#still not great lmao WAS THERE A LIE THERE poor guy was so stressed as a kid

[hrhprincerichard]

Steven,

Right, of course. You wanted to get on his good side. Makes sense. If it helped I'm glad. You are so articulate and passionate about things important to you, no chance you'd have said something dumb. Yeah, I can see why you'd be nervous. It clearly means a lot to you and you've worked so hard. Congrats on keeping it together and hitting it off with Martin.

Thanks. Hopefully it's enough. Happening that often? I guess getting used to it is better than not since it's out of your hands to stop it. Hate it for you. He is a good kid. I hope eventually comes sooner rather than later for your sake everyone's sake.

May

May,

Why wouldn't I want to? You're the one who didn't want me associated with you. That's why I was worried you'd mind. Sure I'd want to, I figured it'd help if he knew you recommended him. I just told him we're friends but I think he knew Glad you don't mind. And maybe you're right, he definitely didn't think I'm an idiot, thank goodness. I was a little nervous so I was worried I'd say something dumb but I managed to keep it together.

I know. Your best is all you can do. Try to remember that. Thanks, it's not fun but I'm kind of getting used to it. He's a good kid, I know he'll figure it out eventually.

Steven

[charlessmiths-wife]

here - have some hcs about how the RE8 women would help you when you’re feeling a bit down! Bc we all know stress would be a lot easier to handle with some of our fave evil women by our side <3 ❤️💕💗💓

RE8 WOMEN COMFORTING YOU WHEN STRESSED/UPSET

ALCINA

-> In my mind Alcina sort of freaks out the first time she sees you get really stressed

-> she’s not been comforted much herself in her life, so she’s not entirely sure how to do it.

-> at first, she’s a tad maternal about the whole thing. she’s accustomed to comforting her daughters, however - she soon learns there’s a difference between the comfort of a mother and the comfort of a partner

-> and so with time, I reckon Alcina shifts and grows into an excellent partner to have around in instances of stress. she’s calm, she’s cool and collected. she’ll reason with you and rationally talk you down from your stress - before doing something with you to take your mind off it. maybe going for a walk or taking you on a date.

-> either way, your stress always dissipates with Alcina’s help.

BELA

-> Ugh. She can relate.

-> Bela is a stressed girlie herself, it’s something she’s accustomed to - therefore it’s something she’s used to dealing with.

-> She’d be very helpful. She’d talk it through with you, I reckon Bela is a great listener - and she’d hold you close whilst letting you talk about it for as long as you need.

-> picture this, your head on Bela’s chest, her fingers slowly stroking and combing through your hair whilst you tell her about all your worries, and she softly hums and nods along. being there for you every step of the way. who wouldn’t feel better?

CASSANDRA

-> lmao

-> Cassandra is the love of my life, so I can confidently admit that for a while babygirl would have NO IDEA what she’s doing

-> I think Cassandra is a very rational woman, and so seeing you upset immediately makes her think there’s some sort of immediate threat that needs sorting out.

-> so her initial reaction might be more… panicked than the calm and cool response you might see from the rest of her family members

-> however once you assure her you’re in no harm or danger, she’ll calm down, and then she can get to comforting you.

-> because she’s so rational, Cassie is EXCELLENT at providing advice for your situation.

-> she’ll sort whatever’s upsetting you out instantly. she’s just that good.

-> and, of course, she’ll do her best to comfort you along the way. Pressing a kiss to your forehead and reminding you how proud she is of you. I’m in love.

DANIELA

-> babygirl is like a KOALA BEAR

-> when Dani can tell your stressed/generally upset, she’ll cling to you. cuddling up with you as much as she can and not letting you go.

-> “oh my poor baby! come here, lie down with me.”

-> she’ll pepper your face with kisses. all whilst letting you complain all you need about whatever’s getting you down.

-> she’ll also join in on the complaining. which is just… so funny?

-> “ugh, I’m sorry about your boss my love…. she sounds like a total jerk!” “… you don’t know her, Dani.” “Still!”

-> it’s just very loving from her. as she is with everything. she’ll hold your hand and kiss you softly and tell you how loved you are, and remind you that you’ll always have her.

DONNA

-> the first time she sees you stressed or upset - DONNA. FREAKS. OUT.

-> somehow even more than Cassandra and Alcina combined.

-> however, as time passes and you guys get to know each other more and more… Donna becomes amazing?

-> she can instantly tell when somethings getting you down. and from there she acts as a silent but strong presence. she’ll guide you through whatever’s getting you down.

-> her go to plan is to run the pair of you a bath, and then cook you dinner. I head cannon Donna is an EXCELLENT cook and she knows how to cook up a comforting and hearty dish that’ll make you feel just better.

-> she’s very good at dealing with the emotional aspect of it all. she might not always know exactly what advice to give, but she is an EXCELLENT listener and she’ll always do her absolute best to calm you down. rubbing your back and holding you close, wiping your tears if needs be.

-> (can you tell im a massive Donna girlie?)

MIRANDA

-> surprisingly, she’s excellent.

-> Miranda’s well accustomed, in my mind, to dealing with you being upset/stressed about a situation.

-> she knows if you need comforting or advice.

-> if it’s comforting you need, she’ll pull out all the stops. running you a bath, rubbing your back, letting you talk it out.

-> if it’s advice you need, Miranda is excellent. she’ll help you sort your situation out as quick as possible.

-> no matter what, she’ll brew you a cup of tea and remind you not to let things get you down. she reminds you of the importance of only concerning yourself with what you can control.

-> she’ll tell you how well you’re doing, and how loved you are. kissing you softly and resting your forehead against hers. she makes the world calm down for you.

[jade-parcels]

Gift giving

With Xiao, Kaeya, Childe and Albedo :)

—————————

Xiao:

He isn’t that great at finding things you’ll like. Xiao is super attentive, he knows what you like but when he’s standing there in front of a jewelry stand or patch of wild flowers he feels like an idiot

He just overthinks things, blows them way out of proportion in his head. This is all new to him still! And he feels like a jerk when you bring little trinkets to him cause you make it seem so effortless :(

“Xiao, look at this! Its a necklace made of a geovisap tooth! Isn’t it beautiful?” “Mhm” “I got one for you too” See?? See?? You always just find things like that! Probably because you’re more social than he is

One day, while clearing a hilichurl camp, he finds a lizard and remembers you talking about them. You went on and on about how some lizards lose their tails or camouflage with their surroundings (he listened to your entire rant about it) So he snatches it up and heads back to the Wangshu Inn, demanding a glass jar from Verr Goldet so he can keep it contained.

When you’re done with your commissions and make your way up to his room, he pretty much shoves the lizard jar into your hands the second you open the door

“What’s this?” “It’s a lizard” “Right...But why are you giving me a lizard..?”

Now he’s flustered and embarrassed “You said you liked them. Whatever, give it back I’ll go put it outside-“ “No! No, thank you very much. I love it”

He scoffs and crosses his arms, leaning into your hold when you hug him. Even though you liked it, he feels ridiculous . And his chest feels all warm inside...maybe he is turning into a softie...

Kaeya:

Kaeya loves being romantic with you! Any kind of grand gesture like giving you flowers or bringing home a fancy bottle of wine are common when you’re together

He’ll bring home flowers at the end of the week so you always have fresh ones! Flora has started setting aside flowers in advance cause she knows Kaeya will stop by and ask for the same bouquet of cecelias as he does every week

You’ll be walking along the streets of Mondstadt, running errands for Glory and collecting payments from Katheryne, the warm summer breeze in your face...And you’re yanked into an alley between houses “There you are! I’ve been patrolling all afternoon looking for you, beautiful~”

He’ll press cool kisses to your face before pulling back to look at you again “I have something you might like” there’s a mischievous glint in his eye as he pulls a ring from his pocket. The gemstone in it matches the one in his earring. When you ask where he got it he just laughs and winks “Aha, let’s just say it’s from a ‘friend’”

Most material gifts he gives you will be from ‘friends’ (or informants) but if that bothers you, you can always tell him to knock it off pffttt

Otherwise the gifts he gives you will be flowers, wine and food. Why? Because those are things you get to enjoy together :’) he loves spending quality time with you! So when you get to sit back together and enjoy each other’s company??? He wishes he could bottle up that feeling of warmth and love he feels towards you uuugh

Be careful though cause when you start buying him expensive things, he’ll try to one-up you lmao

Childe:

Ah yes, our favorite rich boy! He has plenty of mora to spend on you! Trust me... He’ll spoil you

He spoils his family back home because he loves them so that’s exactly what he’ll do for you! You like those shoes? They’re yours! You like the food from that little stand? He’d buy the whole thing if you’d let him

He’s also famous for coming home from long work trips with a bunch of boxes full of stuff for you! Clothes, trinkets, anything he thought you’d like “Childe, you didn’t have to spend so much on me” “Aw~ Don’t worry about it!”

Childe can be a bit overwhelming at times so tell him if he’s stressing you out with his spending!! I mean, he probably won’t stop anytime soon and just tease you about it but he’ll think it’s cute that you’re worried about his bank account ;)

He tries so hard to make things for you but they almost always fail so he hides/throws out his attempts! It would be so embarrassing if you saw Tartaglia, the 11th Fatui Harbinger struggling so hard with knitting needles lmao poor guy!! This is why he just buys things

If you were to make him something though, he’d probably get emotional. It doesn’t matter what that thing may be! A pair of mittens, a painting, arrows for his bow, it really doesn’t matter! If you took the time to MAKE him something?? He’s gonna be totally speechless.

“Woah! Babe, this...This is...wow. I didn’t know you were so good at this” he’ll inspect every inch of it, eyes wide with childish excitement “I can’t wait to take you home to my parents, they would get a kick out of this”

Albedo:

Most of the gifts Albedo gives you will be made by him! So if you’re into handmade things, he’s your man!

He paints and sketches in his free time so when he has to be away from you, he’ll paint landscapes of the places he goes to give you when he comes home

He’ll also paint portraits of you and your friends/family if you ask! If he can make time, he’ll get everyone together to paint a big portrait of you all :)

You’re the only one allowed to see his u finished paintings. Albedo loves it when you come keep him company while he paints or works. He’s used to a nice, quiet lab but now that he has you, the quiet isn’t as nice anymore :( he likes having you with him to tell him stories about your adventures or complain about commissions, anything to fill the silence

Oh oh oh another thing he loves is this: the two of you sit on the ground beneath a tree, the sun in your faces. You between his legs with your back against his chest and you paint together on the same canvas :’) you’ve got birds chirping, wind blowing and you’re talking...Ugh, he feels so at ease and loved when you’re here

Your presence is the greatest gift you could give him! “You should stop by again tomorrow evening, I could use your help with an experiment or two” that’s a lie, he just wants you to get you alone lol

[shimmershae]

My thoughts on Episode 7--Promises Broken

Placed behind a cut for those of you that would rather escape my babbling, lol.  You’re welcome.  

The episode opens with Maggie, Elijah, Father Gabe, and Negan.  

Right away I can’t help feeling disappointed because the emotional core of last episode (Kelly and Connie’s reunion and the aftermath) seems like it’s being ignored and punted further down the road so we can waste another hour getting piece meal progress on the Reaper front, but I’m going to try to push my misgivings away and enjoy this episode for what it is, so.  

“Daryl just told us to go home.”  

And save your hides and keep the rest of the community safe?  I can’t argue that Negan might have an actual point here, lol.  But Maggie sure can.  

Not gonna lie.  When Negan came back with “I think he was being subtle. He said they were armed with lookouts” I had to LOL.  

“We will never be even.”  I mean.  Maggie been frustrating me with her stubbornness in this suicide mission, true.  But she right.  They will never, ever be even.  

“Ya’ll know Blackbeard, too?”  I admit it.  I laughed.  A little.  

Okay.  I don’t know if this bodes well for this episode or not, but the cold opening in this episode?  Was the most underwhelming cold open of this season.  

At least the opening credits still give me that old familiar rush of the heyday of TWD.  

Fake Stephanie and Eugene are on Walker clean up duty.  Hmm.  I think I’m going to refer to Fake Stephanie as Fifi until she gets a real name for brevity’s sake.  

Fifi handles herself surprisingly well with the Walkers.  Is she one of Mercer’s stormtroopers working undercover maybe?  

Somehow I doubt it’s true that our friends can trust “Lance” but whatever, lol.  

I hate to admit it but I’m already kind of bored with this episode.  We’re barely over 6 minutes in.  

I didn’t recognize Princess without her fluffy pink coat!  

Zeke is definitely struggling.  

I do like that these two  have been paired up.  They have taken to each other quickly and already have a good rapport.  There’s something endearing about their scenes together.  

“Never been afraid of hard work.  Kinda anti-friends who die from stubbornness.”  Have I mentioned lately how much I love Princess?  Because I really, really do.  

So it’s been days.  Has it been days that Maggie and Negan and Co. have been outrunning the Reapers?  I’m talking since they left the safe house.  Does that mean that it’s also been days since Kelly and Connie’s reunion?  This timeline is so slow and yet they keep telling us it’s been days and making me think we’ve been missing time.  Like I can’t even.  

You know Carol’s “Pookie is in danger” senses have to be big-time tingling by now if it’s been DAYS.  

Also?  Alden almost certainly has to be dead.  

But I digress.  They obviously don’t want us getting hung up on the apparent time warp between ASZ, Meridian, and the Commonwealth.  It’s like the Bermuda Triangle of the ZA.  

“A person with your pedigree...”  

Okay then.  Commonwealth is full of uppity assholes.  Good to know.  

Yumiko looks classy!  I say that in my best Princess voice, lol.  

Well.  At least they’ve given Daryl Dog back.  Has Dog come to his senses though?  That is the question.  

Daryl sharing a smoke with the enemy to gain some intel.  Or maybe just the keys to food storage.  

So.  Another redshirt (Elijah’s sister’s friend) we don’t know bites the dust.  Meh.  Including that tidbit in the trailer was purposefully misleading, lol.  Not that I want people to die, but still.  

“But the one?  He’s mine.”  Let’s take bets.  Was it Carver Elijah has a beef with because it just seems like it was.  Could also be that his name is the only one I know, lol.  

Where is Maggie sending our hobbled Father G?  

“I kept my mask for practical and sentimental reasons.”  Negan?  You almost had me.  He really can’t help his inherent asshole-ishness can he?  

But seriously.  Yuck at what they about to do because I assume Alpha and Co. at least cured the nasty skins.  

I wish I could say I give a damn that they’re attempting to give Leah some more likeable layers but it’s a cheap cheat so naw.  

There’s that damn river that symbolizes the great divide between Daryl and his love and his family.  At least it’s pretty.  

I’m with Daryl.  Is Pope just looking to cleanse the earth of those he doesn’t feel belong or what?  Wheedle the truth out of her, Daryl.  

“You never needed anyone to make you strong.”  

Think our guy has ever said this to his real girl?  

It’s kinda funny that the Whisperer flunkie is now the herding Whisperer tutor.  

Is that the Reaper’s version of a priest?  Sorry.  I swear.  I’ve been trying to pay attention during their scenes.  But my mind wanders because it feels like Woodbury and the Sanctuary all over again.  The Whisperers at least were elevated by Samantha Morton, Ryan Hurst, Thora Birch, and yes, Jeffrey Dean Morgan.  Like I love Norman Reedus and the character he’s crafted in Daryl but he’s not enough to have me enthralled with Leah and these dudes.  I don’t care if they were all Calendar pinups before the ZA.  

Truly.  A+ casting with Yumiko’s brother.  

Yeah.  Something’s definitely fishy about Tomi’s reluctance to go back to his old life in the Commonwealth, but the desire for a slower, less stressful existence is definitely relatable so I’m not going to hold that part against him at all.  

What did Maggie say after Elijah asked if Negan had changed?  Because I replayed it a handful of times and still don’t know.  

This Lancy Hornsby dude reeks of slimy politician.  

Too much one on one Daryl and Leah in this episode.  Without any kind of chemistry at least these two drag each other and their parts of the episode down.  Leah’s character is a fail for me and it has nothing to do with shipping reasons.  She’s just not believable or authentic to her role as a mercenary.  

“If I could do it all over again, I’d have killed every single one of you.”  Damn.  Well.  He’s being true to himself, I guess.  Unapologetically Negan.  

Again.  I can’t say Negan’s wrong exactly but shit does he deliver some uncomfortable truths.  

Princess’s childlike delight over treats is <3.  

Look at Eugene running toward danger!  OG Eugene would never.  Abe would be so proud.  

Eugene and Fifi actually work pretty good together but it all feels so staged.  I feel sorry for our guy.  

“This guy was being, well, an asshole.”  LMAO @ Josh’s delivery. The asshole definitely deserved that punch and his date deserved to be eaten.  

Real Stephanie is so pretty.  

Aww.  She’s concerned about Eugene.  

Oh shit.  Eugene punched Pamela Milton’s little entitled prick of a son.  This feels like the ASZ Monroes all over again.  Sorry.  I can’t remember their names.  

Poor Eugene.  Have I said that already?  

Is this Lance Hornsby guy the lesser of two evils or...”  

All the chances you’ve gotten, hmm?  Seems to me they’ve been set up for some failure too, though.  

Maggie and Negan leading a herd where?  Meridian?  

That poor woman.  Just wanting her family safe and spared of seeing her meet her maker.  

f

So Leah’s not completely cold.  Okay.  Doesn’t mean she’s able to be saved though.  

At this point, Kang is just  yanking Daryl’s chain and ours in the process.  

Even hidden behind that skin mask, Elijah made me tear up when he saw his sister.  

No previews?  What a copout.  

Not Kang correlating Maggie and Negan to child and coach, lol.  

The narrative they keep pushing about the villains having families and FEELINGS doesn’t change much for me, Angela.  Gracie was the only innocent in that outpost Team Family attacked.  I’m not saying they should have done it but stop trying to make the bad guys sympathetic.  It isn’t earned.  

Interesting how she mentions Gabe is trying so very hard to hold onto faith.  

If Leah’s the frog boiling in that pot?  They better be serving frog legs to the starving community she’s hunting.  Just saying.  

Overall impression of this episode?  

It was boring.  No seriously.  

I wish I could say I liked it better but it was just meh.  I can’t even muster up any words because I just feel blah about it and that’s not a good feeling to have going into the first final (mid?  half?  tri?  I don’t know what to call it) episode of the season.  

Withholding the previews further adds to the doldrums because what is there to actually be excited about here after that episode?  At least try to pique our interest, Angela.  

[ryttu3k]

Finishing up SoNY, ‘bad’ end and final thoughts!

But first, the early game over.

Wow, she just gets shot. Not even slurped? That’s rude as hell XD;;

And on to the ‘bad’ end!

Beginning is much the same, ofc.

“You’re too in love with weaving a good story and establishing a seductive narrative to let facts get in the way.” Foreshadowing for the ‘good’ end, maybe?

God that Embrace scene gives me literal goosebumps.

Alright! Last time I did Danse Macabre and Retributive Justice, let’s try The Risks of Swiping Right!

lmao god I’d eat this guy too. Back to the ghost club! That legitimately is a really neat scene. ...Ooh yes so that’s where the girl was from.

Panhard just lowkey dying at the mental image of Katherine Weise in a fast food restaurant is so good.

The sweet scene between Julia and Dakota hits a bit different after the ‘good’ end XD;;

Went to the park, reminisced, and helped out the guy. That was sweet ;_; High-humanity Julia, this time!

‘Fairy God Mother?’ is great but ‘Vin Diesel?’ is objectively the funnier response.

“Shining even more brightly than usual, Aisling.” Samira got a cru-ush~

Poor Julie. It’s probably been tough without Sophie around :(

Huh. Interestingly, refusing to lie to Mia results in Julia actually feeling genuine loyalty to the Cammies (for now, at least).

Believing Agathon is still alive = more optimistic = different dialogue! See, this is how you make choices have consequences, game!

Oooh boy time to meet Adelaide XD;;

“She uncrosses her legs in a strangely seductive motion. In her mind’s eye, it probably looked like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, but in reality, it had all the grace of a tracksuit Slav squatting.” *snickering*

Fight me, Adelaide >:(

‘sup Nastya. Went with the slightly less disruptive routine here XD Huh, she’s an aspiring DJ! Julia is deeply confused as to how being a DJ and being head of security works together.

lmao Julia referring to Hope as a girlboss. That phrase has lost all meaning to me...

The conversation between Julia and Father Leonard is still really interesting. Man, you know who I want Julia to talk to? Anatole. Interesting insights into balancing being queer Catholic vampires there for sure.

lmao oh my god I want to fight this street reporter.

‘I can almost feel my brain losing its wrinkles.’ *snort*

Yeaghhhh the Abyss bit is still so creepy...

Oops. Being honest regarding Tamika and Torque’s relationships gets a fail :(

Oh, or not XD That works! Also, uh, apparently the giant albino ghoul alligator is real, according to New York by Night. He’s Calebros’ pet.

“Because I think I have a pretty good nose for people’s auras. And when I take a good look at you... ...somehow, I have a feeling you’re a surprisingly decent person. Whatever way of unlife you choose, I hope you don’t change it. And that you remember my advice.” :)

“I know.” Oof.

“Hi.” “WAAAH!” lmao sorry Princess XD;; Just trying to imagine Qadir’s face as he tells Julia to find a 1990 glass statue of Scrooge McDuck... dying...

Oh she’s so a Toreador XD Low art options are a fantasy book, an anime DVD, or a video game... those can all be arty, though! And went with the anime DVD called ‘Ririsu no Daibouken’... that translates to ‘Adventures of Lilith’. How on the nose XD “The cover says ‘Lilith’s Carnal Carnival’.” Oh. Yeah, that’d do it XD

“This 90s original video anime presents us with a tale of five big-bosomed samurai warriors travelling through America in search of General Hastavista, The Incubus King. Don’t let all the titillation misguide you: the main draws here are peerless direction, a nearly avant-garde editing rhythm and dialogue that coyly comments on traditional gender roles in anime. Once you see the animation in the final battle, you’ll understand why it never fails to set a sakuga fan’s heart ablaze!”

She’s my new favourite.

“So can I know your name now?”

“Hmmm... Let me think...

No. <3″

I need to stress that the heart appears in the dialogue box. Like. The actual less-than-three heart.

Didn’t investigate the rat this time, so Qadir did and I die. “Glad you’re alright, little guy.” Qadir...

Still not over the drunk blood doll rats.

Kaiser’s still a goddamn creep and this time Julia is not going too far. She still has her humanity, dammit. Final set of traits:

Loyal to the end

Glass half-full

Not into a bad cop schtick

Honesty is the best policy

No more human, still humane

Onwards to the ‘bad’ end! Oops, and Dakota still did the Single White Female thing XD;;

Man I’m still really curious who the ‘good friend’ is!!

Okay! Time for end game!!

So that’s the good friend, huh? “Let me phrase it differently, then. You’re not Ecaterina the Wise, the Agitator of Prague, a Brujah elder causing turbulences all over the world... are you?”

Mention of Christof! Mention of Christof doing shady shit :| Poor Hana.

“An immigrant from Eastern Europe comes to New York City, takes the position she always expected to find herself in, is molded into someone who is no longer herself.”

Julia and Dakota representing Carthage is kind of neat.

I want to say the mention of St Jude is a reference, but I’m not sure what to XD;; Is that from Redemption? Christof could have been the one to tell Hana that.

“Like a two-person human centipede loop or something. An Ouroburos? Or an, uhh, Mobius strip?” No, that’s the other traditionally Sabbat clan XD

That‘s. That’s a hell of a reconciliation XD “Yeah, let’s give it a try. By the way I’m on the run for my unlife, want to go to California and try to find utopia?”

Julia, wear a fucking mask XD

“Hey.”

“Yeah?“

“Do you love me?”

“... Of course I do. For now, at least.”

I still don’t know if I love her. Or even if I can love anyone, for that matter. I’m a fucking monster, after all. I don’t even know if we’ll exist next month. The prospects are not looking good. But although I can’t see myself in the rearview mirror right now...

...I will remember this image of us leaving the city, somewhat melancholic, and somewhat hopeful, forever. And maybe the meaning of this image will be clarified with time. Or maybe I will just force a more positive description on it, and that is what I’ll believe.

No matter what happens... even if oceans of blood lie before us, I will make this a cherished memory.

Whatever possible salvation still remains for me... ...it probably lies in the eyes of another.

Oh dang I have chills.

So the ‘bad’ ending is about the subverted compromise. Julia resigns herself to letting the compromise about the truth of Callihan’s death go ahead. ‘Catherine’ is a walking compromise to hide the Ecaterina’s real deeds. But while Hana is still stuck in her role for now, Julia refuses to accept the compromise she’s made, both the one relating to the investigation and the compromise she made of her own views and morals. It might blow up in her face, yeah. But damn, she’s going to try.

So, final thoughts! For the sake of completion, this is what I said about Coteries:

And of course this is the part where the game all falls apart :-\

Just… god. This is probably the biggest problem with CoNY, and the reason I didn’t bother getting it until it was like… 60% off. The bulk of the game is great - the writing is intriguing, the design is stunning. But the choices themselves are so limited it’s barely worth even getting it at 60% off!

You have three choices of characters, with their own opening chapters and own individual scenes with their touchstones. You have four choices of coterie members, and three sidequests. You can probably get in at least three full story arcs and a sidequest or two, but you’re only ever limited to two of your coterie members showing up at the not-yet-endgame.

So let’s say you decide to play all three protags, which, indeed, is encouraged (there’s an achievement for it). You are going to repeat coterie arcs and side quests, because there simply aren’t enough for three unique playthroughs.

And then you get to the end and literally everything is scripted. You get attacked by the SI. You get rescued by your two coterie members (and then never see them again, despite the game being called Coteries of New York). You meet Torque, you escape the SI, Sophie reveals her plan to Torque, you go to Ellis Island, Adelaide kills Sophie (and despite the fact that you’re given multiple options there, none of them work), Arturo does his spiel, end of game. You don’t even get to choose between ending up blood bound or going “no fuck you” and at least dying with a bit of dignity!

I just. I really want to like it, and there genuinely is a lot there to like! But uuuugh the ending. Like damn at least give the poor protag the option to choose what happens to them!

Anyway. Not sure what’s next. To get all the achievements, you have to finish with all three protags, so that’s three full runs and a lot of repetitiveness (compare to, say, Bloodlines or Night Road. I have eighty-five hours on Night Road and there’s still stuff I haven’t seen!), so I can’t even just… rush it through up to the meeting with the touchstones on the third play. Nope. Gotta finish it :-\

Final rating: 6/10

8/10 characters, 9/10 atmosphere, 8/10 story aside from ending, 3/10 story ending, 2/10 replayability. Final consensus: get it on major sale if you can, otherwise, you might as well just watch an LP. I might do that instead of doing a third run, although I at least want to do a second.

I ended up revising that 6/10 to 5.5/10 after finishing all runs and getting the achievements just out of how goddamn repetitive it was. So, how does Shadows measure up?

Absolutely continued with all the things I enjoyed about CoNY (characters, atmosphere, and writing), and of the bits I hated (cookie cutter protagonists, lack of real choice, repetitiveness, the godawful ending), every single part has been completely improved.

Instead of three fledglings so similar they even have the same internal thoughts, we have Julia, who’s got such a distinct voice that she becomes the most memorable game protag I’ve seen in years, and I’m including non-VtM games in this. This is absolutely her game, and it’s just... absolutely fascinating to read and watch.

Related - actual real choices. There are five key choices that determine the ending, and every single one has actual consequence in-game. You get different dialogue. Different introspection. Different philosophies. And this carries across - if Julia believes Agathon is alive, she’s more optimistic about her relationship with Dakota, too. And of course, both endings are completely distinct and incredibly written - the ‘good’ ending where Julia gives in to her most Lasombra instincts, plays the game, wins it, gets power and respect at the expense of her humanity and avoiding all those wraiths... or the ‘bad’ ending when she listens to her morals, reconciles with Dakota, and leaves for California, uncertain, but hopeful.

Not a lot of repetitiveness. Yes, by design, you’ll probably do two playthroughs. The main plot is much the same, but there are enough options there to get multiple dialogue options and stuff. And for the little sidequests, you can actually get all in with just the two playthroughs, only repeating like... two, I think. Still, I wasn’t feeling actively bored like I was midway through my second run of CoNY!

Loved seeing more in-depth backstory and development for the coterie members. Agathon’s section was particularly fascinating, literally getting into his head.

And just. Atmosphere and music is so, so good.

Final rating: 9/10. Thank you, Draw Distance, you hit it out of the park.

[splendidshinobi]

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST 2003 LIVE REACT: EPISODES 21-25

almost halfway done lads how we feelin'

episode 21: the red glow

ah yes barry

"i'm alphonse elric!!!!!" yes u r baby!!!

who just popped over the wall

scar im assuming

"i kill therefore i am".....barry spouting descartes rn

it was scar haha

um

hi greed

thought i saw you earlier

WHY DID THEY DRAW HIS ARMS THAT LONG

ope he found the chimera crew...

jerry jewell's evil laugh gets me every time lmao he's so great

ed has deep philosophical talks bro

also ed is chaotic but his personal morals are unshakeable

who are these prison guards gonna release

oh hey kimblee

oh hey squad

ed take out ur pokeball

um wth is that

OH MY GOD TUCKER WHAT

EW

I THOUGHT IT WAS A GIANT YODA OR A SWAMP MONSTER

he looks FUCKKEDDDD

bro of all the things i was not expecting him

oof ishval flashbacks

young scar why is your hair brown

why is it white now

WHY IS HE NAKED

whos her

lust 1.0 im assuming

ew omg tucker is literally so fuckin nasty lookin idk

idk why but he's worse than rod reiss titan for me

wait a damn minute

wait a damn fucking minute

goddamnit

what is GOIN ON

i need tucker to stop whispering he sounds like fucking voldemort on the back of quirrells head

jesus

episode 22: created human

hughes' pajamas look like armin's futon from aot junior high

the bad place???? was that greed's prison gluttony was lookin at?

im still shook af over tucker and tbh its been like 24 hours since i watched episode 21

STOP WHISPERING TUCKER

driving me up a wall

my poor son looks so tired :(

those moral principles at it again

bradley.......

ewww the way tucker walks STOP

hi envy!!!!!

so all of those prisoner guys gonna get flattened by some alchemy

hey kimblee!!!

so did greed escape with the homies???? cause i feel like he would have made his presence known already....

i feel like im missing a lot because im a ding dong

musty prison kimblee is kinda...hot....physically speaking..oops..personality wise obviously there's MUCH to work on

so envy knows hohenheim

ED BABY

he won't do it

oh no alphonse

oh god memory implants

al's identity crisis CONTINUES

they wanna become humans??? huh....doesnt really make sense for their characters...(maybe envy but more on that at 11)

is ed gonna kill these guys for al

some1!!!!!! hold!!!!! me!!!! im so stressed

is he pretending to do it and he's got another plan up his sleeve!!!!????

honestly he's so depressed i cant even tell

those unshakable moral principles at work again i see

the red water can turn ed into a god???? wtf ed doesnt want to be a god he wants to punch god

oh theres the greed squad! i found them!!! is kimblee joining up with them

maria girly!!!!!!!

THE HOMUNCULI IN THEIR STUPID UNIFORMS I--

who's the lady. i need 2 know.

episode 23: fullmetal heart

alphonse is destroyed again

poor kid

"edward sir" brosh pls!!!

oh excuse me--- ***Bloch

The Ross Slap™

winry <3

pinako takes no prisoners

ed didnt you JUST tell brosh and ross they might be right that you needed to trust adults with more shit and now youre blowing off hughes

ed's DRAWINGS im-

hi sig hi izumi!!!

al is so sad over there in that corner

poor baby son

sometimes i feel like hughes and mustang are ed and al's divorced dads

the little arakawa avatar cows in the back im CRYING!!!!!!!

“bean”

snappy al

ooffffffff

omg hughes plz

elicia is precious though we love her

"dad's friend the bookworm" omg sheska

awwww gracia made edward a cake!!!!!!!

god catch me cryin in the club

CONGRATULATIONS

"whatever" al im crying he's so sad

AL MADE BROSH OR WHOEVER CARRY HIS DESTROYED ARMOR TO THE ROOF IM ACTUALLY YELLING

"you goof"

yes winry you are correct boy is a goof

sir you are being so dramatic

give that baby a hug

"so called brother"

so we all know that was a knife through the heart for ed

al just jumped off a FUCKING ROOF and ED TRIED TO FOLLOW

so im crying

i liked this better when they HAD A CONVERSATION ABOUT AL'S FEARS AND MADE THE FUCK UP

episode 24: bonding memories

guess we're gonna play w my emotions again

sometimes like....one bit characters talk...like villager b ya know? and im like who are you i know that voice

so the nasty military has come to ruin some lives again

and barry for some reason

aww poor al

youre real you are!!!!!!

i just feel like people would know people that wear sunglasses in the rain would be ishvalan

but what do i know

obviously they dont have the white hair thing in this version

poor ed is so sad

these boys need a hug 

let me just *pulls out adoption papers*

well if scar doesnt have queen mei to adopt in 03, he’s got this little toothless boy

dont lie al you do care

ew i dont like her

the drama of this boy

so the nasty military has come to ruin some lives again part 2

apparently they are *mercenaries??? excuse me

i have some questions regarding this kid’s mom

well you know i can see why this kid feels this way about his mom

it does look like she ran off...

al and scar dream team up

HEY ED!!! HEY WINRY!!!

bout time

yall gonna have this talk now????

barry STOPPPPPP

brotherhood barry is the true king there i said it

damn scar you baddie

barry like....you already knew him

anyway

WHAT THE HELL

NO RICKKK!!!!!!

someone save this boy!!!!

oh good his mom “saved” him

ah damn thats pretty tragic

she didnt know they were right in front of her

ow

well my questions were answered

so she attacks with grape fanta. thats one way to do it

ed looks like such an angry gremlin right now this is a heartwarming moment sir please

why are ed and scar being so civil right now this is so weird

bye scar

we’ll see him again

see you later scar

episode 25: words of farewell

maes who let you buy that awful pink suit 

gracia please it better not have been you

mustang ew please

dont open the door lookin like that

what the hell are you doing in here 

so hughes WASNT in ishval here?

i think that takes a lot away from his character but anyway

bradley hangs around like a creep at every possible instant

why would bradley care about ishvalan refugees like hughes cmon

“unspeakable crimes” BRADLEY YOU LITERALLY CANNOT TALK

juliet douglas is this lady’s name

only took me 1000 episodes to figure that out

ED AND AL??? NOT DEALING WITH DANGEROUS THINGS??????? dont make me laugh assholes theyre lying thru their teeth

izumi time lets go

wow we’re still going to rush valley? wasnt really expecting that tbh

elicia i LOVE you!!!!!

ew kimblee “hi”

how did he lightning himself like that

if i were ishvalan i would not go to the south....yet ANOTHER war torn region of amestris but ok

okay

an amestrian desert biker gang rolled up to wreak havoc

HUGHES AHAHAHA 

tbh i wouldnt want to tell roy anything either stupid bitch

anyway

um why do i feel like its hughes’ death episode

he would not be shown tucking elicia in to bed otherwise 

please im not ready to be hurt again

oh no

yeah he just learned something about our girl juliet

ive been waiting for this information 

he’s gonna die before we learn anything helpful

yupppppp

hey lust figured you’d show up sooner or later

i too wish i could look that sexy pulling a kunai out of my forehead

SLOTH????????

did girly just say SLOTH

i- nothing about her seems particularly slothy but ok

u know what!!!!!!!!!!!!

ENVY HEYYY

DUMBASS ROY JUST HAAAAAD TO LEAVE

haha famous last words

oof it hurts every time

not the FUNERAL scene no!

time for me to go 

peace out homies im dead inside

yes my brigadier general 

NOT THE RAIN

COME ONNNNNN

hughes is sneezing six feet under

was ed supposed to be looking at hughes’ ghost

um....right

[depressed-sock]

Monster of the Week 2

one

Words: 3k

This work is entirely a self-indulgent throw a bunch of Oc’s at the TMA world and see what happens lmao

Tw: threatening of bodily harm

sections 2 and 5: stranger fear, harassment of a colleague, purposefully using the wrong name, mention of intent to gaslight, it/it's pronouns used

section 3: flesh fear, not actively descriptive but it deals with meat if you want to skip it.

Click. 1

“Investigation of Why the Archive never stays organized, brought to the Archives attention by me for the last thirty years." She stresses the words, trying to make her frustration clear to everyone who can hear her in the room. "Investigation begins on July 9th, 2014, and is being investigated by archival assistant Olivia Stanek.”

"So, first things first." She pauses, taking in a deep breath as her hands stay firmly clasped together before she finally releases her pent up anger with a quick movement. Standing up sharply and banging her hands on the desk. "What do you people not understand when I say to put things back where you found them!"

She turns with a barely held back growl, glaring at the now suspiciously empty room around her. "You fucking little cunts, I will find you and I will get you to leave my organization system alone!"

Click. 2

"Did you try turning it off and on again?" The man next to them sighs heavily, his shoulders already taking on a stiffness of agitation.

"Yes, Rupert. That was literally the first thing I did." Corwin glares at the blonde man who now decides to lean against their desk. His face forced into a quiet contemplating frown as he stares at the static-filled screen of their computer.

"My name is Rick, and did you click any suspicious links?" He glances at them, missing their glare that's turned into the perfectly innocent look of boredom.

"Do I look that stupid Rupert? Really?" They cross their arms over their chest defiantly, watching carefully as the man's frown twitches into a barely held back snarl.

He's already breaking down and the day has barely started. An accomplishment that's taken only a few weeks of patience and maybe Corwin is a little too proud of that.

"Rick. My name is Rick. And," he sucks in a deep breath before blowing it back out, "You know what, move I need to check the cable from the computer to the screen." He pushes their chair back without their consent, kneeling down under the desk to look for the cable.

The cable that they had purposefully cut with scissors earlier. After they unplugged it of course. They're not that stupid.

"Why is this cut?" He brings half of the cable out, holding it up for them to see while he tries his best to glare them down.

An attempt that feels more like dealing with an upset child. So they treat him exactly like one. "If I knew that, why would I have called you?"

"You!” He bites back the rest of his reply. Taking a moment before he finally grits out, “Just use a different computer until I find a replacement cable!" He stands up fast and awkwardly, knee slamming into the desk and forcing out a string of curses before he finally storms out of the room in anger.

"You got it, Rupert!"

The scream of rage that follows is a lot more satisfying than they'd thought it would be. Maybe they should go out into the world and do this more often. Maybe it's their true calling.

"Was that the doppelganger thing? I figured it would have quit by now." Olivia walks up from behind them, coming to a stop beside them as she tries her best to force her greying hair up into a messy bun. "Or at the very least murdered you next."

"Yeah, I think we need to start upping our tactics." They stare at the doorway he had left through an evil grin slipping free, "I say we gaslight it next."

She gives them a look of disgust, "Corwin really?"

They shrug in response, "It's not my fault it decided to kill and replace the I.T guy. Or that it's choosing to suffer by continuing to work here."

"Speaking of suffering. Where's the statement you were investigating in California?" She leans just a bit closer to them, her hand gripping the edge of their desk. While her eyes take in every aspect of their existence.

"I don't know. I put it back after I was done writing down the details I needed." Which is most of the truth. They put it back. Then Jordan took it back out and then they lost it in California because neither of them wanted to go back to the campsite.

Corwin's not going to tell her that. At least not yet. Maybe when Jordan pisses them off at some point but right now they'll wait to throw him under the bus.

Even if she's towering menacingly ever closer over them, her voice a whisper of threats, "If I find out that's a lie, I will personally hunt you down and skin you for the Stranger."

"Right, you do that. It's been great chatting with you Liv, now if you don't mind I'm trying to make the doppelganger’s life a living hell."

Click. 3

"Imani! Do you know where the werewolf files got put?" Jordan's voice echoes through the room of filing cabinets. Well, she thinks room, but it almost feels like an endless warehouse at times. Like now for example. She's pretty sure she's somehow gotten lost even though she's exactly where she needs to be.

"Um, I think it's somewhere near me?" She responds a bit more quietly but nonetheless heard; the room already echoing with her voice. It's what she likes about this particular room, no matter how loud or quiet she tried to be if someone else was in the room they'd hear her. "Let's see, nightmares about trees, mutated frogs, hmmm oh is this…. WHAT THE HELL."

She barely has enough time to cover her mouth and nose with her sleeve, backing away but still not fully able to escape the smell that layers itself against her tongue.

"Imani?"

She gags, backing up further away. Taking a second before she feels safe enough to speak muffled words, "Why is there a filing cabinet that's filled with rotting meat? This is… oh gods this is disgusting."

"....Oh um, I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be in Artifact storage. One second, let me go get someone to come collect it."

Her brow furrows as she stares at the cabinet, confusion becoming more and more prominent, "What? Why is there supposed to be a filing cabinet full of meat in Artifact storage?"

"Good question! I have zero answers." Is all she gets out of him before she hears the door shutting behind him. How did he even find the door that fast? She’s never been able to find the door that fast in the last few months she's worked here.

When she had applied for the job she had thought she had known what to expect. Creepy things, supernatural things. Gwen had given her a full rundown of the fears and the possibility of not being able to quit. She knew what to expect.

But knowing and experiencing are apparently two different things. And she's pretty sure nothing could have really prepared her for… this.

Click. 4

“I’m thinking we need more empathy in the Archives,” Gwendolyn says, as she adjusts her glasses, though it seems to do nothing to help as she continues to squint at the paper in front of her.

Oliva feels her face crawling into a snarl in response. Her fingers gripping into the edge of Gwendolyn’s desk she leans against. “Which one of those little fucks complained about me?” She would be sure to personally show whoever it was, exactly how empathetic she couldn’t be.

Gwendolyn turns her squinting from the page straight up to her with a look of amusement followed by an exasperated sigh, “Love, is there something I should be aware of if you think someone's complaining about you?"

Olivia glares down at her before a smile splits her lips and she lets out a bark of laughter, "Would I really need to tell you that bright eyes?"

Gwen's laugh is light, her eyes taking on a brighter sheen before fading to a dull grey, "No, I guess not. But I’m talking about empathy in general. Corwin seems more intent on harassing I.T than ever before, Jordan has begun to withdraw from people, Imani is starting a bad habit of asking questions she shouldn't, and you continue to be you.” The last part of her complaint dulled as she pries one of Olivia’s hands free from her desk, pressing a soft kiss against her knuckles.

“I don’t see how this is a problem?" She shrugs, not bothering to free her hand. "Everyone in the Institute is some kind of fucked up. So Jordan’s a little more untrusting of everyone and Imani is overly curious, she certainly wouldn't be here if there was no attachment to the beholding. It’s all problems that will eventually resolve itself.”

“I see you didn’t mention Corwin or yourself in that.” Gwen let’s go of her hand to set her glasses down. Quickly trying to rub the tiredness from her eyes.

“You love me just the way I am," she leans forward planting a soft kiss on Gwendolyn’s wrinkled brow, "and Corwin is trying to deal with our doppelganger issue.”

She grins widely in response, “I wouldn't have it any other way Love." Before her grin turns into a soft frown, "So, it was one of the poor lads in I.T? Which one?”

“Gwen, you already know who. And do you really expect me to ever show an interest in learning anyone’s name or Identity here?” She doesn’t bother to add on the last of her thoughts; considering how often people die. Too often to really get attached anymore.

“As much as I love you all thinking I’m all knowing I truly am not. Honestly though, I don’t think anyone here really has bothered with that. The poor thing chose very poorly in any case. Not much fear to be fed on when everyone is either already a stranger or you just have a deep-seated hatred for everyone and everything here. Not to mention, every single member here has been estranged from anyone they could call family.”

She narrows her eyes at that, “You know I’ve always wondered about that.”

“What? Do you really think any sane person with love and support would ever continue to work here? Let alone apply for a job here?”

"What does that make us then?" She leans forward, arms resting on Gwendolyn’s shoulders as their foreheads touch together.

"Two old women who are deeply in love with each other and bringing terror wherever we go."

"You always do know how to sweet talk me. But I'm still going to strangle the first person who doesn't put a statement back correctly."

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

Click. 5

"Alright, I've got your computer back in working order." The man claps his hands together, a look of accomplishment on his face.

A look that is quickly wiped away by Corwin’s own smile, "Great, but uh, something seems to be wrong with Olivia's computer now. Not sure what but it's stuck on this video and I can't seem to get it off."

"Why were you using Ms. Stanek's computer?" The man asks carefully. Lines of frustration already wrinkling around his eyes.

"Because you told me to use a different computer? Seriously are you always this forgetful Ralph?" They tut half heartedly with a shake of their head.

"What I meant by a different computer, was one of the dozens we have that no one else uses. NOT Ms. Stanek's.” They can almost see a static around him. A form that’s too long, too strange takes up the dark fuzzy spaces around him. It probably doesn’t even realize how badly it’s giving itself away.

"Well, I guess you should have been clearer then. Either way doesn't change the fact that the screen is still stuck on that video."

“I can’t believe this, why are you doing this?! I thought we were friends, Corwin!” He finally breaks, words echoing in slightly different tones against the emptiness of the room. They can’t help the sharp grin as it finally asks exactly the question Corwin has been waiting for. They stand from their chair, immediately crowding it’s space.

“See the thing is Ralph,” they lean in close, “I don’t have friends. So you being my friend is incredibly suspicious. So suspicious that I may have to do something about it. And I’m sure you don’t want that, do you Ralph?”

It tries not to look intermediated by their smaller stature but fails as their eyes take on a dangerous hue. It’s voice comes out weakly, now a pale imitation of what it was, "my name’s rick..."

“No. It’s not.” They know. They see.

It’s beginning to shake. Fear overriding its previous anger. Until finally it turns, fleeing the room. Not bothering to try and rebuttal them. A disappointing outcome to say the least. They had at thought it’d try to murder them. It’s why they didn’t point out the real reason they knew he wasn’t Rick.

It would have been funnier though if they had. They can already imagine what would happen. Watching the dawning realization on its face and it immediately looking down at his ID to find a man who looks vastly different than it. After all, everyone's ID photo on their work badges are all polaroids that have been laminated on.

Too many missteps from previous generations that made it necessary. At least it’ll make it easier to know if the doppelganger decides to switch to someone else in the Archives.

They wonder if it'll finally leave now.

Something in the back of their mind tells them it’s far too late for that.

Click. 6

"Jordan! Don't you dare run away from me you fucking little-"

"Olivia?" his footsteps slow and he turns back to face her with a furrowed brow, "I'm not running from you? We've got a loose artifact in the filing room."

"Don’t you dare start making up excuses!" She's still storming towards him, face scrunched in anger.

He should probably be afraid. Olivia on rampage mode always meant that someone was at the very least going to be severely injured. Mostly because some idiot didn’t take her threats seriously even though it’s been proven time and time again that her threats are 100% serious. But he's got far greater fears than anything she could ever do to him.

"I'm serious Oliva. Imani found the meat cabinet there." He holds up his hands in surrender but it does nothing to placate her.

"AND YOU JUST LEFT HER THERE!"

"Yeah? It's just the meat cabinet. At most it'll make her sick for a couple of days and then she'll be fine." They’ve all had to deal with a rogue artifact at one point or another. It was the archives own official... hazing? No, it’s not so much a hazing as it was just something that happened too often and the newbies didn’t know better yet.

"I can't believe this, you just abandoned your co-worker to an Artifact!"

"Olivia you've literally done the same thing to all of us. Live by example maybe?" He’s also pretty sure she’s killed people so he doesn’t really understand where this is coming from.

She stares at him for a long moment before her body immediately relaxes as if she’d never experienced anger a single day in her life. "Eh, who am I kidding, I honestly don't give a shit if you've let your paranoia get the best of you. Anyway, did storage move it there? Or did it decide to do that itself?"

"I'm not paranoid," he bites back. And what does paranoia have to do with leaving Imani there? She can handle herself, she doesn't need help. "I haven't gotten to Artifact storage yet to find out."

"Right well you get that sorted, I'll go grab Imani out of there before we have to hire janitors." She pauses turning back with a glare, "By the way do you know what happened to the California statement you were helping Corwin with?" Her voice takes on it’s previous edge, eyes tightening in anger.

"No." He definitely does not know exactly what happened to it. It could have caught fire, or could be buried, or ripped to shreds. He doesn’t even know if it’s still anywhere near that makeshift campsite.

"I'm watching you, little man."

“Yep, bye Oliva.”

Click. 7

(The sound of the air conditioning kicking on fills the room, accompanied by the sound of a man cursing under his breath.)

"Ah there you are-”

(The man lets out a barely held back scream, and something flatters to the floor.)

“Oh calm down, your name is Rick, correct?"

"Uhm...Yes, Ms. Gwen."

"Fantastic, I've been looking for you. Unfortunately, there seems to have been an issue with your work contract and you're now being transferred to the Archives."

"What! But. NO, I quit, I'm not going back down there with those demons."

"Oh dear. You can't quit. And I think you'll fit in just fine if you think them monsters of your equal."

"I-"

"No, hush now. If you kill any more of my employees, I'll have to let Corwin deal with you exactly how they wanted to and believe me. That young person is incredibly creative when it comes to killing your kind."

"..."

"So. Pack your things, and I'll get your contract sorted. Don't try to run, because" (a harsh bark of laughter fills the room.)

"We'll find you."

(The man curses a bit more under his breath before heavy steps lead out of the room and fade away. The woman gives out an exhausted sigh.)

“I see you’ve started recording again. Preparing for an Archivist who’ll never exist? Or are you preparing for one that’s coming to visit?”

…

“I guess it doesn’t matter because we both know the answer to that don’t we.”

Click.

[eldritchsurveys]

428.

Do you get excited when you learn you have to dress up? >> I guess, yeah. I wear pretty much the same few things all the time, so it’s refreshing to be able to wear something different. But it can also be stressful because of, you know, dysphoria and shit. What brand of hair spray do you use? >> --- Do you like it when guys wear hats? >> I really have no opinion. Burger King, McDonalds or Wendys? >> I usually go for McDonald’s because their cheeseburgers are the neatest of the three, and they only put mustard and pickles on them. The Wendy’s restaurants around here make the sloppiest cheeseburgers, just too much mayo and ketchup everywhere, and the Burger Kings are just not as good either. Would you rather visit California or Flordia? >> It’s a real tossup. I think there’s something incredibly surreal about Florida as a whole and I really want to find out if that’s true, but I also think California could be fun to visit.

What’s your ideal first date? >> --- If you type for awhile, do your fingers start to hurt? >> Not at all. I guess because I’ve been typing since I was a child, so my fingers regard it as a natural thing to do (as opposed to a stressful thing). What do you smell right now? >> Pizza, because I haven’t put the pizza box in the fridge yet. Chinese or mexican food? >> Mexican. Can you play the drums? >> No. Are you the type of person who would study for a test for hours? >> I really am not. I have no patience or diligence for that kind of thing. All this Air in my chart really fucked me over when it comes to that, lmao. Are you a lazy person? >> No. I’m a person who sometimes has poor executive function, and a person who sometimes struggles to internalise the importance of doing certain unsavoury or boring things, and a person who has sensory difficulties that sometimes border on the neurotic. People who regard those facts as excuses will definitely try to label me “lazy”, but I refuse to insult myself because of the way I’m wired. I do my best with what I have. If you were an animal, what animal would you be? >> I mean, the canon answer is “a spider”. If you were an instrument, what would you be? >> A pipe organ. Do you hate when you’re in a good mood and one person ruins your mood? >> I don’t think of things like that. No one’s responsible for maintaining my mood but me. If I let someone else “ruin” my good mood, then that’s my problem. Are there any movies coming out that you’d like to see? >> I’m probably going to go see that Joker movie when it comes out. Because I’m in love with Joaquin Phoenix, or whatever. Shut up. Where do you buy your underwear? >> Whatever big-box store happens to have it in stock. Do you watch the show Switched at Birth? >> No. Do you hate the usual 100 questions surveys? EX: Eye color >> Sometimes. What’s worse: Rude people, two-faced people or fake people? >> I have a harder time dealing with someone who is being insincere than I do someone who is just rude.  Does your house have a doorbell? >> There’s a buzzer for this apartment. Do you know someone who has dropped out of high school? >> I used to. I don’t think anyone I currently know is a high school dropout. Can you juggle? >> No. Do you think you could run 3 miles right now? >> I can’t run 500 feet, dude. What color was the shirt you wore today before changing? >> I just wore a black undershirt, like usual. Does it freak you out when random people wave to you in public? >> I mean, that... doesn’t happen. Can you do the dougie? >> No. If you were to get a pet turtle right now, what would you name it? >> --- What’s your most hated commercial to watch? >> All of them, really. Can you do a handstand? >> No. What was the last thing you charged? >> My phone. Google Play Services had some kind of update within the last month that made it a complete and absolute battery hog, so now my phone constantly needs to be charged. I hope they fix it soon. Without looking, what time do you think it is? >> Quarter to seven. *looks* Oh, actually it’s quarter after seven. I tried. Favorite album? >> --- How many people named Josh do you know? >> No one, now. When you were younger, did you believe you could fly? >> No. Favorite farm animal? >> --- Have you ever been to a spa? >> Yeah. Has your Facebook ever been hacked? >> No. On a scale 1-10 how relaxed are you right now? >> I don’t know. I’m relaxed enough. Do you spell gray with an A or an E? >> An E, unless I’m talking about Dorian. What’s your favorite name that begins with B? >> --- How many of your friends on here are online? >> I don’t know. If your son said he was gay, how would you react? >> I literally don’t care what sexuality someone is, and anyone raised anywhere in my vicinity would know that. Apple cider or hot chocolate? >> Apple cider, 100%. If someone payed you $500 would you take a bath in milk? >> I doubt it. How many people have ever said you’re perfect? >> I don’t know, I wouldn’t remember shit like that because it’s so unrealistic that I assume it means nothing. Twitter, Tumblr or Facebook? >> Tumblr is the only site of the three that I still use. Do you enjoy having time to yourself? >> Absolutely. Can you do a cart wheel? >> Yeah. How many apps do you have on your phone/iPod? >> Way too fucking many, because there are a lot of baked-in apps that I just can’t delete. :| Do you like Ed Sheeran? >> No. Can you do ballet? >> No. When you were a teenager, did you used to say “I hate this house!”? >> I don’t recall ever saying that. Would you rather become an author or teacher? >> An author. Are you ever jealous of your best friend? >> --- How many people are you currently texting? >> Zero. Anything exciting coming up? >> Not in the very near future. What numbers does your password on here have? >> --- This time tomorrow, what will you be doing? >> I should be at Cafe Boba. Would you rather get money or gift cards for your birthday? >> Either is fine. Have you ever been inside a recording studio? >> Yeah. Would you rather visit Mars or Neptune? >> Er... I mean, whichever one is most feasible to visit, which I assume would be Mars. I don’t think we even know how to make suits to withstand the environmental conditions of a planet that far away from the Sun... (do we?) Do you have Instagram? >> No. Does it bother you when people keep talking to you and you want to leave? >> Yeah, but nine times out of ten I just... make my exit. Have you ever texted a landline phone by accident? >> No. Does that even work? Have you ever spoken to a detective before? >> No. Do you like quotes about love or life better? >> Er... Do you have any quotes on your bedroom walls? >> No. What color is your garage? >> I don’t know, actually. I don’t think it’s painted on the inside. Have you ever played laser tag? >> No. Have you ever been to Cedar Point? >> No. How are your grades this year? >> --- Do you think you have a good singing voice? >> Sure. Do you like it when people give you compliments? >> I mean, sure. But it’s not necessary or anything. Do you crack under pressure? >> Not usually. Was your hair straight today? >> It never is. Do you believe in ghosts? >> No. Do you ever share things on Facebook? >> --- Do you pick out your outfits for the next day the night before or the AM? >> Considering how compact my wardrobe is, it’s really not difficult for me to just grab some clothes in the moment. I don’t have to plan my outfits or anything. Do you wear earrings? >> Yeah. Do you think Hershey chocolate is the best? >> No. What do you have first period? >> --- Do people depend on you too much? >> No. Have you ever been in love? >> Jury’s still out on that. I’m going to go with “probably not”. Do you hate being sad? >> Yeah, it’s not great. I get impatient with myself when I’m sad. But on the flip side, I get to be coddled by Can Calah for a while, so it’s not all bad. Is anyone you’re close to in the hospital right now? >> No. Do you have any cuts on you right now? >> No. Do you like Steve Carell? >> I have no opinion on him. Is your wifi protected? >> Yeah. What did you have for lunch today? >> I only had two meals today. How often do people write on your Facebook wall? >> --- Does your phone have a cover on it? >> Yeah, just a black rubber case. What color was your swim suit this year? >> --- How many bedroom does your house have? >> Two. Would you go swimming if it was 65 degrees out? >> I don’t go swimming, period. Favorite flavor of popsicle? >> --- Do ladders scare you? >> Not usually. Would you ever lie about your past? >> I can’t imagine why I would want to, but who knows. Hot dogs or hamburgers? >> Hamburgers. Do you have any pictures of you and your friends in your bedroom? >> No. 

[anais-mitchell]

Philip Tour 12/29/18 Evening, Ft. Lauderdale

This show was so incredible. We were seated in the very back row of orchestra left, but the Broward theater really isn’t that big so we had a good view. Not really close enough to see faces but still decent. I’ll put this under a read more because it will probably get long!

Angelica Tour Review

Alexander Hamilton: Very good! It’s been said to death but the choreography is just so cool. I’ve heard criticisms of Nik for looking proud when saying “I’m the damn fool that shot him” but either he toned it down or I was too far away to see clearly.

Aaron Burr, Sir: Nik and Joseph just are such a good Burr and Hamilton together. I’m not sure if this is always the case but they were chatting while the squad introductions were going on rather than watching. Nik looked very offended by “what’ll you fall for?”

My Shot: LOVED Joseph here. He had so much energy and you could really feel that he was inspiring the guys and was so excited to finally share all his ideas and goals. Nik was very funny in his little bit, but Fergie had me CRACKING UP with his coat flourish; he like put his leg up on the table on pointe and it was ridiculously funny. King definitely showed Laurens’s shit stirring angry nature with the rise up bit, and Joseph had such a great buildup from Hamilton’s quiet self doubt to being emboldened by his ideals and new friends.

The Story of Tonight: This really revived the Lams shipper in me not gonna lie it was Gay. At one point they were like staring into each others eyes and Lafayette and Mulligan had to physically pull them apart and Kyle was like “eyes over here” with his fingers, definitely calling them out for checking each other out lol. They also were very touchy-feely walking off together. Anyways their voices were excellent and you could feel the camaraderie very well.

The Schuyler Sisters: YESS so much fun. Nyla was sufficiently sassy and Jen definitely reminded me of Solea with her excitedness and expressiveness. Her voice is just so clear and pretty I’m in love? Ta’Rea was also so over it with Burr and really went for it on her bit.

Farmer Refuted: Joseph is so tiny and angry it made me laugh. At “my dog speaks more eloquently than thee” King and Fergie (I think? Two of the Sons of Liberty) like got on each other’s back and mimicked dogs humping or something it was sooo funny. Also this confirms my theory that Eliza is definitely in character watching Alexander in the wings, she looked so entertained and giggled a little when she was pulled away by Angelica.

You’ll Be Back: Jon Patrick Walker is a pretty funny king.

Right Hand Man: This number is genuinely really underrated the ensemble choreography is so fucking cool. Marcus definitely commands the stage as Washington and really conveyed his frustration. Joseph and Marcus played off each other very well, Hamilton was definitely very inspired and reverential of Washington. Nik was all ruffled after being sent off by Washington.

A Winter’s Ball: Nik was super pissed at the beginning and very “wtf how does this guy do it,” which was kinda his attitude towards Hamilton the whole show. Laurens and Hamilton were also hanging off each other a ton at the start of this number.

Helpless: Okay so this was a definite highlight of the show!! Jen freaking killed it I was so so impressed. She had such a huge crush it was adorable, she was basically gushing to the audience and Angelica. She looked genuinely shocked when Hamilton looked back at her and like she had butterflies as he was walking over. Nyla did a super cute “look I have your letter!” dance on “one week later..” and both Joseph and Jen had the cutest victory dances. But ugh Hamilton’s bit KILLED me Eliza was so excited to spend her life with this dork and he cupped her face on “but I’ll never forget my mother’s face that was real..” Their Hamliza just had no concept of personal space they were so close together and intimate. Her riffs were also 10/10 I can’t stress enough how pretty her voice is. He was cupping her face again after the wedding kiss and they just looked so in love and happy my heart could not take it their chemistry was insane.

Satisfied: Lmao King played Laurens as so drunk for the intro. Ta’Rea did a very good job, her conflict between her feelings for Hamilton and love for Eliza was expressed well. Her bridge was really sad and she almost sounded on the verge of tears, she also had some very good riffs on the end. I thought she was good but didn’t really do much to make it her own. I wish I had more to say but it was a pretty standard Satisfied imo.

The Story of Tonight- Reprise: Silly and fun all around for the first bit. Joseph and Nik genuinely seemed to be friends in this song, Nik’s “to be sure” was pretty heartfelt. Fergie twerked on Nik which was as perfect as it sounds.

Wait For It: I was surprised by how much I liked this. It was an interesting paradox between how Burr was singing about self restraint and waiting for it but was also really letting himself go and be taken by his passion. I wasn’t totally sold on his Burr at first but I thought this was so strong, there was a definite moment at the end where he kind realized how he had let his passion overtake him and straightened his jacket and settled back into his calm, collected demeanor. This is a super hard song to pull of convincingly and I was impressed.

Stay Alive: Quality all around. Marcus and Joseph continued to play off each other very well and Joseph seemed so pissed that he couldn’t fight Lee.

Ten Duel Commandments: Oh my god Burr was SO OVER IT it was really funny. He directed “you have him turn around so he can have deniability” straight to the doctor as in “dude, turn the fuck around!”

Meet Me Inside: I’m pretty sure Joseph accidentally said “Joe, we won!” instead of “Go, we won!” for some reason lol. He was very petulant with Washington and his “call me son one more time!” was so pissed.

That Would Be Enough: Heart eyes heart eyes heart eyes. Joseph was so full of wonder and amazement when her first saw Eliza’s pregnancy. Like I said, no concept of personal space between these two and it was perfect. I feel like Jen’s Eliza was less begging him to stay and more confident that he would; kinda as if she was just reminding him of their love which made “I’m not afraid, I know who I married” more poignant. They were extremely soft as the lights went down with him touching her belly and kissing her hand.

Guns and Ships: I hate talking negative because it really was a great show but this was a letdown. Kyle’s French accent is poor and when you combine that with how deep and thick his voice is the quick paced rapping was just not working for anyone in my party, especially after seeing Chris Lee in Atlanta. The Hamliza goodbye was very sweet and sad though. Jen was not happy for him to be leaving.

History Has Its Eyes on You: Marcus really brought it, you could tell he was haunted by his past and that Joseph really understood the gravity of what he was saying. These are also some of my favorite ensemble harmonies of the show.

Yorktown: Seriously fuck Florida audiences for the dead silence after “Immigrants, we get the job done.” It was so awkward. But this number is always incredible and this was no exception, Joseph fully inhabited Hamilton’s emotions and drive to win. Fergie’s rap was so energetic and perfect. While Marcus didn’t hit “not yet” as powerfully as Carvens, it was still very good.

What Comes Next?: The stamping on “I’m so blue” is always funny.

Dear Theodosia: Lovely. They sang together very well and were super optimistic and proud.

Laurens Interlude: Again the Lams was really emphasized. Joseph knew by “it’s from his father” and you could just see his grief. The look between them was very emotional, as was “I have so much work to do.”

Non-Stop: This song is totally driven by the Hamilton-Burr interactions and Joseph and Nik did it excellently. You really started to see Joseph’s ambition and confidence increase throughout the song and Nik continued his “wtf” reaction to everything Joseph did. Also, my new favorite moment in the show with both Nicholas Christopher and Nik Walker is “he’s just non-stop”; while Christopher was like fake smiling through gritted teeth, Walker was just so exasperated and basically saying to the audience “the fuck is he on about?” Both equally hilarious. You could definitely see Eliza starting to lose some faith in Hamilton at “would that be enough?” and she was super pissed in “Alexander” and “isn’t this enough?” They all really set up the Act 2 conflicts well in this song.

What’d I Miss?: Right away I preferred Kyle’s Jefferson to his Lafayette, although it still wasn’t anywhere near Chris Lee’s (but few are to be fair.) My dad thought he was late on some of his lines but I didn’t pick up on it. I don’t remember that many details but he was funny.

Cabinet Battle #1: Kyle was shamelessly high fiving and shaking hands with all the ensemble members before it started lol. His mic drop to Fergie got a lot of laughs. Joseph went really hard on his verse especially the slavery bit, and when he went after Madison he started having a coughing fit and Jefferson was slamming on his back to get it out which was hilarious. Their exit off the stage was so silly and funny too. Also Joseph is so much shorter than Kyle it is ridiculous. Bonus note, watching Burr’s reactions to the argument in the left balcony is almost as entertaining as the argument itself.

Take A Break: ELIZA LOVES PHILIP SO MUCH MY HEART COULDN’T TAKE IT. Her beatboxing was so “proud mama” and King had an adorable Philip rap. I really liked Ta’Rea and Joseph’s delivery of “my dearest, Angelica.” Jen’s Eliza was SO EXCITED to see her sister!! And the end just broke my heart because throughout the whole song Eliza seemed so confident that he would come with them and she was really sad when he didn’t. Jen’s journey as Eliza really had to do a lot with her gradual loss of faith in her husband and it was super heartbreaking.

Say No to This: Nyla played a very sympathetic Maria, you definitely got the vibe that she was being pimped out and wasn’t lying about “beating me, cheating me, mistreating me.” Joseph was so angry at her but eventually gave in and had some pretty intense “yes” moans lmao. Nyla slayed the high note too. 

The Room Where it Happens: By this point you could tell Joseph’s confidence was at a point where he really felt Burr was beneath him and somehow Burr was so confused as to how this had happened. Nik really put on a show in this number and his big revelation moment was electrifying. (Side not, I never understand why this moment gets laughs??) He tore up the stage towards the end and really hammered home the shift in Burr’s character. I said this was the highlight of my Atlanta show by far, and while it wasn’t the same level here, it still was amazing.

Schuyler Defeated: Nik was super self satisfied here and all “who’s better than who NOW hmm?”

Cabinet Battle #2: Good all around. I thought Joseph was really funny.

Washington on Your Side: The way Burr came out was so freaking funny, he had this goofy smile on and was doing this stupid little dance like “ooh yes lets bond over hating Hamilton.” They were all very intent on taking him down and conniving.

One Last Time: Y’ALL THIS WAS EXCELLENTT. I loved the way Joseph played off of Marcus but this number was all Marcus. He was so ready to rest while also trying to secure his legacy and his voice was incredible in the end. 

I Know Him: Definitely the funniest King song of the night. His “WHAT” and “I KNOW HIM!!!” were hilarious.

The Adams Administration: BURR WAS DANCING WITH THE KING AT THE BEGINNING IN SUCH A SILLY PETTY WAY IT WAS SO GOOD. Joseph was just straight up pissed at Adams and his whole attitude was very “fuck it.”

We Know: Yeah Joseph panicked a lot and was very defensive. I think he was also really shocked that Burr had allied with Jefferson and Madison. Eliza and Philip in the balcony was a sad touch.

Hurricane: Ugh incredible. The lighting and choreography of this number >>>>. Joseph still seemed overly confident that he was making the right decision and he totally delivered on the intense emotions. 

The Reynolds Pamphlet: As soon as the bass dropped you could see Eliza pull out a paper in the balcony and walk off. All the different reactions were super well done. Philip looked so upset and he first ran off after “his own house? Damn,” but at the mention of “our children” he turned back and had this heartbroken look and then ran off again. Jefferson and the king were having the time of their lives lol, and Washington looked very disappointed. Ta’Rea barely even let him touch her before she pulled away. She was so angry and sad at the same time. There was an interesting touch I’d never seen before where Joseph tried to put his hands like around her waist after “God, I hope you’re satisfied” and she shoved him away.

Burn: I feel like people get so caught up in Eliza’s anger that they forget how sad this song really is. She started off just devastated and totally at rock bottom, in utter disbelief with all her faith in her husband gone. Her “you, you, you” was just totally heart wrenching and then she had that moment of clarity where her emotions totally shifted to anger. Her burn notes weren’t as strong as they could have been but she totally made up with the emotion. The best part was the ending though, she was so icy on “I hope that you burn,” but then you saw her anger melt away and she was just left with that total sadness again. Jen was so so so good and I’m in love with her voice.

Blow Us All Away: Philip definitely inherited his unearned confidence from his father. Joseph seemed like he didn’t take it seriously enough and kinda just trusted it would all blow over. At the duel itself, King played Philip as more confident than nervous.

Stay Alive- Reprise: UGHH everyone brought it so hard here. Joseph was so utterly panicked and upset running into the doctor, the doctor was basically holding him back and he just sprinted to Philip. King very much played Philip as actively dying, he was sobbing and choking out words which I like so much more than “Philip is brave and pushing through it!!” because the kid is DYING he should be upset and terrified that this happened. Jen was in so much shock but she went for it so hard with the scream my heart shattered. You could see Joseph’s world just crash down around him as Eliza ripped her hand away and he realized all he’d lost.

It’s Quiet Uptown: @picquery did a much better job explaining Joseph in this song than I ever could, but he was really good. I wish I had been closer to see his faces better, but you could just see that his whole world and self concept had been completely demolished. This is where Joseph’s emphasis on Hamilton’s confidence up until this point and Jen’s emphasis of Eliza’s decreasing faith in Hamilton intersected beautifully. Hamilton really realized how wrong he had been in everything and how he really didn’t deserve Eliza but wanted her so badly. Watching Jen’s attempt to hold onto her anger but slowly letting it fade away as she fell back in love with Hamilton was so emotional. When she took his hand, they just stared at each other for so long; Joseph was just reveling in her forgiveness that he knew he didn’t deserve and Jen was just allowing herself to feel his love again. This is where their total lack of personal space came back and they were just so close together, they didn’t break eye contact until they left the stage and it was just transcendent.

The Election of 1800: God what a transition lol. Nik played it as if he was disappointed that Hamilton wasn’t initially warm to him rather than jumping right in with the cheesiness. Still, he looked very confident that Hamilton would endorse him and vice versa for Jefferson. Joseph was definitely itching to get back into politics which was very frustrating to see after It’s Quiet Uptown. I thought the ending between Jefferson and Burr was very funny, probably my fave Kyle moment of the show.

Your Obedient Servant: Nik was so shocked at the results of the election; it was almost like he had shown dominance or something over Hamilton in Act 2 and that would make Hamilton respect him when the opposite was true. He was very angry while Hamilton was more self righteous and unapologetic.

Best of Wives, Best of Women: Cute :((

The World Was Wide Enough: You could definitely feel that Nik didn’t want it to come to this but was gritting his teeth and doing it. Joseph’s monologue was definitely my favorite part of his performance, the choreography mirroring My Shot is so poignant and he conveyed this whole feeling of he had finally matured and realized what mattered and just wanted more time with Eliza. “Eliza, my love..” made me cry. Still my favorite moment in the whole show. Nik’s regret was super powerful.

Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story: Jen carried this so well. Her Eliza was so strong and desperate to preserve Hamilton’s legacy while also making the world a better place. “The orphanage” hit me so hard, the fact that Eliza lost her child and then helped raise hundreds more... Jen expressed this fully. Her reunion with Hamilton pulled on the heartstrings and she had the perfect gasp at the end.

Joseph Morales as Alexander Hamilton: We been knew he’s the best of the best and he was such a joy to see live. He brings so much energy and determination to Hamilton but isn’t afraid to show the uglier sides of him. Like I said, his Hamilton’s arc is really about the rise and fall of confidence and realizing what truly matters; his wife and family. He had amazing chemistry with everyone with whom he interacted but especially Jen, Nik, Marcus, and King. His singing and rapping is impeccable as well and so emotive. I was actually really surprised that my dad wasn’t as much of a fan as he was of Edred.

Jen Sese as Eliza Hamilton: Soo it’s no secret that I adore Shoba Narayan and she was the cast member I was most excited to see, so my heart did drop a little when I saw she was out. But let me say Jen Sese stole my heart!! She gave a near perfect performance as Eliza. Just for starters, she has this beautiful crystal clear almost soprano voice that just soars through the theater. I feel like she would be a killer Natasha or Cosette. I was so impressed by her Act 1 that I wasn’t sure if she’d be able to pull off the emotion of Act 2 but she absolutely did. Her Eliza’s journey was all about faith in both her husband and herself and she sold everything Eliza felt perfectly. She was the perfect Eliza to Joseph’s Hamilton, so grounded and supportive while also being firm and powerful. Her Eliza reminded me of both Solea and Shoba in the best ways. I could absolutely see her taking over this role or even either other sister after departures. I can’t say enough good things about her honestly.

Nik Walker as Aaron Burr: I was surprised by how much I liked him? Almost everyone I’ve heard review him had negative opinions but I thought his Burr was so different and engaging. Something about his Wait For It worked sooo well for me. His humor also worked for me and I loved his revelation moment in Room. I think his Burr was all about being respected and proving himself to carry on his parents’ legacy; it was very sad to see him fail to do so.

Ta’Rea Campbell as Angelica Schuyler: She did everything a good Angelica needs to do. Her bridge in Satisfied and her Reynolds Pamphlet were definitely two highlights of the show, and she had some killer riffs. I do wish she had done a bit more to make the role her own but she definitely played Angelica well.

Marcus Choi as George Washington: He gave a really excellent performance. His interactions with Joseph’s Hamilton were so good and his One Last Time almost brought me to tears, audios definitely do not do him justice because he is so much better live. He’s definitely secured his place as one of my favorite Washingtons.

Kyle Scatliffe as Lafayette/Jefferson: I don’t know if it was the fact that I saw Chris Lee (inarguably the best Laf/Jeff) in Atlanta or what, but his performance sadly did not do much for me. His French accent was Bad and he definitely lacked the rapping abilities to pull off Guns and Ships. I did like his Jefferson a bit more, he was sufficiently funny and had some really great moments such as the end of Election of 1800, but he was just not one of the highlights of the night. I think he’s much more suited to a role like Enjolras that’s more singing heavy, and he definitely had charisma as Lafayette but somehow he just feels miscast.

Fergie L. Phillipe as Mulligan/Madison: His Mulligan was perfection. He had the big booming voice of Oak but totally added some of his own flourishes and gave all the energy. I also thought his Madison was excellent and played really well off of Kyle’s Jefferson.

King David Jones as Laurens/Philip: I have really, really enjoyed what I’ve heard of Elijah’s L/P, so when I saw he was out I kinda resigned myself to a mediocre L/P performance as I have yet to see a really good L/P cover. Boy was I wrong!! King was so surprisingly good!!! His Laurens was definitely shit stirring, angry, reckless, and ready to lay down his life for what he believed in. He and Joseph were VERY strong in the Lams department which is something I definitely missed in Atlanta. Like they definitely fucked after Story of Tonight lol. I also enjoyed his Philip a lot. He oozed swagger and confidence in Blow Us All Away but his Stay Alive Reprise was SO heartbreaking because he was full on sobbing and could barely get words out. You really got the feeling of how much pain he was in and how scared he was of dying which a lot of L/P’s fail to deliver on. One of the biggest surprises of the show for me personally.

Nyla Sostre as Peggy/Maria: This is honestly a thankless role, but she did all she could with it. Her Peggy was super sassy in Schuyler Sisters and excited for Eliza in Helpless/Satisfied, and like I said, she played a very sympathetic Maria with a killer voice. She looked so betrayed and upset when reading the Reynolds Pamphlet.

And that’s that! All in all I am glad I saw the cast I did, they told the story perfectly. I didn’t stagedoor because I actually could not find it, I asked like three different ushers and they all gave me different directions and we were all so exhausted by then that we just went home. I’d be happy to answer any other questions about the show or specific actors!

[tiniechankai]

my favourite sailor moon season 1 episodes

since i’m rewatching the sailor moon series (again...) i thought i would rank all my favourite episodes from each season then compile them all together and see which episode is my absolute favourite of the entire show. considering i have no idea what my favourite episode is... maybe i’ll know now, hah. 

Episode 8 - The Girl Genius Is a Monster: The Brainwashing Cram School of Horror

so uh... as a stressed student i can relate to this a lot. the kids going into the cram school is me going into school every morning. this is definitely not my favourite episode of the season but the introduction to ami is really sweet, especially when people whisper about ami behind her back but then when usagi actually meets her, ami ends up being the sweetest girl. 

i also just love the fact that ami freaking owned everyone in that arcade on the sailor v game?? like wow feminism right there

Episode 10 - The Cursed Bus: Enter Mars, the Guardian of Fire

mars is my favourite inner senshi and she’s honestly so cool in this episode. this is probably the only episode in the entire series where she’s quite akin to her manga self, and while i love her in the anime, i think her aloof manga self is great too. it’s interesting to me to get a look into japanese culture through shinto. watching this as a kid i had no idea what was really japanese religion and such so learning about this was cool (i had like 4 sailor moon episodes and they were all the introductory episodes to the senshi). also the bus was really freaky and scary and just what the heck. rei’s reaction to jadeite is also quite funny (she basically has heart palpitations of him, and not the good kind)

Episode 17 - Usagi's a Model: The Flash of the Monster Camera

one of the few episodes that aren’t the finale that i can tell you that usagi kicks some legitimate ass in here. like what a badass! i can’t say i know the last time usagi has done this, hah. this entire episode includes everyone telling usagi she can’t be a model because she’s not a good enough person or she’s not pretty enough. i mean even mamoru is back being the asshole he is in this first season, even though he goes on about how she won’t be picked because she’s not pretty on the inside and what not (like wth dude you don’t even know her) but usagi is picked anyways (like everyone who signed up but... whatever) and then she is left alone to fight the youma and then she is to fight the monster by herself. she does so by cleverly using the mirrors. one of the saddest bits in the show is when he family is watching the tv while usagi is asleep in her room they talk about how they wish usagi was as great as the girl who saved the photographer’s life (sailor moon) but ?? do they not care about the factt that usagi was AT THAT PHOTOSHOOT?? GETTING ATTCKED?? i know they don’t know she’s sailor moon but heck she was there she might’ve been attacked. the tsukino household can be so annoying sometimes hfksdh i digress

Episode 20 - The Summer, the Beach, Youth and Ghosts

this is a genuinely hilarious episode. poor mitsuishi kotono, she spent most of the episode screaming at the ghosts lmao. i like this episode because we see the girls get up to their usual loud shenanigans (and hell i love me a beach episode). this is also a episode about a heavy topic of a girls’ father forcing herself into a duty she is too young to deal with. it gets pretty dark too and i can see why they didn’t put this into the dic dub (she literally starts CRYING and i get these sort of like... really bad rape vibes. I KNOW HE’S HER FATHER BUT IT’S SO GROSS). anyways, it’s really dark but has it’s funny moments as we focus on some other characters, it’s a really good beach ova. 

Episode 21 - Protect the Children's Dreams: Friendship Through Anime

this episode is so great, i really do love it. it might might be my favourite in the season. i just love these two friends a lot, especially hiromi as a character (the shorthaired one). hiromi deals with being jealous over her friend’s sketches in animating and it gets so bad that nephrite has to come by with his stupid self and ruin everything. anyone with low self esteem such as hiromi can relate to constantly feeling like you’re in the shadow of your colleagues, your best friend. nephrite’s episodes tend to be my favourite because we see that our actions, when we are selfish and snobby that it affects others a lot. even though i despise nephrite his episodes have become a favourite of mine. 

Episode 28 - The Painting of Love: Usagi and Mamoru Get Closer

one of the few episodes where mamoru isn’t a complete ass to usagi (i think?) and he’s actually kinda ... civil with her. he still treats her like a child but i mean she acts like one so... i like this episode a lot because you can really see the difference in usagi and mamoru with the help of this really cute artist lady yumemi. i also think it’s really funny how usagi even meets yumemi is because she’s going to call out mamoru for cheating on rei lmao. this episode is really nice just because it starts more heavily foreshadowing about mamoru and usagi’s backseat relationship.

Episode 31 - Love and Chased: Luna's Worst Day Ever

if you don’t like this episode then there’s GOT to be something wrong with you. this episode is pure crackhead goodness while we get a spoof of sailor moon’s own show with loveable luna and righteous rhett butler, luna’s love interest before we even knew artemis’ name. this episode is just pure gold and this might be my second favourite episode of the season, not gonna lie. when i saw the cat bone instead of tuxedo mask’s rose, i remember laughing so hard i couldn’t breathe. i love this show.

Episode 37 - Let's Become a Princess: Usagi's Bizarre Training

being princess hard. not my favourite episode for any particular reason other than it’s REALLY enjoyable to watch. i also just love how usagi sucks at literally everything i suck at and she is just so relateable in this episode. i also love how she’s not the only one who sucks at ballroom dancing, minako can’t dance and rei is too much of a dom to let the other guy lead. feminism!

Episode 38 - The Snow, the Mountains, Friendship and Monsters

this episode marks one of my favourites because it begins rei’s total understanding of usagi’s relationship with mamoru and this continues from this episode until SAILOR STARS (yes i know she was kinda understanding of usagi in episode 35 but she also slapped usagi so...) but this episode is full of clumsy usagi goodness and the great friendship of usagi and rei. 

Episode 43 - Usagi Abandoned: The Falling-Out of the Sailor Guardians

i love these sorts of episodes, and just like the previous one, we get even MORE usarei friendship moments and i’m LIVING for it. even the senshi think mars actually hates usagi but noooppppe she’s actually her bestie. this is a great episode.

Episode 44 - Usagi's Awakening: A Message from the Distant Past

ok so i don’t really like mamoru and usagi BUT i like serenity and endymion. this backstory episode is GREAT and i wish i had a short show based around fun at the moon kingdom because that would be great? i love sailor moon don’t get me wrong but i don’t like mamoru and usagi. cough. this episode gives off a more ethereal quality and is sucha beautiful episode animation wise. 

Episode 46 - Usagi's Eternal Wish: A Brand New Life

while the last episode was HEARTWRENCHINGLY SAD i can’t get over how sad this episode is. not even mentioning how awesome it is when the beginning of moonlight densetsu comes on when usagi pull out her moon wand. this episode rips me apart because while i dislike usagi and mamoru this dialogue just makes me so sad “Live a normal life. Find a cool boyfriend.” “Nobody’s cooler than you.” AND I CRIED. nobody’s cooler than you, the asshole who called me fat, stupid, and ugly for 30 episodes. but whatever, i’m still sad. and then usagi’s monologue at the ending (i’m not a big fan of kae araki as usagi but i still... love the monologue so much) and just wow. what a great ending. 

this was more episodes then i expected

[midtownvaledictorian]

How I Chose to Feel Better

When your relationship with Harrison falls apart, it’s the most unexpected person who comes to your rescue

(2,750 Words)

Warnings: drinking, language, smutty smut

A/N: ok I made Harrison seem like SUCH A BAD GUY but it was the only way to make this request work lmao PLZ DON’T HATE ME

Harrison and I were once the perfect couple. Every single day was perfect, so long as it was with him. Hell, even going to the DMV could be a blast if he would accompany me. There wasn’t a day when I didn’t picture what our life would be like: a bunch of kids, a big country house in Southwest London, and eventually growing old somewhere on a remote beach. That was all before he started prioritizing other things. The two of us would go out almost every weekend, c’mon, we were British for fuck’s sake. We would get completely wrecked, then poor Tom would have to drive us back to our apartment where we would have beautiful, loving, and filthy sex.

But when I went back to school, he started going out by himself more. I understood out first, I was home studying a lot and didn’t expect him to always stay shut in with me. But I couldn’t help but be suspicious when I would see that Tom was home on his Snapchat story, but Harrison was still out. I had asked Tom about it a few times, but he was just as clueless as I was. “He got in an uber the same time I did, did he not go straight home?” Would always be his response. Once, I tried turning the tables, telling him that I was going out with some friends. Things got so ugly so fast. Before I knew it he was accusing me of cheating on him. It was an absolute screaming match before he stormed out. He came back two days later, sobbing for forgiveness which I quickly gave him. He always blamed it on stress, but we both knew what it really was: alcohol. He had a serious problem, but bringing it up only brought more fights, so eventually I just left it be. I was especially worried for tonight. It was Sam and Harry’s nineteenth birthday and Tom was throwing a huge party for them. Huge party meant lots of alcohol and lots of boys, which also meant a very drunk and jealous Harrison. I was finishing my makeup when Harrison walked in, “Jesus Christ Y/n, you’re seriously wearing that tonight? What, are you trying to leave with someone else or something?” I was taken aback out first, but then I saw the bottle in his hand and it began to make sense. “No, I’m trying to let you have the hottest date at this party. Ready?” I asked standing up from my chair. We were walking out of our bedroom when I noticed his phone still sitting on the dresser, “Oh, babe,” I said grabbing it. The screen lit up to display a new text from a girl named Liza: you’ll be at the party tonight right? maybe we can sneak off for a while ;) “You almost forgot your phone.” I gave him a fake smile as I handed it to him,  even though my heart was breaking. Tonight wasn’t the night to start a fight like this though, the boys would be so disappointed if we didn’t show. The car ride to Tom’s felt like an eternity. He tried placing a hand on my thigh, something that used to make me beg him to pull the car over so that I could have my way with him, but this time it made me want to throw up. I simply crossed my legs, causing his hand to fall of my thigh, and continued staring out the window. Finally, we reached Tom’s. Before we went in, Harrison grabbed my arm, “listen, no funny business in here okay? I know how you can get when you’re drunk, and I know how other guys will get with you in that dress.” “Of course, babe,” I cooed, fluttering my eyelashes at him, “if there’s one thing we have, it’s loyalty.” I gave him a quick kiss before swinging the door open. He had know idea what was coming for him. Sam and Harry greeted us with open arms. I gave them both a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, but I made sure to kiss Sam closer to his ear, a sweet spot of his that he had admitted to me at a party once. I could feel him gulp at the feeling of my warm lips against his skin, pulling away I gave him a suggestive smirk. I’ll admit, it was kind of evil of me to do this to Sam, but everyone knew that he had a huge crush on me, and I was in the mood for revenge. “You look amazing,” Sam stuttered out. “Well thank you, baby. Harrison here doesn’t like my dress much. Do you?” I asked innocently. “Yeah it’s great,” he was practically drooling. “Watch it, mate. It may be your birthday but I’ll still kick your ass.” Harrison joked, but I knew the warning was more directed at me. “I’m gonna go talk to Sarah, have a good time babe.” I made sure to swing my hips a bit more than normal as I walked away from them. I quickly found my girlfriends who were already completely wasted. They were handing my shots left and right, and before I knew it, I was completely wasted as well. Every once in a while I’d glance at Harrison who was almost always on his phone. The idea of him texting Liza made me livid. Out of no where, I stormed out to the balcony. I was on the verge of tears as I realized there was nothing I could do at this stupid party that would hurt him as much as he had just hurt me. 
“Everything okay?” I spun around to see Tom. “Yeah, everything’s fine.” I stated bluntly, praying he would just leave me alone. But instead, he came and stood next to me. “How are you and Harrison?” There was such a long, awkward silence. Was I supposed to lie? Normally I would have, but the vodka in my system gave me the confidence to be honest. “He’s cheating on me, isn’t he,” he looked at me with the saddest look in his eyes. 
“I don’t know for sure, Y/N. I’m sorry, and I know I shouldn’t say this, but you deserve better.” “Yeah, I do.” I said coldly, walking back into the party. I could hear Tom sigh behind me, I could tell he felt bad for me, even he knew that Harrison wasn’t treating me properly. And that was all I needed. All bets were off. Harrison was going to pay. Somebody Come Get Her was playing as I got inside, a genius idea popped into my head. I found Sam and grabbed his arm, leading him over to my group of friends who were standing by the dining table. “I have a birthday present for you,” I whispered in his ear before grabbing a few of my friends and hopping up onto the table. Three of us were dancing on the table, specifically taking advantage of my short dress, I made sure that Sam would be able to see right up it. His cheeks were getting red, watching the spectacle. Eventually Harrison saw me, he’s never looked so angry before. He started making his way over to me, I was so focused on watching him that I didn’t realize how close I was to the edge of the table. Eventually, my heel slipped off and I fell right into someone’s arms. They had two tight grips on me as they tried to help me stand, one on my arm, and the other on my ass. I looked up to see Tom, half smiling at me, but then— “What the fuck man?” Harrison had finally made his way to the scene, and we were in an incriminating position. “Harrison chill it’s not at all what it looks—” Before he could finish his sentence, he was sent stumbling backwards from Harrison punching him. “Harrison!” I screamed at him, but I could tell he was completely blinded by jealousy and beer.
“I don’t wanna hear a damn word from you.” “You can’t just do shit like this, what the fuck were you thinking?”
“What the fuck were you thinking, huh? Dancing on a table like a little slut. What, were you trying to fuck my best friend and all his brothers? You’ll have to wait a few years for Paddy but I wouldn’t put it past you.” “Who’s Liza?” At that, Harrison’s face fell. He knew I knew, and there was nothing he could do to get him out of that situation. “Have fun with her, it won’t take long for her to find out that you’re a pathetic, cheating drunk.” Harrison stepped towards me with an indescribable rage in his eyes, and I was terrified. But luckily Tom grabbed my arm, pulling me behind him. He looked Harrison dead in the eyes. “Get out of here mate.” Harrison scoffed before walking towards the door, before leaving everyone at the party with a nice, “Fuck all of you,” and smashing a beer bottle on the floor and walking out. I was in complete shock of the actions of the man I used to love so much. “Lets go calm down,” Tom said to me quietly before leading me down the hall. He sat me down on his bed and kneeled in front of me. “Are you okay?” I just shook my head. I couldn’t even find the words. “I’m so sorry, Y/N. He has a serious problem right now, but you shouldn’t have to deal with that.” “I loved him, Tom. I really did.” “Did?” “Not anymore. You don’t even know the half of what usually goes on.” Tears started welling up at all of the horrible memories. “Hey, hey, don’t cry. No actually that was shitty of me, you can cry if you need to, I’ll stay with you.” He sat next to me and put his arm around me, letting me fall into his chest to cry. “Why are you so nice to me? Shouldn’t you be calling me a slut with Harrison somewhere?” “I love Harrison, but I love you too, Y/N. And I know who’s right here, and I know who needs me more, and that’s not him. And to be honest, I’m pretty pissed at him, I always thought he was better than that.” “So did I. God I made such a fool out of myself trying to get back at him.” “Nah, you’re fine. Besides, you really did make Sam’s birthday.” He said chuckling. “One down, three to go,” I joked. “God, can you imagine?” “Imagine what?” “If we… ya know,” I don’t know if it was the alcohol, the anger, or the sense of comfort he was giving, but in that moment, I needed him. I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. He seemed startled out first, but temptation gave in and soon he was kissing me back. He let his hand rest on my thigh, the other making its way up my body to cup my face. He pushed us back onto the bed and started kissing me harder, I could feel the need behind his kiss. “I’ve always wanted this,” he whispered in between kisses. I furrowed my eyebrows, “You’ve always deserved better than him, you deserve someone who could treat you like I could.” I was certain that it was the alcohol talking, but the feeling of him latching his lips to my neck made me want to believe him. He pulled himself on top of me, situating himself between my legs. I didn’t even bother trying to suppress my moans when he started grinding against me. Each movement of his hips caused my dress to hitch up further, and soon the only thing separating us was the thin fabric of my panties. His hand barely brushed up my thigh has he moved my panties to the side, just resting on my entrance. He broke the kiss to look me in the eyes, looking for my approval. All it took was a nod for him to push inside of me. The feeling sent me reeling, I threw my head back into the bed and clawed at the sheets above me. Harrison and I hadn’t been intimate in so long, so the feeling of him pumping roughly inside of me left me seeing stars. I could feel myself getting closer to the edge, “wait, wait, wait, Tom,” his face left the crook of my neck to give me a confused look, “I want you.” I started palming his erection through his jeans, but he definitely didn’t need anymore help to get hard. I tugged at the hem of his jeans, he got the hint and began unbuttoning them frantically. He kicked his jeans and boxers off before pulling my dress over my  head. “Holy shit, you’re so beautiful.” There was a smile on his lips as they pressed against mine. Reaching between us, I stroked his length a few times before guiding him to my entrance. “You’re sure you want this?” He asked, I could tell he was being sincere, and this unfamiliar kindness made me want him even more. He slowly pressed into me, I had to bite at his shoulder to keep from screaming. I wasn’t used to being with someone as big as Tom, and I let out a loud whine when he finally bottomed me out. His abs were clenching, I could tell that all he wanted was to slide out and slam back into me, but he was waiting for my go ahead. “Give it to me,” I breathed into his ear. He shuddered before ramming into me. Damn, dancers really know how to use their hips. It didn’t take long for the first orgasm to wash over me. “Fuck, Y/n,” he moaned as I clenched around him. But he wasn’t done. In fact, the moans of my orgasms only motivated him to go harder. My nails were dragging down his back as I bit him roughly on his neck and shoulders. His grip on my hips tightened, enough to leave me with faint purple bruises in the morning. Curses slipped through his lips as his thrusts became harder and lost his rhythm. He pulled out quickly and collapsed into the crook of my neck. His hot liquid pooled on my stomach before he flopped onto his back beside me. “I’ll grab you a towel,” he chuckled before disappearing into his bathroom. He tossed me a towel before he slipped into a pair of sweats. When I got cleaned up and offered a sweatshirt which I happily pulled on, putting that tight dress back on was the last thing that I wanted to do. “There are still people in your living room, you know.” I reminded him as he laid down next to me and pulled the covers over the both of us. “Yeah, Harry will kick them out eventually, lets just stay here.” I knew I should’ve left, guilt started washing over me, but the light kisses Tom kept leaving on my cheek as we fell asleep were enough to push the guilt away.

I woke up with a start. I remembered what had happened last night, but I kept trying to convince myself that it was all a bad dream. “What the hell have I done?” I muttered to myself. Tears started welling up at the reality of it all. My light sobs woke Tom up. “Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” Tom asked, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “God, we’ve fucked up, Tom. We’ve really fucked up.” “No, we didn’t. He hurt you, you can’t blame yourself for how you chose to feel better.” It was true. What did I owe him? He cheated on me. He treated me horribly. He was the one who ruined us. I let out a defeated sigh before searching for my phone. It was nearly noon and I had a new text from Harrison: I don’t expect you to forgive me, ever. But you deserve to know that I’m checking into a rehab center tonight. I have a problem, Y/n. I see that now, and I wish I would’ve seen it sooner. I’ve ruined the one thing that mattered most to me. I love you, Y/n. Tell Tom thank you for taking care of you last night, and that I’m sorry. Maybe I’ll see you guys in a couple of weeks, goodbye. What the fuck have I done.

[lazcht]

Contemplations

...of aging, and the year of 2017

Hey, it’s been such a long time I haven’t write a long (and personal) blog so pardon my (even more) rusty writing skill--phrasings and poor vocabulary. 

Well. I’ve been thinking to share some of my thoughts to the internet concerning...age. 

26th of September is my birthday. Actually this is the last year I’ll be in 20s, haha. Lately (at least among my friends) it’s so familiar to hear “It feels like I was graduating school yesterday damn it.”

Is birthday really matter?

Nah it’s just a calendar--day, week, month, year, time system made by humans as a system to measure how long we’ve been here, on earth. I don’t feel really connect with the concept to celebrate anniversaries exactly by “time”. It works more as reminders, a trigger to notice myself to contemplate, evaluate, and plan. 

Should I be happy? Hmm. Celebration, eating fancy, wonderful wishes, surprises, gifts, are bonus. I might be taking them for granted actually, (I feel bad for that) but I kinda feel it’s not a necessary thing to have on a birthday. Though my birthdays have been so great since I was little, so in my mind, a birthday is always been a good and fun association. 

Except, when I was reaching 20... my anxiety about stuff arose, maybe this time is the same. I’m about to hit 3rd checkmark of 10 years of milestone. So it’s a lie if I say, that aging doesn’t matters at all.

I feel so grateful that I’m always surrounded with kind people who care about things I love, my well-being, or my future, or simply all people that accept my presence on their lives. So thank you for all wishes and gifts... Though I can’t promise anything in return.

Suddenly I remembered...

My mood was not really good lately. I’m thinking about lot of stuff. Frustrated, anxious, worried(?), and a little bit pessimistic. Why, I wonder?

I’ve been thinking, what’s the difference, and how I’ve been changing from 10 years ago; the teen me, to I am now. So here are my personal conflicts.

1. First of all, the easiest thing to notice, is my physical body. 

Back then, recovery was fast, good stamina, and a body that didn’t go sick although I didn’t put so much attention in it. I could ate stuff sloppily, hygiene doesn’t stop me from doing what I want, sleep deprivation didn’t matter as much, pollution didn’t really affect my respiratory system, bad posture didn’t get me strains or sores, lack of exercising also less punishing. Waking up motivated and energized.

Now... well, I’ve been trying to wake up not feeling bad, and go to sleep with a good posture so I don’t feel like shit the next day. 

Allergies such as dust, smoke, (my own) sweat, water (on my scalp) are easily triggered these days. I dunno if the environment here getting so much worse (well, it’s a capital city of Indonesia, Jakarta), or just my body can’t cope up with my old lifestyle.

After I get the feeling of living in a weak dying body previous years, being unproductive, unmotivated and low at energy, mood-swing, stressed and getting the feeling of “decaying”, having atrophic and useless muscles; I figured it was because I lack of self-care. I feel that can’t ignore this shit anymore, before it’s getting far too late.

2. Mindset & interests.

The more I think, I noticed maybe the biggest difference between me 10-20 years ago with me right now, is the optimism level LMAO.

In junior high school days, to 20+ ish, I kinda have faith that someday (perhaps in 5-10 years) I might be able to become famous, or having decent money flow. I felt that I was a genius compared to people my age, haha well I had a narrow social circle. As I grow older, things become difficult (actually prolly I was just underestimated lot of stuff back then?). Having more knowledge makes me think that I know nothing about this world, this industry I work in, about what’s work and what’s not, about this life.

I used to have strong feel of justice or moral compass that’s quite firm. I could really simply say that doing A is plainly wrong and doing B is absolutely right. As I grow older, learning so much stuff (from experience, or fiction stories I consume), knowing so much people with their insight from cultural, religion aspect, things are not as simple. I faced lot of turning point couple of years lately.

I used to have interest in drawings, my capability to draw something, but not about reading, or listening about things that inspire. My dream was to become an animator or comic artist, later on I was only interested in the drawing process, the result, but not the story. Maybe that’s why I’m comfortable in joining other’s project rather than doing my own.

I consumed things that only makes me able to create what people told me to, but not “nutrients” for my ability to conceptualize and inspire, to deliver message. In 7++ years of my career, I deliver nothing, just work, ego "masturbating”, fun and money. Not so long ago, I noticed I that I should change my direction. That I had to make impact, or at least, a lasting impression, stuff that people could think about. 

I focus less in technique, and think more about purpose, idea, vision. Things that only I, can deliver it (still looking). Things that are more personal and close to my identity.

3. Family condition.

Not only me that gets older. Parents, partner, sibling and other relatives are also getting old. Not to mention the economy and how industry, business trends flows by. 

Economically, my family is currently going downwards. Parent’s not as healthy as they were 5~10 years ago. Good thing they’re still lively, active, able-bodied to still go traveling actually. They simply can’t work continuously, hence eventually, incomes are scarcer. Bills getting higher each year, or even months. They don’t demand retirement (thanks to them), but I feel they’re thinking we (their children) are not ready to take full responsibility of paying all of household needs. But luckily enough, our family didn’t have any debt. Yet I could use steady income to cover us, as soon as possible.

Psychologically, parents are more into games now (I’m so glad lol), and they’re still quite sharp to pick out hoaxes though there are lot of random Whatsapp videos or articles they share with the old folks. Overall, still good but long term-wise, I’m quite pessimistic.

4. Spiritual side, ego, myself.

It’s getting harder to reach a clear mind nowadays, just a moment to meditate and let my mind sit calmly, silently. I guess I’m now getting even more drowned into the “Lazcht” ego. I feel the need to work hard, but only to serve the “me”. How about afterlife thoughts, awareness, mindfulness? I know I need more mind exercise, but there we are, too busy being involved into mundane stuff haha.

Love life, it’s hard to describe but now I feel like I can control better of my own possessiveness, to think that love is about giving, having a big heart, and letting go. Breakup? Nope, but as a formerly monogamous person, I’m currently having a polyamorous partner. We had been seeing the differences as our biggest obstacle on continuing the relationship, and I was trying to make myself adapt and change to compromise, but now, we decided to see and experience love with our own “style”. It works for now, tho, we don’t know for how long. :’)

Insecurity changed and taught me a lot of life lesson. Back then I’d never care much about my body image, upgrading wardrobe and so on. Lately I also feeling anxious again about my gender issue. The urge to transition (I’m a trans FYI) is getting stronger, but meh... I’m broke, so not now. :(

What do i do then?

1. Physical aspect: workout, regular outing, drink more water, body-awareness, and keeping good habit. 

Latest one is hardest, because of my zero-discipline. For people who has similar issue with mine, easiest way I find is to bathe regularly, at least once a day would make my day better. Maintaining room’s sanitary is also excellent method to wake up feeling great. Recently I bought an air purifier, vacuum regularly, and it worked nicely.

I once find using a scheduler app with fixed wake up time, eating, working, etc makes me feel better and content, then again it’s hard to keep it on long-term. 

2. Nutrients for brain: watch or read more interesting and recommended stuff, explore, make new friends or be in a new circle. 

I also feel that it’s necessary to learn languages, especially Japanese, I feel like someday I’ll really make use of them.

Probably planting is also a way to refresh mind and soul. I really hope to learn on cultivating vegetables, or just herbs if it’s easier haha.

3. Economy and family matter: can’t do much for this actually, except doing my best on my work and keeping healthy relationships. 

I really hope I can make them go travel somewhere else beautiful, since their mindset always like “we wouldn’t afford that much.” or “it’s not worth it.” well, perhaps they’re not into it but I just don’t want they can’t afford to spend money on something they love.

Hopefully I can find a good way to improve my economy without too much sacrificing important things.

4. Myself as me: I... just hope to improve, or perhaps become slightly more famous as an artist or gamedev person lol. Most of all, I just want to love myself more, and be content with my own self. Also hopefully I’ll become more useful to others, on anything. I wish I can optimize myself because... too much burnout (physical or social). If anyone notice that sometimes I don’t appear anywhere or rarely seen, that’s not necessarily that I hate being with you guys, mostly it’s because I need my space and time.

Ideally, I want to go to more convention events, overseas, selling my own stuff (or with circle), get in touch with amazing people. Or simply maintain good relations with people around me (not just physically ofc) right now. You guys are good friends. 

Okay that’s enough, I think I can count this as my prayer because I don’t usually “pray”. Forgive me for my wrongdoing (or let me know?) and thanks for being here with me. May universe get along well with everyone and hear our wishes! :)

~Lazcht, 29 Y.O.

[lk-mitogen]

mental health rant

A friend of mine had an explosive breakdown at work today, and he got into a lot of trouble for it (he yelled at an R4 and an external doctor, both of which are...wayyyyyy higher up in rank than we are lmao, we’re at the bottom rung or lower). Talking to him and his girlfriend and another friend individually, I got the gist of why he did it -- his parents are divorcing, he has financial issues because of it, he’s lost faith in becoming a pediatrician and now has no idea who he wants to be, we work under insane pressure every day and no one gives a shit except when we fuck up, etc etc -- and I remembered me in my first year and a bit of med school, how I was just like that, because my own parents were divocing and it was hellish, and people came to know me as “that person who’s always fighting with the teachers” because I didn’t give a shit who you were, if you were wrong I told you and gave you twenty citations to back up my opinion, and it was just disruptive and offensive and it absolutely made me no allies.

He wasn’t wrong to get angry, to get irritated, but there are ways of expressing it that are better and more productive, but the reason I can tell that is because I’m in a better place now.

And like, he’s not the only one. My best medical school friend had a prolonged breakdown from last year until very recently, and it manifested as panic attacks and fainting spells and she would literally tell me “I have to get fresh air” and leave me alone in the emergency room with 20 patients because she just couldn’t handle it anymore, and I hated her a little bit for it, not gonna lie, she abandoned me when I really fucking needed someone to help me over and over and over, even in the middle of a goddamn surgery once, but I understood, I got it, and she got help and she’s better now, and she’s an impeccable doctor, whipsmart and attentive, I’d consult her anyday.

And like, this guy’s girlfriend has lately been complaining about nonspecific abdominal symptoms, and she keeps wanting to find a medical explanation for it, but I know it’s psychological, because she’s dealing with the same stress we’re all under PLUS her boyfriend is going absolutely nuts and in a violent way, it’s not the first time he yells at people when he’s frustrated, it’s just the first time he did it to people high enough and emotionally alien enough to him to report the shit out of him for it, and she’s his onlly emotional support, he’s the kind of boyfriend who would say “if you leave me I’ll kill myself”, so good luck with that sort of insane pressure, even if you have enough money to pay for your own transportation and food without difficulties like some other people have.

Another friend keeps sleeping in, she just can’t get up, I keep telling her put!! an alarm!! earlier!!! and she swears she does, but she says she can’t help herself from turning it off, because she “self-sabotages”, and it’s so!! fucking!!! frustrating!!!! because again, she leaves me to handle the 6:45 am handoff alone every. single. day. because she can’t get up and she arrives at 7:20 am with coffee and an apology and I gotta grit my teeth and bear it, because I GET IT, i really really do, she’s under a lot of stress and it manifests as self-sabotage, like, boy do I get it, I’ve been there, so I try to be kind and understanding and patient but. My god. I legit tune her out now whenever she starts apologizing because I’m 99.999% sick of it. And like! She’s a great doctor! Her bedside manner is A++ I admire her so much for it, and she genuinely cares for our patients, even the worst of the lot, I really wish I had her empathy (only not really because that’s where her self-destructive tendencies come from, I think). Basically, she’s a great person, just. Man. Wake the fuck up on time, PLEASE.

And this other guy, another part of our team, is a total flake, he keeps manifesting nonspecific symptoms like MY JAW HURTS I GOTTA GET MY WISDOM TEETH PULLED OUT!! one day and MY ABDOMEN HURTS I CANT COME TO WORK I THINK I HAVE APENDICITIS!!! and fucking shit like this every goddamn week it’s something new, and he’s on so many different medications for depression and anxiety and sleeping and staying awake and he’s gained easily 20 kilograms this year and I feel for him, I really do, his life is spiraling out of control and he’s clawing the walls all the way down to rock bottom, and I can see it, everyone can see it, but he’s too flakey to ever get anyone on his side, and part of me wants to tell him, buddy, take a sabbatical, but the problem is, he already took one so he can’t take another, and he’s burned me too many times and not reciprocated emotionally enough for me to reach out and help him, because I will drown right alongside him at the rate he’s going.

And then my other friend!! Whom I care about! A lot!! she’s also super empathic and kind but. SHE IS. SO GODDAMN SLOW. AT EVERYTHING. In the time it takes me to see 6 patients and write their SOAP notes she’s done one, and she’s not the sharpest tool in the box, she sometimes suggests treatments that are...not the correct ones, and so I gotta go and help her out, talk it through with her so she doesn’t heck it up, and she’s super cool about it! But!!! SO GODDAMN SLOW!!!!! PLEASE! LEARN TO BE MORE EFFICIENT!!! Even though I know it’s all a symptom of burnout, too, even I’m not cold-hearted enough to not realize it.

We’re all just. Shambling through this year, trying our best, and our best manifests in different ways when under stress, sometimes it’s just showing up to work. Sometimes it’s just managing to write the note, even if it takes you hours. Sometimes it’s asking your buddy if they can cover you so you can go cry in the bathroom for five minutes and then come back. We’re all doing our absolute best to be here and attentive and empathic, and I am really proud of everyone, but I’m also really sick of being the most sane person on the team. A selfish childish part of me is like, I WANNA HAVE MY BREAKDOWN TOO DAMNIT!! But I’m too old for it, and I’ve trained myself quite well to handle my meltdowns in efficient ways, productive ways, so I can get back on the horse quickly and in a stable manner. I’m proud of me for that too, but it does get tiring, having all parts of my team leaking anxiety and depression and stress in psychosomatic ways.

So I’m going to give in to my desire right now and have a very condensed breakdown rant and hopefully get all my high octane frustration out in one go, and then parse it out once it’s text.

For the past 10 months I’ve lived through the best and worst of people. I’ve given folks CPR to the point where their ribs break under my hands, I’ve had to fist a lady’s inverted uterus back into place in the most body horror moment of my life, I legit feared for my life when this dude going through withdrawal physically threatened me, I’ve delivered an extremely deformed baby with gastroschisis manually and their guts were spilling over my hands and though it didn’t die in my arms it died about ten minutes later in mom’s and it was sad as FUCK, I’ve had 13 12 11 and 10 year old girls delivering babies because their brother cousin uncle foster dad abused them and abortion is illegal in my stupid fucking hyper catholic state and this is a never ending cycle cause mom was 14 when they had them and on and on and on, and this other time I was the only fucking doctor at a public hospital once during an overnight shift and I had to suture this guy’s toes back on having 0 prior experience suturing ANYTHING and they fell right off the next day because I didn’t know what the FUCK I was doing and I still feel fucking awful about that, and at that same fucking hospital some IDIOT put formaldehyde in a saline solution bottle and this poor surgical nurse accidentally poured it into some poor patient’s open abdominal cavity IN FRONT OF ME and the fucking suction didn’t work because that public hospital is a piece of SHIT and that patient totally died and the resident told the family it had been something else and I WAS THERE and it was BULLSHIT, and COUNTLESS other horrible, truly horrible, absolutely horrible things, and I’ve tried to take all of that shit and learn something from it, make something good come out of so much, so much, SO MUCH awful, and I’ve patiently, patiently, patiently tried to tolerate my collegue’s breakdowns, and their eternal lateness, and the residents yelling at me, and the external doctors telling us we’re never going to be anything worthy, and I think I’ve been doing a good job of it, to be honest, at this point I feel like I’ve become this politely smiling shell of myself to survive it, because a part of me feels like I’m living in an alternate dimension where morality and ethics and laws no longer exist, because they simply do not apply anymore, someone has just taken all of that important stuff and dismissed it to be kindergarden stuff, and I gotta nod and go with it or else I’m going to be my friend saying “i need air” and leaving, or “i self sabotage like this” and sleeping in, or “i think my wisdom tooth is aching” and taking the day off or just, simply, EXPLODING at everyone until they kick me out, and like

a big part of me is MOURNING the fact that I’ve become like this, that THIS is what becoming a doctor means in my country, that THIS is the type of formation they require of us. This horrible automaton of a person, that is a symbol of so much goodness but underneath it it’s all lawless shit, it’s all under the water shit, it’s all cover everyone’s fuck ups type shit. I hate it. I hate what I’m becoming. This person that can talk about all this and kind of go “yeah, I guess it’s objectively awful, but have I told you about [this even more awful event]?” because if you play that game there’s always a worse story, there’s always lower, and lower, and LOWER.

I’ll always be glad I chose to study this career, for all it’s morphed me into something I never wished to be. Because I can wade in these muddy rotten waters and help my friends and my family navigate it, I can help strangers and underprivileged people navigate it, I can help all of them from my insider privileges, to make their experience better than it would have been without me, more efficient, more smooth, more right, correct, lawful. I can’t help everyone, and I’m human and I’ll fuck up now and again too, because I’m learning, but I know, firm in my heart, that wherever I go it will be better that I was there than if I wasn’t.

Even if it’s just because the bar is so fucking low it’s difficult not to do better, believe you me, a lot of my colleagues are so fucking burnt out that they somehow still do it worse, and I’ve seen it in external doctors as well.

I’ll take all of these horrible awful no good experiences and I’m going to do better, I’m already better, I will make people have a better experience when they are going through the worst parts of their lives. Even if I had to mess myself up a lot to survive it, I think it’s worth it to spend this one life of mine doing this. I really really do.

[survivorkomnata]

Episode #11: “i feel kinda nervous but also just kinda like i don’t give a fuck ya know” - Ally

The F8 vote seemed to have worked out well for me. I believe I shifted the plan from voting Stephen to Jess as Jess has been socially great but I havent been able to develop a great personal relationship with her and our interests in the game seem to differ. I am kinda glad with my position rn tho I am pretty sure the jury hates me rn but my aim is to find a way to maneuver to the end. Stephen and Ally must be really upset with me for lying over and over again and I might be targeted soon.

i am on a train and so i decided i'll write a confessional.

after having time to think last night (misplaying my idol), here are my thoughts: yeah, it sucks. it definitely hurt my game more than it helped. i am now 10x more vulnerable in the game. but, i'm not regretful? i'm now in a less-stressed state, where if i'm going to leave, so be it. no one was really shocked (though some may be more angered at me), and it kinda helps clear a target on my back because i'm like... easy to beat.

now, let me talk about something. after thorough analysis, i believe i have the least likelihood of winning this game. that's fine. i'm not really mad about it. below i'll just provide why i think i can't win this game, and my personal view.

CHANCES OF MAKING IT TO FTC: to begin, my chances of making it to ftc is very limited. i'm in a state where i have no idol, and i must rely on competitions (at some point, not necessarily now). i honestly think i'm safe at F7, but i know in order to get into F2 (or F3), i'll probably need to win a few immunities (or hope people see me as the goat i am and.. dragggg me BAAAAA). other people in the category of 'limited' when it comes to making ftc are stephen/ally/alyssa. now, let's pretend i do win like 3 immunities and achieve that position at FTC. this has two outcomes. first being that i don't think the jury will majorly respect it. and secondly, well, i'll describe it in the points below.

CHANCES TO WIN (IF I REACH FTC): i think i have horrible chances at this rate. ever since jury started, my management of said people hasn't been the greatest. i don't entirely blame myself (though maybe i should), but i don't see stephen w./miguel/luke/jess being keen on voting me. i think the most grossest(word choice?) of those are miguel. he's going to be emotional/bitter, and kind of rightfully so - i did vote him out. but i also got targeted in the first place for trying to save him. i put my blood, sweat, tears into trying to let him live and... well... i couldn't do it. and, in my personal opinion, that should outweigh me voting him. so as of now, i think i have 0/4 locks. i could see current players voting for me depending on how the game goes (i.e ally, alyssa, karthik) but that's so iffy to really count on. now a quick analysis of other players: alyssa - i think she's by far the strongest middle player/has been the swing vote in various instances. though bitterness may be an outcome, she's played a dominating game. ally/stephen - minority. they are going to have stephen w./luke/jess practically on lock, and even miguel to some extent. they are the underdogs that even i would be rooting for if i were on jury. tim/karthik - both are better middle players than i am. they are always the go-tos to make a move. maybe this is a bad thing for them (and by default, good for me) because they are seen as 'goats' or something. i doubt that though. they have more agency, and though i once again don't think that's at MY fault, it ultimately detriments my game. jake - jake has continually been targeted due to being a flexible, snakey threat. though he may not be doing the absolute most strategically/etc., he has that perception of ''winner'' and ''big player'', which alone can carry a lot of brownie points when it comes to voting.

CONCLUSION: So i think my chances to win are the lowest odds because of my inability to guarantee FTC for myself, and even if i do, i ain't going to be a strong contender to win unless the jury comes around to my busted ass game.

- okay, i want to talk about my personal thoughts on this.

i don't think i played the best. but, i don't blame myself for being in this shitty situation. wait. to specify, i don't blame myself for being hated by jury/players. i DO blame myself for being in the shitty position and limited chances of making FTC, which has factors including my prejury comp strength (there was strategy w/ that but i'll talk abt that another time.

my chances have sucked ever since jury started. stephen w. and i were never on a tribe together, and though i was a 'threat', i didn't flip. i did consider it however, but that isn't enough credit for him. it wasn't smart to work with him considering he was targeting me, but that's valid to not vote me in the end. miguel is a loyal and emotional person, 100% valid. i did not meet those terms at the end of the day, and that's only on me i guess. luke showed no loyalty to me and so i reciprocated the fakeness. we never worked together. jess, i DID try to work with, but she rejected that just to kinda blame it on me and so i voted her out. i have no friends on jury, and the earlier jurors are the most critical to some degree (because they can become an unit or something and start rallying campaigns for people).

my lack of agency, which is my biggest in-game flaw, isn't my fault directly. i tried to be extra social and show willingness to flip. of the 5 Kato2.0 members, i think i was easily the most willing to change up the game. karthik/tim have lied numerous times about flipping, and jake has done so prior. i haven't. maybe i should have, and i would be in a position, but i wanted to maintain this veil of honesty that like i was opened 2 working w them, even if NOW wasn't the time. the voted me and then only talked to me abt my vote when they needed me. i have to be missing something. this isn't a bad thing on MY game when others dont want to work with me, but i cant figure out the missing piece. maybe someones lying about what i'm doing and pitting people against me (good on them). maybe i did something really bad. but, it's a struggle. i thought i was playing so well but now i'm in a position of... hopelessness. i don't have any strong friends in the game. tim's probably the closest to me. i'm just... i'm unsure.

-

i want to talk about the future of this game real quick. this round, i anticipate ally/stephen will target one of me/alyssa/jake. tim wants to target alyssa (according to him) so i can see her being targeted. i'm unsure if that's how i'll vote, but i'm thinking. i think, if i am lucky + smart enough, that i'll make f5 easily. if alyssa goes, theres no way ppl would keep ally/stephen both til f5 considering they are minority n have that sway over the jury. put in that position, im the strongest physically. if ally goes F7 (or stephen), then jake/alyssa are a duo i can spearhead to break up. but, if alyssa has two idols, shes final 4 and well . it's over . but maybe she'd idol out like karthik or smthing n then me/tim/stephen vote out alyssa/jake and... yea. there's some hope for me but it's VERY circumstantial.

my brain hurts lol sorry

So last night I was BRUTALLY blindsided. And it's kinda late in the game for that to still be happening! This is way worse than Miguel or Luke leaving. Karth, Tim, Zach and Alyssa all overtly lied to me about their plans and votes. Granted, I also lied to Alyssa so there's that.

Karth, Tim, and Zach all hit me with the "but we're allies now that you proved you're honest" and I'm rolling with it because I don't have much of a choice. Ally wants to try something with Alyssa/Jake but I'm not exactly holding my breath. I won't buy anything until people start coming to me with real plans. At least Zach's idol is gone so others might be more tempted to make a move on him now.

Being voted most honest was something I ABSOLUTELY capitalized off of. I used it to try and get Alyssa on my side by telling her Stephen said she's next if Zach wins (even though she went and mentioned my name) I used it to blatantly lie to Jess and Stephen and Im using it now to do damage control with Stephen

Honestly the reason I voted Jess was very strategic. If Stephen was gone then Jess could weave her way into an alliance with Alyssa and Jake whereas Stephen would not. Stephen is still a big threat to win and with him here it means that he'll possibly take priority over me. Because honestly who wants Stephen at f3??? Who wants Zach at f3??? Who wants Ally at f3?? They MAY want Alyssa at f3 which is why she's my next target Stephen: Its not smart for me to go against you guys either way

Me: I already know this lmaoo you want me in your f3 duh

Im gonna go ahead and be overzealous when i say this may be the first game where I make f3.

I feel like I've played my cards correctly and If it works out how I want.. i could win/ get 2nd. I can literally destroy and discredit Karthik's game in a matter of seconds so I'm not concerned and Jake's game thusfar has been straightforward. If I can survive this round then I can make it to the end of the game. Omg if its a f2 instead of a f3 i will scream. I'm being too hopeful rn lol.

AHHHHH BITCHESSS I WON IMMUNITYYYY. Poverty was on my side. (I'm not poor lmao). I feel great and I definetely needed to win it considering the fact that my name was mentioned last round. Oh I also sent Karthik to the basement in hopes of finding something buy I also sent him there so that I wont make a target out of Alyssa and break any potential bonds there.

Now originally I made an ellaborate plan to vote out Alyssa but I've done quite a bit of talking to Stephen regarding my position as well as everyone's position in the game.  I'm torn between trying to get the vote on Alyssa or going with Ally, Karthik, and Stephen and voting oyt Zach. We will see.

I have a plan for this vote tonight and I think it’ll work. We’re gonna split the votes and if Stephen or ally goes, I think I’ve set myself up for s really good game. Of course anything can happen, but as long as I don’t get blindsided, I feel good about the rest of the game. Of course, that being said, anything can happen and this is Survivor

Thinking about how this could be my last day in the game is crazy. I'm relying on Tim and Karth to hold up their end of the deal to vote Zach out tonight. If it works, everything will change. I'll suddenly be in a real alliance for the first time in awhile. I don't plan on letting go of the numbers once I have them, but I really don't know if I even have them. Karth was my closest ally since Day 1 and he lied to me and sent out my next closest ally. I believe Tim has been leaking information I was posting in the 4-elements chat for awhile now. And I am definitely the target of at least 3/7 people heading into this tribal according to Tim.

Basically, everything should be seen as a negative right about now. But that's not how I see it. Playing from the bottom could be an amazing opportunity for me. I believe with Zach finally leaving, the 2 duos on the other side will finally have to point fingers at each other rather than doing everything behind the scenes. Then I'm just a little bit farther away from the end. Maybe I can still win this thing.

Of course, I could also go home 5-2 if Karth and Tim are just lying. But I think I've convinced them that keeping me is best for their game. Or maybe it's just that Alyssa and Zach come across as too threatening We even discussed possible endgame scenarios where I go to F3 with them. I wouldn't quite go that far with both of them after all the scheming and plotting on their end but hey, one of them can come along for the ride ;). Assuming I don't go home which is still totally possible LADSHSJKDHDKJHKSDJ

it’s rly quiet lol

i feel kinda nervous but also just kinda like i don’t give a fuck ya know

like... i’ve already been lied to and blindsided so many times that it’s hard to care or have high expectations at this point

i’m voting zach, afaik everyone else is down but again that could be a lie or he could have another idol idfk

i’m only loyal to stephen now idc abt any of these ppl

Ally is voted out in a 4-3 vote. She becomes the fifth member of our jury.