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matrixwhore · 1 year ago

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thinking about how so much of mental health recovery is self forgiveness and allowing yourself to move on and how (having been raised in religious shame structure) not being able to can really trap you into patterns if you don’t. im about to make this about that vampire show lmao. i tried not to. i didn’t even expect this. i was gonna just do a to delete personal post. but whatever. you don’t have to read. but, there’s so much shame in being unwell. all religion teaches you in that anyone of “sin” is deserving of instability, of punishment, unhappiness of hell. then religions tell people to turn that voice inwards and name it their governing god voice. thats so damaging.

my mind is whizzing with religious trauma thoughts in amc iwtv. as well as mental health aspects given how i’ve been and i haven’t really done wtf your call this in a while and i’m really too shrouded in the shame of being unwell to even feel like i should say anything at all anymore. i’m pushing through bc that’s honestly the problem.

that’s what i see reflected in louis. suffering silently bc you might be the hell you can’t escape bc the magnitude you’re experiencing it makes you feel like you must deserve it. if it’s you then what else could there be. doesnt seem like even what’s good can come without hell-in-tow. in his line of work, in his life with his family, in the only way he could be with jonah, in lestat, in claudia. hell is always right there where the good things are. and then everywhere you look the thought is it’s reinforced. religion indoctrinates in you that good is for those who are pure. louis was never afforded pure. even tho it’s actually an injustice and pure is a tool for exclusion and hatred etc. etc. sometimes even when you know that, even when you have the awareness of how unfair it is to be held to a standard never meant for you, it doesnt mean shame isnt effective.

im thinking about shame and self-flagellation in louis. someone on here once pointed out how louis might have thought he was really losing it where lestat was concerned, with all his tricks, and how that was probably why he didn’t want to look at it head on. i get that observation bc of the shame and i also get the appeal and seduction of just letting the mind go with whatever it is if you’re receiving something you’ve been starved of for a long time. bc sometimes losing your mind feels like chains falling and bounds expanding. and it’s all so alluring especially when the state of your mind is as a result of the rigidness of society and life around you. and then the shame that comes for what you perceive yourself to have allowed when things go to hell. especially when it seems like hell is a rapid endless thing with infinite ways to show you all you ever wanted decay before your very eyes bc trauma is death and death is trauma and this is the death and trauma show.

and religions determine what death is in your mind’s eye. and religious shame is a spider cocooning you and telling you to think yourself a butterfly all the while. how do you forgive yourself from there? and if you can’t can you even look at the full scope of your situation? what if the shame is a dead brother, a town burning, estrangement with relatives, abuse/victimhood, a dead sister/daughter all things that were core values to have a certain way. all things that you defined yourself by and the good times (sarcastic) keep on rolling. what hurts the most sometimes is what you did or didn’t do. idk that i have anything else to say. im getting to the point within myself where i keep thinking “who even cares” so imma stop here. bc i’d like to share before i convince myself to delete. but just if your out there struggling with mental health shit i hope you forgive yourself for things you’re holding onto out of shame. not even just as a self kindness but also bc you deserve to and progress is hindered if you dont in my opinion. i am not a professional. this is simply from what i’ve experienced/observed. if you got beef with yourself and you prefer to take it to your grave. do your thing. im just a username on this thing.

#itwv #kinda #louis de pointe du lac #personal shit mostly #cause why were you on the spider’s web? only the web is designed to catch you #mw posts

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bridgyrose · 1 year ago

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More of the old Sugar Rush angst please!

(It has been a while, hasnt it?)

Ruby bandaged up her arm with some gauze, wincing as she pulled a bit too tightly while trying to cover up the bleeding on her arm. For months it had been the same thing: let Watts check her arm and heart to make sure her recovery was going well, train with Cinder and end up with more injuries than she had before, then sit in her room to rest and try to take care of herself. Though, the question of why stayed on her mind. Why was she kept alive and not killed by Tyrian? Why bother training her with Cinder at all?

She flinched as her door opened with Hazel standing in the doorway. instinctively reaching for the knife she was given as a weapon as her fingers glided over it as she watched him. “What do you want?”

“Salem would like to speak to you,” Hazel said in his usual monotone voice, nearly grumbling as he said it.

“Now?” Ruby asked as she got up, pocketing her knife. “I’ve been here for months and now she wants to speak to me? What could she possibly want or need from me now?”

“You can ask her yourself.”

Ruby sighed as Hazel motioned for her to follow him, slowly walking out of her room once she had gathered her cloak to make sure she was presentable. Her ears caught the sounds of her own footsteps as they echoed through the hallway on the stone floors, the air quiet. Her own voice and questions echoed in her mind as she continued her walk to Salem’s throne room, worry starting to creep into the back of her mind. Though, she didnt have much time to dwell on those thoughts as Hazel stopped and opened the door to the throne room, motioning for her to go in.

“Do not keep her waiting.”

Ruby rolled her eyes and walked into the throne room, pausing as she heard the door shut behind her. With a deep breath, she made her way to Salem, her mechanical heart pounding in her chest.

“Stop,” Salem commanded once Ruby came close enough. “Kneel.”

“Not until you tell me what you want-”

“I said, *kneel*.”

Ruby felt herself get pulled down to the ground by grimm-like hands that came out of glyphs under her. She struggled to get out of the grip of the hands, only to feel herself get pulled down harder as Salem stood up and walked to her.

“You are alive because I allow it.” Salem stopped in front of Ruby, kneeling down and lifting her chin with a finger. “And I allow it because you are useful to me.”

“I… I still dont… know what you want,” Ruby said between breaths as she struggled to get free.

Salem smiled and pulled away from Ruby, taking a few steps around the throne room as she straightened her posture. “Ozpin had been using you as a tool, a weapon to fight me and my grimm with. Disposable. Nothing more than just an afterthought to this war.”

Ruby nearly froze as the grimm hands let her go, looking up at Salem as her eyes started to shine for a moment. “Then what do you want with me?”

“I want to give you a purpose.” Salem stopped and looked at Ruby again, frowning when she saw her eyes. “To give you the direction that Ozma never did.”

“I have direction!” Ruby picked herself up and reached for her knife. “Ozpin told me everything I needed to know.”

“Then did he tell you about your mother?”

The light in Ruby’s eyes started to dim for a moment, her body going still. Her voice sounded rough as she tried to speak again, holding back a few sobs. “What do you know about her?”

“I know Ozma sent her to her death, used her as a tool until she was no longer useful. Discarded and tossed away to die like all the others he sends to me. But unlike the others, I could still use her.”

“What did you do to her?!”

“I didnt do anything.” Salem turned away and started to make her way to the window overlooking the grimm pits. “However, I’ll tell her where she is as long as you do what I say.”

“And what makes you think I’ll work for you?”

“I heard there’s a few huntsmen looking for you. It would be a shame if something were to happen to them.”

Ruby looked down at the ground, her mechanical heart nearly stopping as she heard the threat, her body shaking as Salem spoke once more.

“And remember, that heart and arm are gifts from me. And I will take them from you if you think you can turn on me.”

#rwby #ruby rose #rwby ruby rose #hazel rainart #salem #rwby salem #sugar rush #rwby sugar rush #angsty drabbles #:)

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desultory-suggestions · 2 years ago

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I have my exams next week and I've barely studied these last two months, now I have absolutely no motivation or energy. I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, nothing excites me anymore and the last activity I wanna do rn is study but I have to pass these exams. i don't even know how to begin to approach this , it feels like an entire world rn, even the most basic tasks feel like such a burden

Hello, dear. First things first, take a deep breath. Right here at this moment, all that matters is your breathing. Take a pause and breathe, let yourself relax your body. Let your mind wander, but don't stay anywhere too long. If you think of something that causes stress, just take another deep breath and let it flow by. When we become overwhelmed with work and anxiety, it becomes so intense that we cannot see ahead of ourselves in a productive manner. Slowing down is effective, and will help you in your discernment.

First things first, it is clear you are completely burnt out. That is nothing to be ashamed of, in fact, I was too very recently. You could try to slough through exams this way but it won't be good for you or your grades. So first, what are your options.

Ask for extensions and accessibility support - Contact your school and be honest with them about where you are. Depression is an illness, just like a student coming in and saying they have a physical health condition preventing them from succeeding, you can go in and ask for help. They may be able to offer you extensions on your exams, a different type of exam to take (written instead of multiple choice), or options you may not know exist.

Do what you can, and accept mediocrity - The reality is that you are struggling, and you simply may not be able to do very well right now. Ask for study help, try but accept that you may not do as well as you'd hoped. Put together a study plan aimed at getting through, not being the best. I still encourage speaking to professors and school offices for support so you don't fail but aim for a C and not an A. I am happy to offer a low-effort study guide if that is helpful.

Look into suspending your semester - If things are just too much, and you can't get through it there is no shame in stopping. So many students avoid this because it feels like the end of the world, but it is 100x better to take care of yourself until you feel capable of returning than to hurt yourself to get through. This is not uncommon, and the right offices will help you get there. You matter so much more than school.

Seek professional help - Reach out to a mental health professional right away. Depression isn't something to be fought alone. Most people will need tools like therapy and medication to take care of themselves. If you are unmedicated you could consider trying it as an option. If you are medicated but feel this bad, it is clearly not working and must be adjusted.

Look into the present, past, and future. - You said "nothing excites me anymore" so ask yourself, what did excite you? Why isn't it working now? How can you get there again? These have many answers, and may not be clean-cut. In my own recent discernment, I found that my old work and community excited me and it stopped working because I stopped having access to that work and community. I spent a long time working through it and came to the conclusion the issue was not a lack of effort but that where I was would never have what I wanted. It was not easy, but this exploration lead to me transferring universities and moving states. It was a lot, but it was worth it.

Right now everything will feel impossible, but as someone who just escaped that cycle, it does get better, you will be okay, and you will find passion, energy, and happiness again. Do not give up, and don't stop yourself from asking for help. I am here if you need support any time!

-Evan

#asks #anon #burn out #burnout #depression #depression recovery #depressive episode #school #university #studyblr #student

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rabarbarzcukrem · 1 year ago

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My thoughts on The Irregulars

Okay, I've just binge watched Netflix's The Irregulars. To be honest I didn't know pretty much anything about it before I started, I decided to check it out because I had heard Watson was canonically queer in this version. Glancing at the synopsis made me think that it would be a story of Sherlock Holmes's cases told through the perspective of the members of street gangs he hires to find information for him (which I thought was a cool idea with a lot of potential). So I was pretty disappointed when I started watching and found out that 1. it was fantasy and 2. it had nothing of the iconic cases from the original source material. I hate when shows take crime cases and add ✨ supernatural ✨ twists to them for no reason, because what's really fun about this particular genre is gradually figuring out how the crime was orchestrated. When you add the paranormal to that, it's harder to look for clues and draw conclusions yourself because magic makes anything possible and you need to wait for the show to explain it to you.

But I was really pleasantly surprised that the show didn't take the "crime but with a magic twist" route and committed to the idea, making everything revolve around the supernatural instead. So Holmes and Watson aren't regular detectives, they specifically deal with paranormal cases, Mycroft isn't just working for the government, he's a member of a magic cult.

I've seen many people complain that this version makes Holmes, and especially Watson completely unlikable, but this darker characterization is actually the thing I enjoyed the most. When it's done in the usual way, with Holmes as the brilliant detective and Watson as his companion, the narrator and a stand-in for the audience, he needs to be passive to some degree, because the structure of the story demands that of him. But by placing them in the background, you can stop treating them as narrative tools and actually focus on them being characters. And when you take this approach, and look at the things Watson actually does - choosing to associate himself with an eccentric drug addict and lead a particularly dangerous lifestyle - it starts to make sense that he's a little bit fucked up, actually. Also I'm a sucker for unrequited love and gay yearning, so he was bound to be my favorite.

Sherlock disappointed me a little bit to be honest. He's alright I guess, I just wish they'd do something more interesting with him. But they gave him a cunty earring, so that's a plus. (Also the actor reminded me of Taika Waititi for some reason...?)

A small part of me kind of wishes that instead of changing their characterization so drastically they'd simply make their own characters... But in that case I would have probably never watched this show, so I guess it works as a way to draw attention.

The main characters are... fine? A very typical YA fantasy team (*cough* Six of Crows *cough*). I liked how casually yet maturely they handled the sexual stuff between them, I liked Billy's struggle with his trauma. Most things about them was done well, although it was nothing revolutionary.

What really bugged me was the costume design. I won't be complaining about historical inaccuracies because it's clear the show wasn't going for realism, but why couldn't they have just chosen 1 time period (or a set of silhouettes at least) to take inspiration from and commit to it? The fashion is all over the place.

All in all it was okay? Definitely better than Warrior Nun, another cancelled show - very flawed and clumsily written but still close to my heart. It's a shame there won't be a continuation, but I don't think there needs to be.

#the irregulars #I'd give it like a 6/10 #moje

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concertino-in-fuck-you-minor · 1 year ago

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Delete if it's not fitting to the rest of the post, but the reason I mainly felt like life was hard was a multitude of things, including some of what was mentioned above. But you know what was the thing that changed my life from 'surviving' to 'thriving'?

Self-esteem.

Okay, okay, hear me out. I've been diagnosed with ADHD and am on meds. Also taking some anti-depressants for childhood trauma. Doing weekly sessions with a trauma-trained therapist. All has been very good, but there was something that was stopping me from trying again every time I fell off the wagon. And it was because /my self-esteem was so low I lost the ability to function/. I have been reading through the book "the six pillars of self esteem" by Nathaniel Branden, and he mentions at the beginning that self-esteem is not like the things you need to live (food, sleep, water, sex), but it's more like calcium. You can't die outright from a low amount of calcium, but you become so malnourished that you can't function well at all, and /because/ of this deficiency, it can lead to struggling, and in some cases, death.

When I realised this everything clicked in my head. Why I was struggling with the simple habits of brushing my teeth and showering, why I couldn't stop ruminating and kept on feeling so sad all the time, causing me to become so so so tired. It wasn't until my singing teacher looked at me and said she can't continue working with me, because I looked so /unhappy/. I had all the tools at my disposal, but when I made mistakes or forgot to do things, I'd hate my entire being and I'd be too scared to try again, for fear I'll be chastised by others or myself. Now I've stuck to a schedule that I've worked on for three weeks, my record best since I was 15. I'm incredibly proud of myself for this, and I get to move on from my anger and shame and guilt because I /trust myself/. I mean, it's still early days, but I've seen so much improvement since then.

I truly recommend just noticing what your view on yourself is, and if everything else in your life is not working, I suggest this. I mean, it's not gonna fix things that are physical, but it will make it easier to jump back up (figuratively) when you've been knocked down.

I wish everyone a good pride month and a thriving life.

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petraadams · 2 years ago

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Things that kill Relationships

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins, but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes" - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Most of us have had the moment we recognize that our relationship is rapidly deteriorating. Even though this kind of decline often results in a breakup it doesn't have to be. Most likely, there's something that's undermining the bond that is love, and friendship--and when you recognize the problem, you could keep the friendship.

Below are some common relationship killers, with quick solutions to heal the wound:

1. Shame and Blame.

In addition to all-out abuse, blaming and shaming could be the most effective way to destroy your relationship. Both of these behaviors show disdain towards your partner, showing that you consider the person as less than you or deserving of ridicule. This attitude can have adverse effects, not just on the person being blamed, but also on the one who is doing the blaming, too.

Quick Solution: Start every disagreement or conflict by assuming that the issue is not the result of some flaw in your partner's character.

2. Have fun.

While this behavior can be damaging to a couple's relationship, it often sneaks up on them. One day, a husband will look at his wife and wonder, "When was it the last time we had fun together?" After all that joy and lightheartedness have gone, it can become a struggle to keep the couple together.

Quick Solution: Identify one thing you did together. It doesn't mean you have to recreate the exact activity (or maybe not), but the joy of this experience can bring hope and excitement into your relationship.

3. Breaking up can be used as a bargaining tool.

When you threaten to end a relationship (or divorce them), your partner will get the impression that you don't value the relationship. These threats are not effective for getting what you want. Worse, they can make your partner feel that you don’t value the relationship. This is often more damaging than the actual source of the conflict.

Quick Solution: Use something other in a positive tone to leverage your relationship. Never threaten your partner with divorce or breaking up.

4. You can summon the ghosts of your exes.

Talking about ex-partners can be a tricky topic. Your current partner might become jealous if you keep too many fond memories. Your partner might wonder if you have anger issues if you discuss them with too much disrespect. Your past relationships can be a difficult part of your life, but if your current relationship is haunted by the ghost of an ex it will become a problem.

Quick Solution: Speak up about what you like or dislike about an ex's behavior, but don't mention the ex. Instead of saying "My ex always cleans up after himself," say "It would be a lot to my heart if you cleaned after yourself."

“I love that you are my person, and I am yours, that whatever door we come to, we will open together.” – A. R. Asher

Here are the signs that your relationship is headed for a breakup and what you can do to stop it.

1. You're always arguing

If you find that you're always arguing with your partner, it's a sign that you're not communicating effectively. It's important to be able to discuss your disagreements without resorting to name-calling or put-downs. If you can't seem to have a productive conversation, it might be time to seek couples counseling.

2. You're not spending time together

If you're not spending time together, it's a sign that your relationship is losing intimacy. It's important to make time for each other, even if it's just going on a date night or taking a weekend trip. If you're not sure how to reconnect, try doing something new together or rediscovering your shared interests.

3. You're not being honest with each other

If you're not being honest with each other, it's a sign that there's a lack of trust in the relationship. It's important to be able to share your thoughts and feelings with each other without feeling like you're being judged. If you're not sure how to rebuild trust, try being more transparent with each other about your thoughts and feelings.

4. You're not respecting each other

If you're not respecting each other, it's a sign that your relationship is based on a lack of mutual respect. It's important.

Some Important Takeaways

1. Avoid contemptuous behavior to prevent your relationship from breaking down.

2. Seek help from a therapist or counselor if you can't seem to stop yourself from behaving contemptuously towards your partner.

3. Try to catch yourself before you say or do something that would communicate contempt, and instead try to express your feelings in a more positive way.

4. Remember that it takes two people to make a relationship work and that you both need to put in the effort to make it successful.

5. Appreciate your partner for who they are, and be grateful for the good times you share together.

Visit my page on marriage and couples counseling to learn more about how I view this type of counseling.

Let's talk soon if you live in New Jersey and want to understand how to become unstuck.

I can be reached by phone at (203) 313-1208 or via email [email protected]

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seeminglyseph · 2 years ago

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I am like.... trying to decide Shrike stuff... because that was what I managed to do today. here are some of my ideas for sprites and variants and stuff. I have definitely also like... kind of wanted to play up the like.... fucked up anti-monster military system in WTNC with it playing into the major character arcs with Shrike and August. (and everyone else involved but it’s my August/OC fanfic I can do what I want.

I can also give everyone as thick of thighs as I want and no one can ever stop me the end.

#seph plays wtnc #shrike the butcher bird #will I ever progress a drawing past the sketch phase again?#who knows #but at least something has become created #timelapse #drawing timelapse #csp timelapse #and ye I trace 3D models why the fuck not????#how do you CHEAT at art?#are you stealing someone else's art or imagery or material? Bad. don't do that #but like people who sell stock photos want you to buy and use them #and 3d models are positioned or posed in your own interpretive way anyways so like #you set up the shot and then you draw it #stop shaming yourself into struggling with something there's a tool for

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celinegabor · 3 years ago

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How To Begin Again [Yes, Even For The 500th Time]!

So, how are those resolutions coming? Yeah, me either. But that’s okay! I’m going to share with you guys how I get myself back on track and back to business as usual.

It’s normal to mess up, slip up, or even quit when beginning something new because well - ITS NEW.

It isn’t anything to feel bad about - let’s talk about how to start fresh.

D I S C O V E R.

This is the very first thing to do. Sometimes, when we don’t stick to a plan or a goal - it is because somewhere deep down we either don’t ACTUALLY want that specific goal OR we don’t have the tools we need to complete it.

Take 30 minutes today with a piece of paper and write down what you think happened. Take your time.

Here are some questions to get you started:

• How does this goal make me feel in my body?

• When did this goal pop into my mind? What influenced it?

• Why do I want this goal? What will I truly gain?

• What kept me from making this goal (& others) a daily habit in my life?

• What would I need to succeed this time and how can I get it?

• What are my fears surrounding this goal? Why?

P R E P A R E.

The next thing you’ll want to do is prepare yourself for success by looking at the answer to your questions above. Let them guide you in your preparation and make a list of everything you’ll need to succeed.

So if your goal is to wake up earlier, maybe you’ll need to put your phone in a separate area away from your bedroom the night before so that you can rest.

You’d pick a place to leave your phone.

Then you’d decide what time you’re going to bed.

T R A N S F O R M.

Thirdly, you’re going to TRANSFORM your spaces to reflect what your goals are. I don’t believe in faking it until you make it because faking it is for people who can’t but YOU can. We aren’t faking it - we’re BEING it.

If your goal is to be more studious - your desk should reflect that. Place your books, pencils, notebooks etc on your desk in a way that peaks your interest. If you want to be a lawyer later in life - try putting a few law knickknacks on your desk!

You are the future you! Become them.

C H E C K - I N

As you begin executing to accomplish your goals. I want you to take a day or two each week to RELAX and to STOP your routine. This is very important. Flexibility in life is necessary for our health.

You need to know that you can RELY on yourself to pick yourself back up again should things be thrown off. The shame around goal setting only exists because we shamed ourselves when we messed up instead of understanding that NOBODY is perfect.

During your days off - reflect on how you’re doing and what’s not working or what you no longer have an interest in.

R E W A R D.

You HAVE to pat yourself on the back for doing well. A lot of us struggle with this because it didn’t happen for us growing up but I’m telling you to celebrate every tiny victory you have.

We work best when we are LOVED so love yourself and applaud yourself often. Sticking to one of your goals really well? Reward yourself with something you like and tell yourself ALOUD that you’re really proud of you.

You’ll be surprised at how much more fun and simple it is to tackle your goals from a place of love rather than from a place of guilt or “falling behind”

S U M M A R Y.

+ question yourself on why it is you want your goals to begin with

+ use your answers to prepare you for success by listing what you’ll need to accomplish them

+ reflect your goals in your spaces with items, pictures, etc that remind you of your goals

+ check in with yourself often: two days of the week let your routine go completely. trust yourself that you can begin again!

+ reward yourself for every little victory.

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yandere-daydreams · 3 years ago

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Title: Healing Touch.

Written for a very lovely anonymous donor.

Pairing: Yandere!Sangonomiya Kokomi x F. Reader (Genshin).

Word Count: 0.7k.

TW: Non/Con, Implied Kidnapping/Imprisonment, Slight Orgasm Denial, and Infantilization.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to leave you alone again, later on.”

Her voice was as sweet and as light as it always was. You could barely feel her fingertips skirting gingerly over your bare stomach, then your chest, pausing briefly to press short, shallow circles into the sensitive space where your diaphragm met your midriff. You opened your mouth, ready to curse her out, but anything you might’ve said was drowned out by a sharp gasp, drawn out of the base of your throat by another sharp thrust, another peck to the side of your throat. She giggled, her laugh like windchimes, like fresh sakura blooms. Like nails scraping against glass, or teeth gnashing against dry bone.

“There’s a celebratory feast tonight, to commemorate the start of this year’s harvest. I’d normally opt not to attend, but it’s being held at the shrine and I'll be expected to bless the soil, if not the seeds and farmers’ tools as well.” She paused, leaning down to kiss the corner of your jaw. “It’s such a shame. I know how lonely you can get while I’m gone, and I hate the thought of not being able to give my precious princess everything she wants.”

You drove your nails into your palms, forced yourself to go as stiff as you were able to. “Go fuck your—”

Immediately, another tendril forced itself past your lips, lodging its bulbed tip behind your teeth and against your tongue. You glowered, glared, but Kokomi only sighed and shook her head. As effected by your anger as she was by anything else – which was to was, not at all.

“Please don’t use that kind of language. It’s not fitting, and there are so many better things to do with a voice as pretty as yours.”

You felt her arm snake around her waist, caught her fingers curling over the catalyst suspended in the corner of your vision, and the tendril that’d been idly pumping into your cunt grew longer, thicker, part of the base separating from the translucent mass and shifting, moving, flattening itself into something more tongue-like, something better fit to lap at your neglected clit and send sharp, hot sparks of pleasure shooting to your core. This seemed to be her favorite way to use her Vision, her hydro manifestations – to get you laid out between her open legs, your wrists bound in front of you and your back slotted against her chest, and see how she could make you twist and writhe, experiment until she found what made you whimper and moan and scream. You could only be thankful that she was busy, today, that she didn’t have time just to sit back and see what she could do to you. She’d go on for hours, sometimes, until you were panting and sobbing, until you were willing to beg her to stop. She liked your desperation, liked seeing you at your breaking point. She liked knowing she was the one who’d pushed you there.

“That’s it, now. Just try to relax.” You didn’t. If anything, you only grew tenser, only made more of an effort to kick and thrash and stop her from getting what she wanted, even if you knew trying to stop her in any meaningful way was a futile pursuit. In response, two more tendrils appeared from nothingness and wrapped around your legs, binding your calves to your thighs and keeping you spread open, exposed, helpless. Still, you tried to struggle, but you only earned a soft coo, a small smile. “You should enjoy this. You would, if you stopped being so stubborn and let me take care of you.”

You tried to yell, but the tendril thrusting into your cunt sped up and all you could manage was a sharp whine of protest, an elbow pushed weakly in the vague direction of her chest. Kokomi didn’t flinch, didn’t budge; she just took you by the chin, tilting your head to the side and pressing her mouth gently against your as her tendril coiled and ground into you and brought you so, so close to—

And stopped, completely. You whimpered through your grit teeth, and Kokomi pulled away, already grinning, already chuckled. “Oh, did you want something?”

You refused to answer. Kokomi laughed, genuinely, this time, blatantly, this time, and with a flick of her wrist, the tendril began to move again, taking up its former pace. The only trace of mercy you could find was in her touch, the feeling of her fingers fanning over your stomach, of her lips on the shell of your ear as she went on.

“If that’s the case, I’ll just have to keep going until you do. Anything to make my princess happy.”

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furiousgoldfish · 3 years ago

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Children will sometimes start to self-damage out of spite. 'Since nobody cares or loves me, I'm going to destroy myself, and it's their fault!' is an easy mindset to adapt to when you are completely helpless to do anything else to stop the abuse, or to get anyone to care about you. And they're not wrong in thinking it's their caretaker's fault, if the child wasn't neglected, emotionally abandoned, abused, ostracized and treated with coldness and contempt, they likely wouldn't feel the urge to self destruct.

The sad part about is that the abusive parents/caretakers only care about self destruct if it's visible and easy to link to them. A child who doesn't eat properly, doesn't sleep properly, doesn't have a healthy support system or a friend group, doesn't process their emotions properly, has self harm scars, eating disorder, anxiety, depression or ptsd, doesn't concern them as long as they get the child to hide it from the world and never blame them, the parent. As far as they care, the child can self destruct into death and they wouldn't blink, because the destruction of the child is their goal as well. If the child does it too, all the more easy it is to blame the child for all of it, and to pretend that the child is just making problems on purpose and being 'difficult' or 'dumb'.

It's impossible for a child to understand so early on, that no matter what kind of damage they inflict, it won't cause guilt or shame in the abusers, but the child will have to live with the damage forever. Any kind of damage children do to themselves, can and often will be permanent or with long-term effects, and will be something that continues to affect their life, while having virtually no affect on the abusers. Sometimes it's self-harm scars that are difficult to hide or explain, sometimes it's chronic illnesses, it can be physical damage that will remind them forever of what they've gone thru, it could be a weakened immune system or an organ getting oversensitive and chronically inflamed from all the stress and pressure and lack of care put on it.

It's all a result of neglect and abuse. Children shouldn't have to figure it out themselves, they shouldn't have to try to struggle and find ways to care for themselves alone so they wouldn't suffer for the rest of their life. Suffering for the rest of life is not a spiteful quest, it's not a revenge or decent proof they've been abused, it's a life circumstance that will make everything harder. It's not fair, and it's not children's fault. Caretakers are responsible for protecting children from any kind of harm, including those children unknowingly put on themselves. Because children have no way of knowing it won't go away. It won't achieve results.

If you're a child reading this, know that self destruction is not a perfect tool of getting back at your abusers. Self love is. Your abusers thrive when you're hurting yourself, but they will get enraged if you believe in yourself, and believe you're worthy of care and love. If you keep faith that you're valuable, you matter, what happens to you is important, your experience matters, your opinion and health and heart all matter – that will be the strongest act of resistance. This is what they're trying their hardest to break in you, and this is something worth protecting, worth fighting for. You do not exist to be dismissed, neglected, hated, or destroyed. You're valuable and unique human being and you deserve the same love like everyone else does. Your body is good and doesn't deserve any damage, in fact, it deserves so much more care than you're getting right now. You deserved the affection and concern and forgiveness and warmth and everything else you need to grow up safely. Nothing about you is worth hatred or punishment. You're good as you are.

#abusive parents #child abuse #neglected child #parental abuse #self harm #inflicting self damage #self destructive behaviour #trying to get attention that you're hurt #i don't exactly regret most of the things i did to myself #but for some i really had no clue what the long term consequences will be #and if i knew #i would have thought twice #but i didn't even think i'd be alive to face the damage so #it is what it is

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myafterlifeisbetterthenyours · 3 years ago

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I'm reading too many fanfics and today I want something more cute than romantic, so I would like Stella with an S/o to be her personal butler who took care of her during her childhood and adolescence (bonus if S/o used to sing to Stella when she was a kid) . obviously the S / o must have a great preparation to be worthy of taking care of the daughter of the parents who were certainly one of the causes of Stella to be like this

Stella's personal Servant and S/O

You had spent years in preparation for when you would meet your mistress.

It was a common practice amongst the nobility.

You take a child from a lower house, train and raising them to become the personal servant to a child from a higher noble family.

You were of lower stock, your family heavily reliant on Stella's family, and being the youngest of your line, you found yourself chosen to be her servant.

Although the agreement basically surrendered one of there own to a life of servitude, it also brought prestige to there household, while also placing one of there own at the right hand of the next head of a powerful household.

Despite your years of training, you were still increadibly nervous upon meeting her, terrified you'd do something wrong and screw it up.

But much to your surprise, she wasn't some terrifying ice queen who could vapourise you with a glare.

She was just a girl. A young, normal looking noble girl. Seemingly not much older than you.

Your meeting was somewhat awkward, you being unsure how you should interact with her outside of the cold formalities you were taught.

Your relationship was an unusual one.

As while, yes you were her servant, you were also expected to be her closest allie and truest friend.

You were expected to take on every burden she had, to carry and guard them to the death.

A concept that hadn't fully registered in your young mind yet, but despite your age, you quickly acclimated to your new responsibilities.

You had, of course, been give training for your new duty, but much of it was learnt in the field.

You found yourself working into a schedule; wake up before her, get clean, have breakfast before waking her up at 7:30 sharp.

From there you would help her dress, something you were quite flustered about the first time around. Then you accompanied her to breakfast, then to her first lesson of the day.

You were often dismissed during her lessons, returning to her room to tidy up, or have her clothes cleaned.

It took time but eventually you were just as capable at cleaning and serving as any veteran servant of the household.

Now, initially Stella was quite... cold towards you. Treating you not much better than any other servant of the home.

But she did eventually warm to you, starting the night you heard her having a nightmare.

Much to her annoyance you had been moved into the room besides her, giving her 24 hour access to you, and you to her.

So you were easily capable of hearing her toss and turn in bed, her whimpers getting louder and louder. Until she awoke, with a scream.

You instantly shot into action, sliding into her room and pulled her into your embrace.

Holding her to your chest, you did your best to sooth her. Barely being a boy yourself you were quite inexperience with such things.

So you did the only thing you could, you sang to her.

You sung her the song your wet nurse used to sing you when you had a bad dream. Holding her for what felt like hours, gently singing to her until she fell back to sleep.

The next morning she insisted you call her Stella, unlike before when she demand the customary 'Lady' or 'Mistress'.

Not long after that she began addressing you by name. The two of you seeming to enter a level of mutual respect.

Similar events would happen several more times during your youth, each time you sang her the same song, holding her close and soothing her.

You brought up the nightmares to her parents, the two seemingly didn't care. Her parents just coldlt telling you 'They were something she needed to get over herself.'

And her parents weren't the warmest family, both her parents seemed obsessed with there appearances, placing politics over the well bing of there own daughter.

So you made her well-being your top priority, always asking if she was OK or if she wanted to talk.

In preparation for you new duties you had already received extensive training in everything from cleaning to first aid.

But as the the two of you grew, you began getting lessons in far more hands on fields.

As you were expected to be her faithful guardian. You were trained in various forms of combat, with everything from knives, to assault rifles.

Followed by several specialised first aid courses, each one dedicated to a different field of medicine.

You excelled through each course, taking the role as both servant and protector as your own.

Despite being younger then your charge, your mentality quickly matured beyond your years, willing and prepared to fight to the death for your charge.

You fully embraced you postion, putting aside everything you were and giving yourself to your new role, absolutely.

As the two of you grew older, you also grew closer and closer. And due to your special status as her personal servant, having less limitations put on you then a regular servant of the house, you could act as more of a friend to the girl. Acting as a trusted confidant for the girls troubles.

As you matured your skills, both physically and mentally, you learned to better dedicat your new skills to what would most efficiently aid your liege.

While you excelled in your training dedicating your self to the task before you, the main problem you faced was, Stella.

It may seem petty, but Stella being of a higher and more powerful cast meant she grew to tower over you by at least a foot.

Something she was sure to rub in your face.

And it may not seem like that big of a deal, but protecting someone much taller then you, was a constant struggle. As they were far more visible then yourself and could be targeted from angles you weren't able to see.

But you did your absolute best, going above and beyond as her steadfast companion, hapily waiting on her hand a foot.

It seemed like a blink if an eye and the beautiful young lady you once served had grown into a beautiful young woman.

And much to your shame, over the years spent together, you had developed a deep affection for her, an affection that went far beyond friendship.

Of course you would never publicly admit such a thing, your years of training alloweing you to keep such your feelings suppressed. Only allowing your affection to show through in what would be expected of a typical platonic relationship.

When Stella came to the age of 17, her parents decided to send her to an academy famous for its education of young noble women.

The problem was, it was an all girls academy. And you being her private servant, and right hand, the two of you could not be sepperated for such a long period of time.

It took a fair bit of political manoeuvring and more then a few favours to get you in, but by the end of it, you found yourself enrolled right besides her.

You were to attend every class as well as share quarters with Stella. You were not to leave her side unless absolutely necessary.

You were far from the only servant to accompany there mistress.

You found a variety of them, from Imps to hellhounds. You even saw a few succubus amongst them.

But the thing that really stood out, was that you were the only male, even amongst the staff.

Initially life at the academy went fantastic.

Stella, with her confident nature and families status thrived at the academy, easily rising the social ranks, making friends and allies.

The whole thing bringing a great sense of warmth to your black heart.

You stood back and proudly watched as she excelled amongst her peers, only having to step in to aid her in her day to day.

But unfortunately, problems did arise. And much to your shame, they were spawned from you.

Now, you had already received a fair amount of attention from the Student; Stares, love letters, lustful gazes. But you were there for Stella, the affects of there attention quickly dissipated as you focused on Stella.

Now you being a fairly attractive young man, in exceptional shape from years of work and being the only male in a school of a few hundred young hormonal women.

But initially, being Stella's servant stopped anyone from pursuing you, as relations with someone below them was punished severely by both the school and there families.

Unfortunately the question of who you were was quickly raised, Stella without much concern or thought, told them all about your special status as both a noble and a servant.

And that's were the problems really began.

You see, sleeping with another family's servant, was an excellent way to get yourself disowned by your family.

But a fling with a servant, whom was also a fellow noble... that could be tolerated.

You were greatly surprised to find just how tolerant the school was of such behaviour.

It would seem that despite there rather strict policy on student/Staff relations, that being pubished severely.

But the school was unwilling to take serious action against noble children for have relations amongst themselves.

It seemed they allowed the students to let out there rebellious phase in small ways, perhaps a method to help make them into proper nobles.

Needless to say, you had never been so happy you were Stella's servant.

You'd heard how some of them talked about you, and if Stella wasn't your mistress, your quite certain you'd be used as a tool for political gain, regardless how you felt about it.

Ironically, you found Stella becoming far more possessive of you, especially whenever someone began to show interest in you.

Now she had always been possessive of you to a degree, snapping at anyone who dared to treat you poorly or acted like you were supposed to serve them, something that happened quite often amongst nobility.

You liked to think it was her way of marking her territory, all the while showing you that she had your back. And with all the attention you were getting, it only made sense for her to be a bit more possessive.

Adding to your growing shame, seeing Stella becoming such a strong, confident woman had only strengthened your feelings for her.

In your mind, you had kept your feeling for Stella perfectly hidden. Only allowing your affection to show, through your friendly and platonic behaviour.

Apparently you were wrong.

Parties were surprisingly common on the school grounds, with a major party seemingly occurring at least once a month.

Stella being ever the socialite, was of course invited. The young lady flirtaciously telling you were invited as well. Following her to the party, you found a small herd of teens sipping wine from plastic cups, talking amongst themselves.

Playing nobility.

It was fun for the most part.

Everyone was dancing and drinking. And much to your surprise Stella was quite lax when it came to alcohol, drinking more than her fair share.

A little tipsy, she found you, demanding you dance with her.

Now you, on the other hand, did not party. You did not drink, you did not fraternise and you most certainly didn't dance.

You were her guardian, you were supposed to watch over her, not get drunk with her in some random dormroom.

But Stella ordered you, not having the will to refuse her, you complied.

You danced and drank and partied. And for the first time in your life, you let yourself he a teenager.

And you enjoyed it. You enjoyed being with Stella.

The mood quickly soured when, as Stella left to get a drink, some random girl grabbed you by the collar and rather aggressively tried to kiss you.

You were able to hold her back of course, even inebriated you were still strong enough to hold back a drunk teenage girl.

You were freaking out, unable to think of what to do, only for Stella to appear and violently rip her off you, beating the crap out of the her right there infront of all the other party goers.

She screamed at the girl, telling her to never touch what belonged to her again. Before without saying a word, grabbing your hand and dragging you out of the party.

She dragged you into a nearby allyway, ranting and raving about how dare someone touch you, you belonged to her and she was sick of having to remind people.

Her words becoming progressively more possessive, you just half drunkenly stumbling your much taller mistress.

Raising the question of her increasingly possessive language, you saw her entire body shift.

Walking up to you, she pressed her body up against yours, effortlessly pinning you to the wall.

It was pointless to struggle, as even with all your training she was still stronger.

With eyes you had never seen before, she stared into your own and asked if you liked her.

You were both shocked and terrified, you were so sure you had been careful.

You sputtered something out, trying to hide your feelings before she cut you off with a passionate kiss.

She held you close as she told you all about how she knew you liked her, about how she knew you always held yourself back.

But she understood why.

You were left stunned when she told you the reason she knew why, was because she'd been doing the same. She confessed she had fallen for you, but like you, she had kept her feeling secret because such a relationshi wouldn't be "proper"!

But she didn't care anymore.

She was sick of keeping her feelings for you a secret, sick of watching other women get to speak and act freely while she was forced to hold her tongue.

She wanted you and she was going to have you, no matter what anyone thought.

She dragged you back to your dormroom, although it was more like a small apartment before dragging you to her bed.

Sitting above you she asked if you wanted this, unable to think of the right words you just gave her another passionate kiss.

The two of you spent the night together.

Your relationship was kept a secret for the rest of her time in the academy. The two of you agreeing it would be best and with Your position already giving you the best possible excuse to be close together.

Once you both graduated, Stella's parents tried to have an arranged marriage set up for her, hoping to achieve greater prestige for the family.

But much to your surprise, she blatantly refused.

Instead she using her new-found political connections and usurped her parents, taking the family name and the role of head of household as her own.

Her first act, openly declaring your relationship.

You were deeply relieved the outcry was very minimal, contained to only a few already outspoke critics that apposing her anyways.

And so you stood by her ever since. As bother her loyal protector and faithful lover.

Hey hey, this one was a challenge, but I still enjoyed it. If any of you have a request or want to submit a prompt, go right ahead. Check out my master list for what I won't write and go for it. Thank you all for reading.

#helluva boss headcanon #helluva boss #headcanon #x reader #helluva boss x reader #helluva stella #stella #stella x reader

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oliviayamaoka · 4 years ago

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The Distraction (Danny Johnson / Jed Olsen / Ghostface x Reader)

Y/N encounters Ghostface, a snarky and creepy silent killer. However, he isn’t as silent as he is made out to be when you hit him with your toolbox in defense. To stall time for your survival and the progression of other generators, you decide to humor him and distract him for a long amount of time for the others.

Possible Warning: Sexual tension, slight blood, slight violence, and Danny having perverted thoughts (up to your interpretation on what he’s thinking)

You slowly vaulted over a wooden structure within Autohaven Wreckers. The green atmosphere felt very chilling and eerie, you didn’t like doing your trials in this realm. Your eyes averted to an untouched generator. Thank the Entity you didn’t hear a chainsaw revving or the menacing lullaby sung by the Huntress. Y/N kneeled down and began to work on the generator, putting their toolbox to the side. Who knew you’d become a mechanic of some sort within the Fog.

“Shit.” You mumble as you cut your arm slightly on something within it. For a moment you had considered using your toolbox but it was better to just save it for another time.

Y/N sighed and pulled down a lever before reattaching some wires. The generators always confused you. Not in a way where you didn’t know how to fix them but how the hell did they power up the exit gates? Oh well, it didn’t matter at that point. You were forced to do this by a literal god.

You suddenly gasped when you felt a firm grip pry you away from your generator. It must’ve been the killer. Y/N aggressively fought back and wiggled with desperate grunts and yells. You somehow managed to escape his grip, how the hell didn’t you hear him? You shoved him away but he grabbed your wrist tightly.

“Let go!” You yelled, hitting him as hard as you could since he seemed to have dropped his knife. You recognized the killer as Ghostface. He didn’t seem to think that you’d be able to get away the first time. Y/N’s eyes widened in shock and curiosity when she heard him darkly chuckle in amusement

“You’re like that bastard King.” He said to you as you both struggled. David was always verbal when ”fighting” the killers. He grunted as you kicked at his thigh, desperately trying to rip your arm away from him.

“Since when did you start talking?” You asked him, humoring him in pure panic. Ghostface was a bit thrown off that you even responded instead of screaming at the top of your lungs. In fact, he doesn’t recall anybody saying anything back to him other than David King or Yui Kimura saying something snarky after a successful vault.

“You’d be surprised--agh!” He grunted as you smashed your toolbox into his face as hard as you could. This definitely threw him off since it hurt just as much as the pallet stuns did. Was that even allowed? He adjusted his mask to keep it from falling off. His chin sure as hell hurt.

“Sorry.” Y/N said to him almost immediately, stopping for a moment. You weren’t sure why you felt sorry for the bastard in that moment. You once did something similar with the Trapper when he accidentally stepped in his own trap, there was a moment of silence between the two of you as you both stared.

“What do you mean sorry?!” He asked you angrily but he didn’t lunge or hit you. He seemed just as confused and caught up in the moment as you. You threw your arms up in defense, it was a psychological thing.

“It was instinctual! What was I supposed to do, let you stab and hook me?” You said to him as he stood up. Ghostface was much taller up close, it was strange.

“Well, yeah. You’re only supposed to fucken wiggle or try get off of the hook. It said those were the rules.” He argued as you turned your head to the side in disbelief at his behavior.

“Since when did you start abiding by the rules? Aren’t you supposed to be a serial killer or something?” Y/N questioned him.

“Uhhh, since that thing started torturing the other people who got trapped here. You think I wanna look like that fuckface with the chainsaw?” He said aggressively but you didn’t seem to back down at all. He was referring to the Hillbilly.

“He already looked like that, dumbass.” You say to him as he paused.

“Oh.” Ghostface responded before shaking his head to knock some sense into himself and began to try grab your wrist again. he tugged you closer when he did rather aggressively.

“What the fuck am I doing arguing with my prey.” He muttered as you pulled away again, taking a few steps back.

Ghostface, from your observation, was easily confused when talking to people. You figured it was normal since, well, when the hell did a psycho like him have time to talk to people? You recalled a conversation with Ace when you were upset due to one of your first trials. He had been previously married and referred to himself as a ladykiller, humoring the idea of trying to flirt with the Huntress. He was a wise dude despite being on the run from guys he owed money to, overall he made a good replacement father figure for a moment.

Clearly it was a bad idea but maybe instead of getting hooked or hurt, you could do what Ace jokingly suggested. It’d also be a funny story to tell some of your friends when this trial was over but it was scary thinking this could make him even more mad or aggressive. Oh, well, anything not to go through the pain again.

“Has anybody ever told you you’re handsome?” You asked, cringing at yourself for such a poor choice of wording.

“You don’t even know how I look.” He said, somewhat annoyed but loosened his grip slightly as you put your hand softly over his.

“That doesn’t matter. I feel like we could get to know eachother. I’m Y/N, by the way.” You say to him as he stopped completely, baffled even.

“What?” He asked in confusion.

“Think about it, if we have a nice little chat then I’m sure the Entity wouldn’t mind. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve been curious about your artwork. Or I guess you can say photography. I’m sure you have a collection.” You said.

“Right, like a puny thing like you would even understand what I do.” Ghostface said to you, crossing his arms. Admittedly, he seemed to slowly forget his objective when he began to even talk to you. Even he didn’t know why he kept responding to you.

“A puny thing like me? Oh, please. I’ve seen my fair share of blood and gore on the internet. I bet your photos wouldn’t even make me budge.” Y/N said.

“Really, now? I have a collection of photos of you and your little friends.” He said, getting rather defensive. Such a fragile ego, you thought.

“Oh, so you take photos of me?” You asked, pulling him closer. He seemed to freeze up when he was inches away from your face. Despite wearing the mask, he felt vulnerable. Why? You were just a survivor meant to be slaughtered.

“I don’t mean it like that.” He said firmly, although, it wouldn’t be a bad idea since you were rather attractive to him. Both physically and personality-wise. The thought amused him but he shook his head slightly.

“Shame. I could’ve offered you a special photoshoot.” Y/N said, enjoying getting into character at this point since all the generators should be done soon.

“A what?” He said, finally flustered. You couldn’t blame him. A survivor was practically seducing him. A part of him wanted to give in since he already wasted so much time just talking to you. There were, of course, other needs he needed satisfied. The idea of him showing no mercy on you got him hot and bothered.

“A special photoshoot. Just me and you, uhh... Ghostface?” You said to him, resting your eyes.

“It’s Danny--I mean, Jed.” He said to you. You raised your eyebrows in surprise that he even told you his name, you could even swear your cheeks warmed up for a second. No. no, you thought. Do not get distracted.

“Jed, huh? Sounds easy to yell.” You responded with a smirk.

At this point, Ghostface decided he definitely wanted you. He quickly gave into his desire since he had his own desires and fantasies he wanted to put at ease. Plus, a survivor like you giving yourself to him? It sounded too good to be true in his own dirty, messed up standards. He silently smirked behind his mask. Hooking and killing wasn’t the only way he wanted to hurt you now. He saw this as a way to properly get back at you for hitting him with your toolbox.

What did you get yourself into, he thought menacingly. Unbeknownst to him, you were already one step ahead of him. Ghostface wrapped his hands around your waist and brought you closer to him. Y/N froze for a moment but brushed her knee against his upper thigh in a rather suggestive manner. She didn’t think it would work yet it did.

“So, when do you want to do this, baby?” He asked you in a lower tone. You felt your cheeks flush and your heartrate beginning to increase but you had to stand your ground for a few more seconds. You looked away for a moment with an unimpressed stare.

“You’re such a gentlemen.” You said sarcastically, pushing away from him by his chest. The feeling of his leather and fabric was firm, you kinda liked that.

“Now what?” He asked in frustration. Your eyes averted towards the tools spread out on the ground from the box. Y/N came up with an idea.

“Pick my stuff up for me and maybe we can do something... quick.” You said, tugging your shirt downwards suggestively.

“Okay, okay. Fine.” Ghostface responded to you sarcastically.

He turned to look at the tools on the ground. Kneeling down, he set the toolbox upright and began to put the tools back. Ghostface found it interesting how such small tools can play a big part in fixing the generators faster. He’d be pissed off if some random fucker like the Clown came and busted it up after long, hard work. You watched him actually do as you asked. It was somewhat heartwarming. No, actually, it wasn’t. You didn’t wanna catch feelings for him.

Y/N looked around, inhaling quietly. He seemed focused on picking up the smaller tools. You weren’t sure when to make your move. Suddenly, a horn blasted. A feeling of relief washed through your body. His head popped up as you quickly sprinted away from him. Ghostface whipped his head around.

“Shit, fuck...!” He muttered. It was at this point where he realized what you did. He felt angry at himself for giving into his urges instead of just hooking you and killing you and your little friends. Ghostface smashed your toolbox against the generator in anger.

Standing up, he put his knife away. Despite being furious, he still found you attractive and confident for even trying that with him. It fueled a different urge within him. Oh, he would definitely make you pay. Not from the hooks, of course. He smirked at the idea of it and began to walk off to the other door once he began to calm down.

Y/N, he thought.

#ghostface #ghostface x reader #danny johnson #jed olsen #jed olsen x reader #danny johnson x reader #dead by daylight fanfic #dead by daylight #dead by daylight x reader #dbd x reader

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elfwoodfae · 3 years ago

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“Complications”

Summary: After finding out by accident Dr.Wells’ secret, your relationship with him gets complicated as he doesn’t let anyone else close to you while you work a project for him.

Author‘s note: please if you are a minor don’t read. This piece contains smut. Do not read if you are under 18. This is the first piece of smut I write and publish, please be kind but criticism is always welcome. Feel free to reblog if you like, just don’t claim as your own please. Also tumblr is being weird and not letting me edit the space in between paragraphs better so sorry for that. Credits for the gif to the owner, I found it on Google and just cropped it.

Warning: Smut.

It had been an accident really. How you found out about his secret. A simple error in his calculations. It was a Wednesday night, the whole team had left by then, or at least he thought they had. He hasn’t counted on you coming back for something and as quiet as you were, it was no surprise when you caught him opening the time vault to come out of there, walking non the less.

There you stood, mouth opening and closing like a little fish, he hasn’t see you yet, but as fate had it the tool you were holding fell to the floor, making a loud noise. Turning his head around at a speed that had to for sure had given him a wishsplash he stared at you. Tilting his neck a little he moved in your direction with the beginning of a smirk forming in his lips. He wasn’t worried. He would get rid off you if he needed to keep his secret safe. Once he was in front of you you finally reacted, closed your mouth only to open it a second later.

“Why?” Was the only word that came out of your mouth. You couldn’t understand why would he lie. He raised an eyebrow as he approached you even more.

“You will need to specify a little more in your question y/n, why what?” It was easy to see he was thinking what to do with you after you had found out about him.

“Why would you lie about being able to walk Dr.Wells? And why were you coming out of that room in the wall? Do the others know about that room? What are you hiding?”

“I said specify, not add three more questions y/n, but to answer you, I lied because is in my convenience for the rest of the team to believe I’m, and that room in the wall is my time vault, as to what I’m hiding well there’s no point in denying it to you as you have already interrupted my plan. Your help was something I need and was counting on but not for it to happen this soon.” Your eyes widened as his hand came up to your eye level and started to vibrate.

“Is you isn’t it? You are the man in yellow , the ones we have been trying to catch!” Your lip started quivering, from fear and rage. This man who you all had trusted and confided in was the very same nightmare you and the rest had been trying to fight. Of course he was always one step ahead.

“Yes, is me” he replied in a whisper, his voice low and husky. “And now if you want your heart to keep beating, you will do exactly as I say” he lowered his hand closer to your chest, making you tremble in fear thinking this was it.

“I need you to build for me a tachyon enhancer,” he continued. “And I need you to keep this” he signaled with his free hand in between you and him “our secret, don’t think for a moment I won’t know if you try to tell the others, I’m after all always one step ahead.” With a flick of his wrist his hand stopped vibrating and as he moved to the side you made your way out of the lab still in shock. As the elevator doors were about to close you heard him wish you a goodnight, but you were too shocked to be able to process any of what was happening.

That incident had been a week ago and every second of the day you were on edge, always nervous whenever he was around and you were sure the rest of them were catching on that something was wrong with you.

You were working in your work station, a small lab a little away from the cortex, the tachyon enhancer he wanted was in process and as you twisted and secured a few of the screws you turned around completely oblivious to the world as your headphones were on your ears. The moment you turned around your hand flew to your chest as a mini heart attack threaten to appear as you came face to face with Dr.Wells.

“Jesus don’t do that!” You exclaimed, yanking the headphones out of your ears. He only stared at you waiting for your breathing to regulate before speaking.

“How’s our little project coming along?”

“I am working on it as fast as I can without raising questions from Cisco when he passes by, if I spend all the time here on it they are bound to grow suspicious.” He nodded and wheeled himself out of your lab. You had been thinking all day and night in how could you let Barry know what was going on, how to tell him who Wells really was without the man realizing it and ending your life in the process.

As if by a miracle Cisco came up with the idea that you all should go out for drinks, Barry would invite Iris and it would be the perfect opportunity to be out and talk to him without looking suspicious as all of you went out for drinks every once in a while. In there without being too obvious maybe you would be able to get Barry alone and speak to him.

“I need a drink or ten” you commented to Caitlyn as you all made your way to the elevators.

“Alright so Barry will pickup Iris and Caitlyn will pick you and then me and we meet at the bar” commented Cisco turning around and pointing at us.

“That sounds perfect to me” You said as you tried to give him the most genuine smile you could muster given the past few days.

Once alone in your apartment you started to get ready and think about what this past couple of days had been, how fast your life had taken a turn, you felt dirty, you wanted to tell them so much what had been happening but you couldn’t, not without risking a hand going through your chest. Just thinking about it made a hole open in your stomach. What you needed was a good night of drinks and some fun if a candidate appeared, you told yourself . Picking a dress a little too short and some high heels, you let your hair loose and run down your back. As you grabbed your bag and made your way to the door to greet Caity and Cisco your phone rang with a message.

“Don’t even think for a moment I won’t know if you so much as try to tell them.” You didn’t need to read the number to know who the message was from and dread filled you as you looked around in fear trying to spot him somewhere, hiding in the shadows. You jumped as Cisco knocked loudly on the door and called for you to hurry up.

The night had been promising, the bar was full and the music loud. Drink after drink seemed like the only solution tonight. Dancing and talking with your friends you started to relax a little bit more, your plan to tell them long forgotten since that message.

Around midnight you spotted a guy who caught your attention and as you made conversation with him you realized this is the distraction you were looking for. Walking over to the team you informed them you would leave with a friend and to not worry if anything were to happen you would let them know instantly. As you made it to the door of your building said stranger was kissing you, as you smiled in the kiss and and played with his hair his hand was running up against your thigh, the kiss deepened as you struggled with the key to open the door and in the moment you finally opened it and were about to pull him inside in a gush of wind and lightning he disappeared. Shock and rage filled you as you banged your forehead against the door and closed your eyes to take a breath. You knew who had done it, and to confirm your suspicions the moment you opened your eyes you were met with a pair of red glowing ones and a distorted face in a yellow suit. But as you were about to open your mouth to give him a piece of your mind he disappeared.

The next day at the lab Caitlyn asked you how it had been with your friend and you sadly had to tell her that something had come up and he had to leave.

“What a shame, he was cute, maybe you will see him again” she commented, trying to cheer you up.

“Yeah he was really cute,” you said “and who knows yeah I probably will see him again” you said making sure to glare daggers at Harrison, who was looking over at you two from the hallway that connected to the cortex.

“ Miss l/n a word please?” He asked in that tone that made everyone believe he was just worried or looking out for all of you. Getting up you walked after him, following to the lab farther away from the cortex, where no one was sure to listen or walk in by accident. As you got there, you used the little courage you had left to confront him.

“What was that last night?!” “What is it to you who I take him?” You questioned him, crossing your arms over your chest. He rubbed two fingers over his lips and stared at you with those piercing eyes that felt as if they could look inside your soul and as he lowered his hand he got up from his chair, towering over you, making you feel small and reminding you how intimidating he could be. He walked over to you in slow long strides, moving his arms to rest each one next to your body, caging you in in between the desk and himself.

“I don’t like distractions in my plans” his voice was low almost a whisper, “have we met in different circumstances it would had probably even been fun” he said. You could only look at him, and it could be the adrenaline of the moment or his close proximity but you found yourself feeling a low tingle in your stomach and the temperature of your body rise to the sky. It wasn’t a lie that he was attractive and smelled in a way that made you want to bury your noise in his neck. Your body betrayed you as you felt heat pool in between your legs and tried to focus your attention on him, only to realize that you haven’t heard a single word of what he had said and only catches the phrase “adhere to the plan.” And with that he pulled back away from you and sat back on the chair.

That night you couldn’t sleep. Your mind kept playing that moment over and over again. His voice, so close to your face, his lips, the way he moved, so dominating and confident, knowing he had the upper hand , that he had power over you, and his smell. The way he smelled, musky and clean. It was intoxicating and you wondered how you had never smelled him before.

After that incident you haven’t been able to be alone with him without thinking about it, or going as far as to imagine what would it feel like if he kissed you. You had a feeling he was a dominant man in bed. Your eyes widened as you realized just what you had been thinking about and realizing you needed a distraction you stopped your work on his tachyon enhancer and went to collect your things to leave a little earlier, taking advantage that he was nowhere to be seen, probably hiding in his room in the wall or hole in the wall as you called it.

Tonight was the night you would finally have some fun. Dressed in a very sexy black silky dress you decided to find some place to clear your mind with and after a few drinks and some luck maybe find some company too.

A few too many drinks you found yourself a little drunk but with the perfect company of a guy you had been talking to for the past half hour and making your way to your apartment everything seemed to be going smoothly. But as fate had it, in the moment you both made it through the door and he started kissing you and moving his hands to the zipper of your dress, in a fit of lighting he was gone, once again, another man with who you were about to have fun with was gone, and of course in his place was the man in the yellow suit. With the liquid courage so many drinks had given you, you pointed your finger at him.

“What is your problem!!” You attempted to smack him chest with your close fist. “What is it to you! Why do you care who I sleep with?” You screamed at him, tired of his constant interruptions. Grabbing your hand and in the blink of an eye he had you against the wall. His mask was pulled down and his red eyes stared at you. Your breath caught in your throat at his proximity and the position he had you in. “As I told you, I don’t like distractions, and you are becoming one big one, I also don’t like sharing, if I cannot have you, then nobody can” he said, his voice deep and distorted.

It took a second for your brain to process what he was saying and in between the alcohol in your system and his presence you started to blush, your mouth was semi open, unable to said anything.

Slowly he moved closer to you and as you closed your eyes his lips crashed into yours. His kiss was dominating, passionate, it made your knees tremble and your hand instinctively moved to his hair. One of his arms moved to the wall next to your head as the other came to rest in your waist. The kiss deepened, his tongue intrusively moved inside your mouth and you moaned into the kiss which only served to spur him on as he squeezed your waist and moved the hand on the wall and buried his fingers in your hair, keeping you in place.

He broke away, only to start kissing along your jaw down to your neck, moving lower he found that sensitive spot in between your neck and shoulder and when your head moved back and you pulled his hair at the pleasure, he made sure to suck on your skin and bite into it, gaining a long moan out of you.

“Which way is your room?” He asked in between kisses, his voice low and husky, as he lifted both your legs and you wrapped them around him. “Second door to the right” you said breathlessly as he sped you both away into it. Kneeling down on the bed he started to caress your thigh moving up to grab the bottom of your dress and lift it over your head, leaving you naked to him. You shivered and as he kissed his way down your shoulders and chest his hand came up your sides grazing the curve of your breast. Your hands played with his hair as you tried to feel if there was a zipper or a way to get him out of the suit.

Laying you back he phased himself out of the suit, moving his hands to your hair to hold you in place he kissed you passionately as he devoured your mouth your hands caressed all over him, feeling his skin, his toned arms, the curve of his shoulders and the way his back muscle flexed at the effort of holding himself over you. His hand moved up and down your thigh and as it got close to your butt cheek he moved his thumb slowly around the inside of your thigh right where it met the curve of your ass, feeling how warm and hot you were for him. The moment his thumb went over your entrance you moaned hard into his mouth. Breaking the kiss he held your hands over your head with one hand and started kissing down your neck to your breast, marking the soft skin of your breast, sucking and leaving small bites in it, making you squirm under him.

His other hand worked around your entrance, yanking down your underwear he ran a finger over, feeling your wetness and groaning at the feeling of your heat. Vibrating his thumb he moved over your clit, making you cry out in pleasure as one finger eased his way into you, and as he increased the speed added a second finger, stretching you, making you moan and arch your back as you tried to break your hands free.

Once out of his grip your hands went to his hair as you pulled him up to kiss you again, his eyes bore into yours, as he fingered you, watching you squirm and close your eyes at the pleasure. Your hand ran down his stomach, feeling his muscles, trying to get to his boxers and touch him.

That’s when it hit him how far he had allowed himself to let this go, you were a distraction to his plan, he was putting all of his work in danger for this, but he had been alone for so long, for fifteen years he had missed the touch of someone else, he was letting his rational size take control once again, he couldn’t allow this to go any farther, but as soon as your hand grasped his cock he knew all though process went out the window, he was impossibly hard and the second you stroke him down he had to bury his face in your neck to conceal a moan that was threatening to escape, he couldn’t hold on too much longer, it had been too long for him and the only thought in his head was how desperately he needed to be buried balls deep inside of you. He started to vibrate the fingers inside of you and you started to feel your orgasm get closer, as he vibrates his thumb faster your eyes rolled back and you moaned hard under him, pulling at the nape of his neck and scratching his shoulder. If coming over his fingers had felt this good you couldn’t wait for what coming over his cock would feel like.

Looking into your eyes he waited a second for you to look at him and decide if you wanted him to stop, he honestly thought you would realize what you were doing by now and demand him to leave, but instead you grabbed his face and kissed him hard while you struggled to take his boxers off, once his cock was free, you moved your hips against his, feeling his tip slide in between your folds, making you moan into the kiss, grabbing your waist , he hid his face in your neck, bitting down on you as he started to push his cock into you.

Groaning at the sensation of your wet walls squeezing him and for a second he forgot all about his plan, all about everything as the feeling of being inside of you consumed him.

Thrusting slowly into you he started to move. Making you moan in pleasure and grabbing his shoulders, scratching his back at the feeling of him bottoming out into you. His hand moved to your thigh, moving it over his hip, making you wrap it around him, giving him a better angle to go deeper, hitting that spot inside that made your eyes roll back and your back arch. Enjoying your reaction he kept hitting at that angle, loving the feeling of you squirming under him, in a moaning mess, sweat grazing your forehead as you tried to beg him to go faster. He knew what you wanted, but he enjoyed watching you try to form words to ask him for it.

“Move… move faster please” you begged him in between thrusts. He only moaned in response and started to move his hand down your abdomen, vibrating his fingers over your clit and speeding up his thrusts. You felt yourself clinging to his shoulders and scratching his back at the pleasure, your walls started tighten around him, squeezing him as you started to come, taking in a breath and squeezing your eyes shot as your orgasm came over you, coming around him was an addicting feeling, his cock moving in and out of you, hitting that spot in you while you came was too much for you as you moaned hard in the air, it felt like a shock, like electricity pumping through your veins, it was a feeling you never wanted to end. His trust became erratic, he was close, he bit down your shoulder hard enough to leave a mark as he came deep inside of you, enjoying every second of it, it had been literal centuries since the last time he had done this, and the feeling was excruciating.

Giving you a few seconds to breathe and come down from your high he kept his face in your neck breathing into your hair calming his breathing. Lifting himself off of you he saw the sloppy smile playing on your lips, your pupils dilated as you looked at him, cheeks flushes from the alcohol and effort. He doubted you would remember much in the morning. He hoped this wouldn’t complicate things. But he was sure he would have to do something about it if it interfered with his plan.

Slowly he moved out of you, as you turned into your side, too tired to think now, slowly drifting into sleep. He sped around the room getting into his suit and making his way back to the lab, he needed to think and check with Guideon that the article hadn’t changed.

The next morning you woke up with a raging headache, looking around slowly you notice a bottles of pills in your nightstand and a glass of water. You wondered how much exactly did you he to drink last night. Rubbing your forehead with your hands it took exactly 5 seconds and a sticky feeling in between your legs for you brain to catch up with what had happened last night and as a dread feeling came over you, you wondered how could you go back to the labs and face him. Not only him but the rest of the team now that you had literally slept with the enemy, and the worst part is that you didn’t regret how good it had felt to have him deep inside of you.

@mintchipcupcake @nellethiel-aranel @saltykidcreation

#the flash smut #the flash imagines #harrison wells fanfiction #harrison wells x reader #smut #eobard thawne smut #eobard thawne fanfic #eowells x reader #eowells fanfic #harrison wells fanfic #eobard thawne x reader #the flash x reader #harrison wells x y/n

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kl125 · 2 years ago

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Which season of ST has been your favourite and why? 😊

Definitely Season Four. I always love when characters get a chance at introspection, because it deepens our understanding of them. We start to put the pieces together of why they do certain things and act a certain way. More under the cut!

One of the main themes this season was trauma. What have these characters gone through to get them to this point, and how has that affected their psyche? Not every character got a full deep dive, as a show only has so much time, but what we did see was fabulous! I want to focus on Hopper, El, Max, Mike, Will, and Lucas, because those arcs connect in rather compelling way.

(Keep in mind, these are snippets, and it’s my reading of what’s happening, so I understand that important elements could be missed or left out or interpreted a different way.)

Hopper feels incapable of creating lasting bonds with people, so he pushes everyone away to prevent the inevitable heartbreak. Better to stop something before it starts, than to let it ultimately destroy everyone involved.

El feels like a monster, and who could ever love a monster? She questions if she’s worthy of everything she’s found since escaping the lab (family, friends, a home, a sense of belonging, love). Is she the superhero, or the supervillain? Is she like Mama, or like Papa? Or worse, is she like Henry?

Max feels guilty for wishing death upon Billy, as it lead to a breakdown of her home life, and she sees the cruelty of this desire and connects it to the same cruelty she saw in Billy. Instead of sharing her burdens, she cuts herself off to protect her friends from discovering this shame, preserving the positive image they currently have of her.

Mike feels inadequate among his circle of friends, and he’s lost his sense of self. There’s artistic Will, strategic Max, courageous Lucas, intelligent Dustin, and powerful El. He wonders where he fits in this dynamic. He used to be the compassionate leader, but is this role even needed? And if it’s not, will that lead his most treasured people in his life to abandon him?

Will feels like a mistake. His experiences (the Upside Down and the Mind Flayer) coupled with his identity issues make him wonder if his friends and family would even care if he’s gone. He worries that the six months apart have created a rift so deep, there’s nothing left to do but get lost in it.

Lucas feels like he’s blinded himself to his friend’s struggles (namely Max) in his pursuit for normalcy in a very abnormal world. He’s grown resentful of his nerdy side, but rather than reconcile his opposing personalities, he rejects the one he sees as weak, at the cost of alienating his friends and himself.

These are all very brief overviews, but the important part is that they have a well-defined arc. They start with all of this lingering insecurity, but by the end, they resolve these issues and begin piecing themselves back together. It’s a beautiful story about isolation, represented physically by the different locations, and the power of acceptance, not just of the people around you, but of yourself.

As for my feelings on the other seasons, they are as follows.

Season One is absolutely perfect. It’s one of the best seasons of television, in my humble opinion. The characters each have distinct personalities and individual motivations with clearly defined arcs. The story is compelling, drawing on just enough nostalgia to make it feel familiar, while also making sure it still feels fresh and original. The synth-driven score and muted color palette enhance the tone of mystery, and the cinematography is gorgeous. It would have worked perfectly as a limited series, as originally intended, however because we now have three more seasons, I view that one with the thought, “The best is yet to come.”

With Season Two, it felt like a tool to setup plot points that wouldn’t pay off until later seasons, so some things feel incomplete. A great example is Max’s arc. She has a very gradual journey through the story, and it’s entirely purposeful, but because the climax comes in Season Four, everything we see in Season Two contains an air of “what’s hiding under the surface?” As for other elements, it’s very tonally similar to Season One. They’re moving away from childhood innocence, and preparing for more mature themes to come. If Season Four is the season they lose, then Season Two is the season they win. By the end, their lives are tied up in a neat little bow, but the Upside Down is still out there.

While I enjoyed Season Three, it was a major departure from the first two seasons. It felt like it was trying to be a both a romantic comedy and a self-contained mystery amidst a larger-than-life blockbuster, and it didn’t quite hit the mark on any of them. The jarring tonal shifts took many people out of the story, and it left us confused as to what they were trying to accomplish.

Season Four felt like a course correction, and a successful one at that. The Duffers took the time to ask, “What makes Stranger Things unique?” Boy, did they nail it. It’s the people. Their inner struggles, manifested as otherworldly monsters, push them through the mystery each season. We needed a reminder of why we root for these unlikely heroes.

The best decision was making Vecna a largely practical effect, like the Demogorgan in Season One. The Mind Flayer worked in Season Two, because Noah’s performance grounded the experience. We only got glimpses of its real form. However, Season Three made the monster unrealistic basing it entirely on CGI. The VFX is phenomenal, but it’s hard to imagine them fighting this iteration of the Mind Flayer. It’s not that CGI can’t make a compelling monster, but the show has spent so much time building up the realistic parts of the mystery, that an entirely fake opponent didn’t mesh well with the dynamic. With Vecna, not only is he a real person (the absolutely fantastic Jamie), but his MO is internal. He weaponizes people’s trauma, breaking them down until there’s nothing left.

Another great thing they did was make the characters fail. They were right in calling this the Empire Strikes Back season. Towards the end of that movie, Luke sees a vision of Han and Leia in danger, prompting him to abandon his training with Yoda on Dagobah, but he was not ready. El visits the void and learns of the Hawkins Crew’s imminent battle with Vecna, abandoning her training with Papa in Nevada, but she was not ready. Han gets encased in carbonite while Max ends up in a coma. Luke loses his hand, while El loses her hair. These characters may have survived their battle, but can they fix what has been broken and defeat evil once and for all?

Not to mention, the cinematography is positively stunning, and the score elevates everything to a whole new level. I love how they mix traditional orchestral instruments with their usual synth-based sound. The scene between El and Papa in Chapter Eight and the last shot of the show are my favorite moments by far. Everything comes together so majestically.

(On a more selfish note: this season had a shoutout to WarGames, which is my favorite 80s movie, and they drew a lot of inspiration from it. Hearing the original score from the movie made me so happy!)

There’s a lot more I love about this season, and I know I didn’t talk about every character, but this is already getting a little long, so I’ll stop here. If people want to know my feelings about a particular part of the season, my ask box is open! Thanks for the question!

#my post #stranger things #stranger things 4 #asks #thatgirlwithasquid #mike wheeler #netflix #eleven #jim hopper #max mayfield #will byers #lucas sinclair #el hopper

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