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transboygenius · 6 years

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SE4SON: Chapter 9

[*Following afternoon*]

Libby and Cindy had just finished school, but before they were ready to go back home, Cindy decided they should dine out for a bit. It was Friday, and Cindy wanted to celebrate the fourth day without Neutron. She didn't even bother to ask herself where he could be, and neither has she felt the same way about Nick, but it's not like she even cared about that loser anyways. A few days without Jimmy Neutron was all she needed to properly recover. She was even in such a good mood, she said hello to Betty Quinlan as she passed. That's right, Betty Quinlan, one of Cindy's least favorites. She has never felt this good since her parents threw her that really, really expensive party for her 8th birthday, one Jimmy wasn't invited to, obviously. She can still remember her father crying from how much money he spent.

Cindy and Libby then stopped at a pedestrian post, where Cindy pressed the button and both waited patiently for the walk signal. While waiting, Jenny passed by them on her skateboard, attempted to jump over a fire hydrant, and then broke her leg. The two girls just shrugged at each other. As the walk signal flashed, Cindy and Libby crossed the street to the restaurant on the other side. It was a Japanese noodle joint called The Ramen Bowl, built in the spot McSpanky's used to be. When they entered, they were greeted by a waitress dressed in a komodo, who bowed in respect. After taking them to their seats, the girls then ordered ahead. Tempura soba for Libby, and regular pork roast ramen for Cindy, with a coupon for a free whole fishcake. Cindy also ordered a few side dishes, such as karaage and onigiri.

"Eat as much as you want, Libby! It's my treat!"

Libby should be happy, if not grateful, having to eat all of this delicious Japanese cuisine without paying for it herself, but she felt in her gut that Cindy is maybe being a little insensitive. Jimmy is still missing without a trace, and his mother is put into a deep struggle trying to find her only son. Carl and Sheen are beginning to mourn over their friend's disappearance as well. Even though nobody else missed the Neutron boy, everything has gone dull without the big headed kid around. Libby couldn't help but also worry about Jimmy. And here is Cindy, smiling brighter than a supernova, celebrating with a big meal spent with her own allowance. A child is missing, and she's acting like she just won the Nobel Prize.

"Aren't you at least bothered by Jimmy's disappearance the slightest, Cindy? I mean, the boy has been gone for four days, with no clues to speculate his whereabouts. It's like he's never gone anywhere and just got erased from reality." "Knowing those cute little goobers he calls his inventions, it could've happened by accident." "What?" "I said it's not even your problem, Libs! So why should you worry? You're not responsible for why Neutron is gone." "Look, as much as I'm not too keen on Big Head myself, I can't help but worry for his friends and family's pain. If I were missing, I can't imagine what shock it'd bring to my folks, loosing their only child they've spent 11 years raising and loving. What if something drastic happened to him? Like, he could be--" "Dead? Ohhoho, c'mon, this is the boy genius we're talking about! If he can survive a daily pummeling brought up by Butch every school day, I'm pretty sure he can survive any wonders he encounters in the big wide world! It would take more effort than a giant chicken, or a league of villains, to kill him!" "I'll give you credit for showing some concern, but this is serious. On top of that, Nick has been gone the same number of days as Jimmy's absence. Don't you find that coincidentally stran-- Hold up, girl. Can you run that by me again?" "It takes more than corny, predictable villains to snuff him out." "NO, before that!" "That he could be out there in the big wide world? Like, lost in space, or maybe a different country. Somewhere."

That's it! Maybe Mrs. Neutron hasn't looked hard enough yet! Jimmy Neutron is no ordinary preteen kid. If he's not on Earth, we know where he would be. Possibly, in a galaxy far, far away.

"Thanks for dinner, Cindy, but I gotta go take a rain check! See ya then!"

Libby got out of her seat and stormed out of the restaurant. Wherever she's going, she seemed inspired. Just as soon as Libby was gone, the food had then been served.

"LIBBY! Oh sure, bail on your best friend. Looks like more noodles for me."

And so to speak, what Libby had said earlier really crossed Cindy's mind. Nick has been gone long as Jimmy has, and just like Jimmy, no clues could be found. According to Sheen's knowledge, they both vanished on the same day. He also mentioned they were handcuffed together the last time he saw them, but how long have they been jointed? A intellectual like Jimmy would have easily gotten those cuffs off his wrists by now, and if they're still handcuffed, finding them would be no needle in a hay stack. What if they're not really missing? As any young stupid boy would do, maybe they both ran away together, as friends or enemies. Cindy's not so certain it's appropriate enough to entitle them as friends, judging from what she's seen from their interactions so far. They never socialized that much, but they never looked like they hated each other either.

Could they be somewhere up on a hilltop, in another country, performing a macho ritual by beating each other to the death for Cindy's love? Nah. Compared to Jimmy's strength, Nick would've easily creamed him, and hell knows it wouldn't last for four days. Plus, she still doesn't know whether or not Nick returns her feelings. Even if he did, she'd date him just to rub it in Neutron's face. It would be out of a crush, but she lost interest in Nick after he became washed-up. Could they be in a faraway state, made a truce, and then started their own business corporation for men who want to get their women off their backs? Nope. Two of them are both still kids, so there's no way they have enough money to open a business. Plus, how would Jimmy even talk Nick into aligning with his sexist organization? Cindy has always seen Nick as a ladies man, despite ignoring his female company.

Could they be stranded on a deserted island together, living at peace, and being happy-- No, no NO! No way! Nuh-uh! Never! That's her and Jimmy's story! She refuses to picture Jimmy being happy with someone else on a deserted island that isn't her, even if it is another boy! Wait, why does she even care? Why should she care? She doesn't love that pompous, self-righteous, know-it-all anymore. She needs to remind herself that he broke up with her for his own "selfishness." Wherever he is, good riddance to him! His whippy dip hair better not turn up in Retroville anytime soon! He can go marry Nick, for all I care! She took her chopsticks and greedily slurped at her noodles, then stuffed some karaage and a rice ball into her mouth. She barely gave herself time to chew her food. With Jimmy reentering her head, the only thing she could do at that moment was eat the memories away.

..............................

[*Seven hours earlier, during medieval times*]

Jimmy and Nick spent the night in a small barn, sleeping on beds of hay, while each had their own blankets. In the barn, they were accompanied by one cow, five chickens, and Butterscotch the horse. Butterscotch had his own blanket as well, including a pillow and a teddy bear. One of the chickens, who happened to be a rooster, woke the entire barn by letting out a good ol' fashioned cock-a-doodle-doo! Annoyed but very tired, Nick slammed his fist down on a hen sleeping next to him, thinking it was an alarm clock. Then he realized alarm clocks weren't exactly invented yet. The angered hen pecked her beak on Nick's forehead as revenge, which really woke him up. Jimmy awakened while rubbing both of his shut eyes. They got up to their feet as they stretched and yawned.

"Morning, little dude. Had a good sleep last night?" Asked Nick. "Not exactly. The hay wasn't all that comfy." Replied Jimmy. "Tell me about it. Sleep was much more comfortable when we were still handcuffed."

The two boys faced forward, and saw Rodent Girl sitting on the window, with a mug in her hand. She was staring at them, and what's scarier was she didn't blink.

"Can we help you, Miss?" Asked Jimmy. "Oh-no-need-for-that-young-gents-me-was-just-watching-you-in-your-sleep!"

And the way she talked, she sounded more energetic than usual.

"Wwwwwhy?" "Mitzi-wanted-me-to-watch-over-you-two-like-a-hawk-and-to-make-sure-there-isn't-any-funny-business-going-on-around-here-do-you-think-of-me-as-some-sick-soul-who-watches-people-in-their-sleep-for-my-own-pleasure-cuz-me-don't-do-that-me-has-decency!" "Mitz- She made you stay up here all night?" Asked Nick. "She-didn't-made-me-she-asked-me-to-she-isn't-all-THAT-mean-and-she-provided-me-with-all-this-coffee! *Sips from mug* Mmmm-this-is-some-good-define-enrichment-too-bad-these-beans-are-very-pricey-but-it's-not-like-we're-paying-for-them!"

Despite the window being opened, she exited through the main door instead. Mitzi really doesn't trust them, Jimmy thought. Will she continue doing this? The boy genius will have to build a door lock, and some shut-in windows, because how will they ever have a goodnight's sleep when some weird lady, that looks like a runaway from the circus, is watching them through the whole night? Or maybe worse; They won't wake up the next morning. And what did Rodent Girl mean by not having to pay for very expensive coffee beans? Well, it's not like all of it will even matter, anyways. Jimmy just needs to gather up the needed supplies, build a new time machine, and get away from this freak show. Also, if Mitzi can't trust them, then the boys have every right not to trust her back.

Nick performed a couple of morning routine stretches to loosen up his joints, since his limbs are still a bit rigid from being handcuffed for three days. Jimmy was inspired by Nick's workout and gave it a try himself, but since he never worked out or exercised daily like Nick has, his entire body went stiff. As much as Nick had the urge to laugh right now, he resisted and helped loosen the small boy's limbs by stretching them out himself. And yes, it was quite painful, but yet Jimmy didn't scream nor cry. Science is the only major he's good enough for, while physical activities are his weakest point. Maybe he needs to put a little more effort in P.E. for a change. Or maybe have a tall, strapping, good-looking guy like Nick show him the ropes- UGHHH, what am I doing? What am I thinking? Jimmy almost found himself infatuated for his new friend. Nick is pretty darn handsome, but Jimmy can't see himself romantically involved with someone of the same gender. Boys were meant to have girls, and girls were meant to have boys. That's what they say and that's how it has always been. Right?

After restoring Jimmy's joints, the two wandered off to find the shed that held all the stuff they need to build a new time machine. It didn't take them that long, and it was actually easy to find. Diana was there, bench pressing a wheelbarrow, the same one they carried uphill yesterday, loaded with a bunch of random junk. Actually, through Jimmy's eyes, they looked pretty useful to make a new time machine with, but they're all probably Diana's, so they should just take whatever is in the shed that will work. When Diana noticed the boys, she held the wheelbarrow midway and greeted them with a warm good morning! Jimmy and Nick returned the good morning back. Jimmy grabbed hold of the door handle and opened the shed wide. His excitement soon died down when he found that the shed was cold empty.

"Uh, Miss Diana, ma'am? Wasn't there suppose to be a lot of things in there you said we could use to make a new ride back to our home?" Asked Nick. "Huh? Oh, sorry about that, boys. I didn't know what time you'd be up by, so I'm using all this stuff for my morning warrior aerobics! I dare not to miss out on one workout, otherwise my thews will become tender-loins!" Replied Diana. "That's nice and all, but may we have them now?" Asked Jimmy. "Not now, at least not until I reach 230,000!" "And how far do you have?" "109,485 more to go!" "What are we suppose to do by then?" "We could always talk some more." Nick suggested. "Well, thee can always head inside the hut for a big, hearty breakfast Benson hast did prepare himself! His cooking's not that good, but it is satisfying. Worry not about me! I'll has't a bite as soon as I'm done here! I never consume food before workouts, because then I'd receive stretch marks and nausea." "Thank you, Diana."

Even though neither Jimmy and Nick were hungry yet, it would be nice to fuel on some protein and nutrients for energy. Actually, back in the twenty first century, Jimmy's "protein and nutrients" were sugarcoated cereals and toaster pastries, which he yearned for right now. Whatever Benson has cooking up, the boys can rest assure the meal will be decent, and overall filling. When they reached the hut, they walked right into an argument between Rodent Girl and Benson. Rodent Girl was talking normal again. The caffeine must have worn off by now.

"PORRIDGE? Again?! We have four hens, why don't we have some eggs for once? Me need protein, not this tasteless gunge!" "Add honey or fruit, if you must. You know we are on a tight budget! And as for those eggs, they are meant to be kept incubated so we couldst breed more chickens. More chickens means more rations to feed this home, plus two new guests!" "What about those two eggs you kept stored in the bottom left cupboard? You don't plan to incubate those, do ya?" "Uh, um, those are saved... ...for an emergency!" "We have an emergency right here, you liar! Me young, me hungry, and me elevating in TEENAGE HORMONES!"

Nick coughed, which then ended the argument.

"My deary me, I apologize you two had to witness that! Please forgive Miss Oona. She's going through a stage of teenage hormones! Or whatever it is that rats develop.” Said Benson. "Don't make me bite you." Replied Rodent Girl.

Nick didn't say anything and just marched up to the cupboard Rodent Girl mentioned the two eggs were stored, which then upset her.

"HEY, what are you doing with MY breakfast?! Just because you're a guest, doesn't mean you have the right to abuse your hospitality!" "Just leave it up to me, gang. I'll be sure to fix you a breakfast that will leave you full until dinner." Nick replied, juggling those two eggs.

Everyone, including Jimmy, was confused as to what Nick could make with only two eggs. By now, he could only fix an omelette for one, and that wouldn't be enough for a house of six to share. But an egg dish wasn't really what Nick was aiming for. He set the eggs down on the counter, and fetched some other ingredients; Sacks full of flour and sugar, a bottle of milk, soften butter, a salt shaker, and a tin can labeled "baking soda." Before he was ready to start, he borrowed Benson's apron. First, he cracked the eggs into a separate bowl, then beated them until they became fluffy and stiff peaks formed. Next, he folded in the sugar and melted butter. After that, he sifted the dry ingredients into the egg mixture. The milk was mixed in last. Everyone in the room watched him like he was putting on a show. When the batter was completed, he ladled some onto a hot skillet greased with butter.

Right before their eyes, he was flipping hot fluffy cakes on the stove, and made just about enough to feed an army. The arousing aroma from Nick's creation whet their appetites. Nick commanded everyone in the room to hold their plates up, and so they did. Wielding his spatula, he tossed the edible disks into the air, and pretty soon everyone's plate was stacked with fresh, thick pancakes. Benson got out some maple syrup, and began pouring. Jimmy cut off a piece and put it in his mouth. The taste was more than delicious. It was sensational. He has never tasted pancakes like this. They were beyond compare to his mom's. Nick sure is amazing. He surprisingly knew how to cook, despite his young age.

"Oooohhh! Hotcakes! You see, Benson, this kid has proven to have much more manlier savvines than you, and he's like, thirteen years old?" Said Rodent Girl, intended to offend Benson. "I'm twelve, actually." Nick corrected. "Nick, I've never tasted anything like this before. I didn't know you could cook. Why didn't you tell me?" Said Jimmy. "Well I thought, since we're friends and all, I wanted to surprise you. You're the first person, in the twenty first century, besides my mom, I've ever cooked for." "Really? Well, surprised I am! You got a hidden depth! You know, if professional skateboarding doesn't work out for ya, you could always land a career in culinary arts! How long have you been at this gig, anyways?" "Since I was nine. My mom works from 9 AM to 11 PM, which means she doesn't have time to fix me a hot meal. She leaves me with all those microwavable TV dinners in the freezer. I wouldn't say they tasted bad, but they certainly didn't taste like dinner. Or food, for that matter. By then, enough was enough, and I was really craving for Mom's authentic Brazilian dishes. So, I took her handwritten cookbook from off the shelf and tried to duplicate some of the recipes in there. I may have burned a little, twice, but I was very young. Eventually, I took a few lessons from Mom, and pretty soon I got the hang of it. As I grew older, I started to improve, and even began experimenting my own original recipes." "Experimenting, huh? Heh, the way you put it out, cooking does seemingly sound just like science. ...in a cultural sort of way."

Nick chuckled. He wasn't laughing at Jimmy, he was laughing with him. His other friends (fake friends, as he would like to call them) would've made fun of and teased him for cooking, since it's not seen as a manly hobby. Nick was a little tense that Jimmy might've ridicule his art as well, but instead he impressed him. Even better, he compared it to the thing he loves the most; Science! If Jimmy can accept Sheen for being an Ultralord fanatic, or Carl for having a llama fetish plus a creepy one-sided crush on his mom to boot, guess he can accept his new best friend being a chef, especially if the food taste good. If Jimmy ever became his, he'd prove himself to be a worthy husband. When he wakes up, breakfast will be on the table, his lunch will be warm, and dinner will still be hot when he gets home. Everyday, he would shower him with his finest desserts, and feed them to his face. But since that will never likely happen, he could always just cook for him as his friend. And his slutty tram- wife could have some too.

Before Rodent Girl was ready to dig in, she tied a napkin around her neck, poured her syrup, and some melted cheese, then positioned her knife and fork. But right there, she fell face down on her pancakes, like she had dropped dead.

"OH MY GOSH, is she alright?!" Jimmy asked, feeling concerned. "She's fine, young man. Her caffeine rush just now blew a gasket." Benson replied. "Has anyone seen Mitzi anywhere? So far we haven't seen her around lately. Unless... (...she's spying on us. ...somewhere.)" Asked Nick, holding a tray loaded with pancakes, and looking around cautiously. "She's currently at work, and she won't return until afternoon." "Well, if she's not here, looks like she's out of luck! Here Jimmy, have some more pancakes!"

Nick stacked some more flapjacks on top of Jimmy's stack, which almost covered his huge head.

"I don't think I can eat that much, Nick." "Just-make-sure-you-don't-leave-any-for-her-if-you-catch-my-drift." "What?"

Outside...

"79,326! 79,327! 79,328!"

Diana was continuing with her bench pressing. Butterscotch was now on the wheelbarrow, with a cup of tea in his hoof, to help add a little more weight. Suddenly, the scent of hotcakes pierced through her nostrils. Smells like Benson whipped up something good for once. However, she refused to give up on her routine until she's finished. Thus far, the more she indulged the scent, it brought her abdomen into grumbles. Looks like she chose the wrong day to work on an empty stomach. Whatever he's serving, it might all be gone by the time she reaches 230,000, and it didn't help that the smell was tempting. Ahhhhh, but who cares anyways? The stuff is probably fatty, full of calories, and could clog up her arteries. If breakfast is gone, she could always settle for meat, vegetables, or raw fish.

"(THE HELL WITH IT!) 229,998! 229,999! 230,000!"

She tossed the wheelbarrow aside, while Butterscotch was still on it. Now's the time to get to breakfast before it's all eaten. Her horse was very disappointed.

"*Neigggghhhh!* (That's a penalty, Missy! A penalty!)"

#Jimmy Neutron #Boy Genius #Nick Dean #Cindy Vortex #Libby Folfax #Carl Wheezer #Sheen Estevez #Season 4 #fanfic #romance #adventure #TVverse #TVEE

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softkent · 6 years

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snow, snuggles, and shitty

Kent Parson/Jack Zimmermann, Jack Zimmermann & Shitty Knight Rated M Tags: Snowed In, Injury Recovery, Anxiety, Coming Out, Temporary Mobility Aid Chapter 1/? 2.1k words

for @parsebingo squares snowed in, injury, recovery, shower sex, bed sharing.

read on ao3

Before the Aces announce Kent being put on IR, he texts Jack, asking if he could come for a quick visit while his knee rests. Of course Jack immediately thinks of how it would be to wake up next to Kenny again, to just be close to him, but his rational side speaks first.

Doesn't the team need your support? What about training? Kit needs--

Kent fields the questions sufficiently enough for Jack to concede. He books his flight before Jack can change his mind.

Jack isn't worried. Really. Everything is going to turn out fine. None of this is going to cause him any problems. Everyone won't think anything of Kent coming to visit him. The world knows they're friends. His friends know he and Kent are friends. No one will look beyond that.

Okay, Jack's worrying a little. He's talked things over with Kent, who reassured him for the hundredth time that things are gonna be fine, but Jack's anxiety didn't get the memo. He takes in a long breath through his nose and puffs it out through his mouth in a frustrated sigh.

With everyone else out for classes or studying, Jack has the Haus to himself, awaiting Kent's arrival. He’s picking away at the blanket covering the green couch waiting for Kent to knock on the front door. With each passing minute, Jack comes up with more reasons for Kent not to be here. He'll hate the Haus, the couch, berate Jack for using the roof as a room, and so on. He realizes all these passing problems aren't real. Kent wouldn't judge him.

A rapping on the door makes Jack jump out of his thoughts.

“Ziiiiiimms!” he can hear Kent whining a little muffled out on the porch. “I’m freezing out here!”

Jack gets up and jogs to the door. When he swings it open, a gust of biting wind blows into the house followed by a shivering Kent with the help of crutches. He watches as Kent bends down to unlace his boots.

“You’re the one that wanted to come visit me in winter,” he reminds him, reaching out to hold his shoulder when he sees Kent swaying a little with his weight on his bad knee. “Here, let me,” he says in a huff.

He bends down himself to untie the boot himself. Kent looks away from Jack’s ministrations and bites at his lip. If it weren’t for the cold outside, Jack thinks the pink on his cheeks is from the embarrassment of needing help.

“Thanks,” Kent whispers when Jack sets his boot beside the other near the other shoes littering the entrance way. “We, uh, we alone?”

Jack stands up, taking his time to let a smile spread across his lips when he’s looking down at Kent’s hazel eyes. He nods, knowing what’s coming. He throws his arms out to steady them both when Kent jumps forward, grabbing Jack’s face and bringing him down into a kiss.

Immediately, Jack is pulled back into the thousands of kisses they’ve shared over the years. Kent’s hands are cold, but sure holding his face like it’s something precious. They’re chests press firmly together. Jack bends down a little to make the reach easier on Kent with his one good leg. Jack’s chapped lips catch a little against Kent’s, but neither of them pay it any mind.

Kent pulls back enough to smile wide at Jack. He’s familiar with this look--so open and warm. Jack knows he looks the same--looks like he’s brimming with love. He leans in to press a peck to the corner of his smile.

“Thank you for coming,” Jack whispers to him and slips his hands firmly around his boyfriend’s middle--holding him close as he buries his face into his neck to breathe him in.

“Hey,” Kent says, patting Jack’s back. “Don’t mention it. This is a completely selfish trip.”

They laugh for a moment as they appreciate each other’s presence. Jack can’t remember the last winter he felt this warm. Jack’s foot nudges Kent’s bag, making a point and distracting him from the flood of butterflies in his stomach.

“Want me to get this upstairs? I can’t have you eating it trying to juggle things while climbing the stairs with that,” Jack explains, nodding to his crutches.

Kent rolls his eyes. “I got up that hell of a sidewalk all on my own, big guy, with ice! I think I can handle a few steps.”

Jack puts his hands up in defeat. “Alright. Guess you don’t need me to carry you up either, then.” His boyfriend’s eyes go wide for a second and he opens his mouth to protest. “No, no. It’s all good. You can handle yourself.”

“That was before I knew you carrying me was an option. You know how much I...enjoy you lifting me.”

“Or is it why I’m usually lifting you that you enjoy?” Jack asks, walking off into the living room.

Kent hobbles after him, scoffing. "Well, nobody told me that was on the table!"

He collides into Jack with groping, hopeful hands. Jack keeps their balance, again, and wonders if he'll end up getting injured himself before Kenny heads back to Las Vegas. He still wasn't sure how long Kent will be staying.

Like he'd suggested, Jack quickly bends his knees and gets his hands under Kent's ass. He lifts him up to wrap his legs around him, giving him ample time to steady himself without hurting his knee and starts walking up the stairs, duffle bag forgotten by the front door.

“Jackie-boy! You aren’t going to buh-lieeeeve what that white supremacist asshat said in class today,” Shitty yells once he’s inside the Haus, knocking the snow off his boots.

He looks up when he doesn’t get his usual hello. A few feet down the hall is a duffle bag next to a pair of crutches. He toes off his boots without bothering to unlace them and hops in stocking feet away from the entryway in an attempt to avoid wet socks.

Shitty peeks into the living room. Jack’s school stuff is on the coffee table with the TV off. He looks back to the duffle bag and crutches. On top of the bag, an Aces hat is resting upside down. One of Shitty’s eyebrows shoots up as a large smirk pulls up the corner of his mouth.

Before Shitty heads upstairs to put away all his class shit, he picks up the duffle bag and tucks it beside the stairs, out of the way, and picks up the crutches. Since nobody’s down here, whoever needs them is probably going to need them getting down here. Though he’s pretty sure he knows who must be up there with Jack, he doesn’t let himself fully think it. Jack’ll tell him, or he’ll find out eventually. No need to ponder it. He thinks about knocking on Jack’s closed door, but instead quietly leans the crutches beside it and tiptoes down to his door.

Jack wants to thank his therapist for suggesting he focus his schedule around morning classes. He knows it was meant to help him get up and out of the house first thing so he won't have time to dwell and build up his anxiety, still being partially asleep, but if one of the perks is the entire afternoon in bed with his boyfriend maybe he should send her some flowers...

"You sure you don't wanna do online school and come live with me?" Kent asks through his heavy breathing and blissed-out expression, laying naked and half on top of Jack. "I could get used to this."

Jack rolls his eyes and catches his own breath for a second. "You sure you don't want to get traded to the Falconers or something?" Jack asks with a smile, thinking back to all the times they've joked about this. "I could definitely get used to you being here."

Kent smacks what he can reach of Jack's ass and slides off of him onto the other side of the bed. He curses having forgotten to watch out for his leg and readjusts to stretch it out.

"Did you lie to me about the PT guy saying this was okay?"

"No! I would never lie about sex, Zimms."

"I meant coming here in the first place...Wait, did you really ask about sex?"

Kent laughs and nods. "Hell yeah, I did! Gotta ask the important questions: sex, showering, and driving. All of which are completely good-to-go."

Jack pulls Kent to him, letting him rest his head against his chest and places a quick kiss to the top of his messy, blond hair. "Does that mean you're ready to go again?"

Kent kisses Jack’s chest with a smile and licks his nipple in a fast, completely unsexy way. Jack finches away with an unexpected giggle, shielding his other nipple from Kent with his hand. From the glimmer in Kent’s eyes, he knows he’s a goner. Jack has never won a tickle fight in his life.

As the guys trickle on back home from a day of boring classes while they were wishing they were out playing in the snow or even just at home sleeping, the sky gets darker and the snow’s falling faster. When Holster stumbles in past the wind, the snow building in front of the porch is halfway up his shins.

Jack and Kent are warm up in bed with Jack’s laptop perched on his knees playing a cat video Kent insisted they had to watch before Jack could play another YouTube video in some series called Facts You Wish You Didn’t Know About Our Past Leaders.

Kent tells him again with deadly sincerity, “you can only go so far down to YouTube rabbithole before you come up for air and a good ole cat video and restart the cycle or you’ll end up watching some of the weirdest ever made by man at three am questioning reality.”

Jack’s giggles shake his stomach and computer so much the screen tips back so neither of them can see the video anymore, only causing his laughing to increase.

“You goober,” Kent chuckles and moves the laptop to the nightstand after pausing the video. “I think that’s enough of YouTube before we go insane.”

“Goober? Really?”

Kent tries to push Jack off the bed, but Jack grabs onto his arm. They shuffle back and forth for leverage until Kent tips backwards, head towards the floor, with Jack sliding over top of him. They’ve half laughing, half screaming when someone knocks on the door.

“You dyin’ in there?” Shitty yells through the bathroom door.

Jack tries to right himself, but Kenny slides out from under him to the side, causing Jack to slip onto the floor.

“Ow! Told you I’d end up injured! Nah, Shitty. Nobody’s dying!” Jack yells back to him.

He’s about to tell him to come in and say hi to Kent when he remembers their clothes are still next to his door instead of covering them up. He glances up to where Kent is sitting stark naked without a single iota of modesty, legs fully splayed, and stifling his laughter behind his hand.

Along his neck are a few red marks popping against his lightly tanned skin. A few streak trail down Kent’s chest where Jack’s fingernails traversed his body down to his hips earlier to get better leverage. In the back of his mind, he’s glad Kent won’t be stripping down in a locker room full of chirps and interns taking photos for social media.

“Alrighty, brah. What do you want for noms? Dining hall closed early ‘cause of the storm. I’m thinking pizza,” Shitty yells to him.

Kent looks at him expectantly. When Jack doesn’t answer straight away, he nods at him and motions to the door. Jack relents and tells Shitty they’ll be down soon.

“I thought you might want to avoid everybody for as long as you could…,” he mumbles while picking up his pants.

“Why would I do that? Hey, look at me…” Kent says, voice laced with concern. He waits until Jack turns back to him before he goes on, “I love you and am part of your life. I’m not going anywhere or trying to hide from your friends. I know you have good taste, so I’m sure we’ll get along.”

Jack looks away with a nod. The voice of his anxiety isn’t reality. Sometimes, it’s just so hard to separate the two. The nagging feeling that Kent’s just saying things to make him feel better sits in the back of his mind, but he choose to trust what he’s saying. Kent came all this way. He wouldn’t have done that just to hook up.

“Yeah, I know you’ll like ‘em.”

#check please #parsepositive #kent parson #parsebingo #edin writes #softkent

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commonsensewizard · 7 years

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A Few Things

A petition signed by 240 was aimed at changing the prom date at Brooklyn Technical High School because it conflicted with Ramadan. Thankfully, the school administration said the date would not change. However, all Protestants, Catholics, Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists, Jehovah’s Witness, Mormons, Seventh Day Adventists, Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, Quakers and others not Muslim will have to curb their appetite and be inconvenienced as food will not be served until the Muslims are allowed to eat per their religious restrictions. If you don’t see what’s wrong here, no amount of explaining will help you recover from your coma.

The Manchester bombing is another glaring indication of political correctness, lawyer insanity, and liberal thinking run amok. Here we have a guy on the ‘radar’, a man of suspicion, one on the ‘list’ of ‘possibles’, of whom they KNOW has gone to Libya, Syria and has shown multiple signs of radicalism...and yet he is allowed to roam free until he slaughters 22 and wounds many more. THAT’S when the reactive investigative forces go forth, bravely I might add, and begins to arrest more than a dozen people...and boy did they do it FAST and FURIOUS!!!! Man are they ON TOP of things. Talk about the proverbial closing the barn door after the horse gets out. Then, we have real idiots on this Manchester case who say, “Until we complete the investigation, we can’t be certain the case is closed.” YA THINK????? Well, thank you very much Captain Obvious. Our Western law enforcement folks are not allowed to be proactive to save lives, NOOOOOOO, they have to keep the ole cuffs on themselves for fear of being labeled racist, Islamophobic, profilers, Nazis, Fascists, or whatever sickening term you want to use. But when little girls get blown up, then the screaming begins and the finger pointing begins and the shrill screech for defense of the perpetrator’s civil rights from the left drowns out the blood curdling screams of the dying and those who lost them forever....right before their eyes. So, let’s keep doing it your way, liberals. No profiling, even though 99% of terrorist attacks on the west are Muslim. No proactive policing when the signs are there someone may be a real threat. We’ll just keep on waiting until they have a high body count, and then we’ll get cracking, boy! Let’s keep cheering the judges who cry ‘inhumane’ when our present administration wants the ‘law’ to be followed and wants to properly vet those who are coming from countries that vehemently and avowedly hate us and everything we stand for. Let’s keep on keeping on with what we’re doing. But, when the knife blade meets the flesh of your throat, don’t say a word about it. Not one word. It will be a bed you made.

Can you imagine the uproar if a comedian had held up a bloodied mask of Obama’s face in a photo shoot? Do you even want to imagine it? I don’t. The nuclear blast of offended-dom would have obliterated us all. Kathy Griffin, who has LONG used up her fifteen minutes and is desperately trying not to fade into the oblivion of being heaped on the garbage pile of irrelevance (as if she was ever relevant), was stupid enough to do that with a mask of Donald Trump, as if she was holding up his severed head. It wouldn’t have been funny with Obama, and it isn’t funny now. She has since apologized and that should make everything okay, right? Wrong. There is still something in this world that is called poor taste, and that qualifies. Many years ago an ‘artist’ displayed a glass case, filled with urine, that he had placed a crucifix inside, and labeled it “Piss Christ”. It didn’t offend me, because my God is big enough to defend Himself. He doesn’t need His followers to take vengeance for Him....like some others I’ve read about. But it was in poor taste. Just like Griffin’s main act has always been. She just took it to another level, and this escapade should be the end of her career. But it won’t be. The intense hatred and vitriol coming from the left will lift her up and she will be hailed as a hero. That is the level of indecency in which we as a nation have fallen into. On the series M*A*S*H, when Trapper was accused of having his mind in the gutter, he replied, “I can’t help it. That’s where the rest of me is.” Perfect description of our nation. Perfect picture of where we are when that type of garbage is allowed.

Why are we so distraught over this fat, goober looking idiot that is running North Korea? He is an idiot, but a smart idiot. He throws a missile in the ocean and the news media wrings their hands and goes into SPREAD THE FEAR TIME, wanting all of us to cringe at the thought of Kim Hung Chow lobbing one to Hawaii or, God forbid, California. If he’ll wait a couple of years, the San Andreas fault will take care of that La La Land for all of us. All we are doing is giving him what he wants. Like any spoiled little rich kid with power, he craves attention. Of all the countries in the world, this one is the most to be pitied. It’s people are starving. They have no hope. They have been told that when the rest of the world celebrates Christmas, they are really celebrating his grandma’s birthday. And they better clap and smile and be happy about it or they will be shot in the head. Little Lord Flat Tire for Haircut Head has banned Christmas, opting instead to make the country worship his grandmother. He’s not going to nuke us because he’s smart enough to know what would happen to his play pen if he did. No, he’s loving every minute of this notoriety and attention. If we really want to make him angry, ignore the little jerk, apart from sanctions that border national strangulation. Anything more, and we’re just playing the game he loves. It’s called, LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME!!!!!!

Lastly, but most importantly, was the nauseating story of Jacob Schwartz, 29, an up and coming Democrat in New York and on Mayor de Blasio’s administrative staff. Allegedly, he has been under scrutiny by law enforcement since last March and, allegedly, they found 3000 photos of kiddie porn, along with 89 videos of same, on a computer he handed over to them during the investigation. Now, as if child porn isn’t bad enough, the type investigators found on this guy’s computer makes me feel sorry for them, as well as the child victims. Once you see something, you can’t un-see it. Some of the photos and videos showed girls, as young as six month old babies, having some sort of sexual perversion performed on them by a man. If it turns out he is guilty as charged, there should be no other sentence passed down but immediate, forthright, Do Not Pass Go, bullet to the back of the head. And the court should allow one or more of the cops that were on the case and had to look at such filth be the ones who get to do it. Those images they will never be able to erase from their brain. It will haunt them until the day they die. It is my sincere hope they can find the man or men in the photos/videos, and that when they do, they are allowed to kill them once they positively identify them. This type of crime is too horrendous to adequately describe. Schwartz’s father had this ridiculous comment: “He’s already in therapy for this.” THERAPY???? REALLY??? The crime is too sick to comprehend. NO amount of therapy is going to help this guy IF he’s guilty. Kill him after he’s had a fair trial. If not for people like him, there would be no market for the filth who make the images. These are not people. They are vermin. And should be treated as such when found irrefutably guilty. There should be no room for rehabilitation and there should be no expenditure or effort to that end. Simply kill them, and then take out the trash.

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whywersingle · 6 years

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The Popcorn Theft or Why Ghosts Are The Worst

Hyello my friends. It’s me. S. Back at it again with the late posts.

I teased you all quite tantalizing-ly with a morsel of a story as to some douchey schnoz-bucket who tried to thieve my heart and my popcorn maker. Suffice it to say that he was successful with neither of those endeavours, one of which was for lack of trying, and one of which was because I got in touch with my crazy side. I shall describe both of these over the course of this post.

Let us begin by taking you back to the beginning, Vizzini. (sidenote: if you don’t get my Princess Bride reference, I’m ashamed of you). It all started with the completion of my nursing school prison release and with our favourite hookup app (that I mistakenly think is a dating app all the time and it gets me in trouble equally as often) Tinder. Why do I keep using Tinder when it’s basically an app that allows you to feel superior and inferior all at the same time? Because it’s easy, that’s why.

Me (with too much power) : I judge thee unworthy!! Left swipe!!

I judge thee acceptable! Right swipe!

I judge thee unworthy!! Accidental right swipe!! Shit shit shit shit shit!!!! REGRETS!!!

I judge thee fucking insanely good looking and am intimidated by you, therefore left swipe!

You know how it goes. I also use it because I get bored very easily and now I live alone, so it’s kind of a perfect storm of bad decisions and regret. However, at time of this story C and I were still living together, but she was happily dating a guy and wasn’t around as much to police my impending bad decisions to go on a date with a guy that I wouldn’t normally have gone on a date with. Now here is where I admit to you all something I do not voice out loud except to close friends who love me and don’t think I’m a shallow jackass. This is an official disclaimer that when I tell you the reasons why I went on a date with this guy, you will think I’m a shallow jackass. I’ve made peace with this, and so should you because you love me and I’m adorable and I’ve made you laugh over the course of this blog and I’m betting at one point in your life you also made a similar decision with a similar mindset, so.. whatever. I went on a date with this particular guy because in my estimation he was below my league. I had gained a bit of weight in nursing school, I was still a little bit mentally destroyed from the whole thing, and I needed a win. I needed a big ol’ ego boost from a chubby guy who looked like he’d be funny and also grateful that a pretty girl like me (yes I said it) would right swipe and let him be witness to the glory that is S.

So I right swiped. And he right swiped! And we matched by the powers of the Tinder gods of love.

Or something.

Anyway, we matched, we talked, I made him laugh, we talked about onesies. He took me to a football game (and took it way too seriously), held my hand when the fireworks went off, and magic was made. The following three dates were even more magical with magic increasing exponentially on all of the dates ever in the world, and surprise surprise, we ended up happily ever after and we’re now married, yay congrats!!!!

Just kidding.

No.

The real story is that while I was looking for someone to love and cherish and hold dear (read: boost my ego for a bit), this man was looking to fulfill what I can only believe to be a lifelong dream to become the spooky ethereal creature of legend: the ghost. After our fourth date, his dream began to take shape in the form of holding my popcorn maker hostage (which I accidentally left at his place after a movie night) while he slowly disappeared from this world. We had made plans to go to dinner on a Friday evening after work. I didn’t hear from the guy, despite very cute texts from me. I showered, I put on makeup, and goddamit I shaved my legs hoping that the date was still a go, but still, no peeps from this goober. Perhaps too late, I realized I was being stood up. First I felt silly, and then hungry, and then hangry, then doubtful (maybe he didn’t have his phone? maybe I got the day wrong? maybe he had to work late?), then silly again for believing that any of that shit would matter if you actually wanted to get in touch with someone, which then channeled itself into its final form of an overwhelming anger at the fact that I might never see my popcorn maker again. Clearly I went a little nuts. I won’t go into too much detail, but I did get my popcorn maker back by not letting up and essentially not giving him an option, and frankly that’s all that matters. He doesn’t matter. He’s not... matter.

Because he’s a ghost. Get it? Not matter?

Never mind.

To summarize: Popcorn is everything. Ghosts are nothing. IF you have the opportunity to be either, choose popcorn every time, Colonel Kernel.

Ok I love you byeeeeee

-S

**I should probably state that I actually did find a guy on Tinder who isn't even a little bit of a sleaze ball and he’s great and I’m totally smitten. So... not single anymore, but I can still share single horror stories with you because I’VE GOT SO MANY.

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tube-thoughts-blog · 6 years

Text

Vol. 15

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

The Haunted: Stalked By A Vampire *Bumps in the night & an invisible sucker of energy, Animal Planet? Okay, the family had a dog & 2 cats, animal enough for ya? A mom of 5, w/ a husband away at work all the time, projects her somber moods over certain recent life events, like her admitted miscarriages, onto her family. Instead of time spent really trying in the care of mental health experts, paranormal "experts" are called in. The spook investigators sound like they're making a metaphor about this "energy Vampire" continuing to follow this woman around as if they really meant to be saying her mental health problems. Sadly, they're serious only about the supernatural & not this woman or family's mental well being.* 1 star

Jerry Springer: "I'm Happy I Cut Off My Own Legs!" *A middle aged man turned trans-gender woman achieves another lifelong goal when "she," after many hilariously described failed attempts (homemade guillotine), discovers that a power saw is the right tool for the job. On a side note, Caitlyn Jenner is still a former male Olympics track star w/ both "her" legs.* 1 star

The Comfort Zone w/ Ray Comfort: Ken Ham "Aliens Go To Hell" (Live Interview) *The creator of the Creation Museum claims to be saying that he doesn't believe that NASA is complete nonsense, but he suggests that it's a waste of time & money. From the smarmy & unfunny remarks of Ken, Ray, & the other co-hosts/tools it's obvious that they're attempting, & failing, in trying to tie the secular scientific community in w/ hardcore UFO believers.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Twelve Stepping & Hypnosis *Have a disease? Then get on your knees. Close your eyes, count backwards, & you're cured.* 3 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*M... Kay...: God first, money second, cosmetics third, individuality somewhere after family & a career w/ Mary Kay.* 2 1/2 stars

*Pre-Marital Sex Who Do You Listen To: Listen to the dorky 80s rock band PETRA, some supposed experts in the emerging HIV-AIDS crisis who have an obvious religious bias, & your local Republican congressman & or minister... heck could have been dad's country club golf buddy / spiritual guru of the green. Keep your privates holy & clean.* Decent

*Sheep: "Have you ever had a mountain top experience, girls?" We know that if you listen to this Peggy Hill look-&-act-a-like w/ her own baaaa talk show, you haven't had a female orgasm, because that's not righteous of a lady, baaaaa!* either 1 or 3 stars

*Evolution Is, As Evolution Does: "A dog, a wolf, a coyote, & a banana. Which is not like the others?" I give up. I need further religious instruction to answer this question or parable. Oh, it's not a parable? It's just an attempt to disprove evolution... banana!* Folly! me banana. Daylight come & me still don't know if earth 6 thousand or 6 billion old!

*2 Minute - The Second Coming: End times & a non-believer can't even get a cheeseburger & a medium coke w/out the mark of the beast or ending up like an unfortunate soul in a story by Edgar Allan Poe.* either 1 or 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------

GoodBadFlicks.com : Dead Heat *Treat Williams looks so much like Bill Pullman. Treat Williams makes a great zombie.Treat Williams & Joe Piscopo make a great buddy cop duo. The 80s were probaby the only decade that a great zombie cop buddy action comedy could be made.* 3 stars for the review

--- Siskel & Ebert: The Worst Films of 1984 (aka The Stinkers of 84)

*Always loved the intros for Siskel & Ebert. I'm more familiar w/ the one from my childhood where they meet out in front of the theater looking grumpy while buying newspapers & paying the cabbie. This one is from close to a decade earlier & they're much more cheery fellows as they go about a quirky routine of getting their movie concession snacks.

*Sheena, Queen of the Jungle: Roger thinks that Sheena isn't even a good bad movie w/ inappropriate music for the action scenes "sounds like it belongs in a honeymoon video" & Tanya Roberts not being sexy enough. I like that Roger is thinking like Joe Bob. Yeah, doesn't look great to me. Yep, 80s & before were about the only time a blonde white chick could be seriously considered a jungle queen.* looks like folly

*Rhinestone: Siskel isn't fond of hearing Sylvester Stallone sing bad country music in a popular, at the time, urban cowboy genre disaster. I wouldn't either. Dolly Parton is his co-star & it looks like they had zero chemistry. Could have been the awful dialogue. More weird is that Stallone seemed to be trying a southern accent... ugh...* 1 star

*Bolero: Roger & Gene like Bo Derek better in Tarzan & 10. This is one of those infamous movies that true film fans always hear about & torture themselves with. No thanks. Looks awkward & one of those arthouse flicks that make sex dull.* 1/2 a crushed matador's penis

*Cannonball Run 2: Gene can't appreciate a country wide car race movie that only has a small animated car race at the end. I remember liking these Cannonball Run movies as a kid. Not sure if they still hold up. Probably couldn't stomach so much of Burt's physicalcomedy. Dom Deluise makes me slightly chuckle though.* close to 2 stars

*City Heat: Roger thinks that bad action & bad comedy equals a bad movie. Siskel thinks that the actors slept walked through the making of it. One would think that an Eastwood & Reynolds 1920s or 30s gangster buddy film would have some entertaining value, but it looks like it was played way too tongue in cheek.* 1 star

*Dune: Siskel & Ebert think Dune was squandered potential. Turning out to be dusty in its ugly presentation & confusingly boring. As poorly made as "an old serial like Captain Video." Dune is another divisive infamous movie. I'm not qualified enough to comment on it as I've never gotten around to seeing it. Only David Lynch movie that I haven't.*

*Siskel & Ebert's honorable mentions of 84:

*Friday the 13th, The Final Chapter: "Bad news it won't be the last one." Respectfully, I say, screw you, Gene. Lucky for us 80s kids, he was right.*

More than decent.

*Windy City: "Tearjerker about a guy mostly in love with himself." A forgettable romantic comedy looks like. Every generation of movie goers has hundreds of 'em.* Dull.

*The Woman in Red: "Kelly LeBrock was not on screen enough." - Siskel. Also starring Gene Wilder lusting over her. Can't blame either Gene.* could be fair.

*Where The Boys Are: "Sex & surf replaced by inflatable dolls & sun tan lotion." - Ebert. Sounds like Roger is bitter about being too old & chubby to go to the beach where they were filming 80s sex comedies. Was it a sex comedy?* another could be fair.

*Best Defense: "A stupid military espionage story." starring Dudley Moore & Eddie Murphy .Murphy was already teaming up w/ other actors to make bad comedy movies in 84? I thought Eddie was on fire until some time in the 90s when he started screwing up.* early folly

*Harry & Son: "Painfully contrived" father son movie featuring Paul Newman.* skip, 1/2 star

*Silent Night, Deadly Night: "Crude, mean spirited slasher movie" & not a Holiday classic? What did Gene expect? It's A Wonderful Life? Thank Santa for mean spirited 80s holiday themed slasher movies. Again, this time I'll have to respectfully disagree w/ a generation of movie reviewers my parents' age who just didn't get a certain genre's finer points.* more than decent

Gene promises a feature on Hollywood's hottest new comic. Coming, next week, "The Secret of Bill Murray." Ha. Awesome time period.

Siskel & Ebert are sponsored by: Diet Shasta (generic soda for generic people like Gene & Roger), Pan Am airlines for those who wanna be spread across the Pacific ocean like so much untraceable no rescue debris... Raisinets & Goobers... Glade Smoke Away fordingy smokers who stink & wear dingy colored clothes like Gene & Roger & every other adult in the early 80s...

Roger & Gene separate at the entrance to leaving the theater. Trying to pretend that they don't secretly go to a motel together after the movies.

-----------------------------------------------------

Occult Demon Cassette presents "Rock, It's Your Decision" 1982 (Christian Anti-Rock VHS) *It's your decision to surrender to your parents' & youth minister's opinion on devil music. That is unless you, being a dumb teenager wasting precious brain cells on rock & bible school lessons, can find, via religiously biased "research" materials backed up by scripture, a damn good reason to damn your soul to hell with rock music. Bwahahaha! That laugh might have sounded evil. But it came from a wholesome, square & uptight, while at the same time trying to be understanding to teens, youth minister.* folly

Uncharted Zone: I Only Set the Stage - Paul Gormley *Dad rock in dad jean shorts. She devil in red. The pit of hell & horrible green screen amateur music video fx. Also that ole aging rocker cosplay Satan himself.* close to 2 stars

--- Night Flight (1990):

*A jean ensemble wearing 80s teen breaks into the carnival to blast his rock cassette ove rthe audio system & to ride the rollercoaster all by himself. Sony "Take It For A Spin" 2 1/2 stars

*West Michigan's "Kids Film Festival" featuring "Problem Child 1"... "The Jetsons Movie"... Bill Cosby's "Ghost Dad"... "The Jungle Book".. "Back to the Future 3"...* 2 1/2 stars

*"Give 'Em A Brake!" road worker safety ad sponsored by the "Detroit Pistons" & the Michigan Department of Transportation. I don't want to sound like Bill O'Reilly, here, but looking at the short shorts on the early 90s NBA players makes me miss pre-HIP HOP fashions & attitudes NBA. Not a lot of disgusting tattoos either. They actually look like basketball players not "thugs" in baggy pajamas.* more than 2 stars

*Toon Theater - Goodnight Norma... Goodnight Milton: A miserable couple show their very grotesque secret sides when they get home from a night out with "friends" that they despise behind closed doors.* 3 stars

*Night Flight bumper featuring Bela Lugosi & Boris Karlof playing a game of chess.* 3 stars

*"They're young, they're beautiful, & we have their private phone numbers." Call 1 900... Yeah, I seriously doubt beautiful women want their private phone numbers given out to perverts.* more than 2 1/2 stars

*A bald middle aged man is positively thrilled w/ his game show experience on Grand Rapids tv's "The Jokers Wild."* 2 1/2 stars

*A kid sits on his carpet floor playing w/ his firetruck dreaming about one day becoming a fireman. On the 13 inch t.v. starts playing a cheesy jingle "America needs you... America needs me... America the beautiful, we're gonna save the free... So, I'm gonna be the best that I can be because America needs me!" The kid is magically transported onto the back of a firetruck on a fire & rescue mission. He's zapped back to his living room floor w/ a new "America Needs Me!" t-shirt. He gives a thumbs up & says "Drug Free"... Central Michigan Substance Abuse Center... Huh? What the hell did the fireman fantasy have to do with drugs? I'm so confused.* close to 3 stars or 1 star

*Extreme closeups of mouths as they give confessions to the camera "I couldn't help myself" along with pulsating drum & synth music as the off camera industrial fan blows the hotmodel's hair as she holds an ominous red telephone not connected to anything. It's not a wireless phone, it's one of the old school curved chorded phones, so that's why it looks odd to me & I've decided to comment on it & waste words doing so.* 3 stars

*A grandma sits down in the rocking chair, in her shack, to tell a bedtime story to a young child... for some reason, it appears that the tape cuts out & shoots to somethingelse.. not sure if this is part of the story... doesn't seem so... maybe I'm wrong

*"From Outerspace They Came" logo for a 50s sci fi style flick

*Now claymation monsters in a claymation city... looks great

*Guitar solo & the beginning of "Would you take me to Funky Town" cool

*50s sci fi space explorers sit back & prepare to be blasted off into space... I'm ready

*Logo for "Space Monster" where an astronaut encounters a creepy looking humanoid alien who won't stop flicking his tongue.* Weird, thumbs up

*Grandma's back to tell another story... So, I guess beginning w/ the first time we saw her that was the first Night Flight video essay.* 3 stars for that one

*Here begins another Night Flight Video Essay

*1940s looking cartoon screen card for "The Pincussion Man" as Bowie & Queen's "Under Pressure" begins to play.

*It's a happy cartoon planet of balloon animal creatures & explosions

*interspiced into that is a 50s era show or movie featuring a guy being hypnotized to walk funny & then being levetated onto a table.* goes together well.* 3 stars for that essay, unless this is gonna be one big long essay. I'm unclear, so I'm breaking it up.

*Grandma's back for her bit & to start another song w/ selected animation / skits for it

*Witchy cat woman Diana Ross leads a hunk, in a white suit, by the hand through a dreamlike black & white world.* She's into horror makeup like her protege Michael Jackson, I guess

*She's a panther woman but she "don't wanna be eaten alive" even though she's planning on sucking the meat from this guy's bones. Eat me, Diana, Mistress of the Motown Night!

*It sounds like Michael Jackson is singing backup vocals on this song. Sounds good & 80s funky.* More than 2 1/2 stars for that one.

*Grandmas back, once again, & once upon a time... But the Nightflight bumper & announcer lady means that entire series of video essays is over, I'm assuming.*

*Not even 20 minutes into this episode of Night Flight & there's already been more entertainment content value than most modern cable channels, much less their lineup of awful shows, feature all fucking day & night long.* Viva Night Flight

*Spooky as shit ad for a psychic hotline. Most psychic hotlines usually feature white & black trash idiots talking about how it helped their relationships or fortunes. This one is complete X-Files nightmare inducing photoshop of Egyptian images, ghost children, zooming cosmos, skulls, phantom robed creatures, & other ancient religious iconography.* 3 stars

*Promo for the tabloid news journal show "Inside Edition" featuring a story on a cop undercover as a teenager. He gets executed by students. Maybe his very adult mustache was a giveaway. His grieving mom is nothing to laugh at, but Inside Edition is the one doing the exploiting, I'm sure. Probably pretending it's some kind of youth crime epidemic & not some random & odd circumstance act. Ah, there's host Bill O'Reilly. Ha.* 1 star

*Ad for a dirtbike arena racing "Thrills & Chills" home video.* I'll pass. 2 stars

*special preview for "Frankenhooker" coming to vhs home video.* 3 stars

*Comedy Cuts - Mario Joyner: Jokes about how black folks don't try to get a fade by frost bite in the Winter like white folk do w/ their sun tan in the Summer.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Comedy Cuts - Norman Gunston - Roving Reporter: A neurotic Brit raves about some bloodbank conspiracy & then startles random real people on the Hollywood Walk of Fame while asking them for free blood donations. Ha.* close to 3 stars

*Inside Edition promo about Judy Garland's failed comeback tv show. No surprise that this shameless show picks easy targets like dead celebrities. Then, an even more ironic story featuring Bill Cosby talking with teens about sex... Oh, boy....* 1 star

*A morbid "This little piggy" ends in a toe tag for an abused child. In a Child Welfare League of America ad. A grim time period involving child abuse.*

2 stars

*Feature on the resurgence of 70s shock rocker Alice Cooper.* 2 1/2 stars

*Night Flight makes use of their vault of movie & cartoon clips for some horse riding, cowboy, wild indian, kung fu, arabian knight horseback tricks action in a faux ad for "Billy Jo Bob's Riding Academy" "2 Miles Past Bucky's Gunshop"* cool close to 3 stars

*Tuxedo wearing James Stacy holds up a Dirty Harry sized handgun & then says that drunk drivers do more damage. "It could cost you an arm & a leg." He then reveals to be missing both his arm & leg. Heavy, but I'm not sure which statistic is higher for U.S. deaths.* close to 2 1/2 stars. They really don't know how to do effective, startling public service announcements, like this one, anymore.

*Bela Lugosi in "The Phantom Creeps": "Mad Genius Running Wild" the papers say as Bela creates things like a giant killer robot, super villain invisibility, & bombs that can be tossed like firecrackers.* 2 1/2 stars

*Painter Paul Collins shows off his artwork from time spent on a Native American Indian reservation & he calls them an "endangered species" in an ad for the Michigan Indian Child Welfare Agency.* 2 1/2 stars

*The silhoutte of an 80s chick & the breathy words "fantasy phone" must have been enough to get phone sex horny losers to "finish" after the chick tells them "I'll start & yo ufinish." 5 dollars for the first minute. They want their 5 bucks first because they know that you'll finish in under a minute if you're desperate enough to call one of these numbers. Just a "hot" girl speaking to you at all is enough to reach climax.* 2 stars

*Rocky Horror Picture Show - Timewarp: Might have seemed lazy to toss this classic into the late night variety, but it hadn't been done to death by this point or ruined by the awful people involved with the musical show "Glee."*

2 1/2 stars

*The Fleshtones - I Was a Teenage Zombie: Would make a great B-side to "Surfin' Dead" plus the movie clips look decent as well.* close to 3 stars

*Yazoo - Don't Go: Don't remember the video for this being so horror inspired.* Decent

*Sheena Easton - Telephone: All the classic Universal monsters plus a disembodied hand are after Sheena. Can't say that I blame them after she tempted all w/ her "Sugar Walls"* 2 1/2 stars

*Comedy Cuts - Colin Quinn: He pokes fun at growing up Irish-Catholic dealing w/ cop relatives & touchy priests.* close to 3 stars

*Louis Armstrong's "Wonderful World" set to video of kung fu cinematic action.* 3 stars

*Rudy Vallee in The Musical Doctor: A singing emergency room where a "Step & fetch it" black stereotype is seeking treatment. The doc prescribes him the smooth sounds of inter-spliced clips of Sting from The Police (huh? ha!). He's black, so he'll also need a dose of interspliced Chaka Khan's "I Feel For You."* either 1 or 3 stars

*Old old Hollywood clips of beautiful ladies doing some synchronized swimming dances while the Night Flight voice over lady pokes fun at Dr. Vallee's techniques.* 3 stars

*Dr. Vallee has another crazy patient. This one has hammer toe "Stop Hammertime" w/ the MC himself spliced in. No kidding.* 2 1/2 stars

*Another patient is suffering from lack of music, so he gets some Dionne Warwick "That's What Friends Are For" followed by Biz Markie's "Just a Friend" R & B from "Babyface"... blues from some of the masters... more MC Hammer "Can't Touch This"... my my my my.... "Bel Biv Devoe" for dessert...* 2 1/2 stars early Obamacare

*Cultural tv game show featuring everything from President Ike to President Reagan from James Dean to Disco. Hot pants to the VCR. "Tic Tac Dough."* close to 3 stars

*Not ready for tv women in an ad for the Displaced Homemaker Program. This is exactly why women need not to be homemakers or second class citizens. I'm no liberal or femi-nazi controlled thinker, but seeing these poor women's lives ruined after divorce or becoming a widow is just sad & a product of our failure as a society.* 2 stars

*Pretentious Bono in a cowboy hat during one of U2's concert tours from the 80s. One where they're filming it in black & white. He's trying to get art street cred by having blues legend B.B. King join U2 on stage.* 2 stars

*B.B. King - I Need Some Help: performed on what looks like Austin City Limits. This time w/out Bono to ruin the performance.* 2 1/2 stars

*B.B. King - Lucille: Steve Martin, Dan Akroyd, the lovely Michelle Pfeiffer, & Eddie Murphy join B.B. for a quirky video.* close to 3 stars

*Robert Cray - Right Next Door: Rather subdued, sitting alone in an artsy room w/ flowing curtain window w/ bare minimum light shining through it, guitar solo video.* 2 1/2 stars

*Robert Cray - Nothing But a Woman: This video has Cray singing & 80s cartoon graphic sinterspliced w/ Cray & the band video fx. 80s MTV & Monty Python esque* 2 1/2 stars

*Albert Collins - The Trouble W/ Money: This looks like a 70s era performance on something like The Midnight Special. Collins is a haggard looking old school black dude who plays his guitar like he's making love to a woman.*

close to 3 stars

*Renee Taylor's "2" (1967 short comedy film): Parody of pretentious Eye-Talian cinema & modern people's pretentious self loathing in love affairs.*

close to 3 stars

*"Big Cheese & the Food Groupies" California Raisins style animated wholesome snack PSA w/ the characters singing in the fridge for some happy kids.* 2 1/2 weird stars

*Night Flight's Sci Fi Monsters video essay:

*Oingo Boingo - Weird Science: Interspliced w/ old clips of early 20th century films like "A Voyage to the Moon" or whatever it's called.* more than decent

*"We Have the Technology" interspliced w/ the electrocution scene from the 50s classic "Thing from Another World."* close to terrific

*The theme from Doctor Who interspliced w/ Doctor Who style robots & a stadium rock anthem by TimeLords.* 3 stars

*Kate Bush is a spooky banshee in "Experiment 4".* 3 stars

*"Ladies & gentleman, Elvis 1990" a Billy Idol look-a-like spliced w/ scenes of cyberpunk dystopias & Godzilla.* close to 3 stars

*Now a true Elvis look-a-like in outerspace singing "Video Babe" while flying saucers destroy Washington monuments.* 3 stars

*Herbie Hancock's 80s synthesizer classic spliced w/ scenes of early 20th century movie magic explorers encountering dangerous tribe people of the moon.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fishbone? in a weird sci video that ends in a nuclear explosion.*

could be terrific

*Night Flight's Never Coming Attractions:

*GI's go rocket riding in "Invasion of the Star Creatures": Super tall & sexy vixens from the stars encounter some dopey & short in stature army privates who they seduce & unleash kooky monsters upon.*

3 stars, I'd watch it, looks cheesy good.

*"Space Monster": 50s sci fi space adventure where the spaceships & planets are held up by string & the stars are holes pocked in a black canvas w/ light shining through. The alien monster is a humanoid w/ a large head, big ears, & a flickering tongue.* 2 1/2 stars

*Della's Diner, a West Michigan theater presentation of a kitschy diner complete w/ big haired waitresses & eccentric patrons. All presented by the local Grand Rapids tv station.* 2 1/2 stars

*Another "America Needs Me Drug Free" PSA featuring this time a black kid who wants to grow up to be like his black hero fighter pilot. He only got a t-shirt, no ride on the jet like the boy on the firetruck. I guess the Air Force said no. Darn. Do drugs!* 2 stars

*Night Flight's toon theater:

*Mouseferatu: Very well animated & sort of risque. When Mousey finds his intended victim, she's a very sexy pussycat sleeping in the nude. & despite all his rage, he's still just a rat in a cage when daylight comes to turn him to bones.* 3 stars

*Retro black & white clip of some ranch cows & a bull singing a country & western diddy.* 3 stars

*Promo for "Ghoulies 2" on Grand Rapids TV 8.* 3 stars

Following Night Flight on TV 8 is the syndicated cult classic "Dynaman" mock dubbed in English & parodying the already super-weird Japanese Power Rangers pre-cursor.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Dog Police" *A nerd rock 80s weirdo band's lead singer takes his werewolf date to the night club where the trench coat "Untouchables" look-a-like "Dog Police" bust her for bestiality?* 3 stars

James Randi Debates Two Mediums & Psychiatrist Brian Weiss *Gay mustache & spirit aficionado James Van Praagh along w/ 20 questions for 20,000 gullible people champion John Edward bring a hack psychiatrist & author of a book about past lives to a debate w/ admitted cynic Randi. Which leads to Randi face palming & taking the whole thing about as serious as one would imagine. CNBC's half zombie half talk show host Charles Grodin seems to be hopeful about the psychic claims.* 1 star

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Feng Shui & Bottled Water *A refreshing arrangement sold at a bullshit price.* 3 stars

--- DinosaurDracula.com presents Creepy Commercials Countdown:

*ABC TGIF Monster Bash Weekend (1993): The Olsen twins host the Halloween edition of TGIF. When you're 11, you're definitely uncool enough to watch ABC on a Friday night. I still am uncool enough. Family Matters was the Breaking Bad of its era. Boy Meets World never appealed to me. Step By Step was okay. I remember most about it having the guy from the Kickboxer sequel. Hangin' With Mr. Cooper is lame when you think back on it, but it worked for the time. A "cool" middle school or junior high teacher who was down w/ the kids & played basketball. However, nothing about this particular promo is spooky or creepy enough. The 80s would have tried harder w/ the scary theme than the 90s seemed to.* 2 stars

*Real Ghostbusters Super Weapons (1990): Some kids take their awesome Nerf officially licensed Real Ghostbusters toy weapons of minor destruction & chase the poor dog around their spooky dark house. That's what I call fun animal abuse. *wink* 3 stars

*Predator 2 (1990) Movie Promo: I love the narrator's voice describing all of Predator's high tech weapons. Similar sounding voices noted all the high tech features of new cars at the time. It slipped my mind that Bill Paxton is in this movie. Of course everyone who has seen it will remember Danny Glover's manic, awesome performance, or Gary Busey being in it before he went completely off the deep end of eccentricity. But Bill Paxton was in both the Alien & the Predator sequels. That's cool.* 3 stars

*Coca-Cola Classic 'Dracula' (1992): A Bela Lugosi impersonator, in a striking visually black & white castle setting, scares a blonde victim from her sleep. Instead of putting up a cross, in defense, it's a juicy red Coca-Cola can. I guess Dracula's blood sugar was low, because he goes from pale to plump tan in seconds. He bites into the can sideways & slurps the syrupy soda. What coke addict hasn't imagined something similar? The ad end sbadly, however, as it approaches Twilight sparkly "vampire" territory when the spooky couple walk out the door into an animated Disney daytime cartoon scene complete w/ chirping love birds.* either 1 or 3 stars

*Highland Superstores 'Phantom of the Opera' (1989): The organ music from "The Phantom" is still unsettling after around a 100 years of it being in our nightmares. Dinosaur Dracula mentioned this, in his article, & it's true, "appliance stores are dreadfully dull." In the 80s, during the era of dull parents & dingy colors on everything including off white & putrid yellow fridges, microwaves, washers & dryers, & dishwashers. Some were even the same green color of The Creature from the Black Lagoon's bowel movements. If I were "The Phantom" I wouldn't dwell at Highland Superstores. If I were a disgruntled former manager of an appliance store, I wouldn't. Hell would seem happier.* 2 1/2 stars

----------------------------------------

Beavis & Butthead: Plasmatics - The Damned *"Explosions... half naked chicks. This video has something for everyone."*

3 plus stars w/ riffing 3 stars w/out

--- TV Carnage:

*Straight Body Builder Bio #1: "When in Rome do as the Romans do." The Romans did gay stuff in Rome. In Southern California, this feminine Rick James, on roids, can make delicious ancient Chinese herbal tea, draw comics of other buff fantasy masculine heroic figures, strum his string instrument, & play w/ his pooch on the beach.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Tell Me About It: The reporting from the red carpet premier of Legally Blonde is as dumb & inspid as imagined.* zero stars

*The Hump Day Return of Aids!: "Real men don't talk to their women about sex." Laughs. Huh. Huh. Starts humping potentially aids infected partner.*

2 1/2 stars

*Tom Arnold Stars In Long Lost Porn: Didn't know Tom was so patient & considerate to the half naked chicks he lets ride on the back of his Harley Davidson.* 2 1/2 stars

--------------------------------

"The Last Dragon" (1985) *A midnight movie happening inside another midnight movie featuring kids from Soul Train. Also feels like Motown is making fun of MTV's Cindy Lauper & Madonna.* 3 stars

"Shotgun" (1989) *A buddy cop Lethal Weapon wannabe that's almost as awkward as Samurai Cop. There's a plot about a sicko torturing & killing hookers that's similar to Wings Hauser's "Vice Squad. "Then a finale that's a revenge gunfight south of the border that recalls 70s grindhouse classic "Rolling Thunder" but is more over the top like a Rambo sequel.* between 2 & 2 1/2

Cannon Films "Hospital Massacre" (1981) *Creepy fact: if you ever walk into a room & see someone crawling out a window, looking back w/ a devious smile on their face, know something horrible has happened in the room. Our scream queen, the gorgeous Barbi Benton, doesn't even realize she's being stalked by a slasher for over an hour of the movie. She thinks she's just being inconvenience by hospital procedure red tape & a screwed up test result. However, the kills are bloody good, the atmosphere is spooky, & there's even some black comedy.*

more than 2 1/2 stars or plus

"Video Wasteland Combilation" *Twinkle Twat, feminine deoderant spray. Baby upchuck doll. Punk singer w/ dry heaves. Way USA starring Tesco Vee. Aeon Flux. Tim Allen as Docu-Comic. Dawn of the Night of the Dead - The Musical. John Waters & Divine. West Germany Air Show Disaster. Vincent Price on the 64,000 Dollar Question. LSD-25. This Is Elvis's Birthday '92.* 2 1/2 stars

SCTV Monster Chiller Horror Theatre w/ Count Floyd: The House of Cats *Bored housecats "jumping" at the screen in 3D. Well, at least Count Floyd promises so. John Candy drugs women & turns them into his personal pussycats until they rebel or at least he has to act like they're clawing him, when they couldn't be bothered to even paw.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Brass Eye: Sex *Bad aids vs. good aids, the mucking about homosexual scandal of her majesty's royal navy ,the debasement of an American politician, an asexual man up a pole watching pornography, beating off assailants, Peter Stringfellow, & a giant whore on the loose.* 3 stars

=== Geraldo Rivera: Hate Mongers (1988)

*Skinhead smackdown smashes Geraldo in the schnoz.* 1 infamous star (not of David)

[Note: Geraldo has always loved pouring fuel onto a fire. Not for justly reasons, either. Here it would appear so, to the people of the time period, but fast forward to today & Geraldo is standing among "Black Lives Matter" protestors & telling them that racism no longer exists in America.

Geraldo: race baiter, troublemaker, & obvious fraudulent media manipulator of any era he's in.]

(edit, years later:

I still think Geraldo is a douche, but I've woken up how much of an idiot I was for kind of casually being apathetic to & half way supporting groups like "Black Lives Matter."

I think most everyone has if they don't have "tribal" interests or are a "race blind" moron who'll be dragged into the streets while trying to high five a "friend" of color during a riot or "peaceful" protest someday & be treated to a beating similar to the one Reginald Denny received on CNN in LA in 92 after the Rodney King verdict?)

================================================================================

Mysteries From Beyond the Other Dominion w/ Franklin Ruehl *Eerie coincidences between the Kennedy & Lincoln assassinations. I like the true nerdiness of this early Sci-Fi Channel show. If it were a part of a nerd culture channel or website, today, it would have faux nerd hipsters ironically doing it & not the earnest weirdness of Ruehl & company.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Special Delivery: "The bitch, the bitch, the bitch," the female dog is having puppies.* 2 1/2 stars

*Something Big: "The first nude pop video" might "offend" as it warns, but the mostly tasteful nude images of big breasted women aren't as obscene as the Euro-sleaze leadsinger's crooning & 70s porno mustache.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Appointment... With Death: You'll never see Hawaii, if you keep smartin' off to the monotone voiced angel of death premonitions.* either 1 or 3 stars

*I'm A Spoon: Women of all body types used to search for that perfect fit, but eventually gave up to the potato sack look of sweatpants w/ sassy slogans on the ass.* 2 stars

*I Gotta Go!: When you get that feeling way down below. A sanitized version of the uh oh diarrhea song from Steve Martin's Parent Trap. There's no Barney the Dinosaur to help the toddlers & kids sing along & poop, but there's a chimp taking a shit (for giggles).* 3turds

----------------------------------

Grandpa Munster's SuperScarySaturday on TBS Superstation: King Kong vs. Godzilla the Debate *Since neither monster can talk, pro wrestling personalities, of the 80s, are doing the cheerleading. Motormouth evangelist look-a-like, w/ a tennis racket, Jim Cornette, preaches for Godzilla, says that his monster is younger than the "dying of old age" King Kong, and he can breathe fire. Lynyrd Skynyrd roadie wannabe Michael P.S. Hayes, standing up for his hairy hero, boasts that Kong can swat planes while still holding onto a babe. I call it a tie. So, would any other fan of both monsters.* 3 stars

--- Occult Demon Cassette Presents: "Exposing the Satanic Web" 1990 (Satanic Panic VHS)

*Yesterday Satanism, today radical Islam, tomorrow extraterrestrial orgasms?

Who knows what the future holds, but the religious right will most likely be there to spread their brand of disinformation.

People really couldn't tell that the crayon drawings of occult rituals were done by adults w/ agendas?

Motley Crue images pop up constantly in these old scare films.

Motley Crue obviously weren't a threat to America's teenagers. They're now bloated white trash rock has-beens trying to get their near elderly groupies to still flash their saggy tits!

Those women didn't end up sacrifices of the devil. They probably had about five dirty young'uns that never got sacrificed either, 'cause Satanic Panic was just that panic that meant nothing.

Nerdy teens who played Dungeons & Dragons didn't role play murder half the parent population in the U.S. No, they're still harmless adult nerds.

The reformed high-priest of Satanism turned Christian now confessing his former dark powers & deeds.

Is it okay that he claims to have committed horrible acts because he's asked for forgiveness from God?

Shouldn't he be in jail? That's proof that he's full of shit. That all of the scare-mongers of these videos are full of shit, & have taken a simple fantasy game, a rebellious youth music that they don't enjoy or understand, & victimless boredom in juvenile property crime through graffiti & tried to turn it into a scare tactic tool to push people fearfully into the arms of the major cult in America, the Christian religions.

Satan obviously wasn't as savvy as these evangelicals who still have the ear of their cult, after all these years, while Motley Crue & Freddy Krueger are no longer being fed virgins at the altar of willing black magic fiends & disturbed teenagers.*

(edit, years later:

Man listen to me. Full on liberal apathy & cynicism disguised as trying to be clever.

I still slightly chuckle at the hysteria of the 80s Satanic Panic.

but to believe Islam isn't an obvious threat to the west is to be in denial or downright actually evil... no hysteria. but truth.

the type of person I was then would rather ignore the truth, & claim it was islamophobia delusion while looking at hipster blogs like dangerousmindsdotnet for the latestdug up piece of pop culture from a bygone era to be mocked

then getting my "news" from the Daily Show w/ it's highly cut & edited slant leaning the views towards an agenda while claiming bias everywhere else & only everwhere else...

I can't say I ever saw any metal heads hold a Satanic animal sacrifice orgy, but I have seen real life footage of hordes of muslims flooding Europe & the after effects in the news

hard evidence of rapes, terrorist bombings / shootings / stabbings / hackings / huge vehicle homicide of dozens / beheadings / literal fucking jihad...

not scaremongering, you blind hipster dope (me, several years ago) but all out war on the civilization that once provided your shits & giggles & safety shelter to enjoy them in w/out getting gutted for being an infidel)

1 star

=======================================================

People Are Talking w/ Tom Bergeron: James Randi Debunks Faith Healer (youtube) *Tom Bergeron sits looking at clips of extremely funny faith healings. One in particular where a fake had played the role of both a crippled man & a woman w/ bad ovaries. This could be America's Funniest Home videos, but sadly Randi points out that the placebo effect of these dramatically staged acts do harm when the believers don't seek real medical help from actual doctors instead of faith healers.* 3 stars

City Confidential: Rock Springs, Deadly Shootout in the Wild West *"Cowboy Caligula."* more than 2 1/2 stars

Viper: Past Tense *Amnesia love affairs, brainwashed agents of assassination, & chance collisions of the heavens. Plays like something noir that would be in Frank Miller's Sin City.* close to 3

Forever Knight: Cherry Blossoms *Vampire detective versus Chinese mafia seeking to slay a wounded witness. Wrongly accused vampire versus elderly Chinese acupuncturist seeking revenge against the vampire who slayed his mother 60 years before.*

between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

The Greatest American Hero: The Best Desk Scenario *Fumbling the ball near the endzone or too many cooks trying to read the anarchist's cookbook.* 2 1/2 stars

Look Around You: Computers *In Bournesmouth, one can bibble or bobble if they're beardless or bearded, but not if they're brandishing a petticoat (female).* close to 3 stars

The Prisoner: Hammer Into Anvil *Creates an unhinged melody.* 3 stars

Farscape: Bone To Be Wild *The old routine of one "submarine" silently hiding from another's radar. Deepspace Donner Party bone eater massacre. Johnny Appleseed "Frankenstein's Monster" look-a-like or Swamp Thing stranded on an asteroid. Our hero Crichton needs to be sensitive to "plant phobia." The spiritual blue alien lady Zan (Xan?) is actually a sentient plant. Captain Ahab under scrutiny. Babysitting a weaponized junior Leviathan (a Death Star in a diaper).* 3 stars

---- Night Visions w/ Henry Rollins:

The Passenger List: A little twilight zone twist & a lot of 9-11 era zeitgeist of airline tragedy grief.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

The Bokor: Bayou medical school morphine junkies, grotesque medical cadaver, & a voodoo curse.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Rollins: Puts on a stale attempt at Rod Serling.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

------------------------------------

Uncharted Zone: Fifty Dollar Boots - Johnny Fire *50 dollar budget quality black & white video for a rockabilly crooner & his 50 dollar boot wearing chick guitar player.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Jennifer Tryin - Happier *Gen X drug store despair, Beavis taking diarrhea medicine & pooping a brick that he keeps in his sock drawer, & Butthead wanting to live in denial that he ever heard Beavis talk about it.* 3 stars w/ riffing close to 2 1/2 stars w/out

Justified: Season 1 Episode 6 *"There's more than smart" & there's more than art. Especially Adolf Hitler's shitty art. It's a nebulous or abstract concept.* close to 3 stars

True Detective: Haunted Houses *Still life. Nearer to silence (unholy ghosts) than God.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Trou Normand *Losing time opening doors, unearthing graves, & making monuments to the desecrated.* 3 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Talking to the Dead & ESP *Party tricks & charades for suckers & the sad.* 3 stars

James Randi's Fiery Takedown of a Psychic Fraud *An admitted wizard takes a lethal overdose of homeopathic medicine to prove a cruel farce.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not! w/ Jack Palance: Episode 3 (1985) *Giant 1980s supercomputers are used to photoshop the Tibetan god-king out of Shangri La, like an impractical automotive 5th wheel or discarded apple peel (peeled by an Edison style mass industrial invention), & placed, by 2001 Hal's robo-cousin, out into the sun to purify like a baby orangutan or an eskimo mummy. Also pre-CitySlickers Curly's gold* 2 Fair

Fargo: Buridan's Ass *Breach in a white out or bludgeoned like fish out of water.* 3 stars

"XTRO" (1983) *A deeply disturbed British schoolboy's estranged daddy returns from his absentee fatherhood vacation on H.R. Geiger's homeworld after traumatizing the boy w/ his "Fire in the Sky" style abrupt bon voyage goodbye. Often tonally too whimsical to be taken seriously, while at other times being astonishingly creepy.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars or more

Tales from the Crypt: The Reluctant Vampire *Mr. Longtooth (Malcom McDowell) isn't a glamourous Dracula. He's a cowardly nightwatchman at a failing blood bank. Can he win the heart of his mousey love interest, at the blood bank, w/out biting her neck? Will he find the courage to stand up to his bully of a boss (Cheers' George Wendt) or will he fall prey to a weird looking Van Helsing?* Decent

"Saturday Night Dead" KYW-TV 3 Philadelphia (February 1, 1986) *"The maddening minx of movie-dom" Stella, a redheaded Rhonda Shear look-a-like glamour doll, traipses around her ghoulish horror set kiddingly admitting to bedding, on her monster talking bed, the Philadelphia Eagles football team. She is in dire need of a butler & wants him to be as hunky as Sylvester Stallone's Rambo. Looks like Philly had a pretty decent version of Elvira or Rhonda. Not bad.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Monstervision w/ Joe Bob Briggs: Waxwork

*Drive-In Totals: 43 dead bodies.... 0 nekkid breasts (sorry).. 1 Live severed hand.. .African Voodoo Face Painting.. French S & M.. Fang Sprouting.. Bat Shooting.. Raw Meat Gobbling.. Sword Fighting.. Strangling.. Stabbing.. Head Butting.. Ax to the Back... Death by Fire.. Gratuitous Dialogue w/ Loud Music.. Werewolf Fu.. Vampire Fu.. Mummy Fu.. Zombie Fu.. Senior Citizen Fu..

*Joe Bob says this isn't a haunted house movie, it's a "nasty" house movie, like his grandma would always say, "That's nasty!"

*Burt Reynolds for Liz Taylor perfume (Ladies, don't wear anything that gives Burt a smell boner).

*Songs 4 Life Christian mix CD (90s, the era that bland white people safe religious music w/out any gospel soul or passion reared its dorky head).

*CNN has Bill Clinton's sworn testimony in the shadow of impeachment (ah, the Lewinsky era, we survived that.).

*Rent Matthew MuhConUhHey! & Skeet Ulrich, tonight! (not male escorts. a shitty VhS tape of the movie "Newton Boys").

*Pure Reggae mix cd 1-800 ad (A island jam collection featuring the theme to Cops "Bad Boys" plus Apache Indian's "Boom Shakalak"... pass the herb & turn it up, mon!).

*Joe Bob's Jailbreak w/ Reno the Mail Girl: Talk of Joe Bob's jealousy because Reno might have dated / made love to a midget instead of Joe Bob & also Reno gets a love poem from a jailbird in a Mojave prison unit in Arizona.*

*Carpenters Love Songs mix cd ad. Being a kid in the 80s & 90s, & not an adult in the 70s, I only had vague knowledge of who Karen Carpenter was & that she had died tragically young. Anytime, I would see these ads w/ their hazy cloud aesthetics along w/ faded quality videos of Karen singing her mostly melancholy songs, I would get the creeps.*

*Waxwork: Remember 2011's "Cabin in the Woods"?... Well, Joss Whedon's "genius" turning of a monster/slasher movie conventions on its head script wasn't that original. In the 80s, somebody else did it first. This monster mayhem flick, featuring almost every creature & horror character known, is set in a wax museum instead of a cabin in the woods. Starring the teenage boys from Gremlins & Twin Peaks plus Return of the Living Dead 2 along with their 80s valley girl girlfriends. The main villain is legendary not so good movie & tv show actor David Warner (the movies/shows not being so good. Warner is always great).*

between 2 & 2 1/2 stars for Waxwork, more than 2 1/2 for Joe Bob, & close to 2 for the ads

----------------------------------------------------

TNT 100% Weird: The Twonky *"Whenever I think of women, I think of French fried potatoes." A very nervous man's wife leaves town, gifting him his first television set to keep him company. This is when tv's were brand new & confusing to man. It didn't help that this particular tv was unlike any other in that it could work the magic of a genie or a futuristic robot.* close to 3 stars

Wizards & Warriors: The Dungeon of Death *"Badgers, we don't need no stinkin' badgers." What we got is a ragtag rescue squad of a Renaissance fair Clint Eastwood type, a carnival strong man, a high wire walking hottie, & one of the munchkins from the Wizard of Oz. Trouble is there's a mole.* close to 3 stars

--- Sci Fi Channel (1993) Feature Film: The Clone Master

*A pair of alien hands find a time capsule buried in the sand. The date says 1993. Inside is a bottle of head & shoulders. Our great legacy, dandruff shampoo...

*95 cents a minute hotline to find out what's coming up on the Sci Fi channel's schedule? Wow, wouldn't a 99 cent, one time purchase, TV Guide not suffice? That's phone sex level of horny to know when the next episode of the original Star Trek is airing.

*Sci Fi had great station bumpers. I'll try to describe this one... it has a picturesque set lakehouse w/ the phone off the receiver "hello, are you there?" & geese flying against a newly alien earth skyline featuring a ring planet between earth & the moon.

*Extremely nerdy voice over "Emmy Award winning Battlestar Galactica, weeknights."

*Beatles Live 1964 in London for the first time on VHS or BETA

*Curly haired cute model "All those holes. All that protection." Science strikes again. Always Maxi Pads w/ new technology. New as in holes. I have a hole in my soul from all the sanitary napkin girly confessional commercials that I've had to endure all my life.

*A generic couple enjoy a generic romantic evening over generic pasta & generic white wine while listening to "Easy 70's" a generic mix cd of 70s soft rock like Crystal Gale & Kenny Loggins among others. He leaves w/out sex. Because this type of music makes one sterile.

*Vintage ad for Craftmatic adjustable beds. The old couple is giddy to talk to their over the phone Craftmatic salesperson. I'm giddy too for my memories of these ads. though the actual beds were usually in the homes of some sick acquaintance of my parents&grandparents

*"Never miss another favorite program." VCR Voice, the voice operated vcr remote control. Pssss... VCR Voice... record Skinemax & those early morning workout shows w/ the ladies in spandex....

*Smokey the Bear is talked about by a kid who makes him seem almost mythical. Maybe in 3,000 years, when our culture is long forgotten & misunderstood, they'll find something about Smokey the Bear & wonder what the fuck was up w/ us having a cartoon bear to warn humans about forest fire safety & natural resource preservation responsibility.

*"Can dinosaur cloning really happen? The truth behind the fiction." A Sci Fi special on Jurassic Park. It can & did, but tune in to Alex Jones InFoWars or Jesse Ventura's new show on Glen Beck's Blaze channel to find out.

*"Dark Shadows" weekdays on Sci Fi. Now, that's a weekday soap opera that I would sink my teeth in to. Someone get me my Bon Bons & my Moo Moo...

*1 800 ad for Sci Fi Classic home video's "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy."

*Back on earth, Frankie Valli & the 4 Seasons on every music listening format known to man. That's as advanced as we are....

*Speaking of identical twins & cloning... Elvis, in his 68 Comeback Special, decked out in his black leather spacesuit... Get a collector's copy. Copy... wink wink. Elvis, often imitated, never duplicated except in utero or however it go...

*Classic kitchen knife displays of incredible feats by the World Class Ginsu knife. Showoff All the other dull culinary utensils got Ginsu off & murdered him & buried his stainless steel body under the goal post in Food Network's Iron Chef Kitchen Stadium.

*Walter Koenig for a huge collection of Star Trek (Original & Next Generation) themes,sound fx, & a 6 minute bridge sequence. Sound fx, okay... maybe... a 6 minute bridge sequence... alright, I can sort of see that... still, it's nerdom bordering insanity.

*K-Tel Conway Twitty videos. Not the right station. Not as much as Sci Fi isn't a rhinestone sequened audience as it's not an audience where they can relate to a hillbilly heart-throb's songs about sleeping w/ a horde of women. Live long & amorously prosperous.

*"The majesty & might of Marvel leaps off of the page & onto the screen" shows clips of 70s Hulk tv show & one of the 70s Spider Man tv movies. Modern Marvel fanboys would scoff at the words majesty & might being used for these classics. "They don't even have after credits sequences or universe building." They do have Stan Lee hosting the Mighty Marvel Marathon on Sci Fi 1993. Sixteen years before Iron Man....

*Clone Master: It's a good clone movie when the existential grief of being a clone does not fully get in the way of the clone capers, clone antics, & clone based comedy. Also, Cold War era conpirators could get away w/ a lot thanks to government secrecy not allowing anyone to share information to know what the hell was going on in different sections of all their hush hush top secret work like cloning.*

3 stars for Sci Fi's bumpers, close to 3 for the ads, & 2 1/2 stars for Clone Master

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Mystery Science Theater 3000: The She Creature *Kooky age regression hypnotism to spook squares & Eve-era mer-monster to slaughter them.* 3 stars w/ riffing 2 1/2 stars w/out

Nathan On Your Side: Talking to the Animals *non-confrontational dialogue w/ bed wetting cat.* more than 2 stars

The Cinema Snob: Woodchipper Massacre *No Fargo woodchipper action. No massacre. More terrible like Poland invaded by Hitler, only w/out any of that massacre. Just the terrible.* 2 1/2 for Snob

Conan O'Brien - In the Year 2000: Taco Bell 2000 *A "chilling" glimpse into the prophecy of Charmin toilet paper's involvement w/ the bowel dooming food chain.* 3 stars

A & E presents An Evening at the Improv: Norm MacDonald (1991) *Homeless dog owners & backseat blues.* close to 3 stars

HBO Not Necessarily the News: The Spork Episode (1983) *Mr. T. imporium. Panda pest control. Des Moines pudding disaster. Light beer for fat drunks. Rich Hall's weekly sniglet words: scrit is anything that has sat in the same spot for 50 years... yinkel is anybody that combs their hair over their bald spot thinking that nobody will notice... spork the combination spoon fork device (did he invent that term? wow, cool, if so)... furbling is the act of walking through a maze of ropes at the airport or bank even though you're the only one in line (haaa)... porkus non grata is the squashed piece of bacon at the bottom of the package.. lactomangulation is having to open a milkcarton from the opposite side because of one side's malfunction.. carperpetuation is the act of running over a piece of string w/ a vacuum 4 or 5 times before picking it up & inspecting it & then putting it back down for one last attempt.*

decent though dated

"Best of the Worst Star Search Auditions" (youtube) *"Let me do my thang to ya!" You'd never see a bearded lady singing Patsy Cline on America's Got Talent.* 3 stars

Insomniac w/ Dave Attell: San Francisco *If you come to this frontier town, eventually you're gonna ask yourself "am I a fog rider, a pickle pilot, or a proud baby mudfoot?"* 3 stars

--- Memory Hole:

*Cranial Deformity Dance Dad: I'm tired of spaghetti. But you always like sketti.* 3 stars

*Clinton Torture: Bill's bubbles is just tryna give you kisses.* 2 1/2 stars

*I'm On The T.V.: Been waitin' for you to turn me on.* more than 2 1/2 stars

*Rap 4 Ca$h: A school teacher, of 25 years, will do anything for a raise.* 1 star

*Island Of Original Ideas Mirror Effect: an idiot's idea of an interesting illusion.* folly

======================================================

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: Creationism & The Bible, Fact or Fiction *Pissing on one's own feet while the ground crumbles beneath forming a crater of disbelief. Leaving one in critical need & clinging to the causal or a creed.* Folly?

James Randi Debunks An Astrologer *"Everybody believes that they have a sense of humor." - Stephen Fry who doesn't believe that the astrologer accurately judged his friend Hugh Laurie.* close to decent

Forbidden Transmission: World Bizarre *freewheeling babel.* more than 2 1/2 stars

Weird TV: Burning Man - Early Years *Survival issues, sexuality, porta potty use, & potato gun fun.*

between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

"Dawn of the Mummy" *Classic Universal horror theme grave robbed by Euro-sleaze exploitation schlock vandals.* 2 1/2 stars

PBS presents American Experience: The Lobotomist *"Ambition makes you look pretty ugly." -Paranoid Android- A look at the doctor who tried to turn a grotesque medical procedure into a McDonald's style franchise value menu item forthe severe to the even the slightly mentally ill.* either zero or 3 stars

Alien Sex Fiend - "Now, I'm Feeling Zombiefied" *Face is caked white, you see a dead rat & you take a bite...* 2 1/2 stars

"You Spin Me Round" (Literal video version) *Freaky pirate all tied up (in himself).* close to 3 for the literal 3 for the actual

Uncharted Zone: "Hurry, There's A Hurricane" - Ken Manning *Hold on to your hats & to each other.* close to 3 stars

--- Reel Wild Cinema w/ Sandra Bernhard: Lunatics on the Loose:

*Sandra wants to go to third base w/ Antonio Banderas, her Aztec fantasy...

*Curse of the Aztec Mummy: Beehive hairdo damsels in distress, rubber bat attack, crotch crawling spider, & hideous ghoul doing the rigor-mortis-arms trance step dance*

*Sandra promises a movie with bad dubbing, coming up, "So don't go away." For the bad dubbing, I'll definitely stay.

*America's Most Wanted & Top Cops on USA network. A one two punch of justice & dullness.

*A soccer ball toting toddler wakes his middle aged dad up & his dad needs a small pouch sized doze of Folgers coffee. I bet this man can't even take a morning shit in peace.

*A disembodied red lipsticked mouth for Rembrandt whitening toothpaste. "2 shades whiter" promised. All the varying shades of teeth color from white to off white to yellow to grey to diseased orangish brown to black... Amusing memory of Mitch Hedberg's tartar sauce joke

*The Psychic Solution w/ a very self aware ad where they parody "bad psychic" hotline call centers complete w/ dart board for predictions & vanity mirror distractions during calls.

*Sandra now promises stock Civil War footage w/ clips from a nudist colony. Robert E. Lee is rolling over in his grave in his slave mistress's underwear that he demanded to be buried in.

*The Monster of Camp Sunshine: Thank that "scientist in the sky" for water pollution & sexual deviancy.*

*Quirky-reggae-whitebread-feelin' Long John Silver fast food joint on the beach commercial where there are tropical birds inside the establishment (sure the health inspector likes that notion) & couples relax in the waves drinking supersized sodas in foam cups (I bet those don't get put in the proper trash bin & instead float about the waves onto the beach)

*Crocodile Dundee vs. Ogre of Revenge of the Nerds & Bloodsport in a station wagon chase....

*Kenny Kingston "legendary psychic" & sleazy old school Hollywood showman look-a-like w/ love advice for lonely yuppies who go through everyday being horny & instead of acting on it & taking chances they wait for over the phone voodoo advice...

*Dweezil Zappa is Sandra's guest: Not sure if it's his rainbow colored girly liquor drink talking but Dweezil let it slip that he might believe that Aztec civlization dates back at least a million years....

*Sandra wants t.v. trying to scare people instead of always endearing itself to them.

*Bloody Pit of Horror: More tortured by the swingers he performs medieval cruelty upon, the Crimson Executioner gets caught up in his own scarlet devices.*

*A crystal ball gazing clairvoyant, w/ pink hair, predicts that Snoop Doggy Dog, Bush, & Dennis Miller will be at the 1996 MTV Video Awards. Pumpkins will also be smashed.

*USA capitalizes on the Unabomber headlines w/ their own original movie version...

*Sandra would have no sympathy for a girlfriend caught in a devious bondage trap...

*Oath of Green Blood: Audience participation required in taking a vial of verdant liquid that might make one vile or vivacious.

*Star Trek's original resident black boundaries breaker is sadly selling her soul as a spokesperson for a psychic hotline. This one even makes the claim that's often been used as a joke against psychics "Lottery winner predicted." Yep, "it happened."

*Coming attractions: Scream of the Demon Lover... Giant from the Unknown (awakened after hundreds of years & wearing conquistador armor. so, it's the Spanish to blame)... The Crawling Thing from Planet 13 promises to attack audience members (nice gimmick ploy)...

3 for Sandra, 3 for the shorts, & close to 2 for the ads

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"Sting of Death" -1965- *The Hunchback of the Everglades suffers a squelching at the hands of Florida Gator co-ed swingers & marine scientists. He goes all man-o-war on their jiggly jellyfish jive asses.* 2 stars

Baywatch Nights: Pursuit *Stinks of 90s sleaze/cheese. Says "Nights" but can't help in filming over half the show on the pretty beaches during the day. Featuring a couple of my boyhood tv crushes, Carol Alt & Angie Harmon.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

Beavis & Butthead: Varga - "Greed" *Beavis has the great idea that someone should invent something to watch music videos on (a television). Butthead's great idea is Beavis should shut up.* 3 w/riffing 2 1/2 w/out

Troma presents "Blondes Have More Guns" *Basic Instinct parodies haven't aged well, but Troma satire silliness is timeless.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

Penn & Teller Bullshit!: The Business of Love, Yoga, Tantric Sex, Etc. & Sex, Sex, Sex *Follow made up rules, follow hokey signs, follow shady email-spam links, & fuck if any of it happens to work.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Video Dating: Looking for a goddess. A goddess is a woman, any woman, all women. No fatties!* 3 stars

*Sexual Harassment Comedy: Don't say anything, ever, because you're an obvious dickhead.* 1 star or close to 3

*Courtship vs. Dating: Don't get hung up on sweaty beefcakes. Acquire the fire to be a hard to get Christian cock-tease.* 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------------

David Hasselhoff - "Hooked On A Feeling" (Literal Video Version) *Hoff w/ "wiener" out & high on believing. "Please throw a fish at me!"* more than decent w/riffing or close to decent w/out

Nathan On Your Side: Sex In Advertising & Penis Extension *What turns you on? Please tell Santa so that we can market correctly.*

2 1/2 stars

Occult Demon Cassette presents "How To Be Cool At Parties" w/ Malcom Jamal Warner (1986) *Anybody can act like a jackass.* 2 1/2 stars

Pee Wee's Playhouse - Adult Humor & Innuendo (youtube) *Being a Spring chicken, I wasn't spry enough to see just how subliminal Saturday mornings really were.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Pod People *Smuckers presents movies

A) Redneck poachers run into 'The Thing From Another World' B) Lil' Opie & his new pet Alf... or C) Ace of Base's tragic vacation in the Catskill Mtns. Joel says "It stinks! *okay hand gesture*"*

3 stars w/riffing between 1 1/2 & 2 w/out

Herman's Head (Pilot Episode) *Clever premise pulled off effectively. Made even better by the voice of Lisa Simpson & another Simpsons' legend Hank Azaria's charm.* close to 3 stars

Comics Only: Employee of the Week - Hank Gallo (1990) *Talent scout who searches the gay leather bar scene.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Rachel Sweet - The Sweet Life (The Comedy Channel circa the early 1990s):

*Lou Diamond Phillips makes fun of greasy haired Johnny Depp

*Jon Stewart impersonates a pretentious French director

*Rachel Sweet is a quirky raven-haired petite cutey poking fun at the Cosmo magazine's version of a girly girl

*Naked centerfold spread of David Hasselhoff is mocked by Rachel...

*Classic "Cow Cow Boogie" film short, that I just saw on Night Flight, is sang along to karaoke style by Rachel... she's definitely sweet

*Quotes: An unexamined life is not worth living - Plato... Time eases all things -Sophocles Get over it - Rachel Sweet... (cute)

more than 2 stars

---------------------------

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junker-town · 7 years

Text

The Bachelorette Episode 5 recap: What was absolute garbage last night, and where were the bright spots?

Lee’s racism is still a main storyline, and it’s still super gross.

Hey gang, welcome back to hell, aka the recent episodes of The Bachelorette. This week, we’re going to do things a little bit differently, because I’m fed up that the producers are still making one guy’s flaming racism a main storyline.

In case you missed it, we left off primed for a two-on-one date between Lee and Kenny, from which only one man can return. Oh, and as though that weren’t bad enough in and of itself, they’re dragging this out for two nights. There’s an episode tomorrow, too, which is, for a Bachelorette beat writer, like having two back-to-back exams in college and but without Cheetos from the library’s vending machines to get you through.

Last week I wrote about how this show stopped being fun. I debated not writing about it at all anymore, to be honest, because a) last week made me want to stop watching, b) I have only so much to say about how slimy it is, and c) I said it all here. I have a feeling that until Lee and his Richard Spencer haircut get sent home, I’ll just keep writing some version of that over and over, with varying degrees of disgust.

However, I’m hoping that once this Lee B.S. is done, the show will get back to being what it’s supposed to be: a dumb (as opposed to sinister), Monday night diversion. In the meantime, I’m going to write about this program by scoring it like a sports game. I’ll be awarding an arbitrary number of points to Team Garbage and Team Bright Spots, so that at the end of this we can see whether there was anything worth watching at all.

BACK IN GOOD OL’ SOUTH CAROLINA BECAUSE THAT’S WHERE WE ARE FOR SOME REASON

Ugh, Kenny and Lee are talking on the porch. Kenny’s trying to stay calm. Lee says, “I respect how f[bleeping] calm you are, because you couldn’t do that the other night.” Lee is egging Kenny on, asking if he wants to get violent, twisting his words, gas-lighting him. I hate this. Lee calls Kenny a stack of bleeding muscle.

+1,800 for Team Garbage.

But then Kenny says this about Lee when Lee eventually backs down: “See what a b**** does when a b**** is confronted?”

+1,800 for Team Bright Spot.

BRYAN IS A TOOL

Bryan and Rachel are making out in a sailboat tied to a dock. It’s reminds me of kids making out in parked cars behind the high school gym, but instead of a car it’s a boat, and instead of high school it’s a reality show, and instead of kids it’s two humans over 30.

Bryan’s smarmy, smooth voice sounds like that of a late night DJ on a soft rock station. He says to Rachel, “So if you think I’m too good to be true for you, and I think you’re too good to be true for me, then there’s a very simple solution: I just think we’re a perfect match.”

Someone call Shakespeare and tell him there’s a new all-time great wordsmith coming for his throne!!!

This is not a point for Team Bright Spot, but it’s not a point for Team Garbage either. It’s more a point for Team Goober, so let’s go ahead and add that to the mix.

+900 for Team Goober.

Bryan's priorities are in order. #TheBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/cla5qLM32i

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 27, 2017

OH NO, OH JACK STONE, OH POOR JACK STONE

The last one-on-one date in South Carolina goes to Jack Stone, the lawyer who, for some reason, is the first person in the history of The Bachelorette to get a last name rather than just an initial.

I thought Bryan was a tool. But Jack Stone is giving him a run for his money from the get-go, when he says, from the perch of the horse-drawn carriage, “I like to joke, and if someone can’t take a joke, and joke back, it’s boring.”

Jack Stone, buddy, pal, my friend: if you have to say it, it probably isn’t true. This schmuck has definitely texted one of his friends before and been like, “Why do nice guys always finish last?”

Rachel and Jack Stone go to this bar called Shuckin’ and Shaggin’, where they eat oysters and do a dance called shagging. Which is not, as Austin Powers would lead you to believe, another word for having sex. Rachel doesn’t seem to be having much fun. Jack Stone gets pretty creepy on the boardwalk afterwards.

Jack and Rachel laying down the law on the dance floor! Well, Rachel anyway. #TheBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/r9RJbRP0QM

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 27, 2017

“So it was really hard to focus in there,” Jack Stone says. “Did you not notice? I kept staring at you? You looked amazing. You looked so pretty in there.”

Then he tries to kiss Rachel and Rachel is like “Eh, I’m sick, you don’t want to kiss me,” and he’s like no I do, and she’s like, no you don’t, and then he kind of pecks her on the lips and I AM DYING. I couldn’t be experiencing more second-hand embarrassment if I were actually the second hand on Jack Stone’s body.

OH MY GOD THE MOST AWKWARD EVENING DATE IN THE HISTORY OF THE BACHELORETTE HAPPENS

Note: If you’ve ever been on an incredibly uncomfortable date and don’t want to relive it, skip this, because I guarantee it will bring those memories flooding back. After watching and writing this I can’t stop thinking about this one date I went on where the conversation was the romantic equivalent of pulling teeth, so I lied and said that my roommate called to tell me my dishwasher broke. And I said I had to leave to “fix my dishwasher.” I might be a jerk.

Jack Stone tells the camera he’s falling in love with Rachel, which is strange because I think they’ve had maybe one (1) conversation before today. She looks as though she’d like to fall into the void she’s wishing would open up underneath the table.

Rachel says all the right things though, about how he’s great on paper, and how she’s hoping there’s some chemistry there. I find it hard to believe she thinks there could be after she looked physically repulsed when he tried to kiss her that afternoon, but I guess she’s all in on Bachelorette-speak.

It becomes very clear very quickly that there is no chemistry to be found when Jack Stone starts getting super weird. This, I have to say, is quality television. I’m laughing pretty hard as Jack Stone says, “I love parents,” and, “is your dad funny? I feel like I get him.” Rachel’s like “you don’t know my dad?” And Jack Stone’s like:

When it's just not there. #TheBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/M78lb36ibz

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 27, 2017

AND THEN JACK STONE SAYS HE’D LIKE TO TAKE RACHEL TO DALLAS, LOCK THE DOOR, AND JUST LAY IN BED AND HANG OUT

Which is what serial killers say before they murder you. I’m pretty sure Jack Stone is blacked out; I think that’s what’s going on. I don’t know how many drinks he had at Shuckin’ and Shaggin’, but he can barely string sentences together, and has trouble processing it when Rachel sends him home from the date for being the Mayor of Sketchyville.

I don’t know how to score this. I think we might be back to Team Goober. And I think it’s, like, +90,000.

LEE TALKS MORE TRASH, WILL EXPLAINS RACISM TO HIM, LEE DOESN’T LISTEN

Lee is trying to get Will to be on his side about the whole Kenny thing. And Will is like, “When you call someone aggressive, there is a long-standing tradition in this country of regarding black men in america as aggressive to justify a lot of other things.”

Lee goes on a rant about how he doesn’t respect it when people play the race card, and I want to put my foot through the television.

+320,984 points for Team Garbage.

ROSE CEREMONY

We know Lee won’t go home because they’ve been teasing the two-on-one date with him and Kenny forever. My question is: Are the producers making Rachel keep him around? Is she okay with this? She cant LIKE him. Ugh.

+10,000 points for Team Garbage.

+900 points for Team Bright Spot, because Iggy finally got sent home.

BRYAN’S ONE-ON-ONE DATE IN NORWAY BECAUSE SOMEONE AT ABC HAS CONNECTIONS TO THE NORTH POLE

I don’t know why, but for the past two seasons we keep going to the arctic. Nick took his ladies to Finland, and now Rachel’s taking her gents to Norway. Nothing against either of these countries: They both seem great. But whatever happened to romantic beach escapes? One of the producer’s dads must owe Santa Claus a ton of money and this is how they’re working through the debt.

Anyway, Rachel and Bryan go on the first one-on-one date in Norway, which is funny, because she hated Jack Stone and loves Bryan and they look exactly the same. Actually, they both look just like Joel Osteen, as Clinton Yates of The Undefeated pointed out. And then Jeff Weiner of the Orlando Sentinal made this:

I don't know what this is (network sitcom? cult brochure?) but creating it was a welcome distraction from what's happening on this show rn. http://pic.twitter.com/zGDpzTQicA

— Jeff Weiner (@JeffWeinerOS) June 27, 2017

Anyway, Rachel and Bryan-Jack-Joel go to this huge-ass ski jump left over from the Olympics (I think, I dont know, kind of made that up) and repel down it. Rachel is scared.

“I think I'm more afraid to let go physically rather than emotionally, but today I’m afraid to let go physically,” says Rachel, and it’s the most impressive Bachelorette platitude I’ve ever heard.

They make out in mid-air; Bryan makes these soft humming sounds while they kiss and I feel physically ill.

RACHEL IS INTO BRYAN, PHYSICALLY

Rachel and Bryan have a ton of chemistry, I’ll admit, so I think she just wants to seriously smooch (wink, wink) him. She wonders why Bryan is 37 and still single if he’s so great, and I’m like, hey, listen, let’s not assume people aren’t dateable just because they’re not already spoken for. I say this out loud to the pint of Ben & Jerry’s in my lap and the house plant near the television that I have named Steven.

Your friendly neighborhood Bachelorette, Rappelling Rachel! #TheBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/ZXWAMOyXxr

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 27, 2017

Rachel is being honest about not being able to believe it when good things happen to her when it comes to relationships. She says she doesn’t believe men when they say nice things, and that she has trouble taking compliments, because she’s guarded and skeptical. I relate to this, and would imagine many other women probably can too, so this is a big win for Team Bright Spot.

But then Bryan’s like yeah I used to be skinny and had acne and no one liked me but then I got super hot when I was a senior in high school LOL. Who among us, Bryan with a Y?

Anyway I guess they had a nice date, Bryan’s fine, whatever, who cares. I don't know why he creeps me out so much. He just does. He tells Rachel he loves her.

Let’s give Team Bright Spot +20,000 for this date because the bar is so low.

HANDBALL DATE AND ALSO OH YEAH PETER IS GOING TO WIN THE SHOW

“He was like Jordan in the ’97 Finals.” –Rachel on Will #TheBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/3y76Moiplb

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 27, 2017

So the guys go play handball. Alex the Russian dude calls the Norweigians vikings, and the Norweigian handball coach says, “Handball is life.”

Peter is so clearly going to win this whole thing — he and Rachel make out (she straddles him!) in a hot tub at the night portion of the date. They walk back into the main room three and a half hours later the way two college kids who had sex all night walk into the dining hall in the morning and have to face all their friends.

But Rachel gives Will the Immunity Rose because if she gave Peter the Immunity Rose everyone would be like yeah, I’ll pack my bags and leave because there’s no way I can catch up to how much Rachel likes Peter.

There is, however, this really funny moment when Josiah tells Rachel, “You are the woman for me. The woman of my dreams. I just want to grow old with you and I really, really mean that, Rachel.”

Rachel is like hey, the thing is, you don’t ask me questions about myself.

Josiah says, “Right. You’re so perceptive.”

He leaves the conversation being like, “Nailed it!” and she literally tells the camera: “Do I question it? Of course. He sounds disingenuous. He likes the idea of me than rather than really getting to know who Rachel is.”

I love how this probably happens all the time with dudes. Where a woman leaves a date being like, eh, he seems up his own ass and self-involved, and he’s on his group text with his friends being like “she loves me, bro, I killed it, we’re totally going to bone.”

#TheBachelorette http://pic.twitter.com/6eEiPIA3RC

— The Bachelorette (@BacheloretteABC) June 27, 2017

Team Bright Spot gets points because Rachel dunked on Josiah behind his back. +1,825

LEE AND KENNY’S AWFUL, MANIPULATIVE 2-ON-1 DATE

This is where stuff gets bad again. I’m still so appalled by how long this storyline has gone on.

I have a hard time believing Rachel doesn’t see exactly what’s happening. It’s not about her relationships with them at this point, these guys have become a side show. Yes, that’s what the two-on-one date always becomes — no one who goes on it ever makes it very far after. But this is the grossest yet.

The whole back-and-forth on the date is fairly extensive, but, in short: Kenny tells Rachel he isn’t aggressive the way Lee says he is, and then Lee lies and says that Kenny tried to pull him out of a van one time. Rachel says she believes Kenny.

This reminds me a lot of WWE. Kenny’s a wrestler. He’s the face. Lee is so one-dimensionally evil that I don’t know whether this is scripted; he’s the quintessential heel. The producers have set it up so the two of them just sit there talking trash to each other for a while, and Rachel isn’t there. I don’t know where else she could be if not told specifically to hang back, considering they just flew into the middle of nowhere on a helicopter.

Perhaps it’s real. But either way, we’re all being manipulated racism for ratinga, and it’s and ugly and I wish they hadn’t gone this shameful route. No amount of knowing or not knowing absolves this plotline of it’s terribleness.

Tomorrow won’t be any better — Kenny bleeds from the eye and weeps, and Rachel cries a lot. I am dreading this with every fiber of my being.

But hey, nothing like a bunch of active racism to promo the next episode! This has moved to extremely shameful levels

— Clinton Yates (@clintonyates) June 27, 2017

Team Garbage points: +2,890,267

TOTALS

Team Garbage: 3,223,051

Team Bright Spots: 24,525

Team Goober: 181,800

Welp, Garbage won tonight by a landslide and I can’t imagine tomorrow will be any better! Classic 2017 for ya.

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