#stories of hardship or happiness or family or loneliness

[crimsoncold]

have you ever thought about the snow queen fairytale in connection to jonsa? it might be a reach but i can see elements of them in there

Hi asoiastarks! Please forgive my very delayed and rambly response to this ask

I hadn't really considered this fairytale before but when I thought about it in depth I ended up having way more to say about the connection between Jon and Sansa's stories (and Jonsa as a romantic pairing) and fairytales in general than I expected so I'm putting my response below...

While I wouldn't say that there is one specific fairytale that jonsa (or jon and sansa individually) clearly and directly follows I would totally agree with the opinion that Jon and Sansa (two of asoiaf's comparatively most traditionally romantic characters) definitely seem to draw from or echo several common aspects found with protagonists of traditional fairy tales- both as individual characters and as a potential romantic pairing.

I've definitely seen people describe Sansa as a romantic heroine that has tragically been "misplaced" into a brutal world like westeros- and I think that description holds up and that ultimately her gentle and romantic nature will result in an end that is not simply having all her happiness and hope being destroyed by consistent trauma and narrative punishment but rather will have to involve her life flourishing into something beautiful but still grounded providing a more satisfying end for someone who maintains much of the sort of traditional kindness/goodness found with the typical fairytale princess despite the horrors around her- otherwise asoiaf would seem little more than an outright bitter and nihilistic story

I also think we shouldn't sleep on Jon who underneath his wonderfully bitchy sarcastic grumpy or occasionally ruthless exterior holds similarly romantic values and thoughts

Generally speaking it wouldn't surprise me that someone could find commonalities between a fairytale and Jon and Sansa, I feel that many common tropes that are found in a great number of fairytales can correspond to aspects of Jon's or Sansa's individual story and personalities or to Jonsa as a pairing by itself.

Just listing a few off the top of my head ...Having and reclaiming some secret identity that they may or may not have know about, young members of nobility/royalty raised or living in hiding due to their lives being in peril- typically in a position of lower class than they might actually belong to; being the target of the machinations wrath or cruelty of evil kings/queens/or some type of sorcerer or spellcaster, having notable interactions with or a special connection to animals or some type of mythical creature, the concept of being resurrected from some form of permanent sleep or even death

.... and of course in the case of a possible romantic relationship forming- them being character's who after experiencing incredible hardship, tragedy, or sorrow are ultimately awarded for exhibiting, maintaining, or gaining traits such as kindness/compassion/bravery/dutifulness/or selflessness, the possibility of either of them occupying the role of a hero or saviour for the other from either literal physical threats/enemies or more metaphorical ones like their loneliness or emotional trauma, as well as having a completed and happy story arc that ultimately cumulates in them forming a deeply intimate and loving partnership or marriage.

When it comes to the Snow Queen specifically I'm only passingly familiar with this fairytale (so please forgive me in advance if I miss something obvious or get any details wrong) but based on my very basic knowledge of this fairytale I can definitely think of a number of interesting commonalities/parallels this fairytale could have to Jonsa.

Firstly, because so much of Jon, Sansa, and the Stark family's storyline is rooted in a snowy and cold environment (the north, winterfell, the wall, etc.) and because one major threat in the overall story comes in the form of "ice" (i.e. the Long Night and the Others coming from beyond the wall) it doesn't surprise me that one could find a number of (at least surface leve)l commonalities to a story like the snow queen with its similarly icy setting and villain, as well as find a number of common basic story elements/imagery that occur in both- though not always in the same type of context or role (e.g. the appearance of or focus on ice/snow/snowflakes, roses, crows, doves, and a girl traveling and reuniting with someone in the north, the emphasis put on the sweetness or goodness of a character, and the unexpected effect or power that a character's faith/prayers/love/or inherent goodness can have on the world or people around them)

Most of all i can definitely see the potential for some more direct similarities between the snow queen and a hypothetical (but very possible) jonsa endgame for asoiaf....

First in the form of a character like jon being healed and changed from his own altered state (e.g. some form of strangeness, purposelessness, distantness, coldness, harshness, forgetfulness, or trauma that occurs in the aftermath of his time with the night's watch and his subsequent assassination and resurrection) after he is reunited and touched by the sweetness and affection- the love, tears, or even kiss- of a distantly regarded (or even forgotten post resurrection?) but once beloved part of his childhood- in the form of a girl he was raised with who has made a dangerous and long trek north to be reunited with him,

Secondly I could see strong paralelles occuring regarding the ending, i.e. one that centers around two individuals returning to their common home, grown and deeply changed by their experiences but with a hopeful and happier future promised or symbolized in the form of the changing season (with the upcoming one promising to be a time of warmth and renewal after the comparatively harsh or treacherous winter).

Side Note:

Given got/asoiaf's efforts towards exemplifying a far more corrupt, harsh, cruel, senseless and unjust world than what is typically seen in fantasy works I'm not exactly expecting an ending chock-full of sunshine and rainbows....

However I find it notable that Sansa, and to some extent Jon, exist as somewhat of an outlier in an explicity harsh and grim setting (and are further flanked by a number of characters that are a great deal less romantic and more pragmatic, if not outrightly more selfish, cruel, or even brutal and psychotic)

As a result there is something quite striking about the way many of Jon and Sansa's experiences, core personality traits, and their supposedly hopeless or rejected- yet still deeply idolized- dreams end up resembling eachother in so many ways.

Their desires and motives may (for lack of a better word) be comparatively "simpler" and more straightforward than those of many other characters yet they also correspond to an underlying shared sense of duty and desire for family, and are simultaneously deeply meaningful to the character's personally while also exemplifying an appropriate blend of the series realism/pragmatism with jon and sansa's trademark romanticism.

I do believe that a bittersweet but hopeful and affectionate end for these characters and this epic fantasy tale can definitely (at least in part) take the form of not just a reunion of the surviving starks but also in a sort of slightly twisted and bastardized fairytale end for the series via Jon and Sansa having their dreams (of winterfell, marriage, and family) being fulfilled by a respectful, willing, and even loving marriage to one another.

(a love and relationship that would initially be appropriately fraught and seemingly forbidden or obscene but ultimately would be allowed to blossom giving these two characters the closest a story like asoiaf will ever get to a traditionally "happy" fairytale ending)

A Jonsa endgame would also offer a thematically appropriate foil to several other notable romantic relationships in the series...

Like seriously there is way too much sibling incest in this series for GRRM not to be building up to something/coming full circle in the end with a very different but still pseudo-incestuous relationship in the form of Jonsa

... like I swear to god he's gonna be like "here have a bunch of current, recent, and long past tragic, ruinous, and/or deeply unhealthy and harmful incestuous marriages and relationships...isn't this obviously always such a terrible thing to occur?" only to go against typical expectations of readers and once again reject the simplicity of an obviously black and white story with a strong and consistent divide between the "heroes" and the "villains" and instead sucker punch the audience by offering up an emotionally and thematically fulfilling but somewhat unusual (even uncomfortable for a number of readers) and bittersweet end that once again involves an incestuous (of sorts) relationship only this time amongst the "good" characters in the story, in the form of a marriage between cousins and psuedo siblings Jon and Sansa.

[picklepie888]

This is a question with a long and short form answer. The short answer would be that Final Space has taught me to maintain hope, even when things are hopeless. To me, this is the core message of Final Space, a show I've come to love so dearly. As for the long answer, let me get real and raw with y'all for a second.

In 2013, I lost my father to liver cancer. I was 14 years old at the time, the same age as Little Cato. It was the lowest point of my life. I was starting high school at the time, and I couldn't get excited about it because it was the first big new chapter of my life that I had to start without my dad. The depression and grief I felt was unbearable. I was doing poorly in my classes, and the person I thought was my best friend didn't want anything to do with me anymore. For the first time in my life I felt completely alone. This lasted for months, and the pain and loneliness did not let up. I began to wonder if I would ever truly be happy again. Then I connected with the man who would become my stepfather. My mother reached out to him and he became more involved in mine and my mother's lives. He was there whenever I needed a father figure, and he helped me feel not so lonely. Sometime later I had also met someone new in high school. A girl I had no prior connection with, but we shared a mutual friend. She and I shared a lunch period in our sophmore year, and we became close. We sat and talked every single day and soon enough we were calling each other 'sister'. She is my best friend to this day.

When I watched Final Space for the first time, I realized that many of the hardships the characters went through hit close to home with me. I was once Little Cato, but then I found my Gary. I was once Ash, but then I found my Evra. I was amazed to have discovered a TV show that felt so personal to me. This show became a huge source of comfort to me, and it's not because the show is always wholesome and happy. In fact, it's because the characters go through tragedy and failure, but still overcoming all of that, that makes the show so comforting.

Gary and the Team Squad failing to save the Earth in season one was shocking and the consequences were devestating. It seemed like that would be the end of everything. But it wasn't. Gary had a new mission after his first failure, and that was to save Quinn and bring his new family back together. Gary got back up after being knocked down, not because he wanted to but because he had to. He found hope again and he was able to find joy in the company of his new family. This is why little moments in season 2 of the Team Squad just having fun and enjoying each other mean so much to me. Every member of the Team Squad had their own personal issues they had to deal with, but they chose to deal with them all together.

Final Space became very special to me, as I rarely come across a piece of media that has me invested in every aspect of it. From the message, the characters, the story, the worldbuilding, I was in love with it all. And as I learned more about the show's upbringing, that had only made me fall deeper in love. Seeing Olan Rogers' humble beginnings as a YouTube creator to pitching his first animated series to TV. To his best friend Coty Galloway earning the role of Avocato thanks to the undeniable chemistry he has with Olan. To seeing what went on behind the scenes of every episode and witnessing just how much love and talent all who were involved with the show put into it. Then I connected with other fans of the show online, and we all came together to build a small but beautiful online community. I met so many good people, and seen so much amazing fan content by incredibly talented and dedicated fans. Final Space felt like a show that was meant for me. And I wanted so badly for it to last as long as Olan had intended for it to.

But then in 2021, word had finally got out of the show's cancellation. After a long suspenseful wait with no news of a renewal, Olan finally got word that Warner was not interested in continuing the show. I was devestated, but it was not an unfamiliar pain. I had dealt with several shows I loved being cancelled before. But then things got worse. In 2022, during the merger of WB and Discovery, David Zaslav announced that several properties were being written off for tax purposes. So many projects that so many people put so much love, care and effort into were being erased from existence, never to be found again. And Final Space was among them. The lowest of the low. No going back from that. You'd think that'd be the end of everything. But it wasn't.

In 2023, Olan Rogers announced that after fighting for so long, Warner finally gave him some leeway and granted him a liscense to publish a graphic novel ending the story of Final Space. And there it was. Hope. Once again, I felt the joy I had before when I was watching the show as it aired. I had waited for salvation to come and it did. All of my fellow fans rejoiced that day, and we've all watched Olan on his journey since that day in completing this novel. It's been difficult for him as he has never completed a graphic novel before, but he's gotten support from both the fans, and the artists helping him create the novel. It's still tragic that this is the way it has to end, but at least now it is getting an end, and we have Olan to thank for that. For his dedication, and for his unwillingness to back down after being dealt a bad hand. Like Gary going up against Invictus with the knowledge of having no chance of winning, Olan went up against WB and fought his hardest. He did his best, and that's good enough for me.

I have been asked before by some fans if I feel any bitterness now whenever I visit the show again because of the fate it has gotten. And I have to say, if I had the chance to watch the show for the first time all over again with the knowledge that I would fall completely in love with it while it gets the worst fate known to television history, I would absolutely watch it again. One hundred percent. I have no regrets when it comes to watching this show. Despite the pain and devastation it had brought me to see this show get so unfairly mistreated by the network who owns it, Final Space still brings me nothing but joy and empowerment each time I rewatch it. It may not have as big a fanbase as many cartoons do, and Warner Bros may not give a shit about it at all, but at the end of the day, Final Space wasn't made for them. It was made for us. It was made for all of us. Every one of us who has loved the show, talked about it, learned from it, got comfort from it, connected with others because of it. We the audience are the ones Olan and his team set out to reach with his creation. And he succeeded. He succeeded freaking hard.

So the ultimate ending of Final Space may be a tragic one, but it is not a hopeless one. Far from it in fact. I'm holding out on hope that we may someday see these beloved characters again in some form. Maybe as an animated adaptation of the graphic novel, or maybe in a copyright friendly legally distinct format *cough cough* But even if that doesn't happen, and this novel truly is our last and final time with these characters, I have made peace with that. I am happy I've gotten to know this story and these characters, and that's something no force in this plain of existence can take from me. Not Invictus. Not WB. Not Zaslav or any other big wigs in suits. I will always have Final Space with me, and I will always look back on it with joy in my heart. And I look forward to what the future will bring for Olan as a creator. I plan on supporting him with every new project he brings, and I know with all the experience he had gained from making Final Space that he will go on to do even greater things. I can't wait for Godspeed, The Lion's Blaze, and all his other projects to be realized. And all the while I will maintain hope that we may see Gary Goodspeed and the Team Squad again someday, even if that may not seem possible now. After all...

Salvation comes in the blink of an eye.

[himebushou]

It would be really interesting if Kazuki and Rei decided to stay as hitmen at the end of Buddy Daddies.

A lot of time in series where the protagonists are 'bad guys', they end up changing their behaviour in order to become better people. This can involve giving up jobs which are morally questionable, altering world views and so on. In essence, the change from 'bad person' to 'good person' serves as the story's narrative arc.

However, Buddy Daddies has repeatedly demonstrated that Rei and Kazuki are loving individuals; their ability to love is used as an indicator of their goodness. These men are flawed, complex and idiotic. Nevertheless, they both demonstrate the capacity to care for other living beings, be they people, plants or animals.

Although looking after Miri does interefere with their work, they're still able to execute their jobs with (some degrees of) professionalism. They question the compatibility of looking after a child while being killers, but this plot point appears to be more or less resolved by the end of Episode 3, when they decide to take Miri home. The decision of whether or not to live with Miri could have easily stretched over the entirety of the series — but the conflict finds a conclusion in the first quarter.

Arguably, the central theme of Buddy Daddies is loneliness. Kazuki is abandoned by his parents, Rei is effectively disowned and Miri is given too much freedom for a child so young. Yet, the trio are able to combat their collective pain by becoming a family; in turn, they confront and overcome the individual hardships that had deeply impacted their lives and regain some feelings of self-worth. Kazuki is finally given permission to be happy, Rei is at last allowed to be vulnerable and Miri is never resented for acting her age. She is occasionally on the receiving end of some scolding, but Kazuki and Rei's reactions to Miri's antics typically involve confusion — never outright anger.

So, in some ways, I'd really like to see Kazuki, Rei and Miri stay as they are and for Buddy Daddies to wrap up as a 'Family Story of Two Killers and a Girl'. It would be subversive. It would be fulfilling. It would be interesting.

Personally, I also feel that being hitmen is too large a part of Kazuki and Rei's identities for either of them to suddenly give it up (before the last few episodes, I thought that Kazuki had gotten into the underworld due to his connection to Rei — I was really pleased to see that Kazuki had been a hitman prior to ever meeting Rei because it gave Kazuki authority, making him a partner rather than a sidekick). They probably wouldn't know what to do with themselves. And the main motivations for having to give it up i.e. that anyone could die at any time, or that Miri might find the truth scary, simply don't apply. Miri adores the fact that Rei Papa is good with a gun. She brags about Rei's skills whenever the opportunity arises.

In fact, when her life is in danger, this precious and precocious girl:

Taps the gun curiously.

So, how will things work out? Roll on Episode 9.

[nemo-of-house-hamartia]

Dear Nemo, so nice to see you back! for the meme game, can you make one for Jacob and Dottie as a ship? I miss seeing them on my dash.

Hello Hello Duckling! So nice to see you in my inbox! I was so happy to see your ask! (and sorry for taking so long in answering! I appreciate your patience! I hope you don't mind but I took the chance to make this meme for Jacob and Dottie a bit farther ahead in their story than what I usually draw/write.)

✨JOTTIE (JacobxDorothea)🎩

MOODBOARD

PLAYLIST:

"Temple of Thought" - Poets of The Fall

"Amaranthine" - Amaranthe

"My Love Will Never Die" - Claire Wyndham

"Dancing on Broken Glass" - Poets of The Fall

"Jealous Gods" - Poets of The Fall

"War" - Poets of the Fall

QUOTES

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you...I could walk through my garden forever.”

― Alfred Tennyson

“I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone”

― J. R. R. Tolkien

“You make me thank god for every mistake I ever made, Because each one led me down the path that brought me to you.” ― Pablo Neruda

“I choose to love you in silence… For in silence I find no rejection, I choose to love you in loneliness… For in loneliness no one owns you but me, I choose to adore you from a distance… For distance will shield me from pain, I choose to kiss you in the wind… For the wind is gentler than my lips, I choose to hold you in my dreams… For in my dreams, you have no end.” ― Rumi

THEIR AESTHETIC:

A walk along the Thames in the dead of the night with the stars as their companions and protectors; an impromptu dance on cobblestone and the beating of their hearts as the sole music that gives them rhythm; a sweet song he hums with his low voice; a glance that alone speaks of years spent together, of hardship fought and conquered, of peace finally found; low laughter shared at a memory of the family they created; a morning spent in bed, cuddling and laughing together; the perfume of orange blossom and smoked pipe; a stack of letters neatly preserved if a little worn out for all the times they had been read; a violin playing and a voice singing the song of their hearts, just for his ears alone; warm tea sipped together in front of the fireplace; a soft blanket shared together; falling asleep on a worn-out sofa in each other's arms, the only place where they feel safe enough to let go of all worries; hearing the beating of his heart, strong and steady, just as he is; hearing her breathing while asleep, safe and sound in his arms.

[ericamdn]

“THE CHAPTERS OF MY LIFE”

In the earliest chapters of my life, at the early age of seven, the foundation of my world tore apart as my parents relationship fell victim to betrayal. Their paths go different ways as they cheated on each other, stained the canvas of our once happy family. They forgot that I was still a child, they forgot about my innocence. I was their only child yet they failed to protect their relationship for us, for me. The once happy home I dreamed of has now become an illusion, shattered by the harsh reality of my parents' broken relationship. The night was punctuated by silent arguments, echoes of resentment echoing through the narrow hallways of our modest home. I was a young spectator of a mess family, witnessed the love, replaced by the bitter taste of separation. Back then, I have wished that I hope one day I will experience the happy relationship of my parents but after that day it was my first time regretting something. Their relationship served as a reminder to me that even close bonds that you’ll think would last, can break.

Loneliness became my silent companion, an unwanted shadow lingering in the corner of every room. While other children enjoyed the warmth of family affection, I navigated the maze of my lonely emotions. School became a happy place rather than our home, a temporary escape from the persistent pain that clung to me like a second skin. I found myself caught up in the tide of their grievances, a secondary victim of a war waged by words and unspoken resentments. The once familiar landscape of my hometown had become unfamiliar territory, the boundary between my parents felt like an unbridgeable abyss. The joyful laugh of my peers at school was different to the quiet that encompassed my domestic. The whispers and sidelong looks from classmates served as consistent updates of my seen insufficiencies. Evenings were went through within the noiseless grasp of my tears, looking for a hope from a world that appeared impassive to my battles. 

In adolescence, a special someone became my unwavering support. In the midst of all this, I found a quiet strength within me. I realized I needed help, so I started talking to someone about my feelings. It was tough, but slowly I began to heal. He became a safe place where I could sort out my emotions. Through storms, he was my listener. His presence is a testament to genuine connection providing hope in dark times. He’s really someone special to me, someone whos been with me for a long time now, someone who never lost his hopes on me, someone who would fight for me, someone who would do anything for me and someone who only wishes whats the best for me. A knight in shining armor indeed, despite of it all he continues to support me in any away he can. Through the years, I transformed hardships into accomplishments, my resilience is a proof to the battles fought in my dark pasts. With this special someone by my side, the disbelief of my relatives was in an awe, that I would overcome the challenges in my past, pushing me beyond the traps of self-doubt. Together, we forged a partnership that changes the scars of my fractured childhood.

The scars of my past have become a map of my journey, each scar a testament to the battles I have faced. Recognizing the need for healing, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery. Therapy became my sanctuary, a safe space where I could untangle the tangled threads of my emotions. The healing process was slow, but I faced my struggles head-on. I learned to forgive and rebuild the broken parts of myself. As I stepped into adulthood, I carried the scars but also a newfound strength. I wanted a future different from my past. Our journey was not without its trials. Yet, in each obstacle, I discovered the strength that is sleeping within me. The challenges, that was once intimidating, became stepping stones towards a brighter horizon. The threads of my life story was created complicated but with the support of this steadfast ally, who never surrendered in his commitments to my well-being. In the tapestry of my growth, there were moments of doubt and despair, but they were overshadowed by some of the wins, making me realize that I was still somehow lucky. The simple gestures of encouragement, the shared laughter that echoed through the years, all stitched together to form the narrative of my life.

As the chapters of my life unfolded, I realized that strength is not just a product of individual resilience but also a reflection of the bonds that sustain us. The story, once shrouded in darkness, finds its resolution in the illumination of hope. The road ahead may still hold uncertainties, but I will find it with newfound strength and a heart that harbors the warmth of healing. The threads of sadness, once dominant, now share space with those of joy, creating a narrative that speaks not just of struggles endured but also of a resilient spirit that found its way back to the light. The scars of my parents' mistakes served as a reminder, but they also fueled the fire within me to create a different narrative for myself. In the tapestry of my existence, I stand today as a living proof to the transformative power of resilience and enduring love. The challenges that once threatened to define me are now vivid memories in a story of triumph over adversity. And through it all, that someone special remains my anchor, a constant reminder that even in the face of shattered foundations, one can build a life filled with strength, purpose, and unwavering love. Life’s journey, filled with sad moments, taught me resilience. Now, as an adult, I navigate life with a heart warmed by healing. The tough times shaped me, but they don’t define me. The story, once dark, now has moments of joy, showing that even after storms, there can be a sunny day.

[mtdthoughts]

Santa Claus (Migi & Dali Thought)

It's a bit curious that Santa Claus was mentioned a couple times in the story, and I want to talk about it a bit in this post.

Note that spoilers for the whole story are mentioned.

I wanted to talk about this because Santa is heavily associated with Christmas, which has much significance in the story:

On Christmas night, Metry died trying to take back Eiji, who believed that Santa had come to visit him.

When Dali is interrogating Eiji using the Sali persona and asks about the Christmas photo, Eiji brings up Santa and asks Sali if Santa had visited her, to which Sali responds saying that Santa had never came, a clear reference to Dali's tragic past.

The conclusion of the main story takes place during the Christmas season, with repeated mentions of Santa and presents while Dali is forcing himself into Migi's shadow.

On Christmas Day, Dali received his first Christmas present (from "Santa"), and after he was accepted by the Sonoyamas and was encouraged by Migi, he finally left the shadows and accepted himself and his new happy life with them.

Thus, there should be some purpose and meaning behind Sano’s usage of Santa Claus and Christmas.

As most people know, Santa can be seen as a symbol of generosity, childhood innocence, hope and belief, as well love, kindness, and compassion, which were things that Eiji had throughout his childhood. Sure, it wasn’t healthy to live under Reiko’s care, but Eiji was blessed in his childhood, unlike the twins who experienced nothing but hardship. That’s why Dali was angry when Eiji asked about Santa, as he only had loneliness, trauma, grief, neglect, disillusionment, and isolation throughout his childhood, and was likely jealous of Eiji who had such a great life. Santa never coming to Dali could symbolize a loss of his innocence and the fact that Dali’s dreams and desires were never met.

After the twins returned home from the Ichijo house after the fire, Migi finally got to experience the happy family life he’s always wanted, yet Dali stayed in the shadows. He seemed happy that his beloved brother would finally get “visited by Santa”, but I’m pretty sure that Dali wanted it too. Yet, he forced himself into Migi’s shadow likely because of his guilt and self-loathing stemming from the aftermath of his revenge, which is reinforced by the idea that Santa only gives gifts to good children. Indeed, while Dali saw Migi as good, he saw himself as bad, unforgivable, and undeserving of happiness. That could explain why he was so shocked to see that he received a present too. But more importantly, the real present he received was love, a family’s love, something that he didn’t have but wanted deep down for so very long, which is highlighted in his crying during breakfast, as it was asserted to Dali that he was a good boy and deserved happiness too.

A comment on a previous post of mine asked whether this was a Christmas story. In my opinion, it sure is. Although the story is quite dark with elements of revenge, it strongly aligns with many core Christmas themes such as joy, love, family, forgiveness, and redemption, and the fact that pivotal plot events occurred on Christmas certainly cements this idea. That's one reason why I view this story really as Dali's story rather than the twins', as it was all about Dali's struggle in overcoming not just his dark past but his own sins as well as himself, and it was through love and family that he was finally able to accept himself and find redemption.

[biboocat]

Villette, 1853

Wow, I was so impressed with this noveI! I was struck by its deep introspection, courageous exploration of loneliness, and somber realism. The protagonist, Lucy Snowe, is a highly perceptive and repressed young woman who, having no better option, stoically faces life’s hardships as a teacher abroad without family, fortune, or exceptional physical beauty. She is an outsider who can acutely observe her world but is constrained from fully participating in it. It is a heartbreaking and dark masterpiece with great psychological insight and beautiful, emotive prose. By the time it was written Charlotte Brontë had lost her five beloved siblings and mother. She died two years following its publication in 1855 at age 38.

The story does have several remarkable coincidences that may be criticized by today’s standards, but I’ve encountered this in other Victorian novels. I read an opinion that postulated classical literature’s influence, in particular the theme of Fate, and religious belief in Providence, both extant in the 19th century, made this device more commonplace.

Some memorable passages:

It’s early on, and I’m charmed by precociously sensitive 6 yo Polly. I like Lucy Snowe’s observant nature that is wise beyond her years in her observation of Polly: “‘A very unique child’, thought I, as I viewed her sleeping countenance by the fitful moonlight, and cautiously and softly wiped her glittering eyelids and her wet cheeks with my handkerchief. ‘How will she get through this world, or battle with this life? How will she bear the shocks and repulses, the humiliations and desolations, which books and my own reason tell me are prepared for all flesh?‘

“Many a times since have I noticed, in persons of Ginerva Fanshawe’s light, careless temperament, and fair, fragile style of beauty, an entire incapacity to endure. They seem to sour in adversity, like small beer in thunder. The man who takes such a woman for his wife ought to be prepared to guarantee her an existence all sunshine. Indignant at last with her teasing peevishness, I curtly requested her to ‘hold her tongue’.”

“I seemed to hold two lives – the life of thought, and that of reality.“

Her nerve and psychological acumen: first teaching day coup. 79-80

She is a depressive during the school break.

Where the bodily presence is weak and speech contemptible, surely there cannot be error in making written language of the medium of better utterance than faltering lips can achieve?

This hag, this Reason, would not let me look up, or smile, or hope; she cannot rest unless I were altogether crushed, cowed, broken in, and broken down. According to her, I was born only to work for a piece of bread, to await the pains of death, and steadily through all life to despond. Reason might be right; yet no wonder we are glad of times to defy her, to rush under her rod and give a truant hour to Imagination, her soft, bright foe, our sweet Help, our divine Hope. We shall and must break bounds at intervals, despite the terrible revenge that awaits our return. p223

No mockery in this world ever sounds to me so hollow as that of being told to cultivate happiness. What does such advice mean? Happiness is not a potato, to be planted in mould, and tilled with manure.

If life be a war, it seemed my destiny to conduct it single-handed. p288

Life is so constructed that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation. p395

Yes, it (solitude) is sadness. Life, however, has worse than that. Deeper than melancholy lies heartbreak. p410

There is, in lovers, a certain infatuation of egotism. They will have a witness of their happiness, cost that witness what it may. p410

In this outer rank I took place. I’d rather like to find myself the silent, unknown, consequently unaccosted neighbor of the short petticoat and the sabot, and only the distant gazer at the silk robe, the velvet mantle, and the plumed chapeau. Amidst so much life and joy, too, it suited me to be alone – quite alone. Having neither wish nor power to force my way through a mass so close-packed, my station was on the farthest confines, where, indeed, I might hear, but could see little. p438

1 5Feb'53: Villette! Villette! Have you read it? I am only just returned to a sense of the real world about me for I have been reading Villette, a still more wonderful book than Jane Eyre. There is something almost preternatural in its power. - George Eliot

[lorenzmartinez]

MINI CRITIQUE

TRUE NARATIVE

A true narrative is a factual account or story that accurately depicts real events or experiences.

• Title : A happy day turned bad

• Author : Mr. Dwyer

• Thesis statement

Thesis Statement: The narrative of a young girl's unexpected separation from her family in a rural Chinese village, her subsequent journey through uncertainty and abandonment, and eventual adoption into an American family serves as a poignant reflection on resilience, identity, and the unexpected twists of fate that shape our lives.

• Summary

The story follows a four-year-old girl living in a small village in China. Despite the simplicity of her life, she enjoys moments of play and freedom until a sudden event shatters her world. Her mother, filled with fear, abruptly takes her away, leading to a journey filled with confusion and loneliness. Abandoned in a park, the girl waits in vain for her mother's return before being taken in by strangers and eventually placed in an orphanage. Despite the initial struggle with her newfound circumstances, she eventually finds solace in the care of the orphanage staff. Years later, she is adopted by an American family, offering her a new identity and a sense of belonging. Through her journey, she discovers resilience and the belief that every experience, no matter how painful, has a purpose.

• Evaluation

The narrative effectively captures the emotions and experiences of the protagonist, immersing the reader in her journey of loss, uncertainty, and eventual hope. The vivid descriptions paint a clear picture of the setting and the girl's inner turmoil, allowing readers to empathize with her plight. The story skillfully explores themes of abandonment, resilience, and the search for identity, offering a compelling narrative arc that keeps the reader engaged until the end. Additionally, the use of sensory details helps create a sense of immediacy, drawing the reader into the protagonist's world and evoking strong emotional responses. Overall, the narrative is well-crafted, poignant, and thought-provoking.

• The primary character is a young girl living in rural China, whose journey from abandonment to adoption unfolds against the backdrop of her village. Her mother's desperate actions set her on a path of resilience and self-discovery, while encounters with strangers and caregivers along the way shape her understanding of family and belonging.

• The plot revolves around a young girl's sudden separation from her family in a rural Chinese village, her journey through abandonment and loneliness, and eventual adoption into an American family. It follows her emotional and psychological growth as she navigates the challenges of her circumstances, ultimately finding hope and a sense of belonging despite the initial hardships she faces.

• Overall, the narrative presents a poignant and compelling story of resilience, identity, and the search for belonging. Through the protagonist's journey from abandonment to adoption, the reader is immersed in a tale that explores the complexities of family, the impact of unforeseen circumstances, and the strength of the human spirit to overcome adversity. The vivid descriptions and emotive storytelling make for a captivating read that leaves a lasting impression on the reader.

• In conclusion, the narrative of the young girl's journey from abandonment to adoption offers a powerful testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the transformative power of hope. Through her experiences, the reader is reminded of the universal longing for connection and belonging, and the enduring ability to find light in the darkest of circumstances. This story serves as a poignant reminder that even in moments of despair, there is always the potential for new beginnings and the possibility of finding a place to call home.

• Testimonies are emotionally gripping narrative that beautifully captures the resilience and hope of the human spirit."

[mackenziesescape]

Assignment #4

I decided to watch the film "Amelie" for my last assignment. Amelie is about a fantasy where the main character Amelie overcomes her sadness from childhood, and is able to change her life and create happiness for herself as she gets older. As a viewer ,I can feel her emotions through the screen going from childhood to adulthood, and one can understand her feelings of neglect, sadness, and loneliness from not receiving love and affection from her father.

The first thing I noticed about the movie when I first started to watch was the use of color. Set in Paris, the use of color such as yellows and browns, that the camera picks up on, gives the movie an older feel. This older feel, can also be called nostalgia of early 20th century Paris.

Also, the times when Amelie is outside, the film takes into account all the details of the outdoors, such as 'cafes'. These details give the setting a better view, and lets viewers really understand where the story takes place.

Food and memory are another theme in 'Amelie'. For example, like the cafe I talked about above. Paris is known for its cafes, and when Amelie gives a tour to a blind man, lots of shows known in Paris are shown to viewers. These locations give viewers even more insight into Amelie's world, and what it's like living in Paris.

The storytelling of the movie is also a big part of this film. Viewers are able to connect to Amelie, and really understand her life and hardships she goes through. The director also uses classes French cinema in the ways of using long takes and jump cuts throughout the movie, giving it a very classic and old feel.

Finally, when home alone in her apartment, Amélie's world seems quieter; her loneliness more apparent. This recognizable sense of isolation will be familiar to anyone who has spent time living in a city, It feels almost like he global pandemic, which has forced people inside their homes for over a year, keeping families and friends apart and robbing so many of the joy of human connection

Overall, 'Amelie' was a movie I would recommend to other people wanting to take a deeper look into film and the details that come within them.

[tragedyofdevotion]

Possession

Is this angst or fluff? I am not so sure.

What I do know is that this is a story where Jamil Viper is truly in love with you...

Jamil believed that a human could never belong to another in the true sense of the word.

Even if one had the possession of the other’s lives, there was no way that they would have control over the person’s heart.

He could present himself as an instance. He is a servant of the Asim family, who has to lay his life down if Kalim Al Asim is in peril. However, his ambitions were far beyond the duties given to him by his blood. That was why, he defiled his role by betraying his master.

Hence, he was never able to understand why in poems and novels, lovers often say “I am yours,” or similar things. Love was merely the defense mechanism of humans against the overwhelming loneliness of being alive.

For that reason, he understood that he could not dominate your choices even though you were his partner. More so, since he could easily discern why you made that decision.

You were magicless in this foreign world, which revolves around magic. You were ignorant of the knowledge of the ways to survive, and you also do not have any family to rely on.

So, he could not blame you for accepting Kalim’s proposal. Although he does not want to admit it, Kalim was kind and bright. Considering his wealth, Kalim could also provide you a fulfilling life, one where you does not have to concern about your lack of abilities. Moreover, unlike his father, Kalim also pledged that he would not keep any mistress nor engage infidelity using the octopus’s contract. Kalim was that much in love with you. So, it was only natural that you accepted him. Jamil would do the same if he were in your place.

Even if he were to object it, it would not make a change, for as he mentioned earlier, humans can never belong to others, and consequently, you were never his possession.

In addition, he could not say with certainty that he can keep you happy. He was merely a servant. Although you would not have to worry about eating three meals in a day, he cannot ensure you a life of comfort. What is more troubling is that there is few profession for those without magic in Twisted wonderland. The list goes on if he had to add.

But what he was most afraid of is that you and his children (if you two were to start a family) had to go through the agony he had to endure. After all, the wife and children of a servant could only become servants.

There was no chance Jamil, a mere attendant, could win against Kalim, the eldest son of the Asim family, like it had been for all his life.

It must have been difficult for you, too, comparing your love and reality, but you made the decision after thinking carefully about both of your future.

He knows this. Yet, if he was to be selfish for once, he wanted to steal you away, lock you up and never let you see the light again until you became his unquestionably. Although in reality, he could never do it. He could not destroy your well-deserved happiness. Ever since coming to this world, you had to face all kinds of hardships, and fought against the overblots for the sake of others. Now was finally the time you got your rest both in mind and body.

That was why, he only smiled as he looked at you and Kalim. Although the work at the mansion was vexing before, it became more bearable when he considered he was serving you. What he did daily was no longer a duty bestowed upon his as a Viper. It became a way of an assisting your enjoyment.

He lived his everyday thinking of ways to help you, serve you and make you delightful. He woke up for that reason, and slept for the same reason. He only lived for the sake of pleasing you. Now that he had found a cause, his empty days became more fulfilling.

He himself did not realize it, he had already become yours in the true sense of the word.

[youre-my-hope-im-your-hope]

my favorite books and their descriptions master list:

black beauty • anna bewell

Black Beauty spends his youth in a loving home, surrounded by friends and cared for by his owners. But when circumstances change, he learns that not all humans are so kind. Passed from hand to hand, Black Beauty witnesses love and cruelty, wealth and poverty, friendship and hardship . . . Will the handsome horse ever find a happy and lasting home?

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i’ll give you the sun • jandy nelson

At first, Jude and her twin brother Noah, are inseparable. Noah draws constantly and is falling in love with the charismatic boy next door, while daredevil Jude wears red-red lipstick, cliff-dives, and does all the talking for both of them. Years later, they are barely speaking. Something has happened to change the twins in different yet equally devastating ways... but then Jude meets an intriguing, irresistible boy and a mysterious new mentor. The early years are Noah's to tell; the later years are Jude's. But they each have only half the story, and if they can only find their way back to one another, they'll have a chance to remake their world.

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speak • laurie halse anderson

The first ten lies they tell you in high school.

"Speak up for yourself—we want to know what you have to say."

From the first moment of her freshman year at Merryweather High, Melinda knows this is a big fat lie, part of the nonsense of high school. She is friendless, outcast, because she busted an end-of-summer party by calling the cops, so now nobody will talk to her, let alone listen to her. As time passes, she becomes increasingly isolated and practically stops talking altogether. Only her art class offers any solace, and it is through her work on an art project that she is finally able to face what really happened at that terrible party: she was raped by an upperclassman, a guy who still attends Merryweather and is still a threat to her. Her healing process has just begun when she has another violent encounter with him. But this time Melinda fights back, refuses to be silent, and thereby achieves a measure of vindication.

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only mostly devastated • sophie gonzales

Will Tavares is the dream summer fling ― he's fun, affectionate, kind ― but just when Ollie thinks he's found his Happily Ever After, summer vacation ends and Will stops texting Ollie back. Now Ollie is one prince short of his fairy tale ending, and to complicate the fairy tale further, a family emergency sees Ollie uprooted and enrolled at a new school across the country. Which he minds a little less when he realizes it's the same school Will goes to... except Ollie finds that the sweet, comfortably queer guy he knew from summer isn't the same one attending Collinswood High. This Will is a class clown, closeted ― and, to be honest, a bit of a jerk.

Ollie has no intention of pining after a guy who clearly isn't ready for a relationship, especially since this new, bro-y jock version of Will seems to go from hot to cold every other week. But then Will starts "coincidentally" popping up in every area of Ollie's life, from music class to the lunch table, and Ollie finds his resolve weakening.

The last time he gave Will his heart, Will handed it back to him trampled and battered. Ollie would have to be an idiot to trust him with it again.

Right? Right.

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a long walk to water • linda sue park

A Long Walk to Water begins as two stories, told in alternating sections, about a girl in Sudan in 2008 and a boy in Sudan in 1985. The girl, Nya, is fetching water from a pond that is two hours’ walk from her home: she makes two trips to the pond every day. The boy, Salva, becomes one of the "lost boys" of Sudan, refugees who cover the African continent on foot as they search for their families and for a safe place to stay. Enduring every hardship from loneliness to attack by armed rebels to contact with killer lions and crocodiles, Salva is a survivor, and his story goes on to intersect with Nya’s in an astonishing and moving way.

———————————-

inside out and back again • thanhha lai

For all the ten years of her life, Hà has only known Saigon: the thrills of its markets, the joy of its traditions, and the warmth of her friends close by. But now the Vietnam War has reached her home. Hà and her family are forced to flee as Saigon falls, and they board a ship headed toward hope. In America, Hà discovers the foreign world of Alabama: the coldness of its strangers, the dullness of its food . . . and the strength of her very own family.

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the giver • lois lowry

The haunting story centers on twelve-year-old Jonas, who lives in a seemingly ideal, if colorless, world of conformity and contentment. Not until he is given his life assignment as the Receiver of Memory does he begin to understand the dark, complex secrets behind his fragile community.

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the darkness outside of us • eliot schrefer

Two boys, alone in space.

After the first settler on Titan trips her distress signal, neither remaining country on Earth can afford to scramble a rescue of its own, and so two sworn enemies are installed in the same spaceship.

Ambrose wakes up on the Coordinated Endeavor, with no memory of a launch. There’s more that doesn’t add up: Evidence indicates strangers have been on board, the ship’s operating system is voiced by his mother, and his handsome, brooding shipmate has barricaded himself away. But nothing will stop Ambrose from making his mission succeed—not when he’s rescuing his own sister.

In order to survive the ship’s secrets, Ambrose and Kodiak will need to work together and learn to trust one another… especially once they discover what they are truly up against. Love might be the only way to survive.

———————————-

red white and royal blue • casey mcquston

First Son Alex Claremont-Diaz is the closest thing to a prince this side of the Atlantic. With his intrepid sister and the Veep’s genius granddaughter, they’re the White House Trio, a beautiful millennial marketing strategy for his mother, President Ellen Claremont. International socialite duties do have downsides—namely, when photos of a confrontation with his longtime nemesis Prince Henry at a royal wedding leak to the tabloids and threaten American/British relations. The plan for damage control: staging a fake friendship between the First Son and the Prince.

As President Claremont kicks off her reelection bid, Alex finds himself hurtling into a secret relationship with Henry that could derail the campaign and upend two nations. What is worth the sacrifice? How do you do all the good you can do? And, most importantly, how will history remember you?

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ace of spades • faridah àbíké-íyímídé

Welcome to Niveus Private Academy, where money paves the hallways, and the students are never less than perfect. Until now. Because anonymous texter, Aces, is bringing two students' dark secrets to light.

Talented musician Devon buries himself in rehearsals, but he can't escape the spotlight when his private photos go public. Head girl Chiamaka isn't afraid to get what she wants, but soon everyone will know the price she has paid for power.

Someone is out to get them both. Someone who holds all the aces. And they're planning much more than a high-school game...

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boyfriend material • alexis hall

Luc O'Donnell is tangentially--and reluctantly--famous. His rock star parents split when he was young, and the father he's never met spent the next twenty years cruising in and out of rehab. Now that his dad's making a comeback, Luc's back in the public eye, and one compromising photo is enough to ruin everything.

To clean up his image, Luc has to find a nice, normal relationship...and Oliver Blackwood is as nice and normal as they come. He's a barrister, an ethical vegetarian, and he's never inspired a moment of scandal in his life. In other words: perfect boyfriend material. Unfortunately apart from being gay, single, and really, really in need of a date for a big event, Luc and Oliver have nothing in common. So they strike a deal to be publicity-friendly (fake) boyfriends until the dust has settled. Then they can go their separate ways and pretend it never happened.

But the thing about fake-dating is that it can feel a lot like real-dating. And that's when you get used to someone. Start falling for them. Don't ever want to let them go.

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the song of achilles • madeline miller

Achilles, "the best of all the Greeks," son of the cruel sea goddess Thetis and the legendary king Peleus, is strong, swift, and beautiful, irresistible to all who meet him. Patroclus is an awkward young prince, exiled from his homeland after an act of shocking violence. Brought together by chance, they forge an inseparable bond, despite risking the gods' wrath.

They are trained by the centaur Chiron in the arts of war and medicine, but when word comes that Helen of Sparta has been kidnapped, all the heroes of Greece are called upon to lay siege to Troy in her name. Seduced by the promise of a glorious destiny, Achilles joins their cause, and torn between love and fear for his friend, Patroclus follows. Little do they know that the cruel Fates will test them both as never before and demand a terrible sacrifice.

———————————-

circe • madeline miller

In the house of Helios, god of the sun and mightiest of the Titans, a daughter is born. But Circe is a strange child - not powerful, like her father, nor viciously alluring like her mother. Turning to the world of mortals for companionship, she discovers that she does possess power - the power of witchcraft, which can transform rivals into monsters and menace the gods themselves.

Threatened, Zeus banishes her to a deserted island, where she hones her occult craft, tames wild beasts and crosses paths with many of the most famous figures in all of mythology, including the Minotaur, Daedalus and his doomed son Icarus, the murderous Medea, and, of course, wily Odysseus.

But there is danger, too, for a woman who stands alone, and Circe unwittingly draws the wrath of both men and gods, ultimately finding herself pitted against one of the most terrifying and vengeful of the Olympians. To protect what she loves most, Circe must summon all her strength and choose, once and for all, whether she belongs with the gods she is born from, or the mortals she has come to love.

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the secret lives of church ladies • deesha philyaw

The Secret Lives of Church Ladies explores the raw and tender places where black women and girls dare to follow their desires and pursue a momentary reprieve from being good. The nine stories in this collection feature four generations of characters grappling with who they want to be in the world, caught as they are between the church's double standards and their own needs and passions. With their secret longings, new love, and forbidden affairs, these church ladies are as seductive as they want to be, as vulnerable as they need to be, as unfaithful and unrepentant as they care to be, and as free as they deserve to be.

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this is where it ends • marieke nijkamp

Everyone has a reason to fear the boy with the gun…

10:00 a.m.: The principal of Opportunity, Alabama's high school finishes her speech, welcoming the entire student body to a new semester and encouraging them to excel and achieve.

10:02 a.m.: The students get up to leave the auditorium for their next class.

10:03: The auditorium doors won't open.

10:05: Someone starts shooting.

In 54 minutes, four students must confront their greatest hopes, and darkest fears, as they come face-to-face with the boy with the gun.

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the young elites (trilogy) • marie lu

I am tired of being used, hurt, and cast aside.

Adelina Amouteru is a survivor of the blood fever. A decade ago, the deadly illness swept through her nation. Most of the infected perished, while many of the children who survived were left with strange markings. Adelina’s black hair turned silver, her lashes went pale, and now she has only a jagged scar where her left eye once was. Her cruel father believes she is a malfetto, an abomination, ruining their family’s good name and standing in the way of their fortune. But some of the fever’s survivors are rumored to possess more than just scars—they are believed to have mysterious and powerful gifts, and though their identities remain secret, they have come to be called the Young Elites.

Teren Santoro works for the king. As Leader of the Inquisition Axis, it is his job to seek out the Young Elites, to destroy them before they destroy the nation. He believes the Young Elites to be dangerous and vengeful, but it’s Teren who may possess the darkest secret of all.

Enzo Valenciano is a member of the Dagger Society. This secret sect of Young Elites seeks out others like them before the Inquisition Axis can. But when the Daggers find Adelina, they discover someone with powers like they’ve never seen.

Adelina wants to believe Enzo is on her side, and that Teren is the true enemy. But the lives of these three will collide in unexpected ways, as each fights a very different and personal battle. But of one thing they are all certain: Adelina has abilities that shouldn’t belong in this world. A vengeful blackness in her heart. And a desire to destroy all who dare to cross her.

It is my turn to use. My turn to hurt.

———————————-

skyhunter (duology) • marie lu

n a world broken by war, a team of young warriors is willing to sacrifice everything to save what they love.

The Karensa Federation has conquered a dozen countries, leaving Mara as one of the last free nations in the world. Refugees flee to its borders to escape a fate worse than death—transformation into mutant war beasts known as Ghosts, creatures the Federation then sends to attack Mara.

The legendary Strikers, Mara's elite fighting force, are trained to stop them. But as the number of Ghosts grows and Karensa closes in, defeat seems inevitable.

Still, one Striker refuses to give up hope.

Robbed of her voice and home, Talin Kanami knows firsthand the brutality of the Federation. Their cruelty forced her and her mother to seek asylum in a country that considers their people repugnant. She finds comfort only with a handful of fellow Strikers who have pledged their lives to one another and who are determined to push Karensa back at all costs.

When a mysterious prisoner is brought from the front, Talin senses there’s more to him than meets the eye. Is he a spy from the Federation? Or could he be the weapon that will save them all?

———————————-

long way down • jason reynolds

A cannon. A strap.

A piece. A biscuit.

A burner. A heater.

A chopper. A gat.

A hammer

A tool

for RULE

Or, you can call it a gun. That’s what fifteen-year-old Will has shoved in the back waistband of his jeans. See, his brother Shawn was just murdered. And Will knows the rules. No crying. No snitching. Revenge. That’s where Will’s now heading, with that gun shoved in the back waistband of his jeans, the gun that was his brother’s gun. He gets on the elevator, seventh floor, stoked. He knows who he’s after. Or does he? As the elevator stops on the sixth floor, on comes Buck. Buck, Will finds out, is who gave Shawn the gun before Will took the gun. Buck tells Will to check that the gun is even loaded. And that’s when Will sees that one bullet is missing. And the only one who could have fired Shawn’s gun was Shawn. Huh. Will didn’t know that Shawn had ever actually USED his gun. Bigger huh. BUCK IS DEAD. But Buck’s in the elevator? Just as Will’s trying to think this through, the door to the next floor opens. A teenage girl gets on, waves away the smoke from Dead Buck’s cigarette. Will doesn’t know her, but she knew him. Knew. When they were eight. And stray bullets had cut through the playground, and Will had tried to cover her, but she was hit anyway, and so what she wants to know, on that fifth floor elevator stop, is, what if Will, Will with the gun shoved in the back waistband of his jeans, MISSES.

And so it goes, the whole long way down, as the elevator stops on each floor, and at each stop someone connected to his brother gets on to give Will a piece to a bigger story than the one he thinks he knows. A story that might never know an END…if WILL gets off that elevator.

[vampiredecay]

Hey dear, i have a weird request but could you do a Lost boys X reader or Marko x reader Where all the boys (Marko Dwayne David paul Micheal all of them or just marko Dwayne David paul) see the reader re put bandages on his scar but the scars would be like carls in the walking dead and they see the scar ( i wonder how they would react to it?)

thank you so much for the request, sorry it took me a hot second to post! its longer than my other stories on here so far, so i hope that makes up for it. i also hope that you like what i did with it!! its angsty in the beginning but it gets fluffier <3

Scar Tissue

rating: teen

word count: 2,908

tags/warnings: swearing, mentions of being in pain, mentions of scars, mentions of being in the hospital, harassment, fluff, the boys being sweet, the lost boys x male!reader, male pronouns used, poly!lost boys

--

You could have never predicted how your life had gone so sideways. Not in a million years- before the accident, you were pretty much an average joe. Decent family, decent friends, decent existence. Nothing was ever really exciting, but you were okay with that. Life didn’t need to be crazy or unpredictable to be fulfilling.

But, you supposed, the price of being a living being on this Earth was that life could never truly be predictable at all. It couldn’t be, with the events that followed you losing your eye, and pretty much all normalcy you grew to live with.

It was extremely painful at first, physically and emotionally. You had lost a vital part of your body, and you could never get it back. It was disorienting, and uncomfortable, like an itch you could never scratch. The skin around your eye was incredibly sensitive, the lightest movement or touch sending shockwaves of burning pain through your nerves. Tears were always on the brink of spilling over anytime you or a doctor had to replace medicine and bandages to keep the wound clean.

In the end, the pain wasn’t the worst part about it. No, you could deal with the pain. The people in your life, however, suddenly changing and disappearing was way, way worse.

Friends slowly stop coming to visit you at the hospital, calls go unanswered, gazes averted. Your parents supported you, of course. They still loved you, and you knew nothing could change that. But sometimes even they got this look in their eyes, something a little too close to pity.

It was an incredibly lonely first couple of months.

But the loneliness and the heartache slowly healed, along with your eye. The scarring lightened and stopped bleeding, and your skin no longer felt as if it was on fire every time you turned your head. You still had to keep it under wraps, to keep out infection, and to keep other people from seeing how bad it was. You knew that people seeing the bandages would cause looks and questions, but it was better than people actually seeing the wound, which would surely cause reactions that you didn’t have the patience to deal with.

As you were healing, you were also relearning how to do things in your daily life. Your sight and depth perception drastically changed, so things like walking and doing simple tasks had to be practiced all over again. You had to take things slow, which you hated, you couldn’t leave the house very often until you got used to walking without bumping into things.

The first place you wanted to go once you were able to was the boardwalk. It was one of your favorite places in the world, so loud and full of life and happiness. It was absolutely what you needed after all of the hardship you had to deal with lately.

So one night, when it got late and your parents turned in for the night, you went out and caught a bus to the nearest stop to the boardwalk. From there you walked until you saw the bright lights and heard loud screaming and chatter and laughter. You smiled as you took in the sight of the people and the games and the rides, it felt like you were breathing for the first time in months.

The first thing you did was buy a big thing of cotton candy and a soda, roaming the boardwalk and consuming sugary goodness. As you walked, you noticed that some people were giving you looks, but you ignored them, focused on just having a good time and living your best life.

Walking around for long periods of time still gave you a bit of trouble, you were starting to get a little dizzy, so after a bit you sat down on a bench to give your brain time to catch up with the rest of your body. This was nice too, you got to relax and just watch people for a bit. There were all sorts of people out tonight, families and tourists and couples, teenagers and surf nazis and locals, all in one spot, the heart of Santa Carla, enjoying the wonders it had to offer.

There was a group of guys that caught your eye, though. You didn’t mean to stare at them; in fact, you knew not to, you’ve seen them around the boardwalk in the past, and heard the rumors surrounding them. But, in your defense, it has been a while since you’ve been there, and you forgot how magnetic they can be.

They were milling near their motorbikes, smoking and talking and lightly harassing anyone that happened to walk by. Three blondes and two brunettes- had there always been five of them? You could have sworn there was only four- all dressed in black and leather, looking dangerous and infuriatingly hot. You would have noticed more, but by accident you make eye contact with one of the guys and you rip your attention away from them.

Shit, god damnit, you’ve been spotted now. There’s only one thing to do, and it’s to walk quickly away and hope you don’t run into them later.

You get up too quickly though, and you stumble straight into a man walking with who you assume to be his girlfriend.

“Hey! Watch it-” He starts to say, pissed off that someone ran into him, but then he takes a good look at you and lets out a laugh. “Oh, I guess you really can’t, huh?”

The girlfriend lets out a giggle, smirking behind a hand over her lips. You mumble out an apology and try to go around them, but the man blocks your path. “What was that? C’mon man I can’t hear you, you mute too or something?”

You look up at him and scoff, anger building inside you. Who the hell did this asshole think he was? Without thinking, you say “Yeah, real funny and original. Bet lines like that really score you in bed.”

There’s some laughter around you, making you realize that a crowd has been drawn. The man’s face turned bright red, his mouth curved downward into a frown and he got up in your space. “Oh, so you’re a tough guy now, huh?” He pushed you in the chest, making you stumble back. You get dizzy and almost fall, but you don’t hit the ground. Instead, your back hits someone's chest. You freeze, then slowly turn your head, to see a guy with spiky platinum blond hair staring at the man who pushed you. The four other guys with him were also there, glaring at the crowd of people just watching.

You turned to look back at the man who pushed you, all the color was drained from his face. His girlfriend was clutching his arm, trying to pull the man away but his feet were glued in place. The blond behind you smirked.

“There a problem here?”

The silence that swept over was deafening and unnatural, it was like all of the boardwalk was holding its breath waiting for an answer. The man swallowed, eyes gliding over the gang behind you, not focusing on one spot. “N-No, man. No problem.”

You let out a breath as you watch the man and his girlfriend back up, and the crowd starts to disperse. The man behind you gives a shark-like grin and chuckles deep. “Wonderful.” He says, and he wraps an arm around your shoulders and pulls you away. You can hear your heart thundering in your chest as you walk away with them, listening as they laugh and push each other.

“N-No m-man, n-no p-problem!” One of the blonds says in a mocking wavering tone, “What a fuckin pussy!” The gang starts laughing again, it feels like the ground underneath your feet is rumbling from the force of it. After a little more walking, they stop in front of a different bench and gesture for you to sit down.

“Take a load off, little man!” You snorted as you sat down, grinning despite the slight lightheadedness. Two of the blonds sat next to you, one with a wild mane of hair and a smile to match swinging an arm behind you. You look at all of them, nodding your head a little bit. “Thank you,” You said softly, “You didn’t have to do that.”

The spiky blond shrugged his shoulders and asked, “What’s your name?”

“Y/N” You said, and he nodded. “I’m David. This is Dwayne, Michael,” He gestured to the two brunettes, one with curly hair and sunglasses hanging off his shirt, the other with longer straight hair and not wearing a shirt at all. “And that’s Paul and Marko.” The two blonds next to you do little waves, the one that wasn’t right next to you has curly hair and a jacket so cluttered with patches it must be heavy.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Y/N!” Paul says, nudging his knee against yours, making you smile more. “It’s good to meet you guys, too.”

After the introductions were out of the way, David offered for you to hang out with them, but you declined, saying you needed to get home. At that David offered a ride instead. You hesitated, but accepted in the end. Riding behind him on his bike was terrifying and exhilarating, you clutched his middle tightly the whole way home, but the blond didn’t seem to mind.

“You should come to the boardwalk more often,” David said as you got off his bike, now at your house. He smiled at you like he was letting you in on a secret, “We’re there all night.”

From that point on, you couldn’t ignore the boy's siren call. The next couple days you would take the bus over, wander until you found them, and then do stupid shit with them all night. A lot of it consisted of them terrorizing people who even looked at them funny, but you didn’t find it scary anymore. You found it powerful. It was the best you’ve felt in a long time.

It wasn’t long, though, until the questions started. You supposed you should have seen it coming, but hanging out with them honestly made you forget.

“So Y/N,” Paul said one night, it was just you and him and Marko. You were leaning against the railing in front of the carousel, waiting for the others to get back from getting food. When you looked over at Paul, he asked “What’s up with the eye?”

Marko punched Paul's shoulder, giving him a look, and Paul threw his hands up dramatically. “What? I don’t mean anything by it, I’m just curious.”

You sighed a little bit, mulling over what to say. You weren’t mad that he asked, you just hated talking about it. “There’s nothing much to say.” You said after a couple seconds of silence. “I was in an accident. Got fucked up. End of story.” Paul and Marko both nodded, taking the hint not to ask anymore. The taller blond wrapped an arm around your shoulders and rested his chin on top of your head. A silent apology. You smiled a little and leaned into him, letting him know it was okay.

After that, David, Dwayne and Michael arrived back with food, and once everyone settled down at a nearby table to eat, David proposed that they go back to their place after eating. You were nervous to accept, but they were cool guys so far, so you didn’t see the harm in it.

Before you could voice your opinion, however, a sudden cold, wet substance suddenly splashed all over your face. You yelped and got up, trying to shake off whatever the fuck it was, when you heard laughter getting distant. Suddenly, the boys were all getting up and shouting, someone was holding onto your shoulders, and when you wiped at your eye you could see it was Dwayne. He looked absolutely livid.

“What the fuck just happened?” You asked, looking down at yourself, disgusted to find that your clothes were soaked now too. The brunette gripped your shoulders a little tighter, not enough to hurt but the pressure was there, “Some people have a death wish.”

You would have asked him to elaborate, but then something dawned on you. “Oh shit!” You exclaim, hand going up to your bandaged eye. “Fuck, I have to get home, I have to change this, fuck!” Dwayne's eyes widened a little, and he nodded, calling attention to the other boys, who were all talking angrily to each other. They all looked over, and when they heard that you needed to change your bandage, they all hurried over. “Our place is closer. Michael, take Y/N to get the supplies he needs. We’ll meet back up at the hotel.” David all but commanded, and everyone seemed to be in agreement. The rest of the boys took off on their bikes while Michael steered you in the direction of a small convenience store on the edge of the boardwalk.

“You okay?” Michael asked, worry written all over his face. You nodded at him, though in reality you were feeling gross, sticky and anxious as hell. You thought it was so nice of them to help you out, really, but you knew this meant that they would probably end up seeing your eye. Seeing your scars. The thought alone was enough to make you slightly nauseous. The brunette could tell that something more was going on with you, so he gently took your hand as you approached the shop. You looked at him, and he smiled at you, squeezing your hand gently. You gave a light smile back and looked away.

After buying the necessary wrap, tape and some bottles of water, you both get on Michaels bike and ride off to their place. You were just thinking about it now, David had said the word “hotel”. Did they stay at an actual hotel?

It didn’t take you long to figure out. When you arrived at the hotel, that was really more of a cave, you were in absolute awe of the place. It was massive and beautiful, you couldn’t believe these guys actually lived here. You had so many questions, but now that you were here, they would have to come after.

Michael led you over to a slightly dusty couch and you sat down, holding the items in your hands nervously. Everyone was sitting around you, you had a very attentive audience that you didn’t really want.

“Is there, uh, a private place I could do this?” You asked, and your heart sank when they shook their heads. “Most of the rooms collapsed when the earthquake hit. There’s not much left, and the parts that remain are too dangerous to go into.” Marko explained, and you sighed. You supposed there was no getting around it.

“Okay, well. Just, don’t say anything, okay?” You got out the bandage wrap from its packaging and took a deep breath. Slowly, you unwrapped the dirty bandage from around your face, revealing your eye to the boys.

All of their facial expressions changed, some more surprised than others. David looked the least shocked, eyes of steel trained on your face, just looking. Dwayne and Michael looked a little more concerned, Michael especially, but otherwise they tried to keep their expressions neutral. Paul and Marko looked intrigued, if anything. Like they wanted to ask questions but were reigning themselves in.

Overall, they kept quiet, and they didn’t shy away from your appearance, so you counted your blessings as you cleaned and dressed your eye as quickly as possible. When you were all finished, Marko and Paul launched themselves at you, sitting next to you with wide smiles on their faces.

“Dude! You’re so badass!” Paul shouted, and Marko was quick to agree. “You should get an eyepatch or something. Crank up the badass factor.”

You laughed at their antics, blushing a bit at their words. You could tell that they really thought you were actually cool. It warmed your chest and you smiled as they went on about eyepatch ideas.

Eventually, David dragged the two away, saying it's getting late and they should probably take you home now. You nodded in agreement, letting out a yawn. You didn’t realize just how tired you were.

Dwayne was the one who ended up taking you home, the ride was a lot gentler and smoother than it usually was, which you were grateful for. When you arrived at your house, and you got off his bike, Dwayne pulled on your arm before you could leave. You looked at him, confused, but then he got off his bike, and he stood in front of you, and he leaned down to place a gentle kiss on your cheek. You froze, heart pounding. Dwayne pulled away and let go, giving you a small smile. “Have a good night, Y/N.”

You swallowed hard as he got back on his bike. “Yeah- you too.” You stumbled out, making him chuckle. He then rode back off into the night, and you were left stunned on your front lawn.

You didn’t know what would happen now, you had absolutely no clue when it came to the gang of bikers. But you found yourself at peace with it.

Life could never be predictable anymore. And you were more than okay with that.

[levi-my-beloved]

I remember finding your page and instantly falling in love! I just wanted to give you some kudos and tell you how incredibly you write. I love that you take the time to be descriptive and specific with your language, it’s so immersive as a reader. You write Levi so well too, he is not too crude and strict or too gushy. I think you understand his character so well and give him more life then we see in the manga or even in the anime. I have read everything on your blog and love it all. writing and reading has always been an escape for me from the hardships of the real world and your stories have provided so much comfort to me this past year or so. I have been dealing with some family, rough mental health and loneliness stuff and this year has been really hard. I could always find stories on your page that breathed a bit of life into me. I’m rambling… but I just thought i should share the love with someone who has helped me when times where hard. Please please take care of yourself and know that you touch people with your writing. I hope you are doing well :) sending big hugs through the screen ❤️

Ps. If you ever need another beta reader… keep me in mind 😂

despite being a writer, i find myself unable to form any words. i actually don't know what to say???? only that, yes, i 100% had to look to the ceiling to try stop myself from crying.

thank you. so much. for even just clicking or tapping on my little icon and checking out my blog. i cannot express how much things like this mean to me. i'm so so sorry you've been going through a tough time, but i cannot convey just how honoured i am that my little stories about a grumpy little man can bring even a bit of comfort and happiness. it really does make all the late nights and frustrating writer's block worth every moment.

fuck i keep rereading it and crying again GODDAMNIT

it seems you have broken me anrbeguiebqrgb, i just really don't know what to say other than thank you so so so much. it's just, really heartwarming to know i can help someone in a way i don't even realise, and whilst it's a large part of the reason why i write, it's just overwhelming to know it does reach the people who need it most, and it does help in the ways i intend it to.

i appreciate the support so so so much, so thank you for reaching out with this. it's genuinely made my week <3

[punchflowers]

A Certain Someone Review (w/ spoilers)

Rating: S 

Summary: The MC (Sheng Wang) and the ML (Jiang Tian) both live in single parent homes, the MC with his father and the ML with his mother. By chance they find their families merging and struggle to deal with the awkwardness of the situation and the trauma from their childhoods. They slowly grow from disliking each other to reluctant acceptance to close friends and then.... to something more. Their journey is filled with hardships, mainly their identities as step siblings and male lovers, but in the end, as quoted by the ML himself, they don’t owe their happiness to anyone but themselves.

Thoughts: I have to place A Certain Someone at the top of my modern/school danmei ranking. It was fantastic. First and foremost, there was so much depth to the story, with each individual character having an influence on the plot and their backstories just making sense in how future events unfolded. The development was steady and the timing was perfect, not too rushed but not dragging either. I like how the MC wasn’t a genius - yes, he’s smart, but he has his limits and it’s not like he made his way up the rankings by just loafing around. This novel did a really good job of showing just how much studying someone of his exam scores might do, and the same goes for the ML (who falls into that typical “first place study god” archetype a little more but the story didn’t make him infallible either, which I liked).  

Overall, the development between the MC and the ML is the star of the novel - I mean, aside from how it’s literally a romance story, the author did everything right. It didn’t feel like an instant love at first sight, but a plausible attraction that stemmed from the ML and the MC’s loneliness reaching out and finding each other. I loved the way they teased each other and how palpable it was that they cared - a big thing for me is if I can feel the mutual emotions, not just one sided attachment, and they certainly delivered.

The writing was great and I thought the author dealt with the homophobia aspect really well. I think a lot of novels really fumble and shoot themselves in the foot sometimes when trying to talk about it, but here it felt realistic and not over the top. Some people are going to accept you, some people won’t, but who cares? In the end, love who you love.

In the end, I still found myself disliking the parents. The MC’s father bringing the MC to his mother’s grave after finding out about his relationship to the ML - haaah, you garbage, garbage man. The ML’s mother is slightly (very slightly) more redeemable, but still frustrating all things considered. I’m really glad both the MC and the ML are able to stand up to their parents about their relationship and basically tell them “No, I’m not ashamed! He makes me happy, happier than you ever did, and the people who care about me, other than you, don’t give a damn about us. You fucked up our childhoods, but I’m not going to let you ruin our future.” In the end, of course, you see the parents beginning to come around, but at that point I’m not so sure their redeemable. Of course, I don’t blame the MC and the ML for being more forgiving - these are their parents, after all.

Anyway, A Certain Someone was a fantastic, amazing novel. I found myself enjoying it so so much, even more than I thought I would. I’m sad I binged it so fast (I couldn’t help myself) and definitely a story I would recommend.   

[obaewankenobis]

for forever — obi-wan kenobi

pairing(s)  :  obi-wan kenobi x reader ( mostly focused on obi-wan’s character, not the relationship because i am a hoe for this man )

summary  :  after the fall of the jedi order, you can finally be together. alternatively, obi-wan needs therapy/deserves happiness.

word count  :  2.1k

warning(s)  :  character death, a bit of angst i guess but it’s mostly fluff.

notes   :  roughly edited so i apologize if things don’t make sense, i honestly came up with this on a whim and have No Idea what was going through my head when i wrote this. the povs also switch a lot but enjoy </3.

       The sand bit at his fair skin, the grainy winds of Tatooine ruffled through his auburn locks, peppered with strands of grey, as Obi-Wan Kenobi stood, rigid and grief stricken. Kind wrinkles framed his eyes, eyes weighed down by exhaustion and desolation, the memory of a thousand wars flickering in the brilliant blue reflection. Without speaking, the woman looking at him from afar knew he had suffered a lifetime of hardship and grief, his aching heart not given a moment to mourn the loss of those closest to him. The mahogany cloak billowed around his body, covering the burnt, tattered tan robes he wore, as the wind picked up, signaling there would be little time before the twin suns set and it was much too dangerous to be outside. Snuggled between the lone man’s arms, swathed in soft cream blankets to shelter him from the cruel and unforgiving weather, was a baby. With sea blue eyes and the sparse tufts of pale blonde hair, the newborn was the mirror image of his father — that in itself was bittersweet.

       Fire. That was all Obi-Wan could remember, the smoldering lava confining him and his enemy — once his friend, his brother — inside a tight circle of flashing blue and blazing rage. Now, things were blissfully quiet, as if the universe was trying to give him peace of mind after what it had taken from him. With heavy shoulders and hollow eyes, Obi-Wan was a shell of who he used to be: a great warrior and an excellent negotiator, all gone. His last mission was here, on Tatooine, to deliver the baby to his aunt and uncle: Owen and Beru Lars. Then, he would spend the rest of his years wasting away in a sandy prison, languishing in his defeat.

       “Is it true?” The woman from afar, who had taken to staring at him from a distance, finally approached him, awaiting his answer with bated breath — Beru. Is it true? The words reverberated in his head, as the reality came crashing down upon him. The woman in front of him needed certainty, she needed answers, answers Obi-Wan could not give her.

       “Yes,” came the final reply. Who knew a single word could hold such heavy meaning? Yes. An entire government who’s history spanned hundreds of years prior collapsed within a single day? Yes, that had happened. His religion, who he had devoted his entire life to and poured his soul into, gone? Yes, decimated without a sliver of mercy. The baby’s father, the hero of the galaxy, the crown jewel of the Jedi Order, killed? Yes, murdered in cold blood.

       Beru finally brought her attention to the boy nestled within the robes of the man. “Is he . . . ” She seemed to only speak in half questions, as if finishing the sentence would make it a harsh reality, and leaving the query to hang heavy in the air would somehow leave her life in a fairytale.

       “Yes,” he replied again, nearly choking on his words as the boy let out a tiny coo, as if he sensed they were discussing him.

       “Oh.” There was a pause, a flicker of hesitation, before the woman decided to continue her pattern of half inquiries to form her own story. “May I?” With shaking arms, Beruu reached forward to take the boy from Obi-Wan’s grasp and welcome the baby into her own warm embrace. Part of him didn’t want to let the child go, for once he did he would have no real connection to his past life. Letting go of the boy meant letting go of everything, from his first steps in the Temple, to his meeting with his apprentice on Naboo, to the countless, sleepless nights in a war torn galaxy, it would all be gone. The woman’s tender smile and patient gaze was nearly patronizing, she was trying to sympathize with something she couldn’t possibly understand. No one could. A wave of fury washed over him, trapping him in a cage of his own emotions. Obi-Wan had never felt such an intensity roll over his body, preferring to keep his temperament a tranquil, emotionless pit. But this raw, uncontrollable fury was soon washed out with an even more overpowering bout of sorrow, shaking him with such force it made his knees wobble and threaten to give way. For over thirty years he was taught emotions were the enemy, by being detached and aloof he would survive, and look where that had gotten him.  

      Another soft cry from the baby jerked Obi-Wan back into the present moment, as his tiny arms reached for the woman, drawn to her sunny kindness and comforting aura; he realized a place to call home or a comforting shoulder to cry on was never something he could offer as the baby grew older. The woman made a small clicking sound with her tongue, looking up at Obi-Wan with an expectant gaze, and yet his grip on the baby remained the same. Although his mind seemed desperate to listen to logic, to reason, his body remained motionless, following the dull ache and painful longing in his heart. The battle between his mind and emotions lasted a fraction of a second, and at last, as it had time and time again, his mind won.

       Like he had done all his life, selflessly sacrificing himself for thee good of the galaxy, he let go.

     The woman took the baby in her arms, and began her journey back to her homestead, pausing just slightly to exchange one last parting smile and a word of comfort. “I think someone wants to see you, Master Kenobi.” With that, Beru began walking, a happy baby in her arms, to her husband, just as the sky merged from clear blue to salmon pink and hazy orange, the twin suns beginning to disappear over the horizon rapidly. As the light dimmed and dusk settled in, the man could make out the shadowy figures of Beru and Owen Lars, holding Luke Skywalker in unmoving content.

       Here to see me? Obi-Wan frowned, reflecting on the woman’s words. This was not his home, his very identity was supposed to remain a secret, who could possibly want to see him? Unless . . .

       No, that was impossible. He had mourned your death just as he had mourned every other Jedi’s death the moment their own clones turned against them, and he would not allow even a tiny sliver of hope to crawl its way back into his heart. Because in the end, he could only cling to the belief that things would get better, and false hope in such a desperate time would be his undoing.

—

       You wondered how long you could stand in the shadows before he noticed you, standing awkwardly by his dewback as he delivered Padmé and Anakin's son to his new family. Like Obi-Wan, you had suffered the loss of everything and everyone you knew, your entire life destroyed in the span of a second, and all you could do was stand there, watching everything burn. The Jedi robes you once wore with pride, robes that were once a symbol of humility and hope across the galaxy, now put a priceless bounty on the head of anyone who wore them.

       “Obi-Wan?” The name was dry in your throat, mouth parched and lips cracked due to the harsh Tatooine heat.

       Though he was always subtle, you could see his entire demeanor change, the way his shoulders became straighter, the way his hands, once balled up into fists of worry, were now relaxed and laying loosely at his side. In a moment, he had turned around and closed the distance between the two of you, caramel boots growing dull and scuffed as he stepped through the unforgiving desert surface beneath him. “You’re alive,” his voice came out in a hushed, cautious tone, disbelief still tainting the edges. “I thought — Yoda and I — the only ones left — ” his words grew more jumbled with each passing phrase that left his lips.

       “But I’m here. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere,” you cut him off, the calm gentleness of your tone making him stop in his tracks. Slowly, each movement pained and deliberate, you stepped closer, inching your way forward until he was right in front of you. Neither of you could look away; with the Jedi Order dead, there was no reason to hide in secrecy now.

—

       To realize he was not alone was comforting, but to know it was you he could seek company in was freeing. In that moment, with the distance so close between your bodies, Obi-Wan dared not breathe, his eyes fluttering shut as he let out the smallest of breaths — this was all he had ever wanted, and still, despite everything, it was something he believed he could never have.

       He wouldn’t allow himself to believe it. Not after he spent all those years repressing the desire that burned so deeply within him it began to rot within his heart, trapped with no release in sight. At one point, he had every reason to deny the yearning stirring within him, but now? Now there was no war, no Council, no code, no nothing to stop himself from unleashing decades of pent up turmoil within him.

       And stars, it was suffocating.

       He couldn’t do this.

       “You know you don’t have to push me away any more.” A suggestion more than a factual statement; voice thick and barely audible.

       Was this a dream, a fantasy meant to be chased after in his sleep? Or some sick, twisted premonition the Force was trying to convey to him? So many nights he had spent languishing in his loneliness, dazed in a delusion that remained but a figment of his imagination.

       “I know.”

       “What?”

       “The Jedi are no more. We . . . We don’t have to pretend we don’t have  — ” The words were bittersweet on his tongue; even with no one there to watch and scold him, he could not betray his way of life so easily. That everyone I have ever loved, I have watched die in my arms? And throughout all of that, I have never been tempted by the dark side, but if I lost you, I would be afraid of my own morality? Those were not easy thoughts to formulate into a coherent sentence — there were no words Obi-Wan could say that would even begin to describe how he felt.

       Instead, in a tender gesture of vulnerability, he reached out through the Force, and all at once it came crashing down on him.

       This feeling . . . it was all consuming, and he was drowning, struggling to keep his head above water and not surrender to its frosty depths. He was submerged in an endless stretch of icy ocean water so frigid and numbing, that he felt nothing and everything all at once. It was terrifying to think — and let you know — you held so much power over him, but in the same instance, he felt at peace, like a weight he had dragged around for decades was finally lifted off his shoulders. I love you, rang as bright as the city lights on Coruscant and as clear as a Nabooian waterfall. I love you.

       “I love you, too.” He heard your voice in a soft whisper, swelled up with emotion as you took in everything. Chills erupted down his spine; he couldn't quite tell if it was from the inky blanket being tugged across the sky as dusk descended into nightfall, or if it was the four word phrase that left your lips.

—

       “I cannot live without you,” Obi-Wan let out a shaky exhale, breath fanning across your face just slightly, your foreheads making contact in the lightest movements. You felt dizzy, in a dreamlike trance, for you had never been this close to him. You could see every horror he had survived in his glassy blue eyes, notice every perfect imperfection that blemished his skin and made him all the more real. In a moment, his face had become blurred as he closed the distance and finally, finally, his lips were on yours, and you connected in a long awaited, eternally sought after kiss. You could feel his hands, calloused but gentle, cupping your face, as your own fingers found their way to the nape of his neck, the kiss grew more fervent and needy, every rule you had ever lived by crumbling as you melted deeper into his touch.

       After a long moment, you broke away, breathless, your face still tantalizingly close to his.

       “I will never leave you, Obi-Wan,” your lips parted in a determined vow, a promise you would keep to your dying breath. The Jedi were dead, and yet you never felt more alive.

[baekberrie]

paracetamol - bbh

Characters: Baekhyun x Reader

Genre: Romance, slight angst and fluff

Au!s: Single dad au, best friends au

Sypnosys: Baekhyun, a bright, kind and beautiful person inside out, had always found himself strong enough to carry everything on his own sturdy shoulders. But as his daughter one day finds him in the middle of a breakdown, he admits that perhaps, he's not completely fine- and not as strong as he thought. Baekhyun, a twenty-eight-year-old single dad that finds himself struggling to raise his daughter, gets a  proposal from his bestfriend to finally start letting in new people in his life, meeting women on dates you had set him up with. But just as things fall into place- they fall apart on the other side.

Making him realize that he had been trying to build the wrong puzzle all along.

Making you realize that the puzzle you were making him build was one you wouldn't be a piece of. One you couldn't help him build anymore.

If you took two paracetamol pills from 500mg, would it be the same as 1000mg? Would they ever be enough to ease the ache in your chest?

"Beware of butterflies, they'll break your heart."

Was it the extremely lonely moon that had smitten him with its melancholy? Or perhaps the gentle rain tapping onto the window, inducing him to feel just as small, just as vulnerable. The tears welling up in Baekhyun's eyes were small but full of sorrow. A sorrow that controlled his voice into subtle cries that he so wanted to swallow back down his throat, a sorrow that made his body tremble.

Baekhyun was someone that always smiled, for the people around him, for himself, for his daughter. As bright as the sun, he was. Cheerful like the summer, he was. He was organized and had everything under control.

But for tonight, he couldn't control his emotions. As much as he wanted to stop crying and be stronger, the sudden wave of overwhelming feelings had unexpectedly come crashing down upon him. Until now, Baekhyun had always done his best to be the greatest version of himself, so that he could give his only daughter the best life, even without a mother. In fact, he had to say, things had gone surprisingly well and nothing like what he had imagined when his lover had suddenly left him and their daughter without notice, without explanations. It would've been a lie if he said he hadn't gone through a harsh period where he'd constantly be tested by depression, loneliness, and hopelessness. But he had had his sources of light. His daughter that day by day grew so quickly yet beautifully, had always been was what drove him forward, what prevented him from giving up so many times. And then there had been you. You and your endless will to help him with his needs as a single dad, your strengthening friendship, and your comforting smiles.

Despite the hardships he had faced, Baekhyun always considered himself extremely blessed, for he had a beautiful daughter that he truly, loved with his whole being- a daughter that solely could bring him so much happiness to last for an eternity. A loving family and precious friends that took care of him, and he took care of them. With all of these things, he would never allow himself to feel sad, broken, or lonely. It felt extremely wrong and ungrateful. Baekhyun could just not accept the fact that he too, was not endlessly strong. Just like everybody else, he had a breaking point. Now, he had finally reached it.

The twenty-nine-year-old man did not hear the little girl silently pushing his door that had been ajar, open. There would be times where his daughter wouldn't be able to sleep and seek for her dad, and she was so tiny, so he would purposely never close the door completely so that she could come in without hinders. Standing on her tippy toes, she took tiny steps to the king-sized bed that really, wasn't too big, but looked immense in her tired eyes. A little clumsily, she climbed onto the bed and plopped down next to Baekhyun, tugging gently at the sleeve of his pajamas while rubbing her eye with the other hand. Shocked to be caught in such a vulnerable moment, Baekhyun almost jumped away from the child but visibly relaxed when he saw her.

"S-sweetheart, what are you doing here?" His trembling voice gave him away, but he didn't think that his daughter would catch on it. He was wrong, for before she could even think about answering, she had already noticed the salty stains of his tears reflecting in the moonlight. The little girl almost tripped when standing up, but stubbornly caught her balance again before walking to stand in front of her father.

"Why is daddy crying?" Came her small voice, full of concern, "Did you have a nightmare?" Her arms were stretched towards him, she obviously wanted to throw them around his neck, but they were too short. The sight melted Baekhyun's heart instantly and without making her wait, he pulled her onto his lap. She hadn't been too far from right when she mentioned a nightmare, although he had been awake, the painful feelings chasing his sleep away certainly felt like one.

"Dad is okay, don't worry, hmm?" Baekhyun made sure to sound the sweetest so that he wouldn't worry her, but sometimes he underestimated the maturity of his daughter. Sure, she was still incredibly young, but every day she showed him how intelligent she was, understanding many things right away. A confused frown made its way on his face when all she did was puff her rosy cheeks with air, a bit annoyed, for that matter.

"Daddy, you not so good at lying, you know?" Once again, he was to be astonished by his own daughter. The incredulous expression on her soft features alone was able to make him forget about his anxieties. He had no idea how to respond to that, much less to the way she had started looking at him so intently. He felt slightly awkward when her chocolate brown eyes that resembled his moved all over his face for a good minute. Soon enough though, a hint of hesitation began polling within them as she started fidgeting nervously with her tiny, chubby fingers.

"Are you missing mommy?" Her voice had been so small, almost inaudible when asking the question, always afraid that the topic would sadden Baekhyun further. Early in her life, she had learned that she was slightly different from the other children because she did not have a mother. At first, it had been hard to digest the fact that everybody she knew had a mother except for her...But it did not last long, she had immensely shocked Baekhyun when she with her slightly broken language told him that she didn't mind after all, since he had always been there and it was enough.

Baekhyun vigorously shook his head at the question. What happened had by now taken place a long time ago and you could say that Baekhyun had learned to accept the way his story with the mother of his daughter had ended. He taught himself that it would never be worth it to hurt for someone who after all, did not love them enough to stay. The feelings of sorrow and heartbreak in her regards had with time morphed into something a loving person like Baekhyun would not usually carry in his heart. Rage. In fact, there would be moments when in his thoughts, he'd go back to all the good times lived together until he reached the abrupt end, and despite himself, he couldn't help but feel so angered, so disappointed. Wondering whether he had never been enough to her? And their daughter? Hadn't she meant anything for her to leave like that? What hurt the most was knowing that none of these questions were ever going to be answered. Though maybe, it was better that way. He had let it go, so there was no reason for him to reminisce about it. Sometimes though, he couldn't help it.

He brought a hand to brush the wild locks of his daughter away from her face, adoringly cupping her soft, soft cheek. "Do you? Are you sad?" He murmured, searching for an answer in her demeanor, but it was not needed because just like he had, she shook her head fervently.

"No, daddy is all I need." Sparkling adoration reflected on her face while from Baekhyun's eyes dripped honey as his lips curled in the happiest smile. A certain feeling bloomed within his chest, as if there were two hearts swelling next to each other, a kind of love and adoration that would steal his breath away. Swiftly, he put two hands underneath each of her armpits and lifted her up slightly, bringing her closer. Excited gurgles were echoing in the walls at the sudden move. He pressed a chaste kiss to her tiny lips and hugged the child to his chest, to which she happily snuggled into.

"You're my angel. Dad is so lucky to have you, you know that right?" She could only nod on his chest, her tiny fingers tightened around his shirt.

"Can I sleep here with dad?" Her head tilted upward to steal a glance at the male. Despite the sleep threatening to take over, for her, he pulled the brightest smile he could muster. Placing another kiss on the crown of her hair, he whispered a gentle; "Of course honey."

---

The clock was nearing noon when you got a text from Baekhyun asking you to pick up his daughter from kindergarten since he would be late. A smile instantly crossed your lips upon seeing the name of his contact, but also because you couldn't wait to see the baby girl again. She was the brightest ray of sun and her smile would always succeed to melt you into a puddle, not to mention the affection she held for you, it made you feel so extremely blessed to have the trust of such a gleeful child. The excitement was buzzing through your veins and you were hurrying to the destination, impatient to see what Sarang's reaction would be upon having you surprising her. She didn't know that it would be you to pick her up, and any time you had done it this way, her happy shrieks had always filled the playground.

It wasn't much different this time either. When Sarang saw you walking through the gates of her kindergarten, your name had been shrieked from the top of her lungs and before you had even known it, her short arms were circling your leg for a hug. You neither could help the endeared chuckles leaving your lips as you crouched down to her level so that you could bring her into your arms. "And how is my princess doing?" You cooed excitedly while the two of you went to get her things.

"Good!" She exclaimed, though the bright smile soon died down and was replaced by a frown on her lips. "But daddy has been a bit sad," Sarang revealed, the concern for her father was extremely obvious on her soft features.

"Yeah? What has happened to dad, hm?" You were to be disappointed when the girl only shrugged her small shoulders. Usually, you would know better than to worry over things children would say, though Sarang, was extremely mature for her age. Something truly wasn't right if it worried her. "Will you help him?"She suddenly said, begging you with her glossy eyes that prompted you to plant a reassuring kiss on her head. "Of course," You said, "Best friend on a mission!" You formed your hand into a fist and brought it forward as if you were superman, sprinting the way to your car, happy to hear Sarang giggling at the thrilling feeling of the wind against her face.

You had only started parking when Sarang had already begun begging you to let her unlock the door herself since she found it so incredibly fun and fascinating to insert the key into the lock and twist it. With a grin on your face, you fished out the extra pair of keys to their home that Baekhyun had given you from the very start and handed them to her. The metallic gadgets noisily dangled from her fingers while she skipped her way to the front door, bouncing excitedly on her feet when waiting for you so that you could lift her up, she wasn't tall enough after all.

By now, you had spent so much time with Baekhyun and Sarang that you had basically seen her grow, and that meant that you also knew what her routines were every day. Grabbing the sweet flavored yogurt from the fridge together with some fruits, you made her an afternoon snack that would later do its magic on sending her into napping mode. Half an hour later, the little girl was falling into a peaceful slumber, scrambled on the couch while her favorite cartoon played in the background. You couldn't help the smile crossing your lips. She was utterly adorable. With the soft sneers leaving her pouty lips and her long eyelashes casting a long shadow down her rosy cheeks. Ever so carefully, you picked her up in your embrace and almost melted when she automatically nuzzled her face into your neck, fisting your shirt with her little hand. You wouldn't have minded having her nap huddled in your embrace like that, but you found it better for Sarang to sleep on an actual, comfortable bed. So that was where you brought her; to her bedroom, tucked safely in the comfort of her fluffy pink sheets.

An hour had finally passed, and somehow it had felt way slower than it should've, but you figured that it was probably because you had spent it doing absolutely nothing, in a house that wasn't yours. To your relief though, you heard the lock to the door click open and shuffling footsteps entered the apartment. There was no doubt of who it was, without exaggerations, you would always know when it was him. Even the pattern of his footsteps was recognizable to you.

You left the couch to greet him and as soon as you were visible, he discarded the exhausted look from his face, just so that he could warm you up with his smile. The action tugged a tiny part of your chest, he was back from an extremely long day at work and the dark circles underneath his eyes were revealing it all. But nonetheless, he found it more important to make you comfortable with a smile rather than letting you see his exhaustion. In all honestly, you weren't sure whether to find that admirable or scold him because he was putting too much pressure on himself all the time.

"Com' here," You chimed knowingly, gesturing for him to follow you. The man trailed with small footsteps behind you as if a puppy, silently obeying when you gestured for him to sit on the couch while you walked around it. A thankful sigh pushed past his lips when your fingers gently dug into his shoulders, melting the tensing knots underneath his skin that had built during the day.

"How are you?" You murmured, genuinely wanting to know about his day, about his feelings. Whenever you'd ask him this, it would never be out of courtesy. There was just something about Baekhyun's soft, soothing voice telling you about his adventures that made you want to listen to every single word he had to say. But today, your motive was different. As your hands massaged his shoulders, Sarang's words echoed in your head, making you wonder whether Baekhyun would ever feel comfortable enough to talk about it with you. The question was answered by the defeated sigh he let out when throwing his head back against the couch, the crown of his head coming to contact with your abdomen. The gel that had been brushed through his locks was now worn off, barely holding together the wildness of his hair, which only made your fingers painfully long to thread through those chocolate strands of his. Baekhyun's eyes were shut close in exhaustion as he forced himself to speak through the tiredness.

"Sarang caught me in the middle of a breakdown." He confirmed what the little girl had told you earlier, and although the tone in his voice was merely a breathy whisper, you still caught onto the disappointment he felt towards himself. Knowing the man, he was probably considering himself a failure for letting his daughter see him in such a vulnerable state.

"A father is supposed to be a strong figure in their child's eyes, someone who can be strong enough to support them whenever someone who is wise. And yet here I am, failing miserably." Dejection coated his words as he let out the burdens weighing down on his heart. His gentle and fragile heart that had been wounded so deeply. "What do I even do?" He exasperated, "I want to give her everything. I want her to feel safe. I want to give her the mother she has a right to, the peaceful and happy childhood she deserves. But things are just so damn complicated, I-" His breath got caught in his lungs when feeling a familiar overwhelmedness of emotions threatening to crush him.

"How am I going to handle all of that?" It physically pained you to see Baekhyun in such a despaired state. Solely the way he was leaning his elbows onto his knees, stressfully hiding his face in his palm radiated such an amount of anxiousness that could've made you fall into the same pit of darkness just by looking at him. Baekhyun had been there for you every time you had needed him. You were not going to let him down.

Not a second was wasted and by the time he blinked, you were already there next to him. Fingertips running soothingly through his hair while your other hand guided his head to rest on your soft chest, to which he complied immediately. A content yet trembling whimper left his lips at the warmth and comfort of your embrace, his nose traced its way to the crook of your neck where he could inhale the sweetness of your perfume mixed with fabric softener.

"I don't want to be so vulnerable. I'm sorry you're always here to witness me being so weak." Again, Baekhyun couldn't help but resent himself for his overflowing flaws and imperfections he couldn't get a hold of no matter what. "No, don't say that Baekhyun. I'm thankful to be able to be the one helping you in any kind of situation." Perhaps you had let on too much? But this was what you felt. As his best friend, just the thoughts of him being comforted by someone else would spark some kind of jealousy within you, because you wanted to be the one to anchor him at any time.

"Maybe it's time that you start letting new people into your life again?" You pondered out loud while your fingers twirled around Baekhyun's satin-like curly brown locks, earning nothing but a frustrated groan. "Minseok's been saying that for weeks, to try dating and all that." By the irritated undertone in his voice, you could tell that he was indeed not keen on letting new females in his life yet.

"I've been considering it, but I don't want this to turn into Sarang feeling neglected either," Baekhyun expressed his worries while lifting his head from your chest so that he could look at you instead, letting you view the worry swimming in his dark pools.

"It doesn't have to turn out like that, I'll be with Sarang whenever it's needed," You suggested, giving his cheek a gentle caress. With a sigh, he leaned into your touch. "You shouldn't have to do that as often as you already do, she's my responsibility, not yours."

"Baek, you also deserve to find your happiness." At that, all he did was bit his lips, the war in his head visible from his troubled orbs. "Everything will be okay," You assured, "I'll find some impeccable dates for you and we'll start simply, hm? How does that sound?"The male contemplated your proposal with a skeptical look on his face which made you roll your eyes dramatically.

"Oh stop it, you can trust me!"

"Fine, fine."

***

"Wow! Daddy so handsom!!" Came Sarang's high pitched gurgle at the view of her father. You had to second her on that. With his curls resting on his forehead in such a youthful way, the light jeans and the collar of a button-up peeking from the sweater made him look absolutely irresistible. With a chuckle, baekhyun kneeled down to pick the girl up, resting her comfortably on his hip and placing the sweetest kiss on her temple, making you almost squeal out loudly at the view. "Really?" he chimed sweetly, earning a few excited nods, to which he laughed.

"Thank you, princess." Although the fondness in his voice as he spoke to his daughter, the nervousness and distress were limpidly reflecting in his orbs, and you found yourself softening before him, you found absolutely no reason for him to feel all the worry he was feeling.

"Be confident Baekhyun," You said once he'd put Sarang down, letting her run off to play. "You're such a handsome and charming man, with beautiful qualities. You have it all." You murmured with so much adoration and sincerity, maybe even too much because your heart had started swelling in your chest upon speaking such words. The fact that you would always know what he was feeling before him saying it first would never stop astonishing him. Relief washed over his features and he allowed himself to step a little closer. For a second, you thought you had forgotten how to breathe, when his lips had caressed ever so gently to your cheek, pressing one or two kisses before leaning back and eyeing you with a  heartbreaking smile that neither you could run away unaffected from, while breathing the sweetest "Thank you," you had ever had directed towards yourself.

After one last brief goodbye, which was the thirteenth as well, he finally left the apartment, leaving you to sigh heavily and praying in your mind that everything could go well. That he wouldn't close himself if the first tries wouldn't work out. You knew that Baekhyun could turn out to be very sensitive after what had happened to him. While keeping him in your mind, you called out of Sarang, and the little girl appeared soon, giggling and smiling she jumped in your arms. "Shall we start our ladies' night!?" You cooed excitedly, prompting her to squeal and gesticulate enthusiastically, her happy antics would never fail to put your worries at bay, spreading nothing but warmth in your chest. The Barbie movie she adored so much had just started playing when she suddenly turned in her embrace, curiosity shining in her droopy eyes that were just like his. You quirked a questioning eyebrow and Sarang let out a small giggle, "Is daddy going to fall in love?" the thought of her dad going out to 'fall in love' as her sweet innocence made her see it, seemed to excite her a lot. A soft smile fell on your lips as a hand caressed her soft tresses gently. "Hopefully," You replied, only thinking that it would be beautiful if he could fall in love, it would be amazing if love didn't come with pain.

It really would be. And you hoped that for Baekhyun who deserved it more than anyone else.

30 minutes into the third movie was when you finally felt your eyes getting droopy. Initially, you had tried making the baby girl go to sleep already after the second movie, but she had insisted to stay awake until her daddy came back and wouldn't take a no for an answer. Until a few moments ago, she had been bouncing like an energetic bunny and you couldn't understand how she had all of that energy when you hadn't even given her any sweets yet. Though now, it seemed as if her body was slowly giving in to the tiredness, but obviously enough, she fought it as hard as she could to finish watching the romantic animated film. You suppressed the laugh at her funny expression, flushed chubby cheeks and brows arched into a frown, her eyes glaring really intensely at the huge TV screen as if it would chase her sleepiness away.

But you ended up being no better as you had ended up falling asleep with her on the couch. Her little body in a fetal position as she had in her sleep snuggled into your laying body. Sarang's head rested on your chest while her tiny fists grabbed onto the hoody enveloping your body, its scent was bound to make her lean closer into it. In fact, it wasn't even yours,  you hadn't been able to find a darn blanket in the whole house, and Sarang had been of no help either, but you couldn't blame the girl for not knowing where her dad hid things. And that was why you had stolen one from his closet, choosing the biggest out of them all, knowing that Baekhyun would probably not mind you doing that.

You did not know for how long you had been asleep when you were suddenly woken up by feeling Sarang being lifted from next to you. A loud gasp left your lips as you sat up abruptly, looking around frantically, your mind still numb because of the sleep.

"Hey, shh, it's me," Came a hushed whisper to which you recognized the voice. A gentle hand placed itself on your cheek, turning you to look in their direction. Your eyes were still wide with shock as you eyed the Baekhyun who was currently pressing his lips into a thin line so that he wouldn't let out the laugh in his throat and wake up Sarang. The mischievousness was a permanent glint in his eyes as he then patted down your wild locks.

"Go back to sleep, it's okay," He said with a smirk on his face although his voice was nothing but soothing and gentle. When he saw that you still wouldn't budge from your current position, he shifted the sleeping Sarang slightly in his embrace, reaching out with his hand to your shoulder, pushing you gently to lay back down. "Sleep," He murmured one last time while his hand had traveled from your shoulder to give your cheek that was by now, flushed by the hot temperature, a soft caress that induced your heavy eyelids to droop back close. All you could really decipher at that moment was the question swirling in your head, wondering whether you were going to remember these few interactions tomorrow morning.

***

The sound of your name being called by an angel-like voice reached your ears, though, you were pretty sure it was part of the beautiful dream you were having while basking in the warmth of the sun-rays peeking from the curtains, but most of all, completely immersed in a familiar scent, a homely and ridiculously good one. It wasn't yours, and at the moment you had no idea who it might've belonged to but you knew, in your state of sleepiness that you didn't want to get out of it. Eventually, you were forced out of your sleep when you were shaken awake. You had difficulty opening your heavy eyes but it soon passed when the first thing you saw was his almond-shaped, droopy eyes gazing down at you.  It was when a soft smile crept on his lips that you finally realized how you weren't in your own bed, nor the couch you had fallen asleep on yesterday. Mainly, that the sweet, comforting scent you had been engulfed in this time not only derived from the oversized hoody you were wearing but from the fluffy white sheets surrounding you on the king-sized bed you could've only wished you could ever afford.

"Baek," You sleepily whined with disbelief while rubbing the sleep out of your eyes. "You gave me your bed again." You stated. "Why did you move me from the couch? You should've used the bed instead!" First thing in the morning, you found yourself scolding Baekhyun for being overly selfless. You had felt how tense his back had been with knotted muscles just a few days ago, and there he was, giving away a well-needed sleep so that you could've been more comfortable. As much as this could be considered a good quality, you couldn't help but sometimes feel that Baekhyun was way too generous for his own good. The male sitting on the free space next to you on the bed did not even comment on what you had just said, letting your words fade into thin air.

"Did you sleep well?" He questioned instead, blinking his puppy eyes ever so innocently and you could only groan out loudly. "Nggh, I can't handle you," You lamented into the fabric of his hoody. "Don't be like that, you know I like doing these things." Baekhyun insisted.

"Yes, but it shouldn't cost you your health, Baekhyun!" You almost hissed, rasping your dry throat in the process. The slight harshness in your tone managed to quieten Baekhyun who only looked down in his laps.

"But you were so deeply asleep, I couldn't bring myself to wake you up or to let you be uncomfortable on the sofa!" Baekhyun continued to argue after a small moment of silence, his pouty lips tilting into a sulky frown. "Plus...You were starting to drool and that couch isn't exactly cheap, you know," he eventually admitted what might have been his main reason, leaving you to flush deep red with embarrassment, finding no other solution than to hide your face in his pillow. "Why did you tell me that, gosh." you groaned while suppressing the bubbling urge to scream into the pillow as well, but you decided that you had embarrassed yourself enough to do that too.

Baekhyun only giggled in response, muttering a quick: "Just kidding," To which you reacted faster than he'd expected when you threw your pillow at him, earning a girly yell from the almost thirty-year-old man. Suddenly, as if lightning had struck you, you calmed immediately down.

"How did the date go?!" You exclaimed excitedly as you crawled closer to him. Baekhyun seemed startled by your sudden mood swings for a moment but got over it quickly. You understood that something was off when Baekhyun gave you an uncertain cringe in response.

"It went well until I mentioned Sarang," He confessed, finally letting go of his usual worry-free facade and allowing the defeated look he'd been holding back take over his features, shoulders slumping together and eyebrows bent with frustration, forming a crease on his forehead. His pink lips pouty and begging for comfort, but you immediately took your eyes elsewhere to keep your thoughts about Baekhyun's lips at bay. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the main struggle of having an attractive best friend, but that was a story for another time.

"Oh," You cooed, "Baekhyun, it's not your fault, please don't beat yourself up about it." You tried to console him but to no avail. Truthfully, there wasn't much you could do if women were scared away by the fact that he already had a child. But you still tried to ease his worries. Letting out a soft breath, you mustered a smile that you hoped could relieve him, your hand gently rubbing his arm.

"I believe that maybe, you should wait for a few dates in before speaking up about your family, so that the girl can get to know you for you, without any prejudices they may come up with beforehand. Hm?" The suggestion didn't sound illogical as Baekhyun contemplated it, eventually nodding hastily, "You're right," He agreed with a smile.

"Good, then I'll set a date with your next candidate later on today."

***

Every challenge in life was bound to be a bumpy road that would cause one to stumble, and even fall on the way. But never would it be impossible to go through. You had experienced that and strongly stood by that statement. Though, even you felt the tiniest hint of hope slip through your fingers when Baekhyun had one night returned from his date with a second match that you had found him, rather defeated. The girl had right after their first meeting rejected the idea of getting to know him further, and to your relief this time it hadn't been because of Sarang. Somehow, you found yourself appreciating the girl's honesty and confidence, she knew what she wanted and when she didn't find it in Baekhyun (which left you quite baffled because he was perfect) she ended things before they could go too far. It had taken a few tries to convince Baekhyun to not give up, trying to make him understand that sometimes it could take longer to find a great match. The whole blind date situation though slowly started to become less appealing to him. He had sighed heavily when saying that he didn't like to hurry and force such processes in his life that were supposed to take its time to come.

It was because of that when he entered the apartment with a wide grin on his face, you hadn't known better than to excitedly squeal and jump in his arms. You could feel his smile on your skin as he tightened his arms around you.

"Did you get a second date?" You questioned, loosening the hug ever so slightly so that you could take in the joyful expression on his face. The male gave you a dreamy grin and nodded with a childish innocence that made your heart swell with warmth. Something poked into your thoughts,  something you couldn't put a finger on. It didn't feel positive, so you waved it away and concentrated on the happiness that hadn't taken place on his face for a long time now.

"I'm so happy for you Baek," You smiled, caressing his arm affectionately, "How was she?" You wondered curiously and his smile seemed to widen at the mention of the amazing girl he had just gone on a date with. You were happy to see this kind of expression display so mindlessly on his beautiful features. He truly deserved to be happy.

"She's beautiful and easygoing, which was such a relief. I felt comfortable right away. All in all, it was like a breath of fresh air. Obviously, I can't either of us have feelings yet, but I think there's a potential between us." Baekhyun explained, and you found a part of his sentence rather relieving- for a reason to you unknown but you decided not to dwell on it.

"I'm glad you liked her, I'm rooting for you!" You cheered with the most delightful expression you could muster, you wanted him to know that whatever he would do, that you would be there to support him. You wanted to see him smile, like this, every day. And if this girl would be the reason for it, then so be it. Thankfulness and adoration swam in his oceans as he took in the bright smile on your face, his expression almost having a sad twinge to it, but perhaps you were just seeing things wrong. Without a warning, he pulled you into another embrace- a silent one and yet so incredibly emotional as he pressed you to his chest, making you wonder where the butterflies fluttering in your belly came from- you had never had them before.

"Thank you." He breathed out, and his long eyelashes caressed the surface of your neck, "I appreciate everything you're doing for me. I want to give you just as much back, I promise that I'll do it."

"Baekhyun." His name tasted as always, just so sweet on your tongue, but as you had a slightly warning tone in your voice, today it felt also a bit sour. "You don't have to do anything. I'm doing this as your best friend because I want to. It's not something you'll owe me later. Okay? Please don't feel that way when you're with me. Whatever I give, just take, take. Please." You could only beg him, for once you wanted to be one to be unconditionally giving to him- it was an urge, a sensation that surged from the deepest part of your heart. Something you had to fulfill.

Tickling. An intense tickling took place in your tummy once again when the male tightened his arms that were laced around your waist, making it possible for you to feel his heartbeat against your raging one. Soon, they melted together into one unstable melody as your heart was beating so incredibly fast- crashing and rebelling against your thoughts, without your permission skipping exciting beats. This hug had by long surpassed the line between friendly and something more.

"No." Baekhyun murmured soothingly into your ear and unwillingly sent shivers thundering down your spine when the tips of his lips brushed ever so slightly against the shell of your ear, leaving no space for interjections.

Why was he like this?

Why was your heart like this? Beating at a speed of a thousand, you couldn't keep up, you felt out of breath.

You couldn't keep up.

***

The third girl you had set up with Baekhyun was just a few years younger than him. The two seemed to have clicked just perfectly as one date had turned into two- and two into three, into regular meets almost every day. Often, you found yourself babysitting the little Sarang, these days barely getting to see the man as he'd be out by the time you'd reach his house. You should've been happy for him, that finally, he had someone who wanted to commit themselves to him, that there was someone who loved making him feel like he mattered, but why was it that there was not even a crumb of happiness in his regards? It drove you to despise yourself, never had you thought that you could've been so cruel, so cold at heart, and for what exactly? For what reason? You missed him, sure, but you didn't believe that explained the clenching fingers clawing at your chest whenever you'd enter his damned house. The joy of babysitting the ray of sunshine had dissipated into nothingness and you had no idea how to make yourself grasp at any kind of motivation to keep going. But a part of you still fought, at least for the little Sarang who deserved anything she could get, truly. You could see it in her now saddened doll-eyes, that she too felt unusually lonely.

The moments where you'd babysit Sarang had morphed into the most dreaded hours of the day. It was as if a part of your conscious insisted for you to fight against the longing toward Baekhyun, a sensation that begged you to stay in your home, telling you that if you refused to help him out- you wouldn't have to deal with that throbbing loneliness and darn pain suffocating your every other emotion. And yet, you couldn't find it in yourself to say no, not to Baekhyun who counted on you so much. After all, you wanted him to feel like he could count on you always, you wanted him to reach out to you like he always did. You wanted him to continue doing that, and then maybe... at some point, he'd remember you were there too.

Pathetic, weren't you after all? So much for denying when it was so clear.

Everything was so clear.

That you wanted him all to yourself. Baekhyun, Baekhyun, Baekhyun. You longed to have his chocolate eyes swarming with warmth directed to you again, you wanted his radiant smile to melt your heart and cover your skin with goosebumps. You wanted his voice calling out to you for more than just a brief greeting. A long, never-ending conversation with just the two of you, on the sofa. That was what you longed for. To simply have back the time the two of you used to spend together. To be that constant in his life.

You fucking missed him, and that was okay, wasn't it? You were best friends after all. Didn't he miss you even a little bit? Now that he'd been distant for so long, didn't he think of his best friend the slightest bit? You felt your heart crack the slightest.

He was just your best friend, but why did it hurt so damn much? When the fuck did things start crumbling above of you?

If you took two paracetamol pills from 500mg, would it be the same as 1000mg? Would they ever be enough to ease the ache in your chest?

Your train of thoughts was interrupted when the screen of your phone suddenly lit up, almost startling you out of your current position on the couch. Currently, you were in the comfort of your home. The device vibrated with an incoming call and a sigh tumbled from your already parted lips.

Speaking of the devil, you thought as you hesitantly picked the phone up, for a moment you considered not answering the call. To let it ring until it would hit the hotline. Would that keep you in his thoughts?- A frown creased your brows as you realized what in the world you were thinking and before you could even evaluate your choice, you had already swiped the green button, answering the call.

It was just a call anyway. Just Baekhyun, it wasn't like something had changed after all.

You had to take a deep breath to steady your unusually nervous heartbeat. "Hello?" You spoke expectantly, finally realizing that it had been a while since he actually called you instead of sending brief texts. "Hey," His voice sounded darker over the phone, you couldn't help but remark, longing for more, the grip on your phone tightened- fingertips turning white.

"I- I know I've been asking you to come very often lately, I know you're probably resting right now and I'm sorry, but I truly need your help- I don't know what to do," Baekhyun sounded so extremely frustrated and distressed as he rambled on insecure words to which you could only frown to as you barely caught a thing he said.

"Baekhyun, calm down," You called soothingly, your voice a mere hushed tone as you knew that if you kept a calm manner, he would too. In fact, not even a second later, you heard the man draw a long breath, and almost, almost, you could see him and his chest deflate slowly as air would escape his pretty lips before you. "Now, tell me what's the matter."

"Sarang is throwing a fit! I-" Baekhyun did not know where to start, his hand gesticulating although you were not there to see him. Disbelief cascaded on his words the more he spoke, you could tell that he was absolutely desperate. "She's in her room and won't talk to me, I don't know what I have done wrong." He sighed defeatedly, "I really don't know." A moment of silence took place before his voice that had shrunken into a small, breakable whisper reached your ears again.

"Please...I really need you..." Your throat went absolutely dry at the plea in his hushed, husky voice and you swallowed whatever was left of moisture in your mouth, but to no avail, as everything was parched. Only a defeated sigh passed through your parted lips as you knew, that you were going to lose yourself in that sensation again. The one that empowered your resistance against him. You felt so lost as your lips parted and spoke on their own, you were drowning. Your lungs completely suffocating when surrounded by the longing for him that was enveloping you like violent waves in a rainstorm.  

"I'll be there." The reassuring words had rolled off your tongue without your consent, but a part of you told you that it had been the right thing to do when you heard the relieved hum coming from Baekhyun on the other side. The smile spoke volumes in his voice as he thanked you hundreds of times.

***

Your gaze traveled along the pink door leading to Sarang's room. On its surface hung countless colorful drawings, to which each and all of them sparkled with childish happiness, a youth that manifested in the odd yet fantasy-filled representation of her little self holding Baekhyun's hand. In some drawings, you would even find yourself being present as well, which would never cease to provide you a lovely warmth in your chest.

Teeth dug into your lip while you contemplated your next actions. Baekhyun was standing just a few meters away with a worried frown permanently creasing his soft features while his eyes were unwavering from your figure and you could feel his gaze burning on your back. For some reason, his presence felt ever so slightly unnerving,  you were sure that it was because it had been a while since the two of you finally seen each other ever since he started frequenting the girl.

Deciding to not waste any more time, you shot your shot and brought your fist to the door, knocking gently, calmly calling out to the child. "Sarang, It's me, unnie." You started after a few knocks, "Will you let me in?" Your question lingered in the air thickly for a few moments until it completely dissipated. Your lips pressed into a thin line, a bit discouraged. But nonetheless, you insisted. "Why are you sad, baby? Don't you wanna tell unnie?" Coo found its way in your voice, sweet and understanding, inducing the angry child from the other side of the wall to give in. Relief washed over you when the pink door slowly creaked open. Quickly, you sent a glance in Baekhyun's direction from over your shoulder, only to see him smiling softly at the sight of you entering his daughter's room. It was a knowing smile, like he had known exactly what had been needed when Sarang had refused him. A sweet warmth crawled in your chest, eventually spreading lovingly into every inch of your body and you found yourself smiling despite the situation.

The child had her back facing you and her small shoulders slumped downwards while her tiny fists tightened next to her sides, fingers gripping onto her puffy dress. You felt the previous warmth in your chest immediately get replaced by a cold, heartbreaking pain clenching at your heart. Oh, how you despised to see the ray of sunshine burn out like this. If something had managed to take that toothy smile from her features then it meant something, or, someone had truly hurt her feelings.

With your legs crossed on the floor, you reached out of her fist and gently untangled her fingers from the tight hold. "Sweetie," You cooed, "Who made you sad? Who should I scold, hm?" Your voice was only a mere whisper as Sarang let her herself be guided to your chest, eventually nuzzling into it once enveloped by your arms, and your heart was to be broken when she burst into subtle sniffles, indicating that she was shedding tears. "Oh honey," You soothed while running your hands through her slightly knotted tresses, her little body shook in your arms and you could only bring her closer to your chest. "What's wrong honey, please tell me or unnie will cry too." The words seemed to convince her because when you leaned away to cup her chubby cheeks with your warm palms, she let you. Her droopy puppy eyes were puffy and red with tears as she sadly blinked her long, wet lashes at you. Her flushed cheeks crystalized by the salty water.

"D-daddy," She started but struggled to speak as the hiccups bubbling in her throat were strong and overpowering, shaking her small body. "Daddy don't play with Sarang no more, he dun love Sarang no more." Upon speaking the last sentence Sarang broke into tears again, letting out ugly cries filled with heartbreak and sadness.

"Sweetheart! Why are you talking like that, you know daddy loves you. He always will." You assured but deep inside you couldn't help but wonder what this whole situation was all about, you knew that Sarang wouldn't even utter such words if it wasn't for a valid reason.

She shook her head furiously, her eyebrows bending into a sulky frown, her lips pouty and pointing downward. "Dad only talks with other unnie, he forgets about Sarang." The tears were still pooling in her eyes and slowly trailing down her kissable cheeks. It pained you to listen to what she was saying, although you knew that she was innocently exaggerating some details. It didn't take a genius to realize it, children had strong emotions and experienced things very animatedly.

"I don't want daddy to fall in love anymore." A great portion of your conscious was screaming that this was your fault after all. It was only because of you if Baekhyun had met new people, leading him to spend lesser time with his daughter. But even if you apologized to the child, she wouldn't completely understand the connections, so you settled with caressing her cheeks, with your thumb, and brushed away the tear stains.

"Sarang," A soft smile blossomed on your lips as you thought about how much Baekhyun adored Sarang. "Daddy loves you so much, more than anyone else.  But sometimes he too can get caught with other people. It's normal, do you understand that?" She nodded hesitantly. "Since daddy is forgetful, and a bit dumb too," You playfully whispered the last part, prompting her to let out a giggle although her glossy eyes. "He needs someone like Sarang to remind him whenever too much, is too much. Would you do that for him, Sarang?" This time, the little girl seemed far brighter as he bobbed her head up and down, soon a smile taking place on her lips. "Then go tell daddy why you are angry now, go scold him. Grr!" You growled playfully and formed your hands into claws, to which she imitated gleefully, repeating the sound of a little tigress.

When her happy gurgles had died down, Sarang crossed her arms on her chest in a fierce demeanor and pouted angrily. You raised an amused brow and had to press your lips together so that you wouldn't laugh. "Do I look scary?" She whispered secretly, curiosity and question marks sparkled within her orbs and you nodded enthusiastically, ushering her to step outside where Baekhyun had been waiting all this time, probably nerve-wracked.

The man's face brightened like the sun when Sarang stepped out of her room with you following close behind. Without wasting a single second, he crouched on the floor and opened his arms for her to step inside them, but was caught off guard when Sarang intimidatingly crossed her arms over her chest just like she had done with you two minutes ago. " I am angry at daddy!" She spouted right in his face, not bothering to put it into a nicer way. Baekhyun was shocked, almost scandalized for that matter and you had to drill your teeth into your lip to not burst into laughter.

"B-baby- what?" He stammered, clearly taken aback. His arms that had been inviting her into a hug slowly fell limp next to his sides.

"Daddy, you always go out and forget about Sarang." The child pointed out to the father whose eyes widened with realization, regret slowly but surely taking over every inch of his being.

"I feel like daddy don't care about me no more," The anguish burst through the tough behavior that she had tried to pull off in the begging, the playfulness by now long gone and both you and Baekhyun saw how her already swollen eyes had started to water again. Baekhyun felt like her heart had broken right in his hands and he felt so angry at himself, disappointed. So much for being a better father, only for it to hurt the most important person in his life.

"Oh sweetheart, I-" Even he choked on the lump in the throat, tears immediately reached his waterline to blurry out his view. You felt like you weren't supposed to stand right there and witness such a scene, but it wasn't like you could leave either.

"I am so sorry," He gasped and desperately reached out for Sarang who thankfully did not move away and instead let her father embrace her. His face was nuzzled into her little shoulder while his beautiful hand was in a constant caressing motion at the back of her head, whispering sorrowful apologies to her ears.

"I- I just wanted you to be happier, I wanted to find someone so that you could have a mommy again. But instead, I hurt you, and daddy is so sorry, will you forgive him?" Baekhyun explained to his girl while rocking their bodies slowly from side to side, his voice by now weak and threatening to break at any second. Sarang abruptly leaned away from his chest, wearing a disbelieved frown on her face.

"But Sarang don't need a mommy! Sarang has daddy and unnie, is enough!" She scolded her own dad for not knowing any better although she had made it clear to him that having a mother wasn't a necessity at this point, yet not truly understanding that Baekhyun needed someone to love him that way. She was indeed, still too young for that conversation. However, the male tried to put it in a simpler way.

Ever so gently, he tucked a few strands of her hair behind her ear, a tender, an extremely sweet smile blossomed on his lips, and even just seeing him making that face was enough for the butterflies to wildly flutter their wings against the walls of your tummy.  You wanted to look away but you simply couldn't, he was like the sun, and like its flower, you kept yourself gazing at him.

"Sarang, sweetheart." He initiated calmly, "I know that is how you feel, and dad is happy that you are content." His voice was soothing, a mere feather running along with your ears as he pronounced each and every word slowly so that he was sure that she could understand all of it. Not so subtly, he looked up at you and met your magnetic gaze before continuing. "However, even people like daddy and unnie need someone who loves them as a mother and father does to each other," Baekhyun concluded and guided his eyes towards his daughter again, who seemed to get a hold of the concept he was. Although not completely happy with the answer, she nodded understandingly, looking down at her feet and in the process cast a faint shadow of her lashes down her apple round cheeks.

"Thank you for understanding, Sarang. I love you, baby." Baekhyun sincerely said before trapping the little girl in his embrace again, extremely joyful about the fact that she had wrapped her short arms around his neck back. She had forgiven him.

"What do you think about a movie night? Every day for the next week?" He then suggested enthusiastically, approving the thought of canceling a couple of dates with the girl. After all, he had every right to spend time with his daughter. It was about time that he started setting his priorities straight again. Little Sarang let out an excited squeal that made Baekhyun flinch back and painfully hold his ear while he cringed at the bouncing girl in his arms. Relief settled onto your heart while watching the forgive each other, not stopping the soft smile from crawling on your lips.

With a satisfied sigh, you excused yourself. "Well then, I'll take my leave." You announced briefly and readied yourself to reach the front door. Baekhyun and Sarang stopped playing with each other and unintentionally whined at the same time, in the same way, making you crack up the slightest. Baekhyun scrambled to his feet and hurried to stand in front of you, a shy look crossing his delicate face, making you want to just- cup his cheeks so bad and just shower them with lov- No. Contain yourself.

"No, don't leave."

"Huh?

"Stay. After all, it is thanks to you that we solved this matter." Baekhyun proposed with a proud smile on his lip, one that you couldn't reciprocate. You shook your head in disagreement.

"No, Baekhyun. It's my fault that this happened." You said dejectedly, finding a sudden interest in your shoes, missing the disapproving frown that Baekhyun had upon hearing your words.

"Hey," He had beckoned lowly, ever so slightly warningly as his gentle fingers had to your surprise, clasped around your chin, tilting your face upwards so that you could meet his sincere orbs. They were pooling with such raw emotions that overwhelmed you, crashed upon you even though you couldn't figure out a single one of them. The warmth from his delicate fingertips seeped into your skin and yet, that sudden proximity still managed to send shooting starts down your spine.

"That is absolutely not true." Baekhyun murmured, "Please don't feel that way." You had no idea if it had been your eyes playing hallucinating, but at one point, his dark, droopy gaze had fallen from your eyes to the south of your face. The action was subtle, perhaps could've been seen as innocuous, but it set your heart on fire, it went crashing against your ribs- rebelling against your thoughts and begging to burst through your chest. He was too close and you found yourself completely unable to get a hold of your emotions. You had felt how the tongue had tied itself into a knot in your mouth, cold sweat prickling at your skin. Why he was having such a dramatic effect on your body, you couldn't tell and it frustrated you so much- to not function properly in his proximity. Since when had things become this way?

"Just stay and watch a few movies with us, it's been a while anyways. We... I miss having you around." The pleading in his voice was genuine and it didn't fail to squeeze your heart longingly, you felt so damn wanted at that moment that despite your hesitant self, you still found yourself nodding at his request. You had waited for the moment he'd ask you to spend time with him again, where it could just be you, him, and the little Sarang. Maybe, he hadn't completely forgotten about you completely after all.  A relieved and thankful smile bloomed on Baekhyun's pretty lips as you agreed, his hands immediately reached for yours like it was all they had ever longed for, taking you to the living room.

The title of the movie appeared proudly on the Tv screen as you and Sarang entered the living room. Baekhyun had dragged you there right away, but you had insisted to get Sarang in her pajama before doing anything else. The man was already sprawled on the couch in his light blue pajama, its slight oversize made his portions shrink in the silky fabric, nonetheless looked immaculate. With his brown hair looking absolutely soft and caressive and a soft hue spreading on his shiny cheeks, a color that made your eager fingers twitch in the urge to reach out and touch them. His skin that always looked so flawless no matter from where you gazed,  you wondered if it was as soft as it seemed, or if it also was surrounded by a gentle scent of lotion-like his pretty hands often were. You knew because your skin was now bearing a certain fragrance that he had transmitted to you when holding your hand in his. For some reason, you couldn't stop concentrating on the flowery scent now emanating from your hands.

If you'd smell it from close- you'd probably get drunk on it. On him.

Had you just admitted that?

Sarang was radiating excitement as she ran to the couch, jumping on it like the bunny she was and snuggled immediately next to Baekhyun who wordlessly brought her closer, placing an affectionate kiss on her crown. Teeth were drilled in your lip as you took a seat, for your own sanity keeping a distance that usually wouldn't be there. Sitting by the end of the couch, you earned two confused looks from both Baekhyun and Sarang.

Baekhyun looked you up and down with an incredulous look, almost mockingly as he chuckled out loud. "What are you doing," He deadpanned, leaning across the couch to grip your arm. "You're acting weird today," Baekhyun pointed out, " just come here." He chimed as he with a gentle force dragged you next to him, throwing an arm around your shoulders so that you wouldn't escape. "There we go," He hummed contently, tightening his hold around you and Sarang who was in your same position but on the opposite side. For a moment you went completely frozen in your spot, the parts of your body that brushed his was all you could concentrate on. How scorching hot his skin was on yours, scalding you. As if you were the fuel, it took Baekhyun only a single touch for you to turn into a fire. It was as if the air in your lungs had been sucked out within a mere second, leaving you to gasp for oxygen. He- Baekhyun was so close, too close. He really shouldn't be so forward with you, putting his hand on your hip and gripping it casually, you wished you could tell him to take it easy on you, that you couldn't handle it if he did that kind of things. Your heart was weak, so extremely weak and already beating at such a speed, you feared it'd combust. You feared that he would feel it drumming and vibrating like a bass through your shaking body. And yet, you couldn't bring yourself to move away.

You couldn't bring yourself to even articulate a single word, there was a whole dance school going on in your belly.

You were melting in his embrace, and you wanted to.

"My princesses," Baekhyun cooed, his voice sounded as if it was dripping with honey and affection when he pressed another kiss to Sarang's head, and to your utter, beautiful disbelief, on yours too. Baekhyun's lips that you had never expected to ever have anywhere near your skin were now tenderly pressing a fond kiss to your temple. When he leaned slightly away, his candy scented breath melted into your skin before he closed the gap once again and pecked you once more, making you straight out tremble. Baekhyun's nape was right next to your nose as you had allowed yourself  (despite your nervous body) to cuddle into him like he had wanted you to, and you had to fight the urge to lean in and run your nose down his neck and breathe in the dazing scent coming from his fresh skin. There wasn't a single second where your whole being hadn't craved to drift even closer to him that night.

After a while, Sarang finally fell into a deep slumber in the arms of her father. It had been predictable that she wasn't going to last much longer, all that crying had for sure drained her energies. Baekhyun got up to put her to sleep, but soon returned and sat back on his spot. Not forgetting to make sure he could have his body in contact with yours, and so the two of you continued to watch movies until the late night.

***

As slumber was slowly leaving your body, all you could subconsciously remark was that you hadn't slept this well in a long time. A few parts of your body were aching due to the awkward position that you weren't completely aware of yet. A content, lazy smile was on your lips when your body became conscious of the comforting warmth provided, it was combining with your own and crawling soothingly to reassure every inch of your body. But the more you slipped into awakeness, although your eyes were still closed shut with sleep, you realized that it wasn't really a blanket keeping you warm as you had believed just a few moments ago. Frowning groggily, you slowly allowed your eyes to flutter open, meeting one of the most breathtaking scenes you had ever taken part of. For a moment all you could think was that there was an angel lying next to you, an angel was holding you in his arms and he looked beautiful as if he had stepped out of a painting and blessed you with his presence.

In the span of a few seconds, your heartbeat had sped up, only to sooner calm down, its excitement morphing into a warmth that allowed flowers to bloom in your tummy. Their petals were tickling you and their roots were carving the beautiful letters of his name into your heart. His wavy hair was messily scattered over his forehead, on his crown it stuck into every direction but nonetheless- beautiful. A beautiful mess. Baekhyun's lips were slightly parted as soft sneers tumbled out of them. The eyelashes were glittering in the golden rays of the sun peeking through the blinders, like small diamonds adorning a ring. Their length reached the flushed apples of his cheeks, kissing them and casting a sweet shadow. You smiled fondly at the innocent view, at the warm blush that traveled from his left cheek, up the bridge of his nose and onto the right cheek, a soft hue that made him look so gorgeously young. His face completely free of any frown, indicating that he was having a peaceful sleep. Like he wasn't carrying so many struggles on his own, he looked like a carefree kid having his afternoon nap.

You felt yourself melting before him, Baekhyun's limbs were hugging your hips close to himself and his hands lazily claimed your waist while his fingertips teased the exposed skin of your back. The organ in your chest swelled, filling itself with so much affection and raw emotions, it swelled and swelled until you felt it pounding against your ribs. As if it was begging to break free and intertwine itself with Baekhyun's. Your eyes traced his tender features as he slept, so peaceful and mild, you wished the world could stop in this instant so that you could forever share this warmth with him. So that you could forever be embraced by his strong arms, protected, loved. So that you could forever bask in his scent that was sweet and soapy, mixed with the freshness of wood.

Another smile found its way on your lips as you pondered.

Indeed, loving Baekhyun was as easy as hating the cops.

Indeed-

Loving...

Loving Baekhyun.

The realization hit you like an ice-cold waterfall cutting through your body, air hitching inside of your throat as your eyes widened like saucers. Suddenly the flowers blooming in your chest felt like thorns scratching and cutting your insides. No, oh fuck no.

You should've known that the butterflies had been a red flag all along. With your chest heaving for oxygen, you re scrambled from your laying position, making Baekhyun stir awake at the sudden violent movements.

You liked him... No, you fucking loved him. You loved Baekhyun so much and it was so fucked up that you were helping him get together with someone else instead of making your feelings clear for him.

You had no idea why you felt so unnerved all of a sudden, but your thoughts were swirling all over your the place into a jumbled mess, making you breathless and utterly confused, all you knew was that you needed to leave the house and just getaway. Get away from him.

The heart jumped all the way to your throat when his voice suddenly ringed through the walls. Husky and tired, it called your name questioningly, making you freeze in your steps as you saw him entering the hallway you were standing in.

"What's going on?" He yawned, "Where are you going?"He pouted, which you really couldn't handle at the moment. Even in your panicked state, your brain found a way to remark how unfairly adorable Baekhyun was at the moment, rubbing the sleep out of his eye, the paw of his hand peeking from the oversized sleeve while standing there like a confused puppy. In his question lingered an unspoken request for you to stay longer, but at the moment all you really needed was some alone time to accept this new realization.

"I..." You had no idea what to say for yourself and you hoped he wouldn't dig too deep. "I have to go to work! Oh my God, I am actually very late- shit!" The words that left your trembling lips were completely random and made no sense as you started wearing your shoes and picked up your bag. Movements were extremely messy and rushed. Stupid! You cursed yourself, it was a freaking Sunday and there was no way Baekhyun was going to believe that. Despite the confused (and adorable) frown causing a tiny crease on his forehead, he didn't question it. It seemed like your hasty behavior had been enough to fool his groggy self.

"Will you come by next week?" Baekhyun then asked before you could curl your hand against the handle. Suddenly it felt like the lump in your throat had grown inches- and kept on expanding as another realization dawned on you.

He had told you just last night how he would be having another date next week since he had postponed the one from yesterday to focus more on his daughter. And you had, with a smile, agreed.

You would be going to his house, only for him to exit it, to meet another woman, and this fact that hadn't given you more than a little twinge in your chest yesterday was now devastating you.

Baekhyun was already entering another relationship- and although you had known that, until today, it had never meant anything to you. But now all of a sudden, you did bother because you knew that you so much wanted to be that girl he would be smiling at- and perhaps even kissing every day. Gosh, you wanted him all for yourself but wishing was so fucking useless at the moment. You had already thrown away your chance and Baekhyun already belonged to someone. And that someone was not you.

Nothing had been established and yet it still felt like your heart was breaking. Even so, why was it so damn painful? Why did it need to feel like someone was ripping it to shreds, clenching it with no mercy? Perhaps, because as beautiful as love could seem, be and feel, it was bound to hurt you just as much when gone wrong.

Be aware of butterflies, they had said, because they'll break your heart.

To pieces.

It had always sounded ridiculous to you, but there you were experiencing the exact thing. Your heart was crumbling, falling in the pit of your stomach as your teeth drew blood from your lips to stop them from trembling. All you could offer the man was a nod before escaping behind the door because the last thing you could trust at that point was your voice.

Although now outside, the fresh air did not help your suffocating lungs as you gasped out the sob that you had been holding in for the entire time in there. Tears blurred your view but you furiously dried them with your sleeve as you hurried over to your car. The fabric of your jacket rubbing against your eyes hurt more than what you had thought and you found yourself cursing under your breath, cursing everything you had done and everything that came into your view. It did not make you feel better at all. What were you supposed to do when everything you had was crumbling upon you?

A weight had laid itself upon your chest from the very moment you had opened that door of his, and you knew, that it was going to be with you for a while.

***

The week was rushing by and although you had done nothing but immerse yourself in your job to forget and concentrate on other things that weren't the pain in your chest and the desperate longing for his presence, you still felt as if nothing had changed. It still felt like that Sunday where you had left Baekhyun's property with tears in your eyes had yet to come to an end. Indeed, the week passed by and you followed your routine, but no matter where your body would go during the days, your mind wouldn't budge from that one morning where for a few moments, everything had been so perfect and ever so ethereal, only for it to be like a window busted by a rock.

You were frustrated with yourself because you couldn't wrap your head around it and let it go. It was all you wanted at the moment, to just accept things as they were and end this pain. But your heart was stubborn like you had never asked it to be. So loyal to that boxy and toothy smile of his. Friday was nearing and your heart could just race anxiously at the reminder of babysitting Sarang. You were nowhere ready to face him again, the part of you who was a coward secretly hoped that Baekhyun would be out by the time you'd arrive so that you could indulge solely in Sarang's warm smile. It'd be just helpful if you could forget his at some point, that would hurt a lot less, wouldn't it?

What hurt even more, was how you knew, that he was clueless about all of this pain he was causing you, and you couldn't put a single blame on him.

It had been you, after all.

***

Friday, a little over 6 pm. Perhaps you had come a bit late on purpose, but you wouldn't admit that to yourself as you stood in right before his front door and swung nervously on the balls of your feet. Conflicted between knocking or just entering casually as you normally would. If you knocked, it wasn't like the little Sarang would be tall enough to open the door, but what if Baekhyun would supposedly still be at home for whatever reason when you went in? That would feel even more awkward and-

Your hand twitched and before you knew it, you had already swung the door open, as if your body was fed up with your overthinking and took matters into its own hands. Quite literally. Well, no turning back now, you encouraged yourself and walked in while muttering a small I'm here. It was odd to not have a bubbly Sarang running with all her might to latch her arms around your legs and give you the happiest greeting. Instead, you were met with deafening silence, though you knew that you weren't alone in the house as it had been unlocked. The more you walked your way inside, the clearer the noise of glasses clinking against each other became. Rounding the corner, you were met with the last thing you had expected to see. A defeated Baekhyun arranging liquors and alcoholic drinks on the table, a few shot glasses stood unused by the bottles and you supposed that he hadn't even gotten started yet. You completely forgot about the worries that had been eating you up just a few seconds ago and walked over to him, grabbing his wrist before he could pour himself the string liquid you knew he couldn't handle.

"What are you doing?" You regretted how accusing your question had come out, but soon your cleared your throat and spoke again, "Why are you here at home, what about Sarang?" This time you spoke softly and allowed your gaze to lock with his confused one that within a matter of seconds filled with realization. A groan left his lips as he buried his face into his palms.

"Sorry, I forgot to tell you, I dropped her at my mother's,  you actually didn't need to come." Baekhyun seemed incredibly apologetic and regretful as he explained himself, but you couldn't bring yourself to concentrate on those emotions when his droopy orbs were swirling with something far more sorrowful. His eyes were dark, and deep like oceans and anyone else wouldn't have been able to read him at this moment. But you had dived into those eyes of his so many times before, you knew better than to believe that those lines of lack of sleep tracing his features were merely because of his exhausting job. Worry crawled into you and you took a seat in front of him, hesitantly brushing your fingertips against his only to feel the urge to flinch because they weren't as warm as they'd usually be when holding onto you.

"Baekhyun, what's wrong?" The question on its own managed to crack the facade he often wore to not worry anyone around him and to make himself believe he was fine when in reality he was anything but that. His eyebrows bent in sorrow and his eyes turned ever so slightly glossy, making a lump grow in your throat.

"I messed up," He confessed under his breath, his whisper breaking in the middle of his sentence. Baekhyun's hands were frustrated as they gripped at his hair, pulling slightly as he puffed out a desperate breath. "It's over. " A small tear escaped his eye and he growled frustratedly, drying it harshly.  "As soon as she knew about Sarang she cut the ties. What am I going to do at this point?!" He was on the verge of shouting, "I am not good enough for anyone, I'm so fucking done." You could see his adam's apple bobbing, reasonably attempting to swallow down the sob threatening to spill from his lips because he didn't need another person to witness him being weak for the millionth time.  

No, please, don't ever say that. You wanted to tell him so bad, but you were such a coward, it was like your lips were sealed. When another tear traveled down his cheek, you finally found it in yourself to scramble out of your seat and sit next to him instead, taking his face into your trembling hands and shaking your head with disagreement.

"That is so not true, Baekhyun." You murmured brokenly. The fact that he would even for a second believe such a lie made you want to burst into tears. He was so beautiful, he was anything that someone could want in a person and more. It was so unfair that he didn't know. Baekhyun's expression was indecipherable even to you as he stared into your eyes with such seriousness, eventually tracing your features and you could feel his eyes dance all over your face.

Baekhyun cleared his throat after what seemed to have been five whole minutes, but really, had been a lot less. His hands gently pried yours from his cheeks and placed them back in your lap, eyeing the things he had set on the table before you had come. With a sigh, he uttered:

"Shall we have a couple of drinks?" The question was so out of the blue and yet managed to crack you up, and he smiled slightly too when he saw you doing it. You nodded.

Why not? He wasn't the only emotional one, and you had no idea what would be the outcome if the two of you got drunk together, but at the moment you couldn't care less. It finally felt as if that weight was slowly lifting itself from your chest, so all you could do was continue on this road you had ended upon.

***

Laughter and giggling were filling the once quiet walls of his home, Baekhhyun had just sputtered one of his stupid jokes that really, shouldn't have been as funny as it had seemed now that you were influenced by alcohol. Yet, you found yourself laughing intensely enough to have tears spring in your eyes. The man wore a proud grin on his face upon having you laugh so freely because of something he said. You weren't completely drunk just yet- but tipsy enough to have that warm hue crawl along your face, giving both of you a shy look, but that shy look secretly hid a sudden braveness that only came with the strong drink. One that made you feel the bravest you've ever been, at the same time as an enhanced version of yourself, possibly, a little out of yourself too. But it didn't matter anymore.

Your loud voices eventually died down and Baekhyun leaned his head onto the table when hit by a sudden wave of sleepiness and dizziness. His cheek squashed against its surface and in the process hid his eye as he faced you in his position. He looked at you and you gazed back, leaning onto your palm to take in his every detail, only to feel a sudden sense of unfairness surge within you, anger sparked in your chest as you picked up your beer bottled and swung it in the air while gesticulating.

"I don't understand!" Your loud voice made the sleepy male flinch back awake, he eyed you with big eyes and question marks popping above of his head. "You!" You pointed an accusatory finger in his direction and the confused male winced once again, not knowing what to expect from you, whether he'll feel offended or confused by the possible nonsense about to leave your mouth. But that wasn't really it.

"You're so beautiful." The statement was nothing like what he had expected you to say and the shock was evident on his flushed face. The more you looked at his pink cheeks, the more you wanted to squish his them together and press your lips to his plump ones that currently looked like your favorite lollipop flavor. "And I do not understand how three women in a row rejected all this good that you are! Like can't they see?!" You slurred and pointed at him once more. "

"Byun Baekhyun, if I was them, I would've already been your girlfriend, loving both you and Sarang. They are dumb. They are dumb, you hear me?!" Your voice was slightly high-pitched as you spoke, the words you were uttering were making your heart beat faster because you knew that you were basically confessing, but the sudden braveness was clouding your senses. All you could think about was that you wanted him to know.

"You are perfect- Byun Baekhyun," Your head dropped gently on the table right in front of his and the table felt cool on your cheek which made you feel more awake. Not enough to back away though. "Repeat after me," You ordered, without realizing the meaningful look that Baekhyun was manifesting in his starry eyes while following your every movement.

"I am perfect-" You felt yourself freeze when suddenly consciousness was knocked into you with the simple caress of Baekhyun's strawberry breath on your cheeks. Without a warning, he had scooted closer to you, his hand reached out for your own and thunders seemed to spark from his fingertips as they met yours, gently tracing your palm and intertwining your fingers with his beautiful ones. From a little more than tipsy to completely sober in the span of a few seconds, it was absolutely odd but even so, you couldn't find it in yourself to willingly move away. Because you didn't want to.

Butterflies fluttered in your belly- and the sensation brought you to fear, however,  Baekhyun's familiar scent fell on you like the warmest, most comforting blanket, and you soon forgot about anything that wasn't him. His face from this close was like the most precious treasure, you loved how you could count his lashes from this nearness, being able to see the texture of his skin or stare at your own reflection in his sparkling, adoring mirrors.

As much as those features of his were mesmerizing, nothing could even remotely come close to those pink lips of his that glistened under the dim kitchen lights has he darted a slow, and careful tongue across them, and the action made a foreign heat gather in your core. Unconsciously, your legs pressed together. You wanted them on yours so bad. His breath on your mouth was teasing and making you impatient. Teeth dug into your lip as you held back the urge to close the distance, Baekhyun was just taking his time studying yours as if he had to find the perfect way to kiss them with, eyes hooded with desire. A wave of disappointment washed over you when you felt his hand untangle from yours, but it didn't last long as he soon enough had already cupped your cheek with it. He wasted no time in bringing his thumb to your caged lips and released them from the hold of your teeth, letting them fall apart and vulnerable. They were pulsing eagerly, longing for his to devour them.

His thumb still held the fine edge of your lower lip as he inched closer, expanding it and feeling its soft texture with his pad. You watched his eyelids fall over his orbs as he gently licked the part of your lips that he was pulling and the gasp you let out at the sensation melted on his caressing tongue. His wet pillows stuck to yours like sticky glue as he finally pressed them against yours. A trembling sigh left your lips when you finally got what you wanted. He shifted from the table without parting your lips, keeping you engaged in the hungry kiss. You hadn't even noticed how he had dragged you up to your feet only so that he could press you against the nearest wall and press his scorching body against yours. Baekhyun's teeth dug softly into your lip before soothing it with a suck, later dragging his lips down your jaw, your neck, and painted your skin with his tickling kisses. The heat in your core could only grow as his hands traced every inch of your body, thumbs pushing the fabric of your shirt so that they could draw circles on your hips.

He panted against your collarbone at the pleasant feeling of your lips on his ear and your heart swelled when his arms hugged your waist instead of touching it sensually as he had done a few seconds ago. Without a warning, he kissed you square on the lips once again, but you complied joyfully. "Jump, please," He muffled against your swelling lips, and you did, lacing your legs around his torso. His hand traced the lower part of your thighs, coming to rest on your bum. Although your clothes were separating you, his touch still felt like it burned on your skin. It made you feel alive as it traveled underneath your shirt, spreading on your back. Taking its time to feel every pattern of your flesh, bones. Like you were the most beautiful canvas and his fingers' the brushed itching to paint it.

Everything that was happened felt slow, but at the same time like a blur. Your head was spinning around as you suddenly found yourself in his bedroom, shakily unbuttoning his shirt. Your fingers were trembling uncontrollably, barely pushing the buttons out of the hole. Warmth crept on your cheeks because you were taking so long, but you couldn't help the excitement buzzing so violently through your body. You thought Baekhyun had gotten enough of your incapability when he suddenly grabbed your hands, stopping you from continuing. But Baekhyun had always been full of surprises. Your heart squirmed affectionately when he brought your hands to his face. "It's okay," He had murmured ever so gently as he pressed feathery kisses on your fingertips, lips enveloping your digits.

"I- I'm sorry," You stuttered, completely out of yourself as you resumed unbuttoning, this time successful, "It just feels like I'm unwrapping a gift I've been waiting for my whole life." You admitted quietly, hesitantly placing your hands on his sturdy shoulders, slowly pushing down his shirt, stripping him of it. His body was warm and tense underneath your touch, muscles hard and strong.

A sweet chuckle resonated through the walls and you wished you could've replayed it a thousand times again. The sun had set hours ago, leaving the bright full moon to paint his features in its silver, glittering linings. He looked even more mesmerizing than this morning, he just never stopped growing beautiful.

Baekhyun found it impossible not to kiss your flushed cheeks at your nervous antics. Pressing his forehead against yours, he let your hands go, just so that he could trace his finger along your protruding collarbone, eventually hooking around your spaghetti strap. "Can I?" He asked carefully, and you thought he never would've. You nodded and he wasted no time, face nuzzling into the crook of your neck, he lifted the hem of your shirt. A kiss was pressed to your shoulders before he leaned away so that you could lift your arms, helping him.

"My beautiful," He breathed out at the view of your naked torso, eyes brimming with adoration and affection like you truly were the most wonderful person he had ever seen, "Beautiful darling."

You had no idea how a moment could be such a blur but at the same time feel like the while you've been more alive than ever. From when his hands had explored your naked body, bosom swelling in his tender palms, giving him the chance to feel your beating heart pulsating against his fingers. His lips whispering the sweetest nothing's into your ear as he made sure you knew that you were beautiful. The moment you had been able to do just the same with him, giving him sensations to remember and treasure. Sensations that only you and he could ignite from each other.  Becoming one important thing together, one wonderful thing.

One.

***

It was late in the morning, but you felt like you could sleep for another ten hours. You felt completely exhausted as you stirred awake, stretching your limbs ever so slightly, only to wince at the sore sensation taking place in the lower parts of your body. Of course, you remembered. Although you had been under the influence of alcohol, there would've never been a chance that you would forget such a moment. Hence, you were happy, so happy that you felt tingles crawling through your body, shooting stars flying down your spine. Your whole being was like a starry night as you woke up to Baekhyun eyeing you with those droopy eyelids hooding lazily over his orbs. His arm was hugging your bare waist and he was staying in the position that he had woken up in, that alone should've been to answer your every question, but still, you felt the need to hear it from him. Though, before you could even open your mouth, Baekhyun had already beat you to it.

"I have to apologize."

What? Your heart fell to the pit of your stomach and you felt how the anxiety was crawling at every edge it could grip.

"I, I apologize for making love to you when I wasn't sober- I"

Making love.

Not sex. Love.

"Baekhyun. I love you." It was like his voice had been sucked back into his throat as you interrupted him with the words.  "Do you regret what we did?" You continued, and Baekhyun looked taken aback, to say the least, but he recovered quickly and shook his head with a soft smile blossoming on his lips.

"As I was saying, " He chuckled, "It's hard for me to wrap my head around the way everything happened. But I don't regret a single thing I said, neither anything I did." What he was saying settled a blissful relief in your chest and your eyes couldn't find something to settle on his beautiful face. Whether to gaze into his endless oceans or watch his swollen lips speak, or maybe the tiny moles scattered all over his face.

"I've been feeling it for a while. That I was just fooling myself, and those women I went out with. Because as amazing as they were, I realized that there isn't anyone else I'd like to spend my days apart from you." Honey dripped from his lips, indeed his words were too sweet, but they were directed towards you, and that solely felt like you were stepping onto could nine.

"Nobody knows me like you do," He murmured as he pressed a palm to your flushed cheek, the pad of his thumb drawing lazy circles on it. "Nobody loves Sarang like you do,"

"How could there ever be someone else when you're here, loving everything I am including my flaws, probably knowing me better than I do myself." He chuckled with disbelief as if he couldn't believe that he had actually tried to chase other women when the only one for him had been next to him all along.

"And as I've realized that I...That I love you, I won't apologize that our first time wasn't when I was completely aware and sober." Baekhyun pleaded for forgiveness, shifting so that he could hover over you, the blanket slipped down his naked body, exposing him slightly. But the truth was that you weren't angry at all.

"And I hope you'll let me do it again, but this time I'll do it right." He dipped his head down to murmur against your lips.

"Will you let me?" His hand had caressed along the lines of your body, fingers gently prying the cover from your bodies. In his eyes shone so much love, so much desire to show it all to you, how much you meant to him.

"You don't have to ask," You replied sweetly, already welcoming the petals dancing in your tummy, loving the traces of warmth his hands left on you, how he took his time to explore every inch of you so that he could know you like no one else did. So that he could love you like no one else did.

"Daddy!!!" Sarang's high pitched giggle cut through the thick tension that had built up between the two of you, prompting Baekhyun to look down at you with a terrified expression taking over his face.

"Daddy I'm home! Let's play!"

"You should go," You teased while laughing at him, to which he gave you a playful glare, a bit disappointed to postpone things.

"Daadddyyyy! Are you hiding?" Sarang insisted from wherever she was wandering, and you couldn't help but think to yourself, that you were ready. Ready to indulge into this relationship, ready to take Sarang in your arms as if she was your family. You were ready to face it all.

A sudden affectionate swelling took place in your heart and you couldn't stop yourself when you grabbed Baekhyun's cheeks in your hands and pulled him down for a gentle, lingering kiss.

"You should go before she sees us like this." You ushered him to hurry and he nodded in agreement, stealing another set of eager kisses. "Will do, my love" He whispered in your ear teasingly before rolling over the other side and getting ready to greet his impatient daughter.

It felt like it was only you and me in the world.

I fell in love with your smile. After that, I just love everything about you.

I think of you every day,

Stupid in love.

Fin.

***

A/N

Phew! That was one long ride! I think this is the longest one shot I have ever written and it's currently almost 2am and all I want to do is post this quickly aaah >< I deeply apologize for all the mistakes you might find in here! I will do editing after posting.

I truly thank you all for sticking with me through this whole one shot! I am so thankful that you gave this your precious time and I hope it was worth the wait! I really invite you to express yourselves and tell me what you think of it. Comments and feedback are so motivating to me and I'd deeply appreciate it if you did.  As always, I send you all of my love and hugs, I love you all and please stay safe and clean your pretty hands! You are all precious, little flowers 💕🥰💖💌

P.S.

The ending was so damn hard to write and my brain Is fizzling right now haha, I hope it isn't as bad as it seems to me right now.  I might change it bit as well, just because I don't feel completely happy with it, but I really wanted to post this also.

Alright! That was all from me! Be kind to yourselves and spread love! Much love, P.💖💕

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