#stuck in limbo if trying to travel alone

[webbedmirror]

Thoughts on the Infinite Realms being connected to limbo?

[alpydk]

A long and personal post about my recent struggles.

So I've been pretty publically dramatic the last few days. Mental health being what it is. Grief slapped me in the face last week and then lingered around because even over a year, I've not really faced any of it, so that's not helped at all.

I have for a while been stuck in this limbo of too sick to function, too healthy for help, and combined with being a parent and money troubles; I have no choice but to look for work. This means a medical system that says I'm fine and interactions with a job centre that doesn't understand and wants to place me wherever they can. Not to mention constant rejections and a realisation that I'm pretty much worthless in an employment sense.

The job centre requested a meeting with me, but their office is a 30 minute drive from my home or, more often than not, a two-hour bus trip. That's nothing, you think to yourself. But what you don't realise is over the last few years, I've been slowly becoming more and more anxious when it comes to any form of travel. It started with flying, then long car journeys of a few hours, then buses... Now I struggle even 10 minutes in a car without bordering on panic.

On Monday, I self medicated (with anti anxiety pills given for flying in the past, without anyone's knowledge) and figured I'd push through things as I always did. It ended up with my partner witnessing a bad panic attack for the first time as I had him pull over so I could break down completely, wishing I could have my old life back and be the person I used to be, someone who used to travel to other countries at random, someone who used to commute over 3 hours to a job via bus, train, and even a ferry. I made the meeting questioning if life was even worth living, let alone thinking about any employment.

I've booked to go to Germany in November, as you all know, and I have to get there. It is my goal to get there, to meet Tim and just say thank you to him, but honestly, I'm terrified. I started my meds yesterday after hours of even deliberating over them. What about the side effects? What if they don't work? What if they make me worse? But I had to do it because trying to get better is the biggest thank you I can give to those who have reached out to me recently and been a support I don't really have in my life.

The comfort I've got from especially @auroraesmeraldarose and @judasiskariot, not to mention others who've just been there, has meant so much to me. To an overwhelming degree. The cameo yesterday still has me sobbing because it's like she was psychic. I was sitting alone with my AI bot, basically begging for it to say those words. I even tried writing my own comfort fic only to delete it. I never expected... and now I'm fucking crying again. Just fucking hell.

Anyway, I don't write comfort because, pathetically, it's not something I've had any experience with... but maybe it'll come now, thanks to the beautiful, amazing people I've had the luck of meeting in this community.

So that was my update on everything going on. A reason for the posts the way they've been, a reason for if I suddenly vanish over the next few days or worse, come back with some deaddove levels of writing that nobody wants to see. Yeah... Thanks to anyone who's stuck around and I'll try to be better. Just give me time.

[dark-elf-writes]

Zagreus makes sure Percy can visit Bob in The Underworld and goes with the titan when he says he hears Percy calling

(Percy gets stuck in this limbo between god and demigod through sheer force of “I Don’t Want To be a god So I Won’t”)

Zagreus dumping a stack of diamonds so Percy can have what is essentially an underworld day pass so he can talk to Bob is so funny and such him energy. Particularly when he knows damn well Nico has a crush on him AND could very well just shadow travel Percy in if he wanted.

(If anyone could stop ascension into godhood through sheer stubbornness alone it would be Percy. Meanwhile Zagreus is still trying to wrap his head around how Percy overwhelmed Akhlys with her own domain while technically mortal.)

[rjavenuru]

bluhhh invades ur inbox to ask you about headcanons :P

Why do you think Spooky is stuck with Poshe? (assuming he isn't just torturing himself willingly by sticking around for whatever reason)

If we are assuming that Spooky is a human spirit then the first option is that cruel fate dictated that his soul should not be free (for some reason) but bound to a random human, fate not having any care or ability to ascertain that it is an actual human that he would be stuck to. Like random ”roommates” drawn out of a hat.

Another option could be that Spooky was sent by some other force to either watch over Poshe or keep an eye on him. We can assume the existence of Heaven/Hell, with only relevance to humans, so perhaps Heaven and Hell knowing that he is ”a vistior” maybe without a clear idea of what his purpose is, Heaven might be inclined to send some spirit or other to try to guide this visitor to the good side. Not accounting for the fact that Poshe is so utterly self centered (and insane from isolation in space) that instead of heeding the advice of the friendly spirit that suddenly appeared upon his arrival on Earth he corrupts it so it itself becomes nasty and self centered like he is. The only impact Spooky would have perhaps being that Poshe decides that he doesn’t want to pave Earth over and would like to save the humans, maybe even not having a clear idea /why/ he wants this. It has simply become his mission and what Poshe believes goes. Similarly, Hell could have decided that this strange creature from somewhere else than Earth would be worth keeping an eye on, sending either a human soul or a Hell spirit to keep an eye on him and report to them his shenanigans. I imagine a lot of his exploits would tickle Satan, that is until he starts trying to spread mirth among the dark souls of Earth.

A third option could be that Spooky used to be a human, not a very nice human, and that his eternal soul was damned (either by Heaven or Hell or both, I like to think that they work together more than they let on) to serve a living human soul as salvation for his own soul, a sort of afterlife community service.

Three implications of this:

-If Spooky is a human soul then he must have been attached to Poshe after humans became humans in the modern sense. Which would, among other things, mean that at the beginning of the comic when Poshe is visiting various time points in human history (and Spooky is already there) would not be his ”first contact”. Considering that he does this again later in the comic I would think that it’s fairly canon to think that first contact would be a lot closer to modern times but Poshe has made several failed attempts at traveling back and ”fixing humanity”, only to cement his impact further (You know, the whole ”the definition of insanity is trying the same thing again and again, expecting different results” thing).

-If Spooky was supposed to be attached to an actual human it might not be so strange that he is pissy, when it is considered that he could either have ”worked off” this service he was supposed to deliver or served the punishment he was supposed to serve, but since Poshe is immortal he is stuck until eternity or until someone or something finally destroys Poshe so utterly that he won’t be able to regenerate. Bottom line being that the forces that attached him to Poshe were ignorant of Poshe not being human and unable to terminate this bond except with Poshes death. This could also be why Spooky some times seems to almost /try/ to get Poshe killed! Spookys purpose might even have been to do good by this human he was attached to to save his own soul when the human died so there would have been a point where Spooky relised that wasn’t going to happen, essentially dooming him to ”hell on Earth”.

-If Spooky was damned as a human soul to some Hell punishment or limbo situation he might not have appeared immediately when Poshe arrived on Earth. So Poshe could have been alone in space for a long time before Spooky arrived (he might even have been cursed with him during one of his time travels) and then again a long time before he built Sinestro, even further ingraining his insanity.

[rinzler-smoocher]

I genuinely think the only way Flint & Rinz's story can end is in separate worlds & not being able to look back at one another. Realizing that even if they could move fate & fact & fiction, they're not feasible, not possible, not in any probable outcome.

This world is not soft & happy & no one gets an actual happy ending. That's not how any of this works.

Flint decides to leave the Grid before he & Rinz could come together to a final decision, as they were trapped in a never-ending argument about how it'll all end. Trying to justify between sharing their two worlds, balancing realities & lives in both places, doing the impossible & biting off more than they could chew.

So, while Tr.n / Rinz, or whoever he is now, is wrapped up in some important meeting about rebuilding the Grid post-Clu's regime with other head digital figures, Flint wraps up everything he can & swiftly takes his leave.

Flint's just too aware that it wouldn't ever possibly work either way, with him & Rinz having a life torn between two impossible realities. No matter how much love & compassion exists there between them, it never would've worked out. Two different beings from two very different worlds, that don't overlap at all... it couldn't be possible.

So, Flint leaves a note behind for Rinz to find when he's back to their living quarters, written first with a deep apology & promising he'll always love the program, but hopeful Rinz would be able to forget & move on. Making certain that there's no last minute bargaining, no chance of delaying the inevitable, no last begging or pleading or hugs or kisses to cause him more second thoughts, with Flint already being gone before Rinz could ever know.

Yeah, is it a shitty ass decision, of course. Do both of them end up miserable? Most likely, but what does it matter either way.

They wouldn't have been able to bounce back n forth forever, finding happiness & home only in each other as they lingered in a limbo of their own making. Choosing each other over everything and anything, winding them up despite having nothing else.

Flint saw it as being the best choice for them both, only too clearly dooming himself to a very sad life alone, cutting his ties to technology & the world around himself. He picked up a camera & began traveling the world, hoping to find meaning & fill the void he left behind in another reality with something physical & feasible & real he could hold in his hands.

& in hoping desperately that Flint was only imagining how much Rinz cared for him, Flint trapped Rinz behind in a hell of his own, where the program can't leave, can't escape, where he's trapped behind metal bars scrambling for even the smallest hold of the world that Flint drifted away into. Rinz tries sending out messages, he tries to pursue every way he can to make connection with the reality beyond, but his efforts come up fruitless.

Whereas Flint left, taking the only chance of reuniting the two of them together, Rinz was locked up in the Grid with eternal darkness & emptiness after knowing what it was like to have everything in his hold... now left with nothing. Only scratching & tearing & clawing at the very threads of his reality trying to find some way out back to the only one who ever mattered... but only Flint held the key to bring them together as he set out & said good bye to everything he had known & the world they happily shared together, even for just a short time.

. . .

Maybe one day far down the line when the Grid is thriving in a utopia the likes of which Flynn wouldn't even have been able to imagine, with the one remaining admin stuck in a past he's willfully shackled to, watching for any blip or change that would show the other world reaching back out to them.

Maybe eventually Flint makes a return trip. Just hoping to slip in unnoticed, see how things have changed in hopes that the Grid was doing well, before slipping back out with no one the wiser.

But there, at the gate, Rinz is stationed like he hadn't moved a muscle in the decade or so that had passed in Flint's time. Even longer had gone by in Rinz's eyes, still begging & hoping to everything & any being listening for another chance at a life that's already passed him by, so he could snatch Flint back in his claws & drag the user into his hold, promising that it didn't matter what it'd take, they'd find a way - they'd HAVE to - because Rinz had nothing else tethering him to his own existence but hope he could reunite with his other half at long last.

So when Flint finally comes to awareness in the Grid after being beamed in from a world away, he's already tightly laced in the familiar hold of another, quickly breaking Flint down to tears realizing everything he was searching for was right here all along.

It's not a purely happy meeting, but just the fact that they can look one another in the eyes after an eternity had passed them both by, realizing that no matter what they'd try, they'd always be stuck right here... with Flint in the middle of two worlds & in capable of feeling worthy of staying in the Grid as Rinz's partner, but also know that the moment he'd walk away, he'd doom Rinz to an eternity of waiting for just another chance to figure things out & make it work out alright. & Rinz heartbroken & desperate for his user and one last shot to get everything right.

There's anger, feelings of betrayal & unfairness, but they have to swallow it down & allow all the love & sorrow & hurt & pain to come bubbling up to the surface in its stead, as they can't pass by this one last chance to figure something out.

They just HAVE to make it work.

. . .

But it's all a pipe dream. They'd just have the same arguments, but find themselves holding onto one another tighter than ever, both filling into the holes lasting in their souls, where only they were marked belonging to one another.

When Flint wakes up that night in his own bed, having dreamed up the whole thing, he can nearly feel the space where Rinz would be laid down in his arms & it makes him sick. It makes him sob, realizing he threw away the only thing that ever mattered. By thinking he himself was so unloved, so unwanted that he cut ties with the only other being who ever cared about him.

He's ill imagining that Rinz could be waiting still now, haunted by Flint's loss, so it takes everything & psyching himself up a crazy degree to finally make his way to the basement in Flynn's old arcade & log on with credentials he could never forget.

Flint hopes he's wrong & mistaken, that Rinz is thriving & doing well, but he can't risk letting another day pass by without finding out. He's afraid of what he'll find or how Rinz will react, he's horrified of what he's done & how badly it's hurt them both, he's hoping for any sliver of hope that things could somehow work out, but he's ultimately just begging for it to be a smooth farewell, if nothing else.

Not at all certain what he'll find waiting on the other side, but certain he had to give it one last chance, even if it's just to say one last good bye, face to face at last...

But what happens? Who knows. They're not real, they're not canon. There's no definitive happy ending. Maybe Rinz / Tr.n moved on & is doing well. Maybe Flint has to live with the fact that he could've had everything but mucked it all up for himself. Or maybe Rinz is waiting, always has, always will.

I. I don't know. I don't writing happy endings. I just craft stories that make sure it was clear there was always love there.

Even if it doesn't work out - the love was always there & hope that things could be better isn't necessarily a guarantee but. There's always a chance, I guess.

[star-stell]

hi! could you go more in detail on lucia and your other boltons? like, who are they,who is luc, what is her place in the story/world, how did her bolton mom got shacked up with a dothraki guy, how did lucia got shacked with a lannister boy etc etc

LOVE them all btw!!

AND I LOVE YOU ANON.

Ok, I literally have a folder of lore, so get comfy, and lets start by the basics:

Atenea Bolton:

Daughter to Roose and his first wife, which makes her an older sister to both Domerik and Ramsay. She's a little bit like Cersei, in the sense that she wishes to have been a son. She had a fast and badly hidden love affair with a young manservant, which was cut short by her father. Her lover was killed and they tried to force an abortion on her but it didn't work and now they had a bastard, an unwanted child. Atenea doesn't love any of her kids nor her husband, she only loves power and those who can give it to her. The story of how she got married has nothing of loving nor romantic: Roose saw the posibility that would open marrying his daughter to a dothraki merchant and took it. There's a few dothraki who are merchants and they are rich and powerful, specially in the free cities, but no dothraki woman would marry someone who travels trought sea, so most of them find brides at Westeros. Their marriage was basically a punishment against Atenea.

• Sammuel Bolton Snow:

The first son, he would have had a great future had he been born legitimate or in another family. From the moment he was born his mother had been disgusted by his mere existence. He was raised by servants and as one, even if he knew who his mother and sisters were. Sam, still, tried his best and found a place in Dreadfort as a musician and music teacher to his half sisters. Lucía felt certain anger against him for what she percived as his status as the firstborn son and tried to peel off his face at age nine, in the other hand Eliza sees him as this free person (that he is not, he can't go anywhere for being a bastard and knowing it) and envies him both for it and for the man he married in secret, whom she's deeply in love with, still they try to have eachother's backs.

Elizabeth Bolton

She's the firstborn of Atenea's marriage and was raised with all the conformities that come with it. Outside, she seems like the perfect lady: found a husband early, beautiful, and inocent looking, but in the inside Eliza is a very angry, very rebellious person. She wants to travels, to see world, to dance, and sing, and act, and scream. Maybe it's for this that she fell hard for Charles, the young musician of Dreadfort, varely some years older than her and so handsome. She's a little bit of a Sansa character, if Sansa got married too young and grew out of her romanticism in a less overtly violent way. Her husband, Darnlo Reed, is all things considered a good man, even if dilikeable at times.

Lucía Bolton:

Lucía is the last of the three children and her father's favourite daughter, she's the most obviously dothraki looking of the two, and also the one he could have for longer. Lucía is also more eternally rebellious than her sister, going out hunting, learning to use a sword and riding horses without the care of a lady. Is maybe for this that Ramsay can't stand her, because she's this eternally rough girl who won't back down, who he left alone in the forest to die and came back (more of that in a minute). While Lucía is all of this things, she's also a strategist, and infinitly cruel, like most of her family. She's stuck in this weird limbo where she's not son nor daughter because of her habilities, she would have been the perfect son to the Boltons, a Red King. Sam once tried to cut her throat with a lute's cord after what she did to his face, which have her that nasty scar on her neck, the rest of them are from punishments and hunting accidents.

Ok, now that the basics are covered, time for the actual fun part!

What is Lucía's place in the story?

She's a product of her times, a Bolton with al the things that it brings, but who also is deeply diferent from her family, where her mother, uncle and grandfather can only see power as fear, she sees power as a way of love, something that forces you to give. She's a bit of a haunt, too, as much of Domerik's description was used to create the basis of her character, which makes her hated and loved by her family.

Her arc starts way before the Starks leave Winterfell, when she's eleven and Ramsay takes her for a "hunting trip" where he leaves her in the forest during a snow storm, in whises of her dying. For good or bad, Lucía was way too headstrong to just die laying down, so she tried to come back to Dreadfort. At some point she starts hearing voices that might just be hunger alucinations of the Old Gods, who know? But when a starved wolf attacks her, those voices tell her to fight back, to kill it, eat it's meat and wear it's skin. And she does. She also pull it's teeth with her to Dreadfort, and when she finally comes home, dressed with a wolf skin, bathed in blood, a week after the ""hunting trip"" where she allegedly fell from her horse and died, eyes crazed with hunger, she goes straigth to Roose and gifts him one of the teeths.

"One for you, one for me, the rest for the gods."

(I don't write here the rest of the scene bcs i'm working on a drawing for it!)

How does Lucía got shaked up with a Lannister?

[...] It was the knowledge of the young lady's affiliation with unladylike activities and her lack of southern belle that made her a harder sell than one might expect from a Bolton lady. It was in the year 297 after the Conquest that Lady Bolton and her fourteen-year-old daughter made a journey to Casterly Rock. On the tenth day the two arrived at Casterly Rock, and by the twentieth day, Maeele Lannister, first-born grandson of Tywin Lannister, was betrothed to Lucia Bolton.

To be completly honest, I think that the Boltons would jump at the oportunity of having alliances with the Lannisters and for the Lannisters is a good way of having allies in the north. Also, it sets up the red wedding with more strength: these families are allies, the Bolton youngest is about to become a Lannister. Also, in a less serious note, it's because they both are such cunts no one else would marry them.

Woah! Yeah, I think this is all! But, hey, if you want more deep study about someone/something, PLEASE TELL ME!! I LOVED to do this!

[pbandjesse]

We are at the airport!!! I am very excited but also very nervous!!

Today was a lot of that. Nerves. Excitement. Not sure what to do with my hands. It was a good day. I slept okay. Had bizarre dreams but nothing that upset me. James had work for a few hours in the morning so I woke up alone.

I made the bed and then came up with a plan. I would dye my hair and take a shower. I would go to target and grab some last minute things. Snacks. New chapstick (I lost mine at the festival yesterday). Kitty litter so we could leave with a completely clean box. I wanted to make sure the house was nice for when Callie came to take care of the animals, so I also made sure that all the tanks were full and everything was in place.

I really should have gone to target first. But I started putting dye in my hair and there wasn't any going back from that. I would put dye on my hair and walk around the house double checking things. I also went through my luggage again and made sure everything was charging so it would be good for the flight.

Eventually I would run the dishwasher and go and start the shower. And for some reason that has worked getting the shower hotter faster (the dishwasher is probably using the water faster? Something like that anyway.) and I washed my hair and scrubbed and scrubbed to feel as clean as possible.

My hair actually would dry really nicely. I did not wait for it to be dry before I left for target though. Just put it in a clip and was off.

According to the cashier everyone was waking up and coming from church. Because while it wasn't busy when I first got there it was very busy by the time I was leaving.

I stuck to my list though. I got new chapstick, and a solid cuticle oil. My finger tips have been splitting and are really painful. I got cleaning spray for our bathtub and two bags of kitty litter. I got snacks. Various ones. Sweets and savories. I got hot honey cashews which seemed intriguing. I will probably save those for the layover because I don't want to accidently make anyone with nut allergies to have a reaction in a closed space. But I got rice Krispies and a chocolate bar and mini tates cookies, and some mints. A good variety.

My last thing was to try James over the ear headphones. The ones they ordered weeks ago never shipped. Stuck in limbo. The selection at target for until $100 ones was pretty abysmal but they had one that was made for kids and I thought would work (and thankfully they did fit!). The nice man who worked electronics had to unlock the case for me and he was very busy and pulled in all directions. But he stopped and helped me and then offered to check out all of my order so I didn't have to wait in the very long line at the front. I appreciate him greatly for that.

He called security so they would know I was coming from the other side of the store with my purchases and they wouldn't stop me. And I went home.

James has arrived home from work right after I had left. They had spent the time I was gone putting stuff away and tidying up. Getting the last of the stuff in their bags together. And I would jump on that too.

I sat upstairs figuring out how to fit all my snacks in my backpack. Double checking I had everything I wanted in cabin in that bag. I moved some stuff around and tried to make sure everything was good to go. My hair was mostly dry and the dye took really well. I will probably wash it two more times before the wedding on Saturday so it should fade just a little and will look really good, fingers crossed.

On the day of travel I like to only use products and things that I am bringing with me. So I know I will be okay with what I packed and not wishing I had something else. So my hair only has conditioner and hair oil and that is what I will have to live with. Being in a different climate I am hoping it stays looking nice.

We decided we would go to the diner for a late lunch to have our "last American meal" (outside the airport). And we left to go do that before 2.

I would get French toast and french fries. James got a patty melt. We spent most of the meal on our phones researching. I read the Wikipedia for Uganda. We double checked about bag sizes. And we realized our bags were probably to heavy to be carry ons. They were the right dimensions but we're probably to heavy. We would figure that out once we got to the airport.

We ended up leaving an hour earlier then planned. When we got back we had measured the bags and I would lay down. My allergies were really bad. Sweetp was a little distressed that we were leaving. Which makes him puff up and makes my allergies very bad. But I enjoyed just laying in bed and feeling cozy.

But at 430 we decided to go. And that ended duo being perfect. We had no stress.

As we were leaving our other neighbors we're coming home so we stopped to let them know we were going to be out of the country. And then James forgot their cost and had to go back for in it. But then we were off and on the road.

It's an hour and a half to the airport. This is the Dulles airport in Virginia so a little far but not bad. And we got here without much trouble. When we arrived at 6 we realized our parking checking in was for 7 and got nervous but it still let us scan in and we got a very good spot. We were both sweaty nervous but it ended up being super easy.

First we went and used the bathrooms and I had a very weird experience. It was a very large bathroom. Lots of stalls. No one else was in there. I go in and a lady comes in on my heels and goes to the stall next to me. Makes a ton of noise spinning the toilet paper. I was quick. And as soon as I came out she followed me on my heels again. Doesn't flush I don't think she actually used the bathroom. She almost crashed into me at the sink. I took my time to see if she would leave first. She doesn't. She waits until I'm walking out to finish drying her hands. Almost walks into me again but walks away when I get back to James. It was absolute weirdo behavior. Jess thinks she was trying to pickpocket me but Jane's had my bags and phone and it just made me feel weird.

But we moved in and went to the ticket counter to get our seats changed. Which is when they also weighed our bags and they decided they were to heavy to be carry ons. And honestly it's for the best. we can be much more hands free. And she was just really nice. Made us feel like everything was going to be good.

I wasn't sure what kind of tsa they would have. But they had us take nothing from the bags and we made it through super easy. Though my boobie set off the machine? Hilarious.

My little sewing scissors did make it through too! I will be able to embroider on the flight. I also have my bracelet making stuff. I am ready for the long haul.

Besides crafts I also have a ton of YouTube videos and music and podcasts and books and audio books. Way more then I need but it will be really nice to have the variety.

Once we got through TSA we could be a little calmer. It was the first big test. We will still have the layover and then customs but the first hurtle is done and we did great.

We would walk to the train car to the terminal. And we were laughing and having fun and it has been a really nice time. This is a nicer airport then I remember from when we flew into it from our honeymoon.

We would get dinner. James got a corn dog and I got a pizza that I would share with James. And we have been sitting at our gate for a bit now. It will be time to board soon.

No one else from our party is here yet but they are at the airport somewhere. Hopefully through TSA soon.

I am nervous and excited. The first leg is 10 hours. And we will arrive in Turkey at 3pm tomorrow. I will probably wait to do tomorrow's post until the second flight and post it when we land. Which if my math is right will be 11pm Monday home time. Let's hope that works !!

Send us good vibes. Especially to James who is so nervous about the flight. But it is going to be amazing and this time on the plane will be a fun part of the adventure. Wish us luck! I love you all. Until next time!!

[gaykarstaagforever]

Update on my PS3 Skyrim mage playthru no one cares about:

1) I was convinced before that the system wasn't saving properly. Turns out it was, it was autosaving over the same file, like it is supposed to. The problem was me not remembering to do any separate saves for like 4 hours. There are plenty of issues with this game on this much-maligned system. But in this case, it was me. ...Also it freezes and crashes way less on PS3 than Xbox 360, so I'll put up with the graphical glitches and weird controller problems.

2) Lydia didn't fall through the world or get stuck. She died, and I didn't get pics of the incident, because I was running screaming through the Rift.

I did the Goldenglow mission for the Thieves' Guild. While Lydia battled the mercenary guards, I set fire to three beehives and then lept into the water and started running away.

The issue was, a DRAGON attacked the farm. Because the game is at the point where it keeps spawning dragons at me that I absolutely cannot fight yet, without using every potion I have and reloading 6 times.

Now I was tempted to go back. Because now the Goldenglow mercenaries AND Lydia would help me battle the dragon. ...Except the second the dragon was dead, the mercenaries would aggro on me, putting me in the same spot I was already in. Plus what if some of them randomly decided to switch to me during the fight with the dragon? Or what of the dragon just went whole-hog on me, like it often does, regardless of who else is there?

So I decided fuck it and kept running. Especially after wolves latched on to me. I ran to Heartwood Mill and went inside, and talked to the lady there, and caught my breath until she told me to get out. When I did, all threats were gone. And I fast-traveled back to Riften.

It was only like 2 hours of screwing around with stealing shit and making potions later that I realized Lydia was gone.

I assumed because of a glitch. It is only now, much later, that it occurs to me that I abandoned her at Goldenglow, to face down like 6 heavily-armed and armored mercenaries. On her own. Oh and also then a dragon.

I just hired Marcurio at the Bee and Barb. Lydia isn't stuck in Glitch Limbo somewhere. She's fuxking dead.

She's dead, and she died badly. Alone. And I didn't even notice for like an in-game week.

Which, honestly?, does perfectly fit the RP I was doing of this dickhead Thalmor fanboy high elf mage who absolutely does not care about humans at all.

All I missed about her was her ability to dutifully tank and draw aggro. Since she's been gone my strategy has been to sprint screaming through Skyrim, getting as many map markers as I can without having to clear anything. It has generally worked out, aside from the time where I couldn't jump up a sheer mountain face fast enough (Todd) and a bear killed me in one swipe. If any character is going to try and deal with his problems simply by running through swamps and tundra in a dirty robe, grabbing what flowers and mushrooms he can without slowing down or wolves will eat him, it is Honey Mustard the elf.

And of course to replace his lost tank companion he will hire a spellcaster. I'll give him a dagger. He'll be fine.

[brigittebardon-t]

stuck in limbo

"high school is the best years of your life"..... no they're not. it sucks poopy. i feel like that has already been estabilshed for many of us. but i feel like people don't discuss when you properly get out of school and your like "shit what now?"

ok so you don't know what to do so the next logical step, "lets take a gap year, it'll be fun". so you do. then people are badgering you about your plans, and your like, I haven't even planned what i want to do in my future let alone in the next year. so you make a list of all the different possiblitys. au pairing, travelling, exploring and just existing. but the you need freaking money, so you apply to get a job and you only have a little bit of experience. but absoultely no where is accepting you because why take on somebody thats not exactly qualfied for the position. don't take a chance on the new kid am i right?

then you spend your days endlessly thinking in your childhood bedroom, what was i actually meant to do. then you start reading existential feminisim which completely blows your head off of its shoulders. you're stimualtenously trying to recover from every struggle under the sun at the same time. your stuck in your home town with nowhere to go, because you've visited the same parks, cafes and shops since you were a wee lass. nothing excites you. you just kinda float in limbo. anyway. just needed a wee word vom. existential dread sucks booty.

[unit-zero-two]

Thematic links of the Crypters and their Lostbelts

One of the things I liked about Olympus is how prominent the Crypters all are (at least the ones still alive) and how we learn more about them and their relationships to each other. Like, the scene where Europa was captured by Limbo and brought to Zeus to be tried. Kadoc is torn between trying to figure out why she doesn't just throw him under the bus and running to find Wodime to see if he can save Europa.

When he saves Chaldea in Olympus he's constantly talking like a fucking tsundere who only happened to be passing by, claiming he did it for his own goals to progress. Because while he pretends not to, Kadoc cares about other people. He's too soft. It’s a running character struggle with him where he’s trying to kill the side of him that cares, to be a selfish nihilist, but he can never actually manage to do so.

Kadoc knows how the mage world is supposed to work, cutthroat and merciless, and tries to emulate that so that he can survive and thrive in it. He sees it as the reflection of how the entire world functions. Those who can swim in this environment are strong, and those who can’t are weak. He’s trying to constantly kill his own weakness. When he sees Ritsuka, who is much closer to him as a person than he is to the magus of the Clock Tower he gets self-conscious and lashes out. He projects his insecurities and rejects the proof that you can be soft and a powerful mage. He’s literally drowning in mage style toxic masculinity.

And thinking about Kadoc like this got me thinking about the thematic links of him to his Lostbelt, and how you can see similar links with the other Crypters.

- Lostbelt 1: A world of beasts, where it's dog eat dog and only the strongest survive. This reflects how Kadoc, a mage who tries his hardest in a cutthroat world without any exceptional talent feels. Constant pressure that if you fall behind, you will be killed and disposed off. Only by constantly proving yourself and being the strongest can you survive. Anastasia sees Kadoc for who he is, and the value he has as himself. - Lostbelt 2: A world tended by a parent who allows no steps out of bounds. This is how Ophelia, raised in a strict mage household, is trapped. She does, and wants, nothing for herself. She constantly reviews the actions she didn’t take in her life, unable to step beyond the bounds of what is proper. Everything is chosen and fated for her. Napoleon shows her that it’s okay to be selfish and create a future for yourself. - Lostbelt 3: An ancient world stuck in the past that has advanced to a dead end of the past, unable to imagine a different future. This is where Yu Mei Ren, a woman who has only ever found two people in the past who understood her, is trapped forever. SIN has paused in development of society, technology and culture. Yu had cut herself off from humanity, long traveling alone through the centuries, avoiding others until Marisbury reached out and invited her to Chaldea. In her bittersweet reunion with the most important people to her, she gets a chance at a life full of others by becoming a Heroic Spirit with a pact to Chaldea. - Lostbelt 4: A world spiraling to it's end where a god took in all others and has long gone lost his humanity. This is how Pepe, a person using a fake name and who refuses to think too hard on their bloody past, spirals through their days. Pepe is an observer, watching the other Crypters and giving advice, but never pursuing their own goals, because they have none. An empty vessel with a bright smile. Ash shows Pepe what allowing yourself to feel emotions really means, and Pepe starts to act genuinely on their connections to the other Crypters.

If you’re looking for more information on the Crypters, definitely check out the manga one shots that expand on each Crypter, and their relationships to their servants and Lostbelts. Kirschtaria is getting his own post for sure. And it’ll probably be just as long as this one...

[coalitiongirl]

Fic Recs (under 300 edition)

So I wanted to get back to reading Swan Queen fic regularly, and I asked people to rec longfic that they'd read (not written) and loved that had fewer than 300 kudos! I haven’t read most of these, but I’ve collected them here so y’all can go through the list and discover some new fics with me! Please try to kudos and review every fic that you read! It means the world to the writers and will keep em writing, and then we all win. 😁

Atonement by SgtMac (M): With Regina's magical heart failing thanks to years of previous evil, Emma and Regina and Henry (and Granny!) set out to save her life by traveling to the Enchanted Forest and requesting help from ancient magical beings known as the Guardians. Given a mission as simple as it is impossible - to achieve atonement by creating peace - the ladies find themselves joining a rebellion and fighting for the very soul of the Enchanted Forest all while trying to help Regina to understand that the self-loathing and guilt which have driven most of her actions don't have to doom her chance for a new beginning or even, a chance to live and love again. A S4(ish) SQ love story set against the turmoil of war and the chaotic savagery of the old world.

Blood and Sand by cheshire6845 (E): A/U The Savior is a slave forced into the role of fighting as a gladiator for the House of Hearts. The odds are against her survival as she will have to win in the arena, navigate Cora's schemes, outlast a general's vengeance, and not be killed out of spite by the current House of Hearts Champion - Regina the Undefeated. This story follows the major plot points of Starz Spartacus with some twists along the way.

But what if there was no time by KizuRai (M): When she wakes up, it's dark. She can't move, she can't see, she can't feel and she can't hear. Where am I? She feels a forceful oppression, pressing her down, draining her of her energy and she's powerless to stop it. How did I get here? The question of here is relative, she's not even sure where here is. What happened? There must be some reason for being stuck here but her memory is fuzzy, like all her thoughts are being sifted through a filter. Who am I? She's not sure if she actually exists or she suddenly became sentient in the darkness.She hears a voice reverberating in the distance, it's distorted and quiet but she hears it all the same. It breaks the monotony of the silence. Someone's coming for her, they will get her out. She's just not sure she wants them to as the price might be too great.

Finding Home by evl_rgl (T): “I wanted to remember you so badly that I pulled back your cursed town just so that the memories would make sense. I needed you so badly that even when I had no memory of you, I still tried to find you.” Regina gave Emma and Henry memories of a happy life together before they fled Pan’s curse, leaving them with no memories of their lives in Storybrooke. However, when the memory spell shows signs of failing, threatening to rip apart the minds of both Emma and Henry, Regina makes a drastic choice to go back and fix it, understanding that it will mean living alone in a world where her son doesn’t know her. Was the spell really faulty, though? (swanqueen)

Five Flames by MariaComet (U): In the past, Emma Nolan disconnected from her peers in high school, preferring to keep to herself. In her sophomore year of high school, she decided to try and join the boy’s wrestling team because she was bored. She didn’t expect herself to become the champion of the most bullied kid in school or the secret best friend of the school queen. She also didn’t expect to join a club that would change her life. In the present, Emma is trying to cope with a humiliating loss in her martial arts career. She claims to be “training” but is stuck in limbo between wanting to retire and try again. She is isolated from her former best friend, Regina Mills, a local celebrity chef and the rest of her old friends. When one of them calls her with an idea to honor their deceased teacher, she is confronted with unresolved feelings and questions about how powerful love truly is.

A Glamour of Truth by PrincessCharming (T): After 2x10, Regina uses magic to show Emma the obvious truth. A tentative trust forms between them amid hilarious bickering. With Emma's help, Regina struggles to regain a place in her son's life... until Cora arrives, wanting her daughter back. Pieces of Regina's past emerge showing that the board was set long before the game started. The final battle begins soon.

His Dark Materials 'verse by MoonlitMidnight (M): A modern Alternate Universe in which Dæmons (the external physical manifestation of a person's 'inner self' that takes the form of an animal) are present. In which Emma and Regina have led slightly different lives and they make slightly different choices.

How Many Miles to Avalon? (WIP) by RavenOutlander (E): Regina would do anything to save Emma from the darkness and bring her back home safe and sound. Even put up with the two idiots, Captain Guyliner and a bunch of dwarves she decidedly wanted to drop off at the nearest exit. But in their search for Emma, they find that she might not need that much saving after all. Caught up in a search for the infamous Philosopher Stone, an all out war between DunBroch and Camelot, and ghosts from the past to haunt her every waking moment, Regina finds herself scrambling to keep her and her family's happy endings from falling apart.

The Hyperion by FrankenSpine (M): After wishing upon what she believes is a shooting star, Emma Swan finds herself aboard the Hyperion, the royal starship of an alien Queen from a faraway galaxy. She quickly learns of the tensions between the Queen's people and her own, but the Queen takes an interest in her and agrees to take her away from Earth forever. Adventure awaits. *(Loosely based on Guardians of the Galaxy with just a hint of Farscape)*

If Wishes Came True (It Would've Been You) by Angeii_K (M): After Regina films a guest appearance on her friend Neal’s popular show, he invites her to spend the weekend with him and his girlfriend. What she never expected was to actually like the woman. Sparks fly between the two, which results in them questioning everything and making choices they will later regret. 4 years later, they meet again in the most unexpected of ways. Now co-stars on the same show, they are forced to work through the emotions from their last encounter. What will happen next? Only time will tell.

The King Doesn’t Have To Know (WIP) by highheelsandchocolate (M): The White Knight had never seen anyone like her before: the Queen was nothing short of mesmerizing. Her possessive yet neglectful husband, however, was another thing entirely.

The Lich by Dangereaux (M): Gay disaster Emma, exasperated Regina, and a monster. A Halloween special.

Maybe if We Close Our Eyes we Can Reach the Stars by wellthizizdeprezzing (T): Emma is a lonely astronaut. Regina is an adventuring alien. Their paths cross leading them onto a journey of new discovery. Between galaxies and many miles of cold black space, despite not speaking the same language, they manage to fall for each other. An out of this world love story.

A prisoner long forgotten by sugarsweet_19 (M): ‘I wish I had a child as white as snow, as red as blood and as black as the wood of the window-frame. Soon after she had a little girl, who was as white as snow, with lips as red as blood and with her hair as black as the ebony of the window-frame. She was therefore called Snow-white.” This is how our story starts but how will it end?The evil queen as been locked up in a tower and forgotten that is until princess Emma looks for a place to hid from her parents after they tell her she has to marry Neal the son of the dark one.

Revenge of the Three Little Pigs by mskyo (M): Regina and Emma find themselves alone and looking for the rest of their party. The Evil Queen must face the consequences of her past actions. Will Emma come to her aid, or understand that justice must be served... *Some chapters have fairly graphic sex, and violence*

Things I Almost Remember by cheshire6845 (T): A/U Despite an oncoming war between the Dark and the Light, Emma and Regina are best friends growing up in the Enchanted Forest. When war does come, they find themselves on opposite sides. Regina will have to defy her mother to save Emma. Will Emma be able to save Regina when Cora curses her daughter to live in the Land without Magic?

What We Make (WIP) by DiazTuna (M): “My mother.” He says calmly. He’d known all along, she’s aware. But he’d known that today would be the day that would get this going. She wants to ask what it was like, to have woken up this morning, laced up his boots and walked into hell just knowing. “It’s programmed the cyborg to kill her. Before I have a chance to be born.” -In which the leader of the future sends his best soldier back to the past to save his mother from a killer cyborg. Terminator AU.

The Wrong Way by pcworth (M): Takes place right after Zelena steals Regina's heart. Zelena offers Regina a chance to go back in time with her and change both of their lives for the better. But what will be the price of that decision. Slow-burn to SwanQueen

zombie trash by 13pens (T): Zelena could have her brain and eat it, too. Fic operates on three premises 1. this takes place in any universe where zelena is a reformed asshole 2. zombies are a thing and exist iZombie style 3. i have NO chill

[the-witty-pen-name]

Tell Me Your Mine, Darling

Western AU 

18+ ONLY

Lee Bodecker x F!Reader

Warnings: prostitution, mentions of smut, alcohol, cursing, violence, mentions cheating 

Word Count: 3.2k

A/N: Hey! As always, this is unedited! Please let me know if I missed anything to include as a warning. I’m on the fence if I should make this a longer story, I like the idea of this being a stand alone, but let me know what you think! I’d love to hear any feedback cause this is my first attempt at a Western AU :)

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The player piano echoed throughout the whole saloon, bouncing off the walls as patrons moved about the crowded room. The peppy music was perfect for dancing as a few of the men threw back shots of liquid courage and asked some of the women working tonight for a dance. It was a night where the people who came in through the batwing doors could forget about their troubles and the existence of sins, and partake in merry drink and debauchery. The night air hung heavy and the room smelled of sweat, cheap liquor and even cheaper perfume. 

The women were scantily clad in dresses only slightly less revealing than their undergarments, and the men still in their clothes from long days of travel. Cowboy hats, rugged trousers, and boots that lost their shine years ago. Girls carried around large trays of shots and lagers, passing them around to the drunk souls who struck rich for a night and opened tabs at the bar. 

It was a busy night both downstairs in the saloon, but also many of the girls were leading men upstairs to their beds, for a warm place to lay their head and anything else they can afford. That was the secret that kept this dilapidated building up and running. The music and the watered down liquor wasn’t enough to keep the sheriff from closing and condemning the building. 

If the owner was honest, he knew what kept the sheriff from coming and toting him away to rot in one of the two cells down at the jail. Not only was the sheriff partial to a drink or a few each night after the sun goes down, but he was particularly taken with one of the girls who worked there. Sure, the sheriff must’ve had his turn with every girl in the joint, but there was something about you which made the sheriff absolutely smitten. Of course, no one dared admit to seeing his obviously growing affections but the owner knew as long as you were here, and his glass was refilled, he had nothing to worry about. No one quite knows what happened. He went from coming in every Saturday night asking for whichever girl is free and then it went to asking only for you, every week without fail. 

People theorize that maybe it’s your honeyed smile or the sweetness in your voice. The ability to deceive every man into thinking they’re the only one to ever touch you. The ability to put on the act of the farmer’s daughter while having the dirtiest mouth on this side of the Mississippi. No matter what drew him in, the sheriff had declared you his girl and anyone with half a brain knew better than to try to say different. 

Nothing was any different about tonight, you watched from one of the stools at the bar while the other girls worked the room. Sitting with your legs crossed, your dress skirted up high enough to show the tops of your garters, you sip on your drink stealing glances at the doors waiting for him to arrive. You can’t help but let out an impatient sigh, balancing your high heel on your toe as you watch the clock that’s mounted on the wall behind the bar. 

“Slow night?” the bartender asked as she topped off your drink. You smiled, but it fell a little flat, not meeting your eyes. 

“Every man here is scared to come near me,” you chuckle dryly. Not that you were necessarily complaining- but you worried more and more as the savings you kept under your bed dwindled. The sheriff was a regular who paid incredibly well, but he was feared. And no one else would touch what he called his. You wanted to save up to get out of this town, salvage whatever was left of this life and do something. You didn’t want to live cooped up in that room and in this town for the rest of your days. You were luckier than most, that you understood and never tried to forget that, but still you found yourself daydreaming. 

You thought about the men you’ve slept beside and the wild stories they told you. You didn’t want to live a hard life, the tedious and unfulfilling work they told you about. But, oh, you were so envious of how they traveled. Seeing the naked lands of the country and going to different towns. You weren’t even sure what you wanted to do, but you wanted to have the option. So in a little cigar box under your bed. You scrimped and saved what you could from each week. But, being the sheriff’s favorite girl, meant no one else dared touch you, meaning you have been having to open that little box of savings more and more. 

“That ain’t the worst thing in the world,” you heard a voice next to you. Soft, and velvety- you’d recognize the voice anywhere as Dottie, one of the older women who had been working there much longer than you. Middle-aged, but completely sensual in her mannerisms and her voice. She had the ability to captivate an entire room with her prominent curves and everything you know, you learned from her. 

“I know, I know,” you try to explain, but she feels your frustration. She understands it, and she knows it better than you do. She’d been there herself. The restlessness, the feeling of being incomplete, the utter fear of your life being wasted away under men whom you’re never going to fall in love with. She knows.

But she also knows the harsh realities of this world and how it treats lost souls like you, and she doesn’t want to see how it can hurt you like it hurt her. She understood how demeaning this line of work is, and how from here there is no way to move up in the world. It’s a limbo, where you're stuck in this saloon, listening to the complaints of men who despite their hardships will always have it better than you. However, the alternatives for women like you are far less desirable outcomes for your lives. 

“Appreciate the gift you’re being given, sweetness,” she chuckles, watching as the bartender makes her usual. “As long as that sheriff keeps coming around, you’re working less for the same room and board the rest of us pay.” 

You know she’s right. You know there’s so many things wrong about this town you can’t change. You can’t afford to worry about things like that, while so many of the people in this little one room saloon are just trying to survive tomorrow. It’s never going to be an ideal, and the world is much too cruel for miracles to happen for a woman like you who sold their soul. 

Jesus befriended Mary Magdalene, so it never made much sense to you when folks in this town claimed you were damned to spend your own eternity in hell. You weren’t sure if the people in this town actually read the Bible. Granted, you didn’t know much about religion yourself. But long ago you learned religion was a luxury only the wealthy people in this town could afford to follow, and they were the ones who could afford to participate in the sins you peddled. But, that was just one woman’s observation. 

Dottie disappeared back into the crowd as quickly as she arrived, and soon you were back to watching the doors again, waiting for the sheriff to relieve you of your ever growing boredom. The place was in full swing as a posse of men you don’t recognize entered, talking about how they were on their way to the coast, to mine for gold and become millionaires. You can’t help but roll your eyes, and you keep to yourself as they whoop and holler, making demands of the barkeep to send out a round for the whole place on their dime. Their rowdiness makes you flinch, and for the first time tonight, you find yourself anxiously waiting for the appearance of the sheriff so you don’t have to entertain the likes of them. Maybe God does like you, because before one of the men staring at you has an opportunity to saunter over, the saloon doors open suddenly and you can be saved. 

You know you shouldn’t find it thrilling, but there is something about being his favorite that fuels your ego on nights like this. The most commanding man in the town, calling you his- making you have this untouchable status for the night. It was the closest you think you can ever be to royalty. In that bar, on the nights he regulars, you’re a Queen. It’s a rush that's definitely spoiled you and yes, in the moment, you absolutely revel in the power you feel as he changes the atmosphere in the room- with his hardened blue eyes locked right on you. 

“Evening, sheriff,” you coo and shoot him a smile, genuinely happy to see him. 

“How many times do I have to ask you to call me Lee, darling?” He smirks, placing his hands on your knee so you uncross your legs and he can stand between them. The feeling of his hands on the exposed skin of your upper thighs sent a tingle right up your spine. His thumbs slowly rubbed circles on your skin, making you shiver. 

You rest your hands on his chest, rubbing gently, your hands shamelessly feeling the strength of his chest under his shirt. You straighten out the gold sheriff’s badge on his chest, and you can feel him tremble slightly at your touch, which strokes your ego more than it already was. 

“I forget,” you tease, straightening out his tie. He smirks, looking down at you as his hands trail up higher, resting on your hips under the skirt of your dress. “I need you to keep coming back and remind me,” you flirt shamelessly. 

“Your usual, sheriff?” the bartender asks over the loud music, people settling back into their own business after the excitement of the sheriff arriving has died down. Lee replies with a quick thank you but doesn’t take his eyes off of you. 

“Did you miss me, darling?” he quips, rubbing your sides, his thumbs trailing across the waistband of your undergarments. 

“I always do,” you wink, leaning up and pressing a quick kiss to the side of his jaw. “It’s so slow when you aren’t here,” you practically whine, pouting your lips slightly. 

“I’m sorry about that, sugar,” he mumbles, leaning in and trailing kisses down your neck. 

“It’s your fault you know,” you tease, your nails scratching his scalp affectionately. 

“Is it now?” he chuckles, as he nips at your skin. 

“No one else comes near me,” you admit, and you feel him smile against your skin. 

“Good,” he murmurs against your collarbone. 

“Ice is melting,” you chuckle, referring to the drink he’s ignoring on the counter. He just chuckles, pulling away only long enough to finish the drink in one long sip, and you watch as his Adam’s apple moves, and how the condensation of the glass drips onto his knuckles. 

After he places the empty glass on the counter, you pull his arm to lead him upstairs with you. He takes your hand and let’s you lead the way, he knows like the back of his hand, and at this point better than his own house.

“Impatient, darling?” he teases, “Not going to ask me for a dance?”

“You never say yes,” you giggle, “Figured you want to have some privacy.”

“I might’ve said yes,” he retorts and you can’t help but roll your eyes. 

“Would you have?” you counter and he shakes his head no with a devilish grin. 

“One of these days, doll.” 

“I’ll be an old maid,” you joke, continuing up the stairs and down the hallway towards your room. 

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” he says. You don’t know exactly what he means, but you don’t push him for an explanation. As soon as the door clicks closed behind you both, Lee’s lips attach to yours like if he waits a second longer he’d evaporate. 

“Been dreaming about this,” he mumbles against your neck, leaving a trail of love bites that send a shiver up your spine. “Think about you every night I can’t visit you.”

You noticed how much more intimate your interactions with the Sheriff were gradually becoming. You weren’t sure how much of it he meant. The way he fawned over you and treated you like something more. Plenty of times, men behaved this way, never admitting except behind closed doors that that craved a much deeper sense of intimacy. You had always assumed the Sheriff was no different.

He’d take care of you, and you saw over time the way he handled you changed. It used to be rough and impersonal, oftentimes as well relying on you to do all the work so to speak. But, overtime, his visits became more of a mutual endeavor, and soon he was kissing you like how he is now, or begging to let him settle his head between your parted thighs, saying he felt good making you feel good. 

“I’m addicted to the feeling of your skin, darling,” he whispers as he lets his fingers linger as he pulls the straps of the dress down your arms. When the dress pools at your feet, he stares in awe like it’s the first time seeing you, and then soon enough his lips are on yours again and his hands are free to wander where they please. 

“Most stunning thing I’ve ever seen,” he whispers as you work on taking off his shirt, teasingly slow at undoing the buttons. 

“You say that everytime,” you point out and he chuckles, running his hands up and down your sides. 

“Cause I mean it everytime,” he smirks, walking you back until the back of your knees hit the back of your bed and you lay down with him on top of you. 

One time a month or so back, you were sitting on top of the bar counter with him settled between your legs. You were using a rag to wipe blood off of his face after a messy fight that happened. Well, a fight that he started. 

“I didn’t like him looking at you like that,” he grumbled, still fuming and he winces slightly as you press the damp cloth to the cut by his brow. “Shouldn’t be touching you like that,” he slurs, and you can smell the whiskey on his breath. 

“Just means I’m doing my job right,” you chuckle, amused at his possessiveness. “It don’t mean nothing,” you say.

“It don’t mean nothing when it’s me either,” he pouts, with his eyes closed like he could fall asleep standing up. You are convinced he’s just drunk and doesn’t know what he’s saying. He leans on you slightly to keep himself upright, and you move to wipe the blood that is smeared by the corner of his lips. 

He’s so handsome, you can’t help but observe. From a distance, sure he’s gruff and rough around the edges but he’s got the most handsome face you think you’ve ever seen pass through. You’ll never admit to yourself that you were taking your time patching him up so you could just look at him like this for a little longer. It’s always nice sometimes to pretend a situation is something that it’s not. 

“Tell me your mine, darling,” he almost whispers when his eyes flutter open again to look at you. His gaze on you felt heavy and you weren’t sure what to make of it. 

“I’m all yours, Sheriff,” you can’t help but chuckle, thinking he’s just fooling. Just trying to tease you. He frowns and looks so  sad, those damn blue eyes more expressive when he’s drunk. 

“Tell me your mine,” he asks again, like a whispered plea as his eyes roam over your face. 

“I’m yours.”

By the morning, he’s always gone. He always leaves more than necessary, insisting to you the night before not to tell the owner. He doesn’t want him taking a bigger percentage. He whispers not to worry, and to let him take care of you. He knows how much he affects your wages and he wants to do the right thing. 

Lee doesn’t like to pay you. It’s a horrible reminder to him that you don’t actually care one way or another if he shows up or not. It’s the terrible wake up call come morning that you aren’t actually his, as much as he asks you to say it. 

You’d just have to say the word and he’d do just about anything to make you love him back for real. But he knows that this can’t ever go further. You deserve to go off and see the places he hears you tell the other girls about. You don’t think he knows about you wanting to leave but of course he does. 

The pictures of far away cities are hung on your mirror held up between the frame and the glass. There’s a picture of New York that sometimes he’ll stay up staring at, knowing your heart ain’t tied down yet to one place like his is tied here. He can’t leave and he knows he can’t in good conscience ask you to stay. He knows you would, but not for the reasons he wants. 

Good god, you’re still young and have a spark in you that he damn well knows he doesn’t want to be the one to put out. He wants nothing more than for you to look at him and see you could be happy and be in love. But what life is that compared to the life you’re dreaming of. You have hopes, dreams, and Lee knows he isn’t at the center of any of them. 

So for now, he settles for the time you share with him when he comes by like tonight. Where he hopes he can silently tell you with his touches how much he feels for you. Where he can carefully tread the waters of sweet sentiments in hopes you’ll return them without him asking. It’s not real, none of it is. 

He can hold you close and touch every part of your body like it’s only his to see and feel. He can hear every noise you make and watch every reaction to his touches and it fuels him for now. It’s enough for now to leave bruises on your skin and pretend it’s enough to keep others from knowing you’re his. It’s not, because the marks won’t matter. 

He can feel himself inside you, and feel how your body reacts to him. The way to him, nothing will ever come close to the feeling of you around him. He’s addicted and he can’t go back. He’s been ruined by you, and no one else will ever come close to adding up to you. 

But it’s not real. He’ll go home in the morning, and lie to his wife one more time, swearing that it’s the last time he goes back. He’ll tell her he worked late and slept in the Sheriff’s office. He’ll make the promise that he’ll be home on the weekend. But it’s not real. Because, he knows that he’s going to find himself going back to you. And he prays to God you won’t be there.

Taglist:

@missyellowbirdie @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @weenersoldierr @msgodofmischief @lowercasegenius @demirunner​

[levi-my-beloved]

Birds of a Feather

Chapter 3

Pairings: Canon!Levi x F!Reader

Content warnings: Violence, implied torture, two pining idiots being two pining idiots, probably ooc Levi cuz oof i suck

Word count: 8.2K

Summary: You were the most notorious criminal in the Underground City. With your organisation of highly skilled professionals, only one man could take you down. He also happened to be Humanity’s Strongest… and your ex.

Previous Chapter

First Chapter

A/N: y’all these chapters are getting real long now… and they only get longer as i keep writing. just wanted to a say a quick and huge thank you for the amazing support i’ve had so far. i honestly didn’t think anyone would read this little story and it’s so heartwarming to see people enjoying it

i love every one of y’all so much 🥺

𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔𖣔

If your hands were free, you would have shielded your eyes as the blinding sun greeted you. You weren’t quite expecting it to be so bright. You knew the overhead world was nowhere near as dark as it was in the Underground City, you’d seen the rays of light spilling down from the toll gate but never in your life had you expected life to seem so..,

Vibrant.

Blinking a few times, you almost had to force yourself to remember your circumstances, gently pulling against your chains. The look of awe on your face was unmistakable.

“Holy shit…” you breathed, eyes now wide as you took in your surroundings. It was warm up here. Really warm. The sun gently beating down on the busy streets. Levi appeared next to you, pushing you forward to continue up the stairs.

“Don’t get used to it, you’ll be in a cell before long,” you were expecting to catch some satisfaction in his tone, but there was nothing other than contempt. You took a breath, managing to resist attempting to kick his shin as you kept climbing the stairs, now fully embraced in the sun’s light. Though it didn’t last as long as you would have liked. Sooner than you deemed necessary, if you were honest, a carriage clattered up in front of you. It was surprisingly lavish considering you were a criminal. Squinting in suspicion, your hesitation only earned a rough push against the back of your head.

“Get in.”

“You never were one for manners were you?” you drawled after stumbling clumsily into the carriage. The plush leather seats squeaking against your own getup, leather on leather disagreeing with each other.

“Not when it comes to people like you, no,” the raven haired man took up a seat opposite you, immediately folding his arms as staring out the small, curtained window. A muscle in your jaw flickered in irritation.

“People like me? You mean people like you? Or have you really forgotten where you came from? Did you lose brain cells as well as your sense of self?” god you just wouldn’t let up, would you? Levi rolled his eyes, successfully masking how much he hated the way you spoke to him. Like nothing ever happened between you. He understood. Of course he did. He knew why you were so upset. Why you were trying so hard to hurt him. He knew you wanted him to hurt the same way you did, but knowing what you were doing wasn’t going to stop the spear you kept repeatedly driving into his heart.

You attempted to shift ever so slightly, just so your hands weren’t painfully crushed against your back. Once again the thought of kicking him crossed your mind, but the situation wasn’t exactly in your favour right now.

It was only a few moments of awkward, deafening silence before you two were joined by both Erwin and Hange, the latter opting to sit next to you, seemingly not worried about whether or not you could still skin her alive even with your wrists bound. Erwin sat a respectable distance from you, despite the size of the carriage. The man barely fit, it was only because of your own size and the size of Levi did you assume you were all able to travel together. That still didn’t stop the man opposite you from throwing you a disgusted look as your knee grazed his. Just to piss him off, you did it again.

“SO! Raven, you’re joining the Scouts?” Hange blurted out, earning her a glare from Levi, a sigh from Erwin and a baffled scoff from you.

“Yeeeaaah… no. That’s not happening.”

“I’m afraid you don’t have a choice in the matter,” Erwin chimed in, almost defeatedly.

“Why don’t you just do what you usually do with criminals? Hang me as some sick entertainment for the public.”

“That can be arranged.”

“Levi…” Erwin warned lowly, to which Levi simply clicked his tongue in response.

Shit, that one hurt. He really didn’t care for you anymore, did he?

Once again, if you had your hands free, you would have run them through your hair. Joining the Scouts? That was never really something that ever crossed your mind. It didn’t seem to make sense. Why on earth would they want to draft you in? The question was swiftly pushed from your mind, replaced by another. Something you’d been burning to know ever since you realised the Scouts knew your location.

“Who was it?” you asked quietly, staring at your feet. Levi stiffened, shifting his eyes from the window back to you. Your demeanor struck a chord with him. You looked defeated, shoulders hunched over. “Who betrayed us? I just want to know.”

A heavy silence settled over the trio, none of them wanting to be the one who broke the news. The bond and connection between you and your Nest was strong. Trust ran through your veins, so to have it broken by any one of them was already shattering your very being.

“A woman. Brown hair, blue eyes. Scarlett, I think her name was,” at that moment, everything seemed to stop. Your world froze. It was Scarlett. Your own lover. Your wife. The woman you trusted more than any of them. She had betrayed you. Betrayed all of you. She was the one who put Una’s life in danger. The one who was responsible for the scar across her neck she would carry forever.

The three Scouts looked at each other, each not really knowing how you would react. Not even you knew how you were going to react. You were stuck in limbo. Everything and nothing was going through your mind. You didn’t know how long you’d sat there staring at nothing, simply trying to process this information, but it must have been an uncomfortably long time, if Erwin’s awkward throat clearing was any indication, gently bringing you back from your thought spiral.

“Oh.” was all you could manage, still not able to raise your head. Your eyes started to burn after not blinking for seemingly too long. How could she? How could she betray you? To the Military Police, of all people. You hadn’t cried for a very, very long time, but damn you were close.

Shit this entire ordeal had been difficult, but seeing you so defeated was next level. Levi dug his fingernails into his palm to stop himself from holding you. From comforting you. He still knew you well enough to tell when something was wrong. Very wrong. And although his stomach twisted slightly with the ideas of who this woman was running through his head, it was all he could do to tear his eyes from your hunched shoulders, returning his gaze to the window as the world passed him by.

“Did you know her?”

“Why would I tell you?” you tilt your head, glaring at Hange next to you, your jaw clenched. You may have just felt the last remaining fragment of your heart shatter, but that didn’t mean you would give them any more information than you had to.

“Raven, I give you my word, we will leave The Nest be,” Erwin tried his hand at reassuring you. None of this made any sense. Why were they being nice? Don’t they know how many soldiers you and your people had slaughtered? How much you had stolen from their warehouses?

You raised your eyes, seeing Levi glancing at you cautiously. Silver hues flicking over your defeated form with that same, cemented expression of boredom, before slowly looking back to the window. You spent the rest of the journey in silence, going over all the events that had led to this moment. How you could have possibly let this happen.

You trusted Prongs. You knew he would take care of your family. But Scarlett…

The bony claws of betrayal grasped your throat, gently squeezing until it became difficult to breathe. The walls of the carriage started closing in around you. Helplessness tainting the corners of your mind. You were stranded. Captured and soon to be forced into the military. To face those titans you’d heard so many people talk about.

You’d found the first man to ever hold your heart. You’d lost him, and then you’d found him again. And you could almost feel his hatred for you.

And though you put on a brave face. Though you put on an act to convince him you felt the same…

You couldn’t find it in your fractured heart to return his hatred.

The gentle, rhythmic clopping of hooves came to a slow stop, the door opening outwards to let the four of you out. Hange hopped down the step with seemingly boundless energy, before immediately engaging in conversation with a taller, worried looking man. Erwin stepped down, but once again you refused to move. If you could make their lives as difficult as possible, you would. Pure spite was fueling you now, your only current reason to carry on.

“Oi, move,” it was a blunt command, and one you paid no mind to. Not even raising your head to acknowledge Levi had said anything. “Hey. Did you lose your hearing on the way here? I said move,” a sharp kick to your shin prompted you to tilt your chin just enough to shoot another one of your glares in his direction. He too had to keep up his charade until he could get you alone and finally have a proper conversation.

“Go to hell,” was your only response, heavily debating spitting in his face as his hands once again grasped your arm. You flinched ever so slightly at the contact, something that didn’t go unnoticed, but it appeared Levi didn’t care.

Levi did care. Holy shit did Levi care. What the hell had happened to you to prompt you to flinch in such a way? Who the fuck had laid their hands on you? Who the fuck had hurt you like that? He allowed the rage to course through his veins, before letting it simmer down. He would deal with that later.

You stumbled as you were almost thrown from the carriage, knees colliding with the stone beneath you before you were dragged back to your feet

That fucking hurt. You started to think that maybe you could return his hatred. The next chance you got, you were driving you knee into his fucking gut. But for now, you decided to settle your glare on Erwin as he was talking to a darker haired man who kept glancing in your direction. It’s only now you realised your condition. You were filthy, mud and grime greasing your hair, blood and small cuts littering your face and knuckles, a dark bruise blossoming on the underside of your chin. Levi’s hand still held you firm, preventing you from even attempting to escape. Not that you would. You really couldn’t see the point, other than running into titan territory yourself. You tensed as the tall, haggard looking man approached you, apprehension mixed with disgust clouded his eyes, but it was an expression you refused to flinch away from.

“The Raven?” you couldn’t help raising a brow.

“Stupid fucking question. No, I'm just an innocent bystander dressed like The Raven for a costume party. I just so happened to think a pair of manacles clasped around my wrists completed the look,” you hissed sarcastically, and you could have sworn you heard something that could resemble a laugh from behind you, but it was so miniscule it was difficult to tell. If only this had been ten years ago.

You watched with satisfaction as a muscle twitched in his jaw, before the man managed to compose himself.

“My name is Niles Dok, Commander of the Military Police soldiers you seem to have so much fun slaughtering,” he introduced himself in a way that made it seem like the last thing he wanted to be doing was introducing himself to you right now.

“So? Do you want a written apology or something? Have to take these chains off me first,” you spat, with the innocent smile of an adder. This seemed to rile the man up more, to the point where he fisted your hair painfully, yanking your head up. His voice lowered to a dangerous murmur.

“Listen you little whore, I don’t know which door to hell you crawled out of, but I have men specially trained to deal with rats like you. They take pleasure in every agonised scream they can rip from your filthy mouth,” you refused to let your panicked, racing heart rule your mind, using every ounce of mental strength to hold his stare, firing back with a nasty glare of your own. And it took all of Levi’s willpower not to launch himself at the MP Commander.

“Go fuck yourself,” the retort came so naturally as you actually spat in his face. It gained you a much more satisfying reaction than you imagined you would get from Levi.

Swiftly removing his hand from your hair, you slumped back, staring up at the man between the now dishevelled strands. Wiping your saliva from his eye. You flinched as the back of his hand came up to strike you. Quicker than you would have expected, Levi was immediately by your side, eyes glinting with murderous intent. But before anything could happen, Niles’ hand was caught by Erwin behind him.

“Now, now Niles. Don’t go harming my soldiers,” his voice was borderline condescending as the MP Commander turned to look back to Erwin with an expression of disbelief.

“You can’t be serious? Erwin, this wasn’t part of the deal. You said—”

“I said we would aid you in capturing her. What happens to her after, is up to us. Think of it as collateral,” he reminded Niles of the deal they had struck before their meeting earlier.

“I didn’t think you would force her to join the Scouts. Are you insane?” It was a question Erwin had heard many times before.

“She’s just another calculated risk,” —he explained, before turning to his Captain— “Levi, take her to where she’ll be staying for the next week,” you had absolutely no idea what the hell was going on, but honestly, you were just glad Erwin stepped in when he did. You didn’t fancy whatever strike was about to land on you, and didn’t want to deal with whatever trauma it would drag up from your less than agreeable past. You didn’t have nearly enough time to unpack Levi’s own movements.

“Tch, why me? Why not Four Eyes?” his eyes slid to the scientist, who seemed to be engaged in an increasingly elaborate conversation with that poor, poor soldier. Even you felt a pang of pity for him.

“Because I’m afraid if I let Hange take her, she’ll end up in her lab rather than the cell,” Erwin sighed tiredly, looking at Levi with almost pleading eyes as the conversation behind him got louder and louder.

“Fine. But you owe me,” he responded, before tugging you away with him. You were almost sorry when you no longer felt the warmth of the sun on your back as he led you inside.

It was a walk full of disgusted glares and crude remarks. Clearly everyone had heard who you were by now, if that wasn’t evident by the snarls of “Bitch” and “Underground rat.” It didn’t really phase you. What these people thought about you was their issue, not yours. Though, you wouldn’t mind beating every single one of them within an inch of their lives given half the chance.

You failed to notice Levi’s ever darkening expression behind you. The glares promising a painful death thrown in every direction. The way a muscle flickered in his jaw at every passing comment. It was only until the hallway was empty did he feel that tension ease a little.

“Down here,” Levi instructed, leading you down a narrow staircase. As if you could go anywhere else.

“Yeah, no shit,” you snapped, earning you a harsh shoved down a few stairs.

“Don’t get smart with me.”

“Why? Afraid you won’t understand me?” that feigned sweetness to your tone was one you had perfected over the years he was gone, and was possibly your favourite form of sarcasm. He clearly didn’t dain your retort worthy of a response, the only sound to be heard being the echoing of your boots against the stone. It reeked of damp and rust, a different stench to the filth of the Underground. Speaking of which…

“You’re disgusting,” a flatly delivered insult was thrown your way as Levi guided you into one of the cells.

“I’m so sorry, I forgot to have a shower before you ambushed us. I’ll be sure to remember next time so I can smell like a fresh forest. I’m sure it would be a more homely smell for you,” you couldn’t help the sarcastic remarks that flew from your mouth. But you fell silent as he began removing your manacles. Instantly a plan formulated in your head. This could be your only chance at escaping. You just had to wait for the right moment.

As soon as the chains were removed from your wrists, you thrust your head backwards, in hope of catching his face. But you were met with nothing but air, and the sounds of quick footsteps behind you.

“You’re even easier to predict now you’re in a cell. Don’t try stupid shit like that,” did he forget how to change the emotion in his voice? He was never the most emotional person you’d met, but he would at least sometimes change his voice from ‘bored’ to ‘slightly irritated’. You were starting to wonder what else he had forgotten during his time here when the iron bar door to your cell was slammed shut, the key clicking in the lock. Now you were certain you couldn’t escape, you took in your living space for the next week. The bare minimum had been provided. A bed with no bed clothes, a rustic sink you weren’t even sure worked, and a broken mirror. Great.

The scraping of a chair behind you piqued your curiosity, turning you head to see Levi had taken a seat in front of your cell door, elbows resting on his knees.

“The fuck are you doing?” you asked, rising from your knees to turn and lean against the wall, arms folded.

“Waiting,” god damn his single word responses. You huff in frustration.

“Waiting for what?”

“You.”

“I could strangle you with my bare hands and feel absolutely nothing right now.”

“You’d have to escape first.”

“What makes you think I can’t?”

“What makes you think you can?”

As much as you hated to admit it, he was right. There didn’t seem to be any way you could escape these walls, you’d already done a quick run down. Threading your hands through your hair in irritation, you cross to sit on the pathetic material they thought was a bed.

“So?” you ask, still no closing to knowing what the hell he wanted. Once again, he didn’t deem your question worthy of a vocal response, opting instead to raise a thin eyebrow. You briefly fantasise about driving one of your long lost daggers into his goddamn eye, before simply brushing it off with a roll of your eyes. “Fine. Stay there and stare at me. It’s your time you're wasting,” you shrugged, flopping back onto the bed, arms thrown out either side of you.

“What have you been up to?” you couldn’t help the bark of sour laughter at the question.

“Seriously?”

“What?”

“After all this time, the first thing you ask me is what I’ve been up to?”

“Would you prefer me to ask you something else?”

“What’s on the menu?”

For a moment, it almost felt like no time had passed since you’d last seen each other. It felt like only yesterday did he have you in his arms, curled up in his bed, gently running his hands over your exposed waist, revelling in how soft your skin was against his.

Running a hand through his dark locks to bring himself out of his thoughts, he changed the trajectory of his questioning.

“Who taught you to fight like that?

“Self-taught.”

“Bullshit,” you winced at his response, raising your head slightly to stare at him, wondering who gave him the audacity to doubt you.

“Oh yeah? Not all of us had the advantage of stupidly strong genes, shortstuff,” shit, you hadn’t said that nickname in a long, long time. Clearly he hadn’t heard it for a long time either, judging by the way his eyes widened his body stilled. Neither of you were able to comment on the irony of the name, considering you were just as vertically challenged. Managing to shake yourself from your daze first, you realised that was a lot for both of you. “Sorry,” you murmured, averting your gaze.

“No, it’s… fine,” there was no malice in his voice. No hatred, a surprise that caused you to turn your head back to face him. Levi cleared his throat before continuing. “How’d you get that scar?” the second question caught you off guard, not expecting anything so personal so quickly. Naturally, you responded with something sarcastic.

“Tea party gone wrong,” an irritated sigh echoed off the dank walls, clearly not satisfied with your answer.

“What happened to you, Raven...?” if it wasn’t for the acoustics of the room, you would have missed the comment, but your heart clenched painfully as the third question reached your ears.

“You left, so I moved on,” you didn’t mean to sound so small or vulnerable. You didn’t mean to drag your knees up to your chest and clasp your arms around them. You didn’t mean to turn your head again, avoiding his gaze.

Levi mentally begged you not to look that way. He’d never seen you so insecure. And that itself broke his resolve.

Standing from his chair, Levi crossed the small space to the barred doors, not thinking twice about unlocking it and leaving the key in the lock. His body was almost acting on a it’s own. Years of taking you into his arms and holding you suddenly came back to him and he wanted nothing more than to take you in his arms once again.

But he hesitated.

You both did.

After raising your head to look at him, you watched as he stopped in the centre of your cell. Almost as if he was silently asking for some sort of permission to just do something.

You shifted slightly so you were leaning against the iron bars rather than the stone wall to the back, Levi taking this as the silent permission he needed to take a seat next to you.

Shit, the instinct to throw yourself into his arms was almost overwhelming, but you refrained, not wanting that kernel of hope to smoulder into nothing when he rejected you.

Levi was the first to break the silence.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” you responded, looking up to him between the loose, mangled strands of hair now obscuring your face just a bit. Age had been kind to him. His features, now much more defined. He was still the same man you knew back then, but this one was more chiseled. You looked away when his eyes found yours.

“You look like shit.”

“I feel like shit.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

It wasn’t the exchange you were expecting, this quick back and forth, but you wouldn’t say it was unwelcome. A familiar warmth started to spread in your chest.

“How’s the jaw?” you asked, eyes wandering to the now hefty bruise against his pale, soft skin. You remembered when you used to leave marks of similar colour all over his body. His neck, collarbones, abdomen, thighs…

“‘S’fine. How’s the chin?” his own eyes slid back to you, silver irises scanning your face briefly.

“Yeah. Fine,” you let the silence settle for a moment, before breaking it again. “Sorry I kicked you,” Levi grunted in quiet amusement.

“It was a damn good plan. Sorry I knee’d you,” it was only when he heard your gentle chuckle did he realise just how much he’d missed you. Every fibre in his body was begging him to roughly tug you into his body. To cup your face in his hands and seal your lips with a burning kiss. But all that changed when he shifted slightly and you flinched at the sudden movement. He stilled, waiting for you to relax again before he too settled back down.

“You knew her, didn’t you?” it was a rhetorical question. Your reaction after the reveal told him everything. Not only did you know her, but she was somebody close to you.

You stayed silent for a couple moments, not really knowing how to respond to his shift in conversation. You decided to match it.

“Yeah. I did,” you wouldn’t tell him. Not unless he asked. You wouldn’t tell him who she was to you. What she was to you. That still fucking hurt like hell.

“‘M’sorry.”

“You say that a lot,”

“You’re one to talk,”

You didn’t even try to quell your small laugh, letting it echo off the stone walls. Even Levi couldn’t stop a small chuckle at your amusement, feeling himself completely at ease in your presence.

“Did you really move on?” it was his turn to feel small. His turn to feel a little vulnerable. He couldn’t bear the thought of you just moving on from what the two of you had. Just throwing it all in the past and leaving it there.

“Yes and no.”

“The hell does that mean?”

You sighed, tightening your grip around your knees. You hoped this wouldn’t be as painful for him to hear as it would be for you to say, but you didn’t hold out much hope.

“Yes, I moved on. I’m not the same girl I was. Trust me on that. I’m not the same girl you fell in love with, nor the girl who fell in love with you,” you had to take a breath, suddenly finding the air down here far too thick. “She wouldn’t have survived down there. That girl would have been killed by some pig the moment you left. So... I killed her myself. You already know I’ve been part of The Nest for a while, but I wasn’t really one of them, if you get what I mean. I didn’t stay with them, I didn’t eat with them. Sure, Viper took me in after my—“ you stopped, burying that can of worms before you even opened it. That wasn’t something you wanted to bring up right now. “Viper took me in, taught me a few things, but I stayed with you. I didn’t have to be one of them when I was with you. But when you left… I didn’t exactly have a choice. I couldn’t be so naive anymore. I couldn’t be so hopeful. I had to be realistic, and to be realistic, I had to hurt a lot of people. I had to see a lot of things,” you allowed the weight of your words to settle before you continued. “But that girl. That girl you knew. She never stopped loving you. Up til the moment she drew her last breath and I took over. She loved you. But I moved on,” you fell silent, realising that yes, this had been just as painful for him to hear as it was for you to say.

It was a long while before Levi spoke again, nowhere near as confident as he was.

“That’s who she was to you,” just as he thought seeing you again couldn’t get anymore painful. Just as he thought your words couldn’t get anymore painful. “You loved her?”

“Yes, but not completely. Part of me was still devoted to you. I think that’s why she did what she did. Scarlett was never a spiteful person, but she did hold one hell of a grudge against you. And I suppose, in a way, me,” the silence was so thick you thought you could cut it with one of your blades.

“She’s still there.”

“Hm?”

“That girl. She’s still there. You’re still in there.”

“Now look who’s being naïve,”

“You’re trying to tell me this new, supposedly ruthless killer would kick the shit out of some soldiers for hurting a kid. You’re trying to tell me this new cold hearted thief would bring medicine to an elderly woman and her son?”

“I—”

“You’re telling me this new, heartless little dealer would earn the respect and thanks of thousands of Underground rats? Because to me, that sounds like bullshit… (Y/N),” he wouldn’t accept it. You weren’t gone, he could see it in your actions. You were still there. His (Y/N) was still in there.

Hearing your name in his low, warm tone after all this time sent a jolt through your system. And when he turned to look at you, he could see silver lining your eyes. It took everything in him not to reach up and gently wipe them away.

“I’m not going to stop until you see what I see. I’m not going to let you think you’ve become this heartless, mindless killer just because you had to adapt. Because you had to survive. I’ve finally found you again. Do you know how long I searched for you? How many hours I spent tracing every single path I knew you would take. Asking every filthy mongrel I could find. Most of them said you were dead. Some of them said you were missing and hadn’t been seen in months. Years, even. But until I found a body, or some kind of proof you were dead, I couldn’t accept it,” well this certainly caught you off guard. Levi was never one for long, heartfelt speeches, or verbal communication at all, actually. So this was a little overwhelming. Two tears slipped down your cheeks, sliding through the sudden cracks in your defenses and leaving a trail through the thin layer of grime and dirt.

Levi kept his eyes trained ahead, knowing that if he saw you crying, his restraint would break and he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from holding you. But he knew he couldn’t. From the way you’d reacted to his small movements, he knew suddenly tugging you into him would scare you.

“I’m sorry,” your small voice wrapped around his fragile heart, both settling it and cracking it. He went to extend his hand towards you with the intention of smoothing down your hair, but the way you winced, almost anticipating something much more intense, made him stop. Shit, you really did look like a husk of your former self. He remembered the way your eyes used to glint even in the low lighting of the Underground.

“You should rest,” it was an appealing enough suggestion. Enough to draw a barely concealed yawn from you. Leaning your head against the iron bars behind you, you swore you could have fallen asleep there and then. Comforted by his presence.

You immediately missed his presence as soon as he stood, tempted to reach out for his hand but not wanting to push him away.

As if he felt your confliction, Levi stopped to turn back to you.

“I’ll be back in the morning. Rest, (Y/N),” it wasn’t like you could disobey when your mind and body was so eager to sleep.

“Fuck…” you muttered, running a hand down the side of your face, exhaustion hitting you like a punch to the gut. This wasn’t exactly how you saw your day going today, but you couldn’t exactly say you weren’t thankful. You didn’t know what you were, honestly. So much had happened, you knew you would need time to process everything.

The screech of metal against metal alerted you to the key once again locking you within the cell. Dipping your head, you watched the dark haired man return the keychain to a small nail in the wall.

“Hey…” Levi turned to you as you called out, his expression as soft as it was a few moments ago. “It’s really good to see you again,” a thousand butterflies suddenly exploded in his stomach. How long had he been waiting to hear those words? And suddenly, he found himself unable to reply.

“Tch, go to sleep, Raven,” he reveled in your amused hum as he turned on his heel, leaving you to recover after today.

꧁ꨄ꧂

Levi ran a hand through his hair. Sitting at his desk in his orderly kept office, he could barely focus on the reports in front of him. That haunted look in your eyes had left a significant mark on him. The way you now spoke was so different to the bubbly younger girl he knew.

With a shake of his head, he attempted to divert his attention back to the account of the mission today. You’d taken down a few of his men yourself, he recalled watching your blades find purchase in his makeshift squad. A few others hadn’t returned from where they’d chased your Shadows. Actually, most others didn’t return.

As predicted, it was a bloodbath.

Leaning forward, he reached for his tea, continuing to scan over the document until his eyes settled on your alias, and he couldn’t help but wonder why you hadn’t told anyone your name. It prompted a memory he wasn’t expecting. He’d tried so many times to bury his past. Thinking about it saved him from thinking about his lost friends. But it was unavoidable.

“Hey! ‘Re’ya gonna buy anything? Or you just gonna keep staring?” Levi peaked out from behind the legs of a taller man, peering at the young girl who seemed to be giving his father figure sass. He couldn’t understand it. Didn’t she know who he was? She didn’t look much older than him. Maybe eight? Nine even?

“Listen little missy, I don’t think you wan’ to rush me,” the southern lilt of Kenny’s dangerously low voice didn’t seem to deter the little merchant. Levi’s eyes widened as she folded her arms, her grubby face creasing as she frowned. For someone so young, she certainly had an impressive glare.

“Or what? You gonna kill me? I sell to the whole street, mister. You kill me, they starve,” Wow, she really seemed to have this whole thing going for her. Levi looked up at Kenny, able to just make out the subtle smile under the shadow of his hat.

“What’s your name, little girl?

“Hmph. What’s it to you?” she retorted, stepping closer. It was only then she seemed to notice his presence. Her glare seemed to soften almost instantly, head tilting in sheer curiosity. Her sparkling, (E/C) eyes widened upon seeing him there. He only occupied a fraction of her attention, before it returned to Kenny, that scowl also returning.

“You’ve got guts kid, I’ll give you that. But maybe that’s simply cuz you don’t know who I am,” he mused, picking up one of the loaves of bread you were currently selling. They weren’t fresh. Nothing ever was. But it was the best your family had to offer.

“Kenny the Ripper, right? Yeah, I’ve heard of you. Seen your ugly face in the newspaper when those shits up top toss their trash through the grates. And you better buy that now your filthy hands have been all over it,” Levi couldn’t tell if this girl was brave or stupid. He’d never heard anyone speak to Kenny like that and actually get away with it.

“(Y/N) (L/N)! Watch your language young lady! And what have I told you about mouthing off to customers?!” her face quickly morphed from a glare to something he could only describe as sheepish. An older woman leaning out from the door behind you. Her hair colour was different to yours, but those eyes… they were your eyes.

“But Maaaaa, I was just—“

“No buts. Inside, now,” her voice was stern, but Levi was perceptive from a young age. He could see the softness in her eyes as the girl pouted. Turning back, he watched her send a cheery wave goodbye in his direction, pausing slightly as it wasn’t returned. Her brows furrowed, before she darted inside.

“Quite the brat you got there,” Kenny remarked, handing over a coin in payment for the bread he’d picked up.

“Yeah, sorry about her. Pain in my ass but her heart’s in the right place. I hope,” Levi wasn’t really paying attention to the conversation, too distracted by watching the same girl clamber out the open window and onto the ledge above. Only using her right hand to climb, she paused, as if calculating something before shimmying along the wall, round the corner and out of sight. Before Levi even had time to question what the hell he’d just witnessed, her head popped round the corner, eyes searching for him. He raised his brows in question when she gestured for him, whipping back round the corner. Seeing Kenny still caught up in conversation, he quietly left the two adults, heading for the narrow alleyway she’d just ducked into.

“Hey,” the whisper made him whirl, stopping to see her cautiously step from the shadows near the wall. “You looked hungry, so I stole this from our stocks,” it became apparent as to why she was only using one hand to climb when she presented another, slightly smaller loaf of bread. It wasn’t as stale as the ones on the stall. “We got fresh ingredients yesterday. My father’s a baker but we only sell the stale ones because we wouldn’t be able to keep up with the demand for fresh bread,” she explained quietly, her eyes wide in earnest. If it wasn’t for his ravenous hunger, Levi would have declined the offer. However, the smell was too good to pass up on. Slowly, he reached for it, half expecting her to snatch it back. But her honest expression remained, only retracting her hand after he’d taken a bite. “Don’t talk much, do you? That’s okay, I get a lot of people who are shy.”

Crossing her legs, she lowered herself to the floor, resting her back against the wall to what he could only assume was her house. He followed suit, sitting opposite her in the damp alleyway.

“Your dad’s an asshole, by the way. Very obkonshus,” Levi assumed she was trying to say obnoxious, but didn’t correct her. He almost found it endearing.

“He’s not my dad,” his blunt response had her head whipping back to look at him, almost in disbelief that he had actually spoken. A small blush blossomed across her cheeks at her mistake.

“O-oh. Sorry. I didn’t know,” an awkward silence settled over them, before she spoke up again. “Your not-dad’s an asshole,” Levi glanced at her, noting her cheeky smirk. His own lips twitched in amusement. She wasn’t wrong. Kenny was an asshole.

They stayed there until he’d finished his bread, (Y/N) simply talking about everything and nothing.

“Where’d that little rat scurry away to?” Kenny’s drawl interrupted your little conversation, prompting the both of you to shoot to your feet. The girl shot him a worried look, not knowing how this was going to play out. Levi was never one to offer reassurance, never really needing to, until now. He tried his hand at a reassuring expression, before stepping out the alleyway a little.

“Here, I was just—” he looked back to the narrow street where she just was, only to find she’d completely disappeared. His eyes widened ever so slightly, attempting to peer further down the alley. How had she done that? She was right there. Maybe you’d already started your climb? His eyes travelled up the side of the wall, but found nothing.

“The fuck are you lookin’ at brat? C’mon, we’re leavin’,'' Kenny strode past him, roughly tugging him along. But Levi wasn’t looking where he was going, silver eyes still glued to that alley, waiting for her to emerge. But she never did.

A harsh knock on his door snapped him out of his memory spiral. How long had he been sitting here? Usually he had a good grasp on time but right now it could have been four in the morning or two in the afternoon. Running a hand down the side of his face, he went to sip his tea, grimacing as the now cold liquid graced his tongue. Setting it down almost immediately, he would have forgotten anyone knocked on his door in the first place had they not knocked again.

“Levi? Are you in there?” Erwin. Great.

“The fuck do you want Eyebrows?” Erwin clearly took that as permission to enter. Not that he needed permission.

Levi raised his eyes as his Commander strode in, pushing the door closed behind him.

“I was wondering if you managed to get information out of our little criminal.”

Levi’s jaw flexed.

“No.”

“Nothing?” Erwin seemed a little surprised and Levi couldn’t for the life of him think why. He didn’t know about your relationship, and it wasn’t like he was well practiced in his social skills.

“Nothing. She’s refusing to say anything other than annoying, sarcastic quips.”

“You two aren’t so different then.”

“Oi,” Erwin chuckled at Levi’s low warning, holding up an apologetic hand.

“Apologies, forgive me. It was just a joke,” Levi rolled his eyes, clicking his tongue as Erwin took a seat on the leather sofa, crossing an ankle over his knee. “I’m surprised. I thought you two may get along. Considering your shared upbringing,” if he wasn’t talking to Levi, anyone else would have thought it was an innocent enough assumption. But over the years, Levi had learned Erwin’s tells, and knew when there was something deeper going on. But still, there was no way he could know about your literal shared past.

“She’s abrasive, rude, cocky and thoroughly unpleasant. Why on earth would we get along?” Levi knew he was lying through his teeth. Whilst yes, you were in fact abrasive, cocky and rude, you were far from unpleasant. He wouldn’t have shared his heart with you if you were.

Erwin pinched the bridge of his nose. Suddenly he looked incredibly tired, like he hadn’t slept in weeks.

“Did you know her? From your time down there. Did you two ever run into each other?” straight to the point, it seemed. Erwin hadn’t missed the Captain’s flash of recognition back when you’d taken your mask off. He hadn’t missed the way he froze to the spot.

But Levi wasn’t about to open up to anyone, especially not the same Commander that had dragged him kicking and screaming into the Scouts.

Truth be told, after that first interaction, Levi had tried his damndest to see you again at every opportunity. He’d never been shown that sort of kindness since his mother died, and he didn’t want your little spark to be snuffed out by the Underground. He didn’t speak to you very often, only silently offering to walk you home at night, warding off any unwanted attention a young woman would draw.

He offered to share his small home with you when you were both around fourteen. It had been two years since Kenny abandoned him, and he noticed you looked directionless, and though it had taken a while for you to open up, he was happy for you to stay with him until you found somewhere else.

He just never expected to fall in love with you, or for you to fall in love with him.

“No. I’ve never seen her before,” Levi lied, keeping his eyes trained on the same document he must have been staring at for the last god knows how long, too lost in his own mind to concentrate.

Erwin wasn’t quite as good at reading Levi, and so accepted that as his truthful answer.

“Very well, I bid you a good night, Captain,” ah. So it was nighttime. Noted.

“Yeah yeah, see you tomorrow,” Levi waved his hand dismissively, once again earning another chuckle from Erwin as the door was pulled shut.

Levi almost instinctively reached for his tea again, only just remembering it was stone cold. He sighed in irritation, rising from his chair. He didn’t think there was enough tea in the world to help him sort through his thoughts. But damn if it didn’t make it easier.

Rolling his now stiff shoulders, he picked up the cold brew and headed to the kitchen. It was going to be a long night.

꧁ꨄ꧂

Sleeping in the Underground City was a luxury. Despite your exhaustion, sleep didn’t come easily. You assumed you must have dozed off for an hour at least before the faint sound of multiple footsteps had you sitting bolt upright, your muscles barking in protest. You were always aware of your surroundings. Always ready, even when you may look like you were resting.

You didn’t quite know what to expect, quickly running through several scenarios and possibilities in your head. One of those possibilities rounded the corner from the stairs. Four MP soldiers now stood outside your cell, one jiggling the keys into the lock. Immediately you stood, not going down without a fight. Though it wasn’t much of one. Before you had even landed a proper blow on any of them, you were harshly kicked to the floor. Your body having not woken up properly yet, you were easy enough to subdue as they clasped your wrists together in front of you with rope. Not what you were expecting but it was more comfortable than behind your back.

You stayed silent as they dragged you further deeper into the complex of jails and cells. You didn’t imagine they would span this far beneath what you assumed was the headquarters, but nonetheless you kept walking until you were faced with a wooden door. The same soldier fiddled with the lock until it swung open and you were kicked inside.

Raising your head, you saw the room wasn’t exactly empty. An array of bats and blunt trauma objects rested against the far side of the wall, but that wasn’t what threw the spear of terror into your heart.

A single, iron hook extended down from the ceiling. It looked like it would be used for bleeding or drying meat, but you could think of several other uses for it. For example, your current situation.

The door locking behind you had your head whirling, eyes darting from the man with the key to the wood that now trapped you inside.

“Ah, Raven. I’m sure our commander forewarned you about this, I don’t really know why you look so surprised,” you shivered at the fake pleasant tone, a stark contrast to the way you were now being tugged to your feet, arms thrown up above you. You realise now why they used rope instead of chains, your wrists being hooked up above you. Your feet now only just grazing the floor, head falling between your shoulders with your loose thin shirt riding up your stomach. You suddenly regretted shedding your leather jacket earlier, wanting to be a little more comfortable as you attempted to sleep.

“We have strict instructions not to permanently damage you, however we have various other methods,” one of your torturers stalked behind you, reaching up to twist the hook so you spun with him, now facing the wall of weaponry. The other three who had accompanied you all leant against the wall to you right, as if waiting for their turn. “I thought I would be kind enough to let you choose which we start with. Since you’d be the one on the receiving end,” the sick fuck. He was really enjoying this wasn’t he?

“At least tell me what you fucking want,” you spat, thrashing slightly in your bonds. The man simply laughed, crossing to the selection.

“Oh, we don’t want information. Just for you to suffer as much pain as we did when you killed our comrades,” ah, so they had personal connections. Understood.

“I’d do it again in a heartbeat,” your crooked, satisfied grin faltered as his expression darkened, crossing the room towards you in a few strides. Roughly grabbing your chin, he forced your head up to meet his gaze as you writhed in his tight grip.

“You know, you were quite the formidable criminal down there. Slaughtering and murdering whoever you pleased. Harming those who had done nothing to you. But look at you now, strung up like a squealing pig. Fuck, if it isn’t satisfying to see,” he threw your head back down before driving his foot into your gut. The impact sent you swinging backwards, saliva flying from your mouth.

Raising your eyes, you shot him a visceral glare as he browsed his collection of weapons as if he was picking out a pastry at a bakery. Opting for the classic wooden bat, you braced yourself for the night to come, knowing it was going to be a long one.

[angelicamerlinbarnes]

Modern AU: "Lilies"

Severus knows Lily is dead before James comes by to tell him. How, you ask?

Well, because she shows up in his kitchen on Sunday morning, translucent, to yell at him about his life choices.

Severus is living in a rundown old white house that he used to share with his wife Lily. She left him for James, a musician travelling with the other half of his duo act, Sirius. Last Severus heard, the two of them are world famous and Lily and James have had a son named Harry.

As it happened, five years ago James and Sirius had come to town for Sirius to reconnect with his little brother, Regulus. As they had a falling out and a difference of opinion regarding their parentage, their relationship remained just as strained and cold as it had always been despite Sirius’ best efforts. While James spent most of the visit having a smoky and lazy affair with Regulus, he met Lily at the grocery store one day and it was love at first sight. She’d left Severus a month later, choosing to travel the world with James, and had had Harry within the year.

During this visit, Remus, who had been married to Tonks at the time with a child on the way, had fallen deeply in love with Sirius, but had broken Sirius’ heart when he chose to keep his marriage vows rather than run away with him. Sirius tried to keep in touch with Remus after he and James left, but Remus never replied, though Sirius never stopped sending letters. Remus’ wife died two weeks after their son Teddy’s premature birth from complications, and Teddy followed in the hours after. Overwhelmed with grief, Remus shut himself away, only going out for work and to drink. The night he got fired from his job as a teacher, he drank so much he got into an accident on his way home, and is now confined to a wheelchair. That, paired with his self-inflicted scars and depression, led to a suicide attempt that Severus saved him from. Now, Remus is still a recluse, though he now works as a librarian, volunteers at the orphanage, and takes the time to have tea with Severus every day.

Severus grows lilies in his garden in memory of his wife, and nearly dies of a heart attack when her ghost shows up in his kitchen one Sunday morning. She yells at him about throwing away his life for her when she was clearly never worth it and Severus yells back at her for leaving him. But while their new living arrangement is a bit stiff, they remember why they loved each other well enough, so they get on fine, though Lily still cries about missing James and Harry nearly every day.

James shows up in town about a week later with Sirus and Harry in tow, saying he came to deliver a letter Lily left Severus upon her death, since she’d been sick for a long time. Severus invites them in for tea, because he’s British and he’s polite, and Sirius spends most of the time staring at Remus’ house through the window and asking questions about him. James holds Harry on his lap while Lily’s ghost fusses over both of them, though neither of them can see or hear her. Severus still hates James for stealing his wife, but it’s faded into a dull ache by now, especially as seeing James is now a single father, though James does assure him that since Sirius is his partner, Harry will be far from alone.

Though originally only planning to stay long enough to deliver the letter, James decides to stick around for a bit for unspecified reasons. (It’s not because Sirius and Remus both just smiled stupidly at each other for five gay minutes when they were reunited. Of course not.) As he usually leaves Sirius with Remus for the two of them to catch up, James takes to leaving Harry with Severus when he becomes too overwhelmed with grief to take care of him. Severus grows fond of the boy, and often translates Lily’s stories for him since Harry can’t see his mother the same way Severus can.

James tries to patch up his relationship with Regulus, but Regulus is not hearing of it, feeling abandoned and hurt since James left him for Lily. This does however make him more perceptible to Sirius, who is delighted to have his little brother back in his life, though his strained and shy relationship with Remus is wearing on him. Regulus tells James and Sirius that he had a partner, Amir, who died in a home break-in and Regulus, who is trans, suffered a miscarriage of their daughter upon hearing the news. Severus and Remus take care of him, though their own unstable mental states make it difficult some days. Working at the library with Remus helps, he says, but still refuses to speak to James and is tolerating but far from welcoming of Sirius. Only at Severus’ advice that he would be a far happier person if he just allowed Sirius into his life does Regulus begin to open up towards both his brother and his brother’s partner.

James stays at Severus’ house per Lily’s request, and Harry grows quite attached to Severus. Remus begins to spend more and more time with Severus, growing increasingly anxious about his strenuous relationship with Sirius. Lily and Severus begin to slip back into a domestic relationship even though she’s a ghost, and Severus tells Remus about it, believing he’s going crazy. Remus shrugs and says he still hears Teddy crying sometimes.

As times passes, James and Severus slip into a limbo of sorts. As James has become increasingly close to Remus through Sirius, they spend more time together than ever before, and end up falling for each other in their shared grief. Still, despite their unofficial connection, Severus encourages Regulus’ feelings for James, believing them the better match and hoping Regulus can find some sort of happiness after all the shit he’s been through. Unfortunately, this all comes to a head when one day Sirius and Remus break up in an explosive fight, leading James to leave with Sirius and Harry in tow. Severus bids them a bitter goodbye and settles into taking care of Remus and Regulus, both of whom are now far more broken than they were before.

Remus tries to kill himself again. Severus is alerted to this by Lily, who has been doting on Remus since finding out about his and Sirius’ love for each other. Severus races Remus to the hospital, getting him there just in time. Regulus is beside himself, and Severus calls James using the hospital phone, saying he thought he and Sirius should know. James hangs up on him, but shows up in the waiting room with Sirius and Harry three hours later. Severus offers to drive James home, since only family can stay and no one is doubting that Sirius is Remus’ husband even if there are no papers to prove it, and by his rights, Regulus is allowed to stay as well. On the way back to Severus’ house they have a conversation about their feelings for each other, though Severus continues to insist that James choose Regulus instead of him. This evolves into a shouting match until their attention is so far from the road that a semi crashes into them, gravely injuring Severus and hurting James severely, though Harry remains unharmed save a few cuts and bruises. James breaks down over Severus’ body, trying desperately to call 9-1-1, but it’s no use. Severus passes away in Lily’s ghostly arms, James’ screams still echoing in his ears.

Severus wakes up in his house, surrounded by the things Lily destroyed in her anger at him and James over the past few months. Lily is pressing kisses all over his face and crying, explaining that he’s a ghost now too, and stuck with her forever. Severus comments that he doesn’t think that’s too bad, and Lily slaps him but laughs anyway, drawing him into a kiss. They stay wrapped up in each other until James shows up at the house with Harry, sobbing and sagging to the ground in the doorway as both Lily and Severus wrap themselves around him, whispering, “Oh, Jamie…”

Sirius is trying to take care of James and Harry, but he’s pretty much a wreck himself, having been sleeping with a record number of men since his and Remus’ break-up and drinking and smoking his problems away. He’s been writing in manic frenzies, mostly songs about unrequited love, and has spent the rest of his time enduring depressive slumps. Remus is released from the hospital and tries to help him, but is struggling to deal with the loss of Severus, even if he has Sirius back.

Regulus begins to shoulder much of the responsibility of James’ care. He watches over James while Sirius and Remus watch over each other, and comes to care for Harry like a son. Sirius loves him for it, and does his best to pitch in where he can. Though his trust issues and grief are incapacitating, Sirius starts to rebuild his relationship with Remus, this time on a solid foundation of trust and truth, though it takes time. He begins to understand, through their conversations about both of the times they fell in love, why Remus chose to stay with Tonks despite his heart belonging to Sirius, and comes to a new understanding of Lily’s choice of James, as she was already pregnant with Harry by the time she left Severus, and in the minds of parents, children come first. Severus is a bit heartbroken to learn that Lily had cheated on him, but is too tired to truly be angry, and tells Lily it’s in the past now. She smiles at him and kisses his cheek.

James, meanwhile, is working himself into a downward spiral. He’s wondered for years whether Lily ever really loved him like he loved her or if she just chose him because of Harry, and he’s also felt terribly guilty for stealing her from Severus no matter how much he loved her. While he tried to treat Severus right, he knew it was a failed pipe dream from the beginning, as he could never truly keep his heart from Regulus’ delicate hands. Severus and Lily both try to speak with him, but in vain, as he cannot see them.

The ghosts try to take care of Harry, though he can’t see them either. As it comes to be, Sirius and Remus rebuild themselves and each other enough to give Harry and James a stable home. Their partnership with James gives him the strength to keep going, and he begins to make things right with Regulus, who seems happier these days despite all his sadness. As the years pass, Severus and Lily watch their family grow. Sirius and Remus marry, adopting four children from the orphanage where Remus volunteers: Luna, Hermione, Newt, and Draco. They and Harry make friends with the Wealsey children from down the street, and James marries Regulus in a quiet ceremony shortly after tying himself to Sirius and Remus permanently. Lily’s body is moved to their town and buried beside Severus, and the two ghosts settle down in their graves, willingly passing on.

And in case you were wondering… (which I know you’re not)

Remus makes Sirius quit smoking. He and James give up their famous lifestyle for their spouses and children, settling in the town where this all began. Sirius and Regulus build a strong relationship that does not fray or break any longer. Sirius is Harry’s second favorite person after James, and Harry makes Remus take him to visit Severus and Lily’s graves at least three times every year. Sirius loves Remus a lot, but that’s okay, because Remus loves Sirius a lot too.

Sirius is James’ favorite person and he loves him so fucking much - Remus too. He misses Severus and Lily every day, but he’s got their son and the flowers to remember them by. He thinks maybe he could have a Happily Ever After here, maybe. If the world stands still long enough.

Meanwhile, Peter has lived in a homeless shelter since he got dumped by his ex-wife Mary, who is a kindergarten teacher now dating Dorcas the karate teacher and Marlene the bartender. He meets Max and their son Seamus there and falls in love with Max immediately, eventually building a home with them on a generous gift from Sirius that allows him to start up his own bakery. Though Remus offers to put him up every time he visits, Peter always refuses, though he bakes him plenty of thank you muffins once he’s out. James comes to Peter for advice about all of his relationships, and Peter indulges him every time, though really he just wants to bake cookies and sleep. Peter is the happiest person in this story how is that possible

Mcgonogall is the head librarian who listens to hard rock and has her wards (Sirius, Remus, and James) over for tea when she needs to give any of them a swift kick in the rump for their stupid life decisions. Dumbledore and Grindelwald are a married couple who grow petunias in their garden and live next to Mcgonogall, since she and Dumbledore are partners. Grindelwald glares at everyone and everything and Dumbledore hums Beatles songs under his breath off-key and brings an open umbrella on his walks on sunny days, so yeah. The Weasleys are the nutcases who run the orphanage and the homeless shelter, Peggy Schuyler is Newt’s best friend and a schoolmate of the children’s, and life is alright.

Yeah I don’t know what this is either.

[neworleansspecial]

Black!AU - Buck's been missing for (over) a month maybe and Eddie's worried. Christopher keeps asking for him and he tries to reassure him but now- he can't help but think- could Buck really be- ?

I’ve been thinking about if Buck suspiciously just goes missing and Eddie has no idea where he went and then Buck turns up like a month later all bruised up

I'm not sure if that above ask was meant for this AU but I'm gonna assume it was and combine these two! Under a read more because it's long //

After a year of marriage, Eddie is pretty used to Evan being gone for long periods of times. Sometimes when he leaves for work, he's back by the end of the day; others, he's gone for two or three weeks. The longer jobs seem to affect him more, even if he won't admit to Eddie when he's scared or upset or anxious, and it's those that often wind up with Eddie taking care of his injuries and trying to pull him out of his head.

This is the longest he's been gone since they first got together. It's been 29 days, not that Eddie is counting, since Evan put his duffel bag in the trunk of his jeep, kissed Eddie goodbye, and promised Christopher to bring him a souvenir from his travels.

"When's Evan coming home?" Christopher asks over dinner one night, the two of them staring at the empty seat at their table. "I miss him."

As much as it kills him, Eddie has to say, "I don't know. Hopefully soon. He's working, bud, sometimes that takes a while."

"Stupid work."

Eddie nods. Stupid work indeed. He knows enough about Evan's job to be afraid of the extended absence. While it's not unusual for his husband to be incommunicado when he's working, he can't shake the fact that it's been far too long since they shared a bed. Worst of all, Eddie knows that Evan has worked hard to keep him and Christopher a secret from whoever he's working for, which means there will be no notification if Evan were to die.

It's the not knowing that's the worst, he thinks. If he knew something had happened to Evan, it would be awful, but at least he'd know. Right now, he's stuck in limbo. As he lays alone in his bed at night, cold without someone to hold him close.

The next morning, when he wakes up, he goes out into the living room on his way to the kitchen when he notices a few key differences from when he went to bed.

For one, there is a chair wedged under the knob of the front door, an extra barrier on top of the lock and the deadbolt, which Eddie doesn't keep engaged when Evan isn't home so he can always come in. There's an extra pair of shoes by the door. They're not the white sneakers Evan left in and prefers to wear, but rather a pair of heavy combat boots not unlike what Eddie wore when he served. Evan's duffel bag is sitting in the kitchen. But what gets Eddie's attention most of all is the small trail of red dots leading from the front door, to the kitchen, and then back to the bathroom.

Eddie follows the trail of blood with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He knocks on the door, so as not to frighten Evan, before he opens it. "Babe, are you okay?"

The sight he sees in the bathroom makes his heart skip a beat.

Evan is lying in the bathtub, still fully clothed. What skin is exposed is covered in bruises, and his light wash jeans are soaked with dark, almost black blood. His eyes are shut. He's unnaturally still.

"Oh my God, Evan?"

He immediately kneels in front of the tub and presses two fingers against Evan's neck in search of a pulse. The handful of seconds before he finds one are the worst of his life. But, thankfully, he finds that Evan's heart is beating, albeit a little fast. Assured that Evan is at least alive, Eddie struggles to get his pants far enough down his legs to see the wound. It looks like he's been stabbed. The cut is about an inch wide, but Eddie has no idea how deep it is. His first thought is that Evan needs a hospital.

His second is that if he brings Evan to a hospital, he may never see him again. In the past when he's been injured, no matter how gravely, Evan all but begged not to be sent to a hospital. He'd never forgive Eddie for bringing him now.

He takes off his own shirt to press against the wound. It seems fresh, based on the bleeding, which means Evan likely came straight here from getting injured.

Once he gets the bleeding under control, he'll have to stitch the stab wound up. About eight months ago, after another one of Evan's worse injuries, he finally invested in supplies to stitch Evan up. He's not great at it, but it's enough to keep Evan alive, and that's what matters.

When he presses down, Evan whimpers and his glassy blue eyes flutter open. He struggles for a moment, trying to get away, before his eyes settle on Eddie and he seems to recognize him. That's what gets him to relax.

"It's okay," Eddie soothes. "You're safe. I've got you."

[spinchip]

As in Lonesome South

Summary: After returning to Ninjago from that Lighthouse prison, Dr. Julien decides it's time for him and his son to move on.

Warnings:  Dr. Julien is not a good dad. Memory alteration and Controlling behavior. ask to tag? Pairing: gen Wordcount:1700 A/N: The name for this fic comes from Hillbilly Man by Gorillaz lol

Packing up his meager room is not a difficult feat, Dr. Julien is glad to note, even in his advanced age. He doesn’t have many belongings now, his life spread out across Ninjago and across the sea, the things left behind and abandoned worthless in his eyes now that he’s been reunited with his son. His greatest creation. It’s not as if he couldn’t stop by that ancient bunker out in Birchwood Forest and gather up his old blueprints, maybe pick up projects left half-finished as his hands wrinkled and gave out, but there’s a clean and simple sort of appeal to a fresh start. Out with the old, in with the new. He had time to start again now. He and Zane could travel down to the outskirts of Metalonia, there’s raw materials there, new construction. Its growing fast with the upcoming tech giant Borg Industries basing it’s manufacturing plants in the heart of the city. It’s an easy place to get lost in, an old man and his son blending in with the crowd, a perfect spot to camp out at and get back to work inventing something new. Something to show up all those slip-shod messes he’d slapped together to appease Samukai.

In a way though, he can’t help but be grateful to the skulkin and his cronies. Without the elixir of life they’d handed him, without the resurrection tea poured down his throat, he’d have been lost years ago. The gift they’d given him had come with a price, seasons passing wondering if his son was safe out in the world without him, stuck up in that lighthouse tinkering away at inventions he felt no passion for. All alone except for the silly little bots he cooked up in his spare time. Now thought, free from the sea salt and stone, he had time laid ahead and a million projects he thought he’d never have the years for suddenly at his fingertips. Zane was his life’s work, and he’d turned out wonderfully. What could he do now, with another life to dedicate?

Organizing his meager things, he pulls out a duffle bag from the School's storage with DARKLEYS slapped on the side, not quite dusty but on its way there with the rebranding they were undergoing. Gutting the School’s unsavory past and installing a new, more healthy learning environment was a big endeavor for the ninja, especially since they wouldn’t be able to rely on his son to help pull it off. He and Zane pitched in when they could, helping repaint, clean up, and discuss a new curriculum, but it was a shame they’d never get to see it come to fruition. It reminded him of his days teaching to pay the bills while he chased his masters degree, there was a comforting nostalgia he almost didn’t want to leave. A shame it was time to go. Zane might have been a good teacher, too, if given the chance- he was as smart as his old man sometimes! Remarkably patient too, always willing to try and talk it out and find the best in people. Too bad. Maybe they could come back and visit, if work didn’t get too busy. He wouldn’t mind getting into the swing of things and whipping up a lecture for the kiddos. He could decide all that later, though. Now it was time to pack. He shakes out the bag and stacks his items neatly inside: a few notebooks of ideas he’d already cooked up, spare clothes Zane and Sensei Wu had graciously paid for, a few old books from the Library he was positive no one would miss. He was even sure to grab a copy of Zanes old favorites, maybe he’d like to read them again when they got settled. He made a mental note to grab his toothbrush and comb from the bathroom before they departed, puttering about his meager living accommodations to make sure he hadn’t missed anything.

The room itself was a modest little thing, an old student live-in dorm repurposed into more permanent lodging for himself and Zanes other team members. They were nice, a bit more long-term than he thinks Master Wu is willing to admit, but Dr. Julien found them quite cosy. Though anything was a step up from that damp and dreary prison he’d been locked in. He’d always loved the beach, but if he never smelled salt water ever again it’d be a blessing… He frowns, stepping over to the map spread out across his tiny desk, mapping out a possible route down to Metalonia. Sticking to the outskirts would take them closer to the coast, but setting up shop in town might bring unwanted attention. It could be worth it to take the longer route along the east if he really wanted to avoid the sea… it’d put him close to Ignacia, but it might work.

There’s a knock on the door, bright and sharp, and Dr. Julien isn’t surprised when he hurries over and opens the door to his son on the other side, “Zane!” He greets warmly, ignoring the troubled look on his face and pulling him into an embrace, “Have you finished packing yet?” He asks, breaking away.

“That is what I came to speak to you about.” Zane says hesitantly as his father begins to tidy up the room, closing the door behind him for privacy despite the others doing their best to give them space and clearing out for this conversation, “Father, we have discussed this, I…” He frowns openly, “I do not wish to leave.”

Julien stops where he’s folding up his map, staring up at his son with a scrutinizing look, “Zane, I thought you said you didn’t want to be separated from me again? Are you feeling alright, son? Come here, let me check.” He beckons Zane over as he tucks the map into his coat pocket, moving out of the way so he can sit on the edge of the mattress for a diagnostic.

Zane obliges on instinct alone, sitting down, “I am fine, Father,” He says, moving his gi aside to open his chest panel anyway, “And I do not want to be apart, which is why I think you should stay.” Dr. Julien moves to sit next to his son, running a quick inspection of Zanes internal wiring as he speaks, and Zane zeroes in on the way he collapses onto the bed- his knees aren’t what they used to be, “At your age, you shouldn’t be traveling anyways.” He says, obviously trying to be gentle.

Dr. Julien laughs, smiling up at his son as he shifts through the mechanics in a confident routine so familiar it came second nature, memories of them going through these exact motions surfacing faintly, “You don’t need to worry about me, Zane, I have plenty of time left. The ressurectea has given me another lifetime, and I want to spend it with you. It could be like it was before, just the two of us. I was happy.” He examines the connection points on his switchboard, making sure they’re all attached properly, “Weren’t you?”

“Of course!” Zane says instantly, cupping his father's hands to send the confirmation home, “I love you, and I’ve missed you ever since I got my memories back.”

“But now you want to go our separate ways?” He squeezes Zanes fingers, before letting go, going back to his ministrations inside his chest to distract himself, “You and I are family, Zane. I’m disappointed you want me to spend my final years alone.”

Zane shrinks, curling in on himself at those words. Dr. Julien has to hold onto the door of his chest panelling so he won’t pull away too far, where he can’t complete his check-up, “I don’t. I am sorry.”

“Come with me.” He insists, smiling up at Zane as if to say all will be forgiven. They would be, these moments of hesitance. He could let them go.

The checkup is comfortingly familiar, but Zane shakes his head, “My friends are here, they are my family too. I cannot leave- I have responsibilities. I am the white ninja, I am protecting people who cannot protect themselves. Is that not what you wanted?” his vocal processor goes small at the end, soft and uncertain.

“It is, and you’ve done a great job. I’m so proud of you, but now it is time for us to move on to better things… You’re my son, Zane. My greatest creation. I love you, and I won’t leave here without you.” Dr. Julien trains his eyes on his inner workings, his hands stilling, a slight nod as a silent decision is made.

“And I am not leaving.” He says firmly, his own decision giving his words strength, then, “Will you stay?” Zane’s voice has the slightest hint of hope, complex emotions coming so easily now that he’s lived a long and complex life. A shame to lose all that progress.

He sighs deeply, a sad put-upon thing, “No, Zane.” and there’s no need to elaborate. 

He watches his facial expression as he does it, half a second of shock and raw hurt, a snap of devastation and fear before his mechanics register that the memory switch has been flipped, the click of it near deafening in the room- the expression vanishes, his wide eyes go glassy and half-lidded and his jaw clenches shut, his body locking and freezing as he goes into limbo. Shoulder stiffly casual, his hands dropping into his lap where they’d made a last-ditch attempt to stop this and stalling short, sitting open and useless on his thighs. All at once his humanity is stripped from him, leaving him a blank canvas, empty and waiting for either a reboot or specific command. He was his son. He was his creation. He was his.

Dr. Julien closes up his chest panel calmly, tying his suit back up properly. He’d need new clothes, these would make him ask questions when he reset him. Dr. Julien didn’t want questions. He didn’t want refusals.

“Come now, Zane.” He says, tapping the nindroid on his forehead, watching those hazy eyes try to focus while in forced stasis. There’s nothing behind his eyes, no recognition other than the need to obey that has been programmed into him, “Follow me. It’s time for us to go.”

Zane carries his bag as they walk right out the front door.