#straight up ignoring a rapist because he made their favorite show

[dronestroking]

Bro I better start seeing more people commenting on the fact that Niel gaiman has been accused of sexually assaulting 8 women and people on tumblr have all of a sudden have absolutely NO smoke for a piece of shit rapist because they like sandman and good omens. Believe women except when it's the male author of YOUR favorite show, got it.

[ouatsnark]

I am so frustrated that I am about to scream. I saw a poll about if Emma swan deserves hate right? And in the comments one person says 'I hate her ingernalozed misogyny and internalized homophobia'.

Basically says she adapted so that Snow wouldn't abandon her and that the writers wrote the perfect closeted lesbian relationship with her and Regina.

They also censored h00k and I'm just so pissed and annoyed I could loose my mind.

THEY HAVE A FUCKING LESBIAN COUPLE IN THE SHOW. TWO ACTUALLY.

If they wanted swanqueen to happen, they would have made it happen.

Someone also said they were iffy because of how she reacted towards Regina because Regina is a 'good' mother and Emma was like 'I don't know about that'.

I feel like I am losing my mind.

The hilarious thing is that Regina deserves nothing but hate and all she gets is love, sympathy and understanding from that crowd.

“Internalized misogyny and homophobia” are buzz phrases they throw around to back up their lack of valid arguments. All they have to do is claim something is "sooo bad it's this and that" and it justifies whatever else nonsense that comes out of their mouths.

How does Emma have internalized misogyny?

Because she is in love with a man who has done, pretty much nothing to her, compared to the woman they want to watch walk all over Emma? The examples they use are things Hook did or said while a villain & while they were enemies or when he consumed by darkness. To which we respond: and? That’s not the real Hook nor the Hook we ship Emma with nor the Hook that Emma is in love with! Regina Apologists refuse to acknowledge the change in Hook.

So they claim that Emma lets Hook put her down which is just 100% false meanwhile they ignore the canon fact that Regina does put Emma down and has made Emma doubt herself. They claim that it’s just Regina’s “sass” or my favorite is “well, wifey deserved it” because yes Regina gets to abuse other characters but if a character upsets poor mass-murdering rapist Regigigig “that character bad, that character evil”. Well, Hook was consumed by evil so if Regina’s “sass” can be used as an excuse then being consumed by a literal evil entity should most definitely be a free pass for Hook. But alas we’re talking about double standard hypocrites here.

How does Emma have internalized homophobia?

Because she isn’t in love with the straight woman who held a male sex slave for 28 years? And yes, sorry loves, canon wise Regina is straight! What the actress says off camera doesn’t count! But somehow saying this stops them from her being bi/lesbian in their head canons? Oh the power that I wield!

Just because the writing didn’t go where they wanted it to go they have to pull out the homophobia card. It’s ridiculous. The writers were not writing “the perfect closeted lesbian relationship” which they outright say in a panel. Even if they were then it was far from perfect and more on the toxic side since the SwanQueen fandom claims that Regina was in love with Emma while actively trying to murder her and her parents. It would have been far from perfect since SwanQueen claim that Emma was in love with Regina while fighting against Regina purposefully hurting her and her son. But apparently they think all of this made Emma hot for Regina? Abuse is not love! Repeat after me: ABUSE. IS. NOT. LOVE.

Regina apologists think that Regina abusing her son because she’s afraid makes her a good mother

The Regina Apologists will never acknowledge the abuse Regina heaped on Henry nor the fact that Emma was there to save Henry from her curse which was causing him emotional distress. That alone makes Regina a horrible mother and Emma the better one. Regina deserved everything she got in S1-2 and more.

But again we’re back to the fact that Regina apologists think that everything Regina does is someone else’s fault and that her abuse is really love.

What proof is there that Snow would abandon Emma if she weren’t straight?

This is another pretty popular talking point and it’s based off a tweet by Ginny Goodwin. And she was 100% correct. I don’t know what the exact quote was but it boiled down to this: that Snow would have a problem with Emma being with REGINA because Regina is Snow’s step-mother. If they could use logic they would understand that from Snow’s perspective that would be strange, awkward and a little upsetting. I mean, come on, Regina sent men to murder Snow’s child, the same child they want Regina to get with. So this isn’t about any other woman being with Emma but it was specifically about Regina.

Snow is best friends with a bisexual woman and supported her relationship with Dorothy. But the RAs/SQs ignore this little fact and Regina’s history with Snow so that they can continue spewing their buzz phrases. Also, they like feeling like victims.

They like to claim that Emma had to choose Hook because that is what her parents wanted which is just not supported in canon anywhere and you can point to S3 pushing her toward Neal and their wanting Emma to let Hook go in S5 as clear examples. Snowing wanted Emma to be happy. That is it.

P.S. It makes me laugh when they still censor H00k years after the show ends. They started doing this so he wouldn’t trend on social media and thus make it look like he was popular because they have always, wrongly, believed that he wasn’t popular at all.

[anarchy-lives-eternal]

First of all, I’d like to apologize if you don’t like OOC fanfics or Charlastor fics, please ignore this one if that’s the case! So basically, this is about if Charlie and Alastor had been human and grew up together. This is entirely based on if Alastor was Demiromantic (which actually falls under the Aromantic umbrella) and had fallen in love with Charlie towards the end of their schooling/early adulthood. It is set so that they were born around 1904/1905. But anyways! I’m giving away the whole entire plot! Don’t mind me! Some warnings do include: References to violence/murder, OOC-ness of main characters, and there is some r-rated language. There are almost zero references towards, ahem, adult activities, or even really any kissing. Mostly references cuddles and hugs. Also, if anyone wants to suggest a name for this, please do so. Again, wasting your time! Sorry! Let’s get this show on the road!

A Charlastor AU

Alastor was angry. He was sad. He was grieving. He stood at his wife’s funeral, his smile was in place, but it looked more like a grimace than anything. Her friends and family had come, as well as his.

“She left this world far too early.”

“Taken away before her time.”

“She was far too kind for this world.”

Alastor couldn’t agree more. Charlotte, or Charlie as she preferred, his wife, his confidant, his world, was gone. They had grown up together, even though they came from wildly different backgrounds. His mother had been the Magne family’s head chef, and they had allowed her to bring Alastor along, saying that they had a daughter of the same age, and they could even play together.

Alastor had been a shy child, though, so when he first met Charlie at the tender age of 5, and she had immediately declared him her “bestest friend”, well... he had hid behind his mothers skirts. She had pushed him back out though and urged him to get to know the little heiress, telling him that he couldn’t spend all his time with his mother, and he knew well enough he wasn’t allowed in the kitchens anyways, “Too many knives, dear.”

So, he had been pulled out of the house and into the lavish gardens by the little girl wearing a frilly pink dress, that apparently she hated.

They had spent the entire day and the days to follow together, and when the time came for them to go to school, they both thought that they would be separated, only for Alastor to be invited to attend the school Charlie was going to go to. When he asked his mother, she said that Charlie’s parents had offered the scholarship as a “perk” of working for them. (Later on, Alastor would find out that Charlie’s mother, Lily, had seen the school Alastor would be attending and immediately denied it, saying there was no way any friend of Charlie’s was going to go to such a run down school)

And so the trend continued through their adolescence, until it was time to graduate. By this time, the two were nigh inseparable, and Alastor, despite his best efforts, had fallen in love. It wasn’t until his first broadcast a year and a half later that he finally got the courage to ask her out for a date. And only because he had found out the hard way that Charlie had a jealous streak a mile wide.

Alastor had laughed at his own idiocy, “Darling, why don’t we go out dancing tomorrow night?”

Charlie peeked up at him, her cheeks a rosy hue from her embarrassment, “Like a date?”

Alastor grinned, his chest warm, “Yes, Doll. A real date.”

And the rest was history. At least to the rest of the world.

You see, Charlie was the only person in the world who knew the identity of the New Orleans killer. And not only did she know who he was, but she literally helped him get away with murder. After all, she loved him.

She also created his cause: only ever kill the ones who were dirty. Abusers, rapists, dirty cops and dirtier officials.

She had helped him bury bodies or clean up blood on multiple occasions. She had even acted as a lure for others. She had been the one to come up with the template for his victims when he had admitted to her his desires to hurt others those years ago, “We can’t control your urges, Al, but we can aim them in a more... proactive direction.”

The 1930’s were rife with crime, if the FBI were to be believed. Just last year they had come out with a Bulletin, trying to get the public to speak up. They also had a fancy new lab for solving crime. ‘Oh well’ Alastor thought, ‘37 victims in and they’ve yet to even come close to me. Then again, I had Charlie before.’

Another wave of grief washed over him. He felt actual tears roll down his cheeks. Finally he was asked to speak.

Alastor cleared his throat, speaking was his specialty, but now it seemed so hard, “Charlie... she was my entire world, my confidant, my only love, and my.. partner-in-crime. She never deserved this. She was always so happy! Her smiles even outshone mine! I just want her back, if I’m entirely honest. I’d give anything to hold her again.” He turned, a blood red rose and a fist full of dirt clutched in either hand as they finished lowering her, he kissed the rose and tossed it down, then threw the handful of dirt as well. At that moment, something about Alastor seemed to fracture. After that day, no one ever saw him without a smile again.

Charlie

She awoke in a strange, gray room. Surrounding her were 3 forms, their faces indistinguishable, “Charlotte Rose Magne, you have been brought before us for judgement. Do you repent for your sins? Do you accept Lord Jesus Christ as your savior?”

“Repent? Repent for what?”

“For aiding in the murder of 37 individuals.”

“You mean taking horrible people off the street? For loving my husband?”

“If you shall not repent, to Hell you shall be sent.”

Before anything else could be said, three gavels slammed down, and Charlie could feel fire burning her soul. As she fell, she changed. Horns grew from her forehead, curling backwards, her sclera turned blood red, and her iris poison yellow. She lost all color, turning porcelain white. Her canines sharpened and she could taste blood in her mouth. She landed on a strange ground, everything around her was red, and there was a set of wrought iron gates in front of her. She picked herself up, walking forward.

So this was Hell. It was nothing like what she expected. Demons walked the streets, from all the eras thus far. She looked to her left and saw her reflection, ‘Well this just won’t do.’ She felt a strange tug as she concentrated on changing her appearance to that without the horns and eyes. There. Once her eyes had changed to black with yellow sclera and her horns were gone, she looked like an actual doll. She grinned.

Looking around some more, she noticed there were demons selling drugs and murdering others out in the open. It was obvious to her that everything goes in this place. There is one thing she is certain of, though. She needs some kind of protection.

There was a commotion to her right, a building that looked like a jazz lounge stood, and in front of it she could hear two demonesses arguing, “you can’t just up and quit! You’re our only Canary!”

Mimzy, I do believe I just did! Now enough with this jive, I’m off to bigger and better things!”

Charlie decided this was her chance. She knew she had a great voice, Alastor and others had always told her so. She felt a pang of grief and pain. Alastor...

She pushed it aside. She needed a job to survive now. She would just wait for her husband. They wouldn’t be apart forever.

“Excuse me! You’re Ms. Mimzy? You own this lounge?”

The demoness turned to her, “Yes, that’s me. What do you need?”

Charlie grinned, using the charm that her husband had taught her when she wanted something, “Why! I’ve heard quite a bit about this place and I would just love the chance to audition for a singing position. I’m told I have quite the pipes, and you seem to have found yourself in need of a canary!”

Mimzy looked Charlie up and down before hefting a heavy sigh, “Fine, at least you’re a looker. Let’s go. Hopefully you aren’t a trip for biscuits.”

Charlie just kept her smile at full blast. She was taken into the clip joint and straight to Mimzy’s office, where she was given a list of songs to pick from. She chose Blue Skies by Irving Berlin, as it was one of her favorites.

As she sang the song, she watched Mimzy’s face go from doubtful, to elated, to downright giddy. When she was done, Mimzy jumped up, “Why I never! What a talent! You can count yourself hired. What is your name anyway? You never told it.”

“My name, Ms. Mimzy, is Charlie.” She said, adding a flourishing curtsy.

“And what kind of demoness are you? I was a Lady in White until they finally got a hold of me and sent me down here.”

Charlie didn’t know how, but she knew the immediate answer, and her grin widened, “I am a siren. If I wanted, I could entrance all those around me. Make them do what I wish. But no worries, Ms. Mimzy, you’ll not have to deal with that unless you ask it of me. I prefer to just let things lie.”

Mimzy laughed, “Oh, but I wouldn’t mind at all if it brought more patrons in. What with that new lounge down the street, patronage has been on the fritz lately.”

“Well then, Ms. Mimzy, I do believe you have yourself a new Canary!”

And thus, for the next year, Charlie would sing at The Black Silhouette, and business was booming. Charlie would use a siren song once or twice in a night in order to draw in patrons, and Mimzy paid her extremely well. By the end of a year, Charlie had more money than a couple overlords with how much she made the lounge. Mimzy ended up having to buy a bigger building just to keep up with the intake of patrons.

There was one incident that became the reason Mimzy knew why Charlie was in Hell in the first place.

One of the men her husband had murdered, a serial rapist if she remembered right, had come to The Black Silhouette with a pally or two and recognized Charlie right away. After all, she’d actually lured him into the trap, and considering his pastime, had wanted a personal hand in bumping him.

He’d made a huge scene, of course, so Charlie had to deal with it personally. Killing him again in front of all her patrons had admittedly been a tad bit thrilling. Unfortunately that nagging guilt had nipped at her heals again. She pushed it down. He was the real monster. Still, she wished her husband was here. He’d enjoy doing the dirty work so she could keep her hands clean.

When Mimzy had asked what that was all about, Charlie had a simple reply, “Why, I used to help my husband murder people of course! He was one of them. Even had a hand in it myself, though I usually prefer not to do the real dirty work.”

She had grinned the entire time. As her husband used to say: smiles are power. If you can smile through anything, then people will always move out of your way.

Charlie missed her husband dearly. Her heart ached every day. She hated the pain, but she also hoped that he didn’t join her too soon.

“Charlie! You’re on in 1 minute!” She grinned.

Alastor

Hell. He was in Hell. The crown of his head still ached where his horns had come in, his smile still ever present, only now his teeth were sharper. There was a constant pain in his stomach, and he knew it would never be relieved. Wendigo. That word crossed his head and he knew it to be true. He stepped through the gates and into Hell’s streets. He didn’t expect to find his wife. She was probably sent up top. The grief struck again.

Truthfully, Alastor had only gotten angrier and messier once his beloved departed.

He would have kept going though, if not for the hunter. That fucking hunter. Those fucking dogs.

As he passed by a Jazz lounge called The Black Silhouette, the door opened and a voice he knew all too well came lilting out, curling around him and soothing something inside him that he didn’t realize until that moment needed soothing.

His head whipped to the side, and he immediately made for the doors to the lounge. He passed the Bouncer and as he caught sight of her, his lungs stopped working.

Up on stage was his Charlie. His doll. His partner-in-crime. She was beautiful in a sparkling red floor length dress, her blonde hair longer now than he remembered, but still gorgeous as ever. She looked like a porcelain doll.

He stood for minutes as she finished, heading backstage. He rushed to go find her. He had to.

Charlie Charlie Charlie.

He was stopped by a small woman, “You may be a fan, but no one is allowed back stage to go see her.”

Alastor felt rage at being held back from his beloved. Red sigils started dancing around his being, smile becoming sharper, “You will not stand between my wife and myself. Move.”

The woman looked shocked, but not by his power, but by his words, “Wait. You’re her husband?” She narrowed her eyes, “What is your name. I’m the only one she’s ever told her husbands name to, so I’ll know if you’re lying.”

Ah. So Charlie trusted this woman enough to tell her his name? He supposed he could play along then. Wouldn’t want to upset Charlie, after so long apart, “Alastor.”

The woman looked at him closely, “Very well. Her dressing room is the third door on the left. There are no names on the doors so people can’t just see who’s in where.”

Without another thought or word, Alastor rushed forward. He got to the door before bursting through it, forgetting for the moment all the manners his mother taught him.

He watched Charlie whip around, her eyes red and yellow, and a vicious smile on her face. Until she caught sight of him, “A-Alastor? Is... that really you?”

“Why hello Darlin! Wasn’t expecting to see you down here!” His heart wouldn’t stop beating.

Charlie let out a watery laugh as Alastor stepped through the door, shutting it firmly, “I refused to repent when they offered, and I knew you wouldn’t, so I got sent here. I managed to run into Mimzy right as I arrived. Her Canary had just flew the coop and she needed a new one so I offered right then and there. After all, I had a lavish lifestyle I was quite used to.”

Alastor chuckled, “Darling, you hated that lifestyle.”

Finally neither could take it and Charlie was in his arms, and he finally felt whole again.

[kob131]

What do you feel about the post about Vic mignogna by ultraericthered

https://ultraericthered.tumblr.com/post/183990672385/im-sick-of-the-rangers-spamming-vics-tag-with

Let’s break this down.

Vic is absolutely guilty of inappropriate behavior, misconduct, sexual harassment, and possibly (just possibly) sexual assault towards others. This has been established by his pattern of behavior for years. Monica and the others are being entirely honest in their stories and the allegations are very likely honest as well. How this is even in question, I have no idea, but it upsets and disturbs me that there are so many who are quick to jump to Vic’s defense while simultaneously vilifying his opponents and accusers (and possibly victims).

A, He hasn’t been proven guilty of exual harassment OR assault and inapporiate behavior means nothing.

And B. yeah, no. Monica has been lying via omission for months now, refusing to give ANY details on any incidents DESPITE the fact that those details are REQUIRED to convict him. And before you say she’s scared: she’s openly threatened vic supporters with legal action. Over asking her for info. That is not the behavior of an innocent person.

Oh and C. NOTHING came to light about Vic for MONTHS. The ProJared shit started and ended in the same month.

What gives credibility to the side of Monica Rial, Jamie Marchi, Jamie McGonnigal, Marzgurl, etc. is that not only do their words and allegations line up with accounts of Vic’s skeevy behavior towards fans and women that have been going around the internet for YEARS (It’s honestly astonishing just how far back some of this goes), but how many other VAs, people actually in the industry who might’ve worked alongside Vic and would be there to witness his actions, have come out in Vic’s defense? Can’t really think of much. Meanwhile, how many have been coming out in support of the alleged victims? Quite a handful, even J. Michael Tatum, himself a victim of sexual assault in the past. Apparently, Vic being a primadona and a skeevy womanizing creeper has been an open secret in the VA industry since forever.

And of these guys:

Monica has evaded legal action and refused to give details NECESSARY to convict him

Marzgurl has sactively ENOCURAGE VIOLENCE

And Jamie has been proven to bully people into dropping Vic from cons.

As for the ‘accounts”: they’re eitehr anonyomous accounts, too old to prove...or taken out of context of the people involed.

And by the way. how many famous people probably came out and said ‘that guy’s a commie’ back during the Red Scare? People coming out to help doesn’t MEAN anything without proof. People in the wrong can still come out in droves. And if that doesn’t convince: does that mean rape victims who don’t have public support while their rapists DO are the ones in the wrong then? Same logic of ‘One party has more public support than the other, therefore they’re right.’

What’s damning on Vic’s side of things? Well not only was a thorough investigation into the sexual harassment allegations conducted during the time of the Broly movie’s production prior to Funimation’s decision to lay Vic off (something his fans don’t even seem to realize happened) -

You mean the one where they didn’t give any info and was probably a ‘cut off the controversial figure for profit’ decision?

- but Vic’s response to the whole situation has…just not been how I think an absolutely innocent man getting his career and livelihood threatened by accusation of things he absolutely never did and would never do would respond. Vic’s been pretty sincere and professional throughout this and I give him props for that, but his “defenses” against the allegations have always been along the lines of “I remember things differently” or “I didn’t realize she felt that way - I thought that thing we had was consensual and mutual.” Of course he’s not going to recall those incidents as being ones where he committed sex offenses because he did not see his actions as being such when he committed them. He fails to recognize how and why his behavior is so wrong. He doesn’t knowingly think of himself as a sex fiend and harasser when he acts that way - he really thinks he’s being nice (backed up by the allegation where he repeatedly asked his victim to “let me be sweet to you.”). But those moments were not consensual. The girls and women he touched or romanced were not comfortable with it.-

And Monica has threatened legal action and Marzgurl thretaened PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.

You wanna judge this based on public reaction? Show me where Vic threatens anyone who questions him.

What his intentions were at the time don’t matter when put next against how his victims internalized his actions and how they were made to feel -

No, intentions DO matter. That’s why ‘self defense’ and ‘murder’ are different concepts.

And on top of that, look at how Monica Rial worded her own account:

This, by contrast, is Vic’s wording of his side of things. He “got lazy.” He’s “a work in progress like everyone else.” And my personal favorite: “Voice actors are no different from you: we’re bozos. We’re all dumb humans just trying to do our best.” The emotions are sincere, but the words are unrefined and a bit try-hard in trying to paint a sympathetic image of himself.

And Monica, by your own standards, is trying to appeal to basic human empathy to trick people into believing her. Thing is, Vic is consistent in his actions. Monica has acted contradictory MANY times.

And what’s damning on the side of Vic’s fans and defenders? Well, I could not help but notice that they can be found all over Youtube, hive of the Far Right that it’s become-

Strike 1.

I also could not help but notice that whenever I clicked a video made for supporting Vic and tearing down his opposition and accusers (who, again, could very well be his victims), it was literally ALWAYS a dude speaking.

Strike 2.

It was always some man speaking in defense of this other man who he probably doesn’t even personally know in a situation he wasn’t there to experience and knows next to shit about, and demonizing “waamen” that he also doesn’t personally know. And in all of this, I have not once seen any valid reasoning for why Vic absolutely must be innocent of the allegations made against him other than “he’s a super popular, charming, beloved VA” and “he seems like such a nice guy”. It’s frankly quite terrifying that the immediate default for these people is to stand with the popular, prolific, powerful man (and I don’t want to be an SJW here, but that Vic is handsome, white, straight/cis, and Christian might be a huge part of it

Strike 3-

Not only is this gonna EMBOLDEN the assholes on Vic’s side-

But Monica’s defenders (like YOU) have focused on gender and bullshit instead of anything FACTUAL. You act like anyone whose accused of sexual assault is IMMEDIATELY guilty if the accuser is a woman and teh accused is a man. Never mind how most of these accusations come down to simple miscommunication between the parties and nevermind how if a guy tries coming to the police about being raped, it’s likely HE’LL be arrested. Let alone what happens if the woman gets pregnant and can sue for child support...even if she committed STATUTORY RAPE.

Oh, and Vic’s italian and that culture is very touchy feely. So guess what? You’re racist by your own logic.

and denounce the women who come forward to accuse him as being liars because this is exactly why women who are victimized by men of such power and popularity tend to NOT come forward with stories of their victimization immediately after it happens. Yes, anyone is innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, but that doesn’t mean the accusers should be denounced as liars and demonized for daring to mess with the man - they ought to be shown support and respect IF in the case what they say is true and they really were hurt by that man. If they’re proven liars beyond any doubt, THEN they can be given well deserved scorn. But brushing them off beforehand is Not OK. Especially if it’s with conspiracy theories about how this is some big coordinated feminist effort to tear down a great man and destroy his livelihood, or it’s a retaliation from yaoi fangirls who hate that Vic dares to be anti-yaoi and Conservative in regards to gay people.

And yet you condemn Vic before he is proven to be lying.

Sorry, either condemn yourself or be better.

These assclowns have also constantly resorted to the defense of “Oh, hugging other people and kissing them in places not on the lips totes isn’t sexual harassment”. Totally ignoring the little details of the girls getting the hugs typically being total strangers to Vic outside of being fans of his work who are thus underage girls being touched by a grown man who has absolutely no relation to them, that he might have done the same with female co-workers behind the scenes, and that he has done these things on a whim, without the recipient’s consent and without paying any mind to how it might make them feel.

Also ignoring if they give consent like that time someone tried portraying Vic touching a supposedly underage girl only to BACKFIRE as the womana spoke out in defense of the man.

This has been a consistent pattern of behavior with him,

Consistently unproven.

and allegedly, he’s justified it with saying “silence gives consent.” Like a girl or woman absolutely has to verbally say “no” or tell him outright that he’s making them feel uncomfortable for it to be considered wrong and unwarranted. Basically “a lack of a No makes it a Yes.” I can’t begin to describe how gross that is.

So Vic has to be a fucking MINDREADER or else.

Great to know, especially considering how my own condition would make this shit damn near impossible to see.

The worst part is how these IStandWithVic cultists demonize Monica Rial. A woman who, by her own admission, was a victim of rape as a teenager.

Says the man who demonizes Vic.

A woman who has shown nothing but emotional and intellectual honesty and kindness on social media, who has acknowledged that even Vic and his fans don’t deserve to be harassed and hurt, to the point of stating this:

https://twitter.com/Rialisms/status/1095156641543192576

Funny how she says this TWO DAYS LATER than your picture.

But she’s both painted as a vicious liar who’s out to destroy a good, innocent man’s life and career, and is ALWAYS being written off by these dudes as just “the VA for Bulma.” As though she’s had no other notable roles in her long career of voice acting aside from that one character (as opposed to the oh-so talented, versatile and legendary star that is Vic). As though that character has had only one English VA. As though Monica just plain doesn’t matter when put next to a fellow VA in the industry who happens to be a handsome white, straight/cis, Christian male.

Keep being a bigoted douchebag, I can hear the alt RIght cumming.

And as though Monica had any feasible reason to lie about her experiences with Vic and assassinate his character on social media.

*points at you and your blind defense of her*

the pro-Vic crowd seems to think she’s greedy or jealous or just resentful towards Vic as a person, and is out to get him so that she can get money or respect or more roles or petty revenge or whatever.

Literally change ‘vic’ to ‘monica and that’d describe you.

But if that were really the case, how does that account for the friends and family who support her claims? How does it account for the fellow VAs (Jamie Marchi, Jamie McGonnigal, J. Micahel Tatum, Josh Grelle, Justin Briner, Daman Mills) who’ve all supported her claims and have said “Yeah, Vic’s been like that forever.

‘Get social brownie points’

How does it account for the fans and congoers who have been sharing their stories of uncomfortable experiences and encounters they’ve had with Vic FOR YEARS?

‘Stories’ are not truth.

The deck is NOT stacked in Vic’s favor here, so “he’s successful, popular, funny, friendly, charming, talented and a classic VA who’s so well loved in the anime community” is NOT going to cut it as an assumption of his innocence or a defense for his character.

No, that’s the legal system that says ‘innocent until proven guilty.’

He needs to be held accountable for his misdemeanors against people who gave no consent to being touched, hugged, kissed, stalked, romanced, or squicked out by him.

And yet Monica threatening legal action and Marzgurl making THREATS OF VIOLENCE? A-Ok.

It’s a Michael Jackson type of situation - even if he’s NOT done the things he’s being accused of, that does NOT make his creepy behavior towards underage fangirls excusable or alright.

Funny thing about Micheal Jackson-

The accusations, when you actually pay attention, are complete bullshit. Events don’t line up, accounts vary wildly, facts contradict stories. And yet he STILL suffered until the day he died and BEYOND. So thanks for remindidng why, as much as I hate Yellow Flash, Hero Hei and Nick Riekta-

You idiots are the worse evil.

Tl;dr: I shall from now on be referring to this VA as “Vic Cosby Mignogna.” ‘Cause even if he’s not guilty of the heinous shit that Bill Cosby is guilty of, his case is still all too eerily similar.

#IStandWithMonica

So does that mean if I call Monica ‘Monikkka’- She’s a KKK member now?

Oh wait, you wouldn’t give two shits if the places were reversed would you? For your cry of ‘I’m not an SJW!’- You sure do sound like the fucking strawman it represents.

[fortunatelylori]

When Jon and Sansa think about each other

Book dabbles

 I debated a lot before writing this because to be honest I’m no book expert and also the topic of Jon and Sansa thinking about each other in the A Song of Ice and Fire series has been covered so extensively in our corner of the fandom and by some truly fantastic meta writers.

But some thoughts did occur to me and I thought I might as well share them … :)

The main thing that has always struck me about Jon and Sansa’s thoughts on each other is not only just how rarely they occur. In Jon’s case, in particular, it’s quite strange to say the least because he doesn’t think about her even in moments where it’s practically impossible for him not to even spare her a thought.

However, sparse as they are, what I find truly moving about their thoughts about one another is that they concern two important aspects.

In Jon’s case, his thoughts on Sansa are centered around her romanticism, her wonderment at beauty and her love of songs.

He thought of Sansa, brushing out Lady’s coat and singing to herself

This is a particularly idyllic memory he’s picked there. Almost intimate I dare say. This is speculation, of course, but it does conjure up that image of watching someone you admire from afar, so to speak.

Sansa would call this an enchantment, and tears would fill her eyes at the wonder of it

This is one of my favorite quotes from the books because it feels so true to Sansa’s character and her desire to see the best in the world, to be filled with wonder at it and be moved to tears by beauty. The fact that, for some reason, Jon knows this about her always manages to surprise me.

There’s also a pretty stark contrast between his imaginings on Sansa’s reactions and Arya’s reactions.

“Sansa’s eyes filled with tears at the wonder of it” is very much an image he will be struck by later on when he meets Ygritte whom he starts falling for partly because she would cry when she talked about giants or sang songs.

Of Arya, he says this:

but Arya would run out laughing and shouting, wanting to touch it all

Clearly this is not the kind of reaction Jon is having at the moment. He’s pensive and blown away by the view (“there was magic beyond the wall after all”). His reaction is much closer to his imagined Sansa than his imagined Arya who, here, is placed in the role of the noisy, cheerful child, who is running around happily while the two “adults” look on.

But what is the most interesting thing about these quotes is that Jon, out of all the Stark children, is the only one to think of those characteristics of Sansa in a positive way. Bran also makes mention of Sansa’s love for songs but he calls the songs she likes “stupid”. Arya thinks most of what Sansa does and says is stupid. And we never get access to Robb’s thoughts but he doesn’t appear to spare Sansa much thought at all. Jon alone seems to be the one to value these aspects of Sansa that are so integral to her character.

Also noteworthy that while in the beginning Jon’s thoughts on Arya and Sansa are conflagrated:

He missed the girls too, even Sansa, who never called him anything but “my half brother” since she was old enough to understand what bastard meant.

The girls do not even have that much, he thought. Their wolves might have kept them safe, but Lady is dead and Nymeria’s lost, they’re all alone.

As the story progresses, his thoughts on the two split more and more and are often given in contrast to one another, as Jon begins to reflect on the two as individuals instead of “the girls”. This is far more important for Sansa than it is for Arya since Jon and Arya’s relationship is much more prominent in Jon’s thoughts so far, in the story.

The other important aspect here is that just as Jon begins to reveal his appreciation of Sansa’s romanticism, her qualities as a lady and her love for songs, Sansa is slowly beginning to lose those things. First she loses Lady, a loss Jon comprehends on a level that even Ned ignores. She also begins to say things like:

I thought my song was beginning that day. But it was almost done.

There were no heroes. In real life, monsters always win.

There is even a contrasting image of what Jon conjured up on the Wall, when Sansa enters the gardens of the Eeryie. But while she is struck by the beauty of it all just like Jon imagined, she also thinks this:

A pure world. I do not belong here.

This is often taken as Sansa saying that her place was in Winterfell but I also think this is Sansa internalizing her abuse to such a degree that she no longer feels worthy or “pure”. *cue me ugly crying here*

In order for her to regain those aspects of herself that abuse and isolation have stripped away from her, she’s going to need someone who knew just how important those characteristics were as well as have a true appreciation for them. Need I say more …

In Sansa’s case, the most moving aspect of her thoughts on Jon is that she considers things that others don’t, for whatever reason. All the Stark children think fondly on Jon when they think of him but Sansa finds herself wondering about his actual, current situation. 

This quote here in particular is immensely interesting:

If this was what the Night's Watch was truly like, she felt sorry for her bastard half brother, Jon.

Faced with the reality of what the Night’s Watch actually is, instead of the brave and heroic Black Knights she was lead to believe protected the realm from unknown “invaders”, Sansa feels sorry for Jon. The reason why this is so moving to me is because it encapsulates Jon’s entire Night’s Watch drama. He goes to the wall thinking he’s going to join this illustrious and respectable Brotherhood of honorable Knights only to be faced with the reality of a group of thieves and rapists or simple, poor boys forced to go to a place where they’ll likely starve, freeze to death or be murdered because they had no other choice. Talk about a rude awakening! And Sansa of all people is the one that acknowledges this and empathizes with Jon’s plight.

And then there’s the famous:

She had not thought of Jon in ages. He was only her half brother, but still . . . with Robb and Bran and Rickon dead, Jon Snow was the only brother that remained to her. I am a bastard too now, just like him. Oh, it would be so sweet, to see him once again.

This is quite the leap Sansa made from this:

It would have been easier if Arya had been a bastard, like their half brother Jon. She even looked like Jon, with the long face and brown hair of the Starks, and nothing of their lady mother in her face or her coloring. And Jon's mother had been common, or so people whispered.

Every anti-Sansa commentary circles back to her derision of Jon as a bastard. And you can clearly see in the second quote just how low an opinion she had of the position to begin with. She even thinks Jon’s mother must have been common, because how else would he have ended up a bastard? Also Arya’s attitude disturbs her to such a degree that she thinks it would have been easier if Arya had been a bastard as well.

But easier how? I think the answer is that if Arya had been a bastard, Sansa would have been able to find a more suitable place for her in her world view. She’s been trained to think that bastards by nature are lacking in some way, are less suitable for respectable society than legally born children and because Arya’s behavior is so out of the spectrum of what she’s been led to believe is “normal”, bastardhood would have offered an explanation.

And so I must ask, is it a coincidence that Sansa finds herself in the position of becoming a bastard herself? Of suffering people’s suspicions of her nature, their insults and humiliations? Is it GRRM punishing her for the thoughts that her society put in her head since she was old enough to speak? Or is it perhaps a way for her to understand Jon’s situation and his frustrations in a way that she could never do before? Is it likely she’ll think the same of him, after her own experiences? And after conveniently spending part of her Eeryie arc around two other bastards?

There’s already a marked difference between the Alayne quote and the Night’s Watch quote in terms of how she refers to him. In the Night’s watch quote she calls him “her bastard half brother” which feels like overkill, like she has to clearly state his exact position to keep it straight in her head, lest she slip and think of him in a more affectionate way. In the Alayne quote she abandons the “bastard” before “half brother” all together and then brings it up as a way for her to breach the divide she most assuredly knows is there.

It would be easy to imagine Sansa saying to Jon: “I was a bastard just like you. I understand now.” in order to try and forge a relationship with him, once they’re reunited.

On love:

These quotes are obviously not Jon and Sansa thinking about each other but I do think there’s something interesting about how they connect.

When Sansa is dealing with the Tyrells and thinking about a possible marriage to Willas Tyrell, this is the image that she comes up with of her married life:

She pictured the two of them sitting together in a garden with puppies in their laps, or listening to a singer strum upon a lute while they floated down the Mander on a pleasure barge.

On the other hand, Jon has started a relationship with Ygritte, he just had sex for the first time and is a very young man. This is the time he should probably work on perfecting his first imagined porno flick. However, this is what he thinks about:

If I could show her Winterfell…give her a flower from the glass gardens, feast her in the Great Hall, and show her the stone kings on their thrones. We could bathe in the hot pools, and love beneath the heart tree while the old gods watched over us.  

Both of these quotes have very little to do with their respective partners. Sansa has never met Willas. He might be allergic to puppies for all she knows. On the other hand, Jon knows that him doing any of the things he wants to do with Ygritte would be impossible because she’s not the type of woman to be gifted flowers, be dined in the Great Hall or appreciate the stone kings that are probably responsible for keeping her people beyond the wall for centuries.

However, looking at both those quotes, what stands out is just how similar they are. Both Jon and Sansa conjure images of domestic bliss, filled with romance and tranquility. Also, for some strange reason, both Jon and Sansa think of being with their respective partners in water … Granted, Sansa also wants puppies and she doesn’t think about making love beneath the stars but she’s a sheltered and very young girl who thinks kissing is about the most risqué thing you can do.

You can kind of see just how easily both their fantasies could fit together in a way that wouldn’t rob one or the other of what they want.

Lastly, I’ll leave you with this:

If I could show her Winterfell…give her a flower from the glass gardens …

One of the main reasons why Sansa became romantically interested in Loras Tyrell was because he gifted her a rose at the joust. Jon wants to woo his lady love with flowers from the glass gardens. I say they should just skip the middle man. Also, Jon should get a hold of some puppies to seal the deal … And maybe some kittens too … It’s important to be original, after all.

*gifs do not belong to me!

[boyfriem-moved]

the foxhole court bad

(aka the eden’s twilight chapter is gross, the thanksgiving chapter is also gross, andriel is an abusive ship, and nicky and andrew are two terrible people being terrible to each other, a passionate essay by a dude who’s real sick and tired of this garbage)

I was gonna try to reread the whole series so I could factually and definitively prove that tfc sucks once and for all but after 2 chapters I concluded that reading it again was killing my last 3 brain cells, so I stuck with rereading the worst two chapters and gathering a few other moments I thought were noteworthy, and we’re just gonna have to go from there. I’m gonna discuss a bunch of stuff so I’m putting the entire meta under the cut. Also! If you have no idea what tfc is and follow me for other reasons but are intrigued by my hatred I doubt you could get through this whole thing without being bored. I’ve made a couple short posts saying what’s wrong with tfc, most recently this one here, which you could read instead of this long ass mess. 

If you know nothing about tfc and still wanna read, trigger warning for mentions of drug abuse, rape, physical abuse, emotional/psychological abuse, sexual abuse (both of children and adults... well of one adult who was once a child), actually. all abuse. just. don’t read if you’re triggered by any general categories of abuse

You still here? So sorry about that. Now let’s get going! 

I can’t deny that there’s some sort of appeal to tfc. “Sports team for fucked up weirdos” is an interesting concept and one that can draw you in, if it’s done well. But Nora Sakavic thrives on shock value and can’t write to save her life, so it’s not done well. It’s done very, very badly. Now I’m not here to complain about the terrible writing (even though I could, believe me). I’m here to complain about how Nora writes like she gets into tumblr discourse with teenagers and makes anti blocklists. So we’ll just go in chronological order, because I think it makes the most sense that way. 

Eden’s Twilight

Up until the Eden’s Twilight chapter, the bad parts are more or less excusable. Andrew is...being Andrew, but the book has just begun, and as long as he doesn’t get any worse he’s bound to have some character development soon (which ha funny joke but we’re hopeful, the night’s still young). Nicky is likable and seemingly the good guy who’s said maybe a couple iffy things, Aaron isn’t noteworthy (and boy does he stay that way), and we haven’t seen much of Kevin’s “fun alcoholism” yet. 

And then there’s Eden’s Twilight.  The setup to the chapter has a couple interesting moments, most notably Nicky pushing Neil to take out his contacts despite the knowledge that it makes him deeply uncomfortable because everyone just bends to the fucking whim of Andrew apparently (a running theme that I’ll get to later) and a gross bit of setup where Nicky comes onto Neil and Andrew threatens to kill him. 

“...his happy expression faltered when he got a good look at Neil. “Oh man. Neil, you clean up good. Can I say that, or is that against the rules? Just--damn. Aaron, don’t let me get too drunk tonight.” (tfc pg 129)

(Nicky is an adult with a fiancee who he allegedly loves. Neil is 18. Just in case anyone’s forgotten.)

Then they go and buy some drugs! Nora shows a worrying misunderstanding of how drug withdrawal works (Nora do even one ounce of research for your shitty book please ma’am I’m begging you) and they buy some drugs with vague side effects (I have no idea if the stuff they take is based off real world drugs and I’d rather not find out) in a scene that seems unrealistic but I couldn’t tell you for sure (never bought drugs. not about to ask the people in my life who have.). They buy their drugs, Andrew takes some drugs, Nora continues to know nothing about withdrawal, they go to a nightclub! The night is still young!

And now comes the big problem area. 

Their nightclub adventures begin with a complicit bartender who says, “Back so soon, Andrew? Who’s your newest victim?” (tfc pg 133). On a later page it’s established that the bartender was spiking Neil’s drinks and fully aware of everything the siblings planned to do (as is routine with them? apparently?) so. Fun guy. 

They do some drugs, drink some alcohol. Neil refuses to do both. Andrew and Nicky are adamant about him doing drugs with them, but he refuses, so they concede. 

“Drink with us if you won’t dust with us,” Nicky said, holding his open packet in one hand and his shot in the other. 

And Neil does. Because there’s no reason not to, really. Andrew’s gang accepted it when he said he didn’t drink. They’ve so far not forced him to do anything he doesn’t want to. He watched the bartender pour his drink. He has no reason to suspect he won’t be fine. 

So, of course, his drink is drugged, and Andrew, Aaron, and Nicky hold him down as he tries to run away. The twins force him onto the dance floor, then leave him with Nicky, reigning defender for World’s Most Predatory Man. 

“Bodies and lights blurred around him, making Neil nauseous. He clawed bloody lines down Nicky’s arm as he fought to get free. Nicky didn’t let go until they’d reached the middle of the dance floor. He pulled Neil up against him and caught Neil’s chin in his fingers to force his head back.  Nicky’s kiss was harder than Neil expected it to be, and there was more than just tongue in it. Beneath the burn of vodka Nicky shared with him was the sweet tang of cracker dust. Neil didn’t mean to swallow, but it hurt too much to hold it in his mouth.  “This is how the game goes,” Nicky said against his lips. “Stop fighting if you want to survive.” (tfc pg 136)

Nicky is a good guy of the story. Not only that, he’s a fan favorite character. This isn’t even a chapter people gloss over to glorify their faves, either. People often point to this chapter and the surrounding scenes as one of the series’ most iconic moments. Neil’s night ends with him paying a bartender to knock him unconscious to put an end to the drugged abuse, which can be found near the top of pretty much everyone’s “top ten iconic Neil Josten moments” lists.  This scene is fucking disgusting. He’s forcefully assaulted, allowed and encouraged by Andrew, who’s supposedly the force keeping Nicky in line, and who told him earlier in the chapter not to try anything. Aaron and Kevin are complicit in this, as is the bartender. As are the rest of the team members and Coach Wymack, even if it’s to a far lesser extent, because though they’re horrified that Andrew and his gang brought Neil to the club, they’re not surprised. For people who seemed to know it was coming, they did an awfully lax job of keeping Neil safe though they claim that’s their top priority, and Wymack hardly reprimands Andrew. And no one even shifts blame towards Nicky, despite the fact that he’s the worst person here out of all of them.

People tend to ignore Nicky in general when it comes to how bad of people all these characters are. Which is weird, because Nicky is a horrific predator, and this scene can’t be excused. Though he never assaults Neil again, he continues to be interested in him up until his lackluster apology (which, by the way, does not excuse his actions in this chapter so fuck off if you’re gonna say it does), and it’s pretty clearly implied that he only stops flirting uncomfortably with Neil (who, side note, is still barely not a child) because Andrew forces him to, and not because of any personal growth. 

This should be the end of my explanation of why these books are terrible. Writing a scene like this, in which the assaulters are the good guys of the story and will, throughout the next three books, improve as people by exactly 0%, is reprehensible. There’s no coming back from that. But some of you obviously disagree, so let’s keep going. 

There’s more scenes like this, one in particular, but I’m gonna talk about it later. My point is just that “token gay character is a blatant predator” is not a good look, especially when written by a straight woman.

Thanksgiving

Nora Sakavic would not know how to write a rape victim if one punched her in the face and told her she was a horrible writer. I wish I didn’t have to say more. But I obviously do, so let’s go. 

(as always: necessary disclaimer that I am not a csa survivor and if anyone out there is and disagrees with me I’m more than willing to hear you out, however, i don’t think it takes one to tell that Nora Sakavic is a Fraud And Hack) 

This one wasn’t quite as hard to reread as the Eden’s Twilight chapter, probably because even though the acts are worse, it doesn’t have a bad message overall. The rapist is, thank god, the bad guy in this one. 

It does, however, have problems. Because Nora is still unable to write about serious issues without incorporating scenes purely for the purpose of shock value. 

Like, y’all, it’s really not hard to say “this character was raped as a child and has problems with consent and intimacy because of it”. You don’t need to bring the rapist into the story and have them rape the character again only for the main characters to walk in on it and kill the rapist with a lacrosse racket. 

Oh yeah, spoilers, that’s exactly what happens.  

The chapter starts out fine. If anything, it’s tame for a chapter of a book out of The World’s Most Unnecessarily Over The Top Book Series. 

The basic setup is: Nicky’s parents have invited him and the twins home for Thanksgiving after being estranged for 5 years. Andrew refuses to go. He won’t tell anyone why, but after a talk with him Neil learns that it’s because he was raped by his stepbrother and when he confided in Nicky’s dad about it, Nicky’s dad told him it was a misunderstanding. 

Y’all know what that is? Perfectly fucking adequate writing. We learn this thing about Andrew’s past. He has, for probably the only time in this entire series, adequate motivation to do something. But Ms. Sakavic, known Fraud And Hack, said fuck that. We need more. We need to really know what Andrew went through. “Like in a longer conversation sequence?” Someone sensible asked. Nora shook her head. “Like in the second worst scene I have ever written because I am a Fraud And Hack.” 

So they go to Nicky’s house for Thanksgiving! This also gives Nora a chance to remind us all that she is a straight woman and Nicky is a gay stereotype. Andrew is on edge the entire time, but Neil manages to keep him under control for the most part. Then we learn that Nicky’s dad invited Andrew’s rapist ex-stepbrother to the house. And than they’re upstairs together. Alone. 

So y’know, Neil and Aaron run upstairs, break down the door, there’s a page and a half of description of the scene of Andrew about to get raped before their very eyes, Aaron kills the rapist with a lacrosse stick (exy stick, whatever), and scene. I’m not gonna quote this one, because I don’t wanna make anyone read it, but it runs roughly from page 215-220 of The Raven King if you wanna see for yourself. Highly recommend against it. It’s nasty. 

This is a chapter that goes from 0-100 in pretty much too seconds. Someone should probably tell Nora that forcing Andrew to have dinner with the man who discredited his rape is enough digging up of his traumatic past. We don’t need to go deeper. She can stop now. She should stop now. We know Andrew’s history of csa at this point. If Nora thought that wasn’t enough, there are a million ways she could go more in depth without doing this. This scene doesn’t even go more in depth. In terms of advancements in the story, all that happens is that Aaron, Kevin, and Nicky find out about Andrew’s past (something that could have happened in so many different ways) and Aaron kills a man (which doesn’t actually matter because it takes no toll on him and is never mentioned again because nora is a fraud and hack). I was appalled and horrified the first time I read it, and rightly so, because that’s it’s only purpose. 

And putting a rape scene in a book for the sole purpose of shocking your readers is just a nasty thing to do. 

Bonus Point: Riko Moriyama Is An Evil Monster And That’s Bad Even If He Is The Villain 

Riko’s an evil monster! Yeah! Obviously! We’re glad he died! He sucks! But...he’s a very badly written evil monster, and I don’t feel like unpacking all of him, but I just want to point to a couple scenes towards the end of The Raven King real quick since they fit with the whole “Nora don’t write about rape like this” theme. 

I’m not gonna quote this one either because it’s Real Gross. But basically, Riko convinces Neil to spend winter break with him by telling him that he arranged for Andrew to get raped over Thanksgiving, and that if Neil doesn’t comply with his terms, he’s paid off one of the doctors at the psych ward Andrew is staying in and will get that doctor to rape him again. 

So that didn’t...need to happen. It’s quite frankly disgusting that Nora wrote all this (the language in this scene is very explicit). It’s disgusting that she couldn’t think of any other way to portray her villain as evil. This is bad writing. Riko doesn’t need to be cartoonishly villainous. It’s unnecessary, it’s over the top, and it’s sickening to read. 

Also? That scene at the end of The Raven King where Riko handcuffs Neil to the bed and like...stabs him and it’s never said he rapes him but he definitely rapes him because Nora’s predatory subtext is more obvious than a slap in the face? That didn’t need to happen either. 

Andriel is a terrible ship, Nora you FRAUD AND HACK

So Andrew and Neil get together in the last book, because every series written by a straight woman needs a super unhealthy gay relationship for fangirls to call cute.

(This one is...weird because a lot of the fanbase are gay themselves, but I’ve heard there’s gay people who like the captive prince too so. i guess it just be like that sometimes.)

I don’t have time to comb through the entire book looking through problematic moments, and I wouldn’t want to. I’m just gonna grab a couple noteworthy scenes in what I hope will make an adequate outline of this fucked up relationship. 

The Foxhole Court starts by setting up a running theme of Everyone Disrespecting Neil’s Boundaries All The Time with Wymack, Andrew, and Kevin coming to his high school and refusing to leave until he agrees to sign on with their Not Lacrosse team. His first meeting with Andrew is when Andrew hits him with a lacrosse racket to forcibly stop him from leaving the locker room, a pretty good encapsulation of the sort of person Andrew is. They spent the next three books allegedly falling in love.

Neil establishes boundaries. Andrew breaks them.

“I don’t need to be persuasive,” Andrew said, putting a hand to Neil’s chest as the elevator slowed to a stop. “You’ll just learn to do what I say.” 

This is on page 33 of tfc, during their second meeting. Andrew establishes that he’s controlling and manipulative pretty damn early. 

A list of other “romantic and iconic” Andriel moments include:

Andrew breaks into Neil’s room and goes through his belongings

Andrew drugs Neil and allows Nicky to assault him (after threatening to kill Nicky if he tried anything??) because he doesn’t trust him

Andrew uses threats of sharing personal information to force Neil to tell him secrets

Andrew is repeatedly physically violent (their first meeting, beating him up at Eden’s Twilight)

Andrew tells Neil’s secrets to the team psychiatrist, knowing full well it’s a betrayal of Neil’s trust

Andrew delights in Neil’s fear and goes out of his way for most of tfc to make him fear for his safety

Andrew didn’t look at Wymack. “Neil wants to come with me.”  A day ago, those words might have been an order or a threat, but today Neil heard only truth. He’d chosen the Foxes. He’d chosen to trust Andrew, whatever that meant and whatever consequences it brought down the road. (tfc pg. 152)

After that quote the moments are harder to spot (read: I reread less of trk and none of tkm so I don’t have any bookmarks to turn to), but they are still there. The last moment there is from trk, so the abuse doesn’t stop, I’m just too exhausted to keep looking. 

And let me be clear, that quote is barely consent. Andrew physically and psychologically abuses Neil into the position he’s in when he surrenders and sides with Andrew on page 152.  This scene takes place right after Eden’s Twilight, and above all of what went down there, Neil has just been forced into telling Andrew more personal information than he’s ever told anyone. After a night of abuse he feels trapped, like resistance is futile, so he gives in. Saying he wants to be part of Andrew’s crew doesn’t count as consent when his hand is being forced. 

Even though scenes towards the end of the series show Neil beginning to learn how to control Andrew and the two of them coming to stand on a more level ground, their relationship is one built on abuse and violence, and it’s important not to forget that. It’s unrealistic that Neil would come to trust Andrew, honestly. And having the abusive, more mature character give Neil his first ever relationship and teach him that he’s gay (or bi, or whatever he is) is not a good look. Especially when this book has everything else I’ve already mentioned. Especially when Nora is, once again, a grown ass straight woman. 

Nicky And Andrew Are Two Terrible People Being Terrible To Each Other And Actually I Hate Both Of Them 

So Nicky’s predatory and Andrew is violent and their relationship is as unhealthy as can get. Andrew’s relationships with Nicky and Aaron are both unhealthy, but Aaron’s much less so, so I’m just gonna get into Nicky today because I’ve been writing for almost 3 hours and I kinda wanna die right about now. 

We’ve already established that I don’t like either of them. But let me be clear, it takes a lot for me to admit that Andrew “knives hidden up my sleeves” Minyard is right in any situation. And yet, in pretty much any situation where he threatens Nicky, it’s easy to see him as the good guy, at least up until a certain point. 

Andrew is a bad person. He’s violent and manipulative and has no regard for people’s boundaries. Nicky is arguably worse, painting himself as the peacemaker while being horrifically predatory. 

(A point on Nicky: Nora spends pretty much all of the first book showing Nicky as predatory, then abandons it entirely for the next two books, making it easy to forget the kind of person he is. Just because the predatory behavior stops doesn’t excuse it. Just because Nora thinks one lousy apology makes Nicky a good person suddenly, doesn’t mean it does.)

I’m gonna paste in a pretty massive chunk of text from the foxhole court, but I think it’s all important, so bear with me. 

“Andrew is scary territorial of him. He punched me the first time I said I’d like to get Kevin too wasted to be straight.” Nicky pointed at his face, presumably where Andrew had decked him. “So yeah, I’m going to crush on safer targets until Andrew gets bored of him. That means you, since Matt’s taken and I don’t hate myself enough to try Seth. Congrats.” “Can you take the creepy down a level?” Aaron asked. “What?” Nicky asked. “He said he doesn’t swing, so obviously he needs a push.” ... “Nicky’s scheming to rape Neil,” Aaron said. “There are a couple flaws in his plan he needs to work out first, but he’ll get there sooner or later.” “You’re such an asshole,” Nicky said as he started for the door. “Wow, Nicky,” Andrew said. “You start early.” “Can you really blame me?” ... Andrew caught Nicky’s jersey in one hand and threw him hard up against the wall... “Hey Nicky,” Andrew said in stage-whisper German. “Don’t touch him, you understand?”  “You know I’d never hurt him. If he says yes-”  “I said no.”  Jesus, you’re greedy,” Nicky said. “You already have Kevin, what does it-” He went silent, but it took Neil a moment to realize why. Andrew had a short knife pressed to Nicky’s jersey...Neil knew Andrew meant it. If Nicky so much as breathed wrong right now, Andrew would cut his lungs to ribbons, any and all consequences be damned. 

 So there’s a lot to unpack there. I loose Andrew at the point where he’s ready to murder, but though he’s extreme as fuck, it’s not like he’s unjustified. We learn later from his backstory why he’s so extreme in shutting down any behavior he sees predatory, and rightfully so. (Even though there’s still Eden’s Twilight soon after this... it’s Nora’s incompetent writing isn’t it.) Nicky is a creep. He’s an adult. He has a fiance. And he’s talking about how he’s going to coerce a teenager into having sex with him because he won’t tell him his sexuality. 

He says he wouldn’t do anything without consent, but we know that’s not true. He’s just saying what Andrew wants to hear. 

And as for Andrew, though his violence is excused by backstory and mental problems, it’s a big fucking deal. He nearly killed his cousin, who we know he feels at least some sort of fondness for, because it’s established at this point that the reason he’s so heavily medicated is for attacking men who threatened Nicky. Would he regret it later? It’s impossible to say. He killed Aaron’s mom and assumed Aaron would be grateful. He’s threatened or attacked pretty much every member of the Not Lacrosse team. And I honestly don’t know what Nora is trying to tell us about him. He gets tamer once he’s permanently off his medication, but he was violent before it. I suppose that’s because by then Neil has learned how to calm him down, but is that the message? Abuse a boy into hanging out with you and eventually he’ll be a boyfriend who knows how to deal with you? 

Nicky is a predator and Andrew is a violent abuser and neither of them are the good guys and that’s the only conclusion I can possibly draw from the way they’re written. 

Assorted noteworthy moments that didn’t fit into any larger part: 

the part in trk where Nicky’s parents are homophobic and he tells them he loves his fiance and this is the moment that’s supposed to make us sympathize with him? “The sexual predator has homophobic Christian parents feel sad for him” nice try Nora but he’s not getting shit in the way of sympathy from me, your straight is showing

the part in tfc when Seth says the f-slur is bad because uh. Nora that’s not your word to say

bonus Nicky is predatory bit: Nicky waggled a hand at Aaron. “Quick, have we said anything totally incriminating these past few months?” “Aside from your endless inappropriate comments about what you’d like to do to [Neil], I don’t think so.” (tfc pg 239) 

Kevin is also manipulative! I felt like covering it would be a bit of a rehash of Andrew and this was getting really long but he continually uses exy as leverage to get Neil to do things he feels will put him in danger the same way Andrew uses threats of sharing his secrets. 

bonus bonus Nicky is predatory bit (I’m discovering more and more as I go): Nicky’s stare was appreciative when Neil returned, but for once he kept his mouth shut. (tfc pg 243) Is this supposed to be character growth? Being predatory without explicitly saying anything is barely better Nora!! (Side note, in this same scene Nicky does make a comment about Neil jacking off in the bathroom stall which? Seems kinda bad considering everything else with him?)

I didn’t touch on it very much because no one cares about it and it’s way harder to convince people poor writing about drug abuse is bad than poor writing about sexual assault is bad (even though it shouldn’t be, and i could have tried both but again. long post) but Nora’s attitude to drugs and alcohol is bad. Every character and their mom is addicted to something, with Kevin and Andrew being the most obvious touched on (also Seth but I don’t think anyone cares about him), and Nora’s attitude towards writing it is quite frankly disgusting. She’s offensively misinformed and it pisses me off to no end. But that’s a rant for another day.

Every sex scene between Neil and Andrew is gross. (I think there’s two of them from what I remember? At least two, maybe more.) I googled plenty and I couldn’t find Nora’s age anywhere, but I know for a fact that she’s an adult, and I also know the series took her 13 years to write, so I’m fairly sure she’s at least in her 30s. 

I know I said I wasn’t gonna complain about bad writing but. It’s so bad y’all, and I honestly think it gets worse as the books go along. Every time Neil monologued it took a year off my life. 

So yeah. There’s a lot that’s fucked up about the foxhole court. And the worst part of it is that it never gets better. Andrew makes marginal improvement, but Nicky never does. Nora writes shock value scenes until the series end (I didn’t write about the scene in tkm where Neil gets tortured because it’s the same shock value effect of the thanksgiving chapter in a different sort of way but it’s also bad). I am of the honest belief that this book is far too fucked up to salvage. This is my official tfc bad masterpost, because every time I criticize it someone wants to know more. But I’m also putting it in the fandom tags because it annoys me to no end that y’all support these books, and I’m hoping I can at least change someone’s mind. 

[writesandramblings]

The Captain’s Secret - p.81

“Pineapple Surprise”

A/N: Continues with episode 12, "Vaulting Ambition."

By the way, the pineapple is based on a WiFi Pineapple, which is a real thing fellow viewers of HBO's Silicon Valley will be familiar with. That it also happens to be Malcolm Reed's favorite food is just the most lovely coincidence you could ask for.

Full Chapter List Part 1 - Objects in Motion << 80 - People They Fall Apart 81 - How Not to Be Afraid When You’re a Ghost >>

The pineapple was not edible, even from Lalana's rather broad perspective on the subject. It was a device a bit bigger than a basketball assembled from various communications components that Groves explained as a "system Trojan horse that hijacks transmissions, grabs security and access codes as it passes them along, and gives them to you."

It was also a complete and utter mess. Whatever Groves' skills, fabrication was not among them. Parts were taped together and fragile antennae jutted out at potentially risky angles. Because Groves had assembled it in his lap instead of on a flat surface, it did not lay flat and was in constant danger of rolling around and breaking, so Lalana sat with it in the copilot seat, her tail holding it still.

Amazingly, it had passed its first test already. No one had authorized the shuttle launch on Discovery. The pineapple had bypassed the normal systems protocols entirely. Not that this meant anything. Compared to Terran security protocols, Discovery's systems were virtually unguarded, even with the upgrades installed after the Mudd incident.

Larsson was in the pilot's seat, tapping his finger on the dash in nervousness. While there was no risk of him running into his doppelganger, if anyone recognized him, he would probably end up just as dead. The main point in his favor was that, in both this universe and the one they had come from, he had never made much of a name for himself. He was forty-five years old, a bachelor, and had stalled out at the rank of lieutenant. All his shipmates were dead twice over and since they were most of the people he knew in his universe, it stood to reason the situation was much the same here.

Still. He was also a six-foot-four Swede, so those people who did meet him tended to remember it. "If we don't survive this..."

"We are going to survive this," said Lalana.

Larsson looked at her with an annoyed expression that said it was his turn to talk. "I'm just saying. If we don't survive this, same thing you said to those idiots. It's been a pleasure."

Lalana clicked her tongue. "Emellia is one of the smartest humans in Starfleet."

"Yes, well, someone who needs help putting her uniform on straight is an idiot in all the ways that count," said Larsson. Lalana's tongue clicks sped up to a rapid flurry. It was as true now as it had been when they first met nine years ago: Larsson was not a nice person, but Lalana liked that about him. The shuttle beeped. "Ah, security checkpoint. Time to find out if that thing's worth its weight in anything."

Some lights flashed on the pineapple. A comm channel opened. "Discovery shuttlecraft, transmitting encrypted coordinates. Engage your autopilot."

"Copy," said Larsson, and closed the channel. He sat back in his seat. "Unbelievable. It worked."

"Did you think it would not? John is almost as smart as Emellia."

After bunking with Groves for the better part of seven months, Larsson's impression was that Groves spent all of his time playing games. The fact he had any usefully-developed skills whatsoever came as something of a surprise. Larsson gestured at the pineapple. "Lalana, look at that thing. Did you think it was going to work!?"

"Nnnn," hummed Lalana dubiously, which was her way of avoiding answering.

They sat in silence. The shuttle beeped again, this time to alert them they were arriving. They dropped out of warp as Burnham's shuttle had half an hour earlier and beheld the Charon in all its glory.

Seeing the giant sphere of orange energy that powered the Charon, Larsson swore in Swedish. "What the hell is that?"

Lalana stared at it with unblinking eyes. She recognized the particles. "Mushrooms," she said.

"Why is everything food," grumbled Larsson. And all of it inedible at that.

Lalana and the pineapple went into the waiting crate, as usual, alongside a phaser set to stun, but when Larsson went to close the crate, Lalana stopped him with her tail on his arm. "Did you notice the captain changed after the Buran?"

"What?" There wasn't time for this. "Changed how?"

"If you have to ask, you did not notice," said Lalana cryptically and withdrew her tail. Larsson closed the crate.

Maybe the captain had changed after the Buran, but so had Larsson. He had lost most of the people he considered friends when it went down. Kerrigan, Arzo, even Morita and Yoon. The universe seemed so much colder in the aftermath of that tragedy.

Some part of Larsson felt he should have died with them. Knowing that he had done so in this universe was both a comfort and a reinforcement of this fact. As far as he was concerned, he owed Lalana his life, such as it was, because that one little history project had changed the course of his fate.

Larsson was standing at the ready when the shuttle touched down and the door opened. The dockworker who approached glared and demanded to know the purpose of Larsson's visit and the nature of his cargo.

"Delivery," said Larsson. "Cargo's above my security clearance, so I assume it's above yours. Now show me where I can find Macarius O'Malley to deliver this thing and make it fast. If Captain Killy hears that you kept me waiting, god help us both."

It worked. Even on the almighty imperial flagship, everyone knew and feared this universe's Sylvia Tilly.

There remained a Klingon prisoner in Discovery's brig.

Her name was L'Rell. She had been at the Battle of the Binary Stars as a follower of T'Kuvma, the original master of the now-vanquished Sarcophagus, whose vision of a united Klingon Empire she shared. When Michael Burnham had fired the phaser that claimed T'Kuvma's life, L'Rell had clung to that vision as fervently as she did T'Kuvma's chosen successor, the albino outcast Voq, Son of None.

Voq represented everything T'Kuvma envisioned. A warrior of great strength and honor, he had risen to his position not because of any politics or impressive bloodline, but on sheer merit. That was what made T'Kuvma such a visionary: that he would ignore the house of one's birth and judge you by your own worth. That was a foundation for a strong empire.

But when T'Kuvma fell, the other Klingon houses refused to follow Voq. They listened to T'Kuvma only out of regard for his noble origins and Voq did not share this illustrious birthright. The other houses did not see a war with the Federation as a cause for unification but as an opportunity for personal glory. Kill the Starfleet scum not because Starfleet's malodorous ethos stood counter to everything that was pure and Klingon, but because doing so grew your personal renown as a warrior and increased the repute of your house.

As the turmoil of the disparate houses consumed them all, Kol of House Kor had seized the opportunity to fill the power vacuum with a vision of his own, a vision of himself and his own house's greatness. He was a factionalist through and through and his rise was a guarantee that outcasts like Voq would never be seen as worthy or equal, that strength and power would be forever tied to the blood of your parents.

There was nothing she or Voq could do to stop Kol.

So L'Rell had pledged herself to Kol and stood beside him, said the words Kol wanted to hear, and took on the role he assigned for her. Torturer, warden, shepherd of the war prisoners. In this task she had learned the true depth of human wretchedness. Rather than stand proud and tall and die in battle, humans would scurry and cling to life by any means possible, like vermin. They did not possess the sort of honor that lived in the hearts of all true Klingons.

She spoke the words of allegiance to Kol, but in her heart, she followed Voq. With him she hatched a plan to destroy Starfleet from within, avenge T'Kuvma, and put Kol in his place.

She harvested the DNA of Ash Tyler and used it to reconstruct Voq in Tyler's image. She harvested the mind of Ash Tyler and used it to craft the perfect disguise—a disguise that was perfect because it was not a disguise at all. For all intents and purposes, there was no Voq. There was only Tyler, oblivious to his own true nature.

When they captured the captain of Discovery, it was no accident that he found himself imprisoned in the same room as her creation. Their subsequent escape was also no accident. L'Rell waited to hear from Voq again with news that would assist them in completing their ultimate aims.

No news came. Weeks turned to months. She realized Voq was lost and began to search for a way to escape Kol.

Kol brought her a Starfleet admiral to interrogate and she saw an opportunity. With a prisoner of such high rank and value, she could defect. Even if the Federation represented everything she hated, she could not stand by and watch Kol poison what she loved from the inside. The admiral, Cornwell, was amenable to the defection, coupled as it was with her own escape.

But Kol discovered L'Rell's quiet disloyalty and locked her up alongside Cornwell. It seemed like the end had finally come.

Until in walked Burnham and Tyler, come to rescue Cornwell. L'Rell looked at Tyler and spoke the words that should have awoken Voq within him.

The words did not work. Her carefully-planted trigger failed. Tyler remained Tyler, and in Tyler's mind, which contained only confusing flashes of what she and Voq had shared, she was a rapist and a torturer who had used him in deplorable ways.

Beset by terrible prospects at every turn, L'Rell took hold of Cornwell as the humans and Voq beamed away in a last, desperate bid to escape.

She had been locked up in Discovery's brig ever since.

As Saru stood in front of her cell, L'Rell learned the ultimate outcome of her long machinations. Voq, her paragon of true Klingon virtue, her leader and her love, was now irreversibly broken.

And she had done this to him. Her trigger words had not worked properly, but they had worked on some level. The two psyches held within Voq's grey matter were now locked in a battle that threatened to destroy them both.

Saru sought to remedy this. "I do not know where your Voq ends and our Tyler begins, but they are both in jeopardy. The question is, will you ease their pain?"

He beamed Tyler into her cell. He was barely conscious and covered in self-inflicted wounds. L'Rell clung to him, appalled at this pathetic thing in her arms, appalled at herself for turning Voq into this.

"It can be undone!" she wailed. "But only my hands can tend to him."

As she sought to undo her terrible achievement in Discovery's sickbay, she could hear Voq ranting in barely-coherent Klingon, reciting bits and pieces of Klingon scripture. It was impossible, she realized. She could not shed Tyler's mind from Voq's. She could only quiet them together.

She did so. Voq switched to the voice of Ash Tyler and called for Burnham and spoke Klingon no more. In that moment, L'Rell knew she would never see or hear Voq again. She let out a wail of grief and fury.

Commander Macarius O'Malley, Imperial interrogator, answered the door to his workshop with a scowl and found himself dwarfed by a giant of a man carrying a large crate and accompanied by an Imperial guard wearing docks livery. "What!" he shouted at them both.

"Delivery from the Discovery," said Larsson. "Captain Tilly asked me to bring it to you personally. Where would you like me to put it?"

O'Malley stared at the crate. The O'Malley in this universe had a perpetually angry, haggard look. "Tilly? What the hell does that miserable bitch want now."

"I don't know, I'm just the errand boy," said Larsson.

"Tch," went O'Malley. "I really hate that girl. She's the worst. Set it down over here."

The workshop was dark save for a single, yellow light in the middle illuminating a blood-stained slab with multiple restraints. A tray of equally bloody tools stood next to it. Larsson followed O'Malley over to the dark shape of a table against the wall. The door slid shut automatically behind him. O'Malley gestured for Larsson to put the crate down on the floor next to the table.

"It had better not be severed heads again. I can't extract information if she removes the heads from the bodies first."

Larsson opened the crate and took a step back. "See for yourself," he said.

The offer was entirely insincere. O'Malley began to lean forward and Larsson slid sideways, wrapping his arm around O'Malley's shoulders and clamping a hand over O'Malley's mouth to prevent him summoning help. The hand was so large it fully eclipsed the lower half of O'Malley's face. Pinning O'Malley's arms to his side, Larsson pulled O'Malley tightly against his chest and whispered in his ear, "Don't struggle. I won't kill you so long as you play nice, all right? You're going to go to sleep, and when you wake up, this will be like a bad dream. But try anything, and you can forget the bad dream. I'll make it a waking nightmare. Got it?"

O'Malley nodded. Lalana hopped out of the crate, phaser curled up in her tail, and O'Malley's eyes went wide with shock at the sight of her inhuman form. He squirmed, but not in a manner indicating he was trying to free himself, simply because he was entirely unnerved and panicking.

The panic did not last. Larsson tightened his arm around O'Malley's neck until O'Malley went limp. Lalana watched with knocking hands. "I am glad you were able to do that. I truly did not wish to have to shoot him. He has the face of a friend."

"Well I have no compunctions about it," commented Larsson. "He's not my friend." Lalana's hands slowed and she clicked a few times, finding some sort of consolation in the cruel amusement.

Larsson administered a sedative they had brought with them for this occasion and picked O'Malley up like a rag doll, strapping him down to his own torture table as an extra precaution in case the sedative wore off too quickly.

"Well, good news is, he sounds just like our colonel. Guess we wasted ourselves a trip."

"Nonsense," said Lalana. "We could not take that chance. What if he had a lisp, or was missing teeth, or slurred his words due to partial facial paralysis, or had grown up on a different region of Earth—"

"All right, I get it!" cried Larsson, throwing up his hands. "Do your magic."

Lalana reached into a pocket on her thermal suit and withdrew a small object the size of a bottlecap—a phonemic modulator. She attached it to her translator and addressed the Charon's computer. The voice from her translator came out sounding like O'Malley. It was a trick she had learned many years ago from the original Lorca and refined during her work for Starfleet Intelligence in the intervening years. Larsson shuddered at the freakishness of it. "Computer, locate Gabriel Lorca."

The voiceprint combined with the pineapple gave them all the access they needed.

They dragged Lorca to a private torture chamber. It was a dark room lit by strips of blue lighting running up the walls, high ceilings to make the screams echo. "Check his pockets," one of the two agonizer technicians ordered the guards. Sometimes people smuggled weapons into agony booths and made their displeasure against those charged with operating the booths entirely too evident.

They found it, of course. The insignia that had once belonged to this universe's Michael Burnham, to his Michael Burnham. The technician turned it over in her fingers and smiled. The emperor would be pleased with this. One of the guards, too, realized its significance. He outranked the technician and ordered the insignia turned over to him so he could deliver it personally and curry some small favor with their tyrannical leader.

They shoved Lorca into the agony booth. Burnham's nerve dampener worked wonders. Lorca stood in the booth, energy crackling across his skin, and screamed almost believably at the sensation.

Almost. Anyone who had heard his screams on the Shenzhou could tell there was a certain degree of desperate urgency lacking in the noises he was currently making. His throat was not being ripped raw and he sounded a little like Burnham had, shouting for shouting's sake. His movements, too, were not the same fervently uncontrollable spasms they had been previously. His arms shook, but with the uneven, occasionally distracted staccato of someone who was playing up the shaking intentionally and losing track of the action every so often.

Turned out that faking agony was harder than actually enduring it. It required an ongoing empty vigilance that bored him. Some part of him was beginning to think he should feign unconsciousness just for a change of pace, but he had to keep the ruse going because he suspected Georgiou was watching, and besides, he had a reputation to maintain.

At least this time he had an awareness of his surroundings. Back on the Shenzhou, pain had consumed everything. Here, he was able to keep track of the pair of techs at the agony booth controls, carefully balancing the power levels against his vitals to ensure their emperor's prized adversary remained as painfully alive as possible. If his stress levels seemed a little low, well, that was only because this was the great Gabriel Lorca. They could hear him screaming well enough. That was proof they were doing their jobs.

He was equally aware of the doors opening and Larsson arriving, but he could not hear the exchange of words that followed.

Larsson's greeting to the two techs was all business. "Interrogator's on his way," he announced, managing to ignore the sight and sound of Lorca's performance almost entirely. "I have his tools. You may want to make yourselves scarce. He's in a terrible mood and might want to use someone as a... demonstration."

The two booth technicians at the console exchanged a look. They seemed less than wholly convinced, but then the comms in the room sounded and O'Malley's voice rang out: "Lieutenant! You had better be there by the time I arrive or—"

The technicians made themselves scarce.

In the booth, Lorca saw the door close behind the technicians. He continued shouting and tried to indicate to Larsson that they were being monitored, but Larsson was not paying attention. He set down the crate he was carrying and up popped Lalana.

Lorca let the exaggerated scream on his lips peter out into sharp grunts of discomfort. He stood in the agony booth, red lightning dancing across his skin, still shuddering and jerking at the painful sensation, but entirely in control. He pounded on the doors. "Monitors!" he shouted at them, angry and disappointed.

Larsson went to the console and turned off the booth. Lalana opened the door with her tail.

"Gabriel," she said in light chastisement, "this is not my first mission." Except the voice was not hers, it belonged to O'Malley. Lorca was aghast. She brushed her tail over her translator, removing the modulator and returning her voice to its usual tone. "Apologies. It was a useful subterfuge. We should be clear for six minutes." The pineapple was still giving her and Larsson significant access to systems in its immediate proximity and she had used this access to construct a video loop.

Lorca let out a sigh of proud relief and smiled broadly at her. "You made it."

"Did you doubt me?"

He had. This universe had been making mincemeat of Burnham and she was human and had a place in it. He was gratified to know Lalana was faring better. "Did you get everything?"

"All relevant files have been downloaded to our pineapple," Lalana reported.

The word threw Lorca. He frowned in disgusted confusion.

"Don't ask," said Larsson.

Lorca shook his head. There was no time to dwell on any of this. "All right. Burnham's gonna be dining with the emperor. We'll want to move then." He knew Georgiou would not move against Burnham during dinner and that no one would dare disturb Georgiou while the meal was in progress. Dinners were oddly sacred to Georgiou. He'd endured enough of them to know. "Let's say... 1945. And be ready for a fight."

"Aye, sir," said Larsson.

"Just keep yourselves safe until then."

"Einar will hide nearby. I will remain here with you," said Lalana.

"Hang on a—"

"This is not a negotiation," said Lalana. "I have not come all this way to lose sight of you now."

There were no hiding places in the room. Lorca pointed this out.

"Hiding is not about finding a place, it is about making yourself one with your surroundings," said Lalana. She turned and went to the darkest corner of the room. Lorca and Larsson watched as she ascended the bend in the walls with the ease of a gecko. She climbed all the way up into the top of the corner, a good five meters from the ground, using the tension of her legs and hands against the walls to hold herself in place. She pressed herself as far back into the corner as she could and shifted colors, becoming a faint ghost of an outline with two giant green eyes staring down at them. The eyes were a dead giveaway, of course, but then something slid over her eyes and they vanished. The broad, flat end of her tail.

He recalled the forest in San Francisco. Back then, she had melded herself into natural patterns and textures. This was something else entirely. Even knowing she was there, she was hard to make out. You had to know exactly where and what to look for. If you did not, all you would see was a faint set of smudges. She even somehow folded the surface of her torso to create a false series of planes that mimicked the appearance of the corner's geometry. (Unbeknownst to him, the filaments on her back were also gripping the surface of the walls and ceiling. She was cemented into this spot as surely as she had been attached to the leskos.)

"Honestly, captain," said Larsson, "did you forget who you were dealing with?"

Lorca had not forgotten. He had never known the full extent of what she could do in the first place. For most of the seven months he had known Lalana—including the month in null time—she had been sitting in a lab doing essentially nothing.

"Don't come down until I tell you!" he called up to her.

"Then I will enjoy the show," she called back, her voice seemingly disembodied. Lorca stepped back into the agony booth and closed the door on himself. He signaled Larsson to turn it back on. He was a little miffed to see Larsson did not hesitate.

As the red crackle reappeared across Lorca's skin, Larsson picked up the crate with the pineapple. "Try not to die, either of you," he bellowed at them as he walked out.

In the hallway, he addressed the door guards. "Hey, those two who were here, get them back here pronto. Emperor cancelled the interrogation. If she finds out they left..." He left the suggestion open-ended and strode away, smiling to himself as he heard one of the guards recall the two techs to their post. With any luck, they would be close enough to their positions on the video loop for the seven-second "glitch" Lalana had programmed into the loop's terminus to feel believable.

Larsson made his way back towards O'Malley's dim little workshop. It was a fair distance from the torture chamber, but it was a confirmed safe position. Right now, that was his main priority. Get somewhere quiet and lay low.

Only problem was, a six-foot-four Swede was a lot harder to hide than a lului. As he retraced his steps, Larsson walked past an intersecting hallway and the person down at the other end could scarcely believe her eyes. She immediately touched the nearest wall console and opened a comm line. "Captain Maddox," she said. "You're never going to believe who I just saw."

Part 82

[ablogthatishenceforthmine]

Happy Death Day Thoughts

- So going into this movie, I thought I was going to like it. I had heard good things about it. I also had this idea that it was written by a women, and that it would deal with feminist things. Both these things turned out to be wrong, and I have no idea where I got this impression. Maybe I was mixing it up with another film, but anyway, for about half of the film’s runtime I thought it was written by a women. But then it became clearer and clearer than it was written by a man.

- So these will mostly be negative thoughts and criticisms. So I did want to start with some things I liked. For the first 2/3, the movie was generally enjoyable. IT held my attention and I was never bored. There are some good funny moments, and a really enjoyed Tree, the protagonist. I think there is something there in her journey, but I think it could have been executed better. Jessica Rothe is really really great in it, and is probably the best thing about the film. She just brings this great energy, along with nailing the emotional stuff. I’ve seen her a bit in the new TV series Utopia, and I hope she keeps getting tasked in more things because I think she really has something.

- So, thinking this film was written by a women, I thought there were many tropes being set up in the beginning that were going to be subverted. In the beginning of the film, there is such attention paid to boys/men looking at Tree or making gross comments about her. And it seems like the film is setting up all these creepy men around her. There’s the professor she’s having an affair with, and the guy that is angry over her ignoring his texts after they’ve only gone on one date. And then there’s Carter, who we are lead to believe slept with Tree when she was very drunk, aka rape. But, the film doesn’t do anything interesting with these. In fact, it doesn’t seem to comment on any of these incidents, or this pattern at all. It sets up with pattern of men being creepy or inappropriate or objectifying towards Tree, and that’s it. It’s not a commentary on anything, it’s not a theme of the movie. It’s just seemingly there fore no reason, except for window dressing I guess.

- In fact, the film actually ends up saying that most of these creepy men aren’t so creepy after all. We find out that Carter didn’t rape Tree; he just let her crash in his dorm bc he was worried about her. We find out that Tim is gay, and thus, isn’t the creepy, entitled stalker the film painted him in the beginning. Gregory is still portrayed as a bad guy, but the film still minimizes his actions. The film paints his worst action as simply cheating on his wife, minimizing and not even acknowledging how predatory sleeping with one of this students is. His sin is just the cheating, not having an affair with a student. The film never acknowledges how sleeping with Tree is an abuse of power. Hell, it doesn’t even acknowledge the power dynamic inherent in this relationship at all. Tree and Gregory’s are framed as equally wrong in their affair, which ignores the power dynamic and inappropriateness of their relationship. This affair is just one of the examples of Tree being a bad person, ignoring the way that Gregory is taking advantage of her. So the film sets up all these creepy men in the beginning only to tell us that we were wrong about them, and hey, they’re not that bad after all.

- And now onto Carter, by least favorite part of the film, which is no fault of the actor, who is charming enough. So, Carter is the “nice guy.” At first, I thought the film was setting up the “nice guy” trope to subvert it later, but... that turned out not to be the case, and the film was playing this trope completely straight. I thought their had to be a twist with Carter. I thought he was going to be the killer. The film kept going out of it’s way to emphasize how his niceness, especially in ways that felt superficial.  I thought, yes, this film is going to be a commentary on the “nice guy” who is actually not so nice. But nope, the film is in just in love with how “nice” Carter is. Even though the things he does aren’t especially nice, but are just common decency. It’s a low bar to clear. And the film lauds Carter as so great, and the gold-standard of guys, for just being decent. It’s so sad. Men shouldn’t be praised and given prizes for being being misogynistic assholes. That should be a minimum requirement! Worse, the “nice” act is is praised most for is... not raping Tree. Like we are supposed to think he is such a great guy for not raping her. It’s infuriating. He shouldn’t get points and cheers for not being a rapist. By not raping her, he is showing the most basic of human decency, not this extraordinary kindness that the film frames it is. Anyway, the film would have been 500% better if Carter turned out to be the killed.

- Which brings me to who the real killer is: Tree’s roommate. I hate this reveal. And I hate the third act, which is just a mess and doesn’t make sense. The whole involvement of the serial killer thing is over the top and stupid. It’s completely unnecessary and adds nothing to the film except a red herrring. But back to Lori - god, what a terrible trope. She’s just a jealous psycho bitch. This trope is made even worse by the fact that Lori is Latino, so her character plays into both sexist and racist stereotypes. It’s just so disappointing, awful, and dumb. That the answer of this big mystery that drives the whole film is that a crazy, jealous women is trying to kill her roommate for sleeping with the professor she’s in love with. It’s so melodramatic. For the film to set up all these possible creepy male villains, only to say, that no, those guys aren’t actually bad, the real bad guy is this crazy, jealous bitch... it’s just so infuriating

- I saw sooooooo much potential in this film, and I’m really disappointed that it turned out the way it did. What could have been a really fun, feminist film just turned out to be a kinda sexist dud.

[fictionalcharactermbti]

Petyr Baelish: ENTJ [Game of Thrones] 2017 Follower Favorite Winner

Dominant Extraverted Thinking {Te}

Petyr Baelish judges based on impersonal practical knowledge. He sees the standards of the game, society, of power. Despite his possible cheating of the rules which will be covered in Ni, he does indeed work within them, which is probably why he has lived so long, unlike traditionalists like Ned Stark. Petyr will often put his personal life and feelings aside for the execution of plans and decision making in order to survive and acquire power. 

As much as the system has worked against him growing up he believes in the structural integrity around him and performs everyday to meet these societal standards. Despite his feelings for Sansa (however, one would describe them) he brings her to Ramsey Bolton despite knowing what this man does in his personal life. He is mentally able to tell himself he loves her and to give her to this man in order to make political alliances and for his and Sansa’s power to grow. For all of them to meet the standards of society and play the rules of monarchy. 

He loses sight of his and Sansa’s needs in order to accomplish his goal. This can make him seem selfish and cold, however, he ignores not only the feelings and will of others, but his own. We see this despite his love of Catelyn, he had no problem with the husband she loved dying in order to meet bigger aims. Notice Petyr often makes choices that on a personal level don’t serve him well. 

He requires hard facts when he deals with anything. He needs evidence and facts in order to be persuaded of anything. He does not make a move based off of a whim, a gut feeling, or an appeal to emotions. In fact, his dominant Te gives him the gift of a deep emotional privacy that few get access to.

This is part of why Te dominance sees the showing of emotions as weakness or childishness. This could be why we see him being more attracted to Sansa as she grows more empty. Petyr is also not one to lend an ear or talk about feelings. His dominant Te makes him extraverted but he is only talkative when describing or solving problems. Hence, why as an ENTJ he is not often very expressive.

Petyr often annoys viewers and characters because he is often neutral in expression or only expressive when dealing out some critical assessment. In the newer episodes we see this with his conversations with Sansa. Sansa knows what she is doing, to be afraid of Cersei, but this is the way Petyr communicates and struggles to show he cares (in whatever form he truly does).

Secondary Introverted iNtuition {Ni}

This is why Petyr does not follow the rules of game and existing structures blindly. Ni helps him see around corners, to go down the most efficient route. This is the motivator and streamlines his goals and tactics. Te makes him use evidence for utility purposes, but combined with his Ni we get his deep imagination. However, when this function is healthy it should help him recognize the importance of inner meaning and priorities as all introverted perception provides for dominant extraverted judgers. 

It doesn’t in his case as he is, surprise, unhealthy. He uses Ni as a problem solving tool, only. He uses it as an assist to his Te. We see this most in one of his latest quotes, “Everyone is your friend, everyone is your enemy. Imagine every possibility happening at once. Nothing will surprise you, because it has all happened before.” Now that may seem like some heavy Ni, hence why he is often mistyped as an INTJ. Because of moments like this, but it really is just an ENTJ using his Ni to his Te advantage. He doesn’t prioritize his inner meaning first, nor is he stuck in the theoretical narrative. He is all about that Te utility of getting the plan executed. He uses Ni simply as a tool, an instrument for these Te goals. Hence, why we only see strong Ni when used to get an advantage on others.

Because of this Ni vision he does see all the elements of a situation and his Te makes him actually unbiased. This makes him a pretty good adviser. But that lack of bias means that he isn’t on your side or someone else’s side. This is the dangerous path of trusting Petyr. His Te is impersonal to a fault. He likes Tyrion, he likes Jon Snow, he may just love Sansa, but he doesn’t let that get in the way of his Te judgments and execution of plans. 

It is his Ni that conflicts with his dominant Te. Petyr feels special and outside the framework people judge using Te. It makes him feel that no one really knows him, the real inner him. This isn’t helped by the fact that his outsider origins make him never truly accepted by the people who took him in, his not getting to be with Catelyn Stark, and no one at the monarch tables seeing him as an equal. As an ENTJ he assume power, but is often underestimated because of his circumstances. Because of this as an ENTJ his Ni can inspire him to escalate a situation just because he can. Petyr often does this to prove others wrong, to prove he is special, someone to be reckoned with.

On top of this his Te-Ni makes him believe that most people are basically idiots. They are illogical, guided by emotions, reckless, and therefore their opinions don’t matter. ENTJs like Petyr often live by the motto that knowledge is power, which incidentally he explicitly states to Cersei in season 1. This is what really defines him as an ENTJ and not an INTJ, like Varys. While Varys is a spider with his many webs of knowledge he does not seek power, but seeks to play the game for the people as he says to Daenrys. Petyr on the other hand with dominant Te and secondary Ni is more utility focused, rather than focused by the truth. We also see the difference in Petyr being very present when he makes a move, while Varys as an INTJ always stick behind the scenes, using others. He does not seek status, simply a role powerful enough to cast his webs. Petyr on the other hand makes himself known using Ni only when it is useful.

Tertiary Extraverted Sensing {Se}

It is no accident that Petyr gains riches from a brothel. As an unhealthy ENTJ he uses Se for straight up sensations. The very things he is repulsed by others is found in himself. He enjoys the delights of wealth and what they can buy. But being so externally focused with Te-Se, he does not see these possible faults of debauchery within himself.

Se pushes him constantly outward because he doesn’t use his Ni properly. Any problems he has are caused by the outside circumstances around him. He can’t get what he wants because Catelyn’s family, or because of the Lannisters, etc. He finds fault in all but himself. He refuses to look inward to analyze his personal perspective and the perspectives of others.

His Se also makes him very status driven in the way that he needs to constantly maintain his surface image. He is motivated to rise and makes his own crest, the Mockingbird. No matter what goes on in his private life, he must retain his outer role and appearance at all times. We see often how much this is a concern to him. His Te-Se focus often leads him to live two very different lives. The one he shows others and his personal one full of darker impulses. 

Inferior Introverted Feeling {Fi}

As an inferior function, Petyr is afraid of his own Fi, afraid of his own emotions. For him being emotional means being out of control and that he can never be. He pushes the feelings down, finding them illogical and not helpful for his Te aims. 

His Te drives him towards external goals, like his rank and power. It drives him away from his personal goals not driven by impersonal extraverted logical standards. He clearly did have feelings for Catelyn and may have the same for Sansa, but to recognize and express these emotionally are out of his vocabulary. He comes at these things with his Te, which isn’t very romantic or helpful when it comes to people. It serves him well with politics and the game of thrones itself, but not when it comes to love. He even made the impersonal decision of giving away the woman he has feelings for to a rapist in order to stick to the Te goals and tactics. 

He keeps clinging to his Te and Se ignoring his inner self, his inner priorities, and the priorities of others. He doesn’t consult the feelings of others or even himself. He constantly pushes himself to eliminate, ignore, or simply just complain about anything Fi related. He should be above these things that others can’t control. He views himself as above such impulses and irrationality.

[queen-of-hearts92]

Is Kozue unpopular in the Utena fandom? She's my favorite character and most of my friends also like her but when I tried looking for Utena analyses and theories I found people saying Miki should have left her and another person saying she should have "fallen out of the Akio car and died so Akio could have a redemption arc". I understand not everyone's going to love her, and she definitely has her flaws, but this seems a bit extreme. If the fandom does hate her, why?

I…I didn’t think she was unpopular but this is the fucking Utena fandom, the land of many people missing the point and being extremely sexist and slutshaming, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised there are people that hate her outright out there. 

*Reads the quote* *sarcasm mode* Oh yeah totally, the 13 year old girl who at the worst pushed a child predator down the stairs deserves to die while the adult male rapist who horrifically abuses his sister and rapes kids should get a redemption arc, yeah ok *sarcasm mode end*. Anyways, that sentence you just quoted to me is absolutely awful and disgusting, shame on whoever the fuck wrote that. You’re right, thats extreme as fuck. Fuck that person! >8/

And yes thats a good question why in the fresh hell someone would hate her like that but it has an answer that is actually floating around Miki and Kozue’s story and the show as a whole. It’s cause of the Madonna-Whore complex. Basically society often place women into two categories, the Madonna, which is a pure sexless woman who does no wrong, and the Whore, which is an evil lady who has sex all the damn time and is a horrible sinner. Any lady who fails to be a “Madonna” gets seen as a “Whore”. But it’s a double edged sword, cause woman are also expected to be sexually available to men. Breakfast Club puts it very nicely too. In Utena this is talked about A LOT by using the terms Princess (madonna) and Witch (whore). “Those who cannot become a Princess are doomed to become a Witch”. Many of the female characters, especially the secondary ones, run face first into this issue. I find, out of the secondary characters, that Kozue and Shiori exemplify this the most and Kozue exemplifies this the most most. Anddd this lesson on not doing that to people just flies the fuck over some folks heads. 8/

SO the reason why there are those in the fandom who are hateful of Kozue is cause, she’s sexually active and mildly aggressive (I say mildly cause she isn’t really THAT violent let’s be real here) and yup thats it. Some people think Miki is “better” because he has a kinder disposition than the other dudes in the series and they conveniently ignore the fact that he treats his sister like shit. Like even the dating sim game protagonist picks up on this and eventually turns him down at the end of his route cause his projecting weirded her out and she notes multiple times (if you make dialogue choices where you are not rude to Kozue) that Kozue seems sad around him like you guys.

Now Miki doesn’t treat her poorly as in Touga style but he clearly holds her in contempt cause Miki’s whole thing is he dislikes that Kozue isn’t the “sweet innocent girl” he remembers from their childhood. She isn’t want HE wants her to be. So he projects onto others (like Anthy) looking for the ideal twin sister and the saddest part is Kozue KNOWS this. She is very very aware, she makes it obvious she knows during her elevator scene in the Black Rose Arc. And it hurts, Miki rejecting her really hurts. Their parents literally abandoned them so Miki is the only family she has. Kozue sleeps around because when she does Miki gets angry and that gives her attention, anytime they spend together she’s defensive of cause she knows her brother straight up will ignore her most of the time therefore spending time with him is important to her. Their relationship is a mess to put it mildly and some motherfuckers try and be like “ah this twin is evil and this one isn’t” when that isn’t fucking close to being true at all.

Miki and Kozue still care about and love each other, I really think they do, but as they have grown older they don’t really know how to communicate clearly to each other anymore. Miki clings to the past and refuses to acknowledge that he and his sister are growing up. Kozue is ready to grow up and be more independent but she doesn’t want to do so without her brother and she tries to tackle adult things she probably isn’t ready for (like having a mature sex life at age 13) which just strains their relationship like crazy. 

My point being is there are people in the fandom that take Kozue’s bravado at face value forgetting that she’s a 13 year old who likes pretending she has her shit together and she gets hate cause fandom sexism because to them Kozue deserves bad things because she’s not perfect or pure. A lot of folks in the fandom for some ungodly reason forget that the majority of the characters in the show are literal children and they do act their age. You have the middle school kids (Miki, Nanami, Kozue, Utena, and Wakaba) who all have various degrees of fake confidence and are extremely confused all the time, as many kids their age do/are, and you have the high school students (Juri, Shiori, Saionji, Touga, Kanae) who range from I def know what I’m doing (Touga and Saionji) to I have zero idea what I’m doing but all I can do is scream internally (Juri, Shiori, Kanae) and ofc you have Juri and Shiori doing the gay panic dance but thats a different discussion all together lol.

Basically, fuck people who hate Kozue. She’s an excellent character and deserves good things all the time! I personally really like Kozue and I’m happy she’s your favorite dude! Keep loving her! Ignore the hateful motherfuckers! I’m speaking as a Shiori fan when I say I understand your struggle dude. There are always gonna be ignorant and hateful fools in the fandom, it’s best to just ignore them really. Here! I made this years ago but I think you’d like a Kozue defense squad gif! ^w^! I made one for all the Utena ladies! If you want me to talk about more utena things just let me know!

Side note: I did a analysis about Kozue in 2013 and I still agree with what I wrote more or less, give it a read if you like! Also I created an Utena analysis blog years ago if you would like more analysis stuff! I (nor my partner) haven’t updated it in awhile but I think it’s still got good shit on it!

[im-trying-1]

Who TF Knows

Chapter 1 You know that coming of age, teenage novel where a group of friends hangout, go to highschool, fuck each other, and ultimately figure out who they are in the end? 

Yea, well, that’s not what this is.

This is a story about me and my friends, who also have no idea who we are in the world, but we’re more diverse. So, if you want a story with a bunch of white, straight people running around acting batshit crazy, this is not the story for you. If not, then hi. I’m Scarlett. And this is a story about how fucked up life can be. 

“Yo, Scarlett!” Tate called as I entered the bookstore we meet up at after school everyday. It was pretty empty today, because no one really goes to bookstores on a Friday afternoon. I walked over to our usual table and saw that all my other friends were there too. 

I have five friends: Stephanie, Uriah, Tate, Henry, and Natalia. We aren’t your typical group of kids. We all have our issues. But who doesn’t, you know? We’ve all been through shit that we wished we hadn’t, shit that messes us all up in some way. The shit that we want to forget so badly, but it comes back to us whenever. We help each other through it though. We have to. No one else is going to help us.

 “Come on now, make room for Scarlett,” Stephanie said, scooting her chair over so I could pull up a chair next to her. Even though it was seventy-five degrees in our small, southern California town, Steph had on a white cardigan over her pink striped blouse. I didn’t even have to guess at what she was trying to hide. 

Stephanie has been my friend since we were nine. We had to do this project for science class and she was my partner. I always admired the way she looked. She had hair so blonde it was almost white, crystal blue eyes, and a nose so small it could fit on a doll. My african features could never let me have that. She had a soft way about her. Her ora was always warm and she never seemed unhappy. Even down to the way she dressed, was always light and full of life. She had what seemed like the perfect life. I was very wrong.

Steph had an extremely rough homelife. Her dad owns the paper mill just outside of town, so her parents are loaded. Having a lot of money doesn’t make up for the fact that her parents are dicks. When she was younger, her older brother would sneak into her room at night. She was six; he was eighteen. Her parents never believed her when she told them though, because her brother was the perfect child. He was the captain of the hockey team, he had a 4.0; he was their most prized accomplishment. They didn’t want to believe their star boy was a rapist. So they ignored it, like they did every bad thing. 

Soon, her brother went to college, so she didn’t have to worry about him except when he came home from college. After we became friends, she would spend the night at my house, sometimes, when her brother came home. When she told me what he did, we cried together. She would say that I was the only reason she hadn’t ran away, that I was the only reason she was sometimes happy. I had a crush on her for the entire year of fifth grade ( along with every other boy in our grade ), but it didn’t matter. Steph just wasn’t attracted to people. She’s never had a crush that I can think of, not one she told us about anyways. And she tells us everything. Or so we thought.

“Oh my god, did you study for Mrs. Rosweld’s Chemistry test today?! I studied for it for, like, four hours, but I honestly feel like I failed,” Uriah asked as soon as I sat down. It was like him to worry about that kind of stuff, even though we all know he passed.

I became friends with Uriah in art class in eighth grade. We were supposed to make something out of clay, and he made a rose. I made a stupid looking heart. After class, he walked up to me and whispered to me, “Um, ex-ex-excuse me? Um, I- I- made this  f-for Micheal Walker. Do you mind p-putting it in his locker for m-m-me?” I asked him why he couldn’t do it himself and he told me “I- I would but, uh, I don’t wa-want anyone to s-s-see me.” I stood there for a second, and told him to meet me at lunch by Micheals locker. When he met me, I stood watch as he put the clay rose in his locker. He told me, in his stuttering voice, how thankful he was for my help. I asked him if he wanted to eat lunch with me and Steph. And we were happy to have someone new in our small family. 

Uriah came out in sophmore year, right after his dad left. He was never scared to come out to us, but his parents were a different story. They never talked about stuff like that in his house, so he didn’t really know what to expect. His mom was supportive, but his dad didn’t really say anything. They never talk about it. They barely talk at all. You can tell it kinda hurts him. But he distracts himself with his Yale application. Uriah’s the smartest one in our friend group; you can tell just by the way he looks. He has that classic ‘smart person’ look to him. His favorite thing to wear is a sweater with a plaid shirt underneath. Nothing about him was dark, though. Other than him being black and gay, he is your classic ‘nerd’ cliche. Neither of his parents went to college, so him going to Yale would be huge. And that puts a lot of pressure on him.

This one night, Uriah was walking home alone, and some homophobes rolled up on him. He was found the next morning, unconscious. He woke up that afternoon in the hospital, but they kept him another three days to run some tests. He only talked about what happened to the police; we never found out what happened to him that night. His injuries somewhat told the story, though. He had two black eyes, a broken nose, two broken ribs, bruises on all his limbs, his stomach, and neck, and cut on the top of his head. The only thing Uriah would ever tell us about that night was that it was the worst night of his life. They never caught who did it. He never stuttered after that. We could never figure out why. He had been going to speech therapy for years, and what finally worked was getting the shit beat out of him, I guess.

“I’m sure you did great, Uriah. Don’t worry so much about it,” Natalia said to him, while patting his back. He seemed to calm down a little, but he still had this worried look on his face.

Natalia was Uriah’s protector. Uriah went to a support group after what happened and he met her there. I guess it was some sort of  “Got the shit kicked out of you? Hey, me too. Let's talk about it.” kind of support group. Natalia  hardly ever went to the support group though; it was her first day there and she only went back to go with Uriah. Natalia was the strong type. She was the type to get in a fight and not back down until she won, was unconscious, or dead. She was tough. She had to be. She was in the foster system for a while, and that can be pretty rough. Her birth mom was an addict who couldn’t pay her bills so they took Natalia away when she was three. She told the fam she had been in eight different foster homes by the time she was twelve, and that some were good ( like, give you your own room type of good ), most were ok ( like, feed you, clothe you, keep the bills paid, give you a bed type of ok ), and some were goddamn awful. And I mean, sometimes feed you, lock you in your room, barely pay their bills, or worse, type of awful. Natalia barely got to see her birth mom. And when she did, her mom made all these promises about getting sober and getting straight so she can get Natalia back. And she believed her, up until they finally went to family court, and her mom didn’t show. And let me tell you, when your parent doesn’t show up for you, it is the worst feeling in the world.

We never saw Natalia before she met Uriah. I mean, we had been going to the same school for three years, and somehow never crossed paths. She didn’t have any friends, but she got by I guess. We had classes together, but before she never went to them. It wasn’t until Natalia met Uriah that she started to care. Care about school, her grades, the way she presented herself, her reputation. She was the loner and she looked the part, too. She always had the ‘ready to fight but still kinda stylish’ look to her. Her style and Uriah’s really clashed. They were best friends. They weren’t interested in each other like that, though. They helped each other like that. They were good for each other. 

Natalia has this vibe she gives off. Before you get to know her, she’s very off putting. Her grimace that she wears around people is one of the main reasons. Another might be her piercing blue eyes that seem to know everything before you even say anything. Like her personality, her hair is fiery and stands out in a crowd. She seems intimidating and hard, then she finally opens up to you and you realize she’s an amazing person. She loves painting, and she is amazing at it. She once made me this mural for my birthday, and it is the greatest gift I have ever received. She’s just one of those kinds of people I guess. The ones you have to get to know to really love.

“Yea, man. I wouldn’t sweat  it. We all know you’re Rosweld’s favorite. Plus, you’re, like, the smartest person at our school. You did fine,” Tate said, looking over at Uriah from his seat beside Natalia. This made Uriah smile a little. Tate sat back in his seat, content with himself for his accomplishment.  

Plus, there’s Tate. Tate’s the party animal of the group. He’s the one you call if you need help sneaking out or hiding something from your parents. He’s learned all the tricks to getting past parents.He’s always the life of the party, though, even when he’s sober. He always wears these outfits that are very over the top and crazy, because that’s just who he is. He can make anyone laugh, doing anything. Except for his parents.

 His dad is a very strict catholic and his mom left when he was eleven, so he also has his issues. His dad is away on business a lot, which we all know is bullshit and just an excuse to not be with Tate all the time. Tate thinks it’s because he looks so much like his mom, and that everytime his dad looks at him, he feels the pain of her leaving all over again. I, for one, think that’s a bullshit reason not to spend time with your family. But it’s not my place to do anything about it, so I just stay out of it.

We met Tate one night when we were walking home and he was passed out on the side of the road. Steph was scared he may be dead, but Natalia checked his pulse and informed us that he was alive, just unconscious. We took him back to my house, and my mom let him sleep on the couch in the basement. We sat down there with him so when he did wake up, we could explain to him that we hadn’t kidnapped him. He woke up, puked in the trash can we had sat next to the couch where he was laying, and almost screamed before we handed him some gatorade and explained the situation. He then thanked us repeatedly and texted his dad to tell him where he was. We then asked him why he got so fucked up and he said “because my life is shit.” That’s when we knew we had a new friend. 

One of the main reason’s Tate is the way he is is because he needs attention. Even before his mom left, she was barely around, much like his dad is now. He craved her love and attention, but she could never give it to him for some reason. He always blames himself, saying he should have tried harder, that maybe if he had tried harder she would have stayed. Not having a mother has been one of the worst things for Tate. Natalia was able to tough it out; she barely remembers a time she was with her mother. But Tate remembers the heartbreak of her not wanting him. So he parties. To forget, to try and get her attention, so she might care at least a little, at some point. He drinks and does drugs to try and numb the pain. Because that’s all we all want, is to numb the pain. 

We’ve only met Tate’s mom once: at his sixteenth birthday party. She showed up two hours late and only stayed for an hour, but it meant a lot to Tate that she was there at all. When people say Tate looks like his mother, that’s an understatement. He is the exact replica of her. The dark curly hair, the freckles, even the way they walk is the same. The only thing different about them is their eyes. Tate has dark brown eyes that are always laughing, always full of laughter and joy. But his mom’s are full of sadness and anger. That’s the one thing Tate didn’t get from his mom. His personality.

“Look, Uriah, I did NOT stay on FaceTime with you to help you study for FOUR HOURS for you to doubt yourself. You did not fail that test, and on the off chance you got less than a 90,  I will personally go up to Mrs. Rosweld and cuss her ass out because we earned that motherfucking A,” Henry said firmly, before bursting out laughing. Uriah looked surprised for a second, then started laughing with him, which caused us all to laugh.

Then there’s Henry. Henry was the mom of the group. He was the one who took care of us, no matter what. We met Henry the same night we met Tate. He and Tate had been best friends since kindergarten, so he was the person Tate usually called when he needed a ride. He was always there for every one of us, in any situation. If Natatlia got into a fight, the first person she would call to come pick her up and get her all cleaned and bandaged up was Henry. If Steph ever needed to get out of her house because her brother was home for the weekend, Henry would figure something out for her to do that weekend. He was the one who was always quiet when we were venting about our problems, who would always listen to the tea Tate would spill about the party he had just been to.  He was just there for us, with whatever we needed. 

Henry always had this sense of calm to him. It was as if, just by being around him, you instantly just felt better. You could never be upset around Henry because he just made you feel better with his energy. He always understood everyone’s problems, and he always tried to figure them out with us as if they were his own. He gave the best advice and was the wisest of the group. No one could understand it, though, because he had an amazing home life. His parents were lawyers and some of the nicest people I had ever met. He grew up an only child, so he always had the spotlight. His dad couched all his little league teams and his mom always made brownies whenever we came over. They were the white picket fence, poster family. There was no way anyone could tell that something awful was happening in that family.

“Anyways, does anyone wanna go to this party later with me? It’s at J.T. Wiliam’s place ‘cause his parents are out of town for the weekend. Anyone?” 

“Sorry, Tate, I would but I have to finish my portfolio,” Natalia answered. 

“Oh, yea, how’s that going? You’re still going to show it to us when you're finished, right?” Steph asked.

“Yea, whenever I finish. Mrs. Willis is making me do all these chores so I barely have time to paint anymore,” she responded.

Natalia was applying for art school in the fall and she wanted to get her portfolio finished before summer starts so she can focus on this art contest she entered into. She still has no idea what she’s going to make, but it’s not due until August, and she’s procrastinating.

“Yea, I can’t go either, Tate. I have to study for the SATs,” Uriah said.

“It’s alright. Steph, how about you?” Tate asked Steph from across the table. 

“I wish I could, Tate, but my grandparents are visiting from Italy and my mom’s making me at least stay for dinner. I might be able to meet up with you after, though, if I can sneak away.”

“Wait, Steph, is your brother gonna be there?” I asked, consurned. 

“No, he couldn’t make it, thank god,” she responded.

“Wait, do you want me to come over for dinner, Steph? I don’t have anything to do tonight so I can go,” Henry offered.

“Oh my god, yes, Henry that’d be amazing. Thank you so much!” Stephanie exclaimed.

“Well, I’ll go with you, Tate,” I said, knowing Tate was getting disappointed.

“OH MY GOD! YES, THANK YOU SO MUCH, SCARLETT! YOU WON’T REGRET THIS, I PROMISE,” Tate practically shouted.

“Yea, I’d better not,” I mumbled.

We stayed at the bookstore for another hour or so until Stephanie said she needed to get home. She asked Henry for a ride to her house and they left. Then Natalia and Uriah left ( Natalia doesn’t have a license so Uriah drives her everywhere ) and it was only Tate and I left. Tate proceeded to tell me that I needed to change before the party, so we headed to my house. If I had known that that was the last time we would all be together, I don’t know what I would have done differently. 

***

Tate drove me over to my house and helped me find something to wear to the party. We settled on an AC\DC vintage tee-shirt, my Doc Martens, and a pair of ripped jeans. It was the perfect punk look, which is what Tate said the theme of the night was. Tate does this thing sometimes where when we go out, he gives us themes to dress like. One night, the theme was “hawiian chique” and we all had to dress like either hula girls or corney hawaiian tourists. So we were just walking around, all night, looking like fucking steryotypical hawaiians in the middle of October. It was very embarrassing. But we do it to make Tate happy. 

“Hey, we should probably get going if we want to get food before we get to the party,” Tate said, looking at his watch.

“Yea, ok,” I said and grabbed my bag. We left my room, raced down the stairs, and walked into the kitchen where my mom was. 

“Hey, Mom, we're gonna go now, ok?”

“Yea, that’s fine. Make sure to call me if you need me to pick you up.”

“Alright,” I said, walking around her to the back door, “I love you.”

“Love you too, sweetie. You be safe, you two. Bye, Tate. Love you.”

“Love you too, Mrs. Eyther. I’ll see you later.”

It wasn’t uncommon for Tate and the group’s moms to say ‘I love you’ to each other. We were all a family, so Tate just adopted our mothers and they adopted him. I think that’s what kept him from not totally going insane: a mother telling him she loved him.

We listened to punk rock the entire way to Carla’s Diner ( just to stay on theme ) and we both ordered burgers with a double order of fries. We talked about who would be at the party, how long we were planning on staying, and other party related things before we both went quiet for a second.

“How are you doing, Scarlett? Really?” Tate asked, in a concerned voice to break the silence.

“What do you mean?”

I knew what he meant.

“Well, I mean, Monday is May 1st. How are you feeling about that?”

I sat there for a second. How did I feel? I mean, I felt sad. But not as sad as I usually did when May 1st rolled around. 

“I don’t know. I’m hanging in there, you know? I just…..I don’t know,” I responded.

“Well, you know I’m always here for you if you want to talk right? Anytime.” Tate put his hand on mine. 

“Yea, I know. Thanks, Tate.”

“Of course, babes. Now, hurry up and eat your burger, woman, so I can get to this par-tay!!”

***

We got to the party and upon arriving, I could already tell this was gonna be a night that I either remember forever or don’t remember at all. We walked in and were immediately greeted by two very drunk teenage girls in very short skirts. The lesbian in me wanted to stay and talk to them, but as the good friend I am, I walked into the basement with Tate so he didn’t accidentaly kill himself on xannys. J.T. was down there and  greeted us. He handed Tate a joint and then offered it to me.

“Uh, no thanks, I don’t really handle weed well.”

It was true. One time I smoked with Tate, and I got really trippy. It was probably the worst experience with illegal substances that I've ever had. Then, I saw a bottle of tequila.

“Now, this is more my type,” I said, looking at the label.

“I thought your type was busty blondes,” Tate said with a smirk on his face.

“Haha,” I mocked.

Tate and I have this inside joke from sophomore year. Basically what happened was we were at a party and Tate caught me staring at this one girl. He then walked over to her and told her that I liked her hair. I don’t remember much of what happened that night, but I do remember making out with her for at least an hour.

“Yo, Scarlett.”

I turned around and saw Tate was already tipsy. He was sitting on the couch in between two girls with a vodka bottle in his hand. I walk over to him and he stands up abruptly.

“WHO WANTS TO DO SHOTS?!” He screams.

The rest of the night is a hazy memory of shots, stripping, and cherry chapstick that I don’t remember too well. At some point, I remember getting a phone call from Steph, but when I called her back later, she said it was nothing. So I didn’t worry about it. I should have.

I drove Tate home, because there was no way he could get home by himself. I then walked the block to my house. I don’t mind walking home, especially after a party like that. It gives me a chance to think. And with May 1st about to roll around, I needed that time. 

I got home around 2 in the morning and my mom was watching TV in the living room.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Hey, baby. How was the party?”

“It was great, thanks. How was your night?”

“Oh, I had some fun. Watched the TV. Did Tate get home alright?”

“Yea, I just dropped him off. Mom, I’m feeling pretty tired. I’m gonna go to sleep.”

“Ok, sweetie, well I love you. Sweet dreams.”

“ ‘Night, Mom. Love you too.”

I walked up the stairs and was walking down the hallway to my room when I saw the door at the end of the hall that we usually keep closed was open. I walked in and was instantly hit by the scent of dust. I looked around and took in what was my sister’s room. Her One Direction posters were still on the wall, her bed was still unmade, her room looked just the same it did on that May 1st, almost two years ago. I sat on her bed and smelled her pillow. It still smelled like the shampoo she used. I layed on her bed, just trying to remember her voice, not knowing that in about two hours, my entire world was about to come crashing down, just like that day.