#stillnotcorry

[writerinturmoil]

My ADHD Journey

Growing up, I never suspected that I had ADHD. My sister has it, and since she has an obvious presentation of it, she got diagnosed decades before I did. Also, my symptoms are nothing like hers. They're more subtle and unusual. Add autism to the mix, and it's no wonder that I got overlooked.

The first time I suspected that I had it was when I watched “The Science of ADHD Medication” by the Sci Guys. Many of the symptoms and traits discussed in this episode resonated with me. Even though the warning bells clanged loudly in my head, I ignored them. Instead, I tried to meld my specifically ADHD symptoms into autistic ones, even if this required copious amounts of ingenuity and slight of hand. I'd always come up with some reason why I didn’t have it.

“Oh, I can't possible have ADHD because I’m organized, and I always arrive at places on time.”

The big revelation came a few months later when I watched “adhd: just stop being disabled, i guess?” by stillnotcorry. When he said that people with ADHD function at the extremes, either arriving extremely early or late to places, the wall of denial finally shattered into a million pieces.

I always arrive at places ridiculously early, sometimes over an hour early, because I have of a fear of being late. Hours before leaving the house, I enter into panic mode. Every five minutes or so, I’ll look at the clock. I'm afraid that hours will slip away from me if I don't do so. Also, I'll gather all of the items that I need to bring with me and place them next to me, visible and tangent. Getting work done while in such a panicked state proves difficult because I'm constantly reminding myself what time I must depart. A reminder that plays on repeat like a broken record in my head. A reminder that blocks out all other thoughts and cares, including those that deal with bodily functions and survival.

After the wall of denial had fallen and the dust had settled, I thought about all of the other ADHD related symptoms I have. Ones that plague me constantly.

First, I struggle with executive dysfunction, which is also a sign of autism. One experience I heard many with ADHD relate is the inability of getting out of bed in the morning. I also find this a challenge but hadn’t realized it at first because I had unconsciously set up a sleep routine that accommodated for it. I go to bed early enough so that I wake up fifteen to twenty minutes before the alarm. This extra time gives my body plenty of time to start moving and functioning correctly.  

When I don’t wake up and sleep until the alarm goes off, I find it difficult to move. I can’t get my body to follow the commands that my brain sends. I have to literally throw myself off the bed. A violent act that always results with me face down on the floor, mummified in my blankets.

Second, I have issues with working memory. If I go to the kitchen for a glass of water, I may forget what I wanted by the time I get there. I will stand in the middle of the room and try to logic the reason for my jaunt. If I see a pile of dishes or an overflowing bin, I’ll assume that my goal. My workaround is to repeat my intention until I achieve it. “I need water. Water is what I need. I need nothing but water. Water is refreshing, water is delicious!”

Third, I can’t sit still. Since a kid, I would bounce my leg, sway from side to side, or get up from my seat whether it was appropriate to do so or not. This behavior drove my grandma crazy. I can still hear her in my head: “Sit still already! Do you have fire ants in your pants or something?” 

In school, when I couldn’t sit still for another moment or I’d combust, I’d pretend that I needed to use the toilet. With hall pass in hand, I’d journey to the furthest restroom possible to prolong my freedom. Once I arrived, if no one else was in there, I would expend some energy by dancing to a song in my head or doing a few jumping jacks. Luckily, nobody walked in on me.

At restaurants, my family and friends are used to me getting up at random moments to wander around the establishment for a bit. Sometimes, I may even just stand up and sway. I’m sure the patrons give me funny looks, but I don’t notice them. I only pay attention to the reactions of my family and friends. If they seem fine with it, which they usually are, I continue with my swaying. If they don’t seem comfortable with it, then I go for a wander. 

At the cinema, I usually get a seat in the back row, so I can stand up and sway whenever I want.  Also, I never go during peak times or on weekends. I enjoy nearly empty theaters with only a handful of patrons in attendance. If it’s too crowded, I become easily distracted by the sounds of coughing, shuffling feet, and talking; by the smells of body odor, perfume, and concession food; and by the sight of people’s heads, arms, and cellphones. 

Last, I tend to space out, especially when I’m watching a movie or having a conversation. My brain will get bored or distracted and begin contemplating other things. Sometimes, I’ll see an object or hear a word, and my brain will associate it with another object or word. Either of these associations can get me sidetracked onto a different topic. And down the rabbit hole I go. The world fades from my consciousness as my brain becomes completely obsessed and absorbed in this new topic. When I remember that I was watching a movie or having a conversation, the world snaps into reality once more. Usually, only a few seconds have passed, but in those few seconds, the movie had moved on to another plot point, or the conversation had steered unto another talking point. I’m left completely in the dark and utterly baffled as to what the hell is going on.

After accepting the fact that I most likely had ADHD, I decided to get assessed. At the time, I had the option of getting one at the same place where I was in the process of getting an ASD assessment, but the price deterred me. It cost $800!

After doing a bit of research, I went with Envision ADHD Clinic that only charged $640. After the assessment, the doctor diagnosed me with combined type ADHD on 29 September 2023. 

In hindsight, I should’ve spent the extra money. I didn’t get on with the doctor, and he seemed big on curing or alleviating any and all ADHD symptoms with supplements, diet, and exercise. Additionally, he wanted me to get an expensive blood test, and I refused. I already get a yearly checkup, and the only supplement I need is an iron pill.

He also didn’t start me on any medication. That would require four to five appointments, each one costing $199 a pop! Um…Excuse me?! Who has that kind of money? I’d already wiped out most my savings to pay for the ASD and ADHD assessments. I couldn’t afford to shell out any more. 

At the time, I decided to wait until I could find a place that took my insurance. I didn’t worry about finding a place this year because I’ve been preoccupied with top surgery. I did start the search during my recovery, and I believe I’ve found such a place. After the holidays, I plan to make an appointment. 

I’m just a bit afraid that I’ll need to get reassessed because that doctor was definitely a quack. Well, I guess that I’ll just have to wait and see how it goes.

If I do go on ADHD medication, I don’t want to get prescribed a stimulant. I avoid caffeine and any stimulant medication because it makes me feel jumpy and paranoid. Also, it seems to make my autism stronger and more powerful. I’d rather get prescribed either Qelbree or Wellbutrin. I think the latter would really help me with my frequent dark moods and sense of helplessness. Those days when I feel like *“all things fall apart; the centre cannot hold”.

Well, that’s all I have time for today. Until next time, take care and stay curious.

*“The Second Coming” by William Butler Yeats

Sources:

“The Science of Medication”

Sci Guys

15 January 2023

“adhd: just stop being disabled, i guess?”

stillnotcorry

25 August 2023