, if I end up alone.”

The brunette scoffed, and you shifted a glare at him, “You know I can, too. You’ve seen me.”

“I think,” Bob uttered, “it’s a good idea.”

“We don’t have a lot of time, I’ll shoot if I run into any trouble. Meet me back at the car.”

Outside of the Learning Resource Center, you split from the group, sneaking close to the ground. You heard the rest shuffle in the opposite direction with a soft “C’mon, c’mon.”, and let out a shaky breath. Two pairs, then three pairs of footsteps faded away.

The lights of the wing flickered and let out fading sparks as you padded along, dust pillowing up from wherever you stepped. God, the outbreak sure did a number on this place. Shadows grew as abundantly as the plants, but never dulled the smears of blood along the walls, floor, and shattered glass. It cracked and snapped under you, somewhere behind you, and you hissed as you looked at the walls alongside you. There were several doorways leading to different rooms, most likely supply closets or classrooms. Carefully, you dipped yourself into the nearest doorway, a heavy feeling on your back. Your heart pumped wildly in your chest and your stomach had a sick pit of anxiety as you thumbed through the biggest drawers. There were plenty of jars, containers, and vials, but none of them had what you needed. You read all the labels once, twice, the text in messy handwriting or tiny fonts.

Testosterone, in its liquid form made for injections, should be a clear liquid. You knew that much from what your provider told you, and from your own studies. Any colored liquids, or any with particles floating inside, you discarded from your search immediately. You were taking too long, you started to think, or were you? You didn’t know if you were gone for ten or if you have been here for thirty.

Once again, you slid back into the trashed hallway, trying to make your way towards the next doorway. The only things you could hear were your quick breaths and a creak, most likely from the forgotten building. A set pattern was in your mind as you dove into the room, and the haze of adrenaline made it hard to think. Walkers, as the prison liked to call them, were not your biggest concern. Even before the outbreak, it was dangerous for you to step outside; to live your life. If you passed by the wrong person, your face would be on the hot topic of the community for the week after. Getting caught was not an option.

You blinked, trying to clear the thumping in your ears. The vial’s label looked like a foreign language, though you knew it wasn’t, so you peered closer at it. A gust of hot air hit your neck, and again. Hot air. This place was cold.

Your fingers scrambled for the knife at your side, it was there, wasn’t it? You slashed before you could think. Hair scratched your fingers; your knife dug into a warm crevice. The hot air turned into a raw, groaning noise. The hot air stopped. 

You pushed the body to the ground and your blade was released. The blood trickled hot down your wrist. Instead of the red you expected, it was a sludgy, filthy brown. It dripped in slow droplets on the floor beside your shoes. This was the first opportunity to look at the thing, and what a sight it was.

The knife had caved in a part of its skull, which itself was like a rotten, stomped on pumpkin. It oozed and dripped the same muck over the tile, muddying the disfigured face underneath. It made Osbourne’s stage trick look like simple child’s play to anyone who witnessed the act. Its eyes were still open; bulging out in that manic, hungry way only a madman got before the outbreak. You looked away from the mess, your breakfast seizing in your throat, and you busied yourself with getting more testosterone vials in your bag. The most important thing was that it was not human, not anymore.

Stuffing your full hand in your bag, you made a beeline for the doorway.

You should have learned your lesson.

A weight tumbled over you and knocked you to the floor, breathless. It screeched, rabid, like some sort of fucked up dog. If a dog hadn’t eaten for a month, that is. It stunk, too. It stunk so bad that you thought you might die from suffocation first.

It clawed at you, gnashing its yellow teeth. Your hands were pinned underneath the mass and you heard your knife land across the floor with a clang. This was going to be it. The end. It’s funny, isn’t it? Dying searching for your lifeline. You almost giggled at the irony.

The teeth were close to your neck, aiming to kill. To eat until you were nothing but an unrecognizable pile of flesh and bones. You had to do something, and soon. The only part of your body you could move were your legs, and you tensed them up. You were going to survive this, you were going to get back to that car. 

Three.

You struggled to prop your shoulder up, knocking the danger away from your neck. Its eyes were bloodshot and cloudy. As empty as a corpse.

Two.

The walker got more desperate to bite you, wiggling around harshly on top of you. You tried your best to keep your face far away from its own, but it successfully nipped the edge of your nose. This was going to hurt.

One.

Its final noise was a gurgling one, close to your ear. The weight flopped to your right side, stilling its frugal attempt to destroy you.

“You got yourself covered, huh,” a voice remarked.

You wheezed, “Christ.”

“What were you doin’?”

“Shit.”

Daryl stepped over you, pulling his arrow out of the corpse, “I’m serious.”

You finally got your legs under you, and the first thing you did was back a good distance away from him. There was no getting out of this, you both knew that Daryl would know if you lied to him. Yet, he was one of the last people in the prison you felt comfortable telling. Daryl was a classic redneck, with a bigot older brother and a taste for mysteriousness. There was so much you didn’t know about him, and the hair on the back of your neck stood up like a wildfire. You would have much rather told Carol or even Michonne, if you had to choose. 

“You know what Bob said.”

“Yeah,” he stated, “but you ain’t an alcoholic. I know that much.”

“I’m not, but that wasn’t the point. I only came on this run for one thing, and it isn’t medicine. It’s testosterone.”

“Why do you need that? You’re strong enough without that steroid shit.”

“I don’t get as much as you do naturally.”

“So a medical condition?”

“Kind of.”

“Even if it was, that don’t explain why you had to sneak away from the group to get it. What’re you hiding?”

“I’m transgender, Daryl. I wasn’t born a boy like you,” you murmured.

There was a parade of footsteps down the hallway, and Tyreese burst through the door, the others close behind. He looked spooked, with sweat dripping down his disheveled face. Michonne and, speaking of the devil, Bob looked no better off.

He exclaimed, “Jesus, there you two are. We gotta go, now.”

“What, why?”

“Walkers. Tons of ‘em. Let’s go!”

You gladly took this chance, shoving past Daryl to dart out into the hallway with the others. Everyone else was rushing, but it was a minute before you also heard footsteps behind you. The infected corpses swarmed the building, even though it wasn’t like that before, and it made you wonder what the hell released them. Your group ran up the stairs with walkers not too far behind, and those trapped banged on whatever surface they could reach. 

“There was a ledge near the fire escape,” Michonne hissed, “we can go through there.”

No one responded unless a quick nod could be considered one, and you were off. Michonne went first, then Tyreese, you, and finally Daryl. Your legs were shaking, and you paid Bob a glance. He tensed up, seemingly trying to gauge the distance, before jumping. He was barely right, and landed a little too close to the edge, teetering off. His arms flailed and an army of bodies from below swarmed up to grab his heavy bag. You rushed to catch him, attempting to pull the man up, but he refused to let his backpack go. 

Finally, you ripped both the man and his bag away from the grasp of the walkers, panting, “What the fuck were you doing? What’s in that bag that could possibly be so important?”

“He’s right.” Daryl took the bag from Bob, zipping it open.

Bob rushed to stop him, but it was too late. Daryl dropped the backpack as quick as he picked it up, and he seized Bob by the collar.

“If I ever catch you puttin’ a bottle before a need, I’ll feed you to the walkers myself. You hear me?”

You froze as Daryl let the shorter man down, pushing him as he did so. Everyone else shot him a disappointed look or a glare, and Michonne waved her hand. You were all to keep moving; the run was over, and on an especially sour note.

The group arrived back to the prison safe and sound, the most daring of injuries being bruises, or small cuts. Tyreese and Michonne left to do their own activities, while Bob left to lick his wounds. This retired Daryl and yourself alone, to an awkward silence. With nothing else to do, you picked at a particularly nasty cut on your forearm. It was starting to look infected.

You cleared your throat, “Do you have anything left in your bag?”

“Yeah.”

“Mind if I use some?”

“Nah.” Daryl tossed you his bag.

Carefully, you peeked inside. There wasn’t much left, some disinfectant spray and vials of a clear liquid. No, that couldn’t be, could it?

Testosterone. At least three good vials of it.

You raised them up to your face, not believing your eyes, “Daryl, where the hell did you get these?”

“Grabbed them from that drawer you found the others in,” he refused to make eye contact, “after you left.”

“Why?”

“You might’ve needed more than you got.”

That… meant a lot to you. You had expected him to at the very least ignore you, or even worse, disgusted by you. What were the chances he would grab extras for you, just in case? Instead of yelling or hitting or kicking you out of his life, Daryl did that. If you were being honest, this was one of the weirdest coming out stories to date, but nothing can really beat zombies being included.

“You aren’t mad?”

“Nah. I’m a little confused, though.”

“On the topic?”

Daryl sighed, “Yeah. Wasn’t educated that much.”

“Well, if you want, I could help with that.”

Just for a second, he looked you in the eyes. In that moment, you didn’t see hate, anger, or anything negative. Only a sharp, beautiful glimpse of curiosity.

“Yeah.”

-

[sparrowrye]

Alastor x Fem! Reader {soulmates} Part 5

Synopsis: soulmate AU where you have the same mark on your body as your soulmate, and if your soulmate dies, you die too. Alastor needs to make sure that his soulmate is safe so he can continue his reign - whatever that takes.

Part 5: digging deeper

Part Pilot | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I stared at my reflection in the bathroom. I opened my mouth and ran my tongue, which was a little longer than usual, along my sharp teeth. The sharpest ones were my canines that slipped past my lips when resting.

I touched around the base of my horns. The skin was tight near the bottom and paler than the rest of my skin. My horns jutted up, curved down a bit, then back up to a point at the very end. I tried bending them but they were sturdy, even near the tip.

I clicked my claws together then on the counter. It felt strange to have something that felt like elongated nails. I poked my arm until I drew blood, noting how quick it took to do so. My toes also had claws. They weren't as long as my fingers but they were definitely sharper. The skin on my feet felt extremely tough, almost rubbery.

I turned off the light and sat on the cushions by the window. I rested my head on my arm and stared off into the ocean. For the first time in a long while, I tried to think back into my memories.

I was only able to get snippets, though. I could envision myself in small, specific scenes but I couldn't remember anything past my first rounds of fighting. What did my parents look like? Did they give me to the rings? Did someone kill them? Was I born in hell? How much magic did I have and what kind was it?

I had so many unanswered questions.

I met Husker for dinner again. I couldn't stop looking at my claws as I tried to go about normally. Using a fork was new; long nails made it surprisingly difficult. Husker tried not to laugh and I caught him smiling several times.

"Did you know?" I asked him.

"No. Alastor told me he thought you might be a demon but I was skeptical."

"Why?"

"Well it takes effort to have a human appearance yet you always had one when you were asleep or unconscious. Plus you only used Slight magic when we fought."

"So Alastor knew."

"It was more of a theory." The Radio Demon materialized at the end of the table. "No one had ever heard of a human and demon being soulmates." My eyes fell to my plate. I hated looking at him and I hated hearing the word soulmates. "Once you've finished we'll head back to Rosie's."

"Tonight?"

"Yes, tonight.” He almost sounded annoyed. “She wants to unravel your curse as quickly as possible. She said something about it putting a strain on your mind." He touched a pointed claw to his lips. "I'm sure it's nothing."

Husker rolled his eyes and took a gulp of his drink. I offered to help clean the dishes but he refused. Alastor wrapped an arm around my shoulders and practically dragged me outside. I peeled his hand off and walked up to the scorched symbol on the ground. It didn't look like anything I recognized but it was always there.

He pulled me against him by my waist and stuck his cane into the ground. The ground gave way and I held my hair to my neck. We teleported to a different location this time and I soon discovered it was behind Rosie's store. The quiet town had all their indoor lights and radios turned on.

Alastor knocked twice on the glass door before it opened for him. We walked right into the same meeting room as before. Rosie was setting down a hot teapot.

"Welcome back dearies," she curtsied. "Come in come in. I just took this off the stove. You'll love it."

"I have a matter to attend to but I'm sure you'll take good care of my darling," Alastor said. My darling?

"Oh of course. Go off and do your man's work. Us ladies will get to know each other better." She hooked her arm around mine and lead me to the chair again. "I'm sure you've got lots of burning questions." This time I accepted the warm tea. "But I have to warn you sweetheart. This time, when we go back into your memories, it's going to be a lot more dangerous."

"Dangerous how?"

"If you get too wrapped up in the emotions and feelings of your memories, you can get stuck there."

"Stuck? In my own head?"

"I'm afraid so," she sipped on her tea, "When I feel you starting to fall down that rabbit hole, I'll touch your leg to let you know. When you feel me touch you, I need you to reel your emotions back in. Do you think you can do that? If not, there's no shame in waiting for tomorrow.”

"No," I said quickly, "I'll be okay. I can do this."

"I believe you. Now. Let's begin."

She sat beside me on the stool and took my hands in hers. I stared down at my black claws as she asked me to go back in time. I closed my eyes and skipped through my teenage-hood and into my early childhood. I tried to push away the sinking sadness of my first friend's death.

"What did your first master look like?" Rosie asked.

"I know he had white hair. Long, white hair. He always had a scowl on his face and he dragged me around."

"What about your very first fight?"

"I was...I was against another kid. Another girl. She had short brown hair and looked...inhuman."

"Inhuman, how?"

"She...her eyes...they were red and...she just looked insane. Her hair was all matted and she was down on all fours. She was drooling a lot too. I remember she...she ran after me and started clawing and biting my arms. She went for my face and I shoved her off. She chased me in circles around the ring. I can still hear all the men cheering above. They were laughing."

"What did you do?"

"I uh...I grew tired and she eventually caught up to me. She grabbed my foot then went for my face. I don't remember much but I...I remember kicking her off then kicking her head. It bounced off the walls and then she didn't get up after that."

"When did you start to learn how to use magic?"

I paused for a moment. “I…I had a master before him? He…he was the one who taught me. Every so often he would come back during the day and take me into the ring. He showed me how to use it. First it was with wind. He told me to throw sand and dirt in my opponents' faces."

"What else did he teach you?"

"He taught me...how to use my sweat as a weapon...how to pull apart the earth so their foot would get stuck or so that they would trip...he taught me a lot."

"Did you warm up to him?"

"When he was teaching me I was happy. I loved learning how to use my magic. And he praised me all the time when I did well. Eventually he stopped being rough with me. It felt like...like he cared about me."

"But?"

"But..." I felt my heart sink with sadness. "But...he...gave me up...to someone not nice."

"Do you know why?"

"Yeah...he was...apparently just someone who trained children in basic magic then...then sold them off to the highest bidder. I was...I was so angry at him...I thought I was going to make him proud and live to be set free but...but I was nothing to him."

"Very good. Now, what can you tell me about when you first met him? When you first saw his white hair?"

I paused. "I remember...I remember looking up at him. He was such a tall man. I was holding someone's hand but I can't...I can't see their face."

"It's okay, don't push it. Tell me about the hand you're holding. What does it feel like?"

"Soft. But...tough? It's definitely tight."

"Good what about-"

"No. Wait...there was another man with white hair. But his...his was shorter."

"Tell me about him. Where were you?"

"I was...I was in a cage. I was...with someone. I remember seeing him come to the cage often. I was...the person I'm with would always get tense when he did. Why can't I see this person's face?"

"It's okay. Take your time. Tell me what this person is wearing."

"A short sleeve. Her skin is...covered in scars and bruises. She's...she's always stroking my hair."

"What else does she do?"

"She...she hums a lot. There's a small radio in the corner and she hums to it a lot. And...I can feel it in her chest when does. She rocks me back and forth until I fall asleep." I suddenly grew very sad and angry. My hands tightened and my hair on the back of my neck stood up.

"What is it, doll? What's happening?"

"He's...the man...he's wearing a white suite...exactly the color of his hair...and he's yelling with her. They're fighting. There's yelling. He hits her. She's arguing back but not fighting. Why won't she fight?"

"Stay with me dear." She touched my lap. I tried to lower my tense shoulders but it was hard.

"He picked me up and...he closed the door on her. She's screaming. Why is she screaming? Why is he taking me away from her? I can't...I can't reach her. I don't...where is he taking me? I don't want to leave her."

"Enough sweetheart, come back. Come out of the memory." She touched my shoulder this time. "Come back to my store. Come back to this world. It's all just a memory."

"I can't stop crying. Why...is that my mother?"

"Sweetheart, you need to come back. You're going in too deep. Stop the emotions."

"But...I want to see her."

"We'll look next time. We can come back next time but you need to take a break. Come out of the memory. Come back to the store. Blink twice and look up."

I stared at the figure reaching out to me through the bars. I was so close. I just wanted to touch her hand one more time. But it was just a memory. She wasn't really there. She might not even be alive at all.

I blinked twice and looked up to meet Rosie's dark eyes. She let out a huge sigh and patted me on the head. "That was a little too close for comfort."

I felt something brush against my leg. I looked down to see a black tail that ran all the way to my back. I stood up and spun around in an effort to look at it. I felt something pulling on my back and realized I had a pair of black wings to go with it.

"What the..." The black on my hands had stretched all the way down to my elbow now. I found the closest mirror and noticed a pair of long ears sticking up from my human ones. Was I a type of dragon?

"I see you're making lots of progress." Alastor's staticky voice cut through the silence.

"Quite a lot, actually," Rosie answered. "I must say, you sure got lucky, Alastor. She looks like she's got a lot hidden away in her."

"Which is why you're the perfect person to help pull it all into the light."

"How do I hide them?" I asked Rosie, still turning in circles to look at myself.

"Oh, uh..." she tapped her sharp finger to her sharp teeth.

"Picture them receding into your back," Alastor answered. I grimaced at the thought of listening to him but gave it a try. The tail shivered but did nothing.

"I'm sure it'll take getting used to," Rosie reassured me. "But I'm sure you're absolutely exhausted. You should go home and get some rest. We can figure out more later."

"Good idea," Alastor agreed. "Come along, darling." He put his hand on my back but I pushed it off. I thanked Rosie and walked out of her store, my wings hitting the edges on the way out.

"So, what did you learn?" he asked as he shut the door.

"What's it to you?"

"Just curious is all."

"You can stay that way," I mumbled. He grabbed my waist and sent us back to the cliff side manor. As soon as my feet touched solid ground, I pushed his hand off and walked inside. My wings hit anything and everything, frustrating me even more.

"Whoah, ain't you something," Husker commented from the sitting room. I didn't respond, clambering up to my room and locking the door behind me. My legs buckled and I collapsed onto the floor. I sobbed into my arms as the new memories replayed themselves in my mind.

Who am I?

[stevesjockstrap]

During Pride Month

@stcreators event 09: Pride

@steddiesongfics June: Blondie - Heart of Glass

Steve/Eddie • rated T • mentioned Robin/Vickie and Argyle/Nancy/Jonathan • alcohol, getting together, idiots to lovers • read on ao3

It was a wonder Eddie even hung out with this group anymore, honestly. It was usually entertaining at the very least, but he was starting to question his life choices. Their normal bar had been hosting Pride month events, which wasn’t the issue, Robin had lead their team to victory during a trivia night and Eddie and Steve had won the Newlywed game last week. They hadn’t told him tonight was karaoke, though. The later it got, the more the bar had steadily filled up and the performers turned to either pretty decent singers or at least those who knew they were drunk and off key enough to encourage the heckling from their friends and the crowd.

Sinking into his buzz enough to consider staying now, he looked around their booth. Robin and Vickie were cuddled up in one corner and Nancy was sandwiched in between Argyle and Jonathan.

Steve always drove Eddie crazy on their nights out. Either utilizing his scary dog privileges when he didn’t want any attention, sitting under Eddie’s arm all night and dragging him to the dance floor to plaster himself to his front. Worse were the nights when he did want the attention, flitting enthusiastically between whoever struck his fancy around the bar. Robin would send him sly looks on those nights, knowing where Eddie would rather have him, but since they weren’t actually together Eddie couldn’t keep him on the stool next to his.

So when Steve disappeared, Eddie tried not to let it bother him and instead lined up the shots for the table, keeping his eyes down and making himself not search out the gorgeous mop of hair. To who was touching or looking at him.

Until the next song started and the amplified voice drew all their attention to the stage. The sassy walk across the stage to send their far table a look made Eddie gasp and Robin yell out. Jon chuckled from next to him.

“Once I had a love and it was a gas

Soon turned out had a heart of glass.”

Steve usually stuck to Springsteen, safe power ballads or dramatic duets with Robin when they felt extra goofy. Nothing like this. Eddie couldn’t tear his eyes away from him, not looking at all at the screen for the words, putting much more emotion into the song.

Eddie clinked his shot quickly with his friends’ then tapped it on the table before finally breaking eye contact with Steve as he threw it back.

“What I find is pleasing and I’m feeling fine

Love is so confusing there's no peace of mind

If I fear I’m losing you it’s just no good

You teasing like you do.”

“Fuck,” he breathed as the alcohol burned its way down, Steve winked at him and one handedly pulled his shirt over his head revealing a tight tank top.

“Maybe this’ll finally get his attention,” Vickie stage whispered to Robin who quickly shushed her, both of them dissolving into hysterical laughter.

Eddie didn’t know what that meant, but immediately directed his gaze back to the crooning man on the stage.

“Once I had a love and it was a gas

Soon turned out to be a pain in the ass.”

“Hey, does he mean me?” Nancy huffed and Jonathan coughed into his beer, but Eddie ignored them, too.

Standing, he walked closer to the stage, getting a thrill as Steve’s eyes followed him as he sang, paying no attention to the other patrons who were definitely taking interest. Steve wouldn’t be leaving with anyone else tonight if he could help it.

As the last chords died out from the song, Steve couldn't hold back the smirk twitching on his lips watching Eddie approach the steps to the stage.

The polite clapping from the crowd crescendoed as he opened his arms for Steve and instead of taking the steps, jumped from the stage and wrapped his legs around Eddie. With a small ‘oof,’ he caught him around the waist and met his open mouthed kiss. The rest of the bar joined their table in their screaming but Eddie was focused on Steve.

“Took you dinguses long enough!” Robin screamed over the noise when they broke apart and Eddie had to kiss the somehow shy smile from his lips.

Maybe karaoke hadn’t been so bad after all.

Many thanks and kisses to @lawrencebshoggoth for like this entire prompt and song choice 😘🖤

Pride stars divider by @steddiecameraroll-graphics 🤩

[thedvilsinthedetails]

wrote a quick, just fluff, slice of life microfic w rosekiller (679 words)

wrote it pretty quickly so the description is #entirelynonexistant

Oh for the record ‘grunkle ford’ is a gravity falls character bahaha

also ten things I hate about you I LOVE THAT MOVIE thats the literal only reason I have them watching it is just bc I love it lmao

CW: reference to background sexual stuff but nothing depicted (its Barty btw bc Evan is ace in this)

Evan got back home at around seven, rain soaked and shivering from shitty London weather. He leaned against the door with a sigh, throwing an angry glance at the umbrella he’d decided he wouldn’t need today and left in the doorway this morning. Then he heard it. 

Barty softly groaning from the bathroom, then a gasp and then…

“E-Evan!”

Then silence. 

Evan just chuckled, sitting himself down on the sofa, smirking bemusedly when Barty emerged a minute later from the bathroom. 

“Having fun?”

Evan joked. Barty stuck his tongue out his boyfriend. 

“I tried to do it before you got home.”

“Don’t worry it’s fine, I don’t mind hearing it. I mean I kind of like the fact that you think of me when you…I just don’t want to do it.”

Barty’s smile softened and he reached his hands out to cup Evan’s face. Evan hesitated, moving his head back for a second.

“Sorry just…you’ve washed your hands like a lot right?”

“Course baby. Hands cleaned thoroughly with scented soap.”

Evan relaxed and let Barty’s hands slip around his face. Barty leaned down and pressed a kiss gently on the top of his head, nestling his face in Evan’s hair for a moment.

“Just so you know though.”

Barty whispered softly in Evan’s hair.

“I may have said your name but I was actually thinking of Grunkle Ford. Ultimate DILF.”

Barty chuckled before dropping his hands and running to the kitchen, giggling at Evan’s indignant expression.

“First of all. RUDE. second of all, he’s a literal old man.”

Evan chased Barty quickly with a laugh.

Barty just shrugged, turning and pulling Evan into his arms. They swayed there for a moment, holding each other in the soft glow of the kitchen light. Barty curled his head against Evan’s chest, looking up at him with soft eyes. 

“DILFS only improve with age.”

“Barty!”

Barty laughed again. He had a strange laugh, one that alternated between complete gaping silence and something that resembled a hyena’s shriek. It warmed Evan up from inside out to hear. 

“How was your day?”

Evan pressed their foreheads together gently as he asked.

“It was good, boring. You?”

“Same. Wanna watch a movie?”

“Ten things I hate about you, ten things I hate about you, ten things I hate about you…”

Barty began to chant it, dancing around the kitchen excitedly as Evan got snacks for the movie ready. Evan threw a handful of pretzels at him at one point which Barty tried and failed to catch in his mouth. In the end he just picked them up off the floor, blew on them (like that would even do anything) and shoved them in his mouth. 

•••

They were curled up on their sofa, Barty had his back pressed against Evan’s chest, one hand resting on Evan’s knee. Evan had an arm slung over Barty’s shoulder, other one wrapped around his waist. Evan tried to focus on the movie but it was sort of difficult when Barty kept throwing Evan not so subtle glances. 

“What is it baby?”

Evan murmured. Barty’s eyes widened and he dropped his gaze quickly. He took his hand off Evan’s knee and began to rub his knuckles against one another nervously.

“Bee?”

Evan asked again, hugging him just slightly tighter. 

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Hey.”

Evan whispered.

“You don’t have to tell me but I won’t judge you or anything.”

Barty glanced up at him again. He drew in a shaky breath before speaking.

“I’ve been thinking recently, you know about us. And I didn’t know what it was but I just figured it out and well…look I think I love you. I know I love you.”

He blurted it out quickly, tripping over words as he spoke. Evan just froze slightly.

“Oh.”

Barty shifted awkwardly, eyes fixed down in his hands.

“I love you t-“

“Ev you don’t have to…”

“Bee.”

Evan pressed a soft kiss against Barty’s cheek.

“I love you too.”

Barty looked at him for a moment, then hummed happily, snuggling even closer to Evan. 

[sluttyten]

You In My Arms

Chapter 2: In the Dark

full masterlist || haechan masterlist || YIMA chapter index

summary: You want to be the star of your own love story instead of watching your friends fall in love around you. Just one night opens your eyes to a method to put yourself in a starring role, even if it's not quite in the way you'd always imagined.

length: 11,005

tags: slowburn, friends to lovers, voyeurism, exhibitionism, masturbation (public & in private), general perversion, smut

previous chapter || next chapter

Haechan was your first love. 

You met him at a formative time in your life, when you were getting your first true taste of freedom after moving away to attend the university of your dreams. 

At first Haechan was just the funny guy in your orientation group, but then you started seeing him around campus from time to time, noticed that he sat in the middle of the large forum classroom your Psych class was held in, and then you discovered that his friends were friends with some of yours. Your circles overlapped, you were actually both studying for the same degree, and you took full advantage of both of those facts to ingratiate yourself into his life. 

His name was Lee Donghyuck, but his friends called him Haechan. 

The first time he smiled at you with his full, bright smile and told you to call him Haechan, you felt like your heart liquefied in your chest, filling you with this molten feeling of happiness. 

But despite how hard and fast you fell for him, Haechan didn’t look at you as anything more than just one of his friends. You knew why. There was another girl in the group he had his eye on, though he never made a move on her either. You watched for years as all of you danced around each other. She dated several guys and slept around; Haechan slept around a good amount; and you did your very best to fall out of love with a guy you were fairly certain wasn’t interested. 

Your mutual group of friends wasn’t one that necessarily drew lines when it came to relationships. Pretty much everyone had kissed or slept with everyone else, either directly or indirectly. You’d had your share of flings with some of the guys. A whirlwind romance over the summer between your second and third years at university with Mark, then a good portion of your third year you and Xiaojun had been fuckbuddies. 

But through it all, your foolish heart was set on one man. Haechan. 

It wasn’t until your last year at school that you finally saw an opportunity, a little chance for Haechan to move on from your other friend. She started sneaking around with Shotaro, and though no one called them out on it, you thought they were being pretty obvious. Disappearing together at parties, suddenly hanging out together a lot more. 

But they kept it secret, so you never said a word, figuring they would tell all of you when they were ready. 

Your fourth year of study was nearing the halfway point, and this semester felt the most brutal yet. The finish line was nearly in sight, and that was equal parts exhilarating and terrifying. Your whole future lay on the other side of that line, and sure, you still had the rest of this semester and the next before graduation, but really that was only a few short months away. 

On a long holiday weekend, your friend group planned a camping trip. Someone in the group knew someone who knew someone (a dad’s cousin’s brother-in-law’s kid type of situation) that had a lakefront property that they usually rented out to tourists, set up for glamping and boating and all sorts of things that could keep all of you well preoccupied for a weekend. A deal was made with that distant acquaintance, and your group of friends was given free rein of the property for the weekend. 

You arrived late Friday night with the last of your friends. Of course, the ones that had gotten there earlier in the day had claimed the best rooms, and since you were among the last, you were stuck just wherever, which meant that you were meant to sleep in the room with Karina and Winter, which wasn’t the worst place you could think to sleep, but it wasn’t the best either. They were fine, usually friendly, but among all of your friends, you were probably the least close with them. 

So you slept in the room that night, feeling like you were invading the two girls’ space, and first thing on Saturday morning, you were up and ready for the day to start. 

It was a beautiful day. Since Xiaojun was studying culinary arts, he made a very nice breakfast for all of you, while YangYang – who spenting most weekends bartending – made mimosas. 

Starting out, everything was great. 

It was sunny and warm, the water was perfect. There was a nice little beach, a boat, a dock. Some people played in the water, a few people left to hike on trails in the woods around the lake, you played a round of beach volleyball. 

It was a fun day except that Xiaojun kept sticking rather close to your side. It would have been fine if his intentions were just friendly, but it was the way he kept trying to flirt with you that put a slight downer on the day. Every time you tried to put some distance between you and him, he would find you again. 

You liked him as a friend, but what you’d had with him the previous year was in the past. You weren’t interested in being anything more than friends with him right now. 

At one point, you’d gone out to the end of the dock, hoping that you’d finally get the chance to be alone. Karina was floating on a fancy blow-up pool float that she’d somehow tethered to the dock to keep from floating off into the lake, but she was minding her own business, and you didn’t think she would bother you. 

But then you hear footsteps behind you, and you’re ready to turn around and fuss at Xiaojun to just leave you alone, but then Haechan plops down beside you. He calls over to Karina, and you watch her flick a mildly irritated look at him, but true to character, Haechan doesn’t let that deter him. He slips into the water, and swims right over to her. 

You try to ignore both of them as you lie down on your back on the weathered boards. A light breeze keeps the heat off the sun from fully baking you, and your feet are in the lake water, helping a bit with combating the heat too. You can hear Haechan and Karina talking, hear them laughing, hear voices carrying over the water from the beach behind you. 

Eventually, Haechan lifts himself back up into the dock, spraying you with tiny droplets of water. You’re about to complain about that when Haechan speaks instead. 

“Hey, man!” Haechan calls out in greeting. You don’t even have to look to know who it is going to be. “That breakfast this morning was great.”

“Thanks,” Xiaojun says appreciatively as he approaches. “I have plans for dinner tonight too.”

“He’s using us as a test for his restaurant plans,” you say, tilting your head and squinting in the sunlight. The shadowy figures of Xiaojun and Haechan stand there above you. “You’re both blocking my light.”

Which is how you come to be sunbathing and cloudgazing with Xiaojun and Haechan. Xiaojun’s arm rests against yours, he keeps tapping his foot against your ankle every few minutes too, and you know exactly why he’s being like this. Maybe if he would just come out and ask if you would have sex with him, you would, but he’s just constantly trying to initiate contact and being clingy instead, and you’re not enjoying that. But Haechan’s presence, on the other hand, is something you are enjoying. 

He’s in a particularly good mood, chatty and laughing, pointing up at the clouds to tell you what shapes he sees. 

“I used to do this a lot when I was younger,” he tells you. “My family lives in Jeju, and sometimes my younger siblings and I would just lie on the beach when we got too tired of playing, and we would look up at the clouds.”

You turn your head, resting your cheek on the warm boards beneath you as you look over at Haechan. He’s just gazing up at the sky, one arm lifted to point at a specific cloud that you have no interest in gazing at right now. You’re looking at him beside you, sunlight personified with his golden skin and bright smile. He’s talking and Xiaojun is too, but you’re not listening to either of them. 

And then Haechan looks over at you, and you snap your head around to look up at the clouds again. 

The rest of the day passes. Dinner preparations begin. You disappear inside to shower the feel of sweat, sunscreen, sand, and lakewater off of you. As evening sinks in, the air cools off, so you dress warmer before you return outside to sit by the fire. Most people are gathered out here, though a few of your friends are still inside cleaning themselves up or finishing up preparing food, but you find Haechan sitting in a foldable camp chair with an open seat right beside him. 

You take it. 

He flinches, startled at your sudden appearance, but he relaxes as you start talking. You talk about school of all things – you’d not thought ahead to figure out anything else to talk about right now, only knowing that you wanted to talk with him. But you do end up offering him some study help, and your heart beats a little faster when you think about the chance to be alone with Haechan in a study room in the library or at his dorm maybe. You enjoy Haechan’s presence, so you’ll take any opportunity to be alone with him, even if it is just to study.

“I might take you up on that. But like you said, this is a nice break,” he sighs, and tips his head back, looking similar to how he’d looked earlier on the dock. “I feel like this weekend we can all just relax and let loose.”

You want to let loose, really. To be a little careless tonight and just let your walls fall down, maybe use the excuse of some alcohol to kiss Haechan, to entice him into bed, and if it’s weird in the morning then you can just blame it on the alcohol. Your mind plays with the idea of drunkenly kissing Haechan tonight, sliding into his lap here at the bonfire to kiss him in front of all of your friends. You can already imagine the hoots, whistles, and catcalls, the sounds of surprise because none of them would expect something like that of you. 

You want to let loose, to look as carefree and relaxed as Haechan does. 

Haechan looks over at you, and you realize you’re smiling. He smiles too, an almost involuntary curve of his lips to match your own. 

"When do you ever hold back from letting loose, Lee Donghyuck?" You ask, feeling a happy laugh bubble from your lips. He always seems so carefree, very go-with-the-flow and happy. The idea of Haechan needing to become more loose makes you laugh. 

You see a hint of surprise in his eyes before he’s laughing with you. And then you’re laughing even harder, both of you leaning in towards each other with the gravity of the emotions. 

To no one’s surprise, least of all your own, Xiaojun appears to take the seat on your other side, wondering what you’re both laughing about. He does his very best to steal your attention away from Haechan, and it actually works. 

You do like Xiaojun, he’s a good friend, which is why your friends with benefits relationship had worked out so well for so long last year; he knows the right things to say to you, so you are fully swept into a new conversation with him, and when you next look around, Haechan is gone. 

You try not to let your disappointment show, but you think it must anyway because Xiaojun seems to make it his purpose for the rest of the evening to cheer you up. The food does a good job of that, and then Xiaojun and Chenle’s company does well at keeping you entertained as night falls, a chill creeping in off the lake, and YangYang’s alcoholic creations – as well as a typical cooler of beer – make their rounds. 

You don’t really pay too much attention to the rest of your friends while Chenle is regaling you with a tale of a trip he took, and you’re definitely not paying attention to how much other people are drinking, until you start hearing raised voices, teasing laughter, and Haechan’s voice cutting above the rest. You turn to look. 

They’re teasing Shotaro again, that quickly becomes obvious. 

He’s sitting there in his seat beside your friend he’s secretly been hooking up with for weeks now, and he looks a little embarrassed, but he’s still in the stage of not minding it. But Haechan is the one leading the teasing, and as you watch, you can tell that he’s setting Shotaro’s girl off, she’s getting rather prickly. 

You can tell Haechan is a bit more drunk than most other people. There’s a flush to his cheeks and his neck, a hazy gleam to his eyes, a slight slur to his speech. He’s not wasted, but he’s more drunk than not. He’s just teasing, and as you listen to him, you realize that he’s throwing a few barbed points in there, like he knows something most of your friends don’t. 

Does he know about the secret relationship too?

She gets all defensive, throwing some shots back at Haechan, and that’s when you see the drunken haze clear in his eyes, replaced by an angry heat as she calls his skills in bed into question. The teasing has become an argument, and you watch as Haechan rises to his feet, ready to face off with the girl, and he likely would have if it weren’t for Shotaro and Renjun stepping in. 

Renjun propels Haechan back into the cabin while Shotaro leads his girlfriend off towards the dark lakeshore. 

“Wow,” Xiaojun whistles beside you. “What the hell was that about?”

Chenle laughs. “Taro and her have something going on, don’t they? And Haechan is jealous.”

You keep glancing towards the house, looking for any sign of Renjun and Haechan returning. It was both a little bit scary and also arousing to watch Haechan get so heated. He had been a little bit of a dick, trying to out the secret couple to everyone, and also for really getting in there with teasing Shotaro. 

You’d once talked about it with Shotaro, and he told you that he usually didn’t mind the teasing, because he knew it was lighthearted and it’s just the way that all of the friends teased each other. But you also knew that sometimes it got taken a bit too far, and it was clear that tonight the scales had tipped more in that direction. Haechan had almost pushed it too far tonight, and you knew he was drunk so his judgment was perhaps a bit impaired in that regard. 

Eventually the happy couple returns to the bonfire, receiving congratulations from your friends, and a while after that Haechan returns. 

You keep looking at him, unable to keep your eyes off of him for too long. The flush has faded from his cheeks, and he keeps drinking water for the rest of the night while he snacks on leftovers from dinner, on s’mores YangYang makes, on snacks that people had brought down from the cabin earlier. 

Slowly everyone turns in for the night until only a few of you remain, the number dwindling down to just you, Xiaojun, Jeno, Mark, Haechan, Shotaro, and Shotaro’s girlfriend. 

Haechan has been moodily staring into the fire for the past fifteen minutes. You’ve been watching him do that while ignoring the way that Xiaojun has his hand resting in the armrest of your chair, palm-up like he wants you to take notice, as if he’s hoping that you’ll take his hand and go into one of the fancy glamping tents that are set up sporadically between the cabin and the lakeshore. 

It’s gotten a lot colder as the night has drawn on. Even with your pants and sweatshirt, with a blanket draped over your lap and the blazing fire, you still feel chilled every time that a lick of wind blows in off the lake. It doesn’t help that your feet are bare, so you pull them up beneath your blanket as you shiver. 

Xiaojun notices of course, and he grabs the blanket someone had left on the chair on his other side, and he covers your lap with it. If you’re this cold that you need a second blanket, you think maybe it’s time that you go inside the warmer cabin for the night. Besides, it’s getting late.

Jeno, who you’re fairly certain has been in a competition with himself for how much he can drink tonight without getting blackout drunk, grins crookedly, and suggests, “Maybe before we head in, we all take a dip in the hot tub?”

“Nah, I think I’m done for the night,” Mark sighs and rises to his feet. “It’s too cold.”

“I’m sure it helps that you’ve got someone new to warm your bed though, I bet, Mark!” Jeno laughs as Mark gets up and starts to walk away. 

You laugh along with the rest, knowing that Jeno’s referring to how Mark and one of the girls had disappeared into the cabin for a while earlier tonight. Mark just flips you all his middle finger. 

To your surprise, it’s the new happy couple on the other side of the fire that agrees with Jeno. Haechan lifts his gaze from the fire, brushing it over the couple, his gaze lingering on her for a moment before he looks at Jeno. Haechan shrugs and agrees, and from there of course you’re going to agree too. Xiaojun, to your complete surprise, decides that he’s just going to head to bed. 

Xiaojun trudges back to the house alone, wishing you all a good night. The five of you follow the path back up to the cabin’s deck, walking around the side of the deck to the hot tub. 

You feel only slightly embarrassed as you watch the others quickly strip their clothes off. Shirts, sweatshirts, pants until they’re left only in their underwear. Haechan at least still had his swim trunks on from earlier today when everyone had been in the lake, so he’s provided a bit more coverage than the rest of you. You feel his eyes dart over to you as you’re the last to let your shirt fall, the last to shimmy your sweatpants down to your ankles, slipping them off along with your socks. 

You’re too aware that the bra and panties you’re wearing are mismatched. Panties white (a horrible choice for wearing into a hot tub, but it’s not like when you’d dressed earlier this evening you’d expected the night to go like this) and your bra just a lacy bralette that hugs your tits and does very little to hide the way that your nipples peak in the cool night air. You quickly step into the hot tub and dunk yourself in up to your chin, hoping the bubbling surface will hide you. 

It doesn’t take long for you to relax. None of them care or notice. Shotaro and his sweetheart are too enamored with each other. Jeno is finally teetering on the edge of dozy drunkenness. Haechan keeps alternating between looking up at the night sky and trying not to look at the girl tucked against Shotaro’s side. He’s sitting beside you though, and his knee keeps nudging yours under the water. 

One of the jets sits between you and Haechan, and it keeps brushing your side and your thigh, tickling you in a way that thrills you more than anything else. A different wet heat builds between your legs, especially when Haechan leans over to laugh at something you’ve said and he rests a hand momentarily on your thigh. 

You try to ignore your desires. To push it all down and tell yourself that you’re being stupid right now. 

But then his arm drapes over your shoulders (and Jeno’s on his other side, but you pretend that doesn’t matter) and all thoughts vanish except for your brain making a static moan at the feeling of his body warm and hard against your side, his fingers resting against your upper arm. His laugh sounds right beside your ear. 

You don’t even remember what it is that all of you talk about. Maybe classes. Maybe finals coming up or plans for the winter break that follows. It’s not until you smile at the cuddly couple across from you, until Haechan tenses up and withdraws his arm from your shoulders that your mind snaps back into place. 

He stands up and you lift your gaze in awe of him. Water drips from his shoulders over his chest and down his stomach to his navel and his hips. The swim trunks hang low on his hips, weighed down by the water soaking them, drawing your gaze even lower. You bite your tongue as you notice the slight bulge in the front of his shorts, and again you feel a pulse of need and want in your core. 

Haechan doesn’t say a word, just climbs out, grabs his clothes and disappears around the corner of the cabin. 

Is that it? He’s done for the night? He’s had enough of the happy couple rubbing it in his face?

You immediately want to follow him, but you give it a few minutes before you bid the others goodnight, and you hurriedly pull yourself from the water, cursing as the bitter air bites in deep. Even once you’ve bundled your dry clothes against your chest and made a run for the back door of the cabin, you’re shivering and wishing one of you had at least thought to grab towels. 

Jeno’s only a few steps behind you. He looks happy as he comes through the door, a loose grin on his lips. He drops his armful of clothes into one of the chairs around the small kitchen table, mumbles a goodnight, and then he vanishes through the doorway that leads to the room several of the guys are sharing tonight. 

There’s a vent blowing warm air positioned right beside the kitchen table, and as a shiver wracks your body, you collapse into one of the chairs right there. You fold your arms on the table, drop your forehead onto your arms, and you try to purge your mind and body of the lust you’re feeling from the sight of Haechan emerging from the hot tub like a sea god. 

It doesn’t work. 

Your mind’s eye keeps honing in on that bulge you’d seen. You’ve heard tales before of Haechan. He’s a little bit of a manwhore at times, slept with plenty of girls you’ve been friends with, so you’ve got some awareness of what he’s like. You’ve got a mental image painted by a very descriptive sex-positive friend of yours majoring in the liberal arts. She has an emphasis in painting and poetry, both of which she has created for almost all of her partners including Haechan. 

So you have a somewhat specific idea of what his dick may look like, and a more general idea of what kind of skills he might possess, and neither of those things are what you need right now when you’re desperately horny and stuck in a house with all of your friends and zero privacy. 

But they are all sleeping, right? Karina and Winter had turned in rather early, so they’re probably deep into REM sleep, so if you just quietly come into the room, maybe you can try to quietly rub one out before sleep. Or you could try to sneak into the shower. It would be nice and warm in there, private too.

Before you can make a decision, you hear the squeak of a floorboard, and the soft sound of bare feet on the floor. You turn your head so you can see who it is. 

Haechan. 

His eyes land on you, a glimmer of surprise and then his face lights up.

“Are you just gonna sleep out here?” He teases. “You know the King bed upstairs is still open if it’s the idea of rooming with Karina and Winter that has you scared to sleep in there.” 

You have nothing against those two. They’re nice and friendly, but you’re not terribly close with them, and when you’d placed your bag on the bottom bunk the previous evening upon your arrival, they’d exchanged looks that made you feel like they’d rather share the room themselves without your presence. Last night had been fine, and it’s not the reason you’re lingering out here at all. 

Haechan looks at you, like really looks at you, and suddenly you remember that you’re still in just your bralette and panties, still clinging wetly and semi-transparently to you. All of you is exposed in that moment. A blush rises hotly to your cheeks as you rock up to your feet. You press your clothes close to your chest again.

“Why is no one sleeping up there?” You ask, glancing at the set of stairs that leads up to the only King bed in the cabin. 

“A few of us played for it last night. Winner got the single room.” He grins, and proudly tells you. “I won. But I’m not tired yet, so you’re definitely welcome to sleep up there if you want.”

Your heart stutters briefly in your chest. “And what about when you do get tired? Where are you gonna sleep then?” 

He shrugs. “That’s a problem for then. I’m gonna head back outside. Fire’s still going so someone should probably keep an eye on it.”

Haechan reaches for the doorknob of the door, and right as it turns in his hand, the words leap out of you: “When you get tired, Haechan….” He turns to look at you, and his eyes are gentle and deep, and you forget your words for a moment. “Uh, well… it’s a big bed. I'm happy to share.”

You’re definitely a little bit in love with the way he smiles then. This slow smile, surprised and leaning a little bit towards a smirk. His eyes sweep over you quickly, from your bare toes curling on the floor up to your face which feels hot right now.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Haechan says, and then he’s gone, stepping out into the night. 

Goosebumps rise on your skin, and you’re not entirely sure if it’s from the cool breeze that snuck inside or if it’s just a chill running down your spine at your own boldness in inviting Haechan to join you in bed. Maybe not necessarily in the way that you want him, but certainly in more of a way than you’ve had him before. 

Almost as soon as the back door clicks shut again, you’re off, hurrying up the stairs and taking the turn to the King bedroom. The other doors up here are closed, and when you step inside this room, immediately you’re assaulted with the smell of Haechan’s favored fragrance. You’ve asked him before what it is, but you never remember. All you know is that this room now smells like him. 

You close the door behind you, and you don’t even bother to turn on the lights. This room is situated on the corner of the house, and with windows on two of the walls, you’re provided just enough light to see by. The flickering of the firelight barely comes through the window to your left, and the window right ahead of you is filled with the glow of the lights strung through the pergola over the hot tub. 

The bed is still unmade from when Haechan left it this morning. His bag is on the desk, several of his clothes flung around. There’s a door slightly ajar that leads to an en-suite bathroom. You should probably shower again after being in the hot tub, but now that you’re this close to the bed you’re not feeling like doing anything more than just crawling into bed and passing out. 

Before you succumb to the lure of sleep, you take a moment to peek out the window facing the lakeshore and the bonfire. You can see the bonfire still going, see the chairs still circled around it as well as the two fancy glamping tents that no one has used yet, except Xiaojun when he took a nap earlier. 

But you don’t see Haechan. 

You scan the shadows, wondering if you’ve somehow overlooked him. 

And then you notice a shadow stretching across the deck beneath you. A long shadow originating from the corner of the house, just out of sight. It’s definitely a man-shaped shadow, the lights over the hot tub cast the shadow diagonally backwards across the deck until it fades in the light coming from the back door. You notice the shadow isn’t moving, and you’re curious as to why. 

You just barely manage to not stub your toe or trip over anything as you move across to the other window, the one looking down just around the corner of the house. 

A quiet gasp leaves your mouth as you look down at the hot tub below. 

Assuming that it’s Haechan’s stationary shadow at the corner of the house, you can understand why he might be frozen right there. 

Shotaro and his girlfriend are having sex in the hot tub. She’s riding him, his hands all over her body as she moves on top of him. You’re sure if the window was open even a little bit you might be able to hear them. 

Is Haechan down there just watching them? Like a pervert?

That’s gross….

… But you also kind of like it. 

Your mind gets absorbed into a fantasy, imagining him standing there touching himself while he watches his friend fuck the girl Haechan wishes he was fucking. Haechan the voyeur, the pervert, masturbating while watching two of his friends fuck. 

Thinking of that just sends you farther down the path, and you step away from the window, sliding into the bed without delay. 

The sheets definitely smell like Haechan. You slide into the spot where the sheets look most rumpled, rest your head on the pillow that looks slept upon. You bury your nose in the fabric and breathe in, wrapped entirely in that scent that reminds you so much of Haechan. 

Your mind still swirls with the fantasy of him down there touching himself, the images in your mind turn to just Haechan stroking his cock, maybe a scenario where he’d found you alone in the hot tub, touching yourself and he stands beside the tub, jerking off while you make yourself cum on your fingers.

You can’t help yourself when you slide your fingers down your body, dipping them inside your damp panties to touch yourself while you breathe in Haechan, while you let the scent intoxicate you and build your fantasy, although your mind can’t settle on just one. A fantasy where you’re tangled with him right here in these sheets, one where he comes up to go to bed and finds you with your fingers buried in your cunt and his name a chant on your lips, another where you joined him out at the fire to blow him while the crackling heat of the fire warms your back, and one where you’d dragged him into one of those unused tents out there and let him ride your ass until you can’t fucking move tomorrow. 

You cum on your fingers, making your panties just that much wetter as you drip around your fingers and rut your hips against the bed. Your moan of Haechan’s name is muffled against the pillow as you bite down on it and wish that it was his shoulder you were biting. 

Your body goes so relaxed, boneless after your orgasm. You don’t even pull your fingers away, leaving your hand inside your panties as you breathe and wait for your pounding heart to return to normal. The house is quiet around you, though you swear you hear a moan from outside the window. 

You don’t know what drives you to do it, what filthy part of you thinks it’s okay, but once you regain some mobility in your limbs, you slip your hand from your panties. Your fingers are still wet and slick, and you lift them to wipe them on the pillow case, mingling your scent right there with Haechan’s. You breathe it in, and your heart thrills at the combination, the perfect perfume. 

Just as you’re about to roll over, to slide onto the other side of the bed to leave Haechan’s already slept-in side for him again, the door of the room opens. 

You jump slightly. 

“Sorry, it’s just me.” Haechan apologizes. 

You sink back into the sheets on his side of the bed. He closes the door behind him, and you hear his shuffling footsteps cross the floor. You hear the soft whisper of his sweatshirt being pulled over his head,  a similar sound when a moment later he drops his swim trunks. He steps into the en-suite for a few moments, and when he emerges you can just see the shadowy shape of him moving over to his bag on the desk. He pulls out some sweatpants, slips them on and then crosses back to the other side of the bed. 

“You smell like lake water, bonfire smoke, and chlorine,” you mumble as he slides into the bed. Not that it’s a bad thing that he smells like that because even under it all, you can still catch that definite Haechan-scent. You still wish you could pull yourself closer and bury your nose against him, breathing it all in. 

“I’ll shower in the morning,” Haechan says, his words already half-muffled. “You’re on my side of the bed, by the way.”

He shuffles a little closer, and although this bed is big, you’re still very aware of him when his foot bumps against yours. 

“You’re the one that invited me. Guess you should’ve been more specific about where you wanted me.” You flip over onto your side to face him. His eyes gleam slightly in the dim light still coming in from the lights over the hot tub. 

“Next time I’ll make it clear where I want you,” Haechan says. 

You don’t know what exactly he means by that, but you’ll take it as a promise that there will be a next time for you to end up in his bed. 

“Do you want to go on a date with me?” 

Xiaojun asks it so casually that you almost don’t even hear the question. 

Since the camping trip just two weeks ago, you’ve given in to his desires, slipped back into your old ways. Reentering into your friends-with-benefits sort of situation with him. 

You’re currently in the process of extracting yourself from his bed, dressing yourself as you sit perched on the edge of the bed. You pause what you’re doing to look back over your shoulder at him. 

Xiaojun is reclined among the messy sheets, carefree with his sex hair and his bare chest dotted with hickeys and marks left behind by your fingernails. He’s watching you warily. 

“A date?” You ask. He nods. “Where’s this coming from?”

He shrugs. “I just thought maybe it might be nice to hang out just the two of us without it only meaning sex. Plus there’s that Halloween party tomorrow night. Most of our friends are gonna be there. There’s booze, movies, music. It should be fun.” Seeing the apprehensive look on your face, Xiaojun says, “It doesn’t have to be like a date-date. I just want to have someone there to have fun with, y’know? A date for the party.”

You like Xiaojun. He’s hot, handsome, fun. He’s nice too and he treats his dog like his firstborn child which is kinda endearing, but you’re not really into him like in a romantic sort of way. You’re too hung up on Haechan to allow yourself to truly develop feelings for anyone else. And truthfully, that night during the camping trip when you’d shared Haechan’s bed is part of the reason you’d so eagerly thrown yourself back into Xiaojun’s arms. 

You’d woken late the next morning on the trip still in bed with Haechan. Your nose was buried against that spot on the pillow that smelled like you and like him, and you’d maybe let yourself watch him sleep for a few more minutes until you decided that it was creepy to watch him. So you’d left, fleeing down to the kitchen.

Haechan hadn’t even acknowledged you sharing his bed. He’d only spoken a few words to you for the rest of that day, and then that night you hadn’t dared return to that bed, too worried that you would throw yourself at Haechan and be faced with outright rejection or maybe he would accept your horny advances but that’s all it would be. Just sex, like this with Xiaojun. And you might end up heartbroken. 

So you’d turned to Xiaojun. 

Maybe he’s exactly the distraction you need. 

“Do we have to wear costumes?” You weren’t planning to do anything like that this year, and with Halloween only a day away, your choices are probably pretty slim. 

“Please?” He wheedles, giving you a sweet smile. “I’ll make it worth your while.”

The following night, you’re walking arm-in-arm with Xiaojun across the long lawn in front of one of the nicer buildings on campus. The air is rather nippy, so you wish you’d dressed warmer considering this party is outdoors, but at least there are the large bonfires to put off a bit of heat. And Xiaojun is kind and considerate and keeps you close to his side with a jacket draped over your shoulders. 

The jacket kinda ruins your costume but you don’t really care. You came dressed in contrast to Xiaojun’s devilish costume, so you’re an angel tonight, wearing just a short white dress, white shoes, a hastily made halo, and enough sparkly highlighter on your face and collarbones that you seem to glow when any amount of light touches your skin. 

You wander around with Xiaojun for a while, just chatting and strolling around the bonfires, stopping to grab drinks, even briefly dancing together where there’s a DJ. Eventually you find a small cluster of your friends – Renjun, Jisung, YangYang – but you visit with them only briefly before moving on. 

You want some excitement tonight, and you know that Xiaojun had invited you on this not-date with a promise of seeing each other in a non-sexual way. But you want sex. That’s your favorite thing to do with Xiaojun.

So once you’ve led him away from your friends, you pull him around the side of the building that presides over this long lawn where the party is being held. Everyone is too focused on the party being held in front of the building to notice the couple sneaking around the side, so you pull Xiaojun against you as you lean back against the wall, dragging his mouth down against yours for a kiss.

He falls into that easily enough, succumbing to your kiss instantly. But you don’t want just a kiss. You want more.

Xiaojun moans softly when you curl your fingers around his wrist, when you pull his hand to your thigh. You lift the short skirt of your angelic white dress, and you guide his hand higher until his fingers find the soft warmth of your panties. 

“Been thinking about your fingers, Xiaojun.” You press the words against his lips between kisses, begging a little when you say, “Need to feel your fingers inside me. Now.”

“Now?” He repeats, pulling his mouth away. “Here?”

You hum, nodding your head, using your fingers against his to massage them against your clit. Xiaojun just watches you, a curious look on his face when he asks, “Won’t we get in trouble if anyone catches us?

“No, Xiaojun, it’s kinda hot, right?” You tug him forward by the lapels of his jacket. “Please?”

“But what if someone sees?” He looks around, peeking right around the corner to the steps up into the building not so far away at all. Currently there are a few people clustered around the base of the stairs, chatting over their drinks, their laughter loud enough to mask any sounds you might make. They’re so close by, and that thrills you.

You want to know what it feels like to have sex somewhere that you might be caught, somewhere that someone might be able to watch. 

Xiaojun still looks hesitant.

“Look,” you sigh, patting his shoulder lightly. “We don’t have to if you really don’t want to. I just thought it might be something fun and different.”

The way Xiaojun looks at you then tells you a lot without him even having to say any words aloud. He thought tonight might be fun and different too, different than you just wanting to fuck him.

But you’re feeling the urge to do something slightly dangerous tonight, and maybe it’s because ever since that night at the cabin about two weeks ago, all you’ve been thinking about has been the way that Haechan stood down there on the deck, peeking around the corner at Shotaro and his girlfriend. And you’ve wanted someone to watch you. Of course, a part of you kinda wishes it would be Haechan, but when you’ve actually thought about it over the recent days, you’ve realized you really like the idea of anyone watching you.

Maybe you’re an exhibitionist. It’s a new thing that has never occurred to you before, but lately it’s all you’ve been thinking about.

“I can’t.” Xiaojun shakes his head and takes a step back. “I have some… different things that I’m into, but I just can’t get into this. Public stuff is not a thing for me.”

That’s your cue to ask him what is a thing for him? What sorts of different kinks is Xiaojun into?

But you don’t ask because you realize in that moment that you don’t care. This is why you’d ended your friends with benefits relationship the first time around. The sex was generally good and fun, but there were some differences in what you wanted to try out even that first time around. You’d forgotten that.

“It’s fine, Xiaojun. You can leave.” Your words are maybe a little too cold and dismissive, but Xiaojun doesn’t react in any way other than simply walking away, leaving you there around the dark corner of the building. 

You sigh and press your shoulders back against the stone. It’s still slightly warm from the sunlight earlier, though the night air is still sharp against your exposed skin. You don’t care that you’re alone. Maybe you’ll just stand right here and get yourself off. Your clit is swollen, pussy throbbing with need, so all it takes is just that thought that you could get yourself off right here, and your hand is already drifting in that direction.

Your skirt is hiked up around your hips now, and your fingers visibly disappear down the front of your panties. You don’t care what you look like right now with your head tipped back against the wall, the motion of your arm and fingers making it very obvious what you’re doing if anyone were to look this way. You’re playing with your clit, dipping your fingers back to your slit to gather up your wetness, slicking your fingers between the folds and just teasing yourself.

The thin strap of your dress slips down over the curve of your right shoulder. You rock your hips forward against the slide of your fingers.

You’ve never done anything like this before. The closest you’ve gotten was masturbating at your apartment when your bed was in front of the window, but your window didn’t face any neighbors, just a solid, windowless wall of the building next door. Tonight you’re horny and feeling risky and adventurous. Thus, the semi-public masturbation.

Just around the corner, you can hear people talking and laughing. 

You lift your free hand to your chest, palming the curve of your breast, and with the other hand, you finally give your pussy what she really wants. If you can’t have Xiaojun’s fingers, you’ll certainly settle for your own.

There’s not a free hand left to cover your mouth to hide your gasps and small whimpers of pleasure. You bite your lip, but that only works so well as you finger yourself and imagine that it was someone else, or imagine that someone is hiding in those bushes a few feet away watching you, touching himself as he watches you edge yourself closer and closer to orgasm.

That thought makes your pussy pulse hungrily, your breath coming out sharply. You want to pull your dress down, bare your tits so you can touch them properly. You wish Xiaojun hadn’t left you because you would get him down on the ground right now so you could ride him, feel the night air on your skin under the not-so-distant glow of the nearest bonfire. So you do squat down right there beside the building, spreading your legs a bit so you can get a better angle with your fingers buried in your pussy. 

“Fuck,” you moan under your breath. Your ankles wobble, and you lose your balance, flopping down onto your ass, your shoulders come to rest against the wall, but you don’t stop what you’re doing. 

You don’t stop until you feel your orgasm mounting, you don’t stop until it is coursing through you, your head tipped back against the wall, heart pounding, pleasure curling your toes and flushing your skin with sweet heat to combat the night’s chill. 

You gasp then sigh, catching your breath as you slide your fingers out of your panties. You wipe your hand on the grass, drag your dress back down to cover you, and you take a moment to just come back to yourself. You can feel the heat settling under your skin, your panties sticking wet against your pussy lips. Exhilaration at having just done that makes it all the more enjoyable. 

You liked that a lot. 

Getting off in public. 

A branch cracks underfoot nearby, and you look up. 

A police officer is walking across the lawn from the closest bonfire, making for you. He freezes when you get to your feet, then he takes a few wary steps closer. 

When he’s close enough, you realize who the officer is. 

“Haechan?”

He pulls a cocky grin onto his face. “Yes, angel?”

You flutter your hands over your dress, making sure it’s all properly pulled back into place. 

Haechan cocks his head a little to the side. “What’re you doing way over here? By yourself?”

You shake your head. “Nothing. Just needed a moment to breathe.”

“Are you alright?” The look of amusement on his face fades, replaced with one of concern. 

“I’m fine. I promise.” Truly, you’re more than fine after an orgasm like that. “Xiaojun asked me to come with him tonight and I think he’s thinking of this more as a date than just us casually hanging out. I needed a little space from him.”

Haechan watches you, his gaze running over your face and your posture, and you feel like he’s picking you apart, but you’re not exactly sure what it is that he’s seeing. After a moment he just looks away, back over his shoulder to scan the lawn. When his gaze returns to you, he’s back to wearing his cocky expression, “Well, I’m looking for a naughty schoolgirl. Have you seen one come by here?” 

Not recently, but you saw one earlier tonight. You vaguely recognized her as a friend of Mark’s. She’d come around the group a few times, but she wasn’t a regular. 

“Why are you looking for her?” You ask. 

Haechan just grins. “Oh, you know how naughty schoolgirls are. I’m just doing my job as a truancy officer, looking for her to punish her.”

You roll your eyes and walk around him, making it only a few steps back towards the light of the front of the building when Haechan’s hand closes around your wrist. 

“What were you doing over there, little angel? Your ass is covered in dirt.” He laughs, and you halfway twist around to look down. Sure enough, the butt of your white dress has dirt on it, but you can’t really reach it very well. Haechan offers, “Do you want some help?”

The moment that his hand touches your ass, patting to remove the dirt which puffs away in small clouds, you feel your core reignite with hunger. Haechan’s hand comes down again, a light pat that you wish was a bit harder, though at the same time, you’re grateful it’s not any harder or else you would probably moan aloud. As it is, your face feels very warm when Haechan finally takes a step around you.

“There,” he says proudly, “All better. But your halo is a little crooked too.”

He reaches up, readjusting your halo. You take the moment to look at him, to stare at his handsome face, so light with amusement right now. And then he lays a hand on top of your head, right beneath the halo, and his gaze lowers to yours. 

“You make a good angel. Perfect and innocent as you are.” Haechan smiles, a real soft smile. 

“I’m not innocent,” you immediately shoot back. 

He shrugs a little. His fingers pet your hair a bit before he removes his hand. “Well you’re certainly no naughty devil. I’ve never heard any wild stories about you, which makes you an innocent angel in my eyes.”

You frown. 

Haechan just smiles, then says, “Well, I have a naughty schoolgirl to look for, if you’ll excuse me.” He walks away without another look back, and you decide that you’re done for the night. You’re done with this party. You’re probably done with Xiaojun, honestly. And you definitely don’t want to hang around and find out if Haechan is going to find his naughty schoolgirl.

You take the winter break to give yourself the opportunity to put some distance between you and Xiaojun, and some distance between you and your useless crush on Haechan. Most of your friends leave campus for the break, but you hang around to work and get a little bit of a head start on the new semester. It’s your final semester, so in a few months you and most of your friends will be graduating. 

You also take the winter break to explore that side of you that you’d started to see during October. The exhibitionist side. 

You start small at first. 

Going out with no panties, no bra just for the impropriety of it. 

You test the waters by touching yourself while you drive back to your apartment from the grocery one day. You build yourself up very, very slowly. Scared of getting caught, but also thrilled with the idea of someone seeing what you’re doing and maybe them getting turned on too. 

As soon as the semester resumes, you begin taking your exhibitionist thrills onto campus itself. No panties and a short skirt while you’re sitting in class or in the library, legs spread just enough that the students or even a professor could see. You rub one out in the restroom between classes a few times, and you’re almost certain that you were found out at least a couple times by others using the restroom when a moan or other such sound escapes you.

As your last semester begins to tick by, you finally begin taking more risks. Such as a picnic in the park with a guy you’d met online who seemed interested in hooking up and doing it in public. He’d fingered you while he fed you cut up fruits with the other hand, which was really more of an excuse to let you suck on his fingers to keep quiet. Just a one-off because, although you liked the experience, there was something lacking with the guy. 

So you’d tried again with another – a guy that actually did see up your skirt while you were studying late one night at the library, and as soon as you noticed him keep sneaking glances, you decided to tease him. One hand slid down to tease yourself, and when he caught you watching him watching you, you’d silently invited him to join you for a quick fuck in the nearest restroom. Again, the experience was fun, but there was something missing about him.

And then one night you’re over at the rented house of several of your friends. It’s midterms, so everyone’s trying to study together for various classes, or at least trying to drink away the stress. Jeno and Haechan are studying for their Econ exam in the kitchen, taking up the majority of the space although there’s still just enough room for YangYang and Renjun to make a mess in trying to be chefs and bartenders for the rest of you. 

You know that YangYang has already given up on studying for any of his midterms. Renjun already knows that he’s well-prepared. They’re just trying to make sure everyone else is having a good time. Mark, Shotaro, Jaemin, and a few of the girls are in the living room attempting to study with you, but you’re on the verge of giving up for the night. You have a bit of a buzz going on from the boozy drinks that YangYang keeps passing around, and you have a full belly from the snacks Renjun keeps making.

“Should we watch a movie instead or something?” Renjun suggests when Jaemin also complains about being bored with studying.

“Maybe we should all just go to bed.” Jaemin frowns a little as he says it, casting a look first towards his bedroom down the hallway, and then looking towards the kitchen where Haechan and Jeno have just loudly begun bickering over some Econ lesson. 

Shotaro’s girlfriend leans her head on his shoulder. “I agree. I’m tired, and I have a project due early in the morning tomorrow.”

“I told you not to take such an early morning class,” Shotaro teases, slipping his arm tight around her shoulders. He puts on a cutesy tone as he asks her, “Do you want to leave, baby? Should we go?” 

Gross, you think. And then you almost laugh.

You’re grossed out by their cutesy, romantic display of affection in public, and yet you’re the one with actual exhibitionist tendencies. 

Jaemin disappears to bed. Shotaro and his girlfriend leave. Everyone else in the room gives up on studying to instead settle in and watch a movie. You look towards the kitchen again as you settle in comfortably between Renjun and YangYang on the sofa, lights off, movie on. Jeno and Haechan aren’t paying any attention to the rest of you; they’re still in the other room diligently studying, and you can’t help watching Haechan.

He’s clearly frustrated. The glasses he's wearing keep sliding down his nose, his hair is ruffled from him running his fingers through it. He’s pushed the sleeves of his shirt up to the elbow. He’s wearing loose basketball shorts, and he has one foot resting on his chair with his knee bent up which has caused the leg of the shorts to bunch up, revealing so many inches of beautiful bare thigh. 

You’ve been trying so hard to get over this crush you have on him, but right now you’re epically failing. All you can imagine is sitting on the floor beneath that table, licking and biting at his thighs, pulling his dick out of the shorts to suck him off while he continues studying. Give him a reward for behaving so studiously. 

“Hey.”

A finger pokes your cheek.

You return to reality, and the fantasy of having Haechan’s cock in your mouth fades away. Renjun smiles at you. 

“You’re not even watching the movie right now. Is Haechan really that much more interesting?” His voice is just a whisper, but it’s still loud enough that you feel a minor surge of panic. You glance around making sure that none of your other friends have heard, that Haechan couldn’t have possibly heard even though he’s all the way over there in the kitchen. Renjun laughs again, leaning closer until his lips are right against your ear. “Don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me.” 

“What secret?” You play dumb, and Renjun just rolls his eyes. “Really, Renjun. What secret? I was just staring because, well, if I’m being honest –” Which, for the record, you’re not being honest. “ — their talking is distracting me.” 

Renjun cocks an eyebrow and looks back over towards the kitchen where Jeno and Haechan are sitting in silence, poring over textbooks and notebooks and Jeno’s iPad screen. The only sound coming from them is the scratching of pens on paper. 

You sigh, momentarily letting your gaze wander to Haechan’s thighs as he now brings his other leg up. The shorts on that side also slide down so both of his bare golden thighs are on clear display. Maybe you let out another day-dreamy sigh.

Renjun looks back over at you, a quick up and down. He looks like he doesn’t entirely buy your story. He snorts, “Why don’t you just admit it?”

You know exactly what he’s referring to, but you refuse to admit to him that you have a crush or whatever on Haechan. Not happening. 

“I’d have to be blind to miss that horny gleam in your eye,” Renjun whispers. 

The call-out feels like a wallop to your chest. You actually flinch, struggling to find the words until you eventually mumble, “It’s just been a while, okay? I’m… lonely, Renjun.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.” Renjun promises.

On your other side, YangYang loudly laughs at something that happens on the screen, and you realize there’s no way that he’s paying even the slightest attention to the conversation you and Renjun are having. There’s no way that he notices as you shift yourself a little bit closer to Renjun, and Renjun doesn’t even comment on the way that you reduced the inches of space between you to now just a few centimeters. He turns his attention back to the movie without another word about you staring at Haechan or you confessing to him that you’re lonely. 

You try to watch the movie too. You try to forget Haechan with his beautiful thighs sitting right over there in the kitchen, try to forget the way that in the brief fantasy you’d allowed yourself, you’d somehow made yourself very horny. You try so hard to suppress that horniness, and it works for a little while as you get sucked into the movie.

But then a sex scene comes on. 

The atmosphere in the room changes slightly. 

You shift a little – bunching your hands up in the blanket that covers your lap, you move your legs, shift your weight trying to get a little more comfortable.

Renjun’s hand lands on your thigh. “Settle down,” he murmurs out of the corner of his mouth. 

You look over at him. The way he’s not even looking at you, but still watching the scene playing out on the screen. Then your gaze slides down his arm to the place where his hand disappears beneath your blanket, to the lump beneath the blanket that is his hand on your thigh. Renjun seems to notice your gaze suddenly, and he begins to remove his hand.

His head snaps around towards you the moment that your hand covers his, keeping his palm flat against your thigh. You make eye contact, and his lips part slightly. His eyes dip down to your lap before sweeping around the room to make sure that no one is looking, and then his eyes settle on your face. 

You nod, squeeze his hand.

YangYang sits just half a foot away from you on your left side. Blissfully unaware as Renjun’s hand begins inching up your thigh, as his fingers trace along the center seam of the athletic shorts you’d worn over here tonight. On the small loveseat perpendicular to your sofa, Mark and one of the other girls sit entirely oblivious even when Renjun lets out a tiny gasp of surprise when his fingers dip inside your shorts and find that you’d foregone panties tonight. The other two girls are stretched out on their bellies on the floor, and they don’t have any clue that you spread your legs a little wider, casually draping one over Renjun’s leg to open yourself up for him to touch you in the presence of all of your gathered friends.

You can’t believe Renjun is doing this. Yeah, you’ve heard a couple stories about him, but nothing like this. Just a few tales about him, but none of the handful of stories had mentioned him having any interest in anything like this.

His eyes shine in the light coming from the screen when you reach a hand of reciprocation over into his lap. Unlike you, Renjun is wearing underwear, but that doesn’t get in your way too much. Soon you have him in your hand, and he’s circling his fingers at your clit. 

You both touch each other, taking it slow and building up that tension and heat. You want to keep it unnoticeable, but also you feel a zing of excitement when you think about YangYang beside you or your friends on the floor or the other sofa. Of course, it’s when you think about Haechan looking over from the kitchen that your body buzzes a little more extremely. You imagine him looking this way and seeing the way that you’re leaning your head on Renjun’s shoulder now, staring at the movie playing on the screen without really seeing it; him noticing Renjun’s hand disappearing beneath your blanket, noticing your leg draped over Renjun’s, noticing the way that you’re both moving your arms slightly, both a little flushed in the face, lips parted and eyes glazed.

It’s that thought of Haechan looking over, seeing everything and knowing what you’re doing, him getting hard and watching because he’s a pervert like that. That is what makes you cum around Renjun’s fingers. Your thighs snap shut around his hand, and it’s only by nearly biting through your lip and through sheer will that you keep from moaning.

Renjun keeps his fingers moving, stroking that soft spot inside you that makes your belly tingle even more. You can feel the way that your pussy is dripping around his fingers, and as soon as your thighs relax around his hand, Renjun slides his hand out of your pants, out from beneath the blanket.

His fingers shine with your wetness, and when he pulls his fingers apart, you can see your stickiness there. And then Renjun brings his fingers up to his lips. He makes direct eye contact with you as he licks his fingers, then as he stuffs them into his mouth to clean them up. You’ve halfway forgotten that you’re meant to be jerking him off as well, but his free hand drops down to cover yours on his cock, getting your hand moving again while he sucks the taste of you from his fingers.

And just like that, Renjun cums too. You can only just barely hear the sound of a slight groan escaping from around his fingers. His cum pulses sticky and warm over your hand, dripping down your fingers, slicking your palm as you smear it around his leaking tip. 

Your hand is still around his cock when you lift your head from Renjun’s shoulder to touch your lips to his ear so you can whisper, “Next time, I want to ride you. Okay? Right here, like this.”

Renjun visibly swallows, his throat bobbing. “I don’t know about that.”

He reaches down, pulling your hand away from his cock, out from beneath the blanket. He doesn’t look at you, and it’s not like you really have feelings for Renjun or that you’re super attracted to him, but his rejection still stings a bit. He quickly stuffs his cock back into his pants, stands up, and heads upstairs. 

Renjun doesn’t come back.

You wipe your hand clean on the back of the little throw pillow tucked on your end of the sofa. You lay down over Renjun’s abandoned spot, stretch your feet out into YangYang’s lap, which makes him frown over at you slightly. He doesn’t move your feet though, so you lay your head on the throw pillow that you just wiped Renjun’s cum on the back of, and you watch the movie.

The two girls on the floor say that they’ve got to leave when that movie ends. Mark puts on the sequel to the movie you’d just watched. Still Renjun doesn’t return. Still Haechan and Jeno study in the kitchen, conversing in low voices. Halfway through that movie, the girl sitting with Mark falls asleep, and when he carefully lifts her into his arms to carry her upstairs to his bedroom, you remember that they started officially dating recently. 

YangYang moves over to the empty loveseat now that it’s empty, giving you the entire sofa to stretch out on. You fall asleep before this movie even ends, replaying the fun with Renjun, but wishing too that someday you’ll be able to sit on the sofa surrounded by friends with someone’s cock buried inside you, all of your friends none the wiser. 

previous chapter || next chapter

a/n: she's a little bit of an experimenting exhibitionist lol, just as much a pervert as Haechan honestly, though I don't think she realizes it yet. As I said a while back when I was posting about my writing process with this series, this is definitely a slowburn that gets there eventually, like obviously if she's trying to start something with xiaojun and then with renjun it might take a minute for that burn to really get going between her and haechan, but hang in there for the ride! I hope you enjoy it!

[rabbitsrams]

memories -- jschlatt x reader

warnings: ANGST. that's all

wordcount: 1.2k

a/n: WOOHOO STELLA WROTE A LONG FORM FIC

It's been two years since the breakup.

You were mostly over it, having moved all of your stuff out of your shared apartment and blocked him everywhere. The breakup was amicable but you had a feeling that 100% cutting him off would be easier for you.

You were now in the process of finally moving out of your parents' house (again) and into a new place. They let you move back in following the breakup and with that plus struggling to find a decent job, you were stuck there for a while. But this was a good sign, a sign of change. A sign of moving to the next thing.

As you went through your childhood bedroom for the last time, searching for anything that you may have left behind, you came across an old picture stuffed away in your desk drawer.

It was from that photobooth from the zoo. The zoo that you went to with Schlatt all those years ago. All of a sudden, memories began flocking back to you the more you stared at it.

The thing itself was a strip of four photos, four photos that made it seem like the two people in them were hopelessly in love. Which, at the time, they were. Two young, naive kids who were completely oblivious to what was going to come.

“Schlatt, come in here! There's a photobooth!”

”Wait, we don't wanna leave the group behind!“

”Come on! It'll be quick! I wanna have a memory from today.“

”Oh, alright.“

The photobooth was pretty small. You could only just fit together. Schlatt lifted your leg so it could rest on his and so you could be closer. The machine's garbled voice instructed the two of you on what was going to happen, telling you that four photos will be taken in intervals.

The first photo was simple, with the two of you smiling together. Schlatt had his arm around you and you leaned close to him. The flash completely blinded you two, so the second picture was of you covering your eyes, laughing at the circumstances.

The third photo had you kissing him on the cheek, his face crimson and a smitten expression on his face. And finally, the fourth one had Schlatt kissing you on the lips.

The machine was waiting for you to pay for the photos, asking in that same garbled voice for you to insert cash or a credit card. But you were too busy kissing each other to pay attention.

You eventually broke away when an angry father opened the curtain, demanding you two hurry up so him and his daughter could use the booth. You apologized to both of them profusely as Schlatt took his card out and paid for the photos.

You each got a copy of the photos, grinning at how good the pictures turned out. There was a permanent marker lying on the top of the photo dispenser. You grabbed it and wrote the date and drew a little heart with your initials on his. He took the marker from you and did the same.

You turned the strip over, seeing Schlatt's familiar handwriting. It got you wondering if he still wrote his e's like that, still added a little smiley face at the end of his notes, still had the photo like you did.

You wanted to throw it away. You wanted to completely free yourself from those memories. Memories that made you smile but hurt you at the same time. Memories of a relationship that was no more.

But there was something inside you that urged you to keep it, to bring it with you to your new place. It didn't have to be displayed on your corkboard or on your fridge. You could hide it away with your other hidden things and look at it if the urge was there.

You could still hold on.

——————————————————————————————————

Schlatt had returned to New York for a family party. It's been a while since he's been back after moving to Texas a few months after your breakup. His childhood room still looked the same and had a lot of old memories from his life.

He decided to do a little video for his second channel, giving his audience a little tour of the space they were familiar with before moving to a new space. It was going to be fun looking through old stuff from making videos at that time and

As he was going through a drawer by his desk, he saw a folded sheet inside. Putting his camera down, he took the sheet and unfolded it, surprised to feel it was camera paper as opposed to notebook paper. And he was met with quite a surprise at what the photo contained.

Seinor prom. He was dressed all nice in a tuxedo, smiling at the camera as his arms were around your middle. You were beaming, your dress being that same dress he helped pick out because it was his favorite shade of blue. You had a corsage on your wrist that he remembered the petals tickling your wrist every time you moved it.

You looked so beautiful.

He was surprised that he kept the photo, considering he made it a vow to get rid of everything. He must not have brought this photo with him when moving into that apartment.

He shut the camera off, planning to go back to recording soon. He exammined the photo, remembering that entire night.

He picked you up that night, sheepishly smiling as your parents gave him looks. Looks that would guarantee something happening to him if he ever hurt their daughter.

You looked so beautiful in your dress, in your makeup, with your hair styled so nicely. He almost forgot to give you the corsage because he could not stop staring at you.

The limo was also so nice, with you, him and your shared friends all chatting as loud music blared from the speakers. He loved how you made conversation with the driver after being dropped off, thanking them and apologizing if the group was too loud.

He dragged you to the line for prom pictures, to which you sighed because of how long it was. But the time went by fairly quickly because of how engrossed you were in a conversation.

He laughed at how cheesy the backdrop was, multi-colored fringe foil decorations barely covering the gymnasium door. The photographer, completely uninterested in what he was doing, simply told the two of you to pose and do whatever. He wrapped his arms around your torso, holding you tight as you both grinned.

"Ah! The corsage tickles!"

Schlatt folds the photo back up, this time stuffing it inside an empty pill bottle by his desk. He couldn't bring himself to get rid of the photo. He knew he still had some feelings for you even after all this time. He hated himself for hurting you so much and wished that things could have worked out.

He was hurt when he saw you blocked him, but he knew it was crucial for you to heal. And he hoped that you were doing well with everything you wanted to pursue. Your happiness was all that mattered.

He swore that he was over you, swore that he would be okay without you. But after seeing that photo, he wasn't sure if he was.

[edgymcedgerson]

It’s 3AM where I live at the time I’m writing this, and I am once again thinking way too much about the Hexsquad. Don’t know where I got the idea to begin with, but I was thinking about all the games we see on Luz’s laptop and then started wondering what it would be like if she introduced the rest of the Hexsquad to the world of human games, and what games they’d all enjoy.

I’ve not really seen this discussed anywhere, but these are just ideas I’m having in the moment of my sleep deprivation that I wanna share and yap about in my usual rambling fashion. I’d love to hear peoples thoughts and head-canons if they have any for this idea too too!

Amity:

I personally don’t think Amity would be that into gaming, at least not compared to the others. But if she were to have games she enjoyed, I can see her liking visual novels first and foremost as there’s something fun about throwing yourself into the story and having a choice in the direction things go/how you interact with the characters that she found so appealing; this idea kinda comes from the episode where we found out Amity had a secret collection of Good Witch Azura books and how she drew fan-art of herself with one of the characters.

I can also see Amity enjoying a rhythm game once in a while as they’re easy to pick up and put back down without having to worry about remembering a story; it isn’t too hard to learn them in the begining but the want to get good at them can become addicting. I feel like she’d love the casual competition in them and that she’d work hard to get the highest score she could so she can place in the leaderboards. Her enjoyment of rhythm games would soon lead her to get heavily into DDR and she’d enjoy going to play it at the arcades with Luz on their dates, I think she’d pick up on it astonishingly fast.

Gus:

Sandboxes all the way! I can’t explain why this is my first thought for the life of me, but I can see Gus really enjoying The Sims and Minecraft particularly in the sandbox genre. I especially love the idea that he’d play MC on splitscreen mode with his friends if there was a console in the Noceda house. I think Gus would also really enjoy RPG’s too, especially if he found one or two of Luz’s old JRPG games lying around. I feel like he’d love the flashiness of the fights and ‘all of the amazing stories humans come up with’.

If he got into Sims, I feel like he’d create a household based on him and all his friends living together in a giant house, maybe he’d even make a household based on the crew in Cosmic Frontier. I like to think he’d excitedly drag the rest of the Hexsquad to come see the things he’s made/done in the game too.

At some point he’d wonder if it’d be possible to make a ‘real life sims’ with illusions, though he’d hesitate to try it out as he was worried something would go wrong (as it seems illusions sometimes do the opposite of what you want, as seen with his illusion clone in one of the episodes, I don’t remember which one rn lol).

Willow:

I don’t know what this genre would be considered, and I feel like this is totally obvious, but if she were to get into games I can see Willow absolutely loving the games that require a lot of player-movement, think things like Just Dance, Wii Fit Ring, Beatsaber, etc etc. Anything to get the blood pumping. She’d find it fun how she could get her friends to join her on the multiplayer ones and enjoy the playful competition of it all.

In her down time/when she needs to cool down from some intense training/exercise if she wanted to play games she’d probably enjoy a good cozy game such as a gardening simulator. For her, while it wouldn’t be the same as taking care of real plants, it’d be nice to have her own little digital garden she can look at and make as big as she wants (especially while they’re stuck in the human realm, I can’t remember if this is canon or fanon but I feel like she’d have a greenhouse back at home in the Demon Realm? And she’d miss it a lot; so it’d be nice to try and recreate it in a game.)

Last of all, Hunter!

I will admit, some of my ideas for Hunter in this is partially me projecting some of my fave genres, but I can genuinely see Hunter being big on puzzle and strategy games! Basically anything that requires him to think and or learn tactics on how to best play the game. I feel like he’d enjoy a good mystery once in a while too.

I think Hunter would probably enjoy the idea of stealth games too, but he’d struggle playing them either because it reminds him of his time as Golden Guard too much, or he gets way too anxious trying to stay stealthy in them and it ruins all the fun for him. I can see him also maybe getting into rougelites/likes or dungeon crawlers because of Luz. They’re easier to get into than stealth games as they don’t cause him as much stress.

At some point he’d find a game he loves out of all the ones he tried and focuses on that one and that one only, he just completely obsesses over completing/getting good at it as he needed something to keep him occupied as having nothing to do makes him nervous. So much so he ends up 100%ing it in a shockingly short amount of time. Everyone is worried because his eye-bags are getting worse, but it’s thankfully not nightmares keeping him up this time like they probably assume. He just got way too into the game and would forget to sleep.

[chrissbluehat]

Nervous

Pairing : y/n and Chris Sturniolo 

Summary: you lived a pretty standard life, you kept to yourself mostly, and never felt you drew the eyes of anyone. Though this always felt conflicting when comparing yourself to friends. This was until a boy came into your life and flipped it completely around.

I hope you guys enjoy this, the later parts will get more interesting and I'm starting to write part 2

Warnings : drinking

Part 1 

I was stuck at Lily's party. I hated every aspect of parties, call me a loser, nothing will change my mind about them. I didn’t see the appeal of being around drunk, messy teenagers claiming to be having the time of their lives minutes before spewing their guts in a corner and joining the lot that were already passed out. If you ever catch me in this state, please know I'm probably going through some kind of personal hell. I only came to this party because Lily is my friend and I didn't want to reject her invitation and look like a bad friend for not going and enjoying the comfort of my bedroom while everyone else was there.

I headed towards the kitchen and grabbed a drink and retreated towards my friends,  I was a social drinker, in the sense that I only drank if practically forced to, my friends claimed “no guys are ever going to like you if you look like you don’t know what fun is”, so I would carry around the same bottle the whole night and take a couple sips out of it to avoid judgement from my friends. As I returned I noticed that each of them had a guy around their waist, clinging onto them as if their lives depended on it. I had no clue who they were really, I knew they were on one of the sports teams because that's all Chloe knows about her little fling, clearly the two didn’t do much talking. I would say I don't blame her but he’s a hunch blonde, so not really my kind of guy, but you can’t be too picky in this day and age especially me. I stand awkwardly with the group, feeling isolated around this gathering of people looking for the one person that makes me feel any comfort in situations such as these.

“Jenna!”, I exclaim, with a sigh of relief. She was probably my closest friend, I confined in her for everything and she was like my other half and I would never let anything come in between that and neither would she. She was like an extraverted version of myself which is why we probably got on so well, we balanced each other out in ways others didn’t. She was the one that introduced me to the girls in my group after she started going to more outgoing extracurricular activities at school that I'd avoided. Though at times I felt I didn't understand the girls, I still loved them.

“Y/N!” She hugged me, being careful not to spill the drink in my hand. 

“Where have you been? I've been looking for you all night”. Honestly I was kind of lost without her, but I'd never admit that to her because I don't want her to feel obligated to be around me.

“Hayden”, she rolled her eyes with a giggle causing me to reciprocate her expression. “He told me to come and get him from his house so I've driven all the way there and guess what?”, she pauses

“What?”, I laugh.

“He’s fast asleep and totally forgotten about the whole thing, I tried to get him up and force him to come but the lump wasn’t barging”. We laughed together at the course of events. Jenna and Hayden had been together for 2 years and of all the high school relationships I've seen they’re the only pair I bet will last, touch wood. They gave me a little bit of faith in the men of today as he clearly loved her for much more than the average teenage boy would. I honestly didn’t even mind third wheeling around them, probably because the both weren’t keep on PDA which was good for me, they weren’t a cringfest like the rest of my friends with their boyfriends, you could tell they were just very comfortable around each other as as Jenna’s friend that made me happy to see.

Jenna looked down at my half full drink and gave me a smile, “are you still on your first one?”,

“Of course, I'm not drinking more than I need to”, I laughed, Jenna slightly grabbing my arm as she laughed on me. 

The topics between us changed fast and ended up on school, my focus slightly drifted as I noticed a brunette approaching the group of boys. I felt like I knew him for somewhere but I couldn’t figure it out which bothered me slightly, but I think that was showing on my face and I focused back on what was around me and realised the boy was smiling at me, a lightly blushed in embarrassment at the fact he noticed I was staring at him so hard. He started consuming my thoughts, an unfamiliar feeling as I never particularly cared for guys the way I was right now. I tried avoiding eye contact with him but I could feel his eyes burning into the side of my head, god the power his stare had on me and I didn’t even know him, it didn’t help that they were a pretty blue shade, not the shade that terrifies and beams at you, it was gentle. His hair covered his face slightly and was ‘long’ but didn’t look neglected which was different, I couldn't imagine that suiting anyone other than him. It looked soft and kind of bouncy. He was overall pretty handsome. He wasn’t too tall but he was taller than me so that's all that mattered. I laughed to myself, regaining my attention on Jenna. 

“What are you giggling about, were you even listening?” she raises her eyebrows, smiling, she could never pretend to be mad at me. 

“Oh nothing”, smiling to myself still, I had no idea what this guy was doing to me, I had been around him for no longer than a minute and he had been acting like an idiot. I could feel my cheeks burning up again and decided I should probably go and step outside and reconnect with nature. “I’m going to go outside on the porch for a bit”. 

“Okay. We will probably still be in here when you come back”, we smile as I step out of the room and down the hall. The evening air hits me as I step outside, the loud music bassless from here and overall more peaceful, apart from the small gatherings that were also outside, mostly just smoking which didn’t bother me too much as long as they didn’t exhale near me. I walk towards a bench by the house and sit, resting my face in my hands contemplating that whole situation. Why was he looking at me like that? It all felt weird and different, a good different though. I wasn't exactly opposed to the feeling, I just simply wasn’t used to a guy looking at me like that. While lost in thought footsteps began to approach from behind me, I then heard an unfamiliar voice.

“Hey”, I looked up to see who it was and jumped a little realising it was the same guy that was looking at me back in the house. 

“Hi”, I tried not to blush as the realisation hit me. I needed to control myself, the blushing was getting ridiculous. “What are you doing out here?”,

“Oh I just came to talk to the mysterious pretty girl from earlier”, I giggled in response. In that moment the thoughts in my head were spiralling, he just called me pretty. I thought to myself, I must have misheard him. Maybe he wears glasses? There's no way he's talking to me. I then looked away from his blue eyes and to his hands and there laid his drink. He didn’t mean it, I knew it. I was so stupid for thinking that, even giving the thought a chance. 

He smiled at me and sat down next to me, a little too closely. I would have enjoyed the moment if it wasn’t for the fact he was drunk. I half smiled back at him and went back to looking forward. 

“You don’t seem like your friends”, he suddenly said. My head snapped as I heard this. I knew I wasn't but I didn't realise it was that obvious to outsiders. 

“What do you even mean by that”,

“Well for one you’ve been holding the same drink in your hand all night,” his head tilting towards the bottle that I'd abandoned on the floor next to the bench I was sitting at. My eyes followed him to the ground and then I looked back at him furrowing my eyebrows slightly. 

“I’m just not much of a drinker”,

“Do you pretend for them or something”,

“No, I'm not some people pleaser,” turning my head away from him, slightly annoyed at his words. “How do you know those guys? I know they are all on some sports team, but I know you don’t play”.

He smirks slightly “how do you know that?”,

“I go to the games because of my friends, get over yourself,” I laugh slightly and so does he. 

“I actually used to play but stopped a while ago. That's how I met them in the first place, and we played lacrosse. I get why you wouldn’t know that it's not widely popular I guess,” he tilts his head down slightly as he talks about playing. 

“Why did you quit?”, I say looking for his eyes.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” He turns away slightly, his pretty eyes starting to glass over, his eyebrows furrow and he looks as if he is about to cry. 

“I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude”,

“No you’re good you wouldn’t have known,” he turned his head back to me and gave me a faint smile. “Anyway what’s your name, I forgot to ask?”, standing up and offering out his hand.

“Y/N, yours?”,

“Chris,” and it flooded back. I knew him from homeroom, that’s why I was so sure I'd seen him before, I knew not to mention this to him as I didn't want to come off as obsessed or something for realising so quickly, or even noticing him as he clearly hadn’t noticed me before. I stared at him for a moment.

“Well I guess I’ll see you around pretty girl”. 

My face started to heat up again. “I’m never getting over him”, I think to myself.

[adhd-merlin]

“Merlin… Does it even occur to you that what you just did is not mortal magic?”

“Of course, it’s mortal magic. I’m doing it.”

Carefully – slowly – Arthur told him, “I have read almost every book on magic in Geoffrey’s vaults over the past year, and not a single one of them mentioned what you just did. The only other time I saw that was in the cave of the disir. And I’m pretty sure that those senile women weren't the ones that did it.”

Merlin drew back on his feet. “What are you accusing me of?”

“I’m not accusing,” Arthur placated. “I’m…suggesting.”

“Suggesting,” Merlin sneered. “Suggesting what?”

Arthur realized too late, the conversation he’d led them into, but he couldn’t backtrack now. Merlin would only hound him, either verbally or with glares across rooms for the next fortnight, or for however long it took Arthur to capitulate. “You implied it before, yourself. At the wellspring. You don’t die mortal deaths. It took an enchanted blade to stop your heart. Dorocha can touch you, and not kill you. Mortal poisons didn’t kill you. You’re not even the only person who's said it. Even Hubert suggested it.”

Merlin’s face wasn’t really doing anything, and neither was the rest of him. He could have been blank parchment, or an unused wax tablet. “I’m not human? Is that what you’re saying?”

“I don’t know,” Arthur admitted. The cold nothing of Merlin’s voice disturbed him, but not as much as the glint in his eye that spoke of smothered storms and affront. Arthur felt as if saying the idea out loud were unwise, or perhaps it was only unkind. Forbidden words best left in the dark reaches of the mind where inconvenient suspicions lay fallow, unspoken for the good of all. “Are you?”

The only indication of something amiss was that Merlin tried to hide the amber glow of his eyes by lowering them and letting his hair obscure part of his face. Arthur blinked, felt a lightening-tinted brush of air past his ear, and then he was standing alone in an empty hall.

“What – Merlin?” Arthur went to uncross his arms, but they seemed stuck. When he fumbled his cuffs around, he found them buttoned together. “That…sneaky little – childish – Merlin!” He had every intention of pursuing Merlin through the castle somehow, never mind that he hadn’t the slightest idea where to start looking, but the moment he tried to take a step, he came to his second realization. He tripped and pitched forward, thankfully not near the stairs, caught himself on his tangled hands, and rolled up against the wall. “He tied my bootlaces together, the poxy – ”

“Sire?”

Great. Yes. Witnesses to his embarrassment. That was all Arthur needed. He shoved himself to sit upright as two of his castle guards ran over to him in alarm, and grabbed at his boot laces. There were at least a dozen knots in them, which…yes. Wonderful. Point taken. 

— from The Dust of Hope, Chapter 5 by fourleggedfish

[h-didanart]

Hello everyone! Can I interest you in some Age Swap stuff with my Bloodmoons?

No? Well I’m dumping the stuff on you anyways!

But first things first, I will say this isn’t exactly a full on age swap, most of my Bloodmoons are in the 20s age range with three exceptions who are all teens.

So! I exaggerated the age differences.

There’s the elementary age kids, the middle schoolers, the dead teens, and the two almost 30 adults.

Now enjoy the rambling!

Ocean is literally the reason I started this to begin with, I wanted to draw them being a badass pirate or something. They would sail the seas alongside their family, exploring the oceans and islands as they did so. Generally I could see them toning down on the impulsiveness, probably from a couple more close calls with death, and since they’d be around FC a lot I could see them becoming surprisingly patient for a Bloodmoon. Also I wanted to make them have dreadlocks but I don’t know how to draw that hairstyle :(

Now the other adult here, Amnesiac. I didn’t know where to even start for their design but I got the idea to give them those crutches that aren’t called crutches because of their issues with mobility, and the rest of the design was easy to make after that. I don’t see them changing a lot personality wise, mainly I could see them acquiring a more grumpy attitude due to the situation with their family, but they’d generally still be one of the kindest Bloodmoons around. And about their disability thing, I have actually been contemplating giving them mobility aids in their canon. I just feel like it might be good for their character and story since their issues stem from that lack of sync they have which is not something they’re going to fix just like that or at least to the point the previous Bloodmoon was at, so Ruby and Vermillion would look for ways to manage their issues which could then be interpreted by their family and the Celestials as them giving up on ever learning to cooperate, when in actuality they’re both on the exact same page for this and are actively working together to better their everyday life.

Anyways— those are the responsible adults here. There technically should be two others but they’re kinda… uh, dead and stuck in a timeless plane of existence or something, so no age swap stuff with them

So it’s just Amnesiac and Ocean taking care of 7+ small Bloodmoons, with emotional support from the Musical duo

Let’s take a look at what the kids are like, shall we?

Starting off strongly with Lone. He’s a very very angry kid, aggressive, rude, mean, generally unpleasant. This would 100% stem from his trust issues and the death of his twin, and then the adults around him not caring enough to look under all the anger. But he would manage to have one friend through all his lashing out, and they’d become very close despite the adults around them trying to keep them apart. That one friendship might be enough to pull him out of the self destructive pit he’s sinking into.

(And now I want to draw little Sprout and Original running around, great)

Next up, Magic. I literally just drew them when they were younger, right before everything went wrong in their life. They’re very excitable and energetic, looking forward to their special duties as a magical girl and very grateful that they got a chance to still be together. They’d actually be in the intended magical girl age range from the system I’m using, I think, I haven’t watched the anime yet, I will someday I swear—

And now swap! Little swap is a kitten, highly energetic and absolutely adorable. They would steal a lot of Kill_Code’s stuff and misplace it, kinda not their fault cuz ADHD + blind, but still. Though they kept the hat, they really like the hat. And unlike their canon version, they wouldn’t be maliciously aggressive, it’d just be a thing that happens sometimes. Y’know, because cat.

OK LIStEn liSten— They are my favorite, they are being included.

Retired would be a concerningly easy kid to handle, though still labeled troublesome due to their propensity to zone out at random and just kinda fall asleep wherever. They wouldn’t talk much if at all, but they will hiss and growl if anyone ever gets too close to them. Despite their very distant exterior though, they’d be very clingy towards those they do trust. And though untrusting of others, they would try to do small things to cheer up any sad people they find. Follow in their older brother’s footsteps, y’know?

Lord BM, oh boy. This is basically a Collector Owl House situation, a kid with the powers of a God who uses them to play whatever games they wish to play. Would they understand how strong their powers are? Absolutely not. Would they wreck chaos on the world because of that? Yes. But can you really look them in the eyes and stay mad at them for it?

The next one’s design I messed up, they’re supposed to be their vampire form, not the demon one. Regardless, Fantasy would be a chaos wrecker, very hyper and very easily bored, they will cast dangerous spells just because they think they’re neat. They would 100% set several houses on fire and then flee the scene cackling wildly into the night. And they would pull off the innocent act very well too, especially in their bat form. They’re just an innocent wittle cweachur who’d do no wrong whatsoever :3

Next up is Horror! They would change outfits constantly, mostly sticking to hoodies but playing around a lot with whatever clothes they can find. They would retain their love for scary stuff which would be freaky and definitely make the adults around them concerned about them, but they too would retain their kind and optimistic demeanor. The two AIs would generally get along better, though they’d still have their disagreements, mainly about how to treat others, Hatchet is way too blunt and rude while Heaven is a bit of an anxious wreck. And I like to think that in this scenario Eclipse would be their younger brother while Dear would be their older sister, it’s funny to me.

Second to last Bloodmoon, Withered Hopes! They’d be a very happy kid, which is weird because they do//know a lot of stuff that’s extremely concerning. They can survive on their own, find their own food and make their own shelter, they can even make haphazardly thrown together weapons, which is good but also a really bad sign that their environment isn’t exactly friendly to them. And their reactions to violence absolutely do not help that, they could hit someone over the head with a pan and shrug it off as not a big deal, they could see a fox tearing into a chicken and not feel any disturbance whatsoever. They’re kinda messed up actually… well damn, now I feel kinda bad for them. Funny scenario to lift the spirits up, older Stitchwraith looking after them and Buzzsaw and trying to parent them but being very bad at it.

And finally we have the Separated twins! They’re very clingy to one another, no surprises there, and they’re arguably the best chaotic duo around. They’d tag team people with their pranks, often orchestrated by Harvest and activated by Hunter, they are menaces together. The least harmful menaces around, that is. They’d do their best to match one another mainly wearing similar clothes, and often taking turns on choosing what to play, Hunter liking tag and general physical activity, Harvest liking video games more. Should be worth mentioning that they do have a couple dietary restrictions//requirements, Harvest can only eat red food while Hunter needs to eat meat, this is also the case in their canon.

[talonandelilah]

5

“Tal, why were you hiding a neck tattoo earlier?  Does it mean something?” Lightly Del traced over it with one finger, the pattern ornate and flowing, she found it beautiful.  “Am I not supposed to see it?”  She looked at his face again and met his eyes.  He looked confused and that made her a little scared.

He didn’t HAVE a neck tattoo.  What was his girl…no…she wouldn’t tease him about....oh fuck!  Without saying anything Talon was up off the bed and into the attached bathroom in an instant and flipped on the lights which were way too fucking bright after being in the two dim rooms.  As his reflection greeted him though, there it was and he couldn’t deny what he saw.  Holy FUCK!  

“Uh, Red Hot, ya wanna come here?  We need to talk, sweetheart.”  Yeah…that was an understatement, genius.

He heard her coming behind him before he saw the red hair over his shoulder and when he turned around he saw it.  Fuck yeah!  “Babe, I got some good news and some bad news.  Which ya want first?”

Del’s eyes searched his face and she felt like crying.  After what had just gone on between them and now there was bad news of some kind?  Had she done something?  Was there something about Talon that Brie hadn’t told her?  Did he hate her?  Was she just a pity fuck?

“Bad.”  She choked out and tried not to cry. He really needed to get better at teasing her. She was going to break his heart if she kept crying when he was trying to to tease.

“K, if you say so.”  He got down right in her face so that their noses were touching.  “You’re absolutely and positively, 100%, without any doubt….stuck with me.  Yep, can’t get rid of me.  I mean, you are literally going to have to put up with my fucking ass for…well, ever.”  He saw confusion cloud her eyes and she did that thing where she looked back and forth between his eyes and her little eyebrows drew together.  FUCKING CUTE!  God, he was falling for her in less than five hours, and that was without the nifty magic tattoos they now had.  

Talon leaned in and kissed her softly.  “There’s more bad news.” Her eyes went wide and before she could react, he deftly moved behind her and pushed her forward so she could see herself in the mirror.  “You got one too.  Only yours is right over your heart.  Kinda cool.”  He grinned as he put his chin on her shoulder, watching her stare at herself in the mirror in disbelief.  “Ya do know what this means, right?”

There it was, he wasn’t lying.  She did have one, and it matched his.  And, he was almost giddy over it.  He was happy.  She was afraid to be happy and could nor be more shocked if he’d said she’d sprouted a second head.  They. Were. Mated.  Married.  Bonded.  Paired.  Suddenly her eyes met his in the mirror and she still had a look of shock as she tried to take it all in, but as their eyes met the joy in his eyes was not debatable.  

“You’re happy about it?” She was hesitant. 

“You’re not?”  Now he looked unsure, but his arms came around her waist to hold her.  He was trying to comfort her, she could tell but she honestly wasn’t sure what she needed.

“I’m overwhelmed.”  She was honest, but she was happy and she put her arms over his to keep him from pulling back.  This caused his arms to tighten.  “I am happy, but this whole immortal thing is new.  Like a week old new.  And now, I’m married…ish…and…I just….well…I…” Del closed her eyes and took some deep breaths.  Her anxiety was kicking up.

“Red, shh..  You don’t have to explain any more than that.”  He understood now.  He had been afraid she hadn’t wanted him, but now he got it.  It hadn’t occurred to him how new all of it was and then this.  “We’ll take everything as slow as you need it to be, ok?”  Her head nodded and he kissed her cheek before turning her around and pulling her against him, then reaching over and flipping off the light.  “Come on, let's go back to bed.” Tracing them over to the bed again, they climbed in and he laid on his back, letting her choose where she wanted to be.  Her head came to rest on his chest and it made him smile.  “You can stay in here, or have your own place.  I’ll leave it up to you.  Or you can go back and forth depending on how you feel most comfortable.  Delilah, I’m not going anywhere.  Even without this new shit, I liked ya.  I liked ya A LOT.  I didn’t want what just happened to be a one time thing or just something casual.  I know we just kinda met and all, but I had a feelin about ya.”  Talon’s finger’s were gently caressing Del’s arm as he talked to her.  “Del, babe, I was gonna be all yours even before we knew about this.  From the second I saw ya and Brie told me about what ya liked, I just wanted to get to know you.  No one else.  Just so ya know.”  He stared up at the ceiling.  He had wanted her to know, to understand.

He was HERS?  Even before?  This sexy as sin man was hers?  He could have walked into any bar in any city and walked out with some hot chick and he had wanted her?  She found it hard to believe and just about said it, then her brain kicked in.  What was it he had asked her about when they’d left breakfast?  Gaming.  Hot as he was, how many women complained about their men being heavy into gaming?  And being immortal, how many women were going to want a man who was heavy into gaming and killing things?  Two things that were her passions.  

“Right now, I’m liking right where I am.”  One of her long legs moved to lay atop his and she heard a light chuckle and felt his chest move.  Her fingers played lightly in his chest hair.  Unlike so many of the “pretty boys” that her friend had dated, Talon was not smooth chested.  He was fuzzy, and she found it sexy.  “And don’t you ever shave, Feathers.  I like the fuzz.  Only place you can shave is the face.”  That earned her an outright laugh.

“As my lady wishes, Red Hot.”  His free hand rose to press her head briefly into his chest as he placed a kiss on the top of her head.  HIS  “Any other demands that I must obediently follow?  I might have a few demands of my own for you, you know?”

“Whatever this cologne is, wear it.  I think I could just smell it all day.  I might be addicted.”  She pressed her nose into the center of his chest and did a sniff and a slight sigh.  “So, what are your demands, Feathers?”  She liked their names for each other.

“Darlin, I’m not wearing cologne.  Welcome to matehood.”  He chuckled and kissed her head again.  Damn, this was gonna be good.  He might have to ask Brie to put him off of duty with the guard for a while and take her to the tropical area of Imperium for a bit of a honeymoon, a naked one.  

“I saw that sports bra and panties combo,” he felt her shift a little uncomfortable and he grinned knowing she wasn’t anticipating what was coming, “get more of those.” She froze. “Like lots.  When we’re gaming together, I want ya in that.  God, that would be so fuckin hot.  No lace, no strappy shit I gotta figure out.  Just that. K?”

“Are you serious?”  She sounded like she didn’t believe him.  She probably didn’t.

“Dead.  Get sets in every fucking color.  And do you mind just either sleeping in that or naked?  I want to feel your skin on mine when you’re with me. Like right now is heaven.” Another kiss to her head.  

“You’re being serious?  No sexy lacey stuff with heels?” Del asked again, still sure he was joking with her till he tipped her head back using his fingers under her chin and she saw his eyes.  No, he was serious.  “Okay, cotton panties and sports bras it is.  Every color of the rainbow and then some.  And I’ll steal your hoodies and shirts.”

“Now you’re talkin, Red Hot.” Talon grinned and she swore she felt herself start falling for him.

“If you hold me like this, I have no problem sleeping naked with you.”  Her hand again skimmed lightly over his chest.  Him being naked next to her was a pretty nice thing all on its own.  “In fact, I’m pretty happy to stay just like this until it’s time to get ready for the ball.  Unless you have other plans?”

“Fuck no.  Darlin, I am all yours in every way.  You and me are going to make plans for things for any time I’m not on duty with the legion.  Even if it’s just sittin on the couch and watchin a movie with the door locked and a privacy ward so everyone else can fuck off.”  His arm tightened around her.  “And tonight I’m talking to the boss and getting some time off.  You and me are gonna go to a private place I have here in Imperium on a honeymoon.  I’m going to take care of ya.  I told ya, I wanted ya before the mating thing.  I’m not changin a thing, cept I might be a bit more possessive.  Can’t help it, it kinda comes with the territory.”  Talon kissed her head, his own still reeling a bit from being mated. “I like the sound of that, Feathers.  We have a lot to learn about each other, but we have all the time in the world to do it.” 

banner by @cafekitsune

[cybrpwup]

ᴀᴡᴋᴡᴀʀᴅ || ᴋʀʏᴏᴢɢᴀᴍɪɴɢ x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

John x f!reader

content warnings; smut, language summary; John and Y/n’s first time Requested?; Yes ! ↳ can u write a kryoz smut where its him and the readers (fem) first time and theyre all nervous and awkward !

For weeks Y/n and John had been navigating awkward flirting and nervous dates. John had a crush on her from the moment they first met but was too shy to do anything about it. When he first asked her out, it took her a good thirty seconds to answer because of the shock. Of course, he mistook her silence for denial and almost started nervously backtracking until she blurted out, “YES!” a bit louder than she intended.

It made him laugh.

After the first date, the two spent as much time together as possible outside of just videos. Most of the time, they hung out at his place since she lived with her mother, so privacy wasn’t in abundance. Not that the two really needed much. Both of them wanted to go slow.

But the more time spent with together, the more attracted to each other they became, and eventually, watching TV turned into slow make-out sessions and curious hands. Which is exactly how tonight started.

The air felt different that night - the energy was more charged than usual and Y/n found herself wanting more than just his mouth on hers and his hand on her hip. Though, both were wonderful on their own.

“John,” she panted as he drew back to catch his breath. “Can we…?” Her hand grabbed his, fiddling with his rings.

“Can we what?” he asked, reaching up to stroke her cheek.

“Can we…you know…” She felt her face grow hot and mentally cursed herself for being so nervous, “Maybe go further than kissing?”

He stared for a moment until his brain caught on and his eyes widened. “Oh! Um, yeah. Sure. I mean, I’d like that a lot but I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything.”

She giggled. “I don’t feel pressured at all. I just…I really want to go further.”

“How much further?”

She slid her hand into his hair and pulled him into a slow kiss, attempting her best at pouring her heart and soul into it. His body melted as his arm slid around her waist to pull her in close. When they parted, they both were panting.

“As far as we can go,” she breathes, “I-If you’re okay with that, that is.”

He nodded and she watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed when he swallowed thickly. “Yeah, yeah, I’m good with that.”

“Good.”

She kissed him again before losing all her nerves as excitement drowned out any unwanted feelings. He’d been nothing but gentle with her from the beginning and she knew her feelings for him were already bordering on love. Her excitement seemed to fuel his because suddenly, neither one of them could keep their hands to themselves.

Her fingers fumbled with the buttons on his shirt, until she got frustrated and pulled away from his kiss with a swear. “Goddamn buttons!”

John tried to help, “Here, let me…”

After several seconds of awkward fumbling, and with the help of both of them, they finally managed to get the damn shirt open and off. His white undershirt came next, running her hands up his tone chest before pulling him into another kiss. The rest of the clothes pretty much came off the same way, with someone or something getting stuck and the two having to fix it in between self conscious giggles and kisses. It’s especially difficult to do on the couch, yet neither thought to move to the bedroom.

Once clothes are discarded, all laughing stopped as the gravity of the moment took hold and they allowed themselves to fall into each other’s embrace. She could feel John’s body trembling and she pulled away, holding his gaze

“Do you want to stop?” She asked, nervous she’d already did something wrong, “We don’t have to—”

“I want to,” he blurted out. “I just…I don’t want to mess this up.”

“Me neither.”

John cupped her cheek, bringing her forward so their foreheads rested against each other’s, “I really care about you.”

“I care about you too, John. Please make love to me?”

She heard the breath rush from his lungs, making her eyes open and stare into his. He looked at her with such adoration and rapture, she felt her face grow hot again. He drew back to feel around for his pants, eventually drawing out his wallet and a condom. Her body shuddered at the sight of him rolling it on, this time with excitement.

"You're soaked." John praised, his forehead gently resting against hers as he slid a finger through her wet folds. She let out a pathetic whine, trying to grind her hips against his hand. John chuckled softly.

"I know, I know." He whispered, pressing his lips against hers as he gently circled her clit. He was being so soft, so careful, and yet so curious. He kept his face close to hers so he could feel every pant she made, hear every whine and moan that left her angelic lips. His fingers rubbed gentle circles, causing more wetness to gush out of her. She gasped against his lips as he flicked her clit, and she lifted her hips to try and entice him for more.

He kissed her again, settling back between her legs. When he slowly pushed into her, his eyes never leaving hers. Her felt her eyelids droop, but she forced them to stay open, not wanting to look away. Sweat started to bead on her skin as a rush of heat flowed through her. John’s cock was wonderfully thick, stretching her in a way that made her gasp.

He paused, “A-Are you okay?”

She nodded frantically, wrapping her arms around him in encouragement, “Keep going.”

John bottomed out and moaned, the sound thrilled her more than she ever realized it would. He started to move, moving slowly, peppering her cheek and throat with soft kisses - his skin hot to the touch and she couldn’t stop running her hands over every bit of it she could reach. She’d never felt so alive in her life. Every single nerve was firing off random signals, overwhelming her senses. But John’s solid form kept her grounded, his soft kisses and sweet words making tears form on the corner of her eyes.

“You’re so beautiful,” he panted in her ear. “I’m so lucky. So fucking lucky…”

“John,” she moaned out, “John, I think…”

Her words were cut off when he picked up the pace, his mouth sealing over hers to muffle her confession of love. It’s okay. She’ll tell him later.

Time melted away and everything was lost except for the sweet boy making love to her. Her orgasm was a slow build but rocked her body, curling her toes and stealing little breaths John hadn’t taken with his kisses already. His hips sped up, solid body rocking against hers until his hips stilled and he threw his head back, which was the most beautifully erotic sight she’s ever seen.

When both came down from their high, whispered promises and sweet kisses following quickly after. And Y/n knew, at that moment, that not only did she love John, but he loved her too.

[bugcatcherwill]

I have a question that I have stuck for a long while since the introducction of Ashen, how old is Rezeck?, for me reading wizzrobe dance (beutiful fic by the way) I understood they were young, but after Ashen appears showing how they grow very fast, it makes me wonder how old is Rezeck in a mental age and actual years, because they still the younger of the group in comparison to not been around a millenia ago.

Dude now Im curious what are the age of all the gang?, like they are 400 but is mentally 30, sorry if this a weird question, just love your lore and your fic, have a good day

It's no problem! Rezek's an interesting case, anyways, that I'd like to talk about because timeline-speaking it's the first monster to break free from the Malice. Since all the events of Dance of the Wizzrrobes with the exception of Rezek finally breaking free taking place before Link even leaves the Shrine of Resurrection!

The way I designed Wizzrobe aging is that they don't age similarly to any of the other humanoids. They basically have "plateaus" of growth where they grow rapidly to one stage, plateau for a bit, then shoots up to the next stage of growth like this shitty graph I just drew:

That's why Ashen went from being just a baby to more of a 5-8 year old in just a few days. It'll stay around that size and maturity for a few years before having another sudden growth spurt and be in the adolescent stage for a few years, so on and so forth.

Basically Wizzrobes spend their early years subconsciously storing up and learning their magic which in turn makes them grow until they reach adulthood.

As for Rezek specifically, the Elders all needed it and the rest of its "batch" to come of adult age to indoctrinate it into the Malice, and they had to wait a bit on top of that because a new Blood Moon wasn't showing up and it made the Elder's cranky. So combine that with the time between it's Malice-break and the gang all coming together Rezek's aroooound what would be a college-age adult if we're talking human maturity.

And for the rest of the monsters, their souls are extremely old. Likely they're older than the Malice itself, but after so many rebirths under the Blood Moon all that time is just a haze and they were never truly living. Due to Calamity Ganon wanting the monsters in their peak physical condition they're definitely around that early-20s age-equivalent of their species. Like the optimal drafting age for American young adults in the real world! Once again, my classic symbolism habits are showing lmao

And I'm really glad you love my fic thank you! :D

[olderjodijournals]

Tuesday, February 1, 1994

 

I sure got lots of mail yesterday. A postcard from Kim and my address labels, which weren’t too impressive. They’re not as nice as my last group, but the other ones I’ll be getting any day now will be the nicest of all. I went and stuck tons of them on my CD and tape covers.

I also got my pictures back. Five of them were too dark, taken before I got the flash. The rest came out OK. The wall drawings came out better than I thought they would. My parents and Tammy will each be getting 18 pictures.

Lastly, I got that Singer mending machine and I think I’ll be sending it back. It’s impossible to understand or put together. I will not pay $80 to play rocket scientist.

I got a message from Fran yesterday saying he liked “Sabrina’s” letter. He asked for a picture of her. Sure. No problem. I sent the one of Tara from the VV.

I do have more to write about, including a nice talk with Andy, but I’m just not in the mood now to write.

Thursday, February 3, 1994

 

Today Tom made it all the way inside me!!! It didn’t even hurt, but if it wasn’t for the KY jelly - forget it. I don’t know how people screw without it cuz it definitely would’ve hurt without it. We’ve been having these early-morning romantic get-togethers before he goes to work.

I’m going to try as hard as I can to be a day person for a few reasons. One is cuz he’s on a day schedule, and also so I can get some sun and some color. I’m also going to try to cut down on the smokes.

So, at least the DES didn’t make my tunnel crooked. Dr. Kolnick said the DES could’ve done worse things to me. All the DES did to me was make my cervix red, make me sterile, and knock off an ear (unless that was really caused by Ma’s smoking). Better my ear, though, than an arm or a leg. He said I’m actually roomy in there. I feel so much better and like a real woman. No longer do I feel like a freak. It feels great to know I can screw and that we’ll be married someday, and the statistics don’t scare me. Yes, most guys are jerks, but not this guy!

Later...

Well, now’s as good a time as any to get on with my writing, before I get backed up.

Andy got a new car. A Plymouth Reliant, so he’s happy. We’ll be seeing each other within the next few days.

I sent off two orders of address labels for him. One in the name of Andy and the other in Mark. It all totaled around $12. This will be his birthday present. I also got my other order of silver prism labels. They are so nice. One’s in my next journal. I used all 250 of the last batch. They were yucky.

Believe it or not, Tom set up the sewing machine and got me started. Man, this guy’s smart! His mom used to sew a lot. I hemmed two shirts and I’ll be hemming other stuff soon. I have 12 payments of $10.79 for the sewing machine. I just sent in payment #1. For ordering the sewing machine, they sent other little gifts. A salt & pepper shaker, a key chain, a nail filer, and two magnetic picture frames. I have them on the refrigerator. One’s got a picture of my nieces in it and the other’s got one of Gloria. Lastly, they sent a pin that I put on one of the lampshades in the living room. It was easy, as this shade’s pleated. The little lamp by the couch has a non-pleated white lampshade. I drew flowers on it and it looks really nice.

I saw something today that worries me. Well, it’s been so nice and peaceful and quiet across the street, but will my luck soon run out? I saw two women in a car drop the kid off. He had a bike in their trunk and a knapsack. Has he been there all along? Is it just the van that’s been gone? Who knows, but I have confidence in this fan keeping shit from waking me up. It works a million times better than the radio. I wish I’d had it long ago.

Later I’ll write about new CDs, my dad, and a talk I had with Tammy.

Friday, February 4, 1994

 

As a surprise, I ordered Tom some address labels.

A few days ago I got 6 new CDs. Carly Simon and Reba McEntire didn’t really have any songs I like. John Lennon has one song I like and Abba’s Greatest Hits has lots of great songs. Lastly, I got two Prince CDs and there are several songs I like. A few sure do remind me of the bars when I was dancing.

Yesterday morning Ma called telling me Dad’s to be operated on this Saturday. His arteries are blocked, so they’re going to open them so he doesn’t have a stroke like Nana Bella did. They didn’t have this procedure when Nana Bella was alive. Thank God they do, or else he’d have a stroke like she did and be paralyzed on one side. They’re going to run tests on him all day today, mainly CT scans.

I cried all day and Tom held me when he came home. He’s such good support. The thought of it being the last time I saw Dad when I flew here is scary. God, I hope he comes out here! Ma said maybe this summer. She also said she got my picture, it was beautiful, and she put it on her dresser. I wasn’t too sure, and I thought it’d end up with Tammy. She gave me Dad’s room number to call. We spoke briefly and Tom listened by the speakerphone as I talked to both of them.

I also called Tammy yesterday. We had a long talk. I told her how much I want Dad to see me happy. She said he knows I’m happy. True, and that’s fine, but he’s never seen me happy personally, in person.

She also went on to tell me a long story about Lisa. This was the emergency that came up a while back and had her all upset. Lisa had a friend, Stacey, who was a bad influence on her and was rebellious cuz her parents beat her. She says Lisa can’t stand on her own two feet and was Stacey’s puppet. She forbids Lisa to see her and I guess Lisa’s been really bad about chores and lying and stuff like that.

Then, she went on to say the state launched an investigation on her for child abuse. I guess Stacey told the school psychologist there were bruises on Lisa’s shoulders. Lisa said she was constantly yelled at and grounded. Yeah, I believe that one. Tammy yells a lot. She says, though, she barely ever hits her and when she does, it’s on her rump. This I don’t believe, even though I didn’t tell her. I’ve seen her hit Lisa and knock her to the floor. I also know how tense, serious, bitchy, hysterical, and carried away she can get, too. She’s told me she’s doing what mom did, as that’s all she knows. This is why I fear having a kid. Part of me fears I’d be like my mom, the other part says, “Nah, you’re calmer, more together, and you have a great supportive, patient, calm understanding guy like Tom is here.”

The poor kid would have so many health problems, though. Heart and lung problems, possible defects, arthritis and God knows what else.

I love my sister and she too, is way overdue for peace and happiness. I hope she finds it, but Bill is not like Tom and I. He’s not as tense as Tammy can be and doesn’t yell as much, but he’s not Mr. Calm, Sensitive, and Understanding of the Year, either. Tammy said he got so mad at Lisa that he punched the door so as not to hurt her. Yeah, I can see that. I can’t picture Tom doing that, though.

Later...

I just talked to Tammy for a while since our Sprint bill was only $29. I also called Fran at his new number. He wants oh so badly to talk to Sabrina. Called Nervous too, at work. He said, “I don’t want to talk to you here.”

I said I’d call later at his place, but as usual, there was no answer. I just tried a little while ago.

Tammy still hasn’t heard from Larry and Ma says he’s in Texas. She says she’ll tell him to contact me. It’s up to him, but I don’t want his phone number, cuz I don’t want to be blamed if anyone ever decides to prank him.

I had this cloth dress, like a tank top dress. It’s blue and white striped. It was a little long on me and the ends were getting stringy. I hemmed it, along with the sleeves of this cool colorful shirt Andy gave me.

I typed a letter to my parents, and I wish to hell I could go swimming now!!

I told Tom I saw the punk across the street. He thinks he smashed his van and is grounded, but has been there all along. More power to him if he did crack that fucking van up.

Going to go try Nervous again.

Later...

Finally! Nervous answered and believe it or not that broad’s still there. The fucking thing wouldn’t let me talk to him, though. She rambled and about just getting out of jail and being all tripped out. The girl was flying high as a kite! Nerv said she was just tired and was trying to keep her away from the phone, denying anything was wrong, but this bitch is fucked up!

I told him about my dad and Larry. He said, “You told me.”

See? He does read my letters. Luckily this bitch doesn’t steal my letters. At least, I don’t think she does, but my God! This girl was tripped out, making no sense. The things she said and the way she said them were of a typical tripper. I hope she doesn’t fuck up Nervous’s life too. He could go down with her. She gives me bad vibes. In the same sentence, she’d ask me how I was, then say that 4 girls went down in jail as she got out on $6,000 bail and all kinds of gibberish. And no, this is nothing like when Andy and I’d do our phone gibberish.

I can’t feel this girl around too much longer, but then again, if she fucks over Nervous, well, he’s fucked over people himself, you know. Knowing him, he may very well deserve this. This is all he’s good for and can get, in a way. Totally the type of chick he’d get. Totally.

Saturday, February 5, 1994

 

Got an awesome paper journal! Love it! It’s the nicest of all. A little more expensive at $13, but well worth it. I love the cat drawings which will give me more ideas for wall drawings, or whatever. I also love this paper. It’s slicker and much easier to write on. There was a postcard in here to send away for catalogs. I’ll mail it out today.

Tom and I got up today around 7 AM.

Ma called to say Dad’s surgery went fine and in a few days he’ll be home. She brought him the flowers I drew and the pictures I sent. I also told her to give him a lollipop when he wakes up and gets out of the recovery room, just as he’d do for me when I had ear surgery.

Boy, do I love this journal! I also love how the pages are numbered, so I don’t have to do that myself.

Tom and I went out to finally get him a nice pair of black Velcro sneakers.

Then, after I got this book we went to Denny’s. It was shitty. The food was cold, it took forever, and the place was infested with rowdy kids.

When we got home I laid out in the sun.

Soon, Tom and I are going to have some fun.

I may have an early period. I am bloated big time.

Oh, almost forgot, we also looked in two thrift stores. I got a satin bodysuit for only $2.

Later...

Well, I guess Tom and I aren’t having any fun. He’s very very tired.

There’s not much else going on right now, so I guess I’ll just go kick back and relax. Till later!

Later...

Tom’s gone to bed and soon I’ll be doing the same. In the meantime, we did another survey with the same questions I wrote out and we did in #55. We’ll do it again around April 1st. Here are the questions:

Will the business work out? J-100 T-75

Will we be married? J-100 T-99

Divorced? J-0 T-1

Live on some land? J-85 T-50

Will the people across the street play 1-3 times a week? J-85 T-25

Will I be a singer? J-40 T-95

Dancer? J-30 T-50

Model? J-25 T-50

Have a kid? J-0 T-25

Will you lose weight? J-100 T-40

Will I? J-50 T-60

Ever make a demo? J-40 T-95

Quit smoking? J-0 T-95

Will you get all the stuff you want? J-100 T-1

Andy left a message a very short while ago asking if I wanted him to come over tonight. By the time he was to get here, I’d be way too tired and out of it. Still, I can’t wait till I do see him. I have so much to show him. My wall art, journals, etc.

Later...

I just talked to Andy. He will be over within the next few days.

I’m now taping shows from now to 11:00. Cops, Tales from the Crypt, and America’s Most Wanted. I still have a movie I taped to see with Valerie Bertinelli in it. I’ll save it for days when Tom works.

Tomorrow morning, he and I are going grocery shopping.

I keep telling myself to hurry up and hit the sack, but I’m not going to sleep for 12 hours. I don’t want to sleep past 7 AM. There’s no hurry.

Monday, February 7, 1994

 

Grrr, I hate being stuck. Darn stomach.

There was no answer when I called Ma. I left a message. I talked to Tammy, though. She got the pictures.

Yesterday I had a first-time yet great sexual experience. Tom managed again to get inside me. While inside me, he stimulated my clit with his fingers and I came. I’ve never been able to cum before with anything inside me. Not even fingers.

Today, poor Tom’s stuck in bed with a cold and I’ve been drinking prune juice. Still no joy yet. (sighs with frustration)

Guess I’ll go type some letters now.

Tuesday, February 8, 1994

 

Tom said to write good things about him. I said I always do. The poor guy’s really sick right now with a cold. Me? I’m PMSing. I’m big-time bloated, my tits hurt and I’m so warm. At least I finally got unstuck today and yesterday.

Andy came over and I saw his new car and showed him my artwork. He wants me to do a huge cactus in his place. Some plants, too. I took his picture and he took one of me alone and one of me and Tom together. I finished the whole roll, so soon I’ll be mailing it out.

I spoke to Dad last night twice. He’s feeling better. Fran called, too.

There was a huge hailstorm here today, and Tammy said they were in the middle of a huge storm.

Got a postcard from Kim. Soon I’ll type up more letters. Just been lazy I guess.

Later...

Tom has a fever, and if he still does tomorrow when he wakes up, he’s going to call his doctor.

Tomorrow I plan on typing more letters and I may do some editing. Unfortunately, I couldn’t lay out in the sun as it rained and hailed all day.

Wednesday, February 9, 1994

 

Well, this is certainly weird and different for me. I am at Tom’s doctor’s office. It sure is strange not being the one who has to be seen, but nice for a change.

I was just looking through a child magazine. Some of it actually seemed interesting. In a way, it’d be nice if Tom and I could be married now in order to be on the same insurance, have a kid, enjoy it, then get rich and famous when the kid’s 3-5. I’d also like to try the smoking classes, despite my doubts.

In reality, though, I’m just going to hang loose till and if I ever do become a singer. If I don’t, I’ll just work on computers.

A 6’ 4” butchy lady with a little boy just sat down. What an odd sight, but I’ve known some butches who were wonderful with kids.

I hope Tom’s going to be alright. I hate to see him miserable. He can’t work, eat, or have sex. I asked if he wanted me to go in with him, but he’s much braver than me. They called him in right away, but it’ll probably be a long time before he gets out.

Boy, everyone here looks different than I do.

Later...

Boy, was I ever wrong about waiting a long time. Just as I finished he came out of the office. He has a cold, but they didn’t give him anything. In a day or two, they’ll know if he has strep throat. I hope not.

I aired the place out when we got home and he went to bed.

I typed several letters today to Bob, Fran, Andy, Nervous and Kim. It’s been a while since I wrote Nervous. Tammy sent a message on Prodigy today. I printed it out, copied it into #57 and sent it to Nervous, along with Fran’s new number. I typed Andy a 2-page birthday letter using many different fonts. Tom also tried making him a 2-page banner for me saying: Happy Birthday, you Femmy, from the Bitch. It didn’t exactly come out perfect, but I’m sending it anyway. On it, there are 4 pictures I drew of Gloria that were scanned into the computer month ago. Lastly, I’m sending 2 pages of my different flower drawings. He’s getting 6 pages total, but I used 2 envelopes. One’s got the flowers and the banner, while the other has the letter.

I’m hungry now, so, I shall go make a TV dinner or something.

Later...

Boy, I’ve been eating like a little pig lately! Oh well, I’m already bloated and going to get my period real soon.

I’m taping a movie now which will be over at 7:00. Then, there are my usual Wednesday night shows - Unsolved Mysteries, Now and Law & Order.

In other news, I shaved my pussy as best as I could. It’s not an easy item to shave. Especially the lips around the clit. Right after I shaved, though, I threw on tons of hydrocortisone cream so my butt doesn’t end up on fire like the last time. That didn’t tickle.

I hope Tom’s sleeping well. I heard him cough, but I hope he sleeps it off. So far, it doesn’t look as if I’ll catch what he’s got, thank God. This is my first time being around a sick person without catching what they have. I’ve been free of colds and flues for about a year. If I were still dancing, though, I’d have probably caught something from someone. I’m not around lots of apartment people anymore, either.

Thursday, February 10, 1994

 

I couldn’t fall asleep till 11:00 last night. Maybe closer to midnight, but I set my alarm for 8:00 and amazingly I got up. I was really tired at first. Tom’s been up since 1:00. I taught him the alphabet and chapter 1 in the book The Joy of Signing. It was fun and he learns so fast.

Hopefully, in a couple of hours, it’ll be warm enough to get some color back. For the next week or so, it’ll only be in the mid-60s. Real soon, though, it’ll be warming up drastically.

Noon

Today I’m sending a roll of film out for $4. It’ll be here within a week.

I also went out and swept and raked leaves for something to do.

Tom’s much better today. No fever, just a cough.

Either tomorrow or the next day, we’re going to rearrange the living room. The pig’s going to be moved in there.

I just saw that punk across the street walk home with two other guys. I hope to God they don’t blast off. They’ve miraculously been quiet for about two months. This has taken a lot of stress off of me, but it’ll all come right back if they start their shit again. The fan’s a lifesaver, too.

In an hour or so, it should be plenty warm enough for me to throw on a suit and get some color.

I hope and pray I get lucky enough to skip my period. I read and even Tom had heard it’s fairly common for women to skip periods here and there.

Oh yeah? What about me? When will I get to be that lucky?

He’s working on his computer program now.

I need to go brush my teeth, then I’m going to head outside.

Monday, February 14, 1994

 

A lot has happened since I last wrote.

A couple of days ago I got two letters from Bob, one from Kim with a letter enclosed she got from Bob and a postcard from Alex who moved to Illinois.

Last Saturday Tom and I went to the swap mart. It was OK, but I only got some perfumed lotion.

Yesterday started off to be a good day, but it quickly got shitty. Tom and I went to Fiesta Mall in Mesa. I got two journals and now I have a grand total of 60. After the mall, we got pretty pissed at each other, argued all day, and said mean things to each other. When we got home, we talked it out and looked at it as a learning experience, rather than a setback. We each talked about the stuff we need to work on. I’m sometimes too defensive and I interrupt a lot, and he denies things we both said or isn’t clear enough when he expresses his thoughts. We’re so much alike and so much different at the same time, but I think we’re more different than alike.

We typed each other Valentine’s letters after. How sweet, huh?

We worked this dispute out a lot faster than the one about Larry and way faster than the one with Kim. The thing that’s different for the better about us is that we seldom get mad at each other. Also, when we do get mad we stick together and stick it out. We don’t want to leave or call it quits.

Also on last Saturday, well, it was one of those fun kinds of frustrating days. We went to a fabric store and got two 14” pillow cushions and two really pretty fabric patterns. I had no problem sewing them, and I made a nice halter top too. When I tried to make a skirt and a dress, well, that was a whole different nightmare. The dress would’ve fit a 3-year-old.

Remember my songs My Time Has Come and Carry Me Away? Well, Tom wants me to record them so he can do arrangements on them. I took out my guitar to do a practice run through them and I couldn’t sing them. I asked myself why it was so hard when I didn’t have an eighth of the voice back then that I have today. Then it hit me and I was like - duh! I was a soprano then and now I’m a contralto. We transposed My Time Has Come down by my putting the capo on the 6th fret.

I did some singing today while Tom was at work, laid out, and watched TV. I also typed 6 letters to Mom and Dad, Kim, Bob, Alex, Fran and Nervous. Gotta go now, but I’ll write more about other shit later!

Tuesday, February 15, 1994

 

Today I got up at 10:30. I spoke to Andy as it’s his 32nd birthday today.

Most recording studios charge between $40 - $60 bucks an hour, but Andy’s going to go check out this guy who works out of his house and charges $12 an hour. He only charges $12 cuz he wants to buy lots of expensive equipment and he figures he’ll get more business this way. Could be promising. I called Tammy and told her about it.

Tom got home an hour or so after I got up and we went grocery shopping. When we came home we fired up the spa and went in. It was a little cool but nice. I missed it. It was a beautiful day today.

I also received a Valentine’s card from Mom and Dad. She signed it and said: Hi to Tom, too! She had the I love you stamps in sign language on the envelope.

Later...

My period’s up to new and different tricks every month. For a long time now, I’m always either right on schedule or a day or two early. I was due today, yet all I had was one tiny spot. The thing that’s even weirder is that for the last two weeks, I’ve been feeling as if I were to get it any second. I was bloated and pre-cramping, but now I’m skinnier than I have been in weeks. Tom noticed this, too. The last week especially, I’m sitting there and all of a sudden I feel I’ve got it, but I don’t. Well, when Tom told me women commonly skip periods, and I also read this, I said, “Hey! That’s not fair. What about me?” So, I prayed and begged God to let me skip one. It either worked, or I’m just going to be late.

I skipped for nearly 3 years, but that was due to the Navane and look how fat it had gotten me. My periods have been pretty consistent since 1985.

Tom went to bed a couple of hours ago. He still feels sort of lousy with a horrible cough.

I spoke to Andy and Fran. Andy and I also tried to call Nervous. He amazingly answered but claimed to be soooo busy. I asked if he was getting laid. No, he said, so who knows what the hell he’s up to. Maybe he had to bring Crystal down from a trip or bail her out of jail.

Oh! I forgot to mention what Bob enclosed in one of his letters. The flowers on the left upper and right lower corners of the outside front cover of this book. I love them. You rub them on with a stick. I hope he sends more. They look so much like a part of this book and I’d like to put them on other journal covers.

Later...

I’m going to do something I should’ve done at the very beginning of this book. The previous book (#57) is Book of Letters #7. Well, I wrote up one page, before I knew it was to be Book of Letters #7. Luckily it is only one page. On February 4th, Friday at 3:30 PM, I wrote: I just finished the last 16 pages or so in my previous journal drawing flower outlines. Eventually, I’ll go back and colorize them.

Also copied from #57 - 5:31 PM, I wrote: I am recording a movie right now and waiting as patiently as I can for Tom to get home. I want to have some fun! I have a very sexy negligee on now. Not that it’s what I need to get fun, but I like to wear stuff like this every now and then. I sewed 4 negligees. Mainly on the straps. I’ve got 3 old tank tops. Tomorrow I think I’ll cut and hem those into half-shirts. I sure do have lots of nice clothes. I should wear them more often, even if I’m not going anywhere.

Wednesday, February 16, 1994

 

I watched a movie I taped on Cinemax, typed a letter to Fran and shortly I’ll be off to bed.

I really like my next two journals, but I sure hope I can find more like this one. Numbers 50, 55, and 59 have some of the ugliest covers. It’s the big colorful pages with fat lines that I love. I’m more and more into hardcovers these days. They pull out off the shelves easier, whereas two cloth ones side by side stick and you pull out more than one at a time. Also, if I were to drop a drop of coffee or something on a cloth cover, it’d be harder to wipe off.

On and off all night I’ve felt as if my period began, but no sign of it. I’ll probably wake up with it tomorrow. That’s how it usually works.

Well, one more smoke, then bedtime.

Later...

Well, I am outside now and it is a beautiful day. I mean beautiful! They say it’s 80º today. It’s perfect with a slight breeze and fairly cloudy too. This way the sun’s not blinding me and these pages aren’t glaring.

I’m still not sure if I have my period, but I feel like I do. Once again, I’m spotting. Today’s spot, though, was a little bigger than yesterday’s spot and the spot the day before yesterday’s. It was about the size of two quarters.

Later...

I didn’t lay out for as long as I should’ve. It’s just that it’s sooo boring!

I kind of got my period. It’s a case of way more cramps for the period or the period that doesn’t fit the cramps. It’s a very half-assed one, but I hope next month is different. I had to take 2 Ibuprofen instead of 1 and I began bloating and pre-cramping a whole fucking 2 weeks ago. Tammy says this happens to her, too, sometimes, but she never skips.

At least I know, as it’s only logical, that I’m sterile. Aside from my gut feeling and woman’s intuition, the research makes it logical. Tom read how DES girls have extra tissue that looks like lacerations, inflamed services, and painful intercourse. I have all that, therefore, it’s only logical that I also have a sure case of sterility. How do I feel about this? Sometimes sad, but grateful for the most part, as I could never handle a kid. I can’t be a constant, everyday day person, be woken up a million times, deal with the pain and damage it would do to my body, give up my peace and freedom, and I certainly have no patience or tolerance and would only be another Dureen. Tom says he doesn’t believe it’d be a financial struggle or come between us. I strongly disagree.

Speaking of good old Dureen, well, she has another bad cold. Oh well, at least Dad’s okay.

Tom will be home any minute. Another thing I have mixed emotions about. We both mutually love each other very much and want to always be together, but I sometimes wonder if he knows just how much I really really do love him. It’s not that I feel I’m not good enough for him, but I don’t want to say the wrong thing and have him feel hurt or disappointed. Or find out today that I said something two months ago that hurt him, but I didn’t think it did.

Thursday, February 17, 1994

 

Well, Tom came running home, grabbed me and hugged the holy hell out of me. He said he was worried all day about “this old man” being sick so long and therefore he feared losing me.

Never. It’s not his fault he had a cold and I’ve been much sicker for much longer. If anyone understands what he’s going through, it’s me.

We had a nice talk about several different things.

After he went to bed, Andy called and gave me two pieces of great news. He went to that guy’s house and was impressed with his studio. He’s going to start with 3 songs, all for only $100 apiece. That sure beats $400 - $500 a song. This surely is promising.

In a few weeks, he’s going to switch to 2nd shift at Denny’s. He misses the nightlife and us being able to be together more. I’ve been dying for him to be a night person.

Later...

Just finished typing my parents a 2-page letter. Also, played with my pig.

Later yesterday afternoon, my period hit full force. With my luck, though, I’ll have PMS for the next period by the end of this month.

Later...

Boy, do I feel shitty now! I’ve got that out-of-breath feeling and I’m so tight. My chest feels as if it’s got a ton of bricks on top of it.

I laid out for a bit today. Like yesterday, the sun was going in and out. It was very warm, though, that was for sure. I typed some letters, sang, watched TV, and did some word-find puzzles.

My stomach’s been bugging me too, and I’m so hot. I just turned my portable heater off.

Remember I said I made a half-shirt? Well, I put black lace straps on it and now it looks really nice and doesn’t keep slipping down on me.

I think I’ll just lie down till 6:00. At 6:00 there are going to be shows on that I’m going to tape.

Friday, February 18, 1994

 

When Tom came home we talked for an hour or so and ate some ice cream. Then, he went to bed.

We had a very short wind/rainstorm, so, Tom said he’ll put my mail out tomorrow on his way to work. I have letters to my parents, Fran, Bob and Kim. Also, two NPNs. One has a lost cat ad in it, but I totally forgot what I put in the other one.

My period is just beginning to taper off, but like I said, by the end of this month I’ll be PMSing for my next one which isn’t due till the 13th. Boy, do I want a hysterectomy! If it were painless with petty side effects, I’d love one.

I tried calling Nervous and he gave me the same old, “I’m busy” shit as the last time. This guy is a day person, yet he’s busy at 1:00 in the morning? That was his time, too. You know, each month I feel less and less into talking to the guy and writing him, which I seldom do much of either these days. I have enough of him on tape and to be frank, it’s just not like it used to be. Back in Springfield (especially Oswego St.), it was different. While he’ll always be a desperado, he’s over the hardcore obsession with me and I’m long-distance now. That’s why it’s not the same for me. There’s no fun in playing with him anymore, cuz you can’t get the old reactions from him that were funny and entertaining. It’s not the same for him either cuz I’m 3,000 miles away and he no longer lives alone. I can’t see this girl there for more than a handful of months, but I’m still 3,000 miles away. The only way it would be like the old times would be if I still lived there, didn’t know Andy, and he was alone and perhaps jobless like he was when we first met. I wish that he was somehow forced to live out here. Then, you bet your ass I’d be having lots of fun with him when I wasn’t spending the quality time I love to spend with Tom. In the future, I won’t waste money calling him, but if I were on the line and Fran called - fine.

Later...

I just copied in a message from Tammy. Typed a combination strange/fuck-you letter to Nervous. Hey, I got bored. I also did one of my workout videos and watched some TV.

Tom will be home soon and he has the weekend off.

Later, I’ll probably do some editing. I have about 6 more tapes, then there’ll be nothing more to edit. Not from Nervous anyway.

A Current Affair is about to be going on, so I think I’ll go watch it and I’ll write later.

Later...

I’m in one of those very lazy moods. There are things I could be doing, but I don’t feel like doing any of these things. At least not right now. I need to eat, then I’ll have more energy.

Tom’s not here yet, as I did ask if he could pick up some cigarettes. I kind of want to go out to dinner tonight, but it’s Friday night. All the restaurants will be zoos. With 10 million screaming kids.

Later I may read back through some of my earlier journals, like 1988 and 1989.

What I really want to do is to go swimming and get laid, but I’m sure Tom will be too tired. The poor guy has to get up at 6 AM. I doubt he’d even want to go out to dinner.

Here he is now.

Later...

I was just holding the pig, and man oh man is that thing ever all lovey-dovey and desperate for attention tonight! Every time I put him back in his cage and walk away he squeaks like hell.

When Tom got home he took me to get a take-out order from KFC, and he crashed when we came back.

I watched some of the Winter Olympic games that are going on now in Lillehammer, Norway. The only things I like are ice skating and gymnastics, but gymnastics is in the Summer Olympics.

I can’t wait to see Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan and how the crowd reacts toward them. They’re in the middle of this huge scandal now. Those two are the only ones representing the US and supposedly Tonya’s involved in setting up and masterminding an attack on Nancy’s knee to try to disable her from the Olympics.

At 1:30 there’ll be a half-hour show with guess who? Both Gloria and Linda. What luck, huh?

Saturday, February 19, 1994

 

I just set the VCR to record Linda and Gloria, just in case I do end up falling asleep.

Yet another Thursday and Friday night have passed and what luck I’ve been having with the people across the street. That van disappeared and the music stopped all at once. I only hope my luck doesn’t run out.

I wonder if my brother will ever show up again. Part of me says yes and part of me says no but it’s up to him. My parents have mentioned possibly coming here in the summer, but summer to me could be from late May to early September. Especially out here. I assume they either mean June, July or August. I’ll have to see. If my brother, parents, sister or whoever comes, I hope Tom can handle it. I think he’s past his problem with out-of-state company now. Plus, we had a long discussion and I told him that although it’ll be very seldom that I do get out of state company, I’m not going to go through problems with him every time someone comes out. The next time will tell, but I think he’s learned to deal with it.

You know, I have read all these brief little notes and reminders I’ve written and so far not one of them makes one bit of sense to me.

Well, I gotta go lay down. I’m very tired, but I don’t know if I can sleep yet. If not, I’ll write more later.

Later...

I just did part of a 20-minute workout video and later I’ll do the other half.

Tom went to a computer store with his sister Mary who’s got a computer that Tom’s now putting together.

Tom said she really liked my big cactus on the living room wall in front of the door.

I was lying in bed, being very lazy till almost two hours ago.

An hour ago I showed Tom the tape of Linda and Gloria. They were the first two on. They each spoke for two seconds and sang one song.

Here’s my review: Linda has never looked so horrible in all her life. She’s gained a ton of weight and her hair is pitiful. It’s cut up above her ear. She brilliantly sang Por Un Amor, but as usual, she stood still. Never moved around. I think Linda’s a way better singer, but Gloria’s a better performer. Gloria moves around with lots of spunk and energy.

Linda’s got two albums out I have to get. One’s in Spanish and the other is in English.

Gloria sang Coming Out of the Dark and she looked hot. It was before she cut her hair and it was darker like her natural color. Not that reddish color she seems to have a lot.

After this, I took a bath, brushed my teeth, put lotion all over me, worked out, and now who knows what I’ll do next? I think I may listen to music and sing. I forgot to check for messages, so I will now.

Sunday, February 20, 1994

 

Andy was over for a couple of hours. We had a lot of fun. I taped some tapes for him. Dubbed them, I mean. We played cards and listened to some tapes. We listened to a convo between Fran, him, and me talking to the crisis center, among other things.

Tom worked on assembling his sister’s new computer all night. Before Andy came over, though, we had some fun.

I taped 6 hours of TV, so, I’m going to go watch some.

Later...

I’m watching a really good prison flick right now. Tom likes them too, as I and Andy do. So far, there have been no really hot women in this one. As typical as the TV guide does, it was wrong by saying earlier there was a women’s prison flick on a different channel. I’ve also got other stuff taped. Two episodes of Cops, two Tales of the Crypt, and America’s Most Wanted.

Later...

Commercial time again.

Still no call about Bob’s nude picture I had Kim send Fran. He must not suspect me at all. He never mentioned or asked me about it.

What?! Lindsay Wagner isn’t in this movie. That’s what they said, though.

Well, this movie oughta be over soon. It’s quite good, too. After, I’ll probably listen to music, then try to go to bed. Commercial’s over.

Later...

Got up at 11 AM today. I must’ve been having a hell of a dream, cuz I thought there’d been a huge crash, but Tom heard nothing. Also, I did have my fan on. I never could fall asleep last night till between 4:00 - 4:30.

Tom took off for his sister’s at noon.

I called my parents. I briefly spoke to Ma who has a cold still, but I had a longer, very nice chat with Dad. Larry, Andy and their two kids Larry and Jennifer are there. When I hung up with Dad, I called Tammy. She didn’t know they were there and she sounded quite shocked. Maybe angry, too. Almost as if to say, “Hey! That’s not fair!”

She sent me yet another message today, which was cool and I copied it in #57.

When Tom came home, we did laundry, made hamburgers, had fun and watched that prison movie I taped last night. He did a little computer work and went to bed at 7:30.

Before I began writing this entry, I typed a letter to my parents. I’ll be having a few letters to mail out tomorrow. Hope I get a letter tomorrow, too. Bob’s got 5 stamped envelopes to start putting to use.

I’m taping a movie right now. Right now I’m also going to have a cigarette.

Later...

I suppose there’s more “journal work” I could do later. I don’t believe I highlighted all the entries. Those that had pretty much the same color ink written all the way through them. Part of me wishes I could recopy some with pages missing that were old phone numbers, drawings, etc. Like 10 & 11 for example. I also regret “over-gluing” certain books, like with numbers 45 and 49. So many pages of them now are so crinkly and the book’s too full. They won’t even shut all the way.

Monday, February 21, 1994

 

I just finished watching the movie I taped and it was OK.

Earlier I retyped a note of understanding in Journal #4’s front cover. It’s an explanation of the copying of those old little journals, journal charts, etc. As for highlighting – all is fine with that for now. I think one of these days real soon, I’ll type up a long journal chart and put it up on the wall by the bookcase my journals sit on. All but 3 of them fit on the 2 shelves I use. On the very top shelf that has no sides sits my alarm clock/radio, my 2 cups of pens, markers, pencils, and a bottle of musk perfume. Sometime soon, I’ll also make up several other neat charts. Like how many days each one goes from, how many entry dates are in each one, and whatever else I can come up with. For now, though, I am going to listen to music and just close my eyes and relax, till I once again return to write.

Later...

Just got done listening to music, eating, and trimming my bangs. Did a good job, too. I just didn’t have the patience to wait till I go back to that guy Richard or to whomever. Tom was even going to give it a try, but I got so fed up with my hair in my eyes. As for the rest of it, my split ends are a nightmare. I really need to trim a good 4-6 inches, but I don’t know what I’m going to do with it yet.

Hopefully sometime this week Andy will get the address labels I got him for his b-day. Tom’s too.

Speaking of Tom, he just got up to go to the bathroom.

Later...

Tom just went right back to bed. That’s where I’ll be going myself, real soon.

I smoked one less ciggie today, and I’m going to try and minus another one tomorrow.

Boy, the cat on the next page sure does look a bit like Sasha. She had longer fur, though. I wonder if Nerv still has her? There were cats almost like Shadow in here, too. I’ll always wonder what became of Shadow and hope he’s safe and happy, but to tell you the shocking truth, I don’t really miss him anymore. He was just too obnoxious. If I had to have a cat, I’d take the beast before I ever took Shadow back. He was the perfect cat who behaved so well. I love having the pig in a cage he can’t get out of, cuz I don’t have to worry about him getting into my shit and clawing at my bedroom door while I’m asleep. Tom and I still have to cut his nails.

Later...

Last night I could not fall asleep till close to 6:00 in the morning. I awoke at 11:30 to take my meds. Then at 1:30 I finally got up and stayed up. Tom’s been up since 8:00.

I forgot that there’s no mail today. It’s President’s Day.

Tom’s calling his sister right now. He may have to go over later. He said something about leaving a disk over there.

Now, I’m going to go outside to enjoy the remainder of the sun.

Later...

Well, forget about going outside. It’s still nice, but it’s kind of cool and chilly.

I think I’ll soon check out the TV guide and see what’s going to be on.

I just had some tater tots that Tom fried up.

Andy bought a CD player today and any time he’ll be coming over to get his Fleetwood Mac CD. I’m going to go listen to music now, cuz Tom can hear the door if Andy comes.

Later...

I listened to some music earlier and soon I will go listen more.

Andy came and got his CD and showed me his new CD player. It also has dual cassette with high-speed dubbing. Now he can dub his own tapes and play CDs for only $80. When I want to high-speed dub something, I use Tom’s stereo, cuz I can’t edit with a high-speed dubbing system.

Tom and I had some fun. He’s doing his laundry now, then he’ll probably crash. He has to work the next 4 days.

I’m taping a movie now, then I intend to do my workout video. I’ll also type letters, too.

Later...

Oops! Time to print a retraction. Tom just read my last two entries and according to him, he doesn’t have to work Friday. He’s now playing a blackjack game on the computer.

Tuesday, February 22, 1994

 

I watched the movie I taped and typed a letter to Kim. Soon, I’m going to type one for Bob and then maybe cut some more split ends off. I take a few strands and snip any split ends with scissors. Man, do I have lots of them!

Later...

Just wanted to update quickly on some not-so-cool news, before I hit the sack. Well, remember I said Andy was to transfer to 2nd shift? Forget about that. They just hired tons of people for that shift. We’re both bummed.

I worked out and I can already see the results. It feels so good. I also typed Bob a letter.

Later...

Got up today at 3:30. Yes, I was very lazy. Got a letter from Bob. I typed letters to him, Kim, Fran and my parents.

I’m ordering yet another kind of address label that was only $4. They’re clear with musical notes.

Also, got a 35¢ fudge bar today when the ice cream truck came. It was pretty cool to be able to walk right out my front door and get it.

Well, that’s all for now.

Wednesday, February 23, 1994

 

I did part of the workout video. I do enjoy and feel better working out, but must it be so painful?! Another classic example of “no pain, no gain.”

Now I’ll go watch The Guardian video.

Friday, February 25, 1994

 

Wednesday morning sure was pretty strange for me. I couldn't fall asleep until nearly 7 AM. I awoke at 10:30 and puked for the first time since the night I got here. Luckily I only puked once. Why, who knows? Tom thinks the turkey I ate was bad. I've been fine ever since, so at least I have no flues or colds of any kind.

Saturday, February 26, 1994

 

Well, I’ve certainly never been so into the Olympics before. You kind of get into it after a scandal breaks out. Anyway, Tonya Harding was supposedly involved in sending a hitman to hit Nancy Kerrigan’s leg. He did, but she recovered. They’re the only two representing the US. I figured it’d be fixed for Tonya to lose and for Nancy to win the gold. Well, Tonya did lose, but Nancy only won the silver. Some 16-year-old world defending champion from Ukraine won the gold, but man was she good!

Well, I do want to write and I am in the mood to, but I have nothing left to say. Not too much has been happening. I’m quite bored now, actually. I’m not in the mood to type any letters, so I think I’ll do some editing finally and once and for all. Oh, gotta do the dishes first. Well, I don’t gotta do them, but I’d like very much to do them.

Sunday, February 27, 1994

 

Watch out! I have pages and pages of some pretty wild news. Which one shall I start with? The baby or Bob? No, I’m not pregnant. It’s just that some of the time, although very seldom, I find myself wanting one. Tom got me to see that it’s okay to want something at the same time you don’t want it. I want to be with Tom and I want to be a singer more than anything else. He also got me to see that it’s okay to want something I can’t and won’t have. Yeah, I know this and I’ve walked this road many many times before. It sure does get frustrating, though. I guess I sometimes feel this way cuz my singing hasn’t happened yet and I have a lot of free time on my hands. A good 80% of it I spend well occupied, but the other 20% I get bored and this is when these feelings I don’t like tend to creep up on me. Yes, I know it’s not wrong, but it can be a bitch. When this does happen I try to remind myself of my real purpose and destiny in this life. I look at the reality of if I had a kid. That’s a huge list. I am sterile, but if I weren’t, I just couldn’t take it physically and mentally and while we’re not poor, we’re not rich, either. There are many negatives to look at in each of the 3 groups (physical, mental and financial), so that is what I remind myself of when these feelings come on and then I ask myself if I really want to deal with it and live like that. No!

I was at first afraid to talk to Tom as I didn’t want to scare him or turn him off, but he was glad I talked about it and faced it and he was very understanding. I love him for this.

It’d sure be nice to be like he is with the subject of kids; he can live either with or without a child.

Shortly, I’ll be back with news #2 of the day.

Later...

I got a message from Minnie, Bob��s friend, who said it was a very important message she had for me about Bob and to please call her. I figured he was in the hospital with a minor stroke, a nervous breakdown, a suicide attempt, or a bad flu. Well, I tried to call her back at the Northfield number she left me, but I got no answer. Therefore, I took a shot at calling Kim who I figured wouldn’t be home, but she was. She told me that Minnie called her to get my number. She’s seen parts of my letters and could see how much I love Bob. He’s like a grandfather to me.

So, Kim asked her why she wanted my number and then she started explaining.

Bob’s in jail! We can’t fucking believe it! She’s not sure where he is but thinks he’s in Walpole. Kim’s going to check into things and see what she can find out, but from what she hears, he can’t get or send letters. She and I talked about it and so did me and Tom. Now, I can see him having a house full of all kinds of people. Some of them minors that get ahold of booze. Then, I can see him unable to control them, cuz he doesn’t know how to put his foot down. He’s just very non-aggressive and would rather look the other way, whereas I would speak up about it and try to do something about getting the booze away from the kid. This guy, though, doesn’t want to argue or have to reason with anyone. I can also see him being dumb enough to let a minor or someone with no license drive his car as he can’t see too well. But the rape charge? Give me a break! Tom and I think it is possible, though, that maybe a 15-year-old who could’ve looked 18 and said she was 18 hit on Bob and he went for it. What I can’t see, is him knowingly messing with a minor. It just isn’t his style. While you never do know, I doubt very much he did this. Especially by force. The guy’s just too damn weak. A little kid could fight their way away from him. I’ve known him for years and he’s a lot like Nervous. He may drive you crazy with his mouth and express his feelings towards you, but never force anything on you. I can’t see it any more than I can see Tom robbing a bank, highjacking a plane, or raping anyone.

Kim said the newspaper fucked up on a lot of things. Yeah, I can buy that one. They did the same thing to me. She’s going to be sending me an article anyway, and cuz I’ve known him for years, I’ll know the truth from the bullshit.

She also says that Minnie says he got 10-14 years!

You gotta be kidding! And just when his life was beginning to look up for a change. He got a nice new apartment with that girl April and really wanted to get out here. He should’ve split, but he, Kim, and I thought there’d be no reason for him to have to. We figured it was a simple misunderstanding that would be taken care of and cleared up. Even he said he didn’t want to split cuz that’d make him look guilty and they’d follow his SS checks.

Kim, being an EMT, had a call in Sunderland once. A typical male got fed up with the wife and kids, so what did he do? Killed them and burned them and she had to testify in court. Well, she’s afraid of running into this guy at Walpole. They have some serious offenders there.

Another thing about it is, is that he told me that this girl claimed she never called or wrote to him, but his lawyer has got letters and phone bills as proof. Plus, this girl wrote and called before, during and after this incident from out of state.

I think it’s just another case of our beautiful justice system walking all over a naïve, desperate, defenseless old guy for the boost of their ego and power. Typical courts - get the women, children, disabled, minorities and the elderly, but let the abled white man walk. Put the drug dealer away for life, but let the murderer walk.

Well, she’s going to keep me posted as she finds things out. She said she just mailed me off another letter. Yeah, Book of Letters #7 is certainly going to be slow in the making. I’ll miss his letters. I also feel that I’ll never see him again. I feel as if he died. He probably feels the same and that he’ll die in there. He won’t have to commit suicide, he’ll either be killed or curl up and die of depression or a heart attack. This may be sick to say, but if he has to be there for years, maybe he would be better off dead. I only hope that if he does go, he goes quickly and painlessly. Maybe he really was born cursed. Way more so than I ever was. Makes me wonder what will happen to all his stuff, too. Where will all the tapes and letters I’ve sent him go?

It’s almost too scary to think about how it could’ve been me going away for a while. Neither I nor anyone else ever thought I’d go to jail, but I see now, that that’s where I could’ve easily gone. I am a woman with no connections in that area.

Later...

Late last night I did program 2 on one of my workout videos. I could do the whole thing. There were exercises I’d never seen before but they’re cool.

A few minutes ago I taped my pig squeaking and played it back. He looked thoroughly confused when he heard himself.

Also, I fell asleep around 11:00, and Tom said he could hear them playing ball next door from 1:00 - 6:00. I slept beautifully! Thank fucking God for this fan. If it were just the radio I had on, I’d have been woken up for sure.

Monday, February 28, 1994

 

I had a very interesting and very different idea earlier, but I’m not saying that I’ll do this for sure. The idea was to take each journal and break them down into chapters. Just like in a regular book. Also, at the back of each journal, I’d have a list of what topics are in each chapter. Either something like that or I can take the last few pages and write what I wrote about in general throughout the whole book. There’s a pro and a con to this. The con is that it takes the surprise and wonder out of the reader. The pro is that if I’m searching through a few journals that I believe a certain event’s written about, I’ll get a better idea of where it is this way.

My stomach is bugging me again, so I’m drinking lots of cranberry juice.

Earlier I typed my parents a letter. I also typed and sent Tammy a message. Tom says that soon they will be having a chat mode where people can type back and forth to one another, just like the deaf do with TTYs.

I still wish I could get a hysterectomy. Tom and I know that the bottom line is that I’ll never have a kid, so why should I have to deal with periods till I’m 50-60? It’s not very fair. Well, I think I’ll go listen to music.

Later...

I thought I’d write a little more on the so-called baby discussion Tom and I had the other day. I’m finding that being able to suppress certain desires like Tom can isn’t as easy as I thought. Like he said, why should it be a big deal? Yes, the greater part of me still doesn’t want one, but it’s scary to accept the fact that I’ve been wanting one just a little more than I’d bargained for. Was Tom right when he said the responsibility would be good for me? Was he right when he said he thought I’d be a good mom?

I’ll either talk to him or read this to him, but I’m still confused. Sometimes I feel like he wants one someday and other times I don’t think he ever does.

Now, here’s my biggest fear. What if in the next few years I really start wanting one badly? I didn’t want a relationship till I met Tom. There are several things I never thought I’d want or could or would do. Should I tell Tom that if this should happen to talk me out of it? Remind me how bad it would be for me? For us?

He said the other day that in 5 years he’d be so settled with me, he’d never even think of it. What’s being settled with me have to do with having a kid, and it’s going to take him 5 years?

He also said he intended to be very busy as he is now, but wasn’t it he who said life doesn’t have to end cuz you have a kid?

Like I said, I try to tell myself I’m meant to be a singer, don’t want to be like my mom and all the other shit I’d have to go through, I’m sterile, it’s no big deal. The urges won’t worsen, I’m not going to have one, as for the most part, I do know the future even though I’m only 28.

Later...

Well, I’ll have to ask Tom when he thinks $22.80 will be in the budget. My latest thing is address labels, but after I get the 3 styles I want to get, I’ll stop. $22.80 isn’t bad, though, for 750 very fancy labels and they’ll last for eons. I also have an order coming anytime now with clear ones with musical notes.

See, it does come and go. Right now the thought of having a kid makes me puke. I’ve been up all night, therefore, if I had one, I’d have to get up in a couple of hours and be up all day and night. It’s also great not having to worry about it screaming its head off when me and Tom are doing it. I’d just ignore it, although I’m sure that’d spoil our appetites.

I’ve got another fucking headache, now. So, time to go pop an Ibuprofen.

Later...

Thank God for Ibuprofen. If it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t be writing now. Or listening to music as I just did. Before that, though, I made a hamburger and did the dishes.

Tom will be getting up in half an hour if he isn’t up already. I heard him coughing just a second ago.

I shouldn’t have sent Bob so many stamped envelopes, but I had no idea he’d end up in jail. No one did. I think there are only 4 he never used, so that’s okay. Maybe April or someone will bring them to jail. Tom says that in time, Bob can get and send letters. He’ll have so much time on his hands that maybe he’ll write tons of letters. How he’ll afford stamps and what will become of his SS check, I don’t know.

He also may very well not have too much time on his hands. I think prison is a lot like Valleyhead was. They slave you doing this and that non-stop all day.

I wonder about April and the new 2-bedroom apartment they were supposed to share.

Tom’s up so I’ll continue from where I left off later.

Later...

Tom’s now working on sandwich #2.

I played him the tape of the pig squeaking.

I’m glad I don’t feel too tired. Hopefully, I can hold out longer. Long enough to go out and get some sun and color.

Yesterday I left Andy a message about Bob. He was as pissed as I am.

Well, I know Bob mentioned he was recently approved for Section 8 subsidy. I wonder if this means that if April stays there, she’ll have to pay full rent? I wonder if she could even afford to pay full rent. Most people find it awfully hard to pay for a 2-bedroom apartment at market rent, so I doubt she’ll stay there. That was, after all, their intention. To share the rent and bills.

I wonder who will go through his stuff? And what will they do with it? Where will it go? I can just imagine some character like my mom finding and playing all those tapes I sent. Although, unless Bob tells them, or whoever, what they are, no one will ever know. I used tapes of various artists and I never labeled them. This is cuz I wanted him to be surprised and not know what was on each tape till he played it through.

No shit! Only 43º now? I thought it was to hit between 76º - 78º today. We’ll just have to wait and see.

They just said on the radio that a thing called the Brady Bill is now in effect. This bill requires a 5-day wait for a background check on those buying guns. I thought this law had already existed for years. Guess it varies in different states.

Later...

I’m beginning to feel a bit sleepy now, but I’m sure I’ll soon get a second wind as I did yesterday.

I read Tom parts of this book earlier. He’s soon to be done with his shower and off to work.

I gotta go put my mail out.

Later...

Thank God we don’t live on the corner of the opposite side of the street about 5 houses down. There were 10-15 kids waiting for the school bus. They get dropped off on our corner, but they quickly scurry off to their houses. To be picked up, they stand around a while before the bus arrives and make lots of noise till the bus comes.

Later...

Tom just left for work.

I wonder if his address labels will arrive today. I think I mentioned it. I ordered him some as a surprise.

Now, I think I’ll go take my next journal and # the pages. Of course, I do it from the back of the book to the front of it. This way I always know how many pages I have left, regardless of where I am in the book.