#storyline study

[queer-as-used-by-tolkien]

Character Study: Logan Thackeray

At the beginning of the PS, Logan Thackeray had been living in a blissful paradise for five years, one that said the dragons were not truly threats or at least could never threaten Kryta or at least could never threaten the queen, one that said he was capable enough to defend her because he had sacrificed everything for her.

It was a blissful paradise that was shattered when a single Risen soldier made it all the way to the queen's throne room, thirsting for her blood - a Risen that all the might of the actual Orders of Tyria could not pin down or kill beforehand.

The threat to the queen, despite all of Logan's actions to protect her, despite all of his sacrifices, makes Logan realize that what he has done is not enough; and if the queen dies now, as the battle rages in the throne room, was Snaff's death worth it? Was Glint's? Was it worth it letting down his team, failing to protect them? (No.)

Even when the queen survives, the threat is not gone, because the Elder Dragon that sent the threat is still out there. Logan knows he cannot shy away from this duty; he has to go against the dragon, and for that he needs Destiny's Edge. But just a moment ago he had a glimpse of the reality of his decision to leave his teammates, that it was selfishly motivated, and he feels a moment of remorse.

But he returns to denial, justifying his decision as he always had, that Queen Jennah is worth it and more important, that he did nothing wrong. He now needs to slay the Elder Dragons (or at least the one) so his queen will be safe. Always, everything for Jennah.

(Rytlock, of course, doesn't stand for any of this.)

Logan has some things to work through first, though he doesn't realize it yet.

~oOoOo~

It is notable that, throughout the PS, Logan's descriptions of himself and his actions to save Queen Jennah in Edge of Destiny go through several stages, each peeling back a layer of self-deception.

In Setting the Stage, the first confrontation between the members of Destiny's Edge, Logan says "I've done nothing that needs to be forgiven." Later, he sends a mail to the player saying "I made a choice to save Jennah; a choice I don't regret." This is his starting place; this is how he's felt for the last five years since he made that decision.

For most of the rest of the storyline, in terms of quantity of time, he acts rather than thinks; he leaves Jennah to go traveling when he is told to; he realizes things about the actual world; he seeks out Rytlock to make amends.

But once he has determined to solve things with Rytlock, he starts realizing things about himself; perhaps that he'd thought of before but didn't feel like sharing with the player. Most of this happens within the last ten levels of the PS.

In the Citadel of Flame dungeon, he tells Rytlock that "I left when I should have stayed. And I spent the last five years trying to justify it. I still like I did the right thing, but I'm sorry I left." He knows what he should have done, what he did instead, and that he's spent the last five years justifying it. He says he's sorry!

But does that mean he regrets having left? No. He contradicts himself; he still thinks he did the right thing. He's in cognitive dissonance, a psychological state where two held beliefs about the world don't line up. It results in the kind of self-contradictory or outright nonsensical dialogue (often termed 'word salad') we see here.

There could be many things at play here; perhaps he still thinks he was wholly in the right but wants to reconcile with Rytlock; perhaps he is starting to see he was in the wrong but doesn't want to admit Rytlock was right or lose moral standing in Rytlock's estimation. I think his word salad isn't quite so deceptive as that, at least not consciously. (This may be my bias, however, because I love psychological intrigue.)

I think he is starting to realize he was in the wrong, and is sorry for it, but does not truly regret his actions; he is, secretly, selfishly, glad things happened the way they happened, for whatever reasons, and he doesn't want to admit to himself that this selfishness is wrong. He does love Queen Jennah, he is glad she survived, and above all he does not want to re-calculate his priorities going forward. He wants to be able to admit he was wrong (but right, actually, so he still has the moral high ground within his own psyche), without having to change his behavior or the belief system that got him in this situation to begin with. See, even my explanation looks like word salad.

He wants to reconcile with Rytlock and go back to fighting dragons, but is not willing to do the internal, mental legwork to get there. He is willing to verbally say things that sound like an apology, he is willing to do lip-service to Rytlock's narrative of the world. "I left when I should have stayed. And I spent the last five years trying to justify it. I still feel like I did the right thing, but I'm sorry I left."

His dialogue is a word salad stemming from his psyche, but it is also littered with narrative hints.

I tried to justify it. This is true, and a valuable insight to his psychology. He's making excuses for himself because he can't live with the fact that he got Snaff killed, and it allows him to take the moral high ground against the rest of Destiny's Edge.

I still feel like I did the right thing - this is all that he is aware of right now. He doesn't realize all the self-denial and justification going on in his psyche.

I left when I should have stayed [and] I'm sorry I left - he does want to reconcile. He is sorry, consciously, but subconsciously he isn't willing to face the ramifications of that just yet.

That's his state in the Citadel of Flame dungeon. It isn't much, but it is progress from his prior state of 'I did nothing wrong, I don't regret it, you would have done the same, Queen Jennah was worth it, you just don't understand.'

Later, during the Crucible of Eternity dungeon, Logan says this: "I have to admit I feel bad about the break-up" great! Some honesty about what he's actually sorry for! (We know this isn't him becoming more self-aware because he's been trying to reconcile for fifty levels.) This also indicates that he's being more honest with himself, which is a necessary change that foreshadows/sets up his next dialogue.

He says, "I made what I thought was the right choice. I take responsibility for it, but I still feel I let the others down."

I made what I thought was the right choice - he retracts his earlier contradiction/word salad. He is now admitting that it was not the right choice, that he was wrong - which is solid progress and clears the way for the next step of the journey to clearing away his self-deception.

I take responsibility for it - perfect! He's manned up, taken the L, swallowed his pride, and is now taking responsibility for his own actions. Go Logan! This is brilliant. The character development-to-screentime ratio is really close with this one lol. I wish Anet would let us dig into it more. He has processed his own psychological barriers.

I still feel I let the others down - now we get to the real root of the problem: the guilt he feels for letting down his teammates, losing Snaff and Glint, and failing to defeat Kralkatorrik. That's some pretty weighty stuff there. It's not easy to live with the guilt - fully earned - of being responsible for the death of someone you care about. Logan is a guardian by profession; he protects people, especially those he cares about, and he failed. That's a blow to his pride as well. As a guardian, he's also innately a team player, so to have let them down is real problem for him.

No wonder he was so burdened by this guilt that he went into self-denial! He started justifying his actions by saying that Queen Jennah is more important than DE, therefore he made the right choice, therefore they can't blame him, and therefore he did nothing wrong. He's come a long way in a short while!

A lot of people hate on Logan for his bullheaded, idiotic, dumb, and dangerous decisions - and while that's fair, they fail to see the underlying character development and honest change that came from it.

A character that's willing to change and to face his own failures is infinitely more compelling than a character who never failed to begin with.

In the Arah dungeon, he reiterates the point, saying this: "I'm partly responsible for our group's break-up, and I owe the others a debt that I can never re-pay. [...] It's true that Rytlock and the others seem to have forgiven me. I'm just not sure I forgive myself."

So, of course, the next step to healing and wholeness is to actually deal with the guilt: he can't do anything to change his actions then, he certainly can't change the deaths of Snaff and Glint or the failure to kill Kralkatorrik.

But he needs to redeem himself in his own eyes, regain respect for himself, and realize that he can be better. He said something like this back at level 30, in a rare moment of self-perception after the queen was threatened by one of her own soldiers. "Do you think we can overcome our mistakes, my friend? Make up for things we've done?" (This was his first trigger, really; seeing himself in a corrupted soldier and realizing, for a moment at least, until it gets hard when DE meets up for the first time, that yes, he was in the wrong. This is what starts his journey of self-discovery.)

This moment in Arah is the climax of the journey that began where it started: with love for his queen and concern for her well-being. I do find it significant that although he changes, he never stops loving Queen Jennah. His love for her was real. As the queen was threatened by her own soldiers corrupted by Zhaitan, now Logan finally defeats his own inner demons, and confronts and helps kill Zhaitan itself.

He defeats his own inner demons - guilt, shame, self-blame - when Destiny's Edge is preparing to launch an airship. Risen Giants are closing in on them, and a piece of equipment for launch is broken: someone must stay behind.

Logan, who has not forgiven himself and probably feels as if he is worth less due to his desertion in the past, volunteers to stay behind in the face of certain death. Eir says "you don't have to do this," and Logan responds with "Yes, I do. For all of you. And for myself."

So he goes... and although he survives, this plot point does far more than kill him off for shock and then bring him back. Logan did his part; he faced death, alone, for his companions (as they faced death without him when he left, as Snaff faced death inside his golem, as Glint saw her end in Kralkatorrik's many-faceted eyes). He proved his worth by doing something vital for the team.

The team also needed this moment. They each had their own struggles separating them from the others, and losing Logan, as it had torn them apart before, now brings them together as they mourn his death. Zojja especially, though I won't get into her story here. Logan, new and improved, with a renewed self-confidence, returns to cheers and delight. He can now take pride in himself again.

Caithe asks, "Will you return to queen now, Logan?"

Logan responds, "No. Not until I know that Kryta's safe."

In conclusion, Logan's story is far more than just a besotted love story, an eye-rolling infatuation, an out-of-place romance when the world is at stake. Logan's story shows that inner demons can be just as tough to defeat as outer ones; inner demons can hold up the world for the sake of one poor decision, and they are not to be taken lightly. But they can be vanquished.

Logan is also an example of how most if not all of those who fight against the dragons do so for home and country, for family and friends, for loved ones and for national pride. No titanic struggle is meaningful without the loved ones waiting at home, and Logan's over-dramatized love for the queen perfectly captures this. In the end, do we not all love, in one way or another? Do we not all wish to see ourselves as heroes? Do we not all make mistakes?

The real victory is in overcoming those mistakes and making the world a better place for the people we care about.

[thatonebirdwrites]

Cheating Death Part 2

Part 1 here.

Only seconds after Lena vanished in the portal, the Kryptonite cage melted into the floor. A yellow light pulsed so brightly, Kara had to close her eyes. Light infused her cells and pushed the pain of the Kryptonite away.

Lena's words echoed in Kara's head. How she'd stomped and shouted, the tears on her face, the desperation in her voice. How heartbroken she'd been when she'd said, "No, no you don't get to tell me who I am anymore."

She didn't know what to do. Lena had been hurting and grieving this entire time, and what had she and her friends done? Celebrated her brother's death, ignored Lena's increasingly isolating behaviors, and pretended everything was fine.

It wasn't fine.

Yet, the yellow light. Why had that activated? Was it Lena or the Fortress?

Kara ran through the Fortress to the control panel. She dug into the log and swiftly found Lena's code. It had been programmed to create the cage if Kara asked about Myriad, but then the yellow light was also programmed to heal Kara after Lena escaped. A note was annotated on that section of the code, and Kara's breath caught in her throat.

"I wish I could stop loving you. This hurts worse than death."

Tears dampened her cheeks and she wiped them away. What would she tell Alex? How can she explain any of this?

She didn't want her friends to turn on Lena, and Alex definitely would go after Lena if she knew about the cage. It'd been temporary, and Lena had programed a healing sun-bed equivalent burst for after. That alone gave her hope that she could still reach Lena.

Because even in her heartbreak, Lena did not want Kara dead.

She grabbed the weapon she needed, the same one Lena had used to stop Leviathan from killing Kara, and re-calibrated security. Her tears froze on her cheeks by the time she finished.

Kara flew out of the Fortress and high into the stratosphere. She listened for Lena's heartbeat, but heard nothing at first. Fear clenched her heart. Either Lena hid behind lead, or something terrible had gone wrong since she'd left. She hoped it was the former.

With a heavy heart, she flew to the DEO. Alex waited on a balcony.

"Kara?" Alex said, alarmed. "What the hell happened? Where's Lena?"

Kara held out the weapon. "It works as hoped. Sustained blast will keep Rama Khan down, and then attach the power dampeners."

Alex took the weapon with a frown. "Kara, what happened to Lena? Where is she?"

Kara shook her head. She couldn't voice it. She refused to believe Lena was lost to them. There had to be a way to save her, to bring her back, to repair what Kara had fucked up.

She pressed her hands against her face and flinched when Alex tried to touch her shoulder. "I got to find her," she whispered. "I got to make things right. I got to."

"Kara, I can't help if you don't tell me." Alex's voice held kindness, but Kara knew how quickly Alex could turn to anger. When it came to Kara's safety, Alex might cross a line she'd regret. Kara had done it for Alex a few times.

But with Lena? Kara had no boundaries. Lena held her heart in a way no one else did. She'd talked herself into settling for Mon-el, but it'd never been who she needed.

She needed Lena.

"Kara?" Alex tried again. "Kara, talk to me."

"She's the one who shot Lex." The words felt unreal.

Alex's brow wrinkled. "I thought he died when he fell."

Kara shook her head. "We never found a body or even parts from his suit, remember? If he had a portal watch, he could have gone anywhere."

Alex sucked in a breath. "And Lena was waiting for him?"

Kara nodded. "She shot him to protect us. She's been grieving and hurting all this time, and what have we done? Ignored her grief! Where were we for her pain?" She paced the balcony as fury at herself and everyone around her built up in her sternum. "I hurt her! I hurt her with my lies, and I have to fix this."

"Kara," Alex hefted the weapon. "Maybe let Lena have her space. We still have to deal with--"

"Alex, you didn't hear her!" Her pacing quickened and a groove appeared in the concrete from her superspeed.

Kara should tell Alex, and yet she couldn't. She needed to save Lena from Myriad herself, but to do that, she needed to find Lena. And she still couldn't hear her heartbeat.

She let out a shout of rage, her fist colliding with the wall and shattering the concrete. "I hurt the person I love! I have to fix this. I have to bring her back."

Her rage petered into sobs, and she fell to her knees.

Her, the strongest and fastest on the planet, brought to her knees by a Luthor.

She thinks of all the times she could have told Lena, and how she'd chickened out, afraid of losing her. Afraid of living a life without Lena's presence. Now a Lena-shaped hole had been carved in her chest, and she hurt.

It felt like Kryptonite all over again.

Was this how Lena had felt the past few months? This agony?

And yet, Lena had still helped. She'd still saved Kara's life. Still built devices that helped others. Why Myriad? Why use that monstrous device? Kara couldn't make sense of it. The months of pretending to be Kara's friend.

She should be angry at Lena. Furious at the betrayal, but she felt only grief. She'd started this with her lies, with leaving Lena in the dark. Lena could have helped so much more if she'd been in on it from the start. Then this never would have happened.

Kara sat there, silent, head-bowed long enough for Alex to leave and return with a cup of herbal tea. Rooibos since most other teas were too intense thanks to Kara's supertaste. Her fingers curled around the warm cup.

"I tasked Brainy and J'onn with the weapons. We'll deal with Leviathan." Alex smiled and squeezed Kara's shoulder. "You do what you need to do, Kara. I'm with you, okay?"

Kara nodded numbly. She sipped the tea and slowly became aware of a high-pitched beeping. "Wait, that's the signal watch," she murmured. She put down the cup and listened. It came from downtown. "Lena," she whispered.

Before Alex could respond, Kara blasted into the sky and broke the sound barrier. The crack whipped across the city and shook windows. She landed on Lena's balcony at L-Corp, ripped open the door, and dashed into a dark room. The beeping came from the stairwell.

Horror twisted her gut. She supersped down the stairs, all forty-three flights, until she reached the stairs just below ground level near the door to security.

She threw open the door and the thick scent of iron assaulted her nose.

Eve lay in a pool of blood, no heartbeat. Someone dressed in black lay crumbled near Eve, again no heartbeat. Blood coated the stairs from where Lena must have crawled.

Lena, her Lena, lay motionless, one hand on the top step. For a horrifyingly long second, Kara couldn't hear a heartbeat. She dropped next to Lena and pressed her fingers against Lena's pulse point.

No, there it was.

A faint badum-badum, the most precious sound in the universe.

She could do nothing for the others, but she still had a chance to save Lena. A scan of her body revealed the bullet in her side, how it pierced a lung.

Kara gathered Lena into her arms, and ran through the security sector, hitting each door with her shoulder to wrench it open, until she finally made her way outside.

Lena's blood soaked into her suit, her head rolling in Kara's arms. She held her close and flew as fast as she dared toward the DEO. "Lena, please," she whispered, "please hold on. Don't you dare die on me. Not now. Not like this."

When her feet touched down, she heard Alex's voice shouting about a Rama Khan sighting. Agents poured into vehicles, and the team prepared to leave.

Kara ignored them. She walked through the bustle, and people parted for her.

Alex turned from where she studied Brainy's screens. Her eyes widened. "What the hell...?"

"Please. Help her." Tears clouded her vision.

"Medical now. Brainy J'onn's in charge." Alex grasped Kara's arm and maneuvered her through the mess of the control center. Technicians worked on last minute fine-tuning of weapons, and others manned screens plotting possible vectors. Activity that meant nothing to Kara, not if Lena died.

Not if she couldn't speak her last truth to Lena.

She laid Lena on the medical bed, and Alex ordered her nurses to get an IV in immediately. Kara began to pace, the blood drying on her suit. Alex cut away Lena's shirt and examined the wound.

"She needs surgery now."

"What do I do?" she asked Alex, anguished. "What do I do?"

Alex shook her head. "You can't help with this. Go help J'onn, and wear Lena's anti-kryptonite suit. I'm not sure how long I'll be in surgery."

"Can you save her?"

"I will try my best," Alex said. She refused to look at Kara, and that told her far too much.

Alex didn't think Lena would make it.

"Promise?" the words came out small, plaintive.

"Promise. Now get out of my way." Alex hooked the IV bag to the pole on one end of the bed, and rolled it toward an interior suite. Two nurses followed along with a second doctor.

Kara closed her eyes and listened to the most beautiful heartbeat in the universe -- it faintly hung on, slower and slower with each passing minute.

She couldn't stay and watch the medical team open up Lena. She couldn't.

Instead, she grabbed the anti-kryptonite suit. As it flowed over her, she almost wept again. It felt like Lena hugged her, the suit entirely her design and her nanites.

She flew outside and listened for J'onn. The fight was to the southeast by the docks.

Hadn't Leviathan been targeting Lena? She'd saved her once from them already. Maybe twice if she counted the break-in that had knocked Lena unconscious.

Now Lena was dying, and Kara didn't just want justice for Lena.

She wanted to tear apart whoever ordered that assassin.

The windows shook at the sonic boom, and the ground cratered when she landed.

Rama Khan and another Leviathan member battled J'onn and Dreamer, who had the weapon from the Fortress. Agents, with adjusted weaponry to match the power-disrupting frequency, scattered around the docks.

Kara didn't care about the risk. She didn't care about the Kryptonite weapons the assholes carried.

She crashed into Rama Khan and threw him into a dock building. The wall crumpled. "Did you hire Lena Luthor's killer?" she growled.

Rama Khan laughed and stood with hardly a mark on him and his ridiculous earth-toned suit. "Those who cross Leviathan do not live to tell the tale. Let you now join her, Supergirl." He extended his hand and the ground shook violently.

A blast from Dreamer's gun sent Rama Khan sprawling. Kara sped over and grabbed him by the throat. Her feet she stomped on his arms. "No one hurts Lena and survives," she growled. Her eyes glowed, and she let out a scream of grief and fury.

She blasted him and punched him again and again. Blood gushed from his face, but then he melted into the earth and stumbled into being a few feet away.

Only for Dreamer to blast him again. Kara pummeled him with the rage of a thousand suns. Her vision red, and the land ripped and shredded in their fight. Part of the pier demolished when Kara threw Rama Khan's accomplice into it. Another building fell when Rama blasted Kara into its walls.

Rama Khan slowed, each blast from the gun scrambled his powers long enough for Kara to rip into him until he bled from multiple places. She lost track of the others, so intent on eliminating the one who ordered Lena's hit.

"Kara!" J'onn clamped the power dampeners on the alien. "Kara, we got him."

Kara clenched Rama's neck and looked down to see the cuffs clasped to his wrists.

How much loss could a heart handle? Why did the universe seek to torture her so? Her entire planet, nearly all her friends, and now the woman she loves most -- loss melted through her crevices, filled her with a blinding fury.

She'd fought to keep everyone alive. It's why she needed to be in control, but that obsession of controlling everything, to make sure she never lost, had poisoned her. She couldn't control everything.

She couldn't even save Lena. The thought of Lena dying in surgery, of never hearing her voice again -- even Lena shouting in anger?

Her fingers crunched bone. Rama Khan tumbled from her grasp and hit the ground with a thump, motionless.

Dreamer and J'onn looked at her, but she didn't respond to their words or looks. Agents swarmed around them to secure the site, while Brainy set up the containment unit for Rama Khan and his accomplices. The ruckus roared like the sea in her ears.

She turned without a word and shot into the sky. She flew as high as she could, to where little to no oxygen existed. The fury burned in her, and she wanted to rip herself apart. She deactivated her helmet, turned off its life support systems, and let the lack of air suffocate her and her emotions.

She'd live. She'd always live, wouldn't she? While all she loved died.

She closed her eyes and let herself fall. Air whooshed around her body, screamed in her ears as she hit terminal velocity. For those brief moments, she heard nothing but the shrill wind, the rest of the Earth drowned out in her fall. A moment of release from the endless soundscape.

Halfway to the ground, she righted herself and flew to the edge of Earth's atmosphere. Again she let herself fall. For a third time, she soared high and fell.

Each time she let herself get closer and closer to hitting the ocean. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't outpace her fury at her own actions. At her failure.

This time she hit the water. She sunk into its depths.

Sea life swam around her, the distant calls of whales rippled through the water. What should delight her brought her sorrow.

No, she couldn't die. Her wretched powers, her curse, kept her alive. Kept her isolated from those she loved. Her careful, practiced control meant even in moments of extreme emotion, she still had to make sure not to hug too tightly. And kissing? How many noses had she broken?

All she wanted was Lena. Even if she could never be with Lena, she needed Lena to be alive. To be healthy and happy. Kara could live with just being on the sidelines, right? As long as Lena was alive.

She burst out of the ocean in a shower of sea water. She hung in the air and watched the waves below her. Her ears tuned to her favorite heartbeat, and there it was, faint, far too faint, but still pulsing.

A slither of hope wove into Kara's wretched spirit. She flew back to the DEO, the wind drying the moisture from the sea.

When she landed, Nia met her at the balcony's doors. "Kara," she breathed out as if she'd been running. "Been looking everywhere."

Kara crossed her arms over her chest. "What do you want?"

"It's Lena. Alex said to let you know the surgery is ongoing and Lena's handling it like a pro." Nia met her gaze, but worry painted across her face. "Don't lose hope yet. She may still live."

Kara said nothing. She heard the rebuke in Nia's words, but she didn't regret her actions. For Lena, there was no boundaries. She'd destroy a thousand Rama Khans if it meant saving Lena.

She followed Nia down the hall, through two intersections, and into the medical bay. Most of the beds were occupied by injured agents from the Leviathan battle. It was the surgery room that occupied all of Kara's attention.

Lena's heart beat still in those glass walls.

Kara walked up to them and pressed a hand against the cool glass. Lena looked so pale. So fragile.

The tears returned. Her chest constricted with a Lena-shaped hole that ached with each beat of her heart.

She didn't move from that spot for the rest of the surgery. Kara held vigil in silence, unmoving. She'd given Lena revenge on those who tried to kill her, and now Kara waited.

Waited for hope to dawn once more.

/end part 2

[eddiediazenjoyer]

can i speak. i think that eddie Catholic Guilt is hard to believe and dare i say. not real. for many reasons. one of them being Not All Latinos Have Catholic Guilt especially not in the way that white catholics conceptualize it. and TO ME it’s a bit of a cop out . and i don’t think we should believe eddie when he says that’s the reason for literally anything bc it’s a really convenient excuse for being insane and repressed but i just don’t think it’s true . and i think that something much more nuanced is afoot (aka a complex racial identity and relationship with expectation).

to me he was really like. barely raised catholic tbh. he was raised AROUND folk/cultural catholicism which ofc impacted how he was raised and his perspective. but this kind of catholicism is so different from institutionalized (and white) catholicism it's difficult to even compare the two. and i honestly don’t think that the catholicism is the main problem. like his parents just don’t strike me as being devout in the way that imparts guilt onto their children (they have fun OTHER ways to do this). i think they are traditional and crucially. catholic when it’s convenient and when it allows them an avenue for control (biggest example here is eddie getting pressured into getting married to the girl he impregnated as a teenager.) but to me. this stemmed from complex cultural traditions and beliefs. which catholicism is an easy simple explanation for . but isn’t really the root of the problem. it's a part of it ofc but honestly i think things are often ascribed solely to catholicism bc catholic guilt is a widely applicable perspective when it honestly doesn't make much sense. like i think that eddie being a mixed race mexican-american has more to do with anything than catholicism does. and again. these things are interwoven. but not in a way that it makes sense to blame capital c Catholicism for things where culture (and cultural catholicism) makes way more sense as an explanation

like ik that eddie talks about how he was raised going to mass every sunday etc etc. but even the way he says that he just... stopped... says so much. like the fact that he was even allowed to do that tells me that his parents honestly never really cared that much about that kind of devotion. and the way he talks about it really makes it sound to me like he was one of those kids that never really bought into it at all and so the institutionalized teachings of the church never really got to him. what did get to him however is the folk catholicism/mexican-american teachings of Right and Wrong (aka you get somebody pregnant you commit to them. you feel emotions you tamp them down in order to protect others etc.) and this is not necessarily Catholicism in it's classic conception.

i have no idea if this makes sense and it is really hard to explain how this interplay works if you haven't grown up in it but basically.... hegemonic constructions of catholicism are vastly different from the kind of "catholicism" that i think eddie was raised in. and bc of that i think that "catholic guilt" is a weak explanation for eddie's perspective and best and just. inaccurate at worst. and we should NEVERRRR listen to eddie when he gives too clean of an explanation for his repression. that man is a liar

[nyctoheart]

KH2 Truthers may be annoying, but they're not wrong....

[runninglikeabuckley]

i was in the middle of making a post about my predictions for the finale when i realised my buddie stuff could take up a whole other post so here ya go:

this is a bit of an out there theory and i don't necessarily think it will happen, but it's something i'd do if i were the writers. eddie makes a move on buck. i don't mean 'yay buddie goes canon in the last 10 mins of s7', i mean 'eddie fucks up so monumentally they don't know if they can come back from it.' i think he'll try to kiss buck and buck will push him away.

eddie's confused and lonely and heartbroken (not to mention desperate) and he turns to the one person who has unfalteringly been by his side the whole time, the guy who likes to fix things. it's not that he doesn't have genuine feelings for buck, because he really does, but he's not thinking about it AT ALL. he just wants buck (to his core) and is maybe letting himself feel that for the first time.

but it's like a slap in the face to buck. buck, who's in a happy, stable relationship for the first time in years. buck, who eddie told his bisexuality wouldn't change anything between them. buck, who's been used for his body for his entire life. he would be absolutely crushed if eddie did this. and he's matured to the point that i think he might not let it slide. he wouldn't cut eddie out of his life, but i think he'd need space and for once he might respect his own needs over his wants. especially since i don't think he's considered his feelings for eddie and definitely doesn't think eddie's acting out of love/desire

so we get to the end of s7/start of s8 and eddie has fucked up his relationships beyond belief. chris, marisol, even his parents and shannon's memory. buck is still there, because he's always there but things are different. and i think that it could be a great set up to explore who eddie really is and what he wants, especially if/when the 118 get split up. as ryan keeps saying, he'll be isolated. neither buck or eddie will tell the others what happened between them, but that doesn't mean that eddie won't finally look into his sexuality by and for himself.

when i say i want a divorce era 2.0, i don't mean screaming at each other in a grocery store bc to a certain extent that was almost funny - they were coworkers of less than 2 years and it was wildly overdramatic. now they're partners and best friends and co-parents and they've suffered blow after blow, and their kid's gone and eddie betrayed buck and they don't know how to be anymore but they love each other too much to let go

[markantonys]

lan tells logain that logain is going back to the white tower and there are 2 brown sisters there who are desperate to study a man who can channel. potential hint at yasicca and nyomi returning in s3? i hope so!

[mars-is-me7]

man, i have so many thoughts about qfoolish. he's just a silly little goofy guy but then when you peel away the first layer that you see of him and realize that he's rather a complex character. I feel like he's such a different type of character than what is usually shown. (and honestly, it's something that brings me a lot of comfort as i relate quite heavily to his very laid back nature that people will sometimes take as being unserious or even uncaring) Warning, this gets long (like 2.2k long to be exact) lol and i ramble a lot- also, disclaimer for my own sanity: this is an analysis of the characters! i adore any of the creatures mentioned here so please don't take any of this as a negative view on them! :D

Foolish's motivations are just very different than what typically motivates a character forward and in some sense it's really easy to skew what you think about him. As in, it's really easy to misinterpret his character i think. He express himself in a different way than i think most people are used to. He laughs in serious situations and is constantly just joking around. I think this causes people to think he cant/wont ever be serious, but the thing is that he's perfectly capable of being serious when he needs to be. For example, if he thinks that he and Leo are going into a serious situation, then he tells her to put her armor on. Really, just anything involving Leo he makes sure to be serious if the situation calls for it. Or like, fighting in dungeons only if he deems it dangerous enough to take seriously. but like, if he doesn't think a situation calls for it, then he just continues to be his goofy self. And sometimes when the situation calls for it, he is just in between those two points in a way that others aren't. He's just not afraid to joke around even when the situation seems dire (cellbit's kidnapping and rescue comes to mind. like, he played such a large role with his symmetry wand, but despite all the serious moments going on,, he was still just a goofy guy).

And one thing about him being so silly all the time is that even the other members on the island sometimes get a misconstrued picture of what they think foolish's goal and wants are. I think in some sense it's true to say that what motivates his wants is what the value of something he perceives is. For example, the sunbird he only wanted because of how cool it sounded and how rare it was. The cloud he wants because its something unique and useful. He wants Cucurucho's friendship because that's something no one else has and Cucurucho has access to items and is powerful.

But these wants aren't the most necessarily the most important things to him. Their something he has interest in, yes, but they're not more important than say his friends and family. Which, i feel like some people might not recognize about him. After all, he is constantly talking about wanting a cloud or how he'd have no issue in killing Bad (and holy shit is landduo and their relation something i could go on about for a whole more hour cuz there's so much there)

Because one vital thing that's so *so* important to recognize is that Foolish is very possibly one of the most loyal people on the island. And despite all of his flaws, he would never really want to truly hurt those he cares about. He is loyal to the people he cares about to an absurd amount. I think it's very clear to see his devotion for Vegetta and his adoration for Leo, but his loyalty also applies to his friends on the island. He would never *intentionally* want to harm anyone he cares about. I don't think some people understand that Mr. Mustard fell under that category as someone he cared about. The entire reason Cucurucho was able to lure him into accepting the mission It gave him is because it brought Mr. Mustard's name into the mix. It told Foolish that Pac and Mike were the ones responsible, and with nothing better to do, Foolish set out to complete this task.

To talk more about the recent events with him arresting Tazercraft: he would never truly want to harm or hurt them. However, when you're looking at the grand scheme of how things went down, he was manipulated and really had no other choice. Sure, he seemed to enjoy arresting them at first, but the thing is I don't think he really processed or even thought about how this action would be received by others. To him, arresting Pac and Mike sounded like enough fun, and it was coming from Cucurucho (who he's wanting to be friends with for actual months now, and Cucurucho literally called him friend in the book it handed to him) and being arrested sounded like something he'd enjoy. Again, like something *he'd* enjoy and that he therefore thought Pac and Mike would enjoy.

You have to realize, Foolish doesn't have the same perspective on these serious situations as some others do. And the thing is that he judges how others react based on how he would react to them. So, in that sense, he views being kidnapped/arrested as a good and fun thing! he even said today on stream, "apparently when you arrest someone, others won't find it funny". it might have just been one line, but in my eyes this gives a really clear insight into his character. To him, arresting Pac and Mike was only a positive thing because it would help him find his friend and it could be a fun event for them. His friend that he was told, by cucurucho, that had disappeared because of Pac and Mike. Foolish doesn't hold any ill intent, but that doesn't necessarily come across in others view of him. Although it might not be clear, he cares about Pac and Mike. Today he even expressed worries about them and said that he still considers them his friends (even though he's aware that they might not share those feelings about him anymore). He doesn't know about their past traumas, to him this was just a fun little event that would be fun for both them and him. When first accepting Cucurucho's mission to him, I'd say he doesn't realize the consequences his actions would have. That by arresting Pac and Mike, it'd leave the other members of the server doubting him and mistrusting him. That others would be angry at him for something that he hadn't realized the gravity of.

(just random thing i want to say here: honestly, if Foolish had any malicious intent towards Tazercraft, he could have easily made their arrest go unnoticed for at least a few days. just think about it: if he had said that the surprise he had was just for the two of them. if Jaiden hadn't accompanied them as a witness. people wouldn't of known then what happened to them, but the thing is that he wasn't thinking in this way because he would never seriously want to harm them. he even wanted Jaiden there as a witness)

I think he realized the backlash of his actions in the Favela when everyone seemed to swarm him and then when he got interrogated. In which, he never really lied. All things considered, Foolish is a rather honest guy. I'd even say that he almost never lies. Like, if he's trying to hide the truth about something, he often times will find a way to skirt around the question without lying. Like, just looking at the mess that was the interrogation yesterday (/lh) you can see that he doesn't ever actually lie. He just blabbers a bunch of nonsense and skirts around the issue without ever revealing anything. The issue arises when you look at the lie he did tell.

for those that don't know, Foolish gave Jaiden a rundown of what happened before arresting Tazercraft. and in this he tells her that Cucurucho gave him the option to either 'arrest Pac and Mike' or to 'kill Richarlyson'. Not even going to lie, when he said this is took me (and i think all of stream) off guard. because Foolish practically never lies in that way and so blatantly. because this was just 100% untrue. However, it makes sense why he did it. At that point, he realized that people were going to keep badgering him on why he arrested Pac and Mike, but at the same time he knew they wouldn't take him telling the truth seriously. He may care about Mr. Mustard but the truth is that the other members don't hold those same thoughts towards most the Capybaras in general. Like, just look at Fit's interaction with him today. Foolish literally reiterated the truth of why he did it over and over again, but Fit didn't believe him even slightly. Foolish didn't lie once about his motivations and yet he was just not believed.

I think he realized at some point soon after arresting Pac and Mike that people weren't going to trust the truth. Not from his mouth at least. So he lied to Jaiden because it's a lie that people will easily understand. it's a choice they'd stop questioning him about. Again, he doesn't do this out of malicious intent but because it's something easier for people to understand and relate to. It's something they're not going to hound him about, not like they will when he tells them the truth. This lie is more easily digestible for the island members and it also brings Foolish less stress if they take this and believe it. Everyone is willing to make sacrifices in order to protect the eggs. And he had to of realized that Jaiden was going to tell other people. The islanders almost always spread these types of details to each other, that's just how it goes. Telling this lie to her in secret makes it all that more believable when she goes and tells some of the others about it later cuz it's something Foolish told her in confidentiality. To the other members, it paints foolish only in a good light. Of course he wouldn't have actually wanted to arrest Pac and Mike, he did it to protect Richas! and that's all it takes to stop them from getting angry at him. All things considered, it's a smart move to pull. Although, I do have to wonder how this will come to bite foolish in the butt. Because i can only imagine that it will be revealed eventually, some way or another.

From what i understood, Cellbit immediately dropped his anger on Foolish once he was told it was to protect Richarlyson. When Jaiden tells him this information he doesn't even thing to consider that Foolish could have lied. After all, why reason would anyone have to lie about that? In my mind, i can only imagine that the lie will protect him for now and in the short term, but once revealed that it's a lie, i think there will be some repercussions against Foolish for sure. Like, even Jaiden doesn't know that he's lied. Jaiden, whom he's been telling everything about. Jaiden who is only one (aside from Leo) who now knows of Foolish's secret detective role. Jaiden, whose the one he's told almost the entire truth to.

An interesting thing to note though, is that I think Foolish's decision to lie to Jaiden was still rather spontaneous. like, it's not something he thought too much about. it's a fib that makes his life a little bit easier (a little bit less lonely) and right now it doesn't seem to hold any repercussions. the interesting thing, though, is that he hasn't repeated the lie at any point in time. and like, he also hasn't done any lying to reinforce the lie he's told. it'd be so easy to paint a story that he's being blackmailed, but he just *doesn't* even though it's a lie he's made himself.

Foolish, all in all, is someone that just acts or speaks before really thinking too much about what he's doing. About the possible side affects of his actions. He just *does* them.

I think it also plays in very well with the idea that he's lived for thousands of years. the things that affect the typical mortal just don't phase him in the same way, not when he's viewing everything as an adventure or an element that is fun. i think that also taking into consideration that he's lived for such a long time, it's rather surprising how easy he is to manipulate. Because that is what Cucucrucho is doing, when looking at the whole picture. cucurucho holds a lot of power and we all know that it easily could have arrested Pac and Mike without the intervention of Foolish. So why make him do it anyways?

Well we don't know that for sure, but we can make some guesses. To sow distrust between the members. To see how far Foolish was actually able and willing to go for the Federation. To place blame on someone aside from itself. All possibilities.

Regardless, Foolish has played right into their hands. He's a silly guy that's gotten himself into a serious situation. One in which he might end up having to navigate alone because even though he has Jaiden he's still lied to her, and even though he has Leo, he would never want to put his daughter into harms way. He said something at the end of the stream about how this might just end up being a lonely road he's taking and i couldn't agree more.

Anyways, that's all i got for tonight as it's late and idk what im getting at here, i just think Foolish is really neat and wanted to attempt to put that into words. :D

[rabarbarzcukrem]

"Noé" being the name of the biblical savior of all life.

"Vanitas" meaning vanity, futility, something that is ultimately meaningless and doesn't last. I am unwell.

[insurged]

super short starter calls 💖 (also screw borders, i just like the ol' fashioned box square since i'm square brain)

[i-am-a-fan]

you guys know that one scene in Tangle when Rapunzel finally leaves her tower and goes back and forth between being super excited for change and curling up into a ball in fear of it?

yeah. Season 5 vibes.

[queer-as-used-by-tolkien]

Storyline Study: One Path Ends (S3)

First | Prev | Next (PoF)

So I said I’d talk about why I dislike One Path Ends, the last episode of S3.

Now, I love One Path Ends because 1) we go back to Orr, 2) ORR IS HEALING, 3) we get to kill Risen like the good old days and, for those of us wielding Caladbolg, we get to weep over it, 4) THERE ARE SYLVARI UPHOLDING TRAHEARNE’S LEGACY, 5) the ghost King Reza is still around ;alkjsdf;lakjsdf 6) well I think you get the point. “Callback nostalgia episode” yes, but not because of GW1, haha. I’m not saying none of this happened; I’m saying it’s not part of the Commander’s character arc.

The main reason is that it wasn’t originally planned in the pacing and arrangement of the rest of S3. Anet devs realized there would be a big gap between the end of S3 and the start of PoF, so they spun up an extra episode. Now, if it meshed nicely with the rest of the season, I wouldn’t mind, but it doesn’t. It ends on a high and happy note, which destroys the message and arc of the rest of S3, which is a negative Fall arc.

You go from one (1) ally and three big baddies, to being inducted into the Shining Blade (the Commander being desperately lonely and needing allies?) to completely making mincemeat out of all the doubts and insecurities that plague them in one or two combat sessions. That’s just… not how it works, in real life or in narrative story theory. That part I think can’t have happened right. I think the Commander’s trauma was just so bad it broke the system. I’ve spent some time analyzing the mechanics of the boss fight to see what psychological processes they’re manipulating, but it seems to hinge on “use the guilt to motivate you to do better! at some point you’ll hit rock bottom and after that there’s nowhere to go but up!” which. is. not at all how that works. That may have been what the Commander did, but in no way shape or form did it heal them from the trauma or in any way insulate them against it being used against them.

In fact, it probably made the trauma, the guilt, and everything else worse. If you’ve ever read the Wheel of Time, where Rand tries to “make himself harder” by reciting a list of all the women who’ve died because of him… it’s rather chilling to watch him get more and more closed off emotionally over the course of the series because the guilt of everything is too much, he can’t take any more. He shuts down and does his Chosen One duties, sacrificing everything he used to love, seeing his friends as pawns on a chessboard. Some of the other characters make it their mission to make him capable of laughing again, because he needs to be able to feel, to love, in order to fulfil his destiny. (I won’t spoil it for you, although if you play GW2 and can read fourteen books, I need to be your best friend.)

Anyway, that’s what would be happening to the Commander in this trial. Eventually they’d be hard enough that the trial just wouldn’t work on them. I don’t think it would take much, not when there’s nothing really at stake here and they knows it’s just phantoms, and not when they’s pretty hard already.

And that’s if the trial would have actually worked the way it was conceptualized. You can’t just beat up your own inner demons by yourself like that, without any emotional support. This is true for any trauma, much less the Commander’s specific ones, relating to loss and death as they do.

One Path Ends has to happen because that’s how we find the Eye of Janthir and find out where Balthazar went. We also get to kill Lazarus, because GW1 points - and also, because you can’t end a major season in a video game without a bossfight, and it has to be one where the player actually defeats the baddie. It’s just… not the baddie that’s at all important. (Why did we try to take him on with just the two of us, anyway?)

Take out it's significance to the narrative arc and the mission in Orr is a spark of green amidst the misery, it’s non-critical (it’s about Lazarus and not Balthazar), and gives the Commander something to kill. So it’s just a bunch of Things That Happened but didn’t change the Commander’s story arc or how they approaches their Lies.

Now, there is something I’ve thought about before: shifting One Path Ends from an epilogue for S3 and turning it into a prologue for PoF. (I’d still ditch the Shining Blade trial, though.) Being in Orr with its greenery, and the reminders of Trahearne, is the perfect preparation for the return arc the Commander is about to experience in PoF.

Like I’ve said before, the Commander isn’t a “blank slate,” they’s an Etch-A-Sketch. Anet has drawn a picture for us. There is a narrative arc. We can shake it up and do our own thing completely if we want, or we can keep and expound on Anet’s example. Their example includes this wonky One Path Ends for game-content reasons, and while I can’t bring myself to erase it completely (Green Orr is too amazing), I can negate it’s narrative impact or move it to a place that makes more sense.

[jonathanssweatercollection]

you still resent nancy and jonathan for getting together???? for “hurting steve’s feelings”??? despite the fact that he verbally supported their relationship like 2 hours after seeing them together. this from a season that released 6 fucking years ago. a season prior to him saying that he was NOT in love with nancy anymore. do you want me to call shawn levy and tell him of your dilemma. bestie do you need to rewatch the source material

[darkcomets]

I had my farmer, Clover, go the Abigail route since I loved her vibe and heart events, but I also really wanted to try out Shane’s heart events, but not go past 8 hearts.

So now I just think that Clover and Shane are sad buddies who give each other useless pieces of advice and try to convince one another to not die the next day (it’s mainly jokes). Clover gives Shane the small nudges he needs to help himself when things get a little too rough for him, and Shane just keeps Clover from doing any stupid shit when Abigail isn’t around to control her wife’s impulsive ass. Abigail and Shane had basically formed an alliance to stop Clover ending up in the Darwin Awards. Also Clover keeps trying to convince Shane to let her have a chicken play date with her chickens and his chickens.

She’s just a silly 19-year-old who just got out of the prison of the city and escaped selling her soul to Joja.

[7mbueart]

“Diego, why do humans hate us so much?”

“I don’t know, Giorno”

[immobiliter]

i am fully prepared for hoyo to prove me wrong on this, but i do think that the only way furina could life a free and happy life is if she does so outside of fontaine

[mymistakewriting]

ok so now i need to ask. What are your thoughts on Magneto?

I have a lot of thoughts about Magneto. TO be fair, I have a lot of thoughts about the X-Men in general, but Magneto specifically is one that comes with a lot of complications.

First, some of his framing in some of the comics and definitely in the absolutely terrible live action films makes me want to tear my hair out like???? can we please not go the route of Holocaust survivor turns into evil dictator with the same blood purity ideology held by Hitler????

I think Magneto is a wonderful counter to Xavier, don't get me wrong. He has the makings of a strong villain, but the way they approach his side of things is wildly disproportionate to what they should be, especially considering that in a lot of the storylines that address his past in the war don't ever actually talk about the fact that no, his goal was always to try to prevent another genocide against Mutants after he survived a genocide?

And I know that there are a million and one backstories in the comics, I do. But all of them come to the same shortcoming: they all say his goal was protection. Great, that's a really interesting thing. The handling of is should have been SO much better.

Magneto is a character I don't discuss with people very much on purpose. He's always a character that I have on my restricted or banned list when I have Marvel servers that I'm running because opinions on him are so heavily divided and he's a character with so much nuance that I just don't trust anyone writing him - including active writers for the comics. The idea of him is so interesting. His power is ABSOLUTELY something that I think about a lot. But I got tired of the same old rhetoric of using a tragedy to villainize someone. And I got really tired of explaining that I really like Magneto as a character BECAUSE he survived something that still actively impacts people of my culture to this day as someone with Roma heritage.