#still worried for my mom’s house
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Good news! Milton has downgraded to a category 3!! There will still be damage, and my home is still in an evacuation zone (because it is in a flood zone), but this is certainly better than a cat 5.
#so relieved#still worried for my mom’s house#but hopefully#any damage shouldn’t be so hard to recover from#thank you Jesus 🙌#:’’)#milkymurmurs
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i want ice cream. do i get ice cream.
#pros: yayyy ice cream :D will make me happy. its nondairy so i dont have to worry about that#cons: despite being almost an entire legal adult (with a history of Eating Issues) my parents still heavily control what im allowed to eat#therefore i am not allowed to eat ice cream. and my mom will probably hear me in the kitchen and freezer and Know.#and even if she doesnt say anything to me she will Know.#also idk maybe the sugar will keep me up#boycritter et al#anyways it was always insane to me when people casually mention having ice cream#like??? you guys have ICE CREAM??? in your HOUSE???? that you are allowed to eat WHENEVER YOU WANT????#the ONLY reason we have it is bc i was sick
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Didn't felt like mentioning it immediately but shoutout to my sick and twisted brain for getting so triggered by an unexpected Christmas parade that I ended up havin the absolute worst panic attack of my entire life (potentially the only real one? I've had a couple other episodes I thought of as panic attacks but they were not even close to that so who knows) to the point where I spent the very last day of my 30th year on this earth in the ER, good times, good times 😊
#that was 10 days ago and i honestly was fine immediately after it ended so don't worry for me <3#but yeah this shit was crazy holy hell#like i knew intellectually that 'feeling like you're dying' is a symptom of a panic attack but *actually* feeling it is another thing...#and even at the worst i was like 'ok i'm clearly having a panic attack it's not nice but it's gonna be ok'#but there was a piece of my brain that was like 'ok but what if your mom or grandma had told themselves that...'#'when they were having heart attack? They would have died and so will you 😊'#and i was like shit can't argue with that better get my ass to the hospital before i die#spoiler alert: i didn't died#ironically enough the revolting state of our healthcare system is lowkey what helped me calmed the fuck down#because i was tiny but i do remember when my mom had her heart attack and they sure as hell didn't let her wait for 7h+#so when i realized that this is what was gonna happen after i spent a brief moment with a nurse i was just like...oh i'm fine actually lol#and then i had to go take the bus in my fake crocs that i usually never wear outside of the house smh#interestingly enough my phobia of hospital seems to have competely disappear! which makes me believe that it was more a trauma response#than an actual phobia#not that the name changes that much but still interesting development#also no i'm not wearing a mask because nobody gave me one#that's actually one of the thing that made me leave lmao#oh and btw the christmas parade is true but also a bit more complex than that#basically i had a full sleepless night and i was mad so i decided to go buy myself some weed#turned out that there was a huge christmas parade 5 minutes away from the weed store so i hade to find another way#and then i got lost on the way back#and saw no less than 3 big fights between different homeless people#including one man randomly kicking another man's dog (which kinda really messed with me tbh)#and then i smoked a big joint (first one in like 10 days) with 0 sleep and zero food in my body#and then i took the bus#and then the bus driver yelled at an elderly man for not waiting at the right place#and then i took a sip of water and for some truly strange reason my brain decided that the water had gone in my lungs#and that i was actively drowning#and the rational part of me was like...girl that's not what drowning feels like what are you even talking about??#and then my brain went 'well if we're not drowning than we're having a heart attack'
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I am a descendant of Ranthia Drahl, Queen of Embers. She is with me now and I am not afraid. My friends are behind me, and I will protect them. My friends are with me and I am not afraid. My friends are with me and I am not afraid.
My friends are with me and I am not afraid.
#SPOILER ALERT IN TAGS#House of Earth and Blood#Crescent City#Sarah J. Maas#Throne of Glass#The Assassin’s Blade#Lehabah#Bryce Quinlan#Aelin Galathynius#Sam Cortland#book quote paralells#CC HOEAB#first read along with me reacts no spoilers please currently reading and losing it#BRYCE IS THE HORN#I KNEW DANIKA DIDNT DO IT but this is so bad still he made her and she tried so hard#one by one the angels rose to their feet hand to their heart the only salute they could go#embers like our Queen like Bryce’s mom like fire… wanting to walk worlds again another note that feels like something… and my bb Syrinx… and#it’s giving Doby and destroying me#she was free#noooooo Lehaba was dead#HOLY SHIT SHE HAS THE CURE#the god slayer rifle I knew that had a reason#REMEMBER THAT YOU WILL DIE#fire and ice#break my heart and soul#first it was Hunt then Danika then the capture then her turning in then sis reveal then Fury Danika Bryce Syrinx Sandriel Lehabah AGAIN#I’m worried she’ll nearly die and have to take the plunge#to kill an arc angel the two extra seconds lol but then the governer cause modern fantasy#I should’ve known Maas too much so much#I was right about the witch queen and sword and agh so many things
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#medical in tags#so it's been. a day.#avoided an ER trip <3#bp was 117/91 resting. so a bit high on the diastolic (120/80 is the standard). also narrow pulse pressure.#(not enough space in between the numbers)#which on its own? whatever. usual POTS weirdness. I'm always a bit narrow (but usually much lower).#but ALSO my heart rate was resting at about 90 and I was shaky and having nosebleeds#which. kind of elevates the situation a bit. lol.#I got better after a beta blocker and intense hydrating but I had to call my mom once the nosebleed hit.#I get them randomly all the time but in conjunction with the other symptoms it was worrying.#and I got better- or at least my symptoms subsided after a beta blocker- but it's Not Good when your EMT mother is worried!#she has seen All The Things. she knows when something's an emergency and when it's just otc meds worthy.#so to hear her giving me clear orders of what to do in her EMT voice over the phone was... not good :)#anyways. doing better now but still kind of spooked.#i've been watching too much house md. i need to stop for a bit lol it makes my own medical anxiety so much worse#BUT IT'S INTERESTINGGGGGGG. on s3. i need tritter dead.
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starting to think maybe waking up with an anxiety stomachache every single morning and then needing to spend the entire day trying to get rid of said anxiety just to maybe have a few minutes in the evening of feeling relaxed before going to bed is perhaps not normal
#the first thing i do when i become conscious is check my phone to make sure nothing terrible happened to anyone i love while i slept#i never ever ever have plans and if anyone Else has plans i feel sick with anxiety until they’re back from them#if i have smth planned that week i feel completely tense and on edge until it happens#i didn’t used to be like this i hate hate hate it#i used to feel safe in my little house in the forest where i knew everyone in town and knew my way around with my eyes shut#it’s still the only place in the world i feel safe. that’s so unfair#my separation anxiety is ridiculous. if my mom goes to the store and doesn’t answer a text right away i start panicking#if my sister goes to a class or smth idk what to do with myself until she gets back#if i’m in the shower or have the fan on or headphones in suddenly i’ll think i hear someone shouting and i’ll have to quickly turn it off#ever since i moved here it’s been getting worse. i don’t feel safe here to begin with i feel so out of place it’s unreal#but then covid and trauma with my mother’s health and my uncle dying and multiple relatives getting sick and things happening to my friends#i know i have ptsd from very specific things that happened and i live on a hospital path so every day i hear sirens#and every time i do it fully triggers an anxiety attack in me for at least an hour. and my mom too#since being here my hometown burned and friends i thought would never grow apart did and my brother moved out#i know a lot of that is just Being In Your Low Twenties but also some of my worst trauma has happened in the last handful of years and now#now i’m just always scared. always uneasy. always worried. never fully relaxed. never feel fully safe. & idk how to be myself through that#i’m always paranoid and i never trust people irl anymore. ppl my mom or sister meet. i am so suspicious of them constantly.#if anything small changes at all i can’t handle it. my ability to deal with change has gone so downhill#in the last 5 years of being here i realised i was autistic which led to me unmasking a bit and that. comes with pros & cons doesn’t it#my own health has declined. my body changed a lot in ways i wasn’t prepared for and i had to get rid of most of my comfort clothes#sometimes i just wanna sit on the ground and cry about it and not have to also be the one that picks myself back up. y’know???#but at the very least i’d love to just wake up One Day w/o feeling sick with anxiety already. just one day i want to wake up feeling rested#i want to be myself again but can i start with not being scared? not being tired? i don’t know what to do anymore#i just watch my comfort videos and read my comfort fics and stay in my daydream world
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mother mothering on mother’s day 💐💖
#SHE™#I was too busy phasing into another dimension to get much footage#but what I do have!! needed to be giffed IMMEDIATELY asap rn#potato quality bc my phone is ancient as hell#ethel cain#she's singing a house in nebraska and sun bleached flies here#<-and yes I'm dead in the ground still tysm for asking#I'm bein eaten by worms and growin roots thru my stomach cavity AS WE SPEAK!!!!! girl!!!!!!#shoutout 2 the beautiful person in the faux fur coat w/the acrylics. I'm obsessed w/u bestie go off dhsjhfsdjhjfds#this show was everything 2 me.....................I need 2 see this angel live again v v soon#<333#don't worry y'all we'll be back to the regularly scheduled programming of mountain dew sweat n debauchery very soon. but.........MOM
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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sorry im gonna be an asshole but if my dad knew he couldnt take care of us with the progression of his diseases then why did he fight so hard for custody. im 20 yrs old i shouldnt still be thinking abt this but still like. a billion years of neglect the fact that he is sick is irrelevant when he knew very well that he wouldnt meet our basic needs. sorry. and now its on me to take care of 2 mostly-adult teenagers who hate my guts and still think they're 12 years old and cant go to the store. or clean. or whayever. AGHHHHHHH
#i dont know why everyone is in this dream world where we're still so young. even my dad acts like im out of line by staying somewhere other#than his house. like im 14. and again. my sisters just genuinely seem like they dont understand that theyre grown now. cant we all just tak#care of ourselves? ??#if he didnt have custody i would have hated both of them even more but at least we would have been taken care of#every time i have this conversation with him hes like 'but i cant do anything..!' he can. ive seen that he can. he works from home hes on#the god damn couch all day. most of his work days hes just on tiktok waiting for people to call him. he doesnt do much of anything. youre#telling me you cant do the dishes or go to the store just once in a while ?#and then he says like. but thats what my spouse would do for me blah blah .................. single people still manage to feed themselves#somehow/. maybe its magic. maybe im an asshole for saying this. but seriously. dont be like this and then get angry that i like staying at#my moms better. there i just have to worry about myself. and because of that im more apt to do things for other people! bc im not#burned out all the time !#this is so dumb to complain about im 20 like. shut up. but wah its just tiring after like.... 10 years. lmao
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I feel like I'm gonna fucking die
#my mom made me feel guilty about the music I listen to bc I got my sister into Paramore and our mom REALLY disapproves of Pmore#I accidentally dropped a small item down the toilet mid-flush and now I'm sick worrying what's gonna happen#i have to go to worship practice tonight and deal with an extremely difficult sound technician#youth group has been horribly stressful#i need to do a ton of work still tonight#I just found out I massively screwed up on a job app a couple weeks ago#and I just want to like. disappear for a while#just like. poof. no more Lu for a bit#I feel like Anything I do is gonna be Wrong somehow#I can't listen to music to chill bc i feel guilty ABOUT LISTENING TO MUSIC#I don't think I have the mental space to read rn bc I'm reading fricking house of leaves#if I tried to write I would probably hate what comes out#but idk that seems the most promising at this point that's the only thing I can honestly say I want to do#Lu rambles#sorry for the language I just needed to vent
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I can't be depressed, I ate vegetables two days in a row
#my mental health is in shambles lol#I haven't left my house in 4 days#i slept in until 1pm today which I haven't done in a while#the earliest i fall asleep is 2am#im fucking exhausted#it's so fucking hard to get myself to do anything#my brain won't even let me watch the Olympics even though ive been looking forward to the skateboarding competition#this shit is annoying#and it's annoying because i was so confused why this bout of depression happened#but i just got my first normal period after stopping birth control and that shit always fucks me up mentally#and my grandma just fucking died#so yeah not that surprising lol#also my girlfriend is out of town and i was supposed to go with her and it didn't work out so im sure that's not helping my brain feel okay#its just so fucking annoying because i just want to be okay with everything and not break#at least it's not the 'my brain is telling me to kill myself at all hours of the day' type of depression#but this shit still sucks and i hate it#and i don't want to talk with my girlfriend about it because i don't want her worrying about me and i want her to enjoy her time away#and i dont want to talk to my mom about it because actually i dont really know why i dont want to talk to her about it#im gonna be going back to therapy soon so hopefully that shit helps but who knows#anyway brains sucks and grief is weird and hormones are dumb and i miss my girlfriend#but hey at least my brain is letting me eat vegetables again lol#personal
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every now and then I have a dream that makes me stop and think wait am I attracted to women?? and it’s like?? idk man
#it was a series of weird dreams#first I was with my family just like…. traveling#and then my dad and brother disappeared#and my mom and I went to a ‘dollar store’ that looked more like a shabby sam’s club or hunting store or something#and got ripped off on a bag of cheese#and then I’m at some university or school and it’s#it’s like the plot of a bad tik tok romance novel#it’s got vampires and werewolves and fucked up things happening#and then I’m in a big confusing but fun house#and I’m trying to turn off the light to not disturb sabrina carpenter#(who was also the author of the book I was in?? and we’re still in kinda the book???)#and she’s like don’t worry I got it and then we fall asleep together#and then sometime later she sitting in my lap and we’re like still trying to sleep I think#but I put my hand on her waist (bare waist) (for some reason)#and then I pretend to fall asleep for real that my hand goes limp and therefore touches her more#and I remember my heartbeat getting fast in the dream#and it’s like????#am I attracted to women or am I genuinely that fucking touched starved#because that wasn’t even anything????#that was just like sharing a space and having skin contact#anyway#my brain thankfully skipped over the fucked up parts of the dream this time#instead it was skipped over and narrated/summarized to me by sabrina#so overall I’d say it was a good/interesting/fun dreaming experience#oh also the werewolves all wore green and the vampires wore red and black#and they were having like?? choreographed dance battles in the hallways??#but before that it was like more serious.#there was a vampire queen we woke up (bc at the time we were also vampires)#(idk who ‘we’ was??? it was some guy that got turned into sabrina I think)#and we woke up the vampire queen bc I was a newly turned vampire??
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At least I could disable the suggestions but just... I'm sick of it, I'm sick of companies trying to think for me
I'd rather be miserable but doing shit my own way than placid and glass eyed and just taking whatever companies tell me to
Like... literally just asking what I get out of writing a post on tumblr... zero suggestions, just letting me say whatever dumb stuff comes to my head
#the problem is that doing things my way is actually working well; it's just really slow and it's coming from a bad starting point#everything that makes me miserable was even more miserable growing up#you maybe see me and think that I'm doing really horribly; and that may be true; but I'm also truthfully at my peak right now#and frankly as much as I worry about it A LOT; I'm kinda still on the rise in a lot of ways#...I just take way too long to do things; I want to be quicker because a lot of this stuff isn't... it's not being slow and steady#it's being depressed and having trouble working on shit#but... when I do stuff my way the end result tends to be strong#I got a house in 2019 for instance... like in that economy; I feel like that counts as a pretty high roll outcome; you know?#the parts of my life I hate are all... it's like Marley in the Christmas Carol; I've got all these chains around me#and... about 80% of those chains are just my mom or my mom's choices... she blows through so much money all the time#it makes me want to die#but all that shit... it's the past haunting me and drowning me#but shit's better than it was and... I have more friends now that I did in the past; I'm closer to making money than I've been in the past#(part of it is that I kinda want to get shit stabilized in the household; be doing stuff like cooking before I try and sell shit)#(also understand that everyone in high school liked me... we just never saw each other outside of school)#(so it was a situation where I had 'friends'; by that standard everyone at school was a friend)#(but I didn't have a single person I was close with and I was totally isolated in a crowd)#(friend is just a word in english that has to cover a really really wide range of relationships)#(but these days I do have actual friends... just a shame none of us live in the same town... or even state; you know?)#(I like all the people I went to high school with; they all cared a lot and were very bad at it)#(couldn't figure out that like... just give me some company; that's a good 80% of what I'm lacking)#(...I think part of it was they were all stoners and I wasn't; so they felt like... eh... like something something)#(and when I say all stoners I mean... I think... easily 80% of the school; probably 90% and maybe higher were all stoners)#(it uh... was not an easy thing for the staff; cause they obviously all knew; but... figuring out how to best handle it)#(like hell; I wouldn't want to deal with that)#(also like 95% were smokers... you have to understand that most of these kids were rich kids)#(off the top of my head I can only think of 2 other kids who were poor... just... uh...)#(if I named the city the school was in; you'd probably be like 'oh... makes sense')#(I liked everyone there; everyone liked me... just... they were very bad at just basic stuff like spending time together)#(eh... you don't need to hear more)
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brooo i hate having Dreams That Piss You Off i woke up all pissed off at NOTHIIINNNNNGGGGG
#dreamt that my ex (platonic we were toxic besties) fucking CASED MY HOUSE#i saw him through the fucking WINDOW taking PICTURES of my FUCKING BEDROOM#shoved my hand through the blinds to flip him off and he took off running#i ripped down the blinds and slammed open the window and yelled HOW DID YOU FIND MY HOUSE#he said something like What and i yelled louder HOW DID YOU FIND MY FUCKING HOUSE. MOM FUCKING MIKE IS HERE#she came up to the window and pointed at him and said I HATE YOUR FUCKING GUTS#and i climbed out the window and he was like OH MY GOD BITCH CALM DOWN and i yelled HOW DID YOU FIND MY HOUSE#and his backup (of course he had backup) was like oh dude shes pissed and misty (WHY WAS MISTY THERE??) was like PET OMG CALM DOWN#and mike said WELL I HAD TO SNEAK! YOU ALWAYS FUCKING DO THIS YOU JUST VANISH! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW WORRYING THAT IS?!#and i yelled HOW THE FUCK DID YOU FIND MY FUCKING HOUSE!!!!!!!! YOU PIGFUCKING BASTARD!!!!!!!!! ANSWER ME#and he yelled I WENT TO THE ARMY!! I DIDNT KNOW WHERE YOU WERE BUT I KNOW YOUR LAST NAAME BITCH and i bluescreened#and he went NO ONE KNEW WHERE YOU WENT!! YOU JUST WENT CRAZY AND LEFT#and i said DON'T FUCKING BLAME THIS (GESTURING BETWEEN US) ON ME YOU FUCKING DUMPED ME#and after some more argument we wound up inside. in like. a dorm common room. me & mike sitting in separate chairs not looking at each other#and he asked how have you been. and i said Fine. How's your mom. (i have known she died for years)#and he went into how she died of cancer that he should have had her check out but he didnt bc he thought it was just her being funny again#and then into how his latest best friend died of alcohol poisoning after mike started a co-binge. and i said im so fucking sorry dude#thats so awful. and he snapped at me Why the fuck are you talking about ME thats all you ever talk about!! youre obsessed!!#and i said What the fuck are you on about and his backup was like Oh please he told us how you're obsessed with him and youre still doing it#and i looked at the backup. and i looked at mike. and i stood up and said Thats all i needed to know. fuck you both. and walked off#turned to misty and said Good to see you again. if you wanna hang out sometime I'm down. WITHOUT (pointing at mike) him.#it was. ph my fucking god. aaauhhjgh FUCK. i hope shared dreams are real i hope he heard the contempt in my voice as i told him to fuck off#and also WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT
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sometimes i wanna run away from my family AND my boyfriend.
start a new life somewhere where no one knows who tf i am.
#come home to a stressful house and get called by my stressful bf.#my brother arguing with my mom about keeping the kittens (he wants to get rid of them all now??? he doesnt even take care of them)#and the bf and i are supposed to go on vacation this weekend but it's going to be in the 70s (degrees)#and it's supposed to rain sunday#and he's bitching that it's going to be too cold to be on the beach#we're going for 5 days 🙃 only chance of rain sundau#sunday.#and he's acting like it's doing too ruin the whole vacation#it's labor day weekend you know how many people are going to be at the shore 🙃🙃🙃🙃#and my parents treat my brother like he's 15 still.#i'm about to scream#i really just wanna go on vacation by my fucking self to get away from all of.them#my mom is now worried about the racoons outside 🙃#bunch of fucking wackos i gotta deal with i can't do it any more.#ignore spelling mistakes i am livid#and it's exhausting#thisisme
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My mother confuses the fuck out of me
#i guess she's getting severance checks from her old job?#i mean fuck that's the least they could do after she worked there for 40 years#she only gets 900 a month from my dad's SSI survivor benefits#she went from saying we're struggling financially to suddenly offering to pay for shit i need#that kinda scares me because i think that means she's impulsively spending her savings. which could mean she thinks she's gonna die soon#she's 64 and my dad died at almost 63#like she helped my sister buy my niece a car. it's a 24 year old vehicle and only costed 4k and she paid 2k but 2k is a LOT to us#she said she's been saving my rent money to fix my car for the past couple of months on top of me saving for it#which means we definitely have the money to fix everything by now#but that's not happening all my tires still need to be replaced my ac doesn't work it's making clinking sounds#it stalled while i was driving the other day but turning it off and restarting it fixes it#anyway. the thing is I'm always sus about my mom offering shit.#she likes to hold shit over your head.#I'm very worried that she's gonna fix my car and then use that to control me in some way. because that's how it is every time.#but like.....it's better than not having the help. fuck.#i feel so privileged despite how broke and disabled i am. bc most disabled people dont have this to fall back on#the craziest thing is that the only reason we have this house is bc of my grandparents' inheritance#and neither of them went to college my grandpa was in the army#and my grandma only temporarily worked for jc penney as a bookkeeper#side note my 80 year old grandma was better with computers than most elderly people are today#just from that job? from what i know#when she died my family sold the family house and that's how we put the down payment on this house#which btw only costed 64k in 2012 apparently it's worth 175k now according to zillow#but like. how. i feel like my family being white and christian is the only reason we have all this privilege#i have a headache bye#.bdo
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