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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years ago

Text

A Dis-ass-ter

Rating: M

Pairings: Simon Lewis/Maia Roberts; Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago; Simon Lewis/Meliorn; Maia Roberts/Raphael Santiago; Maia Roberts/Meliorn; Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood

Summary:

Simon and Maia find out what the Mark of Cain is in an... Alternate way.

Namely, they can't get their spanking session on.

The squad is called in to help.

Read it on Ao3

It's nothing they haven't done a thousand times before.

Really, it's not even complicated. The safety precautions are all very basic, and Maia already knows the drill like the palm of her hand. No pun included.

What could possibly go wrong?

Apparently, this is what.

She tries to land another strike, this time, going extremely slow, making sure she is following the movement of her own hand with her eyes so she isn't missing anything. Just as it was supposed to, Maia's hand lands on Simon's ass the loud slap echoing in the room.

And then she feels the pain on her own ass.

What the fuck?

"Maia? What is going on?" Simon asks, turning his head towards her, which is really pointless, since he is blindfolded. "I hear slapping, but I can't feel anything."

"Well, I can feel it," she says, frustrated.

Simon frowns, which is a really funny look behind the blindfold, and Maia would probably be more endeared if she weren't so lost.

At least I'm a switch, Maia thinks for a second, because she tries to look at things on the bright side. Still, it feels weird to slap her own ass, especially when she has partners who could do that for her.

"Can you explain me what's going on?" Simon asks, sounding genuinely lost, before adding, "...please, Mistress?"

"I can't slap your ass," Maia answers, because that's really all she can say.

Simon sounds alarmed. "Shit, do you need to safeword? That's alright, baby, you should have just told me. I'll just need you to uncuff me and we can do something else, some aftercare, I know you like to watch movies-"

"No, Simon. I physically can't slap your ass!"

"...Do you want me to get it higher up?"

"No! Whenever I do, I feel it on me instead. See?" she says, slapping him again, "Can you even feel it?"

"...Are you sure it is my ass you're slapping?"

"Yes, Simon, I'm sure it is your ass. I did it really slowly to check."

"That's weird."

An awkward silence falls, because that sentence sums it up perfectly and there are no words left.

"Maybe there's a portal on your ass," Maia mumbles. "Did you open a portal in your ass?"

"No??? Why would I do that?? Or how? I can't use magic."

"I don't know, some elaborate prank?"

"Well, I'm missing out on a spanking, so no. Also, you know I suck at pranking, I'd have started laughing before we even took our clothes off."

"Shit, that's true. Then who opened a portal on your ass?"

"I feel like we shouldn't rush to the conclusion that there's a portal on my ass."

"Well, what else could it be?"

"I don't know? The possibilities are endless. I'm a newbie in the Shadow World, remember?" he says, wiggling his butt in an outraged way. "Maybe we should call a specialist."

"A specialist in ass portals?"

"Again, I feel like we are rushing to conclusions here."

"Magnus did invent the portal."

"Sure, call Magnus."

Magnus is about to begin very similar activities when Maia calls.

It's been a while since Alec last had a day off, and Magnus was really excited about the new handcuffs (they suppress his magic and his ability to cum. Unless! Alec! Lets him! Yes!), so he almost considers not picking up. But when people come for his help, it tends to be serious, and besides, this is Maia, so he can't make himself. He looks at Alec apologetically, but all Alec does is smile up at him as he passes him his phone. He makes an "I'll be done in a minute" gesture, but Alec doesn't look fooled.

Well then.

"Hello?" Magnus says, in his best I-am-totally-not-naked voice. Alec snorts, and Magnus almost throws something at him, but there aren't many objects available in his bed. "Maia?"

"Magnus!" she says, sounding distressed, and Magnus perks up, alarmed, "I can't spank Simon's ass!"

"Oh," he says, finally relaxing, seeing the way Alec, who had been going for his bow, mirrors his actions, looking curious. Magnus extends him a placating hand, signing to him that it's nothing major. He's glad this is just some teenage drama, not something overly complicated involving, say, magic and the Seelie Queen. Now that would be a problem. "That's alright, dear. I'm sure Simon will understand. Not everyone is into that. I, for example, am strictly into s-"

"No!" Maia screams, still distressed, and Magnus falls silent fast, "His ass is broken!"

Okay, that is definitely more worrying, but Magnus placates himself by thinking that, again, at least it's not related to some complicated magical plot Daylighter thing. "I'm afraid I need more information, dear. What exactly happened? Have you two done research before practic-"

"No! I mean, yes! Of course we've done research. But that's not the problem. I think there's a portal on his ass."

"Like, inside the-"

"No! Just the cheeks! Well, I mean, actually, I don't know. Simon, is the portal inside your ass?"

"There is no portal in my ass!"

"I think we'll have to check."

"Ok," Magnus says, and waiting room music starts playing over the line. Hm, Frank Sinatra, exquisite. He much prefers the original version of Garota De Ipanema, of course, but that is still not bad. He never expected it to be quite Maia's style, but then again, she is pretty eclectic, and-

"I can't fuck his ass!" Maia says, picking up the phone again.

"Ok," Magnus says, scratching his head a little, trying to think. "You said something about a portal. Does it lead anywhere that you can see, or-"

"No," Maia says, and for a second, Magnus has nightmarish visions of mundane television broadcasting the mysterious penis that showed up midair in the middle of Mumbai, but then she continues, "I just can't get in. It goes back. When I tried spanking him, it slapped my ass! Why is his ass leading to my ass?"

"That doesn't sound like a portal," Magnus says, calmly. "It might be some sort of blocking spell. Like a shield. They can't really differentiate between, uh, friendly and unfriendly intrusions." Then he pauses, "Although it is weird that the pain came back to you. Are you sure that you are not the one cursed?"

"Me?" Maia asks.

"Yes. I know a hex like that, every time you try to inflict pain, it is inflicted on you instead. Not that difficult to pull off, I should be able to undo it easily. We should move fast, though, because if the person plans on attacking you, it means you can't defend yourself," Magnus says, magicking some clothes on. Looks like the plans are officially cancelled. He can see Alec nodding, putting the handcuffs, blindfolds, vibrators, plugs, paddles, collars, wax, condoms, gags, and dildos they had selected for today all back in the box. "But we need to be sure. Where are you?"

"Uh, we are home, but- give me a minute, I think we need to test. I'll call you back?"

"Of course, my little pretzel."

He can hear her smile on the other end of the line. She sounds more calm when she says, "okay, bye."

"Looks like I'm on call," Magnus says, shaking his phone a little bit for emphasis. "By the way, Maia likes my nicknames."

Maia stares at her phone for a second, thinking of who they can ask for help with this. She never considered she could be the hexxed one. Fuck.

"What if it's Russell?" she thinks, a little scared. "Do you think he would do that?" It sounds pretty cowardly, making someone unable to fight you like that. It's not like she and Russell ever came to that before. Then again, she would totally kick his ass.

"I don't know. You know I don't love the guy, but it doesn't sound his style," Simon says. "Maybe we should test, like you said." He adds, trying to go for calming and cheerful and hitting unsure and slightly hysterical right on the head.

"Yes, you're right," she says, running her hands through her hair. "How do we do that?"

"Well, could you untie me first? It's weird that you're just, like, talking to my ass."

"Right, sorry."

They come to the conclusion that they should call someone else for Maia to slap and to slap Simon, so they can check which one of them is it about, or if it's about the both of them somehow. Meliorn is the obvious choice, since, well, they've done this before.

"Mel," she says, "I need you to come here and slap me and Simon."

"I do not wish to inflict harm on either of you," Meliorn answers, in the tone of someone who is looking up at a tree and trying to figure something out and is not interrupting that activity to talk, but is still paying attention to the conversation anyway. Meliorn has very precise entonations.

"No, I know, it's just a quick slap, just to test something. Please? Si- I- We might be in trouble."

Meliorn shows up in front of her. Maia turns off her phone, sighing, and feeling just a little safer with them there. She really hopes Russell isn't planning anything. At least with Meliorn she'd have someone to protect her.

"I resent that. I literally have superstrength, of course I'd protect you too," says Simon, who apparently can read minds now.

"Yeah, but I mean, still. Meliorn has magic, that's always more helpful."

"So my cool powers mean nothing to you, huh?"

"I fail to understand how slapping could help either of you," Meliorn interrupts, looking very calm and ethereal-like as they stand in front of Simon's Naruto poster.

"It's just for a test. Actually, I'd have to be the one to slap you, then you'd slap Simon," she says.

"That is only a minor difference," they reply, but nod. "Any preference for a place?"

Maia extends her hand, looking at her hesitantly. She just looks back at Maia, immobile. Maia bites her lip.

"You have my full permission," Meliorn says.

Maia slaps her shoulder. Not too light, since tapping Simon had no effect, but not too strong, either. She doesn't feel anything on her own shoulder. Or her ass.

"So?" Simon, who apparently can no longer read minds, asks.

"Nothing unusual," Maia says.

"Nor on my end," Meliorn replies. "Should I slap Simon now?"

"Yeah, sure."

Meliorn slaps Simon's shoulder, and then makes a little noise.

"I didn't feel anything." Simon says.

"So it is you who are hexxed," Maia says.

"Yeah, thank G-d," Simon replies. Then he adds, "what? At least it's not you,” when Maia looks at him weird.

"You are the sweetest, did you know that?" she asks.

"Careful, we're going to start being disgusting again."

"Okay, so this is definitely some kind of shielding spell," Maia agrees. "Should I call Magnus again?"

Magnus says that he doesn't know any spell quite like that, at least not any that allows it to be done without being initiated by the person spelled. He still shows up to check on Simon, though, which leads to seeing some unfortunate items they forgot to put back on their places and also the diagnosis that whatever it is, it is Seelie magic, not a warlock's.

"Seelie magic? Could it have anything to do with the weird ritual the Seelie Queen performed on me?"

“No, I’m sure it’s something else,” Magnus says, dryly, “The Seelie Queen performed an unknown ritual on you and you didn’t even consider it might have something to do with that before??”

“Well, I mean, nothing in particular happened at the time.”

“And you thought maybe the ritual was just for the shits??”

“Well, no, but Maia was staring at my forehead for a really long time trying to figure it out, and then I said, ‘I mean, even if you figure it out, what are you going to do, kiss my booboo away?’ and then she kissed my forehead, so we started being all cute and stuff, and I forgot.”

“Why am I only now hearing about this?” Meliorn says, sounding distressed, because obviously they had nothing to do with the ritual or anything about that particular plotline, since that would be ridiculous. “And why didn’t you come to me before?”

“Simple: I am a himbo,” Simon says.

“Simon,” Magnus sighs, pressing his fingers to his temples, and thinking that maybe he should send Alec a text to let him know that his totally super quick visit to Simon’s place, babe, I promise, seriously there’s no need to raincheck do NOT put it all back in the drawer I’ll be right back will actually not be that quick and maybe they will have to raincheck. Maybe. "Can you explain to us what exactly happened?"

So Simon describes the whole thing about how the Seelie queen branded his forehead with the help of some totally not-Meliorn seelie (again, why would Meliorn do that? That would be ridiculous and OOC) and all that pizzazz, finishing the whole narrative off with a "crazy, right?"

Magnus and Meliorn look at each other, and Maia is totally expecting that they will say, "of course! We know exactly what this is and it is very easy to solve and Simon's ass will be fuckable again in no time," but instead they say, "we will need to do research. I've never heard of anything like this before."

As Magnus' portal closes, they can hear him say, "Alexander, I'm afraid we'll need to raincheck," to which Alec deadpans, "no, really?". Meliorn leaves a kiss on both of their foreheads and says that she will get to the bottom of this before disappearing with her own portal.

So it's just Maia, Simon, the messy bed, and the ropes and blindfold they need to put back under his bed again. And there is nothing they can do but wait.

Simon is like, spectacularly drunk.

That is not too hard to happen, of course, because he is a known lightweight and Maia's bloody Marys (ha! That's right, they have blood) are strong. Still, after a week with no relevant news from either Magnus or Meliorn, it looks like Simon was even more helpless to the effects of alcohol. Either that, or he really needed an excuse to scream,

"THE SEELIE QUEEN HAS CURSED MY ASS!"

At the top of his lungs in the middle of Hunter's Moon.

The rest of the clients ignore him, because they have heard all about it before. Raphael, who is beside him, nurses his own bloody Mary with a way too amused smile. He looks absolutely fond, which is a weird way to react to Simon mumbling, "what does she even have against my ass?", but that's Raphael for you. At least Maia doesn't have to worry about Raphael having a weird time at their triple date. Then again, she's sure he already knows how weird they are at this point.

"Has he been whining like this ever since?" Raphael asks, doing a shit job of hiding his laugh as he takes a sip.

"Yup," she replies, checking a cup against the light to make sure it's dried. "Tried everything to make him look on the bright side, didn't work. Guess all we can do is wait for Simon and Meliorn."

"We can trust them," Raphael says, sounding absolutely serious. "They will figure it out."

She smiles at him. "Yeah, of course they will," she answers, ruffling his hair a bit, because she can't help it. Raphael lets her, because he also can't help it. "We'll just have to deal with him up until then."

"Labour division," Raphael nods. Maia laughs.

Simon continues with his rant. "I am completely unfuckable. No butt business at all, nada!" He says. "We tried everything. I have THREE whole partners, and NONE of them can fuck me!!"

"Well, I have never fucked you," Raphael points out, unfazed.

"Yes," Simon says. He then turns towards the camera to look directly into your eyes as he continues, "That is true. Raphael and I don't fuck, and we never will, because he is asexual and sex-repulsed and is not interested in that, with me or anybody else. He won't fuck any of his other partners either, and that is wonderful and valid and should be respected by the fandom." After that, Simon turns back to Raphael and says, "but that is not the point! It's not about you, it's about my ass!!"

"Of course, my apologies," Raphael deadpans.

"Simon, come on. We'll figure this out. We just need to… Talk to the seelie queen," Maia says, her voice faltering at the last words. "I mean, what she's gonna do? Kidnap us again? That's gotta have gotten old by now."

"You shouldn't test her like that," Raphael says, voice serious and eyes hard. Maia can see the way his fists clench as he says it, and she can't help but smile as she takes his hand and places a small kiss there.

"We'll be fine, I promise," she says.

"You'll let me know if you need help, right?" Raphael asks, instead of taking Maia's empty promise.

At that moment, Simon's phone rings.

"It's something called the curse of Cain," is the first thing Simon says after he hangs up his phone.

"The Daylighter curse??" Raphael asks.

"Yes- wait, you knew about this? And didn't tell me?"

"I knew what the curse of Cain is, I didn't know that's what was. All you told me is that your ass was 'sealed shut', there was nothing about that in the spellbooks."

"So Cain is withholding information," Simon mumbles.

"Maybe that just wasn't his priority," Maia suggests.

"Maybe he never tested," Raphael adds.

"Maybe he just left me to perish," Simon counters.

Raphael rolls his eyes. "Come on. Let's get you home. You need to be sober when we go talk to the Seelie Queen."

A whole commission was sent on a diplomatic mission to get Simon's ass back, including Maia, Raphael, Magnus, Alec, Meliorn herself, and even Cain, whom had not been seen by anyone in millions of years but Simon was able to track down in the New York sewers that very same week. How convenient!

Meliorn designed their strategy for talking to the Queen, and her and Magnus led the negotiations. Raphael also spoke in the name of all of the vampires, saying Simon's interests were theirs as well, which Simon thought was totally sweet.

Magnus and Meliorn's speech was very in sync, a result of long rehearsal, and everything went down smoothly. Cain offered to let the Seelie Queen observe him in Simon's place, so she wouldn't miss out on her shiny, unique toy. They all kneeled before her as Meliorn finished her speech, saying, "we beg of you, my queen, let the Daylighter make his own choice."

The Seelie Queen then said, "k lmao," and undid the spell.

It isn't until Simon is back in the safety of the regular realm that he throws his arms up and says, "my ass is back!", promptly leading to a montage of celebratory cheers and hugs among the commission.

"We should celebrate!" Maia suggests, "Finally, Simon will stop crying about this."

"I agree," Meliorn replies, smiling slyly at the both of them. "We should celebrate."

"Alright, I'm out," Raphael says, because he is a sex-repulsed ace and not interested in that type of celebration. "Have fun," he adds, because he is happy for his partners.

And have fun they do. Once Magnus and Cain leave as well, of course, because otherwise that would be weird.

#sh #shadowhunters #saia #malec #simon lewis #maia robertss #raphael santiago #meliorn #magnus bane #alec lightwood #crack #crackfic #The Polycule™#saiaphael #saiaphaeliorn #hello everyone please enjoy this #dirty mention

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iamburdened · 5 years ago

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Unbelievable

How they met | ‘Art is You’

[ 2nd part > ]

Summary: He just wanted to meet this new artist everyone seemed to be talking about. But he left with way more than just a painting.

A/N: this is from ‘Art Is You’. A two-part story that can be read separately. I hope y’all enjoy it. My first fanfic in many many years.

Word count: 1.9k

•••

The first signs of warm started showing in New York, there is color on the plants again and it’s not all covered by a soft blanket of snow. The streets are busier than it has been for the last month. People enjoying the weather, kids playing, more smiles. It’s an amazing time to visit the city. But the fresh spring winds weren’t the reason he was there.

Shawn was finishing his tour and NY was the place of the last shows he still had to do. Having done a show just yesterday he should be resting now, enjoying the few days off until the next concert but he was not in his hotel bed now. In fact, he was one of the many people walking lazily on the streets.

Even if he was appreciating the feeling of the sun on his skin, the heat wasn’t the reason he was up this hour when he had so many other things to do. The atelier that was now only a block away from him was his goal. He first heard about the artist by his friend, Taylor, when he was on the backstage of one of her shows. She told him about this painting she had brought and was painted by this unbelievable artist that could do magic. He thought nothing about it, paintings were not his thing.

But later, when he was at the after party of one of the many awards he goes, he heard a comment about an unbelievable painter in New York, who was gaining fame fast. He got curious this time.

He only needed to hear about the painter one more time to make up his mind in researching them. What do they do that is unbelievable? It was what most bothers him.

You see, it was not the possibility of someone do something extraordinary that made him contemplative but from who he would listen to the word “unbelievable”. They were people who did the unthinkable, who reached the top. For them to say this... it had to be something big.

So there he was. Walking alone in a busy street of the Big Apple, using a white dress shirt rolled by his elbows with black pants and usual black boots. He hoped it was formal enough for the situation. The sunglasses were a poor excuse for a disguise but no one seemed to recognize him or at last no one stopped him but again, it was really early.

When he arrived at the building, he took a moment to admire. It was huge, modern, and fancy. As he approached the glass doors, an employee opened it for him, greeting him with a warm smile, making him feel welcome.

“Good morning, sir. Hope you have an amazing visit” said the man looking genuine. Shawn smiled and murmured a thank you sincerely happy with the welcoming greeting.

Feeling more at ease, he looked around. The only things there was a large black marble balcony where two women and a man were standing behind, a few soft-looking white sofas placed around, two small desks near the sofas and two crystal chandeliers hanging on the ceiling. The floor was light grey and the place looked almost obsessively clean.

Before he thought, he was sent to the elevator (that was playing Garota de Ipanema in a calm tone) with a badge in his shirt saying Shawn Mendes visitor. The short trip to the next level was enough for him to think this was not what he was expecting. He thought it would be so fancy he would feel an outsider. That those people would only talk about art he doesn’t understand and look at him with disgusted faces. But, instead, he was feeling welcomed and was enjoying everything. Lost in thoughts, he blinked a few times when he heard the ding of the elevator bringing him back to reality.

The atelier was wondrous. It was all white with paintings on all the walls. They were colorful and all the frames were gold. There were thin walls in the middle of the large room with more paintings and maybe twenty people observing and talking in low voice. The chandeliers here were bigger and prettier. The place was well illuminated and a soft tone of classical music could be heard as a background. The atmosphere was calming, relaxing even and Shawn instantly feels as if he was in a safe place.

For the next thirty minutes or so, he walked around and saw every painting in the way. Read the description, looked and tried to understand what was there. He doesn’t even worried about time, he was involved by their stories and technique. They were so realistic and at the same time, you wouldn’t confuse it with a photo because it looked, in fact, like a painting, a very talented one. Shawn was speechless.

As entranced as he was, Shawn didn’t hear the heels knock on the floor softly as if to not disturb anyone and he did not notice the proud girl standing beside him.

“ 'Mondo Della Luna’ is one of my personal favorites.” Said the girl startling Shawn, who hasn’t noticed her there yet. He looked to his right and saw a girl that should have his age, her hair was in an elegant ponytail, almost none make up, only in her eyes and soft pink lips. They look very kissable, Shawn was surprised with his own thoughts. He sure noticed how gorgeous she was, but wasn’t expecting this kind of thinking.

“The picture you are looking at, it’s called ‘Mondo Della Luna’” she said mistaking his lack of response with confusion.

"Oh, yeah, the painting," Shawn said beating himself up for looking like a fool, "it is amazing. Everything here is." And he honestly thinks so. He looked again at the painting, seeing a street in Italy, with a perfect view of a big and bright moon. He feels like he was there. It was breathtaking.

"Well, thank you mister Mendes. Are you enjoying your visit?" She smiled and he swears he could feel his heart beating erratically at the vision.

"Yes, this place is not what I thought an atelier would look like. It is so much better." He expressed his opinions looking around again. “And please, call me Shawn.” He added. Her smile grew bigger and he could hear her lovely giggle.

“Well Shawn,” she made a pause as to show she used his first name, "it is not the first time I hear this. People appear to think painting should be something so fancy that only a few rich people would like and understand. But I like to think that art is available to all those who are interested enough. I am glad you gave it an opportunity before judging completely. It's more than some would do." She seemed genuinely pleased with his presence there and he wondered who she was.

"So... Y/N," he said looking at her badge that only had her first and last name, "you work here?" he asked and heard her chuckle.

"I am the painter." she pointed around with her hand and laughed softly.

With his eyes wide and agape, he waited to see with she would tell him she was just kidding, but it was not the case. "I was expecting someone older" he tried to explain his expression before she had bad conclusions. She appeared so young to have such a big curriculum in her area.

"I was lucky to find out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life when I was just a kid. It helped to gain knowledge, experience and finally recognition at such a young age." She explained and he was mesmerized with the woman before him.

"Well, this I can understand. I feel the same way, but my art is music." He was ashamed of admitting that he wanted her to acknowledge him. He wanted to impress her as much as she impressed him if it was possible.

"You are a musician? Really? This is amazing." He wondered if her eyes could be any more bright than they were at that moment. But felt a bit frustrated that she didn't seem to know who he was.

"Yes, I am in the city for the last shows of my tour actually. Maybe you saw an ad about it somewhere..." he stopped himself before it was too obvious what he was doing, but unfortunately for him, she understood.

"Oh, I am sorry, I don't hear any music done this century. It probably is the best for you." She laughed as if it was a joke, but quickly explained when she saw his confused face, "Every musician I hear has already died at least twenty years ago. So don't take it to heart." She giggled again making Shawn feel proud of himself for being the reason she does so.

"I won't take any offense if I get to have a tour, with you telling me what was in this head of yours when you painted these pictures." He was feeling brave and decided to give it a try. It should be his lucky day when she narrowed her eyes and inclined her head like she was thinking but laugh playfully.

"Okay, I really feel bad for not knowing your art, so I will at last show you mine. Let's start with 'The Lost Girl'." And they went around the atelier, looking at every picture. While she explained to him what she painted he would only watch her in awe that someone could be so effortlessly beautiful and so passionate about something. She wanted to know his impressions too, what he thought about them, what he saw, and she was amazed at how he could create a story for every picture, how creative his mind was, and words came so easily out of his mouth that she was fascinated.

They had talked so much about art that both of them forgot the time. When they finished all the pictures it was past noon and he needed to come back to his hotel. But he didn't want to go without a memory of that day and more importantly, a memory of her, so he bought a painting. 'The shape of love'.

He chose the one she told him she loved the most and the one they spent more time admiring. It was his favorite. He didn't even think twice about the price, just brought it. She was surprised when he told her he would buy it, and her smile was so big he wanted to take a photo and admire her forever. He wondered why there weren't any pictures of her in that walls, seeing that she was the true masterpiece there.

He waved her goodbye and walked back to his hotel, with a big smile in his face, rosy cheeks, and his heart feeling lighter than in a long time. In his mind, there was only one thing: her smile. The unique thing he could think about was when he would see her again. He hoped it would be soon. And he hoped she would be a part of his life. He was already thinking about an excuse to visit her again, and he prayed it would work.

Tomorrow he would come back, and suddenly twenty-four hours seemed like a lifetime. But now he understands, she truly is unbelievable.

Please, reblog if you enjoyed it. ❤️

Broken Doll (part 2) >

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfiction #shawn mendes fluff #shawn mendes x y/n #shawn mendes x reader #shawn mendes masterlist #painter!reader #artist!reader #shawn mendes oneshot #fanfiction

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mayuamakura · 4 years ago

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Dear Brazil,

Of my many trips to South America, I’ve never had the occasion to visit you. Most were to the Andes Mountains, to observe the magnificent southern skies via an international consortium of high-tech telescopes. But I’ve nonetheless thought about you quite often.

As a native of the United States of America, I know what we casually think about you. In no particular order, you’ve got the world’s largest, and most important rain forest. You’ve got the world’s most massive river, every minute, draining into the Atlantic Ocean a volume of water that would fill a football stadium. And yes, we knew about your river and rain forest long before Amazon.com borrowed the name.

Want more? Nobody doesn’t love Brazil nuts. In fact, in the USA, we have to spring for the “premium” package to get them in our mixed nuts. And even those among us who barely follow soccer know of your famous football teams, fully expecting to see you in the final rounds of the World Cup every four years. We also know about your stunning beaches because they’ve appeared in song—“The Girl/Boy from Ipanema” among them. We know about your religious festivals, Mardi Gras especially, as we attempt to imitate the intensity and joy of those celebrations—in dance and in music—on our side of the hemisphere. We know about your coffee. And I, for one, love your flag. It’s got a slice of the night sky on it; no fewer than two-dozen stars, each retrace authentic constellations, the Southern Cross included.

So, if you asked any of us in the USA what we think when your name gets mentioned, we typically draw from that list.

You know what we don’t notice? Half the time we fly a regional jet between cities, on American Airlines and other carriers, we board an Embraer to do so. Sure, the safety card says Embraer on it. We might even find the name in small print somewhere on the fuselage. But hardly any of us knows that the airplane is designed and built in Brazil. You could boast “Brazilian Engineering” but you don’t. Why not? Germany has no hesitation embracing that claim. But, of course, they’ve earned it. Everyone knows the quality of German-engineered products, which happens to infuse their aerospace economy, the third largest in the world.

But wait. One of the greatest pioneers in early aviation was Brazilian. A brilliant and inventive engineer who was highly decorated in his time, Alberto Santos-Dumont guided the world’s transition from lighter-than-air to heavier-than-air transportation. The value of such cultural seeds, planted at the birth of an industry, may be incalculable. A century later, you have become a leader in biofuel technologies—a key step towards a green economy where our harmony with nature will determine whether we thrive, survive, or go extinct. You also have an ambitious space agency, and you are the sixth largest aerospace industry in the world. In Latin America, you are also a leader in IT. And in a country famous for its agriculture, nearly a third of your economy rides on the back of a tech-infused manufacturing sector.

So maybe it’s time the world knew more about this. Maybe it’s time Brazilians knew more about this. Maybe you are overdue for displaying products that declare: “Engineered in Brazil.”

Whatever else is, or is not, true in the world, tomorrow’s growth economies—even those that may be purely agricultural—will pivot on today’s investments in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. In a democracy, these investments flow from a scientifically literate electorate that chooses enlightened leaders who know and understand the value of education, of exploration, and discovery. Without these perspectives, we’d all still be living in caves, with fellow dwellers grunting: “You can’t explore outside. First you must solve our cave problems.”

Lest anyone forget, the first (and only) South American astronaut, an aeronautical engineer, was Brazilian. And when did he launch? In 2006, the centennial year of Santos-Dumont’s first successful airplane. And what did he bring to space with him? The Brazilian Flag, and a jersey from your national football team.

Countries that struggle the most in the world tend to be those with low education levels and an absence of STEM in their culture. You have the resources and the legacy to lead all of Latin America, if not the world, in what a country of tomorrow should be—in what a country of tomorrow should aspire to.

If you embrace and bolster your STEM industries—and the entire tech sector—then the dreams of students in the educational pipeline will have no limit, as they enter a world where rockets are what fuel people’s ambitions as they exit the cave door.

Respectfully Submitted,

Neil deGrasse Tyson

United States of America

PT-BR

Caro Brasil,

Das minhas muitas viagens à América do Sul, nunca tive a oportunidade de visitar você. A maioria delas teve como destino a cordilheira dos Andes, com o objetivo de observar o magnífico céu do hemisfério sul através de telescópios de alta tecnologia de um consórcio internacional. Mas, mesmo assim, tenho pensado em você com bastante frequência.

Como nativo dos Estados Unidos da América, sei em que costumamos pensar quando se trata de você. Não seguindo uma ordem específica, você possui a maior e mais importante floresta tropical do mundo. Você abriga o maior rio do mundo, que, a cada minuto que passa, escoa para o oceano Atlântico um volume de água que daria para encher um estádio de futebol. E, sim, nós sabíamos da existência de seu rio e de sua floresta tropical muito antes de a Amazon.com pegar o nome emprestado.

Quer mais? Não há quem não goste de castanha-do-brasil. Na verdade, nos EUA, nós precisamos pagar pelo pacote “premium” para que elas venham incluídas em nossos mix de castanhas. E mesmo aqueles de nós que quase não acompanham futebol sabem da existência de seus times famosos, ficando na maior expectativa de ver você na final da Copa do Mundo a cada quatro anos. Também sabemos das suas praias deslumbrantes pelas músicas que as cantam—a “Garota de Ipanema” sendo uma delas. Sabemos de suas festas populares, principalmente o Carnaval, e tentamos imitar a intensidade e a alegria dessas celebrações—com dança e música—aqui no nosso hemisfério. Sabemos do seu café. E eu, particularmente, amo a sua bandeira. Há um pedaço do céu noturno estampado nela; mais de duas dezenas de estrelas retraçam constelações autênticas, incluindo o Cruzeiro do Sul.

Então, se você perguntasse a qualquer um de nós nos EUA o que vem à nossa cabeça quando seu nome é mencionado, normalmente selecionaríamos algo a partir dessa lista.

Você sabe do que nós não nos damos conta? Metade das vezes que embarcamos em voos domésticos, da American Airlines ou de outras companhias aéreas, viajamos num avião da Embraer. Tudo bem, o folheto com instruções de segurança traz impresso nele o nome Embraer. Nós podemos até achar Embraer escrito em letras miúdas em algum lugar da fuselagem. Mas quase nenhum de nós sabe que a aeronave é projetada e fabricada no Brasil. Você poderia alardear “Tecnologia Brasileira,” mas não o faz. Por que não? A Alemanha não hesita em se gabar da dela. Nada mais justo, claro. Todo mundo conhece a qualidade dos produtos fabricados na Alemanha, que, por sua vez, permeiam sua economia aeroespacial, a terceira maior do mundo.

Mas, espere. Um dos grandes pioneiros nos primórdios da aviação era brasileiro. Engenheiro brilhante e inventivo, altamente condecorado, Alberto Santos-Dumont liderou a transição mundial do transporte aéreo mais leve que o ar para o mais pesado que o ar. O valor de uma semente cultural como essa, plantada no nascimento de uma indústria, é incalculável. Um século depois, você se tornou líder em tecnologias de biocombustíveis—um passo fundamental em direção a uma economia verde onde nossa harmonia com a natureza vai determinar se iremos prosperar, sobreviver ou nos extinguir. Você também possui uma ambiciosa agência espacial, além de ser a sexta maior indústria aeroespacial do mundo. Na América Latina, você também é líder em Tecnologia da Informação. E num país famoso por sua agricultura, quase um terço de sua economia se apoia num setor produtivo impregnado de tecnologia.

Então talvez seja a hora de o mundo saber mais a respeito disso. Talvez seja a hora de os brasileiros saberem mais sobre isso. Talvez esteja mais do que na hora de você exibir produtos que declarem: “Fabricado no Brasil.”

Seja o que mais for, ou não, verdade no mundo, as economias de crescimento do futuro—mesmo as que possam ser puramente agrícolas—vão girar em torno dos investimentos feitos hoje em ciência, tecnologia, engenharia e matemática. Numa democracia, esses investimentos fluem de um eleitorado letrado cientificamente, que elege líderes esclarecidos e que entendem o valor da educação, das pesquisas e das descobertas. Sem essas perspectivas, ainda estaríamos vivendo em cavernas, com alguns de nós resmungando: “Você não pode explorar o mundo exterior. Primeiro precisa resolver os problemas da nossa caverna.”

Para que ninguém se esqueça, o primeiro (e único) astronauta sul-americano foi um engenheiro aeronáutico brasileiro. E quando se deu o lançamento de sua missão? Em 2006, ano do centenário do primeiro avião bem-sucedido de Santos-Dumont. E o que ele levou para o espaço? Uma bandeira do Brasil e uma camisa da seleção brasileira de futebol.

Os países que mais passam por dificuldades no mundo tendem a ser aqueles com baixos níveis de instrução e com ausência de STEM em sua cultura. Você tem os recursos e o legado para liderar toda a América Latina, se não o mundo, no que um país do futuro deveria ser—no que um país do futuro deveria aspirar ser.

Se você abraçar e apoiar suas indústrias STEM—e o setor de tecnologia inteiro—então os sonhos dos alunos em toda a cadeia educacional não terão limites, conforme eles forem introduzidos num mundo em que foguetes são o que alimentam as ambições das pessoas que saem pela porta da caverna.

Atenciosamente,

Neil deGrasse Tyson

Estados Unidos da América

#neil degrasse tyson #brazil #brasil

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feeling-and-form · 6 years ago

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~ love, bossa nova, and all that jazz ~ sultry bossa nova and jazz selections. instrumental & vocal.

[listen here]

1. come to the mardi gras - tito puente. 2. one note samba - tito puente. 3. rio junction - enoch light. 4. a portrait of jenny - don byas (saxophone). 5. feels so good - chuck mangione. 6. the girl from ipanema (garota de ipanema) - lisa ono. 7. c’est si bon - emilie-claire barlow. 8. satin doll - barbra lica with peter appleyard. 9. la vie en rose - sophie milman. 10. speak low - diane shurr. 11. desafinado (slightly out of tune) - debora van langen. 12. in the still of the night - engelbert humperdinck. 13. serenata - sarah vaughn.

#my mix #8tracks #the latin splendor #big band and swing #latin jazz #antonio carlos jobim #marguerite monnot #edith piaf #tito puente #sarah vaughn #lisa ono #engelbert humperdinck

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teamfitgear · 4 years ago

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Is this the Brazilian secret to a Nice Body? – Garota de Ipanema – Green Regimen We are still here in the beautiful city of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Come visit this city. I promise...you will LOVE this place. Here is another apartment where I stayed ... source

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cordeliacrstairs · 6 years ago

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1. Jericoacoara, Ceará, Brazil.

2. Usually in here, but if I had the opportunity to spend it abroad would be fun.

3. Yes! All the eastern part of the country is coastal.

4. Jesus, all of them. But feijoada, pão de queijo, coxinha, maionese and baião de dois are my top list.

5. The Girl From Ipanema (Garota de Ipanema) is the classic one but Me Beija Com Raiva by Jão.

6. Jenifer by Gabriel Diniz, basically every funk song.

7. Saudade, mano, amo.

8. Not really, at school, we learn A LOT about other countries and cultures at history and sociology class.

9. Maybe French Guiana or Colombia.

10. Caralho.

11. Poet: Vinicius de Moraes. Writer: Machado de Assis and Clarice Lispector (she’s Ukranian but was raised here so...)

12. They still great(?) but of course, it has more sense and the raw emotion in its original language.

13. Tons of them! You can’t have milk and mango at the same time. If you leave your shoes with the sole up your mom will die. After a funeral you can’t stay at home with the same clothes, take them off and wash them immediately. If your hand is itching you will get money. Knock three time at a wooden surface to push bad things away. There’s more, but I think that’s enough lol.

14. I’m not used to watching national movies, cause mainly part of the ones that are available in the movie theater are comedies and I’m not very into it, but if I ever have the opportunity to watch movies from other genres I certainly will. Nacional TV consist of soap novels and idk, I don’t feel like it, whatsoever they’re great and a huge market in here.

15. Me processa caralho. Mano do céu. Nem que a vaca tussa.

16. Every single person I know is used to the Brazilian women stereotype, not all of us have big butts and boobs, we’ve uncountable types of bodies because Brazil is one of the has the most mixed races of all. The one stereotype I agree with is that we’re really loud and warm.

17. Brazilian history is pretty new, “started” in late 1400 and early 1500, when the portugueses “discovered” the new world. There’s a very small amount of knowledge of what happened in Brazil before that. But is a pretty sad story, so not really cool study 322 hundred years of slavery and exploration of our native soil.

18. Well, here in Brazil we speak Portuguese, American Portuguese and I have a paulistano (who was born in São Paulo) accent, cause I was born and raised here.

19. I get a little emotional when I listen to our national anthem with attention and is so beautiful when in soccer games with foreign countries we sing ALL together to it, wow. I love our flag, it’s so different from the others, unique.

20. You’ll be shook. Brazil = Soccer (FOOTBALL OKAY)

21. A flower and a agogô (Brazilian instrument)

22. I’m proud of our diversity, of people, flora, and fauna. Also of our warmness, the way we welcome people and treat them. However, I feel super ashamed of our extra violent behavior and the way we kill our nature so quickly.

23. There’s beer, which is very common but caipirinha and cachaça are THE ONES.

24. Argentina(?) I guess. BUT WE LOVE YOU GUYS, it’s a football brawl, not serious at all.

25. As a child I used to think so, not anymore, I’m very proud to be Brazilian and speak the so hard language that Portuguese is. We have our flaws and problems but every country has.

26. They always portrait us as a very party, free and hot people, don’t disagree with them at all.

27. Gisele Bündchen (just kidding), well, Morena Baccarin and Fernanda Montenegro maybe. There’s Bruna Marquezina as well, she’s cool.

28. We’re one of the countries with most hydric resources available, so yes, we have a lot of lakes and rivers, but mountains, we don’t have any. My favorite river is (pretends to be surprised) Amazon River.

29. Not really, São Paulo and Rio de Janeiro have some silly fights but it’s internet stuff and not really important, like the Biscoito and Bolacha situation (É BOLACHA), in Rio they say Biscoito and in Sampa we say bolacha. (That means cookie in English btw)

30. My newborn cousin is Australian!! And I have a half-cousin and a cousin that are Swedish.

“hi, I’m not from the US” ask set

given how Americanized this site is, it’s important to celebrate all our countries and nationalities - with all their quirks and vices and ridiculousness, and all that might seem strange to outsiders.

1. favourite place in your country?

2. do you prefer spending your holidays in your country or travel abroad?

3. does your country have access to sea?

4. favourite dish specific for your country?

5. favourite song in your native language?

6. most hated song in your native language?

7. three words from your native language that you like the most?

8. do you get confused with other nationalities? if so, which ones and by whom?

9. which of your neighbouring countries would you like to visit most/know best?

10. most enjoyable swear word in your native language?

11. favourite native writer/poet?

12. what do you think about English translations of your favourite native prose/poem?

13. does your country (or family) have any specific superstitions or traditions that might seem strange to outsiders?

14. do you enjoy your country’s cinema and/or TV?

15. a saying, joke, or hermetic meme that only people from your country will get?

16. which stereotype about your country you hate the most and which one you somewhat agree with?

17. are you interested in your country’s history?

18. do you speak with a dialect of your native language?

19. do you like your country’s flag and/or emblem? what about the national anthem?

20. which sport is The Sport in your country?

21. if you could send two things from your country into space, what would they be?

22. what makes you proud about your country? what makes you ashamed?

23. which alcoholic beverage is the favoured one in your country?

24. what other nation is joked about most often in your country?

25. would you like to come from another place, be born in another country?

26. does your nationality get portrayed in Hollywood/American media? what do you think about the portrayal?

27. favourite national celebrity?

28. does your country have a lot of lakes, mountains, rivers? do you have favourites?

29. does your region/city have a beef with another place in your country?

30. do you have people of different nationalities in your family?

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am-flying-solo · 8 years ago

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OOC WEEK: Day Two

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN

(I'm so excited for this one, it's so rare for me to be able to tell gringos about my culture and my country ok, I'm sorry in advance for the amount of videos and links I'm gonna throw here.)

What country are you from?

The big political mess that is Brazil. Born and raised! I'm originally from Fortaleza, in the northeast, one of the poorest regions in the country, known for: its amazing beaches, sex tourism for wealthy gross foreigners and the severe droughts during most of the year. I moved to Brasília, the capital, when I was seven. It's a planned city known for having a desert/savannah climate, lots of politicians and modern architecture (by Oscar Niyemeyer). Now I live in São Paulo, the country's biggest urban center. Who knows where I might go next?

What is your first language? Do you speak any other languages?

My first language is Portuguese. I also speak English (well, obviously) and some Spanish.

What language would you like to learn?

SO MANY. Ok, first maybe German or Russian, but I'd also like to learn French at some point. I've been practicing ASL online, as well as LIBRAS (Brazilian sign language), but it may take me a while.

What’s one movie from your country that you like (or recommend others see)?

This is a hard question, because there are so many that I'd like people to watch, but I can't even find subtitled trailers for most of them on youtube, so bear with me. The most well-known Brazilian movie may be CITY OF GOD. It's gotten a few Oscars and it was a hit on Cannes back in 2002. It's such a gritty, violent reflex of life in the slums of Rio. Most of the actors weren't even properly trained actors, they were real people from the community in which the movie is set. It makes the film even more authentic. Those people are acting out their real lives on screen.

Another big favorite is the drama/dark comedy STOMACH - A GASTRONOMIC STORY. It tells the twisted tale of an amazing cook, with a clever twist - he's in prison. It's funny and dark, with an unexpected ending.

If you're bored and you have access to Netflix, you might want to check out 3%, the new Brazilian dystopian sci-fi series that offers an interesting latin american take on a genre that's been predominantly american for ages.

I can literally spend all day making movie lists to suggest, someone stop me.

Pick a song from your country (or in your language) and talk about why you like it

Again, there's so many! But these are some of my favorites:

PANIS ET CIRCENCES by OS MUTANTES, a post-modern critique of the apathy of the bourgeoisie:

youtube

CONSTRUÇÃO (Construction) by CHICO BUARQUE, a neo-concrete poem about the ordinary tragedy in the life of a common construction worker who dies on the job, and a social critique about the hardship of the working class:

youtube

And the more recent AMOR MARGINAL by JOHNNY HOOKER, literally translated to "Delinquent Love", a song about love affairs on the margins of society.

youtube

Pick a classic song from your country - aka one that everyone knows, one that’s representative of your country, etc

The most well known Brazilian song is probably GAROTA DE IPANEMA (Girl From Ipanema) BY TOM JOBIM AND VINÍCIUS DE MORAES. A classic Bossa Nova song so iconic that Frank Sinatra himself has recorded a cover:

youtube

The song that represents my northeastern roots and the place I'm proud to call home, however, is ASA BRANCA (White Wing - it's a type of bird) by LUIS GONZAGA. It's about the long droughts, the plight of the field workers that had to leave the countryside for better opportunities as their cattle and the harvest died, and the hope that the first rain would bring:

youtube

What’s a book from your country (or in your language) that you’d recommend?

The first book that comes to mind, and the most inherently brazilian piece of literature for me, is GRANDE SERTÃO VEREDAS, known in english as THE DEVIL TO PAY IN THE BACKLANDS, by GUIMARÃES ROSA. It's widely considered one of the most important south american books of all times, though it's no easy read.

check it out HERE.

It tells the story of Riobaldo, a mercenary in the dawn of the 20th century that, upon reaching old age, decides to tell his story. It's got everything. Outlaws, war, death, a deal with the devil, homoerotic subtext, you name it.

What’s your favourite childhood story from your country or culture?

Since we're all about werewolves here, I'm going to tell y'all the werewolf story every Brazilian child was told. Unlike the european tradition, in Brazil, a werewolf (we call it Lobisomem) is believed to be the seventh son after six girls. Most stories say they transform on Fridays at midnight on a crossroad, and they can only turn back if they return to that same crossroad at dawn. Some stories say they must cross seven cemeteries before the day breaks to be able to return to human form. They're bloodthirsty and they're said to be specially fond of eating unbaptized babies, which prompted people to baptize their kids as fast as they could.

If you kill a werewolf when they're transformed, they'll return to human form, so you'll end up with no proof that the man you just killed was a Lobisomem. But if you know who he is, and say his name before he expires, he'll stay in wolf form.

Talk about a tradition from your country or culture that you love celebrating:

Definitely the Festa de São João (Feast of Saint John). It's celebrated on June (usually around the 24th, but it's such a big deal that it happens all over the month), and it's similar to a county fair. There's folk music, square dances, games, a big bonfire and lots of delicious food - mostly corn based. So much corn. People dress up, it's great. It looks like this:

Fave food from your country/culture:

THIS IS TOO HARD. But I'll go with FEIJOADA. It's basically this big ass stew of black beans and pork (usually ribs, bacon, ears, tongue, feet, tail - whatever you wanna throw in), sausage and bay leaves. We eat it with rice, kale with butter and orange slices. It's the best thing ever, I promise.

Best season of the year in your country?

To be honest our seasons here are like hot, hotter, hot as fuck and hellfire. We don't get four defined seasons in tropical countries. I like winter because it's usually less hot. Usually.

What’s one thing that you wish you could change about your country? Why?

Politics. I'm sorry guys, I'm gonna get super political here for a moment: our political system is bred and based on corruption since our colony days, we just suffered a coup d'etat, and we're drowning in economical neoliberalism, which is crushing our already overworked, underfed working force. We're still licking our wounds from 30 years of a bloody military dictatorship. We live to work while our politicians live in luxury, and a brutal military police exterminates people in the slums with no accountability. We're the number one in LGBTQ murders IN THE WORLD, which makes me feel for my safety constantly. We're a dystopian future already.

Down with capitalism, I'm all for the revolution.

What’s one thing that you’re proud of about your country?

You see, I struggle with this, because I'm deeply involved with politics and sometimes I just feel hopeless about it all. But if anything, I'm proud of my people's artistic sensibility. From oppression, we've created amazing art, we've fought censorship and torture and exile and we still had the heart to create. That's no easy feat.

Name a country you’d like to visit.

ALL OF THEM. But uh, Ukraine.

Top three cities you’d like to visit:

Chernobyl, Paris, Koshu.

What’s the best place in your country that you’ve ever visited?

Ouro Preto! A historical city in Minas Gerais, full of old buildings, old mines that you can visit, pretty rocks and hills. There are almost no cars on the streets, and the streets are all made of cobblestone, and it's like it has stopped in time. It's amazing.

Have you ever been abroad (out of your country)? If so, where did you go?

Nope. I have no money. Help.

What are some myths or stereotypes about your country or culture that are either true or are false?

Well, we're known for three things: soccer, carnival and beaches. We are totally crazy about soccer, I won't deny it. Carnaval is also a huge deal. Seriously, it's said the year doesn't start until after Carnaval, because January is all about the prepping for the extended holiday/big fucking parties. Beaches are also amazing. Those are all true.

We don't, however, live in the jungle. I promise. Don't believe the Simpsons, we don't have monkeys roaming the city either. And no, J.K. Rowling, we don't mysterious golden ruins in the middle of the rainforest, try Ecuador, maybe. And we're not all about sex. Brazilian women are often horribly over sexualized by foreigners.

And that's your overly-long rant about Brazil!

De nada!

#ooc week #day two #THIS IS SO FUCKING LONG I AM SO SORRY #I GOT CARRIED AWAY #i never get to talk about brazil ever #but well there you have it i guess

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chaoscrystals · 7 years ago

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Every note in my phone 23

I think its hard to have mixed DNA white with anything. sometimes I want to cry becauuse I share the colonizers blood. That's some white guilt. I guess you don't realize how much your silence is hurting my feelings. I guess we need to talk because i don't understand how you can be so very interested in me and getting me to go to you. Then I do and it feels like relief. The night is over and I go about my way, I send you messages because I want to see you and talk to you more, maybe you feel my neediness but suddenly all the enthusiasm is gone. Did I hurt you in some way? Can I make it better? Or are you really just keeping your distance? I don't understand. Im trying to. So I guess we should talk? Unless you don't want to Which is fine But it's not fine if you act like you do when you don't. Is it because I'm needy and awkward? Is it because I hold on to awkwardness longer than i need to? Is it my self defense? Why am I so interesting up until the point when I know I want you? Then its nothing Did I hurt you? Because this is really hurting me I want to kill myself. Maybe you really would be better off with tuli. Who am I to stand in your way. Why won't you talk to me now? I'm gonna cry ** Dear Michael, This is the second letter. I find myself overly concerned with what you're thinking about me. I'm really worried that you aren't ever going to love me and maybe you don't even like me. I really need someone right now. I really need something out of you. Why do you vanish when I want you so badly? Its almost like you don't want to see my neediness. That idea hurts me. Am i not Trying hard enough? ** Its causle I'm not helping and no ones helping me process my feelings no one believes me ** My dad Image of perfection A lot of emotions and water A lot of food and emotional duress, stress, pressure I wish every man was my dad I can't focus I want to touch little kids I want to smoke cigarettes and drink beer This music is intoxicating Every man wants her And so I want her Young I want to run her hands Run my hands up her shirt Michael I feel lonely Listen to me whine about it Jonathan doesn't love me Nothing is ever going to make it better And to top it off I lost you Lets go on a date Lets go somewhere Lets forget about it And fantasize about what it would be like if we had it True love Everlasting love and glory Falling on the floor Pushing out a baby ** What to do today: Email shrine Die Excercise I guess not clean shit Regret life as a whole Die again I wish someone was watching me Not everything can be poetry I wish it would all go away The images im going to hold in my heart today are this: Ryan finding a home Going on a trip ** I fucked Ariel again I liked it but I didn't like it He didn't hit me hard enough The second time I wasn't really feeling it And I know why but I was too embarrassed to say Because I don't want to fuck them out of sheer pleasure, but because I think if I have sex with them then we have a bond I liked fucking Michael better Maybe he just needs to get better at it I need to charge my phone I don't want to have no self worth. I just wanna watch it die. My phone. The internet is breeding a new wave of shorthand, of short comments. Why does it feel so bad but I want it If I really only want him for whatever "connection" I get/he has, I can't have that relationship because it wouldnt feel right. If I don't really like him. Hah. I'm not even sure of my own motives. I wanna watch it die. I'm breathing in breeding Brooding Babying If I was only f February 18th 2018 7:42 pm I wish it was that easy, the admission "I love you" and the instant bond. Its not easy. Telling someone I loves them was never easy and it never works for me..see she doesn't judge me. You judge me. Ariel judges me It hurts. My kidneys. Cross-eyed dizzy clumsy fingers February 19th 2018 10:29 Am You could have had Jonathan but you too weak to hold on to a man You have no self worth Today is my dads birthday ** Things I need Drum shit (heads, stands, cymbals, hi hat clutch, throne) Guitar case Focus ** A lot about the way you objectify and present to people, your confidence is one particle, and I need someone else to see, Can I trust myself February 13th 2018 7:17 pm I really hope he reads this one day Breathe I really didn't get a chance to network with you yet, hi my name is Nova lets change the course of the future...lets install solar panels, lets pay the artists more than we pay ourselves Lets be ourselves I keep thinking about juliets show. Thinking I wanted to go but like...resisting it too. I'm so distracted. I want to go cause I think maybe ill see Jonathan. Ill see juno and Juliet but mostly. . I want to see Jonathan. Can I re orient myself so..I don't have to go today but we can still be friends? Should I keep it up? Should I keep hoping its all gonna come up and ill finally have my love. I'm doing magic. I'm practicing spells. I can't control him. He didn't want that. He didn't like it. Or...somewhere he liked it but...didn't wanna admit it I'm just wondering, what's the best decision, what can I do to strengthen my community, or my sense of self, or what can I do to get a new pipe, what can I do that's inspired, am I just fooling everyone because they have a crush on me? Am I hibernating for the winter? With the end of the winter came the end of my obsession with Jonathan February 14th 2018. 9:21 pm I spent about 2 and a half hours wondering whether I should head out to Brooklyn or not. I've decided to just let it go because I feel tired, which is partly because I smoked indica a few times today, god I'm a lowlife, and because my mom just gave me a big chunk of cash so I am kind of okay on money, and I'm getting my period in a few days, and I feel tired and sick and depressed and I want to eat and be alone and watch gossip girl. Yeah that's a lot for a simple decision. But that's how I feel And I'm messaging Michael on the side. No skin to skin contact. I want it to be real and I want him to not smoke and not drink. I can't change him. I can't change anyone. I only have myself for now. This is taking such a long time to achieve. A whole year back from brazil and I'm only just now feeling okay getting out of bed.do I get a free passed to be depressed for my mental illness and my eating disorder? Do I get a free pass to skip out on participating in society because of my sickness? Do I need to show you my card? No? My back hurts. Is that okay? I mean I already did it so I might as well sink into it. The warmth surrounding my spine, the warmth from laying down with nowhere to go. Under the blankets in my dusty room. Overturning seasons are gonna shift me, maybe catapult me out of bed, get something new into my head and heart, a fresh start, turning seasons clashing winds I'm stoned ** I swept in with a green arm from my heart, I recently became alarmed, i lived for good hearted cheats ** There were once 4 friends There were 6 friends 8 friends To begin With a heart wrenching grin, something I've never felt before, raw, fresh brain and blood, carrots and celery Fresh frequency vibration, fresh obsession To begin to let him in, I catch the initial impulse to grin and to do things that make me giggle, how can this be? We wanted it so badly. We were going to win it I'm tired I failed I'm broken We wanted it so badly So desperately The longing sure brought distance, confusion and dismay The distance brought more distance And that's the way it stayed It wasn't ready yet There were fruit trees and global warming superfoods, stress relieving teas, tincture and oils, it was the place of your dreams. There was no more running around. It was an oasis. The hardest drug was white sugar Old vibrations I was violated like every woman has been I didn't let false memories in This is what was going to kill him The guilt, dismay and distance, The stark madness of his bloodline The starved for attention side The not-quite-as starved for attention side Old distractions Old veils of lace collecting dust in a wooden house. The dust is overwhelming. ** Yeah I had a vision It was self serving I had an intuition And that was self serving too I had a charitable notion That made me feel good I wanted to wail, sing, scream, cry and collapse I wonder how it sounds joyously If joy was the secret ingredient Please be safe Yeah I had a vision I had to go back to the beginning To be a single serving Single cell Alone and lonely Alone but not lonely Waiting for the train Waiting for the performances to start I had a charitable notion And it fit in perfectly with the rhythms I had come to know as the "Rhythms of life" That resonate inside and out I'm lonely and it sinks into my body ** Performance 2/9 Garota de ipanema Linha de frente Je cherche un homme So sei dancar com voce Love me or leave me Blue skies God bless the child The very thought of you Moi je joue (?) Corazon culpable Ok ok Help me I love her red hair I love kanes strangeness I'm falling in love with Jonathan's friends I come from Kansas I come from the desert I've come to find you We were meant to be together Ok help my comment ** I have horrible boundaries sometimes. It would have been easy to feed off me but I ran to hide away and at least bleed in peace February 8 12:04 am Why do I miss Ariel and Michael and these men that can just drop me Why do I even care? February 8 8:41 am My body is all out of whack. I'm holding my shit in so they can test it at the doctors and see if I still have a parasite..I hope its okay. My man he song he don't love me I wonder what size my waist is now Shit 110 pounds 85 pounds. No, i don't want to be helpless. But I am helpless. Its gonna eat me. I'm gonna hardly eat I feel like I can't stop. Am I eating disorder again or is this healthy...? Don't go under 100 12:42 pm They wouldn't see me cause ibdont have insurance I have Michael and spirit guides In my pocket Wrapped around string on my finger Fingertips are red Distractions. Retract exact upset perfect worth it 110 85 countdown crap I'm psycho again, I'm slurring my words, someone take me away, I'm sinking, what do I want? What will i take away? I want bread and sea salt. Potassium chloride Distractions SiO2 Fe4 February 9 2018 Still obsessed with Jonathan. And Michael. But more so Jonathan. And duke. But mostly Jonathan I have some questions: Is it because he is actually perfect for me...or am I losing it and projecting all my fantasies on him. I want to be seen as someone with power, as a queen, as a solid entertainer, sometimes a recluse... I don't... I had a dream what was just me holding him for a long time. I loved that feeling. My whole life I'm just afraid that I'm imagining things! Still. After all these years, I'm still having problems because I think I'm imagining things I perceive. Every note was right, every notion was right. Im going to find you. I sniffed him out, I did it, I really fucking did it, I knew who I wanted to see and I found them by following my heart. .. It feels so mystical to me Okay. So I need to know if its me he was dreaming of as a teenager. That's something i might be imagining? I love feeling his feelings and hearing him. I think it's really sad that my insecurities are blocking me off from getting to know him. In holding myself back for a few reasons. I feel like I always set myself up for and expect heartbreak. So why try right? Sigh. Wrong. It was worth it to watch them play and talk and learn about him. He's water and I'm fire What is the point of this even happening? Its flushing to the surface all my obsessive thoughts and jealousy. I don't know if I'm going to be okay. Because its not just allegra, its not just ali or Rowan or Celeste, its all of them, and me thinking about it is probably just going to make it happen. I'm anticipating this tragedy. I want to eat. I want to understand, because it's not just Jonathan Edelstein its every man. Why I become fixated, and I need them to satisfy my every whim and just...be like me. But I want to be like him. I really like how they accept me. I like the memories from the summer of going to his shows to gauge his reactions to me and find out if it was worth it. I like my memory of kissing him outside terra firma. I could swim in it, I could swim in the anticipation and knowing it was going to happen before it happened, and deciding that night would be the night I kissed them again. I want to go home and have someone else in my bed.. I'm swimming in my fantasies I like my memory of making out at the glove. And feeling clumsy. And feeling him. My heart.... I wonder what they're thinking about. And I'm uncovering all these desires i had that I wasnt aware of. All these scars and blisters I thought were just a part of my personality are taking on new meaning. I don't know. This is fun but I can't help but think the relationship is doomed. I'm too in my head, too paranoid and schizophrenic to be able to have a real relationship, I'm too demanding, and I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to commit to me above everyone else. I'm too demanding. Doomed. My fate is sealed, I will end up in tears. My heart lead me to Jonathan, and my heart is telling me "this is it" This is going to make me cry. It already has. I'm going to want to throw myself in front of a train. I already do. How could it get any worse? It can get worse. I'm going to get frantic if he comes to my show tomorrow. I'm going to vomit. I'm going to vomit up all my thoughts. I'm going to render myself incapable of functioning in mainstream society. I'm going to kill someone. I don't want to believe its doomed to end with me crying. Maybe relationships aren't really like that. Maybe we can just develop together forever and have other partners. What if they fall in love with someone else? I have to accept their decisions. What if they don't fall in love with me? I have to accept their decisions. I'm going to kill someone. Its not me is it? Why am I being this way? This is more extreme than before. I don't want them to be free. I would keep him in a tank in my bedroom. I wish he was like, a ken doll, but still Jonathan. This is going to end badly, im going to get frantic when I see them. How can I establish my position as "someone you want to know" and "someone you come home to" or whatever it is I'm wanting. I feel like I want to wipe out the whole rest of the world so I can be alone with then. I can't do that ** So if I deposit all the cash I have In my room I still won't have enough for the guitar. If I move everything from my venmo and PayPal I think I will have enough.. For the first payment. Then I basically need to have 100 dollars in my bank every month for like, 4 months Is it bad that I still like duke? If I can make the first payment on the guitar then I will be able to have the guitar ** February 4th 2018 SHARE THE SURPLUS SPARE CHANGE PROSPERITY BROKEN TRAIN OF THOUT BROOKLYN DISTRACTION INFATUATION DUKE EMILY JAMES JONATHAN RAIMES I LOVE YOU February 6th 2018 2:11pm Mildew is mold old is not taken care of, nobody cared about me, kassie, duke I wanted them all I wanted their skins and hair. White black brown I dont care. I wanted their skins. 6:35 pm Yea maybe you're thinking everything up. You're feeling everything. Screaming. Staying on task. I just need a hug **January 28 2018 2:49pm About to lose it. Honestly I kind of like the idea of having a breakdown. I kind of want it. I want things to fly out of my control. I'm making myself lose weight again. Hopefully it doesn't get out of hand, but i feel like hope isn't going to be enough for me to keep my grip on being healthy. I have to genuinely want to be healthy. And part of me...doesn't want that....part of me wants to be messed up. And I know why. I know why I see it. I know why I see it, I see myself singing in subway tunnels singing earnest deadbeat artist, I see it I see myself, imagining colors. Help I I I I I I I I I i don't know what to do about this obsession, the same one Its the same. Its because of my family its because of society. I'm exhausted. This ruby around my neck is speaking to me I can't help it I need help I want this desperate feeling more than anything and the desperate feeling Wants me, I must be running low on serotonin But more than serotonin or oxytocin I want friends, I want someone special Help me I need help. Everyone is doing better than me and nobody sees me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck why did I write that letter You know what that's really how I feel. It was that or starve yourself so he'd notice you!!!!! What's wrong with me I think ill do both Help me help me help me 1/29/2018 9:15 am Thank god Maybe I should have not said anything I'm tired See colors flashing See people dancing I'm tired Maybe I should have never written that doctor That letter Need a latte That doctor Need a doctor For my intestines and herniated walls Hemmorhage Hemmorhage Significance February 2nd 2018 10:25 pm Hey duke, hi, you make me nervous, and excited. I still like you. Is that bad? Is that ok? I can't think straight.... Is it bad that I still feel attracted to you? My intestines ** If I tried too hard would you still like me Willl you smile my way will you even give me the time of day My fantasy not easy to please and today I really hope to hold you in my arms And sigh a long time, I'm so tired of life, but boy do you look good under a gray sky I miss you so bad, you were the love I at once had, and I've never truly had. I love you dearly no matter what you say to me, being in your arms is a sugar high. It was never a waste of time Now you're far away again But in my head I can hold you close to my chest I'm writing another love song today Another earnest and yearning Another please notice me kind of melody I can't get it right So I'm not gonna try ** January 27 11:09 am In case you didn't understand what I was saying I'm still really into you I have a crazy theory i will need you to confirm or negate But wait because I don't want to come off so crazy. Maybe its too late for that. I'm not that bad. I could have actually stalked you if I had wanted to and I kind of did but I was never going to follow you to your house. I promise I'm honest. I say what I'm thinking. It would take a lot for me to be that obsessed But relatively I'm still kind of obsessed I'm cringing at myself. Wow. I really kind of spilled my guts to you. I was in disbelief for most of the night. I dont know what the right move for you is or if there even is one. But honestly anything you say to me gets interpreted the same way "He's into me" Because I'm into you Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I always used isolation as my best way to deal with external stressors. What do i even want from you? What do you want from me? I'm starting to get new opinions. I get new opinions every day Everything's my fault Sad songs I'm thinking about fucking you again which means its going to happen unless I completely turn in the opposite direction Honestly I felt just as jealous when I saw you talking to Rowan Maybe not EVERY girl but a lot And I know that's my problem now Anything I understand. Its your nature. You probably talk to everyone like that. God your so accepting and supportive I'm gonna fucking come You're lucky you guys had basements Help me I live in an apartment I can't have a drum set here Once I start making real money I'm going to get a house Anything for my feelings, to feel good, to feel like myself. I digress What's best is nothing I like everything the way it is. I was hoping I could get on your bad side and be rejected but I guess you're not gonna throw me out, I guess you don't really do that to people. That was directed to a person now this is for me January 28 2018 12:43 AM I swear I really think I can hear peoples thoughts when I smoke. Delusions of grandeur? No wonder. I can't help myself. I feel dusty. Literally dusty. I hate society, for a few generations now I guess what it comes out to is where you feel best, you try to escape but there's no rest, you don't listen to new music, you don't know what's right, your aim is off, you're always wrong Your friend is gonna wake up, she's right in front of you, she's me and you ** I'm proud of myself. I'm embarrassed too, but fuck it. My health always comes first. I've come a long way from high school. But I'm becoming cold hearted Jjanuary 26 12:32 Everytung I think of becomes real ** January 23rd Ha oh my god I always want to tell everyone about my eating disorder but I never did but I kind of forced you to read it. I'm still questioning my decisions. I feel like I'm 16. I still feel the same way. Maybe I can be more to the point today. Sometimes I have a hard time looking you in the face. Last night I really wanted to stay longer and just spend all night with you...but I promised my friend she could come over so we can work on songs, and I said yes without thinking, but maybe I should have told her another time cause I wanted you really bad. But I still feel confused. Am I annoying you? You seem to be still loving and I guess I'm not really that used to people reacting that way when i overshare. Which I used to do a lot and it felt draining. I'm sick of it. Honestly I want nothing more in this life to be natural and successful and play good music. That's the only thing that makes me sad about last night. My songs are simple to begin with. Its brendans fault January 24th 2018 7:05pm It keeps Repeating in my head, why did I have to tell him too much? Why did I write Jonathan that letter? Because I wanted to cause a stir and push my limits, I want to get on his bad side if he has one. Because I feel burning in my heart whenever I'm near him Here's another feeling I feel really sad that Ariel dropped me I feel like I'm not good enough for mainstream music I can't be the only one who feels that way I feel his absence Im sad about it. ** Don't come to me when you're feeling stressed. Don't come quacking like A duck. Done come to me sideways or crooked. If you get near me I want you in a state of near perfection, of endless beauty and bountiful energy. January 22 2017 11:47 AM I'm kind of stressed because of relationships. Like I don't know what a healthy relationship is. I don't know what it's like to not have to constantly prove myself. Its exhausting. I don't know what its like to not have sexual advances coming at me all the time, while simultaneously chasing someone who doesn't want me. I'm just chasing the feeling. I'm scared that Jonathan is gonna see that Brendan is into me and that I fucked him and he's gonna think "get me away from her" why am I fighting with myself over my feelings about Jonathan? I don't even know how I really feel. I think he's a twin of mine. And I hate him and love him at the same time ** Angelic realms. Death upon us. Death comes quickly, ripped from earth, its cigarette ashes, its factory smoke. What I wouldn't give to be a child at the zoo right now Angelic realms. Deathwish. Call your angels. Glowing might body me but i don't care because they're next to me and I sleep peacefully. I'm beneath the subtle churning. I'm a worm, I'm an Angel, I'm what its worth the whole universe. I believe in truth and peace and justice. What have you heard? Where are you from? Can you take me back there with you? A lovers job is getting so hard, but not enough for me. Death takes you away from the earth, the dark reaches of the universe become the corners of your bedroom, by comparison, to soothe your human mind. Giving back doesn't take any work when you're a goddess or a god, and everything is your creation. The goodness of creation is beauty and choice, comfort, joy, and ease. ** Songs God bless the child All of me Strange fruit But not for me Blue skies Black coffee Annie Clark Dream a little dream Marry me Body and soul Human racing These days All my stars aligned La boa Garota de ipanema Comofaz So sei dancar com voce Asesina Enamore How can this be Desperation Kidnapped Your life is a lie He is the sun and I am the moon Universal I just wanted you to try me out You only care about how it looks The very thought of you I love you porgy As time goes by Goodnight Irene Where did you sleep last night Anyone else but you Los ageless New York Slow disco Hallelujah House of the rising sun Polly About a girl ** NAME THIS BOOKING COMPANY I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!! ** Remember when I used to spend the night at your house? You were always baking cookies. I was always distracted. Weaving some half Baked string of ideas together. I guess we can feel everything, I can feel all your sadness, see it in your drinking, and your cigarettes, and I see it in knowing you still want to die sometimes. No I don't know why. Blue skies. Slur. ** January 16 2018 There are so many events going on in the city. There must be a big market? Gonna find out. I'm feeling my stagnant energy more than before now. I feel how some parts of me are just stunted and not progressing. Maybe that's why I always fall in love with people who behave in childlike ways 8:51 pm I have a fairly constant urge to be writing. But I trip myself up thinking it has to be beautiful, or it has to be poetic. I'd rather you trust me than to love me. Abuse tactics. The feeling is interesting. Because I do have abusive habits, not extreme but they're there. Before I couldn't recognize the feeling but now i know what it feels like, the hardness, and the dip in energy from the other person. Finally feeling like I have control, feeling desperate beforehand, like I've been walking around with this intense hunger and the only way to satisfy it is to get a man interested or make a woman jealous. I feel it when I do it now... And i don't feel helpless, and I don't feel like I'm a bad person, I feel like I'm hurt, and needy and I'm going to take care of myself until the day I die. Hard feelings. I wish I could always be writing. My greatest hunger is to capture my thoughts in their pure essence so that other people can see them. Why my own thoughts? Because I see myself as a reflection of greater society, I'm a mirror image of everyone who feels like me, and there's hordes of us, who we all feel the same but we haven't ever met yet. Sometimes I have really scary thoughts. Like, I feel terrified. Sometimes I feel scary things on people and I feel terrified. You have to let yourself have the experience with a helmet on. Never follow anyone unless you feel joy! Especialy men. Obligation is not a good enough reason. I want it so badly, I feel so lonely, i want to be with other people all the time Some unholy obligation I wish I had done my song with more clear intention ** Januuary 15 2017 9:25 AM Stop wasting your own time Why does it take me 2 hours to get out of bed? It is a choice I am making to get up and not do anything. Is that fair? Am I justified because I had an eating disorder and anxiety attacks that its okay for me to not have a job and only do art and have eczema and smoke weed? Do I need an excuse? The kitchen of my house is pretty dirty right now. I could be a good person and clean it up so my mom doesn't have to see it but I don't want to, I just wanna hang out and listen to music that's how in feel better I'm not cleaning cause I'm afraid of her reaction to not being the one to clean it herself no that's why its so hard . I feel like a teenager. Jonathan probably hates me my face is old my breath stinks my face is dry my rhythm is dry and hot and frying meat but anyway I think Jonathan probably doesn't even he probably hates me and thinks I'm weird and he just hates me why do I exist please stop I can't stop. I can't keep having anxiety attacks!!!!! Ideal morning routine: Wake up Drink water/smoke Go to bathroom Clean clutter Shower Practice songs or make breakfast **do all this w minimal phone usage** ** January 15 2017 8:06 AM Did you read my last letter? Was it making sense? I don't know why I'm being like this. I will try to speak from my heart. Its like, you live in Brooklyn, I live uptown but hang out in Brooklyn a lot. I don't usually think about people the way I think about you. I don't know why I've had a crush on you since day one. My feelings feel heavy. I never really considered that anyone I know would be polyamorous. I thought that you didn't make it clear at first, at least I didn't understand it until way later then it made sense. And that kind of made me mad. But I didn't think it was the worst thing in the world. Its not like we ever hang out. This feeling is learning me a lot. I feel manic 1:36 pm I just need you to understand how I feel I feel really desperate I thought I wanted to be with you but I'm not and I'm not happy Every time I see you I go crazy January 22 12:45 pm I'm going to see you today. Some of my friends are underage. You still don't care about me. I'm trying to provoke a response, I'm going to expose my underbelly here. I'm pretending I don't know when and I don't know why I feel this way because I think knowing feels unsafe but it hurts to live a lie, am I making sense? I know why I feel this way. I recognize myself and everything I want in you. I want to use you but I never can. I don't know what the future brings, but I hope we're still friends. If I can't use you, then I have to become the person I'm wanting. Ill pretend I'm you, and write myself a letter, under a full moon, from my heart, and all the love in the world will come through, under the full moon. If you're not a woman you won't understand the experience of a reproductive cycle, every month my body gets ready to have a baby and then releases the blood and nutrients because I have never been pregnant. Not to get distracted, but, I have a lot of ideas I get competitive with other women A lot. I feel insecure, I worry that there is a shortage of love and partners which is totally not true but my limited human consciousness just needed some assistance with that. Are you still paying attention? If I look back to when I was a kid, I can see that my intellect was always what got me attention and love and molested, so that's why I get so weird, and why I find it so easy to draw in men who value intelligence, but then it feels like I'm about to be molested so i drop them. Too much yet? More unnecessary personal details below please give me back my phone if you're not gonna still love me after this Sorry I'm way better at writing sometimes * * * * I was anorexic and bulimic because I was constantly encouraged to lose weight and it was impressed upon me that I wouldn't be valued if I wasn't thin and beautiful. I'm still fucked up I have a hard time being around food. Maybe you noticed. I want you to worry about me Constantly critiqued for my food choices. Everyone eats garbage. I hate everything. I love everything. I'm every woman its all in me Why I cant do anything without it coming up. Its not a competition but it is. If I don't....if I don't....then she will win....and something will kill me and I will die alone. My basic human brain. Still a caveman at heart. This is why I can welcome the digital age and new faces of humanity. Please for the love of god bring me something I like. I won't die alone. Because I am going to love every day. With or without you, on the radio or in a bar, for myself and everyone else but mostly myself. I love you! ** I wish my mom had let me stay in the hospital. I wish I wasn't too afraid to disobey my mom when i was 16. I wish I was still anorexic so people would be worried about me. ** January 13 2018 I THINK I HAVE A TAPEWORM by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener I keep feeling like I want to tell you something, so I tell you what I'm feeling , but more comes out. More than i planned. And I keep feeling like I want to tell you all these things but I just don't because, they aren't nice. Every time I see any girl get near you I flare up inside. But I don't say anything because, I don't think that's right. Like why would you even listen to me what would the outcome be? I think you don't value me at all, not any more than anyone else you know. I'm just like everyone else, and thinking that hurts my soul. I was obsessed with your band. The fact that you're even in my life means so much to me but I want you to be devoted to me, why? I don't know why I just do. You are so nice and sweet. Pplease don't sleep with allegra. I would scream if I saw that coming. I can't have you. I can never have you because I don't want to go after you, because I think that's a mans job,and I think you're the man and I'm the woman. And I feel sad all the time. I tense up when I see you. You don't care about me. I smell like garlic I have a parasite. You don't love me. I don't know why but when I see you I want to tackle you Either kiss you or punch you in the face You make me so mad I have asexual tendenciesI I'm I still think about other guys, but youre always fresh in my head, gender is real, but not static. Hey man. Do what you like. I just wish you actually wanted to spend time with me. I'm always going to feel this way. I'm always going to be jealous of everyone else you love I was obsessed with you in high school. Like, is this going to wear off? Do you imagine yourself being with people forever? Cause I'm doing it. But in truth I can't see it with you and me, only a feeling. Liike a burning in my heart whenever you look at me. I hate you. You don't care about me. I don't care about you. I think I do but really, when I see you I think about myself, and how good it would look to everyone if you were mine. I hate you. Leave me alone. I think you're great. You're so nice. Even your spine is fine. It could be. But she won't. She will. Fuxk this shit. I know I'm never going to get rich playing in ridgewood and bushwick at random bars only playing to the other bands and juno and Andrea. I know that. Haha. Do I have to talk about wanting to suck up everyone's feelings? I want to eat them up,, every lonely musician I've watched in empty rooms. I want to hold them in my heart. Just go and play. To no one. I have to kind of respect that. I want to understand people who play in empty rooms, I want to understand artists, I want to understand poor and rich, I want to know someone who can sell out Madison square garden, I want to be everywhere and leave my body at night. I want to hold everyone sometimes I feel like I'm in love with everyone but I'm starting to think that's normal. You don't care about me. I only care about me. I can't live like this. You're so important to me, everything you do, I'm sorry I don't speak, everything has been different since i found you. I'm sorry, there's nothing wrong, i just think I have a literal parasite. Please don't introduce me to anyone this year. I'm going to try to forget you exist because I have twisted intentions and you don't want me anyway You never loved me Please don't say it again unless you want to hold my hand in public. Was it not obvious? I hate you pay attention, stop hiding, why won't he talk to me? How can you be so smart and so retarded at the same time? Why doesn't anyone want to be with me? Be with me all the time. Maybe go away because I can't look at you or talk to you without losing my mind I'm mad at you. ** Remember when I used to spend the night at your house, and we would watch movies that would soon win awards. I can never watch movies, it was only with you..? Remember when I used to spend the night at your house? You were always baking cookies. I've never felt like that around anyone before. Like i just wanted more and more. You were the only person I ever wanted to fuck 4 or 5 times in one night. I wonder how it made you feel. It felt like I was getting somewhere, like maybe my husband could be an artist like me, maybe you could be my husband. We were always meant to be together for a time but I looked into every timeline, and we are crying, we don't stay together for a long time. I've never felt anyone in my heart like that before. I think about you sometimes. I wish I could be with you. I wish I could be with everyone. The last 2 time we fucked I ended up with a yeast infection, so I stopped. I told you I loved you but you didn't believe me, and then I didn't believe myself. Its not movie love. I love a lot of people. And I won't fuck any of them. But I do love you no matter what you say. I wish we could be together and I could hold you in my heart and make all your pain go away. Remember how it feels to be young? I kiss you when I'm dizzy, I'm feeling hazy, I see you through the haze, I love you, I'm insecure, I'm afraid, Friday, I wish we could be together like in my fantasies, just us two with only each other to hold. I don't know. Monogamy is unnatural but I can't help imagining id be very happy to see someone commit to only me. It never ends ** So this might be a shot in the dark but I had this idea that i could sell peoples art prints with your information at events. I'm putting A bunch of events in my calendar and hopefully i can be more on it this year. But I don't know I wanna have fun and travel so im I'm so obsessed Eso no es amor, eso se llama obsesion Oh god Spring equuinox event ** I feel really ignored Its Giving me a headache. Inspiration is few. Caffiene withdrawal. Has gotten me. Its It really hurts me I think you want allegra I think she's more important to you than me I wish I was important to you I wish there was someone who wanted to see me every day. Im sorry. Obviously this love was never meant to be. I'm lost in fantasy...please now you can leave I really like that I can use my menstrual cycle to guide me. I follow the same patterns every month. I always really want to eat a lot around the time I'm ovulating ** Monday january 8 2018 still obsessed with Beinng skinny ** Music in. 2018 Have people playing woodwind No impulse is too out of control No impulse is too crazy No impulse will get you killed I wish I could fly No impulse is too weird for me A full impulse is a big wave and I watch it from start to finish. And then there was millions of tiny ones I saw you last night in my dream Usually when I meet people in my dreams its at a party, but it felt like I saw you in the park in the summer You wanted to be there but wanted to be somewhere else, you looked so happy to see me I love to look into your eyes, its the easiest thing in the world. At every impulse I thought I was gonna cry and I'm still waiting for it to happen in real life. But my dream was easy and started with a top 100 song I wrote for a celebrity And my dreams dont think in regular time And it kind of cross faded, and bounced around like all these colors so I could meet you on the park bench again. The dream didn't end in my sleep but if it had I think it would have ended like this: You looked like you wanted to leave, and a rushed voice in my head told me, "Tell him something. Tell him he can do anything in his heart. Dont leave him so soon. Dont leave everyone bad confused." And I rushed to tell him, and he tells me, "its ok" ** HEMMORHAGE You only care about the way it looks and you close your eyes to see the stars but They're too far away They're too far away and your just imagining it its just your imagination They're dying in the streets but I just leave them be They're dying in the streets but I just leave them be They're dying in the streets but I just leave them be I think you're the culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit I think you're the culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Its inside of me it has a funny smell you keep saying its okay but i don't feel okay I'm gonna give them hell they're dying in the street Leave me alone I can't be with you today I wish I could hold you in my arms I wish i could hold you in my heart They're dying in the street Culprit pulpit choking on a cherry pit Culprit pulpit choking on a cherry pit ** Wow I'm obsessed. Desperation. Glittery blue stone. Purple. I love you, I know I do, oh I love this tune ** Wow I'm obsessed. Desperation. Glittery blue stone. Purple. I love you, I know I do, oh I love this tune ** The only reason I'm doing it is for the music and the attention and the eyes laid on me and I can watch from a distance I'm keeping my distance the sun shines on my thoughts December 25th 2017 7:39pm This is what's been building up inside of me, the only natural consequence of inflicting possibility and inflicting freedom on yourself, there is only one possibility, we feel so Warm on the inside. I want to be part of a different world. I don't wanna **

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