#still very much a work in progress but i adore that passage from the song

[naariel]

Tav?  Halsin? Do you remember that day you rescued me from the goblins? I sure do ‒ you came fighting out after me! Well, you fell on the concrete and nearly broke your ass And you were bleeding all over the place And I rushed to put healing word on you, you remember that? Yes, I do Well there's something I never told you about that night What didn't you tell me? While you were sitting in the that old temple of Selune Smoking a cigarette you thought was gonna be your last I was falling deep, deeply in love with you And I never told you 'til just now.

Home.

[artificialqueens]

Time is an illusion, but one that means a lot (Gigi/Jackie) - Thorpe

A/N: Another fic I wrote at 4 a.m. and, actually, it might be my new favourite one. Thank you to my lovely beta, Freyja, for having the patience for my whining and teaching me about time. But a girl has to have a moral spine, so it’s 9.30 and not 9:30, and the English language can suck it.

Summary: Gigi couldn’t care less about the passage of time, but Jackie cares a lot, and they’re in love, so Gigi is trying. Very domestic. Very fluffy.

Gigi barely has any concept of time. If it wasn’t for Jackie, they’d be running late on every other occasion, and that would probably be the only consistency the world could count on when it came to them. Thankfully, there’s Jackie, and it’s the consistency they’re very pleased to lean on. There’s Jackie, with his primness and properness and professionalism, and enough patience to share all of that. He’s making Gigi more mindful of the passage of time - well, he’s trying to. And Gigi knows that actions are more efficient than words when they want to make sure Jackie feels appreciated, so they’re trying, too.

They learn that between 2 and 3 a.m. Jackie is kind and patient, but above all - he’s steady on his legs when Gigi’s own get wobbly. “Careful, baby Geeg,” he says, alongside a playful jab about needing to go to the gym more if Gigi insists on being the lightweight between the two of them. Half-past Jackie is always more than o’clock Jackie, so in the early morning hours racing with dawn he’s caring and doting and adorably standing in the doorway, trying to gauge if there are more pillows needed or less pillows needed. In Gigi’s opinion, the only thing needed is him by their side, but that gets fixed pretty fast usually. 

If a 4 a.m. Jackie is missing, that’s okay. His side of bed is still warm, the coaster on his bedside table is empty, and the duvet is crumpled in an inviting way that speaks of temporarity. Not even a deviation from the norm - just a lapse that neither of them will remember in the morning. Sometimes they put an effort into staying awake until Jackie is back, a glass half filled with water in hand and lips still slightly wet when he finds his favourite place on Gigi’s head. Most of the time Gigi fails, but they still wake up in each other’s arms, so no one’s complaining, really. But if a 5 a.m. Jackie is missing, that means trouble. It makes Gigi jerk awake and fumble with the covers. There’s cold air against their shins, which makes them grimace, and smell of smoke, which makes them frown, and there’s a single source of light coming from the tip of Jackie’s cigarette, which makes them sigh and go to embrace Jackie from behind, and stay like that until he’s ready to talk. But they still prefer that to the nights when there’s no cold air and no smoke, and what they follow are the faint sounds of crying coming from the couch.

Neither of them is a morning bird. Well, that’s a stretch, and the price of trading “I” for “we” - Jackie used to be a morning bird, but he’s been enjoying it vastly less since he started associating sleeping in with waking up to Gigi’s lazy smiles. (Gigi has never been a morning bird, never aspired to be one, even, so they’re yet to find out what a 6 a.m. Jackie is like.) A 7 a.m. version of Jackie gets shushed and coaxed into laying back down with clumsy kisses and caresses. To be honest, Gigi isn’t that sure of what the most effective strategy is, because who can be sure of anything at 7 a.m., but they’re clearly doing something right, because it works. 

An 8 a.m. Jackie is a bit more assertive. He gets too hot under the sheets and another body, and he’s already checked his calendar, which serves as a good motivation. Gigi tries to draw it out. After all, a half-past Jackie is more than an o’clock Jackie, and his favourite tactics usually contain Gigi’s blood rushing south, Jackie’s lips following with just a kiss and a half of a delay. On a good day, 9 a.m. Jackie will be communicating in moans and “yes, right the- ah, oh my god, so fucking good, Gig”. And don’t get them started on a 9.30 Jackie in the shower - on the good days, of course. The best of them. 

10 a.m. Jackie seems a few hours ahead of Gigi. Or weeks. He gets pragmatic - he has his mailbox checked and his phone in hand, on a call with his agent. He’s also left Gigi their coffee on the table, and they’re slowly sipping it, following the Canadian with their eyes, wondering when did he manage to make it and whether it was before or after he got dressed. Again, no concept of time, but they’re trying. They get breakfast ready, because Jackie may be teaching them to put on a handwatch like perfumes and Instagram filters, but they’re the one teaching him to let seconds pass under the radar and find the time for himself between the minutes passing in quiet, little steps. Make it instead of minding it. Still, those are the good days.

Usually, good days are exactly the ones they’re having, but building a life together is more complicated than maths prepares you for, and one plus one equals something weirdly shaped when it’s four arms and four legs and two hearts and an unspecified integer number of quirks and habits, and it’s never odd, but making it even is not always the easiest task. So sometimes those other days happen as well. Perhaps they would happen less if Gigi could say how much the good ones mean, but there are only so many things they can be doing simultaneously, so they pick up on the restlessness that comes with quarters to, and balancing on that delicate perimeter takes up enough attention to push holding an actual conversation out of the focus. 

The restlessness is always there, buzzing under his skin, making Jackie almost vibrate as he’s responding in hums while checking if he took everything he’s going to need before leaving. It’s quieter in the mornings, unless it’s almost 11 and Jan is late to their brunch. But mostly it’s quieter, and Gigi knows that it’ll come out as purring when he makes Jackie’s tea just like he likes it quarter to breakfast, and also that a seismograph would go crazy if it was next to Jackie when his call time is in fifteen, and the staff of the venue still don’t know how to play his music. They’re figuring out how to push the right buttons, taking notice of the way Jackie’s fingers start tapping to the rhythm of the song he’s performing that night and handing him the razor, because, apparently, it’s time to shave, feeling all smug at the surprised, but impressed look they get. But it comes with time, like everything else, and that is the tricky part, obviously. 

A 12 o’clock Jackie is a delight. Corny and witty, making smart word plays and stupid puns, and always winning their playful arguments. Gigi adores him for that, even when they pretend they don’t. He’s charming and gleeful on Cameo, and it’s clear as day why everyone loves him, even though he himself has no idea. Gigi tells him sometimes, tries to explain, and he gets flustered. It’s adorable. They’re absolutely gone for Jackie, and at 12 it feels like too much, but in a good way. If they could, they would hold him tight in their arms and cover his face in kisses and play with his hair and just keep him close and never let go. They can’t, clearly, but Jackie is usually in a good mood at noon, and so they get away with a lot. 

Afternoon Jackie is still a blur. Gigi does their best at dissecting that, but it’s a work in progress. They entertain the idea that they could take a year, two, five, or ten from now, and they’d still have plenty of time to put the pieces in order. Gigi may not have much of a concept of time, but they’ve always had a clear idea when it came to what they wanted, and it’s that they get it. There are no serious promises yet and betting on stars offers only so much certainly, but they know they want Jackie, and that’s something he is very willing to give. So they take it slow, unraveling Jackie. So far they’ve discovered that when they get jealous of Jackie’s attention at 4 p.m., he’s merciless. He teases Gigi and makes them worked up, only to leave them flushed and with lips bitten, because it would kill Jackie to be late, even though it kills Gigi in the process. But then again, they guess it’s less 4 p.m., and more Jackie in general, in his devastatingly hot ways. Alright, maybe Gigi being inhumanly gone for Jackie is less of an hour thing as well. 

But his favourite Jackie is an evening Jackie. It’s 6 p.m. or 7 p.m. or 8 p.m. and he’s on the stage, loving every second of it. The crowd eats it up - it always does - and throws banknotes at him almost as effectively as Gigi. Sometimes he’s with Chelsea, sometimes with Brita, sometimes by himself, but he’s always beaming, and it makes Gigi’s heart soar. They love performing, they do, but the more time they spend with Jackie, the more they realise nothing can match the way their head spins when Jackie gets off the stage and kisses them, hard and fast, like adrenaline and sweat. They know they’re being petty, but on the nights their gigs overlap they always pout and groan that the tips better make it up to them. Gigi makes good money in clubs, but they’re yet to find out what amount of tips makes missing out on Jackie’s show worth it. They are being petty, but Jackie laughs and understands, and sometimes he can’t make it at 9 p.m., but he gets there at half past, so he’s even more encouraging, and his eyes don’t ever leave Gigi’s body for a second. A 10 p.m. Jackie is fun, chatting with his friends, his arm firmly planted around Gigi’s waist, and if it disappears, it’s never for long. An 11 p.m. Jackie starts making aunt jokes, but he really would prefer to be on his way to their bed by now. Gigi squeezes his hand and goes around saying his goodbyes, even though Jackie assures them they don’t have to. Gigi just nods and kisses him sweetly - mind already made up - sometimes adding an exaggerated, breathy plea for Jackie to take them home. And a wink, just for a good measure. 

They get home at midnight, and a 12 a.m. Jackie is as much of a cuddlebug as Gigi is in the mornings. They love it. They rush through their skincare routine, maybe skipping a step on their way, but it’s easy to excuse when as soon as they get into the bed, they’re pulled into Jackie’s arms, their legs tangling together and goodnight kisses tasting of toothpaste. Then he’s out like a light, leaving Gigi to drift away to the sound of his deep breathing. They drag the tips of their nails over Jackie’s skin, thinking of the nights Jackie doesn’t come to see him, but insist to wait for them either way, and Gigi stumbles home at 1 in the morning to find him snoring on the couch. They chuckle and make sure to take their heels off before attempting to carry Jackie to bed, because if anything - they learn from their mistakes. They’re getting better at that, but Jackie’s never woken up either way. He’s dead to the world, so he doesn’t know that after he’s snuggled up under their duvet, Gigi lays next to him and waits until their eyes get used to the darkness, so that they can trace the strands of his hair falling onto his forehead, the delicate movements of his eyelids, his cheekbones, nose, and strong jaw. His slightly opened lips. Adorable.

A 1 a.m. Gigi is in love, but that’s definitely not an hour thing.

[zuzuslastbraincell]

Katara!

KATARA KATARA KATARA

why I like them

oh god where do i even start. katara just contains so many multitudes - she's sweet and feminine and caring and attentive but she's never reduced to just that, she's never just 'the girl', she's also allowed to get mad, to be petty, to laugh at her brother, to be headstrong and stubborn, to express vulnerability, to cry and to laugh, to make ridiculous facial expressions and *be* very expressive. she's dealing with a lot of trauma not simply from the loss of her mother but that loss represents also how her tribe have been decimated by the fire nation, how she's the last waterbender, how all this pressure exists on her shoulders (but also pride, but also determination, to bring it back) and that is expressed subtly throughout the series with the same depth and love that male characters are afforded with regard to their respective traumatic experiences. and despite all this she never tries to stop making the world good? She's always pushing for change, she's always wanting to make things better, she's relentless and doesn't give up when it comes to her vision for a better world... she has such a big heart. and that coexists with a deep anger in her, and deep hurt. Not to make an ocean metaphor so early on but she's as deadly and deep as the ocean but she chooses to be kind and warm and that's so powerful.

why i don't

honnestly while katara's instincts to mother people are a sad symptom of how she was forced to grow up to soon and automaically asigns herself a role of emotional responsibility she has mixed feelings about, i know that if katara tried to mother me, i would be annoyed. but that sounds more like a me problem.

favourite episode

oh it's either the episode where she beats the fucking shit out of pakku or it's the southern raiders. the first one because it's so gratifying to see how she's grown and developed as a bender and really come into her own. the second because... god i love how *messy* the southern raiders is, and it really taps into what i love about katara - she's flawed, she runs off on an ill-thought out revenge mission with zuko, she's got a great capability for darkness as she quite seriously considers murdering a man she has every right to loathe and to kill - but she chooses against it, in the end. it would not be right for her, if not him. she chooses what's right for her in the end.

favourite season

I'm gonna be a wee bit controversial and say book 1 had the best conception of katara's arc from student to master and really saw her grow and flourish, from someone yelling at her brother' oafish prejudice to a real master, that really solidified her as an idealist and presented that as the strength that is, that showed her struggling with petty jealousy of aang's progress and had her stumble in ways that made her character comeplling and interesting - like what an introduction to her character! book 2 had some fantastic moments but i can't think of anything particularly remarkable about hee character arc - largely because it tied into aang's romantic arc i think at this point. book 3 had some absolutely fantastic moments (scam queens katara and toph!! painted lady!! southern raiders!! the final agni kai) that really shone but also book 3 lays a lot of groundwork for fanon i hate (e.g. katara as the mom friend - wish that headcanon would die tbh)

favourite line

fuck there's a lot of good ones but my underrated fave is when sokka says he's kissed a girl before but she's never met her and katara says 'Who? Gran-gran? I've met gran-gran' and it's bruuutaaall

but my favourite serious line is 'I will never ever give up on people who need me'. powerful.

favourite outfit

water tribe anything!! and i actually think her book one/book two braids are her best hair. underrated katara hair. personally she looks just adorable in her parka in the flashback to when she was like. eight.

OTP

katara/personal fulfilment

katara/happiness

katara/fulfilling her goals and dreams

katara/loving minor background character who is never named

there's some ships i like in AU situations - yuetara is actually one i lov, especially with waterbender yue, i just love the whole sea/moon thing as well as katara and yue rebelling in loud/quiet ways, being girlfriends who refuse to have their lives defined by the expectations of older men, who have a great sense of duty towards their nations and won’t let gendered expectations stop them.

and most of you know i like the messy drama of katara/azula in a lighter AU situation where they're like, school or academic rivals, and the legacy of imperialism isn’t quite so personal (and azula makes better choices, obviously), but it’s not as much as i “ship” them as i just find the potential dynamic interesting, they’re both driven by a sense of duty for their home, it’s just that means *very* different things depending if you’re SWT or FN.

none of them are OTPs though - they’re more just fun thought experiments

brotp

katara & sokka - absolutely love their sibling dynamic its amazing. both have been impacted negatively by the shit in their lives and are not always dealing with it in functional ways but theyre there for each other, through thick and thin, always have each other's backs, they roast each other and bicker and sometimes make stupid decisions and sometimes lash out but at the end of the day their love pulls through, they’re able to work past those conflicts.

katara & aang - honestly while i feel kataang was just so poorly executed in the show (listen guys I just can’t after ember island players, i know that was a bad episode, but i can’t) & i cant imagine katara wanting to leave the south pole after the war for long spells (it would have to be long distance love, lots of profound and heartfelt letters and occasional visits, if anything, but i dont know if that’s what katara wants or needs? so maybe it wouldn’t pan out?), but regardless, i really do think these two had a life-changing friendship where each really represented hope for each other, that's at the core of it, they both truly believe in each other, and inspired each other. katara & aang good.

a headcanon

chief katara anyone?? chief katara?!?! 

oh oh OH i also think that katara, while primarily a combat bender during the war, actually takes to healing a lot more after the show and gets proper healing training at some point with the help of a trained medical expert and maybe yugoda. tbh i feel like the show was a bit dismissive of healing as an ability - i feel like having that is *extremely* useful in any combat situation, you always have a medic on hand - but i understand why katara, who wanted to be recognised as powerful regardless of her gender, and wanted to hold herself in a fight alongside sokka & aang, pushed for combat waterbending training because that is what 'powerful' looks like to her in the moment. obviously katara is capable of incredible healing feats (see: saving aang) but i think given we see her as a healer in lok (not a decision i necessarily disagree with) would mean a shift in focus. i think katara actually comes to realise she likes healing a great deal, but really she excels in all aspects of waterbending and is the south’s most respected master who helped rejuvenate southern style waterbending  

unpopular opinion

the main reason people think katara is straight is because we see her have very few meaningful interactions with other girls outside of toph. ATLA as a show is a bit romance obsessed, and very heteronormative in that regard, and so interactions with minor characters almost always line up with a potential crush for sokka or katara, and later, zuko (suki, haru, jet, yue, song, jin....). we rarely see katara build friendships with other girls and it’s such a damn shame.

(anyway bi katara for life)

a wish

the version of the puppetmaster we saw was actually fire nation propaganda, i feel like katara would have felt deep compassion for a prisoner of war and after maybe some clashes, would have agreed to help smuggle her out of the fire nation and secure passage home for hama, and tried to assure her that she still has a place there. the treatment of hama in that episode was awful (but also hama was written to be almost cartoonishly evil, very much an evil witch in her cottage in the spooky woods? like the whole horror movie / spooky story opening was such a big tell) and tbh i reject the thesis that we saw ‘katara’s dark potential’ in that episode completely, or that bloodbending as a power is inherently dark, or katara’s use of it to stop hama ‘corrupted’ her. I feel like katara might feel this way as a teenager perhaps but with time (she can be a little black and white at times), and especially with more training as a healer, i think she might realise that’s not the case, she’ll realise that she was right to try and oppose hama, her elder (she was lashing out rather than really trying to oppose the fire nation), and it wasn’t a betrayal of her or her beliefs, but also her use of bloodbending wasn’t wrong or evil inherently at all? and maybe she’d find ways to use it for healing purposes? anyway my wish is that, i like the idea that they meet again, speak about their differences, reconcile a little / come to an understanding, and katara learns more from hama again

an oh-god-please-don't-ever-happen

anything where katara’s character is reduced to a comforter or a healing device for a man and his trauma. particularly zuko. (they don’t have that dynamic in canon thankfully, zuko would never, zuko respects her too much)

5 words to describe them:

idealistic, hard-working, powerful, headstrong, kind

my nickname for them:

chief. or comrade. :^)

[appleinducedsleep]

The Guernsey Literary & Potato Peel Pie Society was the September @readerbookclub​ choice, and I’ll dive right into it:

What did you think of the book? What were the things you enjoyed and the things you didn’t enjoy?

I really liked it. It was light, despite having some heavy subjects. I loved all the book references, the glimpses into history, and Victor Hugo’s random letters. I loved the friendship between Julliet, Sophie and Sidney. Isola was a delight, and Kit was adorable. I loved watching the new friendships grow, and the mystery of Elizabeth McKenna slowly unfold.

Did any quotes or passages stand out to you? What where they and why?

“That’s what I love about reading: one tiny thing will interest you in a book, and that tiny thing will lead you to another book, and another bit there will lead you on to a third book. It’s geometrically progressive — all with no end in sight, and for no other reason than sheer enjoyment.”

“In Guernsey, Cee Cee wrote poems to freesias and the daffodils. Also to the tomatoes. He was agog with admiration for the Guernsey cows and the pedigree bulls, and he composed a little song in honour of their bells (’Tinkle, tinkle, such a merry sound...’). Beneath the cows, in Cee Cee’s estimation, were ‘the simple folk of the country parishes, who still speak the Norman patois and believe in fairies and witches’. Cee Cee entered into the spirit of the thing and saw a fairy in the gloaming,”

“The Crown cannot impose taxes on the Islands - or conscription. Honesty forces me to admit the Islanders don’t need conscription to make them go to war for dear, dear England. They volunteered and made very respectable, even heroic, soldiers and sailors against Napoleon and the Kaiser. But take note -- these selfless acts do not make amends for the fact THAT THE CHANNEL ISLANDS PAY NO INCOME TAXES TO ENGLAND. NOT ONE SHILLING. IT MAKES ONE WANT TO SPIT!’

That were two segments from Tramp.

She got up and went over to the desk. She stood there for a while, then she picked up that crystal thing with Latin, Carpe diem, or some such, etched on the top. She studied it.

“Seize the Day,” she said. “That’s an inspiring thought, isn’t it, Isola?”

“I suppose so,” I said, “if you like being goaded by a bit of a rock.”

Which scene stood out most to you? Why?

Clovis Fossey’s letter. Of all the letters, this one I remember clearly. For someone initially not interested in books and book clubs, he was particular eloquent. He won over his dear Nancy (1) at the cliffs, and fought in the First World War (2).

“Lookie there, Nancy. The gentleness of Heaven broods o’er the sea - Listen the mighty Being is awake’.

‘Passive Suffering? Passive Suffering! I could have hit him. What ailed the man? Lieutenant Owen, he wrote a line, 'What passing-bells for these who die as cattle? Only the monstrous anger of the guns.' What's passive about that, I'd like to know? That's exactly how they do die. I saw it with my own eyes, and I say to hell with Mr Yeats.’

Is there anything you would like to change about the book?

While the story wasn’t fast-paced, the ending was a little rushed. In the movie, I wondered at how fast Julliet was travelling to Guernsey. In the book, I was surprized at how fast Kit was pretty much living with Julliet at Elizabeth’s cottage (Julliet wasn’t a stranger, but still), and while I totally understood she wanted to adopt her, as that horrid Adelaide Addison wrote; the Literary Society pretty much raised her, while ‘the principal work of the baby’s maintenance was undertaken by Amelia Maugery, with other Society members taking her out -- like a library book -- for several weeks at a time’. Julliet mentioned taking Kit to London in a one letter, and that kind of shocked me. I wondered about Christian Hellman’s family, they might never know he had a daughter.

I pretty much hated Mark from his first letter, he was so entitled and arrogant. I likened him to Gaston, I still hold firm to that. The movie softened him, while the book just made me wonder why he was that obsessed. Movie-Mark seemed genuine, and they actually got engaged before she left for Guernsey. Book-Mark seemed only to be there for the story to have a love-triangle and to add tension between Juliet and Dawsey. When she dumped him once and for all, it didn’t seem to matter to her at all, so I wish Mark had been more sympathetically written. Any internal struggle shouldn’t have been reduced to ‘will I end up as a lonely spinster?” @readerbookclub​ remarked that Remy was also mostly there to drive up the tension, and I agree.

How did you feel about Juliet’s romance with Dawsey? Was it well written? Did you enjoy it?

I love the trope of friends to lovers. I loved Julliet’s denial, and Sidney and Sophie rolling their eyes at her from across the channel.

29th July 1946

Dear Sophie,

Please ignore everything I ever said about Dawsey Adams.

I am an idiot.

I have just received a letter from Dawsey praising the medicinal qualities of my ‘sunny nature and light heart.’ A sunny nature? A light heart? I have never been so insulted. Light-hearted is a short step from witless in my book. A cackling buffoon - that’s what I am to Dawsey.

3rd August 1946

Dawsey and I have not been as easy with each other as we once were, though he still comes often to visit Kit, or to bring Remy over. When we heard Remy laugh our eyes met for the first time for a fortnight. But perhaps he was only admiring how my sunny nature had rubbed off on her. I do, according to some people, have a sunny nature, Sidney. Did you know this?

She was so hilariously bitter about an innocent compliment. Honestly. Dawsey might have well have said she was tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt him. 

Is there any character who has a similar taste in books to you?

Isola, she was also obsessed with Pride and Prejudice. Boom, instant connection. I related to her, because she could get intense about her interests, even if phrenology was debunked already in the 19th century. That was very random, I must say.

What were your expectations before reading the book? Did it meet them?

I actually saw the movie before reading the book, so all the big plot-points, I already knew. Still, I was really surprised to learn that the entire book was letters. The movie didn’t start with letters, there were barely any letters at all. She up and went to Guernsey on a whim, there wasn’t a welcoming committee; in contrast to the book, where the Guernsey Literary Society was there at Peter’s Port to welcome her. I preferred the way the book went about it, though I understand the limitations of the movie.

The entirety of the book is written through letters (except for some brief Isola detective work!). What did you think of this unusual structure? Would you be interested in reading more books written like this?

I was familiar with the style, Jane Austen’s Susan was also all letters. I was thankful all had the talent of letter-writing. I would have preferred that the format had kept to just letters, Isola’s part was amusing enough, but I wanted to experience it through Julliet’s voice.

What did you think of Elizabeth’s story? Did you grow to love her even though we never actually see her?

Elizabeth was the heart of the story. 

Sidney remarked the same about Julliet’s book, which wasn’t a coincidence. Without Elizabeth there wouldn’t have been a Guernsey Literary Society, she was brave to a fault, and even after, Kit held together this band of people; I can understand how Julliet felt connected to her based on stories alone.

[writersrealmbts]

Con Amore: Part 15

Bulletproof Melody Sequel

Description: Con Amore– A directive to a musician to perform a selected passage of a composition tenderly, with affectionate emotion, or in a loving manner; an instruction to the player of an instrument meaning ‘with love’ or ‘lovingly’. Three years with all seven of your loves, three years of relative peace. But now everything is threatened as darkness surges from the horizon.

Originally Posted: 05/28/2020

Tags: Superheroes, Ot7

Fluff/Angst: 2,035 words

A/N: One more part after this, then we’re done. Promise.

They were an odd group, but they worked together brilliantly. Sometimes, they reminded you of your boys.

Yeonjun cracked some corny jokes now and then that reminded you of Seokjin, but could also be as serious as Hoseok.

Huening-Kai had a tendency to pull the maknae card like Jungkook, and the enthusiasm that Taehyung got when excited.

Soobin would get embarrassed and melt a little like Jimin, or sometimes like Namjoon.

Beomgyu was absolutely as snarky as Jimin.

Taehyun’s attention to fashion which reminded you of Namjoon mostly, but also Jimin, Taehyung, and Hoseok.

“Do you think they would train us if we asked?” Beomgyu asked quietly, a change from his usual talkative self.

You paused, then kept stringing the dried peels, berries, and popcorn. “Yes. I do think they would. As long as you showed that you were willing to learn.”

“They’re the coolest,” Yeonjun said, awe in his voice. “Whenever we heard about them at the temple, Taehyun, Huening, and I would then go and look for every video and article on it we could find on the library computer. They’re so well trained and they work so well together.”

You smiled a little. “I don’t know that they would be able to help you all train your powers. There are similarities with some of your powers and theirs, but there are also differences.”

“But they’ve worked this long in working together despite differences in their powers,” Taehyun countered. “We have a lot to learn about working together.”

You nodded slowly. “That’s true. They are exceptional when it comes to teamwork. They’re a family, but they also have a heirarchy. They know who is calling the shots. They have a specific purpose that they are devoted to.”

“You?” Beomgyu guessed, grinning and ducking when you threw popcorn at him.

“No, you imp. They want a world that’s better than the one they were born into. They were best suited to fighting those who would tear the world down to make it their own. Trying to make life better for supers like you boys,” You said softly, reaching over to push Huening’s hair from his eyes so he could actually see what he was doing.

Soobin nodded. “And what do you focus on?”

“The little things,” You answered, pulling a clip from one of your non-archive storage spaces and pulling Huening Kai’s hair away from his face. “Small robberies, hostage situations now and then, children, children’s homes. As Nightingale, anyway. But as an archivist…the scope of my job varies greatly from day to day. The overlap is very present though, which makes what I do a little more fulfilling than just…collecting things that will collect dust while staying a safe distance from the world.”

Beomgyu set a snack beside you just as you were thinking you should get one. “But…you’re known for being a fighter. I mean, you practically died to save the town. They built a monument to you.”

You shrugged. “The memories of the populace are short-lived. So distracted by every new thing, attention spans shortened by the speed with which needs are satisfied. It was the first big fight I’d ever participated in. And I…wasn’t exactly alive when they got me to the hospital. I had to leave for a while after that, I stopped by the temple for a little bit to be healed completely, then I went and just did my job as an archivist. Laying low.”

“Because it was your family,” Taehyun said, then his eyes widened. “Sorry, I—”

“Relax, Taehyun, it’s okay. I know you don’t purposely pry into my life.” You rested a hand on your stomach where the baby was pushing their little foot out, quickly reaching over and grabbing Yeonjun’s hand to guide it there since he was the only one who hadn’t been able to feel the baby so far. It usually pulled away just before he got to feel it, and lately it had been a little less active. Still moving, but not trying to push it’s foot into your lungs or kick your ribs.

His eyes were huge. “She’s really sticking it out there.”

“He,” Huening Kai countered playfully, not willing to let his hyung have the satisfaction.

“It’s a girl,” Yeonjun scoffed.

“Boy,” Taehyun immediately argued, tossing a piece of popcorn at the eldest.

You rolled your eyes. “Boys, at this rate, we’ll never have the tree decorated and I’ll have to cancel Christmas.”

Beomgyu and Soobin’s eyes got huge and they quickly shushed the other three who weren’t completely ready to give up—especially Huening Kai.

Until Soobin pointed at him and directly sent a wave of peace into him, then did the same with the other two. “String the popcorn.”

“Yeah, I’m not missing my first Christmas just because you guys were fighting,” Beomgyu added sternly. He set more supplies in front of them, then continued cutting the dried orange peels into stars.

The other boys quickly set back to work.

You laughed softly. “I wouldn’t actually cancel Christmas, you know that, right?”

“Not worth the risk,” Soobin said, waving a hand to dismiss it.

You shook your head, still smiling. They were adorable, and you doted on them more than you expected to. Part of you blamed the hormones, but you also knew it was because they were so young, and because they had all been through a lot in their lives. You’d doted on Soobin before all of this, but now you were seeing him grow with these other boys.

Made you feel old, and you really weren’t that old.

Huening Kai was just a baby, too. A cutie-pie who needed to be protected at all costs.

They all were, really.

Beomgyu looked at you strangely. “Are you okay? I’m sensing something…weird.”

“I’m fine?” You answered, shrugging. You picked at the snack, looking over the garland before tying it off. “Soobin, go put this on the tree.”

He got up and took it, pausing.

“Start from the top, wrap it around in a way the looks pretty, working toward the bottom and keeping in mind that there will be a few more strands.” You scrunched your nose as a sort of tightness   pressed on your stomach.

Huening Kai was trying to remember the words to a Christmas song, debating with Yeonjun playfully until you went to get your songbook to settle the matter since they were just making it worse.

You got up slowly, wincing a little. Your ankles were swollen and your feet hurt. So did your back. You’d been doing easy exercises to strengthen your body as the pregnancy progressed, but it still didn’t do much to help since the doctor you were seeing in the town nearby had told you to take it easy. You weren’t strictly on bed-rest, but she wanted you to act as much like you were as possible, and the boys had been making sure you obeyed.

You found the book, but instead of going out, you stared at the book, looking at the doodle Jimin had drawn on the front.

He had been teasing you, mostly because he knew what you had gotten Tae for Christmas, while he had been hand-drawing cards for the other boys and his marker had slipped onto the book he was using as a hard surface—your Christmas music. So, to make it up to you, he had turned the mark into a cute little snowman.

That was the year that you had gotten Yeontan for Taehyung.

You missed the domesticity of your life with the boys. You wanted them here.

You wanted them freaking out when they felt the baby kick for the first time, or staring at the ultrasound and asking you what was what again and again. Freaking out if you so much as got out of bed when they weren’t sure if you were supposed to or not. Reading the books with you, freaking out when you made them find out exactly what happens during birth. Fighting over who would get to be with you during the birth of the baby. How they would handle the hospital.

But that wasn’t possible.

“Y/n!” Soobin called, sounding alarmed.

Then Beomgyu hurried in. “There’s a group approaching, Hueningkai says they’re armed.”

“Okay, remember the plan. Stick to the plan.” You tossed aside the book, running through your repertoire of songs that wouldn’t accidentally harm the boys while you were trying to help keep them safe. Your powers were somewhat unpredictable lately, so you had to play it as safely as possible.

“Y/n, I don’t think you should,” Beomgyu said, grabbing your arm. “You’re health is different than even earlier this morning. Please just let us take care of you. I know it’s not in your nature, but it’s necessary. This is why we’re here, isn’t it?”

You slowly nodded, then stepped back. “Alright. But I’m establishing the communication network.”

Beomgyu nodded.

You hummed the song you’d come up with a couple weeks ago, which melded the various powers of you and the boys to form a sort of mental communication to each other. It was the safest song you had right now. “Update.”

“Four men to the south, three to the west, two to the east,” Hueningkai said.

“I’ll get the ones on the south,” Yeonjun said. “Blind the ones to the west.”

“I’ve got the ones to the east,” Soobin told them. “Hold until we know their intentions.”

You nodded, silently agreeing with Soobin’s assessment.

Beomgyu sat beside you, listening to the boys call out their positions. “We’ll be okay, y/n. Try to relax.”

You glanced at him, but mostly were focusing on sensing out there. The foreign melodies. The inclination toward major or minor melodies and the dissonant or harmonic chords, how it all fit together. “Be ready. They sound more hostile.”

“We’re ready,” Taehyun said. “I’ve got eyes on all of you. Yeonjun, Huening, try to increase the snow-fall to inhibit them more.”

“Got it.”

“Good idea.”

You froze as a foreign feeling washed over you.

Beomgyu looked at you in alarm.

“Boys, maybe put a rush on that,” You told them, getting up and grabbing the go-bag.

“What? Why?” Yeonjun asked.

“My water just broke. We’re going to the hospital.”

“So…loud and messy is okay as long as it’s quick?” Yeonjun asked, sounding a little freaked out.

“Anything to make sure the house is safe and no one follows us to the hospital,” You replied, voice a little sing-song in alarm.

Beomgyu grabbed the other bag and led the way to the garage. “Just do it. She’s a month early and I was right about the contractions.”

Your eyes widened when you heard a crash outside, followed by some screams of terror.

“Okay, just need to bury these guys and then the way is clear.”

Beomgyu shared a scared look with you.

Soobin darted in and hopped into the driver’s seat. “Clear the snow and ice from the roads?”

“Got it, rest of us our outside.”

You held onto the door handle as another contraction came through. “Hurry.” Your eyes filled with tears, and right then, all you wanted was one of your loves. Holding your hand.

But you didn’t get to have that. Not yet.

Beomgyu took your other hand as the other boys hopped into the vehicle. “It’s okay. Just breathe and try to stay calm. Do you want us to contact them?”

“No. It’s too dangerous,” You whispered. “Just keep my baby safe.”

He nodded. “Nothing will happen to the baby. I’m going to be with you and nothing will happen to either of you.”

You rested your other hand on your stomach.

“Soobin-hyung—”

“Got it,” He answered, then an overwhelming sense of peace washed over you. Almost like when Namjoon would use his confession inducement-type power. This was, admittedly, more agreeable.

“Taehyun, Hueningkai and I will set ourselves up around the perimeter and keep an eye out for trouble. Beomgyu will be with you, and Soobin will guard the waiting room. It’s the best we can do at the hospital.”

“I know. Thank you.”

~~~~

Part 14.   Part 16/Final.

Masterlist.  ~  Series Masterpost.  

Tagging: @ephemeral-mindset​, @alex–awesome–22​, @bryvada​, @missmoxxiesworld​, @knjhe, @i-dont-even-know-fck

[jjungkookiex]

Agust D 2 Review

Moonlight

This is one of my top 3 tracks, I adore the little conversation he has in the beginning as he introduces the new era of Agust D. The theme links this song with Moonchild by Joon and Moon by Jin so that the celestial trio is indeed complete. It love the way that he finds comfort in the eternal aspect of nature when compared to his ever growing fame and wealth that must at times be overwhelming. Instead he concentrates on his artistry and love for music in its purest form that have been consistent in his life. The vibe is very groovy and relaxed making for a very pleasant listen at night. 

Daechwita

This is a distinctly unapologetic title track that is accompanied by a cinematic masterpiece of a music view. The blend of traditional Korean pansori alongside the fiery rap make for a unique auditory experience that is addictive (no jokes this song was played at least 100 times on the first day itself for me personally). In the music video Agust D splits his persona in half by playing both the tyrant king and the commoner assassin. This dichotomy allows him to explore the various aspects of his self and the eventual death of the king by the hands of the commoner, for me, represents his desire to stay humble, grounded and passionate, setting himself apart from the weak ‘pill poppers’ who lack drive and conviction. 

What do you think?

Agust D does not hold back and his haters better run for cover because this track is acerbic, sarcastic and a harsh slap of reality to those you doubt them. The rhetorical question in the title mockingly questions those who had underestimated the group that are the most popular boy band on the globe and threatens them to question them more, what do you think if we win a Grammy? He aggressively silences the ignorance of the media who persists in questioning them on their enlistment, and the way that he raps the four words hold more than a touch of wildness, showing the world that you do not mess with Agust D and his brothers.

Strange

This tracks begins with an ominous, distorted synth beat that is largely reserved for the end of songs, however its inclusion in the beginning helps to set the tone for a track that is unsettling and unable to be definitively pinned down. This track has a conversational tone, similar to Respect but lacking the playfulness; it’s strange younger brother. It discusses the way that wealth is the driving force in society, where capitalism injects hope as morphine into the youth, for it to never materialise in the way they wanted. Namjoon’s rap (which is so incredibly attractive purely in his intonation and accent) “for God’s sake everything’s under control” isn’t reassuring in the way we’d expect the words to be, instead the song questions our perception of the world and the strangeness of it all. 

28

This song reminds me of walking down a bustling street in the midst of summer, feeling incredibly isolated yet overwhelmed with the intensity of life. As one of the most reflective songs on the album it discusses the difficulty of crossing the vague border between youth and adulthood. This is not a border that makes for an easy passage, one will lose things in the process and emerge a changed person. Age is highly subjective, our mental state does not follow a linear line and our experiences vary, thus our true age varies. Agust D has lived an extraordinary life but is he truly an adult? He muses over whether it is better to not cross that barrier, if that journey means losing the dreams and passion that make him youthful. This is something highly relatable for us all, where we are pressured to become members of society and adults without a full awareness of how that process will transform us. 

Burn It

This track is hauntingly intense and dark and Max’s vocals fit in so well with Yoongi’s rap. That’s one of the things that I adore about the album- all the collaborations feel so natural and cohesive. The song raises the questions of whether we relate or recognise the individual we see in the mirror and if not we should burn it. Yoongi’s urgent refrain of yeah yeah burn it, is unforgettable and in my opinion, links to how he said in one Vlive that giving up is ok and that it requires great courage. This song highlights how everything, even the people we are, are constantly evolving and why should we be burdened with a past, or present self that it alien to us? Better to burn it down and create something worthwhile to our existence. 

People

This has got to be my favourite track of the whole album. The tropical esque beat at the beginning is lowkey and light, setting the mood for gentle contemplation rather than intense self reflection. The alternation between ‘why so serious?’ and ‘I’m so serious’  feels almost like a conversation between two people, thus continuing the album’s theme of duality. We are all people, but we live wildly different lives. Something normal to a person like walking freely down the street is extraordinary to a celebrity like Agust D, however to me or you it would be ordinary whereas we could never dream of playing stadiums which is the regular for BTS. This song comforts the listener by singing that no matter what stage in life you are, it’s ok if you cry and feel sad sometimes because no matter what, we are all people. 

Honsool

This track begins with a beat that is slightly drowsy and distorted, mimicking perfectly the notion of drinking. The title means ‘drinking alone’ a time of the day when we are the most nostalgic and reflective. The lyrics separate the ideal from the reality. Agust D had preconceptions of fame and fortune but our visions rarely match our reality and we find him musing over the disparity between the two, something that must be a torment and struggle for any celebrity. We see him attempting to consolidate his success and position in life in this moody track that is perfect for the after hours of a tiring day. 

Set Me Free

This is an incredibly beautiful track and singer Agust D truly comes through! It’s incredibly raw and relates the mental health struggles that the weight of the crown can have upon someone who is on an elevated platform in the world. The chirping of birds indicate the start of a new day, almost as though he wants to be set free and rejuvenated, to go to a world where things do work his way, where he can escape and truly be free of all the criticism, the spotlight and retreat to be with himself. I think we can all relate to the feeling of being trapped, and the melancholic yet euphoric refrain is highly emotive.

Dear My Friend

This song is one of the most heartbreaking out of the whole album. It is confessional and nostalgic, and dwells on how the passage of time ends friendship and changes people, leaving us with nothing but the fragments of memories. Yoongi reminisces over a friend he had when he was 20, a friend who’s existence and loss left a deep imprint upon his heart that Kim Jong Wan beautifully vocalises. This audible letter to his lost friend tugs at my heartstrings for I too lost a friend who I thought would be with me forever and whilst we do not come into contact anymore I still remember our time together vividly and hope they are happy wherever they are. I see this song as Yoongi’s last goodbye to this person who touched his life in such an intense way. 

This album was incredibly raw and confessional and I’m so proud of Yoongi for creating a work that is so authentically him. Each track is meticulously crafted much like his whole ouevre of work and the progression of himself both personally and musically is evident. 11/10 stars from me 

[metalbatandzenko]

18. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

oof this one is gonna be so long™ so it’s going under the cut.

Let’s talk about the slow dance scene in Hidden Horns. Specifically Badd and Garou’s slow dance.

First thing is that this scene actually got written before most of the rest of the fic. It wasn’t originally going to be part of HH, I wrote it bc I was listening to Orville Peck’s album Pony, and when this song came on, I thought it sounded like a fun song to slow dance to. It also made me yearn but that’s besides the point. 

Anyways let’s get into it.

Badd guided Garou’s hands to his hips. “‘m not a kid like Zen is, y’can hold me.”

Garou blinked, doing his best to focus on anything other than the warm weight of Badd’s hands on his shoulders or the feeling of Badd’s hips between his hands.

Garou’s a disaster. If you’ve ever seen middle schooler’s slow dance with the stiff zombie arms, that’s basically what he was doing. Which if you’ve ever been in that position, you know it’s not super comfortable for either party, nor is it sustainable bc of that.

But putting his hands on Badd’s hips might have been even more dangerous to Garou. Badd’s kind of a walking contradiction: he’s gruff but he’s sweet, rough but also gentle, muscular yet graceful. Garou’s kind of been seeing that first hand, but now he’s feeling it for himself in the way Badd moves and the feeling of muscle shifting under his finger tips.

There’s also the implied trust that Badd is showing in draping his arms around Garou’s neck on both ends. They’re both putting themselves in a vulnerable position where the other could easily overpower them if they strike first. Their willingness to be in this position with one another is kind of part of the evolution of their dynamic. 

I left a lot of that unsaid both because of the fact that having that analysis mid fic kind of kills the pacing and fic. Also this is done in the rhythm and tempo of Roses Are Falling, and while it’s a slow song, it’s not at a standstill.

“Back on the run,”

“Her reflexes are scary fast,” Garou remarked.

“Back to the blue…”

Badd chuckled. “Yeah. Sometimes she’s too fast even fer me t’track.”

One of the reasons I decided to put this scene in HH versus saving it for another fic is because of the lyrics of the song. There’s some fun foreshadowing and parallels between what is happening and what the lyrics are saying that I thought would work really well for this fic.

I also think this works well as a little nod to the actual canon of OPM and a potential way their relationship could evolve from here. So we get the compare and contrast throughout the passage of where the characters in HH are versus where their canon counterparts might be.

“Roses Are Falling” is, by Orville Peck’s own admission, a song about “loving someone so much you kind of want to kill them.” While I don’t think Badd and Garou have that kind of relationship, I think there’s some truth to the lyrics and this idea of being isolated together, which we also see in “Kansas Remembers Me Now” and “Big Sky”, the two other Orville Peck songs featured in this section.

Zenko’s a pretty safe topic for the boys to discuss. Badd can talk about her for hours on end, and Garou adores her. If they have one spot of common ground, it’s Zenko.

“Winning is fun,”

“She’s gonna pass you up soon,” Garou said.

“Losing is, too…”

Badd gave him a confused look.

“You know, in terms of athletic abilities.”

“Roses are fallin’, roses from fallin’ for you,”

Badd smacked Garou’s neck, feigning offense, but Garou saw the small smile on his face.

Slow dancing is incredibly intimate (even in a platonic setting. Platonic slowdances still require a lot of trust and vulnerability). Especially for two people grappling with unspoken feelings like these two idiots.

Garou definitely feels that tension at this point and tries to diffuse it in a way that’s worked for them in the past: by jokingly poking fun at Badd.

The lyrics here felt fitting to me. The two of them are highly competitive, but they’ve gotten to a point where just the act of being together is more important than winning. They kind of verbally spar for a lot of their relationship, but here we see them just enjoying each other’s company.

“Ooh…”  

The two swayed at an arm’s distance.

“The ache inside the hate–I found a way to sit and wait, and now I can’t: your voice–your face–without a trace–I’ll wait for you…”

“‘s awkward swayin’ this far apart,” Badd huffed.

He pulled Garou close enough that their noses almost touched.

For much of their friendship, Badd’s been the one acting as the initiator. He suggests the sleepover, he cooks for Garou, he introduces truth or dare, which becomes their coded language for opening up, etc. It makes sense for him to be the one to initiate here.

Garou in HH has pretty much the same backstory as he does in canon, he just didn’t go off the rails because he met Tareo earlier. But it was important to me to make sure the fact he still didn’t know how to interact/make friends his age was front and center. He doesn’t initiate many of the “friendship milestones” because he doesn’t know what to do. All this is new ground for him. 

The fact Badd even wants to be his friend is unprecedented and completely unexpected to him. 

Of course, this doesn’t mean he doesn’t initiate anything. He takes Zenko to school so Badd can heal, he meets Madame Oshitani, he asks Badd how he’s feeling and offers his ear when it’s clear something’s bothering him. 

Badd is very intentional about how he goes about interacting with Garou because he knows Garou’s never had a friend like him before. Garou by contrast, does things just to be helpful and worries about being a good friend/if he’s doing it right, not realizing he’s already being a good friend.

Garou’s normally so direct and unabashed, so having this spot where he’s more self-conscious and awkward is a fun reversal. And it’s pretty canon compliant given how he interacts with Tareo.

We see them kind of switch roles later, where Garou takes the lead during their orange chicken talk.

The lyrics here have two roles: it kind of mimics how I think their canon relationship could progress like I mentioned earlier (from hate to irritation to begrudging respect and love) but also shows their unspoken fear of what could happen in HH: they blow up and each becomes a face that the other can’t forget, but can’t go back to.

It’s not a fear that has gotten addressed super directly thus far, (we see a little bit in the upcoming chapter) the closest being the non-conversation the two have about what is left unsaid.

“Roses are fallin’ for you…”

The first thing Garou noticed was how good Badd smelled. Seems his sleep addled brain hadn’t been wrong after all.

Garou is in Gay Panic™ mode here. 

I described Badd in an earlier chapter as smelling like aftershave and freesia. I wanted to give him a smell that kind of combined his classic style with something gentler, and more sweet. 

Freesia is usually a smell in women’s perfumes, but it’s one I think he’d appreciate. And I don’t see him being one to give a fuck about gendering smells.

“You…”

Badd draped his arms around Garou’s neck and averted his gaze.

Garou watched in wonder as Badd’s lashes fluttered.

Up as close as he was and borderline drunk off how good Badd’s smelled, Garou stared unabashedly at his face.

He looked so, devastatingly beautiful.

Garou staring here is kind of a callback to the conversation they have early on about Garou ogling at Badd/Badd making fun of him for it.

There’s an openness here that’s different than the last time Garou really looked at Badd. Before, he was admiring him and his power. Here, we see him taking in a more delicate side of Badd, and Badd just letting him look at him. We’re seeing him take in Badd’s lashes, and calling him beautiful. It’s a new facet of who Badd is, and a new contradiction for Garou to grapple with: powerful, yet delicate.

If you’ve ever been with someone and you’re standing next to one another and you can see them staring at you from the corner of your eye and you keep pretending to look out at something in the distance because it’s easier than making eye contact and having to sort out what that gaze means, that’s essentially what is happening here.

Badd’s aware Garou’s staring at him, and he knows why. But he’s not ready to meet his gaze yet. Especially not if Garou himself isn’t ready.

“Under your skin, over the moon…”

He prayed Badd wouldn’t look up so he could continue to look at him.

“Don’t let me in, I don't know what I’d do…”

Because if Badd did, and Garou saw what he thought he would in Badd’s eyes, it would devastate him.

This is a callback to Garou refusing to make eye contact when he’s laughing about Badd’s indignation over pigeons because he knows whatever Badd’s gaze holds will devastate him. 

Garou equally fears the two ways it will devastate him. Either he looks up, sees the warmth in his gaze, and falls for Badd, only to find out his feelings aren’t reciprocated, or his feelings are, and he’s thrust into a new landscape to navigate that leaves him vulnerable and exposed, and threatens to tear apart their friendship.

In Ch.9/What’s Left Unspoken, I originally planned on having a metaphor that kind of embodied that second fear. Garou can almost picture a strand of spider silk connecting him and Badd. Something so delicate and new, that he almost didn’t want to acknowledge it. Because doing so would cosmically shift their dynamic, and if that thread got severed, it could threaten their whole relationship. I ended up cutting it because I couldn’t get the metaphor quite right and it brought the chapter to a standstill.

“Roses are fallin’, roses from fallin’ for you…”  

Badd began to turn his head, but before their eyes could meet, Garou looked away.

“Ooh…”

Garou could feel Badd’s gaze raking over him. From the corner of his eye, he saw his lips part.

Here we’re seeing that fear controlling Garou a bit. He doesn’t know what’s in Badd’s gaze, and he thinks if he avoids it, he can avoid the change in their dynamic all together. 

But some part of him wants to know, and is screaming for him to turn his head, potential consequences be damned. 

“You know, darling, you bring out the worst in me…”

Garou steeled his nerves and looked directly at Badd.

“Sometimes when I’m around you, I feel like pure evil…”

He’d been right. The tenderness he found in Badd’s eyes devastated him.

The second song line here is...very much how Garou views himself in canon, and to a lesser extent, in this AU.

He still hasn’t forgiven himself for what he might have done, and when he sees Badd, and his gentleness, kindness and optimism despite how the world has treated him and Zenko, it makes him question hero-dom more than he already does.

And we’re seeing Garou discover what is in Badd’s eyes. Garou has a harder time reading Badd than Badd does reading him, so what he finds in Badd’s eyes is unreadable to him, hence why the statement is left vague in terms of what he finds there.

“I guess they say nobody's perfect…”

Badd’s gaze flicked down to Garou’s lips.

“But they’ve never met a devil like you…”

The lyrics here feel spot on, especially to end the muscial interlude to. Garou knows Badd isn’t perfect and vise versa, but they still accept one another. The lyrics kind of foreshadow Badd and Garou’s heart to heart about why they think they’re bad people. 

Badd’s action here are really what solidify Garou’s understanding of what he’s seeing in Badd’s eyes. 

Before he realized what he was doing, Garou was leaning in, closing the small gap between them.

And when he sees the warmth there, and knows his feelings are reciprocated, he leans in, more intentionally taking the role of the initiator for the first time.

[amoralto]

MOJO: Paul McCartney – the MOJO interview. (May, 2003)

(Note: Finally, finally finished typing this up after @sweating-cobwebs requested the full interview what seems like ages ago. Quotes from this and the Yoko interview from the same issue - which I’ll probably type up in full later as well - can be found under the #2003 tag.)

-

In troubled times, Paul McCartney and Yoko Ono remained undaunted and have found peace – with themselves and each other. Johnny Black met Macca in London.

by Johnny Black

When Sir Paul McCartney’s dark blue Mercedes drives into Docklands Arena and pulls up at the side of the stage, the 60-year-old man who climbs out looks sprightly, even jaunty. He throws his elegant grey jacket over one shoulder, as he proffers a broad smile to everyone he greets. There’s a ripple effect as he moves away from the vehicle, a small knot of his employees drifting along with him. Press officer, catering manager, sound man, security personnel… and they each have a little something they need him to do if and when he has a moment.

He appears to be taking it all on board, seems to placate them all, and by the time he pauses about 30 feet in front of the stage, the knot has dissolved and they’re all heading back to their appointed posts.

The figure briefly watches his mainly American band as they jam cheerfully around the distinctive chord progression of Walk Don’t Run by The Ventures, then joins them on the stage, immediately changing the mood as he leads them into Shakin’ All Over, the first truly great pre-Beatles British rock track. Given how much we seem to love speculating about McCartney’s motives, it would be easy to interpret this as a statement of intent – the British boss asserting his personality over his yankee staff – but it’s also undeniably a great track to warm-up on, and he seems to relish playing it. Up there on that stage, bashing away in front of an audience of less than 20 onlookers, he seems just as happy as he would be if he were basking in the approval of 20,000.

It’s March 14, 2003, and for the next few days the 12,000-capacity Arena – a far cry from the Liverpudlian sitting rooms where The Beatles first knocked their live sets together – is serving as McCartney’s rehearsal hall in the run up to a major European tour.

McCartney’s personal fortune was recently estimated at £620 million by People magazine. In the last year alone, he raked in £120m, of which £65m came from US tour receipts and album sales. But money, as he once famously pointed out, can’t buy love. And love, in the words of another Beatles’ classic, is all you need. In the enduringly poignant country music standard A Satisfied Mind, written in 1955 by Red Hayes and Jack Rhodes, such sentiments are explored more fully in the lines, “Money can’t buy back your youth when you’re old, or a friend when you’re lonely, or a heart that’s grown cold.”

Looked at in that light, just how wealthy is Paul McCartney? Here’s a man, adored by millions, disliked by millions, whose young life was shattered on October 31, 1956 when his mother, Mary, died of cancer in the Northern Hospital, Liverpool. The following year, he befriended John Lennon, only to re-live his own grief over again when Lennon’s mother, Julia, died in 1958.

With George Harrison and Ringo Starr, he and Lennon formed the most successful band the world has ever seen, then watched helplessly as it was destroyed by drugs and greed, turning their friendship to dust along the way. After years of acrimony, he and Lennon had just begun healing their wounds and rebuilding their friendship when Lennon was stolen away from him again by the bullets from Mark Chapman’s gun.

The other major relationship that had brought stability into McCartney’s life was his lasting marriage to Linda Eastman, but that was also taken from him too soon when she died from cancer in April 1998, aged just 56. And it was cancer again that claimed the life of George Harrison on November 29, 2001.

To what extent can £620m heal the scars left by those assaults on McCartney’s famously cheery – and oft derided – bonhomie? The answer, as any fule kno, is that it can’t. So what is it that keeps those legendary thumbs aloft? It has to be more than just the buzz of playing Shakin’ All Over with a band half your age.

When, after an hour and a half, the first rehearsal is over, MOJO is pulled into Macca’s wake by press officer Geoff Baker. At the end of a walk through bare and stark backstage corridors, we arrive at the inner sanctum, a dressing room converted into something not unlike a Persian boudoir, complete with velvet cushions, exotic drapes, dishes groaning with fresh fruit and the smell of incense perfuming the air.

Sitting opposite him across a low table, there’s very little feeling of being in the presence of greatness. He wears his celebrity comfortably – like a favourite old shirt. He is perfectly polite, knows how to put a stranger at ease with an amusing aside but, above all, the passage of the years has made him even more gentlemanly. In the flesh, his boyish demeanour compensates for the lines and wrinkles that have come with age. Look into his face at close quarters and what you see are his eyes, still twinkling. Somewhere behind that twinkle, however, there’s a mind like a steel trap. You don’t get to where McCartney has got without one.

What would be a typical day in your life, like when you’re not working?

I tend to be the one who gets up to make breakfast. You’d die for my breakfast. It’s my Zen thing. I cut up all these lovely exotic things, normally in this order: I cut up a melon, a papaya, some kiwis, bananas, peach, and I make a fruit plate and it looks a bit like a mandala when I’ve done it – there’s all sorts of reasons why but it just have developed into this. We’ll also have tea, bagels, humous – quite a big, fancy breakfast. Then it’s a walk in the park with the dog, or if I’m in the country it might be a horse ride.

Later in the day, I like going to the pictures. We’ve got a great local cinema… Normally I’ll go with Heather, but I went to see Lord Of The Rings on my own. Loved it, whacking great film.

You can go to the cinema without being hassled?

Yeah. I do everything without being hassled. It’s actually been one of my pleasures. I actually like getting on the Tube, getting on the bus. I’ll do it if I’m walking and I see a bus going my way, I’ll just jump on. I did it in the 60s. George’s dad was a bus driver and he could never believe I’d do that. People can’t believe it. I had a guy in the street the other day, he was really worried that I was out on my own with no security. I said, “Gerraway.” I’ve always done that. I used to sometimes walk to Beatles concerts, and you’d get a screaming mass of girls and I’d say, “Come on, girls, calm down.” I’d do the big brother thing. I’m very comfortable with that. If not a movie, we’ll watch TV or a DVD in the evening – I usually try to see Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and Blind Date.

Most of us watch Millionaire because we’d like to be one, but that can’t be the appeal for you…

I want them to be millionaires. Actually Heather wants us to go on as a couple. It was funny because we met Chris Tarrant (the show’s presenter) the other night and Heather, in her keenness, said, “We should come on the Celebrity Millionaire show,” … which is for charity, so it’s a good thing… she said, “I know all the answers Paul doesn’t know and he knows all the ones I don’t know.” Chris said, “No, you shouldn’t come on. You’d be terrible.” He just completely took the piss, which was hilarious, because you’d expect him to be really keen.

Somewhere in the evening I’ll have a drink, and get to bed maybe about 11. Is that early? And then I’ll go to sleep and snore. Apparently I snore, but not a lot.

A brace of young women arrive bearing a tray laden with Paul’s lunch – chunky raisin scones, toast and a major pot of tea. Immediately he’s on his feet, exchanging pecks on the cheek, addressing them both by name, inquiring after their well-being. He points at the various delights on the tray to indicate that MOJO is welcome to partake.

Your band on this tour is noticeably young and energetic. How did you find them?

My keyboard player Wix has been with me for years, but I was going to make a record (Driving Rain) in America with David Kahne. He rang me about 10 days before the first session and said, “Do you think you might want to play live in the studio?” So I said, “Yeah, maybe.” So he said, “Should I get a couple of musicians in case you do?” I said, “OK, if you like.” I just left it very sort of casual.

So he thought about some people he admired. He’d never worked with Abe (Laboriel Jr, drummer) but he admired his work. He’d worked with Rusty (Anderson, guitarist). So he told me he’d got these people with great attitudes and who were great players and who could sing.

So I came in on the Monday morning, met the guys, and immediately started making the album, basically live. And that was it. Then, when we did the Superbowl, we needed one more guitarist for that so I asked David, “Do you know anybody?” And he said, “Yeah, this guy Brian Ray.” And he seemed to fit in great.

What do you think people expect from you when they come to a show?

I’m trying to keep a balance, proportionate, between Beatles stuff, Wings stuff and solo stuff. I don’t want it to just be a Beatles show, but I don’t mind giving an audience my most popular stuff. If I go to see David Gray, I’d like to hear him do Babylon because I like that song. And I’d be pretty disappointed if Coldplay didn’t do Yellow, you know?

We still have to rehearse to stay fresh, we’re making some changes to the screens and the lights (at these rehearsals), and I am adding a couple of songs to the set, so it’ll be a slightly longer show.

You were always the one in The Beatles who would turn up at a pub and sing songs. You did it during Magical Mystery Tour and you did it in 1968 on the way back from recording Thingumybob with the Black Dyke Mills Band.

I’d been up in Bradford with (Apple press officer) Derek Taylor, and we were just driving back to London, and we all got bored, someone wanted a pee, so we stopped in a little town called Harrold. And I think when we got to the pub it was shut but we got it to open up and we had a drink and there was a piano there so I sat down and played Let It Be.

Is that as much fun for you as playing in Earl’s Court or wherever?

Yeah. It is. It’s just a different kind of fun. I really do like it. If there’s a piano around it would be very difficult for me to just sit and watch it. It seems to me, in my naivety, that it’s something you approach and tinkle, to see if it’s in tune. It’s not a great desire to perform, I don’t think. I think it’s more that I like music, I like piano… but guitar is best.

Your first instrument was a trumpet. Was that something you wanted, or was it foisted on you by a well-meaning parent?

At the time, I think I must have sort of coveted a trumpet. My dad was a trumpet player and I did like it but when I realised I couldn’t sing and play the trumpet at the same time, I asked him and he said he didn’t mind me trading it in for a guitar. I thought he might be a bit insulted, but he didn’t mind.

The head of another aide pops round the door. It seems the BBC has arrived to show Paul a DVD of a commercial he’s done for the Corporation. Then there’s more rehearsal to be done but maybe we can reconvene later. Not for the first time, McCartney is ushered politely out of reach.

Docklands Arena, soon to be ripped down and replaced with more commercially viable properties, is virtually devoid of character. Fortunately, the stage show devised for this tour offers no end of distraction for the senses. As well as serried ranks of lights of very sort known to man, and some ear-splitting pyrotechnics in Live And Let Die, there are over 30 giant video screens forming a semi-circle around one humongous mother-screen which can be raised up and down as required on worryingly noisy pulleys.

“All our fuckin’ technology and it sounds like a building site,” wails the sound man. He’s consoled by a crew member who’s seen it all before – Gerry Stickells, the legendary Hendrix roadie tempted out of retirement for this tour at McCartney’s personal request.

When he returns to the Arena floor after watching the BBC DVD, he notices that the text on the mother-screen – via which audience members can text each other from their mobiles – is smaller than it used to be. He calls over the lighting director and suggest that “maybe… it might be better if… don’t you think?” Moments later, with the text size already increased, Macca is onstage running the band through the entire show – not that they seem to need it. The set runs almost faultlessly, synchronised with the lights and screens to such an extent that even the ‘Na Na Na’ audience participation section of Hey Jude is rehearsed in real time, with Paul exhorting the imaginary throng – “OK, just the ladies now… fantastic… now just the guys…”

He’s on-stage, performing with more energy than at any time since the heyday of The Beatles, for almost three hours in all, but he comes off at the end barely out breath, and we repair once more to the inner sanctum.

It’s interesting that you use the on-stage screens during Lady Madonna as a gallery of feminist icons…

They actually had Madonna among the visuals, but I thought that was too obvious. So they asked what I’d like to replace Madonna with and I said, “The Queen Mother.” This was two weeks before she died, so when we started touring ti looked like we’d put her in as a tribute.

I didn’t notice Yoko Ono either. Are you two still feuding?

I know that’s the public perception of it, but I do not have a bad relationship with her. We’re not enemies, me and Yoko. We send each other Christmas cards and everything. She’s more like a distant relative.

But you are tussling over the credits to the Lennon-McCartney songs…

There’s no tussle at all, but if, on my songs, like Hey Jude or Yesterday, which John openly acknowledged, particularly in the Playboy interview, that he had nothing whatsoever to do with… John actually made a list for the Playboy thing showing which songs were his and which were mine. I would be quite happy if, on one of the songs, it would be allowed, for my name to just come first. But I’m really not fussed. It’s not anywhere near as big an issue as it looks. It gets played up in the press. It’s a hot little story. And it makes me look stupid. “Why the fuck does he want that?” It’s actually just a very little request.

More importantly for me, it’s Trades Descriptions. It’s so complex and I hate to go on about it but, for example, I was reading a book, an anthology of poetry, and one of the poems in it was Blackbird, which is my lyric. And it said by John Lennon and Paul McCartney. Now John had nothing to do with those words, especially once they’ve been extracted from the music and put into a poetry book. I think it’s fair enough to put Blackbird in a poetry book by Paul McCartney. Give Peace A Chance… take my name off it. It was a great, great anthem of John’s.

It’s sort of a mild request I made to Yoko and it’s sort of been turned down. If she’d have said yeah, the publishing company could probably have sorted it out.

Do you think it matters more to other people than it does to you?

I don’t think anyone gives a shit.

But Alistair Taylor, who worked for you at NEMS and Apple for many years, told me he was very upset that you would want to change the credits. He says it was agreed at an early meeting that it should be Lennon-McCartney, and you agreed to that…

Well, number one, Alistair was not in the meeting where I agreed it. It’s all very nice these guys having these opinions, but here’s what I say and this is the truth. There was a meeting with me, John and Brian, in Hilly House, above a carpet shop in Albemarle Street. We went in and they said, “We’re going to call it Lennon-McCartney.” I said, “Well, OK, fair enough, but it would be good to have it occasionally McCartney-Lennon, wouldn’t it, just for fairness for me?”

And they said, swear to God, hand on heart, but there was nobody else in the room and they’re both dead, so there’s no way of me proving this, except I believe it, I was there, and nobody else who talks about it was there, and they said, “We can change it as we go along. And we can change it any time we want out of fairness.”

This was why, many years later, when the Anthology came about, I and Linda, who had just been diagnosed with cancer, rang Yoko, and said, “Could we just, on Yesterday, could we just switch that one track?” That was the original request. It was just for that one song. And Linda, God bless her, spent quite a bit of time ringing Yoko and that was the start of it all.

And now, I must just be resigned, because it doesn’t really matter, except from the point of view of this Blackbird credit. There is an unfairness there, I think. But it’s an unfairness I’m willing to live with. I don’t mind, and I do think it has rebounded on me a bit because people want to know, “What the fuck does he think he’s doing?” I’ve had letters from people saying, “Paul, you’re doing yourself no favours. I was a big fan of yours but this terrible thing of trying to ruin John’s reputation…” I’m not trying to ruin John’s reputation.

When Yoko was interviewed by MOJO, she said it wasn’t all black during the making of the White Album. There was some lighter moments. Is that how you recall it?

That’s absolutely true, yeah. We’d never have got an album made if it was as black as it was painted. It’s a good album. I remember we presented John and Yoko with an inscribed teapot, and that was a fun time. Unfortunately, because The Beatles were splitting up, the only thing anybody wanted to know about was the split.

It wasn’t all black, even then. We were all pretty friendly, and the times when we weren’t friendly was quite a small proportion of the overall thing. Unfortunately, that’s what gets remembered because it was the most significant proportion because it ended up in a divorce, as it were. In a divorce court, you don’t say, “Oh, she was really great. She’s actually fabulous, and I’m sorry we’re getting a divorce.” That’s what happened to us. Because of the circumstances we had to talk about all the shit.

I think because the Beatles had been by and large a happy, successful thing… four lads getting out of Liverpool, getting out of the working class money trap and doing well… that had all been an up vibe and then with drugs and stuff towards the end of the ’60s it was all taking a bit of a dip. The drugs weren’t working, nobody was giggling anyore, and the word ‘heavy’ came into the vocabulary.

Because all of that was going on it did get nasty. The thing with me having to sue the other guys. I wanted to sue Allen Klein but I couldn’t, so the only way to get out of everything for me and them was for me to sue them, and that was unconscionable, that was something I would never have thought of doing.

It was unfortunate because, in suing the other guys, not only did I get their backs up for a number of years, but the public perception was of me being the guy who sued The Beatles. I held off doing it for months, but it was pointed out to me that the only other option was to go with Klein. So I did it but, luckily, all things must pass, and it did pass. In the end, the others were glad I’d done it. There wouldn’t be Apple now. But it was a very ugly period, and ugly things I had to do to make it work.

You still seem very interested in politics, supporting the campaign to get ride of landmines. But the Wings single, Give Ireland Back To The Irish, was a very direct political statement.

See, I thought we were Irish. So it was a home problem for me… McCartney… Liverpool being the capital of Ireland… it was like a very personal take on it. What if there were Irish soldiers on the streets of Hendon or Speke? Would you like it? That was my take on it.

As evening falls over Docklands, McCartney is whisked off home to dinner with Heather, leaving a promise that if MOJO returns on Monday, a little more interview time will somehow be squeezed into a hectic day. Over the intervening weekend, his Radio 2 commercial, a radically reworked version of Band On The Run, begins airing, along with a short TV film about its making.

When we reconvene at the Arena on Monday morning, the ambience has changed. A troupe of dancers – including a young woman bent on squeezing herself into a tiny Perspex box – is rehearsing backstage; two insurance brokers have arrived to check out the pyrotechnics; the MOJO photography crew, rpomised first access to Macca, is anxious; and there’s an entirely new set to be rehearsed.

As before, Macca opts to take to the stage first. A guitar tech hands him a jumbo acoustic and they lanunch into For No One, followed by Things We Said Today, C-Moon, Honey Don’t… this is the Coliseum set. The band is still unfamiliar with several of the tracks so Macca strums through I’ve Just Seen A Face yelling out the chords as he proceeds. As Geoff Baker strolls past, MOJO inquires whether McCartney will perform Mull of Kintyre when the tour hits Glasgow. “Absoutely not,” says Baker. “We’re frantically seaching for a pipe band at this very moment for an entirely different reason.”

Up on the stage, McCartney says, “OK lads, let’s try Cor Blimey Luv!” and they thunder into Can’t Buy Me Love. Come lunchtime, he is unexpectedly taken off for a meeting in central London, but promises MOJO a swift return.

Two hours later, precisely as predicted, McCartney reappears.

A couple of the post-Beatles songs like Coming Up and Let Me Roll It seems to me to be much more powerful than the originals. Is this how you really intended them to be in the first place?

No. It’s an evolution caused by playing with this band. The parts are already there. What I like about this band is that I don’t really have to tell them. What I’ve done on this whole tour, this band, this new thing, is I’ve let everyone be, let them do their thing, and then if I don’t like it, I’ve reined it in a bit.

Rather than me dictating how to play it, I figure my dictatorial moments have happened – I wrote those songs and I did the original records, so now I don’t feel the band has to stick note-for-note to the original arrangements. It’s also a bit of a louder band than I’ve had before, a bigger sound, so that adds to it.

I know that Rusty is working on his own CD at the moment, but there’s presumably no chance in this band of the other members being allowed to contribute their own songs on the set?

I’ve had to take on the role of boss ever since Wings. It wasn’t like The Beatles any more. Denny Laine, for example, had the reputation of having done Go Now, so you might want to do that, but really the promoters and the audience tended to want to hear my stuff.

At your level of success, you’re effectively the head of a small company. How do you know whether the people are saying that what you do is great because it is great, or just because you’re the boss?

It’s almost impossible, but I think I’ve been at it long enough now to suss… I actually see people telling me, “That’s a great idea!” but I prefer people to speak their minds. So in this kind of team, they’re not just sycophants. They’re more likely to be people who’ll say, “Yeah, that’s a good idea but what if we did this?” And I’ll go, “Wow! Shit! That’s a great idea.”

Do you take to the role of boss easily?

I used to be frightened of it when I was younger because I thought, “We all hate bosses, don’t we?” But I had to get over it because with Apple, we suddenly had this company losing a lot of money we’d earned so I then had to actually tell people what to do – I’m talking about secretaries and staff, The Beatles was still a democratic thing, but we all became bosses then.

That was a strange moment for you, when you had to take over the business side as well as the creative…

We all had to do it, and that had all its famous problems associated with it. After that I had to decide how I would do it in my solo career, which is when I put MPL together. Very small beginnings, one little room in some film production offices, and at that point I really did become the boss. I had a secretary and everything, and then that thing grew, so yeah, I’ve got more and more comfortable with it. I don’t think I’m a very hard boss, but I kick ass when things go wrong.

Do you think your continued success over 40 years – which seems to include a fair number of younger fans – is a bit odd? It’s as if, in the ’60s, Al Jolson or Rudy Vallée had still been pulling in huge crowds.

I think our thing was stuff that goes for all generations. I’m singing things now that I wrote years ago and thinking, “Shit, that’s still appropriate.” Doing Calico Skies, for example, talking about “crazy soldiers, weapons of war”… and look at what’s going on around us right now.

I certainly don’t think it’s any reflection of the state of contemporary music. I think music right now is really great. I’m not an expert, because I’m not a kid buying it, but I always check out people who are said to be good. I’ll see somebody getting a Grammy and I don’t know them, so I’ll check that out.

For instance, I’d heard Eminem on the radio and I thought, “Clever. Good lyrics, good ideas.” So I just went to see 8 Mile and it’s a great little rock ’n’ roll film, like an Elvis film. I enjoyed it and I came out like when I was a kid, that feelgood thing coming out of a movie like you’re walking a bit taller.

What are the eternal verities of a great song?

It’s an indefinable magic chemistry which can come many, many ways. Starting at the top… it’s often a great title. It’s often great words, or great melodies, or great chords or a great sound… but the best ones have got them all.

And there’s always a magic moment. Send In The Clowns, for example, has that line about, “Isn’t it queer… oh, they’re here.” Or in The Drugs Don’t Work. I remember hearing that record, the acoustic coming on, but when he hits that line, it’s like, “Fucking hell, that has to be said.” It hadn’t been said before.

If I had to plump for one single element, it would be melody, because not all songs have got words. I can be moved by a great melody on its own.

Many artists adopt personas. Is that what happened with The Beatles?

We didn’t think that was what we were about. We felt more like a little group of students. It was more an art thing we thought we were doing. We were just (adopts exaggerated Liverpool accent) John, Paul, George and Ringo, you know? I think one of the great things about The Beatles, apart from the fact that we were damn good, was that we were very honest – that could be one of the things that has lasted. Also, we were artists. Our artistic development found a home in people’s hearts and they were able to follow it. Yellow Submarine is a kid’s thing; A Day In The Life is more grown up, so it was an interesting body of work.

It’s also a body of work that has haunted him ever since. Despite multi-platinum hits and a wealth of superlative tracks in his post-Beatles output, Lennon-McCartney remains the standard by which all contemporary songwriters, including him, are judged. John’s untimely death put him on a pedestal, moving him effectively beyond criticism, while McCartney got on with the job of living in the shadow of their unwieldy legacy. It must have been galling, for example, to release his acclaimed solo album Flaming Pie in 1997, while knowing full well that it would never match the sales of, or reap the critical plaudits heaped on The Beatles’ Anthology, a compilation of outtakes, backing tracks and rarities, which had been released two years earlier.

Nor did his renaissance man dabblings in classical composition, poetry and painting do much to revive public interest. But then, on June 11, 2002, Sir Paul McCartney married his ex-model girlfriend Heather Mills, in St Salvator’s Church, Castle Leslie, Glaslough, Ireland. Since then, although things haven’t gone exactly smoothly, it seems as if his life is more firmly back on track.

This is a man who obviously likes to be married, enjoys stability and finds pleasure in domesticity’s little routines, presumably to balance the whirlwind of activity that follows every move he makes outside of his front door. Watching him deliever the line, “Oh that magic feeling, nowhere to go” on the stage at Docklands, it suddenly seemed to rank among his most heartfelt.

Following the muted response from critics and public alike to his Driving Rain album of 2001, he makes no attempt to hide the fact that he’s revelling in the acclaim for and success of this tour in America, which has outstripped all expectations. For this 60-year-old knight of the realm to be the biggest-grossing US live act of 2002 – seeing off not just arch-rivals The Rolling Stones but also the young bucks – is clearly a source of immense personal satisfaction.

But who is he really? Bastion of the establishment? Rock idol? Contented hubby? Multi-talented renaissance man? Avant-garde pop genius? All of the aforementioned and more? Or just an old dopehead with a good head for a nice tune?

Over the years, you’ve been busted for marijuana in Scotland, England, Barbados, Japan, Scandinavia… you could probably get in the Guinness Book Of Records for being busted in most countries. Did anybody mention this in the process of making you a Sir?

No, nobody comes and says anything like that. You can be a terrible person and still be a Sir. It must be that way, because they gave it to me. The worst thing about being busted is that you go on computer records. So every time I go to America, they see my name on the database and they know I’ve been busted a lot, but I think they’ve sort of forgiven me. It’s like, “That was his wild youth but he’s all right now.” So they always let me through, but the drug busts, I have had to go and sit with the aliens in Customs, once or twice. It’s a bit embarrasing. That stuff never comes off your records.

What’s the most useful thing about being a Sir?

I can’t think of many useful things about it. George Martin says it gets you a good table in a restaurant, but I get a good table anyway. I ring up and ask for a table for 8.30 and if they say, “Sorry, there’s no tables left,” I will say, “This is Paul McCartney here.” Then you hear a bit of scuffling and suddenly a table becomes free. I don’t actually like doing that, but I will if I’m desperate. But I never say, “This is Sir Paul McCartney.” I never call myself that. I see it as being like a school prize. You don’t really go for it, but get it because of what you are. Like the art prize or the maths prize. It’s nice to get it because it’s an honour, a recognition of what you’ve done, but it doesn’t do you much good. For me, the best thing about getting it was that it was popular. A lot of people said, “Oh yes, he deserved that.” That was important to me.

How about Sir Mick Jagger?

Who cares? I think it’s cool. I don’t think it makes you anything. I think you are ‘it’ already and it’s a prize for being that thing. And Mick is Mick so that’s fine. I can think of people who should get them… like Eric Clapton. He’s a prime candidate. Sir Eric Clapton has a ring to it.

At your level of success, you’re effectively a company. How many people do you employ all told?

Normally, we carry about 140. When you’re in school or college, you’re a scruffy little bastard writing essays all the time, hoping one day that you’ll be a lawyer, a judge, a journalist, rocker, head of a company, your dreams are all there and I’ve actually got my visualisation. I feel very lucjy. I’m really aware that it’s not just me… I’ve had a phenomenal amount of luck.

Heather said, a few months back, that marrying you had brought her a lot of unhappiness. How do you, as a couple, cope with that?

I’d like to help her with it, and I hate to say this, but it’s more how does she deal with it, you know? I think the shock for Heather was that she’d been “Great model who overcomes accident and now she does a lot of work for charity and disabled people.” The minute she married me, it was, “Who does she think she is?” It’s really quite unfair, but she’s a sitting target. I think it did give her a lot of grief. The most grief, the worst thing about it, was that it actually affected the charities she was working for. People actually stopped donating because of what they read in the newspapers, which was largely untrue. They did a lot of silly things. There was a photo of Heather and I at Stella’s fashion show, and it looked like Heather was doing two peace signs with her fingers and some journalist said, “Oh, she’s copying Linda.” And actually, on closer inspection, it was my hands. But who cares? They’re just having a go. I mean, who gives a shit who gives a V sign?

They also claimed she was doing a cookbook when she wasn’t. We get asked to give a recipe to an Amnesty cookbook or a vegetarian society cookbook, so you do that and it comes out as she’s doing a cookbook. It’s changed a bit since the Parky show. A lot of people like that show, and she changed a lot of people’s minds. In fact, we were walking the dog in Regent’s Park this morning and somebody came up and said, “That was really good on the Parky show!” The main point she made that people appreciated was that with this sort of arbitrary press sniping, it doesn’t affect her so much as it affects the charity, and the disabled people who might have got a leg if there’d been the money raised.

Somebody in one of the papers even said she was under investigation for her charity work, and that completely undermines what she’s trying to achieve. It turned out not to be true but, as you know, the apology appears on page 10 where no one sees it three weeks after all the damage has been done. The same thing happened in the early days with Linda but, as Parky said on the show, it comes with the territory – marrying this guy. It’s not so much me, though, it’s just fame. The same thing happens if you marry Tom Cruise, or Michael Douglas. You get a load of shit. You may have married him because you love him, but now you’re a sitting target.

I noticed that George’s death elicited a very different reaction among my friends than John’s did. John’s was horrible because it was sudden and unexpected and he was young. But I think George’s death reminded my entire generation of our own mortality. It’s as if we measure our own lives alongside the lives of artists we loved. Did you get any sense of that?

To me, of course, it was more of a personal thing. Privately, I felt the same way about both of them. I had lost a dear friend who I would never see again. But when John died, because of the shock, during that day I was asked what I felt about John’s death and all I could stumble across was, “It’s a drag.” I couldn’t gather my thoughts. We were just in shock. I was just shouting stuff about the guy who’d shot John.

I was very lucky that my relationship with John had been healed. It had been vicious, but were phoning each other, talking about kids, baking bread, cats, being a husband – all the simple shit that really means a lot to me. That was the consolation before the terrible shock.

With George’s death, because we knew it was happening, I was able to be more considered in my reaction. I was able to go and hold his hand… but the bottom line is that I will see that man no more, and that’s a little bit horrific for me. When you lose someone dear you just wish someone could magic it all back again. And maybe there is some way, who knows, in the great beyond.

After all he’s been through, McCartney seems more at peace with himself than at any time since John’s death. He is keenly aware that, in the public perception, such actions as seeking to change the credits on Lennon-McCartney songs have tarnished his image, but he also knows that one of the greatest tricks of surviving immense fame is learning to recognise that you have an image, realising that your image isn’t you, and stepping away from it in order to get on with real life.

The punchline of that old song, A Satisfied Mind, is that, “It’s so hard to find one rich man in 10 with a satisfied mind.” There’s no telling how long it might last but it would seem that, for the moment, Paul McCartney is that one rich man.

Coming Up

While suffering a near-nervous breakdown during the Fabs’ prolonged disintegration, McCartney quietly worked on an ill-fated side-project that many now agree ranks among his best solo work. Chris Ingham basks in the understated glory of 1970’s McCartney.

Autumn of 1969, Paul McCartney was in a strange place. Feeling redundant following John Lennon’s announcement in an August meeting at Apple that he was leaving The Beatles, McCartney retreated to his farm in Scotland to drink, stay up, lie in and suffer what he would call “almost a nervous breakdown”.

At the same time, in the company of Linda, his bride of six months, step-daughter Heather and brand new baby daughter Mary, he also began to enjoy the ‘glow’ of being in a new family. By the time they returned to his St John’s Wood house for the winter, McCartney was sufficiently energised to do a little work from home. Plugging one microphone directly into a Studer multitrack with no VU monitoring or mixing desk, he overdubbed himself on drums, guitar, bass and keyboards, polishing his DIY recordings at Abbey Road (where he booked in as Billy Martin) and Morgan Studios, Willesden.

The resulting album McCartney – released in April 1970 simultaneously as The Beatles’ split became public knowledge – was almost universally received as a bit of a non-event. Modest, rough-hewn, semi-improvised, it was the unshaven opposite of The Beatles’ pristine work on Abbey Road which had appeared only eight months before.

Yet, over 30 years on, it holds up as a funky home-brew of a record, groovily lo-fi in a way that wouldn’t be fashionable for a couple of decades. The primitive experimentalism and bluesy jams that were for years dismissed as semi-distracted indulgence now sound, well, rather cool. The drumming is rudimentary but deep, the guitar playing bluesy and distinctive (and much admired by Paul Weller for one), the sound is warm and present, “very analogue” as McCartney recognises now.

And as an expression of where he was at – ‘home, family, love’ – it is as vivid as anything he ever did. The informal paeans to his new wife – The Lovely Linda, Oo You – are respectively radiant with natural affection and earthy passion while the majestic Maybe I’m Amazed confirmed that, when he felt like it, his ability to shape inspiration with unmatched pop craft was secure.

Elsewhere, if lovers of McCartney’s straightforward pop are short-changed – the delightful Every Night and Junk notwithstanding – it’s because he just felt like recording other things; the ethereal sound made by wine glasses (Glasses), a dusted-off Silver Beatles instrumental (Hot As Sun), or a rather compelling chant-and-percussion sound painting of an African tribe (Kreen-Akrore). It’s the very wilfulness of McCartney – the organic sound of an artist learning how to express himself in whatever way he pleases – that gives the album a “realness” that somehow appeals more with the passage of time.

As Paul wrote in 1970 to journalist Penny Valentine, who had spoken for many by expressing her disappointment with the record, “even at this moment it is growing on you.” It still is.

Timeless melody

A purveyor of silly songs? No, a compositional genius…

Peter Buck, R.E.M.: Ram is an amazing record. Ram On? That’s like something off Pet Sounds. The Back Seat Of My Car is amazing. Wings’ Wild Life is really cool. It just sounds like he was in the biggest band of all time, he goes, “Hey we just got a drummer, let’s make a record this week, without any songs!” Dear Friend is one of my favourite songs he ever wrote, which is probably about John. I love that song. I actually recorded it with the Minus 5. Needless to say, the stuff he did with The Beatles was pretty decent too. The thing that boggles my mind is that when they broke up, nobody was 30, and George was 26. He was 26?! Jeez.

Brendan Benson: It’s his genuine fascination for music and music theory, him as a composer, explorer and experimenter, especially his post-Beatles work. He’s a great arranger, the way he puts his songs together. Band On The Run is his masterpiece. It works on so many different level: it’s a simple pop record, yet the way he ties in the melodies throughout makes it something more. It’s a work of genius, so huge and epic yet never outstaying its welcome. He tears at the heartstrings with his mix of mellow, dark and pleasing sounds. There’s never anything harsh or abrasive, just super moody songs, full of melancholic nostalgia.

Andy Partridge, XTC: He’s so fab because he’s so ludicrously melodic and he’s not afraid to be soppy. It takes a lot of guts to do that. My favourite song? It’s Getting Better is so fantastically optimistic, with this great convoluted construction, twisting around. And that bass playing –it’s actually just like his singing, piping and flute-like. And Hello/Goodbye, those opening chords reach in like a ray of sunshine. Again, it’s ferociously optimistic. You know you’re going to have a good experience. It’s not this fake seriousness you get now. He’s never had a problem restricting himself to one thing – he can rock out, be avant-garde, do children’s music, pop for the teens… it’s preposterous that he’s seen as the second-best Beatle – I think the whole thing was an equally jewelled tug of love between them. Although I do wonder why you never see McCartney and Angela Lansbury in the same room.

Gladys Knight: For me it was when Paul took control of the group that The Beatles were at their best. He’s so gifted at writing words and I always choose songs for their lyrical content. I must have worn the grooves off Let It Be. I’d get up in the morning playing it, go to bed playing it, cook to it, clean up to it. The title track was just a song that touched my spirit and that’s why I decided to cover it, because it touched my soul.

Tom McRae: The man is a genius for melody. The second side of Abbey Road – particularly Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight is one of the greatest Beatles’ moments and Paul’s shining moment. It goes from this brilliant beautiful ballad, his voice so lush and romantic, to turning, in a split second, into a raucous rock number; the best of both sides of his art all in the space of one song. It’s so emotive and there’s a challenging simplicity in his melody and lyrics.

Ben Kweller: The first album I ever fell in love with was Let It Be. I was eight and listened to it non-stop. Paul’s lyrics are so focused on the subject matter and the emotion he brings to the songs is so sincere and honest. Those massive piano ballads like The Long And Winding Road just make me swell up inside. His voice is so pure and beautiful and his musicianship is often overlooked. He reinvented bass playing and excelled at the guitar, piano and drums.

[lanadelreyfiles-blog]

Lana Del Rey: “I've burned all the bridges for music” Teenager, Lana Del Rey was a daredevil. She remembers it on Lust for Life, a new album where her sovereign voice offers the widest gap, an intense collaboration with The Weeknd to a peaceful ballad with Sean Lennon. Interview by JD Beauvallet.

— You haven’t released anything since Honeymoon in 2015. How do you know or feel when you are ready for a new album? My problem is not to begin, it is to stop. Even when I think I am done with an album I continue to create, I always want to add one more song, and again one more. If I am not occupied with mixing in the end of the creation of an album, I continue to write. For example, two songs from the new album were composed during the finalizing of the predecessor. I can’t stop myself from working, I adore being in the studio, it makes me feel good. It has been like that for five years in the same place, in Los Angeles, where I work with the same small equipment at the studio of producer Rick Nowels. We spend our life there, as a gang. — So this means you have never known the fear of a blank sheet? It was a fear which overwhelmed me before I started to record real records. It was very present during the period before my success when I recorded simply for my own pleasure, when I wrote only for myself. I had the certainty that inspiration was gonna slip away and it was like that regularly, sometimes I was incapable of composing for six months.  But for 10 years now, I find inspiration easily – or it finds me. I have learned to be stimulated by it. Especially refusing to be lonely, I meet friends, I observe what is happening without any stress. I use my phone non-stope in the dictation mode, I have recorded countless melodies and words… It’s a bit scary, I must have 700 rough drafts of songs on my phone. I know the experience when a melody pops up in my head, I run towards my phone to record it, even if it is in the middle of the night. A good melody does not knock twice on your door. If you don’t welcome it, it’s gonna show up at another door. For example, during the recordings of Honeymoon, I always heard a melody inside my head which tortured me and which I did not capture. It sounded like the music of the Renaissance… I hummed this melody for months before it ultimately became ‘Terrence Loves You’ (Sings for a long time). — Teenager, you have the reputation of being a dare-devil. How does this express itself nowadays? My challenges are not physical, I take different risks. When I was 18, I drove like I was crazy, I was on sprees for days and nights without sleeping. I was more free, more spontaneous, I didn’t care much for the consequences… I have a lot of responsibilities today, towards my relatives, my partners… I am obligated to, for example, be on time. In the past, I had enough work to do with myself, just to maintain a living, before I could find time to occupy mself with others. In 2017, the risks I take is the level of melodies, my musical choices. But I think I have passed the dare-devil part and I am more of a nerd now (laughs). — What do you mean by ‘musical risks’? The co-existence of different songs on the same album, like the very complex ‘Lust For Life’ with the desert-like ‘Yosemite’, it is not very reasonable. One tries to put me off, one tells me the contrast is too extrem, but I love the two songs too much to exclude one because of the other one. These are the songs which make me life, and more than that, as well: they have some experience. — Have you become more patient the older you got? I did. I allow myself much more free-time nowadays. I can go to the studio at any time, I don’t have the pressure of a deadline anymore. Of the blow, I have let myself go a little with the song ‘Lust For Life’… I have worked on it on multiple days a week for one and a half year. It has passed every stage, it has started with a futuristic and dark vein like Blade Runner. Also, I have decided to return to a radiant Shangri-La like style… After working for some months, Abel (The Weeknd) joined to add his part. This song became my baby, an unmanageable and maleficent baby which made me crazy. I quickly understood that this album would sound like a trip, a mix. — Working with The Weeknd, did you learn new methods to work in the studio? I already once learned that I love to play with the buttons, the reverb, I feel more and more comfortable on the other side of the window. I can pass hours with a sound, it captivated me. Also, I spend time with the console in the studio, it doesn’t seem like working; it’s fun, exciting. I even read technical reviews, I’m a true geek (laughs)… Technically, nowadays, I would be capable of producing for other artists. The real question is, however: Even if I can, should I? Often when I jam with my friends, I can hear how the studio version would sound like. Maybe that’s my future. There is a serious lack of female producers in the music industry! — Your last two albums, ‘Ultraviolence’ and ‘Honeymoon’, were made on the West Coast and were influenced by it. How about ‘Lust For Life’? Four songs on the album reference Los Angeles, but the mood and aesthetic are definitely not West Coast like. I drove myself to remove this blurry, dreamy atmosphere. Songs like ‘Tomorrow Never Came’ and ‘Yosemite’ pick up the sounds of 70s folk, and if I would have to create an album concept in a day, it would surround the legendary Laurel Canyon particularly.   — One of the strong songs on the album is called ‘God Bless America’. How do you feel about the US nowadays? Around me, in the artistic milieu, we all share the same feeling of uncertainty, of fear, and the talk which arises. Women the subject of this song, are the most affected, the most referred to by the arrival of Trump. I have written this song prior to the big marches which seemed inevitable to happen. This rhetorical hate is not dignified for a head of state. The day after the elections was one of the hardest days in my life. I went to the studio nonetheless, to talk to the others. I want to be informed by reading everything, and see if I can get anything at all. Unfortunately, I can’t find anything that convinces me. — You have tweeted magical recipes to get rid of Trump… It was a joke. I read how witches of the entire world tried to federate at these dates and times to put a spell on Trump, I just relayed. But what is true is that my new videos contain references to magic and occult science. With the more cheerful, less dark side. I know people who converse with what is beyond. My music is in relation to ghosts. But without me.   — Recently, you have re-entered the scene with the festival SXSW. Did you need something after two years in the studio? I’ve played for an hour, it did me good. I feel more comfortable in a small bar in Texas, like on that day, than in a big stadium. It was the best way to start again after leaving the studio. For the first time in ages, I have played the guitar, to Yayo. It was one of my first songs, composed on the guitar back when I wasn’t Lana Del Rey (she got published, without any success, with the name Lizzy Grant in 2008). It’s a piece loaded with my emotions, it threw me back to this period, sent me back how I fantasized, how I felt. I was 20 years old, it was an amazing time in my life, I’ve discovered new people, love, New York… At the same time, I’ve studied philosophy at university, but in my head, it was always: “I am gonna be a singer”. I religiously followed the counsel of the book ‘Think And Grow Rich’ by Napoleon Hill, I have burned all the bridges to engulf in music. Yet, doing the studies of philosophy, I didn’t let myself offer many career possibilities (chuckles)… But it allowed me to ask many questions, which I could not find answers to. However, I’ve met people who are on the same wave-length as me. The philosopher Josiah Royce talked about the clusters of spirit, with their fundamental importance for your fulfillment. Those were the music fans who welcomed me, in the cafes of New York. — Who taught you how to play the guitar? I’ve been obsessed with music, with singing, but I have been very limited in going any further because I couldn’t play any instrument. Before going to university, I’ve taken a gap year and I have gone – by foot -  to my aunt and my uncle Tom at Cold Spring Harbor, a village on Long Island. Tom has showed me seven chords on the guitar. He had a marvelous voice, like James Taylor, but he worked on the Wall Street. Everybody told him he was wasting his talent. Thanks to him and his nylon-guitar course, I’ve finally had a plan for life. He gifted me with freedom… So, following this, I used to go to East-Village or Brooklyn one evening a week to play in the cafes, open-mics, at Sidewalk Café or Lay Lo Lounge… Without really knowing what I was doing, I played one of my songs in public. It was Yayo or a cover of ‘Buckets Of Rain’ by Bob Dylan (she sings loudly)… I’ve had only one reason to go on stage, to say “Listen to me.” — Have you been a disciplined student to your uncle? I have been very studious and disciplined. However, I didn’t make any real progress ever (laughs)… It was truly frustrating for me. It took me so much effort… But I didn’t have any visible talent. — But you already had your voice. I had one of my voices, the low-pitched one. The higher one, I am still working on. For example, on ‘Yosemite’, I sing with a very perched voice, which I haven’t used in years. I was really afraid of leaving this passage in, that my voice was too fragile, that it revealed too much of me… On Honeymoon, I’ve changed the key of four songs because I found them too high and it would’ve forced me to show my vulnerability. Henceforth, depending on how I use my voice, I can take that away or I show it, it offers an enormous liberty. The concert at SXSW, it really was a revelation for me, it allowed me to ask me certain questions. “What kind of genre do I sing? Which family do I belong to? Do I have the right to take some vocal risks onstage?” That was, on that stage in Texas, when I realized that my roots were the pure songwriting, the storytelling. On a smaller scale I have crossed paths with Joan Baez, with her taste for risks. Perhaps for the first time, I didn’t consider what could be expected of me. My songs have too often been a catharsis live…  I couldn’t do more than singing “I, I, I”… It only took me ten years to reach it (laughs). — How do you live the commercial aspect of music? I absolutely trust in my team, who always protect me which makes me feel comfortable. But regarding my debut, from where I came, I’ve lived the marketing like a sacrilege. But nowadays, I am much more relaxed. For example, even if that smile is ironic, I have never openly smiled like in the video of ‘Love’… This smile, it’s a mix of sincere joy and relief… And, well, irony. — Your music is ideal for “cruising” by car. Do you have any memories of long travels with your family and with music which goes along? My dad used to listen constantly to the Beach Boys in the car, to the point where he always wore a Hawaii-shirt, even in December! When I was very little, my parents moved away from New York to live in the mountains of Adirondacks, six hours north of the city. Twice a year, we made a long trip down to Florida, three days by car. I hated the cold of the Adirondacks, I’ve loved this trip, it’s rooted in me. I loved the heat which grew stronger and stronger while we drove through the two Carolina states (North & South Carolina). I remember how my little sister and I snuggled in the back, I dreamed what we would do together once we arrived in Florida. I can still see the restaurants in service stations, the waitresses and the warmth. Once arrived, during these weeks, I never left the ocean. — You drive there still? Since I can’t blend in with the crowd, I don’t go to the women’s demonstrations against Trump. But I am the cab driver for my sister, who otherwise doesn’t have one. I drive a Jaguar Sedan, which is completely crazy. A car from the mother of the easy-family, not necessarily sexy (laughs). The next one is probably going to be a Tesla. I had the chance to meet one of the founders of the company, Elon Music. With my sister, he invited us to visit the seat of SpaceX, I’ve already touched one of these rockets…. But to take off into outerspace, I’ll wait until Elon is on board – the final proof that this technology is safe. I am excited for what we still have to discover. — Speaking of creatures coming from another planet, you recently collaborated with Alex Turner and Miles Kane of the Last Shadow Puppets… (She bursts into laugher and claps her hands) They are truly hilarious, two madmen. They do not live far away from me, in Los Angeles.  I’ve begun to train two evenings a week in the studio of Miles, in the neighborhood of Los Feliz, to play with no goals with the Last Shadow Puppets. Then we go eat dinner together with their girlfriends in ‘La Poubelle’ What a squad! I can’t count the amount of times I’ve ended up on the ground because I was laughing so hard. They are capable of speaking to one another by singing, with improvised lyrics. For example, one evening, I’ve told Miles about the concert of Joan Baez which I attended. He has never heard about her. Alex made up a song on the spot “Miles doesn’t know who Joan Baez is” (she screams)… None is ever safe of their twisted humor. When I first met them, I did have the impression that I met musicians who only live for the music, whose only thoughts are about music. Singing with them is truly invigorating, there is no need to repeat anything, they always find a continuation. — With Miles Kane, can you speak with him about your passion for Liverpool FC? I think my manager Ben would rip my head off if I wouldn’t! Each match is about life or death for him. He took me to the Anfield Stadium, I was really amused on that day… — You told us a few years ago that you spend “a lot of time in (your) head”. Is that still the case? I have opened up to others. But most of the time, I still have that inner dialogue with myself. However, I feel less apart, less different than the others nowadays. I have the impression that I have finally connected to the world. It’s comforting. I have analyzed my life since I was a teenager, with enough detachment. — Do you still have your tattoo on your hand which reads “Trust no one”? (She shows it) I still do, but I am thinking about having it removed. Only because it is very identifying and I aspire to finally melt into the masses. It’s not about the message. Deep inside, I still agree with the message. Lust for Life out July 21st.

[thebigcitynightsband]

Bus King/Busking/Night Moves

That’s a photo of me and my ex-gf. I just found it last week in my bag that Jamie brought to me from Burlington, thanks Jamie bro. Happier times, man. We’re still friends but we don’t see each other much. That’s a repeating pattern with me. Me and a gal will break up, declare an intention to stay friends, and then I be their friend while they work hard at vanishing from my life and into the arms of some dude who hates me cuz I’m still her friend. Happened with Jessica, happened with Courtney. Next time I’ll just do the sudden severance. Seems to work for other people.

Well, fuck. I’ve been struggling a little bit lately. Still sober, still pissing in a cup every day. My hours got cut at work for a few weeks but they’re back up to full-time next week, where they’ll remain until mid-December. I’m trying to save my apartment, need to find a roommate to take over the lease, which requires first and last, which I don’t have but I’m trying to acquire somehow.

A few days ago I went busking for the first time in about a year. Queen and University is my corner, northwest side. I like it there because you get a lot of 905ers coming out of Osgoode Station to go explore Queen West, people who don’t ordinarily see buskers, so they’re generous. I can only play for about three hours on an acoustic before my fingers start to hurt too much to play chords, and you average about six bucks an hour. I write a lot of songs that way. “Make It Mine” off the new album was written while busking last year and I came up with a few new ones the other day. It was a good day, actually. I woke up broke and without food and ended the day with a full belly and a pack of cigarettes and an Arizona Iced Tea. I felt content. So I’m gonna go back out there tomorrow. And probably the next day too.

My laptop died and I almost lost the record, but I was able to extract the files after a few days of feeling numb and worried. I really like our upcoming album, the songs have kept me good company over the past year, and the thought of losing the whole damn thing, save for “Fighting Ways” which is finished, and a handful of others, was a little scary. It’s not gone though. Sweet relief. BCN songs are like cockroaches. They find a way. Cue “Long Distance King” in your head as you read that last line...”we’ll find a waaaaay, we’ll fiiind a waaaaay.” Glory days. Before everything went to shit.

Hey, know what’s a great record? Break Up Break Down by Reigning Sound. Listen to the quavering, breathless delivery from Greg Cartwright on this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fWcZKZR3jg

Another great one off that record is called “Want You,” a really sad, pretty ballad. I’d like to make an album of Memphis ballads some day, in the vein of Break Up Break Down. We’ll call it Fuck Up Fuck Off or something.

I set up my keyboard tonight with a mind to do some overdubs tomorrow. I’ve been avoiding doing keyboard overdubs on the album forever because I’m a terrible keyboard player and it takes a really long time to get a single coherent take and I don’t have the patience that I used to. I finished “Night Needles” from A Steamroller Named Desire in a single evening, and that song has probably the most piano of any BCN song. I doubt I could do the same thing now. I’m older now and runnin against the wind, as Bob Seger would sing. Has sung, whatever. Running Against the Wind. I love that song. “Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then” is a great line eh? Legend has it Seger wanted to cut that line but the producer told him how great it was, which it is. Oftentimes artists can’t recognize their own greatness. Years ago, when I was sixteen or so, I was trying to put together a set of acoustic covers in my bedroom. I remember doing “Leave It Alone” by Moist, which is pretty embarrassing now, but also “Against the Wind” and an acoustic version of the Smashing Pumpkin’s “Ava Adore,” which I was surprised to find has a very similar chord progression as “Against the Wind.” I mean, those two songs sound nothing alike, yet they’re very alike, chord-wise.

ANYWAY I’m rambling. Just finished an assignment for a client (I do people’s homework for them as a side hustle. Forty bucks here, sixty bucks there, it all goes into the giant hole I dug for myself the past few years.) I owe money to one guy who actually chased me this past January, up near Dovercourt and Hallam. I had to jump a couple fences but I got away. He’ll get paid soon enough. They all do.

I’m working on it man. Pushing against the tide. Runnin against the wind.

One last thing about that Bob Seger song: I’ve always thought that part where he yells “let the cowboys ride!” at the end of the song was stupid. Why couldn’t he have taken that part out? It’s so obvious that he was out of ideas and just mustered up the best open field imagery he could in the moment. Let the cowboys ride? Given the greatness that comes before that line, I can’t dismiss the song, even if it’s not as good as the immortal “Night Moves.”

A quick word about “Night Moves” before I go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mRFWQoXq4c I honestly think it’s one of the greatest all-time vocal performances. There are three distinct parts in the song that always give me shivers. The first is that irresistible “summertime summertime” part @ 2:19. The second comes in that great breakdown, when the title changes from a sexual innuendo to a somber, forlorn musing on the passage of time and how time can move slower when you’re bored, faster when you’re absorbed and excited. Ain’t it funny how the night moves...when you just don’t seem to haaaaaaaave as much to lo-o-se. It’s that “have” that always gets me...just the way Seger gives it the perfect amount of witsfulness and gravelly gravity. Fuckin killer. Singing is always a fine balance between technical proficiency and emotional delivery, but on that line Seger’s 99% heart, 1% technique, and it still sounds incredible. To me, at least.

The last part is in the final minor descending refrain @ 5:04, even though it’s just Bob doing a bunch of “ooooohooohoohhhs.” It wouldn’t be as good if that vocal came over the main riff, but it doesn’t. It comes over the same chord progression as the chorus, that sad lilting minor key descent. Every time, man. Every time.

I’ve been trying to cover “Night Moves” since 2007. I don’t think I’ve ever got past the first chorus. I just can’t sell it. Those aren’t my memories, they’re Bob Seger’s. I never existed in the 1950s America he’s singing about in the song, the America of taking your sweetheart to the drive-in, cruising the strip, going to diners and pushing coins into jukeboxes. That wasn’t my adolescence. So it’s a tough one to sing. You have to know when you’re beaten. That’s part of growing up.

I don’t talk to my Dad anymore. He hates my guts and so does his girlfriend. It doesn’t bother me except for when I hear certain songs...songs like “Night Moves” or “Walking On The Moon” by The Police...first time I ever heard my father sing on the way to Owen Sound for a hockey tournament I was playing...it was the chorus, that “no way, chasing your cares away” part, and we had sunflower seeds and that was the night I fell in love with highways and movement and travel and all that Kerouac stuff I’d get obsessed with later, all those fuckin notebooks I filled with eager scrawling about road trips I hadn’t yet taken. I lost all those notebooks somehow, can’t remember maybe I tossed them all on purpose, kind of a year zero event. Too much in those notebooks was lines from existing songs. I remember one time going through an old notebook and seeing “the sea is foaming like a bottle of beer” and thinking I’d written it...nope...it was a Weezer song. I’d just scrawled out that one line hammered one night, drunk at 17, back when it was actually exciting to get drunk and not a sad chore like it later became.

I’m going busking tomorrow. I might not be able to do “Night Moves” but I can bust out “Against the Wind.” I ain’t licked yet. It ain’t over. I’m older now and still runnin against the wind. Let the cowboys ride or whatever.

Edit, PS: That was a really dramatic fuckin post. I’m sorry. For some much-needed levity, here’s a picture of me from last week. Some friends visited while I was in bed, and I came out to say hello still holding my book.  PPS: Hey, know another great Bob Seger song? “Still the Same,” especially those ghostly backing vocals in the second verse. Check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HjDpKeiYxOU PPPS: Hey, know another song that has cool ghostly additional instrumental in the second verse? Bruce Springsteen’s “Downbound Train.” It’s not his greatest song and I don’t like Bruce’s overdone “blue collar accent,” the dumb slurring he likes to do in order to sound more like a mechanic making $20 000 a year, but that beautiful synth organ that comes in on the second verse is just heartwrenching, listen for it @ 0:49: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nc_mv46NwT4 The organ has a pretty sweet solo for one-bar starting at 1:21. If I could get that organ tone, I wouldn’t put off doing keyboard overdubs, lemme tell ya son, I tell ya what.