#stop condoning abusers' actions and putting them into relationships with their victims please

[kevinday02]

so when are we gonna stop acting like riko’s a good person

[thecomicsnexus]

V FOR VENDETTA MARCH 1981 - MAY 1989 BY ALAN MOORE, DAVID LLOYD, TONY WARE, STEVE WHITAKER, SIOBAHN DODDS

SYNOPSIS (FROM WIKIPEDIA)

Book 1: Europe After the Reign On Guy Fawkes Night in London in 1997, a financially desperate 16-year-old, Evey Hammond, sexually solicits men who are actually members of the state secret police, called "The Finger". Preparing to rape and kill her, the Fingermen are dispatched by V, a cloaked anarchist wearing a mask, who later remotely detonates explosives at the Houses of Parliament before bringing Evey to his contraband-filled underground lair, the "Shadow Gallery". Evey tells V her life story, which reveals her own past as well as England's recent history. During a dispute over Poland in the late 1980s the Soviet Union and the United States, under the presidency of Ted Kennedy, entered a global nuclear war which left continental Europe and Africa uninhabitable. Although Britain itself was not bombed due to the Labour government's decision to remove American nuclear missiles, it faced environmental devastation and famine due to the nuclear winter. After a period of lawlessness in which Evey's mother died, the remaining corporations and fascist groups would take over England and form a new totalitarian government, Norsefire. Evey's father, a former socialist, would be arrested by the regime.

Meanwhile, Eric Finch, a veteran detective in charge of the regular police force—"the Nose"—begins investigating V's terrorist activities. Finch often communicates with Norsefire's other intelligence departments, including "the Finger," led by Derek Almond, and "the Head," embodied by Adam Susan: the reclusive government Leader, who obsessively oversees the government's Fate computer system. Finch's case thickens when V kidnaps Lewis Prothero, a propaganda-broadcasting radio personality, and drives him into a mental breakdown by forcing him to relive his actions as the commander of a "resettlement" camp near Larkhill with his treasured doll collection as inmates. Evey agrees to help V with his next assassination by disguising herself as a child prostitute to infiltrate the home of Bishop Anthony Lilliman, a paedophile priest, who V forces to commit suicide by eating a poisoned communion wafer. He prepares to murder Dr. Delia Surridge, a medical researcher who once had a romance with Finch. Finch suddenly discovers the connection among V's three targets: they all used to work at Larkhill. That night, V kills both Almond and Surridge, but Surridge has left a diary revealing that V—a former inmate and victim of Surridge's cruel medical experiments—was able to destroy and flee the camp, and is now eliminating the camp's former officers for what they did. Finch reports these findings to Susan, and suspects that this vendetta may actually be a cover for V, who, he worries, may be plotting an even bigger terrorist attack.

Book 2: This Vicious Cabaret Four months later, V breaks into Jordan Tower, the home of Norsefire's propaganda department, "the Mouth"—led by Roger Dascombe—to broadcast a speech that calls on the people to resist the government. V escapes using an elaborate diversion that results in Dascombe's death. Finch is soon introduced to Peter Creedy, the new head of the Finger, who provokes Finch to strike him and thus get sent on a forced vacation. All this time, Evey has moved on with her life, becoming romantically involved with a much older man named Gordon. Evey and Gordon unknowingly cross paths with Rose Almond, the widow of the recently killed Derek. After Derek's death, Rose reluctantly began a relationship with Dascombe, but now, with both of her lovers murdered, she is forced to perform demoralizing burlesque work, increasing her hatred of the unsupportive government.

When a Scottish gangster named Ally Harper murders Gordon, a vengeful Evey interrupts a meeting between Harper and Creedy, the latter of whom is buying the support of Harper's thugs in preparation for a coup d'état. Evey attempts to shoot Harper, but is suddenly abducted and then imprisoned. Amidst interrogation and torture, Evey finds an old letter hidden in her cell by an inmate named Valerie Page, a film actress who was imprisoned and executed for being a lesbian.

Evey's interrogator finally gives her a choice of collaboration or death; inspired by Valerie, Evey refuses to collaborate, and, expecting to be executed, is instead told that she is free. Stunned, Evey learns that her supposed imprisonment is in fact a hoax constructed by V so that she could experience an ordeal similar to the one that shaped him at Larkhill. He reveals that Valerie was a real Larkhill prisoner who died in the cell next to his and that the letter is not a fake. Evey forgives V, who has hacked into the government's Fate computer system and started emotionally manipulating Adam Susan with mind games. Consequently, Susan, who has formed a bizarre romantic attachment to the computer, is beginning to descend into madness.

Book 3: The Land of Do-As-You-Please The following 5 November (1998), V blows up the Post Office Tower and Jordan Tower, killing "the Ear" leader Brian Etheridge; in addition to effectively shutting down three government agencies: the Eye, the Ear, and the Mouth. Creedy's men and Harper's associated street gangs violently suppress the subsequent wave of revolutionary fervor from the public. V notes to Evey that he has not yet achieved what he calls the "Land of Do-as-You-Please", meaning a functional anarchistic society, and considers the current chaotic situation an interim period of "Land of Take-What-You-Want". Finch has been mysteriously absent and his young assistant, Dominic Stone, one day realises that V has been influencing the Fate computer all along, which would explain V's consistent foresight. All the while, Finch has been travelling to the abandoned site of Larkhill, where he takes LSD to conjure up memories of his own devastated past and to put his mind in the role of a prisoner of Larkhill, like V, to help give him an intuitive understanding of V's experiences. Returning to London, Finch suddenly deduces that V's lair is inside the abandoned Victoria Station, which he enters.

V takes Finch by surprise, resulting in a scuffle which sees Finch shoot V and V wound Finch with a knife. V claims that he cannot be killed since he is only an idea and that "ideas are bulletproof"; regardless, V is indeed mortally wounded and returns to the Shadow Gallery deeper within, dying in Evey's arms. Evey considers unmasking V, but decides not to, realising that V is not an identity but a symbol. She then assumes V's identity, donning one of his spare costumes. Finch sees the large amount of blood that V has left in his wake and deduces that he has mortally wounded V. Occurring concurrently to this, Creedy has been pressuring Susan to appear in public, hoping to leave him exposed. Sure enough, as Susan stops to shake hands with Rose during a parade, she shoots him in the head in vengeance for the death of her husband and the life she has had to lead since then. Following Rose's arrest, Creedy assumes emergency leadership of the country, and Finch emerges from the subway proclaiming V's death.

Due to his LSD-induced epiphany, Finch leaves his position within "the Nose". The power struggle between the remaining leaders results in all of their deaths: Harper betrays and kills Creedy at the behest of Helen Heyer (wife of "the Eye" leader Conrad Heyer, who had outbid Creedy for Harper's loyalty), and Harper and Conrad Heyer kill each other during a fight precipitated by Heyer's discovery that his wife Helen had had an affair with Harper.

With the fate of the top government officials unknown to the public, Stone acts as leader of the police forces deployed to ensure that the riots are contained should V still be alive and make his promised public announcement. Evey appears to a crowd, dressed as V, announcing the destruction of 10 Downing Street the following day and telling the crowd they must "...choose what comes next. Lives of your own, or a return to chains", whereupon a general insurrection begins. Evey destroys 10 Downing Street by blowing up an Underground train containing V's body, in the style of an explosive Viking funeral. She abducts Stone, apparently to train him as her successor. The book ends with Finch quietly observing the chaos raging in the city and walking down an abandoned motorway whose lights have all gone out.

REVIEW

So, let’s just start this review with some honest truth. I came from a country that had several dictatorships and while democracy has been stable for most of my lifetime, countries around my country... not so much. So when I am confronted with a totalitarian government like the one in this novel, I find certain things missing.

For the most part, it is correct, but there is one thing missing. Corruption. And it is quite weird that this element is missing from the story. The only characters who abused their power to do crime, are the Fingermen, and according to Moore, that was an early mistake. Now, this lack of corruption has a reason. No one in this story is supposed to be good or evil. All of them exist in the grey zone. Perhaps that is the reason we do not see that element that most fascist governments have.

Instead, we focus a lot in morality. These characters know that what they did was not correct. And some of them change their mind when presented with new information about the ones they loved. Furthermore, the main characters that are supposed to be in the “good” side, are killers. And you side with these characters for the most part, because you understand them. You may not condone what they are doing, but you know why they are doing it.

Another thing that piqued my mind is the ending. What do you think happened to England after that ending? The people that didn’t know how to vote for so many years... is capable of living in an anarchy? It took Evey a life-threatening situation to find out she was never free in her life. How would people then wake up? I would normally not care that much about it, but in this story, anarchism is presented as the solution, and we never see the solution working. After all, if ideas are bulletproof, so would be the idea of totalitarianism.

Another interesting aspect of this story is V himself. While we never see his face or learn his name, we do know almost everything else we need to know about him. And in the end we do not need to know more. The man becomes an idea for sure, and while he is not good or bad, he seems to know exactly what to do and say in every step he takes. So I feel like his character arc is not much of an arc, is just him executing his plan, with so much precision, that he affects the freewill of other characters. In that regard, I feel like his character is very unrealistic in the context of this story. While we learn all we need to know about him, I don’t think we know how he knew how to make mustard gas and napalm. Or how he learned about literature so much, or when he became an anarchist (this may have been the reason he ended up in the camp).

Now, I watched the movie only once, and I am not thrilled to watch it again. The movie is clearly more against the patriot act, and I understand why they did that. But Evey’s arc is the one I have a problem in the adaptation. In the book, V influenced Evey, only one person, and that is why he went to the extreme of taking freedom away from her, to make her realize she is free. But in the movie, it seems like this was done for no purpose. In the end, everyone is V, how did they wake up? How do we know it isn’t just plain old mob mentality?

Because this story took so long to be finished, there are some pacing issues and the first episodes may contradict the later ones a bit. But overall, I think this is an amazing story, with an incredible amount of craft. This was more of a collaboration than other Moore stories. Lloyd being very influential in the final product. There are some small details about the art that are worth mentioning. The story used to be in Black and White, and I think it was DC that did the re-coloring. Because of that, the art looks a bit odd sometimes. Lloyd’s style was a pulpy chiaroscuro, that just doesn’t have the same effect when you add color separations.

Other than that, the art in this novel always felt hard to the eye to me. With Watchmen, you have great detail in every panel, but you can spend time in them because the art is very clear. In V, the art is more realistic, it has an euro style that fits the story very well. But for regular american readers, it may have been a bit harder to follow (It’s more of an acquired taste. Once you read a few pages, you love it).

Another detail is the roman numbers. The letter V is everywhere in this story and can be traced to door number 5, where V used to be. Well, the roman numbers are also present in all the covers.

It is easy to forget about this masterpiece. Unlike Watchmen, the publishing of this story took almost a decade, which made following it harder for fans (unless you started reading it when DC republished the original chapters). Also, unlike Watchmen, this story is very dark and really makes you think about the world you live in. Like Lloyd said in the introduction, this story is not for the people that do not want to watch the news.

I give this story a score of 10.

[tryharder-bitch]

In defense of the bully romance trope

Because with the season 3 of Stranger Things airing soon, I'm seeing more and more attacks against the harringrove ship, and I have thoughts. Beware, a long post is coming.

First of all. As a former victim of bullying, obviously don't condone this kind of behaviour in any way. This is not "fun", this is not harmless, and even if I learnt to forgive my bullies, I still have to handle the damage they've done. So yeah, bullying is gross and I think most people agree on that.

But we can't deny that the bully romance trope have a lot of success - even I appreciate it. Think Drarry or Dramione, they are amongst the most popular HP ships.

Something that is widely criticized in those ships is the nonsense of a victim falling in love with their bully. No way they could ever love with this asshole, right? Well, spoiler alert: you can't control attraction, and if love was logical, there wouldn't be as much abuse and toxic relationships everywhere.

Besides, we humans are in constant need of validation. And sometimes, when someone won't give you that, and does even the opposite, you can subconsciously put that person on a pedestal and seek their approbation... or their love. Yes, I know this is not healthy, but it happens.

The second thing that makes people angry is that in their opinion, seeing this trope in fiction can encourage this dynamic in real life - the "loving bully" becomes a sympathetic character, which leads to seeing bullying as something "cute".

The thing is, tropes don't come out of the blue. As unhealthy as it is, sometimes the reason people bully someone is because they are attracted to their victim and don't know how to handle it. Not good, but it happens.

And don't get me started on "the closeted gay kid being a bully because they are scared of being gay" like... it's an actual thing, and it's very sad that it still happens nowadays. From my experience, bullies are scared too. Or they're lacking something, love, attention, whatever. It's not an excuse, of course, but a simple reminder that human beings are not unidimensional.

This being said, does this trope actually encourages bullying ?

Now we have to wonder, what is the purpose of fiction. Does it have to be moral? Educational? Politically correct? I'd say it depends on the audience.

This trope is especially present in fanfiction, in which the purpose is obviously exploring the  fantasies of the author (in the broad sense, not only in a sexual way, you pervs) and sharing interpretations of the source material. And it's fun! Which doesn't mean than fanfiction authors shouldn't be careful, because they are read sometimes by a very young audience and can influence them and perpetuate some gross stuff *cough*rapeculture*cough* But they are not educators, and besides tagging their writing appropriately and using trigger warnings, they can't do much. So please, stop shitting on fanfiction authors, or artists, or anyone contributing to a fandom.

It's not the same thing for mainstream fictions though, who reach a wider audience. People who create those fictions are aware of their influence and are also under a lot of pressure to please the greatest number. Especially family or teen shows take into account their educational value... and aren't always subtle about it, yes, I'm looking at you Sex Education (not saying this is a bad show, they're just very obvious about their purpose).

In the end, it all comes back to how this trope is presented. A character can evolve, it's actually what makes him interesting! Redemption is good! I don't really believe in irremediable villains, people are more complex than just "bad" (they're chief salads, ya know, like my boy Lemony said).

So, coming back to harringrove: I wouldn't have any problem with that ship becoming canon if they show how wrong Billy's actions are, make him realize it and evolve to become a better person. I would actually be really really happy to see that, and I hope that's what they're going for (as a screenwriter, it's what makes the more sense to me dramatically speaking - and also yes Billy is obviously queer coded). I don't know if they'll actually do it, cause yknow, mainstream media, fear of losing audience, etc - god, I'd like to live in a world where having gay characters wouldn't be such a weighed decision. But Billy is a victim overall, he needs help and deserves to have a chance to become a better person. And it breaks my heart to see that in some people's eyes, he's nothing more than a psychopath.

[stagekiller]

“Those who grant sympathy to guilt, grant none to innocence.”  ―  Ayn Rand  

  To cut a long story short, we could conclude that clownman grew up in a toxic environment. And as much as I hate to make him sound like a victim, he...was a victim of circumstance. So, today, we delve into Jerome’s feelings in regards to his past.

  Before I begin, I would like to declare that I am very much opposed to any fandom interpretations of his character that present him as a ‘poor wittle baby whose mommy didn’t love him yadayadayada’. This is watering down the character. It’s Bonnie & Clyde syndrome. And my goal in this post is NOT to make you sympathize with him, hence the quote.

  Second, small disclaimer; these are fictional characters in a fictional settings. Though it may bare resemblance to things that happen in real life, I, as the mun, by no means condone any actions described.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: child abuse, corporal punishment, incest, gaslighting, spoilers

  Throughout this post I will be making references to Arthur Phleck, so consider it a spoiler zone for JOKER(2019). These references are mostly used as comparisons in regards to ‘The Joker’s essence and how the victim mentality comes into play in all different iterations of this DC villain, establishing victim-play as a character trait.

PART ONE : ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY

 To begin with, I want to delve into how Jerome himself sees his childhood, how he feels about these past events and how he chooses to present them to others.

  Jerome is someone who hates vulnerability. He is not one to open up or be vulnerable around others where it counts. That is a symptom, or rather, a consequence, of the abuse he has suffered. Child abuse survivors often have severe trust issues, because the people they were supposed to trust (their family) have betrayed them in some shape or form. For example, if a parent baits their child to confess a naughty thing (”If you tell me, I won’t ground you.”) they did and then punishes them after confessing, it is very likely that this child will be more hesitant to confess the next time. After enough repetition, the child may start suspecting other adults of similar behavior. The foundation for a cognitive structure has been laid; “If I trust people with information, they may use it against me.”

  According to Mary Ainsworth, the bond between mother and infant is the most important because the child will then base their future attachments on that prototype. In an oversimplification, parents teach us how to bond with other people, among other things. They are responsible for teaching us how to behave socially and how to interact with others. Furthermore, research has shown that children with depressed mothers are more likely to develop conduct disorders, due to the lack of proper interaction and stimuli at an early age.

 PART TWO: THESE HUMBLE BEGINNINGS

   Now, to put all these things into perspective, in my headcanon, Lila Valeska was very much a depressed mother. A depressed alcoholic, to be exact. A broken woman, looking for self esteem in any embrace that would be offered to her. And, because of that,s he was completely incapable to equip Jerome and Jeremiah with the social skills they needed. She never intended to abuse them. And she wasn’t evil. She just wasn’t enough.

   But the problem only begins with Lila. Zachary Trundle very much played the part of her controlling older brother. We can actually see that he was rather controlling in canon, telling her what to do with her kids ( note how Zach told her to throw Jerome in the river but Lila still kept him around ) and being in charge of moving Jeremiah when the time came. We can conclude that Zachary played the part of a father, a brother and potentially a husband substitute as well.

  And it was Zachary who molded Jerome into what he became later on. But... more on their relationship on a later post. ;3c

 Last, but not least, let’s not forget about Paul Cicero, who not only wasn’t there to console Jerome but also gaslighted him. ( “The world doesn’t care about you” ) He tried to instill the core belief in him that he was unworthy and he should just suck it up. And what that does to kids is usually make them think that they deserve the abuse and not try to escape from it. In Jerome’s case, it also resulted in him abusing himself later on. Because when this kind of situation has been NORMALIZED for you, anything other than pain feels abnormal and weird. Jerome would not know how to react to healthy relationships.

PART THREE: ONE IN EVERY DECK

  “Playing the victim role: Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.”    ―  George K. Simon Jr.,  In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People    

  All iterations of the Joker have a tragic backstory. Most DC Villains do, as a matter of fact. But how they deal with it differs from one iteration to another. For example, Ledger Joker uses different versions of a tragic backstory to either disturb or gain sympathy from his victims, or to make a point ( ‘you wanna know how I got these scars?’ ). Nicholson Joker uses his tragic backstory as feud fuel and victim cards to pin his misery on Batman. BTAs Joker is shown using some tragic backstory to sway Dr. Quinzel, but later on in the Mad Love episode we see that he’s used the same victim card on Batman too.

  But Phoenix Joker is by far the most compelled to play victim cards. The difference with previous iterations is that Phleck Joker sees himself as the victim too. I’m not saying that the others didn’t, to some extent. But Arthur is immersed in the part. He thinks of himself as a mentally ill loner. He doesn’t just use the victimhood card in a manipulative fashion. He actually experiences emotion over it. That is a much more realistic interpretation of what has come to be known as the serial killer victim complex.

  I’ve dropped a link to a video of a real life criminal talking about himself and his past actions in a very similar way to Arthur Phleck, here. Please view at your own discretion, it does contain disturbing material.

    So how does Jerome view the things that happened in his childhood?

  On the show, Jerome uses victim cards in a similar fashion to previous Joker iterations. “ With Uncle Zach, the beatings never stopped...they went on and on, and yet...nobody ever helped me... ” He tells Bruce. For a moment, we see him performing an emotion. But it is shallow. And that is because, as I mentioned above, Jerome hates vulnerability. So, to me, he is somewhat of a combination between Phleck and the previous Jokers.

  He will use his tragic backstory for pity points when it is convenient. But does he actually see himself as a victim? No. Because that would contradict his prideful nature! A victim is weak, puny, abused and broken. Jerome can’t be those things, because seeing himself as such would be an ego collapse. Jerome sees his life as a movie. Another soap opera. He removes himself from the reality of the situation. There is a ‘that’s life’ mentality in that too. There’s a ‘my life is a comedy’ mentality in that too. But, unlike Phleck, Jerome doesn’t feel bitter about it anymore.

   Even when referencing how he killed Lila to Jim Gordon, or complaining to Jeremiah for abandoning him, the emotional aspect lasts for a minute. Then he starts laughing and making jokes about it. It’s like he wants to distance himself from the reality of the situation. And that’s why he doesn’t use the victim cards in most situations too. Because they would make him look weak and small. And he’s not pathetic like that.

  For example, he wouldn’t start talking about his tragic backstory just to sleep with some cult girl. These tactics are RESERVED for very special individuals, like Bruce Wayne and his brother. He would use this kind of thing against people he knows are emotional or bonded with him to some extend. That’s why he doesn’t do it to Jimbo, for example, because he knows Jimbo isn’t as openly compassionate as Bruce, who would feel sorry for him and want to help him.

   TO CONCLUDE: Once again my post got huge and if you made it this far, thank you for reading :D I hope I conveyed the general picture adequately to you!

To those who abuse: the sin is yours, the crime is yours, and the shame is yours. To those who protect the perpetrators: blaming the victims only masks the evil within, making you as guilty as those who abuse. Stand up for the innocent or go down with the rest.”   — Flora Jessop, Church of Lies

[littlebitoffanfic]

Broken

Fandom: IT (2017) Characters: Henry, Butch Relationship: Henry/reader Request: I was wondering if you could write about a reader who used to be abused and starts dating Henry when she moves to derry but finds out hes a bully and breaks up with him. But then she finds out about his father abusing him and knows she has to help him. You trudged in the rain, your hair soaking wet but you didn’t mind. Because the water was hiding your tears. You had only moved to Derry 3 months ago during summer after you turned 16 years old and the orphanage knew you would never get taken at that age, so they set you up in Derry with a flat. they called it a legally Minor Emancipation where you were to live like an adult of 18 when you were only 16. There was a lot of rules and regulations to abide by but, since you were in such a small town, you could disappear off the face of the earth. It was in Derry that you met Henry Bowers. He was tough looking and tough talking. But when his eyes first fell on you, you saw them soften. It was summer but you had to go into school because of the toll this whole situation had taken on your grades. You were surprised to see Henry there. Over the summer, the two of you really connected in the empty class room. He made you laugh, a lot and you hadn’t felt this comfortable with someone in a long time. One night, he was driving you home and, just before you got out, he kissed you. That kiss set your whole world on fire as you felt your crush growing into something more. he took you out of dates and treated you like a queen, something you had never really known, nor did you expect it from someone the same age as you. It was almost too good to be true. but it turns out it was. You had heard rumours that he was a bully, but people were saying he hadn’t been that bad over the summer. But then you started to hear more in depth things about what he did to people. Then you saw it with your own eyes. You had been walking in Derry yesterday when you saw him punching someone who was a couple of years younger than him. He was with his friends, who you had met on occasions but thought they were just a handful. But they weren’t. They were bullies. And that love you felt for him was overpowered by anger and hatred and you knew you couldn’t be with him. You looked up as you rounded the corner, seeing Henry leaning against the wall of the theatre just under the small shelter which kept him dry. It was meant to be a date tonight. He was going to take you to the cinema. He seemed to sense someone looking at him and saw you. You saw a smile tug at his lips. He wouldn’t be smiling in a minute. “I said I would come get you.” He joked as you came closer, nodding to his car. You glanced around, making sure there was no one about. He reached out a hand to cup your cheek but you flinch away, backing away from him slightly. “[y/n]?” He asked, totally confused by your actions. You were still standing in the rain, staring to the side. “We’re over.” You said, speaking loud and clear as your heart broke in two. “What?” Henry stepped closer, now coming into the rain. “I saw you yesterday. I saw you punching that kid.” You look at him, trying to hide how much this was hurting you. “I wont date a bully.” Henry stood with his mouth open staring at you for a moment before it snapped shut. “I aint a bully.” He growled and, for the first time, you felt fear. “You are! I know what a bully is and god knows I wont be with one!” You growl back, looking him up and down when you spoke and scowled. you turned on your heel and started to storm away, your feel slashing in the puddles until a hand grabbed your wrist. “[y/n]!” He called out, pulling you back. He twisted you around and, before you could saying anything, kissed you. The kiss sent a warmth running through your body despite the rain. In fact, the rain only added to the kiss. It was like a scene out of a romance movie, a young couple kissing in the rain. You hated that you loved him this much. You hated that you weren’t strong enough to pull away and scold him but the truth was, you wanted him to kiss you. He was first to pull away, searching your eyes for any sign of a change in your decision. “Would you ever hit me?” You asked, unable to stop your question. “No, no of course not.” He shook his head, his hair sending droplets of water flying but they got lost in the rain. You looked into his eyes and saw he really did mean it. But you knew better. “When I was lying in the hospital, I swore to myself I would never put myself in a situation where someone could hurt me or harm me again.” You squeezed your eyes shut. Reaching down, you pulled up your top a little. Henrys eyes fell on a old scar which was still visible in your side. His eyes widened and he thought of how many times his hands had ran over that area. “What-“ He trailed off as you dropped your top back over to cover it. “My parents were killed when I was young and I was sent to live with my uncle. He used to beat me black and blue. He would threaten me, hit me, curse at me, throw things at me, put cigarettes out of my skin. You name it, he had done it. One night he went too far and he stabbed me. That was when the police got involved. I was taken away and put in an orphanage. And that was where I stayed for years until I was moved out here. But I wasn’t the only one he abused. I found out that the night he tried to kill me, he had killed my aunt who stood by and watched everything until she developed a voice. I swore I would never become her. I wouldn’t condone or turn a blind eye on abuse. I wouldn’t allow myself to be a victim any longer. I was broken, I still am. But I wont be with someone who breaks others like I was.” You looked past Henry as you spoke, tears spilling from your eyes as you told the story for the first time since that day. “i-i-I wont hurt you.” henry stuttered, cupping your cheeks but you shook your head, backing away from him. “You will. You will. One day, you’ll get angry and there wont be any one else around.” You shook your head, pulling away from and turning away. This time, you walked fast and didn’t hear him following. “You wanna go?! Then go!” he screamed after you, making jump and more tears stream down your face. You heard the anger in his voice, but you also hear it break. -------------time skip---------- With summer school ending the week before you broke up with Henry, you didn’t see him again until school. But you were surprised, you didn’t seen nearly as much of him as you thought. You saw him in passing, and when he stared at you from afar. But he didn’t come near you. Some people seemed to have gotten it in their minds that you had beaten the crap out of him, which was quickly dismissed when people got to know you. You quickly made a few friends and people seemed to like you. The weather didn’t get any better. In fact, there was now parts of the town that were flooded. You had been in school but hadn’t seen Henry at all. He was in your maths class, but he wasn’t there today. People had said he wasn’t as bad as he used to be. And that he had became a lot more secluded and withdrawn. You sat in the living room, reading. The TV channels were getting messed up with the torrential rain from outside so you had given up. It was 7pm and was already dark out. you jumped when you heard your buzzer go. You got up and ran over to it, pressing the button to speak. “hello?” “Its Henry.” A voice wheezed into the microphone. You considered ignoring it but then he spoke again. “Please. I-I need your help.” Your fingered hovered over the button to unlock the door. He sounded desperate. You pressed it, allowing him to enter the building. When you heard him come in, you quickly raised around your apartment, making sure there was nothing embarrassing around before you heard a knock at your door. Henry had been to your apartment many times, so knew what to do. You walked over, your heart beating hard in your chest, but when you opened the door, it froze. Henry was leaning against the door frame and he looked like he had been attacked. He had a burst lip that was gushing blood, a number of bruises around his face, two black eyes, cuts and his clothes were torn, showing more damage to his skin. “What-what-“ you trailed off as you darted out, linking his free arm around your neck and you helped him inside. You glanced down his body, through the torn clothes. You saw aged bruises and marks that you knew anywhere. The burns from cigarettes, the bruises from punches. You saw them all. You kicked the door closes and you brought him inside and sat him on your sofa. Once there, you ran to your kitchen and got a first aid kit. Your hands were shaking as you tried to take deep breaths. You leaned against the counter for second, pulling yourself together before returning to him. He was sitting forward, his head in his hands which were shaking. You walked over to him, kneeling in front of him and placing a hand on his knee. He jumped at the action but seemed to settle when he saw you. You got to work on the cuts first, disinfecting them. Henry would not look at you. He stared past you, occasionally wincing when you touched the disinfectant soaked cotton bud to a fresh cut. You didn’t ask him who did this to him. He needed time to settle first. You were the same. He sat in silence. You looked down and you could see through the rips in his jeans that his legs needed more help. You got to your feet and went through to your bedroom, grabbing a towel from the pile and coming back through. “Here. I need to tend to your legs.” You offered him the towel, which he took and you turned your back. You heard him let out a hiss as he moved out of his clothes. He cleared his throat and you turned back. He had wrapped the towel around his waist and his top and jeans were lying on the sofa. You saw his chest was covered with marks of past scars and injuries. Your heart broke in two for him as you walked up to him. You reached out a hand and raised your fingers over the healed scars. It was strange to touch the wounds on someone else’s skin. You looked up at Henry, seeing he was staring down at you, intensely. You were about to speak, not that you knew what to say, when your buzzer went. Darting over, you pressed down on the speaker. “Hello?” “Its Officer Bowers.” You heard Henry let out a whimper and you instantly knew what was going on. You reached to let him in when Henry darted forward and grabbed your wrist. “Please, don’t.” He begged you. You placed your hand on his chest and smiled at him, showing him it was going to be okay. You gently pushed him behind the door, knowing there was enough room for him to hid. You then pressed the speaker. “Of course. If you come up to the second floor.” You said, making your voice sound confident and you heard him push open the door. You had to run back to the sofa, grab Henrys clothes and chuck them at him before you opened the door just in time. Standing in the door way, was Henrys father. “Evening.” You greeted, smiling. “Is everything okay?” “No, im looking for my son.” He said and you couldn’t help but feel intimidated. “Oh, sorry. But who is your son?” You ask, frowning so you looked concerned and confused. “Henry Bowers. He attends your school.” He said, raising an eyebrow. You glance to the side and bite your lower lip, pretending to think before looking back to the police officer. “About a foot taller than me, dirty blonde hair with a mullet?” You asked, raising your hand to illustrate his height. The officer nods. “No, sorry. I saw him yesterday but I haven’t seen him today.” You see him glancing behind you. “Do you need to come in and look?” You asked. As you thought, he shook his head. He knew that if he came in and searched your property and you went to the authorities and said he didn’t have a permit, he would be in hot water. “No, its fine.” He grunts. “Do you have a number or something I can call if I see him?” You ask, trying to seem as helpful and genuine as possible. “No, its fine.” He repeats before nodding at you and leaving. You waited until he was out of sight to close the door. The second the door was closed, Henrys arms wrapped around you. He was now violently shaking and he was panting, as if he was having a panic attack. You returned his hug, feeling his heart beating out of his chest. You squeezed your eyes shut but held him nonetheless till you felt him calm down. After a moment, you pulled back. “I still need to tend to your leg.” You whispered and he nodded. The two of you returned to the sofa and you finished up with his wounds. “Im sorry. I just didn’t know anywhere else to go. I didn’t think he would come here.” Henry mumbled, looking past you. “Its okay. Its nice to see you, even if the situation is horrendous.” You smiled, trying to show him it really was okay. When you looked into his eyes, you saw only heart ache as he stared at you and you couldn’t deal with it. You looked away from him. “You shouldn’t have lied to him. He’ll find out.” Henry whispered, the fear obvious in his voice. “He cant touch me and he knows that.” You shook your head and raised to your feet. you moved the med kit onto the table and walked into your bedroom to grab a spare duvet and pillows. You pulled them through to your living room when Henry frowned with confusion. “You cant go back out in this.” You shrug as you place the pillow at the end of the sofa and covered him with the duvet, hoping he would stop shaking but giggled when it covered his head as well. Pushing the cover to the side of the sofa, you saw a small smile pull at his broken lips. You sat beside him, about to ask him if he needed anything but then you looked at him. “I miss you.” He muttered but then flinched and looked down, as if he didn’t mean to say it out loud. “I miss you, too.” You couldn’t help the smile that pulled at your lips. He looked back to you and you saw something in his eyes. A spark of hope. “I guess we’re both broken now, eh?” You giggle, shaking your head as you look up at him. In a moment, you felt yourself fall in love with him all over again. You don’t know what made you lean forward. You didn’t know what drew you to his lips which were slightly swollen. When Henry saw you do this, he moved a lot faster than you to press his lips to yours in a hungry kiss. His shaking arms wrapped around you and you were pulled towards him, under the covers. Not that you minded. You couldn’t count how many times you had made out with Henry on this couch but this felt different. It was needy. You pulled away, panting. Henry was the same, but he kept close to you, his nose knocking against yours in a somewhat playful manner than made you giggle. But then you frowned. “Henry, I meant what I said before.” You look up at him, seeing his heart break. “No one deserves this.” You signalled to his body. “If you raise your hands to anyone again, im gone.” You warn. A smile broke out on Henrys battered face as he kissed you again, a silent promise. He had learnt his behaviour from his father, that much was certain. But you knew that didn’t excuse his own actions. “Run away with me?” He mumbled against your lips, making your eyes widen. “Henry, I don’t know. You know what the authorities are like with me.” You shake your head, but you couldn’t get the idea out of your head. You didn’t know where the two of you would go. But there was bound to be a number of places that would take in teenagers. If not, you two could just sleep in the car. Or, you could try speak to your social worker. “Wait until tomorrow. I might be able to get a move from here. And you can come with me.” You think out loud, looking at him. “You mean it?” He asked, grabbing your hands with wide eyes as if he couldn’t believe it. You nodded and he kissed you again. You were offering him a life line that he couldn’t refuse. What happened next surprised you. Tears swelled in his eyes as he stared at you before pulling you in for another kiss. You hoped that taking him away from this place, from his father and, in some respects, from himself would be good for him. He could see how normal people were meant to live together. And maybe, if he wasn’t getting beaten up like this at home, he wouldn’t feel the need to project it onto others. You wouldn’t just be saving him though. You knew many in the town would be thankful to see him leave, which made your heart break slightly. They would never know how sweet and caring he could be. But they didn’t have to. Henry pulled you down so you were both lying on the couch. You were on the inside and Henry lay closest to the edge. He wrapped his arms around you, one under your head and the other lazily lay across your waist and hip. “Carful you don’t hurt yourself even more.” You mumbled against his lips. You were very aware of the amount of cuts he had on him and didn’t want to cause any more damage than necessary. But Henry just chuckled, pulling you closer. You both curled up on the sofa, listening to the soft and soothing sound of the rain hitting the glass. Henrys hand played with your hair until they slowly fell still and you heard the soft snores coming from his throat.

[youstartedoutrandom]

Please write something about how to deal with the Naya Rivera situation. I'm so upset.

Hey Anon,

The first thing is to acknowledge your emotions for what they are: a grief response.

While some people may say that it doesn’t make sense to get worked up over something a celebrity has done—even one’s favorite celebrity—the truth is that a fan’s relationship with the media they consume and the people who produce that media is complex and deeply emotional. 

Storytelling and representation can make deep impacts on the ways in which we perceive ourselves, so seeing someone who helped to tell one of your favorite stories or who in some way represented a crucial facet of your identity in media do something disgraceful or even pernicious can upset your sense of self and cause you to feel conflicted and hurt.

Based on your message, I’m guessing that Naya’s work and advocacy have probably meant a lot to you over the years. You may have looked up to her. You may have seen yourself in the characters she has played. 

Seeing this situation unfold has probably challenged your notions of her and maybe even affected your perceptions about the media she has helped to create. You may feel uncomfortable thinking about her and her work and be unsure as to how to continue to engage with characters, music, and storylines you have long loved. It may be hard for you to look at Santana and/or Brittana and enjoy them anymore. Doing so may even be triggering for you, depending on your past history.

If so, then what you’re experiencing is a kind of loss, and it’s healthy for you to treat it that way. You have to allow yourself to process your thoughts and work through your feelings.

The tricky thing is is that there is no one right way to grieve, and everyone’s emotional journey is going to be different. I can’t offer you a “one size fits all” fix for your grief or tell you the way you ought to react. All I can do is offer suggestions. 

I put them after the cut.

_______

So the first thing I suggest is to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and truly grieve. 

It’s okay if you’re sad. It’s okay if you’re angry. It’s okay if you’re confused. It’s okay if you’re all those things at once. 

You may see other people in fandom spaces reacting differently to this situation than you are, but don’t spend too much time comparing your reaction to theirs or trying to force your reaction to match anyone else’s. 

Though the fandom is in many ways a collective, it is made up of individuals, and everyone comes to fandom with different experiences, meaning that while this situation may be hitting you hard, others may be less affected. Some people will need a lot of time to grieve. Others will need no time at all. While your primary emotional response may be sorrow, your best fandom friend may instead feel anger or incredulity. There isn’t one right way to feel about what’s happening or to respond to this news. 

Just focus on what you feel and give yourself the time and emotional space that you need to work through your own reactions. 

Remember that grief is seldom linear and that you may feel like you’re done mourning this loss one day only to suddenly feel bereaved again the next. You may be fine for a while but then hear a snippet of “Landslide” and all at once be right back where you started. 

Sometimes it’s hard to be patient with the grief process because you just want it to be over so you can stop feeling upset, but you can’t rush it. You just have to ride the wave and allow yourself to react as much as you need to. There’s no single timescale and the five stages don’t always happen either in order or individually. Nothing about grief is neat and tidy.

Permit yourself to feel what you need to feel, and realize that your paradigm is probably going to shift.

—which brings me to my second suggestion, which is to carefully curate your media for the next while.

After everything is said and done, some people in the Santana/Brittana fandom are going to want to continue engaging with Naya’s past work, but others are not, and only you can decide where you stand on the issue and what makes you comfortable.

When certain media has meant a lot to you—and may have even bettered or saved your life—it can be really difficult to decide how to proceed when an actor involved with that media has done something you object to, particularly if you are a fan who is conscious of the facts that storytelling doesn’t happen in a vacuum and that continuing to support celebrities who are abusers can have serious implications for their victims.

I can’t tell you what you’re going to feel about Naya/Glee/Santana/Brittana once this situation plays out in full. I can only encourage you to be gentle with yourself over the next few days and weeks.   

If seeing Naya, Santana, and/or Brittana is in any way upsetting or triggering to you, then blacklist those words and images using Tumblr Savior or even consider logging off your fan sites for the time being. You may need to avoid clicking links to the updated news stories. You may need to unfollow some blogs. You may need to stop watching old episodes or listening to old music. 

It’s possible that you’ll eventually want to return to engaging with media involving Naya, but it’s also possible that you won’t.

In the event that you don’t want to return, tell yourself that what you’re doing is okay. I know that walking away from media you once loved can be a confusing and emotional process, and it may even feel like an act of disloyalty. But the important thing is to do what you need to so that you can feel safe and healthy and process your grief.

One of the hardest things about seeing someone we’ve once admired do something that we can’t condone is feeling that somehow the well has been poisoned—that all of the good that they may have done for us in the past has been undone by the bad thing they’ve done in the present.

If you do end up walking away from this aspect of your fandom life, please know that doing so in no way invalidates or changes the things that you have felt and learned to this point in your journey. If Naya’s portrayal of Santana helped you to understand and accept yourself and your sexuality, then that’s a good thing, and you don’t have to feel guilty or invalid. 

Though the media itself may be tainted for you, the discoveries you’ve made, the healing you’ve experienced, the friendships you’ve forged, and the art you’ve created still count for good in your life.

If you need to express your feelings about this situation, then do so. Write a reaction post if you need to. Confide in a trusted fandom friend if you can. If you feel helpless or like you need to take action, consider doing something to support victims of domestic violence or raise awareness.

At the same time that you are curating your own media and figuring out your best course of action, allow others around you to do the same. 

As stated above, everyone is going to process this situation differently, and you may have friends in the fandom who need different types of space and amounts of time to grieve than you do. 

Be conscientious about your tags and reblogs. Be respectful of what your friends and mutuals may or may not want to talk about. So many people all over the world have personal experience with domestic violence situations, and it is important to be mindful of their trauma.

My final suggestion is to talk to someone if you need to.

If you’re struggling, reach out for help to a family member, friend, counselor, or hotline. Don’t feel like you have to process your grief alone because you don’t. There are people who are willing to listen and who want to help.

I’m thinking of you, Anon, and my ask box is open if you need it.

Be good to yourself.

[intheshadowofsignificance]

I really don't understand why the fandom insists on infantilizing Seto to excuse his bad behavior. It's not just him being arrogant it's him hurting Joey by calling him a dog and dehumanizing him because he thinks it's funny. I know Seto was abused and abuse is a cycle but it has to stop somewhere and as the victim of bullying it really upsets me that fandom doesn't see that.

***This post is for my thoughts alone, please feel free to reblog and tag but if you’re going to comment, make your own post on your own blog. I have no desire to be the source of heated debate in the fandom and I don’t want to see people tear characters to shreds. I do not want to see people dissect my personal life experience and insight for debate. Make. Your. Own. Post.***

I received a similar ask a while ago and searched my blog hoping it would explain where I’m coming from. You’re under no obligation to read it, but in case you’d like to you can find it here.

Speaking of, Joey Wheeler was a bully himself. He saw the error of his ways because he had a support system the likes of which Seto never knew. If you want my thoughts on that, you can find them here.

The only thing I have to add is this: Seto Kaiba is sixteen years old and most of his fans who emphasize that aren’t doing so to excuse his actions. Look back on how you acted at sixteen when you’re twenty six, you’ll understand. Age and experience provide remarkable perspective that can’t be accounted for by anything else.

The reception abuse survivors receive greatly influences the way they’re able to adapt and adjust outside of the abuse, and the way they form relationships going forward.

Fans of Seto Kaiba are just that, people with whom Seto, as a character, resonates. I’ve never seen anyone condone him calling Joey a dog, or justify his abusive behavior by saying he was abused and it’s therefore okay. Explaining that Seto was traumatized and is reeling from and learning to navigate that trauma is not the same as putting him on some kind of ‘flawless character’ pedistal. Many traumatized people lash out. Many traumatized people are not conventionally soft or kind and neither are their coping mechanisms. Hurt people can’t use their pain as an excuse to cause pain without being accountable, but they are still. people.

I’ve also dealt with bullying. I don’t look back on those days and say the bullying was okay, but I do look back and see it lead to me being significantly more guarded. If I shut out people close to me by being guarded, the bullying I endured isn’t an excuse for that, it’s a source I can trace back to when I realize what I’m doing, it’s a vantage point I can use to create healthier habits for myself. Understanding why people and characters are the way they are is important, reasons are not the same as excuses.

Acknowledging that people who exhibit toxic behavior are still people does not excuse their toxic behavior.

Acknowledging that sixteen year old adolescents still have a lot of growing to do does not excuse them being cruel to their peers.

Acknowledging the cycle of abuse does not automatically perpetuate it.

I’m sorry you’ve been or are being bullied, I can tell by the tone of your ask that you’re hurting. I want to tell you personally that the cruel behavior someone has exhibited toward you is not okay, is not deserved, and should not be excused.

But you are responsible for the way you consume media and the way you let it affect you throughout your life. It’s perfectly fine to stay in sects of the fandom that have similar opinions regarding this, it’s perfectly fine to censor your fandom experience so you can heal. Lashing out at fans isn’t going to help you, and I’d hate to see it be the reason you endure more harrassment or expose yourself to more harmful rhetoric. Tread hot water and you’ll get burnt.

***This post is for my thoughts alone, please feel free to reblog and tag but if you’re going to comment, make your own post on your own blog. I have no desire to be the source of heated debate in the fandom and I don’t want to see people tear characters to shreds. I do not want to see people dissect my personal life experience and insight for debate. Make. Your. Own. Post.***

[amalgamezz]

Re: Jumin Discourse | P1

Warning: Abuse TW, long post, heavy graphics content.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Submission by Anonymous

(Since you mentioned the fear of backlash, I’m gonna put you on anonymous. If you prefer any other way, please let me know.)

Hopefully you will take these into an account. As a survivor of an abusive relationship with a man who is almost scarily like Jumin, I get frustrated at Jumin stans for frequently making fun of and acting aggressive towards people who say Jumin is abusive or reminds them of an abuser. I didn’t even play Jumin’s BE2; his route alone made me feel so uncomfortable towards him and I grew to hate him even more. When I first started playing the game, knowing nothing about the game or characters, Jumin was my favorite. At face value, he seemed like my type - tall, dark, and handsome, likes cats, and gave off the impression that he would be the stern and reserved tsundere romance option who takes a while to admit his feelings for you. But boy, I was wrong.

I don’t think many people take into account how much Jumin controls your every move in his route. You don’t even get many options to tell him no to something, or that you feel uncomfortable. Like, I chose to never say the “I love you” option when it was available, but he decided you do anyway. He kisses you without your permission. There’s several points where the MC speaks to Jumin or about him as if he’s just a friend, while he is confessing his feelings for her and talking about how much he wants her. That’s very uncomfortable. Remember, you go to his penthouse in the first place as a concerned friend. Jumin is basically a “friendzoned” guy who has power and money and decides he wants this girl, so that means he talks for the both of them a lot of the time, proposes to her in front of a bunch of people giving her no room to refuse, talks about choosing her clothes, hair style, what she can and can’t do, who she can’t talk to (He expresses that he doesn’t want her talking to Zen at one point), and where she can and can’t go. Zen calling him out on his controlling nature in that chat (on Day 10 I believe) was exactly how I feel. But Jumin didn’t take it seriously, and says he’ll think about including MC in decisions more, only to promptly go propose to her without discussing it at all. In his after endings (both VDay and Good Ending after endings) she is basically his trophy wife who doesn’t do anything and stays in his penthouse all the time. That sounds horrible.

I felt like I had to say this because Jumin has so many “protect” blogs (while Zen has none - hmmm.) and is probably the most defended and over-analyzed character in the game. I barely see any Jumin hate, but I see a lot of people complaining about Jumin hate and making lengthy posts about why we should forgive all the shitty things Jumin does.

Honestly, his backstory is really not that sad. I would say it’s the least tragic in the game. The worst thing in his life is that he’s neglected emotionally. But he always says that the reason he acts rude and cold and callous is because he could never tell if people were being genuine or not because of who he is and his money. If that’s the case, why not actually be nice and caring to people so they have a reason to act genuine to you? He also is a huge misogynist, and talks all the time about how he hates women. He blames all the women that his dad goes through for their part in his dad’s affairs, but doesn’t really dislike his dad except for saying he doesn’t like his behavior? Why isn’t his hatred directed towards cheating and promiscuous men, instead of all women in general? He generalizes all women to be fake and gold diggers, save for Rika and MC. He doesn’t even see Jaehee as a woman - he’s said that specifically.

Honestly, Jumin’s behavior and character are extremely unlikeable, and I don’t think he’d be as popular if he wasn’t a conventionally attractive cis male designed to appeal to straight and bi women. The reason the whole RFA acts standoffish towards him is because his actions are terrible, and he acts like an overgrown privileged man child most of the time. The phone calls and conversations you posted of the RFA during Jumin’s route weren’t mean at all??? Literally most of them were saying “you need to put your own safety first. If you feel uncomfortable, leave. You don’t have to prioritize his feelings over your own.” Which is the proper response??? Like honestly if you’re mad about them all reacting that way - 5 characters (including V, because he tells Jumin he needs to stop) who are wildly different all thinking that Jumin is in the wrong and are worried about what he will do. That’s telling.

I hope you don’t take this too negatively; I felt like I needed to add this to the argument because it’s so one-sided right now in favor of Jumin. I’m not trying to change your opinion on him, I’m just hoping this will help you see other people’s point of view, especially those who are abuse victims. Because most of the time I’m afraid to post anything that’s anti-Jumin because I’m afraid of the backlash. You can like him all you want, but please don’t go around hating on people who dislike him because he makes them uncomfortable and/or is a reminder of past abuse. I just wanted to help Jumin stans understand where us abuse victims are coming from. We don’t have to agree, I just don’t want to keep seeing the aggression towards people who dislike Jumin anymore. It’s victim blaming.

First of all, if any of my posts gave you a vibe that I was mocking victims of an abusive relationship or victim-blaming, then you will have my sincerest apologies and I can assure you that I did not have any intention of doing that at all. Perhaps I was too salty about those who were blaming only Jumin for getting BE2 even though it was decided by their own choices, so I’ve inconsiderately used words that may be offensive to you. If that happens again in the future, please let me know so I will choose my words more carefully.

Please do know that I’m fully aware that Jumin’s Route is not for everyone. Different people will experience the same event differently due to their different past, background, or personality, etc. I’m sorry to hear that it made you feel uncomfortable. It would be a lie if I said I have never once had a moment where I arched an eyebrow at his actions.

Before I continue, I would like to straightforwardly clarify that I do not condone or ask anyone to condone any of these, as you said, shitty behaviors of his:

[HE] Control Issue:

[IS 100%] Control Issue/Possessiveness:

[FUCKED UP, FAM] Control Issue/Obsession:

His control issue, obsession, and possessiveness definitely need addressing. I’m not gonna make any excuse for him regardings this matter in this post.

Moving on. I can see why some people may feel uncomfortable or even remind of their abuser because of Jumin. But saying he himself being abusive? I genuinely cannot understand.

He does acknowledge his mistakes and keeps apologizing while you are there?

He might get paranoid but genuinely means no harm...

...and only wants to try his best to ensure your happiness.

He knows what he’s doing is wrong. That’s why he keep on fighting against his own mental illness just for you.

Side notes: Due to personal reasons, I can see where he came from and why he did what he did. But then it might come off as excuses to you, so I will just leave it at that. Again, I must stress that I do not encourage these fucked up behaviors of his or ask everyone for forgiveness. Whether you want to forgive him or not, you have the right to decide it. I’m only hoping you would understand that he sincerely does not mean any harm to you.

[lpdwillwrite4coffee]

CHILDREN OF LILITH CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Amsterdam flipped the pages of his notes, rereading a section and then glancing up at the group sprawled around his apartment. Boz had found his way onto the sofa, laptop balanced on his knees and Cleopatra curled up under his left elbow. She occasionally swatted at him with a dainty paw and he’d hiss in irritation, but still give into her desire to be petted. She always had a knack for finding the pushovers.

Lisa was pressed up against the doorway into the kitchen, stirring her coffee. She seemed to be unaware it had gone tepid, as her attention was drawn to the other two nearby. And with good reason.

The pressurized atmosphere in the apartment hadn’t eased since Griffin and Nikki had stepped over the threshold. While Amsterdam had exchanged pleasantries with the others, Griffin had put himself a noticeable distance away from the group, practically adhering himself to the window. He glared out at the street, jaw set so firmly Amsterdam was concerned about his teeth cracking.

Nikki had taken to pacing. At first it was a light amble through the rooms, first to the kitchen for a drink, then to the bookshelves, and back to the dining table in some semblance of a lap. And while Griffin so adamantly ignored her, Nikki was having trouble reciprocating his attitude. Every other glance was in his direction, but they weren’t of longing or concern. The heat in her stare could fracture glass.

John just hoped she could hold off on causing any structural damage.

“Ah, what was I saying?” He said, looking over to Lisa.

“Something about a diary you read?” She answered, taking a sip of her coffee and scowling into the mug.

“Right, yes.” He reached across the table and picked up the small book. “It isn’t exactly award winning literature, but there was one mention of something I believe might be important.” Lifting his gaze to Nikki, he caught her eye. “Would you mind recounting your conversation with Doctor Oliver again? I know it must be difficult but-”

“No, that’s alright,” Nikki said. Slowing her gait, she retold the sequence of events. She explained everything about the medicine Doctor Oliver had given her, and his association with both Nicholas Bradley and Alexander Rex. She described how he’d spoken to her, how scarily intense he’d been, and what he’d called her.

“I’m sorry,” John stopped her, pen scribbling across the page of his notes. “Could you repeat that?”

Nikki paused mid-stride. “He called me a Luminari,” she said. “And he said something about a fire or a blaze… Something like that.”

Underlining a portion of his notes, John nodded. The little girl had almost gotten the name right, she had just misheard the other Hunters. They hadn’t called the man Luminous, they had called him by his proper title- a Luminari.

“I see. Thank you, please continue,” he urged.

Nikki finished by telling him about going back to the office and Doctor Oliver finding her there.

“Is that when you were cut?” John asked, nodding to her bandaged hand.

If he had thought the tension in the room had been uncomfortable before, now it was almost unbearable. Griffin, who had been silent and unmoving throughout the exchange, tilted his head, casting a sharp glance at Nikki. Sensing the stare, Nikki’s shoulders stiffened but for once she didn’t look his way. Instead she ran her thumb over the white gauze and shook her head.

“No, that… That happened later,” she murmured.

Hazel eyes shifting between the two, Amsterdam gave a final duck of his head. “Oh.”

Nikki cleared her throat and started to pace again. “Um, but right after Doctor Oliver called me a Luminari, and said all those things, he uh… he shot himself. He was rambling about his Master- Rex, I think. He said he had failed him, which is why he killed himself… At least, that’s how it seemed.”

“This Rex guy sounds like a cult leader,” Boz interjected, gaze never leaving his computer screen.

“Many Alphas have that kind of influence over their Familiars,” John said. “They call it ‘Breaking them in.’” He curled his lip at the phrase.

Boz halted his keystrokes. “That is sufficiently disgusting.”

“Agreed,” John said. “It’s sadistic, but unfortunately it still has the desired effects, which is why they still do it.”

“Effects, like?” Nikki asked.

“Unyielding loyalty and devotion, an overwhelming desire to serve and be praised, and complete disregard for their own lives. It’s codependency amplified to a thousand.”

Nikki turned, starting another lap past the dinette bar. “And people just sign up for this brainwashing willingly?”

“Not exactly,” John said. “Most of the time it starts as a simple relationship, romantic or platonic. Then it progresses into a more complicated donor and receiver scenario, and from there Familiar and Master. But the emotional and psychological bonds that are made are strong, not because of mutual trust and affection, but because of the hyper vigilance that comes from the fear of wronging your Master- a Vampire with the power to hurt you or anyone else you ever loved. It’s abuse.”

Nikki slowed again, frowning. “So they’d rather do everything their Master asks of them than leave,” she said. “That’s why Oliver killed himself. He was terrified of what Rex would do if he found out he’d said too much.”

John nodded. “Exactly.”

Over Nikki’s shoulder, Amsterdam noticed Griffin shift his weight and tighten his arms across his chest. It was the second crack in his statuesque façade, and John wondered if he might be nearing the end of his stamina for a standoff.

Cutting her pacing short, Nikki strode over to the table and lowered herself in the nearest chair. “You know, despite what Doctor Oliver did… I think I actually feel…” She blinked down at her wounded palm. “Sympathy, I guess. Rex manipulated him until he was a husk of a man. I don’t condone his actions, but I think I understand why he did it.”

“Don’t give him too much credit,” Griffin said, voice rough, still gazing out the window. “Familiars always get something out of it. Money, status, sex… They get as much as they give.”

Nikki jutted her chin up. “I’m not giving him a free pass,” she said tersely. “But I can’t blame one human for what Rex and Bradley set into motion. He was just following through-”

“With plans to kill you,” Griffin cut in. “Sure, Rex was a manipulative bastard, but Doctor Oliver didn’t go into it blind either. He knew what he was doing.”

“Yeah, but you saw him. You saw what he was like the moment we started interrogating him. He was about to crack any second, we just happened to be the ones to apply the pressure.”

“And I also saw the demented joy in his eyes when he saw how scared you were,” Griffin said, turning to face her. “He got his rocks off playing Igor to Rex’s Frankenstein, he wasn’t a helpless victim.” Something more than anger flashed in Griffin’s eyes before he added, “Not everyone is worth bleeding for Nikki.”

Twisting in her seat, Nikki stared at him. “What the hell does that mean?”

Griffin gestured to her hand. “It means you shouldn’t take on the world with a fucking box cutter.”

Nikki scoffed bitterly. “That’s what this is about? Jesus, you’re acting like I used the damn thing on you.”

“You can’t go around acting like everyone’s worth saving,” he snapped, shoving away from the window. “Doctor Oliver was a twisted man who wanted nothing more than to see you suffer, but you’re sitting here sympathizing with him.”

“Okay, fine, so my opinion of one person is misguided. But that doesn’t explain the scorpion that crawled up your ass.”

Griffin’s brows furrowed as he pulled up short. “Excuse me?”

“I’m talking about the attitude you’ve had since we left Doctor Oliver’s office,” Nikki retorted. “I’m sorry your male ego was bruised by having a girl come to help you, but do me a favor and get over it.”

“That’s not what this is about and you know it.”

“No, I don’t,” she exclaimed. “I don’t know anything because you’ve refused to talk to me all day. I came back for you-”

“Nobody asked you to Nikki,” Griffin shouted, taking several strides forward. “Nobody told you to slice open your hand like a freakin’ martyr.”

“There were too many of them,” Nikki yelled. “You needed help.”

Griffin’s huge frame towered over her as he came closer. “I told you to run.”

Launching out of her seat, Nikki countered, “I wasn’t going to abandon you there.”

“That’s exactly what you should have done,” he bellowed. “I told you to leave, but you couldn’t listen, could you? You’re so stubborn you couldn’t let someone else tell you what to do, even if it was to save your life.”

“I knew what I was doing, I knew the risks-”

“No you didn’t, otherwise you would have done what I’d told you.”

“You could have died,” she shouted. “It was my decision to come back. It was my choice.”

“And your idiotic choice led to this.” Griffin crowded her, gripping her arm and holding up her injured hand. “What are you gonna do Nikki? Sacrifice your whole hand next? Your arm? Are you gonna bleed out on the floor next time? Where does it end?”

Nikki wrenched her arm out of his grasp. “You’re not gonna get me to say I’m sorry,” she snapped. “I’m not. I’m not sorry for coming back for you.”

Griffin sneered. “Then I guess I overestimated your IQ.”

Blue irises flashed light gold, and Griffin felt the heat from her glare blast over his skin.

“You’re an ass,” Nikki said, voice sharp with disdain.

Leaning down, Griffin held her gaze. “Happy you came back for me now?”

Confusion flicked across her stare before it was washed out in another wave of fury. Pulling herself up to her full height, Nikki stepped forward, nearly putting herself chest to chest with him.

“How dare you,” she snarled. “How dare you try to twist this around? I have two Alphas blocking me into a corner, ticking off my list of choices one by one, and you’re gonna try to make me feel shitty for exercising what little free will I have left? I don’t care what the hell kind of motives you have, you will not stand there and degrade the choices I make, just because they piss you off.”

A muscle ticked in Griffin’s jaw as he glowered in silence. Nikki could feel the small puffs of air as he exhaled, and her skin grew taut from the heat radiating off of him. Her heart slammed against her ribs in an uncomfortable rhythm.

For only half a moment something broke in Griffin’s stare, exposing a deep sorrow that Nikki barely had a chance to register before it was hidden beneath renewed derision. He smirked, and the cold mockery of it stung her.

“If you’re waiting for an apology, you’ll be waiting there all night,” he said.

This wasn’t him. This wasn’t the Griffin she knew.

But that didn’t make his words hurt any less.

“Go to hell,” she snapped, shoving past him.

Nikki caught the bewildered expression on Boz’s face as she planted herself on the opposite side of the room next to the window. He had stopped typing, and now could only frown at the back of his friend’s head.

Pressing her shoulder into the cold glass, Nikki glanced back at Griffin. He stood rigid, still planted where they’d been arguing. She saw the muscles of his back work underneath his shirt as he took a very deep breath and as he released it his shoulders slumped.

Amsterdam’s gaze narrowed on Griffin’s face, and a similar look of bewilderment as Boz’s etched his features.

Straightening, Griffin headed towards the entryway closet. “I need some air,” he muttered, yanking his coat off the peg. “I’m going for a walk.”

Nikki flinched when the door shut behind him, even though he hadn’t slammed it. She was hyper aware of everything every sound, every movement.

Every absence.

Hugging her arms around her abdomen, she turned to look out at the gray oppressive sky hanging over the city. In her peripheral vision she noticed the growing halo of condensation on the window around her shoulder.

And then the lights flickered.

* * *

Griffin shoved through the building’s exit and strode out onto the sidewalk at full speed. He sucked down each breath like a drowning man. Immense pressure constricted around him. His chest was seconds away from concaving, it had to be. There was no way his ribcage could support that kind of weight.

He did it. Like making a child afraid of fire so they’d never play near the stove, he had shown Nikki the consequences of risking everything for someone like him.

And now he was left with a pack of howling dogs trapped in his head and impending suffocation.

Serena’s voice curled around him like smoke. Good job lover. You chucked her off your sinking ship real fast. Too bad there’s no room on the life raft for you…

Blinking away the sting of tears, he started to cross the street when he heard his name called out from behind him.

“Griffin!” Boz shouted over the noise of the traffic.

“I don’t want to talk, Boz,” he answered, refusing to look at his friend.

“Griffin, stop.” Boz had caught up to him, grabbing him by the shoulder. “You need to come back-”

“No, Boz.”

“Griffin,” Boz yelled, pulling him around by his coat. “Nikki fainted again.” He gave a final tug before darting back towards the building. “C’mon!”

And then the crushing weight around him was replaced with flames. He ran after Boz, careening up the stairs and back into Amsterdam’s apartment.

John was knelt at Nikki’s head, checking her pulse, while Lisa brought him his medical bag.

“What happened?” Griffin gasped, throwing his coat off and crouching next to Nikki’s limp body.

“One second she was fine, and the next she was going tim-ber,” Boz explained, waving a hand out.

“She was fevered a moment ago, now she’s ice cold,” John said, cupping his palm under Nikki’s chin. He closed his eyes, focusing on her breathing. “There’s something wrong with her respiratory system. I think she’s hyperventilating.”

Griffin scowled. “What?”

“Do you hear that?” John asked, glancing up at him. “She’s inhaling too rapidly.”

Nikki’s chest rose and fell like she was keeping double time on a bass drum and each exhale came out as a small whimper. Inching closer, Griffin took her left hand and winced at the frigid temperature.

“Nik, can you hear me?” He gently rubbed her fingers between his palms to warm them. “Hey, you’re okay. Everything’s alright, you’re gonna be fine.”

“We should move her to the couch,” John said, looking to Griffin.

He nodded and wound his arms under her knees and behind her head. “I’ve got her,” he said, standing with ease.

Lisa ducked around them, stacking several throw pillows at one end of the sofa. “Here,” she said, directing him.

Laying her down with care, Griffin cradled Nikki’s head, adjusting her position so her neck wasn’t at an uncomfortable angle.

From behind hem Boz asked, “Shouldn’t we take her to the hospital?”

“They wouldn’t know what to do,” John told him. “Most doctors aren’t schooled in Blooded Hunter physiology.”

“But neither are we.” Boz motioned to Nikki and frowned. “I mean, not in her case at least. This is something none of us have ever seen.”

“But at least here there aren’t civilian doctors who will get suspicious,” Lisa said to him as she passed.

“I should check her vitals again,” John said to Griffin. “Her breathing changed.”

“Again?” Boz asked, moving to stand at Griffin’s shoulder.

“And she feels feverish,” John added as he pulled a stethoscope from his bag.

Griffin frowned. “This didn’t happen last time,” he told him.

John shifted the end of the instrument over Nikki’s chest. “Her condition is worsening.”

Boz narrowed his stare on him. “Condition?”

John faltered and shook his head. “Ah, just whatever it is that’s causing this.”

“Is it her gift?” Lisa asked from several paces back.

“I’m not sure.” John pulled a penlight from the bag and lifted Nikki’s right eyelid, checking the dilation of her pupils. “She doesn’t appear to have a concussion, but…” He paused, with his thumb still holding open her eye. “Something neurological is definitely going on.”

Griffin’s face went momentarily slack as he stared. John was right. Nikki’s natural sapphire blue irises had been replaced with an iridescent pale gold. But what made Griffin’s skin prick with goosebumps was the preternatural swirling of gold, green, and white around her pupil like a whirlpool.

“Whoa,” Boz breathed, leaning down to witness it for himself. “That’s… so not normal.”

“I would have to agree with you,” John said.

“Alright, so what do we do?” Griffin asked, staying knelt by Nikki’s side.

John held his gaze for a moment. “We wait.”

“That’s it?” Griffin felt an angry knot twist low in his gut. “There’s nothing else?”

“She’s unconscious because of supernatural reasons, Griffin,” John said patiently. “There are no smelling salts for this kind of thing.”

Clenching his teeth, Griffin looked away, locking his eyes on the corner of the sofa’s arm rest.

John began slowly packing his medical bag. “You couldn’t have known,” he whispered. “Feeling guilty won’t do you any favors.”

Griffin couldn’t meet the man’s gaze. Guilt wasn’t the only addition to his list of self-loathing.

“I’ll be right back,” John said, standing up.

Shifting to sit on the edge of the couch, Griffin angled himself to give Nikki as much room as he could. With trembling fingers he reached out, gingerly lifting Nikki’s hand to cradle it in his. The room grew quiet, but he was still aware of the eyes on him. He didn’t care.

Boz lowered himself onto the corner of the coffee table, leaning forward to press his elbows into the tops of his thighs. He wrung his hands in silence for a long time before he finally spoke.

“What was that back there?” He asked with a hushed voice.

Griffin’s shoulders went rigid. “What?”

“The two forces of nature colliding in Amsterdam’s living room,” Boz said, gesturing. “Buddy, that argument was…” He shook his head. “What were you doing, man?”

Griffin’s jaw worked like he was chewing on words, deciding if he should spit them out.

Huffing out an irritated sigh, Boz straightened a fraction. “Alright,” he muttered. “We don’t have to talk, that’s fine. But if anybody in this room deserves an explanation-” He pointed to Nikki. “It’s her.”

Scrubbing his palms on his knees, Boz stood up and went to the table where he’d moved his laptop and settled in amongst Amsterdam’s books and papers.

A glass of water appeared on the table a moment later and he glanced up to see Lisa staring at him.

Arching a dark brow, she motioned to the glass and said, “That’s not for you.”

Jerk was implied in her warning glare before she walked back into the kitchen, leaving him relatively alone. His thumb swept over the back of Nikki’s hand as he watched her eyes dance behind her lids.

It felt wrong, being the one to offer her comfort in her state of unconsciousness. Griffin thought about leaving again. The tension his presence created was like shrink wrap clinging to every edge and surface in the apartment. He wanted to explain, wanted to tell them in broken syllables of declaration why he’d acted so horribly.

No-no, you don’t understand. I love her. I love her but she needs better. I can’t- I can’t be with her. She deserves more-

Nikki’s hand clamped down around his fingers, her nails digging into his skin. Shaky breaths passed over pale lips, brows furrowing in response to subconscious signals.

In a nearly inaudible whisper, Griffin said, “You’re alright, Nik. You’re-”

Her grip tightened, cutting off the circulation to his fingertips. He winced but didn’t pull back.

“Nikki, it’s okay. You’re safe,” he murmured. “I’m here. I came back. I’m not leaving.”

The words tumbled out in a flurry without consent. A flush crept up his neck, but he couldn’t sense anyone was staring at him, so if they had heard, they were at least giving him the courtesy of pretending they hadn’t.

Nikki’s hold on him loosened but her nails were still blunt against the back of his hand.

Frowning at her reaction, Griffin whispered, “I won’t leave… If you don’t want me to.”

She exhaled and it sounded like a sigh.

A relieved sigh.

Oh fuck, he thought, staring down at her. I’m in this now, aren’t I?

Griffin looked down at the red crescent shapes along his knuckles, something unidentifiable swelling in his chest.

I’m in deep.

[sumofmanythings]

Must We Always Take the Blame? (Toxic Masculinity and Violence)

Easter Sunday a man by the name of Steve Stephens murdered Robert Godwin, Sr., live on Facebook.   This murderer randomly targeted Mr. Godwin and made him say the name of a woman who we later discovered was his ex, before shooting him dead.  The entire act was shown live on a now deleted Facebook video.  This man, who ironically works as a case manager with a children’s behavioral health agency, went on a rant and proceeded to blame his ex for his actions.  His ex is in protective custody and committed suicide this morning.  Many people ponder why someone would do such a heinous act. Many believe he is mentally ill but I’m just not buying it.  To make matters even worse, there are quite a few who blame his ex-girlfriend.  I cannot tell you how disgusted I have been reading the comments on social media.  It’s easier to blame this on a mental illness than address the elephant in the room.

Toxic Masculinity…

Toxic masculinity is the socially constructed and widely disseminated perception of men as dominant, violent, and controlling of the feminine. This type of masculinity sets men up to hate women, fear the LGBTQ community, and harbor an especially violent and vehement hatred for Trans women and gay men of color.  The prevalence of toxic masculinity does not imply that all men are inherently violent. In fact it suggests the opposite: that men (or anyone of any other gender) are inherently neutral, and social and cultural conditioning creates violent men. This version of masculinity is unemotional, sexually aggressive, and heterosexual by default. As Amanda Marcotte writes, "it is a specific model of manhood geared toward dominance and control." It is everywhere we look, yet it is rarely named or explicitly discussed as cause for our social ills. Toxic masculinity is closely tied to rape culture, homophobia, gun violence, and domestic abuse. – Emily Price (Toxic Masculinity: Why aren’t we talking about this epidemic and its role in violent crimes? Xojane.com 6.24.2016)

These are just a few of the women murdered at the hands of ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands in the past few months.  Just last week in Chicago, a judge was murdered and it was revealed today that his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend is being charged. According to reports, the suspect stalked the girlfriend for several weeks before the attack.

CALL A THING A THING…

"This toxic idea of masculinity, therefore, pressures men to view women as inferior, perceive sex as an act of conquest, and see violence as a way to establish dominance over others. Toxic masculinity isn’t only harmful because it condones only one way for men to behave; it also contributes to domestic violence by leading men to believe that they must establish dominance over women, and that they can do so through violence. Toxic masculinity hurts male domestic violence survivors as well. When men experience domestic violence, they often face very little support and resources. Toxic masculinity keeps men in perpetual fear that they might seem soft, weak, or emotional. It stigmatizes men who cry, denigrates men as “pussies” if they show emotion, and teaches men from a young age that it’s not manly to show weakness. As a result, male survivors of domestic violence are unlikely to report their assault, and even if they do report, they are often not taken seriously by the authorities—especially if the perpetrator was a woman. In this way, both men and women can be victims of domestic violence, and both men and women are hurt by unrealistic and violent standards of masculinity"  -- The Harvard Crimson 9/22/2016

There is a pattern in this case that doesn’t involve mental illness; it involves men who are narcissistic and driven by a deep hatred for women and the need to control them.  It is the mindset of an abuser and a predator.  According to domesticviolence.org, there are several common characteristics among batters, they are controlling, manipulative, often see themselves as victims and believe that men have a pre-ordained right to be in charge of all aspects of a relationship.  It’s all about power and control and it’s not always physical. Batterers use sexual abuse, verbal abuse, psychological and emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, economic abuse and social abuse to control the people they are in relationship with. Domestic violence happens frequently with 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men who have been victims of physical violence by an intimate partner.  Over 1500 women are killed each year by husbands or boyfriends. The consequences of leaving an abusive partner can be deadly.  Those are alarming numbers!!!  For those who survive, they often live a life of fear, constantly wondering if they are being stalked or wondering if they will ever be truly safe. The court system offers little to no comfort, as abusers frequently ignore orders of protection.     Abusers are rarely penalized for their actions because society looks at domestic violence as a personal issue. In addition, many do not understand how a person could allow someone to manipulate and control them in that manner. So instead of compassion, there is plenty of judgement and disdain for victims of abuse.

We let abusers off the hook and blame their victims instead.

"Abuse is not an accident. It doesn’t happen because someone was stressed out, drinking or using drugs. Abuse is an intentional act that one person uses in a relationship to control the other. Abusers have learned to abuse so they get what they want. It may be physical, sexual, emotional and psychological. They often have low self-esteem and do not take responsibility for their actions, frequently blaming the victim for causing the violence."  -- Domesticviolence.org

A Culture of Victim Shaming

Chris Brown beats Rihanna and I see meme’s cracking jokes about it and then the slew of questions like, “well what did she do to make him so upset”? Evelyn Lozada gets head-butted by Chad Ochocinco and the victim blaming continues, “well she fights with women on that show, so you know…Karma?”, Columbus Short and his now ex-wife have a domestic incident and celebrities such as D.L. Hughley slam her for “messing up his money and putting their business out in the street”. Floyd Mayweather serves time for domestic abuse then “slut shames” his ex on social media posting information about her abortion and we laugh about it. The first video of Ray Rice dragging his now wife out of an elevator unconscious had folks like Stephen Smith say women should be careful not to provoke a man to attacking her. Solonge attacks Jay Z and men and women mock him for being a punk for not hitting her back? Ceelo green tweets comments about rape saying is it rape a woman can’t remember? Sandra Bland is murdered and people question why she felt the need to “speak up” to police.  Now this, a man has murdered another human being and I see “She should have just called him” or “she should have slept with him”.

Seriously?

I’ve seen some of the most ignorant statements regarding the horrific murder of Robert Godwin, Sr., but none more disturbing than the idea that somehow his girlfriend could have stopped this crime from occurring simply by “calling him” or “giving him some”.   When dealing with an abusive individual, there is no pleasing them. You can do everything they ask and still find yourself in harm’s way.  Abuse is the act of controlling another person and exercising power over them and it doesn’t stop when you “do what they want”.  I know from experience.  I spent 10 years of my life walking on eggshells, trying to be the “perfect wife” for someone who sought to silence and control me.  Even when I left, it didn’t end. The threats, the intimidation, and the manipulation continued. Quite honestly, 8 years later, I still deal with this.  My life has never been the same. This is my “new normal”.    There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think he may “pop up” or “reappear”.   They (abusers) act like their actions are acts of love but they only want you to return so they can control and manipulate you again.  It’s never about wanting you; it’s about the desire to control another person’s life. The idea that this woman could have prevented anything is absolutely insane and ignorant.  The fact that this murder specifically said, “Say her name because she is the reason this is happening to you” lets me know that this man was completely sound in his decision. It’s an ultimate act of manipulation; he wants her to think that this is all her fault and that she made him do this. In his final act of manipulation and control, he leaves his girlfriend with the lasting idea that, ALL OF THIS WAS HER FAULT!   It's the ultimate act of cowardice from the mind of a narcissist.   The fact that there are men and women who actually perpetuate this ridiculous idea is disgusting!  He made a conscious decision to end an innocent man’s life because he lost control and power.  HE DID THIS! NO ONE ELSE IS TO BLAME!

When does it end?

When do we deserve the right to exist as we are and be looked at with some humanity? Where arethe men defending our right not to be hit, our right not to beaten, our right not to have our bodies violated against our will, our right not to be violated and publically humiliated? Why are we telling our daughters, how not to get raped or abused (as if there is such a thing) instead of teaching our sons to not rape and not abuse?    Why are we constantly telling women how emotional we are instead of teaching men how to manage their emotions?    WHERE ARE YOU?  When did it become the norm to blame the victims instead of the perpetrators?  The current trend of “victim bashing” pushes more and more victims in the closet to suffer in silence. Victim Shaming takes the focus away from the real problem…the abuser. 

We really need to do better. It’s time to address the idea that toxic masculinity and violence are deeply related. That’s the real issue we should be discussing.   Victims of abuse of any kind aren’t ripping the hearts from family’s across this county, Toxic Masculinity is, and if we don’t teach our sons and change our mindsets about what being a man is all about, this horrific cycle will continue and more lives will be forever changed for the worse. 

It’s time to deal with the real….TOXIC MASCULINITY CAN BE DEADLY.

Until next time,

Take care of yourselves and one another

D. Sanders